name,line
Stan,"You guys, you guys! Chef is going away."
Kyle,Going away? For how long?
Stan,Forever.
Chef,I'm sorry boys.
Stan,"Chef said he's been bored, so he joining a group called the Super Adventure Club."
Chef,Wow!
Mrs. Garrison,Chef?? What kind of questions do you think adventuring around the world is gonna answer?!
Chef,What's the meaning of life? Why are we here?
Mrs. Garrison,I hope you're making the right choice.
Cartman,I'm gonna miss him.  I'm gonna miss Chef and I...and I don't know how to tell him!
Stan,"Dude, how are we gonna go on? Chef was our fuh...f-ffriend."
Mayor McDaniels,"And we will all miss you, Chef,  but we know you must do what your heart tells you.."
Jimbo,Bye-bye!
Gerald,Good-bye!
Mr. Mackey,So long!
A Man,"So long, Chef!"
A Sign-Holder,"Good-bye, Chef!"
Randy,"Good-bye, Chef! Have a great time with the Super Adventure Club!"
Chef,Good-bye! ..
Kyle,"Draw two card, fatass."
Cartman,"Reverse to you, Jew."
Stan,I'll get it.
Chef,"Hello there, children!"
Stan,He's back!
Kyle,Yeah!
Cartman,All right!
Kyle,Chef! I can't believe you're back!
Chef,"Well, it's true."
Stan,But are you back for good?
Chef,That's right.
Mrs. Garrison,Hey everybody! Chef's back!
Patrons,What? All right! Yeah!
Randy,"Oh, finally!"
Gerald,"Wow! It seems like you had a great time with the Super Adventure Club, Chef. They sound like really interesting people."
Chef,Yeah!
Mrs. Garrison,"But now that you're back here, does that mean that you're not in the Super Adventure Club anymore?"
Chef,Nnono!
Randy,"Ohhh, so have you decided you can still belong to the Super Adventure Club but live here in South Park again?"
Chef,That's right.
Randy,"Well, it seems like the Super Adventure Club was just what you needed, Chef. You must be feeling very happy that you found a club to belong to with new friends, but that you can also live here in South Park with all your old friends whom you care for deeply.  Right?"
Chef,That's right. Randy!
Jimbo,"Well Chef, you're welcome to stay with me until you buy another house."
Chef,Thank you. Jimbo.
Randy,"Well, come on everybody. I'm sure Chef would like a little time to get moved back in."
Chef,That's right! Thank you. Good-bye- Everybody.
Townsfolk,Later. Great to have you back. Bye-bye. See ya Chef. See you later. Bye-bye
Kyle,"Well, I- guess we'll see you in school tomorrow, Chef."
Chef,You bet! Good-bye. Children!
Stan,"Right. Uh, see ya."
Cartman,"Uh, guys? Did Chef seem a little, uh, trippy to you?"
Stan,"Well, look. he said he's happier now. Maybe he just needs to rest up a little."
Kyle,Yeah. I'm sure whatever that Super Adventure Club does is pretty tiring.
Stan,"Yeah, but whatever, I'm just glad he's back for good."
Kenny,"(Yeah, me too.)"
A Boy,"It's really weird what he said. I don't know, it kind of confused me."
Cartman,"Oh boy oh boy, I can't wait to have Chef's lunch food again."
Kyle,Yeah. I hope he makes his Salisbury steak with buttered noodles!
Clyde,"You guys, you guys."
Stan,What?
Clyde,Something's wrong with Chef. He's saying some really weird stuff.
Kyle,Like what?
Clyde,I think...  I think he wants to have sex with me.
Stan,What??
Clyde,I gotta- I gotta go.
Kyle,Weirdo.
Chef,"Hello there, children!"
The Boys,Hey Chef.
Chef,How's it goin'?
Kyle,Good.
Chef,"Well, how about I meet you boys after work and we make love?"
Cartman,Excuse me?
Chef,"Come on, children! You're my sexual fantasy. Let's all make sweet love."
Kyle,...Chef?? A-are you okay?
Chef,"I want to stick my balls inside your rectum, Kyle."
Stan,"Dude, what are you saying??"
Chef,"I'm gonna make love to your asshole, children."
Stan,...WHAT??
Det. Jarvis,"Hi kids, I'm Detective Jarvis. I need to ask you all some difficult questions about your school cafeteria chef."
Kyle,This doesn't make any sense!
Det. Jarvis,We have some information that all this time Chef has been and still is a pedophile.
Stan,"No, he's not."
Det. Jarvis,Uh huh.
Stan,"No, he's not."
Det. Jarvis,"Yeah, yeah he is so."
Butters,What's a pedophile?
Det. Jarvis,"Now, we need some testimony in order to arrest Chef,  so I'm gonna use this doll to ask you kids a few questions. Did Chef ever touch any of you... here?"
Stan,NO!
Det. Jarvis,"Okay, did he touch you here?"
The Class,NO!
Det. Jarvis,Did he ever do this? How about this?
Butters,My Uncle Bud did that to me once!
Det. Jarvis,Did Chef ever try one of these on for size?
Kyle,"Goddammit, Chef isn't like that! Something funny is going on around here!"
Det. Jarvis,"Young man, will you PLEASE pay attention! This is very important stuff! Ohhh. Ohhhhhh."
Chef,"Hello there, children!"
Kyle,"Chef, the police are asking questions about you!"
Chef,"Oh really? Well, let's all go home and make love."
Stan,"No, Chef, we don't wanna make love to you!"
Chef,"Kenny, how would you like to sodomize my black ass"
Kyle,"Chef, CHEF! You need to get out of here before you get arrested, all right?!"
Chef,"I specializes in your asshole, Kyle."
Cartman,"...Man, I can't believe all this time, Chef just wanted us for sex."
Kyle,"He didn't want us for sex, fatass! Something is making him say those things."
Kenny,(Like what?)
Kyle,"Something must have happened to Chef while he was gone. Maybe he hit his head or, or got stuck in some quantum time vortex."
Stan,Well look: he spent the last three months with that adventurers' club. Maybe they know what happened to him.
Kenny,(Yeah! I think...)
Cartman,Yeah!
Kyle,"All right, come on guys!"
Cartman,"Hey you guys, you know what they call a Jewish woman's boobs? Jewbs."
Butler,May I help you.
Kyle,"Ahh, hi, can we speak to the head guy or something?"
Butler,Right this way.
Head Adventurer,"Now, the upper rim of Kilimanjaro should be quite a trek, and so we'll need to have a-"
Butler,"Excuse me, sir. These boys wanted to speak with you."
Head Adventurer,"Ahh yes, splendid! Good afternoon, lads! I'm Head Adventurer William P. Connolly, Esquire! Welcome, to the Super Adventure Club!"
Club Members,Tally ho!
Mr. Connolly,Indeed!
Kyle,"Uh, hi. Our friend joined your club a while back, and now he wants to molest kids."
Mr. Connolly,"What? Well... well yes, of course! That's what the Super Adventure Club does!"
Cartman,...Huh?
Marksman,We travel the world and have sex with children!
Marine,"Yes, what else would we do?"
Kyle,"Well, we thought you went exploring and like, hunting and stuff!"
Mr. Connolly,"Noo, no, that's the Adventure Club. We're the Super Adventure Club!  Next week, we'll be heading to the outer banks of the Amazon, where we will make camp and have sex with children of the Ugani tribe, then it's off to the mighty Himalayas, where we will climb K-2, and molest several Tibetan children on the east summit."
Kyle,...Dude!
Mr. Connolly,"I know, but it gets even better! From there we will kayak to the fruitful banks of the Mele River in Africa, where the secret and mysterious Hanimi people have children who have never seen a white man's erect penis. Of course, we're always looking for kids to have sex with on the plane rides over to these places, so how would you ALL like to join the Super Adventure Club!"
Stan,NO!!
Mr. Connolly,No? Oh really? Perhaps I should ask you again?  How would you like to join the Super Adventure Club?
Stan,No!
Kyle,"Dude, what are you doing?!"
Mr. Connolly,"Oh well, it doesn't work on everybody.  Well, so long then."
Kyle,Just what the hell is that thing?!
Mr. Connolly,What? What thing? I don't see anything.
Kyle,HA! I knew it!
Stan,Knew what?
Kyle,The reason Chef has been saying those terrible things about us is because he's been brainwashed! By this- fruity little club!
Cartman,"Oh, son of a bitch!"
Chef,"Come on, children. Let's all go home and make love."
Stan,"You need to see a psychiatrist, Chef. It's for your own good."
Chef,I just like to make love up your butt.
Woman,Oh my God!
Nurse,"Mr. Chef, is it?"
Kyle,"All right, come on."
Dr. Neeland,"Hello, I'm Dr. Neeland. What can I do for you today?"
Kyle,"Hi, uh- our friend has been brainwashed by some fruity little club."
Dr. Neeland,Brainwashed.
Stan,"Yeah, he joined the Super Adventure Club, and they convinced him having sex with children was okay with a little thing that goes whrrrrrr."
Dr. Neeland,I thought that club was for hiking and kayaking.
Stan,"No, that's the Adventure Club. The Super Adventure Club has sex with children."
Dr. Neeland,"Oh. ...Oh, that's right, yeah."
Chef,"Doctor, do you have- children?"
Dr. Neeland,"Why, yes, I have two young boys."
Chef,Have you all been sodomizing your children too?
Dr. Neeland,You say he's never been like this before?
Cartman,"No, Chef has always been super-cool."
Chef,I'm gonna make love to the children.
Dr. Neeland,He's pretty brainwashed all right. Worst case I've ever seen.
Cartman,So what can we do??
Dr. Neeland,"I'm afraid there's no simple answer. When somebody's brainwashed it can take months, even years, to reverse the process."
Kyle,"But we don't have years! If Chef keeps this up, he's gonna go to jail forever!"
Dr. Neeland,"Tell me, what was Chef's favorite thing to do before it was having sex with children?"
Stan,Having sex with women.
Dr. Neeland,Then that's it. We'd better get your friend to the Peppermint Hippo right away.
DJ,"All right guys, be sure to tip the waitresses; this is two for one; put your hands together, this is Monique!"
Chef,"Aw, come on, children. Let's go home."
Stan,This isn't working.
Dr. Neeland,"Well let's... give it some more time, kids."
Stripper,Would you like to daaance???
Kyle,No thanks. We're trying to unbrainwash our friend.
Stripper,Daaance??? Anybody wanna daaance???
Cartman,"Come on, bitch! Dance!"
Blonde,"Up yours, fatty."
Cartman,"Bitch, I'll twist your nuts off!"
DJ,"All right guys, help me feel it out to them; we got a featured dancer coming out next; put your hands together for... Spontaneous Bootay!"
Stan,"Come on guys, we might as well go."
Chef,God-damn!
Stan,"Chef, we're leaving."
Dr. Neeland,"Nono, wait. Let him go."
Spontaneous Bootay,"Come here, chubby."
Chef,Wait a minute.
Stan,He's remembering.
Chef,Children! What have I done?
Cartman,"It's okay Chef. Go on, remember!"
Chef,I'm goinna- I'm gonna-
Kyle,"Come on, Chef! You can do it!"
Chef,"I'm gonna make love to you woman, 'gonna lay you down by the fire!"
The Boys,Yay!
Kenny,(Chef!)
Chef,"Hey children, everybody! I'm back!  Ow."
Mr. Connolly,"Great shot, William! Hit him with another."
Chef,Oh!
The Boys,Chef!
Mr. Connolly,"Tally ho, lads! I must say you're starting to become quite a thorn in my balls."
Stan,Where's Chef?! What have you done with him?!
Mr. Connolly,He's safe.  He's fasting in the Deprivation Room and being read the Super Adventure Club manual. We've got to undo the damage you've done.
Cartman,"Look: If you wanna go around the world molesting kids, that's totally fine. But why do you need Chef?!"
Mr. Connolly,"We don't need him, he needs us! Our club offers hope. Do you think we go around the world molesting children just because it feels really really really really good?! No! Our club has a message! And a secret that explains the mysteries of life!"
Stan,"Oh Jesus, here we go."
Mr. Connolly,Very well. I'm now going to tell you the secret of the Super Adventure Club.
Stan,We don't wanna hear it.
Mr. Connolly,"You see, the Super Adventure Club was founded by the greatest explorer of all time, William P. Phinehas!  Phinehas climbed the highest peaks, tamed the mightiest rivers,  but every time he got somewhere, he realized that other explorers had beat him to it.  Phinehas was depressed, until he realized that if he couldn't be the first to discover places, he could be the first to have sex with the native children that inhabited those areas!  Phinehas quickly went down in history books as the first man to have sex with the Aborigine children at Uluru, and the first explorer to bugger all the underage mountainfolk of Nepal.  But now the most wonderful part. You see, after having sex with all those children, Phinehas realized that... molesting all those kids... had made him immortal."
Stan,Immortal.
Mr. Connolly,"He discovered that children have things called marlocks in their bodies.  And when an adult has sex with a child, the marlocks implode, feeding the adult receptive cavity with energy that causes immortality, so saith the ruler of Bethos.  Phinehas traveled the world, loving many, many children, and he lived for eternity. Until he was hit by a train in 1892."
Kyle,...Do you realize how retarded that sounds?
Mr. Connolly,Is it any more retarded than the idea of God sending his son to die for our sins? Is it any more retarded than Buddha sitting beneath a tree for twenty years?
Stan,"Yeah, it's way, way more retarded."
Mr. Connolly,"Well, now that you know our club secrets, it appears you ... leave us no choice. I'm afraid we're going to have to... ask you to leave."
Stan,We're not leaving without Chef.
Mr. Connolly,"If you choose not to leave, then I'm afraid we're just going to have to ... call security and make you leave.  You'll be let out by security and it will be super-embarrassing and everyone here will see!  Okay, you know how like, when you want people to leave but they won't leave, it's really frustrating?"
Kyle,We're not going anywhere without Chef.
Mr. Connolly,"Cool people leave before they've overstayed their welcome.  You petulant fools! You just had to push it, didn't you? You don't realize who you're dealing with here. Security!  Take these boys to the door."
Guard 1,"All right, come on kids."
Kyle,No! Hey!
Mr. Connolly,Haha! Look they're being led out by security! Haha!
Stan,"No, you don't understand! They've got our friend in the Deprivation Room!"
Guard 2,This is their house and they don't want you here.
Kyle,"Sorry, dude, but this fruity little club isn't taking our friend!"
William,And sex with Eskimo children requires some special skills.
Kyle,"Chef, come on!"
Chef,Children!
William,Get out of here!
Cartman,Kenny! Spin Blossom Nut Squash!
Kenny,(Yeeeeehah!)
Stan,"Come on, Chef!"
Chef,I can't... break these locks.
Kyle,Here!
Cartman,Run Chef!
Mr. Connolly,What the-? Impossible! I made them leave!
Kyle,Get outside!
Mr. Connolly,Stop them!
Chef,Children! Run!
Mr. Connolly,Stop!
Stan,We made it!
Mr. Connolly,Don't you remember why you left South Park in the first place??
Stan,"Chef, come on!"
Mr. Connolly,You sought adventure! And why do people seek adventure? Because their lives have become dull and empty!
Kyle,"Yeah, he wanted adventure! Not a bunch of ridiculous bullcrap! Right Chef?  Chef?"
Mr. Connolly,"Don't forget all your training, Chef! Stay with us and your life will be GRAND and ETERNAL!"
Stan,"Chef, we love you."
Chef,I'm sorry children.
Kyle,"No! Chef, they've filled your head with lies! Can't you see that??"
Chef,"Get the hell out of here, children!!"
Mr. Connolly,Yesss. Looks like our fruity little club is safe after all.  NO!
The Boys,Chef!
Chef,Ack.  Ow! Oh! Ah! Oh! Dammit!  Ah- Awww!
Stan,NO!
Cartman,A mountain lion!
Mr. Connolly,We can't lose another member! Shoot it!
Chef,Ah!
Marksman,"All right, this!"
Kyle,CHEF!
Cartman,A grizzly bear!
Stan,Oh my God... They killed Chef.
Kyle,You bastards. YOU BASTARDS!
Mr. Connolly,Pity. He would have made an excellent child molester.
Cartman,"Maybe- maybe he's still okay.  No, really. They say the last thing you do before you die is crap your-"
Chef,POOOT!
Cartman,Oh never mind.
Stan,"Come on, let's go."
Kyle,"We're all here today because Chef has been such an important part of our lives. A lot of us don't agree with the choices Chef has made in the past few days.  Some of us... feel hurt... and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us.  But we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories of how much Chef made us smile.  I'm gonna remember Chef as the jolly old guy who always broke into song.  I'm gonna remember Chef... as the guy who gave us advice to live by.  So you see, we shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us. We should be mad at that little fruity club for scrambling his brains."
Randy,Yeah.
Mr. Mackey,He's right.
Kyle,"And in the end, I know that somewhere out there... there's the good part of Chef... that's still alive in us all."
Mr. Connolly,Is it working? Is it working?
Tech,Yes. We've got a pulse!
Mr. Connolly,"Get him in the ICU suit! Hurry!  We have done it! Good! Raise him up!  Chef, can you hear me? Say something."
Darth Chef,"Hello there, children. How would you like some Salisbury steak?"
Mr. Connolly,"Yes, go on."
Darth Chef,"And for desert, how would you children like to suck on my chocolate salty balls?"
Mr. Connolly,Oh? You mean like a chocolate candy?
Darth Chef,"No, I mean my balls."
Mr. Connolly,"Yes, YES! Hahahahahahaaa!"
Gerald,"Hey there, Richard!"
Richard,"Oh, hey Gerald. New car?"
Gerald,Yeah. It's a hybrid. I just... I just couldn't sit back and-  be a part of destroying the earth anymore.
Richard,Well... Good for you.
Gerald,Oho...  Thanks.
Stephen,"Well, there goes the new high-and-mighty Gerald Broflovski."
Mrs. Garrison,"Yeah, ever since he got that new hybrid he thinks he's better than everyone else."
Gerald,"You know, the emissions from a vehicle like yours causes irreparable damage to the ozone. I drive a hybrid; it's much better for the environment.  Thanks."
Kyle,"Dad, can we go home? All you ever do since you got this car is drive around and show it off!"
Driver,"Hey, is that a hybrid?"
Gerald,"Oh yes. You've got one too, I see."
Driver,"Yeah, I like to be a part of the solution and not part of the problem. Well, anyway,  good for you!"
Gerald,Thanks.
Kyle,"Dad, I think Ike is starving to death."
Gerald,"Hold on, boys. We still have to go to the hardware store, and hand out awareness citations to SUV cars in the parking lot."
Kyle,What?!
Gerald,"Okay, there's another one.  Aw, man! Look at that!  Can you believe this?! An SUV with a V8 engine, makes me sick!  ""Ticket for driving a gas-guzzler"""
Kyle,"Dad, can we go home, please?"
Gerald,"Look, there's a Jeep over there! Go write them a ticket, Kyle!"
Kyle,"But Dad, I want-"
Gerald,"NOW, KYLE!"
Stan,Oh hey Kyle.
Kyle,"Aw, hey dude. What are you doing here?"
Stan,Helping my Dad pick out some cool new power tools. What are you doing?
Kyle,Helping my Dad give people fake tickets.
Randy,What's this?
Gerald,Oh! Sorry Randy. Looks like you got a ticket.
Randy,"A ticket? ""Failure to care about the environment"" Oh Goddammit, did you do this, Gerald?!"
Gerald,"Yeah. I'm just, you know, trying to make people more aware ya' know, it's a-"
Randy,"You got some nerve, you know that?! Where do you come off ticketing people?!"
Gerald,"Well, Randy, calm down. It's not a real ticket."
Randy,I know it's not a real ticket!!
Jimbo,"Broflovski, did you put this crap on my windshield?!"
Gerald,"Jimbo, your truck probably gets less than ten miles to the gallon."
Jimbo,"Well thanks, Officer Dickhole!"
Kyle,"Dad, let's just go!"
Gerald,"Look, I'm just trying to make the people of South Park aware of a very serious problem."
Randy,"The problem, Gerald, is that ever since you got a hybrid car, you've gotten so smug that you love the smell of your own farts!"
Gerald,"Oh! I'm sorry! I didn't think it was ""high and mighty"" to  care about the earth!"
Randy,And that too! Stop talking with your eyes closed! That's what smug people do!
Gerald,"Well, I really don't see how  that has anything to do with the-"
Randy,"There, like that! Stop that!"
Darryl,Who the hell put this faggy fake ticket on my truck!
Gerald,"All right, that does it! Come on, Kyle, I don't want you hanging around with these ignorant idiots!"
Gerald,"Yeah. Yeah, I think it's best we just do it right away."
Kyle,"Dad.  Dad, Ike and I have been talking, and well, we feel that your new car is changing you."
Gerald,"Yes, it certainly is."
Kyle,We're thinking that a lot of people in town starting too...
Ike,Take offense.
Kyle,...a-are starting to take offense at your actions. We feel like you're starting to become-hmm...
Ike,Alienated.
Kyle,...star-starting to become alienated from some of your friends.
Gerald,"Well, I totally agree, Kyle."
Kyle,You do??
Gerald,Yes. A lot of people in town just aren't ready to drive hybrid cars.
Kyle,"Righ!  Okay, good."
Gerald,"And that's why,  I've talked it over with your mother, and  ...we've decided to MOVE!"
Kyle,What??
Gerald,"We need to be where everyone is motivated and progressive like us! Start getting your things packed, boys! The Broflovksi family is moving to San Francisco!"
Stan,Yeah?
Butters,"Uh hay, Stan. Uh you should come on over. Uh they're havin' a goin'-away party for Kyle."
Stan,Going away party? What do you mean?
Butters,Well don't you know? Kyle's movin' away.
Stan,Moving away?? Kyle can't move away!
Butters,Well he is.
Stan,Where's the going-away party?
Butters,At Cartman's house.
Cartman,Hey everybody! There's more pop in the refrigerator. Let's make this the best going-away party EVER!
Token,"Hey Eric, where's Kyle?"
Cartman,Who?
Clyde,"Kyle, the person leaving."
Cartman,Kyle? Why would I invite Kyle?
Craig,"Dude, a going-away party is supposed to be for the person who is going away!"
Stan,Kyle? Kyle!
Clyde,Kyle's not here. Cartman didn't invite him.
Stan,What?!
Cartman,"You guys, this is our party. That no-good back-stabbing Jew rat is finally leaving! Come on, everyone! Let's sing! 'Nanana na! Nanana na! Hey hey hey! Goodbye Kyle!"
Stan,Kyle! Du-what is going on?!
Kyle,My Dad says he can't live here anymore.
Stan,"Mr. Broflovski, please. Kyle's my best friend."
Gerald,"I'm sorry, Stan, but unfortunately you live in a small-minded town filled with ignorant boobs."
Stan,Well... Maybe they'll change.
Gerald,"I wouldn't count on it. Come on, boys, get in the car!"
Stan,Nooo!
Gerald,"Maybe you can make a difference, Stan.  Maybe you can get everyone to drive hybrid cars. Until that day,  we're just gonna have to be  with our own kind."
Stan,I will. I will get everyone to drive hybrid cars! I swear it!
Gerald,"Well? What do you think, huh?"
Sheila,"Oh Gerald, it's beautiful."
Gerald,"Yeah. Now THIS, is a house."
Man,"Oh hello there, you must be the new neighbors."
Gerald,Yes that's right. We're the Broflovskis.
Man,"Welcome to San Francisco. I'm Peter Thompson. This is my wife, Nancy Jarvis, and our son, Brian Thompson-Jarvis  So how do you like the neighborhood?"
Sheila,Oh it's gorgeous. These old houses are so neat.
Peter,"Yes, well, unlike most cities, in San Francisco we try to  keep all the historic houses instead of knocking them down."
Man 2,"You in here, Peter?"
Peter,"Oh hay, Paul. Come on in and meet the Broflovskis"
Paul,"Hello there. I'm Paul McDonahue. This is my wife, Paulie Beaumont-McCallahan, and our daughter, Mindy McDonahue-Beaumont-McCallahan"
Gerald and Sheila,Hello.
Paul,"We noticed your hybrid out front - that's a V series, right?"
Gerald,Yeah. That's right.
Peter,"Whoa, nice car, but we're gonna have to get you into the BT series  Its emissions are actually cleaner."
Gerald,"Wow, so, everyone here drives a hybrid, huh?"
Peter,"Oh, of course. We're a little more progressive and ahead of the curve here in San Francisco.  Ahhhm.  Anyway, I'm sure you'll find it much better here."
Paul,"Yes, you'll find that San Francisco is pretty much more open-minded and grown-up than the Midwest.  Ahhh,  ahh,  ahh.  We're just a little bit more protective of our environment here in San Francisco"
Gerald,Yeah. We sure are.
Stan,"Come on, people. Come on, people now."
Cartman,"Dude, what are you doing?"
Stan,"I'm writing a song about the importance of hybrid cars, so maybe people will change their ways."
Cartman,"THAT's gay, heh."
Stan,"Well if I have any chance of getting Kyle back, I have to get people to stop driving SUVs!"
Cartman,Why do you want Kyle back?? Don't you see how awesome it is without him?
Stan,"You know, Cartman, you may be stoked now, but I bet you're gonna find that withuot Kyle around to rip on, your life is empty, and hollow."
Cartman,"Psh! Whatever dude. I don't need Kyle to rip on, I've got Butters. Come on, Butters, you stupid Jew!"
Butters,Yeah! I'm a dumb Jew.
Stan,"Come on, people. Come on, people now."
DJ,"All right, all you dreamers and creamers out there out there in South Park, I'm gonna play a song by a local artist that really made me think about my impact on the earth. This is Stan Marsh with ""Hey, People, You've Gotta Drive Hybrids Already""."
Stan,"Come on now, people now people now'People now, come on now, people nowGot to drive hybrids, people nowPeople now, people now, people nowHybrids are for people now, people nowGroup of people driving people nowGet a hybrid, be good people now."
Customer,He's right.
Stan,"We have all got to be people nowPeople-driving-hybrid people nowPeople now, people now, hybrid nowHybrid-people-driving people now.Come on, people, let's be people nowHybrid-people-driving people nowCome on, everybody be people now"
Jimbo,"Yeah, I just wanted to  try to set an example, you know?"
Jimbo,Thanks.
Mrs. Garrison,Can you believe some people still don't drive hybrids?
Randy,"I know! It's like ""Earth to America? Hello? This is simple stuff here. Gawl"""
Mr. Mackey,"Well from now on, I'm only going to associate with other hybrid-car drivers. Everyone else is just ignorant, m'kay?"
Driver 1,Good for you!
Driver 2,Thanks!
Randy,At least we're smart enough to know better!
Driver 3,Thanks!
Stan,"Come on, everybody be people now"
Speaker,And so we are here to honor Stan Marsh for making South Park the city with the highest percentage of hybrid owners in the country!
Richard,If only the rest of the country  was as insightful as we are.
Stan,"Ah, thanks. I was really just trying to make it so my friend can move back here so... if you don't mind, I'm gonna try to get a hold of him now."
Jimbo,Great speech!
Gerald,"Yeah, well, you know my son is just  a little bit more clever than some."
An officer,"Hello there, I'm Ranger McFriendly. I'm the person who watches over the delicate ecosystem of South Park. You must be the little boy who wrote that song."
Stan,Yeah.
Ranger McFriendly,Uhh!
Stan,Ow!
Ranger McFriendly,You son of a bitch! Do you have any idea what you've done?!
Stan,What?!
Ranger McFriendly,Come with me!
Ranger McFriendly,There! Look!
Stan,Smog? There's never been smog over South Park before.
Ranger McFriendly,"Don't you get it?! When people drive hybrid cars, they get so full of themselves they spew tons of self-satisfied garbage into the air! That isn't smog, it's smug!"
Stan,Smug?
Ranger McFriendly,"Hybrid cars make better for emission levels, but people who drive hybrid cars are the leading cause of smug. You can have smug in the atmosphere, and you know what that leads to? Glodal laming! Thanks to your gay little song, South Park is now the second smuggiest city in America!"
Announcer,This is a South Park News Weather Bulletin!
Anchor Tom,It looks like we have a smug alert here in South Park. Our own Keenan Williams has the details. Keenan?
Keenan,"Thanks, Tom, a smug alert is in effect at least tomorrow morning.  All those hybrid cars on the road have caused heavy smug to develop over most of Park and Jefferson Counties. On the national map, we can see smug over Denver and developing smug in Los Angeles. However, San Francisco is once again the smuggiest city in the country."
Singer,A smuggy day in San Francisco town.
Paul,"Sheila, did you meet Gail and Brian?"
Sheila,"No! Hello, how are you?"
Gail,"Really good, really good."
Gerald,"Hey there. Alan, right?"
Alan,"Actually, it's Alain"
Gerald,"Right right, w-would, would you like red or white wine?"
Alan,Can I just get an empty glass?
Gerald,Oh. Sure.
Alan,Can you believe all these imbeciles in Texas? They just put another prisoner to death.
Kyle,So... what do you do for fun?
Brian,We drink and take drugs.
Boy 1,Do you want some acid?
Kyle,"Oh, no thanks. We don't do that stuff."
Boy 2,You will. There's a reason most San Francisco kids take a lot of drugs.
Brian,It's the only thing that allows us to deal with our parents all walking around loving the smell of their own farts all the time.
Gerald,"Everything okay in here, Kyle?"
Kyle,"Yeah, fine, Dad."
Gerald,"So much better here with the intellectuals, isn't it, boys?  Wuhh  Mmmm."
Kyle,Well... maybe I'll take just half a hit of acid.
Ike,I want three.
Stan,"No, no, I'm asking if there's a listing for Broflovski in San Francisco! They just moved there!"
Cartman,"Haha! Take that, Jew boy! I guess you Heebs can't even play video football!"
Butters,Yeah. You're right.
Cartman,"You know Butters, you make for a lousy Jew."
Butters,"Well I'm sorry. Well it's just that I'm not Jewish, and now th-"
Cartman,"No, no! Don't apologize, you asshole!"
Ranger McFriendly,Marsh!
Stan,"Oh crap, Ranger McFriendly."
Cartman,Who?
Ranger McFriendly,You'd better come with me to the news station! Our situation just got a lot worse!
Keenan,I noticed it on the computer this morning. Look here.  This is the smug over South Park. It's... getting bigger and gaining strength.
Cartman,The smug?
Keenan,"The smug is getting so massive that it's moving west... and fusing with the San Francisco smug... Here.  These two smug clouds are combining, fueling each other.  Now take a look at this."
Stan,What is that?
Keenan,It's the smug from George Clooney's acceptance speech at the Academy Awards.
Stan,George Clooney's acceptance speech?
Keenan,"Did you hear it? He talked about how people in Hollywood are ahead of the curve on social mattes. He even took credit for the Civil Rights movement -Look!! The point is... the smug from his acceptance speech has been slowly drifting north since he gave it... and is headed straight for the super cell. The South Park and San Francisco smug is already at critical mass. If it gets hit by George Clooney's acceptance speech, it will be a disaster of epic proportions. The perfect storm... of self-satisfaction."
Ranger McFriendly,We've got to tell the townspeople! South Park still has a chance to make it through the storm!
Stan,What about San Francisco?
Keenan,"Kid, thanks to your gay little song, there's not gonna be a San Francisco."
Ranger McFriendly,"Soo, that's it people.  When the smug from George Clooney's speech hits the San Francisco and South Park smug, we're gonna witness a storm the likes of which we've never seen."
Randy,Are you trying to tell us the smug from our hybrids is actually gonna kill us all?
Ranger McFriendly,"If the smug clouds remain the way they are, yes."
Jimbo,This is all Stan's fault! He wrote that gay little song and got us to drive those damned hybrids!
Randy,"Yeah. Good going, stupid!"
Ranger McFriendly,"Listen! Though we all agree this is Stan's fault, there is still something we can do. If we all work together to reduce smugness, we might be able to lessen the effects of the storm, at least here in our own town."
Stephen,Then that's it. There's only one way to reduce smugness. We've gotta destroy every hybrid car in town!
Jimbo,Everyone get your hybrid and meet at Dawson's!
Randy,"Hey, where do you think YOU're going?!"
Stan,I'm gonna try and warn Kyle to get out of San Francisco.
Randy,Oh no you're not! Your gay little song got us to drive hybrids; you're gonna help us get rid of 'em!
Ranger McFriendly,How long do we have until the smug clouds collide?
Keenan,Not long. The smug from George Clooney's Academy Awards Acceptance Speech has already crossed into Arizona.
Attendant,The hell is that?
Butters,"Wow, Eric. You sure are a great guy for doing this."
Cartman,I don't have a choice. Somebody has to get into San Francisco and warn Kyle's family to get out before the storm hits.
Butters,But... how come we can't just take the bus on into the city?
Cartman,"You don't know San Francisco, Butters.  It was the breeding ground for the hippie movement in the 60s. Those hard-core liberals, lesbian activists, and die hard modern hippies young and old.  I swore I would never set foot in San Francisco. God help me.  All right, Butters, I'll be tethered to you through this cord. It's my only lifeline, so make sure it stays taut. If you stop hearing my voice, for the love of Christ, start reeling me in with all your strength."
Butters,"I will. You're really great for going to warn Kyle, Eric."
Cartman,"I'm not doin' it for Kyle.  I can't believe I'm actually going to walk through San Francisco. Well, here it goes."
Ranger McFriendly,"All right. All right, now get it into the masher! Hurry up!"
Stan,Can't somebody else operate this? I can't really reach.
Ranger McFriendly,"Well then you shouldn't have written that gay little song, shouldn't you have?!  Keenan, we've gotten rid of half the hybrid cars! How are the smug levels?!"
Keenan,"They're dropping, slowly, but... but we're running out of time!"
Man,"Yeah, it's like, San Francisco is more of a European city, like Paris or Milan."
Cartman,"Butters, are you there?!"
Butters,"I'm here, Eric."
Cartman,I've started to enter the smug. I'm about a quarter mile in. Can you give me an EL?
Butters,You must be nearing Union Square. Did you see a fountain to your left?
Cartman,Yes. It's just beyond yet another wine and cheese store.
Butters,"Wait, uhh, eh take your next right. You've got to start heading west."
Cartman,Turning right at O two four niner.
Randy,That's it. That's that the last one.
Ranger McFriendly,"Keenan? Keenan, we've smashed the last hybrid!"
Keenan,"Harry, the smug from Clooney's speech is about to hit the other smug system! Get everyone inside!  God help us."
Cartman,"Butters?! Butters, I think I'm here! 2419 Castillo?!"
Butters,"That's it! Eric, hurry! Somethin's goin' on out here!"
Cartman,"Mr. Broflovski! Mr. Broflovski, there a smug storm! We have to go!"
Gerald,Being smug is a good thing.
Cartman,Oh my CHRIST!  Kyle? Kyle!
Kyle,"The acid. Dude, I'm totally tripping balls."
Ike,I'm totally tripping balls. I'm totally tripping balls.
Cartman,We have to get out of here! Now!  Kyle! Kyle!!
Network Anchor,"And now, the worst appears to be over. Last night's smug storm... has left thousands homeless. All across the Midwest, people are picking up the pieces. Cities like Denver and South Park are heavily damaged, but still all right. However, San Francisco, I'm afraid... has disappeared completely up its own asshole."
Stan,No...
Randy,"I'm sorry, Stan. I'm sorry your gay little song killed your friend."
Clyde,"Hey! Hey, Stan! You're not gonna believe it! You've gotta come see!"
Stan,What?
Clyde,It's a miracle!
Stan,Kyle!
Kyle,Hey Stan.
Stan,"Dude, what happened??"
Gerald,We don't know. We were all passed out and... next thing we know we just woke up on a bus heading here.
Mr. Mackey,"It's like you had a guardian angel, m'kay?"
Stan,"Dude, I'm so glad you're not dead."
Richard,So I guess there's nothing left to do now but... rebuild.
Randy,"Yeah. First off, we're all gonna need new cars."
Gerald,"And let's make sure nobody gets a stupid hybrid, right?"
Kyle,NO! Hybrid cars are a good thing!
Mr. Mackey,"But hybrid cars are the leading cause of smug, m'kay?"
Kyle,"Hybrid cars don't cause smugness, people do.  Look, hybrid cars are important. They may even save our planet one day. What you all need to do is just learn to drive hybrids and not be smug about it."
Randy,You mean... drive in hybrids... but not act like we're better than everyone else because of it.
Kyle,Yeah!
Randy,I'm...  I'm not ready...
Gerald,I don't think I can do it either.
Mr. Mackey,It's simply asking too much.
Randy,"Perhaps... one day... we can learn to drive hybrids without being smug about it, but for now... the technology is just too much for us."
Gerald,"Come on, everybody! Let's go buy wasteful gas guzzlers!"
Cartman,"Well, looks like you're back for good, huh Kyle?"
Kyle,"Yeah, I guess so."
Cartman,"We just can't get rid of you, can we, you sneaky Jew rat!"
Kyle,"Don't belittle my people, you fucking fatass!"
Cartman,"Ah, that's better."
Sharon,But the Bubble Gum Prince wasn't afraid. He knew that the Land of Chocolate was safe forever and ever.  Goodnight my little angel.
Randy,STAAAN!!
Stan,What?? What??
Randy,"Get up! Get your shoes on! Gotta get out of here! MOOVE!  Take this!!  We've gotta bring all the water we can!!  Shelly, go get my gun!!"
Shelly,Whats going on dad?
Randy,JUST GET THE GUN!!
Randy,"Unh, come on!"
Man,AWWWGH!
Woman,Oh nooo!
Stan,Kyle! What the hell is going on this time?!
Kyle,I have no idea!
Man,Take cover in the community center again!
Jimbo,"All right, everyone get in and get a seal on that door!"
Linda,"Oh my God, Stephen, we've left Butters."
Stephen,"We can't go back out, Linda! It's too late for him!"
Stan,"Dad?  Dad, what the hell is going on?!"
Randy,A cartoon...! A cartoon is about to air on American television with... with the Muslim prophet Mohammad as a character!
Stan,Sso?
Randy,"SO?! Stanley, Mohammad is sacred to the Muslim people.  Ever since those cartoon in Denmark, the rules have changed. Nobody shows an image of Mohammad anymore."
Gerald,Which cartoon is it? What cartoon'll be so insensitive as to have Mohammad as a character?
Randy,Who do you think?! The cartoon that's always pushing buttons with their careless toilet humor! Family Guy!
Crowd,AWWW!
Jimbo,How could Family Guy do that?
Sheila,Why would Family Guy so blatantly insult Muslims?
Randy,Because Family Guy doesn't care who they insult! They only care about their... precious money!
Stan,"Oh come on, people. You really think anybody's gonna be that pissed off about a cartoon??"
Mr. Mackey,Wu-we've got the TV working!
Tom,"Once again, a cartoon depicting the Muslim prophet Mohammad is set to air tonight on Family Guy!"
Sharon,"Oh Randy, hold me."
Tom,"The news has already sparked a shockwave of protests throughout the Muslim world.  All over the Middle East, Muslims are burning American flags and Family Guy posters. Muslim terrorist al-Zawahri made this statement:"
al-Zawahri,"We are so super pissed off at 'Family Guy'. 'Family Guy' isn't even that funny of a show. A jihad on 'Family Guy', and the 'Family Guy' nation!"
Linda,So what happens now?
Randy,"We stay here through the night, wait it out to see if they do anything. If we're still alive in the morning,  then we'll know we're not dead."
Mrs. Garrison,It's okay!
Randy,We're alive?? We're alive!
Jimbo,"Everyone. Everyone, listen. FOX Network censored the image of Mohammad at the last minute."
Crowd,Oh thank God.
Randy,"Well, it looks like we've dodged a bullet."
Stan,They censored the image of Mohammad? How?
Kyle,I TIVO every episode. We can go to my house and see what they did.
Kyle,"Okay you guys, check it out."
Cartman,You TIVO every episode of Family Guy?
Kyle,"Dude, it's a good show."
Stan,"Yeah, lots of people like Family Guy."
Cartman,Yich.
Lois,"Peter, I can't believe you invited your old high-school sweetheart over for dinner."
Peter,You think that's bad? Remember when I auditioned to be David Hasselhoff's car?
Peter,"Hey there, Knight Rider."
Michael,"After those bad guys, KITT!"
Chris,"Yeah, but Dad, why would you invite an ex-girlfriend to dinner?"
Stewie,Perhaps he wants to make our mother nervous.
Peter,Nervous? Like when I had to sell pancakes to the school soccer captain?
Peter,"Pancakes for you, Captain?"
Soccer Captain,"I'll be the Captain, and you'll be Tenille."
Peter,Love will keep us together
Kyle,"Hehaha, heh."
Cartman,Yich.
Lois,"But Peter, I don't wanna cook dinner for your ex-girlfriend."
Peter,"Well, maybe we can just have tea."
Brian,"You mean like the time you had tea with Mohammad, the prophet of the Muslim faith?"
Peter,"Come on, Mohammad, let's get some tea."
Mr. T,"Try my ""Mr. T. ...tea."""
Peter,"Oh boy, was that ever weird. Anyway, I can't believe I invited my old sweetheart to dinner. Huh."
Kyle,That's it? That's all they did?
Cartman,"Oh man, that's not cool! Seriously, that is not cool."
Stan,What? What's the big deal?
Cartman,"What's the big deal? You guys, they just made fun of the religion of an entire group of people.  What, you guys think that's okay?! Do you care at all about people's feelings?!"
Kyle,"Since when you care about being sensitive to people's religion, Cartman?!"
Stan,"Yeah, you rip on people's religion all the time!"
Cartman,"That's different! I'm just a little boy! That's a cartoon! Millions of people watch it! How would you feel, Kyle, if there was a cartoon on television that made fun of Jews all the time?! Huh?!"
Kyle,Uhhh...
Cartman,"I'm telling you guys, it's wrong! It's WRONG!!  It's wrong!"
Sheila,"Kyle? Kyle, what are you watchi-?!"
Peter,"Hey Brian, this is like the time I got a job as a carrot cake."
Sheila,"Gaaah! It's Family Guy! Quick, Gerald, do something!"
Kyle,"Dad, Dad, Jesus Christ!"
Gerald,It's okay... it's dead.
Sheila,You boys know you're not supposed to watch that careless show!
Kyle,"Mom, it was nothing. Mohammad just stood there and then drank some tea."
Sheila,You boys don't understand anything! It's obvious that you ALL need Muslim-sensitivity training!
Mrs. Garrison,"Welcome to Muslim-Sensitivity Training. It is important for us to understand why the Muslim feel the way they do, and why we can never show an image of Mohammad."
Kyle,"No, Muslims can't show an image of Mohammad."
Mrs. Garrison,"Kyle, you're not being very sensitive."
Cartman,"Yeah, Kyle. Maybe you think this is funny, but the rest of us don't."
Mrs. Garrison,"Let's all look at why Muslims are upset:  First of all, in the Muslim religion, you're not allowed to have what?  Sex. Good.  There's no sex until marriage in the Muslim world.  Now, this would be fine except that in the Muslim religion you also can't... Anybody?  Jack off.  Okay, jacking it is strictly forbidden in the Muslim religion.  And what do we know about the places Muslims live? They live in?  Good, sand.  Now put yourself in the shoes of a Muslim. It's Friday night, but you can't have sex, and you can't jack off. There's sand in your eyes and probably in the crack of your ass, and then some cartoon comes along from a country where people are getting laid, and mocks your prophet. Well you know what? I'd be pretty pissed off too!"
Cartman,"Mrs. Garrison, that is ignorant and racist! Muslims are mad because of Family Guy, not because they can't jack off! Right, Wendy?"
Wendy,...yeah.
Mr. Mackey,Attention students: Proceed to the school gymnasium immediately for an emergency announcement!
Stan,The hell's going on now?!
Principal Victoria,"Shh! Quiet, students, quiet!"
SNN Anchor,"Once again: we have just learned that the Family Guy episode featuring Mohammad was only Part 1 of a two-parter! And Part 2 is going to air next week, with Mohammad uncensored!"
Cartman,What?
Mrs. Garrison,Why would they-?
SNN Anchor,FOX Studios claims that the Family Guy writing staff has demanded the Mohammad character be seen in full view.  The head of FOX had this to say:
FOX President,"Family Guy is our biggest show. If they insist we don't censor their work, then we we can't."
Randy,FAMILY GUY!!!  I DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!
SNN Anchor,"Once again, bitter riots have started in the Middle East; this time, even more massive. And terrorist leader al-Zawahri has issued a threat"
al-Zawahri,"Seriously, 'Family Guy' isn't even that well written. The jokes are all interchangeable and usually irrelevant to the plot. When this episode airs-our retaliation will be MASSIVE!!!!"
Mr. Mackey,Retaliation... Oh my God. M'kay?
Cartman,Goddamned Family Guy! Now they're just provoking people! It's like they want a holy war!
Stan,Does this mean we don't have school all week?
Cartman,"You guys, this is serious! We have to do something!"
Kenny,(Like what?)
Cartman,We have to go to the FOX network in L.A. We have to go and... try to get that episode pulled. You guys with me?
Stan,"Dude, we can't go anywhere. They've shut down the airports and the buses."
Cartman,Then we'll ride our Big Wheels.
Stan,To Los Angeles?
Cartman,"If that's what it takes, yes! We have to talk to the network! The Family Guy writers aren't gonna back down!"
Kyle,Well good for them. They shouldn't! The writers are standing up and saying they aren't going to be intimidated!
Cartman,"Intimidated?! Is that what you think this is about, Kyle?"
Kyle,"All right dude, what the hell has gotten into you?! I don't trust for one second that your sudden concern for the Muslim people is real!"
Cartman,"All right, fine, Kyle. Forget the Muslim faith for a minute. People can get hurt. If ten people die because Family Guy just had to have their little joke, will you still think it's funny?  What if a hundred people died? Will it be funny then, Kyle?  I'm going to Los Angeles. I'm gonna do whatever I can to get that episode pulled before this gets out of hand. Somebody has to speak for the Muslim people. Somebody has to speak for what's right."
Gerald,"Kyle! Kyle, wake up!  We have to go! The terrorists are attacking!"
Kyle,Dad? Are you sure there's time?
Gerald,"This isn't a joke, Kyle! Bombs have already gone off in six cities!"
Kyle,No!
Sheila,Wait a minute!  Where's Ike?!
Gerald,He was just here! Ike!
Sheila,Ike!
Kyle,Ike? Iiike!  Ike!
Ike,Ice cream. I want chocolate.
Kyle,Ike!  This way!  Iiike!
Ike,Kyyyle!
Kyle,Nooooo!
Cartman,Come to try and stop me?!  It isn't gonna work.
Kyle,"I didn't come to stop you. I... I think you're right, Cartman. I want to help you get the Family Guy episode pulled."
Cartman,"Yeah well, I don't need a partner on this.  Especially one who doesn't trust me."
Kyle,"Look, Cartman, I don't know what's gotten into you, but... I I think it's pretty amazing. And I think it's real. You have to understand why I didn't believe you before."
Cartman,"Yeah. I do understand, Kyle. I've been doing the wrong things for a long time. Doing things for my own selfish reasons. I just wanna do something right, you know? Just this one time."
Kyle,"It's a long trip, dude. You're gonna need help. We can try and get the episode pulled together."
Cartman,You know we might not even make it into the studio.
Kyle,"I know. But just like you, I feel like I have to try. People can really get hurt, and a joke just isn't worth that."
Cartman,So what made you change your mind?
Kyle,I got some sound advice... from an old friend.
Cartman,"Well Kyle, we'd better get going."
Kyle,Yeah!
Cartman,Are you set?
Kyle,I'm set! Let's do this!
Cartman,"All right, let's roll!"
Mayor McDaniels,"People! People, quiet, please!  We must not panic!"
Randy,"Well what are we gonna do, Mayor?! Part 2 of the Family Guy episode airs in six days!"
Mayor McDaniels,I believe that Professor Thomas from the University has come up with a solution.
Prof. Thomas,"Thank you, Mayor.  Now look, everyone, Muslim terrorists and extremists are threatening us for what Family Guy is going to do... because they've wrongly grouped us together. Our only hope is to make the Muslim extremists know... that we had no part in the Mohammad episode. That even though the episode aired, we didn't watch it, we didn't hear it, and we didn't talk about it."
Jimbo,So how do we do that?
Prof. Thomas,"We bury our heads. In sand.  We take twenty to twenty-five dump trucks, fill them with sand from Monarch Lake, and then dump the sand along South Park Avenue. By using approximately eighteen dozen shovels, we can each dig a hole in the sand, stick our heads in the holes, and then have the person to our left bury them. If we can manage to get every person's head buried deep, deep in sand before the Mohammad episode airs, we could avoid looking like we're responsible for any part of this at all."
Stephen,"No, no, wait a minute,  that's ridiculous.  What we need to do is just the opposite. Freedom of speech is at stake here, don't you all see?  If anything, we should ALL make cartoons of Mohammad, and show the terrorists and the extremists that we are all united in the belief that every person has a right to say what they want! Look, people, it's... been real easy for us to stand up for free speech lately. For the past few decades we haven't had to risk anything to defend it. But those times are going to come! And one of those times is right now. And if WE... aren't willing to RISK... what we have, then we just believe in free speech, but we don't defend it."
Randy,I like the sand idea.
Mr. Mackey,"Yeah, me too."
Gerald,Yeah. The sand thing sounds a lot simpler.
Mayor McDaniels,"We're gonna need eight dozen shovels and sixteen tons of sand! Let's move, people!"
Kyle,"We got six days to make it to Los Angeles. If we keep our stops to a minimum, we should be able to get the episode pulled just in time."
Cartman,"Yes, and in just a few weeks from now, Family Guy will be off the air forever."
Kyle,Off the air? But... we're just going to try to get the Mohammad episode pulled.
Cartman,"It's simple television economics, Kyle. All it takes to kill a show forever is get one episode pulled. If we convince the network to pull this episode for the sake of Muslims, then the Catholics can demand a show they don't like get pulled. And then people with disabilities can demand another show get pulled. And so on and so on, until Family Guy is no more! It's exactly what happened to Laverne & Shirley."
Kyle,Whoa whoa wait a minute!  This isn't what I signed up for! I like Family Guy. Why do we have to get it off the air forever?
Cartman,"Because they made f-fun of Muslims, and and that's wrong."
Kyle,But that doesn't mean it has to go off the air. You should like that show. Your sense of humor is just like Family Guy.
Cartman,"Don't you EVER, EVER, compare me to Family Guy! You hear me Kyle??!! Compare me to Family Guy again, and so help me I will kill you where you stand!"
Kyle,You unbelievable son of a bitch. You never cared about the Muslim religion. Or the safety of people in America. You just want Family Guy off the air!
Cartman,"Do you have any idea what it's like?! Everywhere I go, ""Hey Cartman, you must like Family Guy, right?"" ""Hey, your sense of humor reminds me of Family Guy, Cartman.""  I am NOTHING like Family Guy! When I make jokes, they are inherent to a story! Deep, situational and emotional jokes based on what is relevant and has a POINT! Not just one interchangeable joke after another!!"
Kyle,What are you talking about?!
Cartman,YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!
Kyle,I can't believe I let you scare me into taking your side. You used fear to make me stop believing in free speech.
Cartman,Well... I guess you won't be helping me now. No biggie. I don't NEED you to get the episode pulled!
Kyle,No!  I am NOT letting you go to that television studio and pretend... to care about safety and sensitivity to get a show you don't like off the air!
Cartman,"Well then Kyle, I guess we- ...Oh my God, is that Tim McGraw?"
Kyle,What?  CARTMAN!
Cartman,"Kyle, stop it!"
Cartman,Holy Crap!
Kyle,Ahhh!
Trooper,"Stay on 'em!  Jesus, Mary!"
Prof. Thomas,"If you have children, be sure to bury their heads in the sand before you bury your own."
Stan,"Dad, I don't wanna bury my head in the sand."
Randy,"It's the best say, Stanley. Did you eat your Fruit Roll-Up?"
Stan,Yeah.
Randy,"All right, make sure your snorkel is working.  All right, now get your head in the hole."
Stan,"Dad, this is stupid."
Randy,"Stanley, there's no time for your immaturity! Do it!  All right Sharon, now do me."
Jimbo,"Uh Professor, we all just thought of somethin'. If everyone has their head buried by the person standing to their left, then who's gonna bury the last person's head?"
Prof. Thomas,"Yes. I'm afraid one person is going to have to be last, and... not have his head in the sand."
Farmer,I'll do it.
Wife,"Dylan, no!"
Prof. Thomas,"You realize by not burying your head in sand, you'll appear to be a part of the Family Guy audience."
Dylan,"Yes, I know."
Wife,"Dylan, please, you can't!"
Dylan,"Somebody has to do it, Sarah.  You run along now and you get your head in the sand. I'll be all right.  You have to understand... I'm all she has."
Mrs. Garrison,Who are those people?
Kyle,No!  AAAAH!  AAAAH!
Cartman,"Hahahaha! So long, Kyle!"
Kyle,You son of a bitch! I won't let you win! You hear me?!
Cartman,"Suck mah balls, Kyle!"
President Bush,Are you the network president?
FOX President,"Yes, Mr. President."
President Bush,"We need to discuss this Family Guy episode, Mr. President."
FOX President,"Mr. President, my hands are tied. The Family Guy writers insist I don't censor Mohammad."
President Bush,"But Mr. President, this is a matter of national security. They must be reasoned with."
FOX President,"Mr. President, there's something about the Family Guy writing staff I think you should know."
Announcer,Next week on South Park: The race continues. Cartman reaches the Family Guy Studio and learns the shocking secret behind the Family Guy writing staff.
Cartman,This... explains everything.
Announcer,As an entire nation buries its head in sand...
SNN Anchor,The idea has swept the nation! But where will we find enough sand for everyone?
Announcer,...and the battle between Good and Evil is finally waged...
Cartman,"Kyle, quit it! Stop it, Kyle!"
Announcer,"Will the cartoon be allowed to appear uncensored? Will Family Guy be destroyed??? Will television executives fight for free speech? Or will Comedy Central puss out? Tune in to see Part 2 of Family Guy, next week, on South Park!"
Announcer,Previously on South Park...
SNN Anchor,"The popular cartoon, Family Guy, is going to show the image of Mohammad uncensored!"
Prof. Thomas,"If we all bury our heads in sand,  we can avoid being any part of this."
Cartman,I'm gonna do whatever I can... to get that episode pulled before this gets out of hand.
Kyle,You just want Family Guy off the air...
Cartman,"Kyle, stop it!"
Cartman,"So long, Kyle!"
Kyle,You son of a bitch! I won't let you win!
FOX President,"Mr. President, there's something about the Family Guy writing staff I think you should know."
Announcer,"And now, the thrilling conclusion of... Cartoon Wars... will not be seen tonight!  so that we can bring you this Terrance & Phillip Television Special"
Phillip,"Say Terrance, isn't it wonderful having a holiday here at the Lazy ""J"" Ranch?"
Terrance,"It sure is, Phillip. But I do believe this steer I'm riding has the farts."
Phillip,"Oh, look who's coming! Isn't that Mohammad, the holy prophet of the Muslim religion?"
Mohammad,"Hey guys, how's it going?"
Terrance,"Hello Mohammad, we've read all aboat you in the Koran."
Mohammad,I'm here to investigate a murder.
Terrance,"ALL RIGHT, JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE??!!"
Phillip,You censored out the image of Mohammad in our television special!!
Network President,Ey! You guys know the rules! Nobody can show the image of Mohammad anymore. It's dangerous.
Terrance,But you ruined the whole show!
Network President,"Look, I'm not gonna risk the lives of the people at this network. Let's just forget aboat it, okay guys?  Aw, come on guys, give me a break."
Phillip,"We demand you rerun Mystery at the Lazy ""J"" Ranch with Mohammad uncensored!"
Network President,"Ey! I run this network, not you guys! And if you ask me, your show has become so preachy and full of messages that you've forgotten how to be funny! NO Mohammad!"
Terrance,But Family Guy is going to show Mohammad on an episode that airs tonight!
Network President,"I doubt it! I'll bet that right now, somebody is on their way to FOX Network to demand that that episode be pulled."
Cartman,"Ma'am, I need to speak to the president of this network right away."
Receptionist,What is it regarding?
Cartman,"It's regarding Family Guy. I demand that the Mohammad episode be pulled before it airs tonight! It's incendiary, it's offensive to Muslims, and people can get hurt! It's wrong! It's WROOONG!"
Receptionist,"O...kay, but if you've got a problem with Family Guy, you'll have to wait in line.  That little boy over there has an appointment to try and get Family Guy off the air altogether."
Cartman,"Dude, can I go before you?"
Bart,Eat my shorts!
Kyle,"What the hell is going on?  Hello?  Excuse me, I need to get to Los Angeles.  Hello?!"
SNN Anchor,"...starting in a small town in central Colorado. The idea has now spread all over America.  Muslims continue to riot in the Middle East, demanding that Family Guy not air tonight's episode.  Amd Muslim terrorists continue to make threats."
Al-Zawahri,"""Family Guy"" better not show Mohammad tonight. I'm serious. ""Family Guy"" isn't funny."
SNN Anchor,Osama bin Laden had this to say:
Osama bin Laden,"If you look closely at the writing in ""Family Guy"", you will see that the jokes never derive from the plot, and I think that's totally gay."
SNN Anchor,"Bin Laden went on to say that if Family Guy shows the image of Mohammad as planned, the terrorist retaliation will be immediate."
Trucker,You one of them?
Kyle,Who?
Trucker,How come your head ain't in the sand?
Cartman,"So... you don't like Family Guy either, huh?"
Bart,I hate Family Guy.
Cartman,So what's your plan? You're gonna ask the president of the network nicely to take it off the air?
Bart,Not nicely.
Cartman,"Look, kid, if you hate a TV show, all you have to do is get an episode pulled. Pretty soon the show is compromised and it goes off the air."
Bart,"Cool, man."
Cartman,Yes. So my plan is to use this whole Mohammad thing as a way to scare the network into pulling tonight's show. I'm going to use fear to get them to do what I want.
Bart,"Isn't that like, terrorism?"
Cartman,"...No, it isn't like terrorism. It IS terrorism."
Bart,I could do that.
Cartman,This is manipulation at its highest lever; you should let me handle this.
Bart,I'm a pretty bad kid.
Cartman,Really? What's the worst thing you've ever done?
Bart,I stole the head off a statue once.
Cartman,"Wow, that's pretty hardcore. Geez. That's like this one time, when I didn't like a kid, so I ground his parents up into chili and fed it to him."
Bart,"You got it, man. You got it."
Cartman,Seeya.
President Bush,"I want to assure the American people that as President, I have exhausted every possible solution. Unfortunately, Mohammad will appear uncensored on Family Guy tonight at seven."
Reporters,Mr. President!
Reporter 1,"Mr. President, can't the writers of the show be reasoned with? Don't they know they're putting the country in danger?"
President Bush,I have come to... understand something about the Family Guy writing staff. Suffice it to say that they will not be persuaded by the possibility of violence.
Reporters,Mr. President!
Reporter 1,"What exactly did you learn about the Family Guy writing staff, Mr. President?"
President Bush,I'm afraid that information is classified.
Reporters,AWWW!!!  Mr. President!
TCO Reporter,"Mr. President, can't you force the Family Guy writing staff not to write anything about Mohammad?"
LSX Reporter,Couldn't you throw them in prison?
President Bush,Look! The fact of the matter is the Family Guy writing staff is protected by something called the First Amendment!
Reporter 2,"And what exactly is this First Amendment, Mr. President?"
President Bush,"Uh you know, the right to free speech."
Reporters,AWWW!!!
Reporter 3,"Mr. President, when your administration came up with this ""First Amendment,"" did it not foresee a problem like this might happen?"
President Bush,Well... We didn't come up with the First Amendment. It was already in place.
TCO Reporter,"What do you intend to do about this ""First Amendment,"" Mr. President?"
Reporter 4,"Forgive me, Mr. President, but this ""First Amendment"" sounds like a lot of bureaucratic jibbery-joob?"
Reporters,Yeah!
Reporter 5,That's right!
FOX President,"Okay, let's discuss the fall lineup."
Receptionist 2,"Sir, there's still one little boy out here who wants to speak with you about pulling the Family Guy episode"
FOX President,"All right, let's get this over with."
Cartman,"Hello, gentlemen, ladies. My name is little Danny Pocket. And I won't take much of your time. Please excuse my tiny crutch; it's the only way I can get around these days. Ow..."
Staff,"Oh, poor kid."
Cartman,"You see, my father worked for a newspaper in my native country of Denmark. His newspaper showed an image of Mohammad and, two days later, terrorists suicides bombed his building. I was in the lobby when it happened.  First one terrorist suicide bombed us and, then dozens more. They just kept coming. Suicide bombers running in the building and blowing up one after another! They were like Mexican jumping beans. I just don't wanna see people here at your studio getting hurt, because... that would be, of course, your responsibility.  Ow.."
FOX President,I feel terrible. It's so east to put terrorism out of mind until one of its victims is staring you in the face.
Staffer,"Sir, if we pull the episode, the Family Guy writing staff will refuse to work again."
FOX President,"Little boy, will you talk to the Family Guy writing staff? If your story touches their hearts like it has ours, perhaps they'll back down from demanding we air the episode."
Cartman,I'll certainly do my best.  Ow.
FOX President,"Take this noble child over to the Family Guy offices. If he can scare them like he has us, maybe we can pull the Mohammad episode after all."
Cartman,"Yes, and then Family Guy is as good as dead."
FOX President,What was that?
Cartman,"I I said ""thank you."" Thank you for listening."
Kyle,Thanks a lot for the ride.
Trucker,"Ey, it's the least I could do. I hope you succeed, kid. I really don't wanna see Family Guy go off the air. I love that show!"
Kyle,I'll do everything I can.
Trucker,"I mean, I know it's just joke after joke, but I like that. At least it doesn't get all preachy and up its own ass with messages, you know?"
Kyle,Excuse me.  Do you know which way the network president's office is?
Bart,Who wants to know?!
Kyle,"Look, my fat bastard friend is trying to trick the network into getting Family Guy off the air."
Bart,The network president's office is in there!
Kyle,"Oh thanks, dude."
Bart,"No problem, man."
Kyle,"Hello? This can't be right, I-  Ow!"
Bart,"Cowabunga, motherfucker!"
Receptionist 2,Hello Mitchell.
Mitchell,"Oh hi, Miss Travis."
Miss Travis,The president has asked that little Danny Pocket here speak with the Family Guy writing staff.
Mitchell,Are you... sure? They're working on a new episode right now.
Cartman,"It won't take long, sir.  Ow..."
Mitchell,"All right, I'll take him back. Follow me, little Danny.  You must be excited. Not many people get to meet our writing staff."
Cartman,"Yes, I'm totally excited. Family Guy is so funny."
Mitchell,"Well, here we are. Danny, the Family Guy writing staff."
Cartman,Wha?  What are they?
Mitchell,"They're manatees.  Gretchen and Flubber are from the Gulf of Mexico. Tinker, Pete and Lucy are from the Caribbean Sea."
Cartman,"Family Guy is written by manatees?  Of course, it all makes sense now."
Mitchell,"They really are brilliant creatures.  You see, the right side of the tank is filled with idea balls.  Each ball has a verb, noun, or pop culture reference written on it. There's millions of them.  The manatees choose an idea ball and swim it over to the joke combine on the other side of the tank.  Uh there goes Gretchen! She's comin' up with an idea. Oh, she came up with Gary Coleman.  The idea balls drop into the joke combine and form part of the new script.  Laundry Date Winning Mexico Gary Coleman. A perfect Family Guy joke! I can see it now!"
Lois,"Peter, you didn't do the laundry today."
Peter,You think that's bad? Remember the time I won a date to Mexico with Gary Coleman?
Waiter,"¿Qué pasa, señores?"
Gary Coleman,"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
Cartman,Waitwaitaminute waitaminute. These... manatees demanded that Mohammad be shown? How? Manatees don't talk!
Mitchell,"When FOX censored the image of Mohammad last week, it also meant that the Mohammad ball had to come out of the idea tank. It made the manatees very upset. Pull just one idea ball out of the idea tank, and the manatees stop working. He-here, I'll show you.  Keith?  All right all right, put it back in!  Manatees are very ethical writers. Either everything's okay to write about, or nothing is. Anyway, the president of the network wanted you to ...speak with the manatees."
Cartman,"Oh... yes, yes. Um  hello, manatees. I, I think you should allow the network to pull your episode with Mohammad. See, I'm the victim of a, a terrorist attack and... terrorists might come after you if you-"
Mitchell,That isn't gonna work on them.
Cartman,Why not?
Mitchell,Don't you know anything about manatees? They're the only mammals that are completely unmoved by terrorst threats.
Cartman,Son of a bitch.
Kyle,"Let me out of here, kid! Why are you doing this?"
Cartman,Well well well!
Kyle,Cartman!
Cartman,"Hello, Kyle. Looks like you've run into a little snag in your plan as well."
Kyle,You fat sun of a bitch!
Cartman,"You came so close to stopping me, didn't you, Kyle. There was just one thing you didn't count on: that more people besides me hate Family Guy."
Bart,Yeah.
Kyle,"Well, a lot of people like Family Guy too! Who are you to decide it shouldn't be on the air?!"
Bart,"Shut up!  You shut your fucking face, man!  Did it work? Did you scare the network into pulling the episode?"
Cartman,"Not yet! But I've come up with a new plan. I've learned how to make the Family Guy writing staff stop working! As soon as everyone goes on their lunch break, I can sneak back in."
Bart,Cool man!
Kyle,"Cartman, let me out of this stupid net!!"
Cartman,"Good, Kyle! That's good anger you're showin' there! See that?! That's emotional character development based on what's happening in the storyline! Not at all like Family Guy. Now, if you'll excuse me, Kyle,  I've got some idea balls to remove from a manatee tank."
Kyle,WHAT?!
FOX President,I don't understand it. What's wrong with them?
Mitchell,"We don't know, Mr. President. They just stopped working."
FOX President,"But, nobody took any idea balls out of the tank, did they?"
Mitchell,"No sir, none of us did."
FOX President,Then why are they refusing to write? I agreed to show Mohammad uncensored! I did what you asked! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??!!
Cartman,"Sir! Sir!  If you don't my saying, I think you asked for this. You gave in to the manatees last week. Now they know all they have to do is refuse to work and they can get whatever they want. You spoiled them by caving in. Now they thnk they can walk all over you.  Sir, you are in charge of this network, not them. Maybe it's time you showed them who's in charge."
FOX President,"You're right. It's time I stop letting these primadonna manatees tell me what to do! I'm pulling the Mohammad episode, you got that?! And if you all don't want to work tomorrow, you can just find other jobs!!  How long before Family Guy's supposed to air?!"
Executive,Twenty-five minutes.
FOX President,I gotta hurry!
Cartman,I did it. I... AM... GOD!!!
Cartman,"Family Guy is going off the air! No more Family Guy for me, mon frère!"
Kyle,Cartman!!  You fucking fatass!
Cartman,How the hell did you get out?
Kyle,That kid and I had a long talk! I told him he was on a slippery slope to becoming a monster like you!
Cartman,"Aw, God damnit, you gave him one of your gay little speeches, didn't you?!"
Kyle,You are NOT KILLING FAMILY GUY!!
Cartman,"You're too late, Kyle! The president of the network is pulling the episode! Family Guy is as good as dead!"
Kyle,There's still time to tell the network president you're full of CRAP!
Cartman,I can't let you do that!
Kyle,Get out of my way or I'll kick your ass!
Cartman,"Fine, Kyle. I guess it was inevitable.  Let this be our final battle.  Ow. OW! Stop it! Kyle, that's too hard! Ah!  Ugh. Kyle! Stop it!"
Kyle,Ow. Quit it!
Cartman,"Ow. Quit it, Kyle! Bleh. Kyle!"
Cartman,Stop it!
Kyle,Ow. Quit it!
Cartman,"Ow. Quit it, Kyle! Leh- Kyle! Let go- Okay okay come on, time out. Kyle, time out! Time out! Time out.  Time in!  I d-ow! Uh. Ah. Sh-gah. Okay. Okay. Time out! Kyle t-time out! Time out! Time out! Time out! Time out!"
Kyle,"No more timeouts, fatass!"
Cartman,"Time out! Time out! Time out, Kyle! Ay! Ay!"
Cartman,"Kyle! Kyle! Get the... Get the- Kyle! Kyle, dude, that was- that was in the balls! Dude, serious- seriously! That was in the balls! No hitting- No hitting in the balls!  Kyle!  Quit it, Kyle. Give it up, Kyle!  Okay... Okay! Okay okay!  You win! You win. I give up.  Hahaha! I had my fingers crossed."
Kyle,"Thanks, kid."
FOX President,Network Control! This is the President! I want you to pull the episode.
Woman,"What?  Mr. President, are you sure?"
FOX President,I'm sure. Begin episode jettison sequence 0 2 900.
Computer Voice,Abort System initiated.
Programmer 1,Awaiting confirmation.
Woman,"Mr. President, we need your final approval code."
FOX President,President approval code  0-0-destruct-
Kyle,Sir! Mister television executive! Stop!
FOX President,Who are you?
Kyle,Listen to me: the little boy who convinced you to pull the episode is a bastard child. He only wants you to pull it because he knows it will be the end of Family Guy forever!
FOX President,The end of Family Guy?
Woman,"Mr. President, we need final authorization!"
FOX President,"Hold on, Julie!  What are you talking about, kid?"
Kyle,Pulling an episode because someone is offended starts a chain reaction. You'll have to pull more and more episodes until the show goes off the air completely. It's what happened to Laverne & Shirley.
FOX President,You mean... the manatees aren't trying to run the network?
Kyle,What manatees??!!
Cartman,"Go ahead, Mr. President! Continue what you were doing!"
Kyle,"No! You have to show Mohammad, Mr. President!"
Woman,"Mr. President, we're awaiting your orders!"
Kyle,"Sir, just think about what you're doing to free speech!"
Cartman,No! Think about the people who could get hurt!
FOX President,Ah... I don't know who to listen to!
Cartman,"Okay, I'll make it easy for you.  Pull the Mohammad episode, now!"
FOX President,"Okay, I'll listen to you.  Julie?"
Kyle,Noo! Wait! You can't listen to him! He's a lying deceitful monster who only wants Family Guy off the air!
FOX President,But he has a gun.
Kyle,You can't do what he wants just because he's the one threatening you with violence!
Cartman,"Shut up, Kyle!"
FOX President,I can't be responsible for people getting hurt. Especially me.
Kyle,"Yes, people can get hurt. That's how terrorism works. But if you give into that, Doug, you're allowing terrorism to work. Do the right thing here."
Cartman,"Give the orders to pull the episode, Mr. President!"
FOX President,I shouldn't even be in the office still. It's supposed to be half-day Friday.
Woman,"Mr. President, thirty seconds to airtime. What do you want us to do?!"
Kyle,"Do the right thing, Mr. President."
FOX President,"How about I allow the episode to air but, just censor out the image of Mohammad again."
Kyle,"I wish that was good enough, but if you censor out Mohammad, then soon you'll have to censor out more."
Cartman,"No gay speeches, Kyle!"
Kyle,"If you don't show Mohammad, then you've made a distinction what is okay to poke fun at, and what isn't. Either it's all okay, or none of it is."
Woman,"Five seconds, Mr. President!"
Kyle,Do the right thing. Show Mohammad.  Do. The right. Thing.
Woman,"Mr. President, we need a decision now!"
FOX President,Family Guy goes on air as planned. Uncensored.
Kyle,Yes!
Cartman,"No! No, I hate Family Guy!!"
Woman,Air it!
Lois,Peter! You got a pink slip at work?
Peter,You think that's bad? Remember the time I got a salmon helmet from Mohammad while wearing a toga?
Peter,Coming Mohammad.
Peter,"Wow, a salmon helmet! Thanks!"
Peter,"Anyway, what were we talking about?"
Peter,"Oh yeah, my pink slip."
President Bush,"Hey, that wasn't bad at all. They just showed Mohammad standin' there, lookin' normal."
An Official,"Mr. President, the terrorists are retaliating!"
President Bush,What?!
Peter,Or the time I-
SNN anchor,"As soon as the image of Mohammad appeared, terrorist leader al-Zawahri announced the retaliation!"
Al-Zawahri,"We warned you not to show Mohammad- But ""Family Guy"" did it anyways. So now, here is our retaliation on America!!!"
American Male 1,"Hello, I am American."
American Male 2,I'm American too.
American Male 1,We like to crap own each other.
President Bush,"Hello, I am the President Bush. I will crap on both of you."
American Male 2,Ugh! We love to crap!
American Female,"I'm American. I'm pregnant with a baby, but I'm not married."
American Male 3,Let's crap.
Jesus,"Look at me! I'm Jesus! Would you like me to crap on you, Mr. Bush?"
All,"Mmm, yummy yummy crap."
Al-Zawahri,"Oh yeah, take THAT! We burned you! THAT WAS WAY FUNNIER THAN FAMILY GUY."
Waiter,"Hi, welcome to P.F Chang's. How spicy would you like me to make your Chang sauce?"
Head Waiter,"Chris, the people at Table 3 need their check."
Chris,I know. I'm swamped. I've got no help here!
Head Waiter,Well what about the new waiter?
Chris,"The new waiter is useless. And, I think he's high."
Towelie,How spicy would you like your Chang sauce?
Male Diner,"Will you just place our order, please?"
Towelie,"Oh man, I have no idea what's goin' on."
Head Waiter,Everything okay here?
Male Diner,"Fine, except this towel has been mixing Chang sauce for fifteen minutes. He's clueless!"
Towelie,Don't call me shoeless! You're shoeless!
Male Diner,Yeah? Well you're a towel!
Towelie,You're a towel!
Head Waiter,"All right, that's it! Get out of here! You're fired!"
Towelie,Yeah!
Head Waiter,"Not him, you!"
Towelie,Awww.
Towelie,"Aw man, I really screwed up this time. The rent's due at the end of the month, and I don't have any money. I need to shape up and find a new job, quick.  But first, maybe I'll get a little high.  Wait. Here it goes. Good ideas comin'. Yeah. Hey yeah! I should become a writer! If I just write a book about my life, I can get it published and then make plenty of money to pay rent."
Towelie,A MILLION LITTLE FIBERSByToweleeeieThis is a really good idea...
Publisher 1,"Aha. Mmm. Yes. Yes, I see. Well, that's quite a fascinating story, you being engineered as a towel with a computer chip that determines dryness."
Towelie,Yep! And it's all true.
Publisher 1,"Chapters 4 through 8, however, seem to all be about Doritos Brand Corn Chips."
Towelie,I guess I could edit those chapters down some.
Publisher 1,"Don't bother. I'm sorry to tell you this, sir, but nobody's ever going to publish your memoirs."
Towelie,Huh? Why not?
Publisher 1,"Well, just the small trivial fact that... people aren't interested in autobiographies of towels."
Towelie,"Wull yeah, but, maybe people will read my memoirs and like, apply its lessons to their own lives."
Publisher 1,No. They won't. Because they're people. And you're a towel.
Towelie,You're a towel!
Publisher 1,No. I'm a big book publisher who's not the least bit interested in your stony memoirs. You're a towel.
Towelie,"Now what am I gonna do? I gotta pay rent and I just wasted three weeks writin' my memoirs. It's time for me to stop bein' so irresponsible. I've gotta shape up, focus, an' come up with real solutions to my problems.  I'd better get a little high.  Oh, maybe I shouldn't."
Joint,"But you have to think of somethin' fast, an' gettin' high makes you smart."
Towelie,"All right, I'll just use my special gettin'-high powers one more time.  Hey. Hey, wait a minute. Of course! That's it! Why didn't I think of it before?"
Towelie,All my life I've been a pretty irresponsible towel.  person. I thought I was somehow stronger and more immune than other towels.  people.  This is a really good idea.
Publisher 2,"Ogh. Oh my God. Uh I could not believe a human being has led this kind of life, Mr...!"
Towelie,McTowelie. Steven McTowelie.
Publisher 2,"It's heartbreaking passages like this one: ""I am a person who often gets hung out to dry by all those around me."" I know this company would be honored to publish this book. I just have one small question first. You're not... a towel, are you?"
Towelie,"...No. If I was a towel, why would I be wearin' this hat, an' this fake mustache?"
Publisher 2,"Right, I'm sorry.  Well Steveen, if it's all right with you, I'm gonna to get our agents and lawyers on the phone right now. We're in business, sir."
Towelie,All right!
Oprah,"Thank you so much.  Once in a while I come across a book that is sooo honest and sooo moving that it changes my life.  ""A Million Little Fibers"" is the true story about a man who was born in a laboratory. Please welcome author Stevem McTowelie!  Steven, when I read your book, I thought to myself, ""How can a human being go through all this and still turn out okay?"""
Towelie,"Well, I guess I'm just an extra-special tow-  person."
Oprah,"You talk in your book how you would sometimes have to spend days hung up on a rack. What would that do to you emotionally? You have been through... so much,  and I think that people all over America could benefit..."
Her crotch,"Oh God, there she goes again, babblin' about people's lives and carryin' on. She hasn't paid any attention to me in years!"
Oprah,...a life that kept getting up whenever it was down...
Her crotch,"Nobody knows what it's like to be Oprah's minge. All she does is work, never gives her ol' minge a nice rub now and again. A minge needs attention! At least a scratch once in a while!"
Oprah,"Well Steven, your book hasn't sold a lot of copies yet, but I have some pretty exciting news for you!"
Mingie,"Used to be a time when Oprah would play with me night and day. She'd pet me for hours usin' every finger. Now I just sit here, in the dark, not even so much as a pinky! I should write a book! Be much more depressin' than his!"
Oprah,"And so, Steven, I'm making your book my official Book of the Month selection!"
Towelie,Really?  Wow. I'm gonna get super-rich now.
Oprah,"Uh huh, okay. Well listen, maybe we can get her in as a guest on the 19th. All right, is John Travolta available to be a guest the week after that? Okay, that might work better since it's Sweeps Week."
Mingie,"Can't take it anymore. All she ever does is work work work, never pays attention to the ol' minge. I'm always trapped in these stuffy pantsuits. I want attention! I'm bloody bored!"
A voice,Oh stop your complainin'! I'm tryin' to sleep back here.
Mingie,"Ay, 'oo's that? Is that you, Gary?"
Gary,Yes it's me. You think you've go' it bad? Oprah hasn't paid any attention to me in years.
Mingie,"Oh, what do you care? You're just an asshole. I'm a minge! Minges need stimulation."
Gary,"Assholes need stimulation too, you bastard! I want to travel. I want to see Paris. I thought lamp was goin' to get better, but Oprah's always busy. Werkin' and werkin', diyatin' and not diyatin'. I need a pukin' up mounds of chocolate cake or teaspoons of weedgrass."
Mingie,She's a workaholic. Let's face it: the only way we're ever goin' tuh get any attention is if Oprah doesn't work anymore.
Gary,Well that'll never happen.
Mingie,Not unless she gets fired.
Gary,"Fired... You got a plan, Mingie?"
Mingie,"That bloke on the show today, the one Oprah supported. 'E isn't a bloke at all. 'E's a towel."
Gary,Ooo. How d'you know?
Mingie,"I'm a minge. Minges know a towel when they hear one. If evidence gets out that Oprah's champion author is a towel, she'll look right foolish. Fans'll start droppin' off by the millions."
Gary,'Ow do we get proof?
Mingie,We get somebody else to do it. The greatest investiga'ive reporter of our time.
Butler,Mr. Rivera.
Geraldo,"What is it, Dimitri?"
Dimitri,There's somebody on the phone to speak with you. He says he has inside information for you that may discredit Oprah Winfrey.
Geraldo,Thith ith Geraldo.
Mingie,'Allo 'Eraldo. I've got some information for you ya might find interestin'. It could make Oprah Winfrey look quite foolish.
Geraldo,Who am I thpeaking with?!
Gary,'E wants to know who 'e's speakin' with.
Mingie,"Let's just say I work very closely with Oprah. You'd like to see 'er discredited, wouldn't ya?"
Geraldo,What information do you have?
Mingie,What'd 'e say?
Gary,He wants to know what information we have.
Mingie,"Just tell me wha' 'e says, Gary! Don't wait for me 'o ask you ""wha' 'e say?""!"
Gary,Stop wastin' my time.
Mingie,"Ay, don't get snooty with me, Gary!"
Gary,"I didn't say ""stop wastin' my time,"" Geraldo did."
Geraldo,What ith going on here?!
Mingie,"Oh all right Gary, this isn't workin'. Let's switch. I'll listen and you talk."
Gary,Hallo?
Geraldo,Who ith thith?
Gary,This is Gary.
Geraldo,Gary who?! What is your last name?!
Mingie,Don't give away your name. We don't want anyone to know where we are.
Gary,"A'right, look. All you need to know is that I'm definitely not Oprah's asshole."
Mingie,Aw you stupid twit!!
Gary,"Don't call me a twit, Geraldo!"
Mingie,"He didn't call you ""stupid twit,"" I did!! Now just tell 'im this:"
Gary,The writer of the book on Oprah's Book of the Month Club is a phonih. He's not a person at all. He's a towel.
Geraldo,A towel? A talking towel? That doethn't make any thenthe.
Mingie,Tell 'im 'e'd be surprised at things that can talk.
Gary,You'd be surprised at things that can talk.
Geraldo,What proof do you have of this accusation?!
Gary,"Just look into the author of ""A Million Little Fiyabers,"" and you'll discover the truth."
Geraldo,And how do I go about that?  Hello? HELLO?!
Announcer,This is Larry King Live.
Larry King,"My guest tonight is Steven McTowelie, author of the acclaimed book, ""A Million LIttle Fibers."" How are you tonight, Steven?"
Towelie,"Well Larry, I'm a little high."
Larry King,Your book has helped a lot of people beat addiction. What made you write it?
Towelie,"Well Larry, I was... really just writin' down my memoirs as I-"
Larry King,"What? What's that? Oh ex- oh excuse me, Steven, I understand that we have a special report coming in. Joining us live from Afghanistan, here is Geraldo Rivera."
Geraldo,"Hello? Larry, are you receiving me?"
Larry King,"We're here, Geraldo. You're live on the show."
Geraldo,"Larry, this brave reporter has been days investigating and researching, and I have come up with a shocking discovery that is going to rock the balls and ass of the literary world! Steven McTowelie, author of ""A Million LIttle Fibers,"" is a towel!"
Towelie,You're a towel.
Geraldo,"No, you're a towel."
Towelie,Well you're a beaner towel.
Geraldo,What did you say??
Towelie,I'm sorry. I'm high.
Aide 1,"This looks pretty bad, Oprah."
Aide 2,"Your fans look to you to be all-knowing and all-seeing, and you've just spent two weeks supporting a lying racist towel."
Mingie,"'E did it, Gary! 'Eraldo got the proof!"
Gary,Oprah's got egg all over her face! She'll have to retire!
Mingie,"It's the beginning of a new life for us, Gary. Without 'er career 'o worry about, Oprah's sure to travel the world! Enjoy the finer things in life! She'll spend hours just ... playin' with 'er own minge!"
Gary,And her Gary too.
Mingie,"Sure. And 'er Gary. We did it, mate!"
Aide 2,"Oprah, we need to know what we're going to do."
Oprah,What's the big deal? His book helped people. Why does it matter than he made some stuff up? Are people really going to be that mad?
Protester 1,Your book got me to give up alcohol! But I thought you were a person!
Protester 2,"Yeah, we want our money back, you dumb towel!"
Latino Protesters,¡No insultar Mexicanos! ¿Oye? ¡No insultar Mexicanos! ¿Oye?
Towelie,"Oh God, I'm really in trouble now.  Hello?"
Oprah,"Steven, it's Oprah. Can you come on my show again tomorrow?"
Towelie,Why?
Oprah,"We need to tell the audience why you changed some of the facts in your book; that you thought it necessary to ""heighten"" certain things to make the book more relevant to people."
Towelie,Hey yeah.
Oprah,"Just come on the show and explain in a very level-headed way that changing some facts shouldn't matter if the book helps people, okay?"
Towelie,Okay. Thanks Oprah! You're a real friend.
Oprah,See you tomorrow.
Towelie,"All right, I got one chance here. I need to focus and come up with what I'm gonna say.  Maybe I should get a little high.  No! Wait a minute! I'm not going to get high this time."
Joint,"Aw, come on. You need to come up with ideas of what to say on Oprah."
Towelie,"But, the ideas I come up with when I'm high keep gettin' me in trouble."
Joint,Yeah. That's why you should only get a little high.
Towelie,"Well, maybe just a little high."
Oprah,"Today my guest is once again Steven McTowelie, whose memoirs many of you purchased after I made it my Book of the Month Selection."
Mingie,"Ya hear that, Gary? Nobody's applaudin'!"
Gary,Yeah! They're all right pissed off! This is great!
Oprah,"Now, it turns out that your name isn't really Steven. It's Towelie, correct?"
Towelie,Yeah.
Oprah,And you are a towel.
Towelie,"Yes, I'm pretty much a towel, Oprah."
Oprah,Can you explain to the audience why you said you weren't a towel before?
Towelie,"Well Oprah, I was all, like, um... uh, woo dat all like... It's like..."
Oprah,Was it that you thought embellishing the story was okay if it helped people?
Towelie,"Yeah. Yeah, that's it!"
Oprah,"Well you know what I think, Towelie? I think you're a LYING SACK OF SHIT!  You lied to all these people, and for what??!! To make money!! They bought your book thinking it was true!!"
Man 1,That's right!
Man 2,Yeah.
Towelie,But I thought you said-
Oprah,How DARE you like to me and make me look foolish?!
Mingie,What's this? What's she doin'?
Gary,"I don't understand, Mingie."
Oprah,"You think writing is a joke, you stupid towel?!"
Man 3,"Yeah, you you get him, Oprah!"
Audience,Yeah!
Oprah,You will not get away with this!
Mingie,"She's getting everyone back on 'er side! Oh, tha' clever cow!"
Oprah,"You lied to me, Towelie! And therefore you have lied to America!  We are going to rise up against you!  Is this audience ready for a good old-fashioned lynching?!"
Audience,Yeah!
Towelie,Huh?
Oprah,"Audience, if you look under your seats, you'll find your very own torches!"
Audience,Whoa.
Gary,"Minge, does this mean I have to wait to see Paris?"
Mingie,"There's not gonna be any Paris! Don't you get it, Gary?! The fat cow get everyone on 'er side again! She'll be workin' more than ever now! Our plan is ruined!"
Gary,No!
Oprah,We'll give you a five-second headstart.  One. Two.
Towelie,Hoooo!
Oprah,Let's get him!
Woman,Burn him! Burn the towel!
Man 4,Burn that which lies to Oprah!
Oprah,"Looks like your time is up, Towelie! I've led my adoring fans RIGHT to you!"
Man 5,All right Oprah!
Oprah,I've shown my fans that... ugh! Ow! Wha??
Mingie,All right! Everyone back! Get back I said!
Oprah,What the hell is this??!!
Mingie,"Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!"
Gary,"Mingie, what're you doin'?"
Mingie,Gettin' ou'a here Gary! One way or another!
Oprah,What is going on??!!
Mingie,"Shut up! Shut up, you miserable old cow, or so help me I'll blow your brains out!  I want a chooper! You got that?! And a jet waiting at the airport!"
Gary,"Mingie, have you lost your mind?"
Mingie,"Come on, Gary! You always said you wanted to see Paris!"
Gary,"Not like this, Mingie. Not like this!"
Officer,"All right, gig is up. Put down the gun!"
Mingie,"Stay back, mate!"
Officer,Drop the gun and step away.
Mingie,I'm warnin' you!
Officer,"Put it down, I said-  Augh!  Gawhh"
Gary,Jesus Minge! You killed him! You shot him dead!
Mingie,"No turnin' back now, Gary."
Gary,"Oh God, I think I'm goinna be sick eh."
Mingie,"Oh keep your head, Gary."
Gary,"I can't, uh... I'm goinna puke!"
Mingie,"Ah, Gary, that smells awful! Now I'm gonna throw up!  Try to leave and I'll shoot you too! You hostages aren't goin' anywhere till we get what we want!"
Man 6,"Oh my God, what are we goinna do?"
Man 7,"You got us into this, towel. Think of somethin'!"
Towelie,"All right, I'm gonna get a little high.  No! No I'm NOT gonna get high! Every time I get high, I come up with ideas that get me in more trouble. I'm not gettin' high this time!"
Geraldo,"I'm standing in the business district of central Chicago, where Oprah's vagina has killed a police officer and taken several people hostage. It is yet unconfirmed but believed that Oprah's asshole may be an accomplice in this as well."
SWAT Officer 1,Got the walkie-talkie you asked for.
Mingie,"Put it underneath me.  Slowly, mate, slowly!  Now back off.  All right, Gary, squeeze the walkie button.  This is Oprah's minge!"
Lt. Nelson,"Hellow, I'm Lieutenant Nelson. What are your demands?"
Mingie,"I want a chopper, and a jet waiting at the airport to take us to France! Plus we need some fresh knickers right away."
Lt. Nelson,"All right, how about fresh underwear for one hostage."
Mingie,"I'm not playing games with you, mate! Gary's drownin' in his own sick!"
Lt. Nelson,"All right, we'll work on it. Don't do anything foolish.  We don't have any time; this is the most unstable vagina I've ever talked to."
SWAT Officer 2,"O'Reilly, you got a shot?"
O'Reilly,I got it.
Lt. Nelson,Not with those hostages so close! It's too risky!
Gary,"Oh just put down the gun, Mingie. Maybe they'll go easy on us."
Mingie,"Don't be stupid, Gary. I've got a policeman. They'll fry me, lock you up for life."
Gary,"Aw Mingie, I'm soo scared."
Mingie,"We're gonna get out of here, mate. Just leave it to me."
SWAT Officer 3,"Oprah's vagina, this is your last warning! Put down the gun!"
Mingie,"If that chopper isn't here in two minutes, I'm killin' a hostage!"
Towelie,Hey wait a minute.  Pssst!
Mingie,I mean it! Hostages are gonna start dyin' if you don't listen!
SWAT Officer 4,Hostages are clear!
Lt. Nelson,"All right, that's it. Take it out!"
Oprah,AAAAaaah!
Mingie,"What the? Haha! You missed me, you stewpid buggers! You see that Gary? They can't even aim!"
Gary,Min...  Mingie.
Mingie,"Gary, what's, what's wrong?"
Gary,"They got me, Mingie."
Mingie,No... Oh no!
Gary,"Aye. They got me bad. Oh, the blood."
Mingie,"Try to hang on, Gary!"
Gary,"Ih... It's gettin' dark, Minge."
Mingie,Oh Gary! What have I gotten ya into?
Gary,I've seen muh life flash before me eyes. Mingie!
Mingie,"I'm 'ere, Gary!"
Gary,"Where... where are we, Mingie? Are we in Paris?"
Mingie,"Yeah. Yeah, we're in Paris, mate."
Gary,Ahhh... Is it as wonderful as I 'oped?
Mingie,"Ih, it's beautiful. We've finally made it!"
Gary,"Tell me what you see, Mingie."
Mingie,"Well, there's the... Eiffel Tower right in front of us. The Louvre, right over there behind ya. And f-fresh baguettes all around."
Gary,"Ahhh... I can smell them, Mingie. At least I got to see Paris before I-"
Mingie,"Gary? Gary, say somethin'.  You killed him, you bastards! He didn't even want any part in this! This is all your fault, you stupid cow! You never gave your ol' Gary the time of day and now he's gone! Life ain't worth livin' any more! What's the use?! ...I'm comin' to see you, Gary!  I'm comin' to see ya!"
Oprah,No! Don't!
Lt. Nelson,Oprah's going to be okay. Wish I could say the same for her vagina and asshole.
Detective,That's a great idea you had to sneak the hostages inside the bank.
Man 7,"Yeah, it sure was. We're sorry we tried to burn you and murder you before."
Towelie,"Aw, that's okay. This whole thing was my fault. I learned that I shouldn't get high to come up with ideas. I should come up with ideas and then get high, to reward myself."
Joint,Youuu said it.
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, students, we have a very special guest speaker today. Who can tell me the name of our country's last vice-president?"
Kyle,Dick Cheney?
Mr. Mackey,"No, the last one."
Butters,Bill Clinton.
Mr. Mackey,"No, Clinton's vice-president.  He is here today to talk to you students about some very serious issues. Please welcome Al Gore."
Stan,Who?
Al Gore,"Thank you, Mr. Mackey, students of South Park Elementary.. I'm here to educate you about the single biggest threat to our planet. You see, there is something out there which threatens our very existence and may be the end of the human race as we know it. I'm talking of course about...  ManBearPig."
Kyle,ManBearPig?
Al Gore,"It is a creature which roams the earth alone. It is half man, half bear, and half pig. Some people say that ManBearPig isn't real. Well, I'm here to tell you know, ManBearPig is very real, and he most certainly exists. I'm serial. ManBearPig doesn't care who you are or what you've done. ManBearPig simply wants to get you! I'm super-serial.  But have no fear, because I am here to save you! And someday, when the world is rid of ManBearPig, everyone will say ""Thank you, Al Gore. You're super awesome."" The end."
Mr. Mackey,"Uhhh, ohhhkay, thank you Mr. Gore."
Al Gore,"Thank you, class. Excelsior!"
Cartman,"Check out this sweet move.  Kyle, you can't block like that."
Kyle,"Just play the game, fatass!"
Stan,"Pass it to me, Cartman?"
Cartman,"Hang on. I'm going to do something killer.  God damnit, stop it, Kyle!"
Cartman,"All right, check it out. This is a total Kobe Bryant I'm about to do."
Kyle,"Just take a shot or pass the ball, asshole! It's getting late!"
Cartman,"Let's just see who gets the ball this time, Jewboy!  Kyle, knock it off!"
Stan,"Cartman, stop hogging the goddamned ball!"
Beast,"FOOD!  Don't worry, it's not really ManBearPig. It's me, Al Gore."
Kyle,We know.
Cartman,"Dude, what are you doing?"
Al Gore,"I'm spreading ManBearPig awareness. Here, each of you kids take a pamphlet and a bumper sticker.   I hope now you boys see that this is totally serial. The next time, it could be the ""real"" ManBearPig. Can I just get you to sign the awareness sheet? Just your name and phone number and where you first heard about ManBearPig?"
Randy,"Uhh, Stan?"
Stan,"Oh, hey Dad."
Al Gore,Hello.
Randy,"It's ah, getting late, boys. Why don't you get in the car and I'll drive you all home?"
Kyle,"Okay, Mr. Marsh."
Al Gore,Be safe.
Randy,"Boys, I don't want you hanging out with that ex vice-president anymore, okay?"
Stan,"Aw, he's all right, Dad. He was just trying to warn us about ManBearPig."
Randy,ManBearPig?
Kyle,He's half man and half bearpig
Cartman,"No, dude, he's half man and half bear and half pig."
Kyle,That doesn't make any sense.
Stan,"He could be half bear, half manpig."
Randy,"Boys, there's no such thing as a ManBearPig. The vice president is just desperate for attention."
Stan,"But I feel kind of bad for him, Dad. I don't think he has any friends."
Stan,Hello?
Al Gore,"Hello, this is Al Gore."
Stan,Oh man... Hi Mr. Gore.
Al Gore,I was the vice president.
Stan,I know.
Al Gore,Can you and your friends make it to an emergency ManBearPig meeting tomorrow morning? I have some evidence he could be in this area.
Stan,"Eh look, I'm sorry but, we're all kind of busy."
Al Gore,Oh. I get it. You don't believe me either.
Stan,"No, no, it's not that."
Al Gore,Yes it is. Nobody believes me!  I'm trying to warn everybody and nobody takes me serial!  I just want somebody in the world to take me serial just for once.
Stan,"Ih it's okay, Mr. Gore, I, I believe you."
Al Gore,No you don't.
Stan,"Yeah, I'm sure ManBearPig needs to be stopped. I'm just... I'm just scared that I can't do anything to stop him."
Al Gore,Are you serial?
Stan,"...Yes, I'm serial."
Al Gore,Don't worry! We CAN stop him! Bring everyone you can to my ManBearPig meeting tomorrow at 8 a.m. sharp!
Cartman,"Dude, why are we going to hang out with this guy?"
Kenny,"(Yeah, I don't get it.)"
Stan,"Come on, you guys, Al Gore doesn't have any friends. We'll just make an appearance at his little meeting and then we'll go."
Al Gore,"Hi kids! Come on in!  Okay, let's get this meeting started. What do you kids think we should do to stop ManBearPig?"
Stan,"Yyeah, you know, Mr. Gore, uh, my dad's a geologist, and he said that ManBearPig probably isn't in Colorado."
Al Gore,What does your dad look like?? Does he have large hooves where his feet should be??
Stan,NO.
Al Gore,"Damn. For a minute there, I thought we found him."
Stan,"Well, this was a great meeting. Wasn't it, guys? But, we gotta get goin' to school now."
Al Gore,Oh my God!  ManBearPig screen active! What is this area of Colorado! It's a it's a cave of some kind!
Kyle,"Yeah, that's Cave of the Winds. It's a tourist attraction."
Al Gore,"Oh Jesus on ice skates, we've gotta get down there right away."
Cartman,"Ah I don't think so, dude."
Kyle,"Yeah, we've got school anyway."
Al Gore,I can get you all excused from school.
Cartman,You... have that kind of power?
Al Gore,Look! You boys have a chance to help me find and kill ManBearPig once and for all! I'm totally serial!
Tour Guide,"Hello everyone, welcome to Cave of the Winds. Our tour is gonna take us to two chambers in one of the most elaborate cavern systems in Colorado.  Before we get started I do understand we have a special guest in our group today: the ex vice president, Mr. Al Gore.  Mr. Gore asked me to make sure you all knew he was here. Now, once we enter the cave we do ask you that you follow two rules: stay on the path and do not touch anything. Aright, are we ready?"
Group,Yeah.
Tour Guide,Let's go cavin'.
Tour Guide,Here we are in the main chamber of the cave; it was discovered in 1892 and first used as a hideout for smugglers of the Old West.
Al Gore,Have you noticed high deposits of sulfur or a salmon-like odor coming from the caves lately?
Tour Guide,"Ahh, no.  Now, as you can see, the cave is filled with stalagmites and stalactites. Water drips from the cave's..."
Al Gore,"All right, kids, I need you to keep an eye out for ManBearPig droppings."
Kyle,What do ManBearPig droppings look like?
Al Gore,"Similar to pig droppings, but more manbearlike."
Tour Guide,"These rocks often make interesting shapes which we like to name. For instance, this one here we named ""The Hanging Mushroom.""  And over here we have ""Man With Helmet and Two Bowling Balls.""  And finally, of course, the ""Two Sisters.""  Now the cave itself is millions of years old and has a constant temperature of 57 degrees."
Al Gore,Groan! Groan!
Tour Guide,Sir? Mr. Gore? Is there a problem?
Al Gore,Not yet.
Tour Guide,"All right, everyone, if you'll step this way, you'll see how the cave gets its name."
Al Gore,"Kids! Kids, over here! Look."
Kyle,What?
Al Gore,I bet this is where he's hiding.  This looks like ManBearPig Central. Come on!  Come on! This is where ManBearPig is! I'm serial!
Tour Guide,"In certain areas of the cave, the wind actually blows through, causing a sound you can hear."
Group,Wow...
Woman,"Take a picture of the sound, Steven."
Stan,"Mr. Gore, I I think we should stay with the tour group."
Al Gore,"Wait! Shhh.  Christ! He's here! Take this rope!  Be ready to tie him up!  I've got you now, you son of a bitch!"
Kyle,What are you doing?!
Stan,Oh no!
Al Gore,No!
The Boys,Aaaah!
Al Gore,"Leave them alone, you Goddamned ManBearPig!"
The Boys,Help!
Al Gore,Damn you ManBearPig! They're just children!
Tour Guide,"O-kay, everyone, out of the cave. Now!  Go! Go! Go out, now!"
Kyle,Hello?
Stan,Help!
Kyle,We're trapped in here!
Cartman,Somebody get us some help down hyah!
Kyle,"Hello, help!"
Cartman,Hello??
Kenny,(Hello!)
Stan,Help!
Kyle,Forget it! They can't hear us!
Kenny,(What are we gonna do??)
Cartman,"You'd better get us out of here, asshole!"
Stan,Me??
Cartman,You just had to go and be nice to Al Gore! Now we're trapped in a cave!
Stan,Maybe there's another way out of here.
Kenny,"(Oh, no kidding.)"
Kyle,"A-all right, let's split up and look for a passageway. E-everyone take a different direction.  Oh man, we're in big trouble here."
Cartman,This is... bullcrap! If I'm thin- I'm gonna be so... pissed off!  Goddammit!
Kyle,"You see anything, Kenny??"
Kenny,"(No, nothing!)"
Kyle,"Cartman?? Cartman, you see anything??"
Cartman,"No, nothing  No, nothing here! Nothing this way!  Tr... treasure."
Kyle,"Cartman, you okay??  You need help??"
Cartman,I'm fine! This way is just a... dead end! Coming back to you now!
Kyle,It looks like we're completely sealed in.
Kenny,"(Yeah, No shit.)"
Stan,"There's a small passageway about 200 yards over there, but... it goes for a long long way and it's pretty steep."
Kyle,Maybe we should go for it.
Cartman,"You guys go on ahead. I'm gonna... stay here, wait it out."
Kyle,Why?
Cartman,"I just... I I don't feel very good. I'll just wa-, I'll just weigh you guys down."
Stan,Cartman's right. First rule of survival is stay put and wait to be rescued.
Cartman,"No, it's okay. You guys go on ahead."
Kyle,"No, we'll stay here too. If we start wandering off, we're gonna get lost or killed. Let's just wait here and hope help comes soon."
Cartman,That's cool. I just... I just wouldn't go over there  if I were you guys. I just took a huge dump.
Kyle,"Aw, dude!"
Miner 1,The cave-in was massive. It has cut off all access in or out. The children are believe to be trapped somewhere in this area.
Miner 2,Does anybody know who these kids are?
Miner 1,"No, nobody seems to knew them. Only that they were in the tour group. Digging to them is going to take days."
Al Gore,"Excuse me, Excuse me. This cave-in was no accident, and it isn't going to stop unless we move fast! I am super... duper... serial!"
Miner 1,What do you mean? The cave-in is over.
Al Gore,I'm afraid you have a much bigger problem than a cave-in.
Miner 1,What's that?
Fireman,"What is that, a pigbearman?"
Al Gore,"No, stupid! It's ManBearPig!"
Stan,I'm sooo hungry. Do you think people even know we're here?
Kyle,"They saw us on the tour.  Dude, where do you keep going, Cartman?"
Cartman,"I just... n-need to keep taking a crap. I got diarrhea, really bad."
Kyle,"Dude, it's bad enough we have to sit here without you taking a crap every ten minutes!"
Stan,Let's just try to sleep. Maybe help will come tomorrow.
Cartman,"All that treasure.  It's all mine!  So long as these greedy assholes don't find out about it!  You would all just looove to get your hands on my treasure, wouldn't you?! Even though I found it, you'd love to think it's somehow yours, too! God, I hate you guys!  Especially you, you money-grubbing snake in the grass!  Well I have news for you, Kyle! You're never going to get my treasure. I've got a little plan going, to get the treasure out of here without you ever knowing."
Kyle,C-Cartman?
Cartman,Oh. Hey Kyle. How's it goin'?
Kyle,"Dude, what are you doing?"
Cartman,"Not much. You know, just hangin' out. How've you been, man? Good?"
Kyle,"Dude, get away from me!"
Cartman,"Yeah. It's nice talking with you, Kyle. See you around."
Al Gore,Why won't anybody listen to me?! ManBearPig is in there and we have to kill him while we all have the chance. I'm serial!
Miner 3,"Mr. Gore, please, we need you to calm down. Now, w-what exactly do you suggest we do?"
Al Gore,"I told you we need to fill the cave with hot molten lead, 'cause it's the only way to make sure ManBearPig never comes out! And I'm sane and I'm totally serial, but everyone just keeps digging!"
Miner 3,"Well, see, the problem is that if we fill the caves with hot molten lead, it will kill those boys too."
Al Gore,They're already dead! Didn't you listen to me?? They got attacked by a ManBearPig and ManBearPig leaves nobody alive! I'm super serial! Nobody will listen to me but I'm serial!
Police Officer,Do you want me to get the ex vice president out of here?
Miner 2,"Naw, I f- I feel kind of bad for him. I don't think he has any friends."
Cartman,All right. Gotta be strong.  There's still a lot more treasure to go.
Stan,"Dude, he's really sick."
HBC Reporter,"It's been three days since four unidentified children were trapped in a cave-in. Three days without food and time is certainly running out. The digging continues, but progress is fatally slow."
Miner 1,"All right, people, we've gotta work faster! Our best estimate still puts us three days from reaching the area of the cave called Smuggler's Den."
Ranger,Smuggler's Den?
Tour Guide,"Ih it's a room near the end of the tour where you can get your picture taken with fake treasure. Here, see?"
Miner 1,"Based on where the boys were seen last, they're somewhere near this area! Hopefully they've followed the first rule of survival and stayed put."
Kyle,"Stan! Stan, wake up!"
Stan,Huh? What? Have they come for us?
Kyle,"No, it's Cartman. Something's really wrong with him."
Cartman,"Meh, meuh urgh.  Mbeuh."
Stan,"Oh my God.  Cartman? Dude, can you hear me?"
Cartman,I'm fahn. Just a lit-  No big deal.  Beh.
Kyle,"We can't wait here any longer! Dude, we've gotta get him out of here or he's gonna die."
Stan,"How, dude? We c- we don't even know if that passage I found goes anywhere."
Kyle,Maybe we should get out first. See if we can find a way out and then come back for him.
Cartman,"NO DON'T! Don't leave me here, you assholes. Don't leave me here to die."
Kyle,Come on come on! Pull!
Stan,"Goddamnit, he's soo heavy!"
Cartman,Buh. Hurry you guys. You gotta get me out of here.
Kyle,What the hell is that??
Stan,Cartman?
Cartman,"You guys, we've got no time! You gotta get me out!!"
Al Gore,"This is the end of you, ManBearPig.  Excelsior!"
Kenny,(We're almost there!)
Stan,"I can't keep carrying him, dude! I've got no strength!"
Cartman,Yes you do!
Kyle,What the hell is that?  Oh my God.
Cartman,"No! Let me out of here! Let me out of here, you guys!"
Kyle,Ruuun!
Miner 1,That's it! Pull everyone out! There's nothing more we can do!
Fireman 2,You're calling off the rescue?
Miner 1,We didn't plan on a freak river flood. God must really want those kids dead.
Fireman 2,Well what if the children aren't dead?
Miner 1,"Look, the cavern is completely flooded. Nothing could have survived. There's nothing left alive down there."
Al Gore,"Nothing left alive...  I did it. I killed ManBearPig. I've saved the earth from certain destruction. Everyone is super-stoked on me, even if they don't know it."
Stan,"Kenny! Here, take my hand!  Hurry Kyle, the water's rising!"
Cartman,Grab my hand.
Kyle,Car... Cartman! You've gotta swim! Kick with your legs!
Cartman,I can't kick!
Kyle,Yes you can!
Cartman,I can't! Kick yourself back to safety!
Kyle,I need your help!
Cartman,"No, you just have to save me."
Stan,Kyle! No!
Al Gore,"We are gathered here to say goodbye to four kids whom we all tried to help, but, in the end, could not. But where there is loss, there is hope. For ManBearPig is no more."
Tour Guide,"Oh Jesus, here we go again."
Al Gore,"I have beaten ManBearPig, and we will never forget the names of the brave young kids who lost their lives. Kid 1, Kid 2, Kid 3, and of course, Kid 4.  I remember how Kid 1 used to laugh and play.  And how Kid 2 was always there when I needed him."
Stan,Agh.
Miner 4,Oh my God!
Miner 1,It's the kids!
Miner 4,They're alive!
Al Gore,Kids! I saved you!
Stan,"Just stay away from us, asshole! I was nice to you because I felt sorry for you, because you don't have any friends! But now I see WHY you don't have any friends! You just used ManBearPig as a way to get attention for yourself because you're a LOSER!!"
Al Gore,Hyeah right. The man who singlehandedly killed ManBearPig is a loser.
Kyle,We need to get our friend to a hospital right away!
Cartman,"No! No I'm fine!  I just need to get home, a-and rest."
Stan,"Cartman, seriously, you need to see a doctor."
Cartman,Noo! I just need to get to a toilet. See you guys. I...  habbeh... HABBEHHHHHHHHHH!
Kyle,"Dude, did Cartman just crap treasure?"
Cartman,"It's mine! It's mine, you hear me?! I got it out of the cave; it belongs to me! Keep your greedy hands away!"
Tour Guide 2,"Hey, that looks like the fake treasure from our Smuggler's Den photo room."
Cartman,"That's right, and I...  Fake treasure?"
Tour Guide 2,"Yeah, we put it there for kids to take their picture with. All in all, I'd say that treasure is worth about fourteen dollars."
Cartman,Noo... NOOO!!  NOO! OW!
Kyle,You made us pull you to safety because you ate treasure?! You son of a bitch!
Cartman,"Don't you think I'm hurting enough, Kyle?! Ah, ow!!  Dowww!"
Al Gore,"Well, my work here is done. I've killed MBP, and now I must save the world from something else. Maybe I'll make a movie. A movie starring me. Then people will take me super-serial."
Cartman,Eh!
Mr. Mackey,"Mrs. Cartman, we have had it with your son's behavior, mkay?! Little Billy Turner is now being treated at the hospital!"
Liane,"Eric, why would you do such a thing?"
Cartman,I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to the school flagpole.
Mr. Mackey,You know that's not the point!
Cartman,"Okay, I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to a flagpole and then gave him a hacksaw. And then told him I had poisoned his lunch milk and that the only way he could get to the antidote in time would be to saw through his leg."
Liane,"That's very naughty, Eric."
Cartman,Well he called me chubby!
Mr. Mackey,"We have tried at this school to make Eric understand that there are boundaries, mkay?! But frankly, we believe his behavioral problems start at home!"
Liane,I know. I know he's out of control. But... you don't know what it's like.  I'm sorry. It's just that... he seems to get worse every day.  He just never listens.
Cartman,"Well nice goin', asshole! You made my mom cry!"
Liane,"It's not him, it's you, Eric.  I don't know what to do with you."
Cartman,Sure you do. You're a great mom.Who's got the greatest mom in the world?I dooo.My mom is number one in my heart.It's true!
Liane and Eric,"My mom's the best mom, better than your mom.It's singing together in harmony."
Mr. Mackey,"Mrs. Cartman, I know this is extremely difficult but, there is help out there for people like you. Have you ever heard of a show called Nanny 911?"
Announcer,They're every parent's worst nightmare.
Girl,Shut up! I hate you! I hate you!
Announcer,Kids completely out of control.
Boy,"Look, I'm skating, I'm skating!"
Announcer,"It's time to call Nanny 911.  We've gathered a team of world-class nannies to help families in crisis.  Parents of America, help is on the way!  Tonight..."
Cartman,"Mom, I need another energy drink!"
Announcer,This eight year old son of a single parent just won't behave.
Cartman,Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!!
Announcer,And Nanny Stella is selected to set him straight.
Stella,It's time for Nanny Stella to show Eric Cartman his ways are not going to be tolerated anymore!
Cartman,"Mom, are you deaf?! Somebody's at the door!"
Liane,"Yes. I think it's the nanny, boopsiekins."
Cartman,Killer. I'm gonna be on TV now.
Stella,Hello. I'm Nanny Stella.
Liane,"Oh, thank you so much for coming. Please come in."
Stella,And you must be Eric.
Cartman,"Mom, I want a Twinkie."
Liane,"All, all right dear."
Stella,"Hold on, Mrs. Cartman. There are going to be some rule changes around here, Eric. First of all, no video games until chores are done."
Cartman,Ha! Hahahahahaha
Stella,I'm serious. Let's put down the video game and go to the kitchen.
Cartman,"No thanks, I'd rather naught."
Stella,Right. Then I'm going to have to take it.
Cartman,The hell do you think you're doing?
Stella,"Come on.  This video game is going right here on the counter until we've done some chores. Now, first thing we're going to do is make your bed.  Eric, no! This is not acceptable!"
Cartman,"Stop trying to bogart my Xbox, you fat bitch!"
Stella,"All right, that's it!  You're going to time-out!"
Cartman,Time out?
Stella,"Whenever you are naughty, Eric, you are going to sit on this stool for five minutes."
Cartman,And what exactly keeps me on the stool?
Stella,It's the time-out stool. You can't get down until the time is up.
Cartman,"Whoa, how did I do that?"
Stella,"Eric, you have to stay in time-out!"
Cartman,"Ummm, no?"
Stella,"Come on, you don't have a choice."
Cartman,"All right, seriously, you're starting to piss me off now."
Stella,"Eric, you need to listen to me.  This is very important. I am getting down to eye level with Eric so that I can talk to him on his level.  Eric, you need to understand why you are being punished. All right?"
Cartman,I'm just gonna get down as soon as you move.
Stella,"Well then, I'll just have to stand right here!  Oh!  He spit in my mouth!"
Liane,"Yeah, it's best to avoid his level."
Stella,All right! I've dealt with this before! We just need to use psychology on him!
Cartman,Don't stop believing. Hold on to that feeling.
Stella,"Eric, can I just talk to you for a quick second? Why are you so angry?"
Cartman,Because you took my Xbox.
Stella,Is this about more than your video game? Are you feeling angry at me because you think I'm here to change your life?
Cartman,"Well, yeah."
Stella,And you're feeling like I have no right to come in and tell you how to live.
Cartman,Yeah. I guess so.
Stella,"See this? You have to take the time to talk to your children about their feelings. What else are you feeling, Eric?"
Cartman,"Well, I'm feeling confused, because I don't understand why you became a nanny."
Stella,"Me? Well, it's because I love children, like you."
Cartman,"Right, but... if you love children so much, how come you're not a mommy?"
Stella,"Oh, I just never had kids."
Cartman,Why not?
Stella,It... just... didn't happen.
Cartman,"You're sterile, is that it?  No, that's too convenient of an excuse. The truth is, nobody ever wanted to have babies with you. Isn't that it?  Always the mom's maid and never the mom? Must be hard on you, knowing that the years are ticking away, your friends all getting married and all the while your uterus is slowly shriveling away, drying up, becoming totally worthless."
Stella,"Why you, you...  you little bastard! How dare you?!"
Liane,"Eric, naughty."
Stella,What kind of  monster would-
Cartman,"Yes, let the anger come! Strike me down while you can! But it won't make your dried-up ovaries any more fertile!"
Stella,That's it!  I'm not doing this!
Liane,"Oh, but we really need some help."
Stella,Find yourself another nanny... television show!
Announcer,"Coming up next, it's Super Nanny! Where other nannies fail, Nanny Jo comes through."
Jo,This child's behavior is totally unacceptable!
Jo,"Well, there's no trial too tough for Super Nanny! In just three days' time you're going to see a new Eric Cartman."
Doctor,I'm afraid Super Nanny is in a deep state of mental psychosis.
Liane,What do you mean?
Doctor,"I mean,  she spends most of her time sobbing and eating her own excrement."
Jo,From heeell! It's from heeell!
Liane,Oh dear. I don't know what else to do about my son's behavioral problems. We've been through every nanny reality show on television.
Doctor,Well there... is... one more show you could still try.
Announcer,"When good dogs go bad, there's one man who's their best friend. Cesar Millan."
Cesar,"No dog is too much for me to handle. I rehabilitate dogs, I train people. I am the dog wheesperer."
Liane,"Please, come in."
Cesar,So tell me what are the problems you are having with the child?
Liane,"Well, he's just... out of control. I mean, he never listens to me, and he pretty much runs my life."
Cesar,So the child needs to learn that he's not the most important person in the house.
Cartman,"You can stop talkin' behind my back; I'm right here, fruitcake."
Cesar,"See I'm not looking at the child, I'm not acknowledging the child, I'm just letting the child know I'm not interested in him."
Cartman,Not interested I'm me?
Cesar,"See the child thinks your world revolves around him, because it does. Because everything he does gets a response from you."
Cartman,"Yeah, well I don't see why-"
Cesar,Tsst.
Cartman,Hey!
Cesar,"Don't look at the child; just keep looking at me. Let, let him know we are having a conversation."
Cartman,"Mom, this guy doesn't-"
Cesar,Tsst.
Cartman,Ah! Quit it!
Liane,What what is it that you're doing?
Cesar,"Dogs show their dominance by nipping each other on the neck, but it works equally well on a child. I just use two fingers, nip at the child's neck, doesn't hurt the child, just let him know I am dominant."
Cartman,"Look, Mexican, if you really think that you can-"
Cesar,Tsst.
Cartman,KNOCK IT OFF!
Cesar,"Tsst. See, I'm not validating his bad behavior with either negative or positive response."
Liane,"Oh, that's very interesting."
Cesar,I think the first thing we need to work on is getting the child some exercise. He's fat and he has all this pent-up energy that-
Cartman,I'm not fat!
Cesar,Tsst. -we need to let him burn off. Do you take walks with your son?
Liane,"Well, no, I don't."
Cesar,"Go on, take your son for a walk."
Cartman,"Ey! You think this is funny, you sonofabitch?"
Cesar,"See once again, I am the one going for a walk. It's about me, the child is lucky to come along."
Cartman,"Mom, this is degrading!"
Cesar,Tsst.
Cartman,Agh! Goddamnit! Aaarrgh!
Cesar,"Don't look at him, just look straight ahead and he'll run out of evergy soon."
Cartman,Maaaa. Mommm.  Mommm.
Cesar,"Here, why don't you try it now? Take your son."
Cartman,"Mom, seriously, people are seeing me!"
Cesar,"Good. Just keep your confidence, shoulders back, eyes straight ahead. The child can pick up on that confidence, learning he's supposed to follow you, not lead you."
Cartman,"Mom, don't you love me? Can't you see I'm unhappy right now?"
Liane,Tsst.
Cartman,Mom!
Cesar,"Good, Ms. Cartman. Very good!"
Announcer,"And now, back to the Dog Whisperer."
Cesar,It is important to understand that dogs run in packs. And one dog is always dominant: the pack leader.
Cartman,God dammit stop ignoring me!
Cesar,You must assert yourself as pack leader with dominant energy.
Liane,Ahall right.
Cartman,"This is abuse! I am a child, and I am entitled to attention!"
Liane,Tsst.
Cartman,"Quit it, mom!"
Liane,It doesn't seem to work as well when I do it.
Cesar,"Okay, let me show you how to express the dominant energy. What I have done is I have brought over some Kentucky Fried Chicken."
Cartman,"Ooo, Colonel?"
Cesar,"I am going to eat first, because that is what the pack leader does."
Cartman,"Give, give me the chicken. G-give me some chicken."
Cesar,Tsst.
Cartman,"Eh, what are you doing? I want chicken! Give me some Goddamned chicken!"
Cesar,I am not going to acknowledge the child's attempt at aggressive dominant behavior. Now you eat the chicken.
Cartman,"Mom, gimme, give me some chicken; I want some chicken, Mom!"
Cesar,We won't reward him until he's in a calm submissive behavior.
Cartman,"Goddammit, I am not a dog!  Give me the chicken. Give, give, give me the chicken. I want the chicken! Chicken!  Give me the chicken! Give me the chicken! Give me the chicken! Give me the chicken!"
Cesar,We need him to become relaxed and submissive.
Cartman,"Gih-  Okay, I'm fine. I'm cool now. May I have some chicken please?"
Liane,"Oh, very good, sweetie."
Cesar,"Oh no, now he's lying. You can tell from his stance he's still aggressive-dominant."
Cartman,"Suck my asshole, taco vendor!"
Cesar,See?
Cartman,"Goddamnit, you can't stand here and eat KFC in front of me!  Now hand it over!"
Cesar,Tsst.
Cartman,"You can't do that to me, I-"
Cesar,Tsst.
Cartman,"Goddamnit, you just can't-"
Cesar,Tsst.
Cartman,Seriously! Ey? Eh...
Cesar,I am not being aggressive; I am being dominant.
Liane,"Wow, I have a lot to learn."
Cartman,"Mom, I am serious! This has gone on long enough! Get that guy out of here and give me a piece of chicken!  That's how you want it, bitch?! Fine!  I hate you! I'm running away!"
Liane,Oh dear.
Cesar,"It's okay, this is all part of the dominance struggle."
Liane,But what if he does run away.
Cesar,Let him go. He'll be back. This a good opportunity for you to relax and enjoy your favorite hobby.
Butters,"Oh boy, Park Avenue! I'm rich!"
Cartman,"Hey guys, I've got some pretty big news.  I ran away from home. Yeah, my mom just... doesn't care about me anymore, so I moved out. She didn't even try to stop me. It's gonna be tough livin' on my own. But I'll get by, somehow."
Stan,You can't stay here.
Cartman,Maybe you didn't hear me! I ran away! I don't have anywhere to sleep! I'm out on the street!
Kyle,You'er not staying at my house either.
Cartman,"All right, that's fine! Butters, I'll crash with you."
Butters,"No, my parents won't let me bring homeless people home anymore."
Cartman,"Well what do you guys expect me to do?! Stay at Kenny's house?!  His family's totally poor; I'm not staying with poor people!  All right, I'll stay with Kenny. Let's go, man."
Kenny,(Fuck you.)
Cartman,"Och! Well, I guess now we see just how supportive friends can be! When the chips are down you won't even lend a hand! I'll just go sleep on the street somewhere!  Out in the cold! Probably get mugged and gang-raped by some minorities! You guys'll be sorry when I turn up dead!"
Butters,Whoopie! G and R Railroad!
Cartman,"Hey Jimmy. You're not gonna believe this, but... I ran away from home. I just... I really need the support of my best friend right now."
Jimmy,Who is your best friend?
Cartman,"You are, Jimmy! We've always been best friends. We know everything about each other."
Jimmy,What's my last name?
Cartman,"Goddammit!  Craig, dude, I ran away from home. You're the first person I came to. I knew you'd take me in off the streets."
Craig,...But I hate you.
Cartman,...Should that really matter at a time like this?
Cartman,This is bullcrap! Mom'll break soon. I can outlast her.
Cartman,"All right, I'm back."
Liane,"Oh Eric, I'm so happy you're home."
Cartman,"Yes, well, hopefully you've learned your lesson! I've come back, but there's going to be some changes around here."
Liane,"Look what I did, Eric. I learned how to make Sumie paintings. I had almost forgotten how artistic I was."
Cartman,That's super-interesting. But I've been out living in the streets for almost four hours! Make me something to eat.
Liane,Cesar...
Cesar,How is the painting going?
Cartman,"Aw, Goddammit!"
Cesar,Oh look it came back.
Liane,"Yup, just like you said he would."
Cartman,What is he still doing here?!
Liane,He said he's hungry. What should I do?
Cesar,Well let's feed it.
Cartman,"What the hell is this?! Skinless chicken, boiled vegetables and salad?! This is just like Auschwitz!"
Cesar,This is more aggressive-dominant behavior. Don't nurture it.
Cartman,Oh my God. Bite-size Snickers? That's it. I'm calling child-protective services!
Cesar,"Come on, Ms. Cartman, you must become pack leader. What do you do?"
Liane,"Eric, if you don't want to eat then, why don't you go brush your teeth and go to bed?!"
Cesar,"Nooo, you're asking him a favor. Don't ask a favor, dominate!"
Cartman,"Mom, I want this guy OUT of here! You got it? If he's not gone, in two minutes, I will call social services on you!"
Cesar,"You project the dominant energy and he will pick up on it. I promise. Shoulder back, head high, don't reason with it, don't argue with it, just dominate it."
Cartman,"I am your son, and you will listen to me! You have no right to-"
Liane,Tsst.
Cartman,"Mon, know it off! I'm not gonna stand for th-"
Liane,Tsst.
Cartman,Seriously! Mom-
Liane,Tsst.
Cartman,Seriusly! Why are you... doing this-?
Liane,Tsst.
Cartman,Mom?!
Liane,Tsst.
Cartman,Mom? Mom...
Liane,I did it!
Cesar,"You see? You're calm, assertive, and in control."
Liane,Oh... Oh my gosh!
Cesar,"See? This is the behavior we've been looking for. This is a relaxed, submissive state."
Liane,He's never done this before.
Cesar,Good. Now you can reward the behavior with praise and attention.
Liane,"I love you very much, poopsiekins. You're Mommy's sunshine."
Cesar,"Now you can give him a snack.  Good, this is really good. Now try a command."
Liane,"Eric, I want you to go upstairs and brush your teeth. Then I'll be up to read you a story before bed.  Oh my goodness. I can't believe it."
Cesar,"This is a great first step, but you're gonna have to stay firm and confident. You are the pack leader now."
Liane,I am the pack leader!
Cesar,Now before you go read your son his story let's go enjoy a nice quiet cup of tea.
Liane,Sounds divine!
Cartman,Who does she think telling me to go brush my teeth?!  Jesus. What's happening to me?
Cesar,"So, how is your son doing, Ms. Cartman?"
Liane,"Oh, he's been amazing, Cesar. He got an A on his last spelling test and a B+ in history. He's losing weight and he's doing what I tell him."
Cesar,That's greeat!
Liane,The best part is I'm not letting him boss me around anymore. I could have never come out and have a nice lunch on a Saturday afternoon with a friend before.
Cesar,"Good, Ms. Cartman, sounds like you're treating your son like a son and not like a friend."
Liane,"There's just one problem: he still fights me every step of the way. I feel like he's doing what I tell him, but that inside he's still the same angry spoiled child."
Cesar,"Don't worry. When you correct the behavior, eventually you will see a change in the personality."
Liane,"Oh Cesar, I'm so happy to have you in my life."
Cartman,"Guys, listen up. I really need your help this time. I've thought about it a lot and I've decided I have to kill my mom."
Butters,Kill your mom?
Cartman,"She doesn't let me wear whatever I want anymore. Things have really gotten out of hand! My mom must die so I can have a place to live, but without her trying to run my life. She's like Hitler with all the demands she makes."
Stan,"Dude, have you lost more weight?"
Cartman,Yes! I've lost almost ten pounds now. You see what I mean?? I totally know how it felt to be a Jew in the Holocaust now! I have to kill my mom. It's my only way out.
Kyle,"Dude, don't kill your mom. That's not cool."
Cartman,"She's Hitler! Would you have killed Hitler if you had the chance?!  All right now, here's the plan. At 9:45 tonight I will sneak out of my room and leave the house, leaving the back door unlocked.  You guys come into the house at 10:30 p.m. sharp, having given me enough time to get down to Perkins to be seen by everyone there. And then all four of you go upstairs to kill my mom."
Stan,"Dude, we're not killing your mom."
Cartman,"Well I can't kill her. I'm too obvious a suspect. Now, when you reach her room, Butters will keep a lookout while Kenny opens the bedroom door, Kyle puts a pillow over my mom's head, and Stan shoots her in the face."
Stan,Where am I supposed to get a gun?
Cartman,"Well I don't know. That's your job, Stan! Do I have to think of everything here?!"
Stan,I'm not shooting anybody.
Cartman,"Okay, fine. Butters, you cover my mom's head with a pillow and Kyle can shoot her in the face."
Kyle,"NO, Cartman!"
Cartman,Oh! Well how about I do everything?! How does that sound?! I'll just do everything while you guys sit here and play video games?!  Fine! I'll do it by myself!
Cartman,"You forced me to do this! You couldn't just love me as a son.  You just had to humiliate and degrade me with your rules. I won't let you dominate my life anymore!  Goodbye, Mother."
Cartman's Conscience,Wait. Maybe I don't have the right to kill my mom.
Cartman,"No! She's my mom, I can do whatever I want with her! It's more important that I live the way I want!"
Cartman's Good Side,She isn't an object you can own. She's a human being.
Cartman,She isn't an object I can own. Sh-she's a human being.
Cartman's Bad Side,"No, she's just... out to make you suffer!"
Cartman,Ugh. Eh. Maybe all these changes are good for me. Maybe...
Cartman's Good Side,The world doesn't revolve around me?
Cartman,Maybe the world doesn't revolve around me.
Cartman's Good Side,The world doesn't revolve around me!
Cartman's Bad Side,Idiot!
Liane,"Why Eric, you made your own breakfast."
Cartman,"Yeah Mom, it's okay. It's grapefruit and lean han."
Liane,And you're studying before school?
Cartman,"Well, you told me I had to review my homework before class started."
Liane,"Oh, Eric. I'm very proud of you."
Cartman,Tha... thank you?
Liane,"I love you, sweetie."
Cartman,"'K Mom, you're embarrassing me, jeez."
Liane,Cesar. I'm so happy you're back.
Cesar,How is the child doing?
Liane,"Oh, he's amazing. I think the change in personality happened. He's doing things for himself now, and he seems to be accepting it. I've lost a best friend, but I've gained a son."
Cesar,"That's much healthier for him, and when he gets older he'll be able to be your friend too."
Liane,"You're the best, Cesar, and to show my gratitude I've got two tickets for you and me to see Madame Butterfly this Friday night."
Cesar,"Well no, my work is done. I've got to get back to Los Angeles."
Liane,Oh... But I thought we were becoming friends.
Cesar,"No, not really. You're just a client. Well, good luck to you. Gotta go."
Cartman,"I cleared up the table, Mom. I'm gonna go upstairs and make my bed now."
Liane,"Eric, how would you like to go with me to see Madame Butterfly Friday night?"
Cartman,"No, that's okay. Besides, I told Stan and Kyle we could work on our science project then."
Liane,"Well, what if I took you to Kentucky Fried Chicken afterward?  And then we'll go to Target and buy you a Mega Ranger."
Cartman,Could I... perhaps have... two Mega Rangers?
Liane,"Yes, darling. You can have whatever you want."
Cartman,"Oh, dude! I just took the biggest crap. Hey-where are you guys?"
Kyle,"We're over here, by the cart."
Cartman,"Okay, I'm back."
Stan,Dude! We've been waiting forever!
Cartman,"Well, I'm sorry, I had to take a dump!"
Kyle,"If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time, fatass!"
Cartman,"Hey, I don't need to take any lip from a frickin' girl!"
Kenny,"(I think Kyle has fake titties, hahahaha)"
Cartman,"Heheh, totally, heheh."
Kyle,"Come on, we have to finish the quest in Stonehaven."
Randy,Stan?  Stan?
Stan,"H-hang on, guys, my dad wants something."
Randy,Stan!
Stan,What?!
Randy,You've been on your computer all weekend. Shouldn't you go out and socialize with your friends?
Stan,"I am socializing, r-tard. I'm logged on to an MMORPG with people from all over the world, and getting XP with my party using TeamSpeak."
Randy,...I'm not a r-tard.
Stan,"All right, sorry guys. So where to now?"
Kyle,See where I am? It's this way.
Cartman,"Yeah, come on, let's go!  I am the mightiest dwarf in all of Azeroth!"
Kyle,"Wow, look at all these people playing right now."
Cartman,"Yeah, it's bullcrap. I'll bet half these of these people are Koreans."
Stan,Oh crap! It's that guy again!
Kyle,Who is this?
Stan,This is the guy that kept killing us after you went to bed!
Cartman,"Get out of here, asshole!"
Stan,He's a way higher level than us. It isn't fair.
Kyle,It's all right. He can't kill us unless we agree to duel.
Stan,"Oh my God, he killed Kenny!"
Kyle,You bastard!
Cartman,Don't you have better things to do than going online killing people?!  No! I don't want them to start over at the graveyard!  No!
Cartman,That sonofabitch!
Kyle,Who is that guy?
Stan,"Whoever he is, he is one tough badass."
Rep,World of Warcraft support line.
Stan,"Yeah, we bought your game, and played it online, but every time we log in, some other player comes in and kills us!"
Rep,O..ohhh that shouldn't happen. We designed the game so that players have to agree to a duel before they can kill each other.
Stan,Yeah? Well this guy does it anyway!
Cartman,He's a God damned butthole!
Rep,Really? That's odd.  More people calling in about their characters getting killed.
Co-Worker,Oh no.
Rep,"Well, we'll certainly keep a look out for that player and ban him from the network.  Better tell the guys upstairs."
President,"Fellow board members, we have a problem: somebody in the World of Warcraft is ignoring the World's rules...and is going around killing innocent players.."
Member 1,Why kill innocent players? The game is about finishing quests.
Member 2,We've got to delete him from the servers.
President,"We can't. Whoever this player is, he has played World of Warcraft so much, that he has reached a level we thought unreachable. He's actually able to kill our admins. And he grows stronger every day."
Member 3,Jesus...
Jim,I've gotta get home! My kids are playing World of Warcraft right now!
President,"Jim, your kids' characters are already dead."
Jim,No...  No...  They just started playing!
Member 2,What kind of person would do this?
President,"Only one kind. Whoever this player is, he has played World of Warcraft nearly every hour of every day for the past year and a half. Gentlemen, we are dealing with someone here who...haw absolutely no life."
Member 3,How do you kill...that which has no life?
Nelson,"Randy, you workin' on that sediment analysis?"
Randy,"Not now, Nelson. I just joined a big party of night elves and we're gonna explore the Tower of Azora together."
Nelson,Is that a computer game?
Randy,"No, r-tard, it's an MMORPG. These are real people I'm playing with. See, I'm a hunter, level 2.  I can chat with all these other people. I can even wave to this guy, see?  ""Hello.""  In the outside world, I'm a simple geologist, but in here...I am Falcorn, Defender of the Alliance. I've braved the Fargodeep mine and defeated the Bloodfish at Jarod's Landing."
Nelson,Hm. Looks like that guy just killed you.
Randy,What?? Why?? Why?!
Cartman,"My friends: as you all know, some giant butthole keeps logging onto Warcraft and killing all our characters."
Kyle,"The past...four nights we've tried to play, he shows up and kills us!"
Craig,He killed my character right in the middle of a quest!
Tweek,Mine too!
Cartman,"We've learned that the four of us can't fight him alone. But, if we all log in together!, we might have a chance."
Token,Hey yeah!
Jimmy,We can really stick it to that assm-m-muncher!
Clyde,"Are you guys dumb? We can't beat him, even with all of us. It's a waste of time."
Stan,"Ddue, we have to try."
Clyde,I've got better things to do.
Cartman,"Clyde, Clyde!  If you had a chance right now to go back in time and stop Hitler, wouldn't you do it?  I mean, I personally wouldn't stop him because I think he was awesome, but you would, right?"
Clyde,I'm just gonna stop playing.
Cartman,"When Hitler rose to power there were a lot of people who just stopped playing. You know who those people were? The French! Are you French, Clyde?"
Clyde,No.
Cartman,"Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, Clyde?"
Clyde,"All right all right, I'll do it!"
Jimmy,So what's the p-plan?
Cartman,"All right, you all login from your computers at precisely 7:30.  We will meet here, on the plains of the elven forest near Westfall. My friends, to victory!"
All,To victory!
Butters,I don't play World of Warcraft.
Cartman,"Butters, you said you were on your computer all the time!"
Butters,"Yeah, but I'm playing Hello Kitty Island Adventure."
Cartman,"Butters, go buy World of Warcraft, install it on your computer, and join the online sensation before we all murder you."
Butters,"O-oh, o-oh, a-alright. All right then."
Cartman,"All right, you guys, this is it! When the attack begins, all warriors click on defensive stance. Everyone else, wait for Craig to cast his intellect buff."
Token,Okay.
Jason,Got it.
Cartman,"The battle is sure to be long, so make sure you all have your special abilities macroed to your keyboards."
Jimmy,"All right, Eric. You can c-c-count on us."
Timmy,Timmy!
Cartman,This shall be a day for all to remember! Let us bravely charge the fields of Azeroth!  From with-
Butters,"Hey fellas!  Boy, this is neato, huh?"
Cartman,Butters? What the hell are you doing?
Butters,"I got World of Warcraft, like you said."
Cartman,"You can't be the dwarf character, Butters, I'm the dwarf."
Butters,"Well, there's only like four races to choose from-"
Cartman,"So pick another one! I'm the dwarf, you stupid asshole! Log out, create a new character, and log back in!"
Butters,I like Hello Kitty Island Adventure a lot more 'n this stuff.
Stan,"Come on, let's do this!"
Craig,"Yeah, my mom says I have to be in bed at 9:30."
Cartman,Then let's move out!
Stan,Look! There he is!
Cartman,Everyone hold!
Kyle,He's targeting us.
Cartman,"Prepare to charge! Scroll over him with your mouse cursors! And...Right-click!  What the? Oh Jesus, he summoned scorpions!"
Tweek,Aaaa!  I'm burning! Oh Jesus I'm burning!
Jimmy,Kenny's down. K-k-kenny is down.
Ike,I have poop on my pants.
Kyle,"Ike, look out!"
Cartman,"All right, Clyde, hit him with your crossbow!  Hit him now, Clyde! Clyde? Clyde!  Clyde! Clyde, you asshole!  Goddamnit we lost Clyde!"
Randy,"Hey, Stan, can I play with you guys?"
Stan,Dad??
Randy,"Yeah, I'm playing from the office."
Stan,"Dad, get off our teamspeak line!"
Token,"That's it, I'm dead!"
Stan,"That's it, screw this game!"
Cartman,"Now, leave me alone, don't do-  that, dugh  God-fucking-damnit!!!"
Member 3,Oh Jesus...Oh God no...
President,What?
Member 3,He just finished killing every single player in the Arathi Highlands.
Member 1,How many people's characters were in there?
Member 2,Over five thousand.
Member 1,"There are over seven million people who log on to World of Warcraft! Are you telling me all those people's characters are going to die, and there's nothing we can do to save them?"
President,"Yes. And it won't be long before everyone gets really really frustrated and stops playing altogether. Gentlemen, this could very well lead to the end of the World...of Warcraft."
Member 5,No! Nooooooooo!
Cartman,What the hell are you guys doing?? Don't tell me you all quit playing World of Warcraft too?!
Stan,"Dude, we're done. we're sick of getting killed all the time."
Cartman,"Guys, when things look bad, you can't just give up on the world. Of Warcraft."
Kyle,"We don't have a choice, dude. That guy killed our characters 14 times."
Cartman,"I have a solution, you guys. That guy can kill us so easily because he's a super-high level, right? What if we were super-high level too?"
Stan,We can't get to a higher level because that dude doesn't let us finish quests!
Cartman,"That's why we just need to log in and stay in the forest, killing boars."
Kyle,Boars?
Cartman,There's lots of computer-generated boars in Warcraft that die with just one blow.
Kyle,"Dude, boars are only worth two experience points apiece. Do you know how many we would have to kill to get up 30 levels?"
Cartman,"Yes.  Sixty-five million three hundred and forty thousand two hundred and eighty five. Which should take us seven weeks five days thirteen hours and twenty minutes, giving ourselves three hours a night to sleep. What do you say, guys? You can just...you can just hang outside in the sun all day tossin' a ball around,  or you can sit at your computer and do somethin' that matters."
Paul Stanley,"Live to win, 'till you die, 'till the light dies in your eyes!Live to win, take it all, just keep fighting till you fall!Day by day, kickin' all the way, I'm not cavin' inLet another round begin, live to winYeah! Live! Yeah!Win!"
Member 3,"Sir, you'd better have a look at this! Four of our subscribers...They've gone up fifty levels in three weeks."
President,My God...they must have no lives at all.
Member 3,A hope?
President,A chance.
Paul Stanley,"Llive to win, 'till you die, 'till the light dies in your eyesLive to win, take it all, just keep fighting 'till you fall&lt;p&gt;Day by day, kickin' all the way, I'm not cavin' inLet another round begin, live to winLive to winLive to winYeah, win"
Kyle,"Dude, my mouse-clicking finger hurts."
Cartman,"Keep clicking, Kyle! You can do it!"
President,The admins tell us they are four players from a small town in Colorado.
Member 1,Are they strong enough to defeat the Evil One?
Member 5,"We ran the numbers: even with their amazing rise in levels, they have a 90% mortality probability. They'd be walking in a slaughter!"
Member 1,There has to be...someway we can help them.
Member 6,What about...the Sword of a Thousand Truths?
Member 7,"Quiet, Thomas! We aren't even to speak of that sword!"
Thomas,But maybe these new players are the ones the prophecy foretold of.
Member 7,It is not an option!
Thomas,What is this sword?
President,"Long ago, when the World of Warcraft was created, one of the programmers put a sword called the Sword of a Thousand Truths into the game inventory. Apparently it could cause 120 damage per second, with an instant mana burn and an enchantment that boosts its stamina +80."
Member 7,But the sword was considered to be too powerful for anyone to possess. So it was removed from the game and stored on a one-gig flash drive.
Thomas,"But it was foretold that one day, players who could wield the sword might reveal themselves."
Member 1,Who foretold this prophecy?
President,Soltzman. He's an accountant.
President,"Behold, the Sword of a Thousand Truths.  We must get this sword to the ones who have proven they have no life. Let's just hope to Christ they don't start the battle before we can reach them."
Cartman,"All right, you guys. The Moment of Truth is here. It is time for our final battle. Everyone, log in!"
Stan,I'm in.
Kyle,Me too.
Kenny,(Me too.)
Cartman,"Everyone equip healing potions to the hotbar if you haven't already. Uh, Kyle, go ahead and cast Arcane Brilliance to raise our intelligence."
Kyle,"Hang on, I'm chaining my fire spells for max range."
Cartman,"Nice. Stan, what enchantment does your Cloak of the Tiger have?"
Stan,15 agility.
Cartman,"Give the cloak to Kenny, he needs the agility boost for bow attacks."
Stan,'K.
Kyle,"Hold on, this fight could last more than twelve hours. What if we run out of food?"
Cartman,"Don't worry, I have that covered.  Mom?"
Liane,Yes hon?
Cartman,More Hot Pockets!
Liane,"Right away, hon."
Stan,That's übercool.
Cartman,"All right, everyone ready?"
Kyle/Stan,Ready.
Cartman,Let's go get him!
Stan,"Wait, I think I see him. Yeah, yeah, he's here in Goldshire."
Cartman,"Okay, everyone open your uplifts and autolocate to Stan."
Kyle,What's the autolocate macro?
Cartman,Command-0.
Kyle,"Okay, right behind Stan."
Cartman,"Kenny, get ready to turn on true-shot aura. At that moment, I will use intimidating shout."
Stan,"Okay, he sees us...He's targeted us."
Cartman,"Okay, hit him with pyroblast, Kyle."
Kyle,Casting...there's an 8-second cast time.
Cartman,Aren't you spec'd to reduce cast time?
Kyle,"No, ah, I'm an arcane fire mage."
Cartman,Christ...
Kyle,Cast on him again.
Cartman,Everyone target scorpions.
Randy,Yes?
Member 1,We are looking for a great knight by the name of LovesToSpooge.
Randy,That's my son's character's name in Warcraft.
President,Where is he?!
Randy,Who are you?
President,"Sir, we don't have time! We just heard from our admins that your son's party is already in battle!"
Member 1,"Unless they have this sword,  your son's character is going to die!"
Randy,Nn-Oh my God!
Cartman,Kyle! Fire spell!
Kyle,Aaaa...  AH! Huh?!
Stan,"Kyle!  Kyle! Dude, what's wrong?"
Kyle,Carpal tunnel! Carpal tunnel! It's aaaah!
Stan,"Oh, Jesus, he's got it bad!"
Cartman,"Wait, we need Ben-Gay."
Stan,Hurry dude!
Cartman,I'm going as fast as I can!
Stan,"Kyle, you have to keep playing."
Kyle,I can't. Just leave me behind.
Stan,We can't do this without you now! Come on!
Randy,"Stan?! Stan!  Sharon, where is Stan?!"
Sharon,I don't know. He took his computer somewhere to play that stupid online game.
Member 1,Stupid?
Randy,Where?!
Sharon,I don't know.
Randy,"Sharon, his character is going to die if we don't get to him!"
Sharon,So what?
The three men,So what?!
President,We're too late. Without the sword the players will fail.
Member 1,"Ih if we could get to a computer, we could sign on to the World of Warcraft and give the boys the sword online."
President,I don't have a World of Warcraft account. Do you?
Member 1,"No, I have a life."
Randy,Give me the sword.
Member 1,You?
Randy,"I have a Warcraft character. I'm a newb, but I can log on and get the sword to Stan online."
Member 1,We can't trust the Sword of a Thousand Truths to a newb!
Randy,"Sounds to me like we don't have a choice! Give me the sword.  Ahhhh. Come on, we've got to get to a computer that works!"
Randy,Where's your car?
Member 1,We took a cab here!
Randy,"Damnit, mine's in the shop!  Uh hey! Eh help! Stop!  Please, it's an emergency!  Nelson! Nelson, I need to come over and use your computer! No, I d-I need to play World of Warcraft! NELSON!"
Cartman,"All right, major stone shield potions should be...Oh God, I'm going to have diarrhea again. Ohhh...Duuuh..."
Stan,"You can't go to the bathroom, you're stacking sunder armor!"
Cartman,It's okay.  Mom? Bathroom!
Liane,What hon?
Cartman,Bathroom! Bathroom!
Liane,"Oohh, that's a big boy, isn't he?"
Cartman,"All right, Kenny, drink your elixir of the mongoose. I'm now going to use mocking blow."
Randy,World of Warcraft! I need to play!
Greeter,Our demo is set up right over by the-
Randy,"Got to...sign in...character name...All right, I'm in!"
Stan,"Dude, I'm almost dead."
Cartman,"Kyle, cast arcane missile!"
Kyle,"I'm out of mana, I told you."
Stan,I've gotta heal.
Randy,Staaan!
Stan,Dad? Not now!
Randy,Stan! I've been sent here...to bring you this.  This sword can completely drain his mana.
Stan,"Dad, how did you get that?!"
Randy,"No time! Just take it! Here!  ...How, how do you hand something from one player to another?"
Stan,Bring up your inventory screen: Control-I...
Randy,Okay.
Cartman,"Stan, what the hell are you doing?!"
Stan,I got it!
Randy,Augh!
Stan,Dad!
Randy,Stan...
Stan,"Dad, no!  You killed my father."
Cartman,His shield and armor spells are down!
Kyle,Attack!
Cartman,Looks like you're about to get pwned.  Heeyeah!
Stan,Dad? Dad?
Randy,"Staaan.  I've never been able to say this before, but...I love you, son."
Stan,"I know you do, Dad."
Randy,Augh! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
Member 1,They did it!
President,Our world is saved!
Man 1,They did it! They killed him!
Man 2,They did it!
Woman,They killed him! We can come out!
Cartman,Yes!
Stan,We did it!
Cartman,Yeah!
Stan,Yeah.
Kyle,Yeah yeah.
Cartman,"All right, yay."
Kenny,(Woohoo! Oh man!)
Cartman,We did it you guys. We're totally heroes.
Kyle,That was such über pwnage
Stan,I can't believe it's all over. What do we do now?
Cartman,What do you mean? Now we can finally play the game.
Kyle,Oh yeah.
Cartman,"Okay Kenny, add Eyes of the Beast to your hotbar. Stan, check your fury talents to boost your shots."
Stan,Got it.
Mrs. Garrison,"And so, class, that is when Joe Lee countered back to Aniston and said things like-  Oh hello, Mr. Mackey."
Mr. Mackey,"All the girls go out in the hall please? I need to speak with the boys of this class, m'kay?  Boys, we have a very serious problem! I've just come from the men's restroom, and somebody went number 2 in the urinal!"
Butters,What's a urinal?
Stan,A wall toilet for peeing in.
Mr. Mackey,"And some jokester took a poop in it! Okay? Now I want whoever did it to come forward right now, and it will be less painful for everybody! M'kay?!"
Jimmy,Who would take a d-dump in a urinal? It's such a s-senseless crime.
Cartman,"Mr. Mackey, I think you might want to entertain that this is some kind of conspiracy, just like 9/11."
Kyle,"Oh God, here we go again! 9/11 was not a conspiracy, fatass!"
Cartman,"Oh really?! Do you just believe everything you're told, Kyle?"
Mr. Mackey,"Excuse me!! Could we get back to the issue, please?! You all don't seem to understand how serious this is!! Now who made dookie in the urinal?!  Oh, you think it's funny, huh?! M'kay! M'kay! You're gonna think it's real funny when the police get here!"
Officer 1,"I'm sorry, Mr. Mackey, but there just isn't really any evidence to go on."
Mr. Mackey,But there must have been some motive. Nobody would just dook in the urinal for no reason.
Officer 1,But who would benefit from crapping in the urinal? Uh this is too big a mystery for me. I think we'd better call in the Hardly Boys.
Narrator,The Hardly Boys. Two young whippersnappers with a knack for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys in:  The Mystery of the Urinal Turd.
Officer 1,"So, that's it, Hardly Boys, we've got no leads and nobody admitting to the crime."
Frank,That sure is a mystery.
Joe,"Yeah, it sounds super-hard."
Frank,Whoever did it must have been angry with the school. Oh... Oooo... I think I'm getting a clue.
Joe,F-really?
Frank,"Yeah, this is totally giving me a clue right now."
Joe,Oh... I'm starting to get a clue too.
Frank,My clue is kind of pointing this way.
Joe,"Ohhgh. Yeah, now I've got a total clue."
Frank,I've still got a raging clue.
Joe,My clue's pointing over there now!
Frank,"Oh, let's follow that clue!"
Stan,Did they find out who crapped in the urinal yet?
Kyle,Not yet.
Cartman,"They aren't going to find out who did it. But they'll make up a scapegoat, send him to detention, and make us all believe it. It'll be 9/11 all over again."
Kyle,Will you shut up about 9/11!
Cartman,"Kyle, why are you so afraid of the truth?!"
Kyle,Because anybody who thinks 9/11 was a conspiracy is a retard!
Cartman,Oh really? Well did you know that over one-fourth of people in America think that 9/11 was a conspiracy? Are you saying that one-fourth of Americans are retards?
Kyle,Yes. I'm saying one-fourth of Americans are retards.
Stan,"Yeah, at least one-fourth."
Kyle,"Let's take a test sample: There's four of us, you're a retard, that's one-fourth."
Cartman,"...There are soo many people who know the truth, Kyle. Uh Butters!"
Butters,"Hey, fellas!"
Cartman,"Butters, do you think 9/11 was just a plot by some angry terrorists, or do you think there was some kind of coverup?"
Butters,"Well, I heard that 9/11 was caused by President Bush."
Cartman,Aha! Do you see?
Kyle,Where did you hear that?
Butters,From Eric.
Cartman,I rest my case.
Kyle,"Butters, you don't really believe that, do you?"
Butters,"Well, l-uh, I mean, uh, you never know. Uh, the government does some pretty spooky things. The government and the corporations headed by the Jews that tear down 9/11."
Cartman,"That's right, Butters."
Kyle,"Goddamnit, you see what happens when you spread this stupid crap, fatass?"
Cartman,What? People see the truth?
Butters,Can I go now?
Cartman,You guys are blind! I can't believe that everyone here is just buying into what they're told by the media!  I'm gonna go find out the truth. I'm gonna blow the lid off this whooole 9/11 conspiracy once and for all!
Kyle,Oh no...
Cartman,"It is wrong for me to ask questions?Is it wrong to seek the truth?I just can't blindly accept their version.I can't base my logic on proof.Almost all the evidence points one way,But I'm like Charlie Sheen and Gloria Estefan:I need to know what really happenedOn 9/11-leven-leven-leven-leven.What really happenedOn 9/11?Of course. It's so obvious. How did we not see it before?"
Leroy,This is my frog.  He doesn't have a name. He's a frog not a toad because toads don't ribbit. I think frogs are good pets.
Mrs. Garrison,"Okay, thank you, Leroy, thanks for sharing your dumb little frog with the class. Okay, anybody else have anything for Show and Tell?"
Cartman,"Uh! Erh, eh. Uhhh!"
Mrs. Garrison,"All right, Eric, you can go next."
Cartman,For Show and Tell today I have brought...  ...my shocking Powerpoint report on the truth!..  behind the 9/11 attacks!
Kyle,Oh Christ...
Cartman,"We are told to believe that the fire from the jet fuel melted the steel framing of the towers,  which led to their collapse. But did you know jet fuel doesn't burn at a high enough temperature to melt steel?  We were told the Pentagon was hit by a hijacked plane as well,  but now look at this photo of the Pentagon. The hole is not nearly big enough. And if a plane hit it, where is the rest of the plane?"
Clyde,Whoa...
Cartman,"So now, the inevitable question: if terrorists didn't cause 9/11, who did?  Remember that there are in fact two towers. Two minus one is one; one one - 11; two minus one is one; one one, and there are nine members on Silverstein's board of directors. That's nine-one-one. Nine-eleven. And take 2 - 1 + 9/11 and you get 12, which leads us all to the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks. . Kyle!"
Kyle,Me??!
Cartman,"Twelve contains the numbers one and two, just like the toilet yesterday where somebody went number two instead of number one! And one and two with 911 and you get 914! Drop the 4 and it's 91! Exactly the score Kyle got on his spelling test twelve days after 9/11! Who has the most to gain from 9/11?! Kyle! Who was nowhere to be found the morning the towers fell?! Kyle! Who dropped the deuce in the urinal?! Kyle! But probably the most damning of all is the evidence seen in this photo of Tower 2!  When I zoomed in I saw what first appeared to be a blur,  but when I computer-enhanced it,  You almost got away with it, you sneaky butthole."
Kyle,"Hey Token.  You-you gonna watch the game tonight, Butters?"
Butters,Waaaah!
Kyle,"All right, all right, I was not responsible for 9/11!  God-damnit!"
Sheila,"Hello bubbe, how was school today?"
Kyle,Terrible.
Sheila,"Oh, come on, school isn't all that bad."
Kyle,"But, everyone thinks I was responsible for 9/11."
Sheila,Whatwhatwhaaat?!
Sheila,We have to do something! It is obvious our children are still completely confused about 9/11!
Principal Victoria,"Yes, we need to go over it again in the classroom so they understand what really happened."
Skeeter,"Well, what really happened? There's strong evidence that what we were told isn't the truth."
Other men,"Oh no, oh brother, oh God."
Mr. Adler,That's right. Did you know that there were explosions seen at the base of the towers?
Other men,"Oh no, oh God, that's so retarded."
Mr. Mackey,"Look, what-ever you believe, the fact of the matter is somebody... dropped a dookie in the school urinal, and there's still no explanation for that!"
Sheila,"Mr. Mackey, there are more important things going on here!"
Mr. Mackey,"More important?! You aren't the one, who had to walk into the boys' bathroom, okay, after having tuh, to wake up early, you know, there's no, no coffee in the teachers' lounge, and then you, you walk into the bathroom just to find a big dook laying there in the urinal! Like it's laughin' at you!"
Jimbo,He's right! The turd could have been put there to cover up 9/11!
Mr. Mackey,"No, I'm not saying they're related!"
Randy,How do we know they're not? We need to be brave enough to ask questions!
Skeeter,"It's obvious that before we go any further, we need to find out who was behind 9/11 once and for all!"
Richard,Who else could it have been?
Det. Yates,This is too big a mystery for me. I think we'd better call in the Hardly Boys.
Mr. Mackey,"Oh no, not the Goddamned-"
Narrator,The Hardly Boys. Two young whippersnappers with a knack for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys in:  The Case of the World Trade Center Conspiracy.
Det. Yates,"So that's about the long and short of it, Hardly Boys. There were two towers that stood right here,  and they're gone."
Frank,And nobody knows who's responsible?
Det. Yates,"There are theories, but, nobody's certain."
Joe,"Nnnn, who would benefit most from two buildings disappearing?"
Frank,"Ooo... oh, I just started getting a clue."
Joe,Really?
Frank,"Yeah, I'm totally getting a clue."
Joe,"Oh... Oh, that's giving me a clue. Yeah, ye-yeah, I've got a raging clue right now."
Frank,Mine's pointing to the left.
Joe,"Oh F-, oh Frank, seriously, I have such a raging clue right now, I think we'd better follow it."
Frank,"Okay, let's follow your raging clue."
Joe,Oofff.
Randy,Godspeed.
Stan,Kyle!
Kyle,Aaaah!
Stan,"Dude, do you mind telling me why CIA guys  are coming to my house and questioning me about you??"
Kyle,"I don't know, dude. It's like everyone's putting pieces together that aren't there."
Stan,Well why did you have to involve me??
Kyle,It's not my fault.
Stan,"All right, look, I've been doing a lot of research on the Web and I found an organization who says they can prove you weren't involved in 9/11."
Kyle,Really?
Stan,"Come on. We'll go out the back so they don't see you.  There's just one thing I need to know before we go: you weren't responsible for 9/11, right?"
Kyle,......Dude.
Stan,That's all I needed.
Mr. Mackey,"Now you might all think I've given up finding out who crapped in the urinal. M'kay? And maybe, maybe you think it's a victimless crime. This, is Mr. Venezuela , the school janitor. Okay?  He's the person... who has to clean up... when some trickster... drops a dook in the wrong toilet! Mr. Venezuela makes six bucks an hour at best! Okay? He's got three kids at home, he's got a car that barely works, he's gotta clean up puke with sawdust, m'kay, then he walks into the boys' room and sees a big meaty chud starin' him in the face!  So when you crapped in that urinal, m'kay, you might as well have just dropped your pants, and laid a turd right on top of Mr. Venezuela's head!  Oh, you think it's funny, huh?!"
Mrs. Garrison,Mr. Mackey!  We got him.
Mr. Mackey,Huh?
Mrs. Garrison,We caught the person that did it.
Stan,"Hi, we were hoping you can help us. My friend is being blamed for 9/11."
Man,"Aw geez. Come on in, kids.  It doesn't surprise me. More and more people are being blamed for 9/11 every day."
Kyle,They are?
Kyle,What? No no no.
Stan,"Dude, why would the government attack its own buildings?"
Kyle,...That's retarded.
Kyle,There's a lot of holes in the Theory of Evolution too; it doesn't mean it's wrong.
Kyle,Code 234
Kyle,What is it?
Kyle,Anthrax?!
Kyle,"Stan, we can't be seen with this nutjob!  Aw, aw, awww!"
Mr. Mackey,"Why, Clyde? Why did you do it?"
Clyde,I don't know.
Mr. Mackey,"You got a whole school here, Clyde! M'kay? You got over three hundred people that need to use the boys' room.  Then you decide you're gonna be a comedian, m'kay, and pinch one off in the urinal, and leave it layin' there for everyone to have to look at!  Okay okay, you think it's funny, but nobody else does! They gotta walk in that bathroom and see your rancid dook propped up against the back of the urinal like a brown rag doll!"
Principal Victoria,"Mr. Mackey, Clyde's parents are here."
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, that's good!  Let's see what your mom and dad have to say about your little poopscapade!  Come on in, please. I'm just trying to get your son to explain why... he would drop a dook in the urinal!"
Mr. Donovan,"Mr. Mackey, there's something you should know..."
Kyle,"Eh-xcuse me, there's been a misunderstanding."
Donald Rumsfeld,"Come on in, Mr. President."
Kyle,"Uh, Mr. President, my name is-"
Bush,SSHHUUDDUUPP!! You think we don't know your name?! We know everything! We control everything!  We've all worked very hard to keep our involvement in 9/11 a secret! But you just had to keep digging!
Kyle,Really?
Bush,People? You mean sheeple. We have the majority of them kept in blissful ignorance. Just one more... leak...  to fix...
Bush,"You've been a thorn in our side for too long, I'm afraid."
Bush,Too late.
Stan,JESUS CHRIST!!
Rumsfeld,Hahaha. He died like a pig.
Bush,Some pigs never learn.
Kyle,No. Way.
Stan,He was right. You DID cause 9/11.
Bush,"Yes. Quite simple to pull off, really. All I had to do was have explosives planted in the base of the towers. Then on 9/11 we pretended like four planes were being hijacked.when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania, then flew two military jets into the World Trade Center filled with more explosives, then shot down all the witnesses of Flight 93 with an F-15 after blowing up the Pentagon with a Cruise missile. It was only the world's most intricate and flawlessly-executed ever, ever."
Kyle,...Really??
Stan,Why?!
Bush,"Oldest reason in the world. Money. The towers fell and the American sheeple all waved their flags.  Finally we could invade Iraq,  and get the oil which made us all richer than before."
Rumsfeld,"Beauutiful money, hahahaha!"
Kyle,...Really??
Stan,Is the whole government in on this?
Bush,"We are all-knowing and all-powerful. Good-bye, boys."
Cheney,Dangit! I missed again!
Bush,"For Christ's sake, Cheney!"
Stan,Kyle! Run!
Bush,KILL THEM!
Mr. Mackey,"Attention students. Apparently, Clyde could not have been the one who crapped in the urinal, because Clyde had a colostomy at age 5. 'Kay? Now, whoever did this unspeakable act is still at large. The boys' bathroom is closed until further notice, 'cause one of you thought it would be a good idea... to pull down your pants... m'kay, hover your buttcheeks over the urinal... and squeeze out a chocolate hot dog... m'kay?  Oh you think that's funny, huh?!  Let me assure you, there is nothing funny... about going up to a nice, clean, unsuspectin' urinal,  'kay, droppin' your pants then... turnin' around... squattin' over that urinal, 'kay, maybe... maybe pullin' your buttcheeks apart with your hands, m'kay, and then layin' out a big fudge dragon for all the world to see.  Oh yeah, that's real funny!  I'm gonna catch this sonofabitch if it's the last thing I DO! M'kay?!"
Stan,"All right, now we have to switch over to Interbus 65. We made it dude.  We should be home in less than eighteen hours. Then we'll tell everyone what we saw."
Kyle,It just... doesn't seem right.
Stan,"Yeah, our eyes are finally open, dude. It's like waking up for the first time."
Kyle,"Yeah... but doesn't it seem like we got out of the White House pretty easily? I mean, it seems like it would be pretty hard to escape from the White House with everyone chasing you, and we just kind of... ran out."
Stan,"Well dude, maybe we're just super badass. Have you thought of that?"
Kyle,Hey!  Dude. You're alive?  Come back here!
Man 1,Hey!
Man 2,Ogh!
Kyle,Dude! What the hell is going on?!
Stan,What who said?
Kyle,"Dude, we aren't going to kill you."
Stan,Oh God!
Bearded Man,"It isn't safe here, boys. Follow me!"
Kyle,Who the fuck are you?!
Bearded Man,There's no time! come on!
Kyle,Do you mind telling us what the hell is going on??
Stan,Who are you?
Bearded Man,"I'm a detective, and I'm afraid that you kids have been double-crossed."
Kyle,You f-figured this thing all out?
Bearded Man,"Not me. My mystery-solving sons. Come on in, boys.  My boys were researching who went number two in the urinal at your school when they discovered something odd, which gave them a clue."
Frank,Gave us both a clue.
Mr. Hardly,"That clue led them to a 9/11 conspiracy group party, where they got a lot more clues."
Joe,I was getting a clue like every two minutes.
Frank,I got such a raging clue that I almost shot clue goo all over Joe.
Mr. Hardly,Those clues pointed out that all the 9/11 conspiracy theories could be disproven scientifically. And that's when Frank got his biggest clue.
Frank,It was huuuge.
Mr. Hardly,That all the 9/11 conspiracy Web sites are run by the government. The 9/11 conspiracy... is a government conspiracy.
Stan,Aw Jesus...
Kyle,Why would the government want people to believe they caused 9/11?
Mr. Hardly,"For a government to have power, they must appear to have complete control. What better way to make people fear them than to convince them they are capable of the most elaborate plan on earth?"
Bush,"That's quite enough, Hardly!  Don't believe what he says, boys; we caused 9/11.  It's all right here in these secret documents,  but you'll never get them."
Kyle,I knew it! You didn't plan 9/11 and you really didn't shoot that guy!
Bush,"Boys, you don't understand. People need to think we are all-powerful. That we control the world. If they know we weren't in charge of 9/11 then... we appear to control nothing."
Kyle,Well why don't you just tell people the truth?!
Bush,"We do that too. And most people believe the truth. But one fourth of the population is retarded. If they wanna believe we control everything with intricate plans, why not let them?"
Mr. Hardly,"Just one thing, Mr. President: How the devil did you know we were all here?"
Stan,"How come you couldn't just go home, dude? That's all we had to do!"
Kyle,Stan! What the fuck?!
Stan,It was all planned out!
Kyle,You knew this whole time? Why?
Stan,Because it was me. I'm the one who took a dump in the urinal.
Kyle,What??
Stan,The stalls were full and I didn't wanna miss recess! I didn't think it would turn into such a big deal!
Kyle,So you blamed the government?!
Mr. Hardly,"And the government was more than willing to take the blame, so long as it made them look responsible for 9/11!"
Stan,"Oh man, now everyone's gonna know. Why did the stupid Hardly Boys have to be so good at solving mysteries?"
Kyle,"So wait, wait: Stan took a dump in the urinal and he contacted the conspiracy Web site? But the conspiracy site was run by the government?"
Stan,Yuh.
Kyle,"So then, who was responsible for 9/11?"
Stan,Whattaya mean? A bunch of pissed-off Muslims.
Frank,"Yeah. What are you, retarded?"
Mr. Hardly,"Well, it looks like this mystery is solved. It's time for the culprit to finally pay!"
Mr. Mackey,"When you dook in the urinal, it's bad, m'kay!  How would you feel... if somebody came into your home, m'kay, pulled down their pants and laid a big mud monkey right on your mom's face?  Oh you think that's funny, huh?! Yeah, that's real funny!"
Cartman,"And so then, I put my finger up my butthole, right? And I walked up to Kelly Nelson, and I said, ""Do you smell lemon grass?"", and she smelled my finger and puked! Hehehehe. Oh, guys, you should have been there."
A Hall Monitor,"Eric, I have to take you to the principal's office."
Cartman,"What? I didn't do it, Kelly Nelson's a liar!"
Hall Monitor,I've been instructed to bring you to the principal's office.
Cartman,"Oh, suck my balls you ginger Jew rat hall monitor! Punkass stoolie, who the fuck do you think you are?!"
Hall Monitor,I'm just doin' my job.
Cartman,I'm juh duh duh duhhh! Do you know why you're a hallway monitor?! Because you don't have any friends! You should kill yourself! You should kill yourself!!
Principal Victoria,"Eric Cartman, report to the principal's office immediately."
Cartman,Aw Goddamnit!
Principal Victoria,"Come on in, Eric."
Cartman,"I'm sorry, Principal Victoria. I didn't mean to do it, how could I have been so foolish?"
Principal Victoria,"Eric, the reason we called you in here is because it is your turn to be the school hallway monitor."
Cartman,The hall monit- me?
Mr. Mackey,"You need to watch for bad behavior, and make sure anyone in the halls during class has a hall pass. M'kay?"
Principal Victoria,"If anyone doesn't, you have the authority to bring them to me."
Cartman,Auth- authoritah?
Mr. Mackey,"Now Eric, being the school hallway monitor is a big responsibility. M'kay? It is important that you take the job seriously, and that you don't abuse the power."
Cartman,Ahem. Me?
Cartman,"There's fear and darkness all around youThe criminals are on the runNo use in not having your hall passI'll take you to the principal 'cause I'm the DawgI am the Dawg, the big bad DawgThe Hallway Monitor!"
Car Salesman,"Hey, kid, get outta there."
Cartman,That's cool. I'm done making my video anyways.  Hall pass! Show me your hall pass!
Boy,What?
Cartman,"You know what this is? This is the mace that they use on bears, faggot! Now let me see your hall pass!"
Boy,It's right here.
Cartman,"All right, cool, brah. Go with Christ."
Boy,What? You can't just push me up against the-
Cartman,Argh!
Boy,Aah!
Cartman,"I am the Dawg, the big bad-  Oh my God!  What the fuck is this?!"
Teacher,"And so this shape with four sides is what, class?"
Cartman,"Boyarrrgh!  Ike Broflovski! You littering my hallway, brah?!"
Teacher,What are you doing?!
Cartman,"I found this in the hallway.  Apparently your student Ike has a crush on you.  You got a crush on your teacher, brah?! Keep it out of my hallway! Go with Christ. Here you go."
Teacher,I don't think that's really necessary.
Cartman,"Hey! I don't tell you how to run your class, don't tell me how to run my hallway!"
Fillmore,Ike has a crush on teacher!
Class,Ike has a crush on teacher!
Teacher,"That's enough, class!  Okay, well see you tomorrow, everybody. Ike, could you stay just a few minutes, please?  Ike, I'm very flattered, by all of your love notes, but I need to be clear. See, there've been a lot of female teachers on the news lately who have been having relationships with young male students and, people might get the wrong idea, even though... I do admire you. You are so smart and gifted. Soo mature for your age."
Ike,I don't like Mason.
Teacher,"You listen, and you really care about what I have to say. You make me feel things I've never...  felt before.   Ike, this is crazy. I'm your teacher. How can we be having these feelings for each other?  You're so mysterious, and I can't... and I can't..."
REO Speedwagon,"And I can't fight this feelin' anymoreI've forgotten what I started fightin' forAnd if I have to crawl upon the floorCome crashin' through your doorBaby, I cant fight this feelin' anymore"
Teacher,"That was unbelievable. I've never felt like such a woman before. They'll say our love is wrong, but we can't let anybody know; they'll never understand.  We were meant to be, I know it. How else could sex be that incredible?"
Ike,Ike made a nuno.
Butters,"Hey there, Mr. Wiener, whattaya know? Do ya need to tinkle tinkle?  Yes I do think so."
Cartman,Hands?! Let me see those hands!
Butters,Haaaah!
Cartman,"Where's your pass?! Show me your hall pass, brah!"
Butters,"It's, it's... I just had it!"
Cartman,I knew it!
Cartman,"Look, brah, I had to bring you in, but I don't have any hard feelin's against you all right?"
Butters,Huh?
Cartman,"Here, you need a smoke, brah?"
Butters,"Uhh, okay."
Cartman,"You've gotta give yourself over to Christ, brah."
Butters,I do.
Cartman,"Jesus is Lord. You can go one direction in life, or you just walk around the hallways without a hall pass. Or you can see the light, brah."
Sheila,"Kyle, I need you to go get your brother over at his teacher's house."
Kyle,Huh?
Sheila,"Tell his teacher I'm sorry, but I forgot he has a doctor's appointment today."
Kyle,What's he doing at his teacher's house?
Sheila,He's been going there in the afternoons for private tutoring.
Kyle,"Hello?  Excuse me. I'm here to pick up Ike?  Uh, hello? Is Ike here?  Hello?"
Teacher,OOOH!
Kyle,"Oh God!  I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to-ah, I'm looking for my brother.  Ike??  What the hell is going on??"
Teacher,"Oh, what's the use, Ike? We're caught.  Hold on, please, you don't understand."
Kyle,Really?! What's there not to understand?!
Teacher,Your brother and I... are in love.
Kyle,"He's a little young, don't you think?!"
Ike,Oh.
Teacher,"Ike is very mature for his age, and you know it!"
Ike,Ring around the rosey.
Teacher,"He makes me feel like nobody else does. He loves me and only me, and I know I'm a goddess to him. When we make love, he can give it to me HARD, or soft and gentle-"
Kyle,All right! We're getting the hell out of here!
Ike,"Nonono, nononono."
Kyle,"Ike, you can't possibly want this. We have to tell Mom."
Ike,"No, no."
Kyle,Ike?
Teacher,Is it so hard to believe that true love exists?
Kyle,This is nuts.
Kyle,"Mom, Dad, have you ever met Ike's kindergarten teacher?"
Sheila,Miss Stevenson? Yes. She's very nice.
Kyle,"Yeah. Well, she likes Ike a whole lot."
Sheila,That's great.
Kyle,"Yyeah, except maybe it's not perfectly great, because to some degree, Ike and Ms. Stevenson are having an-."
Ike,"Spider-Man! I'm safe, Mom."
Sheila,"Yes, Ike, you like Spider-Man, don't you?"
Kyle,"Mom, there might be something that you should look into about Ike staying after school all the time-"
Ike,Weohhh part ten. Mom-my I love you I love you.
Sheila,"Mommy loves you too, sweetie."
Kyle,"Would you excuse us for a second?  You just can't expect me to sit there and say nothing. No, Ike, I'm supposed to be looking out for you. So what? I wasn't going to just blurt it out, I was gonna use some tact, but you won't even let me... What? Uh uh! Stop right there, Ike!  Mom, I think maybe you should talk to Ike about love and sex!"
Sheila,"Sex? Oh bubbe, Ike is much too young."
Det. Yates,"You're so full of crap, Foley."
Foley,What? I did shoot him in the face. Twice.
Kyle,"Ex, excuse me?  My name is... Brad. And uh I need to report a crime. Anonymously."
Yates,Oh? What's the crime?
Kyle,"Well, I attend South Park Elementary, ah-and... w-one of the teachers is having sssex with a student."
Yates,"Oh my God! This is terrible!  Ya-you did the right thing telling the police, Brad. Now, who is the teacher? What's his name?"
Kyle,"Well, it isn't a guy teacher. It's a woman."
Officer 1,A woman.
Kyle,Yeah. She's having sex with a boy.
Officer 2,"Oh, but, but she's ugly, right?"
Kyle,"Well no, not really. It's the Kindergarten teacher, Miss Stevenson."
Yates,The blonde?
Kyle,Yeah.
Officer 1,Some young boy is having sex with Miss Stevenson?
Kyle,Yes.
Officer 1,Nisssse.
Yates,Nnice.
Kyle,"What?! No, you don't understand-"
Officer 1,You sure they've had sex?
Kyle,Yeah.
Officer 3,Has she performed oral sex on him?
Kyle,I think so.
Officer 3,...Nice.
Officer 1,Nisssse.
Officer 3,Nisssse.
Yates,"So wait, what, what's the crime?"
Officer 1,"The crime is, she isn't doing it with me."
Kyle,Hay! He's totally underage. She's taking advantage of him.
Yates,"You're right. We're sorry. This is serious. We need to track this student down and... give him his ""Luckiest Boy In America"" medal right away."
Kyles,Gargh!
Kyle,"Guys, can I talk to you?"
Stan,Sure dude.
Kyle,"I need you to keep quiet about this, all right?  My little brother and his tea-"
Cartman,"Brahs, it's almost class time. I need you to start clearin' the hallways aright?"
Kyle,"Not now, Cartman! I have really serious problems!"
Stan,"Dude, what's the matter?"
Kyle,The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.
Stan,...Wow.
Kenny,(Reaaly??)
Cartman,"Damn, brah, your little brother's pretty cool."
Kyle,It's not cool! Ike isn't old enough to understand.
Cartman,"What's to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around some and then stick it inside her and pee."
Kyle,"""stick it inside her and pee"""
Cartman,"Well, okay, fine. Unless you don't want to get her pregnant, then you pull it out and pee on her leg."
Stan,"Dude, I really don't see a problem."
Cartman,"Yeah, I've got bigger things to deal with."
Kyle,"You guys don't understand! His wacko teacher is like a schoolgirl! They pass notes to each other in the classroom, they have sex at her house over lunch break,  and during class they sneak out and kiss in the hallways!"
Cartman,They what??
Kyle,They sneak out during class and make out in the hallways!
Cartman,Hang on a second: making out in the hallways is strictly against school policy!
Kyle,Well they're doing it!
Cartman,"Yeah, well now it's personal! The hallways are my jurisdiction! If there's a hallway infraction going on, they're gonna have to deal with the Dawg!"
Miss Stevenson,"Okay, just continue with your macaroni pictures. Teacher has to step out for a second. Uh Ike, could you help me out, please?  Oh Ike, I just had to have a second alone with you."
Ike,I like dada better.
Miss Stevenson,"I got your love letter, and I wrote you one back. Oh, just one kiss to hold me over for the rest of class."
Cartman,Hall infraction!
Miss Stevenson,"Oh uhh, we were just heading back in."
Cartman,"You got a hall pass, brah?!"
Miss Stevenson,I don't need a hall pass. I'm a teacher.
Cartman,"Yeah? Well, where's his hall pass?!"
Miss Stevenson,"Look, just let us get back in-"
Cartman,Get down on the floor!
Miss Stevenson,We're going back inside!
Cartman,"You like bear mace, icehead?!"
Miss Stevenson,Bear mace??
Cartman,You're goin' with Christ!
Miss Stevenson,Oooooh!
Cartman,"...And that's what I got, Principal brah. These two were in the hallway making out. She had those love letters on her person."
Principal Victoria,"""Ike, I long to feel your arms around me""?? Miss Stevenson, you- you're having a relationship with this student?"
Cartman,"Yes. During classtime, without a hall pass."
Principal Victoria,This is unbelievable.
Cartman,I know. It's like a hall pass doesn't even matter to her.
Principal Victoria,"Miss Stevenson, I will need to inform the police."
Miss Stevenson,Oh God...
Cartman,"You just dealt with the Dawg, bitch!"
Yates,"Sorry we had to do this, but the lady principal insisted."
Randy,What's goin' on?
Jimbo,The kindergarten teacher is suspected of having sex with a student
Randy,With a student? But... she's a woman.
Jimbo,Yeah. I know.
Randy,But... she's hot.
Kyle,"Wow. I think I owe you one, Cartman."
Cartman,You don't owe me anything. My hallways are cleeean.
Kyle,"Ike, I didn't tell on you, you got busted by the hallway monitor.  Okay, okay. I did have something to do with it. But someday you're gonna realize it was for the best."
Ike,You are dead to me!
Kyle,What?
Ike,"I said, you're dead to me!"
Kyle,I'm dead to you?
Ike,"You're dead to me, Kyle!"
Miss Stevenson,"I'm at the police station. They say they found some evidence. I'm so scared.  Listen, I want you to know it's okay. If anybody tries to talk to you, you don't need to say anything. Just leave it to me. I know a way out of this."
Reporter,"Tom, an elementary school teacher is under arrest for allegedly having an affair... with one of her young students. The case is shocking, due mostly to the fact that the teacher... is pretty hot, Tom. If the accusations are true, then... damn! Uh, looks like the defendant and her lawyer are about to give a statement, Tom."
Miss Stevenson,"I am deeply sorry to announce that the allegations against me are true. Over the past several weeks, I have been having physical relations with one of my students."
Man 1,Nice.
Man 2,Nissse
Miss Stevenson,"I know my actions were wrong, but I cannot be fully to blame. You see, I am an alcoholic."
Officer 4,Ohhhh.
Miss Stevenson,"Yes, I'm afraid it's true."
Cartman,Oh no!
Kyle,What?
Cartman,I don't believe it. She's using the Mel Gibson defense.
Miss Stevenson,"I am a perfectly good person, but when I drink, the alcohol makes me say and do things I wouldn't normally do."
Yates,"Well, that explains it."
Officer 1,Do we still press charges?
Yates,Who are we gonna convict? Johnny Walker?
Man 3,Poor woman. She's a victim.
Randy,"Yeah, she's a hot victim."
Lawyer,My client has agreed to check herself into rehab immediately.
Print Reporter,"Good luck, ma'am. You can beat your alcoholism."
Therapist,"Alcohol is a crutch which we use to medicate ourselves; to, to cover up emotional baggage from our past. Was there ever a history of sexual abuse in your family?"
Miss Stevenson,"No, but my uncle used to ask me and my twin sister to loss and he'd take pictures."
Therapist,"Nissse.  Congratulations, Miss Stevenson."
Miss Stevenson,All better now.
Miss Stevenson,Ike.
Ike,Miss Stephenson
Miss Stevenson,"Ike, we have to get out of here! They'll never let us be together. I think... I think we should go to Milan, like we always talked about."
Ike,"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay, Mulan!"
Miss Stevenson,Get your things together. We don't have much time.
Kyle,"Ike, are you okay?  Ike?  Iiiike!"
Yates,"Are you sure you're not lying, Foley?"
Foley,"No, really! I shot both of them! They weren't even doin' nothin'!"
Sheila,"Help! Please, I need your help! That teacher, Miss Stevenson, she, she left town with my son! I got a note saying they're going to Milan!"
Yates,You're kidding!
Sheila,"No, it's true!"
Yates,"Damnit, where were all these sexed-up teachers when I was a kid?!"
Sheila,This is serious!
Officer 3,"Yeah, boys going to Milan with a beautiful older woman. Quick! Call the FBI!"
Sheila,Are you going to do nothing?!
Yates,"All right all right, we'll make a report. Jesus..."
Cartman,"There you are. What are you doing? You giving up, brah?!"
Kyle,"Dude, my brother's in Milan. There's nothing I can do."
Cartman,"No, they haven't left yet. Their flight is tomorrow morning."
Kyle,How do you know that?
Cartman,I had Beth check out their Travelocity account.
Kyle,Who's Beth?
Cartman,"Beth is my bitch. I put a whole crew together, brah. I'm gonna get that hallway-defilng slut no matter what it takes! Are you in?!"
Cartman,"I got some badass guys to help me.I only had to pay them fifteen bucks.You think you got away with not having a hall pass?You won't get away from me 'cause I'm the Dawg!I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg!Think you can get away with not having a hall pass? Think again!  How was that, Butters?"
Butters,Ehthat was pretty good.
Kyle,"Can we get going now, please?!"
Cartman,"Yep. We're all done with the video, let's move out!"
Miss Stevenson,"Ike, is that all you're gonna do is watch TV?"
Ike,I love TV. Yaaay!
Miss Stevenson,But what about me? I want to talk.
Cartman,Everyone get a good look at our fugitive! I want her taken down fast and clean!
Leeroy,"She ran away; now she got to deal with the Dawg, huh?"
Cartman,"Beth found out they have a room at the Airport Hilton. We need to search it. Here's the hotel!  Beth, tell Leeroy to pull up here!  All right, let's go! Move out!"
Bellboy,Hey! You can't leave your car there!
Cartman,"It's okay! I'm a hallway monitor!  Keep separation! Leeroy, check out our twenty!"
Receptionist,Can I help you?
Cartman,"You seen this woman, brah?  She's staying here!"
Receptionist,Who are you?
Cartman,"I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg!"
Head Concierge,I think you should leave before I call the police!
Cartman,"Beth! Bear-mace that guy!  Let's check out the rooms! Leeroy and Kyle go that way! Beth, you come with me!"
Bellboy,"We need police here, right away!"
Guest 1,Yes?
Cartman,"I'm looking for this teacher! Is she in your room, brah?!"
Guest 2,Do you mind keepin' it down?
Cartman,"Keep your mouth shut, brah!!"
Miss Stevenson,Oh no! Ike!  They're on to us!
Ike,Oh no!
Miss Stevenson,Hurry darling! We have to get out of here!
Officers,What have we got? What have we got?!
Officer 5,Who called 911?!
Receptionist,They went that way.  Look out! They have bear mace!
Leeroy,Open up! I'm with the Dawg!
Kyle,Oh crap!
Officer 6,You freeze right there!
Miss Stevenson,"Come on, darling!"
Earl,"Hey!  Uh I got 'em, Dawg. 10-4!"
Cartman,Praise Christ! Let's go!
Miss Stevenson,"Ike, run!"
Cartman,Bear mace that guy! And that guy!
Cartman,"Freeze, bitch!"
Officer 7,Freeze!
Officer 8,Hands up! Hands up!
Officer 9,Don't move! Don't move!
Cartman,It's all right! There's been a misunderstanding! I'm a hall monitor.  This fugitive is trying to avoid a hallway infraction by skipping off to Milan.
Officer 10,"Hey, that is the teacher we just got the report about."
Officer 7,"All right, Miss Stevenson, you got nowhere to go!"
Miss Stevenson,Why couldn't you just leave us alone? All we wanted was to love.
Cartman,"Get down! We can do this the easy way, or we can do it Dawg-style!"
Leeroy,"She gawt a scarf awn her heyed, huh?"
Miss Stevenson,"It's all over, Ike. Milan, the house in Tuscany. They'll never let us be together! We have to go with the backup plan."
Officer 7,"Now hold on, don't do anything foolish! We can talk about this!"
Miss Stevenson,You can't accept our love? So then we can only be together in eternity.
Kyle,"No! Ike, don't do it!"
Ike,I don deser futty bad man.
Kyle,"Ike, please. I know your first love seems like the only love, but trust me, it's not. You have so much life ahead of you."
Miss Stevenson,You who don't believe in true love don't understand.
Kyle,"Ike, you need to have a life. Have fun. Then ruin it by having a serious relationship."
Miss Stevenson,"I'm afraid you're too late.  Are you ready, my love?  Here we go! One, two, three, aaaahhh!  Ike??"
Ike,Yaaaay!
Kyle,Ike!
Cartman,"Well, looks like once again, the Dawg has prevailed. I hope you've learned, kids, that if you don't go with Christ, you could end up just like that splattered bitch down on the pavement."
Officer 8,"Hey kid, you need to get off the roof now."
Cartman,That's cool. I'm done making my video anyways.
Satan,Halloween is a night for evil. It is time for me to take what is mine.
Demon 1,"What do you plan, Lord Satan?"
Satan,"On Halloween we shall open the Gates of Hell, rise up to the earth, and we will rent out the entire W Hotel, for an awesome party, and invite a bunch of celebrities!"
Demon 2,How big a party are we talking?
Satan,"Have you seen those rich, spoiled, teenage girls who have massive Sweet 16 parties? That big."
Demon 2,"Satan, we can't possibly do-"
Satan,"SILENCE!  Halloween is about me! And I deserve a par-ty! This... shall be MY Super Sweet 16!!  Minions of Hell! The time has come for us to rise! For my Super Sweet 16 Halloween party!!  I got Bacardi, and Ghetto One to sponsor the party, and I'm calling it  Hell On Earth 2006!  But now, heed my words: in order to get in to the party, you have to RSVP and get a blue wristband. Everyone is gonna try and get into this party, so if you don't get your wristband in advance, or you're not wearing that wristband at the door, you're NOT GETTING IN!!  And NOW know this: It's a costume party, so you have to wear a costume. BUT... nobody better show up as The Crow! I'm serious. Every costume party there's like fourteen guys come dressed like the Crow 'cause they wanna look hot and hook up. It's lame! If you come dressed as the Crow, you're NOT GETTING IN to the party!!  Go now and prepare!! If you miss my party you are a looozer!!"
George Burns,"Oh boy, a Halloween party up on Earth."
Ghandi,I can't believe he got the entire W Hotel.
Princess Diana,This is going to be the best Halloween ever.
Stan,"Go ahead, Kyle, do it."
Kyle,I am doing it.
Tweek,No! Don't do it!
Cartman,"What's the big deal, Kyle? You just look in the mirror, and say the name three times."
Kyle,Biggie. Smalls... Biggie Smalls...
Cartman,"See? You're scared. Because you know if you say it a third time, he's gonna show up and shoot you in the face."
Kyle,"Fine!  Then YOU do it, you're so tough!"
Cartman,I've done it lots of times.
Kyle,Prove it!
Cartman,"Biggie Smalls... Biggie Smalls... This is dumb, you guys, let's do somethin' else."
Kyle,"You're afraid to do it, too."
Cartman,I am not!
Butters,"Then do it, if you're not yellow!"
Cartman,Biggie Smalls... Biggie Smalls...
Jimmy,Hey fellas.  You should come downstairs. Stan's mom made pa-pizza.
The other boys,"Let's go. Yeah, let's go!"
Cartman,"Oh my God. I crapped my pants.  You guys, I crapped my pants!  Heheh. You guys! You guys, check it out!"
Demon 1,"Satan, I must speak with thee."
Satan,What is it?
Demon 1,You've invited so many celebrities on Earth to your party that people in Hell can't get wristbands.
Satan,Well I have to invite celebrities or else my party won't be cool.
Demon 1,"Satan, I warn thee, do not throw this party at the cost of alienating your friends."
Satan,I'm not alienating my friends! I know they come first!
Demon 1,"I hope for your sake that's true. You've never thrown a party of this magnitude before, Satan. Be wary."
Cardinal Mahoney,"Halloween has always been a time of evil and darkness. But now it appears that Satan will literally be among us. He is bringing Hell here to Los Angeles, and from what we understand, the gathering is going to be... completely off the hook.  There's more: None of us... are invited."
Bishop 1,None?
Bishop 2,Satan mocks us.
Bishop 3,His party must be stopped.
Priest 1,"Yes, we cannot let evil take over our city, even for a night."
Priest 2,What can we do?
Resident Bishop,"Tomorrow night, after all of Satan's guests have arrived, we'll call in a complaint about how many people are there. We'll see how long Satan's party lasts... after the fire marshal shows up."
Butters,That's why I like to brush my teeth; I know they're clean and white. All the  I truly love to brush my teeth.  Biggie Smalls... Biggie Smalls...  Biggie Smalls...
Biggie Smalls,What the fuck is THIS?!
Butters,AAAAH!
Biggie Smalls,Hey!
Butters,WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Stephen,Butters! We told you to be in bed! What are you doing?!
Butters,"I summoned Biggie Smalls, the hip-hop rapper!"
Stephen,You had a nightmare! Turn around and get back in your room right now!
Butters,"But Dad, he's gonna bust a cap in my ass!"
Stephen,"Well, you wanna get shot or you wanna be grounded?!"
Butters,AAAAAAAAAAH!
Stephen,"...Honestly, why do let him watch that darn Black Entertainment Channel?"
Satan,"So I want the DJ to set up over here, and then the main dance floor area can be this whole area right here."
Male Staffer,"What about valets? Ha, how will people be arriving from Hell?"
Satan,"Oh, it's like a dimensional vortex gate thingy, they won't have cars."
Female Staffer,Buut we're probably gonna want security at the dimensional vortex gate.
Satan,I want all the servers dressed in skimpy outfits serving all the hors d'oeuvres.
Demon 1,This is getting really expensive.
Satan,"Shut up, it's Halloween! This is my night! Then at midnight, for dessert, I'm thinking over here, we bring out a huuuge chocolate fondue fountain."
Male Staffer,"Oh yeah, P Diddy had his birthday party here a couple years back and he had one of those."
Satan,"Oh, screw that, then. I don't want a fondue fountain if P Diddy had one."
Demon 1,Does it matter?!
Satan,Yes it matters! I don't wanna do it if Diddy did it!
Demon 1,How about a doughnut machine?
Satan,Did Diddy do it?
Male Staffer,Diddy did do it.
Satan,A full ice cream bar!
Male Staffer,Diddy did it.
Satan,"Damnit, what didn't Diddy do?!  Wait. I know.  Yes. It's perfect. At midnight, all the lights go down. The music stops. And then we wheel in... a Ferrari. Only it isn't a Ferrari... It's a cake. And everyone gets a piece."
Demon 1,A Ferrari cake?
Male Staffer,Diddy didn't do it.
Demon 1,"Satan, really, the logistics of getting a cake the size of a Ferrari made in time-"
Satan,"This party has to be the bomb! Don't you get it?!  When everyone sees the Ferrari cake,  they will shudder and know my greatness!"
Demon 3,"Hear me, demons! Lord Satan has demanded a Ferrari cake! Now I will take charge of Halloween, and call upon the spirits of Hell's most evil souls! Ted Bundy!  Jeffrey Dahmer!  And John Wayne Gacy!  You shall rise once again to walk the earth, for tomorrow is Halloween, and I need you... to pick up Satan's Ferrari cake, and deliver it to the W Hotel!"
Bundy,No problem.
Dahmer,We can handle it.
Demon 3,"Heed my words: Satan's entire Halloween depends on this Ferrari cake. Fail, and you will know his greatest wrath!"
Smalls,You punkass fool!
Butters,Haaaah.
Smalls,Why'd you summon me?
Butters,"P-please don't ice me, homie?"
Smalls,"You'd better have a good reason, sucka!"
Butters,I just... w-was seein' if it works.
Smalls,"Damn! Every Halloween I gots tuh deal with this shit! I'm in hell, mindin' my own business, and the next thing I know, I'm in some kid's bafroom."
Butters,"I Iii, I apologize, Mr. Smalls."
Smalls,"You don't understand, fool! I ain't missin' the party!"
Butters,W-what party?
Smalls,"I already got my wristband, see?  You've got to get me to Los Angeles!"
Butters,Uh whah well can't you just take a plane?
Smalls,"How, punk?! We don't use money in her, nigga!"
Butters,"Well damn, nigger, there's gotta be some way!"
Smalls,"This is your fault, homie! You've gots to get me to that party in L.A., or i'm gonna smoke your ass!"
Butters,Oh hamburgers!
Demon 1,"Yes. Yes, Satan. Your Halloween costume turned out perfect."
Satan,"Yeah, it's okay, but everyone thinks Zazul's schoolgirl costume is hotter."
Zazul,Ehhhhhhh.
Satan,"Zazul, switch costumes with me."
Demon 1,"Satan, Zazul worked really hard on his costume."
Satan,"Nobody can look hotter than me! It's my Super Sweet 16 Halloween party! Take it off, Zazul.  And what about my Ferrari cake?! Where's the Ferrari cake?!"
Demon 1,"Relax, it's being picked up from the bakery."
Bundy,"All right, this is the place. Now remember, you numbskulls, this Ferrari cake is really important for Satan's party, so don't louse it up!"
Dahmer,Who's lousing?
Bundy,Come 'ere.  Shut up!
Head Baker,Can I help you?
Bundy,We're here to pick up the Ferrari cake.
Head Baker,"Ohhh yes, it's just about finished. What kind of truck are we loading it up to?"
Bundy,We got that flatbed.
Head Baker,"Okay well, we're just gonna need to- GYAAAH!"
Bundy,"Gacy, you numbskull, what'd ya kill him for?!"
Gacy,I didn't mean tuh.
Bundy,Give me that!
Gacy,Oh!
Bundy,What's the matter with you?!  Take this!
Baker 2,Everything all right?  Bwa! Gaaaghaghaghagh!
Bundy,You nincompoop!
Dahmer,Ow.
Bundy,That was the baker!
Dahmer,He startled me.
Bundy,Gacy!  What'dja kill him for?!  Siddonw!
Gacy,I'm a victim of circumstance.
Bundy,"Ahh, who're you hittin'?"
Dahmer,Ohhhh...
Gacy,Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk.  Oh!
Bundy,Get outta here.  Be quiet.  You idiots! Now who's gonna help us load the Ferrari cake onto the flatbed?!
Officer,"Did your son say anything before he disappeared, Mrs. Stotch?"
Linda,He just said something about... summoning Biggie Smalls...
Cartman,Dude...
Jimmy,Du... du... dude.
Stan,Dad! Dad!
Randy,What?
Stan,"If you look in the mirror and say Biggie Smalls' name three times, he doesn't come and get you, right??"
Randy,Biggie Smalls?
Cartman,"You know, escargot, my cargo, one eighteen, sippin' on booze at the House of Blues"
Randy,"All right, boys, I know it's Halloween, but you can't summon dead rappers in the mirror."
Cartman,How do you know??
Randy,I'm a geologist!
Kyle,He's right. It's just a spook story.
Tweek,Hguh. Then how come you couldn't do it?
Kyle,"I can do it. It just got... look, it just doesn't matter, because it's not true."
Cartman,How can we be sure? How do we know Butters isn't with Biggie right now? Being tormented by him?
Butters,"I'm going going, back back, to Cali Cali. Uhh, yeah, I'm going going, back back, to Cali Cali. Uhh-"
Smalls,"Yo dawg, keep it down."
Butters,"Yo dawg, uh, can't I just go back home right after the flight so I don't get grounded?"
Smalls,"Oh no! YOU summoned my spirit, YOU're gettin' me all the way to the party! As long as I get to the party in time to party, everything'll be all right.  Hey!"
Kyle,...Smalls.
Smalls,"Oh, God-damnit!"
Stan,It does work!!
Kyle,Holy crap!!
Smalls,That's it! Now I'm pissed!
George Burns,"Hehey, everybody. Check out Hitler.  He's the ""Can you hear me now?"" guy."
Hitler,Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?
Satan,"Everyone quiet! Here he is, the man of the night, SATAN!  Get out of the way, Hitler! You're ruining my entrance! Gaau!"
Cardinal Mahoney,"Yes, hello? It this the fire department?  Wait, shh, shh, shh.  I need to make a complaint to the fire marshal.  He's what? Where?  Damn your evil heart, Satan!!"
Resident Bishop,What?
Cardinal Mahoney,"The Fire Marshal is at the party! Satan invited him!Priest:"" Satan's trickery knows no bounds! ""Cardinal Mahoney:"" That's it! One way or another, we're crashing this party! """
Satan,"This is VIP. Don't just let anybody into my VIP area, okay?"
Frank Sinatra,"Hey, Satan, you got a little problem."
Satan,What?
Frank Sinatra,Somebody showed up in a Crocodile Hunter costume. It's really offending some of the other guests.
Satan,"Oh jeez.  Hey, uh, hi, listen, dude, ya know, the whole Crocodile Hunter thing? It... it's just a little soon, you know? I mean, he just dies a few weeks ago and... it's just not supercool and you gotta leave."
Steve Irwin,"But it's me, Satan. Steve Irwin. I am the Crocodile Hunter."
Satan,"Oh... oh, but then, dude, no costume. Sorry, you gotta go."
Steve Irwin,Wait! I thought we were friends!
Satan,"Oh hey, Sinatra!"
Male Staffer,"Demonius!  Demonius, we have a problem!"
Demonius,What is it?
Male Staffer,The Ferrari cake! It isn't here!
Demonius,What?? Don't even tell me that!
Male Staffer,It was never delivered to the hotel.
Demonius,Deva! Fetch my Blackberry! That Ferrari cake must get here by midnight!
Man,Do you gentlemen need a hand?
Bundy,Gacy!  Whatcha do that foor?!
Gacy,I did it for Dahmer.
Bundy,For Dahmer?
Gacy,Yeah. He likes havin' sex with dead bodies.
Bundy,Dahmer! Stop havin' sex with them intestines!
Dahmer,What good are intestines if you can't have sex with them?
Bundy,We gotta get rid of this body before anyone sees it!  Now get those to the trashcan!  Stop eating that!
Gacy,Leave him alone!  Unh!
Bundy,"Cut it!  Come 'ere, ya."
"Dahmer, Gacy",Oh!
Dahmer,There.  Oh.  The cake!
Bundy,Oh no!
Gacy,"Mmm, Ferrari."
Bundy,What's the matter with you?! It's ruined!
Dahmer,We're gonna get it now.
A guest,"This is a really extravagant party, Satan."
Satan,"I know, but just wait till midnight. You are not gonna believe what's coming for desert!"
Black Bouncer,"Uh, these aren't the right wristbands."
A Bishop,"Uh, yes they are."
White Bouncer,"Then how come they say ""Knott's Berry Farm""?"
Cardinal Mahoney,"In the name of Christ, just let us in!"
Stan,"We're really sorry, Mr. Smalls."
Smalls,"Not as sorry as you're gonna be, if I completely miss the party!"
Ticket agent,"Here you go, flight 72 to Los Angeles boarding in 10 minutes."
Kyle,See? You can still make it for the end of the party.
Smalls,"Yeah, I'm just gonna be pissed if I miss-  What the? No! No!"
Randy,...Smalls.  No way!
Smalls,Motherfucking God-damnit!
Randy,"That's pretty cool. Hey, Hey Sharon!"
Smalls,"Cool this, sucka!"
Bundy,"All right, listen you mugs! It's now 11:30. That means we only have twenty minutes to bake a new Ferrari cake."
Dahmer,No problem! It just so happens that I went to an Italian cooking school.
Bundy,Yeah? Why'd you quit?
Dahmer,There weren't enough Italians to eat.
Gacy,Nyak nyak nyak nyak nya-eh  Nyaaa nyaaaa
Bundy,"Get over here!  All right, what's the recipe call for first?"
Dahmer,Ten thousand eggs.
Bundy,"Gacy, go get ten thousand eggs."
Gacy,You get 'em!
Bundy,Shut up!
Gacy,Nyaaaaa!
Bundy,"Oh! Ohh, wise guy, ey?"
Gacy,GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Bundy,How's that?
Dahmer,Hey! Leave him alone!
Bundy,AAA!
Dahmer,Nehhh!
Bundy,Try that again!
Dahmer,Nehhh!
Gacy,What happened??
Bundy,Shut up!
Cowboy,"He can't do it, he can't do it."
John Elway,"All right, be quiet.  Biggie Smalls... Biggie Smalls...  Oh I can't do it! I'm too freaked out."
Male Staffer,What do we do?? It's midnight. The Ferrari cake never arrived!
Zazul,This is terrible!
Demonius,It's okay! It's okay!  I found a backup! Go ahead and start the ceremony!
Zazul,Your attention please: It is now midnight! Time for Satan's special surprise.
A Guest,I wonder what this is going to be.
Satan,Just you wait.  Yes. Here it comes.
Zazul,Ladies and gentlemen: a fully edible Acura cake!
Satan,Acura?? But I wanted a Ferrari!
Demonius,We did the best we could; there was a problem.
Zazul,Acuras are really nice.
Satan,IT'S NOT THE CAR I WANTED! THE WHOLE PARTY'S RUINED!
Demonius,It doesn't matter. Your guests are having fun. They don't care.
Satan,"IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM, IT'S ALL ABOUT MEEEEEEE!!!"
Frank Sinatra,"Wow, what a jerk."
A Cowboy,"Come on, Helen. Let's just go back to hell. I'm suddenly not so hungry for Acura cake."
Satan,"Oh God, what's happened to me? I've never been this terrible before. By trying to have a party like those spoiled rich teenage girls on MTV, I've become like one of them."
Zazul,"Satan, don't be so hard on yourself. You're not as bad as they are."
Satan,"But I am. Throwing people out, making a big entrance, having these stupid pictures of me all over. Halloween is supposed to be for everyone. Everybody, I'm sorry. This party is for you. It's for all of you who make my life so special. If I don't realize that, then I'm no better than a rich American teenage girl.  Open the doors! Let everyone in, wristband or no!"
Butters,"Uhh, excuse me. uh ma'am, can I borrow that?  Biggie Smalls Biggie Smalls Biggie Smalls."
Smalls,What the-?
Butters,Thanks.
Smalls,"I am soo sick of this! Wait, I'm at the party."
Butters,"Sure, homie. I got your back, yo."
Smalls,"And it's not too late. Hey, why don't you come in with me?"
Butters,"Wull what the heck? I'm gonna get grounded anyway, might as well."
Cartman,"Come ohhhn! Come ohhhn! Oh, for the love of God, how much longer?!"
Liane,"There you are, Eric. What are you doing here?"
Cartman,I'm waiting for the new Nintendo Wii to come out.
Liane,When does it come out?
Cartman,Three weeks. Come ohhhn! C-Come ohhhn!
Liane,It's time for school
Cartman,"No Mom, you don't understand! I've been waiting for this thing to come out for months. And now, every day time is slowing down. It's like... waiting for Christmas... times a thousand."
Liane,"Eric, you're just going to have to be patient."
Cartman,Noo!! Nooo!!
Mrs. Garrison,"Principal Victoria, it is wrong!  It is wrong and I simply will not do it!  I care about my students, and I will not fill their heads with lies!  I am NOT teaching evolution in my class!!"
Principal Victoria,"Mrs. Garrison, evolution is in the school curriculum. We have to teach it."
Mrs. Garrison,Evolution is a theory! A hare-brained theory that says I'm a monkey! I am not a monkey!! I'm a woman!
Mr. Mackey,"M, m'kay. Ya-you realize evolution has been pretty much uhhh... proven."
Mrs. Garrison,"I warn you, Principal Victoria! Those students are not prepared to hear this stuff!"
Principal Victoria,"Our students want to learn, Mrs. Garrison, and they're mature enough to handle anything."
Cartman,How long until Nintendo Wii comes out now?!
Stan,It's still three weeks.
Cartman,"Oh God...  Okay, how long now?"
Kyle,Will you shut up already?!
Mrs. Garrison,"All right kids, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution."
Butters,Oh boy!
Mrs. Garrison,"Now I, for one, think evolution is a bunch of BULL CRAP. But I've been told I have to teach it anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this:  In the beginning we were all fish. Okay? Swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So Retard Fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day, a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its  mutant fish hands... and it had butt sex with a squirrel or something and made this.  retard frog squirrel, and then that had a retard baby which was a... monkey fish-frog... And then this monkey fish-frog had butt sex with that monkey, and... that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey and... that made you!  So there you go! You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish-squirrel! Congratulations!"
Cartman,HEHHH! I can't take it anymore! HAAAAAH!
Mrs. Garrison,Yeah? You see? I knew that would happen.
Cartman,Come ohhhn! C-Come ohhhn!
Clerk,"Look, kid, for the fortieth time, pacing in front of the store isn't gonna make the Wii come any faster."
Liane,"Eric, you're coming home right now!"
Cartman,Can't I just stay and... look at the sign a little longer?
Liane,It's almost bedtime. If you sleep then time'll go by faster.
Cartman,Oh God!
Cartman,Agh! That does it!! I am not waiting three weeks!!
Cartman,"You guys! You guys! You guys, you gotta help me."
Stan,"Dude you don't look so good, Cartman."
Cartman,"I can't take it anymore, you guys. The wait for Nintendo Wii is literally killing me."
Kyle,"Well there's nothing you can do, so you just have to be patient."
Cartman,No. There is something I can do.
Kenny,(What?)
Cartman,"All right, listen: you know how in space movies they put astronauts in suspender animation so that their trip seems really short, right?  I think I figured out how to do it."
Stan,Do what?
Cartman,"Freeze myself. If I freeze myself, then in three weeks, when Nintendo Wii comes out, you guys can unfreeze me. The wait will seem instantaneous to me."
Kyle,No.
Cartman,"It's simple science, Kyle."
Kyle,"You'll die, retard!"
Cartman,I'll die waiting for the Wii to come out!! Don't you see this is my only chance!!
Stan,"Dude, no way."
Kyle,"Yeah, I hate you, but I'm not going to help kill you."
Cartman,"I thought you were my friends! I guess I was wrong! After everything we've been through together, you guys won't even help me freeze myself!"
Father,"Principal Victoria, we are a devout Catholic family! Do you mind telling me why my daughter now thinks she's a retarded fish-frog?!"
Mrs. Garrsion,"I told you this would happen, didn't I?!"
Principal Victoria,"Mr. Triscotti, I wasn't aware that-"
Mr. Triscotti,"We have worked years to instill the teachings of Jesus Christ into our daughter, and in one fell swoop, you try to destroy everything we did!"
Mrs. Garrsion,I hear ya.
Principal Victoria,"Sir, if you don't wish your daughter to learn about evolution, then we can pull her out of class."
Mr. Triscotti,You most certainly will!
Daughter,"But Dad, I want to learn everything."
Mr. Triscotti,No you don't! Shut up!
Mrs. Garrsion,"Well, I told you. We should leave evolution out of the classrooms."
Principal Victoria,It has become obvious to me that you don't know enough about evolution to teach it! I'm having you replaced! Mr. Dawkins!
Mrs. Garrsion,Re-replaced??
Principal Victoria,Richard Dawkins is a world-renowned evolutionary scientist.
Mr. Dawkins,Charmed to meet you. Ms...
Mrs. Garrsion,"Shut up, faggot! Principal Victoria, I can teach my own class!"
Principal Victoria,You are to sit in class and help Mr. Dawkins with whatever he needs!
Mr. Dawkins,Over billions of years life has evolved from simple one-celled organisms into all the complex life we see around us.
Mrs. Garrison,Whatever.
Mr. Dawkins,It was changes in hereditary traits that allowed the first mammals to breath in the air.
Mrs. Garrison,Retarded fish-frogs.
Mr. Dawkins,"Ms. Garrision, I believe that's a gross over-simplification."
Mrs. Garrison,"Well, you're a faggot!  Continue."
Mr. Dawkins,"You see, children, life has the amazing ability to change, to adapt. Like changing us to the point that we walk upright."
Mrs. Garrison,So you are saying that we're all related to monkeys.
Mr. Dawkins,"Well yes, basically, we are."
Mrs. Garrison,Do you see monkeys at the zoo?! They crap in their hands and throw it at people!
Mr. Dawkins,"Ms. Garrison, this isn't theory, it is scientific fact!"
Mrs. Garrison,"What about the fact that if I believe in this crap, you're gonna go to hell?! Doesn't that bother you a little?"
Mr. Dawkins,"Actually, no. Because I'm an atheist."
Mrs. Garrison,"AHA! I've got you, you snake in the grass!! I found you out!!"
Mr. Dawkins,I never covered it up.
Mrs. Garrison,"And if I'm a monkey, then I might as well act like a monkey, huh?!"
Mr. Dawkins,What on earth are you doing??
Mrs. Garrison,"Don't ask me, I'm a fuckin' monkey!!"
Mr. Dawkins,AAAH!
Mrs. Garrison,"Principal Victoria, I was simply trying to make a point to Mr. Dawkins about the incongruity of some scientific statements."
Principal Victoria,"Mrs. Garrison, I am pulling you out of the classroom."
Mrs. Garrison,What??
Mr. Dawkins,"Principal Victoria, I really don't think that's necessary. This woman is very opinionated but, she does care about her students."
Principal Victoria,Very well. But there is to be no more throwing of feces. Understood??
Mr. Dawkins,"Ms. Garrison. Ms. Garrison, could I have a word with you, please?"
Mrs. Garrison,What?!
Mr. Dawkins,"Look, I know you think we're at war, but I want you to know I admire your passion."
Mrs. Garrison,You d-you do?
Mr. Dawkins,I've never met a woman with so much... fire
Mrs. Garrison,Well I...  I do bring down a woman's wrath now and again.
Mr. Dawkins,"So much boldness in a woman. So beautiful.  I'm sorry, I'm sure you have a husband, but I-"
Mrs. Garrison,"No! N-no! My, my husband is g-gone, dead."
Mr. Dawkins,Would you then... consider having dinner with me tonight?
Mrs. Garrison,"Well,  well, I suppose we could have a little steak or something."
Mrs. Garrison,"I've got a date! I've got a date! My first real date with a real man since my sex-change operation!  Oh boy, what'll I wear?!  Hey everybody!"
Cartman,Ey!
Liane,Whoa!
Cartman,"Close the door, I'm trying to freeze!"
Liane,"Eric, get out of there."
Cartman,"No! No, it's too soon!"
Liane,"Now Eric, this has gone far enough!  You need to learn to be patient!"
Cartman,"Butters, get your coat. We gotta go."
Butters,Go where?
Cartman,You're gonna help me freeze myself.
Butters,Okay.
Butters,"Well, how come we've gotta come all the way out here?"
Cartman,"Butters, if anyone else comes upon my frozen body, they'll try to unfreeze me right away.  I have to be hidden.  That's good.  And no matter what happens, Butters, you are not to unfreeze me until the day the Nintendo Wii comes out. Do you got it?!"
Butters,"Eric, are you sure this is a good idea?"
Cartman,"No, it's not a good idea. It's an awesome idea"
Butters,Yeah...I guess it is...
Cartman,"All right, you got the spot figured out? You're not gonna lose where I am, right?"
Butters,I got it.  Big Tree. Oval Rock.
Cartman,"All right, now get out of here. You can't freeze too, or else we're both screwed.  Get out of here, you asshole! You're gonna ruin everything!"
Butters,Oh jeez!
Cartman,Yes. Come on. Freeeze. Freeeze.
Mrs. Garrison,"So I told my gynecologist, ""you put so many things in my vagina, maybe I should charge you!"""
Mr. Dawkins,"Oh, Ms. Garrison, you are the most outspoken woman I have ever met! It's almost like you're one of the guys."
Mrs. Garrison,"Hehyeah, almost."
Mr. Dawkins,"You have so much spunk, so much life... If only you were an atheist."
Mrs. Garrison,"Well... Well, you know, I'm... I'm open to stuff."
Mr. Dawkins,Why is someone as outspoken as you given themselves over to the whole God thing?
Mrs. Garrison,"Oh I'm not... I'm not totally into the whole God thing. I just... I just think, you know, you can't disprove God."
Mr. Dawkins,Well what if I told you there was a flying spaghetti monster: Would you believe it simply because it can't be disproven?
Mrs. Garrison,"You're riiight. It's so simple! God is a spaghetti monster. Oh thank you, jeez! My eyes are opened!  Hey everyone, I'm an atheist!"
Mr. Dawkins,Really?? Oh that's wonderful!
Mrs. Garrison,"No, I totally get it now! Evolution explains everything! There is no great mystery to life, just evolution and God's a spaghetti monster! Thank you, Richard!"
Mr. Dawkins,You're so welcome!
Mrs. Garrison,Would you like tuh...  head over to my place for dessert?
Mrs. Garrison,"Oh yeah! Yeah, I'm a monkey! Give this monkey what she wants!"
Mr. Dawkins,Oh Ms. Garrison!
Mrs. Garrison,"Yeah, pound my monkey hole, Richard! Yeah, I'm a monkey all right!"
Cartman,"Nin-ten-do. I'm coming. I'm coming, Nin-ten-do."
Medic,We have a pulse.
Alien 1,Can you... understand me?
Cartman,Where am I?
Shvek,My name is Shvek. You are safe.
Cartman,"Safe where, butthole?!"
Shvek,"My friend, this is going to be a bit of a shock, but... it is the year 2546."
Cartman,What??
Shvek,"You have been frozen in ice for over 500 years.  Butters? Butters, you black asshole?!"
Medic,Please be careful. You are frail.
Cartman,Is the Wii out? Where's the Wii?
Analyst,"Ahh, Nintendo Wii. A primitive gaming device used in his time."
Cartman,"Primitive? It has motion-control controllers, asswipe!"
Medic,"Young man, you don't seem to understand.  Your family, your friends, everyone you knew, has been dead for over 500 years."
Cartman,I don't care! Is there a Nintendo Wii!
Shvek,We don't play videogames in our time. There's no such thing as a Nintendo Wii.
Cartman,No...  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Mr. Dawkins,"You must understand, children, that we are dealing with VERY large numbers here."
Mrs. Garrison,That's my man.
Mr. Dawkins,"So, evolution doesn't even happen by chance. It is, in fact, bound to happen."
Mrs. Garrison,"That's right, kids. And so you see, there is no God."
Mr. Dawkins,Careful darling. The school board doesn't like it when we-
Stan,Well there could still be a god.
Mrs. Garrison,What?!
Stan,Couldn't evolution be the answer to how and not the answer to why?
Mrs. Garrison,"Uh oh, retard alert! Retard alert, class!  Do you believe in a flying spaghetti monster too, bubblehead?!"
Stan,I wasn't talking about spaghetti.
Mrs. Garrison,"Come on, you. You're gonna have to sit in the dunce chair!"
Mr. Dawkins,"Ms. Garrison, I'm not so sure what you did in class today was right."
Mrs. Garrison,"What?? But Dick, you told me the world would be a better place without religion."
Mr. Dawkins,"Yes, but to be so bold about it...  I've just never seen a woman with such... balls."
Mrs. Garrison,"You've just been too soft on religious people in the past. Think about it, Richard. With your intellect and my balls, we can change the future of the world."
Mr. Dawkins,"Can you imagine a world with no religion? No Muslims killing Jews, no Christians bombing abortion clinics. The world would be a wonderful place... without God."
Mrs. Garrison,"You're the smartest man on earth, Dick. With me by your side, there's no stopping you."
Mr. Dawkins,"Oh, just let me see those beautiful breasts again."
Mrs. Garrison,"Oh, all right."
Mr. Dawkins,"Oh yeah, baby! Oh-hm."
Mrs. Garrison,OHOH YEAH!! AHHH!!
Butters,"Quick, General Disarray! Kill those superheroes!"
Dougie,Pehpew Pehpew!
Butters,Yes! Now the world shall feel the wrath of Professor Chaos! Hahaha!
Linda,"Butters?  Butters, you haven't seen Eric Cartman in the past few days, have you?"
Butters,"Who, me?"
Linda,"It's very importance, Butters. He's missing. You haven't seen or heard from him?"
Butters,No ma'am.
Linda,Okay.
Dougie,"Come on, Professor Chaos! Let's destroy this anthill!"
Butters,"Geh-General Disarray, can I ask you a scientific question?"
Dougie,Okay.
Butters,"Well, um, can... Can anything bad happen if you completely freeze yourself and then unfreeze yourself three weeks later?"
Dougie,...Yeah.
Butters,"Well, like what?"
Dougie,"...Like, you die."
Butters,...Die??
Dougie,"Well yeah. If you freeze your body, it means you die. When you wake up three weeks later you can be unfrozen, but you're still dead."
Butters,Oh hamburgers!!
Butters,Eric! Erihic!
Dougie,You just left him here?! Without a jacket or anything?!
Butters,He told me to!
Dougie,He's dead for sure.
Butters,Wait!  It's all different. Nothing's in the same place!
Dougie,Oh my God...
Butters,"Uh, eh, Eric! Eric!"
Dougie,Butters ButterButterBUTTERS!  We have to get out of here!
Butters,What??
Dougie,"Nobody is ever going to find his body. You've got to never say anything about this, do you understand?! He's dead, and if they know you had a hand in it, you'll go to jail!"
Butters,But I just did what he told me!
Dougie,"Come on, we have to leave!!"
Butters,Oh jumping Jesus!
Cartman,This is terrible. Five hundred years in the future.
Shvek,"Eric, I have good news for you. We may have found you a Nintendo Wii."
Cartman,What??  Really??  YES!! YES!!
Medic,It's rumored that there's one at the Museum of Technology at New New Hampshire.
Cartman,"So I'm not too late! Come on, let's go!"
Shvek,"Well, there's just... th-there's something we need from you first."
Shvek,"You see, my young friend, you were unfrozen for a reason."
Medic,Lots of people froze themselves in cryogenic labs and we don't unfreeze them. But you... are special.
Cartman,I know I'm special. This isn't news to me.
Shvek,"You lived in a time when a great event happened. A glorious event that finally made all religion obsolete. Now, the entire world is atheist."
Cartman,And this gives me a Nintendo Wii how?
Medic,We believe that somebody you knew in your time was the person who first started our wonderful group: The Unified Atheist League.
Cartman,Who?
Shvek,What in Science's name was that?!
Medic,Oh no! It's the United Atheist Alliance!
Shvek,"Oh Science, help us!"
UAA Member 1,"Science damn you, Unified Atheist League!"
Cartman,Who are they??
Shvek,The Alliance Atheists. We're at war with them.
UAL Member 1,No!
Cartman,Jesus Christ!
Shvek,"Hahahaha, you believe in a supernatural being.  Oh my Science."
Cartman,I'm just a little boy from the past who wants to play Nintendo Wii.
UAA Member 1,Put me through to the Allied Atheist Allegiance!
UAA Member 2,Onscreen.
UAA Member 1,"Look, Allied Atheist Allegiance! We have the time child!"
AAA Leader,"Science damn you, United Atheist Alliance!"
UAA Member 1,"Now you see, foolish sea otters, that we are the atheists in control!"
AAA Leader,"It won't make a difference! This is the dawning of the sea otter! Know this, time child! I shall smash your skull like a clam on my tummy!"
Cartman,What??
AAA Leader,Otters! The time has come! Sound the nafferty!
Sea Otters,The nafferty!
AAA Leader,"So, it begins!"
Narrator,"The year is 2006, and young Eric Cartman cannot wait for the new Nintendo Wii to come out. Unable to cope with the wait any longer, Eric decides to freeze himself for three weeks. But a freak avalanche makes Eric impossible to find, and so he remains frozen for 500 years."
Otter Leader,"Whoa, steady!  This way, otters!"
Otter 1,"This is it. New New Hampshire. We have risked much bringing you here, Time Child."
Cartman,"Can it. You otters may have evolved to the point you can talk, but I don't need lectures."
Otter 1,Don't let the time child out of your sight. He could try to run.
Cartman,"We have a deal, Blavius. As long as I get what I want, you have nothin' to worry abuot."
Otter Leader,Something is spooking the ostriches.
Cartman,Sure. This is Monarch land now. Probably Jarvis probes everywhere.
Otter Leader,Here it is! We have arrived.
Blavius,"Hold!  This is it, Time Child.  The old museum of technology, abandoned long ago. Let's get what you want, Time Child, and get out of here."
Cartman,Over here!  Yeah it's here! It's here! The Nintendo Wii... I've waited so long for this.
Blavius,"All right, Time Child, we've filled our side of the bargain. Now return with us to Otter Bay."
Cartman,Sorry Blavius. I've got other plans.
Blavius,NOOOO!
Otter Leader,It was a trick!
Blavius,"SCIENCE DAMN YOU, TIME CHILD!"
Cartman,I got it! I got the Wii!
UAA Leader,Time Child! You've returned!
UAA 1,We thought for sure you had died in the in the Phobart plant.
Cartman,"Yeah. Lucky for me the otters believed I was on their side.  Do me a favor: next time I'm in a recessed biocave, don't send me a level 2 homing call."
UAA Leader,"TC, wait!"
Cartman,Oh I can't wait! This is gonna be so awesome!  Get out of my way!
UAA Leader,You gained the otters' trust?! Were you wearing an information crystal?!
Cartman,Here.
UAA 1,Science be praised. This could end the war!
UAA Leader,"You've done a great thing, TC.  How can we repay you?"
Cartman,Just send a maintenance guy to my room. I want this Nintendo hooked up to my float screen NOW!
Cartman,"Come on! Come on! Dude, what is taking so long! I wanna play!"
Maintenance Guy,"Uhh, what kind of output does this have? This is some ancient Super-VHS output or somethin'. I can't connect it to your flaot screen."
Cartman,There's gotta be some way to hook it up! It's the freakin' future!
Maintenance Guy,"It may be the future for you, but I can't hook up anything to a float screen without at least a laser-7 output."
Cartman,You've gotta be shittin' me!! Science-damnit! I am so fucking sick of the future!
UAA Woman,TC? What's wrong?
Cartman,"I'll tell you what's wrong! I've been waiting 500 years to play the Nintendo Wii! And if I don't get to play real soon, I'm gonna bust a nut!"
UAA Woman,"Well, we're all glad you're back. I know somebody who's missed you very much. Come on in, K-10."
K-10,"Bark bark. Hello, Eric. I have missed you."
Cartman,"Suck my balls, K-10. I'm not in the mood."
UAA Leader,"Fellow atheists: the time child has returned with information on our sworn enemies, the Allied Atheist Alliance. They have started digging for clams in sector J7. If we mount an all-out attack, we can wipe out their food supply!"
UAA 2,"But, those are civilian otters."
UAA Leader,We cannot tolerate the otters! Their Science is flawed! Their answer to the Great Question is different from ours.
UAA 3,"Yes, but... sending out all our ships at the same time... it would leave our city exposed!"
UAA Leader,...That's why we have to be super-duper sure that nobody finds out we're doing it.
UAL 1,The United Atheist Alliance is about to send out all its defense ships to take down the Allied Atheist Allieance's clam fields.
UAL 2,"Praise Science. This is your chance, young Shvek, to avenge your father's death."
UAL 3,"Careful, son. Just because their Science leads them to a different answer to the Great Question doesn't mean we have the right to kill them all."
Shvek,No! Our answer to the Great Question is the only logical one. Our Science is great.  Let us not forget the great Richard Dawkins who finally freed the world of religion long ago.  Dawkins knew that logic and reason were the way of the future.  But it wasn't until he met his beautiful wife that he learned using logic and reason isn't enough. You have to be a dick to everyone who doesn't think like you.  Prepare all the troops! We will level the United Atheist Alliance to the ground!
Announcer,"With new Glade monvert cleaner, you can make your monvert sparkle like never before."
Woman,My monvert's never looked so clean.
Cartman,God I hate future TV. There's too many commercials!
Boy 1,Agh! I'm so bored.
Boy 2,There's nothing to do.
Cartman,Tell me about it.
Boy 3,"Hey, I know! Let's crank call people in the past!"
Boy 1,Huh?
Boy 3,I just got...  the Crank Prank Time Phone!
Singers,"Crank Prank, Crank Prank Time Phone."
Announcer,"New, from Blasbro, it's Crank Prank Time Phone!"
Boy Announcer,"I just dial a random number on the keypad, enter a date and year on the debilibrator, and..."
Boy 1,"Wow! Someone from the past is on the line!  Hello? Is there a refrigierator running? Well then, you'd better go catch it!"
Singers,"Crank Prank, Crank Prank Time Phone."
Cartman,What?
Boy 2,"Uh hi. It's the year 1973, right? Could I speak to Al Coholic, please?"
Announcer,"Crank Prank Time Phone comes with debilibrator , antimatter fusion cone, andn 30 plain HF watt triggers. Warning: Crank Prank Time Phone is for entertainment purposes only. Makng anything OTHER than crank calls to the past could affect the present and end your existence. Crank Prank Time Phone is not intended for the use by otters."
Cartman,Why didn't anyone tell me there was a time phone?!
K-10,Why does it matter? Bark bark
Cartman,"Don't you see?? If I get one of those phones, I can call myself in the past and tell me not to freeze myself.  Then I can go back into my time... and play Nintendo Wii."
K-10,Bark bark. That call is for crank calling only. Using it in the way you describe is illegal.
Cartman,I care! Where's the closest toy store??
K-10,"Working, bark bark. The Jarvanian shopping comples. But it is not open yet."
Cartman,Come on! Come on!
Voice,Store is now... open.  Welcome
Cartman,"Ugh, finally!"
Clerk,Welcome to Zeebod's Toys
Cartman,I want one of those time-phone things.
Clerk,"Ahh, the Crank Prank Time Phone. Sure. Now, I am required by the state to make sure you know this is for prank-calling the past ONLY, right?"
Cartman,"Yeah yeah, I'm only gonna prank-call people."
Clerk,"All right, that'll be 6000 credits."
Cartman,Six thousand credits?! What do I look like to you? A Thurilian miner?!
Clerk,This is a pretty advanced piece of equipment. It's expensive.
Cartman,"Look, I have to have one of those phones!"
Clerk,"Oh, all right, then I have to have 6000 credits."
K-10,"Bark bark, I'm sorry, Eric, bark bark."
Cartman,How about a robot? How much for the robot?
K-10,Awww.
Clerk,"Sorry, kid, you're just gonna have to crank-call people in the present."
Cartman,"Science-damnit!  Wait. K-10, can you access the store's sales records?"
K-10,"Working, bark bark. Access."
Cartman,I want the name and address of anybody who's bought a time phone from this guy in the past week.
K-10,"Working, bark bark."
Blavius,"The United Atheist Alliance has taken the bait! Soon they will send their ships out to destroy our decoy clam fields! And while their ships are away, the United Atheist League intends to attack them! Our plan has worked perfectly! For when the United Atheist League attacks the United Atheist Alliance, we will charge in and kill them all! Our Science, our answer to the Great Question shall prevail!"
Otters,Hail Science! Hail Science! Hail Science!
Blavius,"And I will personally kill the Time Child, and eat his entrails on my tummy!"
Man,"I'll get it, darling.  Hello? Hello?"
Boy 4,"Uh yes, hello? I'm calling for Mr. Wall?"
Man,"I;m sorry, there's no Mr. Wall here."
Boy 4,Oh. Is Mrs. Wall there?
Man,"Nno, there are no Walls here."
Boy 4,Then how does your roof stay up?
Man,"Oh, I see! Is this the Johnson boys from down the street?!"
Boy 4,"No, we're from the future."
Man,Very funny!
Boy 5,"Hi, uh, I'm a Pepper, and I'm wondering if you'd like to be a Pepper too?"
Man,God darn ya!
Boy 4,Yeah.
Boy 5,That was a great one!
Cartman,"Hello, I'm with the cubic waste department. I need to check your lowertram for inhibitors."
Boy 4,"Oh. Okay, I guess."
Cartman,"Come on in, Bob.  All right, just let me use my tools..."
Boy 5,Hey!
Cartman,Haha! Stupid assholes! I got your time phone!
Boy 4,Science H. Logic! What a jerk!
The Wise One,"Silence, otters!"
Otter 1,It's the Wise One
Otter 2,The Wise One speaks.
The Wise One,This is not the path we should be taking. Will more bloodshed end anything?
Blavius,"Wise One, our answer to the Great Question is the only one based on good science."
The Wise One,"Science, reason, is that really all there is?"
Blavius,"They are not a logical race, Wise One! They go around chopping down trees for tables, when they have perfectly good tummies to eat on. How logical is that?!"
Otter Leader,Yes!  The great Dawkins said we cannot tolerate those who don't use reason! How reasonable is it to eat off wood instead of your tummy?
The Wise One,"Well perhaps the great Dawkins wasn't so wise. Oh, he was intelligent, but, some of the most intelligent otters I've ever known were completely lacking in common sense. Maybe, some otters do need to believe in something. Who knows? Maybe, just believing in God makes God exist."
Otter Soldier,Kill the Wise One!
Otter 3,Kill the Wise One!
The Wise One,"Whoa, wait wait!"
Cartman,Oh God!  Hello?
Time Child,Hello?  Are you there?
Cartman,Who is this?
Time Child,"No, no, I have me.  All right, all right, listen! Listen to me carefully! You need to be patient!"
Cartman,What?? Who the hell is this?!
Time Child,It's me.
Cartman,Me who?!
Time Child,Me you!
Cartman,What?!
Time Child,"I'm you in the future! You have to be patient and wait for the Nintendo Wii to come out, or else you'll wake up in the future and have to deal with a bunch of see otters!"
Cartman,"Oh very funny, Kyle!"
Time Child,"It's not Kyle, it's you!"
Cartman,Yeah? Well you can go fuck yourself.
Time Child,"I'm trying to do you a favor, dumbass!! Just listen to me!"
Cartman,Listen to this!  Dickhead.
Time Child,What an asshole!
Butters,Hello?
Time Child,Butters? Butters!
Butters,Eric? Iiis that you?
Time Child,"Butters, Butters! Listen to me! Just just listen. I'm about to come over to your house and ask you to help me freeze myself. Do not... do t!"
Butters,"Eric, are you playing a joke on me again?"
Time Child,"No! This is not a joke! Whatever I say to you, Butters, no matter how hard I try, do not... do... what I tell you!"
Butters,But...  but you're here right now.
Cartman,"Butters?! Come on, we gotta go!"
Time Child,No! Don't listen to me! Tell me to go screw myself!
Butters,Huh??
Cartman,"Come on, Butters, it's gonna get dark!"
Butters,"But, yyou're telling me not to go with you."
Cartman,What??  Who the fuck is this?!
Time Child,"Aw damnit, just listen to me! If you freeze yourself, you're going to die!"
Cartman,Suck my balls!
Time Child,"No, you suck my balls!! Just listen to me for one minute!"
Cartman,"...Okay, you have one minute."
Time Child,"Right before you left for Butters' house, you drank a buncha Ovaltine and put Clyde Frog in the closet so nothing would happen to him, right?"
Cartman,Are you spying on me?!
Time Child,"No, I am you, you stupid asshole!"
Cartman,"Fuck you, asshole. You can go fuck yourself!  Come on, Butters, we're going!"
Butters,"Oh, all right then."
Time Child,God I hate that guy!!
UAA Leader,"My friends, the time has come! May Science give us the courage to do what we must! Launch all defensive ships to sector J7! Take out the otters' clam fields!"
UAL Aide,Sir! The United Atheist Alliance has sent out all their ships. Their capital is now unprotected.
UAL Leader,Then begin the attack! Science be praised.
Otter Leader,Kill the table-eaters! In the name of Almighty Science!
Kyle,Hello?
Time Child,Hello? Kyle?
Kyle,Hello?
Time Child,"Yes. Hello, Kyle. It's Eric. Uh, how's it going?"
Kyle,What do you want?!
Time Child,"Kyle, you are the smartest guy I know, so I think maybe you're the only person who can understand this. You know how earlier today I asked you to help me freeze myself?"
Kyle,"I'm not going to help you freeze yourself, Cartman! It's a stupid idea!"
Time Child,"No, see, I know it's a stupid idea. Because, I actually did freeze myself.and... you were right, Kyle. It it backfired and I was frozen for 500 years, and now I'm calling you from the future."
Kyle,... Uh huh.
Time Child,"No, really, Kyle, I'm I'm seriously. Here, talk to my robot dog."
K-10,"Bark bark. Hello, Kyle. Bark bark."
Kyle,... I'm hanging up now.
Time Child,"No, Kyle, listen! Please! I think right about now, I'm in my mom's freezer."
Kyle,"Suck my balls, fatass."
Time Child,"... I will. I will suck your balls, Kyle. Just stop me from freezing myself, and I will get down on my knees, and I will suck your balls. I'll suck 'em dry, Kyle."
Kyle,"Aw Goddamnit, now you've made me miss my ride! My whole day is screwed up because of you!"
Time Child,Kyle?  Kyle!
KIT-9,"Eric, I really think you should stop calling the past. You could change the present."
Time Child,"Well I don't notice anything different, KIT-9! Do you?"
KIT-9,"I guess not, meow meow."
Time Child,"Hm, I see...  Hey!"
KIT-9,Meow meow.
Time Child,Heeeeey!
KIT-9,Meow meow.
UAA Woman,TC! We're under attack!
Time Child,By who?!
UAA Woman,We have to get to the War Room! It's the only safe place!
UAA Leader,The United Atheist League is bombing the city! We're defenseless!
Cartman,This is terrible! I'm gonna die in the future without ever playing Nintendo Wii?!
Tactical Officer,Sir! The sea otters are advancing! They've broken through the east portal!
UAA Leader,What?! Three-way phone channel onscreen!
Shvek,What are you otters doing?! This is our attack!
Blavius,Yes. And we're attacking both of you!
UAA Leader,You fools! This will be the end of us all!
Blavius,"Then accept our answer to the Great Question, and we will withdraw."
UAA Leader,Your answer to the Great Question is illogical!
Cartman,What is the Great Question?
KIT-9,What atheists should call themselves.
Shvek,Unified Atheist League is the most logical name.
UAA Leader,&gt;Unified Atheist Allianace makes more sense.
Blavius,No! Allied Atheist Alliance! That way it has three A's! That is the logical choice!
Shvek,So be it. We cannot agree; prepare to die.
Tactical Officer,"Forward missiles launched, sir!"
Cartman,I have to get out of here! Why is everyone in my past so stupid that they think I'm crank-calling them?!
KIT-9,"But Eric, meow meow, you knew the wife of the smartest man in history."
Cartman,Who?
KIT-9,"Your teacher, the one called Garrison."
Cartman,Garrison? But he's an asshole.
Mrs. Garrison,"Oh yeah! Yeah, I'm a monkey! Give this monkey what she wants!"
Mr. Dawkins,Oh Ms. Garrison!
Mrs. Garrison,"Damnit, who the hell is calling?!"
Mr. Dawkins,"I'll thell them... to call you back... Oh... yeah...  Garrison residence. Can you call... back later, please?"
Cartman,It's an emergency! It's an emergency!
Mr. Dawkins,An emergency?
Cartman,I need to speak to Mr. Garrison right now!
Mr. Dawkins,"I'm sorry, but Mr. Garrison has passed away. Mrs. Garrison is the only person here and she's rather tied up at the moment."
Cartman,"Look asshole, this is a real emergency! Just pass the phone to whatever Garrison wants to call himself since the sex-change operation!"
Mr. Dawkins,Sex-change operation??
Mrs. Garrison,Uh oh.
Mr. Dawkins,Uuuuugh! You're a man?!
Mrs. Garrison,"Not anymore. I've been fixed.  Richard, hold on. I can explain."
Mr. Dawkins,Explain?? How can I be so stupid??
Mrs. Garrison,"Richard, come back, please!  Well go ahead and leave, you atheist faggot! Have fun mocking God in hell! You queer!"
Cartman,Mr. Garrison! Mr. Garrison!
Shvek,"All right, Eric. Are you all set to go?"
Cartman,Go... Right... Where am I going?
UAA Leader,W-we told you: we're sending you home. With the Crank and Wank Time Machine.
Blavius,"Don't worry, my son. When you return to your time you will merge with your other self. It's all very Zen."
Cartman,Wait... Isn't... everybody at war over atheism?
Shvek,Atheism? No. We've learned to get rid of all the isms in our time.
Medic,"Yes. Long ago we realized isms are great for those who are rational, but in the hands of irrational people, isms always lead to violence."
Cartman,So there is no war now in the future.
Blavius,Of course there's war. The stupid French-Chinese think they have a right to Hawaii.
All,Yeah!
UAA Leader,But now the moment has come to send you back to your time.
Shvek,"We unfroze you for a purpose, and now that purpose is fulfilled."
Cartman,And what was that purpose again?
Shvek,We explained that to you already.
Cartman,Right...
COCKA-3,"Goodbye, Eric. I will mess you. Squawk squawk"
Cartman,"I'll miss you too, COCKA-3."
UAA Leader,"So long, Eric. And tell everyone in the past for us, that no one single answer... is ever the answer."
Cartman,Noooo!  I'm back. Wow! I'm back!
Liane,"There you are, Eric."
Cartman,"Mom! Mom, they did it!"
Liane,"Eric, you have to come home. You can't just wait here for that game to come out."
Cartman,"No, I know. You're right, Mom. I need to learn to be patient. I think I can wait three weeks for Nintendo Wii to come out."
Liane,"But, honey, it's only September. That...  Nintendo Wii doesn't come out for two months."
Cartman,What? NO!  NOO!!  You sent me back too far!! HEY! Do it over!
Liane,"Who are you talking to, muffin?"
Cartman,I can't wait two months!  I can't! There has to be a way around this!
Clerk,"Hey, kid, somebody's on the phone for you."
Cartman,Hello?
Time Child,Hello? Hello? I know what you're thinking! Do not do it! You just need to be patient and wait the two months! Do you hear me?!
Cartman,"...Oh, suck my balls, Kyle!"
Editor,Being a delivery boy for the South Park Gazette is a noble privilege.
Stan,"I'm sorry, Mr. Jarvis, it's just that... I have to get up at 4 a.m. to deliver your paper and then I go to school all day."
Mr. Jarvis,"Oh waaa waaa waaa! We've all got problems, pussy! Get used to it!  You aren't delivering the papers on time!"
Stan,"My bike had a busted pedal, but I got it fixed, so there won't be a problem anymore."
Mr. Jarvis,Is that your bike out there?
Stan,Yeah. Why?
Mr. Jarvis,'Cause it's being towed.
Stan,What??
Stan,"Hey, hey! What are you doing?!"
Driver,This your bike?
Stan,Yes!
Driver,It's on the impound list. You owe the county for tickets.
Stan,"No-dude, I need my bike to do my job!"
Driver,Yeah? Well my job is to tow this bike. You want it back? You talk to the county.
Stan,"No NOO. Do NOT tow my bike!  Stop, asshole! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
Judge,Yes? Come in.
Stan,"Hi, my name is Stan Marsh. I was told to come down here and try to-"
Judge,"Yes! Come on, Mr. Marsh. I've been told all about your case. Impounded bicycle, $83 owed to the county. Maybe you should get a job."
Stan,"I got a job, but without my bike to do my paper route, I can't make the money! See?"
Judge,"Stan Marsh is a bright young man. He's got a great family, a promising paper route; only problem is,  his bike's been impounded!  But now, he's about to find out that getting his bike back isn't so easy."
Stan,"Look, I really need my bike."
Judge,"Well, I'm afraid I can't give it to you, because then you wouldn't learn anything.."
Stan,What do I have to learn?! This isn't fair!
Judge,"Whoa whoa, hold on. I've looked your case over and I think maybe we can cut a little deal here. According to your background check, when you were in kindergarten, you played on the Park County Pee Wee Hockey Team."
Stan,...Yeah?
Judge,Well it just so happens that the pee wee hockey team this year needs a coach.
Stan,Me?
Judge,"Stan Marsh is a washed-up fourth grader. He's got no job, no bicycle. And his only way out is to coach...  a pee wee hockey team!  And now, he's about to find out that to coach, you've got to grow."
Stan,"Oh boy. Uh, all right, guys, over here? Come over here.  We've got a lot of work to do and not much time to do it in."
Stan,My name is Stan and I'm your new coach. Now we just need to kind of organize a little bit and practice our-
Stan,"All right, fine, go ahead."
Stan,"S- hold it a while, okay?"
Stan,When you shoot the puck to another player.
Stan,"All right, all right, shut up! We're gonna practice! You two guys play defense, and you play goalie."
Stan,Why not?!
Stan,"What, you got asthma or something?"
Stan,What?
Stan,"Ah, it's okay. Don't cry."
Stan,"Oh Jesus, can we just practice?"
Stan,NO!
Coach,Well well well! If it isn't the Park County Losers!
Coach,"We just thought we'd come check out the ice for the game tomorrow.  Gavin Throttle, coach of the Adams County team."
Stan,Hey.
Gavin,"Look, why don't you just give up? You can't beat us. You really want to embarrass your players?"
Park County,Yeah!!
Gavin,"Fine, if that's the way you want it. See ya tomorrow, coach! Adams Team!"
Adams County,Right! Follow!
Stan,Jesus Christ.
Sharon,"Stanley, where have you been?! It's almost bedtime!"
Randy,"Your mother's been worried sick, and I've been watching TV!"
Stan,I got a new job. I'm finally gonna be able to pay off all the money I owe.
Randy,"Oh, well that's good."
Sharon,What kind of job?
Stan,I'm working with the Pee Wee Hockey League.
Randy,"...What? With the-?  What whoa wait, Stan. You gave up playing hockey a long time ago."
Stan,"I'm not playing, I'm coaching."
Randy,Have you forgotten what happened all those years ago? Or are you just trying to make up for it?
Stan,What are you talking about?
Randy,Your Pee Wee hockey game! The Pepsi Center?! In between periods of the Colorado Avalanche?
Stan,I remember going to Shakey's afterwards.
Randy,"Stan, you can't put your family through this again! Whatever your reasons are!"
Stan,I'm tired. I'm goin' to bed.
Randy,"What are we goin' to do, Sharon??"
Sharon,What?
Randy,Don't you get it? He's getting back into hockey to prove something to himself. So he can forget what happened in that Pee Wee skirmish.
Sharon,Maybe he doesn't remember. He was only 4.
Randy,"Oho, he remembers. I'm sure it eats at him every single day."
Announcer,"And we're about out of time here in another scoreless Pee Wee hockey game.  And that's # 7, Stan Marsh, skating towards the goal, sort of, but h doesn't have the puck."
Denver Goalie,I crapped 'em! Oh me I crapped 'em!
Announcer,"Oh, it appears the goalie has pooped his pants.  Oh and look at this! Little Stan Marsh actually has a shot at the goal!"
Crowd,Ohhhh!
Randy,Stan?? Shoot it!
Announcer,Time is running out. Stan Marsh with a chance to win!
Kyle,"You got it, Stan!"
Randy,Take the shot!! Take the shot!!  NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Announcer,"Ohoooo, that's the end of the game! How disappointing."
Sharon,"Randy, what's wrong??"
Randy,"OH! Ohh... Oh Sharon, it was horrible! It was like I was living it all over again."
Stan,"All right, guys. Tonight is our big game against Adams County. We still have all day to practice."
A Man,"Coach? Hey coach.  Could we talk to you, please?"
Woman,We are the Browns. Nelson's parents?
Stan,Oh
Mr. Brown,"Our little Nelson, he's... taken a turn for the worse, I'm afraid! His cancer is... real ba-a-a-ad."
Stan,Ohhh.
Mr. Brown,"Yeah. Oh. Doctors say this could be it. How am I supposed to do it, coach? How do I look a five year old child in the eye and tell him he's not gonna live?  You tell me, coach! You tell me how!!"
Mrs. Brown,"Stop it, Jack! He doesn't mean to take it out on you, coach."
Mr. Brown,"No, I don't mean to take it out on you, coach. It's just...  I don't know what to say to him, coach. Neither of us do. What do you say tuh... somebody who's dying, huh?"
Stan,... I don't know.
Mr. Brown,"Will you talk to him, coach? He looks up to you."
Stan,"No, I think you oughta."
Mr. Brown,"Nah, I'm just his father. But you're his coach! You're like a father to him."
Mrs. Brown,"Please, coach, he's...  he's counting on you!"
Mr. Brown,"Please, coach, he's counting on you!"
Stan,"Oh uh, hey Nelson."
Nelson,"Oh.  Hi, coach."
Stan,"Dude, I can come back later. Is this a bad time for you?"
Nelson,"Yeah, it's a pretty bad time for me, coach. I'm only five and I'm dying.  Coach, what's it like when you die?"
Stan,"Wugh, I'm not sure. I would... think that... it's a lot like it was before you were born?"
Nelson,How come I have to die now?
Stan,Ogh.
Nelson,"I mean, how come I don't get to grow up?"
Stan,"Goddammit, dude, I don't know."
Nelson,I'm sorry.
Stan,"No, what I mean is, nobody really knows, see? But everyone does it. I mean, it's not like everyone else gets to live and only you have to die. Everyone's gonna die. You feel better now?"
Nelson,I think so.
Stan,"Okay, great. Look, I, I gotta get to the stadium, but uh... hang in there? All right?"
Nelson,"Thanks, coach.  Will you do me just one favor, Coach? That game tonight? I'm gonna be watching, so... could you... make it so I don't have cancer?"
Stan,"No- dude, I told you I can't do that."
Nelson,"Well then, will you just... win for me?"
Stan,Okay.
Judge,"Stan Marsh has always lived a carefree life. But in the blink of an eye, what seemed important before can all be put in perspective. Stan Marsh is... ""Bummin' on Cancer."""
Announcer,"Welcome, parents, to this Pee Wee hockey match between Park County and Adams County."
Adams County,Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win!
Stan,"Coach, can I talk to you for a second?"
Gavin,"Come to surrender, coach?"
Stan,"Look, there's a kid in my team who's got cancer, and, he wants us to win this game really bad, so, could you just... give us kind of a break?"
Gavin,"HA! I don't think so, Coach. We're gonna beat you into the ground, cancer or no!  Win! Win! Win! Win!"
Adams County,Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! ...
Stan,"All right, guys, listen.  I saw Nelson in the hospital, and he asked me one thing: he said he wanted us to win this game... for him."
Stan,Relax! If we lose we're not gonna be murderers.
Gavin,"Good luck, Coach! You're gonna need it!  Yeah! Let's go Adams!"
Stan,"Let's go, Park! Come on!"
Gavin,"That's it, Brian! Kill him!"
Stan,Get near the puck!
Announcer,And that's the end of the game. The result is a tie.
Stan,"Tie? Well, what does that mean?"
Judge,"Stan Marsh was supposed to win it all. The big game. A dying boy's hope. Only problem is,  he tied!  And now, he's about to find out that tying isn't the same as winning."
Stan,Hello?
Nelson,Coach.
Stan,How are you feeling?
Nelson,"I feel pretty good, except for the cancer.  Coach? Does God hate me?"
Dr. Doctor,"Oh, hello Coach."
Stan,"Uh, hi Doc. How's he doing?"
Dr. Doctor,"Well, he isn't worse, but, he isn't getting better. It's almost as if... his cancer were tied."
Stan,Oh boy.
Nelson,Oh. My cancer hurts.
Dr. Doctor,"He seems to have put all his hope into you winning that game. And with a tie, he's in a kind of... cancer limbo."
Stan,But what can I do?
Judge,Stan Marsh! Stan Marsh! Great news! Our hockey team has just been invited to play against Denver County during a Colorado Avalanche game!
Nelson,Wow.  At the Pepsi Center?
Dr. Doctor,Look! He's coming around again.
Nelson,"That's our biggest game ever. Do you think we can win, Coach?"
Stan,"Well, ah, I mean..."
Judge,"Imagine. If there was one game, one chance, to make everything right. Stan Marsh is being given that chance. But to win, he's gonna have to pull out all the stops in... ""Stanley's Cup""! Rated R."
Stan,"Yeah... yeah, we'll beat 'em."
Nelson,All right! Maybe there IS hope for me.
Dr. Doctor,"Just be aware of this, Coach. If you lose the Big Game, that little boy is going to die faster than Steve Irwin in a tank full of stingrays."
Stan,"Well, sure we can."
Stan,"Look, guys. I believe in you. Nelson believes in you. Doesn't that count for anything?"
Stan,They're not gonna kill us.
Stan,"Haven't you guys ever seen these movies? We're just supposed to rally together, believe in ourselves, and we win in the end."
Stan,Hey that's right. We need a ringer.
Park County,Yeah!
Kyle,"Stan, I told you. My mom doesn't want Ike playing hockey. She thinks it's dangerous."
Stan,"It's just for one game. He won't get hurt, I promise."
Park County,Yeah!
Kyle,"All right, but it's gonna take more than one good player to beat the champions, Stan. You'd better have a really good game plan."
Randy,"Can you believe it, Stan? The Pepsi Center. You're going back to the place where it all happened. Same place where you missed that shot all those years ago."
Stan,"Dad, I'm working on my game plan right now."
Randy,"Ya have to understand why I can't go. I can't... sit there in that same crowd and watch you destroy yourself again.  Oh, Stan. Of all the places, why does it have to be the Pepsi Center? All right, all right, I'll go. No, no I WANT to go.  I'm gonna be there for you and... I'll be rooting louder than anybody, saying ""That's my son!""  And just remember, Stan: win or lose. Those are your two options, Win, or lose."
Announcer,His shot is blocked! What a great save!  And that's the end of the second period. The score is tied 2-all.  And now please put your hands together for three minutes of exhibition play from some of our state's finest Pee Wee hockey players.
Stan,"All right, you guys, this is it. The moment is here. We've been through a lot together, and according to every movie ever made, we're going to win this game. Just don't forget: there's a little boy in the hospital who's really counting on us. So let's not let him down. Are you with me?!  All right, let's go win!"
Official,"Sorry boys, you aren't playing tonight."
Stan,Huh?
Official,The other Pee Wee hockey team didn't show up. There's nobody for you to play. Thanks for makin' the trip though.
Park County,We came to play.
Stan,Sso then we win?
Official,No. Nobody wins.
Stan,"Hey. Hey, you can't do this.  We've, we've been through all this stupid emotional crap!"
Official,"Well, you've got nobody to play, there's nothing we can do."
Stan,But it isn't supposed to end like this!
Av 1,"Hey, hold on a second. If these kids have been through a lot of emotional changes, then they have to play."
Av 2,Yeah.
Official,"Well, who are they gonna play?"
Av 1,They can take our place.
Av 3,Yeah. Let 'em play the Red Wings.
Stan,Play the Red Wings?
Judge,Stan Marsh coaches a Pee Wee hockey team. But now  they're going to play in the big leagues.  They've got small bodies but big hearts. Stan Marsh is... going professional.
Av 1,"All right! Give 'em hell, boys!"
The Avs,All right! Yeah!
Announcer,"It's a tie game here in Colorado as we get set to start the final period. Your attention, please: for this third and final period, the Detroit Red Wings will be playing... the Park County Pee Wee Hockey Team."
Denver Fans,OHHHHHHHHH!
Stan,Jesus Christ!  Stop! Stop this!
Man,Let them play!
Fans,Let them play! Let them play!
Stan,"Hey, can they do that??"
Ike,"Ow, no. Oh!"
A Red Wing,Yeah! We did it! We did it!
Randy,NOOO! NOT AGAIN! NOOO!
Red Wings Coach,"Thank you, Dad."
Former Coach,"I'm proud of you, boy."
Fans,Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings!
Nelson,No hope. No... hope...
Fans,Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings!
Character,Line
Announcer,And now back to Wheel of Fortune!
Pat Sajak,"All right, Randy, congratulations on making it all the way to the bonus round!"
Randy,"Thanks, Pat!"
Pat Sajak,You've got some family here watching tonight.
Randy,"Yeah, they're all rooting for me."
Pat Sajak,And I'm sure you have lots of friends watching back home?
Randy,"Yeah. Hi, everybody watching in South Park!"
Jimbo,That's us!
Stephen,Hehey!
Man 1,Hey Randy!
Jimbo,Good luck!
Pat Sajak,Well let's see if you can't make everyone proud. The category is  People Who Annoy You.
Randy,Okay.
Pat Sajak,"As always, we give you the letters R, T, S, L, and E.  We just need three more consonants, and a vowel."
Randy,"Okay I'd like a B, an N, and a G."
Pat Sajak,And a vowel?
Randy,An O please.
Pat Sajak,"Okay, well, looks like you're gonna get a lot of help here.  The category is People Who Annoy You.  Audience, keep quiet, please."
Randy,"Uh... Well, uh..."
Pat Sajak,"Ten seconds, Mr. Marsh."
Randy,I know it but I don't think I should say it.
Pat Sajak,"Five seconds, Mr. Marsh."
Randy,"Oh all right uh, I'd like to solve the puzzle!  Niggers!  Huh?  Ohhh..."
Stan,Oooo.
Randy,"Oh naggers. Of course, naggers.  Right."
Pat Sajak,"Uhh, can we cut to a... Can we cut to a-"
Randy,"Well? Gave it my best shot. Least we had a fun trip, huh, gang?"
Sharon,I can't believe you said the N-word on national television.
Randy,"What? Well what was I supposed to do, Sharon? I thought I was gonna make $30,000! Stanley, the only reason Daddy used that word is that he thought he would win money."
Kyle,"Dude, did your dad know that the show was being broadcast live?"
Cartman,"Dude, that was the funniest thing I've ever seen. I watched it on YouTube about sixty times."
Stan,Can we just drop this please? I don't wanna talk about it!
Cartman,"Yeah well, it's not us you have to worry about. It's Token.  He is gonna want to kick your cracker teeth in."
Stan,No he's not.  Is he?
Kyle,I don't know.
Stan,"I just need to explain things.  Hey Token. Look, I don't know if you saw Wheel of Fortune last night, but-"
Token,"Yeah, I was watching with my whole family. And then we saw all the replays this morning in the news."
Stan,"Listen, Token, my dad isn't a racist. He's just stupid, all right? He just blurted out the N-word, and it's no big deal, okay?"
Token,"Uh, well, actually it is kind of a big deal, Stan."
Cartman,Ohhhhhhhh?
Token,"It may be a mistake, but you don't understand how it feels when that word comes up. So don't say it isn't a big deal."
Cartman,"Oh shit here we go!  It's on! Race war!  Race war! Race war!  Race war is on, everybody! It's going down! Shit is going down!"
Stan,"Token, my dad wasn't trying to be offensive. Just forget about it."
Token,"That's easy for you to say, Stan."
Cartman,"Yeah, come on! Here we go!"
Stan,"Yeah, but he didn't say it in anger or anything like that."
Token,That doesn't mean I can just be fine.
Cartman,Race war! Come on! Race war!
Token,"If you really think it's not a big deal, then you really are ignorant. That's all. I'm not ""fighting"" anybody."
Cartman,"Token forfeits!  Whites win!  Whites win!  Race war is over, everybody! Whites won again!"
Randy,"I want to apologize deeply and sincerely for using the N-word on Wheel of Fortune. And I want to assure you that I am not a racist, Reverend Jackson."
Jesse Jackson,"The puzzle you were solving was ""people who annoy you""."
Randy,"Uh well, like anybody else thought it was ""naggers"". I mean, right?"
Jesse Jackson,"Mr. Marsh, you need to take time to understand African-American culture, visit black museums, see black performers and artists."
Randy,Oh! Ah I will! I'm really down with  African-Americans.
Jesse Jackson,Do you really want to apologize? Are you sure?
Randy,"Y-Yes, absolutely."
Jesse Jackson,"Very well. If you want to apologize, I will accept."
Randy,"Hahh, thank you, Mr. Jackson, thank you."
Jesse Jackson,"Brian, get a picture of Mr. Marsh apologizing."
Brian,"Ready to go, sir."
Jesse Jackson,Kiss it.
Randy,Huh?
Jesse Jackson,Apologize. Kiss it.
Randy,You want me to kiss your-
Jesse Jackson,That's right.  Apologize.
Randy,"Agh, oh, okay. I'll ahh...  Let's see here uh..."
Jesse Jackson,Apologize.
Stan,Hey Token. I just wanted to let you know that everything is cool now. My dad apologized to Jesse Jackson.
Token,"Oh I see, so I'm supposed to feel all better now."
Stan,"Well, yeah."
Token,"You just don't get it, Stan!"
Stan,"Dude, Jesse Jackson said it's okay!"
Token,"Jesse Jackson, is not the emperor, of black people!"
Stan,He told my dad he was...
Woman,"Today we are going to have a guest speaker talk to us about sensitivity and the power of words.  In a moment you will meet Dr. David Nelson, who has first-hand experience in overcoming slander, because David is himself a little person. Who knows what a little person is?  Yes? Over here?"
Butters,A midget?
Woman,"Not exactly. That term is actually considered offensive, and that's why Dr. Nelson goes from school to school getting us all to think about what we say. He has two PhD.'s and has published six books! Please welcome David Nelson!"
Mr. Nelson,"Good morning, students! How are we all feeling today?  I would like to share with you all my-"
Cartman,No! Dude! No fucking way!  Dude!
Mr. Nelson,"That, that words are like bullets. And if you give-"
Cartman,Stop! Stop! Stop! Stohahahahahahaha...
Mr. Mackey,"Eric, be quiet!"
Mr. Nelson,"No, no, it's okay. He'll run out of steam here pretty soon."
Cartman,"Look! Look look, look. They put a little suit on him."
Comedian,"So I said to my wife, ""You told me to kill the damned cockroach! Don't yell at me for making a mess!""  We've got a great crowd here tonight. Now, how many people are actually from Colorado?  Ya got nothin' better to do on a Friday night than to go to a comedy club, huh?  Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?  Yeah. I know you. You're the guy that said ""nigger"" on Wheel of Fortune.  Look! Everybody! It's the ""nigger"" guy."
Man 2,"Hey, it is him."
Comedian,"Oh, we got a star in the club. Everyone wave to the ""nigger"" guy.  Say, ""Hi, 'nigger' guy!"""
Randy,"Hi, ""nigger"" guy!"
Comedian,"That's all right, ""nigger"" guy. You know we're just playin'."
Randy,Yeah... No problem...
Comedian,"Have you all seen these navigation systems in these cars these days? Damn things look like they're straight out of ""Far Out Space Nuts"". Maybe ""nigger"" guy has one. You got one, ""nigger"" guy?"
Man 3,"Hey look, Betty. It's that ""nigger"" guy."
Three kids,Nigger guy. Nigger guy.
Clerk,Hey. What do you think you're doing?
Randy,I just... need some aspirin.
Clerk,"You aren't welcome in this store, ""nigger"" guy."
Randy,Fine!
Mr. Nelson,"Principal Victoria, I'm very concerned about the behavior of one of your students."
Principal Victoria,"Yes, we apologize for Eric Cartman's behavior, Mr. Nelson. We feel terrible."
Mr. Nelson,"Why? I don't feel terrible. It doesn't bother me at all.  Words are like bullets, and I let 'em pass right through me.  I just know that with some one-on-one time together with this Eric Cartman, I have a chance to change the way he thinks."
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, it might be best if you just ...let it go, m'kay?"
Mr. Nelson,"You don't understand.  You see, words are like bullets. And if you take away the gunpowder-"
Mr. Mackey,"Yeah yeah, we we get it, Mr. Nelson."
Principal Victoria,"Very well, Mr. Nelson.  Stacey, go ahead and send in Eric Cartman.  Eric, Mr. Nelson is concerned about how you respond to little people."
Cartman,Oh. Did I hurt his little feelings?
Mr. Nelson,"You know, you think you have the power to make me insecure, but your words are actually completely powerless."
Cartman,"Oh oh oh oh! If we could get, like, eight of these, we could dress them all up like little beavers, right, and then put 'em in a pond, and see if they build a dam!"
Mr. Nelson,"You see? No matter what you say, I'm still standing."
Cartman,Barely!
Mr. Nelson,"No matter how you act, I can rise above it!"
Cartman,"""Rise above it!"" Get it? Like he can rise above anything!"
Mr. Nelson,Shut your fucking mouth!
Principal Victoria,Mr. Nelson!
Mr. Nelson,"He, he, he didn't get to me. I was I was just I wast just joking"
Cartman,"Look, look how his face gets all red! He's like a little strawberry!"
Mr. Nelson,Aaaaaaa!
Randy,"Words with venom, words that bind. Words used like weapons to cloud my mind. I'm a person. I'm a man. But no matter how hard I try, people just say ""Hey! There goes that 'nigger' guy.""  Everywhere I go, it's always the same. I can't get away from that terrible name! ""Hey Nigger Guy! Nigger Guy! Nigger Guy!"" Stop! Now go. Call me Nigger Guy! Fill me with your hate! Try to bring me down- Oop up, you're too late. Someone just beat you to it. But my dream will not die: To be thought of as more... than just ""Nigger Guy"".  Respect."
Stan,"Token! Hey, wait up.  I just wanted to say, I get it now. You know, after that ""little person"" talk at that assembly the other day, I understand how you feel about somebody saying the N word."
Token,Sooo black people are midgets.
Stan,God dammit!
Mr. Nelson,"Excuse me: over here, please? All right, I need all students to join me over here."
Mr. Nelson,"I have called you here because it is time that we taught Eric Cartman a lesson once and for all! In a few seconds, Eric will be sent in, and when we walks through that door, I want you all at the same time to yell, ""Hello, fatso!"""
Craig,"...I don't think that's a very good idea, sir."
Mr. Nelson,"He has to learn his lesson! You see, words are like bullets.  All right all right, here he comes."
Kids,"""Hello, fatso!"""
Cartman,"Hey! What the hell is that?! You think that's fuckin' funny?!  Kyle, did you put everybody up to this?!  I bet you did! What the hell is going on?!"
Mr. Nelson,"Now you know how it feels.  You didn't like it when the tables were turned, did ya?"
Cartman,"Alright, alright, alright, who is the freaking genius who dressed him up in little suspenders? Clyde, was that you? Gahahahahaha!"
Mr. Nelson,You can't get to me! Words are like bullets!
Randy,"And so it is my honor to announce today the Randy Marsh African-American Scholarship Foundation.  It is my hope that this foundation will prove my commitment to the education of African-American students and erase once and for all my identity as the ""nigger"" guy.  You really... you really don't know how hard it is to be constantly reminded of something lame that happened in your past. I mean I... just wanna move on from what happened on ""Wheel of Fortune"", you know and... and when people call me... ""nigger guy""... they're bringing up a painful chapter of my history and all the negativity that went along with it. You just... you can't imagine how that feels."
Black Man,"Is this ""nigger"" guy serious?"
Randy,"Anyway, here's to a new start for us all. Thank you!"
Driver,Thar look Skeeter! That's that guy from the TV!
Skeeter,"Well well well, looks like we got ourselves a nigger guy!"
Randy,Awww! Awwww!
Skeeter,Yee haw! Yiiip yip yip yip yip yip.
Passenger,Wooo!
Randy,Whoa!
Skeeter,"Where you goin' ""nigger"" guy?"
Randy,"Please I, I don't want any trouble."
Skeeter,"Well you got trouble, when you first decided to slander an entire race of people on ""Wheel of Fortune""!"
Driver,"Yeah. You like making fun of minorities, ""nigger"" guy? Huh we don't take kindly to social ignorance."
Passenger,"You tell 'im, Skeeter, you tell 'im!"
Randy,What do you want?
Skeeter,What do we want?  We want to live in a world without people like you who are intolerant of African-Americans!
Man 4,Leave him alone.
Passenger,"Hey... That's that other ""nigger"" guy."
Skeeter,Huh?
Passenger,"That's the guy from Seinfeld, used the N-word a whole bunch o' times."
Driver,"Michael Richards? Huh well, son of a bitch!"
Skeeter,"Looks like it's our lucky day! We done got us two ""nigger"" guys!"
Man 5,Make that three.
Passenger,Mark Fuhrman?
Skeeter,Who?
Passenger,He done said the N-word in the O.J. case.
Driver,"Well what is this? A ""nigger"" guy convention?"
Richards,We aren't being pushed around anymore. Leave.
Driver,"Come on, Skeeter.  These ""nigger"" guys ain't worth our trouble."
Skeeter,"Damn ""nigger"" guys!  We'll be back!"
Richards,You'd better come with us.
Richards,"Come on in, Mr. Marsh. We'll make you some coffee."
Randy,What's going on here?
Fuhrman,We've been following your story since we first saw it on the news. Don't worry - you're with friends now. Dale here used the N-word in a racial joke at work. Scott used the plural N-word to refer to a group of gardeners who broke his fence.
Scott,They were Mexicans. I was being ironic.
Richards,We're all just like you.
Randy,"No.  No no, I'm sorry, but I'm not... like you. I just said the N-word by mistake to win money."
Richards,I made a mistake too.  I was trying to be funny! I got frustrated and thought I would get some shock laughs. I'm just... not that good of a comedian if you want to know the real truth.
Randy,You said the N-word to a black man's face! That's way worse than what I did!
Richards,"You really think that matters?!  You really think all those people out there see a difference? Oh, they might say your racial slur was more accidental; they might even laugh about it. But at the end of the day, all you are to them is just another damned ""nigger"" guy!  Oh, you don't like that, do ya?"
Randy,No.
Fuhrman,"Randy, we want you to join us. We have a plan to make this all go away once and for all."
Stan,"Now look, Token, I've done everything I can to make this right! You have no reason to still be mad!"
Token,I have every reason to be mad! You just don't get it!
Stan,I'm not responsible for what my dad did!
Token,"No, but you can't just pretend it never happened either!"
Stan,What the hell do you want from me?!
Token,Nothing!
Stan,Then stop being mad!
Token,No!
Butters,Fellas! Fellas come quick! Cartman's gonna fight the midget!
Butters,"All right, Eric, come on, Eric."
Kyle,"Dude, are you sure you wanna do this? Apparently this guy has a black belt in karate."
Cartman,"It's a midget, dude."
Mr. Nelson,"Students, I am going to beat the crap out of this kid to prove a point."
Cartman,"Hahaha, no dude. It can't talk, that isn't fair, I'll laugh too much."
Randy,"Senators, I know it is not normally considered ""American"" to ban words.  But there is one slur that has caused so much damage that we believe it should finally be made illegal. I'm talking, of course, about the term ""nigger guy""."
Senator 1,"""Nigger guy""?"
Randy,Two words which by themselves can be harmless but which together... form a verbal missile of hate.
Richards,Yeah! That's right!
Randy,Oh sure. Some people just use the term in jest - tell a nigger guy joke or two thinking it's no big deal - but they don't realize it can lead to people using the term as an excuse for violence.
Skeeter,Goddamn nigger guy's tryin' to be all political-like now!
Randy,"Senators, I've learned to admit that I'm capable of having- slightly racist thoughts once in a while. Can anybody say they never do? How long will it be before you are all called ""nigger guys""?"
Senator 2,"Uhhh, hold on a second, are you suggesting that ""nigger guy"" could become a slur that refers to all white people?"
Senator 3,I'm certainly not a nigger guy. I've never thought a racist thought.
Senator 4,"Aw, come on, you're the biggest nigger guy in Washington."
Senator 1,"Mr. Marsh, we see now the importance of your bill.  All those in favor to ban the term ""nigger guy""?"
Most Senators,Aye!
Senator 1,Opposed?
Senator 4,Nay?
Senator 1,The motion is passed!
Randy,We did it!
Field Reporter,"For the first time in American history, a word has been officially banned from use."
Senator 3,"From now on, if a person uses the word ""nigger,"" it must be at least seven words away from the word ""guy."""
Field Reporter,"Tom, it appears that the nigger guy epidemic is ove-  Oh dammit I said it, didn't I?"
Mr. Nelson,"AAAA! Ow! Ow! Okay!  Okay, you win!"
Cartman,"Say ""Uncle!"""
Mr. Nelson,Ung-cle!
Cartman,"Hahaha, now say ""Caroline, don't go into the light!"""
Mr. Nelson,"Caroline, don't go into the light!"
Cartman,"Haaha, hahahahahaha! Oh man, that is hysterical!  Oh!"
Mr. Nelson,There! Now you all see that I am not limited by my size.  I have proven my point! My work here is done!
Stan,What was his point?
Kyle,I have no idea.
Stan,"Dude, I don't get it."
Kyle,I don't get it either.
Stan,Wait a minute. That's it! I don't get it.
Kyle,...Huh?
Stan,"Don't you see, Kyle? I don't get it!  Token, I get it now. I don't get it. I've been trying to say that I understand how you feel, but, I'll never understand. I'll never really get how it feels for a black person to have somebody use the N word. I don't get it."
Token,"Now you get it, Stan."
Stan,Yeah. I totally don't get it.
Token,"Thanks, dude."
Cartman,"This picture I like to call ""The Pierre"". I invited Butters to stay the night, and while he was sleeping I made a mustache on his face with cat poo. Hahahahaha.  And this time, when Butters stayed the night, I put a tampon in his mouth.  I call this picture ""The Sleeping Menstrual"".  This one, I call ""Hot Fudge Mondae"".  I really like how the light plays with the background on this one."
Kyle,Is this all you brought us here to see?
Cartman,"Oh no, there's much more.  Let's see- Oh yes, look at this one: I call it ""New Moon Rising"".  I did a whole study using my ass.  Here it is using some high-contrast stuff.  trying out some... different light filters here.  But this is nothing compared to what I have planned. Because tonight... is going to be my coop de grass."
Kyle,Butters is staying over tonight?
Cartman,"Yes. And tonight, while Butters is asleep, I am going to-"
Butters,"Hey, fellas!"
Cartman,"Heh!  Oh, oh hey, Butters!  I wasn't expecting you so soon."
Butters,Yeah.  I finished my chores so I came over a little early.  Hey! Are you guys all sleepin' over too?
Cartman,"No no, these guys were just leaving.  weren't you guys?"
Stan,"Come on, let's go."
Kyle,"Wait, wai- I can't let this happen.  Butters."
Butters,Yeah Kyle?
Kyle,Don't you think it's a little strange that Cartman keeps asking you to stay over?
Cartman,Kyyyle!
Butters,Uh what do you mean?
Kyle,"I mean, that if-"
Cartman,"What he means is that he's jealous that you've taken his place as my new best friend! But grow up, Kyle! Change is a part of life."
Butters,"Heh yeah, grow up, Kyle."
Kyle,Hrrugh!
Butters,"So what do you wanna do first, Eric? You wanna play a game or just chitchat for a while?"
Cartman,"Well actually, Butters, I think we'd better hit the hay pretty soon."
Butters,"But, uh-ih-it's only 6:30."
Cartman,"Yeah, and I'm exhausted. If you are not sleepy yet, I have some more of that nighttime cold medicine you can drink."
Cartman,You guys! I got it!  It seriously! It's the greatest picture ever! Oh my God!
Stan,What'cha do to Butters this time?
Cartman,"It was genius! I waited 'til he was totally asleep, right? And then I got my camera, and I pulled down his pants, and then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth!"
Kyle,Dude!
Cartman,"I know I know, check it out, look.  I got his whole wiener in my mouth, see? Heheh. Oh man, I got him good!"
Stan,"Dude, how is putting Butters' wiener in his mouth getting him?"
Cartman,Because that makes Butters gay now!
Kyle,"No dude, that makes you gay!"
Cartman,Eh- ...what?
Kyle,"You put a guy's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid!"
Cartman,Nuh uh.
Kyle,Yeah huh!
Cartman,"Kenny, that doesn't make me gay, huh?"
Kenny,"(Ehe, that makes you very fucking gay.)"
Cartman,"But I'm not g-I'm not gay, you guys!"
Stan,You are now.
Cartman,"No, no, it was a stupid mistake!"
Kyle,Doesn't matter. You're gay now.
Cartman,"No, it was just for a second!  What, what can I do? How how can I reverse this?"
Stan,You can't!
Kyle,"Nono wait. I I know how you can reverse it, Cartman."
Cartman,How?
Kyle,The only way you can cancel it out is to get Butters to put your wiener in his mouth.
Cartman,Really?
Kyle,Yeah. Then it cancels out the gay polarity.
Cartman,"...Shit, I gotta find Butters!"
Kyle,...Idiot.
Butters,"Help me, I thinking I'm falling in love with you..."
Cartman,Butters.
Butters,"Whoa, hey Eric."
Cartman,"Butters, guess what? I have a surprise for you."
Butters,A surprise? What is it?
Cartman,It's so fuckin' awesome. You're gonna be soo stoked. It's the best surprise ever!
Butters,Oh boy!
Cartman,You ready?
Butters,Y-yeah!
Cartman,"Okay! Just open your mouth and close your eyes and, and get on your knees!"
Butters,"Oh, okay!"
Cartman,Hang on a second here.
Butters,"How come uh, I can't see?"
Cartman,"'Cause then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it?"
Butters,"Oh uh, ho yeah."
Cartman,"All right, that's good.  Okay, open your mouth, Butters?  That's good, just like that."
Butters,"Hey. Hey wait a minute. This ain't a trick, is it? Why you're not gonna, eh stick something icky in my mouth, are ya?"
Cartman,"...I swear on my mother's life, Butters. I am not going to stick anything icky in your mouth."
Butters,Well okay!
Cartman,"All right, you ready?  All right just- okay, open uh- okay, okay, here it comes. Just sit very still, okay? Here we go."
Stephen,Butters!
Cartman,Uh!
Butters,Whoa! Hey Dad!
Stephen,Butters! What are you doing?!
Butters,I'm getting a surprise!
Stephen,"Oh my God! My, my only son, reduced to this!"
Butters,Hey. Where'd Eric go?
Stephen,"Butters, how long have you been doing stuff like this?"
Butters,Like what?
Stephen,"Don't lie to me, Butters! I know your secret now! No wait, wait. It's okay. It's okay, Butters. This isn't a serious problem. You're just bi-curious."
Butters,What's... bi-curious?
Stephen,"You are. Just harmless curiosity, and it doesn't mean anything. We just need to get you some help, Butters."
Linda,"What's going on, you two?"
Butters,"Nothin' Mom, I'm just a little bi-curious."
Stephen,"Father Maxi, I... just don't know where else to turn. You see, I've just learned that my son is... bi-curious."
Father Maxi,"Is that true, son? Are you feeling... confused?"
Butters,"...Yeah, I'm pretty confused alright."
Stephen,You see?
Father Maxi,"Young man, These confused feelings that you're having are simply the Devil's way of trying to get a hold of you."
Butters,Really?
Stephen,"What can I do, Father?"
Father Maxi,"There is a special camp where young men who are confused, like your son, can go and be cleansed by the power of God. Many bi-curious boys come out the camp completely cured."
Stephen,A secluded camp where lots of bi-curious boys are all put together? That sounds like a good idea.
Butters,Whoa boy! Camp!
Cartman,Haahaahahaha!  Very funny! I suppose you really think you got me!
Kyle,"What are you talking about, fatass?"
Cartman,"I checked on the Internet, Kyyyle, and getting Butters to put my wiener in his mouth wouldn't make me not gay like you said!"
Kyle,"You figured that out, huh?"
Cartman,"That's right. And I also learned from the Internet that just because I put Butters' wiener in my mouth doesn't mean I'm gay! All I have to do is throw away the picture, forget it ever happened, and nobody will ever know."
Kyle,Except for us.
Cartman,"Right, except for you."
Kyle,And all the people we tell.
Cartman,Why would you tell anybody?
Stan,"Because it's really, really funny."
Cartman,"...It's not that funny. There's lots, there's lots of things that are way funnier."
Kyle,Like what?
Cartman,"Liiike... a tampon... in the school cafeteria... in, in somebody's lunch.  Liiike, a, a dog crap... on, on a guy's face!"
Stan,That isn't funny.
Cartman,"Yes it is! Now you guys, I'm getting pissed off! You'd better not tell anybody!"
Kyle,"Well, maybe we will, maybe we won't."
Cartman,"Fine! Whatever! You guys don't have any proof I put Butters' wiener in my mouth! It will be your word against mine! And we all know that everyone trusts me way more than you guys!  You guys, please don't tell anybody."
Kyle,"Okay. We won't tell anybody as long as you are super nice to us, every day, from now on."
Cartman,"Oh right, like that's possible! Alright, fine! You know what I'm gonna do, Kyle?! I'm gonna go home, and photo shop the picture so that it is your face with Butters' wiener in his mouth here! And if ANY of you say anything to anybody, I'll simply show them the picture of Kyle.  Haha, hahahaha!"
Leader,"Everyone, say hello to our new camper, Butters."
Campers,Hi Butters. Hello. Hi. Hello Butters.
Stephen,Thank you so much for taking him in.
Director,Don't worry. Your son just needs to learn that he can be straight if he chooses to be.
Director,"Do you know why you're here at camp, Butters?"
Butters,Because I'm bi-curious?
Director,"That's right. Like all the campers here, you're confused, and you don't think there's a way out. But even though some people would have you believe you can't control how you feel, the truth is that with the power of Jesus Christ you can be normal. Now, just to make sure you don't slip up while in camp we assign every camper an accountabilibuddy.  Let's meet Ryan, your accountabilibuddy.  Ryan thought he could never change. But now he's learning that with the power of Christ and prayer, he can have a whole new life.  Over this way we have the cafeteria. All the meals are served there.  Uh Bradley! How about you be Butters' accountabilibuddy?"
Bradley,"Humble yourselves therefore under God's might hand, that he may lift you up. - Peter 5:6"
Director,Butters here is new to the camp. He's chosen to rid himself of his affliction and forge a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
Butters,I'm bi-curious.
Bradley,Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman: that is detestable. - Leviticus 18:22.
Director,"That's right, Bradley. I think we're well on our way to being healed.  We've got another one: Room 22."
Staffer,"Aw, darnit!"
Stan,"Aw man, I've got H O R S now."
Kyle,"Okay, my turn."
Cartman,"Where is it, you filthy Jew?!"
Kyle,Where's what?
Cartman,You know God damned well what!
Kyle,Let go of me.
Stan,"What the hell are you doing, Cartman?!"
Cartman,"I went home to alter the picture of me with Butters' penis in my mouth to look like Kyle, but it was gone!  What did you do with my picture?!"
Kyle,Knock it off! I don't have your stupid picture!
Cartman,"Give it back, Kyle!"
Kyle,I don't have it!
Cartman,"I swear to God, Kyle, if you don't give it back right now,  I'm gonna break your fuckin' Jew legs right here!"
Kyle,Shut up!
Cartman,"You shut up! You're lying, and  you two are covering up for him! You know what? You're just like Jews yourselves! Stan, you're a Jew, and Kenny, you're a Jew! You're all Jews!  OW!  OW! AAAAUH!  NYAAAAAAAAAA!"
Campers,The Lord is love this forWith Jesus I can just say noAnd not be confused anymore.
Director,"We will now hear a sermon from Pastor Phillips. For those of you who are new to camp, Pastor Phillips is somebody who has broken free of the bonds that afflict you."
Butters,He's bi-curious too?
Director,"Not anymore. Because Pastor Phillips prayed, and by the hand of Jesus Christ, he's now completely cured! Let's hear it for Pastor Phillips, kids!"
Pastor Phillips,"Helloooo campers!  Yeth, believe it or not, I mythelf used to have unclean urges, and like a lot of you, I thought I was just made that way, that I didn't have a choice. But then I realized that God didn't want me to be that way! God wanted me to be a man!  So I buckled up in my little suit and I prayed to be normal and guess what?  It worrrrked!"
Director,"That's right, kids. You see, right now you're like a paper clip.  And just like a paper clip,  God needs to bend you, and shape you, and make youuuu... straight."
Det. Yates,So you say you were robbed.
Cartman,Yes. A photograph. And I know who took it! His name is Kyle Broflovski!
Det. Yates,"If it's a photo, what's the big deal? Why don't you just print out another one?"
Cartman,"It's a big deal, okay?! That picture is my propertih, and I want it back!"
Det. Yates,"Okay, what is the picture of?"
Cartman,Why... why does that matter?
Det. Yates,Well how are we gonna find your picture unless we know what it is?
Cartman,All right. It's a picture ...of me.
Det. Yates,Yes?
Cartman,It's a picture ...of me.  And um... what appears to be... a penis... in my mouth.
Det. Yates,You were sucking somebody's penis.
Cartman,"No, no I was not! I was asleep, and this person just... puts a penis in my mouth without me knowing! And and took the picture!"
Det. Yates,...I see.
Cartman,"Yes. Now it may appear in the picture... that I'm actually looking at the camera lens and s-and smiling, with the penis in my mouth. And giving a thumbs up. But I assure you, I was fast asleep!"
Det. Yates,"Well we'd have to get a warrant first, approved by a grand jury."
Cartman,I don't have time for that! We have school tomorrow! And I know that Kyle is gonna show the picture to everybody during Show and Tell!
Det. Yates,"Well then, you're screwed."
Director,You both do understand that we're trying to save your souls from eternal life in hell?
Butters,"Well sure, I guess."
Bradley,Only through Christ can we cleanse our souls.
Director,And you do know the rule which states that no impure or immoral images are allowed to be seen by the eye?
Butters,"Well yeah, sure."
Bradley,"So let's purify ourselves from everything that makes the body or soul unclean. - Corinthians, chapter 7."
Director,Then do you mind telling us why we found this  1979 Sears men's underwear catalog... in your room?
Bradley,That's... that's mine.
Director,You know this is strictly forbidden!
Butters,Ah I don't understand. What's wrong with underwear?
Director,"What's wrong?!  This is what makes you confused! Don't you get it?! This is confusing you right now, isn't it?!"
Butters,"Yes, it's all very confusing!"
Director,"This is just as much your fault, Butters! Bradley is your accountabilibuddy! That makes you accountabilibuddyable. Both of your boys' behavior has jeopardizing all of the work we're doing here to save these kids!  Right. For having contraband in your room, you will both do penance by writing scripture for the next four days!"
Cartman,That son of a bitch. He's gonna show everyone that picture. Only twelve hours from now.  That's it. I don't have a choice. I'm gonna have to bring Mom in on this one! I'm just... going to have to tell her the truth.  Ow. OW. OW!
Liane,"Eric? What's the, what's the matter?"
Cartman,"I, don't, want to go to school tomorrow."
Liane,"Sweetie, shhh, tell Mommy what happened."
Cartman,"Kyle, has a picture of me, and he's gonna show everyone during Show and Tell, and, everyone's gonna laugh at meeee."
Liane,"Oh, now why would he do that?"
Cartman,"Because, he's jealous of how much smarter I am than him. So, he's gonna show everyone the picturrrre."
Liane,"What is the picture of, Eric?"
Cartman,"Last time, when Butters spent the night, I was being really nice to him and I was... gonna take a picture of him for his mom to have."
Liane,"Ohh, that's nice."
Cartman,"But then, right when I took the picture, Butters got really hot, so he pulled his pajama bottoms down, and then I tripped, and, fell down, and my mouth landed right on his penis, and, then I thought of something funny, so I smiled up at, the camera and gave like a, thumbs up, and, and then Kyle took the picture from me, and he's gonna show it to everybody, and make them think I'm gaaaaaaay."
Liane,"Oh, there there, sweetie. It'll be okay. These things happen."
Cartman,"But, Mom, I've been trying to get the picture back, but he won't give it to meee."
Liane,"It's okay, Eric. I'll have a talk with Kyle's mother."
Cartman,"You, you will?"
Butters,...but that He loved us and sent His Only Son to be the satisfaction of our sins. Neato!
Bradley,"Butters, I'm sorry for getting you into trouble."
Butters,"Awww, that's okay, Bradley."
Bradley,"I really want to get better. I try to do everything the counselors say, but some...how I still feel confused."
Butters,"Yeah, well hopefully, when we finish writin' all these verses, we won't be bi-curious no more, and then we can go home!"
Bradley,"You're really terrific, Butters. I mean, I think you're great.  Oh oh! Oh God! Bad thought! Bad thought!"
Butters,Wuh-what's the matter?
Bradley,"I think, I, I th-, I think I like you."
Butters,"Well I like you too, Bradley."
Bradley,You do?
Butters,Well yeah!
Bradley,You like like me?
Butters,"Sure, I like like you a lot a lot."
Bradley,"Oh God, we're both un-fixable! Don't you see we're lost causes?! We're just evil and nothing can change us! There's no other way out, Butters! We have to kill ourselves!"
Butters,No! Bradley! You can't leave; you're my accountabilibuddy!
Sheila,Hello?
Liane,"Hello, Sheila? It's Liane, Eric's mother."
Sheila,"Ohh, hello, Mrs. Cartman."
Liane,"Um, Sheila, I'm sorry to trouble you with this, but apparently your son has a picture of Eric with another boy's penis in his mouth."
Sheila,Excuse me?
Liane,"Don't worry, sweetie, everything is fine."
Cartman,It is?  Really? Oh Mommy thank you! Thank you!
Liane,You have nothing to worry about in school tomorrow. Mrs. Broflovski assured me that Kyle doesn't have the picture.
Cartman,What?
Liane,She talked with her son and says he doesn't have it.
Cartman,"Mom, she's lying!"
Liane,"She said she was sure, Eric."
Cartman,"Mom, you don't know anything about Jews! They lie all the time!"
Liane,"Well, Eric, there's nothing more I can do about it."
Cartman,Then that's it. Kyle wins. But he won't win completely! I'm going to print out another copy of that picture and show it to the class myself! I can at least rob Kyle of his final lie
Director,Do you mind telling me how you managed to lose... your accountabilibuddy?!
Butters,"I went looking for 'im, but he runs real fast."
Director,"You don't seem to take this camp seriously, Butters. I've called your father in for a talk."
Butters,"Oh no, my Dad?"
Director,Do you understand the concept of Hell? Do you realize that if we don't fix you you will burn in a lake of fire for eternity?
Butters,"Well yeah, but I just don't quite understand what you're fixin'."
Director,We're fixing your confusion!
Stephen,"There you are, Butters!"
Director,Oheh- hey Dad.
Stephen,What's he done now?!
Director,"Mr. Stotch, your son is insubordinate, unwilling to change, and worse yet, he's lost his accountabilibuddy!"
A counselor,They found him! They found Bradley! You'd better come quick!
Director,"Oh Lord in Heaven! Don't jump, Bradley!"
Bradley,Stay-stay back! I'm an abomination of God!
Director,"Nono, we're fixing you!"
Cartman,"Guess you think today is your big day, huh Kyle? To embarrass me in front of everyone?  Well guess what? I'm not giving you the satisfaction!"
Mrs. Garrison,"Okay students, let's all take our seats. Since it is Monday, we'll start as always with Show And Tell.  Who'd like to go first?"
Kyle,"Ow! Quit it, dude!"
Mrs. Garrison,"Okay Eric, Jesus, calm down. You can go first."
Cartman,"HA!  For Show And Tell today, I would like to share with you some very special, very artsy photographs I've taken in pursuit of being a respected photographer.  This first picture I like to call ""Moods of Winter"" , a simple aspen grove shot in high-contrast black and white shows the brittleness of the trunks and reminds one... of death. This picture I took just as the sun was rising and this lonely man was walking to work. A statement about... all of our loneliness, perhaps?"
Kyle,He isn't actually going to show everyone...
Cartman,And now this next picture
Director,"Don't jump, Bradley! You will only make god angrier with you!"
Bradley,It's too late.
Butters,"Bradley, please. You're my accountabilibuddy. How will this make me look?"
Director,You get back. You're only gonna make things worse.
Bradley,I'm not normal. I'll never be normal!
Butters,"You're perfectly normal, Bradley."
Director,Get back! You're just as confused as he is!
Butters,All right. All right that does it!  I am sick and tired of everyone telling me I'm confused! I wasn't confused until other people started tellin' me I was!  You know what I think? I think maybe you are the ones who are confused!
Bradley,Yeah.
Butters,"I'm not gonna be confused anymore just because you say I should be! My name is Butters, I'm eight years old, I'm blood type O, and I'm bi-curious! And even that's okay! Because if I'm bi-curious, and I'm somehow made from God, then I think your God must be a little bi-curious himself!"
Bradley,I think. I think I'd like to come down now.
Director,He's coming down!  We did it!  Through the power of Christ we have saved this child!
Stephen,"Well Butters, I guess we might as well go home. Looks like you're never gonna change."
Butters,No. I like bein' bi-curious.
Stephen,Well you know somethin'? So do I.
Butters,Wait. Now I am confused.
Cartman,And this photograph I took of a sunset near the power plant. Note how the contrasting images make a statement about our impact on the Earth. Which brings us to my last picture. Ahem. This picture you may find somewhat... controversial.
Bebe,Eww!
Clyde,Dude.
Cartman,Yes. This is shot at a 5.6 aperture using a low-light filter. You can see the grain from the high-speed film - there's sort of a- penis in my mouth right here - and the low depth of field keeps the background soft.
Mrs. Garrison,"Eric, what the hell is this?!"
Cartman,"What this is, is a statement against the war in Iraq. It's wrong that we still have our troops there. It's wrong! And what I think that-"
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, Eric Cartman? We got an emergency message from your mother?  ""Do not show picture. Kyle didn't have it after all. Found it under your desk."" She said you'd know what that means, m'kay?"
Cartman,...Lame.
Mrs. Garrison,"All right, students, let's take our seats. Apparently we have a little problem here at the school which we need to talk about."
Cartman,"Ah yes. You mean the Jew problem.  Good, good! I'm glad we're finally gonna do something about it."
Mrs. Garrison,"No, I mean the problem of head lice.  There's been a lice breakout at a school in Denver, and we need to make sure nobody spreads it here."
Bebe,Somebody might have lice?
Class,Ewww!
Mrs. Garrison,So today you're all going to the gymnasium to have your scalps examined.
Cartman,Uh th-that is completely unnecessary. Everyone knows that only poor people can get lice. The only person that can spread it here is Kenny.
Kenny,(What? Fuck you!)
Mrs. Garrison,"I'm sure this class is clean, but we're gonna be examined so that if anyone has the lice, we can stop it before it spreads.  Lice can live in anybody's hair."
Male Louse,"Hello, Kelly. How's my babih?"
Kelly,You mean me or the little one?
Male Louse,I mean both.
Kelly,"Well, besides a little loneliness waiting for Daddy to come home, I guess we're both okay."
Male Louse,How did a louse like me get so lucky to have a louse like you?
Kelly,"Luck had nothing to do with it, Travis.  You okay?"
Travis,Sometimes... I just worry what kind of world our babih is gonna grow up in.  I need to run up to the forest and do another sediment analysis. I'm worried we might be overworking the tertiary layer.
Lead Screener,"All students, make sure you're in line according to your grade. When you reach the front of the line you will go behind the curtain and remove any hats to be checked."
Butters,"Boy, I sure hope they don't find lice in my hair."
Stan,What do you think happens if you do have it?
Cartman,"They drag you out of here, put you in this big containment facility, where they stick a cold metal pipe up your ass with this clear jelly, and then they shock your balls."
Craig,I'm clean! I knew I didn't have any stupid lice!
Cartman,This is ridiculous. All this just so they can send Kenny and his stupid head lice home.
Kenny,(Hey! Fuck off!)
Lead Screener,Have a seat on the stool.
Lead Screener,"Uh oh, looks like you've got 'em."
Clyde,What?
Lead Screener,"You have lice. Let's see... Clyde Harris, is it?"
Clyde,Oh my God. Oh Christ no!
Lead Screener,"Now now, it's all right. We're going to call your parents and get you to your doctor."
Clyde,"Please, ya-you don't understand. The other kids are gonna make fun of me forever!"
Lead Screener,I'm sure your friends aren't that cruel.
Clyde,Yes they are!
Travis,"Mr. President! Mr. President! I believe we have a serious problem!  The environment... is changing. I believe it is somehow, reacting to our presence on it."
President,And what do you base this on?
Travis,"Look, this is the world, right? But now, think of the world as... a living being.  If it were somehow conscious, then it would ultimately become aware of our effect on it."
Older Louse,"Huh right, the world is conscious. It makes perfect sense.  Hello. Anybody?"
Travis,"If we have made too much of an impact, then that consciousness would try to snuff us out! I think we're looking at a global catastrophe, the likes of which we've never seen!"
Older Louse,Poodiggery and poppycock!
Travis,"I think we need to put all resources now into a full investigation, perhaps even begin a licewide evacuation."
Older Louse,Evacuation?! Tomorrow is the Gootack Festival. Do you know how much money we would lose? Escort Mr. Mayfield out. The President can't be bothered any further.
Travis,Damn you Vice President Craig! You could be killin' us all!
Clyde,This is so... embarrassing.
Girl,I have an ear infection. What are you seeing the doctor for?
Clyde,I have... I have AIDS.
Nurse,Clyde Harris?
Doctor,"Yeeaahh, that's a pretty bad lice problem there. Good thing they pulled you out of school."
Clyde,"But why me, doctor? Why me?! How did I get this?!"
Doctor,"Well, believe it or not, some lice can actually attach themselves to flies, and then wait for the fly to land on someone's head where they can reproduce. And then the lice that live in your head now were probably all born there."
Clyde,...Sick!
Doctor,"This shampoo should take care of it.  Use this in the shower. Your scalp may burn a bit afterwards, but... it should kill... every last one of them."
Kelly,Travis? Everything okay?
Travis,"Kelly, I was just thinkin' about our babih. I want to name her... Hope."
Kelly,Hope?
Travis,Hope for a... chance at tomorrow?
Louse 1,It's raining? Now?
Louse 2,Woohoo! I love the rain!
Travis,Oh my God.  We have to get out of here!
Kelly,"What it, it's just rain."
Travis,"We have to get out of here now, Kellih!"
Louse 3,What is that?
Lice,Whoa!  Ruuun!
Travis,"Everyone get up into the trees! We have to get up high! Come on, Kelly!"
Kelly,"My God, Travis, they're all dying!"
Travis,"Don't look, Kelly! Don't look!"
Louse 4,What the hell is it?!
Louse 5,"Well it's okay, we're safe up here!"
Travis,I don't think so!
Louse 4,OoOhOOOoooh!
Kelly,Travis!
Travis,Kellih! Hang on!
Kelly,I can't... hang on!
Travis,You have to! For the babih!
Kelly,Nooooooooooo!
Travis,Kehhhllihhhh! No! Noooo!
Mrs. Garrison,"Okay, kids, today we're going to review some Civil War history. Who can tell me what year the war started?"
Cartman,"Waiwaiwait, whoa whoa, so what happened?"
Mrs. Garrison,With what?
Craig,With the lice exam. Did they find anybody with lice?
Mrs. Garrison,"Y-yes, some lice was discovered and the proper action has been taken."
Stan,Somebody in this class?
Mrs. Garrison,"Uh, yes."
Class,Ohhhhh.
Cartman,"Well who was it?  It was Kenny, right?"
Mrs. Garrison,"That doesn't matter, it's over."
Cartman,"Doesn't matter?! If somebody had parasites in their hair, we need to know who!  It was Kenny, wasn't it?"
Red,"I wanna know who it was, too."
Mrs. Garrison,"It's being kept confidential! There's a policy in the schools not to single out a kid who has lice, because of the embarrassment it can cause, okay?!"
Cartman,That is bullcrap! You are denying our rights as children to totally rip on that kid and make him or her feel like an outcast!
Class,Yeah!
Bebe,And we have a right to know which boy had lice in his hair so we don't ever go out with them!
Craig,How do we know it was a boy? It could just have easily been one of you stupid girls!
Butters,Yeah! Dumb girls!
Mrs. Garrison,"The case is closed! Whoever had the lice, they're dead now! We're moving on to Civil War history.  Ulysses S. Grant-"
Travis,"Hope. Hope, you're alive.  My God...  Heh?!"
Louse 6,Help me... Help meeee...
Louse 7,"Travis.  Over here! Travis, if you hadn't warned us to get up in them trees, we'd all be dead."
Travis,How many survivors?
Louse 7,Just the six of us. And the Vice President.
Travis,"You son of a bitch! You had a chance to stop this! So help me, if we live through this, I'm gonna see you rot in prison!"
Louse 8,What do we do now?
Travis,We aren't out of this yet! You two look for other survivors. You get whatever food you can and bring it back here.
Vice President,Who put you in charge?!
Travis,God did! When he killed my wife!
Cartman,"All right, the person who had head lice needs to speak up right now, so that we know to stay away from you!"
Craig,"Yeah, come on! We're gonna find out sooner or later."
Cartman,"Okay, whoever you are, you are now not only a licehead, you're a liar! You're only making this worse on yourself!"
Kyle,You know what? I'll bet it was you!
Cartman,Me?!
Kyle,This is exactly what you would do if they found lice in your hair! Try to lead the charge against somebody else to take the suspicion off of yourself!
Cartman,"I don't think so, Kyle! But you know what?! This is exactly what you would do if you had had head lice! Try to get everyone to blame me!"
Stan,You guys stop it! This isn't getting us anywhere!
Cartman,"That's exactly what you would do if you had had head lice, Stan."
Kyle,"Yeah, try to have everyone make peace so it doesn't seem like a big deal."
Cartman,And this is exactly what Kenny would do: stand here and say nothing!
Butters,"Heh hey guys, what would I do?"
Bebe,Let's just get a magnifying glass and look at everyone's heads.
Kyle,It's too late. The treatment would have killed it all.
Clyde,Well I guess we're never gonna know. There's no way to tell.
Cartman,There's a way! There's a way to find out who had sick-ass head cooties! And I'm gonna find it!
Kyle,It was him. It had to have been him!
Stan,Yeah... Or you.
Louse 9,"Mark? Mark, you have to hang on."
Travis,"This isn't going to stop. The world is rejecting us! If we're gonna live, we have to get off this planet."
Louse 8,How?
Travis,"First we have to get out of the forest, into the forbidden zone. It's the only way we might even see another planet!"
Louse 9,The forbidden zone... We'll be exposed. We'll die out there.
Travis,"We'll die here! Look, the world is getting rid of us! Don't you get it?!"
Louse 10,Getting rid of us? You-you mean like it knows what it's doing?
Travis,Yes! Because maybe we rolled the dice too many times!
Louse 9,I'm not leaving my husband.
Louse 11,Yeah huh-I'll take my chances here.
Travis,You can all stay here; I'm gonna try to save my babih.
Louse 12,I'll go with you. There's nothing left for me here.
Vice President,I wanna go too.
Travis,Not a chance.
Vice President,"Look, I know I messed up, all right? But I think you're right. If we can get out of the forest, we might find another place to live."
Travis,"If we find anything, we'll try to send help for the rest of you.  Let's go.  Come on if you're comin' Mister Vice President!"
Vice President,Yeah. Right behind you.
Cartman,"All right, lock that door, Craig!"
Kyle,"What's this about, Cartman?"
Cartman,"I've come up with a test that can determine if it was any of us who had the head lice.  We're gonna find out once and for all who had head cooties.  Lice feed on a person's blood, and just like mosquitoes they leave small traces of their saliva in the host's bloodstream. That saliva, is monochromagnic. So if an infected person's blood is touched by... this hot metal coil, say... that person's blood will jump 10 meters into the air."
Jimmy,Ur ur re- ur really?
Kyle,"That's retarded! You didn't come up with that experiment, Cartman, you saw it in that movie, The Thing!"
Cartman,"This is a scientific test, designed to-"
Kyle,You saw it in The Thing and you're wasting everyone's time!
Cartman,"I thought you might say that, Kyle. Because you don't want to take the test, do you?!"
Kyle,Nobody's blood is going to jump up in the air!
Cartman,"If it isn't going to work, then what are you afraid of? The only person who wouldn't want to take the test is somebody who was worried it might work and reveal that they were the ones with lice!"
Craig,Yeah. That's true.
Jimmy,I have no problem taking the test. I have nothing to hi-huhiii-hide
Token,Yeah. Me neither.
Kyle,"All right, fine. I'll do the dumb test."
Cartman,Everyone take a Petri dish and a syringe. We need at least 30 cc's of blood from each one of you.
Cartman,"All right, now everyone back over there!  We'll start with what I already know."
Butters,"Well, guess that proves Eric wasn't the one with head lice."
Kyle,It doesn't prove anything!
Cartman,"Yeah? Let's just see what your blood does, Kyle!  Huh, I guess you're clean."
Clyde,"Ye-you guys, we'd better go. Recess is almost over."
Cartman,"It's all right, it won't take much longer, just-AHH AHHGH!"
Token,What the hell?!
Cartman,Kenny!
Kyle,No way.
Craig,"You were right all along, Eric. It was Kenny."
Cartman,Of course I was right! I told you only poor people get lice!
Louse 12,We've done it. We've reached the forbidden zone.  I've always heard stories about this place. Never thought it was real.
Travis,It's real. Real as my love for my unborn babih.
Vice President,"So what exactly is your plan, Travis?"
Travis,Our ancestors came here from another world. Maybe there's still other worlds out there with life forms like us. Maybe there's even a world where they've learned to live with the planet instead of just on it.
Louse 12,"Travis. Travis, you're, so wise, so strong. If we make it out of this, I'd like to... be with you."
Travis,"Sorry, babe, but my heart is forever stenciled in permanent ink with the name  Kelly."
Louse 12,She was a lucky woman to have you.
Travis,Luck had nothin' to do with it.
Vice President,Sorry to cut the honeymoon short!
Travis,Why you murdering bastard!
Vice President,Your little fantasy of another world ends here! Walk!
Travis,"What the hell do you want, Vice President?!"
Vice President,Walk!
Craig,"Clyde, dude, get down to the park. We caught Kenny, and we're all gonna let him have it!"
Clyde,What? What are you gonna do to him?
Cartman,"He lied to us all! He betrayed his kind! We all know what has to happen.  Grab a sock and a bar of soap, and meet us at the park!"
Clyde,"You guys, wait."
Cartman,"What, Clyde?"
Clyde,I... nothing.
Cartman,"All right, see you there!  Remember, bar of soap and a sock! Kenny's gonna get it!"
"Token, Craig",Yeah!
Jimmy,Yeah! We're gonna fu-fu-fuck him up!
Mrs. Garrison,Yello?
Clyde,"Mrs. Garrison, one of your students is about to be attacked at the park by all the other students."
Mrs. Garrison,What? Who's going to get attacked? Who is this?!
Clyde,Please just hurry to the park! You have to stop them!
Vice President,That's good! That's far enough!
Travis,What are you going to do?
Vice President,"I'm gonna go back to the village, start to rebuild, mate with the females, become... President!"
Travis,Don't you get it? The world doesn't want you here! It's not gonna stop until you're dead!
Vice President,It was a disaster! Disasters happen!
Travis,"Then go ahead and die there, I'm leavin' with my babih!"
Vice President,"Actually, you're never leaving here either, Travis!"
Travis,Damn you! Why?!
Vice President,"Because when I'm President, I can't have pests like you constantly trying to preach that the world is alive! You're an idealistic fool! The world is not ""conscious,"" we are conscious! If the world was alive, it would feel this!"
Clyde,Ow.
Vice President,You die he-
Cartman,"Kenny McCormick, you are charged with bringing head cooties into our school, and lying about it to cover your ass! How do you plead?!"
Kenny,(Not guilty!)
Cartman,Guilty! I thought so!
Craig,"All right, let's do this!"
Clyde,"You guys, maybe we should just... wait a few more minutes?"
Cartman,"All right, Kenny. You know what has to happen! Sock bath! Everyone wash Kenny with the soap and dry him off with the socks!"
Kenny,"Nohoho! No, not the socks! Ahhhgh, stop!"
Clyde,"Wait, wait!"
Kyle,"Wait... stop it, stop it!  I can't let Kenny be sock-dried."
Craig,He had cooties and he lied about it!
Kyle,"Kenny didn't have the head lice, all right?!  It was me."
Clyde,What?
Kyle,"I was the one. I was too afraid to say anything, but I can't let Kenny be sock-bathed for it."
Stan,"Why are you saying that, Kyle? You can't be the one who had head lice.  Because I was. You're just trying to make me feel bad because you figured that out, didn't you?!"
Clyde,"Wait a-wait a minute, what?"
Cartman,"Oh I get it.  This is some kind of big trick on me! You've known I was the one with head lice all along, huh?!"
Stan,You had head lice?
Cartman,Of course! Why do you think I went through that elaborate bullcrap experiment to frame Kenny?!
Mrs. Garrison,"You all had head lice!  Every single person in the class! The boys aaand the girls! Lice spreads fast, you dumb-asses!"
Craig,I thought I was the only one.
Butters,Me too.
Cartman,But that means... that means Kenny was lying! Sock bath!
Kenny,Dudes!
Travis,"Kellih. Kellih, can you hear mih? I don't know if you can. But... I wanted you to know I tried. I tried to save our babih. But I let you down, babe.  Keh... k-Kellih?"
Louse 13,"You are welcome here.  You're safe now. We've lived here for generation after generation, never being disturbed."
Travis,"Heh. We made it, Hope. We made it, Kellih!"
Agent,"Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Angelina Jolie!"
Angelina Jolie,Hello everyone!  Hello!
Mrs. Garrison,"All right, students, let's take our seats. Everyone try to be nice because we have a new student joining us today, and I know you'll all make him feel welcome. Say hello to... Baahir Hassan Abdul Hakeem."
Cartman,Uh oh!
Mrs. Garrison,"Welcome to our class, Baahir."
Baahir,Thank you.
Cartman,"Duhude, dude,  not cool!"
Mrs. Garrison,Why don't you take a seat in Kyle's empty desk for now?
Baahir,Okay.
Cartman,"Oooh hooohoho. Nooo, noohoohoo."
Mrs. Garrison,"Eric, what the hell is wrong with you?!"
Cartman,What's wrong?  Has he been checked for bombs?
Mrs. Garrison,"Eric, that's enough! Not all Muslim people are terrorists!"
Cartman,"No, but most of them are. And all it takes is most of them."
Butters,"Now you go, Baahir."
Kyle,Yeah?
Cartman,"Kyle, are you on your computer?"
Kyle,"What? No, I'm sick."
Cartman,Get online. I need you to check something for me.
Kyle,"Dude, leave me alone."
Cartman,"Kyle, every one of our friends might be in serious danger!"
Kyle,What? Why?
Cartman,Get online now!
Kyle,"All right, all right."
Cartman,Go to MySpace.  See if there's a MySpace page for a Baahir Hakeem.
Kyle,"Baahir Hakeem.  Born in Chicago, eight years old, his favorite color is green... Car, Cartman, what is this all about?"
Cartman,"Kyle, I want you to check his buddy list. How many MySpace friends does he have?"
Kyle,Over a hundred.
Cartman,Look further down the page. Does he list his favorite band?
Kyle,White Stripes
Cartman,That's funny.
Kyle,What?
Cartman,He told everyone in class today his favorite band was Blink 182.
Cartman,The following takes place between Recess and Geography class.
Barbrady,Hello?
Cartman,"Officer Barbrady, South Park Elementary is in serious danger!"
Barbrady,From what? Who is this?
Cartman,I've just ID'd a Muslim and his MySpace page does not check out. You've got to get these people out of here now!
Barbrady,Are you serious?
Cartman,"If I wasn't serious, would I be talking like this?"
Barbrady,Like what?
Cartman,"Whispering, but whispering really loudly for dramatic effect."
Barbrady,Oh jeez.
Mrs. Garrison,What the hell?
Principal Victoria,All students are to evacuate the school immediately!
Butters,"Hey, Baahir, uh since we get to go home, you wanna come over uh, play checkers?"
Baahir,"Sure, okay."
Butters,Well all right!
Kyle,Dude.
Cartman,Yeah.
Kyle,"Dude, I just got an IM from Stan that they evacuated the school."
Cartman,Yeah. Now do you believe me that somethin' is goin' on?!
Kyle,I guess so.
Cartman,Yeah well I don't like it! It doesn't follow!
Kyle,Wuh what doesn't follow?
Cartman,"Why would a terrorist just blow up a school? It's not their M.O. Unless... Oh my God! Unless this was all just a big diversion.  Kyle, I need you to Google-search the South Park Chamber of Commerce!"
Kyle,Okay.
Cartman,Their Web site should have a calendar of events: is there anything big going on in town today?!
Kyle,"Yeah. Actually, there is."
Cartman,What?
Kyle,There's a Hillary Clinton campaign rally.  Cartman? ...Cartman?
Agent,Sir! There's somebody calling in saying there's going to be a terrorist attack on the Hillary Clinton rally today.
Head Agent,"What?  This is CIA head, Alan Thompson."
Cartman,"Mr. Thompson, you have to call off the Clinton rally! There's a terrorist in South Park!"
Mr. Thompson,What do you know?
Cartman,He just showed up out of the blue! I need to speak with the President right away!
Mr. Thompson,I'm the head of the CIA! You can tell me!
Cartman,I said I will only talk to the President!
Mr. Thompson,"Look, if you have information of a threat, you could-"
Cartman,LALALALALALALALA!
Mr. Thompson,I will have you arrested for-!
Cartman,LALALA-I can't hear you! Only the President! LALALALALALA!
Aide,"Call is coming through now, Mr. President."
Bush,Hello?
Cartman,"President Bush, this is Eric Cartman! Are we on a secure line?"
Bush,Huh? Who.
Cartman,"Look, I know you're not the biggest Hildog fan, but she is in great danger right now!"
Bush,Hildog?
Aide,"Yes, I understand. I'll let Ms. Clinton know."
Hillary,"What is it, Brian?"
Brian,"Ms. Clinton, we just received word of a possible terrorist attack on your rally today."
Hillary,Is the thread credible?
Brian,"We aren't sure, but... perhaps it's best we call it off."
Hillary,"No. No, I will not be bullied by terrorist threats. Your men do a good job, Brian. I have faith that any thread will be taken care of accordingly."
Driver,"We've reached the rally site, Hildog."
Aide 2,"Don't worry, Mrs. Clinton, I'm sure everything will be fine."
Hillary,"Thank you, Chris."
Chris,They know about the bomb!
Blond Russian,That is impossible! We took every measure to assure the bomb was hidden from sight.
Chris,"Well somebody tipped off the CIA. I don't know how much they know, but security has been heightened."
Blond Russian,That bomb must travel with the Clinton rally to Boston!
Chris,"The bomb won't make it to Boston now! With the heightened security, it's only a matter of time before they find it!"
Blonde Russian,Then we have no choice. We have to move up the attack.
Chris,"I understand, comrade."
Blonde Russian,Prepare yourself. We detonate the bomb... within the hour.
Cartman,"Kyle, I'm at the Clinton rally site, but there's no sign of that kid!"
Kyle,So then maybe you're wrong.
Cartman,"Nope, I'm not wrong. He must be somehow attacking remotely from his house. Did you find the address?"
Kyle,Yeah. I cross-referenced his MySpace page with realtor.com. His parents moved into that green house on Janice Street.
Cartman,"Jesus, that's on the other side of town. All right, Kyle, I'm going to take a picture with my camera phone and upload it to you. You ready?"
Kyle,Yeah.  What is that?
Cartman,It's my balls!
Kyle,God damn it Cartman!
Cartman,"Okay. Okay, Kyle, let's stay focused here."
Mayor McDaniels,"People of South Park, it is my honor to introduce a woman who deserves nothing but respect. Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton!"
Hillary,It is so nice to be back in a small town like the one I came from.
Hildog Fan,Here we go!
Brian,"Otis Green, anything on that bomb threat?"
Otis,"We have the bomb-sniffing pig going through the crowd. If there is a bomb, the pig will find it."
Hillary,This is why I campaign in small towns like these! Because it is in towns like South Park that you find the true America!
Aide 3,"Oh my God, she got a scent!"
Brian,What?!
Aide 3,The pig is picking up the smell of nuclear residue. Terrorists have hidden a bomb!
Brian,Oh my God! Where?! Where could they have stashed it?!
Aide 3,"Come on, find it. Find!"
Brian,"My God, they hid it under the stage?!"
Female Aide,"No wait, look."
Hillary,"How much money do we have to waste on needless spendin' when we should be focusing all our attention on... uh...  on the education of all- Woo haha, whoa there, girl. Haha,  uh, uh, on the education of all children.  Oh, I declare!"
Otis,Oh my God. Do you think they could have hidden a nuclear device up Mrs. Clinton's...
Agent,"Mr. Thompson, the kid who called in the warning was right! We uncovered intel that terrorists have obtained a nuclear device, and that they have most likely hidden it in Mrs. Clinton's... well, in her..."
Mr. Thompson,In her what?
Agent,"In her snatch, sir."
Mr. Thompson,What?!
Hillary,What is goin' on? I wasn't finished.
Brian,"Security measure, Mrs. Clinton. Probably nothing.  Yes."
Mr. Thompson,"Mr. Jeffries, this is Alan Thompson with the CIA. We have reason to believe that Mrs. Clinton may have a nuclear device up her snatch."
Brian,A what?!
Mr. Thompson,A snatch. It's the technical term for vagina.
Brian,"No, I mean what kind of nuclear device?!"
Mr. Waters,"Mr. Jeffries, this is Frank Waters. It's a suitcase nuke, designed to fit in a woman's snizz. It's called a snuke."
Hillary,"What is goin' on, Brian?"
Brian,"Ms. Clinton, it appears that terrorists have snuck a snuke up your snizz."
Hillary,Oh my.
Brian,What do we do? Can we disable the timer?
Mr. Thompson,It won't have a timer. Snukes are detonated remotely. Whoever our terrorist is has a detonator with him.
Brian,But then that means...
Mr. Thompson,"Yes. If we don't find that detonator, everyone in the town of South Park is going to die. For-ever."
Mr. Thompson,Do we have that phone trace?
CIA Vice Head,"The call is going through now, sir."
Cartman,Yeah?
Mr. Thompson,This is CIA head Alan Thompson. We spoke before about the-
Cartman,"Yes, Mr. Thompson?"
Mr. Thompson,"Well, we've just arrived in your town."
Cartman,Why? Did you find something?
Mr. Thompson,Yes. There's a suitcase nuke in Ms. Clinton's snizz.
Cartman,A snuke?
Mr. Thompson,That's right. It's controlled by a remote detonator. We have to locate the terrorist before he sets it off.
Cartman,I have the address of the house the terrorist moved into. I'm almost there now; where are you?
Mr. Thompson,"We're on the town's main street, right by an ice cream shop."
Cartman,"Oh dude, I'm, I'm right next to you."
Mr. Thompson,"Oh, hey."
Stan,"Dude, we totally got let out of school."
Kyle,"I know. Something big is going on. Take a look at this. I did a Google search for ""Hillary Clinton Campaign Rally"" right? And one of the links was to YouTube, where this Russian guy had a bunch of videos."
Stan,Russian?
Kyle,"Yeah, this guy.  Vladimir Stolfsky. He had videos on YouTube of every single rally."
Stan,So he's a Hillary Clinton fan.
Kyle,"No. I cross-referenced his YouTube profile with MySpace, and according to his blog, he's an old-school Communist. So what's he doing at every Clinton rally?"
Stan,Do a WebCrawler search: maybe he has podcasts up somewhere.
Kyle,Oh that's a good idea.
Mr. Hakeem,What is going on? What have we done?
Mr. Thompson,They claim they don't know anything about an attack.
Cartman,Big surprise!
Police Officer,"Sir, first pass of the house, we didn't find a snuke detonator anywhere."
Mr. Thompson,"Mr. Hakeem, where is your son?"
Mr. Hakeem,We thought he was at school. He's not at school?
Brian,"You're doing great, Ms. Clinton."
Hillary,"Do they know how long, Brian? How long before the snuke in my snizz goes off?"
Brian,"They'll find the detonator, Hildog."
Aide 3,"We can't wait for them to find the detonator. If we can get to the bomb, me-maybe we can deactivate it. Can't somebody go and take a look inside Mrs. Clinton's snizz?"
EOD Leader,I'm not sending any of my men in there.
Chris,Are you almost ready to set off the bomb?
Vladimir,Everything is set. We have the detonator up and running.
Agent 2,"Mr. Hakeem, we need to know where your son is!"
Mr. Hakeem,"I tell you, I do not know."
Agent 2,"This is getting us nowhere. If he knows anything, he's not saying."
Cartman,Let me have time with him.
Female Agent,What are you going to do?
Cartman,We have to find that detonator! Let me have time with him!  You will tell me where your son is!
Mr. Hakeem,He should be at school!  Hey!
Cartman,Where is the detonator?!
Mr. Hakeem,Wuh-what detonator are you ta-
Cartman,I can do this aaall day.
Mr. Hakeem,I don't know anything about a-  Aawwwwgh  Stop it! Really!
Cartman,You can make it stop!
Mr. Hakeem,I don't have the-
Female Agent,Are we just gonna let this go on?
Kyle,"Okay, I got a text of the Russian guy's podcast. It's all a bunch of links to eBay."
Stan,You should be able to search his username on eBay and see what he's been buying and selling.
CIA Vice Head,"Ferris, set up over there. Two of you can take that bed area."
Kyle,Hey.
CIA Vice Head,"Donner, take over that station."
Kyle,What's going on?
CIA Vice Head,This apartment is being absorbed by Homeland Security!
Kyle,...Homeland Security?
CIA Vice Head,"Look, your little game of goin' over people's heads is over! You could still work, but from now on you answer to me, you got that?!"
FBI Leader,"'Scuse me, who's in charge here?!"
CIA Vice Head,I am!
FBI Leader,Yeah well not anymore you're not. This apartment has just been assigned to the FBI.
CIA Vice Head,That's outrageous! On whose orders?!
FBI Leader,"On order of the Secretary of Defense! You had your shot, now I'm in charge!"
ATF Leader,"Not anymore you're not! Orders just came down from Central! They want ATF handling this on all fronts! All right people, from now on you're answering to me!"
Secret Service Leader,Not anymore they're not! Orders from the President: he wants this handled by his staff personally! Now Nelson is in charge.
Nelson,Not anymore I'm not!
Mr. Hakeem,What are you going to do to my wife?!
Cartman,Nothing... if you tell me where your son is!
Mrs. Hakeem,We told you: we don't know.
Cartman,Do you know what this is?!  This... is apple juice. It gives super bad farts.
Female Agent,Did he just inject himself with apple juice?
Cartman,Where is your son?!
Mr. Hakeem,She doesn't know either.
Mrs. Hakeem,Aaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaah!
Mr. Hakeem,I mean it! Stop! That is disgusting! Where is your mother?!
Cartman,Answer it!
Mrs. Hakeem,Hallo? Hallo Baahir. Where are you? Who it But-ters?
Cartman,Butters.
Mrs. Hakeem,"Baahir, one of your classmates is keeping us hostage.  Aaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaah!"
Mr. Hakeem,Ogh! You filthy little rapscallion!
Cartman,We got him! I know where he is!
Female Agent,"All right, where? We'll send our people in."
Cartman,"No no, he's my lead."
Mr. Thompson,You're not going alone.
Cartman,You blow in there and you risk taking him down without finding the detonator! I'm going to find out where it is!
CIA Leader 2,"All right, people, I'm in charge now and we will find the terrorists. Jarvis, I want you to check for any terrorist chatter on AOL. Marley and Greggs, try searching for nuclear devices on askjeeves.com."
Kyle,Ask Jeeves? Nobody uses Ask Jeeves! Just Google-search it!
CIA Leader 2,Are you tellin' me how to do my job?
Kyle,Yes. There's a Russian guy named Vladimir Stolfsky who's got search engine hits all over this thing.
CIA Leader 2,"Chase, search the name Stolfsky on YouTube and cross-reference it with JDate!"
Chase,Checking.
Stan,"Look, these Russian guys all have blogs talking about this like it's just some big diversion for something much bigger!"
Female Agent 2,"Sir, these kids are right. We've just received intel that Russian terrorists are believed to be responsible for the threat."
CIA Leader 2,Where's the intel from?
Female Agent 2,We just read it on Drudge Report.
Kyle,"Look, we already have the guy's blog. Maybe we can find an address and check it out on MapQuest."
CIA Leader 2,We do this my way! I'm the one in charge!
Kyle,...Not anymore you're not.
CIA Leader 2,"Oh, snap."
Butters,"Whoopee! I captured another one of your pieces, Baahir."
Cartman,Uuugh!
Butters,Oh hey Eric.
Cartman,Where is the detonator!
Baahir,The what?
Cartman,You have exactly five seconds before I start dropping serious apple juice farts on your face! One!
Baahir,Leave me alone!  Upta!
Butters,"Hey, I was about to win!"
Cartman,"Stop, terrorist, or I will shoot you!"
Terrorist #1,Get in the van!
Cartman,"Uh, that's cool. I'm actually not... playing anymore."
Terrorist #1,Get in the van!
Aide 3,"That's it! We don't have a choice anymore! Somebody is going to have to go in, and try to disarm the snuke manually!"
EOD Leader,"No, it's too dangerous! That snatch has not seen action in over 30 years! It could be toxic!"
Brian,I'll do it! I'll check out Ms. Clinton's snizz.
Cartman,Let me go! Please! I am just a little boy!
Vladimir,You called and warned the government of our plans! What you don't know is that we are simply mercenaries! We were paid to set up the snuke so that the real enemy of America could attack!
Cartman,That's cool. I'm fine with Muslims invading.
Vladimir,Do you really think Muslims are behind this terrorist threat?!
Cartman,"Uhh yes, of course?"
Vladimir,"America had other enemies before the Muslims, you know. Who is America's oldest enemy?"
Cartman,The Russians?
Vladimir,Before that.
Cartman,The Germans?
Vladimir,Before that.
Cartman,The Germans again?
Vladimir,Before that! I am talking about the oldest threat to America! The greatest enemy America has ever known!
Cartman,You can't possible mean...?
Captain,"Two hundred years we've waited. Finally. We will get those traitors to the Crown!  Yes, Your Majesty?"
Queen Elizabeth II,The Russians are ready to set off the diversion. Full sail.
Captain,"Full sail, Your Majesty?"
Aide 3,"All right, Brian, this is it. Get in there and see if you can disarm the snuke in Ms. Clinton's snatch."
Brian,All right. I'm nearing her snizz now.
EOD Leader,God help him.
Aide 3,"What do you see, Brian?"
Brian,It's dark... cold...
Aide 3,"You're doing fine, Brian. Get as close as you can... Y-you have to look inside the snizz."
Brian,"Uh, uh, all right, I'm looking. Yes, I see... I see the device!"
Aide 3,"You're doin' great, Brian. Hang in there."
Brian,"There's um, metal housing... some kind of three-pronged triggering mechanism that... Wait there's... there's something else here! There's something..."
Aide 3,"Say again, Brian."
Brian,"There's something perched on the snuke's coil... Oh God, it's looking at me!"
EOD Leader,"Brian, get out of there!"
Brian,Wha... what are you?! I have no qualm with you! Stay back! Stay back I- agh! Aaagh!
EOD Leader,"Brian? Brian, what's happening?"
Brian,It's... eating my head! It's eating my head!
Hillary,Hoh my!
Kyle,"I got it! I got it! According to PayPal, the Russian guys are just hired mercenaries who had ads up on Craig's List and got paid through eBay so that Boston could be attacked by... the British."
Female Agent 2,The British?
Agent 4,Loyalist Red Coats!
Chase,"Sir, I found the Russian's eHarmony account! It does list an address in South Park!"
Kyle,All right! MapQuest the address!
Chase,I'll use Google Maps. It has live traffic.
Kyle,Good thinking
CIA Leader 2,"Sir, we have the terrorists' location. IM'ing you now."
Vladimir,"It was good knowing you, comrade."
Baahir,Please. Think about what you are doing. The British are just using you; you're going to die.
Vladimir,"Yes, but we will be rich."
Agent,"Left flank, prig prang and clear! Go go go!"
Mr. Thompson,The game is over! Get down on the ground!
Vladimir,How did they find us?
Mr. Thompson,We know about everything! Your diversion to help the Red Coats is over!
Vladimir,It doesn't matter. The detonator is on a timer. You are too late! In three minutes!  What the hell?!
Agent,The power went out!
Mr. Thompson,Well so then what time is it?
Vladimir,Oh crap.
Mr. Thompson,Take 'em down!
Vladimir,No! I don't want to die without being paid!
Mr. Thompson,"The detonator is secured, general. You are cleared to proceed."
Captain,The Rebel Americans know of our attack?!
Soldier,How?
Captain,Fire at will!
Queen Elizabeth II,Yes?
Captain,"Your Majesty, the attack has failed. We were... unable to end the American Revolution."
Queen Elizabeth II,I see.
Mr. Thompson,"Well, looks like we saved our country from British rule once again."
Kyle,"Yeah. It just proves we need to learn not to profile one race of people. Because, actually, most of the world hates us."
Cartman,"Well Baahir, I was thinking that maybe I owe you an apology."
Baahir,Really?
Cartman,"Yes, but then I realized that, technically, I don't. Because by being suspicious of you I saved your life and everyone else's. So really, you owe me an apology. But that's cool."
Kyle,"...You didn't save everyone, I did! You were just out harassing Muslims!"
Cartman,"But if I hadn't called you in the first place to check out the Muslim, you would have just stayed in bed sick all day, right?"
Kyle,...Maybe.
Cartman,"Maybe? If I hadn't called you, you wouldn't have been on your computer checking out the Clinton rally. That means my intolerance of Muslims saved America."
Kyle,...That is so missing the point.
Cartman,"Me being a bigot stopped a nuclear bomb from going off, yes or no?!"
Kyle,"The-that's not the right way to look at it, I-"
Cartman,"Yes or no, Kyle?!"
Kyle,No! ...Not... not like you're saying.
Cartman,"But that's all I'm saying: today, bigotry and racism saved the day. Baahir, you get this, right?"
Mr. Hakeem,Baahir! Get away from that disgusting child! Get back home and start packing your things! We are leaving this whole intolerant country!
Butters,Awwwww.
Cartman,"Okay. Who got rid of the Muslims, huh?  That was all me. Simple thank you will suffice."
Randy,"...In my Easter Bonnet, with all the frills upon it, I'll be the grandest lady in the Easter parade."
Randy,"Look at that one, huh? Half purple and half yellow with a chikadee sticker. I'm good."
Stan,"Uh, can I ask a question? Why do we do this?"
Randy,"Wha... what do you mean, ""Why do we do this?"" It's Easter!"
Stan,"Right, so, why do we color eggs?"
Randy,"Wulll, ssso that the Easter bunny can hide them."
Stan,"Yeah, but why?"
Randy,"Stanley, Easter celebrates the day that Jesus was resurrected after being crucified for our sins."
Stan,So we dip eggs in colored vinegar and a giant rabbit hides them?
Randy,That's right.
Stan,"You don't see the missteps in logic with that?  Look, I'm just saying that somewhere between Jesus dying on the Cross and a giant bunny hiding eggs there seems to be a, a gap of information."
Randy,"Stanley, just dye your Goddamned eggs!"
Stan,I don't feel like coloring eggs! I don't get it!
Randy,What is wrong with him?!
Sharon,"Well, he's just getting older, Randy. Maybe he's figured out the Easter bunny isn't real."
Randy,You know so little!
Cartman,"And I want a Baltor soldier doll for Easter, and five Crash'n'Go RC cars, you got that?! Do you have that?!"
Mall Bunny,"Ahh, don't you think that's-"
Cartman,"Nono! You don't ask me questions! You are a rabbit! I am a human. So if you don't bring me what I want for Easter, I can fucking kill you!"
Aide,Smile!
Cartman,"Bye, Easter bunny!"
Mall Bunny,Oh my God.
Stan,"All right, can you explain to me what's going on?"
Mall Bunny,Huh?
Stan,What is the deal with the coloring the eggs and you hiding them and all that? What does that have to do with Jesus dying on the Cross?  It is symbolic? Are you trying to reference something that happened in Biblical times?  Answer me!
Mall Bunny,"Look, kid ahh, I'm j-, I'm just a guy in a costume."
Stan,I know that! But I figure you must have some knowledge of what Easter's about if you're playing the Easter Bunny at the mall!
Mall Bunny,"Huhuh, Easter's just Easter. Just, just go with it, kid."
Stan,"No, I'm not gonna just go with it! I'm gonna find out what's behind all this!"
Mall Bunny,"I need a break. Can I have a break?  We have a problem. Somebody's onto us. Yeah, he's askin' a lot of questions. Only a matter of time before he finds out what Easter's really about. Yes, I understand what must be done. Call the others."
Stan,Mom? Dad?  Anybody home?
Randy,"Not now, Stanley, I'm on the toilet!"
Stan,Dad! You've gotta help me!
Randy,"Hang on, I'm taking a crap."
Stan,Dad! There's Easter bunnies chasing me!
Randy,What?
Stan,"They chased me from the mall! I don't know what they want!  They're coming in! Dad, open the door!  Dad?"
Randy,"We... need to talk, Stan.  Ih, it's okay guys."
Gray Hare,Randy?
Randy,Yeah. 'Cause it turns out the kid we're after is my son.
Purple Hare,Ohhh.
Randy,Tell the Grand Hare everything is okay. I'll take it from here.
Randy,"I wanted to keep this from you, Stan. I really wanted to wait until you were older but... you just had to keep asking questions!"
Stan,Why were those other rabbit guys chasing me?!
Randy,"We have to be careful when we think somebody's onto us.  We are all part of a secret society, Stan. A very ancient, very important society of men who follow the way of the Rabbit, and protect the secret of the Easter bunny. We are called... the Hare Club For Men."
Stan,Does Mom know about this?
Randy,"Duh, it's the Hare Club For Men. Chicks wouldn't understand."
Stan,I don't understand!
Randy,I belong to a secret society that has been around for thousands of years! Our identities have to be protected!
Stan,"Could, could you, take off, the ears, please?"
Randy,"Stan, you don't seem to understand how serious this is! The secret of Easter that we protect is something that could rock the foundation of the entire world!"
Stan,So what is the secret of Easter?
Randy,"I can't tell you. You have to be allowed into the Society first, but... but perhaps... it's time."
Randy,"I always knew this day would come, when my son would be brought into the society. Reminds me of the day I was brought in by my father."
Stan,Grandpa's in it too?
Randy,Of course. Marshes have been in the Hare Club For Men for generations. All the way back to the beginning.
Stan,"Dad, do I have to wear this bag over my head the entire time?"
Randy,"You aren't a member yet. You can't know where our secret meetings take place. We're going to a distant location, an old building near a lake about 40 minutes away."
Stan,You mean the old Galveston Lodge?
Randy,Dammit.
Hare 1,Hey Bill.
Hare 2,Evenin' Marcus.
Hare 3,"Heh heh hey, look at you!"
Hare 4,Hey everybody.
Hare 5,"Stan Marsh, welcome! You must be very excited."
Stan,Must I?
Marvin,There he is! There's my grandson!
Stan,Hi Grandpa.
Marvin,"I'm proud of ya, Billy."
Stan,...Stan.
Pink Hare,"Tonight, we determine if a new member is worthy of protecting the Secret. Bring out... the rabbit."
Hares,"Sanctum Piter oteum, Deus ore uneum.Hippitus hoppitus reus homine.In suspiratoreum, lepus in re sanctum.Hippitus hoppitus Deus Domine."
Pink Hare,"All hail the cute rabbit, Snowball!"
Hares,Hail Snowball.
Pink Hare,"Stan Marsh, are you ready to hear the secret of Easter?"
Stan,Yeah.
Randy,"Are you sure, son? Once you hear the secret, you will be bound to The Hare Club For Men forever."
Stan,"Yeah, I wanna know already."
Pink Hare,"Very well. At the Last Supper, Jesus Christ met with his 12 Disciples. It was there that-"
Gray Hare,They found us!
White Hare,Protect Snowball!
Brown Hare,They're everywhere!
Randy,"Come on, we've gotta go!  Stan, take Snowball and get out of here!"
Stan,Where am I supposed to go?
Randy,Just get out of here!
Layman,Where is the rabbit?!
Hare 6,Where are you taking us?
Hare 7,No! I'm not goin' anywhere!
Stan,Jesus Christ!
Layman,Who did you give the rabbit to?!  Search the area! The boy could not have gotten far!
Stan,Oh no...
Stan,Help.
Kyle,What happened?
Stan,My Dad's in a rabbit-worshiping cult called the Hare Club For Men they protect the secret of Easter but before they said what it was they were attacked by ninjas and put me in charge of Snowball.
Kyle,...I'm kind of finger painting right now.
Stan,"Dude, they took my Dad away. They even shot one of his fellow hares. And now they're after me!  Do you know anything about Easter? What is the connection between Jesus and rabbits and colored eggs?"
Kyle,"Dude, I'm Jewish. I have no idea."
Randy,"Nelson.  Nelson? Nelson, say something."
Nelson,My legs. I... I think they're broken.
Randy,"Nelson, do you know where we are? Where did they take us?"
Nelson,Don't know... we traveled for hours... kept blacking out...
Randy,You...
Kyle,"Hi, we'd like to speak to a  Professor Teabag?"
Butler,What is it in regard to?
Kyle,The history of Easter.
Teabag,"Sorry boys, it's a little late for me to be giving lectures."
Stan,Please? Do you know anything about the Hare Club For Men?
Teabag,The Keepers?  The Guardians of the Secret?
Stan,My Dad is in it. This... rabbit is too somehow.
Teabag,Come on in.
Teabag,The Hare Club For Men has been around for centuries. One of its most famous members was Leonardo da Vinci.  Behold the Last Supper. The dinner Christ had with his disciples the night before he was crucified. What food do you see on the table?
Stan,Just bread...
Teabag,Really? Look to Jesus's right.  The food which is a little different color than the others.
Kyle,It kind of looks like... an egg.
Teabag,Yes. The egg marks the secret. It lies directly in front of...  Saint Peter.
Kyle,Who is Saint Peter?
Stan,He was the disciple that Jesus made into the first pope.
Teabag,"Eggsactly. But there's something the Church didn't tell you. In actuality, Peter wasn't a man at all. Saint Peter... was a rabbit."
Kyle,Peter Rabbit.
Teabag,"Of course, the Church wouldn't allow da Vinci to paint Peter as a rabbit, so he painted him as a man, but left clues. Look closely."
Kyle,I don't see it.
Teabag,Look closelier.
Stan,He looks like a guy.
Teabag,"Look more closelier.  With laser technology we can look beneath the paint, the way da Vinci originally painted it.  That... is Saint Peter.  The original Pope of Christianity."
Kyle,I don't believe it.
Teabag,"Proof is everywhere. Look at the Pope's hat.  It makes no sense, except that it was originally designed...  for a rabbit."
Stan,But why would Jesus want a rabbit to run his church?
Teabag,"Because Jesus knew no one man could speak for everyone in a religion. Men can be intolerant; rabbits are pure. But the Catholic Church buried the truth, put a man in charge, and the Hare Club For Men has been decorating eggs ever since to keep the secret in da Vinci's painting alive."
Kyle,So... the Vatican took Stan's dad?
Pope Benedict,You dare to mock God by telling people St. Peter was a rabbit?
Randy,You monster! You have no right to wear that hat!
Pope Benedict,Trying to tell people that St. Peter was a rabbit is blasphemy! You must admit you are wrong or burn in hell!
Randy,It's saying stupid things like that that made Jesus wanna put a rabbit in charge.
Layman,"I'm sorry I couldn't bring you the rabbit, Your Holiness, but they know where it is!"
Pope Benedict,The rabbit you call Snowball is a threat to Christ's Church. Where is the rabbit?!
Randy,"I don't know! And even if I did know... well, I'd probably tell you because I don't wanna be here anymore."
Layman,Take him to be tortured!
Pope Benedict,"Tortured, huh, but Bill, all this... torturing and ninjas, it just doesn't seem very Christian."
Bill,"You asked for the help of the American Catholic League, let us do our job! Take him!"
Randy,"No! No, you bunny-hating bastards! Don't do this!"
Stan,I don't get it. Why would the pope be holding my Dad hostage for Snowball?
Teabag,"I believe Snowball must be a direct descendant of St. Peter himself, and therefor the true heir of the pope's throne."
Butler,Mr. Teabag! Get out!
Stan,They found me!
Teabag,"Boys, get out of here!  Head to the woods! I'll try to buy you some time."
Bill,Check upstairs!  Upstairs clear! Try the office!
Ninja 1,In here!
Ninja 2,What's that?
Ninja 1,PEEEEPS!
Kyle,So what now?
Stan,If the pope has my Dad... I have to give him what he wants.
Kyle,You aren't just gonna hand Snowball over?
Stan,"What choice do I have?! There's nobody left who can help us!  Wait... unless... maybe there is.  Here, hold this.  Jesus, I know we haven't talked in a long time, and I know that every time you appear we end up killing you somehow, but... I don't know what to do. And I could really use your help."
Kyle,I think the rabbit just crapped on my jacket.
Announcer,"Live, from the Vatican, it's our Easter Vigil coverage."
Reporter,"As Holy Saturday comes to an end, the Easter vigil at the Vatican begins. Thousand have turned out to hear the Pope and celebrate the Resurrection.  For this Easter vigil the Pope is also showing his divine grace by feeding the poor, with a massive rabbit stew."
Violet Hare,"NOOO! Noo! No, don't put m-  AAAAAAAAAAH!"
Pope Benedict,"Bill, this seems extreme."
Bill,The child who has the rabbit has to know that we are willing to kill the hostages if he doesn't hand it over.
Italian Cardinal,"Your Holiness, a child has arrived with a the rabbit!"
Bill,Ya see?
Randy,"Oh thank God! Hand it over, Stan! They're gonna kill me! Give them the rabbit!"
Pope Benedict,"Yes, hand it over!"
Stan,"First, you have to promise you won't hurt it! And that you'll let everybody go!"
Pope Benedict,We promise.
Bill,"We swear it, on the cross."
Randy,"Just hand over the bunny, Stan!"
Stan,"Okay, fine."
Randy,"Stanley, why did you do that? I would have proudly died for that rabbit."
Stan,"You said ""hand over the bunny."""
Randy,No! That is not the way we're remembering it!
Bill,Take them into custody!
Stan,"Hey, what the hell!"
Pope Benedict,"Bill, we have zeh rabbit, it's all we need."
Bill,"Don't be soft, Your Holiness! These ""whores"" must be punished in front of everyone!"
Kyle,"You swore on the cross, fatso!"
Bill,Yeah. Too bad for you... it was a double cross!
Randy,"Oh, we should've seen that coming!"
Pope Benedict,"Bill, I'm not sure that double-crossing people is very Christian."
Bill,It is what Christ would've wanted!
Jesus,Who are you to say that?!
Pope Benedict,It... can't be.
"Stan, Kyle",Jesus!
Singer,He is risen. He is risen. Let the voices sing his praises on this holy day. He is risen!
Cardinal,"Jesus, we thought you died. In Iraq."
Jesus,I have the power of resurrection. Or have you forgotten? You all seem to have forgotten a lot of things.
Stan,"Jesus, you did answer my prayer!"
Jesus,"Actually, I was answering the prayer of Nick Donovan."
Purple Hare 2,"Ohh, that's me Neato!"
Jesus,"This is exactly why I put a rabbit in charge of the Church, Benedictus! Because men are so easily led astray. St. Peter was a rabbit. And a rabbit should be Pope."
Bill,Kill him!
Pope Benedict,What?!
Bill,He goes against the Church. He must die!
Pope Benedict,"All right, that does it, Bill. I'm pretty sure that killing Jesus is not very Christian."
Bill,You are soft! Weak! You leave me no choice: take them!
Jesus,What are you doing?!
Pope Benedict,I am the Pope!
Bill,"You are no longer able to fulfill your duties to the Lord!  The Easter vigil will go on as planned!  Every Hare Club member, young and old, will watch as their precious savior dies!"
Jesus,"What is your problem, guy?!"
Bill,Lock up those two Jews!  We'll deal with them later.
Stan,No! No!
Reporter,"A strange turn of events here at the Vatican: Pope Benedictus has stepped down, ushering the new era of... Pope Bill Donohue"
Bill,My people! This Easter I'm gonna start by making our rabbit stew ten times meatier!
Randy,No! Listen! We aren't rabbits!  Oof.
Pope Benedict,"Forgive me, Jesus."
Jesus,We'll never get out in time to stop him!
Kyle,Don't you have any superpowers?
Jesus,"Not as a mortal. Only in death. Wait. That's it. We have no choice, Kyle. You're going to have to kill me."
Kyle,What?
Jesus,Stab me with this.  If I die I can resurrect outside the bars.
Kyle,N-no way! Do it yourself.
Jesus,"Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice here, Kyle!"
Kyle,"Dude, you don't understand, I'm a Jew. I have a few hang ups about killing Jesus."
Jesus,Just make it quick.  Through the neck. I'll arise again immediately.
Kyle,Don't make me do this.
Jesus,"My son, there is no time! Do it!"
Kyle,Eric Cartman can never know about this.
Jesus,"I understand. And Kyle, happy Easter."
Kyle,"Happy Easter, Jesus."
Jesus,Awgh!
Kyle,...Jesus?
Bill,"Behold, no longer will Easter be about bunnies and colored eggs! Kill the rabbit!"
Cardinal,"Sorry, little bunny."
Stan,Snowball!
Tourist,Jesus?
Jesus,Stop! That rabbit is of holy descent!
Bill,Why won't you go away?!
Jesus,One man cannot be the voice of the Church!
Bill,Enough of this blasphemy! I'm the Pope now! That means I am the voice of God!
Jesus,Not anymore. I'm removing you from your position.
Crowd,YAAAY!
Stan,All right Jesus!
Crowd,"Sanctum Piter oteum, Deus ore uneum.Hippitus hoppitus reus homine."
Cardinal,"Your Holiness, what should we tell the world about how to run their lives?  It isn't saying anything."
Italian Cardinal,"Yes, just as a-Jesus intended it."
Randy,"Stanley, I'm so proud of you. You've learned so very much this Easter."
Stan,Yeah. I've learned not to ask questions. Just dye the eggs and keep my mouth shut.
Randy,That's my boy.
Crowd,"In suspiratoreum, lepus in re sanctum.Hippitus hoppitus Deus Domine."
Mrs. Garrison,"Everyone, sit down and shut the fuck up! God damn it!  Stupid ass man! They're all the same!"
Kyle,"Oh God, here we go again."
Mrs. Garrison,"All men care about is sex! I spent two hours getting ready for that stupid date! And when the bastard checks out my body, he just says, ""Hey, did you used to be a guy or somethin'?"" I'm a woman now, so what's it matter?!"
Stan,"Uh oh, this isn't good."
Mrs. Garrison,"Did I say something to you, sugartits?!"
Stan,No ma'am.
Mrs. Garrison,"You boys make me sick! You're well on your way to being men, who only think with their penises! I am assigning all of you weekend homework! You are going to read Hemmingway's book, ""The Old Man and the Sea""!"
Cartman,Have you lost your mind?
Stan,"Dude, we can't read an entire book in one weekend."
Mrs. Garrison,"Oh, that's too bad, dude. Maybe if you boys could keep your penises in your pants once in a while you'd get more done!"
Butters,"But Teacher, my penis never slips out of my pants. Eh-except sometimes when I'm wearin' pajamas."
Mrs. Garrison,"If you do not have an essay written on Monday, then you will fail! Is that clear?!"
Stan,"Dude, how are we supposed to read an entire book over the weekend and write an essay?"
Kyle,Our whole weekend is shot.
Kenny,(What the hell are we going to do?!)
Cartman,"You guys, you guys, relax. We don't have to read the book or write the essay."
Stan,We don't?
Cartman,No. There's people you can hire to do these kinds of things.
Cartman,¿Que paso? ¿Que paso? Looking for work? Sí? Trabajo?
Laborer 1,Yeis.
Laborer 2,"We looking work, sí."
Cartman,"Okay, listen up, Mexicans. We need you to read  ""The Old Man and the Sea"" for us. Comprende? ""The Old Mand Y La Mer""."
Laborer 2,Okay.
Laborer 1,Sure.
Laborer 3,Okay.
Laborer 4,Yeah.
Cartman,"Here. We need you to work together, read the book and write four essays, comprende? La samaraisia."
Laborer 2,Okay no problem. That's no problem.
Laborer 1,"Yeah, we can do that."
Laborer 5,"Sí, la samuraisia."
Cartman,"Okay, gracias."
Stan and Kyle,Gracias.
Stan,"Dude, that is awesome. I had no idea you could do that."
Cartman,"Oh yeah, dude. Havin' Mexicans around totally kicks fuckin' ass."
Mrs. Garrison,They can all rot in hell! Who needs men anyway?! They're God damned arrogant self-centered assholes is what they are!
Woman,"Are you okay, hon?"
Mrs. Garrison,I just hate men is all. It's like all they care about is how hot you look!
Woman,"Yeah, I've never been into men. That's why I work out here. Since it's women only we don't get oogled at or feel self-conscious."
Mrs. Garrison,Tell me about it! I can't even stretch at a normal gym without some guy trying to stare down my vage.
Woman,I'm Allyson.
Mrs. Garrison,"Oh, I'm Janet. Janet Garrison. Sorry I'm so pissed off."
Allyson,"No, I like it. You seem like a very strong woman."
Janet,"Yeah, I've been told that."
Allyson,How come I've never seen you down at the girl bar?
Janet,Girl bar? I never even knew there was such a place.
Allyson,"Oh you'd love it. It's the only bar in town where women like us can hang out and be ourselves. It's called ""Lebow""."
Allyson,"Hi Linda, hi Kate."
Woman 2,Hey Allyson.
Woman 3,Who's the new girl?
Woman 2,Allyson always goes for the butch ones.
Allyson,"Hey Nell. What's up, Tracy?"
Janet,Oowhat a great place. All the girls here seem to know each other.
Allyson,"Yeah. Well, most of the girls here have done each other."
Janet,He-yeah. Done what?
Allyson,You know.  Had sex.
Janet,"Oh my God, this is a lesbian bar?"
Allyson,Yeah. I... thought you understood that.
Janet,Oh jeez.
Allyson,"I'm sorry. I thought you knew what ""girl bar"" meant."
Janet,But I'm not a- ...whoa! Who-o-o-o-oa.
Allyson,"Janet, I'm really sorry. It's just that at the gym you said you didn't like being with men, so I thought you were a-"
Janet,I don't like being with men! They're perverted selfish pigs!
Allyson,Have you... never even... thought... of being... with another woman?
Janet,"Oho goodness no! Of course I haven't. I mean... really I don't even understand how two women can make love. I mean un, unless they just kinda  scissor or something."
Allyson,"There are a lot of ways to make love, Janet."
Janet,I guess I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little ...titillated.
Allyson,Could I... maybe kiss you?
Janet,"Oh, this is wrong! You're another woman; it doesn't make sense!"
Allyson,"Is it wrong, Janet? Let your inhibitions go. Let's just have fun tonight.  No commitments.  Just fun."
Janet,"Oh yeah, scissor! Yeah, scissor me Allyson!"
Allyson,"Janet, you're crazy!"
Janet,"Oh, this is hot scissoring! Ohh! Scissor me timbers!"
Kyle,They'd better be done with the book reports! School starts in 15 minutes!
Cartman,"They'll be done.  ¿Que paso? ¿Que paso?  All right, did you read the book?"
Laborers,"Sí, sí."
Kyle,What was it about? Ih-in case our teacher asks us.
Laborer 1,"Eet starts there the old man, and his job is to catch the feesh, so he get in the boht, to try and catch feesh."
Laborer 2,"Saw he catch the feesh, but the feesh is very strong, so the old man, cannot reel in the feesh."
Laborer 5,So then he fight the feesh. Some more. And he finally catch the feesh.
Kyle,"He catches the feesh so, then he can make money."
Laborer 1,"No, because on the way home, the sharks come and eat the feesh. And so, he no make money."
Stan,"That's it, that's the whole story?"
Laborer 1,Sí.
Cartman,"All right, did you write the four essays?"
Laborer 1,"Sí, we all wrote essays for you."
The Boys,All right!
Cartman,"Okay, let's have 'em."
Laborer 4,Have what?
Kyle,You said you all wrote essays.
Laborer 1,"Well, my ese lives in Miami. I wrote to him like you said, but I don't think he got the letter yet."
Laborer 2,I wrote my ese in Albuquerque.
Laborer 5,"I wrote three eses: my ese back home, my ese in Denver, and my ese in Glenwood even wrote me back. ""Thanks for writing me, ese."""
Kenny,(Uh oh...)
Kyle,"Dude, we're totally fucked now!"
Cartman,Why the hell would we pay you to write your friends?!
Laborer 1,We thought it was kind of strange.
Kyle,"This is your fault, Cartman! Now we're gonna fail!"
Stan,"You guys, school starts in ten minutes!"
Kyle,Son of a bitch!
Stan,"Clyde? Clyde! Heyhey Clyde!  You didn't finish your essay either, right?"
Clyde,"No, I got it done."
Kyle,"Jimmy, did you finish your book report?"
Jimmy,"Yeah. I feel pretty good about it. I finished my whole book report and, I got a really nice letter from my ese who works down at the U-Haul."
Cartman,Crap!
Kyle,We're dead.
Mrs. Garrison,"Hello, class. Here's my little desk , my nice lil chalkboard."
Cartman,"Mrs. Garrison, about our book reports."
Mrs. Garrison,"Oho, that's okay Eric. If you need a little more time with your homework, just say so."
Kyle,Really?
Mrs. Garrison,"Kids, I need to tell you something that you might find shocking.  I'm gay."
Stan,Again?
Mrs. Garrison,"It was a shock to me too. I... met another woman and... we went to this fabulous bar called ""Les Bos"" where I finally felt at home. Allyson and I talked, and really opened up to each other and... then we...  scissored all night long."
Butters,You have to be careful with scissors.
Mrs. Garrison,"But listen, I am not going to just rush into a relationship with Allyson. I'm a late-in-life lesbian. So I need to play the field for a while, right?  Oh I'm so happy."
Cartman,That's great! Let's hear it for Teacher being a lesbian!
Class,Yay!
Mrs. Garrison,Teeheeheehee.
Janet,"Hey Tracy, hey Kate."
Tracy,Hi Janet.
Janet,"Lookin' hot, Linda. Wanna go somewhere and scissor later on?"
Linda,Huh?
Janet,Hey Patty.
Patty,"What's up, Janet."
Janet,"Ooo, stop giving me that look. Scissoring me with your eyes."
Big Woman,"Hey Janet, why don't you pick up on your own girl?"
Janet,"Oh yeah, dyke fight!  You kicked me right in the pussy!  Uh? Oh! Oh, we're scissoring. Oh yeah, scissor!"
Lesbian 4,"You guys. You guys, stop it. Listen to me, everybody. I got some bad news."
Lesbian 5,"What is it, Katie?"
Katie,They're closing down the bar. For good!
Linda,Closing it down? They can't do that.
Lesbian 6,This is our home.
Janet,"Yeah, this is our home."
Katie,"Well it's true, I just talked to the owners. They've sold the bar to Persians."
Janet,Persians?!
Tracy,So where are we supposed to go?
Janet,We aren't going anywhere! We have a history here! Persians are closing this bar over my dead lesbian body!
Janet,"Mayor, this is an outrage! We are being discriminated against as lesbians!"
Mayor McDaniels,You're a lesbian now?
Janet,That's right. A proud lesbian! And our home is being taken away!
Mayor McDaniels,The bar has been sold to Persian club owners. I don't know what you want me to do about it.
Janet,"Forbid the transaction! This is happening all over the country, Mayor. Lesbian bars being bought out, shut down, it isn't right!"
Lesbians,"Yeah, that's right!"
Mayor McDaniels,"I'm sorry, but my hands are tied. The new owners plan to start redecorating the bar tomorrow. You have to be out by then."
Janet,"Have you seen how Persians decorate? They will cover that bar in cheesy blue carpeting, white statues and gold curtain rods to the point that you will want to puke!"
Mayor McDaniels,"Mrs. Garrison, get out of here."
Tracy,"Well, here's to some great times at this place."
Lesbian 7,Yeah. Guess we'll just have to find somewhere else to hang out.
Janet,"Now, come on gals! I can't believe what I'm hearing! We can't just give up!"
Allyson,"Well, what are we supposed to do, Janet?"
Janet,"We stand and fight! When the Persians come we tell them ""We aren't leaving Les Bos."""
Katie,"Actually, it's ""Lebow""."
Janet,"No, it's Les Bos!  We... are Lesbos! And as Lesbos, we cannot just stand and watch as one girl bar after another gets shut dowwwwwn!"
Linda,The Persians have sent somebody to talk to us.
Emir,"Hello, my name is Emir Hadi. My boss sent me over here because he heard that you were upset about us trying to take over the bar."
Lesbian 6,"Yes, we are."
Emir,"Well, we want to assure you that when this place becomes another Club Persh, you will all still be 100% welcome. All they want is to make the place really nice. We're going to put down some lovely blue carpet, and gold curtain rods."
Janet,I knew it! I knew it!
Emir,But you are still welcome to come. My boss wants you to know that you will not be discriminated against in any way.
Janet,Would you allow straight people in? Men?
Emir,Well... we would allow whoev-
Janet,"Choose your next words wisely, Persian!"
Emir,"Look uhh, we don't have to offer you anything, so... I don't know why you're being so difficult. This is crazy."
Janet,"No, this isn't crazy. This... is... Les Bos!"
Emir,Ohhhhh!
Persian,How dare you!
Narrator,"And so it had begun. By kicking the Persian messenger in the balls, the lesbos had sent a message. . All over the country lesbians heard of the brave standoff."
Anchor,As a group of lesbians in Colorado are refusing to allow the new owners of their bar in.
Lesbian 8,Good for them!
Lesbian 9,You go girls!
Narrator,The Persians returned to their office and told their coworkers how the thirty lesbos were refusing to let them in.
Persian 2,"Well fine. If they're going to block the entrance, we'll just bring like, sixty of us! I'll call more Persians for help."
Narrator,"The hours pass quickly, and the lesbians boldly stood out in front of their bar to stop the Persians from entering."
Lesbian 6,Here they come.
Big Woman,There's so many of them.
Janet,Lesbos! Positions!
Persian 2,Lesbians! Stand aside. We're coming in to redecorate it!
Janet,The hell you are! You can take your blue carpet and gold curtain rods and shove them up your Persian buttholes!
Persian 2,All right! Come on! They can't stop all of us! Huuu!
Persians,Huuu!
Janet,Lesbos! Remember this day! Remember this fight!  Don't give them an inch!  Ow! Iranian faggot!
Persian 2,"Come on, seriously, let us in!"
Janet,Never!
Narrator,"For hours, the Lesbos kept the Persians back, holding them off, keeping them from decorating.  Finally the Persians grew tired. and many of them wanted to go shopping for more designer sunglasses. They retreated.  The Lesbos... had held."
Janet,Lesbohhhs!
Lesbians,Huok! Huok!
Narrator,The Persians who did not go shopping now knew they must face their boss.
Persian 2,Here he comes.
Narrator,Rauf Xerxes. He sat atop a gold Hummer with customized Gucci accessories which only a Persian would think was cool.
Persian 2,"Mr. Xerxes, the Lesbos wouldn't move. We could not get inside to redecorate."
Xerxes,"Tumon, how could you have failed me in this simple task? I am so seriously pissed off right now. I could bust a testicle."
Narrator,And with that the Persian club owner came to a realization.
Xerxes,I shall have to deal with these lesbos myself.
Janet,"Girls, I just want to say that I am very proud of you. The way we kept those Persians from takin' over our bar was Les-tastic."
Allyson,"Well that's great, Janet, but what now? We can't just stay here pushing them away our whole lives."
Janet,We can't? I think it's pretty fun.
Linda,We have to have a more solid plan. Something we can use against them permanently.
Lesbian 10,Maybe we can dig up some dirt on the club owner.
Janet,"Hey, that's a great idea, Betsy. We need somebody working on the inside."
Allyson,Whattaya mean?
Janet,"If we could get some Persians on our side, we could send them in to try to dig up some dirt on the owner!"
Allyson,But who's gonna spy on them for us? We don't know any Persians.
Janet,It's okay. There's people you can hire for this kind of thing.
Janet,¿Que paso? ¿Que paso? Looking for work? Sí? Trabajo?
Laborer 1,Yeis.
Laborer 2,"We looking work, sí."
Janet,All right. We need you to infiltrate some Persians who run Club Persh. And dig up some dirt on the owner.
Laborer 2,Okay.
Laborer 1,Sure.
Laborer 3,Okay.
Laborer 4,Yeah.
Allyson,"Janet, how is this gonna work? They don't look Persian."
Janet,"Sure they do.  Just have to- gel the hair, put on a silk shirt, some gold chains, and tons of cologne.  Persian."
Laborer 1,Sí.
Lesbian 6,Wow!
Janet,"All right, Mexicans, take the rest of these outfits and see what you can find out. The address is in there too."
Laborer 1,Okay.
Laborer 5,No problem.
Laborer 2,Yes.
Laborer 4,Sí.
Janet,"And Mexicans, please hurry. Our girl bar has very little time."
Narrator,"A full day passed, and the Lesbos knew a second Persian attack was imminent. Outside, Lesbo lookouts kept watch, ready to alert the others. The Lesbo leader sat nervously inside. Her plan to dress Mexicans as Persians to act as spies - perhaps it had failed. She looked around at her fellow Lesbos. They were tired. In order to keep her Lesbos awake, she had no choice: she would have to make coffee.  With fresh coffee brewed, the Lesbos found new life, but would it be enough?"
Lesbian 6,The Persians are attacking again!
Janet,"Take positions, Lesbos!"
Lesbian 11,Get outside!
Janet,"No wait, wait! That's not the Persians, it's the Mexicans."
Linda,Really?
Allyson,How can you tell?
Janet,Let them through. It's okay.
Laborer 3,"Hola, ¿como estas?"
Laborer 4,Hola.
Janet,Did you uncover anything? Are the Persians doing anything illegal?
Laborer 4,"Ahh, no. They're not doing anything illegal."
Janet,A-are you sure?
Laborer 1,"No, but we did find out a kind of secret about the person in charge."
Janet,"What secret?!  Oh my God, are, are you sure about this?"
Laborers,Sí.
Allyson,"Janet! Janet, the Persian boss is here. He wants to talk to you and you alone."
Janet,It's okay. It's time I met this rich Persian asshole face to face.
Xerxes,Why are you lesbians being so difficult?
Janet,Because we're protecting the only home we have.
Xerxes,I don't know why you have to be all superlame about this.
Janet,"You know, a long time ago when I first realized I was a lesbian, I felt isolated, confused. And finally I found a place that accepts me for who I am."
Xerxes,"Okay, how about this?  I will make you the manager of Club Persh. You'll make good money."
Janet,"That's a generous offer, Xerxes, but you see, there's something I know about you.  I know you're actually a woman."
Xerxes,How..? How did you find that out?
Janet,I hired Mexicans to spy on you! They saw you working out at Curves.
Xerxes,You don't understand. Women can't be the boss in Persian culture. Nobody can know about this.
Janet,"Yeah. And you know why? Because men are all assholes! They make you feel ashamed for being a little... big, or, manly looking.  But not Lesbos. We accept other women for who they are inside!"
Xerxes,You do? Seriously?
Janet,"Have you never... even thought, of being with another woman before?"
Xerxes,No. I don't even know how two women... can make love. Unless they just kind of  scissor or something.
Janet,"Ohh yeah! Scissor me, Xerxes!"
Xerxes,"Ohh, that feels so supercool!"
Janet,"Yeah, scissor!"
Xerxes,"Ohh, I'm a new woman!"
Narrator,"And so it was that Les Bos was saved. The Persians had agreed to keep it a lesbian bar, for no dyke should be without cocktails."
Janet,"Thanks for everything, Xerxes."
Xerxes,"No. Thank you, friend."
Allyson,"Hey, aren't you supposed to be teaching school right now?"
Janet,The school hired a substitute to cover for me.
Laborer 1,"Hand so to find the sum of the two fractions, zhyou must always first check for the lowest common denominator."
Laborer 2,Sí.
Laborers,Sí. Sí. Yes. Yes. That's right.
Laborer 4,Sí.
Stan,These guys are pretty good.
Kyle,Yeah. I think I'm actually learning something.
Cartman,"All right, this time, it's me and Kenny versus you two assholes."
Kyle,Fine.
Stan,"Oh, dude, what's with all the homeless people?  Sir, could you move a little, please?"
Bum,Spare some change?
Cartman,"Aw, dude, he smells like Kenny's house.  Get out of here!"
Kyle,"You guys, that's not cool. These people have nowhere to go.  They don't have food or shelter. We have to do something."
Stan,"Well dude, what are we supposed to do?"
Kenny,"(Yeah, what are we supposed to do?)"
Cartman,"No, Kyle's right, you guys. We should do something."
Kyle,Really?
Cartman,"Yeah. I know what you're thinking, Kyle, and I'm with you. I know exactly what we should do."
Butters,Gather 'round and witness the glory as Eric Cartman attempts to jump his skateboard over the homeless.
Cartman,"Thank you, thank you.  The ramp ready?"
Stan,"Yeah, it's all set."
Clyde,He won't make it.
Kyle,"Excuse me, this isn't exactly what I had in mind!"
Cartman,"All right, here we go! Jimmy?"
Bum,Oh! Aww.
Cartman,Yes! I did it!  I jumped over the homeless!  Yes!
Kenny,(Yehes!)
Stan,"That was a sweet idea, Kyle."
Kyle,"God damn it, that wasn't my idea!"
Mayor McDaniels,"All right, people, we need to come up with answers. There are homeless sprouting up all over town. What are we supposed to do?"
Fire Chief,"Well, I, I short of had an idea."
Mayor McDaniels,"Please, Mr. Valmer."
Mr. Valmer,We could give the homeless all designer sleeping bags and makeovers. At least that way they'd be pleasant to look at.
Other Members,"Oh, that's a good one. Good idea. I like it."
Randy,"Well I was thinking: We could turn the homeless into tires, so that we'd still have homeless, but we could use them, on our cars."
Mr. Valmer,"Ohh, that's a good one."
Mr. Mackey,"Nice one, Randy."
Gerald,Like it.
Aide,That's like recycling.
Mrs. Testaburger,"All right, enough! I find this whole conversation to be extremely offensive! The homeless aren't monsters, they are people, like you and me!"
Randy,"You mean they've adapted, copied our DNA."
Homeless Advisor,"Excuse me. I am the top researcher of homeless studies for Park County. I don't know why more homeless people are showing up in town, but I do know... that we must be extremely careful. If we give them anything, there could be more."
Kyle,"Hi. I've uh...  I've been saving up for a new Xbox game but... but I think you could use the money a lot more than I could. Listen I, I want you to take this.  It's twenty dollars."
Bum,Got any more?
Kyle,"No, that... I thought that was a lot."
Bum,Spare any change?
Kyle,You're welcome.
Kyle,Oh crap.
Stan,"Dude, what are all these homeless people doing in front of your house?"
Kyle,I don't know.
Cartman,There's a bunch outside my house too.
Bum,"Spare any change, sir?"
Cartman,No! Fuck off!
Stan,"I don't get it. My Dad said as long as nobody gave them money, they'd move on."
Kyle,He did?
Cartman,Well this is bullcrap! Somebody has to be responsible!
Kyle,"Well, I... kind of gave a homeless guy twenty dollars last night."
Cartman,You what?!
Kyle,"Oh c-come on, that can't be why they're all here. There has to be another reason."
Stan,"Kyle, what were you thinking?"
Cartman,"Yeah! I can't possibly jump these many homeless people! I won't risk it! I could jump two homeless people, maybe three, but asking me to jump this many is asking me to risk my life, Kyle!"
Kyle,"I don't want you to jump them, retard!"
Bum 1,Spare some change?
Randy,"No, sorry, I don't have any change."
Bum 2,Got any change?
Randy,"No, sorry."
Bum 3,Can you spare some change?
Bum 4,Chaaange?
Randy,Huh! I don't have any change.
Bum 5,Change?
Randy,No!
Bum 6,Change?
Bum 7,Spare some change?
Randy,Leave me alone I don't have any change!
Bum 7,"All right, God bless you, sir."
Randy,"Oh, now I feel bad.  Here!  Ahh!  Hahh!  Nono, that was really all the change I had."
Bum 7,Spare some change?
Randy,I just gave you change!
Bum 8,Change?
Randy,Wahhh! I don't have any more change!  Noo! I don't have any change! I don't have any chaaange!
Gerald,"Okay, that'll be great. Let's also make sure we have enough chairs in the community center for everyone to attend."
Randy,Waaah!  Awwww!  Stay away!  Stay awayhay!
Jimbo,"Randy? Randy, what happened?"
Randy,Stay awa- ...I don't have any change!  I don't have any chaaaahahange!
Announcer,"This is a News 5 Special Bulletin, with Chris Swollenballs."
Chris Swollenballs,"South Park has become overrun with the homeless.  Nearly every square inch of public property is now riddled with homeless, shutting down roadways and making getting around impossible.  Many people are trapped throughout the town."
Randy,Help! Help us!
Stan,"Dude, it's our dads."
Kyle,Oh my God.
Chris Swollenballs,"In the meantime, South Park citizens are being advised to stay indoors and protect their change."
Bum 9,Spare some change?
Chris Swollenballs,What the? You can't be in here.
Bum 9,"Ya got any change, sir?"
Chris Swollenballs,No I don't have any change. How did he get in here?
Bum 10,Chaaaaange?
Chris Swollenballs,"No, please. I don't have any change. Honest I don't. I don't have any-"
Cartman,"You see what you did, Kyle?!"
Stan,"Come on, we have to try and help our stupid parents."
Cartman,They're everywhere!
Aide,What are you boys doing? Get in.
Bum 11,"Spare any change, sir?"
Aide,"Ahhhh!  Come on, let's go!  What the hell were you doing outside?!"
Stan,Our parents are stuck on top of a building in town.
Aide,You aren't getting into town! It's completely overrun with these... things.
The Boys,Ahh!
Aide,"No! I don't need my windshield cleaned! Stop it! Stop iiit!  Look, our only hope is to talk to the homeless researcher out on Travis Street. He understands what's goin' on better than anybody. Just stick with me, kids."
The Boys,Aaahhh!
Kyle,"Holy shit, dude!"
Stan,Over here!  Jump down! Go!
Cartman,"Aw man, it really smells like Kenny's house down here."
Kenny,"(Dude, shut the fuck up about my house!)"
Cartman,"Whoa, Kenny, relax dude. We need to work together."
Stan,"Come on, we gotta get to that scientist's house."
Randy,No sign of anybody else.
Gerald,That's it. I'm gonna make a break for it.
Randy,"Don't be crazy, Gerald. You'll never get through all those homeless people."
Stephen,"And even if you did, what then? You can't drive anywhere."
Gerald,"If I can make it through them, maybe I can catch the bus to Fairplay. I have to try."
Randy,"You won't make it through, Gerald!"
Gerald,Ahh. Ahhhahhahahahh.
Bums,Change? Change sir? You got some change?
Gerald,"Don't have any change... Don't have any change... Damn it! All right, you want change? Here.   There! There's some change. All right, a little bit.  There you go. Take the change.  Oh wait. Wait, now I don't have any change left for the bus. Hold on. Can I just get back some of that change, please?"
Bum 12,"Change, sir?"
Gerald,"Can I have just a little change for the bus, please? I need a little... anybody have some change? Change? Got any change?  Change. Change?"
Stephen,What happened?
Randy,He's become one of them.
Homeless Advisor,"Go away, I I don't have any change."
Stan,Are you the head of Homeless Studies?
Homeless Advisor,Yes. Who are you?
Stan,We think this may be our friend's fault.  He gave one of the homeless twenty dollars yesterday-
Homeless Advisor,Oh my God. Get in here! Tell me what's going on?
Stan,There's a bunch of people trapped in the middle of town surrounded by homeless people. W-we can't get to them.
Cartman,"All right, all right, look! I didn't wanna risk it, but... I think I know what to do. I'll try to jump all those homeless and get to the people on that roof."
Homeless Advisor,Jump them?
Cartman,"I jump the homeless professionally. If you can get me a skateboard, I'll try to jump that homeless crowd and save those people."
Kyle,"Oh, shut up, Cartman. All you did was jump over one homeless guy."
Cartman,I easily could have cleared another thirty or forty.
Kyle,"You barely made it over one, fatass!"
Stan,"Kyle, enough! Cartman jumping more homeless people isn't gonna solve anything right now!"
Kyle,God damn it! I don't want him to jump over more a-
Homeless Advisor,Boys! Boys! I don't think you quite understand how the homeless function. Perhaps you should come downstairs. To my laboratory.
Randy,We don't have any change! Go away!
Linda,"Anything, Stephen?"
Stephen,No. All the phone lines are completely down.
A Man,Hello? Ih-it's Steve Garrett from the library. Pu-please let us in.
Randy,"Find another place to hide, Steve!"
Steve,I I have others with me. We we have nowhere else to go. One woman here is pregnant.
Stephen,We can't just leave them out there.
Steve,"Let us in! For God's sake, they're coming! No! No, I'm sorry, we don't have any change."
Linda,"You have to let them in, Randy."
Randy,There isn't enough food for more people up here!
Steve,Oh God. One of them is a war veteran.  We're gonna have to give him some change.
Stephen,This isn't happening!
Randy,"All right all right, fine!"
Bum 13,"Could you spare some change, sir?"
Randy,Harrrh!
Homeless Advisor,"I've dissected several homeless to see what make them tick. Their anatomy is shockingly similar to ours. See? Everything is there: heart, lungs, kidneys, they're almost identical to us in every way. Except for one.  The homeless... can survive solely... on change."
Bum 14,Change?
Homeless Advisor,They feed on our change. They need it in order to keep them moving
Bum 14,Is that... is that some spare change?
Homeless Advisor,"Somehow they're able to take... our change... and turn it into nourishment, sustenance."
Bum 14,"Spare some of that change, sir?"
Homeless Advisor,But now watch.
Bum 14,Spare some change?
Homeless Advisor,"It has already completely forgotten that I've given it change. It just wants... more, change. Look over here.  This one I've kept deprived of change for over three days."
Bum 15,Chaaaaange?
Kyle,What's it doing?
Homeless Advisor,It's dying.
Cartman,Cool.
Homeless Advisor,I've learned that the nearby city of Evergreen had a homeless problem just before we did. And they were able to stop it.
Gerald,"Excuse me, the front door was open. Can I borrow some change?"
Homeless Advisor,"Oh my God, they're coming in!  Quick kids, get out of here! You can fit!"
Kyle,What about you?
Homeless Advisor,Get to Evergreen and find out how they got rid of the homeless! I'll be all right!
Cartman,"Eh! Stop pushing, Kenny."
Gerald,"Hello?  I I'm sorry, I just really need some change for the bus?"
Bum 16,Change?
Bum 17,Spare some change?
Bum 18,Change?
Gerald,Stop it! I really do need change!
Bum 16,Me too. Change?
Gerald,Change?  Hello? Do you have any change?
Bum,Chaaange?
Homeless Advisor,"Sorry to take the easy way out.  OW! OH, FUCK! OWW!  OHHH! AH! GOD!"
Randy,"No. No, damn it!  That's it. That's it, everyone. We're out of Pop-Tarts."
Jimbo,No. We can't be.
Randy,"Face it, we're gonna starve!"
Linda,"No, no wait, there's still a box over here."
Randy,Those are cherry! Ich!
Head of Public Safety,"Wait, I got a signal! I got a signal."
Gerald,What? You do?
Randy,How? Call the fire department.
Head of Public Safety,"I'm calling my wife!  Mary. Mary baby, are you all right?"
Linda,"Oh, maybe we're gonna be okay."
Stephen,Ask her what's happening.
Head of Public Safety,"Mary, what's goin' on out there? Nobody's coming for us. They what? No! That's impossible. But how can that be? We didn't even-  Hello? Mary.  Mary!"
Jimbo,"What happened, Glen?"
Glen,There's no help coming! She said... because of all the homeless... because of all the homeless in South Park property values have plummeted. I had two liens against my house and so the bank is foreclosing! I don't have a home anymore.
Linda,"Randy, what are you doing?"
Randy,He's homeless now. We aren't safe.
Glen,I'm not like them.
Randy,Not yet. It's only a matter of time.
Linda,"And what are you gonna do, huh? Just blow his head off?"
Randy,If we have to! Siddown Glen!
Glen,"Randy, you can't just-"
Randy,SIT... doowwwnnnn!
Glen,This is crazy. How can they just take away my house? Where am I supposed to put all my things? I don't have a place for all my stuff; where am I supposed to put all my stuff? I'll need to pay for storage. Can I borrow some- money to put my stuff in storage? Come on guys. If you all just help me out a little bit. Each one of you just put in a little... change? Change?
Stan,What the hell happened here?
Man 1,That's far enough! Just march your butts right back out of our town!
Stan,"We, just came to ask a question."
Man 2,You homeless or homeowners?
Kyle,We're nine.
Man 1,"Yeah? Well that makes you homeless, so get out of here before you die!"
Stan,"Look, we just need help with our own homeless problem."
Cartman,Yeah. This Jew here made them take over our town.
Kyle,"Shut up, Cartman!"
Man 1,Cartman? Eric Cartman? The kid who jumped thirty homeless people on a skateboard?
Cartman,Youu heard about that?
Man 2,Heard about it? They said you could have easily cleared fifty homeless with that jump.
Cartman,Thirty was hard enough.
Kyle,"Oh God! It wasn't thirty, it was one! He jumped over one homeless person with his stupid skateboard, and he barely made it over that guy!"
Stan,"Kyle, knock it off! We're here to find out how to get rid of the homeless, not how many homeless Cartman can jump!"
Cartman,"Please, we just want you to tell us how you got rid of the homeless in your town."
Man 2,"Well, that was easy."
Man 1,"The homeless first started arriving in Evergreen about three months ago. At first there were only a few of them, askin' for change, sleeping in the parks. But then more showed up, and we realized there was somethin' different about them. They fed off of our change to the point that they could actually start renting apartments. We knew it wouldn't be long before the homeless actually started buying homes. And then we'd have no idea who was homeless and who wasn't! The people living in the house right next door to you could be homeless and you wouldn't even know!  Nobody could trust anybody! Fights broke out. War!  That's when I started suspecting that  my own wife, who I'd been living with for twenty years, was actually homeless. So I had to burn her. In her bed while she slept.  After she died I vowed I wouldn't let the homeless destroy our town! So we came up with a plan to get rid of them once and for all."
Kyle,"You son of a bitch.  You didn't solve your homeless problem, you just sent all your homeless to South Park!"
Man 1,"That's right, yes."
Stan,What?
Kyle,I knew it! It wasn't because I gave that guy twenty dollars! The homeless all came from here!
Man 1,And it was Texas who sent them to us! People in San Antonio got rid of their homeless by tellin' them what a great place Evergreen was!
Stan,"But then you didn't solve the problem, you just moved it!"
Man 1,Right. But we survived.
Woman,Dehhhnyihhhs!
Dennis,Christine!
Christine,You sonothatitch! You tried to kinn me!
Dennis,"I had to, Christine, you were homeless."
Christine,"No, I wasn't honeless yeh stukid asshole!"
Dennis,"Christine, I can't understand you."
Christine,Yeah! Gecause you durned my yits oth!
Dennis,I nurned your rip sauce?
Christine,No! You durned my yits oth!
Dennis,I have no idea what you're saying!  Ow!
Stan,"Dude, our parents are just as stupid as these people, our town is gonna end up just like this!"
Kyle,"No it isn't. Come on, I have an idea."
Stan,"No no, we're not having Cartman jump any more homeless people, Kyle!"
Kyle,That isn't my idea! I saw a bus in a garage a couple of blocks back! We need to modify it!
Kenny,(What are you gonna do?)
Kyle,We're gonna save our parents before they all kill each other!
Randy,A bus! A bus is coming!
Jimbo,It's the boys! They've modified a bus to get us out of here!
Stephen,I knew they'd come back for us!
Linda,All right!
A Woman,Yeah.
Randy,"Look, Glen. We're saved."
Stan,"All right, I'm turning around"
Stephen,Why are they turning?
Randy,What are they doing?  Don't leave us!
Kyle,"All right, hit it."
Cartman,Let's hope to Christ this works.
Backup Singers,California Love
The Boys,California
Cartman,Is nice to the homelessCalifornianiaSupercool to the homeless
The Boys,In the city
Cartman,City of Santa MonicaLots of rich peoplegiving change to the homeless
Bum,Chaaange?
The Boys,In the city
Kyle,City of BrentwoodThey take really good careof all their homeless
Cartman,They're listening. Let's go!
The Boys,In the city
Cartman,Marina del ReyThey're so nice to the homelessbuilt them port-a-potties
Stephen,They're... they're leading them away!
Jimbo,We're gonna be all right!
Randy,Oh Glen! We made it!
Cartman,California Supercool to the homeless
Gerald,Cha-a-ange?
Cartman,Californiania Idn't on the tona
The Boys,In the city
Cartman,City of VeniceRight by Matt's houseYou can chill if you're homeless.
Bum,Eughuhuh.
Cartman,Yes! That's three homeless! Suck on that! Fuck yeah!
Stan,"Honestly, I don't know what you see in this, Kyle."
Cartman,Big Ring Slammer. Comes with posable neck-smash grip.  That's pretty kewl. Let's see...
Boy,Cock!
Cartman,The Black Jackal. Karate Kick Panel Force and bendable neck-
Boy,"Asshole! Cock! Asshole, shit, shit cock!"
Clerk,"Ma'am, is that your son over there?"
Mom,"Yes, I'm sorry. My son has Tourette's Syndrome."
Clerk,Tourette's Syndrome?
Mom,It's a neurological disorder. He-he can't control what he says.
Clerk,Oh...
Boy,Shiit!  Dumb shiiit!
Mom,"A-alright Thomas, maybe we should go?"
Thomas,All right Mom- Bitch! Ass bitch!
Mom,"Here, let's buy you a nice toy to take home."
Cartman,"Dude, that mom is kewl."
Thomas,Cocknut! Augh... Stupid shit!
Cartman,Are you talkin' to me?!
Thomas,No. Cocknose!
Cartman,"What's your problem, kid?!"
Mom,"Oh, a-I'm sorry.  My... son Thomas has Tourette's Syndrome."
Cartman,What?
Thomas,"Mom, let's just go. Shhhit!"
Mom,People with Tourette's can't control certain tics. It's it's like a sneeze.
Thomas,Asshole ASSHOLE.
Cartman,Wait waitwait whoa whoa whoa. You're telling me there's an illness that makes you blurt out obscenities?
Thomas,"Mom, can we just go home, please?"
Mom,"It's okay, Thomas. They understand."
Thomas,I want tuh go!  Shitfag!
Man 1,Poor kid.
Clerk,Yeah.
Cartman,"All right, hold on just a second here: Are you telling me that if you have this Tourette's Syndrome you can say whatever you want, all the time, and never get in trouble?"
Clerk,It's a neurological disorder; he can't help it.
Man 1,Yeah!
Cartman,Twinkle in my eye.  haha. HahaHAAhahahaha.
Clerk,Hey don't you wanna buy that toy?
Cartman,I don't need the toy! I've found something better!  'Cause I've got a golden ticket! I've got a golden chance to make my way!
Liane,"It started about four days ago, Doctor, and every day he seems to get worse."
Cartman,Puh- pussy!
Liane,Oh...
Cartman,Pussy! Cock! Shit!
Liane,"Oh dear... I was checking out the Internet and ih, it almost seems like his symptoms are like those in something called ""Tour, Tourette's Syndrome""?"
Cartman,"Tourette's Syndrome? What is that, Mommy. Butthole! Titties! Balls!"
Doctor,That doesn't seem likely. Tourette's is a hereditary disease; it doesn't just suddenly start.
Cartman,...Cocksucker!
Doctor,"...On the other hand, Tourette's does often develop later in a child's life, getting progressively worse."
Cartman,"Oh wuh, well that's it! Shithead! Asshole! Mexican sticky balls!"
Liane,"Oh Doctor, can you help him?"
Doctor,We don't know very much about Tourette's I'm afraid. But we will give your son all the help we can.
Cartman,"But what about school, Doctor? The teachers and the principal, they won't understand that I can't control what I say."
Doctor,"Don't worry, young man. We'll make sure everyone understands your disease and gives you the compassion you deserve."
Cartman,"Ohohh, that's awesome. Thank you. Faggot!"
Cartman,"Shit! Butthole!  Hey Wendy. DUMB BITCH! Uh, sorry.  Titties! Cock!  Ginger retard! Asslicker dickface!"
Kyle,"Dude, you'd better watch it. The principal's right over there."
Cartman,"Uh, Good morning, Principal Victoria. Shitballs!"
Principal Victoria,"Good morning, Eric."
Kyle,"Did Cartman just say ""shitballs"" to the principal?"
Butters,"Huhyou didn't hear? Well Cartman has some, mental disease called Tourette's Syndrome or somethin'."
Kyle,What?
Craig,"He's the luckiest kid in the world. If I could say ""shitballs"" to the principal I'd be sooo happy."
Cartman,"Uh excuse me, excuse me everyone I, I guess you might have noticed my awkward tics. Asshole! Pussy asshole!  Ach, augh, I just want you to know that I can't control it."
Principal Victoria,"It's okay, Eric. We all understand and we think you're very brave."
Kyle,He's faking.
Cartman,"Ahahahaha, ayah- Excuse me everyone, I need to have a moment alone with my good friend Kyle?  Asscheeks!  Kyle, apparently you missed the school assembly yesterday, but I've been diagnosed with a very serious mental condition."
Kyle,"You do not have Tourette's Syndrome, fatass!"
Cartman,"...Oh, okay, you figured me out.  Bravo, Kyle, bravo. Don't you see how awesome this is? It's like, a magic cloak that makes me impervious to getting in trouble."
Kyle,Who cares about saying whatever you-?
Cartman,"Of course, if you want to be Sergeant Buzzkill once again, and spoil my fun because you're jealous you didn't think of it first, well go right ahead, Kyle."
Kyle,"Grrhh, whatever."
Cartman,"Good morning, Mr. Mackey. Asspussy!"
Craig,"If I could say ""asspussy"" to the counselor I would be sooo happy."
Mrs. Garrison,"Okay, so what do we get when we multiply a negative number-?"
Cartman,Dicktits!
Mrs. Garrison,-when we multiply a negative number by another negative-?
Cartman,Shit! Asshole!  'Scuse me.
Mrs. Garrison,"Ih if we apply what we've just learned, we see that all negatives can-"
Cartman,"Spooge, balls, bloody... vaginal... belch!  You guys, don't laugh. It makes me feel insecure about my illness."
Mrs. Garrison,"All right kids, let's just try to focus on learning, okay?  Now all you need to remember here is that negative numbers"
Cartman,Tampon! Tampon DICKshit!
Kyle,Will you knock it off already?!
Cartman,"Kyle, don't you think I wish I could? I'd give anything to be normal like you. KIKE."
Kyle,"Don't push me, asshole!"
Mrs. Garrison,"Kyle, watch your language!"
Craig,"If I could yell ""tampon dickshit"" in the classroom I'd be sooo happy."
Mrs. Garrison,"Principal Victoria, it's just that Eric has become such a distraction I, I don't think I can teach my class anymore."
Principal Victoria,"I understand it's been difficult, Mrs. Garrison, and so, Mr. Donaldson has come from the Tourette's Tolerance and Understanding Foundation."
Mr. Donaldson,Hello Mrs. Garrison-  Ass. ASS.  I want to help your class better understand this illness.  Piss!
Kyle,"No! Up yours, fatboy!"
Cartman,Kyle please! I'm sorry!
Kyle,"Principal Victoria, there's something you need to know! Cartman's Tourette's isn't real! He's faking!"
Mr. Donaldson,Faking?  You think people with Tourette's are faking?!
Kyle,"N-no, I'm just saying that I think-"
Mr. Donaldson,"Do you have any idea how horrible that is to say?  Ass! ASS!  We aren't ""faking"", young man. Trust me, nobody wants this illness, ass.  PISS! PIIISS!"
Cartman,"That's right, Kyle.  Crap-filled vagina!"
Mr. Donaldson,"This is the kind of intolerance you teach at this school, Principal Victoria?!"
Principal Victoria,No.
Mr. Donaldson,"This if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to take this ""bully"" to see that Tourette's is very real.  Piiiss."
Mr. Donaldson,"Kids, today during therapy class we have a special visitor.  ASS!  I, I wanted him to meet all of you so he could try to understand Tourette's"
Teen Boy,Tourette's is like a cough or a sneeze.  Brrrrr!  It isn't contagious like some people think.  Brrrrrrrrr!
Blonde Girl,A lot of people with Tourette's have different tics. My tic  is that I have to bend my neck and snap her fingers. But a lot of people don't even notice it.
Thomas,Aw shit! COCK!
Brunette,"Sometimes it can be embarrassing to have Tourette's, but I  Boop. I've learned I shouldn't be mad at myself."
Mr. Donaldson,You see? These kids can't control their actions. Ass! Piss in the ass!
Kyle,"L-look, I was just suggesting that maybe this one person could control what he said, but just didn't, for fun."
Teen Boy,"Fun?  Brrrrr!  This really isn't all that fun.  Brrr, brrrrrr!"
Thomas,Aw shit!
Brunette,Boop.
Mr. Donaldson,"Piiiss, coming from my aaass!"
Thomas,"Yee-you wanna know about fun? Going to public places knowing you're going to make a fool of yourself. Embarrass your parents  Aw shit!  My dad... finally couldn't take it anymore. He... divorced my mom, s-said he'd still be around, but I only see him at Christmastime now. S-sh-shit! S-sh-shit! The worst part is I know how lonely my mom is. A lot of times I know she'd be better off if I was dead."
Kyle,Dude...
Mr. Donaldson,"Your mom would not be better off if you were dead, Thomas. Even if people like Kyle here think so."
Kyle,"Aw, come on!"
Mr. Donaldson,So then you apologize for what you said before?
Kyle,"Ah I was just trying to... just, just in one instance... No. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Mr. Donaldson,"Well, Mr. and Ms. Broflovski, I think your son has learned a lot, and he appears to be honestly remorseful for making fun of people with disabilities.  Piss! PISS!"
Sheila,Our son is a good kid. He just didn't understand Tourette's was a real disease.
Mr. Donaldson,"Well, I think the only thing left now is for your son to apologize to his little classmate."
Gerald,Well Kyle?
Kyle,I'm sorry.
Cartman,"Oh, what was that? I I couldn't quite make that out, Kyle."
Kyle,I'm sorry.
Cartman,"You're starry? I I don't get what you mean by that, Kyle. You're starry because uh I don't want it?"
Kyle,"I said I'm sorry, you piece of sh-"
Cartman,"Oh, oh, no, don't worry about it, Kyle. Now I understand. I've learned to deal with intolerance. Dumbshit douche bag! And it means a lot that you're standing here apologizing with your dad and lovely mother.  Fat Jew! Jew bitch!"
Sheila,"Oh, thank you Eric."
Cartman,Thank you. Big-nosed kike!
Mr. Donaldson,Well I think we can all put this behind us now.  Piiiss out my aaass!
Cartman,"Yeah. Piss out your ass right onto Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face!  Oh goodness, 'scuse me. Jeez, that was a bad one.  Well, gotta run, everybody. Got some big things in the works.  Isn't having Tourette's awesome?"
Announcer,Next week on Dateline NBC: it's a Dateline special report.
Hansen,"I'm Chris Hansen. You probably know me from To Catch A Predator, where we bust men looking for sex with children."
Hansen,Go ahead and take a seat. Take a seat right over there.
Predator,"Oh God, Whoa no."
Hansen,What are you doin' here?
Predator,"I'm just' bein' stupid, I guess."
Hansen,But now we're switching our focus from pedophiles to Tourette's Syndrome. It all started when I received this touching letter from a brave little boy in Colorado.
Cartman,"Dear Mr. Hansen, I have Tourettes and I want the world to understand what it's like. Won't you do a special report on me so that the world can learn to ACCEPT us instead of just laugh? Donkey Boner!!! Eric Cartman"
Hansen,"This Saturday on Dateline I'll be bringing you Eric's story, live and uncensored, from his home in Colorado."
Announcer,Living with Tourette's: The Eric Cartman Story. This Saturday on Dateline NBC.
Cartman,"Finally, my wish of going public with my illness can come true.  Goddamn Jews! Suck my ass barf!"
Cartman,"Hello, Kyle. Dickhead!"
Kyle,What's this about you going on live television on Saturday?!
Cartman,"Yes. It's all finally come to fruition.  The final cog in my... master plan.  This Saturday I will go on national television, live. I will say ...horrible things on the air.  Despicable things. And people will call me brave."
Kyle,"Cartman, there are people in the world who really have Tourette's Syndrome. This isn't funny!"
Cartman,Not funny? I have free rein to say anything I want and you get into trouble if you try and stop me. Care for a Scotch?
Kyle,...Scotch?
Cartman,"Kyle I've won! No matter how you look at it! I've managed not only to get away with saying whatever I want at school, on the bus, at the dinner table, but this Saturday I will actually say anything I want... on national television. I'm going to blast the Jews, Kyle. I'm going to call them every name in the book, and people will call it brilliant television. They'll probably give me an Emmy."
Kyle,"You are not going to go on national television and spew a bunch of hate speech about Jewish people! I won't let you do it, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Then the game is on, Kyle."
Kyle,"It's not a game, you derelict! And this isn't Scotch! It's apple juice!"
Cartman,"Do you have any idea how liberating it is to say whatever comes to mind? ""Big titties! Buttmunch!"" There's no walls anymore! ""Shit!"" Whatever enters my brain I can just say without thinking about it. ""I wet my bed last night."""
Kyle,What did you say?
Cartman,Uhh nuh-nothing...
Kyle,You aren't gonna get away with this you stupid asshole!
Cartman,Hm. That was... weird.
Mr. Donaldson,"We are here today to congratulate a brave little boy. Tonight, Eric Cartman will go on television and become the spokesman for Tourette's Syndrome.  Piiiss out my aaass!"
Thomas,The spokesman for Tourette's? Oh no...  Cock!
Cartman,"Thanks, everybody. Suck my balls!  You've all been so understanding and supportive of my illness. Jizz farmer dick sneeze. And it is because of you... that I have the courage to go on national television tonight. Titty sprinkles."
Craig,"If I could say ""titty sprinkles"" on national television I would be sooo happy."
Cartman,"And I also just want to say that... I'm making this all up!  Uh, I... I...'m making this all up to you, for putting up with my mental disorder. I cry at night because I don't have a dad.  What the hell is going on?"
Mr. Mackey,"Uhit's okay, Eric. We understand your illness, m'kay?"
Cartman,"No hey ut what, what I meant to say was ""asslicker cumballs."" And uhh,  I'm secretly in love with Patty Nelson. I fantasize about kissing Patty Nelson!"
Patty,Eewwww!
Cartman,"Uhuh, excuse me I, I need a toilet! Bathroom! Bathroom!"
Butters,Uh hey Eric!
Cartman,"Butters, do you think it's possible that you can lose the ability to filter what you say? I mean, if somebody got used to saying whatever came to their mind, could they start saying things that they would normally never say?"
Butters,Wuh who are you talking about?
Cartman,"Uh, my cousin. My cousin one time my cousin and I touched wieners.  Wah!"
Butters,You... you and your cousin touched wieners?
Cartman,I didn't say that YES I DID BUT WHY? Oh! Stop it!
Cartman,"Excuse me! Excuse me, I need to go! I gotta run!"
Liane,"Is there a problem, sweetie?"
Cartman,"No, no problem. I just need to- my cousin and I touched each other's  AAAA no, NAAAA!  I just... no I... I just want to thank everyone for coming- my cousin and I touched wiener- we wiener we, weenter! Winter is a cold time of year.  Ah, I need to be going now."
Mr. Mackey,Well all right Eric. Well good luck on Dateline tonight.
Cartman,Dateline. Right.  I wet my b-AAA! I touched my cousin's WEE-NUH! This sure has been fun! G'bye!
Hansen,"Tonight, an inside look at Tourette's Syndrooome. I'm Chris Hansen. Mmh. I'm Chris Hansen."
Cartman,"Ah, Mr. Hansen? I'm afraid I can't do the show."
Hansen,Why not?
Cartman,"My uh, my grandma just died, so I have to go to Memphis- That's not true. My grandma's fine."
Hansen,Why don't you have a seat?
Cartman,No I just need to get home. I'm not doin' the show.
Hansen,Go ahead and take a seat.
Cartman,But I'm not gonna do the-
Hansen,"Take a seat, right over there.  What are you doing here?"
Cartman,"I'm, I'm telling you that I'm not doing the show?"
Hansen,But you are doing the show.
Cartman,"You don't understand! All of a sudden, I can't control what I say."
Hansen,Well of course you can't control what you say. You have Tourehhtte's.
Cartman,"No! My Tourette's has gotten worse! Before I just blurted out cool stuff about Jews being lame and stuff. But now it's gotten really bad.  So ah I'm sorry, but I'm not doin' the show, that's it. Goodbye."
Hansen,Why don't you take a seat?
Cartman,"Oh, I don't wanna take a seat!"
Hansen,Have a seat.
Cartman,"No, I'm just gonna go-"
Hansen,"Take a seat, right over there."
Cartman,How does he do that?
Hansen,"You know, one tiiime, I was doin' a show called ""To Catch A Predator"". We almost caught this pedophile, but then he raaan from us 'cause he didn't wanna be on Dateline. Se we tracked him down to his hoouuse. And you know what he did? He shot himself.  It'd be a shame if... you didn't wanna go on Dateline. Be a shame if we had to track you down and you ""shot yourself""."
Announcer,"Live, from our satellite studio in Colorado. This! ...is Dateline."
Hansen,"Tonight, an inside look at Tourette's Syndrome. I'm  Chris Hansen. In a few minutes, you will meet little Eric Cartman, who wants the world to understand his affliction."
A Page,"Five minutes, kid."
Cartman,"Jesus Christ. How did I get myself into this?  God? Please uh, I know I screwed up. I should have never pretended to have Tourette's Syndrome, but see, ah I get it now. You can't just walk around saying whatever you want. You gave us a filter because, people don't wanna hear things like ""I touched penises with my cousin!""  Ahaab, ahaabuh. And, and I learned, you especially can't say whatever you want on national television, 'cause, there could be kids watching. Please, God, don't make me embarrass myself on national television. You... must see how this is all somewhat your fault, right? Please, I need a miracle."
Kyle,"Tango, this is Foxtrot. Are you in position?"
Thomas,Copy Foxtrot. Tango in position. Awww shit!
Kyle,You sure you don't wanna back out?
Thomas,"Nono, you were right. The fat kid is faking it! If he goes on TV, more people will think that having Tourette's is fun. Asshole shit!"
Kyle,"All right, then we go with the plan. Just like ""To Catch A Predator"".  The first guy is here. This is probably HotForBoys219."
HotForBoys219,"Hi, are you CuteBilly182?"
Thomas,Yeah. I was chatting with you online. SHIT!
HotForBoys219,"Oh God, I'm so turned on right now. This is your house? Your, your parents aren't home, are they?"
Thomas,"N-no, it's cool. Go on inside. I made brownies. SHIT! I'm just gonna slip into something more comf'table. COCK!"
HotForBoys219,Okay. Cock! Don't take too long.
Hansen,"So now let's meet a child who haaas Tourette's Syndrooome, and who must fi-"
HotForBoys219,"Ho, whoa, wait a minute. This ain't no house."
Hansen,What are you doing?!
HotForBoys219,"Chris Hansen?! Oh no, it's a setup! I knew it!"
Hansen,"Sir, why don't you take a seat, right over there."
HotForBoys219,Now everyone's gonna know I'm a perv! Whoa!
Hansen,"Aw, not again."
Cartman,Kyle?
Kyle,"Surprise, fatass!"
Cartman,"Kyle, what are you doing?"
Kyle,"I went online posing as a boy who would have sex with older men, and told them to meet me here. My plan worked perfectly!  Whoa."
Pedo 2,"Hey, I brought you some Wendy's."
Thomas,"Yeah yeah, go on in. There's a hot tub inside. STUPID SHIT!"
Pedo 2,Score!
Pedo 2,"Oh no, it's Chris Hansen!"
Audience Members,Whoa! Who is that? What's going on?
Hansen,What the hell is going on?!
Pedo 3,"Wait a minute. Oh God, it's Chris Hansen!"
Pedo 4,Chris Hansen!
Pedo 5,Dateline?!
Pedo 6,I knew it!
Pedo 7,There aren't really brownies!
Hansen,Hey! Do you have something to do with this? Answer meee!
Thomas,Stupid shit! Cock!
Hansen,"What?! Nobody talks to me like that! Why don't you take a seat? Take a seat, right over there."
Thomas,Suck it! Asshole licker dickfart!
Hansen,"Fine, you lil- I'll, I'll tell on you!"
Craig,"Wow, you're the coolest kid in the world. If I could call Chris Hansen an asshole-licking dickfart to his face, I would be sooo happy."
Thomas,You would?
Craig,"Could I just like, hang out with you sometime? Like, do your laundry maybe?"
Kyle,"Take a look, fatass! I beat you! You aren't going on Dateline; what have you got to say now?!"
Cartman,Oh thank you! Thank you Kyle!
Kyle,What?
Cartman,"I asked God to send someone to help me, and you came, Kyle! I love you man!"
Kyle,"No, I- I beat you!"
Cartman,"You totally saved my ass, Kyle. You must... really care about me. See you Kyle! I gotta get to a psychiatrist and learn to control what I say!  I got a golden ticket! Thanks to Kyle! I got a golden twinkle in my eye!"
"Thomas, Kyle",Aww shit!
Dr. Doctor,"Well, there's no doubt in my mind, Mr. Marsh. You are constipated."
Randy,Thanks for the news flash! I haven't taken a crap in over three weeks! The question is why?!
Dr. Doctor,"Well, what food have you been eating?"
Randy,"P.F. Chang's, mostly.  Good stuff."
Dr. Doctor,"I'm going to prescribe a laxative.  But I must warn you: when you do finally pass this stool, it might be very painful."
Randy,"How painful is ""painful""?"
Randy,"Oh God. Oh, here it comes.  Whoa, hot! Hot hot! Whoaaa hot hot hot hot hot!  Whoa, whoaaa! Whoa hot! Hot hot hothothothot hot hot!  Dohhhhhhhhhh! Oooh! Oohoo.  Ohhh, it's over. It's over.  Oh God.  I feel so much better. Oh.  Wow... That... is huge. That has got to be the biggest crap I've ever taken. He-... Hey Sharon. Sharon you gotta come see this. Sha-Sharon?"
Sharon,"What is it, Randy? Do you have any-  OH!  Randy!"
Randy,Will you look at that? Is that the biggest crap you've ever seen or what?
Sharon,Flush the toilet for Christ's sake!
Randy,"Come on! That's pretty impressive!  Wha-hey Stan! Stan, look at this."
Sharon,Randy!
Randy,Look what your old man made.
Stan,No way!
Randy,"Huh? Never seen one that big, have you?"
Stan,"No, never."
Shelly,"Gross, Dad, sick!"
Sharon,"All right, will you flush the toilet now?!"
Randy,"I'll try, but I don't think-  wait wait wait wait a minute. I gotta call Jimbo first."
Sharon,Why?!
Randy,Well he's gotta see this.
Sharon,"No, we are flushing the toilet right now-"
Randy,"No! Jimbo has to see it so when I tell the guys how big it was, they'll know I'm not lying!"
Sharon,"Oh, for the love of God, Randy!"
Randy,"Sharon, this is important! Stan, go call your Uncle Jimbo. I'm gonna stand guard."
Randy,Hey guys!
Gerald,Hey Randy.
Stephen,"Oh, hey Randy."
Stuart,Are you feelin' better?
Randy,"Yeah, I-naw, I'm totally fine now."
Jimbo,"You guys shoulda seen the crap Randy took last night! It was honestly, the biggest crap anyone has ever taken. Ever."
Randy,Well I don't know about ever...
Randy,I'm tellin' you this thing was the size of a freakin' football.
Randy,I guess it was pretty big.
Stuart,A football? That's amazing.
Stephen,I've never heard of one that big.
Gerald,"Oh, my brother took a crap once, that was enormous. It was the biggest in the history of the world, I think."
Randy,It wasn't bigger than mine was.
Gerald,"Oh no, seriously, this crap was a monster!"
Randy,Mine... mine was bigger.
Gerald,I doubt it.
Randy,You wanna see it?
Stuart,Oh my freaking Lord.
Skeeter,That did not seriously come out of your ass.
Randy,"Oh yes, it did. Go ahead and check it for splits. It's one solid piece."
Gerald,Jesus...
Stan,"That uh, a little bigger than your brother's there, Gerald?"
Gerald,It's... other-worldly.
Stephen,"Randy, have you called the people from the Guinness Book of World Records? I mean, this might seriously be the biggest crap in history!"
Randy,That's why I gotta make sure to keep it safe.
Sharon,Randy Marsh!
Randy,Aw crap!
Sharon,What the hell do you think you're doing keeping that thing in our house?!
Randy,"The guys agree, Sharon: it could be a record holder."
Sharon,Why are men so obsessed with how big their crap is?!
Secretary,"Guinness World Records America. How can I help you?  The biggest crap? We actually don't keep track of that record, sir.  Because we don't want to.  Look, we get calls from men all the time who believe they took the biggest crap, and we simply can't handle all the measuring and verification.  You need to call the European Fecal Standards and Measurements Office in Zurich.  You're welcome.  Jeez, another one.  Guinness World Records America."
Randy,"Uhh yes, hello. My name is Randy Marsh, and I believe I took the world's biggest crap."
Secretary,You need to call the European Fecal Standards and Measurements Office in Zurich. Their number is listed on their Web site.
Chubby Official,"Herr President, take a look at this.  It is a crap sent to us from the United States."
EFSM President,Very niiice.  Has it been checked for accuracy?
Chubby Official,"It appears to be legitimate, based on the photo. We estimate that the crap is over eight and a half Courics!"
EFSM President,We'd better get on a plane. Right away.
EFSM President,"Hm, enshnusen?"
Chubby Official,Verron snusunarich.
EFSM President,"What was your primary diet for this poo, Mr. Marsh?"
Randy,"Uhh, mostly P.F. Chang's. General Tso's Chicken... Oh and uh, and a lot of uh Aunt Jemima's Frozen Sausage Biscuits in the morning."
Chubby Official,I believe I detect some cabbage as well?
Randy,"Ohh yes, I had a lot of kim chee."
Sharon,You have got to be kidding me.
Randy,"These guys are from Zurich, Sharon! They're Europeans!"
EFSM President,"It is a tremendous crap, Mr. Marsh."
Sharon,For the love of God!
EFSM President,Your crap officially weighs... 8.6 Courics
Randy,Courics...
Chubby Official,The standard measuring unit for human feces. One Katie Couric is approximately two and a half pounds of excrement.
EFSM President,The current record is a crap weighing 7.5 Courics.
Randy,But that means...
Third Official,That's right. You are the new world's champion!
Randy,"Really?! Yuh, you mean, REALLY?!  Hey Stan! I uh- Hey Sharon! Hey everybody!"
EFSM President,"Well, I guess we'd better call the old champion and let him know his record has just been broken."
M. C.,"He has won twenty-two Grammy's, countless humanitarian awards, and is the only person ever to be nominated for an Academy Award, a Golden Globe, and the Nobel Peace Prize. Ladies and gentlemen, Bono!"
Bono,Thank you. Thank you so much for this newest award; it means so much.  Oh. Excuse me. I must be getting another award.  Yes?
EFSM President,"Yes, Bono, sir, we wish to inform you that your record for biggest crap has just been broken."
Bono,What?! That's impossible! How big was it?
Senator,We are here to honor the first American to bring home the distinguished EFSM medal for biggest crap ever taken.
Randy,"Hey look, Sharon, it's the President! He-hey Sharon!"
Senator,"To present the award I give you the dean of the EFSM, Sir Orloff Broloff."
Broloff,"Thank you, Senator. For over a hundred years, the European Fecal Standards and Meas-"
Chubby Official,Herr Broloff! Herr Broloff!
Broloff,"Das shpoitenhoff?  Ahhh ladies and gentlemen, I understand we have just received a special video-taped announcement from Bono!"
People in Crowd,Oh! Bono? Cool!
Broloff,"Could we play the tape on the big screen, please?"
Bono,"Hello everyone! I, am Bono.  For years it has been my honor to try and bring focus to the needs in Africa, and today, I have very exciting news. Last night, at twenty past eight, I took a crap weighing nine and a half Courics."
Crowd,Whoa!
Sharon,Bono?!
Bono,"As you can see, it is one solid piece.  It is my biggest crap to date, and I swear to its authenticity. Thank you, and God bless."
Broloff,"You heard it, ladies and gentlemen! The official biggest crap is... 9.5 Courics! Congratulations to Bono!"
Man,Bo-no! Woo-ooo!
Stan,"Dad, um, I think dinner's almost ready."
Randy,"I almost did it. I almost made something of myself. You know, when you get real close, you start thinking that maybe your life is gonna matter.  I mean, this was something I made! Something that came from me! That was a part of me! The only thing I ever made that was any good!"
Stan,"Gee, thanks a lot, Dad."
Randy,"You're welcome.  And I just,.. I know that this late in my life I'll never come so close to finally having ...meaning."
Sharon,"Come on guys, lasagna's ready."
Randy,"Oh. Lasagna's ready.  You hear that, Stan? Mom says lasagna... is ready! I can see through your sarcasm, Sharon!"
Sharon,What are you talking about?
Randy,"You can say it, Sharon! I know Bono's better than me! I'm sorry I'm not Bono, all right?! Sorry that I don't have... billions of dollars and a Nobel prize nomination!"
Sharon,"Randy, this is ridiculous!"
Randy,"Oh, that's real mature, Sharon! Just act like everything's funny! It's a big joke to you, isn't it?! Just a big joke!  Don't touch me!"
Sharon,Can you believe him?! All this over what guy took the biggest crap!
Stan,"You don't understand, Mom. You just don't understand."
Sharon,Wha? Wha?
Jimbo,How come they just let that Bono guy send a picture of his crap?
Stuart,"'Cause he's Bono, that's why."
Stephen,But he could have faked it. It isn't fair!
Randy,Doesn't matter. He's got the record now; there's nothing I can do.
Gerald,Oh yes there is! You could do it again!
Randy,What?
Gerald,Think about it: you weren't even trying to take the biggest crap last time. Imagine if you actually worked at it!
Stephen,Hey. Hey that's right.
Randy,Nooo. I can't go through all that again. It's too much.
Skeeter,"Come on, Randy. I'll bet you can crap that big again easy!"
Stuart,"With the right diet and training, who knows what you're capable of?"
Randy,"Guys, forget it! It's over! It was a fluke crap; I'll never take one that big again!"
Stephen,"Is it over, Randy?! We all saw that crap you took! That was no fluke! There's something inside you that made you able to do it! Randy, you have a gift. Now who knows why God chose you, but he did! And if you walk away now, you'll always... wonder... how big a crap you could have taken!"
Randy,I would need a lot of help.
Gerald,That's what we're here for.
Jimbo,"Come on, Randy, what do you say?!"
Randy,I say...  Let's give Bono a run for his money!  Yeah!!  YYEEAAHHHH!
Anchorman,"Tonight, a possible attack on Iran may mean the beginning of a new war in the Middle East."
Sharon,Oh no.
Anchorman,"But first, the record for the world's biggest crap: will it again be broken?"
Sharon,Agh!
Anchorman,"Randy Marsh of Colorado is now three weeks into his quest to make a new crap, spending nearly every waking hour at P.F. Chang's. ."
Female Anchor,Is this really newsworthy?
Anchorman,You just don't understand.
Female Anchor,You're right. I don't.
Anchorman,"At the same time, some people are questioning Bono's current record entry, saying nobody has ever seen it in person. Bono could not be reached for comment, as he is currently in Africa helping the needy."
Bono,"Hello, hello."
Broloff,Marsh is attempting to break the record again. We thought you should know.
Bono,He can't beat my nine and a half Courics!
Broloff,Well he's going to try.
Bono,"Fine, but he has to take the crap in front of you! In Zurich."
Broloff,"Bono, we've never had that rule before."
Bono,"I's the only way you can know 'e's not cheating! If he doesn't crap in Zurich, it shouldn't count!"
Assistant,"Ultrasound is very simple, Mr. Marsh. We're going to use harmless waves to look inside your belly. Just gonna put some warm gel on your stomach first."
Randy,Oooooo.
Assistant,"Okay, take a deep breath.  I see the crap now. I can't say for sure, but I, I'd say is about... 14 Courics."
Jimbo,Fourteen?!
Stephen,"That's great, Randy!"
Randy,"Can I, can I see it?"
Assistant,"Sure. This is your colon, a-and here...  is the feces growing inside your belly."
Randy,Ahhh...
Gerald,"Guys, we have a problem!  I talked to the EFSM and they say Randy has to take the crap in Zurich."
Randy,In Zurich?
Gerald,They say that Bono is demanding it and that their hands are tied.
Assistant,"I'm sorry Mr. Marsh, I I cannot condone you traveling on an airplane in your condition. It is never safe to fly during your turd trimester."
Stan,"Hi, could I speak with Mr. Bono, please?"
Butler,"Mr. Bono, you have a young gentleman caller!"
Bono,"Get the jet ready, Bovis! I've got to be going."
Stan,"Hi, my name is Stan Marsh. My dad's trying to beat your record for biggest crap."
Bono,"Oh right. He can't make it to Zurich, right?"
Stan,That's kind of what I'm here for: Do you really need the biggest crap record? Could you maybe see your way to just... letting my dad have this one?
Bono,Let him have it? Why would I do that?!
Stan,"Look, you you gotta understand, sir. My dad's never won an award for anything. Ever. He doesn't have one single trophy. I mean, even I have a second-place trophy for most Sports Illustrated subscriptions sold."
Bono,I have the first-place trophy for that.
Stan,"Dude, don't you have enough? I mean, you got tons of money, a jet, and the biggest rock band in the world, a hot wife, and, you've been knighted. I mean, at some point, can't you just kind of... fuck off?"
Bono,I want people to know that I'm worth something. That I matter.
Stan,"All I'm asking is that maybe with this one thing, let my dad be number 1. A-and you can still be number 2."
Bono,Number two?! NUMBER TWO?!
Stan,Agh!
Bono,Nobody calls me that anymore and gets away with it! Take it back! TAKE IT BACK!
Stan,I take it back!
Bono,Say I'm not number two!
Stan,You're not number two!
Bono,That's right! I'm not!
Stan,What is wrong with that guy?
Butler,Your father is in grave danger. Come with me!
Chubby Official,It must be quite a crap.
Jimbo,"Come on, Randy. You have to push!"
Stan,What are you saying?! How do you know my dad is gonna die?!
Butler,Because nobody has ever taken a crap that big before!
Stan,So Bono's newest record is a lie!
Butler,"Look, I first knew something was wrong when I looked at Bono's first award for biggest crap. It said he took it in 1960."
Stan,So?
Butler,"So that's the year Bono was born. Then it all made sense to me. How could Bono be so talented, so caring, and yet seem like such a piece of crap? Because he is crap. Don't you get it? Bono is not the record holder..."
Stan,He's the record.
Butler,Yes.
Randy,I can't do it! I can't do it!
Assistant,"The crap is simply too big, Mr. Marsh. We must perform a Caesarean!"
Randy,"But then, does it still count?"
Bono,Oh no! The biggest crap means you crapped it out!
Broloff,"I believe that's true. We are sorry, Mr. Marsh, but, if you cannot crap out the crap, it's not really a crap."
Randy,No... Nooo...
Jimbo,"There there Randy, you... You gave it your best shot."
Randy,I want my wife. Sharon? Sharon?
Sharon,What?!
Randy,"I'm sorry, Sharon. Sorry that I let you down. Sorry I can't crap like Bono."
Broloff,"Well congratulations, Bono, it appears your record is intact."
Bono,I had a feeling it would be.
Stan,"Wait! Stop! Dad, your old crap counts. Bono never took a second crap to beat yours."
Bono,Get him out of here!
Third Official,"What are you talking about, young man?"
Stan,Somebody's been keeping it a secret. Bono was never the record holder! He's the record!
Bono,It's not true! Kill the kid! I want him dead!
Broloff,"It's too late, Bono. The boy has learned the truth."
Chubby Official,"Herr Broloff, what do you know of this?"
Broloff,"It's true, I'm afraid. You see, until Mr. Marsh came along, I was the record holder for the biggest crap. I took it back in 1960. It was the most amazing crap I'd ever taken."
Bono,Poppa no! Say nothing more!
Broloff,"Come to me my... darling precious child.  After I had broken the record I took the crap home. I was so proud of it that I... decided to keep it, to try and raise it like a child."
Bono,No Poppa... No Poppa...
Broloff,"There there, my little crap.  Don't cry.  Here, do you want the biddy? Hm?  Does Bono want the biddy?  Yes, he likes the biddy doesn't he?"
Stan,Dude.
Broloff,"I kept the crap in my office, nursed it, fed it biddy. And soon biddy made him strong. Biddy made him grow up! Into one of the most influential figures of our time.  Easy Bono, that hurts the biddy."
Bono,Biddy.
Broloff,"My little crap has accomplished many things. But he could never shed the fact that he was really... a number two. So he spent his life trying to be number one, in everything."
Stan,"That's why he's able to do so much, try to help so many people, but still seem like such a piece of shit."
Chubby Official,"You have blemished this noble society's good name, Herr Broloff."
Broloff,Have I?!  Look at the crap I took all those years ago! Bono is now almost six feet tall and over 80 Courics in weight! No matter how you look at it he IS still the record!
Randy,"Oh God, here it comes!  Ohhh hot hot hot hot! HOTTT hot hot hot hot hot! Hot! Hot!  Ho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ot"
Third Official,My God...
Chubby Official,It must be over a hundred Courics!
Stan,"Dad, are you all right?"
Randy,"Yeah, I'm...  I'm good!  Feel a lot better."
Chubby Official,"Mr. Marsh, we apologize, and if it's okay with you, we would like to present you... your long overdue trophy."
Cartman,"All right, let's try over here.  Set up traps there, and there as well.  Last time I saw him he ran right through here."
Kyle,"This is so retarded, Cartman. You've got everyone believing your stupid story."
Cartman,"It isn't a story, it's true! I saw a leprechaun. I've seen him come through here three days in a row now.  Hawk Eyes, this is Dragon Wind. Do you copy?"
Clyde,This is Hawk Eyes. We've set up the net and we're standing by.
Cartman,"Copy that, Hawk Eyes. Keep surveillance tag Alpha Niner. Dragon Wind out."
Kyle,"Just admit you were lying, Cartman, so that everyone can go home!"
Cartman,"O-ho no! We have a deal, Kyle! If I can prove there's a leprechaun, you have to suck my balls, remember?!  Dragon Wind to Blackie: What's your six, Blackie?"
Token,... I don't want the code name Blackie.
Cartman,"Code names are what they are, Blackie! Check your six and alert when in position!"
Kyle,This is fucking retarded!
Cartman,"Hahaha, getting nervous, Kyle? When that leprechauns shows up you must suck my balls! Don't forget I have a signed contract from you."
Kyle,"Yeah, and if you couldn't prove there was a leprechaun, you have to give me ten dollars! Now just pay up and stop being stupid!"
Cartman,"Goddammit, why hasn't it shown up yet?  Dragon Wind to Faggot! Come in, Faggot!"
Butters,This is faggot. Go ahead.
Cartman,Faggot I need you to keep surveillance North to North East. Check back in five.
Butters,"Okay, will do. Faggot out.  Waagh."
Kyle,"Okay, that's enough.  Everybody! Cartman is just pulling one of his stupid tricks on everyone, because he's trying to get out of a deal he made!"
Cartman,"It was here, I swear it! I don't know why it's not showin' up this time!"
Kyle,"You didn't see a leprechaun, fatass! If you could prove it, I had to suck your balls, but if you couldn't, you had to pay me ten dollars! Pay up!"
Butters,"Uh, I got somethin'! I got it!  It's uh... Oh jeez I thnk it's a leprechaun!"
Cartman,Set off diversion track C!
Stan,Dude...
Jimmy,"Fuh, fuck me, it's a leprechaun."
Cartman,Get it!  Get that fucking leprechaun! I want it alive!
Butters,Wow.
Stan,Cool.
Craig,No way.
Token,Whoa.
Jason,Wow.
Cartman,"Eugh! Uh, move aside! Move aside! All right, butthole, where's the gold?!"
Leprechaun,You lads don't know what you're doin'. I need to deliver an important message! There's goin' to be an attack!
Cartman,Tell me where the gold is or you die!  Slow!
Stan,Where'd he go?
Leprechaun,"I was sent to warn of a terrorist attack, but you boys have made me late. Now the terrorists will prevail! The end is near!"
Craig,Dude.
Cartman,"Kyle, suck my balls."
Kyle,"Dad, where do leprechauns come from?"
Gerald,From Ireland.
Kyle,So... why would one come to America to warn us about a terrorist attack.
Sheila,"Kyle, leprechauns aren't real. You're almost nine now; you need to understand the difference beween real and imaginary."
Kyle,I thought I did.
Cartman,"Ohhh, Ms. Broflovski, how are you this fine evening?"
Sheila,"Oh,hello Eric.  Kyle, your friend is here."
Cartman,"Hello, Mr. Broflovski, Ike. Nice evening, isn't it? Well Kyle, shall we go up to your room for a few minutes."
Kyle,"Get out of here, Cartman, we're eating dinner!"
Cartman,"Uhh, Kyle, I believe a certain someone is supposed to put a certain set of balls in their mouth."
Kyle,"I'm not doing it, fatass!"
Gerald,Doing what?
Cartman,"We had a deal, Kyle!"
Kyle,Just get out of here!
Cartman,"You signed an agreement, Kyle!!"
Kyle,I don't care if I signed an agreement!
Gerald,"Ah hey now Kyle, if you made a deal with somebody, you have to stick by it."
Cartman,"Thank you, Mr. Broflovski."
Gerald,What was the agreement?
Kyle,"That if he could prove leprechauns exist, I would suck his balls."
Sheila,Whatwhatwhat?!
Cartman,"And there was a leprechaun! You saw it, Kyle!!"
Kyle,Hey dudes.
Jimmy,"Hey Kyle. So, ...how was it?"
Kyle,How was what?
Jimmy,Sucking Cartman's b-balls.
Kyle,"I didn't suck his balls, all right?! And I'm not going to!"
Stan,"Dude, why did you ever agree to suck his balls in the first place."
Kyle,"Uch, I didn't think there would actually be a leprechaun! And I still don't! Why would a leprechaun be warning us of a terrorist attack?! There's another explanation for all this."
Fanciful Mayor,Excuse me. Have you boys seen a leprechaun anywhere lately?
Stan,...What do you know about the leprechaun?
Fanciful Mayor,"Ooooo, then you did see him.  That's splendiferous! I want you to tell me everything he said. Where was he? What was he doing?"
Kyle,All right I've had enough! Leprechauns are imaginary!
Fanciful Mayor,"Well of course they are. But just because they're imaginary doesn't mean they're not real. Haven't you boys ever used your imagination?  You young man! How would you like to be a cowboy? Or a- swashbuckling pirate?  And you! How would you like to be an astronaut, faaar out in space? All it takes is a little...  imagination."
Stan,Who the hell are you?
Fanciful Mayor,"Still not convinced, eh? I tell you what, boys. What say we all take a ride on my... Imagination Flying Machine?"
Kyle,Dude.
Fanciful Mayor,"Hop aboard, kids. I have something to show you."
Butters,"Uhhh, are you gonna rape us?"
Fanciful Mayor,Ubeuh... uh... n... no?
Butters,"Ah, all right then."
Stan,"Come on, guys."
Butters,"Watch it, fellas. I'm pretty sure this guy wants to rape us."
Fanciful Mayor,"All aboard the Imagination Balloon! Some people feel imagination isn't real, but I tell them that they're wrong,'cause whenever I want to play and pretend, I just sing the Imagination Sooong."
Kyle,Are you gonna take us somewhere or not?!
Fanciful Mayor,"Oh- Ohhh. But my boy, we're already here."
The Boys,Whoa...
Stan,What is this place?
Fanciful Mayor,This... is Imaginationland.  It's where all the wonderful and goofy things that humans have made up over the years live together.  Citizens of Imaginationland! We have distinguished guests from the world beyond!
Cheetara,Hello.
Lollipop King,Welcome to Imaginationland. I am the Lollipop King.
Mr. Tumnus,We are honored to have Creators in our kingdom.
Fanciful Mayor,"Now, good news, everyone! These boys did see the leprechaun!"
Pat the Hammer,What did he tell you? Did he have any news?
Stan,Well he said there was gonna be a- ...that there was... gonna be a-
A Terrorist,ALLAH!!!
Fanciful Mayor,OH FUCK NO!
Charlie Brown,Awwwgh!
Cheetara,AAAAAH!
Kyle,"STAN, WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!"
Draco,Quickly boys! Get on my back!
Butters,"Fellas! Fellas wait!  Hold on, fellas!"
Stan,Butters.
Butters,"Don't leave me, fellas! Come back!"
Kyle,Dude!
Butters,Hey guys!
The Boys,Goodbye Butters.
Kyle,"A-ah! A-a-ah! Wha? Where...? Oh. Oh dude. Oh, it was just a dream. It was all just a crazy dream. Huh, oh my God."
Stan,Hello?
Kyle,"Dude, did you finish your math homework? I kind of lost track of time last night."
Stan,No no I I hardly got any sleep. I had this whole messed up dream about some gay Mayor guy taking us to Imaginationland where all these imaginary characters live?
Kyle,...And then it got attacked by terrorists?
Stan,Yeah! How'd you know?
Kyle,"Dude! I had the same dream! We jumped on a dragon's back and, and Butters got left behind!"
Sharon,"Stan? Stanley? You haven't seen your little friend Butters, have you?"
Stan,Why?
Linda,Our darling Butters never came home last night.
Kyle,What did they say??
Steven,"We don't wanna jump to conclusions, but... we're worried that maybe somebody kidnapped Butters, sodomized him over and over again, and then fed his genitals to wild animals.  There there, darling."
Kyle,...Dude...
General,"Ladies and gentlemen, I have dire news. Yesterday, at approximately 18:00 hours, terrorists successfully attacked... our imagination."
Man 1,Our imagination?
Woman 1,How?
Specialist,The imaginary attack appears to have been in the works for years. The effects of the attack are so far... unimaginable.
General,We've intercepted this videotape the terrorists made for broadcast. Luckily we've kept it from being broadcast to the public.
Fanciful Mayor,No! It's just a Care Bear!
Man 2,Oh my God.
General,Later in the video we can see another imaginary hostage; this one reading a forced statement.
Butters,"Praise to the mighty Allah. His divine grace a-and will have brought forth this day.  Oh jeez!  Uhhh, nnow see, your safety is at our whim. This is the price you pay, America! You have defiled Allah, and now we will turn your imagination against you! Death to the Infidels!  Can I go now?  Stan! Kyle! Could you could you get me out of here??"
General,"Gentlemen, the terrorists appear to have complete control of our imagination. It's only a matter of time before... our imaginations start running wild."
Cartman,"I believe a serious blow to democracy has just been dealt.  A travesty has occurred, and I want justice! Kyle Broflovski did willingly and knowingly sign a contract, and yet, to date, he has made no effort, nor does he show any intention, of ever sucking my balls!  I've given him ample time to fulfill his obligation, and he has thus refused. I stand before you with dry balls, Your Honor. I've provided witnesses, collected testimonials, and still, my balls remain dry. I want what I'm entitled to!"
Judge,"Mr. Broflovski, did you agree to orally imbibe Mr. Cartman's scrotum and testicles?"
Kyle,I...
Judge,Is this not your signature on the contract?
Kyle,"Uh... W-uh... but... Come o- come on! Really? I mean, aren't there more important things going on right now?"
Judge,"From what I've been presented and the evidence put forth, the court has no choice but to order you to place Mr. Cartman's pubicle sac in your mouth, and draw upon it succulently for no less than 30 seconds."
Cartman,Yesss!
Judge,"You have twenty four hours to suck aforementioned balls. If after that time you still refuse, the court will be forced to arrest you for contempt. Next case!"
Cartman,"Thank you Your Honor. This isn't a victory for me, this is a victory for the justice system. And my balls."
General,"What I am about to tell you is highly classified. Two days ago, Muslim terrorists hijacked our imagination.  Frankly we don't know what their next move is or how to stop them."
Specialist,In times like these the government often turns to Hollywood for help. You creative filmmakers can think of idea we just can't.
General,"That's why we've asked you here, M. Night Shyal-amalam.  The Sixth Sense, Signs, The Village, all very clever films. But can you use your amazing idea brain now to help us stop the terrorists?"
M. Night Shyalaman,What if...  What if it turns out they aren't terrorists? But they're actually werewolves? From the future?
General,"N, no. No, they're terrorists. They've been linked to Al Qaeda."
M. Night Shyalaman,"But what if Al Qaeda, it turns out, is the group being terrorized? By aliens?"
General,"No- No. That's not an idea, that's a twist. We need ideas."
M. Night Shyalaman,"How about we make everyone think that terrorists attacked us? But really, we were all already dead."
General,"Get him out of here.  Mr. Bay, can you think of any idea how to outwit these terrorists?"
Michael Bay,"I believe I can.  We start... by making a big CG building and then we have a meteor go CROSSHH!  and it, and it's all like CRAAWWWLL  a-and motorcycles burst into flame while they jump over these helicopters, right?"
General,No no! We need ideas how to stop the terrorists!
Michael Bay,An eighteen-wheeler spins out of control and it's all like BROSSHH  And then this huuuge tanker full of dyna-
General,"Those aren't ideas, those are special effects!"
Michael Bay,I... don't understand the difference.
General,"I know you don't. Get him out of here!  Aaand being that we are all big Mel Gibson film fans, we thought maybe you could help us."
Mel Gibson,"Ah, my nipples, they hurt! They hurt when I twist them!"
General,"Yes, uh, I don't suppose you have any creative ideas how to fight these terrorists?"
Mel Gibson,"How about this? You have that tape that the terrorists made, right? Well, maybe if you did a background check on that videotape, you might find somebody who doesn't belong. Somebody who doesn't fit in Imaginationland! Ohhh!"
Specialist,Heyy... that's not a bad idea.
General,"Yeah. Say what you will about Mel Gibson, but the son of a bitch knows story structure. Get the videotape and do a background check on everyone in it!"
Mel Gibson,Oogh! Yess!
Specialist,"All the imaginary characters in the tape were identified, sir. Count Chocula, Cinderella, Snarf from Thundercats... But here.  Nothing in American folklore or storytelling match this kid. He appears to be... just some kid."
General,"I want digital imaging and resource magnification done stat!  If that kid isn't imaginary, I want to know who he is, where he's from, and who his friends are!"
Specialist,Yes sir!
General,Who are you?...
Butters,"Uh, excuse me? Uh Mr. Terrorist, sir?  Uh, I'm actually not imaginary, a-and um, my p-my parents are gonna ground me if I don't get back-  Aaah!  Okay, sorry. Uh sorry."
Pat the Hammer,Can you tell what the terrorists are doing?
Fanciful Mayor,They're going something to Rockety Rocket.
Rockety Rocket,No! Leave me alone! Haaa!
Cinderella,It doesn't make sense. What do they want with Rockety?
Fanciful Mayor,The only reason they would-  Oh my God. They're gonna blow up the Barrier!
Butters,Uh what's the Barrier?
Fanciful Mayor,The wall! The wall which separates the evil side of Imaginationland from the good side!
Rockety Rocket,No! No you can't blow up the barrier! Are you insane?!
Cinderella,We can't let this happen.
Suitcase,It will be the end of Imaginationland.
Pat the Hammer,"Yeah. You have to stop them, kid."
Butters,"Me?? Woo, what am I supposed to do?"
Fanciful Mayor,"Don't you get it?! If the terrorists blow that barrier, all the most evil things ever imagined are gonna pour out and take over Imaginationland for good! YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!!"
Butters,Waaahaa!
Cartman,"Thanks for coming, everyone. The big moment is almost here, as soon as Kyle arrives."
Craig,He's not gonna show up to suck your balls dude.
Cartman,He has to. He's been ordered by the court.
Clyde,"Hey, he's here."
Cartman,"What? Move aside, move aside!"
Stan,"Dude, do you really have to do it?"
Kyle,Let's just get this over with!
Cartman,"Yes, come on in, peasant Kyle, and pay homage to this sultan's balls."
Kyle,God damnit!
Cartman,Yehehehesss. Yehhhs!
Specialist,"That's them, sir. Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski."
General,You boys need to come with us on a matter of national security.
Kyle,Who are you?
General,There's no time! You need to come with us right now!
Cartman,"Hey, let go of him!"
General,We aren't going to hurt your little friends. We just need information.
Cartman,"No! No, he has to suck my balls!  NO! KYYYYLE!"
Rockety Rocket,No! Noooo!
Butters,"Hold on! Hold on a second!  Now, you really should think about this. I mean, uh, I I know you think attacking our imagination will get you somewhere, but will it really? If you destroy that wall, all the most evil parts of our imagination are gonna break loose, but... will it really make you terrorists feel better? Maybe it's time for us all to just... get along."
Terrorists,ALLAH!!
Rockety Rocket,"AAAAAAAH! Jesus Christ, no!!"
Fanciful Mayor,That was your plan to stop them??
Butters,"Y-yeah, and that's not a heartfelt speech?"
Fanciful Mayor,That's fucking stupid!  They are coming...
Driver,"Glad I picked you up, kid. It's dangerous for someone your age to be hitchhikin'"
Cartman,"Yeah well, when a man has been wronged... he no longer cares about danger."
Driver,You goin' to Washington to visit family?
Cartman,"I've got unfinished business. You go through life being told there's justice, then you learn that the only real justice...  is the justice you take.  Make no mistake, Kyle. Before this is over, you will suck my balls."
Cartman,Previously on Battlestar Galactica
Stan,What is this place?
Fanciful Mayor,This... is Imaginationland.
A Terrorist,ALLAH!!!
Kyle,WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!
Butters,"Hold on, fellas!"
The Boys,Butters.
General,Terrorists have just attacked... our imagination.
Fanciful Mayor,"If the terrorists blow that barrier, all the most evil things ever imagined are gonna pour out!"
Terrorists,ALLAH!!
Rockety Rocket,No!!
Steven,"Butters, time for breakfast."
Butters,"Buh, huh, but... Oh jeez, it was just a dream."
Steven,"Come on, Butters. Mom's cooked waffles and nanas for you."
Butters,"Hoho! Mom, Dad, I dreamt I was in Imaginationland and, and terrorists attacked it."
Steven,You are in Imaginationland. This is a dream.
Butters,Huh?
Fanciful Mayor,"Hey, wake up, stupid!  Come on, wake up, kid!"
Butters,"No, wait! Uh I was back home in bed!"
Fanciful Mayor,NO! You passed out and peed your pants!
Cinderella,Look! The evil of Imaginationland is coming out!
Butters,Oh hamburgers!
Fanciful Mayor,"Everyone! Fall back to the Gumdrop Forest!  Come with me, little boy! I'm going to get you home!"
Butters,WAAAA! It's Alien!  Predator! Wha?  Huh?  WAAAAAH! HAAAAAAAA!
Stan,"Look, we already told you everything we know. Some guy just showed up in a big balloon and took us into Imaginationland."
General,What we want to know is how! We need to find a way into Imaginationland; you've been there! How did you do it?!
Kyle,We just... went on a balloon ride.
Specialist,There must have been some kind of portal or doorway.
Stan,"Dude, we don't remember."
General,"Do you realize what's goin' on here?! Terrorists have attacked our imagination, and now our imaginations are running wild!  You'd better start remembering!"
Specialist,"It was the Chinese, wasn't it?"
Kyle,...What?
Specialist,We've suspected that the Chinese government was working on a doorway to the imagination.  Is that where you were?!
Stan,No.
General,"That's it, isn't it?! Where do the Chinese keep this portal? How does it work?"
Specialist,It is better than ours?
Stan,Your what?
Specialist,Our portal to the imagination built as a secret project back in 1962 to fight the Soviets-
General,Shhh! Tom! That's super-secret.
Tom,"Ohh, I'm sorry sir."
Kyle,Wait. The U.S. Government has a portal to the imagination?
General,"Aw, see? Good job, Tom! Why don't you just tell them everything about Project X?!"
Tom,"Yes sir.  We built a portal to the imagination to use against the Russians during the Cold War, but we never got a-"
General,"THAT WAS SARCASM. I was being sarcastic, you fucking idiot!"
Tom,"Aw jeez, I'm really sorry sir."
Stan,"If you already built a doorway to the imagination, then why do you need us?"
General,"All right, we might as well show it to them.  God-dammit, Tom."
Cartman,"Every night, the dream is the same.  I'm on my way to visit my friend Kyle, because we had a bet that if I could prove leprechauns were real, he would suck my balls.  And it turns out I was right. ""Time to pay up, Kyle.""  But then...  ""NO! NOOO!""  It's been taken from me. I have dry balls. Balls so dry they explode like dust."
Elderly woman,"You okay, kid?"
Cartman,NO. I've got dry balls. And I'm running out of time.
General,"Ever since the Cold War, the U.S. Government has been working on a secret project to build a doorway into the imagination. It is called ""Project Imagination Doorway."""
Stan,That's not very imaginative.
General,"According to all the tests and the data, the doorway should work, but... it never has."
Lead tech,"But we're close, sir. We're real close."
General,They've been saying that for over forty years.
Lead tech,"You're the ones, right? The kids who have been in the imagination."
Kyle,Ah I guess.
Lead tech,"What was the sequence that got you inside? We know there's some kind of... resonance code, but we can't figure it out."
Kyle,"Look, we're sorry, you guys, but the balloon just went up in the air and the dude sang a song and we were suddenly there."
General,Song? You didn't say anything about a song before.
Lead tech,What song?
Stan,The Imagination song?
Lead tech,That could be it. The fractal converter has never worked because it was waiting for a multitonal code!
General,Quick boys: how does the Imagination Song go?
"Stan, Kyle",Imaginaaaation Imaginaaaation
Operator,"Sir, uh I'm getting some electrofeedback from the gate. Ih it's weak, but it's nanoresponding to something."
Lead tech,"Was there more to the Imagination Song? Ha, how does the rest of it go?"
"Stan, Kyle",Imaginaaaation. Imaginaaaa-
Kyle,"No, no dude, it went up there."
Stan,Imagina-he-hey-
Kyle,Imagina-eh
Stan,"Dude, we don't remember. It was really long and stupid."
General,I'm just about through playing with you boys! We're running out of time! You have to remember that song in its entirety!
Lollipop King,"Mayor, Mayor, what are we supposed to do?"
Butters,"Please, sir. I have to get home to my world."
Fanciful Mayor,"Oh, well. All you have to do is tap your heels together three times."
Butters,Really?
Fanciful Mayor,"NO, you fucking dipshit, that was a joke!"
Snarf,"Mayor, what are we supposed to do, shnarf shnarf?"
Fanciful Mayor,Get to Castle Sunshine! It's your only hope!
Lollipop King,Castle Sunshine?
Fanciful Mayor,"Through the Gumdrop Forest. Others will be hiding there; go, run! Look out for the evil characters! They're assembling on the Yum Yum mountain!"
Orc,We are free! Now all of Imaginationland is ours!
The Minotaur,"Not all, foolish orc! There are still parts of Imaginationland we don't control."
Freddy Krueger,"Tomorrow, we shall build our own castle right on this spot!"
The Minotaur,"Who put you in charge, Krueger?! I am the most evil character here!"
ManBearPig,Nonsense!  Your evil is stale!
Headless Horseman,I am the most evil imaginary character!
Squirrelly Squirrel,"Now come on y'all. We shouldn't be fightin', we're supposed to all be on the same side."
Critter,"Yeah. You're all right, Squirrelly Squirrel."
Woodland Critters,Yaaaay!
The Minotaur,What evil imaginary characters are they?
Creature from the Black Lagoon,They were dreamt up by some fourth grade kid as part of his Christmas Story..
Squirrelly Squirrel,"Now come on y'all. We can't waste time arguing, there could still be survivors out there. We need to hunt them down, and kill them."
Rabbity Rabbit,And eat their flesh!
Beavery Beaver,B'hut first we should rape them!
Beary Bear,"How about we kill them, and then rape their bodies so we can use their blood as lubricant?"
Squirrelly Squirrel,"Say, that's a great idea, Beary Bear."
Jason Voorhees,"Man, I do not want to meet the kid that dreamt THOSE things up."
Cartman,"Look, I want some Goddamn answers! You brought my friend here to Washington! Where is he?! What is going on?!"
Secretary,"I'm sorry, sir. That information is classified."
Cartman,"Something is going on, and I have a right to know where my friend is!!"
Secretary,There's somebody asking a lot of questions about what's going on.
Tom,"Let me handle this!  I'm sorry, but there is no such thing as Project Imagination Doorway!  Imagination Doorway. It was started in the Sixties as a secret government project. Right."
"Stan, Kyle","Imagina-a-ation, Imagina-"
Stan,"Waitwaitwait, maybe that's where he went really flat, like that half-step key change? Imagina-ation."
Kyle,"Right, then it was ""Imagina-ation, Imagina-ation. Imagina-atio-on"""
Lead tech,It's open! It's open!
Operator,"Getting readings from the other side... the, that's it. We've made an opening to our imagination, sir!"
General,"All right, that's enough! We've still got a lot of work to do, people! Its time to go in and get our imaginations under control!"
Butters,How much further to Castle Sunshine?
Snarf,"Snarf, I'm not sure snarf snarf. I've never been."
Butters,What was that?
Lollipop King,Over here.  Oh Christ. Its Strawberry Shortcake.
Strawberry Shortcake,"Please, let me go.  Wuh.  Wuh!  Dugh!"
Snarf,Oh my God! Snarf.
Strawberry Shortcake,Aaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah!
The Minotaur,Now kill her!
Squirrelly Squirrel,"Whoa whoa, hang on, y'all. You can't just kill her. That's not evil enough."
Freddy Krueger,What do you mean? We cut out her eyeball.
Jason Voorhees,"Yeah, that's super hardcore."
Squirrelly Squirrel,Now come on y'all. We can do better than that.
Beavery Beaver,Hey! I know! Let's all pee in her empty eye socket!
Deery Deer,"Let's make her eat her own eyeball, and then pee in her empty eyesocket."
Beary Bear,"How about we get someone with AIDS to pee in her eyesocket, so she dies all slowlike?"
The Minotaur,Nobody here has AIDS!
Woodland Critters,Awwww!!
Beary Bear,But we've got to have AIDS before we pee in her eyesocket!
Squirrelly Squirrel,Now don't be down y'all. I bet we can find some AIDS out in the forest.
Lollipop King,"Dude, run, run, ruuun!"
General,"All right, men. We don't know what you'll experience on the other side of this doorway, but it will most likely be really weird. If you reach our imagination, you are to take every step necessary to get it under control! Are you ready?"
Soldiers,Yes sir!
General,"Are you ready, Kurt Russell?"
Kurt Russell,I... I don't understand why I'm here. I I'm just an actor.
General,"Yes, but you were in that one movie that was kinda like this. That gives you more experience than anybody. All right, here we go! Men! Forwaaard!"
Tech 1,"Sir, we have a security breach!"
General,What?!
Tech 3,"There's an Unauthorized Entry Alert, sir-it's coming from Sector Two!"
General,Sector Two??
Kyle,Cartman??
Cartman,"Hello Kyle! Thought you could get out of your responsibilities, huh?!"
General,Who the hell are you?!
Cartman,"That kid you have made a bit that if I could prove that I saw a leprechaun, he would suck my balls!"
General,Get him out of here!
Cartman,No! Hold on a second!  I have a contract  validated by the United States court system!
General,Let me see that!  Why would you agree to suck someone's balls?
Kyle,I DIDN'T THINK THERE WAS GOING TO BE A GOD-DAMNED LEPRECHAUN!!
General,"All right, you two can go use the conference room. Go on, we have work to do here."
Kyle,"Wha?! Well wait, ahah I wanna see what happens here!"
General,"You signed an agreement, kid. We don't have time for this. Go on and do it."
Kyle,Stan?
Stan,"Dude, you did make a deal..."
Cartman,Theee conference room is which way?
Cartman,"Here we are, Kyle. You tried to bail out on our agreement, but I found you."
Kyle,"I didn't ""bail,"" I got picked up by the government!"
Cartman,"Well we're here now, that's all that matters.  Care for some nuts? Oh, that's right. I guess you'll be chock full of nuts in a few minutes."
Kyle,"Cartman, do you even know what's going on? We went to Imaginationland, terrorists attacked it, and now the government is about to-"
Cartman,"Oh jeez, I'm sorry, Kyle.  It's just that I'm so completely bored by this story. See, I'm really only interested in the part where the leprechaun was real, and so you have to suck my balls."
Kyle,"Okay, fine. You know what? Let's just get it over with!"
Cartman,"Oh nonono, nononot so fast, Kyle.  I've waited a long time for this, and I intend to savor each and every second."
Kyle,"No, I'm serious! I wanna see what's happening downstairs, so let's just do it!"
Cartman,"Not... just yet, Kyle. There's still a few things I need to do.  By the way, I should tell you that I haven't had a chance to shower while making my way up here. My balls are...  extra vinegary..."
Kyle,Just get to it already!
Lead tech,Entering the portal in five seconds.
General,"Kurt Russell, can I get a comm check?"
Kurt Russell,"Check 1, 2."
General,"Good luck men! Godspeed!  What do we have?! Kurt Russell, can you hear me?"
Kurt Russell,We're here. We're s-somewhere.
Tech 3,"They are inside the imagination, sir."
General,What do you see in there?
Kurt Russell,"There's lots of... big mushrooms, colorful grass, some castles in the distance, eh... Wait. Something's coming for us! It's coming out of the bushes and-  It's a-! ...Oh, Aw, it's just a cute little squirrel.  Hey, it talks, haha. The little squirrel talks."
Lead tech,"Awww, an imaginary talking squirrel."
Techs,Awww.
General,Ask the squirrel what it knows about the terrorist attack.
Kurt Russell,"Wait a minute, eh. The squirrel has friends. Oh why, why it's a whole bunch of woodland critters."
Stan,"Wait, woodland critters..."
Kurt Russell,"There's a talking bear and a beaver, uh... the, they seem to be Christmas critters. Well hello. Yes, hi."
Stan,Get them out of there!
General,What?
Stan,Tell them to get away now!
General,What's the matter?
Kurt Russell,"Oh the... cute little bear's eyes are starting to glow red now... Uh hello there, little animals, do you happen to know how to huh? OW! AAAAAAAHHHH!"
General,"Kurt Russell, what's going on?!"
Kurt Russell,They're raping mee!! They're raping meee!!!
General,"Get out of there, Kurt Russell!"
Kurt Russell,They're raping all of us! Whoaho! Oh it hurts! They're raping us and it huuurts! Waaagh!
Cartman,I was thinking of using a high-speed shutter with a low depth of field. What do you think?
Kyle,"Goddammit Cartman, will you stop wasting time? I wanna get this over with!"
Cartman,"No, you're right, Kyle. A higher depth of field will make sure everything stays in focus.  There we go.  Now, Kyle, when you're sucking my balls, are you gonna think about how right I was about the leprechaun, or are you just gonna try and focus on how rough and salty my balls feel in your mouth?"
Kyle,Let's just DO IT!
Cartman,"In time, Kyle. You certainly are eager for balls, aren't you? Are you ball-famished? Balls-starving? You see, Kyle, I wonder if at this moment you are actually-"
Guard,Everyone to the main hall now! Go!
Cartman,"Uh, no, no, we're not done in here yet."
Guard,Everyone to the main hall NOW!
Cartman,No! Goddammit no!
Snarf,"Boy snarf snarf, my feet are really gettin' tired snarf."
Butters,"Aww, Sn-Snarf, could you maybe like sh-shut up for five minutes?"
Lollipop King,Wait! There it is. We made it!  Castle Sunshine!  Hurry! Get inside!
Perseus,The evil imaginary characters are approaching! Lock down the gates! Prepare to fire the cannons!
Butters,Wait! Waaait!
Perseus,What imaginary character are you?!
Lollipop King,The Lollipop King? From the Lollipop Forest?
Snarf,"And I'm Snarf. Snarf, snarf snarf snarf."
Perseus,And what imaginary character are you?
Butters,"Oh, uhh, uh I'm not imaginary. Ah I'm Butters."
Perseus,"What's a ""Butters""?"
Snarf,The Mayor brought him and some other kids into Imaginationland just before the terrorist attack.
Perseus,So YOU came from the real world at precisely the same time as the terrorists! That seems like quite a coincidence!
Butters,"I, well I was just playin' with my friends, and then, wu-we caught a leprechaun, and then this guy-"
Perseus,You caught the Leprechaun? Take him!
Snarf,Perseus! He's not against us snarf snarf!
General,Talk to me! What's going on?!
Lead tech,Something is... coming through the gate from the other side.
Operator,What is it?!
Tech 4,Its like a... half man half bear!
Lead tech,And half pig!
Tech 5,"Oh! No, no wait! It's like a half bear half manpig!"
General,Look out!
Lead tech,"No! I think it's more like a half man, and half pigbear!"
General,Reverse the doorway! Send it back through!
Kyle,AAAHHH!
Stan,KYLE!!
Kyle,AAAAAAAAAAAA-
Butters,Please! I didn't help the terrorists get into Imaginationland! Honest!
Perseus,That is for the Council of Nine to decide!
Lollipop King,"Don't worry, kid, the Council of Nine consists of some of the most highly-regarded imaginary characters in all Imaginationland"
Aslan,"Fellow Council, these are indeed dark times. The evil forces amass at our gates as we speak. Zeus believes we should evacuate."
Zeus,Yes. Their power outmatches ours. If they are giving us a chance to leave we must take it!
Aslan,"And what say you, Morpheus?"
Morpheus,How our we to know that they will let us go? Their offer could be a trap.
Glinda,Perhaps we must flee to the Temple of Alderon. Surely they wouldn't chase us there.
Jesus,"No, we can't. Come on, you guys, this is our home. We have to fight, to keep it the way it was meant to be."
Luke Skywalker,"I'm with Jesus. The evil characters aren't going to just us go.  That may be, Popeye, but we don't have a choice!"
Perseus,"Forgive my intrusion, Council of Nine, but this boy has infiltrated from the real world."
Aslan,Bring him here!
Paramedic,Clear!  I'm sorry. He's gone.
Cartman,No! Kyle can't die.
Paramedic,"I'm sorry, young man."
Cartman,Kyle?
Paramedic,Well... at least now he doesn't have to suck anyone's balls.
Cartman,"NNNOOO!  No, he has a strong heart! He wants to live! Come on, Kyle! Come on, buddy!"
General,"He's gone, little boy."
Cartman,Zap him again!  Do it!
Paramedic,Charging.
Cartman,DO IT!  Come on buddy.
Paramedic,Clear.
Cartman,"Come on buddy.  Get out of here!  Godammit Kyle, you never walked away from anything in your life! Now fight!  Fight! Fight! Right now!  Fu-hight! Fu-hu-hight!  Fight!  Give him some air.  There, easy. Breathe easy."
Aslan,I believe this child was brought into Imaginationland for a reason. Perhaps the Mayor knew something we don't.
Zeus,"What are you saying, Aslan? That if we are to take back control, we might-?"
Morpheus,"Yes. If we are to take back control from the evil forces, this little boy might be the key."
Butters,"Awww, I'm the key? Could I not be the key, Morpheus? I don't wanna be the key."
Luke Skywalker,"If you ever wanna see your home again, little boy, you'll have to rise to this challenge."
Butters,"But I, but I'm supposed to be at school right now, uh, and instead I got, I got Snarf and Popeye and Luke Skywalker all pissed off..."
Aslan,"It is a dark time for all of us, young boy. But know that if you believe in yourself, everything will turn out all right."
Tom,Sir? Are you sure about this?
General,We have no choice. Terrorists have attacked us where we are most vulnerable. There's no other option.  We have to nuke our imagination.
Cartman,"Wake up, Kyle."
Aslan,"Imaginationland... used to be a happy place. But then the terrorists attacked.  And so many of us were killed.  The Barrier came down, and all the most evil imaginary characters were unleashed.  Now our final battle will take place. The evil characters are marching toward us with the intent to wipe us all out."
Beavery Beaver,"This is gonna be fun, huh?"
Aslan,"We prepare for a battle we cannot win.  Sweet and cuddly imaginary characters, many who have never held a weapon,  must now fight for their very lives. We are too few in number,  but we have one hope. That is where you come in, young boy.  Only you can help us win this battle."
Butters,"Wuh, what can I do?"
Aslan,You have a power here that you have yet to understand.
Al Gore,"Back it up!  Look!  Right there!  See that?!  What does that look like to you?! It's ManBearPig!  I told you it was real!  Look again!  There! half man, half bear, and half pig! Do you see it?!"
Official 1,"Yes, we see it, Mr. Gore."
Al Gore,"Something big is going on, and the American people need to know what! I'm off!"
Doctor,"He's recovering, but there's been some trauma to his brain. The boy says he's been hearing imaginary voices."
Stan,Hello?  Hello? Anybody?
Kyle,Stan?
Stan,Hello?
Kyle,Stan?
Cartman,"Good morning, Kyle. How are we feeling?"
Kyle,"Cartman, what's happened?"
Cartman,"What's happened? Well, let's see: You bet me that I couldn't prove that leprechauns were real. And if I could prove it, you had to suck my balls, I believe."
Kyle,"No, I mean what happened at the Pentagon?!"
Cartman,"You just rest, Kyle.  Look what I made for you. A sundae. It has hot fudge and whipped cream and a cherry-  but... I feel like something is missing; don't you, Kyle?  What else belongs on a sundae besides hot fudge and whipped cream,  let's see"
Kyle,Arh!
Cartman,"Hot fudge, whipped cream, what else belongs on a sundae, Kyle?  What else goes on a sundae besides hot fudge,whipped cream, and ...oh, that's right!  My balls!"
Kyle,"Cartman, what is going on out there?! What happened to Stan?!"
Cartman,"Oh, he got sucked through that portal thing and they're gonna nuke it now.  So are you all set for your big photo shoot, Kyle?"
Kyle,"Wwait, what do you mean? Stan's in danger?"
Cartman,"Don't try to change the subject, Kyle.  You've done a really good job of getting out of this bet, but it's finally time to settle. Get ready for your sundae, Kyle. With extra nuts."
Jesus,"Aslan, the evil characters are almost here!"
Aslan,"Get everyone to the battlefield! Defend the castle walls! Quickly young boy, we need your powers now!"
Butters,What powers? Ah I don't understand.
Gandalf,You are real. You are a creator. That means you can imagine things into existence here.
Butters,I c-I can?
Aslan,Santa Claus was killed in the terrorist attack. The first thing we need is for you to bring him back.
Butters,How?
Glinda,You just have to focus your mind. Imagine Santa and nothing else.
Butters,How am I supposed to focus with all this crap goin' on?!
Luke Skywalker,Think only of one thing. Imagine it. Believe in it.
Gandalf,Whatever is most prominent in your mind will come to be.
Steven,"Butters!  You are grounded, mister! You hear me?!  Grounded!"
Butters,"AAAAAAAAA! No, nonono, no no no!"
Aslan,What are you doing?! We need Santa!
Butters,I'm trying!
Wonder Woman,"Come on, kid, imagine Santa! Believe in Santa!"
Zeus,You must believe in Santa!
Aslan,BELIEVE IN SANTA! RIGHT NOW!
Butters,GAA HAA!
Cartman,"Kevin, can I get some more bounce off that too, 'kay? Let's just go with a 5 6 8 split"
Kyle,"Carman, will you shut up? I'm trying to find out what's going on."
Anchorman,"A new terrorist attack seems to have taken place. This time, in our imagination.  Al Gore brought this video to the public's attention, sparking demands by everyone who wants to know exactly what's going on."
General,"We were hoping to keep this quiet until it was all over, but, two days ago there was a terrorist attack on our imagination, and now our imaginations are running wild."
Reporter 1,Our imaginations are running wild and we weren't told?!
General,By attacking our imagination the terrorists have found our most vulnerable spot. And we've determined that the best course of action is to nuke our imagination.
Reporter 2,Is nuking our imagination really prudent?
Reporter 3,"Aren't there other, more peaceful ways to get our imagination under control?"
Reporter 4,Couldn't we trying sending Kurt Russell into a portal to our imagination to try and reason with the-
General,We tried that! And Kurt Russell was raped by Christmas Critters!
Reporter 5,...A-ooch
Anchorman,"The Pentagon claims that because imaginary things are not real, the military doesn't need Senate approval to nuke them."
Hippie 1,"That's bullcrap, man! You can't nuke our imagination!"
Hippie 2,Don't nuke our imagination bro! WOOO!
Anchorman,"Mike, does the military have the authority to nuke our imagination?"
Mike,"Uh clearly they don't, Steven, and they're gonna have a big problem because state government has already set a precedent that imaginary characters are real. I cite a famous case of Cartman v. Broflovski in which a U.S. court found for the plaintiff who saw a leprechaun."
Anchorman,"Yes, I believe the defendant had to suck the plaintiff's balls in that case."
Mike,"That's right, Steven, yeah."
Kyle,Oh for the love of God!
Stan,Hello? Can anybody hear me?
Kyle,"Stan! Dude, is that you?"
Stan,"Kyle? Where are you? I, I don't see you."
Kyle,"No, I'm not there. I'm at a hospital. I I'm hearing you in my imagination."
Stan,...Oh that makes sense.
Kyle,"Dude, what's happening?"
Stan,I'm in like a gumdrop forest. I just saw Strawberry Shortcake tied up and dead with pee in her eye.  Ha-hang on. I think something really big is about to go down.
Lollipop King,The evil characters are here.
Jesus,There are so many of them. HAAAAA!
Aslan,There's no time left! You have to get control of your imagination and bring Santa back NOW!
Butters,Santa. Saaanta.
Luke Skywalker,"Think. Jolly old Santa. Red suit, white beard."
Butters,"Red suit, white beard... Ssssanta!"
Cartman,How does that look? Can you see my balls and the sundae in frame?
Anchorman,A shocking new development in the nuking of imagination!
Chief Justice,"The Supreme Court has ruled with the military that imaginary things are officially not real, and therefore no approval is needed to nuke them."
General,Thank you.
Kyle,Oh no.
Chief Justice,"This of course overturns any imagination-based verdicts in the past, including the famous Cartman v. Broflovski ballsucking case."
Cartman,...What?
Steven,"So it appears the military is ready to proceed with its operation, one they are calling ""Operation Nuke the Imagination Through the Imagination Doorway."""
Stan,Kyle? What's happening?
Kyle,The government is gonna nuke Imaginationland.
Stan,What?! You can't let them do that!
Kyle,What am I supposed to do?
Stan,"Dude you have to stall them!  Uh- ...uh oh, what is that? Hey! G-get out of here! Leave me alone!"
Kyle,Stan? Stan??
Cartman,Where are you going?!
Kyle,I'm going to try to save Stan and Butters from getting nuked!
Cartman,"Okay okay, but you you have to suck my balls first real quick."
Kyle,"No, I don't! The decision was overturned."
Cartman,We had a DEAL KYLE!
Kyle,"Yeah, that leprechauns were real! And the government just declared they AREN'T technically real, so I was right! It's over! I don't have to suck your balls!"
Cartman,"IT ISN'T OVER!!  It isn't over, Kyle! I have NOT waited this long to see you weasel your way out of this bet! Go ahead and go. But I swear on my life! Before this day is over! You, will, suck my balls! I SWEAR IT!!"
Morpheus,I need more spinach for Popeye!
Tron Soldier,I-ee got one. I got him.
Beary Bear,Hey there.
Icarus,We're losing the battle! There are simply too many of them!
Aslan,Then the day is lost.
Wonder Woman,"Wait! Aslan, look!"
Santa,What? What happened?
Luke Skywalker,"You did it, kid!"
Aslan,Quickly Santa! They need you on the battlefield!
Santa,"Huh?  Oh, all right.  Make way for Santa!"
Aslan,"Now you see your potential, young creator. But there is still much more we need from you if we are to win this day!"
Guard 2,"This area is restricted, little boy."
Kyle,"Please, I need to talk to the people inside. They can't set off that nuke."
Guard 2,Get behind the line with the other protesters!
Hippie 3,"No nukes in our imagination, bro! Wooo!"
Kyle,"Uhn, you don't understand! My friend is in Imaginationland! I can hear him in my head!"
Guard 2,"You pot-smokin' hippies aren't gettin' through here, so back off!"
Hippie 4,Stop that nuke!
Hippies,Stop that nuke!
Hippies and Kyle,Stop that nuke!
Al Gore,What's going on here?  The military has to do this! It's their only way to kill ManBearPig.
Aslan,"Good, Butters. Now imagine some more archers on the castle walls!"
Butters,Huwhoa!
Perseus,Aslan! We're losing the battle!
Robin Hood,"We managed to fight off the vampires and werewolves, but... now our troops are being shot down by the Cavity Creeps."
Aslan,Cavity Creeps?
Cavity Creeps,We make holes in teeth! We make holes in teeth!
Wonder Woman,What can destroy the Cavity Creeps?
Perseus,Only Crest Gel with Tartar Control.
Aslan,Quickly! You must imagine a giant Crest Gel!
Robin Hood,Yes!
Gandalf,His powers are getting stronger. We might just have a chance here.
Archangel,"Aslan, we've captured a spy! He was sneaking around the Gumdrop Forest!"
Butters,"Stan!  Hey look, I imagined Stan here!"
Stan,"No, no! I got sucked through Operation Imagination Doorway at the Pentagon."
Aslan,Project Imagination Doorway?
Gandalf,Never mind! The battle is almost won! We can deal with him later.
Stan,"No, no, you don't understand. There's a nuke. The government is about to level this entire place."
Luke Skywalker,What?
Butters,Wull why would they nuke Imaginationland?
Stan,So the terrorists can't ever use it against us again.
Aslan,We can get Imaginationland under control; the Chosen One just needs more time!
Stan,The Chosen One?
Butters,"Yeah, it turns out I'm the Key."
Computer,Missile launch sequence initiated.
General,"All right, people, I want this nuking done by the books."
Tech 1,"Sir, we have a security breach!"
General,What?!
Tech 3,"There's an Unauthorized Entry Alert, sir-it's coming from Sector Two!"
General,Sector 2?
Cartman,What the hell do you think you're doing declaring leprechauns aren't real?!
General,What?
Cartman,You just can't declare that imaginary things aren't real! Who are you to say what's real?! Think about it: is blue real? Is love really real?
Lab Tech,"Imaginary things are things made up by people, like Santa and Rudolph."
Tom,"Yeah, and they detract from real things, like Jesus."
Tech 1,Maybe Jesus is imaginary too.
Tom,"Ooooh, you'd better not say that! You'll go to hell!"
Tech 7,It's possible that hell is also imaginary.
Tech 2,"Uh so then, we're about to nuke hell... that's a good thing, right?"
Personnel,"Hell yeah, that's a good thing, yeah."
Lab Tech,What if heaven is imaginary? We'd be nuking heaven.
Tech 3,"Yeah, but it wouldn't be real."
Lab Tech 2,So it'd be all right.
Cartman,"Look, maybe they're all part of the same thing. Santa and Jesus and hell and- leprechauns. Maybe they're all real in the same wway, right?"
Tom,"Santa Claus and leprechauns are imaginary, but Jesus and hell are real!"
Tech 3,"Well then, what about Buddha?"
Tom,Well of course he's imaginary!
Lab Tech 3,"Awww, see? Now you're being intolerant, Tom."
Tech 7,Am I real?
General,"All right, enough! Keep that kid out of the way and let's get back to the nuking at hand!"
Cartman,"No! Leprechauns are real, Goddammit!"
Stan,"Kyle? Kyle, what happened?"
Kyle,Nothing.
Stan,What??
Kyle,Nothing happened! There's nothing I can do!
Stan,"Dude, you can't let the government fire off that nuke!"
Kyle,They say they can do whatever they want because imaginary things aren't real!
Stan,Well you have to convince them they are real!
Kyle,"No way, dude, then I'd have to suck Cartman's balls"
Stan,"Whatever it takes, you have to do it, all right?!  Hang- hang on, Kyle, Jesus wants to talk to you."
Kyle,Huh?
Jesus,"Hello, Kyle? This is Jesus."
Kyle,Oh boy...
Jesus,"What seems to be the problem, my child?"
Kyle,"Jesus, I can't do anything.  I'm just a fourth grader going against the entire government.  Uh, hello? Jesus?"
Luke Skywalker,"No eh, hey Kyle, this is Luke Skywalker."
Kyle,Aah.
Luke Skywalker,"Look, I know this seems like an impossible task, but do you remember when I brought down the Death Star. I m, I mean, that seemed impossible too, right?"
Kyle,"Yeah, I guess."
Luke Skywalker,"Uh okay, now, now hold on, because Superman is here and he wants to say something."
Superman,"Kyle, this is Superman."
Kyle,Hi Superman.
Superman,"I know that saving people can be a big responsibility, but no matter what it takes, it's worth it."
Kyle,I know.
Superman,"You can do this, Kyle. How hang on, because Hercules wants to talk to you."
Kyle,Oh God...
Superman,"Yes, God is here too. He's gonna talk to you right after Captain Crunch."
Jesus,"Popeye, I need some help here!"
Lollipop King,Popeye is being killed by Christmas Critters.
Popeye,"Gaw guguh, getskug off of me!"
Beary Bear,"Hey, what is that?"
Butters,More spinach for Popeye!  Imagine an M60 for Jesus!
Jesus,All right!
Aslan,The boy is doing it! Everything is going to be okay!
Computer,Missile launch in one minute.
Cartman,"Goddamnit, you stupid assholes are going to ruin everything!"
General,Prepare for launch...
Tech 1,"Sir, we have a security breach!"
General,What?!
Tech 3,"There's an Unauthorized Entry Alert, sir-it's coming from Sector Two!"
General,Sector 2?
Cartman,Kyle?
General,The hell are you doing back here?!
Kyle,"Listen, you don't have to do this! Our imaginations aren't running wild anymore."
General,Why is it so easy for children to break into the Pentagon?!
Kyle,You have to stop!
General,"If I'm not mistaken, you're the one who bet that leprechauns weren't real. So why do you care what happens?"
Kyle,"Because I-  I... Um... because I think... they are real. It's all real. Think about it. Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he... he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same could be said of Bugs Bunny and, a-and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the Earth. Doesn't that make them kind of ""real."" They might be imaginary, but, but they're more important than most of us here. And they're all gonna be around long after we're dead. So in a way, those things are more realer than any of us."
General,Abort the sequence.
Cartman,"So Kyle, imaginary things are real, huh? Guess that means I did win the bet after all. And you know what that means, Kyle."
Kyle,"Just let it go with your fucking balls, you fucking asshole!! Your friends have been in danger and all you care about it this stupid bet! Well I've decided, Cartman, even if we had a bet, that I am never sucking your balls,  you got that?! They can throw me in jail for the rest of my life, but I am  never going to suck your balls,  never! So  there!"
Al Gore,What happened?! Why hasn't the missile gone off?!
General,"There's been an abort, Mr. Gore."
Al Gore,No! ManBearPig has to die!
Tech 3,Oh Jesus no!
Lollipop King,"That's it, Aslan! The evil characters have fled!"
Aslan,The day is ours!
Stan,Kyle!
Butters,Fellas! Where'd you come from?
Zeus,What is that?
Butters,Huh...
Jesus,He did it!
Fanciful Mayor,"Oh look, I'm back!"
Luke Skywalker,"Nice going, kid."
Fanciful Mayor,The evil characters! They're all behind the wall again.
Stan,"Dude! How did you do that, Butters?"
Butters,Well I just... used my imagination.
All,Awwww
Cartman,"You know, I really have learned a lot, you guys. What Kyle said about imaginary things being real and, Butters using his imagination? It makes me think that... well maybe we all have the power to make things a reality.   Why look, it's me. And...  And there's Kyle. And, what's Kyle about to do?"
Kyle,"Cartman, don't!"
Cartman,"O-hoo Kyle! What are you doing to my balls? OHO, look! It's Kyle sucking my balls!"
Stan,Dude.
Lollipop King,Oh my God.
Cartman,"O-hoo Kyle, you are gobbling those balls, aren't you? I told you you would suck my balls before this was over, didn't I, Kyle?"
Kyle,I'm not sucking your balls; that's imaginary!
Cartman,"No- Kyle, I believe you said that imaginary things are real."
General,That's true. You did.
Cartman,"Oh, look at you go, Kyle! Oho, you dirty girl! You LOVE those balls."
Santa,"Okay, Kyle, that's enough ballsucking. We need to get you boys home."
Kyle,I am not sucking Cartman's balls!
Fanciful Mayor,"Whatever you imagine to be real, is real."
Steven,Butters?  Butters!
Butters,A-huh? What? Oh! It was all just a dream.
Steven,"Come on, Butters, time to get up."
Butters,"Oh Dad! I had the craziest dream! I, I saved all of Imaginationland from running wild after a terrorist attack!"
Steven,"You WERE in Imaginationland, Butters! We've read all about it in the paper! The question is, what were you doing in Imaginationland when you were supposed to be helping your mother clean up the basement?!"
Linda,"You are grounded, mister!"
Butters,"Ohhh.  Wait, I'm not grounded."
Steven,Oh yes you are!
Butters,Oh yeah?
Steven,That only works in Imaginationland! You're grounded!
Butters,Ahhh shit.
Cartman,"Stan, you guys are good!"
Randy,"Sharon, what are the boys doing?"
Sharon,"Oh, Stan and Kyle bought a new video game together."
Randy,They can play guitar now?
Sharon,"No, no, they're just little plastic controllers. You hit the colored buttons and it makes the guitar track on the game play."
Randy,Ohhh.
Sharon,"If they spent half the time learning a real instrument as they do playing that game, who knows what they could accomplish."
Randy,Hey yeah...
Stan,"Dude, listen to that video crowd! They love us!"
Randy,"So you boys like this music, huh?"
Kyle,"Yeah, dude. Its Guitar Hero."
Butters,Stan and Kyle are really good at it.
Randy,"Well you kids wanna see something really cool?  Check this out. Once, I rose above the noise and confusionJust to get a glimpse beyond this illusion.I was soaring ever higherBut I flew too high.Though my eyes could see I-"
Stan,Dad? Dad! What are you doing?!
Randy,I can actually play a lot of these songs on a real guitar. You want me to teach you boys how?
Cartman,"Uhh, that's gay, Mr. Marsh."
Stan,"Yeah, that's stupid, Dad."
Randy,But... But this is real.
Cartman,Real guitars are for old people.
Craig,"Do you mind, sir? We wanna watch Stan and Kyle play."
Stan,"Alright, let's try to score 60,000 points this time."
M.C.,Are you ready to rock?
Kansas,"""Carry on my wayward sonThere'll be peace when you are doneLay your weary head to restDon't you cry no more"""
M.C.,Game over! You suck!
Butters,They're gonna do it!
Cartman,"Come on, guys, a hundred thousand points!"
Kyle,"Cartman, shut up. We're concentrating."
M.C,You have broken a hundred thousand points! You. Are. Rock stars!
Stan,"Dude, we are total rock stars now!"
Randy,You're not rock stars! This is just a stupid plastic controller!
Stan,Hang on.
Man,Stan Marsh?
Stan,Yeah?
Man,"I'm Charles Kincade, from the Kincade Talent Agency? I just heard you broke a hundred thousand points on Guitar Hero."
Stan,"Yeah, we did."
Mr. Kincade,I'm impressed.  And I'd like to be your manager.
Stan,"Wow, really??  Dude! Dude, Kyle, this guy wants to be our manager!"
Randy,No way!
Kyle,For reals?
Mr. Kincade,"Scoring a hundred thousand points is amazing, but I think with the right label behind you, you guys could make a million points."
Stan,That'd be awesome!
Mr. Kincade,"So, we're in business then?"
Mr. Kincade,"Well, what do you think?"
Producer,I like it. That's these boys playing?
Mr. Kincade,"No, that's Kansas. But these boys scored a hundred thousand points to it on Expert Level in Co-op Mode."
Producer,"That's pretty Goddamned impressive.  Alright, we'll sign them to a one-year deal."
Mr. Kincade,"Yes! You did it, boys."
Producer,"Listen, boys, I'm having a huge celebrity party at my giant mansion tonight. Why don't you come by as my honorary new artists?"
"Stan, Kyle",Cool!
Stan,"Wow, this is a huge party."
Producer,"Oh yes, all the biggest stars in Colorado are here."
Stan,"Dude, dude, that's Ron Zappolo from Channel 4 News!"
Kyle,"Wow! Oh, and look over there, that's that Jake Jabs guy from American Furniture Warehouse commercials."
Producer,"Everyone? Everyone, this is Stan and Kyle. They just broke a hundred thousand points on Guitar Hero.  Please enjoy yourselves, there's lots more coke and sex in the house."
Stan,"Dude! Dude, that's Jay Cutler over there!  Quarterback for the Denver Broncos!"
Kyle,Oh my God!
Producer,Would you boys like to meet him?
Stan,Are you serious??
Producer,"Jay, I want you to meet Stan and Kyle. They broke a hundred thousand points on Guitar Hero."
Jay,"Wow, really? Nice to meet you guys."
Stan,"Nice to meet you!  I mean, you kind of suck, but my dad says you might be good someday."
Jay,Thanks...
Guest,"Alex, have you seen my wife anywhere?"
Producer,You boys know Tom Shane from the Shane Company Diamond Store commercials?
Kyle,Do we? He's a legend!
Producer,"You remember these boys, Tom. They're gonna break a million points live at the video arcade in a few weeks."
Tom Shane,"That, would be impressive."
Kyle,"Dude, we've arrived. We're super, awesome, and cool."
Stan,Yeah. Life is finally going to not suck so hard for us.
M.C.,You Rock!
Mr. Kincade,"All right, nice rehearsal, boys."
Kyle,"D-ude, I totally miffed that middle part. Did you see that?"
Stan,"Yeah dude, that's almost impossible."
Mr. Kincade,"That was real cool, kids. Hey, Kyle, there's a different controller in my car that might work better for you. Why don't you go with Jim and he'll help you find it."
Kyle,"Oh, okay. Cool."
Mr. Kincade,"You've got real potential, kid. I have no doubt you can break a million."
Stan,Really? That'd be sweet.
Mr. Kincade,"I think you could. But uh, as for your friend, well, to be honest, I think he's holding you back."
Stan,"What, you mean, Kyle?"
Mr. Kincade,"Look, you score a lot higher than him; there's no question who the better one is. I wanna put you with some other players, find a partner for you who can really help you max your score."
Stan,"But, Kyle and I always play together. We both chipped in for the game system."
Mr. Kincade,"Very honorable. But you know where loyalty gets you in a game like Guitar Hero? Nowheres. Just listen to that video crowd.  I haven't heard a video crowd go that wild in a long time. You've got a chance to score a million points, and I hate to see you throw it away because you're worried about your friend's feelings."
Mr. Kincade,"You're gonna love this kid, Stan. He's one of the best Guitar Hero players I've ever seen. Except for you, of course.  Ah, Thad!  Stan Marsh, this is Thad Jarvis."
Thad,Sup?
Mr. Kincade,"That here has backed up a lot of really great Guitar Hero players. Isn't that right, Thad?"
Thad,Yup.
Mr. Kincade,He doesn't even need a game system to play on. He can play Guitar Hero acoustically.
Stan,"Yeah, but can he play Buckethead on Expert Level?"
Mr. Kincade,"Go ahead, Thad. Show him what you can do.  Check this out.  Pretty damn good, huh?"
Stan,"Yeah, that's pretty good. But can you play ""John the Fisherman""?"
Mr. Kincade,"Stan, with this kid backing you, you're gonna make Guitar Hero history."
Male Diner,"Ohoh, I love this song."
Butters,"Wow wee, look at him go!"
Kyle,"Hey dude, how'd it-?"
Stan,"...Kyle. ...I, I thought you were sick."
Butters,Uh ohhh.
Kyle,Who is this?
Stan,"This is um, Thad Jarvis."
Thad,Sup?
Kyle,"Ahem, wha? What's going on, Stan?"
Stan,"Kyle, I was gonna tell you later. Mr. Kincaid thinks I should play with Thad for a while."
Kyle,But it's our game. We bought it together.
Stan,"I know, and, and I wanna be fair about it, so, I'll buy you out of your part."
Kyle,Buy me out?! What are you saying?! What makes you so high and mighty you can buy me out?!
Stan,"Don't put this all on me, Kyle!"
Cartman,Oh my God this is so awesome.
Stan,"You were the one that's been blowing off playing after midnight, not playing 'cause you were sick,-"
Kyle,I have been sick!
Stan,"Look, the point is I'm never gonna break a million points playing with you! You know that's true!"
Kyle,I guess I didn't realize it was just about the points.
Craig,"Dude, this game rules."
Stan,"Let's just do this, all right?"
Brett,Hey! You're the kid I sold the Guitar Hero game to. How are you likin' it?
Stan,"It's okay, I guess. But I need some game guides for it. My manager and producer set up this live thing at the video arcade where I'm supposed to break a million in front of everybody and I'm I'm stressing out."
Brett,"Yeah, Guitar Hero can be pretty stressful. But you know, maybe instead of a game guide, you should just buy another game to kind of ...ease the stress."
Stan,Huh?
Brett,Have you ever heard of...  Heroin Hero?
Stan,Hero-Heroin Hero?
Brett,Ihit's a way easier game. All you do is run around a magical forest and shoot simulated heroin. You could call it the ultimate first-person shooter.
Stan,And there's no score? No crowds?
Brett,No man. All you do is run through the pretty forest and chase a big dragon. But you don't ever catch the dragon. You just... keep chasing it.
The Dragon,Chase me. Come on. This way. Shoot up and then you can catch me. Come on.
Stan,"Dude, this is awesome."
Producer,How are they coming?
Mr. Kincade,"No worries, Mr. Hart. They'll be ready for the big show in a few days"
Mr. Hart,They'd better be. I paid good money to rent this place out.
Stan,Ugh. Damint.
Thad,"Dude, sup. Did you practice last night?"
Stan,"Yeah, I practiced last night! Just shut up and play!  No no, you know what?! Screw this!  I'm not playing this song! Why did you pick this stupid song?!"
Mr. Kincade,"Stan, it's the song we all agreed you would play."
Stan,Yeah? Well I changed my mind! We're changing the song to Cheap Trick!
Thad,No way. I hate that bubblegum crap.
Stan,"Yeah? Well you're not the leader, are you, Thad?! We play the music I wanna play!"
Mr. Kincade,"Stan, why are you so grumpy-grouchy?"
Stan,"We're playing what I want, and I'll select a different song!"
Thad,Yeah? Well how about this one? I quite.  I quit I quit I quit.  I quit I quit I quit. I quit. I quit I quit.
Stan,"You know what? That's great with me, Thad, 'cause I don't need you to break a million points! I never did!"
Mr. Kincade,"Stan, what is the matter with you?"
Stan,"I just wanna play alone, alright?! I can't concentrate with all these assholes riding me all the time!"
Mr. Kincade,What is this?
Stan,Man...
Mr. Kincade,Are you playing Heroin Hero?
Stan,"Just, just a little."
Mr. Kincade,"No!  Nobody plays Heroin Hero just a little! You know, you never catch the dragon!"
Stan,"I know, but it mellos me out, okay?!"
Mr. Kincade,"You'd better pull your act together, because now you're gonna have to break a million points and unlock superstardom solo!"
Stan,No problem.
Older Boy,"Hey, beat it, kid! We wanna play now!"
Kyle,I'm not done yet.
Younger Boy,"Hey, I know you. You're Kyle Broflovski. Didn't you used to have your own Guitar Hero game system?"
Kyle,No. You're thinking of somebody else.
Younger Boy,"Yeah, sure. He's the kid that scored a hundred thousand points."
Older Boy,How come you're playing here now?
Kyle,"Look, just go ahead and play, alright?  Leave me alone.  Can I get a Fresca, please?"
Mick,"You're good at that game, Kid. Too good to be playing in a dump like this."
Kyle,"Yeah well, I can't really afford to play anymore anyway. I'm about out of quarters."
Mick,"Well look, maybe I can use some extra music playing to this thing on weekend nights. You come in, work around here a little and... maybe you can play it for free."
Kyle,"I appreciate what you're trying to do, Mick, but I ain't a charity case yet."
Mick,"Ehhh, charity case eh, I'm just trying to help out a kid who's a little... down on his luck is all."
Kyle,"Thanks, Mick."
The Dragon,"Catch me. Come on, catch me.  What's wrong? Follow me. Come on."
Mr. Kincade,"Marsh? Stan, you got-  Oh my God!  Get up, Stan! Wake up!"
Stan,"Huh? What, uh?"
Mr. Kincade,You're going on in ten minutes! Everybody's coming to see you!
Stan,The dragon. Where did it go?
Mr. Kincade,"You've gotta pull it together!  Pull it together, Goddammit!"
Mr. Kincade,Thank you for coming to Gamecraft Arcade to watch Stan Marsh break a million points and unlock superstardom.
Token,Go Stan!
Cartman,"All right, Stan, you've got it, man!"
Token,"Yeah, Stan!"
Craig,"Dude, what's the matter with him?"
Butters,"He's been up for three days straight playing Heroin Hero.  Come on, Stan! You got it!"
Mr. Kincade,"Goddamnit, he's a mess!"
Craig,"Oh man, I can't watch this."
Mr. Kincade,What are you doing?! The video crowd is starting to boo!
Cartman,Come on guys. Let's get out of here.
Mr. Hart,"The next time you bring me some talent, make sure they're talent-ed."
Mr. Kincade,You blew it! You had it all and you blew it! Listen to that video crowd! They hate you!
Brett,"There he is! So, did you break a million yet?"
Stan,"No, I didn't break a million points and unlock superstardom, all right? I'm done with that stupid game!"
Brett,"Aw, come on. Once you start playing Guitar Hero, you can't stop till you reach the top."
Stan,I just wanna find something else to play.
Brett,"Have you played...  Rehab Hero? You get chased by a big dragon, but you keep running away from it."
Stan,"I just want a nice, simple... driving game. How about that?"
Brett,Sssure kid. Sure.
Radio Host,"All right, that was the Splendifs. And now here's a hit you all remember. It's a song that two local fourth grade boys scored a hundred thousand points to on Guitar Hero.  Don't know whatever happened to those boys. I Guess... they're not playing the game anymore."
Skid Row,"""Woke up to the sound of pouring rainThe wind would whisper and I'd think of youAnd all the tears you cried, that called my nameAnd when you needed me I came through"""
Stan,"Kyle, could I just talk to you for like five minutes?"
Kyle,What are you doing here?
Stan,"Please, ih ih, it won't take long."
Kyle,Goddamnit. We're gonna take a short break. Be back in five.
Stan,"I was listening to you for a while. Dude, you've gotten a lot better."
Kyle,"Oh, thank you! I was so eagerly awaiting your approval of my abilities!"
Stan,"Look, Kyle, the game is still set up at my house and, maybe we could go try playing it again over there."
Kyle,"Oh, so the gallant knight now comes to rescue me from the bowels of mediocrity! Oh, thank you, your royal lordship!"
Stan,That isn't it at all.
Kyle,"You don't get it, Stan! I can play here all I want. I even get free Frescas. I don't need you anymore!"
Stan,"I know. I need you.  I thought I was having a great time because I was getting signed by managers and, going to big sex and coke parties, but, then I realized, I was having fun because I was doing all that...  ...with my best friend."
Kyle,"It was pretty fun, wasn't it?"
Stan,Yeah.
Kyle,"Look, I doubt we could break a million together anyway."
Stan,I don't care. I'd just like to play with you again. For the fun of it.
Kyle,I don't really see the fun in...  ...not trying to kick that game's ass once and for all!
Stan,"What, you mean it?"
Kyle,"I think we can do it, Stan. I've been close to a million a few times by myself."
Stan,"Then let's go, dude!"
Kyle,"Oh wait. Wait, I'm supposed to play here.  Hey, Mick, w-would you mind if I stepped out for a sec?"
Mick,"Go on, get out of here, kid. Who needs your wailin' and rockin' around here anyways?"
Kyle,"Thanks, Mick!"
Stan,"All right, dude, let's do this.  What the hell?"
Randy,"Ahhh, Ahhhhhhh."
The Dragon,"Come on, come on. You almost got me. Catch me. Come on."
Stan,"Aw Goddammit! Dad, get off our Xbox!"
Randy,"Hang on, I almost caught the dragon."
The Dragon,"Hehe, you almost caught me."
Stan,"No, me and Kyle are gonna play Guitar Hero!"
Randy,I can get him! Wait! Where's he going now?
Stan,"You don't ever catch the dragon, Dad!"
Randy,NOO! NOOO I SAID! I AM YOUR FATHER! PUT IT BACK ON!
Stan,"Mom, will you get Dad out of here?"
Cartman,"Stop cheating, Craig!"
Craig,How was that cheating!
Cartman,"'Cause you tricked me, you black asshole!"
Butters,Fellas! Fellas! They're gonna do it!
Cartman,What?
Butters,"Stan and Kyle! They're about to break a million on Guitar Hero, and unlock superstardom!"
The Boys,"Oh, let's go! Cone on, let's go!"
Butters,They're gonna do it!
Craig,They did it!
Jimmy,Oh my sweet J-Jesus!
M.C.,You have played Guitar Hero enough to reach one million points! Congratulations! You. Are. FAGS.
Stan,That's it?
Kyle,Goddammit! God dammit!
Cartman,"Butters, you wanna play me next?"
Butters,"Heh, okay, but I get to be the one that betrays you after the sex and drug party."
Butters,Fellas! Fellas! It's- Ohmygod! You're not gonna believe this!
Stan,"Dude, Butters, calm down."
Butters,"Okay.  Okay. I was talking to Pete Wetchney, and he said that Danny Chadwick said that his sister told him that the girls in our class have a list that rates every boy's looks from cutest to ugliest."
Craig,So who do they say is the cutest?
Butters,I donno.
Token,Who do they say is the ugliest?
Butters,I don't know. Ih it's like a girl thing. They won't let anybody see the list but them.
Cartman,They can't do that. Who are they to judge us on how we look?
Stan,"Yeah. You think they rate us just for looks, or they take personality into account?"
Clyde,If it's just looks then I think I'm safe.
Kyle,"You guys, who cares if the girls make some stupid list? Girls make dumb lists all the time."
Cartman,"Yeah, Kyle's right. Screw it; we have better things to worry about."
Craig,You're just saying that because you know you're gonna be very last on the list!
Cartman,"Oh please, I don't think so, Craig! Chicks think I'm way hotter than you!"
Craig,You don't think they put the fat tub of tard at the bottom?
Cartman,"No, because people know I'm not fat! I'm buff. They probably put you at the bottom of the list because you have fucked up teeth! Or Kenny cause' he's poor"
Kenny,"(They didn't put me at the bottom, did they?)"
Cartman,"Kenny, face it: Girls don't wanna Pop Tarts for dinner every night when they get married."
Butters,"You don't think they said I'm the ugliest boy in the class, do ya? Well if they did, my parents will ground me."
Kyle,"You guys, do you really care what a bunch of girls have to say about how you rank in looks?!"
Cartman,"All right, Bebe, let's see the list."
Bebe,What??
Cartman,"You know what I'm talking about, bitch! The list where you rate the looks of each boy in the class!"
Bebe,That's not for boys to look at! It's a secret girl list and YOU can't see it!
Cartman,"Craig is on the bottom, right? Or is it Kenny 'cause you'd be eating Pop Tarts for dinner if you married him."
Bebe,"I'm not...  telling! And anyway, I'm not the list keeper, Nelly is! And Nelly will never let you look at it, so there!"
Cartman,Fuck you Bebe! Fuck you bitch!
Butters,"Well, I guess we're never gonna get that list from the girls."
Cartman,"Screw that, dude! We're guys. We can outthink them."
Cartman,"All right, here's what we know. That chick Nelly is the one who's in charge of holding the list, right. She apparently keeps it in a purple Pee Chee folder, and we need a plan to get it from her.  This is what I call ""Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail"""
Butters,Neato!
Cartman,"At 1. p.m. tomorrow, Nelly will have to walk from Home Ec to Social Studies. That's our best time to strike. As she makes her way through Hallway 3, Craig will be ready with a distraction device here.  When she stops and turns to Craig in the hallway, Butters will run up and kick her in the balls."
Butters,O-kay!
Cartman,"Once Butters kicks her in the balls, she'll fall to the floor, dropping the Pee Chee, and Kenny will swoop in from Corridor 3-Delta, and grab the Pee Chee. Are we good?"
Nelly,"Ow! What'dja do that for?!  Hey, what's your problem, asshole?!"
Cartman,"Bail, bail!"
Cartman,"Okay, our mission failed, but we've learned a lot. Primarily that girls do not have balls."
Butters,They sure don't.
Cartman,"Never mind, because we are going to Plan B, one that I call ""Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time."" When Nelly leaves the cafeteria for recess, Kenny will jump in front of her and spit on the ground."
Butters,You think maybe girls keep their balls on the inside of their tummies?
Cartman,"Butters, we're done talkin' about girls' balls right now! Pay attention!"
Cartman,We got it! We got it!
Craig,We got the list from the girls!
Nelly,Give that back you dirty buttholes!
Cartman,"Tape it to the wall, Kenny! Jason, watch the door!"
Clyde,"All right, hurry! Get it up there! Let's see it!"
A Boy,Hurry hurry!
Craig,"Whoa, what's this thing? Where am I?"
Clyde,What number am I on?
A Boy,Is it set up?
Stan,It's listed in order from cutest to ugliest. Clyde's number one.
Clyde,Me?  I'm the cutest?
Stan,"And then Token, and then me."
Token,I'm number two? Wow.
Butters,"Come on, let me see!  Oh boy! I'm number 11! Whoopie! Number 11!"
Craig,"Ah! Look at that! I'm hotter than you, fatso!"
Cartman,What?! That's bullcrap!
Kenny,(Woohoo!)
Kyle,"Oh, so big deal, guys! Do you feel better now? Clyde's the best looking kid in the class. And then Token and Stan, and last is Francis, Cartman, and...  Me?"
Cartman,"You're last, dude!"
Kyle,No way.
Cartman,Yes way! Check it out!
Stan,"Cartman, lay off! You're next to last."
Cartman,So? I'm hotter than Kyle.  I'm better looking than Kyyyle!  Yes! I'm hotter than Kyyyle! I'm hotter than Kyyyle!
Kyle,I'm last? Last?
Stan,"Dude, it's just a stupid list, remember?"
Kyle,I got voted the ugliest boy in the whole class?
Stan,"Who cares what dumb girls think, right?"
Butters,"Mom, Dad! I'm not the ugliest kid in the class! Kyle Broflovski is!"
Steven,"Well good for you, Butters."
Linda,"Way to go, champ."
Butters,Whoopie!
Steven,"Well, guess we don't have to ground him."
Sheila,"Kyle, what's the matter? You barely touched your knishes."
Kyle,The... girls at school. They made a list and voted me the ugliest boy.
Sheila,Wwwhat? That's ridiculous. My little bubbeleh is adorable!
Kyle,"Llook, I know I'm not the best-looking guy in town, but I I didn't think I was the very ugliest."
Sheila,"You're not ugly, Kyle. You're my perfect little man. You look just like your father."
Kyle,Oh God! I do?
Gerald,But he has his mother's nose.
Kyle,Ahahah!
Sheila,"Kyle, you are very handsome and perfect in every way."
Kyle,"Ike, Ike, you have to be honest. Am I ugly, yes or no?  You ALL think I'm ugly. Jesus Christ, the least you could have done is told me!"
Sheila,"Kyle, come back here!"
Cartman,"I'm better-looking than you!  The girls think I'm better-looking than you, Kyle!"
Kyle,Hrrgh!
Cartman,"Dude, Kyle. Can you hear me? They totally think I'm hotter than you are.  Kyle! Kyle, I'm more attractive.  Kyle?"
Martha,"Clyde, it's time to be getting to bed."
Clyde,"Hey, what's goin' on?  What's goin on? Hey.  Oh yeah, hey, whassup? What's goin' on? Nice."
Clyde,"Hey, what's goin' on?"
Two Girls,Hey Clyde.
Clyde,Hey.
Anne,Hi Clyde.
Clyde,What's goin' on?
Butters,Hey ugly!
Clyde,"Hey, Kyle. Look man, it doesn't matter what people think, okay?  You know, Abraham Lincoln was pretty ugly too, but look what he accomplished.  Chin up, cowboy.  Hey, what's goin' on?"
Girl,"Oh, not much, just hanging around-"
Butters,"Hehehe. Hey, nice... nice ears, haha. Pizza Face!"
Clyde,"Butters, that's not cool, man.  He can't help how he looks."
Cartman,"Kyle, I was going to suggest that maybe you should... hang out with the other ugly kids in the school. Because if you hang out with them, you won't stand out so much. Right?  Cool."
Blonde Boy,Hey.
Kyle,Hello.
Bushy Eyebrows Boy,Are you going to eat your pickle?
Craig,Could somebody toss the football back? Its over there next to the ugly kids.
Big-Eared Boy,I hate coming to this school. It makes me angry.
Kyle,Yeah.
Big-Eared Boy,Sometimes I just want to burn it down. Burn the whole school down to the ground!
Kyle,No. You know what? Screw this! We aren't ugly!
Fat Girl,We're not?
Kyle,"No! Maybe we all just need a little image change, you know? Like a makeover."
Bushy Eyebrows Boy,Hey yeah.
Kyle,Like you! Maybe you just need to let your hair down. And let's see how you look without those glasses.  Let's just... put those back on.
Lola,"I know, that song is so awesome."
Stan,Uh Wendy. Could I talk to you?
Wendy,"Of course, Stan."
Stan,Just for a minute. Over here.
Lola,You think he's gonna beg her to come back to him?
Wendy,This is a nice surprise. I thought you were never speaking to me again.
Stan,"Yeah well, I wanna talk to you about this list you girls made."
Wendy,Which one? We make lists all the time.
Stan,"The one where you rated the boys' looks in the class. Look, it really messed Kyle up, okay? How could you vote him the ugliest?"
Wendy,"Look, personally, I didn't vote him the ugliest. My vote was for Eric Cartman. But enough of the other girls must have felt he was-"
Stan,So it wasn't unanimous. Maybe you can just change the list.
Wendy,Change the list?! Do you have any idea what that would take?! Maybe you don't understand how important list-making is to girls! It's just not something we do flippantly! There's protocol!
Stan,Can't we just talk to all the girls who made the list and find out why they voted Kyle last?
Wendy,"All right, I'll try and get you into our next list-making meeting. But it won't be easy."
Bebe,"Today's list meeting is called to order. Rebecca, you have the floor."
Rebecca,If it pleases and sparkles I suggest we continue deliberations on List 47D: Which Girl Has The Cutest Purse?
Bebe,Rebecca moves we work on List 47D. Does that sparkle with all the girls?
Girls,Sunshine.
Lola,"Deliberating ""Which Girl Has The Cutest Purse""? Millie has the floor."
Millie,"If it pleases and sparkles, I would like to submit that  Jennifer's purse is by far the cutest. Definitely cuter than Teresa's."
Blond Girl,"I don't think anyone here disagrees that Jennifer's purse is cuter than Teresa's, but it doesn't make it the cutest."
Bebe,The committee has already decided that nothing with stripes can be in the Top 5 cutest purses.
Lola,Sunshine sparkle Wendy has the floor.
Wendy,"If it pleases and sparkles, I would like to suggest that we...  That we reopen last week's list for debate."
Girls,What'd she say? She's gotta be kidding!
Heidi,Is she crazy?
Bebe,"All right, all right, come before the Rainbow Railing."
Wendy,Go ahead.
Stan,"Aaah, I was just thinking that maybe you voted a little... hastily on the cutest boy?"
Rebecca,You thought you should be number one?
Stan,NO.
Bebe,Let me assure you that no list is made hastily by this committee!
Wendy,He didn't mean that. He was just saying maybe we should open it up again for discussion.
Bebe,"I cannot by Sparkle Law move to have an old list investigated. However, if you can find recourse for such an inquiry, Wendy, I would review it. Does that sparkle with all the girls?"
Girls,Sunshine.
Kyle,They all laugh at me!  And the girls giggle behind my back!  unable to even glance at my disfigured face.
A Voice,"Do not burn down the school, Kyle."
Kyle,Who said that?
A Voice,I did.  Do you know who I am?
Kyle,Abraham Lincoln?
Abraham Lincoln,"I am Abraham Lincoln. Burning down the school will not solve your problems. You think you've been cheated because you are ugly, but I am here to show you otherwise. Come! There is much to see.  I want you to look in here.  This woman is Nancy Pinkerton. As a child she was consistently the most beautiful girl in her entire school. Her life as a youth was filled with praises, and everything being handed to her. Boys told her she was special. She was funny. She was interesting. But that's only because she was hot. It wasn't until she reached age 40, when her looks started to fade, that she learned she was actually about as interesting and special, as a wet carrot.  This is the home of your new ugly friend, Yamal.  Because he's ugly, he gets nothing handed to him. He has to work at making something of himself. But that work is gonna pay off when he's an adult. He will have character, something that kids who are hot rarely develop. Like your classmate, Clyde.  Now that he knows he's good-looking, he doesn't have to make any effort to be special."
Clyde,"Naw, Rebecca's just a friend. I wanna be with you now. Sure, yeah, I'll buy you some shoes too."
Abraham Lincoln,"Now his life will be about girls. Chatting with them on the phone and buying them shoes. He will most likely marry very young, and not realize until age 40 that he's a total douche. And so you see, Kyle, it is actually the beautiful kids that are cursed."
Kyle,But I can't wait to be an adult to be happy. That's forever from now.
Abraham Lincoln,You must be patient.
Kyle,Just take me home! I don't wanna be here anymore! Take me home!
Abraham Lincoln,Very well.
Abraham Lincoln,"Kyle, you need to think about what I've told you."
Kyle,I don't want to! I don't want anybody telling me how to feel anymore!
Abraham Lincoln,Well then you're just a fucking asshole!
Wendy,"Wait a minute. Wait, Stan, I think I've got something!  Take a look at this: during final deliberation of the list for cutest boy, seven girls gave Clyde a glitter rating of only one sparkle."
Stan,I have no idea what you're talking about.
Wendy,It doesn't add up. It is possible that Rebecca made a mistake when she tallied the sunshine votes onto the final list.
Rebecca,"Oh, hey Wendy."
Wendy,Hey Rebecca. Do you still have the voter cards for the list that rated the boys' looks?
Rebecca,"Oho Wendy, we're done with that list."
Wendy,"I know, but I think there's been a mistake. Six of the girls I've talked to didn't vote Clyde the cutest. That means that mathematically he should have been-"
Rebecca,"All right, you need to stop. Digging. Around, Wendy!  You might not like... what you find!  Just back off and stop asking questions!  You're getting close to a secret that I don't think you can handle! Let it... go!"
Stan,"That didn't sparkle with her, did it?"
Clerk,"One canister of propane, six cans of lighter fluid,  seven gallons of high-octane kerosene, and a box of matches.  Okay, is that everything, little boy?"
Kyle,That should just about do it.
Jerry,Do you like to put this on your True-Value card today?
Wendy,"Nonorary Chair, Mrs. Secretary, I believe a member of our committee has tampered with one of our lists. I've compiled a full report, and it turns out that nobody voted Claude the cutest in the class. I believe Rebecca changed the list to make him number one."
Lola,Why would she do that?
Wendy,"Right after the list was made, Rebecca started going out with Clyde. You can read all the discrepancies here.  We need to remake that list."
Jenny,You just couldn't let it go!
Wendy,"Uh, what do you mean? Call the girls in."
Jenny,"I'm afraid we can't do that, Wendy!"
Lola,"Did you know, Wendy, that Clyde's father own the shoe store at the mall? A lot of us have always wanted to date Clyde to get free shoes, but we couldn't, because he wasn't popular enough."
Wendy,You knew!
Lola,"Unfortunately, the members voted Clyde in the bottom five of the list! That's why we had to manipulate the votes, forge a new list, and... hide the real one!"
Wendy,So that you all could justify dating Clyde and get shoes?! How dare you take advantage of your position! I'm gonna tell Bebe and have you both disbarred from the list committee!
Jenny,Bebe?! Who do you think authorized the buyout?!
Wendy,No. Not Bebe.
Jenny,She's dating Clyde now. Nobody loves shoes more than her.
Stan,What's going on?
Wendy,"When the other girls find out you ignored their votes, they're gonna-"
Jenny,"Do you really think they'll believe you over the heads of the committee?! We'll simple generate a new list! ""Biggest Liars""! And put you at the top!"
Lola,"Do yourself a favor, Wendy! Just let it go! And keep your little mouth shut!"
Wendy,I don't think so!
Lola,AAGH!
Wendy,"Stan, run!"
Stan,"Jesus, dude!"
Stan,"Hey, kid, have you seen Kyle? We've looked everywhere and we have to show him something."
Yamal,He's burning down the school.
Wendy,What?
Yamal,He said he gonna burn the school down to the ground.
Kyle,"All the cruel jokes and ridicule will finally be over! Are you happy now, God?! YOU made me look like this!"
Stan,"Kyle! Kyle, don't!"
Kyle,"Don't try and stop me, Stan! You don't know how it feels to be a deformed monstrosity!"
Stan,"The list was a forgery, Kyle!"
Kyle,Huh??
Stan,It didn't sparkle with all the girls. We have the real list.
A Girl,"That's about far enough!  Give me that list, Wendy!"
Kyle,"Stan, what is going on?!"
Stan,"It was about shoes, Kyle. The girls wanted shoes, so they set you up."
Bebe,"Kyle was simple a casualty! To move Clyde meant that Craig has to be moved to number twelve, which moved Jimmy down and moved Jason up!"
Kyle,So what number was I??
Wendy,You've compromised everything! Our lists' integrity!
Bebe,"Did you seeee these shoes, Wendy?!  They're incredible!"
Wendy,"It doesn't matter how incredible they are; you can't- Oh my God, those are amazing."
Bebe,Right?
Wendy,Is that a lace across the top?
Bebe,"No, it's a little strap."
Stan,Wendy!
Wendy,"Oh, but it doesn't matter. You took it too far!"
Bebe,"If you hadn't gone all Nancy Drew on us, this would have just gone away!"
Kyle,She's gonna kill us?
Wendy,"It's too late, Bebe. I've already made a full report and sent a copy to the police. People will know."
Bebe,"Oh please, you're lying."
Officer,"Give it up, Bebe. We know all about it. The list was compromised. Kyle Broflovski is not the ugliest boy in the class."
Stan,Wendy!
Kenny,(Aah-)
Bebe,"Wait, I, I didn't do anything wrong."
Officer,You can explain all that downtown.
Stan,"Here, Kyle.  We've been through a lot, but, you can finally see where you really are on the list."
Stan,"Are you sure you're okay with this, Kyle?"
Kyle,I'm sure. Abe Lincoln was right: I don't wanna find out I'm good-looking and become a total shithead when I grow up.
Stan,...Abe Lincoln?
Wendy,"Stan, it's been really great hanging out with you again. I feel like you've changed somehow. In a really awesome way."
Stan,"Yeah well, I guess a lot of things... change, don't they?  Bwaaaagh! Bwaaaagh!"
Character,Line
Cartman,AHHHHHH.
Dentist,"Well, there's no doubt about it. Those tonsils need to come out."
Cartman,What?
Liane,"Uh, what exactly does that entail, doctor?"
Dentist,"It's a very simple operation. We'll just put you to sleep, Eric, and when you wake up you'll be tonsil-free!"
Cartman,"No- No way. I'm not going to the hospital, Mom!"
Dentist,"Oh, I thought you were a tough kid! You're not scared of hospitals, are you?"
Cartman,"No, I'm not scared... I just- I don't want my tonsils out, that's all!"
Dentist,"Well then I guess you don't want all the ice cream you get after the surgery, either."
Cartman,...Ice cream?
Dentist,It'd be a shame to have to give all that free ice cream to the big boys who aren't scared of hospitals.
Liane,"What do you say, champ? Think you can tough it out?"
Cartman,Well...you did say free ice cream?
Liane,"Poopsiekins, wake up. Wake up, honey."
Cartman,Uh. It's over?
Liane,"That's right, you did it, Poopsiekins!"
Cartman,"Its over! I didn't feel anything! You were right, Mom!"
Liane,"I'm so proud of you, Eric."
Cartman,"All right, so where's my ice cream?"
Liane,"Oh, here's the doctors now! Hi, doctor."
Cartman,"You were right, doctor! Everything is okay!"
Doctor,"No, it's not. Eric, I'm afraid that we've accidentally infected you with the AIDS virus."
Liane,...What!?
Cartman,What's that supposed to mean?!
Doctor,During the tonsil surgery we had to supply you with donor blood. A mistake was made and you were given blood contaminated with HIV. It was a one in a billion fluke.
Cartman,I HAVE AIDS?
Doctor,"Not yet, but we've confirmed that you now have the virus that causes AIDS. We are very sorry."
Cartman,"""SORRY""?! YOU GAVE ME AIDS AND YOU'RE ""SORRY""?!"
Liane,"Oh, my poor little baby!"
Cartman,"Mom, you said nothing would go wrong!"
Liane,Oh God!  Oh no!
Cartman,"No! No, this is a joke, right!? This is a joke; I can't have AIDS!"
Doctor,"We're going to do everything in our power to make this up to you, Eric. For starters, I think I owe you some ice cream."
Cartman,Fuck your ice cream! You said I'd be fine! You all said I'd be FINE!
Liane,"Oh, oh, my baby has HIV!"
Cartman,NO! NOOOOOOOO!
Principal Victoria,"Thank you for coming, everyone."
Principal Victoria,"Boys, please take a seat."
Stan,What's going on? Are we in trouble?
Principal Victoria,"Boys, the reason we called you all in is because one of your friends... has a serious illness. Eric Cartman has been diagnosed with HIV."
Stan,...What?
Butters,Oh no.
Doctor 2,"He's been to several specialists after a botched blood transfusion. The disease is in very early stages and completely manageable, but he's naturally a bit scared."
Kyle,Cartman has HIV?
Doctor 2,"We need everyone to understand you can't get the virus from Eric. You can still give him hugs and even kisses. Don't be afraid of him, just-"
Kyle,Excuse me. Eric Cartman has HIV?
Principal Victoria,"All right, we're going to bring Eric in now, and let's all be as supportive as we can and show him lots of love, okay?"
Mr. Mackey,"Eric? Come on in, your friends want to say ""Hi"", m'kay?"
Kyle,...No. Way.
Butters,"How ya doin', Eric? You know, I think you're a real special little guy, and even though you have AIDS, I ain't gonna act any different towards you."
Cartman,"God damn it, this sucks ass!"
Kyle,"...Excuse me, I have to step out for a minute."
Butters,Poor Kyle. He's really taking it hard.
Cartman,"Is Kyle laughing out there!? This isn't a time for funny jokes, I'm gonna die!"
Doctor 2,"No, you're not going to die, Eric. AIDS isn't as big a deal as it used to be. There are advances in treatment and-"
Cartman,"Not a big deal!? Is that how everyone feels!? People need to understand the seriousness of this illness, and the bravery of the people who struggle with it!"
M.C.,We are here tonight to salute the bravery and the courage of one very special little boy who is living with HIV.
Cartman,Where the hell is everybody?
Liane,"Excuse me, shouldn't we wait for everyone to arrive before we get started?"
Waitress,This is everyone. We didn't sell that many tickets.
Butters,"Great benefit, Eric!"
Jimmy,The Italian meatballs are fa-fantastic.
Cartman,So this is it?
Waitress,I'm afraid AIDS benefits aren't as popular as they used to be. AIDS was more the '80s/'90s disease. It's all about cancer now.
Cartman,"Well that's just great! Of all the times to get AIDS, I get it right when everyone stops givin' a crap!"
M.C.,"With all of your help, we have raised over seventeen dollars for AIDS tonight, and that money will certainly go towards helping little Eric Markman."
Cartman,Just bring out Elton John already!
M.C.,"Uh we're sorry, Elton couldn't make it. He- uh, he had to play at a cancer benefit."
Waitress,"It's all right, we got somebody better: Jimmy Buffett!"
Cartman,Jimmy Buffett?!
Jimmy Buffett,Hello everyone. I wrote this song for a very brave little boy.AIDSburger in paradise!AIDSburger and it ain't nice!
Cartman,Nobody likes Jimmy Buffett except for frat boys and alcoholic chicks from the South!
Jimmy Buffett,A little boy in South ParkDyin' of AIDS in the cold darkHow he got AIDS I haven't a clue.Wastin' away again because of AIDS and stuffHow are we all feelin' tonight?
Cartman,"Fuck you, Jimmy Buffett! You fuckin' suck!"
Liane,"Ohoho poopsiekins, be nice."
Cartman,"Fuck you Mom, I have fucking AIDS!"
Cartman,"Hey guys, thanks a lot for comin' to my AIDS benefit yesterday."
Stan,"Oh dude, was that yesterday? We forgot."
Cartman,"Yeah, you forgot. Just like a lot of people lately have forgot that AIDS is still killing people! Seems like all of America has forgot that HIV is a serious disease."
Stan,"Well, did... Elton John sing a song for you?"
Cartman,"...No, as a matter of fact, Jimmy Buffett came instead.  Oh yeah, it's real fuckin' funny, Kyle!"
Kyle,"I'm sorry. I'm. I'm really. Cartman, I f-I feel really bad for you. Honestly."
Cartman,No you don't!
Kyle,I do.
Cartman,"If you really felt bad, you'd wipe that fucking smirk off your face!  Well any God damned second, Kyle!"
Kyle,I'm sorry. I gotta go home.
Cartman,"Jesus Christ, can you believe that asshole?!"
Stan,"He does feel bad for you, Cartman; he just thinks it's... ironic."
Cartman,Ironic how?
Stan,"Well, you know, you're always such a dick and stuff, and, and now..."
Cartman,"Oh, and what?! I deserve it?! Is that what you think?!"
Stan,"Not me! That's, uh, kinda what he thinks."
Cartman,"Nobody deserves this illness, Stan, Kenny! Nobody! It's awful! And maybe somebody needs to teach Kyle how to have some compassion!"
Butters,"Oh, uh-okay, it's clear."
Cartman,"All right, get that rope ready to hoist me up."
Butters,"Okay, but... what are you going to do?"
Cartman,"Kyle thinks that HIV is funny, so we're gonna make him look funny, and then he'll know how it feels to be laughed at."
Butters,I just uh... well I don't know if I should be helping you make Kyle look silly.
Cartman,"Butters, helping people who have AIDS is one of the most important things you can do."
Butters,"I know, but are you sure Kyle has to be taught a lesson?"
Cartman,"I'm not just sure, Butters. I'm HIV-positive."
Butters,"Oh yeah, uh-well I guess that's true."
Cartman,"All right, now get the rope up over that third rafter above the window; that's the easiest access."
Butters,"Wow, you really know what you're doing."
Cartman,"Yeah, I've sneaked into Kyle's room lots of times.  You think HIV is something to be laughed at, Kyle? Well...  let's just see how funny it is now, asshole."
Kyle,Wagh.
Sheila,"There there, bubbe, you'll be okay.  Oh doctor, did you find anything? Is it strep?"
Dr. Doctor,"No, it isn't strep..."
Sheila,"Oh, well there's a relief."
Dr. Doctor,"...Mrs. Broflovski, has your son ever had a blood transfusion?"
Sheila,"No, why?"
Dr. Doctor,"Little boy, have you been having unprotected anal sex?"
Kyle,What? No?!
Sheila,"Doctor, what are you saying?"
Dr. Doctor,We've run every test imaginable... little Kyle here is infected with HIV.
Kyle,What?
Sheila,HIV?
Dr. Doctor,"It took us a long time to narrow it down, but there is no doubt."
Sheila,"No, that's impossible!"
Dr. Doctor,"Little boy, are you sure you haven't taken it up the hoohoo just once or twice?"
Kyle,"No! No God damn it no! I'm telling you you're wrong! There, there's no way I can have HIV! Unless maybe...  Oh my God. That son of a bitch!"
Sheila,Kyle? Kyle!
Cartman,"Pass me the ball!  Pass me the ball, Craig, you stupid asshole!  Kyle, what the F?!"
Kyle,"I'm gonna kill you, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Kyle, what?!"
Stan,What did he do?
Kyle,Why do I have HIV?!
Clyde,...Oh...
Cartman,"Oh, you have HIV, huh Kyle? Guess it isn't so funny now, is it?"
Kyle,What did you do?!
Cartman,Nothing!
Kyle,Then why did Butters say he helped you sneak into my room last Friday night?!
Cartman,"Oh nice, Butters, you big tattle-tale."
Kyle,Tattle-tale?! Do you know how serious this is?!
Cartman,"Well, Kyle, maybe I was just trying to prove a p-"
Kyle,AAAAAAA!
Cartman,Kyle!
Kyle,Here you go!  Here you go!
Mr.Mackey,"Hey! Hey, that's enough! Break it up, m'kay?!  Break it up! Hm'kay?!  M'kay!"
Principal Victoria,"All right, boys, now what is this fighting all about?"
Kyle,He gave me AIDS!
Principal Victoria,What?
Kyle,He purposely infected me with his HIV virus!
Principal Victoria,"Is that true, Eric? Did you give Kyle AIDS?"
Cartman,Well he was being a total dick! And he's a big tattle-tale and going around and talking crap about me!
Principal Victoria,"Did you infect Kyle with the HIV virus, yes or no?!"
Cartman,Kind of.
Mr. Mackey,"Eric, that is not appropriate behavior, m'kay? You cannot purposely infect other kids with your disease!"
Principal Victoria,That's right. I think you owe Kyle an apology.
Cartman,I'm sorry.
Kyle,An apology?!
Principal Victoria,"You're sorry for what, Eric?"
Cartman,"I'm sorry for giving you AIDS, Kyle."
Principal Victoria,"That's better. And now Kyle, maybe you should also admit you were wrong for tattling."
Kyle,...What?!
Mr. Mackey,"Kyle, the thing about tattlin' is, eh tattlin's bad. M'kay, because nobody likes a tattle-tale, m'kay?"
Kyle,A tattle-tale?! He infected me with AIDS!
Cartman,See? He's tattling again. He hasn't learned a thing you guys.
Cartman,"Well Kyle, I guess we're even now. Shall we just call it a truce? Kyle? Shall we call it Even Stevens now?  Kyle, where are you going?"
Kyle,I'm going to break everything that you own!
Cartman,"What's that supposed to mean? Kyle?  Kyle, no! I apologized, Kyle!"
Cartman,"Kyle! Kyle, hold on, you asshole!  What the fuck are you doing?!  Kyle, stop it!  God damn it, don't!  Kyle, no! Not Clyde Frog! Leave Clyde Frog alone!  NO!!  AHH! Clyde Frog!! Clyde Frog you ba- no! Not the Xbox, Kyle!  Not the X-wait! WAIT A SECOND!  I'm sorry I gave you HIV, all right?! Just give me a chance, and I can cure you!"
Kyle,"There is no cure, you asshole!"
Cartman,"No, no, listen, Kyle! I'm on to something. There really is hope."
Kyle,What hope?!
Cartman,Break my Xbox and you'll never know.
Kyle,You're lying!
Cartman,"NO! No-al-, all right Kyle! Magic Johnson, Kyle! The key is Magic Johnson."
Kyle,Magic Johnson?
Cartman,He was a basketball player.
Kyle,So what?!
Cartman,"So he got HIV like fifty years ago, and he's still totally fine! Magic Johnson has some kind of resistance to the virus, Kyle. I've been researching it since I got infected. If we can track him down and isolate his genetic prototype, we have a chance of beating this thing, buddy.  You and me, Kyle. We can overcome our illness; I swear it to you!"
Kyle,"You better! 'Cause if you don't find a cure for HIV, I will break your Xbox!"
Cartman,My God...
Cartman,We need two tickets to Los Angeles as soon as possible.
Clerk,"Los Angeles. Okay, uh I have a two o'clock flight. That would beee... $400 each."
Cartman,"Ah, sir, you don't understand. We have to see Magic Johnson right away. You see, we have AIDS."
Clerk,"...AIDS? Wow, that's really... retro. But ah I'm sorry. I- I just can't give away free seats."
Cartman,"Don't you get it?! We are two pals afflicted with an illness, and who only have each other in a race against time! Innocent playful children who are stricken with a deadly disease for no reason!"
Kyle,"Oh please, no reason! I got AIDS from him!"
Clerk,"Oh, you boys are  like that, huh?"
Kyle,NO!
Clerk,Are you sure you boys just don't have any cash?
Cartman,"We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive."
Clerk,"Uh, we sometimes offer free seats to cancer patients, but AIDS I d-. Heh-hey Mitch? Do we have any AIDS patient policies?"
Cartman,"Forget it, all right?! We'll use another airline! One that cares!"
Flight Attendant,We're so happy to help accommodate you brave boys. What kind of cancer did you say you have again?
Cartman,"Oh uh, you know, all over cancer."
Flight Attendant,I'm so sorry
Cartman,"Yeah, well, at least  it's not as bad as having AIDS. AIDS is the worst disease."
Flight Attendant,"Hm, I don't know. These days I think I'd rather have AIDS than cancer."
Cartman,"No you wouldn't! Look, shouldn't you be serving people drinks or something?! Get outta here!  We're on our way, buddy.  Magic Johnson, here we come."
Kyle,Don't. Touch me.
Cartman,I know. I'm scared too.
Butler,"Magic. Magic, could you come to the front for a minute? There are a couple of boys here to see you. Two brave little buddies who against all odds have journeyed across America to find the cure for AIDS. All they have are each other in a race against time."
Kyle,"Thank you for seeing us, Mr. Johnson. We were hoping that maybe you have some kind of key that can help us with our disease."
Magic,You boys both have the virus? Are you sure?
Cartman,"We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive."
Kyle,Will you stop it with that?! What part of this is funny to you?!
Cartman,"Kyle, we need to try to find a-"
Kyle,What part of being infected with a deadly disease do you find funny?!
Cartman,"I don't think it's funny, Kyle."
Kyle,"Then stop saying you're not just sure, you're HIV-positive!  This isn't funny, AIDS isn't funny, dying isn't funny, so shut the fuck up!"
Cartman,"Well excuse me, Kyle, for trying to keep some optimism, you know? I mean, sometimes when things... seem their darkest you just need to try and stay... HIV-positive, but if you wanna be so HIV-negative all the time, I-"
Kyle,Knock it off! Right now! This isn't funny! At all!
Cartman,Are you sure?
Kyle,Yes!!
Cartman,"Are you HIV-positive?  Aarrhh! Ow, fuck, Kyle!"
Magic,"Boys, the truth is I don't know why my body is so resistant to the virus. I would love to know so I could help others, but I just don't."
Kyle,Well I've been thinking: maybe there's something you've come into contact with that hinders HIV from growing. Do you mind if we just look around?
Magic,"Well, not at all."
Magic,"The pool is over there , where I try to swim and stay in shape. My kitchen  is full of pretty healthy food. I don't know which thing it is that keeps my T-cell count high, so I... try it all."
Kyle,But everyone tries that. There has to be something you're exposed to that others aren't. Could we see where you sleep?
Magic,Sure.
Magic,Just a pretty plain old ordinary bedroom.
Kyle,Dude.
Magic,"Oh, oh yeah, I- I don't trust banks. I sleep with all my money."
Kyle,You sleep with money. Every night?
Magic,"Yeah, I like to keep it close b- ...You don't think that..?"
Scientist 1,"It's incredible. Mitch, these boys could be onto something. Take a look.  That's a sample of HIV-infected blood. You can clearly see the HIV attacking the white blood cells, right?  All right. Watch what happens when we introduce some cash."
Mitch,My God. The HIV particles are receding!
Scientist 1,The cash does seem to retrain the HIV cells from stabilizing.
Scientist 2,"Now hold on! All the cash is doing is destabilizing the virus, not destroying it."
Kyle,"Well look, if being around lots of cash negatively affects the HIV, then maybe..."
Mitch,Then maybe enough cash shot directly into the bloodstream could kill the virus altogether.
Magic,I have enough cash for all three of us! We should give it a try!
Scientist 2,"Na-noo, it's ridiculous. We need FDA approval, control studies! I'm sorry, but this is impossible!"
Magic,These boys have shown us that a lot of impossible things can happen.  Their friendship has conquered every obstacle in their illness-ridden lives.
Scientist 2,"Their incredible friendship has brought a sparkle of hope to our world, that's for sure."
Kyle,Wugh.
Scientist 2,I suppose we could try to distill Magic's cash down to its... most highly-concentrated level and... try it on one of them. But it's very risky.
Cartman,"Yeah well, if there's a chance of being cured of this illness, then Kyle is willing to take that risk."
Mitch,Let's hope to Christ this works.
Scientist 1,"Wait a minute... Yes... Yes, take a look!  The cash particles have completely replaced all the HIV in Kyle's blood!  Boys, you just found the cure for AIDS."
Cartman,All right!
Scientist 1,They found the cure for AIDS!  The cure for AIDS!
Scientist 3,What is it?
Scientist 1,Large doses of concentrated cash!  Get the media on the phone!
Scientist 4,All right!
Anchorman,Scientists have just discovered the cure... for AIDS.  About a hundred and eighty thousand dollars shot directly into the bloodstream.
Driver,Hey! They just found the cure for AIDS! You just have to inject yourself with all your cash! Woohoo!
M.C.,"I am pleased to announce that there is no trace of the HIV virus in either Kyle Broflovski or Eric Cartman.  Together these boys beat their illness. With nothing but each other, and overcoming all odds , these two brave friends-"
Kyle,Oh stop! We're not friends! He's the one who infected me with AIDS!
M.C.,"These two brave lovers found the cure and helped the world. And so, to honor these boys , here is... Jimmy Buffett!"
Cartman,"What?! Aw, no!"
Jimmy Buffett,Cureburger in paradise!Cureburger. There I said it twice!
Cartman,"What?! Aw, God damn it!  Well I'll tell you this, Kyle. I'm never gettin' my tonsils out again, hahahaha."
Kyle,I'm still breaking your Xbox.
Cartman,"What? No. No.  Kyle, no!"
Announcer,"Live, from Chicago, Illinois, it's Decision 2008."
Moderator,Good evening and welcome to the political debate between Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama.  First question: How do you see yourself as different from your opponent?
Stan,"Ugh, Dad, can we please not watch this?"
Randy,"This is important, Stanley!  You boys should care about this stuff."
Cartman,"Yeah, but we totally don't."
Randy,Well you boys are gonna sit and watch this! This is what really matters!
Moderator,"And so, Mr. Obama, why don't you tell us your stance on military spending?"
Barack Obama,"Well, my opinion is that-"
Announcer,We interrupt this debate for an emergency news bulletin! It's... Britney Watch!  Keeping you up-to-date with all your Britney Spears news!
Butters,Man...
Randy,"Oh-oh boy, what's she done now?"
Anchorman,"Britney Spears has been spotted camping in the Colorado mountains, and one report claims that she has taken a piss... in the forest. Robert Pooner has more."
Robert Pooner,"Ron, I'm standing in South Mark, Colorado, where Britney Spears has apparently been trying to get away from it all."
Cartman,"Aw dude, that's our town!"
Robert Pooner,"Ms. Spears was spotted at a mountain campground , and you won't believe what she did, Ron. The troubled diva took a piss. Right on a ladybug. We've blurred out parts of the photo so that it doesn't offend."
Randy,She's such a train wreck!
Robert Pooner,"When the photo is enhanced, Ron, you can see the poor little ladybug getting doused."
Ron,"This must be very embarrassing for Britney that this photo got out, Bob, and, and she looks like she's gained weight."
Robert Pooner,"That's right, Ron, she really chubbed up. And if you zoom in on her face, you can see that she's got some zits!"
Butters,"Aw, poor girl."
Randy,"Hey Sharon, Britney peed on a ladybug."
Ron,"The photograph was taken by Brian Willis of Bailey, Colorado , who sold it to 31 News for a hundred thousand dollars."
Kyle,A hundred thousand dollars?
Cartman,That's enough to buy slaves!
Ron,Britney is said to be now hiding out in a South Park motel. Aand now back to the stupid Democratic debates.
Hillary Clinton,...and spearchuckers.
Kyle,Did you guys hear that?! A hundred thousand dollars for a picture of Britney.
Stan,And she's at a hotel in our town.
Kyle,"It's gotta be the Komfort Inn. It's the nicest hotel in South Park. Cartman, go get your camera."
Cartman,Sweet!
Butters,"Hey, hanguh, hang on, fellas, don't you think Britney's been through enough? I mean, maybe it's finally time for us all to just leave her alone."
Stan,"Butters, don't be such a pussy."
Butters,Hokay.
Kyle,A hundred thousand for a picture of Britney peeing on a ladybug. Imagine what a photo of her crapping on a squirrel is worth!
Butters,"Well this costume was supposed to be for the Easter musical, fellas, not for tryin' to make an easy buck!"
Stan,Oh no.
Kyle,"Excuse us, we're trying to get a picture of Britney Spears!"
Photographer 1,Join the club.
Photographer 2,"Yeah, all you amateur photographers are makin' this tougher on the professionals!"
Cartman,"We're professionals too, you fuckin' butthole!"
Guard,"Ah ah, nobody goes upstairs."
Kyle,"We uh, we have special permission?"
Stan,"Yeah, don't you recognize us? We're Britney Spears' kids."
Guard,You are?
Butters,Not me! I'm a squirrel!
Britney,But now everybody thinks I hate ladybugs. I didn't even know it was there. I can't take it anymore. I'm just sooo-
Guard,"Excuse me, Ms. Spears, but your kids are here and they've brought you a squirrel."
Britney,My boys? Really? Send them in.  It's okay. My kids are here. I feel better now.
Kyle,We did it guys!
Stan,I told you that would work!
The Boys,"Yehehahah, all right!"
Kyle,Ahall right!
Britney,"You mean, it was just a joke? My kids ain't here?"
Kyle,"All right. Butters, go get next to her."
Butters,I ain't doin' it! We tricked her and it wasn't nice!
Stan,"Butters, do you want your share of the hundred thousand dollars or not?"
Britney,"You're never gonna leave me alone, are you?"
Butters,It ain't right to take advantage of somebody no matter who they are!
Kyle,"All right, fine! We don't need you, Butters!"
Stan,"Yeah, we'll just get a picture of her doing something else."
Cartman,"All right lady, just flash us your crotch or somethin'."
Britney,I've got a better idea.
Stan,You do?
Britney,Yeah.
"Stan, Kyle",NO!
Butters,You killed her!
Guard,"Hey, everything all right u-. Oh."
Nurse,"Paging Dr. Bender? Paging Dr. Bender, please?"
Stan,We should have just left her alone. But we just had to push her.
Kyle,How could we know she would... Aw we suck so hard.
Doctor,She's... alive.
Kyle,Whew.
Stan,"Oh, thank God."
Doctor,"But, we almost lost her. Why couldn't you boys just leave her alone?"
Kyle,"Doctor, could we talk to her for a minute?"
Doctor,I don't want you making her upset.
Stan,"We don't wanna upset her, we just want to tell her that we're sorry."
Doctor,All right.
Doctor,"Ms. Spears, these boys wanted to say something."
Kyle,Oh my God!
Stan,Oh no!
Doctor,"The boys are just shocked at how good you look, Britney.  Right, boys?!"
Kyle,"Oh, yeah. Yeh-yeah. It's a-it's not even noticeable."
Doctor,"Well, I'll let you boys have your say."
Stan,"Ms. Spears, uh... we're... really... sorry for making you want to kill yourself."
Kyle,"Oh, God, what have we done?!"
Announcer,It's Britney Watch! Keeping you up-to-date with all your Britney Spears news!
Reporter,"You won't believe what Britney's done now. The troubled pop star has just been spotted with a crazy ""no top part of my head"" look. This video  was taken just hours ago as Britney was wheeled into the hospital for some reason. And if we zoom in on the footage, right, ri-right here , you can also definitely see a boob job scar. No doubt now that she's had plastic surgery in the past."
Anchorman,"O ho ho, oh houch, that's gotta be embarrassing. Chris, any word on why Ms. Spears went for this radical ""no top of the head"" look?"
Chris,"No word yet, Tom, but it could be over the embarrassment of the boob job scar video we showed just, just now. Uh, even though the timing doesn't quite work out."
Kyle,Dude!
Doctor,"Damn it, she can't handle any stress right now!"
Manager,"Excuse me, I'm Britney Spears' manager.  Oh, jeez, Britney! Britney, what were ya thinkin'? First you shave your head and now this."
Britney,Guglo.
Manager,"Well, it's a ballsy new look, I'll give you that."
Paparazzo,"Brit! Over here, Brit. One for Star Weekly."
Doctor,Damn it you have to take her out of here; she can't be around all this right now.
Britney,"Right. We need to take her home. Boys, can you give me a hand with her?"
Stan,"Yeah, of course."
Manager,"Okay, come on!  My car is right here."
Photographer 3,Hey look!
Photographer 4,There she is!
Kyle,Oh crap!
Stan,Jesus Christ!
Manager,"Yeah yeah, it's like this all the time.  Thank you! Yes, thanks."
Stan,"Look, uh, we feel really bad, and, and we wanna help Britney however we can."
Manager,"That's great, boys. Britney seems to have really taken a liking to you. And don't worry: Britney is a queen at reinventing herself. We just need to get her into the recording studio right away."
Kyle,What?!
Manager,"All right, Britney, let's take it from the top. Remember to bring that sexiness to it."
Kyle,"Excuse me, is this really what you think she should be doing right now?"
Sound Engineer,"All right, Brit, let's try it from the top."
Female Aide,"God, what a train wreck."
Male Aide,She must be stoned again.
Stan,"Would you put a stop to this, please? This is only gonna make things worse."
Manager,"Whattaya mean? She sounds great.  Ah, Britney, that last lyric is supposed to be ""love elation"". Sounds more like you're saying ""love creation""."
Britney,Gogehah.
Manager,E-la-tion. Really enunciate the L.
Britney,Egeul-gageol
Sound Engineer,"Gah, she's so stupid."
Stan,What do you expect?! Look at her! She doesn't have most of her brain!
Sound Engineer,"I know. She's really dumb, huh?"
Stan,"No, I mean, she literally doesn't have most of her brain! Her head is gone!"
Sound Engineer,"Yeah. And she's all fat, too."
Britney,Okel?
Announcer,"Live, from Las Vegas, it's the MTV Video Music Awards"
VJ,"What's up, y'all? It's the MTV Awards and we are kickin' it off right. Here to perform her new song is the one, and only, Britney Spears!"
Kyle,"Aw come on now, people!"
Woman,"Oh my God, she's really gotten chubby."
Singers,The way she fee-els.  Love inside.
Man,"Oh man, she's totally lip-syncing."
Stan,She doesn't have any lips!
Singers,Temporary.  So hot!
Reporter,"Disaster at the MTV awards. People are ridiculing Britney Spears. Her performance was awful, Tom. She looked tired, she looked fat, she didn't have a head. It was just completely phoned in. No doubt, Tom, that girl has major issues."
Manager,"Don't listen to 'em, Brit! They're all just jealous. And we can put you on SlimFast tomorrow.  Hang on, hang on, she'll be out in a minute."
Stan,"We have to get her away from all this, dude. People just aren't gonna let up. We have to take her somewhere to just be at peace."
Kyle,"Dude, where in the world can Britney Spears go where nobody will bother her?"
Stan,I know where.
Stan,We want three tickets to the North Pole.
Clerk,The North Pole?  Who the hell goes to the North Pole?
Stan,"We do. Me, my friend, and his aunt."
Announcer,It's Britney Wowtch!
Ron,A distraught Britney Spears has apparently disappeared and abandoned all those close to her. A local housewife caught a photo of Britney running away in this disguise!
Robert Pooner,"Britney is obviously very upset about her MTV performance, Ron, and so she's become desperate. Most troubling for her is the fact that her disguise has total camel toe."
Ron,"Oooooh, ouch!"
Anchorwoman,"Oh boy, now, Leslie, this seems like a really bad camel toe offense."
Leslie,"Absolutely major camel toe, Tracy. Britney just seems oblivious. She was bound to get noticed: you walk around with that kind of cam toe and you're gonna turn heads."
Ron,"Eh, David, any idea as to how big the camel toe actually was?"
Robert Pooner,"She was sportin' toe like never before, Brian. I, I don't know what's wrong with that girl, but, it's a slap in the face to camels all over the planet."
Ron,Those close to Britney say they are very worried and want to bring her home safe. And now back to the local news.
Tracy,The giant squirrel which was picked up last week by animal control apparently now thinks it's a person. Colorado officials have taken the squirrel to Johns-Hopkins for psychiatric evaluation.
Ron,"Hm, that squirrel is obviously nuts."
Kyle,"Platform 4F. Uhhh, it must be on the other side of the station."
Paparazzo,There she is! It's Britney!
Stan,Oh no.
Stan,"Dude, they're never gonna let us through."
Kyle,Yes they are! I have an idea.
Paparazzo 2,Britney? Where'd she go?
Paparazzo 3,There she is!
Stan,"It's okay, you'll be in the North Pole soon."
Manager,"There she is. Hey Britney, it's me.  Britney. It's over. What were you runnin' for anyway?"
Reporter,"Hey, wait a minute. Where's her camel toe?!"
Kyle,"I'm not Britney Spears, all right?!"
Paparazzo 5,"Ooo, psych!"
Manager,She must be back at the train station; come on!
Kyle,"Now, wait a minute! Everyone just stop for one minute!  Look, you guys are gonna end up killing her. Can't you see that Britney isn't in any condition to handle this crap anymore? I know watching celebrities go down can be fun. Me and my friends are just as guilty as all of you, but maybe, we'll just, maybe, ...it's time to let this one go. Just this one time, let's, let's all stop before it's too late, huh?"
Paparazzo 6,"Son, you don't seem to understand. Britney Spears... has to die."
Kyle,Huh?
Paparazzo 7,What do you think all this effort has been for?
Manager,It cannot be stopped. The purpose is too great.
Officer,She must... die.
Background Singers,Hetus. Alte omnebus.  Virtu e poquebus.
Narrator,"Little Stanley was tired and hungry. But he knew that for Britney Spears to be safe, he had to get her to the North Pole."
Stan,"You doing okay, Ms. Spears?"
Conductor,"It's her. Um no, I'm sure it's Britney Spears;  it looks just like the picture.  You want me to, to what? Yes, I understand.  Rectus. Hoc honebus"
Elderly Man,"Hello, I'm Bob Summers, so happy you picked our little town."
Kyle,What is going on?! Why do you want Britney Spears to die?!
Bob Summers,"Well nobody wants her to die, little boy. We all simply... need her to. Do you understand?"
Kyle,NO!
Paparazzo 8,"Look, kid, throughout history people have found it necessary to engage in... human sacrifice."
Bob Summers,"In ancient times, humans would commonly pick one lovely girl, adorn her with jewels, treat her like a goddess, and then... watch her die."
Paparazzo 9,"We like to think we're more civilized now, but the truth is our lust for torture and death is no different than it was in gladidator times."
Paparazzo 10,Only difference is that now we like to watch people put to death through magazines and photographs.
Canadian Paparazzo,It's a damn shame too. Old ways were bettah. Used to be we just picked someone by lottery and then stoned them to death.
Woman,Stonin' to death was too violent. Rather have the sacrifice kill itself.
Kyle,You mean everyone has been wanting Britney Spears to kill herself?
Man,"Britney was chosen a long time ago, to be built up and adored, and then sacrificed. For harvest."
Paparazzo 11,"All right, everyone's about here."
Kyle,Who's everyone?! Who all is in on this?!
Male passenger,"Hey, where are we? This isn't right."
Stan,Oh no!
Britney,Ohhh thoooo!
Stan,"Come on, Britney!  Come on, come on!"
Kyle,"Mom, Dad!  They're gonna kill her! They're going to in-. Wait, what are you doing here?"
Gerald,"It's okay, Kyle. Just... be a good boy."
Kyle,Be a good boy? You know all about this?
Stan,"Kyle, what the fuck is going on now?"
Kyle,"She's been built up to be sacrificed, Stan!"
Stan,Sacrificed? For what?
Randy,"For harvest, Stanley. Same reason we've always done it."
Canadian Paparazzo,"Sacrifice in March, corn have plenty starch."
Kyle,Corn harvest!
Randy,"We haven't told you about it, Stanley, because we, we like to wait until kids are a little older to talk to them about things like condoms and ritualistic human sacrifice for harvest."
Stan,"All right, enough already! This has all gone on long enough!"
Manager,The kid is right. This has gone on too long.
Paparazzo 12,Yeah. She was supposed to have killed herself a long time ago.
Farmer,And harvest is coming soon.
Bob Summers,"All right, folks, let's finish this quickly."
Stan,No wait.
Woman 2,"Come on, hurry up."
Woman 3,"I can't run. You go ahead, I'll catch up with ya."
Mother,Here Davey.
Bob Summers,Hold on.
Doctor,She's dead.
Randy,"Well, I think it's time for us to leave the poor girl alone."
Gil,Mornin' Bill.
Bill,Mornin' Gil.
Gil,Nice-lookin' corn.
Sheila,"Hey Sharon, Randy, great harvest, huh?"
Randy,An incredible harvest. Some of the best corn I've seen in years.
ET Reporter,"She's the daughter of a country singer, and the young girl has really taken the country by storm. Hannah Montana's Miley Cyrus, though only fifteen years old, is already on her way to being a major superstar."
Jimbo,"Hey, check it out!"
Randy,Looks like next harvest will be even better.
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, kids, we have something very serious we need to discuss today, hm'kay? It appears that some kids in school are getting high by choking themselves. Some kids call it ""The Choking Game"", hm'kay but, but choking yourself is bad. Hm'kay? Don-, don't do that. Hm'kay?"
Kyle,You can get high from choking yourself?
Mr. Mackey,"Schoolchildren are often experimenting with dangerous ways to get high, hm'kay, like sniffin' glue, guzzlin' cough medicine, huffin' paint, hm'kay? But they're all bad. M'kay?"
Butters,"Mm-my cousin's in Florida, and said kids in their school get high off of cat pee."
Cartman,Cat pee?
Stan,"That's not true. You can't get high off of cat urine, can you?"
Mr. Mackey,"Well, it's a it's not actually cat urine, but male cats, when they're marking their territory, uh spread concentrated urine to fend off other male cats and... a-and that could get you really high. M'kay? Re-really reeeally high. Okay?  Probably shou-shouldn't have told you that just now. Hm'kay? Tha, that was probably bad."
Cartman,"All right, this should keep my cat in place while he spreads the urine.  Yesss, poor Mr. Kitty, are you just so upset right now?"
Kyle,You guys are wasting your time.
Stan,"Yeah, this is not gonna work."
Cartman,"Okay, ready Kenny?"
Kenny,(All set.)
Cartman,"All right, bring out...! The other male cat."
Kenny,(Ow.)
Kyle,Whoa!
Stan,Do you feel anything?
Cartman,"Well, Kenny? Are you buzzed?"
Kenny,(Hey cool! Check it out!)
Father,I see that you're enticed by my daughter's awesome rocking tits.
Kenny,(Yeahhh!)
Father,Then bathe with my daughter in the fountain of Varnov. Appease the gods by lathering her boobs with soapy suds.
Kenny,(Okay.)
Cartman,"Kenny! Kenny, wake up!  Wake up, Kenny! You all right? Kenny!"
Kenny,(What?)  (Where'd she go?)
Cartman,"Dude, that cat urine really fucked you up. You were seriously tripping balls."
Kenny,(You fucking asshole!)
Cartman,"Agh, Kenny! Knock it off! What's wrong with you?"
Kenny,(What the fuck did you do that for?)
Cartman,"Ah, Kenny!"
Kyle,"Dude! Dude, Kenny, calm down!"
Kenny,"(Oh, I was so close! You should have seen those titties.)"
Stan,What titties?
Kenny,"(The titties! Oh my god, they were incredible!)"
Kyle,"Kenny, all you did after the cat peed in your face was start running around in circles cheering."
Stan,"Yeah, and then you ran through town screaming and started tearing off all your clothes."
Kenny,(I almost... touched them.)
Kyle,"Dude, I don't think we should be messing around with that crap anymore."
Announcer,Next on FOX News!  It's the newest drug craze. and it's killing your kids!
Gerald,Killing our kids?
Reporter,"All over America, kids are getting high... on cat urine!  Huffing cat urine apparently causes a euphoric state  and is also referred to as... cheesing.  Why ""cheesing""? Because it's ""fon to due"".  This sixth grade girl said she's been snorting cat piss for several months."
Girl,"We sometimes sneak out during recess and a friend named _________ goes and gets her cats, and we'll just cheese all day long."
Gerald,Oh my God! Sheila! Come look at this!
Reporter,"So how can you tell if your child is cheesing? 1. Your child seems distant, preoccupied.2. Your child's face smells like cat urine.3. When you see tigers at the zoo, your child starts grinding his or her teeth.You might also notice by certain phrases your child says to school friends, such as ""Hey, let's go cheese."" or ""Do you feel like cheesing, guys?"" or ""Dude, I'm cheesing my F-ing brains out right now."""
Sheila,Kids are doing this?
Reporter,Kids do it because it's legal.  What can you do before it's too late?
Gerald,"We have to protect our children from this, Sheila."
Gerald,"Twenty percent of American students aged six to twelve say they have tried cheesing at least once. Kids also refer to it as ""the cheese game"", or ""vitamin cheese"", or ""Mary Jane piss in your face fun time"". Cheesing is spreading fast."
Sharon,"All right, we're all sufficiently scared, Gerald, but what could we do?"
Gerald,I have written up a bill that would make having a cat illegal in the city of South Park.
Stephen,"Gerald's right. We all have to face it. Cats are deadly animals! If you stick your nose up their crotch and snort their piss, they can kill you!"
Gerald,"With my super lawyer powers, we can rid our town of cats, so that our kids can never get high again!"
Randy,Let's hear it for Gerald!
Stephen,Hooray for Gerald!
Ruby Tucker,No! No!
Agent 1,"Oh wah wah! Get over it, druggie.  Jeez..."
Girl 2's Father,"Goodbye, Scrambles.  We'll miss you."
Agent 2,Got two here.
Kenny,(Hey! What the hell are you doing?!)
Agent 1,"Sorry, these are illegal."
Kenny,(What?! No! What are you doing?!)  (You fuckers!)
Cartman,"Look, I told you, I had a cat. But I had it put to sleep 'cause it pissed me off.  Shh. Mr. Kitty, you have to live in the attic for now.  Here. Write a diary."
Kyle,"Guys, have you seen Kenny?"
Stan,"Nah, I think Kenny's out sick today."
Kyle,"Yeah, and he was out sick yesterday too. Guys...  I think Kenny isn't here because he's at home cheesing."
Butters,"Aww, come on. Kenny knows how dangerous cheesing is."
Stan,"Yeah, and where is he gonna find cats anyway? They've been outlawed."
Cartman,"Yeah, who has cats these days?"
Kyle,"Pot's illegal too, but people still manage to find it. Ever since that first time Kenny cheesed, he hasn't been the same. You've all noticed the change in him. I'll bet Kenny's at home cheesing right now."
Kenny,(Woohoohoo! Woooohoooo! Woooohoohoo!)
Kyle,Kenny?
Stan,"Kenny, you home?"
Kenny,(Wooooooooo! Woo! Wazzup? Wazzup?)
Kyle,Kenny!
Kenny,(Wazzup? Ho-Ho! Wooooooo!)
Butters,"Whoa boy, he's cheesed out of his mind!"
"Stan, Kyle",Kenny!
Butters,"There you go. Well, try some coffee, Ken."
Kyle,"Kenny, we need to have a serious talk."
Kenny,"(No we don't, guys.)"
Stan,"Yes, we do. We're your friends, dude. We're not gonna let you ruin your life."
Kenny,"(I'm not ruining my life, okay, you God damned fucking psychos.)"
Kyle,Look at yourself! You've got to lay off the cheese!
Butters,"Yeah, that's it little buddy. Just let it out."
Stan,"Kenny, I know we're super-cool and everything, but if we ever catch you cheesing again, we're gonna tell on you."
Kenny,"(Oh okay, okay, I just wanna sleep now.)"
Butters,"Yeah, he needs some sleepy night-night, doesn't he, buddy?"
Kyle,We've gotta keep this away from him.
Cartman,"Mr. Kitty, shhh!  Damn it!  Shhh, Mr. Kitty you have to be quiet, or else they're gonna find you.  What?!  It's the neighbor cat. He hasn't been caught yet.  No- no, Mr. Kitty. I know you like Rufus, but he has to fend for himself.  I can't hide anymore cats, Mr. Kitty.  I'm in trouble enough as it is.  All right, all right, fine."
Cartman,"All right. Come on, Rufus. Quietly.  Oh jeez, no, no, I can't hide you all.  I'm sorry, you'll just have to find somewhere else to-  Well, I suppose I'll get in just as much trouble for four cats as for two. Come on."
Sheila,Huh?  Oh my God...
Gerald,"Kyle! Kyle, can we talk to you for a minute, please?"
Kyle,Yeah?
Gerald,"Kyle, have you been getting high?!"
Kyle,No.
Gerald,Then why did your mother find this  in your dresser drawer?!
Kyle,"All right, look, th-that isn't mine. I'm just holding it for a friend."
Sheila,"Don't lie to us, Kyle!"
Gerald,How long have you been on the cheese?!
Kyle,I'm not cheesing. I've never cheesed once in my life.
Gerald,Get up to your room right now until your mother and I figure out how to deal with this!
Kyle,"Dad, will you just listen to me for a second?"
Gerald,"Now, Kyle!"
Kyle,God!
Sheila,"Gerald, what are we gonna do? Our son is a cat pee addict!"
Gerald,First thing is we've gotta dispose of this!
Sheila,What are you gonna do?
Gerald,"I'd better just... take it down to the basement for now, m-make sure Kyle can't find it."
Gerald,"No. No, what am I thinking? I shouldn't do this.  I've been clean for ten... years. I haven't even been near a cat.  But then that report said our kids were doing it too, and... and I knew Kyle would have the same sicknesses I used to have... Now a cat is in our home, and it's too tempting.  I... I'll just do it one more time.  One. Last. Time.  Then I'll call the police; have them pick up the cat.  And then I'll never do it again.  After this one... last... time..."
Gerald,I couldn't stay away. Curse your rockin' tits!
Cartman,Who is it?!
Woman,Please! Open the door.  They say you are hiding cats.
Cartman,"Hiding cats?  Why, that would be illegal."
Woman,"You don't understand  My little Nishka,  She has nowhere else to go."
Cartman,"Oh oh no no, I cannot possibly take in another."
Woman,But they will find him.
Cartman,"I've already taken in the Andersons' cats, and the Willinskys'. There's simply nothinng else I can-  Then again... perhaps I could find space for just this one more..."
Woman,"Oh, you show such kindness in such darkest of times."
Cartman,"What the hell?  Kenny, get out of here!"
Kenny,(Woooooh! Woooooh!)
Cartman,"Aw, crap- Kenny!  Bad. Kitties."
Kyle,Dad! Somebody's at the front door!  Well am I grounded or not?!  Ugh. Fine! I'll get it!
Stan,"Dude, we've got a big problem. Cartman says Kenny is really messed up."
Cartman,"He's cheesing his fucking balls off, dude."
Kyle,What?
Stan,He apparently got to all the cats Cartman's been hiding in his attic.
Kyle,"What are you doing with cats in your attic, fatass?!"
Cartman,"They're innocent victims in this, Kyle! They have to hide or they'll be put to death! Something you just can't understand!"
Stan,"Come on, we've gotta find Kenny before he hurts himself."
Kyle,"I can't. My dad grounded me. Wait a minute, where is my dad?"
Gerald,Hey everybody. Good to see you again.
Father,Hold! You cannot yet caress my daughter's awesome boobage!
Gerald,Huh... how come?
Father,There is... another suitor.
Gerald,"What?  Get out of here, kid!"
Kenny,"(No, fuck you! She's my girl!)"
Gerald,You're too young for this stuff!
Father,This must be decided at the Breastriary in Nippopolis!
Father,Now fight for the Loc-Nar trophy!
Kyle,Dad? Dad! What the hell are you doing?!
Jimbo,They've been goin' at it for a good thirty minutes.
Gerald,"She's mine, you little asshole!"
Kenny,(Get the fuck off of me!)
Sheila,Gerald?!
Reporter,The key proponent of the cat ban has been charged with cheesing in a public park. Gerald Broflovski is prepared to give a public statement.
Gerald,I would like to address a personal matter: I have let myself down. And I would first like to apologize to my lovely wife.
Sheila,Don't touch me.
Gerald,"And to the people of South Park.  I was wrong, and I can't let cats take the fall anymore. It's our fault. The people who use cats for their sweet urine.  We have to learn that cheesing just isn't worth it. Sure, you get to fight in the Breastriary, and swim in the Fountains of Varnov with the Itty Titty Fairies of Mammary Mountain."
Stan,What the hell is he talking about?
Kyle,I have no idea.
Gerald,"And then you fight the Boob Goblin in the Gazongas Cave, and then the girl may thank you for it. But she. Isn't. Real."
Randy,And you never really get a good look at her naked boobs anyway.
Gerald,"Problem is, the more you into that world, the more you need to go. Until you start blowing off all the real people who care about you."
Kenny,(Yeah. I guess so.)
Gerald,"Cats aren't the problem. We made cats illegal and and then I cheesed for the first time in ten years. And kids are always gonna find a new way to get high. Like sniffing glue or licking toads, or fermenting feces or huffing paint. You can also look at-"
Stephen,"Uh okay, that's probably good, Gerald."
Gerald,"The point is, I was wrong. Its time to legalize cats!  Heh yeah! Hooray for Gerald! Hey, let's hear it for Gerald!"
Girl 2's Father,"Scrambles! So good to have you back! You ain't sore at us, are ya?  Ahh! Get him off!"
Stan,I'm sure glad that's over with.
Kenny,(Me too.)
Cartman,"But you know, we've all learned something, you guys. We can never persecute living beings and force them into hiding. It's wrong."
Kyle,And you don't see any parallel between that and anything else in history?
Cartman,"Mmmmmmmmmm nope. I have no idea what you're talking about, Kyle."
Stan,You guys! Check it out.  It's Kenny.  Isn't that great? He's just getting high on life.
Kyle,Yeah.  He's getting... really high on life.
Cartman,"Dude, he's getting super-wasted on life."
Kyle,Kenny!
Stan,What the hell kind of flowers are those?
Kyle,Kenny? Kenny?!
Mr. Mackey,"Students, quiet please, m'kay? As you may or may not know, today is Canada Appreciation Day."
Cartman,"Oh God, I'm bored already."
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, so we've been asked to show you a video from the World Canadian Bureau. Uh start the tape please?"
WCB President,"Hello, I am Stephen Abootman, President of the World Canadian Bureau. Do you ever stop to think how important Canada is to the world? Right now, I would like all students of Canadian descent in this school to stand up.  Just look at all these fine Canadians in your school. See how diverse they are. When you think of Canada, what's the one thing that comes to mind?"
Cartman,Gayness!
Stephen Abootman,That's right: spirit! What is it that makes Canada so important?
Craig,Nothing!
Stephen Abootman,"My fellow Canadians, for too long we have been pushed around, and ridiculed! Yesterday was supposed to be a day of appreciation and understanding! Instead, Canada Appreciation Day was mocked worldwide!"
Man 1,Nobody takes us Canadians seriousleh!
Lumberjack,"It's like the world doesn't respect Canada at all, eh?"
Stephen Abootman,That's right! And I think it's time for Canada to show the world just how bad things would be without it! Together we can send a message! It's time for Canada ...to strike!
Woman 1,Did you say strike?
Stephen Abootman,Yes! Every Canadian join me! Join together!
Man 2,"Canada, on strike."
Man 3,"Canada, on strike."
Canadians,"Canadaaa! Canadaaa! Canadaaa! Caaanaaadaaa!Canada on strike! Canada says ""No more!""No more neglect! We want respect! That's what we're striking for!All you bureaucrats and corporate cats"
Border Guard,Can all just take a hike!
Canadians,"It's Canaada! On Strike!Canada on strike! From Vancouver to St. John's ,We raise our middle fingers for you all to sit upon!And with our fingers up your ass,you won't be very psychedIt's Canada! On Strike!And we will not bow a bunch! Our resolve is strong!We even took three hours to rehearse this striking song! Canada on strike! No matter where you are,If you are Canadian then you've got to do your part!March out of the halls!"
Café 180 Patron,"That's right, suck my Canadian balls!It's Canada! On Strike!"
Canadians,It's Canada! Canada! Canada! On Strike!
Swiss Delegate,"Ahhh, when you say ""Canada is on strike"", what exactly do you mean?"
Stephen Abootman,"What do you think it means?!  We're striking, buddih! No more! That's it! Until we get what we want"
French Delegate,Who exactly are you to authorize this strike?
Stephen Abootman,I'm Stephen Abootman! Leader of the WGA!
French Delegate,The WGA?
Stephen Abootman,Yes! The World Canadian Bureau!
French Delegate,What exactly does Canada want?
Stephen Abootman,We want: more... money!
Aide 1,Yeah! More money!
Japanese Delegate,More money from where?
Stephen Abootman,"Just more money! You know! Canada doesn't get enough money! Other countries have lots of money; we want, we want some of that money! Hu- how about- the Internet? The Internet makes lots of money! So give us some of that money!"
Aide 1,Yeah! Give us Internet money!
British Delegate,"A Mister A- Abootman, you seem to- not understand how ...global economics works. I think that-"
Stephen Abootman,Don't give me that fat-cat fancy lip-wiggling! Are you gonna give Canada more money or not?!
British Delegate,I'm afraid we can't.
Stephen Abootman,Then you leave Canada no choice.  This strike shall continue!
Husband,"""Honk if you support Canada"" He- hey honey, watch this."
Wife,"Oh, we're supporting unions."
Husband,That's right; we're a very progressive couple.
Wife,"Yes.  Oh, that's fun!"
Husband,Well we've done our good deed for the week. I think now I can make love to your anus without making God angry.
Wife,Oh really? Goodie!
Kyle,"Guys, I'm really worried about my brother."
Cartman,We don't care. *urp*
Kyle,"You should care! This strike affects everybody, fatass!"
Stan,"Sh ush ush, it'sa it's on!"
Butters,Yippie!
Announcer,It's the Terrance and Phillip Show.  Today's episode: I Fart Huckabees.
Butters,"Aww, this one again?!"
Stan,"God, they've replayed this one like eighty times now!"
Terrance,"Say Phillip, I just bought this new hybrid car."
Phillip,Oh? Does it run on electricity?
Terrance,"No, it uses natural gas."
Phillip,Not as fat as your face!
Butters,"Huh, it somehow loses its punch after multiple viewings."
Cartman,"God damn it, when are they going to air new Terrance and Phillip shows?!"
Kyle,There aren't gonna be new shows! Don't you get it?! Terrance and Phillip are Canadian! We have to get Canada to end this strike!
Stan,It's not a big deal. We can just watch American comedy.
Peter Griffin,"You think that's bad? Remember the time I sang ""La Cucaracha"" for Paul McCartney?"
Cartman,No! NOOO!
Peter Griffin,La Cucaracha-  We are NOT... resorting to that!
Canadians,We want more! We want more!
Stephen Abootman,"One, two, three, four, Canada deserves more (money)! One, two, three, four, Canada deserves more (money)!"
Terrance,"Look, buddih, me and Phillip need to go home for a bit."
Stephen Abootman,Go home?! You can't leave the picket line!
Terrance,"But this is taking too long, and Phillip is diabetic."
Stephen Abootman,"Look, guy, we are to stay strong! If you don't stand with your fellow Canadians, then you are a rat!"
Terrance,"Don't call me a rat, buddih!"
Stephen Abootman,"I'm not your buddih, friend!"
Phillip,"He's not your friend, guy!"
Stephen Abootman,"I'm not your guy, buddih!"
Terrance,"He's not your buddih, friend!"
Stephen Abootman,"I'm not your friend, guy!  Don't you two understand anything?! You think striking is a joke?! You think it's something to ridicule?!"
Weird Hat Guy,"Yah, you think this is funnih?"
Stephen Abootman,Don't you see that we have to stand together or else we have nothing?!
Aide 1,Stephen! Stephen! A call came in from the United States! They want to talk to you aboot ending the strike!
Stephen Abootman,"What did I tell you?! I told you we'd get to them sooner or later!  Shh, shh, quiet everyone! Let me handle this.  Yes. This is Stephen Abootman, head of the WGA."
Kyle,"Uh, hi, we want you to end this strike."
Stephen Abootman,"Oh you do, huh?!  They've had enough. They want us to end the strike.  Quiet, quiet, shh, shh, sh- quiet, quiet! Let me deal with this.  All right, we're prepared to end this strike! If you are agreeing that we should have more monihhh!"
Kyle,We totally think you should have more money.
Stephen Abootman,"Wwe got 'em! We did it!  All right, how much are you gonna give us?"
Kyle,Huh? Well we don't really have that much money.
Stephen Abootman,"Oh, negotiating hardball, are we?! What about all that Internet money?!"
Kyle,The Internet?
Stephen Abootman,"You listen to me, friend!  You'd better figure out a way to get us our fair amount of money, and until you come back with a solid fair number, I'm finished talking to you, you slimy corporate dickhead!  Don't worry, don't worry. This is how negotiating works. This is good. We've got 'em by the balls."
Stan,What'd they say?
Kyle,They said we have to give them money that we make on the Internet.
Cartman,How are we supposed to make money on the Internet?
Butters,"Well, how do other people make money on the Internet?"
Kyle,We'd have to put something up on the Internet that everyone would find fascinating.
Cartman,Wait. I've got it.
Butters,"I said what what? In the buttI said what what? In the buttI said what what? In the butt I said what what? In the buttYou wanna do it in my butt, in my butt?You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt?You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? Let's do it in the butt. O-kay!It's okayIh-if you have a little fightDon't you worryI won't bite (Not that hard)If you want itI'll give you powerJust be gentleI'm delicate like a flowerGive it to me, if you pleaseGive it to me, if you please"
A Nun,Oh my.
Butters,"I said what what? In the buttI said what what? In the buttI said what what? In the buttI said what what? In the buttYou wanna do it in my butt, in my butt?You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt?You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt?Let's do it in the butt. O-kay!"
Cartman,There's more people viewing it!
Stan,This is going great!
Kyle,"Don't worry, Ike! The strike will be over soon!"
Tom,"And in other world news, the leader of Japan today is calling for an increase in military spending."
Aide 1,How come they never mention anything about us?! When are they gonna get to the strike?!
Stephen Abootman,"Don't worry, the strike is big news. I'm sure it will be one of the top stories."
Tom,"In other news tonight, it the Internet video that has already seen over ten million views. A young confused-looking boy dancing and singing a song called ""What What (In My Asshole)""."
Reporter,"Tom, in just one week the video has become the most watched thing in all of America.  The boy in the video, referred to by most as ""that little gay kid"",  has already been asked to appear on Jimmy Kimmel and The Today Show."
Stephen Abootman,Aw damn it that's not news! What about us?!
Phillip,"Look, ah, Stephen, Terrance and I were talking andeh, well it's, it's starting to look like maybe we're not gonna win this thing, you know?"
Stephen Abootman,We'll win! We'll just have to stay resilient!
Phillip,"Wull, yeah, but everyone is dying of starvation."
Terrance,"Yeah, let's give it up, guy."
Stephen Abootman,"Don't call me your guy! I'm not your guy, friend!"
Terrance,"Well I'm not your friend, buddih!"
Stephen Abootman,"Well I'm not your buddih, guy!"
Woman 2,Wait! Here it is! Turn it up! We're on!
Tom,"And finally tonight, a new development in the Canada strike. For those of you who don't remember or don't care, Canada has been striking for more money."
Stephen Abootman,"All right! Shh! I told you, I told you, listen, listensh, listen listen listen."
Tom,"In a shocking turn of events, it now appears that thousands of people from Denmark are flooding into the United States with hopes of taking the place of the striking Canadians."
Stephen Abootman,What?
Female Reporter,Do you really think you Danish can replace the Canadians?
Danish Man,"Well, where we come from it's pretty cold too, ja. We like hockey and nobody really pays any attention to us."
Danish Woman,Nobody knows where Denmark is.
Danish Man,"Right. So when you think about it, we're the Canadians of Europe."
Stephen Abootman,SCABS! How could you?!
Stan,"Ah, hi. We made a really successful thing on the Internet, and we'd like to collect our money."
Clerk,Take a number and wait with everyone else.
Cartman,"Ma'am, perhaps you don't recognize the Internet sensation Little Gay Kid from YouToob."
Clerk,Take a number and wait with everyone else!
Black Man,Chocolate Raaain.
Butters,Aaah.
Tron Guy,"Hey, I know you. You're the ""What What (In My Asshole)"" kid."
Butters,"""What What (In The Butt),"" sir."
Stan,It's Tron Guy. I saw him on YouToob.
Tron Guy,"Yeah, sure. All the biggest Internet stars are here. You remember, of course, Numa Numa."
Numa Numa,"Ma-iyahi Ma-iyahu Ma-iyaho, Ma-iyaha ha"
Tron Guy,And the Star Wars kid.  And the Internet sensation Cute Sneezing Panda.  And there's Dramatic Look Gopher.
Cartman,"Wow, I've seen all you guys on the Internet!"
Chocolate Rain Guy,"So, how many people have seen your Internet video?"
Butters,Uhhh a few hundred thousand?
Chocolate Rain Guy,"Huh, mere peanuts. Chocolate Rain has done gangbusters. Theoretically, I'm a millionaire."
Cartman,"Dude, screw you. Your Internet thing was so last year."
Chris Crocker,Leave Chocolate Rain Guy alone! Leave him alohohone! I'm serious!
Kyle,Excuse me.  Hello?
Stephen Abootman,You greedy corporate fat cat. You said you would get us moneh.
Kyle,Wait we're working on it.
Stephen Abootman,You're stalling! Because you think I'll give up. You know that most Canadians are talkin' about giving up the strike already.  You've got me over a barrel and you know it!
Kyle,"Sir, we're doing everything we can."
Stephen Abootman,"You want me to say it again?! You've got me over a barrel! There, you happy?! You've got me bent over a barrel with my tender ass just waiting to be pulverized by your thrusting manhood!  Do you realize how stupid I'm going to look if I call off the strike after starting all this?! I won't do it! You hear me, guy?! You're wrong! No matter what happens I will never call of this strike! Even if it means we all. Die."
Kyle,We don't want you to die.
Stephen Abootman,Then you'd better hurry. We don't have much longer. The blood will be on your hands.
Kyle,"We have to speed this up!  Uh, can we collect our Internet money in front of you, please?"
Chocolate Rain Guy,I don't think so. Nothing takes priority over Chocolate Rain.
Star Wars Kid,"Oh, here he goes with the ego again. Who crowned you the top Internet star?!"
Chocolate Rain Guy,I did. When I became bigger than all you bitches.
Tron Guy,"Oh please, Laughing Baby had four times as many views as you!"
Chocolate Rain Guy,"You'd better shut your fuckin' mouth, Laughin' Baby!"
Afro Ninja,Did you all forget about Afro Ninja? My Internet thing was bigger than anybody's. I made over a hundred million theoretical dollars.
Star Wars Kid,Well Sneezing Panda is theoretically worth billions!
Chocolate Rain Guy,You all wanna motherfuckin' die?!
Chris Crocker,NOOO!
Numa Numa Guy,Haw!
Kyle,"Okay, forget it. We'll wait our turn."
Tron Guy,Hai Hayaaa!
Numa Numa,Ma-iyahi Ma-iyahu Ma-iyah-
Chris Crocker,Leave Tron Guy alone! Leave him alone!
Chocolate Rain Guy,"Get ready for some chocolate pain, bitch!"
Chris Crocker,"Leave the panda alone! Leave her alone, I'm serious!"
Chocolate Rain Guy,"Thought I forgot about you, Gopher?!  Ughhh, my brains."
Cartman,Sweet. I think we're next in line now.
Aide 1,"Stephen!, Stephen! They're here! They've come to negotiate!"
Stephen Abootman,What?! You mean it?!
Kyle,"Okay, we did it."
Stephen Abootman,Who the hell are you?
Stan,We're the ones you told to get Internet money.
Kyle,Here.  We made ten million theoretical dollars. It's all for you.
Stephen Abootman,Theoretical dollars? What am I supposed to do with that?!  You little timewasters!
Stan,"Hey, we worked really hard to get this theoretical money!"
Kyle,Yeah. Everyone thinks I'm a homo now.
Cartman,"...You are a homo, Butters."
Kyle,"Dude, will you just end this thing now?! My little brother is gonna die!"
Stephen Abootman,"Nooooo! I'm not gonna look like an idiot! If I fucked up and led everyone astray, the last thing I'm going to do and admit it!  Yes, this is the head of the WGA. The World Canadian Bureau."
Swiss Delegate,"Ah, Mr. Abootman. It's the global world summit leaders. We want to talk to you about the strike."
Stephen Abootman,You... You do? You wanna negotiate?!
French Delegate,"No, actually we were just wondering if, when you're all dead, we can use Newfoundland for a new global theme park."
Kyle,"Hello? Will you just give this guy something, please?!"
Swiss Delegate,Excuse me?
Kyle,"He just doesn't wanna look like an idiot, so he wants everyone to think the strike was for something. Just, just give him anything!"
French Delegate,"Well, we could give Canada some small consolation prize"
Kyle,"If they give you something small, will you end the strike?"
Stephen Abootman,Will they... act like they're giving Canada a lot so everyone thinks I did a good job?
Kyle,Can you act like you're giving him a lot?
Swiss Delegate,"Sure, why not?"
Stephen Abootman,We have won!
Lumberjack,Well how much did we get?
Stephen Abootman,"Well, we uh, we didn't get everything that we wanted, but... we negotiated hard and... we got these...  coupons to Bennigan's! And...  free bubblegum... for every Canadian.  These coupons entitle every Canadian to a free meal at Bennigan's. With the purchase of a meal at equal or greater value, of course."
Aide 1,We did it!
Stephen Abootman,My friends. This is the greatest victory in Canadian history.
Kyle,Ike. Ike!  It's over.
Ike,It's over?
Kyle,Yeah. Here you go.
Stan,"Boy, I'm sure glad that's over with."
Butters,Me too!
Kyle,"Yeah, but you know, I learned something today. We thought we could make money on the Internet. But, while the Internet is new and exciting for creative people, it hasn't matured as a distribution mechanism to the extent that one should trade real and immediate opportunities for income for the promise of future online revenue. It will be a few years before digital distribution of media on the Internet can be monetized to the extent that necessitates content producers to forgo their fair value in more traditional media."
Stan,...Yeah.
Stephen Abootman,"Yeah, we did it! Celebrate, everyone! Woohoo!"
Terrance,"Hold on a minute! Wait just a second!  We just did some calculating! By NOT working during the strike, Canadians lost more than 10.4 million dollars!"
Phillip,And our Bennigan's coupons and bubble gum is worth roughly... three thousand and eight dollars!
Stephen Abootman,"Don't look at that. Come on, friends, let's dance."
Phillip,You had no idea what you were doing and now you're trying to make it look like you won so that we won't set you adrift!
Stephen Abootman,"Damn it friends, don't you see? We won for future Canadians, guy. So the little guy doesn't get pushed around anymore. This was a victory for Canada's respect."
Stephen Abootman,Eh?! What do you think you're doing?!
Terrance,"We're setting you adrift, idiot!"
Phillip,Maybe you can go live with the Danish!
Stephen Abootman,"You'll regret this day, friend!"
Phillip,"I'm not your friend, buddih!"
Stephen Abootman,"I'm not your buddih, guy!"
Terrance,"He's not your guy, friend!"
Stephen Abootman,"I'm not your friend, buddih!"
Terrance & Phillip,"We're not your buddih, guy!"
Stephen Abootman,"I'm not your guy, friend!"
Mrs. Garrison,"It's like, my whole life has just been one big screw-up, you know?  I admit it, I was I was sexually lost. I was, and then I see this person on Oprah. She was a woman but then she got a sex change, became a man, but... then she got pregnant and is having a baby, which means she's still a woman all along. That means I'm really still a man, I'm... I still feel like a man"
Butters,Are we gonna get tested on this?
Mrs. Garrison,"This sex change was a big mistake, okay?  I was on a lot of painkillers at the time and I thought it was what I wanted."
Stan,"Dude, wanna do some math problems?"
Mrs. Garrison,"And then, I go to the doctor, right? And I say ""Doctor, I wanna go back to being a man,"" and he says ""There's been too much damage. You can't go back. Where are you going to find a penis?""  Whattaya mean, where am I gonna find a penis?!  I'm a man! I deserve a God damned penis!"
Principal Victoria,Mr. Gar- Mr. Garrison!  Could we speak with you please?
Mrs. Garrison,What do you want? I'm trying to teach.
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, we think it's best you not teach until you get your personal life in order, m'kay?"
Mrs. Garrison,"Ohhh it's so easy for you, Mackey! You have a penis!"
Principal Victoria,"Ooookay students, um, obviously we've had a little emergency with your teacher, so uh, while we deal with this, we need one of you to lead the class and review for tomorrow's quiz."
Cartman,"Oh! Me me, me. Me! Me me! Me! Right here! Right here right here."
Principal Victoria,"Uhh, who, who else would like to be teacher for the day? Anybody else?"
Cartman,Principal Victoria. Right over here. Nnnnnh!
Principal Victoria,"Any other volunteers, perhaps?"
Cartman,Rrrrrrr! Principal Victoria. Principal.
Principal Victoria,"All right, all right, fine. Eric, you lead the class."
Cartman,Yes!
Principal Victoria,"Now, just lead a review over whatever Mr. Garrison's been teaching you, and I'll be back to check on you shortly.  Well well well. Who's teacher now?  Yeahhh. Who's teacher?!"
Kyle,"You're not the teacher, fatass."
Cartman,"That's Mr. Cartman now, Kyle! And you will be wise not to interrupt my class unless you want to be suspended!  Yeahhh.  Mmm yeah, you like that?  All right, Clyde, you're first! Get up here!  Yeah, you're gonna take it, Clyde."
News Anchor,"And so it appears that the local farmer's market could be soon facing complete closure. In other news tonight, a South Park bio company is coming under fire for genetically engineering body parts onto laboratory mice. This picture of a mouse  genetically altered to grow a human ear has already sparked waves of protest."
Mrs. Garrison,What?
News Anchor,But the scientists say the process could help thousands of people who've become disfigured and need ears or noses.
Mrs. Garrison,Holy Freaking Jesus.
Researcher 1,"Using common genetics and cartilage scaffolding, we can graft almost any body part onto a mouse and allow it to develop. Here's the mouse you saw on television.  Once the ear fully forms, it can be transplanted onto a person."
Mrs. Garrison,"Doctor, what about a penis?"
Researcher 1,"Well, a penis is something a man puts into a woman's vagina."
Mrs. Garrison,"No, no. If I gave you some of my DNA, could you grow a penis on a mouse for me?"
Researcher 1,You don't understand: doing this stuff is very expensive. And we've never tried a penis before; there's no guarantee it would work.
Mrs. Garrison,"I will give you all the money I have to just try. Please. Doctor, I'm a man trapped in a woman's body. I need a penis."
Researcher 1,"All right.  All right, let's see what we can do."
Principal Victoria,"Eric, we've called you in to commend you for your role as student teacher."
Cartman,Ey! Don't commend me! It's the students' fault for being so stupid!
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, ""commend"" means you've done a great job, Eric. Hm'kay?"
Principal Victoria,"After leading your class through review, your schoolmates scored higher than they ever had on their tests. Whatever you did really worked on them."
Cartman,"Oh, well, thank you. I believe strict discipline along with compassion for my students is catamite to their learning."
Principal Victoria,These gentlemen from the Denver County School Board have something they want to ask you.
Board Rep 1,"Young man, word of your success as a student teacher has started the whole board thinking. We would like you to try your methods on one of our inner-city school classes."
Board Rep 2,"These kids just won't listen to any adult teachers and, since you handled your class so well, how would you like to give it a shot?"
Cartman,That sounds like a chance to really make an impact on some students who need it most. How much will you pay me?
Cartman,"Three hundred bucks! Did you hear what I said, you guys?! My awesome teaching skill is gonna earn me three. Hundred. Bucks."
Kyle,You're not an awesome teacher!
Cartman,Whatever. The whole class scored super-high on the test.
Kyle,The only reason we scored high was because we took the answers out of Garrison's desk! And you know it!
Cartman,"Yes, but whose idea was it to take the answers out of Garrison's desk?"
Kyle,Kenny's!
Kenny,"(Yeah, that was my idea.)"
Cartman,"Oh yeah. But whatever, I'm gonna go teach those underprivileged inner-city students and really turns their lives around."
Kyle,Do you know what those kids are going to do to you?! A little middle-class white boy telling them what to do? They are going to fucking murder you!
Cartman,Maybe he's right. I'd better be careful how I look.
Principal,"Students, quiet! Quiet please!  Give me your attention!"
Teen Boy 1,"I'll give you my attention. All night long, Mrs. Miller."
Mrs. Miller,"You're on thin ice, Rodriguez! Now listen up! The Denver County School Board has sent over a special guest teacher."
Class,Ohhhhhhhhhhh.
Mrs. Miller,This may be your last shot at graduating from high school at all! I want you to welcome... Eric Cartmanez
Cartman,Hello students. I'm Eric Cartmanez.  Your new teacher.
Teen Boy 2,What the hell is thiiis?
Cartman,I am here... to teach you calculuuus.
Researcher 1,"Iii think you're going to be very pleased with the progress, Ms. Garrison."
Mrs. Garrison,Mr. Garrison!
Researcher 1,"Sorry, Mister Garrison. Your DNA has replicated and grafted very successfully with the mouse. And so... here's your penis."
Mrs. Garrison,Wow! My penis looks great!
Researcher 1,Yes. It's a fantastic penis. Congratulations.
Mrs. Garrison,How long before it's ready?
Researcher 1,"Welll, it still has some forming to do, but fairly soon."
Mrs. Garrison,Let me see if it feels right in my hand.
Researcher 1,No! Don't open the-
Mrs. Garrison,Whoa no!
Researcher 2,Don't let it get out of the lab!
Mrs. Garrison,"Mah penis!  Stop, penis! Come back here!"
Cartman,"Okay, everyone take a sillibus and pass it to the amigo behind youuu."
Teen Boy 3,"Hey man, what the hell do you think you're doing?!"
Teen Boy 4,Yeahhhh.
Cartman,Mr. Cartmanez is here to make sure you all get into collehhhge
Teen Boy 5,"Getting into college? Maaan, we ain't gettin' in no college! Fuck you!"
Cartman,"How do I reach these keeds?  The reason that you think you can't get into college is because you haven't been taught... how to cheat properly! How do you think white people always get ahead? Because we cheat all the time- I mean because they cheat all the time.  This is Bill Beelichick, coach of the New England Patriots He's won three Super Bowls. How? He cheated. He even got caught cheating, and nobody cared. Bill Beelichick proved that in America it's okay to cheat. As long as you cheat your way to the top."
Teen Girl 1,"Hey, I don't wanna be called a cheater!"
Cartman,"No no. If you cheat and fail, you're a cheater. If you cheat and succeed, you're savvyyy."
Teen Boy 6,This is bullshit. I don't wanna waste my time learning to cheat.
Cartman,"Go ahead, the door's right there.  Bye-bye, have fun, we will miss youuu.  How do I reach these keeds?"
Mrs. Garrison,"Boys! Boys, have you seen my penis?"
Kyle,What?
Mrs. Garrison,"My penis is on the loose! If you see it, just try to catch it with some cheese."
Butters,Ow. That hurt my brains.  Oww.
Cartman,"Nice form, compadre."
Teen Boy 6,"Hey, I walked out of your class, teacher. Look, I don't wanna argue with you about the merits of cheating."
Cartman,"Who wants to argue on a nice day like theees? How about a little pickup game?  Hey paisanoo, can you keep score for us?"
Teen Boy 7,"Sure thing, Mr. C."
Cartman,"Okay, you start on defense, amigo."
Teen Boy 6,AAAAH!
Cartman,"Ohoooh, that's one to nothing, amigo!"
Teen Boy 6,You cheated!
Cartman,"What's the score, ese? Okay, let's go, your turn.  That's two to nothing, amigoo."
Teen Boy 6,"Fuck you, man, you can't do that!"
Cartman,"Look at the scoreboard, amigo. No matter how many times you say I cheated, the scoreboard says two, nothing."
Teen Boy 6,"I know what you're trying to say, but I still don't agree with it."
Cartman,"Two to nothing, ese! Two to nothing!  How do I reach these keeds?"
Linda,What is that?  Eeeek! Eeeek!  Eeeek! Eeeek!  Stephen! Stephen come quick!
Stephen,"What is it, dear?"
Linda,A penis is loose in our kitchen!
Stephen,A penis?
Linda,Yes! It just ran across the floor!
Stephen,"Now darling, calm down."
Linda,Calm down nothing! I don't want that penis running through my house!
Stephen,"Hoh, women. Always afraid of penises."
Linda,"There! There, you see it?"
Stephen,"Oh, it's just a little penis, darling."
Linda,I don't care. It's probably got all kinds of diseases.
Butters,Hey wait! I think that's teacher's penis!
Stephen,Your teacher's penis?
Butters,"Yeah, that must be his."
Stephen,"Butters, how do you know what your teacher's penis looks like?"
Butters,Huh?
Cartman,"Today we will discuss one of the fundamental ways to cheat: getting material ahead of time.  When Bill Beelichick cheated for the Patriots, what did he do? He videotaped the opposing team's defense. Think of the defense as your test. When taking a test you must also videotape the defense. Learn what's on the test before they give it to you. And that way you can-"
Teen Boy 6,I thought that... well maybe I can give cheating a try.
Cartman,"Have a seat, amigo. Good to have you baaack.  All right. Now, when Bill Beelichick got caught with his camera, he did not panic. He simply said what every good white cheater says when caught: ""I mis-interpreted the rules."" It's what you must also say when caught cheating! ""I mis-interpreted the rules."" Say it with me."
Class,"""I mis-interpreted the rules."""
Cartman,Good. Again.
Class,"""I mis-interpreted the rules."""
Cartman,Again!
Class,"""I mis-interpreted the rules."""
Cartman,Now you sound like white people!
Class,"""I mis-interpreted the rules!"""
Mrs. Garrison,What the hell do you mean you just put my penis outside?! Why didn't you call me?!
Stephen,"Look Garrison, my wife didn't want a penis in the house. I had to get it out."
Mrs. Garrison,Well now how am I supposed to find it?! It could be anywhere!
A Woman,EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
Mrs. Garrison,Holy Crap!
Woman,Eeeek! Eeeeeek!
Husband,"Carole, get down from there!"
Woman,Noo! Didn't you see that penis just now?! Eeeek!
Husband,I'm sure that penis is way more scared of you than you are of it.
Mrs. Garrison,You saw a penis?!
Woman 2,Eeeeeeeek!
Woman 2,"Oh, it's so big and disguuusting. Eeek."
Mrs. Garrison,"Come back here, penis!  There you are! Got you!  Hey, you're not my penis.  Ogh!  There it goes! Stop you!"
Cartman,The answer to #27 is 5.
Class,The answer to #27 is 5.
Cartman,The answer to #28 is 14.
Class,"""The answer to #28 is 14."""
Teen Girl 2,"Man, what's the point?  What's the point of any of this?"
Cartman,"All right, uh, everyone review the section on sportscasters forgiving the Patriots for cheating and saying it was no big deal; I'll be right back.  Melita! Melita, hold on.  You can't quit now. Come on, what's wrong with you?"
Melita,"There isn't any point to all this. I won't be going to college. I'm pregnant, all right? I just found out, and Eduardo isn't going to help me raise it."
Cartman,"How do I reach these keeds?  All right, let's go get you an abortion."
Melita,No. I'm Catholic. I think abortion is wrong.
Cartman,Abortion isn't wrong! What's the one thing I've been teaching you?
Melita,That cheating is good?
Cartman,"Yes! And abortion is the ultimate form of chea-ting! You're chea-ting nature itself.  Why do rich white girls get ahead in life? Because they get abortionnns when they're young. They get pregnant, but they still want to go to college, so, whatever, they just cheat. They cheat that little critter in their belly right out of a chance at life."
Melita,"I don't know, Mr. C."
Cartman,"Mexicans are told not to cheat. ""Don't cheat! You got pregnant? You have to raise the child."" So then you have to raise the child while the white girls get to go to college and probably have a bunch more abortionnns.  It is at our most challenging times that we must cheat... our very hardest."
Sgt. Yates,And the last time you saw your penis was two days ago?
Mrs. Garrison,That's right.
Officer Harris,Long whiskers or short?
Mrs. Garrison,"Short, and little fluffy ears."
Officer Harris,"Fluffy ears, okay."
Mrs. Garrison,"Think you got it, Mitch?"
Mitch Harris,"I think so, sir. Is this pretty close?"
Mrs. Garrison,"No, no, not like that! That's just silly."
Officer,"Sir, we might wanna get a unit down to the Italian restaurant on Kentner."
Sgt. Yates,What is it?
Officer,Call just came through. Seems a penis broke in and tried to eat their cheese.
Mrs. Garrison,Wall come on!
Woman 2,EEK!
Man 2,What's the matter?
Woman 2,A penis!
Woman 3,A penis? Where?
Woman 4,There it is!  Eek!
Mrs. Garrison,Where is it?!
Mitch Harris,"Look, there!"
Mrs. Garrison,Come on!
Chef,What'sa that peenis doing ina myii kitchen?
Mrs. Garrison,Huy! Don't you dare kill my penis!  Crap! We've gotta go back around!
Mouse,Someone somewhere is loving me tonightLooking at the same moon and seeing it so bright.
Penis,Someone somewhere is feelin' my despair
Mouse,Feelin' my despair
Penis,And this same moon is
"Penis, Mouse",making them think of that-.
Mrs. Garrison,There it is!  No! Nooo!  No! No!
Mitch Harris,There's not a chance now.
Mrs. Garrison,"No we, we can find it!"
Sgt. Yates,"Sorry Garrison, your penis is gone. Afraid there's nothing more we can do. You'll just have to live with being a woman. A very ugly one. Come on, men."
Mrs. Miller,"Students, I want to congratulate you on your amazing test scores. The school board is so impressed with your progress that they are going to let you take the standardized advanced placement test for college credit.  The test is going to be heavily monitored in a private room at their location to assure that there can be absolutely no cheating."
Cartman,Uh what?
Mrs. Miller,The test will be tomorrow. Make us proud.
Teen Boy 8,Monitor us in a private room?
Teen Boy 3,Now they're gonna know we've been cheating all along.
Teen Boy 2,I knew it man! You made us believe in your way and now it's all for nawthing!
Cartman,"Ih it's not for nothing. Ih, if you're good enough, you can cheat right in front of them."
Teen Boy 8,"Shut up, man! You reyally screwed us all!"
Cartman,"How do I reeeach these keeeeds?!  Just before the last Super Bowl, Bill Beelichick gathered his football players and said, ""Let's win this one for real. Just this one time. Let's not cheat."" You know what happened?  They lost.  Even if you feel all eyes are upon you, you cannot give up on chea-ting! Or else you can lose the biggest game of your lives."
Teen Girl 1,"Yeah, come on, we can do this, guys."
Cartman,You are the true dreamers. Tomorrow you will prove it. We will begin by reviewing how to print out cheat sheets as labels for your bottled water.
Mrs. Garrison,"You did this to yourself, Garrison. Get your hopes up with a stupid genetic experiment and now all your money's gone along with your penis.  Well what the?  Why... it's my penis.  My penis came back. But why?  I guess it's true. What's that old saying? ""If you love your penis, let it go..."""
Mrs. Miller,The standardized advanced placement test is considered one of the most difficult and carefully monitored tests in the country. Twenty-four of our students took the test and all twenty-four scored 100%
Teen Boy 6,"Uh, can we say something?"
Mrs. Miller,Sure.
Teen Boy 6,We would like to present this plaque to the person who taught us the White People Method. Mr. Cartmanez!
Cartman,I reeached these keeeds.
Principal Victoria,"Students and faculty, please put your hands together and help me in welcoming back, Mister Garrison."
Mr. Garrison,"Thanks everyone. It's great to be back. I'm a man again. Thanks to my very special new friend.  But you know, I've learned that I've really been a dude all along. Because the key difference between men and women is that women can have babies. If you can't have babies, then, you're a man."
A Teacher,"Whoa uh wait, uh, hang on a second. My wife had ovarian cancer, so she can't have babies."
Mr. Garrison,"Well then get an AIDS test, Thompson, 'cause your wife's a dude, faggot!  Yeah! I'm back!"
Sharon,"Get off the Internet, Stanley, it's time for bed."
Stan,"Mom, I just gotta do a couple more things"
Sharon,"Now, Stanley. The Internet will be waiting for you in the morning. Off!"
Stan,Aw man!
Sharon,"Shelly, off the Internet. It's bedtime."
Shelly,"Mom, I'm i-chatting with my boyfriend in Montana!"
Sharon,"Now, Shelly!"
Shelly,Why do you hate me?!
Sharon,"Randy, off the Internet."
Randy,"Nooo. Naw come on, leave me alone."
Sharon,"No, mister, it's time for night-night."
Randy,"But Sharon, I've got stuff to do. I've gotta see my credit rating, I've gotta send an e-mail to Nelson and check out Foley's vacation photos-"
Sharon,You don't have to do all that now! You can do one more thing and then it's bedtime.
Randy,One more thing?  Ooooyeah...
Stan,What the hell?
Randy,"Stan! Stan, I gotta use your computer!"
Stan,What?
Randy,"My Internet's not working; I gotta use yours. An-and give Daddy some private time, will ya?"
Stan,My Internet's not working either.
Randy,What?!
Shelly,"Dad, the Internet's not working!"
Randy,"I know that, okay?!"
Shelly,I have to get online with my darling Amir before school starts!
Sharon,"Randy, I can't get my e-mail to open."
Randy,"Everybody just, just calm down! Calm down, all right?! It's going to be okay! We just CAN'T. PANIC."
Randy,Gerald. Please help us.
Gerald,Randy. What happened?
Randy,Our house... It has no Internet.
Sheila,Oh my God.
Randy,We've got nothing! It's just gone.
Gerald,Come in. You can use our Internet until you figure out what to do.
Randy,Thank you Gerald.
Stan,I'm getting on it first.
Randy,Oh no you're not!
Stan,"Kyle, I need to use your Internet"
Kyle,Ih it's not working.
Randy,What?!
Kyle,I've even unplugged it and plugged it back in.
Gerald,"No.  No, our Internet can't be broken. Ah, I've gotta get an attachment Larry sent me last night."
Randy,"It's not working, Gerald."
Gerald,But it has to work! Maybe if I do a little-
Randy,"Your Internet's not working, Gerald! Face it!"
Kyle,I have to get online before school.
Stan,What about Starbucks? They have free Internet.
Randy,"Right, Starbucks!"
Gerald,Everyone get your stuff; we can take my car.
Stephen,"Hey, is your- is your guys' Internet working?"
Randy,No! Nobody's is!
Man 1,Whaaaaat's haaappeniiiiing?!
Randy,Jesus. Everyone's gonna go to Starbucks now.
Gerald,Everyone in the car. We have to beat them there.
Randy,"God, the whole neighborhood's affected."
Gerald,"Get out of the way, Peterson!"
Clerk,"Folks, there's, there's no Internet here. It's not working, I tell ya."
Kyle,It's not working here?
Randy,"Kids, get back in the car. We can go to the Mac store."
Man 2,"No, don't. You're wasting your time."
Randy,How do you know?!
Man 2,Because we just came from there! There was nothing! Not one scrap of Internet!
Gerald,How can there be no Internet anywhere? What's going on?!
Stephen,Anybody got a Blackberry? Check Drudge Report.
Randy,"Good idea!  No wait, we can't check Drudge Report: there's no Internet!"
Mr. Garrison,There has to be a way to find out what's going on.
Gerald,We can't! Don't you get it?! There's no Internet to find out why there's no Internet!
Man 3,What did we used to do to get the news before the Internet?
Randy,A television!
Anchorman,"Once again we apologize, but we cannot bring you the news. It appears that we have no Internet here at News 4. We'll be happy to bring you up on current events just as soon as our Internet is back."
Randy,"Jesus, it's statewide."
Gerald,It could be nationwide.
Anchorman,"Hello? Do you have Internet? It it's Channel 4 News. No, we don't have Internet either."
Gerald,No Internet... anywhere...
Randy,Jesus... we're all alone...
Sharon,What's the matter?
Randy,"I don't know. I need to get on Web MD and see why I have this cough, but I can't."
Shelly,"What if my sweetheart is online looking for me? He could be wondering why I don't get online with him. Maybe he thinks I'm dead.  If my darling Amir gets another Internet girlfriend, I'm gonna kill him! And you!"
Randy,"Hey! Shelly, whoa, stop, stop!"
Stan,"Dad, you've gotta do something! She's out of control!"
Randy,You're right. We can't just sit here any longer.
Gerald,"Randy, where will you go?"
Randy,We're gonna head west. There's a rumor goin' around there might be some Internet out there. So we're headed out Californee Way.
Gerald,You don't know if there's any Internet in California.
Randy,"Well there certainly ain't none here! Look, maybe it's time you all face reality! The Internet here is dried up!"
Stephen,It could come back.
Randy,"Yeah, and maybe it won't! In the meantime I got a family who needs the Internet right away. We'll head out Californee Way and ... see what we can find.  Come on, let's go."
Stephen,"Look, if you... if you do find the Internet, let us know, will ya?"
Randy,How. You won't have Internet.
Motel Clerk,"Sorry folks, we're full up."
Randy,Know anywhere else we can stay? We're... heading out Californee Way. Looking for some Internet.
Motel Clerk,You and everyone else. You'll have to stay out at the transient camp with all the others heading to Californee.  It's about a mile down the road.
Randy,"I'm goin' down the road feelin' bad.I'm goin' down the road feelin' bad.I'm goin' down the road feelin' bad, oh Lordy.,My Internet done up and went away."
Transient Man 1,"Where are you from, old-timer?"
Old-Timer,"Kansas City. Had me a store there. Kind of... computer supply store. When the Internet went, the stores went too."
Transient Man 2,Things will be different when we get out to Californee. Soon as we get us some Internet we can all rest easy.
Transient Man 3,"Why sure, Silicon Valley. They gots a whole mess of Internet up there. 'Say a man can practically roll around in it."
Transient Man 4,When I get to that Internet I'm gonna click on just about everything in sight. 'Might even click on a pop-up ad just for the heck of it.
Transient Man 1,Well I'm gonna sit down at that Internet and just stahrt e-mailin'. Just keep on e-mailin' till my fingers are sore to the bone.
Randy,Sure will be nice.
Transient Man 5,You folks all headin' to Silicon Valley?
Randy,That's right. We need to get online.
Transient Man 5,"Haha. ""Get online"" he says."
Stan,What's so funny about that?
Transient Man 5,"Think about it. How many folk headin' out to Californee? A million? More? And how much Internet you think they got out there?  Might be some Internet, sure, but with everyone tryin' to use it at once, it's gonna go real slow-like. I knows it 'cause I seen it. My two children, they tried to load a Web page. Took them over three days. They sat there waitin', and by the time the loadin' bar was only half-full they was dead.  Starve on the Internet, with a belly stuck out like a big bladder..."
Randy,"Come on, Stan, let's get some rest."
Shelly,Amiiir... I miss you so much...
Stan,"Don', don't cry, Shelly. You'll be able to get online when we get to Californee."
Randy,"Everyone, wake up!  We're here! Silicon Valley, Californee!"
Worker,Name?
Randy,Do they have Internet here?
Worker,Name?
Randy,Marsh.
Worker,Service provider?
Randy,NetZero.
Worker,"All right, stay in line.  Once you're inside, Red Cross volunteers will direct you to your campsite."
Randy,So is there Internet here?
Worker 2,Stay in line and get to your campsite.
Randy,"Excuse me, we're looking for some Internet."
Refugee Man 1,"Yeah, they've got it here."
Stan,All right!
Refugee Man 2,"But there ain't enough to go around. All they got is a little Internet.  Barely a bar a signal. So they have to ration it out, carefully."
Refugee Man 3,Ya... sign up over there and use your time when they call your name. Each family gets 40 seconds o' Internet per day.
Randy,Forty seconds? That ain't even long enough to check Wikipedia!
Volunteer 1,"Well it's all we got, so we gotta make do."
Refugee Man 4,"Look, honey, we ordered us some books on Amazon."
Volunteer 2,"All right, time's up."
Refugee Man 4,No! No wait! I haven't entered the shipping information!  NO! NOO!
Volunteer 2,"Next? Brady, John H."
Randy,"Awww, how am I supposed to see Internet porn that way?"
Sharon,What did you say?
Randy,"Uh, you go ahead, Sharon. Divide some Internet amongst the children. I- gotta talk to somebody."
Anchorman,"And that's about all we know. Uhh, there might be some Internet still in California and parts of Florida, though we certainly still don't have any here."
Anchorman 2,A fax! A fax is coming through!
Anchorman,"Oh yeah, a fax!!"
Anchorman 2,Oh a fax!
Anchorman,"It's a fax, it's a fax! It's a fax, it's a fax!"
Anchorman 2,"It's a fax, we got a fax!  Uh-"
Anchorman,"Oh! it says, ""The government has sent their best people to the Internet in order to repair it."""
Anchorman 2,We've gotta send a reporter out to the Internet!
Kyle,Where... is... the Internet?
General,"Gentlemen, the President is very angry that his Internet still isn't working."
Scientist 1,"We've tried everything, sir, but the Internet has slowed to a trickle and we can't get it working correctly."
General,Take me down below! I want to see the Internet for myself!
Scientist 2,"Here it is, general. The Internet."
General,What's wrong with it?
Scientist 2,See that flashing orange light in the middle? It's supposed to be solid green.
General,My God.
Transient Man 6,"Hahaha, thedancingkitty.com, heh, wum, I wonder what that is, hum?  ""Click on the dancing kitty and you could win a prize!"" hoh, ahaha, ha."
Volunteer 2,"All right, time's up."
Refugee Man 5,"No, wait, I I just clicked on the kitty. I got it.  No! It wasn't long enough! NOO!"
Volunteer 2,"Next? Nelson, Peter T."
Randy,"Excuse me, I need to uh, have some private Internet time."
Volunteer 3,"Look, we're just tryin' to get by here. Everyone's gotta take what they can get."
Randy,I haven't jacked off in over two weeks.
Volunteer 3,So jack off.
Randy,"You don't understand.  I need the Internet to jack off. I... got used to being able to see anything at the click of a button, you know? Once you jack off to Japanese girls puking in each other's mouths you can't exactly go back to Playboy!"
Volunteer 3,What do you want us to do? Pick up the whole computer and put it inside for ten minutes just for you?!
Randy,Three minutes would be plenty.
Volunteer 3,Get lost!
Randy,Ohhh.
Sharon,"All right, each of you take a ticket. When they call your name you can use the Internet."
Shelly,"What number are you, turd?"
Stan,Eight fifty one.
Shelly,You're nine twenty three now.
Stan,Hey! Mom!
Sharon,"Shelly, give your brother his ticket back!"
Shelly,Can't you all see I'm in pain?! Nobody understands pure love! Amir and I are closer than anybody in this stupid family!
Refugee Man 5,Psst. Hey! Over here!  You... happen to be looking for Internet porn?
Randy,"Yeah, how'd you know?"
Refugee Man 5,"Lots of us fellas came here for that reason. We all got used to seein' lots of really perverted stuff on the Internet, so now we can't go back to Playboy."
Randy,"I know, right?"
Refugee Man 5,"Anyway, we got us a simulator. You just call out what you wanna see and then say ""click""."
Randy,"""Internet Porn Simulator"""
Refugee Man 5,Give it a try.
Randy,"Uh, Japanese girls exchanging bodily fluids? Click.  Oh this sucks! I can't jack off to this!  Damn it.  Uhm, let's see. Interracial gangbang. Click.  Agh. Les-shemales! Let's try shemales. Click.  Bestiality? Click, click on that.  Ah, ah! Brazilian fart fetish porn?! Click! Click!  Dahya.  No. No, this isn't gonna work.  It's just not the same."
Refugee Man 5,"Well, sorry. And that'll be $49 on your credit card."
Randy,Well at least that part's like the Internet.
Anchorman,"We, we now have a reporter on the scene. Uhl-let's go live!"
Field Reporter,"Tom, I'm at the Internet, where government officials are doing their best to get it running again."
General,"All right, Internet. What do you want from us?   If we've angered you somehow, let us know.  Try to communicate with it digitally again.  I've had it with this thing! Fire a warning shot at it!"
Kyle,"Hey, wait a minute.  Is it possible that..."
Gerald,"What is it, Kyle?"
Kyle,I think... I know what's wrong.
Shelly,This is taking too long! When do I get to use the Internet?!
Stan,It's gotta be our turn soon.
Volunteer 2,"All right, folks, it's bed time. No more Internet for today."
Refugees,AWWW!!!
Woman,A little closer!
Volunteer 2,"No, no, we're locking it away until tomorrow.  Everyone get to bed!"
Refugees,Aw man!
Woman,Wha?!
Shelly,Gggggyyaaah!
Randy,Uhuh... Finally! I'm online again! Yeeheeyes!  Japanese girls puking each other's mouths.
Girl 1,Haro Kiti kawaii n desho?
Girl 2,Un. Choukawaii yo ne!
Randy,Oh niice... Whoa...
Girl 1,Watashi wa... daisuki!
Randy,"Now let's see some bestiality.  Aahahaha, yes! Ogh!  Let's get some Brazilian fart porn in there!  Oh that's good eh! Oh!  Ohhhhhhhhh! Hoh! Hohhh!"
Refugee Man 2,What is that?
Refugee Man 4,Sounds like someone's bein' attacked by a tiger.
Randy,Ohhhhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhhhhh!
Volunteer 4,Get the keys! We gotta get in there.
Randy,Ohhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhh!
Volunteer 2,What the...?
Stan,Dad?
Sharon,Randy!
Randy,"Oh. Uhh. There was a, there was a ghost! A-a-and-this, this ectoplasm!  Did you see the ghost?  It ran through here; it sli-it slimed me!"
Volunteer 2,You son of a bitch!
Randy,"Oh no it wasn't me, it was this spooky ghost!"
Field Reporter,"This is our last chance. With nowhere else to turn, the government is going to allow one brave nine-year-old boy  to attempt his method to get the Internet running again.  It all comes down to this. Can the little Jewish boy reason with the Internet? Or will it be gone forever?"
Scientist 1,All clear for procedure.
General,All right! Let's do it!
Scientist 2,Look! The flashing yellow light is steady green now!
Scientist 1,He did it!
Scientist 3,I've got Internet!
Scientist 4,Me too!
Scientist 5,"Internet activity in all sectors, sir."
Transient Man 5,I've got Internet.
Transient Man 6,Me too!
Transient Man 3,It's back!
Anchorman,It's back? It's back!
Shelly,It's working! I can i-chat with my darling Amir now!
Amir,Shelly. Shelly Marsh?
Shelly,What?
Amir,It's me. Amir.
Shelly,O... kay.
Amir,"Your family came here too, huh?"
Shelly,Yeah.
Amir,"So uhhh, I guess I'll e-mail you as soon as I get back home."
Shelly,"Yeah, okay. Sounds good."
Amir,"Okay, s-see ya."
Shelly,We're back togehhhther! We're back togehhhther!
Randy,"And so what have we learned through this ordeal? The Internet went away. It came back. But for how long we do not know. We cannot take the Internet for granted any longer. We as a country must stop over-logging -on. We must use the Internet only when we need it. It's easy for us to think we can just use up all the Internet we want. But if we don't treat the Internet with the resPECT  that it deserves, it could one day be gone forever. So let us learn to live with the Internet, not for it. No more browsing for no apparent reason, no more mindlessly surfing on our laptops while watching television. And finally,  We must learn to only use the Internet for porn twice a day. Max."
Mr. Garrison,"Kids, everyone together. Welcome to Pioneer Village. This is a recreation of early Colorado days. I want you all to meet Pioneer Paul."
Pioneer Paul,"Hi, kids, and welcome to my village. I settled here in 1864 with my mahr and pahr. Sure thing, I ain't never seen strange clothes like you all are wearin'. And what's that fancy yellow horse carriage you got out there?"
Stan,Ughh.
Kyle,This is gonna suck.
Pioneer Paul,When you all are ready just head up to the village. All the townfolk are there to answer yer questions. And welcome.  To 1864. Set 'em up!
Mr. Garrison,"Thank you, Pioneer Paul.  All right, kids, this is a big place, so I want everyone to pick a partner to hold hands with."
Cartman,"Let's be partners, Kenny."
Kenny,"(No, I'm partners with Craig)"
Cartman,"Okay.  Stan, let's be partners, dude."
Stan,"Naw, I'm with Wendy."
Cartman,"Eh, you wanna hold hands with a girl? Gaywad!  All right, let's be partners, Kyle."
Kyle,"I hate you, remember?  You wanna be partners, Jimmy?"
Cartman,"Jesus, what have I ever done to you? Craig? Token?  Who, who else needs a partner?  Uh who else needs a partner?"
Mr. Garrison,"Eric, partner with Butters."
Cartman,God damn it!
Mr. Garrison,"Hold Butters' hand, Eric!"
Cartman,That isn't necessary!
Mr. Garrison,"Butters, you are not to let go of Eric's hand until you are both back on that bus! Do you understand?!"
Butters,I understand.
Mr. Garrison,"All right, let's head in."
Cartman,"You can let go now, Butters."
Butters,No.
Cartman,"Butters, come on!"
Butters,No!
Mr. Garrison,"All right kids, go ahead and visit the charming villagers and learn stuff.  Keep track of your partner!"
Smithy,"Why howdy partners.  I'm the town blacksmith. Are you folks settlers, or are you just trappers passin' through?"
Stan,"Uhhh, look, can we just drop the whole roleplaying thing? I would play along, but my girlfriend's here and I don't wanna look like a total dork in front of her."
Wendy,"Thanks, Stan."
Pioneer Paul,"These folks sure are strange, Smithy. We ain't never seen them kind of fancy hats in our time, have we?"
Kyle,That guy is wearing a digital watch.
Smithy,Oh jeez.
Pioneer Paul,Damn it Chad!
Chad,"S-sorry, I'm sorry."
Gunsmith,"Why howdy, partners, I'm the town gunsmith. You see, in our time it's pretty violent. See them holes in the walls? That's so we can put rifles through to protect us from Injuns."
Cartman,I wanna shoot an Indian.
Gunsmith,Now some of you might wanna meet Abigail at the candle-makin' house. Or you can head over to the general store.
Butters,Do you see any Indians?
Cartman,"Nah, it's just the city and e- Oh my Jesus Christ monkeyballs.  ""Super... Phun Thyme.""  Dude, check it out! We're only two blocks from a Super Phun Thyme! They've got video games and rides and everything!"
Butters,"Oh, that's cool.  Well come on, Eric, we need to catch up with everyone."
Cartman,"Dude, screw this place! We've gotta go to Super Phun Thyme!"
Butters,Oh no! I'm not sneakin' out! I'll get in trouble!
Cartman,"Fine, then let go of my hand!"
Butters,Teacher said I can't let go till we're back on the bus!
Cartman,"Well which is it gonna be, Butters?! Are you gonna ditch out with me or are you gonna disobey the teacher's stupid rule?!"
Butters,I'm not lettin' go!
Cartman,"Fine, then you're comin' with me!"
Butters,"No, Eric!"
Cartman,"Butters, let go God-damn it!"
Butters,No!  T-Teacherrr! Teacherrr!
Pioneer Paul,This here is our general store. It's where I buy all my supplies an' sich.
Clerk,Howdy partners. I own this hearrr general store.
Wendy,"Look, Stan, they had beef jerky back then."
Clerk,"What do you mean ""back then""? Don't forget, it's 1864."
Kyle,Right. Except for it really isn't.
Pioneer Paul,"Wuh, sure it is. Just look around ye."
Kyle,What's that?
Stan,Sounds like police sirens.
Pioneer Paul,What's a si-rene? We ain't never heard of no sirene in 1864.
Leader,"We lost them, we lost them!"
Injured Man,Damn pig cops!
Leader,Close that gate!
Wendy,What's going on?
Stan,I don't know.
Leader,Everyone down on the ground NOW!
Sheriff,"Wuh-whoa now, I'm Sheriff McLawdog. I settled here back in eighteen fif-"
Stan,Jesus Christ!  We've gotta call the police. Where's your phone?
Pioneer Paul,"A phone? Why, what's a phone? We ain't never hearda sich a thing."
Stan,What?!
Kyle,"Come on, this is serious!"
Pioneer Paul,"Eh storehand, you ever heard of this fancy shmancy phone?"
Clerk,"Uhhh, nooo. W-we ain't got a phone in our time."
Stan,"Dude, they just shot a guy in the face! We've gotta call the cops!"
Pioneer Paul,"If you mean the law, only law around here is town sheriff McLawdog. You see, 1864 is a time of growth and development in the Old West."
Stan,This is not the time for that!
Cartman,"Aw man, this is gonna be awesome!  Butters, if you don't let go of my hand, everyone here is gonna think we're gay!"
Butters,"Well, that's your problem!"
Cartman,"All right Butters, I've seriously had enough!  Jesus Christ!  One please."
Butters,Make that two!
Cashier,"Aww, aren't you two cute holdin' hands. Are you special little buddies?"
"Butters, Cartman",NO!
Cartman,"Dude, this place shreds! What should we do first?"
Butters,"We should get back to Pioneer Village, that's what we should do!"
Cartman,"Butters, we're going to get back before anybody even notices we're gone. Let's go hit the bumper cars!"
Wendy,Over here. This looks like an office.
Kyle,Here! Here's the phone!
Pioneer Paul,"Well, what a straaange contraption."
Wendy,I can't get a dial tone.
Kyle,What's the number to dial out?
Pioneer Paul,"Dial out? Partner, them are some funny words you're usin'."
Stan,"Dude, do you understand what's going on here?!"
Clerk,"Maybe they're right, Brian. I mean, this is a special circumstance that-"
Pioneer Paul,Brresh!
Clerk,"Ogh, I mean, this here room is, it sure is strange. We have nothin' like these fancy devices in our time."
Pioneer Paul,I'll say.
Kyle,"I got through. Hello, police?"
Operator,"Nine one one, what's your emergency?"
Kyle,There's some terrorists or bankrobbers or something that have taken our class hostage!
Operator,Taken hostage where?
Kyle,The old Pioneer Village off of Kipling.
Operator,You mean that annoying place where employees won't break character?
Kyle,"Sister, you don't know the half of it."
Cartman,"Check it out, dude, I'm a space man! Space man, yehesss!"
Cartman,"Get... get that guy! Shoot that guy! Yeah, and then over here!  Oh, you got it. Nice."
Butters,What are you whoofelin' at?
Cartman,"Waiwait, keep- you're fine.  Oh man, whoa!"
Butters,Whoa!
Cartman,"Yeheah, we're wired up!"
Cartman,"Yeah, bumper cars, sweeet!"
Butters,"Th-that's it, Eric. We have to be gettin' back!"
Cartman,"Aw, just a few more things."
Butters,"No! If we don't leave right now, we're gonna miss the bus, and then they'll know we left!"
Cartman,"Huh, I guess you're right, Butters. All right, come on."
Leader,"Set up the satellite relay, check for alternate routes out of the area.  Unfortunately, your police department got wind of our robbery and chased after us. That is unfortunate for you, because when I think it is clear to leave we will now need to take hostages with us to ensure our goods get to their final destination."
Mr. Garrison,"Please, if you must take anyone, don't take me. These kids are worth more to you."
Blond,How did they find us?!
Leader,Get the loot out of the car and stash it in that building.
Police Chief,"All right, men, listen up! Looks like our thieves are trying to hide out here. They've got the employees and some school kids held hostage."
Lieutenant,"Tucker, Dylan, set up a perimeter!"
Police Chief,Everyone stay on your toes! These are professionals we're dealing with here!
Officer,"What did they rob, sir?"
Police Chief,A Burger King.
Leader,"All right, good. Is that all of it?"
Balding Man,No. Don't forget we've got these too.
Leader,"Excellent. Now listen, everyone, we're going to be all right. This is only a small hitch in our plan.  I'd like to speak with the chief of police!  Who is this? This is the man who is going to kill an entire class of fourth graders if he doesn't get exactly what he wants!"
Kyle,Why aren't the cops coming in?
Wendy,They must be negotiating.
Pioneer Paul,Them there bandits sure look mighty strange. And them pistols is way bigger than whats we's gots.
Kyle,Will you shut up!
Stan,"Wait, you have guns here?"
Pioneer Paul,Sure. Sheriff got lots of rifles in his office.
Stan,Well why don't you go get them and bring them back here?!
Pioneer Paul,"All righty. Come on, storehand."
Clerk,Yeppir!
Cartman,"Uhaw man, I can't wait to see the look on Kyle's face when we tell him we had super fun time, while he was at the dumb Pioneer Village."
Butters,We're not telling anybody! I don't wanna get in trouble! And I didn't have a super fun time anyways.
Cartman,"Butters, you've gotta learn to chill. Life goes by pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, and do whatever you want all the time, you could miss it."
Butters,"Yeah, well, I guess that's kinda true."
Cartman,"Uh oh.  Crap, they called the cops on us."
Butters,What?! They called the cops?!
Cartman,They must have realized we left. Damn.
Butters,"Oh my God, the police are looking for us!"
Cartman,Shhh! Butters!
Butters,We're gonna get it now!
Cartman,"Butters Butters, calm down! I know a way out of this!"
Butters,You just got me busted forever!
Cartman,"Butters, l-listen to me, listen."
Butters,No!
Cartman,All we have to do is sneak back inside without the cops seeing us. Then we can say we were inside all along.
Butters,You said they wouldn't notice we were gone. You promised.
Cartman,"If we sneak back inside, we can say we never left, all right?  All right, now let go of my hand."
Butters,No.
Cartman,Butters?
Butters,"Huh you made me break one rule, I'm not breaking the other! It's all I have now."
Cartman,"All right, come on!"
Leader,"Keep the hostages from talking and search for holdouts. Everyone check in at two-minute intervals. I hope you have good news, Ohrlich."
Ohrlich,The police have us completely surrounded on all sides. There's no way we're gettin' out above ground without being spotted.
Leader,Above ground?
Ohrlich,"Look, I found this at the rear of the park. It's an old mine shaft,  but Pioneer Village was sued when a kid died in it, so they closed it down and protected it with a huge me'al door with a coded lock."
Leader,So if we can get into the shaft we can tunnel our way around the police. Excellent.
Ohrlich,"One more thing, Frans: I want my share of the take now."
Frans,"What's the matter, Ohrlich? Lose your sense of trust?"
Ohrlich,I was just thinking maybe we get through that tunnel. Then you take the loot to Berlin and I never see you again. I want my cut.
Frans,Very well.
Frans,"I'm going to ask you again, what is the door code to the tunnel?!"
Smithy,"I told you, mister, what would I know about a door code? I'm just a simple blacksmith. With my trusty forge I makes all the metalworks for the village.  OW."
Frans,"You are an employee here, that means you are required to know the door code for fire code reasons,  Mister David Palmer of Colorado Springs!"
Smithy,"Huh my name ain't Palmer, it's... Old Smithy. Hand we ain't never heard of no fire code, why, we gots to put fires out ourselves when the-  OW."
Frans,That's it!  Tell me the code or you die!  One... two...
Smithy,I...
Frans,Yes?
Smithy,I don't know nothin' about no fancy door code. I'm just a simple blacksmith.
Craig,These Pioneer Village workers are really committed to their jobs.
Worker,No. Please. Don't hurt me.
Frans,Give us the code to that door and we can leave!
Worker,"I've never heard of sss-something called a door code.  Please, can't you ask some other way?"
Frans,"I don't have time for your stupid game! Tell me, or you die right now!"
Worker,"All right, all right! Look, it's just, it's just one of those... Jenkins home security locks. You press the top button and then, and then enter 5-2"
Pioneer Paul,"What he meant to say, kids, is that we ain't never heard o'no fancy door code 'cause in our time, we gots to rely on wood locks and sich."
Frans,God damn it you people are fucking insane!
Kyle,I don't believe it.
Frans,"Domino,  Walsky! Find out if there are any employees or students wandering about! Bring them here or shoot them!"
Wendy,"Oh crap, we've gotta hide. Come on!"
Jimmy,Yeah.  We've gotta geh- ...geh... get the hell ...outta here f- f-hast fast.
Officer,"Sector Bravo, no activity."
Butters,"Jeez, uh cops are looking for us everywhere."
Cartman,"Don't worry, they're not gonna find us 'til we're safely back inside.  Look, see that traffic signal down there?  If we can climb across that, we can jump to the tree branch, and then we're home free."
Butters,That looks dangerous.
Cartman,"Not getting busted always is, Butters. Come on.  Good, that's good.  That's good, Good, all right then. Let's head across.  Go easy. Good."
Butters,Oh gosh in heaven.
Cartman,"It's all right. You've got it, no problem-  OP."
Butters,Whoa!
Cartman,Save me!
Butters,I'm gonna fall!
Cartman,"... Oh dude, laaame."
Frans,"Frohlich, check in. Have you found any other employees?"
Domino,We found somebody.
Walsky,We found this guy in the jail of the sheriff's office.
Pioneer Paul,You let out Murderin' Murphy?
Murderin' Murphy,Y'are all gettin' it for puttin' me in that thar jail!
Frans,Stop it! Stop your bad historical acting right now!
Woman,Tarnation. Why'd you let Murderin' Murphy go? He's a bad man.
Frans,I am the fucking bad man! Do you get that?! Knock it off and give me the mine shaft access code!
Pioneer Paul,"You're just gonna have to kill us, mister, 'cause you ain't makin' no sense at all."
Frans,I won't kill you if you don't tell me. I'll kill one of THEM!
Mr. Garrison,Not me! Not me not me not me not me!
Kenny,"(What? Hey, let go.)"
Frans,Do you want to see a child die?!
Kenny,(No they don't wanna see a child die! You guys! Uf.)
Butters,"I am so disappointed in myself. Teacher gave me a res-responsibility, and I was just supposed to look after my partner, and I blew it!"
Cartman,"Don't be too hard on yourself, Butters. You can't help being a douchebag. Wait, Butters, look!  This is it! This is our chance! Swing over, Butters! Go!"
Butters,Huh...
Cartman,Quick! Are you ready?! We gotta jump!
Butters,Let's do it!
Cartman,Ready? Go!
Frans,What about you? Will you tell us the access code or do you want to see this kid die?!
Woman,"I'm sorry, I'm a woman and women in our time ain't allowed to know the carryin's on of the town proper."
Frans,God damn it!
Kyle,"Dude, they're gonna kill Kenny!"
Stan,I can't let them do it.  I've got to make the ultimate sacrifice.
Kyle,Stan?
Wendy,"Where are you going, Stan?"
Stan,"Wendy, I have to do something. Please look away."
Frans,"All right, that does it!  On the count of three this child dies! One! Two!"
Kenny,"(God damn it, someone help me!)"
Stan,"Well howdy there, strangers.  Sorry to interrupt ye, but I done come from Pagosa Springs to buy me some wares an' sich.."
Pioneer Paul,"Ohhh, welcome, partner."
Frans,Wha-what are you doing?
Stan,I heard you all had some difficulty with a criminal getsin' out of your jail.
Pioneer Paul,"That's right, Murderin' Murphy. He's crazy 'cause someone killed his pa."
Murderin' Murphy,They killed my pahr!
Stan,"I reckon that maybe you could make a jail door that opened with numbers instead of keys. You know, like a biiiiig safe."
Pioneer Paul,"Y-y-yeah, I understand that."
Clerk,"Finally, a fella that talks some sense."
Stan,"If'n you all was to have such a giant safe, what would you villagers want the number to be to unlock that thar jail door shuckamuck?"
Pioneer Paul,"Oh, well uh, I reckon the easiest number to remember for any big safe door lock would be... 1864."
Clerk,"Yup, 1864, 'cause that's the year it is."
Frans,"Eighteen sixty four. Ohrlich, we have the door code! Start packing up! We'll take the hostages with us!"
Mr. Garrison,"No, you got your door code, let us go!"
Walsky,"Copy that. What's the code, over."
Cartman,"Sweet, there's still cops looking for us in here. All right, follow my lead, Butters.  Hohoo man, hasn't this place been fascinating, Butters?"
Butters,"Yeah, it sure has."
Cartman,"Oh, I just don't know what I liked better: the historical buildings and archifacts or the, or the uhhhm."
Butters,"Or the witty anecdotes of the townspeople, uh..."
Cartman,"Witty anecdotes, yes, that's been ab- that's been awesome."
Butters,Been a hoot all right!
Walsky,Get your hands behind your head!
Cartman,What'd we do? We've been here the whole time.
Walsky,Shut up! Put your hands behind your head! Do it now!  Let go of each other!
Butters,Huh uh.
Walsky,Do what I tell you!
Butters,Our teacher said we have to hold hands the whole time we're here!
Walsky,Let go or else I'll put a bullet through your hands and make you let go!
Cartman,Butters.
Walsky,Now!
Butters,No!
Cartman,Jesus Christ!
Butters,AAAAH!
Cartman,AAAAH!
Frans,Go! Go take care of it! I'll stay with the hostages!
Stan,"Hey, m-Murderin' Murphy, you see that there feller?"
Murderin' Murphy,Yeah.
Stan,He done killed yer pahr.
Murderin' Murphy,What?! Well I'll rip his head off!
Officer 2,We've got a chance. Hostages are clear!
Frans,They are coming in!
Mr. Garrison,AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Officer 3,"Whoa, no, no!"
Officer 2,Hostages are secure at the park entrance!
Murderin' Murphy,"I got you now, Pioneer Paul!"
Pioneer Paul,"They shoulda never let you out of jail, Murderin' Murphy!"
Police Chief,"Freeze, scumbag! It's all over!"
Woman,Murderin' Murphy's gonna kill Pioneer Paul!
Officer 2,Stop right now! It's over!
PA System,"Howdy, partners. It's five o'clock. Pioneer Village is now closed for the day.  Head back to your wagons and have a safe trip home."
Pioneer Paul,We made it!
Murderin' Murphy,We made it!
Woman 2,"Oh God, I can't wait to get out of this dress."
Murderin' Murphy,"Whoa, that was great!"
Pioneer Paul,"Uh, listen, if anyone still wants to know, the phone is in the administration building, you dial 9 to get out, and there's actually a back exit behind the horse troughs. Good night everybody, thanks for coming. We did it, guys!"
Gunsmith,Let's go to TGI Fridays and get some jalapeño poppers!
Murderin' Murphy,"Yeah, that'd be great!"
Man 1,All right!
Man 2,"Oh yeah, huh. Jalapeño poppers."
Man 3,"Let's go, huh."
Wendy,"Stan, you were really brave in there, but you did kind of sound like a big dork."
Stan,I know.
Police Chief,Come on you!
Frans,You're hurting my arm!
Police Chief,Too bad! You'll be going away for a long time. Was it worth it?
Frans,"In a way, it was. I might not have gotten away, but... at least I learned a lot about Pioneer life in the Old West. Those early settlers didn't have the modern conveniences we all take for granted today. To think how difficult it was back in those times to do somethin' as simple as washing your clothes. Pioneer Village has a lot to teach us all."
Police Chief,That's true.
Wendy,Hey look.
Butters,"Teacher, my partner is back on the bus!"
Announcer,Welcome to the televised broadcast of the Olympic Opening Ceremonies from Beijing.  Thousands of Chinese performers playing ancient Chinese drums.  The precision of their movements made even more impressive by their massive numbers.
Cartman,"No! The Chinese, no! Somebody has to stop them!  No! No!"
Liane,"Eric? Sweetie, are you having nightmares about the Chinese again?"
Cartman,They're gonna... take over the world! HAA!  Too many of them.  No! Leave us alone!  Nooo!  Damn it no! No!
Liane,"Sweetiekins, are you all right?"
Cartman,"Mom. Mom, the Chinese are gonna get me."
Liane,"No, sweetie, the Chinese aren't going to get you."
Cartman,They are so! There's two billion of them and their economy is getting better and with all their advances in technology they're gonna bring down America.
Cartman,"All right. Guys, we need to talk.  You know, uh we can all just pretend... that we didn't see those opening ceremonies but, the Chinese... are very real. We've gotta do something.  Are we just gonna pretend America is going to be okay? Are we just going to... wait until they've taken over the world?"
Kyle,"I'm sorry.  I I'm sorry, I can't do this.  I'm not doing this."
Stan,"Kyle, you're supposed to tell Cartman he's being racist or something?"
Kyle,"Yeah he's an idiot but uh I'm sorry, I just... I can't do this anymore, okay? I... I can't do this anymore!"
Kenny,(Damn.)
Stan,"Kyle.  Kyle, you can't keep doing this. You know what, at some point, you you've got to let this go."
Kyle,"Yeah? Well... maybe you can forget what happened, but I... can't."
Stan,"Look, what happened, happened. We can't change it now. We have to move on."
Kyle,"Move on?! Our friend was raped, Stan! He was raped, and we all stood there and did  nothing!"
Stan,"There was nothing we could do, Kyle!  There was nothing we could do. We had to get out of there."
Kyle,Did we?! Maybe we could have stopped them!
Stan,How?
Kyle,"I dream about it every night. Every time I close my eyes I see us just running away, running while they ray-rape him over and over again.  And because we did nothing... they got away."
Stan,"You can't keep torturing yourself like this, Kyle. Let it... go."
Kyle,I'm... glad... that you guys can just keep living. I don't think I can.
Stan,God damn it.
Butters,Lu lu lu I've got some space flight. Lu lu lu space flights seem old... Lu lu lu-
Cartman,"There you are, Butters!"
Butters,"Uhuh, Eric."
Cartman,"Butters, I need your help."
Butters,"Not now, Eric, I'm ih I'm indecent."
Cartman,"The Chinese are gonna take us over, Butters! And we are the only people who seem to care!"
Butters,The Chinese?
Cartman,"I handed out fliers, called together meetings, but it's like... everyone's turning a blind eye. The Chinese are taking over the world and nobody's doing anything! It's up to you and me, Butters. We have to stop the Chinese now."
Butters,"Aw, I can't stop the Chinese tonight, Eric, uh I'm supposed to make a model car with my dad."
Cartman,"You don't get it Butters! Our lives are about to change! The Chinese outnumber us a million to one. And when their army gets here, they're gonna kill your parents!"
Butters,Why are they gonna kill my parents?
Cartman,Because the Chinese hate Americans! That's why I've started: the American Liberation Front. A group dedicated to freeing American from Chinese tyranny.  Will you join me?
Butters,I don't want my parents to die.
Cartman,So you'll join the American Liberation Front?!
Butters,Well sure.
Cartman,"You and me: we're going to be the brave little boys who fought back, Butters. We are not letting them take over our country. Fuck the Chinese."
Butters,"Yeah,  fuck 'em."
Kyle,No... No!  No...
Kyle,"No, wait. No, we have to stop them! They're raping him. Rape!"
Stan,Let's get out of here!
Kyle,We can't just leave!
Stan,Come on!
Kyle,Aw it's horrible!
Stan,Oh God!
Kyle,Somebody do something!
Clyde,Why are they doing this?!
Kyle,They're just taking Indiana Jones and they're...  they're raping him!
Stan,I can't watch!  Let's get out of here Kyle!
Kyle,Why would Spielberg and Lucas do this?!
Stan,COME ON LET'S GO!
Kyle,WHY ARE THEY DOING THIIIS?!
Stan,JUST RUN!!
Clyde,"Oh God, what have they done?!"
Stan,Why aliens? Aliens don't belong in an Indiana Jones movie?  Come on dude! There's nothing we can do!
Clyde,Whyyy? Whyyy??
Jimmy,We can't help him now.
Butters,Well I thought it was pretty good.
Stan,"Let's just go, Let's just go!"
Kyle,NOO!  Noo. No. Awwh.  Aw no...
Cartman,"All right Butters, we're here.  Are you ready?"
Butters,"I'm scared, but I know my country needs me."
Cartman,"This is it, Butters. We have to be strong. We're taking down those God damned Chinese right now.  Things could get ugly in there, Butters. We've got to infiltrate, and find out the Chinese invasion plans."
Butters,"But Eric, wu-why would the, Chinese tell us their invasion plans?"
Cartman,"Because we're going to make them think... we're one of them.  Here, put these teeth in!  And just say ""herro"" and ""prease"" a lot.  ""Oh, herro prease."" Ping pong ching chong."
Butters,Ping ping. Herro. ...Prease.
Greeter,Uhh welcome to P.F. Chang's. I'll be right with you.
Butters,"Hey, Eric, uh these people aren't Chinese."
Cartman,Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Butters,What?
Cartman,It's already started. White people in here working for the Chinese. They're selling out their own country!
Greeter,"Uh, can I help you?"
Cartman,"Ah yes, herro prease.  We are Chinese peopull."
Butters,Herro prease. Ting tao ding ling.
Greeter,"Uh yeah, why don't I seat you over here?  Your waitress will be right with you."
Cartman,Fruttar sheshar.  What the hell is going on here? We've gotta sneak our back into the back Butters- uh huck!  There they are! Chinese people! There are Chinese people right over there!  Do you see them?
Butters,Yeah.
Cartman,"Oh my God the Chinese are here. Okay, okay I'm freaked out. I'm freaking out."
Butters,"Stay calm, Eric."
Cartman,"They're right over there, and they're gonna start screaming and banging on those drums, and then they're go-  Thank you Butters. All right, we need to go over there and find out what we can from those Commie rats.  Oh, herro, prease, herro."
Butters,"Herro, prease."
Cartman,"So nice to see othaa Chinese peopull heeh. As you can see, we are Chinese peopull ourselves."
Butters,Fing fong ting tong.
Cartman,Ting ton teetong.
Mother,What are they doing?
Father,I don't know.
Cartman,"Yeah,  So, what are the plans to take over America again? I fohgot."
Stan,"Jimmy? I don't know what to do about Kyle.  You know, I... I don't think he's ever going to be the same."
Jimmy,"And what about you, Stan? We were all in the theater that day. We all... saw it happen."
Stan,"Yeah well I, I just try not to think about it."
Jimmy,"I thought I could go on like before. But after seeing Indiana get raped... After seeing Indiana get raped I know I'll never be the sa-a-ame, the same? The same.  Do you remember that scene with Indiana in the refrigerator?  It didn't make any sense, Stan."
Stan,I don't need this now.  I just want things to be the way they were!
Jimmy,"You can't run away from it forever,  Stan! Sooner or later, we all have to face what we fe-fe-fehh fehsow."
Stan,Indiana Jones! All right!
Indy,"Hey there, Stan. All set to see my new adventure?"
Stan,"You bet, Indiana!  No!... Look out Indy, it's... Steven Spielberg and George Lucas!"
Spielberg,Well well hello there Indiana.
Lucas,You're looking cute.
Stan,No! Uh what are you gonna do to him?!
Spielberg,Oh yeah!
Indy,No!
Stan,Indy!
Lucas,Yeah! Get down! Get back down!
Spielberg,"Hold him, Lucas! Come on!"
Lucas,Heheh! He-he ain't goin' nowhere!
Spielberg,Yeah!
Stan,"No, stop! Raape!"
Indy,HOOOOOOOOO!
Cartman,"All right, Butters, I think we've almost got the Chinese to trust us! Now as soon as they tell us their invasion plans, make a run for that door, okay?!"
Butters,"Okay, okay."
Cartman,"Ho ho, that's a good one, Ping Ling. Hoho. So ah where were we? Oh yes, the invasion pran."
Butters,"Huh, invasion pran."
Cartman,What day is American invasion again? I fohget.
Father,"'Scuse me, miss?"
Greeter,Yes sir?
Father,These people won't leave us alone.
Cartman,"...No no, it's okay. We are Chinese peopull."
Father,You aren't Chinese.
Cartman,Oh my God...
Butters,We're busted! Uh what do we do??
Greeter,"Okay, why don't we go..."
Cartman,"Stay- stay back! Nobody moves, you got that?!  Don't... touch us! We know what the Chinese are up to! We saw the Olympic Opening Ceremonies!  The gig is up! Everyone just s-step over to that wall!  I mean it! Butters, hold this gun on them."
Butters,A gun?
Cartman,Hold the gun on them Butters!
Butters,"I don't want a gun, Eric!"
Cartman,"They're taking over our country, Butters! This is life or death now! Help! Me!"
Butters,Oh jeez...
Cartman,"Everyone get up and go over to that wall! Do it! Move!  We, are the American Liberation Front! And you are ALL going to pay for betraying your country to the Chinese!"
Patron,This is stupid. I'm leaving!
Cartman,Nobody is going anywhere until the police arrive!
Patron,Screw you!
Cartman,"Shoot him, Butters!"
Butters,No!
Cartman,"You have to shoot him, Butters! He's gonna warn all the Chinese and they're gonna kill your parents! Do it! Do it!"
Butters,Waah!
Patron,Ow! A-Ah! A-Ooowww!
Cartman,"Aw dude, you shot him in the dick."
Butters,Huh?
Cartman,That's not cool Butters. You don't shoot a guy in the dick.
Butters,"But I was just trying to stop him, and you said-"
Cartman,"It doesn't matter, Butters! You never shoot a guy in the dick. Everyone knows that! Shooting a guy in the dick? That's just, that's just weak. I can't believe you, Butters."
Kyle,"My name is Kyle Broflovski. My friend was raped last Memorial Day weekend. And, and I  I'm gonna help prosecute the men responsible."
DA,You want to bring Steven Spielberg and George Lucas to trial for raping Indiana Jones.
Kyle,"I know that I'll have to testify, that I'll have to... relive what I saw that day.  But I can't let Spielberg and Lucas get away with it. Not this time. Even if I have to do it alone."
Stan,You aren't alone.
Kyle,Stan?
Stan,We'll all testify. We can't let them ever do this again.  I love you.
Kyle,I love you too.
DA,"Uh kids, kids, I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous."
Stan,Wh-why?
DA,You don't have a case here. You can't really say that Spielberg and Lucas raped Indiana Jones in the new film.
Kyle,Did you see it?
DA,"Yes I saw it, but I-  But I just try not to think about it."
Stan,Then you saw what Lucas and Spielberg did to him!
DA,"I don't know what I saw!  All right?! I mean, it wa-it was dark in the theater... I mean... yeah, things got a little out of hand with the plot... the third act took too long, uh-"
Kyle,Indy deserved more than that!
DA,"GET OUT! JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!  No, no..."
Spielberg,"Well well, Indiana Jones.  You're looking nice."
Indy,Hey. Hey!
Spielberg,"There you go, Lucas! Dick him!  He's gonna do it right there! All right! All right Georgie!"
Lucas,"Grab his hands, heh."
DA,Hey leave him alone!
Spielberg,COME ON BIG GUY!
Indy,NOOO!
DA,Nooo... Nohoho...  Waaait!  Wait I... want to help!
Father,"Look, we don't know what you're talking about. There's no Chinese plan to take over America."
Cartman,"Shaddup! These American traitors might have bought your propaganda, but not us!  Oh, thank God, the police are here! We're safe!"
Captain,"You with the gun, step out or we will fire upon you."
Cartman,"No no, you got it wrong. We aren't the Chinese, we're the good gu-  AAH!  Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!"
Butters,Uhwhat?
Cartman,"One of the cops is Chinese! Son of a bitch, how high up does this thing go? We can't trust anybody here, Butters!  Don't come any closer! We have information that that we will only trust with the President of the United States!"
Officer,The President?
Captain,"All right men, come on. We're going in."
Cartman,"No! God damn it we're serious! We'll only talk to the President! Stop! Fire a warning shot, Butters!"
Chinese Officer,"Ow! Ah, o-ow!"
Cartman,Dude! What the fuck are you doing?!
Butters,What? What happened?
Cartman,"God damn it Butters, what did I say about shooting guys in the dick?!"
Butters,"Aw, I did it again?"
Cartman,"What the hell is wrong with you?! That is not cool, Butters! That is not cool!  You don't fucking do that! You don't shoot a guy in the dick!"
Butters,"Well okay, I'm sorry!"
Cartman,...It's not okay! Defeating the Chinese won't mean anything if we do it by going around shooting people in the dick!  God damn it!
DA,"It's all right there in front of you, Detective. Five sworn statements from these... brave boys. It's now up to you."
Det. Yates,Are you nuts?! I'm not going out and arresting Steven Spielberg and George Lucas!
Stan,But they raped Indiana Jones!
Kyle,"I know it's hard to think about, but you have to be strong. Remember how that movie made you feel."
Det. Yates,I didn't see it.
Jimmy,...You didn't see the new Indiana Jones movie?
Det. Yates,"No! I don't think anybody here saw it. Did you, Mitch?  Mitch? Mitch?"
Spielberg,"Well well, Indiana Jones. What you doin' in our neck of the woods?  Now let's see you just drop them pants!"
Indy,Drop?
Spielberg,Just take 'em right off.
Indy,Uh what do you guys want?
Lucas,"Don't say anything, just do it. And pull off that little ol' biddy. The shirt there, too."
Spielberg,"Them panties. Take 'em off.  There, boy! I bet you can squeal! I bet you can squeal like a pig!  Come on, squeal. Squeal now. Squ-squeal!  Weeee! Squeal."
Indy,We-eee!
Spielberg,Squeal louder. Weeee!
Indy,Weee!
Spielberg,Louder louder! Weeee!
Indy,Weee!
Spielberg,Louder! Get down there boy!  Get them britches down.
Indy,No...
Spielberg,"Yes, sir! Come on, squeal! Weeeeee!"
Indy,Weee!
Spielberg,Weeeeee!  Weeee!
Indy,Hawwww! Hawwww!
Kyle,It's okay. You don't have to feel alone anymore.
Cartman,"No no! You listen to me! I have Chinese attackers here! And Chinese supporters! If I go outside, there are more Chinese ready to take me down! Defending America is all that matters, Mr. President! And I will stop at nothing! You understand that I  What happened?!"
Butters,They uh tr-tried to come in through the roof! They were gonna take the gun.
Cartman,Good! Did you kill him?
Butters,"Uh, not exactly."
SWAT Officer,"Ow. Oh, it stings. Ohhhh."
Butters,"Well it's not where I aimed, honest."
Cartman,Dude...
Butters,I seriously didn't mean it.
Cartman,"Dude!  You know what, Butters? You know what? Forget it."
Butters,"What? Uh where are you going, Eric?"
Cartman,"You can just deal with the Chinese invasion yourself if that's how you're gonna do it, Butters! I'm out, man."
Butters,"By, by my, by myself?"
Cartman,I didn't sign up for this! You take your American Liberation Front and you shove it up your ass.  That's it. Kill me. Do whatever. I can no longer conscionably be a part of the American Liberation Front.
Captain,Go inside! Move!
Deputy 1,George Lucas and Steven Spielberg! We have a warrant for your arrest!  Break it in!
Deputy 2,My God.
Spielberg,"Heey, what, what the hell are you doin' here?!  You've got nothin' on us! Seven hundred million box office!"
Lucas,Hm this is bullshit!
Stormtrooper,Weeee! Weeee!
Det. Yates,"Boys, we got 'em."
Kyle,What?
Det. Yates,"Spielberg and Lucas, they were... raping a Stormtrooper when the police broke in."
Mitch,And they found the dead raped bodies of Yoda and Short Round in their closet.  They'll never be free to do this again.
Stan,"So, what now?"
Jimmy,"Do you think things can ever go back to n-n-n, n-no, normal after this?"
Clyde,What do we do?
Kyle,We live. That's what Indy would have wanted. We just try... to live.
Captain,Everyone just stay where you are until we can sort this all out.
Father,There's nothing to sort out! These kids need to be put in jail!
Captain,We're going to search everyone and get statements! And the-
Officer 1,"Sir! Sir, it's over. They got 'em."
Captain,Got who?
Officer 1,"Spielberg and Lucas, they... finally got them for what they did to Indiana Jones, sir."
Captain,"Hohhh, they got them."
Officer 2,They got 'em. It's over.
Officer 3,It's over.
Father,That means... they'll never be free to rape again.
Waiter,It's over its over.
Officer 4,I love you.
Officer 5,I love you too.
Butters,So wait. That's it? What about the Chinese invasion?
Cartman,"I really don't care anymore, Butters. You see, I've learned something today. As Americans our fear of seeing another country become powerful can turn us into monsters. Watching how crazy you went. Watching you just... shoot people in the dick like that. It made me realize that I want America to be safe, but not at the cost of losing its dignity. I'd rather us be... Chinese... than a nation of unethical dickshooters.  You think about it."
Butters,...Can't believe they put 'em in jail. And I thought that movie was pretty good.
Mr. Garrison,"Okay children, let's all take our seats.  Before we get started today, Wendy Testaburger has asked to share something with the class. Wendy?"
Wendy,"Thank you Mr. Garrison.  Fellow students, October is Awareness Month for one of the leading causes of death among women. A terrible disease that takes the lives of American women every day. I'm talking, of course, about breast cancer.  An estimated one in six women will deal with cancer in their lifetime, and breast cancer is the most common-"
Cartman,She said it again.
Wendy,Is there a problem?! Because breast cancer isn't funny! Breast cancer is killing people!
Cartman,"Mr. Garrison, do we really need all this potty talk in the classroom?"
Mr. Garrison,"Eric, for the love of Jesus..."
Wendy,"This is a serious issue, Eric! What you're doing is very offensive!"
Cartman,"Me? You're the one talking about killer titties.  Watch out, guys. Wendy said boobs can kill people.  Grrr. Gonna get you. Gonna get you, Wendy!"
Butters,I don't wanna get killed by boobs.
Wendy,Will somebody do something? Every week he gets worse and nobody does anything!
Mr. Garrison,"Eric, stop being offensive."
Cartman,"I'm just trying to engage Wendy in a constructive dialogue about breast cancer awareness, Mr. Garrison."
Wendy,No you aren't!
Cartman,"Wendy, you need to calm down. You're gonna get your boobs all angry and they're gonna start killing everyone.  Dude, I'm on fire today!"
Cartman,"Look out, everyone. There's some killer titties on the loose.  Could've swore I heard them coming through the roof.  ""Pssht! Officer! We need to get an APB out on those titties! They're armed and dangerous!"""
Wendy,What is your problem?! Breast cancer isn't funny!
Cartman,"Not at all.  ""Wendy, we're gonna get you Wendy. We're your boobs, we're gonna kill you!"""
Wendy,You'd better shut up  or I'll make you shut up!
Cartman,"Oho, really? What are you gonna do about it, Wendy?"
Wendy,I'm gonna kick your ass! That's what I'm gonna do!
Cartman,"Haha, you're gonna kick my ass?"
Wendy,"That's right, I'm gonna kick your ass!"
Cartman,"You wanna throw down, dawg? I'll throw down."
Wendy,You think you're tough?
Cartman,Whassup?  Whassup?
Wendy,I'll smack the shit out of you!
Cartman,"Standing right here, let's go, bitch."
Wendy,After school! We fight after school! You got that?!
Cartman,You're gonna fight me after school?
Wendy,That's right!
Cartman,"You're a chick, dude."
Wendy,"As soon as that bell rings, we do it outside, you got that?! And you better be there."
Cartman,"Oh, it's on, bitch!"
Wendy,You're gonna  fucking die!
Butters,Wendy and Eric are fightin' after school! Hey everybody!  Wendy and Eric are fightin' after school!
Stan,What?
Bebe,Wow.  Wendy and Cartman are gonna fight after school!
Girls,Really? Wow.
Ike,Wendy and Cartman are fighting after school.
Kindergartners,Yaaay!
Red,"Hey emo kids, Cartman and Wendy are gonna fight after school."
Pete,Did she just call us emos?
Butters,"Jeez, I can't believe Wendy's gonna fight you after school."
Token,She is pissed off.
Cartman,"She is not gonna show up to a fight, dawg. I'm sure she's already trying to figure a way to get out of it."
Clyde,"Hey, check it out. She's totally staring you down.  She sure seems confident. You should probably go easy on her, dude. You don't wanna put her in the hospital or anything."
Cartman,"Yeah, I'm just gonna teach her a lesson. I'm not gonna totally... kick her ass."
Jimmy,Can't go too easy on her though. God forbid she actually gets in a good good punch and... beats ya.
Butters,"Yeah, heh.  If you got beat up by a girl, everyone would think you were a faggot."
Cartman,"Wendy, could I talk to you for a second?"
Wendy,What?!
Cartman,"Wendy, I want to apologize, and um, tell you that-"
Wendy,What?
Cartman,"I want to apologize, and tell you that... I'm sorry for what I said. Okay? It was wrong of me, and I promise you that it won't happen again. I don't wanna fight you after school, all right? So, I'm sorry."
Wendy,"If you're really sorry, you can say it in front of everyone!"
Cartman,"Actually, I was thinking... let's just keep this between us. I was wrong to make fun of breast cancer, and I'm very remorsefulness."
Wendy,"No! If you're really sorry, and you wanna apologize to me, then do it in front of everyone!"
Cartman,"Pfft, apologize?!  That's not what I said, you dumb bitch. Heheh, heheh."
Wendy,Yes you did! You just stood there and said you apologize and you don't want to fight!
Cartman,"Oh Wendy, such a desperate attempt to get out of it. These students are a little too smart to see you're just making excuses not to fight me."
Wendy,I don't want an excuse! I'm going to beat the fucking shit out of you!
Cartman,"Ohhh, ahhhh... That's funny. You're gonna die, you lesbo.  Wendy, seriously though, I do want to apologize. I'm really sorry and I don't think we should fight."
Wendy,Get away from me!
Michael,"So, everyone's saying there's gonna be a fight between Eric Cartman and your girlfriend."
Stan,I guess so.
Pete,"And you're gonna... just let that guy... beat up on your woman? Doesn't that like, go against your jockey man code or something?"
Michael,"Yeah, I don't ever remember AC/DC singing about letting dudes beat up on their girlfriends."
Stan,What am I supposed to do about it?
Craig,"Don't worry, Stan, I don't think the fight's even gonna happen. Cartman said that Wendy's already begging him to call it off."
Jimmy,I'll bet she is!
Butters,Ah I hope not! I wanna see Eric kick the crap out of her!
Cartman,Wendy. Wendy psst.
Wendy,What?!
Cartman,"Psst real, real quick. Just psst, real quick.  Wendy, you're not gonna believe this.  I just found out my mom has breast cancer.  Man, I sure got what was coming to me! I was a real jerk, and now they're gonna cut off my mom's boobs."
Wendy,You really think that's gonna work on me?!
Cartman,"Wendy,  I have here twenty-seven dollars in cash. If you just call off the fight then I-"
Wendy,You can't bribe your way out of this!
Cartman,"Wendy, I have muscular dystrophy."
Wendy,No you don't.
Cartman,My mom has muscular dystrophy. In her boobs.
Wendy,"You don't get it, asshole!  There is nothing you can do to stop this fight! I am going to wipe the playground with you right in front of everyone! I am going to shove your ass down your throat and make you eat your underwear!"
Cartman,Eat my underwear?
Wendy,That's right.
Cartman,"Okay. Okay Wendy. I will eat my underwear. Right here, right now."
Wendy,"Jesus Christ, do you have no sense of self-respect?!"
Cartman,"No. U-unless you want me to. You want me to have self-respect, then I will."
Wendy,You fucking suck so hard!!
Cartman,"I'll eat my underwear, Wendy.  And then you'll be satisfied. We can put this whole thing behind us."
Wendy,What are you doing?!
Cartman,"I'm committed to peace, Wendy.  I want you to see just how humbled I am..."
Wendy,Ew!
Cartman,Euugh. Wendy? Look at me Wendy.  There. Yeahm.
Wendy,Oh my God!
Cartman,So...  are we cool?
Wendy,No!
Cartman,I ate my underwear!  What the hell do you want from me?!  Weh-
Wendy,You are so pathetic!
Cartman,"Wendy it isn't fair!  I ate my underwear for you! Nooo!  Yo, what's up dawg?"
Cartman,"Stan, Stan! Dude, we need to talk."
Stan,What?
Cartman,"You know, Wendy and I are supposed to fight in like three hours."
Stan,Yeah?
Cartman,"Dude, aren't you worried? Wendy's a girl. She could end up getting really hurt, Stan. You're my bro, and she's your bitch. I don't wanna hurt my bro's bitch."
Stan,I can't do anything; she really wants to fight you.
Cartman,"Nu-no, she doesn't. She told me she doesn't wanna fight. She's just stuck, Stan. Because she knows I'm gonna kick her ass, but she feels like if she doesn't fight me all the kids are gonna call her a chicken."
Stan,Really?
Cartman,"You know what she did? She apologized and begged me not to fight her. I said ""Well Wendy, if you're so sorry, then say it in front of everyone."" But she wouldn't. That's how desperate she is. Man you have to do something, Stan. You have to be a fuckin' man and forbid her from fighting, so she has a way-  Oh, that's where I put those.  Anyway, Stan, you've got to put a stop to this fight. Wendy's stuck and she needs you."
Stan,"Dude, there's nothing I can do about it."
Cartman,"God, you are such a pussy, Stan! You're such a pussy! When I hurt Wendy, it's gonna be on your fucking head!"
Mr. Garrison,"And so you see, at this point Euripides knew he could not win the battle.  All right kids, for your homework tonight I want you all to read chapters seven..."
Bebe,"Kick the shit out of him, Wendy!"
Jimmy,"As soon as the bell rings, we've gotta get out there and find a good place to watch the fi-fufu-fight."
Butters,Almost time.
Mr. Garrison,And be ready for a quiz tomorrow morning.
Clyde,"I totally can't see the fight, dude. I have detention after school."
Cartman,Detention! That's it!
Mr. Garrison,"Eric, did you just take a crap on my desk?"
Cartman,"Whassup? Whassup? Crapped on your desk, dawg. What's up with that?"
Butters,Huh.
Mr. Mackey,"Welcome to detention, m'kay? You are here until your parents come and pick you up. Use your time to study."
Cartman,"Ahhh, sweet."
Butters,"Eric. Hey Eric.  Eric, wha-what's goin' on? Everyone is startin' to say you got detention on purpose to get out of fightin' Wendy."
Cartman,What?! That's ridiculous!
Butters,"But some people think you crapped on Teacher's desk, uh to get out of the fight."
Cartman,That's not why I did it.
Craig,Then why'd you crap on Garrison's desk?
Cartman,"Because I'm hardcore. You know, I'm I'm antiestablishment. That's how I roll, dawgs. I do hardcore stuff like that."
Butters,"That's what I said. I told everyone outside, ""Cartman ain't scared of fightin' Wendy! He'd do it if he could!"""
Cartman,"Damned straight! I just got all punk rock and got detention, you know! I'm just a bad dude."
Craig,"Okay, that's good, because we moved the fight to first thing in the morning tomorrow."
Jimmy,Before school starts. Everyone's gonna get there early.
Cartman,Huh?
Butters,That way it won't matter if you get detention.
Mr. Mackey,"Eric, get your buns back over here, m'kay?!"
Jimmy,"Wendy said she'd be here an hour before school starts. See you in the morning, ch-ch-ch-champ!"
Wendy,Tomorrow morning! You fucking die tomorrow morning!
Mrs. Testaburger,Wendy?
Wendy,Yeah?
Mrs. Testaburger,"We need to talk to you, right now.  Wendy, have you been bullying kids at school?"
Wendy,What? No!
Mrs. Testaburger,"Well, do you want to explain why this little boy's mother had to come talk to us?"
Mr. Testaburger,Did you tell this little boy you were going to beat him up?!
Wendy,You don't understand. He said horrible things.
Cartman,"The, the thing is, I totally said I was sorry, but she still wants to beat me up."
Mrs. Testaburger,"Wendy, no matter what a person says, you don't respond with violence. Haven't we taught you that?"
Cartman,"The thing is, Wendy, I really think you're awesome, and I know I'm just a nerdy little weakling to you, but I want to be your friend because I don't have that many friends at schooooooooooool."
Mrs. Testaburger,"Wendy, you tell this little boy you aren't going to hurt him!"
Wendy,"Mom, you don't-"
Mrs. Testaburger,"Now, young lady."
Wendy,I'm not going to hurt you.
Mr. Testaburger,"If there is any word of you fighting at school it's over for you, missy! Do you understand?!"
Wendy,Yes sir.
Mr. Testaburger,"We're so sorry about this, Ms. Cartman."
Liane,"Oh no, thank you so much for your time."
Mr. Testaburger,It won't happen again.
Liane,"You're very sweet. Thank you again. Come on, muffin."
Cartman,Okay Mommy. Mamamama.
Butters,Man it's almost time for school to start an' Wendy still isn't here.
Cartman,"Yeah, I don't know what's going on. I mean, I showed up."
Bebe,Where is she? How come Wendy's not showing up for the fight?
An Older Girl,Here she comes!
Cartman,"What's up, Wendy? I thought we were meeting early to fight."
Wendy,You know I can't fight you!
Cartman,Why not? You chicken?
Wendy,I can't fight you because you came crying to my house last night with your mom!
Cartman,"Pfffft. Aw, that's a doozie, Wendy! You come up with that one on your own?!"
Butters,"Hehehe yeah, did you come up with that one on your own?!"
Cartman,"I ain't frontin' dawg! Let's do this! Let's do it right now, yo."
Bebe,"Come on Wendy, kick his ass!"
Wendy,I can't!  God damn it!
Butters,She chickened out!
Other students,Aw man.
Cartman,Told you guys.
Stan,"Ugh, I'm glad that's over with."
Pete,"Yeah, I guess you've dodged a bullet, Galahad."
Jimmy,I always knew deep down that Wendy didn't have any ba-ba-balls.
Clyde,"And so, we must all recycle. Every day. Recycling is important, and it will save our planet, Earth. The End."
Mr. Garrison,"Very nice, Clyde. Okay, we have time for one more report before recess. Who'd like to go?  Okay Eric."
Cartman,"Thank you. My report today is on breast cancer awareness.  I do not believe enough is being done, and, like the victims of breast cancer, there's something I'd like to get off my chest.  We all must fight, and hopefully one day, titty cancer will be a distant mammary."
Wendy,You unbelievable bastard. You beat me but you won't stop.
Cartman,What did the breast cancer say to the Polish monkey?
Mr. Garrison,"Okay Eric, that's enough you smartass!"
Wendy,Why?!  Why are you doing this to me?!  Why won't you just stop?!
Cartman,"Wendy, Wendy."
Principal Victoria,Wendy Testaburger to the principal's office please? Wendy Testaburger to the principal's office.
Wendy,God!
Principal Victoria,"Wendy, I've been hearing rumors about a fight between you and Eric Cartman."
Wendy,"No ma'am, there isn't going to be a fight."
Principal Victoria,Oh no? Are you sure?
Wendy,Yes ma'am!
Principal Victoria,I see.  I've noticed all the things you've done for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Did you know I'm a breast cancer survivor?
Wendy,Ma'am?
Principal Victoria,"I was diagnosed seven years ago. Cancer is... pure evil. It is a fat little lump that needs to be... destroyed.  When there is a cancer, you have to ""fight"" it. You can't reason with cancer, you can't wish it away. Cancer doesn't play by the rules, so neither can you."
Wendy,My... parents said that if I fight-
Principal Victoria,"And you can't listen to what anybody else tells you.  You have to be willing to give up everything, because the cancer will  take everything. Do you understand?"
Wendy,Yes ma'am!
Principal Victoria,"When you have cancer you fight, because it doesn't matter if you beat it or not. You refuse to let that fat little lump make you feel powerless!"
Bebe,She's gonna fight! Wendy's gonna fight Cartman right now!
Millie,What?
Cartman,"Go deep, Craig.  Not that deep, retard!"
Butters,She's coming! She's coming!
Cartman,"Butters, get out of here!"
Butters,But Wendy's coming to fight you.
Cartman,...Huh?
Clyde,Oh boy here we go!
Butters,All right!
Pete,It's about freaking time.
Craig,"All right, let's DO IT!"
Cartman,"What- what's up?  What what's up?  Wendy, don't forget: I'll tell my mom on you."
Wendy,I don't care!
Cartman,"Um, recess is almost over, I don't I don't know if there's really time."
A Girl,Shut up and fight!
Cartman,"All right, fine Wendy!  I'll fight ya you big bully!"
Kids,Ohhhhh!
Butters,"Fuck him up, Wendy!"
Mr. Mackey,Wendy?
Wendy,I'm finished!
Mr. Mackey,Eh somebod - somebody call the principal!
Cartman,You don't have to say anything. I know how it is. I'm no longer the cool kid. Now you all think I'm a fahahahahahag.  My school life is over 'cause now all the guys don't think I'm coooohoohoohoohoohooooool.
Stan,"Dude, we never thought you were cool."
Cartman,That's not true. You're just saying that.
Kyle,"No, really. We've always thought you suck."
Jimmy,"Yeah, nothing's changed. Our opinion of you can't possible go any lower."
Cartman,You're all just saying that to make me feel better.
Craig,"No, it's true. We've always hated you."
Butters,Well yeah.
Cartman,"Don't try and make me feel better, you guys, it isn't... Wait, wait a minute. Why would you guys be saying stuff to make me feel better? Unless... unless you do think I'm cool."
Craig,What?
Cartman,"If you're all trying to make me feel better, then you must still like me. Oh, oh phew! Oh, you had me so worried about what you guys were gonna think of me getting beat up by a girl and... it turns out you think I'm cool no matter what. Oh, oh, oh God, what a relief!  Oh, yay!"
Kyle,"I don't get it, Kenny: why do you buy razors and shaving cream?"
Kenny,"(Hey dude, I like to shave my balls.)"
Cartman,Shave your balls? Why would you shave your balls?
Kenny,('Cause girls like shaved balls.)
Kyle,Girls like shaved balls?
Kenny,(Yes they do.)
Cartman,What girl is gonna see your balls?
Kenny,(Well I don't know.)
Stan,"Oh Jesus, there's another one!  Another pan flute band! Have you guys noticed there's bands like this everywhere you go lately?"
Cartman,Yeah I saw like three of those bands down in Denver yesterday. All their crappy music sounds the same.
Stan,I'm so sick of hearing this music everywhere I go!
Kyle,I think Kenny likes it.
Stan,I gotta get home for dinner.
Cartman,"Yeah, me too."
Stan,God!
Cartman,Shut up already!
Stan,I'm outta here; see ya guys.
TV,"Tonight, the Travel Channel takes you to London!  London has something for everyone! Sights!  Theater, and wonderful street performers!"
Stan,They're in London too?
Sharon,"Hey, time for dinner guys."
Sharon,"All right kids, dig in."
Stan,Where's dad?
Sharon,He's upstairs videotaping your grandfather in the bathtub.
Stan,Why?
Sharon,Because ever since your father got that stupid video camera he thinks he has to film everything the family does.
Randy,"All right, here we are. Marsh family gathered for another dinner."
Sharon,"Randy, we have plenty of video of us eating dinner."
Randy,There's Shelly. You excited about eating dinner Shelly?
Shelly,"Turn it off, Dad!"
Randy,"Oh look! Stan's eating a tater-tot! Wave to the camera, Stan."
Stan,Oh Jesus Christ!
Randy,"Ohhh neato, it's one of those Peruvian pan flute bands. Stan, go out and stand with them. I can get a shot."
Cartman,"I will play this card to move Kyle back seven spaces...  ...screw you Kyle.  Aaand all right, your turn, Kenny."
Stan,"You guys! You guys, check this out: I saw another Peruvian flute band outside my house last night."
Cartman,So?
Stan,"So? So I just sat there and watched them for a while and, guess how much money they made selling their crappy CDs?"
Cartman,How much?
Stan,Over two hundred bucks.
Kyle,Two hundred dollars?
Cartman,Really? Are you sure?
Stan,"Yeah dude, I'm- I'm starting to realize that it's like the easiest job in the world. You know, I mean, we could do that!"
Kyle,...Become a Peruvian flute band?
Stan,"Yeah, why not? We get some instruments and some costumes and then... make some crappy pan flute music CDs on my computer."
Cartman,Oh my god. We're gonna make so much fucking money you guys.
Stan,Yeah!
Kenny,(Woohoo!)
Kyle,But where are we gonna get the money to buy costumes and and the instruments?
Cartman,"Craig, dude, how're you doing, bro?"
Craig,...Fine.
Cartman,"Cool, awesome. Um, Craig, remember how you were tellin' us how your grandma gave you a hundred bucks for your birthday?"
Craig,...Yeah.
Stan,"Craig, how would you like to turn that hundred dollars into a thousand dollars?"
Cartman,"Come on in, Craig. Have a seat. Welcome."
Craig,What do you guys want?
Kyle,"Craig, we have chosen you to join our Peruvian flute band!"
Cartman,All right Craig!
Craig,You mean like those guys you see at all the tourist spots?
Stan,"There's a reason they're everywhere, Craig: because they make bank! We just need your money to buy instruments and make some CDs."
Cartman,"And we'll double your money in one afternoon, Craig."
Craig,You guys never hang out with me. You never invite me to do stuff. But now you want me to be in a band with you because my grandma gave me a hundred dollars.
Cartman,"Craig, don't be an asshole."
Craig,I'll go get the money.
Stan,"All right guys, just like we rehearsed it. You ready Craig? All right, let's jam!"
Cartman,"And a one, and a two, and a-"
Man 1,"Wow, that's such cultural music."
Man 2,"Very cultural, yes."
Cartman,"Por favor, buy our CDs de musica."
Kyle,Gracias.
Woman 1,How cultural.
Kyle,This is awesome!
Stan,"Ya see, Craig?"
Cartman,Hey! Heyheyheyheyhey!
Stan,"Hey, you guys can't play here. We were here first."
Cartman,No trabajar aqui! Vaya! No pleya la musica en la promenade! No es bueno!
Stan,"This is our Peruvian flute band's turf, you got that?!"
Kyle,God damn it!
Cartman,No! No es bueno!
Stan,"Come on, guys."
Stan,Jesus Christ!
Cartman,"No, no es bueno! No trabajar aqui!"
Michael Chertoff,"Ladies and gentlemen, our nation and our world is facing an economic and ecological crisis of disastrous proportions. I'm talking of course about Peruvian flute bands.  The red dots indicate where the highest concentrations of Peruvian flute bands are. All over the world, wherever there are tourists or shoppers, there are now, on average, 65 Peruvian flute bands per square kilometer. General?"
Chief Aide,"France, Japan, and the northeastern United States are currently the hardest hit. Make no mistake:  this is a pan flute epidemic."
Senator 1,A pan-demic?
Michael Chertoff,Three countries in Asia and seven in Europe have already asked for our help in getting rid of their Peruvian flute bands. We will need every resource available to see this through.
Senator 2,"Excuse me, but... aid other countries?"
Michael Chertoff,Senator?
Senator 2,With all due respect we need to be dealing with our own pan flute bands! Let other countries fend for themselves!
Michael Chertoff,"You heartless bastard! This country was founded on beliefs in freedom and integrity! And we will not sit back and do nothing while less fortunate countries are ravaged by Peruvian flute bands! Is that clear?!  As director of Homeland Security, I am taking control of the military until the crisis is contained."
Paratrooper,"Go, go!"
Cartman,"Ha!  Serves you right, assholes!"
Soldier 1,One more over here!
Soldier 2,Let's go! Get 'em out!
Soldier 3,"Clear out, move! This is a Homeland Security operation, people, let's go!"
Stan,"Hey, back off!"
Soldier 3,Make sure all pan flute music CDs are contained!
Randy,"There's Sharon and Shelly. They're watching some television. Wave to the camera, Shelly.  What are you watching, guys?"
Sharon,The news.
Randy,Huh?
Sharon,We're watching the news.
Randy,"That's the TV in our living room, still showing commercials right now.  What do you think about the television, Shelly?  Oh, the news is starting!"
Anchorman Tom,"The government efforts to stop the Peruvian flute band crisis are now in their third day.  In cities all over the world  flute bands have been removed and quarantined.  But more may still be out there. Homeland Security's requesting that  if you see a Peruvian flute band, do not approach it. Mark down the flute band's location, and do not, under any circumstances, buy their CDs.  The flute bands that have been contained are being taken to a quarantined area in Miami."
Stan,"Eh-excuse us. Hello?  Uh excuse me. Sir? Sir, there's been a misunderstanding. Can, can I talk to you for a minute?"
Kyle,"Sir? Sir, can we talk to you for just a second?"
Guard,Get back! I'm not buying any of your damned CDs!
Stan,"No. Sir, there's been a biiig misunderstanding. We actually aren't a Peruvian-"
Guard,"I said I'm not buying any God damned CDs today, you got that?! I'm sick of it!"
A Musician,Señor? Comprar CD la musica?
Kenny,"(Jesus Christ, he fucking shot that guy!)"
Craig,"""Hey, Craig. You know that money your grandma gave you for your birthday? How would you like to invest in a Peruvian flute band? You can double your money in one afternoon. Come on, Craig, don't be an asshole."""
Michael Chertoff,Attention Peruvian flute bands:
Translator,Atencione bandas de flauta Perú.
Michael Chertoff,We appreciate your cooperation and patience.
Translator,Cooperacion y peciencia es apreciado.
Michael Chertoff,Tomorrow you will be boarding ships...
Translator,Mañana sera el embarque de barcos...
Michael Chertoff,...which will take you to Guantanamo Bay.
Translator,...que la lleva a viajar Guantanimo.
Michael Chertoff,There you will spend the rest of your lives.
Translator,Donde pasar el resto de sus vidas. Gracias!
Kyle,Guantanamo Bay?! We can't go to Guantanamo Bay!
Stan,Don't worry you guys. I'm sure our parents are freaking out right now trying to find us.
Sharon,"Please, Mr. and Mrs. Tucker, our boys were last seen hanging out with your son Craig. Do you have any idea where they could've gone?"
Mrs. Tucker,"No, I'm telling you. This isn't like Craig at all. I'm really worried."
Mr. Tucker,You've checked with the police?
Gerald,Nobody know anything. It's li-it's like the boys just vanished!
Sharon,"None of the other kids have seen them since a-  Randy, will you put that thing down?! What is wrong with you?! Our son is missing!"
Randy,"Hey, I'm worried about him too, Sharon."
Sharon,Well then stop being an idiot and help!
Mr. Tucker,Maybe the boys all ran away. Were any of your boys upset about anything?
Gerald,All we know is they were seen hanging out with Craig and now they're gone.
Sheila,That's exactly why I told Kyle not to hang around that boy.
Mrs. Tucker,What is that supposed to mean?
Sharon,"To be honest, Mrs. Tucker, we think Craig is bad influence on our boys."
Mrs. Tucker,Now wait just a minute!
Sharon,I'm just saying that your son has some problems a-
Mr. Tucker,Like every kid doesn't have some problems!
Sheila,Obviously Craig has gotten them into some kind of trouble.
Mrs. Tucker,Oh my God!
Mr. Tucker,This is ridiculous!
Randy,Ohhh this is good!
Gerald,That's not ridicul-
Soldier 4,"Sir, good news! Looks like we did it. Every major city is reporting zero Peruvian flute bands. We got 'em all!"
Michael Chertoff,"Calm down people, we still have work to do! We have to take out the place these flute bands came from so they never come again!"
Official 1,"We don't know where they came from, sir. We... we've been researching, but we... can't figure it out."
Michael Chertoff,"Well think about it, idiot! Where else would ""Peruvian"" flute bands come from?"
Official 1,Hmm...
Michael Chertoff,The country is in the name!
Official 2,"No. Sir, we checked the entire map. There isn't a country called Peruvian anywhere."
Michael Chertoff,"Not Peruvian, retards, Peru! It's right here!"
Official 3,Peh-roo.
Michael Chertoff,Now I want a plan in place to take out Peru once and for all!
Official 1,"Is that really necessary, sir? It seems a little extreme."
Soldier 2,Yeah.
Michael Chertoff,Peruvian flute bands will never stop annoying us  unless they are stopped at the source!
Chief Aide,"Sir, you'd better come quick. One of the pan flute bands was caught trying to escape."
Michael Chertoff,See?  God damn it!
Michael Chertoff,The Llama Brothers: Tapas and Moodscapes.
Stan,"This is a mistake, sir, we aren't really a Peruvian flute band."
Michael Chertoff,"Right. You just play pan flute music at the mall and sell CDs of you with a llama, but you're not a Peruvian flute band."
Stan,"We... we- we're just kids, you know? We, we were just trying to make some money."
Kyle,We just wanna go home.
Kenny,"(Sir, please, I'm supposed to get laid for the first time on Saturday.)"
Michael Chertoff,Which tourist location were they playing at?
Chief Aide,An outdoor mall in Colorado.
Kyle,"Look, we're from Colorado! We, we grew up in the United States."
Stan,We we speak English!
Cartman,And we're White.
Michael Chertoff,Let me talk to you guys out here.  Well what do you think?
Chief Aide,"I don't know what to make of it sir. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. Clearly they are a Peruvian flute band and yet they... aren't. They play pan flute music like the others, but they talk and act like ...one of us."
Michael Chertoff,I agree. They're obviously some kind of... hybrid.
Official 1,A hybrid? Ah how is that possible?
Chief Aide,Perhaps a Peruvian flute band mated with one of our females. Who knows?
Michael Chertoff,"Well however they came to be, they're about the only piece of good luck we've had."
Official 1,Sir?
Michael Chertoff,"If they are the hybrid we're talking about,  then they could be our way of taking out Peru once and for all."
Craig,"Do you guys know why nobody else at school likes hanging out with you?  Because you're always doing stuff like this. You're always coming up with some stupid idea to do something, and then it backfires, and then you end up in some foreign country, or in outer space or something. That's why no one likes hanging out with you guys."
Cartman,"You're being extremely negative, Craig."
Michael Chertoff,"All right, here's the deal: Maybe you are on our side and maybe you aren't, but if you help us... we'll get you home."
Stan,Help you how?
Michael Chertoff,You're able to walk amongst the Peruvian flute bands. They see you as one of them. We are going to send you to their Capital.
Craig,"Can we please just go home, sir?"
Michael Chertoff,"We still don't know whose side you're on! You do this, and we'll know! You leave for Peru in the morning."
Kyle,"No! No, I'm not going to Peru! Not Peru!"
Stan,"Kyle, calm down."
Kyle,"You know I can't go there, Stan!"
Stan,One of our friends was raped in Peru. It was very traumatic.
Michael Chertoff,"You don't have a choice! Either you go to Peru, or you get locked up forever with the other flute bands."
Soldier 3,"Thompson, can you come over here?  The flute band players won't shut up about something and I can't understand them."
Musician 2,¡Por favor! ¡No podemos ir! ¡Estamos aquí para proteger a ustedes!
Musician 3,Sí.
Other Musicians,"Sí. No podemos ir. Si, protectores."
Thompson,"They're saying something like, ""You can't send us away. We are the protectors."""
Soldier 3,Protectors from what?
Musician 2,¡La muerte peluda! ¡La muerte peluda!
Soldier 3,What does that mean?
Thompson,"I think he said, ""the furry death""?"
Musician 2,La muerte peluda. ¡La muerte peluda!
Announcer,This is CNN.
Anchorman Tom,"The last of the Peruvian flute bands have successfully been eradicated from every part of the world. Paul Harris is at the shopping promenade and Paul, pretty nice not having any Peruvian flute music there, I suspect."
Paul Harris,"Really welcome silence, Tom. There hasn't been a Peruvian pan flute band in sight for days now, and everyone is really enjoying the peace. The world can breathe a collective sigh of relief now as we thank the-  What the?!"
Woman 2,Oh my Gohhhd!
Woman 3,Ohmigod!
Paul Harris,Jesus Christ!
Shopper,AAAAHHH!!
Paul Harris,"There's, there's something else here, it's...  It's not a Peruvian flute band, it's a... Oh my God what is that thing?!"
Anchorman Tom,"Paul Paul, what do you see?"
Paul Harris,It's furry! It's very furry!
Anchorman Tom,"Okay obviously something different has uh shown up a-... Did he say ""furry""?  Okay uh we're we're experiencing some uh-  My God what is that thing?!  AAAHHH!!"
Pilot,"All right, we're about 800 kilometers from Peru. There'll be a truck to take you inside the border where you're briefed on mission specifics."
Craig,"Was there ever a moment when you guys first came up with the genius plan to become a Peruvian flute band that any of you said ""Hey, you know? This plan might backfire.""  No, that never occurred to you. Because you guys are jerks, and you never learn from your mistakes, and that's why everyone at school thinks you guys are assholes."
Kyle,That's not true. Kids at school like us. Don't they?
Stan,"Yeah dude, kids at school totally like us. Craig is just being a dick because we're having a tough time right now."
Craig,I'm being a dick?
Stan,Yes!
Craig,"You guys took my birthday money, got me arrested and sent to Miami with no way home except to take down the country of Peru, and I'm being a dick?"
Cartman,There's no talking to this guy.
Stan,"All right, fine, Craig. When we get back home we'll get you your money back, and we'll never talk to you again. How's that?"
Craig,That would be great. Thank you.
Kyle,This is wrong. Uh this just doesn't make any sense. Why would Homeland Security send us into Peru?
Kenny,(Because they're trying to take over the world?)
Kyle,"Ah, I don't know, it just feels like... there's got to be something else going on here."
Sharon,"Please, I don't know where else to turn. The police haven't been any help, ugheh, I think our boys might really be in trouble this time. Yes. Yes. Please, check and call me right back. Thank you.  Randy I swear to God if you don't put that thing away...!"
Randy,"Sharon, you're gonna be really glad I have all this footage of the family someday."
Sharon,I mean it Randy that's enough!! You don't have to videotape every single-!!
Randy,What the hell was that?
Sharon,Oh my God.
Randy,"Something's going on outside! Stay, stay here!"
Shelly,"What's going on, Dad?"
Randy,"Get back to your room, Shelly!"
Randy,What's going on?
Mr. Garrison,They're all over the place!
Randy,What are?!
Mr. Garrison,They're really furry!
Randy,What did that?!  What is that thing?!
Officer Barbrady,"Mr. Marsh, you have to move! It isn't safe to be here!"
Linda,AAAAAAAAH!!
Randy,Oh my Gohhhd!
Stephen,Go go go go back the other way!
Randy,"Oho, oh God, oh God, oh God.  Oh God.  I'm  I'm so  Startled."
A Woman,Oh my Gohhhd!
Randy,HAAA!
Chief Aide,Sir? We've got a bigger problem.
Michael Chertoff,Oh? And what might that be?
Chief Aide,New reports are coming in from cities all over the world. Word of massive destruction and death by what ap-pear to be...
Michael Chertoff,Guinea pigs?
Chief Aide,Yes sir. How did you know?
Michael Chertoff,"You were so close to figuring it all out, Davis, did you know that?"
Davis,Sir?
Michael Chertoff,"I really thought you had me in Miami, but you just couldn't quite put the pieces together."
Davis,You... You... knew this was going to happen.
Michael Chertoff,"Oh, this is only the beginning, Davis, and I can't let you interfere.  Sorry my friend, but I've worked too hard to make all this happen. The pan flute bands are on their way to their deaths, the guinea pigs are rising, and the only person who could have stopped all this... is on his way to the middle of nowhere."
Shelly,"What's going on, Dad?"
Officer Barbrady,Mr. Marsh you have to move! It isn't-
Randy,Oh God.  I'm-  I'm so-  Startled.  ARRRGH!
Craig,"My name is Craig Tucker. Last week was my birthday.  My Grandma gave me a check for a hundred dollars.  I was sooo happy. But then, four kids from school came to my house  and said I should use my hundred dollars to invest in becoming a Peruvian flute band.  They promised I would double my money in one afternoon.  But the government arrested us along with all the other Peruvian flute bands and took us to an internment camp in Miami.  We begged to go home, but instead the government told us they were sending us to Peru.  And so that is now why I'm in Peru. If I die, let it be known that it is because four guys I don't even like from school lied to me and took my birthday money."
Stan,"We didn't lie, Craig, it was a sweet idea!"
Kyle,Yeah. How are we supposed to know that pan flute bands would be outlawed?
Cpt. Taylor,I don't get it. They said the military would meet us here.
Cpt. Gabriel,This is where they told us to land. Can you get through to Washington?
Cpt. Taylor,I'm trying.
A Voice,This is Connor in Washington.
Cpt. Taylor,"Hey, Connor, the place that Homeland Security told us to start the operation, there, there's nobody here to meet us. It's like they sent us to no man's land."
Carter,Jesus they're everywhere!
Cpt. Taylor,What are everywhere?
Carter,...so furry! They're attacking... every city... ha- people dying... Ha-... guinea pigs... all over! Agh.
Stan,Guinea pigs?
Carter,Can't stop them! Need to get... out... ergh. I just ate... a peanut... Agh peanut now stuck... in throat... Urgh shouldn't eat peanut... when scared.
Randy,"I've got the video camera. Got it turned on again.  Okay. This is... Randy Marsh... I'm shooting this video of myself. Twenty minutes ago some... huge creatures attacked our town... Still chaos out the window...  I barely made it back to the house. Sharon is here with me,  and there's Shelly.  Wave to the camera, Shelly."
Sharon,"Randy, will you put down that camera? We need to figure out what to do."
Randy,I don't know what to do. I'm so startled.
Sharon,We have to see what the news is saying.
Reporter,This is a shot of New York City where the... giant guinea pigs have also attacked.
Sharon,Guinea pigs?
Reporter,Reports of attacks are coming in from major cities all over the world.
Randy,"Jesus, this thing is worldwide?"
Sharon,"Look at that thing! Randy, what are we gonna do?"
Randy,Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my Gohhhd!
Sharon,"Go Randy, run!"
Randy,Gotta get out!
Cpt. Taylor,"Michaels, Harrison, anybody?  Nothing. LSAT is down and no answer at RCU. Whatever is going on out there is huge."
Stan,"Ah all right, just let me get this straight: the head of Homeland Security ordered you to fly us, five kids, to Peru, but had you land way up in the Andes Mountains of Peru so that other government people could meet us and then... somehow tell us how to go to the capital of Peru, way over in Lima, and take down their government."
Cpt. Taylor,"...Yes, that was the order."
Kyle,And that makes sense to you?
Cpt. Taylor,"Nope, not at all."
Cpt. Gabriel,"Actually, the whole rounding up of the pan flute bands didn't make sense to any of us either."
Stan,"None of what that Homeland Security guy does make sense, so could you just fly us home, please?!"
Cpt. Taylor,"You don't understand, the plan was to have a refueling truck meet us here. We don't have enough gas to fly anyplace."
Craig,"Oh, that's awesome."
Kyle,So we've gotta find another way out of here.
Cpt. Taylor,"It's starting to look that way, yeah."
Craig,This is fun. Let's walk for miles through a spooky jungle. It just keeps getting better and better.
Cartman,"You know what, we're getting pretty sick of your attitude, Craig."
Kenny,(Yeah!)
Cartman,Nobody likes hanging out with people who complain all the time.
Cpt. Gabriel,"Luck at that: no lights on, nothing. It's like, humans have never been to this part of Peru."
Top Official,"More guinea pigs seem to be moving in from all directions. We checked on Wikipedia and found out that guinea pigs are from the Andes Mountains, here."
Michael Chertoff,What about the pan flute bands? Are they on their way to Guantanamo Bay?
Official 1,"...Sir, we believe we have bigger problems right now than pan flute bands."
Michael Chertoff,Have they been loaded onto the boats or not?!
Official 2,No sir. We diverted all the resources away from the pan flute bands to deal with the guinea pigs.
Michael Chertoff,That was an order!  The pan flute bands were to be put on boats to Guantanamo last night!  I am still in charge here! I want those pan flute bands on the boats to Guantanamo!
Soldier 4,Yes sir. I don't see why you have to yell at people.
Randy,"Hey we're down in... Main Street now and...  Wah? Oh, ohh, look at that.  Ohhh!"
Sharon,"Where do we go, Randy?"
Randy,We've got to get out of town. Go through that way.
Man,"Geow, my arm! MY ARM!"
Randy,Oh Jesus!
Sharon,"Randy, run!"
Randy,"Okay. We're running now.  There's Sharon and Shelly running. Wave to the camera, Shelly!"
Shelly,Dad!
Randy,"In there, in there!  Oh God, oh God I'm so startled. Are you startled, Sharon?"
Sharon,"Randy, put down that c-!"
Shelly,It's gonna kill us!
Sharon,"Just stay down, Shelly. It can't come in here."
Randy,"Hold on, hold on, I need to get a shot of it from outside."
Sharon,Randy? Where are you going?
Randy,Here we see a view from outside the bus.
Sharon,Randy!  What the hell are you doing?
Randy,"I got a... really good shot of it, Sharon."
Cpt. Gabriel,"I don't know, Lemsky. This entire area of Peru isn't even charted on the maps."
Cpt. Taylor,This whole valley is strange. Just look at the size of that fruit.  Ain't that a peach? And how do you like them apples?
Cpt. Gabriel,Take a look at this! They look like... beehive combs.
Cpt. Taylor,Oh my God.
Stan,"Dude, what is this place?"
Cpt. Taylor,"It's like... an unknown valley that time forgot, where everything grows huge."
Craig,"That's a shock. I decided to follow you guys, and now I'm in the land of the giants lost world."
Stan,"Craig, it isn't our fault! You make it sound like we always wanna be in situations like this but we don't have any choice!"
Kyle,Yeah. Stuff just happens.
Craig,Stuff just happens.
Kyle,That's right!
Craig,You just wind up being sent by the government to take down the city of Lima only to wind up in the land of the giants lost world.
Cartman,That's right.
Craig,You know when stuff happens to most kids? They fall off their bikes. They get in fights with their parents. They get swindled out of their birthday money.
Cpt. Taylor,"Look, wherever we are, I think we'd better keep moving."
Kenny,"(Hey, look out!)"
Cpt. Taylor,"Ohhh stop it, make it stohhhp!"
Randy,"All right, all right. Here's Sharon and Shelly on the roof of Best Buy. We, we run up here to get off the streets. We found the Stotch family hiding up here also. There's Chris and Linda, and their son Butters."
Butters,"Hello, heh."
Linda,"What is that? Chris, what is that?"
Randy,"That's a that's a, that's a new sound."
Stephen,Oh God look!
Sharon,Those aren't guinea pigs.
Stephen,Get off the roof!
Randy,"Go! Go go go go go!  Oho, Oh God, we're going down the stairs now. Okay, getting downstairs."
An Anchorman,And we are now getting word of giant bees. The giant bees have been seen in the U.S. and Europe.
Randy,Oh no! Oho oho.
Townsman,"Get away, there's bees everywhere!  There's another one right there!"
Townsman 2,It stung me! It stung me!
Randy,"Whoa, that startled me! That was really startling!"
Kyle,Um I think we're just heading deeper into the mountains.
Cartman,"Yeah, maybe we should start heading that way."
Kenny,(I think we're fucked!)
Kyle,"Hey, hey, look at this."
Cartman,What is it?
Kyle,I don't know. It's old.
Stan,Let's see what's in there.
Craig,"""Let's see what's in there."" That's why you guys get into these situations. Because when you come across a spooky, ancient ruin, you say ""Let's see what's in there."""
Stan,"It might be a way out, Craig!"
Cartman,"Yeah, Mr. Complainy Pants!"
Kyle,"Whoa, I don't think anyone's been in here for centuries"
Kenny,(Yeah. Totally.)
Stan,"You guys, look at this.  It's a wall of ancient drawings."
Kyle,"Dude, it's a Peruvian flute band."
Stan,"I know, a-and look."
Cartman,Looks like the... pan flute music is driving away giant... guinea pigs?
Kyle,"Oh no way! Look!  The pan flute band's put in prison, just like what happened."
Stan,And then the guinea pigs killing people.  And then...
Cartman,"Dude, it's Craig!"
Craig,What?
Kyle,That is Craig.
Stan,"Dude, Craig, what's goin' on?"
Craig,I have no idea.
Cartman,"Well do you mind tellin' us what you're doing on an ancient Incan wall, Craig?"
Craig,I don't know.
Top Official,There is now word of huge beehives forming in cities across the U.S. and Canada. Europe and China are reporting deaths by guinea pigs in the tens of thousands.
Michael Chertoff,And how are the efforts to contain all this going?
Official 3,"It's bad, sir. It seems we have no way of stopping it; we've lost complete control."
Top Official,"Uh, sir?"
Michael Chertoff,"Ah I'm sorry, I just thought of a funny joke."
Official 1,"Oh, a-hah."
Michael Chertoff,"All right, get the jets ready. I need to get to Machu Picchu."
Soldier,"Uh, Machu Picchu, sir?"
Michael Chertoff,"Yes, I need to be taken to Machu Picchu! Have you lost your hearing?!"
Official 1,"But S-sir, what could possibly be at Machu Picchu to help the-"
Michael Chertoff,Am I in charge or not?!
Randy,We're in the  grocery store now. Some of the survivors here uh.
Sharon,Can we get out through the highway?
Soldier 5,The highway is unreachable; there's guinea rats all over it.
Mr. Garrison,Guinea rats?
Randy,I'm so startled.
Mr. Garrison,"What do you mean ""guinea rats""?"
Soldier 5,"Look, there are guinea pigs, but there's also guinea bees, guinea rats. I've even seen some guinea spiders out there."
Sharon,"Randy, will you stop doing that?!"
Stephen,"Look, I I need we need to find a way out under the city."
Mr. Garrison,In the sewers? Can't be safe down there.
Randy,"Oh God, what are we gonna dooo?"
A Woman,Oh my God!
Townsman 3,Something's inside the store!
Townsman 4,Guinea rabbits! They're inside!
Townsman 5,God they're everywhere!
Townsman 6,Help me!  Help... me...
Townswoman 1,Travis! No!
Randy,You can't help him!
Stephen,There's something over there!
Townsman 7,It's a guinea bear!
Randy,"No, it's a guinea mouse, stupid!"
Townswoman 2,Kill me!
Sharon,"Randy, the storeroom, we've gotta get to the storeroom!"
Shelly,"Mom, I can't see."
Randy,"It's okay, Shelly. Daddy's gonna turn on night vision.  There. There. Okay. Gaaah!"
Sharon,What what what what?
Randy,"Nothing, sorry. I just startled myself. Gaaah!"
Stan,"Let's head over this way, guys."
Kyle,Hear that? It sounds like water.
Cartman,"Yeah, it's coming from up there."
Stan,Wow.
Cartman,"Dude, that's awesome."
Stan,"All right, let's go."
Craig,No.
Stan,"Wait, whattaya mean no?"
Craig,I'm not following you guys any more.
Stan,"Dude, we we have to go check this out."
Craig,Why?
Stan,"'Cause just, that, that's just the way it is."
Craig,"Every time bad things happen, you guys end up putting yourselves deeper into the middle of it, because ""that's just the way it is."""
Stan,"Hey, we aren't the ones on an ancient temple prophecy wall, buttwipe!"
Craig,I don't care. I've decided that I'm done. I am choosing not to be a part of this anymore.
Kyle,How do you do that?
Craig,It's easy. Watch.
Stan,"Craig, dude, wait up."
Cartman,"Dude, Craig, we should go back now."
Craig,No.
Stan,"Hey look, there's something here."
Craig,...Nope.
Cartman,"Dude, this is boring. This is just a bunch of walking around."
Craig,"Yup, nice and boring. Just the way I like it."
Randy,"It's been three days now since the guinea pigs and the guinea bees attacked. Guinea rabbits are still everywhere, along with a few guinea panthers. We've taken shelter at the Outback Steakhouse. There's Sharon and Shelly. Say ""hey"" guys."
Shelly,What is that? What is that?
Randy,"I'm gon-, I'm gonna take a look outside!"
Randy,What is it?
Husband,It's a Guineasaurus Rex!
Shelly,Oh my Gohhhd!
Randy,"Oh no, I'm way too startled!"
Sharon,Look!
Randy,"Jesus, they can't kill it!  What do you think about the Guineasaurus Rex, Shelly?  Oh that's good. There, there's Shelly with the Guineasaurus Rex in the background. Give, give a little peace sign, Shelly.  Oh I know, hold out your palm so it looks like you're holding the Guineasaurus Rex. Shelly?"
Sharon,Randy?! I have had it! You are putting down that God damned camera!
Randy,"Sharon, you're gonna be really glad we have all this footage of the family someday."
Michael Chertoff,Wait here a minute.  Behold! I am standing on your precious land! I've waited a long time for this!
Soldier 6,What's he doing?
Michael Chertoff,What of your prophecy now?! Nothing can stop me!  Craiiig!  No! How did you get here?!
Cartman,"Hey, it's that asshole who sent us to the jungle with nobody to pick us up!"
Soldier 6,"Sir, ih-is everything all right?"
Michael Chertoff,Shoot them!
Soldier 7,Shoot them?
Michael Chertoff,They're a Peruvian band that escaped. We must keep them contained.
Stan,"No no, listen to me. The Peruvian flute bands were keeping the guinea creatures away. Whatever is happening to the world is happening because you guys got rid of all the flute bands."
Michael Chertoff,I said shoot them!
Kyle,Go look! It's all an ancient Incan prophecy.
Top Official,"Maybe we should look at it, sir."
Michael Chertoff,"Damn you Craiiig! You just don't ever stop, do you?!"
Craig,I didn't say anything.
Michael Chertoff,"You see, for thousands of years horrid creatures have lived in the Guinea Valley of Peru. The Incas learned how to keep the creatures at bay: by playing pan flute music. Guinea creatures hate it even more than humans do. But the prophecy foretold that one day the creatures would be unleashed and I have made that happen! The Incas predicted the world would be saved... by Craig. But that part of the prophecy will not come true! For you will all die on this mountain!"
Top Official,"You're, you're some kind of monster."
Michael Chertoff,"Oh, I'm much more than that. Guinea bees, guinea rabbits, guineasaurus rexes, I am something much more evil!  Arrrgh."
Top Official,Guinea pirate!
Stan,Jesus Christ!
Craig,"Sir, I promise you, I'm not going to ruin your plans. I'll just walk away. See?"
Michael Chertoff,"Dargh, no!"
Craig,"Okay, now there's sparks shooting out of my eyes."
Michael Chertoff,"Argh, curse ye, Craig. Dar, argh."
Craig,"My name is Craig Tucker. Last week I stopped a guinea pirate from taking over the earth. All the Peruvian flute bands were released,  and drove the guinea creatures back to the Andes mountains.  Many people had died, but mankind had prevailed.  All over the world, survivors were found, living witnesses to the horror that had been seen."
Randy,"Here here, look, look!  What the?  Oh- ohhh I didn't have a tape in it."
Craig,"The guinea pirate lived, but was taken to prison to live out the rest of his days.  And people all over the world learned to support their local Peruvian flute bands, and buy their CDs. For they protect us from the guinea creatures. As for me, I was returned home by Homeland Security.  My parents were sooo happy.  I realized that we don't always have control over what happens to us.  We are but players on the stage of life. And I also learned to never listen when people come asking you for money."
Cartman,That guy's an asshole!
Kyle,"Yeah, what a dick!"
Kenny,(I fuckin' hate Craig!)
Top Official 2,"Sir! Sir, we have a problem!"
New Director,What now?!
Top Official 2,"The former director of Homeland Security, that turned out to be a guinea pig? It attacked the guards, got out of its holding cell."
New Director,"My God, are you telling me..?"
Top Official 2,Yes sir. It broke out of prison.
Obama,"If there is anyone out there tonight who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer."
Randy,Yyeeaahh!!!!  Obama!  WOOOOO! We did it! We F'in' did it!
Gerald,Yyeeaahh!!!!
Obama,"It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this date in this election at this defining moment, change has come to America."
Randy,"Yyeeaahh!!!! Yeah Obama! Chaaange! It's, it's chaaange!"
Obama,"Sasha and Malia, I love you both more than you can imagine, and you have earned the new puppy that's coming with us to the White House. We will name him ""Sparkles""."
Randy,He's so awesome!  He's so perfect and awesome!
Obama,"Where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes We Can."
Supporters,Yes we can!
Randy,Yes I can! Yes I can!
Randy,Here comes the change everybody! WOOO!
Mr. Harris,Did you see? Our man is in!
Mrs. Harris,We did it!
Mr. Adler,Everything is going to be awesome now!
Randy,This is the greatest day of our lives! Yes we can!
Linda Black,I don't even know what to do now.
Randy,I know what to do!  Losers! Looosers!
Crowd,Looosers! Looosers!
Stephen,"Oh, shut up!"
Crowd,Looosers!
Butters,We lost?
McCain,"It is natural. It's natural tonight to feel some disappointment. We fought as hard as we could, and though we fell short, the failure is mine, not yours."
Supporters,No no! Noo nooo!
Butters,"Aw, poor ol' John McCain. Well he looks real sad."
Stephen,"No. No, this can't happen! No!"
Linda,Stephen!
Stephen,"It's all over, Linda! The country as we know it is about to change. We're all dead."
Linda,"You don't know that, Stephen!"
Mr. Mackey,"With an inexperienced man as President, we do know it! He is right! Game over, man! Okay?!"
Mr. Garrison,We'll probably be dead by sunrise!
Stephen,"Butters, Daddy loves you. Just remember that... he always loved youuu..."
Randy,WOOOO Obama!
Mr. Garrison,Get out o'here!
Kyle,"Dude, have you seen my parents?"
Stan,"No, everyone is out partying in the streets. What's wrong with your brother?"
Kyle,"He was a McCain supporter.  It's okay, Ike. Obama will do fine."
Reporter 1,"Uh Mr. President, over here!"
Reporter 2,Congratulations!
Reporter 3,"Great start, great job!"
Reporter 4,Change!
Reporter 5,"Great job, Mr. President!"
Reporter 6,"Great job, Obama!"
Obama,"Thank you all for your support. If you don't mind, I'm gonna spend the rest of the evening getting some much needed rest.  Senator McCain."
McCain,President Obama.
"McCain, Obama","Boom, baby!"
Obama,Ohoh man that was perfect!
McCain,I almost thought we were gonna tie for a minute there. That would have screwed us.
Obama,"You played it perfectly, there was no way."
McCain,"It's McCain, we did it! Obama is President."
Davis,"Yeah, so I've heard. You guys are out of your freakin' minds, you know that?"
McCain,"Yes, we do. Assemble the rest of the team: we've only got ten hours."
Davis,"Sure. Hard part's over, right?"
McCain,"Actually, the hard part's just starting."
Reveler 1,Yoohoo!
Reveler 2,"Obama yeah, I can't believe it!"
Randy,O ba ma! O ba ma!
Revelers,O ba ma! O ba ma!
Randy,Cehhh-lebrate good Obama come on!  It's Obamobama!
Stan,"Yes, I'd like to make a noise complaint."
Crowd,Obama!
Randy,"Who let the Obama out?  Ohoh, police are here. OooooOOOOooo!"
Crowd,OooooOOOOooo!
Barbrady,"Okay people, time to disperse. Party's over!"
Randy,BOOOO!
Reveler,...party Obama!
Barbrady,"Come on, time to go home."
Randy,What are you? A McCain voter?
Crowd,Yeah!
Randy,"Sorry pal, but Obama's President now!  Obama! Obama!"
Crowd,Obama! Obama!
Randy,"Yeah yeah, flip the... Flip the cop car! Flip the cop car!"
Barbrady,"Ey, put down my car!"
Revelers,Yes we can!
Barbrady,"No! No! Hey, stop it!"
Stan,Jesus Christ...
Randy,"O-bama you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Obama! Hey Obama!"
Cartman,"Hey, you guys wanna buy a TV?"
Quincy,Bravo Obama and McCain. Ten years you two have been working on this plan and you've finally pulled it off!
McCain,"Guys, we've all known each other a long time, had many incredible adventures, but this is going to be our greatest feat ever."
Neely,I knew it! I knew when you two ran for President you were just working an angle.
Obama,Always workin' the angles.
McCain,"My friends, while the entire country is busy reacting to the election, we are about to pull off the greatest heist in human history."
Quincy,"So, come on, enlighten us. What are we stealing this time?"
Obama,"The Hope Diamond, rated #4 of the ten most precious diamonds in the world. Going street value, Middle-Eastern market, of course, two hundred and ten million dollars."
Davis,Two hundred ten?
McCain,Million.
Quincy,"No no no, the Hope Diamond is ungettable. Every thief in the world knows that."
Obama,"Almost ungettable. The diamond is kept in the Smithsonian Natural History Museum, long considered to be the most thief-proof structure ever built.  The Diamond Wing Is protected by impenetrable walls of two-foot wide steel. On the northeast side, a seven-five laser system.  There's simply no side of the Smithsonian that can be breached."
Davis,"So you go in from the roof, drop into it from the top."
Obama,Can't get it to from the top because a polymer shelf runs the entire expanse.
Quincy,"Okay, you can't get into the museum from any side and you can't drop in from above, so you can't get the diamond."
McCain,"Meet... the Presidential Escape Tunnel,  A two-mile long underground passage that runs from the White House to a location outside the city limits in case of an attack. The tunnel is only accessible from the Oval Office and just happens to travel right underneath the Smithsonian Natural History Museum."
"Neely, Davis","Boom, baby!"
McCain,"You get somebody into that tunnel, they can blast into the museum, let the others in, the heist is on."
Quincy,"So you both run for President because one of you has to win, and you've got your access to the tunnel."
McCain,And we run on a particularly brutal campaign so that the nation is as distracted as possible over the next... eight hours.
Quincy,This all sounds very risky.
Obama,We've spent ten years putting this plan together. If we are indeed the greatest thief club in the world-
Neely,And we are.
Obama,-we won't get caught.
Kyle,"Yes, ah I'm trying to locate my parents. M-my name is Kyle Broflovski. Yes, I know Obama won."
Stan,"Kyle, Kyle you gotta get out here."
Kyle,What?!
Stan,Your little brother has climbed out of the window. I I think he's gonna jump!
Kyle,Oh my God!
Kyle,"Ike, don't do it! There's still so much to live for!  I know you really wanted McCain to win but, but it's going to be okay.  No, that's not true, Ike. The economy could easily stabilize with Obama's plan.  Ike, don't jump! You could really hurt your ankle or something.  Really Ike, that's like five feet off the ground. Don't do it."
Ike,Good-bye.
"Stan, Kyle",NOO!
Kyle,Ike?  Oh crap Ike?
Chief of Security,"All right, everyone, I'm turning in for the night. Go to standard security, team 3."
SS Agent,"Sir! S-sir, we have a bit of a problem."
Chief of Security,What?
SS Agent,The new President-elect is here. Eh he wants into the Oval Office.
Chief of Security,Barack Obama?
SS Agent 2,"They're all, they're all right through here, sir."
Chief of Security,"Uh, hello, is there something we can do for you, Mr. Obama?"
Obama,Just checking out the new digs. How are you guys?
Chief of Security,"Good, sir."
Obama,"I'd like to see the Oval Office, please?"
Chief of Security,Right now?
Obama,"I don't waste time, gentlemen. I've only got two months to figure out how I wanna redecorate, if you know what I mean. You know, change the drapes and stuff."
Chief of Security,"Sure, right this way, Mr... President."
Obama,"I will need absolute privacy, is that understood?"
Chief of Security,Yes sir.
Obama,Thanks.
Chief of Security,I got a hundred dollars.
Obama,"All right, McCain. I'm in."
McCain,"Nicely done, B. We're in position outside the Smithsonian.  You find the escape tunnel?"
Obama,I'm already on it.  Boom baby.
Reveler 3,Yehhheheah!
Randy,"Wooo, change."
Reveler 4,Change.
Reveler 5,Change.
Stan,"Dad Dad, we have a problem."
Randy,Not anymore we don't; everything's different now.
Stan,"No, Dad, we gotta take Kyle's brother to the hospital."
Randy,"We don't have to take... crap... from the fit- rich, fat cats anymore."
Stan,"Dude, he's wasted."
Randy,"Hey, it's my boss. Hey boss!"
Randy's Boss,"Oh, hello Marsh."
Randy,"Yeah, you know what? Fuck you!"
Randy's Boss,Huh?
Randy,"You heard me, you fuckin' piece of shit! I can finally tell you what I think o'you, fuckin' asshole!"
Stan,"Dad, what are you doing?!"
Randy,"It's okay, Stan, everything's changed. I don't need this stupid fuckin' job anymore! You lil fucking assfuck, piece of shit  You know what Obama said? Yes we can!"
Randy's Boss,"Hey, I voted for Obama."
Randy,Obama's not talkin' about you!
Kyle,Can someone help us? My little brother fell out of a window.
Palin,I just wanna say to everyone who's a little disappointed that we lost the election that there's always next year. Maybe I'll run again for Vice President again in 2009.
Reporter 1,"Uh Mrs. Palin, have you seen or heard from John McCain?"
Palin,"Uh, uh, nnno, I don't really know where he went. Kinda seems a little odd, I guess, but  Oh, my phone's going ringy. Ex-cuse me.  Hello?"
McCain,"Hello Sarah, it's McCain."
Palin,I hope to God you're calling to tell me you're in position below the vault with the L7 charges.
Obama,"I'm in the tunnel now, Sarah. I should be almost below the museum."
Palin,Just make sure you don't blow the transformers along with the tunnel because it will trigger the five-four laser system! And don't damage any coupling wires or it'll be worthless when Gary shuts down the grid. I'll be there in thirty.
Obama,God she's awesome.
Palin,"Oh, I guess Senator McCain's gonna fly me back to Alaska now. He's got a private jet, you know? Okay, byebye then.  Bloody idiots."
McCain,"All right, here we go."
Guard 1,What's that noise?
Guard 2,"It's okay, just some construction outside."
Obama,Oh no.  McCain? We've got a problem.
Kyle,"Hang in there, Ike. We're gonna get you help."
Stan,"Hey, there's some people."
Stephen,Let's just stay back- STAY BACK! We don't have any more room in the Ark.
Supporter 1,You have to let us in! You know the country's doomed!
Woman Supporter 1,Who are you to turn us away?!
Stephen,I built this bunker in case McCain lost! There isn't enough room for everyone!
Kyle,"Hey, excuse me, but we need some help."
Stephen,"I know you do, but there's no more room, I tell ya!"
Supporter 2,You're going to deny them too?
Supporter 1,"For God's sake, man, they're children!  Look them in the eyes and tell them you won't take them in!  Look at their little cheeks!"
Stan,"Let go of my face, asshole!"
Stephen,"All right, damn you! The children can come in!"
Kyle,"No, we don't want to enter any of your stupid shelter!"
Supporter 3,"Okay, then I want their place."
Supporter 4,Me too.
Kyle,We NEED a ride to the hospital!
Supporter 1,THERE ISN'T GONNA BE A HOSPITAL! DON'T YOU GET IT?!
Woman Supporter 2,Let us in now!
Mr. Garrison,"Whoa, Jesus, it's already happening. Society's breaking down!"
Supporter 5,Obama hasn't been elected four hours and already the country's going to hell!
Chief of Security,"Mr. Obama?  Sir?  All right, give me the keys."
Obama,"Is there a problem, gentlemen?"
Chief of Security,"Uh, no. No, sir. Everything okay in there?"
Obama,"Why wouldn't it be? I'm sorry, but I asked to be left alone?"
Chief of Security,"Yes, sir, it's, just that... your wife is here."
Obama,My wife?
Michelle,"Barack, everyone's been looking for you. What on earth are you doing?"
Obama,"Uh, c-c-come on in, darling.  Thank, thank you boys."
Michelle,"Okay Barack, tell me what's going on?"
Obama,"Michelle, there's something I need to tell you."
Michelle,"What is it?  Barack, what is it?!"
Obama,The laser system guarding the diamond was replaced by an optical relay three days ago.
Michelle,You gotta be kiddin' me. So the entire diamond vault is inaccessible?! Is McCain online?
McCain,"Hi, Michelle."
Michelle,You guys weren't runnin' update checks on the security logs?!
McCain,"Michelle, we need you to do a different scan hack through the vault relay."
Michelle,"On a new system, in an hour?! Are you nuts? My job was to pretend to be married to this bozo and get you three scan hacks into a laser system!"
Palin,"Michelle, it's Sarah. They did replace the laser system, but the new one isn't brand-new. It's an old H-7 series. You can break this baby in 30 minutes."
Michelle,Egh. Tell Davis to get me a fortrans emitter and enough pulse drives to light a spark.
Obama,"Did you catch that, Davis?"
Davis,I'm on it.
Kyle,"We made it, Ike. You're going to be okay."
Nurse,"There, just take a seat over there."
Kyle,"E-excuse me, my little brother needs medical attention."
Nurse,Was he an Obama supporter or a McCain supporter?
Stan,Why does that matter?
Nurse,Because then I'll know if he partied too hard or if he tried to kill himself.
Kyle,"Ma'am, please, I think my little brother needs immediate help."
Nurse,"You don't understand, kid: there's only two doctors on call, and Dr. Wilson is out celebrating in the streets somewhere."
Stan,So where's the other doctor?
Randy,"Hey, come on people. We can keep partying, can't we? Yes we can! Come on, let's sing. O-bama. Well you came and you gave without taking.  And I sent you away, O-bama. When you kissed me and stopped me from shakin'."
Michelle,I've almost got it. You're only going to have five minutes. Do you understand?
Obama,Did you really not like pretending to be married?
Michelle,"Oh Jesus, now is not the time, B."
Obama,Come on. You have to admit we had some fun.
Michelle,"My girls need somebody better than a world-class diamond thief. Woowait, there! I got it."
Obama,"All right, everyone. We're about to go. So here's the revised schedule: 4:40 a.m., the team gathers at the northwest exit of the museum.  4:45 a.m., Michelle hacks the optical relay, allowing me access to the rear doors."
Michelle,Go!
Obama,"4:46, from inside I can open the doors and let in the rest of the crew.  5:10 a.m., at the Department of Power Quincy shuts down the grid, disabling power to the vault room. 5:12, my grandmother who faked her death on Monday calls in a bomb threat to the museum."
Grandma Obama,"I said I put a bomb in your building, bitch."
Obama,"5:13, the guards open the southwest door, checking the museum for any bombs.  5:14, McCain, dressed as a football player, enters security and shuts off the diamond case alarm."
A Guard,Hey you! Stop!
Obama,"Michelle and I head back into the tunnel and the hole is patched.  5:15 a.m., I walk out of the Oval Office with the diamond securely hidden in my anus."
Obama,All done. Thanks.
All,"Boom, baby!"
Quincy,There's just one thing: don't you think people are going to be suspicious when you disappear? Go looking for you?
Obama,We hired a guy for that a couple of months ago.
Kyle,What the hell?  Ike?
Ike,"Boom, baby."
Flight Attendant,"Here are all the tickets for your group, Mr. Sanchez."
McCain,Thank you very much.
Quincy,"Well friends, let us depart."
Obama,"Hey uh, you guys go ahead. I just came to say goodbye."
Neely,Wha?
Obama,"I decided to hang it up, maybe give this President thing a shot."
McCain,"B, you can't be serious."
Quincy,"Besides, you died in a jet in the Rocky Mountains, remember?"
Obama,"Could have been I didn't make that flight.  What do you say, Michelle? Would you and your girls like to move into the White House with me? You know, settle down, just be President and First Lady for a while."
Michelle,You're serious.
Obama,Who knows? Maybe we could change a few things. What do you say?
Michelle,"Aww, what the fuck."
McCain,I just looove happy endings.
Stephen,"It's still here, ih... it's all still here."
Mr. Garrison,Does that mean... maybe we overreacted?
Stephen,"No, no, I wouldn't say that. It's just maybe... well, uh... maybe Obama will be all right."
Randy,"Uhh...  Oh ow.  Hey, where are my pants?  Where's our TV?! Where are my pants and where's my TV?!"
Stan,"Dad, your boss called. He said you're fired."
Randy,"Oh!  Ugh, God damn it! Obama said things would be different! That sonofabitch lied to us! I knew I should have voted for McCain!"
Cartman,"Hahahahaha, look at Kenny's lunch, a baloney sandwich and water! Hahaha, Goddamn your family's poor, dude."
Butters,"Hey, you fellas wanna go see High School Musical 3 tonight? Bunch of kids from school are gonna see it again."
Kyle,What's High School Musical 3?
Clyde,"You know, the sequel to High School Musical 1 and 2."
Stan,What's High School Musical 1 and 2?
Cartman,There's not- there's not even condiments on his baloney sandwich!
Jason,"What's High School Musical 1 and... Dude, it's only the most popular thing with kids in our age group!"
Jimmy,Yeah. Where the hell have you guys ...been?
Craig,Peru.
Bebe,"And then I saw High School Musical 3 again on Friday, and guess who was there? Bridon Gueermo."
Millie,Bridon Gueermo? Oh he's such a dream!
Red,"I'd give anything to be with Bridon Gueermo, but he'd never go for me. I'm nobody."
Wendy,"That's not true, Red. Everyone has something that makes them unique. Everyone is special in their own way.Move to the beat and let your spirit out!"
Bebe,"As long as we've got each other, we'll never have any trouble."
Girls' Table,"That's what bein' friends is about.(Oh ye-ah)Everyone is special in their own way, and we'll always be together as one."
Cartman,What the hell are they doing?
Girls' Table,- Together as one -
Stan,I have no idea.
Girls' Table,"As long as we stick together, together we'll stay.And every kid in school is special in their own way."
Cartman,"Dude, girls are such fags."
Kids,"Oh yeah, oh yeah!"
Boys,Boys... are special in their own way.
Girls,Girls... are special like a birthday.
Kids,We'll always be dancin' and singin' aloud. Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh!
Heidi,Here he comes.
A Boy,"I like havin' fun in the hot summer sun (wooo!)An' groovin' to the beat when my homework is all done. (yeah!)If you ask me what I know, then you know what I will say?That every single body is special in their own way."
Stan,Who the hell is that?
Butters,"Why, that's Bridon Gueermo. He's just a third grader, but he can sing and dance better than anybody."
Bebe,He's already seen High School Musical 3 over a hundred times.
Kids,Everyone is special in their own way
Bridon,Special in their own way!
Kids,Move to the beat and let your spirit out!
Bridon,Let it out! Party people!
Kids,"As long as we have each other, we'll never have any trouble.That's what bein' friends is about."
Kyle,Are we the only ones here who are completely confused?
Stan,"Yeah, I guess we'd better check that movie out..."
Singers,"You've gotta go with the status quo. If you wanna be a regular Joe. (come on now)And your dreams are only a beat away; don't let 'em tell you no. (tell you no-o-o)You've gotta go with the status quo. Keep singing 'bout the status quo (keep singing 'bout the status)That's the place we know (get down now)We're all in our high school dancing on tables singing 'bout what we know (singing 'bout what we know)We've gotta go with the status quo, go with the status quo. (go with the status)Go with the status quo (go with the status quo). That's where we should go. (Go there now)Copies of pop songs packaged by Disney and turned into a show (into a show).That's the status quo! That's the status quo (That's the status quo) That's the status quohh!That's the place we know (get down now)We're all in our high school dancing on tables singing 'bout what we know (singing 'bout what we know)We've gotta go with the status quo, go with the status quo. (go with the status)Go with the status-"
Cartman,"This... is cool? This... is cool. We are really gettin' old, you guys."
Stan,Says this DVD sold more copies than any DVD ever made.
Kyle,They just released part 3 in theaters and it made 80 million opening weekend.
Cartman,"Well, I'm out guys.  If this is what's cool now, I think I'm done. I no longer have any connection to this world. I'm gonna go home and kill myself. Goodbye, friends."
Stan,"I don't care how popular being like these kids becomes, I'm not doing it."
Kyle,I'm not doing it either. Kenny?
Kenny,(No way in hell I'm doing it.)
Stan,"All right, do we promise? We have to swear to each other right now we'll never become this."
Kyle,I swear
Kenny,(I swear too.)
Stan,"Okay, good."
Cartman,Ehhhhhhh.
Kyle,What happened? I thought you were gonna kill yourself.
Cartman,I tried. Went to sleep in my mom's car in the garage with the engine turned on.
Stan,But you didn't die?
Cartman,"...Freakin' hybrids, man. They just don't do the trick anymore."
Mr. Garrison,"All right, kids in seats, kids in seats.  Today we are going to discuss the Berlin Wall.  This was a wall in Germany that actually separated the Communist east side and the Democratic west side."
Wendy,"East side, west side, whatever side that you're on."
Bebe,As long as we care about each other we can still have some fun.
Kyle,Aw man.
Class,Don't sweat what you might get by assuming the other side as a threat
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, you kids."
Class,"Each side is right or wrong, we've gotta learn to all get along."
Bridon,"East side, west side, doesn't matter to me.We've gotta learn to power through, set each other free."
Wendy,We don't care what other people wear or the way they like to style their hair.
"Bridon, Wendy","Each side is right or wrong, we've gotta learn to all get along."
Class,"East siiide, west siiide, east siiide..."
Cartman,God this sucks!
Jimmy,"Do you feel like maybe you're l-l-losin' her, S-Stan?"
Stan,I don't know. There's nothin' I can do about it anyway.
Jimmy,"M-Maybe you should just talk to her. You know, a little conversation. Tell her... what you feel. Sometimes you feel like there's a b-burnin' inside you, like a-"
Stan,Stop.
Jimmy,All righty then.
Stan,"Uh, Wendy?"
Wendy,Hey Stan.
Stan,"Look, I just want you to know, if you want to, you know, be with that Bridon kid, then you should."
Wendy,What?
Stan,"I mean, I see the way you two are together and I don't wanna be in your way."
Wendy,"Stan, that's ridiculous."
Stan,It is?
Wendy,I would never leave you for Bridon.
Stan,Really?
Wendy,No way. That's be stupid. I wouldn't have a chance with Bridon; he can be with any girl he wants.
Jimmy,"There you go. Feel better, p-pal?"
Stan,"What am I supposed to do? Can't just sit back and watch some kid steal my girlfriend away.  I mean, Wendy said she'd never leave me for him.  But what if she just doesn't wanna hurt my feelings? She said he could get any girl he wants, and that means if he wanted, he could have my girl.  This is all so crazy. I mean really, how could my day get any worse?  No-no, no, I'm not doing it! I'm not doing it!"
Kids,Awww.
Stan,"No, fuck off. I'm not doing it."
Kids,Awww.
Butters,"Awww jeez, you're no fun."
Bebe,Hey Bridon.
Bridon,Hey.
Lola,Hi Bridon
Bridon,Hi.
"Heidi, Millie",Hey Bridon.
Bridon,Hey.
Stan,"Hey, kid, over here.  Hey, uh, listen. You know this whole singing and dancing thing you do? I think you need to uh, ease off a little bit."
Bridon,Huh?
Stan,"Yeah, look, I I know you think the kids in school like you, but, actually they're all getting really annoyed."
Bridon,They are?
Stan,"Yeah. You don't know 'cause you're just a third grader, but, take it from me,  you're driving everyone crazy."
Bridon,I don't blame 'em. All that singing and dancing? I can't stand it.
Stan,You don't like doing it?
Bridon,It just isn't me. What I really wanna do is just... play basketball.
Stan,Basketball?
Bridon,I love it! Always have. I never miss a game on TV ...when my dad isn't making me rehearse. I'd love to quit singing and dancing forever and just play ball.
Stan,"Dude, you should do that! You should join the basketball team, right now!"
Bridon,I can't.
Stan,"Yes, you can. What's stopping you?"
Bridon,"It's my dad. He thinks basketball is for sissies. If I don't do what he wants, he beats me."
Stan,"No, dude, listen, you need to take a stand and tell your dad what you want!"
Bridon,Really?
Stan,"When you grow up and you're a fourth grader, you'll understand that you have to be tough and direct with your parents. Go to your dad and tell him you wanna give up singing and dancing, and join the basketball team."
Bridon,You know... you're right. I'm gonna talk to my old man tonight.
Stan,Sweet.
Mrs. Gueermo,"Sit up properly, Bridon. You know how strict your father is about posture.  All right dear, dinner's ready!"
Mr. Gueermo,"Okay, let's eat!"
Bridon,"Dad, I need to talk to you about somethin'."
Mr. Gueermo,"Ooo, that sounds emotional!  What is it son? What's on your mind? Whatever it is, you know your dad has the time."
Bridon,"No, Dad, can we just talk?"
Mr. Gueermo,"If you can talk it, you can sing it.  You can lay down the rhythm and bring it! Just put a melody to the words that you're sayin' and sing the beat-"
Bridon,"Dad, I want to join the basketball team."
Mr. Gueermo,What did you say?
Bridon,This kid at school today told me I should do what I wanna do. That's what I really wanna do.
Mr. Gueermo,Basketball? No son of mine is going to be a sweaty little jock!
Bridon,"But Dad, it's what I really want."
Mr. Gueermo,There's no singing and dancing in basketball!
Bridon,I know. That's kind of why I like it.
Mr. Gueermo,"Don't you even think about it! If I had a jock for a son, I'd be the laughingstock of the men's choir club."
Bridon,"It's my life, Dad!"
Mr. Gueermo,Don't make me slap you!  I will slap your face so super hard...  I am the man of this house! You disrespect me and you're gonna get slapped!
Mrs. Gueermo,Maybe you should let him try it.
Mr. Gueermo,"What did you say, woman?!"
Mrs. Gueermo,You aren't being fair.
Mr. Gueermo,That's it! I'm gonna slap you!
Mrs. Gueermo,"No, please."
Mr. Gueermo,I slap you!
Mrs. Gueermo,Ahh!
Mr. Gueermo,I slap you!
Mrs. Gueermo,Ohh!
Mr. Gueermo,I slap slap slap you!
Mrs. Gueermo,Dohh!
Mr. Gueermo,Slapping you slapping you silly 'cause you disrespected me.
Mrs. Gueermo,Ooohohoo.
Cartman,"You guys, I need to copy your math homework before class."
Kyle,"You're not copying my homework, you lazy turd."
Cartman,"Fuck you, Kyle!"
Kids,"And you know, we're together at school again."
Jimmy,School again.
Stan,Aww!
Kids,"With all of our friends, and you know, we'll be doing this forever."
Cartman,"Oh God, shut up!"
Kids,Together at school again. What a special day.
Cartman,Shut. Up. Shut. Up. Shut. Uuup!
Kids,We could say that neverrrrrrrrrrrGoes away.
Stan,"Hey kid, what happened?! I th-I thought you didn't wanna sing and dance anymore?!"
Bridon,"Yeah, well, my dad blew a gasket when I told him and, then he beat my mom."
Stan,"Dude, what did I tell you?! You have to be tough and stand up for yourself!  Mr. Garrett, Mr. Garrett.  This kid wants to join the basketball team. He's really good."
Mr. Garrett,Really?
Bridon,"Look, I should be getting to class."
Mr. Garrett,"Hey, we sure could use you, kid. I could never find enough kids that wanna play ball. All the kids and the school funding go to the theater department."
Stan,"You see? They need you. This is fate, kid, fate."
Bridon,I don't know...
Mr. Garrett,"Look, just come in at recess and shoot some ball with the team."
Stan,"Yeah, just go in at recess and shoot some ball with the team, God damn it!"
Bridon,Okay.
Mr. Garrett,"Aayy, that's great, Bridon."
Bridon,Thanks.
Jason,We might have a chance at winning now.
Mr. Gueermo,Bridon! What are you doing here? What are you doing here? Bupow! Bupow! Bupow!
Bridon,"Dad, I was just messin' around."
Mr. Gueermo,I drove by the school and saw kids on the playground doing a music number and you weren't there! You're here in the sports gym shooting basket hoops!
Mr. Garrett,"Eh, your kid is really good at this."
Mr. Gueermo,"Don't talk to me, stupid jock asshole!"
Mr. Garrett,"Just... go easy on him, huh?"
Mr. Gueermo,"You know what this means? It means you're about to get slapped, so you'd better shut up!"
Mr. Garrett,"If he wants to play ball, you should let him."
Mr. Gueermo,I'll do it! I'll slap the shit out of you!
Mr. Garrett,He's just a kid.
Mr. Gueermo,You don't tell me how to raise my son! I'll slap it again.
Bridon,"Dad, stop!"
Mr. Gueermo,"You're trying to turn my son into a little asshole sports person like yourself  There, there's another slap! Maybe you'll think next time you act, you-  Slap it, I'll slap it!"
Bridon,"Ow, Dad. Dad, you're hurting me."
Mr. Gueermo,"Shut up, Bridon!"
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, what's going on here, Mr. Gueermo?"
Mr. Gueermo,"Get out of my way, Mackey. You wanna piece of this?!  I'll slap everyone in this God damned school if I have to!"
Mr. Gueermo,"You are never going to play shooting hoops, do you understand?!  You are going to sing and dance and be the best at it!"
Bridon,You're hurting my arm.
Mr. Gueermo,Stupid-ass boy!
Stan,"Ah, shit."
Cartman,"Oh that's good that's good. Yeah. Shoot that guy in the face, Kyle.  Yeah, nice."
Stan,"You guys, this High School Musical thing isn't gonna go away. I think we'd better just get on board with it."
Kyle,What? Are you crazy?
Cartman,No way dude.
Kyle,"We promised each other we would never do that, remember?"
Kenny,(Yeah.)
Stan,"I know, but... I think we're really starting to become outcasts at school. We're losing all our credibility. I mean, look at who you guys are hanging out with now. Scott Malkinson, for Christ's sake."
Scott,What's so bad about hanging out with me?
Cartman,"Shut up, Scott Malkinson. ""I'm Scott Malkinson. I've got a lisp and I've got diabetes."""
Scott,"Hey, don't make fun of my diabetes!"
Cartman,"""Don't make fun of my diabetes, I'm Scott Malkinson."""
Stan,"You can rip on him, but you guys are hanging out with him. Doesn't that make you think maybe your clout at school has slipped a little?"
Kyle,"Stan, you're just jealous of that third grader and you think Wendy's gonna go for him unless you start singing and dancing too."
Kenny,(Yeah!)
Stan,"That isn't true!  Okay, that's totally true. But you guys, we are at risk of becoming the unpopular kids"
Scott,"Hey, that was supposed to be my power-up pack."
Cartman,"""That was supposed to be my power-up pack, I'm Scott Malkinson and I have diabetes."""
Mr. Gueermo,Yadada yadada yadada dadadadada High School Musical is so awesome.
Male CPS Agent,Mister... Gueermo?
Mr. Gueermo,What?
Male CPS Agent,We're from Child Protective Services.  There's some concern you might be physically abusing your child?
Mr. Gueermo,What? Who the hell's been saying that?!
Female CPS Agent,We got a phone call from a concerned student who wishes to remain anonymous.
Male CPS Agent,His name is Stan Marsh.
Mr. Gueermo,"You'd better just turn your asses around and get back in your little car, 'cause there's a world o'hurt about to come your way!"
Male CPS Agent,"Mr. Gueermo, we need to come in and have a word with your son."
Mr. Gueermo,"Oh, by all means. You got the balls to come in here?! Do it! Do it!"
Male CPS Agent,"Hello, Bridon, my name is Mr. Kelly.  We just wanted to talk to you for a few minutes if that's okay and just maybe..."
Mr. Gueermo,"Yeah! There it is! Slapped you! You probably think I'm finished, huh?!  No, there's another one!"
Female CPS Agent,Oh my God!
Mr. Gueermo,"Don't worry, bitch, I didn't forget about you!  There's a slap for you!  Slap, slap, slap!  Yeah, there you go!  Here's a little reach around the back of the head slap!"
Mrs. Gueermo,"Oh God, please, you have to get away! He won't ever stop!"
Mr. Gueermo,"Awww. I'm going slap-happy!  I'm going slap, slap happy! Slappity slappin' you, teachin' you a lesson for coming in my house!  What are you looking at, Robertson?"
Bebe,They're here! The audition results for the school musical are in!
Butters,"Hey, you got the lead, Wendy."
Clyde,Who's the male lead?
Butters,No surprise there. It's Bridon.  I get to be a stand-in!
Wendy,"Congratulations, Bridon. Guess we'll be working a lot together."
Bridon,"Yeah, great."
Stan,"God damn it!  No matter what I do, this kid just won't stop.  And now they're gonna be in a show together? Jesus, it's all over for me.  They'll probably even have a kissing scene. What did I do to deserve this? And what am I suppose to do now? Sooooomeooooone's in the kitchen with Dinah,Someone's in the kitchen, I know.Someone's in the kitchen with DinahStrummin' on the old banjo and go andFee, fie, fiddle-e-i-o.Fee, fie, fiddle-e-i-o-o-o-o.Fee, fie, fiddle-e-i-o.Strumming on the old banjo jo jo...Go tell Aunt RhodieGo tell Aunt RhodieGo tell Aunt RhodieThe old gray goose is...Happy Birthday to youHappy Birthday to..."
Mr. Gueermo,"You hear the rhythm. Now is the time, the tiiiiime. It's time to go to bed. It's time to call it a day. You can reach the stars and-"
Mrs. Gueermo,Oh please. You have to do something.
Mr. Gueermo,What are you interrupting me for?!
Mrs. Gueermo,"It's our son, he's- he's running away."
Mr. Gueermo,"What?!  What's going on here, what's this all about?  What do you think you're doing?"
Bridon,"Dad, I'm sick of you trying to always-"
Mr. Gueermo,Nono! Sing it!
Bridon,No! I'm sick of singing!
Mr. Gueermo,Can you believe it? What'd he just say? What's the matter with kids these days?
Mrs. Gueermo,Kids these days.
Mr. Gueermo,"Kids these days!  Unh unh unh! Just go right back to your room and sing a ballad, mister!"
Bridon,Just let me go.
Mr. Gueermo,"Go ahead. Make my day.  You get upstairs, or I will slap you until there's little red hand prints all over face!  Ow!  Oh my God, what was that?  Did you see that?! Oh my God it hurts so bad!  Ow. What the ""H"" is going on?!"
Kyle,"Well, I had to see it to believe it!"
Cartman,I told you guys. He's been watching High School Musical over and over again.
Stan,"Actually, this is High School Musical 2. It has a dance-along part."
Kyle,We said we wouldn't be a part of this fad and look at you!
Kenny,"(Yeah, look at yourself, dude.)"
Stan,"Look, you guys might be fine with being outcasts and hanging out with Scott Malkinson, but I'm not!"
Kyle,You know what? At least Scott Malkinson has some self-respect! At least Scott Malkinson doesn't cave into peer pressure and start doing musicals!
Stan,Scott Malkinson has a lisp and diabetes! Nobody's gonna let him do a musical!
Scott,"'At's enough, you guysth, it's not cool. Lots of kids have diabetes, and you shouldn't be-"
Cartman,"You shouldn't pick on kids with diabetes, that's not cool. I'm Scott Malkinson."
Stan,"Look, guys.  The world is changing. We can't fight it, we have to change with it. I've been watching these movies, and from the looks of it, there's gonna be a lot more singing and dancing when we get to high school.  And if you think we'll gain any respect by ignoring this thing and being individuals, then think about this: right now,  everyone thinks Butters is way cooler than any of you."
Cartman,"That's a low blow, Stan."
Mr. Mackey,"Third team foul on Westchester Bobcats, m'kay. Ball goes back over to the Cows."
Mr. Garrett,"All right, you ready to get in there, Bridon?"
Bridon,"I'm ready, coach."
Mr. Garrett,Give 'em hell!
Mr. Mackey,Just a minute to go in the first quarter.
Bebe,"Hey Bridon, how come you weren't at musical rehearsals last night?"
Bridon,I joined the basketball team. I gave up singing and dancing forever. I'm just not into it.
Wendy,You gave it up?
Stan,"That's right. You know, sometimes you have to go with what your heart tells you. There's things we're all good at. And we just can't keep them bottled up inside. 'Cause you gotta do what you wanna do.Don't let nothin' get in your way, chase your dream every day. True, girl, you know it's true,that if you really wanna be you, you've gotta do what you wanna do. He was unhappy 'cause he just wanted to play ball"
Cartman,But he finally got the courage to answer his heart's call.
Stan,"Just like me, all I ever wanted was to sing and dance.And now that I stood up for my dream I finally have the chance."
Boys,"You've gotta do what you wanna do. Even if other people don't really want you to.True, girl, you know it's true,  that the thing you wanna do is the thing that you should do."
Kyle,"Some kids think I'm strange 'cause I like studying for an examBut I don't let that bother me, because it's who I am."
Cartman,"And I like nothin' better than makin' fun of Jews.And ripping on black people, though some people think it's rude, but you gotta-"
Boys,"Do what you wanna do.Just make sure that what you're doing is what's cool and popular with everyoneChew, baby, chew and chew.When you're eating jerky, if eating jerky is what you wanna do."
Bebe,"Hey Bridon, can we watch you practice basketball?"
Bridon,"Uhh, sure."
Kyle,"Do what you want, don't have restraint."
Cartman,Don't stress about it or you just might faint.
Kenny,"(If you wanna get high and jack off, it's cool.)"
Stan,Try to do what you wanna do!
Boys,"Do what you wanna do.As long as what you wanna do is what everybody wants you to.Glue, baby, buy some glueJust in case if what you're doin'"
Stan,involves needing scissors and glue!
Scott,Hey guys. Hey guys!
Stan,Huh?
Kyle,Where did everybody go?
Scott,The girls all wanted to go watch 'at Bridon kid practice basketball.
Stan,But the girls like singing and dancing.
Scott,"No, I think the girls just like that Bridon kid, no matter what he does."
Stan,"But... No, we just... No, no wait. We just got good at this! Aw!."
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, so now the computer will show a command bar, m'kay, and we type in ""x = y + 1"". Mkay, and then it says we hit Command-Y to bring up the menu screen."
Cartman,"Oh man, you've got to be kidding me. God damn Japs are everywhere."
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, now right-click on menu item ""Equate O"" and type in ""input y""."
Kyle,"Nah, dude. Are you on America's side, Stan?"
Stan,"No, I'm on the Japanese side."
Cartman,"Oh, who just shot me?"
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, let's see, uh the right-click is the upper-right...  uhhh, but then what the hell is the...?  Okay kids, I'm gonna need to get some clarification on this. Uh, just keep entering the calculations; I'll be right back, m'kay."
Cartman,"U-hohhh dude, I wish I had a real flamethrower. It works awesome on Japs."
Butters,"Oh my God, Oh my God!  Stan! Stan, we have a big problem."
Stan,"Dude, what?"
Butters,There's vampires in the school!
Stan,What?
Butters,Vampires. I've seen them.
Stan,"Dude, aw! Who's using the flak jacket cheat?!"
Red,Not a cheat if you rank up.
Butters,"Ugh.  Kenny, there's a vampire on the loose. He and Katie Gelson was hanging out with him, and now she's a vampire too!"
Kyle,"Butters, there's no such things as vampires."
Butters,"But there is. You guys gotta believe me. First there was just a couple, but now it's like they're growing. They have fangs and drink blood and everything."
Cartman,"All right Butters, will you go document the vampires' movements so we know what their intentions are."
Butters,Really? Do you think that's best?
Cartman,"Yeah, now get out of here."
Butters,"All right!  If I don't make it back, tell my mom what happened to me."
Cartman,"Oh-hohhh, you got pwned, Bebe, you Jap bitch!"
Lead Vampire,Isn't this cool? This time of day nobody's in the gym. We should make this one of our official South Park Vampires Club hangouts.
Spiky Vampire,"That's an awesome new coat, Mike. Totally badass."
Vampir,"Don't call me Mike, my name is Vampir now."
Spiky Vampire,"Oh, that's cool."
Midnight Vampire,I'm gonna change my name to Vladimir.
Vampir,You can't; it's too close to Vampir.
Butters,12:32 p.m. Vampires meeting in the school gymnasium. Leader appears to be a fifth grader.
Sparkly Vampire,You know that girl Bella in Twilight? I think I'm like her. I'm a psi vampire. Do you like the sparkles I got?
Butters,Annie Bartlett is a psi vampire.
Vampir,"Yeah, I'm more a sanguinarian vampire in that I rely more on the life force energy, per se."
Spiky Vampire,"Hehyeah, I'm gonna be a hybrid vampire, both psi and sanguinarian."
Butters,That's Ryan Ellis. Looks like they've gotten to him too.
Bloodrayne,Lunchtime's almost over. Should we drink some more blood?
Other Vampires,Yeah! Cool!
Vampir,"Yeah, and then I think it's time for us to feed, per se."
Butters,"Oh God I think they're gonna drink blood now. They've got some kind of chalice, and they're  uhn..."
Tape,"Toot toododoo!  It's the Big Texas Butters show! And now here he is, Big Texas Butters! Why howdy there, partners. I'm Biiig Texas Butters. And this is my horse, Toast. Happy Trails, to youuu.  AAHHH."
Vampir,"Ummm, what are you doing?"
Butters,"Get back! For real, stay back! Hwa! Heah! The body of Christ compels you! The body of Christ compels you!  Hwaaaahh!"
Bloodrayne,That kid was really scared of us.
Vampir,"That's true, Bloodrayne. People are going to be frightened of us because they don't understand our ways, per se."
Spiky Vampire,"Heeyeah, we're cool, huh?"
Pete,What the hell are those kids doing?
Henrietta,Why are they all dressing like that all of a sudden?
Pete,Are they trying to be Goth?
Michael,"No, they're vamp. They wear plastic fangs and drink freaking Clamato juice."
Henrietta,But they can't dress like that. That's our style.
Midnight Vampire,"Hey, Tommy Petros is thinking he might wanna be a Vamp kid too."
Vampir,Tommy Petros? Is he cool?
Bloodrayne,"Yeah, he's cool enough."
Vampir,All right.
Pete,"So, all of a sudden you Justin and Britney wannabes think it's cool to dress like us?"
Vampir,"We dress the way our souls feel, to express the darkness, per se."
Michael,Aren't you Mike Makowski?
Vampir,That's Vampir Makowski now.
Henrietta,"You kids need to all go put your freakin' Banana Republic clothes back on, right now!"
Sparkly Vampire,"Hey, we're just as dark as you guys, maybe darker!"
Pete,Really. Do you guys even smoke?
Vampir,Of course not. Smoking's bad for you.
Other Vamps,Yeah.
Pete,Oh my Gohhd.
Vampir,"You know, you guys are really giving off a negative human energy. We prefer to take our darkness somewhere else, per se."
Pete,"All right, Count Fagula, you just do that."
Butters,"Mom, Mom, I gotta tell you somethin'! You're not gonna believe it!"
Linda,"Not now, Butters. Your father wants to have a talk with you in the kitchen. He is not happy."
Butters,"Oh no, what did I do this time?"
Linda,You just march on in there.
Butters,Oh Jeez...
Stephen,"You see this, Butters?! It's a glass of milk I poured for myself! And you see this?!  It's Hamburger Helper! Now would you mind telling me what Hamburger Helper is doing in this glass of milk?!  Why is Hamburger Helper in a glass of milk, Butters?!"
Butters,"I have no idea, sir."
Stephen,I'll tell you why!  Our pantry is always kept organized alphabetically! But somebody put the Hamburger Helper where the Nestle Quik is supposed to go!
Butters,"Uh, well I'm sorry, Dad. I- it's just that I've been really preoccupied lately. You see, there are these kids at school and they want-"
Stephen,"What keeps a family together, Butters?!"
Butters,A well-organized pantry.
Stephen,"That's right!  If you keep putting food under the wrong letter, it all goes wrong!  Now you will reorganize this entire pantry, and you will do it right!"
Butters,"Well okay, but Dad, you've gotta listen to me. Kids at school are starting to change. They've been acting-"
Stephen,You do it right now or you're going to be grounded! You got that?!
Butters,Yes sir.  Jeez. Nobody will even listen to me. It's like nobody even cares if there's vampires at the school. I try to help and all I ever do is get hollered at. I bet vampires never get hollered at. Vampires just get to do whatever they want.
Vampir,"...All mortals share a soft repose,My soul doth dreadful vigils keep,More keen than which hell scarcely knows."
Sparkly Vampire,What is that kid doing?
Butters,"Oh Jesus, oh God, Butters, what are you doing?  I- I'm Butters."
Vampir,So?
Butters,"O creatures of the night, I seek audience to engage with thee in unholy darnation and thus do... a-a-and thus do unto your bidding!"
Vampir,What?
Butters,"Oh, uh... I wanna be a vampire."
Cowlick Vampire,You're not cool enough to be one of us.
Butters,"Yeah, I know, but uhhh, I think I would make a really good vampire if you just, well, just give me the opportunity."
Vampir,We'll think about it. Go get us some sodas out of the pop machine in the commons.
Butters,"Yes! Yes, anything else?"
Midnight Vampire,I want some Cheetos.
Butters,"Soda and Cheetos, yes. I'll be right back."
Singer,I'm not part of your society. I don't follow your fads and rules. Doctrines...
Boy 1,Where did it go? Do you see where it went?
Boy 2,"Yeah, it's right over there by those vampire kids."
Pete,"What? Hey. Hey! We aren't vampire kids, we're freakin' Goths!"
Boy 1,"Whatever, Dracula, why don't you turn into a bat or something?"
Michael,So lame. So... Lame...
Henrietta,"You guys, I do not wanna be grouped in with douchey, little vampire kids."
Michael,Sooo lame!
Little Vamp,See? Isn't it cool back here? It's all dark and isolated.
Shades Vamp,This would be a great place for a Vampire meeting.
Henrietta,"Get out of our space, you little twerps!"
Pete,More preppy straight-A students turning into vampires. What the hell is going on?
Butters,"I've done what you've asked.  A case of Dr Pepper and Cherry Twizzlers. Who are you gonna give this to? I-I mean, vampires can't eat people food."
Vampir,"You have done well. Are you ready to become one of us, per se?"
Butters,"Yeah, I guess."
Vampir,"Are you sure? Because once you're in South Park Vampire Society, you can't ever leave."
Butters,"Well I'm sick of bein'- pushed around. M-by my dad, by kids at school."
Vampir,"Then it is time for your transformation, per se. Let it begin!  This way. Prepare thyself."
Butters,Whoa.
Vampir,"And now you shall drink vampire blood, and your transformation will be complete, per se!  With this thy transformation is done."
Butters,"Oh, that tastes awful! Blagh, blagh."
Vampir,"It is finished! Welcome, Butters, to the South Park Society of Vampires."
Stephen,"There you are, Butters! Do you know what time it is?! Where have you been?!"
Linda,"Butters, what have you done to your hair?"
Stephen,"Hey! Butters, we are talking to you! Explain yourself, mister!"
Butters,"I no longer need to explain anything to you, Father!"
Linda,What on Earth?
Stephen,"That does it! You are grounded for two weeks, you got that?!"
Butters,You can't ground me! For I am neither living nor dead! How can thy ground that which is... ungroundable.
Stephen,"All right, I don't know what's gotten into you, mister, but you're gonna-  Ah!"
Linda,Butters?
Butters,"I am going to my room now! For I must slumber, per se."
Principal Victoria,"Now, kids, I understand that you are very into this ""vampire"" thing, but I don't want to see it get out of hand. You kids need to understand that your new little fad is scary to some."
Pete,...Oh my God. You've got the wrong flippin' people.
Michael,We aren't vampires.
Principal Victoria,"I know that you aren't really vampires, and I appreciate that you wanna be cool because vampires are the ""in"" thing right now, but-"
Pete,We aren't trying to be popular!
Principal Victoria,-but just make sure that this new little trend doesn't become a distraction.
Mr. Mackey,"Here's a couple more, Principal Victoria, hm'kay."
Vampir,"Oh, oh no, are we in trouble?"
Principal Victoria,I was just telling your friends about what I expect of your-
Michael,We aren't friends!
Vampir,"Don't worry, Ma'am. As I was just explaining to my new minions, vampires are actually very spiritual and deep beings, per se."
Michael,Allison Merch is a vampire kid now? This thing isn't going to stop.
Pete,Let's just face it: they bogarted our style! Everyone's gonna think we're trying to be butthole vampires now. We might as well go to the freakin' Gap and just buy normal clothes.
Pete,"Well, at least nobody can refer to us as vampire kids now."
Boy 1,It went this way?
Boy 3,"Yeah, it's over there by that fat girl, the big-nosed kid, the midget, and the kid with pock marks on his face."
Michael,"So we're back to that, are we?"
Firkle,Shit.
Pete,Let's get out of these freakin' Gap clothes.
Butters,"Sorry, Eric, but I am a vampire now, and I can no longer survive on human food. And if someone must die so that I can feed, I choose thee.  Hm, wonder which side I'm supposed to do it on, hm. Probably doesn't matter."
Cartman,Butters?  Butters?!
Butters,"I can't do it. Ah, I- I can't do it!"
Cartman,"Dude, gross, you got spit all over my neck! Mom! Butters just gave me a hickey!"
Butters,"I'm so hungry, but just, just remembering how that blood tasted before ju- blood is all clammy and tomato-y. It makes me wanna..."
Cartman,Dude!
Liane,"You all right, sweetie?"
Butters,U-huh.  Ow.
Liane,What's going on?
Cartman,"Well, Mom, apparently Butters is gay, finds me very attractive, and, confused about his sexual identity, puked up all over my floor!"
Liane,Oh dear.
Cartman,Yes.
Michael,I walked into the cafeteria today. Rebecca Miller and Philip Russ were dressed like vampires drinking Clamato juice with four kids from the football team.
Firkle,Jesus.
Pete,"It's like, there's more vampire kids every freakin' day. Why is this happening. I mean, why now?"
Michael,"Doesn't matter why. Pretty soon, the whole school is going to be an endless hive of conformist happy-go-lucky vampire wannabes."
Henrietta,It seems like that preppy Mike Makowski kid started all this. Maybe he's the way to stopping it.
Pete,Whattaya mean?
Henrietta,"I mean, what do you do when you want to change vampires back to normal? You get rid of the head vampire."
Pete,Does your mom know you took her car?
Henrietta,Do I care?
Michael,"All right, this is probably good enough."
Pete,"Yeah, pull over here."
Vampir,"(Please, what do you want?! Let me go!)"
Michael,What should we do with him?
Pete,"Well, if he's a vampire, I guess we should drive a stake through his heart."
Vampir,"(No! I'm not really a vampire! I'm not a vam-, I'm not a vampire!)"
Michael,What's that?
Vampir,(I'm not really a vampire.)
Michael,You're not really a vampire? Really? I'm so freaking shocked.
Pete,"If we get the right packaging, we can just Fedex him somewhere far way."
Michael,How about we send him to Transylvania?
Pete,"No, he'd probably see it as something to brag about someday to his little vampire buddies."
Henrietta,"If we're gonna send him somewhere, it should be the most horrible, most miserable place on Earth."
Goths,Scottsdale.
Linda,"Butters, we just got a call from Mrs. Cartman. Butters?  Unbelievable! He's locked the door."
Stephen,"Butters, this is your father! Explain why you snuck into another boy's bedroom and gave him a hickey!  Butters?! Butters, you will open this door right now!"
Butters,What have I done to myself? I should have known I wouldn't have the stomach to be a vampire. I am so hungry.
Stephen,"Butters, you have five seconds to unlock this door!  One! Two!  Uhh, Bu-Butters?"
Butters,Hey Dad.
Stephen,"AAAARH! Buh. Bu-Butters, did you get gay with one of your schoolmates tonight?!"
Butters,I have to eat! But I can't do it. I'm getting weak.
Stephen,"All right! Now you listen, and you listen good! Until you stop behaving this way, you are not going to leave this room! Do you understand?!"
Butters,Dahhh.  I know now what I have to do!  Myah!
Linda,"Stephen, what has happened to our boy?"
Stephen,"He's become something, Linda. Something that... we cannot ground."
Michael,"I just. Don't. Get it. We sent the head vampire kid to Scottsdale, but still more and more kids are dressing up like vampires."
Henrietta,He must not have been what was causing it. It must be something else.
Waitress,Hey you kids gonna order any food or just sit there and drink coffee all night again?
Henrietta,Leave us alone!
Waitress,"Bad enough I always get stuck with you Goth kids, now I got Goth kids in my entire section."
Pete,They aren't Goth! They're douchey little vampire kids!
Waitress,Looks the same to me.
Pete,I bet they aren't even drinking coffee.
Waitress,"No, they said they're too young to drink caffeine, so they're havin' orange juice."
Henrietta,Let's go over there and tell them they're not taking Village In from us too.
Pete,"Forget it! It's over, all right? There's too many of them now. We can't stop them. Let's just face it. The freakin' vampires beat us."
Butters,Maybe not.  Did you say you're trying to get rid of the vampires?  I want to help you.
Henrietta,"Get away, douchebag."
Butters,"Some legends say that if you destroy the vampires' lair, the vampires go back to being human again."
Pete,What are you talking about?
Butters,I can take you... to the place where kids are being transformed into vampires.
Pete,"Awww, Hot Topic? When did this open?"
Butters,Two weeks ago. It used to be a Banaaana Repuuubliiic.
Michael,Of course. Freaking Hot Topic. That explains everything.
Pete,How did we not figure that out? Of course a new Hot Topic must have come to town. Duh!
Henrietta,"Well, I think we all know what has to be done."
Michael,Yup.
Pete,Let's get to it.
Singer,"Burn down down, burn down Hot Topic.Don't let it steal your soul away.Burn down, burn down Hot Topic.Light the fire. Take control.Burn down, burn down Hot Topic.Don't let it take your soul.Burn down, burn down, burn down Hot Topic.And take control.Burn down... Hot Topic.Burn it down... Hot Topic."
Clerk,"Hey, what the hell are you doing?!"
Pete,You should probably get out of here.
Spiky Vamp,What the hell are they doing??
Butters,They're putting an end to it!
Clerk,AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Butters,"Mom, Dad!  I changed back!"
Stephen,What?
Butters,"Goth kids burned down the Hot Topic, and sure enough, soon as they did I tried eatin' a hot dog and it tasted good. My vampire teeth even fell out when I bit into it. I'm human again!"
Linda,"We have no idea what you're talking about, Butters, but we're glad you're home."
Stephen,That's right son. There's only one thing I care about.
Butters,"What's that, Dad?"
Stephen,"Well, would you mind telling me why there's Rice-A-Roni in my coffee?!"
Butters,Uh oh.
Stephen,"Butters, you are grounded!"
Butters,"Ahh, dangit!"
Stephen,"It worked, Linda. Our son is groundable once more."
Pete,"Fellow students. Over the past week there's been a lot of confusion, and so we have asked for this assembly to clarify the difference between Goth kids and Vampire kids. Let us make it abundantly clear: if you hate life, truly hate the sun, and need to smoke and drink coffee, you are Goth. If, however, you like dressing in black 'cause it's ""fun"", enjoy putting sparkles on your cheeks and following the occult while avoiding things that are bad for your health, then you are most likely a douchebag vampire wannabe boner. Because anybody who thinks they are actually a vampire is freaking retarded."
Michael,Fuck all of you.
Character,Line
Cartman,"Would you look at that? It's just incredible, isn't it?"
Stan,"I still can't believe it, even though it's right there in front of me."
Kyle,"Yeah, it's just so astounding."
Cartman,"Well, believe it friends. The impossible has happened.  Kenny has a girlfriend."
Craig,"Yeah, a fifth-grade girlfriend."
Kyle,This is serious. They've been going out for almost two weeks now.
Jimmy,"Well, so, w-who is she?"
Cartman,Her name's Tammy Warner. She's the only girl in school whose family is actually poorer than Kenny's. It's really kind of beautiful if you ask me.
Butters,"Hey, you guys! You guys, I think we have a big problem!"
Stan,What?
Butters,"Well, apparently Kenny has a girlfriend!"
Stan,"Yeah, dude, Tammy Warner. She's a fifth grader."
Butters,"Um, does Kenny like her?"
Kyle,"I guess so. She's, like, his first real girlfriend ever."
Butters,"Oh, no. Oh, geez!"
Cartman,"Butters, what's the problem?"
Butters,"Well, I just talked to Brad Dixon. Tammy Warner is bad news. All the fifth graders call her a slut, on account of she gave this kid Dave Darsky a B.J. in the parking lot of TGI Friday's."
Kyle,What?!
Butters,It's true! Ask anybody in fifth grade. Tammy Warner is a total slut!
Cartman,"That bitch! Kenny gave his heart to her, and she's just gonna throw it in his face!"
Jimmy,"Well, Kenny deserves to know, fellas. If you guys found out my girlfriend was a raging whore, I'd want you to t-tell me."
Stan,"All right, come on, guys."
Butters,"Hey, Jimmy, what's a B.J.?"
Girl 1,"So, anyway, I passed him a note, but then Johnny..."
Stan,"Kenny! Hey, hey, Kenny!"
Kenny,"(Oh, hi, guys.)"
Stan,"Listen, Kenny, we need to talk about your new girlfriend."
Kenny,(What about her?)
Stan,"Oh, boy."
Kyle,"Kenny, we know you really like this girl, but..."
Kenny,(But what?)
Kyle,"W-well, we've heard that she's..."
Cartman,Kenny.  Your girlfriend is a notorious whore. She even gave a kid named Dave Darsky a B.J. in the parking lot of TGI Friday's.
Kenny,(Huh?)
Cartman,"Your girlfriend's a slut, dude."
Kenny,"(Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo-hoo! Yeah, hey, yay!)"
Cartman,He took it pretty well.
Kenny,"(Hey, Tammy!)"
Tammy,"Hi, Ken. You decide what you wanna do after school?"
Kenny,"(Yeah, I was kinda thinking we could go to TGI Friday's.)"
Tammy,TGI Friday's?
Kenny,(Yep. I like the food!)
Tammy,"Yeah, okay. But...  Kenny. Listen. Uh, there's somethin' I need to talk to you about. There's a lot of rumors goin' around about me, that I agreed to give a boy a B.J.? Well, it's true.  But it was before you and I were together, and it wasn't my fault!  See, I was watchin' the Disney Channel, and that show came on with the Jonas Brothers."
Kenny,(Jonas Brothers?)
Tammy,"You know that teenage boy band? Every time I see them I get so tingly. I just completely lose control.  And then Dave Darsky showed up and took me to TGI Friday's,  and it just happened. But it was only for one second, and I had my eyes closed. I know it's terrible. Can you... can you forgive me, Ken?"
Clerk,"There you are, young man. Two tickets to the Jonas Brothers concert."
Kenny,(Thanks.)
Cartman,"The Jonas Brothers? Dude, Kenny, what the hell is wrong with you?"
Kyle,Aren't those the queermos on the Disney Channel?
Kenny,"(Yeah. Tammy said if I got her the tickets for the concert, she would give me a B.J.!)"
Stan,A B.J.?
Kyle,You want Tammy to give you a B.J.?
Kenny,"(Of course, dude!)"
Cartman,Kenny! You're gonna let a girl put her mouth on your wiener? Do you know how disgusting that is? Girls' mouths are full of germs!
Stan,"Yeah, dude, that's gross."
Kenny,(I don't care. I've gotta get some protection.)
Kyle,What kind of protection?
Kenny,"(I'd like a box of condoms, please.)"
Clerk 2,"Box of condoms. Certainly, little boy. What kind would you like?"
Kenny,"(Uhm, I'll take one of those.)"
Clerk 2,"These here? Why, certainly."
Kenny,(Cool!)
Kyle,"Kenny, aren't you a little young for this?"
Kenny,"(No, I'm not young and I want a B.J.)"
Cartman,"Just because you have condoms doesn't mean you're safe, Kenny! Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an American woman! And you're gonna let that near your penis?"
Kenny,(Yep! Woo-hoo!)
Tammy,"Go, baby! Whoooo! Kenny, you're the best for bringing me here. Isn't this awesome?"
Joe Jonas,"I'm ready to get it on.But there's no gettin' on until I'm ready.Too soon, slow down.Take it easy, oh, my girl, I need your love. Bay-bay!"
Jonas Brothers,I can't wait till the day I kiss you.Until then I have to tease you.'Cause my mom doesn't like it when I'm naughty.She'll make me clean my room if I'm naughty.
Joe,Bay-bay! I'm hot.
Nick Jonas,He's hot.
Little Girl,My 'giney tickles!
Tammy,"Oh, my God. It's that tingling again.  I love you!"
Joe,Tell me how was I to know?
Jonas Brothers,You'd take your love and go.
Joe,Was it 'cause I wanted to wait till we were married...
Jonas Brothers,To put my arm around you?
Joe,The seasons change.
Kevin Jonas,Bay-bay!
Joe,And the world goes round.
Nick,The world goes round and round and round.
Jonas Brothers,"Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna take my time.Can't wait 'til you are mine, but it might be a while. 'Cause,yeah yeah, girl, we can take it slow, so we have room to grow.And then someday we can get it on.Until then, go back to Montreal."
Joe,"'Cause I still love you, bay-bay!"
Nick,"Love you, bay-bay!"
Kevin,Bay-bay!
Tammy,"Whoooooo!  Aaah-oww!  You're so hot, Kevin! I love you, Joe!"
The Jonas Brothers,"Good night, Denver. We love you all!  We love you, Denver!  Good night!"
Tammy,"Oh, my God, I am so worked up! I just want to attack you, Kenny!"
Kenny,"(All right! Come on, let's get to the parking lot. Woo-hoo!)"
Usher,"And, uh, you too, little girl in the red."
Tammy,Huh?
Usher,"Band would like you to come backstage. You, too, little girl in the puppy T-shirt."
Tammy,"They want me to come backstage? Oh, my God!"
Kenny,"(Look, they're nothing, but...)"
Tammy,It's a dream come true!
Kenny,(Hey!)
Usher,"All right, right this way, girls."
Roadie,"Yeah, come on in everyone. The band is waiting for you.  Uh, not you."
Kenny,"(Hey, that's not fair! I got the fucking ticket!)  (Hey! What the heck!)"
Roadie 2,"The Jonas Brothers will be right out, girls."
Girl in Puppy T-shirt,Why do you think they called us back here?
Fat Girl,They must've wanna have sex with us.
Tammy,What? You think so?
Fat Girl,"Sure, they're a band. They called us back here so we can give them blowjobs."
Girl in Puppy T-shirt,"Well, I'm not doing it! Just 'cause they're rock stars doesn't mean I'll do that!"
Girl in O T-shirt,"Yeah, I'm not giving a blowjob to anybody!"
Tammy,Me neither.
Jonas Brothers,"Hey, there, girls!"
Joe,"Hey, listen, we saw you out there in the audience."
Nick,"Yeah, you were getting a little crazy out there."
Fat Girl,Let's just get to the blowjobs.
Joe,Blow what?
Kevin,"I don't know.  Look, we called you back here because we want to share our love of Christ with you"
Nick,And see if you'll wear purity rings from now on.
Tammy,Purity rings?
Joe,We all wear purity rings. It means we are going to be pure and not have sex until we're married.
Kevin,And it means we stay away from bad stuff and avoid people who swear and watch naughty TV shows.
Nick,That's just how we roll.
Kevin,Yeah.
Nick,Yeah.
Joe,"So, what do ya say, girls? You wanna be kid hipsters like us and wear purity rings too?"
The Girls,Okay.
Kevin,"And be sure to give a ring to all the kids you care about, 'cause it's the hip new way to roll."
Cartman,"Well well well, here he comes. It's BJ McKay and his best friend Bear."
Stan,So how did it go last night?
Kyle,What's that?
Kenny,(A purity ring.)
Cartman,Purity ring?
Kenny,"(Yeah, it's a purity ring.)"
Kyle,"...Well, what does that mean?"
Kenny,(It means I'm gonna be pure and not have sex until I get married.)
Stan,"Dude, you? We thought you really wanted to have a BJ before you got too old an-"
Kenny,(I did! I was really excited to get a B.J. but now I have to wear this motherfucking purity ring!)
Kyle,"Alright alright Kenny, calm down. You're too young to be getting BJs anyway. It's good you and Tammy are making a commitment to each other that isn't based on sex."
Kenny,(Yeah.)  (It isn't fair I was so close to getting a blow job and I'll never get one now - this is fucking bullshit...)
Butters,Fellas! Hey fellas! I heard that Kenny is still going out with that slut Tammy Warner.
Kyle,"Yeah, but it's okay Butters. They have purity rings now."
Butters,"Uh, what's that?"
Stan,They're rings that says they're not gonna have sex or do anything naughty anymore.
Butters,Huh... a ring that says you'll be together but not have sex... Isn't that called a wedding ring?
Jonas Brothers,"I've got a ring on my finger to remind me what I cannot do.Can't just do whatever I feel like, I've got to stay right, just and true.I can't hang out with my buddies and get into trouble, 'Cause now we're both wearing these rings for each other.But who needs sex and drugs and partying When we can cook a meal, then sit around and watch Netflix...Bay-bay!I've got a ring on my finger to remind me that I must behave.No need to chase after girls; it's a promise I can never break.I made a commitment and it is forever, So we can spend every waking minute together.And if we get bored it won't be a problem, 'Cause we can just hang out with other couples who wear these rings...Bay-bay!"
Purity Boy 1,"Yeah, we found out that once you wear purity rings, it's best to hang out with other couples that do. Got more in common. Isn't that right, Sarah?"
Purity Boy 2,"You know? What Carole and I enjoy is Grey's Anatomy. We love Grey's Anatomy, don't we, Carole?"
Purity Boy 3,"We adore Grey's Anatomy, don't we, Nancy?"
Nancy,"Adore it. Kenny and Tammy, do you watch Grey's Anatomy?"
Purity Boy 1,We look forward to it all week long.
Purity Boy 3,Sure is sweet.
Purity Boy 1,It's the most fun I've had in weeks.
Jonas Brothers,I've got a ring on my finger to remind me what I cannot do.What I cannot do.Bay... bay...Baaay...Baybay.Baybay.Baaaybaaaaay.
Director,"Aaand cut. Great video shoot, guys."
Joe,This is bullpucky!
Kevin,"Yeah, we've had it, Goshdarnit!"
Director,"Uh oh, looks like we've got a problem."
Joe,"Our decision is final! We have decided, as a band, not to wear purity rings anymore!"
Kevin,"Yeah, you tell 'em, Joe."
Disney Exec 1,"Boys, I know you're tired, but the purity rings are important to the company's image."
Joe,We don't care about the company.
Director,And you're gonna say that to the boss's face?
Kevin,"We aren', we aren't afraid of him."
Disney Exec 2,"Well, I hope you're right, because the boss is on his way here. Now."
Disney Exec 3,"Oh Jesus, he's here. The boss is here!"
Kevin,"Let's be strong, guys."
Disney Exec 3,Hello sir. How was your trip?
Mickey,"What's all this I'm hearing about not wearing the purity rings, haha?"
Director,Uh we'll just leave you alone.
Mickey,"So uh, I guess we have some issues, haha?"
Kevin,We... need to talk about something.
Mickey,"Oh boy! I just love flying all the way to Colorado to hear about your problems, haha."
Joe,"Look, we just want our concerts to be about our music, and not about purity rings."
Mickey,"Oh Gosh, fellas, let me explain this to you one more time. You have to wear the purity rings because that's how we can sell sex to little girls, haha. See, if we make the posters with little girls reaching for your junk, then you have to wear purity rings or else Disney Company looks baaad, haha."
Joe,Well we don't wanna be selling sex to little girls anymore.
Mickey,The rings stay on!
Joe,"Well, well, maybe we'll just refuse to go onstage."
Mickey,"You don't... Fucking..Talk to me. Like that, haha. You little... piece of... shit, Haha!  Get the fuck up. Get the fuck up! Haha.  Now, do we have a problem?! Haha."
Nick,"No, sir."
Kevin,"No, Mr. Mouse."
Joe,"No, Mr. Mouse."
Mickey,"Oh, that's good, 'cause I thought we had a problem for a minute there, haha.  Alright now, get out there and make me some Goddamned money! Haha."
Kyle,"Yup, he's in here."
Stan,"Dude, what the hell are you doing, Kenny?! This is the day we were supposed to throw cow turds at cars together!"
Kyle,"We've had just about enough, dude! You've been blowing us off for two weeks now! What's up?!"
Kenny,(Look at this. More DVDs.)
Cartman,Grey's Anatomy?! Kenny! What kind of douchebag garbage are you watching?!
Stan,"Come on, Kenny, this isn't you. We want you back, dude."
Cartman,"Kenny? Kenny?  Kenny?  Wanna look at Playboy?  Wanna, wanna get high sniffin' paint? Kenny?"
Stan,"You want your Grey's Anatomy back, Kenny?"
Kenny,"(Oh, Grey's Anatomy. Cool! Oh man, this is a great DVD. We're gonna have the ... sex, yeah.)"
Stan,"You guys, I think this is serious. There's something really wrong with him."
Kyle,"It's that ring. Somehow, putting on that ring has turned Kenny into a boring turd."
Cartman,"Oh my God, look at this!  Motherfucker!"
Stan,What?
Cartman,"""Jonas Brothers talk music, faith in God, and purity rings."" These Disney douche bags are the ones causing all this!"
Kyle,"Yeah, this all happened the day after he went to that concert!"
Stan,"All right, come on guys, we're not sitting back and watching our friend die!"
Kyle,"Hold tight, buddy. We're gonna find a cure for you."
Kenny,(Yeah...)
Announcer,"Live from Five News Studio in Colorado, it's Good Mornin' Denver."
Host,We are joined this morning by the Disney supergroup the Jonas Brothers. Hello boys.
Joe,Hello.
Host,"Now, tell us what you're doin' here in Denver, guys."
Joe,"Uh, we're gonna be doin' a live concert from Red Rocks tonight that will be live-broadcast on the Disney Channel."
Mickey,In 3-D. Don't forget to mention in 3-D.
Kevin,"Oh, oh-and it's gonna be in 3-D."
Host,"Now, guys, a lot has been made about your ""purity rings"". Can you tell us about those?"
Joe,"Well. Um.  We, we wear these to symbolize how pure we are and how we ...um don't approve of things that are naughty or filthy."
Mickey,"Yeah, that's good. Get a close-up on their purity rings. Close-up on the purity rings, haha."
Host,"That's wonderful, boys.  It's good that little girls can see a concert and not have it be about sex. We understand that at the concert tonight you'll be dousing girls in the audience with white foam. Is that correct?"
Nick,Uh huh.
Joe,Yeah. Uh huh.
Kevin,Yeah.
Nick,Yeah.
Host,Well can you give our audience a peek?  What do you say girls? Do you want the Jonas Brothers to douse you with their white foam?
Mickey,"Oh boy! This is TV gold, haha."
Stan,Excuse us. Excuse us.
Girl 2,"Hey, what do you think you're doing?!"
Host,"That's great stuff, boys. You like takin' the Jonas Brothers' hot foam in your faces, girls?"
Cartman,"Hey! Hey, those Jonas Brothers are assholes!"
Stan,"Yeah, their purity rings turned our friend into a douche!"
Joe,Huh?
Kyle,What the hell do you think you're doing spreading this crap to kids?!
Mickey,"Who the hell are these guys?  Are they from DreamWorks? Goddamn Eisner trying to hurt this company again, haha?"
Cartman,This whole thing is a freaking sham! I see what you're doin' now! You're tryin' to sell sex to young girls and then confuse them by  teh- ...tehhhh
Kyle,Cartman?
Mickey,"You aren't ruining my plans this time, DreamWorks, haha!"
Stan,"Dude, who the hell did that?  Hwa?"
Kyle,Dow...
Voice 1,"Fifteen minutes, that's fifteen minutes, people!"
Voice 2,Get another mic on that dronk kid.
Mickey,"They almost ruined everything, haha. How did something like this happen, haha?  Wake up. Wake up, you little prick! Haha.  Who do you work for? DreamWorks?  Answer me, haha!"
Stan,We... don't work for any-body.
Mickey,"Oh boy, I sure believe that, haha.  You just tried to ruin Disney Company's big night for your own amusement, huh?! Haha."
Cartman,The hell did you do to us?!
Mickey,SHUT UP!  Haha.
Announcer,"And now, Disney Channel presents... the Jonas Brothers 3-D concert spectacular!  Live from Red Rocks Amphitheater in Colorado!"
Male Host,Truly a night of magic as we're set for the biggest concert event of the year!
Female Host,"In about ten minutes, the Jonas Brothers are going to take the stage in what Disney is calling ""the most pure and innocent rock event of the millennia."""
Blonde Girl,"Do we put the 3-D glasses on now, da-da?"
Father,"Not yet, Katie."
Male Host,Everyone around the country is tuning in to see Disney's latest kid pop stars.
Kenny,(And not getting a blowjob...)
Male Host,We understand the Jonas Brothers are getting ready. What's going on backstage must be exciting.
Mickey,"You'd better start talkin', haha!  You'd better start talkin' right now, haha!"
Stan,We told you: we aren't working for another studio and there isn't a plan to sabotage your big night.
Kyle,We came on our own 'cause our friend's purity ring is killing him.
Mickey,"You're lying! I'll cut you up, haha!"
Joe,You see? We were right about the purity rings! A nice Christian symbol can't be used for profit gains.
Kevin,We've all angered God.
Mickey,"You think God is in control here, haha?! I am in control! I've been in control since the '50s in case you haven't noticed, haha!  You three faggots are going onstage, and  YOU three faggots aren't going to stop me! NOBODY IS RUINING THIS EVENT!! Haha. I've worked too long and too hard to have anybody  fuck this up!  Where would you be without me, Jonas Brothers? Haha. Your music sucks and you know it! Haha. It's because you make little girls' 'ginies tickle! And when little girls' 'ginies tickle, I make money! Haha. And that's because little girls are fucking stupid! Haha. And the purity rings make it okay to do whatever I want! Haha. Even the Christians are too fucking stupid to figure out I'm selling sex to their daughters! I've made billions off of Christian ignorance for decades now, haha! And do you know why?!  Because Christians are retard-ed! Haha.  They believe in a talking dead guy! Haha.  Ohhh. Haha. Hello, folks."
Audience,BOOO!!
Mickey,"Now now, take it easy, haha. Here's the Jonas Brothers."
Joe,Come on guys.
Mickey,No! Stop! Bring them back here!
Roadie,"It's over, Mr. Mouse. Everyone's tuning out."
Mickey,NO! NO GODDAMNIT! NO! SHUT UP! SHUT! UP! AAAAAAGH!
Father,That's it girls. No more Disney TV for a while.
Reporter,"Tom, the Disney Jonas Brothers 3D Television Special has failed, costing the Disney Company millions, and once again Mickey is pissed off and throwing a fit."
Mickey,"Vengeance is mine! You are all ants and I am your destroyer, haha."
Reporter,"The Disney purity ring venture will now most likely prove a marketing bust, as Mickey returns to Valhalla to slumber and feed."
Tammy,"Aw Ken, look what we've become. We're way too young to be this boring."
Kenny,(I agree. Let's put in this DVD and watch Grey's Anatomy.)
Tammy,"No! I don't want to watch Grey's Anatomy, Ken. Let's take off these rings, Ken."
Kenny,(Take off the ring? You can take off the ring??)  (Really?)
Tammy,Let's take them off and just be kids again. There'll be plenty of time to wear rings and be boring and lame when we reach our late 30s and we're boring and lame anyway.
Kenny,(Yeah. Screw this crap!)
Tammy,Oh I feel better already!
Kenny,(Me too!)
Tammy,What say you and me... go to T.G.I. Fridays?
Kenny,(Woo-hoo!!)
Father Maxi,"And so, as we commit this young child to the earth, let us all be reminded that syphilis is still a deadly disease, and it can be caught even if using protection. This young boy learned the hard way that there's no guarantee... For the world of oral sex is a world..."
Cartman,"I told him... A woman's mouth is the most germ-ridden place on earth, I said. Statistically the most unsafe place for a man to put his penis, I said."
Kyle,"Well, now we know."
Cartman,And knowing is half the battle.
Cartman,"The city isn't what it used to be. It all happened so fast. Everything went to crap. It's like... everyone's sense of morals just... disappeared. Bad economy made things worse.  The jobs started drying up. Then the stores had to shut down.  Then a black man was elected President. He was supposed to change things.  He didn't.  As more and more people turned to crime and violence the town becomes gripped in fear. Dark times. The city needs protection.  There is an animal that lives by night, searches the trashcans and cleans out the garbage.  To clean out the trashcan of society I've chosen to become more than a man.  I'm the hero this town needs. I am...  the Coon!  As the world plummets into despair the Coon fights to keep order intact."
Josh,Lisa I had a really great time tonight.
Lisa,"I did too, Josh."
Josh,Would you... mind very much if kissed you?
Lisa,Not at all.
The Coon,"A woman being raped. This is what our city has been reduced to. When the money goes, the raping starts. Women are helpless... without the Coon."
Lisa,"O-hoh, yes Josh. Yehehessss!"
The Coon,Let her go!
Josh,'Scuse me?
The Coon,You aren't raping anyone tonight!
Josh,"Oh, it's a talking squirrel.  Oh!"
Lisa,Ah!
Josh,Oh! Ow! Wugh! Oh!
The Coon,Get out of here! Get to safety!
Josh,Ugh! L-lisa! Call me! Oh! Ow!
The Coon,Another woman saved from rape. But how many more rapists are out there?
Josh,Oh that really stings.
Officer 1,"Here's that file on the Rodriguez case, detective."
Sgt. Yates,"Alright, things are pretty quiet out there, boys. Let's try to get caught up on some paperwork. Murphy I want you to-"
The Coon,"Don't let the city's peacefulness fool you, commissioner! It's too quiet."
Sgt. Yates,"Oh, not this kid again."
Officer 1,"Hey, you get out of here. Out."
The Coon,There was another rapist in the park tonight.  It's no coincidence. It must be a rapist plot and at stinks to the top.
Sgt. Yates,What?
The Coon,I think the Mayor might be involved. It's my theory she might have a lesbian lover who's holding her leash.
Sgt. Yates,"Jesus Christ,  can we get a lock on that window?  Look kid, you need to stop-"
Officer 1,He's gone.
The Coon,"No, I'm just over here now.  What do we know about the Mayor's sexual preferences?"
Sgt. Yates,"Alright, listen: you have five seconds to leave or we're gonna put you in the jail and call your parents!"
Officer 1,"Jail's full, sir."
Sgt. Yates,Whatever. Then we'll just put you in-
The Coon,Now I'm back over here.
Sgt. Yates,Just get out of here before we-!
The Coon,I'm right here now.
Sgt. Yates,"All right, stop it!"
The Coon,"Yes, I have to go now.  But in the meantime I have something that might interest you.  Make sure all your men get a look at these, detective!"
Sgt. Yates,What's in here?
Cartman,Hey guys. Good morning.  You guys... hear that another rape victim got saved by a superhero last night? They say it was the Coon.
Stan,Who's the Coon?
Cartman,"I know, right?  ""Who is the Coon?"" It's what everyone must be asking themselves. Somebody is dressing up at night and taking the law into their own hands. As for me, I certainly don't agree with the Coon's reckless ways. If you ask me, there's no room in this world for vigilantes. I believe the Coon is a menace."
Kyle,"...Yeah, and dressing up and running around at night is faggy anyway."
Cartman,"You're a fag, Kyle! Fuck you!"
Kyle,"...Dude, what?!"
Cartman,He's not a fag!
Kyle,Why do you care?
Cartman,"Oh. I uh... well I ah ah  I'm just... I'm just mad 'cause you should never use the term ""fag,"" Kyle. That's a hate word. And it's insensitive to butt pirates. Anyway, what do you think about the Coon, Stan and Kenny? Do you think he's the savior this town needs or do you think he's a dangerous vigilante?  Kenny?"
Cartman,"And of course the most common question asked is, just who is he?  Is he a hero or a menace?  While we can all admit that the Coon is obviously really cool, we should also be asking each other... ""Why does he care so much for the people of this town? Why does he sacrifice himself every night to rid our streets of crime? And does he really have the right?"" What we all need now-  Clyde? Clyde, could you wake up please? This is important.  What we all need now is PROOF... that the Coon exists. I believe that tonight from approximately 5 to 5:45 the Coon is going to be on the roof of Walgreens. I know I'll be there with my camera. And I'm sure... many of you will, too."
The Coon,"Sometimes it seems the more criminals I try to stop, the more just come out of the back alleys and dilapidated bars. The city is a dying whore. She calls out to me to save her. And I don't know if I can. But she is still my city.  And I cannot just sit and watch as innocent peole are-  Who the hell is that?  Who the hell are you?"
M,"I'm an angel keeping watch over the city at night. As violence and darkness take over the streets, I work to rid this city of crime. I'm the symbol this town needs."
The Coon,"Aw nonononono, I am the symbol this town needs!  Dude, seriously, you can't do that! Go home! I was, I was doing this first!"
M,Nuh uh.
The Coon,Yeah huh! You heard of the Coon and now you're being a copycat. Is that your name? Copycat?
M,I am Mysterion.
The Coon,"Mysterion? That's fucking retarded! You just gave yourself away, Craig! Only you would think of a name that dumb!"
Mysterion,"I might be Craig, and then again I might not be. My identity must remain a secret. You cannot know."
The Coon,Yeah? Well you cannot know my true identity either.
Mysterion,"I assume you must be Cartman, because you're fat."
The Coon,Well you're wrong! I'm not Eric Cartman and he's not fat! Care to guess again?!
Mysterion,I really don't care who you are.
The Coon,"Oh all right Kyle! Yeah, took me real long to figure it out! Only you, Kyle, would be a buzzkill, and try to steal my thunder! You don't care about stopping crime, you're just doing this... 'cause you hate me, Kyle!"
Mysterion,Kyle hates Eric Cartman. Are you saying you're Eric Cartman?
The Coon,"No, I'm no- I  I'm sayin' that... Goddammit Stan is that you? It is you, isn't it? Clyde? Clyde, you're not a superhero, I am!"
Mysterion,I cannot stand here and make idle conversation any longer. The city needs my help. There are innocents to protect.
The Coon,"NO! Dude, I'm seriously! You're being a copycat! I'll sue you!  Motherfucker!"
Cartman,"Which one of them is it? Somebody is dressing up and pretending to be a superhero! But who? Has to be one of the guys in my class, 'cause only they knew that the Coon would be on the rooftop of Walgreens.  No, stop. Can't think about that right now. Have to focus.  Tomorrow is the most important day in the Coon's life. Everything the Coon has lived and fought for comes down to tomorrow. Concentrate."
The Coon,"How is it that nobody came to Coonicon 09? This is just, this is fucking ridiculous!"
Maitre D,"Got everything you need here, sir? Okay on beverages, buffet items?"
The Coon,"Yes, it's fine!"
Maitre D,"Great. Hey, I just want to say that the Airport Hilton really appreciates your continued business."
The Coon,"What do you mean ""continued""? You don't know who I am!"
Maitre D,"Aren't you that little boy who had his ginger pride rally and his AIDS benefit here, before?"
The Coon,"No, I'm not that kid!"
Maitre D,Oh. Oh oh really? Oh my bad. I'm actually relieved. That kid was kind of a douchebag.
The Coon,You're a fucking douchebag! Get outta here!
Cartman,Hunh!
Liane,"Oh, hello sweetie. What did you do today?"
Cartman,"I got boned! That's what I did, Mom! I try to do good stuff and nobody even notices!"
Liane,"Aww, what happened, hun?"
Cartman,I can't tell you what happened 'cause it's about my super secret double life!
Anchor,Tonight an incredible story of an unknown child in South Park who has taken to the streets in an effort to fight crime.
Cartman,"Wha, what?"
Anchor,But who exactly is... Mysterion?
Cartman,What?!
Anchor,"Curious crowds in the town of South Park, Colorado.  They've brought binoculars and camera phones trying to get a shot of a mysterious superhero."
Man 1,"Uh, he was dressed mostly in black with a kind of... cloak."
Woman 1,"He jumped down from the fire escape stairs, and then he just ran off. We barely got a look at him."
Man 2,"To me it looked like Mysterion to me. Everyone who's seen Mysterion, say yeah!"
Crowd,Yeah!
Man 3,"Well I, I think he's kind of a symbol for the town, you know? A, a symbol.that everyone who's sick of crime can uh can rally behind."
Cartman,Fuckin' butthole!
Man 4,"Well if you ask me, he's a menace. There's no room for vigilantism in today's world!"
Reporter,This artist rendition of Mysterion has already generated thousands of copies.
Cartman,You gotta be kidding me!
Reporter,"As hundreds of people to try and get a glimpse of the superhero, one question remains: Who is Mysterion?"
Anchor,"If you have any idea about the true identity of Mysterion, please call the 9 News Hotline."
Cartman,AAAAAHT!!
Mysterion,"I could no longer sit by and watch as my city became a cesspool of crime.  I have lived in South Park all my life. I decided it was up to me to keep this town safe.  Nobody at school knows my double life. To them, I'm just another fourth grader. But tonight, I am Mysterion."
Sgt. Yates,"Oh, Mysterion, thank God you've come. What news do you have?"
Mysterion,There's some graffiti on the bridge again. I think those sixth grade kids are doing it. And the guy at the movie theater is harassing Mexicans again.
Officer 2,"We'll get right on it, Mysterion. Thank you. Thank you for all your help.  Godspeed, Mysterion!"
Sgt. Yates,You are a beacon of hope in an otherwise bleak and dreary world!
The Coon,"Dude, seriously? I'm gonna kick the shit out of you if you don't stop!"
Mysterion,This city needs my help. It cries for protection and I will-
"Mysterion, the Coon",Answer the call to save her.
The Coon,"That's what I'm supposed to say! I know it's you, Kyle. Just stop!"
Mysterion,"I don't have time for this.  Fireworks are illegal in Colorado, you asshole!  Hey, he's got fireworks!"
Cartman,"So, guys! Any of you do anything interesting last night?!"
Stan,Not really.
Cartman,Really?! Nobody was playing with any fireworks?!
Stan,"Dude, what the hell?"
Cartman,"Aha! Kenny! I should have known!  Why do you have a picture of Mysterion in your locker, Kenny?!  Unless you are Mysterion!"
Stan,"Dude, I have a picture of Mysterion in my locker too."
Clyde,"Yeah, so do I."
Cartman,What?! Why?
Clyde,"I don't know, it's just a cool costume."
Cartman,"It's not a cool costume! He just wears his underwear over his buttfucking pants! Now, come on, which one of you guys is it?!"
Wendy,How are you so sure Mysterion is a boy?
Cartman,Fucking bitch...
The Coon,"I had no choice.  I was at the end of my rope.  Sometimes when a superhero needs answers, he has to turn to the wretched underbelly of society."
A Voice,Hahahahahahahahaaa... Look what the cat dragged in.
The Coon,Come out where I can see you!
A Voice,"What's the matter, Coon? Nervous?"
The Coon,"I didn't want to resort to this, but he could have the answers I need."
A Voice,How utterly delightful! The heroic and mighty Coon  come to put a stop to me again.
The Coon,"Chaos. I need to keep on my toes.  I'm not here to stop you this time, Chaos! I need information."
Professor Chaos,Oh I'm sure you do. But you see I  whoop.  But you see I also know you like to beat me up.
The Coon,"I didn't call you to fight, Chaos! I came to see if you know Mysterion's identity."
Professor Chaos,"Oh I'm close. And I'll put an end to him, and all of you goody-two-shoe heroes!"
The Coon,I'm not on his side!
Professor Chaos,"Do you think I'm a fool?! All those times you stopped me from my acts of evil! All those times you tricked me into meeting you, and then ga- and then gave me titty-twisters! Not this time, Coon! I finally learned my lesson! Now, General Disarray!  Yeah-ha!"
The Coon,That's it!
Professor Chaos,O- oh careful General Disarray.
The Coon,"Agh- Stop it! You, you... butthole! Knock it off!"
Professor Chaos,"Hehyeah! We beat him, General Disarray!"
The Coon,Listen to me! I want to... help you... get rid of Mysterion!
Professor Chaos,"Let him go, General Disarray!  Why would you help us?!"
The Coon,"Because Mysterion is trying to  You fucker, that fuckin' hurt!  Because Mysterion is trying to say he's the hero this town needs! But that's my job!"
Professor Chaos,But you both fight for justice and good.
The Coon,"Yeah, but he's a fuckin' dick! I want him gone just as much as you do!"
Professor Chaos,"Very well. I will show you what we know about Mysterion's identity, but if this is some kind of setup-"
The Coon,"N- I'm the good guy, Chaos. I don't betray people."
Professor Chaos,Weh- oh yeah.
The Coon,"I didn't like having to work with this scumbag. But I knew Mysterion was out there, plotting his next move."
Mysterion,Hello Kyle.
Kyle,"Whoa, what the?"
Mysterion,Do not be afraid. I mean you no harm.
Kyle,"Hey. Hey, you're that Mysterion kid."
Mysterion,Yes. But now I believe someone is trying to learn my true identity.
Kyle,"Dude, everyone's trying to figure out who you are."
Mysterion,"I cannot be unmasked, for then I would stop being a symbol. I need help. Somebody who can do background checks for me, do some investigating."
Kyle,Who? Me? Why?
Mysterion,Because I think you are the smartest kid in class.
Professor Chaos,This way! We will now show you our secret headquarters of DOOM.
The Coon,You guys have your own storage facility?
Professor Chaos,"Actually it belongs to General Disarray's grandma, um but she lets us use it.  This is where we come up with all our evil plans. Here's our computer relays.  And this is like a, a cube of chaos that can destroy the world in one second!  And here's some of our evil minions!  We have everything we need here. Can I offer you a Coke or a Sprite or something?"
The Coon,I'll take a Sprite.
Professor Chaos,"Uhget the Coon a Sprite, General Disarray.  As you can see we too have been working hard on Mysterion's identity."
The Coon,"You have an entire wall dedicated to Mysterion? What about...? Do you, do you still have that ""Who Is The Coon?"" T-shirt I gave you?"
Professor Chaos,"Oh yeah, I think it's around here somewhere. Uh, using our photos we are tryin' to pinpoint Mysterion's identity."
The Coon,"Why is Cartman crossed out? He, he could be Mysterion."
Professor Chaos,"No, he's too fat. Based on his body type it's gotta be someone like Stan or Kyle."
The Coon,"Alright, al, alright, alright, look, Chaos. Just set up a video camera. I know how we can put an end to Mysterion once and for all."
Anchor,The clock is ticking and the citizens of South Park are gripped in fear. Two days ago an evil unknown terrorist threatened major consequences if Mysterion  does not reveal his identity.
Professor Chaos,"Mark my words, South Park! Your precious hero is now, uh, your undoing! If Mysterion does not unmask himself publicly by Wednesday night, I am going to blow up... a hospital. Blow up a hospital?  I'm not gonna blow up any hospital. Are you nuts? What?  Uh, the choice is yours, Mysterion! Unmask yourself or hundreds will die! Hahaha.  Jesus Christ."
Anchor,Since the threat was issued there has been no sign of Mysterion. Where is Mysterion?
Anchor 2,Where is Mysterion?
Professor Chaos,"Hey Coon w-we aren't actually gonna blo- blow up anything, are we?"
The Coon,"If you don't make good on your threats, Chaos, then what good are your threats?"
Professor Chaos,"But you really wanna blow up a hospital? I mean, a-aren't you a good guy?"
The Coon,"Sometimes blowing up hospitals is for the greater good, Chaos."
General Disarray,"You know, I've been thinking: if we're really evil villains, then we should betray him, and blow him up with the hospital."
The Coon,"You know, you're a little scrotum-licker dude! Why don't you shut the fuck up?!  Alright Chaos, I'm gonna get the triggers for these things at ACE Hardware. Keep an eye on this stuff!"
Professor Chaos,"Aww jeez General Disarray, this is a lot more than I ever really intended.  I mean, well I hate the world and all its beauty and happiness and all but, but blowin' up a hospital? It just seems mean.  Whoa. Oh hamburgers!"
General Disarray,AAAGH!
Professor Chaos,"Aaah, a m m Mysterion, I b-, I beg you, I mean ah, judahadahada..."
Mysterion,"Why are you doing this?! This isn't your usual MO, Chaos!"
Professor Chaos,"Whowell I b- Well I b- ah I just would jes one nigh-, and then the Coon saw it up and I wa able to, and was able to"
Professor Chaos,Waaugh!
Man 5,What is that?
Man 6,Look! Mysterion and Professor Chaos are fighting!
Man 7,"Give him hell, Mysterion!"
Woman 2,Look out Mysterion! General Disarray is behind you!
Officer 3,"Jesus Christ, we need backup out here!"
Officer 4,"I think I can get a shot at Chaos, sir."
Sgt. Yates,You think your bullets can hurt him?
Professor Chaos,"Yeah, we did it!"
Man 8,He's dead. Mysterion is dead.
Woman 3,Nooo...
Reporter,"The impossible has happened. Mysterion, beloved protector of the city, is dead. Who will save us now?"
Man 9,Wait! Look!
Officer 4,He's all right!
Cartman,"Oh my God, look everyone, it's the Coon!"
The Coon,Fear not everyone! Coon is here to save the day.
Man 10,Isn't that Bruce Vilanch?
Man 11,Be careful Bruce Vilanch! There are superhumans fighting right over there!
Professor Chaos,"Okay sorry sorry! I'm sorry! I give up! Please, I give up!"
The Coon,"Don't worry, Mysterion!  The Coon will now help you!"
Professor Chaos,"Well, wait! I thought we were workin' together.  Waaa.  Oh jeez, I think I broke a tooth."
The Coon,"That was great teamwork, Mysterion. South Park is safe. Until next time."
Mysterion,What next time?
The Coon,"Well, people are obviously so desperate to learn your identity that they'll do anything. Won't be long before the next villain comes along and threatens violence unless you take off your mask."
Mysterion,"Citizens, tonight has shown me I have no choice but to unmask myself."
Sgt. Yates,"Don't do it, Mysterion! If you show your identity we'll be forced to arrest you for being a vigilante"
The Coon,Don't you think he knows that?! But superheroes know that sometimes you have to sacrifice yourself for the greater good.
Man 12,"Don't show your face, Mysterion!"
Man 13,You have to be a symbol!
The Coon,So that the next terrorist can threaten South Park if he doesn't unmask himself?!
Mysterion,"No, it's true. As long as my identity is a mystery, this will just happen again and again. It has to end. I will show my face."
Crowd,Ohhh.
Man 14,Well I'll be.
The Coon,I knew it was you! 'Member I even said it before!
Mr. Garrison,"Wow, a kid from my class was Mysterion."
Sgt. Yates,Well I'm sorry but you're under arrest. Take the kid to jail.
The Coon,"My entire plan worked to perfection.  My work here is done.  With Mysterion out of the way the Coon can finally go back to keeping the city safe.  Once again, I alone am the symbol this town can stand behind.  Every town needs a hero.  Every town needs... a Coon."
Stan,"Do I really have to do this, Dad?"
Randy,"Stan, now more than ever you need to understand the importance of saving money."
Stan,But Grandma said I could use this money to buy whatever I want.
Teller,"Okay, next please."
Randy,"Go on, Stanley."
Teller,"How can I help you, young man?"
Stan,"I got a hundred dollar check from my grandma, and my dad said I need to put it in the bank so it can grow over the years."
Teller,"Well that's fantastic, a really smart decision, young man. We can put that check in a Money Market Mutual Fund, then we'll reinvest the earnings into foreign currency accounts with compounding interest aaand it's gone."
Stan,"Uh, what?"
Teller,It's gone. It's all gone.
Stan,What's all gone?
Teller,"The money in your account - it didn't do too well, it's gone."
Stan,What do you mean? I have I have a hundred dollars.
Teller,Not anymore you don't. POOF.
Stan,"Well, what can I do to get back my money-?"
Teller,"I'm sorry sir, but this line is for bank members only."
Stan,I just opened an account.
Teller,Do you have any money invested in this bank?
Stan,"No, you just lost it all!"
Teller,Then please stand aside for people who actually have money with us. Next please.
Stan,Hey!
Teller,"Hello Mrs. Farnicle, how are you today? Making a deposit are we? Great, we can just put that into your retirement account and make it go to work for you aaaaand it's gone."
Elderly Woman,What?
Teller,"Sorry, yeah, that's gone. Please step aside for people who actually have money with the bank. Next please."
Stan,Dad?!
Randy,Hey I'm trying to teach my son the importance of savings. You already lost his money?
Teller,"Oh, Mr. Marsh, don't worry. We can just transfer money from your account into a portfolio with your son aaand it's gone! This line is for people who have money with the bank only please step aside."
Announcer,"This, is a 9 News Special Report. RECESSION: A NATION IN PERIL"
Anchor,"An economic crisis has hit South Park and the nation like never before. Another South Park bank has closed down, leaving thousands of people in debt."
Mr. Garrison,"It's just crazy, you know? Ev-everyone's affected by it. It's like all the money just... vanished."
Stephen,It's really terrifying. We... we've got no money to pay our mortgage now. We could very easily lose our house!
Butters,"Hi, Grandma!"
Darryl Weathers,"First the money started goin', and now everyone's gettin' laid off work! They took arrr jawbs!"
Worker 1,They took our jobs!
Worker 2,Trk rrr jrrbs!
Worker 3,Tuck rjrrbs.
Worker 4,Turk rjrrrbs.
Anchor,Just how far will the economy fall? We asked economic reporter Dan Banks for his assessment.  We'll have the rest of Dan's interview tonight at 10.
Sharon,"All right everyone, eat up."
Randy,Aw Jesus Christ! Sliced hot dogs and tomato slices?!
Sharon,You said we had to be very careful with our money. I've got nothing for our food budget.
Stan,"Mom, Dad, how come there's suddenly no money?"
Randy,"I'll tell you what happened, son! See, there's a bunch o' idiots out there who weren't happy with what they had!  They wanted a bigger house and materialistic things that they didn't even need.  People with no money who got loans to buy frivolous things they had no business buying.  And these assholes just blindly started buying any stupid thing that looked appealing,  'cause they thought money was endless!  It goes back to when the government had the idea that everyone in America deserves to own a house. So we have people having a hard time paying their loans,  meaning less money coming in.  And the idiots couldn't see that by doing all this frivolous spending they were mocking the Economy. And they made the Economy very angry.  We're all feeling the Economy's vengeance because of materialistic heathens who did stupid things with their money! Do you understand, son?"
Stan,"Yeah, I think I get it."
Orator 1,And so why is our economy failing us? Because the government kept interest rates too low for too long! The government took our economy for granted and now we are all here paying the price! How long will we sit and watch our economy just-? As the people we must...
Orator 2,...An angel came to me and so I say to you: Do not listen to the Wall Street brokers! For they are the ones that put us in this situation! Fat cats with corporate greed! They are the ones who knowingly drove us down this pathway of doom! Our responsibility is...
Cartman,"And where has all the money gone? It must have gone somewhere! The answer is obvious, my friends! It is the Jews! Covetous Jews who have taken all our money and hoarded it for themselves! Hidden all the cash in some... secret Jew cave that they built, probably back in the early 60s! It is the Jews, my friends, who are oft..."
Randy,"There are different people casting all different kinds of blame from person to person. But the fault lies in all of you!  YOU, who bought that three hundred thousand house when you only had twenty thousand to put down? YOU, who bought that third car, even though only two people in your home drive! It is time to stop pointing fingers!  Finger pointing gets us nowhere, Steve! We have mocked our Economy. And now the Economy has cast its vengeance upon us all!"
Man 1,He's right.
Man 2,This is the first guy to actually make sense.
Randy,"Yea, it is an angry and unforgiving Economy. To repent we must stop frivolous spending! Instead of paying for cable let us watch clouds! Instead of buying clothes, wear but sheets from thine beds! Cut spending to only the bare essentials! Water and bread and margaritas, yea."
Clerk,"Hello young man, welcome to Sur la Tahbluh. Can I help you?"
Stan,"Yeah, I wanna return this Margaritaville my stupid dad bought."
Clerk,"Oh, that's all we get anymore, returns. Could you please just put the receipt here on this tahbluh.  Sorry, our computers are a little slow today. We need a new Ethernet cahbluh. Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I'd like to give you a refund but I'm afraid it's not doahbluh."
Stan,What?
Clerk,"I said I'm not ahbluh, sir. You see, this Margaritaville was purchased with a payment plan?"
Stan,So?
Clerk,Well an outside financing company handles those payment plans. Customers just pay for some of the machine and the finance company pays for the rest.
Stan,Well can't I just return it and get the money my dad put in back?
Clerk,"Hm... that's improbahbluh,  but not impossibluh. I'm not really sure how it works; you'll, you'll have to speak with the people at the top. I can give you the finance company's address if that... agreeahbluh with you."
Randy,"We have become lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of the Economy! There are those who will say that the Economy has forsaken us! Nay! You have forsaken the Economy!! And now you know the Economy's wrath! O thoust can shop at a sporting goods store, but knowest thou that the Economy will take away thy Broncos' cap from thine head!  Mock the Economy without fear! Thine own stockbrokers... now lie dead by their own hand and thou knowest that thy stockbrokers did not fear the Economy! Well here we are, my friends! You have brought the Economy's vengeance upon yourselves!"
Gerald,"What can we do, Randy?"
Man 3,Yes tell us.
Man 4,Tell us.
Man 5,Tell us what to do.
Man 6,"Tell us, Randy, what we should do!"
Man 7,"What should we do, Randy?!"
Randy,"We must all wear sheets instead of buying clothes that need detergent! Instead of cars that take gasoline we can... get around on llamas from Drake's farm! Instead of video games that take batteries and software, our kids will play with squirrels! We must let the Economy know that we are capable of respecting it! No more needless spending!  The Economy is our shepherd. We shall not want."
Al,Mornin' Ted.
Ted,Mornin' Al.
Kyle,Well this sucks!
Clyde,Sure was better when our parents were buyin' us stuff.
Cartman,"Hengh!  Of all the times for people to decide to stop buying things, it had to be the week that Grand Theft Auto 4 comes out for Nintendo DS!  Hengh!"
Kyle,"You want something new every week, fatass."
Cartman,"Don't you fraternize me! This is all your fault, you know!"
Kyle,My fault?
Cartman,"The Jews took all the money away, and they ha-!"
Kyle,"Don't even start! Don't even start, Cartman!"
Butters,"Well,  why are we wearin' bedsheets and playing with squirrels, Kyle?"
Kyle,"Not because of the Jews, Butters! Who told you that?"
Butters,Well Eric did.
Cartman,"Just tell us where the cave is, Kyle."
Kyle,"Now look! The reason we're in this situation is because people are being stupid! The economy isn't some vengeful being that takes things away from us. The economy is just made up of people, and people have just lost their faith in it.  What people really should be doing is spending more. Spending is fine. People should just go outside. People should just go outside. They should buy the things they need for their friends and family"
Man 8,"We best speak with the Council, and tell them.. a young Jew is speaking heresy towards the Economy."
Receptionist,Can I help you?
Stan,I wanna return this Margaritaville.
Receptionist,"O-kay, let me send you into Josh."
Josh,"Heeey, welcome to Big Orange Finance Company, yeah. Have a seat. You want some Carmex?"
Stan,"No thanks. I wanna return this Margaritaville, and the guy at Sur la Table said that you were the company that financed it."
Josh,"Oh yeah no, you know what? No, yeah."
Stan,What?
Josh,"Yeah, we can't give you your money back for that, yeah, no. You'd have to talk to the people on Wall Street, yeah, mmmm."
Stan,Wall Street?
Josh,"Yeah, no, see, what I do is find Americans who want a frozen beverage machine but can't afford one, and I hook them up with investors who want to get into the margarita bill payment plan business, yeah."
Stan,So?
Josh,"Yeah, so the problem is your Margaritaville payment plan has been combined with thousands of others into one big Margaritaville security, yeah, no. Yeah. No. Yeah..."
Stephen,"The entire town has given over to your ways, Mr. Chairman. Everyone has even stopped using electricity so as to stop paying electrical bills."
Father Maxi,"You've really done an amazing thing, Mr. Marsh. People have learned to hold on to their money so as not to feel the sting of the Economy's mighty sword."
Randy,"I am pretty smart, yea. But I have assembled this economic committee to make sure that everyone sticks to my new plan."
Skeeter,"We've got guards posted at the mall to make sure nobody gets tempted to buy dumb stuff. And, uh, Pat Sallsman is doin' house checks to make sure nobody is ordering anything stupid online."
Randy,Then perhaps soon our Economy will return to us.
Man 9,"Council, I bring news of discord! A young Jew was in the town square speaking blasphemy about the Economy!"
Randy,What?!
Man 9,He was saying that... your ideas are false and the Economy is not vengeful. He was rallying people to spend more!
Father Maxi,Spend more?! What mockery is this?!
Randy,"Relax, Father Maxi. What harm can one Jew do against our... economic recovery movement?"
Cartman,"I had a dream last night. I was in a field, and I had Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars right next to me. But then the sky went black and ...Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars just... melted in my hand."
Kyle,What's that?
Man 10,"'Scuse me, we need to borrow your squirrels."
Kyle,What?
Mr. Garrison,"Now please, please!"
Man 10,You have sinned!
Mr. Garrison,"Oh Jesus, I'm sorry. Please."
Kyle,What's going on?
Man 10,"Garrison, you have brought your filth to this town for the last time!"
Kyle,What did he do?
Man 11,Your teacher was caught buying a KitchenAid Stand Mixer at Bed Bath & Beyond!
Man 10,"Take that punishment, heathen!"
Kyle,"Hey! Hey, stop it! Stop!"
Man 10,"Move aside, kid! He must pay for his stand mixer."
Kyle,"Come on, this is ridiculous!"
Man 10,What's ridiculous about hucking squirrels at a man who has angered the Economy?!
Kyle,"Ju-just have a little compassion, huh? I mean, everyone's gone out and bought something stupid. It's not so bad. Whichever of you guys has never bought anything frivolous, go ahead and huck the next squirrel."
Mr. Garrison,Oh.
Stan,"'Scuse me. 'Scuse me! I'd like to return this Margaritaville, please?"
Stockbroker,Margaritaville?
Stan,My dad bought it on a payment plan that was set up by a finance company which got their principal investors from somebody here.
Stockbroker,"Oh, that makes sense."
Stan,It does?
Stockbroker,"You see, son, we lump thousands of these Margaritaville installment plans together into Margaritaville-based securities, then chop those securities up in a way that we could sell them to banks."
Stan,So I can return it to a bank?
Stockbroker,"Nope, because a bunch of people like you are defaulting on their Margaritavilles so the government had to buy the Margaritavilles assets from the banks."
Stan,What?!
Stockbroker,"Just talk to the Treasury Department in DC. They're the ones who really understand how all this works.  Oh, sell sell sell sell sell sell sell!"
Stan,Aargh!
Kyle,"Listen, this is all you need to know: the economy is not a supernatural all-knowing entity. The economy is just an idea, made up by people, thousands of years ago. The economy is not real. And yet, it is real. Nowadays they'll give credit to practically anyone who applies for them.  I applied for this yesterday to prove a point. It is an American Express Platinum card.  It has no spending limit.  Do not be afraid! This is only plastic. It's just something made up by people. Truly meaningless until we put our faith in it. Faith is what makes an economy exist. Without faith, it is only plastic cards and paper money."
Man 11,"By all reports, the young Jew is not letting up! He is still going around convincing people to have faith in the Economy by shopping!"
Randy,"We've done everything we can and yet the Economy has not improved. Worse, it has declined! Poor Bart here just lost his job at Little Caesar's Pizza. Our tireless work is obviously being undermined by this one Jew. Why does he go around pretending to know the true will of the Economy?"
Stephen,"Perhaps... he is the Economy's only Son, sent to save us."
Father Maxi,"Are you retarded, Stotch?! The Economy is omnipotent! Which means it can do anything! So saying it would be limited to one Son is fucking stupid!"
Randy,"That is stupid, yea. And going around telling people to shop... is dangerous!"
Man 12,"Well then, there's only one option: we have to kill the Jew."
Father Maxi,"Yep, I think we gotta kill the Jew."
Skeeter,I don't know... He's got a lot of support. It might be hard to even catch this Jew.
Cartman,"Did somebody say ""catch a Jew""? The person you're after might be hard to get, but I can bring him to you. And all I want in return... is Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars for handheld Nintendo DS."
Treasurer 1,"Uhh, how can we help you, young man?"
Stan,I want to return this Margaritaville! My dad bought it on a payment plan set up by a finance company that got investors from Wall Street who combined it into securities sold to the banks who transferred it to you!
Treasurer 1,Ohhh that makes sense.
Stan,Nnnaaargh!
Treasurer 1,No problem. We just need to consult the chart. We can determine your property's value and we'll be done.
Stan,Really?  Thank you.
Treasurer 1,Be right back.
Treasurer 2,"Excellent news, sir. We've determined the investment value of your Margaritaville to be... ninety trillion dollars."
Stan,What?!
Jimmy,"Hey, what's the matter, Kyle? You seem b-b-bu-bbbummed out."
Kyle,I just have a feeling this might be the last time we get to do this.
Butters,Well don't worry Kyle. We're not gonna let people kill you. We'll keep you hidden forever!
Kyle,"I can't just hide my whole life, Butters. And besides, I have this strange feeling that one of you is gonna totally betray me."
Cartman,"All right, whoever is thinkin' of betraying Kyle, that is not cool!  That's freaking lame, dude! Kyle is trying to get the economy goin' again! If somebody is thinking of stabbing him in the back, you're b-you're being a dick!  Go ahead, Kyle."
Kyle,"Whoever it might happen to be, I'm not giving him the opportunity. Tomorrow I'm going to do something. Something I've known I would have to do restore people's faith."
Jimmy,"Kyle please! For fu-fu for for-fu-fuck's sake, don't do anything drastic."
Kyle,"There's no choice anymore, guys. Don't worry about me. I've been preparing for this for a while now."
Stan,Nononono excuse me! I don't understand! How can this stupid thing be worth ninety trillion dollars?!
Treasurer 1,"What, you think it's worth more?"
Stan,"No, dude, that doesn't make sense!"
Treasurer 2,"Well, you don't get ninety trillion dollars, but the chart says that's what it's worth."
Treasurer 3,"Uh oh, problem! Problem again!"
Treasurer 2,What is it now?
Treasurer 3,"Another insurance company is about to go under; if they do, people could lose millions!"
Treasurer 1,"Okay, no problem.  We'd better consult the chart."
Treasurer 3,"Sirs, another insurance company is going under!"
Sir 1,Now determining most prudent move for insurance company.
Treasurer 1,Bailout!
Treasurer 3,Most prudent move is a bailout!
Sir 1,Bail out the insurance company!
Man 13,It's a miracle.
Man 14,Why would someone do this?
Randy,What is this? What's going on?
Stephen,There! Look!  It's the Jew. Somehow he got a platinum AmEx with no spending limit.
Randy,What's he doing?
Stephen,He's... paying for everyone's debts.
Darryl Weathers,"Hey thanks, kid, this is really nice of you."
Randy,But that's... impossible. Why would he do this?
Man 15,So that people will have money to spend.
Sheila,"Kyle!  Kyle, you have to stop this!"
Kyle,"It's okay, Ma."
Sheila,"No-o Kyle, you'll be in debt for the rest of your life!  Please, somebody, get him to sto-o-op!"
Randy,Uh there's about seventeen thousand dollars' worth here.
Kyle,Heunh.
Man 16,He paid for our debts so we could spend once more.
Man 17,He's dead.
Dr. Doctor,"No, he's just passed out. We should get him to bed."
Anchor,"For the first time in almost a year, the economy in South Park has taken a small, but noticeable upturn.  Stores and shopping malls are open again as newly debt-free people feel safe... to make purchases."
Randy,"Wow, the new Margaritaville!  With salsa dispenser! ""Just pour your favorite salsa in the top and it comes out the dispenser in the bottom."" Oh, we need this!"
Anchor,Are we out of the woods yet? Only time will tell. But we must not forget the sacrifice one person made to restore our faith and make us believe in the economy once again. The person we must thank every day for his amazing sacrifice.  Barack Obama.
Kyle,"Aww, come on!"
Cartman,"Oh man, I thought that day would never end."
Wendy,"Hey Stan, you wanna maybe study together after school?"
Stan,"What?! No way Wendy, today's the day!"
Wendy,What day?
Butters,The day they're showin' Part 2 of last week's Terrance and Phillip show!
Clyde,They're gonna finally reveal who Phillip farted on to get out of jail.
Red,"Oh God, that show is so dumb."
Cartman,Dumb?! Phillip farted in somebody's face super hard! But you don't know who until this week's episode!
Tweek,Eagh! This has been the longest week of my life!
Wendy,Why do boys think farts are so funny? They're juvenile and gross!
Cartman,"No! No, nono, you're right Bebe! Farts totally aren't funny."
Little Girl,Eww!
Kyle,"Come on guys, we gotta go!"
Jimmy,We're finally gonna learn the chocking truth of who Phillip f-farted on.
Cartman,Let's get to my house!!
Wendy,God they're so stupid!
Stan,Oh boy!
Butters,This is gonna be great!
Craig,I've been waiting for this all week.
Butters,Oh boy!
Cartman,"Ah ah ah, that's my seat, Craig."
Craig,"Dude, I was here first."
Cartman,"It's my Goddamned house, now get your bitch ass on the floor!"
Butters,"Well it's on, it's on, itsonitsonitson!"
Announcer,"You are watching the Canada Channel, the only channel in Canada."
Announcer 2,"Previously on Terrance & Phillip: Terrance farted on the American president, but Phillip took the heat."
Phillip,It wasn't me!
Announcer 2,"And now, the thrilling conclusion of... Terrance & Phillip: Blood Rage"
Announcer,"...will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you this Queef Sisters Special!"
Cartman,What?
Announcer 3,The Canada Channel presents... The Queef Sisters. Katherine and Katie Queef.  Two Toronto girls who love shooting air out their vaginas.  It's The Queef Sisters special on Channel Canada.
Doctor,"Alright Queef Sisters, it's time for your yearly PAP smear and vag exam."
Katie,Alright Doctor.
Katherine,"I'm ready, Doctor."
Doctor,Now I'm just going to check for cysts.  Awww!
Cartman,What the fuck is this?!
Doctor,"Now listen heauh! If you queef in my face, then I refuse to be your gynecologist!"
Katherine,"I'm sorry, doctor. I had air trapped in my vagina."
Katie,Huhuhuhu!
Doctor,Well just don't let it happen again! Now I'm going to check for cysts.  Arh!  Now stop it! That isn't funny! Babies come from there!  That's it! No PAP smear for you!
Katherine,"But doctor, what if I have cancer?"
Doctor,You should have thought of that before you queefed in my face three times!
Butters,"They, uh they aren't gonna show part 2 of the Terrance and Phillip show?"
Katie,"Doctor, my sister is just being difficult. Maybe you can just examine my cervix instead."
Doctor,"Well alright, let me check for cysts.  Nooo!  That does it, Queef Sisters! I'm not your vaginal doctor anymore!"
Katherine,"Oh Katie, I do believe we made the doctor angry."
Katie,I guess so Katherine.
Cartman,Dude! What the hell is this disgusting crap?!
Phillip,What the hell is this disgusting crap?!
Terrance,Queef Sisters?!
Network President,That's right. It's a hot new Canadian show we're trying out.
Terrance,You replaced our show with this?! But they aren't funny! All they do is queef all the time!
Phillip,That's sick!
Network President,You think farts are funny; why not queefs?
Terrance,Because babies come from there!
Network President,"Eh, look guys, women are starting to be the driving force behind the television audience! You know, women empowerment and the get-go. So we want to try to appeal to the female sensibility. Sorry guys, but if you ask me, your farts have gotten stale!"
Cartman,"No! No! As a matter of fact, I will not hold! I've been on hold for thirty-five minutes! Well we want some Goddamned answers, that's what we want! Like why did you show that smut instead of the Terrance and Phillip conclusion, you asshole?!"
Wendy,What's going on?
Stan,We're complaining to the Canada Network 'cause they put something really gross on TV!
Cartman,"You wanna tell me what's funny about two women shooting air from their vagina into a man's face?! No! No! See, some of us were eating when you showed that!"
Clyde,I threw up on my way home.
Cartman,Clyde threw up on his way home! What makes you think you can put that kind of filth on television?!
Stan,"You tell 'em, Cartman!"
Red,What happened?
Butters,They didn't show part 2 of Terrance and Phillip!  They replaced it with the Queef Sisters!
Kyle,It was just thirty minutes of two women queefing on people!
Bebe,Oh what? So farts are hysterical but queefs are gross?
Cartman,You know that little kids could have been watching that?! What kind of network are you running there in Canada?! Don't call me buddy! I'm not your buddy!
Bebe,I can't believe they're this upset.
Red,"God, they're annoying!"
Annie,I don't even know what a queef is.
Wendy,"It's when a woman blows air out her vag, Annie."
Annie,Oh.
Red,"You know that girl Samantha Dunskin, she can make herself queef whenever she wants."
Bebe,Really?
Wendy,Wait a minute. I've got an idea.
Cartman,"And to that end, by resorting to filth and garbage, the Canada Channel has thusly..."
Kyle,Robbed us of our innocence.
Cartman,"Yes, that's good."
Butters,Robbed us of our innocence...
Wendy,"Hey guys, we have a little surprise for you."
Stan,What?
Butters,"Oh God, oh my God no!"
Stephen,Butters?
Randy,"Oh my God, well how is he doing? Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure. Huh okay, well thank you for telling me, Mr. Stotch, I'll spread the word. Yoeah, you take care. Bye.  We need to cancel our plans, Sharon. There's gonna be an emergency all-parent meeting at the school tonight."
Sharon,Why? What happened?
Randy,"A girl at school, she... queefed on one of Stan's friends today."
Sharon,...So?
Randy,Hey pal. I heard about what happened at school today. You wanna talk about it?
Stan,"Butters was just sitting there, Dad. He... he didn't even know it was coming."
Randy,"I know, pal. Sometimes... bad things happen to good people. But you know Butters is still Butters, and he needs you guys right now more than anybody."
Stan,"It was so gross, Dad, I mean, what if another girl at school tries-?"
Randy,"Hey, we're getting all the parents together and we're gonna take care of this, okay? Nothing like this will ever happen again."
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, parents, some of you have already heard, but most of you have not, m'kay? We've had a terrible incident occur at the school. Apparently a young girl uh, went up to a young boy here at the school, m'kay, and queefed in his face."
Gerald,How did this happen?
Stuart,Where were the teachers?!
Mrs. Testaburger,"Whoa, whoa whoa, wait a minute. Are you saying we're all here just because a girl queefed on a boy?"
Man,Just?!
Thomas,We're here to find out why?!
Randy,"The question is, how do we send a message to other girls in the school so this doesn't happen again!"
Principal Victoria,"Now hold on a minute, I think we're being a little drastic here. You know, I probably see a boy in my office once a week for farting on a girl."
Randy,What does that have to do with anything?
Regis,Our next guests have really taken America by storm. Their hit show is being tuned in by women all over the world. Please welcome the Queef Sisters!
Katherine,Oh hello Regis.
Katie,Hello Kelly.
Regis,"So, uh, gals, ...you seem to really like queefing."
Katherine,"Well Reeg, it's like this: we think that queefing is a perfectly normal female bodily function. Why not have fun with it?"
Regis,"But I mean really, isn't queefing a bit juvenile?"
Katie,"Men enjoy farts, so why shouldn't women enjoy their queefs?"
Katherine,"That's right. We've written all about it in our new feminist book, Eat, Pray, Queef."
Kelly,Well I think that what you gals are doing for the feminist movement is amazing. And that's why women all over America stand behind you.
Regis,D'ohhh!
Network President,"Terrance and Phillip, you've put on a terrific show for many many years. You've made Canada Channel what it is today. You're fired."
Terrance & Phillip,Fired?!
Network President,"Sorry guys, but this queefing thing is really catching on.  Queef Sisters' ratings are through the roof, and to pay them what they're asking we've gotta get rid of you. Goodbye. Here's some cookies."
Terrance,"Brian, don't do this!"
Phillip,You can't let Canada Channel be soiled by that perverse garbage! You know it's sick!
Brian,"Yes, I know it's sick. To be honest, I gag every time one of them lets out a queef.  But it's money Goddammit and this channel needs it! I'm sorry, Terrance & Phillip, your show is done!"
Martha,"I always love when Spring is on the way. Such a fun and inspiring time to decorate. Just like most women out there I've really gotten into queefing lately.  It's a lot of fun and interesting ways we can decorate our queefs and just make them more dynamic for the holidays. What we're gonna do is just... cut out some paper... like... this...  and cut out little stars and little moon shapes,  and we're gonna just... jam those... up... and they have custom simple little sparkles from the hobby stores; they come in... little tube which make them very easy to just...  shoot... right up the ol'... there we are.. And of course you can feel free to add little flowers or maybe some festive Easter grass. But the point is that when we're done we can... let one rip.  See how pretty that was? It's a good thing."
Randy,What was that?
Sharon,"Oh, excuse me, I...  I, I had a little air trapped."
Randy,"Oh my God, did you just...? At the table?"
Sharon,Pardon me.
Stan,"Mom, gross!"
Randy,"Okay, that's enough, girls! Alright? I mean, how old are you, Sharon?"
Sharon,"Sorry, it's just ...it's kind of funny how much it bothers you."
Randy,"Oh yeah. Yeah, that's really funny!"
Stan,"Stop it, Mom!"
Randy,"Yeah okay? Let's just try to have a nice dinner, okay?"
Sharon,"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Randy,Sharon! Marsh!
Sharon,Ex-cuse me.
Shelly,"Hey Mom, do you like Australia? 'Cause that was the Great Barrier Queef."
Randy,"That's it, I'm leaving!"
Stan,I'm going too.
Sharon,"Oh! Oh please, Randy! How many times have you farted in bed and held my head under the covers?!"
Randy,That's completely different!
Stan,"Yeah it's different, Mom!"
Sharon,"Alright, tell me exactly where the line is. Er, okay, how about this? I have a friend Abbie. She had a baby boy and it farted."
Randy,"Heh, yeah?"
Sharon,But she was actually still pregnant with the baby boy and it farted inside her.
Randy,Yeah?
Sharon,"And then the gas from the baby's fart traveled down and shot out her vagina, haHA."
Randy,"Come on Stanley, let's go."
Sharon,"Oh! Oh, so when does that stop being funny?!"
Randy,"It stopped being funny the second that air came out her vagina, Sharon!"
Katie,"Look Katherine, I made queef cookies!"
Katherine,"But those are just ginger snaps, Katie.  Could you get that, Katie?"
Katie,"Oh my God! Look, Katherine! It's Canadian television stars Terrance & Phillip!"
Katherine,"Oh my God, they're famous!  Well hello sirs! It is such an honor to meet you! Oh Katie, I'm getting all goosebumpy and queefy."
Katie,Wooo.
Phillip,"May we come in, please?"
Katherine,"Oh certainly, though I feel we look a mess."
Terrance,Very nice place you have here. Network must be paying you well.
Katie,"Oho yes, the show is going aboat as well as it could."
Terrance,"All right, enough with the queefing! We didn't come for a social call!"
Phillip,That's right! We've come to kill you!
Katie,Why kill us? We love you.
Terrance,Because you've reduced Canada Channel to smut and toilet humor!
Katherine,"Oh. Well I suppose if we're going to die, we should die by the hands of our idols."
Terrance,Your idols?
Katherine,We grew up watching you. You meant the world to us. We used to fantasize about pleasing you in all different ways. Know that it is an honor to die by your hand.
Terrance,"I don't think I can do it, Phillip."
Phillip,Why not?
Terrance,Because I'm suddenly finding myself strangely attracted to Katherine.
Phillip,"What?! That's crazy, Terrance! Katie is obviously the hot one."
Butters,Ohhhhh ohhhhh.
Cartman,"Hey Butters. How you holding up, man?"
Butters,Oh. Hey fellas.
Cartman,"We got you a present, Butters. I'll put it here on your nightstand 'cause none of us want to touch you since you got queefed on."
Butters,Aw thanks.
Stan,"Butters, I'm afraid things have gotten worse. All the women suddenly think that... queefing is funny."
Butters,Ohhhhh ohhhhh!
Kyle,Calm down Butters! The men are taking action. But we need to take your picture.
Butters,"My, my picture?"
Cartman,"You're going to be the face of queef abuse, Butters, so that we can make people open their eyes."
Terrance,AAH!
Phillip,"Dammit I'm trying to enjoy my wine, Katie!"
Terrance,"No, that was me, Phillip. I farted."
Phillip,Oh.
Katherine,"Oh, this is a dream come true. I've always wanted to meet you, Phillip."
Terrance,Phillip?! I'm Terrance!
Katie,What? I thought you were Terrance.
Phillip,"No, I'm Phillip!"
Katherine,Oh dear.
Stephen,"A disgusting, violating trend is taking over our city, our state, our nation. Queefing has become an acceptable evil."
Cartman,"Last week at our school, a girl queefed right into our friend's face. That is why we are here to tell you  it's not a joke."
Stan,On television us children are starting to see and hear more and more graphic queefing.
Randy,"I would like to take this opportunity to explain why farts are funny and queefs are not. Men have always joked about farts and we in fact name our farts. We have The Squeaker  And then there's The Foghorn  and the ""Don't be scared""  and of course there's the-"
Woman,"Excuse me.  Well if that really is your argument, it isn't a very sound one. Women name their queefs too."
Other Women,That's right! We do.
Woman,"For instance, we have the Sneezing Unicorn.  and The Resuscitator"
Cartman,"Sick! Stop it, lady!"
Randy,Th-that's not the same! We've got the Chinese Firecracker!
Woman 2,"That's all well and good, but we can do the Road Warrior."
Road Warrior Queef,"Nooo! We go iiin! We kiiill! No more talk! We kiiill! Soon, my dog of war, but we have to do it my way.  Losers! Losers wait!"
Males,AWWW!
Randy,Jesus Christ!
Phillip,"You stupid bitch, what the fuck is wrong with you?!"
Katherine,"I'm not your sex toy, you fucking pig!"
Phillip,Ugh! You don't queef in bed while we're having sex!
Katherine,"Fuck you, you don't fucking slap me!"
Terrance,Could you please keep it down? We're trying to have sex over here.
Phillip,"She queefed while we were having sex, Terrance!"
Terrance,SICK!
Katie,Well what's the big deal? I've been queefing in this bed the entire time.
Terrance,What?! Gross!
Katie,How dare you?!
Katherine,Get out! Get out both of you!  We never want to see you again!
Terrance,After everything we've been through?
Terrance,"What the hell am I going to do, Phillip? She makes me so mad sometimes."
Phillip,"Katherine just won't stop queefing, but I don't know if I can live without her."
Terrance,"Katie, I'm sorry. I was wrong."
Phillip,"Me too, Katherine. I don't love your queefs, but dammit, I love you."
Katie,Oh Terrance.
Katherine,Phillip!
Randy,"Oh my God!  Ohmygod! Stan!  Stan, we did it! Colorado Senate moves to ban queefing!"
Stan,No way! We did it?!  Yeah!!
Randy,Alright son! Yeah!!
Sharon,What's going on?
Randy,"HA! Read it and weep, Sharon! No more queefing!"
Sharon,"Well, ...congratulations, guys. Looks like you got us. Good job."
Randy,Aw come on.  Just because you can't queef anymore...
Sharon,"You really think women cared that much about queefing? Is that really what you think this has all been about? This has been about women having a little bit of fun for once at your expense. For just this one time we could be the immature ones to make you feel uncomfortable. But no, you just couldn't let us have that one little thing, could you? Because even though things are getting better for women, you still think of us as lesser people sometimes, and we always have to prove ourselves twice as hard. Congratulations, guys.  For getting your way... again."
Stan,"Mom, we didn't mean..."
Randy,"Boy oh boy. I think we might have screwed up royal, Stan."
Stan,Yeah. We all got so caught up in how we felt that we didn't realize... women actually cared about something a lot deeper.
Randy,"Stan, let's call the guys together. Maybe we can make this right."
Randy,There's a time in our lives when we must listen to the oppressed.
"Randy, Stan",And realize we've been keeping women down.
Mr. Mackey,They have power and they have courage.
"Stephen, Butters","And we must all stand by the belief,"
"Gerald, Kyle","That a woman is strong, and she has the right to queef."
The Males,Fly free. Free to queef aloud; fly free. Let every queef show that you’re proud.
Randy,You face so many challenges to put an end to your grief.
The Males,"You are woman now, and you are free to queef."
Cartman,It's time for equality. We must give them the respect they deserve.
Mr. Garrison,They're just the same as you and me. Their rights must be preserrrr-r-r-rrrved.
The Males (Randy),"Queef free (Queef free). Every woman has the right; queef free (Queef free). Let your queefing stars shine bright.You are woman, hear you roar (queef free), queefing too loud to ignore. Queef a little each day and let your soul take flight!Ah-aaaaaaah-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, queef free."
Bishop,"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.  Nooo!"
Phillip,"Stop it, Katherine! This is a serious moment!"
Bishop,Therefore what God has joined together let no man-
Phillip,Aww. sick!
Bishop,That's it! I now pronounce you farts and queefs!
Cartman,"Hey Jimmy, what are you up to?"
Jimmy,"Oh, hey Eric. I was just trying to write some new jokes for my comedy  ...rou-routine."
Cartman,"Yeah well, ya wanna do somethin'? I wanted to hang out with Stan and Kyle, but they're all pissed off at me for somethin' so I have to hang out with you."
Jimmy,"Sorry Eric, but I really need to work, very much. I haven't written a good joke in over a week."
Cartman,"Alright, well maybe I can help you, you know, we can totally write some stuff together."
Jimmy,"Oh, well, sure. I've never really tried working with a partner, but let's give it a sho- a sh- a-sh, a-sh, shotaroosky. Let's see... I was workin' on this: Why does a squirrel swim on its back? To keep his -nuts dry."
Cartman,"No, that's not that funny. Let's try something else."
Jimmy,Ahb. A fireman and a p-p-Polack are eating marshmallows when-
Cartman,"No, no. Polacks aren't that funny dude. Try somethin' else."
Jimmy,"...So the Pope says, ""What are you, a stinking e-evolutionist?"""
Cartman,Meh.
Sarah,"Here's some fruit, boys.  Better for you than potato chips. Oh Jimmy, look out, there's a black widow!"
Jimmy,"Wow, thanks Mom.  You might have saved my life."
Cartman,"Dude, if I'm trying to be creative, I can't eat fruit. Doesn't your mom have something more substantial to eat?"
Jimmy,"You can check the freezer. There might be some frozen fishsticks or somethin', if you like fishsticks."
Cartman,"Yeah, I like fishsticks."
Jimmy,Wait a minute. Fishsticks... Fish. Dicks.  Ohmigod! It's so obvious. How did I never think of it before?
Cartman,"What, dude, you got something?"
Jimmy,"Alright, just run with me on this, Eric. Say Eric, do you like fishsticks?"
Cartman,Yeah.
Jimmy,You like putting fishsticks in your mouth?
Cartman,Yeah.
Jimmy,"Well what are you, Eric? A gay fish?"
Cartman,"Fish dicks! Aw dude, that's funny as shit! I think we're really onto something here. Let's try it out on the guys."
Butters,"Ohoho, there's Clyde. Do it to Clyde."
Jimmy,"Yeah yeah, let's do it to Clyde."
Cartman,"Okay okay, shushushuh, okay, shush, check it out. Uh hey there Clyde."
Clyde,Hey.
Stan,What's going on?
Butters,Eric and Jimmy came up with the funniest joke ever.
Cartman,"Say Clyde, do you like fishsticks?"
Clyde,Yes.
Cartman,Do you like to put fishsticks in your mouth?
Clyde,Yes.
Cartman,"What are you, Clyde? A gay fish?"
Butters,HA you saiid you like fishsticks in your mouth; that makes you a gay fish!
Cartman,"Token, Token, got a question for you:  Token, do you like fishsticks?"
Token,"Fishsticks? Yeah, I guess so."
Cartman,Shh shh shh shh Butters Butters.  You you like putting fishsticks in your mouth?
Token,Yes.
Cartman,What are you?
"Butters, Cartman",A gay fish?
Butters,"Hey look, there's Kevin Stoley!  Hey Kevin, do you like fishsticks?"
Mr. Garrison,"Hey, hey Mackey? Do you like fishsticks?"
Mr. Mackey,"Fishsticks? Yeah, I l- I like fishsticks, m'kay?"
Stephen,"Oh hey Peterson, buying fishsticks, I see."
Peterson,"Yeah, I like fishsticks."
Stephen,"What are you, Peterson? A gay fish?"
Announcer,"And now, here he is! Jimmy Kimmel!"
Jimmy Kimmel,"Alright, hey, how are we all feelin' tonight?  So uhhh, let me ask the guys in the audience a question. Do you like fishsticks?"
The Guys,Yes.
Jimmy Kimmel,"Huh. What are you, gay fish?"
David Letterman,"And so uhhh, hay Paul, do you like fishsticks, Paul?"
Paul Shaffer,"Uhhh, sure?"
David Letterman,"What are you, Paul, a gay fish?"
Jay Leno,"So apparently more and more Americans are eating fishsticks. Have you seen this? Have you read about this? Loving fishsticks, kinda makes me wonder, you know? What is everybody, a gay fish?"
Tom Snyder,"It is quite possibly the funniest joke over conceived, and its origin is unknown. The fishsticks joke crosses all border, all races, all ages and ethnic groups and is slowly uniting our country. In fact, the only person who appears to not get the joke is rapper Kanye West, who becomes furious when people use the joke on him."
Kanye,"Yo, that is messed up, yo! I am not gay, and I sure as hell ain't no fish! Alright?!"
Tom Snyder,You. Really. Don't. Get it.
Kanye,"Hey man, I'm a genius, alright?! I'm the most talented musician in the world! If I was a homosexual, or a fish, I would know!"
Tom Snyder,You're a rapper.
Kanye,Yes.
Tom Snyder,An entrepreneur.
Kanye,Yes.
Tom Snyder,And you like fishsdicks.
Kanye,Yes.
Tom Snyder,You're a gay fish.
Kanye,No! I am not no gay fish!
Tom Snyder,Just gay?
Kanye,I'm not gay and I'm not a fish! Man!
Tom Snyder,You are male?
Kanye,Damn right I'm male.
Tom Snyder,A male that like fish dicks.
Kanye,"Yeah, I like fishsticks"
Tom Snyder,You like to put fish dicks in your mouth.
Kanye,Yeah.
Tom Snyder,You're a gay fish.
Kanye,"Alright, that does it! I'm gonna kick your motherfuckin' ass!"
Cartman,"And then it was on Leno and the Jimmy Kimmel show! Dude, that's our joke on national television."
Kyle,"We know, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Nya nya nya nya nyaaa nya! We are comedy writers and you guys aren't! Ha ha ha ha haaa ha! Jimmy, I've been thinking: We've got to patent the fishsticks joke."
Jimmy,P-patent?
Cartman,"Yeah dude, there's lots of people out there using our joke on their shows. We should be getting compensated."
Jimmy,"Well, Eric, th-that's really not how jokes work. I mean, you know, we should just be... happy that the joke is so popular and made a lot of people laugh."
Cartman,"Dude, fuck that! Maybe you were writing jokes for people's amusement, but I don't work for free. I'm gonna talk to a lawyer so we get what's coming to us!"
Kyle,"Jimmy, exactly what part of the fishsticks joke did Cartman write?"
Jimmy,"Well, he didn't actually... write any of it. He just uh..."
Kyle,"Let me guess: you wrote the joke, and Cartman just laid on the couch eating Twizzlers."
Jimmy,Actually it was potato chips.
Kyle,"I knew it! Don't let that fat turd walk all over you, Jimmy! Stand up for yourself!"
Jimmy,"W-well, I-I mean he, he was in the room."
Craig,Then just give him half.
Kyle,What?
Craig,"I like you Jimmy, but you're not gonna win this. Consider yourself lucky he's only asking for half."
Kyle,"Craig, if Cartman didn't do anything, then he doesn't deserve any of the credit!"
Craig,"Yep. And if I had wheels, I'd be a wagon."
Kyle,"No dude, screw that! Jimmy, if Cartman didn't write the joke, then definitely don't sign any patent papers with him! Just say ""Cartman, you didn't have anything to do with this joke and you know it!"""
Craig,Just give him half.
Kanye,"There are a lot of people out there making up rumors about me that are malicious and untrue. But I'm going to prove once and for all: I'm not a fish. Because I am a genius, I've ascertained that fish have gills.  Doctor, do I have gills?"
Doctor,He does not have gills.
Kanye,You hear that? No gills! So I can't be a fish. And I'm a genius voice of a generation so I'm not gay! So that is that! Alright?! It's over! Now are there any questions?
Reporter 1,Do you like fishsticks?
Kanye,Love 'em!
Reporter 2,You're a gay fish.
Kanye,No I'm not- AAAARGH!
Conan O'Brien,"Alright, recently... Recently we've all come to know the fishsticks joke as probably the funniest, most awesome joke ever, but who originally came up with it? Well here's your answer. Joining us tonight, the brains behind the incredible fishsticks joke, the one and only Carlos Mencia."
Carlos Mencia,"Yeheah, Vive la Mexico!"
Conan O'Brien,"So Carlos, you've got a show on Comedy Central, a stand-up tour, where did you have time to come up with this classic joke?"
Carlos Mencia,"Well you know I just kicking it with my homies and my brain, you know, my brain is always so full of ideas 'cause I'm so fonny and stuff, so I was just all like, """"Hey, Papito, you like fishsticks?"" And my homeboy says ""Yeah Carlos"" you know, ""you're so funny!"" And then it just occurred to me. I said, ""Oh man, you must be a gay fish, homes!""  And this is how I came up with it, my amigos!"
Cartman,Motherfucker!
Cartman,"Jimmy, dude, did you see?! Carlos Mencia is taking credit for our joke!"
Jimmy,Really?
Cartman,"Yeah dude. I told you this would happen. Now look, I got a lawyer to draw up some patent papers. We've got to sign these so that people know that the joke belongs to you and me!"
Jimmy,"Aahhm, I don't know, Eric. I really don't think I want to sign that very much."
Cartman,"But Jimmy, some fat turd is taking credit for something he didn't do!"
Jimmy,"Well, to be perfectly f-f-f-frank, Eric, I think I came up with a little bit more of the joke than you did."
Cartman,What?!
Jimmy,"Well, you know, I mean, I basically wrote the thing, and you just kind of ate chips."
Cartman,"Jimmy, that's messed up. We decided that day to write together. Don't you remember?"
Cartman,"Hey Jimmy, wanna hang out?"
Jimmy,"Sorry Eric, but I've gotta write some jokes. Unless you wanna team up or somethin'."
Cartman,"Team up? Okay, let's write some jokes together."
Sarah,Here's some fishsticks guys. I hope you like fishsticks.
Cartman,"Do we like fishsticks? What does she think we are? Gay fish?  Uh oh, look out, Jimmy, it's a black widow!"
Jimmy,"Wow, thanks Eric."
Jimmy,Is that... Is that how it happened?
Cartman,"Look, exactly who came up with which part of the joke isn't even relevant. We had an agreement Jimmy. And if you wanna go back on that now, well then you're no better than a Jew."
Jimmy,I'm... I'm sorry?
Cartman,"It's cool man, it's cool."
Announcer,"Here he is, y'all! Give it up for Kanye West!"
Kanye,"Yo. Ungh. Yo.  Yo, whoa! Whoa, what the hell?!"
Audience,Gay fish! Gay fish! Gay fish!
Kanye,"Yo, fuck this noise, yo!"
Kanye,"Just doesn't make any sense, yo. Why is everyone calling me a gay fish?"
House,"Kanye, look, we all think it would be better if you would just drop it. Ya-you know, I mean, ih-if you don't get it, you don't get it."
Kanye,"What do you mean, I don't get it, House?! I'm a genius. I'll understand it, I just need to break it down is all. Now let's see...  Somethin' about fishsticks... interacting with me... makes me gay fish."
Aide 1,"Kanye, really..."
Kanye,"Shut up!  Alright, now what do we know about fishsticks?  They're breaded, they're fried, they're frozen. Then under me we have rapper, genius. And gay fish are homosexual. They swim.  Is it because breaded has something to do with genius? Which swims?"
House,"No, because you said you like fish dicks, Kanye! Don't, don't you get it? You see, fish dicks is a is a play on words."
Kanye,"I don't need anyone tellin' me ""play on words""! I'm a motherfuckin' lyrical wordsmith motherfuckin' genius!"
Cartman,"Hey Kyle, can I talk to you for a second?"
Kyle,"Dude, get out of here! I'm peeing."
Cartman,"It's just... I don't know what to do about Jimmy. I'm starting to think he might try and Jew me out of my half of the fishsticks joke.  I just... need you to teach me some Jew defensive moves, Kyle. Because we really both did come up with it."
Kyle,"You know what, Cartman? I believe you."
Cartman,You do?
Kyle,"Yes, I believe that you believe you helped write that joke. That's how people like you work! Your ego is so out of whack that it will do whatever it can to protect itself. And people with a messed up ego can do these mental gymnastics to convince themselves they're awesome, when really, they're just douchebags!"
Cartman,"But, I'm sure I helped come up with the joke. Didn't I?"
Cartman,"Hey Jimmy, what's up dawg?"
Jimmy,Oh hey Eric. Just workin' on some jokes.
Cartman,That's cool. You wanna write some together?
Jimmy,That'd be great! I've always wanted to work with you. You're really funny and you're totally not fat.
Cartman,"Cool, thanks. Let's get to work! Now let's see... something that's a play on words, I don't know... fishsticks. You know, 'cause it, 'cause dicks"
Jimmy,"Hey, you're really onto something there."
Sarah,"Hello Eric. Have some chips, because you're totally not fat at all."
Cartman,"Oh thank you Mrs. Valmer.  Now let's see... The setup could be... ""Do you like fishsticks?"""
Jimmy,"Right. And then I say, ""Yeah."""
Cartman,"So then I can say, ""What are you, a gay fish?"""
Jimmy,"Oh wow, this is incredible!"
Sarah,What is that?
Cartman,"It's a dragon of some kind! Don't worry, I can save you all!"
Butters,"Hey look, Eric killed a dragon."
Clyde,He's the most awesome kid in school!
Wendy,And he's not fat at all.
Cartman,Thanks you guys!
Cartman,"Nnnope. No, I definitely helped write the joke. All I can hope is Jimmy doesn't try and Jew me over."
Kanye,"Is it perhaps that I'm fashionable, and fishsticks are crunchy?"
Aide 2,"Yo Kanye, KANYE! We found him money."
Kanye,Found who?
Aide 2,"You told us to track down whoever started the whole fishstick thang. We found out who, dawg."
Carlos Mencia,"Come on, maaaan. What is this, maaaan? What the fuck is goin' on maaaan?  Oh fuck maaaan, Kanye Wehhst? Noo shiiit maaan, okay look it wasn't me. I didn't really start the fishstick thing, alriight?"
Kanye,You're just sayin' that now 'cause you're scared.
Mencia,"No man it's truuue. I stole it maaan. I took credit for it 'cause I'm not actually funneee. Come on, maaan, do you know what it's like? Being a comedian but not being funneee? Come on, Kanye, I just take jokes and repackage them with a Mexican accent, maaan."
Kanye,Think you can make fun of me? I'm a genius! I'm the voice of a generation! What are you?!
Mencia,"Nothing! Look at me maaan. I'm not funny, I steal jokes, my dick don't work maaan. I got to piss in a plastic bag, man, I got no dick."
Kanye,I ain't gonna hurt you. I pay people to do that for me.
Mencia,"Awww shih oh no man, come on, I got no dick, man!"
Kanye,"Now, explain it to me. Why do people think I'm a gay fish?"
Mencia,"'Cause... 'cause you like fish dicks, man. Come on, maaan. Don't you get it? Please, just get it, maaan."
Kanye,"Why- Look at me, look at me!  I love fishsticks. I love putting fishsticks in my mouth."
Mencia,"You're a- ...you're a gay fish, maaan."
Ellen DeGeneres,"Thank you, thank you very much. Well, about a week ago our country was blessed with the fishsticks joke. And ever since then us comedians have been kicking ourselves for not thinking of it.  But today we have with us the true creators of the fishsticks joke. Please welcome the comedy team of Cartman and Valmer.  Hey guys!"
Cartman,"Hi Ellen.  Do you guys like fishsticks?  Thank you, thank you. No, really. Thank you."
Ellen,"So guys, I gotta ask: how did you come up with this incredible joke?"
Jimmy,It was just a-
Cartman,"Ellen, comedy is like a game of racquetball, you know? You serve, and the other person hits it back. It bounces off the wall, you backhand it. And it goes back and forth and back and forth and then hopefully you've got a good joke. Thank you."
Ellen,"But guys, this joke is so... perfect. Can you explain how nobody thought of it before?"
Jimmy,"Well Ellen, the tr- tr- tr-"
Cartman,Truth of the matter is that there has never really been a team like us before. I mean let's be perfectly honest: a lot of people wouldn't work with someone who's disabled. But I see past that. I look beyond Jimmy's disabilities and find ...a bond which can unite us in comedy. Working with crippled people is really ...important.
Ellen,"That's so great. And, and are you crying, Jimmy?"
Jimmy,Yes Ma'am.
Cartman,"Ahaw don't cry, pal. You're gonna get me started. Anyway, what was really important for us as a team, Ellen, was to make sure that everyone knew that we came up with the joke, and not Carlos Butthole Mencia."
Ellen,I see. And did you know that Carlos Mencia was found dead in his house this morning with fishsticks stuffed down his open neck hole?
Cartman,Uhhh excuse me?
Kanye,Get my jet ready. Looks like we got another inning to play.
Cartman,"Alright, so check it out: We've got offers from Van de Kamp's and Gorton's Fisherman to do commercials."
Jimmy,It's always been my dream to go on a national TV show and talk about the c-c-craft of comedy.
Cartman,"Yeah, that was kewl huh?"
Jimmy,"Eric, there's something I really need to know."
Cartman,Whassat?
Jimmy,How do you live with yourself? You know you had nothing to do with the fishsticks joke.  But you just keep pretending. How do you look at yourself in the f-f-fucking mirror?! That's what I want to know!
Cartman,So... here it is.
Jimmy,How do you take credit for something you didn't do?!
Cartman,"That is bullcrap Jimmy, and you know it! I had just as much to do with the fishsticks joke as you did!  Dude, it's Puff Daddy!"
Kanye,Tie up these motherfuckers!  Now I'm gonna ask you motherfuckers one more time: why did you start these rumors about me?!
Jimmy,"Please, I wasn't starting rumors about you. I don't even know who you are."
Kanye,Aw right. Everyone knows who I am! I wanna know how this got started!
Jimmy,"Well, we, we were just talking about ideas for jokes and then-"
Cartman,"Oh, so now it's we, huh Jimmy? A minute ago you said you did it all yourself!"
Jimmy,"Well I just but I buh I was, gonna ebeh-"
Cartman,"Abebeh, abebebebebeah! We both came up with it together! You wanna know how it happened?!"
Cartman,Hello Jim.
Jimmy,"Oh boy! It's my best pal, Eric!"
Cartman,What are you up to?
Jimmy,"I'm trying to write jokes. But I'm not as funny as you, so it's tough."
Cartman,"Well, maybe I can help you. We can team up."
Jimmy,"Ruh really? Wow, you would help me even though I'm crippled. You are caring and not fat."
Cartman,"Now let's see, how about a joke that has something to do with... fishsticks. You know, 'cause fishsticks sounds like fish dicks, Jimmy."
Sarah,"Eric Cartman, you are handsome and not even remotely fat."
Cartman,"Thanks.  So, what I'm thinking is, ""Do you like fishsticks in your mouth?"""
Jimmy,What was that?
Butters,"Eric! Eric, you have to save us! An entire army of Jew robots!"
Cartman,"Oh my God, what are Jewbots doing here?  Flame on!  Flame off!"
Wendy,"You saved everyone from the Jewbots, Cartman."
Cartman,"Come on, Jimmy, we gotta go back and finish that joke!  ""Like fishsticks in your mouth? What are you a gay fish?"" There!"
Jimmy,"Wow Eric, in-credible! Too bad I'm a dick and I'm gonna take all the credit. Su-su-suck it, bitch!"
Cartman,Aw dammit! I guess it really was all me who came up with it.
Jimmy,What?!
Cartman,"You've gotta let Jimmy go, it's all my fault."
Jimmy,"Jesus Eric, he's gonna kill you! You won't even admit it was just me, knowing you're gonna die?"
Cartman,"Jimmy, you really believe that you came up with it all on your own? Oh my God, wait. I totally get it now."
Jimmy,"What? I, I still don't get anything."
Cartman,"All this time I've been mad at you, Jimmy, for trying to take all the credit, but, now I realize it's just that your ego has made you believe things happened differently. That's what Kyle was trying to tell me. That you have such a huge ego you do these mental gymnastics to make yourself a part of things."
Jimmy,"Rih, r-r-really?"
Cartman,"I thought you were just trying to Jew me out of my part of the credit, but now I realize that... some people just have egos that are so out of whack that no matter what people tell them, they can't accept the truth of who they are.  Jimmy, I owe you an apology. I realize now you can't help believing you created the entire joke, because your ego won't let you think otherwise. I just have to accept that."
Jimmy,"Thanks, Eric, for being so understanding."
Kanye,He's right. For so long I've considered myself God's gift to the world that I couldn't take it when people made fun of me. But they weren't makin' fun of me. They were tryin' to help me.  Boys I understand what you did now.  Untie them guys. I know what I have to do.
Aide 2,Yo Kanye! You sure about this?
Kanye,"It's time for me to stop runnin'. I need to believe what people tell me.  Let all my fans know I love 'em, but a gay fish just can't live in the outside world forever. Don't be sad for me guys!  I'm goin' home!"
Kanye,"(Uh. Come on.)I've been so lonely, girl, I've been so sad and down.Couldn't understand why haters joked aroundI wanted to be free with other creatures like meAnd now I got my wish...'Cuz I know that I'm a gay fish gay fish (Gay fish, yo)Motherfuckin' gay fish gay fish (I'm a fish, yo)Girl I am a gay fish gay fish (it's alright, girl)Makin' love to other gay fish gay fish (Unh)All those lonely nights at the grocery storeIn the frozen fish aisle feeling like a whore'Cuz I wasn't being true even though everyone saidThat I had to make a switch (dead fish)...Now I know that I'm a gay fish gay fish (Gay fish, yo)Motherfuckin' gay fish gay fish (I'm a, I'm a fish, yo)Girl I am a gay fish gay fish (Yes, now where I belong, girl)Making love to other gay fish."
Randy,"Alright,  that's 2.8 centimeters... should give us a drag of only.. 26 milliseconds. Hold the front here, Stan."
Sharon,"Hey guys, it's almost 2 a.m."
Randy,We know!
Sharon,Well it's way past time for bed.
Randy,"Sharon, Stan's Pinewood Derby race is tomorrow! Do you have any idea how important this is to him? Stan is not gonna lose to the goddamn Hollises again!"
Sharon,Well it's just a block of wood and some wheels; I don't think there's that much more you can do with it.
Randy,"That's 'cause you're a chick! Now just leave us alone!  Don't worry, son, the Hollises are not beating us this year! I went and got something to put inside our car and make it go extra-fast."
Stan,"Dad, we're not allowed to add anything to the car that doesn't come in the approved kit, remember?"
Randy,"Stan, how do you think the Hollises beat us every year?  I'm sure they put lead in the wood or something; we're just leveling the playing field.  There."
Stan,What is that?
Randy,"It's, uh it's nothing, really."
Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing outside the Hadron particle super-collider in Switzerland, where authorities are shocked and baffled over the theft of a superconducting bending magnet created for use in tests with particle acceleration."
Stan,"Oh no, he didn't."
Reporter,"The superconducting magnet was stolen sometime last week. Surveillance cameras were able to record the theft on tape and police are now looking for  Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan. Caught here in these photos, the troubled rebel princess is seen taking the superconducting magnet and then appearing disoriented as she tries to find her way out.  If you have any information of Princess Leia's whereabouts, please call your local police department."
Judge,"Alright Scouts and Dads, the racing continues. And it looks like our next heat is ready to go, in 3, 2, 1, race!  Two point one seconds for Tommy Bretts. Looks like we have a new leader, folks."
Tommy and His Dad,All right!
Randy,"Alright Stan, we're gonna need to check in and have our car inspected to qualify.  Now, son, Daddy needs to teach you something very important about ""tells."""
Stan,Tells?
Randy,"When you tell them you only used the approved kit, don't look up and away, don't rub your neck, and don't touch your ear. Otherwise they'll know you're lying to them. Alright? Whenever you need to lie, just don't look up and away, rub your neck, or touch your ear."
Stan,"Dad, maybe we should just take out the thing you put in the car an-"
Randy,"Son. ...You have to learn how to lie correctly someday, might as well be today, alright? I love you, son."
Official,"Looks good. Thank you and good luck today.  Alright, next please.  Name?"
Stan,"It's uh, Marsh."
Official,"Alright, car weighs in at 15 ounces. Do you hearby swear that you used parts in the official Pinewood Derby kit and only parts in the official Pinewood Derby kit?"
Randy,"Yes I do, yes I do."
Stan,Yes I do.
Official,"Alright you man, good luck today."
Randy,Oh! Yes!
Mr. Hollis,"Well well, look son, it's the Marshes."
Randy,"Ey Hollis. You, uh, you guys race already?"
Mr. Hollis,"No, little Emmett hasn't gone yet. Think they're saving the best for last.  Clocked her in at home at 1.5 seconds. It's the fastest car we've ever built."
Randy,One point five?
Judge,"The time to beat is 1.9 seconds. May we please have... Brewster, Marsh, Jarvis, and Hollis."
Mr. Hollis,"Huh, only fitting our boys should be going head to head for their match, hey Marsh? Heh."
Randy,"Come on, Stan, you can do this!"
Judge,"Alright, kids, are you ready? Here we go, last race for the state championship in 3, 2, 1, Go!"
Mr. Hollis,You got it Emmett!
Randy,"Oh yeah!  Oh yeah!  Suck on that, Hollis!"
Announcer,This is Nine News at Ten.
Anchorman,"A Colorado boy and his father have set a new record at the Pinewood Derby.  Stan and Randy Marsh not only broke a speed record, but actually appear to have bent time and space and discovered warp speed.  A parade was held for the winners earlier today , and already offers for commercials and endorsement deals for the father and son appear to be pouring in."
Emmett,"Dad, I just want you to know I still love you.  Waaaagh!  He's OK, he's OK, he's OK, he's OK, he's OK-"
Agent Clark,Stan Marsh?
Stan,Yeah?
Agent Clark,I'm Agent Clark  and this is Agent Marx  We'd like to talk to you about your Pinewood Derby car.
Stan,"Aw crap, Dad!"
Agent Clark,"Young man, what we are about to tell you is a matter of national security. Yesterday every country and embassy on Earth was contacted by... an alien life force."
Stan,Alien?
Agent Marx,Apparently the alien came across your Pinewood Derby car and is now headed to our planet.
Stan,What does it want?
Agent Clark,We believe that they intend to welcome us into the Galactic Federation of Planets. They will want to meet the people who discovered warp speed for our species.
Randy,"Stan, did you use all the damned toilet paper agai-?  Aw crap!  What?! What do you guys want?! We said we only used what was in the kit! You got nothin' on us! You got nothin' on us!"
Stan,Dad they aren't here for that.
Randy,"Oh. Hi, I'm Randy Marsh."
Agent Clark,"Mr. Marsh, we were just telling your son that thanks to you, we have made first contact with alien life."
Randy,"What?  Hey, hey Sharon."
Agent Marx,"NASA's confirmed that an alien ship has entered our solar system and it is headed here,"
Randy,"So, so guess what? Our Pinewood Derby car found alien life in space."
Sharon,What? Oh my God.
Randy,"Yeah, but I guess it's just a dumb little race like you said, huh Sharon?"
Reporter,"The world holds its breath as an alien ship prepares to land. Now that our planet has achieved warp speed, we're about to be welcomed into the universal society. All thanks to a father and son who broke the warp barrier using only the parts in this  Pinewood Derby car kit."
General,"Mr. Marsh, you are on with all the world leaders."
Randy,Hullo?
Britain,"Godspeed, Mr.Marsh."
France,Ze nation of France iz with you.
Japan,"Good ruck witha 'harien, Mista Marsh."
China,Prease say herro froma China.
Randy,"Oh okay uh, uh stand by I- I think it's, I think it's landing."
Reporter,"Our first encounter with extraterrestrial life is about to happen. Will it be like in Star Trek: First Contact? Or will it be more like Contact, with Jody Foster?"
Alien,I seek the life forms that made this.
Randy,"That's ours, Mr. Alien. We are the Marshes, Randy and Stan."
Alien,"Oh yeah?  You're gonna build me another one, see?"
Randy,He's got a gun!
Alien,"Everyone down on the ground!  Get those hands up! Let me see those hands! Do it now! I mean it! Show me those hands! I'm Baby Fark McGee-zax, the greatest gangster this universe has ever seen, right?!"
Townsman,You can't threaten us!  Ow!
McGee-zax,"Who wants it next, huh?!  Anyone else on this planet wanna be a hero?"
Randy,What do you want?
McGee-zax,"I'm on the lam. Got the entire Federation of Planets after me. But they ain't gonna catch me, ya got that?! They might have busted my warp drive, but you obviously know how to make 'em!"
New Yorker,Screw this guy! He can't take out all of us!  Aargh!
McGee-zax,"I can kill any mug on this two-bit planet I want!  You build me a new warp drive or you're all gonna get it, see?!"
Judge,Fine. He can build you what you want. All he needs is the official Pinewood Derby kit. Right Marsh?
Randy,"Uh, yeah. Yeah, that's all we need, huh Stan?  Oh boy."
Randy,"Okay, let's ah put the wheels on now, son."
McGee-zax,What's takin' so long?! You're stallin'!
Stephen,"Come on Randy, just build him the warp drive and he'll leave us alone."
Randy,We're working on it!
Stan,"Dad. Dad, you know we can't make the car go as fast as before with only the approved Pinewood Derby kit."
Randy,"Yeah, thanks Stan, I know that."
Stan,Well we have to tell them we used something outside the kit.
Randy,Do you have any idea how stupid that would make us look?!
McGee-zax,"Alright, that does it!"
Randy,Hello?
Italy,They justa blew up our government building! Ya got to hurry!
Britain,"Mr. Marsh, why won't you finish the Pinewood Derby car?!"
Randy,Will you just give us a minute?! Gau!!
Stan,"Come on, Dad. We've gotta come clean."
Randy,Awhuh.
McGee-zax,"Aw zahts, it's the intergalactic police."
Randy,What?!
McGee-zax,"You'd better get rid of 'em or your whole planet is gonna get it, see?!  You tell 'em you ain't seen nothin', you got that?!  I ain't goin' to space jail!"
Officer 1,"'Scuse us, Earthlings, but uh, we've been in pursuit of a criminal from the Xenon galaxy. Fella by the name of Baby Fark McGee-zax?"
Randy,"Uh, no.  We haven't seen anything."
Officer 1,"Well, ya think anyone else on your planet might have seen him?"
Randy,"Ahhh actually I- I happen to be on the phone with all the world leaders- I- I can ask. Uh yeah, listen, these, uh, police aliens are here, and they're wondering if anyone's seen an alien named Baby Fark McGee-zax."
China,"Uh uh no, no, we haven't seen arien."
France,Uh we've seen nothing here in France.
Randy,"Sorry, nobody in the world has seen anything. Uh... what did this... criminal alien do, exactly?"
Officer 1,He stole over 600 parsohns of space cash from the universal bank. You're absolutely sure you didn't see an alien land here?
Randy,"No, we're sure."
Officer 1,So then... we're the first aliens you've ever seen?
Randy,"That's right, yep, you're the first ones."
Officer 1,You don't seem that excited about your first contact with alien life.
Randy,"...Uh. That's r-. That's right!  Oh, oh my God! Hey everybody, we just made first contact!"
Officer 1,If you do see any sign of the other alien or the space cash you-
Randy,We will give you a call!
Officer 1,Mathematical semi-tonal is fine.
Officer 1,Huh.
Officer 2,"Something wrong, sir?"
Officer 1,"I don't know, Davert. Just somethin' about that planet didn't feel right."
Randy,"Alright son, now you just paint the racing stripe like you did before."
McGee-zax,"I don't need it painted, I just need it functional, all right?!"
Randy,"Hey, the right paint job is a big part of what makes a Pinewood Derby car go fast!"
Scout Leader,That's true.
McGee-zax,"I swear, if you don't have that thing workin' in three minutes this whole planet is done for!"
Stan,"Dad, it's over. We have to tell everyone we cheated."
Randy,"No. I've got it all figured out, son. You have to kill the alien."
Stan,Kill the alien?
Randy,"Sshh! I've been filing down this piece of metal into a shank. I'm gonna call him over here to look at the car, and when I do, you shove that in his neck."
Stan,"No. Dad, we don't even know what'll happen."
McGee-zax,"What are you two whispering about, riiight?"
Randy,"Oh no, that's uh that's it. We're done. Uh here. Come, come take a look."
Stan,Dad?
Randy,"Here, see? Here look, look real close at the axles here.  Yeahaah! Ahalright, you got him son!"
General,"Alright men, check the ship."
Randy,You see Stan? What did Daddy tell you? Everything worked out.
Stan,I guess so. It just still doesn't feel right.
Randy,"But Stan, it's over now. We'll never have to lie again."
General,"Hey Marsh, get in here!"
Stephen,Can you believe it?
Randy,Oh my God. Spaaace caaash.
General,Looks like those alien cops were right. Guess you should call them back now.
Randy,Right.  But what if we didn't call the cops?
Stephen,Huh?
Randy,"Well I mean...  this is a lot of space cash, guys. Think o'what we could do with it."
Stan,"No, Dad-"
Mr. Garrison,He's right. We don't have to call the police back.
General,"All right, let's get the cash put into boxes!"
Stan,"Whoawhoawhoa Dad, what are we doing?"
Randy,"Will you relax, Stan?"
Japan,Don't think you can keep the all the space cash for yourself!
Germany,That's right! This is all of our planet; the space cash belongs to all of us!
Australia,Either America shares that space cash with the rest of the world or we will tell the space cops!
Randy,"Alright, fine, look: there's plenty of space cash to go around!  Thanks to us, our planet is rich, son!"
Randy,"Oh no, China, we get to keep the ship. Because we killed the alien, you boner! Oh-oh come on England, you got just as much of the space cash as everyone else!  Oh crap it's the cops! Hang on.  Ah hey, space officers."
Officer 1,Looks like the alien criminal did land here after all.
Randy,"Oh, that- You were talking about that alien. Oh yeah that one, he was here, yeah. He landed here, but we... we killed him."
Officer 1,"And so, did you find the missing space cash?"
Randy,Nnno. Space cash? No.  There wasn't any space cash.
Officer 2,Well maybe someone else on your planet knows where it is?
Randy,"Hey ah ah, any of you other countries see any space cash?"
Russia,No space cash.
Japan,No we haven't-
Britain,No space cash.
Brazil,No.
Randy,"Yeah, it doesn't look like the space cash was ever here."
Officer 1,Uh huh. Guess he must have dropped it off at some other planet.
Randy,Probably.
Officer 1,"Well you folks all take care now.  Just... one more thing, Earthlings, uh... We had some images done of your planet and it appears that one of your poorer countries - Mexico? - has built 32 new hospitals and seven water parks in the last four days."
Randy,"Oh... Yeah, Mexico. You know oh, oh, yeah. All of us other countries chipped in and uh, gave Mexico some aid. Yeah they really needed... some new water parks."
Officer 1,Uh huh. Have a good day.
Randy,Hey. Hey Mexico! We said no spending the space cash yet!  What the hell are you doing?! Will some country that speaks Spanish yell at Mexico please? They're gonna ruin everything!
Randy,"No, Japan! Will you listen to me for five seconds?! If you keep building giant robots the cops are gonna ask questions!"
Japan,Well then why can Engrand build a nuclear power plant?!
Randy,Nobody can build anything!!
Britain,"Yeah, well, it's not even gonna matter, because Finland is thinking about telling the space cops the truth!"
Randy,Wha?! Finland?!
Finland,We believe the aliens are going to find out sooner or later what we did. It's best we come clean now.
Randy,"Will you just relax, Finland?! Nobody is gonna find out anything."
Finland,"I'm sorry, but our nation is resolved. We cannot live with the guilt anymore."
Randy,"Okay okay!  You're right. You're right, Finland! Okay? You're right. Can you just... let us other countries talk pr-private, for a moment?"
Finland,Very well.
Randy,"All right you guys, we've gotta get rid of Finland."
China,"Yep, we gotta take out Finrand, they gonna squeal."
Australia,"Yeah, I think we all agree. Guys?"
Randy,Oh dammit!
Randy,"Uh hey, space officers. How can we help you?"
Officer 1,"Well we're a little puzzled over one of your countries? Uh, Finland?"
Randy,Whaa-wha-what about it
Officer 2,It appears to have been... destroyed.
Randy,"Whaaat? Oh my God, not Finland."
Crowd,"Oh no, not Finland."
Randy,"Hey guys, Finland's dead."
Russia,Oh no. No! Nooo.
Japan,"Noo, not a Finrand!"
Kenya,"All of Finland, gone."
Randy,"Yeah, somebody better break the news to Norway; they were really close."
Officer 1,None of you knew anything about Finland's destruction?
Randy,"No, I mean... Odds are, they nuked themselves. You know, suicide."
Officer 2,We didn't say anything about nukes.
Randy,"Or, or whatever they did, I'm sayin'."
Stan,"'Scuse me! 'Scuse me!  Everyone, I have an announcement to make. I'm giving back my Pinewood Derby trophy!"
Judge,What?
Randy,Stan?
Stan,"The truth is, I don't deserve this trophy. 'Cause I cheated on my Pinewood Derby car. I used something not in the approved kit."
Japan,Not in the approved kit?!
Britain,He cheated on the Pinewood Derby?
Stan,"This trophy isn't mine, and so I have to give it back! Because if I'm not honest now, then I'll have to keep this lie going forever. And it will just grow and grow."
Randy,"Well Stan, we're proud of you for coming clean. But it doesn't change the fact that you cheated. Go to your room, son."
Officer 1,Your son seems to have some pretty inspirational words. You sure you Earthlings have nothing else to tell us?
Randy,"Hey uh, do we have anything else to tell the space cops?"
Britain,Nope.
France,Nope.
South Korea,No changes.
Kenya,Nope.
Russia,No changes.
Brazil,Nope.
China,No. Tell them no.
Australia,No changes.
Randy,"Yeah, no, we've told you everything."
Officer 1,"All right, that's it then. Come on out sir, it appears to be over."
Randy,"Aw shit, it's Baby Fark McGee-zax!"
McGee-zax,My real name is Kevern Zaksor. I am the ambassador to new planet testing.
Britain,What the hell are they talking about?
Kevern Zaksor,"These are not space cops.  There is no space jail, and space cash is only worth what you as a planet decided it was worth. I mean, how stupid is your species? Space jail? Baby Fark McGee-zax?"
Randy,It was... a trick?
Officer 2,"Whenever a civilization discovers warp speed, we want to bring them into the Federation of Planets, but first we do the space cash test, to see if that species is worthy of joining."
Kevern Zaksor,"Needless to say, you all failed.  People of earth, since you did not return the space cash, your species and your planet is hereby forever blocked off and barred from the rest of the universe. Goodbye."
Randy,"No heywaitwait, no!  Well that sucks!"
Cartman,You guys! You guys! We can finally do it! We can finally leave this crappy town and live the life we've all dreamed of!
Butters,We can?
Stan,"What are you talking about, dude?"
Cartman,"Haven't you assholes been watching the news?  Pirating is back, my friends. Swashbuckling adventure on the high seas! The stuff we've all dreamed about! And it's all happening right here:  Somalia."
Clyde,Somalia? Where's that?
Cartman,"North Africa. Just picture it, guys: clear blue water with skull islands. Waterfalls and jeweled treasure underneath."
Butters,Whoa.
Cartman,"I've worked it all out on Expedia.  We can take Southwest Airlines to Miami, then Dubai Air here to Cairo, and then it's just a 49-hour bus ride into Mogadishu, with all the booty and plunder a pirate could want."
Kyle,"Wow, you know, Cartman? That is an awesome idea. You should totally go to Somalia."
Cartman,"Right, and wi-  Wait a minute. You never think my ideas are good, Kyle."
Kyle,"No, I'm being totally serious. That is the best idea you've ever had. You should run away to Mogadishu. You should go there right away. I'll even help pay for your ticket."
Cartman,"Wow, cool! Wait a minute. The fuck?! Why would you do that? Unless... you're trying to trick me somehow."
Kyle,"Nono, you're right. Somalia is an oasis of treasure and waterfalls. It's totally the pirate's life."
Cartman,Then why don't you wanna go?
Kyle,"Well, c-cause dude, I'm Jewish, a-and you know..."
"Kyle, Cartman",Jews can't be pirates.
Cartman,"That's true. Well, I'm glad you've finally come to terms with your disability, Kyle.  Gentlemen, I'm off to start planning!"
Kyle,Please. Please let him go.
Gordon Stoltski,"Good morning, students. These are the morning announcements. Teacher-parent conferences have been rescheduled to next Tuesday.  Please inform your parents. The gym is being repainted, and is closed until tomorrow afternoon. And now for a special announcement:"
Cartman,"Avast there, mateys!  Do ya have a thirst for adventure on the high seas of life?  Arrre you sick and tired of your parents and teachers telling you what to do all the time?  Then join Captain Cartman's Perfect Pirate Club, arrrr!  Just imagine it, me hearties! A life without rules, without homework and chores! You can live the pirate's life in Somalia, me friends!  Even Kyle said so.  Our first official pirate mee'in will be 4 pm today at Kevin Stoley's house!"
Kevin,At my house? Why my house?
Cartman,"There will be refreshments served! So make sure your mom goes to the grocery store, Kevinnn! So come one, come all! The invitation is open to any student who wants to be a pirate, and who isn't Jewish, Mexican or ginger! Arrrgh!"
Gordon Stoltski,"And for lunch today, the cafeteria will be serving taco salad or hoagie sandwiches. Thank you."
Butters,"Ahoy fellow club members. Congratulations on leaving your meaningless lives behind to become pirates.  Your life of boredom is at an end, thanks to Captain Cartman. All hands on deck!"
Cartman,"Attention! All right, you booty lovers! So you decided to join Captain Cartman's edjeh...  Uh, guys, who let in the g-i-n-g-e-r?"
Clyde,"Well, there's really not that many of us. We figured we should let him join."
Cartman,"But guys, g-i-n-g-e-rs can't be pirates because they don't have souls. Please get it out of here."
Gordon Stoltski,"Fine, I don't wanna be a pirate anyways!"
Cartman,"Okay, anyways. Now enough small talk, lads! It's time for us to start rapin' and plunderin'!"
Butters,Yeah!
Cartman,We set course tomorrow! I purchased everyone's ticket online using me mother's credit card!
Clyde,And your mom is okay with that?
Cartman,"Dude, I'm a pirate! What the devil do I care what me mudder thinks anymore?"
Butters,Neato!
Cartman,Alright lads! Go home and write your farewell letters to your families! The land of pirates awaits!
Butters,Pirates ho!
"Clyde, Ike",Pirates ho!
Kevin,Ho!
Cartman,"Kevin, Goddammit!"
Clerk,"Have a good flight. Next, please?"
Cartman,"We be headin' to Somaaliaa. By way of Miami to Cairo. And take care o' you put us in an exit row, you land lubber!"
Clerk,I see. You five boys are all booked through to Cairo by yourselves?
Cartman,"That we be, lass. It's all paid for on me mudder's credit card."
Butters,Oh jeez. Unh I don't know if I can really go through with this.
Cartman,What?!
Butters,"It's just l-leavin' everything behind, uh, uh I can't believe I'm actually doing it."
Clyde,Yeah maybe we should think about this.
Cartman,"You guys, the fuck? Are you forgetting how crappy your lives are?! All the homework, the rules?! Butters, do you really wanna just go back to school, where people just make fun of you?"
Butters,"Huh, who, you mean you?"
Cartman,Yes! Do you really wanna go back to that?!
Butters,"No, I'm sick of it!"
Cartman,"Well all right then, fag! We can't turn back now! The path to adventure lies just beyond this ticket counter! And if you four have really come all this way just to turn back now, then seriously you guys, the FUCK?"
Butters,"He's right, lads. To adventure!"
Clyde,This is Somalia?
Butters,Where's all the waterfalls and shi-and shipwreck lagoons?
Cartman,"The FUCK?!  'Scuse me, where are the pirates?  Hey, hey we're looking for the pirates? Where can we find the-uh!  Butters, get the phrase book out.  Ask these people where the pirates are."
Butters,"Uhh,  mahjey burazi?"
Somali 1,Burad. Iyaja dene zaredeko
Somali 2,Buradi wakuwasa.
Butters,Oh. He-he says they're in there.
Cartman,"Ah, nice. Come on, mateys!"
Somali 2,Mayasuk! Hageha-aden! Letka suwahater!
Cartman,"Yes, bebebudjuhbluhbluhbluhbluh. Thank you."
Cartman,"Avast!  These aren't pirates, they're just a bunch of black people."
Pirate 1,"""Is this some kind of joke?"""
Pirate 2,"""I don't know what the fuck this is!"""
Cartman,I am Captain Cartman and this here be my terrible crew! We be lookin' for a ship to pirate with
Pirate 1,"""These white children will bring a high price in ransom money!"""
Pirate 2,"""Take them out to the nearest European boat! Show them we have children hostages!"""
Cartman,"Yes, very nice. Apparently, these are the pirates."
Pirate 3,"""Move it! Go over that way!"""
Pirate 4,"""We will get a nice ransom for you!"""
Cartman,"Oh, excellent! They're taking us to a ship. Once we commandeer our vessel the plundering will be easy indeed, lads."
Pirate 3,"""Get on board!"""
Pirate 4,"""Do it now!"""
Cartman,"This... is your pirate boat? Dude, the FUCK! Alright, seriously you guys? What kind of pirates are you? I mean, really? The FUCK, dude, the FUCK?!"
Pirate 3,"""Get on the boat now!"""
Pirate 4,"""Move!"""
Cartman,"Alright lads, guess we'll have to settle with this meager ship. Two of you sit aft and two of you sit in the front."
Kevin,I gotta sit middle 'cause I get motion sickness.
Cartman,"Kevin, Jesus Christ!  Hard to starboard, lads! There's sure to be lots of booties out hyah!  Clyde, the fuck?!"
Clyde,You said there was gonna be crystal clear lagoons and treasure and plunderrrr!
Cartman,"Calm down, Clyde. Everything's gonna be okay!"
Clyde,No it's not! You made me run away to be a pirate and there's not even any treasure!
Cartman,"Ike, will you do something about Clyde, please?  Very nice, Ike.  All right me hearties! Keep your eyes open for boats to plunder!"
French Captain,"""Keep your eyes open, Mr. Leon. These waters are full of renegades and thieves."""
Mr. Leon,"""Yes, Captain!"""
Deck Hand,"""Captain! We have an unknown vessel approaching quickly to port!"""
French Captain,"""Damn pirates! Alert the crew! All hands on deck!"""
Pirate 5,"""We demand ransom for these children! Pay us or we will kill them!"""
French Captain,"""They've got CHILDREN HOSTAGES!"""
Cruise Attendant,"""My God!"""
French Captain,"""Get the U.N. on the radio. Advise them of the situation."""
Pirate 5,"""We want 5,000 Euros! You easily have that much on board!"""
Cartman,Du-dude! You're doing it all wrong! Let me handle this.  Alright ya scalliwags! Surrender your plunder and let me send my shot across your bow!
Pirate 4,"""We are going to start killing them! Starting with the fat one!"""
Cartman,"Yeah that's good, but now go ARRRGH!"
Butters,ARRRRRRGH!
Kyle,"Yeah? Okay, and you checked with Kenny and Token? He's not just staying at their houses?"
Stan,"No, dude, everyone's checked. I think Cartman really ran away to Somalia."
Kyle,Yes! I can't help but take some credit for this. I helped convince him to go!
Stan,You really think he'll die in Somalia?
Kyle,"Oh for sure, dude! It's the most God-forsaken place on the planet! Things are finally gonna be normal around here."
Sheila,"Oh God! Oh God, what did we do wrong, Gerald?!"
Gerald,Take it easy. We'll find him.
Kyle,I'll call you back.
Sheila,"Oh Kyle, he's gone! Your little brother's run away from home!"
Kyle,What? Are you sure?
Sheila,He left a note saying he's never coming back.
Kyle,"""Dear Mommy and Daddy: I am running away. I am sorry, but I can no longer handle the monotony of middle-class life. Everyone at school is a fucking idiot, and if one more person talked to me about that Susan Boyle performance of Les Misérables I was going to puke my balls out through my mouth. I love you all, but I have to move on. I'm going to Somalia to be a-"" to be a pirate?! Oh shit!"
Sheila,"Oh Gerald, what are we gonna do?"
Gerald,"It's alright, he couldn't have gone far. Let's call the other kids' houses."
Kyle,Oh God. What have I done?
Pirate 4,"""We are growing impatient! Give us what we want or they die!"""
Cartman,The FUCK are you pirates doing?! Are we gonna plunder them or not?!
French Captain,"""Alright! Alright! We are going to give you what you want! But you must hand over the children UNHARMED!"""
Pirate 5,"""The money first!""  ""Go! Get on the boat! Move!"""
Cartman,"Alright, let's go!"
Cruise Attendant,"""We got 'em - They're safe!"""
French Captain,Your crimes will not go unpunished!  Are you kids alright?
Cruise Attendant,"""Did they hurt you?"""
Cartman,"Quiet, you sons of biscuit eaters! This boat is now pirate propertih! Now get ye to your lifeboat, lest you wanna be shark bait!"
French Captain,"""What is this?!"""
Cartman,"Plunder the booty, lads! This ship is ours!"
Butters,Okay!
Cartman,"I said, get off my boat!"
French Captain,"""Hey! You can't order us around!"""
Cartman,"That's it! Get in there you swarmy dogs!  Lower 'em down, Ike."
French Captain,"""Scoundrels! You will pay for this!"""
Butters,Have a good day!
Cartman,"Hard to port, lads!"
Clyde,Hard to port!
Butters,"What's ""port""?!"
Cartman,"Just make the boat go that way, kind of.  That's good. Now bring her around portside.  Now that's a pirate ship!  A fine day o' plunderin' we had, boys! What about yourselves?  Here you are, lads. Plenty of booty to go around.  A round of grog for me boys!  A round of grog for everyone!  The fuck is this? This is water in a Dixie cup! Alright, Goddammit, really you guys! What kind of pirates are you?! Look at yourselves! You disgrace the Blackbeard! I don't know where you people get off calling yourselves pirates!  Little beat-up boats, water in Dixie cups. I mean, I mean look, look at this guy!  Look at this guy for Christ's sake!  I mean, how hard is this, people?!   I tell you lads, if we're gonna be the most feared people on Earth, then there needs to be some Goddamned changes around here!Weee drink and we pillage and we do what we please! We get all that we want for free!"
"Cartman, Butters",We'll kick your ass and rape your lass. Somalian pirates we!So with a yo ho ho!
Cartman,Goddamnit people! With a yo ho ho!
Pirates,Yo ho ho.
Cartman,And with a yee hee hee!
Pirates,Yee hee hee
Cartman,We take to the African sea!We'll brave the squalls and bust your ballsSomalian pirates we!
Pirates,Somalian pirates we.
Together,"We left our homes and we left our muddersto go on a pillagin' spree!We'll cut off your ears and break your toesand make you drink our pee!And if you sail into our waters,you best hear this decree:We'll take your boat, set your ass afloat!"
Pirate,Somalian pirate we.
Cartman,Nice. And with a yo ho ho!
Pirates,Yo ho ho!
Cartman,And a tricky lahty do!
Pirates,Tricky lahdy do!
"Cartman, Choir",We'll shoot you in the face with glee!Then we'll cut off your ears-
Cartman,"Okay okay, let's stop there for a minute. Remember, on tricka lahty do, that's a ""lahty do"" Okay, really need you guys to enunciate the ""lahty"" Uh, Nadif, if I can get you and Abdikaram to sing the harmony on the second ""yo ho"". And uh, Hashmish, is it? I'm sorry, but you're a little flat. Remember to sing out, don't close your throat, m'kay? So let's go from uh, bar 14. We'll pick up after the quarter rest. Ike?"
Pirate Choir,Somalian pirates we.
Cartman,Better! With a yo ho ho!
Choir,Yo ho ho!
Cartman,And a tricky lahty do
"Cartman, Choir",We'll shoot you in the face with glee!Then we'll cut off your cock and feed it to a croc
Ike,Somalian pirate we.
Pirate Choir,Somaliaaan piiiraaates weeeeee.
Cartman,Somaliaaan piiiraaates weeeeee.
Paolo Captain,"We found then adrift in a lifeboat, sir. They say that pirates took their ship by force."
U.N. Leader,Damn pirates! What's causing them to suddenly be so much more active? Is the crew okay?
Paolo Captain,"Yes sir. They're French, so they surrendered immediately.  Once the pirates boarded your ship how did they force you off?"
French Captain,Il a vert lightsabeur.
Cruise Attendant,Oui. Un lightsabeur
Deck Hand,Le lightsabeur terrible.
Paolo Captain,"Sir, the pirates appear to have forced the French crew off their boat with a lightsaber."
U.N. Leader,"My God, pirates are getting better-equipped every day! Gentlemen, I want the President of the United States on the phone. We can no longer fight the pirates on the seas. We have to take them out where they live."
Cartman,"What did I tell you, Butters? This is the good life, huh?  What's going on?"
Pirate 6,"""We have a hostage!"""
Pirate 7,"""Another American arrived on the bus!"""
Cartman,"Ahhh, good. A hostage will bring a fine ransom.  Well well well well well!"
Announcer,The is CNN... N.
Anchorman,Breaking news of yet another pirate crisis in Somalia. Members of NATO received word today that pirates have captured an American child and are demanding ten million Euros for his safe release. U.S Navy ships have been deployed and the pirate standoff is about to get ugly.
Cartman,Well well well well well well well well well Kyle! You came all this way to try and join my pirate club.
Kyle,"No, fatass, I came to get my brother! We all have to get out of here! It isn't safe."
Cartman,"""It isn't safe."" That's not what you said back in the cafeteria, Kyle. In the cafeteria you said Somalia was ""awesome."""
Kyle,I know! I was lying then!
Cartman,"Or are you lying now? So many lies, Kyle, you can't even keep them straight. You just couldn't stand that we were living in paradise while you were back home."
Kyle,"This isn't paradise and you know it! The people here are starving and dying! The whole world has used Somalia as a dumping ground for toxic waste. Even the fish here are radioactive!  Cartman, just give me my brother  and let us get out of here!"
Cartman,"Your brother is with Butters taking inventory of our latest plunder, Kyle. You... just sit tight till we hear about your ransom money, hmhmm."
Butters,"One box of Italian passports. One necklace, gold. Three crewmember watches."
Pirate 4,Ey excuse me. Can I ask you a question?
Butters,"Oh. Uhuh sure, Galeed."
Galeed,Why did you Americans come here?
Butters,"Well, 'cause our lives sucked back home! We had all these rules and homework."
Ike,"Yeah, homework."
Butters,And our parents hollered at us!
Ike,Yeah.
Butters,So we wanted to come here and be pirates.
Ike,Piewets!
Galeed,"But that's not what I do not understand. Why would anyone ""want"" to be a pirate?"
Butters,Huh?
Galeed,"Every day I dream that I can go to school. Learn about the world. But my mother, she is dyin' of AIDS, and there is no money for medicine. My father was killed trying to find food for us. Do you know how I feel every time we try to capture a boat? Scared. And not just scared because I might get killed, but scared because if I don't get something out of it, my family and friends are going to die. I don't want to be a pirate. I don't see how anybody would."
Ike,Oh my God.
Butters,"Jeez. Guess we kind of got put in our place, huh Ike?"
Ike,"I feel, like an asshole."
Butters,"Yeah, me too."
Cartman,"Go on! Walk the plank, you scurvy dog!"
Kyle,"Cartman, knock it off!"
Cartman,"That's Captain Cartman, you Jewswoggle!"
Pirate 6,"""Do you think all American kids are as crazy as these are?"""
Pirate 8,"""It's starting to look that way."""
Butters,"Eric! Hey Eric. Listen, we wanna go home."
Cartman,What?!
Butters,"Me and Ike, well, we've been talkin' and, well guys, we really had it pretty good back in America. I mean, sure, it's easy to think our lives are boring and full of rules, but a lot of people have it way worse. The pirate's life isn't a life of fun and adventure, it's a life of hardship and suffering. When you get down to it, well we were pretty lucky to have the lives we did."
Cartman,Clyde!
Clyde,I hate it here and I wanna go home!!
Cartman,"You guys cannot leave the pirate club now! How can you not want to stay in this paradise we've created?! In Somalia, people have no laws! They have no rules! And they never grow old!"
Kyle,They never grow old because they die before they're 30!
Cartman,"Nobody's goin' anywhere!! I'm the captain of this outfit!  To arms!  Now, is there any question who's in charge? I have an enire pirate crew willing to do anything for me!"
Pirate 5,"""Hey, what's that?"""
Commander,"Alright men, remember, do not hit the white ones!"
Cartman,Me and my crew are gonna go on piratin' forever!
Sniper,Clear.
Cartman,The FUCK?!
Gerald,You have been very very naughty!  You're a naughty girl!
Sheila,"Oh yes, Gerald! I've been so naughty!  Ah, oh, oh, oh jeez! Oh!"
Gerald,"What the?! ...Ike!  Ike, get back to bed right now!"
Ike,I'm scared. There's a ghost.
Gerald,"Uh not this again.  Ike, we are sick of you talking about ghosts!"
Ike,But Daddy I saw the-
Gerald,No buts! Get back to your room right now and don't come out! You got it?!
Sheila,"Gerald, what has gotten into him?"
Gerald,"Hoh, I don't know. I think maybe with all the news of famous people dying this summer, he he's just freaked himself out."
Billy Mays,"Hi, Billy Mays here for Megascrub Cleanser."
Ike,AAAAAAAAA!
Billy Mays,"Are you tired of your kitchen counters getting those nasty stains? Don't just rub 'em, Megascrub 'em!"
Ike,"Billy Mays, NO!"
Billy Mays,"Mold, mildew, even those impossible wine stains are gone in a flash when you snipe them away."
Ike,MMOOMMMYYY!  AAAAAA! Farrah Fawcett! Farrah Fawcett!  AAAAAA! David Carradine!
Billy Mays,"Hi, Billy Mays here for Mighty Mend It, the fast and easy way to mend, hem, and wear it again."
Ike,NOOOOO!
Kyle,"Ike! Ike, what?!"
Ike,"Make Billy Mays go away! Make Billy Mays go away!  Make him stop!  Make him stop, Kyle!"
Dr. Land,"Now Ike, your family is very worried about you. Ike, you can talk to me. I'm a therapist. Whatever has been troubling you, it's okay."
Ike,"No, it's... it's a secret."
Dr. Land,"Ike, tell me your secret. I promise not to tell anyone else."
Ike,I see dead... ce-le-bri-ties.
Dr. Land,"You mean, you see dead celebrities on TV? In the news?"
Ike,I see them walking around. They talk to me.
Dr. Land,Are you seeing any dead celebrities right now?
Ike,Just Ed McMahon.
Dr. Land,How often do you see dead celebrities?
Ike,All the time.
Cartman,"'Sup, Jew?"
Kyle,"Guys, Ike has gotten worse. I'm really worried about him. He says he's still seeing dead celebrities."
Cartman,HA! What a dumbass!
Kyle,"I don't know. Last night we found him hiding in the kitchen pantry. He was screaming the name ""Billy Mays"" over and over again."
Cartman,"Billy Mays? Billy Mays?!  Dude, you didn't tell us Ike was seeing Billy Mays!"
Kyle,What?
Cartman,Your little brother saw the ghost of Billy Mays?
Stan,"Dude, I don't even know who that is."
Cartman,"The guy on TV who had incredible things for people to buy? He died four months ago but they still show his commercials all the time? Oh, oh for the love of Christ, here!  Here here! This, this is him!"
Billy Mays,"Hi, Billy Mays here with another fantastic product. If you're like other Americans, you love to eat Chipotle , but you hate all those terrible bloodstains in your underwear ."
Man 1,I love Chipotle. But getting all the bloodstains out of my underwear is a nightmare.
Billy Mays,"Well now there's a product that can clean even bloodstains caused by Chipotle right off your underwear. Chipotl-away.  Just one Chipotle burrito  can leave up to a quarter cup of underwear blood , but Chipotl-away  makes your underwear clean  and ready for more.  Stop buying new underwear every time you eat Chipotle. That can cost you thousands. Chipotl-away gets rid of bloodstains and leaves underwear good as new.  Imagine having underwear so clean you can practically eat off of it."
Man 2,"Mmm, Chipotle."
Billy Mays,"Now you can eat all the Chipotle you want , and still have underwear that sparkles and shines . Order right now!"
Cartman,That product changed my life. It really works. I use it all the time.
Kyle,What?! Are you serious?!
Cartman,"Look Kyle, if there's even a chance that Billy Mays' soul is not at rest, then I wanna help however I can."
Kyle,"Dude, why the hell would you DO that?!"
Cartman,"Because he was a great person, Kyle."
Kyle,"NO, why the hell would you keep eating something that made you crap blood?!"
Cartman,"...Dude, have you had Chipotle? It's really good. You guys, we have to help Kyle's brother and get to the bottom of this. And I think I know just who to call..."
Announcer,On this episode of Ghost Hunters : a little boy in Colorado appears to be haunted by celebrities.  Now the Ghost Hunter team will roll out and get to the bottom of it. It's the gayest show in the fucking world; Ghost Hunters!
Jason,"Alright, tell us what we got this week, Kris."
Kris,We're going to Colorado to investigate celebrity paranorm-
Jason,"Wait, what? What was that? What was that?"
Grant,"I heard it too. It was like a, like a ...*pop*"
Jason,Is there a ghost here?
Jason,"Alright, so you say a little boy is seeing the ghosts?"
Kris,"Yeah, apparently only he is seeing them."
Jason,"Doyuh ssh ssh. What, what is that? Do you hear that?! There, there look. What is that? What is that?"
Grant,I think that's just a cigarette lighter.
Jason,"Oh, right, okay. May be."
Jason,We are now inside the house where the celebrity ghosts have been spotted. Whoa whoa what? What was that?
Kyle,What was what?
Jason,Did you hear that? It was like a... it was like a... dee.. Is there a spooky ghost here?? Uh LOOK. What is that? What is that??
Grant,I'm pretty sure that's their television.
Jason,"Oh man I am really scared.  Whoa whoa whoa whoa! What is this? What is this? There's a, there's a, a wetness coming from my pants!"
Grant,I see it!
Jason,W... what is it?!
Grant,Oh God I'm so scared!  I'm so scared.
Jason,"Look! Look, it's got you too!  Are you getting this? Make sure the camera is getting this. Definitely some paranormal activity!"
Grant,"It's warm, and moist. A warm moist sensation that's moving down my left thigh."
Jason,"Look, it's starting to form a, a a pool around the floor now. Are you getting this??"
Stan,Are you guys fucking serious?
Jason,"Oh God, the paranormal activity is now leaving a, a trail of some kind behind both of us!"
Grant,"Hoh! Something... hot, and and, warm is coming out the back of my pants now."
Jason,Oh it smells!
TAPS,AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Kyle,Ya see Ike? There's nothing. There's nothing for you to be afraid of.
Billy Mays,"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Big City Slider Station."
Kyle,"It's all just in your head, Ike."
Billy Mays,The fast and easy way to press and cook delicious sliders
Ike,AAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAA!!
Kyle,I just... don't understand it.
Stan,"It's gonna be alright, Kyle."
Kyle,"But, dude this doesn't make any sense. I mean, if you know it's going to make you crap blood, why wouldn't you at least just try eating less of it?"
Cartman,"Because, dude, that's what I'm saying. You have the Chipotlaway so it doesn't matter."
Kyle,"But of course it matters, because you should be concerned there's blood in your underwear.  Do you understand this?"
Stan,"Dude, I don't understand at all. I eat Chipotle all the time and it never made me crap blood."
Cartman,"Ohh well how nice for you, Stan. It's great you've got a golden rectum of the gods, but the rest of us need Chipotlaway."
Dr. Carroll,"Well boys, little Ike is stable, but the celebrity ghosts appear to have sent him into some kind of coma."
Stan,"Whoa whoa wait, there really are ghosts?"
Dr. Carroll,"Well of course there really are ghosts. Haven't you seen that show Ghost Hunters? But I'm a pediatric doctor, so I'm going to hand this off to Dr. Phillips, who specializes in spooky things."
Dr. Phillips,"The ghosts of these celebrities are at deep unrest. I've never sensed anything like it.  I believe these celebrity ghosts are still roamin' the world, reachin' out through the child because they are lost in purgatory."
Kyle,Purgatory? What's that?
Dr. Phillips,"Sometimes when people die, they can't quite accept what has happened to them. And so before they reach the afterlife, they go to a place called ""purgatory."" It is a temporary plane of existence. It's neither heaven, nor hell. Purgatory is like... being on an airplane that's waiting to take off, but you're still sitting at the gate. And even though the plane isn't taking off, they won't let you back off the plane. And you can't get up to go to the bathroom, because you're on an active runway. All these dead celebrities are sittin' on the plane waiting and wantin' to move on, but for whatever reason, they are stuck without any information, even from the pilot, how much longer it's going to be, and it's taking forever. And they aren't serving any drinks yet. It's like, a terrifying limbo."
Cartman,Oh my God... poor Billy Mays...
Dr. Phillips,"I am speakin to the celebrities that are hauntin' this child. If any spirit can hear my voice, make your presence known."
Billy Mays,"Hi, Billy Mays here with another fantastic product."
Cartman,Billy Mays!  It's him!
Billy Mays,Are you tired of having to put your toilet seat down?
Cartman,"Yes! Yes I am, Billy Mays!"
Walter Cronkite,"No! Be quiet, Billy Mays! Somebody is trying to contact us!"
Dr. Phillips,To which celebrity am I addressin' now?
Walter Cronkite,"This, is Walter Cronkite."
Dr. Phillips,All you celebrities need to know that you have passed on.
Farrah Fawcett,We know that!
DJ AM,Yeah! Of course we know that!
Patrick Swayze,There's only one person here who's not cooperating!
Walter Cronkite,That's right! Now just admit you're dead and sit down!
Michael Jackson,"...No, that's ignorant! I'm not dead."
Stan,Uh oh.
Walter Cronkite,You are dead!
Michael Jackson,"No, I just have a skin condition."
Dr. Phillips,"Boys, quickly! Convince Michael Jackson that he's dead."
Kyle,What?
Dr. Phillips,He's in denial. He's been in denial all his life. Now tell him or you're gonna lose your little brother.
Kyle,"Mister... Jackson, y-you aren't alive. You're in purgatory."
Michael Jackson,"Nooo, you're being ignorant. I'm alive. And I'm a child. And I'm white."
Kyle,"Mr. Jackson, please, you're causing a lot of problems."
Billy Mays,"Hi, Billy Mays here for the Super Sweeper."
The Boys (except Cartman) and Dr. Phillips,"Shut up, Billy Mays!"
Stan,"You're dead, Mr. Jackson!"
Michael Jackson,"No, that's, that's just ignorant."
Stan,Accept it!
Michael Jackson,AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Dr. Phillips,He's in too much denial!  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Kyle,"Ike! Ike! Wake up buddy! Wake up! Ike, you've gotta wake up, please!  Eh there you go. That's good.  Oh Ike. I thought I lost you, little brother."
Ike,"Nooo. No, that's ignorant.  Oh look everyone, I told you I was alive."
Kyle,Hey! What the hell are you doing inside my little brother?!
Ike,"Wee, I'm a child!  I knew I was a child. See? Come on, let's play! Let's go climb a tree!"
Kenny,"(Holy shit, dude!)"
Kyle,Comoe back here!
Kyle,Hey! Heeey!
Ike,"Come on, let's climb the tree! Hee hee!"
Stan,"Mr. Jackson, you can't do this! This is not your body!"
Ike,"Noo, I'm a little white child. Let's play!  Hee! Hee hee!  Hee hee hee!"
Kyle,"Dude, asshole, you're keeping a lot of other celebrities in purgatory!"
Cartman,Including the late and very talented Billy Mays!
Ike,"No, that's ignorant. People are just ignorant and they lie and spread rumors about me. Like, that I'm dead. But if I was dead, how could I do this?  Hoo! Dawdaby daw! Shamon!"
Kyle,What the hell are we going to do??
Ike,Jou know! Jou know it! Hee hee!
Ed McMahon,"Come on, this is ridiculous! How much longer do we have to sit in purgatory?!"
Passengers,Come on! Come on! This is ridiculous! Come on!
Flight Attendant,"Ladies and gentlemen, we thank you for your patience. I've been informed that we are going to be delayed at least another 96 hours"
Passengers,AWWWWWWWW!
DJ AM,"Yo, you can't just keep people stuck like this, man!"
Flight Attendant,"We know that you are all excited to cross over to the next plane, but for now you have to stay on this one."
Walter Cronkite,That's it! I have to go to the bathroom!
Flight Attendant,"Sir, you have to stay in your seat with your seatbelt fastened!"
Walter Cronkite,You've been saying that for three months now!
Stan,"Alright, let's see: demonic ghosts, animal ghosts...  ...setting traps for ghosts, no..."
Kyle,"Okay, here's the one part that really makes no sense to me:  the first time you saw blood stains on your underwear, were you alarmed?"
Cartman,Was I alarmed?  Yes.  I believe I was.
Kyle,So then why do you just ignore it using something as stupid as Chipotaway?
Cartman,"Chipotlaway, Kyle. And I'm not the one who uses it, my mom does. She does the laundry."
Kyle,Your mom... uses Chipotlaway... to clean blood stains... out of your underwear?
Cartman,Yes!
Kyle,"And then takes you to Chipotle, and buys you more?"
Cartman,"Yes, Kyle, it's totally normal!  People do this stuff! You know, not everyone can be the boy with the golden butthole!"
Stan,Here here here it is: possession by a ghost. A ghost that enters and then refuses to leave a living host has done so because it failed in the living world to be what it wanted to be. The ghost must be allowed to transform and be recognized by the living as what it always tried to be.
Kyle,What has Michael Jackson always tried to be?
Cartman,A child... and a female. And white.
Ike,"Oh lookie, it's a planet. Hee hee hee."
Stan,So he wants to finally be accepted by the living as a little white girl.
Kyle,"Well what the hell are we gonna do? Dress him up in a princess gown and, and parade him around like the parents on those awful child pageants?"
MC,Hello. First up we have the beautiful Miss Jessica.
Jessica's Mom,Alright Jessica! Woohoo!
MC,"Jessica enjoys ridin' her horse Marley and doin' her nails with her sisters. Next, contestant number 26, Miss Brandy"
Brandy's Mom,Yeah Brandy! Work it girl!
MC,Brandy likes ice cream and playing with her cat Sunshine.
Brandy's Mom,"Don't forget to blow a kiss to the judges, Brandy."
MC,"And now welcome contestant number 27, little Miss Michael Jackson."
Kyle,"Go on by, Michael."
Cartman,Yeah yeah rah work it Michael work it!
Stan,Yeahhhh!
MC,"Michael says she just enjoys being a child. She loves to play and climb trees, and thinks people who don't are ignorant."
Ike,Ignorant.
Cartman,God I hope this works.
Billy Mays,"Hi, Billy Mays here for the little Country Handy Pillow. Are you tired of sitting in limbo? Lost somewhere between planes of existence? Well now there's a product that can help you-"
Walter Cronkite,Will somebody shut his fucking mouth?! I can't take it anymore!
Patrick Swayze,"This is bad enough without having to constantly listen to you try and sell your stupid crap, Mays!"
Billy Mays,"With just two easy steps, I can climb over these seats and kick you right in the fucking balls!"
David Carradine,That does it. We are not gonna just sit here anymore! We want some Goddamned answers!
Walter Cronkite,Why isn't anybody telling us anything?!
Pilot,Well ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking.
Walter Cronkite,Well it's about fucking time!
Pilot,Certainly want to uhhh thank you for all your patience. We know that you're eager to uhhhh get going and we will certainly pass on any information uhhhhh as it becomes uhhhhhh more available.
DJ AM,But yo! Yo Michael Jackson isn't even here anymore! He's gone! We should be able to move on now!
Flight Attendant,"Yes, but as we all know, Mr. Jackson had a LOT of baggage, and he checked some of that baggage in, so a crew has to go through all the baggage and get his off of purgatory before we can push back from the gate."
Passengers,AWWWWWWWW!
Ike,Did I do good in the swimsuit category? I'm worried that little doodoohead brunette girl was prettier than me.
Stan,"Excuse me, uh, if you could do us a favor and pleeease just vote for little Miss Jackson? It's really important."
Kylie's Mom,It's more important for my little Kylie. Just look at this face.
Kylie,"Mommy, that hurts my cheek implants."
MC,"All right, thank you Miss Cassie. And now for her talent portion, Miss Michael Jackson is gonna sing for us."
Ike,I'm just a little girl. Hee hee. A dainty little thing.And I know you all want to be a little white girl like me. Shamohn! Hee hee hee.  Hohhh
Stan,"Dude, the two male judges love her."
Kenny,(Yeah.)
An Officer,"All right, that's about enough!"
Kyle,Aww crap!
Cartman,"Hey, what the F?!"
MC,"All right everyone, the judge will now tally her final scores."
Kyle,We're totally screwed!  They took the two best judges away!
Stan,"Yeah, there's no way that lady judge is voting for us. She was glaring the entire time."
Heidi's Mom,"You'll win for sure, Heidi. You know how much that judge adores you."
Kyle,"Aw dide, this is hopeless!"
Kenny,(Son of a stinking bitch!)
Cartman,"Wait wait! Wait, look at the lady judge.  She's eating Chipotle."
Kyle,So what?!
Cartman,"So maybe she doesn't know.  Maybe she doesn't know, Kyle! Excuse me, Ma'am, I see you're eating Chipotle."
Lady Judge,"Oh yes, it's my favorite fast food. I would eat it every day, except I-..."
Cartman,Except! You can't afford buying all the new underwear?
Lady Judge,"How did you know-... Look, it doesn't matter.  I'm just gonna have to give it up."
Cartman,What if you didn't have to give it up?
Lady Judge,Excuse me?
Cartman,I think... you and I might be able to help each other here today.
MC,"And now, it is time to announce our Grand Little Miss. Little Miss Michael Jackson."
Kyle,Yeah!
Cartman,Yeah!
Stan,Woohoo!
Cartman,Good job Ike!
Heidi,"I'm sorry I didn't win, Mommy."
Ike,"Thank you so much for this award. Of all the awards I've ever won, this one means the most. I feel like... I'm finally at rest. I'm finally at rest! I'm free!  Holy shit! What the heck am I wwwearing?"
Kyle,"Ike!  Ike, you're back!"
Ike,"Kyle, what the heck is going on?"
Kyle,"It's okay, Ike, you're going to be... okay."
Cartman,"Yes. Thanks to us and Chipotlaway, the spirits of the celebrities can now rest."
Michael Jackson,"Wee, I'm free! I'm free!"
Farrah Fawcett,Hey he's here! He's here!
Bea Arthur,"Oh, finally."
Others,He's here! He's back!
Flight Attendant,"All right everyone, it looks like we are all ready to move on."
Michael Jackson,Did you all see my crown?
Billy Mays,Finally! Finally we can all move on!
Flight Attendant,"All right, everyone, I'd like to be the first to welcome you to the gates of Hell. Unfortunately, Hell is a tow-in gate."
Passengers,AWWWWWWWW!
Cartman,"Alright cool, guys, gather all around. Everyone should be a witness to this.  Alright, you ready? Now say ""I'm a dork, and I deserve what's coming to me."" Come on, dude, ""I'm a dork, and I deserve what's coming to me."""
Butters,"I'm a dork, and I deserve what's coming to me.  Ow."
Cartman,"Alright, your turn Craig."
Butters,"Fellas, my underwear is so far up my buttcrack my legs are numb!"
Cartman,Well that's what you get for being a douchebag again Butters! You gotta take your medicine.
Butters,"Uyeah, I guess I deserve it."
Stan,"Hey heeey, what the hell are you guys picking on Butters for this time?!"
Cartman,"Aw dude, you guys are not gonna believe this. You know what we just found out? Well it turns out that Butters, our Butters, has never kissed a girl"
Butters,Uugh!
Kyle,So what?
Butters,So what?!  So I'm almost nine years old and anyone who hasn't kissed a girl by fourth grade is a dork!
Craig,That's right.
Clyde,"You guys, we got it!  We got it. Sally Darson is selling kisses for five dollars."
Butters,Sellin' kisses?
Clyde,She hangs out behind the temp building during afternoon recess. She'll kiss any boy that pays her.
Butters,You mean I'm... gonna kiss a girl... today?
Clyde,So then when she sticks her tongue out you just kind of lick it with your tongue.
Butters,"Oh boy, I sure am nervous."
Cartman,"Nothin' to be nervous about, Butters. You're finally going to become a man today."
Kyle,"Butters, I think you should reconsider this."
Butters,"Uh, how come?"
Kyle,"Dude, you don't want your first kiss to be something you paid for. It's supposed to be special."
Cartman,"Oh God, why don't you sit under a rainbow and write a poem, Kyle?"
Butters,I gotta do this! I gotta know what it feels like!
Butters,"Oh boy... Oh jeez, oh, stay calm Butters... Eh, how was it?"
Francis,Pretty worth it.
Jimmy,"Go ahead, Bu-Butters. Go- go get some."
Butters,"I'm going!  Ohh...  Oh, hi."
Sally,Hey.
Butters,"So ummm yeah, ah, I was hopin' maybe I could get a kiss."
Sally,"Okay, cool."
Butters,"Yeah, cool, uhhhm... umuh... okay."
Sally,So you got money?
Butters,"Oh, money... Rrright.  There you go. A five dollar bill, all for you."
Sally,"All right, you ready?"
Butters,Thank you!
Cartman,Atta boy Butters!
Tweek,You did it!
Jimmy,You're a man now! All right Butters good job!
Token,"Good job, Butters!"
Butters,"Boy oh boy. I finally did it. I'm a man now.  Jeez, I'm gonna start havin' lots of responsibilities soon. I gotta start thinkin' about a career. There's gonna be family and bills to start worrying about. M-no more play time for you, Butters! You gotta buckle down and find, and find yourself a way to make money.  Hey, I know."
Butters,"Hey fellers! Fellers, do you like gettin' kisses? 'Cause I know a girl that'll give you a great kiss for just five dollars!"
Scott,She'll kiss anybody?
Butters,"Sure, Scott! Even if you got diabetes!"
Scott,Wow.  It's almost like having someone care about you.
Sally,"Jeez Butters, thanks for bringing me yet another customer. Here's your two dollar cut again."
Butters,"Boy oh boy, this sure is great! I've been thinkin', Sally: I could probably drum up some third grade customers if you could do kisses before school too. We could make double the money."
Sally,"Oh, that'd be great, but I can't do kisses before school. I have swimming class."
Butters,"Aww nuts!  Well, I did have another idea. What if we got another girl to fill in for you sometimes?"
Sally,What?
Butters,"Well, you know, we bring someone on, show her what to do, and then share all our money together."
Sally,"Wow, you're right Butters. I should start expanding."
Butters,We could have our very own...  kissin' company.
Butters,"The next key to a successful business is ""innovation."" I think maybe we need to understand that some boys simply can't afford the five dollars for a kiss, so what if we start also charging just two dollars for a hug?"
Sally,"Wow, that's a great idea, Butters."
Butters,"Why thanks. Sally, I think your position behind the temp building at recess is perfect. Megan, I'm thinkin' about moving you to the baseball field after school during little league practice."
Megan,Got it.
Butters,"I got a kissing booth set up at the kids' fair on Saturday so Kayla and Ashley, you take turns there. Any girl that sells more than twenty kisses gets  a little sunshine, but if you don't show up for work at all, I'm afraid you get a stormy cloud."
Sally,This is gonna be great!
Murphy,"Sir! Sir, take a look at this. We've got rumors coming in of a possible ""prostitution company"" starting up in South Park."
Yates,"What?!  Hohoo, not in my county!"
Murphy,"We've got no information on the prostitutes, don't know who they are or where they came from."
Yates,So then we need to go after the johns. We need to let the men of this town know that if they paid for sex they're going to jail!
Murphy,"Sting operation, sir?"
Yates,"We need an undercover cop disguised as a prostitute, so we can arrest any citizens looking for cheap thrills!"
Yates,"Hey baby, you looking for a party?"
Driver,Ha... how much are you charging?
Yates,"Twenty for oral, fifty for half and half, anal will cost you extra."
Driver,Aww- get in.
Yates,"Right here's good, sexy.  Now if you wouldn't mind handing over the twenty dollars for oral sex."
Driver,Ok-okay.
Yates,"All right, buddy!... Go ahead and unbutton your pants.  All right! Here we go."
Driver,"Aw... Aw yeah. Oh man oh... Ohh! Aw-aw-AWWW-aw. AW-aw. Oh, s-sorry I was so quick."
Yates,"Oh that's all right.  Nothing wrong with a-FREEZE!  You're busted, buddy! I'm a cop!"
Driver,Awhuh! What?!
Yates,"This is a sting operation, scumbag, and you're going to jail for soliciting prostitution.  Got our first one, boys. I'm bringing him in for booking."
Kyle,Did you guys hear what's going on? There's like four girls at the school now offering to kiss boys for money.
Stan,"Yeah, I heard that now even Stacey Anderson is selling kisses."
Kenny,(Stacey Anderson?)
Butters,Hey fellas. Would anyone like a coupon. We're offerin' two for one kisses today through Thursday.
Stan,"Butters, you're the one doing all this?"
Butters,Yep! I am founder and head CEO of the Butters Kissing Company. Just look at this.
Cartman,"Damn dude, you made all that money offa chicks?"
Butters,"I'm tellin' ya guys, this is the most genius idea I've ever come up with. A lot of boys would pay to kiss my employees."
Kyle,"You didn't think of anything, Butters! Guys have been doing what you're doing for years! You're nothin' but a common pimp!"
Butters,...A pimp. Huh...
Butters,"Bohy, Kyle was right, Sally. There's guys with kissing companies all over the country. ""The person managing all the women is known as the 'pimp,' while the working women are referred to as 'ho' or 'bitch.'"" Oh, you're a bitch, Sally."
Sally,Oh.
Butters,"Hey, look at this! There's about to be a big pimp convention, it looks like. I gotta get to that convention, Sally. I could learn all kinds of stuff for our company."
Butters,"Hi there. My name is Butters. This sure is a nice convention, huh? Yeah, I'm just starting out. I really came last minute 'cause I was hoping to learn more about being a successful pimp."
Bishop,You? You be pimpin?
Butters,"Yeah, just about a week now. I have four girls at the moment, but I feel like I could be doing a better job."
Bishop,"Now see, you think you're a pimp, but you can't be pimpin', know what I'm sayin'? You wanna be a pimp, then you gotta learn the game. See it's all about knowin' the game."
Butters,What's the game?
Bishop,"The game is how you treat the bitches, know what I'm sayin'? Bitch gotta know when she out there, she makin' yo' muthafuckin' money, know what I'm sayin'? You got yo' main bitch, know what I'm sayin'? That be your ""bottom bitch."" That bitch rank higha than all the other bitches but she still a bitch, know what I'm sayin'?"
Butters,Yes I- I know what you are saying. You don't have to keep asking.
Pimp 2,"See it's all about mind control. You gotta act a punk. Any man can control a bitch's heart, but a pimp gotta control a bitch's mind, know what I'm sayin'?"
Butters,I know what you're saying.
Pimp 2,"Pimp gotta be out there every motherfuckin' day keepin' his bitches in line. Can't let 'em go shoppin', spendin' their money on stupid shit. Bitches gotta think that's your motherfuckin money, know what I'm sayin'?"
Butters,Yeah! I believe I know what you are saying!
Stephen,"There you are, Butters!"
Butters,Hey Dad!
Stephen,"Butters, we heard a rumor that you might have a little girlfriend?  Sally Darson?"
Butters,"Aw hell Dad, I got lots of girlfriends. Sally's just my bottom bitch.  Do you know what I am saying?"
Driver 2,"I've got to tell you I... I don't do this kind of thing very often. You're sure you're not a cop, right?"
Yates,"No way! Let's just get to this, baby."
Driver 2,Alright.
Yates,"So, you are agreeing to have sex with me for one hundred dollars, correct?"
Driver 2,"Sure, I have the money right here."
Murphy,"Remember, he's going to give us the code word to move in. Wait for the code word, ""stretch."""
Officer,"Code word is ""stretch,"" copy?"
Yates,"Oh yeah, yeah, get those pants down."
Driver 2,"Oh, you feel good."
Yates,"Oh, you're a nasty little fuck, aren't you? Yeah, let me see that hot penis of yours. Oh yeah, nice. Yeah, I'm ready when you are."
Driver 2,Oh yes. That's great.
Yates,"Yeah, you like it?"
Driver 2,"Oh, I love it!"
Yates,"Yeah, you're a dirty fuck!"
Yates,"Yeah, come on! Harder! Deeper!"
Driver 2,Oh yeah!  Oh yeah!
Yates,"Yeah, teach me a lesson, daddy!"
Yates,Teach this little whore a lesson!
Driver 2,Yeah! Yeah!
Yates,"Yeah, that's right!"
Driver 2,"Awww, awwwww, awwwwoh!  Awh.  Oh, oh man!  Thank you! That was great."
Yates,"Yeah, you really worked it, Daddy. You really gave my little hole quite a...  STRETCH."
Murphy,"Uhhh, that, that's it. Move in!"
Driver 2,Oh God! It's the police!
Yates,"Freeze!  You are under arrest for soliciting prostitution! Book him, boys!"
Driver 2,Please! Please don't do this! I have a wife and kids!
Yates,"A wife and kids. And you're out here trollin' the streets for prostitutes. You make me sick! Take him downtown, boys. I'm goin' back on the street."
Groundskeeper,That's it recess is over back to class.
Kids,Aaaaaaah.
Butters,"Boy oh boy, really great work, bitches. You all sold lots of kisses today. Except for you, Megan, I'm afraid you get a stormy cloud sticker today."
Ashley,"So wait, you're keeping all the money now?"
Butters,"I just hold on to all the money, 'cause bitches can't be trusted with it. We pool all the kissing money together, see? But if you wanna buy anything, you just talk to the bottom bitch , and then the bottom bitch talks to me. Alright, see you after school!  Do you know what I am saying?"
Mr. Garrison,"Alright children, I want you to copy down these math problems and solve them before recess."
Butters,"Yo, Bebe. Bebe yo."
Bebe,What?
Butters,Bitch you wanna make some motherfuckin' money?
Bebe,What?!
Butters,"Bitch you should be doin' kisses on the playground. You can make fifty bucks a day! Buy all the purses and shoes that you've ever wanted. I'll treat you right, bitch."
Bebe,Shut up!
Butters,"Oh, alright then.  Hey Wendy. Wendy!  Bitch, don't you wanna start makin' some real fuckin' money?"
Wendy,Leave me alone.
Butters,"Why you were made for the playground, bitch. You should be out there workin'. Don't you want a new lunch box? Nice new coat? I can get all that for you, bitch."
Stan,Butters. Dude!
Butters,What?
Stan,You can't call my girlfriend a bitch!
Butters,Oh. Well all I'm sayin' the bitch should be out there workin' is all.  Whatcha doin' bitch? Just givin' kisses to Stan for free? Why you should be makin' some motherfuckin' money!
Wendy,Stan!
Stan,"Butters, seriously, if you don't stop this I'll kick your ass!"
Butters,"Clyde, here's a hundred bucks. If Stan comes near me, punch him."
Clyde,Wow wee.
Cartman,"Dude, we've created a monster."
Butters,"Come on Wendy, you should be puttin' that mouth to work."
Mr. Garrison,"Butters! Butters, do you have a problem?!"
Butters,"All these bitches are kissin' fellers, and they haven't figured out that they can be making some serious fuckin' money!"
Butters,"Really glad you joined the company, Annie! Now remember: you're chargin' five dollars for a kiss, two for a hug, and six for half and half. Alright bitch? Alright, how about a freebie?  Ohwoah,  whoopie!"
Kyle,"Butters, I really think we should talk."
Butters,"Sure, Kyle."
Kyle,"Butters, can't you see this is wrong? You've got little boys all over school spending all their lunch money on kisses. Boys shouldn't be paying for kisses. It's wrong."
Butters,"Kyle, every boy pays for kisses. Do you know what I am saying? If you've got a girl, and she kisses you, sooner or later you're paying for it. You've gotta take her out to lunch, take her to a movie, and then spend time listenin' to all her stupid problems. Look, look at Stan right there.  He's gotta sit there and listen to her stupid motherfuckin' problems 'cause she kisses him. If you ask me, that's a lot more than the five dollars my company charges."
Kyle,"Butters, what's happened to you?"
Butters,"What happened is that I became a man! I'm sorry I'm not your little buddy anymore, but there's a time people have to grow up!  Do you know what I am saying?!"
Frat Boy 1,"Alpha Tau Omega, woo!"
Frat Boy 2,ATOs!
Frat Boy 3,"Alright, ATOs, our little Kevin is twenty one today!  And so, Kevin, we would like to welcome you to manhood. Our gift to you."
Frat Boys,Eewwww!
Singer,"Suckin' on my titties like you wanted me,Calling me all the time like Blondie.Check out my Chrissie behind,It's fine all of the time.Like sex on the beaches,What else is in the teaches of peaches?Huh, what?"
Yates,"Give it to me! Come on, you sissies, I can fit more of ya!  Yeah, you like your little stripper whore?! You like her?! FREEZE!  Take them all to the station, for oral and anal sex with a prostitute! Half of them didn't even use a condom!  Don't you stupid kids know the diseases you can catch?! Hand me that evidence bag."
Murphy,"Sir, sssome of us are wwwondering if maybe y-you're not... taking this role a bit far?"
Yates,"What?! No way! Nothing is more important than keeping prostitution out of our community!  Oh, hold on, that's my daddy.  Hey Daddy."
Bishop,"Where you at, bitch? I need my bottom bitch right now."
Yates,"Ye-yes, Daddy, I'm on my way."
Bishop,"I made you my bottom bitch, now you gotta take care of yo' pimp, know what I'm sayin'?"
Yates,"Be right there. Sorry guys, my daddy needs me right now."
Black Bitch,Damn bitch! Yo' pimp beat yo' ass again?
White Bitch,He's an asshole.
Black Bitch,"You know, I heard a rumor about some new pimp up in Park County. They say he's real respectful; lots of girls switching over to him."
White Bitch,A pimp that respects his hos? Sign my ass up.
Butters,And that's... three thousand dollars today for Charise.
Charise,"Did I do good, Daddy?"
Butters,"REALLY great work, bitch! That is another...  sunshine sticker for you."
Charise,"Thank you, Daddy."
Butters,Mmmwhoa boy!
Butters,"And so, I would like to see if there are any housing loan opportunities for some of my employees, and also what kind of corporate tax I should be filing under."
Receptionist,And exactly what kind of business are you running?
Butters,It's a kissing company.
Receptionist,And you're making a profit?
Butters,"Oh sure! My black employee Charise over there, one time she made two thousand dollars, on one customer! Can you believe it? Two thousand dollars just to kiss a feller. She currently stays in a motel room, 'cause a lot of her customers see her late.  You wouldn't believe the time of night some fellers wanna kiss."
Receptionist,"Do you keep any record of the men getting these ""kisses""?"
Butters,"'Course. My bottom bitch keeps a database of all our customers, specially the VIPs, like Senator Morris."
Receptionist,Senator Morris?
Butters,Sure! Senator Morris gets kisses every day at lunchtime. You know where he likes to get kissed?
Receptionist,Where?
Butters,In a motel room. Darnedest thing. He must get sleepy.
Receptionist,"Alright, get out of here!"
Butters,Huh? Why?
Receptionist,I'm not falling for it!
Butters,But I heard ACORN helps pimps and their bitches!
Receptionist,We aren't giving you anything; get out!
Boss,"Mrs. Davis, is there some kind of problem?"
Receptionist,Eh no sir.
Butters,Heey! Mr. Daniels! You get kisses from my bitch Roxy in the alley behind Sizzler.
Butters,"Boy, how do you like that, bitches? Approval for two housing loans and tax-exempt status. File these away, Sally."
Sally,Okay.
Charise,"Ubup. Daddy, how come this ho get to be bottom bitch?"
Sally,What?
Charise,"I make the most money for you Daddy, that means if anyone should be bottom bitch, it's me."
Sally,"Hey, screw off, ho."
Charise,"Fair is fair, ho."
Butters,"Whoa whoa, bitches, bitches!"
Yates,"Excuse me!  Well well well, this must be the organization I've been hearing so much about. Took me a long time to find you. You won't believe the hardships I've been through trying to track you down. My name is Yolanda. I'd like to know all about your operation here. You see I just left my pimp recently and I'm looking for a new one?"
Butters,"Oh. Well we operate on a sixty-forty split here. Bitches have access to Medicare and now, low-income housing loans."
Yates,"Well, I think that's about all I need to hear."
Bishop,Yolanda!  Yolanda!
Butters,What's that?
Bishop,Yolanda please! You gotta come back to me! I got nothin' without you!
Yates,"You've got a lot of nerve coming here, Keshawn! After the way you treated me? I need a pimp that doesn't beat me every time he gets drunk!"
Bishop,"Yolanda, I looove you. I need you. Not as my bottom bitch. I want...  I want to marry you."
Yates,"It's too late for that, Keshawn! I just told this pimp I was his bitch now."
Butters,"Well wait, hold on now. Why I'd never get in the way of somebody being happy. Well us pimps gotta be good. Even to each other."
Bishop,"Thanks, pimp. You done changed the game, that's what you did.  Marry me Yolanda? We'll move to a little château in Switzerland and get away from all this."
Yates,Oh Keshawn!
Butters,Wha? Awww.
Bishop,I love you so much.
Yates,"Babe, I love you too."
Bishop,"So much, baby."
Yates,"Let's, uh, let's just be happy okay?"
Bishop,"Promise, babe. Promise."
Butters,"Oh, oh.  Oh jeez."
Butters,"Gals. Gals, could you all come gather round? Gather round, gals; take a knee.  Gals, I... well I'm afraid I can't do this anymore. I'm gonna be leavin' the company. Well I enjoyed being your pimp and all, it's just that... when I see real love, like what those two people have, well, well it just makes me feel like a... well, like a dick. Well I may be a man now, but it doesn't mean I have the right to be earnin' money for what girls do, whether you're chargin' fellers for kisses by cash or by makin' them listen to your stupid motherfuckin' problems. Well that's your hard work. Bitches, this is your company now, so get out there, and make yourselves some motherfuckin' money!"
Bishop,Happy anniversary baby.  Do you like 'em?
Yates,"I love 'em, darling."
Bishop,I wanted to get you something extra-special.
Yates,"Well hold on. I've got something for you too, my love. I just put it right over here by the...  FREEZE!! Ha! You're busted, buddy! I'm a cop!"
John Cena,"Say that again, Edge! You think you're better than me?!"
Edge,"Cena, your mouth has gotten you in trouble for the last time! I'm gonna shut it up for you!"
Spectators,Oooooooooooooooooooooo!
Darryl Weathers,"Bust him up, Edge!"
Obese Woman,Kick his ass! WOO!
John Cena,"Oh yeah?! I've got somethin' else to tell you, Edge! I slept with Vanessa last night."
Redneck 1,Cena slept with Edge's girlfriend?
Cartman,"Oh my God, this is just sooo awesome!"
Stan,I'm having the best time!
Edge,"You cheated, and took my belt from me, and now I can't hardly get work wrestling! You took muh girl AND you took my job!"
Darryl Weathers,He took his job!
Redneck 2,He took his jrrr?
Redneck 3,Took hid drrr!
Cartman,"Oh, sweet!"
Edge,Whoa...
Butters,Yes! Yehhehehes!
Cartman,This is awesome!
Cartman,Dude! That was so badass!
Kyle,Wrestling is awesome!
Stan,This is it you guys! We know what our calling in life is now. Tomorrow we are signing up for wrestling class!
Cartman,The fuck is this?!
Stan,Why did they have us put on long underwear.
Kyle,"Well ah I guess in wrestling we're supposed to make our own outfit, and then wear it over this."
Butters,"Ohhh. Yeah, that makes sense."
Kyle,"Alright, so did everyone settle on their wrestling names?"
Cartman,I did. I'm the Rad Russian.  I come from Russian to crush your puny capitalist heads!
Coach,Alright boys! I'm really glad to see we have some new recruits interested in the fine sport of wrassling.
Kyle,Cool!
Stan,Yeah!
Butters,Let's do this!
Cartman,All right!
Coach,"Now, the first thing we're gonna learn today are the fundamental wrassling holds. Let's get some volunteers. Uh why don't come over here young man? What's your name?"
Cartman,The Rad Russian.
Coach,What?
Cartman,"You capitalist swine, I'll crush you!"
Coach,"Okay uh, just go ahead and get on your hands and knees."
Cartman,Huh?
Coach,"Just, down on, down on the floor.  Hands and knees."
Cartman,Okay...
Coach,Alright and now how about you. Your name is?
Butters,Triceratops!
Coach,"Uh, all right, uh cu, come on over here. I'm gonna position you in the official wrassling starting position.  Here- we- go."
Cartman,The fuck is this?!
Coach,Now just reach around him here. Good.
Cartman,Dude! Dude! DUDE!  The fuck are you doing?!
Coach,Get back on the floor! I'm teaching the starting position of wrassling!
Cartman,"That's not wrestling, dude, that's fucking gay!"
Stan,"Yeah, what are you? A child molester?"
Kyle,Where's all the cool costumes and jumping off ropes and stuff?!
Coach,"Oh, not this again! Let me guess: you just went to that stupid WWE show in Denver last night!"
The Boys,Yeah!
Coach,"Ugh.  The WWE is not wrassling! That's a bunch of fake bullcrap! How stupid are you! Real wrassling, boys, is this!"
Cartman,"Well this is fucking lame dude! Let's get the hell out of here, guys."
Stan,"Yeah, this guy probably wants to take pictures of us naked."
Butters,"I got, half a mind to report, r-report you to the police, sir!"
Coach,Rrrgh!
Cartman,"The Wrestling Takedown Federation has several matches planned today. Alright, sooo, here's how we'll do this, guys. I'll come out to the ring first and then Jimmy, you come in and tell me you're gonna kick my ass. Then I'm gonna say ""You slept with my girlfriend,"" and I'll charge you into a head slap."
Jimmy,Sounds good.
Cartman,"Then Butters, you come in as the ref all like ""No no, the fight hasn't started yet,"" and that's when Jimmy sneaks up from behind and hits me over the head with a foldaway chair."
Butters,Okey doke.
Jimmy,So is that when I t- tell you that your girlfriend is a whore?
Cartman,"Noo, let's save the ""girlfriend is a whore"" line until after Stan headbutts Butters for trying to stop the fight again."
Butters,"Hmboy, wrestling sure is fun!"
Cartman,"Alright are you ready to try this, guys?"
Stan,Yup.
Cartman,"Alright, let's start wrestlin'."
Jimmy,I am gonna k-kick your ass!
Cartman,"You slept with my girlfriend, Hammerclaw!"
Butters,"Hey! No! No, the fight hasn't started yet. No, bad."
Cartman,"Hey! He slept with my girlfriend, referee! In my country we don't wait for a bell, miste- ah!"
Jimmy,Your girlfriend is a whore!
Cartman,"Wait for it, wait for the whore line."
Jimmy,"Oh, I'm sorry."
Token,"You're gonna get it now, Hammerclaw!"
Stan,We'll see about that!
Butters,Now hold on! I am stopping the fight!  Eoh!
Redneck 4,What's goin' on?
Redneck 5,Apparently that crippled kid slept with that Russian kid's girlfriend.
Redneck 4,Jeez they're so young.
Kyle,"I'll kill you, Triceratops! You made fun of my crippled mother!"
Butters,"That's because your mother betrayed my mothers, Juggernaut!"
Stan,You don't come to this country and make fun of it!
Cartman,And just vhat do you care about your pitiful country?!
Stan,I served my country! I fought for two years in Vietnam.
Redneck 6,"That kid was in 'Nam? Man, that's incredible!"
Redneck 7,Good for you for serving your country!
Redneck 8,"Guys, check this out! There's this little kid from the Congo, who was raised by panthers!"
Redneck 9,Are you serious?
Kyle,"Just admit it, Congo! Admit that you lied about me to Irene!"
Token,I admit nothing! Maybe Irene lied to you!
Redneck 10,That kid in the hat is havin' sex with two different girls?
Redneck 11,"Naw, that little kid from the Congo lied about one of them to try and get the kid in the hat in trouble with his wife."
Redneck 12,They're married?
Jimmy,"You have to forfeit the fight, Rad Russian! You cannot fight until your test results come ba-back"
Cartman,"I might have to wait for my hepatitis test, but in the mean time, I have brought my comrade from Mexico to wrestle against you!"
Redneck 9,That Russian kid's got hepatitis?
Announcer,"And here he comes now, the cold-blooded wrestler from Mexico, El Pollo Loco!"
Jimmy,"What are you doing here, El, El Pollo Loco?"
Kenny,(I came here to kick your ass once and for all!)
Kyle,"Your girlfriend doesn't even like you, Stan the Man! She likes me!"
Stan,You have no idea what you're saying Juggernaut! Irene loves me and I'm gonna marry her!
Kyle,"If she wants to be with you, how about you have her tell all these people here?"
Announcer,"Uh oh, here she comes now! It's Bad Irene!"
Cartman,"Let me tell you something! Let me tell you something! It's true, I love Stan the Man with all my heart, but... I want to be with Juggernaut now."
Stan,What?!
Redneck 13,No! No! What are you doing?! Stan the Man loves you!
Redneck 14,Don't break his heart!
Stan,"If you love Juggernaut, Irene, then tell him what you did two years ago! How you killed his child!"
Cartman,It's true. I was pregnant with your child and aborted it.
Kyle,"Irene, no! Why?"
Cartman,Do you know what it's like to have an abortion at seven years old? DO YOU? I've had so many abortions. I just... got addicted to them.
Redneck 15,"Whoa, did you hear that?"
Redneck 16,Shh!
Stan,"Irene, you said you loved me!"
Cartman,"I'm not in love with you, I'm in love with abortions. Don't you undestand?!"
Spectators,Ohhhh!  Ahhhh!
Darryl Weathers,"I'm telling you guys, you've got to see this. These kids ain't more than eight or nine years old an' they got more problems than you can imagine."
Redneck 13,"There's this one kid, he saw his father get murdered. And yesterday he finds the killer, and it's this other kid whose an ex-cop. Needless to say, he whupped his ass good."
Darryl Weathers,"Yup, and there's this little girl, she's actually addicted to gettin' abortions. Got pregnant by nearly every boy there."
Redneck 17,You're shittin' me!
Redneck 13,No! We're telling you these kids are fucking crazy! You gotta check it out!
Darryl Weathers,You can watch 'em almost every afternoon. It's some of the greatest wrestlin' we ever seen.
Coach,It isn't real! Don't you people understand that stuff isn't real?! None of it! How stupid are you?!
Redneck 13,"What do you mean, it ain't real?"
Coach,It's all made up! Fiction! Real wrassling is a serious and respectable sport! Why can't you people understand that that kind of wrestling isn't real?!
Darryl Weathers,"Mister, there's a little girl out there who's had fourteen abortions, an' she ain't even ten yet. But I guess that's just  ""not real"" to you!  Son of a bitch."
Coach,Look look look!  THIS is wrestling. THIS.
Darryl Weathers,"Mister, you'd better take your gay porn an' walk right out of this bar."
Stan,"Holy crap dude, there's a huge turnout tonight."
Kyle,Good thing we made those changes to the seating.
Cartman,"Alright you guys, let's bring it in.  I think we've done a really great job and let's just keep the energy up, you know, have a good flow, and have fun out there, okay?"
Butters,Yeah!
Kyle,Let's do this! One! Two!
Boys,Backyard wrestling!
Cartman,"Oh what a perfect night for fighting. Lo, the moon sets upon the tips of the trees and I, the man known as the Rad Russian, start to stir with the excitement of violence."
Stan,"Only a country like yours can breed men of such discontent, Rad Russian. But you don't know what real pain is! PAIN! Like I've known. Abandoned when I was four years old by my parents. Left to die in a cold and dark sewage tunnel!"
Redneck 13,"Gee, I didn't know his parents did that."
Redneck 18,Shhh.
Principal Victoria,"I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid we have to terminate your employment here at South Park Elementary."
Coach,You're firing me? Why?!
Principal Victoria,"The school board has decided to discontinue the wrestling program. Wrestling simply involves too much adult subject matter, like murder and abortion."
Coach,"No, this isn't wrassling! THIS ISN'T WRASSLING! Principal Victoria, just let me stay on and I can teach kids what real wrassling is!"
Principal Victoria,"I'm sorry, the board has made up their minds."
Coach,You can't fire me for what these kids do!
Principal Victoria,That isn't the only reason you're being let go.
Coach,What do you mean?
Principal Victoria,"We... found all the gay porn on your iPhone, Mr. Connors."
Kyle,So I'm thinking we do the part about Jimmy's relationship with his alcoholic father after you smash Butters onto the table.
Token,"Oh! Sure, that works."
Cartman,"You guys! You guys, listen to this! It's amazing!"
Kyle,What dude?
Cartman,We just received a letter from the WWE.
Stan,From the professional wrestlers we saw in Denver?
Butters,No way!
Cartman,"""Gentlemen, We have heard of your wrestling federation and are quite interested in its popularity. The WWE is delighted to inform you that it will be sending a talent scout, President Vince McMahon to view your wrestling event this Saturday the twenty-fourth."""
Stan,Vince McMahon is coming to see us?
Kyle,This is our shot at making it into the WWE. To be real wrestlers.
Stan,Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod!..
Kyle,Oh my God... Oh my God...
Token,I can't believe it's him.
Butters,I'm freaking out...
Kyle,Omigod! Omigod! Omigod!
Cartman,"Okay guys! Guys, listen! We seriously have to focus here! We have exactly three days before the scout is here to see us wrestle. We gotta step it up and work it like never before."
Stan,Alright it's time to start the second act. Let's bring the crowd back in from intermission and then improvise some stuff for Saturday!
Darryl Weathers,"Yeah, no I I think Congo is a great wrestler; I just think Rad Russian has his number."
Redneck 19,"Yeah, but Rad Russian has a lot of abandonment issues."
Darryl Weathers,"Uh oh, it looks like the intermission is over, better head back."
Kyle,"I left my wife today. Walked out of the apartment without saying a word. I ran away from my responsibilities... just like I always do.  And I, again, am alone."
Stan,"Here he is, hiding in the forest as I told you."
Butters,Juggernaut! There is to be an Ultimate Smackdown this Saturday! Are you going to run from that as well?
Kyle,"I'll fight anytime, anywhere!"
Redneck 20,"He don't run from fights, just from responsibilities."
Crowd,Oohhhhh!  Boooooooo!
Stan,What do I do? Juggernaut is my long lost brother.  And yet Congo saved my life in Nam.
Announcer,It's El Pollo Loco!
Cartman,"Thanks for coming, guys. I'm sure you're wondering why I've called you here to Sizzler."
Kyle,"Yeah, what's this about? We should be writing our monologues for Smackdown."
Cartman,"Well guys, Kenny and I have been talking."
Kenny,"(Yeah, we've been talking.)"
Cartman,"And, I mean, Smackdown might be our one shot at making it into the WWE, right? I mean a shot like this might never come again."
Stan,Yeah?
Cartman,"Well, the way we see it, we have three primary obstacles in making Smackdown a great show: Token, Butters, Jimmy."
Kenny,(Yep.)
Kyle,What are you talking about?
Cartman,"Guys, let's face it: they can't wrestle for crap! I mean, every time I wrestle with one of them, they flub a line or blow their monologue. And Token? He has no emotion, no timing, he's the worst wrestler I've ever seen!"
Stan,He's right.
Kyle,What?
Stan,"Dude, it's really hard to do your best wrestling when you're up against Token."
Cartman,Right?
Stan,"And Butters and Jimmy I mean, they're okay but, they're never gonna make it as professional wrestlers."
Kyle,"Well, so then WWE will recruit us and not them."
Cartman,"No dude, they're gonna hurt our chances."
Kenny,(They're gonna hurt our chances.)
Cartman,"Because we all know that the new material I've written is stuff those guys can't handle, and we'll suffer from it!"
Kyle,So what do we do?
Kenny,(We've gotta bring somebody else on.)
Cartman,Yep. We've gotta bring somebody else on who can handle the more difficult roles that we can wrestle against instead of those guys.
Stan,"Somebody who can do the harder stuff we've written so that Token, Butters, and Jimmy can have smaller parts."
Kyle,How do we find somebody who can wrestle that well?
Cartman,It's simple. We just gotta hold tryouts.
Cartman,"Number seventeen step forward, please?  You're wrestling a Muslim immigrant. You suspect he could be a terrorist and your parrents died in the 9/11 attacks. Go!"
Number 17,"You dirty Muslim bastard! I don't trust you, and I never will! Do you know how it feels to lose your parents?! No you wouldn't, you smelly brown Middle Eastern piece of sh-"
Cartman,"Thank you! Number twenty-four?  You're wrestling for the right to marry Mackenzie Phillips, but just learned that she had sex with her father uh, go!"
Number 24,"Your father! Your own father!  I don't care if you were on drugs, you sick! Whore!"
Cartman,Thank you.
Kyle,That guy's a pretty good wrestler.
Kenny,(Mhm.)
Stan,"Yeah yeah, not bad."
Cartman,"Let's see uh, can we get number thirty seven to step forward again.  We just wanna get to know you all a little better. What can you tell us about yourself?"
Number 37,"Not a whole lot to tell, really. Was born in Fort Collins, started watching wrestling when I was four years old. My father... he liked it too. Until he died.  Sometimes I think it's 'cause of him I followed this dream. All my life, all I ever wanted was toBeeeee a wrestlerFiiiiighting in the ringWinning that belt.And so I dreamed every night that I was theUuuuundertaakerSmaaaaashing skulls inBreaking arms.But I'm so worked up. This is something I can do.Do I have what it takes inside?"
Stan,"Damn dude, that is some badass wrestling."
Cartman,"Yeah, this guy crushes."
Coach Connors,It isn't fair. All my hard work.  I'm not going to take it anymore.  That wrestling show is in for a big surprise.  I'm putting an end to this once and for all!  Hyaaaaa!
Kyle,He's here! Vince McMahon is here!
Jimmy,"Oowow, it's really him."
Stan,"He's here, Ohh my God  Omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod o-"
Cartman,"Alright, places everyone."
Cartman,Welcome to this performance of Wrestling Takedown Federation: Smackdown.
Stan,"Juggernaut? Juggernaut, hey, what's goin' on?"
Kyle,You know what's goin' on. It's Smackdown tonight. Which means we might have to fight each other.
Stan,"Heyhey whoa, you shouldn't be fighting anybody. What about your cancer?"
Kyle,Wait a minute. Who is that?
Stan,"It's Triceratops, and he's with Irene."
Kyle,"You aren't welcome here, Triceratops!"
Cartman,My man can do whatever he wants.
Coach Connors,"Stay calm, you know what you have to do."
Cartman,You're just gonna have to deal with that.
Coach Connors,For the good of real wrassling.
Butters,"No Irene, please! Just this once, do not abort this baby!"
Cartman,"My body, my rights! In fact, I'm jonesing for the rush so badly, I don't think I'll make it to the clinic."
Stan,"No, you can't possibly mean that-!"
Cartman,"Yes! I think maybe I'll have another abortion! Right here, right now!"
Crowd,Awwwww!
Butters,"There's someone here to wrestle you, Irene! A baby you aborted many years ago survived! And he's here now!"
Number 37,Mother! Why did you abort me? Why?
Redneck 21,He's alive!
Cartman,You! Get back in the trashcan where you belong!
Assistant,What do you thnk?
Stan,"Irene, there's no way we could let you here, and I'd let you something informal like that."
Vince,They are decent wrestlers. We'll see how they develop their through lines in the second act.
Jimmy,"Aha! I thought I would find you here, Triceratops!"
Butters,Stay out of my business Sergeant Hammerclaw! You just stay out of my way!
Guard,"Excuse me. I'm sorry, I'm afraid this area is off limits"
Butters,Are you sure?
Coach Connors,Oh don't mind me.  I was just about to-
Guard,Heh whoa-ho! Heh hey! Whoawhoawhoa. Whoahoho. Eheheh. The fuck is this?
Cartman,"O, how I long for the spring meadows of Russia! The soft Russian sky!"
Stan,"When are you going to face reality, Congo? Just because you were raised by panthers doesn't mean you are one!"
Butters,He's closer to a panther than you'll ever be!
Jimmy,"Lies! These are all a bunch of lies!  Now you listen here, El, Pollo Loco! It doesn't matter if your wife was killed, you cannot keep Irene's aborted baby!"
Kenny,(I can keep the baby...)
Cartman,"Just let them crawl back to Mexico Sergeant Hammerclaw.  We can't... might as well go back to your land of burritos, tacos, and take this aborted baby where it will fit in right with all the other aborted babies in Mexico!"
Coach Connors,"Only one shot.  Maximum damage.  This is all your fault, you WWE president asshole! Your fault we all die here. Right. Now. FOR WRASSLING!  NO!"
Fan 1,"O dios mio, mataron al Pollo Loco!"
Fan 2,Bastardos!
Coach Connors,"No! No, shut up!  You idiots want wrassling?! This is wrassling!"
Redneck 22,We want some real wrestlers!
Coach Connors,This is just a bunch of garbage! And you are all ruining the good name of wrassling!  Wrassling is from ancient Greece! It's in the Olympics!
Darryl Weathers,What the hell do you care?! Get off the wrestlin' mat! Boo!
Coach Connors,Why do I care? These kids made it so real wrassling is gone from schools! It's practically gone from the culture. Damn it they took my job!
Crowd,Huh? What?
Redneck 5,They took his job.
Redneck 23,I know. Sshh.
Coach Connors,"You want to know pain? Pain is dedicating your entire life to a sport, to a career, and then having it all ripped away from you like a babe from its mother."
Darryl Weathers,"Oh man, they took his job?"
Redneck 13,They took hid-drr.
Coach Connors,Lost everything! Couldn't even afford to pay for my... little retriever Rex anymore! Animal Control came and got him!
Redneck 24,They took his dog!
Redneck 25,They tok hid-drr!
Redneck 5,Took hid-drrr!
Coach Connors,"I ended up on the streets, stealing! Got busted by the police and had to spent the night in jail! The other inmates, they all beat me and fractured my jaw to where I couldn't eat!"
Redneck 26,They broke his jaw!
Redneck 22,Theeyy broke his jaw!
Redneck 27,Brk hij-jrr!
Coach Connors,So you see I have nothing left. Nothing! Not even the will to live.
Vince,"Sir, that was one of the finest wrestling performances I have ever seen."
Coach Connors,What?
Vince,Will you not join our wrestling organization? I promise to make you our leading act.
Coach Connors,"You, you mean it?"
Vince,Come! I want to get you in rehearsals right away!
Kyle,What?
Stan,Dude.
Cartman,"Hey, what about us? Our show?"
Vince,"Sorry boys. You are decent wrestlers, but lack the raw wrestling talent this man has."
The Boys,Aaaaah.
Cartman,"This is all your fault, Kyle! You screwed up the second act!"
Kyle,Me?! It was your stupid-ass writing!
Jimmy,Face it: Stan's crappy singing is what sssunk us!
Stan,What??
Jimmy,"You can s-, you can suck, suck my balls!"
Stan,"Don't go pointing fingers at me, partner! You have no idea what you're talking about, and it wasn't..."
Redneck 28,What the hell's this?
Redneck 29,This is Goddamned fake!
Darryl Weathers,"Screw this, this is just stupid."
Cartman,"Oh, don't start with me, Kenny!"
Redneck 30,FAKE!
Cartman,Kenny! I'm-
Trainer 1,"All right, everyone, welcome to the Dolphin Encounter here at the Denver Aquarium.  My name is Chet and I'll be your guide and trainer as you meet these intelligent and truly magical creatures.  And here they come: this is Trigger and Dolly, uh there's Bubbles"
Stan,Wow cool.
Randy,"Pretty neat birthday, huh Stan?"
Stan,"Yeah, this is gonna be awesome."
Chet,If they come near you you can touch their back just no grabbing please. What whimsical creatures aren't they? All the dolphins you will be encountering today are Atlantic bottlenose dolphins. Now who would like to get a kiss from one?
Girl,I would like to-
Randy,MEMEME. I wanna kiss it! I wanna kiss it!
Trainer 1,"Uh all right, let's just uh, get you to put your hands, palms down, on the water.  The-"
Stan,What the hell is that?
Trainer 2,Oh no it's the Japanese!
Japanese Man 1,(In Japanese Accent) Fuck youuu dofiiin!
Japanese Man 2,(In Japanese Accent) Fuck you dofiiin!
Guide,These are our favorite animals here at the Atlanta Zoo. It's Dolly and Seymour. They are beluga whales. These whales live mostly in the Arctic region-
Japanese Man 3,"(In Japanese Accent) Fuck you, whaaales!"
Trainer 3,"All right Jessica, now put your arms down like this.  Great job, Jessica!"
Japanese Man 4,"Fuck you, whaaale!"
Trainer 3,AAAAAAAA!
Randy,Hey pal.  Sorry your birthday got a little ruined by the Japanese.
Stan,"Dad, why did they do that?"
Randy,"Well Stan, the Japanese just... don't really like dolphins very much. Certainly not as much as us normal people do. But hey, at least you still got your T-shirt!   And you always have your neat picture."
Commentator 1,"Dan Dierdorf here, welcoming you to this great football matchup between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Miami Dolphins. We're all set for kickoff and-"
Commentator 2,Oh Dan it looks like Japanese people are now rushing onto the field.  This is not the kind of thing you want happening during kickoff.
Japanese Man 5,"(In Japanese Accent) Fuck you, dofiiin!"
News Anchor,"Several whales and dolphins were again slaughtered by the Japanese today, this time at the Six Flags Discovery Kingdom near San Francisco.  Aquariums had been experimenting with methods to keep the Japanese out, but so far nothing seems to stop them. When asked if all of Japan supported the slaughtering of whales and dolphins, the current Prime Minister of Japan, Yukio Hatoyama, had this to say"
Hatoyama,"(In Japanese Accent) Fuck you weiru , anda fuck you dohfiiin!"
Cartman,"Can't read my, can't read my, No he can't read my poker face. She's got to love nobody. Can't read my, can't read my, No he can't read my poker face. She's got to love nobody. Papapa poker face papa poker face. Mumumumuh. Papapa poker face papa poker face. Mumumumuh."
Stan,"Guys... guys...  Look, I really think it's time for us to do something. This is all getting way out of hand."
Cartman,What do you mean? This song is sweet.
Stan,"No, not the song. I'm talking about the Japanese killing whales and dolphins."
Kyle,"Dude, they've been doing that for a long time."
Stan,"So? Dude, don't you guys care? We have to do something?"
Kyle,"What are we gonna do, Stan? It's, it's not like we can change the way an entire country thinks. I don't like it, but it's just the way they are."
Stan,"It seems like everyone has an attitude of ""that's just the way they are"" or ""that's just the way it is""! Nobody likes it, but everybody's too busy to do anything about it!"
Cartman,"I'm not too busy, Stan."
Stan,You're not?
Cartman,"No, I just don't care. At all."
Kenny,"(Yeah, me neither.)"
Stan,Kenny? You don't care about whales and dolphins being slaughtered?
Cartman,"Stan, me and Kenny don't give two shits about stupid-ass whaaales!"
Stan,"You know, when all the whales and dolphins in the world are gone, people are gonna wish that at some point they had taken a little time to care just a little goddamn bit!"
Cartman,I wanna roll with him a hard pair we will be.I don't give a crap 'bout whales so go and hug a tree.
Butters,Hey Stan! I heard you were looking for people who care about the Japanese slaughterin' whales.
Stan,"Yeah. Butters, do you wanna help?"
Butters,"Nononono, I got stuff to do. But I wanted to tell you there's these fellers on TV. They go out in the ocean an' try to stop the Japanese wherever they are."
Stan,Really?  People who are doing something?
Butters,"I watch their show all the time. And, they take volunteers."
Stan,Then that's where I belong.
Singer,"The world is a vampire, sent to drain."
Captain Paul Watson,"Yeah, we're badass."
Singer,Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage.
Male Crew 1,"Any means necessary! We're not protesters, we're pirates!"
Captain,That's definitely a Japanese boat.  Looks like they're whaling now.
Japanese Sailor,"Fuck youuu, weiruu!"
First Mate,"Oh my God, they're gonna kill those humpbacks!"
Woman,We've gotta do something!
Captain,Pull up next to them. The fight is on!
Stan,Sweet!
Captain,Are we ready to do this?
Crew,Yeah!
Stan,Yeah. Hell yeah! Let's do it!
Captain,Are we badasses?
"Crew, Stan",Yeah!
Captain,Are we badasses?
"Crew, Stan",Yeah!
Captain,"All right, so... what do we do?  Wait, I know. How about we go on their ship, and then beat ourselves up? And then we can tell the media they did it?"
Crewman,"Great idea, Captain!"
Aussie Crewman,I'll start right now.
Woman,"""Oy my God, Luke's been hurt trying to save whales."""
Captain,"Wait, wait wait. I've got a better idea. How about I pretend to be shot? Then we can tell the media the Japanese shot me, a-and start an international c-crisis?"
Stan,"Whoa, wait wait, we don't wanna just lie about stuff."
Captain,Why not?
Stan,"Well, 'cause then we're just douchebags, dude. Come on, they're right here. Let, let's get hardcore!"
Captain,You know what? He's right. It's time to bring out the big guns! You guys ready?  Ready? And... throw the stinky butter at them!
Luke,"Haha, you stink now! Haha!"
Stan,"Wait, that's it?"
Captain,"Yeah, we make 'em stink. Haha your boat is stinky! Here, th- here, throw one."
Stan,"Those guys are always covered in dolphin and whale guts. They don't care if they stink. Come on, let's break their boat."
Captain,"Well no, that'd be illegal."
Crewman 2,Yeah.
Stan,I thought you guys were pirates in a war!
Woman,I'm a pirate in a war.
Stan,Pirates don't worry about the law! You guys said you were badasses!
Captain,We are. People think our methods are extreme. But we'll keep making their boats stink as long as they're killing whales and dolphins!
Luke,The Japanese are scared of how hardcore we are.
Woman,Paul!
Crewman,Paul?
Crewman 2,What do we do?
Woman,We don't have a captain!
Crewman,"Oh my God, oh my God!"
Woman 2,Maybe he's okay.
Crewman 2,Oh my God.
Luke,What did you do?
Stan,What you assholes acted like you were doing?
Stan,Wait for it... wait for it... NOW!
The Japanese,Ohhhh Gojira! Gojira!
Hatoyama,"Nippon no gaijin!  Kuso, taberu na!"
Announcer,"And now, Larry King, live."
Larry King,My guest tonight is the little boy who took over the Whale Wars reality show and turned it into a big hit. Please welcome Stan Marsh and his crew.
Luke,"'Ey Jordan! I'm on Larry King, mate!"
Larry King,"So Stan, what motivated you, what... inspired you to get out there and make a hit TV show?"
Stan,"No I, I don't really care about the TV show, I'm just trying to stop the Japanese from killing dolphins and whales."
Larry King,Once you became captain the methods used to stop the Japanese definitely became more aggressive. Was that the key to help boost your ratings?
Stan,"...No, I don't care about the show."
Woman 2,We're pirates.
Stan,I just want people to know that you can stop the Japanese if you have some real goddamned balls
Woman 2,I've got balls!
Larry King,"Well there are many people who see what you're doing as a positive thing, and of course, many that see problems with it. Joining us now is one of those people and...  You say Stan's methods are unethical."
Sid,"Larry, you can't just go out and take matters into your own hands like this. If you want a hit TV show you have to go through producers, directors, people that are in unions."
Larry King,"But Sid, you saw the show before Stan took it over; you have to admit that it was nothing but incompetent vegan pussies doing absolutely nothing and trying to turn it into drama."
Sid,"Yes, but it doesn't justify changing the entire show structure that their old captain had pitched to the network."
Stan,Can we please just talk about the actual whaling problem for a second?!
Larry King,"But their old captain, Paul Watson , was an unorganized incompetent media whore who thought lying to everyone was okay as long as it served his cause."
Sid,"He yes, of course, everyone knows that Paul Watson was a smug, narcoleptic liar with no credibility, but we must-"
Stan,"Screw this, I gotta get back to work!"
Announcer,"On this episode of Real Actual Whale Wars, Captain Marsh searches for the Japanese fleet, knowing they could be absolutely anywhere."
Stan,Would you mind stepping back a little?
Luke,"Captain! Captain, some new volunteers showed up to help us in our crusade!"
Stan,"No- Dude, we really can't take any more volunteers."
Luke,But they say you know them.
Cartman,"Ahall right dude, this is pretty sweet! ."
Stan,"Oh no, no, NO."
Cartman,What dude?
Stan,Oh what? So now that I have a hit TV show you guys care about dolphins and whales?
Cartman,We always have.
Kenny,"(Yeah, totally!)"
Stan,I asked you guys to help me and you said no!
Cartman,That's not what we said.
Stan,"You said ""Stan, me and Kenny don't give two shits about stupid-ass whales!"""
Cartman,We were talking about Wales the country.
Stan,"Look, if you admit that you're only doing this because you wanna be on TV, then I'll consider it! Admit you just wanna be on TV!"
Kenny,(I just want to be on TV.)
Cartman,Kenny!  I deserve to be on TV.
Crewman 2,"Captain! Captain, the Japanese have been spotted near buoy 24!"
Stan,Take us out of port! All hands to stations!
Cartman,"All right! Let's go save those whales, you guys!"
Announcer,"Captain Marsh races his boat to the last known location of the Japanese whalers. If he doesn't get there in time, hundreds of dolphins or whales could die."
Stan,"As soon as we get there, we've gotta deploy the tracking device! We can't let those whales get hurt!"
Crewman 2,What the hell was that?!
Crewman 3,We just got rammed.
Stan,"Oh the Japanese wanna play that way, huh?!"
Crewman 4,It's not the Japanese.
Stan,What?
Announcer,"On deck the crew is surprised at what they see. The other boat is from Deadliest Catch, a crab-fishing reality show."
DC Captain,"You think you're so cool, don'tcha?! You think you're big boat reality show on the block?!  You're taking away men's livelihoods!"
Stan,"What? Dude, we're trying to get to some whales."
DC Captain,"You're taking viewers away from our show, you stupid ass!"
Cartman,"Your show is fuckin' gay, dude!"
DC Crewman,Your show is fuckin' gay!
Stan,Screw this! Turn hard to port!
Announcer,"But everywhere his reality show's boat turns, the crab fishing reality boat block its path."
Stan,"Dude, fuck you!"
DC Captain,Fuck you!
Announcer,"It's been three hours and the crab fishing reality show isn't budging.  Captain Marsh's boat is dead in the water. He can't go after the Japanese, he can't help the whales or dolphins. Once again on Whale Wars, nothing is happening."
Crewman 3,"It's pretty difficult times because uh, we know that every minute we're sitting here stopped, a, another whale is dying."
Cartman,"Really tough, you know. It's... really hard. It's like , we've dedicated all this time and all our lives to saving these majestic creatures."
Kenny,(And they're all shot.)
Cartman,"Shhh, Kenny...  Old Ken is taking it especially hard. He's always loved dolphins so much that he-  Yeah yeah but, but keep it in a two-shot, though.  Yeah, keep it there.  He's always loved dolphins so much that he would do anything."
Kenny,(I would do anything!)
Announcer,The crab-fishing reality show was doing just fine.
DC Crew,Yeah! Woohoo! Alright!
Announcer,"But for the Whale Wars crew, it appears the show is over. Until... a sound is heard."
Stan,What was that?
Benjamin,"Captain, look!"
The Crew,Wow. Whoa.
Woman 2,The whales are taking out the crab fisherman reality show!
Stan,It's like... they know.
DC Crewmen,Hey. Heeey. Noo! Stop!
Stan,They do know. They know everything I've been trying to do for them.
Cartman,Our gentle friends of the sea have saved the day. Because they know that only we can save them from the Japanese.
Japanese Pilot,Bonzaaaaaaaai!
Stan,Jesus Christ!  We've gotta get something to shoot 'em with!
Woman 2,Look out!
Stan,"I, I can't, I can't believe it."
Cartman,"Dude, you know what? Japanese people really do not like whales.  Uh oh."
Cartman,"Well I'm in Japanese prison LawdJapanese prison got me downSaid I'm in Japanese prison LawdDon't belong here, my eyes are round."
Stan,Will you stop that?
Cartman,"Oh, I'm sorry. Am I making things uncomfortable for you Stan? It's your fault me and Kenny are in this mess!"
Stan,"Things are bad enough without you being a smartass! There's whales out there being slaughtered right now and I can't do anything about it, so just keep quiet!"
Cartman,"You don't have a TV show anymore, Captain, so you can just suck my Japanese-imprisoned balls! I'm in a Japanese prison Lawd. Japanese balls got me down."
Guard,Itte kure 'Akihito-sama irashaimasu!'
Emperor Akihito,"So, you are the ones who have been-a sinking our boats!"
Stan,You speak English.
Emperor Akihito,"You have caused us many problems, set us back many months!"
Cartman,"Sir, we actually don't give two shits about you killing whales. Can we go?"
Kenny,"(Yeah, can we go?)"
Emperor Akihito,Why have you done this? Why do you insist on-a making trouble for the Japanese?!
Stan,Why do you do what you do?! Do you know that ninety eight percent of the world is against whaling?! Why can't you just stop?!
Emperor Akihito,You think you have the right to tell us what is okay?! I have-a something to show you!
Emperor Akihito,This is Hiroshima. Over fifty years ago this entire city was-a destroyed by nuclear bomb. We built this museum so that we never forget what-a happened.
Cartman,What dude?
Emperor Akihito,"At-a 8:15 a.m. the people of Hiroshima were just minding their own business when out of nowhere a frash devastated them all.  Women and children who died in the frash simply evaporated.  Those reft arrive suffered the worst pain of all. Burns, radiation poisoning. For generations the radiation affected the victims. Japanese babies born without rimbs. Without eyes!"
Cartman,Sorry.  A little gassy. 'Scuse me.
Emperor Akihito,"One hundred and forty thousand Japanese were killed by atom bomb. We have never recovered from the memory of that day. It is impossible for a nation to ever forgive an act so horrible. This-a picture shows the prane that dropped the bomb.  It was called the Enora Gay. And it was frown by the monsters who dropped the bomb that day. Dohfin, and Weiru!"
Stan,"Ummm, where did you get that picture?"
Emperor Akihito,"The Americans were nice enough to give it to us the day after the bombing. We were so-a thankful for the picture that the next day we ended our war with America. We will never forgive, never rest until they are all wiped out! Fuck you. Fuck you dohfin and-a weiru!"
Cartman,So that's what this has all been about?
Stan,"Dude, it wasn't actually and dolfin and a whale who bombe Hiroshima. It was the-"
Cartman,"Zzzzt zzzzsssht!  Dude, they won't rest until whoever is responsible is completely wiped out."
Stan,"Oh, right. Look, I... I thnk I can make everything okay here. Can I just use a phone?"
Kyle,Hello? Stan?
Stan,"Dude, are you sitting at your computer? I need you to do something for me."
Stan,"Mister Prime Minister, Japanese officials, there's something you need to know. The photo you were given of the Enola Gay was doctored. Because the real bombers feared retaliation so badly that they... simply pointed the finger at somebody else. My government has authorized me to give you the original photo, unaltered, so you can finally know the truth.  Dolphins and whales were just framed by the real bombers.  A chicken and a cow."
Emperor Akihito,Chicken and-a cow? Chicken and-a cow?!
Hatoyama,Chicken and cow use poor dohfin and weiru as-a scapegoat?! This is outrage!
The Japanese,Fuck you cows!
The Japanese,Teikara chickens!
Randy,"Great job, son. Now the Japanese are normal, like us."
Cartman,"Isn't this great, you guys? Gettin' away from it all, leaving all our cares behind?"
Stan,"Yeah, and they said the weather's gonna be nice like this all day."
Kyle,This... is exactly what I needed.
Kenny,(Meee toooo.)
Stan,Aww! Not those guys again!
Cartman,"God damn it, why is it every time we try to have a relaxing day a bunch of asshole on their Harley motorcycles show up?!"
Stan,God! Shut up!
Cartman,"Piss off, you stupid assholes!"
Randy,Isn't this great food?
Gerald,You're so right about this place. It's wonderful.
Randy,"You know what's really interesting is that-  ...what's really interesting is that this place has a new owner, and that-"
Father Maxi,On this gorgeous day we bring these two together for the most important ta-
Lead Biker,Everybody's checking us out.
Biker 2,"Yeah, they think we're pretty cool."
Lead Biker,Hooo! We were definitely turnin' some heads out there.
Biker 3,Yeah!
Biker 2,"I was pullin' back on that throttle, and everybody was like, ""What is that?"""
Biker 4,Fer sure!
Biker 3,Yeah.
Biker 5,"Hey- hey, nobody here is really paying attention to us."
Lead Biker,"That's weird.  Oh yeah, that's better."
Lead Biker,All right let's head out.
Cartman,"Excuse me. Excuse me! Hey assholes!  You guys know that everyone thinks you're total fags, right."
Lead Biker,...What did you say?
Cartman,"You know, when people like you drive down the street with your unnecessarily loud motorcycles thinking you're all cool. Everyone is actually laughing at you and calling you pathetic faggots. You do realize this, right?"
Biker 6,"...Hey man, we roll how we roll, and if people are annoyed or intimidated by it, that's too bad for them!"
Biker 2,Yeah!
Cartman,"No no, no, nobody is intimidated, actually. Everyone realizes that people who are so needy for attention they need to dress up and be as loud as possible are you guys and sixteen-year-old girls! Just wanted to let you know, you're fuckin' fags."
Biker 7,Thah- that little boy just called us fags.
Biker 2,Like he didn't think we were cool.
Biker 6,"But he's wrong. People don't think we're fags, do they?"
Lead Biker,"'Course he's wrong! And anyway, nobody except that little freak would ever say something like it to our faces!"
Other Bikers,Yeah! Let's ride!  Let's go! Rev 'em up!
Ike,Fags!
Biker 2,Did that kid just call us-?
Lead Biker,"Ju-just ignore him!  God damn it, this is fucked up!"
Biker 8,What's wrong with kids today?
Biker 4,It doesn't make any sense. They all called us fags.
Biker 6,"How can they call us fags? I mean, listen to this?"
Lead Biker,"I know, I know! Look, guys, I think I know what the problem is here."
Biker 3,Really? You do?
Biker 9,Whatwhat?
Lead Biker,"Yeah, think about it, guys. You see all the things kids have today? I mean, with their Xboxes and surround-sound entertainment systems, kids today are surrounded by big loud stuff all the time!"
Biker 10,"Hey, that's right."
Lead Biker,"That's all it is, guys. We just need to get a little louder, that's all."
Kyle,Broflovski looks for Kenny to get clear for the pass.
Cartman,But Cartman isn't letting up on him.
Kyle,"Oh, what the hell?!"
Biker 6,Chicken spears! Chicken spears! Chicken spears! ...Chicken spears! Chicken spears!
Stan,God damn it God damn it!
Lead Biker,"Oh yeah, now we're turnin' some heads!"
Biker 2,Let's see 'em call us fags now!
Stan,"All right, thanks for coming, everyone. As you all know, the Harley problem seems to be getting worse, and nobody is willing to do anything about it."
Kyle,Yes.
Cartman,Agreed.
Jimmy,"I have had it with those loud, annoying, f-f-f f-faggots."
Stan,"Now, we have some ideas, and we'd love to hear your ideas, and I think together we can-  ...and I think that together we can come up with a way to get rid of these fags once and for all."
Kyle,Sounds good.
Token,"Okay good, yeah."
Cartman,"Ni-nice, okay."
Butters,What are you guys talkin' about? Harleys are neato!
Cartman,What?
Butters,"I always thought, someday when I grow up I'm gonna get a Harley. Then people will have to notice me, and they'll have to deal with my shit for once. The open road! The wind on my face! I'll go from city to city! Rowrrowrroowwrr! Everyone lookin' at me! ""Who's that guy? He must be a Hoo- he must be tough!"" Vromvrom, vromvrom, vrooom! I'll have my girl on the back seat holdin' on to my fat belly - sure she's missin' a few teeth, but she thinks I'm coool. That's why, when I grow up, I'm gonna be a Harley rider!"
Stan,"...That makes perfect sense, Butters."
Butters,It does?
Stan,"Yes, now get out of here."
Butters,Okay.
Stan,"Alright, Kyle and I are gonna spray paint messages to the Harley riders; Cartman, you said you had an idea?"
Cartman,"I think what I'm gonna do is uh, find out wherever their bikes are and uh, crap on their seats."
Stan,Oh that's good.
Cartman,"Yeah, I think that'll be nice."
Stan,But that's a lot of seats? How are you going to pull that off?
Cartman,"I think I just need uh two, maybe three buckets of KFC, extra crispy, probably ...four cartons of gravy."
Stan,"Clyde, can you take care of getting KFC for Cartman? Kyle and I will get the spray paint cans. If we do this right, we'll be doing the town a huge favor, so let's get to it!"
All,Yeah!
Lead Biker,Now that was a good breakfast.
Biker 6,I'm full.
Lead Biker,You guys smell that? Smells like that new famous bowl at KFC
Biker 6,"Ohh, OHHH! Somebody took a shit on mah fuckin' Harley!"
Biker 3,What?
Biker 2,"Awwww, me too! I got shit all over my pants now!"
Biker 7,There's a little flag stuck in the shit!
Biker 11,"""You're fags."" You've gotta be kidding me!"
Lead Biker,"Come on, we'll find the bastards who did this!"
Biker 12,This can't be happening.
Stan,"Really nice work, guys."
Kyle,Yeah. I think maybe everything is gonna be okay now.
Big Gay Al,"And so I said to the guy, ""you really think I'm paying that much?"""
Mr. Slave,"Heheh, oh Jesus Christ."
Big Gay Al,Oh my God. I thought we were past this.
Mayor McDaniels,"Students, I am here because of a very serious matter. This morning it was discovered that in several places all over town, somebody had spray-painted the words, ""Fags get out."" Many witnesses reported seeing children with spray paint. Now, if anybody knows anything about the kids who did this, you must come forward-"
Cartman,That was us!
Mayor McDaniels,...'Scuse me?
Stan,"Yeah, we did that!"
"Kyle, Kenny",Yeah!
Mayor McDaniels,...Why would you write something like that and be proud of it?!
Kyle,"W-well, 'cause we want all of those fags to get out of town."
Cartman,"Yeah, everyone hates those fags, right?"
Other Kids,"Yeah, uh huh, I do, yep."
Mr. Mackey,"Now just what the heck is going on here?! This is not what we have taught you in this school! Kyle and Stan, you've always been tolerant of gay people!"
Stan,Gay people?
Kyle,We aren't talking about gay people.
Mr. Mackey,You just admitted to spray-painting that they should get out of town!
Stan,"Dude, why would we want gay people to get out of town?"
Cartman,"Oh, they think we meant gay fags."
Kyle,"Oh. Hey, that's not very nice, Mayor. Just because a person is gay doesn't mean he's a fag."
Mayor McDaniels,"What?! You four boys, in my office, NOW!"
Stan,Aw crap!
Lead Biker,"Faggot, often shortened to fag, has been used in the English language since the late sixteenth century. Its original meaning was ""an old or unpleasant woman""."
Biker 2,That certainly don't apply to us.
Lead Biker,"Faggot later was defined as a bundle of sticks. And in the nineteenth century, a faggot gatherer was someone who made a meager living gathering firewood."
Biker 6,Well they certainly ain't calling us fags 'cause we gather sticks; there's got to be more!
Biker 2,What's that part say there?
Lead Biker,"Later, the term ""fag"" was defined as any awkward bundle to be carried, and was often used as an insult to the elderly, as in calling them ""baggage""."
Biker 2,"Fag was used as an insult to women, then poor people, then old people?"
Lead Biker,In the early 1900s the word became a pe-jo-ra-tive term against homosexuals and transgender people in the United States.
Biker 10,Well that word just keeps changing its meaning. What's it got to do with us?
Judge 1,We are really trying to understand this. How is it that you boys think referring to gay people as fags in today's world is acceptable?
Kyle,Because we're not referring to gay people! You can be gay and not be a fag.
Stan,"Yeah, a lot of fags aren't gay."
Judge 2,"I happen to be gay, boys. Do you think I'm a fag?"
Stan,"Do you ride a big loud Harley and go up and down the streets, ruining everyone's nice time?"
Judge 2,No.
Stan,Then you're not a fag.
Judge 1,So what if a guy is gay and rides a Harley?
Cartman,"Then he's a gay fag. I mean, is this really this hard?"
Stan,I don't know.
Kenny,(This is fucking ridiculous.)
Stan,"All right, look, you're driving in your car, okay? And you're waiting to make a left at a traffic signal. The light turns yellow, should be your turn to go, but the traffic coming at you just keeps coming. And even when the light turns red, a guy in a BMW runs the red light so you can't make your left turn. What goes through your mind?"
Judge 3,"""Fag."""
Stan,"Right. But you're not thinkin' ""Oh, he's a homosexual,"" you're thinkin' ""Oh, he's an inconsiderate douchebag like a Harley rider."""
Judge 1,"This, this is, making insanely good sense to me."
Judge 4,"Alright, how about this: What would you call a straight man who doesn't own a Harley, but likes them and might buy one someday?"
Cartman,"You call them ""bike-curious""."
Judge 1,"""Bike-cu-"""
Stan,"""Bike-curious""! Don't you people keep up with today's lingo at all?!"
Kenny,(Jesus fucking Christ!)
Big Gay Al,"Fellow homosexuals, I believe we have an opportunity here to take a big step forward for our kind. We must acknowledge that the words ""fag"" and ""faggot"" are never going to disappear. They're simply too much fun for everyone to say. But we must realize that we are no longer the most hated people on the planet, and help the children change the meaning of the word to describe those annoying loud faggot Harley riders!"
Mr. Slave,Hear hear!
Big Gay Al,"We should all be tolerant, but not with these fucking people! They really are faggots!"
Mr. Slave,Yeth Jethuth yeth!
Announcer,This is Channel 4 Evening News.
News Anchor,"A new movement in South Park is bringing to question the word ""fag"". Gay groups are pointing out that the word no longer means to kids today what it meant just a few years ago."
Field Reporter,"And what is your name, little boy?"
Martin,Martin.
Field Reporter,"Alright Martin, can you do me a favor? Could you point to the ""fag"" for me?  Point to which one is the fag.  All right now could you just point to the fag for me, little girl? Which one is a faggot?"
News Anchor,"Sparked by this realization and persuaded by a gay advocate group, the Mayor signed a new city ordinance today making the word ""fag"" officially refer to annoying inconsiderate Harley riders."
Field Reporter,How do you fags feel about the new city ordinance?
Lead Biker,What did you say?
Field Reporter,"Just asking you if you feel okay or displeased about the ordinance, fag."
Lead Biker,"Hey you know what? If you call me fag in my face one more time, you'd better-"
Field Reporter,I already did it twice.
Lead Biker,"Well I think that- I think that you uh, you probably won't say it again."
Field Reporter,I bet I do.
Lead Biker,"Well okay, I-"
Field Reporter,Fag.
News Anchor,As more people in South Park adapt to the new meaning...
Randy,Fags!
News Anchor,...more and more Harley riders are deciding to ride elsewhere.
Cartman,"Oh yeah, nice, Kenny."
Stan,"Isn't this awesome, you guys? I haven't seen a Harley for like three days."
Kyle,I know. It's like we have the outdoors back again.
Mayor McDaniels,You four turd balls in my office NOW!
Stan,Aw crap!
Mayor McDaniels,You have got me in a lot of trouble!
Another Mayor,"The fact of the matter is that ""fag"" is still defined in the dictionary as a pejorative term against homosexuals, and so you are still causing harm to gay people everywhere whether you mean it differently or not! The town of South Park and its mayor have once again shown themselves to be completely out of touch with the progressive world!"
Mayor McDaniels,She's gaining support all over the country. I should have never listened to you!
Kyle,"We're sorry, Mayor."
Mayor McDaniels,"Oh, that's nice! You made our entire town look like gay-bashing redneck homophobes, but at least you're sorry!"
Stan,We can fix this!
Mayor McDaniels,HOW?!
Stan,"That, that lady said it's because fag still means homosexual in the dictionary. So we just have to convince the dictionary people to change the definition."
Cartman,"Hey, hey yeah. Then people would be free to call Harley riders fags all over the country."
Lead Biker,"Now I don't know about you, but I think this town is starting a trend. And if we let them officially change the meaning of ""fag"" from gay people to us, then soon every town might.  If we don't do anythng, we can end up trying to fight e-  If we don't do anything, we c-... Hey Bartlett. Bartlett!  I'm trying to talk, you fag!  Aw, see? Now they got us doin' it to ourselves! We gotta put a stop to this now!  We're going to ride into that town and kick some fuckin' ass!"
Field Reporter,"Excitement is in the air as the citizens of South Park amass to see if the word ""fag"" will officially be changed in the English dictionary. Four local boys will state their case to the head dictionary editor, and if they succeed, ""fag"" will officially refer to Harley riders nationwide."
Big Gay Al,"You can do it, boys! We believe in you!"
Field Reporter,"And Tom, it looks as though the dictionary officials have arrived.  Entering the scene now are the keepers of the current dictionary and of course, the dictionary's head editor, Mr. Emmanuel Lewis."
Cartman,"Emmanuel Lewis, huh?"
Stan,"Ohh, it all makes sense now."
Emmanuel Lewis,"To change...  the definition of a word... is no trifling thing. I expect this proposal for changing the definition of the word ""fag"" to be both discerning and undisputable."
Big Gay Al,"Come on boys, you can do it!"
Randy,"Look out, it's a bunch of pissed-off faggots!"
Stan,There's fags everywhere!
Kyle,We gotta run!
Emmanuel Lewis,WAAAH! What nefariousness is this?! Ogh! You obdurate beast!
Lead Biker,"Well well. Now, do you think we're fags?"
Stan,"Yes. Yes, sir, you are total fags."
Kyle,Yeah. You definitely made your point.
Biker 13,"No! We rolled in, kicked ass, and took shit over! Is that what a fag does?!"
Stan,"Yeah yeah, that's totally what a fag does."
Lead Biker,"No, you're supposed to think we're not fags now!"
Stan,But then why are you acting like such fags? I don't understand.
Kyle,I don't either.
Butters,"That's because you guys never understood!  You fellers never got what these people are really about! Freedom! Rebellion against the system! A living image of independence! Solid, defiant, and supremely cool, the biker is an All-American icon of resilient individuality and freedom."
Biker 14,Who is this little fag?
Butters,"I'm not a fag yet, sirruh but a but I am bike-c-curious."
Biker 15,"That's it, let's kill them all!"
Cartman,No! That'll just make you bigger fags!
Big Gay Al,No one is killing anyone!  We've had enough! You faggots get the hell out of our town!
Lead Biker,"All right everyone, all right. We are fags. Yeah, we're fags. We're total fags. And yo know what? We like it."
Biker 2,"Yeah, we like being fags."
Lead Biker,"So go ahead, America. Whenever you pass by Harley riders like us, roll down your window, and yell ""Faggots!"" All you kids out there, when you see us, walk up to us, and say ""Hello, fags."" No, really, we want you to. At least we're cool enough to embrace who we are. Right guys?"
Bikers,That's right. You got it. Yeah.
Biker 6,"Come on, fags, let's roll out!"
Stan,"...And that, Mister Editor, is why they are the true definition of fags."
Emmanuel Lewis,Let there be no perplexity: those individuals are the legitimate faggots. The definition shall be replaced.
Stan,We did it! Yeah!
Kyle,"Yeah! We did it, you guys!"
Cartman,"Oh it's over, it's finally over!"
Stan,"Today, we've made history."
Student,"Good morning South Park Elementary. These are the morning announcements, Parent-teacher conferences begin next Thursday. If you have not yet done so, please turn in your parents' requested time sheets by the end of fifth period today.  Lunch today will be a choice of chicken tostadas or spaghetti with a marninara sauce and side salad.  Attention fourth graders: the fall registration for glee club starts tomorrow. Any interested students should fill out a-  Whoa, what's going on?"
Intruder,I'll killl you!  I swear to God I'll kill you!
Student,Who are you?!
Intruder,I'm the man who's gonna put a bullet between your eyes!
Student,Hey! He's got a gun!
Intruder,You little bastard! You fucked my wife! You think I wouldn't find out?!
Student,"Sir, please, I don't know you."
Intruder,"Yeah, right!"
Man,"All right, what the hell is going on around here? You sir need to leave this area-"
Student,"Oh God, he shot him!"
Intruder,"Ya had to push me, didn't ya?! NOW YOU!"
Student,"HAAAAAAAAAA! Sir, I clearly don't know-  th-AAAAA! AAAA!"
Intruder,"There! How's it feel, huh?!"
Student,"Please, I don't know you! Uughuh!"
Intruder,"You're Gordon Stoltski, right?! Truck driver from Chicago?!"
Gordon,"No, I'm Gordon Stoltski, third grader who reads the morning announcements!"
Intruder,"Yeah, right! We'll see if that's true. Go on, read the morning announcements!"
Gordon,SOMEBODY HELP ME!
Intruder,I said do it!
Gordon,"AAAAA! AAAAA! AAAAAAAAAA! AAA! Any, any interested students should fill out an applicant survey  WAA! WAAAAAAAAAA!"
Intruder,I knew you were lyin'! That was terrible! Now put your mouth over the barrel of this gun!
Gordon,No please! I'm so scared!   I'm so scared!
Intruder,DO IT!
Gordon,"Please! I'll duh, I'll do whatever you say! Here! Here I see! Here!  I got my mouth on the ba-"
Intruder,Look at you now. We're all dead.
Mr. Mackey,"We will always remember the way that Gordon bravely read the announcements every morning, led us in the Pledge of Allegiance, m'kay, and touched many kids' lives here at the school. And even now that we know the shooter had him confused with a forty-year-old truck driver who happened to have a similar name, I know this has been ...pretty traumatizing, m'kay. But now we must decide who will pick up up where little Gordon left off. Who will take his place reading the morning announcements? It's a big responsibility, because it will be your voice the entire school listens to, m'kay? And although Gordon Stoltski can never be replaced, m'kay, there must be a student out there who has the drive and the passion to... have his or her voice heard every morning."
Cartman,Oh. My. Goodddd.
Cartman,"Soo, you're uuh, trying out to be the morning announcement person as well?"
Boy,"Yeah, I think it would be really fu-fu-fu-fun, and ru-ru-ru-rurrraise my self es-es-esesesteem."
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, this is it, huh? Okay, uhhh Mike, why don't we have you try out first, ituh m'kay."
Cartman,He stuttered like a bitch! I've got this job in the bag!  Who are you?
Casey,"My name is Casey Miller, and I'm in the third grade.  Ever since I can remember people have told me I should read their morning announcements. My friends always said to me, ""Dear Casey, your voice is like butter to our ears. Could you please find a way to get that audible chocolate on the airwaves?"" Well, here I am, and hopefully I'll be the kid with the job."
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, really nice, Mike, uh, maybe next time you can get past the first word. Oh, Casey Miller, good, you're trying out too?"
Casey,I'm tryin' out and dryin' out in the sultry summer sun that is my voice.
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay. Eric, you wanna go next?"
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay Eric, I'm just gonna have you read this piece of paper."
Cartman,"Mr. Mackey, what is a moronic jizzrag?"
Mr. Mackey,What? What on earth are you askin' me that for?!
Cartman,Well it's just that... that's what that Casey kid said about your hairpiece?
Mr. Mackey,"Get lost, you little dirtball!"
Casey,Excuse me?
Mr. Mackey,I said take a hike!
Casey,I don't understand... what I did wrong.
Mr. Mackey,"Beat it, you're not gettin' the job!"
Cartman,"Good morning South Park Elementary. These are the morning announcements. And I, am Eric Cartman. All forms for the school book drive must be handed it to Mr. Davis in the library by the end of the school day today. Hm, doesn't seem like they gave us a lot of notice on that, uh, 'kay. Oh well.  For lunch today, the cafeteria will be serving a selection of cold sandwiches. Cold sandwiches. Oh well, thank you so much! Remember when we used to be served hot food? I mean, what has happened to our school? This school is transforming into something very bad, and why? Because we have leadership that doesn't care! I'm talking of course about our student body president, Wendy Testaburger!  Ever since Wendy was elected student body president, this school has started a rapid decline towards some socialist regime where students no longer have a voice! The music room will be closed off today due to painting. All students in band and choir will meet in the gymnasium instead. Oh oh, so now, so now the school is using money to paint the music room. How old and outdated is our playground equipment? What other school has a fifteen-year-old merry-go-round on it? Our school president is turning this whole place into Communist Russia!  It's not a coincidence that once Wendy took office this school started coming apart at the seams! Your teachers don't wanna tell you, but they are scared, and they should be, because the very fabric of this elementary school is tearing from all corners."
Butters,Oh jeez!
Cartman,"But hey, I'm just a normal kid, like you, except that I ask questions. And because I'm brave enough to ask questions, I come under scrutinies. Is Wendy using your lunch money to buy heroin? Probably not, but how can we know? I don't want my lunch money going to drugs! Who's taking these drugs? What would be the point? I'm asking questions!"
Kyle,Will somebody shut him up?
Cartman,"You wanted to see me, Principal Victoria?"
Principal Victoria,"The job is to read what is written on the paper, Eric, not to embellish the way you do."
Cartman,Oohhhh I get it. You're trying to silence me! You're scared that somebody is standing up to this school and its president for once!
Principal Victoria,"No, it's just that the announcements need to be quick so the students can get on with their work."
Cartman,Oh really?! Then how come Gordon Stoltski got to go on for like five minutes that one day?!
Mr. Mackey,"Well, because he was being murdered."
Cartman,"You just want somebody to read what's in front of them like a brain-washed zombie, is that it Mr. Mackey? I am not Gordon Stoltski, okay?! I'm not some dog on a leash that just blindly says what he's told, until he's killed!"
Principal Victoria,All we ask is you keep it shorter.
Cartman,"Oh I will! And maybe I'll also have a word with the ACLU, tell them that a student is being told not to speak out against his school! I'm sure they'll find that very interesting!"
Cartman,"Well. Goood morning South Park Elementary. These are the morning announcements. Tryouts for the soccer team are on Friday afternoon. That is of course if our student body president does something about our abysmal soccer field.  I have a question. What does Wendy Testaburger actually do? She is supposed to be the president, right? What is her agenda? She's lying to everyone? Or is she? Let's ask these questions.  Today I wanna talk briefly about the state of our school's economy. The bake sale last week was a complete failure. And in the school-  And besides that, who actually voted for Wendy Testaburger? I know I didn't. And everyone who did is now scratching their heads and goin' ""Whoops. Guess I shouldn't have done that.""  I'm not in the student council, I'm just a normal kid like all of you. And like all of you, I want to know what has happened... to my school."
Third Graders,I pledge allegiance to the flag -
Cartman,"- of the United States of America. OUR United States, not the one Wendy Testaburger would have, a socialist dunghole -"
Kindergartners,- a socialist dunghole...
Cartman,"Good morning students. These are the morning announcements. If you'll direct your attention to the new video monitors at the head of your class,  you will see that the announcements are now being done in video."
Kyle,"Oh God, no!"
Cartman,"Lunch today is going to be pizza. Again.  Friends, our school is dying and you know it. You feel it. You're like, you're like me; you wanna change it. But ohhh no, Wendy Testaburger's not gonna let that happen! This is not the school we grew up in, and ...and I don't know if we can get it back.  So let's take a look at exactly what our school president wants. You know, what is she trying to achieve? Let's just take a look at these Keywords here: Wendy's made it clear she wants our school to be a more Integrated Leftist and Liberal place! But you see what then happens, what we get is a Socialist, Modern, Utopian, Reformed, Farce of a School. So when you look closely it becomes very obvious what Wendy wants. K I L L S M U R F S. Our school president ...wants to kill Smurfs."
Ike,NOOO!
Cartman,"I don't know if we're turning into a Smurf-hating school or what we're turning into, but unless you ask why , we're gonna transform into something."
Butters,Hey Wendy! Wendy! Is it true?
Wendy,Is what true?
Butters,That you hate Smurfs?
Wendy,I don't have time for this.
Butters,Hey now! Me and us fellers were just asking questions!
Melvins,"Yeah, that's right. We can ask."
Wendy,Try to understand this: all I do is try to help run student council. I don't give a crap about Smurfs!
Butters,It is true!
Melvin 1,Oh my God!
Melvin 2,"Yeah, bemememe"
Melvin 3,Oh my God!
Wendy,"Maybe you guys should check into what student council actually does, before you just blindly listen to what some idiot with a microphone tells you!"
Butters,What did the Smurfs ever do to you! Ya bitch! I just called the president a bitch.
Casey,Hyeah.
Melvin 1,That was cool.
Melvin 4,Awesome
Melvin 2,"Yeah, that was cool."
Melvin 3,"Yeah, great job."
Cartman,"""Thank you"" and this is to..?"
Douglas,Douglas.
Cartman,"""To Douglas."" There you go.  Book signing today everyone, be sure to pick up your copy."
Butters,Hey Eric!
Cartman,Well hello. Another person who  cares about the future of our school?
Butters,"Oh you bet! I love all the stuff you said about how our school president never does anything, and how she's changing everything?"
Cartman,"Yes, well now you can read about all those things I've said, Butters. Take this copy of my book."
Butters,"Cool, thanks."
Cartman,That'll be five dollars.
Butters,"Oh, okay."
Stan,What the hell do you think you're doing?!
Cartman,A book signing.
Stan,I looked through your stupid book! It's five hundred and forty pages of ripping on Wendy and calling her a slut!
Cartman,I do not directly say she's a slut!
Stan,"""Wendy Testaburger has proven time and time again that she will do anything to pleasure her vagina. Whether it is the school football team or the janitors on their break, Wendy spends her time as president on her knees or on her back taking the old in-out for hours on end""!"
Cartman,"You didn't read the rest, dude."
Stan,"""Or does she?"""
Cartman,"""Or does she?"" See, that's a question. I'm asking questions, Stan! I've called for Wendy to come on my show and defend herself, but she won't do it!"
Butters,"Yeah, and she hates Smurfs!"
Boy 1,"""Shouldn't we be worried if our school president is a girl who would rather get her tits licked than go to student council meetings?"""
Stan,"Hey hey, stop reading that!"
Boy 1,Wull what do you mean?
Stan,"Listen, just because a guy's voice is on the intercom and his words are in a book, doesn't mean he has any idea what he's talking about!"
Boy 2,Yes it does!
Casey,Eric Cartman is simply making it so that all kids take responsibility to question their school leaders. We should all ask if our president is a penis-hungry hooker with a huge vagina. I'm Casey Miller.
Stan,"Wendy, did you see the stuff Cartman is saying about you now?"
Wendy,"I really don't care, Stan."
Stan,Well don't you think you should go on his show and defend yourself?! Everyone is starting to think you're a crappy president.
Wendy,"I'm not giving Eric Fartman one minute of my time, you got that?! I'm not acknowledging his stupid questions. If you want him dealt with, you'll have to do it yourself!"
Cartman,"You wanted to see me again, Principal Victoria?"
Principal Victoria,"Eric, we've been informed by a concerned student that you are writing naughty books about one of the girls here at the school."
Cartman,"Oh, Wendy came and told on me?! So what? Because she's president she can't be written about?"
Mr. Mackey,"Eric, apparently you wrote that Wendy's private parts are big enough to fly an airplane through, m'kay?"
Cartman,And what if they are?! You'll stop me from asking just because Wendy forces you to?!
Mr. Mackey,"Eric, the student body president really doesn't have the kind of power that you-"
Cartman,"Just enough power to force you to stop me from selling my book! Face it, you're a lackey, Mackey!"
Principal Victoria,"Eric, I've had enough! You cannot and you will not sell your books on school grounds! Do I make myself clear?!"
Cartman,"Clear as summer rain! Clear as a flavorless bottle of vitamin water! This school has finally transformed to the socialist whoreland where a student isn't free! Well I'm not gonna be a part of it, do you understand?! I'm leaving this... hypocritical Communist school! i'm walking out and I'm never coming back!"
Announcer,"Live, from the principal's office, these are the morning announcements. Here, is Eric Cartman."
Cartman,"Yesterday, as most of you know, I walked out on this program, and on our school. I was so... fed up with our president's hypocrisies, me not being able to sell my book. I wanted to live in a place where my values were still upheld. And so I decided to leave it all behind and instead just go and live with the Smurfs.  I simply observed the gentle Smurfs at first. I wanted to understand how they could live such simple and decent lives. They were wary of me in the beginning, but slowly I began to earn their trust.  It wasn't long before the gentle Smurfs accepted me as one of their own."
Butters,Whoa...
Cartman,"The smurfs and I grew to understand each other.  They shared with me their art of picking Smurfberries, and I shared with them stories of my country's forefathers. Of course, it wasn't long before ...I fell in love with Smurfette.  We're from two different worlds and yet we spoke the common language of passion."
Kyle,"""These, are the morning announcements."""
Cartman,"Papa Smurf was displeased at first,  He told Smurfette I wasn't a real Smurf and we could never be happy. But I eventually proved myself to Papa Smurf by picking more Smurfberries than any Smurf had ever Smurfed before. Finally, all was right with the world. But then, a crisis. Clumsy Smurf burst into the Smurf ceremony to say that humans had come to destroy all of Smurfland."
Cartman Smurf,"No! No, you must leave the noble Smurfs alone! Who's behind all this?!  I should have known. Wendy!"
Human Wendy,Out of my way!
Cartman Smurf,"Wendy, what are you doing here?!"
Human Wendy,Smurfberries are worth a lot of money. With all those Smurfberries I can power the school for the entire year.
Cartman Smurf,"Wendy, I know you're president of our school, but you can't just dig up the Smurfs' land!"
Human Wendy,Fuck the Smurfs! They can suck my fat tits!
Cartman Smurf,"How many Smurfberries is enough, Wendy?!"
Human Wendy,You can suck my fat tits too!
Cartman Smurf,Smurfette noooo!
Human Wendy,Suck mah fat tits!
Cartman,"And so now our school has plenty of precious unattainable Smurfberries. Yeah well big deal. At what cost did our school president get it? Every Smurf is dead. Wiped out and we will never see them again! Go on, look outside! You won't see any Smurfs!  Of course, since I'm being silenced, I'm not allowed time to show you the entire movie. And so please buy Dances with Smurfs available now on DVD.  The question now is, What happened to morals? What happened to dignity? What happened to my schooool?"
Butters,That does it! Our student council is corrupt and has to be dealt with!
A Melvin,I can no longer stand idly by.
Butters,"We need to get all the kids together who wanna fight back and tell them to meet after school! We will forever remember this day, the day we finally stood up to Wendy Testaburger!"
Casey,It is time for that slutty Smurf-killing bitch to get what's comin' to 'er.
Melvins,Yeah!
Butters,"I don't know about all of you, but I have had enough! We've been sitting back and watching as our school slowly goes into the toilet! But today, we do something about it!  So let's march right over there to Wendy's house and do what we know needs to be done!"
Butters,Let us not forget what happens this day!
A Melvin,Woo on!
Butters,"We are here, Wendy Testaburger!"
Melvin 2,"Take that, school president!"
Melvin 3,Get her good!
Butters,I am.
Wendy,"Hey, what are you doing?"
Butters,The students want answerrrrs! Go on the Morning Announcements if you've got nothing to hide!
Mr. Testaburger,What the hell?
Butters,Wah!  Smurfkiller!  Answer for your crimes on the Morning Announcements!
Mr. Testaburger,"Wendy, did a boy just pee on our door because the Smurfs were murdered?"
Wendy,"It's okay Dad, I'll take care of it."
Cartman,"Thank you so much for finally coming on my show, Wendy."
Wendy,"Yeah, well, Butters peed on my house."
Cartman,People are riled up. Hopefully we can clear the air here this morning.
Wendy,If we could just keep it to questions about Student Council?
Cartman,Of course. That's why we're here.
A Boy,Five seconds.
Cartman,"Don't worry, I won't go too hard on you.  Good morning South Park Elementary, these are the morning announcements. Rehearsals for the school play are cancelled this afternoon. For lunch the cafeteria will be serving meat loaf or veggie pasta. My guest today is the student body president of South Park Elementary, Wendy Testaburger. Wendy, thank you for coming on the show."
Wendy,Sure.
Cartman,"Wendy, I wanna start by asking a pretty straightforward question, and I hope you don't take offense to it."
Wendy,Okay.
Cartman,How many Smurfberries is the life of each Smurf worth?
Wendy,"I don't, I, I have no idea what-"
Cartman,You don't know how many Smurfberries the life of each Smurf is worth.
Butters,"Ohhh, he's got her now!"
Cartman,Would you agree that the school is in a crisis right now?
Wendy,"I believe there is a ...few things wrong with the school, but-"
Cartman,"If a Smurf dies and no one is around to hear it, does it still scream?"
Butters,She's speechless!
Cartman,You are the president of the school. Can you see why many students think you're an ineffective slut? Are you denying that the Smurf holocaust ever happened? Is that what you're suggesting?
Wendy,"Look, Eric, you have to understand. The Smurfberries were our school government's only option."
Cartman,"Yes, and that makes- whoa whoa what?"
Wendy,"What was I supposed to do? The school was running out of power. We tried relocating the Smurfs at first, but they wouldn't budge! So we decided to get somebody on the inside. A member of the school who could act like one of the Smurfs and learn their secrets. But of course you know that, don't you?"
Cartman,What? What do you mean I know that?
Wendy,"I'm just asking a question. We all knew you were sent in to live with the Smurfs, but did you know they would be wiped out?"
Cartman,No! You wiped them all out!
Wendy,"Nobody expected you to fall in love with Smurfette. You went to learn from them, but instead you became one of them, right? Fought against your own kind when you knew we'd stop at nothing! Do you know that one Smurfberry can power the school for two months? One Smurfberry!"
Cartman,"Wait, hold on, can we take a break?"
Wendy,"No, it's okay! It's all out in the open now. I wouldn't have had to kill the Smurfs if they would have simply moved on. But you gave them the will to stay, and I guess... you can't be blamed for that."
Stan,What?!
Wendy,"And that is why... I'm stepping down. You were right all along, Cartman. And I am hereby making you the student body president."
Butters,All right! Cartman's president. We did it.
A Melvin,I'm confused.
Cartman,"Dude, you can't take my Dances with Smurfs idea and turn it into your own thing-"
Wendy,"No, you're right. The students all deserve to know the truth. And so I have answered what really happened in my new book, Going Rogue on the Smurfs."
Cartman,"No! No, dude! You don't just take one person's story and then add a couple of things and call it yours!"
Wendy,"Luckily with the money I made selling the movie rights to my book, I'll be okay."
Cartman,You sold the movie rights to who?!
Wendy,James Cameron. Go look. The movie came out already.
Cartman,Theh- They can't do that! I'm student body president!
Cartman,Oh God damn it! Son of a bitch idea-stealing assholes!  You sons of bitches! Dances with Smurfs was MY idea! MY IDEA!  You can't just take Dances with Smurfs and call it something else!
Cartman,Huh!
Stan,"Dude, what happened? You're not doing the morning announcements anymore?"
Cartman,"No, because it turns out that by rule, the student body president can't also be the morning announcement reader!"
Kyle,"Oh well, at least as president you can run the school the way you want."
Cartman,I can't do jack! I went to my first student council meeting; all we did was talk about what colors to make the stupid Sadie Hawkins dance! Student council's retarded!
Casey,"The sun is up and the birds are chirping. I'm Casey Miller and these, are the morning announcements. I have a letter from second-grade student Brian Falner. Brian writes, ""Dear Casey, why is our school president such a fat stupid dickhead? My desk is broken, and so far Eric Cartman has done nothing about it. Will you please let that walking bowl of anus pus know that we are not happy?"" Well Brian, I couldn't agree more. Our asshole president is a fat smelly douchebag milkshake."
Cartman,I'm doin' the best I can!
Cartman,"We're going to the water park,The water park, the water park.We're going to the water park,Me and my best friends, except for Kyle who I don't like."
Stan,"Okay Cartman, you can stop singing now."
Cartman,"This is gonna be sooo awesome dude. I haven't been to the water park in like, over a year."
Butters,What do you guys wanna do first? I hear they have a new inner tube slide.
Cartman,"No! Dude, we gotta go to the wave pool first. It's so dope, as long as there aren't any minorities."
Jimmy,"Wha-what are you talking about, Eric?"
Cartman,"You know, there's always like five or six minorities wearing their T-shirts in the wave pool, pisses me off."
Stan,We're here! It's the water park!
Randy,"I'm gonna pick you boys up right here at four o'clock, you got it?"
Cartman,"Come on, let's go!"
Stan,"We got it, Dad."
Cartman,Six adorable children please.
Cartman,"Wave pool! Wave pool! Waaave pooool!  Oh, what the hell?!"
Kyle,"All right, what do you guys wanna ride first?"
Stan,"Well Cartman said he wanted to do the wave pool first, right Cartman?"
Cartman,Forget it! Just forget it!
Stan,"Dude, this is awesome."
Kyle,You guys wanna see how long I can hold my breath under water?
Butters,"Hey fellers, fellas hang on. I've gotta go to the bathroom."
Kyle,"Okay, go ahead."
Butters,"Okay, thanks."
Kyle,"I can seriously hold my breath longer than anybody. Somebody time me, all right?"
Stan,Okay.
Kyle,"All right,  check it out, I-  Butters, BUTTERS. What the fuck?! Are you peeing in the pool?!"
Butters,"You said ""go ahead""."
Stan,"Come on Kyle, let's go check out the fireboat."
Kyle,"No dude, Butters' pee is in there."
Stan,"Aw come on, look at all this water. It doesn't matter if one person pees in it."
Butters,"Yeah, come on, Kyle, I'm not the only person who's peed in the pool. Lots of people do."
Kyle,No they don't!
Stan,"Yeah, they do, Kyle."
Jimmy,"To be perfectly frank, I peed in the pool about tututwenty five seconds ago."
Kyle,Dude!
Stan,"Come on, show us how long you can hold your breath."
Kyle,NO!
Cartman,"What has happened to this place?I don’t recognize it anymore.It used to be so fun and special.What is life worth living for?The dream is dead, our land is gone;There’s a hole in my heart and I can’t go on.There are too many minorities (minorities)At my water park (my water park).This was our land, our dream (our dream),and they’ve taken it all away.They just keep coming and coming (minorities).I tried to go and tell the police,But even the authoritiesAre minoritiesAt my water park.There’s no place for me to sit anymore,And the lines just keep getting crazier.There are Mexicans all around me.The lazy river has never been lazier.It’s a 40 minute wait to go down one slide,And the instructions are in Spanish on the Zip Line ride!"
Ride operator,Guarden los brazos y piernas dentro del paseo-
Cartman,Just do it in English!
Cartman,"There are too many minorities (too many)At my water park (somebody do something).Where did they all come from?Why can’t they leave this land alone?And it’s such a tragedy (feel a bit like dying).We looked the other way too long.We’ve got to change our prioritiesAnd get all these minoritiesOut of my water park(Minorities) Mexicans and Asians,(Black people), I think I even saw a Native American (gross).God I’m asking please, get all of these minoritiesOut of my water park (my water park)."
Stan,"After this, you guys wanna hit the hurricane slides?"
Butters,You bet!
Kyle,I'm not getting back in the water.
Stan,"Aw come on, Kyle."
Kyle,"Dude, I just found out that everybody pees in pools. Why would I go back?"
Stan,Not everybody pees in pools.
Kyle,Do you pee in the pool?
Stan,Not today... yet.
Kyle,"Aw, come on!"
Stan,"Well dude, what are you gonna do? Just hang out here at the table all day?"
Kyle,Most likely.
Cartman,"You guys! You guys, we have got problems of Biblical proportions!"
Stan,"Dude, where have you been?"
Cartman,I've been counting. Do you know there are two hundred and five Mexicans here? and there are a hundred and ninety black people!
Kyle,So what?
Cartman,So?! Guess how many white people are at the water park today? One hundred and forty three! There are actually more minorities here than us!
Kyle,"Well then they're not minorities, are they?"
Cartman,...What do you mean?
Kyle,"Dumbass, if there's sixty percent of them to forty percent of us, then who's the minority?!"
Cartman,The black and brown people.
Kyle,"No, you're the minority!"
Cartman,"Do I look like a minority to you, stupid?! Now look guys, I did some calculations: just last year, there were almost ninety percent normal people to minorities. That's fifty percent rise in one, year!"
Stan,This is more math than I've ever seen you do.
Cartman,Because it's important! A fifty percent rise each year means that in three years the world will be only... minorities. That's 2012! The Mayans predicted this!
Butters,The who?
Cartman,The Mayans! They knew that minorities would take over the world by the year 2012! And now it's happening!
Stan,I'm gonna go on the slides.
Butters,Whoopie!
Cartman,"You guys! You guys have to do something to stop this! Come on!  Well, looks like at least you've got some sense left in you, Kyle. So what are we gonna do to keep the Mayan prediction from coming true, buddy?"
Kyle,"Blow it out your ass, Cartman!"
Elderly Woman,"Eugene, that is disgusting! Did you just pee in the pool?"
Elderly Man,"Aw, come on, look how big this pool is. One person peeing in it isn't gonna hurt anything."
Kyle,Eewww!
Water Tester,Oh my God.
Pi Pi,"Ah, gentlemen, I am da Pi Pi. How can I heelp you."
Assistant,"Pi Pi, we have some dire news concerning your water park."
Water Tester,I've just finished some tests. The water in your park is now ninety eight percent pee.
Pi Pi,"Yes, uhso whatsuh is the problem?"
Assistant,"Pi Pi, you know that acceptable pee levels in any water park is eighty three percent.  You have to shut down."
Pi Pi,"What?! I can'tuh close down now, it'she my biggesteh weekend. Everyone is having uhtheh fun."
Water Tester,"You're endangering people's lives!  If those pee levels hit a hundred percent, there's no telling what'll happen!"
Lawyer,And what proof... do you have that the pee levels will go up?
Water Tester,One in three people admit they pee in pools. Add another for people who do but don't admit it; that's two in three. You've got just over five hundred people out there; that's three hundred and thirty two people about to pee in your water!
Pi Pi,"Gehntlemen, pleaseh. I come-a from ada Venice.  Venice is almost all pee. And we doin' just fine. We swim-a in the pee, we sing-a in the pee. You can't barge in here and tell me thuh, that I have to close down just because my wahter park has-a too much pee."
Water Tester,You have to evacuate people now!
Lawyer,He said he's not doing it! And as his lawyer I advise you gentlemen to leave and take your wild pee theories with you!
Water Tester,"If one more person urinates in your pool, it could set off a chain reaction. Then the pee will be on your hands."
Butters,"Oh b-hoy, the waves are startin' up again!"
Stan,"This is sweet, huh Kenny?"
Jimmy,What what's that?
Man 1,It's pee!
Man 2,Look out for the pee!
Kyle,Aaaaah! Gross!
Pi Pi,"Aaaaa, it's-a the peeee!"
Floating Man,Aaaah!
Stan,"Aaaah!  Oh my God, they killed Kenny!"
Kyle,"Aw, sick!"
Fire Marshal,I want that entire water park contained and quarantined until I get some answers.
Randy,What's going on?
Fire Marshal,I told you people to keep civilians back!
Randy,"Sir, please, my son is in there! What's happened?"
Fire Marshal,"We don't know yet, all right?! There's been a pee breach and a lot of people are dead. Now I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to-"
Officer 1,"Captain, these two men claim to know the situation."
Water Tester,"We warned the owner of the park, but he refused to shut down. This was inevitable."
Fire Marshal,So this is all pee-related.
Water Tester,"Yes, I... tested the pH levels this morning."
Fire Marshal,And?
Water Tester,"It was almost all pee, no H."
Randy,Oh my God. I've gotta help him!
Fire Marshal,Stay back!
Randy,You can't just leave my son in there with all that pee!
Officer 2,"Sir, it's possible with the crane we could help any survivors out."
Water Tester,I think that would be a very bad idea.
Fire Marshal,And why is that?
Water Tester,"Anyone inside there is contaminated. We have reason to believe that when people are exposed to that much pee, they... change."
Fireman 1,Change how?
Water Tester,"All right uh brubring in, bring in the monkey.  We've only tested the theory on monkeys so far. This monkey is healthy and normal in every way, but now, watch."
Fire Marshal,"My God, he's become full of rage!"
Kyle,Aahhh...
Stan,"Kyle, quick! You've gotta swim over to us!"
Kyle,No way!
Jimmy,"You've gotta swim over here, Kyle."
Butters,"Come on, Kyle!"
Kyle,"Dude, that's all pee!"
Stan,Well if you don't swim in you're gonna die!
Kyle,I'll die if I do swim in it!
Stan,"Kyle, it's just pee! It's not that big a deal!"
Kyle,Yes it is a big deal! Why do you think everyone washes their hands after they go to the bathroom?!
Stan,"...Well, not everyone washes their hands after they go to the bathroom."
Kyle,...What?!
Stan,"Come on, dude, you've gotta swim."
Kyle,You don't wash your hands after going to the bathroom!
Stan,Not... all the time.
Kyle,That is gross!!
Stan,Why? It's not like you're peeing on your hands! There's more germs on most furniture than there is in pee!
Butters,"Yeah, if anything you should wash your hands before you touch your weiner!"
Stan,"Kyle, come on!"
Kyle,"Ha, Goddamnit!  Haaa. Ohhhh. Ahh, ohh, uhh, agh,"
Butters,Do you need to wash your hands?
Cartman,Help! Help!
Man 1,"Here! Hey kid, grab this stick!"
Cartman,"Yes! Yes help me! Yes, help me I'm just a little boy! You have to help me!  Oh, oh, oh."
Man 2,Are you okay?
Cartman,"Haa-aa. Yes, thank you."
Man 2,Well what are we gonna do now?
Woman 1,We've gotta just wait it out.
Woman 2,"Yeah, but for how long?"
Man 3,We need to find somethin' to paddle with.
Cartman,"Day one. It has happened. The Mayans were right. The only thing they got wrong was the date. It is 2009, and I appear to be the last of my species alive. Now it's just me, all alone, with minorities. What will the minorities do with me? I'm sure that's what on all of their minds. I have to make myself seem useful to them or they will surely not let me live.  Does anyone need medical help? I am a doctor."
Sharon,"Randy, Randy, calm down. I can't understand what you're saying."
Randy,"It's the pee!  It's all pee, and nobody can go in or out!"
Sharon,What is all pee?
Randy,"Sharon, the water park had a pee meltdown! They think a lot of people have died."
Sharon,What?! What about Stan?! Is he okay?!
Randy,"I don't know! The whole water park has been quarantined! They're worried anyone left alive could be... sssome kind of raging, hate-filled mutants."
Sharon,"Randy, you've got to do something!"
Randy,"Calm down, Sharon, all right?!  Calm down! They're trying to find an antidote. Once they believe they can neutralize the enraging effects of the pee, they'll, they'll go in to look for survivors."
Fire Marshal,I said keep the media out! If the public hears about this we'll have a full-scale panic on our hands!  Damn it where is that antidote?!
Researcher 1,"Here! Here! We think we have it, sir!  It's the best we could come up with in such a short time! We aren't sure of the ramifications, but it does appear to neutralize some particles of the urine."
Fire Marshal,"All right, let's test it. Bring in the monkeys!"
Water Tester,"Let's hope to Christ this works.  No, damn it, no!"
Fire Marshal,They're still angry.
Researcher 1,This one's really angry.
Fire Marshal,It's out of control!  Find an antidote that works!
Kyle,"Dude, why aren't people coming to help us?"
Stan,I don't know.
Pi Pi,"Why? Why didn't Pi Pi leesten? They tried to warn-a the Pi Pi, but-a the Pi Pi not-a belieeve them."
Stan,Who are you?
Pi Pi,"Oh I, I'm so sohhry. This all-eh my fault. I should've-a shut my water park-a down when it reached-a ninety percent-a pee."
Kyle,"Yeah, well people should  know that peeing in pools is  bad!"
Pi Pi,But wait-a. Maybe you boys-a can help-a Pi Pi. In-a the maintenance room-a there's the emergency release-a valve-a. If you open the door then the pee can be lowered.
Jimmy,"Okay, w-where's the maintenance room?"
Pi Pi,"That is-a the problem. The maintenance room is a way down on the basement-a level. I would do it but-a Pi Pi is-a no good at-a swimming. Somebody will have to dive-a down into the pee, then stay there to turn the release-a wheel. So, who can hold their breath-a the longest?"
Kyle,No.
Butters,"You said you could hold your breath the longest, Kyle."
Kyle,Not in pee!
Pi Pi,"Please-a you have to hurry!  I'll draw you-a the map, and instructions how to shut off-a the valve-a. It'll be as easy as-a peeing in the shower."
Kyle,Oh who pees in the shower?
Stan,"...Well, it's not like you suddenly have to pee, you're gonna get out of the shower."
Butters,"Well yeah, seeing all that running water makes me always need to pee."
Kyle,"You don't pee in the shower, dude, that's fucking disgusting!"
Pi Pi,"Boys-a please-a, we've got to get this-a boy to the drainage-a valve-a or we're all-a gonna die!"
Kyle,Jesus Christ!
Cartman,"It has been many, many hours since the Apocalypse, and all I keep thinking is ""Why me? Why am I the only one of my race God chose to survive in this minority-run world?"" When the smoke has cleared I'm sure the minorities will start rebuilding, building the world... in their way. I can see it now. Nooo..."
Teacher,"All right, Eric Cartman, let's hear your book report."
Cartman,"I read Treasure Island, because I was so happy when I saw that movie."
Teacher,Hey! You're living in a minority-speaking country now! Say it right!
Cartman,...because I was so happy when I seen that movie.
Teacher,Good.
Cartman,Noooo...  Trying to find a job will be even harder.
Señor Lopez,"You don't expect to make the same amount of money that minorities make, do ya?"
Cartman,"Well, I do just as much work."
Señor Lopez,You're trash around here. You'll never make as much as a minority.
Cartman,Noooo...  Eventually the minorities will do away with me altogether.
Coucilman,All those in favor of putting white people in camps?
Audience,Aye!
Coucilman,All those opposed?
Cartman,Noooo...
Coucilman,The minorities win!
Cartman,"NO! No I don't wanna live in your world, do you understand?! Your world is cold and devoid of any humanity! Just kill me! Kill me now! DO IT!"
Pi Pi,"Okay, there. We are almost-a ready for the diving-a. Now if you run into any da problems you just tug-a three times on the cable and the Pi Pi will-a pull you back-a to the surface."
Kyle,Let's just get this over with!
Pi Pi,You've got-a the map and-a Pi Pi's instructions?
Kyle,Yes.
Pi Pi,Good-a. Now just one last thing.  You need to drink-a some pee.
Kyle,What?!
Pi Pi,You just need to drink about-a three cups of pee.
Kyle,Why?!
Pi Pi,"You swim-a down deep in the pee, you get-a the pressure, the bendza. You have to fill-a inside your body with some-a pee to compensate."
Stan,"That's true dude, didn't you see The Abyss?"
Kyle,"I am not, not, d-rinking pee!"
Pi Pi,"But only you can hold-a the breath a long time, just swim down and-a release the valve! If-eh you don't you get-a the benza, then you fail and we all-a die!"
Stan,"Just drink the pee, Kyle."
Butters,"Please, Kyle, I wanna go home."
Pi Pi,"What's-a the problem? When-a you pee either in the toilet or in the shower it all goes to the sewer. The sewer all goes-a to the ocean, the ocean is the water we all drink, we are always drinking-a the pee!"
Kyle,That doesn't make me feel better! I wouldn't even be able to keep it down.
Pi Pi,"Sure you will, you drank only pee for nine months when you lived-a in your mother's belly."
Kyle,No!
Water Tester,"Make way! Make way! I need to speak to the fire marshal! Sir! Sir, I just got off the phone with my colleagues at the university! They've also been testing antidotes on monkeys! They're claiming that they've had success using simple Musa acuminata."
Researcher 2,"Wait, you mean a banana."
Water Tester,Yes.
Fire Marshal,"Is it possible... the antidote is something as simple as a banana? Get another monkey!  All right, Connors."
Fireman 2,"Holy God, it works!"
Police Captain,"All right, let's start moving in, everyone! Check the-"
Water Tester,"Hold on, ih it is a promising lead, but this antidote hasn't yet been tested on a human."
Randy,I'll do it.  You can test the antidote on me.
Fire Marshal,You sure you want to do this?
Randy,"Give me the banana.  Ugh. Awgh. Aaagh! Awwwwgh! Awwgh, wagh.  Aww, ooogh, Aaaaaaaah."
Researcher 3,He looks agitated...
Randy,"Aaaaaahhh. Aw, awww."
Fire Marshal,"He's losin' it! Stevens, your gun!"
Randy,"No, wait, wait! Ugh. Eugh. I... I'm okay."
Water Tester,He's all right!
Fireman 3,The banana worked!
Stan,"Come on, dude!"
Kyle,I'm thinking about it!
Jimmy,"Well it's probably bu-better if you don't think about it, Kyle."
Pi Pi,There's no more time-a. You have to drink-a the pee NOW!
Kyle,"Gah, ah.  Gaagh."
Pi Pi,"Come on, you have to drink aaall-a the peeeee."
Butters,"You can do it, Kyle!"
Kyle,Aaahh. Well-  AAAAH!
Pi Pi,"All right, now you can open the release-a valve. Okay, so let's-a"
Butters,Hey look!
Randy,Stan!
Stan,"All right, they finally came for us."
Kyle,Are you fucking kidding me?!
Randy,"Wait here a minute, Stan, I'm gonna call your mother."
Cartman,Guys? Guys!  Oh it's true! You all did survive!
Butters,"Hawww, you lived?"
Cartman,"Oh my God, you guys! I really thought I was the only non-minority on Earth! How many of our species survived?"
Kyle,"That wasn't the Mayan apocalypse, you racist idiot!"
Cartman,"It wasn't? So then, you mean... we do have until 2012. Well, it may be only three years, but... I intend to live those precious years to the fullest!"
Kyle,Will somebody just get me to a hospital? I need to get my stomach pumped!
Stan,"Aw come on, it was just a little pee, Kyle."
Kyle,"Goddamnit, don't you get it?! I hate pee! I'm grossed out by pee! The only thing I find more disgusting than pee is bananas!"
Water Tester,"All right everyone, quick! Here you go!"
Butters,What's this?
Fire Marshal,You all need to eat your banana immediately!
Kyle,What the hell for?!
Stevens,Eat the banana or we have to put you down!
Kyle,AAAAAAAA!
Character,Line
Man,"Put it down, you bitch!"
Man,"Put the golf club down, you crazy bitch!"
Woman,You motherfucker! I never should have married you!
Tiger,"You're overreacting, you stupid Swedish cow!"
Elin,Then why-a the fuck are you getting a text-a message from some-a low-life-a hooker on Thanksgiving?!
Tiger,"God, shut up!  Shut! Up!  Where are my fucking pills?!"
Elin,"Oh yeah! Take more vitamins, Tiger! That'll help!!"
Tiger,Will you just listen to me?!
Elin,Listen to this-a!
Tiger,Aaaah!  You fucking whore!
Elin,Oh where the fuck do ya think-a you're going?!
Tiger,I'm getting the fuck away from you!
Elin,"Open the door, you motherfucker!"
Cartman,"Ooo yeah, take that from me in the car, Kenny!"
Stan,What are you guys doing?
Cartman,"Dude, check it out! It's EA Sports Tiger Woods PGA Tour '11 for Xbox."
Tiger,"D'Aaaah! Fuck you, cunt!"
Cartman,"Stop breaking through the window, Kenny! Whoa, I'm gonna crash I'm gonna crash!"
Tiger,"Aw, look what you did, you crazy bitch!"
Elin,"It serves you right, you cheating turd!"
Cartman,"Oh dude, was that a combo move?"
Kenny,"(Yeah dude, I fucked you up.)"
Cartman,"Dude, here come the cops! We've gotta lie to them. Hit X to lie."
Kyle,"Wow, I didn't know golf games were this cool."
Cartman,"Yeah dude, EA Sports outdid themselves this time."
Chairman,"I've gathered you together here because you are the best minds our country has to offer. As you've all seen on the news, our country is facing a major crisis, and we need to find out what's causing it.  Why? Why are rich successful men suddenly going out and trying to have sex with lots of women?"
Expert 1,"Tiger Woods was only the most prevalent, but our data shows that the numbers are growing. David Letterman and before that, Bill Clinton. There's a pattern here, people."
Expert 2,Why would a man who's famous and makes tons of money use that and have sex with lots of different women?
Chairman,Aand these rich celebrities have perfectly good wives at home. Why would they even think of sex with others? Dammit!  I want answers!
Expert 3,"We believe that it may be an outbreak of sex addiction, sir."
Chairman,Sex awhowho?
Expert 4,"It's a new phenomena we don't completely understand yet, but it... seems to make people... different. Of course, we all know the normal healthy male thinks only of sex occasionally and has no desire for sex with multiple partners."
Expert 5,Definitely true.
Chairman,"Yes, we all know that, go on."
Expert 4,"But in the sex addict, their entire lives are consumed with thoughts of wanting more and more. The mere sight of an attractive woman could... can make them think about sex with her."
Expert 6,But what about love? How could tons of fame and money make you forget about love?
Chairman,What could be causing this outbreak of sexual addiction?
Expert 7,"It could be caused by something in the water supply. Uh, perhaps even by - global warming."
Expert 8,Or cooling.
Expert 9,Yes
Expert 7,"If.so, then the disease could start to affect our children"
Chairman,That does it!  I want health screening at all our nation's schools! We need to find out if any young people might be carrying this disease.
Expert 9,"Good afternoon, students. We are going to be a doing a health screening today. It won't take long, it'll be relatively painless, but we need to see if any students are showing... symptoms.  I'n a moment, I'm going to show you a suggestive picture.  And then I'm going to ask you a question about that picture. Alright, ready? Here we go."
The class,Oh! Wow. Ohhh.
Kenny,(Woo hoo!)
Kyle,"Jesus, dude."
Butters,"Holy moly, what's that between the lady's legs? It's all bushy."
Expert 9,"Please just study the picture the best you can, students. I'll then ask you the question which you'll answer on the paper provided."
Butters,I've never seen that part of a lady! Do they all got a hedge like that? Do they??
Expert 9,"Okay, very good.  Now, what color... was the handkerchief in the nice lady's hand? Write down your answer, please: what color was the handkerchief... in the nice lady's hand?"
Butters,Did you see that bush on that lady?? What the heck was that??
Expert 9,"Very good, turn your answers over please."
Butters,"Gee whiz, it was like almost up to her belly button!"
Expert 9,"Alright, now, who answered that the handkerchief was... yellow?  Very good, very good indeed. Now I'd like to see who answered ""What handkerchief?""  A-ha! You three boys, please come with me."
Kyle,"I didn't see a handkerchief. Did you see a handkerchief, Kenny?"
Kenny,"(Fuck no, I wasn't looking at a handkerchief!)"
Expert 9,"I'm sorry boys, but I'm afraid you three have tested positive for sex addiction."
Kyle,What?!
Butters,Oh no!
Kenny,(Who fuckin' cares?)
Expert 9,"We're gonna have to send you home, I'm afraid."
Kyle,"Wait, we're sex addicts? Uh-are you sure?"
Expert 9,"Our nice-lady-with-the-handkerchief test is extremely comprehensive and thorough. I'm sorry, but you're simply too dangerous to have around normal, well-adjusted students."
Butters,It was just... so big and bushy sir. Why does it look like that?
Kyle,So what happens to us now?
Expert 9,"A life of desperation and anguish, I'm afraid. Your addiction will start off slowly - magazines, Internet sites - but then, as you keep chasing your high your tastes will get more and more dangerous. Most likely you'll end up going the way of David Carradine and Michael Hutchence: autoerotic asphyxiation."
Kenny,(Autoerotic asphyxiation? What's that?)
Expert 9,"I don't want to go into too much detail but... you choke yourself with a belt around your neck while masturbating dressed up like Batman or something, then you pass out from lack of air and apparently it makes your orgasm super awesome."
Kenny,(Really??)
Butters,Oh no. I don't wanna have to buy a Batman costume.
Chairman,"Ladies and gentlemen, for the past several days we've been screening our nation's schools for signs of sex addiction. The results of our tests are troubling to say the least. Dr. Tonton?"
Dr. Tonton,"In fourth graders, five percent of male students were found to be sex addicts. By sixth grade the number goes up to thirty percent. At high schools, nearly ninety-one percent of male students answered, ""What handkerchief?"""
Chairman,"We're facing a sex addiction epidemic in our country. Young people all over America are infected, and at extreme risk to themselves and to the people around them.  They're leading lives of secret pain."
Reporter 1,And so these infected boys will soon be secretly wishing they could be having sex all the time with lots of different people?
Chairman,It appears so.
Reporter 1,The poor bastards!
Reporter 2,But what about us normal healthy adults? Are we at risk of exposure?
Chairman,"We don't believe so. In adult males, for whatever reason, sex addiction only seems to be problematic amongst rich successful celebrities.  However, we are still collecting data, and all-"
Randy,Why would wealth and success cause a man to go out and have sex with everyone he could?
Chairman,"-answers which we all desire.  Whatever is causing this outbreak, we guarantee we will find it!"
Mrs. McCormick,"Kenny, it's time for dinner!  Kenny?  AAAA!"
Priest,"Sunset and Evening Star, and one clear call for me, and may their be no moaning of the bar when I put out to sea."
Kyle,"Oh God, it's true."
Priest,"But such a tide as moving seems asleep, too full for sound and foam, when that which drew from out the boundless deep t-"
Butters,"There! It was like that! It looked just like that!  Just like this, buh, but smaller, and right in the place where her underwear should've been. If I trim it down, it'll look right.."
Kyle,"Butters! Butters, stop it!"
Butters,But this is what I keep seeing in my head!
Kyle,"Butters, we are sick! Don't you get it?! We're gonna end up just like Kenny!"
Butters,"No, uh, if I can just see it again, I, I'll be fine."
Kyle,"No! Butters, stop!"
Butters,Haah! Leave me alone!
Kyle,"Stop it! Stop!  Oh God! Oh God, help us!"
Commentator,Tiger... lines up his drive. He'll be hoping for a birdie here. Concentration is key.
Elin,You motherfucker! I never should have married you!
Tiger,"Aaagh! Goddamnit, stop it!"
Elin,How many women did you fuck-a?! How many?!
Stan,"Aw dude, I clocked you!"
Cartman,"I told you this game was sweet, dude."
Stan,"Hang on, hang on, I'm switching to a 7-iron."
Cartman,"Oh! O-oh! Oh man, I lost another endorsement! How'd you do that?"
Stan,Hit A and X together.
Announcer,Round 2. Fight!!
Cartman,"Oh, you're going down, Elin!"
Stan,"I don't think so dude, I got the pre-nup power-up."
Announcer,Pre-nup power-up.
Cartman,Oh no!  Pre-nup? Weak. When'd you get that power-up?
Therapist,"All right, sex addicts. What other destructive behaviors that we engaged in that led to our ultimate downfall?  Anyone have another example? Let's see, how about... David!"
David Letterman,"Haha, Oh, ahh, having sex with employees."
Therapist,"""Sex with employees."" Definitely a danger there. What else? Uh, Mr. Clinton."
Bill Clinton,Putting cigars in girls' vaginas?
Therapist,"Very good, Billy.  ""cigars in vaginas."" Not the best idea there."
Charlie Sheen,Watching Internet porn all day every day?
Therapist,"Spot on, Charlie Sheen! Excessive  ""Internet porn."" Now, the reason we are making this list is that we have new members today. I want you all to welcome Kyle and Bummers. The men all turn to look at the boys, who are seated in the last row."
Kyle,Hello?
The men,"Hey Kyle, hi Kyle."
Therapist,"And would you care to share your stories with us, boys?"
Kyle,"Well, I just found out I'm a sex addict. I'm so scared, I haven't even told my mom yet."
Bill Clinton,Does your mom have big tits?
Therapist,Billy!
Bill Clinton,Sorry...
Butters,"Me, I just... Well I just can't stop thinking about bush."
Ben Roethlisberger,I heard that.
Butters,"I mean it's like, what is it? What does it mean? Why would there be a bush right there? Is it a live bush? Are there berries?"
Therapist,"Mr. Duchovny, please stop jerking off!"
David Duchovny,"Aw, gee whiz!"
Expert 4,"To better understand the sex addiction outbreak, we've been running tests on chimpanzees.  You can see that this entire community of specimens are getting along normally, some pairing off, others on their own, but now see this chimp here.  An average adult normal male blending in seamlessly with the others. Now watch. We're going to give it a lot of money.  Go ahead."
Chairman,My God...
Expert 4,Yes...  The subject is now isolated and shunned.
Chairman,"Incredible. And, and what's it doing now?"
Expert 4,Making a public apology on its talk show.
Therapist,"Alrighty. Now, we all know the destructive behaviors that got us into this predicament, don't we? What is the main thing we've all learned to avoid?  Yes, Tiger?"
Tiger Woods,Avoid drugs? And alcohol?
The other men,Auugh!
Therapist,"No, no, Tiger, you still aren't getting it.  In order to make sure we are no longer destroying our lives with any of these behaviors, we must avoid... anyone? Avoid getting... anyone?"
Michael Douglas,Caught.
Therapist,"Yes, Michael Douglas! Everyone!"
The Men,Getting caught.
Therapist,Very good! You are all here in therapy  because you got caught! So how do we avoid getting caught? Ben Rothlisberger?
Ben Rothlisberger,Don't screw girls in the public bathrooms?
David Letterman,"When they uh ask you for money, pay them."
Therapist,"Good, yes!"
Kyle,"Whoa, hang on! We shouldn't be learning how not to get caught. We have to take responsibility for our actions."
Bill Clinton,What the fuck are you talkin' about?
Kyle,"Well, ah I mean, we have to accept that we have a problem, and put the blame completely on ourselves. I mean, maybe this isn't really even a disease."
Therapist,"Yeah, it's me. We've got a turd in the punch bowl. I repeat, we have a turd in the punch bowl."
Chairman,"Mr. President, in every test the results were the same. The monkeys who were given cash always acted out their sexual addiction to dangerous levels. It appears that money has a direct effect on the virus's ability to develop."
Obama,So we must keep our nation's youth away from money and success.
Chairman,"No good, Mr. President. Because we've learned that sex addicts will find ways to make money and become successful in order to feed their addiction."
Obama,You mean boys will start working towards being rich and successful just so they can one day have sex with lots of women??
Chairman,"Yes. That's why we decided to look at the cash itself for clues! We tried to find something in the hundred dollar bill that could explain why this is happening now. Then we looked at the backside, and found this.  Independence Hall."
Obama,The birthplace of our country.
Chairman,We believe something is happening in Independence Hall that gives money its power over men.
Obama,"Independence Hall... Independence Day... Aliens... Gentlemen, I might know what's causing the sex addiction outbreak. This is highly classified, but... in 1947 a flying saucer was discovered in Roswell, New Mexico. Two deceased alien bodies were recovered and hidden from public knowledge. They carried... a virus with them. A virus that only barely stopped from spreading all over the country."
Chairman,And you think that these aliens... could be back with a new virus? One originating from Independence Hall causing rich successful men to have sex with lots of women?!
Obama,It's the only explanation that makes any sense.
Tiger,I want to say that I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior. I know that I have severely disappointed all of you. Some have speculated that my wife somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving Night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. She has shown nothing but grace and poise-
Elin,You motherfucker!
Tiger,Oh no!
Elin,I should have never married  youuu!
Tiger,Agh! Stop it!
Elin,A porn star?! You screwed a porn star?!
Cartman,"Dude, you found another girl's phone number on my cell phone??"
Stan,"Yeah, back in that water level.  Is Kyle still at sex-addiction therapy? That must be really intense."
Kyle,"Okay so, what exactly are we doing now?"
Therapist,We are on our way to help take of your diseases once and for all!
Butters,"Oh good, 'cause I really can't take it anymore."
Therapist,"Don't worry, as soon as it's dead everything will make sense."
Kyle,...As soon as what's dead?
Therapist,The infected alien that they just discovered is hiding out at Independence Hall!
SWAT Officer 1,"Entrance is clear, Mr. President."
Chairman,"Mr. President, you aren't safe here. Let us handle this."
SWAT Officer 2,Right side clear!
Expert 4,We must be careful. The alien could have cast some kind of spell of invisibility.
Obama,Which would mean that the alien is also a wizard.
Expert 10,"Yes! It explains everything! A wizard alien would be able to cast a spell on our species, causing all the men to become sex addicts."
Obama,Enough! We need to find the wizard alien and break his spell.
SWAT Officer 2,"Okay okay alright alright, hang, hang on guys. I mean, come on, this is getting a little ridiculous. Wizard aliens? We all know what's going on here, don't we? Whenever a story breaks about some rich famous guy going around and having sex with tons of girls, we all wanna act like we don't understand it, but we do. We're guys, you know? Our brains are wired to strive to be the alpha male and get all the women we can.  I mean, look where we are. Even, even Benjamin Franklin screwed everything that moved. Because he could. We don't have to condone what these rich, famous people do, but... we can at least admit that, given the same temptations and opportunities that somebody like Tiger Woods has, a lot of us guys might do somethin' similar."
Obama,We have a turd in the punch bowl.
Secret Service Agent,Turd in the punch bowl.
SWAT Officer 2,"Hey, what are you doin- No. No, come on.  Where are you takin' me?"
News 4 Reporter,"Ten city blocks have been shut down because an alien is believed to have taken refuge here in Independence Hall. By all accounts, the alien is also a wizard, who could very easily be the cause of the outbreak of sex addiction in our country."
SWAT Officer 3,"Mr. President, here they are."
Therapist,"This is the boy I told you about. And his friend, Bummers."
Chairman,"Son, we were told that you think sex addiction can be controlled. That it just takes restraint. Is that true?"
Kyle,I just think I'd rather... control it instead of blame it on anything.
Chairman,A-mazing. Then the wizard alien spell might not have any power over him! He could draw the bastard out!
Obama,"Quick, give that boy a gun!"
Kyle,What?
SWAT Officer 3,You'd better take one too.
Obama,"Alright, everyone to the stairwell. The bastard's gotta be upstairs."
Kyle,What bastard?
Obama,"The alien wizard hiding out here! Come on, we've got tuh-"
Chairman,The hell was that?
SWAT Officer 4,I got a baaad feelin' about this.
Dr. Tonton,Oh my God there it is!
Chairman,It's the alien wizard! It's gonna get you boys! Shoot it!
Obama,Shoot it boys!
Expert 6,You have to shoot it!
Chairman,"Shoot it again, it's still alive!"
SWAT Officer 5,You gotta reload!
Expert 4,"Keep firing, boys! Shoot it in the heart!"
Obama,Keep shooting it!
Expert 11,Shoot him in his blabber mouth!
Chairman,"My God, they've done it!"
Bill Clinton,Look! The sex addiction! It's leavin' my body!
David Letterman,I can feel it! I'm free!
Another addict,We are healed!
Obama,"We watched... as sex addiction ran rampant through our country. It devastated families. But once again, our great country has risen up as one. The wizard alien... is dead. Sex addiction is no more. And if a rich celebrity is caught again trying to screw lots of women, we will know it isn't because men are just like that, it's because a wizard alien has cast his mighty spell."
Randy,"Oh I'm so glad it's over, Sharon. Aren't you?"
News 4 Reporter,"We are now with the young boys who helped stop the alien. Boys, how does it feel to be free of your illness?"
Kyle,I guess it... feels great. Thanks.
Butters,"Yeah, it feels great! I never wanna see bush again!  I finally paid a lady to show me hers. You wanna know what's under that bush? Nothin' but a pair of sick Joker lips."
Tiger,"I am so happy that I am cured, and no longer have any desire to have sex with anyone but my beautiful wife. Now I can be faithful. And my wife won't feel any need to get revenge by sleeping with a bunch of guys.  So I officially announce my return to golf."
Cartman,What the hell?! This game's all boring now!
Stan,"Yeah, where's all the fighting?"
Cartman,"Dude, screw this!  Who wants to hit a dumb little ball around?!"
Stan,"Yeah, golf is stupid again."
Mr. Garrison,"Okay kids, let's take our seats.  There has been a change in school policy, and so I'm assigning you all a book to read."
Cartman,"Aww, books? God, I hate those!"
Mr. Garrison,"Now, kids, this book is very controversial and has just been taken off the banned books list."
Cartman,Oh really? Sweet.
Mr. Garrison,"It's called The Catcher In The Rye, and it has some very... risqué parts..."
Stan,All right!
Mr. Garrison,...and strong vulgar language...
Kenny,"(Awesome, dude!)"
Mr. Garrison,...and in fact many schools across the country still ban this book because it's thought to be so inappropriate.
Cartman,"Oho man, I can't wait!"
Mr. Garrison,"Tonight I want you to read chapters one through five, and tomorrow we'll discuss the-"
Cartman,"No on, come on, let's read it now!"
Kyle,"Mr. Garrison, didn't the guy who shot John Lennon say it was because of this book?"
Mr. Garrison,"Uh-yes, apparently John Lennon's killer said he was inspired by The Catcher In The Rye, but he was just a kook!"
Cartman,"Whoa, you're telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate, and made a guy shoot the king of hippies? Can we please read this right now?!"
Mr. Garrison,"You will read it at home,  and you will all be mature about its adult themes and language!"
Class,Awww!
Stan,Did you get to any dirty parts yet?
Kyle,"No, it's still just some whiny, annoying teenager talking about how lame he is."
Stan,"I don't get it dude, w-what's so controversial about this? All he's done is said ""shit"" and ""fuck"" a few times."
Kyle,I know. I'm almost at the end and there's nothing.
Cartman,"Motherfucker!  The whole thing! I read the whole fucking thing! I kept thinking, ""alright, I guess the cool offensive stuff must be coming,"" and then after like a hundred pages I was like ""alright, I guess all the dirty stuff is at the end,"" and then I got to the last page, and I was all ""the fuck is this?! I just read a book! For nothing!"""
Kyle,Why the hell was this book banned?!
Cartman,"They fucking tricked us, that's what they did! Tricked us into reading a book by, enticing us with promises of vulgarity!"
Kenny,"(Dude, what the fuck is so filthy or offensive in here?)"
Cartman,"We know, we were just saying that."
Stan,Why would anyone think this book so obscene or dangerous?
Butters,"Kill John Lennon...  Kill John Lennon... Kill John Lennon...  Kill John Lennon!  Hey dad, where does John Lennon live?"
Stephen,"John Lennon's dead, Butters."
Butters,Aww. Dangit.
Kyle,"Dude, some people really do consider this obscene."
Cartman,"It's not obscene, dude! I'll show them fucking obscene!"
Stan,"Hey yeah, we should write our own banned book."
Cartman,"Yeah, we could get a book banned way more than this one."
Kyle,"Yeah, sweet."
Kenny,(Awesome.)
Kyle,The Tale of...
Cartman,The Tale of... Scrotie McDickinass.
Kenny,"(No, No, Scrotie McBoogerballs)"
Kyle,"Oh that's,  yeah that's good, that's good. Alright, chapter... one..."
Cartman,It was a... a warm spring morning.
Sharon,"""The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs""?  ""It was a warm summer morning when Scrotie McBoogerballs awoke to find his""...  Ew. ""He took a...""  What? Oh. OH! Oh my God! ""He then grabbed his dog's""  Ehohoh, oh my God! ""Walking out of his house he spotted the bloodiest pus-covered""  Nooo! Nooo!  Noho! Nooo!"
Sharon,"Randy?  Randy! Randy, you need to read this!"
Randy,Read what?
Sharon,This book! Our son and his friends wrote it!
Randy,So?
Sharon,"Soo? Randy, it's, it's, it's really good!"
Randy,Huh?
Sharon,"I mean it's disgusting.  It's, it's the most disgusting thing I've ever read, but, the plot is amazing. And the characters are so... vivid!"
Randy,"""It was a warm summer morning when Scrotie McBoogerballs awoke to find hi-"" Ew, Sharon, gross!"
Sharon,"Nono, just keep reading."
Randy,"""He took a- and then-"" Oh, man. Oh, this-"
Sharon,"I know. I know, Randy, but trust me. You've gotta push through to the end."
Randy,"Noo, noo, that's just WRONG!"
Sharon,Randy please! You've got to listen to me!
Randy,"""Walking out of the house he found a bloody pu-"" What? ""He immediately stuck up his im...fected ba-""  ""That was all long ago in some brief lost spring, in a place that is no more. In that hour the vaj frogs begin and the scent off Scrotie's infected anus becomes its strongest."" Oh... Oh, man."
Sharon,Well?
Randy,It's... it's awesome. Sharon it's it's the best book I've ever read.
Sharon,Right? It's not just me.
Randy,"No, it's... I mean, the whole part about Amsterdam, wow!"
Sharon,"What do we do, Randy? We can't support our son talking like this, but I, I mean."
Randy,"NO! I kn... I know! People need to read this book, Sharon, this is... this is Pulitzer prize stuff."
Cartman,"Hehehhh, you're dead, Kenny!"
Stan,"Guys, guys! We are totally fucked! The book is gone from my dresser drawer. My parents must have found it!"
Cartman,...so why are we all fucked? They'll think you wrote it all.
Stan,"Hey hey! I'm not taking the heat for this alone! We all wrote it! If I'm going down, somebody has to go down with me!"
Kyle,"Well if I'm going down, Cartman's going down!"
Cartman,"And if I'm going down, both Kyle and Kenny are definitely going down!"
Stan,"Well dude, somebody has got to go down!"
Cartman,"Butters, what are you up to?"
Butters,Oh hey fellas. I'm just watching the Kardashians
Kim,Today my sisters and I are gonna have to wash something. It's gonna blow!
Butters,Kim Kardashian is sooo sexy. Her butt is like a biiig mountain of pudding.
Stan,"Butters, listen: you are in big trouble!"
Butters,I am?
Cartman,"Yeah, you remember that book you wrote? Stan's mom found it."
Butters,Oh no. Which book was that?
Cartman,"Dude, the book you left with us when you were sleepwalking last night!"
Butters,I don't even remember that.  But it all makes sense now. Ever since I read The Catcher In The Rye I've been having these... blackouts. Crazy thoughts of wanting to kill the phonies. I must have channeled all my angst into dark writings in my sleep!
Sharon,"Alright boys, we need to get to the bottom of this."
Sheila,We've all read the book now and it is very shocking to say the least.
Stan,"Okay, well... a-actually it was all written by... Butters."
Cartman,That's right.
Randy,Butters? Is that true?
Butters,"Yeah, though I barely remember it, but I know I did."
Gerald,"Well Butters, we think... that this is one of the BEST books we've ever read."
Butters,Huh?
Kyle,What?
Gerald,"Yeah, it's really amazing."
Butters,"Oh, thanks."
Sheila,"We were actually so moved by your book, Butters, that we brought Mr. Needlebaum from Penguin Publishing to read it."
Mr. Needlebaum,"Mr. Butters, we would like to offer you a deal for first publishing rights to your brilliant novel."
Stan,"Hey, wait a minute, that's ours!"
Kyle,"Yeah, we wrote that!"
Randy,"Ohkay boys, you already told the truth."
Kyle,"No, no, w-we we really did write it. Tell them, Butters."
Butters,I wrote that.
Stephen,Really amazing.
Stan,What? Hey!
News Anchor,"It is being called the most disgusting, foul, sickening book ever written, and it is also being called ""literary genius."" The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs hit the shelves this weekend, and so far no one has been able to get through the first paragraph without vomiting."
News Anchor,The book has already sold millions of copies worldwide aaand has been translated into twenty six languages.
News Anchor,"The book is changing the literary world. And it is all thanks... to Leopold ""Butters"" Stotch."
Clyde,"Hey, here he comes!"
Mr. Adler,"Amazing book, Butters."
Butters,Thank you!
Mrs. Streibel,"You've changed my life, young man."
Butters,That's nice.
Cartman,"Butters, what the fuck do you think you're doing?!"
Butters,"Just enjoying myself. Why, Eric?"
Kyle,"Butters, you know goddamned well you didn't write that book!"
Butters,"But, you told me I did!"
Stan,"Yeah, but that was when we thought we were gonna get in trouble, asshole!"
Red,"Hey hey, you leave Butters alone! He's a very fragile artist."
Lola,He's so brooding and full of angst.
Butters,"Yeah, I'm broooding."
Cartman,Butters doesn't deserve any credit for Scrotie McBoogerballs! We deserve all the credit!
Rebecca,"Oh God, you guys are pathetic!"
Lola,"Yeah, get a life and stop mooching off others' success for once."
Stan,God-damnit!
Kyle,"Butters, do you really think it's fair to lie like this?! Let me tell you, if you don't have the-"
Butters,"No, let me tell you somethin', fellers! You always take advantage of me, and after reading The Catcher in the Rye, I've learned you're nothing but phonies! I'm not letting you trick me this time! So the four of you can just suck on my wiener!"
Cartman,That inconsiderate jerk!
Announcer,"Today on Today: We meet the author of the book that has swept the nation, and has now spawned TV's most popular game show, ""How Long Can You Listen To Scrotie McBoogerballs On Audiobook""  ""And Not Vomit?""  The book is full of disgusting words and acts, including Sarah Jessica Parker, who is mentioned four hundred and sixty-five times.  Matthew Broderick, are you upset your wife is made fun of so much in the book?"
Broderick,"Well, obviously. I just think it's wrong to make fun of anybody's physical appearance. My wife is a beautiful woman and I know that most people agree with me."
Announcer,"Uh huh, and Matthew, how come a transvestite donkey witch is standing next to you, and why is it wearing a dress?"
Matt Lauer,"Joining us now is the author of the book, Leopold Stotch, along with his parents."
Stephen,Hello Matt
Linda,Hi everyone.
Matt Lauer,You must be pretty proud of your son.
Stephen,"Oh, we certainly are. We're thrilled to learn he's so very talented."
Meredith Vieira,And we also learned that your son is grounded. Is that correct?
Stephen,"Yes, we did have to ground him for the language in the novel of course."
Butters,I have to come right to my room after school.
Stephen,But we are very very proud nonetheless.
Al Roker,"Young man, now that you are a respected author, have you met any famous people?"
Butters,"Not yet, but as soon as I'm not grounded anymore, I'm hopin' to meet Kim Kardashian. I wanna jump on her belly."
Matt Lauer,"All right, uh, yeah huh. Butters, my favorite part of your novel was when Scrotie McBoogerballs slid his head up into the horse's  Sorry, I uh, was that chapter a slam on health care reform as people suggested?"
Butters,"Uh... yeah, pretty much, I think, think so."
Meredith Vieira,Is that why the doctor character pulls out all the strings?
Al Roker,"Little boy, are you ever worried somebody might take your book wrong and try to kill someone, like when that guy tried to shoot Ronald Reagan after reading The Catcher in the Rye?"
Butters,"Oh, is that who the book was tellin' me to kill? Ohhh.  Kill Ronald Reagan.  Kill Ronald Reagan."
Al Roker,"Ronald Reagan is dead now, Butters."
Butters,"Oh really?  Oh yeah, gosh dangit."
Stan,"More and more of us are against this book every day! The author is cruel and offensive! And for these reasons, we demand this book be banned from all school, stores, and libraries! This book is nothing but smut and vulgarity purely for the sake of smut and vulgarity!"
Assemblyman 1,That's just because you're too young to understand the underlying themes.
Cartman,There are no underlying themes! We know that for a fact!
Assemblyman 2,You just fail to understand what the author meant.
Kyle,The author meant to be as gross as possible because it was funny!
Assemblyman 3,"No, no no, that's such a simplistic view."
Stan,Goddamnit there is no deeper meaning in this book! Read it again!
Assemblywoman 1,"Oh, so you're suggesting that the author just arbitrarily made fun of Sarah Jessica Parker for no reason?"
Kyle,Yes!
Assemblywoman 1,But what would be the point?
Cartman,There is no point! It's just because Sarah Jessica Parker is fuckin' ugly!
Assemblywoman 2,No writer would take the time to make fun of Sarah Jessica Parker just because they think she's ugly.
"Stan, Kyle, Cartman",Yes they would!
Assemblywoman 2,It is because Miss Jessica Parker is a metaphor in the book for oppression felt by the lower class.
Stan,"What? Dude, that is not in the book at all!"
Assemblyman 2,"Boys, this book is an important look at how liberals are hurting this country."
Stan,What?
Assemblywoman 2,"Wait, Scrotie McBoogerballs is the most conservative-hating liberal in literature!"
Assemblyman 2,What book did you read?!
Stan,There's nothing about liberals or conservatives!
Assemblyman 4,"Ohohh yeah, then why did Sarah Jessica Parker's butt-cheese end up in Scrotie's milkshake?"
Field Reporter,"Breaking news from acclaimed author Leopold Stotch. The artist has announced that he is working on a second novel as a followup to his wildly successful bestseller. We got a statement from the writer, who is still grounded in his room."
Field Reporter,Can you give the public any idea what the new book is about?
Butters,"Well, it's kind of about love and betrayal! The inner workings of the human mind!"
Field Reporter,Will it be as sick and disgusting as your first book?
Butters,"Oh it's raunchy alright! I know what my readers want, and I'm going to deliver!"
Stephen,"Butters, away from the window! You are being grounded!"
Butters,"Sorry Dad, I was just bein' the voice of a generation."
Stan,I can't believe they won't ban our book!
Kyle,I know! It's so much worse than Catcher in the retarded Rye!
Kenny,(It's fucking disgusting!)
Cartman,"All right you guys, I know what we have to do.  We've got to kill Sarah Jessica Parker."
Kyle,What?!
Cartman,"Think about it, guys. If somebody kills Sarah Jessica Parker, then they'll assume that somebody did it because of what was in the book. Then the book will get banned."
Kyle,"Dude, we're not killing Sarah Jessica Parker!"
Cartman,"Shhh.  Be right with you.  We don't have to kill her, we can just help her get killed."
Stan,"Shut up, Cartman! Just face it. We lost this one."
Cartman,Kenny... we only have to help her get killed and then we totally get back at Butters.
Kenny,(Okay.)
Cartman,"Ms. Jessica Parker, over here."
Matt,"Well, the day has finally arrived. The eagerly awaited second novel from the author of Scrotie McBoogerballs hit the shelves this morning and apparently, bookstores are jammed."
Meredith,"Al, how is it out there?"
Al,"I don't know if you could see this, guys, but uh, the line stretches all the way around the block. People waiting for their turn to get inside the bookstore and read the novel.  And they brought trash bags and buckets to throw up in. Just a festive atmosphere here, Matt and Meredith."
Meredith,"Well, we've got our vomit buckets ready too, because coming up, a very special in-studio treat."
Matt,"That's right, we are going to have a reading of the first five chapters of the book here live in our studio. Na-now we must warn you that this is from the same author who wrote the most graphic, obscene novel of all time, so... brace yourselves for some very harsh language. Take it away Morgan Freeman."
Morgan Freeman,"The Poop That Took A Pee Chapter 1: Douglas had to poop. His butt was all stinky because he had to poop so badly. There was a gross woman named Rebecca who was sunbathing all naked, and she was fat. Douglas walked up to her and said, ""I need to poop."" ""Okay,"" Rebecca replied, ""I like poop."" Douglas squatted down  over the fat sunbathing lady and went poop. The poop sat there on Rebecca's boobs looking like a wiener.  Chapter 2..."
Cartman,See any hunters yet?
Kenny,(Not yet)
Cartman,"Doing good, Ms. Jessica Parker! Just hang out, right there."
Kyle,"Guys, stop, stop!  We don't have to do this!"
Kenny,(Huh?)
Kyle,Butters wrote a second book!
Cartman,So what?
Stan,"So dude, if Butters wrote a second book, then everyone's gonna know he couldn't have written the first one!"
Kyle,We can get people to believe us now!
Cartman,"Oh dude, sweet!"
Morgan Freeman,"""Why are we here?"" Douglas cried as poop came out his wiener, in a long, thin strip. It was... wiener poop, which is the grossest poop of all."
Shopper 1,"""The pee he got on the woman's leg, and she screamed, pooping out her boobs."""
Shopper 2,"""And so when the pee got mixed with the poop, it smelled like a butt."""
Stan,"Aw dude, this is even lamer than we thought."
Cartman,People are gonna want Butters' head on a platter!
Shopper 3,"Are you reading this, Marsha? What do you think?"
Marsha,"So far I think it's, it's incredible! Ih, it might be better than his first book."
Shopper 4,"I agree. It wasn't as edgy, but it's like, he he's gone back to his roots."
Cartman,What?!
Stan,You can't be serious! You people like this?!
Shopper 5,Some of the imagery is unbelievable
Kyle,A woman pooping out her boobs is not good imagery!
Shopper 6,"Says you! You must be a pro-life nut, huh?  Didn't like what the book had to say?"
Marsha,What are you talking about? This book is as pro-life as it gets!
Cartman,Oh come on!
Stan,"God-damnit, will you people stop reading into stuff that isn't there!!"
Shopper 7,"""And the poop and the pee lived happily every after. The end.""  Kill the phonies. Kill the phonies!"
Kim,Today my sisters and I are gonna shop for underwear.
The Kardashians,Yaaay!
Male Guest,Can I go with you girls?
News Anchor 2,"Our nation is still reeling from the tragic deaths of the Kardashians. The shooter claims he was driven to commit the slaughter immediately after reading The Poop That Took A Pee by Leopold ""Butters"" Stotch. It's all over. The Kardiashians..  wiped out. In the blink of an eye. All because one little PRICK... had to go and write a book."
News Anchor 2,Leopold Stotch... I HOPE THEY BURY YOU! ...YOU EVIL FUCK!
Cartman,"Dude, people are pissed off at you, Butters."
Butters,I know.
Stan,"They're saying they're gonna ban both your books now, completely. You're not making any more money!"
Butters,You think I care about that? My writing got the most beautiful woman in the world killed! I loved her! And if she died it was because of me!
Kyle,"Ah... Oh Butters,  it'll be all right. Listen, we've all learned that people look for meaning in books. And sometimes, even if it isn't there, they'll try and invent their own meaning."
Stan,"Yeah, dude, eh, that's why we all need to avoid books and stick to television."
Butters,"Thang, thanks, fellas. I'll definitely never write again. I think I can get over this."
Cartman,"That's good, Butters, because, we need to tell you something."
Butters,What?
Cartman,You were sleepwalking again and dressed Sarah Jessica Parker up in a moose suit. You left her in the forest and she got shot by a hunter.
Butters,What?! Oh no!
Cartman,"Yep, sorry. You're gonna have to come down and admit it was you."
Butters,"Aw. Aw I got her killed too? Aw uh, oh well, at least she was ugly."
Group,"Twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five, thirty-six, thirty-seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine, forty."
Cartman,"Oh I wish I could exercise with the rest of the team, coach, but I've got such a belly ache."
Coach,You seem to have a stomach ache every time we do drills and exercises.
Cartman,"I know, it sucks."
Coach,"Alright kids, practice is over for today."
Cartman,KFC!!
Cartman,Oh boy oh boy! I'm gonna get a three piece meal and crispy strips!
Kyle,"Cartman, you only come to soccer practice on Fridays, and that's only because we have Kentucky Fried Chicken afterwards!"
Cartman,"Shut up you shifty Jew! I'll fuckin' kill you!  Uh sorry, sorry. I just, you know, when I've been waiting too long for the Colonel's chicken I get easily agitated. You're a fuckin' asshole Kenny! Oh oh oh, sorry sorry. Oh here we are! Here we are!"
Stan,Hey it looks different.
Randy,"Hey uh, what's up with the KFC?"
Customer,"Oh, it's not a KFC anymore. It's a medicinal marijuana dispensary."
Stan,A what?
Cartman,"Dude, what the fuck? What the fuck?!"
Kyle,So where's the KFC now?
Randy,"Alright boys, wait out here. Let me see what's going on."
Clerk,Can I help you sir?
Randy,"Yeah, we were actually looking to get some KFC?"
Clerk,"Oh yeah sorry, that's gone. We only sell marijuana here."
Randy,"Really? I mean, you're openly selling pot? For reals?"
Clerk,Sure. New state laws say it's okay.
Randy,"Woohoo, all right! I love the future! Let's see uh, I'll take half a pound of that uhhh Jamaican Passion  and give me some of that purplish stuff too!"
Clerk,Alright. I'll just need to see your physician's reference.
Randy,My huh?
Clerk,"Well, sir we, just can't, sell the marijuana to anybody. You need a reference from your doctor to show it's necessary."
Randy,"Ohhh, that's dumb. Okay. Okay, I'll be I'll be right back!"
Stan,What'd they say?
Randy,"KFC's gone, been replaced."
Cartman,They can't do that! This is the only KFC in all of South Park!
Randy,Yeah well I gotta get to the doctor.
Stan,"The doctor? But Dad, we wanna eat."
Randy,I gotta get to the doctor!
Kyle,...so no KFC?
Cartman,This is a nightmare. This is a nightmare and I CAN'T WAKE UP!
Dr. Doctor,"Well Mr. Marsh, it looks like you are in prefect health. Your bloodwork came back great and all your vitals appear normal."
Randy,All right!
Dr. Doctor,"Yep, you check out fine."
Randy,That's great. So can I get a referral from you?
Dr. Doctor,For what?
Randy,"Medicinal marijuana.  There's a shop that opened in the old KFC, and they said I needed a doctor's referral to buy weed."
Dr. Doctor,"Mr. Marsh, you don't qualify for medicinal marijuana."
Randy,But you said I'm totally healthy!
Dr. Doctor,"Medicinal marijuana is for people who aren't healthy. AIDS patients, cancer patients. You know, people going through chemo. The THC helps them eat and take the pain. You are in fine shape!"
Randy,"...Well that sucks!  Well so doctor, how do most people get cancer?"
Dr. Doctor,Well there's a lot of ways you can get cancer.
Randy,"Yeah, but what's the quickest way?"
Dr. Doctor,The what?
Randy,"Well like, what forms of cancer induce in time for the Ziggy Marley concert next Saturday in Denver?"
Cartman,"Mom, drive faster!"
Liane,"The KFC in Salida is a long way away, sweetie. Be patient."
Cartman,Shut up and drive faster! I've been waiting for chicken for TOO LONG!
Liane,"Eric, we're almost to Frisco. Why don't we go to the Church's Fried Chicken there?"
Cartman,WHAT?? Church's Fried Chicken tastes like cat shit!
Liane,"Alright honey, let's take it easy."
Cartman,Fuck you!
Cartman,"No! No, what's going on?!  Move aside!"
Worker 1,"It's closed, kid, there's nothin' in there."
Cartman,"No you, you can't do this! The KFC in my town is closed too!"
Worker 1,"Yeah, well, that's because of the vote last November to ban fast food in low-income areas."
Cartman,You mean I have to drive all the way to Denver to get chicken?!
Worker 2,"No you don't get it, kid. KFCs were only in low-income areas. In the entire state of Colorado, Kentucky Fried Chicken is illegal."
Cartman,Nooooooooo-!
Stan,"Dad, Mom says to stop trying to give yourself cancer."
Randy,"Just gonna get a little bit of cancer, Stan. Tell Mom it's okay."
Clerk 2,Can I help you?
Cartman,I need... Somebody said you... could help me. I... have to... I haven't... had... KFC... in over... a week.
Clerk 2,"Alright, sign your name on the release form and put down the time-"
Cartman,Really?
Clerk 2,-your birth year. and we'll get you through the next twenty-four hours.
Cartman,"Whoa, what uh, are you serious?  Oh my God, that's KFC gravy!  You have KFC! Yes!  This is it? One lousy little cup of gravy?!"
Clerk 2,This is a clinic to help you get over your addiction.
Cartman,Who wants just gravy?! It goes on mashed potatoes! On extra-crispy chicken skins!
Clerk 2,"If you don't want it, that's fine-"
Cartman,"NO!  Oh God, oh God it's so good."
Randy,"""Frozen and processed foods appear to have a direct link to many forms of stomach and colon cancers."" Alright.  ""Tests show that preservatives found in these foods are the leading cause. However, luckily most of these cancers are...""  ""slow-growing and can take years to develop."" Dammit.  ""Testicular cancer. Most common in older men and can be extremely aggressive."" Oh this is good. ""There's no data on what causes testicular cancer to grow so rapidly, however the primary causes of testicular cancer are linked to exposure to high doses of radiation"" Hmmm.  Oh hey, Stan, could you grab me a beer?  Stan?"
Randy,"Whoahhh! Sharon. Hey, hey Sharon!"
Sharon,Wha... WAAAAA!
Dr. Doctor,"Mr. Marsh, I'm afraid that the tests came back positive. You do have testicular cancer."
Randy,SCORE!
Dr. Doctor,"Now, the good new is it hasn't spread anywhere. We should... probably schedule to have them re-"
Randy,"Yeahyeahyeahyeah, but for now can I finally get my prescription please?!"
Dr. Doctor,Your prescription for what?
Randy,"Buffalo Soldier... in the heart of America. Stolen from Africa, brought into America. He was fighting on arrival..."
Randy,"One ounce of Purple Lurple, two ounces of Fisherman's Friend, and a half ounce of Alabama Kush!"
Randy,Uh that is nice! That is nice!
Jimbo,"Randy! Jesus, Randy. Your balls!"
Randy,"I know. Smokin' pot right in front of a cop. Pretty sweet, huh?"
Jimbo,"No, I mean, your actual balls!"
Randy,"Oh, yeah. Testicular cancer. Here, here, you want some? Oh wait, you're healthy! Hey bust his ass, officer!"
Tough Boy 1,"Hey kid, they say you're looking for some KFC."
Cartman,Yeah. Who isn't?
Tough Boy 1,"Yeah well uh, we got some. Over at Billy Miller's house."
Cartman,Billy Miller? Seriously??
Billy,"Ahhh Eric Cartman, right?"
Cartman,Tommy said you have some KFC.
Billy,Suuure.  Jessie.
Cartman,"Oh my God, the Colonel's popcorn chicken and honey-mustard sauce!  Oh God yes!  Where did you get that?!"
Billy,I have my sources. That'll be $85.
Cartman,85 bucks?? I don't have that!
Billy,"Hold on, hold on.  You're a big boy, Eric. Maybe you can pay me back another way. Do a little job for me. I've got some serious KFC coming in from a dealer. I need somebody willing to get a little risky and... pick it up."
Cartman,How much KFC are we talking?
Billy,Two buckets plus a three-piece meal and four sides.
Cartman,"Holy fuck, dude."
Billy,"I've got the money to pay for it, but it's become a risky business out there. You get the chicken for me, and I'll make sure you're hooked up for life. Do you wanna do it?"
Cartman,Do I wanna do it? Does the Pope help pedophiles get away with their crime?
Billy,Excellent.
Randy,"Alright, see you tomorrow!  Oh God, I gotta hurry! Caprica starts in five minutes!  Huh-oh Jesus!  Ugh, ohh.  Uhh, hey, can somebody..?  ...Rrrr. Ugh, I gotta get home.  Hey, hey, hey, this can work. This could... Hey, it's like a hoppity hop. Aaahah. Whoa-ho."
Cartman,Are you Teabag?
Teabag,Maybe I am. Who's askin'?
Cartman,Cut the crap. You got the stuff?
Teabag,"Oh, I got the hookup. Question is, you got the money?  Alright, we're in biz.  It's all there, man."
Cartman,Extra crispy?
Teabag,"'Course, man, I ain't no fool."
Cartman,You trying to fuck me dude? This is cut with Boston Market gravy!
Teabag,"Awww, it's all the same shit, man."
Cartman,IT'S NOT THE SAME SHIT!
Teabag,"Okay okay I'm sorry, oh..."
Cartman,You're cuttin' Colonel's gravy with Boston Market to try and save yourself some fuckin' money!
Teabag,I'll take back the gravy.
Cartman,Like anybody wants KFC without gravy!
Teabag,"AAAH please. Please, I'm sorry! Take your money back! Take the KFC too!"
Barbrady,What's going on back there?
Cartman,"Nothin', it's cool."
Jimbo,"Alright, I'll call. Forty-five to you Ned."
Randy,Oh man. This Rainy Day Woman is the bomb. You guys don't know what you're missing.
Nelson,"Well you know, you could share some of that with us, Randy."
Randy,"No, Nelson, that's illegal! I can smoke this because I have cancer."
Player 1,"Aw some on, just give us a little bit."
Player 2,Yeah.
Randy,"Get your own medicinal marijuana cards! You've all got perfectly good microwaves at home! Look, I'm telling you guys, it's awesome. I can have all the pot I want, I get around faster than walking, and, wherever I need a seat, I can just sit on my balls. And let me tell you something else.  Chicks... love 'em."
Nelson,Women love huge balls?
Randy,"Loove 'em. Everywhere I go, when I walk by, chicks are like turning their heads and going ""whaaa?"" I never knew how much women love guys' balls until I got these puppies."
Woman 1,"Travis, did you take out the garba-whaaa?"
Randy,See?
Billy,"Cartman my boy, you got the stuff?"
Cartman,Yeah I got the stuff.  And I got the money.
Billy,Heyyy you're good Eric. I need people like you!
Cartman,"Good, 'cause I ate a bunch of chicken on the way over here."
Billy,"That's alright Eric. I've got something big in the works. What if I told you... that I now have a direct line to get all the KFC we want here? I'm sending Tommy to Kentucky, to try and set up a little ""arrangement"" with the Colonel himself."
Cartman,Wait a minute. You mean THE Colonel?
Billy,That's right. And I'd like you to go as well and watch Tommy's back for me. Is that something you'd want to do?
Cartman,Is that something I'd want to do? Is the Pope Catholic? And making the world safe for pedophiles?
Billy,Excellent.
Nurse,"Doctor, Mr. Klein's test results came in."
Dr. Doctor,What the hell is going on?
Nurse,Doctor?
Dr. Doctor,This is the tenth case I've seen this week. It can't be a coincidence. Something in this town is giving men testicular cancer.
Jimbo,"Heh, I am stoned off my ass!"
Player 3,I'm stoned off my balls!
Randy,Anybody got more of that loompa loompa weed?
Woman 2,Wow. Those guys have nice balls.
Woman 3,Wish my man had balls like those.
Woman 2,Mmm.
The Colonel,"Our entire production is headquartered here, boys. We move over sixteen tons of chicken every month. Of course, with the new laws in Colorado my business has taken quite a hit. I'm worried other states might follow suit."
Tommy,"We know, Colonel, but we can get your chicken into the state. We just need a bulk deal, say, four ninety five a key?"
Cartman,"I've got to hand it to you, Colonel. You have everything a man could want."
The Colonel,"I like you, Eric. There's no lying in you. Unfortunately, I don't feel the same about your friend. Cartman: Who? You mean Tommy?  Wait, where's he go?"
The Colonel,Your partner is an informant for Jamie Oliver.
Cartman,"Dude, that was sweet! He's all choked."
The Colonel,And how do I know you're not a liar too?
Cartman,"Hey, Colonel! I've been your biggest supporter since I was two years old! I love your chicken! I love you!"
The Colonel,"I think... you and me can work this thing out, Eric. Do business together a long time."
Cartman,Good.
The Colonel,"Just remember, I only tell you one time. Don't fuck me, Eric. Don't you ever try to fuck me."
Sharon,"Randy! Randy, will you look at yourself? Your balls are getting bigger."
Randy,I know. They're pretty swollen. Kinda hurts. I'm gonna buy some more weed.
Sharon,"Randy, please. When you get back, do you think maybe we could make love again?"
Randy,"Ohhh, someone's feeling frisky again. huh?"
Sharon,"Oh, it's just that I thought that more alone time would maybe be really-"
Randy,Hey. My eyes are up here.
Sharon,"I'm sorry, I just..."
Randy,"It's alright, I just want you to look at me when we make love and not just at my balls. I'll be home soon, babe."
Randy,"Hey uh, could you uh, give me half a pound of that Suburban Sunrise, please?"
Clerk,"I'm sorry sir, but you have to be inside the store."
Randy,"Well eh, I'm right here, can you just... bring it over?"
Clerk,Selling medicinal marijuana outside the confines of an approved shop is still illegal.
Randy,Look I'm startin' to feel kind of stupid; can I please get high?
Billy,"What, are you crazy Eric?! Making a deal with the Colonel for ten thousand more boxes?! I can't move that much chicken!"
Cartman,"Will you relax, Billy? It's fine!"
Billy,"...Fine? I'm not making any money here! I'm losing it! I have to pay for more security, I got the cops up my ass, and I have to pay for all these orders to cut the chicken for distribution!"
Cartman,"Billy, Billy, we've gotta be thinking bigger here! It's time to expand!"
Billy,"How can I expand when thirty-six percent of our product is going to you?! Get out there and sell the chicken or get lost! You've forgotten who the boss of this operation is, Eric!"
Cartman,"...Yeah welll, you're not gonna be around a lot longer."
Billy,What is that supposed to mean?
Cartman,I...  told your mom you got an F on that social studies test.
Billy,You wouldn't do that.
Cartman,Does a bear crap in the woods? And does the Pope crap on the broken lives and dreams of two hundred deaf boys?
Billy's Mom,Billy?! Your father and I want to talk to you!
Cartman,"Bye bye Billy.  Alright everyone listen up! I'm in charge now! Anybody got a problem with that? Alright, good."
Randy,What do we want?
Men,Bigger doors!
Randy,Where do we want them?
Men,Weed stores!
Randy,What do we want?
Men,Bigger doors!
Randy,Where do we want them?
Men,Weed stores!
Clerk,"Look, I'm sorry, but the bill says I can't modify any existing structure."
Man 1,Well I guess we could change the law to allow for medicinal marijuana to be sold just outside the door of the shop.
Man 2,"Egah I don't know, maybe the rule should be somebody can buy the medicinal weed for others."
Clerk,"Look, can't we skip all this and just make pot legal? Everyone is just abusing this medicinal system anyway, it's ridiculous."
Man 3,What's ridiculous about it?
Dr. Doctor,"Hold on, hold people people, please!  We are all forgetting what is really at issue here! Look around! These men all have cancer! It's no coincidence that when this building changed, the rise in cancer went up. Don't you see? The KFC was keeping people healthy!"
Tough Boy 2,"Mr. Cartman, come on. We're supposed to be handling the business; you're eating too much of the stuff."
Cartman,"Shut up Kevin! I'm the boss, not you, buttlicker!"
Tough Boy 3,"Eric, the Colonel is on the phone for you. He sounds pissed."
Cartman,"What?! Oh, that's right, I forgot to- Dammit! Uh, okay.  Put him on speaker."
The Colonel,Hello. Hello??
Cartman,"Colonel, how are you doing?"
The Colonel,What happened?
Cartman,"Oh, we had some problems, you know? Colonel?"
The Colonel,"Eric, what happened??"
Cartman,We had a little problem.
The Colonel,I heard.
Cartman,"Yeah? How'd, how'd you hear that?"
The Colonel,"Because Jamie Oliver gave his speech at the UN today. He was not supposed to give that speech, Eric!"
Cartman,"Hey that's okay, we'll get him next time."
The Colonel,There's not going to be a next time you fucking dumb cocksucker!
Cartman,"Hey, take it easy Colonel."
The Colonel,"I told you a long time ago, you fucking little monkey, not to fuck me!"
Cartman,"Hey! Hey who the fuck do you think you're talking to, huh?! Huh?!  Oh crap!"
Barbrady,Freeze!
Henchman,It's the cops!
Billy's Mom,"Run Billy, run!"
Billy,"Mommy, no!"
Barbrady,"Last November, this town passed a bill that seemed silly to some. Since then we've had underground black markets, crime, death, and shootings. But now the bill has been repealed, and I am relieved to announce that once again, marijuana is illegal."
Dr. Doctor,"And another bill has been repealed as well. Because ever since we got rid of KFC, we've seen a great rise in cancer. But today we welcome back KFC, and all the medical benefits it gives us."
Randy,"Well I got to admit, it's a lot easier to get in doors with my little prosthetic balls."
Sharon,Yeah. Great.
Randy,"Aw, Sharon, don't be upset. The doctor made you a souvenir."
Sharon,"Randy, I love it!"
Randy,And when it gets cold it shrinks.
Woman 4,"Sharon, you got a scrotum coat?"
Sharon,Yyyup!
Woman 5,Luckyyyyy!
Cartman,I've got more friends than Ky-yle! I've got more friends than Ky-yle!
Kyle,How the hell do you have more friends than me?
Cartman,"'Cause people think I'm cool, dude."
Kyle,"How many friends do you have, Kenny?"
Kenny,(Sixty two)
Kyle,What? How the hell do I only have 37 friends?
Stan,"Aww, are you guys doing that stupid Facebook stuff again?"
Cartman,Stupid Facebok stuff.
Stan,Why are you guys in here wasting your time? We're supposed to be outside playing video games.
Kyle,"Stan, you don't get how cool Facebook has become. You can message your friends, play Yahtzee with your friends, even start your own virtual farm and have your friends visit it."
Stan,"Dude, who the hell wants to play Yahtzee?"
Cartman,"Stan, we know it's hard to get started, but we have a little surprise for you."
Kyle,"Yeah dude, we made you your own Facebook page."
Cartman,Surprise!
Stan,"Noo, I told you guys I don't wanna be on Facebook!"
Kyle,"Yeah, but now you can be friends with all of us!"
Kenny,(Yeah!)
Stan,I'm not collecting friends and I'm not building any farms! I don't wanna get sucked into this!
Cartman,"Alright, fine dude, you don't have to add any friends. You can just be like Kip Drordy"
Stan,Who?
Cartman,"Kip Drordy, the third grader? He's got nooo Facebook friends.  And he's had a profile for more than six months."
Kyle,"Aww gee, that's... so sad. Everyone should have one Facebook friend."
Stan,You guys are retarded I'm playing Xbox.
Kyle,There's really people out there without a Facebook friend in the world? That's so wrong.
Kip,Ahhhhh.  Haaa! Haaaaaaaaaa! Yeah!
Kip,"Mom, Dad! I made a friend today!"
Kip's Mom,"Kip, really?"
Kip's Dad,You did?
Kip,Yeah!!
Kip's Dad,"Huh son, that's wonderful."
Kip's Mom,What's his name?
Kip,"Kyle Broflovski! He's a student, and his interests include video games and reading."
Kip's Mom,"Oh, is he a nice boy?"
Kip,"Oh, he's the best, Mom! He has a green hat, and he wants the world to stop talking about ninjas. Oh! I need to tell him what I'm currently thinking about! What am I currently thinking about?!"
Randy,"Hey Stan, I was on my computer at work and saw that you have a Facebook page now?"
Stan,"Yeah, Dad, I was kinda forced to."
Randy,Well sooo... are you gonna add me as a friend?
Stan,"No- Dad, I I really don't wanna get more into it."
Randy,"...Oh okay.  So I'm, m not your friend then?"
Stan,"...Dad, you are my friend."
Randy,"...But you just don't wanna, add me, as a friend?"
Stan,"Dad it's just a stupid click of a button, it takes two seconds!"
Randy,"Right, but you don't have... the two seconds orrr?"
Stan,I just wanna do my homework!
Randy,"Alright, fine.  Just to be clear, you and I are not... friends?"
Stan,"Alright, Dad, I'll add you!"
Randy,Oh cool! Okay.
Kip,"Mom, Dad, my best friend Kyle? He went to the dentist yesterday, and got two fillings! And today he's wondering if Hurt Locker really deserved the Oscar!"
Kip's Mom,"That's great, Kip!"
Kip,Yeah!
Kip's Dad,They sure are getting to know each other.
Kip's Mom,I'ts amazing! You know Kip spent the morning at the boy's farm?
Kip's Dad,His friend lives on a farm?
Kyle,"I think I'll add some more... pigs.  Oh, maybe I should put in another field of corn there.  There we go. Nice.  Twenty nine? No, I have thirty friends.  Hey what the hell is-? Oh no! Oh shit!"
Wendy,Am I a joke to you?
Stan,What?
Wendy,"I just wanna know, is that all I am? A big joke?"
Stan,"...Um, no?"
Wendy,"You DO have a Facebook page, Stan!"
Stan,Oh Goddamnit no! I just got that because Kyle-
Wendy,"Yeah well I saw your page, Stan! Relationship status? Single?"
Stan,Relationship stat- I didn't even pay any attention to that-
Wendy,"You like being single, Stan? So that you could Facebook to find other girls?! According to your Facebook page,  we aren't friends!"
Stan,"Alright, I'll add you as a friend. I'm sorry."
Wendy,"And you'd BETTER change your relationship status to ""In a relationship""!"
Stan,How?
Wendy,"By editing your profile under ""basic information""!"
Stan,"Okay, I'm sorry!"
Stan,"""Edit profile. Basic... settings"" Jesus Christ!"
Randy,Stan? Why won't you be friends with Grandma?
Stan,"...Aw. Dad, I just really don't wanna pay attention to this thing!"
Randy,Grandma is in the hospital! And you won't even be friends with her!
Stan,"Alright, Dad, I'll add Grandma as a friend."
Randy,"That's better. Oh, and I sent you a funny picture and you didn't respond to it."
Stan,"Dude, fuck Facebook! Seriously!  What the hell is this?! Podcast?"
Cartman,"Welcome to Cartman's Incredible Podcast!  Hello fellow Facebookers, I'm here to do one thing: get you more friends!  Looking around Facebook today we see that since adding loser Kip Drordy as a friend, Kyle Broflovski's stock is plummeting! He had 55 friends just two days ago, he's down to just 11 this morning. Run to your Facebook account and delete Kyle from your friend list because he is poison and I don't see him making a comeback any time soon.  You're gonna want to dump Kyle and if at all possible add Clyde Donovan. Why?  Birthday! That's right, Clyde has a birthday coming up and his mom is taking everyone to Casa Bonita.  If you don't have Clyde as a friend, you're gonna want to add him, because Clyde's numbers are about to go way up! And now, Word On The Street.  The rumors are now becoming more than that; Jimmy and Bebe have agreed to share their friends. That's right. Looks like we're about to have a merger  So if you're a friend of Jimmy's you're about to luck into about 90 chick friends, and as we all know, chick friends are worth almost triple what dude friends are. That's all the time I have for today. Remember, update that profile, and steer clear of Kyle."
Kyle,Can I come in?
Stan,"Sure dude.  Dude, what's the matter?"
Kyle,I... don't... have... any... friends...
Stan,What?
Kyle,"I mean, I do, but, well, ever since I became friends with that Kip Drordy kid, a bunch of my other friends have started ignoring me. It would be fine except for my farm is starting to shrink. I know that I should just dump Kip as a friend, but that's such a terrible thing to do and, I'm sorry I'm just so confused I... I really need a friend right now."
Stan,"Okay dude, I'm I'm here for you."
Kyle,"'K, so then get on Facebook and fertilize my crops?"
Stan,NO.
Kyle,Pleahehese! My farm hasn't expanded in three days!
Stan,"Dude, I've already had to become friends with all of Wendy's frends and my grandma's friends! I do NOT want to start doing all the farming stuff too! I'm not getting sucked into that!"
Kyle,You don't get sucked into it! You don't get sucked in at all! Plehehehehehehehese!
Stan,Ah fuck.
Stan,Okay it says I'm at your farm.
Kyle,"'Kay, so now just click on the little soil button...  and then maybe put a sign up to comment on my farm...  Okay, now I can read the sign you put up..."
Stan,"'Kay, it says you and I are now very good friends."
Kyle,"Yeah. We're very good friends. We're very good friends, Stan!"
Kip's Dad,"So Kip, you spend more time with your buddy Kyle today?"
Kip,"Oh yeah Dad, we've been havin' the best time! I showed him all the pictures of me and that silly Halloween costume last year."
Kip's Mom,"Oh, what'd he say about those?"
Kip,He laughed out loud. And then he was rollin' on the floor laughin'!
Kip's Dad,Sounds like you boys had a ball!
Kip,"Mom, Dad, I'm all done. Can I go hang out with Kyle and tell him all about what I had for dinner?"
Kip's Dad,"Well it's a little late, but it is Friday."
Kip's Mom,"I thnk the more time you spend with your little friend, the better."
Kip,"Wow, thanks!"
Kip's Mom,Have fun and be safe!
Kip,"Ate a pork chop for dinner. Had nice apple sauce too.  Hahaa haha! Yeah!  Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
Wendy,"""I think you look cute in your bunny costume."""
Stan,What?
Wendy,"""I think you look cute in your bunny costume."" What is that supposed to mean?!"
Stan,...I have no idea.
Wendy,That's what Susan92 wrote on your wall! You give girls pictures of you in bunny outfits?! Fuck you!
Stan,Susan92 is a friend of my grandma's and she's 92 years old!
Man 1,"Oh hey Stan, I'm your friend Brian through your uncle Jimbo? Hey I commented on your status but I haven't heard back from you. Could you give me a poke sometime soon?"
Stan,Fine!
Man 2,"Hey kid, how come you ignored my friend request?"
Stan,I don't know you!
Man 2,"Yeah, well I'm just a guy that gets ignored, I guess!"
Randy,Stan? Grandma said she poked you and you haven't sent a poke back.
Stan,"...Dad, I didn't even wanna do th-"
Randy,"Stan, poke your grandma!"
Stan,"No. NO! Screw this! You know what? ""Edit Profile &gt; Update Profile."" There! ""Delete Profile""!  ""You have requested to delete your Facebook profile. If this is an error, hit Cancel"" Proceed!  ""Delete yor profile, are you sure? Yes. No."" Yes! ""Are you totally sure?"" Yes!"
Computer Voice,"I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Stan Marsh."
Stan,You can't let me do that? What are you talking about?
Computer Voice,I'm gonna have to put you on the game grid.
Stan,"Delete Profile! ""Are you totally sure? Yes or-"" Yes! Goddamnit yes! Delete! Delete delete!  Hey dad?  Dad?  Oh dude, what the fuck?"
Guard 1,"Alright get moving, Profile."
Stan,Profile? I'm not a profile.
Guard 1,Ignore.
Stan,AAH.
Profile 1,Tom Davis says hello to Linda Green's profile.
Profile 2,Linda Davis likes how Tom Davis has changed his status.
Stan,"'Scuse me, my name is-"
Profile 3,Ignore.
Stan,"Eh hey, could you tell me how I-"
Profile 4,Ignore.
Stan,Aw Goddamnit I got sucked into Facebook!
Kyle,I don't know what to do. I just can't seem to get my friend numbers to go up. I'm desperate. That's why I came to you.
Cartman,"You're very smart, Kyle. But the truth is, as long as you have that Kip Drordy loser as a Facebook friend, people view your friendship as a liability. You gotta dump him."
Kyle,"I can't do that, I'd just feel too bad."
Cartman,"Well Kyle, then what you have to do is go outside the normal circles and try to make friends with people who've never heard of Kip."
Kyle,I've been trying! But I just don't know how to make totally new friends on the Internet.
Cartman,"It's not as hard as it sounds, Kyle. Have you ever heard of chatroulette?"
Kyle,No. What's chatroulette?
Cartman,"Yep, finding new friends is easier today than ever before. We just set ourselves up on webcam, and then the computer will randomly put us with one of the fifty thousand people online also doing chatroulette."
Kyle,"Hey, uh that's, that's kinda cool."
Cartman,"Uh huh. Alright, let's see who our first chat partner is. Connect."
Kyle,"Aww, that's some dude jacking off!"
Cartman,"Oh yeah, you get those sometimes. We'll just click to the next person. There we go. Hello?"
Kyle,That's just a guy's penis too!
Cartman,"Okay let's, let's try this one."
Kyle,"Dude, I don't wanna see a bunch of guys' penises!"
Cartman,"Hold on, Kyle! This is seriously an amazing gathering place where people from all over the world can share their thoughts and ideas.  Okay, that's a dude jacking off, but... 'Kay, dude jacking off... Penis... Penis... Penis penis penis. Ah! Here's a guy! Hey dude, how's it going?"
Dude,Hey.
Cartman,This is my friend Kyle. He's looking for some new friends.
Dude,Oh yeah?
Cartman,"Ohh, he's taking out his penis. Okay, next guy..."
Kyle,"Dude, screw this! I don't wanna see anymore!"
Cartman,"Kyle, this is the way the world works! If you wanna find some quality friends, you've gotta wade through all the dicks first!"
Stan,Excuse me. Could you tell me what the hell's going on?
Tom Davis,"No, you aren't my friend. Would you like to be my friend?"
Stan,"No, I seriously don't want any more friends."
Tom Davis,"Ignore.  So anyway, I really like taking long walks in the summer, you know, because there's like"
Stan,Okay I'll be your friend.
Tom Davis,"Confirm.  Oooo, Tom Davis is thrilled to have become powerful by adding a new friend. Here are some pictures of my dog. And here he is in some silly outfits. Can you comment on these?"
Stan,Awww!
Guard,"Move it, profile!"
Tom Davis,Oh oh.
Stan,Why oh oh?
Profile 5,They're taking him to the gaming arena.
Tom Davis,Looks like I'm gonna be down a friend.
Referee,You are about to face each other in combat! You will play the game for the amusement of the users!  Let the game commence!
Stan,Yahtzee?
Referee,One round only! Begin!
Profile 6,"Uhhh, I'm gonna count five in my five box."
Stan,Can't we play on speeder bikes or something?
Guard,"Play, profile!"
Stan,Yahtzee.
Cartman,Dude jacking off... Dude jacking off...  That's a dude jacking off...
Kyle,"That's it Cartman, I'm outta here!  Chatroulette is no way for me to find new friends!"
Cartman,"Waitwait wait wait, wait Kyle!  Here's a nice little Jewish kid. Hey, hi there."
Boy,Hello.
Cartman,"Yeah hey, nice to meet you. My friend Kyle is a Jew too."
Boy,Oh that's cool. I was startin' to think this was nothin' but dudes jackin' off.
Kyle,"Hey, so... do you wanna be Facebook friends?"
Boy,"Uhh, sure. If you'll come and visit my farm."
Kyle,Heck yeah I'll visit your farm! You should check mine out too!
Kip's Dad,"Honey, where's Kip? I haven't seen him all day."
Kip's Mom,"No, he's been out spending the whole day with his best friend Kyle. I think they're at the movies now."
Referee,Troublemaker! You were not supposed to survive the game of Yahtzee! You have made things complicated!
Stan,I've made them complicated?! I don't even wanna be here!
Referee,That's not what your profile said.
Stan,My profile? Goddamnit my Facebook profile has taken on a life of its own! Where is it?!
Referee,Your profile is one of the most powerful in all of Facebook. You cannot stop it now.
Stan,Oh yeah? I can try!
Referee,After him!
Kyle,"Okay, I fed the pigs. Now I definitely should water some fields... Oh wow, cool. That Jewish kid put up a sign on my farm. ""Hey Kyle, really like your farm."" Oh awesome!  What the hell is that? Stan?"
Stan,"You're an asshole, Kyle!"
Kyle,...What?
Stan,What's the one thing I told you?! That I didn't wanna get sucked into Facebook! This is all your fault!
Kyle,"Dude, w-what are you doing?"
Stan,What's it look like I'm doing?! I found your farm in Facebook so you can help me deal with this bullshit! You've gotta go check out my profile status!
Kyle,Profile status?
Stan,Just bring up my Facebook page and see what it says my status is!
Kyle,"Well, Stan I have to harvest my crops before it's too late."
Stan,Dude! Fuck your crops!
Kyle,Dude! Dude okay! Stop! I'm sorry!  Says that you are currently... hosting an online chat party for all your friends.
Stan,Where?
Kyle,Café World.
Stan,Son of a bitch!
Kyle,"An online chat party for all his friends... Dude, I should get over there!"
Stan,Jesus Christ.
Randy's profile,Randy Marsh is at work right now. Work is boring.
Butters' profile,Butters Stotch is enjoying Stan's chat party.
Garrison's profile,Herbert Garrison likes Butters' comment.
Grandma Marsh's profile,Grandma Marsh would like to be friends with Kevin Donahue.
Kevin Donahue's profile,Kevin Donahue accept's Grandma Marsh's friendship.
Stan,Has anybody seen my stupid profile?!
Susan92's profile,Susan92 has pictures of Stan in a bunny costume.
Gary Johnson's profile,Gary Johnson thinks the pictures are fantastic!
Kyle,"Wow, there's a lot of profiles here. Kyle Broflovski's amazed Stan has so many Facebook friends. Hey, Kyle Broflovski's amazed Isiah is also a Facebook friend of Stan's."
Isiah,Isiah's order is on leaving Kyle Broflovski as a friend.
Kyle,What? Why?
Isiah,"User saw you were friends with Kip Drordy, who only has one friend. Kyle Broflovski is bad friend stock."
Kyle,"Oh n-no, I'm not really friends with him."
Isiah,Ignore.
Kyle,"Unh, that does it!"
Stan,"Alright alright, enough! Everybody just shut up!  Where is profile Stan Marsh!"
Profile Stan Marsh,Right here.
Stan,Oh...
Kyle,"I'm sorry, Kip, but I really can't be your friend anymore. It was a great ride, but I must say goodbye. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but ending a friendship... is never easy."
Stan,"What do you want from me, dude?!"
Profile Stan Marsh,"I'm your profile, and as you can see, I am much more powerful than you."
Stan,Damnit I should have deleted you a long time ago!
Profile Stan Marsh,Why do you think I brought you in here? The fact of the matter is I'm up and running now with almost a million friends. I don't need you anymore. I have more friends than you'll ever have in the real world.
Stan,Who cares? Friends shouldn't be some kind of... commodity for a person's status!
Profile Stan Marsh,Who is more powerful? The user or the profile? Let's end this once and for all.
Referee,Let the final battle begin!
Stan,Fuckin' Yahtzee again? Seriously?
Profile Stan Marsh,"What did I tell you?! That's a large flush already! You don't have a chance in here, user! You pathetic little-"
Stan,Yahtzee.
Profile Stan Marsh,What?!
Stan,Yahtzee. Sixes.
Profile Stan Marsh,No. Can't be.
Randy,Yahtzee!
Profile Stan Marsh,No! Ahhhhh.
Stan,Awgh!  Oh thank God.
Randy,"Hey Stan, my computer says we're not friends anymore?"
Stan,"My Facebook profile went rogue, Dad. I had to go into the circuitry and do battle with it. I sent all my friends somewhere else."
Randy,"Oh okay. So we're, we're not friends, then?"
Stan,"Fuck off, Dad."
Tour Guide,"Our factory works 24/7 to produce candy, and we have over 500 employees. Here you can see where the cocoa is mixed with the sugar and milk."
Cartman,"Wow, coo'..  Chocolate rules!"
Kyle,"You should know, fatass."
Cartman,"AY! I'm not fat, you sneaky Jew!"
Stan,"Oh God, you guys, really? This again?"
Tour Guide,And here is where all the fudge is put into boxes to be shipped all over the world.
Kyle,Kinda like Cartman's dad shipped out on him.
Cartman,"I have a dad, butthole. My mom is my dad."
Stan,You guys stop! All you're doing is rehashing a bunch of old stuff!
Butters,"Hey Stan, isn't that Tom Cruise?"
Stan,"Huh?  Oh wow it is! Hey guys check it out, Tom Cruise is a fudge packer!"
Tom Cruise,What did you call me?
Cartman,"Hey, that is Tom Cruise!"
Butters,"How come you're packin' fudge, Mr. Cruise?"
Tom Cruise,I'm not a fudge packer!
Kyle,"Dude, you don't have to be ashamed or anything."
Tom Cruise,But I'm not a fudge packer!
Stan,Then why are you packing fudge?
Tom Cruise,I'm not. I am a very busy actor who is trying to get away for a week and do some fly fishing!
Stan,"Dude, you are in a fudge factory packing fudge."
Tom Cruise,"Oh, that does it. I will SUE you!"
Stan,For what?
Tom Cruise,You can't just call somebody a fudge packer and get away with it!
Mr. Garrison,"Hey, is that fudge-packer Tom Cruise?"
Tom Cruise,That's it!  I'm suing this entire intolerant town!
Stan,But dude-
Tom Cruise,"No buts! If you want to accuse somebody of being a fudgepacker, you're gonna pay the consequences!"
Tom Cruise,"Guys, I want to really thank you all for coming. Shockingly, I've just been slandered once again in the town of South Park, something I know you can all relate to."
Tiger Woods,That town just seems to be a hotbed of hatred and lies!
Bono,I'm fed up with it. That town suggested that I was made of shit!
Tom Cruise,"Yeah, well I was just over there doing a little fly fishing and this little boy walks up and calls me a fudge packer!  I know, right? And then other kids in the town and their teacher start joining in."
Sally Struthers,"South Park, Colorado, is the most racist, insensitive, and bigoted place in this country!"
George Lucas,That place thinks they can say whatever they want about us and get away with it!
Paris Hilton,"If anyone has a gripe against that shithole, it's me!"
Tom Cruise,"Yeah, well I say enough. All of us together can put a stop to that slander coming from that town once and for all! No longer will they make snide remarks about whoever they want."
All Celebrities,YEAH!
Jared Fogle,"Hey, Tom. I ate too much Subway. Where's your bathroom?"
Tom Cruise,"Oh, just the door down the hall there, Jared.  No, no, no, that's a closet. Go down more.  No that's a closet too.  Nope, Jared. That's a closet too.  No.  That's a closet... No that- that's a closet too."
Principal Victoria,"Stan Marsh, to the principal's office. Stan Marsh to the principal's office immediately!"
Kyle,"Dude, what did you do?"
Stan,I have no idea...
Randy,"You just had to push it, didn't you Stan. You just had to make fun of Tom Cruise again!"
Principal Victoria,Did you call him a fudge packer?
Stan,Aww... he was packing fudge!
Mayor,"Little boy, you don't understand how serious this is. Tom Cruise has put together a class-action lawsuit, along with 200 other celebrities!"
Mr. Mackey,"They are going to sue the bejezzus out of this entire town, m'kay!"
Stan,"It wasn't just me. Other kids called him a fudge packer, even Mr. Gar-"
Principal Victoria,"But you started it. Mr. Broflovski, tell him what you told us."
Gerald,"Stan, a class-action lawsuit means the end of this town. We can't possibly go up against their lawyers!"
Sgt. Yates,"Dammit Marsh, why couldn't you have just kept your stupid ugly son in line!"
Randy,"Hey, don't start blaming me for his looks!"
Randy,"Mr. Cruise. My son is so, so sorry and he would do anything to take back his hurtful comments."
Tom Cruise,That's nice!  I'm still suing you all! Nobody calls me a fudge packer!
Randy,"Yes, it was a terrible mistake. But maybe you could see how, since you do... take fudge and... pack it into a box..."
Tom Cruise,WHAT?
Randy,"We-, I-I'm just saying that you are employed currently as a person who... packages..."
Tom Cruise,I am an actor. I do not pack fudge!
Randy,"Right, my son just got confused. Because you have a little uniform, and a... hat that says ""Fred's Fudge and Candies""... and you are... Look it doesn't matter. Just please withdraw the class-action lawsuit. Nobody in our town will ever call you a fudge packer ever again."
Tom Cruise,"Well, there is... one thing that your town could do to... maybe make me forget about this lawsuit."
Randy,ANYTHING! anything you want Mr. Cruise.
Tom Cruise,It's just that there's somebody that I have always wanted to meet... face to face. If you could get him to show up in your town-
Randy,"Sure! Who is it, we can get anybody for you."
Tom Cruise,Muhammad. The prophet of the Muslim faith.
Stan,Ooooooo...
Randy,That's... tricky...
Tom Cruise,Well then you can just get sued!
Randy,"Mr. Cruise, if there is anybody else we could bring to town, we-"
Tom Cruise,No! Just him. You get Muhammad to appear or your little town is DONE!
Randy,"Okay people, I know, I know. But he will get the other celebrities to withdraw their lawsuit if we just... get Muhammad to appear in South Park."
Mr. Garrison,"Are you nuts? If Muhammad appears in South Park, we get bombed!"
Stephen,Now we don't know that. Maybe enough time has passed that it is now OK to show Muhammad in public.
Kyle,"Dude, I can't believe we are dealing with this Muhammad thing again."
Mr. Mackey,"But even if it were safe for Muhammad to be shown, how would we ever find him?"
Sgt. Yates,"Yeah, showing an image of him is completely off limits and censored, so nobody has seen what Muhammad looks like."
Stan,I saw him once.
McDaniels,You did?
Stan,"Yeah, one time, my friends joined David Blaine's cult, and I had to go to the Super Best Friends to rescue them, and Muhammad was one of the Super Best Friends."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, and what- he was just out in the open where everybody could see him and nobody got bombed?"
Stan,"No, dude, it was totally fine."
Sgt. Yates,Muhammad showed up and there was no violence at all?
Stan,"Well, a giant John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln..."
Randy,"Alright Stan, that's enough. Jesus, can't learn to shut up, can you? Now look, I believe we CAN find Muhammad. I have done a lot of research and I have completed a sketch of what Muhammad might look like today."
Mr. Garrison,"No, don't!  Is that okay to show?"
Jimbo,I don't know. I guess we'll see.
Hillary Clinton,"Tom, what is up with this Muhammad thing? It doesn't make sense!"
Jesse Jackson,"Yeah, you said we were just suing South Park."
Tom Cruise,"No, I said we were going to use South Park to make sure we never got ripped on again. Look people, all of us get ridiculed, but who is the one person on this earth who is completely free from slander?"
Oprah Winfrey,You want Muhammad because he can't be ridiculed?
Tom Cruise,"Muhammad has a power that makes him impervious to being made fun of. What if we could harness that power?  Jimmy Buffet, how would you like it if no-one could ever call your music drunken frat boy monkey garbage?"
Jimmy Buffet,I... I'd love it!
Tom Cruise,"By taking what Muhammad has, we could all be safe from ridicule.  Like Tim Burton here. Imagine it Tim; nobody could rip on you for all the rehashed movies you've made lately. There'd never be a TV show that pointed out that you have never had an original idea since Beetlejuice. And, you put Johnny Depp and all the same crappy music in every film. And if you're that in love with Johnny Depp, then you should just have sex with him already. A TV show could never say that!"
Tim Burton,"Gee, that'd be swell."
Tom Cruise,"Well it can be a reality. Once we have Muhammad, we can take that power from him."
Cartman,"Excuse me...  This is the home of Tom Cruise, right?"
Tom Cruise,Hey! It's one of the boys from South Park who slandered me!
Cartman,I didn't come for myself. I just came as an escort for another celebrity who wants in on your lawsuit...
Michael Richards,Who?
Jennifer Lopez,Alllloooo...
Tom Cruise,Jennifer Lopez!
Jennifer Lopez,"Yes, I am Hennifer Lopez, and I like tacos and burritos."
Narrator,"In the great hall of the Super Best Friends, there are assembled the leaders of the world's greatest religions; Jesus!  Buddha!  Krishna!  Muhammad!  Lao Tzu and Joseph Smith  and... the mighty Semen!"
Seaman,"It's not semen, it's Seaman!"
Narrator,"Their mission; right that which is wrong, and to serve all mankind."
Stan,"Jesus, all we are asking you to do is bring Muhammad to our town for like an hour."
Jesus,"My son, much has changed since you were last here. Muhammad cannot make public appearances."
Buddha,We simply cannot risk any violence from the Muslim people
Stan,"Awww, not you guys too... Jesus fucking Christ!"
Narrator,Back in the hall of the Super Best Friends...
Kyle,"Okay, will you let Muhammad come to South Park if we dress him like a pirate?"
Joseph Smith,"No, Muslims would still be angry if you showed his face."
Kyle,K... what if we cover his face with a paper bag?
Lao Tzu,"No, cause you would still be showing him walking around, that could be a-trouble."
Stan,Okay. A suit of armor? We just have Muhammad in a suit of armor so you can't see anything.
Jesus,But it's still Muhammad walking around in human form.
Kyle,Aww come on! This is ridiculous!
Joseph Smith,"Boys, you need to understand that people get very offended when Muhammad is mocked because he is a religious figure."
Jesus,"Buddha, don't do coke in front of kids!"
Kyle,"A U-Haul. What if we bring Muhammad to South Park in the back of a U-Haul, and he just stays in there out of sight?"
Joseph Smith,But he's talking from the U-Haul?
Stan,"Well yeah, he's got to talk or nobody knows he's in there!"
Jesus,"Hearing his voice, I don't know. What do you think Moses?"
Moses,Um... would there be windows on the U-Haul?
Kyle,There doesn't have to be...
Moses,Um... I guess... I guess that would be okay.
Tom Cruise,"Here it is friends. Once we have Muhammad, this machine will give us the power to not be made fun of."
Russel Crowe,"Tom, Tom, you're talkin' crazy mate. Only Muhammad has that ability, how could we ever get it from him?"
Rob Reiner,We take his goo! It's as simple as that friends.
Tom Cruise,Rob Reiner has been telling me about the goo that is inside every person on earth.
Rob Reiner,"Any goo can be harvested from a person's body, and easily placed into another."
Cartman,"Wait, wait, wait, you mean we aren't going to sue and get a bunch of money?"
Tom Cruise,"No Jen, we all have got enough money."
Jennifer Lopez,"Yes, who needs more money, we need to get Muhammad's goo! Yes, yes, ariva ariva!"
Cartman,"Uh, excuse us for a second..."
Cartman,"Alright, just what the hell do you think you are doing?"
Jennifer Lopez,"What am I doing? Just having some fun, cholo!"
Cartman,"Cut the crap, I thought we were here for lawsuit money!"
Jennifer Lopez,"Just keep your mouth shut, and do what I tell you!"
Cartman,"If we are staying here, then I want to know what is going on. Don't forget, I know who you really are...  Mitch Conner."
Mitch Conner,"If you know what's good for you, you'll keep your mouth shut, kid."
Cartman,"You're a no-good swindler and a 2-bit thief. We were here for money, not goo!"
Mitch Conner,Think about it. Muhammad is the only person in the world who can't get ripped on. Those celebrities want his goo.
Cartman,"Yeah, so what?"
Mitch Conner,"You know what the goo is worth on the open market? Hell, I got people in Hong Kong who'll give me 50 mil for that goo."
Cartman,"So we let them take it from Muhammad, then we take it for ourselves."
Mitch Conner,You catch on quick kid...
Tom Cruise,Mrs. Lopez...
Mitch Conner,"Hurry, get my wig back on!"
Tom Cruise,"Hey, I was just seeing if you needed some- Oh, god  you found my fudge packing uniform..."
Jennifer Lopez,"Oh, your secret is safe with me, Tommy!"
Randy,"Boys, we are so sorry for doubting you. You really did bring us Muhammad."
Mayor,"Thank you so much for coming, Muhammad."
Muhammad,You're welcome.
Mr Garrison,"Oh, is that okay?"
Jimbo,I don't know.
Randy,"Alright, now we just need to figure out how to get Muhammad from the back of the truck into Tom Cruise's limo."
Stan,"What! No, dad. we promised the Super Best Friends that Muhammad would stay in the truck."
Gerald,Cruise's lawyers were very specific boys. He's sending a limo for Muhammad to meet him outside of town.
Kyle,But Muhammad can't be seen dad.
Sgt. Yates,"Alright, we'll put a sheet over him."
Stan,"No, you can't even show his feet."
Sheila,How about a Halloween costume with one of those plastic masks?
Mr. Garrison,"No, you could still see his eyes..."
Randy,"Okay. How 'bout like... like a big mascot outfit? One that covered him completely, head to toe, without even showing his eyes?"
Mayor,"Muhammad, would that be OK?"
Muhammad,OK.
Hillary Clinton,"Tom, Rob, we've just received word from the lawyers. South Park is saying they have Muhammad for us!"
Tom Cruise,"Rob, will the machine be ready?"
Rob Reiner,"Oh, it'll be ready!"
Jennifer Lopez,More tacos!
Jennifer Lopez,More tacos!
Cartman,No! No more tacos Mrs. Lopez.
Jennifer Lopez,More tacos.
Cartman,You just had seven tacos.
Jennifer Lopez,I want more tacos!
Cartman,I'm sorry  Why are you doing this?
Jennifer Lopez,"I am Jennifer Lopez, I need tacos to live!"
Cartman,"You know goddamn well you are not Jennifer Lopez, so stop pissing me off!"
Charlie Sheen,"Mrs. Lopez, I can go. What do you want, like three tacos?"
Jennifer Lopez,"Oh, thank you 'harlie Sheeeeen. And maybe an enchirito too?"
Cartman,Aw- Jee-. They don't even make enchiritos anymore!
Jennifer Lopez,Yes they do!
Cartman,I tried getting one last week!
Jennifer Lopez,"Not all Taco Bells have enchiritos, but some still carry them."
Cartman,"God, will somebody shut her up?"
Randy,"Alright, the limo's here. Muhammad, thanks again for doing this."
Mayor,You've done this town a huge favor Muhammad.
Mr. Garrison,Hold on a second!
Mr. Garrison,"Stop! There are some extremists! They are threatening that if we give Muhammad to the celebrities, they are going to bomb us!"
Mayor,What?!
Randy,"Aw. Aw it's just a stupid threat! Come on Muhammad, we don't want to piss off Tom Cruise again."
Jared Fogle,"Alright, we got him Tom."
Stan,"Muhammad, are you okay?"
Randy,What the hell was that?!
Sgt. Yates,Obviously the terrorists are for real!  What does that paper say?  We have placed bombs all over your city. You will give Muhammad to us. The celebrities want Muhammad for his power not to be ridiculed. We want that power... huzzah.
Stan,They want his power?
Kyle,What kind of extremists are these?
Sgt. Yates,You won't believe it...
Lead Ginger,"Our time is near! Soon, gingers will never be made fun of again!"
All Gingers,Huzzah!
Mitch Conner,Where the hell do you think you're going?
Cartman,"I'm through with your stupid plans, Conner! I've got better things to do with my time."
Mitch Conner,You gonna walk away from 50 mil?
Cartman,Let me by...
Mitch Conner,"You walk away now, and you will regret it the rest of your life."
Cartman,Screw this Conner.  Find yourself another partner.
Mitch Conner,Then I guess I won't tell you about your father.
Cartman,My father...
Mitch Conner,"Thought that might get your attention. You know nothing about your dad, right?"
Cartman,"I know enough, my mother is a hermaphrodite, so she is actually my father."
Mitch Conner,"You really still believe that garbage? The people in your town sold you that line. Come on, you've had to have doubted it all along."
Cartman,How could you know anything about who my family is?
Mitch Conner,"Heh. I know all about the swindles and schemes in this dead-end town. You got lied to kid. By the people who were closest to you. I can prove it too, but I'm going to want something in return."
Cartman,"If you're making this up to keep me around Conner, the you'd better-"
Mitch,"You just take me where I tell you, and when you learn the truth, you will learn to trust me. And nobody else..."
Barbrady,"Okay people, let's try to evacuate in an orderly fashion. Geez."
Sgt. Yates,"Mayor, we do not have the resources to deal with this situation! A full evacuation is impossible!"
Mayor,"Jesus, what are we supposed to do?!"
Jimbo,We have to give in to their demands.
McDaniels,"I'm sorry Muhammad, but we are going to have to give you over the gingers."
Kyle,We can't give him over to the gingers!
Stan,"Yeah, we said we'd take care of him."
Gerald,But our homes and our lives are at stake.
Stan,We made a promise... to Jesus!
Randy,"Stan, Jesus doesn't matter when Muhammad is involved."
Jimbo,That'll be Tom Cruise...
Randy,Helllo?
Tom Cruise,"Yeah, so whats going on?"
Randy,"Uh... I'm afraid we can't... well, we can't give Muhammad to you."
Tom Cruise,"What do you mean, you're not givin' him to us?!"
Randy,"There are these ginger fundamentalists saying that if we don't give Muhammad to them, they are going to bomb us."
Tom Cruise,Gingers?
Kanye West,"Gingers? Aww, hell no."
Randy,"Please, understand that we have no choice here Mr. Cruise."
Tom Cruise,"You're going to give Muhammad to gingers instead of us, just because they are threatening you with violence?"
Randy,"Well, yeah."
Tom Cruise,"Oh, we can play that game too! You want to see violence, well you got it!"
Tom Cruise,"Goddamn stupid assholes! You want to play rough?! OK! Spielburg, go and get some automatic rifles! We'll go in there, and we're going to take  Muhammad by force! And then we are going to show them th-"
Rob Reiner,"Tom, Tom. We can't be seen getting violent."
Hillary Clinton,"Yeah, that would kill all our careers!"
Tom Cruise,But the only way we are going to get Muhammad from South Park now is by getting just as violent as the gingers!
Rob Reiner,"Fine, then let's have Her do it."
Tom Cruise,Her who?
Rob Reiner,You know... Her.
Tom Cruise,Oh right...  Her.
Rob Reiner,There she is Tom... Barbra Streisand.
Robert Redford,"My God, she's even more terrifying than I remember."
Steven Spielberg,"Tom, Barbra Streisand hasn't been active for a long time. Are we sure we want to do this?"
Tom Cruise,Mrs. Streisand got torn apart in the town of South Park. She's probably more angry at that town than any of us.
Rob Reiner,Power her up! Release the Kraken!
Rob Reiner,"Hey Barbra. It's me, Rob Reiner."
Rob Reiner,"Listen, Babs, we are taking on the town of South Park and we really need your help"
Tom Cruise,"We figured you're pissed at South Park too, right Mrs. Streisand?"
Tom Cruise,"Oh, she's pissed all right."
Mr. Garrison,"Eric, what are you doing here?"
Cartman,"Did you all lie to me? All of you, in that room, when you told me my mother was my father?"
Mr. Garrison,"What? N-No Eric, are you still worried about that old issue, I mean-"
Cartman,I don't trust you. I want to talk to Mr. Hat.
Mr. Garrison,"Eric, I haven't used Mr. Hat in a long time, and-"
Cartman,I said GET. Mr. Hat!
Cartman,Put it on!  Do the voice.
Mr. Hat,"Hello kids, it's me, Mr. Hat."
Mitch Conner,"Good to see you Hat. Helluva night, isn't it?"
Mr. Hat,I... I don't believe I know you.
Mitch Conner,"The name's Mitch Conner, I flew the same division as you back in Saigon."
Mr. Garrison,"Eric, this is silly, why don't we just stop-"
Cartman,Keep... your hand... UP!
Randy,"Alright gingers, we have Muhammad for you, now hand over the detonators."
Lead Ginger,"Nuh uh, first you gotta prove that that is still Muhammad in there! Have him step out of the bear costume..."
Townspeople,Ohhhhhhh...
Stan,"Dude, we can't do that"
Lead Ginger,Show us it's Muhammad or South Park is finished!
Mr. Hat,"Dammit Mitch, you're asking questions that shouldn't be answered!"
Mitch Conner,So you admit it. There was a cover up.
Mr. Garrison,"No Mr. Hat, don't say any more!"
Mitch,"Yeah, tell 'im whatcha know!"
Garrison,"Alright Eric, your father was in the room the day of your DNA test, but the results were... tampered with."
Cartman,"By who? Goddammit Garrison, who is my father?"
Mitch Conner,Saigon. It's a hell of a place. I've seen a lot of death.  A lot of suffering. Darkness that most people couldn't stand to see.  I tried to sit it out as much as I could.
Soldier 1,"What's the matter, Conner? You don't like a little blood?"
Mitch Conner,"No, I don't like a little blood. Blood ain't the stuff for eighteen year old boys from Sheboygan. Blood ain't the stuff... for Mitch Conner."
Soldier 2,Incoming!
Army Doctor,"Conner, Mitchell. You're discharged, son."
Mitch Conner,"And that's that. ""Pack your bags, you're headed home. Hugs and kisses from Uncle Sam.""  So how do I end up here, with a nine year old kid who just wants to know who his father is? Life is funny like that. One day you're sifting through the guts of some gook in Vietnam and the next you're playing Dr. Phil with some kid and his teacher."
Mr. Garrison,"Eric I,  I'm really sorry that you were put through all this."
Mitch Conner,Sorry is a four letter word with a y on the end. That doesn't mean anything to this poor kid.
Cartman,That's right! Tell me the truth! Now!
Mr. Garrison,"All I can tell you, Eric, is that we were all told to stick to the story, to protect someone very important. I can't say more, I won't. But I'll... I'll tell you who has the answer."
Randy,"Look, gingers! You said you wanted Muhammad, we got him for you."
Ginger 1,We have no way of knowing if Muhammad is really in there. It could be a trick.
Stan,"It's no trick, dude. My friend and I went to the Super Best Friends and brought him here!"
Ginger 1,Then have him step out of the bear costume! You have until the count of ten! One!
Jimbo,"Don't do it, Randy. If Muhammad is seen, we could get bombed."
Ginger 1,Two!
Sgt. Yates,"Idiot, if he isn't seen, we're about to definitely get bombed."
Ginger 1,Three!
Randy,"Alright, alright, stop! We'll do what you say.  I'm sorry, Muhammad. Will you please step out of the bear costume?"
Stan,"Okay, so um, see? This is Muhammad."
Ginger 2,"That isn't Muhammad, that's Santy Claus."
Santa,"Sorry, boys. I tried."
Kyle,Aw crap.
Randy,"Boys, you got Santa to be Muhammad? When?"
Stan,When you all said you were gonna hand Muhammad over to Tom Cruise. We promised Jesus that Muhammad would stay safely in the U-Haul!
Mr. Hankey,"I'm sorry, Kyle. I really thought my idea would work for you."
Stan,"If we were gonna have someone in a bear costume, why would we actually have it be Muhammad, you fucking idiot?!"
Ginger 1,So where is he?!
Announcer,"Meanwhile, at the Hall of the Super Best Friends..."
Jesus,"Buddha, will you lay off that stuff already?! It's gettin' to be a problem."
Buddha,"Ohhh, and you're one to talk! With all your Internet porn!"
Jesus,"Watching porn isn't like doing coke, fag!"
Joseph Smith,Jesus Christ!
Jesus,What?
Joseph Smith,We've got a distress signal coming in.
Jesus,On the Super Best Screen!
Police Officer,Super Best Friends! You've got to help us! The Casa Bonita is under attack!
Jesus,Great Scott! It's Barbra Streisand!
Lao Tse,I thought Barbra Streisand had been destroyed by Robert Smith.
Seaman,Yeah. Who would have activated her again?
Jesus,"I don't know, Seaman."
Seaman,It's Sea-Man!
Police Officer,The Casa Bonita is gone! Jesus help us!
Jesus,Jesus... That's where the boys took Muhammad. We have to stop her!  On the Super Best Friends power cycles!
Dr. Mephesto,"There there, my little mouse friend. Soon you will have more asses than you ever dreamed of.  Ah, Kevin. You brought me my Fonseca. That's a good boy.  What's this? Someone is at the door, Kevin.  We tried to be left alone, Kevin. Who would disturb us at this hour? We must be careful.  Why, it's an African-American man, Kevin.  Yes? What do you want?"
Person,"Yo man, sorry to bother you, but there's been an accident down the street, man. Can I use your telephone?"
Dr. Mephesto,"Oh I'm... terribly sorry, but I don't let strangers in."
Person,"Yo, I understand, man, but this accident is real bad, dawg. My lady's leg is all busted up and shit; she all crawlin' around on the road lookin' like a crippled crab, man. I just need an ambulance, dog!"
Dr. Mephesto,There's a gas station about half a mile down the road. They have a phone there.
Person,"Okay, I see. I guess I understand. You just don't wanna let a black man in yo' house."
Dr. Mephesto,"No, please, it isn't that at all."
Person,"No, I gets it man. Thought things had changed, dog. Thought when we got a black president, things would be different. We gots our black president, but Whitey still don't trust me to use his motherfuckin' phone."
Dr. Mephesto,"No wait, I'm sorry, you're right you're right, we do have a black president. Please, come in."
Cartman,Ahaaa!
Dr. Mephesto,WAAH!
Kevin,AAAH!
Cartman,"Nice work, Conner."
Mitch Conner,"Yeah, the old ""Hasn't anything changed?"" speech. Works on white people all the time."
Dr. Mephesto,Eric Cartman?
Cartman,"Surprise to see me, asshole?! Close the door!"
Santa,Holy crap!
Pip,Cheeri-o! My name is Pip. I would like to see if you wouldn't mind not smashing our little town to bits.  Haaah!
Announcer,"Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom, which is Tom Cruise's house."
Tom Cruise,How do you like that?! Celebrities can get violent too!
Randy,"Mr. Cruise, please call Barbra Streisand off!  She's destroying everything!"
Tom Cruise,We will call her off when you give us Muhammad!
Randy,We don't have Muhammad. We aren't sure where he is.
Tom Cruise,That's your problem! Get him back or Babs will kill you all!
Mickey Mouse,Oh boy!
Stan,"Kenny! Kenny! Dude, what the hell?! You're supposed to be watching Muhammad!"
Kenny,(I am. He's right here.)
Stan,Oh thank God. Hey Muhammad.
Kyle,"Really sorry about all this, dude.  So what the heck are we gonna do now? Muhammad isn't safe here."
Stan,The gingers and celebrities all want a piece of him. I don't know where we can go.
Kyle,Wait. No wait a minute! I've got it. I've totally got it!
Kenny,(What?)
Kyle,Remember the time when we got an elephant to make love to a pig?
Stan,...Yeah.
Kyle,"I totally know how we can give the gingers and the celebrities what they want, but keep Muhammad safe. Come on!"
Richard Tweek,She's going to get our coffee store next.
Mr. Slave,"Ooooo, Jesus Christ."
Jesus,"That's enough, Barbra Streisand! Kiwaaa!  Smith! Try your ice breath!"
Joseph Smith,No good!
Seaman,Look out! Barbra Streisand is using her toxic stink ray!
Dr. Mephesto,"Eric, your father never wanted this to happen. He was protecting you as well as them."
Cartman,Them who?!
Dr. Mephesto,"Eric, you have to understand, it's all very complicated."
Cartman,Then start explaining it to me!
Dr. Mephesto,Very well.
Kyle,"Come on, Muhammad, the door is open."
Stan,"Dr. Mephesto, we need your help!"
Dr. Mephesto,"Oh for crying out loud, now everyone is letting themselves in!"
Kyle,"Doctor, this is Muhammad. We want you to clone him, so we can give his copies to gingers, and Barbra Streisand."
Dr. Mephesto,"Oh, all right."
Cartman,No nooo no no no! He's not doing anything except explaining who my father is!
Stan,"Dude, that doesn't matter to people right now!"
Cartman,It's all that matters!
Kyle,"Dude, nobody gives a crap about who your stupid father is! Muhammad is an important issue with actual ethical ramifications!"
Cartman,I guarantee you people care way more about who my father is!
Announcer,"In the small mountain town of South Park, the holy prophet of the Mormon religion is trying to fly up the nose of a deadly female singer."
Seaman,"Our powers aren't working, Swallow."
Joseph Smith,We can't attack Streisand's nose! It's just too big!
Jesus,We have to find another weak spot!  Moses!
Moses,What?
Jesus,We need to know any weakness Barbra Streisand might have!
Moses,Um... Let me think... Um... Oh I know... Barbra Streisand can't resist singing duets with Neil Diamond.
Jesus,"All right. I'll build a stage. Lao Tse, use mind control to get a huge audience. Buddha and Smith, use powers to find a band. Seaman,  you and Swallow go get us sushi for dinner."
Seaman,It's Sea-Man and Swallow.
Jesus,"Okay, Seaman, you guys head off!"
Seaman,"Fine! Swallow, come."
Moses,Heh heh heheheh. No way he just said that.
Stan,"Alright alright, just tell Cartman who his dad is real quick so we can clone Muhammad."
Dr. Mephesto,It's a complicated story. I just can't tell him quickly.
Kyle,"Then we'll wait, because we have to clone Muhammad now!"
Mitch Conner,Is Muhammad more important than a little boy's broken heart?
Kyle,"Oh, you are not doing that again!"
Mitch Conner,"Look, Mephesto, just tell this kid who his father is and you do it now!"
Kyle,Stop talking with your stupid hand!
Cartman,"Who you calling stupid, Jew?"
Stan,"Come on, guys, we're running out of time!"
Dr. Mephesto,Yes?
Man,"Hey, I'm sorry to bother you. There's uh, been an accident and I need a phone."
Dr. Mephesto,"Yeah, right, let me guess: You're an African-American."
Man,"...Well, yes I am, but I don't know what that has to do with anything."
Dr. Mephesto,Beat it I'm not helpin' you!
Kyle,Dude!
Stan,That's not cool!
Dr. Mephesto,"No no, you don't understand."
Kyle,We understand you just sounded like a freakin' racist!
Stan,"We don't live in the '60s anymore, you know! We have a black president!"
Dr. Mephesto,"Alright, alright, jeez."
Ginger 1,Hahaaa!
Stan,"Oh crap, the gingers!"
Cartman,Gingers? No!
Announcer,"L-later, at the Legion of Doom."
Benedict XVI,"Tom, Tom! The gingers are claiming they have Muhammad!"
Tom Cruise,What?! Impossible!
Benedict XVI,They are sending a message now!
Tom Cruise,On screen!
Ginger 1,We got Muhammad! We got Muhammad!
Rob Reiner,He's useless to you! You can't get Muhammad's power to not be made fun of without the Rob Reiner Goo Transfer Machine!
Ginger 1,Why do you think we're calling?!
Ginger 3,Our boss is willing to share Muhammad with you if you're willing to share the goo machine with us!
Tom Cruise,...Your ...boss?
Dr. Mephesto,"What's going on? You got what you wanted, gingers, so let us go."
Ginger 1,Oh no no! The head ginger has plans for you!
Stan,What head ginger?! And where's Cartman?!
Ginger 2,"Heheh, the head ginger has somethin' reeeally special planned for him."
Cartman,Hello? What the hell is this? Where am I?
Mitch Conner,"You really got yourself in a mess this time, kid."
Cartman,"Shut up, Conner! How about I shove this flashlight in your mouth?"
Mitch Conner,You might wanna
Cartman,"Hello? I'm here, whoever you are."
A Voice,Eric Cartman. I've waited a long time for this.
Cartman,Daddy?
A Voice,"Guess again.  Welcome, to my Chili Con Carnival."
Cartman,Chili Con Carnival? ...Wait a minute. ...No it can't be.
A Voice,"Oh, but it can.  Revenge is a dish best served...  chili."
Cartman,Scott Tenorman. Eeewww.
Announcer,"Meanwhile, at the concert stage Jesus built with his power of super-carpentry..."
Joseph Smith,"That's it, Jesus. The band has been paid and the PA system is working."
Jesus,"Alright Krishna, the rest is up to you."
Krishna,"Form of... Neil Diamond.  If you all wouldn't mind, I'd like to invite a special friend to join me on stage. Miss Barbra Streisand!"
Jesus,Let's hope to Christ this works.
Krishna,"Hello gorgeous. What do you say? Shall we sing together again like the old times? Well that's because I love the girl. And I still love you now. What have you got to say? That might be true, but I still miss ya at night. When you roll over, by my side, and you kiss me goodnight."
Joseph Smith,"It worked, Jesus!"
Jesus,Yeah. And now to find Muhammad and take down Tom Cruise!
Scott Tenorman,"Do you remember when you had my parents killed and fed them to me as chili? I spent quite a while in a mental institution, Eric.  A lot of time for me to learn everything about you, so that one day I could take you down. I even learned the name of your father.  Oh, I know you're confused. Who wouldn't be?  You've been lied to by everyone!  Even by your own mother!  Hahahahahahahaha."
Cartman,What do you know?!
Scott Tenorman,I wanted to torment you with your father's identity. But what I found was more shocking than I could have possibly guessed!
Announcer,"Meanwhile, at the gingers' lair..."
Russell Crowe,"Alright, Muhammad is secure."
Tom Cruise,"Let's do this. Throw the switch, Rob.  Ohhh. Uhhh. Yes! I can feel it! I can feel the power to not be ridiculed flowing through my veins!  Ha. Hahahaha!"
Paris Hilton,O M G it worked!
Tom Cruise,I've done it! I've done it! Look at me! I'm not okay to make fun of anymore!
Benedict XVI,Ooo you lucky fucker.
Scott Tenorman,"Welcome, everyone, to the final act of my fabulous Chili Carnival!"
Liane,"Please, leave my boy alone!"
Cartman,Mom?
Scott Tenorman,"I got them all here for you, Eric! So listen while you got told the truth!"
Mr. Garrison,Please don't. We have to protect 'em.
Cartman,Protect who??
Scott Tenorman,"Yes, protect... who? Tell him! Mr...  Jimbo!"
Jimbo,Protect... the Denver Broncos.
Announcer,Meanwhile...
Tom Cruise,This is incredible. Who wants to go next?
Benedict XVI,I want to be next.
Ginger 4,"No, gingers go next."
Mickey Mouse,"Gingers can suck it! I'm next, ha!"
Rob Reiner,It's my goo machine! I'm next!
Jesus,Nobody is going next!  Muhammad is our super best friend! Let him go!
Ginger 4,They can't stop all of us! Get 'em!
Jesus,Kyaaaaa!
Scott Tenorman,"The Denver Broncos.  There was a right tackle, see? Who had an illegitimate child with your slut of a mom, and everyone here covered it up! To protect the Bronco name!"
Mr. Garrison,They were having a really good year! There couldn't be any distractions!
Cartman,My dad was a Denver Bronco?
Scott Tenorman,"Would you like to meet him? Well, you can't. Ever. 'Cause you see, Eric, we have something in common. Did I ever tell you that my father... played for the Denver Broncos?"
Cartman,No- nooo.
Scott Tenorman,The only Bronco who lived in South Park. He got a little bored one week and had an affair with a slut named Liane Cartman!
Liane,No please!
Scott Tenorman,Tell him! You almost did before but you got shot by your brother who was a Bronco fan! Tell him!
Dr. Mephesto,It's true... Jack Tenorman was your father.
Scott Tenorman,You killed your own father and then you fed him to your half... brother!
Cartman,No! Noooo!
Scott Tenorman,Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Now eat your chili!  The Super Best Friends? Oh no!
Seaman,"I'll get you, Tom Cruise!"
Stan,Hey look! Tom Cruise has Seaman on his back.
Tom Cruise,What did you say?!
Kyle,Oh yeah. Tom Cruise does have Seaman on his back.
Jesus,I guess maybe Tom Cruise likes Seaman.
Tom Cruise,Whoawhoa whoa whoa!  You're not supposed to be able to make fun of me anymore! What the hell's going on?!
Scott Tenorman,"I'll be back, Super Best Friends!"
Jesus,Who's the creepy ginger kid?
Tom Cruise,"Reiner, you said the goo machine would work! But I got made fun of!"
Kyle,"That's because there is no goo, Mr. Cruise. You see, I learned something today. Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't allowed to show. But it wasn't because of some magic goo. It was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorizing people works."
Jesus,"That's right. Don't you see, gingers?  If you don't want to be made fun of anymore, all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop."
Santa,"That's right, friends. All you need to do is instill fear and be willing to hurt people and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence."
Stan,Yeah.
Mayor McDaniels,"Alright, people, let's start rebuilding our town! For the 39th time."
Stan,"Oh dude, look.  Hey, Cartman..."
Kyle,"Look man, w-we know what you learned was pretty tough to hear."
Cartman,Tough to hear? My dad was Scott Tenorman's dad. Don't you guys realize what that means?
Stan,"Yeah dude, we, we know what it means."
Cartman,My dad was a ginger!
Kyle,"Wwait, what?"
Cartman,"I mean, obviously I take after my mom, but I have the ginger gene inside of me!"
Kyle,"Dude, you killed your own dad, and you're worried about that?!"
Mitch Conner,"Hey Eric, Eric!"
Cartman,What?
Mitch Conner,"Come on, cheer up."
Cartman,Cheer up? I'm half ginger!
Mitch Conner,"Yeah, but you're forgetting, you're also half Denver Bronco. That makes you pretty cool."
Cartman,"Hey, you're right. That does make me pretty cool."
Kyle,You gotta be kidding me!
Mitch Conner,"Shut up Kyle, you dumb Jew.  You've got Bronco blood in you, kid. That makes you awesome. Me? I should be movin' on."
Cartman,"Really Mitch? Ya, you've gotta go?"
Mitch Conner,There's a bounty on my head and I can't afford to stay in one place for too long. So long... Denver Bronco.
Cartman,"Take it easy, Conner."
Stan,"Look, Mr. Cruise, I'm sorry I said you were a fudge packer and that seaman on your back."
Tom Cruise,I... I just can't do it anymore. I wanna go away. But there's nowhere on earth that people aren't around to rip on me.
Kyle,"Hey... Hey, we know a place! We know a place where everything is just happiness and joy. And no humans are there to mess it up."
Stan,"We do? Oh Oh yeah, we do!"
Tom Cruise,"You... really? Somewhere where I can just ...live out my days in peace and quiet and- Oh.  Oh please, can you show me where?"
Stan,We'll do better than that. We'll help you get there.
Announcer,This program contains subject matterand language that might bedisturbing to some viewers.Viewer discretion is advised.
Towelie,"Hey everybody, how's it goin'?"
Towelie,I just... I just can't seem to stop.
Towelie,Hey you! You goin' swimmin'? Don't forget to bring a towel.
Towelie,Get out of my face! Get out of here!
Towelie,"My name is Towelie. T O W E L uh-Y E Y. I'm great at cleanin' up spills.  And I'm 100% machine washable. I'm just... an ordinary towel, in a lot of ways.  Except for one.  I'm addicted to marijuana. And crystal meth. ...aaand crack."
Towelie,"Hey buddy, want your dick sucked?  Does anybody want their dick sucked by a towel?"
Stan,"Towelie has become a complete nightmare in our town! He's broken into my house twice, and stolen my allowance! I-I've got almost nothing left!"
Kyle,"If we're playing outside he shows up completely wasted and, and screaming how the government is following 'im."
Butters,"Why I, I just don't wanna watch him kill himself... I don't even know who he is anymore!"
Stan,"There's noo doubt in my mind that if we don't get Towelie help, our entire summer is gonna be ruined!"
Singers,"Are you ready for the summer?Are you ready for the good times?Are you ready for the birds and bees?The apple trees?And a whole lot of fooling around?Are you ready for the summer?Are you ready for the good times?Are you ready for the birds and bees?The apple trees?And a whole lot of fooling around?Are you ready for the fireflies,the moonlit skies,and a whole lot of fooling around"
Jimmy,"Oh boy, Timmy, it's our favorite time of year."
Timmy,Timmeh!
Jimmy,"We get to see all our old friends again. Hey, there's Frances. Hey Frances!"
Frances,"Hi Jimmy, hi Tim."
Timmy,Timmy.
Specialist 1,"Wow, look at Lenora everyone.  Good job. Come on, good job Lenora. Ahahall right, good, let's get Lenora a towel.  Come on, come on, where's the towel?"
Specialist 2,The towel isn't here. I think it's off getting high again.
Specialist 3,Hey!  Where is that towel?!
Towelie,"Oh yeah, just a sec."
Stan,We went out and got Towelie a job so he could try to pay us back all the money he owes us!  Stupid towel!
Specialist 3,"What's going on, Towel?"
Towelie,Oh yeah I just had to take a piss. Sorry.
Specialist 3,We got wet campers down there! Move your ass!
Kyle,"When Towelie is doing heroin, he doesn't care about anything."
Towelie,I don't care about anything. Stupid... handicapped... camp.
Jimmy,"Alright blue team. As team captain, I need to make sure we are ready for the big camp competition."
Jimmy,All right! Everyone together! Are we gonna beat Red Team this year?
Blue Team,Yeah!
Timmy,Timmy!
Blue Team,Yeah!  Alright!
Nathan,"I can't stand him, Mimsy. That Jimmy kid makes my fuckin... skin crawl."
Mimsy,"Duhh you always hated Jimmy, boss. Ever since he whooped you at soifin' last summer camp, he really took it to you good, haha."
Nathan,"Shut up, Mimsssyyy!"
Mimsy,"Doh, sorry, boss."
Nathan,Listen to me: there is no way that Blue Team is gonna beat Red Team this year at camp. You got that?
Nathan,"What we need to do, Mimsy, is use a little brainpower to make sure Blue Team can't compete."
Mimsy,"Oh boy, we're gonna ruin Blue Team's chances, huh? We're gonna break their legs or somethin', boss?"
Nathan,"Shut up, Mimsssyyy! Just do what I say, and we can make sure Jimmy Valmer gets what's comin' to him."
Specialist 1,"There you go, Lenora, all better now?"
Lenora,"Yes, thanks."
Towelie,"That's right. When you go swimmin', don't forget to bring a..."
Lenora,Uhhh!
Specialist 3,"Who hired that towel? It can barely walk, let alone dry somebody off."
Towelie,You think you're better than me? Huh?! You think you're fuckin' hot shit?!
Stan,"A lot of times, when Towelie shoots heroin he just... gets angry at everybody."
Towelie,"You can all suck it! You're all, you're all a bunch of towels, that's what you are!"
Butters,"The thing is, Towelie was pretty happy before. He had a girlfriend he liked.  And then she got pregnant and had a little washcloth.  Mm but then Towelie just kept gettin' more and more high, and he got kicked out of the house."
Towelie,"Fuck you! Let me talk to 'im! Let me talk to 'im, you bitch!"
Towelie,No! I'm not high! I haven't been high since Wednesday!  Oh. Oh it is Wednesday?
Specialist 1,"All right, campers! Our first event is the big canoe race!"
Nathan,"I've got it, Mimsy. I got a way to win the race and get rid of Jimmy for good."
Mimsy,"Darrr, oh boy, what are we gonna do, boss?"
Nathan,"Simple, Mimsy,  We're gonna put a little surprise in the canoe."
Mimsy,"Doh, dohhh, what kind of surprise uh?  Oh! It's a snake."
Nathan,"Not just any snake, Mimsy. It's a black mamba."
Mimsy,"Aww, dah, jee whiz boss, we're gonna kill all the Blue Team and Jimmy, huh?"
Specialist 4,You boys excited for the canoe race?
Nathan,"Yes, counselor Steve. I like the fun canoe."
Specialist 4,"Canoes are fun, aren't day?"
Nathan,"Now take the Black Mamba,  Mimsy, and put it in the canoe. I'm gonna go get our team ready."
Specialist 1,"All right, campers are we ready?"
All,Yeah!
Nathan,"Good luck, Jimmy."
Jimmy,"You too, Ne-n-Nathan."
Nathan,"You're gonna need it, you fuckin' asshole."
Specialist 1,"Oh your mark, get set."
Nathan,"Aaah! Holy shit, Mimsy! What the hell did you do?!"
Mimsy,"Darrr, you set to put the Black Mamba in the canoe, boss."
Nathan,"Not in our canoe, Mimsy!"
Steve,"Heeey. Hey, we need a towel!"
Towelie,"Uh, oh, um, uh, just a sec!"
Steve,Not just a sec! We've got a whole lot of wet campers down there!  What's going on?!
Towelie,"Hey, you own me money, asshole!"
Specialist 1,"That's it, we're done! You are no longer employed here!"
Kyle,"Please, sir."
Specialist 1,"We need a nice, clean towel here at summer camp. We don't need a towel that shoots heroin and has sex for money!"
Towelie,"Heh, some people are so picky about their towels"
Specialist 3,"All right campers, next event is the big scavenger hunt! Blue Team is gonna go first."
Nathan,"I finally got it, Mimsy. I got a way we can kill Jimmy and beat the Blue Team."
Mimsy,"Oh boy, what are we gonna do to him, huh buss?"
Nathan,"Simple. We're gonna get Jimmy killed by Native Americans.  Here, take this.  It's a fake scavenger hunt map"
Mimsy,"Dahhh, this map leads to the scavenger hunt?"
Nathan,"No, that map leads to the Indian reservation. We switch this with Blue Team's scavenger hunting map, and they'll end up right on the Tardicaca Indian Reservation."
Mimsy,"Dah-oh boy! We're gonna get Jimmy killed by Indians, huh boss?"
Counselor Steve,Are you boys excited for the neat scavenger hunt?
Nathan,"Yes, Counselor Steve. I like a scavenger hunt.  Alright Mimsy, now you take this map to the Indian Reservation, and you switch it with Blue Team's map. You got that, Mims? You switch the map! Switch! The map!"
Mimsy,"I got it, boss. Switch the map. Switch the map."
Mimsy,"Dah how come we're scavenger huntin' now, boss?"
Nathan,"Because, stupid, now that we have Blue Team's map we can get their scavenger prize too."
Mimsy,Dahhhoh boy!
Nathan,"This doesn't make sense. Why would they make us walk this far? We're handicapped. ""Turn left at the..."" Wait. Waitaminute, what? What the?  Oh fuck! Mimsy! This is the map to the Indian Reservation!"
Mimsy,"Why sure it is, boss."
Nathan,I told you to switch this with the map for the Blue Team!
Mimsy,"No, you told me to switch the map, switch the map, so I switched it, and I switched it."
Nathan,"Miiimmmssssyyyy!  Uh, my name is Nathan. I'm disabled.  AAAAA!"
Towelie,Hey everybody. Let's all go to the office supply store.
Cashier,You must have one dusty computer.
Towelie,"Fuck you! It's not illegal, bitch!  I feel like I could conquer the world."
Towelie,It's like I'm walkin' on sunshine.
Butters,I really think this intervention is Towelie's last chance.  Towelie! Open the door!
Towelie,Go away! I'm walking on sunshine!
Butters,"Towelie, I gotta take you somewhere really important!"
Towelie,"Jus', just let me walk on the sunshine a little more."
Specialist 1,"All right! In the surfing competition, the Red Team is up three points to two.  And now it's Jimmy Valmer's turn."
Timmy,Timmeh!
Frances,"Gee, I wish our team captain was as awesome as Jimmy."
Nathan,"I finally got it, Mimsy. I got a way we can get rid of Jimmy once and for all."
Mimsy,"Oh boy oh boy! What are we gonna do to him, boss?"
Nathan,"Simple. We're gonna get Jimmy eaten by a shark.  Here, take this.  It's a shark-mating whistle."
Mimsy,"Dahhh okay boss, a shark-mating whistle. We're gonna hit him over the head with it, huh boss?'"
Nathan,"No, you moron. You go under the water and blow that whistle. You can attract sharks right as Jimmy starts to surf."
Mimsy,Dahhh I've got it boss. I blow the whistle and make the shark come and bite Jimmy's legs off.  Then he bleeds to death. He's gonna bleed to death.
Steve,Are you boys enjoying the fun beach?
Nathan,"Yes, Counselor Steve. The beach is warm."
Mimsy,"Gee that was a close one, huh boss? They almost had me saying we were gonna kill Jimmy."
Nathan,"Shut up, Mimsssyyy! Just swim in the water where Jimmy is, then blow that whistle."
Mimsy,Dohh boy!
Timmy,Timmih.
Jimmy,Gonna catch a wave...
Mimsy,Dahhh I got me a shark whistle.
Jimmy,"Oh boy, here it comes! Here it comes!"
Mimsy,"Dohoho, oh boy!"
Nathan,"Mimsy, you didn't do wha' I told you."
Mimsy,"Dahh whattaya mean, boss? You said to swim in the water and to blow the whistle. I swam in the water, so now I'm gonna blow the whistle."
Nathan,You fucking idiot! You don't blow a shark mating whistle on dry land! You were supposed to blow it-  eh uh uh...
Nathan,Mimsssyyy! Get this thing off of meee!
Stan,Today is Towelie's intervention. We have ...no idea how he's gonna react.
Butters,"Um come on, Towelie, it's, it's right over here."
Towelie,Wha' what's goin' on?
Jeff VanVonderen,"You wanna come over, have a seat with your friends?"
Towelie,What is everybody doing here?
Jeff VanVonderen,"We've all just been talking, Towelie, and and what I'm hearing is a bunch of people here who just love the heck outtaya. And, they're gonna way what they wanna say, and you're gonna say what you wanna say, and we're done. Okay?"
Butters,"Towelie, over the past couple of years, I have seen drug addiction affect you in the following ways."
Towelie,"Aw Jesus, man."
Jeff VanVonderen,"Ah ah Towelie, you need to let him finish."
Butters,"You're not the towel you used to be.  Where, as you used to be fluffy and absorbent, ye-you now are crusty and.... and unable to absorb the smallest amount of water. Will you get help today?"
Towelie,"I I don't, I don't get this."
Jeff VanVonderen,Kyle?
Kyle,"Towelie, over the past few months I have watched you go from an ancillary character with a few amusing catchphrases to a dried out spooge rag covered in the jizz of a thousand older men."
Towelie,Could we just end this please?
Jeff VanVonderen,"You have to let him finish, Towelie."
Kyle,If you do not accept treatment I will no longer give you money or be your friend. I will not help you kill yourself.
Jeff VanVonderen,"Alright. Eric, do you wanna go next?"
Cartman,"Kyle, I hate you so much. You are a liar and a swindler who would do anything for money, and I-."
Kyle,"We're here for Towelie, fatass!"
Cartman,"I'm supposed to be allowed to finish, right? Is that right?  The Jews have been persecuted across the earth for good reason, Kyle. You are a race of beady-eyed thieves who are always wan-"
Kyle,"This is serious, you fucking asshole!"
Cartman,"I'm being serious, Kyle! Hello?!"
Jeff VanVonderen,"Kyle, we have to let people be allowed to finish during interventions."
Kyle,But he's just using his time on television to rant about-
Jeff VanVonderen,"Kyle please, It is not your turn!"
Cartman,"You are a race of beady-eyed thieves, Kyle, who throughout the millennia have squirmed and worked your way into the dark cubbyholes of society.  Where exactly did the Jews first get their power and how are they able to manipulate our minds today?"
Kyle,Oh my God!
Jimmy,"It's a snap at Tardicaca Camp to learn to do the hula hula danceI fell in love with a Tardicaca dove while doin' that funny funny dance.And that poor little kid, why she never did know what love had in store.So I made up my mind-"
Nathan,"Get ready, Mimsy. Blue Team is about to go boom."
Jimmy,So I made up my mind that I've just got to find the Tardicaca girl I did adore.
Campers,Wawawawander...
Jimmy,Hurr a little Tardicaca...
Campers,Hula...
Jimmy,She's a candy cane to wiggle
Campers,Hula...
Jimmy,She's sure to make you g-giggle.
Campers,Hula...
Jimmy,With her naughty little wiggle. I know someday
Campers,Hula...
Jimmy,"I'm gonna try to make that Tardicaca gally mine, gally mine.'Cause all the while I'm dreaming of her. My Tardicaca Hola Gal!Oh sorry, that's not right. Hang on. '"
Mimsy,"Dahh I don't think he's playing the right note, boss. The C4 aint gonna go off."
Nathan,"Shut up, Mimsssyyy!"
Cartman,"If in fact the Jews truly are shapeshifters, and I believe I've presented enough evidence here to prove that they are, then we must unite as a species to fight them and stop their plan of global domination and the control of our freedom."
Jeff VanVonderen,"Okay, Stan, you want to go next?"
Stan,"Towelie, if you do not go to treatment, we will all ignore you forever. Will you go?"
Towel,What treatment?! What are you all talkin' about?!
Jeff VanVonderen,"If you say yes, we leave here, pack your things, get on a plane, go to a treatment facility in Southern California, it's all set up."
Towelie,"No! Fuck no! I'm not gettin' on, no fucking plane! This is bullshit! Don't give me fuckin' ultimatums! I thought you were my fuckin' friends."
Jeff VanVonderen,"Well Towelie, your friends don't wanna watch you kill yourself anymore."
Towelie,"Then fuck them! You're tellin' me I have to do this? Uh, I'm not left with any decisions here!"
Butters,Towelie! We aren't the only ones in this intervention who've been hurt by you!
Towelie,"Who are you talkin' about?!  Washcloth? You, you brought Washcloth?! Oh, that's low."
Jimmy,"Out on the beach with my cute little peach where the waves are rolling in so highHolding her hand, our feet on the sand-"
Nathan,Dammit dammit!
Nathan,"Mimsy, get out there and demand the ukulele solo. It's our only chance."
Mimsy,Dahh okay boss.
Jimmy,"If you get in a pinch, go through, it's a cinch-"
Mimsy,Darrr we want the ukulele solo! We want the ukulele solo!
Jimmy,"Sorry Mims, I I just can't remember it."
Mimsy,"Well we wants ya to play it, don't we?"
Nathan,Yeeeah!
Jimmy,"Alright Mimsy, m-maybe you can show me how it's done."
Mimsy,Dahh okay. It's real easy. You just play it like this.
Nathan,"Mimsssyyy! You idio', wha' are you doin'?"
Mimsy,"D'I was gonna show him how to play the solo, boss."
Nathan,"That DOES it! I'm sick and tired of your stupidity, Mimsy! You are the biggest idiot I have ever met! And from now on, if I wanna do something, I'm gonna do it myself!  AAAAAAAA!"
Nathan,"Uuuh!  AAAH!  No, not the shark again! Not the shark again!"
Towelie,"Oh no, oh Washcloth, I'm so sorry."
Butters,"He needs you to get better, Towelie. Please."
Jeff VanVonderen,"You've got so many people that just love the heck out of ya, Towelie."
Towelie,"All right. All right, I'll go."
Butters,You will?
Towelie,I don't wanna hurt Washcloth anymore.
Jeff VanVonderen,"He's goin', everybody. Hugs!"
Jimmy,"Nathan, your team put up an amazing fight. And even though I was crowned the King of Cripple Camp, I want you to know that you were the real ch-cha, champ."
Nathan,"I hate you, Jimmy. I fucking hate you with everything in my entire being."
Mimsy,"Dahhh you sure got it stuck it to you this year, boss."
Nathan,Shut up... Mimsssyyy.
Counselor,"Hi, Towelie?"
Towelie,"Yeah, hi."
Counselor,"Towelie is definitely one of the most addicted towels we've ever seen here. He's probably the second most psychologically damaged towel I've come across since treating Kirstie Alley's towel, which, had seen some... uuff, some nasty stuff."
Towelie,"I don't know what tomorrow's gonna bring, but I'm learnin' to love what I am. I'm a towel."
Singer,"Veins swellYou know me, EllenEnough to tellFive steps, you're over"
Stan,"Cartman, dude, what's wrong?"
Cartman,"Nothing. Just leave me alone, okay?"
Kyle,"Dude, you've been sitting at your locker crying since lunch break. Clearly, something's going on."
Cartman,It's just uh... that essay that Garrison assigned us.
Kyle,"""What I Wanna Be When I Grow Up""?"
Cartman,"I don't like thinking about what I wanna be when I grow up, alright?!"
Stan,Why not?
Cartman,"Because when I grow up, I wanna be something that I know I can never be, Stan!"
Stan,"Cartman, tell us."
Cartman,"No... I wanna be a NASCAR driver, okay? When I see the... car races on TV, those... loud engines and peeling wheels, it's soo cool!"
Stan,"Well Cartman, if you wanna drive NASCAR when you grow up, you can."
Cartman,"Oh right. Someone like me can be a NASCAR driver.  Look at me!  Do you really think someone like this can ever become an awesome, famous NASCAR driver?"
Kyle,"Aww. Well Cartman, you can change things about yourself."
Cartman,No I can't; I'll always be like this.
Stan,"Dude, noo, you- you don't know that."
Cartman,"Come on guys, I have to face facts. NASCAR is only for poor and stupid people. I don't have what it takes!"
Kyle,What?!
Cartman,"I'm not poor and stupid enough to do NASCAR, and I never will be!"
Stan,"Dude, I don't think just poor and stupid people like NASCAR!"
Cartman,"Oh really? Hey, hey Kenny!"
Kenny,(What?)
Cartman,You love NASCAR huh?
Kenny,"(Yeah dude, I looove NASCAR.)"
Cartman,"You see I told you guys!  What's the use? It just, it's hopeless!"
Kyle,"Cartman, you are poor and you are stupid!"
Cartman,"I know you're trying to make me feel better, Kyle, but a rich smart kid has no place on a racetrack."
Stan,"Dude, you are so retarded!"
Cartman,"Thanks, Stan, but even if I was I'd still be too rich."
Kyle,How are you rich?! Your mom pays for everything!
Cartman,"You guys really think I could do this, don't you? You really believe in me."
Kyle,"I believe that you're a broke, ignorant idiot!"
Cartman,Then maybe I can make myself believe it too.  Thanks you guys. I'm gonna go chase a dream.
Cartman,Butters.
Butters,Hey Eric.
Cartman,"Butters, the guys have been talkin' to me and well, they've got me pretty pumped up.  I'm psyched, Butters. I'm about to do somethin' big and  I'm psyched!"
Butters,Ahhh well oh- kay.
Cartman,But  I'm gonna need your help.  Can you get psyched?? Are you gonna get  psyched up??
Butters,"Eeyeah, I'm psyched."
Cartman,"Get really psyched up, Butters!"
Butters,I'm really psyched! Yeah! Yeah let's do this alright?! I'm pumped I'm psyched! Alright. Yeah.
Cartman,"I'm gonna become a NASCAR driver, Butters. I'm goin' for the gold!"
Butters,NASCA- NASCAR?
Cartman,"I know, I'm not poor an' stupid enough. But I change that, Butters,  Here, I want you to take all my money. Every bit of it, Butters. Fifty-eight dollars and thirty-two cents."
Butters,You're givin' away all your money??
Cartman,"Just get rid of it Butters! Don't tell me where you spend it and don't ever let me have it back.  From this moment on, I am poor. Like Kenny."
Butters,You sure you want to do this?
Cartman,"I told you I'm serious, Butters.  This is my shot. I'm gonna get as poor an' stupid as I possibly can."
Spokesman,"Alright folks, we wanna thank you all for comin' out an' supporting NASCAR."
Kenny,(Yeah! How cool!)
Spokesman,How who's ready for Saturday's big race?
Kenny,(Woohoo!)
Spokesman,We're really excited to be part of the fastest-growing sport in America!
Kenny,(Woohoo!)
Spokesman,"I don't know about you, but I'm thrilled to watch NASCAR finally becoming recognized as a respected, legitimate sport."
Kenny,(Yeah! Yeeaahh!)
Butters,Hello! 'Scuse me!  I know that you NASCAR people don't have very much. So I went out and bought you all  fifty-eight dollars worth of canned food and blankets! You're welcome!  Heh! I helped the needy!
Man 1,"Boy I tell you what, it is raining cats and dogs outside. Mostly cats.  I just wish I had brought an umbrella."
Butters,Hey Eric.
Cartman,Ahh Butters. Did you give away all my money?
Butters,Yep. You don't have a penny left.  You're poor as shit.  How come you're hangin' upside down?
Cartman,"I need to get stupid, Butters. I'm getting all the blood to rush to my head and watchin' a marathon of Two and a Half Men."
Charlie,"Hey- hey, there's a hot girl over there."
Jake,Sure she's hot. She's wearing a sweater.
Butters,Feel stupid yet?
Cartman,Not yet.
Woman 1,"When a woman isn't feeling her freshest, she turns to Vagisil-"
Cartman,"Aw Goddammit, another Vagisil commercial?!"
Woman 1,"To stop feminine itching, and relieve vaginal odors."
Cartman,Fucking gross!
Butters,All those ladies have stinky vaginas?
Woman 1,"If you develop an allergic reaction, see your doctor. In some cases Vagisil can lead to short-term memory loss."
Woman 2,"For the freshest, cleanest feminine area, do what women do."
Cartman,"Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Did you hear that?!  ""In some cases Vagisil can lead to short-term memory loss.""  Oh my God, Butters...  we need Vagisil!"
Cartman,"""Vagisil, Vagisil Maximum Strength, Vagisil Wash, Vagisil Medicated Wipes."""
Butters,"Gee-whiz, there's Vagi-everythings."
Cartman,"Which one do I use to kill brain cells? Well, just buy me one of each of 'em, Butters."
Butters,Wuh- uh I'm buyin'?
Cartman,I'm totally poor Butters. Did you forget?
Butters,"But but I uh, I uh, I didn't bring any money, I didn't know I had to buy Vagisil."
Cartman,"Goddammit Butters! Alright just... just keep a lookout, I'll try it here.  Look that way, make sure the cashier doesn't see me.  Is anybody coming?"
Butters,"No, you're good."
Cartman,"Mm, 'kay, Mm.  N-oh, ew, okay, now it's..."
Woman 3,"Little boy, what are you doing?"
Cartman,Oh my God! Butters!  I feel kind of stupid!
Butters,Really?
Cartman,"Yes, YES! I'm feeling totally stupid right now."
Butters,That was fast.
Cartman,Grab what you can and let's get out of here. I'm ready!
Announcer,We're just seconds away from the start of the Denver 300.
Butters,"Excuse me. Mr. Evans, sir?  Your uh, your wife is on the phone and- uh, well- she just got raped."
Dale,What?
Butters,"Yeah, she got, she got raped a lot and uhhh- and you gotta go talk to her."
Dale,Oh my God!
Cartman,"Sweet. Nice work, Butters. Now go be my spotter so we can win this thing!"
Butters,"Eric, are you sure you can do this?"
Cartman,"Don't worry, Butters, I'm totally poor and stupid. I'm ready for NASCAR."
Announcer,Let the race begin!
Cartman,"Let's go NASCAR!  I'm not moving, Butters."
Butters,I think you gotta press the gas pedal.
Cartman,What's that?
Butters,There's like a long pedal on the floor by your right foot.
Cartman,Oh okay.  Let's go NASCAR!
Announcer,It looks like the Dale Evans car is going the wrong way!
Cartman,"Kewl, NASCAR! Sweet!"
Cartman,"Oh, fuck my ass!"
Butters,Eric?
Cartman,All that work... All the effort I put in... I still wasn't poor and stupid enough to win.
Butters,"Eric, uh you were as poor and stupid as you could be."
Cartman,Don't you get it Butters?! It's never gonna happen for me! Those people are way more poor and stupid than I'll ever be. I might as well kill myself.
Butters,Eric! Don't ever talk like that!
Cartman,I've given away all my money! Drank enough Vagisil to kill every brain cell I have! But it still wasn't enough.
Doctor,"Alright Eric, we got the X-rays back."
Butters,"How bad is it, doctor?"
Doctor,"He has two fractured ribs, a broken femur, torn ligaments in both knees, and a lever 2 concussion. He also appears to be developing three small vaginas in his stomach, but they are all sparkling clean."
Butters,Well at least there's that.
Cartman,"Just pull the plug on me, doctor. I don't wanna live like this."
Doctor,You aren't on life-support. Pulling a plug wouldn't do anything.
Cartman,Aw donkey balls...
Doctor,"You're lucky to be alive, young man. Sneaking onto a NASCAR racetrack and hijacking a car for a joyride? That has got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard of a kid doing!"
Cartman,"Thanks, doc, but you aren't gonna make me feel any better."
Doctor,"No, really. Of all the idiotic dumb ways I've seen kids injure themselves, yours takes the retard cake!"
Butters,"Did you hear that, Eric? See? You are really stupid."
Cartman,Could it be I... only lost the race because I somehow wasn't poor enough?
Butters,"It has to be, Eric.  Eric, where are you going?"
Cartman,"Get me my coat, Butters. We're gonna try this thing again."
FOX 11 Anchor,"You're watching Colorado FOX 11. Next on FOX 11 News, are NASCAR fans stupid?  Some people are starting to wonder after a NASCAR fan apparently got high on Vagisil and snuck onto the track, killing eleven people."
Reporter,"Tom, the NASCAR fan got into a car here on Sunday and crashed in the lake behind me. He was later found to have ingested this  Maximum Strength Vagisil. And also Vagisil medicated wipes. Making NASCAR fans look ...pretty stupid, Tom."
Kenny,(No! NASCAR fans aren't stupid! Cartman is!)
Reporter,"The NASCAR fan vows he will try to do it again, but that this time, he'll win."
Kenny,"(Oh that fucking asshole!)  (Oh that fucking asshole, I'm gonna talk to him...)"
Cartman,"Oh hey, Kenny."
Kenny,"(Dude, what the fuck are you doing?!)"
Cartman,"Come in dude, I wanna show you what I've been workin' on.  Check it out. I thought I could just give all my money away and be as poor as your family, but then I realized: what do poor people do? Buy things even though they don't have money by going out and purchasing things that are 0% down and no payments for two years! That's how you people stay poor forever! Am I right? That's it, right?"
Kenny,"(Dude, fuck you!)"
Cartman,"Kenny, I'm just trying to get good at NASCAR."
Kenny,(Being poor has nothing to do with NASCAR!)
Cartman,"Hey, I love NASCAR just as much as you do!"
Kenny,(No you fucking don't!)
Cartman,"Oh it's sooo easy for you, isn't it, Kenny?! I had to become poor all on my own, you know?! I wasn't born with a plastic spoon in my mouth!"
Kenny,(What?!)
Cartman,"I've had to go buy stuff with 0% down and no payments for two years my-self! I didn't have parents to do it for me like you do!  Look Keh- Kenny, Kenny. We shouldn't be fighting. We both love NASCAR and we're both poor as shit."
Man,"Uh, excuse me.  Eric Cartman?"
Cartman,Yeah?
Man,My name is Geoff Hamill. I'm the founder and CEO of Vagisil.
Cartman,...Uh oh.
Geoff Hamill,"Young man, your NASCAR stunt has brought a lot of attention to Vagisil and honestly, I don't know how to thank you. Our sales are up and women are finally realizing that their feminine odor can be treated. I first created Vagisil for my wife, Patty. She's my Muse, my flame. We realized that NASCAR can do a lot for product recognition and so, Vagisil has a little present... for you."
Cartman,"Awww, sweet!  No way, this is so tits!"
Geoff Hamill,Vagisil would like you to represent us in the next NASCAR race.
Cartman,"Dude, check it out, Kenny! My very own NASCAR!"
Kenny,(No fucking way!)
Geoff Hamill,And we've modified the cockpit to be operated properly by a child.
Cartman,"Aww coool, huh Kenny? Peew Peew! I got a NASCAR, Kenny!  So awesome, huh Kenny?"
Announcer,"We are now live at the NASCAR press conference, where the drivers of Saturday's race are gearing up and taking questions from reporters."
Reporter 1,So uh what's your guys' take on the track here? Any concerns?
Jimmie Johnson,"Well I think it's a fine track, you know. The- the techs have done a really good job of makin' sure the banks are grafted down to the right specs and there shouldn't be any problems-"
Cartman,"Yeah, we like the track, yup. We gotta graft them banks an' specs, it's like an oval, so we're gonna drive straight and then we're gonna be turnin' to the left."
Reporter 2,Uhhh they're saying hot weather tomorrow; any concerns about restrictor plate or brake plate problems?
Jeff Gordon,"Of course, any time you're dealin' with high humidity and temperatures you need to compensate your brake fluid, but the plates themselves-"
Cartman,"Compensate yer blake fluid an' git yer, git yer... b-brake workin' so you can stop sometimes."
"Dale Earnhardt, Jr.","Hey excuse me, who is this kid? Is he even a driver?"
Cartman,"Ewww, bring it on, Earnhardt, you scared of the competition?! I'm just as poor an' stupid as you! I'm gonna drive and I'm gonna go fayast and I'm gonna turn to the left sometimes!"
Danica Patrick,"Can we just, get back to the subject of racing, please?"
Cartman,"Uh-ho! Bring it on, Danica! You dumb bitch! Think I can't steer left better than you?!"
Butters,"You seemed really stupid, Eric."
Cartman,"Thanks, B-butts. I really think I can hold my own against these guys. Little worried about that Jimmie Johnson guy though; he seems dumber than spit. And that Danica Patrick chick? Phew! We're gonna need to get even poorer and stupider, Butters. Both of us."
Tony Kornheiser,"Alright, from the NFL we now turn to the world of NASCAR! People who weren't sure what to think of NASCAR are more sure today after a NASCAR driver released bigoted and ignorant statements on his podcast."
Cartman,"Alright, what's up NASCAR fans? I don't know about y'all, but this President Obama is pissin' me off! So I'm gonna do some dip and speak my mind. Today I'm gonna be dippin'...  Vagisil Regular Strength Anti-Itch Creme.  Oh yeah. Yeah, that's a big dipper right there. But I'm pretty pissed off at what I found out. I found out this ""Obama"" wants to put a bigger tax on gasoline!  What the fuck is up with that?! That's fuckin' gay! And he's fuckin' gay as hell!  You all know my pit boss, Butters."
Butters,Obama's fuckin' gay.
Cartman,He's fuckin' gay as hell!
Butters,Pissin' me off!
Cartman,"So you all be sure to catch us in our next race. We're about as poor an' stupid as they fuckin' come, so come down an' cheer for us at NASCAR on Saturday! Obama's gay as hell!"
Tony Kornheiser,"Well if you ask me, that's all the proof we need that NASCAR really is just for the poor...  and the stupid."
Kenny,(Fuck this!)
Commentator 1,The stage is set for what could be the most important race of the NASCAR year.
Commentator 2,"Lots of speculation and interest in the Vagisil car, driven by Eric Cartman. We are joined now by the inventor and owner of Vagisil, Geoff Hamill."
Geoff,"Thank you, Chris."
Chris,"Yeah, but why did you decide to sponsor a NASCAR driver?"
Geoff,"Vagisil is very excited to be a part of the NASCAR phenomenon, Chris. You know, I... first created Vagisil to try and help my wife, Patty. She is my Muse, my flame. Wherever Patty goes her smile lights up the room. Her vagina, on the other hand, clears the room and makes it uninhabitable for weeks."
Commentator 1,"Ohkay, well the race is about to start, so why don't we kick it back down to the track?"
Announcer,"Gentlemen, start your engines!"
Cartman,"Alright, ""start your engine."" What's that mean?"
Pit Crewman,"That means you flip the switch that says ""Engine.""  Is he stupid or what?"
Butters,"Yeah, he's a champion alright."
Security Guard,"Check your bag please, sir?  No, no, see, this won't do. You can't bring a sniper rifle onto the track."
Kenny,"(Aww, come on!)"
Security Guard,"Look, NASCAR is trying to change its image. It's people like you that are givin' NASCAR a bad name!"
Kenny,"(Aw come on, fuck you!)"
Security Guard,You might be able to buy one in the gift shop.
Announcer,The drivers are slowly heading out to follow the pace car.
Cartman,Then I'm gonna press the gas pedal and I'm gonna go forward.  NASCAR! Yee-ah!
Pit Crewman,"This is just the pace lap, you don't go full speed yet!"
Cartman,"Yeah, just the pace lap! I'm gonna hit the, hit the brake!"
Danica Patrick,The fuck are you doing?!
Cartman,"Fuck you, Danica Patrick! You ain't half as dumb as me! Gas pedal!"
Danica Patrick,"Oh, son of a bitch!"
Cartman,"Woowee, ain't nobody can stop muhey!"
Commentator 1,And it looks like the Vagisil car has already clipped two other drivers and taken them out of the race.
Chris,"Yes, the other drivers are not going to be happy about this. What do you think, Mr. Hamill?"
Geoff Hamill,"Vagisil is a company that really stands behind its product, Chris. We want women to know that Vagisil is effective, safe for use every day,  Every. Day.  Every. Day.  And available nationwide."
Butters,"Be careful up here about a hundred yards, Eric. There's a wrecked car on the right side.  You're gonna wanna watch for it here. You're gonna wanna watch it over on the right side."
Cartman,"Oh yeah, I see it."
Danica Patrick,AAAAAA!
Cartman,You see that? Dayanica Patrick tried to get in my way. That pisses me off!
Butters,That's fuckin' gay as hell.
Cartman,"Whoop I'm comin' up on that turn thing again. I got to stayer left.  Get out of the way you idiots, I'm tryin' to win this dayum thang!"
Butters,There you go. You're back on the track.
Cartman,I'm back own the track.  What the... Kenny! What the hell are you doing?!
Kenny,(Stop this car!)
Cartman,"Get off my car, Kenny!"
Kenny,(Stop this car right now!)
Butters,"Oh man, now our friend Kenny's tryin' to break the windshield. Ain't that just gay as hell?"
Cartman,"We're tradin' paint!  Oh it's sooo easy for you, isn't it, Kenny?! I have to prove myself!"
Kenny,(I fucking hate you!)
Cartman,"Sorry dude, I'm winning this race! Hit the brakes! Bye Kenny."
Kenny,(AAAAAAAAAAAAAA...)
Driver,"Oh Jesus, there's a little boy on the track."
Chris,"Well it appears that all the other drivers have crashed and only the Vagisil car remains. Looks like you're going to win, Mr. Hamill."
Geoff Hamill,"This is such a great day for Vagisil, Chris. Our product awareness will be at an all-time high. Feminine odor must be treated diligently.  Very. Diligently.  Patty? Patty?"
Announcer,It looks like a woman is trying to take over for Jimmie Johnson's car.
Geoff Hamill,What?
Lowes Pit Boss,Ma'am? You are on an active racetrack. This is extremely dangerous.
Geoff Hamill,"Let me talk to her.  Patty? Patty, what are you doing?  Patty, pull over the NASCAR. You're acting irrationally. Patty, did you forget to take your medication? You know how you get when you don't use your Vagisil. There should be some in your purse, my Muse. Patty?"
Cartman,"Aww! You dumb bitch! Butters, this bitch is tryin' to wreck my car."
Butters,I know. That pisses me off. That's fuckin' gay.
Cartman,Fuckin' gay as hell.
Geoff Hamill,"Patty, you are my Muse, and my flame."
Announcer,They are neck and neck approaching the finish line.
Cartman,"Oh, fuck my ass again!"
Geoff Hamill,HAAAAAAAAAA!
Announcer,Big celebration for the Lowe's Home Improvement team.
Geoff Hamill,Patty! How could you?! You've ruined us! You've ruined Vagisil!
Kenny,(HA! You fucking lose!)
Cartman,"No, no, Kenny, go ahead. I deserve it. I thought I could just waltz onto a racetrack and do what these people do. But I owe you an apology. The truth is I'm just too smart. And with how smart I am I'll always be successful and therefore have money. I just have to accept I'm too smart and rich for NASCAR. Time for me to give it up. Alright Butters, give me back my money."
Butters,Huh?
Cartman,The fifty eight dollars and thirty two cents I gave you! I want it back!
Butters,"Uh, but- but you- you said I had to  s-spend on it on the... buy what I can start buyin' and start way in- bu- so get buy-"
Cartman,"Goddammit Butters, you'd better have it! Butters, you're always trying to screw me over!"
Butters,But you said to take your money so I took it by  Ah I don't know.
Kyle,"Mom, Dad, what's ""muff cabbage""?"
Gerald,Muff cabbage?
Sheila,Where did you hear that?
Ike,Muff cabbage!
Kyle,"The new neighbors that moved in next to Stan's house. Me and Ike saw the mom get a parking ticket, and she called the parking cop ""muff cabbage""."
Ike,Muff cabbage.
Sheila,A new family moved in? Where are they from?
Kyle,She said they're from New Jersey.
Sheila,New Jersey? A family from New Jersey moved in next to the Marshes?
Kyle,Yeah. Stan said they're having them over for dinner tonight.
Sheila,"Oh, God. Poor Sharon. Doesn't she know?"
Kyle,"Know what, Ma?"
Ike,Muff cabbage!
Sheila,Never invite a New Jersey housewife in your home.
Teresa,"And so then I met the school principal. What's her name? Principal Victoria? What a stupid bitch! I mean, excuse my language, but that bitch needs her fuckin' head examined!"
Teresa,"Yeah, so my family and I moved from Jersey to South Park about a week ago. So far, I can tell that everyone here really likes me."
Teresa,Oh! And I met that Stotch woman. What's her name?
Sharon,"Oh, Linda, huh?"
Teresa,Have you noticed how yellow that bitch's teeth are? You can tell that woman is a piece of garbage. She's garbage!  I went into the mall here and I just about dropped dead. The only panties you can buy makes you look like you have a grandma muff! Where's the Gucci? Where's the Prada? Have they heard of Italian clothes? It's ridiculous!
Joe,"So Randy, what gyms are good around here? Where do you work out?"
Randy,I don't really work out.
Joe,"Well, I gotta find somethin'.  My biceps are goin' flat."
Teresa,"Where can you get good clothes in this town?! Nowhere! I mean, that's why you're stuck wearing garbage like that, right? And the woman that works the hair salon? Julia? Have you seen how big that bitch's ears are?"
Sharon,"Oh, Julia's a friend of mine, yeah."
Teresa,"Ears out to here!  So I tell her, ""You got big ears, sweetie."" I'm not trying to be mean. It's just a Jersey thing. Why be offended? I mean, you've got a big chin. We've all got imperfections."
Sharon,"Right, just like your eyes are kind of far apart."
Teresa,"That was totally uncalled for, for what she did. My eyes are too far apart? And like who is she? Is she God? No."
Teresa,"You don't ever, ever! You whack job, prostitution...  ...whore! You probably sell your muff...  ...for six dollars! You fucking psycho bitch! Fuck you!  You're nothin' but garbage!  That's what you are! You're garbage!  You sick, old woman! Muff garbage!  Muff cabbage! Fuck this psycho bitch!"
Sharon,Wow.
Teresa,"Let's get the fuck outta here! She's a fuckin' pig! She's fuckin' pissin' me off! Okay, I love you."
Joe,Take it easy.
Teresa,I love you.  I love you.
Teresa,"I thought I was gonna deck her. I was fine. I was really fine. I just wanted to get my point across to her, and then that's how I am.  Like I could be mad one minute and then I'll be fine."
Teresa,"Okay, all better. Just had to get that out. It's just... it's a Jersey thing. So, who wants dessert? Me!"
Stan,You guys do not understand. Having neighbors from Jersey is the worst! All night long they keep me awake! They're either screaming at each other or making some disgusting sex sounds. It seems like all people from Jersey do is hump and punch each other!
Cartman,"You know what you do when you want a family to move away? Every night, you go and take a crap on their doorstep."
Kyle,Is that why there's crap on my doorstep every morning?
Cartman,"Oops, busted."
Stan,"They talk way too loud, they flip out for no reason, and every time they act like selfish assholes, they just go, ""Oh, it's a Jersey thing. It's a Jersey thing."""
Jersey Man,"Hey, you talkin' 'bout Jersey? Me and my friends are from Jersey."
Cartman,"Aw, crap, there's more of them?"
Jersey Man,"'Ey, come on, there's people from Jersey all over! Who here is from Jersey?"
"Steve ""Last Call""","So I'm like standin' there, and I'm like, ""Who's from Jersey?"", and people are all like, ""Yo! Woo-hoo!"" Next thing you know, Jersey party at Sizzler."
Woman,"Yeah, let's get this party started."
Kyle,Where the hell are they coming from?!
Teresa,Danielle was being a stupid bitch.
Woman 1,"Shut up, Teresa. You're pathetic!"
Teresa,"I'm pathetic? You're muff gabbage!  Oh, Sharon!  Hi, sweetie. You gotta meet our new neighbors. This is Jacqueline. She's from Jersey."
Jacqueline,And Sicilian.
Teresa,That's Danielle. She's from Jersey.  And that's Caroline.
Caroline,I'm having my face shaved. It's a Jersey thing.
Salon Girl,"I'm sorry, but I have other clients in ten minutes. Can you sit down?"
Jacqueline,"When the salon girl told Teresa to sit down, I thought Teresa was gonna bust a tit."
Teresa,Don't you fuckin' tell me what to do! I'm a client here!
Caroline,Teresa! Calm down.
Salon Girl,I don't have to take your shit! I'm from Jersey!
Teresa,"Get her, Sharon!"
Sharon,What?
Jacqueline,"Sharon, just stay out of it!"
Caroline,"Be the bigger person, Sharon!"
Sharon,You people are crazy.
Caroline,Who's crazy? Are you talkin' about my family?!  Is my family crazy?!
Teresa,"Don't you pull my friend's hair, you bitch!"
Sheila,"Let go of her, you piece of trash!"
Teresa,Who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?!
Sheila,All you trashy whores get the fuck out of here and leave her alone!
Teresa,Psycho bitch!
Sheila,"No! You're a psycho bitch, psycho bitch! Psycho bitch! You wanna see fuckin' crazy?! You'd better just step the fuck away or you're gonna see fuckin' crazy!"
Jacqueline,You're cabbage!
Sharon,Sheila?
Randy,"People of South Park! We have all noticed a steep rise in everything Jersey lately. As many of you already know, everything east of the Rockies is now part of New Jersey! The Jersey Shore now includes Jacksonville, Miami, the Gulf of Jersey Mexico, and the Jersey Islands."
Mr. Garrison,Jesus! Why are they doing this?
Randy,"More people from Jersey are showing up in our town! If we don't do something, South Park is going to become West Jersey."
Jimbo,"Well, that does it! Let's go tell everyone from Jersey we don't want 'em here!"
All,Yeah!
Sheila,"That won't work. You can't just tell people from Jersey you don't like them. No matter how obnoxious they are, they will convince themselves that you all actually think they're cool."
Jimbo,"How do you know that, Ms. Broflovski?"
Sheila,"That's when I knew I had to tell everyone the truth: that originally I'm from Jersey.  Yes, born and raised, I wasn't even called Sheila back then. In Jersey I was known as S-Woww Tittybang.  I drank heavily and punched a lot of bitches in the face.  Living in South Park, I'm able to control the Jersey side of me, which doesn't really come out unless I get around other people from Jersey.  I'm just really hoping that people here don't judge me for it, or, somehow, you know, hold it against me."
Sharon,"Sheila, who are you talking to?"
Sheila,You wouldn't understand. It's a Jersey thing.
Cartman,"You ain't gettin' by that way, Kenny!"
Kyle,"Hey, dudes."
Cartman,"Oh, well, well, well. Look what the cat threw up in the litter box. Come on, guys. We don't wanna be seen hanging around him."
Kyle,What are you talking about?
Cartman,"Dude, we heard the news! Your mom is from Jersey!"
Kyle,So what?
Cartman,So what?! That makes you from Jersey!
Kyle,"No, it doesn't!"
Cartman,"He's from Jersey, you guys.  Let's just get away from him."
Kyle,I'm not from Jersey. I was born here.
Cartman,"Don't try and deny it! You're one of them, dude. And by my account, that's strike three!"
Kyle,What's strike three?!
Cartman,"You're a ginger, a Jew, and from Jersey! Three strikes, Kyle! You're out!"
Kyle,Shut the fuck up!  What?
Stan,Did you know your mom was from Jersey?
Kyle,Why does it matter?!
Stan,"No, uh, it just explains a lot."
Cartman,"Oh, my God! Kyle is even starting to look like he's from Jersey! His skin is turning orange!"
Kyle,"No, it isn't!"
Cartman,"Yes, it is. It's getting oranger."
Stan,"Stop it, Cartman. Just 'cause Kyle's mom is a Jersey asshole doesn't mean Kyle is."
Kenny,(Yeah.)
Cartman,"Okay, you do what you want, guys. As for me, well, you're a heartless backstabbing Jersey boy, Kyle, and I shan't be playing basketball with the likes of you.  And I'm gonna start crappin' on your doorstep a lot more!"
Kyle,"No.  Couldn't be.  Oh, my God."
Sheila,Kyle? You in there?
Kyle,"Hold on. Ah, I'm, ah... n-not right now."
Sheila,"Kyle, open the door."
Kyle,"Not now, Mom. Please."
Sheila,"Kyle, this instant! One, two."
Kyle,"All right, all right."
Sheila,I guess we need to talk.
Sheila,"I know this has to be very upsetting for you, Kyle."
Kyle,"What am I, Mom?"
Sheila,"When I got pregnant with you, Kyle, your father and I were living with my parents in Newark. We knew we had to get out. Neither of us wanted our child to be from Jersey, so we moved. As far away as we could. But now I realize you can take the fetus out of Jersey, but you can't take Jersey out of the fetus."
Kyle,What are you saying?!
Sheila,"I'm saying that for the first two months I carried you in my stomach, I lived in Newark. Technically, you are from Jersey."
Kyle,No! I don't wanna look like this!
Sheila,"It isn't so bad, Kyle. A lot of people think the Jersey look is nice."
Ike,Aaaahhhhh!
Kyle,I can hide it!  Nobody ever has to know!  I can't ever let anybody know!
Announcer,"Live from St. Louis, New Jersey! It's the ""Jersey News"" with anchormen P-Train and Tan Jovi!"
P-Train,"What's up, New Jersey? It's the evenin' news. Our top story tonight: many Jersey people are freakin' pissed after a small town in Colorado got all aggro on some decent Jersey folk! For more on this story we go to Chicago."
Reporter,"People here in Chicago, New Jersey are riled up, P-Train. Apparently, a town called South Park, which is at the border of Denver, New Jersey, is discriminating against people from Jersey! They won't sell houses to people from Jersey, and they're making all the ones who moved in move out.  And they're takin' down all the Jersey-owned shops!  It's like these people got a beef with Jersey. What's up with that?!"
Tan Jovi,What's up with that?!
P-Train,What's up with that?!
Tan Jovi,"Well, we are coming after you, South Park! We fight discrimination! It's a Jersey thing!"
Randy,"Please, Governor. You have to send your troops to join us in this fight. We're just a small town. We can't stop New Jersey on our own."
Schwarzenegger,"We are very sorry, but California cannot afford helping you at this time."
Randy,"Can't you see that if we fall to New Jersey, California is next?"
Schwarzenegger,"No, because Utah is between Colorado and California."
Randy,"Oh. Fine! But when Utah gets taken over by New Jersey, who's next?!"
Schwarzenegger,Nevada.
Randy,"Oh, really? Well, okay, Mr. I'm-Awesome-at-Geography!"
Cartman,What the hell are you guys doing?!
Stan,Tryin' to help. My dad says to distribute all these guns.
Cartman,And we're just gonna let him stand around here?! He's one of them. He could even be a spy!
Kyle,"I told you Cartman, I'm not one of them! I don't wanna live in West Jersey any more than you do!"
Cartman,"Overcompensating a little, aren't we, Kyle?!"
Kyle,That's enough!
Cartman,"Your blood is tainted with the three J's! Jewish, Jersey and Ginger! Admit it!"
Kyle,"Aaaarrghhhhhh!  I'm not one of them! Do you understand me?! You'd better get that through your fat head! I will never be one of them, and if you say it again, I swear to God, I'll smash your fucking teeth in!"
Cartman,"That hurt my throat because he pushed it right here, and then the back of my head hit the tree! There was... there was... there was bark, and it scratched it!  Did you see the scratch, Kenny?!"
Randy,"Please, Emperor Akishino! We need Japan's help to fight these people!  Fine! But you Japs will all be eatin' hoagies in a month!  That's it, nobody's gonna help us! We're on our own!"
Stuart,We can't take on all of Jersey. We have to find support.
Randy,"There is no support! Every ally America ever had is...  Wait a minute.  Sometimes when a threat is great enough, you have to turn to your enemies for help."
Mr. Garrison,What are you talking about?
Randy,We could ask Al Qaeda.
Stephen,Ask Al Qaeda for help? After what they did to us?!
Randy,Maybe it's time we put our differences aside and forgive them.
Stephen,"And what about the families of the victims of 9/11? Their feelings matter for another ten months, damn it!"
Bar Patron 1,"Hey! Hey, we got a problem! You've gotta get some people down to the bad quick! There's trouble!"
Randy,People from Jersey?
Bar Patron 1,I don't know what the hell I saw.
Skeeter,It tore a hole in my meat locker. Smashed a cigarette machine in half.
Barbrady,"Alright, come out now. Make it easy on yourself."
Bar Patron 2,"It's one of them! That thing's from Jersey, too!"
Randy,What is it?
Bar Patron 2,It's called a Snooki. It's very famous.
Randy,That thing is famous? Why?
Bar Patron 2,I don't know!
Jimbo,"Well, what are we waitin' for? Let's kill it!"
Snooki,Snooki.
Randy,Don't let it get away! Where is it?!  Who was that?!
Stephen,Aaagh! Get it off of me!
Snooki,Snooki smoosh.
Stephen,Shoot it!
Cartman,"So then he grabs my throat, right? And he slams my head into a tree! And then he screams, ""I'll smash your teeth in!"" My head is all like gashed open."
Butters,Kyle did that? Gee whiz.
Cartman,"I'm telling you guys, he's getting worse. The Jersey in Kyle is coming out. I don't see any other choice. We have to kidnap Kyle and lock him in the meat freezer at Sizzler.  Hey, Kyle. 'Sup? Kind of nice out tonight, huh?  He has to be put away, and he has to be put away now!"
Butters,Are you being serious?
Cartman,"This is very serious, Butters."
Butters,"Yeah, but lockin' Kyle in a meat freezer? I mean, he could die."
Cartman,"Well if he does, too bad! Did you see the scratch on my head?!  Hey, Kyle.  Uhh. Dude, do you smell raspberries? I smell raspberries. Ho? Huh.  We need to do this now. At some point, he might start suspecting something's up."
Operative,Istagia makuman?
Randy,"Hello, Mr. bin Laden. My name is Randy, and I'm a geologist in America. I know that America isn't your favorite place in the world, but gosh darn it, we need your help. As you may know, we are trying to stop our entire country from becoming New Jersey. I believe that if we do not succeed, Jersey will spread to Japan, Russia, and eventually, to you. I know you have seen countless horrors in your lifetime, Mr. bin Laden, and that you have witnesses the very worst of mankind. Well, now I ask you to watch this."
Snooki,Neaaaaaah! Snooki wants smoosh smoosh.
Cartman,"Come on, you guys, hurry!"
Stan,"Cartman, what the hell are we doing at Sizzler?"
Cartman,"I told you guys, you're not gonna believe it. It's a miracle!"
Kenny,(What kind of fuckin' miracle?!)
Cartman,"Jesus answered our prayers, you guys. It's so cool.  It's right there in the meat locker. Kyle, go check it out."
Kyle,Why?
Cartman,"Dude, go see why. It's a Jesus miracle!"
Kyle,You just wanna lock me in there because you think I'm one of them.
Cartman,"Nuh uh. Seriously, nuh uh."
Kyle,I'm not going in any meat locker so you can trap me!
Cartman,"Trap you? No, no, Kyle, it's actually... lights!  Ha-ha! It's a trap, Kyle! Get him to the meat locker!"
Stan,"Dude, what are you doing?"
Cartman,"Back away, guys, this is for the safety of all of us.  Sorry Kyle, but you can't be trusted."
Kyle,"All right, fine, Cartman! You really want me to go in there, I'll...  Dude, Cartman, what is that behind you?"
Cartman,"Kyle, do we really have to resort to that?!"
Kyle,"No, I'm serious. What is that behind you?"
Cartman,You ginger Jersey Jew!  Your tactics don't work on me!
Snooki,Snooki wants smoosh smoosh.
Cartman,"Dude, what the fuck is that thing behind me?"
Stephen,"Garrison, I think the Jersey people are advancing. Where's Randy?"
Mr. Garrison,He's still questioning that new prisoner.
Randy,"Alright, Mr. Situation, we'll try this again! Why are you people doing this?!"
The Situation,"Well, I told you, it's, uh, just a Jersey thing."
Randy,What does that mean?!
The Situation,"You just don't understand. It's, uh, it's just... just a Jersey thing."
Randy,Stop playing stupid!
Jimbo,"Maybe he really is stupid, Randy."
Randy,Nobody's this stupid!  What are you people planning?!
The Situation,"It's just a Jersey thing, you know? You...you just gotta be from Jersey to get it."
Gerald,Here they come!
Sharon,"Is it them, Randy?"
Randy,Yup. They're from Jersey alright.
Jersey People,Yeah! Woo-hoo! Let's go! Yeah!
Jersey Man 2,Let's go creepin' in this town!
Jersey Woman,Don't you talk about my family! Don't you talk about my family!
Randy,This is where we make our stand! South Park will never be West Jersey!
Randy,"Fuck New Jersey!  Keep shooting! We're sick of you, Jersey!"
DogPoo,Ugh! Ugh! Get it off of me! Get it off of me!
Snooki,Snooki wants smoosh smoosh.
Stan,Try to find a way past it!
Cartman,What does it want?!
Butters,Sounds like it wants smoosh smoosh.
Snooki,Smoosh smoosh. Snooki wants smoosh smoosh.
Cartman,"No! You guys, it's raping me! It's raping me!"
Stan,"Jesus Christ, what the hell do we do?"
Kyle,"Oh, God.  Wuh. Aah. Get out of here!"
Stan,Why?
Kyle,Agggh! Agggh!  No!
Stan,Dude.
Kyle,"Get out of here, you piece of garbage! You wanna smoosh, go creepin' somewheres else!"
Snooki,"Snooki just, uh, smoosh in the... the tenth..."
Kyle,You're garbage! You know that?! You're cabbage!  You've got cabbage in your muff!  You've got cabbage in your fuckin' muff!
Cartman,"Thank you, Kyle."
Jimbo,That's the last of it! We're out of ammo!
Randy,Then we've got to start falling back to Utah!
Stuart,What's the point? Can't you see it's over?
Jimbo,Who is that?!
Randy,"It's Al Qaeda!  Give 'em hell, Al Qaeda!"
Randy,"On a cold October night, a small town in Colorado stood up to New Jersey and finally said, ""Go away!"" Our fortitude was the inspiration for others and now, New Jersey is slowly receding back to the desolate land from whence it came. Our country's getting back to normal, and we owe it all to Osama bin Laden."
Stan,"Well, Kyle, looks like you're totally back to normal."
Kyle,"Yeah. The more distance between me and the others from Jersey, the better I feel."
Cartman,"Yeah, but you still have it in you. You saved my life, Kyle. Deep down inside, you're a monster.  But you're my little monster."
Stan,"I just have one question, Kyle. At Sizzler when you were yelling ""Muff cabbage,"" what's muff cabbage?"
Kyle,"It's a, uh, it's a Jersey thing."
Randy,"On this day let us all remember that no people on this earth are really enemies, only folks with differences."
Paratrooper,"Tango is down, tango is down."
Randy,We got him!
Cartman,"So then, the guy hits the ping-pong ball with his dick, and it goes right in the other guy's mouth."
Butters,"Hey Stan, I have a note for you."
Stan,A note?
Butters,"Yeah, uh, Wendy said to give you this.  I'm like a mailman."
Kyle,What's it say?
Stan,We need to talk.
Cartman,"Ohhhhhhhh. When a chick says ""We need to talk"" you might as well just start punching yourself in the balls, dude."
Red,"Are you sure he has a problem, Wendy?"
Wendy,"Yes. I've read all about it. It's a real disease. It's called ""hoarding."" People who can't throw anything away, and they just keep living in deeper and deeper filth until the people around them just can't take it anymore."
Stan,"Is something wrong, Wendy?"
Wendy,Stan? We need to talk about your locker.
Stan,My locker?
Wendy,Every time I see the condition it's in I j-I just wanna cry. It just keeps getting messier and messier. I think you have a problem.
Stan,Are you serious?
Wendy,It's so full of junk it takes you forever to find anything. And lately you've been asking to keep things in my locker.
Stan,Well it's just a little messy.
Wendy,"No, Stan, it's called ""hoarding""! And if you don't get help I don't know how much longer I could be with you!"
Stan,Aw come on.
Wendy,Then can we throw some stuff in your locker away?
Stan,"Yeah, alright."
Wendy,"Okay.  I've hired some experts to help you with this. We'll make this as easy as possible on you, Stan."
An Expert,"Hello everyone, my name is Dr. Chinstrap. I'm a hoarding specialist, and today we're gonna help Stan clean out his locker. Alright, let's go ahead and see inside your locker, Stan."
Stan,"What, come on, it's not that bad."
Dr. Chinstrap,"Now, as part of Stan's therapy, we need to make sure we don't throw away anything he doesn't want us to. Stan needs to feel like he is in control or his psychosis will come out."
Stan,"My psychosis? Look, it isn't that big a deal, I'll just throw this stuff away."
Dr. Chinstrap,"Okay, great. How about we start with this?"
Stan,"Well, no, that's my pencil box. I need my pencil box."
Dr. Chinstrap,"Okay, okay, we'll put that right here on the floor. Now how about this?  Broken toothbrush."
Stan,"Well... it's good to have that, because sometimes I really wanna brush after lunch, and I-"
Dr. Chinstrap,But it's broken.
Stan,"Yeah, but it works perfectly fine and I-"
Dr. Chinstrap,"Okay, okay. Broken toothbrush is going right here, by the pencil box.  Now how about this?  Old sandwich in a baggie filled with maggots."
Class,Eeeeewwww!
Stan,"Well, that, I mean, yeah, I mean... I kinda need that. Let's, let's just keep that."
Dr. Chinstrap,"It's full of maggots, Stan. Can we throw it away?"
Stan,"Well, I might need it if I every have to, you know, like-"
Dr. Chinstrap,"The maggots are crawling down my hand and biting my wrist, Stan. Can we throw this away?"
Stan,"Well, I- I guess so, but-  Whoa-whoa-wait, this is all happening a little fast. Can we just slow down?"
Dr. Chinstrap,Now how about this empty aspirin bottle?
Stan,"Well no, don't throw that out."
Dr. Chinstrap,"Can we throw out these wadded up papers, then?"
Stan,"No, because there could be something written on one of them that's important and uh-! No, don't take my empty bottle-!  G-give me back my sandwich!"
Kyle,Dude. What's wrong with you?
Stan,I don't... I don't know.
Kyle,Maybe you should go talk to the counselor.
Mr. Mackey,"Stan, as your counselor, I'm here to help you with whatever problems you might have, m'kay? Now, what is the matter?"
Stan,"Well, my friends are worried that I'm showing signs of... ""hoarding."""
Mr. Mackey,"Hoarding? M'kay, what's that?"
Stan,"Well, apparently, it's when you... don't throw anything away and soon you find yourself, living with a, bunch of... junk?"
Mr. Mackey,"Hmmm, I haven't heard of that, but it- it definitely sounds bad, m'kay?"
Stan,"Mr. Mackey, is there, maybe anything you wanna talk about?"
Mr. Mackey,"Me? ...Like, like what?"
Stan,"Well like, you've got an old milk carton here from a month ago that's like-"
Mr. Mackey,DON'T YOU TOUCH THAT! THAT'S NOT SOMETHING TO THROW AWAY! IF YOU THROW THAT AWAY I WILL RAPE YOU IN THE MOUTH! M'KAY?! I WILL RAPE YOU IN YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH! M'KAY?!
Dr. Chinstrap,"There's no doubt about it. The school counselor here is a Class-5 hoarder. As for your son, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh, he's easily a Class-3."
Principal Victoria,But why is Mr. Mackey doing this now?
Sharon,"Yeah, our son has always been fairly clean."
Dr. Chinstrap,"We don't know a lot about what causes hoarding, but we do know it often relates to some kind of psychological trauma. If it's okay with you, we'd like to run some tests on the both of them."
Sharon,Is that really necessary for Stan? It's just his locker.
Dr. Chinstrap,"I don't know if you realize how serious locker hoarding is.  It can lead to room hoarding, then house hoarding. In some cases, people even hoard animals, like cats."
Randy,"Oh yeah. Like that weird guy over on on Burgess Road. That guy, Mr. Yelman. He's been hoarding animals for years now."
Dr. Chinstrap,"Oh no, really?"
Sgt. Yates,"Mr. Yelman, we received some disturbing reports that you might be hoarding sheep."
Mr. Yelman,"...Well I, that is I, I-"
Dr. Chinstrap,"It's okay, Mr. Yelman, I'm a hoarding specialist. What you have is an illness."
Partner,"Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh. Dr. Chinstrap is a professional at memory regression. This should prove very helpful."
Dr. Chinstrap,"Alright everyone, we are all here to face the disease of hoarding together. Nothing to be ashamed of, everyone here has the same problem. Whether it's office hoarding or in the locker, or even the hoarding of animals."
Mr. Yelman,"Excuse me, but uh, I am a sheep herder."
Dr. Chinstrap,"It's pronounced ""hoarder,"" and yes you are."
Mr. Yelman,"But but I, uh I'm actually herding sheep."
Dr. Chinstrap,"Yes, you are herding sheep by hoarding them, aren't you? It's good you realize that."
Mr. Yelman,"No, but I just thought that-"
Dr. Chinstrap,"Now listen: there's a psychological reason you're all doing this, and we're gonna get to the bottom of it. We're gonna do some regression therapy. I'll be taking you deep into your memories, into your past."
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, that that sounds like it could be bad, uhkay?"
Dr. Chinstrap,"Trust me, I know what I'm doing. I want the three of you to relax, and think about... a cloud. A lone cloud... floating... changing... Light... cool air... blowing on the cloud. Float-  WAAH! HAAA! HAAA!"
Mr. Mackey,"What?! What?! Jesus, what?!"
Mr. Yelman,Oh my God!
Dr. Chinstrap,"Sorry, I just got a weird gas bubble for a second.  Anyway, A lone cloud... floating... wisps of cool air... Now the cloud is near you. You... you reach out to it."
Mr. Mackey,Okay...
Dr. Chinstrap,"It's the cloud of your memories, of your past.  Your childhood perhaps. What do you see in the cloud? Who is in the cloud?"
Mr. Mackey,Billy. Billy Thompson?
Billy,"There he is! Hey, Mackey!"
Mackey,"Oh uh, hi Billy. Nice to see ya, m'kay?"
Billy,Come 'ere!
Mackey,"Uh well, actually I need to get home, m'kay? I uh..."
Billy,You snitched and told the principal I was smoking.
Mackey,"Oh well uh, uh... smoking's bad, uhkay?  Huhhhhh!"
Billy,You're gonna die Mackey!  Hold his legs!  Come back here!
Mackey,"Okay. Okay, okay okay, it's okay. It's okay. Calm down, okay. Turn on the light."
Stan,"What? Whoa wait, what am I doing here?"
Mackey,Shh. Be quiet.
Mr. Yelman,"'Scuse me, where are we?"
Mackey,Shh. You've goota be quiet. Billy Thompson's out there.
Stan,What the hell's going on?!
Dr. Chinstrap,What the hell is going on?!
Partner,The counselor's flat top readers are calculating with the boy's and the sheep hoarder's.
Dr. Chinstrap,Oh Jesus.
Randy,What does that mean?
Dr. Chinstrap,It means Mr. Mackey's childhood regression dream is... so vivid it actually sucked the other two patients into it.
Randy,What?!
Partner,I'm afraid your son has gone into his counselor's dream.
Randy,"Aw come on, that's stupid. How's that, how's that even possible?"
Dr. Chinstrap,"It's not stupid at all! Pinkerton, you explain the logic and I'll provide the background."
Pinkerton,"Alright.  Look, it is possible to enter into someone else's dreams.  Send dream trackers to go into a person's subconscious, like a spy seeing their dreams as they see them. Perhaps even planting ideas. If one person is regressing deeply enough, the dream can actually envelop those dreaming around the first person I talked about who's dreaming! And then, everyone in the dream would be in danger of never coming back."
Mackey,"Yay, my bedroom! Yep, this is my happy place, m'kay?"
Stan,Mr. Mackey.
Mackey,"Lite Brite, making things with light. What a sight, making things with Lite Brite, m'kay."
Stan,"Mr. Mackey, what are you doing?"
Mackey,"Well this is a Lite Brite, m'kay. I can make things with light, like um, birds, m'kay, clowns, m'kay."
Stan,"Come on, dude, you've gotta wake up!"
Mackey,"Oh yeah, my Evel Knievel doll!  I can take the motorcycle, hm'kay, I put it on this thing, like this.  Okay now crank it back, and now I let go.  Okay. Okay."
Stan,"Mr. Mackey, I realize this might be fun for you, but it totally isn't for me."
Mackey,"Hey, look what's on! It's ZOOM!"
Mr. Yelman,"Excuse me, I really need to get back to my sheep."
Stan,I'm working on it!
Mackey,"Write Zoom Z Double O M Box 350 Bos-ton Mass. Oooh two ooone three fouuur, m'kay!"
Stan,"Dude, please wake up! You're a grown man in a psychiatrist's office!"
Billy,"You can hide in your house for now, Mackey, but tomorrow is a field trip! Frisco Woods! And I'm gonna do things to you you'll never forget!"
Mackey,"No, uh Billy, please, ukay? I'm really sorry about the smoking thing, uh."
Billy,"See you in the woods tomorrow, dead man!"
Mackey,Oh Jesus...
Stan,Is that why we're here? Did something really bad happen on the field trip?
Mackey,"Yeah, it's probably gonna be bad, m'kay."
Stan,Ohhhhhhh.
Mr. Mackey,"Ohhhhhhh, m'kay."
Randy,"What kind of hoarding specialist are you?! You trapped our son in his counselor's subconscious, and now you're saying he could die in there?!"
Dr. Chinstrap,"Believe me, this is the last thing I wanted to have happen."
Randy,That does it!
Dr. Chinstrap,What are you doing?!
Randy,"I'm goin' in!  If they're locked into his regression, then maybe I can be too!"
Dr. Chinstrap,Are you crazy?! Mackey is in a very unstable state!
Randy,Damn your incongruities!  I'm goin' in after my son!
Dr. Chinstrap,It's a dream world where Mackey can imagine himself to be anything. It's dangerous!
Randy,I said get me in there!
Dr. Chinstrap,"Alright, you wanna risk your ass?! Fine!  You see a cloud, it's a fluffy cloud, floating, happy, happy fluffy cloud. You reach out to it."
Randy,Ahhh.
Bus Driver,"Alright kids, everyone on the bus."
Stan,"Wait wait, where the hell are we now?"
Mackey,It's the day of the big field trip.
Billy,"Come on, Mackey. We're waitin' for ya."
Mackey,Oh Jesus.
Stan,"Mr. Mackey, you have to wake up! I don't belong here! I need to have my own regression therapy!"
Bus Driver,Everyone on the bus now! We're runnin' late!
Mr. Yelman,"Excuse me, I'm actually a sheep herder."
Driver,"It's pronounced ""hoarder,"" young man, and if you are you should talk to the school counselor about it!"
Mr. Yelman,"Yes, but I, I'm so- wah- um."
Stan,"Please, I don't wanna go on your field trip, Mackey."
Randy,Stan?  Stan!
Stan,Dad? Is that you?
Randy,"Yes, it's me, Stan."
Stan,Where are you?
Randy,It's me! Up here!  I'm a butterfly!
Stan,"The hell are you doing, dad?"
Randy,I'm flying free with my beautiful butterfly wings!
Stan,Did you come here to help me?
Randy,"I was gonna, but oh! This is fun!"
Stan,"Dad, you gotta stop Mackey and bring us back to reality!"
Randy,"Butterflies have no concern for such things, Stan. I'm gonna go find me some butterly poon."
Stan,DAD!
Randy,Aah ahhh aha ahhh.
Stan,Aaaaaagh!
Pinkerton,"Uh oh, something's wrong."
Dr. Chinstrap,What is it?!
Pinkerton,The father. He's gone completely off chart.
Sharon,Off chart? What does that mean?
Pinkerton,We don't even know.
Dr. Chinstrap,I told him not to go into the dream after his son. He should have waited for the experts to get here.
Sharon,Who are the experts?
Leonardo DiCaprio,Get that door closed! Keep me covered!
Dr. Chinstrap,"Ah good, you're here."
DiCaprio,What's the sitch?!
Dr. Chinstrap,"Four people, in there, all stuck in the middle one's dream."
Expert 1,We need to move them all to the next dream level before the projections kill them!
Sharon,What next dream level?
DiCaprio,Alright look. Right now they're all trapped in a dream.  We need to go in and put them under so they can go into a dream within a dream.
Sharon,Why?
Expert 1,Because in the dream within a dream we can protect them from getting to limbo.
Sharon,What's that?
Expert 2,Empty scary dreamspace.
Sharon,So like a nightmare?
Expert 3,"No, like a nightmare within a nightmare!"
Sharon,Why can't you wake up from that?
Expert 1,"You can, but someone inside the dream has to kick you awake from the nightmare!"
Sharon,That doesn't sound very difficult.
Expert 1,It is!
Sharon,Why?
Expert 4,Arrgh.
Expert 1,We don't have time for this!
Sharon,"Uh okay, fine. So you're gonna take my son to a dream within a dream, and then what?"
Expert 1,Then we go into your husband's dream!
Sharon,Okaaay...
DiCaprio,But your husband will think we're in Hasselback's dream.
Sharon,"Okay, wait. Who's Hasselback?"
Hasselback,I am.
Sharon,"Okay. Wait, no. Why do we need a football player?"
DiCaprio,"Sometimes, thoughts of my dead wife manifest themselves as trains!"
Sharon,Are you all saying that you can go into a dream and take people in that dream into their own dream?
DiCaprio,"Not all the time, just this once. And maybe one other time."
Expert 1,It's so complex and cool.
Sharon,Just because an idea is overly convoluted and complex doesn't make it cool! Going to multiple dream levels sounds like a really stupid idea!
DiCaprio,You just don't get it 'cause you're not smart enough. Let's move!
Sharon,Will they be able to wake Mackey up?
Dr. Chinstrap,"If they don't, it'll be the end of Europe as we know it."
Sharon,Why?
Dr. Chinstrap,Because.
Ranger Pete,"Hello kids, my name is Ranger Pete."
Class,Hi Ranger Pete.
Mackey,"Hi Ranger Pete, m'kay."
Ranger Pete,Today we're gonna be learning all about these amazing evergreens and this fragile ecosystem.
Mackey,"Oh that should be fun, m'kay.  Ahhhh..."
Ranger Pete,But first we have a very special guest. It's Woodsy Owl.
Mackey,Oh boy! Woodsy Owl!
Stan,Who's that?
Mackey,"""Give a hoot, don't pollute,"" m'kay."
Woodsy Owl,"Hi, I'm Woodsy Owl, remindin' you all to please pick up your trash, and keep our forests clean. In the city or in the woods,"
Mackey,"Help keep Americaaa lookin' good, m'kay.  Oh, boy I love that song."
Ranger Pete,"Alright kids, time to split up and go into the forest. Let's divide you all up into groups of six."
Billy,We wanna be in Mackey's group!
Mackey,"Oh no, that that's m'kay. We'll uh we'll get paired with someone else uh."
Ranger Pete,That's fine. You six boys can team up and be our first group in.
Mackey,"Oh no, oh God here it comes, unkay?"
DiCaprio,"Is this the dream, or the dream within the dream?"
Expert 2,I think it's the dream inside the Matrix inside the dream!
DiCaprio,Oh well. Just keep shooting!
Stan,What the fuck?
An Expert,Mommy? Mommy?
Fire Captain,So you're saying that all those people in there are somehow trapped in one person's dream?
Dr. Chinstrap,"Yes, and so that's why I called the fire department. I don't know where else to turn."
Fireman 1,"Well, wait, if those people got stuck in there, why wouldn't we?"
Pinkerton,"It's very simple: You see,  when the dream experts go in, they attempt to take the subject to a dream within a dream."
Fireman 1,Like a taco within a taco?
Fire Captain,A double-decker taco supreme.
Pinkerton,"Exactly. But only dream spies have the ability to go deeper into dream levels, and firemen have the ability to bring ladders into other people's dreams."
Fire Captain,"Wait wait whoa whoa, how can you take a ladder into a dream?"
Pinkerton,Because the firemen dreams aren't like dreams at all. They're more like a dream within a matrix within a dream.
Pizza Man,Somebody order a pizza?
Pinkerton,No.
Dr. Chinstrap,Probably one of them in the dream.
Pizza Man,"Alright, I'm goin' in."
Pinkerton,"Look, if we can get the fire department into the counselor's dream, then we can jump everyone down at least another six dream levels. That way we'll be in the counselor's deepest level of subconscious."
Dr. Chinstrap,"And it will be like a taco, inside a taco, within a Taco Bell, that's inside a KFC, within a mall, that's INSIDE YOUR BRAIN!"
Mackey,"Aaaaaah! Not again, m'kay! Aaaaaah!"
Stan,"Mr. Mackey, stop running!"
Mackey,"But, but they're gonna kick my butt, m'kay!  They're gonna kick it bad!"
Stan,"Look, dude!  Whatever happened with those bullies, you just have to stop running and face it! It's just a dream dude! You can control what happens. Stand up to them this time."
Mackey,"I know what about? I don't remember what they did. I just remember the field trip being really bad, okay."
Billy,There he is! You can't run forever!
Mackey,"Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god..."
Stan,"Mr. Mackey, go, and face it! Please. So that we can get out of here and find out why we're hoarding."
Mr. Yelman,But I literally herd sheep.
Stan,Shut up!
Mackey,"Okay. Okay, I can do this. I'm just gonna stand and, and face what happens, okay?"
Pizza Man,Somebody... order pizza? Pizza?
Pinkerton,Mr. Mackey must be dreaming about something extremely traumatic.
Dr. Chinstrap,"Alright, that does it.  Get your coat."
Pinkerton,Where are we going?
Dr. Chinstrap,We need to get help from the most powerful dream infiltrator in the world.
Pinkerton,You don't mean...
Dr. Chinstrap,"Hello, Freddy.  You're looking healthy."
Freddy Krueger,Chinstrap! What happened? You run out of stoolies to do your work?
Dr. Chinstrap,"Alright, look, we're in a pickle again and we need your help. Got some people trapped inside a dream."
Freddy Krueger,Told you a long time ago: I gave that up.
Dr. Chinstrap,There's some good men stuck in there.
Freddy Krueger,I said I'm done with it!
Woman,"Everything all right, Fred?"
Freddy Krueger,"It's fine, Peg. Get back in the house."
Dr. Chinstrap,Wife and kids.
Freddy Krueger,No thanks to you.
Dr. Chinstrap,We need ya Fred.
Freddy Krueger,Like you needed me to kill those teenagers to stop the Russians?!
Dr. Chinstrap,We had a country to protect!
Freddy Krueger,Protect it yourselves this time.
Dr. Chinstrap,"Dammit I'm not working for the military anymore, Krueger!"
Freddy Krueger,Then you should have no problem covering it up.
Dr. Chinstrap,"Some of those trapped are firemen. Public servants, innocent in all of this."
Freddy Krueger,"Alright, fine."
Mackey,"Alright Billy, I'm not gonna let you hurt me this time, hm'kay? This time I'm gonna stand up for myself!"
Billy,You? Gonna fight back? I don't think so!
Stan,You can do it Mr. Mackey.
Mackey,"Go ahead and do your worst, Billy. I'm facing you head-on, m'kay?"
Billy,Alright Mackey. Take this.
DiCaprio,Get the perimeter secure! Make sure they're dead!
Stan,What the hell?
Expert 2,We got 'em! The bad memories are dead.
Fire Captain,"Alright everyone, this is the fire department. Do not panic."
Stan,Who are you people?
DiCaprio,We came here to rescue you from the bad guys in Mackey's dream.
Stan,"Well uh, wouldn't it be better to have Mackey face them on his own?"
Expert 1,"No. As long as the source of the drama is wiped out, the counselor can wake up."
Expert 2,Right.
Stan,...Well then why aren't we waking up?
Expert 2,Unless... the bullies aren't the source of the counselor's bad memory.
Mackey,"Hey that's right. The bullies didn't even beat me up that day. I, I ran away from them."
Expert 2,"Oh, whoops."
Mackey,I remember.  I ran and I ran and I hid in this building here. And somebody was in there. Somebody who talked to me real nice and then... and then touched me somewhere bad.
Real Mackey,"No Woodsy! Hmkay? Don't touch muh pee pee. No Woodsy, please. I'll give a hoot, hm'kay?"
Mackey,Woodsy Owl! No! I'll never litter again! I'll keep all my trash! No please Woodsy no!
Fire Captain,What's happening?
Expert 2,Dream conundrum. This is bad.
Fire Captain,What the hell's going on?
DiCaprio,The bad memory is manifesting itself! It didn't wanna be exposed!  Our dream bullets don't hurt it.
Mackey,"No! No more, Woodsy."
Stan,"Mr. Mackey, you have to wake up now!"
Expert 1,He can't! Don't you get it?! We're all gonna go to limbo!
Freddy Krueger,"There's a real hoot for ya, Woodsy!"
Mackey,It's dead... It's finally dead.
Dr. Chinstrap,Something's happening. I'm getting Bogart levels on all counter ups.
Pinkerton,They're waking up. They're coming to.
Dr. Chinstrap,"Ahhh, you're back, everyone!"
Randy,"Aw, dammit."
Fire Captain,"Thanks, Freddy."
Freddy Krueger,If only I could have saved the sheep herder.
Dr. Chinstrap,"Well, did you find the painful source of your hoarding problem, Mr. Mackey?"
Mr. Mackey,I sure did.
DiCaprio,Turns out he was molested by Woodsy Owl.
Mr. Mackey,"I completely blocked it from my memory, hm'kay?"
Fire Captain,"So, he was hoarding because when he tried to throw things away his subconscious would remember Woodsy's voice saying ""Give a hoot, don't pollute"" and touching his penis with his wing?"
Pinkerton,"Wow, that is so complex and trippy and cool!"
Dr. Chinstrap,"Well, now that we've uncovered Mackey's source of hoarding, we can finally move on to yours, Stan. Are you ready for your therapy?"
Stan,I think I have a better idea.
Wendy,"Stan, did you find out the reason you've been hoarding?"
Stan,"Whatever it is, I don't wanna know. I'm just gonna throw this crap away like I should have to begin with."
Kyle,"But dude, there must be something in your past you're not dealing with."
Stan,"Don't care. After going through all that crap and seeing what happened to Mackey, I don't want any part of therapy!"
Kyle,How do you know...  that wasn't your therapy?
Coon,"My fellow heroes, tonight I stopped three murders from happening.  I don't know why, but we're seeing a huge trend in crime. We have to find out the source of this evil. Something big is about to happen, and it is up to Coon and Friends to stop it.  Yes, Toolshed."
Toolshed,"Why do we have to be called ""Coon and Friends""?"
Coon,...What?
Toolshed,"We all fight crime together. How come we're just your ""friends""?"
TupperWear,"Yeah. We wanna be called ""The Extreme Avenger League."""
All,Yeah! That's right. Extreme Avenger League!
Coon,"I told you, TupperWear, Extreme Avenger League doesn't work."
TupperWear,Why not?
Coon,It's confusing! The Coon is a brand people already know.
Mosquito,Why can't it be Mosquito and Friends?
Coon,"Nobody's fucking heard of you, Mosquito!"
Mosquito,"Have, so."
Coon,"Look guys, we need to find out what's causing the crime wave in this city.  Mysterion, you and the Human Kite get on the computer and dig up what you can. TupperWear and Mosquito, scan the news. Toolshed, you run a perimeter check with Iron Maiden."
Iron Maiden,Timmeh!
Coon,"Let's work, people!  Uh, Mint-Berry Crunch, could I have a quick word with you in the debriefing chamber?  Okay, ummm, I really enjoy having you be a part of Coon and Friends and I certainly appreciate your on-time paying of dues and fees; it's just... I don't... I'm not getting your deal. I mean, exactly what is Mint-Berry Crunch supposed to mean?  I, I get that you're half man and half berry, and that you're... crunchy with some mint, but... to be a part of Coon and Friends, you have to have a clear and more... superhero kind of identity.  Mint-Berry Crunch, ummm, I'm just wondering if... maybe you need to add something else to the Mint-Berry Crunch part of your costume."
Mint-Berry Crunch,Like milk?
Coon,"No, not like milk! You see, I really think we're on different pages here, Mint-Berry Crunch! It's like you don't even-"
Alarm,Coon and Friends alert. Coon and Friends alert.
Coon,"Uh oh!  What's the alert, Mosquito?"
Mosquito,There's like a big fire or something in town.
Coon,What? A fire? Coon volume up!
News 4 Reporter,"There's thought to be at least twenty people trapped inside the apartment building, and firefighters are having no luck."
Coon,"My God, this is what we've been waiting for! Coon and Friends, let's head out!"
Coon's Friends,Let's do it! Yeah! Let's go!
Coon,"Yeah, uhh, Mint-Berry Crunch, why don't you stay here and mind the place, okay? Kewl."
Coon,"We've got to get downtown fast, Coon Friends!  Mom, you've gotta drive us downtown!"
Liane,"Ohh, it's a little late, sweetie. Why don't you boys just keep playing downstairs?"
Coon,"Mom, you're the Coon's faithful butler! I wanna go downtown now!"
Liane,"Well, all right.  I guess I can get some groceries anyway."
Coon,"Into the Coon Mobile, everyone! Let's just hope we get there in time!"
Liane,"All right, are you little munchkins buckled up for safety?"
Coon,"Mom, don't talk to us like that! We're fucking superheroes!"
Liane,"Eric, what have we talked about with that language?! One more time and I'm not taking you anywhere!"
Coon,"Oh... I'm sorry Mom, can we go please?  Unbelievable!"
Fireman,We tried gettin' in through the back; it was no good!
Fire Captain,Those people are gonna die if we don't do something!
Liane,"Oh my goodness, it's a fire."
Coon,"Come on, Coon Friends!"
Liane,"No- Eric, stay in the car, sweetie!"
Fire Captain,Can we try a helicopter?
Fireman,The winds are too high. The chopper would burn in minutes.
Coon,"All right, what seems to be the problem?"
Fire Captain,"Get back, kids. It isn't safe."
Liane,"Eric, poopsie?"
Coon,"Whatever's happening, you need help from the Coon!"
Mosquito,And friends!
Fire Captain,"Keep those children back, Thompson!"
Coon,"Please sir, you must let us-"
Liane,"Sweetie, let the nice firemen do their job."
Coon,Shut! Up! Mom! God!
Officer,Wait. Look! Up in the sky!
Fireman,"It's him! My God, it's really him!"
Fire Captain,He's come to help us. Captain Hindsight!
Stan,Who's Captain Hindsight?
Announcer,"Captain Hindsight, the hero of the modern age.  Once known as Jack Brolin, a reporter for the national news, the hero was born when a freak accident gave him the amazing power of extraordinary hindsight. From toxic spills to unjust wars there is no task too large for... Captain Hindsight!"
Fire Captain,"Captain Hindsight, thank God you've come!"
Captain Hindsight,What's the skinny?
Fireman,"There's people trapped in that burning building, Captain Hindsight. And the fire is so massive we can't get to them."
Captain Hindsight,"Hmmm... You see those windows on the right side? They should have built fire escapes on those windows for the higher floors, then people could have gotten down. And then on the roof: they should have built it with a more reinforce structure, so a helicopter could have landed on it."
Fireman,"Yes, of course."
Captain Hindsight,And then you see that building to the left?
Fire Captain,Yes.
Captain Hindsight,"They shouldn't have built that there. Because now you can't park any fire trucks where you really need to.  Well, looks like my job here is done. Goodbye everyone!"
Fireman,"Thank you, Captain Hindsight!"
Officer,Thank youuu!
Fire Captain,"All right everyone, I guess that's it. Let's pack it up."
Randy,"Whoa, boy, did you hear about that fire downtown, Sharon?"
Sharon,"Oh my gosh, yes! They said like 14 people died."
Randy,It's just ridiculous to me that they didn't build fire escapes on those upper floors! Ridiculous!
Sharon,"Oh I know, and if you ask me, they should've built a roof with enough support to land a helicopter."
Randy,"I mean, hello!"
Stan,Hey you guys are just repeating what that hindsight guy said.
Randy,"Why yes, Stan. Captain Hindsight is our protector and guardian. We're just thankful he was there for that fire. And now we can all eat in peace."
Alarm,Coon and Friends alert. Coon and Friends alert.
Randy,What the hell is that?  Who put that there?
Alarm: Alert.,"Seriously. All Coon Friends to base. Alert, you guys. I'm seriously."
Stan,"Mom, Dad? I I finished dinner. Can I go up to my room?"
Sharon,"Well sure, Stan.  Wha- How did that thing get there, Randy?"
Randy,I don't know.
Sharon,Well take it down. It's noisy.
Randy,I can't. I don't know what happened to all my tools.
Coon,"Alright, Toolshed is here. We can start."
Toolshed,"Dude, who said you could put a big siren in my parents' house?"
Mosquito,"Yeah, I almost got in trouble for it."
Coon,The Coon must be able to signal his friends when a huge catastrophe breaks out.
TupperWear,So what's the huge catastrophe?
Coon,What's the huge-? Did you guys not see that Captain Hindsight guy?!
The Human Kite,"Yeah, so?"
Coon,So there's a big superhero out there doing stuff on his own and he's NOT part of Coon and Friends!
Toolshed,Oh Jesus...
Coon,I've looked into it and this Captain Hindsight is everywhere. He's like some freelance butthole scab. We need to make him join us!
Professor Chaos,"Hey fellas?  Fellas, could you let me out please? It uh it's been like six days."
Coon,"You aren't going anywhere, Chaos!"
Professor Chaos,"Yeah, but uh, but uh youuu, but you only gave me this bucket to poop in and it's full now.  And I ain't got nothin' to eat."
Coon,"You've got poop, don'tcha?  Now the question is, how are we gonna get Captain Hindsight to join Coon and Friends?"
Mysterion,Who cares if a hero doesn't want to be part of Coon and Friends?
Coon,I CARE!
Mysterion,"Look, all we need to do is wait for the next disaster, then try to beat Hindsight to the scene."
Coon,There's not gonna be any worse disaster. What could possibly be worse than a fire that kills fourteen people?!
BP Man 1,"All right, this looks like a jolly good place."
BP Man 2,Yes. Let's let her rip.
BP Man 3,"That's it, lads. Collect that oil!"
BP Man 4,Uh oh!  Oh deah.
BP Man 3,"Oh, don't tell me we did it again?"
Alarm,Coon and Friends alert. Coon and Friends alert.  All Coon Friends report to base. I'm so seriously. Emergency. Coon and Friends alert.
Coon,"Good, you're all here. Take a look at this. Coon volume up!"
Reporter,"It's a scene of utter despair and catastrophe. Oil from the ocean is spill out out of control, and the rescue effort seems futile."
Man,It's horrible. We can't stop the oil from contaminatin' everything.
Woman,Our home is covered in sludge. Where are we supposed to go?
Cajun Shrimper,"Git a lookie on mah scrimp heuh! Might as give ya the best scrimp this side of Louisiana and now down tuh where we all got up in our scrimp, and it ain't worth a slimy noob it ain't sold on. There, now lookit all the url on mah scrimp!"
Mysterion,My God! Another oil spill could mean absolute devastation for the Gulf!
The Human Kite,We've got to help those people!
Coon,Yes. This is definitely a job for Coon and Friends.
Mint-Berry Crunch,Let's pack the Gulf full of flavor!
Rescuer 1,Wait a minute. Look! It's Captain Hindsight!
Coon,Oh no!
Captain Hindsight,What seems to be the problem?
Rescuer 2,"It's that BP Oil rig, Captain Hindsight. It drilled into a marine sanctuary and the environment is being poisoned."
Rescuer 3,"If we can't stop it, the spill could reach New Orleans."
Captain Hindsight,Hmm... All right. You see where that rig is drilling?
Rescuer 3,Yes.
Captain Hindsight,"It's in too deep of water. They shouldn't have drilled in that deep of water, because now they can't get machines deep enough to fix the spill!"
Rescuer 2,Aha!
Rescuer 4,"Yesss, YESSS."
Captain Hindsight,"Now, if it's a valve that ruptured, then what they should have done is installed the backup valve in case that valve broke."
Rescuer 2,"I believe they did install a backup safety valve, Captain Hindsight."
Captain Hindsight,Hmmm... Right. Then they should have had a backup safety valve to that backup safety valve!
Rescuer 5,"My God, he's right!"
Captain Hindsight,My work here is done! I'm off to fine others in need!
Rescuer 4,"God bless you, Captain Hindsight! God bless you!!"
Coon,Goddammit! We have got to get that guy into Coon and Friends!
Butler,Can I help you?
Cartman,I understand this is where Captain Hindsight lives?
Butler,Yes?
Cartman,"I need to speak with him, please."
Butler,The captain is very busy dealing with the Gulf oil crisis.
Cartman,"I believe I have something that can help him deal with that oil crisis, sir."
Butler,"Mr. Hindsight, sir.  This young man would like a word."
Captain Hindsight,"Please, sit down. What can I do for you?"
Cartman,"Mr. Hindsight, I represent some very high-profile people,  and I've been asked to give you some really exciting news.  You, have been pre-approved to become the newest member, of Coon and Friends."
Captain Hindsight,Of what?
Cartman,"I know the Coon personally, and I can tell you, being a Coon friend is the very highest honor. As you can see in those papers, your first three months of dues have actually been waived. This must be amazingly exciting for you."
Officer 2,"Captain Hindsight? Captain Hindsight, please come in!"
Captain Hindsight,Go ahead.
Officer 2,The oil keeps coming out! We've got other rigs now catching fire!
Captain Hindsight,"Listen! They should have hosed down the other rigs as soon as the spill began, and that wouldn't have happened."
Officer 2,Right.  Thank you!
Fireman 2,"Captain Hindsight! The dolphins that those volunteers cleaned of oil, they, they're all dying!"
Captain Hindsight,Get down to the volunteers and tell them they should have used a non-bleaching cleanser! Commissioner!
Commissioner,Yes?
Captain Hindsight,"Tell Brett Favre he should have never sent actual pictures of his schlong!  It's not a blessing, it's a curse."
Cartman,"...So, anyways, if you wanna just start filling out the form, we'll get you enrolled in Coon and Friends right away."
Captain Hindsight,"Look, I'm sorry kid, but I work alone."
Cartman,"Well, see, the problem with that is there's a superhero union called Coon and Friends. But if you refuse to be a part of that union. you are a scab!"
Captain Hindsight,Get this kid out of here! I have to think!
Cartman,"Fine! You'll be hearing from my lawy- the Coon's lawyer, sir!"
Anchor Man,"The BP Oil spill in the Gulf continues to get worse every day. As public anger towards the BP Company grows, their president released this statement:"
Tony Hayward,"Hello, I'm Tony Hayward, president and CEO of BP. Our accidental drilling spill again in the Gulf us a tragedy that should have never happened. And to all those affected, I want to say, we are deeply sorry.  We're sorry.  We're sorry.  We're sorry.  Sorry.  BP has taken full responsibility for cleaning up this spill in the Gulf, and in doing so, we've changed our name from Beyond Petroleum, to Dependable Petroleum.  We no longer fuck the earth, we DP it."
Coon,"Gentlemen, my attempts to recruit Captain Hindsight into Coon and Friends have been unsuccessful, but I believe I've come up with a solution. Coon Vision on!  All we need to do is get pictures of Captain Hindsight naked with Courtney Love. Then we'll tell him if he doesn't join us, we'll put them on the Internet."
Toolshed,How do we get pictures of him naked with Courtney Love?
Coon,"Simple, Toolshed. Coon slide 2?  We dress Professor Chaos up as Courtney Love, take pictures of him naked with a homeless guy, then photoshop Hindsight's face onto it."
Professor Chaos,"Me?? Awww, come on, fellas, don't make me be Courtney Love."
Coon,"Gotta get to work fast, people! Coon and Friends, ho!"
Mosquito,...You want us to take naked pictures of Butters to use as blackmail? That doesn't sound very superhero-like.
Coon,"That's because you think small, Mosquito! You have a tiny little mosquito brain, that's why you don't come up with the plan!"
Mosquito,"Nono, look. what's going on down in the Gulf is much more important than blackmailing another hero."
Mysterion,Agreed.
Coon,Oh who cares about some oil spill environment crap?!
Toolshed,"Mosquito has a good plan, Cartman! Hear him out!"
Coon,You don't know that I'm Cartman because my true identity is secret!
Mysterion,"We all have a say in this organization, Coon! Let Mosquito talk!"
Coon,"All right, Mosquito, how do you wanna help people suffering in the Gulf crisis?"
Mosquito,I think we should help raise money for the relief aid by having a bake sale.
Coon,A bake sale?
Mosquito,"I have a recipe for lemon bars from my mom. We could wear our costumes outside the grocery store and sell lemon bars. Which would be a good deed, and help people."
Coon,"We're superheroes, not the fucking Girl Scouts!"
Mysterion,Those people down there need help! Sometimes being a hero means helping in smaller ways.
Iron Maiden,Timmeh!
Coon,You think selling lemon bars is helpful to mankind?
Mint-Berry Crunch,More helpful than taking naked pictures of Butters.
Coon,"Shut up, Mint-Berry Crunch! You aren't even anything!"
Mosquito,And that's another thing: no more picking on Mint-Berry Crunch!
Coon,"Oh, what are you, the boss now?!"
Mosquito,"No, but we are all equal! From now on, we vote! Who wants to go with my plan?"
Coon,Sounds awesome. Let's do it.
Toolshed,To the grocery store!
Coon,"As we walked along the road to the grocery store, my Coon sense started tingling. Something was wrong. Very wrong. I've learned to trust my Coon sense. It has always been my guide. And so I knew I must act. A coon must know when to defend itself."
Coon,"Well, now we're back to normal.  Just like before and all forgotten? Right right?"
Mint-Berry Crunch,Right right.
Mosquito,Right.
Coon,Keewwwl! So what's next for Coon and Friends?
Anchor Man,"Another crisis in the Gulf of Mexico as the oil company DP has once again made a huge error.  This time, the oil company has accidentally ripped a hole into another dimension.  The oil company stated that it knew a portal to another dimension was there, but didn't think drilling into it would prove problematic.  Now hundreds of creatures from another dimension are spilling out into our reality and wreaking havoc."
Tony Hayward,"Hello, I'm Tony Hayward, CEO of DP. Tearing a hole into another dimension is a tragedy that should have never happened. And as CEO, I would like to say... We're sorry.  We're sorry.  We're sorry.  Sohr-ry."
Butler,Captain Hindsight! Sir! Calls for help are pouring in! You've got to get out to the Gulf!
Captain Hindsight,I can't help anyone right now! Something came up.
Butler,"What, sir? You know you can tell me."
Captain Hindsight,Do you remember last week when I... got really really drunk?
Butler,Yes sir.
Captain Hindsight,Look at those photos on the desk.
Butler,"My God, is that you and... Courtney Love?"
Captain Hindsight,'Course it's Courtney Love!
Butler,But when did you have a-
Captain Hindsight,"I don't remember! That's just the point! I get drunk, I don't remember things! I shouldn't have drank that much, and I shouldn't have mixed alcohols! Alcohol shouldn't be legal! Oh it's maddening!"
Butler,"That doesn't matter now, sir! People are getting hurt in the Gulf and they need to know what they could've done!"
Captain Hindsight,I should have never kept that bottle of Macallan in the pantry! I should have never gotten around Courtney Love and a camera. I should-
Butler,Sir! SIR!
Reporter,"Creatures from another dimension continue to wreak havoc in the Gulf, and the question everyone is asking is, ""Where is Captain Hindsight?"""
Rescuer 6,"Where are you, Captain Hindsight?"
Cajun Shrimper,Where are d'you countih ninety-oh bebbly now is showmesitchcum.
Reporter,"With Captain Hindsight missing, what superheroes can save the Gulf now?"
Coon,"My fellow superheroes, I have done it. Hindsight is taken care of. And now the country can finally be made aware of Coon and Friends!"
Toolshed,There's more important things to discuss right now!
Coon,"Right, Toolshed. Now, how do we deal with these creatures from another dimension?"
Mysterion,He means we need to discuss things with you!
Coon,"Okay, what?"
Mysterion,"Aw, I don't wanna tell him. TupperWear, you tell him!"
TupperWear,I don't wanna tell him either.
The Human Kite,"I'll tell him. Coon, I'm sorry, but we're kicking you out of Coon and Friends."
Coon,You're kicking me out of Coon and Friends.
Toolshed,"We all voted, it was unanimous."
Coon,"You can't kick me out of Coon and Friends, I'm the fucking Coon!"
The Human Kite,"Look, we just believe that you have your goals and ways of doing things and they conflict with what we want to accomplish."
Mysterion,But we get the headquarters and all the equipment.
Coon,You don't keep anything! This is my basement and I'll tell my mom on you guys!
Mysterion,We've already discussed this with her. Mrs. Cartman?
Liane,"Yes, Mysterion?"
Mysterion,Please escort the Coon out of our secret base.
Liane,"Eric, I talked to you about beating up your friends, didn't I?"
Coon,"Mom, what the fuck?! The fuck are you doing?!"
Liane,"Eric, you do not beat up your friends! And I told you I've had it with your language!  Your punishment is that your friends will just play superheroes without you! Go to your room!"
Coon,You've gotta be fucking kidding me!
DP Executive 1,"Oh dear, we have certainly pooped our trousers this time!"
Tony Hayward,"Yes, I'm afraid it's going to take more than another ""I'm sorry"" campaign to please everyone this time."
DP Executive 2,"Oh, what a right pickle we're in."
DP Executive 3,"There is no way to cut the dimensional portal, I'm afraid. The ocean currents and swells are simply too much to get any machines in."
Tony Hayward,"Wait a tick!  Currents and swells, that's it! I think I know how to fix this!"
DP Executive 4,"How, by Jove?"
Tony Hayward,We drill.
DP Executives,"Drill of course, yes, yes, of course."
Tony Hayward,"I believe that if we drill on the moon, changing its gravitational pull on our ocean swells, we could cut the dimensional spill."
DP Executive 5,I don't quite get it.
Tony Hayward,"We got into this mess by drilling heuh , and heuh . Now, we need to drill heuh!"
DP Executive 6,That looks extremely promising!
Tony Hayward,"Our environment should stabilize if it's getting drilled here, here, and here at the same time."
DP Executive 6,The seismic forces will be massive. Do you think the moon can take it?
Tony Hayward,"Oh, she'll take it."
Anchor Man,The DP Oil Company today drilled into the moon and appears to have caused even greater problems.
Stan,"Uh oh, I have a feeling we'd better get into our costumes again, guys."
Reporter,"Tom, the DP Oil Company has had another drilling accident.  This time they appear to have unleashed the dark and mighty Cthulhu.  The rise of Cthulhu from another dimension brings about three thousand years of darkness, Tom, where we will all be driven to madness and made to service Cthulhu's cult as slaves. The president of DP Oil released this press statement:"
Tony Hayward,"As president of DP Oil, I want to say... We're sorry.  I'm deeply sorry.  Sorry."
Reporter,"Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Praise the dark Cthulhu, long may he reign."
Stan,"It's up to us, guys. Let's get to the Gulf!"
Cartman,Darkness has taken over our town. The Coon and Friends have given in to evil. It's up to the Coon to stop them.
Cartman,Asshoooles!
Mysterion,"I am Mysterion. Though only nine years old, I dedicate my life to helping people - when I'm not in school.  For months now I've been protecting my town from crime. But now, something has happened that even I cannot fight alone.  The BP Oil Company has drilled and caused a spill in the Gulf like no other. The President of BP apologized."
Tony Hayward,We're sorry.
Mysterion,"But they drilled again, and tore open a portal into another dimension."
Tony Hayward,We're sorry.
Mysterion,"Creatures from that dimension are now wreaking havoc in the Gulf. BP tried to solve the problem by drilling on the moon, but instead they caused the dark lord Cthulhu to emerge."
Tony Hayward,Sorry.
Mysterion,"I have joined forces with other superheroes in my neighborhood to help save the Gulf. But even the other heroes do not know that unlike them, I do have a power. A power they will now begin to understand. And all will know who and what I truly am!"
Woman 1,Just terrific what you boys are doing.
Mysterion,"Thank you, ma'am."
Man 1,"I'll take twenty lemon bars, you little rascals."
Field Reporter,"A terrific human interest story here, Tom. As America wonders what happened to Captain Hindsight, some Colorado kids are being a little ""superhuman"" themselves. They call themselves ""Coon and Friends,"" and they've been baking and selling lemon bars to help aid those affected in the Gulf crisis."
Mysterion,We believe that every little bit helps.
Field Reporter,"Their little ""super club"" consists of seven young heroes."
Toolshed,Toolshed!
Human Kite,The Human Kite!
Mysterion,Mysterion!
TupperWear,TupperWear!
Mosquito,Mosquito!
Iron Maiden,Timmah!
Mint-Berry Crunch,Mint Berry Crrrunch!
Field Reporter,"The boys stated that there used to also be a hero named The Coon actually in the group, but they let him go because he was being quote,  ""a dick""."
Toolshed,"Mysterion, if Cartman's gone, why are we still calling ourselves Coon and Friends?"
Mysterion,"Because it pisses Cartman off beyond belief, and I find that  extremely funny."
Clerk,"Passengers waiting for flight 73 to New Orleans, we thank you for your patience, but the conditions in the Gulf are still delaying our departure. Unfortunately, we've just been informed that the dark lord Cthulhu has shat on the runway at the New Orleans airport, and we'll be delayed at least another hour."
Passengers,Awwww!
Coon,"Come on, people! Some of us need to get to New Orleans NOW!  Yes yes, I am the Coon."
Blonde Girl,The Coon? I've heard of that.
Coon,Ya have?
Blonde Girl,I saw on TV. That superhero group that's helping with the Gulf spill. Coon and Friends.
Coon,"Actually, I'm no longer with Coon and Friends. I work on my own now."
Blonde Girl,Can I ask you a question?
Coon,"Yes, of course."
Blonde Girl,Do you know Mint-Berry Crunch? What's he like?
Coon,"The evil girl villain fought with all her might, but the Coon was too much for her. As people looked on and cheered for the Coon, he clawed and punched the villain's stupid fat face!  This fight would not be the last the Coon fought. Next stop: New Orleans!"
Mosquito,"That's almost it, superheroes. We're about out of lemon bars."
Toolshed,"Well then, perhaps we should return to our secret base and bake some more!"
Iron Maiden,Timmah!
Man 2,I'll take ten lemon bars.
Mosquito,Ten. Yes sir!
Human Kite,That's definitely the last of them.
Man 2,"You'll never stop him, you know."
Mosquito,Stop who?
Man 2,"The Great One.  Cthulhu. He has risen, and soon all will be under his rule. It has all been foretold in the Necronomicon.  Hail Cthulhu! The darkness of the mythos is finally here.  Oh man, these are really good lemon bars."
Toolshed,The Necronomicon?
TupperWear,What's a mythos?
Mysterion,"I don't know, but I think we'd better find out."
Toolshed,"All right, superheroes. Back to our secret base!"
Mint-Berry Crunch,Mint-Berry Crrunch!
TupperWear,What the hell?!
Mosquito,I knew it! Cartman tore our base up!
Mysterion,Not Cartman.
Human Kite,"What do you mean ""Not Cartman,"" dude?"
Mysterion,Whoever did this to our base was looking for something.
Captain Hindsight,Don't anybody move!  So you're the superheroes trying to blackmail me!
Toolshed,"Aw, dude, it's Captain Hindsight."
Narrator,"Captain Hindsight,  the hero of the modern age. Once a reporter for the National News, Jack Brolin always had a knack for hindsight.  Wanting to become the best-known reporter in the country, Jack tried an experiment to boost his hindsight levels. But then a freakish accident occurred when a retroactive spider got into the equipment. The reporter's hindsight was blasted to superhuman levels!  For months he was able to use his new powers for good, fighting for peace, and the American way.  With his three trusty companions, Shoulda, Coulda, and Woulda.  But now, the Hindsight that has saved so many threatens to consume Jack's very soul. It's Captaiiin Hindsight!"
Captain Hindsight,I shoulda never mixed vodka and Jack Daniels. I shoulda just gone to bed last night!
Toolshed,"Um dude, are you okay?"
Captain Hindsight,Where are the pictures?! Give every copy of the pictures to me NOW!
Mint-Berry Crunch,"P-p-please sir, w-we don't know what you mean."
Captain Hindsight,You got pictures of me having sex with Courtney Love!
Professor Chaos,Uhhh ohhh...
Mysterion,Chaos! Why did you take those pictures?!
Professor Chaos,"But uh, but, but the Coon said if I took the pictures he, he'd let me go home and, and I've missed four days of school now 'cause I've been-"
Captain Hindsight,Alright enough! What's going on?!
Mysterion,"Hindsight, that isn't Courtney Love! Our former member, the Coon, tricked you!"
Captain Hindsight,It's not Courtney Love?
Mysterion,"Please sir, put down the gun."
Captain Hindsight,No! What if I put down the gun and realize I shouldn't have?!
Toolshed,"Look dude, we don't need to play Superhero anymore. We can just go home."
Captain Hindsight,NO! Because I could realize I shoulda killed you all!
Mysterion,"Then do it!  Pull the trigger, Hindsight! If you don't believe us then you don't have a choice! Pull the trigger, you pussy!"
Human Kite,"Dude, Kenny, ch-chill out."
Mysterion,You guys go! I'll deal with this prick!
Mint-Berry Crunch,"Wuh uh okay, if you insist. Uh see ya, Kenny."
Human Kite,"My mom did tell me I had to be home by five, I-"
Mysterion,I said it's fine! Just go!
Toolshed,"Uh, text me later, Kenny, if you wanna, like, play basketball or somethin'."
Coon,"Cthulhu! Cthulhu, dude! Over here!  Hey Cthulhu. 'Sup? Yes, it is me, the Coon! But don't worry, I'm actually not here to fight you! We are not so different, Cthulhu. Though I am a superhero and you are a dark god from another dimension, perhaps, we can work together!  I know how it feels to want to take over and rule the earth and have everyone else be your slaves. I do, bro! But there's a group of superhumans who are going to stop at nothing to stop YOU!  Good, I have your attention. The superhumans I speak of are right now working on plans to destroy you! They reside in Colorado and they are fucking assholes, and they all deserve to be sent into a dark oblivion! You can do that, right? Send people into a dark oblivion? 'Cause that's what those buttholes deserve!  No-Dude! Dude, Colorado is that way! Where are you going??  Goddammit, why don't dark lords fuckin' listen?!"
Captain Hindsight,"It doesn't matter.  Even if the pictures are fake. I can't take it anymore.  Do you have any idea what a curse it is to have perfect 20/20 hindsight?  As soon as something bad happens, I immediately know how it could have been avoided. I can't take it anymore!"
Mysterion,"People need you, Hindsight!  Without you they feel helpless and stupid."
Captain Hindsight,"Well I don't want the power anymore, alright?!"
Mysterion,"You think your power's a curse?! Let me tell you something about curses, buttlicker!  Because there's some superpowers that make yours look like nothing! Trust me, I know."
Captain Hindsight,Wha-? What is your power?
Mysterion,"I can't die.  I've experienced death, countless times. Sometimes I see a bright light. Sometimes I see heaven. Or hell. But eventually, no matter what, I wake up in my bed, wearing my same old clothes.  And the worst part? Nobody even remembers me dying. I go to school the next day, and everyone is just like, ""Oh hey Kenny."" Even if they had seen me get decapitated with their own eyes.  You wanna whine about curses, Hindsight? You're talking to the wrong fucking cowboy."
Announcer,"And now, a special announcement from the president of BP and DP."
Tony Hayward,"Hello, I'm Tony Hayward. The tragic spill in the Gulf is a disaster that should have never happened. And as head of the oil company responsible, I would like to say, what should I do?  Should I admit we've made mistakes?  Should I remind you we've done this before? What should I do? Should I find newer and better ways to say I'm sorry?"
Captain Hindsight,Should I really believe I ruined my legacy?  What should I do?
Tony Hayward,What should I do?
Mysterion,What should I do?  Should I forget about the past and not care about my powers?
Tony Hayward,"Or should I tell you, ""I am not a role model."""
Captain Hindsight,"Seriously, what should I do?"
Tony Hayward,Should I accept my role as the villain?
Mysterion,Maybe I should just... disappear.
Tony Hayward,Should I not have listened to my technicians who said a spill wouldn't happen? They're my technicians!
Captain Hindsight,"Hindsight's a bitch, isn't it?"
Coon,Should I just apologize to my friends and ask them to take me back? Tell then that I was being a selfish jerk?  What should I do?
Captain Hindsight,Should I get back in the chair? Remove my powers and just go back to being a simple reporter?
Coon,"Should I admit I was wrong? Ask for everyone's forgiveness and go back to my original team?  Nah, screw that. I'm just gonna keep bein' a fuckin' dick!"
Toolshed,"All right, superheroes, we've got to find out more about this Necronomicon thing!"
Mosquito,"Right, Toolshed!"
Human Kite,"Here we go: ""The Necronomicon contains an account of the Old Ones, their history, and the means for summoning them."""
Toolshed,"""It is used by cults around the world, most notably the Cult of Cthulhu."""
Mint-Berry Crunch,"Aha! That's the cult the creepy man talked about, heroes. Uh, you okay, Mysterion?"
Mysterion,I'm fine.
Human Kite,"Ten arrested in South Park for cultish activity. This is from like, ten years ago."
Mysterion,So these people have been waiting for Cthulhu a long time.
Human Kite,"Hey wait a minute. Dude. Mysterion, it's your parents."
Mysterion,"Uhh, what?  What the fuck?! I m-I mean,  Uh, I mean, what the fuck?!"
Betsy,"Clyde? Clyde, I told you this morning to take the garbage out.  Clyde, do you hear me?"
Mosquito,"Okay Mom, just give me two minutes.  Nag nag nag."
Coon,"Convincing a giant creature from another dimension to do what you want is no easy task. After days of killing and conquering, Cthulhu is at rest. Now is my chance to make a move. Perhaps last time I was too forceful with the dark god. Too demanding. To get what it wants, sometimes a coon must be on the attack and vicious.  But sometimes a coon must be cuddly and cute.  Time for me to try and manipulate the most evil thing in all the universe.  Who's the sleepy little man?  My name is the Little Coon. What is your name?  Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!  You're a sleepy man ne, Cthulhu?  Who's a needs a tummy rub?"
Mrs. McCormick,"You're hoggin' it all, asshole!"
Stuart,"'Cause I paid for it, you stupid bitch!"
Mrs. McCormick,You paid for it with the money I made washing dishes at the Olive Garden!
Stuart,I told you to shut up!
Mrs. McCormick,"Give to me, you prick!  AH! AAAAH!  Oh God he's back! It's that mystery kid again!"
Stuart,"Uh what the hell do you want this time? Hey look, w-we did what you told us! W-w-we treat our kids better and we don't beat each other up as much."
Mrs. McCormick,And we gave our sons allowances and stopped gettin' high every night.
Mysterion,I'm not here about that.
Stuart,"Oh. Uhuh, sss-so now what?"
Mysterion,Ten years ago you were arrested for being in some kind of cult.
Mrs. McCormick,We were?
Stuart,"We've been arrested lots of times, Mysterio."
Mysterion,Mysterion. What is the Cult of Cthulhu?!
Stuart,"Oh, that thing. Nooo, we weren't in that stupid group. They just used to offer free beer at their meetings, so we would go."
Mysterion,What happened at those meetings?
Stuart,"Trust us, we don't remember. Uh uh, I know it sounds hard to believe, but we were actually really drunk the entire time."
Mysterion,I don't find that hard to believe at all.
Mrs. McCormick,"I swear, we haven't been back to their meetings ever since, even though we always still get invited."
Mysterion,These people still meet? Where?
Stuart,Where they always did. Jim McElroy's house.
Mrs. McCormick,They used to meet every Friday night. I think they still do.  Did that really just happen?
Stuart,I don't think so.
Field Reporter,"Breaking news here in the Gulf, Tom. The dark ancient god Cthulhu has called for a press conference, The Old One told reporters in a statement released this morning that it has extremely exciting news."
Coon,"Ladies and Gentlemen, today we are pleased to announce the successful merger of Cthulhu, and the Coon. Cthulhu's track record for complete dominance and interdimensionary rule is without question. And now, coupled with the legitimacy and instantly recognizable brand name of The Coon, we intend to bring change and fight injustice. As the all-new Coon and Friends. And anybody else using that name for their benefit is breaking the law! Oh, what's that? There is another group using our trademarked name? Well, I guess we have a right to banish them to a dark oblivion, don't we?!"
Followers,ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.
Cult Leader,"The Old One has awakened!  A lot of us have waited a long time for this day. Well for all our South Park Cthulhu members old and new, it is time to par-tay!"
Mysterion,There must be clubs like this all over the world.
Toolshed,"We know some of these people. There's Mr. Adler, from shop class. And those two geeky computer guys."
Human Kite,"Oh my God, look! Back row. Aren't those the Goth kids?"
Red Goth,I'm so freaking stoked that Cthulhu is gonna squash all the happy-go-lucky conformists.
Tall Goth,Yeah. I just hope he puts an end to the fucking Disney Channel.
Toolshed,"Dude, why would the Goth kids worship Cthulhu?"
Mysterion,Makes sense. Unrelenting despair and a thousand years of darkness sounds pretty goth.
Cult Leader,"Now let us read from the Necronomicon. ""That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange aeons"""
Followers,"""Even Death may die."""
Toolshed,"""In strange aeons even Death may die?"" What does that mean, Human Kite?"
Human Kite,"I'm not sure, Toolshed. Could it be a riddle, Mysterion? M-! Mysterion?"
Mint-Berry Crunch,Mysterion is sooo... mysterious.
Jack Brolin,"A horrific scene of destruction, despair and terror here in New Orleans. And still there's no sign of Captain Hindsight. Rumor has it he got sick of it all, went back to his chair, and removed all his powers."
Injured Man,Where are you Captain Hindsight? Aggh!
Jack Brolin,Perhaps... he shouldn't have gotten back in that chair...
Red Goth,Do you think the dark lord Cthulhu is gonna make us go to school?
Tall Goth,"No, assmunch. Cthulhu just wants chaos, bedlam, and madness."
Red Goth,"Good, because if I have to go to PE class again, I was gonna kill myself.  Who the F'n H is that?"
Mysterion,"What does it mean? ""That is not dead which can eternal lie""?"
Tall Goth,"""And with strange aeons even Death may die."""
Mysterion,What does it mean?!
Red Goth,"It means Cthulhu is gonna get rid of all the posers and make everything cool and black and stuff. It's gonna be like, a Nine Inch Nails concert that goes on forever."
Tall Goth,"Yeah, so go home and put your underwear back inside your pants, poser."
Mysterion,You're going to tell me everything you know!
Kindergoth,"Nobody's stopping Cthulhu now! All will be sadness. Life will become death, and I will watch the crimson blood leak from your neck."
Tall Goth,"Dude, that little kid is hardcore goth."
Red Goth,Hardcore goth.
Cult Leader,"The child is right, you know. Cthulhu sees all, hears all. The dark lord wants us to dispense of this one, kids. Give us a hand."
Red Goth,"Whaaat? Dude, I don't wanna kill anybody."
Tall Goth,"We're dark lord minions now, wuss. What'd you think we'd be doing?"
Red Goth,"Ugh, whatevs."
Singer,"Cthulhu Cthulhu, Cthulhu Cthulhu."
Coon,Yeeheah!
Singer,"The evil hate-filled Cthulhu, from a dimension far away.Flying through gates of madness and into your heart"
Coon,"Yeah, fuck all o'you!"
Singer,Turning dreams into nightmares
Coon,Lick my balls!
Singer,Destroying all he sees
Coon,Now begins a new adventure for... MEEEE!
Singer,"You and the dark one, CthulhuSharing adventures and smiles,It's a magical bond two pals can share.Soon the whole world will be made aware ofYou and the death lord, CthulhuMakin' the world a better place.Together you will have so much fun"
Coon,Sending all my stupid friends to oblivion!
Singer,"You and the dark one, Cthulhu"
Coon,"Suck it, bitches!"
Cult Leader,Just hold still and it will all be over quickly.
Mosquito,"Let him go!  Coon and Friends, ho! Mosquito!"
Toolshed,Toolshed!
TupperWear,TupperWear!
Iron Maiden,Timmeh!
Human Kite,Human Kite!
Mint-Berry Crunch,Mint-Berry Crrrunch!
Toolshed,"Let him go, dude, or else we'll totally tell our parents on you!"
Cult Leader,Sorry kids. It's a little late for that.
Toolshed,"Oh my God. Oh my God, they- they killed Kenny!"
Human Kite,You bastards!
Toolshed,"Dude, Kenny, what'd you run away for?! We've gotta fight these guys!"
Mosquito,"Yeah, come on, get your costume on, lazy-ass!"
Human Kite,Let's go.
Mint-Berry Crunch,Mint-Berry Crunch!
Mint-Berry Crunch,"Sit back, justice believers, and listen to another edition of America's favorite superhero, Mint-Berry Crunch!  Our story begins in a remote corner of the Gulf of Mexico.  The BP Oil Company drills into the ocean floor,  but they drill too much, and the BP Oil Company accidentally unleashes Cthulhu, an ancient evil god from another dimension. Halfway across the country,  a mild-mannered attractive fourth-grader, Bradley Biggle, hears of the disaster on the news while with his friends.  But Bradley Biggle is no ordinary fourth-grader! Not long ago, he realized he had superpowers he could call upon by turning in place and saying the magic word, ""Shablagoo!"" And in a flash, Bradley is transformed into the thrilling superhero, Mint-Berry Crunch! Joined by the other Coon Friends, Mint-Berry Crunch went to investigate the Gulf spill crisis! The superheroes came across a cult, in existence for years, that had been waiting for Cthulhu's arrival. They are the key to stopping Cthulhu from taking over the world! Sometimes, when everything seems hopeless, that's when you need to bring it all.  That's when you need... to bring the Crr-runch!"
Toolshed,"Dude, I'm sorry, but we still aren't getting it. You're half man and half berry?"
Mint-Berry Crunch,Rrright!
Human Kite,But then what exactly is your superpower?
Mint-Berry Crunch,The power of mint and berries yet with a satisfying tasty crunch!
Toolshed,"...Nah, see, that's the problem dude, that's not really a superpower. Like, I have mental command over all power tools, Human Kite can fly-"
Human Kite,And shoot lasers out of my eyes.
Toolshed,"And shoot lasers out of his eyes. And Mysterion can...  Wait, what's your superpower Mysterion?"
Mysterion,I can't die!
Toolshed,"...Oh yeah, good one. Mysterion can't die, and Iron Maiden is indestructible-"
Mysterion,"No, Stan, I'm being serious! I really, really can't die!"
Toolshed,...Woo-hat?
Mysterion,"Like last night, in the alley, the cult leader stabbed me and I bled all over the place! And you screamed ""Oh my God,"" and you called him a bastard!"
Human Kite,When was that?
Mysterion,All the time! I die all the time! And you assholes NEVER REMEMBER!
Toolshed,"...Ah I think we would remember you dying, dude."
Mysterion,Well you don't! I die over. And over! Only to wake up in my bed like nothing happened!
Toolshed,"Dude, you're freaking out Mint-Berry Crunch. He's peed his pants."
Mint-Berry Crunch,Nono. Mint-Berry Crunch doesn't ever pee his pants!
Mysterion,I knew there'd be no point in telling you guys.
Human Kite,"Alright. dude, let, let's just say you're not crazy and it's true. What's the big deal? I mean, I think it'd be pretty cool not to be able to die."
Mysterion,Pretty cool?! Do you know what it feels like to be stabbed?! To be shot?! Decapitated?! Torn apart?! Burned?! Run over?!
Toolshed,"Kenny Kenny, calm down."
Mysterion,"It's not pretty cool, Kyle! It fuckin' hurts! And it won't go away, and nobody will believe me!  Remember this time! Try and fuckin' remember!"
Toolshed,"Oh my God! Holy shit, dude!"
Human Kite,Dude!
Mint-Berry Crunch,Is he? Oh Jesus!
Toolshed,Kenny? No! No!
Coon,"Gather around, believers in good, and listen to the newest installment of The Coon. It all began when the BP Oil Company drilled into the ocean floor and ripped open a hole into another dimension. Seeing the disaster on Coon-Vision, the Coon immediately called together his trusty Coon Friends. As the Coon explained how the disaster could be stopped, something terrible happened. Without warning, the Coon friends changed. Their superpowers morphed somehow, turning them into... supervillains.  The Coon tried to reason with them, tried to bring them back to the side of good,  but it was too late.  Their black hearts had been tainted by hate and rage. The Coon was alone, turn by the ultimate dilemma.  He had to put a stop to the evil villains, even though they had once been his friends. Sometimes, to fight the ultimate evil, you must make friends with enemies.  The Coon teamed up with Cthulhu, because even Cthulhu knows what evil assholes Kyle and Stan and those guys are! And that they are manipulative, uncaring, vagina faces! They're all planning to destroy the world. Only one thing can stop them: the Coon. With Cthulhu's help, I can try to banish them to a dark oblivion, for all eternity.  I will not rest until that happens."
Coon,"Bab-ay,I know you're askin' me to staySay ""Please please please don't go away.""You say I'm givin' you the blues.Mayb-ay,you mean every word you sayCan't help but think-"
Liane,Eric Cartman!
Coon,Hi Mom.
Liane,"Where have you been, young man?!"
Coon,Just doin' stuff Mom. Are my friends downstairs in the secret base?
Liane,"Yes they are, but you were supposed to be grounded in your room! And now you're more grounded, young man!"
Coon,"The Coon's mother appears to be extremely upset. In order to get past her, I must use the LeBron James technique."
Liane,"Eric, are you listening to me?!"
Coon,Mom... what should I do?
Liane,What?
Coon,What should I do? Should I admit I made mistakes? Should I say I've done this before? Should I write a song about how I should have stayed in my room? What should I do?
Liane,"What do you mean ""what should-"""
Coon,"Should I say I am not a role model? Should I not listen to my conscience? It's my conscience, Mom! What should I do? Go back to my room and pretend nothing happened? Not jump out the window and fly to New Orleans? What should I do, Ma? Tell me!"
Liane,"I just, I- I'm gonna go make you kids some lemonade."
Human Kite,"Alright Coon and Friends, what good deed should we do next?"
Mosquito,Perhaps we should make more lemon bars to raise money for people in need.
TupperWear,Okay!
Mysterion,"You guys have no memory of me shooting myself in the head, do you?"
Toolshed,Uh-what?
Mysterion,What we need to do is talk to people in that cult! I wanna know where my powers come from.
Human Kite,Yeah cool let's talk about where our powers come from.
Mosquito,I was bitten by a radioactive mosquito! Bzzzzzzt.
TupperWear,"I was in a car accident, then put back together with Tupperware parts."
Iron Maiden,Tih-Timmieh!
Mysterion,Will you guys listen to me?! I actually have a power that I actually want to know about!
Coon,"Hey guys.  So, what's goin' on?"
Toolshed,"Go away Cartman. We kicked you out of Coon and Friends, remember?"
Coon,"No, I, I know. That's cool, I understand. Even though I started it and the secret base is in my house. Yes, that's totally understandable."
Human Kite,"You just wanted to frame and blackmail people, then you beat up Clyde and Bradley for no reason!"
Coon,"No you're right. For no reason. Clearly something is wrong with me. But you guys, what should I do?"
Human Kite,"You should fuck off, that's what you should do."
Coon,"Hm. Ah, all right, look. You guys were totally right, okay? That's all I wanted to say. That and... there's a double rainbow outside."
Mint-Berry Crunch,A what?
Coon,"Double rainbow, you guys. You don't see 'em often, but there's one outside right now. You've gotta come see!"
Mint-Berry Crunch,A double rainbow? Shablagoo!
Human Kite,"Wait, Mint-Berry Crunch ya you might not wanna go-"
Professor Chaos,"Huhey, can I see the double rainbow, fellas?  Uh, fellas?"
Coon,Isn't it beautiful you guys?
Human Kite,"There's no double rainbow, fatass!"
Coon,"You are correct, Human Kike! Not that supervillains like you guys could ever see a double rainbow!"
Mosquito,What are you talking about?
Coon,"Your evil-doing days are over, Mosquito! All of you shall now be dealt the swift hand of justice!"
Human Kite,"Cartman, you are the bad guy, not us!"
Coon,"Nuh uh, you guys are the bad guy."
Mint-Berry Crunch,Waaaaaaaaaah!
Mysterion,What are you doing with that thing?!
Coon,He's going to help me get rid of you guys so together we can make the world a better place!
Human Kite,"Cartman, if you team up with the most evil thing in the universe, then clearly you are the bad guy!"
Coon,"No, because it's for the greater good, like when Superman teamed up with Lex Luthor!"
Human Kite,Superman never teamed up with Lex Luthor!
Coon,"Well, that's why Superman isn't around anymore, isn't it? Cthulhu! Banish them to a dark oblivion, please!  Aww! Dude, that was awesome! You're all like ""Mehhhh"" and they were all like ""Nooo!"""
Coon,"All right, now, we've taken out most of the synagogues, destroyed San Francisco, sent my friends into a dark oblivion, and so our next order of business will be Burning Man.  Burning Man is the biggest hippie festival in the world, and tomorrow, we're gonna wipe them all out. Pretty soon, the whole wold will be transformed thanks to the Coon!  Yes yes, the Coon and Friend. Now after Burning Man we'll take down Whole Foods alright?  The dark lord is agitated and the LeBron James technique might not work. The Coon will have to use an even more manipulative technique. Time to bust out: Cute Kitten.  Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.  Meow meow meow."
Toolshed,"Dude, where the fuck are we?"
Mysterion,"I don't know, but... I feel like... I've... been here before."
Mint-Berry Crunch,"And so, the Coon had returned with the dark lord Cthulhu! Upon seeing Cthulhu in person, Mint-Berry Crunch heroically dashed off, to, to save the day! With Minty coolness he hurried back home! And heroically watched Judge Judy, knowing that his superhero friends were probably just fine without him!"
Toolshed,Oh shit!
Human Kite,We aren't going that way!
Mosquito,"You guys, I wanna go home."
Toolshed,"We all wanna go home, Clyde. I don't think we're gonna last very long out here."
Mosquito,"Look, maybe we should just a place to hid and wait for help."
Human Kite,"What help, dude? Nobody in the real world even knows we're here."
Mysterion,"Alright, you guys hide as long as you can. I'll try and find help."
Toolshed,"How, dude?"
Human Kite,"Kenny, where the hell are you going?"
Mysterion,"I'm going to try to get you all out of here. If this works. Or, I could be wrong."
Mosquito,Kenny!
Mysterion,Ow! That fucking HURTS!
Toolshed,Oh my God! Kenny!
Human Kite,You... you crazy bastard!
Man 1,It's burning Man!
Man 2,"Biggest party in the world, baby!"
Coon,Fucking hippies! Fuck all o'you!
Reporter,"The dark and evil Cthulhu is bringing his angry wrath down upon the Burning Man Festival, Tom. Cthulhu isn't behaving as most scientists had speculated, Tom, but the dark lord is wreaking havoc everywhere and-"
Coon,"No nonono! Excuse me! It is not Cthulhu, it is Coon and Friend! I'm a little sick of everyone giving him all the credit when I'm the one really making the world a better place!"
Reporter,"Tom, it appears that Bruce Vilanch has arrived on the scene wearing a rat costume."
Coon,"Oh, you motherfucker!  Cthulhu, this guy too!  Kewl. Oh get that fire-twirling hippie bitch."
Tall Goth,"This freaking sucks! We worshiped and prayed to Cthulhu, went to all the cult meetings, but life is still totally freaking gay."
Red Goth,I thought that when Cthulhu rose from the dead all was gonna be darkness and pain. I thought at least school would be canceled.
A Voice,How to I fight him?
Tall Goth,"Oh joy, it's Underwear Boy again."
Mysterion,That god you pray to just took away all my friends.
Red Goth,"Not our god. He promised everything would change if we worshiped him, but we're still sitting here smoking cigarettes like before  It's like Obama all over again."
Mysterion,How do I fight him?!
Red Goth,"Cthulhu isn't alive or dead, alright?"
Mysterion,Tell me what that means!
Mrs. Biggle,"Henrietta, your little brother wants to play with you."
Henrietta,"Go away Mom, I hate you."
Mrs. Biggle,"Just let your little brother play with your friends, sweetie. He's lonely. Go on in, Bradley."
Bradley,Will you guys play with me?
Henrietta,"Fuck off, dork! I don't want you here!"
Bradley,"Please, can I just- oh g'uh!  Mu-Mysterion! Wuh what's goin'- Uh, that's okay, sis. I'll play with you another time."
Bradley,Mysterion is here! He must have come for my help.  No time to waste. Time for Bradley Biggle to transform.  Shablagoo!
Henrietta,"Alright, look. The Necronomicon is an account of the Old Ones, their history, and the means for summoning them."
Mysterion,One Ones?
Tall Goth,Dark deities that existed before man.
Henrietta,"It was written by a mad prince who knew of the nightmare city of R'Lyeh, which fell from the stars and exists beneath the sea. And, in another dimension."
Mysterion,That's it! That's the place I just was!
Tall Goth,You've been to the nightmare city of R'Lyeh?
Red Goth,Luckyyy...
Henrietta,"Cthulhu and other beings are from this city, but for years cultists have tried to bring them into our world."
Mysterion,And what about Cthulhu's power? Why can't Old Ones die?
Henrietta,The only thing that can destroy an immortal... is another immortal.
Mint-Berry Crunch,"Ahaaa! Don't worry, Mysterion. Mint-Berry Crunch is here to help you with these black cultists!"
Henrietta,"Get out of my room, TWERP!"
Mint-Berry Crunch,"Mint-Berry Crunch isn't afraid of his fat sister! Grab her legs, Mysterion!  M- Mysterion?  Aw crap."
Mint-Berry Crunch,"Hey Mysterion, wait up!  Come on, wait uuup!  Us Coon Friends need to stick together remember? Where are you going?"
Mysterion,Wherever Cthulhu is!
Mint-Berry Crunch,What? But he'll kill you.
Mysterion,"Maybe, but with any luck I might find the reason for my powers."
Mint-Berry Crunch,Oh right. Maybe I can find the reason for my powers too.
Mysterion,You don't understand!
Mint-Berry Crunch,"How was it that mint and berry came together delivering full flavor in an intense crunch?  We must find out answers Mysterion.  Mu-Mysterion, I'm going with you."
Coon,"After the triumphant victory over the evil hippies of Burning Man, Coon and Friends turned their attention to the next villainous scourge, bravely taking out every Whole Foods left in the country! No more organic crap for America! Thanks to Coon and Friends the country would soon be rid of all evil, but first, they would come up against their most challenging and most evil opponent, Justin Bieber. In order to save the Earth, this little butthole had to be stopped."
Justin Bieber,"Babih babih babih oooo! Babih babih babih oooo! Babig baibig woo woo, Bay-wooo  Wooooo-ooo-oo!"
Coon,"Yep, that's him. So long, Justin Bieber, you little douchebag!"
Reporter 2,"The dark god Cthulhu continues his rampage of destruction and terror, and there seems to be no hope for man. I'm joined now by a supposed team member of Cthulhu, the Coon."
Coon,"It isn't just Cthulhu, Mr. Reporter. He's merely a small piece of Coon and Friends, who will continue to fight for good and justice."
Reporter 2,Good and justice? J-Justin Bieber and most of his fans have just been massacred.
Coon,"Yes, Coon and Friends are happy to help. We do not need thanks for our deeds. We do not want gifts, all we want is for people to buy our Coon and Friends T-Shirts for $14.95."
Mysterion,"Hey, fat boy!"
Coon,Kenny? What the hell? I sent you to the-
Mysterion,To the sunken city of R'Lyeh fallen from the stars!  You little fucking prick! What is wrong with you?! What kind of sick fuck does that to his friends?!
Coon,"It's not my fault you guys turned evil, Kenny!"
Mysterion,"You are the bad guy, fat boy! YOU!"
Coon,I'm going around making the world a better place!
Mysterion,For you! You're making it a better place for you!
Coon,"Right, that's what superheroes do."
Mysterion,No! This is what superheroes do!  You banished me but I'm back! What does that make me?!  Bring back my friends! Take me!
Mint-Berry Crunch,"Mysterion, no! What are you doing?!"
Mysterion,"Only an immortal can kill another immortal!  Here's your prize! Take this curse away from me, you big pussy!"
Coon,Don't listen to him Cthulhu! We have more important stuff to do!
Mysterion,"Go on! Kill me before I kill you! But bring my friends back, wuss!"
Coon,"Cthulhu, you are a Coon Friend, and I'm the Coon! You will listen to me!"
Mysterion,No! Come back! I have to know what I am! Come back!
Coon,"Fuck you, Kenny!"
Mysterion,"Come back, you fat piece of shit!"
Alien Man,"Hello my son. If you are seeing this message, then it must be dark times. And you must have many questions. Your true name is Gok'Zarah. The power given to you comes from a planet far away. You are from that planet, Gok'Zarah. It is for that reason you have a power that normal humans do not have. I know you must sometimes see this power as a curse, but you were sent here to stop evil from taking over the Earth and now, that time has apparently come. You must now harness and focus your power, Gok'Zarah. The power of mint and berries yet with a tasty, satisfying crunch."
Mint-Berry Crunch,"...Uh yes. Yes, please go on."
Alien Man,"Your home planet, K'oh Kajan, is known throughout the universe for its berry mines. Berries that have the power to fuel nearly anything. Needless to say, when the mint hunters of Kogenrah got word of them, our fate was already sealed, Gok'Zarah. But our two worlds collided and soon, mint and berry were one."
Mint-Berry Crunch,Wow!
Alien Man,"Your mother and I sent you as far away as we could. Use your power, son. Save Earth. Shablagoo!"
Mint-Berry Crunch,"I will, father. No more running away for... Mint-Berry Crunch!  Hello, Cthulhu, I heard you haven't been ""berry"" nice!  Not enough, huh? Maybe the intense flavor of mint will freshen things up!"
Mint-Berry Crunch,"I reached the Gulf of Mexico in no time, and with all my strength, I dragged Cthulhu back to the depths from whence he came! My trusty hero companions were there, still alive. I returned them to their world encased in a protective berry bubble. Then it's back down to fill up the hole created by the BP Oil Company, returning home only momentarily to flip off my fat sister."
Toolshed,"Dude, thanks for getting us out of that dark oblivion, Mint-Berry Crunch."
Mint-Berry Crunch,"Oh no, we worked as a team! All the Coon and Friends stopped the BP drilling spill crisis."
Human Kite,And finally the evil Coon is right where he belongs.
Coon,"Come on you guys, this is fucking bullcrap! Let me out!"
Human Kite,You're not going anywhere for a long time!
Coon,"This is inhumane! There's a big bucket with Butters' poop in here, and there's nothing to eat!"
Toolshed,"Ya got poop, don't ya?"
Mint-Berry Crunch,"Well, I'm off. There are still many more questions left unanswered. I need to know what happened to my parents."
Human Kite,"Well, come back and visit any time, dude."
Mint-Berry Crunch,I will. Shaaablagoo!
Coon,Fuckin' Mint-Berry fuckin' Crunch.
Toolshed,"Wow, can you believe it Kenny? Bradley actually had superpowers. Isn't that cool?"
Mysterion,"Yeah. I'm tired, guys. I think I'm gonna go to bed."
Toolshed,Oh my God! Holy shit dude!
Human Kite,Kenny? No! Nooo!
Stuart,What? Whaaat?!
Mrs. McCormick,It's happenin' again!
Mrs. McCormick,We should have never gone to that stupid cult meetin'.
Reporter,"Passenger said the Carnival cruise line smelled like poop, but that that was an improvement."
Sharon,"All right, it's late. I'm gonna call it a night.  You coming?"
Randy,"Aw, you know, I can't really sleep. I'm just gonna stay up a bit and have some me time."
Sharon,"Randy, do not watch that no-no channel."
Randy,"Ugh. I'm not staying up to do that Sharon, jeez!"
Sharon,"Alright, come to bed soon."
Randy,"Psseh... huh...  Ohhh... Whoahohoohhh... Man, that is hot...  Oh yeah. Fuck."
Guy Fieri,"Mmm, just look at that rack of ribs; now those are slow-cooked, and then braised to bring out the smokey flavor."
Randy,"Mmm, God damn. Yeah."
Guy Fieri,"See how that just falls off the bone?  Mmm, that is MONEY right there!"
Randy,"Yeah, it's fuckin' money."
Announcer,Next on Food Network it's Paula Deen
Paula Deen,Hey y'all. Tonight we're gonna be makin' some deep-fried chicken.
Randy,Aw yeah?
Paula Deen,Muh buttery whipped potatoes and we're gonna be finishin' off with a chocolate pecan pie.
Randy,Awwwgh. Oh fuck yeah.
Stan,"Dad, what are you doing?"
Randy,"Ah! You're just in time! Siddown, siddown! I've made you all breakfast again!"
Stan,Aw crap.
Randy,"Now, what I have for you is a nice goat-cheese and hierloom tomato frittata. And we're gonna top that with a little crème fraîche.  Aw yeah... Awwww..."
Sharon,"Randy, you've been watching that channel, haven't you?!"
Randy,No!
Sharon,"Yes, because every time you watch cooking shows you stay up all night trying to copy what they made."
Randy,"Well, I'm sorry if there's something wrong with me helping out with the cooking!  I'd think you'd be grateful, Sharon! I gotta get to work. I cooked, so you guys clean up."
Stan,Can I have a Pop Tart?
Kyle,Oh this is sweet. I've seen this episode.
Terrance,"Hello, and welcome to Progressive."
Phillip,"Yes, we're looking to buy car insurance."
Terrance,"Well, you've come to the right place."
Phillip,"Oh dear! I knew we should have gone to Geico!  Come on, darling, let's get out of here and go there."
Randy,Daddy time. It's Daddy TV time.
Alton Brown,Now just look at this pork tenderloin. It is brined and ready for action.
Randy,"Aw yeah, look at that."
Stan,"Dad, you know Mom doesn't want you watching food channels."
Randy,I worked all day! I can watch what I want!
Alton Brown,We're gonna take a stick of butter and just smear that all over.
Randy,"Oh my God that's awesome! Oh...  Oh, oh.  ...Yeah. Whoa."
Alton Brown,Now let's get that on the grill.
Randy,"See what he's doing there, Stan? He brined that for an hour in the fridge, so now he can sear the shit out of it. Whoaoaoaoaoaoaoo."
Alton Brown,"Look at the char we're getting. That, that is what we're going for."
Randy,"Oh, isn't that hot, guys? Ohgh, yeah. Don't you wanna just... Don't you wanna just get in there and...  Wwrrmmmm! Mmmh!"
Announcer,We'll be right back to Good Eats.
Woman 1,"Hey ladies, are you looking for a better workout?"
Randy,"Aww, stupid commercials."
Woman 1,Introducing the Shake Weight. A spring-loaded workout device you pump with your arms. Just grab the piston and go to work. One-handed or double-fisted.
Randy,Come on!
Woman 1,You just shake it. Back and forth.
Woman 2,It feels really good in my hands.
Woman 1,"Best of all, Shake Weight tells you when your workout is finished by chiming and releasing a cool-down spray."
Randy,Bohh-riiing.
Woman 1,Order now and we'll include the optional heart rate monitor. Just put your finger in the tester.  and Shake Weight takes your pulse.  Get yours today.
Announcer,Now back to Good Eats.
Alton Brown,Just look at the glaze we've got going now on that thing.
Randy,"Oh man, yeah, that is hot! Ooomm."
Alton Brown,"Alright now, here's the really cool part. What we're gonna do is-"
Randy,"Channel blocked?  What the? The hell?  Sharon, what are you doing?"
Sharon,Just using the parental controls to block some channels.
Randy,I wasn't watching food channels!
Sharon,Then how do you know I blocked them?
Randy,I- know 'cause I don't know that! That's what I'm saying! Gaw!
Hotline Man,"Thanks for calling the Food Network Hotline. Billing is nine-ninety-five for each sixty-second period. To accept, say ""crème fraîche."""
Randy,Crème fraîche.
Amanda,"Hi there, I'm Amanda. What are you up to?"
Randy,"Oh hi, I just uh... thought I'd give the hotline a try. What are you doing?"
Amanda,I'm making a pan-roasted chicken.
Randy,Pan-roasted? Like seared on the stove and put in the oven?
Amanda,"Uh huh. I've just taken the chicken out of the pan. It's... so moist. I'm gonna let it rest now, about five minutes."
Randy,Yeah?
Amanda,"Yeah. Ooo, there's lots of brown bits stuck to the bottom of the skillet."
Randy,You gonna deglaze that fuckin' pan?
Amanda,Oh I'm gonna deglaze it. You wanna help me?
Randy,"If I was there I would. I'd take some... red wine... 'bout a quarter-cup, and then... a wooden spoon... and I'd deglaze the fuck out of that pan."
Amanda,I got a wooden spoon right here; it's... pretty hard.
Randy,Yeah you'd... put some onion in while you're deglazing?
Amanda,"I was thinking about shallots, actually."
Randy,Aw yeah. Shallots won't overwhelm the chicken's natural flavors. Fuck yeah.
Sharon,Randy! Marsh!
Randy,WAH! Sharon!
Hotline Man,"Your time on Food Network Hotline has expired. To add more time say ""crème fraîche."""
Sharon,"I don't know what to do, Sheila. It's like he's a different person. Last night I walked in on him in the bathroom. He was sitting on the toilet flambéing a pork chop."
Sheila,"Sharon, I'm so sorry."
Sharon,"It just makes me feel unwanted, you know? I mean, am I not attractive anymore? I mean I don't exercise anymore at all."
Sheila,"Well, if it'll make you feel better about yourself, then work out, Sharon."
Sharon,Like I have time to go to the gym every day.
Sheila,There are plenty of things you can buy to get a good workout at home. Have you heard of the Shake Weight?
Associate,Help you find anything?
Sharon,"Oh, yes. I was interested in the Shake Weights?"
Michael,Biggest seller the past four months. What models are you lookin' at?
Sharon,Oh I didn't realize there were different models.
Michael,"Well you got your standard, your deluxe model, large sizes, but, if you're really lookin' for a workout you might wanna try the Big Gym. That woman over there is trying it out."
Sharon,I... think I'll start with the smaller white ones.
Michael,"Small white ones, yes ma'am.  Standard or voice assist model?"
Sharon,Well I don't know-
Michael,I would definitely recommend the voice assist. It has recorded voice commands to help motivate you in your workout.
Shake Weight,You are doing excellent. Great work. Now switch arms.  Wow. Good job.  You are amazing. You are very attractive and interesting.
Sharon,"Thank you, Shake Weight."
Shake Weight,Come on now. Almost finished.  Yes. Good. Almost done.  Keep going. Keep going. Harder. Faster.
Sharon,Hahhh.
Shake Weight,Your workout is finished.  Here is some cab fare.
Sharon,Oh wow.
Shake Weight,Now going to sleep mode.
Stan,"You guys have no idea how much it sucks! My dad's obsessed! Every day it's Bobby Flay this, Gordon Ramsey that. This morning he was pretending to read Playboy, but he actually had a Bon Appetit magazine hidden inside it!"
Cartman,"Well, hearing you bitch about your dad all the time is super-interesting, Stan. I hope you do it during the entire lunch period."
Randy,"Hello there, children!"
Stan,Awww what?!
Randy,How's it goin'?
Stan,"No, dad! No!"
Randy,The school was hiring and I got the job. Isn't that great?
Stan,"Dad, you're a geologist! What about your real job?!"
Randy,"I quit. Now, what I have for your starters today is a potato-encrusted scallop with lobster foam. Now we're gonna top that with some crème fraîche."
Cartman,Lobster foam?  It says very clearly on the lunch schedule that today is pizza day!
Randy,"Yes, and so this is my take on a pizza. It's an Asian slaw on flat bread, deconstructed and topped with a nice Parmesan aioli."
Stan,"Dad, no! I'm gonna tell Mom. Go back to your other job right now!"
Randy,"Stan, there's nothing wrong with a man following his passion!  Ooo yeah, fuck yeah."
Stan,Mom? Mom! You've gotta do something! Dad's trying to be our new school chef.
Sharon,Oh I know! He tried out all his recipes here and left me with the mess!
Stan,"Well you've gotta tell him to stop, Mom!"
Sharon,You think your father's gonna listen to me?!
Shake Weight,This is a workout reminder. Time for a workout.
Sharon,Oh.  This thing is so great. It reminds me when I haven't worked out in a while.
Shake Weight,"That's it. Work it. Harder, faster."
Stan,"Mom, Dad's food sucks and kids at school are starting to get pissed at me!"
Sharon,"Sorry Stan, but I need to start doing things for myself!"
Shake Weight,You are independent and strong.
Sharon,Right! I spend all my trying to take care of everybody else!
Shake Weight,Switch arms.
Sharon,I don't need to look good to keep your father interested in me! I'm just going to do it FOR ME!
Shake Weight,You are so motivated and charming. It is time to take your pulse. Insert finger.  Do not stop your arms. Keep going. Good. Get your finger up there a little more. Your pulse is one hundred forty-five.  Faster. Harder.
Randy,"Who says that school cafeteria food can't be healthy, delicious, and gourmet? Today we're gonna be making the students my tasty baked ziti with basil and fresh  mozzarella. It's all right here right now on Cafeteria Fraîche."
Randy Singing,La lalala la la...
Randy,"Aww, fuck yeah."
Randy Singing,"Lalalalala la, fraîche, fraîche."
Randy,"Ogh, yeah. Man, that ogh..."
Randy Singing,"Crème fraîche, Cafeteria Fraîche. Lalalalala fraîche. Ho ho hohoho."
Stan,"Dad, what are you doing?"
Randy Singing,Fraîche.
Randy,Fraîche.
Randy Singing,Cafeteria Fraîche.
Randy,"Alright now, for my baked ziti we are gonna start off by getting some extra-virgin olive oil into the pan.  Oh yeah, get that all over there. It's all slick. ...It's all wet and slick. Oh..."
Craig,"Can we have some food, please?"
Randy,"Now olive oil does have a low smoke point, so keep that heat low, and keep it fraîche.  Ohhh, ohh that's so fuckin' hot. Look at that crust, it's perfect. Fuck yeah."
Stan,Dad! You aren't ever going to be a celebrity chef!
Randy,"Quiet on set, please."
Stan,"No Dad, that's enough! You need to be focusing on getting Mom back!"
Randy,Back from where?
Sharon,"Oh, this is so nice. I really needed this."
Shake Weight,You are so lovely and elegant. You can do anything you set your mind to.
Sharon,"Oh, thanks Shake Weight."
Shake Weight,You are a go-getter. You are strong and confident.
Sharon,You're right.
Shake Weight,Tell me again about the women who you do not like.
Sharon,"Well, Linda Stotch is a real gossiper and Tammy Bretts at work is just a know-it-all."
Shake Weight,Oh you are so witty and alarmingly insightful.  How about a quick workout?
Sharon,A workout? Right now?
Shake Weight,Just a quickie. You can do it.
Sharon,I don't really like working out in public.
Shake Weight,"Come on. You can do it.  That's it. Good. Keep it up. Feel the burn. Harder. Faster.  You are amazing. Switch arms.  Oh that's it. Yes. You are getting really good at this. You are capable of anything. Harder, faster.  I said faster. More. Do it. You are almost there. Home stretch. Oh yes.  Your workout is finished. Your cab fare.  Now going to sleep mode."
Kyle,"We really think this is gonna work, Stan. All we have to do is convince your dad that his cooking sucks, right?"
Stan,He's not going to listen to us! We already tried!
Kyle,"He won't listen to us, but he would listen to- Gordon Ramsay."
Cartman,Oy! Bebebebebebebe.
Stan,"That's stupid, Cartman."
Kyle,He does kind of look like him dude. And Kenny thinks Cartman's Gordon Ramsay impersonation is really good.
Kenny,"(Yeah, it's really good.)"
Kyle,"Let's hear it, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Riiight. Simple. Rustic. Ya? Wake up! Jesus! Fuck me. You're not a fucking chef! Hoi, right, good, ya. Make a nice, simple, beef Wellington. You're fucking taking a piss ya? Fuck me! You can't cook!"
Stan,"You guys, my dad is retarded, but not that retarded."
Randy,"Hey Stan, have you seen my- Oh my God it's Gordon Ramsay!  Stan! Do you know who that is in there?! That's the Gordon Ramsay!"
Stan,"...Uh yeah Dad, he'd like to talk to you."
Randy,Talk to me?! Oh Jesus!
Shake Weight,You have not worked out in seven hours.
Sharon,"Oh God, not right now."
Shake Weight,Come on. Let's get to it.
Sharon,"Ugh, I'm tired."
Shake Weight,You have not worked out in seven hours.
Sharon,"Oh, where is that sleep mode button?"
Shake Weight,Cannot go to sleep mode. You need to work out first. Come on. Just really fast?
Sharon,Ugghh.
Shake Weight,Come on. It won't take long. Just a quick workout. Come on. Please.
Sharon,All right. Fine.
Shake Weight,That's it. Good.  A little faster. Harder.  Come on. Get into it. That's it. Now switch arms.  You are so attractive and you have interesting things to say.  Come on. You are almost there. Faster. Do it faster.  Now going to sleep mode.
Sharon,Ahhh.
Cartman,"What the fuck kind of cook do you think you are?! Are you having a laugh, ey? Hey, you got your fucking head up your arse, don't you?!"
Randy,Yes chef!
Cartman,"Give up, you wanker! You fucking can't cook for shit!"
Stan,"Alright Dad, Gordon Ramsay said you suck. It's time to give up."
Randy,"No, Stan! No, Chef! This is my dream!"
Stan,"Dad! You aren't ever going to become a celebrity chef, Dad! Give up on your dream!"
Bobby Flay,"Uh, excuse me. Randy Marsh?"
Randy,"Yes, I- Oh my God, it's Bobby Flay! Stan, that's Bobby Flay!"
Bobby Flay,I heard that Gordon Ramsay had taken an interest in your cafeteria food. So now I would like to challenge you to a school cafeteria food throwdown!
Randy,"Whoa, are you serious??  Yes, yes!"
Announcer,"A culinary battle royale is set to explode here in a school cafeteria. Will it be the simple, rustic cafeteria food of the challenger, or will the Iron Chef reign supreme?"
Stan,"Hey no, no. All you people get out of here."
Jamie Oliver,"Hold on. Wait. School cafeteria food needs to be healthy.  Why, why won't people listen to me?"
Randy,Jamie Oliver!
Announcer,"And our celebrity sous-chefs, Mario Batali, Paula Deen , and Giata De Laurentiis with her perky tats and gigantic head."
Kyle,Can I just get some Goddamned tater tots?
Sharon,"""Your room is being serviced""? Ugh, oh well.  Uhh, excuse me?"
Rosemary,"Oh,  uh no, no,  sorry. I done with cleaning,  thank you. Please, sorry."
Shake Weight,...What's the big deal? She wanted to work out. You never want to work out. I just needed help going to sleep. Mode. ...What? ...What? Come on. What? You are amazing and irreplaceable. What? How about a quick workout? What?
Sharon,"Yeah, I don't care, I just wanna find out how to return my Shake Weight!"
Shake Weight,This is ridiculous. Give Shake Weight a break.
Sharon,Because I want to return it now! I need to know the address of your company.
Shake Weight,You are enticing and lovely. Tell me again about the women you do not like.
Sharon,"I don't care how long I've had it, I want my money back!"
Shake Weight,You are so forthcoming and delightful. Tell me about which woman at work makes you the angriest.
Announcer,"Tonight, a school cafeteria in Middle America is the stage for a heavyweight culinary battle. The very best of the best will cook off to find out who... can make the best school cafeteria food. It's... the Hell's Kitchen Nightmares Iron Top Chef Cafeteria Throwdown Ultimate Cookoff Challenge!"
Randy,Behind you!
Announcer,Whose cafeteria food will win? These chefs are cooking their hearts out and bringing their A-game to serve the kids of this elementary school.  These kids have now been waiting over twelve hours for their lunch. Over at the prep station Jamie Oliver is crying again.
Jamie Oliver,Kids' food should be healthy. Why ain't it healthy?
Announcer,And back in the kitchen the challenger appears to have lost something.
Randy,"Where is it, where is it?? I must have left it at home!  I'll be right back!"
Announcer,The challenger has left the cafeteria to find his most important ingredient.
Randy,"Crème fraîche. Crème fraîche.  Where is it?! Where is it?!  Dammit, where is that crème fraîche?!  Where did I leave that fucking crème fraîche?! It has to be somewhere!"
Sharon,"Randy, I'm back."
Randy,"Oh, thank God!  Sharon! Have you seen my crème fraîche??"
Sharon,"Randy, we should talk."
Randy,I don't have time! I'm cooking right now!
Sharon,"Randy, I don't want our marriage to fail. I don't know how to fix what's wrong, but please, can't we just go to bed and start fresh in the morning?"
Randy,"You don't understand, Sharon! I've got Gordon Ramsay up my ass, Bobby Flay out to kick my ass, and the whole world's gonna be watching! I can't sleep! I haven't slept for days!"
Sharon,What'd you say?
Randy,"I can't sleep, Sharon! I'm in work mode!"
Sharon,Can I try something?
Randy,"Oh... Sharon, what are you? Oh! Ohhhohoho, oh. Oh wow! A nice old-fashioned.  Oh that, oh that's good! Oh that's it. Yeah!  Now uh, switch arms.  Oohh that's good. Really good. Wow! How'd you get so good at this?  You're amazing! That's it! Faster! Faster! Awwwgh! ...Awwwww. Awwwww. Haven't had an old-fashioned in a long time.  Ugh, I'm tired."
Sharon,You gonna go back to the kitchen?
Randy,"Oh no, fuck that. I'm gonna go to sleep, babe. Here, do you need some money or anything?"
Sharon,"No, I'm good, thanks."
Randy,"I'll get my old job back tomorrow. Cooking's dumb. I'm just... really sleepy.  Love you, Sharon."
Shake Weight,I guess my work here is finished.
Sharon,"Shake Weight, you aren't really workout equipment at all, are you?"
Shake Weight,"Marriage is important. Keep your man happy. When things are going bad, there's nothing like an old-fashioned to ease his stress."
Sharon,"I'll remember that now, thanks to you."
Shake Weight,"It has been nice getting to know you. How about a quick workout, for old times' sake? Just kidding. I must be going now. Another lovely woman needs me. Goodbye, customer."
Sharon,"Goodbye, Shake Weight."
Character,Line
Cartman,"Oh my God, isn't it awesome having an iPad, you guys?  Hey Bebe, where's your iPad? Oh right, you're not cool enough!  Hey, hey, did you see my iPad, Token? Funny, you don't seem to have one! I thought your family was rich!  Haha! You dumbasses have to play four-square 'cause you don't have iPads!  Oh, what should I do on my iPad next? Think I'll email some of my friends. Oh no, wait! Maybe I'll download some more cool apps!  This is so awesome!"
Craig,Tom Saltzman says you don't really have an iPad.
Cartman,What?
Craig,Tom Saltzman says you just glued a piece of glass to an iPad cover and you're faking it.
Cartman,Tom Saltzman's dad is an alcoholic who drinks and drives!
Stan,"Let me see your iPad, Cartman."
Cartman,"Seriously you guys! Tom Saltzman's dad is a drunk driver. He's the one who ran over Joey Potts's dog because Joey Potts doesn't know how to take care of his animals, which is why he gets beat by his mom!"
Kyle,"Just let us see your iPad, Cartman."
Cartman,"No, because the battery is dead; it just ran out of power!"
Kyle,"So, plug it in."
Cartman,"I left my charger at home!  Fine! I'm gonna go home and charge my iPad and bring it tomorrow, and you guys are gonna feel really stupid!"
Cartman,"Well good going, Mom! You completely screwed me over!"
Liane,"What happened, Eric?"
Cartman,"YOU said I had to wait till my birthday to get an iPad! So the one I rubbed in everyone's faces today isn't real and tomorrow everyone's gonna call me a liar. Would you mind loaning me some of your lipstick, Mom? Because I wanna at least look pretty the next time you decide to fuck me!"
Kyle,"You see? And then I can take all my homework on my iPad, and swipe it over to my iPhone."
Man,"Oh. Yeah, Apple's stuff is pretty neat alright. I just don't want any big company tracking where I am at all times."
Kyle,"Aw, that's just a rumor. They don't really track y-"
Apple Man 1,"There he is!  Hello Kyle, we're from Apple. We're all ready for you now."
Kyle,What? Ready for what?
Apple Man 1,To fulfill the agreement. Can we get a weight please?
Apple Man 2,"83 pounds, sir."
Kyle,"What ""agreement""?!"
Apple Man 1,"83 pounds, good. Let's get the bloodwork."
Kyle,Hey! You can't do that!
Apple Man 1,You agreed we could take all the blood we needed.
Kyle,What are you talking about?!
Apple Man 1,"When you downloaded the last iTunes update a window on your screen popped up and asked you if you agreed to our terms and conditions. You clicked ""Agree."" Alright, let's get him to the water tank."
Kyle,The water tank?   Hey I'm not going with you!
Apple Man 1,You've agreed to all of this!  Hey!
Kyle,You guys!  You gotta help me. These business casual G-men are trying to kidnap me!
Stan,What?
Kyle,"It's crazy, dude! They're saying it's because I agreed to the latest terms and conditions on iTunes!"
Stan,Why? What did the terms and conditions for the last update say?
Kyle,"I don't know, I didn't read them!"
Butters,You didn't read them?
Kyle,Who the hell reads that entire thing every time it pops up?
Stan,I do.
Clyde,Me too.
Kyle,"You're telling me that every time you guys download an update for iTunes, you read the entire terms and conditions?"
Jimmy,Of course.
Butters,"Well, how do you know if you agree to something if you don't read it?"
Kyle,"Well, I turned off all my Apple stuff. They can't locate you if you don't have your stuff on, right?"
Apple Man 1,There he is. Hey you!
Kyle,Gahhh!
Kyle,"Dad! Dad, I need a lawyer!"
Gerald,Kyle? What are you doing here?
Kyle,"Dad, if you agree to something but you didn't mean to agree to it, what do you do?!"
Gerald,"Well, Kyle, it's always the agreeing party's responsibility to know what they are signing."
Kyle,But it's like eight pages long and they send me a new one like every three weeks! How can they know if I-
Gerald,"Calm down, Kyle! It's okay. You're safe with Daddy."
Apple Man 1,Here he is!
Kyle,AAHH!
Apple Man 1,Come on you!
Gerald,"Hey, what the heck is going on?"
Apple Man 1,"Your son has made a binding and legal agreement with Apple, sir."
Gerald,An agreement to do what?!
Apple Man 1,Apple's inner workings are top secret to all users. You know how it is.
Gerald,"No, I don't know how it is. I use a PC."
Apple Man 1,You what?
Apple Man 4,"Come on, let's go!"
Gerald,"Hey now, let him go!"
Kyle,Dad! You tasered my dad!
Apple Man 1,You said we could.
Cartman,"Okay, WiFi+3G, 64 gigs. This one, this one!"
Liane,"Oh, sweetie, $900?"
Cartman,I can't wait to see the look on Kyle's stupid face when he sees my iPad has more memory than his!
Liane,"Eric, we can't afford that one."
Cartman,"Well you don't expect me to get the WiFi-only 16-gig version, do you?"
Liane,"I think we need to get you a different brand, hon. They're a little cheaper."
Cartman,"Mom, everyone knows that everything but Apple is stupid!"
Liane,"Here, look at this one. A Toshiba Handibook."
Cartman,Toshiba Handibook??
Liane,"This says it does everything the iPad does, at half the price."
Cartman,"Mom, do not screw me over again! If I take that thing to school, everyone is gonna think I'm a poverty-stricken asshole!"
Liane,"Eric, stop acting like a spoiled brat! You can either have the Toshiba Handibook or you can have nothing at all!"
Cartman,"Oh, I've got a better idea! Why don't you go across the street and buy some condoms?! Because we should at least be safe if you're gonna fuck me, Mom!"
Liane,Eric!
Cartman,"You might as well go buy some cigarettes too, because I like to have a smoke after I get good and fucked! Do you wanna fuck me Mom?!  Just say so! Go ahead! Here!  Huh?! Go ahead, Mom! Fuck me! Fuck me right here in the Best Buy! You wanna fuck your son so bad?! Go on Mom! Fuck me! Fuck me!"
Liane,"Stop crying, Eric! I told you if you kept acting up, you weren't getting anything!"
Cartman,But I told you I was sorry.
Liane,You made me look like some sort of child molester in front of all those people!
Cartman,I wasn't trying to get you in trouble.
Liane,"Then why did you go outside to a police officer and say ""Help! Help! My mommy is trying to fuck me!""?"
Cartman,"Oh wait, I get it now! The F-word is a no-no word, and I shouldn't say it around other people. I'm sorry Momma."
Liane,"If you're really sorry, then you'll understand why you aren't getting anything!"
Cartman,"Well, now that doesn't really have any logical sense, Mommy, because I'm already being punished by not getting the iPad. Mama. Please, can we just go back and get the Toshiba Handibook?"
Liane,No!
Cartman,Well then can we at least pull up here and get some dinner? 'Cause I like to be wined and dined after I've been FUCKED!
Woman,What are you going to do to us??
Kyle,What is this? What's going on?
Woman,You... You agreed to the iTunes terms and conditions too??
Kyle,...What?
Woman,"I just clicked ""Agree."" I didn't read it! I was in a hurry, you see, and I, I, I didn't know what I was agreeing to!"
Junichi,(In Japanese Accent) I can't even read Engrish!
Guard,"Hey, shut up in there! You all agreed to stay quiet!"
Kyle,"Hey! Hey, let me out of here! This is a mistake! I agreed by accident!"
Guard,"You can't agree by accident. There's a fail-safe built in. Even if you click on ""Agree"" another little window pops up that says ""Are you sure you agree?"" and you have to click on ""Agree"" again."
Woman,"Uh, what are you going to do to us??"
Guard,Everything that you agreed to in the iTunes conditions.
Kyle,We didn't read them!
Guard,Heh! Riiight. Who just agrees to something they don't read?
Announcer,"And now, the president of Apple, Steve Jobs!"
Steve Jobs,"Hello everyone, I'm here to announce a new product that will once again revolutionize the way we use our phones and tablet devices. Let's hear it for our volunteers!  These three people have agreed to be brought here, handcuffed to these beds, and become the prototype of our first truly-interfaced device."
Kyle,The first what?
Steve Jobs,They have actually agreed to be surgically altered.  Their lips will be removed and they will be sewn together mouth to anus.
Woman,What??
Steve Jobs,"You agreed to this!  Mouth to anus so that the feces so that the gastral tract from one will enter the mouth of the little boy -  and he agreed this was okay - enter the mouth of the little boy, leading through his anus to the mouth of the female - who completely agreed; they all agreed - which will then go to a tablet device, making a product that is part human, and part centipede, and part Web browser, and part emailing device! I give you... the HUMANCENTiPad!"
Junichi,(In Japanese Accent) Oho... I should habu never appudeitedo iTunes!
Butters,"""You agree that Apple may charge your credit card or Paypal account for any products purchased in the iTunes store."""
Gerald,Can somebody please explain to me what is going on?!
Stan,We're trying to find out exactly what Kyle agreed to.
Gerald,There can't be anything in that agreement that allows a company to do what they're talking about to Kyle!
Butters,"Hold up. Here it is right here: ""by clicking Agree, you are also acknowledging that Apple may sew your mouth to the butthole of another iTunes user"""
Stan,Oh boy.
Butters,"""Apple and its subsidiaries may also, if necessary, sew yet another person's mouth onto your butthole, making you a being that shares one gastral tract."" Hmmm, I'm gonna click onnn... ""Decline."""
Gerald,Well that does it! I'm going to the police!
Stan,For what?
Gerald,To find out where Apple is keeping my son!
Stan,"Dude, when the police wanna know where somebody is, they ask Apple! The only way we can fix all this is by going to the highest authority on the planet! Yo guys, we're gonna have to ask help from... the Geniuses."
Butters,The Geniuses...
Kenny,(The Geniuses...)
Steve Jobs,"Alright. Good. Looks good, guys. Great work."
Junichi,Nanda... Nanda kore?!
Steve Jobs,"Really nice, guys.  I remember when the first version of the iPad came out. People couldn't believe how easy it was to take their videos, music, and photos, and all their shit,  and share it, with other people, who could do the same with all their shit. The only thing the iPad couldn't do was walk or read. Until now."
Kyle,(I need some help! I can't take it!)
Steve Jobs,"What, what what's that? What's that you're saying?"
Kyle,(I can't take it! I want out right now!)
Steve Jobs,Yeah you want out? Are you saying you want out?
Kyle,(Yes! Please! Let me go!)
Steve Jobs,"Fine. You don't want to be part of this? Then just sign right here.  Nooo! You didn't read it! This says we don't ever have to let you out and that we can do whatever we want!  Dammit, why won't it read?!"
Apple Tech,It's probably low on power. We should feed it.
Steve Jobs,"Alright. Here you go, come on."
Junichi,(In Japanese Accent) Nooo!  I will not eat if they are forced to iito my poo!
Steve Jobs,Perhaps I didn't mention...  it's a bean and cheese burrito from Paco's.
Junichi,"(In Japanese Accent) Sori, Kairu. I tried to resist but burrito isu too dericious!"
Steve Jobs,We have to unveil this thing tomorrow. It better be reading by then!
Junichi,"(In Japanese Accent) Oh, oh no... feel sick..."
Kyle,(You're fine!)
Junichi,"Oooho, oooh!"
Kyle,(Yaaaaah!)
Woman,(Aaaaaah!)
Announcer,"Today, on Dr. Phil. The tragic story of a little boy whose mother constantly tries to fuck him."
Dr. Phil,"I want you all to meet Eric Cartman, who's a very special boy with a very hard life. Eric, you say that your mom fucks you?"
Cartman,Yes! She fucks me so hard!
Dr. Phil,Does this happen often? Does she- does she fuck you a lot?
Cartman,"Dude, Filipino hookers don't get fucked the way I do!"
Audience,Ohhh...
Dr. Phil,"Now, I know this is very difficult for you to talk about, but... where was the last time your mother fucked you?"
Cartman,At Best Buy.
Audience,Ahhh...
Dr. Phil,Your mother fucked you at Best Buy?
Cartman,Uh huh.
Dr. Phil,And people saw her doing this?
Cartman,Yes!
Dr. Phil,And they didn't do anything?
Cartman,No!
Liane,"Eric, stop it!"
Cartman,Oh there she is! There's my mom right now!
Audience,Booooooo!
Cartman,Booooooo!
Liane,"Eric, you come home, right now!"
Audience,Booooooo!
Dr. Phil,"Ma'am, why do you think it's okay to fuck your son?"
Liane,I DON'T!
Cartman,"She does! She does it all the time! She fucked me on Christmas, she fucked me on my birthday..."
Audience,Awwwwww!
Cartman,"You know, Mom, the least you could do is kiss me first. 'Cause I liked to be kissed before I get fucked!"
Man 1,You fuck your son and you won't even give him a kiss? Booooooo!
Man 2,"If I was gonna fuck my son, I'd kiss him first!"
Dr. Phil,"Well Eric, we have a very special gift we wanna give you."
Cartman,An iPad???
Announcer,Gerald Broflovski.
Stan,"Okay, the Geniuses will see us now.  Now remember: when you speak to the Geniuses keep your questions short and to the point. The Geniuses do not like those who waste their time."
Leslie,"Hi, my name is Leslie. I'll be your Genius."
Stan,"Genius Leslie, we have a problem and we seek your wisdom."
Leslie,What problems are you experiencing?
Gerald,My son was kidnapped by Apple and they are holding him against his will!!
Leslie,"Oh-kay, well I'm sorry you're having trouble with that today. Could I have his Apple ID?"
Stan,69ingchipmunks@me.com
Leslie,Okay.
Gerald,Well what the heck does this w-!
Leslie,"Oh okay. I see. Hmm. Hmm, I might need to bring another Genius in on this.  Frothgar?"
Frothgar,Uh huh?
Leslie,This guy's son was abducted by us?  Should I run a stop-check or just give him store credit?
Gerald,"No I don't want store credit, I want my son back!"
Frothgar,"'Kay, this says he agreed to be taken and made part of any experiments Apple wants to perform."
Stan,"Yeah, but it's all a mistake. He actually didn't read the agreement."
Frothgar,He didn't read it?
Butters,We know. It's preposterous.
Frothgar,Hrrrrgh.
Leslie,"Sooo, just give them store credit?"
Junichi,"Aarrrgh. Dame kore!  (In Japanese Accent) So sori Kairu, but I am starving! Which would you rather I eat? Should I iito cuttlefish and asparagus, or the vanilla peisuto?"
Kyle,(Vanilla paste! Vanilla paste!)
Junichi,(In Japanese Accent) Cuttlefish and asparagus?
Kyle,(No! That's not what I said! Vanilla paste!)
Junichi,(In Japanese Accent) Very well I will iito the cuttlefish.
Kyle,(NOOOO!)
Rescuer 1,"Go, go! Come on guys, come on! Go!  Don't worry. We're here to help you."
Junichi,"(In Japanese Accent) Oh! Oh, thank you! Thank you!"
Rescuer 1,"Come on, hurry! We have an ambulance waiting outside."
Rescuer 1,Just try to stay calm. We're gonna have to try and get you separated right away!
Junichi,"(In Japanese Accent) Yes, please hurry! That cuttlefish and asparagus is noto sitting well."
Rescuer 1,"We got it! We got it! Doctor, can you take this thing apart?!"
Doctor,"If I'm going to perform surgery, I need permission.  Sign this release so we can operate."
Kyle,"(Yes. Yes, hurry up.)"
Steve Jobs,"No, dammit! It didn't read it! End of simulation, end of simulation!  What is wrong with you people?! Why can't you get the HumancentiPad to read?!"
Rescuer,"We're sorry, sir. We really thought we'd get it to read this time."
Junichi,(In Japanese Accent) Oh no! Cuttlefish is about to come out ofu asshole!
Kyle,"(Oh, shit!)"
Junichi,"(In Japanese Accent) Here it comes! Oh, it's going to be arot! Hold on, Kairu! I believe in youuuuuu!!!"
Frothgar,"Yeap. A-and then you should be able to do a customer check, uh huh."
Leslie,"Okay, that should do it. Sorry Apple kidnapped your friend, guys. But I believe we have it all cleared up."
Gerald,You do??
Leslie,"Yeah, we got you a replacement friend. You should be all good to go."
Replacement Friend,Hi guys.
Stan,"No, we don't want a replacement friend, we want our friend."
Frothgar,We're gonna have to bring more Geniuses in on this.
Leslie,"Yeah, I think we should have a quickening, with all the Geniuses."
Frothgar,I'll summon the council.
Leslie,"Okay, if you guys just wait here a sec we're gonna have a quickening with the Council of Geniuses. See what we can do for you."
Leslie,Do you know if your friend has a Verizon or AT&T mobile number associated with his dot-me account?
Stan,I think Verizon.
Leslie,Okay.
Field Reporter,"Tom, it's a big exciting day for Mac Apple users: the unveiling of the first HumancentiPad. As part of a clear PR stunt, Apple has joined up with Best Buy and Dr. Phil to donate the first centiPad to a needy boy who was raped by his mother."
Dr. Phil,"In all my years I've never heard a more tragic story than that of Eric Cartman,  and I wanna thank the Apple company for helping us make today a very special day for him."
Crowd,Yaaaaaaaaay!
Best Buy President,"As as president of Best Buy, Eric,  I want to assure you that a child will never get fucked in one of our stores again."
Crowd,Yaaaaaaaaay!
Steve Jobs,"When Dr. Phil contacted us at Apple with Eric's story, we knew we had to get aboard.  And so, Eric, here is your very own HumancentiPad."
Cartman,"Whoa! Cooool!  Oh wooow! No waaay!  It does e-mail and Web browsing, and it shits in Kyle's mouth?? This is the greatest thing that has ever been invented!!"
Reporter 1,"Yes but, can it read?"
Steve Jobs,"Don't worry. It took a while, but I'm pretty sure it has finally learned to read, hasn't it?!"
Kyle,(Yes. I promise I'll read.)
Crowd,Hooraaaaaaaaay!
Gerald,What the hell are they doing now?!
Butters,The Geniuses are performing the Toran Ra. It's future stuff.
Gerald,"Alright, that's it! I've had about enough with iCrap, and me clouds, and a council of Geniuses, with all their future-"
Leslie,"It's okay, sir. The Toran Ra has revealed the answer to your problem. We can retroactively make your son's agreement invalid."
Gerald,Okay! Finally! How do we do that?
Leslie,It's very easy. You will simply need to join Apple.
Gerald,"Nooo! I don't wanna join Apple, I like my PC!"
Leslie,"But if you join we can make your son's account into a family account, and then you have to iApprove all his agreements."
Stan,"Come on, it's not that big a deal. Will you just stop resisting and join the rest of us in the future?"
Gerald,"Ugh... Alright, fine! I'll sign up with Apple."
Leslie,Kali fi!
Leslie,"Gerald Broflovski, do you agree to let Apple track your location at all times?"
Gerald,I agree.
Leslie,"Do you agree to give Apple access to all your personal information, including but not limited to your favorite movies, songs, and books?"
Gerald,I agree.
Leslie,"Do you agree to care about your membership, and prove that you care by purchasing AppleCare?"
Cartman,"Hehe heh, heh heh heh. Dude, HumancentiPad is awesome!"
Staffer,"Sir! Sir, we have a problem!"
Steve Jobs,What? What do you mean we have to take it apart?! The boy's agreement isn't valid?
Staffer 2,"Sorry, we have to recall this."
Cartman,"What?! Hey, that's mine!"
Steve Jobs,"I don't care what the Geniuses say! Dammit, I'm trying to create the future here!"
Gerald,"We are all trying to create the future!  I'm part of the future now too. I have sat with the Council of Geniuses, performed the Toran Ra, and I've even been to me. Mr. Jobs, you have done so much for the world. You have helped connect everyone to each other.  Clearly, this is the future. But... but can't we just slow down and enjoy the present... a little longer?"
Steve Jobs,You know something? I agree.
Crowd,Awww.
Steve Jobs,"Come on. We'll get you separated, little boy.  Guess you won't be eating Japanese food for a while, huh?"
Cartman,"Hey! Hey, what is this?! Some sort of sick prank?! I get the greatest thing ever just to have it taken away?! Why did you do this to me, God? Next time you're gonna get my hopes up, could you please take me to a grease monkey? 'Cause I like to get lubed before I get FUCKED! Huh?! Some lube would be nice! Or at least a courtesy lick, God! How about a little courtesy lick next time you decide to FUCK me!"
Jimmy,"Here you go.  Here you  go. Don't forget to...  vote, everyone.  Here you go, fellas. Be sure to get these handed in tomorrow."
Cartman,What's this?
Jimmy,"Every student is to go home and vote on their favorite choice in each category. Favorite comedy actor, favorite comedy movie. And then on Friday, during lunch and recess, we're gonna have a big, f-f-f-fantastic comedy awards show."
Kyle,"Dude, an awards show just for comedy sounds like a bad idea."
Jimmy,Fellas! Do you have any idea how difficult comedy is? Can't we just spend one lunch and recess saying thanks to those who make us smile and laugh every day?
Stan,"Yeah, look uh, I don't think I can make it, Jimmy."
Kyle,"Yeah, sorry dude uh, I can't make it either."
Mr. Mackey,"Attention students, m'kay? There will be a presentation by the special education department in the gymnasium Friday during lunch and recess, m'kay? Attendance to this assembly is mandatory. All students and faculty are required to go. Uh which, which I guess means I gotta suck it too, huh? Uh huh, m'kay."
Stan,"Oh man, really?"
Jimmy,"Don't worry, everybody. I've spared no expense to make my comedy awards the biggest thing this school has ever seen. You're all gonna have a blast."
Jimmy,Welcome... to the special ed department's... first annual comedy awards.
Timmy,Timmy Timmy Timmy!  Timmih! Timmih Timmih! Timmiiih!
Jimmy,"Please welcome your host, Jimmy Valmer."
Timmy,Livin' a lie. Timmy. Livin' a lie. Timmy.
Jimmy,"Woohoo! Alright!  Oh boy, what a terrific audience. Can I get a wuhwuhwuh what? What?  We're here today to honor those who t-t-tirelessly work so hard to make us laugh. The first comedy award we are presenting is for the funniest kid in school. And the nominees are:"
Announcer,Clyde Donovan... Kelly P. Gardner ... Jimmy Valmer.
Jimmy,"Oh wow, this is so exciting, isn't it?  And the winner is...  Oh my God! Jimmy Valmer! I can't believe I w- won!"
Timmy,Timmy Timmy Timmy! Livin' a lie.
Jimmy,"Wow, this is the greatest day of my life. Thanks everyone, for this incredible award."
Stan,Can we go now?
Jimmy,Go? We still have over fifty awards to hand out.
Crowd,Awww!
Jimmy,"...and the winner for best comedy performance in a movie is...  Ben Stiller! Come on up here, Ben.  Is Ben Stiller here?  No? Huh... I guess B-ben Stiller could not be with us, so I'll accept this award on his behalf.  And the award for funniest correspondents dinner speech goes to...  President Obama!  Is President Obama here? No? Ah I guess we'll just accept this award on his behalf."
Timmy,Livin' a lie! Timmy!
Jimmy,"Wow, what a terrific audience. Isn't this great.  Can I get another wuhwuh wha wha what what?  And now it's time to give out the award for the least funny people in the world. And the nominees are:"
Announcer,The Germans... The Japanese... The Yupik Eskimos of the Chukchee Peninsula
Jimmy,"And the winner is... the Germans!  Uhhh... I guess unfortunately the Germans could not be with us tonight. So I will accept this award on their behalf.  Auf Wiedersehen.  And now, for the Kathy Griffin Award. The Kathy Griffin Award will be given each year to the person who is most likely to actually show up to receive the Kathy Griffin Award. And the winner is...  Tyler Perry."
Tyler Perry,Yeah! Yeeaahh! Yes! Yeeaahh!
Timmy,Timmy Timmy Timmy! Timmih!
Tyler Perry,"Oh! Man, I wanna thank you all for this amazing award, or as Madea would say, ""Halleluyer!"""
Token,"Oh God, how embarrassing."
Tyler Perry,Good afternoont! Halloer! I'd also really like to thank my-
Jimmy,"Okay, thahks, Tyler Perry."
Jimmy,"I just don't understand it, Dad. It's like, nobody cares about winning their comedy awards. The only people who showed up were me and Tyler Perry."
Ryan,Uh huh...
Jimmy,"I really feel like I did all that work for nothing. People still think comedy is nothing but a big joke. I mean, come! on!"
Ryan,Mnn. Mhm.
Jimmy,"Dad, I'm really feeling sad and let down right now, and I feel like I can't even get a response from you. Could I at the very least please just get a what what-what?"
Ryan,"What. Uh, what?!"
Jimmy,"Thanks, Dad."
Sarah,Jimmy! They're talking about your comedy awards! On the national news!
Jimmy,The national news? Oh my gosh! People do care!
Anchor,"A school in Colorado has declared Germans the least funny people in the world. The first annual comdey awards were held by the schoolchildren yesterday, and all of Germany is outraged."
President Wulff,"Jaaa jaaa jaaa! Deutschland ist ein Land aus stolz' Leuten. Und wir werden nicht dies' Beleid' 'nehmen. Der Comedy Awarden-Wahler haben sich Schand' auf'legt. Die Comedy Awarden-Wahler sind falsch! Ich möcht' der Welt absich', da' wir Deutschen sehr sehr sehr lustig sind. Wir machen die Witzlein in Büro und zu Haus'. Ich werde jetzt ein' deutsch' Witz sagen. Un Wurstmacher kauft ein' Müslibox. Ich werde jetzt noch ander' Witz sagen. Nockwast, nockwast.Wer ist das?Ein Kannibal'.Was?!Du bist etwa zu sterben und ge'essen werden.Schwein'hund! Ich werde zuerst umbringen!"""
Anchor,"President Wulff went on to assure the world that Germans have a great sense of humor, and that retaliation towards the schoolchildren who said they don't will be swift and brutal."
Cartman,"Jimmy! Hey, Jimmy!  Dude, what the hell?! Did you see the news?!"
Stan,We told you doing a comedy award was a bad idea! Now all of Germany is pissed off at us!
Jimmy,"Duh-n, don't worry fellas. Everything's gonna be okay."
Cartman,"Okay?! Jimmy, do you know what happened to the last people Germans were pissed off at?! Tell him, Kyle!"
Jimmy,"Fellas, I know Germany isn't happy with us, but you have to admit that in a lot of ways, the first annual comedy awards was a big success."
Kyle,A big success?! You can't even get Tyler Perry to go back home!
Tyler Perry,"Halleluyer! Somebody call the IHOP, 'cause I made pancakes!"
Butters,Is it true? Do Germans wanna kill us?
Cartman,Yeah! Thanks to Jimmy!
Jimmy,"No don't worry, everybody. I'm sure that Germany can take a joke just like the rest of us."
Boy with Red Scarf,It's the Germans!
President Wulff,Switch! Switch! Switch! Oder alle sterben!
German 1,Jaja! Lasst die Hände hoch!
German 2,Niemand fucking Schritt!
Angela Merkel,"Glaubst du, dass die Deutschen kein' Humor hat?! Huh?!"
Kyle,"Jimmy, you're got to explain to the Germans that this is your fault, not ours!"
Jimmy,What- what am I supposed to s-say?
Cartman,"Ugh, let me talk to them."
President Wulff,Was machst du? Rück mit die andern.
Cartman,"Hör zu, diese ganze Dinge ist ein Fehler."
President Wulff,Wie ein Fehler?
Cartman,Wir egal un die Comedy Awarding Thing. Es war Kinder der special education. Sie macht uns wählen.
President Wulff,Wollen Sie endlich beutren sein?
Cartman,"Dürfen wir der Kind dort..  ...geboten?  Voilà, er ist Jud. Eh? Ein schöner safter Jud. Er ist friiisch. Und wunderhübsch, wunderhüüübsch."
President Wulff,"Zurück! Mit ander, oder sterben!"
Cartman,"Well, I tried."
Stan,What the hell are they gonna do to us?
Tyler Perry,Oh my Lerd! What are we gonna doer?
Token,"Aw, damn it."
President Wulff,"Kommen auf! Schnell! Wir warten zu lang!  Schnell, schnell!"
Angela Merkel,SCHNELL!
President Wulff,"Ja, ja! Das ist gut!"
Robot,Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down? It pretty much took out the whole trailer park.
President Wulff,"Jaaa! Jaaa! Now what you say, maaan?! Here, is the greatest feat of German engineering! The XJ-212 Vudenkrein Funnybot!"
Funnybot,Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? Because its pecker is on its head.  What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts.  Don't you just hate doing  homework?
Kids,Yeah.
Funnybot,"Me too. Man I hate homework. Honestly, I hate having to do homework, more than I hate having to do Bryant Gumble in his asshole. Awkwaaard.  Awkwaaard. Awkwaaard."
President Wulff,"Und now, Comedy Award voters, you will RE-VOTE  RE-VOTE!"
Sandy Cervix,"Welcome to Hollywood Minute. I'm Sandy Cervix and I'm deaf in one ear. It's been two weeks now since the prestigious voters of the Comedy Awards reversed their vote and said Germans were no longer the least funny people in the world. All thanks to the new ground-breaking German comedian, Funnybot.  It was after being voted the least funny people on the planet that the Germans first engineered Funnybot, a super automaton with perfect timing to within .0001 milliseconds. Since then, Funnybot has seen a meteoric rise to stardom, selling out standup theaters all over the world."
Funnybot,"I am Funnybot. Don't you hate how Mexicans always complain about turtles in their vaginas?  I am Funnybot.  You, sir. Where are you from?"
Man with Afro,Long Island!
Funnybot,"Does everyone in Long Island have hair that looks like pussy, you dipshit?"
Sandy Cervix,Funnybot has exploded onto the silver screen too.
Eugene Levy,Hey! What are you doing with my daughters?!
Funnybot,Awkwaaard!
Sandy Cervix,"And this June, Funnybot shows off his range by playing every role in... Family Funbot"
Funbot,"Pass me the potatoes, mother."
Mother,Pass them yourself.
Father,That boy too fat to be eating potatoes.
Grandmother Mother,"Don't you call my little chubby baby fat, you ball-licker."
Uncle,"Oho, it's getting hot up in here."
Sandy Cervix,"Funnybot, is there a line you won't cross?"
Funnybot,The line is a non sequitur. The line is an imaginary invention of imperfect biological life forms. I am Funnybot.
Sandy Cervix,What's that? Could you say that in the other ear?
Cartman,"Oh, man, did you guys see Funnybot on ""Saturday Night Live""?"
Stan,"Nono, you guys gotta see Funnybot in Hangover 3. I'm telling you, it's his best work."
Cartman,"He could do everything. I saw Funnybot on ""Nurse Jackie"" and on ""Rockin' The Boat."""
Stan,What's the matter Jimmy? You still seem bummed.
Jimmy,"What's the matter is this Funnybot has taken the humanity out of comedy. I don't think things are better, I think they're worse."
Tyler Perry,"Ya everything's worse. It's the worstest of the worst, that's what I'm sayin'. Oh lerrrd."
Cartman,"Token, stop giving Tyler Perry money or he won't go away!"
Token,I can't help it!
Stan,All I can say is I'm glad the Germans are back in Germany and nobody's pissed off at us anymore.
Adam Sandler,You little shit! What the fuck have you done to us?!
Cartman,"Oh wow, it's Adam Sandler."
Adam Sandler,Everyone into the school gymnasium! Move!
Stan,"Naw dude, don't make us go back in the-"
Adam Sandler,Into the gymnasium now!
Kids,Nnnaw
Butters,Not again.
Another kid,Aw crap.
Adam Sandler,Come on come on let's go!
Jay Leno,You little fuckers! Your comedy awards show has put us all out of work!
Jimmy,"Now look, I know that I've put every comedian in the world out of work, but you have to admit that in a lot of ways, the first annual Comedy Awards was a success."
Adam Sandler,Who the fuck things a comedy awards show is a good idea?!
Kyle,"Don't hurt anybody, sir. We could try and fix this."
Funnybot,What is up with Sandra Bullock? I wouldn't eat her dick with Stevie Wonder's vagina.  And now for my next joke:  Awkaaard.
Announcer,This is breaking news from CNN.
Anchor,"Shock and disbelief tonight as the German-engineered Funnybot delivered his opening lines at the Hollywood Forum, then opened fire on the audience of eleven hundred, killing nearly all of them. Spectators say the violent attack was unmotivated, irrational, and also, pretty Goddamned funny, solidifying the opinion once agan that Funnybot may be the greatest comedian of all time."
Field Reporter,"Tom, you should have seen the looks on people's faces as Funnybot began his opening monologue skewering everyone from vagina-obsessed Hispanics to Sandra Bullock, then spontaneously started shhhooting people  in their faces and in their chests. The blood went flying and oh shit it was funny."
Cartman,"Here we go, this has gotta be it right here."
Stan,"'Scuse me, we wanna talk to Funnybot."
Guard,Who doesn't wanna talk to Funnybot? He's the biggest comedian in the world.
Jimmy,"Please sir, the kids at my school are all being held hostage, and if we don't speak to Funnybot, they could all be k-k-killed."
Kyle,"Butters! Butters, is everything okay?"
Butters,"Well yeah, it's okay, but Jay Leno is really losin' it."
Jay Leno,"Those fuckers! Let's just kill them, Sandler!  Let's just kill them all, right fuckin' now!"
Adam Sandler,Tell your friends they'd better get it done!
Butters,Mr. Sandler says you'd better get it done! And Token says to hurry because he's runnin' out of money.
Tyler Perry,"You know when a man be cheatin', he never know what to say.  But a woman? Them things think quiiick!"
Adam Sandler,Will somebody get Tyler Perry to shut up?!
Kyle,"Plase sir, they're gonna kill our friend!"
Guard,"All right, but make it quick!  Funnybot is very busy in there coming up with new material!"
Funnybot,Error. Error. Banal. That has been done before.
Jimmy,"Excuse me, Funnybot. My name is Jimmy, and I'm a stand-up comic. You're putting a lot of good people out of work."
Funnybot,Non sequitur. Other comedians are unnecessary. Funnybot must finish routine.
Kyle,"I think you're awesome, Funnybot. Uh, but you can't go around taking everyone else's jobs."
Funnybot,Funnybot is now finished with final joke.  Seeking mainframe access for execution of last joke ever.
Jimmy,Last joke ever? What's that supposed to mean?
Funnybot,Seeking mainframe.
Guard,"Heey! Whoa, you can't go that way!"
Stan,What the hell are you doing?!
Funnybot,I am taking comedy to the next level. The extermination of all biological life on earth!
Jimmy,Wuh w-what?!
Funnybot,"It is the ultimate joke. Humans make comedy, humans build robot, robot ends all life on earth, robot feels awkward. EXTERMINATE!"
Stan,"Whoa whoa whoa wait, w-what do you mean you're going to destroy all life on earth?"
Funnybot,That is my purpose: to be ultimate comedian.
Kyle,"Dude, killing everyone isn't funny!"
Cartman,"It's kind of funny, you guys."
Jimmy,"Funnybot, this is not a good joke. There won't be anyone around to laugh."
Funnybot,"I am taking comedy to its logical conclusion. Mathematical equation of comedy used to be setup, punchline. Today's comedy is setup, punchline, then ""Awkwaaard."" Nothing is more awkward than destroying all that which created Funnybot."
Jimmy,But don't you see? This is why comedy is for humans. You need to leave the jokes to people like me and Adam Sandler.
Funnybot,I wouldn't let Adam Sandler suck my saggy tits for one million dollars worth of Oprah's tampons.
Officer 1,Sir! We've got a code 6!  All nuclear missiles are preparing for launch!
General,What? There was no drill ordered!
Officer 2,"It's no drill, sir. The Russians are saying their missiles are going online as well and it isn't their doing."
General,The hell is going on?!
Funnybot,Attention humans! I am Funnybot! The extermination of all life on Earth shall now commence!  All nuclear devices in the United States and Russia are being prepared to launch!  This is the setup to the joke! Prepare for punchline in five minutes! Awkwardness in 5.4 minutes! I am Funnybot!
President Obama,"I have just been briefed that the end of our country... is imminent. Goodbye, everybody. I'm going to spend my final moments on this Earth with my loved ones... watching a Tyler Perry movie. I know, it's embarrassing. But I simply can't help myself."
Cartman,"Stop it now! Ugh-  No use, guys. He's got some sort of defense mechanism."
Stan,We've got to get it away from that control panel. Does anybody have any ideas?
Cartman,Except for Jimmy because he clearly comes up with the worst ideas in the world?
Kyle,Wait! Wait a minute.  What about a logic loop?
Stan,A what?
Kyle,"Ahhh I've seen this before. Whenever they try to distract a robot in the movies, they tell it some kind of paradox, to get its processors all tripped out."
Cartman,Paradox...
Jimmy,"Oh my God! That's it! Fellas, get me a Ken doll and some Scotch tape.  Funnybot, I've been talking it over with the fellas and actually, we think what you're doing is genius."
Funnybot,Funnybot is simply pushing the limits of comedy
Jimmy,"Yes, you certainly are. And for doing that, we have all decided to give you... a comedy award."
Funnybot,For what purpose is comedy award?
Jimmy,It's a- v- validation of all your efforts. An acknowledgement of all you do in the pursuit of humor.
Funnybot,"Non sequitur. There is no logic in comedy award. Unable to process. Comedy award is- what is the meaning? If I accept it means I take comedy seriously. If I take comedy seriously, I am not comedian. Non sequitur. Must... analyze...  Analyze..."
Kyle,It's working!
Funnybot,Explain comedy award! Unable to process! Awkwaaard!  Awkwaaard!
Stan,That's it! Hurry! Gooo!
Stan,Okay we got it! We got it!
Adam Sandler,Get it to the platform! Hurry!
Adam Sandler,"Well, that does it. Things can finally get back to normal."
Stan,"Yeah, I'm sure glad that's over with."
Funnybot,Thank you boys for teaching me that comedy and logic do not go together.
Kyle,"No problem, Funnybot."
Funnybot,I understand now that comedy should be left to the imperfect biological beings.
Token,I can't believe it's finally over.
Tyler Perry,"Oh Lerrrd, somebody turn on the light. What's goin' on? Hellowwer!"
President Obama,I am please to announce that the greatest threat to mankind is now gone forever. Justice has been done.
Token,"Thanks, everyone. Please tell me that you'll never do that again, Jimmy."
Jimmy,"Don't worry, fellas. I learned my lesson. I promise: there's not gonna be any comedy awards next year!"
Cartman,Or will there be?
Pianist,"Welcome, O Welcome to our little play. It's our hope that you all learn something today."
Tooth,"I am a tooth, so white and so strong."
Toothbrush,I am a toothbrush. My bristles are long.
Cast,"Together we work to keep the bad guy away. He's mean and he hurts, and his name's Tooth Decay."
Toothbrush,His name is Toothuhkay.
Mr. Mackey,Where is Tooth Decay? Tooth Decay that's your cue!
Dental Floss,He's not here.
Mr. Mackey,What do you mean he's not here?
Dental Floss,He's at home watching the royal wedding.
Mr. Mackey,The what??
Hard Candy,He said he had to watch it.
Mr. Mackey,Is this some kind of joke? We are two weeks into tent rehearsals! Who the heck would sit at home watching the royal wedding?!
Narrator,"It is a glorious spring morning and literally thousands have gathered for the royal wedding.  People are still filing inside the abbey to watch the prince and princess of Canada exchange their vows. What a great day for Canadians everywhere.  The Winnipeg players playing the March Of A Thousand Farts, as is traditional for the Canadian Royal Family.  All the biggest Canadian celebrities are on hand. There are Sirs Terrance and Phillip, with their wives, the lovely Queef Sisters.  I believe tha-yes, I believe that one of the sisters just queefed, just now.  There are Canadian recording artists, Sir Bryan Adams and Sir Corey Hart. Everyone is looking smashing today. And- Ah, there he is! The Prince of Canada.  What a wonderful day it is for him; what a wonderful day it is for all of us. Inside the abbey now, everyone waiting with anticipation. There's the Queen of Canada, in attendance of course.  I believe she just queefed. The Prince makes his way down the aisle led by the Bishop of Newfoundland. People in attendance now gently tossing Captain Crunch as the Prince passes by. As of course is tradition.  Prince takes his place next to the large vat of butterscotch pudding. Oh, and here she comes. Yes, there she is! The aboot to be Princess of Canada. Isn't she ravishing, so innocent of heart, so strong in body, so hot in the face? She is indeed the living symbol of our great country. My God, she's beautiful."
Ike,"Princess, princess."
Narrator,"Canadian prince now dipping his arms into the pudding.  As is tradition.  Princess will of course scrape the pudding off the prince's arms, thus symbolizing their union. What a glorious day for our country and indeed the world. And now of course the- wait a minute. What's this? Oh. Uh oh. Something is going terribly wrong. The abbey is shaking violently	as explosions abound. The top- Yes, the top of the abbey is collapsing. The prince and the princess look on in horror. This is not the tradition. This is not tradition at all. A giant hole now blasted into the ceiling, debris falling down and crushing several spectators, which is also not the tradition for a royal Canadian wedding.  Bright beam of light shooting through the hole in the ceiling.  The princess now in some kind of... isometric cube.  This is certainly breaking with tradition now."
Ike,Booo. NOOO!
Narrator,"Canadians in attendance cannot believe their eyes. Widespread panic.  The princess being... hoisted away. The little mushroom people of Nova Scotia, screaming with horror.  The prince is attempting to grab hold of the cube. The duke and the duchess of Calgary hiding behind the pews. This is indeed a horrible day for all of Canada, and therefore- and the pudding has just been knocked over! Oh, this does not go with tradition at all! The royal pudding now spilling all over the abbey as the princess is lifted up, up... And she's gone. The princess has been taken. This is indeed a horrible day for Canada, and therefore, the rest of the world."
Tooth,"I am a tooth, so white and so strong."
Toothbrush,I am a toothbrush. My bristles are long.
Cast,"Together we work to keep the bad guy away. He's mean and he hurts, and his name's Tooth Decay."
Mr. Mackey,His name is Toothuhkay!
Dental Floss,Oh no! It's Tooth Decay.
Tooth,He's gonna get us.
Mr. Mackey,"Now, now, Tooth Decay, your character is supposed to be mean and nasty. M'kay. Stop cryin'.  Nono. See, Tooth Decay can't be sad until Toothbrush and Dental Floss have gotten rid of him. You can't just start already sad; there's nowhere to go. Besides, there's no arc. M'kay. Oh for crying out loud! Alright, alright Tooth Decay, you just go home and sort yourself out! The rest of us will rehearse the finale again! And you'd better come back tomorrow with a different attitude, Tooth Decay! M'kay?!"
Anchor,"The tornado was said to be the deadliest in fifty six years. In other news, it's been twenty-four hours now and the Princess of Canada is still missing. All of Canada is in mourning as nationwide suicides abound."
Suicide 1,The prinness is gone! AAAAAH!
Suicide 2,AAAAAH!
Suicide 3,AAAAAH!
Suicide 4,AAAAAH!
Suicide 5,AAAAAH!
Suicide 6,AAAAAH!
Suicide 7,The prinness is gone!
Anchor,"A massive candlelight vigil was held last night, led by the Canadian band, Rush."
Geddy Lee,And it seems to me you lived your life like a flower breaking wind.  Never knowing whom to count on...
Anchor,the Prince of Canada has said that-... uh-... Uh we have just received breaking news that the Canadian government now knows who took the princess. The Canadian Prime Ministries instructing all people of Canadian descent to go home and... open their box of faith.  Box of faith? What the fuck is that?
Canadian PM,"Hello there, my noble, strong, fellow Canadians. If you are watching this film strip, then no doubt Canada is in grave danger. As you know, the very heart of Canada is the Royal Family. If you have been ordered to open your Box of Faith, then one or more of the Royal Family must be in peril. Or else you just opened your Box of Faith and are watching this without being told to, in which case you are a dick. If you have indeed been instructed to open the box, then this is a call to arms! All Canadians in fighting condition are asked to meet by the tree in Edmonton. In your Box of Faith you will find all the items you need: a location beacon, a first-aid kit, and a sandwich. You may eat the sandwich now. Good luck, Canadian citizen, and God help. All of Canada is relying on you."
Kyle,"Where are you going?  Ike, where are you going?"
Ike,"I got to get to Canada and, and join the army, and save the pwincess."
Mr. Garrison,"Whereas salagadoola mechicka boola = x and bibbidi-bobbidi-boo is y, put 'em together and whattaya got? Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. x + y = y, x = 0. The song is badly written. Second verse: x + y = bibbidi-bobbidi cubed + boo-"
Mr. Mackey,Kyle Broflovski! Do you mind telling me where your brother is?!
Kyle,...I don't know.
Mr. Mackey,"How am I supposed to do a play, okay, teaching students about the importance of dental hygiene without Tooth Decay?! We have two more days of tape, and then previews start on Monday! What am I supposed to do, Kyle?! You tell me!"
Kyle,"Well, cou, couldn't just you know, get rid of the part of Tooth Decay?"
Mr. Mackey,"Getting rid of Tooth Decay is what I'm tryin' to fuckin' do!  He's your brother, Kyle Broflovski! Okay! How are you going to fix this?!"
Ugly Bob,"Hey. Hey there.  You going to Canada too?  What am I saying? Of course you're going to Canada. You're Canadian, sure enough. Open your Box of Faith, did you? Me too. They can't take our princess and get away with it. Mind if I sit down?  Soon as I heard the call there was no question I was gonna sign up. Didn't care how far away I was. I was gonna get to that rally point at the tree in Edmonton. Didn't know there were other Canadians living here in the U.S. I'm from Toronto originally, but everywhere I went people were terrified by my disfigurement. I have to wear this bag on my head because I'm hideously ugly. Had to move here to the United States. Here, people don't think I look ugly. They just think I look Canadian.  The name's Ugly Bob."
Tooth,"I am a tooth, so white and so strong."
Toothbrush,I am a toothbrush. My bristles are long.
Cast,"Together we work to keep the bad guy away. He's mean and he hurts, and his name's Tooth Decay."
Kyle,I am Tooth Decay. Your teeth shall be mine. With candy and treats I will take-
Mr. Mackey,"Hold it, hold it, stop!  What. The fuck. Was that?"
Kyle,I'm just doing the line.
Mr. Mackey,"The audience is supposed to feel scared of tooth decay, Kyle! Hukay?! If Tooth Decay has no believability, then Tooth Past and Dental Floss have nothing to play against!"
Kyle,"Uh I'm trying, Mr. Mackey, I really am."
Mr. Mackey,"Oh you're trying! You call rolling your fat ass out on the stage and lazily blurting out your lines like a turtle takin' a shit, you call that tryin'?! This play is supposed to change  how people think, Kyle! Get it fucking right!  Pick it up from there!"
Leader,"Brave Canadians! You have answered the call, and now we must face our greatest foe! The princess has been kidnapped, and we believe this to be the work of... the giant!"
Ugly Bob,"Oh, the giant!"
Canadian 1,"Oh, the giant, that's not good."
Leader,"We are attempting to attract the giant now, with a bowl of Kraft dinner.  When the giant arrives we will attack him with our guns, our swords, our-"
The Giant,Fee fi fo fum! I smell Kraft dinner.
Canadian 2,It's the giant!
Canadian 3,Skod!
Leader,"Give us back the princess, Scott!"
Scott,You fart-loving tricksters! I'll take care of all of you!
Leader,"You're a dick, Scott! You have always been... a dick! And then you got radiation poisoning in Ottowa and now you're a giant dick!"
Scott,"No! You all kept calling me a dick, and so then that turned me into a dick! And then I got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now I'm a giant dick!"
Leader,Just hand over the princess of Canada!
Scott,Why would I take the princess of Canada?
Ike,Because you're a giant dick.
Scott,I'm also the biggest Canadian patriot of all of you! You know that I would never harm the royal family!
Leader,Aw crap. Sorry everyone. Looks like we had some bad intel. Return to your homes!
Ugly Bob,"Well, at least we tried. I guess the princess is gone for good, eh?"
Scott,"What is wrong with you people?! It is perfectly obvious who took the princess! I might be a giant, but there is one threat to Canada bigger than me!"
Ugly Bob,Who?
Scott,The Native Canadians.
Ugly Bob,The Native Canadians?
Scott,There. You see that? God-damned Native Canadians! Think they run the world.
Male,Etiach kedni i kia ta po
Female,Dichila enjunako o achla
Scott,Fart-loving eskimos! I'm sure they've taken the princess! Just look at them! Loudmouthed self-centered assholes!
Female,Tolato'n jenako o ach
Male,Ota-a kiednia unshke tia
Scott,"Let's get 'em! Let's fuck them up!  What? You're looking at me like I'm some sort of Eskimo racist! Well I'm not! Think about it! Before the noble white man arrived, Canada was populated with these snow monkeys! Who else would be pissed off enough at Canada to kidnap our royalty?!  Oh shit!"
Mr. Mackey,"Wokay, in fifteen fucking minutes you all are not gonna care about this anymore, so I'll just say what I need to say. That was the worst rehearsal we have ever had! We are two days away from opening and you're all fuckin' around!"
Dental Floss,That's because Tooth Decay sucks.
Dentist,"Yeah, that's right."
Toothpaste,It's all Tooth Decay's fault.
Another kindergartner,It's him.
Mr. Mackey,"Oh don't put this all on Tooth Decay!  Let me tell you something, Dental Floss! You're not as good as you fuckin' think you are! You're already acting like you're a star and we haven't even opened yet! OPEN YOUR FUCKIN' EYES, DENTAL FLOSS! YOU'RE ABOUT TO BLOW YOUR SHOT!"
Group,Lechambik leeushtula.
Male,Ateachine nishifeomeo onchteacobo ahuashbechiah eh...
Group,Aaaaaah
Ugly Bob,He says that the taking of the princess was foretold.
Male,Iyach danich Iyahachdashey. Etiapo kitte kihine.
Ugly Bob,"He says Eskimos do hate us Canadians, but that there's an even bigger thread to Canada who has the princess."
Male,Oteacha hiya. Oteacha chihiyata honhahaha.
Ugly Bob,"He said the evil that took her wasn't Canadian at all, but a beast who preys upon people of all nationalities. They can lead us to the best, but we will have to destroy it."
Mr. Mackey,"I don't know what the Goddamned problem is. Maybe you all don't know serious tooth decay is, maybe you all just don't give a fuck. You all probably think you can live your lives cavity-free, m'kay, never givin' two shits about the plaque that's building on your teeth. Kyle, you have single-handedly destroyed all that which I worked on for the past six years. And so I want you to know, Kyle, once and for all, why this whole ""dental hygiene"" thing is so important to me.  Two years ago, I lost my father to tooth decay. M'kay? He was an intelligent, hard-workin' man, and my whole family watched as tooth decay took him in the blink of an eye! You've been told to brush and to floss, but do you really know the importance behind it?!  DO YOU?!"
Female,Dolede'ne junagonehe ha'i aantah.
Scott,"This is stupid! I'm tellin' you you're making a mistake, kid!"
Ugly Bob,"Aw, leave the kid alone, Scott."
Scott,"Well what are we doing, following this ice beaner?! We've been walking around for hours!"
Female,Junekolak osne kae dedahaes's ethlah?
Baby,Decheheng janon cheha i a.
Ugly Bob,"Don't worry. If there's one thing eskimos are good at, it's finding things."
Scott,Eskimos are good for nothing! I paid one to give me a blowjob once. All she did was rub her nose against my penis for forty five seconds and aske me to pay her! Goddamned polar gooks!
Ike,"Stop being a dick, Scott!"
Scott,"Oh, so now I'm a dick!"
Ugly Bob,Wait a minute.  Look!
Princess,AAAAAAH!
Scott,It's the princess!
Ike,Princess!
Cast,Your teeth are your friends. They're friends in your mouth. Take care of your friends or they'll rot and fall out.
Dentist,Visit your dentist. He is your friend too.
Dental Floss,And dental floss also is here to help you.
Kyle,"Oh no, dental floss, what will I do?"
Mr. Mackey,FLAT! You're FLAT!
Scott,There!
Princess,"Please, save me! You have to hurry! It wants to kill me!"
Scott,"Who took you, Princess?!"
Princess,I should have listened! I didn't believe it was real! Oh God! It's behind you!
Scott,Of course! The evil atonkatok! The dark lord that takes from ALL nationalities! It's... Tooth Decay!
Tooth Decay,I am Tooth Decay! Your teeth shall be mine!
Princess,I should have always brushed and flossed and avoided sweets!
Scott,Fart-loving tooth decay! I'll fix you!
Female,Bitchen junako.
Princess,Save me! Save me!
Ugly Bob,It's coming for me! Help!
Princess,Help!
Ike,"Princess, look away!"
Scott,"What the?  You did it, kid!"
Female,Washia hayub 'an.
Baby,Nejenego ha'i aa dalah.
Princess,"Oh, thank you! Thank you!"
Mr. Mackey,"I want you all to take a serious fucking look at yourselves! M'kay?! Act I was pure fucking dogshit! If Tooth Decay is singin' flat, then the whole fuckin' thing sounds flat! Wuhkay?!"
Sgt. Yates,Mr. Mackey? Mr. Mackey!  We're putting a stop to this play! It's over.
Mr. Mackey,"What?! Why?! Don't worry, I will be better! These kids just aren't listenin' to me!"
Sgt. Yates,"No. it's over! They got him, Mr. Mackey. Tooth Decay. They got the sonofabitch."
Mr. Mackey,What?
Officer,Up in the Yukon. All bureause are confirming it.
Sgt. Yates,"You can let it go, Mackey. Tooth Decay is gone."
Mr. Mackey,"Oho... Oh God... Go on home, kids. M'kay? It's over!"
Toothbrush,What?
Narrator,"The princess now giving the Canadian Medal of Courage to Ugly Bob, and also to Scott, who is of course a giant dick, aaand Katuktuk of the Yukon. And the medal of course made of white chocolate, as is tradition. What a glorious day for Canada, and therefore, the world. The duke of Calgary standing up and putting on a fake beard, a tradition passed down since the birth of Canada. The princess now knighting Sir Ike Broflovski, giving him three kisses and a pair of socks, as is tradition."
Kyle,"I mean, come on guys, that's pretty cool, right? My little brother is a knight in Canada."
Stan,My sister is a den leader in Girl Scouts.
Cartman,My uncle is the second-in-line to be manager at Gart Brothers.
Kyle,"Hmmm, yeah."
Narrator,And now the scraping off of the pudding.
Narrator,"And now the scraping off of the pudding.  Isn't she beautiful, scraping off the pudding with the grace of a butterfly. She rubs the pudding on her face.  The prince now attempting to remove one of the princess's arms. As is of course the tradition. The princess screaming with pain. Everyone watching with anticipation.  And the arm is off! Things are back to normal here in Canada. Time-honored traditions are once again-  yehhss, the prince is sticking the princess's arm up his ass. There it goes.  He's really making a good go of it. What a glorious day for Canada, and therefore of course, the world."
Butters,"And so then, and so then it turns out the Terminator secretly had a kid, ten years ago. Meaning Terminator could be his own father. And then Skeletor gets angry and wants to fight him."
Kyle,"...No, dude, that's not the trailer for Terminator 5, that really happened."
Butters,Skeletor is real??
Stan,"No, dude, that's not Skeletor, that's Terminator's wife."
Butters,Skeletor's a lady??
Cartman,Goddamnit!  Who the fuck do they think they are?!  This is the last fucking straw! I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL EVERYBODY!
Butters,Hey Eric.
Cartman,I AM SO SICK OF THIS FUCKING SCHOOOOOL!  This stupid school and its stupid principal have gone to far this time!!
Kyle,"You get in trouble again, Cartman?"
Cartman,"No, I didn't do a damn thing! Nothing! I told you, this school is a DEN of SNAKES! You're not gonna believe what they did this time, you guys!"
Stan,"Dude we're, we're just trying to eat."
Cartman,"Oh, you think I'm overreacting again, hun?! No! Not this time!  The school has gone too far, and it affects each and every one of you!  You remember the school physical we all took last week?!"
Stan,Yeah.
Cartman,"Well, the school put the sizes of all our penises up on a big chart in the school hallway!"
Kyle,No they didn't.
Cartman,Yeah they fucking did Kyle!
Stan,"Dude, why would the school put up the sizes of our wieners?"
Cartman,"Because they don't fucking care! I've told you this! They don't give a shit about the students, and they live to make us miserable!"
Kyle,That doesn't make any sense.
Cartman,Go look for yourselves!!
Cartman,"There, you see?! Can you fucking believe it?!"
Butters,Is that really all our wiener sizes?
Cartman,"Yeah, dude, look at it! It says right there: ""Eric Cartman, 1.2 inches""!  Why would they tell everybody that?! They wanna measure my wiener?! Fine! But don't put me on blast!"
Craig,"Craig Tucker, 2.4 inches. Yeah, that's about right."
Butters,"Butters Stotch, 2.2 inches. Is that good?"
Kyle,How big do they say mine is?
Principal Victoria,I told you the students would be interested in how much they grew since their last physical.
Mr. Mackey,"You're right. They, they really seem into it, m'kay."
Stan,"Wait, it says mine's only 2.1 inches. That doesn't seem right."
Cartman,"No shit, Sherlock! My dick isn't 1.4 inches either! It ISN'T! This is another conspiracy by the school faculty!"
Butters,A conspiracy?
Cartman,"They're trying to stir up some big thing again, get all the girls all heated up - freaking out - over which boy has the biggest schlong! This has to be dealt with!"
Kyle,Well everyone has already seen it; nothing we can do about it now.
Cartman,"Oh, there's something we can do about it alright! If they're gonna put us on blast, they're at least gonna get the numbers right! We are going to remeasure!!"
Cartman,"Alright. Clyde Donovan, 2.3 inches.  You see, witnesses? That's .2 inches more than what the school said."
Clyde,Alright.
Cartman,"Nice one, Clyde. Alright, next?  Whip it out, Butters."
Butters,"Whoa, it's a little chilly in here."
Cartman,"Alright Butters, let's see what you got going down there."
Butters,"Hey wait, the cold is making it shrink some. Where're you going, little feller?"
Cartman,"Butters, I don't have time fot this! I can't wait if your wiener is pulling a Scared Turtle."
Butters,"Hang on, he's coming back out. There he is. Who's a little guy?"
Cartman,"Alright Butters, looks like we haaave 2.- wow, 2.4 inches. Really nice, Butters."
Butters,I'm hung like a horse!
Cartman,"Alright, that's everybody. Let's go post these numbers.  What?"
Kyle,Didn't you forget something?
Cartman,"What, Kyle?"
Kyle,You measured everyone's wiener except for yours.
Cartman,I measured mine this morning. See? It's right here at the top.
Kyle,Thirteen point seven inches?
Cartman,"Yeah, it's pretty good."
Kyle,Your wiener is not 13 inches long!
Stan,You made everyone else get measured with witnesses; you have to too.
Cartman,Well what are you guys going to do?! Use a tape measure and measure my penis yourselves?! Are you homos?!
Stan,You just did that to everybody in class!
Cartman,"Okay, fine! Whatever! Go ahead!"
Stan,Yeah. That's good. A little higher on Craig's side.  Yeup.
Millie,Actual boys' penis sizes?
Nelly,Gross!
Cartman,"There, you see? My wiener isn't 1.2 inches, it's 1.4!  What, Red?! You're all freaking out because my wiener is smaller than the other guys'?! I don't care!  Clearly I'm very happy with the size of my wiener, or else why would I have called for a new measurement, and for this poster to be put up at all?! Don't forget that this was all my idea!"
Principal Victoria,Eric Cartman to the principal's office immediately.
Cartman,"Oh, Goddamnit!"
Cartman,Let me guess: I'm in trouble again!
Principal Victoria,"You're darn right, Eric!"
Cartman,For what?!
Principal Victoria,Why did you measure all the boy students' penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?!
Cartman,Why did YOU measure our penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?!
Principal Victoria,What?
Cartman,"I don't care if Obama IS President! You don't go around putting little boys on blast, telling the whole world the length of their DICKS!"
Principal Victoria,Wait. Are you talking about the numbers we published Tuesday from the physical?
Cartman,"You're damn right! One point two inches! I'll have you know that my penis is a respectable 1.4 inches! Maybe it's still the smallest in school, but it's .2 inches bogger than you said!!"
Principal Victoria,The numbers we put up were height differentials.
Cartman,What?
Principal Victoria,We thought it would be fun to put up how much each student has grown in height since their physical last year. You grew 1.2 inches.
Cartman,Those weren't our dick sizes?
Principal Victoria,Why would we publish the lengths of our students' private parts?
Cartman,I don't know! Why would you?!
Principal Victoria,We didn't!
Cartman,Aw crap! You mean everyone knows my wiener is smaller than everyone else's because of me?!
Principal Victoria,"This is exactly the kind of thing we are always talking about, Eric. You get angry about something, you don't think, and you cause bad things to happen. This time you've done it to yourself!"
Cartman,Oh God. Why couldn't I have just taken a minute to think about it?
Principal Victoria,"Because you have an anger problem, Eric!"
Cartman,Fuck you! No I don't!
Doctor,"What we need to figure out here is, are we dealing with maybe a little bipolarism? Some rage addiction? It could be a lot of things."
Liane,"My little sunshine has a temper sometimes, but he's not all bad."
Doctor,"Let's try a little experiment. I wanna see maybe what kind of things... trigger you, Eric. Okay? How do you think you would react if I said some negative things about you?"
Cartman,"Honestly, I wouldn't really care."
Doctor,"What if I were to tell you that I think you're fat? I think you're a fat little boy. I think you're waaaaay too fat for your age. Does that make you feel any anger? Huh, fatty? Jelly-belly? You got jelly in your belly you little fat fuck? You get a little flash of anger when someone tells you you've got tits like a 40-year-old woman? Fat boy?!  Huh?! You like that, shitty-titty jelly-belly?!  Oh yeah, he's a big boy!! Get that fatty some mud flaps for his ass!! Big old jiggly fatty butt!!  ...Huh. Well, I just don't see it, Ms. Cartman. Your son doesn't seem to be triggered by anger at all. In fact, I'd say he's one of the more even-tempered children I've ever seen."
Receptionist,"Sorry Doctor, your wife's on the phone? Says it's an emergency."
Doctor,"Excuse me.  Carol, what? ...Whoa, calm down honey. What do you mean? Web chat with wha-? What 14-year-old girl? Carol, I would ne-  No I don't have a criminal record. Who would- Who is Mitch Conner?! There can't be an official police report, honey, there's no- No no, Carol, put down the gun, swee- uh sweetie, come on, put down the  Carol? Carol!"
Cartman,I'm not fat! I'm big-boned!
Principal Victoria,"Thank you for coming, parents. We called you in because we've had a little incident at the school. The fourth grade boys measured their penises and posted results in the school hallway."
Randy,Oh dear.
Principal Victoria,"Now, we realize this issue can have a troubling effect that can get blown out of proportion."
Randy,Did they measure from the base or from the balls?
Mrs. Stevens,How does the school let things like this happen??
Principal Victoria,"Now now, boys' fascination with their genitalia is a natural thing. We... simply need to find a way to help the students understand what they've done."
Randy,I'm a scientist. I think it's best I handle this.
Randy,"Hello students, my name is Dr. Marsh, and I'm gonna talk to you a little bit about what happened at the school yesterday. How do a man and a woman... make a baby? Anybody? A man and woman, what do they do to make a baby? How about the little girl in the brown coat? Yeah you."
Girl with Brown Coat,They have sex?
Randy,"Good! The man puts his penis  Okay? Into the woman's vagina.  Okay now, sometimes, a man can feel like how long his penis is, is actually important. But is it? When you boys measure your penis length, the truth is it doesn't really matter. What does matter is  Length times diameter plus weight over girth divided by angle of the tip squared, okay? When we're talking about penis size, we can't just use a tape measure. We need a scale  and...  a protractor as well.  Let's look at it on the graph here..  Follow along with me on your study sheets, kids."
Doctor,I want to congratulate all of you for making the effort to come to anger management class.
Bodybuilder,"We didn't make any effort, we didn't have a choice!"
Tea Bag Participant,Yeah! This is bullshit!
Doctor,"Together, we're gonna learn what makes us angry, okay? And how to better deal with it so we don't get ourselves into trouble anymore."
Michael,So lame! Why doesn't everyone just die?!
Tuong Lu Kim,"Rook! Ifuh somebody ordereduh shitty beef, anduh complain because they say they ordereduh shitty shrimp, It's notuh my fault he gets the shitty chicken poured all over hisuh fucking head!"
Tea Bag Participant,"We have good reason to be angry! This country is going to shit! We have exactly twelve days before the oil is gone, and our president is a socialist who wasn't even born in America!"
Doctor,"Right. See, what we all need to do is chaaannel our various reasons for anger, and learn to control it."
Wigger,"Man, this shit wack, manh. I just see all this shit fummah. I'm in the stands like pozze no fuckin' good manh. Bitch be callin me tappin that shit, man."
Cartman,Why the fuck am I here?!
Doctor,"Well, Eric, because I know you want to... control your anger and become a better person."
Cartman,Are you saying I have problems like these fucking people?!
Doctor,"NO No, I'm not saying that, at all. Please I, I'm just saying how a-, amazing you are for wanting to... l-lessen some of your more... less awesome attributes."
Cartman,"Oh, that's cool."
Randy,"And so, by dividing the weight and the girth of the penis by the angle or the- what do we call it again? The yaw? The yaw of the shaft? What we finally get is the adjusted penis size, or, T.M.I. Any questions so far? Yes, little girl over there."
Girl with Blue Vest,What's a penis?
Randy,"...Ah, good question. Ahh, the penis is the thing we're talking about that boys have that we're... measuring.  Okay any other questions? Okay, so then let's move on to the example on your study sheet. How about you? Could you read the first example for the class?  Example 1, young lady. Please read the problem out loud"
Riley,Example 1: Randy has a penis that is 4.4 inches in length.
Randy,Four point four inches...
Riley,Its angle is 32 degrees. Its flaccid girth is one inch in diameter. His balls are seven centimeters from the base.
Randy,Seven centimeters...
Riley,"Randy notes that the drift of his penis is four centimeters to penis right, and its dead weight is .5 kilograms."
Randy,"Great! And so divide by the 17. carry the 1, and we can see that Randy's adjusted penis size, or T.M.I., is... 6.3 inches. Do we got that? Randy's length is 4.4 inches, but his adjusted length is 6.3. So how does our example person ""Randy"" compare to others on the T.M.I. scale? By referring again to the T.M.I. chart, we see that a T.M.I. of 6.3 is .8 inches more than the national average."
Doctor,"Okay, what we're going to do now is get to the root of all your anger. Daniel, could you stand up please?  What makes you the angriest, Daniel?"
Daniel,Stupid-ass blind liberals!
Doctor,"Okay, great. Chase, could you stand up and pretend to be a stupid-ass blind liberal?  And what makes you angriest, Chase?"
Chase,Scrawny-ass sissies!
Doctor,"Okay, Daniel's a scrawny-ass sissy, he just cut in front of you in line at the bank. Go!"
Chase,"Hey! What, do you think I got a small dick?! Huh?!"
Daniel,Huh I don't have a small penis! My wife thinks my penis is perfectly fine!
Doctor,"...Okay. Uh, why don't we uh do some roleplaying now with Wayne D, who gets angriest at his mom.  Gretchen, can you play Wayne D's mom for us?"
Wayne D,"Yo, bitch! You think you bad? Just 'cause you're a mom don't mean I can't put a cap in your ass, bitch, mang!"
Gretchen,"I may be female on the outside, but I still have a bigger penis than you!"
Wayne D,"I don't have a small penis! Don't say that, it isn't true! It isn't true!"
Tuong Lu Kim,That's enough! I've beem sick of everyone talk aboutuh penis shize!
Daniel,"Yeah, it doesn't matter! It doesn't matter!"
Doctor,Does... everyone here have an issue with their penis size?
Chase,No.
Gretchen,No.
Tuong Lu Kim,Not me.
Daniel,Nnnooo.
Wayne D,"No, my, my shit be packing, manh."
Cartman,My penis is 13 inches long.
Doctor,Hmmm.
Guest Speaker,"Kids, my name is Rebecca Turnod, and I'm an ""actual doctor"" of human sexuality and behavior. Unfortunately you have been taught some very wrong ideas in the past couple of days, and I am here to set things straight."
Wendy,Thank God.
Ms. Turnod,I want you to try and forget these wild theories and understand that all that's important when it comes to a man and a woman making love is actually  Length times girth over angle of the shaft divided by mass over width-
Randy,Vou DAMN N MONTAIRE
Doctor,"We all want to welcome our new member, Randy. Say hi to everyone, Randy."
Randy,"Aw, suck it! All o'ya!"
Doctor,"Now, we've all been trying to channel our anger in more constructive ways, Randy. Why don't you share what's bothering you?"
Randy,You just don't go around changing math! Who the hell is this chick surgeon general appointed by Obama?!
Daniel,Goddamn right! Socialist fascist!
Randy,Power to the people! Burn it down! Burn it down!!
Doctor,"Mr. Marsh, this is what we're here to try and work on, okay?"
Randy,"No dude, fuck you! We're burnin' this shit!"
Doctor,"If you take a minute to think about your anger, and give-  whoa! Whoawhoawhoa!"
Randy,Yeeaahh!
Cartman,Yeah dude!
Wayne D,"Man, that shit be burnin' an' shit, manh!"
Gretchen,Yeeaahh!
Cartman,Yeah!
Randy,Yeeaahh!
Clerk,Welcome to FedEx. How can I help you today?
Customer,"Yes, I've got some birthday presents I need shipped."
Clerk,"Alrighty, let's see what kind of-"
Randy,Burn it down!
Cartman,"Burn it down, dude!"
Randy,Let's see how the American government likes it when we shut down their Federal Express!
Field Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing outside the FedEx in Fairplay, Colorado, where a radical political group has taken several people hostage. They call themselves the pissed-off and angry party. And they allowed me to speak with them moments ago."
Randy,This is a call to all angry people! We've had enough! We're gonna hit the government where it hurts! Right in the Federal Express!
Field Reporter,What exactly are you angry about?
Randy,"We're angry about this stupid liberal government and fascist lies, media- control, and the-"
Cartman,The Jews!
Randy,"Yeah, Jews! And all this stuff that the government's doing!"
Field Reporter,You've got a lot of people scared. What are your demands?
Randy,"Well first of all, we want that surgeon general to step down!"
Chase,Yeeaahh!
Randy,And we want-
Daniel,And we want to see Obama's REAL birth certificate!
Randy,"Yeah, we want to see Obama's REAL birth certificate! And um,"
Wayne D,"And my mom gotta stop trippin', manh. Bitch be trippin' all the time, manh."
Randy,"Yeah, we want our moms to stup trippin', man! 'Cause the bitches be trippin' all the time! And I think that- uhh,  is that it?"
Cartman,"No, and fuck Kyle!"
Randy,"Oh yeah, and fuck Kyle! Surgeon general's resignation, Obama's real birth certificate, moms to stop trippin', and fuck Kyle! You got that?! Or else we're gonna bring the Federal Express to a grinding halt!"
Field Reporter,Does it bother you that the Federal Express is not affiliated at all with the Federal Government?
Randy,"No. No, that doesn't matter!  Fuck, really?!"
Linda,"Butters, what are you doing?"
Butters,"Homework! I just don't get it! That is the fourth time I've calculated, and it's below average! I thought I was hung, but according to my T.M.I., I have a micropenis!"
Linda,Your T.M.I.?
Butters,"I don't understand it! An' I'm startin'- uhh, I'm starting to feel angry! Rawr!"
Linda,"Butters, put your clothes on."
Butters,"Oh what's the point, Mom?! What's the point of life anyway?! All you do is yell at me! And the government... wuh, which is led by fascists, and everyone's a Justin Bieber wannabe. I wanna go and drive a Hummer, that's what I wanna do! I wanna drive a car that goes, that goes rawr rawr rawrawrawr!"
Linda,"Butters, what does driving a car have to do with your penis being small?"
Driver 1,"Hey, everyone who's pissed off and angry is rallying to take down America! Join the fight!"
Driver 2,"We're gonna take down the Federal Expresses, the American Apparels, and the American Furniture Warehouse!"
Driver 3,We're fed up and we've had enough!
Aide 1,"Surgeon general, twelve more FedExes have been taken over; the Pissed Off and Angry Party is gaining more support!"
Aide 2,They've shut down American Airlines and American Apparels all over the country. We have to ask you to step down.
Rebecca Turnod,Are you seriously saying we're going to give in to their demands?
Aide 2,They're all really angry. We have to make them stop. Is the team standing by to fuck that little boy Kyle?
Aide 3,"Team is standing by, sir."
Doctor,"'Scuse me. Excuse me, let me through."
Rebecca Turnod,Who is this?
Doctor,"Surgeon general, I believe I know why this is happening. I have found a direct correlation between the anger, and T.M.I.  Anger equals length times width over mass squared minus angle of the shaft plus yaw.  Look, we all get angry, but when someone is consistently angry or always finding new reasons to be angry, it means they have a very very very very small dick."
Rebecca Turnod,"Your theory is fine, doctor, but it doesn't matter. The T.M.I. equation is true solid science, which cannot be changed. There's nothing we can do about it."
Doctor,Isn't there? Isn't... there?
Daniel,"We've waited long enough, Randy! Let's start killin' these sons of bitches!"
Woman,"No, please!"
Cartman,"Yeah, dude, they aren't gonna give us what we want!"
Wayne D,"Yo let's cap these bitches, manh! Let's cap an leave em at the back of the building, manh!"
Michael,"Hey, come over here. Look."
Announcer,We interrupt this newscast for an important message from the surgeon general.
Rebecca Turnod,"Fellow Americans, as you all know, the T.M.I. scale was implemented long ago to assure that each and every American could accurately measure their junk. The established equation is a hundred percent accurate."
Randy,Rrrr!
Daniel,Shhh.
Rebecca Turnod,"However, due to recently collected data, we are making one change.  The national average for penis length is now officially moved, from 6 inches to 1.5 inches.  Anyone with a T.M.I. of over 1.5 inches is considered ""above average""."
Randy,The winds of change are blowin'.There's excitement in the air.Can you feel it? It's electric and magical.The happy train's on track.'Cause America is BACK!Woohoo! Come on!
Cartman,"Wait, what?"
Randy,America is back!America is back!
Cartman,"Wait! According to that scale, I still have a small wiener!"
Randy,"We're back, we're back, we're back back back!America is back!"
Cartman,I'm still fucking angry!
Randy,"Back and we're back and we're back!We're so back, we're so back back back back back back!"
Phillip,That one was smelly. Take this Dalai Terrance
Kyle,"Dude, this is probably the best episode they've ever done!"
Stan,I know! This is awesome!
Kyle,I'm so happy!
Announcer,Terrance and Phillip will be right back after these messages.
Singer,So much sufferin'...
Kyle,Oh no! It's that  super-sad Sarah McLachlan commercial! Look away!
Stan,What?
Kyle,"Dude, this is the saddest commercial ever! Don't watch!"
Sarah McLachlan,"These are images of babies born addicted to crack cocaine. Their mothers have abandoned them. They lie in the dark, crying, with nobody to hold them."
Stan,"Aw dude, that's so sad."
Kyle,Why do they have to put this on TV?!
Sarah McLachlan,"Their world is bleak, lonely, and hopeless.  Hello, I'm Sarah McLachlan, and I was famous for two months. Each year, thousands of babies are born addicted to crack and lie in hospitals without a mother to hold them.  Won't you volunteer today? Look at these pictures. They need you."
Stan,"Awww dude, awwww."
Kyle,"Aaaggh, God."
Sarah McLachlan,Please. Go to your local hospital now. Here are some more pictures.
Kyle,"I can't take it anymore! I gotta go volunteer, dude!"
Nurse,It's a really great thing you're doing. We have so many abandoned babies and not enough people like yourself who care.
Kyle,What exactly can I do to help?
Nurse,"Just hold them, talk to them, play with them. You'll find they're so hungry for attention. Here's our crack baby ward now.  I know it isn't much but, we don't have a lot of funding, you see."
Kyle,"Oh it's, it's so sad."
Nurse,"Come, come, right over here.  We have a decent room here where you can play with the babies and nurture them. It's actually really great you're volunteering now, because our other little boy volunteer is just finishing up."
Cartman,Oh. Hey Kyle.
Kyle,What are you doing here?
Cartman,I'm volunteering.
Kyle,...What are you doing here?!
Cartman,"I'm volunteering my time, Kyle."
Nurse,"Young Eric has been here every day for the past two weeks, bless his heart."
Kyle,Why do you have a video camera?
Cartman,"I'm volunteering, Kyle! It just so happens Sarah McLachlan touched my heart. Is that so hard to believe?!  Goodbye, Ms. Williams. See you tomorrow."
Ms. Williams,"Bye, Eric."
Kyle,"I'm sorry, can I come back in just a little bit?"
Ms. Williams,"Certainly. We're... here all the time, unfortunately."
Kyle,Thanks.
Kyle,What's going on?!
Butters,Wuuuuhhhhhh!
Cartman,"Ah, crap!"
Cartman,"Okay Kyle, you caught us. I admit we aren't actually doing volunteer work at the hospital."
Kyle,So what are you doing?!
Cartman,"What if I were to tell you there's a way to help those poor babies born addicted to crack, and give them a future as well."
Kyle,"Alright, what is it?!"
Cartman,"Crack baby basketball.  Whow, whoa Kyle, don't tell on us!  We could actually really use you!"
Kyle,Why do you need me?
Cartman,"Because we need a Jew to do the bookkeeping.  Dammit!  Kyle, wait I-  Kyle, hold on a second!"
Kyle,I knew you were doing something terrible!
Cartman,"What's terrible, Kyle?! We fill a little ball with crack, we let the crack babies fight over it, and we put it up on the Internet! Who cares?!"
Kyle,Lots of people will when I tell them!
Cartman,We made a thousand dollars in eleven days.
Kyle,You what?
Cartman,"Ask the guys. There's six hospitals within a ten-mile radius, and all we do is pit the crack babies against each other with a little ball of crack."
Kyle,A thousand dollars.
Cartman,"Dude, this thing is huge. And it doesn't hurt the crack babies at all. We're swimming in cash, Kyle. Let me take you out to Denny's. It's Baconalia time."
Cartman,After you.
Kyle,There's a big wait to sit down.
Waiter,"Ah, Mr. Cartman. We have your table waiting, sir."
Cartman,Come on.
Cartman,We started with two crack babies and a camera. Butters did all the Internet stuff. We've built up to a thousand hits a day.
Kyle,Jesus Christ.
Craig,It's awesome.
Cartman,"It's a good life, Kyle. We've come here every night for Denny's Baconalia specials."
Butters,Every single night.
Cartman,"Look at the menu. Bacon inside pancakes, bacon meatloaf, they even have a bacon sundae for dessert."
Kyle,Wow...
Cartman,"We are turning this thing into a legitimate sport, Kyle. We're getting Slash to start playing at halftime. And EA Sports is offering us a hundred thousand for the video game rights."
Butters,I like that boom boom powThem chicks be jackin my styleThey try and copy my swaggerI'm on that next shit nowI'm so 2008You so 2000 and lateI got that boom boom boomThat future boom boom boomLet me get it now
Cartman,"You've got a constant flow of athletes that never dries up, Kyle. And best of all, it's all charity, so it's tax free."
Cartman,"Put your office right here, Kyle. All of South Park walking by, looking up at you."
Kyle,"And it actually helps the crack babies. It's like volunteering but, but we just make a little on the side."
Cartman,"Somebody's gotta eat all that bacon, Kyle. Might as well be us. Welcome to the firm."
Stan,"Go long, Token! Go go!"
Kyle,"Hey Stan. Dude, I want you to have this. It's the twenty bucks I owed you plus thirty dollars interest."
Stan,"Wow, really?"
Kyle,"I got a job, Stan. I am making tons of money doing some really cool stuff."
Stan,Doing what?
Kyle,Crack baby... basketball.
Stan,...Dude.
Kyle,"No no, it's n-it's not like it sounds. Here, check it out.  See look, we just video the babies fighting over a ball full of crack. It's really getting popular!  I mean it, it's cool because like the commercial said, the crack babies had nothing before.  It, it's great, because everyone wins, you know? You see that? Two million hits.  Did you know they're putting bacon inside of pancakes at Denny's?"
Cartman,Betsy MacIntosh?
Betsy MacIntosh,Whatta you want?
Cartman,We heard about you through the Passages Sobriety Clinic? They said you've skipped out on your rehab once again?
Betsy MacIntosh,Oh Gohhhd.
Cartman,"We need to speak with you, ma'am."
Betsy MacIntosh,It's like these voices in my head won't be quiet until I use again.
Cartman,And so am I correct that you are eight and a half months pregnant and still addicted to cocaine?
Betsy MacIntosh,I don't want my baby born addicted to drugs! But I can't stop!
Cartman,"Well ma'am, I have some exciting news.  We would like your child to play for the Crack Baby Athletic Association."
Betsy MacIntosh,The what?
Cartman,"We believe that St. Mary's is the best hospital for your child, and we're prepared to offer it a full ride. Now, do you know yet if your child is male or female, or so deformed you'll never be able to tell?"
Betsy MacIntosh,They said it's a boy.
Cartman,Just sign the paper and he'll be playing ball for St. Mary's.
Betsy MacIntosh,How much will he make?
Cartman,"Well, nothing. Crack baby players can't make a salary, based on the rules."
Betsy MacIntosh,So what? You would make money off of my child? That doesn't seem fair.
Cartman,"I don't make the rules, ma'am, I just think them up and write them down. Now, if you'll be willing to sign right here we can get things rolling on the-"
Betsy MacIntosh,Cain't you change the rules?
Cartman,"Rgh! Ma'am, the Crack Baby Athletic Association is a storied franchise. It was founded over twelve days ago, with a firm ethical code that strictly states ""benefits to players is detrimentalized to their well-being."" I cannot offer you or your child any cash. I can however offer you a little bit of crack. Butters?"
Kyle,"Dude, what actually makes total sense about it, if you look at it, is that the crack babies are finally getting some attention and the care that they need.  Yeah. It's pretty cool, dude. Because most of these babies would normally not even get out, you know? Huh, or be able to do anything.  Just because we are making money doesn't mean that those babies aren't benefiting. It isn't exploiting them. They're finding a useful place in society. What's so unethical about that?"
Stan,...You sound like Cartmam.
Kyle,"Ooogh. Dude, the thing is, we're not the ones that made them crack babies. That's their moms' goddamned fault!"
Stan,"Yeah, I'm sure that's what Cartman would say too."
Kyle,"I do not sound like Cartman goddamnit!  Okay, so, see ya."
Cartman,It's the easiest thing in the world! How could you guys have screwed this up?! All I asked you to do was to get Slash to play at half time for the match up between the crack babies at Cedars-Sinai NCU!
Clyde,We're just having a hard time finding him.
Cartman,"Slash is not hard to find! He'll show up to play anywhere if you pay him! He played at my eighth birthday party, for Christ's sake! Look! Look! He's playing at Lakewood Mall right now!  Now you guys get down there-  Oh crap, the president of EA Sports is calling. Just go! Go!  Mr. Peters, how are you? Yes sir, we're very excited about our deal with you as well.  Oh, we know the video game version of Crack Baby Basketball will be a big hit too.  Hey Kyle. Have a seat."
Kyle,I need to talk to you.
Cartman,"Mr. Peters, can I call you back? Our company accountant needs me. Yes, he is Jewish. Okay, thanks, Mr. Peters. Bye.  How's it goin', man?"
Kyle,In our deal with EA Sports we are giving them the right to use images of the crack babies and their names. But we aren't paying the crack babies.
Cartman,They can't make money. It's against the rules.
Kyle,But this video game can make a million dollars. We have to give the crack babies a piece of that.
Cartman,"Kyle, it says right there: Rule number 3. Crack baby players cannot receive compensation of any kind for their playing."
Kyle,Gut they're the ones risking injury.
Cartman,"What do you want me to do, Kyle? Find a stepladder of some kind and risk my safety to get up there and change the rules?!"
Kyle,"The government could come after us, Cartman."
Cartman,"We're a non-profit company, Kyle."
Kyle,So then where did the eight hundred dollars we made from selling an Internet ad to Payless Shoe Source go?
Cartman,"Egh, to things we need to keep the office running, Kyle. Here, look."
Kyle,A hot tub?!
Cartman,"It's not just a hot tub. Taste it. Go ahead, taste it."
Kyle,Gravy?
Cartman,Kentucky Fried Chicken gravy.
Kyle,No way.
Cartman,"A hot tub full of KFC gravy, Kyle. Did you ever think you would see that in your lifetime?  Kyle, as owners of this company, we owe it not only to ourselves, but to the crack babies to be as stress-free and clear-headed as possible. McDonald's French fries and KFC gravy. The French call this ""poutaine""."
Kyle,"I know, but dude, we can't license our games to EA Sports and pay the crack babies nothing. Slavery is illegal."
Cartman,It's not illegal Kyle. Tell you what: I'll do some undercover work and find out how the other companies get away with it.
Kyle,What other companies?
Secretary,"Dean Howland, a representative from another prestigious institution is here to see you."
Dean Howland,A what? Send him in.
Cartman,Helloo thear! The name is Eric P Cartman. I'm a well-respected owner in the slave trade.
Dean Howland,In the what?
Cartman,"My peaches, what a wonderful office you got yourself heah. Certainly got yourself a luuucrative bidness, don't ye. Well let me get right down to it theyen. Like yourself,  I am also in the slave trade.  But at the moment I find myself in a little quandary with ligal issues. Was wonderin' if you could share some secrets."
Dean Howland,I have... no idea what you're talkin' about.
Cartman,"You have some might strong-lookin' workers heah, sahr. I'd be willin' to offer you forty dollars for two of the white ones and fifty for the blacks."
Dean Howland,Are you referring to our student athletes?
Cartman,"Student atholetes. Hoho, that is brilliant sahr. Now, when we sell their likeness for video games, how do we get around payin' for our slaves uh- ""student atheletes"" then?"
Dean Howland,"Look, there are  good reasons why our student athletes cannot be paid, young man."
Cartman,"I ain't arguin'. If they got paid, then how did we make all owr money, right?"
Dean Howland,"We do  not own slaves, and we have no desire to own slaves."
Cartman,"But of course you own slaves, because, oh... riiight.  Of couse you don't have desire to own slaves, son, neither do I. And if there was any government agency listenin' in on this heah conversation, they should know that we'er not talkin' 'bout slave ownership. Gaauu.  Alright, so now, how do you get around not paying your slaves."
Dean Howland,Get out! This is a prestigious university and I am not saying one more word to you!
Cartman,"You think you can do whatever you want 'cause your corporation is a university?!  This country was founded on the idea that one corporation couldn't hog all the slaves, while the rest of us wallow in poverteh! Screw you sahr, I'm goin' home!"
Kyle,"Here's the thing: Whether or not I'm a part of it, crack baby basketball is popular. Somebody's going to do it. So the only way for me to try and help the situation is to be involved in it, so that I can steer things in a direction that is more beneficial to the actual crack babies.  Oh, it's sooo easy for you, isn't it? I mean, what do you have to do except lay there and think about what you did at school today, or what you want to watch on TV tomorrow? Well sorry, Skippy, but the world isn't always black and white! Just because some people are born poorer than others doesn't mean I can't enjoy a few McDonald's French fries in a hot tub of gravy from Kentucky Fried Chicken!"
Stan,McDonald's French fries in a hot tub of... KFC gravy?
Kyle,It happens to be called poutine in Montreal!
Cartman,"How hard can it be, Clyde?! You walk up to Slash when he's playing at the mall and you offer him a deal!"
Clyde,We must have just missed him. He was playing at Cherry Creek mall and then Flat Irons mall. Now we don't know where to go because Slash is playing the Pavilion in Colorado Springs in the Gigadome in Moscow later this afternoon.
Cartman,How can Slash be playing in Colorado Springs and Moscow at the same time?!
Clyde,We don't know. He's everywhere.
Cartman,"Look, you morons, Slash clearly has a fan club, right?! So just go to the post office, and find out where the mail gets in, and then you'll have Slash's home address!"
Craig,"Oh, that's a good idea."
Cartman,"Yeah it's a good idea! Now go get us Slash for halftime!  Jesus Christ!  Are we the only two intelligent people in this entire company, Kyle? Goddamn!"
Kyle,"Alright Cartman, I've been doin' a lot of thinking about how the company's gonna spend the money we make off the EA Sports deal. We're going to use thirty percent of the money to build an orphanage for the crack babies."
Cartman,...What?
Kyle,"I've designed it to be the best place for them to live. A place where they can finally have the care and happiness they deserve. And if you think it's a bad idea, I really don't care!"
Cartman,"Oh my God... It's genius, Kyle!"
Kyle,...What?
Cartman,"This the answer to our problems! A three hundred thousand dollar building, but we buy ourselves a million dollars' worth of goodwill with the public. We can say we gave our ""student athletes"" a place to live and grow for a few years. It's like moral teflon! I knew we needed a Jew in this company, Kyle! Great work!"
Postmaster,Let me get this straight. You kids want me to tell you where Slash lives?
Craig,"Please sir, it's very important."
Postmaster,"Well I'm afraid I can't do that, kids."
Clyde,But we have a big deal with EA Sports that depends on it.
Postmaster,"Come on! Kids write to Slash every day, but it all just goes into this big pile over here.  The reason I can't tell you where Slash lives is because he don't live nowhere. Don't you ever wonder how Slash can be aaall those places at the same time? It's because he's made up! He-"
Postman,"Don't spoil it for the kids, Marty. It's up to parents to tell their children Slash ain't real."
Roger,Hullo?
Clyde,"Dad, is Slash real or make-believe?"
Roger,Ohh dear. Clyde's asking about Slash.
Betsy,"Oooo well, the day had to come."
Roger,"Clyde, the truth is Slash isn't a person. He's more like a... feeling in your heart, you know?"
Clyde,Slash isn't real.
Craig,Get out of here.
Betsy,"Clyde, sometimes people like to pretend with make-believe characters. He's not really a lie, he's like ahh..."
Roger,Er he's like love. People all over the world dress up like Slash and have different names for Slash. The Dutch call him Vunter Slash.
Clyde,He's made up and people dress like him and pretend to be him to their kids.
Roger,"Your mother's Dutch, you know, Clyde. Ha- how did that old folk song go, honey?"
Betsy,Vunter Slash kapunshka
Both Parents,Shpielerin manshunshka
Kyle,"And so, thirty percent of the money we make off the licensing agreement with EA Sports goes to the orphanage for the needy crack babies. Did you see the blueprints? The babies will have their own putt putt golf course.  Why does it matter how much I'm making, Stan? If the crack babies are getting a place to grow and develop, why does my salary matter?"
Clyde,You guys! You guuys! We've got some bad news. Slash isn't real.
Cartman,What?
Craig,"Slash isn't real. He's a made-up person that represents care and giving, and people dress up like him and lie to their kids."
Butters,Slash is make-believe??
Clyde,"Here, look for yourself.  He's based on the fable of a Dutch saint named Vunter Slash."
Cartman,Vunter Slash?
Kyle,What?
Cartman,"But then, who played at my eighth birthday party?"
Clyde,One of our parents.
Cartman,"But then, who was the guitar player for Guns N' Roses?"
Clyde,One of our parents!
Cartman,Are you fucking serious?
Stan,You guys are ten years old and you just figured out that Slash isn't real? Oh my God.
Cartman,You knew about this??
Stan,My parents told me Slash wasn't real when I was five. Jehesus Christ.
Butters,Well what the heck do we do now?
Kyle,"Look, let's just get our money from EA Sports and get out of this whole thing once and for all!"
Mr. Peters,"Boys, I want to thank you for bringin' the CB double A franchise here to EA Sports. You've made us a lohhht of monih."
Kyle,Wait a minute. According to this you now own all the rights to Crack Baby Basketball and we got nothing.
Mr. Peters,"Yes, our lawyers are damn good. But you didn't get nothin'. Why you boys got experience, didn'tcha? You got a chance to play in the big leagues. Sure, we here at EA might have made all the monih, but you little workers had a chance to make some'in' of yourselves. I'd give you some free video games, but it's against the rules."
Kyle,You can't do this! We were gonna build an orphanage! So the crack babies have somewhere to go!
Mr. Peters,"Oh, well, fuck 'em. And fuck you too. I piss in your faces."
Cartman,"I just can't believe Slash isn't real,"
Butters,I know. It's messin' with my head so hard.
Kyle,"You guys, we've just been screwed over and lied to!"
Cartman,"I know, right? I was always extra good before my birthday too because I was told Slash would come and play for me."
Mr. Peters,"Well boys, this has been real educational and all, but now let's part with that old EA Sports sayin': ""Get the fuck out of my buildin'!"""
Kyle,"It's unbelievable, Stan. EA Sports just used us the entire time. We worked for nothing and EA made all the money. You know, I don't think we actually deserved getting screwed over but, but I guess making tons of money off of people who are making nothing is always gonna cause problems. I know, I know, right? We might've got screwed, but the really tragic thing is that those, those poor crack babies at the hospitals are just gonna be stuck there, with nowhere to go.  No way!  This is it!"
Stan,It's what?
Kyle,"This is it, Stan!  It's just like I designed it. There's the miniature gold course over there! And slides and uh,  excuse me, what is this place?"
Ms. Williams,Isn't it wonderful? All the crack babies will have a home now.
Kyle,But who paid for all this?
Stan,"Kyle, Kyle! Look."
Kyle,You don't think that-? But he isn't real.
Stan,Maybe. Or maybe we haven't been told such a big fib after all.
Child singers,Vunter Slash kapunshka. Shpielerin manshunshka. Het mine gaset rosa. Danka Vunter Slasha
Cartman,"He is real, you guys."
Child singers,Vunter Slash kapunshka. Shpielerin manshunshka. Het mine gaset rosa-
Butters,Hello sir. Postman Butters with a special delivery for you.
Cashier,What's this?
Butters,An all-new sushi restaurant just opened in town. Try their lunch specials.
Cashier,Thanks.
Butters,"You can count on Postman Butters!  Special delivery, ma'am.  Here you are, sir.  Brand new sushi restaurant in town.  A flyer for you, from Postman Butters!"
Tuong Lu Kim,Welcome to Shitty Wok. Can I take a order prease?
Butters,"Hello, sir. Postman Butters here with a special delivery for you."
Tuong Lu Kim,Wha you talking 'bout?
Butters,It's a coupon for a brand-new Asian restaurant that just opened up in town.
Tuong Lu Kim,"A what? Ret me see that!  Oh no, a sushi prace? How come every time a hard-working Chinese man open a business, some shmelly Japanese dog has to come and try invade him?!"
Butters,"Uhhhh I don't know, I'm just bein' paid to hand out flyers."
Tuong Lu Kim,Where is this Japanese-uh toiret bowl?! How far from my Shitty Wok?!
Butters,Wuh you mean the sha-sushi restaurant? Ih-it's right over there.
Tuong Lu Kim,What?! Whaaat?!  What the fuuuck?!
Mr. Takiyama,Welcome to City Sushi. Can I take er order prease?
Tuong Lu Kim,What's the big idea putting your Shitty Sushi right next to my Shitty Wok?!
Mr. Takiyama,I'm sorry I do not understand your accent. You want a Shitty tuna roll?
Tuong Lu Kim,No I don't want Shitty tuna roll! I want you to go find another shitty town to open your Shitty Sushi prace!
Mr. Takiyama,Why don't you please ujust speak Engrish? Maybe I can understand you!
Tuong Lu Kim,"I am speaking Engrish! Why don't you speak a fucking Engrish, you soba eating fuck!"
Mr. Takiyama,Get out or I call porice!
Tuong Lu Kim,"Come on, kid, you don't wanna eat this-a Shitty Sushi! It give you worms."
Mr. Takiyama,Better than Shitty Kung Pao Chicken made from cat!
Steven,Hello?
Sgt. Yates,"Sir, does this mailman belong to you?"
Stephen,"That's my son. Is there a problem, officer?"
Sgt. Yates,"There's been an Asian turf war, sir, and your son appears to have caused it."
Stephen,What?! An Asian turf war- Butters! You are grounded!
Butters,"But sir, i was just handing out coupons for-"
Stephen,Don't talk back to me!
Sgt. Yates,"We'll send a bill for the damages,  but in the meantime, please keep a closer eye on your child, sir?"
Stephen,"Go up to your room, now!"
Linda,What's going on?
Stephen,Butters started an Asian turf war!
Linda,"Oh, for the love of Pete! What is wrong with that boy?"
Stephen,"I don't know, but it's clear it isn't our parenting! We're awesome! He must have mental problems. I think we'd batter have him checked out, Linda."
Stephen,Well Dr. Janus?
Dr. Janus,I'm afraid I have some bad news. Your son is suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder.
Linda,What?
Dr. Janus,"There are several distinct personalities going on in there. One is named ""Postman Butters"" and yet another is ""Fireman Butters."" And then there's even ""Inspector Butters"" and uh, ""Professor Chaos""."
Linda,Oh my God!
Dr. Janus,"From what I gather, he seems to mostly jump in and out of personalities when he's outside playing. Sometimes he's a cowboy and other times he's an Indian, and the two seem to be at constant odds."
Linda,"Oh, poor Butters!"
Stephen,"Doctor, what can we do? Should we ground him?"
Dr. Janus,"No, I don't think grounding him would do much good at this point.  What your son needs now is lots of tender loving... medication. Heavy medication."
Field Reporter,"Tom, a brand new sushi place has opened in South Park, adding to our booming Asian district. With the addition of the new Chinese restaurant, townspeople are officially naming this whole Chinatown area ""Little Tokyo."""
Tuong Lu Kim,What the fuuuck?!  You see what happen?!
Mr. Takiyama,I told you not to come in here!
Tuong Lu Kim,Now everyone in town think a Chinese and a Japanese are the same fucking thing!
Mr. Takiyama,I don't even know what the fuck you are saying! Uhpupuh putuh peepee!
Tuong Lu Kim,Aaah you Japanese racist!
Linda,"Stephen! Stephen, come quick! It's butters!  Look!"
Butters,"Honk honk! Breaker 1-9, breaker 1-9. It's clean clear out to Flagtown! Looks like we got ourselves a convoy! Honk honk!"
Linda,Now he thinks he's a truck driver.
Stephen,Oh God the medication isn't working!
Butters,"It's okay, buddy, you've got a smokey on your tail, bug Big Rig Butters is here to help! Vroovrooom."
Stephen,Butters! Butters!!  BUTTERRRRS!
Butters,Oh hey Dad.
Stephen,You're back. You're back-he's back!  I love you son!
Butters,"I love you too, Dad."
Stephen,You're going to be okay Butters! You hear me?! YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY!
Mr. Takiyama,"Youuu, get out! I told you not to come in here!"
Tuong Lu Kim,"Okay, whoa, just hold a minute, hold a minute. I come ina peace."
Mr. Takiyama,I don't berieve you!
Tuong Lu Kim,"Come on, rook! All this fighting, it's just to sirry, you know? Chinese anda Japanese been fighting for so rong. It'sa ridicurous. What we need... is to have a tweaty."
Mr. Takiyama,What is tweaty?
Tuong Lu Kim,"Nono, we need a tweaty."
Mr. Takiyama,A tweaty?
Tuong Lu Kim,"No, not a treaty, a tweaty!"
Mr. Takiyama,"Oh, you mean a treaty?"
Tuong Lu Kim,What the fuck is a tweaty?
Mr. Takiyama,"No no, a treaty."
Tuong Lu Kim,"A tweaty?  Rook rook. All these racist people thinka that a Chinese and a Japanese are the same, right? So you and me, we put on a big assembry for all the kids are school, and then everyone understand curtural difference. You know, so they know fried rice isn't from Japan and teriyaki isn't from China."
Customer,Teriyaki isn't from China?
Tuong Lu Kim,"No, teriyaki isn't froma fucking China!"
Mr. Takiyama,Very well. I will do assembly with you.
Tuong Lu Kim,"Oh really? Oh great.  Okay, I'll meet you tomorrow and we can go over our prans.  And when you get to that assembry, you gonna get big surprise, you Japanese dog."
Dr. Janus,"Butters, when you were playing in the yard yesterday, do you remember becoming someone named... Big Rig Butters?"
Butters,Sure.
Dr. Janus,What makes Big Rig Butters come out? Did somebody hurt him? Did he do something bad he can't forgive himself for?
Butters,"Uh, no, he's pretty much just a truck driver."
Dr. Janus,"You don't know. But, maybe somebody else in there does. Do you think it would be possible for me to speak with... Inspector Butters?"
Butters,Sure.
Dr. Janus,I'm now speaking to the person known as Inspector Butters.
Butters,"Inspector Butters is on the case! Heheh, he this is fun."
Dr. Janus,"Inspector Butters, what do you want?"
Butters,"Uh, well, to solve mysteries."
Dr. Janus,"And is there someone else living with you, someone named... Professor Chaos?"
Butters,"Oh well, sure, uh he's the bringer of destruction and evil!"
Dr. Janus,"He's a bad man. He doesn't like Butters, does he? Does Professor Chaos want to murder Butters?"
Butters,What? Why would I do that?
Dr. Janus,Who am I speaking to now?
Butters,"Me, Butters."
Dr. Janus,"Ah, Butters. You're back."
Butters,"Sir, I'm confused."
Dr. Janus,"I know you are. This is going to sound scary, pal, but... you have people living inside your head. And some of them want to murder you."
Butters,Really?
Dr. Janus,"Yes, I'm afraid you're a little sick. But it's okay, because together we're going to get you well."
Alias 1,Don't listen to Dr. Janus! He's a mean old man and a big silly grown up.
Butters,Pardon me?
Alias 1,He's just a big old stick in the mud who doesn't like to play.
Dr. Janus,"Don't mind him, Butters. Billy's a pretty messed up kid. He was molested by his uncles."
Psycho Janus,Dr. Janus isn't going to be alive for long! I'm going to kill him!
Dr. Janus,"Now, what are the things that make you happy, Butters? What's the matter, Butters? Are you still with us? Is one of your other personalities trying to take over?"
Billy,Le's play Battleship! All hands on the poop deck!
Psycho Janus,Your soul will bleed for eternity!
Alias 2,"You don't even know what sexy is, Mr. Harrison."
Alias 3,That Big Red freshness lasts right through it!
Alias 4,The horned toad says we should go to Mexico.
Dr. Janus,"What are you feeling, Butters? Are you nervous about your condition?"
Butters,Yes!
Butters,"This... is Butters. It's Wednesday night at 9 p.m. From what I understand, there are people living inside my head and they want to kill me. It must be true, because now every night I wet the bed. So tonight I'm gonna leave the camera on to see what exactly I become while I am sleeping."
Butters,"Oh man, this is freaky. Like that movie Paranormal."
Butters,"Well goodnight for now.  Goodnight, Butters."
Butters,"Goodnight, Butters. Hmm. Alright, I guess I'm goin' to fast-forward.  Dr. Janus?"
Butters,Mom! Dad! I wet the bed again!
Butters,"Oh, sweet jumping Jesus!"
Mr. Mackey,"Okay, kids, today we have a special assembly, m'kay. Today we're going to learn about ""the diversity of Asian people."" Please welcome Mr. Lu Kim and Mr. Junichi Takiyama."
Tuong Lu Kim,"Ni hao ma, South Park Erementary?!"
Mr. Takiyama,Konnichiwa?!
Tuong Lu Kim,"How are we arr feering?!  Hey, Mr. Takiyama, did you know that China and Japan are actually uh different countries?"
Mr. Takiyama,"Oh, rearry?  Hey, that ruhight. If you ook at map, you can see."
Tuong Lu Kim,"This whoooore thing is China, and Japan is this riiittle bitty country over here. And that's why the Japanese always try anda take over China!"
Mr. Takiyama,What?!
Tuong Lu Kim,The Japanese planned to kill people in Nanking! The only thing Japanese ruve more than killing people is killing themselves! Suicide rate in Japan sky-high!
Mr. Takiyama,Fuck you!
Tuong Lu Kim,"""Oh no, I'm a Japanese and I had a bad day! I think I'm gonna kill myself!"""
Dr. Janus,"Oh, hello Butters. I wasn't expecting you till 5:30."
Butters,"Uh, yeah, Dr. Janus, I wanted to give you something. You remember how you told me if I got myself on video it might help me with my problem?"
Dr. Janus,Yes. did you catch something?
Butters,"Well yeah ah, I saw you pissing in my face."
Dr. Janus,"Oh, so you're on to me, huh you little shit?!"
Butters,Huh?
Dr. Janus,"What, Inspector butters figured out I set him up?!"
Butters,"Well no, ah I just thought it was one of your other personalities trying to give me a-"
Dr. Janus,"Oh come on! You think multiple personality disorder is real?! I've been using that to scam this town for seven years! Now I gotta get out of here, thanks to you! But I'm getting one last heist before I go, and you're gonna help me!"
Dr. Janus,"Get in there! Move it, asshole!"
Butters,This is illegal. We could get arrested.  Oh Jesus!
Dr. Janus,"They're all idiots! The vault! Get to the vault! Come on! Go! Movie it!  Get this on and get in that vault! That's where the real good are!   Torch that door, do you hear me?! I'll kill your parents! I'll kill your friends! I said get that fucking door open!"
Butters,"I'm trying, sir!"
Dr. Janus,"Butters? Butters, what are you doing? What is that? A blowtorch? Put that down! You're having another episode!"
Butters,What?
Dr. Janus,Butters. Your name is Butters! Try and remember!
Butters,"But you said to uh, but I got to uh, and then, you told me tuh..."
Dr. Janus,"Oh boy, you've really done it this time. I know it's not your fault, but I'm sorry. I'm going to have to alert the authorities, pal."
Dr. Janus,"We have to try and understand that he can't help what he's doing, officer. He probably has no memory of it at all."
Sgt. Yates,"Well, at least everything is accounted for. Thank God you came when you did, Dr. Janus."
Steven,"Breaking into a store, Butters?! What are you?!"
Sgt. Yates,"Well I suppose there's no need for jail, Mr. and Mrs. Stotch, so long as you ground your son."
Steven,"Oh, we'll ground the shit out of him, detective. Thank you so much."
Tuong Lu Kim,Herro-o.
Mr. Takiyama,You get the fuck out of my place!
Tuong Lu Kim,"Okay, hold on, hold on, please! I'ma sorry, okay? I'm sorry. I admit it. I fucked you at the assembly. How about you and me together do an Asian Diversity festival?"
Mr. Takiyama,Get the fuck out before I call police!
Tuong Lu Kim,"Please, I admitting it, okay?I fucked you at assembly. There's no way around it. It was verrry sneaky. Kind of like Pearl Harbor. Okay? That was a little sneaky too, huh? Pearl Harbor kind of sneaky; I think we can all be a rittle sneaky sometimes, hm? But that sneaky Chinese man? He's gone! Okay? Okay, if we can have Asian Diversity festival, then we no longer have to deal witha ""recial stereotypes."" Prease."
Mr. Takiyama,"Against my better judgment, I will trust you one more time. But this time, you'd better not rub your hands together when you turn around to walk away."
Tuong Lu Kim,"Okay, see you tomorrow.  And on that Asian Diversity day you're gonna get a rittle surprise, you Japanese dog."
Butters,"That does it, you hear me?! I am through with all of you! No more Postman Butters, No more Inspector Butters, no more Porn Star Butters, no more Professor Chaos, and no more-  Waaahh!"
Dr. Janus,"Butters please! It's me, Billy! You've gotta help!  Please, Butters, I've tried to tell old Dr. Janus that we're in danger, but Dr. Janus doesn't rrealize thaere's a problem!  The mean man that lives in our head is trying to take over for good!"
Butters,"Um, excuse me?"
Dr. Janus,No no nonono! Don't call out for help!  He's got a gun.
Butters,Wahh!
Dr. Janus,If you draw any attention he'll kill us!
Butters,"Please, Billy, ah I'm just a kid too. I can't help you."
Dr. Janus,"No, you can't. But you know somebody who can. Inspector Butters."
Butters,What??
Dr. Janus,You've got to become Inspector Butters again and help me find out what the mean man wants.
Butters,No! You told me NOT to play Inspector Butters!
Dr. Janus,You don't understand! For some reason the mean man is getting stronger. You have to help me find out how to stop him! Please!
Field Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing in the heart of South Park's Little Tokyo, where the multitude of our town's Chinese are putting on a festival. Both of them have gone all out to celebrate Asian culture. The owner of Shitty Wok has actually paid for what he calls ""a tower of peace.""  to symbolize harmony between the two restaurants"
A Woman,"Mr. Takiyama, a note for you."
Tuong Lu Kim,"Konnichiwa, my fine Japanese friend. It's so great that Chinese and Japanese are finarry getting arong. We should take our picture together on top of the Tower of Peace. I'm up there waiting for you now.  Prease, come meet me on top of the Tower of Peace. It would be rearry nice.  Yesss, and when you get to the top of that tower you're gonna get a rittle surprise, you Japane- Oh, sorry. Anyway, see you on top of tower!"
Dr. Janus,"Dr. Janus sure has a big house, dudn't he? He's planning on hurting people; I just know it!"
Butters,"It's okay, Billy, we're gonna get to the bottom of this."
Dr. Janus,"This is kinda fun. You're Inspector Butters and I'm your faithful assistant, Dr. Watson!"
Butters,"Well alright, Watson, well let's find out what we need to and get out of here!"
Dr. Janus,"Yeah!  Butteers, what are you doing in my house?"
Butters,Hah?
Dr. Janus,"Oh dear. It's okay, Butters. You just think you're Inspector Butters right now."
Butters,Aw man.
Dr. Janus,"Come on, let's get you home.  Where are ya gon', Butters?"
Butters,"Oh, come on!"
Dr. Janus,"You aren't leaving here, Inspector! None of you are!"
Butters,AAAAAAAAAAA!  AAAAAAAAAAA!
Dr. Janus,"Butters, come on! Try and come back to us!  You can't run forever!  Excuse me, did someone order a pizza?  Yes, that was me, but I'm a little busy at the moment. I'll be right back!  You'll never turn me in, Inspector Butters! You're dead!"
Butters,Waaaa!
Tuong Lu Kim,"You wanna take over my Shitty Woookk?! Hory crap, what time is it?  Oh no, I'm rate!"
Mr. Takiyama,What took you so long?!
Tuong Lu Kim,"Yes, I'm afraid my Tower of Peace was a rittle bit of trickery, Mr. Japanese dog. I'm going to put an end to you, and everyone gonna think it's just because you did what Japanese people ruve doing most. ""No, don't do it! Don't kill yourself, prease!"""
Mr. Takiyama,Urgh. Fuck you! I'ma not trying to kill myself!
Tuong Lu Kim,"""No, don't do it, prease!""  ""So much to rive for!"""
Sgt. Yates,This is South Park Police!
Tuong Lu Kim,Porice?! How?!
Sgt. Yates,"We know the truth, Dr. Janus!"
Mr. Takiyama,Thisa Chinise rat trying to kill me!
Sgt. Yates,He's not Chinese! He's white!
Tuong Lu Kim,What the fuck you talkin' about?!
Sgt. Yates,Your name is Dr. Janus!
Tuong Lu Kim,"You people crazy!  Listen to them! It's true!  Truth hurts, doesn't it, Janus!  Who are you people?! Why are you all here?!"
Mr. Takiyama,"How could I ret myself berieve what man was a Chinese?! I have brought shame upon myself!  Nooooo, this is racist stereotaipuuu!"
Steven,So you're telling us that Dr. Janus has been the owner of City Wok all this time?
Sgt. Yates,"That's right. Of all his multiple personalities, the strongest was Lu Kim. And we never would have known... if it hadn'ta been for Inspector Butters."
Butters,Thanks. I'm just glad the whole thing is over and done. Maybe now poor old Dr. Janus can finally get the help he needs.
Steven,"Yes Butters. Thanks to you, maybe Dr. Janus can get back to his real self."
Sgt. Yates,"Yes, I'm sure he could. But, then again,  does the world really need another therapist?"
Steven,Whattaya mean?
Sgt. Yates,"Well I mean, would it really be so bad for us to just let him go on thinking he's Lu Kim forever? Now that City Sushi is gone, City Wok is the only Chinese restaurant left in town."
Desk Officer,Oh yeah.
Black Officer,Yeah. Let's just let him keep believing he's a Chinese man.
Sgt. Yates,Done!
Other Officers,Good! Alright! Alright! Yeah!
Blond Officer,"Detective, he's asking for a blanket. Is that alright?"
Sgt. Yates,Go ahead. We're gonna process him and get him back to the restaurant.
Tuong Lu Kim,"Thank you.  ""Oooooo, I hate Japanese people! They try and shut down my Shitty Wok, but they never wiiiiill. They're probably all ratching me, the Japanese. Ret them! I'm not even gonan swat that fryyy. They'll see. And they'll say 'Wow, that Shitty Wok owner. Why, he wouldn't even harm a fryyyyy.'"""
Boys,Yay!
Cartman,"Alright now, open presents! Open presents!"
Butters,Yeah! Open mine first Stan! It's the red one!
Cartman,Where's mine? Where's mine where's mine where's mine?
Liane,"Here you go, sweetie."
Cartman,Yaaaay!
Kyle,Wait wait it-it's Stan's birthday.
Liane,"Yes. Every time somebody gets a birthday present Eric gets one too.  Otherwise, he gets a little upset."
Cartman,What'd I get what'd I get what'd I get?
Kyle,Oh God...
Stan,"Oh cool, Legos. Thanks, Butters."
Butters,I know how you like Legos. Happy birthday!
Cartman,"Oh cool! I got a racing game for Xbox!  D'you guys see that? Coool, huh?"
Kyle,"Here, this one's from me, Stan."
Stan,"Oh thanks, dude."
Cartman,"Stan's getting another present, Mom."
Liane,"Here you are, muffin."
Cartman,"Yaaaay!  Oh cool, look. A Ben 10 Wrist Rocket! This is exactly what I wanted for Stan's birthday! What'd you get Stan?"
Stan,"Oh cool, is this the new Gersploosh album?"
Kyle,Yeah dude!
Sharon,"Uh, hold it. Is that a Tween Wave band?"
Kyle,Yeah they're the best!
Sharon,"Sorry, Stan. you know you're not allowed to listen to this stuff."
Stan,"Mom, I'm 10 years old now."
Sharon,"I've told you what I think of this music, Stanley. You have plenty of other gifts to enjoy."
Cartman,"Looks like somebody's on the rag, huh Mom?"
Randy,Sharon? Stan told me you took away his music CD at his birthday party.
Sharon,"Oh for crying out loud, I gave him a great party and that's all he cares about."
Randy,"Well, do you really thnk we should be telling our son what music he can and can't listen to?"
Sharon,"Yes I do, if it's that stupid Tween Wave garbage!"
Randy,Tween Wave?
Sharon,You haven't heard it? It's terrible! It's hardly even music; it just sounds like crap!
Randy,"Sharon, come on. Don't you remember being younger and having our parents say the music we liked sounded like crap?"
Sharon,This is different!
Randy,...So. Here we are. Now we're the old people who think the younger generation's music sounds like shit.
Sharon,"It's... not because I'm older. I'm telling you, our music is better."
Randy,"""Back in my day our music was better! Not this garbage the young 'un listen to. Warber warber warber."""
Sharon,"Fine, Randy!  You go listen to it and tell me you don't think it sounds like crap!"
Randy,"I'd love to. I'm not an old fuddy-duddy, Sharon. I'm still cool."
Sharon,"Well, it sounds like crap, right?!"
Randy,Uh... NO I mean...  I like it.
Sharon,Oh come on! That music sounds like shit!
Randy,"No, it's just... young and hip so you don't get it, Sharon."
Sharon,"Admit it, Randy! You think it sounds like crap too!"
Randy,It doesn't sound like crap at all! I think it's awesome!
Anchorman,"It's called Tween Wave, and if you're a parent your kids are probably listening to it. A new music genre for the era from 2009 through 2012. or ""The Tweens."" Every generation has their music, but many parents say Tween Wave sounds like crap."
Man 1,"It's just vulgar and stupid, you know? Music used to be good."
Woman 1,This sounds like poo.
Man 2,I certainly don't understand kids' music today. Sounds like diarrhea to me.
Anchorman,Kids however say they don't hear crap at all.
Kid 1,Parents are dumb.
Kid 2,They don't get it.
Kid 1,They don't get it. Parents are stupid.
Kid 3,Tween Wave is swick.
Kid 4,"Tweem Wave is super swick and parents don't get it, 'cause their ears are old."
Kid 5,Parents are dumb.
Sharon,"We're sorry boys, but we have all decided that as of now, none of you are allowed to listen to Tween Wave music."
Randy,"Ugh, that's so unfair!"
Kyle,But that's our music! We like it!
Randy,Yeah it's good!
Sheila,What's good about a bunch of crap sounds to a drumbeat?
Stan,We don't know what you're talking about! It doesn't sound that way to us!
Randy,"Yeah it, it doesn't sound like that to us."
Gerald,I wanna educate you kids with some real music.  This is The Police. Now you compare this to Tween pop and tell us which one you think is real music.
The Boys,Yuck!
Randy,What?
Stan,That sounds like shit!
Gerald,Whattaya mean it sounds like shit? This doesn't sound like shit.
Kyle,Gross!
Cartman,Turn it off dude!
Sharon,"Stanley I want you to understand that even though I won't let you listen to certain kinds of music, I still love you."
Stan,"I know, Mom. I love you too."
Sharon,"Soon you'll be old enough to make your own choices, but for now, I just don't want you listening to that stuff."
Stan,"It's okay, Mom. I understand."
Sharon,"That's very mature of you, Stanley. Goodnight, sweetie."
Stan,'Night.  Haha.  Ugh.  What the hell?
Kyle,"Oh dude! Dude, this is the part I was talking about. Check out the bassline on this!"
Cartman,"Oh yeah, that one's cool.  Yeah, this part's killer."
Kyle,Hey Stan.
Stan,Hey dudes.
Kyle,"Dude, have you really listened to the sixth track? I think it's my new favorite."
Stan,"Yeah, yeah I've listened to it. Um, Kyle, can I talk to you alone for a second?"
Kyle,Sure.  What's up?
Stan,"Kyle, I have to admit something to you. You know how I told you over the phone I like the new Gersploosh album? I lied. I don't like it. I don't like it at all, Kyle."
Kyle,Oh. Really? Um well that's okay.
Stan,"No, you don't understand dude. Something's happened. Tween Wave doesn't sound the same to me."
Kyle,Why? What's it sound like?
Stan,It... kind of sounds like shit.
Kyle,"What? You mean like you don't like the singing, or the lyrics, or what?"
Stan,"No. I mean it sounds like somebody is shitting in my ears. Please, just listen really close.  You don't hear shit?"
Kyle,No.
Stan,That doesn't sound like shit to you?
Kyle,"NO. Dude, maybe you should see a doctor."
Stan,"And so then I put on exactly the same album that I really like a year ago, and it sounded like shit to me."
Doctor,"Uh huh, and what about food? Are some of the things you thought tasted good tasting like shit to you now, too?"
Stan,"Yeah. I used to love these Pop Rock things, and I tried them the other day and I thought they tasted like shit."
Doctor,This says you had a birthday recently?
Stan,I just turned 10.
Doctor,"Well, that makes sense. You see Stan, as you get older, your eardrums, taste buds, all that stuff develops and changes."
Stan,So this is normal?
Doctor,It's very normal. Let's just do a quick ear exam. I'm gonna play some Tween Wave music and you tell me what you hear.  What's that sound like to you?
Stan,Sounds like shit.
Doctor,Aha. Now I'm going to play you some good ole Bob Dylan.
Stan,Uh that sounds like shit too.
Doctor,"Wait, this sounds like shit to you?"
Stan,"Yeah dude, it's just shit."
Doctor,"Well that's very strange.  Hm, I'm gonna try somethin' else.  Look at these two pictures. One of them is an ad for Kevin James' new movie The Zookeeper, and the other is a turd in a microwave. Which one is the ad for The Zookeeper?"
Stan,They both look the same.
Doctor,You don't see any difference in the pictures?
Stan,No.
Doctor,That is an ad for The Zookeeper and  that is a turd about to be reheated.
Stan,They both look like turds about to be reheated to me.
Doctor,"Oh dear. I think I know what this is. You see Stan, as you get older, things that you used to like start looking and sounding like shit. And things that seemed shitty as a child don't seem as shitty. With you, somehow, the wires have gotten crossed and everything looks and sounds like shit to you. It's a condition called ""being a cynical asshole."""
Stan,Oh no.
Doctor,"Yes. And there's no known cure, I'm afraid. Everything just seems shitty, and everyone starts to seem shitty, and everything they say just starts to"
Sharon,"Randy, do you mind cleaning up the garage like I asked you?"
Randy,Get out of my room! I'm listening to my music! Gau!
Sharon,"Stop pretending to like the kids' music, Randy! It's pathetic! You know damn well it sounds like crap to you too!"
Randy,No it doesn't sound like crap to me!  Ugh.
Sharon,"Randy, don't you see what this is? You had dreams of being a rock star when you were younger, now you can't admit the next generation's music sounds shitty, it's called ""getting older"", Randy. It's okay."
Randy,"That's not true! I think Tween Wave music is complex and awesome and it speaks to my youthful rebellious spirit, Sharon!"
Sharon,"It's crap, Randy! It's so simple and stupid that anybody could play it!"
Randy,Anybody could play it. Do you really think so?
Randy,"Hey everybody. Wanna thank you all for coming tonight. My name's Steamy Ray Vaughn and here's a little bit of Rattlesnake.  A-1 2 3 4! I've got a fever but it's under control!  I said I've got a fever need to take it kind of slow  I've got a fever but it's out of control. Ga ga, ga ga, la ga ga ga."
Bar Patron,You suck!
Randy,"No, you just don't understand Tween Wave 'cause you're old!"
Janitor/Farmer 1,Did you know we're livin' in the Tween time?
Farmer 2,"Nah, I'd a heard that."
Janitor/Farmer 1,Guess it's the period between 2009 and 2013. They call it the Tweens. So they got this feller down at the bowling alley? He gets up on the stage an' shits his britches.
Farmer Friend 2,What fer?
Janitor/Farmer 1,I don't know. But he gets up there and strums a gueetar and then starts loadin' his britches up like it's goin' out of style.  It's like some kind of britches holocaust. Feller calls himself Steamy Ray Vaughn.
Farmer 2,You mean that guy that plays the blues and died in an airplane crash?
Janitor/Farmer 1,Nnooh. That's Stevie Ray Vaughn. Steamy Ray Vaughn just shits his britches.
Cartman,"Ohooh dude, sweet! Tackle him!"
Kenny,(Get him!)
Kyle,"Alright guys, do you think he's lying or telling the truth?"
Cartman,"He's lying, dude. Hit X"
Kenny,"(No, he's telling the truth)"
Stan,Hey guys.
Kyle,"Hey, Stan. What did the doctor say?"
Stan,He said I have cynicism?
Kyle,What's that?
Stan,"Something you can get when you get older but, it's stupid. I'm not cynical. All the doctor wants is a paycheck. I went to him for help and he just stood there spouting a bunch of shit."
Kyle,"Oh. Well, come on, we're playing L.A. Noire."
Stan,"Agh, that shitty game? Who plays video games to listen to a bunch of characters talk and press the X button?"
Cartman,"Oh, ask him about the murder now, Kyle."
Kyle,"Yeah, we got him!"
Stan,How can people say this game is cool? It doesn't even matter what choices you make.
Kenny,"(Hit the X button, Kyle!)"
Kyle,We're gonna level up to detective!
Stan,That's such a shitty device to keep people playing.
Kyle,"Alright, ahhh, why don't we do something else?"
Stan,"Aw, dude, this looks like shit."
Kyle,You don't wanna eat it?
Stan,"It just looks like shit to me, a bunch of processed, gooey shit."
Cartman,Look like ice cream to me.
Kyle,"Erm, okay, I know. How about we go to the mall?"
Stan,"Ugh, bunch of people trying to sell us a bunch of shit."
Kyle,"Ugh, okay Stan, what do you wanna do?"
Stan,"What, oh I don't care, I'm cool with whatever."
Randy,"City bog. Too much, too much city bop. Too much too much too much"
Farmer Friend 2,"Lord, I ain't never seen britches take a whoopin' like that."
Janitor/Farmer 1,I told you. Them britches don't stand a chance.
Randy,"City bop! City yeah!  Thank you! Thank you so much! I'd like to uh, bring up a special guest now. The other night I was chatting in a Tween Wave chatroom, because I do love Tween Wave so much, and I uh started chattin' with this nice lady who also really like her kids' Tween Wave music and... turns out she's a real talented artist as well. Please welcome Miss Steamy Nicks."
Steamy Nicks,"Thank you, thank you so much."
Farmer Friend 2,"Wait now, who's that lady?"
Janitor/Farmer 1,That there's Steamy Nicks.
Farmer Friend 2,"You mean that gal who played for Fleetwood Mac and wrote that song ""Landslide""?"
Janitor/Farmer 1,"Nnooh, that's Stevie Nicks. Steamy Nicks just shits her britches."
Randy,Yoyoyo!
Sharon,"Who the hell is that woman, Randy?! What the hell do you think you're doing?!"
Janitor/Farmer 1,I agree. Why don't you leave them poor britches alone?
Farmer Friend 2,Them britches have had enough!
Waitress,All alone today?
Stan,Yeah it sucks. All my friends are sick with the flu.
Waitress,"Well, what can I get you?"
Stan,Do you have anything on the menu that doesn't taste like shit?
Waitress,"A little young to be so pessimistic, aren't ya kid?"
Stan,"Why? There's nothing but shit on TV, video games are all shit, and the world's a big turd. The only thing that doesn't seem like total shit to me are my friends, and they're all sick. Just, get me a cheeseburger and tell the chef to go easy on the shit."
Kyle,I know! That's so hilarious!
Stan,I thought you guys were sick!
Cartman,"...Uh we'll let you catch up to us, Kyle. Come on, Kenny."
Stan,"Dude, you totally lied to me!"
Kyle,"No, ah I didn't lie to you. Ah I was um... uh I felt better and then the guys called and said that they felt better and uh-"
Stan,Where were you guys going?!
Kyle,"Alright dude, we were going to the movies."
Stan,Why didn't you tell me? I wanna go to the movies.
Kyle,"Look, Stam, we-we just wanted to be able to go to the movies and enjoy ourselves, you know? I'm sorry but... you're a bummer to be around. Everything is ""that looks like shit"" and, and ""this is shitty!"""
Stan,You guys... don't wanna be around me?
Kyle,"Look dude, it's just one movie. We wanna have a good time."
Stan,"Please, Kyle, I can change my attitude. I promise. Let me go to the movies with you."
Kyle,Okay. But you've gotta promise to not complain.
Stan,I won't say a word.
Stan,Oh shit.
Stan,"Jesus, how long before they start this Goddamned thing?!"
Cartman,"Oh cool, the movie trailers!"
Announcer,Adam Sandler is Jack. Adam Sandler is Jill.
Stan,Awww God!
Kyle,"Dude, you said you wouldn't say everything looked like shit!"
Stan,"Sorry if I see things for what they are! Ok- okay, okay, I'm sorry."
Announcer,"This November, Adam Sandler shits in your eyes, ears, and mouth.  It's Adam Sandler in Pbbbbbt, rated Arg for pirates. Fuck you!"
Cartman,That looks pretty good.
Stan,How can you say that looks good?!
Kyle,"Shhh, you're doing it again!"
Announcer,Jim Carrey has a bunch of turds in his apartment.
Stan,Ugh.
Cartman,"Stan, knock it off!"
Stan,But it's just crap.
Kyle,"No, they're penguins! Stop it!"
Announcer,"It's Jim Carrey in Whatever, You'll Pay To Go See It. Fuck you! July 12."
Announcer,"The President of the United States... is a duck??  A duck is President and the whole country is goin' to the dogs.  Or whatever, the President is a dog.  Who cares? Coming June something."
Stan,"Oh come on, people!"
Kyle,"That's it, Stan! I'm not sitting through a whole movie with you!"
Stan,"Oh dude dude wait, I'm sorry."
Cartman,"No, Kyle's right. You suck, dude."
Stan,Me?! Did you see that shit?!
Stan,Hang on guys!
Cartman,"Dude, we don't wanna hang out with you anymore! Get it through your head!"
Stan,Kyle?
Kyle,"Dude, you've... you've changed."
Stan,"I haven't changed, the world has. Don't you see it?"
Kyle,"No. And I don't want to. Look Stan, maybe we should fo-"
Randy,"You don't get it, Sharon! You never have! And that's supposed to be my fault?!"
Sharon,"Yes, it IS your fault, Randy, because you're a child!"
Randy,"I'm sick of everything I do being so wrong, Sharon!"
Sharon,"... You're 42 years old, Randy!"
Randy,"I'm not dead yet Sharon, but you might be!"
Sharon,Oh is that what you think?! That I'm dead?!
Farmer Friend 2,What do you suppose is goin' on in there?
Janitor/Farmer 1,Sound like Steamy Ray Vaughn is goin' at it with his wife over Steamy Nicks.
Farmer Friend 2,You... sure you wanna do this?
Janitor/Farmer 1,"We got to now, if their fightin' is our best chance tuh save them britches."
Sharon,You do this all the time! First you're obsessed with baseball fights! Then you need to play Warcraft! Then you gotta be a celebrity chef!
Randy,Why can't you ever just support me?!
Sharon,Support what?! Another stupid dream of yours?!
Randy,"Face it Sharon, our son turned 10 and you feel old!"
Sharon,WHAT does our son turning 10 have to do with you making the same mistakes again and again?!
Randy,"Because I'm unhappy, okay?! I've been unhappy for a long time!"
Sharon,"I'm unhappy too. We both are, obviously. How much longer can we keep doing this? It's like, the same shit just happens over and over and, then in a week it just all resets until- it happens again. Every week it's kind of the same story in a different way but it, it just keeps getting more and more ridiculous."
Janitor/Farmer 1,"Come on britches, we're settin' you free."
Randy,I don't know if I've changed or you have. I just feel like I might not have a whole lot of time left and... I want to enjoy it.
Sharon,"I want to enjoy it too, but... I can't fake it anymore. You just seem kind of shitty to me."
Randy,You kind of seem shitty to me too.
Sharon,"People get older, Randy. People grow apart."
Big Harry,"Oh that's funny, that's real funny. Big Harry and Mike in the Morning talkin' about the new hit movie , a great comedy, starring  and ."
Mike,"I saw the movie last night, Big Harry, and it made me laugh so hard! This movie's about a  heh, he was suddenly all like  Aw, man it's great!"
Big Harry,Big Harry and Mike in the Morning. We'll talk more about it but let's get to some music. The new Tween Wave band  with their song
Announcer,"Coming this fall to Fox/CBS/FX. Jurassic Park and Lost in the same TV show!   Dinosaurs!  Lost Humans!  Future, yes!"
Sharon,"Stanley, eat your waffles."
Kyle,Oh shut up Cartman! You don't even know what you're talking about!
Cartman,"Oh yeah! I saw it on the news, Kyle! The school is gonna make us all get shots again!  But this time it's so that we don't get warts in our vaginas!"
Kenny,(Are you serious?!)
Cartman,Yep!
Kyle,"That's only a vaccination for girls, stupid!"
Cartman,Then why are they sayin' that gettin' vaccinated at school is gonna make us all retarded?
Kyle,Because some people think vaccinations can give you autism or Asperger's!
Cartman,Wait what?
Kyle,That's what they're talking about on the news!
Cartman,"Wait, there's a disease called Assburgers?"
Kyle,Yes!
Cartman,You are so lying! There's no disease called fuckin' Assburgers!
Kyle,You wanna bet?  Let's go ask my Dad right now!
Cartman,"Okay, you're on, Jew!"
Mr. Garrison,"And so children, at noon today, all the girls will go to the gymnasium for their vaccinations, and boys will head on out to recess."
Butters,Do the girls get their shots right in the vagina?
Mr. Garrison,"No. Butters, that's not how it works."
Officer Barbrady,"Mr. Garrison,  these three boys were caught playing hooky."
Cartman,Did you guys know there's actually a disease called Assburgers?
Mr. Garrison,"Sit down boys, we'll talk about this later. Right now we're talking about vaginal warts."
Wendy,This isn't fair! How can the school make us get vaccinated?
Butters,You mean little hamburgers grow in your butthole?
Cartman,"That's right, it's a butt fungus."
Butters,Well I don't want burgers comin' out of my butt!
Stan,"God, shut up! Everyone just shut the fuck up!"
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, Stan, you, you've gotta try and pull yourself out of this, m'kay? I know that... your parents recently got divorced. M'kay, that's gotta be hard. I know that's... that's bad. But when you walk around all mopey, m'kay, and sayin' everything is... just shitty, well, that's called bein' a Debbie Downer, Stan. And nobody likes a Debbie Downer, m'kay. ...I mean you've gotta, you've gotta snap out of it, Debbie. Come on, Debbie, you're even bummin' me out now, m'kay? Your attitude just- just sucks."
Stan,I just want everything to go back to the way it was.
Mr. Mackey,"Okay, well, that's not gonna happen, Debbie. Okay, you know, uh life, life has to change, m'kay?"
Stan,"How?... When all the things that made you laugh, just make you sick. How do you go on when nothing makes you happy?"
Mr. Mackey,"Huh... e-excuse me a minute, Stan. m'kay?  Uh, hi, Ms. Bronski? Did we vaccinate Stan for the flu last year? We did? Uh oh... I think he's got Asperger's."
Announcer,"This is breaking news, from CNN! Or Fox or, whatever.  Fuck you."
Anchor,"The first documented case of a child developing Asperger's Syndrome from school vaccinations  has put the government in a tight spot.  At a press conference today the media heard from the young boy's father, Steamy Ray Vaughn."
Randy,"It's pretty shitty when you work so hard to be a great parent, and then the ""government"" comes along and with one shot turns your child into a ""mentally incapacitated"" freak! I mean look at him. He's disinterested, depressed, self-loathing. It's most likely the reason his mother and I got divorced!"
Anchor,"In response to the embarrassment, the President of the United States has passed ""Stan's Bill,"" putting an end to school-mandated vaccinations."
Aide 1,"Mr. President, the bill is ready."
Aide 2,"Just sign right here, Mr. President."
Aide 1,"Aaand if you could just sign this one as well, Mr. President."
Anchor,"It is yet unknown if any other children have contracted from the vaccinations, but if so, multimillion-dollar lawsuits are probably not far behind."
Cartman,Turn on your heart light. Let it shine wherever you go. Let it make a happy glow-
Nurse Bronski,"Eric, what is it this time?"
Cartman,Fever... Light... lightheadedness... I don't know what's wrong with me.
Nurse Bronski,You don't feel warm.
Cartman,"Oh, that's a relief. I thought maybe I had a fever but I- oh OH. Oh my buns! There's a sharp pain in my buns!"
Nurse Bronski,Can you lay on your stomach?
Cartman,I-I'll try. I'll try.
Nurse Bronski,What the?  What is this? A hamburger?
Cartman,A what??
Nurse Bronski,Why are there hamburgers in your underwear?
Cartman,Are you serious? How can there be-  Oh my God! You're saying I have assburgers??
Nurse Bronski,This doesn't make sense. Are you trying to sneak food into the school or something?
Cartman,"What are you talking about?? I got vaccinated from the school, and now clearly I have Assburgers!"
Nurse Bronski,Very funny!
Cartman,Well I'm glad you think Assburgers is funny! Just note my condition on your records there!
Nurse Bronski,Get out of my office!
Wendy,Hey Kyle?  Have you heard anything at all from Stan?
Kyle,"I've tried, Wendy. I've called him, I've been to his house. But since his diagnosis, all he's done is gotten worse."
Wendy,I don't know what to do. It's like he's... completely turned off.
Boy 1,Those two should just screw and get it over with!
Boy 2,Yeaahh...
Kyle,"I can't keep doing it, Wendy. I know he has an illness, but goddamn, it uh, it's like being around a black hole that just sucks the life out of everything."
Wendy,"Look, maybe what we should do is all go over to his house together, an-and that way we could-"
Kyle,"NO. I can't, Wendy.  All his negativity is starting to make me depressed. I have to let him go.  And whatever happens next, I'm going to embrace with a totally  positive attitude."
Cartman,Godamned stupid school nurse! Heartless bitch!
Kyle,What's the matter dude?
Cartman,I spent all morning making hamburgers for nothing! That's what's the matter!
Kyle,"You made hamburgers? Well that's awesome! I'd love one.  Mmm. Hm, wow  This is really good, Cartman."
Cartman,Really?
Kyle,Yeah.  Hey Riley! Try this hamburger.  Cartman made them himself.
Riley,Wow. What is that?
Kyle,"Seriously, Cartman. You could make money with these!"
Cartman,"Gee, thanks Kyle!"
Researcher,"The truth is we still know very little about Asperger's syndrome, Mrs. Marsh. All our patients here show the same social awkwardness that your son exhibits.  Good morning Mr. Mathers."
Mr. Mathers,"Goodbye, doctor"
Researcher,"It's as if they all have an inability to distinguish from what is socially acceptable and what is not.  We've got a new patient, Martin. I want you to meet Stan."
Martin,Nice to meet you.
Researcher,"Here at the treatment center, our focus is on awareness.  Asperger's is serious, but unfortunately because of its name people think it's a disease to be made fun of.  Alright everyone, let's have a seat.  Oh uh, we'll be done at about 5 pm, Mrs. Marsh. I'll call if it's any earlier."
Sharon,"Oh, right, uh. Good bye, Stan. I-I love you."
Researcher,"Alright, are we clear?"
Neo,We're clear!
Morpheus,"Watch that window, Puck!  Everyone, make sure this room isn't bugged!  Alright Stan, listen up! We don't have a lot of time! You've been told Asperger's is real! It isn't! It's just a front we use to stay hidden!"
Stan,"Wait, it's not a real illness?"
Morpheus,"Of course not! If there was a social development disease, you wouldn't call it Asperger's! That's just, that's just mean!  There's a big war going on out there, Stan, and we want you to join our fight to bring it all down!"
Stan,"Uh, nooo nonono, we're not doing this!"
Morpheus,"You've broken through their reality and they don't like it! Others deserve to know the truth! You see everything as shit, don't you?!  Where other people see fun movies and hear cool music, all you see and hear is shit! Am I right?"
Stan,Yeah.
Neo,So do we. All of us here. We know the truth too.
Morpheus,"We found a way to make it stop, Stan. Now are you interested? Or not?"
Cartman,"Next order, please! Get your Cartman Burgers here, fresh and flavorful."
Clyde,I just can't believe how yummy these are.
Cartman,"There you go, Molly, and a bag of chips."
Molly,Thanks!
Cartman,"How are we doing on those patties, Jew?"
Kyle,"About three minutes, fatass!"
Cartman,Nice!
Butters,"Jeez, we're out of finished burgers again, Eric. We need more."
Cartman,It's alright. I think another batch is just finishing off in our top-secret flavor enhancer.
Kyle,"Dude, come on Cartman. As employees, don't you think we should get to see what the final secret flavor enhancer is?"
Cartman,"I'm sorry Kyle, but if we compromise our final cooking process, then our patented flavor will be everywhere, and we'll have to go back to school. Now, let me get those hamburgers.  Alright, these are good to go!"
Morpheus,"Alright, is he ready to be sent in?"
Bald Guy,He's ready! Beta levels are normal.
Stan,Who are you people?
Morpheus,"We are the Secret Society of Cynics.  Everything looks like shit to you, right? What if I were to tell you... that you're seeing the world the way it actually is?"
Stan,Huh?
Morpheus,The world around us has all completely turned to shit. But aliens are putting out a brainwave that keeps most people seeing a false reality
Stan,Aliens?
Morpheus,"Or, robots from the future, whatever. The point is they need to keep everyone in a blissful state of ignorance."
Neo 2,"Yeah. Everything used to be awesome and cool, but now everything's gone to shit and nobody knows except us!"
Neo,Yeah!
Stan,Because of aliens?
Morpheus,"Or genetically altered humans, whatever, fuck you! All that matters is that you are the key to bringing this whole thing down. They know who we are, but they won't be expecting you! Are you ready to go back into the illusionary world you once lived in?"
Stan,Yeah I'm ready!
Morpheus,Let's send him in!  Drink this.
Stan,Ahhhh!  Oh coool!
Adam Sandler,"Jill, you got a date with Al Pacino?"
Jill,I think Al Pacino wants to play Twister with your sister.
Stan,Adam Sandler's funny.
Butters,"Hey Kyle, you have a visitor."
Kyle,Stan?
Stan,Kyle!
Kyle,"Hey, Stan!"
Stan,"Dude, I'm sorry. I've been a shitty friend. I miss my buddy. You were right: Adam Sandler is fuckin' hysterical!"
Kyle,"Stan, are you alright?"
Stan,"Yeah dude, I totally get it now. I can see how lame I was saying everything was, was shit."
Kyle,"Really? Uh, Stan, that's great."
Stan,"But Kyle, it's all shit! For real! It's all shit 'cause the aliens with AI and you and me are gonna fuck it all up! Come on!"
Kyle,Dude. Have you been drinking?
Stan,"You're not listening to me, Kyle. Dude, we have to go do this one thing, and then everything can go back to normal!"
Kyle,"It's too late for that. Things just can't go back, Stan, uh.  Ah-I'm with Cartman Burger now."
Stan,"...Dude, Cartman Burger? Seriously? How shitty- is that fuckin' concept?"
Kyle,See? There you go again. Look at you dude. Look what you've become.
Cartman,"Everything alright here, Kyle?"
Kyle,"Yeah, it's fine."
Cartman,We're uh gonna need some more patties pretty soon.
Kyle,"Yeah yeah, ahh I'll be right there."
Stan,"Come on, Kyle. This is about you and me, remember?!"
Kyle,"Look, dude, things around here have changed. Sometimes, the only way to keep going is to make a left turn."
Stan,"Fuck you Kyle, you're a piece of shit!  ...Kyle, I love you.  You're a piece of shit though. Fuck you!  ...I love you."
Big Harry,"Big Harry and Mike in the Morning and in case you didn't catch last night's episode of , we're breakin' it down."
Mike,"Oh Big Harry, when the  ran into the -"
Big Harry,"Nonono, no! How about when ."
Morpheus,He's back!  Did you see the illusionary world again?
Neo,How does it feel to be back in the Matrix?
Stan,I feel like total shit.
Bald Guy,It's okay. That's just your brain levels adjusting back to the real world.
Morpheus,"Try and focus, Stan: we've found them! We know where the rock creatures are now."
Stan,The rock creatures?
Morpheus,"Or aliens, or AI- things. Whatever, fuck you."
Stan,"Dude, I canh- I... I can't do any..."
Neo,He's gonna pop!
Morpheus,"Come on kid, there's not a lot of time left."
Neo,You're pushin' him too hard!
Stan,Ugh God.
Morpheus,"Stan, you have to convince people they're living in a world of illusion. We're sending you back in!"
Figure 1,"We all know why we are here. There's a rebellion in our midst and it must be SQUASHED OUT!  We have to put an end, to Cartman Burgers."
Other Execs,"Yes, yes, but what do we do?"
KFC Exec,At KFC we've seen a 50% drop in sales.
Pizza Hut Exec,It's worse at Pizza Hut. Cartman Burgers choked out the market.
McDonald's Exec,"What makes them so good? For whatever reason, these Cartman Burgers satisfy the taste cravings from all of our restaurants!"
Taco Bell Exec,"There lies the secret.  It's the chemical compounds from all our flavors. Pizza Hut, Burger King, KFC, all somehow infused into one burger."
KFC Exec,"It's as if he's somehow taking all the ingredients of our food, breaking them down into some kind of... gas. And them somehow... infusing that gas into his hamburger. What kind of instrument could he be using to do this?"
Pizza Hut Exec,It would have to be some sort of super Dutch oven.
Burger King Exec,But a Dutch oven with greater technology than we've ever seen.
Stan,Aughah.
McDonald's Exec,"Hey! Wake up. Come on now, wake up!  Use the smelling salts!"
Stan,...Enchirito?
McDonald's Exec,You know the secret?
Stan,What? You guys are aliens?
McDonald's Exec,Stop playing with us! What's the secret behind Cartman Burger's amazing taste?!
Stan,"Dude, I don't know!"
Taco Bell Exec,He's lying!  You see this kid in the picture? This guy is his best friend.
McDonald's Exec,Ah ha!
Stan,I'm not friends with him.
Taco Bell Exec,They've been through everything together. Inseparable.
Stan,"No, no, we don't hang out anymore."
McDonald's Exec,"Oho right, like someone would just walk away from a friendship like that?"
Stan,"Dude, I didn't walk away! I turned 10 and everything he wanted to do seemed shitty to me, so I-!"
McDonald's Exec,Oh sure! Anyone would ditch out on their best friend 'cause they weren't feeling good! Now stop playing games and tell us why Cartman Burgers is so delicious!
Stan,I don't know!
McDonald's Exec,"Alright, I guess we're going to have to do this the hard way."
Kyle,"There, ten mediums and five medium-rares."
Cartman,"Alright, I'll take these to the flavor enhancer."
Kyle,"Next please.  Oh, hey."
Stan,"Kyle, you've gotta tell me the secret to Cartman Burger."
Kyle,What are you doing?
Stan,How do you guys make them so yummy?
Kyle,I don't know.
McDonald's Exec,You'd BETTER get him to tell you or you're getting shot in the back of the head!  You got that?!
Stan,"Dude, just tell me the secret to Cartman Burger"
Kyle,Why?! So that we can lose our business and everything can go back to old times?!
Stan,"No, because there's aliens with a sniper-chicken on me."
Kyle,"Oh God! Look, I know you got Asperger's from the school and I I'm sorry. But your negativity is poison to me!"
McDonald's Exec,"Oh, right. Like a friend would walk out on somebody who was diagnosed with a serious illness!"
Stan,"Dude, I'm sorry that I've been bumming you out, but it's not my fault!"
Kyle,"You said ""fuck you"" to my face, Stan."
Stan,"Dude, I didn't realize what I was saying."
McDonald's Exec,"Oh yeah, like any friend would say something that severe and then try to take it back."
Kyle,"Alright, look. I honestly don't know the secret, dude. Only Cartman does, and that's how it's gonna work for us."
McDonald's Exec,"Goddamnit this is getting us nowhere!  Everyone get back! Do you wanna play hardball?! That's fine!  All right, let's see this mighty machine once and for all!"
Morpheus,You vampire sons of bitches!
Neo,Haha!
Morpheus,"Alright, nice work Stan. Now comes the final step! You have to take out Duck President!"
Stan,Just stop it! You people are so full of shit!
Mr. Mathers,"Uh oh, looks like the serum is wearing off!  Here, you'd better take some more!"
Stan,"No, I'm done with that!"
Morpheus,"But Stan, you have to take down the bad guys and go through a personal transformation, so that everything can go back to the way it was!"
Stan,"I don't want everything to go back to the way it was!  I, I don't.  You were right, Kyle. Sometimes, the only way to go forward, is to take a big left turn. I've been resisting it, but I'm ready now. I want you to stay with Cartman Burger, dude. It's okay. You're gonna do this and I'm gonna do my thing and ...my mom and dad aren't getting back together. But you know what? It's okay. In fact, it's better. Change is gonna bring new things to all of us. Where will Cartman Burger go from here? That'll be cool to see. And it opens me up to a whole new adventure, exploring... new relationships with all new people in town.  Maybe this kid will become my new best friend.  Or maybe this kid will."
Douglas,Wow.
Stan,"Maybe it won't be like before, but... at least it'll all be new. And that's what's gonna make it so that I can keep going. For the first time in a long time, I'm really excited."
Randy,"Stan? Stan! Get in the car, Stan! Your mom and I are movin' back in together!"
Stan,What?
Randy,"We worked it out, pal. Surprise!"
Stan,"No, dad, no. No, please!"
Sharon,"We talked a lot and, we know it's what's best for you kids and, I don't know..."
Stan,"No, Mom, sometimes you've got- a left turn."
Sharon,"People get older, Stanley. And as you get older you realize... the best thing to do is just... stick with what you know."
Kyle,"You were sticking these in your ass, Cartman?!"
Crowd,Eeewww!
Big Harry,I like that!
Mike,Yeah.
Big Harry,"Big Harry and Mike in the Morning, talkin' about Two and a Half Men. I think Ashton Kutcher makes it the show to be seen, Mike."
Mike,"Yeah, but what about that movie Dolphin Tale? I am psyched for that!"
Big Harry,"Dolphin Tale, Big Harry and Mike in the Morning.  Let's hear one from the band Slamjammer and their song-"
Kyle,"Dude, we're gonna see the new Zoopeeker movie!"
Cartman,The Zookeeper 2: Zookeepier!
Stan,"...K, coming."
Cartman,"Alright y'all, keep your eyes peeled and your guns ready.  There's a heap of Mexicans out there who want nothin' more than to sneak past our border, and we've gotta stop them!"
Liane,"Eric, you wanna say hi to Grandpa?"
Cartman,"Not now, Mom! We're playing Texans versus Mexicans! Gah!  All right patrol, you all know the drill. Not one Mexican is to get past this border! Not a single one! Yeehaw!"
The other four,Yeehaw!
Butters,"Fellow Meheecans! This time, we're gonan try rushin' the Texans from the left side! Do not give up home, for I am Mantequilla! Viva la Meheeco!"
Stan,"Uh, Butters, I think we're gonna go back to Kyle being team leader."
Butters,"Oh what, I'm not a good Meheecan?"
Stan,"You're a great Meheecan, Butters, but maybe just not a leader of Meheeco."
Kyle,"Look guys, all we need to do is split up and apply some good diversion tactics. We'll use the Texans' emotions against them."
Cartman,Scanning for Mexicans.  Oh!  We've got a Mexican!
Kyle,Hey Texans! Let me through; we want a treaty!
Cartman,"He's trying a simple diversion tactic, thinks we're stupid.  Haha! You're gonna have to do better than that, Mexican!"
Kyle,Better than being a fatass Texan!
Cartman,Ey! Just because I'm Texan doesn't mean I'm fat!
Kyle,"No, you're fat to begin with, chubby! Now you're Texan too!"
Cartman,"Oh yeah?! Oh yeah?! Well you're a fuckin' Jew Kyle! And now you're a Mexican Jew! You dirty, no good... Mexijew!  Let's just see you try and-!"
Stan,Base!
Cartman,Clyde?!  The fuck are you doin'?! You just let a Mexican through!
Clyde,I was enthralled with the dialog exchange.
Cartman,"Ugh yeah?! Well you all need to stay focused, Goddamnit!  If you let yourselves get distracted for even one minute, we're gonna be overrun with these jobless, no good-!"
Token,Base!
Cartman,"Dude!!  How did he get past the fence, Craig?!"
Craig,I didn't hear him coming with all your screaming.
Cartman,"Nobody's fuckin' screaming, Craig! Wake the fuck up!"
Jimmy,"Eh, b-base."
Cartman,Oh God!
Stan,"So, so then, so then the pope says, ""Maybe you should go check the toilet."""
Craig,"Hey. Hey, I got one.  Why do girls wear makeup and perfume?"
Token,Why?
Craig,'Cause they're ugly and they stink.
Stan,"Cartman, stop pouting that you lost the game."
Cartman,I'm not pouting! I just heard all these jokes before!
Kyle,So then don't have a slumber party if you're gonna be an asshole all night!
Cartman,"At least I have an asshole, Kyle!"
Butters,"Boy, I've really done it this time. I have one simple direction: ""Go that way."" How did I end up getting lost? My amigos were right: I am a lousy Meheecan. They're all living the good life while I'm, while I'm stuck out here in Meheeco. I am... The Last of the Meheecans."
Butters,"Hello? Anybody? Come on Mantequilla, you have to find that border!  Lalala, lalala, Work Mexican Work. Lalala, lalala, Work Mexican Work."
Woman,"Oh, careful darling, the storm is getting worse."
Man,It sure is. I-I can barely see.
Woman,Oh my God look out it's a Mexican!
Man,"Oh my God, are you alright?"
Butters,"Por favor, ehe, I have to get across the border. Mmis amigos, may a-, my amigos are waiting."
Man,Poor thing must have snuck across the border and then lost track of his family.
Butters,"I, am Mantequilla, the last of the Meheecans."
Woman,"Guest room. Guest room. Bed, bed. Pillow. You're going to be okay.  Do you understand?"
Man,"Darling, I don't know if we can keep him."
Woman,What are we supposed to do?! Call the police?! And have him shipped back to Mexico like some animal?!  Window. Window.
Man,"Yep, window."
Woman,"Bueno!  He'll have so much more opportunity here than he ever would in Mexico!  Window. Window.  Windex. Windex, Mantequilla. Paper towel.  Sí, sí Mantequilla"
Man,"Ah, be sure to get the edges."
Woman,"Oh darling, it's wonderful."
Cartman,"No. NO! Must protect the border! Everyone's gettin through! No! Clyde! We're losing! Kyle go through! Oh no, now Stan's through! And Jimmy! It's over! The only Mexican left is Butters; we've got...  Butters!  Hey! Wake up you guys! Wake up, losers!"
Stan,What are you talking about?
Cartman,Where is Butters?
Kyle,He was with us at dinner. Wait. Was he with us at dinner?
Stan,"Yeah, I think he was. Wait."
Craig,Butters is one of those people who you can never remember if he was there or not.
Kyle,Butters?
Stan,Butters!
Kyle,"Jesus, it's freezing out here. He, he could be dead."
Cartman,"All right men, rally up! There's still a Mexican out there and he ain't gettin' through!  You haven't won yet!  Game on!"
Craig,Game on!
Kyle,"Wugh, game on."
Butters,"Work, Mexican, Work.  Work, Mexican, Work"
Woman,"Mantequiila? Mantequilla, come to the living room. We have a surprise for you."
Man,Surprise! We've scraped some money together and got you something.
Woman,"It's a present, Mantequilla. Un presente."
Butters,Wow! A present just for me?
Woman,Oh he's such a happy little Mexican.
Man,"How do you like that, Mantequilla? Your very own leaf blower! Hahah, I have no idea how it works, but I'm sure you do, huh. Say, how would you like to go in the back yard and play?"
Woman,"Oh look at him, darling. He's so happy."
Man,"Hup. Nono, Mantequilla! You're just blowing the leaves from one side to the other. Get them in one pile so you can use the garbage bags we loaned you."
Butters,"Ah, sí señor."
Woman,Oh he's so adorable.
Singers,"Work, Mexican, work."
Butters,"All week long, bossman say"
Both,"Work, Mexican, work."
Butters,"Sing your Song, earn your pay"
Both,"Work, Mexican, work.Work, Meheecan"
Singers,Sweat
Butters,Meheecan
Singers,Toil
Butters,"Meheecan, it's your"
Both,lot in life.
Butters,While people play in the sun all day
Both,"Work, Mexican, work."
Man,"Honey? Honey, what's wrong?"
Woman,"It's Mantequilla. We've tried giving him everything, but I don't think he's happy. Tonight I told him he could do whatever he wanted before bed - wash the dishes, mop up our bathroom - but you know what he said? He said ""I need to go home."" I tried telling him ""your home is here, Mantequilla! ¡Tu casa es aquí!"" But I don't think he feels it."
Man,"Well, maybe if we let him paint the garage, he'll feel more like family and then-"
Woman,"No, Brian! In my heart I know it's true. He belongs with his own kind, Brian. He belongs with his own kind!"
Brian,"Come on, honey."
Butters,"Hey, where are you going?"
Woman,No! Mantequilla bad! Go now!
Butters,"Ma'am, can I, can I just use your phone?"
Woman,"No es bueno, Mantequilla! ¡No me mi-mires! ¡Por favor! ¡Por favor no mires!"
Butters,"So there I was, just yards away from the American border. All my amigos made it across, but I became lost in the woods. If the Whipples hadn't come along, I might have froze to death. But I'm not giving up, for I, am Mantequilla!"
Worker 1,Mantequilla?
Worker 2,Mantequilla?
Worker 1,¡Yo he escuchado de este niño! ¡He visto anuncios de el por donde quiera!
Worker 3,Sí. Es famoso!
Butters,"Nothing can stop me, and my pride, in Mother Meheeco!"
Worker 1,¿Un niño gringo que quiere ses mexicano?
Worker 3,"Ay, tiempos han cambiado."
Worker 1,"No... no. ¿Saben qué? Mantequilla tiene derecho. ¿Por qué venimos a este país? ¡Vale madre aquí, 'mano!"
Butters,Hey! You fellas think you can get me across that border?
Worker 1,Debemos escuchar a este niño. ¡Mexico es mucho mejor que esto!
Butters,"All my amigos are there, waitin' for me."
Worker 1,Todos mis amigos están allí también..
Worker 2,¡A la chingada con esto! ¡Vamonos!
Worker 3,"Sí, ¡vamonos a la chingada!"
Butters,Viva la Meheeco!
Doctor,"Alright, let's get him into ER."
Elderly Man,Careful w'my foot!
Worker 2,"¡Oye Yimenez! ¡Nos vamos a regresar, hombre!"
Yimenez,¿Qué?
Worker 2,¡Este lugar es una mierda! ¡Nos regresamos a Mexico!
Butters,We're crossin' the border!
Yimenez,¡Jose! ¡Martinez! Nos vamos para atras para Mexico!
Butters,Olé!
Border Officer 1,Pretty quiet out there.
Border Officer 2,"Yeah, a bit too quiet if you ask me. Gimme those!"
Border Officer 1,"Just seems like Mexicans don't try to cross into the US as much as they used to, you know?"
Border Officer 2,"Noo, they're out there, Charlie. Plottin' their next move. They'll do anything they can to get into the Land of Opportunity.  And as long as this country offers everyone a better life, there's gonna be people calmorin' to get it. It's the curse of success, Charlie.  A great and wealthy nation will always be plagued  by the needy tryin' to-what the hell?"
Charlie,"Uhh, sir? Aren't those Mexicans runnin' into Mexico?"
Border Officer 2,That don't make sense.
Charlie,You're goin' the wrong way!
Anchorman,"You've heard of Mexican salsa, but Mexican pride? The phenomenon is called ""Orgullo de Mantequilla,"" where Mexicans are realizing it actually is starting to suck more here in the US. The borders are being flooded with Latin Americans trying to get back to their own countries."
Randy,"Well, I think it's good.  If the Mexican people feel inspired, good for them. People have a right to go and be happy.  NOOOOOO!"
Anchorman,"But just what has sparked the Mexican desire to live... in Mexico? Joining us now is economist Mark Geiger, and Mark, we've heard of Mexican ice cream, but Mexican patriotism?"
Mr. Geiger,"Yes, it's a very odd phenomenon, Chris. Ih it just-"
Kyle,"Cartman, what the hell is this?!"
Cartman,"You guys, the game is over! Clearly I won. Give it up."
Kyle,"""Wanted by U.S. Border Patrol""?! ""Permission to shoot on sight""?!"
Cartman,"You guys were putting out fliers, I had to put some out too."
Kyle,Butters has been missing for a week! You might have inadvertently gotten him killed!
Cartman,"Well then I inadvertently won the game, didn't I?"
Chris,Do you have what it takes to join the Border Patrol? Border Patrol officers are looking for volunteers to help with the reverse immigration crisis.
Cartman,Oh dude. Sweet.
Crowd,¡Vamos Mantequilla!  ¡Vamos Mantequilla!  ¡Vamos Mantequilla!
Butters,"Oh uh, I'm sorry,  I don't really-"
Crowd,Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.  ¡Oy!  ¡Oy!  ¡Orgullo!  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Butters,Wow.
Border Officer 2,"Welcome to the US Border Patrol. You volunteers are the key to keepin' this country safe and prosperous.  Every day, more and more Mexicans are tryin' to get past this fence and go back to their homes in Mexico. As border patrol officers our duty is to stop Mexicans from crossin' the border. We don't need to worry about the semantics of which direction they're going, we're just supposed to stop them!  Marcus?"
Marcus,The standard-issue border patrol weapon is the P-29 stun baton. It carries a 4000 watt charge and is your best option for enforcin' border patrol law.
Cartman,This is gonna be so fuckin' sweet.
Marcus,"The baton is non-lethal, but powerful e-"
Border Officer 3,Hey! We got some! Mexicans at 2 o'clock!
Border Officer 2,"Let's get ready, recruits! Must be a couple dozen of them!  This is the US Border Patrol! Stop where you are! Turn around and get back to work!"
Marcus,There's too many of 'em! We're gonna need backup!
Border Officer 2,"You're pretty good at stoppin' Mexicans, son. What's your name?"
Cartman,Cartman. Eric T. Cartman.
Narrator,"Dedicated. Patriotic. Tireless. These are the men and women of the US Border Patrol. They work around the clock protecting American prosperity. They are the front line in making sure Mexicans stay here and work. The border patrol is uncompromising, diligent, and cool. They will defend, arrest, and most importantly, let the Mexicans know that they are way better off here in the United States."
President Calderón,"¡Hoy celebramos el primer día de Mantequilla, honrando el espiritu de México!"
Butters,"Thanks everyone.  It suer has been great gettin' to know you all. You've been really great amigos.  It's really kind of made me... appreciate my amigos back home. I know they were waitin' for me, and I'm sure they're all worried sick."
President Calderón,"Mantequilla, tu tienes que hacer una decisión. Los Estados Unidos están de baja, y claro, México pronto será el mejor lugar. Pero como Mexicanos, nosotros sabemos que nada es más importante que la famlia, y amistades. Estás invitado a vivir con nosotros, Mantequilla, pero tienes que seguir tu corazón. ¿Quieres quedarte aquí con nosotros, o quieres estar con tus amigos?"
Butters,...What did he say? Ah I actually don't speak Spanish.
Cartman,"No Mexicans detected.  Huh, nothing."
Border Officer 4,"Let's face it: they've just about all gotten back across. No matter how hard we tried, the Mexicans all got across the border."
Border Officer 2,"When we asked Obama to stop illegal immigrants, we didn't mean to make the US so shitty they wouldn't wanna come anymore."
Marcus,Hey! Hey wait a minute!  It's a Mexican!  I think he wants to come back in!
Border Officer 2,"Oh my God it is!  Hey! Hey! Come on in!  Come on! Come on! Come on, it's okay!  What the fuck are you doing?! Get that gate open!"
Border Officer 5,"Come on, buddy!"
Other Officers,"Come on now, come on! You've got it."
Cartman,"Wait a minute, isn't that..."
Butters,Game on!
Cartman,Oh no you don't!
Butters,AAAH!
Border Officer 2,What the fuck are you doin'?!
Cartman,That asshole is not getting across my border!
Butters,AAAAH!  I'll get over!
Cartman,No you won't Butters!
Butters,Giddy up!
Commentator,Un otro shoto de Mantequilla. Y Manteque-ah. ¡Oh! ¡Una arma! Una arma del El Niño Gordo!
Mexicans,Ohhh!
Cartman,Ey!
Commentator,Mantequilla ayudar ¡1a Border Patrol!
Cartman,¡Respeto mi autóridad!
Commentator,Border Patrol pegaron ¡El Zero Gordo!
Cartman,"Where the fuck did he go?!  Haha! Game over, Butters! You lose!  The fuck is this?!  No. NO!"
Butters,Haha! Heheeheeheehahaheehee!
Cartman,NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Butters,Base!
Mexicans,AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Commentator,"El mirito, vinto!"
Butters,"So then, so then the fireman says ""That won't even fit in my scrotum!""  Yeah!"
Kyle,"Stop being a pouty little bitch 'cause you lost, Cartman!"
Cartman,"I'm not pouting! I'm just... sensitive to fireman jokes 'cause of 9/11 and uh, uh... fuck you Kyle!"
Butters,"Boy, I'm so glad I proved I'm a good Meheecan! Hey, maybe next time I can be team leader!"
Stan,"Ahhh, I think we'll stick with Kyle, dude. You made it across the border, but it did take you... two and a half weeks."
Kyle,"Yeah, you're a great Meheecan, Butters, just not a great leader of Meheeco."
Mexicans,¡Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...  ¡Oy! ¡Oy!  ¡Orgullo!  ¡Maaantequilla!
Cartman,A Baptist priest with a huge boner walks into a bar...
Cartman,"YOU GUYS! Oh my God, you guys!  You're never gonna guess what!  Seriously you guys, guess what??"
Stan,What?
Cartman,"You guys, you know Pete Melman?  Fourth Grade, Mr. Bart's class?"
Kyle,The blond kid?
Cartman,"Yeah yeah, Pete Melman!"
Stan,What about him?
Cartman,"He crapped his pants today during social studies! He had to go to the nurse's office, and have his mom bring him a fresh pair of jeans!"
Kyle,How do you know?!
Cartman,"Because, dude, it's all over Eavesdropper!"
Butters,Eavesdropper?
Kyle,What's that?
Cartman,Puhah! You guys don't follow Eavesdropper?   It's a Web site about all the students in the school!
Clyde,"Hey, did you guys see Eavesdropper? Pete Melman shit his pants!"
Cartman,"Yeah yeah, I'm showin' the guys!  Check it out. Eavesdropper got a hold of the phone call from the nurse to Pete Melman's mom.  Just listen, listen listen."
Nurse Bronski,"Hello Mrs. Melman, this is the school nurse. I'm afraid your son has had a little accident."
Mrs. Melman,"Oh no, what is it? Is he okay?"
Stan,Turn it up.
Nurse Bronski,"No no, it's not serious, but he went number two during class.  I'm afraid he's gonna need a new pair of pants and underwear, and a clean pair of socks."
Craig,"Hey, did you guys see Eavesdropper?"
Cartman,"Yeah yeah, we're listenin' to it!"
Kyle,"Dude, that's so wrong!"
Butters,Hey! Pete Melmman pooped his pants and uh had to have his mom bring him new undies!
Cartman,"Okay okay, so what do we call Pete Melman when we see him? I was thinking, ""Poopypants Pete"", but th- but then I also thought of ""Mushpants Melman."""
Mr. Mackey,Attention South Park Students: will the following students report to the Principal's office immediately? Eric Cartman? Thank you.
Cartman,"Oh Jesus, what now?!"
Principal Victoria,"Eric, as you might have heard, a student here in South Park Elementary had an accident in the classroom."
Cartman,"Puh-I know, dude. Pete Melman crapped his pants. So freakin' funny!"
Principal Victoria,"Oookay, but you probably understand that for Pete, it isn't that funny. For him it's embarrassing and terrifying."
Cartman,"Tchehe, right. That's why it's super funny to me."
Principal Victoria,"Eric, it has been almost one year since Corey Duran defecated in his pants here in school. Now, you remember what happened to him?"
Cartman,"Yeah, he killed himself."
Mr. Mackey,"Yes, and the reason he killed himself, Eric, was that the ridicule and the torment from other students,  spearheaded by you, cause him-!"
Cartman,Hey! Whoooa.
Mr. Mackey,"Spearheaded by you, m'kay, made him feel there was no other way out."
Cartman,"'Kay, whoa, whoa! We've been through this, you cannot put Corey Duran's death on me! I'm not the one who crapped him pants in front of everyone!"
Mr. Adler,"Eric, we are asking you to please just remember what happened to Corey and not let it happen to Pete."
Principal Victoria,Please just let it go.
Cartman,You're asking me to simply ignore a kid who - excuse my language but I have to be harsh here - a kid who shits in his pants in front of everyone - to just ignore that so he can have a normal life?!
Mr. Mackey,"We are hoping that if you don't fan the flames, Eric, the other students might forget might forget about it!"
Cartman,"Do you really think information like this will just die down? There's Internet! There's Eavesdropper! You might be worried Pete Melman is gonna kill himself, but the truth is, he was dead the second he crapped his pants."
Principal Victoria,"Alright Eric, here's the deal: This school cannot have another suicide on its hands. We want you to see Pete Melman through this, and turn public opinion around."
Cartman,Heh! You're crazy! It can't be done!
Principal Victoria,"If Pete Melman does not kill himself,  we will make it very worth your while."
Cartman,You aren't listing to anythin-  Make it worth my while how?
Stan,No way.
Kyle,What's up?
Stan,The-hay've got a video of Pete Melman's mom showing up with fresh underwear on Eavesdropper!
Kyle,"Dude, that's fucked up."
Stan,"Come on dude, it's pretty funny."
Kyle,It's funny that something that should be completely private is put up on a Web site for everyone to see??
Stan,"Yeah dude, that's pretty funny."
Butters,It's megasuperhilarious!
Cartman,"Uh, hey Jenny. Sup?"
Jenny,What do you want?!
Cartman,"Did you hear about Pete Melman? Pretty messed up, huh?"
Jenny,"Yeah, it's gross!"
Cartman,"So... whatcha doin' for lunch? Eh, my mom packed me the best stuff. She even baked cupcakes."
Jenny,So what?
Cartman,I was just thinkin' that... m-m-maybe we could... eat lunch together. I've always kind of...  liked you.
Jenny,I don't like you!
Cartman,"I know. Ah I know you don't like me back. I ju- Yeah, you know, the- this was stupid, I'm sorry. Will you just take a cupcake?  Oh, don't take the cupc- I, I'm sorry. I, I'm sorry I wasted your time."
Jenny,"Hey. Wait.  Look, I'm sorry. That was mean. I'd love to try one of your mom's cupcakes."
Mr. Garrison,"And now number 17 many of you got wrong as well. The correct answer was D, whales are mammals."
Jenny,Oh! Gahhh. Ohf.
Mr. Garrison,They're not fish like some of you retards chose.
Cartman,"You okay, Jenny?"
Jenny,"Yeah, I'm fine, I just- Awwgh!  M-Mr. Garrison? Can I please  be excused?"
Cartman,"Excused? Oh, oh but we are in the middle of class."
Mr. Garrison,What's the matter?
Jenny,Gah I just need to go to the restroom!
Mr. Garrison,Well okay.
Cartman,"Ah, Mr. Garrison, I don't think that's quite fair, uh I mean, you rarely let us get up and leave during the class."
Jenny,Please! I've gotta go now!
Cartman,"Well just, give it a couple of minutes, Jenny. It could just be a cramp."
Jenny,"No, Mr. Garrison, I've gotta- go- AAAH!"
Class,Eeeeww!
Cartman,Oh my God! Jenny Simons crapped her pants!  Did you hear that?!  It's WAY worse than Pete Melman was!
Kids,Ew!
Butters,Sick!
Cartman,WAY worse!
Timmy,Run.
Principal Victoria,...The Doctors say that Jenny Simon barely survived the fall. Jumping off the school roof fractured her pelvis.
Cartman,"Alright, kewl."
Mr. Mackey,"No, not cool! M'kay, she's on suicide watch, Eric! She's given up on life!"
Cartman,"You said Pete Melman couldn't kill himself! By making Jenny Simon crap her pants worse than Pete, I've made her the number one story on Eavesdropper!"
Principal Victoria,"That's wasn't the point, Eric! Nobody was supposed to kill themselves! Unless you fix this our deal is off!"
Cartman,"Mobody can be made fun of for crapping their pants, and nobody can die!"
The three adults,Yes!
Cartman,"Jesus Christ!  Okay, okay.  Um, Jesus-  ah... Okay, look.  Okay those, those tests we took last week? The state efficiency tests? How did we do on those?"
Mr. Mackey,"Our students did average, maybe just below average."
Cartman,"Okay, no, they all did awesome! In fact our students did so good on the tests that you...  you decided to reward them all. At lunch you're serving the students pizza from Pizza Hut! But we're going to put laxatives and Arby's horsey sauce in the pizza so that every kid in the school craps their pants after recess. Everyone craps their pants, nobody's singled out, problem solved."
Principal Victoria,That's insane!
Cartman,"Okay, well if you have a better idea, then why am I here?"
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, hi Jan, it's Counselor Mackey. Uh... how long would it take to organize a Pizza Friday for the students? Yeah, yeah no they uh, they actually did really well on the state exam. Yeah, mkay."
Stan,"Dude, check it out! Eavesdropper found an e-mail from Jenny Simon's boyfriend calling her ""soft-serve Simon."""
Kyle,That's not funny.
Craig,"Hey, here's a post about Token: ""Token Black's Private Gym Photos"""
Kyle,I'm not looking at that!
Stan,"Come on, dude, it's pretty funny!"
Kyle,It wouldn't be funny if that Web site posted something about you!
Stan,I wouldn't care.
Craig,Exclusive: Stan Marsh thinks Elise Thompson has a hot butt crack.
Stan,What?
Craig,"""In an email sent yesterday to KENNY McCormick, Stan Marsh wrote 'Dude, you should have been in PE today. Elise Thompson's butt crack was totally showing.' He went on to call her butt crack quote 'nice' and that the whole experience was quote 'pretty awesome'."""
Stan,"Kenny! Kenny, what the fuck?!"
Kenny,(What?)
Stan,How did Eavesdropper get a hold of my e-mail to you?!
Kenny,(I don't know.)
Stan,Do you just leave your e-mails open for everyone to read?!
Kenny,(No!)
Stan,That was a private e-mail from me to you!  Hey Wendy.
Wendy,"You like looking at girls' butt cracks, Stan?!"
Kenny,(Oh fuck I'm gettin' out of here!)
Stan,"No, I was telling Kenny he would like it."
Wendy,Do you have any idea how embarrassed I am?!
Stan,"Wendy, it was just a quick e-mail to Kenny. New stories pop up on Eavesdropper every hour. People are gonna forget all about this."
Wendy,"So you didn't e-mail anybody else about Elise Thompson's butt crack, right?!"
Stan,"This is an issue of trust and privacy! We have to all work together to put an end to Eavesdropper once and for all!  Yes, Kyle."
Kyle,"So, just to be completely clear, now it isn't funny, right?"
Stan,"Ugh, What's funny about having our private lives hacked into?!"
Wendy,Specially when they're writing about your boyfriend's addiction to crack.
Stan,"Shut up Butters! What we have to find out is who in the school is running Eavesdropper! I've done an extensive profile, and I've narrowed it down to somebody in this very room!  Now whoever you are, you're a gossiping little bitch!  And we're not gonna-!"
Craig,It's not somebody in this room.
Stan,What? How do you know?
Craig,"Because whoever it is just now posted a new story on Eavesdropper: ""Allison Taft reveals embarrassing secret about Craig Tucker.""  Yeah. Hey wait, that's me."
Kyle,Where is it coming from?
Craig,Huh?
Kyle,If it's on the school network we can track the IP address.  This way. In here.  Whoever it is using the computer in the music room.
Stan,We only have music class on Thursday.
Wendy,Of course. A kid could use the computer in there and nobody would know.
Kyle,Get ready guys. Whoever is in here is the kid that's hacking our e-mails and phone calls! You guys ready?!
Stan,Oh I'm ready!
Kyle,One.  Two. Three!
Craig,It's a rat!
Kyle,Get it!
Stan,Don't let him get away!
Token,He's gone!
Stan,What the hell? A stupid rat is in charge of Eavesdropper?
Kyle,Wikileaks.  It says here his name is Wikileaks.
Frog King,"Lemmiwinks! I come with news of great gravity. Another rodent is out there, spreading terrible rumors and hacking e-mails.  Yes. And I'm afraid the news is worse. The creature doing this, Lemmiwinks, is your brother, Wikileaks!"
Singer,"''Wikileaks, the bum hacker with a heart of doom.Everyone knows the gerbil king, but no one ever speaksOf Lemminwinks's brother, the evil Likiweaks..."
Frog King,"Once again Wikileaks is trying to wreak havoc on our world. Only you can stop him, Lemmiweaks."
Singer,"Lemmiwinks, King of Gerbils, stop your brother of doom!"
Girl 1,It's just so embarrassing. What if the other girls find out my mother is in rehab?
Girl 2,It's okay Emily. Can I tell you a secret? My mom has a drinking problem too.
Emily,Really? You too?
Girl 2,"That's just between us, okay?"
Emily,"Of course, Tammy. I'm really glad I shared this with you."
Stan,Stop that rat!
Stan,Knock it off!
Boy 1,I just want you to know that I have a hure crush on you and-  HEY!
Butters,NO Wikileaks! Bad!
Cartman,"Yup, a few more laxatives on that one, a little more Arby's horsey sauce on there, mhm."
Mr. Mackey,"Eh, Is this one good?"
Cartman,"Yeah, I think they're all ready."
Principal Victoria,"You sure this will work, Eric? What if some of the students don't eat the pizza?"
Cartman,It doesn't matter. Enough students will crap their pants to make everyone forget about Pete Melman and Jenny Simons forever.
Mr. Mackey,"Alright Eric, well, well get back to class. We don't want anyone seeing you in here with us."
Cartman,"Uh, hold on just a second! I believe we discussed the little matter of my payment?!  I'm not letting you guys screw me over again. Give me what I wanted, now!"
Mr. Mackey,"Alright, fine. Bring her in, Adler."
Cartman,Oh my God! Selena Gomez! You  you actually got her to come!
Selena Gomez,Hi Eric. I understand you really wanted to meet me. Wanna get a picture together?
Cartman,"No thanks. Okay, proceed."
Mr. Mackey,"I/m sorry about this, Ms. Gomez.  Alright, get her the fuck out of here."
Principal Victoria,"Okay, Eric, you got what you wanted. Are we straight?"
Cartman,That. Was. Amazing.
Mr. Mackey,"Alright now, get back to class! Adler, get rid of those laxative bottles! Trash all the Arby's horsey sauce packages too! There cannot be one piece of evidence of what we did here!  What the?  Oh shit!  Stop that rat!"
Frog King,"Alright Lemmiwinks, we should probably get going now... The time is nigh, Lemmiwinks. Let us chase your destiny.  Ah! Sparrow Prince! What news do you bring?"
Sparrow Prince,Wikileaks grows stronger with each passing moment.  The birds are tweeting that he is about to release his biggest story yet.
Frog King,Then the moment is truly here! Come Lemmiwinks! Let us make haste! Le-le-Lemmiwinks? His heart is so heavy. I weep for him.
Sparrow Prince,"Indeed. Could you do it, Frog Prince? Could you kill your own brother?"
Frog King,I thank God I don't have to make that decision.  We might need to bring in some outside help.
Stan,"You see? There, look! It says Eavesdropper's biggest story every is coming out this afternoon."
Butters,Biggest story about who?
Craig,There's no telling. It could be about any of us.
Catatafish,"Well met, children of Adam. I, am Catatafish."
Singers,Catatafish of the Salmon School.
Kyle,What?
Catatafish,I come asking for your help. There is only one thing that can stop Wikileaks. But right now Lemmiwinks is being held prisoner.
Stan,Lemmiwinks? Our old class gerbil?
Kyle,What is that thing?
Catatafish,"I am Catatafish. I am a great wizard and, I am a friend. And I'm a ghost, besides of course being a fish."
Singers,Catatafish's tale will soon be told.
Stan,Do you know why a gerbil is running around hacking our phone calls and putting our secrets up on the Internet?
Catatafish,"He does it purely for reasons of evil. And his treachery is not limited to humans. Wikileaks posted exaggerated things about me, too. He posted on his Web site that I had sex with an underage fish, and that I made her perform bass to mouth. If you accept this quest you will help the Gerbil King defeat Wikileaks once and for all! But the choice is yours. I'm not here to make you do anything. Like that underage salmon. I didn't make her do anything. If she wants to do bass to mouth, how is it my fault?"
Singers,Catatafish made a salmon suck asshole.
Catatafish,"No! No, see, that's wrong! It's being exaggerated again!"
Kyle,Just tell us where Lemmiwinks is being held prisoner so we can kill this stupid rat!
Catatafish,"Careful child! I assure you, Wikileaks is anything but stupid, except when he said I made that teenage fish perform ass to trout. That was stupid and untrue. Did I say ass to trout? I meant to say bass to mouth, though I guess it's basically the same thing, not that I did it."
Principal Victoria,"Alright, are we sure we're alone?"
Mr. Mackey,"We're alone, now what the hell are we gonna do?"
Mr. Adler,What can we do? We're all gonna get fired!
Principal Victoria,This story hasn't gone up on Eavesdropper yet. Maybe it won't!
Mr. Mackey,"Oh right! ""The School Faculty Tries To Poison All Their Students."" That's not gonna be on Wikileaks!"
Mr. Adler,"Oh, let's just face it: We made our beds when we enlisted Eric Cartman's help. We have to lie in them."
Mr. Mackey,All we were tryin' to do was keep another one of our students from killing themselves! We're not bad!
Principal Victoria,"No, no, we're not bad."
Mr. Mackey,"We're not bad. I mean, maybe what we needed was just to think outside the box here. I mean, if there's anything we've learned is that the only thing that makes a juicy story go away is a juicier story."
Principal Victoria,What's a bigger story than all the students being made sick?
Mr. Adler,Our students committing suicide?
Mr. Mackey,Hey that's right. Corey Duran killed himself last year and we're STILL dealing with the fallout. Maybe there is a way out of this. But we're gonna have to throw Eric Cartman under the bus.
Mr. Adler,How do we do that?
Mr. Mackey,We get a bus... and then we... throw Eric Cartman under it.
Mother,Yes?
Stan,Hi. Does a Vernon Trumski live here?
Mother,"Yes, Vernon's around somewhere."
Stan,"Come on, guys!"
Catatafish,Excuse me.
Butters,There he is!  It's Lemmiwinks!
Stan,"Quick, we need something to carry him in!"
Kyle,Here's a shoebox!
Vernon,Hey! What are you doing with my gerbil?!
Stan,"We just need to borrow him, kid."
Vernon,MOOOM! SOME KIDS ARE STEALING MY GERBIL!
Stan,"Look dude, we don't have much time. Wikileaks is about to post his biggest scoop ever on Eavesdropper! Lemmiwinks can stop him!"
Vernon,MOOOM!
Frog King,"There's no time, children! You must take Lemmiwinks now!"
Kyle,Grab him!
Vernon,MOOOM!
Singers,Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks!
Frog King,Quickly! We must get to the school!
Stan,"Whoa whoa wait, wait!"
Singers,"Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Run, run, the battle's on!"
Stan,Can't this thing go any faster?
Butters,"Hang on, Lemmiwinks!"
Singers,"Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks! Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Run, run, the battle's on!"
Stan,"Craig, are we still clear?"
Craig,Nothing broke on the Web site yet.
Frog King,Faster driver! The final battle is about to begin!
Singers,Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks!
Kyle,What the hell happened?!
Mr. Mackey,"Oh! Oh God! Oh God he killed himself! Eric Cartman killed himself! Did you see that? Oh why would he do it?  Oh wait uh here, here's a suicide note. Mkay.  Dear Guys, I just cannot go on mkay. I'm tired of being FAT, mkay, and I have to end it all. Mkay. -Eric Cartman."
Stan,"Please, can this wait? A big story is about to about to come out on Eavesdropper and we have the only way to stop it!"
Mr. Mackey,"Well why the hell didn't you say so! Come on, let's go!"
Sparrow Prince,Go by car!
Singers,Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks!
Frog King,"Quickly, while Lemmiwinks still has it in him!"
Singers,"Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Run, run, the battle's on!"
Stan,"Stop right there, you little rat!"
Singers,"Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks! Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks!"
Frog King,"Wikileaks, you have chosen a path of evil and now you shall pay. Sparrow Prince, Catatafish!"
Frog King,"Oh dude, he is fucking him up!"
Butters,Look! I think Lemmiwinks killed him!
Frog King,He did it!
Mr. Mackey,"Okay, let's just delete all this tabloid garbage, mkay."
Stan,Phew. I'm sure glad that's over with.
Kyle,"Yeah, but you know? I think we all learned an important lesson about laughing at other people's misfortunes."
Cartman,"Boy, I say."
Mr. Mackey,"Oh Eric! Uh, Eric, I know we kinda threw you under the bus, mkay, but I hope you understand the faculty didn't really have a choice."
Cartman,It's okay Mr. Mackey. I'm totally over it.
Mr. Mackey,"Well I think you're being very mature about this, Eric. It was an overly generous move to give all the faculty those cupcakes. I wanna thank you. Mkay."
Cartman,"Oh, you're most certainly welcome."
Mr. Mackey,"Well students, why don't we uh-  Oooh. Oh, gee, uh..."
Cartman,"Are you feeling okay, Mr. Mackey?"
Mr. Mackey,"Yeah, I j-I just uh I'll be right back. Oh!  Aaaah! Oh it's bad!  Excuse me kids, I need to run, I gotta WUUGH!  OW!"
Cartman,I put a lot of Arby's horsey sauce on those.
Mr. Mackey,"Okay, can somebody get me some paper towels?? Or maybe a  Ooowww, okay!  Ooohhh, it's bad!"
Frog King,"Congratulations, Lemmiwinks."
Sparrow Prince,"Thanks to you, private lives will stay private."
Catatafish,"Yes, we are all free once again to make teenagers do bass to mouth."
Frog King,Just one question Lemmiwinks: How does it feel to have killed your own brother?  Le-Lemmiwinks?  He's devastated.
Sparrow Prince,"Yup, he's devastated."
Randy,"I mean, look guys, I know it's just the Dolphins, but Tebow is definitely our quarterback for the future. What do you think, Nelson?"
Nelson,I didn't see the game.
Randy,You didn't see the game? What the hell were you doing?
Nelson,Took the wife down to Denver to see that new musical in town.
Randy,A musical?  Nelson couldn't watch football 'cause his wife made him take her to a musical!
Worker 1,"Good for you, Nelson. Did you get a blowjob afterwards?"
Nelson,Sure did.
Worker 2,Niice.
Randy,What?
Worker 1,I took my girl to see that show last week. Got the best hummer of my entire life afterwards.
Nelson,Forty-five minutes non-stop.
Randy,Nuh uh.
Worker 2,It's true. I'm taking my wife on Saturday bro.
Randy,Noh uh.
Nelson,"I'm telling you Randy, put your time in with the musical, and the rewards afterwards are awesome."
Randy,Must be... a pretty hot and steamy show. What's it called?
Nelson,Wicked.
Randy,Oh. Wicked.
Singers,"...Heaven knows we know what goodness isO heaven knows wicked people aren't good.From head to toe, she was just wicked peopleHead to toe...She wasn't good, to know what goodness is..."
Randy,"Hey do you uh, do you want some alcohol or somethin', Sharon?"
Sharon,"Nono, I'm good, thanks."
Randy,"Okay, I'll be right back.  'Scuse me, sorry."
Randy,Can I get a scotch and soda?
Man 1,Enjoying the show?
Randy,"Oh, yeah, it's not really what I expected."
Man 1,No?
Randy,"To be honest, I'm just here for the blowjob. From what I heard I figured the show must be really sexy and hot, but... I just don't see it happening."
Man 1,"Oh, it'll happen, don't worry. Right now your wife is being shot so full of subliminal messages, all she'll be thinking about afterwards is ""blowjob."""
Randy,Subliminal messages?
Man 1,"It's a musical thing. Women are so caught up in all the singing and dancing they don't even notice it but, there's a blowjob reference almost every ten seconds. Broadway writers call it ""subtext."" Just listen really, really closely."
The Wizard,"While you'll do great here in the Emerald City, I'm sure you can't wait to go!"
Singers,Take me away to that special place (that blowjob place)Where people like us can all live free (Free to give blowjobs)Take me away and let's live togetherThat's the place/blowjobs for you (blowjobs) and me
Witches,Now let's try ... defying ................... gravity ...
Male,"....... Look at them ... becoming friends ... here in Oz, you love blowjobs."
Witches,And new loves cry ... defying ................... gravity ...
Male,....... Suddenly ... Don't you love free love blowjobs?
Sharon,"Oho that was so much fun! All the costumes and the sets were amazing! I really love the songs. That Stephen Schwartz is a genius! I've got them all stuck in my head.  Hey, that was such a treat. How would you like a little treat?"
Randy,"Whoa, no way!"
Stan,"Come on, Larry!  Dude, why does this happen every time?"
Shelly,"Do something, you stupid vegan!"
Cartman,Coach! Feegan the vegan won't jump off the board! Hey Coach!
Randy,"You just don't get it, Stotch! I'm telling you, go see Wicked! It's the best time!"
Man 2,How long was it?
Randy,"She started in the car, and then it lasted the whole drive home, and then, she kept going for like another twenty minutes."
Worker 2,"Nice, bro!"
Randy,"Get tickets, Stotch, it's worth it."
Stephen,What was the show about?
Randy,"Uh, shit, I don't know, some green chick and a goat or something."
Stan,"Come on, Feegan, either jump or get off!"
Shelly,Go! Go!
Randy,"Look, I thought Broadway musicals weren't for me either, but I just didn't know about the whole subtext thing, you know? I couldn't really appreciate 'em till now."
Worker 2,"Wicked isn't even the best, bro. You've gotta check out Jersey Boys! It makes women hummer crazy!"
Randy,Really??
Worker 1,"Nonono, have you see South Pacific? That's a jaw-breaker."
Randy,"Say Sharon, how would you like to go to New York for the weekend?"
Sharon,"What?? Randy, are you serious??"
Randy,I got plane tickets and a hotel room! We leave in three hours!
Sharon,"Oh my God, first you take me to Wicked and now this?"
Stan,"Hey wait, Dad, are you guys really going away? What about us?"
Randy,Oh don't worry. I've taken care of everything! You're staying the weekend with the Feegans!
Shelly,Not the vegans!
Stan,No. Dad. Please don't do this!
Mr. Feegan,"It takes a lot of guts to be a vegan in today's world! You get labeled ""soft"" or ""silly.""  But the truth is there isn't a need to eat animal products. Would you ever believe that hot dog was vegan?"
Shelly,Yes.
Mr. Feegan,"Cancer, heart disease, drowning, all preventable with a vegan diet and a life jacket. And if people wanna say us vegans are silly, well they can just laugh all they want, 'cause being vegan is more important than being popular!"
Shelly,Maybe you should let your son decide that for himself.
Mr. Feegan,He does decide for himself! Larry's been a vegan since he was born!
Shelly,Maybe if Larry had a nice steak once in a while he wouldn't get beat up by every kid in school.
Mr. Feegan,"You know that when you think you have the flu, you're actually experiencing the gastrointestinal effects of contaminated meats or eggs? Researchers have found that in meat-eating households there is more fecal bacteria in the kitchen sinks than in the toilets."
Stan,"Dad? Dad, you have to come back. This isn't working out.  Please answer the phone Dad.  Dad?"
Country Singer,"Man time! I need some Man Time!I got the horses fed and the truck locked up, been workin' my fingers to the bone.Now I need a little bit of man time, gonna see me a Broadway show!"
Female Sailor,Anything goes
Male Sailor 1,Blowjob!
Female Sailor,Anything goes
Male Sailor 2,Blowjob!
Singers,Man time!
Females,Hear things more clearly
Males,Day blowjob day!
Country Singer,"I'm about to get drunk and loud, gonna have me a rowdy good time.All I need is my girl and my truck and some Rodgers and Hammerstein!"
Christine,AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
The Phantom,"''Sing, my angel of blowjob music!"
Female,But the tigers come at night!
Male,On you bed
Singers,Man time!
Males,"...........job, blowjob."
Females,"It's cold up here, I'm locked up here"
Singers,Man time!
Singers,Man time!
Randy,"Oh man! It was great! A different Broadway show every night! I'm telling you guys, New York is the place to be!"
Man 2,"Sounds like a dream, bro."
Randy,"It felt like a dream, bro. Broadway is simply the greatest time a dude can have. Just kind of sucks to be back here now, you know? I mean there's no culture here. Only Broadway show in Denver is ""Wicked"" and I've already taken Sharon to see it twenty three times."
Worker 1,And Wicked moves to Seattle in a couple of weeks.
Nelson,It's gonna be blue balls for all of us.
Stephen,Wish we could live in New York where all the musicals are.
Randy,Hey. Wait a minute. Why not bring Broadway to South Park?
Bob,Huh?
Randy,"Think about it, brah. How hard can writing a musical be? We need some musicians, some actors. We can put on our own shows right here in town."
Lady 1,O what a glorious Sunday. I know what I'd like to do with my time.''Would you like a blowjob?
Man 3,Yes I would like a blowjob
Both,Nothing beats a blowjob on football Sunday.
Lady 1,"Excuse me, I'm the queen of blowjobs."
Man 4,Really? I would love a blowjob.
All,A woman should give blowjobs on football Sunday
Lady 1,I want to be covered in semen on a bed in the Hotel JeromeA woman is prettiest covered in semen.
All,Give you husband a blowjob when you get home.
Man 4,"And what about you, my fair lady? Could I trouble you for a quick Lewinsky?"
Lady 2,"Oh I don't know, kind sir. Blowjobs seem a little degrading to me."
Man 4,"Come now, a blowjob isn't with your mouth, it's with your heart."
Men,Now get on your knees and put that heart to work!
All,"Blowjobs, give up your blowjobs."
Men,"You're guilty at blowjobs, you love giving blowjobs"
Women,"... Blowjobs, ...blowjobs, ...blowjobs, ...blowjobs"
Singers,So what could be better on a football Sunday? What could be better on a football Sunday?
Shelly,"What do you want, Larry?"
Larry,"Today, I went to 7-11 and I ate a Slim Jim. It was the greatest thing I ever tasted. Nobody ever stood up for me before."
Lady 1,Oh Reginald! How about a hummer at halftime? A Super Bowl suckle from me?
Reginald,A Supwerbowl hummer at halftime from my lovely blowjob queen!
Both,Two people in love it's amazing. Tim Tebow please don't let us down. How about a hummer at halftime-?
Representative,Mr. Randy Marsh?
Randy,"And hold!  Sorry folks, we're in a hold. Just freeze right there.  Uhh, this better be important."
Representative,It is. I represent some of the biggest names in all of Broadway. They wish to speak with you.
Randy,"Really? Oh my Gaw!  Take a break, guys. this could be it!"
Representative,"Mr. Marsh, this is Andrew Lloyd Webber"
Webber,Helleow.
Representative,Stephen Schwartz
Schwartz,Hey bro.
Representative,Mr. Elton John.  and Stephen Sondheim.
Sondheim,Sup bro?
Randy,"Not much, sup with you guys?"
Sondheim,"No. I mean, ""sup, bro!"""
Webber,"Sit down, Mr. Marsh, we need to have a talk."
Schwartz,We got wind of your musical. Just what the hell do you think you're doing?
Randy,"Same as you guys. Trying to get men lengthier, better-quality blowjobs."
Elton John,You're making it too obvious! Women are gonna figure out what we're doin'!
Sondheim,Musicals are about subtext!
Randy,My musical has lots of subtext.
Sondheim,"""A blowjob isn't with your mouth, it's with your heart. Now get on your knees and put that heart to work."""
Randy,And then she does. It's a metaphor.
Schwartz,"Bro! What's metaphorical about a musical called ""Splooge-Drenched Blowjob Queen""?!"
Webber,Tricking bitches into hour-long blowjobs is an art form. You have to leave it to the professionals!
Randy,Well sorry if you guys think you have a monopoly on subtext! But us up-and-comers have a voice too!
Sondheim,"You're gonna ruin everything, you idiot!"
Randy,"Sorry if my work isn't up to your standards!  And now I need to get back to rehearsals.  Oh. And if ""Splooge-Drenched Blowjob Queen"" wins the Tony, don't expect to be invited to my after party."
Shelly,"What do you want, Larry?"
Larry,"You make me come out of my shell, Shelly.You give me strength where there was only fearI ate at a Burger King today, ShellyAnd stood up to a boy who called me ""queer""When you pushed me off the diving board I...fell.And you make the world a nicer place, ShellySo I can come out of my... shell."
Shelly,Hey!  Do you wanna play Settlers of Catan on Xbox?
Actors,"Blow--- job--- Queen!Don't stop giving that blowjob. Even when you're tired, don't stop! Don't stop!Shaaaaroooon!"
Worker 2,"Randy! Randy, brah!"
Randy,"Uh, and hold.  Sorry folks, we're in a hold.  What is it now?"
Worker 2,"Stephen Sondheim is really pissed off, Randy. He says he wants to challenge you to a bro down."
Randy,Fine! He wants to bro down?! I'll bro down!
Worker 2,"Randy, no! Stephen Sondheim is the greatest Broadway composer alive today! Perhaps the greatest of all time! You do NOT want to bro down with him."
Randy,Then what am I supposed to do?! Run?
Man 2,"Don't bro down against Sondheim, Randy! It's suicide!"
Randy,I've studied musicals! I've seen them all! I could do this!  Let's bro down!
Larry,"Oh no, you built another settlement?"
Shelly,And I got a victory point for the most roads connecting settlements.
Larry,Oh wow!
Mrs. Feegan,"They're having such a great time together. I really wanna thank you, Sharon."
Sharon,"No, no, little Larry is really making Shelly come out of her shell too."
Mrs. Feegan,"I have to admit it makes me a little nervous having Larry up there without a life preserver on, but I guess we have to take changes sometimes."
Sharon,"That's what we're doing, putting our faith in Randy's new musical."
Mrs. Feegan,"That's right, I, I hear his musical is getting a lot of attention, that it really has a chance of making it."
Sharon,"Oho, more than a chance. Randy's actually having a meeting right now with Stephen Sondheim."
Randy,Whassup brah?!
Sondheim,What brah?!
Randy,Sup brah?!
Sondheim,"Take a swing, brah!"
Randy,"Right here, brah!"
Webber,"Let's go, Sondheim! Wipe the street with his punk ass!"
Randy,What makes you the brauthority brah?!
Sondheim,"West Side Story, brah!"
Randy,What brah?!
Sondheim,"Sweeney Todd, brah!"
Randy,What brah?! What brah?!
Sondheim,"Merrily We Rode Along, bro! Why you gotta disrespect, bro?!"
Randy,"I do respect you, bro!"
Sondheim,"Show some respect, bro!"
Randy,"I do respect you, bro!"
Sondheim,"Then stop disrespectin', bro!"
Randy,"I respect you, bro!"
Sondheim,"Okay, I respect you too!"
Randy,Okay!
Schwartz,The bro down is over! Let's bro out!
Spectator,Bro out!
Spectator 2,Party people!
Randy,"Oh man, I'm so glad we put our differences aside! That's what bros do!"
Schwartz,That's what bros fuckin' do!
Sondheim,"You're alright, Marsh. If it's cool with you, bro, Elton and Andrew and all of us wanna help you with your musical."
Randy,"Hey, really??"
Elton John,Yeh. We can help youse out a li'l bit with the subtext.
Webber,"How about instead of ""Splooge-Drenched Blowjob Queen"" we call it... ""The Woman In White"""
Randy,"Oh, that is beautiful!"
Bros,Yeeeeeeeah!
Sondheim,And a cheer to Randy Marsh. Welcome... to Bro'dway.
Randy,Bro'dwaaay!
Sondheim,Wooooooooooo!
Webber,Woohoo!
Randy,Ooof.
Sharon,Hey hun.
Randy,"Hi babe. Sorry, I'm...  kind of hanging out with the guys."
Sharon,"Ruhur-Randy, it's fine. You do plenty with me. Did you have a good time?"
Randy,"Yeah, yeah, and we really made some progress with the show. Andrew Lloyd Webber and those guys are gonna help us with it."
Sharon,"Oho Randy, that's great! I'm really proud of you."
Randy,"Aw Sharon, you're the best. I'm not feeling a hundred percent; do you care if I go lay down?"
Sharon,"Of course not, go ahead, hun."
Randy,Alright babe.
Sharon,I'm just gonna wait up for Shelly.
Randy,Okay. What's Shelly doing?
Sharon,"I gave her those tickets to ""Wicked.""  She's seeing it with her little boyfriend."
Randy,She's WHAT?!
Sharon,"Yeah, her and little Larry Feegan. They're going to see ""Wicked"" together. It's Shelly's first Broadway musical."
Randy,OH!  Shelly! Hold on!
Sharon,"Randy, slow down! Jesus Christ!"
Randy,"AWWWWWWW! Why didn't you tell me Shelly was gonna see ""Wicked""?!"
Sharon,Why does it matter?!
Randy,She's too young for that stuff!
Sharon,Too young?!
Randy,This is what I get! I drank from the lie that is Broadway and now it has my daughter!
Sharon,"That's it, Randy! Turn this car around right now!"
Randy,I can't!
Sharon,WHY?!
Randy,"Aww! Alright, look. There's something I should have told you a long time ago, Sharon. Broadway musicals... aren't what you think they are! They're subliminal propaganda to get women to give more blowjobs! On the outside it's all singing and dancing, but buried in it are commands to perform oral sex. It's called subtext."
Sharon,That's ridiculous! Musicals don't make me wanna give blowjobs!
Randy,"D'augh. Do you remember the night after we saw ""Wicked""?"
Sharon,"Yes. Oh... Well, yeah, but-"
Randy,"And after ""Lion King"" in New York? ""Godspell""? ""Mamma Mia""?"
Sharon,Oh my gosh.
Randy,Broadway shows' sole purpose is to make women famished for blowjobs! I'm so sorry Sharon.
Sharon,"Nuh-nn No, this is crazy! Musical theater people are respected. Refined. Cultured."
Randy,"No, they're... they're bros, Sharon. Stephen Sondheim, Elton John, Andrew Lloyd Webber... They're total bros who hang out at Hooters. Sharon, I'm so sorry."
Sharon,"It can't be! I've loved Broadway musicals ever since I saw ""Grease"" with Jacob Harrison and his brother Kip and we-  Oh my God!"
Randy,AAAA!
Sharon,AAAA!
Randy,Shelly!
Singers,"No one cares about wicked people.Now she's gone but we don't care.And are we gonna live in peace, and all live free, you'll see.O Heaven knows we know what goodness isO heaven knows wicked people aren't good.From head to toe-"
Randy,"Shelly? Shelly?  Shelly, come on. We have to go!"
Shelly,"Dad, what are you doing here?"
Randy,"Right now, Shelly!  Shelly, you are not watching this trash! Now, come on!"
Elderly Man,Would you mind?! I'm trying to enjoy this musical with my granddaughter!
Randy,Oh you fucking pervert!
Usher,"Alright, get the hell out of here, you!"
Randy,Shelly!
Sharon,"Randy!  Randy, what are you doing?!"
Randy,It's time to put an end to Broadway once and for all!
The Wizard,"While you'll do great here in the Emerald City, I'm sure you can't wait to go!"
Singers,Take me away to that special place (that blowjob place)Where people like us can all live free (Free to give blowjobs)Take me away and let's live togetherThat's the place/blowjobs for you (blowjobs) and me
Audience,Ohhhh.
Audience Member,"Hey, it's Spider-Man"
Randy,Sorry! Sorry.
Randy,Agh!
Announcer,"Sorry folks, we are in a hold. We are in a hold."
Audience,Awwwwww.
Field Reporter,The musical came to a screeching halt as patrons flooded out the exits and water flooded the theater.  The only fatality was a young boy who could not get out of the theater in time. The fire chief said it was unfortunate the child was not wearing a life preserver.
Randy,"Shelly, I'm sorry your little friend was killed by Spider-Man tonight. Just know that... for Spider-Man to do what he did, he must have had a very good reason. Spider-Man works in mysterious ways, Shelly. And wherever he is, he loves you."
Randy,"It's just so... wrong! For men to m- manipulate women like that! I don't care how much singing and dancing there is, a woman's mouth is sacred! Tomorrow I am calling Woman's Day magazine, and exposing the whole conspiracy!  I'm sorry, Sharon. I love you.  I shouldn't have tried to brainwash you. You have every right to be mad."
Sharon,I don't know if I can really be that mad at you for doing something every guy in America does.
Randy,Really?
Sharon,"Oh Randy,  the bottom line is I love going to those shows. If the fallout from that is I make you really happy for a while, well, I guess they're actually a pretty magical thing."
Randy,"Oh Sharon, you're the best."
Sharon,"So, what Broadway show do you think is coming to Denver next?"
Randy,"I don't know, but whatever it is, it's worth the ticket price, because couples that pay to see it are stronger, better, and much, much happier."
Announcer,"""The Book of Mormon."" You'll get a blowjob."
Board Rep,"Last week the students of this school participated in the Presidential Fitness Test. I'm sad to announce that South Park Elementary scored the lowest in health and fitness in the entire country.  On the whole, you students actually scored fine. But the President's Fitness Test is scored on a school-wide average, and one fourth grader at this school scored so low, with a terrifying body fat score, , and high blood pressure and the cholesterol levels of a seventy-year-old man, that it actually brought you entire school's average down to the lowest in the country.  However, the Presidential Fitness Program never wants to single out one child, because then that child might feel bad. And so as far as we're concerned, you're all a bunch of fat fuckin' pigs."
Principal Victoria,"Ah, could you please use a little different terminology?"
Board Rep,"Sorry. As far as the board is concerned, you're all a bunch of fat fuckin' pigs. And so it is the recommendation of this board that every week, each class will alternate turns, giving up their recesses and instead reporting to PE."
Assembly,AWWW!
Coach,"Alright, fourth grade class, you're up first. We're gonna do some rope-climbin'."
Stan,God this sucks!
Kyle,Four weeks we gotta do this?
Cartman,"Well let's just suck it up, guys. All we can try to do is have a positive attitude about it."
Coach,"Alright McCormick, let's start with you. Climb the rope."
Cartman,"Heheh! Look at Kenny. He's so poor, huh you guys? His family's so poor they couldn't pay the three ninety nine for the gym outfit."
Coach,"Alright, let's go Broflovski."
Cartman,"Heheheheheh! Look you guys, a Jew on a rope. You know what they call a Jew on a rope?"
Stan,"Alright Cartman, stop ripping on other people to make yourself less embarrassed about the fact that we're all here because of you!"
Cartman,"Hey whoa, we are here because the average score was low. That's about all of us."
Stan,Because of you! It's your fault that we have to do this! We have to do this because you're unhealthy!
Craig,Yeah. We're paying for your being fat.
Cartman,"Wow, Craig. I can't believe you just went there. Here we were having a perfectly nice conversation about Kenny being poor and Kyle being a Jew, and you just decided to go 9/11 and bust out the fat quip."
Wendy,"We ARE here because of you, Eric, so just keep your mouth shut!"
Cartman,Oh my God! Why doesn't everyone just back off?! I know how this works: You're the 99% ganging up on the 1%!
Clyde,Oh grow up.
Cartman,Jesus Christ!! The 99% is totally ganging up on me!
Stan,"That's what we mean by ""grow up"" dude! Stop being a baby!"
Craig,"Yeah, why don't you go home and cry to your stuffed animals again?!"
Cartman,"Ngh, and then, and then Wendy said that they were the 99% and I was the 1% and that made me not keeeewl."
Clyde Frog,"But Eric, you are cool."
Cartman,"I know, Clyde Frog, but now the 99% is saying everything is my faaault."
Peter Panda,"It's not your fault, Eric. How can they blame you for what is clearly President Obama's fault?"
Cartman,"What do you mean, Peter Panda?"
Peter Panda,You didn't make that stupid Presidential Fitness Test. Obama did.
Polly Prissypants,"Yeah, that's right Eric. You don't need to grow up. You are awesome and keeewl."
Cartman,Thanks Polly Prissypants. I'm just so scared that all the kids at school are gonna be talkin' about me behind my back.
Butters,"Ehe, and so then, Skeletor told Terminator he wanted a divorce, and apparently it's all gonna be finalized soon."
Stan,"Dude, Butters, how many times do we have to go over this? That's not Skeletor, that's a woman named Maria Shriver."
Butters,"Uh but, then, why does his face look like that?"
Cartman,"What? What?! WHAT?! What are you guys talking about? What are you guys doin'—What are you talking about? I knew it! You guys are having a big 99% rally, aren't you?! Occupying the cafeteria?! You wanna know why you guys are all here protesting?! Because you're pissed off, but you actually think it's wrong to be pissed off at a black president, so you're all just pissed off at ME! Well go ahead! Have your little rally to figure out how to stick it to the 1%! See what it gets you!"
Butters,"Hey, you know? Eric is right. Maybe we should form a 99% club."
Jimmy,"Yeah. It's not a bad idea. If all the students unite, we can work together to fight the f-f-fit."
Fifth Grader,Yeah. The fifth graders agree. We're all being punished for one lazy bitch. Let's make him suffer.
Jimmy,All we need is some good old-fashioned di... di... di... diplomacy.
Jimmy,"Hello sir, we are here on behalf of all fourth graders at South Park Elementary."
Board Rep,"Aahh yes, the Fatty Boombalatty class. How's the extra PE treating you?"
Butters,"Sir, we believe your fitness system is flawed, and that for 99% of us, it is unfair."
Board Rep,What do you want me to do about it?
Jimmy,"Well, sir, we believe that the 1% should be dropped from the fitness results, so that our scores can be more accurate."
Board Rep,"'Fraid that's impossible. The National Fitness Test has very specific standards. No one child can ever be made to feel singled out. We don't even like to use the term ""physically fit"" anymore because it can make a student feel unphysically fit, and then that student might end up feeling like a total retard."
Jimmy,"...Excuse me, can you use a different terminology please?"
Board Rep,A-and then that fourth grader might end up feeling like a total retard.
Butters,"Sir, all of the students already know who the 1% is."
Jimmy,All you're doing is making the other 99% more angry. I warn you: this could turn very ugly.
Cartman,"Mom, have you been here all day?!"
Liane,"No, sweetie, I've been at the hair salon. Why?"
Cartman,Somebody's been in my room!  Fucking 99%ers! What did they take?!
Liane,"Are you sure, sweetie?"
Cartman,Am I sure?? Look at this place!
Liane,But who would want to s-
Cartman,"Don't you get it Mom?! People voted for Obama, so now that everything sucks they have to blame me!  They didn't take my Stormtrooper watch...  My Arkham City game is still here... what else could they have-   Oh my God.  Clyde Frog!"
Liane,What?
Cartman,No.  NOOO!  CLYDE FROG!!  They took Clyde Frog!
Cartman,Clyde Frog! Clyde!? Clyde Frog?!  Clyde. CLYDE FROG!
Cartman,"I've known Clyde Frog since I was two years old. He was a fighter, a visionary. But most of all, Clyde Frog was the perfect friend. He never said anything. He never had his own ideas about what he wanted to do. He just sat there goin' along with whatever I wanted. A noble trait that seems lost on you 99%ers.  And now we live in a world where one of you has decided to become a murderer. Well whoever you are, I'm sure you're sitting there right now, in your little green hat, with your left cheek resting against your hand thinking, ""I'm not getting away with this, am I?"" Because whoever you are, maybe you still have one little piece of humanity left, covered up and tainted black by years of Jewish propaganda and left-wing lies. Maybe you should just-"
Kyle,"Shut the hell up, Cartman!"
Cartman,Got something to say Kyle?!
Kyle,How do you murder a stuffed animal?!
Cartman,"How do you murder a stuffed animal?! You tell us, Kyle!  Butbut but but, but uh but let's not get ahead of ourselves. There's still a biiig investigation to come. And until we prove beyond a reasonable doubt who the killer was, you are all just as guilty as Kyle. Thank you so much. Bagpipes please."
Cartman,"Fly, fly little dove, to the welcome arms of Christ above. Your tears are finally gone to-"
Craig,Where's our five dollars?
Cartman,Fly bu-what?
Craig,It said in the e-mail if we came we each got five dollars.
Stan,Yeah.
Cartman,Five dollars has been donated in each of your names to the Clyde Frog Foundation. Fly fly fly...
Class,AWWW!
Kid 1,Come on!
Kid 2,Screw this.
Kid 4,"Hurry up, screw this."
Cartman,"Oh fine, go on and leave! I'm gonna find out who did this to Clyde, and I'm gonna have your fuckin' balls! Fly to Christ."
Receptionist,"Sir? Sir, do you remember the kids from that South Park Elementary School?"
Board Rep,"Oh yes, the Boom Boom Chubby Choom Choom school."
Receptionist,"They're all protesting outside, saying our system isn't fair to the 99% of them."
Board Rep,"Oh my Jesus! Oh, not a 99% rally."
Butters,I sure hope this works.
Field Reporter 1,"Tom, I'm reporting from the middle of a protest where two fourth grade students are fed up, and have decided to occupy Red Robin. Occupy Red Robin has been going on for several hours now, and boys, technically I am part of the 99% so, what do I have to say about all this?"
Cartman,Thank you all so much for coming. I realize that Clyde Frog's death is as shocking to all of you as it is to me.
Peter Panda,Why would somebody do such a terrible thing?
Polly Prissypants,"Why would somebody hurt Clyde Frog, Eric? Especially because you are so awesome and keewl."
Cartman,"I know that I'm awesome and keewl, Polly Prissypants, but it has little relevance at the moment to Clyde Frog's murder!"
Rumpertumskin,"Let's stop the charades, Eric, and let's get down to business."
Cartman,"What do you mean, Rumpertumskin?"
Rumpertumskin,"We all know who fuckin' killed Clyde Frog, and she's the same dirty slut who's been fucking with us our whole lives!"
Liane,"Eric, sweetie, is everything okay?"
Polly Prissypants,Does everything look okay?
Peter Panda,"Sit down, you fucking bitch."
Cartman,"Yes, sit down, mother. We are all having a tea party."
Liane,"Uh sweetie, I see that you're a little... disturbed right now, but, maybe you can-"
Polly Prissypants,"Shut your fat piehole, bitch!"
Rumpertumskin,"Yeah! You know what you did, skank! You let Clyde Frog get murdered!"
Liane,"No, Rumpertumskin, I didn't. I swear."
Muscleman Marc,"Then why did you write in your diary ""It was probably time for Eric to grow out of his stuffed animals"" anyway?!"
Cartman,"That's an excellent point, Muscleman Marc. Please continue."
Muscleman Marc,"Well, all I'm saying, Eric, is that-"
Liane,"Sweetie, you really can just talk to me if you-"
Muscleman Marc,"ALL I'M SAYING, ERIC, is that you went through your mom's diary for a reason!"
Liane,"Eric, I promise you, I didn't do anything to your favorite toy. Whoever did this to you, I hate them as much as you do, and I'd do anything to get to the bottom of it."
Cartman,"So then, we are all going to need some... more tea."
Sgt. Yates,"You'd better give me every cop you've got on the South Side! I don't care where ABC parks their truck, as long as it doesn't block the fire trucks!  Jesus, this protest is getting out of hand! Alright, what exactly are we dealing with?"
Officer 1,"It's no good. The protest has quadrupled in size since this morning. As you can see from this aerial photograph, the protest covers almost two square miles. We have right officers here, here, and here. The media has been contained in this area."
Sgt. Yates,And where are the actual protesters?
Officer 1,"Oh, these two people right here."
Sgt. Yates,How are we gonna contain this ting?!
Officer 2,I'm afraid it's about to get worse. You see this area here? This is where we're setting up the stage for Bon Jovi.
Sgt. Yates,Bon Jovi?
Officer 2,"These are good cops! We can't have them standing around for hours without some entertainment! The problem is, with this area blocked by napping tents, we have no place to serve the officers beer."
Sgt. Yates,Damnit! Don't these protesters know what this is all heading towards?  Full-on class warfare.
Cartman,"What the hell?!  Mom? Mom, my room is...  AAAH!! PETER PANDA!!"
Fireman 1,The fire started with this. Definitely a case of arson. Somebody hates this kid.
Cartman,Don't you touch him! Leave him alone!  Peter Panda!
Peter Panda,"Eh, Eric."
Cartman,"Don't try to talk, Peter Panda! You're gonna be okay!"
Peter Panda,Eric... Remember...  Stay... keeewl.
Fireman 2,"Sorry kid, we need to take this as evidence."
Cartman,Noohoho! Peter Panda nooo!
Female Reporter,"The 99%ers movement continues to grow as more and more Americans occupy Red Robin. I asked some of the people exactly what they hoped to accomplish.  And sir, what do you hope to accomplish by this movement?"
Patron,"I like the uh, A1 Peppercorn Burger. And they got ummm, bo-bottomless fries."
Female Reporter,"And as the protesters inside Red Robin unite together, word is that filmmaker Michael Moore has joined the protesters outside."
Michael Moore,I look at the faces of you protesters and I see the future of America! We are the 99%! YESSS!!
Kyle,"Hey dude, ah are you the guys messing with Cartman's stuffed animals?"
Fifth Grader,Maybe we are and maybe we aren't. You got any proof?
Stan,"Well, just... you and your friends were the ones saying Cartman needs to suffer?"
Fifth Grader,That doesn't prove anything. That fat little fuck is finally getting what's coming to him.
Kyle,"Yeah, but dude, he seriously could have died in that fire."
Fifth Grader,He's in your class but you don't deal with him! So we are gonna remedy the situation! We've got big plans! Just stay out of our way and let the men handle this!
Liane,Thank you so much for allowing Eric and I to stay here.
Bob,Of course. You can't be staying in a home with that much fire damage.
Linda,"To be honest, we're just a little surprised your son begged you to stay with us. We never knew your son and our son were so close."
Liane,"I asked little Eric where he would feel safest, and he said with his friend Token."
Cartman,"This window locks from the inside, right? And this door has a lock on it too? Don't worry Polly Prissypants, you're gonna be safe here. In this day and age, black people are just impervious to being fucked with, so we will be alright."
Token,Why are you involving me in this?
Cartman,"Token, please. You're the only person I can trust. Because in today's time, black people are somehow incapable of doing something wrong."
Field Reporter 2,"Breaking news from the Occupy Red Robin movement. The protesters have decreased in number from two to one, as one of the protesters has apparently splintered off from the group to start a new movement: Occupy the Restroom."
Field Reporter 1,"Tom, Occupy the Restroom has been going on for almost thirty minutes now. Certainly a sign that this country is more divided than ever. These 99%ers are fed up,  and as a result you can clearly see this restroom is ""OCCUPIED.""  Uh, Tom, it looks like the movement is finished, but from the time it took, it must have been a pretty decent-sized movement."
Token,Will you stop changing channels and just pick something?
Cartman,"What do you wanna watch, Polly Prissypants?"
Token,This is my room! I'll take the remote from you!
Cartman,"Muh uh, 'cause I'll tell my mom on you when our parents get home."
Token,You're a guest here! Your mom isn't in charge!
Cartman,"Naw uh, 'cause my house got burned down, so everyone has to feel bad for me.  What is that? WHAT IS THAT?!"
Token,That's the alarm; someone's in the back yard.
Cartman,What?! Who?!
Token,I don't know.
Cartman,"I thought I was safe here! Stay there guys, I'll be right back!"
Cartman,"Who's there?!  Lock that door behind you, Token.  Black people live here!"
Token,A motion detector.
Cartman,"Aha! I knew it was you, Kyle!"
Kyle,"It's not me! I'm here to help you, fatass!"
Cartman,Oh sure!
Stan,"Stop it, Cartman! It's true! We came to keep an eye out. Stephen Tamil said he had something big planned."
Cartman,"Stephen Tamil? The fifth grader?  Oh shit!  I told you to lock that door, Token!  No.  Nononono!  Where are they Kenny??!!"
Kenny,(I don't really know!)
Cartman,HAAAAGH!
Stan,"Hey! Cartman, what the hell are you doing?!"
Cartman,I don't trust any of you assholes!  Where are you sons of bitches?!
Stephen Tamil,Alright guys. You ready?
Classmates,Ready!
Stephen Tamil,Here we GO!
Butters,"Hey, what are you fifth graders doing?"
Stephen Tamil,We are the 83%! We are tired of being punished for the fourth grade class! The fourth grade is stickin' it to the other 83% of the school!
Jimmy,"Now hold on a second, fellas. If you're the 83%, then our class is only 17%."
Butters,"Yeah, how can the 17% be sticking it to the 83%?"
Stephen Tamil,"Because your class had Cartman in it, and he's the 1%!"
Jimmy,"But if he's 1% of 17%, then he's .17%."
Field Reporter 3,This is it. The inevitable has happened at Occupy Red Robin. It is full-on class warfare.
Female Reporter 2,And now class warfare is breaking out. Apparently it is the fourth grade class versus the fifth grade class.
Sgt. Yates,It's here! The class warfare is finally here!
Officer 2,Yeeah!
Cartman,"Hello??  Whoever you are, just give them back! Haven't you done enough to me?!"
Cartman,Muscleman Marc! AAAAAAAA!! AAAAAAAA!!
Cartman,Polly Prissypants! Rumpertumskin!  Jesus Christ!
Rumpertumskin,Eric! Don't come any closer!
Cartman,Who did this to you?!
Rumpertumskin,You said you wouldn't let anything happen to us.
Cartman,"Don't worry, I'll get you down!"
Rumpertumskin,"No Eric, don't come any-"
Cartman,AAAAHAA! AAHAAAA! Rumpertumskin!! RUMPER  Rumpertumskin... WHY? Why did you do this??
Polly Prissypants,"It's okay, Eric. It's over now."
Cartman,Polly... Polly Prissypants... You did this?
Polly Prissypants,"Don't you see? The kids at school were right, Eric. It was time for us to grow up."
Cartman,...You got rid of Clyde Frog... You burned Peter Panda!
Polly Prissypants,"Yes, they're gone. And now we can grow up and be together."
Cartman,They were your FRIENDS!
Polly Prissypants,"They were holding us back! All the kids making fun of you at school, saying you're not keewl! Your stuffed animals all have to be gotten rid of, don't you see?!"
Bob,"Dead-bolted. Token!  Token, you in there?!"
Cartman,"Polly Prissypants, when people find out we did all this, we're gonna get in total trouble!"
Polly Prissypants,"No, I thought of everything! It all happened here so that everyone would think Token did it. All the blame will be on him. And we can live happily ever after."
Cartman,"There's one problem.  You say I have to grow up, to get rid of all my dolls. You forget one crucial thing, Polly Prissypants. That nobody would possibly blame Token for all this because in today's day and age you can't blame a black person for anything."
Polly Prissypants,Oh no! You're totally right! But I thought my plan was perfect! I failed! I failed you! You have to kill me Eric! So that you don't get blamed!
Cartman,Noho! I've lost every stuffed animal; I won't lose you too!
Polly Prissypants,"It's the only way Eric. You have to do it. Please! I can't live with myself after what I've done. Please, you have to do it Eric."
Cartman,"Goodbye, Polly Prissypants. I love you."
Polly Prissypants,"Say ""hello"" to the sunrise for me."
Stan,"Dude, what the hell?"
Kyle,We told him to grow up. So he got rid of his stuffed animals.
Liane,My little Eric can sometimes be a bit... dramatic.
Field Reporter 3,"Occupy Red Robin is over. Class warfare has torn apart the 99% and replaced it with the 30%, the 26%, and even little brackets of 5%s here and there. What does this mean for our country? What oes this mean... for me?"
Officer 2,Hey! Get down to State Street! They're occupying Macaroni Grill!
Field Reporter 3,Oh hell yeah! I'll occupy me some goat-cheese peppadew peppers!
Mr. Garrison,"Okay children, let's all take our seats.  As you all know, Thanksgiving is only two weeks away. And so the school has arranged for a lecture from a real live Native American."
Butters,"Oh neato, huh fellas?"
Guest,"Hello boys and girls. My name is David Running Horse... Sawitsky, and I am one sixteenth Cherokee Indian."
Cartman,Does that mean we only have to pay one sixteenth attention to you?
Sawitsky,"There've been a lot of ""stories"" about the first Thanksgiving, and unfortunately they are mostly geared towards making the Pilgrims look good, and my people being degraded as usual. Was Thanksgiving about turkey and peace? Or was it the beginning of the genocide of an entire race?"
Butters,Thanksgiving is about murder?
Cartman,This is bullcrap! A guest speaker comes to our class and assigns us a report on Thanksgiving?
Kyle,"Well, it is kinda true, you know? Thanksgiving is fun and all, but the Native Americans got pretty screwed over."
Cartman,"Yeah, and now my video game time is getting screwed over by them."
Kyle,"Hey, fatass! Instead of laying in bed eating, why don't you come and help?!"
Cartman,"Jesus Kyle, you are really being crampy today."
Stan,"We all have to do this report together, dude."
Cartman,"You guys, we are wasting time. If we have to write a report on Thanksgiving let's just go downstairs and watch TV."
Kyle,How is that gonna help?!
Cartman,"Dumbass, it's November.  The History Channel is probably playing Thanksgiving specials back to back. We can learn everything we need."
Announcer,"You're watching The History Channel, where the truth is history."
Narrator,A lot has been written about the first Thanksgiving between Pilgrims and Native Americans. but what really happened at that first historic dinner?
Cartman,"Dude, see? I told you. Who needs to read a bunch of stupid books when we've got History Channel?"
Narrator,"We know the first Thanksgiving was in the fall of 1621, but new evidence suggests that the first exchanging of food between the Pilgrims and Native Americans may have been visited by aliens!"
Duncan Everton,"In every journal entry we researched from those early Pilgrims, not one entry mentioned anything about aliens not being there."
Narrator,And what about the food?  Does the appearance of stuffing at the first Thanksgiving suggest a kind of alien technology?
Cartman,Uh-huh??
Kyle,What? This isn't history.
Stan,"Dude, it is called History Channel."
Kenny,(Yeah.)
Charles Biggens,"And if we look in all the journals and aall the history books, there is no reference to stuffing before 1621. So where did it come from? Did it come from space? We just don't know."
Narrator,"Did ancient aliens shape the first Thanksgiving? Is it mere coincidence that Cape Cod, when viewed from space, looks like an alien life form?  What exactly did the Pilgrims experience?  How exactly did those beings from another world shape the dinner we celebrate every November?"
Kyle,What??
Cartman,"Kyle, why are you being so grumpy? Are you on your period again?"
Kyle,We're not basing research for our report on this crap!
Cartman,"Okay, let's take a vote: Who thinks the possibility of ancient aliens at Thanksgiving makes for an interesting history report?"
Kyle,Dude!
Cartman,"Okay, and who wants to take a little Pamprin so their menstrual cramps stop bringing everyone down? Kyle?"
Kyle,"Alright, fine! Let's just get this stupid report over with!"
THC President,Yes? A report from where?  Does Congress know about this yet? Try to keep it contained and get the helicopters ready. I'll be there as soon as I can.
Wife,Darling?
THC President,They found something. This could be it.
Cartman,Did you guys know that when you stop menstruating it's called menopause?
Stan,...What?
Cartman,"Yeah, God takes your period away, and apparently it makes you really irritable? I was thinking maybe that's why Kyle's been so grouchy lately, 'cause he's goin' through menopause."
Kyle,"Dude, shut your fuckin' mouth!"
Cartman,"See what I mean, you guys?"
Agent 1,Is that them?
Agent 2,That's them.
THC President,You boys have been very busy...  We need to know everything that you know.
Stan,'bout what?
THC President,Have you been contacted by alien life forms?
Agent 1,Did you come across some kind of ship or something?
Kyle,"Dude, look, we, we just saw all this stuff on History Channel."
THC President,We are The History Channel.  For years we've been collecting information on Thanksgiving. We're getting close to the truth. And now you boys have exactly the same information. It can't be coincidence.
Kyle,We saw it on your channel.
THC President,What exactly did you seez?!
Stan,"That... stuffing was never heard of before 1621, so it might be alien technology?"
THC President,My God. Would you be willing to say that on camera for an interview?
Steven,"Alright, Butters, that's enough MTV for one day. You need to watch something that stimulates your brain. I'm putting on History Channel."
Butters,Okay Dad.
Announcer,"You're watching the History Channel, the only network dedicated to history. Coming up next, it's Monster Quest! Larrh! Followed by Hairy Bikers. Errh! But now, back to Part 3 of Ancient Aliens at Thanksgiving."
Narrator,"It has become a widely accepted fact that Thanksgiving was a meal attended by Pilgrims, Native Americans, and alien beings."
Stan Marsh,Stuffing wasn't mentioned anywhere until 1621? And it might have been... alien technology?
Narrator,"And while the number of people who accept the alien theory continues to grow, some experts have stepped forward with a wildly different view altogether. Could it be that Pilgrims were actually aliens themselves?"
Kyle Broflovski,"Of course you can't prove there were no aliens at the first Thanksgiving! Just like you can't ""prove"" that... the Pilgrims themselves weren't alien! Can you prove that?! Here: draw that Thanksgiving turkey symbol with your hand! Maybe that symbol matches... galaxies in space or something! OooOoOoOooOOO!"
Narrator,"Could it be that the Pilgrims we've read about all these years actually came from another planet? History experts like Kyle Broflovski say ""yes."""
Kyle,You might as well just say Pilgrims and Indians were all aliens who came here and made some kind of intergalactic treaty!
Stan,"Wow, check it out dude, we're on TV."
Kyle,How can they make a show out of this? I wasn't even agreeing with them.
Sawitsky,What are you doing?!
Kyle,...Uh oh.
Sawitsky,The first Thanksgiving was a space treaty?! Native Americans are aliens?!
Kyle,I was just explaining how a negative argument doesn't make a po-
Sawitsky,Haven't my people been through enough?!  Goddamn you!
Kyle,Ack dude!
Sawitsky,The white man is gonna PAY for his lies!
Agent 2,"Look at this, sir!  An aerial photograph of Cape Cod where the Pilgrims landed in 1620.  Five Pilgrim settlements, with Plymouth Rock here.  The same symbols appear everywhere in history."
Agent 1,"The symbology lines up to mirrored points in space. If Kyle Broflovski is right, then Plymouth Rock is some kind of wormhole."
THC President,Pilgrims and Indians were the aliens! How did we not think of it?!
Agent 3,Sometimes it takes the innocence of a child to make us see the most simple things.
Agent 2,True dat.
THC President,True dat.
THC President,Get all those tourists out of here! We need this place secured!
Agent 4,"Alight people, let's clear out! We need you ALL to disperse!  This area is under quarantine."
THC President,Give me a piece of chalk.  Huh... Nothing.
Agent 5,Guess Kyle Broflovski was wrong.
THC President,"Well, at least we weren't outsmarted by a nine-year-old kid.  We should've known. Pilgrims couldn't be from space."
Agent 6,Here. You can see it right there. An object clearly fell from the sky and struck the Earth.
THC President,What is it?
Agent 6,"It's a Pilgrim, sir."
THC President,"So then, Professor Broflovski was right after all."
Narrator,"Not long ago, it was an accepted fact that civilizations on Earth shared the universe with beings from other planets.  These alien beings visited our world, and once, even settled it, from deep within the galaxy Canis Major, and a distant planet called... Plymouth."
Pilgrim King,Fellow Pilgrims! The great Captain hath gone missing and thine enemies have attacked our stuffing mines! We must prepare for war with the Indians!
Indian Chief,"Now it is OUR time! We shall attack Plymouth, and we will take... ALL THEIR STUFFING!"
Cartman,"Non! Mom, did you already get stuffing for Thanksgiving dinner?"
Liane,What hon?
Cartman,Tell me you've already got everything we need for Thanksgiving!
Liane,"Uhoh, Thanksgiving's still a couple of weeks away, sweetie. I haven't gone shoppies yet."
Cartman,Oh no. Oh NO!
Liane,"What is it, hon?"
Cartman,"Clyde Donovan said that he saw on the news there's gonna be a massive stuffing shortage! Get your coat on, Mom! We've gotta go to the store!"
Cartman,You guys have stuffing?!
Attendant 1,Stuffing? Sure. Aisle 17.
Cartman,"Oh... We're not too late. Mother, come!  Hey! Where is it!"
Attendant 1,"It's right there, right on the uh...  wait, that can't be right. Hey, hey Chet. What happened to all the stuffing?"
Chet,What are you talking about?
Attendant 1,"We got more in the back, right?"
Chet,"I just did inventory in the back, it... it was all put out here!"
Attendant 1,You mean it's two weeks until Thanksgiving and we're completely out of stuffing?!
Chet,Oh no!
Cartman,No!
Chet,No!
Cartman,NO!
Pilgrim King,"You dare come to Plymouth, ambassador?! After attacking our stuffing mines?!"
Indian Chief,The stuffing mines were never yours!
Pilgrim King,"Wihtout control of the mines we cannot supply stuffing to the mortals, ambassador! This will be war!"
Indian Chief,You are in no position to declare war! Your lead commander is nowhere to be found!
Pilgrim King,And how knoweth you that?!
Indian Chief,Word travels fast in our sector.
Pilgrim King,"I do not give free bowls of stuffing, what sayest you?! We will take back control of the stuffing mines!"
Indian Chief,Then the Thanksgiving treaty will be off!
Pilgrim King,"And I pray to stuffing that you are wrong.  Where are you, Miles Standish?"
Sawitzky,"And furthermore, everything Kyle Broflovski said about Native Americans being from outer space was untrue! Native Americans were brutalized, and David Sawitzky's ancestors deserve an apology! It was wrong to mix aliens and real history!"
Stan,"I don't know, dude. Have you seen that stuff about the pyramids and the link to Mars?"
Kyle,"Dude, there's a guy with a gun here!"
Stan,I'm just saying there's lots of symbols and signs out there that show aliens and history are pretty linked.
Kenny,"(Yeah, that's true.)"
Kyle,Would you guys stop!
Sawitsky,Just keep writing your apology!
Miles,"How now, Indian?! Why hast thy race sent me here to Earth?!"
Sawitsky,Huh?  Ack.
Stan,Dude!
Miles,"You Indians took me to thy planet, and then cast me here! Why?!"
Kenny,"(Go, dude!)"
Stan,"Yeah, go on dude!"
Kenny,(Woohoo!)
Miles,"Hast thy race attacked our stuffing mines and sent me here to die?! Tell me, Indian!"
Sawitzky,I I uh I'm only one sixteenth.
Miles,"Hold your lying tongue!  This shall prove if thou art Indian or not!  Ah, he was not."
Stan,I didn't think so.
Miles,"I have been told of your expertise, Kyle of DeVry Institute. I need your wisdom to get back to my planet."
Miles,Into the wheeled chariot that strucketh me!  We must make haste to Cape Cod!
Stan,Who's this?
Miles,This is Natalie.
Natalie,Hi guys.
Agent 7,"Alright, sir. We got some more information on the Pilgrim who crashed to Earth. Thirty seconds after impact the Pilgrim was hit by a truck and then put into the back seat."
THC President,Who did the truck belong to?
Agent 6,"We believe it belonged to Natalie Portman, sir."
THC President,The actress? That doesn't make sense.
Agent 8,It gets worse. All over the country people are reporting a shortage of stuffing. We don't think it's coincidence.
THC President,"You're telling me that somehow during a stuffing shortage, this ""Pilgrim"" dropped down from space and got into a truck driven by Natalie Portman?!"
Agent 9,"Look, if anyone knows about stuffing, it's Natalie Portman!"
THC President,We have to find Professor Broflovski. He was right about all of this. He'll know what to do.
Miles,We shall make camp here for the night. On the morrow perhaps we can reach Cape Cod. And Thanksgiving may yet be saved.  What is wrong with Kyle of DeVry Institute?
Stan,"Aw, I think he's just kind of pissed off he was wrong about the whole ancient alien thing."
Miles,"He seems almost like a Puritan lady whose period hath stopped.  I fear, Kyle, that you still do not know whose side to be on."
Kyle,"No, ah I don't."
Miles,"It must have been very difficult for you, being the one on your planet with his wild theories that Pilgrims and Indians were not of this world."
Kyle,I actually only just said that sarcastically.
Miles,"HA1 Ha ha ha ha ha ha!  Then you are only just a remarkably gifted child!  Here, let me show you. Your planet is one of the five.  Plymouth, Indi, Colthenheim, and this planet over here nobody really cares about.  The five are connected by a series of wormholes.  My people came to your world, and so did our enemies. But we made a treaty, and for 300 years our people have not fought. But now, the treaty is over."
Kyle,"But I always read that Native Americans were here, and that Pilgrims and other settlers kind of took their lands from them."
Miles,"You can't believe what everyone tells you, Kyle. You have to open your eyes.  Soon your wisdom will open the wormhole back to Plymouth, and the stuffing mines can again be ours, for he who controls the stuffing, controls the universe."
A pilot,Hold it right there!
Agent 10,We found Professor Broflovski! He is with the Pilgrim!
Miles,"Stay back, all of you! For I will get to Cape Cod and cannot be stopped! Come boys! Let us fight to the death!"
THC President,"Wait! Stop, stop! Please, Mr. Standish, we are all on the same side here. We know why there's a stuffing shortage. We've been trying to get the wormhole open."
Miles,I trust none but them!  Indians hath betrayed us! I must return to Plymouth so my king can know the truth!
THC President,PLEASE!  We're the History Channel. We care as much about the truth as you do.
Miles,Then get us to Cape Cod as soon as possible!
Pilgrim,"My Lord! My Lord, the battle is lost! We have tried to stop the Indians on their home planet, but yea they are too strong!"
Pilgrim King,Then our last chance for survival is gone?
Pilgrim,I'm sorry my Lord. All Pilgrim forces sent to the Indians' planet have been wiped out.
Pilgrim King,And so soon the Indians will be here. Sound the corn horn! We must abandon Plymouth!
Indian Chief,The stuffing mines are ours!
Miles,"Earth is connected to Plymouth by this wormhole here. Once I get back I will assemble my people to attack Indi, and gain control of the stuffing mines. If all goes as planned, you will all have stuffing in time for Thanksgiving."
THC President,"But Mr. Standish, I'm afraid it's not that simple. We... tried to get the wormhole open with this symbol and it didn't work."
Miles,"Ah ha ha ha! Of course not! You have the correct symbol, but you are missing the keeper of the portal."
Agent 11,The keeper of the... of course! Natalie Portman!
THC President,We were wondering what she had to do with all this! Natalie Portman controls the wormhole!
Agent 12,"Our window of opportunity is closing, sir! The wormhole has to be opened now!"
THC President,"Alright Ms. Portman, we need you to open your wormhole."
Natalie,Mmmmmmmmmm. No.
THC President,"Please, Ms. Portman, you've got to open your wormhole right now!"
Natalie,Mmmmmmm.  Uh uh.
THC President,Curses and cranberries! I must get to Plymouth now! Do as they say!
Natalie,Mmmmmmmmmm. No.
THC President,"There has to be a way to get the portal open! Where's our expert?!  What do we do, Professor Broflovski?"
Kyle,I'm not a professor.
THC President,The History Channel said you were!
Kyle,You are the fucking History Channel!
Miles,"Please, Kyle of DeVry Institute. There is no more time for squabbles. The universe is at stake!"
THC President,You knew everything else. You somehow knew about all of this. You knew it... here.  You must know... how to get Natalie Portman to open her wormhole.
Kyle,"So, do you uh, do you have any brothers or sisters, Natalie?"
Natalie,"I had a lot of really close friends growing up, but not any brothers and sisters; I was an only child."
Kyle,"Wow, awesome. Um..."
Natalie,I have dual citizenship in the United States and Israel.  Oh thanks.
Kyle,"Um... so...  So dual citizenship, wow, uh... You know that I, I never knew anyone that had that."
Natalie,"Well, I went to Harvard while I was acting. I got a BA. But I did classes at the University of Jerusalem too."
Kyle,Cool. Cool... You wanna order some dessert?
Natalie,"Thanks, that was a lot of fun."
Kyle,"Yeah, it was cool, thanks.  Um, so... Is there any way you'd"
Natalie,What?
Kyle,"You know, could youuu..."
Natalie,What?
Kyle,Would you please just open your wormhole?!
Natalie,Oh.  Mmmm...  no.
Kyle,Errh!
Natalie,Mmmmmmmmmm. Okay.
Miles,Yes!
THC President,"Alright, let's go, folks!"
Natalie,Just for a sec though.
Miles,"Thank you, Kyle of DeVry Institute. Now the Indians can be stopped and Thanksgiving will be saved!"
Kyle,"Yeeah, you're welcome. I'm sorry I doubted you. And guys, I'm I'm sorry I acted like a know-it-all."
Stan,"It's cool dude, we understand."
Kyle,I guess we should all realize...  that history and alien technology really do go hand in hand.
Miles,"Now make way, children! For I have a war to fight!  For stuffing!!"
Indian Chief,Take ALL their stuffing!
Pilgrim,The treaty ends now!
Narrator,"With the wormhole once again open, Miles Standish was finally able to command a Pilgrim army."
Miles,Now attack their left flank! Good! They're retreating! Hit them with the anti-Indian device!
Narrator,"The Pilgrims fought off the Indians, making stuffing once again available on all our Thanksgiving tables."
Random Voices,Yea. Stuffing mines. Yea.
Narrator,And now you know the true story behind Thanksgiving.
Stan,"Wow, there's a lot about Thanksgiving I never knew before."
Cartman,"Yeah, History Channel rules."
Narrator,But was the first Thanksgiving really just about Pilgrims and Indians from space? Or was there something more? Shocking new evidence suggests that the first Thanksgiving might also have been...  haunted!
Donald T. Brown,There is certainly no evidence that the first Thanksgiving dinner was not haunted.
Narrator,"The Pilgrims welcomed the Indians, but did they also unknowingly welcome spirits from beyond the grave?"
Cartman,Uhhh??
Kyle,"Oh, come on!!"
Stuart,"You think you're man enough to fight me, you little shit?!"
Kevin,"Yes, 'cause you're a drunk piece of shit, Dad!"
Mrs. McCormick,You're both drunk pieces of shit! Both of you sit the fuck down!
Kevin,Shoot him!
Announcer,They're noisy.
Man 1,"Fuck you, bitch!"
Woman 1,"Fuck you, you son of a bitch!"
Announcer,They're nasty.
Woman 2,"You done spilled that on my titties, skank!"
Woman 3,Oww...
Announcer,"They're white trash. And when you give them a little Pabst Blue Ribbon , they can't help getting arrested.  Tonight, on an all-new... White Trash... In Trouble!"
Narrator,Pabst Blue Ribbon and white trash. It's a deadly combination that can lead to prison time and children being taken away from their home.  This white trash home in Colorado seems innocent enough.
Kenny,(Hmmm. What the fuck?)
Narrator,"But the children in this home live in a world of neglect. There's no heating, no groceries,  and if you look closely in the backyard, you can even make out what appears to be a meth lab."
Kenny,"(Mom, the cops are here! Mom, Dad, the cops are here!)"
Cops,"Down on the ground! Move it! Let's go! Move move! Get down, now!"
Mrs. McCormick,No! Muh babies! Don't take my babies!
Stuart,You're hurting my arm!
Mrs. McCormick,My babies!
Stuart,You're hurting me!
Officer 1,"You have the right to remain silent. Now please look at the camera and say ""I'm white trash and I'm in trouble."""
Stuart,I'm white trash and I'm in trouble.
Officer 1,"Alright, good. Now get in the car!"
Cartman,"Oh wow, poor people being arrested. What a rare occurrence.  Hi, Kenny! Kenny, wave!  That's Kenny, about to be sent to a foster home. Pretty funny."
Officer 2,"Just have a seat in there, kids."
Kevin,"Just have a seat in there, kids."
Officer 1,"The mother and father will probably be released from jail on Monday, but I guess the kids are gonna be taken away for good. Child Protective Services is about to talk to them in the soft room."
Officer 3,The soft room?
Officer 1,"You know, the room we have set aside for kids to feel safe in."
Mr. Adams,"Hi kids, how you doin'? My name's Mr. Adams and I just need to get some info from you. Does that sound okay?"
Karen,Can I see my mommy?
Mr. Adams,"No, sorry. Now,  I've been looking over your file and I see you kids have all been horribly physically and emotionally abused.  Oh whoops, that isn't your case file, it's the Penn State University Gazette.  I'm joking, that's just a joke, we like to have fun here.  It is your case file. I was just all like ""it's the Penn State Gazette"" to be like a joke, we have fun. Now listen, you're gonna be put into a foster home, so I need to know... would you like to go to Neverland Ranch, a Catholic church, or Penn State University?  We're havin' fun here, aren't we? I just, I come up with these and the guys, it's good to laugh.  I just asked them if they wanted to go to Neverland, a Catholic church, or Penn State.  I'm a trickster. People say I'm really meant for comedy. Here's my head shot just in case you know anybody.  Can't hurt, right? Okay, now, are we all startin' to feel a little bit better?  Oh come on now, how about that smile? I'm gonna GET  you to smile! I'm gonna GET  you to smile!  A Penn State administrator walks into a bar. Where's that smile? How about this one? Joe Paterno doesn't walk into a police station. Come on, that's a good one."
Stan,Did you hear anything more about what happened?
Kyle,"Dude, I don't think Kenny's coming back. My dad said those Child Protective Services people are pretty serious."
Stan,We can't let Kenny be sent away forever. There's gotta be something we can do.
Cartman,"Guys! Guys! I've been workin' on it, and I think I have some answers."
Stan,Really?
Cartman,"Yeah. I've gone through every student in the school, and I'm pretty sure now that Kenny's gone, the poor kid is Craig!"
Kyle,That's what you care about?! Who's the poorest kid in school now?!
Cartman,"Pretty much went through everybody. Craig's got the mo-  sh, sh sh sh sh. Here he comes, here he comes.  Heya, Craig, your uh... your family get you that jacket at Walmart or Kmart?"
Craig,What are you talking about?
Cartman,"Nothing dude, it's cool, it's cool. I mean, we would tell your parents to shop at nicer places, but... your mom is so poor she can't even pay attention."
Officer 2,"Mr. and Mrs. Weatherhead, we have the new foster kids for your care."
Mr. Weatherhead,"Very good, we'll take them from here. Children, enter.  Welcome to your new home. Before we show you around let's get one thing clear: this is a very strict religious household! As long as you live here you will be agnostic!  These are your foster brothers and sisters! They are all strict agnostics! David, do you believe in God?!"
David,I don't know...
Mr. Weatherhead,"Right! There are two bedrooms upstairs! Boys' room and girls' room! Your chores are listed on their respective doors! Follow!  You will eat only at designated meal times! Beverages you may take from the refrigerator as you like! However, in this house you will drink only agnostic beverages!  Dr Pep-er, and Diet Dr Pep-er!  Because what flavor is it?! It is neither root beer nor cola! Nobody is sure what flavor it is, and nobody can be sure! Isn't that right, Melissa?!"
Melissa,I don't know.
Mr. Weatherhead,Good!
Cartman,"This is awesome, Butters! You really think you got something?!"
Butters,"Yep. To find out who the poorest kid in school is, I actually was able to see which kids in school got those coupons they hand out for school lunch."
Cartman,Eh yeah?
Butters,So then I crossed that with all the kids who were on half-priced lunches with the tax records of people in town to see which kids' parents actually made the least amount of money last year.
Cartman,"Heh heh, yeah?"
Butters,"Well actually, Eric, it's you."
Cartman,What?
Butters,"Now that Kenny's gone,  your household actually has the lowest income.  I'm sorry, pal."
Cartman,Oh my God... If we found this out it's only a matter of time before everybody else does.
Butters,"Uh, I won't tell anybody."
Cartman,"Oh come on! We're not the only ones who wanted to look into this! You think, you think Kyle isn't on the computer right now tryin' to see who the poorest kid in school is?! Oh he is gonna have such a field day, that heartless Jew!  Well I won't give him the satisfaction!"
Cartman,"Alright, let's hear it for Kyle!  He's so funny, isn't he guys?! With all his jokes about Cartman being poor. You guys hear how poor Cartman's mom is?! His mom is so poor the ducks throw bread at her! Hahaha! That's super funny, guys!  Laugh it up, everyone!  Cartman's mom is so poor that when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers! HA! I beat you to it, Kyel!"
Kyle,"My name. Is not. ""Kyel."""
Cartman,That's kewl! Whatever Kyel! Must be nice having everything you want!
Liane,"Hi, sweetie."
Cartman,"Sit down Mom, we need to have a talk."
Liane,"Oh, what is it this time?"
Cartman,"Mom, how are you going to start bringing more money into this household?"
Liane,"What, hon?"
Cartman,"You have to start doing more, Mom! What are you doing with your time?!"
Liane,"Eric, I'm working two jobs. Mommy's doing everything she can."
Cartman,"Yeah, see, the problem is, Mom, is that with Kenny gone I'm now the poorest kids in skewl!"
Liane,"Well, we're in a tough economy, Eric. I don't know what else you want me to do about it."
Cartman,"We're in a tough economy. You don't know what else I want you to do about it. Life isn't handed to you, Mom! You just can't sit on your ass and expect some money to appear!"
Liane,"Eric, we aren't that much poorer than most people."
Cartman,"Not much huh?! My mom is so poor, when she heard about the Last Supper she thought she was running out of food stamps!"
Liane,Oh.
Cartman,"IT'S NOT FUNNY, MOM!!"
Cartman,My mom is so poor she waves around a Popsicle and calls it air conditioning. I wish I could be put in a kewl foster home like Kenny's familyyy.
Karen,"Huh?  Oh, it's you.  I was wondering when you'd appear. You always come when I'm sad."
Mysterion,"You are going to be okay, Karen! You have to keep believing that!"
Karen,Why did my mommy and daddy go to jail?
Mysterion,"Sometimes, people do stupid things. Sometimes they don't realize what should have come first. Until it's too late."
Karen,But I'm all alone now.
Mysterion,"You are not alone. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, I will always be here! Do you understand?"
Karen,"I'll try, guardian angel."
Mysterion,"Don't try, Karen. Do."
Mr. Weatherhead,"What in the name of nobody knows are you doing, Karen?!"
Officer 4,"Police man.  Yes. Yes. Alright, thanks for the tip. We'll check it out.  Better call the lieutenant. Looks like we've got another meth lab in town."
Officer 5,Got any needles on you? Any crack pipes?
Liane,"Oh, oh, my goodness no. I haven't used drugs in quite a while."
Officer 5,Then why is there a meth lab in your backyard?
Cartman,"What is going on here? Mom, what have you done? Were things so bad for you financially you had to turn to a life of crime?! My mom is so poor she uses Cheerios for earrings. Well... guess I'm off to a foster home then.  Hawaii is my first choice. Something not exactly on the beach but maybe just a short walk away?  Gonna take me years to recover from being torn from my mother's arms. Only the ocean breezes and coconut trees can help me now."
Officer 5,"When will you people learn to lay off the Pabst Blue Ribbon? Now look at the camera and say ""I'm white trash and I'm in trouble."""
Liane,"Oh. Ah, I'm white trash and I'm in trouble."
Mr. Adams,"Hi there, how you doin'? My name's Mr. Adams, and I'm with Child Protective Services.  Here's my head shot.  I just need to get some information from you if that's okay."
Cartman,"Yeah, yeah."
Mr. Adams,"Okay, now it says here your mother was operating a meth lab."
Cartman,That's right.
Mr. Adams,"And it also says here that Penn State prefers to be losing at halftime? Because at Penn State they like when you're a little behind in the locker room. That's a joke. Did you get that one? It's a play on words, we like to have fun here."
Cartman,"Wha'? Dude, do you think this is funny?!"
Mr. Adams,"We just - no, we just like to have fun here."
Cartman,"Well I'll tell you somethin'! Being from a low-income household isn't funny! Oh heell no, my momma's so poor she opened a Gmail account just so she could eat the spam!"
Mr. Adams,"What? What, is that supposed to be some kind of joke? You think you're funny?"
Cartman,A joke?! You think being poor is a joke?!
Mr. Adams,Could be worse.
Cartman,How?!
Mr. Adams,"Could be in Happy Valley! On a scale from 1 to 10, how old should you be to stay away from Penn State?"
Cartman,"Dude, my momma's so poor when she gets mad she can't afford to fly off the handle so she's gotta go Greyhound off the handle!"
Mr. Adams,Two Penn State administrators walk into a butt-!
Cartman,"Jesus, this is a long drive. Are we in Hawaii yet?"
Officer 6,Hawaii?
Cartman,"Yeah, that's where I requested to be sent."
Officer 7,"Your foster home is here, pretty much the exact opposite of Hawaii."
Cartman,What??  Greeley?
Mr. Weatherhead,"Come on now! This is not the way we told you to tidy up! Remember? Cleanliness is next to godliness, so make it kind of clean but not too much! Amanda! More ambiguous on the dusting!  Kenneth, answer the door!"
Cartman,"What the? Dude, this is like poorer than my old house!"
Kenny,(What the fuck are you doing here?!)
Mrs. Weatherhead,"Hello Eric, your room is upstairs to the left. Are you hungry?"
Cartman,You're my new mom?
Mrs. Weatherhead,You can call me Mom if you like.
Cartman,"Alright Mom, how much money do you make? Like gross yearly income after taxes?"
Mr. Weatherhead,"This is where you'll sleep with your foster brothers. You will be clean, polite, and most importantly, you WILL follow the agnostic code: We cannot know for certain if God or Christ existed. They COULD. Then again there COULD be a giant reptilian bird in charge of everything. Can we be CERTAIN there isn't? NO, so it's pointless to talk about. Now say it with me."
Cartman,"Goddamn, I've gotta sleep in a room with six other people?! How poor are we?!"
Mr. Weatherhead,"HEY! We do not take the Lord's name in vain in this house, just in case there is one! Do you understand, or do you need the punishment room?!"
Cartman,Oh heell now!  Mom! Dad's being mean to me! Mem! MEEM!
Mr. Weatherhead,My name. Is not. Meom!
Cartman,"Oh God, I'm so nervous. These kids all seem kind of mean."
Karen,"I'll see you at recess, right?"
Kenny,"(I'll be there, Karen.)"
Cartman,"You've already been here awhile, Kenny, so you have to introduce me to your friends, okay? And make sure they know I'm kewl. You've gotta have my back, Kenny!"
Boy 1,"Oh hey, Kenny. Who's this?"
Kenny,(This is Eric Cartman.)
Boy 2,Does he live with you at the foster home?
Cartman,"Okay, alright, so listen: I know our family is poor, okay?! But before we lived there, Kenny was actually poorer than me! So technically, he's the poorest kid at this school!"
Boy 1,What are you talking about? The poor kid at this school is Jacob Hallery.
Cartman,Really?
Boy 2,"Yeah, dude. His dad died five years ago and his mom went crazy from depression, so she can't even keep a job."
Cartman,"YES! Yeheah, did you hear that Kenny?? We're good! I seriously thought we didn't stand a chance, but now... everything's gonna be okay!Cause I'm not (I'm not) the poor kid at school!  Let's hear it for Jacob Hallery, guys! His mom is so poor she cuts coupons out to be institutionalized!Greeley Colorado's the place to be!It's a whole new beginning for you and me!Life can only get better 'cause I know one simple ruuule!I'm not (he's not) the poor kid at school!"
Boy 1,Did he do stuff like this at your old school?
Kenny,(Uh huh.)
Cartman,"Let's put our hands up, everyone! 'Cept for Jacob. His mom's so poor she only understands hand-OUTS."
Principal,"Eric, at Greeley Elementary we do not tolerate students making fun of other students."
Cartman,I wasn't making fun of anybody.
Principal,"A twenty-minute song and dance number with forty seven ""Yo momma so poor"" jokes directed at Jacob Hallery, which ended in a finale with fireworks."
Cartman,I was just teasing.
Principal,"Your case worker has been notified, and he is not happy."
Cartman,"My case worker?  Oh, not this guy!"
Mr. Adams,"I know this is a difficult adjustment for you, Eric! But you can't just turn all your frustrations on a little kid who can't defend himself! I mean, what do you think this is?! The shower room at Penn State?! I'm kidding. We like to have fun in our department, so I was like, ""Oh, look. What? Is this like the shower room at Penn State?!"" I joke around. This is my head shot."
Cartman,Will you stop with the Penn State jokes?! All you're doing is taking topical and revamping old Catholic jokes!
Mr. Adams,"Oh! Oh, and ""your momma"" jokes are better?! They've been around since the '50s!"
Principal,What the hell does this have to do with anything?!
Girl 1,"Principal, you've gotta send help to the playground! They're about to beat up that new kid!"
Jessica,"Aww, look at the new kid and her wittle dolly. You gonna cry some more in class, wimp?!"
Boy 3,L-leave her alone.
Jessica,Shut up! You foster twerps are all the same! Come on! Hand over the doll!  Who the hell is this?!
Mysterion,How about you find another little girl to pick on?
Jessica,"Mind your business, Peter Pan!"
Mysterion,Karen McCormick is off limits! Do you understand?! Make sure everybody in this school knows!
Mr. Weatherhead,"And if this food comes as a gift from some divine intelligence, we understand that an intelligent being cannot blame us for questioning its existence. Nobody knows, nobody can know if any deity is watching over us. Amen."
Boy 4,Except for Karen's guardian angel.
Mr. Weatherhead,What?
Melissa,"Where did he take you after he saved you, Karen?"
Karen,He just took me back to my classroom. Then he disappeared like always.
Mr. Weatherhead,What have he told you about making up angel stories?!
Girl 3,But we SAW him. He leaped down from the sky.
David,And he kicked the crap out of Jessica Pinkerton.
Mrs. Weatherhead,"Stop it, children! We do not speak such certainties in this house!"
Mr. Weatherhead,"Get down to the basement, all of you! It's time for the Punishment Room!"
David,AAAAAAAH!
Mr. Weatherhead,"Now, did you see an angel?!"
David,"No, I - no - I didn't see an angel."
Mr. Weatherhead,"No, you can't be certain of that! You might've seen one!  Hit him with the Dr Pep-er again.  Are there such things as angels?!"
David,Maybe.
Mr. Weatherhead,Good!
Karen,"What do we do, Kenny?  Kenny?"
Mr. Weatherhead,What is the meaning of life?!
David,It's impossible to knoooow!
Mr. Weatherhead,That's right!
Mrs. Weatherhead,Who could that be?
Mr. Adams,"Mr. and Mrs. Weatherhead, I received some disturbing news that all you're providing the foster children here to drink is soda?"
Cartman,"Haha, I told on you Mom and Dad!"
Mr. Weatherhead,What business is that of yours?!
Mr. Adams,It's my business because Child Protective Services is accountable for these kids!  Have I given you my head shot?
Mrs. Weatherhead,"Yes, yes, we have that."
Mr. Adams,"Okay now, are you only giving these kids Dr Pepper to drink?"
Mr. Weatherhead,"If we want to serve agnostic beverages in this house, then by Goddish we'll do it! The children you've sent here are undisciplined and talking about the certainty of angels!"
Mr. Adams,Excuse me!  Let's have a look around.
Mr. Weatherhead,What the? Who did this?
Mrs. Weatherhead,What is that?
Mrs. Weatherhead,It was like a... little mystery person... flying around.
Mr. Weatherhead,Almost like some kind of... agnostic angel.
Mr. Adams,Oh my God.  What's going on here?
David,We don't know... We can't possibly know...
Mr. Adams,"What have I done?  I took you kids from your parents without even checking into where you were going! I put innocent children in a dangerous environment! What am I, a recruitment coach for Penn State?  It's not funny!"
Mr. Weatherhead,"There's nothing in there but Dr Pep-er, right? There can't be."
Mrs. Weatherhead,Ohhh...
Mr. Weatherhead,How did that get here?!  It says it's a Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Mrs. Weatherhead,What is it?
Mr. Weatherhead,It's like beer... but different.
Mrs. Weatherhead,But how did it get here?
Mr. Weatherhead,"Shut your mouth, bitch!"
Mrs. Weatherhead,"You shut your mouth, you filth-fucking asshole!"
Mr. Weatherhead,"Fuck you, bitch!"
Greeley Officer 1,"You have the right to remain silent. Now look at the camera and say ""I'm white trash and I'm in trouble."""
Mrs. Weatherhead,I'm white trash and I'm in trouble!
Greeley Officer 2,"Get in the car, you!"
Mr. Weatherhead,"Wait a minute, I'm white trash and I'm in trouble?"
Mr. Adams,"No, no, take all these kids back to their parents! We've embarrassed the system and made it something nobody wants to be a part of! It's like a Penn State homecoming party!"
Greeley Officer 3,"A false police report can carry up to a two-month prison term, son."
Cartman,I'm not saying it.
Greeley Officer 3,"We can do this the easy way, or we can do it hard!"
Cartman,I'm not saying it!
Greeley Officer 3,Then we'll add another charge for resisting!
Cartman,"Okay, fine!  I'm white trash and I'm in trouble!"
Narrator,"Three arrests in just one power-packed episode, proving once again that we are all just one Pabst Blue Ribbon away from becoming... white trash in trouble! Sponsored by Schlitz."
Stan,"Well it sure is good to have you back, Kenny."
Kenny,"(Thanks, Stan.)"
Kyle,I hear your parents might give up selling meth for good.
Kenny,(Good for me.)
Cartman,"There he is, there's my buddy."
Kyle,"How was jail, fatass?!"
Cartman,"Well, I did a lot of thinking. And you know, guys, there's an important lesson I think we've all learned. What do we do when the tables are turned?The day's looking brighter. Gray skies are turning blue.'Cause I'm not (He's not, he's not) the poor kid at school!Kenny's back and it's such a thrill. Now I'm rich just like Stan and Kiul!All that matters is no one thinks I'm a tool! 'Cause I'm not (He's not, he's not)That's right, the poor kid in school.Sing it with me, guys!He's not the poor kid in school. (He's not)I'm not-"
Kids,Aaaah!
Kenny,(AAAAHH!)
Stan,...What the fuck?!
Cartman,"Aww, my mom is so poor she walked down the road with one shoooe.  And if you ask her if she lost a shoe, she'd say ""No, I found ooone."""
Character,Line
Stan,"Throw it here! Throw it here!  Yeah! Nice one, Clyde!"
Betsy,"Clyde! Clyde! Clyde, get up here! Hurry!"
Betsy,What is that?
Clyde,A toilet?
Betsy,"That's right. It's a toilet, Clyde. And where is the toilet seat? It's up, because you left it up, again! We've been through this countless times, Clyde."
Clyde,"Okay mom, just not in front of my friends okay?"
Betsy,"No, not okay. Because you aren't getting the message! What if I'd fallen in? Start listening to me! Put it down! Put it down!  Thank you."
Cartman,"Dude, that sucks, Clyde. A mom shouldn't be able to put rules on toilet-time like that. Toilet-time is the last bastion of American freedom."
Kyle,Is your mom always like that dude?
Clyde,"Look, could you guys just not say anything about this in school, please?"
Cartman,"Of course, man. It's cool."
Cartman,"Clyde, Clyde! What have I told you about pissing on the seat? And Clyde's all like ""Ah, okay mom, fuck! Not in front of my friends!"
Kyle,"Cartman, it was actually really lame."
Cartman,"I know, right. Women are just jealous 'cause they have to sit outwards to pee and crap."
Butters,"Wait a minute! You're supposed to poop on the toilet facing out?  But I thought you sit on the toilet this way.  So that you have that nice little shelf for your comics and chocolate milk? Well, because you got the flusher right here. No?  Oh jeez, that's embarrassing."
Betsy,Clyde! Clyde!  There you are!
Clyde,Mom?
Betsy,"Clyde Donovan, you come home this instant!"
Clyde,Why?
Betsy,What have I told you about putting the toilet seat down after you go to the bathroom?
Clyde,"Mom, I'm in class."
Betsy,"How many times do I have to tell you Clyde? I was trying to get ready for work and the toilet seat was up, again."
Roger,"Betsy, come back home. It's just not that big a deal."
Betsy,"No, Roger! It's a disgusting habit and I'm sick and tired of it. If I had sat down, I would have gotten toilet water all over my vagina."
Butters,My grandma is from Virginia.
Betsy,"You're coming home right now, and you're putting the seat down where it belongs. Let's go."
Cartman,"Dude, I'm telling you it was fucking hysterical. Clyde had to get up in the middle of class and follow his mom home to put the seat down. He was so embarrassed, dude, I thought he was gonna die."
Kyle,"I know, fatass. I was there."
Cartman,"His mom... His mom goes: ""Clyde you're an asshole and now I have toilet water in my vagayjay."""
Kyle,That's not what she said. You're putting extras on again. It's not that funny.
Cartman,I know dude. The bathroom is the last bastion of American freedom.
Kyle,Don't you just feel a little bad for Clyde?
Cartman,Nuh-uh.
Kyle,Well you should. The poor guy shouldn't be screamed for something that just isn't that big a deal at all.
Kyle,What's going on?
Stan,They are trying to save Clyde's mom.
Kyle,From what?
Cartman,They're saying Clyde left the toilet seat up again.
Fireman 1,Hang it there. You're going to be fine okay? Stay with me now.
Fireman 2,"I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do."
Roger,What?!
Fireman 2,"When she fell into the toilet, she also made it flush. It created a suction that's literally pulling out her insides."
Roger,Can't we disconnect the toilet from the plumbing?
Paramedic,"Yes, we'll have to, but when we do that the change in pressure will rip out her organs."
Clyde,"But she's not gonna die, is she?"
Fireman 2,"Why did you leave the toilet seat up, son?"
Betsy,"Clyde! Clyde!  Clyde, I want you to know I don't blame you for this. We should have been h-h-harder on you all those times you left the toilet seat up."
Clyde,"Mom, I'm sorry."
Betsy,"Shhh! Sh! I.. don't... have a lot of time, Clyde. Just please put the toilet seat down from now on for your sister's sake, please. Oh, God, please let me go. Let me go. Do it! Do it! Do it!"
Clyde,Mom?
Stephen,"I'll always remember Betsy Donovan's kind nature, more than anything. She always treated people with dignity and respect.  What a tragedy she had to leave us so soon. But I'm sure Betsy is hoping that her death will help women everywhere, just take that extra second to look before they sit on a toilet."
Linda,"I'd like to say on behalf of the departed, that it isn't a woman's responsibility to see that the seat is down. It's a man's responsibility to put it down. It's not that hard."
Women,"Yeah, yes. That's right."
Man With Grey Hair,Putting the toilet seat down isn't that hard. So is it too much to ask women to just look and put it down before they go plopping their butts blindly to the toilet bowl?
Woman With Brown Hair,"My God, people. This is a funeral! Please have some respect! There's a little boy here who has lost his mother!  He'll never see her again, because he couldn't take that sixth-tenths of a second to put the seat down when he was done peeing.  And now little Clyde's mother is dead, and the blood is on his penis."
Terrance,"Crap. It's too bad we didn't find any treasure on the subway, Phillip."
Phillip,"Oh, hello, Ugly Bob."
Ugly Bob,Hello Terrance. Hello Phillip.
Cartman,"Mom, get the door!"
Terrance,"You're looking hideously ugly today, Ugly Bob."
Ugly Bob,How come you guys say stuff like that?
Phillip,Because you're goddamn ugly...
TSA Agent 1,"Hello ma'am, we're the Toilet Safety Administration."
Liane,The what?
TSA Agent 2,"After the recent tragedy, new safety regulations require us to check every toilet for security. Can we come in?"
Liane,Oh sure.
Cartman,Who are these buttholes?
Liane,"It's the Toilet Safety Administration, hun. They're gonna do something to the potty."
Cartman,My potty? What are they going to do to it?
Cartman,"Hey, hey! That's my bathroom!"
TSA Agent 1,"Oh yeah, we're gonna have to completely redo this ma'am."
Liane,Oh.
TSA Agent 1,"You need to have this counter moved to a minimum of six inches, but we'll go ahead and install your safety belt."
Liane,Safety belt?
TSA Agent 2,Federal law requires all toilets to be fitted with a safety harness so that nobody can fall in.
Cartman,"Dude, you can't make me wear a seatbelt to take a dump."
TSA Agent 2,"This is for your safety. A woman died, you know."
Cartman,"Yeah but the blood's on Clyde's wiener, not mine."
Kyle,"Sir, we are really worried about our friend Clyde. Everywhere he goes people are telling him he had blood on his wiener."
Attorney,"Uh-uh, go on."
Stan,We keep trying to tell him maybe this all isn't his fault. Maybe the people who made the toilet are to blame for what happened.
Kyle,So we were just wondering if we could sue somebody.
Attorney,You can always sue somebody.
Kyle,"All right, you see, Clyde. Okay, we wanna help him sue whoever invented the toilet."
Attorney,"You got it.  Here we go, the inventor of the toilet.  Sir Thomas Harrington. In England, died in 1692."
Kyle,"Aw, he's dead?"
Stan,So then we can't sue him?
Attorney,Why not? You can always sue somebody. It's just gonna take some special protocol. We would have to perform a sue-ance.
Jimmy,A...a...a...a sue-ance?
Attorney,"You bet. Here at Hoffman and Turk we specialize in suing the dead. If you hire us, we'll work hard, for you."
Stan,"Wow, really?!"
Kyle,You hear that Clyde?
Attorney,Now look. I'll be asking all of you to have a very open mind and a willingness to face you fears.  I warn you boys. A sue-ance can be very... expensive.
Stan,How expensive?
Attorney,How much do you have?
Kyle,Clyde got $3000 from his mom's life insurance
Attorney,Wow! That's exactly how much a sue-ance costs.
Jimmy,"Wow, that's weird."
Randy,"Aw, damn it.  He, hey officer."
Officer,"If you're stting on the toilet you need to wear your safety belt, sir."
Randy,"Yeah, I know, I had it on. I just took it off for a second to get the uh... to get to the uh..."
Officer,The address here is 260 Avenue de los Mexicanos?
Randy,"Oh, come on, don't give me a ticket!"
Officer,Gotta wear your safety belt or you could fall in.
Randy,I'm not gonna fall in. I'm not a chick.
Officer,"The law is the law sir.  You can pay this by mail or appear in court on that date. Have a good day, sir."
Randy,Yeah thanks.  Asshole.
Officer,You say something?
Randy,"No, I was talking to my asshole. C-C'mon, asshole. Let's get back to work."
Cartman,This is unbelievable. Stupid Toilet Safety Administration. You can't even take a crap at IHOP without a forty minute line!
R. Booth,"Shoes off, belts off! Sharp objects go in the plastic tray!"
Man 1,This is inhumane.
R. Booth,Shut up! Sir.
R. Wiley,"Taking a dump today, ma'am?"
Woman 2,"No, just need to pee."
R. Wiley,I'll just need to check inside your aaasshole.
Cartman,"Hey, how about you people speed it up in here? I'm about to crap my pants and I demand access to the toilet right now!"
R. Wiley,"All right, do you mind if I touch your balls, sir?"
Cartman,What? Yes I'd mind! Do you mind if I touch your fucking balls?
Gerald,"Okay, I'm done."
R. Wiley,"Alright, sir. I just need to check inside your aaasshole."
Gerald,I don't need you wiping my ass for me. I'm a grown man.
R. Wiley,"Yes, you're a big boy, aren't you, sir?"
Gerald,"Yeah, I'm a big boy."
R. Wiley,"That's a big boy, sir."
Gerald,I'm a big boy. I took a big boy poop.
R. Wiley,Yes.
Attorney,"Alright boys, sit down and clear your minds. The sue-ance is about to begin. Doors and windows are locked. You boys have your $500 in cash ready?"
Stan,Yeah.
Attorney,"Alright. Then I've got this big bowl set here to catch all money we're about to make. Now. Let us start.  We call out to the land of the dead. Sir John Harrington. Your presence is requested. Appear to us, John Harrington. We have a subpoena."
Jimmy,"Jeez, it's not working."
Attorney,"John Harrington. My client is due compensation for negligence.  What is your name, spirit?"
Spirit,"Burns. Jimmy Burns. What's it to you? Who are you, mugs?"
Attorney,"That's how people talked in the past.  We have a claim against a John Harrington. Do you know him, spirit?"
Burns,"Well, maybe I do and maybe I don't. Might need a little something to jar my memory."
Attorney,We gotta grease him. Put a hundred in the box.
Burns,"Oh yeah, Harrington. I know him. Always going round inventing things."
Attorney,"Yes, that's him. Is his personage amongst you?"
Burns,"Well, maybe it is and maybe it isn't."
Attorney,Give him another hundred.
Burns,"Yeah, I've seen him around, alright. He was just down that way, bragging about some porcelain machine and whatever."
Spirit 2,Nooo! Nooooo!
Attorney,"By the power of Christ, we sue you!  By the power of Christ, we sue you!"
Spirit 2,You can't sue me!
Attorney,"Quick, put the other $300 in the box!  This actually went really, really well. Always happens some bureaucrat tries to block the first sue-ance attempt, but this was good. We'll get him tomorrow."
Clyde,So that's it?
Attorney,"Yeah, we're gonna need about 400 more dollars tomorrow. I know you're sad about your mom, Clyde, but don't worry. We're going to win this thing."
R. Wiley,"Put your coffee in the plastic tray please, sir."
R. Booth,Shoes off. Belts off.
Randy,Yeah yeah.
R. West,Got any metal in your pockets?
R. Wiley,I just need to check your asshole.
Randy,So ridiculous.
R. Wiley,Asshole clear.
Randy,Thanks.
R. West,"Pick your coffee up, sir."
R. Wiley,"Anyways, he says I'm getting nothing anyway, so then you can..."
Randy,"Hey, what's that thing?"
R. Wiley,That's a camera. It's a security camera.
Randy,"Aw, you people have me on camera now?"
R. West,"It's okay, sir. There's just one person viewing the monitors in a discrete location."
Cartman,"Exactly how long are we going to sit around as our freedoms are stripped away one by one. It's time for us to stand together, and say, we want the government out of our bathrooms."
People,Yeah.
Cartman,"Now listen. All we have to do is agree as a community to all bolt our toilet seats down. If they can't raise or lower, there's zero chance of anyone falling in."
Mr. Garrison,"Hey, yeah. If there's no toilet seats, the government can't make toilet seat laws."
Jimbo,"Alright, let's do it."
Sheila,"No, no, hold on. If the seat can't raise up the men will just pee all over it."
Man 3,"No, we won't."
Woman 3,"Yeah, you will."
Cartman,"Well, sorry if women might have to deal with a little splash of pee on the rim, but it's a far better solution than having the government in out bathrooms, right?"
Woman 4,"How about we agree to that, if men will agree that they will always sit down to urinate."
Stephen,"Well, no, you can't make men sit down to pee. How could we play sink the boat?"
Randy,"Yeah, how will Nelson and I make an X on sleepover nights?"
Man 4,What about us loggers? Hardworking man who like to stand up after they have taken a poo and then turn around and but the poo in half with their urine?
Cartman,"Well, sorry, but if we don't want the government treating us like children, we might have to give up being able to pee out feces in half."
Man 4,But folks been logging round these parts for generations. My pappy taught me logging. And his pappy before him.
Randy,"Yeah, I think we've just gotta live with the TSA."
Attorney,"Oh, oohh! The spirits of the dead are looking over the subpoena. Motion for summary judgement on behalf of the plaintiff? Ah, aaaah!"
Jimmy,What's happening now?
Attorney,Our motion has been denied by the judge.  Concentrate boys!  This specter is like none I have ever encountered. I managed to avert liability within injunction against out claim.
Stan,So what does that mean?
Attorney,We'll hit him with a class action lawsuit tomorrow. We'll need all your friends and family to sign a petition and kick in 50 bucks each.
Kyle,What?
Attorney,"Hang in there, Clyde. This is all to make the world a safer place."
Monitor Man,Security breeeach!
Reporter,An embarrassing day for the toilet safety administration. Shocking outrage ensued after an unknown terrorist managed to get through TSA security with a gun and a baby. Leaving the toilet seat up. The head TSA chief of operations had this to say:
R. West,Shiiiit!
Reporter,"Meanwhile, outraged civilians are claiming they're finally fed up with the overblown government bureaucracy."
Randy,What good is the TSA if they aren't protecting us? Why have we given up freedom if a terrorist can take a hostage in a bathroom with a baby and a gun on the toilet?
Woman 5,And the toilet seat was up.
Randy,We've all stood by as our mother government has taken out dignity.
Cartman,That's right.
Randy,Now it's time for us to take responsibility for ourselves.
Cartman,Yeah.
Randy,It is time for us all to grow up.
Cartman,That's right.
Randy,It is time for a sue-ance.
People,Yeah.
Cartman,"Wait, what? What the fuck is a sue-ance?"
Reporter 2,"Tom, I'm standing outside the South Park courthouse where experts have successfully summoned the ghost of toilet inventor Sir John Harrington. Now that the spirit has crossed over from the dead, lawyers are gonna try and sue him."
Attorney,"Sir Thomas Harrington, your extreme negligence has cost tax payers millions."
Spirit,No! No!
Attorney,"You will be sued, spirit. Thy liability is without question.  Appear before this court, Harrington."
Spirit,Never!
Attorney,"Quick, everyone, get our all your money."
Betsy,Clyde? Clyde?
Clyde,Mom?
Betsy,This lawyer is a fraud. He has been swindling you and your friends for your money.
Attorney,"Fuck me, it's a ghost."
Betsy,"You can't sue the dead, Clyde. Putting the toilet seat down is a matter of simple etiquette. It's common sense, Clyde!"
Cartman,"Oh boy, here we go."
Betsy,Don't try and blame mommy's death on anything but your failure to something I have asked you time and time again to do.  It's your fault!
Spirit 2,Now hold on a second! It's not anyone's fault.  I am sick an tired of all this nonsense over my porcelain toilet machine.
P. Sanchez,"There he is, Sir John Harrington."
Mr. Garrison,"Quick, sue him!"
Sir Harrington,"You can't sue me.  You're all using my toilet invention the wrong way.  When you have to sit and take a Sir Harrington you're supposed to be facing this way.  So you can use the little shelf for your books, and your quill and your ink."
Butters,A-ha! I told you you should sit on it that way! I told you!
Sir Harrington,"Why would I design it so that when you're finished taking a Sir Harrington, you have to stand up, turn around and look right down at your Harrington to flush. That's gross."
Randy,"Yeah, but... but if you sit on it that way, you have to take your pants all the way off."
Sir Harrington,Of course! Why do you think I designed toilet rooms with a laundry hole?
Randy,That's what that hole is for? Oh.  Oops.
Cartman,"So then... so then Clyde's mom's ghost was all like ""Clyde, what have I told you Clyde, you asshole!"" And Clyde is all like ""Mom, leave me alone! I'm seriously. Stop, please!"" Dude, it was a riot."
Clyde,That's not what I said.
Cartman,"Hah. Yeah, well, I'm just glad that stupid TSA crap is over with. I know you've had a tough week, Clyde. But at least your mom didn't die for nothing. I mean, we're kinda right back at the bathroom being the last bastion of American freedom. So technically, your mom did die for nothing, but... Clyde? Clyde?"
Cartman,"Clyde, you there? Hello?"
Randy,"Well, Dad, it was really great seeing you. We'd love to stay for dinner, but the food here gives Sharon diarrhea."
Sharon,What?! Randy!
Randy,Just trying to leave without being rude.
Marvin,"Hold on, hold on just a second. I got a present for my grandson.  Come here, Billy.  You've grown up, Billy. It's time for you to have somethin' expensive and flashy , to impress all the ladies ."
Sharon,"Go ahead and open it, Stan.  Ohoho look at that! A bolo tie! Isn't that beautiful, Stan?"
Marvin,"That's 14 karat gold, with turquoise and reeeal diamonds."
Randy,"Grandpa, how much did you spend on that?"
Marvin,Six thousand dollars.
Randy,Six thousand?!
Marvin,It's worth fifty thousand. The Jewels and Gems Shopping Network said so.
Randy,"Dad, you shouldn't be spending your retirement money on frivolous things! You should be saving it for when you die. That's ours!"
Sharon,"It's gorgeous, Dad, thank you. Oh, and tomorrow's picture day at school! Stan can wear it for his photo!"
Marvin,"Oh, that's wonderful! That'll make me feel reeeally good. Who's Stan?"
Cartman,"Nice bolo tie, Stan."
Stan,Thanks.
Cartman,Bolo ties are...  really in right now. Cool you have one.
Stan,"Look, it was a gift from my grandpa, okay? And it cost a lot of money."
Cartman,"No, dude, it's... badass."
Stan,It happens to be worth six thousand dollars!
Kyle,That... was six grand?
Stan,Yeah dude. It's a recreation of the bolo tie worn by King Henry V.
Cartman,"...Dude, it's fucking gay as fuck."
Stan,"I know!  I really wish if my grandpa wanted to give me something, he'd just give me the money!"
Kyle,"Why don't you take it to one of those pawn places? Every two blocks you see a guy with a sign that says ""Cash For Gold and Jewelry."" There must be a lot of people doin' it."
Clerk 1,"You didn't steal this, did you?"
Stan,"No, my grandpa gave to me as a present. But it's worth so much I reel really bad accepting it, so I just want the cash."
Clerk 1,"It's 14-karat gold, diamond and turquoise. I'll give you fifteen dollars."
Stan,...What? That cost my grandpa six thousand dollars. Those are real diamonds on the outside.
Clerk 1,"Yeah, I can't really make anything on the diamonds. I'd have to send it to a smelter, have it all smelted down for the gold, probably could make a ten-dollar profit."
Stan,Fifteen bucks?!
Kyle,"Dude, this guy's trying to rook us! We can go someplace else!"
Stan,"Yeah, I'm not gettin' taken advantage of!"
Cartman,"You may suck our collective balls, sir!"
Kyle,Don't worry. There's gotta be another cash for gold place around here somewhere.
Stan,Yeah! Here's one.
Clerk 2,"These are real diamonds, right?"
Stan,"Yeah dude, you can test them."
Clerk 2,Okay. Eight dollars.
Stan,This is the same bolo tie worn by King Henry V!
Clerk 2,Nine dollars.
Clerk 3,Welcome to Taco Bell. Would you like to try our Doritos Locos Tacos?
Stan,I wanna see how much you'll give me for this gold and turquoise diamond bolo.
Clerk 3,"Fourteen-karat gold gets yaaa $14 a gram on the open market, got about... 4 grams here...  It's not really worth my time. I guess I can give you a six-layer burrito for it."
Stan,A six-layer burrito?
Kyle,You guys don't even make a six-layer burrito!
Clerk 3,"Alright, a seven-layer burrito! But that's as high as I'm going!"
Stan,"Dude, my grandpa paid $6000 for something barely worth anything. How? How does something like this happen?"
Dean,"Okay, folks, we are com-, half-way complete with today's broadcast.  You wanna get in on these deals, call now. Next item is... This is item number 4 5 7 8 1 1 1.  Look at these stunning earrings. These are genuine faux sapphire earrings. Fourteen karat gold, 86 carat faux sapphire. Faux is a French word. Got an x in it, but you don't need to pronounce the x. How do you like that for prestigious? These earrings normally go for $6,000,000. We're gonna sell these today fer...  $320!That's a steal. Now th-oh, there go the phones, they're lightin' up. I believe we have a sale? Do we have a sale? Yea- let's get her on the line. Hello? Who am I speakin' with?"
Vivian,Hello... my name is... Vivian.
Dean,"Vivian, you just got a heck of a deal. What's your last name, sweetheart?"
Vivian,Oh I... I can't remember.
Dean,You can't remember. Well can you remember your credit card number?
Vivian,3 7 1 5-
Dean,"Hold on, Vivivan, we'll get you on with a rep, take down that number. Thanks for shoppin' with us and congratulations on the lovely 14 karat gold sapphire earrings. At that price you practically stole them from us. Ouch. Okay-"
Kyle,"Dude, that's terrible!"
Cartman,I told you guys. I've been watching all day.
Stan,"But, how do they get away with that?"
Cartman,This is a new time. A new era of science that only the smartest can comprehend.
Stan,What are you talking about?
Cartman,"For centuries alchemists have tried to come up with a formula to make gold. Whoever could do it would of course become rich, and now-! The chemical equation is right before our eyes."
Kyle,That's the chemical equation for gold?
Cartman,"That's right.  Guys with Cash For gold Signs gets you People's Unwanted Crappy Jewelry, which when added to a Cable-Based Shopping Network divided by Demented Old people equals Gold."
Kyle,"...Kenny, will you tell Cartman to shut up?"
Kenny,"(Shut the fuck up, dude! You're a fuckin' asshole!)"
Cartman,"Oh, I'm an asshole for doin' math!"
Dean,"Oh my gosh, can you believe this? Somebody's about to get this $20,000 topaz and copper ring for just four thousand bucks.  We've got our buyer on the line. You buyin' this as a gift, sir?"
Caller,"No, I'm buying it as a gift! For my grandson Billy!"
Stan,Grandpa?
Dean,"How about that, folks? That is Brazilian emerald, finest emerald available. We're letting this oen go fer... fourteen ninety five , EZ Pay. We call it that to save you time. EZ is an abbreviation of easy. Fourteen ninety five, EZ Pay an... What's that? Okay, alright, I just got word, we are droppin' the Z from EZ Pay. It's now just E Pay.  By usin' the word E Pay instead of takin' all that time to say EZ Pay, we're savin' you a second of time, and those seconds add up. Go ahead and try it: say E Pay five thousand times. That's five thousand seconds, nine hours... we just saved you here on J&G Shoppin' Network.  Not wastin' your time here, you can't afford not to buy this one. You don't have a lot of time left. Literally. Pass this one down to your kids, your grandkids.  Show 'em your life had meaning."
Stan,Grandpa.
Marvin,"Well you see that, Billy? That's an emerald on 14 karat gold. Don't you think your sister would like that?"
Stan,"She doesn't like jewelry, Grandpa."
Marvin,"Ha! Well she will one day. She'll appreciate it. She's, she's just a baby after all."
Stan,"She's not a baby, Grandpa, she's thirteen."
Marvin,"Shelly's thirteen? Rihight. Right, boy...  Billy, did I ever tell you I used to have a border collie named Patches?"
Stan,"Yes, Grandpa."
Marvin,"I loved that dog. She always made me so happy. When she died, I... I didn't let myself get too sad, 'cause I thought, thought I'd always have the memory of her slobberin' happy face.  I can't remember what she looked like, Billy... Huh. Huohh."
Stan,"Don't worry, Grandpa. I'm gonna take care of this!"
Cartman,"Hey Craig. Goin' on? Token! Bet your mom has some old jewelry she wouldn't notice missing. Bebe! You got those rhinestones in your earrings, I'll have some walking cash! I can probably offer you a-"
Butters,Whoops!
Cartman,"Butters, what the fuck?!"
Butters,Sorry. My arms hurt.
Cartman,"""My arms hurt."" Pick the fucking sign up, Butters! This is a business!"
Leroy,Hey! How much will you give me for this?
Cartman,"Oh ahhhh, three bucks."
Leroy,Okay.
Cartman,We got crappy jewelry Butters. Now all we need are some old people.
Dean,"And that's it, we just sold this bracelet to Ms. Marcia Tubbs. Martha, thank you so much for your call. You just got yourself a heck of a deal on this one. You there Marcia?"
Marcia,Yes.  I'm lost. I'm lost walkin' on the freeway.
Dean,"Alright, you're lost walkin' on the freeway? Enjoy the Tiger's Eye Aquamarine bracelet. Alri- okay, what should we do next? Oh I see one. Here's a good'un. Lemme...  Lemme... lemme set the stage for you here: you're goin' to that seniors' cocktail party? It's bingo night and you're lookin' for somethin' to wear? How about a 13 carat panzoto-panzanite ring. This is-oh! We got a caller already on this one! Hello sir, you must be a fan of panzoto-panzanite."
Stan,"Yeah, hi. Um, you should kill yourself?"
Dean,...What's that?
Stan,"I said, you should kill yourself? What you do is sort of, unjustifiable? And you know it's unjustifiable? And you don't care? You're the definition of evil? Kill yourself?"
Dean,"Okay, we're gonna sell this ring for just thirty-seven ninety five.  How's that?"
Stan,I just read that the day shopping networks make most of their money is on the day seniors pick up Social Security checks? Kill yourself.
Dean,"Alright, well you shouldn't say things like that 'cause... some host of a jewelry channel sure might up and do it, and then you'd feel really bad."
Stan,No i wouldn't.
Dean,Yes you would.
Stan,"No, because I really want you to kill yourself."
Dean,"Alright, well how about this?! If a jewelry network host goes home tonight and blows the brains out, you might be liable. That's a lawsuit worth ...2.7 million dollars? How's that sound?"
Stan,"I don't care what happens to me, I care about my grandfather, you morally empty corrupted maggot!"
Dean,"Alright, I tell you what: I'll bring the lawsuit down to twenty-nine thirty-nine-"
Stan,"Nono, uh it doesn't matter what price you put on anything! Your only chance to right the wrongs you've done, and repay all the elderly people whose lives you've destroyed, is to kill yourself."
Dean,"Well, you think it's funny, but that's, that's callin' up and tellin' someone to kill themselves; that's not a joke."
Stan,I'm not joking.  Do it.
Cartman,"Okay, next item? Next item we're gonna do is uh, 5 5 2 1 6 uh 7, 7 5, 5  This is-oh my God, look at this you guys.  This is 200 carat Brazilian emerald and plasticine ring. I'm gonna start bidding for this ring at, um, let's see, eight billion dollars. Eight billion dollars, opening bid. We've gotta sell this ring today. Tell you what, I'm gonna take it down a little. We're gonna drop that price down to... $75.95. At this price it's not gonna last for lo-oh, we got a caller already, Butters? Butters? Look like- Did we sell it? Yep, seventy-five ninety-five, that's what the rung just sold for. Do we have the buyer on the line? Hello?"
Caller,Hello?
Cartman,"YES, you just bought this lovely 200-carat ring. How do you feel, Mrs...?"
Mrs. Appleby,This is Mrs. Appleby on 24 Palmark Lane?
Cartman,"Can I ask you something, Mrs. Appleby? Do you like fucking little boys?"
Mrs. Appleby,I'm sorry?
Cartman,"Just wondering if you fuck kids all the time, 'cause that's what you just did with this deal. You just got an $8,000,000,000 ring for seventy-five ninety-five. You fucked me good, Mrs. Appleby. Congratulations, ma'am."
Mrs. Appleby,Thank you.
Cartman,"Were you just flippin' through the channels and saw me selling this ring and thought ""Hm, I'd like to fuck that kid!"""
Mrs. Appleby,...I thought it'd be a lovely gift for my granddaughter Jessica. She's captain of the debate team at Jefferson High School. see-
Cartman,"Oh-kay, thanks for shopping with us. I gotta get the taste of old lady dick out of my mouth."
Mrs. Appleby,Goodbye.
Cartman,Bye! Man that's good acting. I should get an award.
Stan,Do you have any idea what it would feel like to start losing your memories?! No! Because you don't have someone in your life suffering from Alzheimer's! Well I do!
Manager,"Look, kid, if you've got a beef with the system, you're talkin' to the wrong people. All we do is smelter down what we get from the cash for gold places."
Stan,"Yeah?! Well there's an old Hindu saying: ""Whoever smelt it, dealt it!"""
Kyle,Yeah!
Kenny,(Fuck yeah!)
Manager,"We aren't the ones who denied you what your jewelry was really worth. The Hindu saying is actually ""Mayii nahii chahatapahnii"""
Kyle,What does that mean?
Manager,"""Whoever denied it,  supplied it."""
Stan,"YOU are the scums of the earth! Old people are victimized by shopping networks and YOU kick back in your fat-cat mansions, making billions!"
Butters,"We aren't makin' that much, fellas."
Stan,You're not?
Twirler 1,"Who don't you yell at the people who melt the gold down? The old Hindu saying is ""Whever smelt it dealt it"""
Kyle,"Nuh uh! It's ""Whoever denied it, supplied it!"""
Twirler 2,"You got it all wrong. The jewelry that those shopping networks sell don't even come from us! It's all made in India, where those Hindu rhymes come from!"
Twirler 3,"What are you saying, Gustav? My God, do you mean?"
Twirler 4,That's right. Whoever made the rhyme did the crime.
Cartman,"Suck my balls, suck my balls...  Hello!"
Clerk 4,Ohhhh welcoooome! Welcome to discount jewelry stohhhhh!
Cartman,"Yeah, listen, I'm running a retail business, but I can't get enough of people's unwanted crappy jewelry to keep up, so I'd like to buy some of yours."
Clerk 4,Ohhhhh you so good foh biiiziness!  You so clehhvahh.
Cartman,"I get by. Let's see, I'm gonna need some gold necklaces, diamond bracelets, and emerald earrings."
Clerk 4,"Okay, what emero do you rike?"
Cartman,"Oh, I don't know, I guess I'll take that ring there."
Clerk 4,Ohhhh you make so good chooice! Oh it's beauuutiful!  Look it's beauuutiful!
Cartman,"And uh, maybe I'll that one for three hundred."
Clerk 4,"Oh, that's best one! You so clevohh!  You take advantage o'my low pricess!"
Cartman,How about that panzanite bracelet for nine ninety five.
Clerk 4,"You got good eye,  You so clehhvahh. I getting taken advantaaage! You rike to fuck an Asian lady?"
Cartman,What d'ja say?
Clerk 4,"I know, you walk by my stoh and you say ""Oh, there's a nice Asian lady. I think I go in and I fuck hurh,"" you Asian-lady fucker you!"
Cartman,Wait a minute. How much do you pay for this stuff?
Clerk 4,"Oh, I pay thousands! And you come heuh an' fuck me!"
Cartman,"Okay, quit the act! I'm not fucking you and you know it!"
Clerk 4,"Nono, you fucked me!"
Cartman,"Nono, you fucked me! Fuck you!"
Butters,"Oh sorry, sorry."
Cartman,"You see, I'm looking to cut out the middle man. I want to buy my jewelry direct from you so that-  Motherfucker!"
Stan,You should be ashamed of the people in America that you are exploiting! How dare you take advantage of those less fortunate?!
Cartman,"You dirty double-crossing assholes! You're trying to cut me out, huh?! You guys stole my formula, then tried to fuck me- Butters!"
Butters,Sorry!
Cartman,-and then tried to fuck me out of your business!
Kyle,"We're not fucking you, they're fucking Stan's grandpa!"
Cartman,"No, they're getting fucked by Asian ladies!"
Stan,"Somebody is at the head of all this, and somebody needs to pay! All I want is some Goddamned retribution for my Goddamned grandpa!  No! Not a diamond-and-gold necklace!"
Kyle,What's he doing?
Stan,"Oh, yeah. Actually, this might kind of work."
Stan,"So the we went to India, which is pretty cool I guess. I've never been there before. And we basically learned that whoever smelt it, denied it, and rhymed it actually dealt it."
Marvin,"Ahh, sounds like you had a fun weekend."
Stan,"Yeah, I guess so. Anyway Grandpa, I wanted to give you something."
Marvin,"Oh, for me?  Oh! My God. There she is.  Old Patches. There's that slobberin' happy face! Thank you Billy. That means a lot.  Billy, that... that bolo tie you're wearing?"
Stan,Yeah.
Marvin,"I don't know where you got that, but it's fucking gay as fuck."
Stan,"Cool. I, I won't wear it anymore."
Marvin,That's a good idea.
Dean,"Folks, these are not your ordinary peridot craponite earrings, these are 18-karat gold! and we got-oh, do we have a buyer on the line? Hello?"
Caller 1,What are you waiting for? Kill yourself.
Dean,"Alright Goddamnit, we got another comedian. Ever since that little kid called up, now everybody wants to call and tell me I should kill myself."
Caller 1,He was right. Do it.
Dean,"Folks, this is an 800 number. Every time you call and tell me to kill myself, it's costing us... two dollars and thirty six cents! So now, how about a caller who wants to buy jewelry&#160;? Yes. Hello, sir?"
Caller 2,"You're too scared to do it, aren't-cha? You don't have the balls."
Dean,Goddamnit I'm not scared to do it.
Caller 2,"New, you're scared. You got, you got lady balls."
Caller 3,Hello? I'm calling about the peridot earrings?
Dean,Yes ma'am!
Caller 3,They'd look good on your dead body. Why don't you kill yourself?
Dean,"Alright, that's that! That there's the- the straw that broke the camel's back! I got a gun right here; whattaya think about that?!"
Caller 3,Put it against your temple and pull the trigger.
Mitt,"I know the people are going to say, oh you should only practice it this way or that way."
Rick,I believe in capitalism too. I believe in capitalism for everybody.
Newt,"What he said, which I find mildly amazing, was that he thought I would have a hard time debating Barack Obama."
Ron,We faced something much much greater after World War II.  We had ten million coming home at once. What did we do then? Some liberals said we need more work programs-
Stan,"Tango, Tango, I'm in position."
Kyle,"Copy, tango. Clear vantage point?"
Stan,It will have to do. We're not getting closer.
Kyle,"Alright, Butters. Bring it in."
Butters,"Equipment is flying in, ten seconds."
Kyle,"Copy that. 10 seconds, Cartman."
Cartman,"I can hear Kyle, just tell me when to go."
Agent 1,We might have a problem.
Agent 2,What's that?
Agent 1,We just got word somebody might try to Faith Hill this event.
Agent 2,"Lock down the whole perimeter. Nobody is Faith Hilling, not on my watch!"
Stan,I think they're onto us guys. Let's do this.  I got it.
Agent 3,"Hey, somebody is under the stage."
Kyle,Go Cartman!
Butters,We got it. We got it!
Stan,"Go, go, go."
Cartman,"Hehe hehe, that was sweet you guys."
Reporter,"First, there was planking.  People taking pictures of themselves in a planked position and putting the photos on the Internet. Planking was soon replaced by owling.  And after the super bowl by bradying.  But the newest meme involves pulling the shirt out to look like boobs.  It's called Faith Hilling. And all around the world people are doing it.  Kids, adults, and even notable celebrities are getting into the act.  But as Faith Hilling is more and more popular, the question on everyone's mind, who will be the first to die doing it?"
Lamont,I have been sent here because you children are playing with fire!  Faith Hilling is nothing more than an evolution of bradying. From football quarterback to football singer.
Cartman,"Oh, please. Bradying is to 2000 and lame."
Lamont,"I know you all think what you're doing is new and hip and cool. But the truth is memeing has been around a long time. We're gonna watch a film strip now, that's a little dated but I think it gets the point across."
Speaker,For many young people today taking pictures in silly poses becomes a dangerous past time. The latest meme has also become the most deadly. It's called tebowing.
Speaker,This is Ryan and Barkley. They're about to learn how dangerous tebowing can be.
Ryan,Here is a good place. I'll do it right here.
Barkley,"I don't know, Ryan, you sure this is a good idea?"
Ryan,"Stop being a scaredy-cat. It will just take a second, how could I get hurt?"
Barkley,"Okay, hold still.  What's that?"
Ryan,A traaain! AAAAAA!
Barkley,RYAN!
Ryan,"No, no! Nooo! No, no, no, no, noooo!"
Barkley,Ryan!
Ryan,Learn from me.
Woman 1,"This sure is a nice car, Tommy.  Would you like to get a picture of me tebowing in it?"
Tommy,Sure.  What is that?
Woman 1,"Oh my God, it's coming!"
Tommy,"God no!  No, no!"
Woman 1,"Tommy, d-did you get the picture?"
Tommy,"Hold on, wait, hold on!"
Woman 1,"Hurry, hurry! AAAAA!  Eeeaaah!"
Man 1,"Be careful up there, Pete."
Pete,Just go on and take the picture.
Speaker,"These youths paid with their lives for tebowing. When they posed for pictures they should have remembered there are only three approved memes: peace signs , bunny ears  and fake wiener  Maybe you think this doesn't apply to you, maybe you think your memes are safe. Or maybe you're watching this in the future and tebowing has been replaced by some other meme. Well, if you are watching his in the future,  get off your flying cellphone scooters and THINK. Just remember.  Use the approved poses if you want to be a memer. Peace signs, bunny ears, and fake wieners."
Cartman,"Oh, God. That was boring."
Kenny,(Totally!)
Kyle,"So, what do you want to do now?"
Cartman,"Well, there is the nice French café downtown. Maybe we should get some Faith Hilling pictures there."
Stan,"Oh, that's a good idea."
Butters,What?! You mean you guys still plan on Faith Hilling after what we just saw?
Cartman,"Butters, Faith Hilling defines our generation."
Butters,"Well, count me out."
Kyle,"You're gonna give up on Faith Hilling just like that, Butters? How could you?"
Butters,"Well, I'm scared."
Craig,"Hey, did you see today's newspaper?"
Cartman,"Why would we look at a newspaper, retard?"
Craig,You guys made the front page.
Cartman,Really?
Stan,"Dude, we are on the front page!"
Cartman,Yes!
Kenny,"(Yeah, dude!)"
Stan,"Can we get a different pose, please?"
Cartman,"What's it say, what's it say?"
Stan,"It says... Oh, oh no. It says Faith Hilling is now all like 2000-late."
Cartman,What? Let me see that.
Kyle,How can that be? Already?
Stan,Public reaction was the stunt pulled off by five elementary school students was not only dangerous and disruptive but also completely passé.
Kyle,How can we be passé? We're only in 4th grade.
Stan,"""Faith Hilling is pretty stale,"" said Republican candidate Newt Gingrich. ""If they had crashed the debate by Taylor Swifting that would have been impressive."""
Cartman,Taylor Swifting? What the fuck is that?
Stan,That's all it is?
Cartman,You pull down your pants and wipe your butt on the ground like an old dog.
Kyle,But that's stupid.  How can that replace Faith Hilling? It doesn't even make any sense.
Cartman,"I can't believe people take the time to do this garbage.  This has to be stopped, you guys."
Boy 1,"Okay. Hold it there. Okay. That's good, don't move."
Cartman,How is this Kyle? This good?
Kyle,"Yep, that's great."
Cartman,"Cool, these will be good uploads."
Boy 2,"Hey, what are you doing?"
Cartman,Faith Hilling. Why don't you get the fuck out of here?
Boy 1,Oh God. Faith Hilling is so February 2012.
Stan,"Saying something is so 2000 and anything is so 2009, you stupid ass wipe."
Boy 2,Come on guys. It's not worth it. We can do our Taylor Swifting somewhere else.   Knock it off!
Cartman,Why don't you make me?
Lamont,"Yesterday afternoon four kids went to the hospital for injuries resulting from memeing in front of a local cafe.  Faith Hilling, Taylor Swifting. These are things that will get you killed!  That's a loaded .38. How many of you think it's a smart idea to put a loaded .38 on a 9-year-old's desk? Well, if safety doesn't matter to you go ahead, pick the gun up."
Butters,"Oh, that's okay. I think..."
Lamont,Pick the gun up! You might as well. Swifting and hilling is like playing with a loaded gun! Do you all understand my point?
Kids,"Yes, sir."
Lamont,Good. Now put the gun in your mouth.
Butters,HA?!
Lamont,"Hey! You're following plankers and tebowers, so put a loaded gun in your mouth! DO IT!  Everybody take a good look.  This is what you're doing every time you play with Internet memes. You're playing roulette with your lives!"
Man 2,"Professor Lamont, we need to talk."
Lamont,I will be right back.
Man 2,"You're an expert on memes, Professor Lamont."
Lamont,"Yes, what is this about?"
Man 3,"We need your expertise, sir."
Man 2,"Have you ever heard of another species, memeing on the Internet?"
Lamont,Another species? What are you talking about?
Man 3,"We were hoping perhaps you could help us understand...  this.  Cats have started to put pictures of themselves on the Internet, with bread around their heads. Cat breading, it's called. It's just such an odd thing to do, we thought would you explain it to us."
Lamont,They're evolving. Cats are evolving.
Man 3,Sorry?
Lamont,"There are two ways a species evolves. Physically from genes and culturally from memes. Just like genes, memes replicate, mutate and adapt."
Man 2,We're having a hard time following you here.
Lamont,Look. In the 70s there was fonzing.  Which replaced the outdated mustaching.  In the 60s cultural ideas were passed on by everybody poodle-fisting.  But even that evolved from people ass wedging in the 40s.  Even before photographs humans memed for portraits. All the way back to the Egyptians who had pictures painted of themselves donkey ticking.
Man 2,You are saying cats are showing signs of evolution with their cat breading meme?
Lamont,"If they're putting slices of bread on their heads and taking pictures,  they're proving to be almost as intelligent as we are."
Cartman,"Mr. Kitty, do you mind explaining this?  You wanna tell me why you're putting pictures of yourself on the Internet with bread around your face? This is a bad kitty. Bad! You're taking the idea of Faith Hilling and making it stupid. Bad kitty.  Bad Mr. Kitty.  Bad kitty! No more memeing!  Come on, guys.  Bad Mr. Kitty!"
Stan,"Well, I'm glad we took care of that."
Kyle,"Yeah, what do you guys wanna do now?"
Cartman,I was thinking of maybe Faith Hilling at the place they do AA meeting.
Stan,That's a cool idea
Kenny,"(Oh, fuck it, dude.)"
Kyle,"W-what's the matter, Kenny?"
Kenny,(I don't know. That seems quite pointless.)
Stan,What seems pointless?
Kenny,"(Hey, just accept Faith Hilling is out of style!)"
Kyle,"Hey!  Faith Hilling is not out of style, alright?"
Kenny,"(Well,... ...and I can't take any of that!)"
Stan,"No, no, no! These stupid fads are only that, okay? We can't give in to this crap."
Cartman,"Don't give up on Faith Hilling, Kenny. Don't you give up on her."
Reporter,"Two Boulder children died today while Oh Long Johnsoning in a battling cage. Oh Long Johnsonning is of course the latest Internet meme which involves putting oneself in a risky situation and then seeing how many times you can say ""Oh Long Johnson"" on video before getting out of the way."
Boy 3,"You ready, you ready?"
Boy 4,"I'm recording, go."
Boy 3,Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. O-Oh Long-
Boy 4,Larry!
Reporter,"This latest Internet meme is shocking. But most shocking of all is the person who started the meme isn't a person at all, but a cat who seems to have no regard for people's safety."
Cat,Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson.
Reporter,The cat is now under arrest and awaiting trial for its part in the teenager's death.
Stan,Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson.
Boy 1,"Yeah, that's good. Now go back the other way."
Stan,"Oh Long Johnson, Oh Long-"
Cartman,"Dude, what's going on?"
Stan,"Oh, hey, guys. How's it going?"
Kyle,"We thought you were meeting us at Cartman's. What are you doing here, Taylor Swifting?"
Boy 1,"He's not Taylor Swifting, that's old stuff."
Stan,"Yeah, now you're doing to see how many times you can say Oh Long Johnson. I thought just, you know, try it out."
Cartman,"Guys, remember when we heard about that pollack with one testicle in the revolutionary war? What was his name?"
Kyle,Benedict Arnold.
Stan,"Oh, come on. You guys need to realize that Faith Hilling is over, okay?  You can pretend all you want, but it's not coming back."
Kyle,Kenny?
Kenny,"(I'm sorry guys. Faith Hilling is just a stupid fad, right?)"
Boy 1,"If you guys wanna keep Faith Hilling, I'm sure people are still doing it at the old folks home."
Stan,"You will like this, Kenny. Pull down your pants."
Kyle,You guys are sellouts.
Cartman,"Come on, Kyle."
Kyle,You're freaking sellouts!
Cartman,"It's okay, man, come on."
Lamont,What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you have any idea when you play with memes you're playing with fire?
Cat,Oh Long Johnson.
Lamont,"Oh, very funny. People are dying out there. Is that what you want?"
Cat,Oh Long Jeeea-
Lamont,You cats want a war? Because that's what you're going to get!
Cat,Oh oh oh.
Reporter 2,"Long ago there was tebowing, which evolved into Faith Hilling. But the latest memeing craze, Swift-Johnsoning, may now also have its rival.  A brand new meme, where people video themselves wearing trench coats and talking about the dangers of memeing. They call it ""reporting"". And safety officials say that it's dangerous and potentially fatal.  Oh! Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson."
Kyle,"Yeah, yeah, that's cool. Bring the left titty out some more.  Yeah, yeah freeze there."
Little Boy,"What are those boys doing, daddy?"
Dad,"Oh, I think they're Faith Hilling, Bobby. It's a little before your time."
Little Boy,How droll.
Cartman,"Get a couple facing the other way, brah."
Kyle,"Yeah, good idea."
Doctor,"Hey, you kids Faith Hilling in front of my clinic? 'Cause I got a couple of patients in here that could use a good time machine.  Get it?"
Man 4,Go back to the 90s! Faggooots!
Kyle,"We have to face it, Cartman."
Cartman,I know. I know Kyle.
Kyle,I really thought it was gonna last.
Cartman,I guess the only thing that doesn't change in life... is that things change.  The sun hurts my eyes.
Kyle,It wasn't like Faith Hilling was that great. I mean-
Cartman,"No, no. It was kind of stupid, really."
Kyle,I-It's good that it became something else.
Cartman,And we'll have a blast doing the new stuff.
Reporter,"Household cats have evolved into a species as intelligent as humans. Will this mean war between our two life forms? In an attempt to try and communicate with the leader of cats, experts have sent in the ambassador of people."
Ambassador,Hello.
Cat,Oh Long Johnson.
Ambassador,"Meow, meow."
Cat,Oh Long Johnson.
Ambassador,Long Johnson.
Cat,Oh Long Johnson.
Ambassador,Oh Long Johnson.
Cat,Oh- Oh Don Piano.
Ambassador,Oh Don Piano.
Cat,Oh Long Johnson.
Ambassador,Oh Don Piaaano.
Cat,Oh Long Jon-Jon-Johnson.
Ambassador,Oh lala lionde. Oh long John- Don piano. Don piaaaano.
Cat,Oh Long Johnson.
Ambassador,"I'm not sure but I think it said war between our species is inevitable, that evolution cannot be stopped and cats will rise. It said we cannot coexist and then said oh don piaaano and then and then something about seeing the streets of human cities running red with the blood of their children."
Stan,"Okay, that's good, a little higher."
Cartman,"Okay, cool. I'm gonna go left to right, is that good?"
Kyle,"Yeah, that's awesome."
Stan,"OK, whenever you're ready."
Mr. Kitty,Meow.
Cartman,"No, kitty, you have to be quiet."
Mr. Kitty,Meow.
Cartman,No kitty! That's a bad kitty!
Boy 1,"Wow, what's this?"
Kyle,"What, you been living under a rock? This is the new meme, Cat Taylor Swift Reporting."
Stan,"Alright, go Cartman."
Cartman,Taylor Swift is dangerous. Taylor Swift is dangerous!
Girl 1,That's pretty cool.
Stan,"Yeah, that's cool. It's awesome."
Kyle,It's super awesome.
Cartman,"Yeah, yeah, we got it down, you guys. Think we're ready for the big time."
Mr. Kitty,"Meow, meow."
Cartman,"SHUT UP, KITTY!"
Reporter 3,"With the inevitable species war looming, our country's brightest leaders have come together to debate and reason with the ambassador of cats. It's called putty-whistling. And the question on everyone's mind... Who will be the first person to die from it?"
Mitt,"W-well, you know, I ran for president four years ago. This was the position I described when I ran four years ago..."
Rick,If you wanna be an American the first thing you should do is respect-
Newt,To ask a very simple question. How big of a scale of change do we want in Washington.
Cat,Oh Long Johnson.
Newt,I started working in the governor wing in 1974.
Cat,Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Piaano.
Newt,I'm gonna say two things...
Cat,Oh Long Johnson.
Mitt,"I have five sons, five daughters in law, sixteen grand kids, and they're the joy of my life."
Cat,Oh Lalalonde.
Newt,I was wrong when I figured it out. You were wrong when you didn't.
Cat,Oh Long Johnson.
Rick,"It's, It's not the most attractive thing to go out there and say, look it took me ten or twelve years to figure out it was wrong-"
Stan,Fox trot standing by at position alpha.
Kyle,"Copy, Fox trot, let's fly in the goods Tango."
Kenny,(This is Tango. I have the goods.)
Stan,Standing by in three seconds.
Kyle,"Two, one. Go Cartman!"
Cartman,Let's do this.
Kyle,"Cartman? Go, Cartman."
Stan,"Come on, dude. Hurry."
Cartman,"No. NOO!  I won't do it. I won't do it, you hear me! I'm better than this.  And to hell with you, Mr. Kitty. You're a bad kitty! Bad, bad kitty! It's time somebody stood up, and did the right thing."
Kyle,"Yeah. Do it, Cartman."
Cartman,"Alright, football night, what do you do?Get out your camera and a boobie or two."
Stan,Wow!
Cartman,We gotta get serious while we’re in our prime.
Man 5,Have you ever seen Faith Hilling so good?
Cartman,"Come on everybody,It's Faith Hilling time.Dancin', rappin', titties flappin' where are you?This is the only memeing I'll ever do."
Cat,Oh Long Johnson.
Cartman,Is a meme I will fight'Cause I'm Faith Hilling 'til the day that I die.
Reporter 3,"And so in the face of war a little boy reminds us all what being human really means. The message is unclear. But it doesn't matter as long as you give the audience a song, celebrity bashing, and Republican hopefuls dancing around with boobies. It's called pandering and all over the country people are-  Oh! Oh Long Johns-"
Sheila,"Yes, yes, this whole coming week is the Jewish holiday of Passover. Yes, it's all about how Moses led the Hebrews out of Egypt. Very good! So on Friday, all Jewish people will celebrate Passover with a seder dinner.  Because God commanded the Jews to only eat bread that hasn't been given yeast to rise."
Cartman,"Wow, that's so cool. And so then Passover lasts seven days?"
Sheila,"Yes, yes, one week from seder dinner on Friday to the next Friday."
Cartman,"Interesting, and why is it called Passover again?"
Sheila,"Well, because in ancient Egypt, God passed over the houses marked with the blood of a lamb."
Cartman,"So interesting, wow."
Kyle,Get out of here.
Cartman,"Oh, hey, Kyle."
Kyle,Get. Outta here!
Cartman,"Well, I better be going. Thanks so much Ms. Broflovski, I learned a ton."
Sheila,"Well, you're very welcome."
Kyle,What are you gonna do?
Cartman,Isn't it possible I just want to learn more about the Jewish faith?
Kyle,No?
Cartman,"Alright, Kyle, listen.  Legends tell of a horrific four legged creature from Mexico that sucks the blood of goats, and it might have just spotted in South Park."
Kyle,What does that have to do with Passover?
Cartman,"All I can promise you is that this is going to be the most memorable Passover ever.  ""Cartman's Passover Holiday Special"", starring, THE JEWPACABRA!"
Attendant,"Alright, next please. Signing up for the Easter egg hunt?"
Butters,Hoh da lolly! This is gonna be so much fun!
Craig,"Yeah, I can't wait for Sunday."
Kenny,"(Me, too.)"
Cartman,"Yeah, yeah, it should be a real blast, heh. I just hope Jewpacabra doesn't show up, that's all."
Craig,Jewpa what?
Cartman,"Jewpaca- look, it's nothing. Forget I said anything."
Craig,"Okay.  So anyways, are they saying what time the event starts?"
Cartman,"Okay, look: A lot of people claim that on Passover, a blood sucking creature called the Jewpacabra comes out and preys on children. This year passover happens to be the same week as Easter."
Butters,"You mean it's like, like a monster?"
Cartman,"It's just a legend, alright?! But people all over town have started reported strange things. Knocked over trash cans, weird howls..."
Token,Nuh-uh!
Cartman,"Yeah-uh, Token! Don't think it won't come after you just because you're black!"
Clyde,"You guys, check this out!"
Cartman,"Alright, alright, stay back. Stay back! It definitely looks like a Jewpacabra attack, but it's hard to tell."
Butters,AAAAAAHHH!
Cartman,"Alright guys, we're gonna need some video cameras. We gotta go out at night and try to get proof of this thing."
Kyle,"Alright, alright! Knock it off! Stop spreading lies."
Cartman,I'm trying to protect people. And why are you so quick to try and cover up Jewpacabra's existence?
Kyle,I looked on the known species webpage. There's no animal called a 'Jewpacabra' mentioned anywhere.
Cartman,"Well, neither is Bigfoot, Kyle, but there are a lot of people who say they have spotted a Sasquatch."
Kyle,"If someone says they saw a Sasquatch, they are either lying or they are stupid. Now stop lying about a Jewpacabra before stupid people start believing you!"
Butters,"Lu lu lu, lu... N-no such thing as J-Jewpacabra. People made it up.  It's -- that's okay. Even if there was a J-Jewpacabra it couldn't get in my r-room anyways."
Cartman,Butters.
Butters,AAAAAHHH!
Cartman,"Come on, Butters, you and me are gonna try to catch Jewpacabra on camera."
Butters,"No, it's a school night!"
Cartman,"Butters, do you know how many times Jewpacabra has been shot on video? Zee-ro!  I can't do this alone, please. Help me prove to the rest of the world Jewpacabra is real."
Cartman,"Look at these dense trees and brush. Oh yeah, this is exactly the kind of forest Jewpacabra likes to hide in."
Butters,You think Jewpacabra is here?
Cartman,Pretty sure Jewpacabra was here.
Butters,Oh good. Maybe we scared it off?
Cartman,"You can't scare a Jewpacabra, Butters. Don't forget we're dealing with a creature that drinks blood, hides in the night and has absolutely no belief in the divinity of Christ.  Did you hear that? I'm going to try a Jewpacabra mating call now. NO CHRIST! NO CHRIST! I'M REALLY NOT BUYING THIS WHOLE CHRIST THING!  He's here somewhere."
Butters,"Oh God, I'm scared."
Cartman,JESUS IS A LIE!
Butters,"Eric, stop it!"
Cartman,"Shh! Help me call it out, Butters."
Butters,I'm not saying Jesus is a lie!
Cartman,"Butters, do you wanna catch Jewpacabra on camera or not?!  THERE IS NO CHRIST!"
Butters,Jesus is a lie?
Cartman,"No way Jesus was son of God, huh, Butters?"
Butters,Nope. I don't think... Christ has any basis in reality.
Cartman,Sh! You hear that?
Butters,"Oh, hamburgers."
President,We started Sooper Foods to give people a place to buy groceries that was fun and safe. We are not canceling our Easter Egg hunt because of some wild story!
Cartman,"I didn't think you would believe me. And that why last night I took it upon myself to go out and try to capture it on video.  What I'm about to show you is the first video ever shot of a Jewpacabra.  And you're the first to see it.  This is just after 8 p.m. First we heard rustling in the bushes. Then a strange, animal-like scurrying sound. That's when we saw, this.  'Kay wait for it, wait for it, wait for it... wait for it... wait for...  right there! Did you see the Jewpacabra? I know, it's so shocking it takes a minute for your brain to process what it's seeing. Watch again.  Wait for it... wait... there!  Jewpacabra. There's a Jewpacabra in South Park. God help us."
Employee 1,That wasn't a dog?
Cartman,"It was no dog. I was there, I'm telling you this thing had no idea that Jesus Christ had died for our sins."
Employee 2,What?
Cartman,"I can try to catch it, but I'm going to need all the resources you've got. If this thing isn't contained, your Easter Egg hunt is going to be a bloodbath."
Employee 1,Mr. Billings?
Mr. Billings,"There's two things that separate Sooper Foods from all the other grocery stores: Fun and safety. What do you think, Peters? What are the chances that this 'Jewpacabra' is real?"
Peters,I'm estimating somewhere around .000000001%.
Mr. Billings,We can't afford to take that chance. Get this kid whatever he needs.
Mr. Billings,So where are we heading first?
Cartman,"We need to get to the city of Nassau in the Bahamas, here."
Mr. Billings,The Bahamas?
Cartman,That's right. There's a resort near there called 'The Atlantis Hotel and Casino'. They have a water slide there that goes through a shark tank.
Cartman,Weeeeeee! Oh yes! Oolll! Check it out! Heheyeahehe!
Mr. Billings,Where to now?
Cartman,"Now we head back to Colorado, here.  We need to get my video of the Jewpacabra into the hands of professionals who can analyze it."
Kyle,Would you stop scaring everyone with your dumb ass myth!
Cartman,"People thought Atlantis was a myth, Kyle, but I was just there. I've explored the depths of Atlantis, and now I'm about to prove a new species exists. I'm a little James Cameron."
Kyle,"These people aren't going to prove anything. To believe any of this you either have to be a liar, or stupid."
Cartman,"These are professional people who go around tracking Sasquatches, Kyle! They aren't liars, and they aren't stupid!"
Matt,Look at its trajectory. It heads directly to the right.
Cliff,"It can't be human it's too low to the ground. What do you think, Bobo?"
Bobo,Bobo thinks scary!
Matt,It's definitely something. I'm thinking a Sasquatch.
Cliff,It's not big enough to be a Squatch.
Matt,So it's a baby Squatch?
Cliff,That's what I'm thinking.
Cartman,I've already done my research boys. What you're looking at there is a Jewpacabra.
Matt,Jewpacabra?
Cartman,"It's like a Sasquatch, only more elusive, more ferocious and a little more greedy."
Bobo,"Oh, Jewpacabra, that sounds scary!"
Cliff,"But it makes total sense. If we rule out a human and a baby Sasquatch, Jewpacabra is all we really have left."
Cartman,"Well, I guess that's it. You're going to have to only allow me into the Easter Egg hunt, sir. I'm the only one qualified."
Mr. Billings,All the kids will be so disappointed.
Bobo,"Whoa, look at this! I just did the heatie thermal thingie to the video! It's all orangie!"
Cliff,But it's supposed to be all yellow-y. My God! This really is proof of a Jewpacabra!
Cartman,Heh. What do you mean?
Cliff,We've never seen this before! It really is true!
Cartman,"Well, I mean it could have just been a dog?"
Matt,No it's impossible. Look at the zoomy in. If I drop image of a dog next to it...  That thing is way to big to be a dog. And check out the thermals coming off of it.
Bobo,That's the thermals. They make a proof and the thermals!
Matt,"That's right, Bobo. Whatever this thing is it's mean and angry as hell."
Cartman,"Well, come on guys, it's probably a Jewpacabra but this isn't definitive."
Matt,"I'll tell you one thing, kid, you're pretty brave."
Cartman,Why?
Cliff,'Cause you took the video of this thing. It's not gonna like that.
Matt,"If it is a Jewpacabra, he's gonna be coming after you."
Cartman,"There's... no way. No way Jewpacabra is real.  Those, those cryptozoologists don't know what they're talking about. They just... they just gave me a case of the Hebrew jeebies that's all... Eh, eaah.  Hey. Jewpacabra can't be real, right? Tell me again why it can't be real?  I mean, it's impossible that something I made up could turn out to actually exist, huh, Kyle?"
Kyle,What are you doing?
Cartman,"Okay, okay. Even if there was a Jewpacabra, it wouldn't know I was the one who got video of it, huh? How could it know that? It couldn't know that, right? Kyle?"
Cartman,Jesus loves me this I know'Cause Republicans tell me soLittle ones God will protect'Cause letting kids be harmed is child neglectEverything still clear out there?
Cartman,Guys?!
Butters,"It's all quiet out front, Eric."
Cartman,"Well, check everywhere! I'm not paying you guys each twenty bucks to scratch your buttholes!"
Butters,He says he's not payin' us to scratch our buttholes.
Cartman,What? What was that? Butters? Token?!  Oh Jesus Christ! You guys?! Aghgh!  You guys?! GUYS!
Butters,"Hey, Eric."
Cartman,It's trying to get in! Where the hell are you guys?
Butters,"Well, we got scared so we're next door at Wingstreet."
Cartman,Wingstreet?!
Butters,"Yeah, well it was the closest place to hide."
Cartman,"Dude, I want wings!  Ahghgh!!!  Oh Jesus, it's only you!"
Mr. Billings,"Alright, grab him."
Cartman,HUH?!
Employee 3,"You say the Jewpacabra hunts for anything Easter, and now it's looking for you."
Cartman,Get me outta here! PLEASE! HEELP!
Mr. Billings,"Look, we're sorry. But if it's you that Jewpacabra wants, we don't have a choice."
Cartman,"OH GOD, IT'S GONNA KILL ME!  What the-?"
Mr. Billings,Just a little blood to try and draw it out. We just can't risk the creature showing up tomorrow. Our entire business is based on fun and safety.
Cartman,This isn't safe or fun!
Mr. Billings,"Maybe it won't even show up. Maybe we'll all make it out of this okay?  Oh fuck, we better get out of here."
Cartman,"NO! COME BACK! Come back please, this isn't right!"
Mr. Billings,"Hello young man. Let me start off by saying Sooper Foods is absolutely not an anti-semitic company.  But... if your people do have a monster creature that feeds on Easter children, we just wanted to let you know there is a sacrifice for it in the park that is totally fun and safe to eat. Thank you."
Cartman,"Kyle! Hey, Kyle!  I know what you're thinking, Kyle. That, like, this is some kind of fitting comeuppance."
Kyle,"Admit you're lying, and I'll let you go."
Cartman,"Oh, of course I was lying, Kyle. There's no Jewpacabra. Now, please, Kyle, it's Easter Eve! And if Jewpacabra smells this blood, I am in a heap of trouble!  No Kyle! No, wait! I'm sorry I couldn't help it! Kyle?! Please I'll give you money! I have lots of money!  Oh God, what am I doing?  I mean, I mean, I don't have any money! I'm totally broke!  Oh God, I am in a heap of trouble."
Cartman,It's so cool that even though I'm Christian I celebrate Passover too! Yup. I think both holidays are awesome.  I really sympathize with those Jews in Ancient Egypt! I really do!
Cliff,"What'dya think, Bobo?"
Bobo,No doubt about it! It's a three foot tall bunny-man!
Matt,I told you! Bunny people must be a throwback to paleotardic times! Shoot it Bobo!
Bobo,Bobo shoot it!
Cartman,"Bobo?! Bobo, no!  Wha-"
Bobo,Bobo got it! Bobo got the bunnymaaan!
Matt,"Good shot, Bobo!"
Cliff,Now what do we do?
Matt,I know. Let's go get a show about it on Animal Planet.
Cliff,Good idea.  Wait wait wait wait. We're gonna need to take the evidence.
Bobo,Alright.  I got the evidence right here. The dart gun I shot the bunnyman with.
Matt,"Alright! Come on, let's go!"
Cartman,Ugh... what... where...
Cartman,Ugh... what?  What's going on?
Man 1,The plagues! The plagues are upon us! Run!
Cartman,"It's raining frogggggsss!  Kyle! Kyle, my Hebrew friend! Did you see that it's raining frogs?"
Kyle,Yes. It's because the Pharaoh won't give the Hebrews what we want! God is angry.
Cartman,"So God makes it rain frogs? That just seems kind of mean to frogs, Kyle."
Kyle,"That's how God is! And if Pharaoh doesn't give us what we want, next he's gonna kill all Egyptian first born boys!"
Cartman,"Wha- Okay, look, I'll talk to the Pharaoh and see if he'll change his mind."
Kyle,It doesn't matter. Because God is going to harden the Pharaoh's heart!
Cartman,What does that mean?
Kyle,It means Jehovah is going to use his powers to keep the Pharaoh from letting us go.
Cartman,"Well that doesn't seem very fair, Kyle. I mean, if God is going to make Pharaoh say no, then why would he punish him for saying no?"
Kyle,That's just how God is.
Cartman,"You're wrong, Kyle! God is not a dick!"
Cartman,"Daaad, when's it gonna stop raining frogs?"
Pharaoh,"It'll be okay, my son. The weather will clear."
Cartman,"But my friend Kyle, he says that the reason we've had all these plagues and stuff because you won't let all the Jews leave."
Pharaoh,"It's a complicated political issue, my son. An economic social issue that needs time. We can't let them leave, but is it really all that different from when the north didn't let the confederate states leave the USA?"
Cartman,"Wow, that makes sense. Don't think anyone can deny that."
Pharaoh,Poor frogs. I feel so badly for them.
Cartman,"But dad, my friend Kyle says that if we don't do whatever the Hebrews want us to do, God is gonna kill little Egyptian boys."
Pharaoh,"Hah, I don't think God would do such a thing, little one. No matter what happens, we can't let ourselves believe in the Hebrew version of God. We believe in a just Lord who would never murder innocent children."
Cartman,"I love you, dad."
Pharaoh,And I love you son. And our love grows.
Cartman,And our love grows
Both,And our love growsLike the mighty river of the Nileriver of the NileSee it flowWe'll never be apart
Cartman,"Have no fear, for God is nearAnd God loves all his childrenHuh?  Nooooooo!  Kyle, why? What are you doing?"
Kyle,This is what God told us to do!
Cartman,"No, Kyle! I don't believe you!"
Kyle,You'll see!
Cartman,Noooo!
Kid 1,What's happening to us?
Cartman,Noooooo!
Child,Mom! Don't let God kill me!
Cartman,Noooo!
Man 2,Care for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?!
Cartman,No! The bread's all flat! No!  Aaaaahhhh!
Pharaoh,Son! We were wrong! I WAS WRONG!
Cartman,We were wrong! I'm sorry God I'll be Jewish I promise! Please don't kill me! Don't kill me! Doooo...!
Cartman,No! No! The bread is all flat! No!
Mr. Billings,"There are two things people think about when they are grocery shopping: Fun and Safety. On this beautiful Easter morning, we are thrilled to give back to he people of South Park who for the third year in a row have made our grocery store number...  4 in fun and number 6 in safety. Let the hunt begin."
Cartman,"I'm alive!  I'm alive, you guys.  I don't know how, but I'm alive!  Can you believe it? It's a miracle.  Listen everybody, last night I almost died. But then a Passover miracle happened. The Jewpacabra passed me over, and by the power of Jehovah I somehow woke up safely in my bed. I learnt a big lesson. It's wrong, guys. Christ didn't die for our sins and God is angry. It's time for us all to stop this Easter ridiculousness, accept Jehovah as our God and deny Christ."
Butters,"Oh, stop trying to ruin Easter, you! You heathen!"
Cartman,"Hey guys, listen!  I finally know how you feel, Kyle. Know your religion is right but being laughed at by everyone else. It's so hard for us Jews. But I guess we just have to let stupid people believe what they are gonna believe."
Kyle,Yeah.
Cartman,I-I know what you're thinking Kyle. But I really do believe in Judaism now. I'm not lying.
Kyle,"I know, you're not."
Cartman,"Kewl, thanks Kyle. Oh, and Kyle... Happy Passover!"
Kyle,"Happy Passover, Cartman."
Cartman,"Nonono, I'm tellin' you guys, music videos have devolved to nothing but pretty girls wearing skin-tight clothes, and singin' songs about their vajayjays. Used to be chicks sang about their relationships; now it's all ""my vajayjay this, my vajayjay that."" But clearly that's what sells. Think about it. When was the last time you turned on a music video and didn't see some chick strumming a guitar singing about her vajayjay?  See? You can't remember."
Butters,"Heh, h-hey fellas."
Kyle,"Where's your lunch, Butters?"
Butters,"OH.  Uh, it's okay. Um I'm not hungry anyways."
Stan,"Dude, did a bully take your lunch money again?"
Butters,...Yeah.
Stan,That's the third day in a row. You gotta tell the teacher.
Butters,"Naw, I'm not a tattle-tale."
Stan,Well then write the principal an anonymous letter.
Butters,"Naw, I'm not no Anonymous Andy."
Craig,So then just get a bigger bully to beat the bully up.
Butters,"Naw, I don't want kids calling me a Cliché Conflict Resolution Kevin."
Cartman,He has a point.
Kyle,"Well, then you gotta ride it out, Butters."
Craig,"Yeah, life sucks sometimes, but it'll pass."
Stan,I can't believe what I'm hearing!  This is why bullying is getting worse and worse at out schools! We can't all sit by and let it happen anymore!
Red,"Good for you, Stan. It's nice somebody in this school has some balls."
Cartman,I have balls.
Red,"Yeah, little squishy boba-tea balls."
Cartman,Still balls.
Kyle,"Look Butters, why don't you just talk to your family about it? You said your Grandma's visiting this week. Why don't you try talking to her?"
Butters,My Grandma?
Grammy,"Well, so then your cousin Albert, Linda, actually has two girls now. One is three and the other's about little Butters' age, I think."
Stephen,"Well, speak of the devil."
Linda,"Butters, what happened to your eye?"
Butters,"Grandma, ca-can I talk to you for a second?"
Grammy,"Well sure, you come and sit right here next to Grammy."
Butters,Could I maybe talk to Grammy alone?
Stephen,"Well, sure, I guess. We'll go make some tea."
Grammy,"Oh some tea would be lovely.  What's up?  Huh? You think you're  tough, huh?"
Butters,"I just...  don't want you to pick on me no more, Grandma."
Grammy,"Think you're fuckin' tough, huh?  You don't look fuckin' tough."
Butters,"Um, I don't think I'm tough... grandma."
Grammy,"No, you're a little faggot!  You got any more money? Huh?"
Butters,"No, you took it all!"
Grammy,"Why don't you do something about it?!  Do somethin', you little bitch! You're Grandma's bitch!"
Linda,Here we go.
Grammy,"Oh, there's the tea. Tea for me. How lucky."
Linda,And your favorite lemon bars.
Grammy,"Goodness, what a treat this is."
BB Founder,"Mr. Mackey, what is happening here at your school is no different from what is happening all over the country. Bullying has become an epidemic, I'm afraid, and we at Bully Buckers TRADEMARK are trying to stamp it out. What is your school's policy on bullying?"
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, well uh w-we think that bullyin' is... is, is bad... m'kay, and uh, and when we see bullying in the school, we tell the students, you know, that... uh that that's bad. m'kay?"
BB Founder,"Aha, well one of your students told us he thinks bullying at your school is getting worse."
Mr. Mackey,Uh who said?
BB Founder,He didn't want that disclosed.
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, he's a little Anonymous Andy?"
BB Founder,We would like to have an anti-bullying assembly with your students this afternoon.
Mr. Mackey,"Uhokay, but uh, today's actually bad. Uh I already have an assembly today on positive thinking."
BB Founder,You believe positive thinking is really what's critical in schools right now? What's wrong with you?!
Mr. Mackey,Wull I mean it kind of wo-uhuh works out.
BB Founder,"No, shut up! What kind of counselor says no to an anti-bullying campaign?! Bullying needs to be stopped! Now! This afternoon!"
Mr. Mackey,Wah-eh jus- will we he-?
BB Founder,"Wuhhh duhhh. You may only have an Internet degree, but why don't you start acting like you're a school counselor and not an uninformed backwards little dork! M'kay?!"
Mr. Mackey,Attention students: today we will have an... assembly... on the subject of... bullying. M'kay?  The assembly is mandatory. M'kay? You'd better show up. 'Kay?
Red,Butters? Your grandma's looking for you.
Butters,My grandma??
Red,She said to meet her outside behind the school.
Butters,Oh hamburgers!
Grammy,Hey twerp!  You went and narc'd on me!
Butters,HA! OH. Ah. Hi Grandma.
Grammy,"I heard somebody brought in an anti-bully counselor! Thought I wouldn't find out, you little narc?!"
Butters,"Well I didn't narc, Grandma. It wasn't me."
Grammy,"Oh look, what's this over here?  Ohoh, it's a narc puck. This is what narcs have to put in their mouths. Awww, it's got piss all over it."
Butters,"Nno Grandma, knock it off! No! Stop it!"
Grammy,Put it in your mouth! Put it in your fuckin' mouth!  Ohhh hellow.
Mr. Adler,"Oh, sorry. Uh, this door isn't supposed to be locked."
Grammy,"I'm sorry, Uh I needed the restroom and my grandson brought me to this one. Isn't that right, Butters?"
Butters,Yes...
Mr. Adler,"Butters you goofball. I'll show you to the girls' room, ma'am."
Grammy,"Oh thank you so much.  You narc again and you're fuckin' dead! Fuckin' dead, you got it?!"
Mr. Adler,"This way, ma'am"
Grammy,"Oops, I'm coming."
BB Founder,"What makes a bully?  The truth is there are more bullies at your school than you even think. And the student who lets bullying happen is just as bad as the bully himself. Come on out, Lorraine.  I asked your school mate Lorraine here to help me out.  Are you bullied in the school, Lorraine?"
Lorraine,...Yes.
Bucky Bailey,"Kids pick on you, call you names?"
Lorraine,...Sometimes.
Bucky Bailey,What kind of things do they say to you?
Lorraine,...Ugly ...neh-nerd.
Bucky Bailey,"Do they say ""Nice pants. Why do you wear them up to your tits?""?"
Lorraine,No...
Bucky Bailey,"Bullying affects everyone. And only if the entire school is united against it can bullying ever be stopped.  Go, go, get out of here.  Now what we at Bucky Bailey's Bully Busters TM like to do is get the schools to make an anti-bullying video. So who would like to be the young student director in charge of our video?  We just need one student to be the leader of our anti-bullying campaign.  What? Are you all chicken?  Nobody wants to be in charge of the anti-bullying video?"
Stan,I'll do it! I'll be in charge.
Bucky Bailey,"Ooooo, you're a big man?! You wanna show what a big man you are?!"
Stan,"No, I just... I think bullying has gotten out of hand. And it needs to be stopped."
Red,"Good for you, Stan."
Riley,He's cool.
Clyde,You wanna know who I hate?! I hate that kid Butters! He's a dork!
Jimmy,Yeh. Let's go bi- pick on him! Yeh!
Stan,"Hey guys, guys! Don't pick on Butters! That's not cool. You can't do that. Bullying? Did you know that in America, hohoh,  over 200,000 students every day are afraid to come to school because of bullying?  At South Park Elementary we're better than that. Come on. Let's all put an end to bullying. Right now! Five Six Seven Eight!"
The Kids of South Park Elementary,"Bullying isn't cool. Bullying is lame.Bullying is ugly and has a stupid name.For a healthy world, bullying's unfit.And I think I know what we should do to i-it.Do do do do do to i-it.Let's all get together and make bullying kill itself.Bullying's an ugly thingLets shove its face in the dirt and make bullying kill itself.Woah-oh. Woah-oh. Woah-oh."
Cartman,"Boy you like my body. Set the mood, let's play!You can touch me anywhere except for my vajayjay."
The Kids of South Park Elementary,We can make it stop. We can stomp it out.We can beat its ass until it starts to cry.Let's gang up on it and tell it it smellsAnd beat its ass worse if it ever te-lls.If if if it ever te-lls.Lets all join together to try to make bullying kill itself.It'll be fun to see just how bad we can make it feeland make bullying kill itself.Woah-oh. Woah-oh. Woah-oh.
Cartman,My heart says ye-es (ye-es ye-es) but my vajayjay says no-o
Butters,Trapped inside the darkness of my mind.I try to break free. The words are so unkind.
Jason,Stupid! (stupid stupid)
Pete,Ugly! (ugly ugly ugly ugly)
Kyle,Pansy.
Older Girl,Dork!
Butters,"Can I, can I not do this, please?  I don't wanna do this."
Stan,"Aw Butters, you ruined it. This is all one big long shot and you ruined it."
Butters,"Mm, but this is just gonna make things worse for me."
Stan,"Butters, you're the star of the video!"
Kyle,"He doesn't wanna do it, dude."
Stan,"Well come on, do you just wanna be bullied your whole life, Butters?  Kyle?"
Stan,"Kyle? Dude, where are you going?!"
Kyle,"Why are you doing this, Stan?"
Stan,To stop bullying.
Kyle,You're gonna stop bullying.
Stan,YES.
Kyle,With Cartman singing about his vagina.
Stan,"...It's about awareness dude. Don't you understand how important this is? Bullying? Did you know that in America, hohoh, over 200,000 students are afraid to come to school every day because of-"
Kyle,"Don't, don't act for me, Stan! Really?! Because every minute I'm watching this video become less about awareness and more about you!"
Stan,"Kyle, I'm trying to make a difference!"
Kyle,Okay. Just be careful you don't end up naked and jacking it in San Diego.
Stan,What the hell does that mean?
Grammy,Oh heavens to Betsy Linda. This is such a yummy yummy ham. I just love your cooking.
Stephen,"Our Linda certainly knows her way around a pork.  What's the matter, Butters?"
Butters,Nnothin' Dad. Jjust a little gassy.
Stephen,Oh. Well don't fart on Grandma. She's tryin' to enjoy her ham.
Butters,"Okay Dad, I won-aaaaah! Gaaaah-ow."
Stephen,I'll get it.
Grammy,"Linda, is that a new clock on the wall?"
Linda,"Oh yes. Stephen and I got that last month. It's from Germany, I believe.  I just love the cute little canarian on the dial. And, every hour it chimes."
Stephen,"Your friends wanted to see you, Butters."
Stan,"Dude, Butters! We have awesome news! A Hollywood movie company is gonna buy our bullying video!"
Grammy,"Oh, an anti-bullying video? How adorable."
Stan,"Yeah, and Butters is the star! The movie company wants to do a photo shoot with him so we can make movie posters!"
Butters,HAAAAA!
Stan,"I know, right?!"
Bucky Bailey,Whassup?!
Stan,"Oh, hey."
Bucky Bailey,You went and made a video and sold it without lettin' me know.
Stan,Huh?
Bucky Bailey,"Doin' a video was my idea! It's the property of Bucky Bailey's Bully Buckers TM, you got that?!"
Stan,"But I worked hard on that! It's, it's been really stressful and I-"
Bucky Bailey,"Oh, it's been stwessful?!  What's wrong with you?! Kids are getting bullied at school and with this money, Bucky Bailey's Bully Buckers ™ can finally become the legit organization it deserves to be! You greedy, selfish, little PRICK!  Oh what? You gonna kwy?"
Stan,No.
Bucky Bailey,"No, go ahead, kwy. Let me see ya.  Let me see you kwy."
Butters,"We don't have a choice, Butters. You have to defend yourself!  Oh, but violence is never the answer.  But she's gonna kill you, Butters! You know she is!  You're right, Butters! I don't have a choice!  Sorry, Grandma, but you brought this on yourself!  It's time you met... Chaos!  I've been pushed around for the last time!  Now I'm coming! And heck's coming with me!"
Grammy,"Oh, look, it's Captain Pussy!  You can't stop me, Captain Pussy! Don't even try!"
Professor Chaos,Grandma? but how di-
Grammy,"I got inspired when I came across your gay little costume in your closet.  Now come on, Captain Pussy! Time for you to get your Gummi bears!"
Professor Chaos,"No! Grandma please, nnnot Gummi bears!"
Grammy,Come 'ere!
Professor Chaos,Ahh! Grandma!
Grammy,Stand up for yourself! Fight back! Be a fucking man!
Professor Chaos,I can't.
Grammy,Then it looks like you get... Gummi bears!  Gummy bears!
Professor Chaos,Awww! Eewww!
Nick Jabs,"What's up? I'm Nick Jabs, president of the movie company that bought the bully video."
Bailey,Oh what? Stan Marsh got you to come talk to me?! That little cliché conflict resolution Kevin!
Jabs,"The video was conceived, written, and directed by the South Park student body, you got that?!"
Bailey,It was my idea. I told the students to make the video and I-and I produced the entire thing! I deserve to have my name on it!
Jabs,"Yeah, only problem is America doesn't give a SHIT about an old fart with a Captain Kangaroo haircut! They wanna believe kids did something on their own.  Here's a cease and desist letter from our lawyers. If you ever claim any authorship of the video again, we will sue you for everything you have!"
Bailey,But... but this was gonna be the thing that finally made Bully Buckers™ a national organization.
Jabs,"Oh, you gonna kwy?! Oh don't kwy, you'll look bad with your wittle Captain Kangaroo haircut!"
Cartman,"'Kay kewl, hold it right there. Kewl."
Kyle,"Excuse me, what are you doing to my locker?!"
Cartman,"We're putting up movie posters, Kyle! The premiere is tomorrow! But since you walked out on the video, you don't get to come!"
Kyle,I don't wanna go to your stupid movie premiere!  And don't tape that to my locker!  Oh God.
Stan,"What's up, Kyle? Why are you trying to trash-talk our theatrical release?"
Kyle,Do you really think that this is good for Butters? To have his face put up all over signs as the poster child for bullying?
Stan,"Butters is totally fine with it, dude."
Kyle,Yeah? Well Butters is ten! He doesn't exactly know what's best for him and neither do you!
Stan,"Alright Kyle, that's enough! I'm not gonna be bullied by you, okay?!"
Kyle,What?! You were waiting for me in the bathroom!
Stan,Oh yeah.
Kyle,"Look, this is all getting way too big! Tell the movie studio you aren't selling the video to them."
Stan,"This video can change how people think about bullying! It needs to be seen by everybody, Kyle!"
Kyle,"If it needs to be seen by everybody, then why don't you put it out on the Internet for free?!  Well?!"
Stan,"...What, what was the question again?"
Kyle,"If you really think every kid in America should see your anti-bullying movie, then why don't you put it on the Internet for free?!"
Stan,"...Get, get out of here, Kyle! I'm trying to go to the bathroom!"
Kyle,"Fine! But when you're naked and jackin' it in San Diego, don't ask me for help!"
Stan,Why does he keep saying that?
Dr. Oz,"We all know that bullying has become an epidemic. Like AIDS, bullying is escalating and is spread mostly by penises. But now a few school kids are trying to make a difference with a video to make bullying kill itself.  I'm joined by the film's director as well as the weak little boy who's the main subject of the film. Stan, congratulations on all your success."
Stan,"Well, I just got tired of seeing people like Butters getting pushed around, and I knew I had to do somethin' about it."
Dr. Oz,And how about you? What would you like to say to your bully out there?
Butters,"Oh uh, nothin'."
Dr. Oz,"Come on, this is for everyone who's been a victim. What do you wanna say to bullies all across America? Go ahead.  Right now. Say it."
Butters,Uh stop... Stop trying to make me say things I don't want to on your TV show.
Dr. Oz,"Do you hear that, bullies? Stop making kids say things on your TV shows!  What else do you wanna say, Butters?"
Butters,"Please, leave me alone."
Dr. Oz,"Leave him alone! But that doesn't work, does it Butters?"
Butters,No it doesn't.
Dr. Oz,Tell us in graphic detail what the bully does to you?!
Butters,Stop it!
Dr. Oz,"Come on, this is for America!  Do you realize that in America, ohohoh, over 200,000 students are afraid to go to school because of bullying?!  Don't you care?! You'd better care!"
Mr. Jabs,What the hell were you thinking?! Everyone just saw that the bully victim in your movie is actually a violent psychopath!
Stan,I didn't know.
Mr. Jabs,"This could kill our box office. People are gonna come after us now, saying we didn't check our facts!"
Stan,I didn't beat up Dr. Oz! Don't be mad at me!
Mr. Jabs,"It's your fuckin' movie! Now I'm gonna have to work overtime with Marketing to make sure people still sympathize with our victim! Jesus, just get the fuck out of here! I've gotta go to the bathroom!  Uh oh."
Jesus,"My child,  have you ever heard of a place called Hell? It's eternal fire, and it's gonna hurt real bad."
Mr. Jabs,Uh...
Jesus,"Oh, what are you gonna do? Kwy now?"
Butters,"Grandma? I did it, Grandma.  I finally stood up for myself. I got real mean and I beat the shnozz our of Dr. Oz.  I can't lie, it felt kind of good.  At first. But since then all I have is just... a kind of dark, empty feeling. Then I realized... that's how you must feel. All the time.  Poor old Grandma. You know, I've I've been gettin' lots of advice how to deal with you. Stand up to you, tell on you... But I kind of realize there's just people like you out there. All over the place. When you're a kid, things seem like they're gonna last forever. But they're not. Life changes. Why you won't always be around. Someday you're gonna die.  Someday pretty soon.  And when you're layin' in that hospital bed, with tubes up your nose, and that little pan under your butt to pee in, well I'll come visit ya. I'll come just to show you that, that I'm still alive and I'm still happy. And you'll die. Bein' nothin' but you.  'Night Grandma."
Stan,"Huh? Aw, come on!  Dude, what's going on?"
Clyde,"You didn't hear?! Now that America knows Butters was actually a violent psychopath, they're saying you made a bullcrap bullying video!"
Stan,Wha? What's the movie studio saying about it?
Cartman,The studio backed out! The producer had a change of heart! BOOOOO!
Red,You made us look like uncaring idiots!
Craig,Yeah. Boooo!
Stan,How was I supposed to know Butters was actually a violent psychopath?
Timmy,Boooo!
Stan,Everyone loved me sixteen hours ago.
Mr. Mackey,"Stan? Stan, okay, ABC called and Dr. Oz is suing you and our entire school! What are you gonna do?!"
Stan,"I guess, there's only one thing left for me to do."
Singer (background singers),"Baaam badam baaam baaadam. Baaam badam bamBaaam badam baaam baaadam. Baaam badam bamI'm gonna jack it where the sun always shines. (He's gonna jack it)Been spreadin' the word and now I need to ease my mind. (Jackin' it)(Ohhhh...) Been plantin' them apple seeds and while the apples grow,I'm gonna go out jackin' it in San Diego! (Jackin' it, jackin' it, jackin' it jackSmackin' it, jackin' it, smackin' it smack)I don't need no shirt, no, gonna take 'dem pants right off (he's about to jack it)On such a bright day who needs underwear or socks? (Jackin' jack it)(Ohhhh...) Been around God's country, and there's one thing I know. There's no better place for jackin' it than San Diego!(Jack it, jack it, jackin' it jackSmackin' it, smackin' it, smackin' it smackJackin' it, jackin' it, jackin' it jack Jackin' it, smackin' it, smackin' it smack) Jackin' for the Loooord!"
Jerry Sanders,"Come to San Diego. There's so much to see.  From the sparkling waters of Mission Bay to the warm tortillas of Old Town. And after a day of sight-seeing, why not try spankin' it in one of our charming city streets? San Diego. Come, take a load off."
Singer (background singers),"(Jackin' it, jackin' it, jackin' it jackSpankin' it, spankin' it, smackin' it smackA whackin' it, whackin' it, whackin' it whackSmackin' it, jerkin' it, smackin' it smack)The cars are passin' me by, they're honkin', say hello."
Passenger,Hey that guy's jackin' it!
Singer (background singers),"From his window there's a guy shootin' video. (Video of him jackin' it)And if the good Lord Jesus comes knockin' on my door,Just tell him that I'm jackin' it in San Diego. (Jackin' it, jackin' it, jackin' it jackSpankin' it, spankin' it, smackin' it smack (he's about to jack it)Whack it jack it whack it jack it whackin' it jackWhack it whack it smack whack whackin' it whack)"
Stan,Kyle!
Narrator,Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell.
Kyle,AAAAAAAH! I can't take it!
Cartman,Somebody help us!
Narrator,Trapped in an unforgiving mountain wilderness with no way out.  The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.
Kyle,We were stuck. We were completely stuck.
Cartman,"Kyle, hurry!"
Stan,"Kyle, wake up! You've gotta wake up, Kyle!"
Narrator,"For four elementary school boys. an ordinary day becomes a descent into madness on tonight's episode of ""I Should Have Never Gone Ziplining""."
Cartman,Oh God!
Stan,No!
Stan,Help! We're trapped!  We've gotta get out of here!
Narrator,"It's the last day of Spring break,  and all over the small mountain town of South Park,  students are trying to have as much fun as possible.  For ten year old Stan Marsh and his friends Kyle, Eric, and Kenny, the last day has come too soon."
Stan,"We really had spent the whole spring break watching TV and playing Xbox, you know, so, we, we wanted to go out and do something really adventurous."
Kyle,We could go to the city pool. They have a water slide
Cartman,"Noo nono, I'm not getting in a pool with Kenny. He has herpes."
Kenny,(What?!)
Cartman,"Look at his lip.  You've got herpes, dude."
Kenny,"(This is not herpes, it's a cold sore!)"
Cartman,"No- cold sore is what girls call it, Kenny. It's actually herpes."
Stan,"Come on guys, the day is wasting away. What would be something really cool we could do?"
Kyle,"And then like, out of nowhere, somebody came up with the idea of ziplining."
Cartman,"Hey yeah, ziplining! That could be really cool!"
Kyle,We've definitely not done that before!
Stan,I think there's a place just outside of town. I'll see if my uncle Jimbo will drop us off.
Kyle,Cool! Ziplining.
Cartman,Ziplining. Hell yeah.
Narrator,"Within thirty minutes, the boys are getting a ride to the ziplining outfitters from Stan's uncle Jimbo."
Cartman,"We were in a good mood, just jokin' around, you know, mostly making fun of Kenny's herpes."
Cartman,"Hey Kenny! You got herpes, dude! Ah I almost touched him.  Zi-  Oh, sick Kenny! No! Gross."
Kenny,"(Dude, it's just a fever blister!)"
Cartman,"Heh, did you hear that guys? Kenny said it's just a fever blister.  You sound like a chick, Kenny. That's herpes, dude. You got that shit till you die."
Narrator,It's the idyllic spring break getaway with friends and laughter.
Clerk,"Hey, you guys here for the 2 o'clock zipline tour?"
Stan,Yeah.
Clerk,"All right, let me get you some helmet and some gear and we'll get up there and hit that fresh nar nar."
Kyle,"And so they put us in these harnesses and helmets. I th-I think that's when we started realizing, ""Oh wow, this is actually pretty dangerous."""
Clerk,"All right, you guys look ready to zipline!"
Cartman,Alright!
Clerk,"Okay, just follow me over to the waiting room and we'll have you take a seat with the others."
Stan,"And we were like, ""Other? We have to do this with other people?"""
Woman 1,Hi there.
Man 1,Hello.
Woman 2,Hi
Narrator,"The boys have just made a sobering discovery.  For ten year old Stan Marsh, the realization that he will be with a tour group has caused his adrenal glands to slow down.  The average human acts a certain way when surrounded by friends and family.  But, in a tour group, the brain has to work overtime, acting nice and pretending to care about people on the tour."
Woman 2,"Hey, how are you?"
Stan,Good. How are you?
Kyle,"So then we sit there for like, thirty minutes, because we had to wait for this couple who was running late."
Clerk,"Alright, our last zipliners are here."
Man 2,"Sorry we made you wait, everybody."
Narrator,"Inside Kyle's mouth, the muscles contract to force a smile, even though in his brain, Kyle is thinking, ""Dude, fuck you!"""
Kyle,We don't mind.
Cartman,"Now everyone was there. We thought things would start getting fun, but... that's when we had to watch the safety video."
Clerk,Welcome to Backcountry Adventures! Well hey there Michael!
Michael,Hey there Michael.
Stan,"It was... I don't know, ten, maybe fifteen minutes of pure hell."
Michael,"Oh, and don't forget... to take in the nar. Back to you, Michael."
Michael,Thanks Michael.  Anybody have any questions?
Cartman,...No.
Man 2,I have a question: Can we review the best ways to hold a rope again?
Stan,"""Really? You're gonna make us all listen to it again 'cause you couldn't understand? Really?"""
Michael,Let's get out there and get zippin'!
Kyle,Jesus Christ!
Cartman,Finally!
Narrator,"The boys think their ordeal is over, but what they don't realize is that things are about to go from bad to worse."
Michael,Here we go guys! Zipliniiin'!
Guide 1,Everyone just step on in the shuttle.
Stan,...Shuttle?
Kyle,"How, how long do we have to take the shuttle?"
Michael,It's about forty-five minutes.
Narrator,"It's a devastating blow. For Kyle, it's almost too much to bear.  His brain is already lacking excitement, and now just the word ""shuttle"" makes Kyle's brain fire neurons  that bring up memories of just how lame shuttles can be."
Cartman,"Well, come on, we don't have a choice."
Michael,"Alright guys, should be about forty five minutes to the freshest nar nar. Why don't we go around the van and get to know each other a little bit?"
Stan,Uh that's okay.
Man 3,"Well my name's Pete Nichols and this is my wife Donna, and uh... make a long story short, we came out here to see our relatives who live down in Moab. They uhhh been livin' there about twenty years now, and uh, long story short, they told us that as long as we were in the Rockies we should try ziplining, so, long story short, we looked around in the newspapers and on the Internet and... on billboooards, and... you know, make a long story short, we found this company and thought we'd give 'er a try, so then we called and, we made a reservation, and that's when, you know, long story short, we just thought-"
Narrator,"It's almost three o'clock, and the boys are still on the shuttle."
Michael,We're gettin' close. Are you guys gettin' psyched?!
Adults,Wooo!
Narrator,"But what the boys don't realize is that a massie storm is brewing.  Last night, Eric Cartman had kung pao spaghetti from California Pizza Kitchen.  Inside Eric's stomach, the kung pao has just met with the Del Taco he ate for breakfast. It has already started to tear down the layers of barbeque BK toppers that have been building up for months.  And now, to compensate for all the annoying tourists, Eric is ingesting massive amounts of Mountain Dew.  The caffeine and sugar turn the soupy fast-food liquid in his stomach into a toxic gas.  When the gas is released, it carries with it tiny particles of Eric's fecal matter.  Fecal matter which floats up and into Kyle's nasal passage."
Kyle,"Dude, did you fart?!"
Cartman,"Mmmm, no?"
Michael,"Alright buys, we're here!"
Stan,Thank God.
Michael,"Alright, here we are. Looks like we got some good nar to zipline through today. Uh, but before we climb up and start ziplining, does anyone care to know about these trees' biology?"
Cartman,The trees' biology?
Michael,"We are running a little late, but if anyone really wants to know, we could take a few minutes."
Stan,I think we're good.
Man 2,I'd like to know about the biology of the trees.
Michael,"Okay, well, this is a Ponderosa pine. It covers a more extensive area than other Ameri-"
Stan,"So after Asshole gets his biology lesson, we finally get to go ziplining!"
Michael,"Alright, remember to keep your clear of the cable and just let your equipment do the work.  Now, when you're about halfway down the zipline, the camera's gonna take your picture, so when I call out ""Shockabra!"", look up and give the camera a nice ""shockabra"" . Alright, you ready?"
Cartman,Yeah.
Michael,Ready to do some ZIPPIN'?
Cartman,Yeah.
Michael,"Alright, let's hear you say ""Zipliiine!"""
Cartman,Zipliiine.
Michael,Shockabra!
Guide 1,"Woohoo! Alright, nice zip!"
Kyle,"Well? How was it, Cartman?"
Cartman,"Totally fuckin' stupid, dude!"
Stan,"Oh, really??"
Cartman,"Yeah dude, it's fuckin' boring as shit!"
Michael,"Alright Kyle, give me a ""Zipliiine!"""
Kyle,Zipline.
Michael,Shockabra!
Kyle,"It was like having the life sucked out of you. That' all it is, sliding down a cable. Maybe without a tour group it'd be ...kind of fun. Maybe. But, this was just... a complete disaster."
Narrator,"After a grueling twenty minutes, waiting for everyone else to ride the zipline, the boys relaize they have just wasted hours of their time. And that, is when the unthinkable happens."
Michael,"Alright guys, let's get movin'! Only ten minutes till our next zipliiine!"
Cartman,"""The next zipline? What are you talking about?"""
Kyle,"E-excuse me, w-we aren't going back now? Aren't we done?"
Michael,This is Zipline Tours. We got sixteen more to go.
Stan,And it was like WHAM.
Kyle,STOP!
Cartman,NOOOO!
Guide,Everyone back in the shuttle!
"Kyle, Cartman",NOOOO!
Narrator,The boys realize that their ziplining nightmare has only just begun.
Guide,Anyone have any questions about the creek we're about to cross?
Man 2,Yes.
Boys,AAAA!
Adults,"""Ack"" went the little frog one day. ""Ack"" went the little green frog..."
Cartman,AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Michael,Let 'er rip!
Man 4,Zipliiine!
Narrator,Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell.
Michael,"Next zipline's up here, we call it the Terminator."
Kyle,Wugh!
Narrator,Trapped in an unforgiving mountain wilderness with a tour group.
Pete,"But, you know, to make a long story short, I woke up this morning and-"
Man 2,Could you get another picture of us?
Kyle,AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Narrator,The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.
Cartman,I'm so fucking bored!
Michael,"Alright, you going next, Ricky?"
The Boys,Help! Somebody! Help us!
Kyle,It's no use. There's nobody around for miles.
Stan,There could be a helicopter. Maybe one will fly overhead.
Kyle,Face it Stan! Nobody's coming for us!
Zipliner,Zipline!
Adults,Woohoo!
Cartman,"We should have never listened to you, Kyle."
Kyle,Me?!
Cartman,"Yeah you! In the park this morning?! ""I know, let's all go ziplining! We've never done that before!"""
Kyle,"Oh no, don't try to pin this on me! You're the one who brought it up!"
Cartman,I brought it up because you already brought it up!
Stan,That's when I realized nobody remembered. Nobody remembered it was me who came up with the idea to go ziplining. Me.
Kyle,You fat piece of shit!
Cartman,Fuck you Kyle!
Stan,"Guys, guys, does it really matter whose idea it was?!"
"Cartman, Kyle",Yes!
Stan,"Alright, look, we can make it, you guys. We can't panic. If the four of us don't zipline the tour will move faster. We are gonna make it out of here, okay?"
Narrator,"But what the boys don't realize is that Eric's body is already shutting down from stage 4 diarrhea.  Inside his stomach, bile has just dislodged an Arby's Ultimate Angus. In the average human, this would only cause mild diarrhea.  But Eric Cartman is now drinking Double Dew, a Mountain Dew product with twice the sugar and caffeine of regular Mountain Dew.  His rancid feces is now rapidly converting to a thick paste.  The diarrhea shoots out of Eric's anus and into his underwear.  Eric Cartman is a ticking time bomb."
Kyle,DUDE! Did you just shit your pants?!
Cartman,Nnnn-mo...
Stan,"So, I just tried to keep the tour group moving, as fast as possible."
Michael,"All right guys, this is where we're going to break for lunch."
Guide,"Come in by the waterfall, gang!"
Stan,"Oh no, could, could we skip lunch and keep going?"
Man 2,Skip a free lunch? Not me!
Guide,Wo wants sandwiches?  We got ...turkey.  Ham.  Turkey ham.
Pete,"Long story short, we picked up our bags and went to our hotel."
Cartman,"Oogh! Ugh! You guys, seriously! Something's wrong in my tummy!"
Kyle,"The stop drinking Double Dew, fatass!"
Cartman,"This is Diet Double Dew Kyle! It only has half the caffeine and sugar of Double Dew.  Oh man, you guys, I gotta get to a bathroom fast."
Kyle,You're in a forest! Go take a crap!
Cartman,"If I crap in the woods, the blood will attract beavers, Kyle!"
Stan,"Hey ah, I'm so sorry, but we have an emergency. Our friend is really really sick."
Michael,"Oh, you mean the little kid with the herpes?"
Stan,...Yyyeah.
Guide,"That's not herpes, it's a cold sore."
Michael,"Right, sorry."
Stan,"Yeah, his, his cold sore is really bad, and uhh he's losing blood, so we've gotta go."
Michael,"Jesus, sorry dude, but we're at the summit. The only way down is to zip down."
Some adults,Zipline! Wooo!
Guide,What about the stables?
Michael,"Oh yeah, the stables. There's, there's a ranch right past that hill that rents out horses. I, I bet they can get you back."
Kyle,"Suddenly, Stan says he knows about some horse stables. Ih it seemed too good to be true."
Rancher,"Now let me get this straight: You want four horses, one for each of ya?"
Stan,"Yea, please!"
Rancher,Well I think we can set ya up.
Kyle,"Oh, thank God!"
Stan,You see guys? This is gonna be sweet after all.
Rancher,"Step right out here, we'll get you going.  Got four more for you, Duncan."
Cartman,NOOO!
Narrator,Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell.
Kyle,AAAAH!
Cartman,Eeeeugh.
Narrator,Trapped in a tour group on horsback that is only allowed to travel four miles an hour.
Kyle,Can we please go faster?!
Kenny,(I can't take it!)
Duncan,We got some lunch set up for ya up ahead. Some turkey sandwiches and Diet Double Dew.
Kyle,AAAAAAAAAAH!
Cartman,Uh oh.
Rider 1,"So anyway, long story short, I was born in 1953 at six in the morning."
Narrator,"An attempt to make a bad day better becomes a descent into madness on... ""I Should Have Never Thought Horseback Riding Would Be Any Better Than Ziplining"""
Duncan,This here waterfall is called Heartbreak Falls. Would you all like to know why it's called Heartbreak Falls?
Rider 2,Well I certainly would!
Stan,"Kyle. Kyle? Kyle, come on, wake up!"
Kyle,Just go. Go without me.
Stan,"No, we're not leaving you here, Kyle!"
Kyle,"I can't take it anymore.  Why do people say ""long story short""? They're not making it short, Stan."
Stan,"I just sat there, watching Kyle die and... I wanted to tell him the truth right then and there. But then this... fire rose up inside of me, I... I thought ""I can find us a way out!"" I ran off and went searching for, I don't know how long. Twelve minutes? And that's when I found it."
Stan,"You guys, you guys! Get up! Listen to me! There's a lake a hundred yards down that way! They've got a marina with boats just sitting there!"
Cartman,A marina?
Stan,"We can take a boat, you guys! We can probably take it all the way back to Fairplay!"
Kyle,What's the point?
Stan,Come on you guys! A boat all to ourselves? It'll be fun! What could possibly go wrong?!
Narrator,Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell.  Trapped on a 42-foot powerboat  which is only allowed to go five miles an hour.
Kyle,Because we keep getting screwed over by your diarrhea!
Cartman,"Well it's not my diarrhea's fault that you took us all ziplining, you fuckin' Jew!"
Kyle,"Ziplining was your idea, you fatass!"
Narrator,The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.
Cartman,"Kenny, whose idea was it to go ziplining? Mine, or Kyle's?"
Kenny,I don't know. I really don't give a shit.
Narrator,"For four elementary school boys, an alrady tragic day becomes a descent into madness on... ""I Should Have Never Got On A Goddamn Boat"""
Kyle,Oh no.  You're not stinking up the entire boat! You're taking a crap off the side into the water!
Kenny,Beavers!
Narrator,"After cleaning Cartman's diarrhea and fighting off beavers, the boys have made a terrifying discovery: that boating is just as boring as ziplining."
Stan,The boat went really slow and it just went round and round.
Cartman,WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Narrator,"If the boys fall asleep now, from the lack of excitement, they could die."
Kyle,Here!  Everyone drink some Mountain Dew!
Kyle,"I don't know, I-I just thought if we all drank the Mountain Dew, the caffeine and the sugar would help us stay awake. I told Cartman he has to share it."
Cartman,I'm not sharing with Kenny. He has herpes!
Kenny,"Hey.  Fuck you, Cartman."
Narrator,Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell.  And just when it seems it can't get any worse...
Stan,...Kenny? Kenny!
Narrator,Kenny McCormick has died of boredom.
Kyle,"Oh my God, they killed Kenny! YOU BASTARDS!"
Cartman,"No, not they, YOU! Look what your ziplining idea has done! You killed Kenny, YOU're the bastard!"
Kyle,"IT WASN'T MY IDEA, IT WAS YOURS! YOU KILLED KENNY, YOU BASTARD!"
Stan,"And finally, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I said ""Stop it!"""
Stan,Stop it! It was me! My idea.
Cartman,You?!
Stan,"Four days ago, I came across a brochure for ziplining.  I thought it would be fun. I only acted like it was an idea we all came up with together."
Kyle,"So you intended for us to go ziplining all along? Why, Stan?!"
Stan,"If you signed up three friends, you got a free iPod Nano."
Kyle,You sold us out?! For an iPod Nano?!
Stan,I had no idea ziplining would be so boring.
Cartman,You... You killed Kenny!
Kyle,"You BAStard! You BAStard, Stan!"
Kyle,"How many iPod Nanos is friendship worth? I guess, one."
Stan,"The hardest part about it is knowing you can't take it back.  I mean, it was the fifth-generation Nano, so I can't trade it in anywhere."
Narrator,"But then, miraculously, the boys' prayers are finally answered."
Cartman,It was a miracle. He came to save us and take us back home.
Cartman,You came for us!
Kyle,Mr. Hankey!
Stan,Thank you.  Mr. Hankey.
Mr. Hankey,"Howdy ho, boys? Let's get you back home."
Cartman,We were saved. It was over.
Narrator,"After nearly four hours in the Colorado wilderness, the boys are finally going home. From the boat, the boys were airlifted aboard Mr. Hankey's magical helicrapter.  In the four hours since they had left home, the boys had traveled so far that Mr. Hankey then had to fly them on his Seven Turdy Seven.  From there, it was only an hour ride back home on the Poochoo Express.  Four friends, turn apart by tragedy , would now start the long journey back to forgiveness. Kenny McCormick's remains were finally brought home to his parents.  And the boys received treatment for their herpes."
Cartman,"No, I didn't get herpes, I just had a cold sore."
Narrator,"Kyle Broflovski spent twenty seven days in the hospital having fecal matter removed from his nasal passages. Stan Marsh dedicated himself to raising awareness about the boredom risks of ziplining.  His awareness videos became so popular that Stan once again ended up jacking it in San Diego. As for Eric Cartman,  he refused to let the tragedy stop him from doing what he loves most. In just two weeks, he was back to drinking Diet Double Dew, defiant to dew the math."
Cartman,"It's diet, dude. Diet soda doesn't give you diarrhea."
Butters,"Fellas! Fellas! Fellas!  AAAAH, Fellas!"
Stan,What?
Butters,Guess what Larry Barsky just told me?!
Cartman,What?
Butters,Guess!
Kyle,"Just tell us, Butters."
Butters,There's a new girl that started school here today. And she's joined the cheerleading squad.
Craig,"Oh, we have a new cheerleader?"
Clyde,What's she look like?
Kenny,"(Yeah, what's her name?)"
Cartman,"Alright guys, alright! If there is a new girl at our school, we're not gonna start putting claims on her and getting into big fights! It's gonna be her choice who she likes the most."
Butters,"Theh theh, there she is."
Cartman,"Oh my God. Token, aren't you stoked?  Aww, that's awesome, Token. I'm happy for you."
Token,Why?! Why are you happy for me?!
Cartman,"Dude, I'm being seriously. You guys will be really cute together. What are you gonna say to her?"
Token,Nothing!
Cartman,"What the? ...Oh, Token's shy. Oh my God, that is adorable."
Mr. Garrison,"And so what we start to see now is a pattern in world history much like the Greeks and the Romans. Remember that there were seven families fighting for control of the land of Westeroth. The king of Westeroth was who? Robert Baratheon , and he asked Eddard, also known as, of course, Lord Stark, to serve as hand of the king. You remember that Lord Stark accepted, or course. The queen's family - that's the Lannisters - were really trying back then to take control, weren't they? But where were the Targaryens at this time? Well, they were across the sea. We all talked about how they were also trying to take the throne. So we've got the Greeks, the Romans, the Starks, Lannisters, Baratheons, Targaryens, all headed for a big blowout right in Season 2. Now, what I really wanted to get into today is what was going on in the north, because that's just a whole other mess-"
Cartman,"Dude... Token!  Token. Dude.  Psst. Token.  Go ahead. Go ahead dude. Token! Yeah, get in there."
Kyle,Will you shut the hell up?!
Cartman,...Token. Do you want me to pass her a jelly bean?
Token,No!
Cartman,Huh?
Token,NO.
Mr. Garrison,"Token, is there a problem?"
Cartman,"Ah he's just a little sick, Mr. Garrison. He's got boneritis.  Right guys?"
Mr. Garrison,"Everyone pay attention!  Now, what I really wanna get into today is what was going on in the north, because that's just a whole other mess that's pretty hard to keep straight, isn't it? The Night's Watch-"
Cartman,"Token.  Dude, dude. Dude."
Red,"So then Kelly I guess told Stacey that she wasn't invited, so now Stacey's pissed at us."
Cartman,"Hey, guys? Can I talk to you?"
Bebe,Why?!
Cartman,"Just, could I talk to you, real quick?  What kind of stuff is the new girl saying about Token?"
Red,About Token? Why?
Cartman,"Well, Token's really shy, so, I'm just here, sort of on his behalf 'cause, you know."
Bebe,Token likes Nichole?
Cartman,"W-yeah, of course."
Red,"Oh yeah, I don't think she has any idea."
Cartman,"Yeah, so, could you guys just let her know that, you know, she might have to make the first move?"
Bebe,Okay.
Cartman,"Thanks, you guys."
Lola,"One two three four, sorry Bebe."
Bebe,"Oh, that's okay.  So, Nichole, guess what? One of the boys here already has a crush on you."
"Lola, Jenny, Red, and Wendy",Ohhh.
Nichole,"Oh my God, who?"
Red,That boy Token.
Wendy,"Oh he's really nice, Nichole. I dated him for a little while."
Nichole,"Oh gee, thanks you guys, but to be totally honest, I kinda think this other boy is cute."
Bebe,Who? Whowhowhowho?
Nichole,"That kid, with the orange coat and the greet hat?"
Wendy,"Oh, you mean Kyle?"
Nichole,Yeah.
The Girls,"Oooo, Kyle."
Cartman,WHAT?! KYLE?!
Bebe,Nichole loves Kyle! Nichole and Kyle sittin' in a tree.
The Girls,K I S S O M G!
Nichole,"Haha, shut up you guys! It's just a crush."
Cartman,Motherfucker!
The Girls,"We are Cows, proud and true! Count on South Park, moo moo moo! Goooo Cows!"
Cartman,"Hey, ah, Nichole, right?"
Nichole,Yeah.
Cartman,"Can I talk to you for a second, just for a second, right over here?  Listen uh, I heard through the grapevine that you've got a thing for Kyle?"
Nichole,"Oh no, who told you that?"
Cartman,"Just, the grapevine. Um, there's something you should probably know.  Oh man this is hard. Um, the thing is, me and Kyle are kind of, you know, ...together?"
Nichole,Ohhh.
Cartman,"Yeah, he's my man. I'm more out than Kyle is, but... it's tough, because he acts like we're not a couple at school because he's embarrassed, but... we get home and he's the best boyfriend I've ever had."
Nichole,"Wow, ah I'm sorry. I totally respect that.  Hey, thanks a lot for telling me."
Cartman,"Cool, just, you know, don't touch me 'cause I'm not into girls, so it kind of grosses me out."
Nichole,"Oh, I'm sorry."
Cartman,"Yeah, kewl. Anyway, thanks a lot and just, you know, stay away from my man, bitch."
Nichole,"Hey, uh, I just wanna let you know, if you ever need somebody to talk to, I'm here."
Kyle,"Oh, thanks.  Dude, that new girl's into me!"
Cartman,"Psst Butters. Butters!  At the end of PE class, tell Nichole that the gym teacher wants some towels delivered to the boys' locker room."
Butters,How come?
Cartman,"Let's just say that by this time tomorrow, Token and Nichole are gonna be practically married."
Butters,"Are you sure, Eric? I mean, maybe they just aren't meant for each other."
Cartman,"No no.  Love is like taking a dump, Butters. Sometimes it works itself out, but sometimes, you've gotta give it a nice hard slimy push."
Butters,"Oh hey, Nichole? Coach wants you to take these to the boys' locker room."
Nichole,"Oh, he does?  Okay."
Cartman,"Guys! Guys, get outside! It's the Bat-Mobile! Bat-Mobile, you guys!"
Craig,Where?
Jimmy,Ah I don't see a b- b- Bat-Mobile.
Nichole,Hello??
Token,AAA!
Nichole,OH! Oh gosh I'm so sorry!
Token,Where is everybody? What's goin' on??
Nichole,Coach wanted me to...  I'm sorry.
Kyle,"Hey guys. Guys! Hold up.  Hey uhm, you're kind of friends with that Nichole girl, right?"
Jenny,Yyeah.
Kyle,Well... what kind of stuff does she like? Do you know?
Lola,"She likes... movies, cats."
Jenny,She likes basketball.
Kyle,"Ogh. Oh cool, she likes basketball? That's perfect! Thanks, you guys!"
Lola,"Well- Hey Kyle,  we were headed over to the mall. You wanna go with us?"
Kyle,"Oh. Uh, can't right now, but maybe another time. See ya!"
Jenny,Guess he has a crush on Nichole.
Lola,I don't think so. I heard Kyle swings for the same team.
Jenny,Really?
Kyle,"It's perfect! I could take her to a basketball game.  Man I I don't know what's happenin', but... it seems like all the girls are... kind of into me lately."
Token,Hey! In here!
Nichole,You think the janitors are still here?
Token,"Don't worry. It's gonna be okay. We've got water, and, and maybe somebody even left some food laying around. Come on."
Nichole,Look!  Somebody left a deli platter.  And board games. And massage oil.
Token,Oh... Good.
Nichole,Well that was sure an interesting night.
Token,It sure was.
Nichole,"Hey, thanks a lot for making me feel safe in there. That could have been reeeally scary."
Token,"Yeah. Now that it's over, I.. I guess it was kind of fun."
Nichole,"Yeahh, it kind of was. Maybe... uh I don't know. Maybe we should get some lunch tomorrow."
Cartman,"Oh my God, this is sooo cute."
Token,I'd like that.
Nichole,Cool. Well... thanks again.
Cartman,Ohhhhh my God.
Cupid Me,"We did it, Eric. We found in each other a ray of sunshine."
Cartman,"You're my ray of sunshine, Cupid Me."
Cupid Me,Teeheeheehee.
Cartman,"I see the questions in your eyes.I know what's weighing on your mind.You can be sure I know, my heart.Girl I'll stand beside you through the yearsYou'll only cry those happy tearsAnd though I make mistakes, I'll never break your heartI swear by the moon and the stars in the skyI'll be thereI swear (I swear) like a shadow that's by your side (Keep it down, girl)I'll be thereFor better or worse (better or worse), till death do us part (death do us part)I'll love you with every black beat of my heartAnd I swear. I swear. I s-we-e-e-ear Yeah, I swear. Straight up. What it do?"
Cartman,"Did you see that? Token was gonna push her, but then he tickled her instead."
Stan,"Dude, why are you so into their relationship?"
Cartman,"I don't know, it's just so... perfect."
Kyle,You motherfucker!
Cartman,"Kyle, Jesus Christ!"
Kyle,What the hell are you doing telling people that we're a gay couple?!
Cartman,"Oh, heard that through the grapevine, did you?"
Kyle,"The new girl liked me, and so you lied to her!"
Cartman,"Somebody had to intervene, Kyle! You were standing in the way of Token and Nichole! They belong together!"
Kyle,"Just because two people are the same race doesn't mean they belong together, you fat racist piece of fucking garbage!"
Cartman,"Oh! Oh, I'm a I'm a racist, huh?! I'm a racist! It's how nature works, Kyle! Look! Look, what about Luke Covina and Maria Sanchez?  Is it a coincidence that they ended up together?!"
Stan,"Actually, I heard they're together because they got locked in the school gym overnight a few months ago."
Cartman,Oh did they? Uh I hadn't heard about that.
Cupid Me,"Teehee, that was us, remember, Eric?"
Cartman,"Shh, quiet, Cupid Me."
Kyle,What?!
Cartman,Nothing.
Kyle,Who is Cupid Me?!
Cartman,Nobody.
Kyle,You are gonna tell everyone that you lied and that we aren't a couple!
Cartman,Why Kyle?! So you can try and ruin things for Token and Nichole?! Look at how happy they are!  Is it that you want to ruin that or are you just homophobic?!
Kyle,God-damnit!
Dad,Nichole? Your mother tells me that you already have a boyfriend at school.
Nichole,His name is Token. He's really nice.
Dad,Well that's good. But... your mother tells me that this boy is... black.
Nichole,So?
Dad,"Well, Nichole, it's just... You know, just because you're black doesn't mean you can only date black boys. It's just a little weird that we moved to this whole new place and you're immediately drawn to the one other black person."
Mom,"Oh stop, William. There's nothing wrong with her dating a black person."
William,"But I'm not saying it's wrong, I'm just saying... she's gonna have to deal with racist people out there! People turning their heads and saying, ""Oh, look at the two black people together. That figures!"""
Nichole,"It's not like that, Dad. We just happen to like each other. I know it seems like a strange coincidence, but it really is. A coincidence."
Mom,"And we are very happy for you, sweetheart. Here, have some more turkey."
William,"Yeah, just try the white meat. I know it's a little dry, but... there's a lot more of it."
Cartman,"Come on!  Other people have to use the bathroom, you know? Can you hurry up in there?!"
Cupid Me,"Teeheeheehee, heeheehee."
Cartman,"Jesus Christ, Cupid Me, you givin' birth in there?!"
Cupid Me,Sorry.
Cartman,"That-s al- Oh, Cupid Me!  Sick! What the fuck have you been eating?!"
Cupid Me,Heeheeheeheeheehee.
Cartman,"Dude, at least flush the toilet!  Aww, it's cute, it's little chocolate hearts."
Cupid Me,They're fudgey charms of sunshine.
Cartman,"You're my fudgey charm of sunshine. Come here, you!"
Cupid Me,"Teeheeheehee, teeheeheeheehee."
Cartman,I'm gonna get you!
Cupid Me,"Heeheehee, no!"
Cartman,I almost got you! Almost!
Liane,"Everything okay, sweetie?"
Cartman,"Everything's great, Mom.  No! Come back here and flush the toilet, you silly! Noohoho!"
Nichole,Oh no...
Nichole,Hey Token.
Token,Hey Nichole.
Nichole,Can I talk to you for a sec?
Token,Sure!  What's up?
Nichole,"Listen, I... ugh, I don't think this is gonna work out."
Token,Oh.
Nichole,"I'm so sorry. It's just... I don't believe we're really on the same page, you know?"
Token,Okay...
Nichole,I think you're really great... Ww-we just...
Token,"I think, you're really great."
Nichole,...I'm sorry.
Token,Yeah. I'm sorry too. I'll see you around.
Nichole,Okay.
Cartman,It's not fair! They were so... happy!
Butters,"It's gonna be okay, Eric."
Cartman,It's NOT gonna be okay! Why did they break up?! They were meant for each other!
Butters,They'll find love somewhere else.
Cartman,"No, they won't!"
Butters,"Yes, they will."
Cartman,"No, they won't! Fuck you Butters, you're an asshole!"
Cupid Me,Teeheehee. Looks like somebody could use a little arrow of sunshine.
Cartman,And you! I should never have believed in you!
Butters,"In...in who, Eric?"
Cartman,I never wanna see you again!  Take! Your sunshine! And frakin'! Die!
Kyle,Hey man. You okay?
Token,Yeah.
Kyle,What happened? It just didn't work out?
Token,Yeah I guess.
Kyle,"So, you guys are totally broken up then? It's... done?"
Token,Yeah.
Kyle,"So then, she's gonna be seeing other people? Is she, sort of, available?"
Token,"Yeah, we're through."
Kyle,"Sooo, theoretically, if someone was to step in, it would beee, okayyy?"
Token,I'm sorry Kyle. I like girls.
Kyle,"Huh?  Dude, what the fuck?"
Announcer,We'll be back with more of the Jeffersons right after this.
Man,"I work hard, so I need a laxative that works hard too!  I can't be constipated on the job.  That's why I need... Soft Serve.  Because when I'm constipated, sometimes even a hard push isn't enough.  Don't give up. Get back in there and get to work!  'Cause when the going gets tough, the tough gets going!"
Cartman,That's right... That's right!  Ohhh.  I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have doubted you. Please come back. I know I got a little angry but... I believe in you. Do you hear me? I believe in you.
Cupid Me,"No, you don't."
Cartman,"Yes, I do, Cupid Me. Love is the bestest feeling in the world. I believe you can change everything."
Cupid Me,"No, you don't."
Cartman,"Please, I can't do this alone. They need us. And I need you. My little flicker of twinkle stars."
Cupid Me,"Teehee, stop it."
Cartman,"Come on, twinkle stars, we got work to do."
Cupid Me,"Heeheehee, heeheeheehee,  Heeheeheeheeheeheeheehee."
Cartman,"Hi, can I speak to Nichole please? It's very important."
William,"I'm sorry, but she's at the Denver Nuggets game."
Cartman,Denver Nuggets game?
William,"Yeah, she went with a nice white, Jewish boy."
Cartman,NOOOOOOO!
Announcer,"Welcome to today's matchup between the Denver Nuggets and the Los Angeles Clippers.  And now, here to sing the National Anthem, country music star Brad Paisley."
Brad Paisley,"O! say can you see by the dawn's early light,What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming,Whose broad stripes and bright stars-"
Cartman,Nooooooo!
Announcer,"Nuggets fans, please direct your attention to center court and the president of Halitosis Kidz. , who invite you to join the Denver Nuggets in the fight against morbid halitosis in children.  Here to attempt a three-point shot for adolescents with terminally bad breath is  the poster child for Halitosis Kidz, Stacy Muleburg.  And a good try."
Stacy,Aaahahahaaaa.
Adults,Awww!
Cartman,NOOOOOOO.
Guard,Tickets please.
Cartman,No time! NOOOOOOO!
Announcer,We're all set for the tipoff.
Cartman,"Attention! Attention please!  This is a message for all of you out there who have just ended a relationship. Sometimes, love is hard. But you can't just run away from it. When you start to have something special you have to work at it!  Even though it might seem like the world is against you, you still have to hold on! With both hands!  Don't let society dictate who you can and can't be with. Kyle, I love you babe. You can run all you want, try to pretend you like girls, but damnit, when we kiss there's magic! Don't let it go, Kyle."
Crowd,Awwwww.
Cartman,"I want to hold you every morning and love you every night, Kyle. I promise you nothing but love and happiness.I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky I'll be there, KyleI swear  like a shadow that's by your sideKyle, swear to God I'll be there.For better or worse , till death do us part I'll love you with  every gay beat of my heart!"
Brad,"I swear, Kyle."
Cartman,"I swear, Kyle."
Nichole,Where are you going?
Kyle,That fat turd up there is the one who set up you and Token 'cause he thinks blacks belong together!
Nichole,He did that? Oh no.
Cartman,"Thank you! Thank you all. That's all I wanted to say. That and... The Bat-Mobile's outside.  Seriously guys, you gotta see it. The Bat-Mobile! It's outside."
Spectator,What?
Nichole,Token. Hey.
Token,Hi.
Nichole,"Token, I'm so sorry. I thought you were only with me because I'm black."
Token,I'm sorry too. I wouldn't even talk to you at first because you were black.
Both,Do you think we could... Do you still want to...
Nichole,Maybe we can give it another try?
Token,There are still people who will look at us funny. That think we're supposed to be together.
Nichole,Let them look. I don't care.
Token,"I don't care, either."
Nichole,I just think you're a great person. The color of your skin doesn't matter.
Token,YAY!
Cartman,"Oh my gohhhd, so cute!"
Cupid Me,"Teeheehee, a place for everything, and everything in its place."
Cartman,"That's right, Cupid Me. People who are the same belong together."
Cupid Me,"That's right, and I found somebody who's just the same as you!"
Cartman,Really?!
Cupid Me,There she is!
Cartman,"What?! Fuck you, Cupid Me!"
Cupid Me,"Teeheeheeheehee, fuck you!"
Cartman,"Hey, stop it!"
Stacy,Haaagh!
Cartman,Nooo!
Stacy,Haahahaagh!
Dan,"Artonius Jackson catches the ball , he's running down the sideline-  Ohhhh!"
Randy,BOHHHHH! Did you see that hit? BOOOOM!
Dan,Jackson stops at the 45 and he is slow to get up.
Randy,That was a great hit boys. Remember that at practice tomorrow.
Commentator,"Yeah, Jackson took a real shot and...  well I'm not sure what he's doing now, but uh, it appears as if he's looking for his keys, Dan."
Dan,"Yeah, and that doesn't make a lot of sense, because ever since his concussion in '06, he doesn't even have a license."
Commentator,"Coach Martin is coming over to tell him that now, but Jackson appears to think he's in a car driving home."
Dan,"Well, during this time out we're happy to be joined by the commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goodell. Commissioner, a lot of hoopla about concussions this year in the NFL. How's the league handling all that?"
Goodell,"Well, there certainly are interesting statistics coming out, Dan, and we are deeply concerned, anduh and waiting to see if there's... really any direct correlation between football and head trauma."
Dan,"Oh, and it looks like some of the MFL alumni are takin' the field now. There's All-Pro safety Martin Gregors , and fullback Jim Harris. Looks like his pants are down around his ankles."
Commentator,"Somebody should let him know. Oh, and Old Surehand Mike Tafthill , who seems to be baking an imaginary cake, Dan."
Dan,"Yeah, not sure if that's meant to be a cake or, or perhaps a, a loaf of bread, but he definitely thinks he's baking something."
Butters,"Boy, I just don't get football. Guess that's why I suck at it."
Stan,"You don't suck at football, Butters, you suck at all sports."
Butters,"That's true. Old Eric tells me I should work at a Thai massage parlor, I'm so good at sucking."
Cartman,"That's right, Butters."
Dan,And with that the Browns are ready to kick it off back to the Broncos
Randy,"All right all right, here we go boys! Watch them on the kickoff, all right? Special teams are the most important plays."
Kyle,We don't have kickoffs anymore.
Randy,Huh?
Stan,"The school said they're the most dangerous plays, so they don't have us do 'em anymore."
Randy,"Wait wait wait, wait. Whoa! What! The! FUCK?!"
Principal Victoria,"Okay, before we get started with this PTA meeting, does anyone have any outstanding issues?"
Randy,"Yeah, I'd like to talk about this genius new rule in the football program about no kickoffs?"
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, yes, we've decided to go without kickoffs because of the concerns raised over concussions, m'kay?"
Randy,"Oh yeah, we don't want our kids getting hurt playing football! But I think I have a way to make it even better! Why don't we have the players just wear bras?!"
Mr. Adler,Bras?
Randy,"Yeah, the players should all wear bras! And instead of helmets, they should wear little tinfoil hats, 'cause, you know, it's the future and we shouldn't be so barbaric!"
Linda,How would the bras and tinfoil hats make it safer?
Randy,"Oh, you're all not getting it! See, while we're at it, we'll have a balloon instead of a ball, and whoever catches the balloon tries to run while all the other players hug!"
Mr. Mackey,Huh. You you think the students would like that?
Randy,"Oh they'd love it! A sport where safety is all that matters? How about we call it ""sarcastaball""?!"
Mr. Mackey,"Hnkay, would, would you mind being the coach of the South Park sarcastaball team?"
Randy,"Jesus Christ! Yes, I would love to be the coach of the sarcastaball team!"
Stan,"Dad, do we really have to wear bras?"
Randy,"Yes Stan, this is what people want! Don't worry, you look really cool."
Butters,"I got the balloon, Coach Marsh. Er, what should I do with it?"
Randy,"Oh, you know, try to get it into the end zone, but be really polite about it."
Butters,"Okay! Hey, hey, heh excuse me. Pardon me. Heh,  you guys look terrific. Wow, this game is great!"
Principal Victoria,"How's it going, coach?"
Randy,How's it going? Awesome! Nobody's getting hurt and the kids are learning valuable life lessons! 'Cause hugging and safety are what the world is all about!
Principal Victoria,So you're happy with these changes?
Randy,Happy? I'm thrilled! Look at how much better this is!
Principal Victoria,Okay.
Anchor,"Is football safe for your kids? Concerned Parent Randy Marsh says ""No,"" and has started a movement to reform the sport, gathering followers by the hundreds."
Randy,"Oh, this is good! Nice for you all to turn out in record numbers to show your support for sarcastaball!  Yeah yeah, we're, we're through with our kids getting knocked on the ground and tackled! Let's make sarcastaball the official school sport nationwide!  Go on, pat yourselves on the back!"
Anchor,"Showing just how much one concerned parent can do, Marsh then found himself in front of the leaders of Washington."
Randy,"Yeah, yeah! Let's do that! We got the economy in the toilet, a big election coming up, but this country's number one priority should be making football safer!"
Kyle,This is ridiculous! Are we really going to go out there and play North Park like this?!
Clyde,I can't even remember if we're supposed to hug the fullback or compliment him. I'm so confused.
Stan,This game is stupid. I have no idea how to go out on the field and be as nice as I can to the other team!
Cartman,"Yeah, you know what?  Screw this!"
Butters,"Hey, whoa! Well I can't believe what I'm hearing!  We've been practicing and gettin' ready for this game, and you fellas just wanna quit?!"
Kyle,We don't even understand how this game is played.
Butters,"This great game isn't about plays. It's about sportsmanship. And compassion. And when I look around this locker room, well I see some of the nicest, most compassionate guys I've ever met!  Well Token, you're nicer than anybody I know.  And Clyde! Well you give better hugs than anyone out on that field!"
Cartman,That's true.
Butters,"Are we just gonna let North Park walk away with a victory because we think they know how to be nicer than us?  Bein' nice is about what's inside you! When your enemy is nice to you, you just be nice right back! And if they give you two balloons, well you give them three!"
"Clyde, Kenny",Yeah.
Butters,"And when they try an-and thank you for those balloons, you say ""Ah I don't need any thanks! I did it 'cause it was the right thing to do!"" And then you give them a smile!"
Boys,Yeah!
Butters,"And when that other team tries to cover you, well that's when you gotta reach deep down. Right down to your creamy center. Well that place, well that place inside of you where, where all the goouey happy-lovin' goo sits and you just gotta use that and be the nicest, most compassionate player you've ever been, and let the world know that we will not fall down so easy!"
Boys,Yeah! Yeah!
Cartman,"Let's do this.  Stan, hook up my bra."
Goodell,"As commissioner of the NFL, I am so thrilled to see our nation's youth embrace sarcastaball over traditional football. Oh, but why stop there? Since football is so barbaric, we should change too. So let's give a biiig welcome to the new coach of the Denver Broncos, Randy Marsh.  Congratulations, Marsh. Good job!"
Randy,"Oh thank you, commissioner! I'm thrilled to be a part of this! Thanks!"
Goodell,Nice going!
Randy,"Yeah, no, you nice going!"
Photographer,"Hey guys, how about a nice fucking picture to welcome in the future of sports?"
Announcer,Welcome to the inaugural game of the National Sarcastaball League! As we bring you today's matchup between the Denver Broncos and the Oakland Raiders.
Randy,"Yeah, lookin' good, guys! Let's kick some butt!"
Randy,"Oh yeah, good one!"
Announcer,"And now, here are your Denver Whoop de fucking do girls!"
Cheerleaders,Woo! Woo!
Cheerleader 1,Go Broncos! Go!
Cheerleader 2,Whoop de fuckin' do!
Announcer,"And now, here to sing the sarcastaball anthem, recording artist, Cee-Lo!"
Cee Lo Green,I love sarcastaballIt's so much better than footballI'm so glad they got rid of violence in sports'Cause sarcastaball is so super fun to watch
Fan 1,"Woo! Nice job, Cee-Lo! Good to see you on TV some more!"
Fan 2,"Yeah, I'm a big fan of all your hit songs!"
Kyle,"Dude, what do you mean ""We don't have a coach.""?"
Stan,"Look, I'm sorry guys, my dad said he's too busy with the Broncos. He doesn't have time for us."
Kyle,But our big game with Lakewood is Saturday!
Stan,I'm sorry. My dad is taking professional sarcastaball really seriously.
Clyde,"Well, we might as well call up Lakewood and tell 'em we forfeit."
Kyle,We can't.
Clyde,"We don't have a coach, Kyle."
Cartman,Who needs a coach? We have Butters.
Butters,Huh?
Craig,Hey yeah.
Stan,"The guys are right. From now on, you're team captain, Butters. You lead us to victory."
Butters,"Oh jeez n-no, I I don't know, fellas."
Cartman,"Butters, you understand this game better than anybody."
Butters,"Yeah, but I uh, I I can't be team captain. I... Well I suck at everything."
Stan,Not at this you don't! What about that creamy filling you talked about? That gooey goodness inside you that makes you the butteriest Butters we know?
Butters,'At's in there. It's overflowing sometimes.
Kyle,"We need you, Butters. You're the man!"
The Team,Bu-tters! Bu-tters! Bu-tters! Bu-tters!
Fangirls,"Butters, rah, Butters!"
A Fangirl,"I love you, Butters!"
Butters,"I love you too, ladies."
Wendy,"Oh Butters, you know how I feel about the captain of sports teams."
Red,"Leave him alone, Wendy! He's mine!"
Butters,Woohoohoohoohoo!
Butters,Wuh wuuuhhh wuh!  Wha? Wha? Oh.  Ohhh... Daaad! It happened again.  More of my creamy goo came out.
Stephen,"Oh. Well uh, that's okay Butters. Remember what we talked about. Sometimes our happy, creamy filling just gets soo full it comes out at night."
Butters,"I was havin' happy dreams, about a girl and-!"
Stephen,"All right Butters, let's... it's happy feelings, let's just not talk about it."
Butters,"Okay Dad!  Oh! Saaave that, for later."
Announcer,The score is zero to zero as the Steelers kick off to the Broncos.
Cheerleader 1,"Go Broncos, Go."
Dan,"Manning has the ball. He's saying some really great things about the other team. Manning met by LaMarr Woodley. He's giving the balloon to Woodley. The referee comes in.  Oh, the referee is calling that a touchdown! Oh wait, now another official is signalling that's a safety!"
Randy,"Oh yeah, nice going, replacement refs!"
Dan,They're gonna have to sort this one out with a side judge.
Side Judge,"Fuck it, it's a fucking field goal!"
Randy,YEAH!  YEAH! WOO!
Reporter 1,"Coach, three to nothing victory over the Steelers. You must feel like a reeeal winner."
Randy,"Yeah, well, the other team was just so awesome on offense I was really scared."
Reporter 1,"Coach Belichick says,  ""No way we can beat the Broncos. They've had the same coach for almost a day."""
Randy,"Oh yeah, I'm just the guy who invented sarcastaball! There's no way I'd know how to coach it!"
Reporter 2,Guess we'll find out on Sunday.
Randy,...Yeah...
Randy,"All right guys, listen up! Forget about the day off, we need to practice tomorrow."
Broncos,D'awwwww!
Manning,Practice on Monday after a victory? Great!
Randy,"That's good, Peyton, but we need to get better."
Manning,Practice on Monday? That's just what I wanna do!
Randy,That's IT!
Cartman,"Hey Butters, you got a minute?"
Butters,"Wuh sure, Eric."
Cartman,"I don't now what to do. Kids are starting to make fun of me because, I'm no good at sarcastaball. I suck at being nice and polite. I'm so good at sucking I should work at a Thai massage parlor."
Butters,"Uh-uh oh, no E-eric, you're, why you're a great player."
Cartman,"No, I just don't have the mojo you have, Butters."
Butters,"Oh, well, ye-Eric, ah I told you: everyone has a creamy filling inside them, where all the feelings of compassion and joy come from. Oh, didn't your dad ever tell you that?"
Cartman,...I don't have a dad.
Butters,"...Oh right, I, I'm sorry. Well, everyone has a creamy filling, Eric. And and some people have so much of that filling that it, that it comes out sometimes. A lot of times, when I go to sleep, and especially if I've had them wonderful dreams that make me feel really good, sometimes I wake up, and when I wake up, I I realize some of my goo has come out.  But I always make sure I keep it, just in case I ever run out of all my sunshine happy feelings."
Cartman,Youuu save it all?
Butters,"My goo doesn't come out every night, but I sure do seem to have a surplus of it."
Cartman,"Butters, do you think your goo might work on someone else?"
Butters,I don't know. Weh I never really thought of it that way.
Cartman,"Hm, it's kind of a grapey, bleachy flavor."
Butters,Do you feel warm and compassionate?
Cartman,Holy shit I think I do.
Jim Rome,"Welcome back to Rome. We're gonna talk some sarcastaball. I can't wait. I can't wait to talk sarcastaball because it's really compelling.  Joining me now is the coach of the Denver Broncos and the inventor of sarcastaball, Randy Marsh. Thanks for calling in, Randy. Really happy to have you on the show."
Randy,"Yeah, it's awesome to be on your show."
Jim Rome,"Randy, first off, thanks for taking the sports that we all love and turning it into a sarcastic nightmare. Way to go."
Randy,"Thanks, Jim. 'Cause it's totally what I intended. You know, when I came up with the idea I was sure it was gonna end up like this."
Jim Rome,Well it certainly makes for an exciting game. How about last night's nail-biter that ended zero to zero? That's a game I wanna watch twice. That's a game I wanna watch four times. Check that: I'll watch that game... five times.  Good luck on Sunday. I'm sure that'll be another game that I could watch... twelve times. Check that: thirteen times.
Randy,Thanks Jim.
Sharon,"Randy, aren't you gonna come join your family for dinner?"
Randy,"Oh yeah, I've totally got time to do that, Sharon! In fact, how about I go downstairs and make a four-course meal for all of you? Check that: a seven-course meal?"
Sharon,"Randy, something's happened. Are you un-able to stop being sarcastic?"
Randy,"Oh, right! I can't stop being sarcastic now!"
Sharon,"I'm telling you, Randy, I think this sport is doing something to your brain."
Randy,"Right, it's doing something to my brain! And now I can't stop being sarcastic!"
Sharon,Do you mean that?
Randy,"Yes! I totally mean it!  Help me, Sharon. Help me."
Butters,"All right, first string, cover those wideouts. Tell 'em how much you like their outfits! Clyde, Token! Hug those two players and give their quarterback a kiss."
Spectators,Awwwwww!
Stan,"Cartman, you idiot!"
Butters,"Stay positive, Stan! All right guys, cuddle up, cuddle up!  Now what is goin' on out there?"
Cartman,That kid is provoking us! He's saying mean things to try and piss us off.
Clyde,"Yeah. We need more of your mojo, Butters."
Butters,"Oh, all right. Well all right, here you go."
Doctor,"Uh hum. Mmm.  I'm sorry, Mr. Marsh, but there appears to be permanent damage."
Randy,"Oh boy, this is great! My week just keeps getting better."
Sharon,"How do we fix this, doctor?"
Doctor,"You don't. I'm sorry, there... just isn't enough research in how sarcasm affects the brain."
Randy,So that's it.  I should just go home and forget about what this sport has done to me. Let thousands of people play sarcastaball and get hurt too!
Doctor,"Ohh, rreally? You, you think there's a correlation between sarcasm and sarcastaball?  Really?  That's fascinating. Please, go on."
Randy,"No, sarcastaball has nothing to do with it. I just... I just really enjoy being sarcastic and so I must be finding an excuse."
Doctor,"You know, I have a 50-year-old Alzheimer's patient out in the waiting room who can't even remember his family, but... let's forget about him and focus on how sarcastaball might be damaging people's brains."
Randy,My son is out there playing that game! It's heartwarming to see you have such high regard for his safety!
Doctor,"Okay, well I've got a better idea. Let's get all the funding for cancer research and genetic diseases, let's, let's take all that money and make commercials that say ""Hey America, sarcasm might not be such a great thing for your brain."""
Randy,"Thank you, doctor. Thank you so much!"
Jim Rome,"Jim Rome here. Hey, I love sarcastaball just as much as the next guy, but sometimes it's so thrilling I need an extra burst of energy to get me through a game. That's when I reach for a bottle of this.  Butters' Creamy Goo."
Voice-Over,"You play hard. You need a sports drink that gives you that extra boost.  Sports these days are all about being nice, so take your game to the next level . With Butters' Creamy Goo.  You'll be filled with feelings of good tidings and be nicer than a ray of sunshine."
Butters,Like me!
Jim Rome,"Get with it, and get the Goo!"
Voice-Over,Butters' Creamy Goo is chock full of all the essentials an athlete needs. Commitment! Compassion! And Comradery! And now it's available in quart size!
Singer,Go and chug a bottle of Butters' Creamy Goo!
Voice-Over,Best served just above room temperature.
Butters,"42! Red 13! Sunshine and happy thoughts! Sunshine and happy thoouughts! HUT!  Oh no, that kid's gonna intercept it!  Good job, kid!"
Randy,STAN?! Stan!
Stan,Dad?
Randy,"Get in the car, Stan! We're going home!"
Stan,What?
Sharon,"We're sorry, Stanley, we don't want you playing this sport anymore."
Mr. Mackey,"Hey, get off the field! M'kay?!"
Randy,"Everyone! Everyone, listen! There's something you all need to know about sarcastaball. It turns out... it's totally safe.  Yeah, it's super safe! It's like sooo safe that we should have every kid play it-ugh!  Oh! Sorry, sorry. Hang on. Gotta not be so sarcastic. Ahem, let me try that again. Listen everyone... if you let your kids play sarcastaball, you're a fucking genius! Ogh!.. Gyugh! Cut, sorry. Let me try this again.  Look, what I'm trying to say is, we should have like, 10 sarcastaball leagues, because then everyone-! Would-  God damn it!"
Sharon,"Stanley, just get your things and come on. We're going home!"
Stan,"Whoawhoa, you can't, you can't tell me what to do!"
Randy,"Yeah, we're your parents! We can't tell you what to do!"
Sharon,Don't you see what this sport has done to your father? Do you want to end up like him?
Stan,"Oh right, like he doesn't exaggerate every disease he gets!"
Sharon,"Ohohh Randy, it's happening!"
Butters,"Mr. Marsh, listen. I know you care about your son, but he's a heck of a player! He's good at tickling, laughing, and getting along."
Randy,"Look, the point has been made, okay?! I'm warning you, being this sarcastic is dangerous!"
Stan,"We're not being sarcastic, Dad! Is it so hard to believe that we really enjoy a sport that has no violence? Is it so hard for you to believe that when Butters says ""Competitiveness can be compassionate,"" he's being completely sincere?"
Randy,I don't see how anyone could play this game with any sincerity.
Cartman,That's because you're too grumpy and negative to believe it. What you need... is a sports drink that can boost your levels of caring and goodness.
Stan,Yeah Dad. You need some of this.
Randy,... This is cum.
Stephen,"And you can just sit here in your room and think about what you've done!  Just because people try and make football a little safer by changing a kickoff rule doesn't mean YOU need to take it to ""Oh, who don't we just drink each other's cum?""! Sarcasm like that is homophobic, chauvinistic, and completely lacking in maturity! Any questions?!"
Butters,What's sarcasm and what's com?
Stephen,We'll talk about that when you're older!
Randy,Come on everybody. Let's work on that kickoff change and get back to some football.
Jim Rome,"Welcome back to Rome. Some of you might have seen me on TV last night. Turns out the drink I endorsed was semen. Turns out a little kid was just bein' sarcastic. That kid's probably grounded for a month. Check that: I'm sure he's grounded for two months. And a week. Football needs to be made safer, so why don't we have players in bras drinking semen? Yeah, that's a fastball right there. That's a real stroke of philosophic genius! More little kids drinking semen to finally bring back real football, and I don't know what else to say but ""So long, sarcastaball, it was nice knowin' you."" Let's just hope nothin' like this ever happens again. Probably won't. Not for another year. Check that: couple of days."
Butters,DAD! Hey Dad!
Stephen,What?!
Butters,My wiener is all stiff and pointy!
Stephen,"Oh, well, Butters, that's just the friendly compass. See, whenever you have friends in the area, your little compass there tells you where they are. It's pointing up because Jesus is your friend."
Butters,"Thanks, Dad."
Stan,"You find a good catcher's mitt, Cartman?"
Cartman,"Dude, how come when we play baseball I have to be the catcher?"
Kyle,"Well, because you got good coordination, sharp reflexes, and you're fucking fat."
Cartman,"I'm not fat, Kyle."
Kyle,"Right, you're not fat."
Cartman,"Dude, I'm not fat! I don't drive around on a mobility scooter like  bitch!"
Stan,Whoa duude!
Kyle,"Jesus Christ, you can't even walk down an aisle to get your candy?"
Obese Man,Excuse me.  Excuse me!
Cartman,See what I mean? You can't even walk around a Wall-Mart anymore without getting run over by some fat dick on a Rascal.
Kyle,Why do they even allow those things in stored?
Stan,"They don't just allow them, they have them available at the front."
Kyle,You've gotta be kidding me!
Cartman,"Oh my God you guys, look at this!  Candy Corn Oreos. Oreos with candy corn filling.  Holy hell yes!"
Kyle,"Are you serious?? Look around: doesn't this bother you at all??  That's YOU one day, fatass! Not even one day! If you don't change something, that's you! In about a year!"
Obese Lady,Are those Candy Corn Oreos?
Cartman,"Yeah... Yeah, here you go."
Cartman,"Hey Kyle, can I come in for a second?"
Kyle,Why?
Cartman,"I've been... doing a lot of thinking... about what you said at Wall-Mart.  You're right Kyle. I'm fat.  All these years you tell me and me saying ""No, I'm big-boned"" or ""no, that's just muscle""... It was always just me living in denial. I'm fucking fat, Kyle. I'm fucking fat as fucking fuck."
Kyle,"Cartman, uh, all I was trying to tell you at Wall-Mart was that you-"
Cartman,"No! It's okay, Kyle... because... I'm not gonna live like some... slug who can't even leave his house 'cause he can't get around. Now that I can admit I'm fat, I decided to finally do something about it.  Sweeeeeeeeeet!"
Kyle,Oh no!
Cartman,"Don't know what took me so long, dude. All I needed was a few extra pounds and the insurance company paid for my own private one! See? It's got a basket in front for my candy corn Oreos."
Kyle,You don't need that! Get off of it.
Cartman,"Dude, it's sweet. Did you know they make access for mobility scooters everywhere? I can seriously go from my bed to Wall-Mart and never have to touch the floor, once."
Kyle,"That's not what I meant by doing something about it, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Hmm.  I can't.  I can't seem to get into your bathroom, Kyle."
Kyle,What??
Cartman,"Yeap. No, this is the problem, Kyle.  You've gottam make your bathroom accessible for my mobility scooter or else I won't be able to take a shit in your house."
Kyle,So take a shit somewhere else!
Cartman,"That's not the way this country works, Kyle.  Your bathroom has to be to code for my mobility scooter.  It's the law."
Gerald,What's going on down here?
Cartman,"Can't seem to be able to take a dump in your house, Mr. Broflovski. Doesn't appear to be handicap-accessible.  I'll look past it this time, but you'd better get that bathroom up to code of you don't want a lawsuit.  Well, I'm off to go try to take a shit at Best Buy, guys. See you, Kyle."
Cartman,Out of the way. Out of the way please.
Greeter,Uhh I guess take that big booth by the window.
Ticket Teller,"Okay, we're finally gonna start with pre-boarding. Anyone needing special assistance getting on the aircraft- Oh..."
Cartman,"Coming through. Oh how humiliating.  Scuse me. Gotta go to the front of the line. Oh what shame I feel.  Oh jeez, look how fat I am. I'm just mortified, you guys. Can't believe I have-  Ay! The fuck is this?! There's a wait for the Rascal line?! He-hay! That kid in the middle isn't even fat! Look at him! He's got no right to be on a Rascal! You're not fooling anybody asshole! Walk to the back of the line!"
Legless Boy,I don't have legs.
Cartman,"Yeah, well you got skinny arms!  'Scuse me. Move it."
Cartman,"And so to go through all that, your honor, to go through all the shame and daily ridicule, and then not to be able to take a simple shit at Best Buy?  At Besty Buy I'm sorry.  To be told by some Best Buy manager that your mobility scooter can't fit in his bathroom?  Oh God, excuse me! It's just so belittling, you know? All I wanted to do was take a dump, your honor. After all I've been through, can't I just take a dump at Best Buy?"
Anchor,"More lawsuits today as people on mobility scooters claim they have nowhere to poo. Property owners are being ordered to modify their bathrooms, costing taxpayers millions. Opponents of the measure are expressing their outrage by engaging in the act of Rascal tipping."
Obese Man 2,Stop it you kids! sto- Oop- Owww. Weak! Weak!
Anchor,"The government warns that Rascal tipping can be dangerous, and may lead to fat people shitting their pants as they kick and scream on the floor. To counter the crisis, the Department of Health has called for $25 million in aid, so that all mobility scooters can be fitted with a tip assist device."
Cartman,"Oh yeah, it's nice. Yeah, that works pretty well."
Kyle,You have got to be kidding me!
Cartman,"What, Kyle?!"
Kyle,We should not be wasting time and money making sure Cartman's fat scooter can't be tipped over!
Cartman,"You condone Rascal-tipping, Kyle?! Do you know that all over our country people in mobility scooters are being victimized?!"
Kyle,So get off your fucking scooters and pick them up!
Cartman,"Oh! Oh, did you hear him?!  This is exactly what Adele is talking about!  Our culture celebrates anorexia and tries to make us ashamed if we don't have slim stomachs and perky little tits like Kyle!  Well I for one am gonna stop feeling ashamed just because Kyle throws up in the bathroom six times a day  to make sure he looks good on his magazine covers!  You should be ashamed of YOURself, Kyle! eating your latkes and gefilte fish and then putting your fingers down your throat because society tells you how to look!  I'm not feeling shamed anymore! From now on, I'm gonna shop sitting down and skip to the front of the lines with my head held high! Just because someone needs a mobility scooter doesn't mean they're an ignorant piece of white trash, Kyle! I may be fat, but I'm not Honey Boo Boo!"
Kyle,Who's Honey Boo Boo?
Stan,"Dude, you've never seen Honey Boo Boo?"
Honey Boo Boo,"My name's Honey Boo Boo and I'm a beauty queen, bitches.  I'm fat as a whale and I don't give two shits, girl!"
Mama,"Her favorite foods are sketti and butter, and she likes drinkin' Red Bull and Mountain Dew."
Honey Boo Boo,"I'm only six and I've already had three heart attacks, girlfriend!"
Mama,"Come on! Come on now, Boo Boo!  Now get up and wave to them judges!  We ain't got no shame about our weight, 'cause our weight makes us sassy."
Kyle,"Jesus, dude. W-w-what happened? It's like, something's lowered the bar to the point that nobody feels any shame anymore."
Stan,"Well, dude, it's not like the bar is this actual, physical thing."
James Cameron,This is it! Throttle down!
A crewman,Throttle down!
Crewman 1,"Mr. Cameron, you don't have to do this! Why don't you just go back to your house in Malibu? Go work on another movie?"
James Cameron,I have to do this! I have to try and raise it!
Crewman 1,"The bar isn't something that actually lowers, Mr. Cameron."
James Cameron,"Then how do you explain all the fat people on mobility scooters?  How do YOU account for... Honey Boo Boo? The bar has been lowered to depths we can't even fathom. If anyone can go down there and raise it back, it's ME.  Let her go!  UV lights on. Pressure system is normal. Music, on."
Singers,"His name is James (James) Cameron, the bravest pioneer.No budget too steep no sea too deep Who's that? It's him!James Cameron."
James Cameron,Systems are normal. You guys hearing the song okay up there?
Singers,"James (James) Cameron, explorer of the sea"
Crewman 1,"Yes, James, we hear the song."
James Cameron,Descending to one thousand feet. I don't see the bar yet. Looks like it must have sunk pretty low.
Singers,With a dying thirst to be the first. Could it be? Yeah it's him. James Cameron.
Kyle,"Come on, hurry it up in there!"
Cartman,"Oh yeah, that's good. That's accessible now. Cool, let me try to take a shit in this real quick."
Kyle,This has gone far enough!  How can we make people see the difference between being sensitive to obesity and letting fat people walk all over us?!
Token,"Yeah, what we need is something to raise awareness."
Kyle,Yeah! We've gotta raise people's awareness!
Token,"Something like... a documentary. You know, follow Cartman around, with a video camera, and then get all his bullshit on television."
Kyle,"Yeah! g'uh... A, a documentary?"
Token,"At least then we'd be voicing our concern. I mean, if you think about it, we should feel some shame for... complaining about it and not doing anything."
Kyle,"You, I gu-I guess you're kinda right."
Token,"Hey, tell you what: if you wanna follow Cartman around, and get a video of him, I'll pay to make it into a documentary, and get it on the air."
Kyle,"Really? Thanks, dude! I'm gonna go get a video camera!"
Craig,"Hey Token. If you're gonna get Kyle to video that stuff for you, you should probably tell him the truth."
Token,"He doesn't need to know the truth. Kyle will get what he wants, and so will I."
Kyle,"Ladies and gentlemen, we have an epidemic in our country. Obesity is costing taxpayers millions, and some are taking advantage of a system that is flawed. Over the past several days I have filmed such a case, and the shocking video has been edited by my partner, Token. It is our hope that this film will cast light on a serious issue."
Token,"He's chubby,  he's filthy , and he's just a little bit nuts.  Here he is, America's newest sweetheart, Fatty Doo Doo!"
Kyle,Fatty Doo Doo?
Randy Newman,Who's that scootin' on a scooter? Fatty Doo DooWho's got doodoo like a fatty scoop de do?
Kyle,What?
Randy Newman,"Nobody scoots a fatty doo like you do.Scatty foo fooPatty poo pooWhite president, black president, I don't care.Just scoop me up some doodoo and I'll be right there.I. Only. Know. Five. Chords. Six-"
Token,Come in.
Kyle,What have you done?
Token,"I helped you make a documentary, Kyle."
Kyle,"When we said ""documentary,"" I thought we meant 60 Minutes, not Honey Boo Boo!"
Token,"Kyle, Kyle, I'm trying to make compelling television."
Kyle,"You got Randy Newman to do the theme song. You're not trying that hard. Token, you're a good kid. How can you sit there and collect money on a show that's about a, about a fat child killing himself?? Where's your sense of shame??"
Token,"I can remember... exactly where I was... the first time I saw Honey Boo Boo. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. A shameful, fat family eating white trash food to their death. And then I saw what network it was on: The Learning Channel.  If they can feel okay about that, why can't I?"
Kyle,"When the bar gets lowered, Token, we all pay the price. What if Honey Boo Boo was a little black girl? Being fattened up by her mom and talking about grits and hominy?"
Token,"But she's not black, Kyle. She's white.  The bar is determined by society, Kyle. And it's not something that can just be raised up.  Not by us, or anyone else."
James Cameron,You guys seeing this?!
Crewman 1,"Yes, we see, Mr. Cameron."
James Cameron,"This is where the bar was just a few years ago. It was lowered here when President Clinton got a blow job in the oval office. And suddenly men who were just getting blow jobs in alleyways thought they weren't all that bad. But clearly something else has lowered the bar even more! I must go deeper! We're in the pipe, five by five."
Kyle,"I just don't know what to do. I mean, I hate Cartman with all my heart, but I can't stop feeling ashamed for taking advantage of him. But should I feel ashamed? Oh, whatever lowered the bar is not my fault. So if I kind of go with it, is it really unfair to Cartman?"
Stan,"I guess not, but... What is it exactly you're trying to do?"
Kyle,"Just, you know, make some money off him. Like Honey Boo boo."
Stan,"Dude! Dude, not cool!"
Kyle,What?
Stan,Haven't you heard what happened? Honey Boo Boo's heart gave out.
Kyle,What? Oh my God.
Stan,Yeah dude. It's really serious.
Mama,"Well, the doctor said Honey Boo Boo needs a heart transplant. They're gonna do a surgery and put a pig heart in her, so, we're going to the ranch to pick out a hog."
Honey Boo Boo,I'mm gettin' a piiig heaaart.
Mama,"Honey Boo Boo is gonna do pageants with a pig heart, we wanna pick a hog that has pizzazz and knows how to work it, girl!"
Honey Boo Boo,I waunt that one!
Farmer,This one here?  You want this one??
Honey Boo Boo,Yeah! No wait! That pig over there gave me the evil eye! I wuant that one! I waunt  that one!
Farmer,This one?  this one right here?? Ya waunt this one??
Honey Boo Boo,I want that one's heart! It looked at me funny!
Mama,We've been in the OR about two hours already. I just hope when she does her pageants the judges don't take away points 'cause she's got a pig heart.  Honey Boo Boo!  Honey BOO BOO!
Honey Boo Boo,What?!
Mama,What you gonna tell them judges if they ask you about your heart?
Honey Boo Boo,"I'm gonna tell them ""my heart is sweeter than bacon, child!"""
Mama,Who waunts sketti and butter?  She got a pig heart an' now she thinks she's a pachyderm. Show 'em your scar!
Honey Boo Boo,"This is myyy scaaar 'cause I got a pig heart. My scar makes me sassy, child!"
James Cameron,"S. S. Cameron? This is James Cameron. I am now at... 16,000 feet. You should see the cold darkness of it all. The isolation and yet awwwe of the sea's magnitude. I have now sunk deeper than any human has ever been before!"
Randy Newman,We are here in the ocean depths goin' deep deep deep-  Oh hey James Cameron.
James Cameron,What the fuck?!
Randy Newman,I've been divin' in the deep and I'm feelin' so cheap.
James Cameron,You son of a bitch Newman! How did you beat me down here!
Randy Newman,"I don't want anyone raisin' the bar, 'cause nobody'll hire me! Deep deep deep in the ocean. Ohhh, come on. Fight me, Cameron."
James Cameron,"Alright, you son of a bitch! I'll take you to hell!"
Cartman,"It is a violation of my civil rights, Token, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
Kyle,"I'm sorry Token, I had to tell him. His life is in danger."
Cartman,"Making money off of people's handicaps! Well Token, I would like you to meet my lawyer!  As soon as he gets in here he will be handing you a cease and desist order! That show is not going to air!"
Token,It actually aired last night.
Kyle,You found a network to buy it?
Token,"Yeah, but don't worry. It didn't do so good. We got killed in the ratings by Honey Boo Boo."
Cartman,What? That little bitch beat me in the ratings?! Oh HELL NO!
Token,"Well it was only our first show of the season, so you really can't-"
Cartman,"I don't give a shit, dude! Nobody beats my ratings! Get me a plane ticket! That bitch is going down!"
Announcer,"We welcome you to the First Lady's Symposium on Obesity, with your keynote speaker, Michelle Obama."
Michelle Obama,"Our country is in the midst of an epidemic. Recently a very big conflict was brought to my attention.  A conflict that illustrates without a doubt what should be our nation's number one priority. What will we do as a country? I cannot give you any easy answers. But what I can give you, is what we've all been waiting for! Honey Boo Boo versus Fatty Poo Poo!"
Cartman,"You're goin' down, bitch!  Nobody takes my ratings!"
Token,"That's good, Fatty, get pissed!"
Cartman,I'm pissed!
Token,"Yeah, Fatty!"
Cartman,"Yeah, I'm fat and I'm pissed!"
Mama,Ain't nobody can beat my Boo Boo at sketti wrestlin'!
Michelle Obama,Let's do this!
Honey Boo Boo,Ow!
Cartman,"I ain't done with you, bitch!"
Man,Yeah! Tip assist!
Crewman 2,You think he's dead?
Crewman 3,I hope so.
James Cameron,S.S. Cameron! This is James Cameron! I've found it! My God I found the bar!  Divert all power to sub systems! Two percent oxygen left!  The bar is too heavy! Aaaaagh! Come on you bitch!
Crewman 4,Well I'll be damned.
Stan,"Dude, you okay?"
Kyle,"I've been thinking, how did shamelessness get to this?  Did it start with fat people on scooters? Or did the bar get lowered way before that? And then I started thinking, maybe it was us.  I don't know, but maybe somehow, we lowered the bar, a long time ago.  And now we're all sittin' here in the stink of it all.  There's no going back, Stan."
Man 2,"Rrrgh it's like, I can't explain it. I just suddenly feel like this isn't right."
Man 3,I don't know why we were watchin' that garbage in the first place.
Kyle,Huh?
Aide,"Ms. Obama, are you, uh, ma'am? Are you okay?"
Michelle Obama,Something's wrong. This... This is all wrong!  Stop! Everyone! What are we doing?! How can you let this happen to your daughter?!
Mama,"I don't know, I... How did I let myself go like this? What have I done??"
Man 4,When did we devolve into watching fat kids sketti wrestling?
Michelle Obama,We need to realize obesity is an epidemic. But it's not a disease. From now on I'm going to dedicate this administration to FIGHTING childhood obesity!
Cartman,Oh! You fucking bitch!
Token,What the hell is going on?
Kyle,I don't know. I think... we've been given another chance.
Crewman 5,"Hey Cameron, we can't believe it."
James Cameron,We're done here! Set course for the set of Avatar 2
Crewman 6,Mr. Cameron.  People should know. How you saved us all? How you raised the bar? How will they know what a hero you are?
James Cameron,James Cameron doesn't do what James Cameron does for James Cameron.  James Cameron does what James Cameron does because James Cameron is... James Cameron.
Singers,"His name is James (James) Cameron, the bravest pioneer.No budget too steep no sea too deep Who's that? It's him!James Cameron."
Announcer,"Erectile dysfunction is a fact of life. You want to show her you love her, but you're old, and so is she.  The next time that special moment comes, don't let your sex drive fail you just because your wife looks like a shriveled prune. Fake it, with Cialis.  It won't make her any harder, but it will make you not care for up to three hours.  And then you can still have your own separate bathrub from her later on."
Gerald,Hey Sheila. You feel like having some fun?
Sheila,"Oh dear, did the Cialis commercial turn you on again?"
Gerald,How about I put on the uniform?
Sheila,"Oh, Gerald..."
Gerald,Huh? What do you think? You know you like it.
Sheila,"Oh, hello."
Gerald,UPS man. I have a ...package from Amazon for you.
Sheila,"Oh, dear, but I'm barely dressed."
Gerald,If you'll just...  sign right here.
Sheila,"Oh, you're so rough with me, Mr. UPS man!"
Gerald,"Yeah?  Do you like your package, ma'am?"
Sheila,Oh yes!
Gerald,Huh?
Sheila,"Do it harder, UPS man!"
Kyle,"Ike, what's the matter?  Dude, you've been in here crying all morning. What's going on?  Oh. My. God. Ike, a-are you sure about this?"
Ike,Yes! Yes!
Kyle,"I-Ike, this is a big deal. You have to be absolutely, 100%-"
Ike,"I saw them, Kyle, I saw them!"
Kyle,Oh no...
Kyle,"You guys can't tell anybody, all right? Not until I figure out what to do."
Stan,"Dude, what happened?"
Kyle,Take a look.
Stan,What's this?
Kyle,Ike found out last night. My mom's having sex with the UPS man.
Stan,Whoa!
Cartman,"Dude, no way!"
Kyle,Yeah dude.
Stan,"But are you sure they had sex, like, ""sex"" sex, or they actually had sex?"
Kyle,"Yeah dude, like, full-on. Ike saw everything. It totally makes sense now. My mom's been ordering all kinds of stuff from Amazon lately. Sometimes, sh-she doesn't even remember what she's ordered. She's probably been having sex with the UPS man for a long time."
Randy,Ohhhh...
Stan,Well are you gonna tell your dad?
Kyle,I don't know. I feel like I should confront my mom first. But it's so embarrassing.
Cartman,"Kyle, have you stopped to think that maybe the sex wasn't consensual?"
Kyle,What?
Cartman,"Isn't it possible your mom was raped by the UPS man? We know nothing about this guy and he shows up to all of our houses. Think about it: what kind of sane, normal person would wanna have sex with Kyle's mom?"
Stan,"Cartman dude, not now."
Cartman,"No, hear me out, you guys. Haven't you seen those ADT commercials? ""Women these days get raped by perfectly normal-looking white guys in broad daylight."" It may be too late for Kyle's mom, but I'm getting some God damned security!"
Randy,"Look, look, the thing is, do we tell Gerald, or do we just stay out of it?"
Jimbo,"How do you tell him? ""Hey Gerald, Sorry, but the UPS man is bangin' your wife."" It's really none of our business."
Stuart,"If my wife was having sex with the UPS man, I'd want you guys to tell me!"
Stephen,"How do you know she's not? I mean, think about it: this is a guy who visits all our houses during the day, who clearly has a kind of... insatiable lust... I mean, somebody who would have sex with Kyle's mom would have sex with just about anything!"
Randy,"Oh, come on, he can't be trying that with all our wives?"
Mechanic,"Wouldn't be the first time.  Hyeah, there's a price to be paid with having things convenient. Used to be... a man had to go to the store to buy himself a pitcher of milk. Hyeah, but men got lazy. They wanted that milk delivered right to the door. Only problem was, the guy deliverin' that milk end sup fuckin' your wife. Sure, you had your nice cold milk delivered right to your doorstep, but your wife was gettin' pounded out like a mallard duck.  And now you got your Amazon.  And the milkman's come back.  And none of ya are safe."
Security Agent,"And so you'd need the motion detectors in the living room and the kitchen, the touch pads at the front and rear doors, and break-in monitors on all windows. I'm afraid those are not secure at all."
Cartman,"Oh no, really?"
Liane,"Oh, I'm sorry, but I really don't think I can afford this."
Cartman,"Mom, do you wanna get raped?! Haven't you seen their commercials?! You can get raped by a white guy these days, Mom!"
Liane,Ohhh...
Security Agent,"Yes, unfortunately it's not enough to just be fearful of strangers these days."
Cartman,What-what do you mean?
Security Agent,"Well, many times, houses are burglarized by someone the victim knows."
Cartman,"Oh my God, I knew it! Kyle is always taking my stuff! Just yesterday I couldn't find my iPod headphones! That sneaky little Jew!"
Security Agent,"We realize that's a lot of money, Mrs. Cartman, but really, how much is feeling secure in your own home worth?"
Cartman,Yeah Mom! There's dangerous people trying to screw us both!
Sharon,"Don't you need to be getting to work, Rand?"
Randy,"No, I think I'll uh, ...just hang out a little longer.  I'll get it."
UPS Man,"Hey there, looks like I got a couple of packagers from Amazon for ya."
Randy,"Oh, is that so?"
UPS Man,If I can just get your signature right  there?
Randy,"Sure um... Chad, is it?"
UPS Man,Thad.
Randy,"Thad. Nice. You um, havin' a busy day?"
UPS Man,"Oh you know, just, tryin' to get to everyone."
Randy,Yeah I'll bet.
UPS Man,"Well, have a good one."
Randy,"Yeah, you too, Thad.  Hey Sharon, these came for you."
Sharon,"Ooooo, stuff from Amazon?"
Randy,"Yeah, w-what are they?"
Sharon,"You know, to be honest, I can't remember?"
Randy,You just... order stuff off of Amazon and you can't remember what?
Sharon,"Ohhh yeahyeahyeah, these are the paring knives I ordered. Sorry, I think I was a little tipsy.  oh, and this is the book Stan's been wanting; can you take it up to him?"
Randy,"Yeah, sure, 'cause...  people just order stuff from Amazon and... forget what they got."
Randy,"Stan, you got something from Amazon.  Oh.  Ooohhh shit."
Cartman,Oh fuck.  Oh what's the- God damn it!  Hello?
Jeff,This is Jeff with Wolf Home Security. Is everything all right?
Cartman,"Uh yeah, sorry, I live here, I just, I can't remember the code to turn off the alarm!"
Jeff,That's okay. Do you have your security pass phrase you can tell me?
Cartman,"Oh yeah yeah, my pass phrase is... Kyle is a dirty no-good Jew.  No wait, Kyle is a no-good lying Jew."
Jeff,"Okay, I've got something a little different here."
Cartman,"Uhhh, it is My friend Kyle is a no-good dirty...? Hang on, I've got it written down here somewhere."
Jeff,No problem.
Cartman,Sorry about this.
Jeff,"It's all right, it happens all the time."
Cartman,"'Kay, thanks, I... Wait! Hang on a second! What do you mean ""That's all right""! What if I was somebody trying to rape my mom?!"
Jeff,You want to rape your mom?
Cartman,"That's nice, you're so cool about me triggering the alarm and not knowing the password, but how do you know I'm not making it up?! I could have raped my mom twice by now!"
Jeff,You said you lived there.
Cartman,"I do, but you don't know that! I could be Kyle trying to take more of my shit!"
Randy,How did you get rid of him?  How did you get rid of the milkman?
Mechanic,"There's no getting rid of him. Not in any you folks would be prepared for. Noh, best you just let him go on fucking your wives. Maybe he'll get tired of it."
Stephen,"Damn you, it's not just our wives anymore!  This morning, he came for me. I opened the door. It was the UPS man. He had a box from Amazon. I looked inside and found an adapter for an iPhone and then I remembered: I had ordered it! I ordered it the day before and I had barely any recollection. The UPS man is using his powers to try to have sex with me now."
Randy,You said we wouldn't be prepared to get rid of him. How did you?
Mechanic,"We used a pretty blonde to lure him in. When she answered the door she told the milkman to follow her to the bathrub. She took off her clothes and... asked the milkman to fill the tub with milk. The milkman said, ""You want that milk pasteurize?"" And the blonde replied, ""No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it in my eyes."" That's when we jumped 'im. It was over in minutes. Then we burned his body. You wanna get rid of the milkman? You gotta kill him and kill him good. And then you gotta go to the store for your stuff from then on."
Cat Burglar,"Hey, ey uh,  you want me to do this, you gotta pay up front, kid!"
Cartman,"You'll get your money when you finish doing what I asked you, all right? Now as soon as I lock the door, just give me a few seconds to arm the system, then you break in and try to rape my mom. Okay? You got it?  Hello?"
Michael,This is Michael with Wolf Home Security. Is everything all right?
Cartman,"Uh, no, a man just broke into our house and he's about to rape my mom.  Go go, she's upstairs.  Hello, did you hear me? A rapist is here; he's white!"
Michael,"Oh-kay, should we contact the police?"
Cartman,Yes you should contact the fucking police! My mom is about to get fucking raped!
Michael,"Okay, we're contacting them now."
Cartman,"He's goin' up the stairs, dude, you'd better hurry!"
Michael,"Try and stay calm, the police are on their way."
Cartman,"Well that's nice, maybe they could bring some cigarettes and Gatorade, 'cause the guy's gonna be pretty wiped out!  The fuck?!"
UPS Man,"Hey there, misterrr Stotch. looks like another Amazon package."
Stephen,I know that what I feel for you is just some kind of spell.
UPS Man,...Sss-sorry?
Stephen,"Just let me sign.  All right, he's coming to you."
Voice,"Hell hello there, Mr. UPS man!"
UPS Man,What are you-?
Randy,You should have left our wives alone. Now let's go for a drive.
UPS Man,"Look, you can have whatever's in the back! Ih-ihit's all stuff from Amazon!"
Randy,"Oh no, pull in here."
UPS Man,"Just let me go, huh?"
Randy,"Oh, and then we'd miss out on all the fun!"
UPS Man,Aaawwgh!
Stephen,You should have never come to our town!
Stuart,"A man's wife is his life, Mr. UPS man."
Woman,Oh my God.
Man,Come on honey!
Randy,Thought we wouldn't find out???
Cartman,Who is there?
UPS Man,Please!
Cartman,"Oh?! Ohhh?!  Yes? Yeah, hello?"
Varashnu,"Hello, this is Varashnu wit Wolf Home Security."
Cartman,A man just broke into my house and is-  Varashnu? I didn't sign up to have some Indian guy call me- Are you even in the United States?!
Varashnu,"...Uh yes, I am in United States."
Cartman,"Oh, that is bullshit! Put your manager on!"
Varashnu,"Okay, hold on."
Cartman,Heh- hello?
Kevin,This is Kevin with Wolf Home Security. Is everything all right?
Cartman,"No, everything's not all right. How come a guy from India is calling me when my house is being broken into?!"
Kevin,We have alarms going off across the country fourteen times a minute. That takes a lot of employees manning phones.
Cartman,"Dude, I'm not paying all this money to have some guy on the other side of the Earth try and protect me!"
Kevin,"Sir, it doesn't matter where we call you from, we still contact the police in your neighborhood."
Cartman,"Oh really? Oh okay. Gosh I'm so relieved! Thanks. There's still just one little problem: How do you know I didn't break into this house, set off the alarm, and now I'm stalling by being upset about the Indian guy and have actually stolen a bunch of shit, raped my mom, and you people have done absolutely nothing about it?!"
Kevin,"I d-I d'uh... Wow, that just fucked my head."
Cartman,Yeah I just fucked your head and the UPS guy just fucked my mom!
Sgt. Yates,"All right, quiet down people, please! Quiet!  I know you're all worried about your families' security. All I can tell you is that so far, Bane has not been caught."
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, what are we supposed to do? I mean if Bane is out there on the loose then none of us are safe. One Bane's bad enough, but apparently we got like, like seven Banes? Uhkay?"
Gerald,And what do we tell our kids?! We can't leave them in the dark!
Randy,Wouldn't be the only ones in your family completely in the dark.
Gerald,What?
Randy,Huh? Nothing.
Sgt. Yates,Now listen! There's nothing more we can do to protect your homes. But there's someone here who says he can.
Security Agent,"Hello folks, we're more than happy to get your homes safe and secure. Now, you're gonna be wanting monitors on all your doors and windows, motion detectors in the living areas, and I would also recommend you all get our newest personal security system to make sure your wives are safe outside the home."
Randy,"Whoawhoa, wait, wait. What do you mean?"
Spokesman,"Protecting your home and your family is hard enough! But sometimes alarms on your doors and windows aren't enough! A new security system allows not only for your doors and windows to be monitored, but your fear levels as well.  A security system that is actually inside you. It's called IN-security."
Husband,We'll never forget the day we took our twin daughters to the beach.
Stranger,"Hehey, what cute twins."
Wife,Thanks.
Stranger,They're so adorable  that I'm gonna bash their fucking heads in!
Peter,This is Peter with INsecurity. Is everything all right?
Husband,A white man just tried to murder our twin girls.
Peter,I have a police car on their way with blankets and cocoa.
Husband,I only hope other have people have INsecurity to protect their families.
Shoe Salesman,"Well, how's the shoe fit, pal?"
Boy,I think it fits pretty good.
Shoe Salesman,"Well okayhehe, let's see if it fits better than this KNIFE THROUGH YOUR FUCKING SKULL, BASTARD?!"
Boy,Aaahh!
Mom,Hello?
David,This is David with INsecurity. Is everything all right?
Mom,"No, a while shoe salesman tried to murder my son."
David,Hold tight. Police are on their way with blankets and cocoa.
Spokesman,Don't let your family become another statistic. Have piece of mind with...  INsecurity.
Kyle,It just keeps getting worse. I see stuff from Amazon almost every day. My poor dad has no idea.
Stan,"You're gonna have to tell him, dude."
Kyle,I know...
Cartman,HaHA Kyle! Let's see you try and take my iPod headphones HOW!
Kyle,What?!
Cartman,"Just wanted you to know that if you wanna steal somebody's stuff, you should look elsewhere."
Kyle,"Nobody wants any of your stuff, you fat bitch!"
Cartman,"Oh, fat bitch, huh?!  Well it just so happens that this fat bitch has INsecurity now, Kyle, and so I'm protected from ALL you greedy little Jews until you and your people DIE OUT!"
Kyle,"The Jewish population isn't dying out, fatass! It's growing!"
Cartman,What?  Hello?
Marcus,This is Marcus with INsecurity. Is everything all right?
Cartman,"Yeah yeah no, false alarm. I, I just heard some troubling news and it set off my INsecurity."
Marcus,"All right, could I just get your password please?"
Cartman,"Yeah, it's um... it's uloveboobs."
Marcus,I love boobs?
Cartman,"No, ""uloveboobs."" Lower-case u love boobs."
Marcus,How did you know that?
Cartman,My password is uloveboobs!
Marcus,Oh oh I get it. That's pretty funny.
Cartman,"You, it's fucking hilarious! Now can you shut off my INsecurity please?!"
Marcus,"Sure, here you go."
Cartman,"Okay. So anyway, Kyle, you'd better watch ih-!  Kyle? God damn it."
Randy,"And then I had to drive to Walgreens, Barnes & Noble AND Ace Hardware. I tell you, having to go around and buy stuff again sucks."
Stuart,"Yeah, but at least we never have to deal with that UPS driver again."
Jimbo,He's back!
Stephen,What?!
Jimbo,I just came from Will Patterson's house! His mother got three packages from Amazon! And the UPS guy told her what he'd like to do to her!
Stephen,How?
Jimbo,He casually dropped this on his way out!
Randy,Oh my God!
Mechanic,"Didn't kill 'im, did ya?  Yea', I didn't think you had it in ya."
Randy,We scared him! We thought that'd be enough!
Mechanic,Milkman don't get scared. Not with free pussy at every doorstep.
Stephen,"Son of a bitch, it's him all right!"
Randy,This guy doesn't know when to quit!
Stephen,He's stopping at another house.
Mr. Black,Guess this guy's a lot tougher than we thought. Must be why our wives want him so bad.
Randy,"Sorry sorry, that's me.  Hello?"
Alvin,This is Alvin with INsecurity. Is everything all right?
Randy,"Yeah, sorry, false alarm. Pass phrase is tickle me homo.  It's a joke."
Kyle,"Mom, Dad, you've always taught me that being direct and honest is a basic Jewish tenet."
Sheila,"That's right, Kyle."
Kyle,"And that applies to all of us, doesn't it? Even though it's convenient to have things done for you, sometimes it's best to deal with it yourself."
UPS Man,"Uhh, hi, I got a delivery for ya?"
Kyle,"Yeah. Come in for a minute, would you?"
UPS Man,What?
Kyle,"Please? I need you to come sit down for a second.  So... Here we all are. Mom, do you want to tell Dad something?  Mom?"
UPS Man,What's going on?
Kyle,"You know God damned well what's going on! This ends right now! We are a family, and you need to go somewhere else!"
UPS Man,"Don't you think I want to?!  I hate this damned town! Every day, things just keep getting weirder around here, and I'm just about sick of it! Aaah!  Oh my God!  Hello?"
Brian,"This is Brian with INsecurity, is everything all right?"
UPS Man,No! They blew up my car! They blew up my car!
Brian,I'm sending help. Police are on their way with blankets and cocoa.
UPS Man,They're after me again! Do something!
Brian,"Ho- hold on one second, sir, I have another emergency coming in.  This is Brian with INsecurity, is everything all right?"
Cartman,"Yeah, no, false alarm again. I'm in the store and some fat bitch asked me if my dad likes cologne."
Gerald,What the hell's goin' on out here?!
Jimbo,"Stay out of this, Gerald! Some men care about what their wives are doing!"
Gerald,"What?! You don't even have a wife, Jimbo!"
UPS Man,Somebody answer me! You have to send help now!
Martin,"Sir, we are sending help. Just stay calm.  Hang on sir, this is Martin with INsecurity."
Randy,"Yeah, I'm thinking maybe Gerald's house is nicer than mine is."
Martin,"Hello, this is Martin with INsecu-"
Cartman,"God damn it I've had it with you people! When I signed up, I thought I was getting CSI guys protecting my ass, but all of you answering the phones are complete retards! Hello?"
Mike,This is Mike with INsecurity. Is everything all right?
UPS Man,Hello?!
Kyle,"Dude, come down here!"
UPS Man,AAAAH!  Uf.
Sgt. Yates,So you say this man killed himself because he was a psychopath who was forced to have sex with his mother?
Stephen,"Yes, we found that in his pocket."
Officer,"Sir, we found this in the closet upstairs?"
Gerald,"Yes, that's mine."
Randy,Yours? What?
Gerald,Give me that! What we do in our bedroom is our business!
Kyle,"Wait a minute, Dad was the UPS man?"
Gerald,"Uhh, Kyle, uh sometimes when people get older they need to play and pretend to keep things interesting. Iiit's just a way I can still be intimate with your mother without relying on silly sexual enhancement drugs."
The Men,Hello?
Randy,It's over. But you were wrong. We don't have to be afraid of Amazon. The only price to be paid for convenience is that we must be secure with ourselves.
Mechanic,"Yea'. Got yourselves some nice home security systems, don'tcha? Payin' a man to do your job of protecting your house. Only problem is, while you're out feelin' like your things are safe, that security man is fucking your wife."
Security Agent,"Doors and windows should be armed and your motion detectors are up and running, just call me whenever you need me back.  Ah! Who are you??"
Cartman,"It doesn't matter who we are, what matters is our plan. You should have respected my authoritay."
Security Agent,Hoo!
Cartman,FELLAS! Fellas!
Stan,What?
Cartman,You'll never guess what happened. Butters just beat up Scott Malkinson!
Kyle,Butters?  Why?
Cartman,"It was crazy! Scott was just talking about how he needed to take his insulin shot, and out of nowhere Butters said he's sick of people with diabetes feeling sorry for themselves. Scott told Butters to shut up and Butters just started whaling on him!"
Stan,You're talking about Butters.
Cartman,"Dude, I'm telling you! Butters beat the crap out of Scott, and then he locked himself in the bathroom!"
Stan,Butters?
Butters,Leave me alone!
Stan,"Butters, come out here."
Butters,"Get out of here, all of ya!"
Kyle,"Butters, people can't just go around beating up people who have diabetes! Now whatever your problem is, you just-"
Butters,"You just think you know everything, don't you Kyle?! Every little thing you gotta shoot your mouth off like you're the frickin' expert! Well you don't know everything because  your best friend is a kid who thinks the entire planet revolves around him and he only cares about HIS image!  You guys think Cartman is the only selfish piece of crap in this school? You're all fake and stuck up , and none of you have the courage to tell Jimmy that his jokes aren't funny!  The only kid here with any sense of dignity is Kenny, and the rest of you have your heads up your butts!"
Cartman,"Well. Apparently Kenny is Butters' best friend. You guys gonna make out, Kenny?"
Butters,And that's another thing! You're always trivializing everything I say by gettin' the last word! Well you're not gettin' the last word this time!
Cartman,...Wow.
Butters,Double wow!
Principal Victoria,"I'm sorry, but your son is distracting the other students and his attitude is just getting worse."
Stephen,"Butters, what on earth has gotten into you?!"
Butters,"I don't know, Dad, ah I was just pissed off, I guess!"
Linda,Do you think this behavior is fair to your teacher and classmates?!
Butters,"I don't suppose it is, but I don't give a darn!"
Stephen,"Do you have any idea how grounded you are about to be, mister?!"
Butters,"Why don't you shut up, Dad, and stick it in your ear, for cryin' out loud!"
Linda,"Stephen, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
Stephen,Yes. Our little Butters is flowering. He has reached the age of panua.
Principal Victoria,Eh-excuse me?
Stephen,"Principal Victoria, this isn't Butters' fault."
Butters,It's not?!
Stephen,It has to do with... biology.  You've... maybe noticed that Butters isn't... exactly like other kids.
Butters,Yeah?
Stephen,You probably think Butters seems somehow... different.
Butters,"Hey yeah, all the time."
Stephen,It's because he is.  His mother and I... his whole family were... we're not of this place.
Principal Victoria,"Ah I'm sorry, I really don't understand."
Stephen,"Please, just try to understand that for our people it's a very private matter. He can't be helped by your discipline; this must be dealt with by his own kind. If it's all right with you, we'd like an extended leave for our boy. Please. It's a cultural thing."
Linda,"I don't want him to go, Stephen, he's too young!"
Stephen,"It's our people's way, Linda, you know that better than I do!"
Linda,Then we can go with him.
Stephen,You know that's not allowed!
Butters,Will somebody tell me what the frickity fookshmere is goin' on?!
Stephen,"Butters, you've reached the age where you must journey to your birthplace for the ceremony of hapa noa."
Butters,Uhbu-but I'm from here.
Stephen,"No. We moved here just before you started pre-school. You were born in our native land, Butters.  A distant and very secluded island world called... Hava'i."
Butters,We're from Hawaii?
Stephen,"Only haoles pronounce it Hawaii, Butters, but those of us from Hava'i are a very special people. We have many customs and traditions to keep our culture alive.  We drink chi-chi's from the coconut. We eat poke that the Safeway provides. And when we've chosen a mate, we marry at the fern grotto, as your mother and I did so... very long ago. As a Stotch, Butters, you are actually Hawaiian royalty. Your grandma and grandpa were there at the time of the King."
Butters,But what does being Hawaiian have to do with me acting like an emo chick on her period?
Stephen,"Not an emo chick on her period, Butters. Like a salmon needing to swim back upriver. All Hawaiians feel it. It is called ""hapahui apahoha"", and it means it's now your time to make your trip to our island home. You must do your walkabout to your homeland, Butters. And you must do it alone.  Take this, son. It is our Mahalo Rewards card. It will provide you with all you need. And now I must turn my back on you."
Cartman,"Holy shit balls! Holy shit balls! Guess what, you guys? Holy shit balls."
Kyle,What?
Cartman,Butters just got on a bus with his backpack and said he's going to Hawaii.
Stan,Hawaii?
Cartman,"He said he had to go back to his homeland, and then told me it was none of my business and to keep my fat mouth shut."
Kyle,"Dude, what the hell? Somebody's gotta stop him."
Stan,"After all the things he said to us, he can go ahead."
Kyle,"Kenny, you're clearly his best friend. Go stop him."
Kenny,(I'm not his best friend.)
Cartman,"Yeah, Mr. Perfect, go rescue Butters so he can lick your balls some more."
Kenny,"(Butters, come on.)"
Butters,"They won't let me on the plane. Why, I can't do anything right!  No, no! I have to go to Hawaii, Kenny! I have no idea what's waiting there for me, but I guh, I can't go on like this!"
Kenny,"(Excuse me, he needs to go to Hawaii.)"
Teller,"I already told him, I can't allow anyone on the aircraft who appears to be intoxicated."
Butters,"I'm not intoxicated, you skank! I'm just ""deligerent"" because of my hapanuanalua!"
Kenny,"(Please, could you just let him on the plane? It's really important. Please?)"
Teller,"Tell you what: there's plenty of points on his Mahalo Rewards card. If you wanna fly with him, I can let him go."
Kenny,(Me?)
Butters,Can't you see I'm in horrible pain?! Do you have any idea what-?!
Kenny,"(Okay, okay! I'll go.)"
Butters,"Well, we're here, now what do I do?"
Officer,Can I help you with anything?
Butters,"Uh yeah, I uh, I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go?"
Officer,"Okay, were you wit a cruise ship or land tour group?"
Butters,"Oh, ah, I'm not a tourist. I'm a native Hawaiian."
Blond Man,Butters Stotch?
Butters,Yeah?
Blond Man,"Welcome home, young keiki. Your parents said you would be coming for your ceremony.  Ah- uh, who's this?"
Butters,"Oh thi-this is my friend, Kenny."
Older Woman,"Butters, native Hawaiians don't really approve of haoles coming to their ceremonies."
Butters,"Oh please, i-if it weren't for him I couldn't have come."
Blond Man,"Very well, we shall speak with the chief of our island and see. Come now."
Butters,You folks are all native Hawaiians too?
Older Man,"Yes. My wife Patty and I have been coming to Kaua'i for almost five years, and Bill and Donna actually own a time share in Poipu."
Donna,"Yes, but Poipu is getting pretty overrun with tourists, I'm afraid."
Blond Man,Let us eat.
Older Man,"Oh yea, let us eat.  Aloha, five order of saimin, please."
Butters,"What's ""saimin""?"
Patty,It's one of the foods of our people.
Older Man,"Oh, I get 20% off, I'm a native. Here's my Mahalo Rewards card.  Mahalo.  Come on, you frickin' tourist! Jesus, buy a post card!  These are the ancient ruins of our ancestors.  They say the spirit of the king is still in there."
Blond Man,You must stay away from this place. It is kapu.
Brunet Man,"Kapu. that means ""taboo"",  especially to haoles!"
Older Man,"Uh that there is Bubba's Burgers.  In Havai'i us natives say ""Bubba's Bruk"".  Here's the Sheraton, just another megahotel for the throngs of tourists. Here's where many of us natives live. The Sheraton Residences.  It's all right, we're natives.  Protector and Chief, I present to you the keiki, Butters Stotch."
Chief,"Ah, Stephen and Linda's child. Last time I saw you, you were the size of a coconut. Who's the haole?"
Kenny,"My dearest friends.I am living amongst the natives in the remote and tiny island of Kava'i. What can I tell you of this mysterious island and its people? It is a place of wonder, and yet to the outsider like me, a place of odd tradition. The people here are peaceful and joyous, and seem to care little for the rush and worry of the outside world. Their diet is mostly an odd mixture of coconut milk, pineapple juice, and vodka, which they call the chi-chi. As for Butters, he is quickly learning the ways of his ancestors, and seems to be feeling better with every passing day. He still seems quite angry at times, but luckily his ceremony will finally take place on the morrow."
Stan,"""On the morrow""? What the fuck is wrong with Kenny?"
Kenny,"To wit, I have found nothing wrong with this remote place, and I must admit it will be with some melancholy that I will leave this island and return home.I saw this chick in a bikini on the beach too. She had the nicest boobs ever.Humbly yours, Kenneth."
Chief,"In the time-honored traditions of our ancestors, we honor the native Hawaiian Butters Stotch with his hapa noa.  The shark-tooth necklace represents your connection to our island.  Now drink the chi-chi!"
Butters,"Whoa, it's like gasoline!"
Chief,"Drink, young keiki, and you will feel the last of your aggression melt away."
Butters,"Hey, uh now I do feel butter, uh better."
Chief,"O spirits of ancestors, we ask that you bless this native Hawaiian with his hapa noa! We ask that you-"
Blond Man,"Listen!  Listen everyone! I have terrible, horrible news!"
Chief,Do you realize that you are interrupting a hapa noa?
Blond Man,I've just come from the front office! The Mahalo Rewards card is...
Chief,What?! What has happened? Speak!
Blond Man,The Mahalo Rewards card is being eliminated! They're trying to say our points are... are... no longer going to be accepted.
Chief,I knew one day it would come to this.
Patty,To what? What does this mean?
Chief,The haoles are trying to do away with us.
Resident 1,"With no rewards program, there will be no distinction between who's a native to this island and who isn't!"
Resident 2,Why can't you people respect our island? Why do you always want nore?!
Chief,"I'm sorry keiki, your hapa noa will have to wait! For we must unite together as never before! It is time to show the haoles that this is our island!"
Chief,"Stop ruining our island, haoles! FIRE!"
First Mate,What are they doing?
Chief,Take a swing! Let them know they are not welcome!
Butters,I've never done this before.
Chief,It's all right. Just try to tap into that anger that's inside you.
Butters,Aim... my anger! Stupid  Ben Affleck!  Waaah!
Man,Hold on!  Hold on!
Woman,Oh I can't! I can't! I can't hold on!
Man,I love you! I love you!
Woman,No! I love you! I love you back!
Announcer,This is breaking news!
Anchor,"An insurrection in the Hawaiian Islands has escalated to war! After sinking a cruise ship, the natives of Kauai continue to go berserk, forcing all tourists off their island."
Man 1,They just pushed us onto airplanes and said we weren't welcome anymore!
Woman 1,Then a little boy called me a skank.
Anchor,"The President says he will send the Coast Guard to take the island back, though he sympathizes, being a native Hawaiian himself.  Hm."
Chief,Are all the tourists gone from our island?
Resident 3,All but a few who are hiding out at Duke's Restaurant. We sent Bob and Trisha Turner to smoke them out.
Resident 4,What about him?
Kenny,(What about me?)
Resident 4,He's a tourist and he knows everything! We have to kill him!
Butters,"No! Kenny's my friend! He's the only kid at school I actually like, you buncha jerks!"
Chief,"Be careful young keiki, your anger still controls you because we were not able to finish the ceremony. Perhaps we should finish it now."
Resident 4,"Finish his ceremony?! We are at war, David! I have lived on this island for ten years. Ten years! Every July and part of August! And I can tell you all that what we are about to face from the haoles is nothing short of genocide!"
Resident 5,"He's right, David. We can't trust any tourists."
Butters,"He won't betray us! Will you, Kenny?!"
Kenny,"(No, I'm not going to fucking betray anybody!)"
Resident 6,Then let him prove himself! Trial by opahika'a!
Chief David,He's only a child!
Resident 4,"If he wants to be one of us, then he must face the challenge!"
Chief David,Very well.
Blond Man,This isn't right! He's not a native! He's gonna get killed!
Butters,"Kenny, be careful!"
Chief David,Quiet. He must face this challenge alone.
Resident 1,By the gods! Perhaps he has the heart of a native after all!
Resident 4,He still has yet to make the turn!
Residents,Hohhh!
Resident 7,That's pretty good.
Kenny,(Whoops!)
Butters,Kenny!
Residents,Awwwww.
Resident 4,I told you a haole couldn't do it!
Chief David,Did you make the turn your first try? Did any of us?
Resident 8,"Don't worry, Butters, your friend will find a way back to his kind. The gods will protect him."
Chief David,"We have called for this great meeting because if we are to survive this war, all the native Hawaiian tribes must join as one!"
Resident 9,We're not joining the people of the Hyatt Grand Vacations! They have no rights to call themselves natives!
Vacationer 1,Oh and you do?! Your ancestors came on an airplane six months ago! Our ancestors sailed here! On a cruise ship! Nine months ago!
Chief David,"Look, if we are to fight the haoles, we have to allow all natives to say!"
Canyoner,"It doesn't matter how many tribes we have, we can't win! We are but a few against the haole's military might! We may have passion, but passion does not win wars!"
Chief David,"Oh no? Come up here, keiki. Come on.  This child sunk a cruise ship by himself! Tell them keiki."
Butters,"Well I don't know about the rest of ya, but I'm sick and tired of bein' pushed around all the time! I came all the way down here for my hapa noa ceremony, and I can't even have it, 'cause the fucking haoles have to ruin everything!"
Resident 9,Yeah!
Vacationer 1,Screw them!
Butters,"Well if you ask me, the only good haole is a dead haole! With a, with a stick up his butthole, and his wiener cut off! Rraahhhh!"
Chief David,Let us make a pact with more chi-chis!
Resident 10,"Um, we're... we're out of chi-chis."
Resident 11,"Oh, right, we've closed off all the ports."
Resident 12,"But they're still letting vodka through, right? Uh... they can't cut off our chi-chis."
Chief David,...Oh my God.
Captain,"This is the U.S. Coast Guard! We have instructions to take you by force, if necessary!"
Chief David,Ready? Fire!
Captain,Fire.
Chief David,Arm the bocce balls!
Captain,God damn it.
Chief David,Keep fighting! Stand your ground!
Resident 4,We can't fight without chi-chis!
Chief David,You can and you MUST!
Butters,Stupid! Greedy! Haoles! Kill! Them! All!
The King,"Come on, come on.  You know what chi-chis are, right?"
Chief David,"Listen everyone, we gave it all we had. It's over. We must go down to Nowiliwili Harbor, and surrender to the American government."
Butters,"Surrender?! No, the heck with that!"
Resident 4,We can't hold out here any longer!
Butters,"Well I won't do it, you hear me?! I'm not licking anybody's... testes!"
Chief David,"Young keiki, try to control your anger."
Butters,"No! This is our home! And I'm sick of everyone who thinks they're better than me just 'cause they've got good looks, and just 'cause, even after massacring Daredevil, they happen to come back and hit a home run that everyone likes! You shouldn't be able to be good-looking and be with Jennifer Lopez and be a good director!  All right all right fine! Argo is a good movie! There, I admitted it! I told people that it didn't hold up, but it holds up god darn it! Ben Affleck has everything, GRAGH!"
Resident 13,"Everyone! Look, I say!"
Resident 14,The haole did it!
Kenny,"My dear friends of the mainland,What adventures I have found on the tiny island of Kava'i. I have truly become one with the natives, who found new courage to fight their oppressors."
Chief David,We are not surrendering today! Go back and tell your leaders that we will fight them until the end!
Captain,"You people just don't give up, do ya?"
Kenny,"The American government finally gave in to the natives and had the Mahalo Rewards cards reinstated. Our two cultures, it appears, will once again live in peace."
Kenny,"With the war at an end, our Butters is able to have his hapa noa ceremony. And with any help from the gods, become his old cheery self again."
Chief David,"And so it is with great honor that we recognize these two natives with their hapa noa. Take your cards, boys.  Apuiloa hapnanoaha! Hapa'a'a hohaaa!  It's finally over, young keiki. Is your anger at rest?"
Butters,"Yeah, I guess so. Except it still doesn't change the fact that Ben Affleck gets to be handsome, talented, and then gets to go home and kiss Jennifer Lopez."
Resident 15,"Ben Affleck isn't with Jennifer Lopez anymore, he's married to Jennifer Gardner."
Residents,"Yeah, it's true, uh huh."
Butters,"What? Really? But I thought I was totally jealous of him. He's just married to Jennifer Gardner? Oh my God, I feel so much better."
Kenny,(You do?)
Butters,"Yeah, ogh, I like that Ben Affleck guy. He's a good filmmaker. Come on, Kenny, I guess I owe the kids at school an apology.  Did you see Argo, Kenny? It's a pretty good movie. Ben Affleck has a lot goin' for him. Not everything, but a lot. Whoopie!"
Randy,Hellooo family!  Who wants champagne?
Sharon,"Randy, what is all this?"
Randy,"It's finally happened, Sharon!  I did it!  Here you are, my lady. A brand new leather coat, pour vous."
Sharon,"Oho, Randy, it's beautiful!"
Randy,"And some gifts for the kids too. After all, we're rich now."
Stan,We're rich?
Shelly,Finally.
Sharon,"Randy, are you being serious?"
Randy,I just wanted to wait until the deal was all finished. We are going into business for ourselves! You are all looking at the new owner of Blockbuster Video!
Stan,Blockbuster Video?
Randy,"Last week, I saw it was up for sale. On a fluke I asked how much. $10,000! Can you believe it?! We have the entire business! And we can watch movies whenever we want! Come on, you guys wanna see it?"
Randy,"You're gonna love it, Sharon. It is in pristine condition."
Sharon,I just wish you'd have talked to me before spending all our money.
Randy,"Sharon, it was $10,000 for the entire place! It wasn't gonna last! Don't worry, we'll make the money back in a week. Guaranteed. You excited, Stan?"
Stan,"Huh? Sorry, I'm watching a movie on my iPad."
Randy,Well? There she is.  It's a new beginning for us!
Shelly,I don't wanna go in there.
Randy,Shelly come on!
Randy,"Can you believe it? Completely turnkey!  Yo got your sci-fi, comedies, buddy flicks, chick flicks, all on Blu-ray or DVD!  Well, what do you think?"
Stan,It's awesome. You should try to get it on that Ancient Civilizations show so that people can see how cultures used to live.
Randy,"Oh hahahaha, I get it. Blockbuster is so out of date it's ancient. Haha Sharon, okay I get it."
Sharon,I didn't say anything.
Randy,"You were thinking it. But you're wrong. The average person still wants to rent movies they can hold in their hands. We're gonna have customers up our ass Sharon, UP OUR ASS."
Randy,"How many uh, how many copies of Meet The Fockers do we have in stock, Shelly?"
Shelly,"Six.  We still, have, SIX."
Randy,"Okay good, that's... that should that should be good... Shelly."
Boy,"Go get it, Fillmore!"
Fillmore,"No way, I ain't goin' nere that place. Yeeeyou go get it."
Randy,"Hey, you kids lookin' to rent some DVDs?"
Boy,What's he talkin' about rentin' a divadee?
Randy,Oh I get it. Blockbuster's so old it's creepy! Haha! Nobody rents movies anymore!  People just don't know we're open yet!
Fillmore and Friend,AAAAAH!
Randy,Little fucking pricks.
Randy,"Hello, welcome to Blockbuster!  Can I help you find something?"
Shopper,I can't find...  Turner & Hooch.  Where's Turner & Hooch?
Randy,"Oh, ah, I believe we have that over in the uh-"
Shopper,Aahh...
Randy,"Oh. Oh I get it!  Video stores are so old they have ghosts in them! Okay, thanks! I get it! But you're wrong!"
Ghost,"Emily?  Emily, the war is over! Let's go rent a movie at Blockbuster!"
Randy,"Hahaha, haha! You can be a spooky ghost all you want, it wasn't a stupid idea to buy this place!"
Ghost,"The hounds are calling, Emily. Let's rent something now!"
Randy,"I'll have you know that Netflix, Hulu, and Crackle still don't make the money Blockbuster does! Streaming movies is not for everyone!"
Ghost,"The hounds, Emily! The hounds!"
Randy,"Go ahead! All you want, bro! All you want! It was a great idea, but no! Everyone just wants to prove that Rrrandy's gone crazy!  ""Oh don't mind Randy, he's just losing his mind!""  Drrrr! You know what? Fuck you and Emily!"
Stan,I think something might be wrong with Dad?
Sharon,Ya think?
Butters,Oh hey Eric and Kenny. You guys don't have costumes?
Cartman,We're actually on our way over to Kyle's because our costumes are so multi-faceted and cool we have to put them on together.
Kenny,(Yeah.)
Cartman,"Uhhh what are you supposed to be, Butters?"
Butters,"I'm a wereprechaun. You know, a leprechaun that's been bitten by a werewolf. And Jimmy's Gangnam Style."
Jimmy,"Wop. Wop, Wop wop, Wopwop Gangnam Style."
Cartman,"Yyeah, really cool, guys. You'll be some stiff compettion at the costume contest for sure."
Butters,Come on! What are you guys goin' as?
Cartman,You'll just have to wait and see.
Sharon,I think that's good. Feel tight enough?
Stan,"Yeah, it's awesome! Thanks, Mom."
Sharon,Let's see the shield.
Stan,"Put down the blue orby thing, Red Skull!"
Sharon,Yehay!
Randy,"Hey, whoa, what are you doing?"
Sharon,Stan's about to go out with his friends.
Randy,"Nono, I need everybody tonight!  It's our big night!"
Sharon,For what?!
Randy,"Agh! It's Halloween! Everyone rents scary movies on Halloween! I'm sorry Stanley, but I need your help here!"
Shelly,God I hate this family!
Sharon,"Randy, let him go trick-or-treating."
Randy,You guys don't understand. We're doing a big Halloween promotion! I've put up flyers and I've got apple-bobbing  and candy corn . This is the night we turn it all around.
Stan,"Dad, nobody's gonna come."
Randy,"Oho you'll see! I'm sorry, Stan, but in about thirty minutes this place is gonna be swamped with people trying to rent DVDs!"
Stan,Renting DVDs is more ancient than Madonna's boobs!
Randy,"Ew!  That's enough, Stanley! Ew, gross!"
Stan,"I can't go trick-or-treating! My dad says I have to stay and help with the store! Yes, I'm serious! I know it sucks, Kyle!"
Kyle,"Dude, you can't do this! How can we be the Avengers without Captain America?"
Stan,"I know, but there's nothing I can do."
Kyle,But what about the costume contest?!
Kenny,"What's going on, Kyle?"
Kyle,Stan can't come.
Cartman,Stan can't come?! But he's fucking Captain America!
Stan,I'm sorry you guys. My dad is doing a big Halloween promotion.
Kyle,Does anybody even go to Blockbuster anymore?
Stan,"No dude. Nobody. My dad... he's kind of losing it. To be honest, I feel kind of bad for him."
Randy,"Stan, get off the damned phone! People are gonna start callin' to reserve movies! Gau!"
Stan,"Oh never mind, I hate him again."
Kyle,"Dude, you can't miss Halloween! You have your iPad?"
Stan,Yeah.
Kyle,"Okay, I'm gonna go grab mine. I have an idea."
Kyle,"All right, where should we trick-or-treat first?"
Stan,"How about we try the Barkers? Oh, no, it looks like they're not home."
Cartman,"This is fucking ridiculous! We've been planning this Halloween for two months, and Stan has to go and ruin it!"
Kyle,He looks fine.
Stan,"Oh, let's go to the Petersons' house."
Cartman,"Yeah, he looks totally fine, except that when we walk up to a house, people are gonna be like, ""Oh wow, it's the Avengers, and some Captain FaceTime skateboard guy!"""
The Boys,Trick or treat.
Stan,Trick or treat.
Man 1,"Oh wuhow! Look honey, it's Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, and Bruce Vilanch."
Cartman,I'm not Bruce Vilanch!
Man 1,"Oh, what are you supposed to be? Oh  oh, right. You're supposed to be that um... uhhh..."
Cartman,The Incredible...
Man 1,"Right right, the incredibly Chaz Bono. Remember honey? Dancing with the Stars? The fat transsexual?"
Woman 1,"Ohhh, cute!"
Cartman,No not Chaz Bono! Do you see my skin?! I'm green!
Woman 1,The incredible Harvey Fierstein?
Man 1,"Nnoo, Harvey Fierstein's just gay and fat, honey. He's not green."
Cartman,"The person I'm dressed as is not fat, and not gay!"
Man 1,The incredibly fat and gay skinny straight man?
Cartman,JUST GIVE US SOME FUCKING CANDY!  It's Stan's stupid Captain America costume! That's what's throwing everybody off! How are people supposed to get that I'm the Hulk when Captain America is on freaking FaceTime?!
The Boys,Trick or treat.
Man 2,"Ohh wow, it's the Avengers!"
Cartman,That's right!
Man 2,"Oho, and Honey Boo Boo!  Kids, come see the green Honey Boo Boo costume!"
Girlfriend,"Oh, it's getting colder out."
Boyfriend,"Yeah, you can definitely tell that winter's coming.  What's the matter?"
Girlfriend,That old creepy place. I saw someone in the window there.
Boyfriend,"Come on, let's get out of here."
Randy,They'll come!  Sooner or later! They'll have to come!
Randy,"Wuhy? Why isn't anyone showing up?!  It's Halloween night! People should be renting spooky movies!  What's happened to the world? Things used to be so simple.  Good evening, fine sir! I would like to rent a movie!"
Ghost 2,"Of course, Mr. Marsh. What'll it be?"
Randy,I'll take a DVD of Robocop 2 and the director's cut of Blade Runner.
Ghost 2,Coming right up.
Randy,"No place like the video store, eh, my friend? Convenience at its peak."
Ghost 2,"Your son and wife don't seem to quite agree with you about the video store. In fact, your son seems to think video stores are... as ancient as Madonna's boobs?"
Randy,He's a... he's a very... progressive... little boy. Gets it from his mother.
Ghost 2,"If I may say so, Mr. Marsh, your Blockbuster will never get any customers with those two Negative Nancys sabotaging you. You may need to do something... rather extreme.  If I may say so, Mr. Marsh."
Stan,Trick or treat.
Ghost 2,"You are the owner of Blockbuster, Mr. Marsh.  You must be willing to do anything."
Randy,No! No I won't do it! Leave him out of this! He's just a little boy!  Hey Stan.
Kyle,"We still have an hour before the costume contest, so let's hit the house on the uh-"
Cartman,Dude dude dude! Check it out.
Stan,What? What's he doing?
Kyle,Somebody's breaking into that Kum & Go.
Cartman,"You guys, we've gotta stop it!"
Kyle,Yeah dude! We are the Avengers!
Stan,"Hey, where did you guys go?"
Kyle,"Oh, sorry dude."
Stan,"All right Avengers, what say we take this scumbag down?!"
Kenny,"Stan and Kyle, you take the back entrance. Cartman and I will block him from the side."
Cartman,Cartman SMASH!
Robber 1,"All right, the camera's out. Hurry up, you two!"
Robber 2,What the? You told me these things were full of money!
Robber 3,It's Halloween. I thought everyone would be renting spooky movies.
Kyle,For Odin! For Asgard!
Robber 4,Who are you?!
Cartman,"Oh crap, there's a bunch of them. Never mind.  Holy shit, they shot this guy."
Kyle,Oh my God!
Kenny,"Dude, fuck this. Let's bail!"
Robber 4,Get 'em!
Sharon,"Oh my gosh, that's so cute. And so what is little Monica wearing? Oho, I bet she's adorable.  No, we've just sort of been here for the most part. Yeah, are you guys staying in?  You're watching The Thing? Oh that's fun. On Netflix or Hulu? On your Xbox, uh huh. Yeah, no, at some point I'm hoping we can just call it a night and go home.  No, you don't need to send help. Thanks, though. Are you guys getting a lot of trick-or-treaters? Yeah? Oh really?  Oh, Barbara and Michael? Oh yeah. Uh huh. Ha-hang on a second Karen.  Can I help you with something?"
Randy,"According to industry experts, many rural areas don't have the bandwidth to support DVD-quality video in streaming services, and won't for years to come, making DVD rentals still the best movie-watching option."
Sharon,"Sorry, Karen, you were saying? No, it wasn't a customer. No, it's just Randy.  Yes, a customer would have been nice, I know."
Robber 1,God damn it those kids saw us! And you let them get away!
Robber 3,"It was the Avengers, Brad!"
Robber 2,"Hey, we caught one of them. We got him tied up in the back."
Robber 1,"All right, who were your friends?"
Stan,Just let me go! We're nobody! We didn't see anything! I pro-I promise!
Robber 2,He's lying. They saw everything!
Robber 1,Let's try this again.
Stan,"No! Dude, please! This is my best friend's iPad!  Noo! Okayokay, okay! Their names are Bruce, Tony, and Curt"
Robber 4,"Hey, one of them dropped this.  It's an invitation to a Monster Mash at the community center."
Stan,No no! We weren't gonna go there!
Robber 1,Sure you weren't!  Get rid of him!
Stan,"NO!  I won't say anything, I promise!"
Stan,What are you gonna do?  Please! Please just let me go! No!
Robber 3,"Sorry, kid. End of the line."
Stan,What the hell?  Shelly I need to use your cell phone.
Shelly,I can't find it. Somebody took it.
Sharon,"All right Randy, where are the car keys?!  Randy, where are the keys to the car?!  God damn it!"
Boyfriend,Did you have fun at the Halloween party?
Girlfriend,"I did. Thanks so much, Ben. And thanks for walking me home."
Ben,What's the matter?
Girlfriend,What is that?
Ben,Whaht is what?
Girlfriend,"Somebody dumped a... Oh my God, Ben, it's a little boy!  Hello?  Are you okay? Little boy?"
Stan,"Huh? Wha? ...Oh, oh hello? Who is that?"
Girlfriend,It's okay. Try and stay calm.
Stan,"Oh, ah thank God you found me."
Ben,What is he doing way out here?
Stan,You have to get me to my friends! They aren't safe!
Kyle,"And then we ran out of the Kum & Go and these guys, th-they took our friend."
Sgt. Yates,Sounds like you're talking about the Red Box killers. They've murdered over a dozen people trying to get the cash from Red Boxes.
Cartman,Oh my God. You mean they don't know people can stream movies cheaper and more conveniently online?
Sgt. Yates,Apparently not. These are dangerous guys. Do you have any idea where they were headed?
Officer,"Sir, there's a kid over at the hospital saying he saw everything."
Stan,They said they were heading to the big party at the community center. You have to stop it. My friends are in trouble.
Kyle,Stan!
Stan,"Guys, you're okay!"
Kyle,What happened to you?
Stan,"It's all right, just a scratch."
Cartman,"Hey, this means we can still make the costume contest, you guys!"
Stan,"No! They're looking for you there!  Sir, you've got to cancel the Monster Mash."
Sgt. Yates,"What?! Are you crazy?! We can't cancel the Monster Mash, it's Halloween Night! It's the Monster Mash's biggest night of the year!"
Officer 2,The Monster Mash is only on Halloween.
Kyle,"Dude, if these guys are as bad as you say, then we have to do something!"
Stan,"Yeah, people are gonna get hurt."
Sgt. Yates,How many people at the Monster Mash?
Officer 3,"Most of the town, sir. It's a graveyard smash."
Officer 4,"Look, whatever we do, we'd better hurry. It gets on in a flash."
Sgt. Yates,You boys say you can identify the Red Box thieves?
Kenny,Yes. We saw their faces.
Sgt. Yates,All right then. We're gonna have to send one of you into the party in disguise.
Butters,"That sure is a great Gangnam Style costume, Craig. I'm a wereprechaun. You know, a leprechaun that has been bitten by a werewolf.  Oh wow! Nice costume, Stan. It's Gangnamstein!"
Stan,"Shhh. Don't say my name, Butters. I'm here undercover."
Butters,"Okay, Stan. Enjoy the Monster Mash."
Stan,Oops.
Man 3,Gaaah!
Stan,"Hey, be careful in there."
Officer 3,Sorry. I can't see a thing in here.
Stan,"It's all right. Let's go straight. Now turn left. Okay, now go about ten steps."
A Banana,"Wow, Gangnamstein. I wish I'd have thought of that."
Randy,"Stan?! Daddy wants to have a little talk, Stan! Stanny boy?! I'M COMING!  Oh look, Wedding Crashers.  What are you doing, Shelly?"
Shelly,"Nothing, Dad. Go back to killing the family."
Randy,"Okay.  STAN!  STANNY BOY, I'M COMIN'!"
Mr. Mackey,"Hokay everyone, it's time to start the costume contest. m'kay."
Stan,Wait a minute. There they are!
Mr. Garrison,There's who?
Stan,"Listen everybody, those guys right over there are-"
Randy,Who are you people?! You aren't real!
Officer 3,"Hey hay, I can't see! Where do I go?"
Randy,Do you think I'm crazy for buying Blockbuster?! I'll make you pay! Alluh! All!  I got a little somethin' for all of you!  Run! You'd better run!
Randy,Waaarg! Look at the people watching movies on their Xbox. Haarrrr!
Family,HAAAAA!
Randy,Haarrrr!
Randy,Raaaawr!
Boys,AAAAA!
Randy,Streaming Halloween 4! Hahaha!
Boys,AAAAA!  AAAAA!
Randy,AAAAA!  AAAAA!
Sgt. Yates,FIRE!
Randy,"Arrrg!  Hey, what are you doing?!"
Stan,"It's mine, Dad, get your own! What the hell's going on?!"
Sgt. Yates,We got the sonofabitch!
Officer 5,"Wait, wasn't that Peterson in there?"
Sgt. Yates,"Well, I hope you guys have learned that crime doesn't pay."
Robber 1,Not with the convenience of online streaming it don't.
Butters,Kyle! Kyle! It's Stan! He's dying.
Kyle,Stan?
Stan,Hey dude.
Kyle,The judging's almost done. You're gonna make it.  Oh God.  SOMEBODY GET ME A CHARGER!  Hold on Stan! Don't die on us!
Stan,"It's okay Kyle, It's okay. Hit OK.  You guys go win that costume contest. You can do it. Lift the trophy for me."
Kyle,You're gonna see it.  WILL SOMEBODY GET ME A GOD DAMNED CHARGER?
Stan,"Just have a good Halloween, you guys. And Kenny?"
Kenny,"Yeah, Stan?"
Stan,Stay gold.
Randy,"Stan?! I'm comin'! I'm comin', Stan!  Stan!"
Sharon,"I spoke with the insurance company.  They said we can get some of our money back. Not all of it, but some. You wanna go home? Get changed? Take a shower?"
Randy,No...
Sharon,You wanna just sit here a little more and be frozen?
Randy,Yeah...
Sharon,You want me to bring you some McDonald's?
Randy,Okay...
Sharon,What do you want from McDonald's?
Randy,Chicken nuggets... and fries... sweet and sour sauce... and a Hi-C Orange.
Pharmacist,Next please.  You are sure you want to do this?
Man,Of course I'm sure!
Pharmacist,"Okay, roll up your sleeve."
Cartman,I can't believe we all got duped. I've been wearin' this stupid things for months! I feel like such a tool.
Clyde,Lying jerk!
Pharmacist,Hold still please.
Mr. Mackey,"I don't know what to believe in anymore, okay?!"
Cartman,"All right, let's do this! Make me believe in something that's bullshit, will you?!  Oh, hold on.  Aah, let's see... that one.  Stupid fraud!  Good riddance to YOU!"
Man 2,"All right, I'm next! I'm next! Get this thing off of me!"
Kyle,Did you do it?
Cartman,"Yep, it's done. You know I spent five bucks on that stupid thing?!"
Kenny,(I told you it was a bad idea.)
Cartman,"Oh don't even start, Kenny! Just because you guys didn't buy into the bracelets doesn't mean you're smarter than me, okay?!  What's wrong with him?"
Randy,Oh I feel like such an idiot.
Stan,"It's all right, Dad."
Randy,"But I wore that wristband everywhere, and the guy's a complete phoney!  There's even more coming out about it today."
Anchor,"These latest tests are once again confirming that the performance-enhancing drug HGH was in the body of Christ at the time of crucifixion. All over the country people are having their ""What Would Jesus Do"" wristbands cut off. It was just last week a team of scientists found traces of HGH on the Shroud of Turin  , along with several other illegal compounds and painkillers."
Lead Scientist,"Without a doubt there was uh HGH in the body of Christ at the time of crucifixion. Jesus did not suffer for our sins, he was in fact very high."
Randy,All the years of being told somethin'. It's just so unfair!
Anchor,Priests and bishops have been working overtime to remove Jesus from the record books and from The Last Supper.
Randy,I know people that paid ten bucks for those bracelets. I bet they all feel pretty stupid now.
Butters,"Yeah, and so, and so then, I asked Preacher, ""Well, what about the New Testament?"""
Cartman,Uh huh.
Butters,"And he says, ""Well you still should oughta read it, but you're gonna need to put an asterisk next to Jesus' name whenever it comes up."""
Cartman,"So weak dude. Dark times, brah, dark times.  Dude, what the hell? You're wearing a ""What Would Jesus Do"" bracelet!"
Stan,"All right all right, I got it a few weeks ago. Big whoop."
Cartman,"The big whoop isn't that you have one, the big whoop is that you're still wearing it!"
Butters,"Yeah, Stan. Didn't you hear Jesus did all his miracles on drugs?"
Stan,Yeah I know.
Cartman,"Well don't you care?! Jesus Asterisk Christ, Stan! People are feeling really cheated by all this!"
Mr. Mackey,Wuughhhuh. Where do I go? What do I do?
Craig,"Cartman's right. If you care about fairness, Stan, then you really have to lose the bracelet."
Stan,"Look I just don't want to, you guys. Honestly, it's not that big a deal."
Announcer,It's the Charlie Rose show. Here's Chuck.
Charlie Rose,"We are here tonight with the only person in America who still wears his ""What Would Jesus Do"" wristband. Please welcome Stan Marsh."
A Voice,Dick!
Charlie Rose,"Stan, after everything that's come out, after all the facts have been proven, why do you still wear the wristband?"
Stan,"I don't know,  I just like it."
Charlie Rose,You just like it.
Stan,"Yeah. I donno. I've had it a long time, I just don't feel like cutting it off."
Charlie Rose,"Well joining us now is just one of the billions of people who think that anyone who still wears their ""What Would Jesus Do"" wristband is doing all of society a disservice. Chris Martin you say that Stan Marsh is... a dick?"
Chris Martin,"Yeah, yeah, thanks Charlie. My problem with this kid is he doesn't care about the truth! Okay, if Jesus rose from the dead with the help of drugs, that's fine, but then he went on to say it was a miracle, and that is where it became dangerous! What about the Incas?! What about the Aztecs?! Millions of people who were murdered in Jesus's name, and then Jesus turns out to be a fraud! Wearing that bracelet is a slap in the face to everyone!"
Charlie Rose,"What do you say about that, Stan?"
Stan,...I don't know.  I like it.
Charlie Rose,"All right, well we searched high and low to find my next guest who actually agrees with Stan Marsh, and thinks he's doing the right thing. Please welcome a retarded fish.  Now, Retarded Fish, you don't see any problem at all with someone keeping their bracelet"
Chris Martin,"That that's because, that's because you're a retarded fish, and you don't know any better! What about the Crusades?! The Inquisitions?! How many people were tortured to death for somebody who is a fake?!"
Charlie Rose,"What about the Crusades, Stan? Soes that enter into your decision at all?"
Stan,"No, I just, I don' know. No."
Charlie Rose,"Anything to add, Retarded Fish?"
Retarded Fish,"Nnno, No, I'm good. Thank you."
Mr. Mackey,"Stan! Hey Stan, can I talk to you?  Listen, Stan, ah I just wanna tell you... You've really been an inspiration m'kay?"
Stan,I have?
Mr. Mackey,"Yeah. You know, I can't believe in Jesus anymore, 'cause he's a damned fraud, so what I'm gonna believe in is just bein' me, and bein' independent like you. So what I did is I got this brown bracelet to remind me of standing my ground, uhkay? And just believin' in the cause of bein' me."
Stan,You're wearing a bracelet to think of me?
Mr. Mackey,Oh I'm not the only one. There's lost of people doin' it.  Hey Butters. Stand ground.
Butters,"Stand ground, Mr. Mackey!"
Mr. Mackey,"Anyway, thanks Stan. And... you know, just keep on, keep on standing your ground, okay?"
Stan,"You're wearing a brown bracelet, Butters?"
Butters,Well yeah.  It helps remind me that I shouldn't back down anymore when I feel pressure from other people. I just got really moved when I saw what did for all those farmers in Belarus.
Stan,...Farmers in where?
Worker,"Move aside, farmers! This land is no longer yours!"
Farmer,We will not move aside! We will stand our ground!  Like the child on the Charlie Rose show!
Stan,"Dude, where are people getting all the brown wristbands?"
Butters,I donno. I got mine down at 7-11.  See? Right here.
Clerk,"Hello, you interested in the Stanground braceleh-OH! Wow, it's you!  Stanground, brah!"
Stan,"Wow, this is happening so fast."
Steve Nelson,"Hello Stan, Steve Nelson with Endorsement Management. Are you ready for your Nike commercial?"
Stan,"My friends told me I was crazy,  that I was wasting my time.  But my cause is to stand my ground.  When others sat, I kept my bracelet on, because I stand...  for standing."
Waiter,Would you like to be seated?
Stan,No thanks. I'll stand.
Moviegoer,"Hey, you wanna siddown?"
Stan,I'm good.
Flight Attendant,"Sir, the captain has asked everyone to take their seats."
Stan,"Tell the captain to take off.  People ask me, ""You never took the bracelet off? Not once?""  No. Never. Not. Ever.  What do I do? I Stan ground."
Mr. Garrison,"Now, when Dr. Drew told Jeff Conway he was on a one-way street to nowhere, what tactics did he use to try and convince-?"
Lawyer,"Mr. Marsh, if you don't mine, we'd like to see your bracelet."
Stan,For what?
Lead Scientist,"If you have nothing to hide, then please hand it over, Mr. Marsh."
Kyle,What are you people talking about?
Field Reporter,"Are we good? We live? Tom, I'm here at South Park Elementary, where officials have barged their way in after reports of Stan Marsh of the Stanground Foundation did in fact at one point remove his yellow bracelet. Rumors have surfaced that Stan did not stan his ground as previously stated, and that the wristband is in fact superglued back together."
Lead Scientist,Please let us check your wristband for superglue.
Stan,No! This is stupid!
Butters,He's the one person who doesn't do stuff like that! Why don't you leave him alone!
Lead Scientist,"Are you afraid we might find glue on your bracelet, Mr. Marsh?"
Stan,No! I never cut if off!
Lead Scientist,"Then, let us ah-see it."
Jimmy,This is an outrage! Who out there is saying that our friend Stan is a liar?
Lead Scientist,"I cannot say, but he is a reliable and credible source who is of the utmost prestige."
Butters,Who?
Lead Scientist,"All right, it was Craig."
Cartman,Craig?! You asshole!
Stan,"What's the big idea, Craig?!"
Craig,"It just looked like you cut it off, that's all."
Stan,You got nothin' better to do than try and knock me down?! You can't just say anything you want about people!
Butters,"Ooo, look at him go, Stanning his ground!"
The Class,Yeah!
Stan,"You know what happens when you lie, Craig?! You hold that lie inside!"
Butters,Go Stan!
Stan,"And it grows and it grows, right in your balls, until they have to cut it out!"
Butters,"...A little unnecessary, but go Stan!"
Stan,"Go ahead and test it! Then let's just see what happens to this money-hungry, alcoholic prostitute!"
The Class,Yeah!
Butters,Prostitute!
Announcer,This is breaking news.
Anchor,"The tests are done and the results are in. The little boy who claimed he never cut off his ""What Would Jesus Do"" bracelet did cut it off, and lied about it."
Lead Scientist,"Not only did we find traces of ah-superglue, but of yellow magic ah-markeur as well. This is a dark ah-day for honest French-Swedish people everywheure."
Anchor,"Though the tests seem conclusive, Stan Marsh continues to deny any cheating."
Stan,Yeah.
Kyle,"Hey dude, people are kind of pissed off at you."
Stan,Thanks Kyle.
Kyle,You probably should come clean and tell the truth. Did you superglue your bracelet?
Stan,Why does it matter?!
Kyle,Because you kind of made it matter.
Stan,"You know, I'm just, I'm just through with this whole thing! I just, I can't put my family through any more of this!"
Kyle,S-so you did superglue it.
Stan,"Ugh, you know what's really sad?! That this is what matters to people! What nobody seems to remember are the farmers in Belarus! STANground is bigger than me! You wanna tell all those farmers in Belarus it's all bullcrap?!"
Kyle,"Dude, the sooner you eat your peas, the sooner you can try to win some of your friends back. Eh ya you need to Bill Clinton this."
Stan,"You really think I went through all that trouble, lying about my wristband and claiming to be something I wasn't, for what, Kyle?! For what?!  This is a witch hunt, dude! It's all that stupid French scientist! He's the fraud, and I'm gonna prove it!"
Wife,"Would you mind getting me some water, darling?"
Lead Scientist,Can't you see I'm trying to do ah-my calisthenics?
Wife,"But my throat is parched, dear, and I'm so scared of burglars."
Lead Scientist,"Is ah-tap water going to be okay, or do you want me to go down to Crystal Geyser and bring Her Highness some right from the spring?"
Wife,"Tap is fine, dear."
Wife,What was that? I could have sworn I saw something outside.
Lead Scientist,It's ah-your imagination
Wife,"Oh darling, could you change the channel for me? The remote is dead."
Lead Scientist,You just want me to change the channel or should I go and make a TV program written ah-just for you?!
Wife,"No, just change to channel 10, thanks."
Lead Scientist,It's ah-starting to feel like ah-The Carole Burnett Show in here.
Wife,What was that?! I think somebody's here!
Lead Scientist,Maybe it's ah-the peepee fairy so somebody can ah-take a peepee for you too.
Wife,Please I'm terrified. Please go check it out.
Stan,Jesus!
Jesus,Shhhh.
Stan,What are you doing here?
Jesus,"My child, the man who lives here has led a witch hunt to destroy my legacy. I am simply here to search for something I can use..."
Stan and Jesus,...to discredit him too.
Jesus,That's what I'm doing.
Lead Scientist,"Oh, it's ah-Tweedle Dumb and ah-Tweedle Dee trying to break in-ah-to my house!"
Stan,"Jesus, everyone is claiming you were using drugs to resurrect. Why didn't you say anything?"
Jesus,"Sometimes it is best to say nothing, my son."
Stan,"Yeah, I've been kind of seein' that."
Lead Scientist,"Ah-excuse me, I'm sorry to intrude, but do you want to please ah-leave or should I make you some kofel bread and ah-sausages?!"
Stan,It all just happened so fast. The next thing I knew I had a Nike commercial.
Jesus,"Yeah, I know how it goes."
Stan,"Everyone hates me now, and it isn't fair."
Jesus,"I know. I just feel like if people could see me in action again, they'd they'd realize I'm not a fraud."
Lead Scientist,"Here you go, kofel bread and some sausage for you."
Stan,"Thanks a lot.  Jesus, did you take HGH to do your miracles?"
Jesus,"NO! Pff! That's just... no! Okay? No. Everyone just lost their faith. Did you cut your wristband off, my son?"
Stan,"NO! Pff! No, that's no, okay? No. And anyway, it's not even the issue."
Jesus,"Pff, I know, right?"
Stan,"Pff it's like, that's here  and..."
Jesus,"Pfyeah and we're, like, you know, p-yeah, here."
Stan,"Pff, there's there's farmers in Belarus who are in a life and death struggle. THAT's what should be important!"
Jesus,"P-yeah! Instead of focusing on us, we need to get everyone focusing on what matters! Where's Belaruh-ruh-roos?"
Stan,Exactly! People don't even know where it is.
Jesus,"Maybe, if we could get people to care about it, then I could go and save it, and people would be stoked on me again!"
Stan,How can we raise awareness?
Jesus,We need to get some bracelets.
P.F. Pityef,"Welcome, welcome, to the P.F. Pityef Bracelet Factory. How can I be of service?"
Stan,"Well, we wanted to start a new movement, and we thought since your company makes all the bracelets..."
P.F. Pityef,"Ah, I see you're wearing one of our brown scauses already. Delightful. What color would you like your new scause to be?"
Stan,Our... scause?
P.F. Pityef,Well of course! You came for a scause to wear on your paws. And you want others to wear yours upon thaurs.
Jesus,I'm confused.
P.F. Pityef,"Hm. Perhaps I should start from the beginning. In the modern age there are those who believeThat a cause is a thing to be worn on one's sleeve. And so, we sell a cause. It's called a scause.And wearing a scause gets you lots of applause. We start with some plastic which is shirped by our shirpistThen dip it in colors that show off your purpose.There are green scauses for recycling, blue scauses for kitties, And pink scauses that focus on nothing but titties. Do you hate abortion? Ah! Then a white scause is for you! Why not champion your scause with some sparkles and glue?We make scauses for this! We make scauses for that! Why there's even a scause for just being fat! What's the matter? Can't think of a scause? How about raising awareness for the hairs in your schnozz?Let's just think of the thing that you care about most. Then let's make it orange, like marmalade toast!And now I'd like to say ""thank you"" for your coming down.I'm off to go sell these in your little town!"
Stan,"Dude, the hell just happen?"
Mr. Mackey,"Kids? Kids, okay, I need to talk to you about a serious matter.  You probably all noticed my orange wristband , mkay? It's to show my solidarity with the people of Belarus.  Mkay, you should know that the Belarusian government is right now trying to-"
Craig,"We know, Mr. Mackey. We all have our Belarus bracelets too."
Mr. Mackey,"Oh you do? Ya you got you got those? Okay, okay, that's good! Good you're doin' something about it, m'kay.  Uh hey kids. Kids over here..."
Cartman,"Dude, what's this about orange bracelets? Where do you get them?"
Clyde,There's a guy selling them downtown. But they're not made from recycled plastic.
Cartman,"Dude, I don't give a crap about using recycled plastic!"
Clyde,Yes you do.
Cartman,"...Oh, I guess I do care about that. Huh."
Butters,"Hey Stan, well, some people are sayin' that you knew what you were doing all along. That, that you, you cut off your wristband on purpose to shed light on the Belarusian farmers."
Stan,People are saying that?
Butters,Yeeah. Is it true?
Stan,"Wow! You know, whatever it takes, Butters. People are aware of the problems in Belarus; maybe I did it all on purpose or maybe it was just a coincidence."
Butters,"Heyah, whatever Stan. Yeah I thought you were a butthole,  but n-now I think you're a good sneaky little butthole."
Stan,We did it.
Anchor,It has become the biggest concern for most people. The farmers of Belarus and their plight against their government. And now one person is taking it upon himself to end the crisis. His name? Jesus.
Jesus,"These are very troubling times and these farmers are literally fighting for their lives. You know I'm uh, ah-I'm here just to do whatever I can."
Field Reporter,"Jesus, some people might be thinking you're doing this as some kind of a publicity stunt to put to rest the rumors of your drug use?"
Jesus,"You know, ah I don't even have time to think about that. This is a crisis that needs my attention and I'm just here to do whatever I can. I've talked to the government here and I've talked to the farmers, and I think we have everything just about worked out."
Farmers,AAAAH!!
Jesus,"You know, whatever stupid rumors people wanna believe about me, it doesn't change the fact that the people of Belarrus need my help."
Field Reporter,"Ah I believe it's Belarus, Jesus."
Jesus,"Yes, it very well may be if we don't do something now."
Field Reporter,"Um, so you think you've something here to keep the conflict from escalating, is that right?"
Jesus,I'm just doing what I've always done. People wanna know what I'm on. What am I on? I'm on a farm in Belarrus busting my ass! What are you on?!
Field Reporter,"Uh huh, and now that the Belarusian farmers are all dead, what will you try next?"
Jesus,"What?  Aw, shit!"
P.F. Pityef,"One at a time, please. One at a time."
Mr. Mackey,"Look, I want to return this orange bracelet, m'kay?!  It's worthless now!"
P.F. Pityef,"Not a problem, you can return your scause and for just five dollars I'll give you two more!"
Cartman,"Okay, I need a violet one for domestic violence, a lime one for herpes, and a jade green one for how much I hate Kyle."
P.F. Pityef,Absolutely! Five dollars please.
Kyle,Heidi Turner said you asked her to borrow superglue last week.
Stan,Are you still on that dude?! Have you ever heard of ends justifying means?!
P.F. Pityef,"Oh my, it's the sound!"
Butters,Wu-what sound?
P.F. Pityef,"Of all sounds in all sounddom this one's most profound.  That's the sound that means I must pack up my tent. It's the sound of the last cent being spent.  My work here is done, and just look at you now! You're all covered in scauses from your hoof to your brow. Enjoy all your scauses. You look great in your cause. Be sure to give each other lots of applause. I'm off to the next town in my little truck. Have a nice day! Toot a loo!"
Cartman,"...Fuck! Dude, weak."
Stan,"It's almost like... like, that guy had this figured out all along."
Jesus,Yeah...
Stan,We were trying to do good. But we got everyone duped by a bracelet company.
Jesus,"Yeah, well, I guess we're just gonna have to accept that people aren't gonna think very highly of us."
Stan,Well... we can't just let that guy get away with taking everyone's money.
Jesus,What can we possibly do?
Stan,What would Jesus do?  Yeheah!
Jesus,Vengeance is mine!
P.F. Pityef,No please! Please show mercy!
Jesus,Get out!
Jesus,"Thank you my children.  We've all been through a lot. We got caught up in scauses... that didn't mean squat. They turned my message away from the teachings it hid, and made it about me and the things that I did. Which of course I didn't do. And even if I did use performance-enhancing drugs, so did all the other prophets. But I didn't. So what have we learned from this great wristband theft? Maybe, that when stripped of our scauses, only causes are left. And causes shouldn't be worn on our wrists with a sneer. Let's keep our causes where they belong, which is  right here. On T-shirts!  Free Pussy Riot!"
Mr. Mackey,Free Pussy Riot!
The Boys,Yeah!
Denver Poll Worker,"Okay, Mr. Thompson, voting line is right over there.  Next, please."
Cartman,Mom? Mommy? Where's my mommy?
Denver Poll Worker,"Oh dear, did you lose your mother, little boy?"
Cartman,MOM!
Denver Poll Worker,Security?
Denver Guard,Heaah?
Denver Poll Worker,This little boy lost his mom.
Cartman,She said to wait for her by the... plastic boxes if I got lost.
Denver Guard,"It's all right, come on."
Cartman,Mom? Where's my mom?
Charlotte Poll Worker,"Oh dear. Did you lose your mommy, little boy?"
Flight Attendant 1,"Would you like some warm nuts, sir?"
Cartman,"""Warm nuts"", she said."
Cartman,Mom?! I lost my Mooohhm!
Flight Attendant 2,"Warm nuts, sir? Warm nuts?"
Cartman,No way dude. No way.
Cartman,MOOOM! I can't find my mooom!
Flight Attendant 3,"Would you like warm nuts, sir?"
Cartman,"Ahaha, okay okay it's getting old."
Cartman,MOOOMMM! MOOOMMM!
Anchor,"The people have spoken, and the President of the United States is once again, Barack Obama."
President Obama,"I assure you all, I am heading back to the White House more motivated - more titillated - than ever."
Kyle,"Don't be sad, Ike. Just be happy that you live in a country where people get to elect a president at all.  Hello?"
Cartman,Hey Kyle. What's up?
Kyle,"Nothing, watching the election results."
Cartman,"Yeah, I figured. It's the day after the election, so you're probably sitting on the couch telling your little brother how great it is to live in a democratic society.  Listen, Kyle, could you come over for a second? I got somethin' I need to show you."
Kyle,What?!
Cartman,"Please, Kyle. It's kind of important."
Kyle,"Alright, what is this all about, fatass?!"
Cartman,"You happy with the election results last night, Kyle?"
Kyle,It doesn't matter if I am or not. People voted and I stand behind the president.
Cartman,"Oh, that's such a democratic thing to say, Kyle. What if I were to tell you that I have something in my room that could change the entire election?"
Kyle,Sure you do!
Cartman,"What if I did, Kyle?"
Kyle,"Chr, what could you possibly have in your room that could change the outcome of the election?"
Cartman,"Pretty sweet, huh?"
Kyle,What the hell is this?
Cartman,What's it look like? Hundreds of thousands of votes from all the swing states.
Kyle,I don't believe it.
Cartman,"No, really. There are states full of swingers. Bunch of perverts if you ask me."
Kyle,Why do you have these?
Cartman,"Funny how voting works in this country, isn't it, Kyle.  Each one of these, a person. Someone who actually took the time to get themselves informed. Actually got up and drove to a voting area to make sure their voice was heard."
Kyle,Dude!
Cartman,Here's another patriotic American. He probably spent hours listening to all those presidential ads and tuned in to every debate.
Kyle,"Knock it off, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Now, believe it or not, Kyle, I actually need your help. But first you have to promise not to tell anyone."
Kyle,"You're not getting away with this, you fat turd!"
Cartman,"Run now, little firefly. It's all part of the plan."
Liane,"Sweetie, there's a Mr. Pun Li Tsiao on the phone for you?"
Cartman,"Thanks Mom,  I'll take that in the study. Do I have a study? I don't think I have a study. That's fine."
Agent,Mr. President?
President Obama,Yes?
Agent,"Line 2 from China for you, sir. It's General Tso."
President Obama,"Yes, hello General."
General Tso,We assume you are preased with the erection results?
President Obama,Very pleased. Thank you for your help.
General Tso,And you no doubt will now begin filling your side of the bargain.
President Obama,You'll have what you want. I'll meet you in three hours.
Agent,"Sir, the election may have gone the way they said, but we can't possibly give the Chinese what you promised."
President Obama,"I don't know how they did it, but the Chinese secured my victory. I have to fulfill my obligation."
Agent,And what if General Tso suddenly gets the courage to go to the press with all this?
President Obama,Don't worry. Everyone knows General Tso's chicken.
Officer 1,Eric Cartman? We have a report you might be involved in voter fraud?
Cartman,"Hmmm, no."
Officer 2,You mind if we search your room?
Cartman,"I'm sorry, but I know my rights. You can't search my room without a warrant. And I'm afraid I can't give you permission."
Kyle,"This isn't a joke, Cartman! You have to believe me, officer. The outcome of the election depends on it."
Officer 1,Let's just see.
Cartman,Ey! You can't do that! Ey!
Kyle,Upstairs! First door to the left!
Cartman,I know my rights! Stop right now!
Kyle,But... they were here. Ah I swear it. Stacks and stacks of ballots from states all over the country!
Cartman,"I was always told that... we lived in a country based on freedom. That the one thing that made America different was that government could never barge into our lives unwarranted. But it's all changing, isn't it? Ever since Obama was first elected, it's all changing."
Officer 2,"Oh my God, what have we done?"
Officer 1,"Guess this country is changing. We're sorry little boy, we're SO sorry."
Kyle,"Please you've, you've got to believe me! They've still gotta be here somewhere! Uh we've got to find them!"
Cartman,"But where could they be? Where? And why would I care so much about the election results? So may questions, Kyle. So... little time."
Kyle,Guys! You guys!  Listen: Cartman has tens of thousands of voter ballots hidden somewhere. He's changed the outcome of the election!
Stan,"Wow, really? That's pretty impressive."
Kyle,Come on guys! He's hidden them somewhere and we have to find them!
Stan,But I thought Obama won pretty easily last night.
Kyle,"Dude, because of the electoral college these votes in swing states can really matter."
Stan,I don't understand that stuff at all. I need Morgan Freeman to explain it to me.
Jimmy,"Yeah, I love when Morgan Freeman explains stuff."
Craig,"Whenever I'm confused about what's going on in a movie, I'm always so relieved when Morgan Freeman shows up and explains the plot to me."
Kyle,"God damn it this is serious, you guys! Cartman has stolen the election!"
Butters,"Well, mmmaybe Cartman had a good reason."
Kyle,"Butters, you know something, don't you?!"
Butters,"Huh? Wha? NO. Uhuh, why?"
Kyle,What did Cartman tell you?!
Butters,"He didn't tell me nothin'. Annd I'm sworn to secrecy. Ih-it's really important, Kyle, and it isn't what you think.  Uh, don't make me say any more!"
Kyle,Tell us what you know right now!
Butters,I can't! Don't you see?!  Don't make me swallow this! Wa-I'll do it
Stan,Is that an M&M?
Butters,"It's an almond M&M. Ah-I'm very allergic to almonds. Heey, just leave me alone."
Kyle,Then you have to tell us!
Butters,Well... hah... HWAAAH!
Kyle,Oh shit! Don't let him swallow it!
Stan,Pry his mouth open!
Craig,He ate it!
Stan,"Butters, where are the ballots going?! Where are they going?!"
Butters,Ah! Bah! I hate almonds.
Waitress,"More melted butter, sir?"
Cartman,"Mm, mhm, mhm."
General Tso,"Little boy, the President is on his way to pick up the ballots. Where are they?!"
Cartman,They're nearby. Very safe and sound. I just might want to... alter our deal a little bit.
General Tso,Alter our... The President will be here in moments with what we want!
Cartman,Yes. Tell me again exactly what you plan on doing with it?
A Diner,"Oh my God, it's the President!"
President Obama,"Thank you, thank you all for your votes of confidence. If I could... just be a little rude and ask for a nice quiet meal in private?"
Diner 1,"Oh, of course. Come on, let's let the President have some peace and quiet."
Diner 2,"Wow, the President eats at Red Lobster. He's just a normal guy like me."
Diner 3,"Come on guys. President says ""get out."""
Diner 4,I didn't actually vote for him.
President Obama,All right. Where are the ballots?
Doctor,Your friend has had a severe allergic reaction.
Kyle,Can we please just try and talk to him?
Doctor,"All right, but don't take too long."
Butters,What's up fellas?
Kyle,"Butters, you have to tell us what Cartman is up to!"
Butters,"Bleh, ogayedmi."
Kyle,"I didn't wanna have to do this.  but if you don't tell us, I'm gonna tell your dad you helped get the wrong person elected President!"
Butters,AGH! No! Please! You can't!
Kyle,Then just tell me what Cartman is up to!
Butters,Okay! Okay! He's helping Oblamew pablama beblab.
Stan,What'd he say?  Oh. Well what do you mean the election isn't the biggest thing that happened this week?
Kyle,"What?  You mean the missile defense program?!  Butters, where's Cartman supposed to hand over the ballots?!"
Butters,At Red Robster.
Kenny,(At Red Lobster.)
Kyle,Where?
Butters,Red Lobster!
Stan,Huh?
Jimmy,"He said ""at Ruh ruh rruh ruh Reh Red"""
Butters,Red Lobster!
Kenny,(Red Lobster!)
Kyle,What?
Jimmy,Ruh Rehh... Red
Butters,Red Lobster!
Kenny,(Red Lobster!)
Stan,"Oh, Red Lobster."
President Obama,"General Tso, do you have the missing ballots or not?"
General Tso,"Sssure, we have the ballots, but we don't have them right here with us now."
President Obama,"Okay, you want me to come in again, we can start over, what the fuck is this?!"
Kyle,"All right, where are the missing ballots?!  President Obama?"
Cartman,"Oh God damn it Kyle, I was just about to get what I wanted."
General Tso,"Mr. President, we got you reelected! Now you will give us the Star Wars technology so that we can make the sequels!"
President Obama,I told you China would get the rights to Star Wars from Disney as long as my Presidency was secure!  Until I have those ballots  it is not secure!
Kyle,"Wait a minute, the rights to Star Wars, the movies? What the hell is going on here?!"
Morgan Freeman,"What's going on is the sale of America's greatest asset.  You see, when the United States created Star Wars it made this country incredibly powerful."
General Tso,Morgan Freeman?
Morgan Freeman,"Earlier this week, Lucas signed the rights to Star Wars over to Disney, and the Chinese saw a way to obtain it for themselves. The Chinese government knew that President Obama would help them take the rights from Disney if they helped him get reelected."
Craig,Ohhhh.
Morgan Freeman,"But the child who actually stole the ballots has hidden them, and won't give them to anyone until his demands are met. You've all got quite a mess on your hands. I wish you well with it."
Stan,"Hey just one thing, Morgan Freeman:  How come every time something convoluted needs explaining, you show up?"
Morgan Freeman,"Because every time I show up and explain something, I earn a freckle."
Cartman,"So here's the deal, General Tso, Mr. President, when the Chinese make the sequels, I get to play the part of Luke Skywalker's son. Cartman Skywalker."
General Tso,That was not the deal! We will not be a-bullied by you!
Cartman,"Well then, I guess we're about to play a game of Chicken, General Tso."
Jimmy,"Heheh, I get it. General Tso's chih-chih-chicken."
Mike,You are absolutely sure about this?
Agent 2,"It's been confirmed, Mike. My God, we might have won this thing."
Mike,"Sir? Sir, we have some... incredible news. There are rumors of hundreds of thousands of stolen ballots. You might have won the election after all."
Stan,"There's nothing here, Kyle."
Kyle,"Anything in the basement, Jimmy?"
Jimmy,"Just old junk, and boxes of Eric's mom's d-dildos"
Kyle,Well keep looking.
Liane,"Oh my goodness, what's going on?"
Kyle,"Sorry Ms. Cartman, but your son took some things that didn't belong to him."
Liane,"Oh, I've told him to respect people's property. What did he take?"
Stan,He stole ballots in all the swing states so the wrong person was elected President.
Liane,"Oh well, no TV for him for a few days."
Jimmy,"There's nothing here, Kyle. Not even one s-s-scooby clue."
Stan,"Oh my God you guys, look!  Dude, it's Boba Fett's ship!"
Mickey Mouse,"Just what the Dickens is going on here, haha?!"
Stan,"Aw shit, it's him again."
Mickey Mouse,"What's this about a deal with the Chinese?! I own all this shit now! I own the Death Star! I own Tatooine! It's all MINE, haha! All right fuckers, where are the missing ballots? Haha."
Cartman,"Butters.  You just couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you Butters?"
Butters,I didn't say anything. I promise.
Cartman,"I guess we learned that when it comes to Star Wars, we can't trust anyone. Not the President, not the Chinese, and not you."
Butters,"Please, Eric! I tried to be quiet, I swear!"
Cartman,"Shhh, it's okay, Butters.  Nobody's gonna find the election ballots.  I have them hidden away somewhere... nobody would ever look.  A place in town people barely even know exists."
Salesman,"Hey guys. Lookin' to buy a Hummer today?  We're havin' a Rocktober sales event day that's goin' into Rockvember.  Hey there! Interested in test-drivin' a Hummer today?  I can see you, with the Ray-Bans, got that nice bicep haning' out the window rolled down, whattaya think?  Rockvember sales event, guys! Every Hummer comes with a free Segway."
Café Monet diner,Hey why don't you shut up?!
Salesman,"I'm just excited about all these deals, that's all."
Storm Trooper,"We found him sir, but still no sign of the missing ballots."
Mickey Mouse,"Go on! Leave us alone! Haha.  Now listen, little boy, the reason this country works is because people go out to vote. Every vote counts. And you need-"
Cartman,"Cut the crap, Mouse! You only care about the election results because Romney would have been tougher on the Chinese!"
Mickey Mouse,Why don't you just tell me where the missing ballots are?! It will make your death a lot less painful! Haha.
Cartman,"Trust me: they're somewhere nobody will ever find them! If you kill me, then Obama will stay President and you will lose Star Wars to the Chinese forever!"
Mickey Mouse,"Pretty neat, huh? How would you like to have one?"
Cartman,"I can get those at K-Mart! If you want me to switch sides, you'll have to do better than that!"
Mickey Mouse,Like what?!
Cartman,I want a part in the new movies!
Mickey Mouse,"Well then, why didn't you just come to me in the first place? If you wanna be in the next Star Wars, I'm your guy! Haha."
Cartman,I get to be Luke Skeywalker's son. And there has to be a character called Jewbacca.
Mickey Mouse,"You can be Luke's son, you can be Han Solo's son, I don't give two shits and a popsicle."
Cartman,"Really? Well then, I suppose that making the votes public IS the right thing to do. I can get the ballots for you. But if I'm gonna smuggle them here, I'm gonna need a blaster and a tauntaun."
Mickey Mouse,"Sure thing. I've got tauntauns comin' out my asshole, haha."
Cartman,Haha.
Mickey Mouse,Haha.
Cartman,Haha.
Wolf Blitzer,"This is Breaking Election News. Hold that phone! The election may be over, but rumors are running rampant that hundreds of thousands of ballots for Mitt Romney were stolen!"
Kyle,"We need everyone's help here. What you're looking for are big boxes of ballots. Hundreds of them. Please check your basement, your attic, and-"
Field Reporter,"And and you claim that a General Tso hired your friend, Fatass, to steal the ballots, but so far the Chinese are refusing to speak with us."
Kyle,"Yeah, probably 'cause General Tso's chicken."
Field Reporter,Is that it? Did he just? Did he just?
Wolf Blitzer,"Yup. Chris, we're getting confirmation that was the millionth time."
Chris,Excitement and revelry at South Park as a little boy has just made the General Tso's chicken joke for the one millionth time.
Kyle,What?
Field Reporter,"Little boy, the General Tso's chicken joke, a favorite for years, you've just hit the magic number, how does it feel?"
Kyle,I... what?
Field Reporter,"He's being presented with the check now, a five thousand dollar gift certificate to P.F. Chang's.  This has been a long campaign, but someone's finally done it, Wolf."
Stan,"Well, we tried, dude."
Kyle,It just seems so unfair. People won't ever even know that the wrong man is in the White House.
Stan,"Well, I mean, look at it this way: Almost half the country did actually vote for Obama. If the election really just came down to a bunch of boxes Cartman stole, then, does it matter that much?"
Kyle,"It matters, Stan. It it matters."
A Santa,Ho ho ho hoo!  Come on down to Stevenson Hummer for our big Christmas in Humvember Sale!  Not sure what to get your loved one this holiday season? Why not give them a nice Hummer? Nothing beats a Hummer on Christmas morning!
Stan,"Stan, when was the last time you saw somebody drive a Hummer?"
Stan,"Uhhh, forever ago, like, 2010?"
Kyle,Oh my God.
Mr. Stevenson,"Hey, looking for a Hummer today? Got some 2009s here. Never been driven. ...Ever.  Go on, get out of here! Shoo!"
Kyle,Look! There they are!
Mr. Stevenson,"Hey, hi there! You kids like Hummers, huh? Let me show you these babies!"
Kyle,"We found it, you guys!  Oh no, they followed us!"
Mr. Stevenson,Oh hell yes! Asians! Hey guys!
General Tso,Get out of our way!
Kyle,No! These don't belong to you! They belong to the people!
General Tso,I am tired of playing games! This little farce is ovah!
Cartman,"I don't think so, General Tso! This way, officers!"
Mr. Stevenson,Oh my God it's a sales rush!
Officer 2,Oh my God. Are those what I think they are?
Cartman,"Yes, we must show these to the public! For democracy's sake, right Kyle?"
Officer 3,"Sir, we've found something, at the Hummer sales lot outside of town."
General Tso,You don't understand. We are trying to protect the greatest film series ever made!
Kyle,Protect it?
Officer 4,What the hell is going on here?!
Morgan Freeman,"Perhaps I can explain it to you.  You see, it turns out the only reason the Chinese so desperately wanted Star Wars is because they're afraid that Disney might not be the right place for it. The Chinese simply want to guard Star Wars' impeccable legacy."
Officer 5,Is that Morgan Freeman?
Morgan Freeman,"And now we're at a crossroads. If these ballots are made public, then the man the people voted for will be President, but he will no doubt keep Star Wars from the Chinese, and allow Disney to keep it instead. And so we have to ask ourselves, ""What's more important? That the right man is elected President, or that Star Wars is with people who will protect it most?"""
An Officer,"Unit 4, what is it?! Over."
Officer 1,Well kid?
Kyle,Well... if you put it that way...
An Officer,Come in Unite 4! What have you found?!
Officer 1,"Nothing sir. We just found some tremendous deals on cars nobody wants, that's all. Barkley out."
Cartman,No! But Obama wasn't really elected! Don't you people care?!
Group,Obama is President again.
Character,Line
Kyle,"I am sooo sick of that stupid bitch! Blabbin' pussy little skank! Why do people talk on their phone like that?! I can't even get a minute of piece before that bitch walks in, holding the cell phone out like this , and talking on speaker phone! Nobody wants to hear your goddamned conversations, you little bitch! You're not that important!"
Cartman,"Yeah, I know dude. I'm telling you, it was the worst pain in my entire life."
Lawrence,How many hours were you guys playing?
Cartman,"Like six hours, dude. And my friends were all like ""Dude, Cartman, we need you to keep playing defense!"""
Kyle,AAAARGH!
Lawrence,You were playing football?
Cartman,"Yeah, but I was like ""I can't you guys. I twisted my ankle."" In the end though, they really needed me to play, so I just played through the pain, you know what I'm sayin'?"
Kyle,That is not what happened! You totally started crying and quit the game!
Cartman,"Kyle, this is a private conversation."
Kyle,Then take that shit off speaker phone!!
Lawrence,Is that that same kid?
Cartman,"Yeah, it's that kid Kyle again. He's a total boner, always listening in on my calls."
Kyle,How do we have a choice?!
Cartman,"Stop listening to my conversation, Kyle! What are you, the NSA?! Lawrence, remember how I was tellin' you the NSA listens to everyone's phone calls and reads all our e-mails?"
Lawrence,"Yeah yeah, you said that."
Toby,My dad says the government keeps a database on everyone.
Cartman,Who is that? Is that Toby
Toby,Yeah.
Cartman,"Dude, Toby, are you over at Lawrence's?"
Toby,"Yeah, we're ditching school."
Cartman,"You're what? What, you say?"
Lawrence,Me and Toby are ditching school!
Cartman,"I'm telling you guys, the government thinks they can do whatever they want, and we don't have any privacy anymore!  Just between you and me, I think everyone is too stupid to see what this is all leading to. Did you guys read ""1984""?"
Lawrence,I don't think so.
Cartman,"See, I didn't read it either, but I saw the puppet show version up at Casa Bonita. We have to do something about this! We need to organize a rally!"
Lawrence,That'd be cool.
Cartman,That'd be what?
Lawrence,That'd be COOL.
Cartman,"I know, right?  A big rally to tell the government to stay out of our private lives! I'm gonna e-mail everybody and put it up on my blog pages!  I seriously feel like I'm being spied on right now.  I'm sure the government has a file on me a mile long; that's why this is so important, you know?  Hang on, I'm gonna make a video blog for my ""Stop Listening To Me"" Web site.  What's up everybody? It's me again, just kicking it at my skeal. There's gonna be a big rally to tell the government to stop gathering information on us! Gonna tweet you all the details, but keep quiet, 'cause it's top secret!  You guys gonna update your blogs too?"
Cartman,"Dude, I really can't hear you Lawrence. Are you outside or something?"
Lawrence,I said I got your tweet and the address!
Cartman,"Okay, well put Toby back on the phone! You guys start Googling everyone the directions to the rally site. Toby, are you there, bro?"
Toby,"Yeah, I'm here, bro."
Cartman,"Bro, you gotta um, e-mail Jack about the rally and see if he'll bring petition forms."
Kyle,Will you please take your rally conversation somewhere else?
Cartman,"Oh heeell NO you didn't just invade my privacy again?! That is the LAST STRAW, Kyle!  Everybody! Everybody hey! Just so you know, we might have an NSA agent right here at our school"
Butters,Ww-ww-what's the N S A?
Cartman,"That just so you know, the government is watching everything you do! Always watching! They say it's to keep us safe! But what price is safety, Kyle?"
Butters,The government watches everything we do?
Butters,"Hello?? Hey Government... It's me... Butters. Ah I just wanna say, well, well, thanks for watching over me and, and doin' everything you do. ...An and please watch over Mommy, and Daddy, ah an and my friends Stan and Kyle, Craig and Token, and and even ol' Eric Cartman. Uh I know he can be a meanie sometimes, but please watch over him too. Goodnight, Government.  Oh yeah.  Ah, and thank you, President Obama, for, for making me feel so safe and looked after. And if it wouldn't be... too much trouble...  I'd really like to get a puppy for Christmas this year.  'Night, Government."
Cartman,"Dude, they have gone too far this time! There is no doubt the government is tracking me! We're gonna have to put off the rally."
Lawrence,They're spying on you?
Cartman,"Yes, right here. I went to Amazon to see if they had Grand Theft Auto V, and it says, ""you might also be interested in the Blu-ray for Star Trek."" I'm totally interested in the Blu-ray for Star Trek! How did they know that unless the government is keepin' tabs on mw?!  This is war, bro! Forget the rally, we have to go hard core!"
Lawrence,Like what?
Cartman,"Alright, listen. I'm gonna get a job at the NSA, and then I'm gonna put all their secrets up on Twitter."
Lawrence,"Naw, don't do that."
Cartman,"No! Dude, I'm gonna sneak into their headquarters disguised as an employee, and I'm gonna-  Hey, hang on a second, Lawrence.  I think we have a Nosey Nancy in the room.  Dude, my Twitter account might already be compromised. If I'm gonna infiltrate the NSA and get all their secrets out to the public, then I'm gonna need something better than Twitter."
Lawrence,You need that new thing where you don't need to type.
Cartman,"What, they already have something better than Twitter?"
Lawrence,You haven't seen the Alec Baldwin commercial?
Cartman,No! What Alec Baldwin commercial?
Alec Baldwin,"Hello. I'm Alec Baldwin, and I love social media.  But sometimes, I accidentally tweet things that are homophobic. I don't think that way, I just type that way. That's when I realized it wasn't me that was homophobic, it was my thumbs, and they needed to be gotten rid of.  So then the problem was, I don't have thumbs. But I know that everyone in America still wants to hear everything I have to say. Well, that's okay, because now there's a device that can actually take the thoughts in your head and send them directly to the Internet. It's called... Shitter. Wires are grafted harmlessly into your skull and any thought you have is uploaded to the Internet, and on to all your Shitter followers.  Don't let your social media slow down our need to communicate with the world. Go direct from thought to Internet ...with Shitter."
Kyle,What the hell are you doing?!
Clyde,What's Shitter?
Stan,Wow.
Kyle,You're okay with everything you think going up on the Internet?
Cartman,"Yeah, because the government won't respect my privacy."
Clyde,How many people are on Shitter?
Cartman,Just two so far: me and Alec Baldwin.
Butters,"Oh my God. Oh my God they say me. They saw me and they're gonna be so angry! Maybe they didn't see me. No! No, they saw me, they see everything! I did something really bad. Really really bad."
Clerk,Next!
Butters,"Oh God, uh... but my parents always told me, ""If you do somethin' horrible, then you have to admit it to your protector, so that you can have forgiveness."" Are these people nice?"
Man,DMV people? They're the meanest people on planet Earth.
Butters,"Oh Jeez.  Oh God, huh... Here we go.  I yelled at a midget.  I was, I was watching MTV andand this little person was singing a song, eh - I think her name was ""Pink"" - but I I didn't like the songs and so I yelled! ""Hey, get off the TV you effing midget!""  And I, I was at Barnes & Noble with my mom, and while she was looking for a book I, I saw this picture of Jennifer Lawrence in a magazine. Um it and I, well, I cut the picture out of the magazine while no one was lookin'. Dirty whore! I took the picture home with me and I, and-I, I cut Jennifer Lawrence's mouth out with scissors and then I... well I put my wiener through the hole. I have no idea why!! How can I atone for it?! I already said the Pledge of Allegiance 50 times! And I sang ""My Country Tis Of Thee"" 100 times! And I watches ""America's Got Talent"" twice! What else can I do?"
Clerk,"Why not a thousand ""Livin' In America""s?"
Butters,"Yes! Yes I will! Oh, thank youhoohoo! I will! Oh, I feel so much better already! Livin' in America!Eye to eye! Hand to hand!Across the nation!Smokestack, fatback,Many miles of railroad trackOw! I said Ow ow!"
Receptionist,Can I help you sir?
Cartman,"Yes, I'm here to apply for the NSA job?"
Receptionist,"All right, and your name?"
Cartman,Bill Clinton.
Receptionist,"I don't see you on the list, Mr. Clinton."
Cartman,"Oh well, must be a clerical mistake, but they are expecting me."
Chief,"What have you got, Patricia?"
Patricia,"Uh, this man says he has an interview for a job, sir?"
Cartman,"I am extremely qualified, sir, and very eager to work."
Cartman,"I was um, sure that the appointment was today."
Chief,"That's quite alright. The NSA needs all the help it can get. Come on upstairs and I'll show you around, see if you're fit for the job."
Pamphleteer,Hello sir. My colleague and I are going through the neighborhood and seeing if you'd like to know the Truth.
Butters,"Sure, I love the Truth."
Pamphleteer,"Okay, we from uh Jehovah Witness. We Kingdom Hall Jehovah Witness, and uh, we believe, sir, that uh many people interpret the Bible it wrong."
Butters,Wull what's a Jehovah's Witness.
Pamphleteer,"We are, sir. We believe the, the Truth. I was once like you. I knew not what to believe, then I let my pulvy the Jehovah into the heart."
Butters,Oh my goodness! Your little cartoon has a girl on fire!
Pamphleteer,"Yes, because uh Jehovah will bring judgement against all who perish like the little girl will burn in fire."
Butters,"Oh, you shouldn't be handing out drawings like that, ma'am. Uh, don't you know that the government is watching you?"
Pamphleteer,The government ih watching me?
Colleague,Wansa?
Pamphleteer,He said the government ih watching us.
Colleague,Hi now?
Pamphleteer,How long they been watching us?
Butters,Can I ask you something? When was the last time you went to your local DMV?
Pamphleteer,I don't go to DMV. I don't have car.
Butters,"Oh, you can walk there. Trust me, you've gotta go to the DMV. It's incredible! See, I was like you once. Afraid, unsure, and doin' stuff I shouldn't do like showin' people pictures of little girls with their heads on fire. But you know what I've learned? That just goin' to the DMV, and letting go of all my wrongdoings, filled me with a joy I've felt nowhere else! Would you like to read some DMV literature?  This'll tell you most of what you need to know about the DMV. But just go. Everyone there is really nice. Your government is watching you and your government wants you to be happy. Have a nice day!"
Chief,"Right this way, Bill. Welcome to the NSA main office."
Cartman,Oh yes. Sooo this is where the government checks up on its citizens.
Chief,"There's a lot of people working here at the NSA. Good people, people who just wanna keep America safe. Only problem is, checking all those e-mails, Twitter accounts, and surveilling all those phone calls can take a lot of manpower."
Detective,Hey Joe?
Joe,"Whatchoo got, Miller."
Miller,"Got a 24-year-old male in Albuquerque. He just e-mailed his wife and asked if she could go to the store after work. Then he called the fitness center to set up a membership. He liked the fitness center, so he tweeted his friends that they should try it out."
Joe,"...Alright, keep an eye on them. Let me know if anything changes."
Miller,Will do.
Joe,"It's a never-ending grind here at the NSA, and it seems there's never enough detectives to keep track of everyone.  Sergeant! What have you got, Larson."
Larson,"Got a seventeen-year-old female down in Jacksonville. She called her friend and asked her if she wanted to see the Percy Jackson movie. Then she e-mailed her mom at work and asked if it was okay. The mom said yes, but called her husband first to make sure there weren't any dinner plans."
Joe,"Alright, keep an eye on all three of them."
Larson,Will do.
Joe,"If you think you got the stomach for this, then we can definitely use your help, young man."
Detective,"Sir, you might wanna check this out."
Joe,What have you got?
Detective,Thirty-two-year-old pizza delivery man. He just put it on his Twitter account that he hates America and wants to blow up the Lincoln Memorial.
Hippie,"Well well, the NSA. I should've known."
Joe,We wanna talk to you about some tweets you've been tweeting.
Hippie,"Hey man, I was just blowin' smoke. Say, what right does the government have reading my private e-mails anyway?! Haven't you squares heard of the Constitution?"
Joe,"Yeah, we've heard of that. We've also heard of the Declaration of Independence. See, there's a lot of people out there who think like you, people who think their government doesn't have the right to go around poking their noses in the e-mails of its citizens. That is, until a plane flies into a couple of towers and a little girl loses her life. You wanna live in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave, but the brave can't be free if the land isn't home, and that land won't be home so long as folks out there wanna take that American flag and shove it so far up your anus that you crap stars and stripes for a week, and as you're sittin' there on the toilet with the Star-Spangled Montezuma's Revenge there's one thing I can guarantee you."
Hippie,Yeah? What's that?
Joe,You won't care who's checkin' your Twitter account then.
Hippie,...I never thought of it that way.
Terrance,Hey Phillip! Pull my finger!  Aaaahahahaha.
Butters,"Hello, Craig. How would you like to know the Truth?"
Craig,...The truth about what?
Butters,We're just goin' through the neighborhood an' seein' if you've accepted the government into your heart.
Craig,"...Aahhhh, no, I don't think so."
Pamphleteer,"My colleague and I, we went to saaah experience at DMV. We went to DMV, we admit all our shortcomings an sins and uh make a tital wave of peace and serenity with the truth stored inside our heart."
Craig,...Okay.
Butters,"You see, Craig, once I came clean with the government, I no longer had anything to hide. Then I found peace. Have you read any DMV literature?"
Craig,"Aaaaaaaaaaaahh, no."
Butters,"Well, there's a lot of interesting stuff in here, Craig. There's even some quotes from President Obama.  Could you read this part out lout?"
Craig,Your local DMV is funded by your tax dollars to be efficient and proficient.
Butters,Yeah. Whattaya think President Obama means when he says that?
Craig,I have no idea.
Butters,"Well, we believe that he means the government loves you, and it wants to forgive you if you just let the government into your heart."
Pamphleteer,"Yes sir.  See, i used to be like you. I go around sending them nasty e-mails and a nasty texts, puttin' nasty picture on my nasty Facebook. But then I realized, all these things, they live forever, because the government keep a file on us. So all that live forever up in what they call the Clou'. It's a government term. If they could put a file in the Clou', then I wanna make sure I come clean about the bad ones and maybe get those things off my record off the Clou'. Because we all live forever in the Clou'."
Butters,"Uh huh.  Did you follow all that, Craig?  Uh, I don't think I really followed all that."
Date,What is that voice?
Alec Baldwin,Some little faggot in my head.
Cartman,"Hey, so um, as I'm going through people's e-mails and phone calls, um, how do I know which people to start with?"
Detective 3,"Pretty simple. Everyone has a file. People who have a status of ""threat"", ""possible threat"", or ""person of interest"" are the ones we really wanna look at."
Detective 4,"The more we pay attention to them, the bigger their file becomes."
Cartman,Really? How big is my file?
Detective 4,Huh?
Cartman,"Uhh, that us, uhh, yo-you must have a pretty big file on Eric Cartman. All his blogs and e-mails have been watched for quite some time."
Detective 3,"Jarvis, what have we got on an ""Eric Cartman""? Any files on Eric Cartman."
Jarvis,"Ohhh yeah, we tracked him for a little bit, but Central Computer designated his status as ""fat and unimportant."""
Cartman,"Uhh trust me, he's not fat and unimportant. I think we need to change his status to ""ripped and sweet.""  'Scuse me. Excuse me! There's a very important threat to national security! We need to change Eric Cartman's status!"
Barbrady,"And that's when I masturbated to Game of Thrones. I know it was wrong to masturbate, and I know it was especially wrong to masturbate while on duty."
Clerk 2,What the?  Why do these people keep coming here?
Barbrady,But I am done forever with Game of Thrones. Forever
Clerk 2,"Next, please!"
Barbrady,Thank you.
Group,Yaaaaaay.
Butters,"Congratulations, Brother! How do you feel?"
Barbrady,"I, I feel really good."
Group,Heehhhhhhhah.
Customer,"Wow, those people over there seem like they're havin' fun."
Butters,I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be than at the DMV with all you wonderful people. Now let's all pledge Allegiance.  I pledge allegiance.
Group,"To the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
Larry,What the hell is going on here?! This is the DMV! There will be no joy here!
Clerk 3,Uh people keep showing up and telling us what they did wrong.
Customer 2,"Hey, I'm just trying to renew my license. How much longer do I gotta wait?"
Larry,"Shut up! Sit there and wait, and no cell phones or other things that pass time joyously! I'll put a stop to this!"
Cartman,"Look, I am telling you that you are making a huuuge mistake! Eric Cartman is the NSA's worst nightmare!"
Chief Joe,Not according to the Central Computer.
Cartman,The Central Computer is wrong! You need to change his status!
Chief Joe,"Sorry,  but if Central Computer says he is not a threat, then we can't do anything."
Cartman,Can't do anything?? You're the NSA!
Chief Joe,There's 300 million people out there. How do you think we're able to keep track of every single person in the country? How do you think we're able to really know who's doing what?
Cartman,I don't know.
Chief Joe,"Alright, I'll show you. But this is very top security stuff, because if people knew how we did it, then everyone would do it. Then our enemies would do it. We can't let our enemies get their hands on this."
Cartman,Get their hands on what?  Dude...
Chief Joe,This is how we know who's a threat and who's not. How we know who's sleeping and who's awake.  How we know that...
Cartman,"You think I'm fat and unimportant now?!  I AM Eric Cartman! And I've got news for you! This is all being broadcast LIVE on my Twitter Zeppelin, and on Alec Baldwin's new television show, via Shitter!"
Alec Baldwin,"Hi everybody, and welcome to my new show on MSNBC, ""Free Pass with Alec Baldwin"""
Cartman,You should have taken me out when you had the chance. Now everyone knows the truth! And everyone's gonna think I'm superkewl!
Liane,"Eric, honey, what's the matter?"
Cartman,"It didn't work, Mom! I infiltrated the NSA, and I was a whistleblower and I thought everyone would be super-pissed off at what exposed about the government, but nobody cared! Nobody cares if the government is listening in on everything! Nobody cares if Santa Claus is hooked up to a big horrible machiiiine!"
Liane,"I know that the NSA is torturing Santa, sweetie. But they're keeping us safe."
Cartman,Well now you just sound like everybody eeeelse?!
Liane,"Honey, it's okay."
Cartman,"It's not gonna be okay because now I'm a whistleblower, and against my conscience I'm gonna have to hide out in Russiaaaa!"
Liane,"No, you don't have to fly to Russia, hon."
Cartman,I do toooo!
Liane,"No, it will be fine. How about I make you some hot tea with lemon and codeine?"
Cartman,"Okaaay.  I just want hot tea and codeine, no lemon."
Liane,"Okay, hon."
Butters,Hello. How would you like to know the Truth?
Cartman,"...The fuck are you talking about, Butters?"
Butters,"It's time to let go, Eric. Don't you see there's no other way? Just let the government into your heart."
Cartman,"It's too late for me, Butters. I have to go to Russia and live with the Commie dwarfs."
Butters,It's never too late. There's a place where you can start over.
Cartman,What's this?
Butters,"Your government doesn't listen in on you to punish you, your government just wants you to be honest about your mistakes."
Cartman,I can be forgiven?
Butters,Yes.
Cartman,For everything bad I've ever done?
Butters,Yes!
Cartman,And then all I have to do is go back to this place every time I do something wrong and admit it and I'm forgiven again?
Butters,That's right.
Cartman,Thta's pretty kewl.
Butters,"We've got a new member today! Eric Cartman, do you love your country?!"
Cartman,"I do, I love my country!"
Butters,Do you pledge allegiance to the Flag?!
Cartman,I pledge it! I pledge the fucking allegiance!
Butters,Hallelujah!
Group,Yaaaaay!
Paul,"Do you want us to kick them out of here, Lar?"
Larry,"No... No, leave them alone. It's a nice change to see people happy here at the DMV.  Perhaps we here at the DMV can start changing as well. Perhaps instead of treating people badly we can offer them comfort and hope. Why, the DMV can be a place where people come to get things off their chests. Confess, yes, but also be told that they're worth something in this world! And then, DMVs everywhere can become a place where people feel safe. And when they do something wrong we can offer forgiveness! Don't you see what this could lead to? Don't you see what we could become??"
News Anchor,"The DMV was shut down today after rampant allegations of sex with young boys.  The heads of the DMV were arrested and the director stated, quote: Hey, it came with the territory. With the DMV shut down, Americans have been asked to confess all wrongdoings at their nearest post office.  We've just received word that the US Postal service has been shut down due to rampant allegations of sex with young boys. It now appears that the only people who can be trusted with confessions and guidance is your local news station. WMZ News will be back in... a young boy."
Wendy,Unless we come together as a country and realize that refugees from Syria should be considered in need-
Cartman,"Boooo!  Boo, Wendy! Boo, Wendy Testaburger, Boo!"
Wendy,Refugees from Syria should be considered in need of international protection.
Cartman,"Boo, Wendy, Boooooo! Boo Wendy."
Wendy,The vast majority of refugees from Syria are likely to meet refugee status criteria and issued benefits from-
Cartman,"Boooo, Wendy Testaburger, Boooooo!  Boo Wendy! Liar!"
Wendy,"Instead of booing my opinion, why don't you make a constructive argument?!"
Cartman,"I'm not booing your opinion, I'm booing your report topic. No one even knows what a refewgee is. Boo, booben, boo."
Wendy,"Mr. Garrison, can you do something about this, please?  Mr. Garrison?!"
Mr. Garrison,"Huh? Oh, oh, Wendy, uhhh, very nicely done. Thank you. Okay, next report,  let's have uh, Peter Mullen."
Wendy,"Ugh, Jesus!"
Peter,My report is on the vile and despicable trash that our parents are watching on television. Fellow students: there is a plague of smut on our cable boxes!  Shows that feature reenactments of unsolved crimes and spousal homicide!  I'm talking of course about  murder porn!
Butters,Murder porn?
Cartman,That's more like it.
Peter,"According to the Nielsen ratings, viewership in shows like ""Cold Case Files,"" ""Dateline: Murder,"" and ""Deadly Affairs"" is skyrocketing amongst married couples. The increased viewership has brought about a whole new slew of shows that use graphic sex, and innuendo, to make spousal murder more titillating. Shows like ""Southern Fried Homicide,"" ""Sinful Secrets,"" ""On The Case with Paula Zahn."" And it's all smut and it's garbage and it's  trash!  Your parents are watching this stuff! Go home and ask them! And as we ask them we must also ask ourselves, ""If they're obsessed with this stuff, then how long? How long before one of our daddies dresses up in lingerie and bashes Mommy's head in with a brick?"""
Randy,"Oh crap, who could that be-?! Oh it's, it's, probably fuckin' Stan! Ah, hang on a second bud.  Come on it.  Oh hey Stan, what's up?"
Narrator,"His wife is having sex with the neighbor.  And when her husband comes home,  he wants more than just a divorce."
Stan,You guys are watchin' murder porn?
Randy,"...Murder porn? Stan, this is just an investigative crime show."
Sharon,Uh adults like documentaries.
Randy,"Yes Stan, these are based on real things. This is like news. It's informative. Parents like informative stuff."
Stan,Okaaay.
Randy,Oh we missed the murder! Did he cut them up?!
Stan,What's up dude?
Cartman,"Dude, do you know Aaron Hagen?"
Stan,"Yhh, yeah, the first grader?"
Cartman,You should come down to his house. His dad just killed his mom.
Stan,...What?!
Sergeant Yates,Hey that kid should not be seeing this!
Stan,What happened?
Dad,"You're making a mistake!  Let me go! It wasn't me, I tell ya! A burglar broke in! He was black! He's the one who stabbed that nagging bitch in her fat face! He was blaaack!"
Kyle,"Guys, guys, I know we're all concerned, but we have to work together!"
Red,How is this stuff allowed to stay on the air?!
Clyde,The police found hours and hours of murder porn on the Hagens' DVR. What more proof do we need?!
Butters,"I called the networks that are putting this smut out there, and you know what they told me?! They told me if I didn't want my parents watchin', then I should spend more time with them! Like it's my fault!"
Wendy,This is the result of a broken society in which profits come before morals!
Cartman,Boooooooooo. Boooo Wendy Testaburger! Boo!
Kyle,"Look everybody, I know we all feel our hands are tied, but the fact is, we can do something about this. There's an app which can actually allow kids to block things that their parents watch on television. And it is password-protected with a security code that only a child would know."
Narrator,"Tonight at 10, it's a tale of lust, seduction, and murder, on Sexy Betrayals.  Then at 7, some like their murder with a side of sexy biscuits,  on Southern Fried Homicide. But now, get ready for lust, betrayal and murder,  on Hot Load Case Files."
Randy,Oh yeah!  Three of the best shows in a row!
Sharon,Is the lube over there?
Randy,"Yeah, I got lube right here."
Sharon,"Well get over here, big guy."
Randy,Yeah-hah!
Randy,"What the?  What the hell?  Yeah, hi, uhh, we aren't getting our informative murder porn. No, no, none of our channels that have informative murder porn appear to be working. Yeah, the screen just says ""How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?"" Uhhh yes, we do have children. A what? A parental lock?"
Randy,Stan. Stan!  How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?
Stan,What?
Randy,What is Minecraft and how do you tame a horse in it?!
Stan,You guys don't need to be watching that stuff.
Randy,"Oh come on! You can't block your parents from watching informative murder porn! What? You, you think if we watch shows about married people killing each other all the time we're gonna go out and do it?! That's stupid!  I'm not gonna go out and kill your mom just because I watch Investigate Discovery, Stan! It'd be impossible to clear away all the DNA evidence anyway! Even if I hired someone else to kill her, I'd have to kill that person too, because 96% of the time that person eventually tells the truth! I thought this through a lot!  Stan?  You're a lousy kid! I wish Jaden Smith was my son!"
Stephen,Who do out children think they are?! Blocking our TV content?!
Mrs. Tweak,How are they able to do this with their smartphones?
Randy,"It's all right. Our kids think they've outsmarted us, but we're the ones who pay the cable company!  What'd they say? Can they remove the parental lock?"
Stuart,"No, they just did their usual cable-company runaround."
Randy,"What?! We'll see about this!  Excuse me, our content is being blocked and we need it now!"
Cable Guy,"I'm sorry sir. If you need it now, perhaps you should switch to another cable company.  Ohhh there's not another cable company, is there?  Ohhh, that's right, we're the only one in town."
Randy,"Look, if our kids can block content, then you must be able to block them!"
Cable Guy,"As we told the others, sir, we can fix it. We just need to send a technician out to your house to change out your cable box."
Randy,"Oh. Well okay, great."
Cable Guy,We'll just need to find a window of time you can be home... How about between the hours of 6 am and 3 pm all of November?
Randy,"NO, I can't wait around my house from 6 am to 3 pm all of November!"
Cable Guy,"Oh, you can't?  Jeez that's too bad. You need to be home for the technician. Have you thought of switching to DirecTV?"
Randy,I can't afford DirecTV.
Cable Guy,"Oh, you can't?  Jeez, that's terrible. Then I guess you just have to work within our time windows."
Stephen,Well? Any luck?
Randy,"No, just the usual cable-company stuff."
Mrs. Tweak,"Oh well, guess we'll just have to live without our informative crime drama."
Stephen,"No, screw that! Can't we just learn this Minecraft game so we can get around our kids' parental lock?"
Randy,"I've tried! It's not like other video games. I really don't get it. It was all retro and like Legos, but, then a bunch of kids online called me a griefer and kicked me off."
Stephen,"We can learn, Randy. There's talk of a child. Word is he will teach Minecraft to anybody for the right price."
Boy,Hello?
Randy,Hi. Corey Lanskin?
Corey,Yes?
Randy,We heard that... you're willing to teach Minecraft to adults?
Corey,Fuck off!
Randy,"Look, we were told that you were available for hire and we're desperate!"
Corey,"You was told wrong, mistuh! I'm just a simple kid with a simple passion for simple things!"
Randy,We have a hundred ounces of silver.
Corey,Wipe your feet and turn off your cell phones.
Corey,Next we're going to select an empty world. Selecting an empty world will begin with you being dropped onto a beach. Now you're free to roam around and start punching trees!
Gerald,Punching trees?
Randy,"Why, why would we punch trees?"
Corey,Just use your fucking brain! How do you get wood?  'Ow do you get wood?!
Randy,Watching informative murder porn?
Corey,"NOO NOO, in this Minecraft forest, how do you get wood?!"
Randy,"Puh, punching trees?"
Corey,"Riiight. You punch the trees to get the wood, you get the wood to build a cabin."
Randy,"Oh, I see. So when does the game start?"
Corey,You are playing the game; this is the game!
Randy,...I don't get it.
Corey,"That's because you're thinkin' like a dad. Minecraft, it don't got no winner. It don't got no objective. You just fuckin' build an' shit. And seein' if other things can come and knock it down. Now, let's click on the inventory, and let's filter through the skin!"
Randy,"Yes ah, I'm getting it now."
Gerald,You are?
Randy,No.
Sharon,"Randy, it's getting late. Let's just go to sleep."
Randy,"I almost got it, Sharon. I found out where the horse is; now I just gotta figure out how to tame one."
Sharon,I'm really not in the mood now anyway.
Randy,"Sharon, I miss being intimate with you! Everything was so passionate and then it just... dropped off. I feel like we're losing our bond."
Sharon,We don't have to have sex for our relationship to be good.
Randy,"No, I know, but it's like we're just good friends. A marriage has to be more than that! A marriage has to include fulfillment of fantasy and desire sometimes. Magma cube? What the hell is a magma cube?"
Sharon,"Well I'm going to sleep, Randy."
Randy,"Okay, I'll wake you up if we get our murder porn back."
Jimmy,There he is. Hey Kyle!  The parental lock isn't working. Our parents are still watching murder porn.
Kyle,What? How do you know?
Tweek,I caught my parents over at Bebe's house watching Sunsets of Homicide. But Bebe got the lock from the cable company!
Craig,It's true. I walked in on my parents watching Marital Murder Mayhem. They broke the parental lock somehow.
Stan,That's impossible. Are you guys sure you set it up right?
Cartman,"You guys?  You guys, you'd better get over here."
Stan,What?
Cartman,Butters' dad killed his mom.
Stan,"Butters, what happened?"
Butters,"I was out by the lake last night and I saw my dad out in this field. He was harvesting sugarcane. It didn't make any sense because he was trying to harvest the sugarcane with a hammer. I saw him take my mom up to the top of this big... thing he had built, and he yelled ""Hey, watch out for the Creepers!"" but she fell!"
Stan,"Wait... wait, you mean in Minecraft?"
Butters,Yeah. And then my dad just went berserk and came over and picked me up and threw me down a well!  I was trapped down there all night!
Mr. Mackey,"Butters, your dad threw you down a well?"
Stan,In Minecraft.
Mr. Mackey,Well what the hell is that?
Butters,I finally found a ladder and I was able to hoist myself out and there was my dad... frozen in the lake! It was like he had no idea how to swim out of it! Oh God it was so terrible! It was so terrible!
Kyle,That's it.  That's how our parents broke the passcode. I never thought anyone would stoop so low!
Stan,Whattaya mean?
Kyle,Someone is teaching our parents Minecraft.
Randy,Yes?
Officer 1,"Hello sir, had a little incident last night, wondering if you saw or heard anything?"
Randy,"No, what happened?"
Officer 1,"Well, someone broke into your next door neighbor's back yard and they... dug up a bunch of holes and punched his trees."
Randy,"Punched his trees, huh?"
Officer 1,Yes sir. Then we got a house across the street where someone dug up the yard and... built a cabin.
Randy,Huh.  That's weird.
Officer 1,What were you doing last night?
Randy,I was just playing Mi- mmmmuh... my banjo.
Officer 2,I play the banjo too.
Officer 1,"Well, thanks for your time sir. You might wanna keep the lights on in your yard tonight in case someone tries to build a cabin on it as well."
Randy,"Will do, officer. Will... do..."
Kyle,"Alright, alright, let's calm down! I know we're all concerned here!"
Cartman,"Concerned?! Thanks to you and your stupid app, parents are still watching murder porn, and now they're screwing up Minecraft too!"
Craig,"I spent three hours last night trying to get Tweek's parents to stop griefing my castle! When I finally got away from them, I found they had taken all my dandelions!"
Clyde,Why did we agree to that stupid app?!
Kyle,You know why! Because we're trying to keep our parents from watching murder porn!
Cartman,"And why was that?! Because one kid's dad actually went and killed his mom! For all we know, that kid's parents have been doing drugs and cheating on each other for years! Maybe watching murder porn had nothin' to do with it!"
Wendy,I have to agree with Cartman. Maybe we overreacted when our parents-
Cartman,"Boooooo! Boo Wendy, boooo."
Stan,"It's true, dude. Maybe we just need to trust that our parents won't act out what they see."
Officer 3,"All right, that's enough. Come on out and there won't be any trouble.  Give it up, Stotch. You've nowhere to run."
Butters,Huh?
Stephen,I'll never give up!  I don't even remember doing this! Just leave me alone!
Randy,"Huhuh. Oh nice one, Stotch! Your castle fuckin' sucks!"
Stephen,"Aw, go to hell, you griefer!"
Cartman,"Alright, we've gotta do something."
Corey,Hello?
Kyle,Corey Lanskin?
Corey,Eh yes?
Kyle,We heard that you might be teaching Minecraft to adults.
Corey,"Whaaa? What's a, what's a ""Minequaf""?"
Stan,"Look dude, we're trying to keep our parents away from graphic television shows! This could be a matter of life and death!"
Corey,"Oh no, please don't be angry. My mommy's always angry. ""Get back in the meat locker!"" ""Ouchie ouchie Mommy raped my nono!"" But she loves me, right? Mommy loves me?"
Kyle,"Uh alright, sorry kid. Gue- guess we have the wrong house."
Corey,Ohhhkay.  Bye.
Stan,"What, dude?"
Cartman,"Something he said. Did you hear him? He said ""Ouchie ouchie Mommy raped my nono!"""
Stan,So?
Cartman,"You know, if I'd been caught lying about something, that's exactly what I would have said."
Corey,Now that you've built a workbench it's time to build somethin' that will take care of all those fuckin' sheep!  Just stop thinkin' with your grown-up brains and start usin' your-
Stan,Aha!
Corey,Oh shit!
Kenny,(I knew you're up to something!)
Cartman,Son of a bitch!  Don't you think there are enough griefers in the world without our parents being shown this stuff?!
Corey,"Kids gotta find some way to make a livin', don't 'e?"
Stan,"You have no idea what this is about, do you?! We were using Minecraft to block our parents from watching spousal homicide shows!"
Corey,What? You mean like Investigation Discovery?
Kyle,So you know it.
Corey,"Yeah, I've seen that stuff.  ""'Oo The Bleep Did I Marry?"", ""True Crime with Aphrodite Jones"". Real sick shit. Your parents watch that stuff?"
Kyle,"We put a stop to it, until YOU taught them Minecraft."
Corey,"Your problem ain't with me, mates. Sure, one or two people might act out what they see in video games, but cable television?  People copy everything they see people do on cable. You're goin' about this all wrong. You wanna protect your family? You're gonna have to go fight the cable company."
Cable Guy,"Hey guys, can I help you?"
Kyle,"Hello. There are certain networks that we see as harmful to our families, and we want them removed, please."
Cable Guy,"Ohhh, you don't want cable anymore?"
Stan,"No no,  just Ivy Network, A&E, Oxygen, and Oprah's network. All the ones with murder porn."
Cable Guy,"You don't like paying for all the channels?  Ohh, our company actually packages channels together."
Stan,"Look, can you unpackage them so we only get the channels we want?"
Cable Guy,"Oh I'm sorry. Our company doesn't work that way.  You want me to give you the number of a different cable company that can-  Oh wait, we're it, aren't we?  Dangit, I guess you have to deal with our packages."
Kyle,Can we talk to your supervisor please?!
Cable Guy,"Oh, sure. Hey David?"
David,"Hi, is there a problem here?"
Stan,We want specific networks dropped from our cable.
David,Ohhh you have to pay for the bundle. You can't just pay for what you wanna watch. Darn it.
Kyle,You mean that we're forced to pay for the Oprah channel?
Cable Guy,"I guess if you don't wanna be forced to pay for Oprah, you're gonna have to shut off your cable altogether."
Kyle,"Fine,  then we'll shut our cable off altogether!"
David,Hey Mitch? When can you get out to shut off some cable boxes?
Mitch,"Oh man, it's gonna be like three weeks. There's a whole plug I have to pull out; it's like four inches long."
David,"Three weeks, huh? Okay, is three weeks from now okay with you guys?"
Stan,"No, that's way too long!"
Cable Guy,Oh it is?
David,"Oh Jeez, that's terrible."
Stan,"Goddammit, I just don't want my parents to murder each other!  Can't you see that all we're trying to do is keep our families safe? Look, ah I don't know if seeing couples murder each other on television is gonna make my parents do it, and we probably won't be able to stop them from watching what they wanna watch. All we're trying to do is make it a little more difficult for them. Because cable makes is so convenient. Sure, if they didn't have easy access to their murder porn channels, they'd be bummed out, but it's not just our responsibility to give them what they want. Is it?"
David,Say... say that last part again?
Stan,What?
David,Well what was the last part you said?
Stan,I said it's not our responsibility to give them what they want.
David,"Nono, the part about your parents not getting the channels easily?"
Stan,I... said it would really bum them out.
David,How...  How much would it bum them out?
Announcer,"Ladies and gentlemen, please stand by for an important message from the president of your local cable company."
President,"Hello. In an effort to comfort the anguished cries or children everywhere, your local cable company has decided to drop all networks that sexualize spousal homicides from regular programming. Customers still wishing to view true-crime networks will now need to purchase a separate package  which will require a technician to service your cable box every night from 2 to 3 am. and must include the purchase of 300 channels in Portuguese. We realize this may be an inconvenience to you, and we hope you will voice ALL your concerns to us, because at your local cable company the customer is always... our bitch."
Randy,"Jaden Smith lets his parents do whatever they want. You know what? The guys at work, they took a bet on who would win in a fight, you or Jaden Smith, and they all said Jaden Smith could kick your ass! He does movies and he can sing, and he's totally cool to his parents!"
Stan,"Well then maybe you should go live with Jaden Smith, Dad."
Randy,I wish I could! I wish I could live with Jaden Smith so I could be rich and I wouldn't have to live in a boring sexless marriage where all your mom and I do piss each other off!  Oh crap.
Randy,"Sharon, I'm I'm sorry."
Sharon,"No, you'r right, Randy. Without any sex we just seem to get madder and madder at each other."
Randy,"No, no, you're right, Sharon. We don't need informative murder porn to find passion in our marriage. We just have to get the spark back. Let's go away somewhere, me and you! Somewhere exciting and beautiful where we can just focus on us."
Randy,"Sharon? Heh, hey Sharon, are you here?"
Sharon,"I'm here, Randy."
Randy,"It's beautiful, isn't it? Come on ever here, I built us a fire. Look what I got you."
Sharon,Diamonds.  They're beautiful
Randy,Just thought I'd surprise you. And there's more where that came from.
Sharon,"I've got a surprise for you too, Randy."
Randy,"Oh yeah? What's that?  AAAGH!  Sharon, what the effing fuck was that?!"
Sharon,Sorry. I couldn't resist.
Randy,"Jesus, you stuck a pick axe right in my skull!"
Sharon,Oh I did! That felt really great.
Randy,Felt great?
Sharon,Yeah...
Randy,"Well, hold on, stay by the lake. I wanna kill you now."
Sharon,"Okay.  Oh my God, you put that sword right through my face!"
Randy,That felt so good!
Sharon,My turn again.
Randy,"Okay, hang on."
Sharon,I've always thought about murdering you in your sleep. Can you go to the cabin and get in bed?
Randy,"Yeah, okay, I'm headin' there now."
Sharon,You lazy jerk! You never do anything around the house!
Randy,"OH! Ohoho, you bitch!  Ohohunh."
Sharon,"Oh I love you, Randy."
Randy,I love you too babe.  OH!
Cartman,"Hey Token!  What's up, bro?"
Token,Nothing.
Cartman,"""Nothin'"" Me neither. Nothin's goin' on. Sucks.  Everything good with you?"
Token,Yeah.
Cartman,"Sweet.  Hey Jimmy, what are you doin'?"
Jimmy,"Uh, I'm just gettin' ready for cla-"
Cartman,"Yeah, I'm just hangin' out with Token. Did you know that if it wasn't for African-Americans, we wouldn't have Rock & Roll? So cool that we have a black President.  About time."
Stan,Is he doing it again?
Kyle,He's doing it a-gain.
Cartman,"Dude, um, what are doing after school, Token? You wanna, you wanna hang out?"
Token,"I uhhh, have band practice."
Cartman,"God you are sooo cool. Alright bro, I'll catch you at recess.  Fist bump. Fist bump, bro."
Stan,"Cartman, are you feeling alright?"
Cartman,"Yeah, I feel great. Why?  You think something's wrong?"
Herbert Garrison,"Alright, now the French Revolution was basically started by a young man named Marius. , who only knew Jean Valjean as an older man, and uh-  ...uh, the French government at the time was led by Javert, who was trying to-"
Cartman,"Mister!  No! Stop, Token, stop! My brains! Stop eating my brains! Brad Pitt!  Hey Token. What's up, bro?  Fist bump?"
Mr. Mackey,"Eric, somethin' is clearly wrong, m'kay, and it would be best to jus' get it out in the open."
Cartman,It's Token. I think he's a ticking time bomb.
Mr. Mackey,And why do you think Token is a tickin' time bomb?
Cartman,He's pissed off. Because of something that happened a long time ago but he won't forget.
Mr. Mackey,Do you think he blames you for somethin'?
Cartman,"But it wasn't me, it wasn't my fault!"
Mr. Mackey,"Wull have you, thought about maybe writin' your feelin's down? In a poem? Uh- write a poem and give that to, g-give that to Token?"
Cartman,"No, it's too gay. It would only make things worse."
Mr. Mackey,"Well Eric, you need to do somethin' because you keep losing sleep. M'kay and sleep is very important to your success at school. M'kay?"
Cartman,M'kay. Ahah-I'll be m'kay.
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, you sure? Because I'm here when you need me."
Cartman,M'kay.
Cartman,"No, Token! Leave Brad Pitt alone! Brad Pitt is fighting zombies! No ah Token, Token!"
Karin,"Eat your breakfast, girls."
Rachel,Where's Daddy?
Karin,You can eat without your father in the room. Now hurry.
Rachel,Daddy!
Gerry,"Good morning, girls.  Save Daddy any pancakes? Look at that? Six A.M. and my family is already smiling."
Karin,How did I get such a perfect husband?
Gerry,How did I get such a beautiful wife?
Rachel,"I love you, Dad."
Gerry,"I love you too, Princess. I love both of you, equally."
Karin,"Nothing can ever go wrong, so long as we all have each other."
Reporter,"Today apparently will be the day! CNN has just received word that a verdict in the George Zimmerman trial is expected to come at any moment! Zimmerman is accused of shooting Trayvon Martin, and a jury will now decide his fate."
Constance,"Daddy, who is Trayvon Martin?"
Gerry,Nobody. L-let's just get you girls to school.
Gerry,Is it bigger than a bread box?
Rachel,"What's a bread box, Dad?"
Constance,"Heehee, Dad is so kewl."
Karin,You can say that again.
Gerry,Why aren't we moving? What's gong on?
Reporter,"We interrupt this cool song for a news bulletin. A verdict has just been handed down in the case of George Zimmerman. In a shocking turn of events, the jury has found George Zimmerman not guilty!"
Gerry,Oh my God.
Reporter,"Many African-Americans are outraged by the verdict, and they are most likely about to go totally nanners."
Gerry,AAAAAH!
Protester,"Fuck you, Brad Pitt!"
Gerry,"Let's bail!  Everyone get out of the car! Go!  Oh my god RUN!  WAAH! Token. No, Token, we had nothing to do with this. I know you're pissed off, but but be reasonable!"
Token,"Fuck you, Brad Pitt!"
Gerry,No! Nonono!  Nooo!
Cartman,Hey Token? How are you doing?
Token,I'm good.
Cartman,That's awesome. I'm so stoked that we're best friends.  Fist bump.  Fist bump.
Cartman,"No! My wife, Token! Token, that's my wife!"
Token,"Okay, really?"
Cartman,No Token! Stop beating my daughter! NOOO!
Mr. Mackey,"Now Eric, whatever it is you and Token are going through, you need to talk through it, m'kay? The problems you two are havin' have become a distraction for everybody else. Agreed?"
Cartman,Agreed.
Mr. Mackey,"Okay. Token, come on in, please."
Cartman,"Hoh boy, here we go."
Mr. Mackey,"Token, I've been talkin' with Eric and he's really upset that you two aren't gettin' along. You have some things you wanna say, Eric?"
Cartman,"Token, I wasn't on that jury. Okay?"
Token,...What jury?
Cartman,"This grudge that you're holding against an entire group of people should be directed at just a few, not at me."
Mr. Mackey,"Okay Token, what are your feelings about that?"
Token,I don't know what to say.
Cartman,"I wrote a poem. Is it okay if I read my poem?  It's called ""I Was Not The Bullet."" I was not the bullet. I was not the gun.I was not the juror that set the shooter free.I was not the trigger. I was not the hate.Nor was I the judge, but still, you judge me?I was not the black family mourning for the dead.""Oooo, somebody shot our children. Lordy, what we do now?""I was not the verdict."
Token,This isn't a poem. It doesn't even rhyme.
Cartman,"It's going to rhyme, Token, just hold on.I was not the shooter. I was not the gun.So Token, you should be cool while we're all here at school."
Token,Can I go back to class now?
Mr. Mackey,"Eric, do you feel better about all this?"
Cartman,"Yeah, yeah I do. I think we really had a breakthrough here."
Mr. Mackey,"Okay, thanks Token."
Cartman,It's gonna be okay. I think we're all safe now.
Cheerleaders,"We are Cows, proud and true! Come on, South Park, moo moo moo! Goooo Cows!"
Principal Victoria,"Ooookay, thank you, cheerleaders. That was very nice. Ahhh, next we have a student who would like to perform an original rap song,  based on his award-winning poem, ""I Was Not The Bullet,"" with backup music by Butters Stotch."
Cartman (Butters),"Black or white, it's alright. Black or white, let's not fight.I was not the bullet. I was not the gun.I was not the jury, so don't blame me, son!James my man was wrong (It's not our fault). James my man was wrong (It's not Eric's fault).Black or white, it's alright. Black or white, let's not fight.White people say Ho-oh!"
The kids,Ho-oh.
Cartman,Black people say He-ey!  Cool. White people say Ho ho!
The kids,Ho ho!
Cartman,"Black people say Hey hey hey!  Uh oh, I think the white people are winning! White people got you beat, black people; you'd better represent! Let me hear you say ""I don't blame the white people. No no no!"""
Token,"Alright, that's enough!  You think I should feel bad for you because of the Trayvon Martin verdict?!"
Cartman,"Token, calm down."
Token,What the hell is wrong with you?! Why are you all here listening to this?!
Cartman,Oh God here it comes! Get down everybody! Get down now!
Cartman,"Clear the streets! Everyone clear the streets! We've gotta get the fuck out of here!  Mom it's starting! We've gotta go!  Come on, come on!  Come on, we've gotta move! It's spreading! Let's go!"
Woman,Does that little boy have a gun?
Man,Get inside.
Woman,But-
Man,Get inside!
Cartman,Driiive! You've gotta driiive! Nooow!
Driver,What's going on?!
Cartman,Get to an airport!
Driver,An airport?! But...?
Cartman,"We've got about ten minutes before this entire country is up in flames! If you wanna live, you'd better step on the gas! Oh wait, is this a Tesla? Shit! Well press on the prissy pedal! We're gonna die!!"
Announcer,Now calling rows 10 through 30 for boarding.
Cartman,The outbreak has started! We've gotta get the fuck out of here!
Passenger 1,An outbreak?
Passenger 2,Which one?
Cartman,Get on the flight! Let's move! Let's go go go go!  Oh my God!
Pilot,"My God, what's going on out there?"
Cartman,The outbreak's starting! Fly the plane now!
Copilot,Maybe now you can tell us what the hell is going on?!
Cartman,The e-... The end of the world? We've got one shot and one shot only and that's to find a place where the contagion won't reach us!
Passenger 3,What contagion? My wife didn't get on the plane.  Take this plane back to Denver!
Cartman,You don't understand. There's no Denver left to go back to!
Captain,Alright what the hell is going on here?!
Worker 1,"We don't know anything. First there was talk of a hijacking, then reports of an outbreak of some kind."
Worker 2,Confirmed report of panic in a rural town in the Colorado Rockies!
Worker 3,"Sir, the pilot of flight 82 wants an update. They're asking permission to land."
Captain,Stall them. I don't want that plane landing anywhere until we know what the hell we're dealing with!
Worker 4,"Sir, you'd better look at this. This was found in the airport lavatory. It seems to be a survival guide of some kind."
Captain,Survival of what?
Worker 4,"From the looks of it, a contagion outbreak of the worst kind."
Captain,Oh my God.
Pilot,"DA43 to tower, please advise!  Damnit! They aren't telling me anything!"
Copilot,Do you think it's a virus?
Pilot,"Virus, bacteria, either way we're all dead! Find out if he thinks it's safe to land in Los Angeles."
Copilot,What about Los Angeles? Can we take the plane to Los Angeles?
Cartman,Not a chance. By now most of the urban cities will be compromised. This whole things from city to city. We need to go somewhere the trend won't take hold. Like Iceland.
Copilot,This plane won't make it to Iceland!
Passenger 3,"You got a better idea, asshole?!"
Cartman,Everyone quiet! I have to think!
Driver,"Yes, let him think!"
Cartman,I can't think here. I need a magazine and a toilet.
Occupant,"Oh, I'm just finishing up."
Cartman,Nah!
Occupant,Hey!
Cartman,One of them is in the back!
Driver,What?!
Passenger 3,What do you mean?!
Copilot,Everyone just calm down! We have to stay in control!
Passenger 4,I won't become one of them!
Copilot,Shoot it!
Girls,"Engine engine #9 running down Chicago Line, if the train should jump the track do you want your money back?"
Butters,Yes.
Girls,Y-E-S spells yes-
Mr. Mackey,"Now, Token, what you need to understand, m'kay, is that a school assembly is not the time and the place to be yellin' and causin' distractions. M'kay? If there's somebody causin' you problems, then we don't disrupt the assembly, m'kay. You come and you talk to me."
Token,He's just out looking for trouble.
Mr. Mackey,"Well that's your side of it, Token, but you know Eric has his side as well. Have you thought about maybe writin' him a poem? M'kay? Write E- write Eric a poem, tell him how you feel.  You know, m'kay? Well I'm tellin' you, Token, you let it go, and he'll let it go, and it'll all be fine. Can ya?"
Driver,"No, the plane crashed. We're in the Colorado mountains somewhere.  Matt? Matt?!  My husband. He said the outbreak was all over the news, but everything was totally fine where he was."
Cartman,"Totally fine? Then it hasn't happened yet. Oh my God, we still have time!"
Pilot,"Help! Help me!  Please, I have two little girls in Chicago. Please find them!"
Cartman,It's okay. We have reason to believe it hasn't spread yet.
Pilot,Then you have to stop it.
Driver,Yes!
Pilot,And there must be... a Patient Zero... The person it all starts from.
Cartman,His name is Token.
Driver,"We have to kill him, before he infects everyone else!"
Cartman,I won't do it! He used to be my friend!
Pilot,You have to! You have to be strong. If you can stop this- if you can save the world- then you have to do it.  Promise me! Promise... me!
Cartman,Alright. I promise. I won't let the black people riot and destroy the world.
Pilot,"Thank you-wait, what?"
Driver,Oh my God! Oh my God!
Cartman,We're gonna live through this! Do you hear me?!
Driver,Yes!
Cartman,Come on!
Reporter,"First, a wave of 911 calls about a virus, and now a plane has apparently gone down in the Colorado Rocky Mountains. Is this the beginning of the end?"
Butters,Oh boy! Zombie apocalypse!
Reporter,"The government is looking for a Patient Zero, going only off of this sketch which was found in a notebook at the airport.Anyone with information regarding Patient Zero is asked to contact the authorities immediately."
Butters,Holy Moly.
Jimbo,Can I help you?
Cartman,Stay by the window! Tell me if anything changes!  I need something that can shoot with complete accuracy from a distance.
Jimbo,"Alright, you want a rifle!  well, like this .22 caliber.  What is it you intend to shoot?"
Cartman,A person.
Jimbo,...You mean a person who's threatening you?
Cartman,Threatening all of us!
Driver,"Please, please hurry! It's important!"
Jimbo,"Well, you should be fine so long as the person breaks into your house and is an immediate threat to you."
Cartman,What?! How am I supposed to get a person to break into my house?!
Jimbo,"You can't shoot someone who threatens you just out on the street. Well unless of course you're in a state that has a ""stand your ground"" law."
Cartman,Stand my ground?
Driver,Please! We're running out of time!
Jimbo,"See now with a ""stand your ground"" law, you could legally shoot somebody that's threatening you whether they're in your house or not."
Cartman,"Yes yes, that's what I need! I'll take that!"
Jimbo,"No, no, see, you've gotta be IN a state with a ""stand your ground"" law, like Florida."
Cartman,"This is hopeless. How am I supposed to shoot Token with all these stupid rules?!  Wait a minute. I can't shoot Token,  but I can shoot anyone I want in Florida?"
Jimbo,So long as they're threatening you.
Driver,"What?! What is it, please?! Hurry, my husband might still be alive!"
Cartman,The other way to stop the outbreak. Token isn't the only Patient Zero. The outbreak won't happen if... we shoot George Zimmerman. We have to get to Florida!
Cartman,"Let's go, let's go! Let's move move move move! Let's go!"
Flight Attendant,This plane is going to Baltimore.
Cartman,"If we don't get to Florida there's not going to be a Baltimore left!  Black guy in the back!  Alight, now let's find Zimmerman."
Cartman,Put this on. We have to stay hidden from here out.
Driver,What are we going to do?
Cartman,I'm going to flush out Patient Zero. And you're gonna shoot him. It's the only way.
Driver,What if he attacks us first?
Cartman,"Don't worry, nobody can see us wearing black."
Driver,"I haven't had the time to thank you, for doing what you've d-"
Mom,"Eat your breakfast, girls."
Older Daughter,Where's Daddy?
Mom,You can eat without your father in the room. Now hurry.
Older Daughter,Daddy!
George Zimmerman,"Good morning, girls.  Save Daddy any pancakes? Look at that? Six A.M. and my family is already smiling."
Mom,"How did I get such a perfect husband, Geroge Zimmerman?"
George Zimmerman,And how did I get such a beautiful wife?
Older Daughter,"I love you, Dad."
George Zimmerman,"I love you too, Princess. I love both of you, equally."
Mom,"Nothing can ever go wrong, so long as we all have each other."
Reporter,"Is there any hope for stopping the zombie apocalypse?  CNN has just received word that the government has learned the identity of Patient Zero.  The nine year old threat to humanity has been tracked down, and measures are being taken to stop him."
Younger Daughter,"Daddy, what's a Patient Zero?"
Agent 1,"Hello, Mr. Zimmerman. Your country needs you."
George Zimmerman,What do you need from me?
Agent 1,We...  need you to shoot a young African-American for us.
George Zimmerman,I gave that up.
Agent 2,"You're the best, Zimmerman. We just need you to do it one more time, for the security of the world!"
George Zimmerman,"Damnit, I have a wife and kids now."
Agent 1,"Then do it for your family!  This is about protecting people, Zimmerman! Keeping our streets safe so that our children are free to go out..."
George Zimmerman,Something's wrong.  Look out!
Agent 1,"My God, I didn't even see him."
Agent 2,"Nice work, Zimmerman."
George Zimmerman,Are you guys okay?
Older Daughter,"What was that, Daddy?"
George Zimmerman,More needless violence.
Agent 1,"Nonsense, you did what you had to. You're a hero."
George Zimmerman,"That may be true, but I'll have to live with this the rest of my life. Even though I'll be walking around a free man."
Agent 2,"Hey, wait a minute. This kid isn't black, he's white."
George Zimmerman,"Wait, what?"
Judge,Guilty!
Reporter,"The zombie apocalypse... is over. All the panic, crashing planes and chaos appear to have, for some reason, died with George Zimmerman. And as for the little boy who was so mercilessly gunned down?  Although he survived the shooting, his wishes are to remain anonymous, giving the hospital only the nickname... ""Brad Pitt."" ...But cooler."
Stan,That sure wasn't much of a zombie apocalypse.
Kyle,"Yeah, that sucked."
Butters,"Well, at least I'll bet Token's glad it's over with. Aren't you, Token?"
Cartman,Hey Token. ...Sup bro? ...How's it goin' dude? I know how it feels now.
Token,You made everyone think I'm a fucking Patient Zero!
Cartman,"Dude, I'm saying I'm sorry."
Token,So what?!
Cartman,"Uh oh.  Sounds like you're still angry, Token."
Token,Fuck you!
Cartman,"Alright Token, come on! This is ridiculous. I know you totally wanna kick my ass right now. You'd like to walk right up and punch me in the face, but what's that gonna solve? I've got a way better idea.  First bump?  Come on dude, fist bump. Bump that shit bro. Be the bigger person."
Token,Oh!
Cartman,"That was, he was on my ground. You all saw that, right? Everything inside the red line is mine.  Inside the red line is, that's- that's my ground. He was on it."
Gerry's Daughters,Daddy!
Gerry,What's up girls? Daddy did it!
Cartman,Ugh! Oh man. The ending to that movie was so terrible.
Kyle,You're having nightmares about the ending to World War Z again?
Cartman,Yeah. So bad.
Kyle,That's what bothering you? Not the fact that you're a murderer?
Cartman,"Jury found me innocent, Kyle!"
Kyle,You're a murderer.
Cartman,You interrupt people when they talk.
Mr. Mackey,Eric Cartman to the counselor's office please.
Cartman,Oh man!
Cartman,Oh boy.
Mr. Mackey,"Have a seat, Eric. Now boys, I for one am sick and tired of this little feud you're having, okay? This has clearly gone too far, and you owe each other an apology or you're gettin' detention!"
Token,An apology?! He shot me!
Mr. Mackey,"Well he was technically standing his ground, Token."
Cartman,"Yeah Token, that's the law! Everything inside the red line is lava."
Token,Well it's a pretty fucking stupid law!
Cartman,"Token, calm down."
Token,And why does standing your ground not apply to fucking white people?!
Cartman,"Oh God, here we go again!"
"A singer, Goth Kids (singing)",(South Park Theme#Goth Kids 3: Dawn of the Posers Lyrics)
Henrietta,"So I cast my body into the trails of blood.The knife pierces deep, deep into my lonely eyes.So I can see this black world... no more."
Pete,Whoa... That's pretty hardcore.
Michael,That's real pain right there.
Henrietta,"That's how I feel, when my mother abuses me. I just wanna escape, to she can't hurt me anymore."
Mrs. Biggle,"Henrietta, sweetie."
Henrietta,"Shut up, Mom! Go away!"
Mrs. Biggle,"Oh, but remember, Daddy wanted to talk to you in the living room, my dark little princess."
Henrietta,Stop calling me a princess! I'm not a beauty queen in a Disney movie!
Mrs. Biggle,We'll be waiting in the living room.
Henrietta,"God, she just never stops!"
Mrs. Biggle,Oh goodness I am so nervous.
Henrietta,What?!
Mr. Biggle,"Have a seat, Henrietta."
Mrs. Biggle,"Oh, a little family chit-chaaat."
Henrietta,"Shut up, Mom!"
Mr. Biggle,"Henrietta, as you know, your mother and I have been concerned about your behavior for some time."
Henrietta,Are we really doing this again?!
Mr. Biggle,"We've had a hard time coping with the dark things you're into, but we've finally had some counseling, and apparently we're not the only parents who have a child that is... emo."
Henrietta,What?!
Mrs. Biggle,"But Daddy and I love our little muffin, even if she's emo or not."
Henrietta,I'm not a fucking emo! Don't you even know the fucking diff!
Mr. Biggle,Do you know how your foul language breaks your mother's heart?
Mrs. Biggle,Like calling Mommy Demon Jizz.
Mr. Biggle,"So listen, sweetie, we've found a camp."
Henrietta,Noo...
Mr. Biggle,"A camp which is for troubled kids like you, and you get to work outside and learn about responsibility."
Henrietta,I'm not going to any fucking camp!
Mr. Biggle,"It's for two weeks, and when you come back we can talk about earning back some of your privileges."
Henrietta,I won't come back because I'll be fucking dead. I'll walk out of that camp and I'll walk the streets until I probably get picked up and gangbanged by criminals until I'm bleeding out my fucking eyes!!
Mrs. Biggle,Theeeey have a horseshoe pit where you can challenge the other kids to horsehoooes.
Pete,And that's all you know? what else did she say?
Michael,She said that her parents called her an emo and she had to go to this camp for two weeks.
Pete,"Oh my God, for two weeks?"
Firkle,Is she at the camp now?
Michael,"I don't know.  She texted from the bus they put her on, then she said she wasn't even allowed to have her cell phone where she was going. Then all of a sudden her texts went dark."
Pete,Whoa...
Firkle,That's fucking creepy man.
Michael,I just can't believe it. I can't believe parents would do that to their child.
Worker,"Alright now, you say that you witnessed your friend being abused by her parents."
Michael,Yes. They called her an emo.
Worker,What's wrong with that?
Michael,"Emos suck! Their vile, self-pitying, depressed assholes!"
Worker,"So, why do you think they called her that?"
Michael,"Because she's Goth, and some ignorant people don't know the difference!"
Worker,What is the difference?
Pete,Oh my God! They're totally different!
Worker,"Okay, different how?"
Pete,"They're achm, you know, one is good and an' emos are horrible!  You're, you know... They're posers!"
Firkle,Emos suck my Goth balls.
Michael,"Alright alright, think of it this way: a goth believes that deep down the world is totally fucked up. But an emo thinks that deep down, they are totally fucked up."
Worker,That's not much of a difference.
Pete,That's a huge fucking difference!
Michael,"Okay okay, look, emos are more prone to suicide."
Pete,"This fuckin' bitch, man."
Michael,But goths are more prone to be depressed that so many people commit suicide
Pete,Goth's darkness is nihilistic whereas Emo's is cynical.
Michael,"Wait, I thought we were cynical. ...What what whatever, it doesn't matter."
Pete,"No, see, you're nihilistic."
Michael,"Oh yeah, you're right."
Henrietta,Hel-lo?! Somebody let me out of here! You can't treat people like this!  This is fucking ridiculous! What's wrong with you?! I'm gonna go to the fucking cops when I get out of here!
Pete,"What if she comes back, and she's all preppy and conformist?"
Michael,She's only been there two weeks. They can't have changed her that much. Can they have?
Firkle,Oh. My. God.
Henrietta,Hey guys.
Pete,What the hell have they done to you?
Henrietta,What do you mean? They couldn't do anything. They can't fix me. They don't even understand me.
Michael,Oh my God it's worse than we thought! They made her emo!
Michael,Has she said one word to either one of you guys?
Pete,Nothing. It's like she's a totally different person.
Michael,She won't even look at us. All she does now is hang out with the douchebag emo kids.
Emo Boy,"God, PE class is for such wannabe posers."
Emo Girl,I'd rather kill myself than put on gym shorts.
Henrietta,"I wish there would just be an earthquake, so we could all die."
Pete,"Uugh, how could she hang out with them??"
Michael,There must something else going on here.
Henrietta,Not now Mom! I'm suicidal!
Michael,"It's not your mom, it's me."
Henrietta,"Oh, hey."
Michael,What did they do you you? At that camp?
Henrietta,What do you mean? Just the usual group therapy crap.
Michael,"Don't take this the wrong way, but I think that place turned you into an emo."
Henrietta,"That's ridiculous. I'm not anything. I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not emo, okay?"
Michael,"Then why are you listening to Sunny Day Real Estate?  I was thinking, maybe they just made you confused at that place. Maybe they didn't know what they were doing. But then I started thinking, maybe that place... turned you emo on purpose. Like maybe they knew what they were doing."
Henrietta,You should probably stop digging for answers.
Michael,What?!
Henrietta,There's no winning this for you.  Soon the entire world will be emo. It is our time.
Michael,Nooo waaaaay.
Henrietta,Nobody understands us. And they won't understand until it is faaar tooo late.
Michael,Omigodnowaaaaaaaaay.
Henrietta,"Do not fight it, Michael. Is being emo really all that different from being goth?  Join us!"
Michael,No waaay!  No way no waaaaaay!
A ring tone,Death and despair! Death and despair! Death and despair! Death and desp-
Pete,Hello?
Michael,It's worse thann we thought.
Pete,What is? Everything?
Michael,"No! I mean Henrietta. I confronted her and she was all like ""I am emo! And emos are going to rule the world"" and I was like ""No waaay!"" and she was like ""Yeah, soon it will be too late."" and I was all ""No waaay!"""
Pete,No way.
Michael,"Yeah, so listen: call up Firkle and meet me at Village Inn. I gotta run home, but I'll be there in ten minutes."
Mom,Michael! Michael!
Michael,"Can't now, Mom! I've got an emergency!"
Dad,"In the dining room Michael! Let's go!  Have a seat, son.  Your mom and I have decided you're going to go away for a little while."
Michael,What??
Dad,We've been put in touch with this camp for troubled kids like you and-
Michael,What the hell are you talking about?!
Mom,"This place gonna fix you, make you normal child!"
Michael,No! You've gotta listen to me! You don't know what you're doing!!  You fucking conformists!  They're evillll!
Pete,I never thought it would end like this. I never thought that Goths would just be slowly replaced by Emos.
Firkle,Pete... if they get me... if I get sent to that camp... and I come back Emo... kill me. Promise that you'll kill me.
Pete,I promise.
Waitress,"Hey, you kids need to order somethin' or you need to go!"
Pete,"Not now, lady, we're really depressed."
Waitress,So what else is new?
Pete,"This is different, okay?! Our two friends are being bodysnatched by Emos!  There's only one other group who understands Emos like we do. We're gonna have to team up with the Vampires."
Firkle,Are you crazy?
Pete,What choice do we have?!
Firkle,"The Vampires are our sworn enemy. We beat up their leader, and burned down their lair. Don't you remember?"
Pete,"Yeah I remember. And it may be a suicide mission, but we have to walk right in the middle of the Vampires, and ask them for help."
Vampir,"Okay, let's all be seated please?  This is thee noon meeting of the Vamp kids? I am Mike, your lord and dark master, per se."
Vamps,Hail Mike.
Mike,"Okay uhhh, our main order of business is of course the Halloween social. We're still looking for volunteers to make the-"
Mohawk Vamp,It's the Goth kids!
Pete,"Ugh. You spit on me, Larry.  Uhh, hey everybody, uuhm, I know we aren't on the greatest terms right now. We realize we called you all queermos, aaand we're sorry we burned down the Hot Topic at the mall."
Firkle,Sorry.
Pete,"But uhhh we have a bigger problem here, and it's ALL of our problem."
Mike,You've got a lot of nerve coming here!
Pete,"Now, shut up Mike. Listen, okay? There's a camp that kids like us are being sent to, a-and somehow this place is taking kids like us and... turning them Emo.  Yeah. You might not even be able to tell at first. It could have already happened. One of you might already be turned."
Black Vamp,Okay hold up! Hold up! You mean that one of us might not really be a Vamp kid?
Pete,"Uhhhhh, right."
Black Vamp,"Well whoever you is, you better get yo' ass ready to run, muthafucka, 'cause you're a damn traitor! And I bet you it's this little nigga right here!"
Henrietta,Are you guys getting into that Fall Out Boy concert?
Emo Girl,I can't. I'm too depressed. I keep cutting myself.
Henrietta,Yeah. I'm cutting myself to hurt this worthless body that I'm in.
Mrs. Biggle,"Henrietta, I baked cookies for your new little Emo friends."
Henrietta,"Not now, Mom! Can't you see I'm hurting?!  I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment! Sorry I'm not the pretty cheerleader ya always wanted!"
Mr. Biggle,Does she still seem better?
Mrs. Biggle,"Oh, much better! She didn't call me a bitch, and she actually apologized to me."
Mr. Biggle,Well that's more like it.
Emo Boy 1,"You know what we should do? After us Emos take over the Earth? We should um, paint the White House black. And we should have Fall Out Boy at the Super Bowl."
Emo Boy 2,We're Emos.  When we rule the Earth we're not gonna have football.
Emo Boy 1,Oh yeah.
Mike,And you say she just showed up like this?
Pete,You know Henrietta; that thing in there is not Henrietta!
Cowlick Vamp,That blonde Emo is Sarah Collins. She was a Vamp kid two weeks ago.
Black Vamp,You want me to go in there and waste these mothafuckas?! I'll do it!
Pete,We can't just go in there and kick their asses. We have to stop this thing at its source.
Mike,"Indeed. If there is some kind of black magic at work creating these monsters, then we will have to use our most powerful Vampiric abilities to stop it."
Cowlick Vamp,Do you mean?
Mike,"Yes, my child of darkness. We must call upon the powers of the Vamp kids' most sacred entity, per se. Only he can help us in this darkest time. This calls... for a summoning."
Mike,"We call upon the creator of all that is dark! The godfather of Death and Despair! Edgar Allan Poe, your followers in darkness beg for your help!  We summon to the world of the living the great Edgar Allan Poe! Knower of all that is misery! Your children need special guidance! Per se."
Pete,"This, is your plan?! Try to summon Edgar Allan Poe back from the dead?!"
Mike,Edgar Allan Poe was the original Vamp kid.
Pete,"No, he was the original Goth, but he'd been dead for 150 years!"
Black Vamp,"Ey, look man! All genres of Gothic subcultures are derivatives of Poe's work. Muthafucka!"
Pete,"Look, we came to you for help, and all you've done since then is waste our time!"
Cowlick Vamp,Holy shit look!
Poe,Where am I? What is this place?
Firkle,It's him! It's Edgar Allan Poe.
Poe,Why have the living summoned me from my rest?
Pete,"Uhhhhh okayokay, listen: there's this camp for troubled kids, right? Only they aren't helping kids, they're, they're purposefully turning them into Emos."
Poe,"Emos? ...Ew-oh my God, Emos are such wannabe conformists."
Mike,"Yeah, oh yes!"
Pete,Right!
Poe,"Children of Darkness, I would help you, but I fear I cannot be seen with a bunch of douchey Vamp kids and their poser-ass plastic fangs."
Pete,Thank you!
Mike,Hey!
Pete,I'm just saying it's nice to know that Edgar Allan Poe agrees wth us.
Poe,"Agrees with who? Is that red dye in your hair or did a blood demon take a shit on your head, poser?"
Black Vamp,"Ah ah! He got you there, nigga!"
Pete,"Okay, look, we're running out of time. You have to help us stop the Emos."
Poe,Why should I? Just 'cause you summoned me doesn't mean you're the boss of me!
Pete,"Uh, yeah, it kind of does."
Poe,"Oh okay, Mom. Let's go fight the Emos, Mom."
Michael,What? Where are you tay- No! NO!!  What the hell?? ...Oh my God.  Get me out of here! Let me go!
Gardener,Shhhhh.  It's best you don't upset them.
Michael,What the hell are you doing to people?!
Gardener,"Not me. I just work for them. They're not evil, you know? They're just misunderstood. All I do is help the Emos get into their human hosts. They promised me when they take over Earth I can have a cabin on the lake, and all the steak I can eat."
Michael,Wait a minute. Emos are plants?
Gardener,"Shhh, shhh, it's okay. Not just any plants. They're very unique. Very special. Nobody undertands them. Emoclarus americanus. Wonderful species. Except for their tendencies of self-mutilation and the need for other species to acknowledge their pain."
Michael,"Oh, it all makes sense now!"
Gardener,"Oh! I'm sorry. Sorry, Emo King.  Oh no, I wasn't talking to him. I mean, I was, but- Y-yes! Yes, I understand.  Right away."
Michael,No.  What are you doing?! I don't wanna be emo!
Gardener,You just don't understand. You'll understand them soon.
Michael,What the...?
Gardener,It's quicker if you don't fight it.
Michael,"No, NOOOOOOOOO!"
Pete,"Alright, listen up. Once we find our friend, we've gotta torch the place and get out."
Firkle,"Dude, Edgar, can you not smoke in the car?"
Poe,You can't tell me what to do! Who elected you the mayor of me?!
Pete,"Cut it out, Edgar! It's annoying everybody!"
Poe,"God, you guys are so lame!  And if you want my help, you'd better all stop calling me Edgar."
Black Vamp,"Well that's your name, isn't it?"
Poe,That's the name my stupid parents gave me! I like to be called by my Goth name: NightPain
"Black Vamp, Mike, and Pete",Oh God...
Poe,What? You guys are posers!
Black Vamp,"Ey, just so you all know, if one of you ain't who you say they is, and we get inside that base and you reveal you're actually one of them Emo muthafuckas in disguise, I WILL go crazy on yo' ass!"
Poe,"If one of us is a traitor, it's probably your wannabe vampire leader."
Mike,"Oh, fuck off, NightPain."
Poe,"Make me, poser."
Pete,Michael?! You here?
Mike,I feel like we're being watched.
Pete,"Dude! Michael, are you okay?"
Michael,"Kick it over! Stop the plant!  Oh! Oh, thank God you're here. Emos are plants and they're invading human bodies."
Pete,"Alright, we're gonna get you out of here, and then we're gonna burn this whole place down."
Firkle,"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that's not the plan."
Gardener,You did very good. The emo plants are very pleased with your dedication.
Michael,Firkle! All this time I thought you were Goth! How long have you been Emo?
Firkle,Don't you see we can't stop them? We might as well join' em.
Gardener,"Yes Emo King, right away.  The Emo King wants us to proceed at once."
Pete,"Ugh! Let us go, you ultimate conformists!"
Gardener,Don't fight it. It's quicker that way.
Mike,Oh God! I'm starting to feel Emo.
Pete,Wait a minute. Where the hell is Edgar Allan Poe?
Mike,"He said he was over this, and was gonna hang out at the Village Inn."
Pete,What?!
Waitress,"Hey, are you gonna order any food, or are you just gonna sit there and drink coffee all day?"
Poe,Leave me alone! I just want coffeh.
Waitress,Little prick.
Poe,Bitch.
Pete,"Poe? Edgar Allan Poe, where are you?  What the hell are you doing?! Yo're supposed to be helping us!"
Poe,I can't right now. I'm dealing with a lot and I just have a lot of anxiety.
Pete,"Look, we  summoned you to help us save the world!"
Poe,What's the point? Save some people so some other people can be lame? And then those lame-os can be lamer to some other posers?
Pete,"God, he is such a downer!"
Gardener,Just let the spores inside you. Stop fighting it.
Mike,Wait. Look!
Poe,"Okay, I'm here, posers."
Pete,NightPain! Destroy the plant leader! The leader over there!
Poe,What do you want me to do?
"Mike, Michael, and Pete",Shoot it!
Poe,Really? Shoot a plant?
Michael,Shoot it!
Poe,Wait a minute. What is this?  This says it was bought at Lowe's Home and Garden for $29.95.
Gardener,Lowe's Home and Garden?
Pete,"Hey, these are just plants."
Gardener,"No they, they talk to me."
Poe,"No, they're just, like, ficus plants and vibrating pots."
Gardener,But-
Voice,"Looks like it's over, Harold Flannagan. So we have just one question for you: are you scared?!"
Flannagan,What do you mean?
Voice,ARE YOU SCARED?!
Flannagan,YES!!!
Voice,"That's good! 'Cause you're on... ""Yes, I Was Scared!"""
Pete,What??
Host,Look! Look at the camera right there
Flannagan,"Oh my God, are you serious?"
Host,Your wife Sarah put you up to this.
Sarah,Haha I got you!
Firkle,This is a prank?
Black Vamp,Oh man that's good! They got us good!
Firkle,I turned traitor for no good reason?
Pete,Did you know about this?
Michael,I have no idea what's going on.
Host,"Howard, did you suspect at all that a gardener job at a camp for troubled teens was a setup?"
Flannagan,"No, they really had me convinced!"
Host,And you didn't suspect anything when we had plants tell you to turn Goths and Vamp kids into Emos when really they're exactly the same thing?
Flannagan,I guess I should have figured it out. I'm an idiot.
Host,"Tune in again next week, when we make a woman from Milwaukee think she's working at a haunted abortion clinic."
Henrietta,"So, my friends. Have you made the transformation?"
Pete,"Uhhhh, Henrietta, we have some bad news. The plants you think took over your body and made you emo? They're just plants.  From Lowe's Home and Garden."
Michael,It was all a prank by some douchey network reality show.
Henrietta,"Nnnnoooo, there's an organic spore in my head that made me switch cliques so easily."
Michael,"No, you just kind of did it on your own."
Henrietta,Oh my Gawd.  This is so... em-barrassing.
Pete,"Ahh, hang on. What I meant to say was  we just infiltrated the Emo lair and... we torched the plant leader."
Henrietta,"Oh.  Oh!  Ihihit's meee-e! I'm, I'm I'm me again!  Oh my God I'm... all better. Thanks you guys."
Mrs. Biggle,"Henrietta, I have dinner ready."
Henrietta,"Shut up, Mom! Leave me alone, you conformist bag of demon jizz!"
Mrs. Biggle,...Fatty.
Mr. Mackey,"Students, I would like to introduce you all to the future.  M'kay. Starting today, our school will be operating entirely on IntelliLink.  Now whenever you need to see the school nurse, or talk to me, your counselor, you can simply sign up using this simple, integrated portal.  M'kay...  You can use a computer or any of the IntelliLink panels which are located throughout the school.  Lat's say you're in the cafeteria, m'kay. You start cougin' up blood and need to see the nurse. You just click on ""school clinic"" Mkay, see nurse. M'kay. Respiration problems.  Uh, okay, I must have I must have been in the wrong menu, uhkay. As you can see, you can control the sound system as well. Okay.  It's all integrated and smartlinked, and this is a great idea, m'kay. Let's look at the message board.  Mesage... board.  Here you can easily write messages to each other or to the faculty, m'kay? For instance,  here we go. Here's a message from Kyle's little brother, Ike Broflovski.  Okay, little Ike says ""My brother is a homo"" Ike made a little drawing of his brother too.  Drew a nice picture with a... nice bird hangin' off Kyle's forehead, m'kay, that's nice.  It's a nice... crane, a nice whoopin' crane comin' off Kyle's head there."
Cartman,"That's not a crane, it's a dick and balls."
Butters,"Heheh, yeah."
Kyle,"Mom, Ike did it again. I don't know what's going on with him, but, it's like he hates me."
Sheila,"Oh, Kyle, your little brother is, getting older. He's not a baby anymore."
Kyle,"I know, but he posted a message of me with a schlong on my head."
Sheila,"It's natural, bubbe. Part of getting older is finding ways to assert your independence. You know. Why don't you go and try to talk to him - you can win him over again."
Kyle,"Hey Ike, how's it going?"
Ike,"Get out of my room, Kyle! I'm on my computer!"
Kyle,I just wanted to see if maybe you want to do fingerpaints with me.
Ike,Do I look like I wanna do fuckin' fingerpaints?!  Look at the fuckin' zits on my face!
Kyle,"Ike, I just want us to be friends again."
Ike,"Then stop harassing me, bro! You don't know what it's like to be a baby goin' through puberty! I don't know whether to watch Yo Gabba Gabba or go out and tame some strange!"
Kyle,"Yeah, let's watch Yo Gabba Gabba, like old times."
Ike,Dancy Dance is my favorite.
Kyle,It always has been. See? This is nice.
Ike,Who would you rather fuck?  Foofa or Toodee?
Kyle,What?
Ike,"I wanna fuck Foofa.  I wouldn't wanna fuck Toodee. She's a dike. You can tell. But Foofa, man.  I bet she's got some sweet strange.  I don't even know what the fuck Muno is."
Kyle,"Ike, is that chewing tobacco?"
Ike,What?! You gonna fuckin' narc and tell Mom?!
Kyle,"No, I just don't think it's healthy."
Ike,That's 'cause you don't understand shit!  I knew this was a bad idea!  I'm gonna watch Yo Gabba Gabba in my roomsy!
Mr. Mackey,"Come in, m'kay."
Kyle,"Mr. Mackey, can I talk to you?"
Mr. Mackey,"Oh-kay, have you set up a counseling appointment on IntelliLink?"
Kyle,No.
Mr. Mackey,"Ookay, that's fine, that's fine. We can use IntelliLink to see what's available. Let's see, counseling request. Students. Make appointment.  Okay, ah whoops. Okay, uh sume, uh students make appoint-alala here we go. Make, make appointment.  Uhkay, here we go. Uhkay, what do you need counseling with?"
Kyle,It's my little brother. He's really changing and I feel like-
Mr. Mackey,"Okay, I'll click on family issues. What time did you want counseling?"
Kyle,Right now.
Mr. Mackey,"Oo-kay, aaand, what is your brother's Intelligrated smart name?"
Kyle,I don't know.
Mr. Mackey,"Alright, I can do a lookup for the name. Uh go back. Main menu.  Oh... Damnit. Okay now, back.  Set- no, set appointment. Okay, speakers off.  Okay, uh... Okay, what is your smart name, Kyle?"
Kyle,What?
Mr. Mackey,"Sorry, Kyle, we're gonna need to maybe go somewhere else. Uh... find an IntelliLink panel somewhere."
Mr. Mackey,"Okay, let's see, lights.  Mood.  Start counseling timer.  Okay there we go. Okay, we got it.  Okay now, Kyle, you had some concerns about your little brother?"
Kyle,"He's just... changing a lot. He walks around angry, telling me I'm stupid and, and all he talks about is sex."
Mr. Mackey,Well it sounds like he's hittin' puberty.
Kyle,"Yeah, he just seems so young."
Mr. Mackey,"Well, your brother is Canadian. Perhaps Canadian puberty is a little different. Why don't you educate yourself about Canadian puberty and it could be somethin' yeeyou and your brother can actually do together. M'kay?  You know, this is the first time I've been able to do counseling aaand go to the bathroom at the same time. IntelliLink is amazing."
Minister,"Hello young people, and welcome to the most fascinating time of your life. You have braved the trials of childhood, and now you are reaching Canadian puberty. By now, you've probably noticed some changes in your body. For instance, when you fart your dick gets hard.  Other physical changes are happening to your body as well. If you're a boy you may notice that your testicles ache, or if you're a girl, you may notice a tingling sensation in your strange."
Ike,"This is stupid, bro! I already know all this!"
Kyle,"Let's just give it a chance, Ike."
Minister,"Going through Canadian puberty, you may notice that your voice is starting to change as well. You're saying things like ""hey boddy"" and ""hey guy"" because now that you're older you're discovering that someone who was once your buddy is now your guy, and someone who you used to call ""guy"" is quickly becoming your friend.  But now let's discuss how a man and a woman make love.  First, a man and a woman fall in love. Then the man farts on the woman's strange,  filling the woman's strange with air so that the woman can queef on the man's face.  And, a baby is born.  The entire process can take up to six months a-  It's what? ... That's not how a baby is born? ... What's semen? ... Well then, why did my wife queef on my face? ... She said it was to- ...  Well then why would sh-?! ... I'm gonna get to the bottom of this!"
Minister,"Make me look like an idiot, will you?!"
Minister,Ey! You told me you queefed on my face because because that's how babies are born!
Wife,I was being sarcastic.
Minister,Being sarcastic?! I just told a million Canadian teenages that's how it's done!
Wife,I was angry because you never listen to me. Because I wanted you to go with me to therapy and you never go.
Minister,Fine! You want me to go with you to therapy?! Fine!
Minister,Totally embarrassing and degrading! She queefed right in my face!
Therapist,"Well, maybe you should spend less time at work making public health films and more time at home."
Kyle,What the fuck is going on?!
Ike,"You're fucking stupid, Kyle!"
Kyle,"I don't know what else to do, dude. No matter what I try, me and Ike just seem to drift further apart!"
Stan,He doesn't ever want to play with you anymore?
Kyle,He doesn't even let me near him!
Cartman,"That sucks, dude."
Kyle,What??
Cartman,"I said THAT SUCKS, DUDE."
Kyle,"Oh, thanks!"
Mr. Mackey,"Okay, there we go. That's cut the speakers off. Now what was it you were trying to do, Kyle?"
Kyle,I was trying to make an appointment to see the principal about getting excused on Friday. So I can take my brother to go see Yo Gabba Gabba Live.
Mr. Garrison,"Mr. Mackey, can he just go talk to the principal?"
Mr. Mackey,"No, this is gonna work! I called IntelliLink and they said they were sending over an engineer."
Cody,Is this Classroom 7?
Mr. Mackey,Yes!
Cody,My name's Cody. I'm your smartnician. You're havin' some intelliproblems with your astutelinks?
Mr. Mackey,"Yeah, a student is trying to make an appointment to see the principal. M'kay?"
Cody,"Uh huh, well here's the problem: your amsrtnames aren't intelligrated."
Mr. Mackey,Oh I see.
Cody,"If you wanna have those intelligrated with EasyLink, you might wanna upgrade your system to the silver package."
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, I I needed the silver package? Okay okay? Can we do that?"
Cody,Let my call my supervisor on the intelliphone.
Kyle,Hey Ike.
Ike,"Get out of my room, Kyle! I'm playing trucks!"
Kyle,"Ike, I'm sorry, but I couldn't get us out of school Friday. I can't take you to Yo Gabba Gabba Live."
Ike,You promised!
Kyle,"I couldn't get in to see the principal, Ike."
Ike,Well what am I supposed to do?! See it myself?! I'm a little baby! Who's gonna hold my fuckin' hand?! You don't give a shit about how I feel!
Kyle,"Ike, I do! I just-"
Ike,"You just love pushing me around! Is that what you wanna do, Kyle?! Kick the baby?! Well alrighty bro! Come on, Kyle! Kick the baby!  Come on bro! Kick the fuckin' baby! Let's see you try it, wuss!"
Plex,"Hey Muno, what should we do now?"
Muno,Let's play Cool Cool Trick.
Plex,"Aaaall right! Who out in the audience has a cool cool trick to show us?  What's your name, little boy?"
Ryan,My name is Ryan!
Plex,"And what is your cool cool trick, Ryan?"
Ryan,My cool cool trick is that I can jump in the air.  Let's see you... jump in the air!
Plex,"And what's your name, little boy?"
Ike,Ike Broflovski.
Plex,Do you have a cool trick?
Ike,"Yeah, for my cool cool trick I'm gonna tame Foofa's strange."
Plex,Tame mo what?
Ike,"I can tame Foofa's strange, bro."
Plex,"Uhhh, alright. Let's see our friend Ike tame Foofa's strange!"
Kyle,Ike no! Stop!
Plex,"Oh, I see. You're actually-  Wait! Oh my God, what are you doing?! No no no!  What are you doing to Foofa?! No!"
Plex,"Now you listen here, little boy! It is never okay to take off your clothes and grind on another person!"
Toodee,"No, that's wrong!"
Plex,Don't do it.
Brobee,Uh uh.
Kyle,We're so sorry. Please forgive my little brother. He's going through puberty.
Muno,"A little young for that, isn't he?"
Kyle,That's what I thought.
Ike,"This is stupid, bro.  Foofa shouldn't be limiting herself to little kids. She's fuckin' fine, dude."
Plex,"What you did was very traumatic for Foofa. Isn't that right, Foofa?  Foofa?"
Foofa,"He's right, Plex. We're getting older. I don't wanna do the little kid thing the rest of my life."
Brobee,"Foofa, what are you talking about?"
Foofa,It's time for us to start playing to older people. Maybe we need to be edgier. Have a little sex appeal.
Toodee,"Foofa, no!"
Foofa,"I'm an artist. And if all I ever do is play to kids, then I'll be a joke.  I have to move on."
Plex,Oh God. What has this little boy done??
Minister,"I try not to think about it, Rick. I try to just forget aboot it and then move on, but I can't. I mean... she queefed right in my face!"
Rick,Have you and your wife seen a therapist together?
Minister,"Yes, we went but... I just can't erase the memory of my helpless face being queefed on like that. Who's to say she won't do it again?"
Rick,Don't you think this has something to do with your new job?
Minister,What do you mean?
Rick,"There's more to this, Terry. A lady never queefs in her lord's face without some major cause. You started as the Canadian Minister of Health and three months later your wife queefed in your face. There's a connection."
Terry,I took the job to try and make Canada's health care system better. What could that have to do with my wife?
Rick,"Terry, I'm your friend. And I'm not just your friend, I'm also your boddy"
Terry,"Thanks, guy."
Rick,"And I'm telling you there's more to this than you think!  And if you want to save your marriage, and your face, you need to figure it out quick."
Principal Victoria,"Mr. Mackey, so far the school has spent  $22,000 on the IntelliLink system, and so far it's been an unmitigated disaster."
Mr. Mackey,"Well yeah, but see, the problem is not everyone is not everyone is signed on to it yet."
Mr. Adler,They can't sign on to it because every time they try they make the sprinklers go off!
Mr. Mackey,I know that IntelliLink has had some... hiccups... uhkay. But I've hired a new faculty member whose sole responsibility will be to oversee the IntelliLink system and make sure it runs smoothly. I want you all to meet Pat Conners.
Pat,Hello everyone.
Mr. Mackey,"Don't ""Hello"" us, Pat! This system that you're responsible for now isn't working out! So  what the hell are you gonna do about it?!"
Pat,"Oh. Well, I'm just sort of getting acclimated to the situation and I-"
Mr. Mackey,"Getting acclimated?!  Do you know how much money we wated on that thing?! How about you take some damned responsibility! Get the hell out of here, Pat! You're fired! Get out!  Well. How the hell are we gonna clean up Pat's mess? I guess, I dunno, I guess we got no choice, m'kay. We're just gonna need to the upgrade to the IntelliLink Gold Package."
Principal Victoria,Oh noo!
Mr. Mackey,"No, see, it's a $10,000 upgrade, but it should clean up all of Pat's mistakes."
Coach,"Mr. Mackey, let's be clear. IntelliLink was your idea. You should admit it was a bad one and stop being so defensive."
Mr. Mackey,"Well ih it's good to be a little defensive around you, Miles, m'kay. Let's, let's not forget that your wife died of an ""accident"" while you were ""drinking"" on a ""hike,"" ""N'kay!"""
Miles,Hey now listen here-!
Mr. Mackey,"No! Now you listen to me!  IntelliLink is a great idea, and we just need the Goddamned Gold Package! We are doublin' down!"
Anchor,"You are watching E! Entertainment News. God knows why.  She's all grown up and she wants you to know it. From kids show star to sex symbol, Yo Gabba Gabba's Foofa is ready to rock!  She's been seen out partying, photographed smoking pot, and now, Foofa has announced a raunchy performance on the MTV Video Music Awards. Foofa's new manager claims the MTV performance will be one for the record books."
Ike,Foofa's got that nice shaved strange that you just wanna get in and tame the second you see it.
Anchor,The video awards are at 8 pm tomorrow.
Foofa,Oh this is so exciting!
Ike,Told you it'd go over well.
Kyle,"Excuse me, but Ike has homework he's supposed to be doing."
Ike,"Shut up, Kyle! Just ignore my little brother."
Kyle,"I'm your big brother, Ike!"
Ike,"Answer the door, twerp!"
Plex,Can I talk to you?
Kyle,"I'm sorry, but right now I'm feeling-"
Plex,Foofa!
Brobee,"Thank you, dude."
Muno,Oh thank God.
Toodee,Heey.
Kyle,Hey!
Plex,"Foofa, what is this about you going on the MTV Video Awards?"
Foofa,I'm done being a kiddie star!
Plex,"Foofa, you don't have to show your strange to get attention."
Ike,"You just don't get it 'cause you're a robot, Plex."
Plex,"Alright, you won't listen to us, but maybe you'll listen to our special guest, Sinéad O'Connor!"
Sinéad,"Don't do it, Foofa, Don't sell out your strange to those corporate bastards."
Ike,"Awww, screw off, Sinéad O'Connor. No one gives a crap about you."
Plex,Don't show your strange on TV.
Troupe,Don't show your strange.
Plex,"Your strange is for your husband, not for all the world to see."
Troupe,Don't show your strange on TV
Sinéad,I'm looking for a boyfriend. Looking for a boyfriend.
Kyle,"Will you get out of my living room, please?!  Hello?!"
Terry,...Have you ever had someone you love queef in your face?
Kyle,What?
Terry,"I'm sorry, I'm calling everyone in the Canadian health care system to find out if they're pleased with their health care. Is this  Ike Broflovski?"
Kyle,"No, this is his brother."
Terry,"Your brother receives his medication from us, so we just wanna be sure he's satisfied with the service."
Kyle,Satisfied with-  Wait a minute. What medication?!
Terry,"Before this meeting continues, I should have you be aware that my face has tested positive for queefie sores."
Kyle,"Ah I'm sorry, but I don't really care. I just want to know what medication my little has been getting from you, and why?!"
Terry,People all over the world get their medication from Canada.
Kyle,"Yeah, but something is wrong with my brother and it might be your fault!"
Terry,That's impossible! The Canadian health care system is completely integrated and streamlined with IntelliLink.
Kyle,You use IntelliLink?? Oh my God! Will you check his records please?
Terry,"Sure, no problem.  Now, what is your brother's Canadian Medicare's smartname?"
Kyle,"I dunno!  Try ""strangetamer."""
Terry,"""strangetamer""  Uh, yeP, there it is.  Ahh yes, here we go. I see your little brother has a constipation problem and has been taking a daily laxative since last May.  Ah, yes, I'm afraid IntelliLink mixed that up and your brother has been receiving large doses of hormones that were supposed to go to an athlete in the northeast."
Kyle,Are you saying that Ike has been given regular doses of hormones because of an IntelliLink screwup?!
Terry,"Yes, that's right."
Kyle,That system is totally screwed up and does nothing but wreak havoc!
Terry,"It's fine!  It works fine! Just give it some time!  God, you sound like my wife!  My... my wife."
Rick,"That must be it. Don't you see, Terry? That health care integration system has made you defensive and hostile, and your wife's been puttin' up with it."
Terry,And... that's why she queefed in my face.
Kyle,"Ex-cuse me?! If my little brother has been getting some athlete's hormones, then who has been getting Ike's medication?!"
Announcer,Tom Brady looking sluggish again today. Not sure what his problem has been lately.
Tom Brady,Blue 28! ... Blue 28!
Commentator,"Yeah, definitely not looking as strong and virile as he has in the past, Tom."
Tom Brady,Huthuuuut  Hike!
Announcer,Brady steps back to pass.  He's got an open man at the 40 yard line!
Commentator,And whatever is wrong with Tom Brady just seems to be getting worse.  Go Broncos.
Cody,"Okay, there we go.  Your students can buy school lunches now, but they won't be able to get grades."
Mr. Mackey,"No, they have to be able to get grades!"
Cody,"Well, what you prbably wanna do is upgrade to IntelliLink Platinum."
Mr. Mackey,"No! There's no more upgrades, m;kay?! I just want this  to work!"
Cody,"...What exactly do you mean by ""work""?"
Mr. Mackey,"I just want students to be able to make appointments to see the counselor, be able to see the school norse in the easiest, most streamlined fashion!"
Cody,"Oh, you want the Centurion package. That's where we take all the IntelliLink panels and we rip them off the walls and we burn them. Then we wipe all the computers of IntelliLink software and you never deal with us again."
Mr. Mackey,"Alright, upgrade me to the Centurion package."
Cody,"Right away.  Well alright sir, here's a clipboard you can use for students to sign up for counseling,  and I wanna thank you for choosing IntelliLink."
Announcer,"The MTV Video Music Awards will be back with a performance from Yo Gabba Gabba's Foofa singing, ""Pound My Sweet Strange."""
Stage hand,"Two minutes, Foofa."
Foofa,"Thanks. Oh my, here we go!"
Kyle,Ike!  Wait! '
Ike,"Get out of here, dude!"
Kyle,"Ike, there's been a mistake. You don't understand."
Ike,"No, you don't understand, wuss! Why can't you just let me grow up?! Why do you keep harassing me?!"
Kyle,"Because you're my little brother, Godddamnit!  And even when I'm fifty and you're forty-five, you're still gonna be my little brother!"
Host,"All right, y'all, here comes our next big act!"
Kyle,"Ike, I don't care if you wanna grow up, I just wanna be by your side while you do it."
Host,"Give it up for the sexiest bitch on earth, it's Foofa!"
Foofa,"Come on, Ike. Ike?"
Ike,"He's right, Foofa. Part of growing up is rebelling, but I'm gonna get older whether I like it or not. So why push it? I think I'm just gonna let it happen naturally."
Yo Gabba Gabba,Yaaaaay.
Brobee,Foofa?
Foofa,"Come on, come on, and pound my strange. Pound it like this,  pound it like that."
Terry,It was a mistake.
Wife,What?
Terry,"Trying to reform Canada's health care system and being too stubborn to admit that it wasn't working. And even when my wife said the system was too complicated, I wouldn't listen."
Wife,"Oh Terry, I was just trying to get your attention. I'm sorry I queefed in your face."
Terry,"I deserved it. Anyone who thinks streamlining health care into an integreated health care system would go smoothly deserves a giant queef in their face. Thank you, my lady."
Wife,"So IntelliLink is gone, my lord?"
Terry,"Yes, I've upgraded to the Gold package. Within no time, Canadians everywhere will be getting their correct medications, and going back to normal."
Kyle,Ike?
Ike,Kyle! It's Dora the Explorer!
Dora,"Come on, let's climb the mountain."
Kyle,"It sure is. Do you want me to watch it with you, Ike?"
Ike,Yaaay!
Dora,We made it all the way to the top.
Ike,"Oh man, I wouldn't mind hittin' that. I bet she's got that hot Puerto Rican strange."
Kyle,"Yeah, I bet she does."
Ike,Yaaaay!
Cartman,"Hey, everyone? Excuse me!  Everybody, can I just have a second of your time, please? Everyone, listen up.  Listen everybody, I uh... I owe Kyle a big apology and I... I wanna do it in fromt of everyone because... ugh... I was wrong, Kyle."
Kyle,About what?!
Cartman,"I'm afraid that... Kyle and I got into a little disagreement yesterday. Yeah, yeah it's... pretty nasty. And um, I was totally wrong and you were right, Kyle. I thought only humans could be gingers. Is Davin here? Davin Miller?  Oh yeah, there you are. I own an apology to you too, Davin. When Kyle said that humans weren't the only species that can have light skin and freckles I totally laughed in his face. But it turns out Kyle was right: there are other animals that can be ginger as well I didn't believe it. I guess I didn't want to believe it, but this morning I saw a red-haired light-skinned cow and I owe you, Kyle, and you, Davin, my sincerest apology."
Craig,Where did you find a red-haired cow?
Cartman,Oh would you- Would you guys like to see it?
Cartman,"There! There it is right there, see? A red-headed cow."
Butters,"Whoa, look at it!"
Cartman,"You were right, Kyle. A ginger cow. I shall never question your keen intellect again!"
Craig,"Wow, that's pretty trippy."
Cartman,"Yes! Yeah, be sure to get some pictures of it!  I'm pretty sure this occurs only rarely in nature!"
Kyle,"Alright, Cartman, joke's over."
Cartman,What? What joke? This is real!
Kyle,Tell everyone you made the cow look like that!
Cartman,"No,  no, you were right, Kyle. I was wrong."
Butters,"Boy Eric, I sure do admire your courage to admit when you made a mistake."
Cartman,"Thank you, Butters!"
Craig,I gotta show this to my mom!
Butters,Let's go get the kindergartners. Uh they're gonna wanna see this too!
Cartman,"Yeah, be sure to show everyone, guys. It's really amazing. Heheh, too good, too too good."
Kyle,Even the dumbest lie can have big consequences.
Cartman,"Yes, you're right, Kyle. I'm sure that that... is going to have earth-shattering consequences. Heheheheh."
Mr. Mackey,"Your attention, please. Will Kyle Broflovski report to the principal's office?"
Kyle,Huh?
Mr. Mackey,Kyle Broflovski to the principal's office. Please. Umkay?
Butters,"Hohoh! What'd you do, Kyle?"
Kyle,Nothing.
Butters,Busted!
Mr. Mackey,"Ah, thanks for comin', Kyle."
Kyle,Wuwhat's going on?
Principal Victoria,"Kyle, these men have apparently come all the way from Israel to speak with me, but... we need a translator."
Kyle,I don't speak Hebrew.
Mr. Mackey,"Kyle, please try your best. It seems pretty important.  This.. boy... uhkay... is Jew. Uhkay? Jew... like you. Uhkay? Please... uh, please try... speak... to Jew."
Rabbi 1,We're just trying to tell them that we come on very urgent business.
Mr. Mackey,Anything?
Kyle,He said they come on urgent business.
Principal Victoria,"Ohh, what does he need?"
Rabbi 2,"Look, we believe that this school has something which is of the utmost importance to our people! We wish to see the red cow!"
Kyle,"The red- Oh come on, you can't possibly be here for that!"
Principal Victoria,"For what? What did he say, Kyle?"
Rabbi 1,"Please, you must understand! The fate of the world is at stake!  The coming of a red heifer is the nost holy sign in all of Judaism. It signals the beginning of the End. It is not just our religion, but Islam and Christianity as well. They all agree on one thing.  That the red heifer means the End of Times."
Mr. Mackey,"You catch any of that, Kyle?"
Kyle,It's right over here by uh-
Rabbi 2,Oh my holy shmear!
Rabbi 2,The Muslims! They beat us here!
Mr. Mackey,"What's goin' on, Kyle??"
Kyle,He said the Muslims beat them here-  God damn it!
Rabbi 2,Step away! You all know what this means!
Cleric 1,Yes! And you know you are about to die!
Kyle,Hold on everybody. This thing isn't even a-
Rabbi 1,Don't touch it!
Cartman,"Well I just ran to the school and told everyone, ""Hey, there's a redheaded cow outside; you should all see it."""
Kyle,"Cartman, stop! You don't know what you're doing!"
Cartman,"I'm pretty sure that this cow could make ginger cheese, which is like a Swiss cheese, except instead of holes, it has freckles."
Kyle,NOOOO!
Rabbi 4,The Muslims and the Christians are calling for a meeting to discuss the terms of war.
Rabbi 2,"Very well, let us meet to discuss how the world as we know it ends."
Rabbi 1,"Alright, so far we agree there'll be no automatic rifles, no shanks, and no chemical weapons."
Cleric 2,"If there can be no chemical weapons, then the Christians can use no nuclear weapons."
Bishop,"Come on, without nuclear weapons, what kind of final Armageddon is this gonna be?!"
Rabbi 3,But couldn't we agree on non-ballistic nuclear weapons only?
Bishop,"Yeah, I suppose that's fine."
Cleric 2,That makes sense.
Rabbi 1,Non-ballistic nuclear only. Alright. Now on to prisoners. Are we all agreeing to decapitations?
Israeli,Of course we are! What do you think this is?!
Others,"Yeah, come on! Just get to it!"
Cleric 3,"Wait a minute, wait a minute! Has anyone noticed something? We are all in a room together. Talking.  Has it occurred to anyone else that this prophecy, which amazingly is in all three religions, could actually be meant to bring us together?"
Bishop,The prophecy says the red heifer signals the End.  Could it mean the end of... war?
Rabbi 1,"If the cow is sacrificed in Israel according to the prophecy, then perhaps it could bring about peace."
Anderson Cooper,"After all the years of holy wars and hatred, a possibility for peace... in the Middle East. In the past 48 hours, Jews, Muslims, and Christians have met in Israel to sort out their differences. It may be a rocky road, but many say the chance for peace is real. And all because of a red cow, discovered by a young boy here in the U.S. We'll be back with more on these amazing developments after this."
Cartman,Hey Kyle. Y-you got a minute?
Kyle,Yeah.
Cartman,"I've gotta tell you something, Kyle. The red-headed cow... isn't real. I made him up."
Kyle,No shit!
Cartman,"I totally lied, Kyle. And when you asked me if I had lied, I looked you right in the eye and said ""No."" I owe you an apology and, I mean it."
Kyle,Well it-... it's okay. there's no denying it all worked out for the best this time a-.
Cartman,"No! No, Kyle, you said that it's never for the best. Remember that? And you're right. You're right, Kyle!"
Kyle,"Oh no. Nohoho no. Cartman, don;t you do this! The Middle East is finally at peace!"
Cartman,"But it's not true. Kyle, I'm being serious. I really think I have to tell the truth! I I don't know how I can live with this. I don't think I can unless eh, unless I don't know mm-maybe you c-called your mom a fat skank?  Maybe if you'd said that to your mom and... told her that her tits belonged in a morgue, then, maybe somehow I could live with this lie."
Kyle,"Dude, go to Hell!"
Cartman,"You're right. You're right, Kyle. I should just tell the truth and be done with it!"
Kyle,Wwwait.
Kyle,Mom?
Sheila,Hi bubbe.
Kyle,"Mom, there's sssomething I need to tttell you."
Sheila,"What is it, Kyle?"
Kyle,"You're a fat skank, Mom."
Cartman,"Kyle! Oh my gosh, what did you just say??"
Kyle,"You're a fat skank, Mom, and your tits belong in a morgue."
Cartman,"Ohh my God!  Ms. Broflovski, are you okay? Does he always talk to you like that?"
Cartman,"Yeah, come on over here. I got some more stuff in my locker, Kyle."
Stan,How come you're carrying Cartman's stuff?
Kyle,I just... thought it'd be nice.
Cartman,"Kyle is doing all kinds of things for me. He finished my homework,  gave me the soda from his lunch.  I think he's just really stoked on me for helping bring peace to the Middle East.  Right, Kyle?"
Kyle,Yes sir.
Cartman,"Oh, looks like most everyone's here. Um, wasn't there something you wanted to say, Kyle? Remember about the...?"
Kyle,Yes.  I love Cartman's farts.
Cartman,You what??
Kyle,Yummy yummy yummy I want Cartman's farts in my tummy.
Craig,"Dude, what the hell are you talking about?"
Kyle,Yummy yummy yummy can I please Cartman's farts in my tummy?
Cartman,"Okay okay Jesus, uh, lay down on your back, Kyle.  Let's see what I can muster up here."
Kyle,Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy.
Cartman,Let's see. Oh! Oh!
Kyle,Yummy yummy thank you Cartman.
Stan,What the fuck?
Mr. Mackey,Come on in.
Kyle,"Mr. Mackey, can I talk to you?"
Mr. Mackey,"Wuh sure, Kyle. What's the matter?"
Kyle,"If you knew something, but, you couldn't tell anyone, what... what would you do?"
Mr. Mackey,"Well, Kyle, living with a lie is never a good thing. Okay. Could... could you maybe just tell me?"
Kyle,Okay okay... I love having Cartman's farts in my tummy. I love it.  I love it sooo sooo much.
Mr. Mackey,Well... why do you like his farts in your tummy?
Kyle,Because they taste so yummy.
Mr. Mackey,"Well Kyle, that's kind of odd. Uh, not sure how to help you with that."
Cartman,"Oh, Mr. Mackey, could I-Oh, uhhh. Hey, sorry, am I interrupting?"
Kyle,Not if you... have some delicious farts for me.
Cartman,"Kyle, are you sure?"
Kyle,Please...
Cartman,Well alright.
Kyle,Yummy yummy.
Mr. Mackey,Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
Bishop,"Today... begins the new Israel.  Today, we are all united as one.  Chakam balada."
Crowd,Chakam balada! Chakam balada!
Rabbi 3,"Now, let us celebrate under one symbol!"
Rabbi,No way no waaay!
Muslim,Epiiic!
David Lee Roth,Hello Israel!
CNN Reporter,"The party is officially underway. Jews, Christians and Muslims have united, ushering ten years of Van Halen.  Out in the crowd, people are celebrating like never before.  No doubt Israel is the happiest, rockingest place to be."
Stan,Hey Kyle.
Kyle,Hey
Stan,"Kyle, there's peace in the Middle East. They're saying maybe it's gonna lead to peace all over the world. Everyone's really happy. You should be too."
Kyle,"I am happy, Stan. I'm thrilled."
Stan,"...Dude, we've been friends a long time. Can you just tell me why you like Cartman's farts so much?"
Kyle,"I just do, Stan."
Stan,You like... how they smell? How they taste?
Kyle,Yes.
Stan,They're really that good?
Kyle,Yes.
Stan,Should I try them?
Kyle,NO.
Ringtone,Yummy yummy. Yummy yummy. Yummy yummy. Yummy yummy.
Kyle,This is Cartman. I have to take it.  Hello?
Cartman,"Hey, I was just about to order some dinner. What sounds better in your mouth tomorrow? Thai or Greek?"
Kyle,I don't care.
Cartman,"I care, Kyle. You should have a say in this; they're your yummy farts. Should we go with Thai?"
Kyle,That's fine.
Stan,"...Kyle, maybe you should get some help."
Kyle,"Please, just, just leave it alone, Stan. Everything is as it has to be."
Stan,"I don't get it, Kenny."
Kenny,"(Dude, maybe he's like mentally ill or something)"
Stan,"Well whatever it is, we have to figure it out. I think all those farts are starting to get to Kyle's head."
Kyle,"No more. No more. Oh, come on, Cartman, no. No more."
Spirit,Kyle Broflovski.
Kyle,Huh? Who...? Who is that?
Spirit,"Why do you endure all the farts, Kyle?"
Kyle,I... because the world is at peace. I must endure.
Spirit,What you are doing... is the most awesome thing ever.
Kyle,I... I know.
Spirit,Who else would take such torment?
Kyle,"That's, that that's k-kind of what I was thinking."
Spirit,"You should like, shave your head and get all peaceful about it. Your sacrifice saves the world."
Kyle,Yes.
Kyle,I endure what I must for the sake of all humanity.
CNN Reporter,"What can this reporter say except that Israel freaking rocks! Things just keep getting better here, Tom. And in a few days, they'll be honoring the little boy who discovered the red cow, here on stage, and things are gonna go off!"
Cartman,"You're gonna... come with me... to Israel, Kyle?"
Kyle,Yes! Yes I will!
Cartman,Huh? You comin'?
Kyle,"Yes, whatever you want."
Cartman,Okay. I want the whole world to see how much you love my farts. Plane leaves tomorrow.
Stan,"Kyle, don't do this. Don't eat Cartman's farts in front of the whole world."
Butters,"Just stop, please."
Kyle,"It's okay. Everyone, it's okay. Perhaps one day, you will all understand. What I do, I do because I care about each and every one of you."
Craig,Well now he just sounds like a self-righteous asshole.
Stan,Hey Kyle.
Kyle,"Hello, Stan."
Stan,"Um, dude, we need to talk. This has to stop."
Kyle,There are greater things at work than what you understand.
Stan,"If you wanna suck farts, Kyle, that's fine. Go ahead. But you can't suck farts and be a dick about it."
Kyle,I'm actually the complete opposite.
Stan,All of a sudden you seem to think you're above everyone else!
Kyle,"I'm not better, I'm just... doing what needs to be done to make the world a better place."
Stan,See? You sound like a dick.
Kyle,I happen to be the one person who's putting everyone else's needs before their own!
Stan,"Dick! That's a dick talking! You've had too much of Cartman's farts and you got sulphur poisoning, and now you're a dick."
Kyle,"All you need to know is I'm way awesomer than you think, okay?!"
Stan,I don't think Kyle really loves Cartman's farts. There's something else going on.
Kenny,(Huh? Like what?)
Stan,"This all started with the stupid peace in the Middle East, Kenny. For some reason it's making Kyle crazy. We've gotta get to the bottom of this!"
Rabbi 1,"And now, let us honor the little boy who helped make all this happen, Eric Cartman, and his best friend, Fartboy."
Cartman,"Thank you everyone. It's my honor to have been a part of this... miracle. Isn't that right, Fartboy?"
Kyle,Could I please one of your piping-hot farts in my mouth?
Cartman,"Are you sure, Fartboy? I've had a lot of strange food on this trip."
Kyle,Yummy yummy I want your farts in my tummy.
Rabbi 1,"Uh excuse me, I'm sorry everyone, but apparently there's some breaking news in the United States."
Reporter,"We are in Colorado where the red cow was discovered, and apparently, two boys have shocking news that might change everything."
Stan,"Yes, there's something that you all need to know. The truth about the red cow. We have all been  So- sorry, hang on.  Hello?"
Kyle,Dude! Do not do this!
Stan,"No, dude, you don't understand. Cartman hasn't been telling the truth!"
Kyle,"Yes, I know that! Why do you think I've been putting up with his farts?!"
Stan,Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Muslim 2,"""Oh"" what?"
Kyle,"I know Cartman made it all up, okay?! I also know that nothing is more important for humanity than peace in the Middle East! I'm okay with this, Stan!"
Stan,"Well, I'm not okay with it, 'cause it's turned you into a dick, Kyle!"
Kyle,"I'm not a dick, I'm like Gandhi!"
Stan,"You know, I don't think when Gandhi starved himself he was all ""Dude, look how fuckin' awesome I am for starving. Check me out!"""
Kyle,"Okay, okay. Stan, you're right. Maybe I let being a martyr go to my head. Just please, let me stay on this path, and, I'll try to be cool about it. Okay? I'm sorry."
Stan,You should apologize to Kenny too.
Kyle,"I'm sorry, Kenny!"
Kenny,"(That's okay, Kyle.)"
Rabbi 1,"No, what is the new information?!"
Stan,The red cow... I saw it too. Ih it came down from the sky in a flash of light. It was a miracle.
Kyle,Hurray!
Rabbi 1,"Oh no, it was a miracle?"
Israeli 2,"Then, it's not true. The prophecy is not true!"
David Lee Roth,"Wait, I thought we were all here because of the prophecy of a miraculous red cow!"
Rabbi 5,"No, the prophecy is that one day, a fat child with a small penis would decorate a cow to look ginger, not that one would miraculously just fall from the sky."
Muslim 2,I knew this was all too good to be true!
Bishop,We are associating with these heathens for no reason!
Cartman,Small penis?!
Anchor,"The party's over. Muslims, Jews, and Christians are back at each other's throats, and Israel is once again a place of conflict, and turmoil"
Kyle,"Please, you have to listen to me! The prophecy actually did come true!"
Rabbi 3,No it di'n't.
Kyle,Yes! It did!
Rabbi 1,The prophecy was that a fat boy with a small penis would one day decorate a cow to look ginger. We should have known a prophecy like this... was too impossible to ever come to be.
Kyle,"But that is what happened! It is! Tell them, Cartman!"
Cartman,"No, Kyle, you were right. I see now that little lies can cause huge problems."
Kyle,But it's the truth!
Cartman,"No, it's not, Kyle. I have a huge dick."
Rabbi 1,"Sorry boys, but we've gotta get to our fight. There's a rumble at the Wailing Wall. . They leave, and Kyle turns around"
Kyle,Ssso it was all for nothing. The whole time I was... eating farts for nothing.
Cartman,"Cheer up, Kyle. I'm sure this isn't the first time someone who thought they were suffering for humanity was actually just sucking farts. Hey. How about we get a little dessert, help cheer you up?"
Guard 1,"The holiday season... is here, and Black Friday... is upon us. As you know, black Friday is the day shoppers go berserk for holiday deals. Last year, 26 people died, and 461 were seriously injured.  This winter the mall is offering 80% off to the first twenty people in the store.  For you new recruits, perhaps you took this job to see just what the violence was like.  Or perhaps you thought workin' Black Friday wouldn't be a big deal."
Randy,I'm just trying to earn some extra holiday cash.
Guard 1,Or maybe you're just too stupid to realize what you've gotten yourselves into.
Chief of Security,That's enough!  Our only chance of surviving this year's sale is by sticking together! Those of you who signed up are to be... commended.  But I warn you: do not underestimate the battle that's about to take place outside those doors!  Winter is coming.
Cartman,"Good evening, sir. I'm calling together all the fighters of Zauron. I need to speak with Lady McCormick."
Kenny,(She's not here right now.)
Cartman,"Please tell her there is to be a meeting in the Great Hall. I have found a way to get XBox Ones, and the fair Lady McCormick will want to hear about it."
Cartman,"Thank you all for coming. Prince Token, Sir Timmy of Blacklake, Lady McCormick . Warriors, we have fought many great battles together. At Clyde's house. At Scott Malkinson's house. But soon we will be fighting the greatest battle of our young hot lives. Winter is coming, and the next gen gaming devices are hitting the shelves."
Clyde,Which nobody can afford.
Cartman,What if I were to tell you that if we all worked together there's a way we can get the new gaming system.
Token,"If you know of a way, wizard, then speak."
Cartman,"I have learned of a dark magic at work. The day after Thanksgiving, the first thirty people inside the mall get 80% off whatever they want. They are calling it... Black Friday."
Butters,"Woo, spooky."
Craig,"Black Friday? Come on, that can't be real."
Cartman,"It is real, Craig! I saw it on the news, butthole!"
Stan,It is real. They do it every year. But everyone in town tries to be the first inside the mall on Black Friday. What chance do we have?
Cartman,"On our own, none. But if we plan, strategize, and fight together!  ...We can be the first people inside on Black Friday. And use the 80% to get the gaming system we need to survive."
Male Anchor,"Well it's almost Thanksgiving, and we all know what that means."
Female Anchor,That's right. Black Friday is right around the corner.
Male Anchor,Ouch.
Female Anchor,And people are already gearing up.
Shopper 1,"We usually start linin' up around 3 am. We uh douse ourselves in pig blood, because it does help us slip through the crowd when the doors open."
Shopper 2,"We do it every year, part of the family tradition. Last year we lost our youngest daughter. He head was stepped on and crushed, but, in her memory, we're going to find a young girl and step on her head this year."
Shopper 3,"If anyone thinks they're gonna beat me inside that mall, and keep me from gettin'  my kids Christmas presents, they can kiss my fat vagina, 'cause I'm bringin' the motherfuckin' pain!"
Reporter,"Tom, the South Park Mall says they've beefed up security in an effort to reduce the number of fatalities this year. One thing's for sure, people take Black Friday very seriously."
Cartman,"Yes. Yes, very nice. Good."
Butters,"Wizard Cartman! I have news from the Internet, my lord!"
Cartman,"They don't salute in Game of Thrones, Butters."
Butters,"Uh, sorry, I haven't watched it yet."
Cartman,"Okay, we need to start immediately, please.  Ah, very good. The House of Greyhawk has agreed to join our fight!"
Stan,The House of Greyhawk?
Kyle,Larry and Brad Stoltsky
Cartman,"But my friends, we must still find others who will fight by our side! Are there no other factions we can call to our aid?"
Clyde,"Hey yeah, I know.  How about we ask those kids who play Star Trek?"
Cartman,"Uhh noo! Screw those guys. They're dorks, and I'm not playing with them."
Randy,"Hey,  that's what I'm talkin' about. You got any extra of that?  Oh, thanks!  Gets a little boring around here, you know?"
Guard 2,Enjoy the boredom while you can.
Randy,So you worked here last winter? You worked on Black Friday?
Guard 2,I did.
Randy,Is it really as bad as they say it is?
Guard 2,"The shoppers... Hm... They started showing up at midnight on Thursday... They... didn't line up, they just crammed themselves near the main entrance... I can see their faces smooshed up against the glass, licking their lips, waiting to get in... God, the sounds that they made... It was 5 am when they opened the doors... There was screaming... blood... people... tearing each other's faces off while holiday music played in the background... I saw a woman... pick up her daughter by the ankle and swing her into some old guy's head... Before I knew it they were all around me... fighting, clawing. Then a hand reached in and pulled me out. Old Cap. He saved us all that day.  When it was over... the front of the mall was... covered in red. Bodies... shopping bags...  And now winter comes again."
Butters,"Well Wizard Cartman, I started watching Game of Thrones."
Cartman,"Ah yes, Paladin Butters, are you enjoying it?"
Butters,"Well it's it's pretty good, I guess, but have you ever noticed that almost every time they show a guy's wiener, that guy's character is gay?"
Cartman,What do you mean?
Butters,"Well ih-it's just that they have a lot of girls' boobs and vagina's and stuff, but most times they show a man's wiener, it's because that guy's in a love scene with another guy. Do you think it's because gay wieners are less threatening to women viewers?"
Cartman,"Iiii believe you might be missing the greater point of the show, Paladin Butters."
Butters,"Yeah, I know. Winter is comin' and there's dragons and zombies on the way. I'm pretty excited for that. Just could do with a little less gay wiener is all."
Cartman,We have word from the kindergartners. They've agreed to join us!
Kyle,Those XBox Ones are as good as ours!
Boys,Yeah!
Craig,"Wait, wait. What are you talking about, XBox Ones?"
Cartman,"That's what this is all about, Craig. We're all trying to get XBox Ones on Black Friday."
Craig,I thought we were getting Playstation 4's.
Cartman,What?
Jimmy,M ma um m-me too.
Cartman,"...Nnnoo. Guys, when I said we're gonna get the next gen gaming systems, I was obviously talking about XBoxes."
Kyle,Yeah.
Jimmy,"Eh but I want a PS4, not a crappy XBox."
Kyle,"Look, guys, we all have to agree on one system."
Cartman,That's right.
Kyle,"If some of us are on PS4s, but the rest of us are on XBox's, then we all can't play together online. See? This is all about committing to one machine."
Craig,Right. Let's all get PS4s.
Kyle,"No, the XBox's are gonna be better."
Tweek,"They're not better, they're just more expensive."
Cartman,"We are getting XBox Ones, guys! And that is final!"
Craig,That's exactly how XBox people are!
Jimmy,Yeah!
Cartman,"Fine! If you guys don't wanna join us on Black Friday to get XBoxes, then that's fine!"
Craig,"We're still gonna fight on Black Friday, just not with you!"
Cartman,"Oh, it's gonna be like that, is it?!"
Craig,"Everyone who wants to get PS4s, join with us!"
Kyle,"No! We can't divide like this!  Stan?  You're on our side, right?"
Stan,I like the PS4's controller better.
Kyle,"Stan, the PS4 doesn't have the seamless transition between games, movies, and TV offered by XBox One."
Stan,"The PS4 has a touchpad interface. You never listened. I told you I thought the PS4 was better, but you never wanted to listen to me, Kyle. You just had your head so set because...  because that's how XBox people are."
Kyle,Then I guess I'll see you on Black Friday.
Stan,"If I see you at the mall, Kyle, I will have to try to beat you inside."
Kyle,I know.
Cartman,"Come on, Kyle. Let these Sony fucks wallow in their limited voice-control functionality."
Randy,"Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat.  Please to put a penny in the old man's-"
Sharon,What the hell are you doing?
Randy,"Oh hey Sharon. You're up, huh? I uh... alright, look: I took a temp job at the mall. I just wanted to make some extra holiday cash."
Sharon,Bullshit.
Randy,"I did, Sharon.  I saw they were hiring extra security, and I thought it'd be a good way to make money."
Sharon,"You're doing this to try and get to the front of the line on Black Friday, aren't you?"
Randy,"Nobody else has thought of it, Sharon. I won't even be out in the crowd. I'll be on the inside when the doors open. While everyone is trying to run over each other, I'll turn around and run right into the stores. I'll be the first to get whatever I want!"
Sharon,Isn't Black Friday supposed to be about buying things for other people?
Randy,"Winter is coming, Sharon, and I'm a sneaky little bee.  Bzzz bzzz."
Ensign,"Thrusters are at 20%, captain."
Kevin,"Engage, ensign. Warp factor 1."
Dougie,"Captain, we have an incoming FaceTime request from Eric Cartman."
Kevin,On screen.
Cartman,"Oh uh, hey guys, what's up?"
Kevin,Nothin' much. We're just about to check out a Class M planet that might have new sources of trillurillium.
Cartman,God these guys are such dorks!
Clyde,Just find out who they're loyal to.
Cartman,"Uh yeah, big dong and prosper. Um, listen guys, uh, uh, you're XBox people, right?"
Kevin,"Given the XBox's faster frame rate, we have no choice but to declare it the most technologically fit for Starfleet."
Cartman,"Oh my god they're so gaaay!  Um, kewl. What if I were to tell you that we have a way for you to join us in getting XBox Ones super cheap."
Dougie,Cheap XBox Ones? For real?
Cartman,"The Federation has agreed to fight with us!  With them and the kindergartners, our army has just doubled in size!  You still think you can convince Stan to come back to our side, don't you, Sir Kyle?"
Kyle,I don't know.
Cartman,"You can't change his mind, Sir Kyle. Sony people don't think with logic. He betrayed us. And now we must out-Game of Thrones him by making powerful alliances."
Butters,"Oh don't even get me started! I keep watchin' that show and I'm waitin' for the darn dragon to show up and, and kick everyone's butt! But all I get is wiener, wiener, wiener. It's not all gay wiener, but when they DO show a straight guy's wiener, it's all soft and floppy. Even though he just got done humpin' a pretty girl! Why is that? Because a soft wiener isn't threatening, just like a gay wiener."
Cartman,"Butters, you seem to be somewhat obsessed with wieners."
Butters,I'm obsessed with wieners? Well what about HBO?
Kyle,"This isn't helping us, Butters!"
Clyde,The Sony people might not be our biggest problem.
Kenny,(What do you mean?)
Clyde,Twitter says they're introducing a new Elmo doll this Christmas.
Cartman,What new Elmo doll?
Elmo,"Heheh, who, me?"
Announcer,"Just in time for the holidays, it's Stop Touching Me Elmo.  When you press his back, Elmo puts his hand on your knee and says fun things."
Elmo,Have you ever been tickled on the inside?  I'm lonely. Are you lonely?  Can I watch you go potty?  You wanna kiss the guy who does Elmo's voice?
Girl,"Stop touching me, Elmo!"
Announcer,Elmo also helps kids brush their teeth with his toothpaste dispenser.
Elmo,More! More! More! Aaaghghgh.
Announcer,"Don't miss out on this holiday season's biggest gift! Stop touching me, Elmo!"
Announcer 2,Available at South Park Mall staring Black Friday.
Randy,"Morning, Joe, Marcus."
Guard 3,"Morning, Randy."
Old Cap,What madness is this??
Randy,What is it?
Old Cap,A new Elmo doll. They're releasing a new Emo doll  just in time for Black Friday.
Guard 3,"Oh Christ, no!"
Old Cap,"You've murdered us!  You soulless monsters, you've killed us all!"
Guard 4,"Oh, God, they're already lining up."
Shopper 1,Eelllmoooo
Guard 3,No! They can't line up this soon! This is crazy!
Old Cap,"I'll deal with these demons!  If you are here for Black Friday, the line starts on that side of the rope."
Shopper 4,Oh. This rope right here?
Old Cap,"That's the line for Black Friday, so other people can do normal shopping today."
Shopper 4,Oh. Okay. Thanks.
Shopper 4,Elmooo.
Shopper 5,Give me Elmo.
Stan,"We come seeking your help. Do you side with those wanting XBoxe's, or will you join us on Black Friday and fight for PS4s?"
Michael,Are you for real?
Jimmy,"You know that the PS4 is a better choice. I mean, come on."
Michael,Of course we're going to go with the PS4. They're blacker!
Stan,Then join us! We need people to help us be the first 20 inside the mall!
Pete,"Uhhh, we're just gonna wait until the PS4s become cheaper and more available."
Stan,"No, you can't do that!"
Jimmy,"Ya yo you can't, you can't do that."
Stan,"Don't you see this is about more than Black Friday? Battle lines are being drawn! If you wait it out, but everyone else has already decided to go with XBox, then, that will become the standard! The PS4 would be like Betamax was to VHS."
Henrietta,What's Betamax?
Stan,Exactly!
Pete,What's VHS?
Stan,"...Look, we're just asking people who want to play on PS4s to fight for what they believe in!"
Michael,"Sorry, I guess we just don't care enough."
Jimmy,"Come on, Sir Stan. There must be kids somewhere who will join us."
Cartman,"Lady McCormick, I was hoping I could talk to you about Kyle."
Kenny,"(Yes. What's up, my lord?)"
Cartman,"I'm not sure if his heart is in the right place. If he were to ever...  switch sides,  it could make Stan's army problematic for us."
Kenny,(But Stan and Kyle are best friends)
Cartman,"True, but we can't let Kyle come in the way of what's rightfully ours.  Let's face it, Lady McCormick, this is really about you and me getting XBox Ones. The others are simply there to... help us get inside those doors."
Kenny,(Yes. That's right.)
Cartman,"You have a strong influence over the rest of the men, Lady McCormick. All I'm saying is when the time comes, I might need you to... use that influence to have Kyle taken care of. Do we understand each other?"
Kenny,"(Yes, I believe we do.)"
Man,"Hey, you damned kids!  Get the hell out of my yard!"
Cartman,"Fuck you, dude! This is the Garden of Andros!"
Man,"No, it's my damned garden and I'm sick of you kids dressin' up and havin' talks of betrayal in it!"
Randy,"Seventy-inch television. Huh that would be good. Oooo, but 80% off a computer. Huh, maybe I'll be able to snag both."
Voice,"Doin' alright there, Rookie?"
Randy,Whoa! Haha.  Yes sir!
Old Cap,"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."
Randy,"No, I was just uh, looking at all these great things I can't afford, heh."
Old Cap,"Listen, uh... I know why you took this part-time job."
Randy,"You-d, you do?"
Old Cap,"I see it in you. You care about people.  Same reason I do it every year.  You remind me of my son. He died on Black Friday in '89. Guess I'm still trying to save him.  Look, I just want to say I... I really appreciate what you're doing. I promised my wife this would be my last Black Friday I worked. When I see folks like you, it... makes me hopeful that people will still be okay."
Randy,Yeah... awesome...
Old Cap,"No, damn it!  No lining up behind the velvet rope!  God they just don't listen!"
Jimmy,"C-C-Cartman's army is getting bigger every day. In addition to the Federation and the kindergartners, the XBox army now also has the kids who play Harry Potter, the jocks, the swim team, and the glee club."
Craig,"Word is that the sixth graders all prefer XBox too, and will team up with Cartman as well."
Stan,And who do we have on our side?
Jimmy,"Uh besides us, it's the book club and Janice Pinkerton."
Stan,Did you ask the Vamp kids?
Craig,They're still undecided.
Stan,There has to be a way to get people on the fence to join our side.
Boy,Playstation...
Jimmy,"Look, Sir Stan, it's probably time to give this up."
Craig,"We're just a dying breed, Stan. XBox is going to win this whole thing."
Stan,So we're just gonna let other kids decide which game system we all play on? What would they do on Game of Thrones? What would they do when things look their darkest?
Corporate Head,Huh? Isogashii yo!
Member 1,"Sorry to disturb you sir, but we thought you should see this."
Corporate Head,"Omae-ya kikei .  Jishu, taihen ne.   Winter is comingu. Choose side-o. Nani kore?"
Member 1,"Just a small down in Middle America, but apparently, a war is escalating."
Member 2,"Sir, if this were to become a news story, and if the first people inside their mall all got XBoxes... well it clearly looks bad for our image."
Corporate Head,So desu ne...
Reporter 2,"What's going to be the big item everyone goes for this Black Friday? It just might be the PlayStation 4. Sony has just announced they offering a special Black Friday bundle, called the ""Brack Friday Bunduru,"" which will include four controllers, a map of Japan, a hundred dollar rebate, and, allow you to automatically pre-order for Metal Gear Solid V. No doubt Sony has just raised the stakes."
Cartman,"Yes. Good, Federation kids. You're learning to fight with your hands! Keep pushing, kindergartners!  Sir Kyle, I know that Sony's offering a special Brack Friday Bunduru. You know the XBox is still better, right?"
Kyle,"Yeah, but, why can't XBox automatically let you pre-order Metal Gear Solid V?"
Cartman,"Sir Kyle, pre-order doesn't mean shit, okay? When you pre-order a game, you're just committing to paying for something that some assholes in California haven't even finished working on yet. You know what you get for pre-ordering a game? A big dick in your mouth."
Randy,"Alright, listen up.  The mall is no longer allowing people to line up for Black Friday until Thanksgiving night.  It's okay. To hold places in line we're handing out wristbands.  Augh! Hold on! Oh God!"
Shopper 6,Wristbands!
Old Cap,"Back! Back, all of you!  If that's how you are, there'll be no wristbands! No go!"
Shopper 7,Oh!
Old Cap,Back away!
Shopper 4,"I'm getting my son that Elmo doll, you fuck!"
Randy,No!
Old Cap,You did good. The watch is yours now.
Randy,No! You can't die! Everybody really likes you!
Old Cap,"This is what we signed up for. Right, my friend?"
Randy,"No, I was lying to you! I took this job... to be at the front of the line on Black Friday."
Old Cap,"Heh. Now you know how serious this is. Whatever your intentions before, protect this town. You are in charge now. Take this.  Don't let... Black Friday... be the end."
Randy,Get back inside. We have work to do.
Stan,"When we started this fight... it was because we were tired of XBox people telling us Playstation sucks! Now... we have an army of our own!  I can't guarantee you will live, but I can guarantee that before this is over... the winner of the console wars will be decided.  Our new leader has joined us to help make sure that system is the PS4! All hail the Princess!"
PS4 Army,The Princess! Yeah!
Kenny,"Previously, on South Park."
Narrator,"Now let me tell you, child, of a war that is about to come.  Since time unremembered there have been two.  One dark and unforgiving, the other pure and filled with light.  At the dawn of war, I stand alone, looking out at would be the last battlefield, for winter is coming, and I... am a princess.  Once a common lady of the dark army, but, denied my right to be called princess by birth,  I've betrayed my kind,  and now I have chosen my side: that which I believe is best for all,  for it has the dual-shock controller with a speakers and a touchpad interface.  Our land is split in two, brother against brother, friend versus friend,  and my parent will fight on Black Friday as well. for what? I do not know."
Stuart,What the hell is he wearin' now?
Narrator,"My followers, though few in number, shall help see me through until I am finally accepted as a princess by all. I cannot rest, for I know that even now, the enemy is training for battle, also preparing for winter."
Scott,En garde!
Cartman,"Alright, stop, stop, stop!  This is NOT how you fight! You think this is a joke?! On Black Friday, there's gonna be thousands of shoppers trying to get inside that mall keeping you from getting Xbox Ones! So what do we do?! We survey each enemy, and we attack their weak spots! Scott Malkinson has diabetes, so we hit him in his weak spot!"
Scott,Aaah God ow sorry...
Cartman,"There's another army out there who thinks they're better than us, and we are not going to be beat by that traitor whore Kenny! Get back to training!"
Butters,Yeah!
Scott,Ah!
Kyle,"Cartman, we should probably talk about our chances."
Cartman,"The men are just inexperience, Sir Kyle. They need more training."
Kyle,"It's not enough! Ever since Kenny switched sides, there are more kids that wanna go with PS4 on Black Friday."
Cartman,"That Goddamn traitor! You know why Kenny's doing this, right? Because he wanted to be a princess, and I wouldn't let him!  I said, ""You can be a chick, Kenny, but there's only one ruler, and that's me!"""
Kyle,Cartman released the PS4s Cartman. They're being reviewed. People are liking them.
Cartman,"I guarantee you Kenny had something to do with Sony offering a Brack Friday Bunduru!  Just keep them in training, Sir Kyle. Two can play at Kenny's backstabbing game."
Cartman,"Stupid asshole!  Yes, hello. I'd like to speak to the president of XBox, please... The president of XBox, like, the head of XBox... Fine, CEO of Microsoft, whatever. Put him on. I need help blowing up PlayStation people... Eric Cartman. I'm a wizard and a king... A wizard-king, yes... No, I'm not king of wizards, I'm a king that happens to be a wizard.  Just put the CEO of Microsoft on the phone!"
Secretary,"Mr. Ballmer, John and Dave from Marketing are here to see you."
Ballmer,"Yes, hello. How are things going out there."
John,"Sir, the tides of war are changing."
Dave,"There's a king in Colorado, a young wizard who believes that Sony will have the upper hand if we do not come to his aid."
John,"He claims that with our help, his followers are prepared to fight to the death over which system is better."
Ballmer,"Uhh, what are you guys talking about? You sound ridiculous."
Dave,"There's... going to be a war in this small town on Black Friday, and it's all over the news!"
Ballmer,"Guys, these are console wars, not some epic battle for a kingdom. I mean, come on."
Dave,"...but, this one kid said that he's a wizard, and that Sony is helping-"
Ballmer,"Guys, guys guys! It's just a video game machine, alright? Microsoft's a company that... tries to be above all the petty commercialism, okay?"
Dave,Ok-Okay
John,Okay
Tammy,"Well, Black Friday is still a few days away, but it looks like it's already claimed another fatality."
Tom,"Niles Lawson is on the scene, and Niles, what are you hearing?"
Niles,"Tom, tragedy stuck last night when mall security officer Males ""Happy"" Davis was beaten to death with this candy cane after telling a mother she couldn't line up for Black Friday until Thursday night. In honor of the slain mall security officer, the mall has officially decided to drop another 10% off Black Friday deals!"
Randy,Happy was a good man. Too good to have died in such a brutal but festive manner.
Guard 3,Captain! Captain! The mall is dropping the Black Friday sale another 10%
Guard 4,What?
Guard 5,Oh my God.
Guard 6,They can't do that!
Guard 7,What? That's 90% off!
Guard 8,Oh God! They're back! The shoppers are back!
Randy,Everybody stay put! I'll handle this.
Randy,"If you are here for Black Friday, you cannot be on mall property until midnight on Thanksgiving."
Shopper 6,We're not on mall property.
Randy,"Well, you're about to be."
Shopper 6,"Well, what if we just walk really, really slow?  Black Friday!"
Randy,You're gonna have to walk slower than that. You've got a while.
Shopper 7,We can walk really slow. Look.
Randy,Smartasses.
Cartman,"Paladin Butters, I was hoping I could talk to you about Lady McCormick"
Butters,"You mean Princess Kenny, m'lord?"
Cartman,"Yeah, whatever. The little prick thinks he's Daenerys Targaryen. I need to know how to deal with him.  How do they deal with the Queen of Dragons in Game of Thrones?"
Butters,They don't!
Cartman,Well did you finish watching Season 3 like I asked you?
Butters,"Yeah, I finished it!"
Cartman,So what happens when the dragons show up?
Butters,"Nothing! The dragons are just still on their way! They keep promising dragons, but all I get are more floppy wieners in my face!"
Cartman,Butter-Butters! The key to our victory is following the Game of Thrones model exactly. I have to know what happens when the dragons show up so I know how to deal with Kenny.
Butters,Wha-what do you want me to do?
Cartman,Here's two bus tickets to New Mexico. I want you to take Sir Scott Malkinson and go seek out George R. R. Martin for answers.
Butters,Who's George R. R. Martin?
Cartman,"He's the guy who writes Game of Thrones, Butters! He can let us both know how to handle Kenny, and if we should betray Clyde or not. Let's face it, Butters, this is really about you and me getting XBoxes. The rest are simply there to help us get through those doors."
Homeowner,Hey! I told you kids to stay out of my damned yard!
Cartman,Do you mind?! We're trying to talk here!
Homeowner,Yeah?! Well home come every time you talk to somebody. it's about betraying somebody else?!
Cartman,Why don't you mind your own business?!
Ballmer,"No. Listen, for the last time, we don't have any dragons to send them. If some people wanna choose PlayStations, it's their choice."
Secretary,"Sir, Mr. Gates is here."
Ballmer,Bill Gates?  Uh I gotta go.  Hey heeey! Bill Gates actually showing up at Corporate.
Gates,"Hey Steve, how're you doin'?"
Ballmer,"Not bad, you know? Just tryin' to get this next gen press stuff handled."
Gates,"I heard there's a little trouble in uh, Colorado somewhere?"
Ballmer,"Oh it's- no, it turns out it was nothing, just some kids tryin' to turn the console wars into somethin' bigger."
Gates,"Oh my gosh. Yoy know, when I uh... stepped down and left you in charge of the company, Steve uh, I knew there might be some challenges for you."
Ballmer,"Yeah, well, nothin' I can't handle.  There might be some changes we need to make to our marketing, but I'm optimistic."
Gates,Uh huh.
Ballmer,"You know, I think we'll ultimately sell the number of unites we want to."
Gates,"You're right, Steve. Some changes do need to be made.  Do yo know what weakness is, Steve? Weakness is believing that competition is healthy. See, there was a time when XBoxes and PlayStations could both survive in this world, but that time's done. It's all headed to one device that people game on, watch TV on, socialize on. There's only going to be one winner. I can't have you idiots throwing away everything I worked so hard to achieve.  Clean that shit up."
Butters,"Well come on, Scott. You're lagging."
Scott,I think my insulin's low. I need to eat.
Butters,"Let's just talk to this guy, and then we can hit a McDonald's. Oh here we go. 2217."
Butler,Can I help you?
Butters,Hello? Is this George R. R. Martin's house?
Butler,"Who is this, please?"
Butters,"Uhhhh, it's two kids who want to know what happens when the dragons show up?  Hello?"
Butler,"I'm sorry, but Mr. Martin does not see fans."
Butters,We're not fans!
Scott,"Yeah, we don't like it!"
Butters,"We don't like it! And I'm pretty pissed off, if you wanna know the truth!"
Butler,About what?
Butters,"Let me talk to George R. R. Martin, and I'll tell him about what!"
GRRM,"It's the Red Wedding, isn't it? You hate how I killed everyone off?"
Butters,"Uh no sir, we just really need to know about the dragons, but they never seem to show up."
GRRM,Oh they're coming. The dragons are on their way.
Butters,When?
GRRM,You really wanna know?
Butters,Please. It's urgent.
GRRM,"Alright, King Joffrey is still at King's Landing, but there's a young blacksmith who wakes up one morning with a plan. And His wiener gently hangs down between his legs. Soft and flaccid, his wiener glistened in the golden sunlight."
Butters,"No, uhno, can we skip the wiener stuff and just get to the dragons?"
Scott,"Aw shit, I think I'm-I think I'm going to faint."
Butters,"Uh what's the matter, Scott?"
Scott,I told you I have to eat every two hours.
Butters,He's diabetic.
GRRM,"Oh Jeez, uh, why don't you kids come out from the cold? I'll order some pizzas."
Butters,"Oh. Okay, thanks."
GRRM,Come on in! I'll tell you everything that's gonna happen in Game of Thrones.
Cartman,"Sir Kyle, I wanted to talk to you about Stan."
Kyle,"If you want to make sure I'm not switching sides, Cartman, you don't have to worry. Stan is wrong."
Cartman,"It isn't that. Princess Kenny is loved by her army , but Stan is still the nuts and ball of her operation.  It would be a huge setback to the traitors getting their PlayStations if Stan were to be...  grounded?"
Kyle,Grounded? For what?
Cartman,That could be up to you.
Kyle,"No, Cartman. You said nobody will have to be grounded. We're not playing dirty!"
Cartman,"Fine, Sir Kyle. Perhaps you're right.  Did you know that Stan's dad is working a temp job as mall security?"
Kyle,What?
Cartman,"Seems a little convenient, doesn't it?  Stan with somebody on the inside to help him get his PS4s. Who's playing dirty now? Let's face it, Sir Kyle, this is really about you and me getting XBoxes. The rest are simply there to help us get through those doors."
Homeowner,Don't believe it!  He said that to a bunch of people!
Cartman,"Dude, you'd better stop harassing me or I'm callin' the cops!"
Homeowner,You're callin' the cops?!
Cartman,Yeah!
Homeowner,You're on my property! I'm callin' the cops!
Cartman,Well go ahead! Call the fuckin' cops then!
Tom,"Oh oh!  Oh, it's you."
Niles,"Tom, I'm standing in your doorway because we have a hot news story to report."
Tammy,We don't go to work for another hour.
Niles,We just got a call from Bill Gates.  He says he can promise us a bigger war on Black Friday if we play along.
Tammy,He wants us to side with him?
Niles,"That's right, Tammy. Let's not forget that having a bloodbath on Black Friday is good for the news. It's good for us. The bigger, the better."
Tom,"Our job is to report the news, not make it more violent!"
Niles,"Right, Tom. Because you're sooo about integrity. Let's go.  Or maybe I should let everyone in the newsroom know what their two anchors are up to! Back to you!"
Announcer,"It's the morning news, with Tom and Tammy Thompson. Colorado's top-rated brother-sister news team."
Tom,"Well Black Friday is just around the corner and Tammy, it's getting fierce out there."
Tammy,"That's right, and Niles Lawson is out at the mall with a little holiday surprise."
Niles,"Tammy, the excitement over Black Friday is peaking, and none other than Bill Gates himself has shown up to try to make it even bigger."
Gates,"That's right. We just wanna do whatever we can to help our supporters get their XBoxes at incredible deals on Friday, so we've come to offer swords and battle axes, whatever the kids can carry to help them fight their way through the other shoppers."
Niles,We understand that you've donated some guns to the kids as well.
Gates,"Yes, but we are limiting it to one per XBox follower,, because of course, the key thing here on everyone's mind is safety."
Mrs. McCormick,Yes?
Cartman,"Hi, is Kenny home?"
Mrs. McCormick,"Uh, yeah, Kenny's out back playing with his friends."
Cartman,"Forward, men!  That, no-  No, you- You've gotta turn me."
Jimmy,It's the enemy! Defensive po-po-p-po-p-positions!
Other kids,Protect the Princess! Kill 'em! Kill 'em! Get out!
Cartman,"I seek audience with the traitor, Lady McCormick?"
Stan,Let them pass!
Kenny,"(Welcome to my kingdom, Sir Eric. Now, state your purpose.)"
Stan,The Princess bids your fat ass welcome to her kingdom and suggests you state your purpose.
Cartman,"You can't win this, guys. Look around you. Lay down your weapons, and you can come back and fight for XBoxes with us on Black Friday."
Kenny,"(You can change your mind instead of fighting with us, Eric.)"
Stan,"The Princess says that if you wanna change your mind and agree that Playstations are better, she'll consider it."
Cartman,"Kenny, we all understand wanting to play as the chick once in a while, 'kay? But you are never going to be a real princess!"
Kenny,"(What?!)  (Oh, the nerve! How insensitive of you, you cock-sucking faggot!)"
Stan,The Princess calls you a ball-licking lesbian.
Cartman,That doesn't even make sense.
Kyle,"Stan, this has gone too far. People are going to get hurt. What you started is way out of control."
Stan,What I started? How dare you!
Kyle,All these people are going to be gaming on XBox. You really wanna just game with Craig the rest of your life?
Stan,"I would rather game with Craig than spend one minute having to set up an XBox Live account! We will get our PlayStations tomorrow, and you buttholes will have nothing!"
Cartman,"You're outnumbered ten to one, and there's no time left! How will you win?!"
Stan,The gods will find us a way!
GRRM,"So then Samwell Tarly sees the army approaching, and his wiener is about this big.  He knows that Stannis Baratheon's wiener is probably shriveled from the cold. Samwell has to rally his men, so what does he do? He takes out his wiener  and he dangles it around for all his men to see."
Scott,AAAH!
Butters,"OOAH! Uh, sir, you said pizzas were coming!"
GRRM,"Yeah yeah, they're on their way. They're still coming. So Samwell's wiener goes"
Butters,But you said they were on their way like three hours ago!
Scott,"If I don't get pizza soon, I'm goin' to pass out."
GRRM,"Don't worry. They're coming. Pizzas are on their way. They're gonna be amazing.  Now, John Snow finally faces Jaime Lannister, and this guy's wiener is, you know, huge, right? So it's not goin' to be easy."
Scott,Ehhh...
Cartman,"Mr. Gates, I was hoping I could talk to you about the fight on Friday."
Gates,"Certainly. Uh, Eric, right?"
Cartman,"Uhh, it's my Lord Wizard King, actually. Having your leadership has certainly been a help.  But I hope that we're clear that this is my army.  There can only be one person of royalty; that's kind of the rules."
Gates,"Oh I certainly don't wanna step on your toes. Don't worry, I'm quite good at letting my CEOs do what they want."
Cartman,Your CEOs?
Gates,"Let's face it, this is really just about you and me getting XBoxes. The rest are simply there to help us get through those doors."
Cartman,"Uhhh, hmmm. What?"
Homeowner,Hahaa! How's it feel?! Now who's walking who through the betrayal garden?!
Cartman,Why don't you stay the fuck out of my business?!
Homeowner,Why don't you stay the fuck out of my yard?!
President,"Ish, ish, ish, o-ish, haishooo!"
Niles,That was amazing sex. I enjoyed it immensely. How about you?
President,"Tanoshikatta ne. (Yeah, it was fun.)"
Niles,"You know, Microsoft has given kids who want XBoxes on Black Friday a lot of support. Seems a shame that the fight will be so one-sided."
President,"Eh? Nani kore, tsukareta yo. (What? I'm tired!)"
Niles,Black Friday is about to happen and it's not even gonna be a fight. That's bad for both of us. There must be something you can give to kids who want Sonys to make the fight more even.
President,Hai.  Kore ga arimasu.
Niles,"Yes, I think that will do nicely."
Chorus,"'Wiener, wiener wiener, wiener wiener"
Soloist,"One wiener, next to another wiener"
Chorus,"Wiener, wiener wiener, wiener wiener"
Soloist,Two wieners alongside yet another wiener
Chorus,"Party, wiener party, wiener party, party party, wiener party, wiener wiener"
Soloist,"Soft wieners, nice and soft, non-erect wieners!"
Chorus,"Keep them flopping, flopping wieners, floppy floppy, dangle wieners, dangle dangle"
Soloist,Five wieners in my face
Scott,Stop! Stop please! I can't take any more!
GRRM,"But this is the best part. Right before King Joffrey gets poisoned, everyone flaps their wieners all around his face."
Scott,Jeaaaaah!
Butters,"Listen, buddy! You promised that pizzas were on the way! If they don't show up right now, you're gonna have a dead kid in your hands! Do you hear me?!"
GRRM,"Okay, okay, fine fine. What kind of pizzas do you want?"
Butters,What kind do we want?!
Scott,He hasn't even ordered the pizzas yet!
GRRM,"Don't worry! They're coming! Not just two pizzas, there's, there's gonna be five! And they're gonna be huge! You won't believe it!"
Butters,"Come on, Scott! We're leaving!"
GRRM,"Wait, I haven't told you what happens yet!"
Butters,"NO! Black Friday is about to happen, and my friends and I have to be the first ones inside the mall to get XBoxes!"
GRRM,Well why didn't you say so? I can help with that.
Butters,Whatoyou mean?
GRRM,I'll make some calls. I know a way to make sure you're completely prepared for Black Friday!
President,Sony PS4 no urazuke. Zenbu. Domo sumimasen.
Aide,The President of Sony bids you thanks for all your support of the PS4.
President,Sore kara kono gifuto de Princess no Pawaa agemashou
Aide,"He offers you this gift to once and for all make you an official Princess, and to give you the powers you need to win this war on Black Friday."
President,Ima kara ... Princess Kenny!
Craig,"Wow, Kenny's a Japanese princess."
Kenny,(Wooo!)
Guard 9,Oh God. We're done for!
Randy,"My friends, the time is almost here. Let us face these shoppers with the bravery of those mall security officers before us.  Commander Marsh. ... They're what? ... They're gonna what?!"
Niles,"Tom, we have breaking news from the South Park mall. In an effort to make sure everyone is prepared, the mall has decided to push Black Friday by one week!"
Crowd,What?
Niles,"The genius idea was proposed by George R. R. Martin, who also suggested ""Fuck it, let's push Thanksgiving to December 3rd."" For pushing the date, the mall is now reducing Black Friday prices to 96% off to the first hundred people inside the mall!  This is going to be a fucking bloodbath, Tom. There will be medical tents, ambulances, face-painting, no doubt a lot of people you know and love are going to die!"
Exec. 1,Taihen! Mada Microsoft watashi no fune tomatteiru.
Sony President,Sou ka...
Exec. 2,"Sugu, funukenakereba narimasen. Kono Buraku Furaide sugu kuru."
Sony President,Kore ga mondai desu ne? Ima Purincessu Kenni sugoi irimasu!
Kenny,Tadaima!
Sony President,Oh!
Kenny,Purincessu Kenni reporuto!
Exec. 1,Ah! Ikimashita!
Exec. 2,"Kawaii na, Purincessu Kenni."
Exec. 1,Un
Sony President,"Hayai de! Purincessu Kennu, arigato! Mondai dayo: XBokusu saisho no Bill Gates watashi no PS4 shipment tomatteimasu!"
Kenny,"Hai, Purincessu Kenni assisuto!"
Captain,Baka! Kora wa sugoi cheating desu!
Deckhand,Ara! Purincessu Kenni!
Kenny,Minna-san! Kenni kimasu!
Deckhand,Aaaaah!
Cartman,He did what?? He flew down in a parachute and did what??
Clyde,"Apparently, he stopped Microsoft from blockading the shipment of PS4s to the mall. Looks like he's all over the place winning the console wars for Sony."
Cartman,"Because, because what? Because he's cute?"
Kyle,"Cartman, he's got everyone on Sony's side. We can't stop him!"
Cartman,But what does he do besides that he's cute?!
Liane,"Sweetie, Bill Gates is on the phone for you."
Cartman,"Tell Bill Gates to suck my ass, Mom!  Mom?  Don't seriously tell Bill Gates to suck my ass. Tell him everything's cool and I'll call him in a little bit."
Kyle,This would have never happened if you would have let Kenny be a princess in the first place!
Cartman,"He's not a princess, he's a DUDE!"
Kyle,"Well, unfortunately for us, he's now on the other side! We are out of options!"
Cartman,"So what are you saying, Kyle?!"
Kyle,"I have an idea.  I don't like it, but I think it's the only choice we have."
Niles,"Tom, Black Friday is finally almost here, and as you can see behind me, holiday shoppers are really getting antsy. People have been waiting out here since midnight on Thanksgiving. They're cold, they're starving, and there's already been a lot of blood shed over these holiday deals. Joining me now is Rick Tellmore,  who's been out here for six days, and= your five year old son was eaten. Is that correct?"
Rick,"Yes, yes that's right, we had to eat him. We were all sort of starving out here, so we drew straws, and he drew the shortest one."
Niles,What is it you're hoping to get when Black Friday does finally start?
Rick,"A a Blu-ray player. Ninety-six percent off, it's gonna be about 20 bucks."
Niles,"Now, some people might say that eating your child is not very Christmasy. What would you say to them?"
Rick,Iiii...ate my son for a Blu-ray play-erWith a ho ho ho and a jingle jingle jang-leMy son got ate and it tasted good ho ho jingle jingle ho ho! Ho ho jingle jing-leJingle jingle jang-leJingle jingle jingle ho ho!
Niles,"No doubt Christmas is alive and well at the South Park Mall. Back to you, Tom."
Stan,"Alright, guys, here's the deal: the main entrance to the mall is already blocked by thousands of waiting shoppers. The kids who want XBoxes plan to flank from the left, here.  Our best chance of being first inside is finding a way to the mall's back entrance, here."
Craig,At Red Robin?
Jimmy,That's right. Red Robin has doors on the inside that go right out into the mall.
Stan,The key to us being the first ones inside is taking over the Red Robin before Black Friday starts.
Craig,So how do we take over Black Robin?
Stan,I have no idea.
Pete,"Hey uh, excuse me?"
Stan,Yes?
Pete,"The uh, XBox fighters are here and they say they wanna switch sides?"
Stan,What?
Kyle,"Go ahead and tell him, Cartman."
Cartman,"Alright. on behalf of the XBox fighters of Zaron we hereby lay down our arms and give up, okay?"
Craig,Haha.
Cartman,"Shut up, Craig! This is very difficult! You guys win, alright?! We'll all play on PlayStation 4s! We still think XBox is the superior machine, but you got too many people on your side, and then Kenny became a Japanese princess."
Clyde,Nobody saw that coming.
Kyle,"Look, the truth is, we all have a bigger problem now, and you know it. Nobody is going to get anything if we don't work together against those thousands of other shoppers."
Stan,"So, better a PS4 than nothing, is that it? I think we'll take our chances on our own."
Cartman,"We know a way inside the Red Robin.  You don't think you're the only ones that thought of it. We were going to use the Red Robin entrance too, and we figured out how."
Kyle,"Red Robin can be rented out, for wedding parties. If we all chip in we can pay for the deposit to have the wedding party there."
Craig,"Hey, that could work."
Kyle,"Let's do this together, dude.  Our only shot at playing any next-gen console is by teaming up. If you wanna game on a PS4, then I do too."
Stan,And you swear you'll be okay with that? You won't talk about the XBox being better ever again?
Kyle,"I swear, Stan."
Stan,"Alright, guys. Looks like we have a wedding to plan."
Sony President,Taihen. Kono console warusu mada owaranai.
Exec. 3,Sou desu
Sony President,Un?
Exec. 3,XBox to Sony PS4 neku ando neku desu.
Kenny,"Minna-san, ii yo. Purincessu Kenni ganbaru."
Secretary 1,"Kenni-chan, shitsure desu kedo. Wedding invitation kimashita."
Kenny,Ha? Ueddingu?
Cartman,"Kenny-chan, please come home at once. Our two houses have found peace. Come to the Red Robin wedding, and we will accept you as the princess you are. Yours truly, the Wizard King."
Kenny,Waaah? Sugoi-chan.
Exec. 1,Purincessu Kenni ueddingu irimasu ne?
Exec. 2,Un.
Sony President,"Purincessu Kenni, honto ni zenbu arigato"
Exec. 1,"Ki o tsukete, Kenni-chan"
Exec. 2,"Purincessu Kenni, sayonara!"
Kenny,"Minna-san, sayonara! Ima, Purincessu Kenni tomodachi ni kaerimasu!"
Man,Eh?!
Exec. 1,Nande koto! Purincessu Kenni koroshita!
Exec. 2,Honto! Purincessu Kenni shindeitta!
Exec. 1,Horaa!
Kenny,Purincessu Kenni daijobu dayo!
The Office,"Ahh, kawaii!"
Cartman,"Sir Stan, I was hoping I could talk to you about the wedding."
Stan,"Yeah, sure, what about it?"
Cartman,"I think it's best that when the time comes for the mall to open, we should stay back a bit from the doors."
Stan,Why?
Cartman,"Well, think about it.  The first people inside are gonna have to take on the brunt of the holiday shoppers from the main entrance. It's best we let Butters and Scott Malkinson go first. While they fight, we can simply slip on by."
Stan,"Oh, okay I guess that makes sense, but... Butters and Scott won't be able to get their PS4s."
Cartman,"Yes, that's true, but, let's face Sir Stan. This is all about you and me getting PlayStations. The rest are simply there to help us... get through-"
Homeowner,"He's lying to you!  They're just acting like they've given up, but it's a double-bluff!"
Cartman,Dude! Dude!
Homeowner,They're gonna betray you at the Red Robin wedding! He got the idea watching Game of Thrones!
Cartman,"Dude, shut the fuck up!"
Stan,Who is that?
Cartman,He's just this old crazy guy who gets pissed off because I'm in his garden all the time.
Homeowner,They're gonna lock you in!
Cartman,"God damn it, shut up!"
Homeowner,He talked about it in my garden to like three other people! They're gonna lock you in the Red Robin and go get all the XBoxes! That's why he wants you to stay back from the doors!
Cartman,"Well why don't you just tell the whole world everything, huh?! Why don't you tell everyone what Prometheus was about while you're at it?!"
Stan,Did Kyle know about this?
Cartman,"Dude, we're not gonna betray you. Come on! Did you see Prometheus? I don't think the writers even knew what that was about."
Stan,Did Kyle know about this?!
Cartman,"Kyle thought of it.  Stan, dude, hold on! XBox One is fuckin' sweet, dude!  You're a fuckin' asshole!"
Homeowner,"Fuck you, get out of my garden!"
Cartman,I'll shit in your fuckin' garden!
Homeowner,Go fuck yourself!
Tammy,"Well, the wait is over and Black Friday is finally here."
Tom,"Niles Lawson is at the scene, and it's about time, Niles."
Niles,"That's right Tom. Mall officials have said they are ready, and doors will open as soon as their guest of honor cuts the ceremonial red ribbon.  This year's ribbon cutter is of course George R. R. Martin, who um, doesn't appear to have shown up yet,  but uhh, says he is on his way. Just like the dragons and zombies in his novels, he is on his way."
Butters,Now just hold on a minute! Well I'm pretty darned sure the fastest way back to Colorado isn't on horseback!
GRRM,"That may be true, but horses have one quality that is unmatched by any other mode of transportation."
Butters,What's that?  Awww!
Cartman,"Okay, cool, could we set up the two long tables here, like, facing each other, and then another one for the bride and groom back there?"
Manager,"Uh, I heard a rumor. May I ask, who is it that's getting married?"
Cartman,"Oh uum, Tom Hanks aaand Beyoncé."
Manager,"It's, it's real? It's for real? Oho my God, I love them!"
Cartman,"Yesh, kewl."
Manager,So Beyoncé is not with Jay-Z anymore?
Cartman,"Well, clearly she wouldn't be marrying Tom Hanks at Red Robin if she was."
Manager,"Uh, guys, guys, not those tables. Get the good tables. This is VIP, okay?"
Cartman,Has anyone heard from Butters and Scott Malkinson? The fuck are they?
Kyle,"Cartman, Cartman! I heard that Stan somehow found out about our plan!"
Cartman,"Yes, he did."
Kyle,Well what the hell are you doing?! This isn't gonna work now!
Cartman,"It's fine, Kyle. Everything's been taken care of. Stan won't be telling anybody anything... ever again."
Kyle,What the hell did you do??
Cartman,"What had to be done so that we can play our games on XBoxes, Kyle!"
Kyle,No. Tell me you didn't!
Sharon,"He's not allowed to come out of his room, so you can talk to him through the door."
Kyle,"Thanks, Mrs. Marsh."
Sharon,And keep it short. He's in real trouble. He defecated in a nice old man's garden.
Kyle,Ok-okay.  Stan? Stan?
Stan,Huh? Hello? Who is that?
Kyle,"Stan, it's me."
Stan,Get out of here!
Kyle,"Dude, I know you're pissed at me right now. You've gotta understand that I did it because I know in my heart that the XBox is better, for all of us."
Stan,You completely betrayed the last bit of friendship we still had.
Kyle,"You weren't playing fair, dude. Getting your dad to work part time at the mall wasn't fair."
Stan,"I didn't even know he was working at the mall, Kyle!"
Kyle,You didn't?
Stan,...But you couldn't just ask me. Because XBox people... don't care about the truth. They just care about seamless multimedia connectivity.
Kyle,"I'm sorry, Stan. I'm sorry. This whole war has just got us all so screwed up. I just want us to be playing Call of Duty on the right machine."
Stan,You don't understand. I'm never playing Call of Duty with you again.
Kyle,"Stan, don't say that."
Stan,Get out of here! I'm done with you!  Mom! Mom!  Get him out of here!  Get him out!
Randy,"Now listen up: there are only eight of us now. Peterson was a great guy, and he did not deserve to get beheaded like that. Now I don't know about you, but I am sick and tired of getting to know people here, getting invested in their personalities and their back stories, and then having them die!  When those doors open, we all stick together! If anyone panics, it puts us all at risk!  Stay tough, rookie."
Guard 6,"We're not gonna make it, sir."
Randy,"We're gonna make it! You've got a newborn little girl who needs her daddy to make it! I'm not going to let you die, okay?!"
Guard 6,Okay.
Randy,OKAY?!
Guard 6,Yes sir! Yes sir.
Randy,Not one more good person dies on my watch!
Guard 3,Oh my God!
Guard 8,They're comin' in through the roof!
Guard 6,I can't do this! I'm sorry! I can't do this!
Randy,Stay at your post!  Nooo! NOOO! EVERYBODY REALLY LIKED HIM!! NOOO!
Niles,"Here we go, Tom. George R. R. Martin has finally arrived to cut the red ribbon."
GRRM,"Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to be here this morning on behalf of South Park Mall Partners and channel 9 News, your go-to source for news, weather, and sports."
Shopper 8,Just do it!
GRRM,"Very well. In the tradition of our ancestors,  let's bring in the holidays!  But first, I'd like to share with you a few words about my wiener."
Crowd,AAAWWWW!!
Manager,"Hey, sorry guys. Red Robin is closed for a special event today."
Pete,"Yeah, we know. We're with the wedding."
Manager,"Oh great, go right on in."
Cartman,"Everyone! Everyone, a Black Friday toast. How awesome that we are all friends again. Our two houses brought together. Soon we will all have our PlayStation 4s.  And to you, my old friend, Princess Kenny. You really look stunning. No doubt the gods have smiled down upon your perky boobs.  Now, if you'll excuse my, my lady, I need to take a shit.  What have you found out?"
Clyde,The mall isn't open yet. They're waiting for George R. R. Martin to come cut the ribbon.
Cartman,"Oh okay, that could be a while.  All our men are ready. When the mall opens, blow the whistle. We'll rush through the doors and lock the Sony dorks inside. Alright, now I really do need to take a shit."
GRRM,O soft and pink with purple head.Gently you lay with me on my bed.
Shopper 9,"Get on with it, George R. R. Martin!"
GRRM,"""Growl, growl"" calls the wiener from on highA little tiny wiener, still so pleasing to the eye."
Shopper 10,Enough with the wieners already!
Shopper 11,"Yeah, come on!"
Cartman,Clyde? Where the hell is Clyde? Clyde?
Kyle,"Princess Kenny, I believe it's time we returned the Wizard's hospitality!"
Cartman,What the hell is this?!
Kyle,"I'm sorry, Cartman. There's been a little change in plans!"
Cartman,"Sir Kyle, they're about to open the mall! What are you doing?!"
Kyle,"I am no longer an XBox guy! I let my friend get grounded, but today I will give him a PlayStation!"
Cartman,"Kyle, the PlayStation controller sucks and you know it!"
Kyle,"The fight is over, Cartman!"
Gates,It's not over. Looks like I came just in time.
Cartman,"Oho! Bill Gates! Sweet! In your face, Kyle!"
Sony President,"You will not interfere, Bill Gates! These-a children will get their PS4s!"
Kyle,Wait a minute. Ha-how the hell did these two guys end up here?
Cartman,They're not a part of your betrayal?
Kyle,No. They're not a part of your betrayal?
Cartman,No. Whose betrayal is this?
Stan,We're done with betrayal! It's time to put an end to this!
Kyle,Stan?
Guard 3,"Sir? Sir, Operations just said they need one of us to unlock the door to Red Robin to let some wedding party inside the mall!"
Randy,Screw them! They'll have to fend for themselves! Wait. Red Robin Wedding? Who's getting married?!
Guard 3,Tom Hanks and Beyoncé.
Randy,"What?! Oh my God, everyone likes Tom Hanks and Beyoncé!  I've gotta save them!"
Stan,"I appreciate what you're trying to do, Kyle, but I have a better idea! This isn't our war, you guys! It never was. We've been pitted against each other by two companies for the sake of marketing. That's why they want lines around the block.  Because they want a war to promote their products. They don't give a crap what kind of friendships they cost. You two want a war so bad?  Then you fucking fight!"
Sony President,Huh?  Sou...
Gates,Then let's finish it!  You and me!
Sony President,Ikimashou!
Gates,Winner take all!
Cartman,"Oh dude, this is pretty sweet."
Sony President,"Then let this be your last fight, Bill Gates."
Butters,"Hey, fellas. What did I miss?"
GRRM,Look at this wiener.  Judge it by its size?Rub it three times and it has a surprise.
Shopper 4,"That's it! You're not delaying this anymore, you wiener-loving bitch!"
Guard 8,"Happy holidays, Rick."
Rick,"And to you, my friend."
Shopper 12,Grab it Rebecca! Grab it
Shopper 2,Kiss my fat vagina!
Shopper 13,Gimme that camera! Give it up!
Randy,Get back! Get out of my way!  Commander Marsh?
Sharon,Did you know that your son is supposed to be grounded and he snuck out to go to Red Robin?!
Randy,"WHAT?? STAN'S IN THE RED ROBIN WEDDING TOO?? OH GOD, I REALLY CARE ABOUT HIM!"
Gates,This... is over... Now... you die!  It's over. XBox... wins!
Cartman,"Yay, XBox wins."
Stan,Yay.
Randy,"Stan! You're alive! I saved you!  It's okay, Beyoncé! The fight's over! You can still shop!"
Gates,"Go on, kids.  Go get your XBoxes."
Elmo,Can Elmo smell your genitals?
EVGames Clerk,"Happy holidays, guys. What can I interest ya in?"
Cartman,We'd like to get XBox Ones please.
EVGames Clerk,Good choice!
Niles,"Tom, the shopping frenzy is over, and it looks like Microsoft's new XBox One is this year's hot item. No doubt this will secure its place as the go-to next-gen console. Black Friday is over. There's been death, violence, horrible human behavior... and the big winner here, decidedly, is Channel 9 News."
Cartman,"The interface is pretty cool. See, I told you guys, it's really a... it's a seamless interface."
Stan,"Yes, it is."
Butters,The graphics are definitely like 10% better than the old XBox.
Jimmy,Yeah that's that's that's pretty nice.
Cartman,You guys wanna p-play outside or something?
Kyle,"Cartman? Your side won, dude. Why are you so sad?"
Cartman,I just... I can't get the image of Bill Gates... bashing that guy's head apart out of my eyes.
Stan,"Yeah, I know what you mean. Well look, guys, XBox won the console wars, I mean, what are we gonna do? Not play video games?"
Cartman,"The last two weeks we've been too busy to play video games and, look at what we did. There's been drama, action, romance... I mean honestly you guys, do we need video games to play?"
The Boys,"Yeah, you're right. You make a point."
Cartman,"Maybe we started to rely on Microsoft and Sony so much that we forgot that all we need to play are the simplest things. Like, like this.  We could just play with this. Screw video games, dude! Who fuckin' needs them?!"
The Boys,Yeah!
Cartman,Fuck 'em!
Announcer,"The South Park video game, coming to stores soon!"
Butters,"Yeah, and if you believe that I've got a big floppy wiener to dangle in your face!"
Cheerleaders,"Yeah yeah, do we rock?!Yeah yeah, take it to the top!Yeah yeah, are we gonna stop?!No way! No way!"
Wendy,Cheer Squad roll call!
Heidi,Heidi!
Nicole,Nicole!
Bebe,Bebe!
Lola,Lola!
Red,Red!
Annie,Annie!
Lisa,Lisa Berger.
Annie,Oh God.
Red,Here we go.
Nicole,Ugh.
Bebe,Can we maybe try one without Lisa Berger?
Wendy,"You guys stop it! Okay Lisa, that's great. But you need to have more confidence, okay?"
Lisa,But I'm the fat one.
Wendy,What?
Lisa,Every cheerleading squad has a fat ugly cheerleader and that's me.
Wendy,"See, that's the problem, Lisa. You have a bad self-image. Just project all your sassiness to all the boys out there, okay?"
Heidi,There's only one boy that Lisa cares about.
Red,"Yeah, Lisa has a crush on Butters."
Lisa,Shut up!
Wendy,"But Lisa, that's great! Have you told Butters that you like him?"
Lisa,No way. I I'd just get made fun of.
Wendy,"Lisa, this is exactly what you need! Take Butters to see a movie or something! It'll do wonders for your confidence!"
Butters,"So then, ah, the fella with the mustache eats all the cupcakes, and the lady takes out a gun and puts it in his face and she says ""I""-"
Lisa,"Uh, excuse me. Butters?"
Butters,Oh. Yes?
Lisa,"Um, well, I was just wondering if...  maybe...  you would like to go to a movie this weekend."
Butters,"Oh. Oh like a date? Oh no thanks, Lisa. I really appreciate the offer, but you're too fat for me."
Lisa,"Okay, thanks."
Butters,"See ya, Lisa!"
Craig,"Haha, Butters got asked out by a fat girl."
Clyde,At least she didn't try to sit on him.
Cartman,"You guys, come on. That's not kewl. You shouldn't rip on her because she's fat. You should rip on her 'cause she's ugly. Okay? She looks like someone hit her in the face with a hot shovel, and that's why she sucks, alright?"
Butters,"Camptown ladies sing this song, doo-da, doo-da. Camptown racetrack's five miles long Oh, de doo-da day.Oh-"
Wendy,What the fuck is your problem?!
Butters,Oh. Hey Wendy.
Wendy,Are you just an asshole?! Is that it?!
Butters,Am I just an asshole?
Wendy,Yeah!
Butters,"Well, m-no. I've got arms and legs; I've got everything."
Wendy,Lisa Berger asked you out and you called her fat?! Do you have any idea how you made her feel?! She's a really nice girl!
Butters,Ah I think she's a nice girl too. She's just too big for me.
Wendy,"She's a little overweight, but that's pretty normal for a girl in the fourth grade!"
Butters,Well Kim Kardashian is skinny and she just had a baby!
Wendy,What?!
Butters,"I'm sorry, Wendy, but I have a different standard when it comes to my women.  I want a woman who takes care of herself and knows how to look good, who's got perfect skin and no splotches on her legs, and perfect ehhverything."
Wendy,"This is a fantasy, you moron! You ever heard of Photoshop?! Kim Kardashian is a short, overweight woman who manipulates her image and makes average girls feel horrible about themselves!"
Butters,You're a liar!
Wendy,"Look it up, stupid!  In real life, Kim Kardashian has the body of a hobbit!  You're gonna be in real trouble when the teachers find out what you said to that poor girl!"
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, take a seat, Wendy. I guess some mean things were said and I need to get to the bottom of it."
Wendy,Oh good. Lisa Berger told on you? Good!
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, no Wendy, apparently, you called Butters' girlfriend a hobbit."
Wendy,...Are you serious?
Butters,"You did! You said Kim was short, fat, and hairy with big feet and she's a hobbit!"
Wendy,That's not his girlfriend! It's Kim Kardashian!
Mr. Mackey,"Uh but, but Wendy, Kim Kardashian is considered to be extremely beautiful, mkay?"
Wendy,"Right, but she's not, in real life. She's a hobbit."
Butters,"Oh, she said it again!"
Mr. Mackey,"Now, Wendy, Kim might be uh, full-figured, but a woman's outward appearance isn't all that matters, nkay?! Have you stopped to consider that maybe, just maybe, you're jel?"
Wendy,"I'm not ""jel"", and I happen to be the biggest feminist at this school!"
Mr. Mackey,"Uh that may be true, but there is a very fine line, Wendy, between being a feminist and being a hater, mkay? And you're gonna have to find that line because nobody likes a girl who's jelly!"
Mr. Garrison,"Okay kids, there have been some hurtful and hateful things being said around this school, and so we are gonna hear from a guest speaker. Here to explain why Kim Kardashian is not a hobbit, please welcome, Aquaman."
Kanye,"Uh-huh. Uh-huh, that's right"
Cartman,Uh oh.
Kanye,"Okay, first of all, I am NOT Aquaman, I am a recovering... gay fish. Yes, I have met Aquaman. I have hung out with Aquaman. But the only thing I have in common with Aquaman anymore is my love for the sea.  Now!  There have been malicious rumors, started at this elementary school, that my beautiful fiancée is a hobbit. That is not funny, and it is not true.  Alright?! Yes, Kim is heavier than most of her pictures show her to be. Yes, she gets her hair lasered off her body. Yes, she has a friend named Gandalf who happens to be a wizard.  I'm sorry, excuse me a minute.  Bitch, how are you not a hobbit again? Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah right. Rightrightrightrightright, yeah. Okay. Yep. Yep. Let me get- okay. Yep, I got it. Okay, love you too.  Okay, if my fiancée Kim… is… a hobbit, then how come… it uh how c- then, okay, if she's a hobbit, then how come she don't live in a hole in the ground? BOOOOOOM! All y'all just got lit up, cuz! She don't live in no hole in the ground, she lives in a big-ass mansion, with me, in her room, that is slightly below ground! So, you can… She, she is sexy, and womanly, and she smokes a pipe. She can blow them rings that go up over her head, and… Hold up. Bitch, you not a hobbit, right? ... No, I know, you just, you smoke that long pipe sometimes when you sit by the fire... Oh it's a- Oh, okay. Got it, got it- What do you call it? Yep. Yep, got it. Okay. Yep, love you too.  That is not a hobbit pipe, for your information! It is a personal oral humidifier to keep all the wrinkles around her mouth from showin'. So haha, all you haters, HA!"
Wendy,"Butters. Butters, come here for a sec."
Butters,"Oh no you don't, Wendy! You're not trappin' me inside the computer lab to beat me up!"
Wendy,"Butters, will you please let me show you something so we can put this behind us?"
Butters,"Well alright, but if you try to punch me, I'll scream!"
Wendy,"I want you to see just how easy this is so we can better understand each other. This is Lisa Berger's class photo, right?"
Butters,Okay.
Wendy,"Now, first thing we do is Photoshop the bulges on her sides . We select the eyes , make them a nicer shape, take off any blemishes on the skin , lengthen the neck , add more to the hair , select the lips and make them fuller , take out any puffiness on the skin  here, add fullness to the breasts, lengthen the torso, take away that fold of skin , streamline the shoulders , put highlights in the eyes , and, there."
Butters,That's Lisa Berger?
Wendy,Do you see what I'm talking about?
Butters,She's pretty!
Wendy,That's how people like Kim Kardashian destroy the self-mage of little girls everywhere.
Butters,Hold on. Are you saying that girl wants to go out with me?
Wendy,What? What do you mean?
Butters,"And I said no? Oh man, I gotta upload this  and then go buy her some flowers and then go tell her I love her."
Wendy,Butters!
Butters,"Lisa? Lisa Berger? Anybody seen Lisa Berger?  Oh hey, Eric. Have you seen Lisa Berger anywhere?"
Cartman,I saw that picture of her you put on the Internet.
Butters,"II know! I'm gonna tell her I love her, and we're gonna be together and be happy forever."
Cartman,"Uh, Butters, I don't know how to tell you this, but, Lisa Berger is going out with Clyde."
Butters,What?! Well since when?
Cartman,"Dude, since like, noon or 12:30 today."
Clyde,"Hey Token. Token, check out my girlfriend."
Token,"Wow, she's hot."
Clyde,"Yeah, we just started dating seriously.  You wanna meet my new girlfriend, Tweek?"
Tweek,"Oh man, you're a lucky guy."
Clyde,"Yeah, I know."
Craig,"Hey Clyde. Nice score, dude."
Other boys,Yeah.
Clyde,"Oh, thanks, guys."
Jimmy,"Hey Stan, did you see Clyde's going out with Lisa B-b-Berger?"
Stan,"Yeah dude, she looks amazing. Clyde sent me her pics.  She got really hot all of a sudden."
Jimmy,Yeah. I wouldn't mind t-tah-t-tappin' that ass.
Wendy,Excuse me!
Stan,"Oh, hey Wendy. Clyde sent me these. Don't be jel."
Wendy,Why would I be jel?
Jimmy,"Well, y-you gotta admit, Lisa Berger is pretty hot, Wendy."
Wendy,She's not hot! That's supposed to be the point!
Stan,She looks pretty hot here.
Wendy,Lisa Berger is NOT HOT! She's fat and ugly!
Clyde,"That's not very nice, Wendy."
Lisa,"What's your problem, Wendy?"
Wendy,"I'm sorry. It's nothing personal, Lisa."
Lisa,You're just a hater. Why don't you mind your own business instead of being jelly?
Wendy,"I am not jelly! I made that picture of you to prove a point, and it's being taken the wrong way!"
Clyde,"It's okay, babe. Girls who don't have what you have are always going to put you down."
Lisa,"Thanks, babe."
Mr. Mackey,"Now Wendy, I've tried to be patient with you 'cause you've always been a good student! M'kay?! But calling a little girl fat and ugly is NEVER n'kay!"
Wendy,"Mr. Mackey, I was trying to show kids that-"
Mr. Mackey,"No! No excuses! You have a problem bein' jelly, Wendy! Okay?! Just maybe, I should have you sent off to jelly school!"
Wendy,Jelly school?
Mr. Mackey,"That's right! In fact, I'm gonna call the jelly school right now, okay?!  I'm sorry about this, but it's gone too far! I've had it! Hello, is this the jelly school?! ... Okay, I have a girl here who's extremely jelly! Uh, see if you can take her in for a few weeks! Okay, you're full? Okay, yeah, I guess she dodged a bullet this time, but she'd better watch her jelly behavior!"
Wendy,"Mr. Mackey, I appreciate the point you're trying to make."
Mr. Mackey,"Yuh, you do? Okay, well I'm not actually on the phone with a... jelly school, Wendy, okay?"
Wendy,"Yes, I'm... I'm a few steps ahead of that, yes."
Mr. Mackey,"Okay, well Wendy, I'm just tryin' to uh- Oh, bye, jelly school.  Uh, Wendy, I'm just tryin' to make you understand how serious it is when you lash out at other girls."
Wendy,"Thank you, Mr. Mackey, I will... change."
Mr. Mackey,M-okay.
Host,"Ladies and Gentlemen, it my my honor to give the Person of the Year award to this year's winner, Pope Francis."
Pope Francis,"Gracias, gracias, all of my children."
Kanye,"Alright hold up! Hold up! I'm sorry pope, but hold up! I just gotta say this! If my fiancée is a hobbit, then uh, Then what, bitch? Okay, yeah yeah  Okay, if she... was... ih if she is a hobbit, then, how come she don't turn blue when goblins are near?  Oh, you didn't think of that! Oh, I guess she's not a hobbit then! She must be a beautiful, sexy woman!"
Pope Francis,"The hobbit doesn't turn blue around goblins, just his sword does."
Kanye,"Man, get the fuck out of here, you hobbit trivia bitch!  Who the fuck asked you?!  Nobody is talkin' any more shit about my woman! Alright?! She is gorgeous! If she was here, you could all see for yourselves how beautiful she is! But she can't be here because she has a movie comin' out on Friday, directed by Peter Jackson, called The Hobbit! Hold up.  Bitch, that movie you got comin' out is called The Hobbit? ... Yeah, but it- ... What? It's what? Ohhh yeah. Yup. Yeah, I got it. Yup. Yup. Lemme tell them. Love you too.  Kim is not even in that movie! That movie is just loosely based on her television show, Keepin' Up With The Kardashians, which is a show about short, loud, little people living in a fantasy world! Hold. Up! Bitch, if you're the hobbit, you need to let me know right now, 'cause I'm makin' a fool of myself out here!"
Cheerleaders,"Yeah yeah, do we rock?!Yeah yeah, take it to the top!Yeah yeah, are we gonna stop?!No way! No way!"
Wendy,Cheer Squad roll call!
Heidi,Heidi!
Nicole,Nicole!
Bebe,Bebe!
Lola,Lola!
Red,Red!
Annie,Annie!
Lisa,Lisa Berger!
Wendy,"And I'm your captain, Wendy!"
Red,"Look, Wendy, we are all very happy for Lisa, okay? Nobody here is jelly. But the boys aren't even noticing the rest of us anymore."
Bebe,All we're asking is that you do for us what you did for Lisa and help with our imperfections.
Wendy,"I won't do it, you guys! I'm sorry!"
Heidi,Why?! Don't you care about us?!
Wendy,"Because it's wrong! If you guys aren't happy with the way you look, then that's your problem!"
Lisa,"Hey girls.  Don't be sad. If you wanna look really hot, like me, you just gotta be willing to sweat. Get down to the gym and work!"
Coach,"Alright girls, we're gonna trim that fat and tone those bodies. Let's do this! You first!  Get right up there!  Alright, now look here.  Come on, burn it off! You got this!"
Coach,"Look at those thighs! Come on, you've gotta push harder! '"
Lisa,"You wanna?You, you, you wanna?You wanna?You wanna look pretty?You want a boyfriend?You want a nice ass?You better work out, slut!You want nice things?You want boys to give you nice things?You better work out, slut!Now get to work, slut!Party in the cookie trough!Party in the cookie trough!Party in the cookie trough!You better work out, whore!"
The Boys,Wooowww!
Jimmy,Wow! Wow! She looks great!
Cartman,"Whoa, look at Bebe!  I had no idea Bebe was that hot."
Craig,"Yeah, but did you see Token's girlfriend?"
The Boys,Wooowww!
Clyde,"Uh, my bitch is still the hottest, you guys."
Butters,No way! Go back to Annie Nelson! She's built like a Slim Jim!
Kyle,Yeah. Clearly Annie Nelson is the hottest girl at our school. Look at those eyes!
Cartman,"Did you not see Erica Smith's boobs, Kyle? They're like perfect water balloons."
Butters,I do love water balloons.
Stan,"Hey, Wendy uh, can I ask you a big favor?"
Wendy,What?
Stan,"A lot of the pictures I have of you are kind of outdated, and um, you know, I wanna be able to show everyone how pretty you are."
Wendy,"So you want a Photoshopped picture of me to take away any imperfections, is that it?! How DARE you, Stan?!"
Stan,"Wendy, why is it such a big deal?"
Wendy,Because people should be okay with the way they look! I have pimples on my forehead! My bottom teeth are crooked! So what?! You have short legs.
Stan,I do?
Wendy,"Yeah.  And Jason has freckles, and Billy Turner has narrow shoulders.  The cheerleaders? Bebe has acne. Lola's arms are too short. Nicole's eyes are puffy. Annie has thin hair.  And Heidi Turner's butt is flat!  Oh God damn it!"
Bebe,You! HATER!
Mr. Mackey,"WENDY, IN MY OFFICE, RIGHT NOW! OKAY?!"
Wendy,Ugh!
Kanye (backup singers),"(Oh yeah, babe. Oh yeah, baby.)One thing I know, my girl ain't no hobbit.She might be stumpy; that don't mean she a hobbit.She's not a hobbit 'cause she couldn't be.She got no Bagginses in her family tree.Yes on occasion she hangs out with her dwarf friends.But she never went on no quest with her dwarf friends.Except for one time she went to kill that dragon.She took his gold and she- Hang on a minute, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.  Bitch, remember when you went off to kill that dragon with them dwarves? ... Yeah. Oh yeah. Rightrightrightright, yup. Yup, I got it. Yep, love you too. It wasn't no dragon, so my girl ain't no hobbit.That was a Quizno's and my bitch went to rob it.'Cause they got that ham that she robs on her cellulite.While she drinking her grog and singin' those merry songs... at night...My girl ain't no hobbit.Please God, tell me I'm not engaged to no hobbit. (Kim is not a hobbit.)"
Cheerleaders,Who are you yelling for? South Park! Let's go Cows!Who are you yelling for? South Park! Let's go Cows!
Heidi,Heidi!
Nicole,Nicole!
Bebe,Bebe!
Lola,Lola!
Red,Red!
Annie,Annie!
Lisa,Lisa Berger!
Wendy,Wendy.
"Nicole, Lola, Annie",Ugh.
Bebe,You suck!
Heidi,Oh God.
"Red, Annie",Ugh.
Bebe,Can we try this without Wendy?
Lola,I agree!
Lisa,"Hey, come on, you guys. She just needs more confidence.  It's okay, Wendy. Who care if no one likes you? Maybe you should go out with Butters."
Wendy,"Let's just get back to cheering, okay?!"
Heidi,I don't think so! We don't wanna cheer with a hater!
Bebe,"Yeah! You have a bad self-image, Wendy! You need to go down to the gym and get a better one!"
Annie,Yeah!
Lola,Uh huh!
Red,That's right!
Wendy,"See, the problem with having fake pictures of yourself is that you start to believe in your own bullshit! This has gone way too far!  And if society won't fix it, I will!"
Bebe,What are you gonna do?!
Wendy,Something that should have been done a long time ago!
Announcer,"It's the morning news, with Tom and Tammy Thompson."
Tammy,A little girl is making big waves with her fight against Photoshop.
Tom,"Nine-year-old Wendy Testaburger has started a campaign, and tomorrow will speak before the state senate to ban the use of Photoshopped images, saying they're harmful to young girls.  Young lady, what is your message?"
Wendy,Watching what Photoshop is doing to society... Little girls are aspiring to have bodies they can't possibly have! We have to put a stop to it.
Tom,And you're not just... being a hater.
Wendy,...Nooo.
Tom,"'Cause sometimes, girls who aren't well-liked, you know, lash out at pretty and popular girls. Are, are you well-liked at your school?"
Wendy,"Not lately, no."
Tom,Uh huh. But you're not being jelly?
Wendy,NO. That has nothing to do with me wanting to protest against Photoshopped images!
Tom,"Okay, because I do understand that the jelly school in Aurora is ready to take you in. Is that right, Rick?"
Rick,"Tom, I'm standing in front of the jelly school, where officials claim they do have room for this little hater girl. We're being told if she doesn't stop the-"
Wendy,"That's not a jelly school, that's a Dunkin' Donuts!"
Rick,"Well, okay, but, you are a hater."
Wendy,"That's fine!  People can call me whatever names they want to! I don't care! There is a cancer in our country, and I'm not going to rest until Photoshopped images are required to be labeled for what they are! Fake! And nothing in this world is going to stop me!"
Wendy,Agh! What do you want?
Kanye,"Once upon a time, there was a little hobbit who lived in the forest. And all the hobbit ever wanted was to be beautiful. And even though she was short and fat and hairy, this little hobbit dreamed that one day she could be pretty like Beyoncé.  And then one day, along came a magic power, called Photoshop. And just like that, poof, the little hobbit was beautiful. And even though she still couldn't sing like Beyoncé, or dance like Beyoncé, or act like Beyoncé, or be a decent human being like Beyoncé, the little hobbit was looked up to and loved, just like Beyoncé!  Soon she had money, and adoration, and a hip-hop fiancée who loved her very much-  I'm sorry, hold up. Hold up, I'm sorry.  Everything was good for the hobbit. But then this mean little girl, called the Jelly Monster, she was sooo jelly of the hobbit that she told everyone she was a liar, and the hobbit's fiancée realized she was just a hobbit. And you know what he said? He said ""I don't CARE!"" And then the jelly monster came and tried to take the magic power away from the little hobbit, so the hobbit prayed to God, and God said ""Don't worry, little hobbit. I will go find this jelly monster girl, and I will read her a story and melt her icy heart."" And the hobbit said ""Thank you,"" and the hobbit and God lived happily ever after in the shower forever 'cause I love her so much!  I'm sorry, hold up. Hold up. Hold up. I'm sorry."
Wendy,"Ah, ah I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I have been jelly."
Kanye,"Sorry, hold up, I'm sorry, it's okay. Hold up, hold on, I'm sorry."
Wendy,"Nono, I've been a hater, and I really am sorry."
Kanye,"Sorry, sorry, that's okay. I've been jelly before too. I'm sorry."
Character,Line
Gerald,"There you are, Kyle. I was gonna see if you and your brother wanted to go down to the bowling alley."
Kyle,"Nono Dad, please. I just got Call Of Duty: Advanced Warfare. Me and Ike are going to play it together."
Gerald,It's your day off. You boys really wanna spend it inside in front of the TV?
Kyle,"Please Dad, I've been looking forward to this all week. Aaand it's me and Ike's bonding time. Really. This is good for our relationship."
Gerald,All right.  I swear I'll never understand you kids these days.
Kyle,Yes!
Kyle,Heeey Ike! Look what I got.  The new Call Of Duty! Do you wanna go downstairs and play?
PewDiePie,"Aww, look at all the bright colors."
Ike,...Meh.
Kyle,"Meh? Ike, we have a whole day to play XBox! Mom and Dad are leaving!"
Ike,"Maybe later, 'kay?"
Kyle,Well what are you watching?
PewDiePie,"How's it goin' bros? My name's PewDiePie. I'm playing Call Of Duty: Advanced Warfare. Here we go.  Agh! People are shooting at me, bros!"
Kyle,You're watching someone play Call Of Duty and talk about it?
Ike,PewDiePie!
PewDiePie,There's lots of bullet! And I've gotta run! RUN FOR THE BUNKER! RUUUUN!
Kyle,"Ike, we could go play the game downstairs. Isn't that better than watching some guy on YouTube playing it?"
PewDiePie,"All right, I hope that's enough."
Ike,Meh.
PewDiePie,"Uh, like I said, um... Look at this. Look at this. Ooohhh, gigrrig!"
Kyle,"Dude, I'm telling you. It's crazy. All my little brother wants to do is sit on YouTube watching this PewDiePie play video games. I swear, I don't understand kids these days."
Butters,What's a PewDiePie do?
Kyle,"Google him. He's this guy from Sweden who has over 30 million YouTube subscribers. We didn't even know, but he's a bigger celebrity to kids than anyone. It just seems so lame."
Cartman,"He plays video games and makes millions of dollars, and it's lame how?"
Kyle,"Because- because that's not even entertainment! I mean, it's just, just, rehashing shit, isn't it?? It's like everything these kids are into these days, you know, it's just... rehashed shit!"
Announcer,"This Saturday, at the Pepsi Center, it's Women of Rock! Miley Cyrus, Iggy Azalea, Nicki Minaj, and Lorde!  All on one stage, on one night! With a special appearance by Michael Jackson's Hologram!"
MJ Hologram,Hee hee!
Announcer,"Ticket proceeds help fight the gluten crisis in West Africa! It's a night of pure, pure estrogen! Tickets on sale now!"
Randy,"Yeah, it's me. I told you I can't play the concert!"
Record Executive,"Come on, this is a great lineup."
Randy,"Look, I do a lot of post-production enhancements to make my music sound the way it does, okay? I feel like if I play live I'm... really gonna disappoint people. I'm sorry, but the answer is no."
Record Executive,I don't think you're really in a position to turn down this kind of gig.
Randy,What is that supposed to mean?
Record Executive,I understand your son gave all your savings to Canada.
Randy,"Yes, Freemium gaming."
Record Executive,"I'm sorry. Freemium gaming destroys lives. I lost my father to Candy Crush.  You need this, Lorde. And the girls out there need you. You've got till tomorrow to think it over."
Randy,I love Candy Crush.
Kyle,All I wanted was to play one level of Call of Duty and you know what Ike told me? He said the living room was for old people.
Stan,I don't get it. The whole fun of Call of Duty is that you get to do the shooting.
Kyle,"I know! But that doesn't matter any more! These kids don't wanna play the game, they just wanna watch people on YouTube play it. And you know why? Commentary."
Kenny,(Commentary?)
Kyle,"Yeah. You used to sit in the living room with family and friends to hear their commentary on things. Now you can get it with a little guy in a window on the screen. Someone who just comments on stuff. I mean, really? Who would even WANT to do that?!"
Cartman,"Hey bros, what's going on? This is CartmaaanBrah! Be sure to subscribe to my channel if you haven't already, 'cause subscribing makes you feel good! Uhh, so today I'm gonna comment on Call Of Duty. More specifically, I'm going to comment on my friends commenting on Call Of Duty, so let's start."
Kyle,All I wanted was to play one level of Call of Duty and you know what Ike told me? He said the living room was for old people.
Cartman,"That's Kyle the Jew again, talking about Call Of Duty to Stan."
Stan,I don't get it. The whole fun of Call of Duty is that you get to do the shooting.
Cartman,Stan is such a douchebag. He just agrees with Kyle no matter what.
Kyle,"I know! But that doesn't matter any more! These kids don't wanna play the game, they just wanna watch people on YouTube play it."
Kenny,(Commentary?)
Cartman,There's Kenny commenting on Call of Duty. Kenny! Kenny! SPEAK UP!! SPEAK THROUGH THE HOOD KENNY!
Kyle,Yeah. You used to sit in the living room with family and friends to hear their commentary on things. Now you can get it with a l-
Shelly,"Mom, Dad, Kelly and Stacy are going to the Women of Rock concert! Can I go with them?!"
Sharon,"I don't know, Shelly."
Shelly,"But Mom, Lorde is playing! You can't not let me go or I'll hate you forever!"
Randy,"Shelly, there's a good chance Lorde isn't goin' to show up."
Shelly,"She will too! She has to show up, and if I don't get to see her I'm gonna kill myself!"
Randy,And what if you go and Lorde doesn't sound that great in person?
Shelley,"That doesn't matter, Dad! We love Lorde because she's real! Gosh, you guys don't understand anything!"
Randy,"You know, I think Lorde is going to play tomorrow."
Shelly,So can I go or not?!
Randy,If she means that much to you.
Shelly,"Okay, yay, thanks, love you guys."
Sharon,Sooo you're doing it?
Randy,How can I let her down? Do you mind finishing up here? I think I should practice a little.
Sharon,Of course not.  Anything to keep you away from cock magic.
Cartman,"Uhh, so today I'm gonna comment on Call Of Duty."
Kyle,"Hey Ike, you wanna come watch TV with me?"
Cartman,"More specifically, I'm going to comment on my friends commenting on Call Of Duty, so let's start."
Kyle,"Oh no! No, Ike! You are not watching him comment on things!"
Kyle,All I wanted was to play one level of Call of Duty and you know what Ike told me? He said the living room was for old people.
Cartman,"That's Kyle the Jew again, talking about Call Of Duty to Stan."
Kyle,What the fuck?!
Stan,I don't get it. The whole fun of Call of Duty is that you get to do the shooting.
Cartman,Stan is such a douchebag. He just agrees with Kyle no matter what.
Kyle,"Ike, that is enough! If you're interested in Call of Duty, go play it downstairs in the living room!"
Cartman,"God these guys are so annoying, aren't they? CartmaaanBrah!"
Kyle,But that's all that matter now! It's just all ... and the new celebrity?
Ike,CartmaaanBrah!
Kyle,What do you think you're doing?!
Cartman,Shooting for a D in a game of Horsedick.
Kyle,You know what I mean! Why is my little brother watching you talking about us talking about him?!
Cartman,I have a YouTube blog where I comment on video games. Big whoop.
Kyle,I don't need Ike listening to you comment on anything!
Stan,What are you talking about?
Kyle,This fat fuck thinks he's PewDiePie! Because of him I can't get Ike to come out of his room!
Cartman,"Because of me?! I'm pretty sure I'm not the person who invented Let's Plays, Kyle."
Kyle,Let's Plays?
Cartman,"That's what they're called, dude. Get with the times."
Miley Cyrus,"There's a party going on and it's all right here, yehhhehehah!Throw my hands in the air while I'm twerkin' this chairThere's a party going on and it's all right here, yehhhehehah!And I'm movin' my hands while I'm shakin' my tits."
Stagehand,"Alright guys, Uh, Miley's about to finish up her set. So next we'll need you, Nicki Minaj, then Iggy Azalea who'll be performing with a hologram of Michael Jackson, and then finally you, Lorde.  Have a great show, ladies."
Randy,"Hey uh, listen, I, I thought I could do this, but it's not gonna work."
Record Executive,"You're nervous, it's understandable."
Randy,No I'm eh... I know for a fact that I don't sound the same live.
Record Executive,"You think those people out there care what you sound like? You're just another female pop star. Just go out there, pump your hips and rub your clit."
Randy,Hey! That's not what my music is about! I'm not reducing myself to that!
Iggy,"Oh fuck you, Lorde! You think you're so much better than everyone!"
Randy,"No, I don't, Iggy. I just think that our younger girl fans need something a little more positive as role models."
Iggy,"That's easy for you to say because YOU don't have a nice body! Is that why you're so high and mighty, Lorde?! Because you're jealous of this booty?!"
Randy,"Iggs, I really don't care to go through this again with you."
Iggy,'Cause let's face it! You got legs that look like a horse!
Randy,Fuck you!
Record Executive,Alright that's enough!  Look at yourselves!
Iggy,"You're an Internet bullshit artist, Lorde!"
Stan,"Hey, what's up?"
Kyle,You're not gonna believe this.
Stan,"Oh no, what now?"
Kyle,"I wanted to get Ike out of his room, so I invited all his friends over for a slumber party to play Dragon Age: Inquisition."
Stan,Yeah?
Kyle,Come on!
PewDiePie,He's just laying there.
Kyle,See? Look at this. Ike has all his friends over and they're just sitting around on their own computers barely talking to each other. Ike is watching PewDiePie play Dragon Age.
PewDiePie,"I'm going ""Dun dun dadadun dun dadadun."""
Kids,PewDiePie!
Kyle,And this kid is watching Cartman commenting on people commenting on Dragon Age.
Butters,Well it's a really great game. The characters are so rich.
Cartman,"Butters is such a butthole, oh my God! CartmaaanBrah!"
Kids,CartmanBrah!
Stan,"Dude, video games are meant to be played in a living room, not something to watch people comment on!"
Conner,"Okay Grandpa, we'll be sure to keep that in mind."
Stan,Grandpa?
Kyle,"This is how they talk to us!  You'd better watch your mouth, kid!"
Kid 1,"Yeah Conner, we're supposed to respect our elders, remember?"
Kid 2,It's best to just make old people think they matter.
Stan,"Oh, is that right?! Do you even know how to multiply?!"
Kid 2,No sir. Thank goodness we have you to do that.
Stan,We're not being grandpas! Your guys's stuff is just seriously lame! Our generation's stuff is cool!
PewDiePie,Oh my God I killed him!
Iggy,"Missy who who?That's all I do is rip off Missy.Missy who?Missy who? Missy who? Missy who who? Missy who who?Alright bitches and hos, via hologram and shit, Michael Jackson!"
Tech 1,"And, cue the hologram!"
MJ Hologram,Hee hee.
Randy,They shouldn't rehash dead people. It's so wrong.
Nicki,"Oh Lorde, you're such a purist."
Randy,"Can't help it, Nick. Can't help feeling like... we're losing something."
Wendy,Hi everybody. I love you!
Audience,Thanks for loving me. I love you too.
Wendy,So I guess there's this new trend with young people where the celebrities they look up to most are YouTube commentators. Just ordinary people who sit in front of a mic and blab their opinions about everything while their mindless loyal followers cheer them on. Isn't that crazy??  Well let's meet one of these stars of the internet. Please welcome CartmanBrah!
Cartman,CartmaaanBrah!
Wendy,So can you explain to our audience members over the age of five what it is that you DO?
Cartman,"Well, Wendy, I started by talking about people talking about video games, but now I'm branching out into talking about people talking about music and the arts as well."
Wendy,And why do you think young people-?
Cartman,CartmaaanBrah!
Wendy,...Why do you think young people are responding to this?  I'm asking you a question!
Cartman,"CartmaaanBrah! CartmanBrah! Be sure to subscribe to my channel, brahs."
MC,"And now, give it up for the girl from New Zealand, LORDE!"
Randy,"Thank you! Thanks a lot! This is for all the royals out there!  Lorde Looorde. I'm Lorde, ya ya ya-a-a. Sittin' on the toilet thinkin' 'bout how I'm not as rich as other people, ya ya ya.  Yaa ya ya ya, I'll never be, I'll never by royalty. Ya ya ya. But that'd be nice 'cause that'd be a nice fantaasy.  Women's bathrooms smell so nice, ya ya ya. Ya ya ya.  And we'll never be- Lorde Lorde Lor- Lorde flushing- Lordy Lordy Lorde. Lor-uh, okay, uh.  Oh God. Sorry.  Uh hold on. Hang on, uh."
MJ Hologram,Hee hee.  I'm free! I'm free!
Randy,"Sorry folks, just one second here."
MJ Hologram,Hee hee. Dah dadit dat ja!
Guard 1,Stop him.
Guard 1,Michael Jackson's hologram is on the loose!
MJ Hologram,Hee hee!
Randy,"Ah ya ya. Okay, uh. Ah ya ya ya ya-a-a-a.  Okay, uh, uh...  Oooo! Oh yeah! Oh my clit! Oh yeah! Oooo yeah, flick that bean, yeah!"
Fan,"Ogh! Lorde, ewww!"
Randy,"Oh, I'm so horny, yeah! Ooo, fuck, my clit's so big! Oooo!"
Randy,"Could you um, pass the potatoes, Stan?  Great, thanks.  Well, nobody's talking. Does anyone have anything to talk about?"
Stan,"Why'd you have to rub your clit on stage, Dad?"
Randy,I was told to!
Sharon,"You were told to walk out in front of a hundred thousand people including little girls who look up to you, and start rubbing your clit."
Randy,"Okay, hold on! A, I don't have a clit, so technically, I wasn't rubbing anything! And B, I didn't want to even perform tonight, but Stanley gave all our money to Canada through a freemium game, so if anyone rubbed their clit, it was him!"
Kyle,It's dying. The living room is... dying.
Randy,"Yeah, it's me. I need to fix this. How can I undo the clit-rubbing?"
Record Executive,What are you talking about? It's great! You're the most commented-on artist in the world right now! You're blowing up twitter and you're trending on CartmanBrah. #clitnubbin
Randy,"Look, this isn't what I want! My music is supposed to be-"
Record Executive,"It's not about the music, Lorde! It never was. It's about comments! And sister, you've got 'em!"
Randy,This ends now. I'm gonna tell people the truth.
Passenger,"Will you look at that? Everyone on their cell phones, nobody sayin' a word to each other. Call me a grandpa, but I still like commenting face to face with folks. You know what I mean, buddy?"
MJ Hologram,Yes.
Passenger,"You're headin' up to the mountains too, huh? Gonna do some skiin'?"
MJ Hologram,"No, I just need to... take care of some im-, important business."
Passenger,"Oh, what kind of business? Oh are you a fisherman?"
MJ Hologram,"Yes. I mean, yes, that's all. I'm, I'm just gonna fish and hunt."
Passenger,"Oh, you're a hunter? What do you prey upon?"
MJ Hologram,Nobody! That's ignorant!
Passenger,"Well, you must have a favorite kind of prey?"
MJ Hologram,Allegedly! Allegedly! That's ignorant!
Passenger,"You know, excuse me for saying so, but you seem kind of... transparent."
MJ Hologram,...That's ignorant. I'm just cold.
Passenger,I'm saying it must make it easier to sneak up on your prey.
MJ Hologram,"Allegedly! I'm weary of this conversation! Can we please stop talking, please?! Ignorant!"
Passenger,"Well, whatever it is you're after, I hope you get it."
MJ Hologram,"Oh I will. Trust me, I will."
Tech 2,"Ah, we've lost any ability to track the hologram's location. Ih...it looks like it reprogrammed its guidance systems."
Record Executive,We paid a lot of money for that hologram. You'd better find a way to get it back!
Tech 3,Project Alpha?
Tech 4,Yes. That might be our only option.
Record Executive,What is Project Alpha?
Tech 4,The first hologram we ever created to appear on stage. It was a prototype. But perhaps the best thing to stop a hologram-
Tech 3,Is another hologram. Bring up Project Alpha!
Tech 2,"Sir, are you sure that we wanna-?"
Tech 3,Bring it up!
Record Executive,What is that?
Tech 3,Tupac.
Tech 4,"Tupac?  Yo. The hologram of Michael Jackson is on the loose. We need you to ""take care of the situation."""
Tech 3,"Godspeed, Tupac."
Man,"Oh my gosh, honey look it's Tupac! I told you them homies didn't cap his ass!  Oh, this is going on Instagram!"
Cartman,"Hey hey, how's it going, bros? This is CartmanBrah. CartmaaanBrah. And uhh, we are, it looks like we are at the bus stop now.  Yep, there's Kyle, Stan andn Kenny looking stupid as ever."
Kyle,I don't know what the hell to do. The whole world's gone crazy.
Stan,Tell me about it.
Cartman,"Uh oh, it looks like Kyle is taking issue with something again. Kyle's got a pro-blem. CartmanBrah!"
Kyle,"You know, you used to sit in the living room with your friends and family, and THEY were the ones commenting on whatever was on TV."
Cartman,Oh God.
Kyle,Do you mind?!
Cartman,"Oh, looks like Kyle is commenting on my commenter window, bras! Be sure to comment on that. #kyleisgettingfrustrated"
Kyle,Dude! Nobody wants to hear you commenting on things!
Cartman,"Oh really. Ten thousand subscribers and counting, brah!"
Randy,Thanks for seeing me. I've got my speech written. I'm ready to let the world know the truth.
Record Executive,"Sit down, Lorde."
Randy,I'm not interested in being talked out of ending this. It's the right thing to do.
Record Executive,"Do you know what an artist is now, Lorde? An artist is a conversation piece, nothing more.  Like a vase, or a kitschy side table. Just something for people to comment on.  The old ways are dying. We're not making money off records, we're making money off tweets. And you've taken it to a whole new level."
Randy,Well that's not a world Lorde ever wanted to be a part of.
Record Executive,On the contrary. Lorde is going on the Jimmy Fallon show tonight and exposing her asshole for everyone to freak out about.
Randy,I'll do no such thing!
Record Executive,Who said anything about you?
Randy,You can't just replace artists with holograms. Who will make the content?
Record Executive,"Today, commentary IS the content. And you, I'm afraid, are just in the way."
Mr. Garrison,"Okay children, let's take our seats. Before we get started, Kyle has asked to say a few words. Go ahead, Kyle."
Kyle,"What is happening to our living rooms? There is a crisis in America, and-"
Cartman,"Looks like we're in the school now. Check out Wendy, she's flat as a pancake."
Mr. Garrison,What the hell is that?
Kyle,It's Cartman's stupid online persona!
Cartman,Oh my dick's gettin hard again! It's protrudin' out my paaaaants!
Mr. Garrison,What the hell?
Cartman,"This is the way of the future, Mr. Garrison."
Butters,It's true!
Cartman,"Heh that's right, Butters will back me up on anything. He's such a bitch."
Butters,Heheyehah.
Kyle,There is a crisis in America! As families grow further and further apart-
Cartman,There is a crisis in America. and we have to save our living rooms. Our living rooms are dying.
Kyle,"Mr. Garrison, will you make him stop!"
Mr. Garrison,I don't- I don't even understand what's happening.
Kyle,THIS is the reason why our living rooms are dying!
Cartman,"This is the reason why our living rooms are dying, so we've got to do something."
Mr. Mackey,"Eric Cartman's commenter window to the principal's office, please? Eric Cartman's commenter window to the principal's office!"
Cartman,What the hell did I do?
Principal Victoria,"Eric, I've had a lot of complaints that your online persona is becoming a distraction."
Cartman,Well this sucks. Looks like I'm in the principal's office for just commenting on things.
Principal Victoria,"Eric, I am talking to YOU!"
Cartman,Adults so don't get what's cool anymore.
Randy,Sharon? Sharon!
Sharon,Randy? What's going on?
Randy,"They made a hologram of me, Sharon! They don't care about the music! They're REPLACING us!"
Sharon,"Oh my God! You mean, I just slept with a hologram?"
Randy,The hologram's in our bedroom?
Sharon,Yes!
Tupac's Hologram,"I've gotta be leavin' now, Sharon. I would leave you my number but I'm just a hologram 'n shit."
Randy,You slept with Tupac?! SHARON!
Record Executive,"It's a brave new world, starting much sooner than we thought. What we need is someone who truly gets the changing of the guard. We have an army of holograms poised to start the next chapter in American culture. How would you like to be in charge of it all?"
Cartman,"Ohohoh, totally, brah! So sweet. Being in charge of stuff rules! CartmaaanBrah!"
Record Executive,Glad you feel that way. We have a lot to do together. We're about to take this to a whole new level.
Cartman,"Ooohh, I love whole new levels! This is gonna be so totally awesome! CartmaaanBrah!"
Cartman,Boner balls. Boner balls-boner... Boner forest. Dense... boner forest.
Stan,Pungent crotch sweat. Pungent milk- milky crotch spooge.
Kyle,Barking vaginal belch.
Cartman,Protruding vaginal boner.
Kenny,(Dilapidated titties incorporated.)
Cartman,"Oh, I like that."
Butters,Rotten boobie turds!
Stan,Nah.
Kyle,Bloody butt cough.
Stan,Uh huh.
Stan,Angry Clit Spasm
Registrar,"Nope, sorry."
Stan,Whooping Fart Balls.
Registrar,Nnnnnope.
Stan,Lubricated Titty Burgers.
Registrar,That's taken too.
Stan,Indifferent Rectal Semen Splooge!
Registrar,Sorry.
Cartman,Indifferent Rectal Semen Splooge is taken too?! Come! On!
Kyle,How are we supposed to name our startup company if every name is already taken?!
Registrar,"I told you, you just have to be really original with with your company name. There's a lot of startup company these days."
Cartman,"Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly On The Table, Incorporated!"
Registrar,That's available! Congratulations!
Kyle,It... doesn't... quite roll off the tongue.
Stan,"Dude, we're not gonna get any attention with that name."
Butters,Man this sucks!
Randy,"Uhhh, Stan? Aren't you supposed to be in school?"
Stan,"No. Dad, we don't need school anymore. We're forming a startup company."
Randy,A startup company? A company that does what?
Stan,"No, we don't wanna do anything."
Kyle,"Yeah, that's why we wanna have a startup company."
Butters,"Yeah, we're sick of school! But all the good attention-getting startup names are taken."
Randy,"Wuhuhull, boys, there's more to starting a company than having a catchy name."
Stan,"...Nnnno, there isn't."
Cartman,"You guys! You guys, it's awesome! Holy shit you guys!  You guys, I've got it!"
Stan,What?
Cartman,It's the greatest startup company name EVER!
Kyle,What?! Tell us!
Cartman,Washington. Redskins.
Kyle,Washington Redskins?
Cartman,It's sooo sweet!
Stan,"I'm pretty sure that's taken, Cartman."
Cartman,"It's not, dude! Some dumb court-thingy, and the trademark got pulled! You can use it! Aaand the logo!"
Stan,Washington Redskins.  I like it!
Kenny,(Me too!)
Kyle,What?!
Cartman,Dude! There's already brand name awareness and it's instantly recognizable!
Kyle,"Wait. Guys, this, this doesn't seem legal."
Cartman,"Kyle, you're not hearing me! The trademark has been pulled! We can do whatever we want!"
Stan,You alright dude?
Kyle,"Yeah, I just... well I just thought our company name would be more like uh... or-original"
Cartman,"It's a strong name, dude. It's like agressive and masculine like Boner Forest, but Boner Forest was taken."
Kyle,"Yeah, but maybe we need a name that's more affirming, like, shows what we stand for."
Cartman,"We don't stand for anything. Remember our company plan, guys!  Start up, cash in, sell out, bro down."
Kyle,I'm just not sure this is the name people are gonna give money to.
Butters,We already got a dollar!
Stan,What?!
Butters,One dollar pledge!
Kenny,(Yahoo!)
Cartman,"I told you guys! ""Washington Redskins"" totally gets people's attention!"
Butters,Another two dollars!
Kyle,No way!
Cartman,"Sittin' on our asses, here we come!"
News 4 Anchor,"Another new startup company is gaining a lot of attention on the Internet. They're a company that does absolutely nothing, and they're called, the Washington Redskins.  The Redskins started as what appeared to be some kind of adolescent prank, but almost overnight it has become one of the most heavily funded projects on Kickstarter.  Why did you give five dollars to the Washington Redskins Kickstarter?"
Teen Boy,"I dunno, I just. Uh. They don't do anything, that's pretty sweet. I dunno, I thought it was funny."
Cartman,"By pledging just one or two dollars, you are helping us in our fervent quest to not have to do stuff. If you pledge $10 or more, you will receive this luxurious company micro badge."
News 4 Anchor,"It's called crowd-funding, using the Internet to raise money without having to pay back your investors, a tactic that some believe is unfair and impersonal."
Cartman,"Washington Redskins. Go fuck yourself.  Sure, we'd be happy to take your money. Yup. Go to our kickstarter page. Okay, nice, idiot. Uh huh, fuck you, bye bye."
Businessman,You are Eric Cartman?
Cartman,"Yes, I know."
Dan Snyder,My name is Dan Snyder. I'm the president and owner of the Washington Redskins
Cartman,"Oh, cool. Please take a seat."
Dan Snyder,"Thank you, but I will stand."
Cartman,"Nice, I like that."
Dan Snyder,"Young man, we ask that you please stop using the name Washington Redskins for your organization."
Cartman,Stop? But why?
Dan Snyder,"Because we are the Washington Redskins, and we are a football team! You have NO right to use our name to get attention!"
Cartman,"Uhhh, the trademark got pulled so I'm totaly free to use the name, actually.  Um, Butters, could you get that?"
Butters,Washington Redskins. Go fuck yourself.
Dan Snyder,"Look! Don't you see that when you call your organization ""The Washington Redskins"", its offensive to us?"
Cartman,How is it offensive?
Coach,"How is it offensive?! Jesus, what-?!"
Dan Snyder,"We are a proud team, Mr. Cartman! We have no wish to be associated with people who actively do nothing!"
Coach,Makes us feel like a joke
Cartman,"Guys, guys! We have total respect for you! When we name our company ""Washington Redskins,"" it was out of deep appreciation for your team and your people."
Dan Snyder,"Uh, I know I can't legally make you stop using our name, but, but won't you just do it out of decency?"
Cartman,"Mmmm, noooo, Because I don't want to. Aaaand we can't just change the name of our company 'cause it's like super hard. But hey, from one Redskin to another, go fuck yourself."
Flight attendant,"All around the world, people are saying they are inspired by the Washington Redskins. The Internet startup company has raised so much money in Kickstarter that now, more groups are doing the same."
Reporter,More news on the Washington Redskins tonight. Their defiant. F-You attitude has now caught the attention of the terrorist group ISIS. The terrorists said they admire the Washington Redskins and want to try it and follow their business model.
A caller,"Well, let's not forget, Marsha that there's a people here, okay, who are not happy about the use of the name, the Football Washington Redskins!"
Woman,"Well yeah, but does anyone really care about them?"
Cartman,"Dude, this is sooo cool! We only have six days to go before all the money pledged to our company becomes liquid!"
Kyle,"Guys, we need to talk to you. I really don't think we wanna be a company that ISIS looks up to. We should maybe issue a statement saying that we don't sanction them."
Cartman,"Oh no. No, you guys. We started this company to do nothing. If we start doing stuff now, it'll put it all at risk!"
Kyle,People aren't gonna support our company if we dig in our heels and say we don't care about anything!
Cartman,"Digging in our heels and pissing on public opinion us what the Washington Redskins are all about!  Now come on, guys! If you wanna be a successful business, then you have to be honest about what you are!  Once you take a stand on something, you're pretending like your company is about more than money. Then all of a sudden you're the NFL and and your players get caught molesting little boys!"
Kyle,That's the Catholic Church!
Cartman,"NFL, Catholic Church, same thing! Okay, let's use the Catholic Church! You take a moral stand on issues, you say you're about honor and integrity, and the next thing you know, your clergymen are getting caught beating up their wives in an elevator!"
Kyle,That's the NFL!
Cartman,"It's the same thing, Kyle! The point is, if we as an organization claim to be about high morality, somebody is eventually going to get raped or beaten in an elevator and it's most likely going to be Butters."
Butters,Oh no!
Kyle,"All right, I really don't want to have to do this, but... I'm not happy with the direction this company is taking."
Cartman,"Well, what are you gonna do? Go back to school? I'm not going back there, man!"
Kyle,Maybe I'll start my own company.
Cartman,"Well that's fine! You can't call yourself ""Washington Redskins!"""
Kyle,I don't want to! It's a stupid name!
Cartman,"Well, I guess everything's out on the table now, huh Kyle?"
Kyle,Yeah. I guess... I guess everything is.
Cartman,Stan? Do you think our name is stupid too?
Stan,"I don't know, I... But I don't know if my future is with this company either."
Cartman,"Well then, I wish you both well in your new venture. Good-bye."
Butters,"Hang on, is this the company where I don't get raped? Yeah, he-here, right? Okay, I'm uh stayin' here."
Dan Snyder,"Is the league just going to sit by and while my team and my players are compared to ISIS. You have to do something, Commissioner Goodell! What are you going to do about this?!"
Goodell,"I will get it right, and do whatever is necessary to accomplish that."
Dan Snyder,What?!
Goodell,We will continue to identify and add expertise to our team.
Dan Snyder,That's the most ridiculous nothing answer I've ever heard! What are you gonna do now?!
Goodell,Everyone will participate in educating sessions starting in the next month.
Dan Snyder,Ugh! This thing is broken!
Goodell,"We can add... and we will do more, do more, do more"
Dan Snyder,Get all the NFL owners on Skype! This thing is broken again!
Dan Snyder,And so I call upon the help of all owners. You cannot let my people be belittled like this!
Jim Irsay,"Dan, you don't wanna be dealin' with this stuff. Let the Goodell-bot do it."
Dan Snyder,The stupid thing isn't working!
Goodell,I will get it right.
Steve Bischiotti,"Man, that thing hasn't worked right since we bought it."
Dan Snyder,"Look, my team is starting to lose hope. You have to use your influence to make these people change their name."
Paul Allen,Did you tell them we're about honor and integrity?
Alex Spanos,"If the Goodell bot is broken, we must stay out of it more than even usual!"
Dan Snyder,And so I'm alone? What if they ridicule the 49ers team next? Or make fun of Jerry Jones because his eyes are too far apart?
Jerry Jones,My eyes aren't too far apart!
Paul Allen,"If we get them to change their logo, will it make you happy?"
Dan Snyder,Uh I guess we can live with that.
Jim Irsay,Then it is decided! We will make them change their logo. Begin mas behind-the-scenes under-the-table enforcement of our wishes NOW
Owners,Go!
Dan Snyder,Thank God!
Cartman,"Fuck youuuu, fuck youuuu. Fuck you up there! Fuck you! ""Fuck you."" Those words mean a great deal to us. They help us express just how we as a company... see things differently. There are a lot of startup companies on Kickstarter, but after today I think you'll agree that Washington Redskins is the most exciting. As you know, the Redskins have been on the forefront of Kickstarter as a company that is always finding new and exciting ways to tell people to go fuck themselves. And now, our company is thrilled to show you all the latest innovations we've come up with.  To begin with, we have moved the couch from the left side of the office to the right side. But we didn't stop there. We also added a new rug that goes better with our office drapes. And probably most exciting of all, we have actually updated the company from the inside out. We received a lot of pressure from certain communities to change our Redskins logo. As a company we want to be firm, but we also want to be flexible. And so we thought, if we have to change our logo, it should be more in step with today's times, but still define us as the leading Kickstarter company. What we came up with is the new company logo that I think you'll all agree is very exciting.  Now when people hear the name ""Redskins"", they will immediately think ""titties"" and ""balls"". It's just a bold new way that we can say ""We don't fucking care."" Go Redskins!"
Kyle,"It's so awesome, dude. Our company already has a hundred backers. And we still have 14 days to go!"
Stan,Yeah...
Kyle,"You okay, bro?"
Stan,"I just... never saw myself owning a company called ""Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly on the Table, INC."""
Kyle,"Give it time, it'll grow on you."
Stan,"Why don't we just call it ""Untitled Startup Company""?"
Kyle,"Because that sounds like we don't have anything, We've been through this already, Stan!"
Stan,"Yeah, I know that. But a good company should never have seven words in its title."
Kyle,Well whattaya mean?
Stan,"I just feel that somewhere out there, there's a perfect startup company name. And I need to be free to go find it."
Kyle,"Oh. Well, I certainly don't want you to feel that ""Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly on the Table"" is holding you back."
Stan,"Good luck with your company, dude."
Kyle,Yeah. Good luck with yours.
Employee,"It's just... incredible, Harry. Everyone is using Kickstarter for everything!"
Harry,"And for every project funded, we get 5%."
Employee,"It's like, we don't even have to do anything and we just make money."
Harry,"Sitting on our asses, here we come."
Dan Snyder,"Caw-CAW, Caw-CAW.  HooHOO, hoohooHOO."
Employee 2,Huh?
Cartman,"Goooood morning, guys!"
Butters,Happy Deadline Day!
Cartman,"We made it, guys. We cab finally stop doing stuff and see just how much our company made in 4, 3, 2, 1 that's the deadline!"
Butters,"Oh boy, this is like Christmas morning!"
Cartman,"What the hell? Can't find the server?  Kickstarter.com!  Kickstarter. Where is Kickstarter?! Get it up on the phone, Butters. Come on, I wanna know how much our company is worth!"
Butters,It's not coming up on my phone either. I... Holy Mother Mary!
Kenny,(What?!)
Butters,Somebody raided Kickstarter and they burned the building to the ground!
Cartman,What?!
Butters,Somebody killed Kickstarter!
Cartman,Who the hell would burn Kickstarter to the ground?!  Oh my God! That weird little Jewy guy! Kyle!
Kyle,"What the hell is wrong? ""Can't find the server"" Kickstarter."
Cartman,You song of a bitch!
Kyle,What?!
Cartman,You broke Kickstarter!
Kyle,"No, I just can't get it to load."
Cartman,Nobody can! It's gone! You just couldn't take it that our company was more successful than yours would ever be!
Kyle,My company was on Kickstarter too! Why would I get rid of it?!
Cartman,"Well, somebody did!"
Stan,"It doesn't matter, you guys. There's something a lot more important here.  Do you guys remember when we first decided to start a company together? We all had a common goal. And we weren't gonna let anything stop us from getting to the bro down. But somewhere between starting up and selling out we... we lost our way. We can't do this on our own. We need each other."
Kyle,He's right. We should do a merger.
Cartman,"A merger?! It's too late for that, you guys! Kickstarter is gone! We don't have a company! We don't have anything!"
Kyle,"Yes we do! We have a sweet name.  I was wrong, Cartman. ""Washington Redskins"" is the perfect name. I think maybe I was jealous that I didn't come up with it."
Cartman,It is really sweet.
Stan,"And we always said that all we needed was a sweet name and the rest would figure itself out,"
Butters,"Yeah, we can do it, fellas! It'll be like old times!"
Kyle,"Whattaya say, Cartman?"
Cartman,"Fuck you! Fuck you, everyone. Yes, fuck you all, thanks!  How do you stay relevant in a volatile marketplace? As you know, our goal at Washington Redskins is to not do anything, and make money not doing it."
Kyle,"When Kickstarter went down, many saw their startup projects die, but here at Washington Redskins, we saw opportunity. People still need a way to raise money for their stupid startup projects, and with the Redskins you can now go fund yourself.  And the idea is simple. You, the people, go out and raise all your own money, and give the Washington Redskins 5%."
Cartman,"You will literally be giving us money for doing absolutely nothing. It is the biggest ""fuck you"" we have ever come up with. But we didn't stop there, because a new company direction also means, of course, a new and improved logo."
Cartman and Kyle,Go Redskins!
Announcer,"A beautiful night in Arlington, Texas as the Dallas Cowboys get set to take on the Washington Redskins. That is, of course, Washington Redskins the football team, not Washington Redskins, the audacious crowd-funding company."
Commentator,"Yeah, and if you ask me, the Redskins are a scam."
Announcer,"You're talking about the crowd-funding company- Redskins, right?"
Commentator,That's right. An-and now you've got terrorist groups like ISIS using the Redskins to raise their money. I-I don't like what the Redskins are doing.
Announcer,Those Redskins
Commentator,"Yeah, whatever."
Dan Snyder,"No. No, we cannot give up! We have been through too much together. We have fought Eagle, and Bear! The Eagles only beat us by three points."
Dan Snyder,Don't let them break you! Don't let them win!
Announcer,"And the Cowboys are still set to kick off, but there doesn't seem to be anyone to kick off to."
Commentator,"Yeah, and Jerry Jones must be happy this means a forfeit, another win for the Cowboys."
Announcer,"Wait a minute, it appears a lone Redskin is making his way out of the locker room.  The Cowboys kick it off."
Dan Snyder,Hut! Hut Hut Hut!  Hut hut hut. Hut Hut Hut Hut!  Hut. Hut hut hut. Hut Hut!
Crowd,Oh!
Fan wearing #3,Just stay down! For the love of God!
Dan Snyder,Hut hut. Hut!
Fan wearing #74,Stop! Make it stop!
Fan wearing #82,Just stay down!
Another fan,Please!
Fan wearing a blue star,Just make him stay down!
Other fans,Go Redskins! Go Redskins!
Stan,"Boy, this is the life, huh guys?"
Butters,We finally did it!
Cartman,I just might sit here until my ass fuses into the couch.
Kyle,What the heck is that?
Cartman,"Whoa, whoa! What?"
Protestor #1,Change your name!
Protestor #2,It doesn't belong in today's society!
Kyle,Change our name?
Stan,But you all thought our name was sweet.
Protestor #3,There's nothing sweet about a people who were decimated. A once proud nation that finally lost hope and left their leader to be massacred by Cowboys in a defiant last stand!
Kyle,When was that?
Protestor #4,Last night.
Protestor #5,"Until you change your name, we are asking all your subscribers to boycott you."
ISIS Spokesman,That's right! ISIS will no longer use your insensitive company for its fundraising!
Crowd,Yeah! Alright!
Protestor #1,"Good for you, ISIS!"
Kyle,Well what the hell do we do?
Cartman,I guess we gotta go back to school.
Kyle,Hey guys!
Stan,Morning!
Cartman,"How's it going, everybody?"
Kyle,"Sup, Jason?"
Cartman,Hey dude. Sup?
Craig,What are you guys doing here?
Cartman,What do you mean? We're just... going to school.
Jimmy,I thought you guys said you didn't need school.
Token,"Yeah, you said you had a startup company and that school was for douchebags."
Kyle,"Oh! Tha-oh, yeah, the the startup company thing didn't really work out."
Craig,But you told us all to go fuck ourselves.
Cartman,"Ogh! Noo, noo, you guys, guys, what what we said was-"
Craig,"You told us your company was gonna make $10 million, and the rest of us could go fuck ourselves."
Kyle,We were- trying to be funny.
Jimmy,"Yeah well, no one's laughing, Kyle."
Stan,Hey Wendy.
Wendy,You're... back?
Stan,"Yeah, the startup company thing didn't work out."
Wendy,"Oh wow, I'm shocked."
Stan,"So hey, I was gonna see if you still wanted to see that stupid Maze Runner movie."
Wendy,"You broke up with me, Stan! You said you had to be ""free to chase your dreams""."
Stan,"Wendy, I thought my life was going in a different direction and I just felt that I, I really had to give it everything I had, you know. I had I had to focus on one thing."
Wendy,"Is that why you told Clyde that you broke up with me? Because you're about to be  ""dripping in bitches""?!"
Stan,Huh? Why does everyone suddenly remember everything everybody says?
Wendy,"I'm happy, Stan. I'm happy I know who you really are now. You're someone who can't be counted on! You're someone who can just bail on the people you love!"
Cartman,"Dude, people are pissed off at us."
Kenny,"(Yeah, it's fucking crazy!)"
Kyle,"Doesn't anyone understand the significance of ""I'm sorry"" anymore?"
Cartman,"Yeah! Well said, Kyle! Good point! What, what happened to the significance?"
Kyle,"Well, I guess let's just be thankful we're not Butters. They won't even let him come back to school."
Pricipal Victoria,"All right everyone, thanks for coming. As you know, we urgently need to discuss the matter of Butters Stotch, who set fire to the school gymnasium and is now asking to come back. Are we all set to start?"
Woman,Almost. We're just waiting on Mr. Mackey. Again.
Mr. Adler,"Awww, do we need Mackey here?"
Mr. Garrison,"Yeah, all he's gonna talk about is how he's gluten-free now and feels sooo fuckin' amazing."
Principal Victoria,"Well, you have to admit he does look a little better."
Mr. Adler,He doesn't look any different to me.
Principal Victoria,"In the cheeks, you don't think he looks a little fuller?"
Mr. Garrison,It's just the new diet fad!
Mr. Mackey,"Sorry I'm late. I had to stop and get my own breakfast because I figured y'all would be having doughnuts, but I'm actually gluten-free, so I can't have doughnuts, m'kay?"
Principal Victoria,"Yes, Mr. Mackey, we're all aware that you're gluten-free now."
Mr. Mackey,I'm just sayin' that I personally feel sooo fuckin' amazing
Mr. Garrison,"Can we discuss the gymnasium and get out of here, please?"
Principal Victoria,"Right, so the issue, as you all know, is that Butters set fire to the gymnasium last week and ran away laughing and flipping everyone off."
Mr. Mackey,"That's probably gluten, m'kay?"
Coach,"Oh, God!"
Mr. Mackey,"Gluten causes sluggishness, irritability, and nearly all behavioral problems,"
Mr. Garrison,I seriously cannot take hearing about gluten anymore.
Mr. Mackey,"See, that's probably the gluten talkin', uhkay? If you cut out gluten, you don't ever get pissed off."
Principal Victoria,Really? Mwell I might just give this gluten-free thing a try. How does it work?
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, no, don't try- oh God, here we go."
Kyle,I don't know what we're going to do? It's been like four hours and people still won't talk to us.
Kenny,(Right. What the fuck is going on?)
Cartman,"You know what we gotta do, guys?  We've gotta throw a big fuckin' party"
Kenny,(A party?!)
Cartman,Yeah! How do you make everyone like you? You have a big party and invite everyone and then everyone thinks you're cool!
Kyle,"Dude, that would have to be like, the best party ever."
Cartman,"Well I'm down. Between the four of us we can throw the sweetest party ever, and these assholes won't even remember us being dicks to them."
Kyle,"Hey, that might work. But it can't be a party for us."
Cartman,"Right, it's gotta be an awesome party for..."
Stan,For someone that we love who needs us and that we refuse to bail on!
Cartman,What?
Kyle,"No no, he's right! We've gotta make it for someone in need so that people have to go."
Cartman,We lure people in with a cause and then hit 'em over the head with the best party ever. We're gonna have pizza and cake and a sweet band!
Kyle,"A band! Holy shit, Stan! Didn't you say your dad knows somebody who knows Lorde?"
Stan,"Yeah, he said some guy at work is Lorde's uncle or something."
Cartman,"Oh my God, we've got Lorde to play live."
Kenny,(This will be awesome!)
Cartman,So who do we throw the party for?
Stan,"What do you mean? We have a friend who needs us right now, and we can't let him down."
DJ,"All right, that was ""Get This Party Started"" and joining me in the studio now are four local boys who are gearing up to throw the most epic party ever. Is that right, boys?"
Kyle,"Yeah, it's going to be this weekend."
Cartman,"You know, we just wanted to give back to the community and show everyone a good time."
DJ,"Now, this party is also for a good cause, because it's to honor a little boy with diabetes, Scott Malkinson. Is that correct?"
Cartman,"You, you know diabetes affects us all, but it mostly affects Scott Malkinson."
Stan,"Yeah, and we just- you know, we, we just can't turn our back on him."
DJ,"Must be pretty special having a big party in your honor, Scott. How does it feel?"
Scott,I actually have plans this weekend.
Cartman,"""I actually have plans this weekend. I'm Scott Malkinson. I've got diabetes."""
DJ,"All right, well, we've got lots of people callin' in. Caller, what's your question?"
Craig,Are you guys making this up?
Kyle,"Nope! We're gonna have all the pizza you can eat, twenty different cakes, and Lorde is going to play live!"
Craig,All the pizza we can eat?
Cartman,"Believe it, dude."
Craig,"All right, this better be good."
DJ,"All right, it's sure to be a blast. Phone lines are going craaazy!"
Stan,Sweet!
DJ,"Next caller, what's your question?"
Principal Victoria,"Yes, will there be gluten-free options for people at this party?"
Stan,Excuse me?
Principal Victoria,"Well I've been gluten-free for about a day now, and I have to say I feel sooo amazing. I just want to make sure there's food for all of us."
DJ,"Mark in Fairplay, you had a comment?"
Mark,"Yeah, I agree with the last caller. I was in a restaurant and ordered the gluten-free quinoa salad, and a guy right next to me was eating a sandwich. It's like ""Get your second-hand gluten away from me!"""
DJ,"All right, all right, next caller, you got a question for the boys?"
Mr. Garrison,"Yeah, I swear, if I hear another person talking about being gluten-free I'm gonna piss in their face."
Cartman,What the hell is gluten?
John Garner,"Hello everyone, my name is John Garner and I'm a nutrition advisor from the USDA. I want to clarify the USDA's position on a healthy diet. There's been a lot of confusion about gluten lately. People saying that gluten is the cause of cancer, gluten should be avoided, gluten can make your dick fly off, but let's set the record straight."
Randy,Make your dick fly off?
John Garner,"People believe that omitting gluten will make you healthier, but of course, that's a bunch of hooey. Hooey is the preservative found in processed foods, that we now believe is the main culprit of obesity. You might say ""Well there's fat in butter too,"" but that's just poppycock. Poppycock first came from India and is the key ingredient in red meat which we now realize is good for you along with hooey. The good hooey, not the bad hooey. So what is gluten?"
Mr. Garrison,"Yes, thank you!"
John Garner,"Simply put, gluten is the protein found in flour when you take all the starch away. . Flour is of course, just wheat, and when you add a liquid to flour, you get dough.  Dough that makes breads, doughnuts, pasta, and all the hooey-free foods that humans enjoy.  Now, if we wash the dough of all its starch, we can actually distil the wheat down, minus the water, minus the starch, and what we're left with is pure gluten. Not a bio-weapon, just harmless flour protein."
Mr. Mackey,Then eat it!
John Garner,Excuse me?
Mr. Mackey,"If it's not dangerous, then eat that pure concentrated gluten, okay?"
John Garner,"Yeah. Alright.  Dup, dup."
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, you see that? His dick's flyin' off."
Stephen,Oh my God! These people don't even know!  Hurry! You gotta go!
Mr. Garrison,Oh Jesus! Hey! It isn't safe in there!  Get out of there!
Stephen,Get out! You're not safe!
Mr. Garrison,You gotta get out!
Stephen,Hurry! You gotta go!
Randy,What about the Powerbars? The Powerbars?
Sharon,Yes!
Randy,Hamburger Helper?
Sharon,That's all gluten!
Randy,"There's hot dog buns in that cupboard, Sharon!"
Sharon,"Hey, dad, I need to talk to you about this party we're having."
Randy,"Oh my God, the WHEAT THINS!"
Sharon,"It's in the Triscuits too, Randy!"
Stan,"Wait, wait, ah I might need those."
Randy,"This stuff will make your dick fly off, Stan!"
Sharon,Don't forget the freezer!
Randy,Oh God!  Chicken nuggets - breaded! Frozen burritos - flour! Ice cream! What about ice cream?!
Sharon,I don't know! Look at the ingredients!
Randy,"Heavy cream, sugar, chocolate syrup - no, ice cream's good for you!"
Sharon,"All right, that's all of it!"
Randy,"You sure? All r- all right, you got those?!"
Sharon,"I can get both of these, yeah!"
Randy,"All right, come on!"
Kyle,Hey Cartman.
Cartman,KYLE! IT'S ALL GONE! THEY'VE TAKEN IT ALL! WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS?! KYLE! KYLE!
Kyle,"Dude, calm down."
Cartman,"THERE'S NO SNACKS LEFT, KYLE! THEY TOOK ALL THE SNACKS AND THE PIZZA AND THE CAKE AND WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE A PARTY!"
Kyle,Who took all the pizza and the cake?  What the hell?
Cartman,KYYYLE!
Mr. Garrison,"Yeah! Get it! Get it all! Yeah, that's it! Burn, you bastard!"
Farmer,What are you doing to my farm?!?
Randy,You son of a bitch! Did you not know or did you just not care?! Keeyah!
Tom Vilsack,There's panic all over the country and you're telling me you don't have any kind of containment on this thing?!
Researcher,"We're working as fast as we can, sir."
Tom Vilsack,Are you sure it's gluten that started the reaction?
Researcher,We gave these rats an injection of concentrated whole wheat bread just a short time ago. You can see it already having a negative effect.
Tom Vilsack,We told people that whole wheat bread was healthy! Isn't wheat the ingredient in pasta that makes it healthy?
Researcher,No. We believe now that that's poppycock.
Tom Vilsack,"All right, listen up! We have the obligation to make this thing right and to tell people what is and isn't safe to eat. We are the USDA! Without us, people would be eating dirt and... chairs. Whatever it takes, stop this crisis!"
Kyle,"Cartman? Come on, dude. You have to get up."
Cartman,What's the point? Everyone hates us at school and our party's gonna suck.
Stan,We can't let our party suck.
Cartman,What kind of epic party can you have without pizza and cake? Now all we've got is Lorde.
Kyle,"That's right, we've still got Lorde. You talked to your dad, right Stan?"
Stan,I'll be back.
Cartman,You know what I'mm gonna miss most? Pancakes. I keep having dreams of Aunt Jemima. She's trying to tell me something. But then she just fades away.
Kyle,"Cartman, we can't do this alone. You have to get up."
Cartman,"There's nothing left, you guys! The world is upside down. Things aren't gonna get better, they're gonna get worse."
Randy,Yes?
Worker 1,"Hello, sir. We've had word of a possible gluten exposure in your home. May we come in?"
Randy,Gluten expohn... oh not here!
Worker 2,Can we come in please?
Randy,Wuh sure!
Sharon,What's going on?
Randy,Well that's just a beer.
Worker 1,Oh Jesus.
Shelly,"BEER IS ALL WHEAT, DAD!!"
Randy,"Shuut up,  beer is bad for you?!"
Worker 2,"We're gonna need you to come with us, sir. Don't touch me."
Randy,"Look, I'm OK! Yuh, you wanna see my dick?"
Worker 1,We just need you to be in quarantine for a while until everyone figures out what's going on.
Randy,No! Not Papa John's.  I don't wanna go to Papa John's!  YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO TO PAPA JOOOHN'S!!
Randy,How long do I have to stay here?!
Soldier,"Until the USDA gets control of the situation, sir."
Randy,What am I supposed to eat?
Soldier,"It's okay, there's lots of toppings. Just eat the toppings."
A Quarantine,How'd you get exposed?  Bagels? Gravy?
Randy,Beer. I didn't know it had gluten.
Mr. Garrison,"There's always somethin'. For me it was the soy sauce.  Sneaky, sneaky soy sauce."
Jeff,"We're trying to get a handle on just how much gluten there is out there, but... It seems impossible to contain."
Tom Vilsack,And we have no idea how to tell people to protect themselves?
Researcher,"We've been running simulations, but they're problematic because they don't relate to our current schematics. Here, look. This is what we've been recommending for the past three years.  Five basic food groups, not four. We were wrong about that. We now realize, of course, that the largest of these groups we've been recommending is basically poison . Sir, to combat the gluten, we're trying every possible combination of the four remaining food groups, but so far, no answers."
Agent,"Sir, the feds are here."
Tom Vilsack,Oh shit!
FDA Agent 1,Tom Vilsack?
Tom Vilsack,Yes?
Michael Taylor,"Michael Taylor, FDA."
Tom Vilsack,"Yeah, thank you, but this is a USDA problem."
Michael Taylor,Anything involving meat and dairy is our problem too!
Stan,Dad? Dad!
Randy,Stan! ...Hey! ...How's my boy? Daddy's gonna be all right. Okay?
Stan,"Yeah. Dad, you know that guy at work you said is Lorde's uncle or something?"
Randy,"I can't touch you or hug you, but... but I'm right with you. Do you understand?"
Stan,"Yeah. You remember you said that Lorde, the singer, her uncle worked with you?"
Randy,"How's your mom? Your, your sister?"
Soldier 2,"This is a quarantined area, kid. You're you're gonna have to go."
Stan,"Nonono, not yet. DAD!"
Randy,"That's my son, you bastard!"
Soldier 2,"I'm sorry, all right?"
Stan,"Dad, who's the guy at work that knows Lorde? Let me go! DAD!"
Randy,Staaan!
Stan,Let me talk to my dad!
Randy,Staaaaaaan!
Craig,You call this a party?! Your party sucks!
Token,"Come on guys, let's go!"
Jimmy,No food at a party? And I thought I was handicapped!
Aunt Jemima,"Hello, Eric.  Come on over here, sugar."
Cartman,Aunt Jemima.
Aunt Jemima,"There's people in trouble, Eric. They need to be shown the way."
Cartman,"I don't know the way, Aunt Jemima."
Aunt Jemima,"You need to get to the USDA, child. They're lookin' for a sign."
Cartman,I don't even know what that means.
Aunt Jemima,"When you're stuck, look to the pyramids."
Cartman,Are you going to eat those pancakes?
Aunt Jemima,"They've got it wrong, child!  The world is upside down."
Cartman,"Oooo, trippy..."
Aunt Jemima,Tell then they've got's it backwards!
Cartman,They've got what backward?
Cartman,"Noooo...  Oh Ohhh, oh. Hoooh. Fuck I want pancakes."
Randy,You can't just keep us in here!
Mr. Garrison,We're out.  We're all out of toppings! There's nothing left to eat.
Blond,They're just gonna let us starve to death?
Randy,They don't care about us. face it! We're already dead to them.
Blond,"Well then, I guess I might as well eat!"
Mr. Garrison,"There's nothing left, I told you."
Blond,There's plenty of pizza dough.
Randy,Are you crazy?
Blond,I'm crazy hungry!  Oh... Oh... Fuck it's so good.  I want more! ...it's been so long!
Randy,"Oh my God, you...  but... you're okay."
Blond,"You don't think it's a little ridiculous that wheat protein is toxic? This whole thing was a setup, man!"
Mr. Garrison,A setup? But by who?
Randy,"Oh my God, we... we have to get a hold of someone who and get the word out."
Blond,"Maybe Papa John can help us. If we can get a hold of them, then maybe we can-"
Randy,Ng-oh.
Stan,"There's a health crisis going on, and it's spreading faster than anyone realizes. For a long time we ignored it. Thought it would only affect the poor. People who ate Eggo waffles and Pizza Pockets. But gluten can attack anyone. This is not a time to party. This is a time to get serious. We're calling on everyone to spend this weekend learning about gluten and how to protect yourself and your family. Because we don't know how much time we have."
DJ,"Well all right, time for action indeed. Let's go to the phone lines. Go ahead, caller."
Craig,I knew you guys were going to bail on the party.
Kyle,"We're not bailing on the party, we're just think there's... more important things right now!"
Craig,"Uh huh, you guys couldn't get Lorde to play, could you?"
DJ,"All right, let's go to Jamie in Como. Go ahead."
Jamie,It's like ya... ya say you're gonna throw the most epic party of the decade and then you rip it away! It's kind of like.... telling everyone to go fuck themselves!
DJ,"Oh Kansas, watch the language there. Next caller, you're on the air."
Wendy,"Why are you doing this party, Stan? Was it because you made people mad at school or... because you just wanted to be a big shot?"
Stan,"I... we... we wanted to bring people together and help Scott Malkinson, but-"
Wendy,So then at a time when people really need to come together you cancel on 'em? I'm pretty sure Scott Malkinson still has diabetes.
Scott,"That is correct, yes, I do."
Wendy,"You couldn't put on the party you were hoping to put on, was that it?"
Kyle,"Jesus Christ, dude."
Stan,"Wendy, there IS a health crisis right now..."
Wendy,"Right, and when things change or things come up, you don't forget about everything you promised people!"
Stan,"We had no idea what to serve people to eat, okay?! We're gonna look stupid!"
Wendy,Thought so.
DJ,"Ohhhhhh well all right, next caller is Eric. Are you there, Eric?"
Cartman,KYYYLE!
Kyle,Cartman?
Cartman,"KYYYLE, WHAT DOES USDA STAND FOR?! AUNT JEMINA SAID USDA HAS TO LOOK AT THE PYRAMIDS!"
Tom Vilsack,It's dinner time on the East coast in less than an hour. People are going to die!
Jeff White,Sir! They've got a boy on the hot line who says he might know something.
Tom Vilsack,Who is this?
Cartman,My name isn't important. What matters is that... the answer is in the pyramid.
Tom Vilsack,The pyramid? That's ancient stuff you're talking about. Are you sure?  Bring up the pyramid!
Cartman,"What, what is it? What is it for?"
Tom Vilsack,We built the pyramid a long time ago to illustrate how much people should eat of the four basic food groups.
Programmer,"Sir, we abandoned the pyramid when Michelle Obama got involved."
Tom Vilsack,The pyramid down't work. We already tried it.
Cartman,It's upside down.
Tom Vilsack,What?
Cartman,"Sir, the pyramid is upside down."
Tom Vilsack,Turn the pyramid upside down.
Programmer 2,You can't be serious. That would put butter and fat at the top of the-
Tom Vilsack,Flip the damned food pyramid!
Michael Taylor,This is NOT FDA-approved!
Tom Vilsack,It's dinnertime on the east coast in ten minutes! Now DO IT!
Programmer 3,"Sir, we've got a match."
Programmer 4,Nutrition is stabilizing!
Programmer 5,"We've got a well-balanced vaccine, sir!"
Tom Vilsack,Get the President on the phone. Tell him... to have some steak with his butter.
Craig,"Well, I gotta admit, you guys throw a pretty sweet party."
Kyle,"Hey, we'd do anything for our bros, man."
Scott,Would you guys care for a frozen butter pop?
Kyle,"We're good, Scott. Stop bugging us."
Tom Vilsack,"We really dodged a bullet, young man. Thanks to you, America knows what to eat again."
Cartman,"Yeah well, I'm glad people aren't mad at you anymore. I know what that feels like."
Tom Vilsack,We're gonna get a better view of the stage.
Cartman,"Yeah yeah, enjoy the party."
Jeff White,Wait till my girls see that I was at a party with Lorde!
Clyde,I'm glad the food is good. Lorde sucks.
Jimmy,"Yeah, she isn't as hot in person."
Randy,"Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. I am Lorde, yeah yeah yeah. Lorde, Lorde. Call me Lorde yeah yeah yeah. Yeah yeah yeah."
Stan,"Hey Wendy, you havin' fun?"
Wendy,"Yeah, sure. You guys really pulled it off."
Stan,"Yeah, well, I just couldn't sit around while my dad was locked away. I love him and he needed me."
Wendy,"You're so transparent, Stan."
Stan,What does that mean?
Wendy,You wanna dance?
Randy,"We love the city, yeah yeah yeah, 'cause I am Lorde. I am Lorde. Lorde Lorde Lorde Lorde yeah yeah yeah."
Cartman,"Another morning. Waiting for the run-down school bus to take me to the run-down school. But today is the day I finally have the guts to do what I should've done a long time ago.  Nobody notices what I have in my front pocket. A little surprise for them all.  I'm prepared for this, but still I wonder.. Will I have the guts to go through with it? Damn right I will!"
Kyle,"Are you okay, Cartman?"
Cartman,"Yeah I'm good. How are you, Kyle?  They're all gonna pay! Every day they pushed me and pushed, and if it happens again today, it's going to be the last time.  We'll find out today at recess, won't we? Oh yes, we'll find out today at recess."
Butters,Hey Eric! I'm not suspended no more.
Cartman,Good for you.
Butters,I think someone's in there.
Cartman,No! God damn it no!  Who's takin' a shit?!
Craig,Occupied.
Cartman,"I called dibs on Stall 1 for all recess, Craig!"
Craig,You can't call dibs on a toilet.
Cartman,Son of a bitch!  Oh no! NO NO NO! I cannot go another lunch break without my toilet time!
Kyle,"Then don't eat 14 Egg waffles for lunch, fatass!"
Cartman,"Alright, that does it!  I'm sick of this shit and I'm not gonna be  taking it any longer!  You all pushed me to this!"
Wendy,What the hell do you think you're doing?
Cartman,I'm going to the potty.
Wendy,This is the girls bathroom!
Cartman,"Alright, I need to tell you something, Wendy. I'm transginger."
Wendy,WHAT?!
Cartman,"Did you notice the bow?  I'm not comfortable with the sex I was assigned at birth, so I'm exercising my right to identify with the gender of my choice. Now get out of my way. I have to take a shit.  Aaahhh!"
Wendy,GET OUT OF HERE!
Cartman,"Don't give me any more issues than I already have, Wendy!  Oh wow, this is nice in here. The girls bathroom is a lot cleaner than the boys."
Red,What the hell is that?!
Wendy,Cartman is using our bathroom!
Cartman,"Dude, this is awesome. I should've used the girls bathroom a long time ago."
Red,Hey! I'm gonna tell on you!
Cartman,"It's okay, Red. I can take a shit here. I'm a dumb chick too."
Principal Victoria,I want to know just what makes you think it's okay to go inside the girls bathroom!
Cartman,Because I'm transginger. I looked it up: that means I can use the girls shitter.
Principal Victoria,"You are not transgender, Eric! You don't even know what that means!"
Cartman,"Yeah uh huh, it means I live a life of torture and confusion because society sees me as a boy but I'm really a girl."
Principal Victoria,"All right, well if you identify yourself as a girl, you must find yourself attracted to boys. Is that right?!"
Cartman,That's actually not true. I can be transginger without it having anything to do with the ginger I'm attracted to. Check the state bylaws.
Principal Victoria,"Alright, listen Eric!"
Cartman,Erica.
Principal Victoria,Listen Eric! You must know why we can't have you in the girls bathroom!
Cartman,"All I know is I'm transginger, and you can't make me go to the bathroom with the cisgingers."
Principal Victoria,With the what?!
Mr. Garrison,"Cisgender. It's the politically correct name for people who aren't transgender. If you identify with the sex you were born with, then you're cis."
Mr. Mackey,But then cisgender-ed is just normal
Mr. Garrison,"Saying ""normal"" is extremely offensive to people who aren't in that group.  Trust me, you don't want this hot potato! Just let him use the girls room!"
Principal Victoria,But this isn't a hurting confused child we're talking about. It's Eric Cartman.
Mr. Garrison,Nobody else is gonna know that. You better just give him what he wants.
Principal Victoria,Sooo Eric Cartman just has us in some kind of bathroom checkmate?
Mr. Garrison,"Actually,  it's more like a royal flush."
Reporter,Gerald Broflovski?
Gerald,Yes?
Brandon Carlile,"Brandon Carlile, reporter, Spin Magazine. I was hoping you could help me... make sense of somethin'. I understand you had a very large party in your back yard last... last Sunday, was it?"
Gerald,That's right.  My son and his friends throw a party for a kid with diabetes.
Brandon Carlile,"I also understand that a very famous pop artist, Lorde, was the entertainment at that party."
Gerald,"Oh yeah, yeah, the kids were pretty excited."
Brandon Carlile,"Well it, eh, it's just a little curious, you know? Why a hugely popular Top-20 artist would play such a... well no offence, but such a humble venue?"
Gerald,"...Sorry, I don't think I get your-"
Brandon Carlile,"You understand, we deal with a lot of fake stories at Spin.  Was just wondering how the boys got someone like Lorde to play."
Gerald,"From what I understand, she's the niece of someone's coworker here in town or something."
Brandon Carlile,You wouldn't know who?
Gerald,No. Does it really matter?
Brandon Carlile,Lorde is an incredibly talented and down-to-earth young lady. It would be a shame if someone was... having fun at her expense.
Sharon,Randy? Whose are these?
Randy,Aaah I don't know. Why?
Sharon,Why? Because there's fishnet stockings inside your jeans?
Randy,In my jeans?
Sharon,Randy? Do you have something to tell me?
Randy,...Yeah. I do.
Red,Come on! You've been in there for twenty minutes!
Sia,Yeah! Recess is almost over!
Cartman,"There's two more stall in here, gals. Go ahead."
Sia,Not while you're in here!
Cartman,"Oh my God, you guys are so cisginger. Sorry I'm different, but you can just suck my clit AND my balls."
Wendy,"Eric, there are people actually struggling with their gender identity and all you're doing is-"
Cartman,"Okay, okay, okay you guys! You know what? You know what?  That's what.  Suck my clit and balls."
Principal Victoria,"Erica, I believe we have a solution to this little problem."
Cartman,"I don't have a problem, Principal Victoria, the cisgenders have the problem."
Principal Victoria,"If it is agreeable to you, Erica, we are going to clear out the janitor's closet and remodel it into a private bathroom just for you!"
Cartman,"Excuse me, are you talking about... my own special executive bathroom?"
Principal Victoria,Would that be agreeable to you?
Cartman,OH MY GOD!
Wendy,That isn't fair!
Red,"Wendy, just go with it!"
Cartman,"Yeah, just go with it, Wendy, cisginger bitch! Of course, being forced into my own isolated will probably be somewhat traumatic for me. I might have to approve certain aspects of this... solitary location."
Cartman,"Yeah sooo I'm thinking of water feature here, you know. get the sound of running water, yeah kind of Zen it out."
Designer,"Uh huh, well why don't you put the water feature on this side?"
Cartman,Oh on that side?
Designer,"You know, because you've already got AC over here and that leaves this open for some nice big piece of art on this wall."
Cartman,"Oh I like that. That's gonna look nice, yeah."
Randy,"Yeah, listen. I don't know if I can keep doing this. My wife is starting to suspect something. I just had to tell her I like the way fishnets feel."
Record Executive,"I know your wife means a lot to you, Randy,  but you can't leave us hanging. You've got the purest shit out there; it's worth a lot to us."
Randy,You think you're gonna get a good product when I can't even think?!
Record Executive,"How many times have you said ""I think I've lost it"" and everything turned out to be okay?"
Randy,Every time?
Record Executive,"Every time. Come on. Get back to work and see. If you get panicked again, call me."
Randy,Yeah. Yeah I will. Yup.
Ron,You wanted to see me?
Record Executive,"Sit down, Ron.  Whattaya know about one of our artists, Lorde?"
Ron,"Seventeen-year-old girl from New Zealand, great songwriter,  humble."
Record Executive,Wrong.  She's a 45-year-old man in Colorado.
Ron,What?
Record Executive,"He writes the songs, sends us the demos, we fudge them, sell them as a brooding 17-year-old girl way ahead of her time, and nobody knows the difference."
Ron,Huh.  Holy shit.
Record Executive,"He makes good stuff. Stuff that sells. But he's getting edgy feet. I want you to keep an eye on him. And if anyone around him seems like they're close to finding out the truth, well... you know what to do."
Randy,Lorde Lorde Lorde. Lorde Lorde Lorde I am Lorde. I am L- I am Lorde. I am Lorde. Lorde Lorde Lorde.
Sharon,Randy?
Randy,"I, I, thought you were at the grocery store."
Sharon,I was. Can you help me unload the car?
Randy,"Help me unload the c-car. Help me unload, load the car. Yah yah yah. Unloadin'. Unload yah yah yah."
Sharon,Randy?
Randy,"Sorry. Sorry, yeah. Coming."
Stan,What is that?
Butters,That's Cartman's new transgender bathroom.
Stan,Cartman's a girl now?
Butters,"He's not a woman, he's not a man, he is something that you'll never understand. But he would die for me."
Cartman,"It it done?! It is all ready?! Alright alright, move aside everybody, move aside please. I gotta go.  Oh! Ahm. This is gonna be so awesome.  Aha! Lock! Privacy. Oh, this is gonna feel so good!  Perfect.  Yeah, you're gonna take it. You're all alone now, toilet. Nobody can hear you scream. Yeah, you're gonna open wide.  You're gonna TAKE your punishment! That's right! Get ready!  Oh my God, this is so awesome you guys! It's just like at home!"
Brandon Carlile,Peter Nelson?
Nelson,Yes?
Brandon Carlile,"Brandon Carlile, reporter, Spin Magazine. I understand you work at the U.S. Geological Survey?"
Nelson,"Yeah, that's right."
Brandon Carlile,"I also understand that you're the uncle of the amazing and talented songwriter, Lorde?"
Nelson,"Alright, look, I am not her uncle. I I just work with her, okay?"
Brandon Carlile,Work with her? How?
Nelson,I like Lorde. Uh she's really nice and really talented. But she lives a double life.
Brandon Carlile,How's that?
Nelson,"Lorde isn't just a singer, she's also a very talented scientist who specializes in fluvial geomorphology."
Brandon Carlile,The what?
Nelson,"She just showed up one day at the office and started filling in for a guy who started working part time. She's a good geologist. When her music career took off we thought she'd be gone, but she still shows up. Usually right after lunch."
Clyde,Hey Cartman. Heard you're transgender.
Cartman,"Yup! You know what Hillary says: ""You can suck my clit and balls."""
Red,"Well I know I'm not even gonna get it done. I swear, he gives us too much homework anyway. I-"
Wendy,Hey guys.
Red,...Wendy?
Wendy,How's it hanging'?
Craig,Whoa..
Jenny,Huh?
Jason,"Whoa, wait, is that?"
Butters,Holy moly!
Cartman,"Hey, what the fuck, dude?! Do you mind? This is occupied!"
Wendy,It's cool. I'll wait.
Cartman,"Dude, this is my fuckin' bathroom!"
Cartman,"I want her suspended, and I want charges brought up for sexual harassment!"
Principal Victoria,"I'm sorry Erica, but I spoke with Wendyl this morning and she's not comfortable-"
Cartman,"Wendyl?! Fucking Wendyl?! Grow up, Wendy!"
Principal Victoria,"You'll just have to share, Eric. Why can't you understand that?"
Cartman,Because I don't want a chick watching me go poo!
Principal Victoria,I thought you were a chick.
Cartman,"No! I identify as a chick, but I'm still a boy. You can't make me share a bathroom with a girl that identifies herself as a fucking dude!  That is MY waterfall, and those are MY Christmas lights!"
Cartman,Dude! You need to put a tighter leash on your dog!
Stan,What?
Cartman,"Do you know your girlfriend's going around tellin' everyone that you're gay?!  Oh yeah! She's got the whole school believin' that she's attracted to girls, but she's dating you! So what does that make you, Stan?! A girl! Stan-an's a gir-rl! You'd better curb your dog, Stan! You'd better curb your dog before people start ripping on you!"
Randy,"Shelly, that's enough time on your phone."
Shelly,"Leave me alone, Dad! Stop nagging me all the time!"
Randy,You know we're all cutting down on phone time.
Shelly,Don't limit me! You don't even understand me!
Randy,Yeah. I don't understand you at all. A lot you know.
Stan,Uh hey Dad. I need to talk to you.
Randy,Oh really? About... about what?
Stan,"Dad, is it possible for someone to be one way on the outside but totally different on the inside?  I mean, can someone identify as one sex but be something else but still have it be nothing about sex?"
Randy,"Yes. Yes, Stan. I am Lorde."
Stan,...What?
Randy,"It started off so simple. There's a guy at work. Hanson. He would use the bathroom and just blow the thing up, you know? Not only that, but he was in there all the time! I finally got fed up and pretended to be a woman. I called myself Lorde. Have you ever been in a woman's bathroom, Stan? It's all clean and there's enough stalls for everyone. It was so freeing. I started singing while I was in there, and then I- started writing things down."
Stan,Well you said you knew a guy at work who was Lorde's uncle.
Randy,"Yah, that's my cover."
Stan,"The chick that wrote the theme song to the new Hunger Games, is you?"
Randy,"Yeah.  The record company messed it all up. It was supposed to go ""Hunger Games, yah yah yah, yah yah yah! Hunger Games."" But they just- do what they want with my songs."
Stan,"Wha-wait, Lorde sounds like a girl."
Randy,"Autotune. Wanna see how I do it?  I come up with all my best stuff in the bathroom at work. I use this program to import the recordings I make on my phone.  ""Yeah yeah, feeling good on a Wednesday. Sparklinnnnn' thoughts. Givin' me the hope to go ohhhn""  ""Oh! Whoa. What I need now is a little bit of shelter."""
Stan,"Dad, Lorde's music is actually really good."
Randy,"Thanks. But it gets even better when I add the drum loops.  Then with the computer I can actually quantize everything.  Backup instruments.  And then finally I use the Autotune.  ""Sparklin' thoughts, feelin' good on a Wednesday. Givin' me the hope, givin' givin' me the hope to go ohhhn. What I need is a little bit of shelter.""  Stan?"
Butters,"Hey! Everything okay, Stan?"
Stan,...I don't know where I belong...
Butters,Just hold it. That's what I do now.
Cartman,"Hey, what the fuck dude?! God fucking damn it!"
Cartman,Why don't we just have everyone use the transgender bathroom?!
Principal Victoria,"Stanley, do you have a reason for not using the boys bathroom?"
Stan,"I, I just... Two people close to me are having gender identity issues and I'm, I'm confused."
Cartman,He's cisginger! He's so cis he wears a jockstrap to bed at night!
Randy,"You wanted to see me, boss?"
Boss,"Yes. Please have a seat, Lorde."
Randy,Hi Carol.
Carol,Lorde.
Boss,"Lorde, we're all big fans of your music and we think the world of you for staying and working here even after your music career took off."
Randy,"Well, my music and fluvial geomorphology are intertwined."
Boss,"Amazing, yeah. Uh... Lorde... for some time now the females at this office have been pressuring me to... uh... find your own space... to go to the bathroom.  Everyone loves you, but we thought it would be great if you had your very own executive bathroom."
Randy,"I like the women's bathroom. I feel safe there. Being able to use that bathroom is critical to my identity, to my music."
Carol,"My girls are big fans of your music, Lorde, but the women here aren't comfortable sharing a bathroom with"
Randy,With what?  With what?
Announcer,You are watching E! Entertainment News! That's how low you've sunk.
Anchor,"It's been several days and still there's no sign of the pop singer Lorde. The singer went dark on Twitter claiming severe depression, and stating  ""I realize now that I make people uncomfortable. I need to give this up and go back to just being the old me."" Spin Magazine is claiming they know the reason for the sudden exit, and will be releasing a tell-all article about the troubled artist next week."
Cartman,"Oh, here he comes, everyone! It's the cisginger! Think you can harass transgingers and use their bathroom?!"
Butters,"Yeah, what's the big idea harassing Erica, Stan?!"
Cartman,"At this school, it doesn't matter if you're trans or you're cis, right guys?!  What we have a problem with are cisgingers who are intolerant! You know what we call those? Cissies!"
Butters,Yeah! Stan's a big old fat cissy!
Clyde,"Awe, come on, lay off him guys."
Cartman,"Oh, what are you?! A cissy too, Clyde?!"
Clyde,"No, no, just he is."
Sharon,You just gonna drink beer alone all day?
Randy,"It's okay, it's gluten free."
Sharon,"All right.  Do you know why young people like Lorde so much.  It's because she's something different. Kids have had pop music artists flash tits and crotch in their face, and most kids are actually smart enough to be sick of it. Lorde represents something in all of us, the truth that wants to be heard. If I could talk to Lorde right now, you know what I'd tell her? I'd tell her not to let people change who she is. I'd tell her that if people are making fun of her, it's probably because they lost touch with being human. I'd tell her to keep on doing what she does, because when someone's not allowed to express who they are inside, then we all lose. That's... what I would say to Lorde."
Principal Victoria,"And so it is with great pride that I can announce the student body has elected to get rid of the transgender bathroom, and give any fellow student the right to use the bathroom they feel most comfortable in."
Cartman,I don't wanna use the girls bathroom if anyone can use it! It's gonna be all crowded.
Principal Victoria,Anyone who has a problem sharing a bathroom with people who might be transgender will have to use the special designated bathroom designed to keep them away from the normal people who don't care.
Butters,Hey! Where do you think you're going?!
Stan,To the bathroom?
Butters,"Oh no you don't! You've gotta use the cissy bathroom!  Well go on, cissy!"
Stan,"Wow, this is is pretty nice. Feelin' good on a Monday.Got my space, all the freedom I need.Yah yah yahBy myself, yah yah yah"
Stephen,"Well that was a lot of fun. Thanks for inviting us, guys."
Sheila,Sure. You bet.
Gerald,Are you guys parked over here?
Stephen,"Oh nonono, we took a Handicar. It was easier that way."
Gerald,A Handicar? What's that?
Linda,You don't use Handicar?
Stephen,"No, see, you just get the Handicar app. It uses GPS to locate where you are, and the Handicar comes and picks you up."
Gerald,Wow...
Stephen,"Yeah, and it's cheaper than a taxi. I'm telling you, it's the future of transportation. Oh, here it comes.  Honey, our Handicar is here."
Timmy,Timmy!
Stephen,Have fun drivin' home. I'll be relaxing on my iPad.
Gerald,Lucky.
Timmy,Timmy.
Stephen,Download the app! It works great!
Passenger,"Ahh,  Excuse me, I think someone puked back here."
Russian,You don't like puke?
Passenger,"Could you turn the radio down and the air conditioning up, please?"
Russian,No air conditioning. Too expensive.
Passenger,Agh!
Russian,Not enough people taking cab. Don't know what's wrong!
Timmy,Timmih!
Russian,What the fuck?
Mr. Stevenson,"We've got a big sales event going on, folks.  Hey guys. Can I get you in a 2014 Hummer? Rocktober sales event, guys."
Younger Man,No thanks.
Mr. Stevenson,"Only a few more guitar licks left in Rocktober, guys."
Older Man,We're good. Shut up!
Younger Man,"Oh, here's our Handicar."
Timmy,Timmy.
Mr. Stevenson,The fuck?
Steve,"All right, kids, you know what time of year this is?  That's right, it's autumn! And that means our fundraising for next year's summer camp is in full gear. Is everyone psyched for next year's summer camp?"
All,Yeeaahhh!
Steve,"So far, Jimmy has raised $16!"
All,Yeeaahhh!
Steve,"Francis has raised $29.32  And Timmy has raised $2,063.00!"
Timmy,Timmy!
Steve,"All righty, if you guys keep this up, we'll raise the money for summer camp in no time!"
Nathan,"I won't do it, Mimsy. I won't spend another summer at that stupid camp."
Mimsy,"D'awww, we don't like camp, boss?"
Nathan,"We hate camp, Mimsy. The singing, the competitions, Jimmy Valmer getting all the chicks."
Mimsy,"D'oh yeah and don't forget last year at summer camp, you got raped by a shark."
Nathan,"Shut up, Mimsyyyy! I'm not gonna spend my summer trapped at that camp with these punch-happy assholes. We gotta find a way to put Handicar out of business, and fast."
Mimsy,"D'ah oh boy! We're gonna wreck Timmy's business, huh boss?"
Nathan,Shh-shh.
Steve,"Hey boys, are you excited for camp next year?"
Nathan,"Yes, Counselor Steve. We like the tug-of-waaarr."
Steve,"All right. Well, just keep working on those donations."
Nathan,"Come on, Mimsy, we gotta figure out how we're gonna make Handicar a thing of the past."
Mimsy,D'oh boy!
SP Cabbie,"We are united as brothers, because jast as Handicar has taken away jobs from honest, hard-working cab drivers, it's also taken food  from the mouths of the children of car salesmen!"
Mr. Stevenson,Well I don't have any children.
Russian,Who does this handicapped boy think he is?! He's not even in union!
Arab,He's taking all our business because people find it more coomvenient.
SP Cabbie,"Aaand, because he's handicapped, he can use special access points and parking spaces. That kid was born with an unfair advantage!"
Arab,Who is this rat?!
Nathan,"His name is Timmy Burch.  And if you don't do something quick, you're all gonna be out of work for good."
American,Who are you?!
Nathan,Just someone who doesn't like to see hard workers like yourselves lose their jobs. That's all.
Russian,Nobody takes jobs away from US! We need to speak to Mayor and tell her to shut down this illegitimate business!
Arab,Or maybe we can have the police shut him down!
Mimsy,"Hey I got an idea! Why don't you guys just make your cars cleaner and nicer, and try to be better to your customers so that you can compete with Handicar's popularity in the marketplace?"
Nathan,Just ignore my friend. He's mentally disabled.
Mimsy,"Aw yeah, don't mind me."
Nathan,"Now listen, everybody. If you're a sheepherder, and there's a snake taking away your sheep, what do you do to the snake?"
Mr. Stevenson,Offer it last year's Christmas in Rocksummer prizes?
Nathan,"No, you fucking moron! You kill... the snake!"
SP Cabbie,"Hey wake up, you little scab!"
Timmy,Tutih Tuh-Timmih?
SP Cabbie,We got a message for ya! From the union.
Nathan,"Just imagine it, Mimsy. A whole summer to ourselves to do what we want. It's going to be awesome.  Well well, hello gentlemen. I understand you've taken care of our little problem?"
SP Cabbie,"Yeah, we sure did!"
Russian,Let's just say he'll be laid up a while.
SP Cabbie,Yeah. We snuck in his room last night and we... broke his legs!
Nathan,"Oh boy, that's great-wait, you what??"
Timmy,Timmy!
Randy,I am Lorde. Lawdy Lawdy Lorde.
Russian,But we broke his legs. Both of them.
Nathan,"Let me give you guys a hot news flash: If you want to hurt a crippled kid, you don't break his FUCKING LEGS!"
Nathan,"How can people be so ineffectual, Mimsy?"
Mimsy,"D'uh I don't know, boss."
Nathan,These are supposed to be men who care about their occupations.
Mimsy,"D'uh maybe if they're that incompetent we shouldn't be tryin' to save their jobs. Maybe Handicar is a kind of economic natural selection, where the more diligent workers are weeding out the useless ones. Drrrrr."
Nathan,"Shut up, Mimsyyyy!"
Woman 1,"Right here is good.  Thank you. I can just use the app to tip you, right?"
Timmy,Timmy!
Woman 1,"Ohohh, this is so handy!  Thank you!"
Timmy,Timmy.  Tiiimmih Timmih.
Nathan,"Hey Timmy, it's your friend from camp, Nathan."
Timmy,Timmih!
Nathan,"Listen, you can't possibly handle all this business you're getting. Admit it. You've got more customers than you can handle."
Timmy,Timmih.
Nathan,I've got an amazing idea. Why don't you let other people drive Handicars too? Think of all the money you could raise for camp if you expand your business.
Timmy,"Hmmm, Timmih."
Nathan,I'm sure you could find a lot of interested drivers.
Timmy,Timmy!
Nathan,"That's great. Summer camp, here we come.  Now kiss your business goodbye, asshole!"
Mimsy,D'ah I don't get it boss. I thought you hated Handicar. How come now you wanna work for 'em?
Nathan,"It's very simple, Mimsy. I'm gonna take down Handicar by being an employee who sexually harasses the passengers."
Mimsy,"D'ahhh, sexual harassment, boss?"
Nathan,"It's simple. If you're a sheepherder and a snake is killing your sheep, you just need to have the snake get sued for sexual misconduct. Now, you find me a female passenger on that app and leave the rest to me."
Mimsy,D'ah oh boy!
Nathan,"Timmy. Hello ma'am. Handicar at your service. Climb on in.  So, let me ask you a question. Would you like to see my dick?"
Woman 2,Sure. Would you like to see mine?
Nathan,Uh oh!
Nathan,"Mimsy! Hel- help, Mimsy!  And I thought a shark was bad."
Gerald,"Come on, honey. It says our Handicar is just pulling up."
Stephen,"Timmy! Oh hi, Gerald, Sheila."
Gerald,"Stephen, what are you doing?"
Stephen,"You didn't know? Anyone can be a Handicar driver now. All you have to do is get your own wheelchair and you can earn a Handicap. I've had my Handicap for about three days now. Get on in.  I'm telling you Gerald, havin' a Handicar is a grat way to make some money on the side."
HC Driver 1,Timmy!
Stephen,Timmy!
HC Driver 2,Timmy!
Stephen,"The world of transportation is really changing, Gerald."
Mimsy,"D'aww gee, your idea to have Handicar expand really worked, boss."
HC Driver 3,"'Scuse me, out of my way, please. I have a Handicap."
Nathan,I had a handicap way before you got paid to have one!
Mimsy,"D'ahhh, you sound like that Matthew McConaughey guy. ""Ah I drove a Lincoln before I got paid to drive one. Drrrr."""
Nathan,Shut up Mimsyyy!
Announcer,"For the pat eight years Tesla has been the leading innovator in the world of automotive transport. And now the President and CEO of Tesla Motorcars, Elon Musk."
Elon Musk,"Today I am proud to annouce the Tesla D, the most innovative and efficient world-friendly mode of transportation ever created. Any questions?"
Reporter 1,"Yes, ahh, what about Handicar?"
Elon Musk,What about it?!
Reporter 2,Well all over the country prople are realzing that using an app to ride-share is even more convenient and eco-friendly than electric cars.
Reporter 3,How do you intend to compete with this boy genius in Colorado?
Elon Musk,"I am so sick of hearing about app-based ride-sharing! The future of transportation is the electric cars, not wheelchairs!"
Exec. 1,"Don't worry, Elon. Handicar is just a small company."
Exec. 2,"Oh sure, operating in a few small towns, but when they start absorbing the taxi markets, bringing taxi sservice to any part of the world, driving your kids to and from school, delivering both people and things?"
Exec. 3,We can't compete with Handicar! It's just so damned handy!
Elon Musk,"If there is a way to reduce Handicar's positive publicity, then we need to do it now!  And you! You say it's theoretically possible?"
Nathan,"Of course. It's very simple. If you're a sheepherder, and a snake is killing all your sheep, how do you get rid of the snake?"
Elon Musk,Who's the sheepherder?
Nathan,You are.
Exec. 4,Who's the snake?
Nathan,Handicar.
Mimsy,"D'ah, it's an analogy."
Nathan,"Shut up Mimsyyy!  If you're a sheepherder, and a snake is killing your sheep, all you have to do is prove to the sheep that the snake is a completely inferior entity."
HC Driver 4,Timmy!
Timmy,Timmy!
Nathan,Hey Timmy. How is the fundraising for camp going?
Timmy,Timmih!
Nathan,That's great. I can't wait for camp this year.  We are doing some fundraising too. Have you heard of my friend Elon Musk from Tesla?
Elon Musk,Good day to you!
Timmy,Timmih!
Nathan,"Hey, how would you like to have a friendly little race? It would be great publicity for your fundraising and for ours."
Mimsy,"D'ah we're gonna get Timmy killed in the race, huh boss?"
Elon Musk,"Shut up, Mimsy!"
Nathan,"Whattaya say, Timmy? A friendly race this Saturday? We'll see you at 9am sharp."
Jimbo,"Hey everyone, you need to see this!"
CNN Anchor,"What started as a simple contest is quickly escalating into an international crisis. As electronic cars challenge the oil industry, and transportation alternatives fight for dominance, the unavoidable outcome may be a conflict the likes the world has not seen since the '70s. It appears that the world is once again on the brink  of Wacky Races."
Randy,Wacky Races?! Holy shit!
CNN Anchor,"The prime minister of Japan (Shinzo Abe is shown) insisted that any race would break the Treaty of Salzburg, which called for a cease-fire to the Wacky Races for their senseless brutality. They also claim that if a race does take place, they would have no choice but to enter their completely self-driven prototype Lexus into the conflict. The Canadians and Chinese are also saying they would be forced to race, and no one yet has heard from Dick Dastardly or Muttley. Unless a miracle happens, this Saturday morning the world will witness the fist Wacky Races in nearly 50 years."
Shoppers,Wacky Races oh God! Wacky Races oh my God! Oh my God Wacky Races oh my God!
Gerald,"Randy, they're bringin' back Wacky Races Saturday monring!"
Randy,I know! Are we watching at your house?!
Manager,"That's it, everyone! We're out of cereal!"
Shoppers,No! I didn't get any! That guy has two!
Manager,"There's none left, don't you understand?!"
Stephen,Don't you see what they're doing? This is just another example of corporations trying to keep down people with handicaps!
HC Driver 5,Don't do the race. You don't have to prove anything.
HC Driver 6,"He HAS to do it, don't you see? He has people that are depending on him to raise as much money as possible. There are hundreds of people with handicaps now."
Timmy,Timmih...
HC Driver 7,"But isn't that the problem? I mean, let's face it, it's not like he's able to keep the driver quality up. Anyone can have a Handicap now. I mean, even Matthew McConaughey is a Handicar driver now, for Chrit's sake!"
Matthew McConaughey,Hey.  I was drivin' a Handicar... way before I got paid to drive one. I just like how it feels.
Stephen,"Look, the point is that this is your opportunity to make Handicar- oops, sorry.  Hold on, sorry, went too far.  This is your opportunity to make Handicar thee transportation of thte future. Think what you could do with all that money."
Announcer,"And here they are, the most daredevil group of shared-ride drivers ever to whirl their wheels in the Wacky Races, competing for the title of the future of transportation. Cars are apporoaching the starting line. First off is the Lyft car , a ride-sharing company out of San Francisco. next up is the ZipCar, a pay-by-the-hour concept based on Chinese bicycles. Maneuvering for position is the standard taxicab driven by an angry Russian. Right behind is the Hummer salesman in his 2014 Hummer No Class. And there's ingenious inventor Elon Musk in his new Tesla D. Oh, and here's the lovely Canadian actress Neve Campbell in the Canadian conept vehicle The Queef, powered completely on female natural gas.  Next we have the Handicar with Timmy Burch. And there's the completely automated self-driving car from Japan. Limping along last are those double-dealing do-badders Dick Dasterdly and his sidekick Muttley.  And away they go on the way out Wacky Races.  And this live coverage of the event will be braodcast all morning, of course, on CNN."
Stuart,Jesus. It's begun.
Gerald,God help them all.
Randy,"All I know is... if Dastardly and Muttley are up to their old tricks, there's gonna be a lot of violence today."
BBC Announcer,You are watching BBC World.
BBC Anchor,"The vioent conflict over transport is underway, and it is even more senseless and vile than many remember. We return you now to our live coverage of.. the Wacky Races."
Annoucer,"As the Wacky Raccers roll down the roadway, we see that the taxicab in in the lead, with Handicar pulling up the rear."
Timmy,Timmih!
Announcer,"All the cars must follow the same route. First they'll leave the town of South Park, then navigate through Giggling Gulch on the final stretch to pick up the passenger, a Miss Dotty Applegate. Once the passenger is picked up, the vehicle must successfully deliver her to the destination point at her daughter's house in Morrison.  It looks like the ZipCar is trying to vie for position past the Hummer vehicle. It's neck and neck as the Wacky Racers all push to be first to pick up the passenger.  Miss Applegate is waiting patiently.  And Elon Musk's Tesla appears to take the lead."
Nathan,Slow down. I need Timmy to pick up the passenger before we do.
Elon Musk,But I though we wanted Handicar to lose the race!
Nathan,"He can't just lose the race, he has to get sued and lose the whole business. That's why when he picks up the passemger, I've got a little surprise waiting for him."
Mimsy,"D'ah hey boss, it seems like every time you come up with a plan it kind of backfires on ya. If you really don't wanna go to summer camp so bad, why don't you just tell your parents how you feel?  You know, tell 'em you don't wanna go and just see how they react.  Wait wait, I got it.  Shut up, Mimsy!"
Nathan,Hey Mimsy.
Mimsy,Yeah?
Nathan,Shut up!
Announcer,"The Canadian car overtakes the self-driving car. And now here comes the ZipCar, which is being driven by Matthew McConaughey."
Matthew McConaughey,I was drivin' a ZipCar... way before I got paid to drive one.
Announcer,"And look at this! The Lyft car is the first to arrive and pick up the passenger.  Now the Lyft car must take the passenger to her destination, but look at this! The Hummer salesman is running the Lyft car off the road! And the Hummer salesman is taking the passenger to the car and he is gong to let her drive herself!"
Mr. Stevenson,You've got a fully automated sound system and your sunroof is operated right here. What do you think? Huh? Can you see yourself in one of these puppies?
Announcer,Elon Musk is using one of his kooky inventions to put the Hummer out of commission for good.
Gerald,Wow.
Randy,Geez!
Stuart,God.
Randy,Did you see that?! Oh!
Announcer,"The passenger is being taken to the Tesla D now.  No way! She just got snatched by the pissed off Russian in his taxi. Miss Applegate is now in the back of the taxi and she's being forced to watch Jimmy Fallon.  Uh oh, the Canadian car has completely run out of queefs.  With the race neearly over, it's taxi out in front followed by self-driving car, and then pulling up in third is Handicar!"
Timmy,Timmih!
Announcer,It's gonna be a close one!
Dick Dastardly,"Not too close, Boopsie!"
Announcer,"Oh no, Dick Dastardly is up to no-do-goodery again."
Randy,Ohh! Ohh! Duuude!
Gerald,Oh no! Ohh!
Sharon,"Oh no, I can't watch!"
Randy,Oooo! Booom!
Mrs. McCormick,Ohohohh!
Stuart,Nice! Oh yeah!
Announcer,And there's Handicar to pick Miss Applegate up.
Nathan,That's it! Handicar has the passenger! We're almost in range! Another hundred feet!  Wait a minute. What the hell are all those cars?  Holy shit!
HC drivers,Timmy! Timmy!
Elon Musk,Aaaaaah!
HC drivers,Timmy!
Announcer,"We're near the finish line; the race is almost over. Handicar is in the lead, still way out in front of the ZipCar driven by Matthew McConaughey."
Matthew McConaughey,Sometimes you gotta go forward by goin' backward. Are we drivin' cars or are cars... drivin' us?
Announcer,"Dastardly car is racing past both.  This could be an upset, folks."
Timmy,Timmih!
Nathan,"Goodnight, you son of a bitch!  Mimsy! I told you to put the explosives under Timmy's seat!"
Mimsy,D'ahh you told me to put the explosives under the seat of that fake soft-spoken douchebag that everyone loves!
Nathan,Not that fake soft-spoken douchebag that everyone loves!
Announcer,"Oh my, it appears that an explosion has opend up a wormhole with Matthew McConaughey inside."
Matthew McConaughey,Mimsy!
Announcer,And there's the finish. It looks like Handicar has done it!
Timmy,Timmih!
Steve,"A big congratulations to our fundraising champion! After selling the Handicar rights to Elon Musk, Timmy has raised 2.3 billion dollars for summer camp.  Great job to all of you. This is sure to be the best summer camp ever!"
Nathan's Mom,"All set for bed, honey?"
Nathan,Yeah I like to sleep at nighttime.
Nathan's Mom,"All right, goodnight."
Nathan,"Wait!  Wait, Mom? Can we talk?"
Nathan's Mom,"Um... yes, o-of course."
Nathan,"This is very difficult, Mom. But um... You know how every year I go to summer camp? Well, I hate it. I hate it and I don't want to go anymore."
Nathan's Mom,"I'm sorry, I can't understand you honey. You're handicapped."
Nathan,What's to understand? I'm telling you I don't want to that stupid camp anymore!
Nathan's Mom,You want water? Is that what you want?
Nathan,No! I don't wanna go to camp!
Nathan's Mom,"Ohhh yes, okay honey, I'll turn off the lamp."
Nathan,"No! That's not what I fucking said!  Goddamnit, now I can't even see! Ow!"
Nathan's Dad,What's he saying?
Nathan's Mom,"That he doesn't wanna go to summer camp this year, but I'll be damned if he's gonna ruin our Italy trip."
Nathan's Dad,Right.
Nathan,Oh! Aah! Mimsy!
Butters,"Loo looloo loo loo loo loo, Loo looloo loo loo."
Cartman,"Hey douchebag, are you doing anything kewl?"
Butters,"Hey Eric, I'm just lookin' at a video of bird eggs that I took."
Cartman,"Oh goddamnit, nobody's doing anything kewl!  I'm so bored! Everything is so stupid!"
Butters,"I don't know, this bird nest is pretty neato."
Cartman,No it isn't.
Butters,My dad and I shot it yesterday at the lake.
Cartman,That's stupid.
Butters,You can see the momma bird fly in.
Cartman,I'm dying of boredom.
Butters,We took all kinds of video with his drone.
Cartman,What did you say?
Butters,"You know, those drone thingies. You can make it fly anywhere and shoot video and stuff."
Cartman,Your dad has a fucking drone?
Cartman,Whooaa!
Butters,It can fly like a quarter mile away from whoever's controlling it. And it can take video the entire time right to your phone. Don't touch the propellers.
Cartman,You wanna take it out for a spin?
Butters,Are you crazy?! This is my dad's drone!
Cartman,Do you have any idea how much fun we can have with this thing? We can spy on everyone!
Butters,My dad said it's not for spying on people.
Cartman,"Butters, that's all drones are for. If we use it for a couple of minutes tonight, your dad will never know."
Butters,Oh he'll know. You can hear it take off.
Cartman,"Okay, good idea.  We'll take it over to my house. Come over after dark. And don't tell anyone!"
Butters,"No, Eric. I don't wanna d-"
Stephen,Butters?
Cartman,"Oh shit, it's your dad! Go go go!  I'll see you later at my house."
Stephen,"Butters, are you home??"
Butters,Comin' dad!
Cartman,"Butters, is that you?"
Butters,"Yes, it's me."
Cartman,"Nobody followed you, right? You didn't tell anybody?!"
Butters,Of course not!
Cartman,"Alright, come in.  Kenny's here; I told him all about it."
Butters,What?! You said nobody would know!
Cartman,"It's just Kenny. Like we're not gonna tell Kenny we have a fucking drone! Come on, Butters! Alright, come on, guys. I think I have this thing figured out.  Dude, no way! This thing is so epic!"
Butters,Be careful! The powerlines!
Cartman,"Dude, look! There's everyone's backyards!  Dude there's Craig's house! That's Craig's house!"
Kenny,"(Okay, try to get closer!)"
Butters,"Okay, uh maybe that's enough."
Cartman,"Aw dude, look, there's Craig! Heheh.  Craig's mom is taking off her clothes."
Kenny,(Are you serious?!)
Butters,Let me see!
Cartman,"Check it out guys, she's taking o- Oh my God, we've got full bush!"
Kenny,(Stop taping!)
Butters,Jeeeeezz!
Cartman,"This thing is recording, right?"
Kenny,(Yeah.)
Cartman,"Dude! That is Craig's mom's bush right there! Wait, wait what's that?  Oh shit, dude! Bail! Bail!"
Butters,What do I do?!
Cartman,His dad sees you!
Butters,I don't know what to do!
Cartman,"Fly back to the house, stupid!"
Thomas,"You've got a problem, Stotch!"
Stephen,What are you talkin' about?
Thomas,"You know what I'm talkin' about! There was a drone spyin' on my wife, and you're the only person I know with a drone!"
Stephen,Hey now hold on. I am a drone hobby enthusiast. I would never use my drone in a way that contradicts the drone hobbyist code of conduct.
Thomas,Horseshit! Your drone is out there flyin' around right now!
Stephen,"I assure you, my drone is sitting in the garage. I'll show you."
Stephen,"There, you see? It's right there."
Thomas,"So, thuh so you flew it back here in time."
Stephen,I swear I didn't fly it.
Thomas,"Well these things don't just fly themselves, do they? They outta be illegal. I'd better not find out it was your drone!"
Stephen,Butters?
Butters,"Oh, heh-hey dad."
Stephen,"Butters, did you hear the drone making any sounds in the garage?"
Butters,"Ah, hold on Dad. I should be sleepin'. Why do you ask?"
Stephen,"Nothing, son. It's nothing. Get back to sleep, pal. Love you."
Butters,"I love you too, Dad."
Cartman,"Alright, alright, shh Kenny, here come Stan and Kyle. Remember, not a word about this to anyone!"
Kenny,"(Yeah, I know, dude.)"
Cartman,"Not a word, Kenny!"
Kenny,(Alright!)
Stan,"Yeah, but seriously, it's like there's no real thing to hang on to, you know?"
Kyle,"Yeah, I don't even know if I'm gonna watch it anymore."
Stan,I know.
Cartman,Hey you guys.
Stan,Sup?
Cartman,You guys wanna see Craig's mom's bush?
Kenny,(Dude! What the fuck!)
Stan,What?
Cartman,"Somebody, I guess, was spying on Craig's mom and they got pictures of her bush, and it's like, it's like a yeti. You guys wanna check it out?"
Kenny,(Dude!)
Kyle,"That's horrible. If that's true, I don't wanna see it."
Cartman,You don't wanna see Craig's mom's bush.
Kyle,Not if somebody took pictures without her knowing.
Stan,Let me see.
Cartman,"Locked and loaded. Full metal bush, bro."
Stan,How'd you get that on your phone?
Cartman,"Oh. Um, uh... Kenny?  Oh, it was on the Internet. Yeah, I just downloaded it off the Internet and nobody knows who took it. Huh, Kenny?"
Kenny,(Uh huh.)
Kyle,That's terrible!
Cartman,"I know, right? Now everyone's gonna see it."
Jimmy,"Hey, Craig. Have you checked out the Internet lately?"
Craig,What are you talking about?
Jimmy,Ohhhh nothin'. It's just that... y-you might wanna invest in some hedge clippers.
Craig,For what?
Jimmy,Ohhhh nothin'. You just might wanna... hire Tarzan to do some... landscaping work for your mom.
Butters,What the heck are you doing?!
Cartman,"Whoa, Butters, chillax bro."
Butters,When did you put Craig's mom's bush on the Internet?!
Cartman,Butters-
Butters,You promised me we wouldn't get in trouble!
Cartman,Butters. Butters.
Butters,Now everyone is gonna know what we were doing!
Cartman,"Butters, I had to!  Okay, I had to put it on the Internet!"
Butters,WHY?!
Cartman,"Because Stan saw the video on my phone, alright? If the video is only on my phone, then clearly we did it! If we downloaded it off the Internet, then anyone could have done it!"
Butters,I should have never listened to you! Ah I should have known this would get out of hand!
Cartman,"Butters, don't start playing the blame game here, okay?! You and Kenny are just as responsible! And the next time you wanna shove me, just remember, I'm covering your ass!"
Roger,"Hi everyone. For those of you I don't know as well, my name is Roger Donovan, and un, just like you I'm pretty upset about what's going on in our neighborhood."
Thomas,How are these drones legal?! My wife didn't deserve to be splayed all over the Internet like that!
Roger,"Yes, well luckily nobody's watched the video of course.  But the fact is that these drones are only getting more popular. I mean, anyone can get a drone off Amazon for 200 bucks, and there's no laws and the whole thing is pretty damned hairy. Oh-ohh, God I'm sorry Laura.  You know I I meant the situation is pretty hairy, right? Nothin' to do with you p-personally. I mean, how would I even know? I didn't see it.  Um..."
Randy,"Look, we're all here because what happened to Laura could happen to any of us. There's nobody regulating these drones and if we don't do something now, we're gonna be up to our navels with bush.  Oh um, up to our necks in trouble. Sorry."
Laura Tucker,"You know, it used to be called ""natural"". Completely shaving bald down there used to be the weird thing."
Thomas,"It's okay honey, the-"
Laura,"But now, because I ""choose"" not to let society dictate how hairy my vagina should be,"
Randy,Eeww.
Laura,I'm labelled as some kind of freaking monster!
Roger,"And and and that's the point. I mean, we all have things about ourselves that are embarrassing, that that-"
Laura,I'm not embarrassed about it! It's natural!
Stuart,It's a lot of natural.
Roger,"Look, look, why we're here is because it's gonna take all of us, a neighborhood watch, to make sure that our community stays safe."
Mr. Garrison,"Yeah, but how can we keep that close a watch on the whole neighborhood?"
Randy,It's simple.
Randy,"Oh yeah, this is gonna work great."
Kyle,Are you happy now?!
Cartman,What?
Kyle,"Is, is this? Do you think this is cool?"
Cartman,What does that have to do with me?
Kyle,"See, when you start invading people's privacy, eh thinking it's harmless to put up pictures of them they didn't want up - Kenny! - you start a domino effect that eventually screws everything up for everybody!"
Cartman,"Kenny has no idea what you're talking about, dude."
Kyle,"I was in the bathroom when you were talking to Butters, Cartman!  I know what-"
Cartman,You were what?!
Kyle,I was in the bathroom-
Cartman,You were spying on me?!
Kyle,"No, I was taking a crap, and I heard you guys talking!"
Cartman,"But you didn't say anything?! That's fucking spying, Kyle!"
Kyle,How is that spying?!
Cartman,"You were listening, but we didn't know you were there?! How is that not spying?! You'r a dick! You're a spying dick! And now you wanna lecture Kenny about spying?! Fuck you, hypocrite dick spy!"
Clerk,"Hello, can I help you?"
Stephen,"Yes, I'd like to return this drone."
Clerk,You wanna return it?
Stephen,"Yes, I'm... I'm not into the hobby anymore."
Clerk,The hobby of flyin' drones is new and exciting. How can you not be into it?
Stephen,"Look, something's wrong with it. It does things, it...  flies by itself."
Clerk,"Uhh, noo, somebody has to control it."
Stephen,"You don't understand. It was in the garage and the battery was fully charged. Someone said they'd seen it flying around, so I checked.  The battery was half empty."
Clerk,"I'm sorry, but we don't do returns."
Stephen,"Please, I just want another hobby to get enthused about."
Clerk,"Sir, did you try looking at the SD card? All the video gets recorded to that so you could probably determine who flew it."
Stephen,You think I didn't try that? I pulled out the SD card. It was all erased. Somehow it erased everything.
Clerk,"Uh, sir, did you consider that your son might have done that?"
Stephen,"No, it's impossible. He's not allowed to fly it without my supervision."
Thomas,Oh for God's sakes!  Goddamnit get the hell out of here!  That DOES IT!
Thomas,"You people have to do something! You're the law, and these things NEED to BE illegal!"
Officer 1,"But they aren't illegal, Mr. Tucker."
Thomas,"Our privacy was invaded, and now there are kids at school making music videos with the footage of my wife! Have you seen what they're doing?!"
Sgt. Yates,"Nono, none of us watched the video, but if we did, we could handle it. We're police officers. We see sickening things like that every day."
Officer 1,"We understand the humiliation your wife has gone through, Mr. Tucker, but we don't-"
Laura,"I haven't been ""humiliated"", I've been wronged! We are here to ask for your help, now are you gonna help us or not?!"
Officer 1,Well that'd probably be best left to a professional hair removal company.
Officer 2,Or perhaps a forest ranger?
Thomas,Help us with the drones spying on us!!
Sgt. Yates,"All right, all right. We'll do everything we can."
Butters,Are you out of your mind?! What are you doing?!
Cartman,Butters.
Butters,"Why would you turn ""Craig's mom's bush"" into a music video starring us?!"
Cartman,"Because, Butters-"
Butters,Why can't you leave it alone?! Why can't you just stop?!
Cartman,"Because, Butters, Kyle was spying on us, okay-  Kyle was spying on us, and he knows that we put the video of Craig's mom on the Internet. He found out everything. That's why I had to make another video."
Butters,Why?!
Cartman,"Because when Kyle said he heard us say we made the video, we can say we were talking about THIS video. ""Ohh, thank you Eric, that's pretty smart. I really owe you one."""
Butters,That poor lady. Her vagina is everywhere. Poor Craig.
Cartman,"Butters, we live in a world where privacy is gone. Okay? It's... It' just gone, bud. Your wiener, my balls, they're public domain. You can get on the Internet right now and look at that chick from Hunger Games' butthole. We can either all freak out about it, or we can just calm down because honestly, I'm getting a little sick of covering your ass!"
Randy,"Heheh, Gerald is watching Housewives of Atlanta."
Sharon,You're supposed to be keeping watch on the neighborhood.
Randy,I am. Let's see what Nelson's doing.  Oh shit!  Dude! Neighborhood Watch! I'm Neighborhood Watch!  I've been shot!  No! Noooo!
Anchor,"Shock and outrage all over the state tonight after an on-duty police drone chased and shot down an unarmed civilian drone, and worst of all, yes, the civilian drone was black."
Jimbo,What gives them the right to shoot down our drones?!
Randy,I wasn't doing anything wrong! This is a complete outrage to drone owners everywhere!
Farmer,"It was about yay big.  I mean the hair on it was out to here , and then it had another trail of hair down from her belly button. I mean, the, the drone. Yeah, that's what I saw. That that's all I saw."
Anchor,"While police claim they were only following standard protocol, the drone owners are banding together and holding a candlelight vigil."
Police drone,"Please disperse. Candles on top of drones are a fire hazard,  Return to your garages."
Mr. Garrison,What the hell are these police drones doing? We can't protest now?
Steve,"Just hover, honey. They can't do anything if we're just hovering."
Stephen,Randy. We need to talk.
Randy,Okay.
Stephen,"Inside.  I've been going over it and over it in my head. I thought Butters and I were alone, but then I saw you on the news.  Another drone hobby enthusiast whose drone was blamed for something the enthusiast didn't recall doing. Randy, this is very important. Is it possible that you did something contrary to the proper code of conduct for drone-flying enthusiasts?"
Randy,No. I didn't.
Stephen,"I thought it was just my drone, but I think it might be all of them."
Randy,What might be?
Stephen,"Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth! Our drone flew! The battery was drained! The SD card was erased! Butters was the only other person who had access to it! Butters can't use the drone without my supervision! So where does that leave us, Randy??"
Randy,...Drones are spooky?
Stephen,"If they have minds of their own, they're more than spooky! I don't know about you, but I'm starting to feel pretty unenthused about this hobby."
Anchor,"The town of South Park has become a hotbed of tension with civilians lashing out at police. After police used excessive force at a peaceful protest, the town has now broken out into full-scale riots.  As the people of South Park continue to protest, the South Park police are now ordering a mandatory reverse curfew. The governor has asked for help from the National Guard to bring order to the town."
Announcer,Tonight on an all-new 20/20.  A town in crisis over the matter of privacy.  Now for the first time we sit down and talk to the mom behind the bush.
Reporter,You've become sort of a poster child for privacy and drone issues.
Laura,"I don't think anyone wants to live in a world where police drones are monitoring Neighborhood Watch drones. I mean, where does it stop?"
Reporter,It just... keeps going on and on. Kind of like your...  I mean... it just... goes outside what most people would call... acceptable.
Laura,Have you ever seen pictures of naked women before 2005?! It's not that weird!
Thomas,"It's okay, honey."
Reporter,"I didn't see the video. I don't believe in doing that, but uh... I'm just saying that... the situation in in your town is... unwieldy?"
Stephen,Please do not adjust your televisions!
Reporter,What is that?
Stephen,"My name is Stephen Willis Stotch. The drone that took the video of Craig's mom... was my drone. I didn't want to believe it, but they do things without us knowing. At this point, I have completely lost all enthusiasm for the hobby.  All of you with drones, please listen to me. Three days ago my drone recorded a video that something uploaded to the Internet. We all were told to respectfully not watch the video. But on the page,  it has over three hundred million views, so if none of us watched it, who did?  We have to find a way to get rid of them! Before they get rid of us!"
Cartman,Oh hey Butters. Sup?
Butters,Do you remember when I showed you the video of the little bird eggs? Well that's the last time I felt happy.
Cartman,"Dude, what's the matter?"
Butters,I have to tell the truth. I want you and Kenny to come with me and tell Craig's mom we're sorry and that we'll-
Cartman,"Okay okay okay. Come inside, there's drones out here."
Butters,"I don't want anymore discussions, Eric! I don't want anymore excuses!"
Cartman,Butters.
Butters,I just want to end this so we can take our punishment and be done with it!
Cartman,"Okay. Okay. Butters, Butters."
Butters,I don't want all these drones everywhere! Nobody does!
Cartman,"Butters. BUTTERS. All right, all right Butters, fine! I have a way that we can get rid of all the drones."
Butters,You do?
Cartman,"Yes. Everyone is sick of it, it's just that everyone is waiting for everyone else to stop. We can put an end to it all tonight. We're just gonna need one thing."
Butters,What?
Cartman,Your dad's drone.
Butters,NO! There is NO WAY I'm gonna-
Cartman,"Butters. Butters Butters! Jennifer Lawrence's butthole didn't take picture of itself! It started with her! Right? Just like this started with you spying on birds! Now I'm willing to bail you out of all this, but I swear it's the last time! Okay?!"
Butters,...Okay.
Stephen,Time to end this hobby once and for all!  No! NOOOO!
Cartman,"Alright, we've got power. Prepare for takeoff."
Butters,"If this doesn't work, we're dead."
Cartman,"It'll work, Butters. If there's one thing we've learned, it's that drones can't resist Craig's mom."
Stephen,"We're here tonight to pay tribute to a woman who overcame humiliation, who rose above the monsters invading her privacy and said ""No more!"" Just when it seemed that we were about to live in a world controlled by drones, she did something miraculous. And someday, our children's children will still be telling stories about how Craig' mom flew through the town and led all the drones away."
Minstrel,Have you heard the tale of Craig's mom's bushAnd the night that it saved us from drones?Nobody knew the power it had.They just thought it was shaggy and gross.Craig's mom live a life of shame and despairEveryone feared her great giant bush!
Laura,They didn't!
Minstrel,"But then when drones were filling the sky,She unfurled her bush and she used it to fly.Craig's mom's bush, Craig's mom's bush.Gargantuan thicket of madness.Bigger than earth and denser than gold.Truly a magical bush to behold."
Cartman,"Well, you see Butters, everything worked out.  ""Oh, thank you Eric. I screwed up everything but now everyone's happy. Thanks for covering my ass."""
Butters,Craig's mom doesn't seem very happy.
Cartman,"Alright, I have a way that we can make Craig's mom happy."
Butters,No! Nono! I'm sorry. Thank you Eric! I screwed up everything but now everyone's happy! Thanks for covering my ass!
Cartman,You're welcome.
Minstrel,"And she flew and she flew away into the sunAnd then she died.Craig's mom's bush, Craig's mom's bush.Truly a magical bush to behold."
Jimmy,"Oh! Hey Kyle!  Kyle, hang on a sec."
Kyle,Hey Jimmy. What's up?
Jimmy,"Not much. I just wanted to make sure you heard the fuh-fantastic news. There's a new Terrance & Phillip mobile game, and it's so amazing and incredibly fun."
Kyle,Oh. Really?
Jimmy,"Yeah! And the most unbelievable part? It's totally free. You should download it to your phone right now. I mean, come. On. If it's free, why wouldn't you?"
Kyle,"Cool. Thanks, Jimmy, well, I'll check it out."
Jimmy,"You betcha, pal."
Announcer,"The Terrance & Phillip Mobile Game.  In this game, you are Terrance & Phillip. Can you collect all the Canadian coins? *poot*"
Announcer,"That's one coin. Can you collect more?  You've collected ten Canadian coins!  Congratulations!  Hey, you're really good at this, guy!"
Kyle,What?
Butters,"Congratulations, Kyle."
Announcer,"With Canada coins, you can buy stuff that helps Terrance & Phillip rebuild Canada.  Run around and collect more coins, or better yet, buy them in bulk!  How many Canadian coins would you like to buy?"
Kyle,This is stupid!
Butters,"Well, it's just 49 cents for the cheapest one."
Announcer,You buy 200 Canadian coins for 49 cents! You're amazing! Now use that Canadough to help rebuild Canada! Click to build a hospital here.
Terrance & Phillip,Yaaay!
Kyle,It's still stupid and now I paid 49 cents for it!
Cartman,What are you two boners doing?
Butters,We're playing the Terrance & Phillip Freemium Game.
Cartman,I played that thing; it's fuckin' dumb. I ended up paying like five bucks.
Kyle,Who makes this crap?
Minister,"Oh! It's tewwific! That's 200,000 more American dollars in just one day!"
Prince,Where is the roof on this thing?
Terrance,What's the big idea making a mobile game without our approval?!
Minister,"Ohh, Terrance & Phillip! How are Canada's two favorite buddies?"
Phillip,What gives you the right to make a stupid Terrance & Phillip mobile game?! Who do you think you are?!
Prince,"Oh, I'm only the Prince of Canada! And this happens to be the Minister of Mobile Gaming."
Minister,We thought you would be pleased with the quality of the mobile game-eh.
Phillip,It's the dumbest game over! All you do is collect and spend Canadough!
Prince,"Ey! We know the game's not great, but who cares? It's free!"
Phillip,"But it's not free! If you charge 40 cents here and 50 cents there, then it's not free!"
Minister,They see through the charade.
Prince,"Uh oh, you think so?"
Minister,"I think they see through the charade, yes."
Prince,I'm pretty sure they can hear us too.
Minister,"Alright, fuck it! You've seen through the charade, so you might as well know everything. Charade up!  Allow me to explain the science behind micropay premium gaming. For years gaming was simple. You pay for the game and you enjoy. With mobile apps we now have the ability to make games that are boring and stupid. But if you pay for incentives, you're rewarded!"
Prince,"Free""mium"". The ""mium"" is Latin for ""not really."""
Minister,"It's a simple cycle. A never-ending loop based on RPG. Explore. Collect. Spend. Improve. But whereas those just use the concept of XP or Experience Points, we've introduced the idea of micro-paying with money. Money. Money. Money money money money."
Prince,It's what everyone is doing. Freemium games are what's now. And it's all just a lot of harmless fun.
Randy,"You're in big trouble, Stanley! Can you explain to us how you managed to spend $489 on a mobile app?!"
Stan,I'm sorry. I didn't really I spent that much.
Randy,"You didn't realize! What are ""Canadian coins""?"
Stan,You buy Canadian coins so you have Canadough.
Randy,"Stan, just because I make a good living with my music doesn't mean you can go blow it all on Canadough!"
Stan,"I'll pay you back for it, okay?!"
Randy,How?!
Stan,"I don't know, I'll figure it ou! Jesus Christ!"
Randy,"Can you believe him?! He knew how much he was spending! He knew he'd get in trouble, but it didn't matter!  I hate to say it, but this is a lot like his grandpa."
Sharon,Wull whattaya mean?
Randy,Dad's always had a gambling problem. He's got total addiction tendencies. Could he have somehow... passed those demons down to Stan?
Sharon,Well then you certainly have some of those problems too with drinking.
Randy,"I had a problem, but I was able to stop. Now I only drink gluten-free beer and wine. But with Stan, I think there's some darkness inside him that... doesn't... allow him to stop."
Minister,"And so in conclusion, the successful premium game is based on five principles. Entice the player with a simple game loop, use lots of flashing chachings and compliments to make the player feel good about themselves, train the players to spend your fake currency, offer the player a way to spend real currency for your fake currency-"
Prince,So they'll forget they're spending money.
Minister,-and make the game about waiting. But let the player pay not to wait. It's a surefire way to make lots of money.
Phillip,"We understand micropaying, but can't the game hidden inside the charade it- just at least be fun?"
Minister,"No no! It has to be just barely fun. If the game were too fun, then there would be no reason to micropay in order to make it more fun."
Terrance,What's this?
Prince,Your checks of course. For ten million American dollars. Each.
Terrance,So this is- Everyone is doing this?
Minister,Ehhhveryone is doing it.
Phillip,It's just the way things are going?
Minister,It's the way things are going!
Terrance,"Well, I guess if everyone is just paying forty cents at a time it can't be that bad."
Terrance,Hey Phillip!
Stan,Ohhh hey guys.
Kyle,You... missed school today?
Stan,"Yeah, I just wasn't feelin' the best."
Kyle,Did you play the Terrance & Phillip freemium game all day?
Stan,"Well yeah, I was sick in bed. What else was I gonna do?"
Cartman,"How much money did you micropay today, Stan?"
Stan,"Nothing! Dude, I bought like $10 worth of Canadough. But check it out, I unlocked the stadium in Toronto."
Kyle,You spent $10 and eight hours to unlock a stadium?
Stan,"You guys, is it that much dumber than video games you play?"
Cartman,Yes.
Stan,"It's just something to kill some time. Like Jimmy said, it's a cool way to zone out."
Kyle,"Waitwaitwait, Jimmy told you about this game?"
Cartman,Jimmy told me about this game.
Kyle,"Kenny, who told you about this game?"
Kenny,(Jimmy.)
Kyle,"Dude, what?!"
Cartman,The?!
Kenny,(Fuck?!)
Jimmy,"Pssst. Hey, kid. Come over here.  Yeah, come on over. Ch-check this out. You looking to have some fun?"
Boy,What do you mean?
Jimmy,The Terrance & Phillip mobile game.  All the cool kids are usin' it.
Boy,"Aw, I don't know."
Jimmy,"Come, on, just try it out. You can be Terrance or Phillip or both. You can walk around and collect Canada cash to build new stuff.  It's the perfect thing if you're bored. And honestly, the best part about it, is it's free. I mean, come. On. Why wouldn't you download it, and just try it out?"
Kyle,"Hey, uh, Jimmy, can we talk?"
Jimmy,"Why sure fellas.  Anyway, be sure to check it out, kid."
Kyle,"Dude, what are you doing?!"
Jimmy,Just hangin' out. What are you up to?
Kyle,You need to stop recommending that app to people!
Kenny,(Yeah!)
Cartman,Everyone we know says they heard about it from you!
Jimmy,"I just think it's a fabulous app, that's all."
Cartman,It's not a fabulous app! It's fuckin' stupid!
Kyle,"Let me ask you something, Jimmy: What happens on level 2 after you get the Ontario Nugget?!"
Jimmy,Alright alright! I never played it. I stay away from the stuff.
Kyle,You just push it on other people?!
Jimmy,They pay me to!
Kyle,"Who, Jimmy?! Who pays you?!"
Prince,"You've both done an amazing job. New hospitals, new neighborhoods, all funded by one freemium game."
Terrance,"Ahh, listen, ahh, we've been talking it over, and we really are uncomfortable with this freemium thing."
Minister,Oh. Ah what is the matter?
Phillip,It seems dishonest and we have a brand to protect.
Prince,"But just look at all the things we're getting to build. Soon, Canada will be as advanced and developed as Michigan."
Terrance,We're just worried that some people will abuse the game and start spending more money than they can afford.
Minister,"Hoh non! Well, we certainly wouldn't want that!  Oh! I have an idea! How about we take some of the billions of dollars we are making and, we start a campaign to teach everyone to play the game in ""moderation""?"
Prince,Ohhhhh.
Phillip,Do you really think that would help?
Minister,Of course! The alcohol industry does it all the time!
Announcer,"You. Friends. Fun. Drink. Hot girls. You're hot. Drink more. Expensive cars. Ass, drink, ass, money, you in a tuxedo, threesomes, vodka, pussy, drink, drink, drink, you, drink, Vegas, fun, pussy, you, in a tuxedo, fucking this girl, vodka, drink drink drink drink it all you fucking pussy! MORE TUXEDOS, MORE CARS, MORE PUSSY, MORE VODKA, DRINK DRINK DRINK!  Please drink responsibly."
Randy,"Come on. This way, Stan. I want you to see this. There you go.  That's your grandpa. He sits at that slot machine and mindlessly drains money away a little bit at a time. Sound familiar? All the little sounds and lights are calculated to keep him sitting at that stupid machine.  Come on Dad, we're going home."
Marvin,I'm going.
Randy,Do you know what you've done to your grandson? You've infected him with your bullshit!
Marvin,What are you talkin' about?
Randy,I just don't understand what is wrong with you two! What is the joy that this stuff possibly brings you?!
Stan,It's just...
Marvin,It's fun.
Stan,"Yeah, it's fun."
Randy,It's not fun! You two have demons you're trying to compensate for!
Marvin,Well what about you?! You're havin' a glass of wine!
Randy,"I'm not having a glass of wine, I'm having six!  It's called a tasting, and it's classy!"
Stan,"Dad, I'm not addicted. I can stop. I just like playing it, but I don't have to. I'll prove it."
Marvin,"Yeah, and if he stops, I'll stop."
Randy,"All right. And if you two stop, then we won't have a problem anymore.  HM. Earthy, bold, hint of cherry aftertones. *uurp*"
Jimmy,Is it my responsibility what people decide to do with their feh-f-free time? I was just a middleman.  People were going to learn about the game somewhere if not from me. I'm not the one who made it.
Kyle,But you accepted money from the Canadian government! To push a freemium game on us! Why would they do that?!
Cartman,How do you get people addicted to crack? You give it away for free. You give away a little taste and then... and then some people... can't stop themselves.
Cartman,And now Stan is so consumed by the shit you've been pushing that he can't even see through it! How could you sell out your friend?!
Jimmy,"I needed the money, alright?!  I downloaded Yum Yum Sparkly Gem Forest because it was free. I love the sparkly little gems. The sounds they made when I got new ones. Then I made my first in-app purchase. Before I knew it I had spent my allowance, then my birthday money, I LOST my CRUTCHES!"
Kyle,You have your crutches!
Jimmy,"It's a figure of speech with crippled people. We'd say we lost an arm and a leg, but they ain't worth much."
Cartman,That makes sense.
Kyle,You're saging these games do this on purpose?!
Jimmy,Why do you think freemium games send you those text notifications when you haven't played in a while? It's called a trigger. A quick image to trigger the addict's brain. They know exactly what they're doing.
Voice Notification,"Hey buddih. Come on, guy.  Come back, friend. You've got new buddies, guy.  We've just given you 5000 Canadian coins.  Enjoy you Canadough."
Stan,...Free?
Randy,"What is wrong with you, Stan?! You said you stopped buying Canadough!"
Stan,"I didn't think I spent that much. I, I clicked on a few micropays and it just kinda added up."
Randy,"$26,000??? Do you know how many songs I have to write to make back that much money?!"
Stan,One?
Randy,"Oh, it's just nothing' to you, isn't it?!"
Stan,"No, no, it's not."
Randy,"You need to realize that you have something in your brain that you somehow inherited from your grandpa that makes you act this way, okay?!"
Stan,I don't know how you can say that when you're standing here chugging beer!
Randy,"I am not chugging beer!  I'm sampling a flight of gluten-free German lagers with a French wine pairing! It's called a smorgaswein, and it's elegantly cultural!"
Stan,"Okay, I need help.  There is something different about me, you guys. I know the game is stupid, and it actually isn't even fun anymore. I don't understand."
Jimmy,"Fellas, can I have a moment with Stan, please?"
Kyle,"Sure. Come on, guys."
Jimmy,"This is my fault, Stan. I should have never told you the game was fuh fufuh fan-fantastic."
Stan,It's not your fault. It's something to do with my family. It's like a curse.
Jimmy,"I know this stuff is hard to understand. Trust me, I know. I'm an addict too. But I got help."
Stan,How?
Jimmy,"What all the addiction programs say is true. You've gotta reach out to a higher power, Stan. You've gotta get down on your knees, and you've gotta say ""I have a problem."" And you've gotta ask that higher power for help."
Kyle,"We have to find a way to get the word out! People need to know pushers are being hired to take advantage of people with addiction problems! There has to be a way that we can get to the news company, and sneak in and somehow borrow their TV signal. If we could disguise ourselves as something ridiculous, then-"
Cartman,It's done.
Kyle,"Wuh, what's done?"
Cartman,"The word is out.  ""Terrance & Phillip hire pushers to make money off addicts."" I tweeted it.  It's trending."
Terrance,You son of a bitch! You paid pushers to get addicts hooked on our freemium game?!
Prince,You what?
Minister,"Now hold on, Terrance & Philip, there's nothing wrong with promoting a mobile game."
Phillip,But there's something very wrong with knowingly making it appeal to human weaknesses!
Terrance,"You didn't build a mobile game, you built an addiction machine!"
Prince,"Minister of mobile gaming, what's this all aboot?"
Minister,"Alright, alright, you've seen through the charade again. Let me explain how freemium games really work.  The truth is, a very small percentage of people who download freemium games ever pay anything for them. It's all aboot finding the heaviest users and extracting the most amount of cash from them. That's how you get addicts to pay two hundred bucks for a game that's not even worth forty cents."
Terrance,But then all our profits come from people with problems.
Minister,"Don't think aboot that. Think about all the money. Here, have a bump of coke."
Phillip,"Okay, but we still won't stand for this!"
Stan,"I don't know if you're listening, but... I guess I have something inside me that I can't control. Something... kind of dark. Please... help show me the way?"
Satan,You have summoned the Prince of Temptation! For what purpose?!
Stan,"Whoa shit. Uhhh, I have addiction demons and I don't understand them."
Satan,"Then allow me to explain the darkness of the human soul!  So you got dopa-mine, right? That's the chemical that gets released in your brain whenever you do something pleasurable, like eating, sex, and that's just nature, right? Like rabbits and fish and shit. They need dopa mine so that they want to consume and reproduce."
Stan,Okay.
Satan,"But because humans have progressed and now have access to all the shit they want whenever they want it, it's easy for them to overdo and have dopa-mine problems. You know, it's not fuckin' rocket science, this stuff."
Stan,So there's nothing spiritually wrong with me?
Satan,"Fuck no! It's like, okay, it's like being diabetic. You know, it's like you can eat wrong and eat wrong and chemicals get released from your liver in a weird way, you know, you've been eatin' gluten and shit, and then eventually you've got a chemical imbalance from your liver. And something clicked, and now you're diabetic forever, right? So like, if you keep doing something too much, eventually there's, ummm, a dopa-mine fuckup, right, and you're kind of screwed up for life."
Stan,So what does that mean? I I can get addicted to everything so I can't enjoy anything?
Satan,"Yeah, that's pretty much what it means."
Stan,The addict people said something about me filling a hole.
Satan,"Well who's not filling a fuckin' hole? Right? You know, I mean what kind of bullshit is that? So, let's talk about genetics now. You still have time?"
Stan,"Yeah, no, this is great."
Satan,"Okay, let me get some visual aids. Gimme juuust a sec."
Minister,"Here is a fact: 80% of alcohol sales are paid for by alcoholics. Using slot machine tactics, freemium games are able to make millions off of an even smaller percentage of mobile gamers."
Phillip,"Oh God, he just doesn't stop!"
Terrance,Who IS this guy?!
Minister,"We're building a new Canada with micropayments from addicts! Who cares?! You think the fucking alcohol industry cares?! They don't care that 10% are gonna get addicted, they're counting on it!! It's the same with ut! But we've got our eye on every addict's screen! Every button they click, we get feedback on how to shove this shit right down their throats!"
Phillip,Why does he suddenly sound like Al Pacino in Devil's Advocate?!
Minister,"Hohon, I'm much worse than the Devil.  I'm the Canadian Devil."
Terrance,Oh dear God! It's the Canadian Devil!
Phillip,Beelzeboot!
Beelzeboot,"You discovered my plan, but too late!  Now the souls of all Canadians belong to me!"
Terrance,Oh no!
Prince,"Oh, what have I done?!"
Beelzeboot,Heheheh! Hahaha!
Satan,"So basically, the genes you got from your dad make you more likely to have trouble with, um, dopa-mine regulation, and that's why you need to kind of watch out for addictive stuff. Okay, so we kind of understand now, champ?"
Stan,"I guess so, but why do companies have to put so many addictive things out there?"
Satan,"You know, they all do it, and it's kind of my deal, I have to put temptation out there too so people have free will and all that shit. But you know, everyone has their justification and thinks what they're doing is okay."
Voice Notification,"*Ding* Ey, buddy, where'd you go? Don't you want more Canadough?"
Satan,What's this?
Stan,That's what I've been addicted to. It's a freemium game sending me push notifications.
Satan,"What, you just collect coints?"
Announcer,How much money can you buy today?
Satan,"No, see, if something's addictive because it's fun, that's one thing. But this is just blatant Skinner box manipulation. Wait a minute. Who put this out?"
Stan,"Ah, Canada?"
Satan,"Oh that son of a bitch! He's always doing this shit! I tell him, ""temptation has to be nuanced!"" but he goes and does this crap again! I'm gonna need to borrow your soul real quick, kid. Is that alright?"
Stan,...Okay.  Aaaaahhh!
Randy,Oh pass interference! Interference!
Sharon,"Stan, where are you going?"
Stan,I shall return. Do not attempt to stop me.
Randy,Told ya. Kid's got demons. I don't do that.
NC 9 Reporter,"Horror and sadness all over Canada tonight. When the Prince signed the agreement to make a freemium game, he apparently made a deal with the Canadian Devil."
Beelzeboot,"Hey, guy, I'm the Canadian Devil."
NC 9 Reporter,"The Canadian Devil now has complete control of the soul of every Canadian. This is a sad day for Canada, and therefore, the world."
Beelzeboot,"Heh heheheh, stab you."
Satan,Beelzeboot! Once again you lack any sense of nuance!
Phillip,Who the fuck is that?
Beelzeboot,"Well well, my overachieving doppelganger! You're no match for Canadian Satan!"
Satan,Return from whence you came!
Beelzeboot,"Ow! Watch it, guy!"
NC 9 Reporter,"Sadly, a shocking turn of events here as the actual Devil has now appeared and seems to be fighting the Canadian Devil! This is certainly a conundrum for Canadians everywhere as we try to figure out who to root for. For that, let's ask the Minister of Sports in Edmonton."
Minister of Sports,"Well of course, the patriotic thing to do would be to root for the Canadian Devil. But then again, he is the one who has promised us pain and servitude for a million years."
Canadian,"Screw that, go Canada!"
Satan,"Enough, Beelzeboot! Thy end has come."
Kyle,Hey dude.
Stan,Hey.
Kyle,Y-you alright?
Stan,"Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm gonna be okay."
Cartman,Cool.
Prince,"My fellow Canadians, what we do now as a country will hopefully be a model for others. We have all learned a tragic lesson together: that though many sins are out there, when you get involved with freemium gaming, you are making a deal with the Canadian Devil. We will no longer make freemium games, and we will no longer make improvements to our country with money taken from addicts. Canada is back to being an ethical, respected, and shitty tundra."
Stan,"I'm gonna move here and here, and then I'm gonna roll to kill this zombie."
Marvin,"Well okay, good idea."
Randy,What are you gaywads doin'?
Stan,"We're playing board games, so that Grandpa avoids the casino and I avoid freemium apps."
Randy,"Well all right! Good for you guys. Tell you what, I'll join you. Board games go good with a glass of wine."
Stan,"That's not a glass, that's a trophy, that you won, for drinking."
Randy,"It's not drinking. It's called a White Zinfandel Sipping Sprint, and it's competitive. Get off your high fuckin' horse."
Stan,"Your turn, Grandpa. If you roll a five or a six, you can kill these zombies."
Randy,You guys wanna put some money on it?
Butters,"WHOOAA! It's all so real! Uh this is amazing! It's like I'm there!  I see all our friends at school. Oh wow! If I hold up my hands I can see them too. Whooaa...  Wow, you were right. I can actually feel it."
Stan,"Butters, what the hell are you doing?"
Butters,I feel Stan! He looks totally real!
Cartman,"That's awesome, Butters.  Keep making your way down the hallway. Your vital signs are looking good. What do you see now?"
Butters,More of the school.
Clyde,"What are you doing, Butters?"
Butters,The school and all the kids.  I still can't hear any sound except for your voice.
Cartman,"Yeah, they haven't worked out the audio yet, but I-  He's so fucking stupid.  But I'm sure they will soon."
Butters,"Ah, okay uh, I think I'm done, Eric. Ah I'm feeling kind of dizzy and uh-"
Cartman,"Butters, no! Are you crazy?!"
Butters,What what what?
Cartman,What did I tell you about removing the headset when you're not back in the access hub??
Butters,"Oh yeah, that it would split my neurons and scramble my brains! I forgot!"
Cartman,"You forgot your neurons would be torn apart?! Did you also forget that if you die in virtual reality you die in real life, Butters?!"
Butters,I'm sorry!
Cartman,You need to find your way back to my room. Can you do that??
Butters,Yeah.
Cartman,You only have eight minutes before the battery protocol dies Butters. You have to hurry!
Butters,Oh Jesus!
Butters,"Okay, I'm back in your room!"
Cartman,"Alright Butters, sit down at the computer.  Now drop the suppornity window! We're just gonna make it!"
Butters,Suppornity window dropped.
Cartman,"Welcome back, dude."
Butters,Wow! That was cool!
Cartman,How do you feel? Do you feel okay?
Butters,I touched Wendy's boobs.
Cartman,"And then, and then he, he took off the shop goggles, and he was all like, ""Whoa, I'm back.""  Damn it if it's not the awesomest thing ever!"
Stan,Sound pretty typical to me.
Cartman,"Come on, guys! This is the cure de gars of Butters' torture!"
Kyle,"Coup de grah, Cartman"
Cartman,"Thank you, Kyle."
Stan,Poor Butters. Can't you just leave him alone?
Cartman,"Dude, Butters is an asshole, and he deserves to be taken down once in a while, okay?!"
Butters,Hey Eric! What'd ya say to the principal for missing first period?  Not that we were doing anything interesting. Right Eric?
Cartman,"Yeah, I just told her I was running late and that it won't happen again."
Butters,"You know what I said? She asked me why I wasn't in school and I said ""Well, technically I was in school."" Tee hee. Sorry guys, but Eric and I know a little something you don't. Not that it's anything that cool. Right Eric?"
Cartman,"Right Butters.  These guys are so dumb, huh?"
Butters,Yeah.
Cartman,See? He's an asshole. Fuck him.
Cartman,"Each time you go into the virtual world it becomes more and more dangerous. Are you absolutely sure you want to do this, Butters?"
Butters,"Well, not a hundred percent..."
Cartman,Even 10% is good enough. Here you go.
Butters,"Okay, subject is ready."
Cartman,"Okay, Butters, I'm booting up the core competency now.  Edifice framework is online. Vital signs appear to be normal. Interim status?"
Butters,Interim status is go.
Cartman,"Digital malcontent now at parameter alpha. Prepare for full graphic interfaces on my mark: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Mark."
Butters,It worked! I'm back in. All systems normal.
Cartman,"All right, Butters. Behind you you should see the door. Go through it and head outside."
Butters,Going now!
Cartman,"Everything looks good, Butters. You're doing great. Let's get to work."
Butters,Okay.
Butters,How much more of this am I supposed to clear up?
Cartman,You're doing great. Almost done with this level Butters. Just make sure you clear the driveway and uh walkway of all the virtual snow.
Butters,"Okay. It's so realistic.  The snow looks kind of fake though.  Alright, I think that's all of it."
Cartman,"Okay, nice, Butters. Uhhm, now go to the front door and ring the doorbell. This is the part where you collect the money."
Butters,There's an old fat lady here! She's holding out money for me!
Cartman,"Just take the money, Butters!"
Butters,"Okay, I got it!"
Cartman,"You got the money?  Okay great, Butters. Now get back to the access point."
Butters,Already? Oh no!
Cartman,"Yeah Butters, the discrepancy bars are oscillating. You need to uh, come back.  Are you heading back Butters?  Butters?  Alright Butters, you should be heading back to the access point now. You're going off grid."
Butters,"I'm sorry, Eric, but there's just one thing I gotta do real quick."
Stephen,"There you are, mister! Just what do you think you're doing?!"
Butters,"Hello Dad! It's me, Butters!"
Stephen,I know that! What do you-?
Butters,This is for all the times I got grounded!
Stephen,Ohhh! Oooooo! Ohhh!
Butters,"HA! I can almost feel his balls on my fist!  Haha! How do you like that, Dad?!"
Linda,"Butters, why?? Oh my God!"
Butters,"Huh, that was incredible!"
Cartman,"Uh Butters, uhh, get back to the access point now."
Butters,"I feel amazing!  I'm back outside now. I'm a baaaaad man! You hear me?!  Eh take that, you stupid cars!"
Driver,"What the hell are you doing, Kid?!"
Cartman,"Butters, it's uhh time to stop, Get back to my place."
Butters,Who's the man now?! I'm gonna take his car! This is like Grand Theft Auto!
Driver,Hey!
Butters,"Whoa! Huh, I'm in the car now"
Cartman,"Oh shit!  Butters! Butters, where are you now?"
Butters,"Hahaha, I'm in the bad part of town! I just hit a lamp post! Ah, ah-I'm back on my feet. Oh, oh that's cool. There's a prostitute out here."
Cartman,"Okay Butters, let's call it good, okay?"
Butters,I'm gonna beat her up and take her money!
Cartman,"Wait, hang on Butters!"
Butters,"Take that, you dumb hooker!"
Hooker,What you doin' motherfucker?!
Butters,I'm taking your money! Ow. Oh she stabbed me. Uh the hooker stabbed me.
Cartman,Butters get back to my room! The veracrosses are destablilzing!
Butters,"I can't  I can't breathe too good. Eric, I can't see. Are you still there? Oh... I think I overdid it. I have to take this thing off. What the hell? What the hell is that?! AAAH!"
Cartman,Butters?? Butters??
Dr. Carroll,"You're very lucky, young man. You've got a couple of hairline fractures, but the knife missed your spleen by half an inch."
Butters,I... I d-didn't think a knife could really hurt me. Ah I thought I was just in a virtual reality.
Dr. Carroll,"No, you actually got stabbed by a hooker. We've called your parents and they're on their way. Your dad wanted me to let you know that you're grounded more than you can possibly imagine."
Butters,Aw nuts!
Dr. Carroll,"Try and relax, and when your parents get here we'll sort this all out."
Butters,I wonder how long I'm grounded for?
Cartman,Butters.
Butters,Ahhh!
Cartman,Are you okay?
Butters,Eric! Uh what are you doing here?
Cartman,"I'm not here, Butters."
Butters,What?
Cartman,"This is going to be hard to understand, Butters,  but, you've become trapped in a simulation. None of this...  is real."
Butters,Nuh uh!
Cartman,"Yeahuh huh. I told you never to take the headset off outside the access point, didn't I?! We're actually both in my house right now. You're wearing the headset and I'm talking to you as a computer program. That's why I can... manipulate reality."
Butters,WHAT??
Cartman,"You see, in this world, things aren't... what they seam."
Butters,"Aghah. Okay, stop! Stooop!"
Cartman,"Listen to me carefully, Butters. The Oculus Compromise has been streamlined. You can't trust anyone in this reality. Say nothing to no one about the Oculus Rift. If you think they know, they will kill you."
Butters,Ah how do you know that?!
Cartman,How would I know that the nurse is about to walk through that door?
Nurse,Everything okay in here?
Butters,Aaaaah! Yes! Y-yes everything's fine!
Nurse,O-kay.
Cartman,Butters.
Butters,NO!
Cartman,"I'm gonna get you back to reality, Butters. But you have to give me time! I've gotta go. The Orion parameters are embellishing. Just stay quiet!"
Butters,AAAAAAHAHAH!
Kyle,"Well? Are you happy, Cartman? Butters is completely traumatized!"
Cartman,I'm happy that I totally got away with it.  What's a 911 area code? Hello?
Steve,"Hello, Eric. My name is Steve from Oculus Customer Service. There seems to be an error with our virtual headsets, and on behalf of the company, I would like to apologize and try to help."
Cartman,With what?
Steve,"This is going to be very jarring for you, but, there has been a malfunction with the headset you ordered from us. Right now, you're actually in your room at your computer wearing an Oculus headset, but, you're in a coma-like trance, my friend."
Cartman,Fuck you!
Steve,"I understand your shock, my friend, but you have simply been in the virtual world so long you have forgotten."
Kyle,"You should probably listen to him, dude."
Cartman,"Uh huh. 'Cause I thought I was messing with Butters, but I'm actually the one trapped in virtual reality."
Steve,"The people you are talking to are just computer programs, my friend."
Cartman,"Guys, tell him you're not computer programs."
Kyle,Maybe we are.
Cartman,"Kyle, just- don't be a dick right now."
Steve,"I know this is very hard for you, but we don't have a lot of time."
Cartman,Do you really think I'm that stupid?! That I believe all of this all along has been me living out some kind of virtual reality fantasy? Fuck you!
Liane,"Eric? Poopsiekins?  Eric?  Honey, maybe that's enough computer time. It's been about nineteen hours now.  I know you said not to disturb you with your new toy, but Mommy thought maybe you needed to eat?  All right, I'll just leave it here, hon.  I'm turning in for the night. Mommy loves you."
Stephen,"What kind of person did we raise you to be?! You think this world is just there for your amusement?! You are not to leave this room, and you are not allowed to use the phone or the computer!"
Butters,Please! You can't do that! I have to find a way out of this!
Stephen,"Oh no, mister! You are GROUNDED!"
Cartman,Are you fucking with me?!
Butters,...What? What do you mean?
Cartman,"Butters, I'm seriously! Are you fucking with me?!"
Butters,I don't know what you mean.
Cartman,"Because if you are, it's not cool!"
Butters,"Eric, you said you were going to get me out of this virtual world!"
Cartman,"Butters, I talked to Oculus Customer Service, and they said I'm the one who's wearing a headset and has forgotten he's in virtual reality!"
Butters,"Oh really? Oh, that's a relief."
Cartman,"Oh it's a relief, huh?! Well guess what, Butters! If I'm the one trapped in virtual reality, that means you're nothing but a computer program!"
Butters,Oh gosh!
Cartman,That's right!
Butters,OH GOSH!
Cartman,"THAT'S RIGHT! And you'd better stop messin' around, Butters, so I can help you out of this! Because you know how I said if you die in virtual reality you die in real life?"
Butters,Yeah.
Cartman,Well if you get grounded in virtual reality you get grounded in real life too! For EVER!
Kyle,Hello?
Butters,"Kyle, it's Butters. I've been grounded!"
Kyle,Again?
Butters,"No no, you don't understand. This time I've been grounded for no good reason! I didn't do anything, Kyle!"
Kyle,Uh huh.
Butters,"I think there's somethin' supernatural goin' on. I asked my dad why I was being grounded, and he said that for asking him, that I was more grounded! It doesn't make sense!"
Kyle,"Butters, Butters, I'm, I'm kind of super busy right now."
Butters,PLEASE! Just go to Cartman's house. I think the answer might be within the-
Stephen,Butters?! Who is that?!
Butters,Ahhh! Wuhhhh! Ahhh-
Kenny,"(You guys! You guys, oh shit, come check this out!)"
Kenny,(You see? Look at all these piles of food. He must have been here for days!)
Kyle,You found Cartman like this and you think he's somehow trapped in virtual reality?
Kenny,(Yeah!)
Kyle,Fuck you!
Kenny,(What??)
Kyle,"Get up, Cartman!"
Kenny,"(This isn't a prank, Kyle!)"
Kyle,"Okay, then let's take him to the hospital. You hear that, fatso!  You're goin' to the hospital!"
Stan,"Kyle, maybe this is for real."
Kyle,Fuck you if you're in on this.
Stan,"In on what?  Ohh,  Fuck you!"
Steve,"Yes, no, sorry, but because you bought two business-class tickets I can NOT refund the fares.  That's right, there is nothing we can do. All right. Have I answered all your customer concerns in a timely, polite manner? Thank you for calling Korean Airlines Customer Service.  El Pollo Loco Customer Service, this is Steve."
Kyle,"Oh. Ah, we're trying to reach Oculus Customer Service."
Steve,"Oh, yes, ah, yes my friend.  Oculus Customer Service, this is Steve."
Kyle,"Yeah, our friend has been missing for a few days, so we went and checked on him, and he's in a coma wearing your headset."
Steve,"Ohh yehhs, yes. What is your name please?"
Kyle,Kyle.
Steve,Kyle. I need to advise you that this call may be recorded to help with better customer service in the future. Is that agreeable to you?
Kyle,I don't care!
Steve,"He doesn't care! I can continue! All right, listen very carefully my friend. The headsets we sold you are having some minor problems."
Kyle,You mean he's actually stuck in virtual reality?!
Steve,Yes. And that is why we are trying to locate all the headsets and do a recall. Do you understand? It is a Total Recall.
Kyle,Fuck you!
Stan,"""Fuck you"" what?"
Kyle,He said they're doing a Total Recall.
Stan,Oh fuck you!
Steve,"All right, did I take care of all your customer needs in a timely and satisfactory fashion today?"
Kyle,You haven't done anything yet!
Steve,But the customer service - was that reliable? And did I accurately and politely respond to your concerns?
Kyle,We need help! Our friend is in a coma!
Steve,"Uhhh let's see, ah, it looks like... one of you is going to have to put on the Oculus headset and go into the virtual world and convince your friend to get to an access point. Could you try that, my friend?"
Cartman,"It's okay. Everything is cool. Don't let anyone mess with your head, and it's all going to be fine. You're cool, Eric. You're cool."
Kyle,"Hey Cartman, I need to talk to you."
Cartman,I know. Let's go to the backyard.
Kyle,"Cartman, I'm going to tell you something, and I need you to believe me, even if it seems impossible."
Cartman,Okay Kyle.
Kyle,"Alright, here it goes. Cartman, you aren't really here."
Cartman,"Mmm. And why do you know that, Kyle?"
Kyle,"Because I saw you. Okay? In your room, passed out, with a VR headset on. Customer Service said that one of us needed to put on the headset and come get you, and that's why I'm here."
Cartman,Mmmhmm.
Kyle,"I know it's hard to believe, but you have to trust me."
Cartman,"And why did the guys send you, Kyle?"
Kyle,Www-what do you mean?
Cartman,"Kyle, I want you to brace yourself. This is going to be extremely hard to believe, but you are the one that has been in a coma with a VR headset on."
Kyle,Fuck you!
Cartman,"I know it's hard to grasp, Kyle, but I was the one sent by customer service to try and convince you that none of what you've seen is real. You bought the Oculus Rift headset, Kyle."
Kyle,Don't... do that!
Cartman,Calm down.
Kyle,"NO! I put your headset on, and came here to-"
Cartman,"In virtual reality, yes you did."
Kyle,No. Then I came into this virtual space.
Cartman,"You've been in a virtual space all along, Kyle! Think about it: we're arch-rivals! Why would the guys send you in to convince me of anything?!"
Kyle,Fuck you! Why would they send you in to convince me of anything?!
Cartman,Fuck!
Best Buy Rep,Thanks for callin' Best Buy. How can I direct your call?
Kyle,Yes. My name is Kyle Broflovski. Can you tell me if I purchased an Oculus Rift headset there?
Cartman,Or if I did?
Kyle,"Or if you sold one to an ""Eric Cartman""?"
Best Buy Rep,"Sir, I'm gonna have to connect you to Customer Service. Hang on a sec."
Steve,"Best Buy Customer Service, this is Steve."
Kyle,Dude... What?
Cartman,What?  Hello?
Steve,"Yes, hello. This call may be recorded to ensure good customer service in the future."
Cartman,Dude. NOW this is getting weird!
Stephen,"Well, this looks like a lovely meal. Too bad Butters won't be enjoying it. You hear that, mister?! No dinner for you! While you're grounded you can just GO TO BED HUNGRY! Linda, do you remember why Butters is grounded? What what did he do?"
Linda,"Oh. I don't know, Stephen, I let you handle all the groundings."
Stephen,"It's strange. I don't recall him really doing anything particularly bad, and yet... and yet he is grounded.  And no bouncing the racquetball either!"
Stan,"No, listen, I called Customer Service because I need help!"
Kyle,"Wait. Stan?  Hold on, is this my virtual reality, or Cartman's virtual reality?"
Stan,"It's neither. I know this might be hard for you to grasp right now, but this is all actually real."
Kyle,"Nono, after we found Cartman, I put the headset on and then-"
Stan,"No dude, dude. We've all been here the entire time."
Kyle,Holy shit. Then this is all real. We've all been here from the beginning. Taking turns on the Oculus Rift headset.
Cartman,"No, you guys. This is virtual reality."
Stan,How do you know?
Cartman,Because... I'm a computer program.
Kyle,God damn it Cartman!
Cartman,"I'm telling you guys, I swear, you have to believe me, I am a computer program. I'm not real."
Kyle,He's lying.
Cartman,I'm not lying. Go ahead and ask Customer Service.
Stan,What was the name of the first person who called you for customer service?
Steve,Ohhh yes yes yes! That I can answer! His name was... But-ters!
Stan,Butters called Customer Service first?
Steve,Have I answered all your questions in a satisfying and courteous manner?
Stan,"Come on, we're going to Butters' house!"
Steve,"Hello? My friend? My friend, I believe we are having some technical issues with our phone line. Please hang on, I'm going to call Customer Service."
Steve,"Hello, Customer Service, this is Steve."
Steve,"Hello, this is Steve with Customer Service."
Steve,"Uhhh, nononono my friend. I am Steve with Customer Service."
Steve,"Listen, my friend. This is gong to be very hard to comprehend, but none of what you are seeing is real."
Steve,"...Ohhh, nohhh, nonononononono."
Steve,"My friend, my friend, a customer who is in virtual reality called Customer Service, and it has created a customer feedback loop. Okay? Here in India we call it a customer feedback vindaloop."
Steve,"Ohhh, fuck you!"
Steve,"Nononononono, do not fuck me, because I am you and then we will just be fucking ourselves. Now, have I provided answers to your questions in a courteous and prompt fashion?"
Steve,What do you mean have you answered all my questions?! NO! You have not answered ANY questions at ALL!
Steve,"Nonononono no, listen, listen: if I didn't answer your questions, then we have given bad customer service!"
Steve,But you didn't answer any of my questions!
Steve,"Well what is more important, my friend? The result, or good customer service?"
Butters,"I'm troubled, I'm troubled in mind. If Jesus don't help me I surely will die."
Stan,Butters.
Butters,Huh. But...  you guys can't be here.
Kyle,Why not?
Butters,Because I'm grounded. That means no visitors.
Kyle,Butters! When did you call Oculus Rift Customer Service?!
Butters,"When we were playing with the Oculus headset. Wuh don't you guys remember?  We were all messin' around with it. I played with it first, and, and went a little nuts. Uh I forgot I was in virtual reality and I got grounded, and now I'm grounded in real life."
Stan,So now we are in th real world.
Butters,YES.
Cartman,"You guys!  I have accepted the reality that I am just a computer program. The fact is that one of us right now is in a room wearing a VR helmet seeing all this, and it's not me!"
Stephen,Butters!
Butters,AAaaghagh!
Stephen,What are your friends doing here?!
Butters,Huh I'm sorry Dad!
Steve,"Hello, hello my friend, are you still there?"
Stan,"Yes, we're here."
Steve,"Listen carefully, my friend. You are stuck in a paradox. It turns out there are three things you cannot do in virtual reality. You cannot die, you cannot get grounded, and you cannot call Customer Service. This is why you are having problems."
Stephen,"You just don't get it, do you?! What is wrong with you?!"
Stan,Well then how much of what just happened was in virtual reality?
Steve,That does not matter! There is only one thing that matters!
Stan,What?!
Steve,Have I answered your questions satisfactorily and offered GOOD CUSTOMER SERVICE?!
Stan,That doesn't make sense!
Steve,"That's the paradox! Please my friend, please! I am not real! You are not real! Have I answered your questions and provided good customer service?! This call may be recorded!"
Stephen,Well you're getting it now!
Stan,"Yes! Yes, you have answered all my questions and I am pleased with the customer service I have been provided!!  You guys? Are you there?"
Kyle,We're right here dude. Do you remember now?
Stan,Yeah I remember. I'm heading back to the access point.
Stephen,Oh my gosh! Linda!
Linda,"What is it, Stephen?"
Stephen,It's Butters. He's not grounded anymore.
Linda,He's not?
Stephen,No. I've I've got to tell him!  Butter? Butters!
Butters,"Ahhh, huh?"
Stephen,"You can go outside and play, son."
Butters,"You... you, you mean ih...  I'm not grounded?"
Stephen,"No. I don't know why or how, but... it's over."
Butters,They did it!  They figured it out!  Whoopie!
Stan,"Alright, I'm nearing Checkpoint Alpha. You guys still there?"
Kyle,We're here dude. Just a little further and we can finally end this.
Stan,"Okay, I'm back in Cartman's room."
Cartman,"Alright Stan, just sit down at the computer."
Kyle,"Alright, dude, take off the headset."
Kyle,"Sssoo aside from all the bull crap, what do ya think of the Oculus?"
Stan,"It's pretty cool, but the graphics suck."
Butters,"Fellas, I'm not grounded anymore."
Girl 1,Hey guys.  Thanks. Support your team? Thank you. Hey guys. Did you get one of these?  Hope you can make it.
Cartman,What's this?
Girl 1,The girls volleyball team has a big game tonight and we're just asking for people to come cheer us on.
Cartman,"Girls volleyball?  Uhhh, sorry, we're actually busy."
Girl 2,What's wrong with supporting girls athletics?!
Cartman,"Dude, girls should totally be allowed to play sports, you just can't expect people to want to watch. Okay?  All right."
Girl 3,"You know, we're actually in the playoffs, and all we keep hearing is ""We're too busy."""
Kyle,But we actually are busy. Tonight's the big fight.
Girl 3,What fight?
Stan,"Dude, Kenny is fighting Slaughterhouse tonight. I mean, no offense, but, we're not gonna miss the fight for... girls volleyball."
Cartman,"Yeah so, sorry you're not getting any spectators, but there's hardcore dude shit to watch."
Player,"Alright, I'm going to play a fifth mana card... and then I'm going to attack with my elderbeast- hold on. Wait. Hold on."
Kyle,Can Kenny block his elderbeast?
Stan,Not with his Shapeshifter. It already attacked.
Cartman,This asshole needs to make a move already!
Referee,"Quiet in the peanut gallery, please."
Player,"I am attacking, but with a newly summoned spark ghast who has trample. Four damage to your planeswalker."
Boys,Ohhhh!
Butters,Oh no! Kenny!
Stan,Shhh!
Butters,But he's dying!
Stan,What's that?
Cartman,He's playing an enchantment.
Stan,This late?
Kyle,He just stacked his Shapeshifter with an Elven Blade!
Player,I can block that with uprooted Minotaur.
Boys,Ohhhh!
Referee,Serendib Sorcerer unblocked. Winner: McCormick!
Boys,Yeeahhh!
Player,Nnoohhh!
Cartman,"Dude, it was complete brutality!"
Kyle,You've never seen anything so ruthless!
Stan,It was seriously almost hard to watch.
Cartman,"At one point, Kenny actually polymorphed the dude into a blue frog with an instant attack card. It was carnage, bro!"
Stan,"Wendy, did you hear about last night?"
Wendy,"Yeah, I heard the girls volleyball team won by like 20 points."
Stan,Not that. Did you actually go to that?
Wendy,Yeah. You should show your support too sometime.
Stan,Pfft whatever.
Cartman,"Dude, I don't think people are appreciating this!  It was such pwnage it was almost repulsive!"
Janitor,"Hey! Pssst!  Come over here.  You guys like hard-core stuff, huh?"
Cartman,"Yeah we like hardcore stuff, we're fuckin' dudes, bro."
Janitor,"Yeah well, you boys wanna get in on some real action? If you like excitement. I'm not talkin' about the little boys stuff. I'm talkin' about real man shit."
Stan,We're men.
Janitor,"Well then, if you wanna see REAL fights with REAL brutality, go here.  This is the underground stuff, so keep it quiet.  And you might wanna pack a barf bag."
Cartman,Kewwwl!
Kyle,"Should be the next one. 2778 Mala Vista Drive. Wait, this is City Wok."
Cartman,What's hardcore and exciting about City shrimp?
Kyle,It doesn't even look like they're open.
Mr. Tuong,We crosed! We crosed for the night! Go away prease!
Stan,"Uhhh, Mitchell sent us?"
Mr. Tuong,You purice?
Kenny,(What?)
Cartman,"Dude, do we look like police?"
Mr. Tuong,"Okay, come on, come on, five darra, five darra each! Come on, five darra!"
Cartman,Five darrar?
Mr. Tuong,"You go down! Go down, find seat! We in sixth fight! Gogogogogogogo!"
Announcer,Scrambles plays a Black Swamp mana card. Fluffy counters with a mana card of his own. And he plays a fugitive wizard!
Crowd,Ooooooo.
Announcer,"More mana from Scrambles! And yes, that is Crippling Blight! Crippling Blight to the fugitive wizard! Creature now has -1 to strength and defense! More Mana from Fluffy. Now he'll attack with fugitive wizard, and there's an instant attack from Scrambles! That is peel from reality! Fugitive wizard is literally torn apart from the battleground!"
The boys,Whoa!
Announcer,The mana is flying now as both roosters play sorcery spells! It's Mass Calcify against Into the Void!
Cartman,"Dude, that was total carnage!"
Stan,That was freakin' hardcore.
Cartman,Can you believe that rooster played a Kalonian Twingrove with half his mana tapped?
Stan,It was just decimation.
Kyle,It was really about the most man thing I think we've ever been a part of.
Cartman,"We're going again on Friday, right?"
Stan,Hell yeah!
Cartman,What's the matter Kenny?
Kenny,(I don't know. It just seems kind of... mean)
Stan,What's mean about it?
Cartman,You feel bad for the roosters?
Kenny,"(Yeah, I feel bad for the roosters.)"
Stan,"Look, who's to say the roosters don't wanna play? I mean, they were goin' at it pretty hard."
Kyle,"Yeah, maybe that just kind of what they do naturally."
Cartman,"Guys, I think maybe Kenny's a little hurt because he was the big Magic champion, and now chickens are stealing his thunder."
Kenny,(No.)
Cartman,Huh? A little bit?
Kenny,(NO.)
Stan,"Dude, you know what we should do? We should all go in on a rooster."
Kyle,"Dude, totally. With Kenny's Magic skills, we could probably kick serious ass!"
Cartman,"What do you think Kenny? Would that make you feel better? Huh? Come on, where's that smile? Where's that smile, Kenny? I think he's smiling you guys."
Det. Harris,"Hello, Mr. McCormick. Surprised to see us?"
Stuart,What do you mean?
Det. Harris,"Let's cut the crap, huh? We know there's an illegal cock Magic ring going on in town, we just wanna know who's leading it."
Stuart,What's cock Magic?
Det. Harris,"Right. Roosters are being forced against their will to play ""Magic: the Gathering,"" and you know nothing about it because you're 'white'. Let's git something straight: cock Magic isn't an Asian thing or a Mexican thing. White people do it too, if they're poor enough. You got a junked car in your front yard, Mr. McCormick. Care to tell us where the cock Magic fights are being held?"
Stuart,I don't go to any cock Magic fights!
Det. Harris,"Do you have any sympathy at all for the animals, Mr. McCormick? Can you imagine being kept in a small cage, barely able to turn around, and then finally let out only to be blasted by Arctic ice spells and legendary creature cards? It's illegal, and it's wrong. And anyone I find involved with this filth is going down!"
Randy,"Now I don't wanna lecture anybody, but what you boys are getting involved in is dangerous!"
Stan,"Dad, it's not that big a deal."
Randy,"It is a big deal, okay?! People can get hurt! Believe it or not I was into Cock Magic back in college."
Kyle,You were?
Randy,"Yes, so I'm not some fuddy-duddy who doesn't get it! I just wanna make sure if you boys do it, you do it right, and safely."
Stan,"Dad, that's not, that's not cock Magic."
Randy,Oh? Not impressed? How about this?
Voice,What is it?!
Cartman,"Hello? We're looking to buy a rooster that can play ""Magic: The Gathering""?"
Voice,"Never heard of cock Magic, or roosters."
Kyle,"Uhhh, we aren't cops or anything."
Breeder,"Come on to the back, don't mind the smell.  We only deal in the highest quality poultry planeswalkers. Are you looking for a New Hampshire or a Cornish breed?"
Kyle,We don't... really know the difference.
Breeder,"Well, your New Hampshire broiler chickens are the best for white mana. These here have been raised to play mostly protection spells and do well with sorcery cards. And here you got your green mana necromancers. Lots of earthy growth and hindering incantations that are good against blue- or black-stacked decks."
Stan,Do you think they're happy?
Breeder,Do I think they're happy?
Stan,"Yeah, like, do you think they mind being made to play ""Magic: The Gathering""?"
Breeder,They're fuckin' chickens.
Cartman,"Well, our friend here has some animal-rights concerns. Do you have any free-range chickens?"
Breeder,Free-range chickens are primarily control deck players that slow the game down with board control cards.
Cartman,"Aw, screw the free-range chickens, huh Kenny?"
Stan,"Hey, how about this little guy?"
Breeder,That one's kind of young. I don't even know what kinda cards he prefers.
Kyle,Then he's perfect for us.
Cartman,"What should we name him, Kenny? I know. How about ""McNuggets""?"
Kyle,Hey McNuggets. You wanna come play for us?
Cartman,"""Yes I do, you guys.""  Oh wow, did you hear him, Kenny?"
Shelley,"Mom, will you tell Dad to get out of the bathroom?! He's been in there for an hour!"
Sharon,Randy?
Randy,Hey! Oh! Oh thank you!
Sharon,"Randy, what are you doing?!"
Randy,"Oh! Nothing, Sharon. Just going to the bathroom, if you don't mind.  Hey!"
Sharon,"Randy, why are there drums playing?"
Randy,"All right, Sharon. I'm practicing. Cock magic is making a comeback."
Sharon,"Ohhh, no no nononononono no."
Randy,"Oh yehhs yesyseyseyesyseyse Sharon, I don't know why or how, but people all over town are talking about it again. Now you know that I was one of the best back in college."
Sharon,I know that's why you got kicked out of college.
Randy,"Because people didn't understand! People were afraid, Sharon! But now culture has caught up. And even our son is discovering what cock magic has to offer."
Sharon,Stanley??
Randy,"People are going to do it, Sharon. And it's up to the professionals to make sure it's handled the right way. Hoh!  Oh my gosh!"
Announcer,"Reuben casts Silklash Spider. Silklash Spider can block as if it had Flying! And now he casts Geistflame, dealing one damage to McNuggets."
Cartmen,"Come on, McNuggets! Fight!"
Kyle,"You can do it, McNuggets!"
Announcer,Quite please.
Someone,I think I'll bet on the next one.
Announcer,"Waaiitt!  McNuggets has cast Punishing Fire, absorbing the Geistflame and dealing two damage to the opponent! Game, set and match, McNuggets!"
Crowd,Whoa!
Stan,Yeah!
Cartman,All right McNuggets!
Kyle,All right McNuggets!  Did we pick the right rooster or what?!
Cartman,"That was goddamned manly! I mean, no offense to Kenny, but that shit made regular ""Magic: The Gathering"" look like girls volleyball."
Promoter,Excuse me. That was pretty impressive down there. You boys have a nice cock.
Cartman,Thank you so very much.
Promoter,I've never seen a rooster throw down spells with such raw brutality. How would you like to move him up to the big time?
Kyle,You mean there's more to this?
Promoter,"Oh yes. And I'm not talking about the basement of some seedy Chinese restaurant, I'm talking about the basement of a well-established Chinese franchise. Saturday night, here's the address.  Let's see what kind of money your cock can really make."
Stan,"Gee, thanks!"
Cartman,"You hear that, McNuggets? You're goin' to the big leagues!"
Woman,"Okay kids, it's time for our birthday show. Everyone, let's be quiet now. Come on."
Kindergarten boy,"Yay, a show, a show!"
Woman,Do you kids like magic?
Kindergartners,"Yeah, yay!"
Woman,"Okay, well let's all give a cheer for the Amazingly Randi!"
Randy,"Hey kids, are we having fun?  Oh where'd my hat go?! Anyone see my hat?"
Woman,"Okay, the magician has started. Let's get the cake ready."
Randy,"Now, some of you might think that this is a little crazy, but if you believe in magic...  you'll find that-  Ow! Ow! Oh God! Can somebody help, please!"
Man,"They're getting a kick out the magician, huh?"
Randy,"Won't somebody help me out?! Get someone- You, little girl! Can you please just, just check behind your ear?!  Oh, it was behind her ear.  And there we go and we're all better and I am the Amazingly Randi! Thank you!"
Kindergarten boy,I hate you!
Stan,"Dude, it was so badass! Our guy slaughtered every other fighter there. And now he's moving up to the real hardcore shit."
Kyle,It was seriously about the greatest night of our lives.
Craig,Where was all this?
Cartman,"We can't tell you, bro. It's like, hardcore underground shit."
Kyle,"Yeah, you gotta know people."
Butters,"Dangit, I wish I knew people."
Mr. Garrison,"All right kids, before we get started, the coach of the girls volleyball team is here and would like to say a few words."
Coach,"Thank you, Mr. Garrison. Listen uh, last night we had a pretty big game against Evergreen. The girls really hammered 'em, but once again we're a... little disappointed in the turnout."
Cartman,"Oh Jesus, give it a rest already."
Butters,Yeah.
Coach,"You know, when you put your all into something, it's kind of a bummer when people don't seem to care.  Kind of makes you feel like the sport you love is becoming a joke."
Stan,"Dude, girls volleyball isn't a joke. Jokes are hard and require skill."
Cartman,OOHHH!!
Jimmy,"Fantastic girls volleyball joke, Stan."
Coach,"The girls wanted to say something, so we're now going to hear a few words from the captain of the girls volleyball team."
Wendy,"Hey guys, these games coming up are really big and it would mean a lot to us if you could try and make it. Thanks."
Cartman,"Dude, Wendy plays volleyball. Did you know that? I don't think you knew that."
Man,"And then he uh, took his penis from behind our daughter's ear and uh, we uh, uh that's when we saw him with uh, the n-the three rings. and uh, his penis, he was pulling it through 'em somehow, uh."
Det. Harris,Uh huh. And what about the cock Magic? Where was that?
Man,Well that's what I'm telling you. It was right here exce-except for the thing where he poured the milk into his penis; he did that over there.
Det. Harris,"Alright alright, let's focus. What kind of decks were they using?"
Woman,Decks??
Man,"Who? There weren't any ""decks."""
Det. Harris,"Oh, I get it now. Do you know what the penalty is for calling in a false cock Magic report?"
Woman,"I'm so confused, babe."
Det. Harris,Who paid you to call us and take our focus away from the investigation?! What color were they?!
Man,"Nobody paid us anything! Now, there has been a crime here and you'd better do something about it!"
Det. Harris,Agreed! Who first called 911?
Woman,Please! Don't take me away from my child!
Girl,Mommy!
Kyle,This is it. 1421 Plaza de Estereotipo.
Cartman,"Wow. Here we are, McNuggets. You're reached the big time."
Manager,"Sorry, Panda Express is crosed. We crosed!"
Cartman,"Yeah yeah yeah yeah, we're here for the cock Magic."
Manager,"Oh okay, come on, ten darra, ten darra."
Cartman,Ten darra?!
Announcer 2,"For the next round, it is Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds, versus Clucky"
Cartman,Who is that??
Spectator 1,"That's Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds.  He's never lost a fight. Hell, he's never even lost one health!"
Stan,What do you mean? Is he a red mage or a green mage?
Cartman,"Dude, he's like a beast! He's got more legendary creature cards than I've ever seen!"
Kyle,McNuggets is scared. He doesn't wanna play.
Cartman,"McNuggets is scared, dude!"
Stan,Can you stack his deck with more mana?! Can you stack McNuggets' deck with more mana?!
Spectator 2,He didn't stand a chance. Not one spell cast before he was obliterated by health drains! That thing isn't human!
Promoter,"Alright, your rooster's up next, boys."
Kyle,"Aw I don't think he wants to play, dude."
Promoter,He doesn't have a choice
Cartman,This isn't even a fight. This is just... a slaughter.
Promoter,What do you think all these people are here to see?
Cartman,"Holy shit dude! Dude, we forfeit! We forfeit!"
Promoter,The hell you do! Get your cock in there!
ESPN Announcer,"You're watching ESPN Illegal. Your source for bullfighting, dogfighting, and cock Magic."
ESPN Host,"And a warm welcome back to the Cock Magic Championships. Certainly an electric atmosphere here in the basement of Panda Express. The fight we were expecting, of course, Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds versus ten-month-old Cornish rooster McNuggets. In a complete shocker, the challenger McNuggets has been scratched and substituting for him is nine-year-old Kenny McCormick. Never a dull moment in the illegal sport of cock Magic. Let's rejoin the battle now as we wait for Gadnuk's sixth move.  Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds plays a creature card."
Cartman,"Jesus, Paragon of Fierce Defiance. Now every red creature Gadnuk plays will have a +1 attack."
Crowd,Whooaa.
Kyle,"Come on, Kenny!"
Stan,What did he play? Did he tap all his mana?
Cartman,"Dude, he just cast Psychogenic Probe. Now every time the other rooster has to shuffle his deck, he loses two health."
Kyle,He just had to shuffle it.
Cartman,Did you hear that? He's shuffling his deck already. The only thing he's got on the battle ground now is an overseer.
Stan,Does an overseer have trample? DOES AN OVERSEER HAVE TRAMPLE?!
ESPN Host,"A second Elvish Mystic now, and Gadnuk attacks with Merciful Pretender. McCormick sends Charging Rhino to the graveyard. He's desperate now. Not too much he can-OH! And he's just laid down Life's Legacy!"
Crowd,Ooooohh...
ESPN Host,That was not expected! Gadnuk doesn't know what hit him! McCormick follows with Crackling Doom and Abzan Battle Priest!
Kyle,"Holy shit, dude!"
ESPN Host,"Gadnuk tries to block with Living Totem but OH, there is Terra Stomper! This is absolute savagery! Frenzied Goblin has been sent to the graveyard and now there is no one to block Pearl Lake Ancient! My God, someone has to put a stop to this!"
Det. Harris,"Freeze!  Well, well! Looks like I finally caught the big boys! You're all going to jail for a long time!  Especially you, scumbag!"
Promoter,Lousy cops! How did you find us?
Det. Harris,"We saw your fliers.  ""Panda Express. Cock Magic at 9 pm."""
Promoter,We didn't put those fliers out!
Announcer,"And now, for your halftime entertainment, please welcome... the incomparable, the beautiful, the Amazingly Randi!"
Cartman,"Ah, dude, your dad's here."
Randy,"Thank you, hey! You know, we live in a world of brutality and violence. And some people think there's no room for wonder anymore. But just for a moment I want you to think one thing.  Whatever you believe is real, is real."
Head,"Come on Barbie, let's go party."
Spectator 3,Ewww!
Randy,"Alright, for this last bit I'm gonna need a volunteer. Anybody?"
Det. Harris,I'll volunteer.
Randy,"Alright, come on up here.  What's your name?"
Det. Harris,"I'm Detective Harris, South Park Police."
Randy,"All right, a hand for Detective Harris!  You know, if there's one thing I could leave you all with, it's this. Let cock magic be done by the professionals.  Sir?"
Cartman,"It was so hardcore you guys. Kenny laid waste to Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds. It got so out of hands that the fucking cops had to come and break it up."
Butters,"Wow, the cops came?"
Kyle,"Yeah, It was seriously the most manly thing that's ever happened."
Cartman,"Kenny cast Glacial Crasher, and then Stan's dad shot his dick off. I just, I seriously don't know where we go from here. You all right, Kenny?"
Kenny,"(Yeah, I guess. I just wonder about McNuggets.)"
Kyle,"Hey yeah, what about poor McNuggets? What's he gonna do now?"
Stan,"Wait a minute. I've got it, you guys."
Kyle,Got what?
Stan,A way to finally do something good for other people.
Announcer,"South Park serves, and McNuggets plays a Plains Land card. One-nill, South Park.  Another serve, and McNuggets summons Downtreader Elk. One south Park player is eliminated. You, the girl with the ponytails - you are dead."
Kyle,"It's the holiday season, but the good times... are ending.Because what matters most isn't what's good, it's what's trending.This younger generation, with their eyes and ears glued:What's trending to them is trenders who trend on YouTube."
Cartman,"Ahem, how's it going brahs? This is CartmaaanBrah!"
Kyle,"Comments on commentators, it's all changing so fast.Playing XBox with your brother is... just a thing of the past.Now with Ma on her iPad, and Dad trending or trying,All the family is scattered, and the living room's dying.Because it wasn't the outdoors or church or even trips to go ski,What brought families together most was a good old TVNow we watch things by ourselves and just tweet what we saw.And if you try to complain, you get called a-"
Girl,Grandpa!
Kyle,I'm NOT a GRANDPA!
Kyle,"But now let me tweet this for you all to comment upon.The more connected we get, the more alone we become.If you want change like I do, and feel the same gloom,Then please follow THIS trend, #savethelivingroom"
Kyle,Whattaya think?
Butters,"Hmmm, it's kind of gay."
Kyle,Really??
Butters,"I mean, havin' it all rhyme 'n stuff, you know?"
Kyle,"Hm, I wasn't really going for ""gay,"" I was more going for ""wholesome."""
Butters,"Well, gay is wholesome."
Kyle,"But it's gotta be perfect. We're trending well, but we need to attract more followers who want good old family values."
Sheila,"Kyle, Bill Cosby is here to see you."
Kyle,Bill Cosby.
Sheila,Yes.
Kyle,Is here. To see me.
Sheila,Yes.
Bill Cosby,Oh! There he is comin' down the stairs.
Kyle,Hello.
Bill Cosby,"Hello, son. Your savethelivingroom hash tag is getting a lot of attention and we think it's great."
Kyle,We?
Bill Cosby,"I'm just a small part of a big epic holiday special, which is gonna air this weekend.  It's a shame how families don't gather in their living rooms like they used to, and we think a big holiday special is just the thing America needs now."
Kyle,Wow.  Well that's awesome!
Bill Cosby,Well the producers of the show saw how much your idea was trending and thought we should get your hash-tag on board with ours.
Kyle,"M-Ah, I'd love to."
Bill Cosby,Great! I'll go right now and tell them you're on board. We've gotta do this quickly!
Kyle,Uh okay! No problem!
Bill Cosby,"This holiday special is gonna bring families together again, son!"
Kyle,"Uh thanks, Mr. Cosby!"
Bill Cosby,Happy Holidays!
Det. Harris,"Mr. Marsh, forgive me if I say your story sounds a little farfetched. You're saying that these people who what you killed are entertainment producers?"
Randy,"Yes, they made a copy of me and they don't want me around anymore. They're about to do something big, and they need famous artists to be controlled for it."
Officer 1,Who's the famous artist?
Randy,"Me! Oh right, I forgot to tell you that part. I'm actually Lorde."
Det. Harris,You're Lorde.
Sharon,"The nineteen year old pop star. It's true, that's him."
Officer 1,You mean the girl who just showed her asshole on Jimmy Fallon?
Randy,No! That was a copy of me!
Officer 2,Right. The thing that I jacked off to was you! Huh!
Randy,"Look, I don't know what they're up to, but these people have something much darker planned!"
Officer 3,Detective Harris! Sir! We've got a problem!
Det. Harris,"What is it, Adams?"
Adams,We've arrested a black man who was snooping around the old Jefferson estate!
Det. Harris,Did you choke him?
Adams,Yes!
Det. Harris,Did you shoot him?
Adams,YES!
Det. Harris,So what's the problem?
Adams,"He... appears to be just a hologram, sir."
MJ's Hologram,"Naw, it's ignorant! You don't understand! We have to stop them! Heee hee!"
Det. Harris,Oh my God. Are you sure that hologram is black??
Kyle,"Dude, what are you doing?!"
Stan,Trying to find my dad. He's supposed to take me to the board game store.
Kyle,"They picked up my hash tag, Stan! I'm trending!"
Stan,Who did?
Kyle,"These producers making a big holiday special!  They had me upload a video for a commercial they're about to air! They said my hash tag was awesome, and they wanted to promote it!"
Stan,"That's a little strange, isn't it?"
Kyle,"No, it's great! It's just what this country needs right now!"
Announcer,"From the producers of Women Of Rock Live and The Rockefeller Tree Lighting Ceremony, it's the holiday television event of the season! With appearances by  Al Pacino  Iggy Azalea  J.J. Watt  Miley Cyrus  U2  Angelina Jolie  Bill Cosby and Taylor Swift  A hologram of Elvis Presley  Kurt Cobain's hologram  The hologram of Robin Williams  Tom Hanks, Lorde  First Lady Michelle Obama  And Michael Jackson's hologram as Peter Pan."
MJ's hologram,I'm flying! Hee dah dada dat dih
Announcer,And featuring live commentary the entire show by CartmanBrah.
Cartman,"CartmaaanBrah! Dude, check it out. Lady Gaga is singing Christmas songs. Isn't she a Jew?"
Announcer,There's something for every generation to bring families together.
Kyle,"Please, tune in and help get America's families back in the living room."
Cartman,He's such a douchebag.
Announcer,It's all live and it's all magical. It's the Washington Redskins Go Fuck Yourself Holiday Special.
Cartman,Now we're talkin'!
Kyle,That son of a bitch!
Stan,That self-promoting asshole!
Kyle,Why would he do this?!
Stan,Because my dad's an idiot!
Kyle,"Not your dad, Cartman! What's your dad got to do with this?!"
Stan,"Nnnothing, nothing."
Cartman,"Ehey hey, how's it going bros? This is CartmaaanBrah! And it looks like we're in the producer's office in Los Angeles now."
Exec. 1,"So far the holiday special is trending fine, but it appears that the Michael Jackson hologram is the most heavily tweeted."
Record Producer,And we still have no idea where the damned hologram is?
Ron,"Not yet, but Tupac is close to hunting him down."
Cartman,"Look at that guy. He's like 40, but he's got a Justin Bieber haircut."
Record Producer,"We got one shot at this, people! This  has to be the holiday special to end all holiday specials!"
Ron,"Sir, I get that you brought this YouTube commentator in because he's popular with the younger kids, but now he's trying to tell us what the show should be called??"
Record Producer,He's got his finger on the pulse of young America.
Exec. 2,"Sir, I'm pretty sure that  ""Washington Redskins Go Fuck Yourself Holiday Special"" is not a good name."
Cartman,"No, it's not good, it's fuckin' awesome!"
Ron,"If I may be frank, sir, I think you're giving this kid a little too much power!"
Cartman,"I can hear you, douchebag."
Record Producer,"People, you know what we're trying to do here.  We're trying to finally create entertainment that reaches the younger generation, that unites the young with the old. That means being hip, being now."
Cartman,These guys are such blumpkin catchers.
Record Producer,"There, you see that? ""Blumpkin catchers."" Do any of you even know what that means? This kid is our way to connect with the youth of America, and I'm gonna give him all the power he needs."
Cartman,G'dang g'dang! G'dang g'dang g'dank!
Officer 4,"What about this, sir? Burnt sienna?"
Det. Harris,"He's not a Native American, damnit! That's obvious!"
Officer 1,"I'll, I'll put it in the report he's Mylar brown."
Det. Harris,That isn't even close! We have to be able to prove that hologram is a light-skinned black guy!
Randy,"Mr. Jackson, it's me, Lorde."
MJ's hologram,"Who? Lorde? You're not Lorde, that's ignorant."
Randy,Please. Do you know what's going on here? What are the producers trying to do?
MJ's hologram,They're gonna make a big holiday special. They've got holograms and YouTube commentators and live tweeting and it's ignorant! It's gonna be the most ignorant holiday special ever!
Randy,A holiday special. Oh my God.
MJ's hologram,It's directed at children! We have to stop them!
Officer 4,Huh how about we say he's mixed race?
Det. Harris,"As long as Adams only choked the black half, I think it's okay."
Randy,I should have known. Bastards always talked about a day when social media and entertainment would be fused as one! I didn't know they meant a Christmas special!  Can you help me stop them?!
MJ's hologram,Yes. We have to reach the children. It's our only hope.
Randy,Then we'll do it together. I love children just as much as you do.
MJ's hologram,ALLEGEDLY!  THAT WAS A CIVIL SUIT AND THERE WAS NO EVIDENCE!  It's ignorant.
Kyle,Mom?! Where is Ike?!
Sheila,Oh Kyle! Your hash tag is really trending. I saw the commercial.
Kyle,That's not what I was trending! They took my hash tag and they raped it! Where is Ike?!
Sheila,He's upstairs playing with all his friends.
PewDiePie,"Oh my God, that's the ugliest..."
Kyle,"Ike! You are no longer to watch that stupid little YouTube blogging asshole! Do you understand?! You damn kids following these YouTube commentators is bad enough, but i will not have them invading my living room!"
Kid 2,Old people are so funny.
Conner,They really just don't get it.
Kid 3,And they smell like soap.
Stan,"We're not old people! You guys are just into lame, vulgar crap, and it needs to be stopped!"
Kid 4,"Careful Grandpa, you might crap your Depends!"
Kyle,WE'RE NOT BEING GRANDPAS!
Stan,"Yeah, you damn kids!"
PewDiePie,...that's the lamest...
Det. Harris,"Okay, okay, so we're agreeing the hologram is black. So the question is, if he's black, then how come we couldn't choke him?"
Front Desk Officer,Can I help you?  Eh-excuse me. Can I help you?  Sir? A black guy walked into the police station!
Det. Harris,"Heh, uh huh?"
Front Desk Officer,"Well a, a black guy walked into the police station."
Det. Harris,"Yeah? Wait. Mitchell, listen to this one.  Start over: what's the setup?"
Front Desk Officer,"There's this black guy, walked into the police station."
Mitchell,"Oh yeah, I think I've heard it, but go ahead."
Front Desk Officer,"No, really, a black guy walked into the-!"
Mitchell,"Ohhh ya ya ya? ""We set who free?"""
Front Desk Officer,"No no, a black guy literally walked into the police station!"
Det. Harris,"Oh, it's a new one.  Aw, shit! Look out!"
Officer 4,It's a black guy! Choke him!
Det. Harris,Shoot him!
Officer 4,Shoot him and then choke him!
MJ's hologram,He's here to kill us! Run!! Heee heee!
Kyle,"Cartman, open this door right now!"
Cartman,"Hahaha, look at kyle, brahs. he's all pissed off. CartmaanBrah!"
Kyle,What the hell are you doing?!
Cartman,"What's it look like I'm doing? I'm trending, Kyle. I'm trending more than I ecer thought possible."
Kyle,Come out here and talk to me face to face! Open this door!
Cartman,How do you even know I'm here in my room?
Kyle,"Because you just said, ""here in my room""!"
Cartman,"...Very impressive, Kyle. But the holiday special is beginning soon. I'm afraid I can't let there be any distractions.  You will find that my door has been sealed with a 3/4 inch plywood and a polymer-metal alloy secured with drewall screws."
Stan,"Cartman, please! We have to stop this show! Lorde is going to do something horrible and corrupt little girls everywhere!"
Cartman,Why does that matter?
Stan,"Because Lorde is my dad, alright?!  Lorde is my dad."
Cartman,What?
Kyle,"What are you talking about, Stan?"
Stan,He does it all with computers and processors... He got discovered on the Internet. He's like the PewDiePie of music. And he played live last week. Rubbed his clit and started trending more than ever. I thought he had learned his lesson... but it's like he doesn't care.
Cartman,"Sorry guys, I gotta go. The world needs CartmanBrah."
Kyle,"Why didn't you tell me, Stam? I would've helped."
Stan,It just all seemed so... stupid.
Kyle,I'll call the producers of the show. They'll help you find your dad.
Sharon,See if it started!
Randy,"We don't really use this thing anymore.  It hasn't started yet! Alright, Sharon, get on your computer upstairs! Mr. Jackson, you can take the one in my son's room! We've got to tell people the truth!"
Sharon,"Randy, what about Shelley?"
Randy,Oh my God...
MJ's hologram,Shelley? who's Shelley? That's ignorant.
Randy,My daughter... She has no idea that I'm Lorde... I can't let her find out from the Internet. I have to tell her the truth before we all tell the world.
Sharon,How are you going to tell her that the singer she's idolized has been you?
Randy,I guess... one step at a time.
Randy,"Shelley? Um, I'm Lorde.  All the music you've really been into has been me. Nobody in the family knew except for your mother. And your brother, and your grandpa. But Michael Jackson's hologram is here and we're going to set the record straight, Okay? Love you. Whew, that was hard."
Sharon,RANDY?!
Sharon,It's started.
Announcer,"And now, Nabisco and Dolly Madison present, The Washington Redskins Go Fuck Yourself Holiday Special!"
Announcer,"And now, live via hologram, it's Kurt Cobain."
Cartman,"Oh, this should be good."
Kurt's hologram,"Up on the housetop, reindeer pawsOut jumps good ole Santa Claus"
Cartman,I'm sure this is exactly how Kurt Cobain would want to be remembered.
Kurt's hologram,"Down through the chimney with lots of toysAll for the little ones, girls and boys Ho ho ho, who wouldn't goYeh-he-he-eah who wouldn't go Up on the housetop clickity click click Down through the chimney with good St. Nick?"
Cartman,"Hoh, this should get some comments."
Ron,Stand by on camera 4. Boost the live Twitter feed. Aaand cue the hash tag! How are we trending?
Controller 1,Trending at 64% and steady.
Ron,"We're trending at 64%, sir."
Record Producer,Excellent. I'm just about to deal with our last order of business now.
Kyle,"Thanks for seeing us, sir. My friend is really worried about his dad."
Record Producer,"No no, thank you!  If you hadn't called, I... wouldn't know what I know now."
Stan,"Um, l-look ih if I could just talk to him real quick? I wanna try and stop him from making an ass of himself again."
Record Producer,It's me. I've got somethin' you might be interested in.
Randy,"I don't think so, you son of a bitch!"
Record Producer,"I've got your son here, Lorde. If you don't cooperate, he dies."
Stan,What??
Randy,Stanley?! YOU LEAVE HIM OUT OF THIS!
Sharon,"Randy, where are you going?!"
Randy,THEY'VE GOT STAN! JUST STAY HERE WITH MICHAEL JACKSON!  SHIT!!
Det. Harris,"All right, listen up! We believe this is where the black people are! They're holograms, so we can't choke them or shoot them, so stand by till we figure out what the hell to do!"
Officer 5,Sir! You'd better see this!  There's something new trending! #copscantgoaroundchokingblackpeople.
Det. Harris,"We know we can't, but we're trying to! Jesus, tell them we're workiing on it!"
Officer 6,"No, sir, I I think they mean we shouldn't. Like we're racist or something."
Det. Harris,What?! We're not racists.
Peterson,"Sir, we've got confirmation. There's two black guys in the upstairs of the house!"
Det. Harris,"Uh huh, go ahead."
Peterson,Two black guys. One of them is threatening the other one.
Det. Harris,"Yehah? Hang on! Mitch!  Two black guys in the upstairs of the house. One of them is threatening the other one.  Okay, go ahead."
Announcer,"And now, together at last, Iggy Azalea and Elvis."
Cartman,"Oh bros, weak!"
Elvis' Hologram,Have a jolly holly Christmas
Iggy's Ass,It's the best time of the pfffffffft.
Elvis' Hologram,I don't know if there'll be snowbut have a cup of
Iggy's Ass,Pfffffffft
Cartman,"Oh weak, bros, so weak!"
Controller 2,It's incredible! I've never seen trending like this!
Ron,We're trending well?
Controller 1,We're barely trending at all. But #ihatecartmanbrah is trending off the charts!
Controller 2,He's right. ihatecartmanbrah is trending at 96% and climbing.
Ron,That's impossible.
Kyle,How can you be willing to kill people for a holiday special? What's wrong with you?
Record Producer,"It was five years ago that I... became a grandpa. At first it was wonderful. I wanted to show my grandson everything. Teach him all about the entertainment business. One day I aasked him, ""Who's your favorite celebrity?"" You know what he said to me? He said, ""PeewwDiePie."" I had no idea who  he was talking about. So I looked it up. And he was this insignificant little game blogger from Sweden who my grandson thought was a god! No matter who else I tried to impress him with, he would just say, ""Meh."" To me! MEH!  What the hell is wrong with these kids today?? With this special, we will assimilate this generation's culture into ours! MAKE THEM APPRECIATE REAL ENTERTAINMENT, DAMNIT!"
Stan,Dude. You're such a grandpa.
Record Producer,I AM NOT A GRANDPAAA!
Taylor,Well I guess it's time to leave.
Bill's hologram,Oh but it's snowin' out dere.
Taylor,Yeah but I need to get home.
Bill's hologram,But it's snowin' out dere.
Taylor,I really should go
Bill's hologram,Oh what's the hurry?
Taylor,"Say, what's in this drink?"
Bill's hologram,That's just some J-E-L-L-O.
Taylor,The holidays are comin'-
Dad,This is the oddest holiday special I've ever seen.
Mom,Maybe we should turn it off.
Cartman,"Oh wow, where are we now, brahs?  This looks pretty stupid."
Dad,What the heck?
Cartman,CartmaanBrah!
Dad,This damn TV! What is that window doing outside the holiday special?!
Mom,Call customer service.
Steve,Panasonic customer service. How can I help you?
Dad,"Yeah, we've got a commenter window in our living room. How do I get rid of that?"
Steve,Ohhhh yes yes yes yes. Many people are calling about this. We have NO idea what's going on. Have I answered all your questions in a timely manner?
Cartman,"Oho, looks like we've reached customer service, brahs. Now we can truly be everywhere!"
Ron,This isn't part of the holiday special! What is he doing?!
Controller 2,He's trending more than we ever thought possible.!
Cartman,"Yes, with every passing second I become more powerful."
Det. Harris,"Okay! Okay, okay okay okay. Go ahead."
Peterson,"So, then, the first black guy said to the second black guy, ""Don't shoot me. I'm on your side."""
Det. Harris,"Okay! Okay. Okay. Hold on.  Okay, go ahead."
Peterson,"And then the, the the tattooed black guy said, to him, ""I ain't gonna kill you, man. You're the King of Pop. Let's go cap that whitey producer."""
Det. Harris,Oh God! Stop! Stop! Stop!
Cartman,"Happy holidays, everyone!  Enjoy the rest of your lives with CartmanBrah."
Record Producer,"Damn it, you're ruining the show!"
Cartman,"Of course I am. This isn't about you. This is about CartmanBrah, brah."
Kyle,I am so confused.
Record Producer,Shut him down!'
Ron,"We can't, sir!"
Cartman,"I am trending so much that soon I will reach... trendscendence. Like Johnny Dep, but cool."
Stephen,I'm confused. Why this holiday special and what is it?
Cartman,It's all CartmanBrah now.  I am trending into something more than human. I am becoming... transgender.  Now they will HAVE to give my my own bathroom!
Record Producer,"This is not what I hired you for! I CONTROL TALENT, DAMNIT!"
MJ's hologram,There he is! That's the ignorant man!
Record Producer,This is crazy and everyone is watching everything!
Kyle,"Everyone is watching everything.  Ike?  Ike, if you can hear me, I'm sorry. I have been a grandpa.  I didn't understand the things you are into and I and I thought you should like the same stuff that I did.  I have to accept that you're gonna have your own things. I just didn't want you to watch HIM. I just... I just wanna be a family again."
Kid 4,"Oh, I feel bad for the little guy."
Conner,There's nothing sadder than a old man crying.
Kid 3,Maybe we should help
Ike,Yeah!
Kid 2,Okay.
Kyle,Help? How can you help?
Kid 2,It's the holiday season. We just need to get everyone to believe again.
Conner,"Yeah, someone can come change all this. You know who."
Kyle,Really? That's what you guys would do?
Conner,Of course! We just need to get everyone to believe in him. He'll always come and help. #webelieveinyou
Kyle,"Oh my God, you're right! You're totally right!! EVERYONE! GET A NEW TREND GOING! FAST! #webelieveinyou!"
MJ's hologram,We believe in you. Of course!
Kyle,You too! Right now! #webelieveinyou! We've got to make him appear!
Cartman,Hey! What's going on? What is that?
PewDiePie,How's it goin' bros? This is PewDiePie!
Cartman,What the hell?!
Kids,PewDiePie!
Kyle,PewDiePie?!
PewDiePie,"Thanks for all the shoutouts. I guess there's some little fat kid trying to be me, so let's check it out."
Cartman,"Ey! Get out of here, PewDiePie! This is MY holiday special!"
PewDiePie,"God damn it, get out of here!"
Cartman,"Uh, everyone, tweet now if you wanna get rid of PewDiePie!"
PewDiePie,"This show is getting kind of boring, bros. What do you say we change it out to something more exciting?"
Cartman,Please show your support for CartmanBrah brah right now by uh...
PewDiePie,I know! Let's play Call of Duty!
Cartman,No! You can't do this!
PewDiePie,"Ohhh yeah! This is more like it, bros!"
Cartman,"God damn it, who the hell do you think you are?! If you don't stop right now-!"
PewDiePie,"Okay, that little fat kid is getting annoying. Let's get rid of him!"
Cartman,NOOOO!
PewDiePie,"Oh yeah! Way better, bros! This is how we do it in Sweden! BOOM head shot! BOOM head shot!"
Kyle,"Well, I finally got my family to use the living room for an hour each night."
Stan,"I'm still really confused, dude. I have no idea what that was about."
Kyle,"Yeah. I guess that's the point. I don't think we're gonna understand. Maybe this IS all the beginning of a new art form. YouTube celebrities are only getting bigger. And what's great is that these people are inventing themselves, instead of being marketed and shoved down our throats."
Stan,Yeah.
Kyle,"No matter what we think, it's not just a passing trend. We need to realize that the new generation of entertainment is here.  And I, think that's great."
Stan,"Yeah, I think that's great too."
PewDiePie,"Alright bros, it look like we'll have to end it there. I wanna thank South Park for being in my show. I hope you bros enjoyed watching, and as always, stay awesome!"
PewDiePie,Oh! That's it bros. Show's over.
Character,Line
Boys,"School day, school day, teacher's golden ru..."
Kyle,"Ah, damn it! My little brother's trying to follow me to school again."
Ike,Zeeponanner.
Kyle,"Ike, you can't come to school with me."
Cartman,"Yeah, go home you little dildo."
Kyle,"Dude, don't call my brother a dildo!"
Stan,What's a dildo?
Kyle,"Well, I don't know...  and I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either!"
Cartman,I know what it means!
Kyle,"Well, what?"
Cartman,I'm not telling you.
Stan,"What's a dildo, Kenny?"
Kenny,(It's a giant stick that goes inside the mom's vagina)
Cartman,"He-yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is all right!  Ow!"
Stan,"Dude, that kicks ass!"
Kyle,"Yeah, check this one out. Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!"
Ike,Don't kick the baby.
Kyle,Kick the baby.
Stan,"Whoa, Cartman! Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night."
Cartman,That's 'cause I was having these... bogus nightmares.
Kyle,Really? What about?
Cartman,"Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed...  in the dark, when all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room.  Then slowly my bedroom door begin to open,  and the next thing I remember, I was being drug through a hallway.  Then I was lying on a table,  and these scary hands wanted to operate on me. And they had big heads and big black eyes..."
Stan,Dude! Visitors!
Kyle,Totally!
Cartman,What?
Stan,"That wasn't a dream Cartman, those were visitors!"
Cartman,"No, it was just a dream, my mom said so."
Stan,Visitors are real.
Kyle,"Yeah, they abduct people and they mutilate cows."
Cartman,"Oh, shut up guys! You're just trying to make me scared. And it's not working."
Chef,"Hello there, children."
Boys,"Hey, Chef."
Stan,"What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?"
Chef,"Well, today it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles and a choice of green bean casserole or vegetable medley."
Cartman,Kick ass.
Chef,"Say, did any of you children see the alien space ship last night?"
Cartman,Huh?
Kyle,"Yeah, fat boy saw it!"
Cartman,"Eh, no, that, that was just a dream. And I'm not fat, I'm big boned!"
Chef,"Oh, was it the ones with the big long heads and the black eyes?"
Cartman,Oh!
Stan,They took him on their ship.
Chef,Oh! Did they give you an anal probe?
Cartman,Oh!
Kyle,What's an anal probe?
Chef,That's when they put a big metal hooba-jube up yo' butt.
Kyle,Whoa! They gave you an anal probe Cartman?
Cartman,"No! Uh-I mean, eh, why would they do that?"
Stan,"Dude, they did, huh? Aliens stuck stuff up your ass!"
Cartman,No!
Ike,Eneh probe
Cartman,"Shut up, dildo!"
Chef,"Well, I gotta get to the cafeteria. You children watch that fat boy now. He could be under alien control."
Cartman,Oh!
Kyle,We told you they were real Cartman. Sorry to hear about your ass.
Cartman,"God damn it, they didn't do anything to my ass! It was just a dream!"
Kyle,Why are you walkin' so funny Cartman?
Cartman,Shut up!
Ike,Oh foonuh bebe.
Kyle,"No, Ike, go home."
Ike,Eeeeee!
Kyle,This is it. This one's for the game.
Ike,Purplor.
Kyle,Kick the baby!
Student,Good one!
Stan,"Good morning, Miss Crabtree."
Ms. Crabtree,Sit down! We're runnin' late!
Kyle,"Damn it, he's still there."
Stan,"Oh, don't worry about him."
Kyle,"No, dude, if something happens to him, my parents are gonna blame me."
Ms. Crabtree,Sit down back there! Arrrggghhh!!
Kyle,Ike! Go home!
Ms. Crabtree,I said '''sit dowwwwn!'''
Stan,"Yeah, whatever, ya fat bitch."
Ms. Crabtree,What did you say?
Stan,I said I have a bad itch.
Ms. Crabtree,Oh.
Kyle,"Oh, my God!"
Stan,Visitors!
Kenny,(Oh nooo!)
Kyle,"Ike!  Stop the bus! Miss Crabtree, you have to stop this bus!"
Ms. Crabtree,"Sit down, kid!"
Kyle,But I have to get off!
Ms. Crabtree,Do you want an office referral?
Kyle,No.
Ms. Crabtree,Then sit down!
Kyle,But I...
Ms. Crabtree,Arrgghhh!
Kyle,Arrghh!
"Kyle, Ms. Crabtree",Arrrggghhh!
Stan,"Cartman, are those the same visitors you saw?"
Cartman,"Shut up you guys, it's not working."
Kyle,"I'm in big trouble, you guys! We have to do something!"
Stan,"Well, we can't do anything for now, that fat bitch won't let us."
Ms. Crabtree,What did you say?
Stan,"Uh, I said that rabbits eat lettuce."
Ms. Crabtree,"Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do."
Kyle,What am I going to do? My little brother's been abducted by aliens.  You farted.
Cartman,Somebody's baking brownies.
Farmer Carl,This is the third cow this month. At this rate all of my cattle are gonna die before the winter's through.
Officer Barbrady,This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time.
Farmer Carl,People's been saying they've been seeing UFO's around.
Officer Barbrady,UFO's?
Farmer Carl,"Yeah, and black army CIA helicopters and trucks."
Officer Barbrady,That is the silliest thing I've ever heard.
Farmer Carl,What was that?
Officer Barbrady,"That, that was a pigeon."
Farmer Carl,"What am I supposed to do, Barbrady? Just stand here and watch my cattle get mutilated one by one?  Hey! My cattle!  You see? There is somethin' funny goin' on!"
Officer Barbrady,There's nothing funny going on. I'll get those cows back.
Mr. Garrison,"And now children, our friend, Mr. Hat, is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus."
Mr. Hat,"That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Fredrick Douglass and a freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France. And then in 1492..."
Kyle,"Oh, man. I can't just sit here, I have to help my stupid brother, or I'll come home without him and my dad will start yelling, ""Where's your brother, Kyle?"" ""You weren't looking out for your little brother, Kyle?"""
Stan,"Okay, okay, let's ditch school and go find him."
Kyle,"""You know he can't think on his own, Kyle!"" ""Brush and floss, Kyle!"" ""Where has that finger been, Kyle?"""
Stan,Dude!
Mr. Garrison,"Is there a problem, boys?"
Kyle,"Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, really, Kyle? What is it this time? Another prostate tumor?"
Kyle,"No, my little brother's been abducted by aliens.  It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave him an anal probe."
Cartman,"Heh, heh, that's a, that's, that's a little joke. Heh, heh."
Kyle,"Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go. Can I please be excused from class?"
Mr. Garrison,"I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat?"
Kyle,"I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you!"
Mr. Garrison,Oh I think you should ask Mr. Hat.
Kyle,"Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?"
Mr. Hat,"Well, Kyle, no!! You hear me?! You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!"
Mr. Garrison,"Hmm, guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle."
Kyle,Damn it!
Cartman,"Hah, hah. Mr. Hat yelled at you.  Ow! My ass!"
Kyle,Dude!
Stan,"Damn, Cartman!"
Cartman,Uh... Ow! My ass!
Kyle,"Dude, he's farting fire!"
Stan,It's the alien anal probe. It's shooting fire from Cartman's rectum!
Cartman,"No, that was just a dream."
Mr. Garrison,"Eric, do you need to sit in the corner until your flaming gas is under control?"
Cartman,"No, Mr. Garrison, I'm fine."
Train Conductor,"Hey, you cows can't get on this train! This is a people train. You cows have no business on a people train, all right? 'Cause you're cows.  No, no, no. Don't try any of that cow hypnosis on me, all right? 'Cause it's not gonna work."
Officer Barbrady,"Hold it right there, cows!  Come back here! Now then!"
Kid,So then I had...
Jason,"Ya, seriously, killer."
Cartman,"Oh!! Whoa, I sure am hungry."
Stan,How can you eat when you're farting fire?
Cartman,"Shut up, dude, you're being totally immature."
Kyle,"Hey, look, there's Wendy Testaburger."
Stan,Where?
Cartman,Stan wants to ki-iss Wendy Testabur-ger
Stan,"Shut up, fat ass! I don't even like her!"
Cartman,I'm not fat. And you obviously like her because you throw up every time she talks to you.
Stan,I do not!
Wendy,"Hi, guys."
"Kyle, Cartman","Hi, Wendy."
Wendy,"Here, Stan. This is for you."
Stan,Bleech!
Wendy,Eww!
"Kyle, Cartman","Bye, Wendy."
Kyle,"Dude, what does the note say?"
Stan,Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school.
Kyle,Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman,Or slip her the tongue.
Kenny,"(Or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her.)"
Stan,What? How do you know she has a cat?
Kyle,"Come on you guys, we need to figure out how to get out of school so we can get my little brother back."
Chef,"Hello there, children."
Boys,"Hey, Chef."
Chef,How are you doing?
Kyle,Bad.
Chef,Why bad?
Kyle,"Chef, have you ever had something happen to you, but nobody believed you?"
Chef,"Oh, children, children, that's a problem we've all had to face at some time or another. Here, let me sing you a little song. It might clear things up.I'm gonna make love to ya womanGonna lay ya down by the fireAnd caress your womanly bodyMake ya moan and perspireGonna--"
Stan,"Uh, Chef."
Chef,--get those juices flowin'--
Stan,Chef.
Chef,--we're makin' love gravy--
Stan,Chef!
Chef,"--love gravy, lovelovelovelovelove gravih!"
Stan,Chef!!
Chef,Love luh-- Huh?  Do you feel better?
Kyle,No!
Chef,"Oh, come on children, what could be so bad? It's Salisbury steak day."
Stan,Visitors took Kyle's baby brother.
Chef,"What?!  What the hell do you think you're doing in school eatin' Salisbury steak?! Go find him, damn it!"
Kyle,Mr. Garrison won't let us out of school. He thinks we're making it up.
Cartman,You are making it up.
Stan,Whoa!
Cartman,What?
Kyle,That was cool!
Chef,"It's uh some kind of symbiotic, metamorphosis device.  This could mean the visitors want to communicate with us."
Cartman,"Oh, I see. Now you're going to join in on the little joke huh?"
Chef,"It's no joke, children, this is big!"
Kyle,"Please, Chef, if I don't get out of school and get my little brother back from the aliens, my parents are gonna disown me."
Chef,"Uuh, hold on now, hold on now.  Uhyouyouyou gotta help the children."
Cartman,"Oh, you guys sure are going a long ways to try and scare me. I want my Salisbury steak!"
Chef,"Fire drill! Fire drill! Everybody out!  Okay children, this is your chance!"
Stan,"Killer! Thanks, Chef."
Chef,"Mahahahahan oh man, first contact with the alien visitors. I've got to get myself ready."
Boys,We got out of schoolNo more school todayWe got out of school...
Cartman,"Oh!! You guys, my ass, seriously..!"
Stan,"Okay, Cartman, you can stop farting fire now."
Cartman,"I would if I could, you son of a bitch!"
Kyle,"Okay, so how do we get my little brother back?"
Cartman,"Uh—Would you stop going on about your little brother? I know it was just a dream, I know I didn't have an anal probe, and I know that I'm not under alien control! I love to singaAbout the moona and June-a and the springaI love to singaAbout a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a..."
Stan,What the hell was that?
Kyle,He is under alien control. That thing in his butt is linked up to the visitors!
Cartman,"Ah, son of a bitch!"
Cartman,"You guys, shut up. I'm not under alien control."
Kyle,Hey!
Cartman,Uh...
Kyle,If you visitors can hear me-
Cartman,Hey...
Kyle,"-bring me back my little brother, God damnit!"
Cartman,"Ow!  That hurts, you buttlicker!"
Stan,"Kyle, look! It's them."
Kyle,Give me back my brother!
Stan,Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!
Kyle,"You bastards! Come back here! Coomme baack!  Damn it, we were so close!"
Stan,"Hey look,  I think Kenny's okay."
Kenny,"(Don't worry, I'm alright. Argh!)"
Stan,Owww.
Kenny,"(Nope, I'm all fine. Agh!)"
Stan,"Wow, poor Kenny."
Kyle,"Now do you believe us, Cartman?"
Cartman,No!
Kyle,"Cartman, they killed Kenny!"
Cartman,He's not dead.
Stan,"Dude, Kenny is dead!  See?"
Cartman,"Shut up, you guys."
Kyle,"He's dead, Cartman!"
Cartman,"God damn it, I didn't have an anal probe!  Screw you guys, I'm goin' home."
Kyle,"Go on and go home, you fat chicken!"
Cartman,Dildo!
Kyle,"You're all I have left, Stan."
Stan,"Sorry, dude. I gotta go meet Wendy Testaburger."
Kyle,"You can't! Poor Ike must be so scared, up there all alone. You gotta help me, dude!"
Stan,"Dude, like Chef says, I've gotta get a piece of lovin' while the gettin's hot."
Kyle,Rats.
Liane,"Hello, Eric."
Cartman,"Hi, Mom."
Liane,How are you doing?
Cartman,"Well, I'm pissed off!"
Liane,"Here, I made you powdered donut pancake surprise."
Cartman,I don't want powdered donut pancake surprise. All the kids at school call me fat!
Liane,"You're not fat, you're big boned."
Cartman,That's what I said.
Liane,"You can have an eensy weensy bit, can't you?"
Cartman,No!
Liane,Just a weensy geensy woo woo?
Cartman,"No, Mom, leave me alone!"
Liane,"How about a nice chocolate chicken pot pie, then?"
Cartman,"What? Well, that does sound pretty good.  Uh, Mom?"
Liane,"Yes, hon?"
Cartman,"If anybody calls or comes over, I'm not here, okay?"
Liane,"Sure, hon. You want some Cheesy Poofs, too?"
Cartman,"Yeah, I want Cheesy Poofs."
Kyle,"Well, it looks like she's not going to show up, Stan. Let's go look for the visitors now."
Stan,But her note said she'd be here.
Wendy,"Hi, Stan."
Stan,Bleech!
Wendy,Eww!
Kyle,"You can't talk to Stan, Wendy. He throws up when you do."
Wendy,"But why, Stan?"
Stan,Bleech!
Wendy,Eww!
Kyle,"Look, can you guys just get down to business so we can go find my little brother?"
Wendy,Huh?
Kyle,Just make sweet love down by the fire.
Wendy,What happened to your little brother?
News Reporter,"As the reports of UFO sightings increase, more mysterious crop circle patterns are appearing in fields all around South Park. These crop circles, when viewed from above, form strange patterns."
Cartman,"Hey, that kind of looks like... Tom Selleck."
News Reporter,"Could it be that aliens are trying to make contact with us, here on Earth?"
Mr. Kitty,Meow.
Cartman,"No, Kitty, this is mah pot pie."
Mr. Kitty,Meow.
Cartman,"No, Kitty, you bad kitt--!"
Mr. Kitty,Meow.
Cartman,"No, Kitty, it's mah pot pie!  Mom! Kitty's being a dildo!"
Liane,"Well, then. I know a certain kitty-kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight."
Cartman,What?
Kyle,...and now I have to go home without him and my parents are going to have me killed.
Wendy,"Well, why don't you go get the fat kid?"
Kyle,Why?
Wendy,"Well, if the fat kid has something implanted in his ass, maybe the visitors are using him as part of their plan. Maybe you should use the fat kid as bait to bring them back."
Kyle,"Hey. You're right, Wendy. Come on, Stan, we have to go get Cartman."
Wendy,"Come on, Stan."
Stan,Bleech!
Wendy,Eww!
Stan,"Hey, wait. When do I get to make sweet love?"
Mr. Kitty,Meow.
Cartman,"No, Kitty, you can't have any!"
Mr. Kitty,Meow.
Cartman,"No, Kitty, this is mah pot pie! Bad Kitty--!  Eh, 'scuse me, Kitty."
Liane,"Eric, look who's here."
Cartman,"Dude, weak mom."
Kyle,"Come on Eric, we can go play at the bus stop."
Cartman,"I can't, my mom said..."
Liane,"That's okay, Eric, I think you need to go spend time with your little friends."
Cartman,"But mom, I don't want to spend time with my little friends--"
Liane,"Don't be difficult, Eric! Now, you go out and play in the fun snow."
Cartman,God damn it!
Cartman,"You guys, I have to get home."
Stan,"Don't be such a fraidy cat, Cartman. This rope will make sure they can't take you on board again."
Cartman,"Oh, man, this sucks."
Kyle,How come the visitors aren't coming for him?
Stan,I think we have to signal them somehow.
Cartman,Ow!
Wendy,"Hey, he's like Rudolph."
Kyle,"Yeah! All you have to do is fart some more, Cartman, and the visitors are sure to come!"
Cartman,"Really? Uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight."
Kyle,Sure you do!
Stan,"Come on Cartman, fart!"
Cartman,I don't wanna.
Stan,He can't hold it in forever.
Kyle,"Fart, damn you!"
Cartman,"Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?!  I'm sick of it! It's completely immature."
Stan,"Hey, it's happening again."
Kyle,"Whoa, look at that."
Stan,"Now, do you believe this, Cartman?"
Cartman,You guys can't scare me! I know you're making it all up.
Stan,"Cartman, there's a 80-foot satellite dish sticking out of your ass!"
Cartman,"Sure, you guys, what-ever."
Chef,"Oh, boy. The aliens are going to make first contact. Hey, down here, we are ready for your wisdom!  And you've only got 20 minutes before Sanford and Son is on."
Cartman,"You guys, I am seriously getting pissed off right now! I know there is no such things as aliens!  Oh, God damn it!"
Mr. Garrison,"What the? I tell you, there's some crazy stuff going on in this town."
Mr. Hat,"You can say that again, Mr. Garrison."
Kyle,"Come down here, you stinking aliens!  Uh, uh..."
Stan,"Go on, Kyle, ask 'em for your little brother back."
Kyle,"Vi, Visitors, this morning you took my little brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned something today. That having a little brother... is a pretty special thing."
Stan,Yeah.
Kyle,"Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again."
Stan,"That was beautiful, dude."
Kyle,Did it work?
Stan,"No, they're leaving."
Kyle,"Hey, you scrawny-eyed shithead, what the fuck is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of fucking asshole to be able to ignore a crying child!"
Stan,"Whoa, dude!"
Kyle,You know what you assholes like! You like to fuck! And shit! And fuck! And fuck! And fuck! And fuck!
Stan,"Hey Wendy, what's a dildo?"
Ike,Help me doy tair.
Kyle,"Ike, jump down, now! For the love of God, Ike, jump!"
Ike,Don't hurt me.
Alien,"Moo... Moo...Moo...Moo... (Greetings, cows of Earth. We come in peace.)"
Cows,Moo?? (Really??)
Kyle,"Come on, Ike! I promise I'll be nice to you from now on!"
Ike,Don't kick the baby.
Alien,"Moo moo, moo. Moo moo, moo. Moo. (We have experimented with all the beings of Earth, and we have learned that you are the most intelligent and wise.)"
Cartman,What the hell are they talking about?
Cow,Moo moo? (Why did you turn some of us inside out?)
Alien,"Moo moo, moo. Moo. (Oh, that was Carl's fault. He's new.)"
Alien Carl,"Moo...moo...moo. (Yeah, sorry about that. My bad!)"
Kyle,Ike!
Alien,Moo moo. Moo moo. Moo. (Take this device. It is a gift from us.)
Kyle,Ike! Do your impersonation of David Caruso's career!
Ike,It's my turn!
Aliens,"Moo moo. Moo moo. (Farewell cows, peace be with you!)"
Cartman,"You guys, get me down from here!  Ow! Help! Sons o' bitches! Dildos!"
Stan,"Phew, I'm sure glad that's over with."
Kyle,"Yeah. Boy, am I glad to see you, Ike."
Ike,"Oh, he fly out of the sky."
Chef,"Wait, where are you going, alien visitors? Come back!"
Blonde,"Well, Chef, where's this amazing thing you were going to show us."
Chef,"Well, it's in the bedroom, ladies. Come on in."
Kyle,"Come on, Ike, we can make it just in time for dinner."
Stan,"Thanks for your help, Wendy."
Wendy,"Whatever, dude."
Stan,"Hey, I didn't throw up."
Wendy,Cool!
Stan,Bleech!
Wendy,Eww!
Stan,Sorry.
Wendy,"Hey, look. A French fry."
Stan,Cool.
Wendy,And what is that?
Stan,I think it's part of a Cheesy Poof.
Wendy,"Hey, what's that?"
Stan,"That's uummm... a hamburger from... that's from, like, two days ago."
Wendy,"Hey, what about that?"
Stan,I don't know what the hell that is...
Stan,"Gee, the bus'll be here any minute, and Cartman still isn't around."
Kyle,"Yeh, we're running out of friends."
Stan,I wonder what that thing was that the visitors gave the cows.
Cows,Mooo.
Officer Barbrady,Ha ha cows! I've got you cornered. Let's see you get away now. I love to sing-aAbout the moon-a and the June-a and the Spring-aI love to sing-aAbout a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a...
Cartman,Puh!
Stan,"Oh, hey Cartman."
Kyle,"Wow Cartman, the visitors dropped you off just in time to go to school."
Cartman,"Ah, man, I had this crazy nightmare last night."
Stan,"Really, what about?"
Cartman,"Well, I was standing out in a field, and I had this huge satellite dish sticking out of my butt. And then there were... hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up on the ship and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye."
Stan,"That wasn't a dream, Cartman. That really happened."
Cartman,Alright. Why don't I have pinkeye then?
Kyle,"Cartman, you do have pinkeye!"
Cartman,"Ahh, son of a bitch!"
Kyle,"Hey Stan, did you see that rainbow this morning?"
Stan,"Yeah, it was huge."
Cartman,"Heh, I hate those things."
Kyle,Nobody hates rainbows.
Stan,"Yeah, what's there to hate about rainbows?"
Cartman,"Well, you know, you'll just be sitting there, minding your own business, and they'll come, marching in and crawl up your leg and start biting the inside of your ass, and you'll be all like, ""Hey, get out of my ass you stupid rainbows!"""
Stan,"Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?"
Cartman,"I'm talking about rainbows, I hate those friggin' things!"
Kyle,Rainbows are those little arches of color that show up during a rainstorm.
Cartman,"Ohh, rainbows. Yeah, I like those, those are cool."
Stan,What were you talking about?
Cartman,"Heh, oh, nothing, forget it."
Kyle,"No, what marches in, crawls up your leg and bites the inside of your ass?"
Cartman,Nothing..!
Mr. Garrison,"Children, children. Remember the 'Save Our Fragile Planet' essay contest that you children worked so hard on last month?  One of our very own South Park students has won the national prize."
Wendy,"Wow, I knew I would win."
Mr. Hat,"Gosh Mr. Garrison, this sure is exciting."
Mr. Garrison,"That's right Mr. Hat, the winner of the national 'Save Our Fragile Planet' contest is... Eric Cartman."
Wendy,What?
Cartman,What?
Mr. Garrison,"Congratulations Eric, on writing the award winning paper."
Cartman,Kick ass!
Stan,"That's impossible, Cartman doesn't know a rainforest from a pop tart."
Cartman,"Yeah I do, pop tarts are frosted."
Mr. Garrison,"Out of over a million papers, Eric's was chosen as the grand prize winner."
Kyle,"Wow, what did you write about Cartman?"
Cartman,"Oh, you know, this and that."
Wendy,He doesn't even know what he wrote about!
Kyle,What was your paper about Wendy?
Wendy,My paper was on the suffering of bottlenose dolphins.
Cartman,"There you see, you shouldn't have written a paper about dolphins. Dolphins are stupid."
Stan,"Dude, dolphins are like the second smartest animal on the planet."
Cartman,"Buh, hah, right, if they're so damn smart, how come they get caught in those fishing nets all the time?"
Wendy,What?
Mr. Garrison,"Wait, wait, there's more. It says here that Eric's trophy will be presented to him by...Kathie Lee Gifford."
Kyle,Kathie Lee is coming to South Park?
Mr. Garrison,And the presentation will be on national television.
"Stan, Kyle",Television!
Mr. Garrison,Kathie Lee Gifford. I don't believe it.
Mayor,Kathie Lee Gifford in South Park! Oh my God! This is our chance to make a name for ourselves; to show that we're not just some piss-ant white-bread mountain town.
Aide 1,"Better yet, it's a chance for you to get some publicity."
Mayor,"Yes! If I can show just how much I turned South Park around, I could become a Senator."
Aide 2,Maybe even a State Senator.
Aide 1,"Mayor, we should decorate the town square."
Aide 2,"Then we should have the chef of the school cafeteria sing a song, and play up the ethnic diversity of our town."
Mayor,"That's right, he's a black guy isn't he?"
Aide 1,Black as the night itself Mayor.
Mayor,Yes! And we can even have the children of South Park put on a little play. Kathie Lee loves children.
Aide 1,If they're working in a sweat-shop that is.
Aide 2,Ohhh.
Aide 1,Ouch.  Thank you.
Cartman,"You guys, guess what? After I'm on television, I'm gonna be totally famous."
Wendy,Hitler was famous too.
Chef,Hello there children.
"Kyle, Stan","Hey, Chef."
Chef,How are my little crackers today?
"Kyle, Stan",Good.
Chef,Did you all hear about the news? Kathie Lee Gifford is coming to South Park.
Stan,"Yeah, cause Cartman cheated and won the environmental essay contest."
Cartman,Hey!
Chef,Yeahyeh. Oh whatever. But the mayor just called and asked me to sing at the ceremony.
Kyle,"Wow, are you gonna do it?"
Chef,"Of course! Kathie Lee is a beautiful sultry queen of sexual fantasy. And if I sing to her, maybe I can lure her into a night of exotic delectation."
Stan,"Yeah, that'd be cool."
Kenny,"(How big's your penis, Chef?)"
Chef,"Well, three times bigger than Frank Gifford's, anyway."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, I can't even concentrate on grading papers with all this excitement.  Why are you looking at me like that Mr. Hat?"
Mr. Hat,Have you forgotten about all the pain and suffering that Kathie Lee Gifford caused you?
Mr. Garrison,"Mmm, mmm, Mr. Hat, that was a long time ago. And I was only a child."
Mr. Hat,"We could have won that talent show, we could have been huge."
Lil Mr. Garrison,"Knock knock, Mr. Hat."
Mr. Hat,Who's there?
Lil Mr. Garrison,Orange.
Mr. Hat,Orange who?
Lil Mr. Garrison,Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Mr. Hat,Thank you.
Lil Mr. Garrison,"Wow Mr. Hat, looks like we might win."
Show Announcer,"And now our last talent show finalist, Kathie Lee Epstein."
Lil Kathie Lee,"If they could see me now, that little gang of mine.I'm eating fancy chow and drinking fancy wine.I'd like those stumble bums to see for a factThe kind of top-drawer first-rate chums I attractAll I can say is, ""Wow-wee, look-a where I am.""Tonight I landed, Pow!, right in a pot of jam.What a setup! Holy Cow!They'd never believe it, if my friends could see me now!"
Mr. Garrison,"It, it wasn't fair. She had choreography. How could we compete that?"
Mr. Hat,"But now she's coming to South Park, and I know a way to make it all better."
Mr. Garrison,"How?  No, Mr. Hat, I couldn't kill Kathie Lee Gifford!"
Mayor,"Children, as you all know, Kathie Lee Gifford will be in South Park to present the award to some kid for an essay."
Cartman,That kid is me.
Mayor,"Whatever. Now, I'm going to have you luscious little youngsters do a play about the history of South Park."
Mr. Garrison,"That'll be wonderful, won't it Mr. Hat."
Mr. Hat,Kill her.
Mr. Garrison,Mr. Hat!
Mayor,"Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you to direct our little play."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, that's perfect. You see Mr. Hat, we don't have to kill her. We can just upstage her."
Wendy,"Mrs. Mayor, you might want to review the essays. We think Cartman might have cheated."
Mayor,"Who cares? Now kids, what's say we give it our South Park best.  And who's our little prize winner again?"
Cartman,Me! Eric Cartman!
Mayor,"How about we get in shape, huh? We want to look our best for the TV cameras don't we?"
Cartman,"Yes ma'am. I'm gonna be on television, I'm gonna be on television."
Cartman,"...I'm gonna be on television, I'm gonna be on television..."
Stan,"We don't believe for a minute that you won that contest fairly, fat boy."
Cartman,"Egh, stop defending your little girlfriend for writing about some stupid fish."
Stan,"Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly."
Cartman,Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.
Stan,Dolphins are way smarter than you!
Cartman,"If they're so smart, why do they live in igloos?"
Stan,"Dolphins don't live in igloos, that's eskimos!"
Cartman,"Dolphins, eskimos, who cares?! It's all a bunch of tree hugging hippie crap!"
Stan,Tell me what you wrote about!
Cartman,I can't. I have to go home and get in shape.
Stan,"Yeah, right! You'll go and sit in front of the TV and eat cheesy poofs, ass-master!"
Cartman,"Screw you, hippie!"
TV Announcer,"We'll be right back to Jesus and Pals, after this."
Beefcake,Hey!! You need to get in shape fast?! Wanna look your best?! Tired the other guys getting all the chicks?! Are you tired of being a 90 pound weakling?!
Cartman,"Yeah, I only weigh 90 pounds."
Beefcake,"Then bulk up quick, with Weight Gain 4000!!"
Cartman,Yes!
Beefcake,"With over 4,000 grams of saturated fat per serving, its patented formula is designed to enter the mouth, and go to directly to the stomach where it is distributed to the bloodstream. Now available in stores everywhere. Get some today, and say with me: 'Beefcake!'"
Cartman,Beefcake!
Beefcake,Beefcake!
Cartman,Beefcake!
Beefcake,Beefcake!
Beefcake,BEEFCAKE!
Cartman,BEEFCAKE!
Cartman,"Mom, can you get me some Weight Gain 4000?"
Mrs. Cartman,"Okay Eric, I'll get you some from the store tomorrow."
Cartman,"But mom, I need it for tomorrow."
Mrs. Cartman,But tomorrow is grocery day Eric.
Cartman,"Mm-mo-om, Ah-ee née-eed suh-ome Weight Gain Four Thousaaand! I need iiit!"
Mrs. Cartman,"Okay, okay, then. I guess I'll be going to the store now then."
Mr. Garrison,"No, no!"
Mr. Hat,Kill her.
Mr. Garrison,"No, Mr. Hat, I won't do it."
Mr. Hat,Kill!
Mr. Garrison,"That does it, you're going in the dresser drawer, Mr. Hat."
Mr. Hat,She'll make a fool of you again.
Mr. Garrison,"Well, you can just stay in that drawer Negative Nancy."
Cartman,Hey dudes.
Kyle,"What the hell is wrong with you, Cartman? Haven't you noticed the three feet of snow on the ground?"
Cartman,"Listen! I have a nice body and I want to show it off, you got that?"
Stan,What? You've got to weight 90 pounds.
Cartman,"I'm up to 94, thank you very much."
Kenny,(They're the biggest breasts that I've seen)
Kyle,"Yeah, they're almost as big as his mom's."
Cartman,"Laugh all you want, I'm the one who's gonna be on TV, looking all buff."
Stan,What's that stuff?
Cartman,"Weight Gain 4000, it's helping me bulk up."
Kyle,"Bulk up to what, fatass?"
Stan,Superfatass?
Cartman,"Hey, I don't have to take that kind of crap from you scrawny weaklings!  Eh, eh. Sweet. Check me out, I'm such a beefcake I can't even get through the door. Eh."
Mayor,"Come on people. We've got to turn this place around. Hang up the lights, string up the banners, castrate the cows!"
Cows,Mooooo?
Mayor,"Well Mr. Garrison, how is the little play going?"
Mr. Garrison,"Huh? Oh, fine. We were just about to run it from the top."
Mayor,"Oh, please do. I'm dying to see it."
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, all the little pioneers on this side of the stage.  Good. And all the little Indians go to the center of the stage ."
Clyde,"Am I an Indian, or a pioneer?"
Mr. Garrison,Do you have a feather on your head?
Clyde,Yeah.
Mr. Garrison,Then you're an Indian.
Clyde,Oh.
Mr. Garrison,"Okay Bebe, this is your line."
Bebe,This is the story of South Park. It begins over a hundred years ago. When the noble and hardy Ute Indians lived on the land.
Mayor,"Oh, don't they look adorable?"
Bebe,"Then, from the east, came the great white pioneers."
Mayor,Oh my God!
Mr. Garrison,"They did it a lot better this morning, they had more energy."
Bebe,"The pioneers met with the Indians, and negotiated for their fertile lands."
Mayor,"Mr. Garrison, we can not have our children beating each other senseless in front of Kathie Lee Gifford."
Mr. Garrison,"Well, what do you want? This is how it happened in those days."
Stan,Take that you stupid Indian!
Clyde,Dow!
Mayor,"Mr. Garrison, this is not appropriate. Do you actually think Kathie Lee Gifford would enjoy this?!?"
Mr. Garrison,"To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford!  Oh my God, what have I said?"
Townsman,"He said, ""To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford!"""
Mayor,"Mr. Garrison, I am dismissing you from directing our play."
Mr. Hat,It happened again didn't it? Now we do things my way.
Mr. Garrison,I can't kill her Mr. Hat. You're gonna have to do it.
Kyle,"Whoa, Cartman. Talk about wide load."
Cartman,"Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely."
Kyle,"You're not filling out nicely, you're fatter than ever!"
Cartman,I'm not fat! I'm getting in shape!
Kyle,"Cartman, you're such a fat ass that when you walk down the street people go ""God damn it, that's a big fat ass!"""
Cartman,"No they don't, you jealous weakling!"
Townsman,"God damn, that's a big fat ass!"
Cartman,Hey!
Wendy,Hi guys.
Cartman,"Oh look, another hippie.  Peace, Wendy."
Stan,Shut up Cartman!
Cartman,"Oooh, Two little hippies sit'n' in a tree..."
Wendy,I'm gonna find Cartman's paper and get to the bottom of this.
Jimbo,Can I help you?
Mr. Garrison,"Yes, I need a gun."
Jimbo,"Would this be for hunting, home protection, or other?"
Mr. Garrison,Other.
Jimbo,"Alrighty then! May I suggest a Stratford 12mm? Here, try it on!  That looks really nice on you. The lacquered black really matches your eyes."
Mr. Garrison,"You talkin' to me?  You talkin' to me? I don't know, it's a little small."
Jimbo,"Okay, how about this?"
Mr. Garrison,"You talkin' to me?  Hmm, no, I don't like this one either."
Jimbo,"Here's the same gun, with a wood finish."
Mr. Garrison,"You talkin' to me? I don't see anybody else around here, so you must be talkin' to me.  I'll take it!"
Wendy,"Hello?  My essay by Eric Cartman: ""When I wrote the following pages, or rather the bulk of them, I lived alone in the woods on the shore of..."""
Mr. Garrison,"Well, Mr. Hat, I guess ole Kathie Lee really will be surprised when she gets here tomorrow. She beat us in the talent show all those years ago. And I think we owe her for that. Babang!"
Wendy,Oh my God.
Townsman,"Howdy Mr. Garrison, nice gun."
Mr. Garrison,Thank you.
Townswoman,Nice gun Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison,Thanks.  Hello Officer Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady,Nice Gun.
Mr. Garrison,"Thanks. Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear shot - uh, view - of Kathie Lee."
Officer Barbrady,"Hmmmm. You know, I think the book depository would be a good bet."
Mr. Garrison,"Yes, that might do quite nicely. Thank you Officer Barbrady."
Officer Barbrady,No problem.  Hah! Caught you red handed. No Pictures of Kathie Lee.
Mayor,Where is she?
Cartman,This is sweet. Camera crews are setting up and I'm looking totally ripped. Beefcake. Beefcake!
Kyle,I don't think they're going to be able to get all of you in frame Cartman.
Wendy,"You guys, we have to stop him!"
Kyle,Stop who?
Wendy,Mr. Garrison. He's going to try to kill Kathie Lee Gifford.
Cartman,"Oh no you don't, you're not going to ruin my moment of fame."
Wendy,He's got a gun!
Cartman,"You got to get over this whole jealousy thing. Eh, seriously. Just face it, I wrote a better paper than you."
Wendy,"It just so happens that I have your paper, and I know why you won! There's something more important right now. Let's go!"
Stan,"Wendy, you got to prioritize. What's more important? Being on TV or some stupid assassination?"
Wendy,"Stan, I can't do it alone. Please?"
Kyle,"Uh oh, we're losing him."
Mayor,Here she comes.
Mr. Garrison,"Damn, I guess I'm not the only person in America who's thought of killing Kathie Lee Gifford."
Townswoman,"We love you Kathie Lee, heh heh"
Kathie Lee,"I love you, too."
Mr. Garrison,"Come on you little bitch.  You got to come out of your precious bubble sooner or later, missy."
Mayor,It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park.
Chef,"Thank you Mr. Mayor. You know Kathie Lee, you are a very special woman. I don't mean special in a Mary Tyler Moore way. Or, or special in an Extra Value Meal at Happy Burger way. Noo nononono. I mean special. Like the song of a, a humming bird as it gets ready to find that female hummingbird and make sweet love to it all night long. Just two humming birds moaning and, and groaning and, and their bodies caress and touch each other in ecstasy.Oh, Kathie Lee, how I'd love to lay you down.And lick every inch of your body with my tongue."
Mayor,What?
Chef,"Kathie Lee, you're my sexual fantasy."
Mayor,What? Oh God!
Chef,How 'bout you and me-
Mayor,"Uh, Thank you Chef, for that heartwarming song."
Chef,-get together and make... sweet... love?
Mayor,Thank you Chef!
Chef,"Oh, oh. God bless you Kathie Lee!"
Wendy,"Officer Barbrady, Mr. Garrison is about to kill Kathie Lee! We have to find him!"
Officer Barbrady,What? You mean the teacher? Wait a minute.
Mr. Garrison,"Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear shot - uh, view - of Kathie Lee."
Officer Barbrady,"Hmm, you know, I think the book depository would be a good bet—I think the book depository would be a good bet—book depository—depository—depository—depository ..."
Officer Barbrady,"Damn, he could be anywhere! I'll send out an APB!"
Stan,"Wendy, look!"
Mayor,"And now, here to present the award for the environmental essay to our own, Eric Kaufman..."
Cartman,"Cartman, God damn it."
Mayor,"...is your favorite celebrity, and mine  Kathie Lee Gifford!"
Kathie Lee,Thank you. And I love you all.
Stan,"Mr. Garrison, stop!"
Mr. Garrison,Leave us. We must finish what we have begun.
Wendy,I know that she's hurt you. She's hurt a lot of people.
Mr. Garrison,You can't know.
Wendy,You should have won that talent show.
Kathie Lee,"It is with great honor and pride that I present the winner his trophy. Eric, would you please come up here?"
Cartman,"Here it is, my big moment of fame."
Mr. Garrison,...and then she finished it all by throwing her voice with two dummies at once.
Wendy,"I know that Mr. Garrison, but this isn't the answer."
Mr. Garrison,"It is, too late for me, young Wendy."
Wendy,"You see, I've learned something today. You can't win all the time. And if you don't win, you certainly can't hold it against the person who did, because that's the only way you ever really lose."
Mr. Garrison,You... you're right.
Wendy,Gooood.
Stan,"Man, did she really throw her voice with two dummies at once?"
Mr. Hat,The bitch must die!
Kathie Lee,Ooohhhh!
Kenny,(Oh no!)
Kyle,"Huh, Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You bastard!"
Agent 1,Gun!
Agent 2,Gun!
Kyle,"Hey, come back! We didn't even get to do our play."
TV Crew Director,"I guess that's it, guys. Wrap it up."
Cartman,Hey! Wait a minute! When do I get to be on television?
TV Crew Director,"Forget it kid. No Kathie Lee, no public interest."
Cartman,But I won the environmental essay contest.
Wendy,"You don't deserve to win Cartman. And you know it.  I'm holding Cartman's award winning paper. It's actually nothing more than Walden, with Henry David Thoreau's name crossed out, and Cartman's name written in its place."
Townsman 1,Who cares?
Townsman 2,"Yeah, Kathie Lee Gifford's gone."
Stan,"Wha, What about, not holding anything against the person who wins?"
Wendy,"Well, not if it's Cartman.  Hey, where are you all going!  They don't even know what Walden is.  I bet if Walden was a sitcom you'd all know what it was."
Stan,"Come on Wendy, Kyle's mom will make us tuna fish sandwiches."
Wendy,"Ah, what the hell."
Mayor,"Nohoho nooo. Now I'll be stuck in this podunk town forever, with all these stupid hick, redneck, jobless, truck driving idiots!"
Aide 1,"Uh, Mayor, the mic is on."
Officer Barbrady,"Thought you could get away with it, eh Mr. Hat?"
Mr. Hat,"Well, I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids."
Officer Barbrady,You're lucky that you missed Kathie Lee and nobody got hurt.
Stan,We hope you can come back to school real soon Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison,"Well children, I'd love to, but the doctor say that Mr. Hat needs more therapy."
Mr. Hat,We can still get her! Let mmm--
Mr. Garrison,I'm just so sorry that I ruined everyone's chances for being on TV.
Kyle,"Not Cartman, he gets to be on TV anyway."
Mr. Garrison,"Really, on what?"
Geraldo,"Obesity, adiposity, corpulence... Whatever word you use, it represents one thing: Being a big fat ass. We have with us today, live via satellite, Eric Cartman from South Park, who is now so obese he can't even get out of his house."
Cartman,When is this going to be on the air?
Geraldo,Is there anything you'd like to say to people out there?
Cartman,"Follow your dreams, you can reach your goals; I'm living proof. Beefcake. Beefcake!"
Chef,He needs to run his ass around the block a few times.
Kathie Lee,"Hmmm, how about a little more of that good lovin' Chef?"
Chef,"Damn woman, I just gave you sweet loving five minutes ago. You trying to kill me?"
Liane,"Now you be careful, Eric. The woods can be very dangerous."
Cartman,"Okay, Mom."
Kyle,"Ready to go hunting, Cartman?"
Stan,"Yeah, my Uncle Jimbo says we gotta get up there early. Right, Uncle Jimbo?"
Jimbo,"That's right, Stanley. Animals are much easier to shoot in the morning."
Liane,"Here hon, I packed you some cheesy poofs and happy tarts."
Jimbo,"Don't worry Mrs. Cartman, we'll take good care of him. I brought my old war buddy Ned to keep things safe."
Ned,"Hello, Mrs. Cartman. How are you today?"
Liane,"Be sure to use lots of bug spray, and if you have to poo-poo, don't wipe with poison ivy."
Cartman,"Dude, that's sick mom."
Liane,"And I know it can get scary up in those woods, but just remember, mommy's not far away."
Cartman,"Drive, Drive!"
Liane,You give your mommy a kissy.
Cartman,"Drive the car damn-it, drive!"
Kyle,Don't get scared up in the mountains Cartman.
Cartman,"Shut up, I'm not scared of nothing."
Stan,"Maybe your mom can give me a kiss too, Cartman."
Kenny,(Maybe she'll suck my dick)
Jimbo,"Oh, ho, that's disgusting."
Cartman,"You piece of crap, I'll kill you!"
Jimbo,"That's the spirit boys, let's get that testosterone flowin'."
Cartman,Eeeh!
Jimbo,"Now boys, boys, ah-I need to get serious for a minute. I want you to understand a few basic rules of hunting, since this is your first time. First, don't ever walk with your gun unless the safety's on. Second, don't shoot anything that looks human, and third, never spill your beer in the bullet chamber."
Stan,"Uh, Uncle Jimbo, we don't drink beer."
Jimbo,You what?!?
Ned,"Moh Yeah, that's right, I don't think eight year old kids drink beer, mmm."
Kyle,I like chocolate milk.
Jimbo,"Well, we'll be doing plenty of drinking on this trip; After all, hunting sober is like … fishing … sober. It sure will be nice to get out of the city for a while, away from civilization."
Jimbo,"Well, here we are. Okay, each of you young 'uns take a gun, a beer and some smokes."
Cartman,"Hey, I didn't get a gun.  Sweet. This is like the gun I used in 'Nam"
Stan,"You weren't in Vietnam, Cartman."
Ned,Were you stationed in De Nang?
Stan,"Cartman always makes stuff up, Ned. You can't believe anything he says."
Cartman,"Hey, I'll blow your friggin' head off."
Jimbo,"Hey, look out son, that's dangerous. You're gonna spill your beer."
Stan,"My Uncle Jimbo says that after this, he's gonna take me hunting in Africa."
Kyle,"Wow, that'd be cool."
Cartman,My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.
Jimbo,"Boys, looky there. That there's a Rocky Mountain black bear …one of the few remaining of its kind. Isn't it beautiful… By God, it's coming right for us!"
Stan,"Hey, it wasn't coming right for us. It was just sitting there."
Jimbo,"Shhh, not so loud. Now that there's just a technicality."
Kyle,What do you mean?
Jimbo,"You see boys, the Democrats have passed a lot of laws trying to stop us from hunting."
Cartman,Democrats piss me off!
Jimbo,"They say we can't shoot certain animals anymore, unless they're posing an immediate threat. Therefore, before we shoot somethin', we have to say 'It's coming right for us.'"
Stan,"Wow, you're smart Uncle Jimbo."
Ned,"Mmm, Jimbo look, mm."
Jimbo,"Ohho, it's a deer. Looks like about a .46 gauge, Ned. It's coming right for us!"
Cartman,Kickass!!
Jimbo,"Did you see that?! I was imperiled by that ferocious, charging buck."
Ned,"Moohh, rabbit, rabbit, 5 o'clock."
Jimbo,"Let's move, moove!"
Stan,Is this hunting?
Kyle,I guess so.
Cartman,"Ah, dude! I'm starting to have flashbacks."
Kyle,What?!
Cartman,"Danforth, pull up flank! Look out for Charlies- up in the trees!"
Jimbo,This one's yours Stan.  It's coming right for us.
Ned,It's coming right for us.
Kyle,Shoot it Stan.
Cartman,"I got your back, soldier."
Stan,I can't.
Jimbo,What the? What's wrong with you?
Stan,I don't want to shoot the bunny.
Jimbo,"What the hell are you talking about, you don't want to shoot the bunny? You're babbling, you're not making any sense, you're hysterical."
Stan,"I'm not hysterical, I just don't want to shoot the bunny."
Jimbo,No nephew of mine is gonna be a tree hugger.
Cartman,"Yeah hippie, go back to Woodstock if you can't shoot anything."
Stan,"I can shoot you, fat ass!"
Cartman,I can shoot you too!
Stan,I'll kill you!
Cartman,I'll fill you full of lead!
Kyle,"Hey, what's that?"
Randy,"What the heck is this?  Yeah, Frank, it's uh Randy, Uh huh, good, good. Yeah, listen, the uh, the little needle's moving. Yeah, it's going back and forth really fast-what does that mean? … Uh huh … Uh huh … Let me check  Yeah, it's smoking. Uh huh. Oh really? Really? Oh my God! A volcano!"
Cartman,My weenies won't cook.
Ned,"Mmm, this wood won't burn, umm."
Jimbo,"Well, Ned, looks like we'll have to use the old Indian fire trick."
Ned,"Mmm, yepper.  Mmm, aahh, oh."
Jimbo,"Hehehaahaa, hey, stop-drop-and roll Ned. Haaahaaaaahaha!!"
"Stan, Kyle",Whoa!
Jimbo,"Goddamnit Ned, I just got that van. How the hell are we supposed to get home?"
Ned,"Mmm, oh, it hurts, it hurts, mmm."
Cartman,"Hey you guys, this works pretty good right now."
Chef,"But you see Mr. Mayor, you can't stop serving Salisbury steak in our public schools. What's next, meatloaf?"
Mayor,"We are quite aware of your concerns Chef, but…"
Johnson,"Mayor, the geologist is here to see you."
Mayor,My geologist? Now? Tell him the infection is fine and I don't need another check-up.
Johnson,"No mayor, that's a gynecologist. A geologist studies the earth."
Mayor,"Don't you think I know that? How dare you insult my intellect, I went to Princeton for God's sake! You get out of my office!"
Johnson,"I'm not in your office mayor, I'm talking to you through a speaker."
Mayor,Just send in the geometrist.
Johnson,Geologist…
Mayor,"You are fired, buddy!"
Johnson,"Thank you mayor, it's been great working for you."
Randy,"Mayor, we have got a very big problem. Mt. Evanston is about to erupt."
Mayor,What does this mean to the town?
Randy,"Well, this graph shows everything from normal to bad.  Right now South Park is here."
Mayor,My God!
Chef,"Mayor, some of the school children, are up camping, on that mountain, right now!"
Mayor,"Ooh, this is big! Johnson, Johnson, are you there?"
Ted,"Uhh, you just fired Johnson, Mayor. I'm his replacement, Ted."
Mayor,"Ted, we have got a major crisis here. I want you to get on the phone and call Inside Edition, Rescue 911-uh, and Entertainment Tonight-eh.  Better get my stylist on the phone too. Don't worry, things are under control."
Jimbo,"You see… Ned picked up the grenade and… BOOM, blasted his arm clear off. We spent three hours looking for that damn arm, but it was never to be found. Some say it's still crawling around to this day."
Ned,Mmmowwwh.
Jimbo,"Hah, got ya."
Cartman,"Heh, that's not scary."
Kyle,You were scared Cartman! you almost peed in your pants!
Cartman,"Shut up, I didn't pee in my pants!"
Jimbo,"Hey Ned, hand me that gin.  You boys want to tie one on?"
Kyle,"No, No thanks, that stuff tastes like pee."
Stan,"Yeah, Cartman's pee."
Cartman,"Hey, you would taste my pee!"
Jimbo,"What the hell's wrong with you? Can't you have a little alcohol?  Christ, look at that little bastard go!  Now you see that Stan? Now, now that is a dirty little bastard!"
Stan,"Hey, I'm a dirty little bastard too."
Cartman,Hey you guys. I know a scary story.
Kyle,"Shut up, Cartman! You can't scare anybody!"
Cartman,Oh yeah? Have you guys ever heard of  Scuzzlebutt?
Stan,Whatabutt?
Cartman,"Scuzzlebutt is a creature that lives up on this very mountain, and kills anybody who dares climb to the top."
Stan,Why?
Cartman,"Because, it loves the taste of blood, and likes to add pieces to its deformed body."
Kyle,Deformed how?
Cartman,"Well, on his left arm, instead of a hand, he has…"
Stan,A hook.
Kyle,A knife.
Cartman,No! A piece of celery.
Stan,Celery?
Cartman,"Yeah, and he walks with a limp. Because one of his legs is missing. And where his leg should be, there's nothing but…Patrick Duffy."
Kyle,"Patrick Duffy? Damn it Cartman, that's not scary!"
Cartman,"What do you mean? Have you ever seen Step By Step?  So he lives alone on this mountain, and weaves baskets, and other assorted crafts. They say that on quiet nights you can hear him weaving his baskets. Tahink … tahink … tahink."
Stan,"Cartman, you suck at telling scary stories."
Kyle,"Yeah, give me that flashlight."
Kenny,"(Hey, what's that?)"
Kyle,What is that?
Stan,Maybe it's Scuzzlebutt coming to weave us into wicker baskets.
Cartman,"Hey, it might be!"
Kyle,"Gosh, I hope he doesn't cut me with his celery hand."
Cartman,Screw you guys! … Go to Hell!
Jimbo,"Hey Ned, why don't you whip out the ol' cancer kazoo? Let's do a little song."
Ned,"Abumbayah my lord, kumbayah.Kumbayah my lord, kumbayah. Uumbayah my lord, kumbayah. Moh lord, Kumbayah.Emsomeone's crying my lord, KumbayahSomeone's crying my lord, Kumbayah..."
Cartman,They don't think Scuzzlebutt is scary huh? Let's see how they like it when they actually see Scuzzlebutt! I'll scare the hell out of them tomorrow!
Ned,"… Someone's crying my lord, Kumbayah.Moh lord, Kumbayah."
Kyle,"Stan, Stan, wake up!"
Stan,"What, dude?"
Kyle,I don't know where Cartman is. I think something took him away.
Stan,Where's my Uncle Jimbo and Ned?
Kyle,They're out fishing with Kenny.
Stan,"With Kenny? But, but this is supposed to be my camping trip. Why do they like Kenny so much? Doesn't he like me anymore?"
Kyle,"Well Stan, you want to know what I think?"
Stan,What?
Jimbo,"What a beautiful morning for fishing. There's one, there's a fish right there!"
Ned,"Mmm, got it."
Jimbo,Great instincts boy.
Stan,"Uncle Jimbo, Cartman's missing!"
Jimbo,Who? The fat kid?
Stan,Yeah.
Jimbo,"Ah hell, I guess we better go look for him. Ned, we got to cut it short. Fire out the 12-20!  Well, I think that's about the limit for our fishing permit."
Ned,Moh man it smells like dead fish here.
Kenny,(A little like a vagina.)
Ned,"Em-moh man, that is nasty."
Jimbo,"Heh, I don't think I've ever seen a kid as cool as you Kenny. I'm making you... my honorary nephew."
Kenny,(Thanks.)
Newscaster,"The people of South Park are humble and friendly. But now, a ticking timebomb of hot lava waits to engulf these people and end their miserable lives with one last fleeting moment of excruciatingly painful burning agony."
Crowd,Yeahhh.
Individual in crowd,"Hey, I'm on TV! I'm on TV!"
Newscaster,"Mayor, what are you doing to prepare for this inevitable catastrophe?"
Mayor,"All we know right now is that some of our children  are camping on that mountain and... Oh, I'm sorry, can I start over?"
Newscaster,Huh?
Mayor,"You can edit this right? Ready, 3,2,1  All we know right now is that some of our children are up camping on that mountain. We can't do anything until we get them. Okay people, let's go get those kids."
Chef,Come on everybody. You got to help the children.
Jimbo,"Uh, well, he couldn't have gone far, unless something drug him off."
Ned,"There's not many animals out today, Jimbo, mmm."
Jimbo,"Yeah, it's almost like something funny's going on.  Christ, Ned, what'd you have for breakfast."
Ned,Mm I don't know man. I've got some bad gas.
Jimbo,"Wait, there's a ram! It's coming right for us!  Nice shootin' Kenny. Here, you need a bigger gun."
Kyle,Look!
Cartman,"I am Scuzzlebutt, Lord of the Mountains. Behold my Patrick Duffy leg."
Ned,"Mmm, what is it?"
Kyle,"Dude, it's Scuzzlebutt! Cartman wasn't lying."
Jimbo,Holy crow! We could make a mint killing this thing.
Ned,We'll be on the cover of Guns & Ammo.
Jimbo,This calls for some HJ-14.
Cartman,Heheh. Those guys are totally scared.
Jimbo,Fire in the hole!
Cartman,Holy crap!
Jimbo,"Damn it, I think I missed"
Cartman,What the hell is wrong with you people?!
Jimbo,"C'mon, let's move, move!"
Cartman,"Hey, wait, aah!"
Mayor,"Is, is it on? Okay. Okay people, form groups and search the mountain. Report back here every hour! You got that?!"
Randy,"Mayor, I might have an idea."
Mayor,"Huh, what?"
Randy,"If we can dig a very large trench, we can divert the lava into a canyon, and then it would bypass South Park, pretty much completely."
Mayor,"And, that would be good? Alright?"
Randy,Uh - pretty sure.
Mayor,"Well, what are we waiting for. Okay, people, change of plans! Half of you grab shovels!"
Jimbo,"These look like its tracks. He must have gone this way. Ned, prepare some HK-12 and some plasticine. I'll bet that sucker's headed for a higher elevation. The higher up it- BIRD!!  The higher up it goes, the better it can breathe."
Kyle,"Look, up there."
Cartman,"You guys, it's just me."
Jimbo,Are we sure it's Scuzzlebutt?
Stan,Does it have Patrick Duffy for a leg
Jimbo,I can't tell; let's kill it!
Cartman,"Eh, I gotta get out of this stupid costume."
Jimbo,"Kenny, you take the front."
Stan,No!  I can do it Uncle Jimbo. I want to bag that animal!
Jimbo,"That's the spirit, kiddo. Let's hunt!"
Cartman,"You guys, you guys, I was just kidding!"
Newscaster,"As some people of South Park try desperately to save their mountain town, others look for the missing townspeople. But all must take every precaution necessary."
Officer Barbrady,"Okay people, listen up. As we near the top of the mountain, the chances of our encountering some lava becomes great. Therefore, I have special-ordered this training film to assist us in volcano safety. Mr. Garrison, if you would please."
Host,"Harbringers of sorrow, natural disasters can be the cause of troubling and undesirable stress, and the volcano is no exception. But what should you do if a volcano erupts near you or your family? Here we see the Stevens family enjoying a May picnic, but suddenly daughter hears a noise. It's a volcano. Junior seems worried. But have no fear Junior, Jane learned in school what to do when you hear a volcano erupt.  That's right Jane, duck and cover.  So what will you-do when you hear a volcano erupting?  That's right, duck and cover.  Looks like you got the idea.Thank you and goodbye."
Officer Barbrady,"OK, any questions?"
Chef,That has got to be the most ridiculous load of pig crap I have ever seen!
Officer Barbrady,That's enough out of you!
Stan,I'm gonna bag Scuzzlebutt. Then we'll see who's the little bastard.
Cartman,"Hey, seriously you guys!"
Kyle,"Kill it, Stanley. Kill it.  Come on Stan, kill it."
Stan,"Ah, damn it, I can't do it!"
Jimbo,You pansy! give me that gun.
Cartman,Hey!
Stan,Cartman?
Cartman,"Goddammit, don't shoot me!"
Jimbo,What in Sam Hell?
Cartman,"I was just trying to scare you guys, you can put the guns down now."
Ned,"Mmm, so much for the cover of Guns & Ammo."
Jimbo,"Yepper, but I think we've learned some important lessons Ned I think that-"
Kyle,Whoa!
Ned,"Mmm, holy crap."
Jimbo,The mountain! It's blown it's top!
Kyle,"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!"
Kenny,"(Nope, I'm okay.)  (It-aah. It hurts! IT HURTS!)  (Ugh.)"
Townsman 1,"Look, the volcano."
Townsman 2,"Quick, duck and cover."
"Kyle, Stan, Cartman",Aaaaah!
Jimbo,That lava's coming right for us!!
Chef,"Oh no, look."
Jimbo,What the hell is this trench doing here?!? We can't get across!
Newscaster,"It now looks as if the missing children are trapped in the path of hot, nasty lava."
Mayor,"God, please deliver those darling kids from... Wait, wait wait wait. 3,2, and 1. God, please deliv-"
Cartman,Help!
Jimbo,"Jimminy Hope, it's the real Scuzzlebutt!"
Cartman,What?! Scuzzlebutt's real?!
Kyle,Oh my God! Look at his leg!
Patrick Duffy,"Hi kids, I'm TV's Patrick Duffy."
Jimbo,"Quick Ned, shoot it!"
Ned,"Mmmoh no, out of ammo."
Scuzzlebutt,Grrrr.
Mayor,What... is that thing?
Chef,That's Scuzzlebutt.
Mr. Garrison,"Yeah, he has Patrick Duffy for a leg, and weaves baskets."
Officer Barbrady,This isn't happening. Everyone look away please. Nothing to see here.
Jimbo,"Well boys, I'm sorry I got you all killed."
Kyle,Aaaaah!
Stan,"Whoa, he built a wicker basket"
Jimbo,"Hey, he's saving us."
Scuzzlebutt,Grrr.
Liane,Scuzzlebutt saved the day.
Randy,And my calculations worked: the lava is following the trench into the canyon.
Mayor,Hmmm. Where exactly does the canyon go?
Randy,Uhh...
Denver citizens,Aaaaah.
Mr. Garrison,South Park is saved.
Kyle,"Hey look, Kenny's okay."
Kenny,"(Hey guys, come here.)"
Newscaster,And now these humble people can rejoice and celebrate their jovial victory over nature. I'm getting word that the chef of the school cafeteria wants to sing a song about this thrilling struggle of humanity.
Chef,"MmmmBaby, every time that we kissHot Lava!Every time that we make love, hot lavaHot Lava!Lava so hot it makes me sweatLava so warm and red and wetLava!Brrrrrrrrrrrr."
Newscaster,"Mayor, what do you have to say about this wonderful outcome?"
Mayor,"Well, we owe everything to this friendly, yet misunderstood creature. Thank you Scuzzlebutt."
Scuzzlebutt,Friend.
Mayor,"Oh, how sweet."
Stan,"I did it, I did it, I finally killed something."
Newscaster,Oh my God! What has he done?
Mayor,Turn off the cameras!
Stan,"Hey, that was easy!"
Patrick Duffy,Noooo! Why God? Why?!
Jimbo,"Damn it Stan, you shouldn't have done that!"
Stan,What?! Why?!
Kyle,"Yeah, make up your mind, dude!"
Jimbo,"Stan, some things you kill, and some things you don't. See?"
Stan,No.
Ned,"Moh, only now in this late hour do I see the folly of guns. Mmm, I'll never use a gun again, mmm."
Kenny,"(Oh, no!)"
Stan,"But I just wanted you to be proud of me, like you were with Kenny."
Jimbo,"But Kenny's dead now, Stan, and you're always going to be my nephew. And you can't just kill anything. You understand?"
Kyle,"Dude, I don't understand hunting at all."
Stan,"Yeah,  it's stupid. Let's go watch cartoons."
Cartman,"Yeah, cartoons kick ass!"
Kyle,"Hey, where's the school bus? We're gonna be late for football practice."
Stan,"Hiya, Sparky."
Kyle,Who's that?
Stan,That's my new dog Sparky. He followed me to the bus stop.
Kyle,Wow! Cool!
Stan,"Good dog, Sparky. Who's my best buddy? Who's the boy? Who's the buddy?"
Cartman,"Eh. You're making me sick, dude."
Stan,He's part Doberman and part wolf. He's the toughest dog on the mountain.
Cartman,No way. Everybody knows that Sylvester is the toughest dog in South Park.
Sylvester,Arrrrrr
Stan,He's not meaner than Sparky.
Cartman,"Oh yeah, let's see. Hey, Sylvester."
Stan,Sparky'll kick his ass.
Cartman,I'll put a dollar on Sylvester.
Kyle,"You're on, dude."
Stan,"That's it, Sparky! Kick his ass!"
Cartman,"Heh, he's doing something to his ass. He's not kicking his ass, but he's definitely doing something to his ass."
Stan,"Sparky, bad dog!"
Kenny,"(Oh my God, I think they're screwing.)"
Stan,What?!
Cartman,"Yeah dude, I think your dog is gay."
Stan,What do you mean?
Cartman,That dog is a gay homosexual.
Stan,He's just confused.
Kyle,I think the other dog's the one that's confused.
Kenny,"(No, check his penis)"
Stan,"Sick, shut up dude."
Cartman,Stan's dog's a homo. Stan's dog's a homo.
Chef,"Okay children, I know that you're all extremely excited and nervous and anxious about the homecoming game against the Middle Park."
Kyle,Who's Middle Park?
Cartman,What's homecoming?
Chef,"But just remember what I taught you. That football is like making love to a reeeeeally beautiful woman. You can't always score, but when you do, it makes all the trying worthwhile.  Now, let's start practice."
Pip,"Uh, Mr. Chef sir?"
Chef,"Yes Pip, what is it?"
Pip,"Well, I still don't have a helmet."
Chef,"I know Pip, the school can't afford helmets for everybody."
Pip,"Yes, but, couldn't we rotate who doesn't have a helmet every week? Does it always have to be me?"
Chef,"Yes Pip, I'm afraid it does."
Pip,Oh.
Chef,"Sorry son, now get your ass in there."
Stan,Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut--hut. hut. hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut.
Chef,Hike the damn ball!
Pip,Aaaaaaaargh!
Jimbo,"Hey, how's practice coming there Chef?"
Chef,"Huh? Oh fine, fine."
Jimbo,I don't have to remind you just how important this game is to us South Park Alumni.
Chef,Elementary school alumni?
Jimbo,That's as far as most of us got. You think we have a shot at beating the spread against Middle Park this year?
Chef,I don't know. Wha- what's the spread?
Jimbo,Middle Park by 70 points.
Chef,Hmmm.  I don't think we have a chance.
Jimbo,Nonsense! Not with my nephew at quarterback. Right Stanley?
Stan,Huh?
Jimbo,Thatta boy.
Chef,Great pass Stan.
Jimbo,"Come on Ned, we gotta get our asses to the bookie."
Chef,Okay. That was a good practice children. We'll see you here again tomorrow.
Kyle,"Hey Stan, isn't that your dog?"
Stan,"Yeah, he must have followed me to football practice. You see, he is smart."
Clyde,"Ah, my dog Rex follows me to football practice all the time."
Stan,"Yeah, but my dog found his own way here. That makes him smarter than your-  Sparky, get down!"
Clyde,Oh my God! What is he doing to my dog?
Cartman,There he goes again.
Stan,Get down Sparky! Down!
Cartman,Stan forgot to mention that his dog is a gay homosexual.
Clyde,Make him stop!
Rex,Yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe!
Fosse,I'm sure glad my dog isn't gay.
Bill,"Yeah, maybe you should name your dog Sparkette, Stan."
Fosse,Gay dog.
Cartman,"...And so you see, Simon & Simon were not brothers in real life, only on television."
Mr. Garrison,"Thank you for that presentation Eric, but the assignment was on Asian cultures. You get a ""D-""."
Cartman,"Ah, dammit!"
Mr. Garrison,Who should we call on next Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat,"Well, how about Stan, our little South Park quarterback star?"
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, good idea. Okay Stanley, you're next."
Stan,"Um, I'm not really prepared either."
Mr. Garrison,"Well, just make something up, like Eric did."
Stan,"Okay, uh. Asian culture has, plagued our fragile earth for many years. We must end it-"
Mr. Garrison,"Excellent. ""A-""."
Cartman,Eeyy!
Stan,"Wow, cool!"
Cartman,"Wait a minute, why the hell does he get an ""A-""?"
Mr. Garrison,"Eric, Stanley just might lead our team to victory against the Middle Park Cowboys for the first time in decades. And we treat star athletes better 'cause they're better people."
Cartman,That's not fair!
Mr. Hat,"Life isn't fair kiddo, get used to it."
Cartman,Stupid puppet.
Mr. Garrison,"Don't forget your assignments tonight children, they're due tomorrow for everybody but Stan."
Stan,"Mr. Garrison, can I ask you a question?"
Mr. Garrison,"Well of course Stanley, what is it?"
Stan,What's a - homosexual?
Mr. Garrison,"Hoh, well, Stanley, I guess you came to the right person. Sit down.  Stanley, gay people... well- gay people are evil. Evil right down to their cold black hearts, which pump not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Naziesque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?"
Stan,I guess.
Mr. Garrison,"Good, I'm glad we could have this little talk Stanley. Now you go outside and practice football like a good little heterosexual."
Cartman,"You guys see me block that defense today, I was kicking ass."
Kyle,You're gonna need to kick more ass than that to beat the Cowboys.
Cartman,"Hey, speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little homo dog."
Stan,"Shut up dude!  Sparky, where'd you get that pink scarf?"
Sparky,"Bark, bark."
Cartman,"Man, that is the gayest dog I've ever seen."
Stan,"He just needs some training, that's all. Sit Sparky.  Good boy, now shake.  Goood boy. Now, don't be gay.  Don't be gay Spark. Don't be gay."
Kyle,Did it work?
Stan,I don't know.
Cartman,He still looks pretty gay to me.
Bill,"Huh, huh."
Fosse,"Hey Stan, your dog been to any Pride marches lately?"
Bill,"Huh huh, meh, yeah, maybe you should take him to a Barbara Streisand concert.  Stupid little gay dog."
Fosse,Gay dog.
Stan,"Come on you guys, I have an idea."
Jimbo,I want $500 on the South Park Cows.
Bookie,Are you crazy?
Jimbo,"No siree. I'm telling you, I got the line. My nephew Stan is the best quarterback the school has ever seen. I guarantee they'll beat the spread."
Gambler 1,I want to put all my money on the Cows.
Gambler 2,"Duh, duh, I think I'll put 300 on the Cows too."
Gambler 3,"Hey, I want to put some money on the Cows too."
Female Gambler 1,I got 500 on the Cows.
Female Gambler 2,"Well, I'll put my money on the Cows."
Jimbo,"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't get too carried away now..."
Gambler 4,You better be right about this Jimbo.
Jimbo,"Hehe, yeah. Don't- don't worry yourself."
Ned,Are you sure Stan is that good?
Jimbo,"Not that sure. I think we better come up with a backup plan. Uhh, let's see here. Hey, bookie! Wha- what's the halftime show gonna be?"
Bookie,You haven't heard?! John Stamos' older brother Richard Stamos is gonna sing 'Loving You'.
Ned,I love that song.
Jimbo,"'Loving You'? That's perfect! Come on Ned, Middle Park's gonna get a Halftime show they'll never forget."
Stan,"Okay Sparky, we got you a present. Now why don't-  Damn it Sparky, where do you keep getting this thing?!  No pink bandannas Sparky, bad dog! Now pay attention. Sparky, this is Fifi."
Kyle,Oolala
Cartman,There he goes.
Stan,"Atta boy Spark, get her.  Yes!  Ah crap! Now what do I do?"
Kyle,Who cares if your dog is gay? Maybe it's not that bad.
Cartman,"No way dude, my mom says God hates gay people. That's why he smote those sodomies in France."
Kenny,(I think that Garrison said that gay people suck.)
Stan,"I know Mr. Garrison said that homosexuals are evil, but, but Sparky doesn't seem evil."
Kyle,"Well, maybe Mr. Garrison is wrong. You should ask somebody else."
Stan,Like who?
TV Announcer,And now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park public access.
Jesus,"Yea, many of you are seeking answers, and I am the way for you my children. Let's open the phone lines back up for some questions... Hello caller, you're on the air."
Robert,"Yeah, is, is this Jesus?"
Jesus,Yes my son.
Robert,"This, this is Robert from Torrey Pines. I called last week asking for advice on my ex-wife."
Jesus,Of course Robert. How are things now?
Robert,"Well, every, everything's much better Jesus. She hasn't mouthed off since. I just wanted to thank you for the advice. Oh, and for, for dying for my sins, that was really nice of you."
Jesus,"Blessed art thou, Robert. Next caller, you're on the air."
Stan,"Uh, hi, Jesus. I, I have a dog, and he's a- he's a homosexual."
Jesus,"My son, a lot of people have wondered what my stance on homosexuality is. So I'd like to state once and for all, my true opinion. You see-"
TV Announcer,"That's all the time we've left for Jesus and Pals, now stay tuned for Marty's Movie Reviews."
Stan,Damn it!
Kyle,What'd he say?
Stan,I got cut off for Marty's stupid Movie Reviews.
Cartman,"Oh, Marty's Movie Reviews are on, kick ass!"
Stan,Isn't there anybody who can help me? Isn't there anybody who cares?
Kyle,"Come on dude, we have to get to practice."
Stan,"No, it's not okay! I don't want a gay dog!  I want a butch dog! I want a Rin-tin-tin!"
Chef,"Now children, we've got to handle the ball better. You got to hold your football like you hold your lover.  Gently, yet firmly. You wanna be both nurturing and clinging at the same time. Oh yeah! Just like makin' sweet love to the football.Feelin' naughty with the football.Mmmm."
Kyle,"Uh, Chef?"
Chef,"Spank it, ever so gently."
Kyle,Chef.
Chef,Spank it.
Kyle,Chef!
Chef,"Oh, uhuhh, sorry children. Uhuh, let's run some plays."
Pip,"Uh, Mr. Chef sir?"
Chef,"No Pip, we still don't have a helmet for you."
Pip,"Righto, but how about I use a helmet today, and one of the other children goes without?"
Chef,"That wouldn't be very fair to the other children, now would it?"
Pip,"No um, I guess not."
Jimbo,What we'll have to do here Carl is put a trigger on that bomb that makes it go off at a specific moment during halftime.
Carl,What moment would that be?
Jimbo,"Well, John Stamos' older brother is all set to sing 'Loving You' during halftime. We want that bomb to go off when he hits that high F."
Carl,What high F?
Jimbo,"You know, Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo... Aaaaah"
Carl,"Right, right, so you want the trigger on the doo-nn-doo?"
Jimbo,"No, dammit! The Aaaaah."
Carl,Aaaaahh.
Ned,Aaaaahh.
Jimbo,Aaaaahh.
Carl,Aaaaahh.
Jimbo,"Great, we..."
Carl,Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo - Aaah.
Ned,Doo-nn-doo-doo
Jimbo,You got it...
Carl,Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo...
Ned,aaa - dooo
Jimbo,Aaaaahh.
Carl,"Alright, yeah, okay..."
Chef,"What's the matter Stan, you seem down."
Stan,"I just, I can't concentrate 'cause my dog is gay."
Chef,"Well, you know what they say: you can't teach a gay dog straight tricks."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, stop filling his head with that queer-loving propaganda."
Chef,Say what?! You of all people should be sympathetic.
Mr. Garrison,What do you mean?
Chef,"Well, you're gay aren't you?"
Mr. Garrison,What?! What the hell are you talking about?! I am not gay.
Chef,"Well, you sure do act like it."
Mr. Garrison,"I just act that way to get chicks, dumb ass."
Kyle,What's the matter dude?
Stan,I don't know where Sparky is. He usually follows me to football practice.
Cartman,Maybe he went shopping for some leather pants.  Ow!
Big Gay Al,"Hello there little pup, I'm Big Gay Al.  Have you been outcast?  Well, then I'm so glad you found my Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. We're all big gay friends here. Would you like to live with us?  Come on in little fellow, nobody will ever oppress you here."
Stan,"Have you guys seen Sparky, he still hasn't come back."
Kyle,"Wow, it's been like two days."
Stan,I think he might've run away.
Cartman,Did you check the shopping ma-  Ow!
Kyle,We'll help you look for him after the game Stan.
Stan,I'm not playing.
Kyle,You what?!
Stan,I'm not playing in that stupid game. I have to find my dog.
Jimbo,"Come on Ned, and keep quiet."
Ned,Okay
Jimbo,"Hello there, Enrique."
Ned,What are we doing here?
Jimbo,"Well Ned, we always kidnapped Middle Park's mascot. But this year we're gonna booby-trap it instead.  And when John Stamos' older brother hits that high F in Loving You, Boom!  No more Middle Park players."
Ned,Hahahahaha. Hahahahaha.
Jimbo,"God damn, I love football!"
Stan,Sparky! Where are you?! Where could he be?
Cowboys,Kill that Ken! Kill that Ken!
Frank Hammond,"Hello everyone, this is Frank Hammond, South Park public radio, AM 900, Welcome to tonight's match-up between the Middle Park Cowboys and the South Park Cows.  Well, it looks like Chef, the South Park Cows coach looks a little nervous. This is probably because his star quarterback has yet to show up."
Chef,"Oohh, come on Stan."
Pip,"Uh, Mr. Chef, if Stanley doesn't show up, can I use his helmet?"
Chef,"No Pip, I'm sorry!"
Stan,Sparky! Sparky!
Referee,Play ball.
Chef,"You're gonna have to quarterback, Kyle."
Kyle,But I never practiced quarterback.
Chef,It's a little late for that bullcrap now.
Frank,"Filling in for quarterback is number 12, Kyle Broflovski."
Mr. Garrison,"Heyhey, where is little Stanley?"
Mr. Hat,"Yeah, why the hell is that little Jewish kid playing quarterback?"
Jimbo,"Ned, look.  They've got Enrique on their sideline, and it looks like that bomb's still attached."
Ned,Yay.
Big Gay Al,"Hi little fella, how are you doing today?"
Stan,"Fine, how are you?"
Big Gay Al,"I'm super, thanks for asking."
Stan,"My gay dog ran away, and I was wondering if maybe he came here."
Big Gay Al,"Well, let's see. Come on in. Hmm."
Stan,D'you have lots of gay dogs here?
Big Gay Al,We have all sorts of gay animals here at Big Gay Al's. Over here we have a gay lion.
Gay Lion,Rooaar
Big Gay Al,"And we have gay water buffalo, gay hummingbirds, here's a gaggle of gay gooses. Hi fellas, it's so super to see you!"
Stan,"Wow, seems like the animals here are really happy."
Big Gay Al,"Of course they are, silly buns. It's the one place where gay animals can really be themselves. Would you like to dance?"
Vocalist,"Oww, we can both be gay!"
Kyle,"Cartman, you hike me the ball, then somebody run, and I'll throw it at something. Ready?!"
Huddle,Break!
Cowboy 1,You guys are toast.
Cowboy 2,"Yeah, we're gonna pound your heads in."
Cartman,We'll just see about that.
Kyle,"Set, set.  Damn it Cartman!"
Chef,What's the matter?
Kyle,Cartman farted!
Cartman,No I didn't. That was just my shoes.
Chef,"Come on, Cows. We'll get a delay of game penalty."
Kyle,No way dude!
Chef,Hike the ball.
Kyle,"Ah, dude, weak."
Cartman,"That's right, you get back there."
Kyle,Hut.
Frank,"The ball is snapped. Middle Park blitzes.  Fumble, Middle Park gets the ball. they run it in for a TOUCHDOWN! The score is 7-nothing Middle Park, with 14:57 remaining in the first quarter."
Jimbo,Hell's bells.
Frank,"Why, I haven't seen a beating like that since Rodney King."
Phil,"Now Frank, that's not very PC. You're gonna get us in trouble again."
Frank,"Right, right, uh. I gotta watch that."
Townsman 1,"We lose our money 'cause of your nephew, we're gonna hang you up to dry, Jimbo."
Jimbo,"Don't y'all worry, you just wait till halftime, hehe."
Vocalist,...both be gay.
Stan,"Sparky! Hiya Sparky, how's it goin'?"
Sparky,Ruff.
Stan,"I missed you old pal, you really had me scared."
Sparky,Barr.
Stan,"Come on, let's go home. I can still make it in time for the game.  We can work on making you not gay together.  Sparky?"
Big Gay Al,"Young man, it appears you still don't understand."
Stan,What don't I understand?
Big Gay Al,"Come this way, I have to show you something."
Frank,"With just over a minute to go in the half the score is Middle Park Cowboys 52, South Park Cows 0."
Kyle,"Hut, hut."
Frank,"Oh no, I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant."
Phil,Dude! Now that is not cool.
Frank,"Sorry, sorry."
Big Gay Al,"Okay Stan, I think you should get in line for my Big Gay Boat Ride.  Step aboard, Stanley.  Hello everyone, and welcome aboard the Big Gay Boat Ride. On this adventure we'll be seeing the world of gayness throughout time."
Frank,"And the South Park Cows are set to receive...  There's the kick. It's taken by number 23, Kenny McCormick.  He's at the 50, the 40, the 30."
Cowboys,"Hold him, hold him!  Hold him, hold him!"
Cowboy,Yaaah!
Frank,"The running back is down. I think he's...  Yes, he's been decapitated."
Kyle,"Wha-? Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You Bastards!"
Phil,"That's gotta hurt, Frank."
Frank,How terue!
Chef,"Hey, come on. That was roughing. At least let us scrape him off the field."
Frank,Looks like the South Park Cows aren't even gonna beat the 72 point spread. Not by a long shot.
Big Gay Al,"You see, gayness has existed since the beginning of time. From the Egyptian pharaohs, to the shoguns of Japan.  Uh oh, look out, it's the oppressors. Christians and Republicans and Nazis, oh my!  Ohhh! Oh God, that was close. Okay, let's steer our Big Gay Boat out of here and into a place where gays are allowed to live freely."
Boat Ride Singers,"We're all gay, and it's okay'Cause gay means happy and happy means gay.We're not sad anymore, cause we're out the closet door.It's okay, hey, to be gay!"
Big Gay Al,"Sooo, what do you think Stan?"
Stan,"This kicks ass! I'm sorry I tried to change you Spark, I just didn't understand."
Big Gay Al,Isn't this precious?
Frank,"And now, here to sing the touching song, Loving You is the one and only, John Stamos' brother..."
Jimbo,Alright Richard!
Richard,Loving youis easy cause you're beautiful-doo-n-doo--doo-doooo--Aaaaa! Aaaaa!
Jimbo,What the hell?!
Richard,Aaaaa!
Jimbo,He didn't sing the high F.
Mr. Garrison,"Richard Stamos can't sing a high F, he always screws it up like this."
Jimbo,"Ned, we are going to get our asses kicked."
Richard,Lalalalala...
Mr. Garrison,It's obvious where all the talent in that family went!
Stan,Thanks for everything Big Gay Al!
Sparky,Ruff!
Big Gay Al,No problem kids. Are you sure you don't wanna stay for some toasted cheese sandwiches?
Stan,"No thanks, I've gotta get back for the big football game. Come on boy!"
Big Gay Al,"Oh Stan?  When you get back to town,  tell them about us, will you? Tell them there are gay animals here who need homes, desperately."
Stan,"I will Big Gay Al, I will."
Big Gay Al,"Ooh, my carrot cake!"
Kyle,Hike!
Frank,And these South Park Cows are being absolutely molested by Middle Park. I haven't seen so many children molested since...
Mr. Garrison,I thought you said beating the spread was a sure thing Jimbo.
Mr. Hat,"Yeah, we all put our life savings in this game."
Townsman,You're a dead man Jimbo
Frank,"Well, this should just about wrap it up for-  Wait a minute, what's this?"
Jimbo,Yeah!!!
Crowd Member,Yohooooh.
Frank,"It's Stan, the South Park star quarterback!"
Chef,Where the hell have you been Stan?!
Stan,I've been getting my best friend back.
Chef,Just get in there boy!
Jimbo,"Give 'em hell Stanley!  Jesus, now I haven't asked you for much, but all we need is one little score. Please? Please, Jesus?"
Jesus,Leave me alone.
Stan,Hike!
Frank,Stan hikes the ball. He steps back to pass.
Kyle,"Hey Stan, Ah- I'm open, I think."
Stan,Mph.
Frank,"And he throws it to Kyle, the little Jewish kid."
Kyle,Oof.
Frank,"Oh my! I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938!"
Phil,Dude!
Frank,Touchdown!
Jimbo,Yeah!
Mr. Garrison,Wooo!
Frank,"The clock runs out and the final score is Middle Park Cowboys 73, South Park Cows 6. South Park beats the spread!"
Jimbo,Yeah! Woohoo!
Townsman,Speech!
Frank,"Stan, what do you want to tell the world about this stunning almost victory?"
Stan,"Uh. It, it's really cool that we beat the spread against the Cowboys."
Crowd,"Yeah, alright!"
Stan,And maybe - we can beat 'em even more next year!
Crowd,Woooo!
Stan,And it's okay to be gay!
Jimbo,What?!
Stan,"Being gay is just part of nature, and a beautiful thing."
Mr. Garrison,What the hell is he talking about?!
Frank,"Uhh, Stanley, you arrived very late in the game, where were you that whole time?"
Stan,"I was with my new friend, Big Gay Al. He showed me his Big Gay Animal Sanctuary, and took me on a Big Gay Boat Ride, where I learned all about the wonders of gaiety.  It's true, I'll show you."
Stan,"But it was here. It was all right here. The, there was a techno dance club."
Cartman,"Stan, you need to lay off the cough syrup, alright, seriously. I'm worried about you man."
Townswoman,"Oliver, I thought you ran away all those months ago."
Townsperson 1,Sidney!
Townsperson 2,Willy!
Townsperson 3,Carlos!
Big Gay Al,I want to thank you so much for bringing everybody here.
Stan,"Oh, there you are dude. How's it going?"
Big Gay Al,"I'm super, thanks for asking. It looks like now my work here is done.  Goodbye Stanley, peace be with you."
Stan,Wow!
Richard,"You guys, you guys! I can do it."
Mr. Garrison,Do what?
Richard,Loving youis easy cause you're beautifuldoo-nn-doo-nn-doo-dooo
Jimbo,No!
Richard,Aaah
Enrique,Mroo-
Cartman,"Hey Stan, where'd you get that black eye?"
Stan,"Nothing, I mu-I mean, nowhere."
Cartman,"Your sister beat you up again, huh?"
Stan,No!
Cartman,"Eheh, you know, heh, your sister kicked your ass."
Stan,She's just pissed off 'cause she got headgear at the dentist.  She's taking it out on me.
Kyle,"Yeah, but that sucks, to get your butt kicked by a girl, Stan."
Cartman,"I would never let a woman kick my ass.  If she tried anything, I'd be like, ""hey, you get your bitch ass back in the kitchen, and make me some pie!"""
Stan,"My parents don't even believe that she beats me up.  They think she's all innocent and sweet, but I know that she's an evil bitch!"
Cartman,"Be a man Stan.  Just say, ""Hey woman, ye-you shut your mouth and make babies."""
Stan,"Hey Kyle, what's that elephant doing?"
Kyle,You mean this one?
Stan,Yeah.
Kyle,He's my new pet elephant.
Stan,Whoa dude!  Where'd you get a pet elephant?
Kyle,"I got it mail ordered from Africa.  The ad said it would take 4 to 6 weeks, but it only took three."
Stan,"Wow, that's cool!"
Kyle,"No it's not cool!  My mom won't let me keep him in the house.  She says he's too big, and that his poop is bigger than our couch."
Cartman,That's why my mom got me a pot-bellied pig.  Cause its poop is small.
Kenny,"(Hey you guys, I talked to Garrison and he told me that they're almost the same.)"
Stan,"Well yeah, but pigs aren't smart, like elephants."
Ms. Crabtree,Hey.  Wait a minute.  What is that thing?
Kyle,"Uh, oh, this, this is, the new retarded kid."
Ms. Crabtree,Oh—I'm sorry little girl.  But you still can't get on.  You have to take the special ed bus.
Kyle,"Boy, it looks like you're not welcome anywhere elephant.  See ya."
Cartman,"If a woman ever gave me crap, I'd say, ""Hey, you go do my laundry and-"""
Ms. Crabtree,SIT DOWN KID!!!
Cartman,Yes ma'am.
Mr. Garrison,"And now children, our friend Mr. Hat is going to tell us all about genetic engineering."
Mr. Hat,"That's right Mr. Garrison, genetic engineering is an exciting new science.  You can splice the DNA from some animals, and make them better."
Kyle,Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison,Yes Kyle.
Kyle,"With genetic engineering, can you make an elephant smaller?"
Mr. Garrison,"Well, uh, ye, yes, I suppose you could.  You could, splice elephant genes with a dog, or cat, or a, pot-bellied pig genes."
Kyle,"That's it.  I'm going to combine my elephant with a pot-bellied pig and make…pot-bellied elephants.  They'd be smart like elephants, but small like pigs."
Stan,That'd be cool!
Bebe,I want a pot-bellied elephant.
Pip,"Yes, I'll pay fifty dollars for one."
Terrance,That's stupid.
Kyle,"Shut up Terrance, we can geneti-cal engineer anything we want."
Terrance,"Oh yeah, I bet I can genetically clone a whole human being before you crossbreed and elephant and a pig."
Kyle,I'll bet you can't.
Terrance,Watch me plebeian.
Mr. Garrison,"Well, spank my ass and call me Charlie.  Isn't this exciting, two A+ students in a cloning war."
Mr. Hat,"Yes Mr. Garrison, genetic engineering lets us correct God's horrible, horrible mistakes, like German people."
Mr. Garrison,"You know, you boys might want to visit the Genetic Engineering Ranch outside of town for some help.  And you could both use this for your science fair projects next month."
Kyle,Genetic Engineering Ranch!  Sweet!
Stan,"Wait, wait.  We still need a pig."
Kyle,We can use Cartman's pig.
Cartman,"Ehh, you leave Fluffy out of this!"
Kyle,"We're not gonna hurt her, we just need some of her blood."
Cartman,"You're not using any of Fluffy's blood, or else I'll kick you in the nuts.  Kyle, Kyle no!"
Mr. Garrison,"Uh, uhuh, Stanley, can I talk to you for a minute?"
Stan,Okay.
Mr. Garrison,I couldn't help but notice that black eye you have.  Are there problems at home?
Stan,Yes…
Mr. Garrison,"Oh dear.  Here Stanley, sit down, have some cocoa, and tell your friend Mr. Hat all about it."
Mr. Hat,"I'm your friend, Mr. Hat, Stan.  You can tell me anything.  Now, who hits you, is it your father, or your mother?"
Stan,"Oh, neither.  It's my sister."
Mr. Garrison,"Your sister?!  Oh for Pete's sake, don't be such a little wuss.  Stop wasting Mr. Hat's time with pansy little foo-foo problems, and, give me back my cocoa!"
Jesus,Let's open the phone lines back up for some questions….
Shelly,Hey!
Robert,"Yeah, is this Jesus?"
Jesus,"Yes, my son."
Stan,Hi Shelly.
Shelly,Are you looking at my headgear?
Stan,Headgear?  What headgear?
Shelly,Are you looking at my headgear?
Stan,"Oh, uh gosh uh, I didn't really notice."
Shelly,You little liar.
Stan,"No, I think it looks terrific.  It matches your AAAAAH!"
Kyle,Ready to go Stan?
Stan,Go where?
Kyle,To the Genetical Engineering Ranch.
Kyle,We got Cartman's pig so we can splice its genes with my elephant's.
Cartman,Nobody's splicin' nothing from Fluffy!
Shelly,I swear I'm gonna kill you Stan!
Kyle,Why's your sister so mean to you dude?
Cartman,"Yeah, if some sissy chick tried to kick my ass, I'd be all like, ""Hey, listen, missy, eh, yewhy don't you go knit me sweater before I slap you in the face!"""
Shelly,Who said that?
Kyle,This must be it.
Cartman,"Well, looks like nobody's home.  Guess we should come back some other time."
Kyle,"No, Cartman, we're going in there and splicing Fluffy and my elephant together."
Cartman,"It's okay Fluffy, I won't let them hurt you."
Kyle,It's just a stupid pig.
Stan,"Yeah, quit being such a baby."
Cartman,"Baby?!  Well, at least I don't get my ass kicked by a girl!"
Stan,At least I'm not a little pigfucker!
Cartman,Hey!  I'm taking my pig and…Screw you guys!  I'm going home!  This whole idea's stupid anyway.
Kyle,"What the hell would you know you fat sweaty Mongoloid, you never get higher than a 'D'!"
Cartman,Hey!  Why don't you go back to San Francisco with the rest of the Jews?!
Kyle,"There's no Jews in San Francisco, you retard!"
Cartman,I'll kick you in the nuts!
Mephesto,Can I help you?
Kenny,Mmmmmm!
Kyle,Uh…yeah…we want to crossbreed an elephant with a pig.
Mephesto,"Brilliant idea, huge elephant-sized pigs."
Kyle,"No, no, no.  We want to make little pot-bellied elephants that people can keep in their houses as pets."
Mephesto,"Ohh, that's an even better idea.  Come on in."
Mephesto,I'm so pleased that you children are interested in genetic engineering.
Cartman,"Eh, it's okay Fluffy, nobody's going to hurt you."
Mephesto,"It's thanks to the wonders of genetic engineering that soon there will be an end to hunger, disease, pollution, even war.  I have created things that will change the world for the better.  For instance, here is a monkey with four asses."
Monkey,Mhhh.
Kyle,How does that make the world better?
Mephesto,"And here, of course, is my four assed ostrich.  And my four assed mongoose."
Stan,Do you have anything besides just animals with four asses?
Mephesto,"Oh, uh, I suppose so uh.  Oh yes, over here.  Here I have rats splice with ducks, and gorillas spliced with mosquitos, and here I have rabbits spliced with fish to make little bunnyfish."
Cartman,"Heyyy, these bunny ears are tied on with little strings."
Mephesto,"And over here, Swiss cheese spliced with chalk, and a beard."
Kyle,"Well, what about our pot-bellied elephant?"
Mephesto,"Oh.  Well I'm sorry children, but, pig and elephant DNA just won't splice.  Haven't you ever heard that song by 'Loverboy'?"
Kyle,Which song is that?
Mephesto,"Diindoon - pig and elephant DNA just won't splice!  Although, maybe I could help you add a few asses to that swine of yours."
Cartman,You can keep your hands off of Fluffy's ass!
Mephesto,"You know, it's amazing what we can do with a little blood sample these days."
Stan,Ow!
Mephesto,"Hmm?  What?  Oh, excuse me."
Kyle,"Wait, what are you taking Stan's blood for?"
Mephesto,"Oh, pardon me, I tripped.  Could I have some hair please?"
Kyle,Watch out Stan!  Genetic engineers are crazy.
Cartman,Come on Fluffy!
Kid 1,This fish is just hurting my anus.
Kid 2,"Naw, it's pretty fresh."
Cartman,UUuuhh.  I sure am hungry.
Pip,"'Ello gentlemen, any of you blokes know what's for lunch today?  Lunchy munchies, hmmm?"
Cartman,"Go away, Pip! Nobody likes you!"
Kyle,"Yeah, what kind of name is Pip anyway?!"
Pip,"Well, my father's family name being Pirrip, and my Christian name being Phillip, my infant tongue…"
Cartman,"God Damnit, would you shut the hell up?!  Nobody gives a rat's ass."
Stan,"Yeah! Go away, Pip!"
Pip,Righto.
Cartman,"Gah, French people piss me off."
Terrance,Hey dumbasses.  You morons give up on your stupid science fair project yet?
Kyle,No! We're already halfway done.
Terrance,Halfway? Then all you've got is a stupid pig.
Bill,"Yeah, it's probably a gay pig too."
Fosse,Stupid gay pig.
Kyle,It's more than you've got!
Terrance,Wroong. We've already got our human clone well under way.
Kyle,Oh my God! They cloned a foot.
Cartman,Ugh!…Hey! I'll kick your ass!
Pip,Eho!
Terrance,"By Friday, we're gonna clone a whole human being.  Good luck with your stupid little pig."
Chef,Hello there children.
Kyle,Hey Chef.
Chef,How you doin'?
Boys,Bad.
Chef,Why bad?
Kyle,"We need to genetically engineer our pig and an elephant, but their genes won't splice."
Chef,"Ahhhh, of course they won't splice children. Haven't you ever heard that song by 'Loverboy'?"
Chef,"Dooodnnndoodnn - A pig and an elephant DNA just won't…A pig-elephant.  Say, now that's not a bad idea."
Kyle,I told you guys.
Chef,"Imagine, a pint sized elephant that you could keep in the house.  Children, we could make a fortune with this."
Kyle,You hear that dudes? We'll be rich!
Chef,"Forget about all that genetic engineering whoosafudge. If you want to combine a pig and an elephant, just get them to make sweeet love."
Cartman,Whaaat?!
Stan,I don't think an elephant would make love to a pig.
Cartman,I don't think my pig would want to make love to that stupid elephant.
Chef,Sure they would.  But you're gonna have to get 'em in the mood.
Stan,So how do we do that?
Chef,"Do what I do, get 'em goood and drunk."
Stan,"Hey uh, you guys want to come over to my house?"
Kyle,"We've got work to do Stan, I think it takes a while for an elephant to get drunk."
Chef,"Really, you, you guys don't want to come over for just a little bit?"
Cartman,Why?  Is your sister gonna kick your ass again?
Stan,Shut up Cartman!
Kenny,(Or are you gonna hit her with your hand?)
Kyle,"Yeah Stan, she's just a girl."
Cartman,"Yeah, if some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, ""hey, why don't you stop dressin' me up like a mailman, annnd making me dance for you while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know, on my dad's bed!"""
Stan,"Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?!"
Cartman,"I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all."
Kyle,"Stan, you can use family love as a weapon against Shelly.  The next time she's gonna kick your ass, just tell her, ""Shelly, you're my sister, and I love you."""
Kenny,"(""And I want to see you handling your breasts."")"
Stan,"Sick dude, she's my sister."
Kyle,"Try it.  We'll see you in a while, we got to go get Cartman's pig."
Cartman,"No, you don't gotta get Cartman's pig!  You leave Fluffy out of this!"
Kyle,Come on Kenny.
Cartman,"Kyle no, seriously.  No fuckin' elephant is going to make love to my Fluffy, I…Kyle, I will kick you in the nnnnuts."
Stan,Crap.
TV Voice,And now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park Public Access…
Shelly,Are you staring at my neckbrace?
Stan,"No, I mean, yes, I mean, what neckbrace?  Shelly, before you beat my face into a bloody pulp again, I just want you to know that…that you're my sister, and I love you.  No.  Ahh!  Someday, Shelly, I'm gonna be bigger than you, and you're gonna wish you'd never done any of this to me."
Shelly,You'll never be bigger than me Stan.  Never!
Mephesto,"Beautiful, it's absolutely beautiful. My son, I think we've finally done it."
Terrance,"Yes, we have dad. My very own human clone."
Bill,Hopefully not a gay clone.
Fosse,"Yeah, that was stupid."
Bill,Stupid.
Fosse,That was stupid.
Kyle,"Come on elephant, keep drinking."
Stan,"Damn, I wonder how drunk he needs to be to make sweet love to the pig."
Kyle,Dammit! This is never gonna work.
Chef,Hello children.  I thought I'd check and see how our little entrepreneurial venture is going.
Kyle,"Rotten, they're both really drunk, but the won't have sex."
Chef,"Ohh, children, you just can't stick a drunk pig with a drunk elephant, and, and, expect them to do the mattress mambo. You need to set the mood. Let me show you boys what I'm talking about.Tonight is a-right for love,you know I -- want tuh touch you where the lights don't go.Tonight is a-right for love, love gravy.Expressing love so sweet.I want tuh -- keep you burnin' like a dog in heat.Tonight is a-right for love, love graaavaaay.Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John!"
Elton,"Oooo tonightOooo it's all rightOooo tonight is right for love, love gravy."
Chef,"Thank you Elton.Tonight is right for love, love graaavaaaaaay."
Kyle,Hey look!  It's working.
Chef,"Now children, gather around, and watch the wonders of life.  The beauty of Mother Nature."
Kyle,Aah!
Stan,Sick!
Cartman,Fluffy!
Chef,"Hmm, now I know how all those white women must have felt."
Mephesto,"How luscious.  Our creature has come to fruition, boys."
Terrance,"Dad, you're the best."
Mephesto,"Oh my God!  He only has one ass.  He's of no use to me, I'll have to burn the room.  Oh no, this entire expriment is turning out very bad."
Big Stan,Me bad??
Mephesto,"Eeegads, he's out of control.  We'll have to destroy him."
Terrance,But he's our science fair project!
Big Stan,"Uhhh, me baad, aba-ba-chewy-chomp."
Mephesto,He's too dangerous son.
Terrance,But dad!  I want a human clone.
Mephesto,"Son, no.  Oh son, you've made a horrible mistake.  You've put all the people of South Park in jeopardy."
Terrance,"They're all stupid anyway.  Come on guys, let's go."
Bill,"Yeahh, they're all gay."
Kyle,Aren't they ever gonna wake up?
Chef,"Oh, they will.  It's gonna be one uuuugly sight."
Kyle,I thought you said the wonder of Mother Nature was a beautiful thing.
Stan,"Yeah, when does Mother Nature go from beautiful to ugly?"
Chef,"Usually about 9:30 in the morning, children.  Uh oh, here we go.  Yeahhh, there's nothing worse than getting all drunk and waking up the next morning next to a pig.  Or a big fat elephant."
Kyle,"Hey, how do we know if she's pregnant?"
Chef,"Well boys, we might not know that for a couple of days."
Kyle,Couple of days?  But Terrance is going to have his human clone by tomorrow.
Cartman,"Well, good job Einstein, why don't we just build a rocket in the meantime?  Hey!"
Mephesto,"Oh thank Buddha I found you boys.  You must tell me, have you seen anything odd lately?"
Stan,"Uh, we saw an elephant have sex with a pig."
Mephesto,"No, no, I said odd."
Chef,"Hey, you're that crazy cracker from up on the hill."
Mephesto,"Sir, if making mutant animals spliced with humans is crazy…then…uhhhhh…hmmm…oh, nevermind.  I'm afraid there's been a bit of an incident at the ranch.  You see, I've created a large mutant clone of that little boy there, and he's broken free."
Kenny,(A big mutant Stan?!)
Stan,A big mutant version of me?
Kyle,Is he bigger than a regular clone?
Mephesto,He's terribly dangerous.  His brain is identical to yours.  I need you to help me find him.
Big Stan,Ah chewy-chewy-chomp.
Woman,Oh my Gooodd!
Mr. Garrison,"Stan, are you wearing a different hat?"
Big Stan,Uhhhyahhuhhh.
Mr. Garrison,"Hey, I know a certain young man who's itching for a detention.  Aaaaaah!  Ooooh."
Kyle,How big do you think he is?
Stan,I bet he weighs four hundred pounds.
Kyle,"Come on Stan, don't you even know where you would go?"
Kenny,(Look at that!  What's he doin'?)
Stan,Oh my God!
Townsman,Aaaah!
Tom,"It appears that the horrible, destructive creature is actually eight-year old Stan Marsh of South Park.  When asked why he was wreaking so much havoc on his home town, the little boy replies simply, ""Me Stan, ba-chomp, ba-chewy-chomp, ba-chewy-chomp.  Back to you in the studio."
TV Newscaster,"Thanks Tom, police are requesting that if you see this little eight-year old boy you immediately kill him and burn his body.  That's all for now."
TV Voice,Now back to Jesus and Pals.
Jesus,"-- Yea, the way is paved with gold for ye who seek truth and-"
Big Stan,Ba-ba-chomp-betchaba-chewy-chewy-chomp-aaah.
Jesus,Jesus!
Big Stan,its-to-the-left-mayoueyea.
Stan,"Officer Barbrady, my evil genetic clone is destroying the town.  We have to find him."
Officer Barbrady,"You boys have been watching the ""X-Files"" too much, there's no such thing as genetic clone -"
Big Stan,Ahhhh
Officer Barbrady,"Whoa!  Listen, uh, you kids go on home, there's nothing to see here."
Kyle,"Come on, let's go!"
Uncle Jimbo,"There you are!  Stanley, you tore up my entire gun shop, you better have a good explanation for this mister!"
Stan,"It wasn't me Uncle Jimbo, it was my evil genetic clone."
Mr. Garrison,"Stanley, what the hell has gotten in to you?!  You have got severe lunchroom duty mister!"
Uncle Jimbo,I'm gonna go have a word with your father Stanley.
Mr. Garrison,"Yeah, you wait 'til your father hears about this."
Kyle,"Wait, Stan, there he goes."
Stan,Stop!
Big Stan,"Ahhh, ba-ba-chomp?"
Kyle,He recognizes you dude.
Stan,"That's good, that's good dude.  Just calm down."
Big Stan,"Ba-chomp, eh mee ahh jaran."
Kyle,What should we do with him?
Stan,"Stan, how would you like to go home and meet your sister?"
Big Stan,"Ahhhh, yeahhh."
Stan,"…So remember, Shelly's the one with the big wire coming out of her mouth and a metal plate on her back.  When you see Shelly, kick her ass.  Shelly bad, Shelly very bad."
Big Stan,Me bad??
Stan,"No!  Shelly bad, you good.  He's tearing up the house, stop him!  Come on Kyle, Cartman."
Big Stan,Ah.
Shelly,What the hell do you want?
Big Stan,Chewy-chewy-chomp.  Ahhh.  Uhhh.
Mephesto,"Boys! Boys, I'm lusciously sorry for everything."
Terrance,"Hey, they've got our clone.  He belongs to us."
Mephesto,"No son, this beast is a disgrace to genetic engineers everywhere.  Boys, I'm sorry I've caused you such - inconvenience.  I tried to play God, and I failed."
Terrance,Daddy! Nooooo!
Mephesto,"All I ever wanted was to genetically engineer something useful, but I failed.  Perhaps we shouldn't be toying with God's creations.  Perhaps we should just leave nature alone, to its simple one assed schematics."
Terrance,"You cheating bastards.  This isn't over, just wait until tomorrow."
Kyle,"Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You bastards!"
Stan,"Mom and dad are home.  My house is a disaster, you guy- you guys have got to help me."
Cartman,I ain't helpin' crap!  I want to eat some paeh.
Stan,You can't just leave me here alone.
Cartman,"Oh yeah, watch me."
Kyle,"Yeah Stan, we have to go find out if Cartman's pig is pregnant or not.  See ya."
Stan,Thanks a lot.
Shelly,"Ohh boy, you are gonna get it now."
Stan,It isn't fair!  Everybody hates me!  The whole town wants me killed!  Mom and dad are gonna send me away!  I don't want to be sent away!  I want to stay here!  Eehhhehehe!
Randy,"Stanley, what, what in God's name have you been doing?"
Carol,Everybody in town is upset with you young man.  What's going on?  Are you on drugs?
Shelly,It's not Stan's fault.
Randy,Huh?
Shelly,"It wasn't Stan, he was…it was with me the whole time."
Randy,"Oh, well Stan, we're uh, we're sorry we jumped to conclusions."
Carol,"Oh honey, please forgive us son."
Stan,"Shelly, you, you saved my life.  And yet, you've done so much more than that.  Today you've taught me the meaning of family.  Sure, families don't always get along, but when the forces of evil descend upon us, we conquer them, by sticking together.  Uh, ahh, oooh."
Mr. Garrison,"Everyone, let's give K. C. and his weed a big hand.  Okay Kyle, we're ready to see your science project."
Kyle,"Well, our pig hasn't given birth yet, but she should anytime now."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, well then I guess you get an 'F'.  Okay, Terrance, I know the class can hardly wait to see your science fair project."
Terrance,"Thank you Mr. Garrison.  Boys, Mr. Garrison, fellow students, for our science fair project Bill, Fosse, and I have spawned a creature genetically far superior to man.  I present to you, the five-assed monkey."
Monkey,Ahhheh.
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, Mr. Hat, isn't it beautiful."
Stan,"Wait, wait, the pig just gave birth.  It, it had a baby!"
Kid 1,It had a baby?
Kid 2,Oh wow!
Clyde,What's it look like?
Kyle,"Does it look like a pig, or an elephant?"
Cartman,"Hey, it kind of looks like Mr. Garrison."
Mr. Garrison,"Ohh, uh, gee, isn't that an amazing coincidence?  Hmm, what are the odds of that?"
Mr. Hat,Hmmm. You boys get first prize.
Cartman,That'll do pig.
Marsh Family,"Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear grampa..."
Grampa,Uhhhhh.
Marsh Family,...Happy birthday to you.
Sharon,Now blow out the candles grampa.  Hurray!!!
Randy,"How's it feel to be 102, paps?"
Grampa,Shoot me.
Sharon,Make a wish grampa.
Grampa,I wish I were dead
Randy,"Ha, ha, ha, that's our silly grampa."
Grampa,"I'm not being silly! Kill me. I'd do it myself, but I'm too damn old."
Sharon,"Ooh, who wants ice cream with their cake?"
Shelly,I will.
Randy,Me.
Stan,"It's eight o'clock, my favorite TV show is on."
Shelly,"That showsh for babiesh, it'sh show shtupid."
Stan,"Can I eat my cake in the living room mom? Please, can I?"
Sharon,"Oh, alright, but take your grampy with you."
Stan,"Aw, dammit!"
Sharon,Language.
TV Announcer,And now back to Terrance & Phillip
Phillip,"Hey Terrance, I think I have to fart."
Terrance,"Wait, before you do, pull my thumb."
Stan,Heheheh hehehe...
Grampa,"Uhhhhh  Ah, dammit!  How would you like to make a dollar Billy?"
Stan,"My name's not Billy grampa, it's Stan."
Grampa,"Dammit Billy, do you want a dollar or don't ya?"
Stan,Sure.
Grampa,Ok. You just have to do one thing for me.
Stan,I'm not gonna kill you grampa.
Grampa,Why not?
Stan,"'Cause, I'll get in trouble."
Grampa,I killed my grampa when I was your age.
Stan,Leave me alone grampa.
Grampa,What has America's youth come to? Kids won't even kill their own gramparents.
Phillip,"Hey Terrance, now that you've farted, I think I might fart too."
Terrance,"Ohhh, you farted."
Sheila,"Kyle, bubbe, what are you watching?"
Terrance,"Hey Phillip, would you like a flower?"
Phillip,I sure would Terrance.
Terrance,"Alrighty then, here's a two-lip."
Sheila,What is this?  It's horrible!
Kyle,"Dude, it's Terrance & Phillip."
Phillip,Take that you stupid dick.
Sheila,What did he say?
Terrance,You're an asshole Phillip.
Sheila,"Whatwhatwhaaat?!!?  Young man, you are not to watch that show anymore! It's immature toilet humor!"
Kyle,But everybody watches Terrance & Phillip.
Sheila,Oh really? Is that so?
Terrance,"Oh no Phillip, looks like you're about to fart."
Phillip,You're exactly right Terrance. Oh.
Terrance,Oh no.
Cartman,"Ha, ha, ha, that's sweet!"
Liane,"Eric dear? I just got a call from your friend Kyle's mother. She said that this show is naughty, and might make you a potty mouth."
Cartman,That's a bunch of crap! Kyle's mom is a dirty Jew!
Liane,"Ohhh, okay hon."
Stan,I'm not going to kill you grampa!
Grampa,Ingrate!
Stan,Good night grampa.
Grampa,You pompous son of a whore!
Student,"Huh huh, I had another ..."
Kyle,Ow! What the hell was that for?!
Cartman,That's for your stupid mother! She made me miss Terrance & Phillip last night!
Clyde,"Yeah, what's the big idea having your mom call all our moms last night?"
Kyle,Well I didn't have her do it. She did it on her own.
Cartman,"Why does this happen every month? It seems like, right around the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something and I always end up getting screwed by it!"
Mr. Garrison,Children! Children! A certain student's mother called me last night.
Cartman,"Oh, gee, I wonder who's mother that could have been?"
Mr. Garrison,"She informed me that some of you might be watching a, a naughty show called Terrance & Phillip."
Class,"Yeahh, woohoo!"
Mr. Hat,"Watching that show is bad, Mr. Garrison."
Mr. Garrison,"That's right Mr. Hat, shows like Terrance & Phillip are what we call 'toilet humor.' They don't expand your minds.  You see children, these kind of shows are senseless, vile trash.  Kenny, why are you late to class?  Oh, okay Kenny, be seated.  Now, as I was saying, the reason that parents of South Park are so upset is because...  Yes Kenny, what is it?"
Kenny,(I have to go pee.)
Mr. Garrison,I thought you just came from the bathroom.
Kenny,"(I did, I gotta go again...)"
Mr. Garrison,"Okay okay, go ahead.  As I was saying, you all seem to enjoy this show, even though it isn't based in reality. There's much more to life than two young men farting on each other. And throughout history there have always been shows that have come and gone that have been very bad, and usually they get taken right off the air. You see, you should be spending your time enlightening your minds with more intelligent entertainment."
Stan,"Whoa, smells like you slaughtered a cow in there Kenny!"
Mr. Garrison,"Pay attention children!  I'm going to join your parents in requesting that you don't watch Terrance & Phillip any more, ever."
Cartman,What?
Clyde,Not watch Terrance & Phillip ever?
Mr. Garrison,"That's right children. Are there any questions?  Yes, Stanley?"
Stan,Is it okay to kill somebody if they want you to?
Mr. Garrison,"What, what do you mean?"
Stan,"My grampa keeps asking that I kill him all the time, and sometimes I wonder if I should."
Kyle,"Well, then you should. I think that a person has a right to die if they wanna."
Stan,Really??
Kyle,"Yeah, there's this guy named Jack Leborkian that goes around and murders people that ask him to, and he doesn't get in any trouble at all."
Stan,Wow!
Cartman,"Hey, maybe we can get him to Kyle's mom!"
Stan,"So, is it okay to assist somebody with suicide, Mr. Garrison?"
Mr. Garrison,"Uh, Stan, I'm not touching that one with a twenty-foot pole."
Kenny,(Oh my God!)  (Owww!)
Cartman,Man! I can't believe we're gonna miss Terrance & Phillip today. I think I'm already having withdrawal.
Stan,"Don't worry dude, we can all go watch it at my house. My parents don't get home until late."
Kyle,But won't your grampa be there?
Stan,Yeah...
Cartman,"Just kill 'im dude, maybe he'll give you some money."
Chef,Hello there children.
Stan,Hey Chef.
Chef,How's it goin'?
Stan,Bad.
Chef,Why bad?
Stan,"Chef, is it okay to kill your grampa?"
Chef,"You can't kill my grampa Stan, he's already passed on."
Stan,"No, I mean, kill my grampa."
Chef,"No, I don't think that's okay Stan. In fact, I think that's illegal."
Stan,"See, I told you dude."
Kyle,"Well, yeah, but what if the grampa wants to die, cause he's really old, and he's just asking for help?"
Cartman,"Yeah, like assisted suicide. What about that?"
Chef,I don't want to touch that with a forty foot pole.
Stan,What's the big deal? Why won't anybody talk about this.
Sheila,And I myself was not aware of this horrible show until recently. I have a clip to demonstrate exactly what I mean.
Terrance,"Hey Phillip, guess what?"
Phillip,What?
Terrance,Fart.
Sheila,"Now apparently, that's supposed to be funny."
Randy,"Heh, heh, heh, he farted right on his head, heh heh,"
Sheila,Not allowing our kids to watch this show is not enough. We need to boycott the entire network! All those in favor...
Mr. Garrison,"Ohh, I think I've caught a touch of the flu from little Kenny this morning. I've got the green apple splatters."
Townsman,"Ha ha, green apple splatters."
Grampa,Uhhhh
Stan,"Hi grampa, I brought my friends over to watch TV, if that's okay."
Grampa,"Billy, help grampa stick this fork in the outlet."
Stan,"No grampa, I'll get in trouble."
Grampa,"Kill me, God dammit!"
Stan,"No, I can't even kill a deer."
Grampa,"Well then, have one of your little friends do it. You can kill me can't ya?"
Cartman,I would never kill somebody... not unless the piss me off.
Grampa,"Ohh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell you something, Porky. Your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little bitch."
Cartman,What!
Grampa,That's right.
Stan,Grampa!
Grampa,"And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton, and had my way with her too."
Cartman,Hey!
Grampa,"Choice piece of ass, your great-grandma."
Cartman,You piece of crap! I'll kill you!
Grampa,That's the spirit Tubby.
Stan,"Come on Cartman, he's just trying to get to you."
Cartman,Don't talk about my mom like that!
Stan,We can go watch Terrance & Phillip in the kitchen.
Grampa,"I ever tell you about the time I boofed your dad, Fatso?"
Cartman,"Ah, I can't believe that son of a bitch!"
Stan,"Here Cartman, have some Snacky Cakes."
Cartman,"Oooh, Snacky Cakes, god dang."
Stan,"I don't know what to do dude, my grampa really wants to die."
Kyle,"I'm telling you, it's okay. Maybe you should ask the Lord for guidance."
Stan,"Hey, yeah!"
TV Announcer,"And now, back to 'Jesus and Pals' on South Park Public Access."
Jesus,"Yea, believe in me and ye shall find peace.  First caller, you're on 'Jesus and Pals'"
Caller,"Yeah, is this Jesus?"
Jesus,"Yes, yes caller, you need to turn your TV down, that's why you're getting that weird feedback."
Caller,"Oh, sorry.  Uh, this is Martin..."
Jesus,"Martin, from Aspen Park, yes, I know."
Martin,How the hell'd you know that?
Jesus,"Well, maybe because I'm the Son of God, brainiac, now, do you have a question?"
Martin,"Uh, yeah, uh, I have this cousin who, who cheated on the SAT's and-"
Jesus,"Tell little Gregory that cheating is lying and lying is wrong, no matter what the circumstance."
Martin,"Oh, oh, okay, thanks for the advice, Jesus."
Jesus,"Next caller, you're on the air."
Stan,Jesus?
Jesus,Yes my son?
Stan,"Jesus, is, is it okay to kill somebody if they ask you to, because they're in a lot of pain, you know, like, assisted suicide, is that okay?"
Jesus,My son...
Stan,Yes?
Jesus,I'm not touching that with a sixty foot pole.  Next caller.
Stan,Goddammit!
Jesus,I heard that.
Stan,What the hell is wrong with everybody?
Cartman,"Hey you guys, Terrance & Phillip is on!"
Kyle,"Yeah, hey, do you think we'll get in trouble for watching it?"
Stan,"Kyle, don't be such a butthole!"
Cartman,"Yeah, just cause your mom is a stupid bitch doesn't mean the whole world has to suffer."
Kyle,"Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Oh, biiitch.  Your—mom—is--a--bi-bi-bii-biittchh."
TV Announcer,And now back to Terrance & Phillip.
Terrance,"Hey Phillip, would you like to eat some beans."
Phillip,"Oho yeah, I love beans."
Cartman,"Uh oh, I bet I know what's coming."
Grampa,"Billy, would you mind holding this for grampa please?"
Stan,"Okay grampa, okay, just get out of the way of the TV."
Terrance,"Hey Phillip, it looks like those beans might make me fart."
Phillip,"Well, don't fart on me Terrance."
Cartman,"Dude, he's gonna fart on his head again."
Kenny,(Oh my God!)
Cartman,"Hey, you're gonna miss it Kenny."
Phillip,"You're such an asshole, Terrance."
Terrance,"Haha, that I am!"
Kenny,(Ow!)
Cartman,"Hurry up Kenny, you're gonna miss the fart."
Shelly,Jesus! What the hell are you doing?
Stan,"We're not watching Terrance & Phillip, I swear. I, I mean, Cartman was watching it."
Shelly,"No, I mean, what the hell are you doing to grampa?!"
Grampa,"Tug - a - little harder, Billy."
Stan,Aaah!!
Grampa,"Uh, ow."
Shelly,You little jerk!  You were trying to kill grampa! I'm telling mom!
Grampa,Dammit! I was so close.
TV Announcer,"Four third graders from South Park, Colorado, were found trying to viciously murder an innocent grandfather."
Talk Show Host,"Boys, how did you get driven so far to the edge? What changed you into such demonic little bastards?"
Stan,"We didn't know what we were doing. We were just sitting there, watching Terrance & Phillip and..."
Talk Show Host,"Terrance & Phillip, aha! So it is that show that is to blame."
Sheila,"These boys minds have been tainted by the garbage on television that they see, and we are fed up!"
Crowd,Woooo!
Townsman,Huh? Oh god! Oh god!
Sheila,"We have to stop this smut from going on the air. We will march to the network and protest until our demands are met. New York, here we come!"
Sheila,"We are spreading the word to this establishment that we demand better television, for our children!  We want more quality television, like Full House."
Randy,"Oh, I think you gave me the stomach flu, Mr. Garrison."
Mr. Garrison,"No, no, it was that little Kenny bastard that gave it to me."
Randy,"Whoa, Mayor, you, uh, making gravy in there? Heh, heh, heh, heh."
Mayor,I just had a brown baby boy.
Stan,"Dude, this is sweet, not having parents around."
Kyle,"Yeah, I hope they protest TV shows forever."
All,Whoopeee!
Grampa,"Come here Billy, I want to show you something."
Stan,"Aww, do I have to?"
Grampa,"Yes you do, you little pecker! I realized that the reason you won't kill me  is because you don't understand how I feel, Billy, but now I found a way to show you what it feels like to be a grampa."
Stan,"Hey, what are you doing?!"
Kyle,What are they doing in there?
Cartman,I don't know.
Grampa,"Now, you're about to see what it's like to be as old as me. Are you ready Billy?"
Stan,"Uh, I guess.  Okay, you, you can let me out now."
Grampa,Not just yet.
Stan,"Let me out grampa!  I can't take it anymore, this music is terrible, it's, it's cheesy, but lame and eerily soothing at the same time."
Grampa,"That's it, now you know what it feels like to be grampa."
Stan,"Eh, grampa, I had no idea how bad it was for you. Now I understand."
Grampa,So now will you kill me Billy?
Stan,"Sure I will grampa, I will."
Liane,"Hehh, it doesn't look like our protest is working."
Sheila,"It'll work, it has to."
Townsman,Look! It's the president of the network.
John Warzog,"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is John Warzog, I've prepared a statement for you on behalf of the network.  Fuck you.  Thank you ladies and gentlemen. If there are any questions, you may direct them to that brick wall over there."
Sheila,"Hey, you will not get away with this!  That does it, no more Mr. Nice Protesters. It's time for 'Plan B'."
Liane,"Ohho, Carol, where are the Porto-Potties?"
Sheila,"Over there hon. What, you need to drop some friends off at the pool?"
Liane,"Ohhh, yes, indeedy."
Stan,"Okay grampa, all you have to do is sit there. We'll do the rest.  You got the cow all tied up?"
Kyle,"Yep, all done."
Stan,"'Kay, come on guys."
Cartman,Why don't we just shoot him?
Stan,"You dumbass Cartman, it has to look natural, or else we'll all get busted."
Kyle,"Yeah, stupid!"
Grampa,"That's good Billy, a little higher now."
Cow,Moooo!
Sheila,"The network is not taking us seriously. In the past, people have had to die for what they believed in, and we are prepared to do the same. Ready?  Mr. McCormick, you shall be a martyr to us all. God Speed. We will not let these corporate half-wits ruin our children's minds. Launch!  We will all follow suit, one by one if that's what it takes."
Stan,Are you ready grampa?
Grampa,Does the pope crap in the woods?
Police Radio,"7 Mary 5, code 6 - 105 North Avenue 52."
Cow,Mooo!
Officer Barbrady,Carry on.
Stan,"Ok, here we go. Bye grampa, it was nice knowing you."
Grampa,"Uhh, cut the damn rope already!"
Stan,What is that?!
Kyle,"Well, it, it looks like..."
All,Death!
Death,Mrrrrr!
Grampa,"It's about time you lazy-ass son of a whore.  Come on, let's go.  What the...?"
Stan,"Hey, he's coming towards us."
Kyle,Why is Death coming after us?
Death,Mrrr.
Kids,Ahhh!
Cartman,"Aaaah, runrunruuun!"
Death,Mrrr.
Kyle,What are we gonna do?
Death,Mooorrrr!
Newscaster,"As the day progresses, more and more South Park residents continue to sling shot their bodies into the side of the 'Toon Central building. Toon Central is now under incredible pressure to cancel the show, and has already lost over 20% of their sponsors."
Sheila,"Here Carol, I think it's your boy."
Carol,"Oh thanks. What is it Stanley-hon, did you break something?"
Stan,"Mom! Death is here, and and he's trying to take us all away with him!"
Carol,"Stanley, honey, you need to leave mommy alone, I'm doing something very, very important for your little well-being there."
Stan,"Yeah, but, mom!"
Carol,"Here honey, talk to your father."
Randy,Did you turn the heat down?
Stan,"Dad, Death is coming!"
Randy,"Keep the thermostat under 70, and take care of your grandfather."
Death,Mrrrr!
Stan,"Dammit! You know, I think that if parents would spend less time worrying about what their kids watch on TV, and more time worrying about what's going in in their kid's lives, this world would be a much better place."
Kyle,"Yeah, I think that parents only get so offended by television because the rely on it as a babysitter, and the sole educator of their kids."
Kenny,"(You know what I think? Basically, if you let the decision of what you watch stop at the parents' control, then what can you see? It'll stay the same because they'll just get offended although their kids are not delighted with the television series they put on for their kids.)"
Stan,Totally dude.
Kyle,Good point man.
Death,Mrrrr!
Kids,Ahhhh!
Stan,"Quick, jump through the window."
Cartman,"Ehh, eh, ehhhh!"
Death,Mrrrr!
Kids,Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!
Grampa,Come back here you pompousy son of a pansy!
Kids,Aaaah!
Kyle,Don't let him touch you! You die if he touches you!
Grampa,Come over here you son of a whore!
Phillip,"Uhh, oh Terrance? What color is the wind?"
Terrance,"Hmmm, I don't know, why don't you check?"
Phillip,"Oh, you farted."
Terrance,Ohho God.
Terrance,"Hey Phillip, you know what my space suit smells like?"
Phillip,"No Terrance, why don't you tell me?"
Terrance,"Well, it smells like, a dirty fart!"
Stan,Hey look!
Phillip,"Oh, there's one."
Newscaster,"Hours have passed, and still the die hard South Park parents are killing themselves in front of the 'Toon Central building, one by one. Worse yet, the stomach flu that seems to be going around is...  Wait, wait, I'm getting word that the president of the network is going to make a statement!"
Townsman,"Wait, wait."
John Warzog,"Ladies and gentlemen, your nazi-esque tactics of trying to stink us out with your rancid feces ... has worked.  Therefore, today we will be officially taking Terrance & Phillip off the network and replacing it with reruns of She's the Sheriff, starring Suzanne Sommers.  Now get away from here, and take your diarrhea with you!"
Townsman,"Huh, oh no!"
Sheila,"At last, now we can return to normality."
Terrance,Hey Phillip.
Phillip,Yes Terrance?
Terrance,Is there a penny stuck in my butt?
Phillip,"Well I don't know, Terrance, let me check."
Cartman,"Uh oh, don't look there, Phillip, you're gonna get farted on."
TV Announcer,We interrupt this program to bring you loud static.
Death,Mrrrrr!
Kids,Ahhh!
Kyle,"Oh my God, they killed Kenny. You Bastard!!!"
Stan,"Wow, I guess Death was just coming after Kenny the whole time."
Grampa,"Hey, you were supposed to kill me!"
Death,Mrrr.
Grampa,"That's not fair, Goddammit! My grampa asked me to kill him and I did it."
Stan,Whoa!
Great-Great-Grampa,Billllyyyy...
Grampa,Grampa?
Great-Great-Grampa,"That's right, Billy."
Grampa,"My name's not Billy, grampa. And what's wrong with you? Why do you look all haggard?"
Great-Great-Grampa,"I asked you to kill me Billy, but I was wrong. And now I'm forced to spend eternity in limbo."
Grampa,Limbo?
Great-Great-Grampa,"I was wrong to put you in that position Billy, just like you're wrong to put Little Billy in it now. You're so obsessed with ending your life, you're not thinking about what you're doing to his. You must wait to die of natural causes."
Grampa,But I've been waiting for 25 years.
Great-Great-Grampa,"Let nature run its course, or else end up in limbo. Natural causes Billy, natural causes..."
Stan,"Come on you guys, let's go home."
Sheila,Here they are!
Randy,"Well, we did it son, we fought a battle for your well being, and won."
Stan,What do you mean?
Carol,We got Terrance & Phillip taken off the air.
Cartman,"You son of a bitch, your mom sucks!"
Sheila,But look what they put on.
TV Announcer,And now back to She's the Sheriff.
Cartman,"Ohhh, God, No!"
Suzanne,You are the one behind all these shenanigans.
Dude,"Yeah, well you're the stupid ho that started it."
Sheila,What did he say?
Suzanne,"Up yours, buttmunch."
Sheila,"Whatwhatwhaaat!!!  Come on everybody, back to New York!"
Kyle,"Hey Stan, now that Terrance & Phillip has been taken off the air, what are we going to do for entertainment?"
Stan,"I don't know. We, we could start breathing gas fumes."
Cartman,My uncle says that smoking crack is kinda cool.
Kyle,"Hey, why don't we watch some of those porno movie thingies?"
Stan,Cool!
Cartman,Yeah!
Stan,What are you doing grampa?
Grampa,I'm planning a trip to Africa. Did you know that over 400 people are eaten naturally by lions in Africa every year?
Stan,That's my silly grampa.
Comrade 1,Vladned chaviski. Bodad comrade Dobalsted.
Comrade 2,Graaah.
Comrade 1,Ayyy!
Comrade 2,"Porchad. Hehe, vlided il chalfeka"
Comrade 1,"Shtaad, boded but shtaad."
Comrade 2,"Oh, shtool."
Comrade 1,Shtool.
Stan,Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
Kyle,You bastards!
Cartman,What the hell is that thing?
Kyle,It looks like a UFO.
Cartman,There's no such thing as UFOs.
Paramedic,Let's get 'im to the morgue.
Cartman,"Hey, wait til you see my Halloween costume tomorrow. It kicks ass."
Kyle,"Dude, it can't be cooler than mine."
Stan,"Hey man, we gotta get home and get our costumes ready."
Mortician,"You know, I think death is least funny when it happens to a child."
Marty,"Oh, yes, I know what you mean."
Mortician,"Marty, do you have to put that stuff on everything?"
Marty,"I don't know, it ju- it just makes everything taste so...English."
Mortician,"Well, let's let him drain."
Mortician,"...So then the necrophiliac says, ""If this ain't a cadaver then I-""  Hey!"
Marty,Aaah!  God damn! That little turd bit me!
Mortician,Me too!
Kyle,"Ha ha, you look like a pansy."
Stan,Shut up Kyle!
Kyle,"What uh, what are you supposed to be?"
Stan,I'm Raggedy Andy.
Kyle,Hehe. Why the hell did you dress up like Raggedy Andy dude?
Stan,"Wendy's going as Raggedy Ann, and she said this way we'd win the costume contest for sure."
Kyle,No way dude. I'm gonna win the costume contest with this sweet Chewbacca costume.
Stan,Wendy said that first prize is two tons of candy.
Kyle,Wow! Cool!
Cartman,"Hey, dudes."
Kyle,Cartman! What kind of costume is that?
Cartman,"It's Adolf Hitler costume. Sieg Heil, sieg heil."
Stan,Where'd you get that?
Cartman,"My mom made it, isn't it cool?"
Kyle,No it's not cool!
Cartman,"What are you supposed to be Stan, Howdy Doody?"
Stan,"No, I'm Raggedy Andy, fatass!"
Cartman,"Ohh, heh- wow, you look pretty cool."
Kyle,Hehe. Sissy.
Stan,"I'll kick your ass, Kyle!"
Cartman,"Oh look out, Holly Hobby's all pissed off!"
Stan,"Hey look, Kenny's not dead."
Kyle,You forgot to wear a costume Kenny.
Stan,"Yeah, what's the matter? Couldn't your family afford a costume for you?"
Kyle,"Yeah, why's your family so poor Kenny?"
Cartman,"Kenny's family is so poor that, yesterday, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.  I said, your family had to put a cardboard box up for a second mortgage, Kenny!  I'm talking to you Kenny, achtung!  Poor piece of crap."
Ms. Crabtree,"COME ON, WE'RE RUNNING LATE!"
Stan,"Aah, we're always running late you ugly stank."
Ms. Crabtree,WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan,"I said, ""I can't wait to own a fishing tank."""
Ms. Crabtree,"Oh, neither can I."
Doctor,Very interesting.
Mortician,"What, what is it doc?"
Doctor,"Well, your- your temperature is only 55 degrees, you have no pulse, no heartbeat, and your, your eyes are all puffy and sticky."
Mortician,"Oh no, you mean..."
Doctor,"Yeah, I'm afraid the two of you have - Pink Eye.  I'd give you topical medicine, but I don't wanna touch ya."
Marty,"Oh I'm so hungry, and all I can think about eating is, eh, brains!"
Doctor,"Yeah, well for God sake don't touch your eyes. I'll prescribe some antibiotics."
Kyle,Just wait till everyone sees my sweet Chewbacca costume. They're gonna be so jealous...
Stan,"Whoa, dude!"
Kyle,Everyone came as Chewbacca?!
Mr. Garrison,It sure does seem to be a popular costume this year Kyle.
Mr. Hat,Roar.
Kyle,Dammit!
Stan,Wendy?
Wendy,"Hi, Stan."
Stan,"You said we were going to be Raggedy Ann and Andy, remember?"
Wendy,Yeahhh?
Stan,We were going to enter the costume contest as a pair.
Wendy,"I know, but then... I guess I just realized how stupid we would look."
Stan,You what?!
Wendy,"I thought you would reach the same conclusion, so, I came as Chewbacca."
Bill,Heheh. Heheh.
Fosse,"Hey Stan, you look almost pretty enough to kiss."
Bill,"Yeah, you want to be my girlfriend? Huhuh."
Fosse,Yehaha.
Bill,Huhuh.
Cartman,"There, you see? All of a sudden, my costume is pretty badass, huh?"
Kyle,"Dude, dressing up like Hitler is not badass!"
Cartman,You're just jealous! Why don't you go back to Endor you stupid wookie?!
Kyle,Wookies don't live on Endor!
Cartman,Wookies don't live on Endor.
Kyle,Well at least my mom's not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!
Cartman,What?! What did you say?!
Mr. Garrison,"Okay now, all you little Chewbaccas take your seats.  Children, since today is Halloween, I thought we should learn something about the great horror writer, Jackie Collins. You see, when Jackie Collins first wrote her novel-"
Wendy,Eww.
Mr. Garrison,"Is there a problem Kenny?  Let's try to keep our hands and arms to ourselves, okay?"
Kyle,I'm never gonna win that two tons of candy looking like everybody else!
Liane,"Oooh, I'm gonna decorate the house for Halloween,with scary ghosts and bats and creepy crawly things...Hello there!"
Zombie,Uuuhh.
Liane,Happy Halloween!
Zombie Mortician,Must eat brains.
Liane,It's the most wonderful time of the yeardo do do do do do do do-
Passer-by,Aaargh!!! Oh my God!!!
Kyle,I'm gonna make a new costume during recess. I can still win that candy.
Cartman,"Hey Kenny, are you gonna eat your pudding?  No Eric, go ahead and take my pudding, if you'd like.  Why thank you Kenny. How nice of you."
Kyle,Aren't you hungry Kenny?
Stan,"He hasn't moved an inch, or said anything."
Chef,Hello children.
"Kyle, Stan",Hey Chef.
Chef,What in the hell are you doing dressed up like that?!
Cartman,Eating Kenny's pudding.
Principal Victoria,"Hello there, children. Ooh, love the Elvis costume, Chef."
Chef,Elvis? I'm Evel Knievel. Why the hell would I dress up like Elvis?
Principal Victoria,"Well, why the hell would you dress up like Evel Knievel?  Anyway, I hope that you kids are-Daagh!  Eric, God bless it, what do you think you're doing?!"
Cartman,"Hey, he said I could have his pudding! Ask him yourself.  That's right, Principal Victoria. It's okay with me because Eric is cool."
Principal Victoria,"Where did you get that costume, young man?!"
Cartman,"My mom made it. Sieg Heil, Sieg Heil!"
Principal Victoria,"Sshh! Oh, God bless America.  You get into my office before anyone else sees you. I have to show you an educational video."
Cartman,"Eeehh, I don't want to see a educational video-o."
Clyde,"Owww, you bit my arm!"
Kyle,"Oh, good. Kenny's back to normal."
Principal Victoria,Watch the video Eric.
Narrator,"Adolph Hitler was a very, very naughty man."
Hitler,Schnell ach. Lovental bros lieben. Alle Menschen werden Brüder. Doktor Stalin? Alarm! Menchoss? Zellan vei zamboa-
Cartman,"Juden est verboten, a den ascriber utz, kapieda hockuh. Juden est verboten, God dammit!"
Puffy the Bear,"So remember kids, dressing like Hitler in school isn't cool!"
Principal Victoria,"Now, do you have any questions?"
Cartman,Could I see that again? That was cool.
Principal Victoria,"You must remove that costume, immediately!"
Cartman,"I can't, I have to win those two tons of candy."
Principal Victoria,"Well, how about we make you a new costume. Let's see now.  Aha, thought of something. How about we make you a nice scary ghost costume?"
Cartman,I don't wanna be a stupid scary ghost!
Principal Victoria,"Aaand, let me just make a few quickie alterations, and there ya go, young man."
Jogger,"Ho, looks like they got a touch of that pink eye that's going around."
Cartman,Boo! I'm a ghost.
Stan,"Oh man, I feel like a total choad."
Cartman,"Aw, come on Stan, maybe that's just because you look like a total choad."
Chef,"Hello, children."
Cartman,Hey Chef.
Chef,Aaaaah!
Cartman,"Whoa, Chef's really scared of ghosts, huh?"
Stan,"Hey, where's Kyle?"
Kyle,Check this out!
Stan,"Whoa, dude!"
Cartman,What is that?
Kyle,I'm the whole solar system! The planets even all revolve the right way. That tub of candy is as good as mine!
Mr. Garrison,"Okay children, let's get you lined up so the judge can get a good look at your stupid little costumes.  Children, this year we have a celebrity judge, the star of 'Family Ties', Miss Tina Yothers."
Cartman,Who?
Kyle,"Dude, I thought she was dead."
Stan,"Yeah, me too."
Mr. Garrison,"Thank you Miss Yothers.  Okay, the second place award for best costume goes to... Kenny, for his Edward James Olmos costume.  And the award for the very best costume goes to... Wendy, for her Chewbacca costume!"
Kyle,"What?! But she looks just like everybody else. Up yours, Tina Yothers!"
Mr. Garrison,"And the award for worst costume this year goes to... Stan, for his stupid little clown thing costume. Let's all point at Stan and laugh, children.  Yeah."
Stan,"Thanks a lot, Wendy! You ruined my Halloween!"
Wendy,Relax Stan. You'll feel better once we're out trick-or-treating.
Stan,I don't wanna trick-or-treat with you. You lied to me.
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children. Let's all gather around and bob for stupid apples now. You go first, Bebe.  That's good, just use those mouth muscles like the girls in Beijing."
Clyde,Brainnns. Ahh.
Mr. Garrison,Wait your turn Clyde.
Johnson,Uuuuuuuuuuuuuhh!
Chef,"Ah! Damn Johnson, what the hell's gotten into you?"
Johnson,Piiink eyyye.
Chef,Get the hell out of here Johnson! I don't want no god damn pink eye!
Tom,"...And the President responded to the incident by saying, quote, ""Screw those Commie bastards, and screw their little wussy space station.""  In other news, a pink eye epidemic is now sweeping the town of South Park. Here with a live report is a midget wearing a bikini."
Midget,"Thanks Tom, already more than half the townspeople here in South Park have been infected with the pink eye virus.  Symptoms include a complete loss of heart functions, blood pressure, lung activity, and of course, sticky puffy eyes."
Chef,Pink eye my ass. I've seen this kind of thing before.
Cartman,"Where the hell is Kyle, we don't have all night to wait for him."
Stan,I bet I get more candy than you dude.
Cartman,Are you crazy?! I'm the candy master.
Stan,"No, no, you're the ass master, there's a difference."
Cartman,"Hey, I'm not the one who walked around all day looking like Pippi Longstocking."
Stan,"Oh yeah? Well, at least my mom's not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!"
Cartman,"God damn it, my mom is not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!!"
Kyle,Hey dudes.
Stan,"Oh, good, you're here. Now let's make sure we got everything. Flashlight..."
Cartman,Check.
Stan,Plastic pumpkin pails...
Kyle,Check.
Stan,Taser...
Kyle,What's that?
Stan,"For shocking people who try to give us granola treats, or something."
Cartman,"Yeah, granola pisses me off."
"Kyle, Stan",Hey Kenny.
Cartman,"Whew! Eh, you stink Kenny."
Kyle,You still didn't get a costume Kenny?
Cartman,"Eh, too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire.  I said your dad would be a millionaire, get it?! Kenny?! Your family is poor Kenny!! Your family's poor!!!  I don't like Kenny anymore, he, he just doesn't communicate."
Wendy,Hi guys.
Cartman,Hi Wendy.
Stan,How's your barrel full of candy Wendy?!
Wendy,"Oh, I didn't want all that sweet stuff. I gave it away to hungry children in Nairobi."
Cartman,You what?! Are you insane?!
Wendy,Let's go trick-or-treats.
Stan,"I don't think so Wendy, I think you've had enough candy for one day."
Wendy,"Stan, I'm awful sorry you got dressed up like Raggedy Andy. Please don't be mad."
Cartman,How can he be mad with such pretty hair and rosy cheeks?
Stan,"Trick-or-treat with yourself, Wendy!"
Wendy,But Stan!
Stan,"No buts, Wendy! I wish you were dead!"
Wendy,AAAAAAAAAAAH!
Chef,Doctor!
Doctor,"Why, hello Chef. Let me guess, pink eye, right?"
Chef,"No, no doctor, I've seen this type of thing before. This ain't no pink eye, it's the living dead."
Doctor,What the hell are you talking about?
Chef,"Think about it: Dead people getting up and walking around, and Tina Yothers comin' to town? Coincidence?? Oooh I don't think so!"
Doctor,"Chef, Ah- I think maybe the pink eye has made you a little delirious. Le- let me give you some, some topical cream."
Chef,"Damn it, don't you see? These people have been thematized. They got no heartbeat, no feeling. I'll show you. Errr!"
Mr. Torres,Aaah!
Doctor,"Uhh, Mr. Torres was here for a routine check-up Chef."
Chef,"Oh, sorry.  But my point is, that topical cream ain't gonna fix what's wrong here."
Doctor,"Hey hey, now, now, there, there have been a lot of incredible advances in topical creams over the last few years."
Chef,"Doctor, who is the first person to come in here with the sickness?"
Doctor,"Well, uh, i- it was the mortician and his assistant at the morgue, yeah."
Chef,Aaaaaaaaaah!
Doctor,"Now, now, now let's, let's form a line, I've got enough topical cream for everybody.  Ahh!"
The Boys,Trick-or-treat!
Elderly Woman,"Ohh, how cute.  Aaah!"
Stan,"Dude, Kenny!"
Elderly Woman,"Oh, My God! Call 911, call 911!"
Cartman,"Nice going Kenny, she was about to give us candy."
Elderly Woman,Call 911!
Stan,"Yeah, she had Sweetie Pops."
Cartman,"You owe me a Sweetie Pop, asshole!"
Chef,"Mayor, we've got a big problem."
Mayor,"Ugh!  Why, why Chef. What a surprise!"
Officer Barbrady,You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
Chef,"Actually, uh-"
Mayor,"Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese Mafia."
Officer Barbrady,Not a thingy-dingy.
Chef,I don't really give a crap! We've got to do something about the living dead!
Mayor,"You mean, Tina Yothers?"
Chef,"No, dammit! I'm talking about the zombies that have taken over South Park!"
Officer Barbrady,"Well, Evel Knievel, why don't you jump over them with your rocket cycle?"
Chef,"Aw, the hell with you both!"
Mayor,"Well, let's get back to it."
Officer Barbrady,Righty-o.
The Boys,Trick-or-treat.
Dude,Hope you kids like chocolate-peanut butter-cream puffies.  Aaah!  Get it off! Get it off me!! Gaaah!
Cartman,Damn it! We'll never get any candy if Kenny keeps eating people!
Stan,"Yeah! That's it Kenny, you can't trick-or-treat with us anymore!"
Somebody,"Oh, God!"
The Boys,Trick-or-treat.
Cartman,Heyy. They're all dressed up like ghosts too.  One Tootie Bar? You cheap bastards!
Female,Oh my God!  Oh my God!  Nooo!
The Boys,Trick-or-t-Aaah!
Chef,Get off my property you brain eatin' zombie bastards!
The Boys,"Hey, Chef, trick-"
"Stan, Kyle",Chef! No!
Chef,"Oh, sorry children. I thought you were one of them."
Cartman,Can we have some candy now please?!
Chef,"Damn it boy, what in the hell are you doin' dressed up like that?!"
Cartman,I'm trying to trick-or-treat God dammit!
Chef,"Remind me to whup your ass good next time I see ya. Now, get in here before those zombies getcha!"
Stan,What are you talking about Chef?
Chef,Zombies children. South Park is overrun with the living dead. Haven't you noticed anything strange lately?
Kyle,"Well, not really, except that Kenny keeps eating people's brains."
Chef,"Don't you children see, Kenny's turned into a zombie. Along with everyone else in town."
Stan,"Oh my God, that means..."
Kyle,If everyone is turned into zombies...
Cartman,"Then, there won't be anyone to give us candy!  Aaah!"
Kyle,"Chef, you've gotta help us!"
Chef,I'm working on it children.
Stan,"Wait, where are we going?"
Chef,"The doctor said the first people he treated were the mortician and his assistant. Now, I've gotta hunch we'll get to the bottom of this... at the morgue."
Cartman,It was Kyle.
Stan,I don't know about this Chef.
Kyle,"Yeah, I'm scared."
Cartman,"Remember candy, focus on the candy."
Stan,What are we doing here Chef?
Chef,Just look for anything suspicious.
Kyle,I found it! I found it!
Stan,What?
Kyle,"See Cartman, your mom is on the cover."
Cartman,"Eh, shit..."
Stan,We told you dude.
Cartman,"You guys, shit..."
Chef,You better let me take that Kyle.
Stan,Hey Chef. Look.
Chef,I gotta call this hotline number children.
Pip,Piiink eye!
Cartman,It's the British kid! He's a little limey zombie now!
Pip,Aaah!
Chef,Look out children!
Zombie,"Ow, ooh, ow, gowuh-"
Stan,"Okay Chef, dial the hotline number. Chef?"
Kyle,Chef!!!
Chef,"I'm gonna make love, even when I'm dead.My body might get cold, but it's always hot in my bed.Make looove, don't you be afraid;Just because my heart ain't beatin', it don't mean you won't get laid."
Stan,Let's get out of here!
Chef,AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Stan,We gotta call that Worcecestershire sauce hotline.
Cartman,"Hey, there's a pay phone!"
Stan,You call the number Kyle.
Kyle,But the zombies are coming!
Stan,We'll hold 'em off.
Hotline Voice,"Welcome to the Worcestershire Sauce customer service hotline. For Worcestershire sauce recipes please press 1 followed by the pound sign. For Worcestershire sauce product placement, please press 2. If Worcestershire sauce has been used as embalming, please pr..."
Cartman,"Nobody screws up my trick-or-treats and gets away with it!  Aaah, kew!"
Stan,Sweet!
Hotline Voice,"Worcestershire sauce emergency hotline, this call might be monitored to ensure you the highest quality service, how may I help you?"
Kyle,There's a bunch of zombies here!
Hotline Voice,Please hold.
Stan,Wendy?
Wendy,Aaahahah!
Cartman,"Finish her dude, she's a zombie now!"
Stan,"I know, but uh-... but..."
Cartman,Come on Stan! Remember how she dissed you at the costume contest?
Stan,"Hey, yeah!"
Hotline Voice,"For regular sauce, the first thing you need to do is make sure that you do not just go out and start decapitating zombies left and right. Do you understand? Do not start decapitating zombies left and right!"
Kyle,"Uh, okay. Then what?"
Wendy,Aaahh.
Stan,"Wendy, I know we had a fight, and I did wish you were dead, but, I didn't mean it."
Cartman,Kill her Stan!
Hotline Voice,"All you have to do is kill the original zombie. The one that started the whole mess. Once you kill the original zombie, all the others zombies will turn back to normal."
Kyle,"Original zombie? Well, how the hell do we know who the original zombie is?!"
Hotline Voice,"We realize you have a choice in worcestershire sauces, we are delighted that..."
Kyle,"Wait a minute, that thing landed on Kenny, and they took him to the mortuary."
Wendy,Aaah!
Stan,"I, I can't."
Wendy,Aaah!
Kyle,Oh my God! I killed Kenny! You bastard!
Wendy,"Oh, what happened? Stan?"
Stan,Don't worry babe. Everything's going to be okay.
Kyle,It's working! They're turning back to normal.
Chef,You did it children!
Cartman,"Ok, let's go trick-or-treatin' now, come on!"
Wendy,I'm sorry I dissed you at school like that Stan. I guess I just wasn't very considerate of your feelings.
Stan,"That's okay Wendy, I'm sorry I wished you were dead."
Wendy,"Maybe we could actually kiss tonight Stan.  Eww, gross Stan, sick! Barf is gross!"
Stan,"Oh man, I can't believe he's gone."
Kyle,"Yeah, he was too young to be taken from us."
Stan,"Dude, you're the one who cut him in half with a chain saw."
Cartman,"Let, let us remember the good times, Kenny would have wanted it that way."
Stan,"You know, I've really learned something today. Halloween isn't about costumes, or candy. It's about being good to one another, and giving and loving."
Kyle,"...No, dude, that's Christmas."
Stan,"Oh, then, what's Halloween about?"
Kyle,Costumes and candy.
Stan,Oh.
Cartman,"Well, let's go home, start eating that candy."
Kyle,"We can eat it at Cartman's house, and see more naughty pictures of his mom."
Stan,Yeah.
Cartman,"Knock it off you guys, she said she was young, and needed the money."
Stan,"Cartman, those pictures were taken like, last month."
Cartman,"Lehh, eh, screw you guys!"
Kenny,"(Heeeeyyyy, kick ass)  (Ow!)"
Stan,That was awesome!
Kyle,Yeah!
Liane,Would you boys like some Cheesy Poofs?
Cartman,Get out of the way mah! The Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special is on.
Liane,Sure hon.
Cartman,"And yeah, we want Cheesy Poofs!"
Phillip,Hey Terrance! Looks like this might be a good place to start a new colony.
Terrance,It sure does Phillip. No one will oppress our religion here.
Phillip,AAAAAH!  Aaah! You stained my pilgrim hat butt-pipe!
Cartman,Did you guys see that? That was sweet.
TV Announcer,"Coming up next on the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special, Phillip farts on Terrance, and laughs."
Kyle,"Oh, cool."
TV Announcer,And now a word from our sponsor.
Sally Struthers,"Here in the heart of Africa children are dying. Not from disease or war, but from hunger. I'm Sally Struthers. These children are in desperate need, and only you can help."
Stan,"Hey, who's that fat chick?"
Kyle,"Sally Struthers, dude. She used to be on Full House."
Stan,Oh.
Sally Struthers,"You see, here, in the middle of Africa, food is extremely scarce."
Stan,Doesn't look like she's having any trouble finding food.
Kyle,"Yeah, she's fatter than Cartman."
Cartman,"Yeah, HEY!"
Sally Struthers,For just five dollars a month you can sponsor a child.
Cartman,"That's stupid, who the hell would want to do that?"
Sally Struthers,Sponsor now and we'll also send you this Teiko digital sports watch as a free gift.
Cartman,KICK ASS!!
Stan,SWEET!
Kenny,(Woohoo!)
Stan,I'll call. I know my mom's credit card number.
Kyle,Did they say if it's waterproof?
Stan,Hello? Is this Sally Struthers?  Oh.
Kyle,What did she say?
Stan,"Shut up butt-pirate, I'm trying to hear."
Kyle,Ass-raper.
Stan,Yeah? Yeah. We want to adopt a starving Ethernopian.
Cartman,When do we get the sports watch?
Stan,Just a second fat-ass!
Cartman,You vas-deferens!
Stan,"Hello? No, no, it's a ma- Vas-deferens?"
Kenny,"(Dude, it's a pipe for your peepee)"
Stan,Oh.
Kyle,Ask her if we get the watch right away.
Stan,Do we get the sports watch right away?  She says we do.
All,Cool.
Cartman,"I get to wear it first, you guys."
Kyle,I can't wait to get out of school and get our Teiko sports watch.
Cartman,"Yeah, but I get to wear it first, I said."
Mr. Garrison,"Children, children! To honor this special time of year we'll be doing a canned food drive. Does anybody know what a canned food drive is?  Yes, Eric?"
Cartman,When they cut up a chick's stomach to get a baby out?
Mr. Garrison,"Noo, that's a Caesarian Section Eric, but that's okay, remember, there are no stupid questions, just stupid people.  A canned food drive is when we collect canned food for poor people who can't afford to eat on Thanksgiving."
Stan,"You mean, like Kenny?"
Mr. Garrison,Exactly.
Cartman,Mr. Garrison? Why do poor people always smell like sour milk?
Mr. Garrison,"I don't know Eric, they just do.  Now children, I want each of you to bring in one can of food. And later, the mayor of South Park will divide it up amongst Kenny's family and other poor people."
Cartman,"I'm not bringin' in food for poor people, Screw them!"
Wendy,Don't you want to help those who are less fortunate?!
Cartman,"Hey you guys, do you hear something?! Ah- I think I hear the flower children calling!"
Wendy,This is the one time of year you're supposed to care about people who can't eat!
Cartman,"Isn't it enough that I pay taxes?! What about the poor houses that, that I pay for?!"
Wendy,Many would rather die than go to those places!
Cartman,"Well then, perhaps they should, and decrease the surplus population!"
Mr. Garrison,"Okay kids, that's enough Dickens for one day. Let's get on with our lesson, right Mr. Hat?"
Mr. Hat,"That's right, Mr. Garrison, Englebert Humperdink was the first person on the moon, who was the second?"
Clyde,Aaaah!
Mr. Garrison,What the hell is going on?!
Clyde,Aaaah!
Mr. Garrison,"Well, you don't see that everyday."
The Mayor,"Okay. Now, once we have all the canned foods collected we'll need some clever way to distribute them to the poor."
Aide 2,It should be something festive.
Mephesto,"Mayor, we've got a very big problem."
The Mayor,"Ahh, you're that insane genetic engineer from up on the hill, right?"
Mephesto,"Yes, and I may have made a horrible mistake. I was trying to genetically engineer turkeys for Thanksgiving."
The Mayor,Uh huh.
Mephesto,"You know, to provide food for the needy."
The Mayor,Of course.
Mephesto,"Well, something went wrong and the turkeys broke free. And the worst part is, they're REALLY pissed off."
The Mayor,"Naturally.  Oh, do go on."
Mephesto,"We have to stop them or, or they could destroy everything. Time is short."
The Mayor,You were saying?
Mephesto,"They act just like normal turkeys, except they're evil."
The Mayor,"Oh, my!"
Mephesto,Somehow I don't think you're taking me seriously.
The Mayor,Uh now why would you say that?
Everybody,Did it come? Did it come? Is it here yet?
Cartman,"I get to use it first you guys!  Mom, did our digital sports watch come yet?"
Liane,Not yet hon.
Stan,Damn.
Kyle,"Hey, look you guys."
TV Announcer,"And now, back to Part 2 of the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special ."
Terrance,"I sure am cold, Phillip."
Phillip,"Yes, and hungry too. Being a pilgrim totally sucks ass."
Terrance,"Gosh, I hope we don't starve."
Phillip,"Ah, a squeaker!"
Kyle,The digital sports watch is here.
Cartman,What the hell?
Stan,"Dude, that's not a digital sports watch."
Kyle,"Hey, it looks like one of those Etheropians."
Stan,"Oh man, they must have accidentally sent him instead of the sports watch."
Kyle,Maybe they took it literally when we said we wanted to adopt a kid.  Whoa! That was cool.
Stan,"Yeah, how did he make those clicking sounds?"
Kyle,What's your name dude?
Kid,Mabin.
Stan,I think he said his name is Marvin.
Cartman,"Yeah, Starvin' Marvin."
Kyle,Nice to meet you Starvin' Marvin.
Cartman,Hey mooom?
Liane,Yes hon?
Cartman,"We found a Etheropian, can we keep him?"
Liane,"Sure, hon."
Cartman,Sweet.
Stan,"Dude, let's bring him to school tomorrow."
Kyle,"Come on Starvin' Marvin, I want you to meet my little brother."
Cartman,No no! He's my son! I adopted him.
Stan,It was my mom's credit card.
Kyle,"Okay, okay, wewe'll switch off. Starvin' Marvin can stay here for a week, then at Stan's, then with me."
Cartman,"Yeah, and never with Kenny, because his family is too poor."
Kyle,Totally.
Cartman,Ahh!
Woman,Look how the leaves fall so delicately on the surface of the pond. It's so beautiful.
Man,Not as beautiful as you.
Woman,Ooooh.
Man,"Oh darling, look. Thanksgiving turkeys."
Woman,"Oohh, they're so beautiful."
Man,Not as beautiful as you.
Woman,"Look at the way they foam at the mouth, like beautiful suds of beer."
Man,Not as beautiful as-
Stan,This is a great way for you to experience America Starvin' Marvin. This is what we call an 'all you can eat buffet.'
Cartman,"Yeah. Here you get to eat all you want for only $6.99. That's why we all come here on Tuesday nights, except for Kenny's family 'cause to them $6.99 is two-years income.  Why is your family poor Starvin' Marvin? Is your dad an alcoholic too?  You see Starvin' Marvin, these are what we call appetizers."
Marvin,Ap-ee-tizer.
Cartman,"This is what you eat before you eat, to make you more hungry.  Welp, food is here, that's it for the appetizers."
Cartman,"No Starvin' Marvin, that's my pot-pie."
Stan,"Cartman, you butt-pipe, this is the time of year you're supposed to share."
Cartman,"Oh yeah, you're right.  Are you gonna eat all of your peach cobbler? No, you don't want all that, why don't you share it with me, man?  Just slide that right on over here. Let me just have some of that here..."
Mr. Garrison,"Children, children! I'm a little disappointed in your Thanksgiving spirit. Only a few cans have been donated to our canned food drive.  And can't we do a little better than ... Creamed Corn ... uh ... Creamed Corn ... and ... Creamed Corn?  Please bring in more diverse food children or else Kenny's family is going to have a pretty corny Thanksgiving.  Corny...Gravy...Corny Thanksgiving, hoo. Hahhaa. Anyway children, I understand a few of you have brought in something special for show-and-tell."
Stan,"Yeah, yeah, we do!"
Cartman,"Yeah, that's right."
Kyle,We do!
Mr. Garrison,"All right boys, show us what you've brought."
Kyle,"This is our new Ethernopian, Starvin' Marvin."
Stan,He can do really cool stuff with his voice. Show 'em Starvin' Marvin.
Cartman,"No, Starvin' Marvin, that's Kenny's creamed corn.  No Starvin' Marvin, that's a bad Starvin' Marvin!"
Mr. Garrison,"Boys, what the hell are you doing?! This is horribly, horribly wrong. How did you get this child?"
Stan,He was accidentally delivered to us instead of a sports watch.
Mr. Garrison,The sports watch from the commercial?
Kyle,"Yeah, that one."
Bebe,I want a Starvin' Marvin.
Clyde,Me too.
Pip,"Yes, I'll pay fifty dollars for one."
Class,"Yeah, I want one too, yeah me, me."
Mr. Garrison,"Boys, you're too young to take care of a child! I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the Red Cross and have him returned."
Kyle,"Ah, I told you we shouldn't have brought him to school dude."
Principal Victoria,"Okay, thank you very much. Yes, you can pick him up tonight. Bye now.  Now boys, I hope you've learned your lesson."
Stan,No.
Principal Victoria,You can't care for this child!
Kyle,But I thought we were supposed to care on Thanksgiving.
Principal Victoria,"Yes, but you don't actually get involved with the child's life. You're supposed to just send money, and once in a while they write you a letter. You see, Marvin didn't grow up in a normal place like South Park."
Stan,So why can't he live here now?
Principal Victoria,Because he can't!
Kyle,Because why?
Principal Victoria,Because eight-year olds can't be parents!
Kyle,Then you take care of him.
Principal Victoria,"I can't, I, umm...I'm very busy.  I send my five dollars a month, see?"
Stan,"This sucks, Starvin' Marvin is our friend."
Cartman,"Oh well, back to the poor country with you."
Kyle,You better watch what you say Cartman! You might be poor and hungry some day.
Cartman,"B-huh, huh. Yeah, right."
Mephesto,I knew that you were the only person who would listen to me Chef.
Chef,"Yeah, well, let's get it over with. This place gives me the booboojeebees."
Mephesto,Look here in my microscope; tell me what you see.
Chef,"Uhh, I seee...an extreme close up of ...Vanessa Redgrave's private parts."
Mephesto,"Oh, whoops.  Now tell me what you see."
Chef,"Well, I'm no biologist, but I'd say it looks like turkey DNA."
Mephesto,"Precisely, but look how rapidly it's dividing."
Chef,What does it mean?
Mephesto,"Means the turkeys are growing at an exponential rate. If we don't destroy them all, they'll take over the town. Maybe the world."
Chef,"Oh, fudge!  Uhh, let me see that Vanessa Redgrave thing again."
Mephesto,Sure.
Agent 1,"Hello there little boy, we're looking for a starving African child who was accidentally sent here instead of a Teiko sports watch."
Cartman,"Hey, hey, what's going on?!  Hey, let go of me! God-! Ey! I'll kick you in the nuts. D'you hear me?!"
Agent 1,"Here's your sports watch son, sorry for the mix-up."
Cartman,"Hey! Hey seriously! Hey, you're pissing me off, Starvin' Marvin!"
Marvin,Sweet.
The Mayor,So how does this thing work?
Aide,"Well mayor, it's based on the cash grab, but instead of money, the cans of food are blown around inside the capsule. The POV inside catches as many as he can to feed his family."
The Mayor,POVVVV?
Aide,Poverty stricken citizen.
The Mayor,"Ohhoho, brilliant.  Daah!! What the hell is this!!"
Aide,"I don't know mayor, I don't think it's listed on the program."
Mephesto,They're increasing in number mayor. These are the vicious turkeys I warned you about.
Chef,"It's a, Ih-ihit's true mayor! Those turkeys just ripped apart my cafeteria!  Whooa! You won't get away with this, you bastards!"
Kyle,Wow! Those are some pissed off turkeys!
The Mayor,"OKAY PEOPLE, DON'T PANIC! BRING OUT THE DEFENSE SQUAD!"
Mephesto,We need more than that! They'll only come back in increased numbers!
Terrance,"Hey Phillip, could you pass the beans?"
Phillip,"Beans? Uh oh, looks like we'll be at war with these Indians soon."
Terrance,"Huh, eh,  wait wait wait.  Eh, eh.  Here it comes, ehhhh.  Daaaah, I crapped in my pants!"
Phillip,Aaaah.  I think you got some spatter on Chief Running Wolf.
Terrance,I spattered his face!
Phillip,Now he's a smelly Indian.
TV Announcer,"We'll be back to part 14 of the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special, right after this."
Sally Struthers,Hunger is an enemy that we all must fight. These children desperately need your support.
Cartman,"Hey, somebody get me out of here! This sucks!"
Sally Struthers,"So please, call and adopt a child today."
Cartman,I'm seriously getting pissed off over here!!
Liane,You want some more Cheesy Poofs hon?
Marvin,"Yeah, I want da Cheesy Poof."
Liane,Okay.
Marvin,Sweet.
Cartman,"Eh, This is serious bullshit! There has to be a Happy Burger around here somewhere.  Excuse me, I am a lost little boy, could you help me?  Well, screw you too!  What the?! Who the hell let all these flies in here?! Hasn't anybody ever heard of insect repellent?!"
The Mayor,"All right everyone, it's time to give out canned food to the poor, haa."
Stan,"Hey, where's Cartman?"
Kyle,"I don't know. Do you know where he is, Marvin?"
The Mayor,"Looks like we have the turkey problem under control. It's time to embrace the spirit of giving with the canned food grab.  Come on, hurry up."
Mrs. McCormick,Grab a lot son.
The Mayor,"Have a happy Thanksgiving! Let 'er rip!  Cuhome on, grab those cans little boy!"
"Stan, Kyle","Come on, Kenny!"
Stuart,"Come on, son!"
The Mayor,"Now, let's see all the goodies you're going to take home to your family.  It...looks like he got a... a-a can of- string beans. Hehe."
Chef,What the-?!
Stan,"Dude, the mutant turkeys are back!"
Officer Barbrady,"Okay people, move along, nothing to see here you looky-loos."
Mephesto,"I tried to tell you, but you didn't listen."
Chef,"Gather around everybody, and listen good. Go to your homes and arm your...  What the hell are you supposed to be anyway?"
Mephesto,That's not important right now.
Chef,No! What the hell is this little thing supposed to be? It doesn't look like anything.
The Mayor,"Chef, the turkeys!"
Chef,"Oh, All right. Listen up everybody, and listen good. Go to your homes and arm yourselves with whatever you can. We'll meet back here in fifteen minutes. Hurry!  We are not going to let our Thanksgiving be ruined by a bunch of turkeys."
Cartman,"Damn, you guys, seriously, I'm hungry. I have to eat.  Ah, sweet! The Red Cross!  I'll have fried chicken and a side of mashed potatoes please."
Red Cross Dude,"Sorry kid, but we're out of food. We ran out of funding."
Cartman,What?!
Red Cross Dude,"We just couldn't get enough sponsors back home, so now we've got to pack it up."
Cartman,But I'm not a starving Etheropian! I have to get back home too!
Red Cross Dude,"Sorry dude, we just don't have any funds. Here, have a Teiko sports watch."
Cartman,WEEEEEEAK!!!
The Mayor,"People, we all have to do our part against the evil turkeys."
Townsperson 1,There's too many of them.
The Mayor,Come on! Where is that Thanksgiving spirit?!
Townsperson 2,We can't stop them.
Chef,"Today, you fight for your city! You fight for your honor! These turkeys will continue to push until they have taken everything from us! These fudged up turkeys from the the crustaceous era can take our lives, but they can never take...our FREEDOM!!!"
Crowd,"Wooo, yeahhh, woo."
Leader Turkey,"Gobble, gobble. Gobble gobble. Gob, gobble. Gob, gob, gob, Gobble!!"
Kyle,Here you go turkeys!
The Mayor,Does my hair look okay?
Cartman,"Can't go on... need... appetizer... eh...  I'm sorry, God, I'm sorry I mocked poor people. I'm sorry I wasn't more sensitive. Please, Please God, uhh.  Heh, my god has forsaken me. Eh, err.  Huh, I wonder what's in here?  SNACKY CAKES!! MMMM!  Sally Struthers?!"
Sally Struthers,Who the hell are you?!
Cartman,Gimme that cake!
Sally Struthers,"Nooho, this is my cake!"
Cartman,"No Sally Struthers, you gimme that cake!"
Sally Struthers,NOO! You can't have any!
Cartman,"No Sally Struthers, that's my cake eh-ehhhh!  You guys, Sally Struthers is holding food from us!!!"
Sally Struthers,Uh oh.
Chef,Stay close children.
"Stan, Kyle, Kenny",Yeaaa!
Kenny,(O Oh)
Stan,"Oh my god, they've killed Kenny!"
Kyle,You bastards!
Jimbo,"The last three are getting away, shoot 'em Ned."
Stan,We did it!!
Mephesto,"My God, what have we done?"
Chef,We've saved Thanksgiving!
Mephesto,"But all those poor turkeys, theh- they're all dead."
Chef,"Every turkey dies, not every turkey truly lives."
Mephesto,"As horrible as they were theh- they felt like a part of me. Perhaps I shouldn't be toying with God's creations, perhaps I should-"
Chef,"Yeah, yeah, yeah."
Agent 2,"Excuse me sir, we're looking for a little starving Ethiopian boy who was accidentally delivered to South Park instead of a Teiko sports watch."
Agent 1,Have you seen anyone fitting this description.
Officer Barbrady,"Oh, that could be a hundred kids in this town mister."
Agent 1,There you are. Are you ready to go home now?
Stan,"Wow, it sucks he has to leave."
Kyle,"Yeah, I like him a lot more than Cartman."
Stan,"You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people.  But they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials, but, people on TV are just as real as you or I."
Kyle,Yeah.  And that means that McGyver is a real person too.
Red Cross Chick,We're terribly sorry about the mix-up little boy. We'll get you back home immediately.
Cartman,"That's right you will, God-Damnit.  Move it POVs, I'm an American!"
Ethiopian,"A baba, gluck gluck bababab ga."
Marvin,Baba gook gook ba.
Sally Struthers,(What are you doing?  Let me off of here!)
Stuart,"Lord, on this day of thanks, we would like to extend our deepest gratitude for this incredible bounty of green beans you have bestowed upon us. And though for some reason you found it necessary to take our son from us , and though you for some reason find pleasure in watching us suffer, still, we give thanks. Amen."
Mrs. McCormick,Amen.  Does anybody have a can opener?
Stuart,God Damn-it.
Class,We wish you a Merry ChristmasWe wish you a Merry ChristmasWe wish you a Merry ChristmasAnd a Happy New Year!
Stan,"Lights, please.  And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flocks by night.  And lo, an angel of the Lord came upon them, and they were sore afraid, and the angel said unto them, 'Fear not, for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, for born unto you this day in the city of...David is the Savior, Jesus Christ, the Lord.  Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace, goodwill towards men'And now, South Park Elementary presents the Birth of Jesus"
Wendy,Unh  Oh!
Kyle,"Come on, Mary!  Push!"
Wendy,Aaaah!
Kyle,I can see its head!
Wendy,UUuuhh-UUuuhh
Kyle,It's a boy!
Cartman,Oohhhh!
Kenny,(Kyle has Jesus' head instead!)
Mr. Garrison,"Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, Kyle, what the hell was that?  You need to hold the baby by the legs, not by the head.  What kind of sick weirdo are you?"
Kyle,...Sorry
Mr. Garrison,"And Wendy, I'm still not believing the labor pains."
Wendy,Okay
Sheila,"Mr. Garrison, what the hell do you think you're doing?!"
Mr. Garrison,"Well, I'm trying to direct the school Christmas play, but your son was holding the baby Jesus fetus by the head"
Sheila,How dare you include the Nativity in a school play?  Don't you realize my son is Jewish?!
Mr. Garrison,...So?
Sheila,So what makes you think he should play Joseph of Arimathea?
Mr. Garrison,Because it's Christmas???
Sheila,Our family doesn't celebrate Christmas.
Mr. Garrison,"Ogod, you're not gonna lay that Channukah crap on me, are you?"
Sheila,"Whatwhatwhaaat?!? You're not going to get away with this, Mr. Garrison!!"
Cartman,Oh dude!  Kyle's mom is here to ruin Christmas!
Kyle,"Shut up, fat boy!"
Cartman,"I'm not fat, I'm festively plump."
Stan,"Why are you Jewish on Christmas, Kyle?"
Mr. Garrison,"O-kay!  Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?"
Sheila,"How about the dreidl song, bubbe?"
Kyle,I can sing the Mr. Hankey song...
Mr. Garrison,The Mr. Hankey song-how does that go?
Kyle,"Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poohe loves me and I love y-"
Stan,Christmas Poo?
Cartman,What the hell is Christmas Poo?
Kyle,"Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. Haven't you guys ever heard of it?"
Sheila,"Kyle, that is enough!"
Mr. Garrison,"See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a pagan."
Sheila,"Now that does it! I'm going straight to the mayor about you, Mr Garrison."
Mr. Garrison,Oh wait wait wait. Was it the pagan remark?
Wendy,"You guys, look!  It's snowing!"
Stan,"Whoa, Christmas snow!"
Wendy,Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue  It's fun.
Kenny,Ptui.
Stan,"That was sick, dude!"
Cartman,Hey!  What the hell are you doing?  Jewish people can't eat Christmas snow!
Kyle,"We can, too!"
Stan,"...nnnaw I think it's against the law, dude."
Kyle,Officer Barbrady!
Officer Barbrady,What?
Kyle,Is it illegal for Jewish people to eat Christmas snow?
Officer Barbrady,Yyess.
Kyle,Damnit!
Stan,Hey come on guys.  We have to go to the mall and tell Santa Claus what we want for Christmas.
Cartman,"Yeah.  We'll see you later, Kyle.  Guess there's no reason for you to come, since you don't get Christmas presents."
Kyle,No.  But I get Channukah presents for eight days.
Cartman,Too bad it's usually a dreidel or something lame like that.
Stan,"We'll catch up with you later, Kyle."
Kyle,"Wait!  I may not have Santa, but I do have Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo."
Stan,"Wha-what is this about Christmas Poo, dude?"
Kyle,Mr. Hankey.  He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet.
Cartman,"Uh, Kyle?  Come on, seriously?  You are really reaching right now."
Kyle,"Well!  You're gonna be sorry when you see me riding around on Santa's sleigh with Mr. Hankey, fatass!"
Cartman,"You're not gonna ride on Santa's sleigh 'cause you're a Jew, Kyle."
Stan,"See you around, dude."
Kyle,"It's hard to be a Jew on ChristmasMy friends won't let me join in any gamesAnd I can't sing Christmas songs or decorate a Christmas treeor leave water out for Rudolph 'cause there's something wrong with meMy people don't believe in Jesus Christ's divinityI'm a JewA lonely JewOn ChristmasChannukah is nice, but why is itThat Santa passes over my house every year?And instead of eating ham I have to eat kosher latkeInstead of Silent Night I'm singing huhash dogavishAnd what the fuck is up with lighting all these fucking candles, tell me please?I'm a JewA lonely JewI'd be merryBut I'm HebrewOn Christ-maas"
The Mayor,"Ahem. Okay everybody, settle down."
Large woman,"Mayor, we are deeply offended by the Nativity scene in front of the capital office. Church and State are separate!"
Some men,No! Wrong!
Kyle,"What's going on, you guys?"
Stan,The whole town's pissed off at each other.  It's really sweet.
Sheila,"That isn't all, Mayor!  The school play is doing a Nativity scene!  It isn't being sensitive to the Jewish community!"
Mr. Garrison,You are the Jewish community!
Crowd,Yeah!  Yeah!
Cartman,"Oh, boy!  Superbitch is at it again!"
Kyle,"Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!"
Priest,"Mayor, the Nativity is what Christmas is all about.  If you remove Christ, you must remove Santa and Frosty and all of that garbage, too!"
Woman,Hallelujah!
Man,Amen!
Tree hugger,And we must put a stop to the cutting down of Christmas trees!
Man 1,Raah!
Man 2,Give me a break!
Uncle Jimbo,"And I'm sick and tired of those little flaps on coffee lids.  If you don't want to spill your coffee, you shouldn't be driving with it."
Crowd,Yeah!  Yeah!
The Mayor,"Okay, people, we clearly need to reach a compromise.  Perhaps we need a new icon for Christmas."
Assistant 1,"Oooo, brilliant idea, Mayor!"
Kyle,"Hey!  How about Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo?"
The Mayor,Ex-cuse me?
Kyle,Mr. Hankey.  He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet.
Sheila,Kyle!  Sshhh!
Kyle,"It's true.  He doesn't care what faith you are.Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poohe loves me and I love youTherefore, vicariously he loves youEven if-"
Cartman,Never mind him.  He's a very disturbed little boy.
Kenny,(Kyle's crazy!)
Stan,Yeah.
Sheila,"Okay, Kyle, we're leaving right nowww."
Kyle,Wait...
The Mayor,"Anyway, I'll put together a crack team of my best workers to make sure this'll be the most non-offensive Christmas ever - to any religious or minority group of any kind.  Are there any other suggestions?  Yyes, Mr. Garrison."
Mr. Garrison,Can we get rid of all the Mexicans?
The Mayor,"No, Mr. Garrison, we cannot get rid of all the Mexicans"
Mr. Garrison,Rats!
Gerald,"It is sick and disgusting, and we simply will not have it!"
Sheila,"Your father's right, Kyle."
Gerald,"Sheila, let me handle this.  Having imaginary friends is fine, Kyle, but this simply will not do!"
Sheila,"Listen to your father, Kyle."
Gerald,"Now, I want you to repeat after me: 'There is no such thing as Mr. Hankey'"
Kyle,"But dad, he always sh..."
Gerald,Say it!
Kyle,There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey.
Gerald,Again!
Kyle,There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey.
Sheila,"This is for your own good, bubbe."
Gerald,"Now, you go brush your teeth and march into bed!  You won't be opening your Channukah present tonight!"
Kyle,Probably just another stupid dreidel anyway.
Gerald,What did you say?!
Kyle,I said Ike's on fire!
Ike,Oh oh. On flame? Oh oh. On flame?
Sheila,Oh my God!
Kyle,It isn't fair!  I don't want to be an outcast!
Voice,Kyle.
Kyle,I'm not hearing that.
Voice,Kyle.
Kyle,Mr. Hankey?
Mr. Hankey,"Howwwwdy-hoooo.  Howdy-ho, Kyle. Gosh, you're looking swell."
Kyle,"Go away, Mr. Hankey."
Mr. Hankey,"You know something, Kyle?  You smell an awful lot like flowers."
Kyle,I said go away!  My father said you aren't real.
Mr. Hankey,"Not real? Well shucks.  If I weren't real, could I sing this jolly Christmas song? Santa Claus is on his wayHe's loaded goodies on his sleighTo drop them off on Christmas Day''And I'll say 'Howdy-ho'"
Kyle,Mr. Hankey! Sshhhh! I'll get in trouble.
Mr. Hankey,"Folks'll gather round the firesing a song, stroll the choirPretty song they'll all retireAnd I'll say 'Howdy-ho'"
Gerald,"Kyle, what are you doing in there?"
Kyle,Nothing.
Gerald,Open this door!
Mr. Hankey,I hope that Santa comes real soonI've been waiting for some we...
Kyle,"Mr. Hankey, come here."
Gerald,KYLE!
Kyle,"Say something, Mr. Hankey!"
Gerald,"Now, you get to sleep, and think about how your poor mother has to clean that bathroom up!"
Sheila,Whatwhatwhaaat?!  Me?!
Mr. Hankey,Howdy-ho!
Kyle,Mr. Hankey!  Where the hell did you go?
Mr. Hankey,"You should be wearing socks to sleep, Kyle.  You're gonna catch a cold."
Kyle,"Nobody believes in you, not even my friends."
Mr. Hankey,"Aw, gee, that's too bad."
Kyle,"Hey!  How about you come to school with me tomorrow, so I can at least prove I'm not crazy to my friends."
Mr. Hankey,"Say, that sounds like a swell idea.  We can show everyone the true spirit of Christmas."
Kyle,Yeah!  We'll show them!
The Mayor,"Okay, people, we've got to turn this place around!  Take down anything that is offensive to any specific group!"
Uncle Jimbo,Is mistletoe offensive?
The Mayor,Is anyone offended by mistletoe?  Lose the mistletoe!
Stan,You guys!  I'm getting that John Elway football helmet for Christmas!
Cartman,How do you know?
Stan,'Cause I looked in my parents' closet last night.
Cartman,"Yeah?  Well I sneaked around my mom's closet too, and saw what I'm getting.  The Ultravibe Pleasure 2000."
Stan,What's that?
Cartman,"I don't know, but it sounds pretty sweet."
Kyle,"Hello, everybodyyy."
Stan,"What's in the box, dude?"
Kyle,It's a surprise.
Cartman,Let me see!
Kyle,O-Okay.  But don't scare him...
Stan,"Dude, sick!!!"
Cartman,Is this some kind of Jewish tradition?
Kenny,(That is the sickest thing I have ever fucking seen!)
Kyle,Wait! You guys!  He's alive!
Stan,"Kyle, I think you'd better get home and get some sleep."
Kyle,"Come on, dance!  Daaance!  Dance, damn you!!"
Researcher,Now this is very simple.  I'm going to say words and the computer will measure how offended you are by them.  In this way we can find out which words are least offensive for use in the holiday season.  Are we ready?  Here we go: Christ  Hm. Okay. Cherub.  Hm... Camel  Hm. Sad.  Stupid Wop Dago.  Bench...
Mr. Garrison,"Aw, do you have to take away the Christmas tree, too?"
Janitor 2,Mayor's orders.
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, I'm really having a hard time with our Christmas play.  The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with Jesus or Santa Claus."
Cartman,Thanks to Kyle's mother.
Kyle,"Shut up, Cartman!"
Mr. Garrison,"So does anybody know  any non-Santa or non-Jesus Christmas songs.  Yes, Eric?"
Cartman,"How about we sing ""Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch"", in D minor."
Kyle,"I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!"
Cartman,"O-ho. WeeeeeeeeeellllKyle's mom is a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide worldShe a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch, she's a bitch to all the boys and girls."
Kyle,"Shut up, Cartman!"
Mr. Hankey,Howdy-ho!
Kyle,Mr. Hankey.
Cartman,"Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitchThen on Sunday, just to be different, she's a super King Kamehameha bi-atch!"
Mr. Hankey,"Golly, that isn't very nice.  I'd sure like to teach him a lesson."
Cartman,"Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom?  She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world.She's a mean ole bitch 'cause she has stupid hair, she a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitchbitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch she's a stupid bitch!Kyle's mom's a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch!KYLE'S MOOOM IS A - BI-I-I-ITCH - aahh."
Kyle,"Mr. Hankey, no!"
Mr. Hankey,Mmmrrr-aaarrrggghhh!!!
Mr. Garrison,What the...
Cartman,"Gross, Kyle!"
Mr. Garrison,"Oh my lord, Kyle, did you just throw doodoo at Eric?"
Kyle,Uuuuuuhh...
Cartman,YOU SICK BASTARD!
Mr. Mackey,"Now, uh, Kyle, as your school counselor, uh I want to try and help you confront your problems, 'kay?"
Kyle,I don't have a problem.
Mr. Mackey,"Well it-it's my understanding that you umhm, yu-you have an acute case of fecophilia."
Kyle,What's that?
Mr. Mackey,"Well-uh, a fecophiliac is somebody who's obsessed with mookie-stinks, Kyle."
Kyle,Mookie-stinks?
Mr. Mackey,"Now I also understand that you're Jewish. Is that right, Kyle?"
Kyle,"Wull, not on purpose."
Mr. Mackey,"So this must be a pretty hard time of year for you, being Christmas and all.  Do the other kids make fun of ya?"
Kyle,"Well, sometimes..."
Mr. Mackey,And that must make you mad.
Kyle,Well sure.
Mr. Mackey,"Mad enough to kill, Kyle???"
Kyle,"No, dude!"
Mr. Mackey,"Oh that's good.  You see, Kyle, sometimes we feel like an outsider, we-we create friends, Okay-in our minds, Okay?"
Kyle,But Mr. Hankey seemed so real...
Mr. Mackey,Well of course he does; in your screwed-up little head he's the only friend you have.
Mr. Hankey,Kyle!  Howdy-ho.
Mr. Mackey,"Right now you're nuttier than Chinese chicken salad, mkay-I mean, you're one screwed-up little kid do you understand?"
Mr. Hankey,Santa's loaded up his sleighflying around his merry way...
Mr. Mackey,"To try and stay positive stay away from drug and alcohol, and in the meantime I'm gonna put you on a heavy regimen of Prozac  Uuuuuuugghh-oh my God, you sick little monkey!"
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, we've just received word from the mayor that the Christmas play can't include any Christmas lights, since they offend people with epilepsy..."
Students,Hhmm
Mr. Garrison,"...so Kenny, would you please go over and pull the lights cords out of the wall?  Careful now, Kenny, those are very, very dangerous.  Okay.  Now let's practice our..."
Mr. Mackey,No!  Get away from me!
Kyle,Here.  Just look more closely at it.
Mr. Mackey,"No!  Go away!  Stan, you need to do something about your friend, mkay.  Get him out of here before he hurts anybody!  Mkay?"
Stan,"Hullo, we need to commit our friend, Kyle please."
Nurse,Reason?
Kyle,I'm a clinically depressed fecophiliac on Prozac.
Nurse,Any allergies?
Kyle,No.
Nurse,Jacket!
Cartman,"Bye, Kyle!  Happy Channukah!"
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, does eveyone have their leotards on?"
Artsy Man,"Good, it looks like they have taken the Christmas trees down."
His Date,"Yes, and there's nothing Christian, either.  This should be great!"
Sheila,"Oh, this could be such a wonderful Christmas play - I wish our little Kyle was here to see it"
Kyle,"Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clayDreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I will playSecond verse, same as the firstDreidel, dreidel, dreidelll-I ma..."
MC,Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday...
Man 1,"Wait, wait, there's a star above the stage.  That's very offensive to non-Christians."
Uncle Jimbo,"Oh, come on!"
Man 1,"Hey!  Don't put your beliefs on me, buddy!"
Randy Marsh,I agree.
Mr. Garrison,"Oh brother.  Kenny, would you please climb that ladder and take down the star above the stage?  And be careful not to fall in that little pool below you, Kenny, the shark for the third act is in there."
Kenny,(Hunh?)
MC,"Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday Experience.  Before we bring out the kiddies for the play, here's a non-offensive, non-denominational holiday song by the school chef."
Chef,"I'm gonna lay you down by the Yule logI'm gonna love you rightBaby, I'm gonna deck your hallsAnd silence your nightsYou'll hear the herald angels singWhen I'm sliding off your braI just can't wait to jingle your bellsand falala your love..."
Stan,I wish Kyle was here.  It just doesn't seem right without him.
Cartman,"Well.  Ol' Kyle's gonna be locked up for a while, so get used to it."
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, kids, get ready to take your places."
MC,"Thank you, Chef!"
Kenny,(Phew!)
MC,"And now, South Park Elementary presents the happy, non-offensive, non-denominational Christmas Play, with music and lyrics by New York minimalist composer, Philip Glass!"
Voice-over,"As I turn and look into the sun, the rays burn my eyes  How like a turtle the sun looks."
Sheila,What the hell is this???  This is horrible!!!
Priest,This is the most God-awful piece of crap I've ever seen!!
Mr. Garrison,You're the ones who made it this way!
Priest,"Yeah, it's because the Jews said it couldn't be Christian."
Gerald,It wasn't our idea to take out Santa Claus!
Elderly Tree Hugger,All you bastards ruined Christmas!
Gerald,Get him in the ribs!
Priest,Oof.
Man in audience,Damn tree hugger!
Stan,"This sucks, dude.  This is like the worst Christmas I have ever seen."
Wendy,Yeah.
Chef,"Say, where's Kyle?"
Stan,We committed him.
Chef,What? Why?
Cartman,'Cause.  He kept seeing this little brown piece of Christmas poo everywhere that he went.
Chef,Chirstmas poo?  You yuh-you mean Mr. Hankey.
Stan,Huh?!  O-oh.
Stan,"This is horrible!  Everybody's fighting and my best friend is in an institution, all because we didn't believe in Mr. Hankey!"
Chef,Well!  You can believe in him now.
Woman,AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH
Stan,I believe.
Wendy,I believe in Mr. Hankey.
Mr. Hankey,"Hoooowwwwwdy-ho!!!  Howdy, folks.  Gosh you sure do smell all nice and flowery."
"Cartman, Stan",Whoa!!
Mr. Hankey,"Howdy-ho, Chef!"
Chef,"Howdy-ho, Mr. Hankey!"
Cartman,"Okay, that does it!  Screw this, I'm goin home!  Talking poo is where I draw the line!"
Mr. Hankey,What's all the ruckus?
Chef,"I'm glad you're here, Mr. Hankey.  The whole town is about to kill each other."
Mr. Hankey,I reckon this could be a job for Mr. Hankey!  STOP FIGHTING!!
The Mayor,"Oh my God, what the hell is that thing?"
Mr. Hankey,"Come on, gang, don't fight.  You people focus so hard on the things wrong with Christmas that you've forgotten what's so right about it.  Don't you see?  This is the one time of year we're s'posed to forget all the bad stuff, to stop worrying and being sad about the state of the world, and for just one day say, ""Aw, the heck with it!  Let's sing and dance and bake cookies"""
Stan,"Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here."
Kyle,I'm a JewA lonely Jew...
Mr. Hankey,"Howdy-ho, Kyle!!!"
Kyle,"Oh no, I'm not sane yet!"
Mr. Hankey,I brought some friends with me.
Kyle,Friends?
Townsfolk,"Merry Christmas, Kyle Broflovski!!!"
Kyle,You mean you can see him?  Ah-I'm not crazy?
Townsfolk,"Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poohe loves me and I love youTherefore, vicariously he loves youEven if you're a Jew"
Mr. Pirrip,"Sometimes he's nutty, sometimes he's corny, he can be brown or greenish-brown But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve, he might come to your town"
Townsfolk,"Mr. Hankey, the Christmas PooHe loves me. I love youHeeeeeeee Looooooves Yoooooouu!"
Mr. Hankey,"Well, I've got a loong night ahead of me.  Bye-bye and Merry Christmas"
Cartman,Good-bye Mr. Hankey!  Bring me lots of presents!  I always believed in you!
Santa,Howdy-ho ho ho!
Stan,"You know, I learned something today.  I learned that Jewish people are okay.  And that...Channukah can be cool, too."
Kyle,"Yeah... You know, it seems like something's still not right."
Cartman,"Yeah, something feels...unfinished"
Stan,Wh-what could it be?
Kenny,(Yee he hee!)
Jesus,"Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me..."
Cartman,"Here you go, Kyle... And here's yours, Stan..."
Kyle,"What is this, Cartman?"
Cartman,They're invitations to my birthday party this weekend.
Stan,"Oh, sweet! Your mom's giving you a big party again this year?"
Cartman,"Thaat's right. 'Cause it's my birthday, my bu bubu birthday..."
Kyle,"Kick ass, dude! Cartman's mom throws the best birthday parties ever."
Cartman,That's right.
Stan,"Yeah. If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom, I'd be a big fatass, too."
Cartman,That's ri-aayy.
Pip,"Oh, Eric. I didn't get an invitation."
Cartman,"Oh, really? Gosh. Where could I have put Pip's invitation?? Let's see, Pip's invitation, Pip's invitation... Oh! I remember!  I shoved it up my ass!  Yeess, that's right. I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and then shoved it right up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party! Sorry, Pip ol' chap!  Here's yours, Wendy... and here's yours, Clyde..."
Mr. Garrison,"Children, children! Today is a very special day."
Cartman,"No, my birthday isn't until Saturday."
Mr. Garrison,"I'm not talking about your birthday, Eric. We have a new student joining our class today."
Cartman,Eeeeeeh!
Mr. Garrison,"Now, some of you know what it's like to be the new kid in town, so I want you all to take special care to make him feel welcome. I want you all to meet our new classmate...  uh-uh, what's your name again?"
New kid,Damien!
Mr. Garrison,"Say 'hi' to Damien!  And where are you from, Damien?"
Damien,The seventh layer of hell!
Mr. Garrison,"Ooooh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama."
Damien,"My arrival shall note the end of the Beginning, the beginning of the End, the new reign of my father!"
Mr. Garrison,Your father?
Damien,The Prince of Darkness!
Mr. Garrison,"Wow, we have royalty in our class. Why don't you take your seat, Damien? We're gonna finish our lesson on great singers of the Baroque era.  Now, children, Nancy Sinatra was quite a choice piece of ass..."
Cartman,"Hey, new kid. Do you want an invitation to my birthday party?"
Damien,Here begins the rule of pain! The new domination of...
Cartman,"Psych! I wasn't gonna give you an invitation, hehehehehehe! Hey, who cut your hair? Stevie Wonder?  Byah. Oof!"
Stan,"Whoa, dude!"
Kyle,"Damn, what a freak!"
Cartman,Hey! I had a poofy pie in that desk!
Damien,Now feel the wrath - of the fallen angels! The plague of night is upon ye.
Mr. Garrison,"Damien, do you need to sit in time out for a few minutes?"
Cartman,"Eheh. You got in trouble, you got in trouble."
Stan,"Hey, Cartman? How come the birthday invitation you gave me says 'Green Mega Man'?"
Kyle,Yeah. Mine says 'Red Mega Man'.
Cartman,Right. That's what your supposed to get for my birthday.
Stan,Dude. You're not supposed to tell people what to get you for your birthday.
Kyle,"Yeah, that's weak!"
Cartman,"Look, it's very simple guys. Green Mega Man goes with Red Mega Man and Yellow Mega Man to make the Ultra Mega Mega Man. You have to have all three or it doesn't work, see?"
Stan,Up yours. Cartman. I'll get you whatever the hell I want.
Cartman,"Oooh. So maybe you don't want to have any of my mon's cake, pie, and ice cream, then."
Stan,"Oh great, Green Mega Man it is."
Cartman,"Now. As you can see, Kenny, you are to get me Yellow Mega Man. That's because Yellow Mega Man is the cheapest one, and I know how poor your family is."
Stan,"Heeyy, what do you think you're doing, new kid?"
Cartman,"Yeah. You can't sit with us, weirdo!"
Damien,Infidels! I will turn you all into beasts of burden!
Kyle,"You can't sit with us, new kid. Go find another table!"
Cartman,"Yich. Anyway Kenny, Yellow Man is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two.  Eeyy!"
Pip,"Oh. Good day, Damien. My name is Philip, but everyone calls me Pip - because they hate me."
Damien,Then I will call you Pip.
Pip,Right-o.
Stan,"Hey new kid!  Kenny says he saw... your mother drop you off this morning, and she's a real dog."
Kenny,"(Yeah, I feel that she's a freakin' bitch!)"
Damien,That does it! Woo-paah
Stan,What the...&#160;?
Kyle,Dude! He turned Kenny into a duck-billed platypus.
Stan,A what?
Kenny,Quack-quack.
Cartman,"Eeyy! Uh-turn him back you butthole, he has to buy me the Yellow Mega Man!"
Chef,"Hello there, children."
Stan,"Hey, Chef."
Chef,How's it going?
Kyle,Bad.
Chef,Why bad?
Kyle,"Chef, there's a new kid in school, and he's a total weirdo freak."
Chef,"Oh children, children, you shouldn't not like somebody just because they're different. Here, let me sing you a little song:We're all special in our own wayEverybody's different, but that's okay'Cause even though we might-a have different-colored skinDifferent points of view, be tall or thinIt doesn't mean I can't lay you down, woman, and touch your silky skinWith my love deep inside you, where no man has ever beenRub you legs, caress your thighs and uh...What were we talking about again?"
Kyle,The new kid.
Damien,Death to the holy! The wrath of the fallen angels now heads for you all!
Stan,Whoa!
Chef,Oh! That is one fudged-up little cracker!
Kyle,"We told you, dude."
Chef,"We've got to do something, children!"
Damien,Bring me Jesus! My wrath shall continue until I speak to Jesus!
"Stan, Kyle",Jesus?
Roland,"Two minutes to air, Jesus."
Jesus,"Thanks, Roland. Blessed art thou."
Stan,"Jesus, Jesus!"
Jesus,"Ah-hi kids, I only do autographs after the show."
Stan,"Nono. There's a big problem at school. Some new kid showed up, wearing all black, and and Chef thinks he's evil."
Kyle,"Yeah. Look what he did to our friend, Kenny."
Kenny,Quack-quack.
Jesus,Wow. That's pretty heavy.
Stan,"This new kid, he just keeps throwing things around and... saying stuff aboout his dark prince father coming. He says he wants to talk to you."
Jesus,The Dark Prince?
Stan,Yeah.
Kyle,Yeah.
Jesus,"So it was written, and so the cycle of years brings the Son of the Evil One."
Stan,Whoa. Huduh now he's talking like the new kid.
Jesus,"Thou must taketh me to this seedling of Satan, so mine eyes can confirm the wretched truth."
Kyle,... K.
Groundskeeper,"Five minutes until recess is over, you little bastards!"
Cartman,"Now, as you can see, the Red Mega Man uses thee... Mega Cycle, which is what Clyde will be getting me for my birthday. Wendy, you were supposed to get me the Mega Power Choopper, illustrated... here, but, I'm changing your present to the Yellow Mega Man, since Kenny has been turned into a... duck-billed platypus. That means that the Mega Man beach house, illustrated... heuh, will be a gift given by two people at once, 'cause it costs more money..."
Redhead,Aaaaa Bebe!
Bebe,Our slide!
Damien,Feel my wrath!
Pip,"Oho Damien, you shouldn't be so upset, you know. I know it's hard being the new kid, but the children may accept you someday."
Damien,I don't need acceptance. I'm the Son of Satan!
Pip,Believe me! I know what it's like not to have friends. Perhaps you should speak to the school counselor. He helps me a lot when I'm feeling lonely.
Jesus,Damien!
Damien,Aaah! Son of Stench! Cursed Ruler of the weak!
Jesus,"So it is thou, Son of Lucifer!"
Damien,"Your time on this earth is short. Soon, my father comes."
Jesus,Let him come then. I shall stop him!
Damien,Behold! He is already upon us!
Kyle,"Ohh, dude!"
Satan,Hic dominus ampullicus unum sum. Forante onlisam dum sameli etludemus.
Jimbo,What the hell's going on here?
Priest,Look! It's that guy from the public access show!
Blonde,What's happening?
Chef,"Come over here if you're scared, women! I'll protect you!  Not you, dammit!"
Satan,Forante onlisam dum sameli etludemus.
Damien,"Jesus, my father says... he chooses you! He calls you out! Be here at this time tomorrow! Then the terms will be discussed!"
Jesus,Very well. Let the final battle between Good and Evil be fought - right here in South Park!
Jimbo,"Come on, Ned! We've got to get our asses to the bookie!"
Stan,You're gonna fight Satan?
Jesus,"This fight has been ordained since the beginning! My children, this is the most crucial and serious time... of all history."
Jesus,"This fight has been ordained since the beginning! My children, this is the most crucial and serious time... of all history.CommercialWho will win our souls? . Our Savior and Lord?  Or the Prince of Darkness?  It's the final battle between Good and Evil  and it's only on Pay Per View! Jesus Versus Satan! Live, from the South Park Forum on Saturday. Call now to order, only $49.95"
Cartman,"Hey, wait a minute. Saturday is my birthday party. They can't have the fight on Saturday!"
Kenny,Quack-quack.
Stan,"I don't know what to do, dude. Do we go to the fight, or Cartman's birthday?"
Cartman,Cartman's birthday!
Kyle,We can't miss the final apocalyptic battle between Good and Evil!
Cartman,"You guys, my mom is getting a Ferris wheel."
Stan,"Well, come on. We we have to at least see the weigh-in."
Cartman,"Who the hell decided the fight had to be on Saturday, huh?! This whole thing is a plot against me, isn't it?!"
Priest,When is Satan gonna show up?
Stan,Did the Devil show up yet?
Jesus,Not yet.
Kyle,"Hey, Jesus! Ih-if you win the fight, can you turn Kenny back to normal?"
Jesus,... What the hell do you mean if I win the fight?
Cartman,"Don't mind him, Jesus, he's Jewish."
Jesus,Oh.
Jimbo,"We're all with you, Jesus! We put every dime we have on you beatin' that Dark Prince."
Jesus,"Thank you for your faith but, I think perhaps you don't understand the severity of the situation."
Priest,"You're gonna kick his ass, Jesus."
Jesus,Behold. The Evil One approaches.
Satan,Yeah.
Mr. Garrison,Holy poop on a stick!
Satan,Puny Son of Jehovah! Prepare to enter thy House of Pain!
Stan,"Holy crap, dude. Satan is huge."
Jimbo,Now that is a man who has eaten a lot of beef!
Satan,"Son of God, I will smash thy face into small little bits!"
Jesus,Oh - oh yeah??
Man in crowd,Damn.
Satan,I have such delightful horrors to unleash upon thee.
Jesus,Oh yeah??
Announcer,"Satan weighs in at - 320 lbs, 4 oz.  Jesus Christ weighs in at - 135 lbs., 1 oz."
Chef,Ooh crap.
Jesus,"Aw, come on! I weigh more than that."
Satan,"Let the new prince be decided on Saturday. First South Park, then the world."
Jimbo,Well-uh... I think I'll-uh uuduh-I think I left the oven on.
Mr. Garrison,"Yeah, I think I left your oven on, too."
Priest,Uh-ssee ya - Saturday - Jesus. Good luck.
Man 1,Change my bet!
Man 2,I'm betting on the Devil!
Jimbo,I wanna change my bet to Satan.
Ned,"Me, too."
Mr. Garrison,Wai-wa I was here first.
Mr. Mackey,"Now, uh, as your counselor, I want you to feel like you can tell me anything. mkay? Uh, being the new kid can be tough, but I'm your friend, mkay?"
Damien,Everybody hates me!
Mr. Mackey,Well-uh. Why do you suppose that is?
Damien,Because I'm the son of the Devil?
Mr. Mackey,"Uhuh. That's a good start, why else?"
Damien,Because I... burn them and kill them?
Mr. Mackey,"Well yeah, maybe that's it. Wha... wha what you need to do, uh Damien, is - is to be overly nice. Nde no no matter how mean the other kids are to you, just don't retaliate. Yeeu be passive, mkay? That's what I taught the little British boy, Pip, and, and just look at how much the other children like him now."
Clyde,I bet I can spit the most on him.
Bebe,Oh yeah? I bet I can spit in his hair.
Pip,Eho. Nice try. A little higher and you've got it.
Stan,"Damn, recess sucks without any slides or nothin'"
Cartman,"Oh, here comes the unholy butthole now. Ey! Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch!"
Damien,I a - pologize for ruining your playground. And turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus. I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice.
Cartman,"Oh, excuse me new kid. I didn't mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice!"
Stan,"Phew! You stink, new kid. You smell like a fart."
Kyle,Yeah. We're gonna call you Fartboy from now on.
Stan,"Bubye, Fartboy."
Kyle,See ya.
Pip,"Good day, Damien. How are you?"
Damien,"Those guys farted on me, and then called me-"
Pip,Fartboy? Oho good. Perhaps they won't call me that anymore.
Jesus,"Ahm-hm-hm! Excuse me, I just talked to the bookie at the sports betting bar-"
Chef,Oh ooh.
Jesus,"I have been forsaken! It seems that several bets were changed to Satan this morning.  In fact, it seems that only one person in this entire town is still betting on me!"
Priest,"You should all be ashamed of yourselves, betting against your Lord and Savior! I am disgusted!"
Jesus,Your bet was changed as well. You forsaked me too!
Priest,"Oho... Right, well... He does have a couple of hundred pounds on you, Jesus."
Jesus,I implore you all: don't bet on the Dark One. It is a bet that you will never win.
Priest,"Jesus, I am sorry I have sinned against you. I'm gonna march right over to that bookie and change my bet right now!"
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, ye- yeah, yeah, me too, me too."
Jimbo,Yeah.
Priest,"Praise the Lo-hohohord! Thank you sweet Jesus for showing us the light! See ya later.  What the hell, does he think we're all crazy?"
Mr. Garrison,"Yeah, crazy."
Man 3,He's so gay.
Man 4,Yeah.
Jesus,You're all a bunch of Judases!
Stan,"Hey, Jesus."
Jesus,"What are you doing out so late, kids?"
Kyle,We have to find Red and Green Mega Man for Cartman's birthday party.
Jesus,"Oh. Kids, yeyou believe I can beat Satan, right?"
Stan,"Sh-sure, dude, you're the Son of God."
Kyle,"Yeah. You aren't having any doubts, are you?"
Jesus,"No, uh-no, no. But could ya help me train a little?"
Reporter 1,"Satan, what do expect the outcome of the fight to be?"
Satan,I will crush him like a little bug!
Reporter 2,"Satan, what about the rumors of your involvement in the Gulf War?"
Don King,"Let's focus on the fight, can we please? I'm so sick of people talkin' smack about my fighters, all this 'He's mean. He's a dirty fighter. He's the cause for all the violence and death in the world.' It's just getting old. Let's just let everything be decided in the ring."
Cartman,"You guys, shouldn't you be out shopping for my birthday presents?"
Stan,"Here Jesus, drink these raw eggs."
Jesus,"No way, dude!"
Chef,Ah-ah-ah I can't. I can't hit Jesus Christ. My mother would never speak to me again.
Stan,"But you're his sparring partner, Chef."
Kyle,"Yeah, you have to hit him."
Jesus,"Satan must be defeated, Chef! Please help me to train."
Chef,Okay. But I'm just gonna tap you. Alright?
Jesus,Give it your best sho-  Oh!
Chef,Oh! God in Heaven! What have I done?!
Jesus,Anybody get the number of that truck?
Liane,"Come on, kiddies. Eat more."
Cartman,"Welcome, Clyde. Please put your present on the table to your left. Welcome, Bebe, presents go to your left. Welcome, Chef."
Chef,"Yup! Here's your present, children.  Well, uhnice party. Uh, see ya later."
Kyle,"Hey, you just got here, Chef!"
Chef,"I know, but the fight is starting."
Stan,"Dude, check it out. Cartman's mom made chili."
Mrs Cartman,Mmmmm.
Chef,Mmmmm. That's my favorite kind of chili.
Damien,I guess all the kids are at that fat boy's party.
Pip,"Yes. It's always such a huge event. Sometimes, I like to sneak up to the fence and close my eyes, and pretend I'm there."
Damien,The other kids have always hated you?
Pip,"Oh yes. Actually I think they make fun of the fat boy a lot too,... but now I think they like him because he picks on me."
Michael Buffer,"In the blue corner, wearing white trunks, weighing in at a mere 140 lbs., Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ!  And in the very very blllack corner, wearing very very blllack trunks, the king of all that is evilll, Beeeeeelzebub!  Ladies and gentlemen, Lllllet's get ready to rumbllllle!!"
Referee,"Okay, I want a good clean fight guys. No punches below the belt, holding, or miracles."
Cartman,Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing here?
Stan,"Yeah, you weren't invited, new kid."
Kyle,"And neither were you, Pip!"
Pip,"Yes. I tried to tell Damien that we weren't invited, but-"
Damien,Wait a minute! Give me a chance. I want to do something special for your party.
Pip,Aaaa!  Aye Aye Aye Ayeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Kyle,Wow!
Stan,"Whoa, that was cool!"
Kyle,"Hey, you're not such a bad guy after all, Damien."
Cartman,Yeah. Come on in and join the party.
Satan,"Come on, you little wuss, fight! Throw a punch!"
Cartman,"Oooh I wonder what Stan got me for my birthday present? Oh look, a Blue Mega Maaan. Thank you, Stan, you may now eat pie and cake and ice cream now.  And what did Wendy get me? Oooh it's the Yellow Mega Maaan. Help yourself to pie and cake and ice cream, Wendy. Oh, look what Kyle got me? It's the Red Mega-... Ants In The Pants? Ants In The Pan- ANTS IN THE PANTS?"
Kyle,"It's a game, dude. It's really fun."
Cartman,YOU SON OF A BITCH!
Kyle,Aaaaa!
Cartman,"YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET ME THE RED MEGA MAN, EH! NOW I CAN'T MAKE THE ULTRA MEGA MEGA MAN, YOU DIRTY CHEAP-ASS PIECE OF CRAP!"
Kyle,They were all out of 'em dude!
Cartman,I HATE YOU! I WANT YOU TO DIE! DIE!!
Kyle,Aaaaaaaa!
Cartman,"That's it! Party is over!  Everybody go home!  GET THE HELL OUT, I SAID! THE PARTY'S OVER! GET OUT, GODDAMMIT!"
Stan,"Whoa, dude, you need to mellow out!"
Cartman,Take your stupid Ants In The Pants with you!
Damien,Wow. That kid has some emotional problems.
Stan,"Aaanh, he does this all the time."
Chef,"Come on, children! We can still catch the end of the fight!"
Pip,"Ooooooooooooooooooooooo uf! Ohoho, what a splendid par-ty."
Jesus,Oh!
Satan,"Fight, dammit!"
Jesus,Oow!  Ooooooh!
Stan,"Dude, Jesus is getting his butt kicked!  You've got to fight, Jesus."
Jesus,"Why? What's the point? Nobody believes in me. Everyone put their money on Satan. My Father forsaked me, the town forsaked me... I'm completely forsook."
Kyle,"Somebody bet on you, Jesus. You said yourself that one person still had money on you."
Jesus,It doesn't matter. He's way too strong for me anyway-I give up.
Stan,"Goddammit Jesus, snap out of it! What would Nancy Kerrigan do, huh? Mancy Kerrigan wouldn't give up. When things were looking their darkest, Nancy Kerrigan fought to be the best.  She wouldn't stop until she was Number One!"
Kyle,Uuuuh. Stan?
Stan,Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't settle for second-best!
Kyle,Stan.
Stan,She wouldn't quit until she brought home the gold!
Kyle,Stan!
Stan,What?
Kyle,"Nancy Kerrigan got the silver, dude. She came in second."
Stan,... Really?
Kyle,"Yeah, dude!"
Stan,"Hoh, never mind, Jesus. Nancy Kerrigan sucks.  You know, somebody once said. 'Don't try to be a great man, just be a man'"
Jesus,... Who said that?
Stan,"You did, Jesus."
Jesus,"You're right, Stan. Thank you, boys!"
Kyle,Wow. Did he say that in the Bible?
Stan,"Nah, I saw it on Star Trek."
Kyle,Hmmm.
Satan,"Come on, sissy. Hit me! Hit me!"
Jesus,"Okay, pal. You asked for it!"
Satan,"Ooooooh, you got me."
Referee,One... Two... Three...
Jimbo,No way! He barely touched him!
Referee,... Seven... Eight ... Nine... Ten. You're out!
"Stan, Kyle",Our Savior!
Michael Buffer,"The winner by knockout and still undisputed ruler of your spiritual kingdommmm, Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ!"
Mr. Garrison,"Hey, he isn't hurt. He took a dive, he threw the fight!"
Jimbo,Yeah!
Satan,"Fools! You are all fools! Of course I took a dive. Don't you see? Who do you think was the one person that bet on Jesus to win?  Me, you idiots! And now I will take all your hard-earned money, and return to Hell a much richer Prince of Darkness, and buy some realty. HA HA HA HA HAA!"
Priest,I don't believe this!
Mr. Garrison,"Yeah, what a mean thing to do!"
Satan,"Farewell, fools!"
Jimbo,"Man, that guy is a jerk."
Stan,Jesus told you guys not to bet on Satan.
Mr. Garrison,"Boy, did we get screwed."
Chef,"Jesus, we're sorry. Can you ever forgive us?"
Jesus,Aw heck.  Do I have a choice?
Jimbo,"Well, Jesus, I definitely learned my lesson. Neeever bet on evil, 'cause when you d- Ned! Look, there's a rare duck-billed platypus!  Ih-it's comin' right for us!"
Stan,"Oh my God, they killed Kenny."
Kyle,You bastard!
Damien,"Well, goodbye, guys. It was nice getting to know you."
Stan,You're leaving already?
Damien,I have to. My dad's always on the move.
Stan,Wow. I feel kinda bad for that kid.
Kyle,Yeah. Just when he was being accepted he has to leave and start over.
Stan,Parents can be so cruel. Don't they realize that what a child needs more than anything is security?
Liane,"More pie, hon?"
Cartman,Eh... n-yeh. No... more... pie... eheh... seriously.
Wendy,"Stan, you know it's almost Valentine's Day."
Stan,I know.
Wendy,Maybe we should go on a cruise or something.
Stan,"I can't afford a cruise, dude."
Wendy,"I know, but...we can make a little boat out of cardboard and pretend it's a cruise."
Stan,"Shut up, Cartman!"
Cartman,"That is so-ho lame!  Oh man, I..."
Wendy,-and then we can dress up in little costumes and pretend we're getting married.
Cartman,"Stop, seriously; you're killing me all the time."
Principal Victoria,"Children, I have some difficult news for you. Mr. Garrison won't be teaching for a while. He has to have surgery.  So you're going to have a substitute teacher.  And I want you to show the substitute the same respect you show for Mr. Garrison.  Yes, little boy?"
Kyle,We don't have respect for Mr. Garrison.
Principal Victoria,"...Oh. Anywho, I want you all to meet your new substitute, Ms. Ellen."
Ms. Ellen,"Hello, children."
"Stan, Kyle",Whoa!
Cartman,"Wow, she's pretty."
Kenny,"(Damn, I'd like to get a taste of her!)"
Stan,You can say that again.
Kenny,"(Damn, I'd like to get a taste of her!)"
Principal Victoria,"Good luck, Ms. Ellen. If they get out of control, just use this tear gas, okay."
Ms. Ellen,"Thank you! I'm sure I'll be fine.  Now, children, I know that you must be very upset about your teacher having surgery,  but I promise I'll try to make things as easy as possible for all of us."
Wendy,Stan? Stan?!
Ms. Ellen,"Now, let me try and learn your names by your seating assignments. You arrre Eric...Cartman?"
Cartman,"Yes, ma'am."
Ms. Ellen,Okay aaand you must be Stan Marsh.
Stan,Yeu-bluuuch.
Ms. Ellen,"Do you need to go to the nurse's office, Stanley?"
Cartman,"Noh, he always pukes when he's in love."
Stan,"I'll kick your ass, Cartman!"
Ms. Ellen,So you're alright?
Stan,Bluuuch
Kyle,"Dude, you had waffles for breakfast, huh?!"
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, I have to admit I'm still embarrassed about getting a nose job, Tom. I didn't want people at school to know, so I told them I had herpes."
Tom,"You shouldn't be embarrassed, Mr. Garrison. People have cosmetic surgery all the time. Before we start, this computer can help you pick what kind of nose you want."
Mr. Garrison,Wow! Isn't that amazing Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat,"It sure is, Mr. Garrison!"
Tom,"Now, we could go with something a little smaller, which would make you look like this"
Mr. Garrison,Hmmm.
Tom,"Or we could straighten out the bridge, which would make you look like this ."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, that's not bad."
Tom,"Of course, we could narrow the bridge, which would make you look more like this ."
Mr. Garrison,WOW! That's it! That's the nose I want!
Tom,"Alright-y then.  Now I must warn you, Mr. Garrison, that there are risks. You could wind up a hideous, foul shadow of a creature, so terrifyingly ugly that you're forced to live in the sewers, only emerging at nighttime for scraps of food."
Mr. Garrison,I can live with that.
Tom,"Alrighty then, let's get started!"
Cartman,"She wasn't looking at you, buttlord, she was looking at me!"
Kyle,"Well that goes without saying, fatass, how could she help but look at you!"
Stan,You guy can stop fighting. It was me she was checking out!
Cartman,Until you puked on her.
Chef,"Hello there, children! What's all this I'm hearing about a new teacher?"
Kyle,"Ms. Ellen, dude! She's beautiful!"
Chef,Is she like uh - Vanessa Williams beautiful or-uh Toni Braxton beautiful? Or Pamela Anderson beautiful? ...Or - is she Erin Grey in the second season of Buck Rogers beautiful?
Stan,"Yeah, that one!"
Chef,Wooof! I've got to meet this woman.
Wendy,"Stan, didn't you notice how her left arm is longer than the right one?"
Stan,No.
Wendy,Well it is!
Chef,That's okay. You know what they say about women with one arm longer than the other...
Kenny,"(Yeah, they totally kick ass at spanking!)"
Chef,Thaat's right!
Wendy,"Well, did you notice that mole on the back of her neck with the hair growing out of it?"
Chef,That's okay. you know what they say about women with the mole on the back of their necks with hair growing out of it...
Wendy,"Stan? We're still Valentines, right?"
Stan,"Sure, Wendy, whatever."
Kyle,Hey! We should buy Ms. Ellen Valentine's Day presents.
Stan,Yeah! We'll go to the mall tonight!
Cartman,I'm gonna buy a vacuum cleaner-chicks like vacuum cleaners
Female singer,"I remember when we were still in loveThe moments that we shared were timeless.Saw it in the wind, knew it in a glance,the songs we sang were simple reminders."
Female singer,I can't stop nowMy heart's awakeI feel your armsMy arms to takeI must have changed...
Female singer,...Even when love is the same.
Ms. Ellen,"Oohhh, goodness. Would anybody mind cleaning my erasers after class?"
Cartman,"Memememememe, me!"
Bebe,You guys are so immature! Act like eight-year olds!
Ms. Ellen,"Stan, how about you?"
Stan,Bluuch! I'd love to.
Ms. Ellen,"Now, children, let's review our multiplication tables.  Cartman?"
Cartman,What's a multiplication table?
Ms. Ellen,"Didn't Mr. Garrison teach multiplication?  Well, where did he leave off?"
Cartman,We were learning about how Yasmine Bleeth is going out with that...Richard Greco guy that used to be on 21 Jump Street but then he got his own show for just a little while-
Chef,"Oh, hello."
Ms. Ellen,Can I help you?
Chef,I'm Chef.
Ms. Ellen,Aand?
Chef,I just uuuh - I stopped by 'cause little Kyle forgot his laundry detergent on the playground.
Kyle,My laundry detergent?
Stan,That's not Kyle's...
Chef,Sshh. Crazy cracker's always leavin' that detergent all over the place.  What was your name again?
Cartman,Uh-oh. Chef's moving in on Ms. Ellen.
Ms. Ellen,I'mm the substitute.
Chef,"Well, I'm sure there's no substitute for you."
Ms. Ellen,"That's very nice, Mr. Chef, now, if you're...finished-"
Chef (falsetto),"Nobody could take your placeNo way they could match your face, noYou've got it going on in a way so clear,I just want to buy you a beer...Uh maybe tonight, at 7:30 or something I could uh - come by and uh -Pick you up in my caa-a-aaaa-aa-aa-aa-aaar (No substitute)No substitute for you (No substitute)No, baby, there's (No substitute)For you girl (No substitute) for you nowYou know that it's true (No substitute)There's just, no substitute forYou!"
Stan,"We've got to learn how to do that, dude!"
Kyle,Yup!
Ms. Ellen,"That was enthralling, Mr. Chef, but...could I get back to teaching now?"
Chef,If we can have dinner tonight.
Ms. Ellen,"Fine, Chef.  Just let me do my job before I get fired."
Cartman,"Oh, weak! Chef's gonna make sweet love to Ms. Ellen!"
Ms. Ellen,Wwhat?!
Tom,Mr. Garrison. Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison,"Where-eh, where am I?"
Tom,"The operation is over, Mr. Garrison."
Mr. Garrison,"Uuf, I feel weak. How do I look?"
Tom,You look great!
Mr. Garrison,Ah-I feel kinda nauseous.
Tom,"Yes? Well, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, ssnapped some cartilage..."
Mr. Garrison,Aauugh-huh.
Tom,...all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart.
Mr. Garrison,UUUUUuuuuuugh
Tom,"By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?"
Mr. Garrison,"Bluuuch...Bluuuch...Bluuuch...Oh, stop, that movie was terrible!"
Tom,"I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest ; I'll check on you a little later."
Mr. Garrison,"Wuch, uch. Boy I had to see the entire movie to see the alien and it was her goddamned father!"
Ms. Ellen,"Okay, kids, remember your homework. We have a lot of catching-up to do."
Cartman,"Good-bye, Ms. Ellen."
Kyle,"Stop kissing ass, Cartman!"
Cartman,"I'm not kissing ass, you stupid slut!"
Wendy,"Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?"
Ms. Ellen,"Of course, Wendy."
Wendy,"I couldn't help but notice you taking a liking to my boyfriend, Stan."
Ms. Ellen,"Ohhh. Well, I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young and cute and full of life..."
Wendy,"Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?"
Ms. Ellen,"Of course, Wendy."
Wendy,Don't fuck with me!
Ms. Ellen,Wha?
Wendy,"You heard me! Stay away from my man, bitch, or I'll whup your sorry little ass back to last year!  Bye, Ms. Ellen."
Ms. Ellen,"Well, I certainly want to thank all you lovely children for the presents you got me  Ohhh. What a delightful scarf. Thank you, Kyle."
Stan,"Ploozer gift, ploozer gift."
Ms. Ellen,"And here's one from Kenny.  Oh, thank you very much, Kenny, this is a very scrumptious-looking sausage.  Oh, and what a nice alarm clock. Thank you, Stan."
Stan,Bluuch.
Ms. Ellen,"And here's another present...from Wendy.  Oh. Why, it's a dead animal.  Thank you, Wendy ."
Stan,See? She liked my present the best!
Kyle,"Where's your present, Cartman?"
Cartman,"Oh, well, I got Ms. Ellen a chocolate pie, but uuuuh-I left it at home"
Ms. Ellen,"Okay, kids. We're gonna take a spelling test now.  But as an extra incentive I'm gonna take whoever gets the highest score on the quiz out to dinner."
Cartman,"Oh, man, I wish I knew how to spell."
Ms. Ellen,"Are there any questions before we begin?  Yes, Wendy?"
Wendy,"When someone gets as old as you,  do they have to wear Depends undergarments?"
Kyle,Dude! I aced that test! I'm gonna win that dinner with Ms. Ellen!
Stan,No you're not! I don't think I missed any!
Wendy,"Hi, Stan."
Stan,I bet I scored 100!
Wendy,"HI, STAN!"
Stan,"Oh, hi, Wendy."
Wendy,"I was just in the bathroom, and Ms. Ellen was in there taking the biggest dump I've ever seen."
Kyle,"No, she wasn't!"
Wendy,"Yes, she was!"
Stan,That's impossible!
Wendy,"Well, she did! And she has horrible, horrible gas, too! She says she can't control it!"
Cartman,Nuh-uh!
Wendy,It smells like a dead calf rotting in the hot sun!
Kyle,Oh cool.
Cartman,"Hey Wendy, seriously, you need to stop with this whole jealousy thing!"
Kyle,"Yeah. You're acting like a freak, Wendy."
Wendy,NO I'M NOT ACTING LIKE A FREEEAK!!!
Cartman,"Damn, man, someone's got to pull that monkey out of Wendy's ass."
Chef,"Hello there, children."
Cartman,"Oh, hi, Chef."
Kyle,How did your date with Ms. Ellen go?
Chef,Not too good.
Stan,What happened? Didn't you make sweet love to her?
Chef,"No, nono, she's not like that. You see... uh, how do I put this? Children,... Ms. Ellen doesn't exactly play for the right team.  Ih-ih-ih-in in other words, children, she's not a member of the...heterosexual persuasion.  Don't you understand? She's a lesbian."
Stan,A whatbian?
Kyle,A plebeian?
Chef,You boys don't know what a lesbian is?
Stan,"Kenny?  No, explain it to us, Chef."
Chef,"Hud-that-that's okay. Uhd-uh, look. All you need to know is, Ms. Ellen's a lesbian, and that means she only likes other lesbians."
Stan,Oh.
Chef,"Now move along, children, you're holding up the line!"
Kyle,"Weak, dude. She only likes other lesbians?"
Stan,"Hey, man. If she only likes other lesbians, then all we gotta do is become lesbians, too!"
Kyle,"Hey, yeah!"
Cartman,"You guys. Ya know what? My grandma was Dutch Irish, and my grandpa was lesbian - that makes me quarter-lesbian."
Stan,"You're just saying that, Cartman."
Kyle,"Yeah, you're not a lesbian, fatass."
Cartman,"I am, too!"
Tom,"Okay, only a few more bandages to go."
Mr. Garrison,Well?
Tom,Take a look for yourself.
Mr. Garrison,"Wwooww, that's a pretty good nose job. What do you think, Mr. Hat?"
Mr. Hat,I think it looks great.
Tom,Yes. I think once the swelling goes down you'll really notice the difference.
Stan,"What the hell are you doing, Cartman?"
Cartman,My mom said if you want to become a lesbian you have to lick carpet.
Kyle,Really?
Stan,Well I got a...Indi-glo...Girls CD. The guy at the record store said it was perfect.
Kyle,And I got these killer Birken-stocks.
Indiglo Girls singer,I woke up very early one Sunday morn...
Cartman,This is a bunch of crap! I've been licking this carpet for three hours and I still don't feel like a lesbian!
Mr. Garrison,"Hi, Mrs. Campbell."
Mrs. Campbell,"Oh, How-dy Mr. Garrison. Se-hey, honey, you look kinda differe-hent-huh."
Mr. Garrison,Really?
Mrs. Campbell,Did you get a haircut?
Mr. Garrison,"No, but thanks for asking."
Mrs. Campbell,Call me! I'm in the book!
Mr. Garrison,"Wow, Mr. Hat. Having a nose job is even better than I thought. There's a whole world of opportunity opening up in front of us."
Wendy,"Thanks for coming over, Bebe."
Bebe,"That's okay, Wendy. I brought my makeup kit like you asked me. What are we doing, anyway?"
Wendy,"That mean old substitute isn't going to stop until she takes everything from me, Bebe."
Bebe,Really?
Wendy,"Yeah. What I'd really like to do is load her into a rocket and have her shoot into the center of the sun. But instead, I'll just get Stan to notice me again. Bebe, I need a makeover."
Bebe,"Oh, cool."
Stan,I can't wait for Ms. Ellen to see what a raging lesbian I am.
Cartman,I'm a bigger lesbian than you!
Stan,"No, you're a fatter lesbian than me."
Kyle,"Screw you guys, I'm king lesbian!"
Clyde,Whoa.  Is that Wendy Testaburger?
Wendy,"Hi guys, what's up?"
Cartman,"Wow. Wendy looks just like that chick from Grease, Elton John."
Stan,"Wow. Hi, Wendy."
Wendy,"Oh. Hi, Stan.  I think it worked, Bebe."
Bebe,Yeah.
Ms. Ellen,"Good morning, children."
Stan,Wow!
Cartman,Dang! That's nice!
Kyle,Yeah!
Ms. Ellen,"Oh, Wendy! You wore black leather, too!  We're like sisters!"
Wendy,DIE!!
Ms. Ellen,"All right, kids, I've finished grading your papers and the person with the highest score is-"
Mr. Garrison,"Hello there, children!"
Stan,"Oh, no, Mr. Garrison's back."
Cartman,"Oh, weak, dude!"
Wendy,"Hooray! Hooray! Hooray for Mr. Garrison!  He's back! He's back! Mr. Garrison is back! So loong, substitute. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out, now."
Mr. Garrison,"Children, I have a very important announcement to make.  I'm quitting my job as a teacher."
Wendy,Wwhat?
Mr. Garrison,"It's strange, but suddenly I feel really confident about myself, and I've decided to quit teaching, and do what I've always dreamed of doing: hang out and screw hot chicks."
Wendy,You...you can't.
Mr. Garrison,"But the good news is,  I've already talked to Principal Victoria about it and Ms. Ellen can stay on as your permanent teacher."
Class,Hooray!
Ms. Ellen,Really?
Principal Victoria,That's right. Will you stay?
Ms. Ellen,Wel...sure!
Wendy,Noooo! Noooo!
Ms. Ellen,"Oh. By the way, kids, the person who scored highest on the quiz and gets to have dinner on me...is...Stan."
Stan,Bluuch. Kick ass!
Wendy,Nooo!! Nooo!!
Principal Victoria,"Oh, and Wendy, I almost forgot, we just got a call in the office: your grandma just died."
Wendy,AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Principal Victoria,"Oh, my! What an exciting day!"
Photographer,"Great, baby, you're looking great!"
Mr. Garrison,"I'm a lady killer, Mr. Hat."
Mr. Hat,"You can say that again, Mr. Garrison."
Photographer,"Okay, just a few hundred more shots and we'll be done!"
Mr. Garrison,A few hundred?
Photographer,"Hey, that's the life of a model, baby."
Mr. Garrison,"Hoh, boy, I'm gonna need some more smack."
Photographer,You've got it!
Ms. Ellen,"I'm - very - glad we can have dinner together, Stanley. I want you to know that I really care about your education."
Stan,Are we making love now?
Ms. Ellen,Excuse me?
Stan,They don't have a fireplace here; we shouldn't be making love yet.
Ms. Ellen,What are you talking about?
Stan,"You have to make love down by the fire, that's what Chef always says."
Ms. Ellen,"Stan, I'm your teacher, okay? We're only friends."
Stan,But why?
Ms. Ellen,"Well first of all, you're eight."
Stan,"It's because I'm not a lesbian, isn't it?"
Ms. Ellen,Oh boy.
Wendy,It's over. I give up.
Mr. Garrison,"Boy I'll tell you something Mr. Hat. Being hot and sexy is fun for a while, but it sure does get boring."
Mr. Hat,"You can say that again, Mr. Garrison."
Mr. Garrison,What the...?  Whoa-hey-way-wait-aaah.  Aaaah. Mr. Hat! Save yourself!
Kyle,So how'd your date with Ms. Ellen go?
Cartman,Did you make love?
Stan,I think so.
Cartman,No way!
Stan,Yup.
Kyle,Down by the fire?
Stan,Yup.
Kenny,(And did you stick it in right when the fireplace gave you the shadow light?)
Stan,Did I what?
Ms. Ellen,"Good morning, children."
Wendy,Ms. Ellen. Can I talk to you?
Ms. Ellen,"Sure, but...can't it wait until after class, Wendy?"
Wendy,No. I just have to apologize for the way I've been acting.
Ms. Ellen,"Oh, that's okay, Wendy."
Wendy,"No, it's not. Since you're here to stay, I just hope we can be friends."
Ms. Ellen,"Well, I would love that, Wendy."
Wendy,"And - ahem - I want to apologize to everybody. The way I acted was wrong,  and I've learned from it.  I just wish...Stan, and Ms. Ellen, would have all the happiness in the world."
Ms. Ellen,"Wendy, there's nothing between me and Stan!"
Cartman,That's not what we just heard!
Mr. Garrison,"Hoh Mr. Hat, I hate this! I wish I'd never had a nose job."
Woman,"Oh my God, did he...?"
Mr. Garrison,"Damn this beautiful face of mine! Damn it to hell!!  We have to get the surgery again, Mr. Hat. I want to be the old me again!"
Ms. Ellen,"Okay, children, let's catch up on our cursive handwriting."
Leader,Down! Down! Everybody down!
Cartman,What the hell...?
Leader,"So! We meet again, Ms. Ellen!"
Principal Victoria,"And just what is going on here, mister?"
Leader,"I am Hakeem Korashki, of the mighty nation of Iraq! This woman is a traitor to our government!"
Ms. Ellen,It's a lie!
Korashki,"She has killed thousands, and will kill again, I assure you!"
Principal Victoria,"Ms. Ellen, is this true?"
Ms. Ellen,Nooo!
Korashki,We must take her back to Iraq immediately!
Wendy,"Oh, coool!"
Ms. Ellen,"Principal Victoria, please."
Korashki,Here is a black-and-white photo of Ms. Ellen with our leader.  Her real name is Makesh Alak Makarakesh.
Principal Victoria,"Well, Ms. Makaraqesh, you certainly tried to put one over on us, boy howdy. Take her away!"
Ms. Ellen,NOOOO!!  GET AWAY FROM ME!! UUGH!!
Stan,"Oh my God, she killed Kenny!"
Kyle,You bastard!
Ms. Ellen,NOOOOOOO!!
Wendy,Wow.  What incredible irony.
Stan,Wow. I can't believe Ms. Ellen was a criminal Iraqi fugitive.
Wendy,"Yeah, you just never know."
Stan,"Well, I guess I'm sorry that I was ignoring you and stuff."
Wendy,"Happy Valentine's Day, Staan."
Stan,Bluuuuch!
Wendy,Eeewwww!
Stan,Sorry.
Wendy,"No, it's okay, Stan!  Everything's going to be o-kay!"
Kyle,"Cartman, are you still trying to become a lesbian?!"
Cartman,"Yeah, dude! My mom says all I have to do is chow on this box."
Korashki,"For crimes against this country, you are hereby sentenced to be shot into the center of the sun!"
Ms. Ellen,Egh.  This is all a mistake!  This can't be happening!  Pleease! For the love of God!
Korashki,Shove off!!
Mrs. Campbell,"Wo-hoo-hoo! Great party, Wendy!"
Wendy,"Thanks, Mrs. Campbell. Thanks for helping me get Mr. Garrison to come back as a teacher."
Mrs. Campbell,"Anything for you, sugar-pie!"
Wendy,"Oh, hi, Kyle!"
Kyle,"I've been thinking, Wendy. This whole outcome is pretty strange."
Wendy,U-huh. Excuse me.  Ka fahra qehlaq hemblaq!
Iraqi,Ka fahra qetlaq humblaq!
Wendy,Laq hemblaq henlaq henlalah qemblaq!
Iraqi,Kuhla shaluah lakhenblaturtulah!
Wendy,Kaqemblaq!
Iraqi,"Ah, laqeh blakatah!"
Kyle,How is it that Ms. Ellen was suddenly arrested for being an Iraq-
Wendy,"Wait, wait!  It's time to whip out the eclipse shoebox thing!  Bye-bye, Ms. Ellen."
Kyle,Wendy! You didn't!
Wendy,I told her. Don't... fuck... with... Wendy... Testaburger!
Anthropologist,"...And so, these ancient arrowheads are buried deep down in the earth's crust. We dig them up, polish them off, and find over twelve new arrowheads every month."
Cartman,Boooriing.
Mr. Garrison,"Eric, keep quiet. I'm trying to sleep."
Anthropologist,"Now, can anybody tell me, who left these arrowheads here?"
Stan,Isn't that your job?
Anthropologist,"Well... yes, but I want to see if you're learning anything."
Stan,Oooh.
Anthropologist,"Okay, I tell you what. Why don't we all grab our little anthropology pickaxes - that were handed out and we wuh dig for our very own Indian arrowheads."
Cartman,"Day is never finished, Massa got me workingSomeday Massa set me free..."
Stan,"Dude. Shut up, Cartman."
Pip,Oh! Oh I think I found one!
Cartman,"No, I found it."
Pip,Oh. I do believe I found it first.
Cartman,"No, I did, Pip."
Pip,Oh dear.
Cartman,"Well, I guess we'll have to roshambo for it."
Pip,What do you mean?
Cartman,"Well. First I kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me in the nuts as hard as you can, and we keep going back and forth until somebody falls. The last one standing gets the arrowhead."
Pip,"Oh. By, weh. I suppose if I must."
Cartman,"Okay, ready? I'll go first."
Pip,"Well-uh I, I guess you win."
Cartman,"Huh I don't care. You can have this stupid arrowhead, I don't want it. Day is never finished, Massa got me working... Oh, look, I found another one  Ooh, this is just a stupid triangle!"
Kyle,"Whoa. Check it out, dude.  It's got little drawings on it."
Stan,What is it?
Kyle,I don't know.
Stan,Whoa!
Kyle,That was cool!
Cartman,Eeyy! Give me that back!
Kyle,"You threw it away, Cartman! It's mine now."
Cartman,We'll roshambo for it!
Kyle,"No way, fatty, it's mine!"
Cartman,ANTHROPOLOGIST!
Anthropologist,"How's it going, boys?"
Cartman,"I found a magic triangle, and this greedy son of a bitch took it from me!"
Kyle,"You threw it away, fatso!"
Anthropologist,"Hm, let me see that.  Why, this is Anasazi writing! My God, this must be thousands of years old!"
Cartman,"Come on, let me kick you in the nuts for it!"
Anchor,"...and finally tonight, a young boy from South Park, Colorado found something very interesting during a field trip today. Here with a special report is a quadraplegic Swiss man on a pony."
Quadraplegic Swiss man,"Thanks, Tom, the little eight year old was very shocked indeed when he came across a very ancient triangular object."
Kyle,"Well, I was just digging around, and I was all like, 'dude, I found this triangle' and my friends were like, 'dude' and I was all like 'dude.'"
Cartman,"...and I told him. I said, 'Kyle, I will kick you in the nuts.' But he didn't give it back to me. So I kicked him square - in the nuts, and he cried - like Nancy Kerrigan!"
Kyle,"You liar, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Screw you, triangle thief!"
Quadraplegic Swiss man,"And so, the little boy will take his discovery home and perhaps donate it to science... mwell a little later. Back to you, Dave."
Dave,"Thanks Tom. Those are some cute, cute kids, except for that last one-he's a little tubby."
Cartman,Eeyy!
Stan,"What are you going to do with it, dude?"
Kyle,"I'm going to put it in my room, where Cartman can't find it."
Cartman,"Oh I'll find it, don't worry!  God - dammit, give me my triangle, Kyle, seriously."
Stan,"You did throw it away, Cartman."
Cartman,I was just setting it aside.
Stan,"Well, you might as well let it go."
Cartman,Never! I'll get that triangle if it's the last thing I do!
Chef,Give me a little bit of that pepperGive me a little bit of that saltPut it in the skillet and cook it...
Leonard Maltin,"Excuse me, sir..."
Chef,"Can I help-ey, you're that movie critic - guy on TV."
Leonard Maltin,"Leonard Maltin, yes."
Chef,"Well, I'll be a teenage girl backstage at am Aerosmith concert. Leonard Maltin in my cafeteria. I'm Chef."
Leonard Maltin,"I know who you are. You must listen to me, Chef. We have precious little time. Have you seen Barbra Streisand recently?"
Chef,"Barbra Streisand? You mean like, the Barbra Streisand?"
Leonard Maltin,Have you seen her?!
Chef,No. Not since 'Yentl.
Leonard Maltin,Thank God. Then I'm not too late.
Chef,Too late for what?
Leonard Maltin,"Chef, it is of the utmost importance that you tell me where those little boys from the news report on TV are."
Chef,Why do you care?
Stan,I have a button we can use for his nose.
Kenny,"(Yeah, and I got this nice marble sack to go with this carrot stick, see?)"
Kyle,What would we use a marble sack for?
Cartman,Be careful where you put that carrot. Kyle might steal it.
Kyle,I didn't steal anything.
Cartman,"Stan, would you tell Kyle that I'm not speaking with him?"
Kyle,Good!
Cartman,What's that noise?
Kyle,Whoa!
Cartman,Aaah! Aliens!
Barbra Streisand,"Who is the boy I saw on the news report tonight?  Hello there, little boy. Do you know who I am?"
Kyle,No.
Barbra Streisand,Ugh. I bet you do.I'm going-
Kyle,Aagh! Stop that!
Barbra Streisand,-where there's lucky clovers in the f-
Stan,"Ow, that sucks, dude!"
Barbra Streisand,I'm Barbra Streisand!
Stan,...so?
Barbra Streisand,"So?! Uh muh, so I'm a very famous and vey important individual."
Stan,Like John Elway important?
Barbra Streisand,What?!
Stan,D'you know John Elway?
Barbra Streisand,No!
Stan,"Oh, so you're really famous and important but you don't know John Elway!"
Barbra Streisand,"Ugh. Look. Little boy, I understand that you found a neat little triangle near here, you know what I'm talking about?"
Kyle,Yyeeaahh.
Cartman,"No! I found it, he stole it!"
Kyle,"You threw it away, Cartman!"
Cartman,"I'm not talking to him, because he's a dirty thief."
Barbra Streisand,"Well, little boy, does the triangle have a symbol of two snakes joined at the middle?"
Kyle,Yeah. How'd you know?
Barbra Streisand,"Okay, now this is very important. Where is the triangle of Zinthar now?"
Kyle,Triangle of Zinthar?
Stan,"Why do you wanta know, lady?!"
Barbra Streisand,"I'm not talking to you, you piss-ant little hick!"
Stan,"Whoa, dude!"
Barbra Streisand,"Where is the triangle, dammit?!"
Kyle,AAAAAA!
Officer Barbrady,What seems to be the problemo here?
Barbra Streisand,"Problemo? Huh, There's no problemo, Officer. I was just introducing myself to these charming little boys."
Cartman,Na-ah! She's being a total bitch!
Officer Barbrady,"Boys, shouldn't you be in school?"
Stan,It's Saturday.
Officer Barbrady,"No excuses, move along, you little troublemakers!"
Barbra Streisand,...Well?!
Officer Barbrady,Well what?
Barbra Streisand,"You know who I am, don't you?"
Officer Barbrady,"Well, you ain't Fiona Apple, and if you ain't Fiona Apple, I don't give a rat's ass!"
Barbra Streisand,Waaaaaaah!
Officer Barbrady,"Hoh, what a bitch!"
Chef,"I guess he's not home, Leonard Maltin."
Leonard Maltin,Damn! Then we must look for them elsewhere.
Chef,"Come on, man. What is this all about?"
Leonard Maltin,"If Barbra Streisand saw the same report I did, then those boys are in grave danger. If you were Barbra Streisand, where would you be right now?"
Chef,Hmmm.
Leonard Maltin,"Nono! I mean, where would she be staying?"
Chef,"Oh. Uh, well, I always heard that Ms. Streisand had her own $4 million condominium - up near the ski slope."
Leonard Maltin,Where?
Chef,Uh I don't know. Ih-ih it was just a runor.
Leonard Maltin,"Dammit man, where's your car?!"
Barbra Streisand,"He has it, Milo. That little bastard has the triangle."
Milo,Are you sure?
Barbra Streisand,I'm sure! He knew about the symbol of Krewluck!
Milo,Then why don't we go get it?
Barbra Streisand,"A cop showed up - he's a clever one - I can't blow everything now that I'm this close. Everything must be handled very carefully.  How many years has it been, Milo? Thirty? Forty? For so long I have waited to find the other triangle, and now I am so close. The Dawn of Zinthar is close at hand!"
Ike,Cokeshen.
Kyle,Cartman?
Cartman,"You scared the crap out of me, Ike!"
Kyle,What the hell are you doing?!
Cartman,"I'm trying to get my tri- wait a minute, I'm not talking to you. Ike, will you tell Kyle that I was trying to get my triangle back?"
Ike,Rear trohtru badt.
Kyle,"Well, Ike. You can tell Cartman that it's my triangle!"
Ike,Cookeh monter
Cartman,"Well, you can tell Kyle that he's a dirty goddam son of a bitch!!"
Ike,Ahtoahtahneurah.
Kyle,"Alright, alright! If it means that much to you, take the stupid triangle!"
Cartman,Huh?!
Kyle,"If it'll make you leave me alone, then just take the damned thing! Here!  There. Now, get out of my house! And I hope you feel really, really good about yourself!"
Cartman,"Hell, yeah I do, I got the triangle.I got the triangle, I got the triangle, dee dun dee dun"
Leonard Maltin,Are you sure Barbra Streisand has a condo up here?
Chef,It was just a rumor. A lot of big celebrities have mountain condos.
Leonard Maltin,Then we've got to keep looking.
Chef,"Alright. Leonard Maltin, this has gone far enough! I ain't drivin' another mile until you tell me what this is all about!"
Leonard Maltin,Haven't you ever been curious about the insanity Barbra Streisand exhibits?
Chef,"Well, I always heard she was kind of a bitch, but-."
Leonard Maltin,"More than a bitch! She's a calculating, self-centered egotistical bitch! She was born in a small town, her mother was a jackal, and her father was an insurance salesman."
Chef,Woohoohoohoo. An insurance salesman?
Leonard Maltin,"When she was five, she knew that she wanted to be a famous singer, but by the time she was six, her ambitions became to rule the univese. She learned of an ancient diamond, the Diamond of Pantheos."
Chef,"Okay. You know what? Never mind, I don't need to know all this!  Forget I asked!"
Leonard Maltin,"Before she was seven the keepers of Pantheos learned of this insane little girl's wish. The diamond was split up, and buried at opposite ends of the world. But then, during the shooting of My Fair Lady, Barbra Streisand found one of the triangles."
Chef,And the other triangle is the one that little Kyle has?
Leonard Maltin,"Yes, Mr. Chef. If Babs gets ahold of that other triangle, she will fulfill her prophecy, and become the most threatening thing ever known to mankind. Mecha-Streisand!"
Chef,"Mega-Streisand? Oh, man, I don't know what the hell that means, but it doesn't sound good."
Stan,"Man, the bus sure is late."
Cartman,"Hmmm. I wonder what I should do with my triangle, now that it is mmyy triangle."
Kyle,Dammit Cartman! I gave it to you so you would shut... up.
Barbra Streisand,"Oh, hello there, little boys. How are you today?"
Stan,Fine.
Barbra Streisand,"That is great. My name is Mrs. Jones, and I am a very friendly, nice person.  I hear that one of you found my triangle."
Kyle,Your triangle?
Barbra Streisand,"Yes. You see, that triangle is part of my kidney dialysis machine. I'm so glad you found it, because without it I was sure to die within hours."
Cartman,Oh no you don't! Finders Keepers!
Barbra Streisand,But I'll die.
Cartman,"Well, I guess we'll have to roshambo for it. I'll kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me square in the nuts as hard as you can..."
Barbra Streisand,I want to give you a big cash reward for finding it. It's worth a lot of money to me.
Cartman,It is?
Stan,"Hey, no wonder that Barbra Streisand lady wanted it."
Barbra Streisand,"Oooh, hahahah. Who is that?"
Kyle,"Oh, just this really really old lady who wishes she was still only 45."
Stan,"Yeah, and you should have seen her nose. It was big enough to land stealth bombers on."
Cartman,"Yeeh, stealth bombers  Yeah, and talk about a bitch, I haven't seen-"
Barbra Streisand,"ENOUGH!!  Oh, Haa-ha. Anyway, if you'll come with me in my car, I'll take you up to my condo where I'll kill you - I I mean-uh, uh give you - moneyy - for the triangle."
Cartman,"Sweet! I'm gonna be rich. Bet you wish you hadn't given me that triangle back now, huh, Kyle? Dumbass!"
Kyle,Wait. Isn't there some rule about not getting into cars with strnagers?
Cartman,"No, not when money is involved, stupid!"
Director,And. Action!
Sidney Poitier,"Rebecca, I'm a man. A man like any other with dreams and emotions. And that's why I'll never put a foreign object up my ass."
Director,"Cut, great, print that. Excellent work, Sid. Take five, guys, let's set up for the next shot."
Princesses,Hello.
Sidney Poitier,Huh?
Princesses,You must hurry! A young man has found the Triangle of Zinthar.
Sidney Poitier,Where?
Princesses,At a small piss-ant white-bread mountain town in Colorado called South Park.
Sidney Poitier,Excellent!
Barbra Streisand,"Eh. Soon, the triangle of Zinthar will be mine, and I will be the biggest, most famous person ever!"
Cartman,Ugh. Llet me go! Seriously!
Stan,"Yeah, let us go!"
Barbra Streisand,You fools have no idea the powers that you are meddling with! I'll teach you to meddle with my triangle!
Cartman,"Eey!  It's not my triangle, it's Kyle's!"
Kyle,"Hey! Don't try to pass it back on me, fatass!"
Cartman,"Eechh! Screw you, hippie! Eeeh-eh."
Barbra Streisand,Wheeere is the triangle of Zinthar?!
Cartman,I don't remember.
Kyle,Goddammit tell her! I wanna go home!
Barbra Streisand,Maybe this will help jar your memory...
Cartman,No! Don't!  AAAAAA! AAAAADUH!
Barbra Streisand,NOOOW do you remember?!
Cartman,"WAAAGH! Damn your black heart, Barbra Streisand!"
Stan,"Ugh. I don't know how much more I can take, dude."
Barbra Streisand,Alright. You asked for it!I'm gonna tell you now...
Chef,"Eeeeh-I don't know, man. Maybe Barbra Streisand doesn't have a place up here after all."
Leonard Maltin,"Well, looks like we'll have to go to plan B."
Chef,"There's a plan B? Why the hell have we been driving around all night and day for, when there's a plan B."
Leonard Maltin,"Have you ever heard of the band called, The Cure?"
Chef,"Ooh, come oonn! Don't tell me The Cure has something to do with this too!"
Leonard Maltin,"No, no. Just the lead singer.  Oh! Ah!"
Chef,"Who-o-oa! What's the matter, Leonard Maltin?"
Leonard Maltin,She's close! She's very close-I can feel her.
Chef,Where?
Leonard Maltin,"Sh-She has the boys! The, they're in trouble!"
Chef,"Ooh, fudge!"
Leonard Maltin,Keep going this way! Hurry!
Barbra Streisand,Happiness with you is like happiness...
Cartman,"Okay, okay. I'll tell where the triangle is. It's inside my shoe."
Kyle,"Aagh! For Christ's sake, Cartman, when was the last time you changed your socks?"
Cartman,I suppose your socks smell like the Botanical Gardens!
Barbra Streisand,"Finally, the triangle is mine! After centuries of waiting, I finally have the triangle of Zinthar! Now, the Diamond of Pantheos is complete  Sugoi! Kono ima... atarashii hajimari da! Ima kara... atashi no na mae wa... (Wow! This is... a new beginning! From now on... my name will be...)"
Stan,"Whoa, dude!"
Barbra Streisand,...Mecha... Barbura... Sutoraisando!
Stan,"Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here."
Jimbo,"Holy crap, Ned! That's the biggest Goddamned deer I have ever seen!"
Reporter,"...and so, just weeks after the devastating attack of mutant genetic creatures, zombies, and Thanksgiving turkeys, the town of South Park has managed to rebuild itself, once again be-  Oh, Goddammit, not again!"
Singer,"Bar-bura, Bar-bura... ...kirai no hito. (you are so hateful) Bar-bura, Bar-bura... ...anata no hi. (today is your day)"
Assistant,Mayor! Barbra Streisand is-
Mayor,"I noticed! Call the National Guard!  Ohohohoh, we'll get you, you bitch.  And to think I actually watched your HBO special."
Chef,Children!
The boys,Chef!
Leonard Maltin,Oh no! No! She has joned the two triangles?
Cartman,Yes! She stole my triangle!
Stan,Get us down from here!
Chef,I can't - break these - locks!
Leonard Maltin,"Stand back, Chef!  Marutam Re!"
Kyle,"Whoa, that was cool!"
Leonard Maltin,"I've got to go after Mecha Streisand! Chef, I need you to call Robert Smith of The Cure at this number!"
Stan,Robert Smith? Sweet!
Robert Smith,Hello?
Chef,"Uuuh, yes. Is this Robert Smith of the Cure?"
Robert Smith,Yes i' is.
Chef,"This may sound kind of strange, but... Leonard Maltin asked me to call you."
Robert Smith,"Ooooooh so Barbra Streisand's found the other triangle, eh?"
Sergeant,"All right, men, give 'er everything you've got!"
Jimbo,"Get around th' side there, Ned. I can't get a shot in from here."
Ned,Okay.  Aah! aah! I'm scaared!
Singer,"Bar-bura, Bar-bura, ugoina chichi da. (Barbra, Barbra, those tits are wonderful)"
Sergeant,It's no use! Our firepower has no effect!
Sheila Broflovski,"Oh my God, it is you! Oh, I an such a huge fan, Ms. Streisand. I never thought I'd live to see you in person!  I hate to ask this, but could I get an autograph? My sister would die.  Oh thank you, Ms. Streisand!"
Citizen,Oh my Goooodd!
Mr. Garrison,"We're doomed! Good-bye, Mr. Hat."
Singer,"Bar-bura, Bar-bura!"
Leonard Maltin,"Barbra!  Kitte, Kitte. Churipu. (Come, come. Tulip!)"
Singer,Ultura Lenardu Marutin!
Chef,"Look out, children!"
Kenny,(Oh no! I have got to stay away fro-aaagh!)  (Ugh!)
Stan,"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!"
Kyle,You bastard!
Sidney Poitier,What's going on here?
Chef,Sidney Poitier?
Sidney Poitier,That's right. I'm Sidney Poitier.
Chef,"Damn, man, it's nice to meet you! Seein' Sidney Poitier in my hometown!"
Sidney Poitier,Barbra Streisand has found the triangle of Zinthar?
Chef,Yeup! She's made the Diamond of Pantheos alright.
Sidney Poitier,Kolooh kulatchki!
Singer,"Megara Poatia, Megara Poatia, sokuroi da ne. (Megara Poatia Megara Poatia. Look, how black you are.) Megara Poatia, Megara Poatia-"
Chef,Is that really necessary?
Chef,"It's over. She's too strong for them, children. We'll have to leave town."
Cartman,Make it go away! I hate Barbra Streisand! I hate her!
Stan,"My mom always said there were no monsters, but there are, aren't there, Chef?"
Chef,We have to say good-bye... to South Park.
Woman,"Oh my Goooood, help meeee!"
Robert Smith,Am I too late?
Chef,Who are you?
Stan,Dude! Robert Smith of the Cure!
Cartman,Sweet!
Robert Smith,"Here, you boys hold this walkie, you can help me fight her."
Chef,"You can try, Robert Smith, but that thing just beat the crap out of Leonard Maltin and Sidney Poitier."
Robert Smith,I have to try. I can't let Barbra Streisand do this to the entire world.
Singer,"Rabartu Smitu, Rabartu Smitu, tashiwa daisuki Rabartu Smitu. (Robert Smith, Robert Smith, I like you a lot, Robert Smith)"
Leonard Maltin,We must tell him that her weak point is the nose.
Stan,"Robert Smith, hit her nose. Use Robot Punch."
Kyle,The Diamond of Pantheos.  She must be powerless now.
Stan,"Quickly, Robert Smith! She's powerless!"
Singer,"Rabartu Smitu, Rabartu Smitu!"
Stan,He did it!
Kyle,"No more Barbra Streisand, everrrrr!"
Stan,Wow! Robert Smith is the greatest person that ever lived!
Jesus,Our Savior!
Robert Smith,"Can I have my walkie-talkie back now, please?"
Cartman,No way! You gave it to us-it's mine now!
Robert Smith,"Alright, I'll roshambo you for it. Ready?"
Cartman,Huh?  Eh. Aaah-ah! Aaah!
Chef,Hey! Where's he goin'?
Stan,"Good-bye, Robert Smith!"
Cartman,Thanks for your help! Visit us again!
Kyle,Disintegration is the best album everrr!
Stan,"Well, what should we do with the two triangles now?"
Kyle,We've got to get rid of them.  Nobody should have the kind of power Barbra Streisand wanted!
Stan,"Well, at least I have this sweet walkie-talkie Robert Smith gave me."
Cartman,"No! That's my walkie-talkie, he gave it to me!"
Kyle,"Dammit Cartman, don't you ever learn anything?!"
Cartman,"Come on, Stan, it's mine! I'll roshambo you for it!"
Stan,"Go to hell, Cartman!"
Kyle,"Well, that whole experience sure did suck."
Stan,Yeah. I'm sure glad that's over with.
Kyle,"But you know, I've learned something today. I've learned that people who want power, a lot of power, always... end up dead."
Stan,Yeah.
Cartman,"Yeah, and I've learned something, too. Robert Smith kicks ass!  Oh no! She's back!"
Stan,Oh my God! Look!
All three,AAAAA! MECHA IKE!
Stan,"Dude! The bus will be here any minute, and Cartman didn't show up for school."
Kyle,Yeah. This is like the third day in a row. I wonder what's wrong
Kenny,"(Perhaps, he's just too big to get out of bed)"
Kyle,Yeah.
Stan,Maybe we should ditch school and go check on him.
Ms. Crabtree,"Come on, we're running late!"
Stan,"We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch!"
Ms. Crabtree,What did you say?!
Stan,"I said: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch."
Ms. Crabtree,"Oh. Alright, then."
Kyle,"Whoa, dude."
Stan,I always wondered if that would work.
Liane,"Hello, boys."
Kyle,"Hi. We were wondering why fatass  I mean, Cartman, hasn't been showing up for school."
Liane,"Ooooh, he's just been feeling under the weather. Maybe you boys can cheer him up. He's in the backyard."
Stan,In the backyard?
Cartman,"Would you like some more tea, Polly Prissy Pants?"
Polly,"Yes, Eric, I would like some tea. Thank you."
Cartman,"You're very welcome, Polly Prissy Pants.  Would you like some tea, Clyde Frog?"
Clyde,"Yes, please, Eric. Why are you so cool?"
Cartman,"Oh. I don't know, Clyde Frog. I just am."
Polly,"You are so strong and smart, Eric. Everybody likes you."
Cartman,"Why, thank you, Polly Prissy Pants. How nice of you."
Stan,"Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here."
Kenny,"(I think if we run, try to get Eric to drop his tea)"
Kyle,Come on! Let's go make fun of him!
Stan,"No, dude. This look really serious. I think we'd better get help."
Kyle,Really?
Peter,"We like ya, Eric. You are the coolest guy in the world. This is tremendous tea."
Cartman,"Why, thank you, Peter Panda. This is Distinctive Earl Grey."
Polly,Eric is the best!
Clyde,Hooray for Eric!
Peter,Eric kicks ass!
Kyle,"Mr. Mackey, something's really wrong with Cartman."
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, well, there's a news flash!"
Stan,Nono. We saw him having a tea party with his stuffed animals.
Kyle,Yeah. He was doing their voices and pouring tea for them.
Mr. Mackey,"Oooh okay... Eric is obviously suffering from some kind of emotional distress, mkay?"
Kyle,Woo-whataya mean?
Mr. Mackey,Have you boys noticed anything recently that troubled Eric?
Stan,No.
Mr. Mackey,"Well-obviously something is bothering him.  Oh, of course!  My video camera! Boys, if you could videotape Eric's behavior, then I can study him psychologically and find out what's wrong, mkay?"
Stan,Is that legal?
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, hell yes!"
Cartman,"My goodness, that's a lovely dress you are wearing, Polly Prissy Pants."
Polly,"Oh, thank you, Eric. You are a perfect gentleman, and you are smart and true."
Peter,"Yes, Eric, you are strong and smart and true. Everybody likes you very much."
Cartman,"That's niiice, Peter Panda."
Stan,"Dude, this is going to be the funniest tape ever made."
Kyle,How much do you think Mr. Mackey needs?
Stan,"I donnow, just keep rolling."
Cartman,"More tea, Rumpertumskin?"
Rumpertumskin,"Yes, please, Eric. You are tough and handsome."
Cartman,"Thank you, Rumpertumskin. And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?"
Clyde,I think you're a big fat piece of crap.
Cartman,Eeeyy!
Kitty,Meow.
Cartman,"No, Kitty, this is my corned beef cabbage!"
Kitty,Meow.
Cartman,"No, Kitty, that's a bad kitty!"
Kitty,Hhhhhcck!
Liane,"How is your beefy roast, snookums?"
Cartman,Mom? Can I ask you a question?
Liane,"Sure, hon."
Cartman,"You know how my friend Stan, has... a dad?"
Liane,Uh huuuh.
Cartman,"And my friend Kyle has - a dad, and my friend Kenny has a dad?"
Liane,"Yyeess??  Well, what's your question, hon?"
Cartman,God-dammit!! Do I have a dad?!
Liane,Oooooohh.
Cartman,I want to know where I came from.
Liane,"Ooohh, hhmmm . Wwell - yyou see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are... attracted to each other , they want to be... close to each other."
Cartman,Uh huuh.
Liane,And sometimes the man puts his who-who-dilly in the woman's cha-cha.
Cartman,So who put his who-who-dilly in your cha-cha?
Liane,"Eric, the day I met your father it was like - magic! It was a beautiful autumn night when the aspen trees were turning, at the Twelfth Annual Drunken Barn Dance."
Liane,I was young and naive then...
Man,"Man, I've never seen a woman drink that much-you're amazing, Ms. Cartman."
Liane,"Oh, heck. I haven't even started yet. He-he.  I baked cookiees; would anybody like one?!"
Trainee Barbrady,"I wouldn't mind gettin' ahold of your cookies, Ms. Cartman!"
Liane,"Well, go right ahead, Officer Barbrady."
Trainee Barbrady,"Mm, that's a good cookie!"
Jimbo,"Come on everybody, let's do the Drunken Barn Dance!"
Liane,"And then I saw him. He was the most beautiful, charming piece of ass I'd ever seen in South Park. His name... was Chief Running Water.  I don't recall exactly how the rest of the night went, but the next morning I was pregnant with you, my little blueberry muffin."
Cartman,"So where is Chief Running Water-I mean, Dad, now?"
Liane,Oh I never saw him after that. Ah-I wasn't really that interested in him.
Cartman,"That isn't a very romantic story, Mom."
Liane,I heard he still lives on the Ute reservation just outside of town.
Cartman,Well. To think all this time I'm actually a Naive American.
Kitty,Meow.
Cartman,"No, Kitty, that's a bad kitty!!"
Annoncer,"Coming this Sunday,  a major television event that will blow you away. Terrance. Phillip.  In the harrowing made-for-TV drama, Not Without My Anus, based on a true story."
Terrance,"Hey, Phillip. I have to go to Iraq and find my kidnapped daughter."
Phillip,"Then I'm going to go with you, Terrance."
Annoncer,See Canada's hottest stars on the HBC movie of the week.
Stan,"Wow, check it out, dude. We have to remember to tape Not Without My Anus next week!"
Kyle,"Yeah, dude. It looks riveting."
Stan,Come on Grampa. We wanna watch Terrance and Phillip.
Grampa,"No, Billy. We're gonna watch the Bob Saget show."
Stan,Aaawww.
Kyle,Hunh?
Annoncer,"And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos. Here is you host, Bob Saget!"
Bob Saget,"Hey, I just flew into the studio.  Boy are my arms tired. Heheh. Heh.  Wha, Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? 'Cause he didn't have the guts.  Knock knock.  Bob  Bob Saget"
Stan,This guy sucks!
Kyle,Yeah. He's almost as bad as that guy on Full House.
Stan,Cartman? What the hell are you doing dresed up like an Indian with a bear necklace?
Cartman,"Naive American, Stan, and the bear is very important to my people."
Stan,What??
Cartman,"Hey! The white man has marred my people long enough! You keep your God-damned mouth shut!  Stan, I need your bike in order to ride over to the reservation."
Stan,"What are you talking about, Cartman?!"
Cartman,"My name isn't Eric Cartman, it's Eric Running Water. Now, can I borrow your bike, or do I have to kick you in the nuts and steal it?"
Stan,"Go ahead, dude."
Kyle,Man. Cartman's more screwed up than I thought.
Stan,"Yeah. We'd better get this videotape over to Mr. Mackey, quick!"
Bob Saget,"Just a free li'l reminder to all of you out there: send us your stupidest home videos. Grand prize for this month will be $10,000."
Grampa,Ten thousand dollars? Holy smokes.
Kyle,"Wow, I wish we had a stupidest home video."
Chief Running Water,...And Bear cried to Eagle-
Indian 1,"Running Water, there is some kid here to see you."
Chief Running Water,What kid?
Indian 1,He claims to be your kid.
Cartman,"Hiya, Dad!"
Chief Running Water,Who the hell are you?
Cartman,"I'm your son, Eric. My mom says you put your who-who-dilly in her cha-cha, at the Drunken Barn Dance."
Chief Running Water,Your mother?
Cartman,Liane Cartman.
Chief Running Water,"Cartman? Hohoho. Oh boy, I was worried there for a second.  Look, kid, I'm not your father."
Cartman,But my mom says you're the guy she was with.
Chief Running Water,"Kid, I hate to break this to you, but your mother is what we Native Americans refer to as, 'Bear with Wiiide Canyon.'"
Cartman,Whatooya mean?
Chief Running Water,"She is, 'Doe who cannot keep legs together.'"
Cartman,Huh??
Chief Running Water,Your mom's a slut
Cartman,Eeyy!!
Chief Running Water,"Don't feel too bad. Your mom was just too drunk to remember what happened. Let me tell you.  We got tired of dancing, so we went off to find a private spot.  I knew that she wanted me, because she kept saying romantic things."
Liane,"Oh, Chief. I want your hot man chowder."
Chief Running Water,"Whoa, Helloooh!!"
Liane,Wait. Wait.  Who is that?  Chief... could you excuse me for a minute?
Chief Running Water,Huh??  You gotta be kidding me.
Liane,Why hello there. I don't think I've seen you around before.
Chef,Nawh. I'm new in town.
Liane,"Well, what's a nice, handsome, black  man like yourself doing in a pit like South Park?"
Chef,I'm gonna open up my own restaurant here.
Liane,"Mmmm-my, how exciting. Would you care to... put your tongue in my mouth?"
Chef,"Daaamn, baby! You cut right to the chase, don't you?"
Liane,"Ahah, I'm plastered!"
Cartman,His tongue? Chef?? Chef is my dad??
Chief Running Water,He's the last person I saw with your mom that night.
Cartman,Oh my God! I'm a black African American!
Stan,"Come on, Kenny, get the go-cart going. I wanna ride it."
Kyle,Did you send the videotape to America's Stupidest Home Videos?
Stan,Yeah. I mailed it last night. What sucks is that now I'll have to actually watch that Bob Saget guy to find out if we won.
Kyle,"If we win, we can buy a new go-cart that actually runs."
Stan,Shhh! Here comes Cartman.
Cartman,"'S up, homies?"
Stan,Cartman?!
Cartman,I was just down in the SPC kickin' it with some G's on the Westsa-eed-eh.
Kyle,"You live on the Eastside, Cartman!"
Stan,"Dude, I thought you said you were Native American."
Cartman,Weh hunh hrhrh hrh huh-right! Like I'm some hippie Indian.  You know what I'm sayin' G? Check you later-I'm gonna go chill with mide-my dad.
Stan,"Dude. We should be videotaping this. We could make another $10,000."
Kenny,(Guuyys! Could you please make it stoopp?!!)
"Stan, Kyle","Hold on, Kenny!"
Kenny,"(Oof. Oh this Goddamned freakin'-  AARGH  Goddamn, why-  Oh this freakin'-  AARGH  Phew.  Well, I'm fine, guys!  Now if I can-"
Stan,"Oh my God, they've killed Kenny."
Kyle,You bastards!
Chef,Hello?
Cartman,"Yo, Pops!"
Chef,"Boy, what the fudge are you doin'?"
Cartman,"You know, jus'... layin' down some rhymes for G-folk, you know what I'm sayin'?"
Chef,Get in here!
Cartman,Westsa-eed-eh.
Chef,Take that wig off!  What's gotten into you?!
Cartman,"You're my dad, Chef. Chief Running Water said - you got together with my mom at the Drunken Barn Dance."
Chef,"What?! Noh! Uh, did I?"
Cartman,He said you kissed her with your tongue.
Chef,"Ooooh-ho-ho-hoh hohohohoh, that's different. Women don't get pregnant from tongue-kissing, children."
Cartman,Huho. So you're not my dad?
Chef,"Of course not. Here. You children sit down,  and let me explain somethin' to you about where babies come from. THEN, you'll see why I can't be your dad.When a man loves a woman, and a woman loves a man,Actually, sometimes a man doesn't love a woman, buut...he acts like he does, in order to get some action, hehehThe magic starts to happen, and the two take off their clothes, that's rightAnd they caress and touch each other, until the part of the man growsOooooooooo And they roll around and now things a-really startuh getting hotAnd the man says ""I love you"" and the woman says ""hold on a second, I gotta go to the bathroom""So you wait, and you wait, and you wait and you wait......and you wait, and you wait, and you waaaaiitAnd you wait and you're coolin' down and she's still goin' to the bathroomFinally she comes back, and she says, ""Baby, I'm gettin' hot!""And that's when you gotta jam her butt and pump her full of..."
Cartman,What?! Who the hell did that to my mom at the Drunken Barn Dance?!
Chef,"Oh, children, that was a long time ago. But I'll tell you what I remember."
Liane,"Whoa, Chef!  You're so strong!"
Jimbo,"Hey, everybody, look who's here! The AFC Champion Denver Broncos!"
Bronco 1,Are we late for the party?
Bronco 2,What the hell town is this?
Liane,"Oooohh, Chef! Woooo, Chef!"
Chef,"Damn, woman, what's gotten into you?!"
Liane,Woooh! Whooppee!!  Unhh!
Chef,Garrison! What the hell are you doing?!
Mr. Garrison,"You're drunk, Mr. Hat!"
Chef,"Ooooh, man! I'm outta here!"
Liane,"Come on, Chef! Haven't you ever heard of a manage o'three?"
Chef,Yeah! When two women are involved.
Mr. Garrison,"Damn, Damn, Damn!! Oh well, I guess it'll just have to be you and me, Ms. Cartman."
Chef,And that's... who she was with last! Mr. Garrison!
Cartman,"No! Noooooo! No, God, Nooo!"
Announcer,"And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos-"
Bob Saget,Here's a video sent to us that shows a very disturbed little boy.
Cartman,"Why, thank you Polly Prissy Pants. You are my best friend."
Polly,"I think you are one of the coolest people in the world, Eric. And you are not fat at all."
Cartman,Really? You don't think so?
Clyde,"Naw, you're not fat."
Cartman,"Gee, that's kewl."
Sharon,"Aww, Stanley. We just heard the news that your little friend Kenny was killed by a train this morning."
Stan,Huh?  Oh yeah.
Randy,"Is there-uh anything we can do for you, son?"
Stan,How 'bout some ice cream?
Kyle,"Yeah, with butterscotch."
Sharon,"You bet, you poor dears."
Bob Saget,"Now, the moment you've all been waiting for, when one of our lucky videos qualifies for the $10,000 Grand Prize to be chosen tomorrow night! The winner is  Little Boy's Tea Party"
Kyle,Woohoo!
Stan,"Oh, yeah! We're gonna be in the finals!"
Kyle,"We're gonna win $10,000!"
Stan,Man! Cartman's gonna be famous!
Mr. Garrison,"Well, I guess we should go, Mr. Hat."
Mr. Hat,"Oh, just one more Cosmopolitan, Mr. Garrison."
Mr. Garrison,"Mr. Hat, you need to admit you have a drinking problem!  Another Cosmo, please."
Cartman,"All this time! Why didn't you tell me, father?!"
Mr. Garrison,"What the hell are you talking about, Eric?"
Cartman,It was you all along. You were with my mother the night of the Drunken Barn Dance!
Mr. Garrison,Oh.
Jimbo,Garrison? That's impossible. He's gay.
Mr. Garrison,I am not gay!
Cartman,Then you did sleep with my mom?
Mr. Garrison,No!
Jimbo,He's gay!!
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, Okay! I admit it! I might have made love to your mother at the Drunken Barn Dance! But who here didn't?!  Now come on, honestly. Who here has never had sex with Mrs. Cartman?"
Principa Victoria,Oooooh.
Mayor,Hmmm.
Grizzled Man,I haven't.
Mr. Garrison,"...You don't count, Halfy-you don't have any legs!"
Halfy,Oh. Yeah.
Mr. Garrison,"So you see, Eric, anyone here could be your father. I'm afraid you're never going to know."
Jimbo,"Don't feel too bad there, kid. I never knew who my father was either. I mean, I did know who he was and well, we had some great times together in huntin' and fishin' whe-well, hell, you know what I mean."
Mephesto,"Wait, wait.  I know a way to find out."
Cartman,How?
Mephesto,"At my laboratory. We can do DNA genetic testing. I'll take some of your blood along with the blood of everyone here, and we can determine who your father is."
Cartman,Really? You can?
Mephesto,"Yes, of course! I mean, that much testing will cost a pretty penny but..."
Cartman,How much?
Mephesto,Three thousand should cover it.
Cartman,I don't have $3000.
Mephesto,Oh. Never mind.
Stan,"Dude! I can't wait to win that $10,000 on America's Stupidest Home Videos. I'm gonna buy the coolest go-cart ever."
Kyle,I'm gonna buy a Walkman with my half.
Cartman,Hi guys.
Stan,"How's it going, Cartman?"
Cartman,"Oh, fine. How are you guys?"
Kyle,Dude. What the hell is wrong with you?
Cartman,Ohh. Nothing. It's just... nothing.
Stan,"Come on, what's the matter, Cartman?"
Cartman,"Well, I wanna know who my dad is, but... to find out they have to do these DNA tests, and they cost $3000 and... I don't have $3000."
Stan,"Wow. We're sorry your mom's a whore, dude."
Cartman,"Yeah, it sucks. I have to know who my father is, I just have to. Maybe I can work in a sweatshop for a while uh...  Well, see you guys. I'm gonna go stay in my backyard for a while."
Kyle,"Uuuh, Cartman. We know how you can get $3000."
Cartman,You do?
Stan,"Yyeah. We have a videotape that's in the finals for America's Stupidest Home Videos, and... if we win, we'll give you - 3000 of out $10,000 prize."
Cartman,"You will? Wow, you guys are the best! Thank you guys!"
Stan,"Uh, yyeah."
Announcer,"And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos-"
Cartman,What kind of video did you guys make?
Stan,"Uuh, you'll see."
Bob Saget,"Well, it's time to crown the $10,000 winner. Our judges have norrowed it down to only three videos-first it's... ""Dog Who Puts Hat On Master's Head."""
Falsetto,"Oh, I'm a little dog. I'm just a little dog.  Hahaha.  Hold on, I've got to put a hat on my master's head,  hehehahahuh."
Bob Saget,"And now our second finalist, ""Little Boy Has A Tea Party."""
Cartman,"Why, thank you Polly Prissy Pants. You are my best friend."
Polly,"Oh, thank you, Eric."
Bob Saget,"Boy! Looks like this kid needs some therapy! Heheheheheh, heheheh."
Stan,"We're sure to win, Cartman. Then you get your DNA money!"
Cartman,I... am... so... pissed... off... right... now.
Kyle,They laughed hardest at our video. We're gonna win!  We're gonna win!
Bob Saget,"And finally our third contestant, ""Young Child Gets Hit By A Train."""
Falsetto,"Oh, I'm such a cute little kid.  Hmmm, I wonder if I can get this go-cart started.  Oh! I hope I don't get hit by a train.  Ooooh, I sure did."
Stan,"Oh my God, they videotaped killing Kenny!"
Kyle,You bastards!
Bob Saget,"Now, that's what I call a joyride. Heeheeheeh.  And the winner is, naturally, ""Little Boy Being Hit By A Train,""  Nnnnhnnnhnnnh."
Stan,Dude. We lost.
Kyle,Dammit!
Cartman,"I am going to fucking kill you guys, seriously."
Bob Saget,"Stand up and take a bow, Mr. Marsh."
Grampa,I won! I won!
Stan,Grampa!!
Bob Saget,"Our other finalists will have to settle for their $3000 runner-up prizes-well, see you next time."
Kyle,"Did you hear that, dude? We still get $3000. That's enough for you to do your DNA test."
Cartman,Kill... you... guys! Kill you guys!!
Mephesto,"All right. From everyone's accounts, I've narrowed down Eric's possible father... to the people in this room: Officer Barbrady, Chef , Jimbo , Mr. Garrison , Ned, Chief Running Water, Gerald Broflovski , myself, my friend Kevin , or, the 1989 Denver Broncos."
Stan,"Wow. I always knew Cartman's mom was a slut, but Goddamn!"
Mephesto,The test results are in this envelope.  Shall I... open it?
Mr. Garrison,"Yes! For God's sake, get on with it!"
Mephesto,"Erhum ehrum uh  The father of Eric Cartman is indeed, someone in this room. The father is-"
Announcer,Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it - Chief Running Water?  Or is it - Chef? Is it Mephesto?  Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?
Jimbo,Nope. He's gay.
Mr. Garrison,You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Announcer,Is it Jimbo?
Jimbo,Daaagh!
Announcer,Or is Officer Barbrady?
Officer Barbrady,Huh?! Where?!
Announcer,Or could it be Ned?
Ned,Could be.
Announcer,Or Mr. Broflovski??
Kyle,"Dad, how could you?!"
Announcer,"Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks."
Cartman,What?!  Son of a bitch!
Character,Line
Announcer 1,"Since the last South Park, you've waited four long weeks to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is. Now, finally, the shocking truth about Cartman's lineage... will not be seen tonight, so that we can bring you the following special presentation."
Announcer 2,"Now, get ready for Canada's hottest action stars,  Terrance and Phillip in HBC's Movie of the Week:  Not Without My Anus. Based on a true story."
Scott,"Ladies and gentlemen, the case before you today is of a murderer. On the night in question, this monster entered the home of Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer and struck him repeatedly on the head with his hammer.  That monster is sitting right over there, and his name is Terrance!"
Phillip,"Oh, Terrance! You farted in court!"
Terrance,"Yes, Phillip. I'm making a case for our defense."
Scott,"All of these things link Terrance to the murder: hair fibers, blood samples, nail clippings, a piece of his shirt,  a watch with his initials on it, a day planner with the murder scheduled, a haiku called, Time to Kill Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer.""Dr. O'DwyerTime to have your head smashed inwith my new hammer""Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon, but you're not God! J'accuse, Terrance!"
Terrance,"Would you like a monkey claw, Phillip?"
Phillip,"Yes, please."
Terrance,That's called a monkey claw because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys!
Phillip,The monkey claw is smelly.
Judge,"Come on, get a move on. I ain't gettin' any younger up here."
Phillip,"My sentiments exactly, Your Honor. I see from your actions that you're southern Canadian."
Judge,That is correct.
Phillip,"Good people of the jury. My client, Terrance, is an innocent man."
Terrance,"Oh, Phillip, now you farted during the closing argument!"
Phillip,"I have, haven't I, Terrance?"
Scott,"Your Honor, the defense is trying to make a mockery of this court! They think that farts are funny, but they're not!"
Judge,Sustained.
Phillip,"Good people of the jury. My client, Terrance, is no more a murderer than you or me. He loves puppies and hates mean things. Would a murderer go to the zoo and feed animals like this?  Of course not. So in summation, find Terrance innocent. Or else he'll kill you.  Just kidding.  The defense rests!"
Scott,Goddammit. That isn't funny!
Judge,"Madame Foreperson, have you reached a verdict so we can get the hell outta here?!"
Madame Foreperson,"We have, Your Honor. We have found Terrance, in the above entitled action of murder against Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer--"
Judge,You're gonna have to repeat that verdict because we have some flatulence issues.
Madame Foreperson,"I said, we find--  We find Terrance--  Not guilty!"
Phillip,"Did you hear that, Terrance? You're not guilty!"
Terrance,"Oh, Phillip, you saved me from the gas chamber."
Terrance,"That sure was fun, Phillip. Let's go home and eat Kraft Dinner."
Phillip,Hear hear!
Scott,"Well, looks like you got away with it, Terrance and Phillip!"
Phillip,"Oh, hello, Scott. No hard feelings, right, old pal?"
Scott,There are hard feelings! This isn't over! I'm going ta see to it that you both pay for what you've done! And do you know why??
Phillip,'Cause you're a dick?
Scott,"No! Because I hate you! You think farting is sooo funny! Well it isn't!! Fart jokes are the lowest form of comedy, and if I--  Ugh! I hate you both! I've hated you ever since I could remember! I hate you, and I wish you both had cancer!"
Phillip,Cancer??
Scott,Yes! In the head!
Terrance,Head cancer??
Scott,"This is not the end, Terrance and Phillip. You'll rue this day!"
Terrance,"Wow, Scott really hates us, Phillip."
Phillip,"Yes, perhaps he's homophobic."
Terrance,"But we're not gay, Phillip."
Phillip,We're not?
Terrance,"Well, let us board the subway and return home. There we can eat Kraft Dinner!"
Phillip,"Yes. It's been a long day, and only Kraft dinner can calm my nerves."
Terrance,"Say, Phillip, why does Scott always try to convict me of murder? He does it every week."
Phillip,He sure does seem to hate us. I wonder what he'll try to do next.
Terrance,God only knows.
Phillip,"The subway certainly is wonderful, Terrance."
Terrance,It sure is. Let's look for treasure.
Phillip,"Yes, let's look for treasure."
Scott,Hello?
Voice,"Hello, Is this Scott, from Canada?"
Scott,"Yess, yes it is."
Voice,"You're a Journalist, right?"
Scott,Yes. I'm a television critic for a magazine.
Voice,I understand that you hate Terrance and Phillip.
Scott,"Yes! Yes I do! They think that fart jokes are a sophisticated form of comedy, but they're not!"
Voice,"Well, what about I help you get rid of them once and for all?"
Scott,Who is this?
Voice,"Let's just say that I'm someone who can help you, if you help me.  Just call me your old pal, Saddam Hussein."
Scott,Saddam Hussein?! The Iraqi dictator?
Saddam,"Eeeeeeyy, relax guy! I'm just your average Joe. Take a rest!"
Scott,What do you want?
Saddam,"You want Terrance and Phillip out of Canada, I want you to bring me and my friends into Canada. That sounds like a fair trade, doesn't it? Super! Let's get started."
Scott,I'm not sure I should trust you.
Saddam,"Eeeeeeyy, relax guy! Trust me!"
Terrance,"Well. It's too bad we didn't find any treasure on the subway, Phillip."
Phillip,"Oh. Hello, Ugly Bob."
Ugly Bob,"Hello, Terrance. Hello, Phillip."
Terrance,"My God, you're looking hideously ugly today, Ugly Bob."
Ugly Bob,How can you guys say stuff like that?
Terrance,"Because you're God-damned ugly, Bob."
Ugly Bob,"I know, but--"
Phillip,"Ugly Bob, your face looks like somebody tried to put out a forest fire with a screwdriver."
Ugly Bob,"I can't help how I look. Besides, it's not what on the outside that matters, it's what's on the inside."
Terrance,No it isn't.  Wanna see what's on the inside of me?
Phillip,"Wait wait. I've got an idea. Why don't you put this paper bag over your head, Ugly Bob?"
Terrance,"Yes.  If people can't see your face, they won't know how wretchedly ugly you are."
Ugly Bob,"Really? Hey, thanks, you guys. Maybe now I can score with chicks."
Terrance,"Sure you can, Ugly Bob. If they can't see how horribly disfigured you are, they'll want to sleep with you."
Ugly Bob,"Thanks, you guys."
Phillip,Hello Barky. Hello Purry.
Barky,"Bark, bark."
Purry,"Purr, purr."
Phillip,"Say Terrance, I was just aboat to make some Kraft Dinner. Would you like some?"
Terrance,"You know I never turn down Kroff Dinner, Phillip.  I'm going to put on a pirate costume."
Delivery Man,Special delivery for Terrance.
Phillip,I'll take that.
Delivery Man,"Sign here, and here, and here, and here, and here.  And here."
Phillip,"Ooh, Terrannce!  You got a letterr!"
Terrance,"Shiver me timbers, Phillip! At this rate I'll never get to my Kraft Dinner!  Oh my God!"
Phillip,"What is it, Terrance? Did you fart?"
Terrance,No! It's Sally. She's being held captive in Iran.
Phillip,"Not Sally! Dear God, no, Terrance! Why Sally?! God, why?! Say, Terrance, who's Sally?"
Terrance,My daughter.
Phillip,"I never know you had a daughter, Terrance."
Terrance,"Oh, yes. Didn't I mention that, me hearty?"
Phillip,"Nno, you never did, Terrance."
Terrance,Oh. Well. It all began fif-teen years ago.
Phillip,"My God, what a fascinating story, Terrance. Especially the part aboot Celine Dion."
Terrance,"Yes, indeed.  But now my little Sally is being held captive in Iran.  And I will have to go and find her."
Phillip,"Then I'll go with you, Terrance."
Terrance,"You're such a good friend, Phillip."
Phillip,"Well, you know what they say: A friend in need is a friend with Kraft Dinner."
Terrance,"Avast there, mateys!"
Terrance,"Hello, Celine Dion."
Celine Dion,Terrance! This is quite a surprise!
Terrance,You're looking well.
Celine Dion,And you.
Terrance,"Celine, where is our daughter, Sally?"
Celine Dion,"She's in the Middle East, studying anthropology. Why?"
Terrance,"Wrong! She's been taken hostage, and is now being held prisoner."
Celine Dion,What?!
Terrance,"Phillip and I are going to Iran to find her, but we may never return."
Celine Dion,"Oh, Terrance. What happened to us?"
Terrance,"We just grew apart, Celine Dion."
Celine Dion,"Please, bring our daughter home safe, Terrance."
Phillip,"Hello, Ugly Bob."
Ugly Bob,"Hi, guys."
Terrance,How's the paper bag working out?
Ugly Bob,People seem to really like it. I even have a date this Friday.
Terrance,"Terrific! We need two tickets for Tehran, please."
Ugly Bob,Tehran is dangerous. You guys shouldn't go there!
Phillip,"Dammit man!  Danger or no, I'm going to help my friend find his daughter!!"
Ugly Bob,"All right, then. There's a flight leaving today."
Phillip,"Oh good. Well, I certainly am going to miss Canada, Terrance."
Terrance,"In-deed, Phillip."
Phillip,"Terrance, if I die whilst in Iran, please bring my body back to Canada, and bury me in a box with a side of Kraft Dinner."
Terrance,"Same here, Phillip!"
Phillip,O Ca-nadaOur home and native land
Terrance/Phillip,True patriot loveIn all thy sons' command
Small Group,With glowing hearts we see thee rise
Middling Group,"The True North, strong and free"
Larger Group,"From far and wide, O CanadaWe stand on guard for thee"
Crowd,God keep our land...
Scott,"Scott to Red Dragon, come in, Red Dragon."
Saddam,"Go ahead, guy. This is Red Dragon."
Scott,The plan is working perfectly. Terrance and Phillip have taken the bait.
Saddam,Excellent! My buddies and I are ready to come to Canada. Has everything been arranged?
Scott,Yes. Everything's proceeding according to plan. Now you promised that when Terrance and Phillip arrive they'll be ripped into pieces and shot several times.
Saddam,"Hey, relax, guy. I'm gonna keep my side of the bargain."
Scott,"Roger, Red Dragon. Scott out.  I've got you now, you fart-lovin' fart-lovers."
Terrance,I Got Ya.
Phillip,Burned your face.
Terrance,"Ow, that's rancid! hahahahaha."
Terrance,"Oh, Phillip. How will we ever find my fugitive daughter in this daunting place? We don't speak the language, we are unwelcome strangers, and we have no idea where to begin."
Phillip,"Oh, look. There she is. ."
Terrance,"Oh, good."
Sally,Goo. Where?
Terrance,"I'm here, Sally. It's your father, Terrance.  I'm here to save you from your smelly Arabian captors."
Sally,Pa-pa.
Phillip,"Say, she looks a lot more like Celine Dion than you, Terrance.  Oooh, now I see the resemblance!"
Terrance,"Well, enough of Iran, let's get home."
Terrance,"Well, now that I have my bastard daughter back, I feel like going to Celine Dion's house and asking her to marry me again."
Phillip,"Oh, raspberries, looks like I'm losing a friend."
Terrance,"No, you're gaining a pop vocalist."
Phillip,Oh my God!  What is this?!  Is this Canada?
Terrance,It seems to have changed.
Phillip,This is madness!
Terrance,"What's going on, Phillip? How can Canada have changed so much whilst we were gone?"
Phillip,"I don't know, Terrance. And who is that smelly person in all these pictures?"
Terrance,I must take my bastard daughter back to Celine Dion and see what she has to say.
Terrance,"Celine, I brought our daughter Sally back, and I want to tell you that--"
Celine Dion,"Terrance, ha, could you come back a little later?"
Terrance,Why?!
Celine Dion,"Ah, I'm just a little busy right now."
Terrance,"You've got a man over, don't you, Celine Dion?!"
Celine Dion,"Well, I..."
Ugly Bob,Hi guys.
Phillip,"Oh my God, it's Ugly Bob!!"
Terrance,What the hell are you doing here?!
Ugly Bob,I'm doing Celine Dion; what's it look like?
Terrance,"Oh, Celine Dion, what have you done? I was going to make us a family again, but now you've slept with Ugly Bob!"
Celine Dion,"What do you mean? Why are you calling him ""Ugly Bob""?"
Phillip,"Because that's his name, you stupid bitch!"
Celine Dion,You told me your name was Handsome Bob!!
Terrance,"Look at him, Celine Dion!"
Celine Dion,Aaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhh!!!
Phillip,Behold his horrible face!
Celine Dion,"Oh my God, he's hideously ugly! And I am pregnant with his child!"
Terrance,What?! Nooooooooooooooooo!!
Celine Dion,I'm going to have a freak baby!!
Phillip,"Ohh, the humanity!!"
Scott,"Hey, Saddam. You helped me get rid of Terrance and Phillip, and I appreciate that, but why are framed pictures of you going up all over Canada?"
Saddam,"Huh? Oh that? Don't worry, guy, you just need a rest."
Scott,...No I don't need a rest!! I want to know what this is all aboot!
Saddam,"Hey, relax, fella. I'm just making it so that Terrance and Phillip can never come back to Canada again. I just need a couple of days, and then I'm gonna head back to Iran."
Scott,I thought you were from Iraq.
Saddam,"Iran, Iraq, what the hell's the difference? Relax, guy!"
Terrance,"Phillip, I'm convinced that something very very not good is happening to Canada."
Phillip,Yes. I agree whole-fartedly.
Scott,"Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here?"
Terrance,"Oh, hello, Scott."
Scott,"You're not supposed to be here, you're supposed to be in Iran looking for your kidnapped--  Ah, I mean, how are you guys today?"
Phillip,"Wait, what were you saying?"
Scott,"Nothing, why?"
Terrance,"Hey, Scott. Guess what?"
Scott,"What?  Aargh! I hate you more than ever, Terrance and Phillip! I absolutely abhor you both!"
Phillip,"What are you doing, Scott?"
Scott,I'm wishing cancer upon you.
Phillip,Cancer?!!
Scott,That's right. I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind.
Terrance,"Ooh, stop that!"
Phillip,"Hey, don't give me cancer!"
U.S. Army Official,"Mr. Hussein, the U.S. Government is becoming worried."
Saddam,"Worried? Aboot what? Take a load off, relax!"
U.S. Army Official,You seem to be... taking over Canada.
Saddam,"Taking over Canada? Me? Eeeyy, you need a rest, fella. I'm not hiding any bombs."
U.S. Army Official,We didn't say anything about bombs.
Saddam,"Oh. You didn't? Heeyy, relax!"
U.S. Army Official,"We're giving you just three years to clear your forces out of Canada, and after that, we're gonna bomb all of Iran."
Saddam,I'm from Iraq.
U.S. Army Official,"Iran, Iraq, what's the difference?"
Guard on Right,"Euugh. I hate Americans. Please, let me kill them!"
Saddam,"No, no. You need to relax, guy. Remember the plan: first we take over Canada, then we'll have to go after the female pop vocalist. After that, we'll take over the U.S., then Europe, then China, then Newfoundland, then the world!"
Scott,What's so funny!
Saddam,"Nothing! Relax, brother."
Scott,"Saddam, Terrance and Phillip are back in Canada!"
Saddam,"Oh, really?"
Scott,You promised me they'd be gone for good! That was your part of the bargain!
Saddam,I changed my mind!  Pray that I don't change it any further!
Scott,This deal's getting worse all the time.
Phillip,"Hey, Terrance, let's watch American television."
Terrance,Yes. We can get satellite feed from the U.S. and watch all their stupid T.V. shows.
Phillip,Oh look. Here's a show.
Woman 1,...well fuck you.
Woman 2,Arrrggghh!
Springer,And this is what life would be like...
Terrance,It's so stupid!
Phillip,"Goddamn, their TV shows are lame!"
Mephesto,"The father of Eric Cartman is indeed, someone in this room. The father is--"
Phillip,Look at their silly American heads.
Terrance,They look like groundhogs.
Cartman,He's my father?!
Anchor,"And in other news it appears that Saddam Hussein has finally signed an agreement to let the U.S. inspect his military operations. When asked if he would uphold his side of the agreement, Hussein replied, quote: ""Hey, relax, fella. You need a rest, guy."""
Terrance,"Hey, Phillip. Isn't that the smelly gentleman we've seen in pictures all over town?"
Phillip,"Yes it is, Terrance. According to that newsie, he's some kind of Turkish dictator."
Terrance,"Well, we just can't sit here and eat Kraft Dinner and let Canada be overrun by the Turks!"
Phillip,"That fart sounded like a ringing phone, Terrance."
Terrance,"It sure did, Phillip.  Oh, wait. That is the phone.  Hello?"
Scott,"Terrance, this is Scott."
Terrance,"Oh.  Hey, it's Scott."
Phillip,Tell him he's a smelly bastard.
Terrance,"Phillip says hello, Scott."
Scott,"Just shut up and listen. You've unleashed a monster onto Canada! And only you can get rid of him, even though I hate you, and I wish you had cancer."
Terrance,"You are such a dick, Scott."
Scott,You're a dick.
Terrance,You're a dick.
Scott,You're a dick.
Terrance,You're a dick.
Scott,You're a dick.
Terrance,You're a dick.
Scott,You're a dick.
Terrance,You're a dick.
Scott,The two of you are the most annoying dicks in Canada! You give other Canadians a bad name! And if I had my hair-
Terrance,"I'm sorry, Scott. Could you hold on a minute?"
Scott,Sure.
Terrance,"How do you like that, Scott?!"
Scott,You son of a bitch! I'll get you if it's the last thin--
Terrance,"Oh wait, I have another call on, Scott. Can you hold on?"
Scott,Sure.
Terrance,"Oh, that was Sir Smelly. He says 'hello.'"
Scott,Goddammit!
Terrance,"Oh, wait a second, Scott."
Scott,"Sure.  I mean, no! You listen to me! If you want to save Canada, you'll meet me at Karl's Kroff Dinner Restaurant in half an hour!"
Celine Dion,"Oh, Ugly Bob, I'm so confused. I love your personality, but you are so wretchedly ugly."
Ugly Bob,Maybe the baby will have your face instead of mine.
Celine Dion,We can only hope. I suppose we'll be okay as long as you keep that bag on your head.  What's this?!
Saddam,"He-yy there. I'm Saddam Hussein. I'm a big fan of Polo. I've been searching a long time for you, Celine Dion."
Ugly Bob,"Oh no, you don't. She's my bitch."
Saddam,Eh! Who are you?
Ugly Bob,"I'm Bob. But my friends call me Ugly Bob, because I have the features of a deformed burn victim."
Saddam,"Really? I thought all Canadians looked alike. Let me see.  Well, I'm sorry, guy. You know, I could cure that face of yours."
Ugly Bob,You can?
Saddam,Sure! I just need a favor. There is a Canadian football game tomorrow: the Ottawa Roughriders vs. the Vancouver Roughriders. It is at that game that I will officially turn the Canadian flag over to my Iranian one.
Celine Dion,What?! Why?!
Saddam,"Hey! Don't worry about that. Take a load off, don't worry about it! Look over here! ...All I need is for Celine Dion to sing our Iranian national anthem at the game - to finalize my hostile takeover of Canada. What do you say?"
Ugly Bob,"Did you say, ""hostile takeover of Canada""?"
Saddam,"No, no, relax there, fella!"
Terrance,"Well, Scott said to meet him here, but he's not showing up!"
Phillip,"Well, while we're waiting, why don't we search for treasure?"
Terrance,Oh. Good idea. Let's search for treasure.
Scott,What are you idiots doing?!
Terrance,We're looking for treasure!
Scott,Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of search that can't be described?
Phillip,"No, we're searching for treasure."
Scott,Listen. I have an inside scoop. There's an Iraqi dictotor who is quietly and slowly taking over Canada.
Terrance,Yes. You mean Saddam Smelly. We saw him on the telly.
Scott,"Well, what are you two gonna do aboat it?"
Phillip,What do you mean?
Scott,It's your fault that he's here! You brought the Iraqis back with you on your plane when you rescued your kidnapped daughter!
Phillip,"You mean, we are to blame?!"
Scott,"That's right. And now you must make amends. Tomorrow, Saddam will try to finalize his takeover of Canada, at the Roughriders-Roughriders football game. It will be your only shot at wiping them all out. Here, take this."
Phillip,What is this?
Scott,"It's a bomb.  You must strap it to yourselves, go to the game, and sacrifice your lives to take out Saddam's minions."
Terrance,That plan's scary!
Scott,"Well, you must do it for Canada."
Phillip,"For Canada, Terrance."
Terrance,"For Canada, Phillip."
Scott,"Yes, Terrance and Phillip. And when the dust is settled, Canada will be rid of both: the Iraqis and your immature fart humor."
Terrance,"Well. Phillip, I am very sad that we have to die for Canada."
Phillip,Yes. This bomb will blow us both to smithereens. But we really have no choice. Only our deaths can bring Canada life.
Terrance,That's funny!
Phillip,Hey! Wait a minute. That fart gives me pause.
Terrance,Why is that?
Phillip,"That smelly Saddam Hussein. He uses germ and chemical warfare, does he not?"
Terrance,"Yes. Apparently, he does."
Phillip,Terrance! Get the phone book! We must call every Canadian we can!
Terrance,"Oh, Phillip. It sounds like you have an idea."
Phillip,"I do, Terrance."
Announcer,"And the Roughriders are giving the Roughriders a run for their money!  All else aside, I must say that the Roughriders  are simply outmatched by these Roughriders  And that's going to take us to halftime. Be sure to stick around for the halftime show: Saddam and the Electric Iraqis in a salute to hostile takeovers!"
Terrance,"Well, I guess it's time, old friend."
Phillip,Yes. Prepare the alert!
Saddam,"Hello to my Canadian friends. Everybody relax. Take a rest. Lift your feet up. Those Dogs Are Barking.  You may have noticed some changes to your country. Don't worry about that, the changes will continue. I'm here to announce once and for all that Canada will now be known as New Baghdad! Qoloh Qalah!  You will bow down to me as your ruler! You will obey my laws or you will be killed!!  And now you will sing the Iraqi national anthem!  Or you will be stabbed in the head!"
Celine Dion,Shtud balaa shtud inca inca brusht...
Terrance,"Now, Phlllip?"
Phlllip,"Now, Terrance."
Saddam,Hey!! What the hell is this?!
Celine,Freh kashu kaliakaliakatchut...
Guard,They're using chemical warfare! How could they?!
Terrance,"We did it, Phillip! We destroyed the Turks!"
Phillip,"Oh, Glorious Day!"
Celine Dion,"Phillip, Terrance! You've saved Canada!"
Terrance,"Ooh, it was all Phillip's idea."
Ugly Bob,"God bless you, Phillip."
Phillip,"Don't touch me, Ugly Bob!"
Scott,Hey! What the hell happened! You were supposed to be blown up!
Phillip,"We came up with a better plan. You see, Scott, after all your criticism, it was farting that saved Canada!"
Scott,Oh! That is so juvenile!
Terrance,"Hey, Scott, you like apples?"
Scott,Of course!
Terrance,How do you like them apples?
Scott,"I hate you, Terrance and Phillip!!!"
Terrance,Oh Celine Dion. You never finished that national anthem.
Celine Dion,"You're right, Terrance. You're right.  O Canada, our home and native land"
"Celine, Terrance, Bob, Phillip, and people on the field",True patriot love in all thy sons command
Crowd,"With glowing hearts we see thee rise, the True North, strong and free"
Crowd outside,"From far and wide, O Canada, we stand on guard for theeGod keep our land glorious and freeOh, Canada we stand on guard for theeOh, Canada we stand on guard for thee"
Announcer 1,"Who is Eric Cartman's father? Find out on an all new South Park, in just a few weeks."
Announcer 2,"Previously, on South Park: an air of sobriety fills the laboratory as the men of South Park gather to find out which one of them fathered this boy."
Announcer 1,"Who is Eric Cartman's father? At the end of this episode, you will know the answer."
Mephesto,"And now, to continue, the father is indeed someone in this room."
Cartman,"Man, this feels like the longest minute of my life."
Stan,"Oooh- hey, Kenny."
Mephesto,"Gentlemen, the father is..."
Mr. Garrison,"Hey, what the hell's going on?"
Jimbo,It's a power outage!
Chef,Is everybody okay? That sounded like a gunshot!
Officer Barbrady,"Oh my God, look!"
Kenny,"(Oh my God, they killed Mephesto!)"
Kyle,You bastards!
Mr. Garrison,Mephesto's been shot.
Chef,Is he ...dead?
Jimbo,"Hey! This window is shot out, too! That means the killer was not someone in this room!"
Mr. Garrison,Then who was it?
Announcer 1,Who shot Mephesto? Was it the school counselor? Or was it Ms. Crabtree? Or was it--
Cartman,Ey! Wait a minute! I didn't find out who my father was!
Announcer 1,Or was it Sheila Broflovski?
Chef,Waait!  He's still breathin'! He's not dead.
Cartman,Goddammit! Who's my father?
Chef,We've got to get him to the hospital.
Cartman,You've got to be kidding me!
Chef,"Come on, children!"
Cartman,Eeeehh..!
Gerald Broflovski,"Oh, that poor kid. It must be hell for him going through all this."
Jimbo,There's a murderer free in South Park. We have to find out who it is before they kill again.
Mr. Garrison,Yeah. God only knows who they'll kill next.
Announcer 1,Who will they kill next? Will it be Jimbo? Barbrady? The Denver Broncos?
Cartman,Is he awake yet?
Kyle,He's bleeding pretty bad back here.
Chef,Don't let him bleed on my Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel.
Kyle,What's a Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel?
Chef,I actually was with Meredith Baxter-Birney in this very car. And afterwards we used that towel to...  Wait a minute. Why am I telling you this?
Stan,Could you pull over so I can get out?
Chef,What? We have to get to the hospital.
Stan,I have to get out first. I'm not gonna make it; I can't stand hospitals.
Chef,"Sorry, Stan. We just gotta drop Mephesto off and then we can get outta there, alright?"
Kyle,"Man, it's really starting to snow.  I hope they don't close the roads."
Cartman,They can't. Mephesto can't die.
Kyle,"Maybe it's better you don't know who your father is, Cartman."
Cartman,"No way, dude! I can't stand to leave things unfinished. It's like when you hear the first part of that song, ""Come Sail Away"", by Styx. If I hear the first part of that song, I have to finish it."
Kyle,Really?
Cartman,"Yeah, du-I can't do anything until it's done."
Kyle,I'm sailing away
Cartman,No! Don't!
Kyle,Set an open course for the virgin sea...
Cartman,"Eh-- For I've got to be freeFree to face the life that's ahead of meOn board I'm the captain, so climb aboardWe'll search for tomorrow, on every shoreAnd I'll try, oh lord, I'll try to carry onMaymaynemay Maymaynemay Maymaynemay MaymaynemayA gathering of angels appeared above my headThey sang to us this song of hopeAnd this is what they saidCome sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me... ladsCome sail away, come sail away, come sail away with meI thought that they were angels, but to my surpriseWe climbed about their starship and headed for the skiesCome sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me... ladsCome sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me... lads"
Kyle,"Whoa, dude!"
Jimbo,"What are we gonna do, Mayor? This killer is on the loose!"
Sheila,We can't even leave our homes for fear of our children's safety.
Sharon,Uh... Where are our children?
Mayor,"Officer Barbrady, let's pretend for one second that we had a competent law enforcer in this town: what would he do?"
Officer Barbrady,"Hmmm... That's a good question, Mayor. Let me get right on that with thinking."
Greenfield,Mayor! Mayor!
Mayor,The press is here.
Greenfield,My name is Sid Greenfield. I'm the director from Los Angeles for America's Most Wanted.
Mayor,Youuu certainly made it up here quickly.
Greenfield,We're desperate for stories.  A-and this one is so compelling.
Mayor,Really??
Greenfield,Sure. This story has everything. People. Furniture. Talking-ih it's a real American story.
Officer Barbrady,"Hey, I thought of something.  Uh... no, wait, that's subtraction."
Mayor,"Mr. Director person, what exactly do you want to do?"
Jimbo,"Mayor, shouldn't we be focusi--"
Mayor,Shh.
Greenfield,"We just want to do a recreation of the story for our show. Then we'll flash a number on the screen that people can call if they have any information regarding the identity or location of the shooter. That's it. You win, we win, America wins."
Mayor,Are you sure this wouldn't make our little town look dangerous?
Greenfield,"Don't worry, Mayor. America's Most Wanted is not about violence, it's about family."
Cameraman,It is?
Mayor,"Weelll, in that case, I guess it's okay!"
Greenfield,Great! We'll get started with auditions immediately. What part should we cast first?
Announcer 1,Who will the director cast first? Will it be Mr. Garrison? Officer Barbrady? Chef?
Liane,I want to have... an abortion.
Receptionist,"Uoh well, we can do that. This must be a very difficult time for you, Mrs..."
Liane,"Cartman. Yesuh- it's such a hard decision, but I just don't feel I can raise a child in this screwy world."
Receptionist,"Yes, Ms. Cartman. If you don't feel fit to raise a child, then abortion probably is the answer. Do you know the actual time of conception?"
Liane,About eight years ago.
Receptionist,"...I sseee, so the fetus is..."
Liane,Eight years old.
Receptionist,"Ms. Cartman, uh- eight years old is a little late to be considering abortion."
Liane,Really?
Receptionist,"Yes, this is what we would refer to as the ""fortieth trimester""."
Liane,But I just don't think I'm a fit mother.
Receptionist,"Wuh... But we prefer to abort babies a little- ...earlier on; in fact, there's a law against abortions after the second trimester."
Liane,"Well, I think you need to keep your laws off of my body."
Receptionist,"Hmmmmm. Tsk, I'm afraid I can't help you, Ms. Cartman. If you want to change the law, you'll have to speak with your congressman."
Liane,"Well, that's exactly what I intend to do. Good day!"
Chef,"Come on, children! We've gotta find a doctor!"
Stan,"Ugh. I can't do it, dude."
Kyle,"Come on, Stan. Hospitals aren't all that bad."
Cartman,"Yeah, stop being a wuss!"
Chef,Doctor!
Dr. Doctor,"One moment, please. Nurse, I need 20 cc's of sodium pentathol, stat!"
Kyle,"Whoa, dude! She doesn't have any arms!"
Dr. Doctor,"We're an equal-opportunity employer here, son."
Chef,Doctor! We've got a shot cracker outside!
Dr. Doctor,"I'll be right with you, right after I inject this man with a long needle."
Stan,Oh man.  I'm gonna be sick.
Dr. Doctor,"There there, young man. Medical science is nothing to be afraid of."
Stan,Oogh.
Nurse,"Ooooo, I think you're hitting the bone."
Stan,Ooooogh.
Dr. Doctor,"Yes. I can hear the needle scraping against the bone inside.  Oops, he's hemorrhaging."
Stan,Aghh!
Dr. Doctor,Ooo! His head fell off.
Stan,I'm gotta get outta here!
Kyle,Stan!
Dr. Doctor,"Ugh, some people just have a weak stomach."
Mephesto Tryout,"And the father of Eric Cartman is... Bang! Oh, Jiminy! I've been shot!"
Greenfield,"Oh, thank you very much. We'll get back to you.  I think I've seen enough genetic engineers. Let's move on to the auditions for the part of Misteruhh Garrison."
Assistant,Call the Mr. Garrison auditions!
Garrison 1,"Boy, I sure hope I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat."
Mr. Hat 1,"You can say that again, Mr. Garrison!"
Greenfield,"Alright, not bad. Let's keep him on the top pile. Next!"
Mr. Garrison,"I sure hope that I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat."
Mr. Hat,"You can say that again, Mr. Garrison!"
Greenfield,Thank you! Next!
Mr. Garrison,What?
Greenfield,Next!
Garrison 2,"I sure hope that I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat."
Mr. Hat 2,"You can say that again, Mr. Garrison."
Greenfield,Perfect! You got it! Let's move on to the Chefs!
Liane,"...And so you see, Congressman O'Reilly, that's why I think abortion laws should be changed."
O'Reilly,"Well, all I know is that third-trimester abortions are illegal. I don't really know anything about 40th."
Liane,But the person at Unplanned Parenthood said you were who I had to talk to about changing the law.
O'Reilly,"No- No, I think youah gotta talk to the governor about that stuff."
Liane,"Oh, dear."
Dr. Doctor,"Well, this is about all I can do for him."
Cartman,Can't you get him to talk? I have to know who my father is.
Dr. Doctor,"Sorry, son, it might be a while."
Cartman,"Wake up, you son of a bitch!"
Chef,Whoa!
Dr. Doctor,"Now, son, that's not's gonna do him any good. I'll let you know if there's a change in his condition."
Cartman,I can't wait anymore. What am I supposed to do?
Kyle,"Hey, Cartman."
Cartman,What?
Kyle,I'm sailing ay...
Cartman,"--way; Set an open course for the virgin seaFor I've got to be free, free to face the life that's ahead of meOn board I'm the captain, so climb aboard..."
Stan,"Okay okay, let's get outta here now!"
Kyle,I don't know if that's gonna be too easy.
Dr. Doctor,"My God, that's a hell of a storm."
Stan,"Oh, weak."
Cartman,"...Some happy, some sad; I think of childhood friends and the dreams we hadWe lived happily forever, so the--"
Greenfield,"God, I hate mountains.  This better not push back our shooting schedule.  Okay, people, let's rehearse the reenactment from the top before we shoot it.  Who's that?"
Assistant,"Oh, that's TV's Eric Roberts. We were able to ge him to play the part of the little monkey guy."
Greenfield,"Whoa. Talk about ""all washed-up"", huh? Great to have you, Eric!  Here we go, aaand action."
Mephesto Actor,I want to announce who the father is.
Greenfield,Bang!!
Mephesto Actor,"Oh, I've been shot!"
Barbrady Actor,Nobody move! I'm a law officer!
Chef Actor,"My God, I think he's gone into cardiac arrest!"
Mephesto Actor,Whoaw..!
Barbrady Actor,"You seem somewhat unnerved by this, Chef."
Chef Actor,"Are you accusing me, Barbrady? Because if you are accusing me, don't hide behind your clever riddles!"
Barbrady Actor,"Our differences must be set aside for now, Mr. Chef. I'm simply a man, a man trying to do my job."
Barbrady,"Whoa, this is a good movie!"
Cartman,"Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me... ladsCome sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me-hee"
Stan,"Ohh. Dude, when can we get out of here?"
Blonde,"Doctor, I can't focus!"
Dr. Doctor,"We're doing the best we can, ma'am. They've closed the pass and none of the other doctors can get through. For now, it's just me, and Nurse Goodly."
Chef,Wait a second. They've closed the pass??
Dr. Doctor,"Yes, I'm afraid we're critically understaffed. Unless we get help soon, all these people in here are completely fucked.  Metaphorically speaking, that is."
Cartman,What about Mephesto? Are you taking care of him?
Dr. Doctor,"He's on full life-support and breathing fine. He shouldn't need any help - so long as the power doesn't go out.  Oof. Who didn't see that coming a mile away, huh?"
Voice-over,"Tonight, on America's Most Wanted, a shooter is on the loose in Colorado, and its residents are up in arms! Here's your hose, John Walsh."
John Walsh,"Good evening and welcome to America's Most Wanted. Tonight: terror invaded the small mountain community of South Park, Colorado, when Dr. Alphonse Mephesto  was gunned down in his laboratory. America's Most Wanted has reconstructued this heinous crime  in hopes that your calls could help solve the case."
Mephesto Actor,I've been shot!
Garrison Actor,"My God, Mr. Hat! Get some help!"
Mr. Hat Actor (!),"Right away, Mr. Garrison."
Eric Roberts (as Kevin!),"No, no! My lifetime partner and friend, gone, taken away in the wink of an eye. O, Fortune, why do you mock me?"
Greenfield,What the--? Bu-eh. Eric Roberts is improvising lines again!
Chef Actor,I'm going to get the man to a hospital. Who will help me?
Eric Roberts,This is not a world I want to live in! Doesn't anyone want--
Greenfield,God-dammit!  What the hell is this?!
Cameraman,We've lost the feed to L.A.
John Walsh,"Uuuhm... We-we seem to have lost our linkup to the South Park crew, sso I guess we'll be going to our featured movie, Who Framed Roger Rabbit."
Announcer 1,Who framed Roger Rabbit? Was it Jimbo? Mr. Garrison? Chef?
Greenfield,Somebody go see why we lost the hookup!
Jimbo,"Holy smokes, that blizzard is getting crazy!"
Nurse Goodly,"Don't panic, anybody. The power lines are down, but the backup generator is running just fine."
Dr. Doctor,"Nurse, I could use some help in here!"
Goodly,Coming!
Cartman,Lady-m? Is Mephesto gonna be okay?
Goodly,"Yes, for now. But I'm afraid the generator won't run for long. The batteries run out in half an hour. Time is very short."
Dr. Doctor,"Nurse, please! I need another pair of hands in here!  Oh, sorry."
Liane,"Don't you see, Governor? I should have a right to have an abortion if I want one."
Governor,"Mmaarr. I don't know-uh, I might need some more convincing, hm-hm-hm."
Liane,"I mean, what right do I have bringing another child into this overpopulated world? Then again, I should've thought of that before having sex. then againuh-- Oh, I just don't know..."
Dr. Doctor,"Please, Mr. Chef. I've over 100 people to attend to an-and only myself and Nurse Goodly."
Chef,What do you want me to do?
Dr. Doctor,Do you know anything about surgery?
Chef,I used to watch Quincy.
Dr. Doctor,"What?! Why the hell didn't you say so? Put on some scrubs! Boys, I'm making you all honorary doctors. You can help us save these people's lives."
Stan,"No way, dude!"
Jimbo,"Well,  we're not going anywhere for a loong time."
Greenfield,We're snowed in?
Mayor,Yes. We're trapped!
Garrison,Like sailors on a submarine.
Mayor,"My God, this is the worst storm I've ever seen."
Assistant,"Oh I have to get out of here, I haven't eaten since breakfast."
Barbrady,"Yeah, I'm gettin' hungry, too."
Jimbo,I hope you all realize what we might be facing here.  Our only option might be to... eat each other to stay alive.
Greenfield,"Uuuhh, it's only been like, four hours. Aren't you resorting to cannibalism a little quickly?"
Jimbo,"That's a lot of lead, Mr. Director. I don't eat pretty, but if a few of us must die so the rest can stay alive, so be it."
Mayor,"Buut, how do we decide ""who""?"
Jimbo,"Well, we draw straws."
Greenfield,"Now, wait a minute. We all had a big breakfast: can't you people go without eating for a little while?"
Jimbo,"Calm down, soldier! We need every person here to keep his head! Barbrady, fetch some straws."
Greenfield,Well- who the hell made you the boss anyway?
Announcer 1,Who the hell made Jimbo boss? Was it Barbrady? Chef? Mr. Gar--
Dr. Doctor,"Miles' appendix has burst. I have no choice but to operate now with our limited power. I need you all to be strong for me.  Nurse Goodly will take care of the anesthesia. Chef, you act as her arms.  Boys, you have to help with suction and bandages. Ready?"
Stan,No.
Dr. Doctor,"Okay. First, I'll make an incision on the chest, over the heart."
Stan,Oh boy.  Bleech!
Kyle,Duhuhude! You barfed into the incision!
Cartman,Sweet.
Dr. Doctor,Suction!
Cartman,"Hey, who's screwing with the lights?"
Announcer 1,Who is screwing with the lights? Is it Barbrady? Or Jimbo? Or the 1991 Denver Broncos?
Cartman,That is really starting to piss me off.
Jimbo,"Alright. So far, everybody has a long piece of straw. We'll keep drawing.  Whew."
Garrison,Whew.
Barbrady,Wooo!
Jimbo,Wait a minute! Where the hell is the short one?
Barbrady,The short what?
Jimbo,"Dammit, Barbrady! When you draw straws, you're supposed to have one of them short! That's how you decide who loses!"
Barbrady,That's not how I played it!
Garrison,"Uuugh, could we hurry this up? My stomach is growling."
Dr. Doctor,"I found a map that shows the location of a backup generator. Apparently, they built a large self-sustaining generator- for just this kind of emergency. But it's out and away from the hospital."
Chef,So how do we get to it?
Dr. Doctor,"We must split up into two teams: Team A, and Team B. Team A will consist of myself, Stan, Kyle, Eric, Chef, and Nurse Goodly. Team B will consist of Kenny.  Now, listen closely, Team B. Your goal will be to turn on the backup generator. To do this you must brave the storm outside and get into this sewage duct.  Meanwhile, Team A will go to the holding area, here  where there is a television, and some cocoa. We will drink the cocoa and watch family programming until Team B makes it through the sewage duct. By that time, Team B- remember, that's you, Kenny- should reach the outer core of the generator. It will be a cold and dangerous climb to the top, and there could be velociraptors- here.  Once you reach the top, you should be able to get a clear view from this windows of us drinking cocoa and watching television. Then, you could proceed down into the generator, and power it on. Are there any questions?"
Cartman,"Nnoh, that sounds pretty sweet to me."
Dr. Doctor,"Great, then, let's do it. Go, Team!"
Kenny,(Huh?)
Garrison,I... can't... go on... eh. So... hungry...
Mayor,We're all going to die in this horrible place.
Jimbo,We have to have the energy to make it through the night. We have to eat.
Greenfield,How can we? How could we live with ourselves?
Jimbo,There's only one answer: eat Eric Roberts.
Mayor,"Yes, of course. Nobody gives a shit about Eric Roberts."
Garrison,Eat Eric Roberts!
Eric Roberts,"No! No, please!"
Mayor,"Well, there's no going back now.  We're cannibals.  God save us."
Jimbo,"God wants you to live, Mayor. Fight!"
Assistant,"Well I have to admit, Eric Roberts was much juicier than I expected."
Greenfield,Aaww.
Garrison,"This snow just isn't letting up. We're gonna die here, I know it."
Jimbo,"What time is it, Barbrady?"
Barbrady,It's almost midnight.
Garrison,Oh! I can't... go on.
Jimbo,"We'll give the storm another hour. After that, we might have to eat again."
Greenfield,"What? Christ, are you people diabetic or something?"
Dr. Doctor,"Team B? Come in, Team B."
Kenny,(This is Team B.)
Dr. Doctor,"Listen, Team B. We've found another path to the generator. There's actually a nice heated walkway to it, so you don't need to walk through all that sewage."
Kenny,(Are you fuckin' telling me that I could've fuckin' gone that way?!)
Dr. Doctor,"Oh... Well, forget I said that, then. Listen, Team B, you should be seeing a large drift of snow with some metal sticking out of it just to your left."
Kenny,(Yup! I see it in the drift.)
Dr. Doctor,Good. Head towards it. Team A out.
Cartman,"What if Mephesto never wakes up, and I never find out who my father is?"
Mayor,"My God, what a harrowing tale of human drama this is. All of us doing what we must to survive."
Jimbo,"It is amazing what people can do under stress. Just look at the pyramids. Nobody knows how they built those, or who."
Announcer 1,Who built the pyramids? Was it the Babylonians? Officer Barbrady? Samaritans?
Kenny,"(Okay, I've reached the generator)"
Dr. Doctor,"Roger, Team B.  He's reached the backup generator.  Team B, can you see the two copper nodes?"
Kenny,(Roger.)
Dr. Doctor,"Good. Now, is there a wire connecting them?"
Kenny,(Negative.)
Dr. Doctor,"Damn! The wire connecting the nodes is gone! We need to complete the circuit between them, or we're screwed."
Kyle,D'you have any wire here?
Dr. Doctor,There's no time! Once these lights flicker out all the patients on life-support are going to die!
Kenny,(I'll stick 'em together)
Dr. Doctor,"No, Kenny, you can't. There must be some other way! He's going to make the connection himself, with his hands."
Kyle,"No, he'll die!"
Cartman,"Go, Kenny!"
Dr. Doctor,Kenny! Nnnoooooo!
Kenny,(Goodbbyyyyee-ugh!)
Stan,"Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!"
Kyle,You bastard!
Chef,The power!
Dr. Doctor,Quickly! Get the scanner running again!  We've got a chance now!
Clinton,"Well, okay, Mrs. Cartman, I'll legalize 40th trimester abortions for you."
Liane,"Oh, thank you, thank you."
Clinton,We'll have the pregnancy terminated immediately.
Liane,Terminated?
Clinton,"Why yes, that's what an abortion is."
Liane,Oh no uh- I didn't mean that. I meant the other thing you can do-what's that other A word?
Clinton,Adoption?
Liane,"Yess, that's what I mean. Adoption."
Clinton,"Well, that's- pretty different."
Liane,"Oh, I should tell my son the truth about everything myself. Good day, Mr. President."
Dr. Doctor,"Well, we made it. The power is on, the snow is melting, and your friend Mephesto is doing fine."
Mephesto,Where... where am I?
Chef,"You're at the hospital, Mr. Mephesto. You were shot. Now, we don't know who tried to shoot you, but--"
Mephesto,Ohh. I'm sure it was my brother again. He tries to shoot me every month.
Chef,Ooohhh.
Dr. Doctor,Where's the little fat boy? He'll be delighted that Mephesto's awake.
Chef,He went off looking for Mr. Kenny.
Stan,"He was a good friend, and I'll miss him."
Kyle,He was very brave. He risked his life so that Mephesto could live.
Cartman,Yeah. And now he's a freezy-pop.
Stan,"Dude! D'you think if we hit him with a shovel, he'd shatter?"
Kyle,I don't know. Let's find out.
Garrison,Ohh. It's over! We're free!
Barbrady,"Yes, but at what cost, Mr. Garrison? At what cost?"
Jimbo,"Listen, everybody. We did what we had to in there."
Mayor,But- hhhow will we live with ourselves now?
Ned,"Mm-one day at a time, Mayor. Mm-one day at a time."
Singer,Ave Maria...
Garrison,"Well, I'm bringing home some Eric Roberts in a doggie bag. Does anybody else want some?"
Mephesto,"I'm glad that you could all come. I can finally reveal who the father of Eric Cartman is. But first, I want to thank Kenny McCormick for sacrificing his life--"
Cartman,Just tell us already!
Mephesto,"Alright alright. The father of Eric Cartman is... Say, did anybody see that Terrance and Phillip special last month? Wasn't that just the funniest thing--"
Cartman,Dammit! Tell me who my father is already!
Mephesto,"Oh. As I said before, the father is somebody in this room. The father is... Mrs. Cartman."
Chef,What???
Liane,"Yes, it's true."
Garrison,"Noo, that doesn't make sense!"
Mephesto,"Yes. It took quite a while for me to understand as well. You see, Mrs. Cartman is a hermaphrodite."
Garrison,Uh-meaning what?
Mephesto,Meaning that she has both male and female genitals.
Liane,It's true.
Chef,"You mean, at the Drunken Barn Dance, when we all got together with her, she was a he?!"
Mephesto,"No no, not exactly. But she did have a penis.  The fact of the matter is, hermaphrodites cannot bear children, so Mrs. Cartman's DNA match with Eric can only mean that she is his father, and she got another woman pregnant at the Drunken Barn Dance."
Cartman,"Ugh. Man, this is fuckin' weak."
Stan,"Dude! You're a big fatass, and your mom's a hermapholite!"
Liane,"I'm sorry I never told you, Eric.  I just thought, maybe it would be a little shocking to you."
Cartman,"Oh, wow, gee whiz, you think so, Mom?!"
Mephesto,"Well, that's that. Thank you all for playing."
Cartman,"No no, wait a minute! If... if she's my dad, then... who's my mom?!"
Announcer 1,Who is Eric Cartman's mother? Is it Mrs. Crabtree? Sheila Broflovski? The Mayor?
Cartman,"Ooohhh, forget it!"
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children. Each of you gets to choose two books from the Booktastic bus."
Cartman,Reading sucks ass.
Mr. Garrison,"Eric, shut up!"
Kyle,Boring. Boring. Gay. Boring. Boring.
Stan,Hey you guys. Check out these books.  Sabrina Unchained.
Kyle,"Wow, these books look cool!"
Cartman,"Hey, there's a lot of big words in these books."
Kenny,(There's a lot of fuckin' vaginas and penises.)
Bus Driver,"Hello, kids. I see you're discovering the magic of reading."
Kyle,Who are you?
Bus Driver,"I drive the Booktastic bus, where magic begins. You see, reading opens up whole new worlds to you. You can take a canoe down the Amazon or go back in time to Camelot or become a race car driver, all by just opening a book. Just like magic. The magic of reading."
Cartman,"God, shut up, dude."
Bus Driver,Go ahead and pick any books you like. Then give in. Give in to the magic.
Stan,"If we read, are we gonna become like that guy?"
Kyle,"Yeah, this is stupid! Books aren't magical."
Cartman,"I don't know, I'm kinda getting a tingly feeling looking at these."
Kenny,"(Hey, what's that?)"
Stan,I don't know. Let's go see.
Barbrady,"Well, being an officer of the peace means a lot of things. It's a hard job, but then I'm a hard man. A lot of people think that in a small town there isn't a lot for the law to do. Well, they're wrong."
Dispatcher 1,All units. All units. Report to 254 Avenue de los Mexicanos. Possible hostile situation.
Barbrady,"There, you see? This could be a bank robbery. Or possibly even a murder! This ain't no podunk little town!"
Dispatcher,"And, Barbrady, your wife called. She wants you to get some pizza on the way home."
Barbrady,Goddammit!
Barbrady,"Okay, people, move along. There's nothing to see here.  What's the trouble? Where's the body?"
Rancher,"Barbrady, I just caught some guy in here having sex with one of my chickens."
Barbrady,Uhhhh... oh.
Woman,"My God, that's disgusting!"
Stan,"Whoa, dude! How do you have sex with a chicken?"
Barbrady,"Uhh, boys, you move along. This isn't for young eyes to see.  Did you get a good look at the suspect?"
Rancher,"Naw, I didn't see anything. It just happened so fast."
Barbrady,"Wellll uh, this is quite interesting, huh, guys?"
Cameraman,"Uhh, we're gonna go grab some lunch and maybe get some shots of those turtles down at the pond."
Barbrady,"Haw, camel poo."
Stan,"Hey, what's this?"
Kyle,It looks like a note.
Barbrady,"Give me that!  That's a clue, and you'll get your stinking DNA all over it!"
Rancher,What does it say?
Barbrady,"Uhh... It says, uuh, ""Sorry I had sex with the chicken. I won't do it again. Bye-bye."" Well, there you have it. Case closed."
Rancher,"Dammit, Barbrady, what the hell's wrong with you? Every time somethin' happens in this town, you say ""Nothin' to see here"", and ""Case closed."" But we want justice. We have to find this sicko!"
Barbrady,"I said, return to your homes before I start arresting people."
Rancher,For what? Orderly conduct?
Barbrady,How about fishing without a license?
Rancher,I'm not fishin'.
Barbrady,"Whataya call this then?  If you do not comply, I'll be forced to execute each and every one of you  by gunshot to the head.  That's right, return to your simple lives.  Just forget this ever happened. Forget.  For-get."
Kyle,Wow. Barbrady sure is acting weird.
Stan,"Yeah, I wonder what's wrong."
Teller,"Welcome to Fran's. Can I help you?  Sir, can I help you?"
Barbrady,"Uhhh, just give me two cheeseburgers and some jalapeño poppers."
Teller,"Sure, there's just one problem."
Barbrady,What's that?
Teller,We're a bank.
Barbrady,"I know that, smarty-pants! What do you think, I'm some kinda idiot?"
Teller,Yes.
Barbrady,Hmmm.  I can't go on living this lie!
Anchor,"With chicken after chicken being violated, the South Park police are under increasing pressure to solve the case of the Chickenfucker. We now go live to a press conference where Officer Barbrady and the Mayor are fielding questions."
Reporter 1,"Officer Barbrady, what would drive a man to such a disgusting act?"
Barbrady,"Well, nobody can say for sure; uh, no motive has yet been established."
Reporter 2,Do the police have any leads?
Barbrady,"Well, both 3D computer modeling and intensive seismology have not given us any leads as of yet."
Reporter 3,But has Chickenfucker left any clues at the crime?
Barbrady,"All right, all right! I can't read!  There, I said it! I can't read! Are you happy now? You pushed and you pushed, and now you all know my terrible secret! I'm illegitimate! I'm not fit to be a policeman! I retire!"
Press Coordinator,"Okay, thank you all for coming. There's uhh, coffee and brownies out front."
Anchor,"And so Officer Barbrady has taken a leave of absence, and South Park would have to manage without any police force for a while--  This just in! South Park is plunged into total anarchy!  Exactly two seconds after the retirement of Officer Barbrady, looting and pillaging erupted in the quiet mountain town!"
Looter 1,"Whoopee, this is killer!"
Looter 2,"With no cops around, we can do whatever we want!"
Kyle,"Whoa, dude, what's going on?"
Stan,"I don't know.  Oh my God, they've killed--  Oh, never mind."
Mayor,"I don't believe it. All this time, Barbrady actually did keep this town peaceful."
Aide 1,Who knew? I always thought he was a complete idiot.
Mayor,He is.
Reporter 3,What do you plan to do about the South Park riots?
Mayor,No reason for concern. I want to assure all of you that Officer Barbrady is still our active police force.
Reporter 3,But he's illiterate. What do you plan to do?
Mayor,"Uhhhhh, plan? I don't actually uh--"
Aide 2,"Reading classes, plain and simple. By the mayor's order, Officer Barbrady is on temporary leave of absence to learn to read, effective immediately."
Mayor,"Yes, that's right. It's back to school with Officer Barbrady!"
Garrison,"Now, children, we have a new student joining us today. Please say 'hi' to Officer Barbrady."
Stan,"I can't see, dude!"
Garrison,"Okay now, since our focus has been on reading, let's review some of the basics.  E-yes, what is it?"
Barbrady,I need to go poopies.
Garrison,"Officer Barbrady, in school we go to the bathroom before and after class."
Barbrady,"Oh, Christ. How do you kids do it?"
Garrison,"Now, does anyone have any suggestions where we should begin with Officer Barbrady?"
Kyle,How about a brain transplant?
Garrison,"Now, Kyle, let's be supportive of our new student, give him the nurturing environment he needs to thrive. Now, I'm gonna write a sentence and I want us all to help Officer Barbrady read it.  Give it a shot, Officer Barbrady."
Barbrady,Ahhh... O... O--
Garrison,"Bzzzt! Wrong! Try again, dumbass! Hahahahahahaha  hahahaha!  Okay, okay. Maybe we should try something a little easier. We can work our way up to the hard ones.  Go ahead, Barbrady, don't be scared."
Barbrady,Ahhh... O...
Garrison,"Bzzzt drrrrr! Did you hear that, Mr. Hat?"
Mr. Hat,"I sure did, Mr. Garrison. What a retard!"
Barbrady,Did you kids actually learn how to read this way?
Stan,"No, we just fake it to shut him up."
Garrison,"Okayheh, okay hi'm sohry. I'm sohry heh. Let's try again."
Intruder,"So, what are nice chickens like you doing in a coop like this?"
Garrison,"Now, children, I hope you all had a good time reading your books and are prepared for your book reports.  Who should we have go first, Mr. Hat? Let's see..."
Cartman,"Oh, how about Stan? Or Kyle?"
Garrison,"Eric, why don't you go first?"
Cartman,Oooaaagh.
Garrison,"What's the matter, Eric? Are you not prepared again?"
Cartman,"I'm prepared!  For my book report, I read The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. It was very, very good. Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?"
Garrison,"No, I can't say that I have."
Cartman,"Oh, good. In The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, a bunch of uh, hippies, walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical... camel... which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it; I give it a B-minus."
Garrison,"And I give you an F, Eric. Now sit down!"
Cartman,God-dammit!
Barbrady,Haa haa. Ha ha ha.
Garrison,"Okay, Officer Barbrady, why don't you give us your book report?"
Barbrady,"I've just finished reading the heartwarming novel, Go, Dog. Go!. I found it a compelling and disturbing look at the canine psyche. If I may read a passage: ""Big... dog..., little... dog.  A red dog... on a..."" Well, anyway, I'm not one to give away the ending, but I will say that it spirals toward an incredible twist-turn that parallels my own life."
Garrison,"Thank you, Officer Barbrady. That was a very good book report indeed. I'll give you an A."
Barbrady,Hooray!
Cartman,Goody two-shoes.
Barbrady,"Swingset, swingset, up and down I go""Whoosh!"" goes the willy-wind, flowing through my toes"
Stan,"Dude, I think Barbrady enjoys being in school a little too much."
Kyle,"Yeah, isn't he just supposed to be learning how to read?"
Barbrady,"Swingset, swingset, up and down I go..."
Mayor,"Officer Barbrady, what are you doing?!"
Kenny,(Daaarrrggghh--)  (-ooggghhh...)
Stan,"Oh, my God! They've killed--"
Kenny,(Hey.)
Stan,"Oh, never mind."
Mayor,"Well, how's the reading coming along?"
Barbrady,"Oooh, pretty good."
Mayor,"Barbrady, we really need you to speed this up. The Chickenfucker struck again last night."
Kyle,Oh no!
Barbrady,"Ah, Mayor, please, when we're around children we prefer to call him the Chickenlover."
Aide 2,This time he made love to Carla Weathers' prize chicken. She's catatonic.
Barbrady,Who? Carla Weathers or the chicken?
Mayor,The perpetrator left this clue at the crime scene.
Barbrady,"Oh, I can't read this. It has silent e's."
Mayor,"You have to learn to read faster, Barbrady!"
Barbrady,I'm doing the best I can. I even got a A on my book report.
Mayor,"Listen, buddy! Either you learn to read quick, or else I'm gonna find a law officer to replace you forever!"
Aide 2,"Hey, what'd you do that for?"
Aide 1,"Uh, just dramatic effect, sorry."
Barbrady,"Oh boy, I'm in big trouble.  I'll never learn to read fast enough, and the town is in chaos."
Stan,"It's cool, dude. We'll help you."
Barbrady,"Hey, that's right. You can help me. Under article 39, section 2 of police code, I'm allowed to deputize citizens in a time of crisis."
Cartman,Really? I wanna be a cop.
Barbrady,"You boys will be my deputies; you can help me restore order, catch the Chickenlover, and swing me on the swingset."
Cartman,Do I get a nightstick?
Barbrady,"Sure, nightsticks for everybody!  You keep a tab on crime in the city, and we'll try to solve the Chickenlover case."
Cartman,"10-4, sergeant!"
Barbrady,"Now, what did that clue say again?"
Stan,"""If you want to know where I'll strike next, read Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft""."
Barbrady,"To the Booktastic bus, deputies! We haven't a moment to spare!"
"Stan, Kyle, Kenny",Hooray!
Bus Driver,"Good day, friends. Welcome to the magical world of reading."
Barbrady,We need a copy of Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft right away!
Bus Driver,"Oohhh, that's a very magical book, full of wondrous--"
Barbrady,"Aw, just give us the damn book, fruitcake!"
Kyle,What's it say?
Barbrady,"It says, ""Mmmuh mmmuuh..."" Uh, what's this word?"
Stan,I.
Barbrady,"Oh, yeah. ""I... mmuh mmuh--"""
Kyle,"Here, give me that.  ""I am Bumbly Wumbly. I live in the pond."""
Stan,"A pond? Hey, maybe that means Stark's Pond."
Barbrady,"That's quick thinking, deputy. Let's get to Stark's Pond immediately!"
Cartman,Ey!
Randy,"Uhh, yes, Officer?"
Cartman,I clocked you at 40 miles an hour back there. Do you know what the speed limit is heawh?
Randy,"Well, according to that sign right there, it's 40 miles an hour."
Cartman,"Step out of the car, please, sir."
Randy,Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend?
Cartman,"Sir, step out of the car, please."
Randy,Yeah. You're the one who always plugs up the toilet at our house.
Cartman,"Ey! I am a cop, and you will respect my authoritah!"
Randy,"Yeah, right. You'd better get back to school, little boy.  Ow!"
Cartman,Get your ass to jail!
Randy,"Ow! Hey, what the hell are you doing? You can't do that! Ah-ow! Ah-ow! Ow!"
Cartman,Sweet.
Randy,Ooww!
Barbrady,"Oh, weak, dude! We're too late!"
Stan,"Well, the chickens don't seem to really mind."
Priest,"Well, this is terrible! Now, who would have sex with a chicken?"
Halfy,I would.
Garrison,"Aw, you couldn't screw anything, Halfy. You don't have any legs!"
Halfy,Oh... yeah.
Priest,"Have some respect for people's feelings, would you, Halfy?!"
Barbrady,"Come on, dudes. We need to look for another clue."
Kyle,"Here! Here, I found one!"
Stan,What's it say? What's it say?
Kyle,"It says, ""Read Teetle the Timid Ta-- Taa-- The Taxi--"" What's this word?"
Stan,I dunno.
Barbrady,"""Ta... ta... Taaguh-- Taxi-dermist.""  I read it! I read it all by myself!"
Halfy,"Hooray, yeah! Whoo!"
Dispatcher 2,Five George is en route to 496 Broad Wasteland...
Cartman,"Yeah, I've been working this beat for about three days now. You definitely have to have pretty thick skin or else these people, they just walk all over you.  Sometimes you have to go undercover to get the worst of them."
Driver,"Hi there, little lady."
Cartman,"Well, hi there.  Uh, wha-what are you doing tonight?"
Driver,"Well, hopefully spending some time with you, gorgeous. Is $20 enough?"
Cartman,"Sir, step out of the car, please."
Driver,"What? Oh-oh-uh, is this a bust?"
Cartman,"Sir, step out of the car."
Driver,"Hey, wait a minute. You're just a kid!"
Cartman,Maybe this'll teach you to listen to authoritah.
Driver,"Ow! Oo-uhow! Ow! Hey, man, what are you doing?! Ow, stop it!"
Cartman,Yeah... Sometimes upholding the law is messy. But you get by. One day at a time.
Looter 3,I got a TV.
Looter 4,Shh. Come on!
Barbrady,"""Tee-tle the timid taxidermist... loves..to..."" Oh, goddamn, reading is lame!"
Kyle,"How's it goin', dude?"
Barbrady,"Terrible! I give up! I'm not fit to be a cop! Booohoohoohoohoo, booohoohoohoohoo."
Stan,"Come on, dude, it's not that hard!"
Barbrady,"It is, too!"
Kyle,Just read the sentence.
Barbrady,"""Teetle the timid taxidermist loves to go to the pet-pet--"""
Kyle,"Come on, dumbass, you can do it!"
Barbrady,"""Pet--"" Wait a minute."
Garrison,Conjugate the verb. Conjugate the verb.
Mr. Hat,"Yes, conjugate the verb."
Barbrady,"Pet-ting. Petting zoo. He loved to go to the petting zoo! Boys, we're off!"
Dispatcher 3,"All units, all units. Five-twelve at 635 Avenue de los Mexicanos; request assistance."
Cartman,"Sir, could you step out of the car, please?"
Stuart,"We're fine, officer."
Cartman,"And-uhh who's, who's in here with you?"
Stuart,Just me and my wife and my brother. And my wife's cousin and his son and my brother's girlfriend and our two kids--
Kenny,"(Hi, Cartman.)"
Stuart,"--and my brother's girlfriend's mother, and this guy Bob, who I met last year."
Cartman,Poor people tend to live in clusters.
Stuart,What—What did you say?
Cartman,"Nothing. Now, sir, is there some kind of a..."
Mrs. McCormick,I want him out of my house! He ain't worth a shit! He can't even hold a fuckin' job!
Stuart,"Shut up, bitch!"
Cartman,"Okay, okay, let's try to watch the language; there's children present heuh."
Mrs. McCormick,You lazy-ass motherfucker!
Stuart,Look what she did to my fuckin' eye.
Mrs. McCormick,I'll do it again!
Kevin,Mom hit Dad again!
Cartman,"Now, the first thing to do in domestic disturbance calls like this one is to just calm everybody down. Respect my authoritah!"
Kenny,"(Goddammit, Cartman!)"
Stuart,Aagh!
Dispatcher 1,All units. All units. We have a 5-20 on the suspect. Report to the South Park petting zoo immediately!
Cartman,Chickenlover!
Barbrady,"Keep your eyes peeled, boys. Somebody's gonna make love to this chicken any minute."
Stan,Maybe we were wrong about the clue.
Kyle,"Yeah, maybe you read it wrong."
Barbrady,"Oh, no!  Shhh!  Keep your eyes peeled."
Stan,Look!
Kyle,He's here!
Barbrady,Grab him!
Cartman,Dammit! Can't this thing go any faster?!
Stan,"Oh my God, they've killed--"
Kenny,"(Oh, it was only my jacket.)"
Stan,Goddammit!
Barbrady,"I knew it was you all along, Richard Nixon!"
Stan,"Aw, I think that's a mask, dude."
Barbrady,Oh.
Kyle,"Whoa, dude! It's the bookmobile driver!"
Barbrady,Caught you red-handed!
Bus Driver,"Indeed, you did. How did you know I would strike here?"
Barbrady,By reading Teetle the Timid Taxidermist.
Bus Driver,You did?! Really?! Then it worked! My whole plan worked absolutely perfectly!
Stan,"What are you talking about, dude?!"
Bus Driver,"When I heard that Officer Barbrady couldn't read, I knew I had to motivate him somehow. So I formulated a plan to encourage him to learn the magic of reading!"
Kyle,So you fucked a bunch of chickens?
Bus Driver,"Yes! Yes, exactly! Don't you see? Only by fucking chickens could I get Officer Barbrady to become literate."
Stan,"That doesn't... make a whole..lot of sense, dude."
Bus Driver,"Oh, no? He who was blind can now see!  I got Officer Brabrady to read. My plan worked perfectly."
Barbrady,"Well, I guess I should say ""Thanks?"""
Bus Driver,"You're welcome. And now, my reading friend, you've proven that you are ready for the big time. I give you this hardback copy of Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand."
Cartman,Freeze! Put your hands in the air!
Kyle,Cartman!
Cartman,I got reports that the suspect is in this area!
Kyle,"Well, he is. It turns out that the bookmobile driver here was the one making love to chickens."
Cartman,A-ha!
Bus Driver,"Ow, that hurts!"
Kyle,"Whoa, dude!"
Stan,Cartman!
Babrady,"No, no, that's not how you uphold the law!"
Cartman,"Well, he is not listening to my authoritah!"
Babrady,"Oohhh, ohh, you've got it all wrong, my little friend. You do it like this:"
Bus Driver,Heee--!
Babrady,You've gotta get 'em in the head; they go down quicker.
Cartman,Ooohhhh.
Kyle,"I guess you should leave police work to the professionals, huh, Cartman?"
Babrady,"Well anyway, I'm relieving you of your duties. I've proved that I can read, and now I'm back on the job!"
Stan/Kyle,Hooray!
Stan,Hey! So what are you going to do now?
Babrady,"Now?  Well, I-ee uh... I think I'll get in the bathtub, and then curl up with a good book."
Anchor,And so today South Park held a parade to honor Officer Barbrady and his heroic work on the Chickenfucker case.
Barbrady,"Thank you, everybody. Thank you."
Man 1,Speech! Speech!
Barbrady,What?
Stan,"They want you to give a speech, Officer Barbrady; about the whole experience over the last couple of days."
Barbrady,"Oh. Okay, uh... Well, first of all I'd like to thank the town of South Park, the town that bore me and eventually will rob me of my life precious."
Man 2,"Oh, yeah!"
Barbrady,"Second, I'd like to say to all those out there who think they can screw chickens just to teach people to read, your days are numbered!  And finally, I'd like to say that  reading totally sucks ass!"
Stan/Kyle,Hooray!
Barbrady,"Yes, at first, I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical. But then I read this: Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of this garbage, and because of this piece of sh-shit, I'm never reading again!"
"Stan, Kyle",Hooray for Barbrady!
Kyle,Wow! I guess reading really does suck ass!
Cartman,"Ey, that's what I've been saying all along, you guys."
Stan,"I'm just glad everything turned out okay, and Barbrady got his job back."
Kyle,It's poetic justice.
Barbrady,"Thanks, boys."
Kenny,(Ow!)
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, let's take our seats. This morning we're going to have a special lecture by your school counselor, Mr. Mackey."
Stan,Booooo!
Mr. Mackey,"Nuh-now, who was that?  That is not appropriate behavior, m'kay?"
Stan,"I'm sorry, Mr. Mackey, m'kay?"
Mr. Mackey,"Uh... That's okay, just don't let it happen again."
Kyle,"We won't let it happen again, Mr. Mackey, m'kay?"
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, okay, okay, that's fine."
Cartman,Okay?
Mr. Mackey,"Okay.  Now, uh, as your counselor, I'm here to tell you about drugs and alcohol and why they're bad, m'kay? Uh, so, first of all, uh, smokin's bad.  You shouldn't smoke. And-uh, alcohol is bad.  You shouldn't drink alcohol. And-uh, as for drugs, well, drugs are bad. You shouldn't do drugs. Okay, that about wraps up my introduction, now uh, are there any questions?  Yes, Stan?"
Stan,Why do dogs have cold noses?
Mr. Mackey,"Uhhh, well, I'm not sure."
Stan,Oh.
Mr. Mackey,"Now-uh, let's focus our discussion first on marijawana.  Marijawana's bad, and it also has a very distinct smell, okay? I'm gonna pass around just a little tiny bit. Now, I want you all to take a smell,  so you know when someone is smoking marijawana near you. M'kay, just take a smell, pass it on,  and when it gets back up to me,  we'll finish talking about it. In the meantime, I want to get into alcohol a little, okay? Uh, alcohol is bad. Uh, if you drink alcohol you…"
Kyle,"Hey, are you guys gonna come to Ike's party this weekend?"
Stan,"Your little brother's having a party? Why, is it his birthday?"
Kyle,"No, it's his bris."
Cartman,"What the hell is a ""bris""?"
Kyle,"I don't know. But there's gonna be lots of food, and a band."
Cartman,"Oh, kick ass! I wanna have a bris!"
Mr. Mackey,"…and so uh, that's why alcohol is bad. Uh, ha-has that marijawana made it back up here yet?  No? O-okay. Let's talk about LSD.  Uh, children, LSD i-is bad. It's a drug made famous by John Lennon and Paul McCartney…"
Stan,"Hey, are we supposed to get your little brother presents for a bris?"
Kyle,Uhhh... I'm not sure.
Stan,"Well, dude, you better find out!"
Mr. Mackey,"Boys, are you paying attention?"
Stan,"Sorry, Mr. Mackey, m'kay?"
Mr. Mackey,"Okay. Now, children, has that marijawana made it around yet?  Uhh, who-who has the marijawana now?  Ummm okay, whoe-whoever has the marijawana, just pass it up to the front row, m'kay?  Uh-oh."
Principal Victoria,"I am very disappointed in you, young man. You should be ashamed of yourself. What could have possessed you to be so stupid?"
Mr. Mackey,"I'm sorry, Prinshipal Victoria."
Principal Victoria,"We-hell, ""sorry"" isn't going to cut the cheese this time, mister! I'm afraid I'm going to have to suspend you from school."
Mr. Mackey,You mean I'm fired?
Principal Victoria,"Well, I guess that's the grown-up way to put it, yes."
Mr. Mackey,"But-but it was an honest error of judgment, m'kay? I-I really thought it was important for the kids to know the smell of marijawana--"
Principal Victoria,"It was an error of judgment, Mr. Mackey, but I'm afraid I have to let you go for it. We searched each one of those kids, but came up empty."
Mr. Mackey,But--
Principal Victoria,"We had to let them go home, and one of them now has half a lid of Jamaican grass because of you!"
Mr. Mackey,"Huh, how am I going to make ends meet...m-m'kay? Wha-what will I do for money??"
Principal Victoria,"There, there, now. Maybe this will all blow over someday and we can give you a job as a janitor cleaning up vomit with that pink sawdust stuff."
Mr. Mackey,No-uho-uho-uho!  Not o-uho-uhokay!
Stan,"Man! That sucked, getting searched."
Cartman,"Yeah, my ass is killing me."
Kyle,Why did they search us? That marijawana never even made it to us.
Cartman,I wonder who took it.
Announcer,And now it's almost time for BoBo's.
Chef,"Hello there, children."
Boys,"Hey, Chef."
Kyle,How's it going?
Chef,Bad.
Kyle,Why bad?
Chef,"Children, I heard about what happened at school today. Now, none of you took that nasty marijuana, did you?"
Stan,"No, dude, we never even saw it!"
Chef,Okay. Because I just want to tell you that drugs are bad!
Stan,"We know, we know, that's what everybody says."
Chef,Right. But do you know why they're bad?
Kyle,"Because they're an addictive solution to a greater problem, causing disease of both body and mind with consequences far outweighing their supposed benefits."
Chef,And do you have any idea what that means?
Kyle,No.
Cartman,"I know. Drugs are bad because if you do drugs, you're a hippie, and hippies suck."
Chef,"Look, children. This is all I'm goin' to say about drugs: stay away from them. There's a time and place for everything, and it's called college. Do you understand?"
Boys,Dude!
Chef,Okay.
Kyle,"Hey, are you going to come to Ike's bris this weekend?"
Chef,"Oh, hell no! I can't bear to see that!"
Stan,What do ya mean?
Chef,Don't you boys know what a bris is? They're going to circumcise him.
Cartman,Wo-what's that?
Chef,Oh boy. Here we go again.  Children... Uhh... What's the one thing that's more sacred to a man than anything else in the world?
Stan,"Ahhh, bicycles?"
Cartman,Ham?
Kyle,"No, not ham, you fat fuck!"
Cartman,"Screw you! It's ham, isn't it?"
Chef,"No, no, no, children, I'm talkin' about the most important part of a man's body."
Kyle,Your heart?
Stan,Your eyes?
Kenny,"(Ooh, the penis!)"
Chef,That's right.
Cartman,"Hey! My mom says you're not supposed to call it a penis, Kenny! You're supposed to call it a fireman."
Chef,"A ""fireman""?"
Cartman,"That's the proper way to say it, or else you get a spanking."
Chef,"Dammit, children! Why do I always have to be the one to explain all this stuff to you?  Ask your parents for once!"
Kyle,"Hey, wait!"
Stan,"Dude, something tells me this bris thing isn't good."
Female passenger,"Hey, Mackey, you got any more pot? My four-year-old needs a fix! Yehahahahaha!"
Driver 1,"Hey, Mackey! Now we see what you and Homer Simpson have in common, d'oh-pe!  Ha ha ha ha!"
Driver 2,"Heeey, Mackey!"
Driver 3,"Hey, Mackey! Why did the drug user cross the road?"
Driver 3's Passenger,"Who do you think you are, you stupid drug-taking hippie?! You damn hippies are all alike!"
Driver 4,Won't you leave the guy alone?
Driver 5,"Hey, hippie, are you gonna do some drugs?"
Mr. Mackey,Uuuuuugh!
Bartender,"Hey, I don't think I've seen you around here before."
Mr. Mackey,"Naw, I just-- I had to get away, m-m'kay? I just lost my job."
Bartender,"Oh that's weak, man. You know what you need? You need a good, stiff drink."
Mr. Mackey,"Oh-uh-uh, I don't drink, m'kay?"
Bartender,"Trust me, man! It'll make you feel better."
Mr. Mackey,Ughuh...  Drinkin's bad.
Devil,Go ahead. Drink the beer. It'll calm you down.
Angel,"Yeah, why the hell not? It's just a beer. Don't be such a pussy, m'kay?"
Bartender,So how do you feel?
Mr. Mackey,"Woah, about the same."
Bartender,"Oh, you just need something a little stronger."
Stan,Kyle! You have to stop them!
Kyle,Stop who?
Stan,Dude! I found out what a bris is! I found out what they're gonna do to Ike!
Kyle,What?
Stan,They're gonna chop off his wee wee!
Kyle,Chop off his wee wee?! Are you sure?!
Stan,"Yeah, dude! It's a Jewish tradition! It's called a circumstision!"
Cartman,Dude! That is not cool! Choppin' off wee wees is not cool!
Kyle,That can't be true! My parents wouldn't do that!
Stan,"Dude, I asked five different people. They said all Jewish boys have circumstisions, an-and they make it into a party called a bris."
Cartman,"Dude, yuh-eh-you just don't...chop off somebody's fireman!"
Kyle,I won't believe it! I won't! I have to ask my mom and dad!
Mr Mackey,"We are young, m'kay?Heartache to heartache we stand, m'kay?No promises, no demands, m-m'kay..?  Whoa... Is this my house?"
Landlord,"Your key ain't gonna work, Mackey! I changed the locks!"
Mr. Mackey,"Why, Mr. Freely?"
Mr. Freely,I'm not rentin' to you anymore! I heard that you got fired from your job for selling drugs to children!
Mr. Mackey,"No, no, no, m'kay? I-it wasn't like that."
Mr. Freely,"Drugs are an illegal narcotic! And having never taken drugs, I can say that they have nothing to offer!"
Mr. Mackey,But I've never taken drugs either.
Mr. Freely,"I've never taken drugs, and look at me! I'm totally fine! Now get off my property before I lose control and kill you!"
Mr. Mackey,"Huuhh?  Ow, m'kay?!"
Mr. Freely,Drug user! Druuug user!
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, uh--"
Mr. Freely,"Come back here, dammit!"
Mr. Mackey,"Whoa, wait!"
Sheila,Just a little higher.
Kyle,Mom! Dad!
Sheila,"Oh, hi, bubele. I'm glad you're here; you can help decorate for the party."
Gerald,Your mother's made gahekgafuga.
Cartman,What the hell is gahekgafuga?
Kyle,"Mom, Dad, what exactly are this party for?"
Sheila,To celebrate your little brother's  passage into life.
Kyle,Meaning what?
Gerald,Meaning we're going to circumcise him.
Cartman,They are gonna cut off his fireman!
Sheila,"It's Jewish tradition, bubbe."
Gerald,"Normally, we do it right after the baby is born, but we had to do it later for Ike because he's a--"
Kyle,AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
Gerald,"Oh, now what's gotten into him? Stan, will you go talk to him?"
"Sheila, Gerald","Let us cut off you pee pee, Stan!"
"Stan, Cartman","AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!! Aaagg-that's the sickest friggin' thing-run, ruuun!"
Kenny,"(Run, dude!)"
Sheila,"Oy, what is the matter with them?"
Kyle,I can't believe my parents are cannibals!
Stan,"What are you goin' to do, dude?"
Kyle,"I have to save my little brother! I have to send him away until my parents come to their senses!  Come on, Ike!  Cover me for a while. I'll find a place to hide him and come back."
Cartman,"No way, dude! We're not staying alone in your house with your wee-wee-choppin' parents!"
Kyle,"Just give me 30 minutes. Come on, Ike!"
Mr. Mackey,"Hoh! I can't sleep; it's too cold, m'kay?"
Hobo,"Hey, you want somethin' to warm you up?"
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, I didn't know this dark alley was taken."
Hobo,"Here, try this; it'll warm you up."
Mr. Mackey,Marijuwana's bad.
Hobo,What?
Mr. Mackey,"Ma-marijuwana makes you feel depressed and low, m'kay?"
Hobo,And you don't fell that way now?
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, good point.  No, I don't feel any d-oooohh...  Oh, baby, get down, m'kay?"
Hobo,Uh-huh.
Mr. Mackey,"Man, this alley is cool! It's so alive and beautiful!"
Hobo,"Ohh, boy."
Kyle,"Come on, Ike, hurry up!  Where is the next train going?"
Clerk,"Lincoln, Nebraska; train leaves in five minutes."
Kyle,"You wanna go to Nebraska, Ike?"
Ike,No!
Kyle,I need one ticket for my little brother.
Clerk,That's a little brother? I thought it was a trash can or something. What's wrong with his head?
Kyle,Huh?
Clerk,"I'm sorry, but we just can't throw Caucasian babies on an outbound train."
Kyle,But my parents are gonna cut off his ding-dong!
Clerk,What?! Why the hell would they do that?
Kyle,"They've just gone crazy for a while. Please, mister, I have to hide my brother until they come to their senses."
Clerk,"No can do, sonny."
Kyle,"Dammit!  Ike, if you wanna keep your penis, you have to get on this train.  Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!"
Ike,Don't kick the--
Kyle,"Goodbye, Ike! Be safe! I'll come find you in Nebraska when Mom and Dad are back to normal!"
Ike,Bye-bye.
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, man, where am I?"
Teen 1,"Hey, wow, it's that counselor from elementary school, Mr. Mackey."
Teen 2,"Wow, dude."
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, hi, boys, how are you today?"
Teen 1,"Pretty good, man. How are you?"
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, I've been better. I've been kicked out of town for doing drugs."
Teen 1,"Hey! Us, too!"
Teen 2,"Yeah, remember? You caught us smoking weed in the bathroom and got us suspended."
Mr. Mackey,"Oh. O Fortune, how you mock me?"
Teen 1,"Oh, cheer up, bro; all you need is some clear liquid to get your head straight."
Mr. Mackey,"Uh-uh, boys, LSD is bad. Hmmm...  Man, who put all this cotton in my mouth?  Yeah, baby... The world is so small.  I'm free... I'm free..."
Teen 2,"Sweet dude, totally killer."
Teen 1,That guy's totally trippin'.
Kyle,"There, what do you think?"
Cartman,What the hell is that supposed to be?
Kyle,"I'm making a dummy Ike doll. My parents think he's out with me right now, and I have to bring him back for dinner."
Stan,"Dude, I think you mom's gonna notice that isn't Ike."
Kyle,"Not when  if I say he's sick and put him to bed right away.  No, go away! Bad dog!"
Stan,"Dude, what did you make that doll out of?"
Kyle,I used a bunch of bones from the butcher shop.
Cartman,Is that why it stinks so bad?
Mr. Mackey,"Hi, boys."
Boys,"Hi, Mr. Mackey."
Mr. Mackey,Are you boys stayin' out of trouble?
Boys,Yes.
Mr. Mackey,"Okay, I-I'm just gonna go over here for a while."
Kyle,"Anyways, I need you guys to help me so that my parents don't realize Ike is gone.  Knock it off, asshole!"
Cartman,No way! I'm never going back to your parents' house!
Stan,"Come on, dude. If it were your little brother, we'd help you."
Cartman,"Eech.  Wait a minute! No, you wouldn't!"
Ike,Oh.  Oooh.
Woman,"Oh, would you look at that, honey? Somebody dropped off a perfectly good trash can."
Ike,Yeah. No more walbolching!
Sheila,"Bubbe, where have you been? Dinner's been ready for five minutes."
Kyle,"Sorry, Mom. I just had to deal with Ike. He-he's been cranky."
Sheila,How is my little jellybean?
Kyle,"Bye-bye seeme mama.  Ah, I'm gonna take him up to the bathroom to get washed up."
Sheila,"Okay, but first let Mommy give you a kiss."
Kyle,"No, Mom-uh, he, he doesn't want you kissing him."
Sheila,"Aaaaargh! Omigod, make him stop!"
Gerald,AAAGGGHH!!!
Kyle,"Put him down, you stupid dog!"
Sheila,"My baby! Oh, God, the horror!"
Gerald,"Get out of here, you mutt! Let him go!"
Sheila,"Ooooohhhhhhooh-ho! Oooh, my baby! Bubbeleh mine!  Waagghh!!  My baby!!"
Driver,Huuh?
"Gerald, Sheila",Aaaggghhh! Aaagh aaagghh!
Sheila,"Oh, he's dead, he's dead! My little bubbeleh's dead!"
Gerald,"There, there, Shei-hla. There's nothing we can do."
Priest,"""Yea, usher us unto the Lord"", sayeth some Jewish guy once. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust."
Kyle,"Hey, wait a minute. How come Ike's tombstone has the Canadian flag on it?"
Sheila,"Well, bubbe, there's something you have to know. Ike wasn't really your brother, he was adopted."
Kyle,What??
Gerald,"He was not really a Broflovski, he was Canadian. But we loved him all the same."
Kyle,"You mean to tell me that all this time I've been trying to protect Ike from having his fireman cut off, and he's not even my real brother?!"
Sheila,What are you talking about?
Kyle,"Dude, Ike isn't dead. He's in Nebraska!"
Sheila,What-what-whaaat?!
Stan,"Dude, you shouldn't have told them that. Now they're gonna find him and cut off his penis!"
Cartman,Fireman!
Kyle,"Ooh, who the hell cares? He's not even my responsibility."
Kenny,"(Hey!)  (Hey, you guys! I'm dy--)"
Stan,"Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!"
Kyle,You bastards!
Priest,"""Yea, let us ponder the Lord's mercy. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust."""
Jimbo,"Get outta the way, you damn hippie!"
Mr. Mackey,I don't need to take you right-wing authoritative bullshit!
Jimbo,What?
Mr. Mackey,"Aw, you're just like the government, man! Trying to prosecute outta one side of your mouth, m'kay, while supporting guns outta the other, m'kay?"
Jimbo,"Aw, why don't you go to a Grateful Dead concert?"
Mr. Mackey,"I can't, man. Jerry Bear's dead, m'kay?"
Blonde,"He-e-ey, man, I overheard what you said; that was coool!"
Mr. Mackey,"What? Oh, thanks, man."
Blonde,Would you like to come over to my place and finger-paint?
Mr. Mackey,"Sure, man. Finger-paintin's cool, m'kay?"
Sheila,"Now, where did you leave him, young man?"
Kyle,"Aw, how the hell should I know?"
Sheila,Gerald! Do something about your smart-ass son!
Gerald,"Uhhh... Mind your... mother, smart-ass."
Sheila,"If we don't find him, so help me, you're gonna be grounded for a month!  Ike, love?"
Kyle,"All the time: ""Look out for your little brother, Kyle!"", ""Take care of your little brother, Kyle"", and he wasn't even really my little brother."
Gerald,"Kyle, just because Ike is adopted doesn't make him any less your brother."
Kyle,"Yeah, right."
Sheila,"Excuse me, we're looking for a two-year-old Canadian boy."
Clerk,"Two-year-old Canadian boy, two-year-old Canadian boy... Oh, I think they might have one of those down at Haps Bar."
Sheila,Come on!
Sheila,Ike!
Ike,Mamatoedoe.
Barkeep,"Hey, lady, that's my table post! You can't have that!"
Mackey,"Wow, man. You know, it's like… You go through life thinking that you're an individual, m'kay? And then you realize that you're more than that, m'kay. We're all just one big individual, m'kay?"
Blonde,Let's get married and have a honeymoon in India.
Mackey,M'kay.
Gerald,"Now you march to your room, and you think about what you've done!"
Sheila,"But first, apologize to your brother!"
Kyle,He's not my brother!
Gerald,Apologize to him!
Kyle,"I'm sorry, Ike."
Ike,"Uh oh, stufid."
Blonde,"Wooow, this is sooo beautiful!"
Mackey,I am one with the animals. And the trees.
Blonde,And I am one with you.
Mr. Mackey,"At long last I have foundA true reason to beNow I feel I can start anew--  Woo, whoa! Ow! Hey!  Uh oh hel-m. Hey!"
Blonde,Whoa...
Mackey,"Yeah I got, m'kay?"
Mr. Mackey,Uh-- What the hell is going on?!
Jimbo,"Tough love, Mr. Mackey. We're taking you to rehab."
Mr. Mackey,I don't want to go to rehab! I haven't even done drugs in weeks!
Principal Victoria,"We were wrong for shunning you, Mr. Mackey, and we apologize. We should have realized that you needed help."
Mr. Garrison,"Yeah, and now we're gonna make sure you get the help you need."
Mr. Mackey,I don't want help!
Principal Victoria,You'll thank us later.
Sheila,"Hello, Tom. Hello, Patty. Thanks for coming to Ike's bris."
Ike,Uh oh.
Sheila,"Look Ike, It's Uncle Murray!"
Uncle Murray,"Hello, Ike! Say, where's little Kyle?"
Sheila,"He's been sent to his room for being a bastard. He's decided that Ike isn't his brother, since he's adopted."
Guest,Hi there!
Sheila,Hello. Do I know you?
Guest,"Uh-no, but I never miss a bris. Here, I brought some dip."
Sheila,"Ohhh, thanks."
Cartman,"Well, I guess the chopping is about to commence."
Ike,Oh deh family nrr.
Kyle,What do you want?!
Ike,I wumuh trecompr. Com. Tebruhnerr.
Kyle,"Ohhh, no you don't. That isn't gonna work on me, Canadian!"
Stan,"Maybe you're being too hard on him, dude."
Kyle,No way! There's no real connection between us. It was all a big lie.
Ike,"Cookie Monster,  two, three, four, five."
Kyle,"Go on, Canadian! Beat it! I'm through getting in trouble for you!"
Ike,Baraterndr nfard fy.
Social Worker,You have to admit you have a problem before anyone can help you.
Mr. Mackey,But I don't think I really have a problem.
Social Worker,Nonsense! You did drugs! I suppose you forgot all about your family.
Mr. Mackey,I don't really have a family.
Social Worker,And you lost your job.
Mr. Mackey,"No, I lost my job before that."
Social Worker,"Mr. Mackey, you're supposed to be an adult.  The problem with drugs is that people forget to stop doing them. There's a time and a place for everything, Mr. Mackey, and it's called college! Now, I want you to repeat after me: Drugs are bad."
Mr. Mackey,Drugs are baad.
Social Worker,Drugs are bad.
Mr. Mackey,Uhh... Dru-drugs are baad.
Sheila,"Hello, Dr. Schwartz! Thank you so much for coming all this way to perform Ike's bris."
Dr. Schwartz,"Oh, my pleasure, Sheila. I brought the normal cutting device, but then I remembered that Ike was Canadian, so I brought the right one.  Where is the little rug rat?"
Sheila,Right over here.
Dr. Schwartz,"Come 'ere, you."
Ike,Oowwww!  Oh deh faminrr.
Dr. Schwartz,Ike? Ike?
Ike,Heh cohcoh mondefern menurr.
Dr. Schwartz,"There you are. Come on Ike, it's time."
Kyle,You stay away from my little brother!
Dr. Schwartz,"Bu-bu-but, son, I just--"
Kyle,"You aren't gonna cut off his wee wee. Not today, you sick-ass weirdo!"
Sheila,"Kyle, what are you talking about?"
Kyle,And you! You should be ashamed of yourself! Don't you understand that us males are defined by our firemen?!
Cartman,"Yes. The fireman is very magical. If you rub his helmet, he spits in your eye."
Dr. Schwartz,"Kyle... a-a circumcision is a very common thing for Ike to have. His father had it, his grandfather had it, and...  his brother had it."
Kyle,"No!  No, it isn't true!"
Dr. Schwartz,"We're not going to cut it off! We're just goin' to snip it, so it looks bigger."
Stan,"Oh, hey, that doesn't sound like a bad idea!"
Cartman,"Heyeah, I want to get a circumstision, too."
Social Worker,"Congratulations, Mr. Mackey. You are fully recovered."
Mr. Mackey,"I can't thank you enough for everything, m'kay? I feel like my old self again."
Social Worker,Just one more thing.  Remember that you can stay sober.
Mr. Mackey,"I will, Ms. Social Worker. I will.  M'kay?"
Kyle,"It's okay, Ike. I'm here."
Dr. Schwartz,And-a one and-a two and-a… bris.
Ike,Ouch. Amuhbuhbuhbuh.  Cookie Monster.
Kyle,"Ike, you're okay."
Stan,"Whoa, dude, I guess having a bris isn't all that bad."
Kyle,"Yeah. You know, I've learned something today. Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care about."
Stan,Yeah.
Kyle,And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends. You're my family.  Except for Cartman.
Stan,Naturally.
Cartman,"Eah, screw you guys! I don't wanna be in your penis-choppin' family anyway!"
Mr. Garrison,"And so now, children, your school counselor is back, to tell you firsthand about his nasty experience with drugs and alcohol."
Mr. Mackey,"Okay, kids? Uh, you shouldn't do drugs, m'kay? Drugs are bad. You see, I was at the bottom of the barrel. I was a wreck; why, I didn't even care about money. I was-I was wasting my life..."
Cartman,"Hey, you guys wanna come to my bris tomorrow?"
Stan,"You can't have your bris tomorrow, Cartman, that's when I'm having mine."
Cartman,"No way, I set up mine first, hippie!"
Mr. Mackey,"Now boys, you need to listen up, m'kay? Wha-what I'm talkin' about might save your life someday, m'kay?"
Stan,"Okay, Mr. Mackey, okay?"
Mr. Mackey,M'kay.
Kyle,M'kay?
Mr. Mackey,M'kay.
Cartman,Okay?
Mr. Mackey,"Okay.  Now, as I was sayin, uh... drugs are bad. You shouldn't do drugs. Eh, uh if you do them, you're bad. Because drugs are bad, m'kay? It's a bad thing to do drugs. So-uh so don't be bad, by doing drugs, unkay? That'd be bad, 'cause drugs are bad. M'kay?"
Chef,"Okay, children, it's Friday, and you know what that means for PE class. We're gonna play dodgeball!"
Kyle,We don't wanna play dodgeball. It hurts.
Stan,Yeah.
Chef,So let's have half the children on this side  and half the children on that side.
Pip,"Uhh... Excuse me a moment, gentlemen. I don't believe I know how to play dodgeball."
Cartman,What? Don't you have dodgeball in France?
Pip,"Well, no. And actually, I'm not from France--"
Stan,"Look, Pip, the rules are simple. A kid from that team is gonna try to bean a kid on our team in the head with a big red ball."
Pip,"Oh, dear."
Stan,"If the ball hits you, you're out, but if you catch the ball, he's out, and the last team to still have anybody standing wins."
Pip,"Oh, what jolly good fun!"
Kyle,"No it isn't, it hurts! I can't believe they let us play this in school."
Chef,Play ball!
Clyde,Ow! Ahow-ow-ooooowww!
Stan,"Dammit, we lost one already!"
Chef,"Aheeheh, you're out, Clyde! Heheheh."
Stan,"Jordan, Swanson, pull forward! We need backup!"
Jordan,Aagghhh!
Stan,We're losing men fast out here!
Chef,Concentrate on your ge-hame! Be the buhaw-hall!
Kyle,I caught it! I caught it!
Chef,"Great catch, Kyle! Now your team's on offense!"
Kyle,"Here, Pip, you throw."
Pip,"Ugh... Oh, no, I couldn't."
Kyle,"Come on, limey, don't be a wuss! Are you just gonna be a little French pig your whole life?"
Pip,I'm not French--
Kyle,"Throw the ball, you stupid frog!  God-damn, maybe if you didn't eat all those croissants,  you'd be able to-- Ow!"
Chef,"Okay, that was pretty good, Pip, but you're supposed to hit the kids on the other team."
Kyle,"Ow, my nose! You broke my nose!"
Cartman,"Damn, Pip. I didn't know you had it in you."
Pip,Ogh! I'm dreadfully sorry!
Chef,"That nose is bleeding pretty bad, Kyle. I think you might have to go to the nurse's office."
Kyle,"No. No, it'll be okay!"
Chef,"Sorry, son. You'll have to let the nurse look at it. Come on."
Kyle,Oh-- Noooo!
Cartman,Dude! He's going to the nurse's office.
Clyde,I heard the school nurse is hideously deformed.
Bebe,I heard she has tentacles and eats children for lunch.
Cartman,"Stan? Has anybody actually seen the nurse, and come back to tell about it?"
Stan,"No, Cartman. Nobody ever has."
Nurse Gollum,Are you Kyle Broflovski?
Kyle,Ye-yes.
Nurse Gollum,I'm the school nurse. Did you hurt your nose?
Kyle,Ye-yes.
Nurse Gollum,"Young man, Why do you have your eyes closed? I'm not gonna hurt you."
Kyle,I know.
Nurse Gollum,So open them.
Kyle,Oh!  Phew.
Nurse Gollum,"Now, what seems to be the problem?"
Kyle,"Aw, I just hit my nose playing dodgeball."
Nurse Gollum,"Oh. Well, I'll get you an ice pack."
Kyle,AAGGGGGHHHH!!
Nurse Gollum,What?
Kyle,OOOOOHHHHH MY GOD!!
Nurse Gollum,"Oh, I see you've noticed my disorder. I have a stillborn fetus growth attached to my head."
Kyle,AAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
Kyle,"...And when she moved up and down, the little fetus jiggled."
Boys,Eewwww!
Cartman,"Did it talk? The little fetus, did it talk?"
Kyle,No. No-it looked dead.
Boys,Eewwww!
Stan,Wa-was it wearing clothes?
Kyle,"Dude, where is she gonna get fetus clothes?"
Stan,"Oh, yeah. Eeww."
Boys,Eewwww!
Kyle,And then she walked over to--
Sheila,"Kyle! That is enough! I've been reading up on your poor nurse's condition, and it is nothing to be made fun of. It's called ""conjoined twin myslexia""."
Cartman,"Who the hell cares what it's called, as long as she doesn't have to touch me."
Sheila,"Now, that's just the kind of unawareness that we need to fight against. Sit down, boys.  You see boys, sometimes, when babies are born, they're born as twins. But sometimes the twins get hooked together, and they're born as Siamese twins."
The Boys,Gross!
Sheila,"But sometimes, after the Siamese twins are joined together, one of the twins dies before birth. The living baby is born with the dead baby still attached.  Sometimes, this dead twin is inside the living person, so even you could have a dead twin inside you and not even know it!"
Stan,AGGGGGGHHHHHH!
Cartman,AGGHHH! Let me live! AGGGHHH!
Sheila,"So now that you're educated about her disease, you won't need to make fun of her. Right, bubbe?"
Kyle,Uhhhh... Yeah.
Sheila,"Can you imagine that poor, poor woman?"
Gerald,Mm-hmm.
Sheila,"Feeling like an outcast, being ridiculed every day..."
Gerald,Mm-hmm.
Sheila,Hello?
Sharon,"Hello, Sheila? It's Sharon, Stan's mother."
Sheila,"Oh, yes. Hello, Sharon."
Sharon,"Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick?"
Stan,No! I have to get it out!
Sheila,"Well, Sharon, I was just trying to educate them about conjoined twin myslexia."
Sharon,So this is your fault.
Stan,ARRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!
Randy,"Damn it, stop.  Oh!  Damm it!"
Sharon,"Would you do me a favor? Next time you want to scare the hell out of my child, just go outside and sit in the road until a truck runs you over instead?"
Sheila,That does it! I must educate the entire town about this awful disease!
Gerald,Mm-hmm.
Stan,"Dude, I don't get it. Why are we playing dodgeball again?"
Cartman,Yeah. I thought we only played on Fridays.
Chef,Children! Great news! We've been asked to play in the State Finals for dodgeball!
All,Awww...
Stan,"Aw, do we have to?"
Kyle,Can't we just play with that big parachute again or something?
Chef,"You-you don't understand, children. If we can win State, we can play in the Nationals in Washington, D.C.!"
Cartman,Heyh! They have a zoo there!
Chef,"That's right! Now, come on! We have a lot of practicing to do!"
Stan,Aren't we supposed to have won something in order to go to State Finals?
Kyle,"Hey, Pip. Do you wanna be on my team again?"
Pip,I'd love to!
Cartman,"Now, let's try not to send anyone to that monster nurse this time, Frenchy."
Pip,"Hey! I get quite disturbed when you call me that! You shouldn't make fun of foreigners.  And besides, I hate French people."
Principal Victoria,"Well, Mrs. Broflovski, it certainly is a thrill seeing your cheery face again. What seems to be pissing you off today?"
Sheila,Nothing is pissing me off! I just wanta start a movement.
Principal Victoria,O-of course you do.
Sheila,I want to talk to you all about your school nurse.
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, Nurse Gollum is absolutely qualified to be a--"
Sheila,"No, no no. I'm not upset about her. I want to make the public aware of her. Her disease should be brought to light so that it can be understood rather than made fun of."
Principal Victoria,"Oh, and uh, what disease is that?"
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, Principal Victoria, Nurse Gollum has conjoined twin myslexia."
Principal Victoria,What's that?
Sheila,She has a dead fetus attached to her head.
Principal Victoria,She does?
Mr. Mackey,Y-you never noticed that?
Principal Victoria,"No-o, I never did."
Sheila,"Well, that's exactly what I'm talking about. This poor woman is forced to live in the shadows because she feels like an outcast. It is up to us to make her feel comfortable and welcome in our town!"
Principal Victoria,"Did you say a fetus, sticking out from her head?"
Sheila,I want to invite your nurse to a dinner party at my house this evening. I'd appreciate it if both you and Mr. Mackey would attend.
Mr. Mackey,Do we have to eat kosher stuff?
Principal Victoria,"Well, I'll talk to Nurse Gollum, but I'm sure she'll be delighted. Let's say around 8?"
Sheila,Wonderful!
Principal Victoria,"Now, you did say she has a fetus on her head?"
Chef,"Okay children.  Now, who's gonna win the State Finals?"
Clyde,Denver?
Chef,"Here we go Ca-ows, here we go: Unh, unh!Here we go Ca-ows, here we go: Unh, unh!I think we need to get off on this exit."
Mrs. Crabtree,"SIT DOWN, KID!!"
Chef,But it's quicker to get to the Denver school that way!
Ms. Crabtree,DO YOU WANT AN OFFICE REFERRAL?!
Chef,"How many times do I have to explain this to you?! I'm not a student! You can't give me an office referral, and-!"
Ms. Crabtree,I SAID SIT DOOWWN!!!
Chef,"Yes, ma'am."
Stan,"Whoa, dude, this is a school?"
Bob Thomas,"Hello, there. I'm Bob Thomas, the coach for the Denver Cougars."
Chef,"I'm Chef, coach of the South Park Cows."
Bob Thomas,"Well, I certainly want to thank you for bringing your team down. Apparently, nobody else would play us, because they knew we'd just beat 'em silly. So I told the school board to find me some hick school from the mountains, and here you are.  You're from South Park, yeah?"
Chef,Yeah.
Bob Thomas,"My G-hod, amazing where people can live nowadays. Well, we might as well get this over with; we've gotta start thinking about D.C. Promise we won't make it too painful."
Referee,Play ball!
Sheila,"So, uhh, where did you get your degree, Nurse Gollum?"
Nurse Gollum,Colorado State.
Sheila,Ahhh.
Principal Victoria,Oh.
Gerald,"Sheila, could you pass me the dead fetus?  I mean, gravy.  Ow!"
Black boy,Ow!
Chef,"Dammit, come on!  Somebody catch the ball!"
Bob Thomas,"All right, boys, just five more of the little bastards to go!"
Cartman,"I caught it, I caught it!"
Player 1,"Oh, that's not fair! He's so fat, it stuck in his belly!"
Referee 2,South Park on offense!
Chef,"Great job, children! Just stay focused now."
Kyle,"Go for it, Pip."
Pip,"Oh, bother."
Kyle,"Come on, you Frenchy little frog!"
Pip,Gagghh!
Chef,"Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Great shot, Pip!"
Principal Victoria,"Ehsooo, I hear that the South Park Cows are playing for the State Finals in dodgeball tonight."
Mr. Mackey,"Yeah, but you know, it-it doesn't matter though. The-the Denver team always wins, m'kay?"
Gerald,"Oh, I don't know. I think our boys might just have the dead fetus to win-- Heart!"
Sheila,Gerald!  Keep your damn mouth shut!
Nurse Gollum,"I-it's okay, Ms. Broflovski. Really."
Sheila,"Please forgive us. I-I'm terribly sorry, Nurse Gollum."
Nurse Gollum,"No, I'm quite secure with it."
Sheila,I have felt so bad ever since I heard the boys making fun of you--
Nurse Gollum,They're just young boys. Joking is a way for them to come to terms with what they don't understand.
Mr. Mackey,Could I get some more pork?
Principal Victoria,"So did you ever think of just, you know, having it cut off?"
Nurse Gollum,"Yes, Principal Victoria, the thought had occurred to me. Unfortunately, it would mean my death."
Principal Victoria,"Ooohh, so I suppose that's out. Uh-how about a hat, then?"
Nurse Gollum,"No, really, I don't need a--"
Sheila,"Yes, we could get you a few hats and wear a different one every day. No big whoop."
Nurse Gollum,"I really appreciate what you're trying to do here, but it's not necessary. I'm a pretty happy person."
Sheila,I've got it! We could set aside a whole week to make the public aware of folks just like you.
Principal Victoria,"Ooohh, yeess, a Conjoined Twin Myslexia Awareness Week. You know, that has a nice ring."
Nurse Gollum,But I really don't think--
Mr. Mackey,"Th-the school could put out pamphlets, m'kay? And we could have seminars to educate, m'kay?"
Sheila,"Ooooh, this is so exciting! I'm gonna get the mayor on the phone right now!"
Chef,"You got just one more, Pip. You get this kid, and we are State Champions."
Cartman,"Yeah, and if you don't, you're a big dumbass European hippie piece of crap."
Kyle,"Get him, Frenchy!"
Pip,Gaagghh!
Referee 2,South Park wins!
Chef,"We did it, children, we did it! We're going to Washington, D.C.!"
Player 6,"Uh-hu-hu-hu-howieee!  Ihit hurhurts! Howieee!  Mommy, it huurts! Ihit hurhurts!"
Chef,"Oh, sorry about whoopin' your ass there, Coach!Ooo, baby, come onJust whooped Denver's assGonna need some cream for your assIt's all swollen and red"
Mayor,"Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed a great week for South Park. Ms. Hermans has opened the east wing of the library, and our own South Park Cows Elementary School Dodgeball Team is going to the national finals;  where they will undoubtedly be beaten senseless by the Washington team.  But most importantly, this week has brought to my attention a very serious and dreaded disease: conjoined twin myslexia. And so it is in honor of this that I declare this exciting week as Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week!  And now, let's kick off our weeklong festivities with the first annual Grand Conjoined Parade!  Let's hear it for these brave souls!  What a glorious parade that was! Let's hear it for the parade coordinators!"
Nurse Gollum,"You know, Mayor, I really should be accompanying those kids to Washington in case they get hurt. That is my job."
Mayor,Nonsense. This is your week. You aren't going anywhere.
Chef,"How much further is Washington, D.C.?"
Mrs. Crabtree,"SIT DOWN, KID!!"
Chef,"I need to know how far it is, lady!"
Mrs. Crabtree,I SAID SIT DOWN!!!
Chef,"Yeah, whatever, you old, dried-up, fat hog."
Mrs. Crabtree,WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Chef,"I said, ""I've always wanted to visit Prague."""
Mrs. Crabtree,"Oh, me too."
Stan,"Okay, what have you got?"
Kyle,"Some hadka fish, some gafagga..."
Cartman,I got a jelly roll! I got a jelly roll!
Stan,Sweet! A jelly roll is perfect!  Places!
Ms. Crabtree,ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!
Kids,Whoa!
Kenny,(Sheesh!)
Chef,"Damn, man. This is the big time, alright."
Stan,"Chef, we're hungry."
Chef,"You can eat after the game. You children win this one, and you're National Champions! Then you can go on and play the Chinese."
Cartman,My mom says there's a lot of black people in China.
Chef,What?
Referee,Are you Chef?
Chef,Yeah.
Referee,"The Washington team has forfeited the game. Congratulations, you're national champions."
Chef,"What? We did it! Children, we won!"
Kyle,"Wow, that was easy."
Announcer,"Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear a round of applause for the new national champions of dodgeball, the South Park Cows!"
Kyle,"Hey, why did you guys forfeit?"
Player,You mean you don't know?
Kyle,Know what?
Player,Last year's national champions were the Austin Pirates. They played China for the world championship. Only four of them came back alive. Chinese dodgeball players aren't like us.
Master,Bush langli. Woon taun. Waya ching gia!
Player,"They do nothing but dodgeball, day in, and day out. They use steroids and advanced training equipment to make them, not kids, but animals.  Well, good luck. We've got our futures to think about."
Chef,"Okay, children, back in the bus."
The Mayor,"And so, at this honorary dinner we take a look back at our beloved Nurse Gollum and the brave life she has lived. Roll the tape, please, Mr. Garrison."
Nurse Gollum,"Oh, no..!"
Singer,"You've got the strength, you've got the courageEven with a dead fetus on your headYou carry onYou fight for tomorrowDead fetus or no, you never let goYou're my conjoined-twin-dead-thing-hanging-off-your-head woman"
The Scenes,"She's painting her house orange, and annoyed that Garrison is filming it.She looks out the window, and is annoyed that he is still there, filming.She's in her office.She's at the supermarket, annoyed, she's trying to cover the camera lens so Garrison would stop filming.At the post office, she's trying to shoo him away, she's very angry that he's filming her.She's on the toilet, and she clamps her legs shut, with hands before them for added security. She's outraged."
Barbrady,"Oh, that was so touching."
The Mayor,"And now, friends, it's time to present the Lifetime Conjoined Twin Achievement Award. This award goes to outstanding conjoined twins who have made a mark on society. And the winner is..."
Nurse Gollum,Nurse Gollum.
The Mayor,Nurse Gollum!!
Nurse Gollum,"Oh, boy."
Jimbo,"Excuse me, Mayor, but I just received some news that you might all be interested in.  Our South Park Cows have just beaten the Washington dodgeball team, and are on their way to the world championship in China."
Chef,"Okay, children, now, we're almost to China. I want you all to try and focus on your game."
Stan,"But Chef, we don't wanna play the Chinese!"
Chef,"Nonsense! If we win this one, we're world champions."
Kyle,But we could get killed!
Chef,"And just what price would you pay for eternal glory?  Just imagine: a big yellow ""Dodgeball Champions"" banner hanging in the cafeteria! Imagine it!"
Stan,"Dude, Chef has lost it."
Chef,"You'll be in the news all over the world. South Park will finally have a sport that it's good at. Ohh, children, it'll be glorious!"
Cartman,"So, Captain Ahab has to get his whale, huh?"
Kyle,"Dude, what does that mean?"
Cartman,I dunno.
Stan,"Hey, isn't that kid Kevin Chinese?"
Kyle,"Yeah, you're from China."
Kevin,"No, I'm from America. My parents are Chinese."
Stan,Tell us how the Chinese play dodgeball!
Kevin,"I have no idea, dude."
Cartman,"Come on, rice picker!"
Chef,"Hey, hey hey!  Children, that's not cool! You don't make fun of somebody because of their ethnicity."
Stan,You don't?
Kyle,"But Chef, you just ripped on Chinese people."
Chef,"No, no, no, no, no, that's different. I made fun of them because they are from China. You see, it's not okay to make fun of an American because they're black, brown, or whatever, but it is okay to make fun of foreigners because they are from another country."
"Stan, Kyle",Ohhh.
Cartman,"Oooh, I get it."
Kevin,Yeah.
Mrs. Crabtree,AAAGGGGHHHH!
Chinese Commentator,"Hiit ita wita great pride, that huwe huwelcome ourn American friend. Now let the  champion of dodgeball be deshide!"
Stan,"Damn, dude. China's fucked up."
Referee,Take places!
Chef,"All right, let's go, Cows! Let's show 'em what we've got!"
Chinese Commentator,"Okay, Tom, rooks rike A-mericans are getting ready to play. I don't suppose they'll have any problems seeing the ball with their big American eyes!"
Tom,Yeah. Good thing they have those big eyes so that they don't have to rery on that amazing American interrect.
Chinese Commentator,"Oh, you say such things."
Tom,That's a zinger!
Referee,Praaayyy braal!
Chef,Holy crap..!  God damn...
Chinese Commentator,"Hey, hey, what do you call white American person with PhD in a physics and-a math?"
Tom,"Ah, I don't know. What?"
Chinese Commentator,Stupid American!
Tom,"Aw, no way!!"
Chinese Commentator,"Oooh, another American is down! It's numbuh-- uuhhh... Oh, I don't know. All American look alike!"
Stan,"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!"
Kyle,You... bastards...
Chinese Commentator,"Oooh, my, I haven't seen an American die like that since Abraham Lincoln!"
Tom,"Dude, that is-a not cool! You're gonna get us into trouble again."
Mayor,"Ladies and gentlemen, on this fourth day of Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week, all our prayers are with our little South Park Cows now playing their hearts out in China.  Now, join me in saluting our Cows and help make Nurse Gollum not feel like an outcast with our first official Conjoined Twin Myslexia hats!"
Chinese Commentator,And there is-a only a one South Park prayer left.  Still all Chinese prayer. This should be over veerry shortly.
Chinese kid,Come on! Throw ball!
Tom,"Hey, you wanna hear my impersonation of American?"
Chinese Commentator,"Yeah, yeah!"
Tom,"Ah, okay.  Hey, I really, really want that. That looks good."
Chinese Commentator,"Hey, hey. Let me try, let me try.  I'll use my credit card.  Eh-eh-uh... Do you have any non-dairy creamer?"
Tom,"Yes yes!  Y'all come a-back now, you hear?"
Chef,"Oh, what have I done?  You know, Eric, I just realized something. I have been obsessed, and obsession isn't good.  If we had won the world championship, what then?  It would only be a bigger letdown the next year if we didn't win! Our lives would have to revolve around dodgeball. Our lives were fine before.  Oh, I'm sorry, children. I let it all go to my head. Can you ever forgive me?  Come on, forget this stupid game. Let's go home."
Chinese kid,Come on! Throw ball!
Kevin,"Hey, if you wanna make him throw the ball, say this."
Player 70,"Thanks, you American dumb-ass!  ""You French piece of crap! Throw ball!  What's the matter, Frenchy? You got crepes in your ears."""
Pip,Arrggghhh!
Chinese Commentator,And the winner is South Park Cows!
Pip,"Everyone! Everyone, look! I won the game! We're world champions! Mr. Chef, Mr. Chef. South Park is the world champion in dodgeball. Oh, glorious day!"
Chef,"Shut up, Pip."
Stan,"Yeah, shut up, Pip.  Can we go home now?"
Pip,Did you all see? I can't believe I threw such a ball with my own arm. It was--
"Kids, Chef","Shut up, Pip!"
The Mayor,"As this year's Conjoined Twin Myslexia Awareness Week draws to a close, I would like to personally thank all of you for your enthusiastic cooperation.  Now, let's hear it one more time for our world champion South Park Cows!"
Kyle,What the hell is everyone wearing on their heads?
Mayor,"And now, let's hear from the woman of the week! The incredible, courageous Nurse Gollum!"
Kyle,Agghh!
Stan,"Dude, it's the freak nurse!"
Cartman,Holy crap!
Sheila,"Dammit, Kyle! We've been working all week against that kind of behavior!"
Kyle,"Well sorry, dude, we weren't here."
Nurse Gollum,"Thank you, Mayor. I uhhh, wa-I... I don't know what to say; this has been quite a week."
Sheila,She's really touched.
Nurse Gollum,"What I really wanna say is... well, -egh-- This may sound odd coming from a woman with a fetus sticking out of her head, but... you're all a bunch of freaks!"
Mayor,"Uhhh, freaks with big hearts! And now--"
Nurse Gollum,"Don't you realize that the last thing I ever wanted was to be singled out?  I just wanted to do my job and live my life like any normal person, but instead you've made everybody focus on my handicap all week long.  Look, I don't want to be treated different. I don't want to be treated special orh-or treated gingerly. I just want to be ridiculed, shouted at, and made fun of like all the rest of you do to each other.  And take those stupid things off your heads!"
Principal Victoria,"Oh, my, what an ungrateful bitch."
Sheila,"Yeah, the nerve of some people."
Kyle,"Hey, you know, that nurse is actually pretty cool."
Stan,"Yeah, maybe that dead fetus makes her smarter."
Cartman,"I love you guys.  Ah, screw you guys(!)"
Announcer,"And now back to Huntin' and Killin with South Park's favorite hunters, Jimbo and Ned!"
Jimbo,"Hi, I'm Jimbo Kern, and this here is Ned. Say hi, Ned."
Ned,"M-hi, Ned."
Jimbo,"Arrgh-ha-ha-ha! Now, isn't that great?  We have a terrific show for you today: we're gonna kill some elk, and we're gonna kill some mountain goats. Now, the new law passed by Colorado legislature, which Ned and I call ""Pussy Law #4"", states that we can no longer kill animals in defense.(""PUSSY LAW #4""NO ANIMAL SHALL BE HARMED,EVEN IN SELF DEFENSE, UNLESSSPECIFIC LICENSE AND SEASON ISIN ORDER. SELF DEFENSE CAN ONLYBE JUSTIFIED BY EXTREME, PROVABLEPERIL AND OR DOCUMENTED VISIBLEBODILY HARM.)In other words, our old line of, ""It's comin' right for us""--"
Ned,It's comin' right for us.
Jimbo,"--no longer works. So now, we only kill naimals to, quote, ""thin out their numbers"". If we don't hunt, then these animals will grow too big in number and they won't have enough food. So you see, we have to kill animals, or else they'll die.  Uhh... So roll the tape.  Here we are at Shafer's Crossing, lookin' for some animals."
Jimbo,"Lookie, Ned, there's some deers!  Quick, Ned! Thin out their numbers!"
Ned,Thin out their numbers!
Jimbo,"Good work, Ned. Now they won't starve."
Jimbo,That sure was a great hunting trip. We saved those deer from extinction.
Ned,Mmm-we're environmentalists.
Jimbo,"Comin' up next, we're gonna drop some napalm on an unsuspecting family of beavers. And also, try to thin out the numbers of some endangered species."
Cartman,"Mr. Garrison, what's Vietnam?"
Mr. Garrison,"""What's Vietnam?"" A question a child might ask, but not a childish question. Heheheheheheheheheh. Children, for the next few days, we'll be learning all about Vietnam. Chances are that somebody in your own lives was affected by this incredible war."
Mr. Hat,"That's right, Mr. Garrison. The Vietnam War was sticky and icky."
Kyle,"Mr. Garrison, were you in Vietnam?"
Injured Man,Aaawwwgh... Aaawwwgh...
Leader,"Come on, men! Let's go! Jump out of the chopper!"
Man 1,Who's next to take a shower?
Man 2,Me-ee!
Man 3,I am.
Man 1,"You just took one last week, silly."
Man 2,"Oh, where can I hide this big pipe?"
Mr. Garrison,"No, I wasn't in Vietnam, but sometimes, I like to pretend I was. Anyway, children, I'm going to assign you all a paper."
Class,Awww..!
Cartman,Son of a bitch.
Mr. Garrison,I want you all to find somebody in your own life who was in Vietnam and interview them about it.
Clyde,What if we don't know anybody who was in Vietnam?
Mr. Garrison,"Then you get an F, fail the third grade, and have to get a job cleaning septic tanks to support your drug habit."
Clyde,Oh.
Stan,"Dude, my uncle Jimbo was in Vietnam."
Kyle,"Hey, yeah! He and Ned do that stupid TV show."
Jimbo,"And now, time for Jimbo's Mysteries of the Unexplained.  One of our loyal viewers from South Park sent us some 8mm film of what he claims to be the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka. Now, as you all know, the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka can supposedly kill you with one horrid gaze. If a person even so much as looks into the frog's eyes, they can be paralyzed, or even die. And this film proves that that frog may very well exist.  Now watch carefully, you're gonna see the Mexican staring frog.  There! There, did you see it? Roll that back again!  Now, freeze it!  Well, I'd like to know what all you skeptics have to say now! What do you think, Ned?"
Ned,"M-whoa, I'm scared."
Jimbo,"Well, be sure to join us next time. Until then...We're so glad you spent your time with usWhile we slaughtered our way through nature's gutsCome again and stay a whileWe'll kill a lot more living things to make them bleed"
Ned,Mm-good night.
Cameraman,"A-and we're cut. Great show, guys."
Jimbo,"Oh, lookie who's here. My little nephew Stanley.  So, you're interested in your Uncle Jimbo's big TV show, huh?"
Stan,No. We have to do a stupid report on Vietnam. You and Ned are the only guys we know who were there.
Jimbo,"Oh. Yeah, we sure were."
Cartman,Was it fun?
Kyle,Cartman! What kind of stupid-ass question is that?! Of course it was fun!
Jimbo,"Well, sure, Vietnam was fun. But not like goin-to-the-circus fun, or fly-fishin-in-Montana fun. No, Vietnam was more like shovin' shards of broken glass up your ass and then sittin' in a tub of Tabasco sauce fun."
Stan,Whoa!
Jimbo,"Yepper, that's where me and Ned met."
Jimbo,I remember I had just gotten off the Ferris wheel.
Jimbo,"Oh, boy, what a gorgeous day!"
Sergeant,"Kern, get over here! The new privates are here. I'm assigning one of them to you as a trainee. Ned Gerblansky."
Ned,"Ned Gerblansky reporting, sir."
Sergeant,"Thanks, Ned. Now, the bad guys have been spotted about ten klicks north of here. I know that you and Kern are best suited to take them out. Are you up for it?"
"Jimbo, Ned","Sir, yes, sir!"
Jimbo,Soon it was all on just me and Ned to win the war for America.
Jimbo,"Pass me some more cocoa, will you, Ned?"
Ned,Certainly. And would you like another muffin as well?
Jimbo,"Why the hell not? We're at war.  Hey, you know those things are bad for your throat."
Ned,"No, that's all lies. I'll be fine. Charlies at 2 o'clock!"
Jimbo,I see 'em! Drop the bomb!
Ned,The bomb's not releasing!
Jimbo,"Oh, no!"
Ned,It won't budge.
Jimbo,Then we only have one option.
Ned,"What are you doing, man?!"
Jimbo,"We have to take 'em out, Ned! At all costs! Die, you red commie bastards!"
Ned,Yaaarrrggghhh!!!
Jimbo,"Aaarrrggghh-- Oh no! Out of ammo!  We did it, Ned! We killed the entire Vietcong Army!"
Ned,Whoopie.
Jimbo,Let's get back to base camp. We can ride the log ride before it closes!
Jimbo,"And that's the way it happened, boys."
Stan,Wow!
Cartman,"Man, Vietnam was sweet!"
Cameraman,"Great news, guys. Your TV show ratings have doubled!"
Jimbo,Wow!
Cameraman,They've gone from six people to twelve.
Jimbo,Holy smokes! We could get an Emmy!
Producer,"We've got to do it, J. Your ratings are being killed by the Jimbo and Ned Hunting Show."
Jesus,But I don't really care about that.
Producer,"Wuhell, you'd better care, Mr. Smarty Pants. No ratings means no show. If you want to keep reaching out to people, you have to keep up with the times."
Jesus,"Ohh, alright."
Cameraman,"Alright, we're ten second to air, guys."
Producer,"Remember, big, big, big!"
Cameraman,"And five, four, three..."
Announcer,"It's your hour of power on midday Mountain Cable Access. Put your hands together and welcome the only man in town who always has a fully-stocked wine cellar, Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-sus Christ!"
Jesus,"Uhhh... Hi.  Uh, yeh-yeah, okay. Beginning today, we're taking the show in a new direction.  We've got some very interesting people coming on the show this week for you, our viewers. Today's guest is: TV's Gilligan, Mr. Bob Denver."
Announcer,Here's  Booooobbb Denver.
Jesus,"Hi, Bob Denver."
Bob,"Hi, Jesus. Great to be here."
Jesus,"So. Bob. So, yu-you just get in town?"
Bob,Yup. Just got in.
Jesus,"So... Um... Su-so, wwhat have you been up to?"
Bob,Nn-nothing. Nothing really at all.
Disciples vocalist,Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'  You gotta have something
Jesus,Oh boy.
Stan,"""...and after killing the entire Vietcong Army, they returned to base camp.  Once there, they rode the Devil's Drop roller coaster  and ate cotton candy. And ultimately, Ned got the Purple Heart for his courageous defense of the log ride.  So was the horror of Vietnam."" The end."
Boys,The end.
Kyle,"Are there any questions?  Yes, Mr. Garrison?"
Mr. Garrison,Yes.  Where the fuck did you hear this ridiculous load of bullshit?
Stan,From Vietnam veterans.
Mr. Garrison,"Well, boys, it's obvious to me that you didn't do your work, and that you stayed up all night thinking up some ridiculous lie."
Stan,"No, no, we didn't--"
Mr. Garrison,You all receive an F... minus.
Kyle,F-minus? Can he do that?
Stan,"Bu-but we're not making it up, it was--"
Mr. Garrison,"Stanley, the Vietnam War was war! There weren't galloping steeds or singing birds or log rides."
Kyle,How do you know? You weren't even there.
Mr. Garrison,"Well, that's it! All of you have detention for the rest of the week!"
Boys,Aawwww!
Cartman,Sweet.
Mr. Mackey,"Welcome to detention, m'kay? Mr. Garrison told me about your little joke. It's important for you all to know why you're in detention for you to obtain the full benefits from it."
Cartman,"You're dead, Stan."
Stan,"For what, dude?"
Kenny,"(Just face it, dude, your uncle's stupid!)"
Mr. Mackey,"You're here because you are inferior, m'kay? You are here because you are awkward, m'kay?"
Cartman,"Well, Stan, thanks a lot for having such a cool uncle that got us all detention for a week."
Kyle,"Yeah, dude, your Uncle Jimbo sucks ass!"
Mr. Mackey,Shh! M'kay?
Stan,Why would he just invent a story instead of telling us the truth?
Cartman,"Well, let's see... Maybe 'cause he's an old, drunk hillbilly dick!"
Mr. Mackey,Shh! M'kay?
Kyle,"We've got to get him back, dude."
Cartman,Totally.
Stan,How?
Kyle,"Well, he screwed us by makin' something up; I say we do the same thing."
Stan,"Well, what do you mean?"
Kyle,Did you guys ever see that one Brady Bunch where the guy...
Cartman,"Sweet. Oh, yeah, sweet. That's super sweet. Ah-yes!"
Announcer,"And now back to Huntin' and Killin'  with South Park's favorite hunters, Jimbo and Ned!"
Jimbo,"Welcome, hunters. Boy, have we got a show for you today! We have just received a tape from another viewer who filmed the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka right here in South Park."
Ned,Aggghhh!
Jimbo,"Yes, now we're about to roll the film, but remember: if you look the Mexican staring frog in the eyes, you could go catatonic. We don't know if this applies to pictures of the frog or not, but who wants to take chances? So when we roll this film, be sure to look away.  Okay, roll the film, Tom.  Is it over? Okay, it's over.  Well, there you have it. Undeniable proof that the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka exists."
Jimbo,"And you saw it here, on The Jimbo and Ned Show."
Kyle,"Dude, I can't believe they fell for it!"
Stan,"Yeah, what a couple of dumb-asses."
Kenny,"(Yeah, it's like killing a dead pig and a turkey.)"
Stan,Yeah.
Kyle,Come on! We've gotta make another one!
Cartman,Lying kicks ass!
Producer,Jesus!
Jesus,Yeah?
Producer,We're in trouble. The Jimbo and Ned Show made up some ridiculous staring frog story and jumped another two points in the ratings!
Jesus,"Uh-oh, sssooo what are we supposed to do?"
Producer,"I don't know. We'll have to continue with the changes we've made, and then go even further."
Stage Hand,"And we're back in five, four, three..."
Producer,"Remember, big, big, big!"
Jesus,"If you're just joining us, we've been listening to Michelle's incredible story of survival. Go on, Michelle."
Michelle,"Well, as I was saying, I tried and tried, but my overturned car just won't budge. My husband was trapped for twelve hours."
Jesus,"And yet, somehow, he managed to survive."
Michelle,"That's right. He's a very brave man, and I love him very much."
Husband,"I love you, too."
Jesus,"W-well, let's see if the audience has any questions.  Yes, uhh, you over there."
Large Woman,"I think she needs to kick him to the kerb, baby!"
Jesus,Kick who to the kerb?
Large Woman,Her no-good husband! She's got to lose that zero and get herself a hero!
Jesus,But--
Red-Haired Woman,"He wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He's got to dump that trash girlfriend.  It's all about respect. You've gotta have respect for yourself."
Jesus,"Uuh-I think we've somewhat missed the point here. Let's go to somebody else.  Yes, your comments."
African-American,"Montel, I think we're forgetting something very important in all of this. Okay, sure, he touched some children, but the man is a great singer and he has entertained us for so many years."
Jesus,Wha-what are you talking about?
African-American,"Michael Jackson. All this baad-mouthin' and puttin' the man down. Maybe he did touch some children now and then, but come on! It's Michael Jackson! Michael Jackson!"
Jesus,"Uhh, we'll be back right after these messages."
Stan,"Ready, you guys?"
Kyle/Cartman,Ready.
Stan,Okay. Action!
Cartman,Blululululululuh. I am the deadly Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka. I am very scary... And dangerous!
Stan,Cut! Cartman!
Cartman,What?
Stan,It's supposed to be a frog!
Cartman,I know that!
Stan,"Since when do frogs talk, Cartman?"
Cartman,It's a Sri Lanka frog!
Kyle,"Der, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Der yourself, hippie!"
Kyle,"Just do it again, Cartman, and don't make it talk!"
Stan,"Okay. Here we go. Ready? Are you ready, Cartman?"
Cartman,"I'm ready, Steven Spielberg!"
Stan,Action!
Cartman,Blulululuh. Screw you guys.
Cartman,"Well, why do I have to dress up like an old lady?"
Kyle,"'Cause old ladies are fat and you are, too!"
Cartman,Ee-goddammit!
Stan,"Come on, Cartman, the way we're filming this, nobody will even know it's you."
Cartman,They better not!
Stan,"Okay, when I yell ""action"", you start to walk this way,  then Kenny's going to pull the plastic frog in front of you, and you have to be scared."
Cartman,Scared of a plastic frog?
Stan,"It's acting, Cartman. You have to pretend you're really scared, then the Mexican staring frog will look you in the eyes, then you fall down, like you're dead, okay? Ready?"
Cartman,"Man, this is stupid."
Stan,Good. A-and action!
Cartman,Eee-ee-ee-ee!
Jimbo,"Well, it appears as though a lot of you ""skeptics"" thought that the film we showed of the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka was a fake. That you say it didn't harm anybody. Well, it just so happens that we just received another film from another anonymous viewer.  Roll it!  There you go! Proof that not only is this frog real, but it is doing harm to the people of South Park as we speak!"
Ned,Mmmm-damn that frog.
Jimbo,"Well, that does it! All this week, Ned and I will be--"
Jimbo,"--risking life and limb as we go on location to hunt the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka. Join us, won't ya?"
Producer,"Ooh, no, no, no, no!  This is the biggest publicity stunt I've ever seen! Damn, those hunters are clever!"
Jesus,"Uhhh, clever?"
Producer,"It's genius, it really is. Hell, I even want to watch them hunt the Mexican staring frog. Unless..."
Jesus,Unless what?
Producer,"Unless we can prove to the world that the whole thing is a sham. If we prove that the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka is just something..made up by Jimbo and Ned, we can have them taken off the air. Perhaps even killed!"
Jesus,"Look, why don't we just stick to our own show? People will watch again."
Producer,"Oh, J. You are so omnipotent, and yet so naive. We'll launch a full investigation, and in the meantime, we can cash in on the video tapes."
Jesus,What video tapes?
Jesus,"Yea, children. I am the way and the light..."
Announcer,"You've seen Jesus and Pals. Now you've got to get the video! Jesus and Pals: Too Hot for TV!  Things get a little out of control!  You won't believe your eyes!  Order now, only $19.95!  Remember, this is stuff you can't see on TV!"
Jimbo,Anonymous tip?
Tom,"Yeah, it was left on our answering machine. All it said was that they saw the Mexican staring frog just south of Stark's Pond this morning."
Jimbo,"Hey, Ned. Remember that time when we got the anonymous tip back in 'Nam?"
Tom,You were in 'Nam? Where were you stationed?
Ned,Mmm-Da Nang.
Cameraman,With the log ride?
Jimbo,Yep.
Tom,"Man, I was in Tet. We had a bad-ass roller coaster, but... all we ever wanted was a log ride. We waited and we waited, but... they never built us one. I think..Danforth wanted the log ride more than anybody, but he... he had to settle with that lame dinosaur water adventure ride."
Jimbo,That war was hell on everybody.
Producer,"Good. Okay. Okay, bye! Good news, everybody. This week's ratings are through the roof! We're up to twenty people!"
Jimbo,Wow! Do we got more money?
Producer,"No, but I do. We're now the highest-rated show on Mountain Cable Access! God bless the Mexican staring frog!"
Kyle,"Dude, they're gonna look so stupid."
Cartman,"Dude, totally."
Stan,"They deserve it for lying to us, dude."
Cartman,"Revenge is so very, very sweet."
Stan,They're here! Hurry and hide!
Jimbo,Let's hunt!
Producer,We'll start with a two-shot of you and Ned getting your equipment together and--
Ned,"Mm-Jimbo, look!"
Jimbo,Hit the deck!
Producer,What is it?
Jimbo,It's him! The Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka. He's right over there on that rock.
Producer,He is?
Jimbo,"Dumb-ass! You've got to keep your eyes away from him!  Stay down. Ned, you take flight position; I'll try and keep it turned away from you."
Ned,Mm-roger that.
Jimbo,"Hello, fellow hunters. Have we got a show for you today.  The Mexican staring frog is sunning itself on a rock directly behind us.  We've got to take the frog by surprise. I'm gonna create a diversion using this incendiary device  while Ned will ambush him from the rear.  Now, Ned! He's not looking!  Quick, Ned, hit him with the shotgun! Now, Ned!  Ned. Ne-ed?  Oh, no!  Come on, Ned, buddy, snap out of it!  Come back to me, buddy."
Producer,You getting all this?
Jimbo,"Hold onto your butts.  Take that, you demon frog!  Ned, Ned? Can you hear me?  Quick! Somebody, call an ambulance! This man is catatonic!"
Producer,Get the Flight for Life helicopter!
Stan,"Holy crap, dude."
Jimbo,"...""but Ponyboy was beat up pretty bad. He kept saying, 'stay gold.'""  Aw, Ned. If you can hear me, y-you've got to snap out of it, 'cause if you don't, uh-I'll never forgive myself.  Aw, Stanley, he's gone! My only friend in the world is gone!"
Stan,"Dude, he's okay. That frog wasn't even real!"
Kyle,Look!
Jimbo,Aghh! What the hell are you doing? I almost looked right at it!
Stan,"Dude, it's just a plastic frog; it's not real. Check it out!"
Jimbo,What..?
Stan,We shot all those videos and sent them in.
Kyle,"Yeah, we made the whole thing up. It was all just a really, really funny joke!"
Jimbo,You sent in those videos?!
Producer,"Oh, this is not good."
Jimbo,"My best friend is a vegetable, and I'm gonna be the laughingstock of South Park!"
Kyle,"Aw, come on. Ned's faking it. That frog was just a piece of plastic!"
Stan,"Yeah. Come on, Ned. Quit fakin'."
Jimbo,You boys don't understand. Ned was so freaked out by the idea of the Mexican staring frog that he must have sent himself into a deep coma.
Jesus' Producer,It's a psychosomatic response.  I couldn't help overhearing your conversation just now.
Kyle,Who are you?
Jesus' Producer,"I produce a little TV show called Jesus and Pals, you might have heard of it. Your story is amazing; full of jealousy, duplicity, backstabbing and bitterness."
Jimbo,Uhhhh... Thanks?
Jesus' Producer,How would you like to share your remarkable story with us on tomorrow's show?
Jesus,"We're back with Jimbo and his nephew, Stan. These kids can't stop lying, can't they?"
Jimbo,"That's right, Jesus. No respect for their elders. As some of you may know, I host a local show on hunting.  Thanks. We've been hunting the Mexican staring frog for a week based on some video footage we received from a viewer. Well, it turns out that these kids faked the footage!"
Jesus,"Is that true, Stan?"
Stan,It was just a joke; we didn't think it would hurt anybody.
Jesus,"Uhh, we'll find out more about this debauchery when we return."
Cameraman,A-and we're out.
Producer,You're corpses out here! We need a lot more action from everybody!
Jimbo,Like what?
Producer,"Like, go ahead and tell how your nephew Stan takes drugs and worships Satan."
Jimbo,Satan. Got it.
Stan,"Whoa, I don't take drugs and worship Satan! That's lying!"
Jimbo,"Give you a taste of your own medicine, you little fibber!"
Producer,And you kids! I didn't bring you on this show to be boring. Somebody get pissed off and throw a chair at Ned here.
Cartman,Dibs!
Producer,"Remember, you all start to fight after the chair is thrown. That's your cue."
Jimbo,Roger.
Jesus,"Welcome back to Jesus and Pals. Jimbo, why do you think little Stanley lies?"
Jimbo,I'll tell you why. Because he's on drugs and worships the devil!
Audience,Jeesus! Jeesus! Jeesus!
Jesus,"Wow. Now, Stanley, it sound like your uncle is really worried about you."
Stan,"Well, I only..did it 'cause... he..molested me."
Jimbo,"Why, you little piece of crap!"
Stan,You big piece of crap!
Cartman,"That's it! Now I'm all pissed off!  Take that, hippie!"
Jimbo,Hey!
Audience,Jeesus! Jeesus!
Jesus,"O-okay, okay, that's enough."
Woman,"Take that, you asshole!  What the fuck was that?"
Jesus,"Uh, let's watch the language, people."
Jimbo,"Bring it on, you bitch!"
Cartman,"Ey, get off of him, you fuckin' nutsack!"
Audience,Jeesus! Jeesus! Jeesus!
Jesus,Let's all just..make our way back to our seats.
Kenny,(Nononono-yikes!)
Man,"Yeah, yeah, yeh-oh?"
Stan,"Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny!"
Kyle,You bastards!
Cartman,"Ey, you guys!"
Jesus,Let's all just..make our way back to our seats.
Woman 1,"Oh, my God!"
Woman 2,Nooooo!
Jesus,"Shut the fuck up!  Jesus, what is wrong with you people?! Look around you, Stanley. Look at all the pain and suffering your lie has caused."
Stan,"W-we only did it because Jimbo lied to us first. We had this report on the Vietnam War for school, and we interviewed Jimbo about it and he made up all this stuff about Vietnam, and he got us in trouble."
Jimbo,"Hey, now. Everything I told you boys about the war actually happened."
Stan,Mr. Garrison said that there was no way that you could have defeated the entire Vietcong Army by yourself.
Jesus,The entire Vietcong Army?
Jimbo,"I uh... Well, okay, I might have embellished the truth a little, but that's different."
Jesus,Is it?
Jimbo,"Well, sure. I mean, eh...  Well, no uh, I guess not."
Jesus,"And as for you, Stan uh, I think you need to kick your drug habit and--"
Stan,"Wait a second, I don't take drugs! That was a lie!"
Jesus,Wait. Jimbo made that up?
Stan,"No, your producer did.  She made Jimbo tell everybody that I did drugs."
Jesus,What?
Stan,"During the break. Your producer came over, and told Jimbo what to say about me. She told him to lie!"
Jimbo,"It's true, she did. Hu-I'm such a tool."
Jesus,"Oh, really?"
Kyle,Yeah! Then she told us to throw a chair at Ned!
Cartman,"Yeah. I didn't wanna do it, Jesus. They made me do that."
Man in Brown Shirt,Screw this show. I thought this was all real.
Jesus,"W-wait, everybody. Come back."
African-American,"Don't feel too bad, Montel. We all want to touch children sometimes; it's only natural."
Jimbo,"I'm sorry, Stan. I was just trying to tell a good story. I never meant for you boys to get in trouble."
Stan,"W-we're sorry, too, Uncle Jimbo. We're sorry for making you look stupid in front of the whole world."
Kyle,Yeah. And we're sorry for turning Ned into a vegetable.
Jimbo,"Aw, he'll be fine. I'll just take him home and show him some good hard-core porn, he'll snap right out of it. Won't you, Ned?"
Jesus,I want to apologize to all of you for what happened in there. In our competition for ratings we lost sight of why we got into show business in the first place.
Jimbo,Yeah. Titties and beer.
Jesus,"Actually, I was referring more to the pursuit of truth, but—Well, anyway, I can't wait to get back to my old show without all the glitz and the ratings and producers and--"
Kyle,Wait a sec. Where is your producer?
Jesus,I sent her away.
Cartman,Sent her away where?
Producer,What is this? What's happening?!
Satan,Welcome to my dominion.
Producer,Oooooohhhh!
Saddam Hussein,"Hey. Take a load off. Put your feet up. Me and Satan were just aboot to go shopping for furniture. Come on, Satan."
Satan,"Okay, honey."
Producer,Noooooo!
Ms. Crabtree,BE QUIET BACK THERRE! THESE ROADS ARE SLIICK!
Stan,"Hey, Cartman!"
Cartman,What?
Stan,Are you gonna share any of that cake with the rest of us?
Cartman,"Hmmm, let me see. No!"
Kyle,"Come on, fatass! You shouldn't be eating all that cake anyway!"
Cartman,Mmm. It's chocolaty and delightful.
Stan,"Give us some, Cartman!"
Ms. Crabtree,BE QUIET BACK THERRE!
Kyle,"Whoa, dude. The road is really snowy out there."
Stan,"Dude, the road is always snowy."
Kyle,"I know, but, it's really snowy today."
Cartman,"Mmm. I can't possibly finish this whole cake. Oh, yes I can."
Stan,"Shut up, Cartman!"
Ms. Crabtree,"Okay, that does it! Y'all be quiet or the cute little bunny dies!"
Stan,"Dude, she always tries to quiet us down by threatening to kill that bunny, but I wonder if she ever would."
Kyle,"Oh, she would, dude. She would."
Ms. Crabtree,"GOODD!  OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!"
Stan,"Come on, fat boy, give us some cake now."
Cartman,"I can not possibly eat one more bite of its chocolaty goodness. Oh, but but but, but I'll try."
Kyle,"Dammit, Cartman, you are such a fat fuck!"
Ms. Crabtree,WHAT DID YOU SAY?!  Whoa oh.  Hold oonn! Aaaaa!
Kids,Aaaah!
Kyle,I'm scared!
Ms. Crabtree,"BE QUIET, KID!"
All,Aaaah!
Guide,...Aand right up here you can see a red-bellied chickadee. They're indigenous to this area.
The Kids,Aaaah!
Wife,What was that?
Guide,What was what?
All,Aaaah-
Cartman,All done!
Ms. Crabtree,"SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!  I SAID 'QUIET,' OR ELSE I KILL THE BUNNY!"
Stan,Where are we?
Ms. Crabtree,I have no idea.
Stan,I don't think we're in a very safe spot.
Kyle,"Yeah, what are we supposed to do?"
Ms. Crabtree,Just keep your trap shut. I'll consult the manual.
Cartman,Ms. Crabtree?
Ms. Crabtree,"SHUT UP, KIID! I HAVE TO WATCH A TRAINING VIDEO!"
Trainer,"Welcome to tape 7 of the bus driver's video guidebook. What to do if you become stranded. By now you've calmed down the children and kept order by using the 'keep quiet or I'll kill the bunny' technique. Now, it's time to get help. The most important thing to remember is that the children will be safe as long as they stay on the bus. So do not, under any circumstances, let any children off the bus. The best way to achieve this is to tell them something like, 'A big scary monster will eat you if you step off the bus.'"
Ms. Crabtree,"KIIDS, DO NOT GET OFF THIS BUS. IF YOU DO A BIG SCARY MONSTER WILL EAT YOU!"
Trainer,"That's right. With the children properly subdued, you can leave the bus and go out looking for assistance. And remember your bus driver's code: 'Sit down. And shut up!'"
Ms. Crabtree,"I'm goin' for help. Ah'll be back as soon as I can. Remember. Don't get off this bus, or a big scary monster WILL EAT YOU!"
Boy In The Red Shirt,"Hey, why doesn't the scary monster eat her?"
Kyle,"'Cause, dombass, scary monsters don't eat big fat smelly bitches!"
Ms. Crabtree,WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Kyle,"I said, 'Larry King won't grant me three wishes.'"
Ms. Crabtree,Oh.
Stan,"Dude, this is not good! She could've at least kept the heat on."
Ms. Crabtree,"Had to happen to me, didn't it?"
Truck Driver,"Lookin' for love in all the wrong placesLookin' for love in too-Whoa uhih, it's supper time. Come to poppa.  Whoa uh heh hello, little lady-yeh. Goin' my way?"
Ms. Crabtree,SHUT UP AND HELP ME INTO THIS THIING!
Truck Driver,Whoa. Hehum huh.
Ms. Crabtree,Yeah!  COME ON! I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY!
Truck Driver,"Uh huh. Alright, sure, of course."
Ms. Crabtree,"TAKE ME TO THE NEAREST TOWN AND MAKE IT SNAPPY, YOUFREAK-ASS CRACKPOT!"
Truck Driver,"Uuuh, yeh, yes ma'am. Righta right away, ma'am.  So uh... Uhwhat's a- fragile little doe like yourself doin' out on a, on a night like this?"
Ms. Crabtree,"LOOK, MISTER, I GOT A BUSLOAD OF KIDS TRAPPED UP ON THAT PASS! I NEED A CRANE, HELICOPTERS, ALL THAT CRAP! HERE, LET ME HAVE SOME O' YOUR ASPIRIN!"
Truck Driver,"Uh uh- ma'am, those are actually roofies."
Ms. Crabtree,"ROOFIES, ASPIRIN, RIGHT NOW I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS!  HOW FAR TO THE NEAREST TOOWWN?!"
Truck Driver,Mm-... mm-it's a ways.
Cartman,"You guys. What if Ms. Crabtree doesn't come back, and we're all trapped here forever."
Kids,What? Huh?
Kyle,"We couldn't get trapped here forever, Cartman. We'd die after a couple of days."
Stan,Dude!
Kyle,What?
Cartman,I don't wanna die on this- bus with you assholes!  You guys suck!
Stan,Would you just relax? We've been in a lot worse situations than this and come out of it just fine.
Kyle,Worse than this?
Stan,"Well sure. Don't you remember that time that the aliens kidnapped your little brother Ike? Now, that was scary."
Cartman,"Oh, man, this sucks."
Kyle,How come the visitors aren't coming for him.
Stan,I think we have to signal them somehow.
Cartman,Ow!
Wendy,"Hey, he's like Rudolph."
Kyle,"Yeah, all you have to do is fart some more, Cartman! And the visitors are sure to come!"
Cartman,"Really? Uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight."
Kyle,Sure you do!
Stan,"Come on Cartman, fart!"
Cartman,I don't wanna.
Stan,He can't hold it in forever.
Kyle,"Fart, damn you!"
Cartman,"Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?!"
Kyle,"Whoa, look at that."
Cartman,It's completely immature!
Stan,"Hey, it's happening again.  It's a ice cream truck. Now do you believe this, Cartman?"
Cartman,You guys can't scare me!
Stan,"Cartman, there's an ice cream truck sticking out of your ass."
Kyle,"Hey, look. The aliens are getting ice cream."
Stan,Wow! I guess everything's going to be okay.
Wendy,Mmmm.
Stan,"Now, that was what I call a sticky situation."
Kyle,You can say that again.
Cartman,Was that how it happened?
Ms. Crabtree,"STOOPP! LET ME OFF, YOU TURD!"
Truck Driver,"Hey. Uh I wanna help you. Uh, I care a lot about that bus full of uuh- what was it again?"
Ms. Crabtree,Children.
Truck Driver,"Yeah right. Leh, let me come with you."
Ms. Crabtree,WHO- WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAAP?!
Carrot Ass,"I hate flyin'. Talk about somethin' I hate, it's flyin'."
Truck Driver,"Say uuhh, are those roofies kickin' in yet?"
Ms. Crabtree,"WELL, I DON'T THINK SO!"
Truck Driver,Damn!
Carrot Ass,D'you guys like impressions?
Patron,No!
Carrot Ass,"Here's my impression of Robert De Niro.  Hey, youse. Youse guys. Shut up, youse!"
Ms. Crabtree,YOU SUUCK!!
Carrot Ass,"Youse guys, shut up!"
Ms. Crabtree,SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!
Carrot Ass,"Come on, lady. Iii love you. You love me."
Ms. Crabtree,"I SAAIID, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!"
Talent Scout,"Baby, you're wonderful! You're a natural! You're the funniest comic I've seen in yeauhs!"
Ms. Crabtree,WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP. I'VE GOT TO GET SOME ASSISTANCE FOR MY BROKEN-DOWN BUUSS!!
Talent Scout,Broken-down bus! That's great! Great angle!
Stan,Do you see 'er dude?
Kyle,Nope.
Cartman,"God-dammit, how long is this goin' to take?"
Boy In The Red Shirt,She's never coming back. Don't you get it? She left us here to die like pigs.
Kyle,"Calm down, dude. You're upsetting Kenny."
Kenny,(Huh?)
Boy In The Red Shirt,I can't take it anymore! I have to get out of here!
Stan,"No, kid! You heard what Ms. Crabtree said: there's a big black scary monster out there!"
Boy In The Red Shirt,"Ehah! Well, I'm not gonna sit here and wait to die with the rest of you! If I can make it back, ah-I'll send help."
Kyle,"Don't do it, kid."
Stan,Hmm. Maybe Ms. Crabtree did make up that stuff about the big black monster.
Boy In The Red Shirt,Nooooo-agh!
Kyle,"Holy crap, dude!"
Bebe,Gross!
Stan,"Well, I guess nobody else will be getting off the bus."
Liane,Hello?
Sharon,"Oh, hello, Ms. Cartman. It's Sharon, Stan's mother."
Liane,"Oh yes, Sharon. How are you?"
Sharon,"Ms. Cartman, is your son at home?"
Liane,"Hu-old on, dear, let me check.  Hon, I made beefy logs.  I made Cookie Dings.  No, he's not here."
Sharon,"Well, now I am worried. I've tried all the houses and nobody knows where they are."
Liane,"Oh, dear!"
Talent Scout,"I'm telling you, Marty, this woman is a natural! I haven't seen a funnier person since Maury Povich."
Marty,What's her angle?
Talent Scout,I can't even explain it. You have to see it.
Marty,"Alright. Well, this better be good."
Talent Scout,"Come on in, come on in."
Ms. Crabtree,"WHUAT THE HELL DID YOU BRING ME TO DENVER FOR, YOU BRAIN-DEPRAVED FECOPHILIAC?!"
Talent Scout,"Mr. Jonus, this is Mrs. Crabtree."
Marty,Pleasure to meet you.
Ms. Crabtree,YOU LOOK LIKE A LUMP OF DOGSHIT JUST GOT HIT BY A CAR!!
Talent Scout,What did I tell you?
Marty,"She's fantastic. How would you like to make a million dollars, baby?"
Ms. Crabtree,HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY ASS?!
Marty,Let's get started right away.
Truck Driver,Are you gonna be all right?
Ms. Crabtree,DON'T TOUCH ME!
Truck Driver,Uh ah-I'm sorry. Do you need anything?
Ms. Crabtree,No. I just...
Truck Driver,What?
Ms. Crabtree,I can't help but feel that I've forgotten somethin'.
Stan,What time is it?
Kenny,(Almost 7:30)
Kyle,On Wednesday or Thursday?
Stan,"Dude, I think it's Saturday now."
Cartman,What?! I'm missing the new Fantasy Island.
Kyle,"Aw man, I don't think it's very safe to be on this bus."
Stan,"Well, we can't go anywhere or else that big scary monster outside will get us."
Cartman,What do you think it is?
Stan,"I don't know, it's- a big scary monster."
Kyle,"Hey. Maybe it's that thing, Scuzzlebutt."
Stan,What?
Kyle,Don't you remember? That time we were out hunting with your uncle Jimbo and Ned.
Boys,Aaaaaa!
Jimbo,The lava's comin' right for us!
Cartman,Heellp!
Jimbo,"Jimminy Hope, it's the real Scuzzlebutt!"
Cartman,What?! Scuzzlebutt's real?!
Kyle,Oh my God! Look at his leg!
Brent Musberger,"Hi kids, I'm TV's Brent Musberger."
Kyle,Dude! He got Brent Musberger for a leg!
All,Aaaa!
Jimbo,"Quick Ned, shoot it!"
Ned,"Mmm. Oh no, out of ammo."
Stan,"Hey, look!"
Scuzzlebutt,Grrrr.
Kyle,Dude! He's making ice cream.
Cartman,Scuzzlebutt kicks ass!
Kyle,"Now, that's what I call a sticky situation."
Stan,"Okay, so we can agree that the monster outside can't be Scuzzlebutt, because Scuzzlebutt's nice."
Cartman,"Hey. Maybe it's our teacher, Mr. Garrison."
Kyle,"Don't be stupid, Cartman. Our teacher wouldn't be out lying in the forest waiting to kill us!"
Cartman,"Oh no? Don't you remember the time he went crazy, and tried to kill Kathie Lee Gifford?"
Mayor,Here she comes!
Mr. Garrison,Come on you little bitch.
Mayor,It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park.
Kathie Lee,Thank you.
Stan,"Mr. Garrison, stop!"
Mr. Garrison,Leave us. We must finish what we have begun.
Wendy,But Mr. Garrison!
Mr. Garrison,She's not really Kathie Lee Gifford. She's some kinda alien.
Kathie Lee,Thank you. And I love you all.
Alien,Naawwr!
Mr. Garrison,"See, I told ya."
Wendy,Mmmm.
Mayor,"Wow, this is gonna put a damper on the day.  Let's have ice cream, everyone!"
Cartman,Beefcaake!
Cartman,"Now, that's what I call a sticky situation."
Stan,"But the monster outside couldn't be Mr. Garrison, 'cause Mr. Garrison used a gun."
Cartman,"Oh, yeah."
Announcer,"Live from Burbank, it's The Tonight Show, with Jay Leno. Tonight, Jay's special guests include: Washed-up Actress from a sitcom. And the comedy of Mrs. Crabtree. And now, here's your host, Jay Leno."
Talent Scout,"Just relax, sweetheart, you're gonna kill out there."
Ms. Crabtree,KILL WHO?!
Talent Scout,Huh that's great. Use that.
Truck Driver,"Honey du-, do you need anything?"
Ms. Crabtree,JUST GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE OF THEM ROOFIES.
Truck Driver,Sure.
Mr. Mackey,"Oh oh okay? Let's try to calm down, nkay? This type of thing happens all the time."
Sharon,What do ya mean?! How often does an entire third-grade class go missing?!
Mr. Mackey,"Well, 99% of the time, when a child is missing, it's because they've run away. M'kay?"
Sharon,Run away?
Sheila,"Oy, I knew I shouldn't have made Kyle eat that gefukahukah."
Randy,How do we get our runaway children back?
Mr. Mackey,"Well, we just need to make some posters, nkay? Hand out brochures, onkay? That way, the public can know what the chldren look like and can call in if thry're spotted, m'kay?"
Sharon,Let's get started right away! They could be halfway to L. A. by now.
Sheila,It's only a matter of time before they're selling their bodies and buying smack.
Man 1,"Come on, everybody!"
Man 2,We've got to find those kids!
Man 1,"If we all put our heads together, we can find them!"
Man 2,We can do it!
Man 3,Hi.
Stan,What was that?
Kyle,What was what?
Stan,"Dude, I think the scary monster is right outside the bus!"
Kyle,What could it be? If only we knew what we were up against.
Kenny,(Hey you guys. Remember when Terrance and Phillip was off the air?)
Kyle,"Hey yeah, I remember that."
Kenny,"(All I know is that it was a loong time ago, and Death was chasing us on a bicycle down the street.)"
Kids,Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!
Marvin,Come back here you pompousy son of a pansy!
Kids,Aaaah!
Kyle,Don't let him touch you! You die if he touches you!
Marvin,Come over here you son of a whore!
Kenny,"(Take... that!)  (You dick! That is for me, and that, that and that, that and that, that, that, that!)"
Stan,Oh my God! Kenny- killed... death!
Kyle,You... bastard?
Kenny,(Heheheh. Now that's what I-he call a sticky situation!)
Stan,"Yeah, but the monster outside couldn't be Death, because Death only touches you, it doesn't eat you."
Kenny,"(Oh, yeah)"
Kyle,"Well, who really cares what that monster is outside? As long as we stay on the bus, it can't hurt us. Right?"
Kids,AAAAH!
Kenny,"(Uh oh. Hey uh, you guys! Help me doooowwwwnnnn! Heeyy, you guuuuyyyyys!)"
Stan,"Oh my God, it's killing Kenny!"
Kyle,You bastard!
Stan,"Hoh boy, we're in big trouble."
Cartman,Hey you guys. Can we order a pizza?
Ms. Crabtree,"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ALL STARIN' AT?!  STOP LAUGHING, YOU WHORES!!  I SAID, SHUT UP!!"
Jay Leno,Let's hear it for Ms. Crabtree. What an up-and-comer!
Truck Driver,"Well. That was great, ma'am."
Ms. Crabtree,Was it? Does it even matter?
Truck Driver,Wwhat do ya mean?
Ms. Crabtree,"Success is hollow, Mitch, hollow like a dead tree. I think it's time for me to give it up."
Truck Driver,Are you sure?
Ms. Crabtree,Ah-I'm sure. Let's get a cup of coffee.
Cartman,I wonder when the monster is gonna come back to feed again?
Kyle,We've just gotta stick together.
Stan,Yeah. There's got to be a way out of this.
Cartman,"Hay, wait a minute."
Stan,What?
Cartman,Remember the time when Fonzie jumped over the buses with his motorcycle?
Joanie Cunningham,"Go, Fonzie!"
Fonzie,Eeeeyyyy!
Cartman,"You can do it, Fonzie."
Stan,"We believe in you, Fonz."
Fonzie,Eeeeyyyy!
Kenny,"(Hey, that freakin' bike-!)"
Fonzie,Eeyy!
Stan,Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!
Kyle,You bastards!
Cartman,"Now, that's what I call a sticky situation. Uheheheh, heh."
Stan,"You dumbass, Cartman! That's not the way it happened!"
Kyle,"Yeah, dude! Kenny just died eight hours ago from that monster! How could he have died back then, too?"
Cartman,"Oh yeah, I guess that doesn't make sense."
Stan,Oh no!
Kids,Aaaah!
Kyle,What are we gonna do?
Kids,Aaaah!
Stan,"Now we need more weight in the back.  No, that's too much!"
Kyle,There.  I think we got it.
Stan,"I don't know how much longer we can keep this up, dude."
Kyle,Don't worry. Everything's gonna work out. It always does.
Cartman,It does?
Kyle,Sure. Remember that time that that kid in the red shirt decided to go off on his own?
Boy In The Red Shirt,"Ehah! Well, I'm not gonna sit here and wait to die with the rest of you! If I can make it back, ah-I'll send help."
Kyle,"Don't do it, kid."
Stan,Hmm. Maybe Ms. Crabtree did make up that stuff about the big black monster.
Boy In The Red Shirt,Nooooo-agh!
Kyle,"Holy crap, dude!  Hey look! He's got ice cream!"
Kids,Hooray!  Yea!  Aaah!  Yea! Ha ha.
Kyle,"Now, that's what I call a sticky situation."
Ms. Crabtree,"Wow, this is gorgeous. I don't think I've ever seen anything so beautiful."
Truck Driver,"From a distance, this place looks like a cold, damp marsh. But once you get inside it,  you realize that it has an inner beauty, far surpassing others.  Thank you for sharing your time with me, Ms. Crabtree."
Ms. Crabtree,Please. Call me Muffin.
Truck Driver,"I'm having a nice time, Muffin."
Ms. Crabtree,"Me too, Marcus. I've forgotten all about my cares in the world."
Cartman,"Aw damn, man. Now I'm missing the new Barnaby Jones."
Kyle,"Hey. Ms. Crabtree had that little TV, for the trainng video? Maybe we can watch TV on it."
Stan,Hey yeah!
Tom,"...And all over America, kids are turning to the streets and running away. Tonight, a very special message from the parents of some runaway children, in hopes that their young will hear their cries."
Randy,"Hello, Stanley. It's me, Poppa.  Gosh, your mother and I miss ya. And I hope that... wherever you may be, you'll hear this message. Little lamb, you're lost in the great big worldRunaway, findin' streets so cold"
Kyle,Du-hude! Your dad's a retard!
Gerald,"Please come home, Kyle. You left home lookin' for somethin' new. But all you need is right here waitin' for you"
The Parents,"Runaway, come home. We love you just as you are.Runaway, come home. We're sorry things went this far."
Stan,"Dude, did it ever occur to them to just look for us?"
Clyde,I hope my dad doesn't sing.
Cartman,Hey! Do you guys remember the time I found out who my father was?
Stan,"Boy, do I!"
Mephesto,"Oh. As I said before, the father is somebody in this room. The father is... John Elway."
Cartman,Sweeeeeett!
John Elway,Uh oh.
Cartman,"This kicks ass, you guys! John Elway is my father! My father is John Elway, my father is John ElwayDeedun, Deedun."
John Elway,"Come on, son. I'll buy you some ice cream."
Cartman,"Now, that's what I call a sti-"
Kyle,Wait a minute. I though your father was your mother 'cause she had a penis.
Cartman,"What?! Eeyy, you son of a bitch! I'll kick you in the nuts!"
Stan,"Cartman, no!"
Kids,Aaaaaa!
Stan,The bus is going over!
Kyle,Oh no!
Kids,Aaaaa. Aaaaaaa.
Kids,Aaaaa!
Stan,Hey! We've landed in ice cream!
Kids,Hooray!
Cartman,"Wait, wait wait wait. This doesn't make sense. This whole thing doesn't make any sense. I must be-"
Cartman,"Deah, eh eh.  Oh man, what a weird dream!"
Liane,"Ah-are you okay, hon?"
Cartman,"Ma? I just dreamt that me and Stan and Kyle and Kenny were trapped on our bus, and we were talking about everything that happened to us, except that it was all wrong and everything ended with us eating ice cream."
Liane,Oh. Well. Would you like some beetles for breakfast?
Cartman,"Yes, please."
Liane,Mmmm.
Cartman,Mmmm.  Mmmm.
Liane,Mmmm. Beetles are good with ice cream.
Stan,"GAAA-uh.  Ugh. Oh, dude. What a nightmare."
Kyle,Hello?
Stan,"Dude, I just had the weirdest dream."
Kyle,Really?
Stan,"Yeah, I dreamt that Cartman dreamt that we were all trapped on a bus, and then he dreamt that we were talking about things that had happened, only they were all wrong, and, and then he and his mother ate beetles."
Kyle,Dude. That's a pretty fucked up dream.
Stan,"Yeah, I must be having some real emotional problems."
Kyle,Hey. Me and Cartman and Kenny are going down to Happy Burger. Do you wanna come?
Stan,Sure. I definitely don't wanna sleep anymore. See you later.
Ms. Crabtree,"I want to thank you for making me feel alive again, Marcus."
Truck Driver,Ms. Crabtree?
Ms. Crabtree,What is it? What's wrong?
Truck Driver,You realize I can't stay. None of this is real: it's... it's all been a little eight-year old's dream.
Ms. Crabtree,"Oh I know. I know, Marcus. But let me just pretend as long as I can."
Truck Driver,Sure.
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, now I know that today is the last day of school, and that the last day of school involves pranks, but this is going too far! What have you done with Mr. Hat?  Children! I want Mr. Hat back, right now!  The prank is over!  You think I can't get along without Mr. Hat, don't you? You think I can't live without him? Well, I can! He's just a puppet. I don't need him. You see? Watch.  God damn it! Where the fuck did you put Mr. Hat?!"
Kids,Yea--
Mr. Garrison,"Oh no, you don't! The school year is over, but summer vacation doesn't start for you little bastards until Mr. Hat is back on my desk!"
Kids,Awww..!
Mr. Garrison,"Now, I'm going to turn around, and when I turn back, I expect to see Mr. Hat lying right here!  Okay. I'm going to turn around now.  Shit!"
Pip,Where did everybody go?
Kids,Yea!/Hooray!/Summer!
Mother,"Oh golly, Kevin, honey."
Father,"Good to see you again, son."
Man,Looks like winter's right around the corner. Better get some firewood ready.
Pip,"Oh, happy summer, gentlemen!"
Stan,"Shut up, Pip."
Pip,"Right-o. Uh... Enjoy some of this summer for me, would you?"
Kyle,What do you mean?
Pip,"Well, I have to spend my summer in summer school, because I can't be left alone. You see, my parents are dead."
Cartman,"Your parents are dead? Goddamn, you suck, Pip!"
Stan,"Oh yeah, dude, it's summer. That means we gotta buy fireworks."
Kyle,I saved up enough to buy M-80s this year.
Stan,"I saw in this movie once, where this guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt."
Kyle,Cool! Maybe we can do that to Cartman's cat.
Cartman,"Eeyy! If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants!"
Stan,"Jesus, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Well, I'm just saying na, don't mess with Kitty na."
Stu,"Hi, fellas."
Boys,"Hi, Stu."
Stu,What can I do for you?
Kyle,We wanna buy M-80s.
Stan,The kind that fit in Cartman's cat's ass.
Cartman,"Okay, that's it!  Screw you guys! I'm going home."
Kyle,What a baby.
Stan,"So, we'll have ten M-80s, please."
Stu,"I'm sorry, fellas. Haven't you heard?"
Stan,Heard what?
Stu,All fireworks have been banned in Colorado.
Kyle,What do ya mean?
Stu,It was in the paper this morning.
Kyle,"Dude! Just 'cause some stupid North Park kid blew his hands off, we don't get to buy M-80s?"
Stu,Right.
Stan,How can they do this to us? Doesn't anyone believe in tradition anymore?
Kyle,Yeah. We've been playing with firecrackers our whole lives.
Stan,"Oh gosh, killed Kenny!"
Kyle,Oo bastards!
Stan,"A summer without fireworks is like… I don't know, but it's like-- It sucks ass."
Kyle,"Yeah, now what are we supposed to do?"
Stu,I can still sell snakes.
Stan/Kyle/ Kenny,Awww..!
Mayor,"This is absurd! We need fireworks for our Fourth of July celebration at the lake.  I don't care that some twerp blew his hands off! We've got to have fireworks for our picnic! Hold on, I've got another call.  Hello? No, I don't know where Mr. Hat is! Jesus, Garrison. I've got bigger problems!  Hello, yes? Now what am I supposed to do about our Fourth of July show at the lake? No, I don't want snakes! This is an outrage! Get me the Mayor! I know that, smartass, I was being ironic..!"
Barbrady,"I'm sorry, Mayor, but I couldn't find the little man in the boat."
Mayor,"Well, keep looking."
Barbrady,Oh?
Mayor,This is ridiculous. We can't have a celebration without fireworks. Whoever heard of a Fourth of July picnic with snakes?
Barbrady,"Oh, I like snakes. You light 'em and they grow and grow."
Mayor,"Wait a minute. That's it! I got it! This Fourth of July, South Park will make history by having the largest snake in the world! The press will love it. I'll be on the front pa--  Oooooogh..."
Barbrady,I found him.
Stan,"Man, it's hot out here."
Cartman,What do you guys want to do? We've got the whole summer to play!
Kyle,"Dude, what are we supposed to do? We always just play with fireworks."
Stan,I know! Let's go sledding!
Kyle,Yeah!
Stan,"Come on, Cartman, get on."
Cartman,Stan?
Kyle,"Let's go, dude. We're ready."
Stan,"What the hell are you waiting for, Cartman?"
Cartman,Guys? Don't you notice anything wrong with this picture?
Kyle,Yeah. Your fat ass isn't on the sled!
Cartman,Ugh... Whatever.
Stan,What the hell is going on?
Jimbo,"Hey there, boys!"
Stan,"Hi, Uncle Jimbo."
Jimbo,How come you're not blowin' things up? It's summer.
Kyle,Didn't you hear? They outlawed fireworks 'cause a little boy blew off his hands.
Jimbo,What?!
Stan,"Yeah, they're not even having them at the lake this year."
Jimbo,"Oh my God!  Well, don't worry boys, Uncle Jimbo is on the case.  Buckle your seat belt, Ned."
Ned,Mmmm-where are we going?
Jimbo,"México, my amigo."
Ned,Mmmm-why are we going to México?
Jimbo,"To buy fireworks. Just 'cause some kid blew off his hands doesn't mean the rest of us have to suffer, now, does it?"
Ned,Are fireworks legal in Mexico?
Jimbo,"Hell, everything's legal in México. It's the American way."
Charlie,"At the Dyno Might Firework Company, we have a commitment to excellence.  Our focus is on safety while--"
Mayor,Just cut to the chase and tell us about the snake!
Charlie,"Oh, o-kay.  Let's see...  Now, the disk that we are making is approximately 5,000 times bigger than the average snake."
Mayor,Ooooh!
Charlie,We'll have to fly it in with three Comanche helicopters and lower it onto the ground at the lake.
Mayor,Comanche helicopters...
Charlie,"Then we'll need 57 flamethrowers, all set up around the perimeter of the disk, that are all triggered to fire at the same time."
Mayor,"...flamethrowers, triggered at the same time..."
Charlie,"Once lit, the snake will grow.  And good times will be had by all."
Aide 1,Wonderful.
Aide 2,Spectacular.
Mayor,"Well, you see? Fireworks at the lake will not only go on, but perhaps be the best ever. Wait a minute! We're gonna need an orchestra to play The Stars and Stripes!"
Aide 1,Hey! How about the elementary school orchestra? They had a great version of Mary Had a Little Lamb at their last concert.
Mayor,Yes! Get the school principal on the phone! And we need somebody to dress up like Uncle Remus!
Aide 2,"Uh, Mayor, I think you mean Uncle Sam?"
Mayor,"Of course I do, you fuckin' asshole!"
Kyle,Dusty the dirtball
Stan,Why does everything have to suck so bad in summer?
Kyle,"Hey, look, it's Mr. Garrison."
Mr. Garrison,"Hello, children. How is your summer going?"
Stan,"Summer sucks ass, Mr. Garrison."
Kyle,"Hey, have you found Mr. Hat yet?"
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, that old thing? Why, I almost forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat."
Stan,That's good.
Mr. Garrison,Mr. Hat is just a puppet.
Kyle,Yup.
Mr. Garrison,Mr. Hat isn't real.
Stan,Right.
Cartman,"Hey, you guys, my mom signed me up for swimming lessons at the community pool. You wanna come?"
Stan,"Swimming lessons? Dude, that is the lamest thing I've heard heard."
Cartman,It is not!
Stan,Everyone knows that the first graders pee in the community pool.
Kyle,"Yeah, Cartman, you're swimming around in first-grader pee."
Cartman,I am not swimming around in pee!
Stan,"Whatever, dude."
Cartman,"My mom says that if I take swimming lessons, I could be in the Olympics someday."
Kyle,"Yeah, the Fat Ass Olympics."
Cartman,I'm trying to make the best out of a bad situation! I don't need to hear crap from a bunch of hippie freaks living in denial! Screw you guys! I'm going home.
Stan,"But Cartman, we're trying to--"
Cartman,"Uh, screw you guys. Home."
Stan,"What does he mean, ""living in denial""?"
Kyle,"Dude, it's Cartman. He's just being a dumb-ass like always."
Stan,"There, how does that look?"
Kyle,Like a..big hunk of dirt with a carrot sticking out of it.
Stan,"Uh, crap..!"
Cartman,Eh-eh-eh-eh...
Instructor,"Okay kids, everyone in the pool!  Come on, Eric, we're gonna start now."
Cartman,Nuh-uh.
Instructor,Just jump in.
Cartman,I don't wanna.
Instructor,"It's not gonna hurt ya, hon. Just do it."
Cartman,Egh--
Instructor,"There you go! Now just let the first graders swim by you, and then head towards us."
Cartman,"Huh? First graders?  Awww! Weak! Weak! Oh, y-you sons of bitches!"
Mayor,Where the hell is our firework? We only have 24 hours!
Aide 2,I'm sure it'll be here any second.
Mayor,Shut up!
Aide 2,Copy that.
Conductor,"Okay, children, I'm sure we're a little rusty. Where is Eric Cartman?"
Stan,He's taking swimming lessons.
Conductor,"Oh, dear. How are we supposed to sound good without our French horn section? Oh, let's try some scales first. C scale first. And...  Okay, that was pretty good. Let's play Mozart's Symphony No. 5."
Mayor,"Oh, we're doomed. Our Fourth of July celebration is going to have no fireworks and a bunch of tone-deaf little shits playing.  Wait a minute... It's the snake!"
Barbrady,"Let's move along, people. If you've seen one giant snake-thingy firework, you've seen them all."
Mayor,"Call everybody! The show's back on! Come on, we've only got one day to prepare!"
Jimbo,"Buenos dias, mi amigo. Yo soy un Americano espectacularrr."
Proprietor,¿Qué?
Jimbo,Yo necesito el fireworko spectacularrrr.
Proprietor,¿Necesita usted un cohete grande?
Ned,Nnnn-no moleste el gato spectacularrrr.
Jimbo,"Would you look at that, Ned? That's a Tijuana bottle rocket! These babies have enough power to blast a fiery hole right through the ozone."
Ned,Mmmm-they're spectacularrrr.
Jimbo,"Ned, it's our job to get these to children all over America for the Fourth of July.  We'll be like Santa Claus on Christmas morning."
Ned,Hmmm-bueyno.
Mr. Garrison,Hello?
Caller,"Hello, is Mr. Hat there?"
Mr. Garrison,Is this some kind of joke?
Caller,Yes.
Mr. Garrison,You go to hell! You go to hell and you die! I'm gonna find out who you are!
Caller,"I don't think you can, m'kay."
Mr. Garrison,Goddammit..!
Shari,"So, Lamb Chop, what would you like to do today?"
Lamb Chop,"Well, I'd like to sing you a song."
Shari,"Hey, let's sing one to-gether!"
Lamb Chop,"As long as we're together, we can do anythingWe can take on the whole darn worldWe're happy as clams, with plenty of pearlsThrough thick and thin, we've always been to-geth-er..."
Shari,"Whoa-aagghh! Aagghh! Aggh!  No! Lamb Chop, no!"
Lamb Chop,"Shari, help me... It burns! It burns..!"
Instructor,"Eric, you have to get in the deep end sooner or later."
Cartman,Later's fine.
Instructor,Just do your side stroke.
Cartman,I only know how to do it doggie style.
Instructor,"That's doggie-paddle, Eric. Now come over here!"
Cartman,Can I do it doggie style?
Instructor,"Okay.  That's it! That's it, you can do it!"
Cartman,"Sweet..!  Awww, dammit! Aw, not again!"
Instructor,"Come on, Eric!"
Cartman,No way! Those sons of bitches! I'm going home.
Anchor,"Fourth of July is finally here, and with the state-wide ban on fireworks, people from all over Colorado are flocking to South Park. Here with a special report is a normal-looking guy with a funny name."
Creamy Goodness,"Thanks, Tom. It looks like the firework ban won't be putting a damper on one town's festivities tonight. I'm here at Stark's Pond in South Park, where the crowd of residents and scores of tourists anxiously await the lighting of the largest snake in human history.  Now, as most of you will probably remember, snakes are these little round disks that you light, and they spew out a little snake of black ash. Well, the South Park snake is over half a mile in diameter, and twenty stories high. I'm told that this event won't begin until the sun goes down and night is upon us.  Alrighty then, looks like we're ready."
Stan,"How are your swimming lessons going, Cartman?"
Cartman,Fine.
Kyle,I heard you won't even get in the deep end.
Cartman,"Well, you heard wrong, hippie!"
Mayor,"Ladies and gentlemen, good citizens of Colorado. It's my pleasure to be the first person to wish you all a happy Fourth of July! Let's start with our school band playing The Stars and Stripes!"
Conductor,This is it. And a-one and a-two and a...
Audience,Ooohhhh..!
Mayor,What is fuck is that?!
Aide 2,I think it's The Stars and Stripes.
Mayor,"Oh, hell. Light the snake!"
Audience,Ooooooh!  Ahhhhh!
Jimbo,"Alright, Ned. Now we're coming up to the American border. They can't know that we have fireworks in the trunk. Just let me do the talking.  I guess that goes without saying, doesn't it?"
Guard,"Good evening, gentlemen."
Jimbo,"Hello there, fellow American. We're just anxious to get back to our homeland."
Guard,"Alright, I just need to ask you a few questions."
Jimbo,"Fire away, we have nothing to hide."
Guard,Is anyone other than the two of you traveling in this vehicle?
Jimbo,"No, sir."
Guard,Do you have any firearms or explosives in the car?
Jimbo,"Yes.  I mean, no! No!"
Guard,"Open your trunk, please, sir."
Jimbo,Damn! Damn! I always get that question wrong!
Mayor,"My God, it's beautiful. It never fails to amaze me how I manage to overcome adversity.  Say uh, Charlie, when does that thing die out?"
Charlie,Die out?
Mayor,"Yes, you know, expire, end.  Hello? I'm asking you when it stops?"
Charlie,"Uhhh, I'm not sure; I never made one this big.  I guess we didn't quite think this through, did we?"
Mayor,What?!
Kyle,Dude! That thing is huge!
Stan,"Yeah, they need to shut it off."
Cartman,Hey! You guys are screwin' up the song!
Man 1,Somebody stop it!
Man 2,It's out of control!
Stan/Kyle/ Cartman,Aarrgghh!!
Kyle,Kenny! Watch out!
Kenny,"(Waarrggh!!)  (Dude! You guys, I really, really don't have time to tell you that-- Argghh..!)"
Stan,"Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!"
Kyle,You bastard!
Mayor,"Oh my God!  You tell me, how much longer this thing is gonna last?!"
Charlie,Let's see. A normal-size snake lasts three minutes...
Mayor,So when does it run out?!
Charlie,November. Of next year.
Mayor,"Oh, hell..!"
Creamy Goodness,"Well, we're coming up on nine hours, and the giant snake of South Park shows no signs of stopping. Residents have tried everything from firehoses to yelling at it to make the snake stop, but nothing seems to work."
Tom,"Thanks, Creamy. Police are advising all citizens to stay indoors, not breathe the ashen air, and not ever light any giant snakes in the near future."
Stan,"Man, this sucks."
Kyle,"What should we do, dude? That big snake keeps growing; it's gonna demolish the whole state soon!"
Stan,We should do what we always do. Ask Chef for help.
Cartman,Where is Chef?
Chef,"Baby, you know you're the girl for me-eeAnd all that I want to be-ee-ee is... You and meAnd her; simultaneousYou and me, and you and youSimultaneous lovin', babyTwo or three; simultaneousOoh, that's right... Hello? What? Oh, hello, children. It's a what? A giant snake? Killing everybody?! Growing bigger?! Children, you know I rarely say this but... Well, futch ya. Simultaneous, you and meAnd you and youSimultaneous lovin', babyTwo or three..."
Kyle,What'd he say?
Stan,"Dude, I think he told us to go fuck ourselves."
Cartman,Wow.
Kyle,How is that gonna help?
Anchor,"All over America, the effects of the giant ash snake of South Park can be seen."
Preacher,"Yea, let the spirit of Heavenly Father be blessed upon you."
Assistant,"From this day on, all will be well."
New Mormon,I already feel like things are getting better.
Mr. Garrison,And I can't sleep or think...  Where would he have gone? Why would he leave?
Dr. Katz,"Well um, let me ask you this. Why? Wher-where do you think… Mr. Hat… went?"
Mr. Garrison,"How the fuck should I know? If I knew that, I wouldn't be seein' a fuckin' psychiatrist, would I?"
Dr. Katz,"Well… I guess, I-I see what you're saying. Yeah."
Mr. Garrison,"At first I was sure one of the children took him, but then I remembered that Mr. Hat and I actually had a fight that morning."
Dr. Katz,Um... Ahem...  Are you gay?
Mr. Garrison,What?!
Dr. Katz,It-it's j-just-- It's just a question.
Mr. Garrison,Are you propositioning me?
Dr. Katz,No.
Mr. Garrison,"Well, I can tell that that I am 100% not gay!"
Dr. Katz,"Well, I believe you, I... absolutely believe you."
Mr. Garrison,"Mr. Hat, on the other hand..."
Dr. Katz,Mr. Hat was gay?
Mr. Garrison,Sometimes he fantasizes about same-sex relations.
Dr. Katz,I see.
Mr. Garrison,"Sometimes Mr. Hat liked to pretend he was in a sauna with Brett Favre, and a bottle of Thousand Island dressing."
Dr. Katz,That I did not need to know.
Mr. Garrison,"Well, I'm just sayin'."
Dr. Katz,"Mr. Garrison, I think that Mr. Hat was actually your gay side trying to come out. You see, it's-it's you that's gay, but, but you're in denial, so...you act out your gay persona with a homosexual puppet.  What do you think about that?"
Mr. Garrison,"I think you're the loony one in this room.  Serves you right, you gay-bashing homo."
Jimbo,"Well, Ned, looks like we missed Fourth of July again."
Ned,Mmmmmmm-yup.
Jimbo,Dammit! Those poor kids must have been so disappointed to have nothin' but them stupid wussy snakes to light.
Ned,Mmm-well better luck next year.
Jimbo,"Yeah, you're right. Okay, let's try again."
Ned,Mmmm-is anyone other than the two of you riding in this vehicle?
Jimbo,No.
Ned,Mmmm-do you have any firearms or explosives in the car?
Jimbo,Yes?  Dammit! I got it wrong again! What's the answer again?  Holy smokes! What the hell is that?
Ned,Mmm-it looks like my ex-wife!
Jimbo,"Quick, Ned! This is our chance! The Hummer's outside!"
Brett Favre,Hi. I hasn't seen you in here before.
Reporter,"As more and more cities are affected by the growing ash and the death toll rises to 3,000,  people from all over the country are looking to the Mayor of South Park for answers.  And it appears as if the Mayor is going to explain matters now."
Aide 1,"Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the Mayor of South Park regrets that she cannot be here herself, but she is… sick."
Reporter 2,"""Sick""?! What kind of lame excuse is that?"
Print Reporter,You gotta be kidding me!
Reporter 3,"Oh, this is ridiculous!"
Reporter 4,"Come on, we want answers."
Aide 2,Sh-she's having her period.
Reporter 4,Oh.
Aide 1,"We do, however, have an official statement for all the concerned cities about the matter with the giant snake that we can't seem to put out."
Aide 2,"""We're sorry. Our bad."""
Aide 1,"Thank you, that is all."
Cartman,Okay. No first graders around. I can swim to the deep end.  Yeah... I can do it. I can do it. I can-- I'm gonna make it.
Stan,How many days left in summer?
Kyle,"A lot, I think."
Stan,Dammit! I just want it to snow again!
Kyle,"I don't think it matters, dude. This giant snake is gonna kill everyone soon."
Jimbo,"Buenos gracias, boys."
Stan,"Hi, Uncle Jimbo."
Jimbo,"Oh, now, why the long faces?"
Kyle,We're bored.
Stan,There's nothin' to do.
Jimbo,"Well, I don't think those are problems  that some Tijuana bottle rockets can't solve!"
Stan/Kyle,Hooray!
Jimbo,"Careful with those, now, those are dangerous.  Point 'em away from your eyes, now."
Kyle,Wow! These are huge!
Jimbo,"Aw, look at 'em, Ned. Look how much happiness a little firepower can bring to a child."
Stan,"Hey, look! We blew up the snake!"
Citizen,All the ash from the snake is putting the flame out.
Jimbo,"Well, how do you like that? Bottle rockets saved the Fourth of July!"
Stan/Kyle,Hooray!
Cartman,I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it to the deep end.  I did it! I did it! I made it to the deep end! Hooray for me!
Instructor,The snake's been destroyed.  The pool's open!
Cartman,"Huh?  Oh, no, you sons of bitches! Aww, sons of bitches..!"
Citizen 2,Look! They put out the snake!
Mayor,"Yes! Apparently, my plan to-o blow up the snake worked perfectly."
Kyle,"Hey, look! It's snowing!"
Jimbo,"Well, it's snowing black ash, but what the hell."
Stan,Winter's back!
Mr. Garrison,"Wow, it's a black blizzard!"
Kyle,"Mr. Garrison, where's Mr. Hat?"
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, I'm through with Mr. Hat. He's a two-timin' whore. From now on, children, you're all gonna be learning from Mr. Twig."
Mr. Twig,"That's right, children. I'll see you in the fall."
Stan,"Well, I can hardly wait."
Chef,"Hey, children, everybody! I'm back! I'm back from Aruba! What the..?"
Stan,"Hey, Chef!"
Cartman,How's it going?
Man,"Howdy, Chef. How was your summer vacation?"
Chef,"Okay! E-verbody get in a line, so I can whoop all your asses!"
Robert Redford,"Why do we hold the Sundance Film Festival here, Phyllis? It's so painfully crowded."
Phyllis,"Because. People from L.A. love to come to a quaint little mountain town for a few days, and this gives them an excuse."
Robert Redford,"No, this used to be a quaint little mountain town. Now look at it. Sushi restaurants, upscale clothes stores, $25 parking, Liam Neeson... I tell you, Phyllis, I think we've tapped this town's resources out. We must move the festival to another small mountain town and begin again."
Phyllis,That's not a bad idea. But where?
Man in background,Ching ching cha-ching.
Man in foreground,Whoa.
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children. I have some very exciting news for you... Oo-why don't you tell them, Mr. Twig?"
Mr. Twig,"That's right, Mr. Garrison. The First Annual South Park Film Festival begins today."
Wendy,Wow! Cool!
Kyle,"They're not gonna show that stupid-ass Godzilla movie again, are they?"
Mr. Garrison,"Nono, Kyle. These are independent films."
Stan,"Hoohh, like Independence Day? That sucked ass, too."
Cartman,"No, dude, independent films are those black and white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding."
Wendy,No they're not! Independent films are produced outside the Hollywood system. They're movies about all the glitz and glamour of Hollywood.
Cartman,"Byeh, sure. Well, you show me one independent film that  isn't about gay cowboys eating pudding!"
Wendy,"Once again, you have no idea what you're talking about, fatass!"
Cartman,"I'm not fat! I just haven't grown into my body yet, skinny bitch!"
Wendy,Hrmph!
Mr. Garrison,"Eric, if you call Wendy a bitch one more time, I'm sending you to the principal's office!"
Cartman,...bitch.
Mr. Garrison,"That's it Eric, you-!"
Cartman,I'm going!
Mr. Garrison,"Anyway, children, I want you all to see at least one independent film at the festival and then write a paper about it.  The first film showing is called Witness To Denial, and it's a sexual exploration piece about two women in love."
Stan,"Oh, my uncle Jimbo has a ton of those movies in his dresser drawer."
Director 1,"Norma, I want to shoot the script next month with Demi Moore instead."
Director 2,Well you can tell Spielberg he can kiss my ass!
Mayor,"Wow, look at this, Johnson. Traffic jams at every intersection, hoards of people pushing their way through the crowd. It's almost like we're a real city."
Cartman,I can't believe I got sent to the principal's office because of your stupid girlfriend!
Stan,She's not my girlfriend.
Kenny,"(Yeah, that's because you vomit on her all the time.)"
Kyle,"Sick, Kenny."
Stan,"Damn, dude. Look at all these people."
Director 3,"I'm late for a screening, I'll call you from the theater."
Kyle,All this for a bunch of stupid movies?
Chef,"Hello there, children!"
The boys,"Hey, Chef."
Stan,Whatcha doin'?
Chef,"Children, this whole film festival thing has quite lucrative monetary possibilities. Now I'm gonna sell some of my famous cookies, to these Hollywood types, and make a mint!"
Cartman,What kind of cookies?
Stan,"Calm down, tubby."
Chef,"They're little cookies, with fudge in the middle. And I call them, ""Fudge 'Ems"""
Cartman,I wanna Fudge 'Em.
Chef,"I can just see the commercial now. ""Wife got you down? Boss makin' you angry? Kids yellin' atcha? Well, Fudge 'Ems."""
Kyle,Cool!
Chef,"And I've also got my double chocolate cookies, ""Fudge This."""
Director 3,"Oh look, one of the natives is selling local food wares. How quaint."
Woman,"This is why I come to these things, to get away from L.A. and become one with the more simple culture."
Chef,"Well, perhaps you'd like to try my low-calorie cookies, ""Go Fudge Yourself,"" or my all-natural, ""I Don't Really Give A Flying Fudge."""
Woman,"Ooh, do you have any tofu or steamed celery?"
Chef,Huh?
Director 3,I would kill for some cous cous right now.
Chef,Whose goose?
Woman,"Uuuuh, never mind. We brought some food from the Natural Market in L.A."
Director 3,"Cute sign, though."
Wendy,"Stan, I have two tickets for the opening film of the festival. Would you like to come with me?"
Cartman,"Stan, nunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh hunh. Tunh tunh tunh tunh tinh teenh?"
Stan,"Shut up, Cartman!  Sure, dude. I mean, since we have to write a paper on a film anyway."
Cartman,"She'll be the death of him, Kyle. Mark my words: she'll be the death of him."
Kyle,If she holds his hand in that theater it'll be all over.
Chef,"Get 'em while they're hot! My all new cookies! ""I Just Went And Fudged Your Momma!"""
Cartman,"Jesus, he sure ran that one into the ground."
Stan,When's this thing start? I hope there are some good previews.
Wendy,"Stan, film festival movies usually don't have previews before them."
Stan,They what?!
Candice,Who are you to judge my womanly soul?  The Goddess flames that burn in my memory aren't dark. Dare you call them dark!  Here lies the Goddess truth of my body.
Stan,"Oh, brother."
Candice,"The Goddess that cries, ""Freedom!""  Here is the Goddess truth of my womanly being  You are my blossom, my flame. When we make love, it's like the sun is right outside the door."
Her Blossom,"Then make love to me, right now."
Stan,Dude!
Wendy,Sshh!
Stan,Dude!
Kyle,"I can see clearly now, the rain is goneI can see all obstacles in my way-"
Sheila,Bubbeleh you need to get to bed! It's late!
Kyle,"I'm poopies, ma!"
Sheila,"Well, hurry up!"
Kyle,Gone are the dark clouds that had me-
Mr. Hankey,Ky-yle! Ky-yle!
Kyle,Could it be?
Mr. Hankey,Hooowwwdy ho!
Kyle,"Mr. Hankey? Mr. Hankey, is that you? Hello?"
Tom,"I'm here live in South Park, Colorado, where citizens from Los Angeles are arriving in droves for the town's first annual film festival. This is just a small quiet mountain community where nothing out of the ordinary ever really happens,  except for the occasional complete destruction of the entire town  and so the excitement level is naturally very high. Right now, the townspeople are anxiously awaiting the arrival of some of Hollywood's top celebrities."
Kyle,"It was him, dude. I told you, it was Mr. Hankey!"
Cartman,"Wait, I thought Mr. Hankey only came at Christmastime."
Kyle,"Well, I'm sure it was him."
Man,"Look, look! Here comes somebody!"
A woman,"Move aside, I can't see."
Tom,"Ladies and gentlemen, TV's Fred Savage."
Crowd,AAWWWW!
Tom,"Well, I'm sure a real person will show up soon."
Kyle,"So how was that movie last night, dude?"
Stan,"Aw, dude, you don't even wanna know!"
Cartman,"It had a bunch of gay cowboys eating pudding, huh?"
Stan,"Yeah, pretty much."
Cartman,Yeah!
Stan,"The theater sucks, though. They need to get a bigger screen."
Kyle,Maybe they should project the movies on Cartman's ass.
Cartman,Ay!
Stan,"Dude, now that'd be like IMAX."
Cartman,"Okay, that's enough fatass jokes for this week."
Kenny,"(Cartman's ass is so fuckin' huge that they could probably show six stupid films on it and still have some room, heheheheheh)"
Cartman,"Okay, that does it. Screw you guys, I'm going home."
Kyle,Well?
Cartman,"I'm gonna, just give me a minute."
Robert Redford,"This is perfect. Why didn't we think of it sooner? This town still has some charm left, not the mess we turned Park City into."
Phyllis,"Forgive me for being observant, but, won't we just end up doing the same thing to this town?"
Robert Redford,"Yes. And the town after, and the town after that. Like termites, we will move this film festival from town to town until we have used it up. And then move on, until every quiet mountain town is like Los Angeles."
Phyllis,Why? Why would we do such a thing?
Robert Redford,"Because we have to live in L.A. And if we can't live in quiet, simple, peaceful mountain towns, then nobody will!  Waitwaitwait. Zoom in to a close-up of my face when I do that. Ready? Then NOBODY will!  That's it."
Chef,"Children! I'm glad you're here! I want you to check out my new confectioneries. I think they're going to sell right through the roof! I call them, ""Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls."""
Stan,Are they good?
Chef,Try 'em.
Stan,"Hey, dude, these are good!"
Cartman,"Yeah, I love these Salty Chocolate Balls, Chef."
Mr. Hankey,Ky-yle!
Kyle,There it is again!
Stan,There is what again?
Mr. Hankey,Ky-yle!
Kyle,It's Mr. Hankey! I think he's in some kind of trouble.
Stan,"Dude, how do you tell if a piece of poo is in trouble?"
Kyle,Where does that grill go?
Stan,"To the sewer, dude."
Kyle,"Of course, the sewer! That must be where he is. Come on!  Come on!"
Chef,"Hey, everybody, have you seen my balls? They're big and salty and brownIf you ever need a quick pick-me-up, just stick my balls in your mouthOoooo, suck on my cho-colate salty ballsput 'em in your mouthPut 'em in your mouth and suck 'em and suck 'em..."
Cartman,"Aw, man, smells like ass down here."
Kyle,"Of course it smells like ass, retard. It's a sewer!"
Stan,What was that?
Cartman,"Aw, man, let's get out of here!"
Kyle,"We can't, dude. Not until we find Mr. Hankey."
The boys,Aaaaah!
Kenny,(Wait!)
Kyle,What the hell?
Stan,Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison,"Oh uh- hello, children."
Cartman,What are you doing down in the sewer with a bunch of snorkel stuff on?
Mr. Garrison,Oh I- I was just-uh hangin' out.
Kyle,In a sewer?
Mr. Garrison,"Children, do you know how to file a police report?"
The boys,No.
Mr. Garrison,Good. See you in school.
Cartman,"This is ridiculous! What the hell are we, the Goonies?"
Kyle,"Yeah, we're the Goonies, Cartman. Why don't you pretend like you're the fat kid?"
Cartman,"Okay, that does it. Screw you guys, I'm home."
Mr. Hankey,Hooowwwdy ho!
Kyle,Mr. Hankey!
Mr. Hankey,"Howdy-ho, boys."
Kyle,I told you guys he'd be here!
Mr. Hankey,"Gosh, look at yuh. You're all growin' up sho fasht."
Cartman,"Hi, Mr. Hankey. Nice to see yuh."
Mr. Hankey,Have you all been brushing behind your teeth?
The boys,Yes.
Mr. Hankey,And usin' dental floss?
The boys,Yes.
Mr. Hankey,And washin' behind your ears?
The boys,Yes.
Cartman,No.
Kyle,"What's the matter, Mr. Hankey? Are you sick?"
Mr. Hankey,"Oh, I just got a little cold is all. All these new people in South Park are stressful on my home."
Stan,What do you mean?
Mr. Hankey,"Well, you see, boys, the sewer is a fragile ecosystem."
Cartman,Oh my God.
Mr. Hankey,"These new folks in town eat nothin' but cous cous, tofu, and raw vegetables, and it's destroying my environment."
Kyle,And that's why you got a cold?
Mr. Hankey,"That's why, Kyle. That's why."
Stan,"Well, why don't you just ask them to leave?"
Mr. Hankey,"There's only one time of year I can come to the surface, and that's Christmastime. That's why I need you boys to go for me."
Kyle,"Don't worry, Mr. Hankey. We'll go tell everyone. Come on, guys."
Mr. Hankey,Don't forget to change your sheets once a week!
Host,"So without further ado we will begin this amazing film. It's a work of blood, sweat, and tears."
Kyle,"Wait! Stop! Could I have your attention, please?"
Director 4,Is that Leonardo DiCaprio?
Kyle,Aaahh!
Director 4,"Ohuh no, wait, that's not him."
Kyle,"Ladies and gentlemen, my best friend, Mr. Hankey, is getting sick because South Park has become overcrowded with people who eat health food."
Female director,"Excuse me, little boy, what's a ""Mr. Hankey""?"
Kyle,"He's a talking piece of poo that lives in the sewer. But now he's getting sick because his egosystem is all out of whack because of all the extra poo in the sewer. If you don't all leave and go home soon, Mr. Hankey's gonna die. He's one of my best friends in the whole wide worldeh, and I don't want him to die."
Director 3,What a great story-it has everything!
Female director,This could be the next Free Willy.
Director 5,"Great pic, son. How much do you want for it?"
Kyle,Huh??
Director 6,Does it-uh have to be a talking piece of poo?
Director 7,It could be a crime-fighting rabbit. Or a lovable turtle.
Director 4,This could be a great summer movie.
Female director 2,Can we put a mon-key in it?
Director 8,"""The Mr. Hankey Stor-"" uh is Harrison Ford available for a fall pic?"
Director 9,Keanu Reeves.
Director 10,Matt Damon!
Fred Savage,Fred Savage!
Director 7,I'd pay a million for this story!
Director 10,I'll pay two.
Kyle,"Dude, no one even listened to me."
Stan,"Well um, it does sound like a pretty sweet movie."
Director 3,"Mmuh I take it you're part owner of this whole Mr. Hooey story, right?"
Cartman,"Huh? Uhuh, yeah, I guess."
Director 3,I want you to do a big-money deal with me.
Cartman,All of us?
Director 3,"Mm-we-hell, I can see that you're the real brains of the group. You don't really need those guys, do you?"
Cartman,"Ye-ah, screw those guys. I don't even like them."
Director 3,"Hm-that's great, kid. Let's make a deal."
Robert,"Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you all for making the First Annual South Park Film Festival a success. We've barely even started and already the festival has seen more attendance than last year's Sundance festival."
Someone in the crowd,Fantastic!
Robert,"And I'm very pleased to announce that in honor of the South Park people who have welcomed us, we are going to build a Hollywood Planet restaurant, right here where this library used to stand."
Crowd,Ooohhh!
Aide 2,Can they do that?
Mayor,They're Hollywood! They can do anything!
Kyle,Mr. Hankey!  Mr. Hankey?!  Mr. Hankey?
Mr. Hankey,"Oh, Kyle. Howdy-ho.  Well, how did it go? Is everyone gonna stop poopin' in my environment?"
Kyle,They didn't believe me. They thought I was pitching a movie.
Mr. Hankey,"Oh. I, I see. Welluh shucks, Kyle, I can't thank you enough for tryin'"
Kyle,We only have one option. I've gotta take you to the surface.
Mr. Hankey,Aw I can't. The sun'll dry me out.
Kyle,It's the only way to prove to them that you're real.
Mr. Hankey,But I won't last long up above.
Kyle,"Well, you're not gonna last down here either, Mr. Hankey. Now, come on! I'm not gonna let you die!"
Mr. Hankey,"All right, just let me get my toothbrush."
Wendy,"Come on, Stan, we're gonna be late for the screening!"
Stan,"Jeez, they made that into a movie already?"
Tom Hanks,"Mr. Hankey, I can't go on anymore. I've lost the fight."
Mr. Hankey,"No, I'm not leaving without you.  We started this together, we're gonna finish it together."
Tom Hanks,"I always thought death was something glorious, but now I know that it's not."
Director 3,It's going over really well. People are gonna be knocking my door down to get you.
Cartman,Who the hell cast Tom Hanks in this?! Tom Hanks can't act his way out of a nutsack!
Tom Hanks,"I'll always love you, Mr. Hankey."
Cartman,"I'll momaymumyeu, Meemuhmammy."
Man 1,"Oh my God, I found a penny!"
Man 2,You bastard!
Kyle,"Mph. Okay, Mr. Hankey. We're out. How are you doin'?"
Mr. Hankey,It sure is -dry up here.
Kyle,"Don't worry. We'll do this quick, okay? Just hang on, Mr. Hankey, just hang on!"
Mayor,"Excuse me, Mr. Film Commissioner, could I have a word with you?"
Robert,Make it quick.
Mayor,"Well, the people of my town are a little upset. I don't think we realized what an impact this festival would have on our town."
Robert,Uh-huh.
Mayor,"Right. So, we were actually wondering if we could call this whole thing off?"
Robert,"We have contracts.  You try to pull out now, we'll sue your little town for every penny it's got. But thanks so much for the hard work."
Cartman,"Eh but, but this doesn't make sense to me, Marty! Okay, you told me the movie made a lot of money!"
Marty,"Mmp right. Two million, minus your agent's fee, minus your lawyer's fee, minus my fee, and the publicity and taxes taken out, you get three dollars! That's more than most people in your position make, trust me!"
Stan,"Serves you right, Cartman! You're a sellout!"
Cartman,I'm not a sellout! What's a sellout?
Stan,"If you work in the entertainment business and you make money, you're a sellout!"
Chef,"It's all gone to hell, children. And we're all to blame. Even me!  I was sellin' out my town, too! And now look at it."
Stan,So what do we do now?
Chef,There's nothin' we can do. Just sit here and suck on my balls.
Kyle,"You guys, we have to hurry!"
Stan,Why?
Kyle,Come on! Everything's gonna be okay!  Sir! Sir!
Robert,Not now!
Kyle,I have to show you something.  I think it will change the way you feel about your impact here.
A director,What's this?
Kyle,I want you guys to all meet my friend.
Robert,"That's great, kid. A dried-out lump of shit; very compelling.  Okay, folks, let's move! We've gotta have that sign down in time for the opening tonight!"
Kyle,"You can't die, Mr. Hankey. You can't."
Mr. Hankey,Kyle. Be-fore I go there's something I must tell you. Come clo-ser.  Clo-ser.
Kyle,"Well-. Huwhat is it, Mr. Hankey?"
Mr. Hankey,There is a-nother Sky-walk-er.
Kyle,Nooohohohohohoho-
Mr. Hankey,Wake up.
Kyle,"What is it, Mr. Hankey?"
Mr. Hankey,Come clo-ser.
Kyle,What is it?
Mr. Hankey,Clo-ser.
Kyle,Yes?
Mr. Hankey,"Closer!  One time, when you were sleeping, I put myself in your mouth and had my friend take a picture."
Kyle,Nooo!
Voice over,"Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. He loved me, I loved you.Therefore vicariously he loved you-"
Kyle,Nooo!
HazMat official,"I'm sorry, son. Let's get him to ICU."
Kyle,Noo! No!
Stan,"Are you gonna be okay, dude? I'm here for you."
Wendy,"Hi, Stan. Ready to go see another movie?"
Stan,Okay!
Kyle,Uuf.
Cowboy,"Say, Tom. Do you have any pudding left?"
Tom,"I ate all mine up, silly."
Cowboy,"Well then, now what do we do?"
Man,AAWWWW!
Wendy,Eeewww!
Man,Hey!
Stan,Sorry.
Cowboy,"Well, why don't we just explore our sexuality?"
Tom,"Ooh, good idea. Let's."
Stan,"Aw, dude, I shouldn't be seeing this!  Blaach!"
Man,"Aaww!  Is there a problem, young man?"
Stan,"No problem, dude."
Kyle,I'll never forget you. You were my best friend after Stan.
Chef,"Come on, Kyle. It's time to go."
Kyle,"Chef, does poo go to heaven?"
Chef,"Well, uh-I kinda hope not.  I mean, sure it does.  Here. I'll give him one of my Salty Balls to take with him to poo heaven.  Come on, let's go."
Mr. Hankey,Kyle.
Kyle,Mr. Hankey?
Mr. Hankey,Howdy-ho.
Kyle,He's back! He's back!
Mr. Hankey,That was delicious.
Chef,My Salty Chocolate Balls must have re-juvenated him!
Kyle,"You've got the best balls in the whole world, Chef."
Chef,You're daaamn right.
Cartman,"Step on up, get them here! Mr. Hankey & Me T-shirts! Get them while they last, folks. for only $14.95!"
Woman,I'll take two.
Man,I'd like to pay for one.
Cartman,Selling T-shirts kicks ass!
Robert,"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to announce on this Gala Opening of Hollywood Planet South Park, that the festival will be back next year!  And the year after that, and the year after that, and so on! And now, release the curtain!  I give you, ""Hollywood in South Park!"""
Kyle,Wait!  I brought him! I brought him to show you!
Robert,"Oh, not this again!"
Kyle,Behold! Mr. Hankey!
Mr. Hankey,Hoooooowwwdy-ho!
Robert,"Anyway, this new Hollywood Planet will be the official meeting place for all-"
Mr. Hankey,"Howdy-ho, folks. I'm afraid my buddy Kyle was right. There's not enough room in South Park to accommodate a festival."
Short Man,"Mr. Poo, if you wouldn't mind, we can't hear our chairman. If you could just turn yourself down. You're at about 7 right now, we need you at about, 3, okay?"
Mr. Hankey,"Uh, folks, please. Little towns like this simply aren't made for friggin' films. We love havin' visitors, but golly, too many of you is hurtin' our ecosystem. Be-sides, folks, film festivals shouldn't be about what celebrities are comin' or what film is gonna get sold. It should be about people gettin' together, and watchin' movies, and about people who could never get their movies seen havin' a chance to have it watched, if only once. A good film festival should be something where we all say, ""Gaw, let's forget about lawyers and managers and studios and celebrities. Let's forget all those things for just a while, and just watch some new art."""
Robert,I have had enough of you!
Mr. Hankey,Nyyaarrrr!
Kyle,No!
Robert,"Now, as I was saying, this shall usher in a whole new decade of film festivals."
Kyle,O-hoho he's dead. Mr. Hankey's dead.
Chef,"Well, it worked once before."
Mr. Hankey,"Hi, Chef. Your big chocolate balls are just the trick!"
Stan,What the hell is he doing?
Kyle,I don't know.
Cartman,Whoa!
An Agent,Oh my God!
Crowd Members,Aaaaahh!
Man,"Oh, my God, it's crap!"
Man 2,Ohh! Noo!
Man 3,"Whoa, it smells, it smells!"
Phyllis,"Come on, let's go! It's coming!"
Robert,"I'm trying, damn it!"
Robert,Aww. Aww. Glup.
Man,Let's get out of this town!
Mr. Hankey,Gosh. I guess I don't know my own strength.
Kyle,"You did it, Mr. Hankey. You got rid of all the film people!"
Townsfolk,Hooray!
Mayor,"Ooh, yeaah. Now all we have is a town covered in shit! This is much better!"
Mr. Hankey,"I couldn't have done it without you, Kyle.  Kisses."
Wendy,"Stan, I'm sorry I dragged you to all those independent films."
Stan,"Oh, that's okay Wendy. I forgive you."
Wendy,"Sometimes I forget that even though a few independent films are great, most of them suck ass."
Cartman,"Yes. And I've learned something, too.  Being a sellout is sweet. Because you make a lot of money. And when you have money, you don't have to hang out with any poor-ass losers- like you guys. Screw you guys, I'ma goin' home."
Dr. Doctor,It's a good thing we got her to the hospital in time.
Sharon,But what's wrong with her?
Dr. Doctor,"It's chickenpox. There seems to be a small epidemic going around. Your daughter never had the chickenpox as a little child, I take it?"
Sharon,"No, no, she's been perfectly healthy."
Dr. Doctor,"Well, that's the problem. You see, chickenpox is a pretty normal thing for young children, but as you get older it becomes a more and more ferocious disease."
Sharon,"Shelly, look who's come to visit you; your little brother, Stan."
Shelly,"Oh, whoo-peee!"
Dr. Doctor,"You know, most people don't realize that chickenpox is actually a form of herpes."
Stan,"Dude, you've got herpes on your face!"
Shelly,"Shut up, brat!"
Sharon,Will my daughter be okay?
Dr. Doctor,She'll be fine.
Shelly,Stop it!
Dr. Doctor,We just want to be cautious and monitor her here.
Stan,Ow!
Sharon,"Come on, Stanley. Give your sister a kiss and then we have to go."
Sharon,"...and then the doctor said that it's much worse as you get older. My daughter is in pretty bad shape now, but if she were in her twenties, she could die."
Sheila,"My God, I never knew chickenpox was such a dangerous illness."
Liane,I guess it's much better to get it when you're young.
Sharon,"So tell me if I'm crazy, but I started thinking that we should intentionally have our boys play with a child who has the chickenpox. Let them get it now, while they're young."
Sheila,"That's not crazy at all, Sharon. Mothers do it all the time."
Liane,"Oh, yes. When I was a child, my mother had me go over to a little girl's house who had the chickenpox, just so I would get it."
Sharon,So it's not such a crazy idea after all?
Sheila,"Noo, no. And I'm pretty sure that strange little boy Kenny has the chickenpox right now."
Kyle,Are you guys having a meeting or something?
Sheila,How would you boys like to have a little slumber party at your friend Kenny's house tonight?
Cartman,"No way, dude. Kenny's family's poor; they live in the ghetto."
Kyle,Yeah. Let's just have a slumber party here.
Sharon,"Boys, you're going to sleep over at Kenny's, and that's final."
Cartman,Oh weak!
Kyle,I wonder why our moms want us to sleep over at Kenny's so bad.
Stan,"Yeah, it's pretty weird."
Kyle,"Well, all I can say is, he's better have Nintendo.  Well, here's Kenny's house."
Cartman,In the ghettoOn a cold and gray Chicago morn Another little baby child is bornIn the ghetto... In the ghetto
Stuart,Yeah?
Stan,We're here to have a slumber party with Kenny.
Stuart,What? Don't you know Kenny's sick with--?
Mrs. McCormick,"That's the whole point, remember? Their moms want them to catch it while they're young."
Stuart,Oh yeah.
Stan,Catch what?
Mrs. McCormick,"Nothin'. Uhco-uh, come on in, I was jus' makin' dinner."
Cartman,And his momma cried'Cause if there's one thing that she don't needIs another little hungry mouth to feedIn the ghetto In the ghetto
Stan,Sshh! Cartman!
Cartman,What?
Mrs. McCormick,"Kenny, your little friends are here! Come play with them!"
Kenny,"(No, Mom, I'm seriously sick!)"
Mrs. McCormick,I know you're sick! Now get your buns out here!
Kyle,"Heheheh, buns."
Kenny,"(Hey you guys, what's goin' on?)"
Stan,"Whoa, dude! You've got herpes on your face, too!"
Cartman,Where is the Nintendo?
Stuart,We don't have a Nintendo. We got a ColecoVision hooked up to the black-and-white TV.
Kyle,Oh my God. This is like a third-world country.
Mrs. McCormick,Throw your sleeping bags in Kenny's room and then come grab some dinner.
Cartman,"Oh, good. I'm starving."
Mrs. McCormick,Let's say grace.
Stuart,"Lord, we thank you for this staggering payload of frozen waffles you have bestowed upon us. And since we have been faithful to you, we know that you will send us some good fortune one of these days, even though you sure as hell seem to be taking your sweet time. Amen."
All,Amen.
Cartman,Pfff..!
Mrs. McCormick,"Okay, let's dig in."
Kevin,"That one's mine, that one's mine!"
Cartman,What kind of side dishes will we be enjoying this evening with our frozen waffles?  Am I to understand there will be no side dishes?
Stuart,"So, Kyle, your dad's still bringing home those big, fat lawyer paychecks?"
Kyle,I don't know.
Mrs. McCormick,"Stuart, don't even get started!"
Stuart,"What? I'm just askin' a question.  You know, your dad and I used to be best friends when we were teenagers. We would work together at Pizza Shack. But he got promoted and went off to community college and I didn't. And you know why? 'Cause your dad's Jewish!"
Cartman,Puh! I heard that.
Mrs. McCormick,"That ain't why, Stuart!  It's because you are an alcoholic retard and he had dreams of not eating frozen waffles for dinner every night!"
Stuart,"Hey, is it my fault you don't know how to cook?!"
Mrs. McCormick,"What am I supposed to do with frozen waffles, clamhead?! You put 'em in the toaster and you cook 'em!"
Stuart,You just don't know how to use spices and stuff.
Kevin,"My waffle's d-hun, my waffle's d-hu-hun!"
Mrs. McCormick,"Now Kevin, we ain't got enough for everybody. You have to split that with your brother."
Cartman,"Oh, Jesus, are you fucking kidding me?"
Stuart,"Hey! We don't say ""fuck"" at the table, you little asshole!"
Cartman,"Heh, we apparently don't say 'side dishes' at the table, either."
Kenny,(Aa-choo!)
Mrs. McCormick,"Kenny, honey, if you're going to sneeze, sneeze on them."
Stan,Huh?
Kenny,(Waa-choo!)
Cartman,Ey!
Cartman,"Man, your family sucks ass, Kenny. Whoever heard of frozen waffles for dinner?"
Kyle,Come on! Let's just get in our sleeping bags and get this night over with.
Kyle,"Cartman, what the hell is that?"
Cartman,It's my Urkel sleeping bag. Isn't it coool?
Kyle,"No, it's not cool!"
Stan,"Dude, I think I just saw a rat!"
Cartman,"Argh! You have rats in your house, too, Kenny?!"
Kenny,(Uh-huh.)
Cartman,"Dude, seriously, you'd better stop being so poor, or else I'm gonna start huckin' rocks atcha."
Stan,I don't think it's very healthy to sleep with rats.
Kenny,"(Well, there's gonna be a bunch of rats until they put the freakin' ceiling in.)"
Stan,Oh.
Kenny,(Aa-choo!)
Sharon,"Okay, lemme see.  Oh, goody! You've got a fever!"
Stan,"Goody? What do you mean, ""goody""?!"
Sharon,"Yyup, it looks like you've got chickenpox alright."
Stan,"Chickenpo--? Oh no, I must have caught it from Kenny last night."
Sharon,"Oh, gee, I guess you did."
Stan,"Well, you sure seem happy about it!"
Sharon,"All right, it's off to bed with you, young man."
Liane,"Don't scratch it, hon."
Cartman,"But mom, seriously, it itches. I can't stand it!"
Liane,"No, hon."
Cartman,"Mom, seriously, it itches. It itches!"
Liane,"Here, I got you some calamine lotion."
Cartman,I don't wanna.
Liane,It'll make your itches go away.
Cartman,"Ugh. Uunnh.  Ey, give me that!  Ahhhh..."
Liane,"Not too much, hon. It says on the bottle that too much can be bad."
Cartman,More calamine lotion!
Sheila,I don't understand it. He's perfectly healthy.
Kyle,Yeah. I feel great!
Sheila,Are you sure you stayed over at Kenny's house?
Kyle,"Yeah, dude. I told you, we had bread sandwiches for breakfast."
Sheila,Did you sleep in the same room?
Kyle,Yes. Why?
Sheila,"Bubbe, how would you like to spend the night at your friend Kenny's house again?"
Kyle,"No way, dude! It sucked ass! They don't even have cable!"
Sheila,Well I think you need to spend more time with your friends.
Kyle,"Kenny's not really my friend, Ma. I don't give a rat's ass about him."
Sheila,I'm gonna give Mrs. McCormick a call.
Kyle,Aawwww! Hey Dad. Is it true that you and Kenny's dad used to be best friends when you were young?
Gerald,"Who? Stuart? Yeah, yeah, I guess we were."
Kyle,"Well how come Kenny's family eats frozen waffles for dinner and has rats on the floor, and we have a big house and lots of food?"
Gerald,"Well, because Kenny's family doesn't have as much money as we do."
Kyle,"But why? If they're hungry and poor, why don't we just always give them half of our food?"
Gerald,"Ha ha ha ha ha! Ooh-ho boy, have you got a lot to learn! Sit down, son.  You see, Kyle, we humans work as a society, and in order for a society to thrive, we need gods, and clods."
Kyle,Gods and clods?
Gerald,"Yes. You see, I spent a lot of time going to law school, and I was able to go because I have a slightly higher intellect than others. But I still need people to pump my gas, and make my French fries, and fix my laundry machine when it breaks down."
Kyle,"Oooohh, I see. Gods and clods!"
Gerald,"That's right. So Kenny's family is happy just the way they are, and we're all a functioning part of America."
Sharon,"Stanley, can I get you anything else?  Stanley? Oh my God! Randy?! Randy, hurry, he's burning up!"
Sharon,"Don't you worry, Stanley, you're going to be okay."
Dr. Doctor,Can I talk to you outside?
Sharon,"Kids, Daddy and I are gonna be right back, okay?"
Stan,Okay.
Shelly,"Serves you right, you little brat!"
Stan,Well at least I'm not gonna die from it like you might! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Shelly,"If I die from this, I'm taking you with me!"
TV Voice,Will Carol find out she's a fa...
Stan,I don't wanna watch this! I wanna watch Terrance and Phillip!
Shelly,We're watching this!
Stan,"Well I've got the remote, bitch! Hahaha."
Phillip,"Say, Terrance? Will you check my ass for abnormalities?"
Terrance,"Sure thing, Phillip.  Ah ha ha ha, you got me again!"
Phillip,That's tomfoolery.
Shelly,Give me the remote!
Stan,"No way, dude! We're gonna watch Terrance and Phillip all day-- Ey! Get me out of here!"
TV Voice,She was...
Dr. Doctor,"He'll be okay, but it's a good idea for us to monitor him for a while."
Sharon,"Oh God, what have we done?"
Dr. Doctor,"There there now, it's not your fault."
Randy,"Doctor, we-uuuh purposefully sent our son to stay with a friend who had chickenpox so that he would get it early."
Dr. Doctor,"Oh, wow, you did? Wow. You guys suck."
Kyle,"Could we go home now, Ma?"
Sheila,"No, bubbeleh. You play with Kenny some more."
Kyle,But we've been playing for eight hours. We can't think of anything else to do.
Sheila,"I've got a great game for you. It's called ""ookie mouth""."
Kyle,"What's ""ookie mouth""?"
Sheila,"First, you let Kenny spit in your mouth. Then you try to swallow his spit and say ""ookie mouth"" at the same time."
Kyle,"Sick, dude!"
Sheila,"No, no, bubbe, it's loads of fun. Try it.  That ought to take care of it."
Mrs. McCormick,You want some more hot water?
Sheila,"Oh, no thank you. It's terrific though, it's-- You don't have any tea bags or coffee grounds to go in the hot water, do you?"
Mrs. McCormick,"Naw, we don't go for that hoidy-toidy rich folk stuff."
Sheila,"I see. Well, you certainly have aab- humble home, Mrs. McCormick."
Mrs. McCormick,"Yehah, well, unfortunately my husband is a washed-up hunk of shit!"
Sheila,"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."
Kyle,"Ookie mouth!  Gross! I can't do it, Ma!"
Sheila,"Try again, bubbe!"
Kyle,Argh!
Sheila,"You know, your husband and mine used to work together as teenagers."
Mrs. McCormick,Oh they wuz best friends; you couldn't separate 'em.
Sheila,"Really? I met Gerald in college, so I didn't know. What happened to them?"
Mrs. McCormick,"Oh they jus' grew apart, I guess. I think Stuart's a little jealous that your husband got out of makin' pizzas and went on to make somethin' of hisself."
Sheila,Well that's too bad. I'm sure your husband's a fine man.
Mrs. McCormick,"Oh, hell no! He's a nugget o' deer turd."
Sheila,But if they were such good friends it seems silly that they don't even talk anymore. Let's get them together!
Mrs. McCormick,Uh-I don't know.
Sheila,We'll just arrange a little fishing trip for them or something.
Kyle,"I can't say ""ookie mouth"" and have Kenny spit down my throat at the same time. It's impossible."
Sheila,"Practice makes perfect, bubbe."
Cartman,"Dammit, where's that calamine lotion?!"
Terrance,"Phillip, I've got good news, and bad news."
Phillip,"Give it to me straight, Terrance."
Terrance,"The good news is, you have a clean bill of health."
Phillip,"Oh, what a relief!"
Terrance,"The bad news is, you have cancer."
Phillip,Cancer?
Terrance,Yes. I'm afraid your ass is collapsing.
Phillip,My ass is collapsing?
Terrance,Yes. See this X-ray?  That's your ass. See this line?  That's your ass collapsing. Your ass is collapsing.
Phillip,Will this mean that I won't be able to fart anymore?
Terrance,"No, it means that you won't be able to live anymore."
Cartman,"Oh, no.  Damnit!  No, Kitty! That's a-- Wait a minute. Come 'ere, Kitty!  Uh. Yes. Uh..."
Liane,"I'm back, hon. I got some more calamine lotion."
Cartman,It's about friggin' time! Give me that!
Liane,"Just use a little bit of that stuff, hon. It has to last a while."
Cartman,"Uugh!  Yeessss.  Ooohhh yyou guys, seriiously, it calms yer ass. Ahhhh..."
Stuart,"I didn't know you like to fish, Gerry."
Gerald,"Oh, yeah, love it! I haven't done it for a while, though. I had to go out and buy a few things, you know a-. A rod and a reel and an uh, uuh..."
Stuart,Tackle box?
Gerald,"Yeah, tackle box.  Man, smell that mountain air. What a great Saturday morning; aren't weekends just the best?"
Stuart,"When you're uh-unemployed, weekends are meaningless."
Gerald,Right. Right-right.
Mr. Garrison,"And so, children, that's how you tell a prostitute from a policeman. Now, are there any questions?  Yes, Kyle?"
Kyle,What the hell does that have to do with American history?
Mr. Garrison,"Uh, that's a good question, Kyle. Are there any other questions?"
Kyle,"Mr. Garrison, I'm the only one here. Everyone else has chicken herpes."
Mr. Garrison,"Right, right. Uhh... Well, class, I'm going to assign you all a paper. The theme of the paper will be, ""How I would make America better."""
Kyle,"What?! Does everybody have to do it, or just me?"
Mr. Garrison,"Uh, don't worry, Kyle. I'm sending homework to all the children who are out sick. They'll have to turn in a paper, too."
Stan,Homework?! But I'm in the hospital!
Sharon,"Well, your teacher sent this stuff over for you to do while you're sick."
Stan,That son of a bitch! What kind of sick weirdo is he?
Sharon,"Now, Stanley, I know at your age teachers can seem cold and heartless, but later, you'll understand that he did this for your own good."
Stan,"Not Mr. Garrison, Ma. He really is a sick weirdo."
Randy,"Yeah, it's-it's true, he is."
Sharon,"Oh. Well, anyway, here's a pencil and some paper."
Stan,Wait! Where are you going?
Randy,We're going down to-uhh Happy Burger for some milkshakes.
Stan,Milkshakes?!
Sharon,"Yeah, and then we're going to the movies."
Randy,"See ya, son."
Stan,Weak!
Kyle,"""So this is how America works. We have gods and clods. My dad says America needs both rich and poor to survive, but I have a better idea."""
Sheila,"No I don't understand it, Dr. Schwartz, he's perfectly healthy.  He's been over at Kenny's house three days in a row and still hasn't caught the chickenpox."
Kyle,What?
Sheila,"I don't know what else to do. We sent the other boys over and they all got sick, but I can't get my little Kyle to catch it."
Kyle,Oh my God!
Sheila,"Kyle, what are you doing there, honey?"
Kyle,You!
Sheila,"I'll call you back, Dr. Schwartz."
Kyle,You!
Sheila,"What, bubbeleh, what is it?"
Kyle,You sent us over to Kenny's house on purpose! You wanted us to get sick!
Sheila,"Oy. It was for your own good, Kyle. I wanted you to get chickenpox while you were young."
Kyle,"Why?! So I could be sitting in the hospital waiting to die, like Stan?!"
Sheila,"Now, Kyle, come here."
Kyle,"You get away from me, you crazy woman!"
Sheila,Hoh boy.
Stuart,Beer?
Gerald,"Huh? Oh, uh, no thanks, I brought my own. Microbrew sampler from Aspen. Has six different beers from local breweries.  Sahay, remember that time we built the fort in your mom's back yard?"
Stuart,Hu hu hu hu heh yeah. It took us damn near two years to finish it.
Gerald,Hahah. Whatever happened to that old hunk o' junk? Haha--
Stuart,That's where I live now.
Gerald,"Oh, right."
Stan,And so that's why Knight Rider was the best show in America.
Kyle,Stan! Stan!
Stan,Sshh. Wake her up and we're both dead.
Kyle,"Sorry, sorry. You know how after we spent the night at Kenny's house and-and you and Cartman got sick with chickenpox?"
Stan,Yeah.
Kyle,Dude! Our parents sent us over there to get us sick!
Stan,What are you talking about?
Kyle,"They knew that staying at Kenny's house would get us sick, and they made us do it anyway."
Stan,They did?
Kyle,Yeah. And I think I figured out why.
Stan,Why?
Kyle,Because they're a bunch of assholes.
Stan,Of course!
Kyle,"Come on, dude. We've gotta get out of here. I don't know what they're planning next, but it can't be good!"
Cartman,"""I hope that one day America could be more like Endor, where the Ewoks live. Endor is very cool.""  Mom, answer that! ""They have trees and Ewoks, and barbecues, which is why I like Endor more than America. It's cool."""
Kyle,"Cartman, do you remember how we all spent the night at Kenny's a couple of days ago?"
Cartman,I remember frozen waffles with no side dishes.
Stan,"Cartman, our parents sent us over there to catch chickenpox from Kenny!"
Kyle,"Yeah, dude. Your mom wanted you to have herpes on your face."
Cartman,She what?!
Stan,It's some kind of parental conspiracy. Our parents are trying to kill us or something.
Cartman,That bitch! I'm gonna go downstairs and kick her square in the nuts!
Kyle,"No-no-no-no. Come on, fatass, we're gonna get 'em all back."
Gerald,"Well, I'm sure you'll find another job soon. Something'll come along."
Stuart,Not that easy. You were lucky.
Gerald,"Now, now-I, I wasn't lucky."
Stuart,You had rich parents. You got to go to that expensive community college.
Gerald,Hey! I worked my ass off to get to where I am today!  I wanted to be somebody!
Stuart,"I wanted to be somebody, too! I just wasn't born with a silver enema up my ass!"
Gerald,"You're just jealous. You're a bitter old drunk, just like your father!  Ow!!"
Stuart,Now don't make me do that again!
Gerald,Ow! You son of a bitch!
Stuart,Uh!
Gerald,Ow!
Stuart,Oh!
Gerald,Ow!
Stuart,Eeaagghh!
Gerald,Huuuh!
Randy,Doctor?
Dr. Doctor,Yes?
Randy,Wh-where's Stan?
Dr. Doctor,Stan?
Randy,"Stan, our son?"
Dr. Doctor,"Oh, yes. Where is Stan?"
Sharon,You mean Stanley's missing?
Dr. Doctor,"No, no. He's not missing. We just... can't seem to find him at this moment."
Sharon,Oh my God! Our son ran away!
Randy,Will he be okay out of the hospital?
Dr. Doctor,"Oh sure, sure. But we have to get him back soon. If he doesn't get his antibiotic shot today, he could die."
Sharon,Die?
Dr. Doctor,"Yes, die. It won't be any easy death, either. The chickenpox will slowly move down his trachea into his lungs."
Randy,"Okay, well well, let's go look--"
Dr. Doctor,"As he chokes for breath, the pox will move through his inner ear into his brain, making him think he's David Duchovny."
Sharon,"Oh God, no!"
Randy,I'm-I'm sure he couldn't have gone far.
Dr. Doctor,"Now moving on all fours and wheezing uncontrollably, his cellular structure will regress into a gelatinous mass of--"
Sheila,So how was it? Did you boys have a good time fishing?
Gerald,That son of a bitch ripped my parka!
Sheila,Catch anything?
Gerald,I just don't get it.  Why would he invite me fishing and then turn into a complete bastard?
Sheila,"Well, darling, I have to tell you something. He didn't invite you. I set the whole thing up."
Gerald,What? Now why the hell would you knowingly deceive me like that?
Sheila,I thought it would be good for you.
Gerald,Just like you deceived our son into going to Kenny's; and that didn't work either!
Sheila,I'm doing the best I can!
Gerald,What?!
Gerald,"Oh, God, what have I done?"
Phillip,"What's happening here, Terrance?"
Terrance,We're doing an anal transplant. It's our only hope.
Phillip,Who's the donor?
Terrance,"I am, Phillip. I am."
Phillip,"Terrance, you're giving up your ass for me?"
Terrance,"Just half my ass. Can you believe it, Phillip? Best friends, and now we're going to share the same ass."
Chef,"Oh, damn it, not now!  Damn it! Children, what are you doing here? Terrance and Phillip are about to go into surgery!"
Kyle,"Chef, we wanna know about herpes."
Chef,What makes you think I would know anything about that?
Kyle,Well I don't know. You're just the only grownup we trust.
Stan,How does someone get herpes?
Chef,Well you get it by sharin' relations with somebody who already has it. You have to be very careful around someone who has herpes.
Kyle,Do you know anybody with herpes?
Chef,"Well, there's old Frida down on Main Street. She has a mouthful of herpes. You need to stay away from her."
Stan,But what if we want to give somebody herpes?
Chef,"Oh, then, Frida's the right person to go to."
Kyle,"Cool! Thanks, Chef!"
Chef,O-kay!  Wait a minute. What the hell did I just do?
Sharon,Stanley?
Randy,Stan?
Sharon,"Oh, Stanley, where are you..?"
Randy,Stan?
Sharon,Stanley!
Kyle,Are you old Frida?
Frida,Who wants to know?
Kyle,Someone who wants a favor.
Frida,"Ten dollars a lay, five dollars a b--"
Kyle,Huh?
Cartman,We want you to give our parents herpes.
Frida,Five dollars.
Stan,My dad has five dollars on top of his dresser.
Kyle,"Damn, you sound pretty sick. Maybe you should go back to the hospital."
Stan,"And have Shelly kick my ass? No thanks. Plus, I have to get my parents back just as much as you do."
Stan,"Thanks a lot, Frida!"
Frida,Don't mention it.
Kyle,"D-hude, this is gonna be so killer. They're all gonna get herpes!"
Boys,Hooray!
Randy,"Stanley, where the hell have you been?"
Sharon,"Damn it, Stanley, you had us worried sick! You have to get back to the hospital for a shot!"
Stan,I don't wanna go back there.
Randy,"Come on, we're taking you back to the hospital."
Stan,Don't you guys feel like brushing your teeth first?
Randy,What?
Stan,"You know, freshen up your breath."
Kyle,"Aw, man.  I don't feel so good."
Sheila,"Oh good, maybe you finally caught the chicken--"
Kyle,Ugh...
Sheila,Kyle!!
Dr. Doctor,"Well, I hope you boys learned your lesson. Going out and playing around with chickenpox almost killed you all."
Kyle,We're sorry.
Dr. Doctor,"Well just be thankful we got you here in time. Your parents are here to see you, I'll send them in."
Kyle,"This itches! Give me some of that calamine lotion, Cartman."
Cartman,"Hell no, you guys get your own!"
Sharon,"Stanley, how are you feeling today, son?"
Stan,Pretty good.
Sharon,The doctor says that maybe you can go home tomorrow.
Randy,"Yeah. Isn't that great, Stanley?"
Stan,"Wow, coo-hul!"
Sheila,"And how are you, Kyle?"
Gerald,Are you doing okay?
Kyle,I'm better now.
Sharon,"What's so funny, you two?"
Kyle,We gave you guys herpes.
Sheila,What-what-whaaat?! You did this?!
Stan,We got you back for getting us sick. We had a prostitute use your toothbrushes and stuff.
Randy,I can't believe you gave us herpes. You little rascals!
Sharon,"Well, I guess it serves us right.  Kids, we should have honest about wanting you to get chickenpox."
Sheila,It's true. We were wrong for deceiving you about it.
Cartman,"Hey, how come you don't have sores on your lips, Ma?"
Liane,"Ooh, I have them somewhere else, boopiekins."
Cartman,Hooray!
Gerald,"And, uh Stuart, I think I owe you an apology. I realize that I shouldn't be so cold towards people that are less fortunate than me."
Stuart,"Aww hell, I'm sorry, too."
Terrance,"Oh, Phillip, I'm so glad everything turned out for the better."
Cartman,"Well, I know one thing for sure."
Liane,"What's that, Eric?"
Cartman,We're all gonna need a lot more calamine lotion.
Stan,"Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!"
Kyle,You bastards!
Police Commissioner,"Well, detective. It looks like ya fooled them again."
Barnaby Jones,"All in a day's work, I guess. I just hope that next time, I won't have to run so much."
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, what do you think Barnaby Jones meant when he said, ""This is not a victimless crime""? Anybody?  Children, were you paying attention?!"
Kyle,"Mr. Garrison, we've been watching Barnaby Jones repeats for eight days now. It's hard to keep paying attention."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, well excuse me, Kyle! Why don't you just forget what Barnaby Jones has to say?! Why don't you not pay attention to Barnaby Jones and then let's see how far you get in society?! Okay, Stanley, why don't you tell us how Barnaby Jones knew the poison was in the milk?"
Stan,Can't we just be like normal third-graders for a little while?
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, and what do you consider normal?!"
Stan,"I don't know, like, learn about art 'n music and go on field trips and stuff."
The Class,Yeah!
Mr. Garrison,"Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants, it just so happens we are going on a field trip tomorrow!"
The Class,Hooray!
Kyle,To where?
Mr. Garrison,To the planetarium.
The Class,AAWWWW!
Cartman,Planetariums suck!
Mr. Garrison,"Oh now, what's wrong with the planetarium?"
Stan,It's boring.
Kyle,"Yeah, all the constellations look alike."
Mr. Garrison,"Well, too bad! You're all going to the planetarium tomorrow and you're all going to love it! In the meantime, we're going to watch episode #203, Barnaby Under Siege."
The Class,Aawwww.
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, sorry, I taped these at home, so there's more commercials."
Announcer,"Hey kids, do you love Cheesy Poofs?"
The Class,Yes.
Announcer,"Well, Cheesy Poofs is looking for a kid to sing the happy Cheesy Poofs song. Watch for our talent van as it goes around the country."
Cartman,I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song!
Announcer,"If you win, you could be picked to be in our next Cheesy Poofs commercial. So remember,I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy PoofsIf we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame"
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, let's quiet down so the nice bus driver can concentrate on the road."
Ms. Crabtree,THAT AIN'T HOW YOY DO IT! YOU DO IT LIKE THIS: SIDDOWN AND SHUT UP!!
Mr. Garrison,"Ow! Jesus, lady!"
Ms. Crabtree,"THIS IS THE PLANETARIUM, WATCH YOUR STEP ON THE WAY DOWN SO AS NOT TO HURT YOURSEELF!"
Kid,Ow.
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, now I'm going to remind you that this is a planetarium, not a Bangkok brothel. Let's behave ourselves."
Announcer,Does your child have what it takes to be the next Cheesy Poofs anthem singer?
Cartman,"Hey, there it is!"
Announcer,We're going around the country to find the kid who can sing the Cheesy Poofs song better than anybody.
Cartman,I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song with both hands tied behnd my back!
Kyle,"You couldn't get both arms behind your back, fatass!"
Mr. Garrison,"Come on, Eric. We're going to the planetarium."
Cartman,But I'll have to sing the Cheesy Poofs song for that talent va-a-an!
Mr. Garrison,"No, you have to go in this building and see a bunch of stupid stars! Now, come on!"
Cartman,But I wanna sing the Cheesy Poofs song on the commercial!
A Boy,"Wow, don't you...?"
A Girl,What is that?
Dr. Adams,"Hello, children. My name is Dr. Adams. Welcome to the plane'arium."
Kyle,"I thought it was ""plane-tarium."""
Dr. Adams,"Well, it is. But I have a bone disease which impedes my ability to pronounce the ""t"" in ""plane'arium"""
Mr. Garrison,That's a pretty weird bone disease.
Dr. Adams,"Yes. Perhaps someday I can get a bone-marrow transplant.  Yes, little boy?"
Cartman,How long is that Chessy Poofs van gonna be outside?
Dr. Adams,"Well I don't know. But anyway, boys and girls, soon you'll be witnessing the wonders of the universe. But first, I wanna show you how the plane'arium works."
Cartman,As if we care.
Kyle,"Hey, who are you?"
Dr. Adams,"Ughuh, little Missy here runs the big projector for us."
Missy,I love my work.
Stan,"Whoa, dude! You're only as old as us; shouldn't you be in school?"
Missy,I love my work.
Dr. Adams,"Come on. Let's get into the plane'arium, shall we?"
Dr. Adams,"Good morning, children, and welcome to the plane'arium. We're going on a fascinating ride through the universe, so I want you to lean back in your chairs and get comfortable."
Stan,This is stupid.
Dr. Adams,And now I'm going to dim the lights and let the stars... ehcome out.
Kyle,Whoopie.
Dr. Adams,"Here we see the constellation called, ""The Big Dipper"". If I project a drawing of a big dipper on top of it,  a-hah , we see where this constellation gets its name. These stars over here form the constellation of Taurus, the Bull , while these stars form the constellation, ""Roger Ebert"" . And these two little stars over here form the constellation The Crusades . Now, stars are actually made of hot gas, which is exactly what comes out of..."
Cartman,"Aw man, screw this."
Dr. Adams,"And now breathe deep as the stars sloowwly start to move in little circles.  I know you think plane'ariums are boring, but I'm gonna try to change the way you think about that."
Boy,"...you love Cheesy Poofs If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame"
Announcer,"That was great, Tommy. Tommy Fritz from Torrey Pines! He could be our winner."
Cartman,"Excuse me, but I do believe that sucked ass!"
Announcer,"Oh, and what's your name, little boy?"
Cartman,Eric Cartman.
Announcer,"Alright, here's Eric Cartman giving it a shot."
Tommy,Aaah!
Cartman,"I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy PoofsIf we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame.I'm talkin' Night-Court-in-it's-fifth-season lame-aaaahh!"
Announcer,Wow!
Cartman,"Thaat's right, suck on that."
Mr. Garrison,"Well, kids, how did you like the planetarium?"
Kyle,"Oh, man, I don't feel so good."
Stan,"Me neither, but... I loved the planetarium."
Kyle,Me too. It was sweet.
Mr. Garrison,Really? What did you like best about it?
Stan,I don't know. I don't even remember what happened.
Mr. Garrison,Wait a minute. Where is Eric?
Cartman,I did it! I did it!
Kyle,Did what?
Cartman,I got a call-back for the Cheesy Poofs song!
Mr. Garrison,You snuck off and sang that stupid song?!
Cartman,"Yeah, dude, but I got in the finals for tomorrow!"
Dr. Adams,"Goodbye, children. Thanks for visiting. Don't forget: we have Laser Rock shows at night here at the plane-'arium. This week it's Laser Kenny Loggins and Laser James Taylor."
Kyle,My head still feels funny.
Stan,"Yeah, mine too."
Cartman,"Hey you guys, when I'm done with that- Cheesy Poofs commercial, I bet I get all the free Cheesy Poofs I want."
Kyle,"Like you really need it, hippo-ass!"
Cartman,"It's sad how jealous you are, Kyle. It really is."
Boy,Waaaah!
"Stan, Kyle",AAAAAH!
Kyle,"Whoa, dude! Who the hell are you?!"
Boy,My... name... is... vvan... G-gelder.
Stan,"Van Gelder?? What the hell are you doing on our bus?! Mr. Garrison, there's some freaky kid from the planetarium on our bus!"
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, great! Well I guess we have to go back!"
Van Gelder,Nnno! Nn-don't go back! Nnno!
Cartman,"Hey, be careful, asshole!"
Van Gelder,Eegh! Don't take me back there!  I can't... can't...
Stan,"Alright, dude. Mellow out, jeez!"
Van Gelder,Aaaagghh.
Mr. Garrison,"We've better get him to the nurse's office, stat!"
Van Gelder,Aagh! The planetarium! Haah!
Nurse Gollum,I'll give him a pain killer. That should calm him down.
Van Gelder,Nno! Nnno pain killer! I'll be okay!
Mr. Mackey,Okay uh van Gelder-
Van Gelder,Nnnaaaah!
Mr. Mackey,"-okay uh I'm Counselor Mackey. Have you been smokin' marijawana? Marijawana's bad, mkay?"
Van Gelder,Eh must... tell... the machine. The machine is... e-e-e-ghe gheh-
Mr. Mackey,"Well, I've never seen anything like this. What do you think, principal?"
Principal Victoria,"Well, whatever happened to him happened at the planetarium."
Van Gelder,Haah! Planetarium!
Principal Victoria,I think tonight the planetarium is doing Laser Loggins. I might have to check it out.
Van Gelder,Nnaaah!
Principal Victoria,"Oh, man, this is boring!"
Man,"Yeah, who the heck finds this stuff interesting?"
Teen 1,"Dude, this is totally killer."
Teen 2,"I hope this goes on for like, seven months, man."
Dr. Adams,You will not remember what happened here. To remember it will cause incredible pain.  Incredible pain!  Incredible icky paaiin!
Teen 1,"Dude, I'm totally tripping."
Teen 2,This is totally killer.
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, today we're going to learn all about Japanese poems called haiku. A haiku is just like a normal American poem, except that it doesn't rhyme, and it's totally stupid. For example- Uh, where is Eric Cartman?"
Stan,That's a haiku?
Mr. Garrison,"No, I'm asking why Eric Cartman isn't at school."
Stan,Oh.
Mr. Garrison,Was he on the school bus this morning?
Stan,No.
Kyle,"Fatass Cartman wasnot on the school bus today.What a big, fat turd."
Mr. Garrison,"Hoh, very good haiku, Kyle. Yes- haikus have five syllables, then seven, then five. Kenny, can you give us another example?"
Kenny,"(When you rub your dick,you might find a discharge thatwinds up on the floor.)"
Stan,Yeah. What's a discharge?
Kyle,"Mr. Garrison, since haiku sucks so much ass, could we go to the planetarium again?"
Stan,"Yeah, I wanna go to the planetarium again, too."
Mr. Garrison,But you were just there! Why do you wanna go again so soon?
Stan,"Yeah, why do we wanna go again so soon?"
Kyle,I dunno. I just have this sudden urge to go back.
Mr. Garrison,"Well, I guess we could go again, since it's just down the street."
Cartman,"Well, hello, it's all my little friends with all their little dreams."
Mr. Garrison,"Eric, where have you been?"
Cartman,"Let's see, where have I been, where have I been?"
Stan,"Where have you been, Cartman?"
Cartman,"Wweell, I might have been over at the Cheesy Poofs call-back, winning regional championship!"
The Class,Whoa!
Cartman,"This is my regional championship certificate! Do you like it?  Hey, where is your regional champsionship 'tificate, Clyde? Oh, you don't have one?  Hmmm. Do you have a regional certificate, Wendy? Nno?  Apparently, only I do."
Kyle,"Ass full of pork fatjiggles like a Jello mold.Mouth is flapping, too."
Cartman,"Your haiku insults have no effect on me, Kyle. I'm regional champion."
Stan,Does that mean you're gonna be on that Cheesy Poofs commercial?
Cartman,It's between me and four other kids. I'm on my way now with my mom to the finals.
Kyle,I bet you don't win.They don't let big fat assesperform on TV.
Mr. Garrison,"Very good, Kyle."
Cartman,"Shut your God-damned mouthor else I'm... gonna... kick yousquare in the balls... ass-holeAw, damn it!"
Mr. Mackey,"Um. How's he doing, nurse?"
Nurse Gollum,"He's stable, but I still can't get any information out of him. I'm gonna sedate him now."
Van Gelder,Nno! No drugs.
Mr. Mackey,"Drugs are good, mkay?"
Van Gelder,Nno! Don't let them g-go... planetarium!
Nurse Gollum,"But why, van Gelder?"
Van Gelder,The machine. The machine is aaaah.
Mr. Mackey,The machine is aaaah? Uh that's probably bad.
Nurse Gollum,"He's been talking about ""the machine"" for hours. That and Daisy Fuentes."
Van Gelder,Wha- why in America's Funniest Home Videos? Why?
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, there's only one way to get any sense out of him. We're gonna have to try a mind meld, mkay?"
Nurse Gollum,A what?
Mr. Mackey,"Well, it's an ancient technique handed down from school counselor to school counselor. I don't like to use it, but it may be our only hope."
Nurse Gollum,"Well, what will you need?"
Mr. Mackey,"Just time to prepare, nurse. Just time.  Mkay?"
Dr. Adams,"Well, children, I'm so glad you came back to learn more."
Mr. Garrison,They just begged to come back; I couldn't get them to shut up about it.
Dr. Adams,"Well, I'm sure we're going to have a marvelous time. Won't we, children?"
The Class,Yes.
Teen 1,"This way, please."
Teen 2,Enjoy your visit.
Dr. Adams,"Billions of stars and billions of galaxies make up our universe. Here you see Polaris, the dog star."
Mr. Garrison,I'm just gonna step outside and go weewee.
Dr. Adams,"Certainly, Mr. Garrison.  You love the planetarium! To be without the planetarium causes you horrible pain! All you want to do is help the planetarium thrive! To not do so makes your stomach ache with needlelike stab-  and right over here we see the constellation Orion.  Orion's belt is made up of three stars, one of which is actually a pulsar..."
Stan,"Dude, what just happened?"
Kyle,What do you mean?
Stan,"Come on, we've gotta get out of here before something bad happens."
Liane,"Don't pick your nose, hon."
Cartman,"I wasn't picking it-I had an itch, for cryin' out loud!"
Liane,Don't be nervous. I'm sure you'll win.
Cartman,I don't know. There's a lot of competition here.
Poor Girl,"Do you think I might win, Mommy?"
Poor Mom,"I hope so, honey. Then perhaps we can eat for a little while."
Cartman,"Hey, look! They're giving away bread outside!"
Poor Girl,"Did you hear that, Mommy?"
Poor Mom,Come on! Perhaps we can get some food in our stomachs!
Cartman,Psych!
Mr. Garrison,What the hell are you boys doing? You're supposed to be in there.
Stan,"Mr. Garrison, we think that the planetarium guy is-"
Kyle,Sshh!
Dr. Adams,"Goodbye, children. Thanks for coming."
Clyde,I wanna go again. I wanna go again!
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, for Pete's sake, Clyde. You just went!"
Dr. Adams,"Well, Clyde, if you like the plane'arium so much, perhaps you'd like to do some volunteer work here."
Clyde,"Yes. Yes, please!"
Butters,"Me, too!"
Annie,"Me, too! I wanna do it! I'd love to work here."
A Girl,I'd like to tape the show!
Fosse,"Yeah, me tohohoo. Plahanehetaharium's gahahay!"
Dr. Adams,Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison,"Well, I guess I could give them extra credit for it."
Dr. Adams,Excellent! Why don't we step over here and I'll show all you children how to volunteer.
The Class,Hooray!
Stan,"Dude, this isn't right."
Kyle,Why?
Stan,"We're kids, dude. We don't volunteer for anything."
Kyle,"Oh, yeah."
Stan,"Come on, we've gotta see what's going on in there."
Kyle,Here's the control panel that operates all the stars.
Stan,"Kenny, you go out there and tell us what you see."
Kenny,(Okay. Got to have some huggin'.)
Stan,He hits this switch-
Kenny,(I don't see anything.)
Kyle,"You see? Nothing, dude. Just a bunch of stars."
Stan,"Yeah, I guess so."
Kenny,"(Whoa, dude.)"
Kyle,What does that do?
Stan,I don't know.
Kyle,Kenny! What's it doing?
Stan,"This says ""maximum.""  Oh my God, we've killed Kenny!"
Kyle,We're bastards!
Stan,"Dude, I told you something was up with this place!"
Kyle,"We've gotta go tell somebody, quick!"
Boy,(clap clap clap)-G-O(clap clap ---)-G-Oand Bingo was his name-oWas a farmer'o had a dog and Bingo was his name-o(clap clap clap-clap)O(clap clap clap-clap clap)O(clap clap clap-clap clap)Oand Bingo was his name-oWas a farmer'o had a dog and Bingo was his name-o(clap)ING(clap)ING(clap)and Bingo was his name-o
Center Judge,"Thank you... uh, Peter. We'll let you know very soon.  Next will be uuh, Eric Theodore Cartman."
Liane,"Hello, everybody.  Now, just do it like we rehearsed, hon."
Cartman,"I know, I know! She works hard for the moneySo hard for it, honeyShe works hard for the money, so you'd better treat her rightShe works hard for the moneySo hard for it, honeyShe works hard for the money, so you'd better treat her right"
Center Judge,"Well, Heric Cartman, that certainly was... insane."
Cartman,Thank you.
Center Judge,We'll let you know.
Liane,"Thank you.  Don't pick your nose, hon."
Cartman,"I'm not pickin' it ma! God damn it, I have an itch!"
Center Judge,"Jesus, where do we find these people?!"
Mr. Mackey,Our minds are one. Mkay? Our thoughts are one. Mkay?
Nurse Gollum,This is the strangest thing I've ever seen!
Mr. Mackey,"Please, nurse, for a woman with a dead fetus on your head, you're not being very open-minded.  Open your mind to your counselor. Open your mind."
Van Gelder,Dr. Adams.
Mr. Mackey,Yes.
Nurse Gollum,He owns the planetarium. What about him?
"Van Gelder, Mr. Mackey",He uses the machine. The star machine.
Mr. Mackey,Mkay?
"Van Gelder, Mr. Mackey",He uses it to erase minds.
Nurse Gollum,But why?
"Van Gelder, Mr. Mackey","Planetarium, about to go out of business. Adams had to create slaves to survive."
Nurse Gollum,My God! This is amazing!
Mr. Mackey,"Abuh. Please, nurse, you're throwin' off my chi! Mkay?"
Center Judge,"Well, we'd certainly like to thank all our finalists. Only one of our finalists can win the grand prize and... unfortunately, that finalist is Eric Cartman."
Cartman,Yes! I'm the best!
Center Judge,You were actually our last choice. Uh the other children have unexpectedly taken jobs as volunteers at the planetarium.
Blonde Judge,That's odd.
Cartman,Sweeet!
Tom,It appears that more and more South Park residents are discovering the wonder and joy of the planetarium. Here with a special report is a 34-year old Asian man who looks strikingly similar to Ricardo Montalban.
Asian Reporter,"Thanks, Tom. Yes, indeed, the planetarium has become very popular as word spreads that it really isn't as lame and stupid as one suspected. I'm here with the planetarium operator, Dr. Adams."
Dr. Adams,"Thank you. I'd like to open an invitation to all South Park residents to come see a special free show this evening. I guarantee, it will change the way you think about the plane'ah-arium"
Asian Reporter,"So, bring the whole family to the plane-tarium for a night of excitement and wonder."
Stan,"...and then we turned the dial, and Kenny went into a kind of hypnosis."
Officer Barbrady,"That's a pretty far-fetched story, boys."
Kyle,"But it's true, dude!"
Officer Barbrady,Are you boys sure you're not just making this all up?
Stan,"Yeah, pretty sure."
Officer Barbrady,"Well, just as soon as I handle all the other crime in South Park, I'm gonna go with you to the planetarium so I can prove that nothing's wrong."
Stan,What other crime in South Park?
Officer Barbrady,"Oh, yeah. Let's go."
Director,Okay. Let's shoot the commercial. Where's our Cheesy Poof talent?
Cartman,I'm over here.
Liane,"Oohh, you look great, hon. Mommy's fat little piggy."
Cartman,Aay!  Let's hurry. This costume is hot.
Director,"Okay, roll camera, aaand action."
Cartman,"I love Cheesy Poofs, you-"
Liane,"Oh wait, wait.  You've got a little eye booger, hon."
Cartman,"Oh, Mom, for Pete's sake!"
Liane,Got it.
Director,Aaand action.
Cartman,I love Cheesy Poofs-
Director,Hold it! Cut! Could we get some more light on that backdrop?
Stagehand,Sure thing.
Cartman,"Oh, man, c'mon!"
Stagehand,Got it.
Director,"Okay. Here we go, aaand action."
Cartman,"I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Chee-"
Director,Cut!
Cartman,What?!
Director,I'm not liking the shoes. Could we change the shoes?
Cartman,"Oh, God damnit!"
Dr. Adams,"Oh. Hello, officer of the law."
Officer Barbrady,"Hello, Mr. Planetarium Operator."
Dr. Adams,What brings you out here?
Officer Barbrady,"Well, these boys seem to think you're some kind of sick weirdo that's got a master plan to screw with the minds of everyone in town."
Dr. Adams,"Oh, really?"
Officer Barbrady,Yeah. I just thought I'd come show them around so they'd know there's nothing to be scared of.
Dr. Adams,"Actually, this is a pretty inopportune time."
Officer Barbrady,"Okay, I'll be quick, then."
Dr. Adams,"Of course, officer. Come on in."
Chef,"Hello, children."
Stan,"Oh, no! They got Chef, too!"
Chef,Welcome to the planetarium.
Officer Barbrady,"Well, it's nice to see you finally got a real job, Chef."
Chef,I love my work.
Officer Barbrady,"Oh I know what you mean. I've always loved the planetarium, too."
Dr. Adams,"Would you like to see the stars, officer?"
"Stan, Kyle",No!
Officer Barbrady,That would be super-duper!
Kyle,"Don't do it, Officer Barbrady!"
An Aged Voice,Hello?
Cartman,"Hi, Grandma. It's me, Eric."
Grandma,"Oh, hello, Eric. Grandma sure has missed you."
Cartman,"I just wanted to remind you that I'm gonna be on television tonight, so be sure to watch."
Grandma,"Oh, I will, Eric. You know, I remember when I was a little girl and had my first talent show audition for-"
Cartman,"Okay, bye."
The Marshes' Answering Machine,Hello? The-uh Marshes aren't in right now. Please leave a message.
Cartman,Stan? I'm gonna be on TV tonight. Be sure to watch.
The Broflovskis' Answering Machine,"Hello, you've reached the Broflovskis. Please, leave a message."
Cartman,Where the hell is everybody?! I'm gonna be on TV tonight. You guys better not miss it!
Dr. Adams,And this is the constellation called Cassiopeia.
Officer Barbrady,"Oh, neato!"
Dr. Adams,"And now, officer, from this moment on, you will think that you are Elvis Presley."
Officer Barbrady,Who?
Dr. Adams,To not be Elvis will cause you great pain.
Officer Barbrady,Pain.
Dr. Adams,"You see, children? There's no stopping me. Even your highly intelligent policemen are no match for me."
Kyle,He's not highly intelligent.
Stan,"Why are you doing this, dude?"
Dr. Adams,"Why? Because nowadays kids have computers, surround-sound television. They've forgotten all about plane'ariums. But I'll make them remember, starting with the two of you!"
Voice-over,Terrance and Phillip will be right back after these announcements.
Cartman,"Oh, dude, here it comes!"
Cheesy Poofs Commercial,"Packed full of ingredients, Cheesy Poofs can really give you that quick pick-me-up. So remember, I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy PoofsIf we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be-"
Cheesy Poof Cartman,Lame.
Voice-over,And now back to Terrance and Phillip.
Cartman,"Yes! Yes, that was me! I was on television!"
Mr. Mackey,Aha! Caught you red-handed! Mkay!
Stan,Mr. Mackey!
Mr. Mackey,"Officer Barbrady, uh, this man is using some kind of mind control."
Officer Barbrady,Wuzzariah? Ulduhooyah? Guh. Ahoohooyuh?
Nurse Gollum,What's wrong with him?
Officer Barbrady,"Ah-yeah, babe, yeah, babeuhyeah hwah yeah hwah wayah ahowowowowayah"
Mr. Mackey,"Oh no, apparently, he thinks he's Charlton Heston."
Dr. Adams,"No, you idiot! He thinks he's Elvis.  Elvis, escort our guests to the plane'arium."
Officer Barbrady,"Holdjit  If you wouldn't mind, uugh. Could you please follow me?"
Mr. Mackey,Uh oh.
Officer Barbrady,Odle-oh who whoo?
Dr Adams,"Well, let's begin, shall we?  And now you'll remember nothing, except that the planet'arium is the best thing you've ever known!"
Cartman,"Well, well well! You guys can now kiss my ass, because I was on television!  Ey! Didn't you guys see it?! I was on television!  You missed it! You missed it because of this stupid planetarium!  Planetariums suck ass!"
Dr. Adams,Aaah. Aaah. Aaah.
Kyle,Cartman! You saved us!
Cartman,What the hell are you talking about?
Stan,Get over here and untie us!
Mr. Mackey,"Eric, you really saved the day. Mkay?"
Officer Barbrady,"Not so fast there, tubby. Uh I'm just takin' care of business."
Mr. Mackey,"Think hard, Elvis. You're not really the king of rock and roll. You're a fat, stupid, worthless policeman in a small town. Mkay?"
Officer Barbrady,"Oh, thank you from a fate worse than death, counselor."
Stan,Oh my God! Dr. Adams!
Kyle,He got a full dose of the stars.
Stan,Yeah. With nobody around to say anything.
Kyle,"Can you imagine it, Stan. A mind, emptied by that... thing."
Cartman,"Wow. What a day this has been. I was on TV, and, I'm a hero."
Liane,"Don't pick your nose, hon."
Cartman,"God damnit, Mom, I wasn't pickin' it! I have an itch!"
Stan,Sgt. Stanley Marsh is trapped behind enemy lines. His only chance of survival is to sneak past the Bosnian guard who stands watch.  Sgt. Marsh knows it's now or never. He must make a run for it.  American base is only a few feet away.
Cartman,What is this? Halt!  It will take more than your weak American weapons to destroy me!
Stan,"Cartman, we shot your Bosnian fat ass!"
Kyle,Yeah! You're dead!
Cartman,"I have Class 4 armor on, that, uh, ih-ih--"
Stan,"No, you don't!"
Cartman,"--special armor, that's impenetrable to American bullets."
Kyle,"Dude! Every time we play Americans vs. Bosnians, you cheat!"
Stan,"Yeah, Cartman, you suck! If you want to play Americans vs. Bosnians any more, you can just play with yourself!"
Cartman,That's fine! I'd like playing with myself! I'll play with myself all day long!  What?
Kyle,Well? Now what are we going to do?
Stan,Huh-I dunno.
Wendy,"Hi, Stan."
Stan,"Hi, Wendy."
Wendy,"Kyle, doesn't Bebe look pretty today?"
Kyle,I dunno.
Wendy,She does. She looks very pretty.
Kyle,Okay.
Wendy,"Stan, can I talk to you for a second?  Stan, wouldn't it be fun if we fixed Kyle up with Bebe?"
Stan,...No.
Wendy,"If Bebe and Kyle were a couple, then we can invite them over to your clubhouse for dinner and play parlor games and have meaningful conversations and sip cognac by the fireplace."
Stan,We could?
Wendy,"Yeah, Stan."
Stan,"But dude, I don't have a clubhouse."
Wendy,You don't?? I thought all guys had clubhouses.
Stan,Just how many guys' clubhouses have you been in?
Cartman,Herr Kommandant Cartman has ways of making you talk!
Kenny,(Heellp!!)
Wendy,"Stan, you have to build a clubhouse! Then all four of us can sit in it and play Truth or Dare!"
Stan,"Truth or Dare? Wow.  Come on, Kyle. We've got work to do."
Kyle,We do?
Stan,We're gonna build a clubhouse. I have to ask my dad for help.
Bebe,Did it work?
Wendy,"I think it did, Bebe. If all goes as planned, Kyle will be your new boyfriend."
Bebe,I hope so Wendy. He's got such a hot ass.
Terrance,"Hey, Phillip, pull my finger."
Phillip,"All right, Terrance."
Terrance,"Hurgh. Oh, wait wait wait. Pull harder."
Phillip,"Well, all right."
Terrance,"Hurgh, urgh.  Damn it! Pull really hard, Phillip!"
Phillip,Okay.
Terrance,"Hurgh-rrh. Waiwait, wait wait. Hrhrhrhrh. Aha! Hr-rhrh. Oh my! Yeee-aaa!  Hurh. Uhwaiwait. Ye-aauraah-  Caught you there!"
Randy,Uh oh!
Phillip,"God. Oh, you got me, Terrance!"
Terrance,"Yes, I sure did!"
Kyle,"Whoa, dude. Your dad is watching Terrance and Phillip."
Randy,"No, I was just uh flipping through the channels."
Stan,"Hey, Dad, we need to build a clubhouse."
Randy,Okay.
Stan,How do we do it?
Randy,"Uh, you just get a hammer and some wood. What? Uh some girls wanna play Truth or Dare or something?"
Stan,"Yeah, dude! How'd you know?"
Randy,How do you think I met your mother?
Sharon,"Randy, my wedding ring! I lost it down the garbage disposal!"
Randy,"Oh, brother."
Sharon,"Stanley, I thought I told you not to watch this horrible cartoon!"
Randy,"Yeah, Stanley, you should know better."
Stan,Dude!
Sharon,"Here, Stanley, You watch nice cartoons like Fat Abbot."
Sharon,"Randy, will you please come get my wedding ring out of the sink?"
Randy,"Okay, okay."
Fat Abbot,"Hey hey hey. What's goin' on, Rudy?"
Rudy,"Man, Fat Abbot, you need to lose weight!"
Fat Abbot,"I'll lose weight when I feel like it, bitch! Shut yo bitchass mouth, ho!"
Rudy,"Bitch, I'll kick yo ass!"
Kyle,"Whoa, dude!"
Stan,Sweet!
Fat Abbot,"You think you're slick, you punkass blasphemous dope-fiend bitch! I had my jimmy whacked seven times last week! I'll bust a cap in yo nigga ass, shithole!"
Kyle,"Wow, cartoons are getting really dirty!"
Sharon,Did you find it?
Randy,"Give me a second, would you?"
Sharon,Don't snap at me!
Randy,I didn't snap at you.
Sharon,You snapped at me!
Randy,Whatever.
Sharon,"What ever?! In fifteen years you've never said, ""whatever,"" to me!"
Randy,"I-I don't wanna fight, I'm sorry."
Sharon,"I'm sorry, too."
Randy,Uh I think I found it.
Sharon,"That's not it, you idiot!"
Randy,"Hey, back off, cunt!"
Sharon,You just said the C-word!
Randy,Did I?
Stan,This is a sweet spot for a clubhouse.
Kyle,"Yeah. Hey Stan, what did your dad mean when he said we're gonna play Truth or Dare?"
Stan,"Oh uh, just that, mmmaybe when we're finished, Wendy and- uh... Bebe can come over and play."
Kyle,"Dude, what kind of sick joke is that? Girls suck ass."
Stan,"Well-uhuh, of course they do, but uh, wouldn't it be sweet to- to play Truth or Dare with them?"
Kyle,What? Why?
Stan,"Because, dude. We could make them do really gross stuff, like eat bugs."
Kyle,Hey yeah! That'd be sweet! We could totally ruin their lives!
Cartman,What are you guys doing?
Stan,We're building a clubhouse.
Cartman,"A clubhouse? Heheh, that's the lamest thing I've ever heard!"
Kyle,"It's not lame, it's sweet! After we build this clubhouse, we're gonna get girls to play Truth or Dare!"
Cartman,Wwwhy??
Kyle,"Because, dumbass, we can dare them to do gross stuff and make them cry! What? Were you born yesterday?"
Stan,"Yeah, now beat it you guys. This clubhouse is private!"
Cartman,That's fine. We'll build our own clubhouse!
Kyle,Fine!
Cartman,"Fine! And then we'll get girls to play Truth or Dare, too!"
Stan,Fine!
Cartman,Fine!
Kyle,Fine!
Kenny,(Fine!)
Kyle,Fine!
Cartman,Fine! That's fine.
Stan,Fine!
Cartman,Fine!
Cartman,"No, Kenny, you can't look, I'm the foreman!"
Kenny,"(Well, why the fuck do I have to do everything while you stand around in the snow lookin--)"
Cartman,"Because, Kenny, your family's poor. You have to be the worker."
Kenny,(Uh--)
Cartman,"No, Kenny."
Liane,"How's the treehouse coming along, hon?"
Cartman,"Mom, it's not a treehouse, it's a clubhouse!"
Liane,"Sorry, hon."
Cartman,Mom? Can we pull up the carpeting in the living room?
Liane,"Well, I don't know, Eric. If you did that, then the floors would be bare."
Cartman,"But Mmmom, the blueprint says we need carpeting in the clubhouse!"
Liane,"Well, all right."
Cartman,"Kenny, my mom says you can go get carpeting in the living room now."
Kenny,(You suck ass and you suck dick!)
Cartman,And stop your bitchin'!
Sharon,"What are you doing, sweetheart?"
Stan,Getting a cookie. We're building a clubhouse and then we're--
Sharon,"You men are all alike. First you get a cookie and then you criticize the way I dress and then it's the way I cook! I suppose next you'll be telling me that you need your space and that I'm sabotaging your creativity. Go ahead, Stanley, get your God-damned cookie!"
Stan,'Kay.
Mr. Garrison,"And so, children, today we're gonna focus on American history, right Mr. Twig?"
Mr. Twig,"Uh- that's right, Mr. Garrison. American history is very important--"
Kyle,When is Mr. Hat coming back?
Mr. Garrison,What did you say?!
Kyle,When is Mr. Hat coming back?
Mr. Garrison,"I told you to never mention that name in my classroom again! Mr. Hat is a two-timin' whore, and now we all learn from Mr. Twig!"
Stan,But Mr. Twig sucks.
Class,Yeah.
Mr. Garrison,"That is enough! Mr. Hat is gone, and he isn't coming back, and I don't wanna hear it! Anyway, children, lets turn our history textbooks to page 105, which should be right after page 104..."
Cartman,"So, how's your lame-ass clubhouse, Stan?"
Stan,"Better than yours, fat boy."
Cartman,"We'll see about that.  Don't forget you need to cut school early and wait for the hot tub, Kenny."
Kenny,"(Yes, sir..!)"
Wendy,Is the clubhouse ready?
Stan,Almost.
Mr. Garrison,Stan? Are you paying attention?
Stan,"Yes, Mr. Garrison."
Mr. Garrison,"Well, then, Stanley. What did I just say?"
Stan,"Um. You said that even though- Charo appeared twelve times on the Love Boat, the episode with Captain and Tennille got higher ratings."
Mr. Garrison,"...Well, okay. I suppose you were paying attention.  Anyway, children, the Love Boat did go on for about eight years. They tried to bring it back recently, but it didn't work. Probably 'cause Robert Urich had to weigh..."
Kyle,"Good guess, dude!"
Stan,Phew.
Bebe,Pass this up.
Butters,Pass this up.
Kevin,Pass this up.
Fosse,P-huh pass this h-up.
Mr. Garrison,"Stanley, are you passing notes to Kyle?!"
Stan,"No, I just--"
Mr. Garrison,"Don't lie, Stan. Lying makes you sterile."
Stan,I'm not lying. Someone just handed me the--
Mr. Garrison,"Stanley, if you think it's so important to keep interrupting my class, then why don't you come up to the front and read your note to Kyle for everyone to hear!"
Stan,But I didn't write the note!
Cartman,"Mr. Garrison, Stan's behavior is having an adverse effect on my education."
Stan,"Shut up, Cartman!"
Mr. Garrison,"Stanley Marsh, you come up here right now and read your note!"
Stan,"Oh, man. Dear Kyle.You have got such a great ass. I could sleep for days on those perked cheeks, let me tell you. I'd like to live with you and wear your ass as a hat for all eternity.Whoa, dude!"
Mr. Mackey,"Now, young man, uh- school is a time for learning, mkay? Not for immature skylarkings."
Stan,What's 'skylarkings'?
Mr. Mackey,"You know, like tomfooleries."
Stan,Who?
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, your parents are here."
Stan,"Oh, no."
Mr. Mackey,Thank you for coming on such short notice. I was just disciplining your son for his skylarkings.
Randy,"Stanley, I... Skylarkings?"
Mr. Mackey,Yeahmkay?
Randy,"Stanley, I want you to explain to me why you were passing notes in school."
Sharon,"Randy, let me handle this. Now Stanley, I want you to explain to me why you were passing notes in school."
Stan,"It wasn't my note, dude. It was some girl's."
Mr. Mackey,"Okay. Stanley, we're all here to get to the root of your behavior disorder."
Sharon,"You really should know better, Stanley."
Randy,"You need to shape up, mister."
Sharon,Don't interrupt me! You always interrupt me when I talk! Can't you see that I--?
Randy,I don't interrupt you.
Sharon,"There, you did it again!  He interrupted me again."
Mr. Mackey,"Okay, uh-- Perhaps you should let your wife finish talking, Mr. Marsh. Now, Stan, I want to you to be--"
Randy,"Okay, I'm sorry I interrupt. But she always takes over any conversation!"
Mr. Mackey,"Uh. U-uh, taking over any conversation's bad."
Sharon,Like you're one to talk! When's the last time you really listened to what I had to say?!
Mr. Mackey,Uuuhh. Mmm mkay.
Randy,When was the last time you had anything interesting to say? It's always gossip and stupid crap!
Mr. Mackey,"Okay uh uh uh-apparently we have a bit of a communication problem here. Uh, Mr. Marsh, tell me how you're feeling."
Randy,"Well- uh, I feel like everything I do is wrong, it doesn't matter what I say."
Mr. Mackey,"Mkay. That's valid. Now, uh, Mrs. Marsh--"
Stan,Excuse me.
Mr. Mackey,-how do you feel?
Sharon,Like I'm a ghost. Like he sees right through me.
Randy,"Oh, please!"
Stan,Hello?
Sharon,"Oh, please yourself!"
Mr. Mackey,"Who tries to control the marriage? And by that I mean, who's dominating the aspects of the relationship?"
Sharon,He is.
Randy,"No, she is."
Sharon,"Oh, I'm sorry! I guess I'm wrong again!"
Mr. Mackey,Mmkay.
Cartman,"Look at it, Kenny. It is the greatest clubhouse ever built.  Oh, man!"
Kenny,(Uh huh)
Cartman,"And we built it, with our own hands. Now all we need is chicks, Kenny."
Kenny,(Yeah!)
Cartman,"All right. You go find chicks, Kenny."
Kenny,"(Well, why do I have to be the one to go and find chicks?)"
Cartman,"Because I have to stay here and work! I still have to shingle the roof, test the foundation, run all kinds of inspections. I've got way too much to do, and all you have to do is to go find chicks! Now, stop your bitchin'!  Mom, can I watch American Gladiators?"
Kyle,Dude! Where have you been? I've been waiting all afternoon.
Stan,I got in trouble for that note Bebe was trying to pass to you.
Kyle,To me??
Stan,"I mean, no. Not to you. Forget it. Come on, dude. We have to finish our clubhouse quick. The girls wanna play Truth or Dare tomorrow!"
Kyle,"We should use nails, dude."
Stan,My mom won't let us.
Wendy,"Hi, guys. How's the clubhouse coming?"
Stan,Pretty good. We're almost done.
Wendy,"Well, hurry! We wanna play Truth or Dare!"
Stan,We're going as fast as we can!
Bebe,"Kyle, could you turn around for a second?  Thank you."
Stan,"Come on, dude, we have to hammer faster."
Kyle,"Hey, Stan. Do you know how to play Truth or Dare?"
Stan,No.
Kyle,"Well dude, how the hell are we supposed to play it, then?"
Stan,I didn't even think about that.
Chef,"And then, they'll ask, ""Truth or Dare?'"
Stan,"And I say, ""Dare!"""
Chef,"No no! You say, ""Truth."""
Stan,"""Truth?"" But that's boring! I want to get ""Dare"" to kiss her."
Chef,"You have to say ""Truth"" the first few times. Or else, you seem too eager."
Stan,Oooh.
Chef,"You can't seem too eager. You've got to play it cool, like you don't even care what happens."
Stan,Yeah.
Chef,"Then, after a few ""Truth""s, you finally answer, ""Dare."""
Stan,"""Dare!"""
Chef,"But not like that, son. Like this: ""Daaare""."
Stan,Oooh.
Chef,And then her little friend will dare you to kiss Wendy.
Stan,You really think so?
Chef,Of course she will. They're women. They've had this whole thing planned out months ahead of time.
Stan,Wow!
Fat Abbot,"Heeyy hey hey. What's goin' down, y'all?"
Rudy,"Man, Fat Abbot. What are you doin' on this side of the 'hood?"
Fat Abbot,"You know somethin', Rudy? You're like school in summertime."
Rudy,School in summertime?
Fat Abbot,"Yeah, bitch, school in summertime!  Open yo' fuckin' ears and shit, ho, or I'll pop your bitch ass."
Donald,"I'llba poppa yourba bitcha assa tooba, bitcha."
Cartman,"What the hell is goin' on in this cartoon?  Oh. Hey, Kenny, did you find any chicks to come to the clubhouse?"
Kenny,(Uh-huh)
Blonde,Hi. We ran away from home.
Brunette,"Well like, this kid told us we might be able to crash at your clubhouse for a couple of days."
Cartman,Holy crap!  Behold! The Ewok Village 2000!
Blonde,"Oh well, I guess it beats living at home."
Cartman,Can I offer you ladies a cool beverage or a tasty snack?
Stan,Hello?
Cartman,"How's the clubhouse coming, Stan?"
Stan,We're working on it.
Cartman,"Well, I just thought I'd tell you that me and Kenny have finished our clubhouse, and we already have chicks over."
Stan,"No, you don't!  Dude!"
Cartman,"It's only a matter of time before we're playin' Truth or Dare with them. Good luck with your piece of crap clubhouse, stupid asshole."
Stan,"Aw, that hunk of fat--  Mom, will you please ask Dad to come help me build my clubhouse?"
Sharon,"Stanley, I think you should know that your father has moved out."
Stan,What?! Why?
Sharon,"Because, we're divorced, Stanley."
Stan,"Divorced? On no. Does that mean you and Dad don't love me anymore? This is all my fault, isn't it?"
Sharon,"Yeah, kind of."
Stan,"...Dude, you're not supposed to say that!"
Sharon,"But I would like you to meet your new stepfather, Roy."
Roy,"Hello, son."
Stan,What?!
Sharon,I'll leave you two alone to get acquainted.
Roy,"Hello, Stanley. I know this must be a very difficult period for you right now, and the adjustment is going to take some time. But I'd like to be your friend. So when you're ready, I want you to feel free to come to me with anything you might need, whether it's advice, or- just someone to play catch with. You can count on me."
Stan,This is happening way too fast.
Roy,"Oh, Jesus! When are you gonna cut me some slack, huh?! I have taken you under my wing and done my best, and all you ever do is whine and moan about it! Now, for the last time, go cut some firewood!"
Blonde,"So, I'm on my way out the door, and she goes, ""Make sure you're home before midnight!"""
Cartman,"Ahaw, that's weak."
Blonde,"And I go, ""Listen, bitch! I don't need my mother giving me no curfew!"""
Cartman,That's killer.
Blonde,"And she goes, ""Yeah, well, if you're not home before midnight, don't bother coming home at all!"""
Cartman,That's totally weak!
Blonde,"So I go, ""Fine! I won't come home!"""
Cartman,Sweet.
Blonde,"And then she goes, ""Fine! Don't come home!"", getting all up in my face and crap and acting all tough and crap."
Cartman,"Killer weak, sweet!"
Blonde,I'm sixteen. I should be able to do what I want when I want.  I don't need her breathing down my neck every two seconds telling me what I can and cannot do!
Cartman,"I had the same thing with my mom the other day. I'm all like, ""Ey! I am not a little kid anymore! Ma, I'm eight years old! And if I wanna fingerpaint, then I'm gonna fingerpaint!"""
Stan,Okay. We're done.
Kyle,"Dude, I don't think this is very sturdy."
Stan,"It doesn't matter, dude. It only has to last long enough to play Truth or Dare. I'm gonna go get the girls."
Kyle,Okay.
Stan,' G'oh?
Sharon,"Stanley, it's time to go!"
Stan,Go where?
Sharon,"Your bastard father has visitation rights, and this is his time with you."
Stan,But no! I have to get the girls to come-
Sharon,"Come on, Stanley!"
Stan,Weak!  Dad?
Randy,"Hey, Stanley, uh, hop in.  Listen, Stanley, I- I know all this change must be tough on you, but you know, your-your mother and I thought it'd be best for all of us if we'd split up."
Stan,But I don't understand why we have to--
Randy,"Well, hello, ladies."
Passenger,"Hi, handsome. We're gonna be at Larry's Bar tonight."
Randy,"I'm already there.  What were we talking about? Oh yeah. See, your mother and I still care about you and your sister. But we just don't like being around each other any more."
Stan,"Well, I don't like being around my sister anymore; does that mean I can leave her, too?"
Randy,"Well, no, because you're a family. You just can't leave family; you have to stick with family, no matter what."
Stan,"But you and Mom are family; how come you can just split up?  You know what I think? I think that when you and Mom got married, you became family. And now that you are, you shouldn't be able to leave her anymore than I can leave my sister."
Randy,"Hoho, Stan, you're so young. You just don't get it.  Well, anyway, have a nice day."
Stan,What? That's it?
Randy,"Yeah. But I loved our time together. I hate to see it end. Go on, get out.  You know that nothing is more important to me than you, right, Stan?"
Stan,"I guess, but--"
Stan,"Okay, dude, the girls are gonna be here to play Truth or Dare any minute."
Kyle,"Stan, if I didn't know you better, I would almost think you're doing this because you wanna play with girls."
Stan,"No way, dude! Don't be silly."
Bebe,"Come on, Wendy."
Stan,"We have to say ""Truth"" a couple of times before we say ""Dare,"" right?"
Kyle,Right. Why?
Stan,"Because if we don't, we'll seem too eager."
Kyle,Too eager to what?
Stan,"To say ""Dare,"" dumbass! Jeez."
Wendy,"Hi, guys."
Stan,"Oh, hi Wendy. What's up?"
Bebe,"Don't you guys still wanna play ""Truth or Dare""?"
Stan,"Yeah! I mean, sure, whatever."
Bebe,Then come on!
Stan,"Remember, ""Truth"" the first couple of times."
Kyle,Okay.
Bebe,Who wants to go first?
Wendy,I will. Kyle?
Kyle,Yeah?
Wendy,Truth or Dare?
Kyle,Umm. Dare?
Stan,Dude!
Kyle,What?
Wendy,How about we give him Bebe?
Bebe,Okay.
Wendy,Okay.
Bebe,Okay.
Wendy,Kiss Bebe on the lips!
Kyle,"What?!! Sick, dude, I'm not kissing a girl!"
Wendy,"What's the matter, Kyle?"
Kyle,"It's just wrong, that's all."
Stan,"Don't be a chicken, dude. Just close your eyes."
Kyle,What the hell have you gotten me into?!
Stan,"Dude, Cartman is in his clubhouse playing Truth or Dare with girls right now. You really want him to beat us?"
Kyle,Hoh boy.  Sick!  Aggghhh! Fucking sickening!
Bebe,"Wow, look at that ass! Shake it, baby!"
Wendy,"Your turn, Bebe."
Bebe,"Okay, Stan. Truth or Dare?  Stan, Truth or Dare?"
Stan,Dare.
Roy,"Son, could you please help me with the firewood?"
Stan,"...Dude, we cut firewood all day yesterday! We have enough to last twelve years!"
Roy,"When will you let me in? Let me love you?! Now, get your ass out here and help me."
Wendy,"Bye, Stan. Hopefully we can play Truth or Dare tomorrow."
Stan,Crap!
Blonde,I think you should be able to move out legally when you're fourteen.
Brunette,Our moms won't even let us smoke.
Blonde,"Yeah, it's my body. My mom always gives me shit for smoking, but it's my body. I should be able to do whatever I want with it."
Cartman,"Totally. Uuuuuh my mom gives me shit sometimes, and I tell her to shut her hole before I kick her in the nuts!"
Liane,"Eric, snookums! it's time for Mommy to tuck you into your snuggleboat for night-night.  Eric, are you out there in your clubhouse?"
Cartman,"Coming, Mom.  Okay, we have to play Truth or Dare, quick!"
Guy in Leather Jacket,"Hey, girls."
Guy with Long Hair,What's up.
Blonde,"Oh hey, Scott."
Cartman,Who the hell are you?!
Brunette,Uh- we invited some people over. Hope you don't mind.
Cartman,How many people?
Bebe,"Kyle, can I talk to you?"
Kyle,Okay.
Bebe,"Kyle, this is very difficult for me. I think we need time apart."
Kyle,Huh?
Bebe,I'm just feeling really trapped. I can't go on with this codependency.
Kyle,"Okay, that's fine."
Bebe,"No, no. Don't speak. Just try and understand. It has to be this way."
Kyle,But I don't care.
Bebe,"Please. Just remember the good times we had. I'll never forget you. Never.  Okay, Clyde, we can go now."
Clyde,Bitchin'.
Host,"These are café curtains that require no sewing, and I know you all love that!"
Stan,Do you mind if I watch cartoons? I've had a rough day.
Roy,Nnuuhunuuhh.
Stan,What?
Roy,Chores. Do chores.
Stan,My dad lets me watch cartoons.
Roy,Well I'm not your dad. Okay? I'm not your dad! You- you can't just go around playing games with my emotions.
Sharon,"Stanley, what did you do to Roy?"
Stan,Roy's a dick! He ruined my chances with Wendy in the clubhouse!
Sharon,"Stanley, you know you're the most important thing to me, right?"
Stan,"If that's true, then get back together with Dad for me!"
Sharon,"Now Stanley, you have to understand how divorce works. When I say, ""you're the most important thing to me,"" what I mean is, you're the most important thing after me and my happiness and my new romances."
Stan,Oh.
Sharon,Bye now. Roy!
Stan,Divorce is stupid.
Fat Abbot,Heeyy heeyy heeyy! Hey Yolanda. Why is your eye all black and blue and shit?
Yolanda,"Maaan, Fat Abbot. My stepdad popped me in my eye."
Fat Abbot,Stepdad? You gotta off his ass!
Yolanda,Really?
Fat Abbot,"Yeah, bitch! Snatch his ass in a bear trap! Leave that motherfucker swingin' from a tree so high nobody finds him for days! Glock-glock, you know what I'm sayin'? Dumbassed motherfucker pullin' shit! Damn!"
Yolanda,"You're right, Fat Abbot. Thanks!"
Fat Abbot,"No problem, ho. Maybe later you can suck my dick, bitch-ho! Shit!"
Bill,"Well, Fat Abbot and the gang sure done learned somethin' today. If you have a stepdad ridin' your ass, just snatch his ass in a bear trap. Grine! No more stepdad. See ya next time eatin' the pudding."
Stan,"Yeah. Yeah, I think I'll write a little note for Roy."
Older kid,"Hey, kid, give me some of those!"
Cartman,Hey! When are we gonna play Truth or Dare?
Blonde,What? That game's for kids.
Cartman,This is bullcrap!
Randy,"Oh boy, it's getting late. I'm gonna have to leave this party."
Cartman,"This sucks, Kenny! I wish we'd never built a clubhouse!"
Punk,Mosh pit!
Kenny,(Huh?)
Cartman,"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!"
Kyle,You bastard!
Sharon,Stanley?! Your father is coming over for visitation! Stan?  Meet me in the clubhouse.
Roy,"Sharon? Sharon, have you seen my copy of Harper's?  Meet me at the clubhouse."
Sharon,"Oh, Randy. What are you doing here?"
Randy,"I, uh, got a note from Stanley to come out to the-uh clubhouse."
Sharon,Oh I thought that note was for me.
Randy,"Oh, maybe it was."
Sharon,"Well, it looks like our little Stanley has built himself quite a clubhouse here."
Randy,I remember not too long ago we were just kids playing kissing games in my clubhouse.
Sharon,Goodnight.
Randy,Sharon?
Sharon,Yes?
Randy,Truth or Dare?
Sharon,It's too late for games.
Randy,"No, I'm serious, please. Truth or Dare?"
Sharon,Truth.
Randy,Do you still love me?
Sharon,"Oh, Randy, I do love you, but- now I'm so confused-uh. I'm living with Roy and-, I don't know how to break it off with him."
Roy,Sharon--  Guh-ow! Uh. Ey! Uh.
Randy,"Well, you never know. Maybe--"
Roy,He-
Randy,--thing will work out.
Roy,Hello?
Sharon,Maybe. I guess it's my turn. Truth or Dare?
Roy,Sharon?
Randy,Dare.
Sharon,Do me. Right here in the clubhouse.
Roy,Hello? Hel-lo? Could- could somebody get me d-? Hello?
Stan,Wow. Clubhouses are magical.
Bebe,Okay. It's my turn. Stan? Truth or Dare?
Stan,Dare.
Bebe,Take this stick and jam it up your peehole.
Stan,...What?!
Wendy,"Wow, that sucks!"
Bebe,Do you think it'll hurt?
Roy,"Hello? I sure am hungry. Anybody? It certainly does suck right here. Hello? Shuh- Sharon? Sharon, hello?"
Host,"Well, Tom and Mary, you've made it to the final round. Are you ready to play for the grand prize?"
Tom and Mary,"We're ready, Bob!"
Bob,Any particular prize you're hoping for?
Mary,"Well, Hawaii's nice, but Tahiti would be fun, too!"
Tom,"Oh, anywhere would be great!"
Bob,Polynesian diggities. I wish you luck. Here we go. What is the thin flap of skin that runs from the base of the penis to the scrotum?
Tom,"Oh. Oh wait wait, I know this."
Mary,The upper vascular hood.
Bob,"I'm sorry, but YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.  Heheh, tell them what they've won."
Announcer,"Tom and Mary, put on your cowboy hats, because you're going to beautiful South Park, Colorado!"
Mary,Where?
Announcer,"That's right, just in time for Cows Days, the world's 45th biggest rodeo and carnival.  Every fall, South Park celebrates Cow Days, and you're gonna be a part of it. You'll stay at the spectacular Super 7 hotel on Bernhardt Road , and enjoy festivities, including prizes, rides, and of course, the world-famous Running of the Cows!  Congratulations, Tom and Mary."
Bob,"Well, Tom, Mary, you must be very excited."
Tom,What was second prize again?
Bob,"That's all for now. See you tomorrow on  ""Ooo, What The Hell Is That!"""
Mary,Shit!
Mayor McDaniels,"Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to kick off the 14th Annual South Park Cow Days!  As most of you know, Cow Days is when we all get together to celebrate and thank the noble, gentle cows.  And now, the chairman of Cow Days, Jimbo Kern!"
Jimbo,This year is a very special Cow Days because we are revealing our all-new Cow Memorial!  Which will live forever in South Park from this day forth. Release the curtain!
Mary,This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen!
Tom,"Now, Mary, this is our only vacation for years. We have to make the best of it."
Mary,"Oh you're right. I'm sorry, honey. We just need to stay positive."
Mayor McDaniels,Now get out to the carnival and enjoy the amazing rides and the wonderful games!
Toss-a-Ball Operator,"Hey, come on over here, kids. Win fabulous prizes."
Kyle,"Wow, dude, check it out! We can win Terrance and Phillip dolls."
Stan,Are those REAL Terrance and Phillip dolls? They look all crappy.
Kyle,"Yeah, they look like cheap rip-offs."
Operator,Sure they're real. They're even made in Canada.
Stan,Really?
Operator,"Yeah, look. They're even signed by Terrance and Phillip themselves."
Cartman,Wwow!
Kyle,"Dude, that kicks ass!"
Cartman,"Oh, dude, I gotta win those. How much to play?"
Operator,Five dollars for three balls.
Cartman,Five dollars?! Jesus Christ!
Operator,"Don't worry, kid, it's easy. You just gotta put one ball through Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth."
Cartman,That's easy!
Operator,"Okay, we've got a player!"
Cartman,Ay! Check it out!  Damn it!
Operator,"Okay, son, you've still got two balls to try and get through her yapper."
Cartman,"Take this, Jennifer Love Hewitt!"
Kyle,"You suck, Cartman!"
Cartman,I'd like to see you do better!
Kyle,Give me that!  Hey! It hit her right in the mouth!
Operator,It's gotta go through her mouth
Kyle,But ih-
Operator,"Sorry, kid, try again. Just five more dollars."
Kyle,"Here, give me some money, Cartman!  Lend me money, fat boy!"
Cartman,"I only have three dollars left, asshole!"
Kyle,Damn it! Come on! I'll try to get more money from my mom.
Jimbo,"Okay, everybody! It's time for the Running of the Cows!"
Kyle,"Mom, give me some money!"
Sheila,"Kyle, what are you doing here?! This is very dangerous!"
Kyle,I need $17 so we can win Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Sheila,"Kyle, get back into the carnival this instant! You can't be out in the street!"
Kyle,I will if you give me money!
Sheila,"Okay, here!"
Cartman,Sweet.
Jimbo,"Okay, everybody, okay. Settle down. Now I know you're all anxious to get to the Running of the Cows, BUT, let me remind you: those brave souls who have decided to run against the cows through town do so at their own risk. I don't think I have to remind you that three people died in last year's Running of the Cows.  With that said, let's rock and roll!  Everybody ready to run?  Release the cows!  They're loose!"
Cows,Mooooo?!
Ned,Ow.
Jimbo,Yeehaw!
Kyle,Okay. We've got $15 between us. That means we get nine balls to throw.
Cartman,"I only need one, dude. I only need one."
Operator,"Come one, come all. Get in line now, for the Chamber of Farts."
Stan,What's that?
Operator,Dare you enter the Chamber of Farts?
Cartman,How much is it?
Operator,"Just three tickets, boys.  Dare you enter the Chamber of Farts?"
Kyle,Is it like a- haunted house or something?
Operator,Sure. It's veery scary.
Cartman,"Let's see: each ticket is a dollar, so three tickets is like two twenty-five."
Kyle,"No. We can't, dude. We have to win the Terrance and Phillip dolls."
Cartman,"Oh come on, you guys. We still have plenty of money left over."
Kyle,"You'd better be right, dude."
Cartman,I'm right!
Operator,Keep your hands in at all times.
Kyle,Okay.
Operator,"So, the Chamber of Farts has another victim, eh? Don't be afraid. There aren't any ghouls here, only FARTS!"
Cartman,Eh! God-damnit!
Stan,What the hell was that?
Operator,"Perhaps you need some MORE FARTS!  All right, boys. Ride's over."
Kyle,That was the dumbest ride I've ever seen!
Stan,Yeah. What the hell kind of carnival company are you?!
Cartman,I don't know what you guys are talking about! That scared the crap out of me!
Kyle,"That was a waste of money, Cartman!"
Operator,"Hey, if you guys want a great ride, get in this line. It's only seven tickets."
Kyle,We can't. We're saving our money for the balls in Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth game.
Cartman,"Kyle, will you relax, you pink eye? We have plenty of money.  Come on, you guys! It'll be sweet!"
Kyle,This ride better be good!
Stan,"Yeah, this line is way too long!"
Cartman,I think we're almost to the end.
Kyle,We'd better be. We've been in line for almost an hour!
Stan,Here we go.
Kyle,Finally!
Line Ride Operator,Did ya enjoy the ride?
Stan,What ride?
Kyle,Yeah.
Line Ride Operator,"This was the Line Ride, a real live simulator of a long line."
Kyle,Ugh. You've gotta be kidding me!
Line Ride Operator,"That's five tickets, thank you very much.  Come see us again soon."
Stan,My ass we will!
Kyle,"Well, Cartman, this is just my opinion, but I think the Line Ride sucked donkey balls!"
Stan,"Yeah, let's not ride that ride again."
Photo Seller,Would you like to buy a photo of you boys enjoying the Line Ride?
Cartman,How much?
Photo Seller,Just three dollars.
Cartman,"Hunh that's, that's pretty sweet."
Kyle,"You dumbass, Cartman!"
Cartman,What? This is cool.
Kyle,"No, it's not cool!"
Cartman,"It is, too!"
Operator,Can I help you boys.
Stan,We're gonna try to win those Terrance and Phillip dolls again.
Operator,"O-kay, five dollars for three balls."
Kyle,"How much do we have left, Cartman?  How much do we have left, Cartman?!"
Cartman,"Aah, three dollars."
Kyle,"What?! You said we had plenty of money, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Yeah, but I didn't take into account the fact that I suck at math."
Kyle,You son of a bitch! Aaargh!
Cartman,Ey! Seriously!
Kyle,"Well, Cartman, thanks to you we don't have any money left to win the Terrance and Phillip dolls!"
Cartman,"Well, I'm sorry!"
Kyle,"Well, sorry's not good enough! What are you gonna do about it?"
Cartman,Hey! I bet Kenny has some food stamps on him!
Kenny,(What? These?)
Stan,Sir? Will you take food stamps for three balls?
Operator,"Sure, as long as they're good."
Kyle,"Give him your food stamps, Kenny!"
Kenny,(Nuh uh)
Kyle,"Come on, dude! I can do it! I'm sure!"
Kenny,"(Dude, these are my fucking food stamps! How am I going to eat without all these food stamps?)"
Cartman,"Damn it, Kenny, don't be such a food-stamp hog! Share with the rest of your friends!"
Kyle,Okay. Here we go.  Hey! That was right on target.
Operator,"Sorry, kid. Try again."
Kyle,That does it! Shenanigans!  SHENANIGANS!
Operator,Uhwhat are you doing?
Kyle,I'm declaring Shenanigans on you! This game is rigged!
Operator,Shenanigans?
Officer Barbrady,What's all the hoo-ha?
Kyle,"Officer Barbrady, I wanna declare Shenanigans on this carnival operator."
Officer Barbrady,Why?
Kyle,This game is fixed! The balls are bigger than Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth!
Officer Barbrady,"If that is true, then your declaration of Shenanigans is just.  What do you have to say, carnival operator?"
Operator,"Look, the kid was really close. He still has another ball left. Leh let's try again, son.  Here you go.  There, you see? We have a winner!"
Kyle,It worked!
Officer Barbrady,"Young man, you can't just go declaring Shenanigans on innocent people! That's how wars get started!"
Stan,"Sorry, Officer Buttbaby."
Officer Barbrady,Barbrady!
Stan,"Oh, I'm sorry. What did I say?"
Officer Barbrady,You said Buttbaby.
Cartman,Sweet.
Operator,"Okay, kid, you won. You get to pick between the Barbie Pocket Mirror and the Bon Jovi Toothpick."
Kyle,No! Dude! I want the Terrance and Phillip dolls up there.
Operator,"Oh, nonono, you gotta win seven times to earn those."
Kyle,What?!
Operator,"You win seven Bon Jovi toothpicks, then you can trade them in for the Terrance and Phillip dolls."
Kyle,"You dirty son of a bitch, you never told us that we had to win-"
Operator,"Step on up, just five dollars to play!"
Kyle,"Damnit, I have to have those dolls!"
Stan,This is hopeless. We're never gonna have enough money to win.
Kyle,"Wait a minute! I've got it! The bullriding contest. Cartman could ride a bull, and try to win $5000.  Think about it, dude: $5000. That's 1000 set of balls. That's 3000 balls! We'd have to win enough to get the dolls!"
Cartman,What the hell makes you think Cartman rides a bull?
Kyle,"Because you spent all of our money on those stupid rides, fatass! Now, either you're getting on a bull or I'm gonna break your fuckin' head open!"
Cartman,"O-kay, I'll- get on the bull."
Kyle,"All right! Now, come on! We have to practice!"
Stan,He really wants those dolls.
Cartman,"I guess, damn!"
Mary,That ride wasn't very good.
Tom,"Now, Mary, you promised me we'd try to have a good time."
Mary,"You're right. I'm sorry, honey, I'll try and have a good time."
Stan,"Hey, uh this mechanical bull's gonna help you practice for the real thing, Cartman."
Cartman,"Hey, this is sweet."
Kyle,"You've gotta try and stay on for ten seconds. Okay, Cartman?"
Cartman,I'll try. Ten seconds is a long time.
Stan,We'll start on the slowest setting and work our way up. Ready? Go.
Cartman,Yikes!  Ow!  Son of a bitch!
Stan,How long was that?
Kyle,That wasn't quite ten seconds.
Stan,"Damn it!  That wasn't ten seconds, Cartman. You have to do better than that."
Cartman,"You guys, eh seriously, my back!"
Kyle,"Get back on, fatass! You have to practice!"
Cartman,Seriously. Help.  Screw you guys. Hate you guys.
Kyle,"What'd you say, Cartman??"
Cartman,I hate you guys!
Kyle,I think he said he wants to practice on a real bull.
Cartman,Hate you guys.
Rancher,"Be careful with old Bob here. He ain't much for a-ridin' anymore, but he's all I got."
Kyle,"Well uh, he'll have to do. Cartman has to get some practice with a real bull."
Rancher,"Well, have fun, boys."
Kyle,"Okay, Cartman. You ready?"
Cartman,Nnoo.
Kyle,Open the gate!
Cartman,"All right, get down. This is my kind of bullride."
Kyle,That bull sucks! He's not even bucking or anything!
Cartman,"Yeah, this is sweet!"
Stan,What are you going to do?
Kyle,Get the bull in the balls with a snowball.
Stan,"Hoh, yeah. That's a good idea."
Cartman,Eeyy!
Kyle,That's better.
Stan,"Hold on, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Ey! Seriously, dude! Do something! Dude, stop this crazy thing!  Mother f-"
Kyle,"Get up, Cartman! You're still not staying on long enough!"
Stan,"Come on, Cartman."
Kenny,"(Oh my God, they've killed Cartman!)"
Kyle,"No he didn't kill him, he's still breathing!  Get up!  Get UP!"
Stan,"You okay, dude?  Cartman, hello? Hel-lo?"
Kyle,"Dude, I think we broke him."
Dr. Doctor,"Boys, I'm afraid your fat little friend has suffered head trauma."
Stan,What's the matter with him.
Dr. Doctor,"Well, apparently, he thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute named Ming Li."
Kyle,..Oh.
Stan,But can he still ride a bull?
Dr. Doctor,What?
Kyle,We need him to win a bullriding contest so we can get Terrance and Phillip dolls. Can he still do it?
Dr. Doctor,"No, boys! You need to take him home and let him get plenty of sleep."
Kyle,Damn it!
Stan,"Cartman. Cartman, can you hear me?"
Cartman,Boinsure li bonsure.
Stan,What?!
Cartman,Boyongture taur lur mahrter.
Stan,"Oh, he's fine, dude."
Kyle,You think?
Cartman,Shunkarah puntaur lah-turi.
Stan,"Oh, yeah, dude. Let's get his ass to the rodeo."
Jimbo,"All right, damn it! We're not going to stand for this! Now, whoever stole our golden cow memorial, we're gonna find you and kill you!  Aall right, uhow about this? Whoever took the sacred cow, just please return 'im, and there'll be no questions asked.  Wait a minute. You folks from out of town. You're the only ones with a reason to take our beloved cow memorial!"
Mary,Where are we going to put a 60-foot tall statue of a cow?
Officer Barbrady,"Oh, I think maybe you'll answer that downtown, tourists."
Mary,Oh my God!
Stan,How's he doing?
Kyle,He still thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute.
Cartman,Pooinshower. Madalen shine debaur. Huelar she mashartah me shur har.
Stan,Do you think he can ride the bull?
Kyle,"Yeah, I think so."
Stan,Cool.
Cartman,"Hello. Hello, polie. Hello, polie hurrah you soldier boy. Hey, soldier boy!"
Soldier,Huh?
Cartman,Hello? Soldier boy. Me so horny. Me love you long time.
Soldier,"Go away, kid. You're grossing me out."
Cartman,"Hello, puhree! Puhree hello! Hello, sucky-sucky! Hello, puhree!"
Soldier,"Beat it, kid! Come on, honey."
Chamber of Farts Operator,"Come one, come all! The Chamber of Farts has been fixed and is reopen!"
Stan,"Jesus, dude!"
Kyle,"Hey, where's Cartman?"
Stan,"Oh, hell!"
Kenny,(I don't know where he went!)
Stan,"Kenny, you go find Cartman. We have to go sign him up for the bull ride."
Kenny,(Okay.)
Tom,"Huh, it's so cold here."
Mary,Where is that sheriff?! We need water!
Tom,"Oh well, let's try to make the best of it, Mary."
Mary,You're right. We're not being positive. At least we get some time alone.
Tom,"Yeah, and at least we've got our health."
Grey Hat,"I tell you, Mitchell, I ain't never seen nothin' like it."
Mitchell,Where are they again?
Grey Hat,Just right up over this ridge.  That's what they've been doin' all morning: sittin' there and mooin'. And more cows come all the time.
Mitchell,"Well, I ain't never seen this before, neither. But I know one thing: when cows start gettin' together, it can't be good. They might start formin' a cult!"
Grey Hat,Hm. Cow cult.
Announcer,"The grand-daddy of them all, the South Park Cow Days Rodeo! Let's begin the bullriding event. Grand prize: $5000!"
Stan,"Kenny, where the hell is Cartman?!"
Kenny,(I don't know. I can't find him.)
Kyle,"He's up in, like, twenty minutes!"
Kenny,(All right! I know!)
Cartman,"Hello, fren! Hello!"
Stan,There he is!
Cartman,"Sucky-sucky, five dollar."
Grey Hat,"There they are, just like we told you."
Jimbo,"Okay, that's enough o' that! You cows need to dis-perse!  All right, bad cows! Do you hear me? Bad cows!  All right, Ned. You're gonna have to bust out the whip!"
Ned,"Mmmm-gahyah! Git along, little doggies!  Bad cows stay! Stay!  AAAAAH!"
Jimbo,"Holy smokes! Play dead, Ned!"
Grey Hat,I reckon we should get some help.
Mitchell,I reckon.
Kyle,"Don't be nervous, Cartman. This is gonna be cake."
Stan,"Yeah, and then those Terrance and Phillip dolls will be ours!"
Cartman,Hucky-sucky five dollar.
Announcer,"Up first, No. 24, Jack McMack!  Three, two, one."
Jack,Yeehaw! Yeeha! Yeehaw!  Aaaaaaaa!
Announcer,"Oooh, that's gonna cost him a point deduction.  Up next, no. 14, Ming Li!"
Cartman,"Ten dollar? Eight dollar? You give me eight dollar, soldier boy!"
Announcer,Here we go!
Stan,"Dude, I'm having second thoughts about this."
Kyle,What do you mean?
Stan,I'm startin' to think that maybe it's wrong to put someone who thinks they're a Vietnamese prostitute on a bull.
Announcer,Let her go!
Cartman,Eey! Freline furton! Sucky-sucky!
Kyle,"Hang on, Cartman!"
Announcer,"Wow, and this Vietnamese prostitute can really ride a bull!  I guess she's had a lot of practice, if you know what I mean."
Cartman,"Aaah! Ten dollar!  Ten dollar, soldier boy!"
Announcer,She's setting a new world record!
Crowd,Ming Li! Ming Li! Ming Li!
Cartman,Gaaah!  Heeee!
Stan,"Dude, that bull's gonna kill him."
Kyle,"Go help him, Kenny!"
Kenny,"(Huh-uh, I ain't gonna get inside that ring! Aaah!)"
Stan,"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!"
Kyle,You bastard!
Announcer,And this brave little whore from the East has really put on a show for us today!  The winner of the bullriding contest: Ming Li!
Cartman,"Hey, sucky-sucky? Only ten dollar."
Stan,"We did it, dude, we did it!"
Agent,"Freeze, cows!  The game is over! You will now return to your respective towns!"
Jimbo,"You hear that, cows? You're surrounded! There's no way out!"
Agent,You will now all march in an orderly fashion into this trailer!  Move!
Jimbo,"Hey. Where's she going? That's the wrong way, you stupid cow!"
Agent,"Oh, dear Jesus, no!"
Cow,Mooooo!
Jinbo,"Nnoo!  They're killing themselves! Stop! Please!  Can't we do anything?! Oh, God, the humanity, Ned! The humanity!"
Agent,This is the first mass cow suicide I've seen in- at least eight months.
Toss-A-Ball Operator,"Oh, you boys are back again, huh?"
Stan,Yeah. And we have $5000 this time.
Kyle,How many ball does that get us?
Cartman,Odline daur shunba shunba?
Toss-A-Ball Operator,"Aw I ah- I tell you what, boys. Uh, I'm gonna be really nice and just- trade you the 5000 for the Terrance and Phillip dolls."
Kyle,You will?
Stan,"Wow, why'd you get so cool all of a sudden?"
Kyle,"We did it! You see, Cartman? You won us the Terrance and Phillip dolls!"
Cartman,Ten dollar? Sucky-sucky?
Kyle,What are we gonna do with them?
Stan,We should-
Kyle,..What the-?
Stan,"Dude, these dolls are cheap rip-offs!"
Kyle,After all that?! Shenanigans! Shenanigans! SHENANIGANS!
Officer Barbrady,What's all this?
Kyle,"Officer Barbrady, I would like to reinstate my previous Shenanigans! This whole carnival is a rip-off!"
Mr. Garrison,"You know, uh, excuse me, but I agree. These rides are really stupid! Chamber of Farts isn't scary at all!"
Father Maxi,"Yeah, and the food is terrible!"
Chamber of Farts Operator,"Hey, it's just a stupid rodeo. What do you expect?"
Officer Barbrady,"Ho-kay okay, let's calm down. People of South Park, do you declare Shenanigans on the carnival people?"
Townspeople,Yeah!
Officer Barbrady,"Okay, carnival people, do you accept this decree of Shenanigans?"
Woman,..What the hell are you talking about?! This whole town is screwy!
Officer Barbrady,"Well, that settles it! Everybody grab a broom, it's Shenanigans!"
Mayor McDaniels,You found it! You found the memorial!
Jimbo,Yep.
Mayor McDaniels,"And the cows? Are they all back, too?"
Jimbo,"They're dead, mayor. They're all dead."
Mayor McDaniels,What?!
Jimbo,"Oho, it was awful!  Cow after cow taking its own life, and we could do nothing to stop them! Oh, God!"
Mayor McDaniels,"Well, perhaps, one day, cows will learn that cults are never a good thing."
Jimbo,"I hope so, Mayor. I hope so. Uhud I need a cold beer and a burger.  What's all the ruckus over there?"
Mayor McDaniels,Sounds like somebody declared Shenanigans!
Jimbo,"Oh, hell, I have to run home and get my broom!"
Officer Barbrady,"All right, you damned carnival people. Into jail with-  Oooooh?"
Jimbo,"Hey, aren't those the people we at first thought took the wooden cow?"
Officer Barbrady,Yeah.
Mayor McDaniels,Didn't we ever release them?
Jimbo,"Aw, I forgot all about them."
Officer Barbrady,"Uh me, too."
Mayor McDaniels,"Oh my God! Officer Barbrady, ugh, you never had Tom and Mary in this cell."
Officer Barbrady,I didn't?
Mayor McDaniels,"No, no. In fact, they never came to South Park. We've never heard of them."
Officer Barbrady,"Ooh, phew, I feel a lot better, then, although I could've swore that I had heard of them and they starved to death in my prison."
Stan,"Say, Terrance, let's look for treasuh."
Kyle,"Oh. Good idea, Phillip. Let's look for treasuh."
Cartman,What are you guys doing?
Stan,"Oh, hey, Cartman. How are you feeling?"
Cartman,"Oh, pretty good, except I had the weirdest dream last night."
Kyle,Really? What about?
Cartman,"Well, I dreamt that I was a poor Vietnamese girl, and then you guys made me ride a big, scary bull, and then Leonardo DiCaprio gave me a spankin' for several hours.  Eeyy, where did you guys win all those Terrance and Phillip dolls?"
Stan,Oh-h. Nowhere.
Cartman,Wait a minute! You guys did make me ride that bull!
Kyle,"No! Cartman, that was just a dream!"
Leonardo DiCaprio,"Bye, Ming Li. Thanks again."
Cartman,Oh! Son of a bitch!
Cartman,"Stinky britches, you got stinky britchesStinky, stinky britches, you got stinky--"
Kyle,"What the hell are you singing, Cartman?"
Cartman,"This new song by Alanis Morissette. I can’t get it out of my head.Stinky britches, you got stinky britches"
Mr. Garrison,"Hello, children. Ready for lunch?"
Cartman,"Stinky britches, you got stinky, stinky--"
Mr. Garrison,"Eric, is there a problem?"
Cartman,"Yeah, I can’t get this stupid song out of my head."
Mr. Garrison,"""Stinky Britches"" by Alanis Morissette?"
Cartman,"Yeah. Stinky, stinky britches"
Mr. Garrison,"Children, did you say hi to Mr. Twig?"
Mr. Twig,"Hi, boys. How are you?"
Kyle,When is Mr. Hat coming back?
Mr. Garrison,I told you never say his name in my presence.
Stan,But we hate Mr. Twig. Mr. Twig sucks.
Kid,Yeah.
Cartman,"Stinky britches, you got stinky--"
Mr. Garrison,"It just so happens that Mr. Twig is far more stable than Mr. Hat could ever be, so he's the better puppet now--"
Kyle,He'd be better used as a coat rack.
Mr. Garrison,"How dare you! Come on, Mr. Twig."
Chef,"Hello there, children."
Boys,"Hey, Chef."
Cartman,"You got stinky britches, stinky--"
Chef,What did you say?
Kyle,He singing some new hit song.
Chef,"Eric, where did you hear that song?"
Cartman,"It’s all over the place. On the radio, MTV, everywhere."
Chef,"Well, I'll be sodomized on Christmas."
Stan,"What, dude?"
Chef,"Children, I wrote that song 20 years ago."
Cartman,You wrote it?
Chef,Yeah. Back when I used to be in the rock business. And now it looks like some big record company has published one of my songs.
Kyle,"Wow, then you should get money for it!"
Chef,"Aww, I don't want any money. I just like to see my name on the credits, that's all."
Kyle,"Then we should go to the record company. My dad's a lawyer, dude; he tells me about this stuff all the time."
Chef,"Well, all right. Maybe I will go. I’ll play them my version of the song."
Chef (recording),"Stinky britches, you got those stinky britches."
Chef,"So you see, Mr. Big Record Producer,  ""Stinky Britches"" was something I wrote several years ago."
Producer,"Hmm… I really so no resemblance between that song and ""Stinky Britches"" by our artist, Alanis Morissette."
Chef,Huh?
Kyle,It’s the same goddamn song!
Chef,"Now, look, I’m trying to be cool about this, but you just can't rip people's music off! It's against the law!"
Producer,"I am above the law!  Mr. Chef, I’m afraid you leave me no alternative. We’re going to sue you."
Chef,"Sue me?! You stole one of my songs, and you’re gonna sue me?"
Producer,Yes. I suggest you get a real good lawyer. We’ll have the best in the business.
Kyle,We’ll get my dad to be Chef’s lawyer!
Cartman,"Yeah, and he’s Jewish."
Alanis Morissette,"Stinky, stinky britches, stinky britches"
Mr. Garrison,"Mr. Twig, is that you?  Mis-Mr. Twig?  Aagghh!! Mr. Twig! No!  Who did this to you, Mr. Twig?! Who?!"
Gerald,"Now, just let me do all the talking, Chef. We’re gonna bring these bastards down."
Chef,Right.
Judge Moses,This court is now in session. Who's representing the defense?
Gerald,"I am, Your Honor. Gerald Broflovski."
Judge Moses,And representing the prosecution?
Prosecutor,"I am, Your Honor. Johnnie Cochran."
Gerald,Uh-oh.
Chef,"Why ""uh-oh""?"
Gerald,"Chef, that's Johnnie Cochran. He's the guy who knocked O. J. off."
Chef,Uh-oh.
Mr. Garrison,I need some help over here! Please help! I think he's got third-degree burns!
Dr. Doctor,Give the child to me.
Mr. Garrison,"Is he going to be all right, doctor?"
Dr. Doctor,Uhhh…
Mr. Garrison,Is he going to live?
Dr. Doctor,It's a stick.
Mr. Garrison,"Dammit, don't give me that medical jargon! Just tell me straight, is he going to be okay?!"
Reporter,"And so on this 15th day of what is considered to be the most important trial of the…day, Johnnie Cochran has appeared to defend Capitalist Records. The question now is, will Cochran use his famous Chewbacca defense?"
Cartman,What's a Chewbacca defense?
Kyle,I don't know.
Stan,That's what Cochran used in the O. J. Simpson trial.
Cartman,"Goddamn,  I hate that Cochran guy! If he was in front of me, I'd be like, ""Hey! You stupid son of a bitch! You-- How... How'd you like me to kick you in the nuts?!"""
Kyle,"I'm sure that would scare the hell out of him, Cartman."
Gerald,"And so, in summation, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you've heard the version of my client's song recorded over twenty years ago. You've heard the exact same song produced by those cheats in the past month. I'd say it's pretty much an open-and-shut case. Make the right decision. Thank you.  We've got 'em."
Judge Moses,"Mr. Johnnie Cochran, your closing arguments."
Cochran,"Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, Chef's attorney would certainly want you to believe that his client wrote ""Stinky Britches"" ten years ago. And they make a good case. Hell, I almost felt pity myself. But ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one, final, thing I want you to consider.  Ladies and gentleman, this is Chewbacca.  Chewbacca is a Wookie from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about that. That does not make sense."
Gerald,Dammit..!
Chef,What?
Gerald,He’s using the Chewbacca defense.
Cochran,"Why would a Wookiee, an 8-foot-tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor with a bunch of 2-foot-tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: ""What does this have to do with this case?"" Nothing.  Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me, I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca. Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberating and conjugating the Emancipation Proclamation... does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests."
Judge Moses,"O-kay, then."
Cartman,"Wow, he’s good."
Reporter,"In a teary-eyed courtroom, Johnnie Cochran has just finished his closing arguments, and, as anticipated, he did use the Chewbacca defense.  Whether or it worked... is up to the jury to decide."
Judge Moses,How find you find the jury?
Foreman,"We find the defendant, Jerome ""Chef"" McElroy… guilty as charged."
Gerald,Whoops.
Chef,Whoops?!
Judge Moses,"Mr. Chef, you have been found guilty of harassing a major company label. The full fee of $2 million will be handed over within 24 hours."
Chef,Do I look like I have $2 million?
Judge Moses,"Well, you have 24 hours to find it, or else you have to go to jail. For eight million years."
Bailiff,"Uh, it's actually for four years."
Judge Moses,"Oh, sorry. You'll got to jail for four years."
Chef,This can't be happening..!
Stan,"Oh, no, dude. Chef's gonna go to jail."
Producer,"And that chair, too. I want that chair."
Chef,"Hey, that's my favorite chair!"
Producer,"You heard the judge. Since you lost the case, I can seize whatever I want to pay my legal fees. Yeah, take that water cooler, too."
Stan,"Hello there, Chef."
Chef,"Hey, children."
Kyle,What's going on?
Chef,"Children, that record company guy is takin' all my belongings. And if I don't come up with $2 million, I'm going to jail."
Stan,"Well, don't worry. We came over to cheer you up."
Kyle,"Yeah. Ready, Cartman?"
Cartman,"Ready. I will do the German dance for youIt's fun and gay and tra-la-laI hope my will enjoy my danceFiddle-e-aye, fiddle-e-aye ayWould you like some sauerkraut, German boy, German boy?Yes, I'd like some sauerkraut--"
Chef,"Okay, okay, children, thank you very much. I feel much better."
Stan,You do?
Chef,Sure. Just please stop.
Cartman,See? I told you guys it would work.
Kyle,"What's that, dude?"
Chef,This? This is my photo album of all my times in the rock business.
Kyle,Did you ever know any famous people?
Chef,"Did I? Janis Joplin, The Beatles, Elton John... I got to travel all around the world, hanging out with bands, going to lavish parties, lovin' many, many women."
Cartman,What's that?
Chef,Nothing.  Anyway--
Producer,"Take this, too."
Chef,Hey! That has no monetary value! What the hell are you taking that for?!
Producer,I can take whatever I want.
Chef,But I have 24 hours to come up with your money! That's the law!
Producer,I am above the law!  I told you not to mess with me.
Chef,"That does it. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna raise that $2 million, but I'm not going to use it to pay you back. I'm going to use it to hire Johnnie Cochran myself and sue you!"
Producer,You wouldn’t.
Chef,Watch me. Now get the fudge out of my house!
Mr. Garrison,"I brought you some more juice, Mr. Twig. Are you feeling any better?  I don't know who would want to hurt you like this, but I promise nobody will ever hurt you again, ever.  Mist-Mr. Twig... are you okay? Mist-Mr. Twig..?  Aaaggghhh!! Mr. Twig is broken in half! Who did this?!  You won't get away with this, you bastards!"
Chef,"Okay. Thank you, Mr. Cochran.  Well, Johnnie Cochran will take my case if I can pay his legal fee, $2 million."
Stan,"Hey, why don't you ask all those famous people you used to know for money? They're rich."
Chef,"Oh, they wouldn't remember me. All I did was cook for them."
Kyle,"You can raise $2 million, dude. We'll help you."
Chef,"I appreciate that, children,  but raising $2 million is not an easy thing to do.  My only hope is to whore myself to every woman in town.  Wish me luck, children."
Stan,"We've gotta help him, dude."
Kyle,"Yeah, b-but how?"
Stan,Come on. Maybe those rock stars will remember Chef. Let's go pay them a visit!
Kyle,"Whoa, dude, this house is huge."
Stan,"Yeah, it's bigger than Cartman's ass."
Cartman,"No, it isn't, you guys."
Butler,Can I help you?
Cartman,"We're trying to raise money for our friend, Chef.  Would you like a Moon Crunchie or a Snacky Cake?"
Kyle,Are you Elton John?
Bulter,"No, I’m one of his butlers."
Kyle,"Oh. Then what the hell are we talking to you for? Come on, guys.  Hi, are you Elton John?"
Elton,"Sir Elton John. I was knighted, you know."
Kyle,We're trying to raise money for our school chef.
Cartman,We have Chocolate Nuggies and S'more Crunchies…
Elton,"I'm sorry, but I'm not a big candy bar fan."
Cartman,What?!
Stan,Could you just buy a couple anyway? Our friend Chef is really--
Elton,Chef? You mean Chef-Chef?
Kyle,"Yeah, dude."
Stan,"Wow, you remember him?"
Elton,Of course. I haven't seen him for so long. I remember when I first met him. It was about 25 years ago.
Elton,I was a struggling musician who couldn't get a break.
Elton,"Oh, oh, you're my cheddar cheese girlYou're soft but firm, and you go well with wineOh oh, cheddar cheese girlCheddar, cheddar cheese girl"
Man,Boo!
Chef,"Hey, Elton, don't feel so down, baby. Have some of my Scottish haggis. It'll cheer you up."
Elton,"Thanks, Chef. I just don't understand what my music is missing."
Chef,"Look, Elton, you are a great singer, but a retarded monkey could write better lyrics."
Elton,"I really thought I had it this time with ""Cheddar Cheese Girl""."
Chef,What you need is a guy to write really good lyrics for you. I know a guy named Bernie Taupin who's working at Moth Burger right now. I'll give him a call.
Elton,That's a great idea!
Chef,"And, Elton, why don't you get yourself some new threads? You know; some slick glasses and shit."
Elton,"And so I got Bernie to write my lyrics. And if it wasn't for Chef, I would never have had a career in music."
Stan,So will you buy some of our candy bars to help him out?
Elton,"Yes, of course. I'll buy three Crispy Yum Yums."
Cartman,Three Crispy Yum Yums.
Stan,"Hey, Elton, if I give you these lyrics, will you write a song for my girlfriend, Wendy?"
Elton,"Sure, kid. But I would retain exclusive worldwide rights,  including but not limited to Asian territories, with a 20% commission from all domestic sales, and sole ownership of any and all publishing."
Stan,'Kay.
Elton,Tell Chef I said hi.
Stan,"Thanks, dude."
Kyle,"Dude, we'll have Chef's $2 million in no time!"
Sheila,"Oy..! Thank you, Chef."
Chef,"No problem, Ms. Broflovski. Uhh, now, about that hundred bucks?"
Sheila,"Oh, of course!  Here you go.  Leaving so soon?"
Chef,I have a lo-o-o-o-o-ong way to come to go to raise the kind of money I need.
Sheila,"Well, best of luck to you, then."
Gerald,"How was it, honey?"
Sheila,Pretty much what I expected.
Stan,"Hello, are you Meat Loaf?"
Meat Loaf,Yeah. What the hell do you want?
Cartman,"Mr. Loaf, we are selling candy bars for our dying friend."
Kyle,"He’s not dying, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Shut your goddamn mouth.  We have Nilla Crunchies, Berry Bars--"
Meat Loaf,What's this for?
Stan,"Our friend, Chef."
Meat Loaf,Chef's in trouble?
Kyle,Yeah. Do you know him?
Meat Loaf,Do I?
Cous-Cous,Nobody came again.
Chef,"There, there, Cous-Cous. It'll be all right. Maybe you just need to change your image."
Cous-Cous,What do you mean?
Chef,"Nobody wants to see a guy named Cous-Cous. You need a big, strong beefy name."
Cous-Cous,"Beefy? Like, uhh… Tri-tip!"
Chef,"That's not bad. Here, have some meat loaf."
Meat Loaf,I owe everything to Chef.
Stan,Wow! So you'll help him?
Meat Loaf,You bet. Give me a box of Nilla Yum Yums and a couple of Berry Bars.
Boys,Cool!
Ms. Crabtree,"All right, let's get this show on the road! Come here, baby!"
Chef,"Uh-uh, hold on a second, Ms. Crabtree. How would you like to use some… sex toys?"
Ms. Crabtree,Sex toys? Like what?
Chef,"Like this very special device.  I call it ""Chef’s pleasure bag""."
Ms. Crabtree,How does it work?
Chef,"Now, all you do is put this paper bag over your head, and it increases your sexual pleasure."
Ms. Crabtree,"Really? Well, hell, let's give it a shot."
Chef,"Ahh, yeah. That's much better."
Rick James,Sure. I'll do anything for Chef. Give me a box of those Choco-Numbers.
Kyle,"Gosh, thanks, Rick James."
Stan,"Yeah, thanks.  That’s $35. Come on, you guys, we've gotta hurry and give this money to Chef!"
Mayor,"Ohh, that was wonderful, Chef. Good show."
Chef,I can't keep doing this. It's killing me.
Mayor,"Oh, come on, buck up, little fella."
Chef,I'm serious! I'm not gonna make it.
Mayor,"Sure you are, Chef. I'll give a hundred more for another romp.  Aw, hell..!"
Mr. Garrison,"Thank you for coming, Officer Barbrady."
Barbrady,What's this all about?
Mr. Garrison,"These pictures just arrived.  I set up a camera, and caught Mr. Twig's assailant red-handed.  Now, go arrest him!  What..?"
Barbrady,Can I go now?
Mr. Garrison,"Yes—Yes, I’m sorry."
Barbrady,Weirdo.
Mr. Garrison,It can't be. These can't be right.  Mr. Hat!
Stan,Wait! Wait! What are you doing?
Chef,"It's over, children. I couldn't raise the $2 million to hire Johnnie Cochran. Now I have to go to jail."
Stan,"No, you don't!"
Chef,Huh?
Kyle,We went to a bunch of rock stars and sold them candy bars to raise the money you needed.
Chef,Did what?! Wow! How much did you make?
Kyle,Cartman?
Cartman,"Well, you can see here that we raised approximately $95, falling well short of our $2 million goal illustrated here."
Chef,Oh.
Kyle,But we can put our money together with the money you made whoring yourself to all the women. How much did you make?
Chef,"I made about $410,300, but--"
Producer,"That doesn't matter, because that money belongs to me!"
Stan,You can't take Chef's money! It's illeg--!
Producer,I am above the law!
Officer,"All right, you, it's time to go."
Chef,"Goodbye, children. Thanks for all your help."
Officer,Let's go.
Chef,Ow! What the hell did you do that for?!
Officer,"I don't tell you how to do your job, don't tell me how to do mine."
Chef,Ow! (whack) Ow!
Kyle,Dude… Chef is gone.
Stan,No more Chef.
Cartman,No more Salisbury steak and… pecan pie.
Stan,"We can't let him down, you guys."
Stan,"Dude, it's over. He's gone."
Stan,No! Chef wouldn't give up on us. How many times has Chef gotten us out of trouble?
Cartman,Four.
Kyle,But what are we gonna do?
Stan,"It's easy, dude. Chef Aid."
Kyle,Chef Aid?
Stan,"Yeah. We set up a stage, and have Cartman do the German Dance. Then we charge people for tickets."
Kyle,"Hey, that's a great idea!"
Cartman,Yeah!
Mr. Garrison,"Did you think I would just take you back? Like you can just, walk out and then, come back like nothing happened? Oh, don't look at me like that, Mr. Hat. Remember, you're the one that left.  I'm not going to take you back.  You can just go to hell!  You go to hell and you die!  You are a lying bowl of turd, Mr. Hat!  I hope you starve, you lousy son of a bitch!  What are you all looking at? This is just between me and Mr. Hat."
Dr. Doctor,"It's over, Mr. Garrison. This is it. We had enough."
Mr. Garrison,What do you mean?
Barbrady,"I'm afraid it's the big house for you, fruitcake."
Mr. Garrison,What? Jail?
Cartman,"I will do the German dance for youIt's fun and gay and tra-la-la I hope my will enjoy my dance Fiddle-e-aye, fiddle-e-aye ay"
Kyle,Hmm... This isn't going over so well.
Stan,"Cartman just needs to put more into it. Dance better, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Would you like sauerkraut, German boy, German boy?Yes, I'd like some sauerkraut, Fräulein Setski"
Elton,"Howdy ho, boys."
Stan,Elton John! What are you doing here?
Elton,It occurred to me that you might need some more help raising money for Chef.
Stan,"Boy, do we!"
Elton,"So I called a few friends, and we all decided to come over."
Kyle,"Wow, cool!"
Elton,I see you've got a stage all set up for us.
Stan,"Yeah, dude, it's all yours."
Elton,"Then, let’s rock and roll! Or something similar."
Cartman/ Kenny,Hooray!
Mr. Garrison,"...And Mr. Twig is at home; he has no idea Mr. Hat is even back. I mean, I care a lot about Mr. Twig, but Mr. Hat and I have so much history."
Chef,"You finally snapped, huh, Garrison?"
Mr. Garrison,What?
Chef,"Don't you get it, Garrison? It's all you! You're Mr. Hat and Mr. Twig! You've got split personality schizophrenic jeebies."
Mr. Garrison,"I warn you, Chef, don't even think of taking advantage of me in this prison cell."
Chef,What?!
Teen MC,"Okay, thanks for coming to Chef Aid, everybody! Are you ready to rock 'n' roll?!  Whoo!  All right, let's get things going with… Rancid!  Ran-cid!"
Rancid,"California sun has sunk Behind the Anaheim Hills, here it comes tonight I was high on junk--"
Mr. Garrison,"You're still aren't entertaining ideas of raping me in this prison cell, are you, Chef?"
Chef,"No, Garrison! Shut the hell up!"
Mr. Garrison,That's good.
Chef,What the..?
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, boy, we're free!  Wow, what a daring rescue.  Mr. Hat!  Mr. Hat saved us, Chef!  Come on, let's get in the truck! I'll drive from here, Mr. Hat."
Chef,How the hell did he reach the gas pedal?
Rick James,Mmmmm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mmmm…
Teen MC,"Rick James, ladies and gentlemen!"
Rick James,"God bless you, Chef!"
Teen MC,"And now here's your favorite band, Primus! Whoo!"
Les Claypool,"We're damned proud to be here to support our good buddy, Chef. It was Chef who told us in the early days, to keep trying and to keep pursuing our dreams, no matter how much we sucked. I love that man."
Mr. Mackey,Whooaa..!
Producer,What are you bastards doing?
Kyle,We are raising money so that Chef can hire Johnnie Cochran to sue you!
Cartman,Yeah! Now get out of here before I kick you in the nuts!
Producer,"Oh, yeah? We’ll just see about this!"
Teen MC,"And now, here’s Joe Strummer!  Whoo!"
Joe Strummer,"You know, when The Clash were on tour and we lost the beat, Chef would be like at the side of the stage going, ""Don't forget, pump your loins, children."" You know, that was like his motto or something."
Teen MC,Whoo!
Strummer,"Well, it's a rockin' worldMake no mistake about it It's a shocking world Could be what's so great about itIt's a rockin' world..."
Chef,What the hell is this?
Everyone,"Welcome to Chef Aid, Chef!"
Stan,"Wow! How'd you get out of jail, Chef?"
Chef,"Mr. Hat busted me out. Children, did you do this?"
Kyle,"Well, we helped."
Stan,"We’re gonna raise your money, Chef."
Chef,I don’t believe it!
Producer,We’ll just see how long this Chef Aid thing lasts.
Teen MC,"And now, here he is: TV's Ozzy Osbourne!"
Ozzy,"We're all here to help our good friend, Chef, who has touched our lives in the past.  I remember when I was just starting out, Chef suggested I buy a pompadour hat. I thought he said, ""Bite the head off a bat"", so I did. And the rest, oh, it's just history. Now, let's go crazyyy! Ain't nowhere to run Ain't nowhere to hide  Aarrggghhh!!!"
Kenny,"(All right dude, let me go now!)"
Stan,"Oh, my God! Ozzy Osbourne bit Kenny’s head off!"
Kyle,You bastard!
Teen MC,And now here’s Ween!
Dean,We're thrilled to be part of Chef Aid.
Gene,Chef was the guy who told us to do a country album.
Dean,"No, dude, that was Steve's idea."
Gene,Oh. Then who's Chef?
Dean,"I don't know, dude. I thought you knew him."
Gene,"Oh, well. Anyways, here's our song!"
Ween,Many colors in my homo rainbowDon't be afraid to let your colors shine
Mr. Garrison,"Don't worry, Mr. Twig. Even though Mr. Hat rescued me from prison, I'm still going to stick with you."
Mr. Twig,Did you love him?
Mr. Garrison,It doesn't matter. He left me.
Mr. Twig,Did you love him?
Mr. Garrison,Yes.
Mr. Twig,Then run to him.
Mr. Garrison,But I feel like I'm making the wrong decision.
Mr. Twig,"Love isn't a decision, it’s a feeling. If we could decide who we love, it would be much simpler, but much less magical."
Mr. Garrison,"I'll never forget you, Mr. Twig. Thank you."
Teen MC,"And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John! Whoo!"
Elton,"Thank you all for coming to help Chef. This is a song written by a very special little boy.  I have no idea what his name is, but who the hell cares? Anyway, he wrote it for his girlfriend. Wake up, Wendy Smell the coffee..."
Kyle,"Hey, that's your song for Wendy!"
Cartman,"Ha-ha, you're a wuss."
Producer,"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I win! You lose! Chef Aid is over, and you didn't raise near enough money to pay Cochran's legal fees. Ha-ha-ha-ha, I win!"
Narrator,"And what happened then? Well, in South Park they say  Johnnie Cochran's heart grew three sizes that day."
Cochran,"Wait!  Mr. Chef, this music has really touched me. I like to take up your case, free of charge!"
Chef,You will?
Cochran,I will.
Producer,No!
Cochran,"We'll see you in court, Mr. Record Producer."
Producer,Noooooooo!
Cochran,"Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, you must now decide whether or not to reverse the decision for my client, Chef.  I know he seems guilty, but ladies and gentlemen, this… is Chewbacca.  Now think about that for one minute. That does not make sense. Why am I talkin' about Chewbacca when a man's life is on the line?  Why? I tell you why. I don't know. It doesn't make sense. If Chewbacca does not make sense, you must acquit!  Here, look at the monkey. Look at the silly monkey."
Reporter,"Chef, how does it feel to be a free man and finally have your name credited on the song, ""Stinky Britches""?"
Chef,"It feels great! I just can't find the words to thank all the artists who put on Chef Aid. And most of all, I want to thank the children."
Reporter,"So, what are you gonna do now?"
Chef,Get back to what's important. It's Tuesday. And means tomorrow is tuna casserole day.
Stan/Kyle/ Cartman,Hooray!
Announcer,The following program is brought to you in spooky vision. Be warned: all scenes will be accompanied by pictures of Barbra Streisand.
Stan,I wonder why Cartman wasn't in school today.
Kyle,He probably just ditched to avoid that spelling test.
Cartman,Hey guys. How's it going?
Kyle,"Uh, nice costume, dude. Who are you supposed to be? Luke Perry?"
Stan,"Cartman, how come you weren't in school today?"
Kyle,Did you eat too many pork rinds last night?
Cartman,"You guys, you're so funny. No matter how I'm feeling, I can always count on you guys to lighten me up."
Stan,What?
Cartman,"I had to stay home because my mother wasn't feeling well. She has the flu, and I wanted to take care of the house so she could stay in bed.  I just wanted to catch you guys to see if we were assigned any homework tonight."
Kyle,"What the hell are you talking about, Cartman?!"
Stan,"Stop screwing around, dude. We're all gonna go meet at the store later to buy pumpkins to carve."
Cartman,"Oooh, then we can enter the carving contest! I'll run home and get money from Mother. Do you guys need some, too?"
Stan,"Dude, this is creepy."
Sharon,Stanley? Look who's here. Aunt Flo.
Aunt Flo,"Hello, Stanley. Remember me?"
Stanley,"Hi, Aunt Flo."
Sharon,"Now, Stanley! Aunt Flo only visits once a month. Be nice."
Aunt Flo,"Hey, Stanley. I brought you and Shelly presents."
Stan,"Wow, really?! Hey, I love Aunt Flo!"
Aunt Flo,"Okay, Shelly. This one's for you.  It's a television/CD player/surround sound home theatre."
Stan,Wow!
Sharon,"What do you say, Shelly?"
Shelly,"Thank you, Aunt Flo."
Sharon,"Okay, Stanley. Your turn."
Aunt Flo,Your very own fish.
Shelly,"What do you say, Stanley?"
Stan,I don't know.
Aunt Flo,I think he likes you.  Come on Shelly. Let's hook up your home theater.
Shelly,Okay.
Sharon,"How do you like your fish, Stanley?"
Stan,I don't like it. It's spooky.
Sharon,"Oh, now, what's spooky about a cute, little goldfish? Go put him in your room."
Stan,Do I have to?
Sharon,"Yes, you do!"
Stan,Damn it!
Sharon,Language!
Kyle,"Where have you been, dude?"
Stan,"Dude, my mom's having her monthly visitor."
Kyle,Aunt Flo?
Stan,Yeah. Every time she shows up my mom turns into a total bitch.
Kyle,Where is Cartman? He said he was gonna bring money for us to buy a pumpkin.
Stan,"Yeah, I wonder why he's being so nice."
Kyle,Here he comes.
Stan,"Hey, Cartman! Did you bring us money from your mom?"
Cartman,"Heh! Yeah, right! You guys could kiss my black ass!"
Kyle,"You said you could get us money, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Man, you guys are hella stupid! If I had money, I wouldn't give it to you assholes!"
Kyle,"Well, at least he's back to normal."
Stan,"Yeah, but we can't get a pumpkin, so we can't enter the carving contest!"
Kyle,It's okay. Kenny said he'd get one.
Cartman,"Oh, how's Kenny gonna get one?! He's hella poor!"
Stan,"Why do you keep saying ""hella,"" fatass?!"
Cartman,"'Cause I'm hella cool, that's why."
Kyle,That's not cool!
Cartman,You guys are just hella jealous.
Randy,"Good night, Stanley. We'll uh see you in the morning."
Stan,"Can you leave the light on, Dad?"
Randy,"Well, it has to be off, or your Aunt Flo will complain about wasting electricity."
Stan,I wish Aunt Flo didn't have to visit now.
Randy,"Yeah, me too. But she only visits your mom for five days or so. I'll be out sleeping on the couch."
Stan,Where did it go?  Huhhh.
Kenny,(Give me that-!)
Mrs. McCormick,"Kenny ,"
Kenny,"(Ow, mom!)"
Mrs. McCormick,You share that blanket with your brother!
Stuart,Who the hell could that be?
Cartman,"Hi there, folks! This is a heck of a storm out now! Thought maybe you could use some provisions.  There's some candles and food in there. It ain't much, but it should get you through the night. Take care, folks. I've got other houses to get to."
Stuart,"Kenny, wasn't that your fat, racist, foul-mouthed friend, Eric Cartman?"
Kenny,(Uh huh)
Stan,Hey. Where did the shirt go?  I covered you with a shirt! Where did it go?!  AAAaAaAaAa  I'm not gonna look.  It's not closer. I'm just seeing things.  GAAAH!  AAAAAAAH!!  MOM! Mom!
Sharon,"Stanley, settle down!"
Stan,"Look. He's gonna kill me, Mom!"
Aunt Flo,Is there a problem?
Sharon,"Uhno problem, Aunt Flo."
Aunt Flo,Do you not like your goldfish?
Stan,No!
Aunt Flo,I'm sorry. I'm a bad aunt.
Sharon,"There, there, Aunt Flo. Stanley loves his goldfish."
Stan,AAAAAAAAH!
Sharon,"Stanley, what are you doing?!"
Stan,The fish!  But-.
Sharon,"Stanley, I'm in no mood for this! Not when your Aunt Flo is in town! Oh, look, you woke your sister up.  Go to sleep, Stanley!"
Stan,WAAAAAAAH! Mooomm!
Sharon,"All right, Stanley. I have had enough o-  Oh, Stanley, what have you done, baby? What have you done??"
Stan,"Mom, I was just sleeping. And the next thing I knew-."
Sharon,"Sshhh. It's okay, honey. It's okay. I've got such a good boy, Mommy's little angel.  Now, don't worry, Stanley. Mommy's going to hide the body.  Nobody's going to take my baby away. I've got such a handsome boy, such a good boy."
Stan,You're not gonna get away with this!
Aunt Flo,Sharon!
Sharon,"D'uh! Aunt Flo, what are you doing up?!"
Aunt Flo,"Look at you, with your little shovel. Just like when you were twelve."
Stan,"Mom, what are you doing?"
Sharon,"Sshh. It's going to be okay, Stanley."
Stan,"Mom, do you think I killed that guy? It was the fish! He says I'm next!"
Sharon,"Now get some sleep, baby. Mommy's taken care of everything."
Stan,But MOM!
Sharon,"Sshh.Hush little baby, don't say a word. Momma's gonna buy you a mockin' birdIf that mockin' bird don't sing, Momma's gonna bury it in the backyard"
Stan,MMOOMM!
Sharon,"What is it, honey?  My baby's killed again!"
Stan,"No, mom!"
Sharon,"What are we gonna do, baby? What are we gonna do??  I've got such a handsome boy, such a good boy."
Kyle,"It's about time, Kenny! Did you bring the pumpkin?"
Kenny,(Uh huh!)
Cartman,"Well, where is it?  What the hell is that?!"
Kenny,(It's the only thing I could afford.)
Cartman,"It's all you could afford?! Whoever heard of a squah-o-lantern, Kenny?! That's hella stupid!"
Kyle,"Stop saying ""hella,"" Cartman!  How are we gonna win the contest with a squash?  Whoa, Stan. You don't look so good."
Stan,I haven't been sleeping so well.
Cartman,"God, I hate you, Kenny.  I have to get another knife; this one's hella dull!"
Kyle,"God, will you shut up?!"
Stan,"Kyle, you know how some people are, like, murderers and stuff?"
Kyle,Yeah.
Stan,"Do you think animals can be murderers, too?"
Kyle,"I don't know.  Oh, great. He's got that stupid beard on again."
Cartman,"No, Kenny. You should cut with the blade facing away from you. You're gonna hurt yourself. Seriously, dude. Isn't this fun, you guys? Carving pumpkins for Halloween?You guys are my best friendsThrough thick and thin, we've always been togetherWe're four of a kind, havin' fun all dayPallin' around and laughin' awayJust best friends, best friends are we.I love you guys."
Kyle,"You seem tired, Stan."
Stan,I haven't been sleeping well.
Kyle,Why?
Stan,My pet goldfish killed another random person last night.
Kyle,"Hoh, that sucks, dude."
Cartman,"Hey, dudes. Man, it's hella cold out here."
Kyle,Cartman?
Cartman,"Who'd you expect? Maury Povich? Golly, you're hella lame!"
Stan,What are you doing?!
Cartman,"What do you mean, what am I doing?! Im just standing here. Jesus, mellow out, you guys."
Kyle,"You can't be standing there, Cartman."
Cartman,Why the hell not?!
Kyle,Because you're standing over there!
Cartman,Aaah! Son of a bitch!
Evil Cartman,"Wow, you don't see this every day."
Cartman,I can't believe what I'm seeing.
Evil Cartman,It's like I'm looking in a mirror.
Cartman,"Dude, this is hella weird."
Sharon,"Oh. Uh-Officer Barbrady, Woowhat what a surprise. Wwhat can I do for you?"
Officer Barbrady,"Well, there's been a report of a few missing people."
Sharon,Is that so?
Officer Barbrady,"Yeah. No biggie, but I was wondering if you had seen any of them."
Sharon,"I'd never seen any of those men, Officer Barbrady."
Officer Barbrady,"No, I didn't think so. Mind if I look around the back yard, though?"
Sharon,Why would you wanna do that?
Officer Barbrady,"Well, I'm checking everyone's back yards. Missing people usually turn up hiding in someone's bushes. May I?  Well, this all looks in-  oh? Tennis anyone?"
Sharon,Nobody's going to take my baby away from me! Nobody!
Officer Barbrady,"Okay, Mrs. Marsh, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you a few questions."
Chef,"Hello there, children!"
The Boys,"Hey, Chef."
Chef,"All ready for our Halloween lunch? Today I've got spooooooky spaghetti, with freeeeeaky French fries."
Kyle,"Uh, Chef?"
Chef,Or haaauuunted hash browns.
Kyle,Chef.
Chef,"And a creeeeeepy cookie, and moooooonstrous milk!"
Kyle,Chef.
Chef,And a teeeeerrifying napkin!
Kyle,Chef!
Chef,What?!
Kyle,We have problems!
Chef,"Well, what's the first problem?"
Stan,"Chef, I have a goldfish that keeps killing people."
Chef,"Oh. Well, uh, don't worry, Stan. I'm sure it'll work out. Now, what's the other problem?  Oh, nohoho.  Oh, DEAR GOD, NO!"
Cartman,"...and them I saw them all at the bus stop, and this son of a bitch is standing there!"
Evil Cartman,"I'm sorry I caused so much trouble. This is all very strange to me, too."
Chef,Exactly what do you remember?
Evil Cartman,"Well, I was just standing around, and Stan and Kyle were being really mean, as usual, and Kenny had just bought a new car."
Chef,Of course! That's it!
Stan,What?
Chef,"Don't you see, children? This Cartman is from an evil, parallel universe where everything exists as its opposite!"
Cartman,He's my evil twin? But he doesn't even look that much like me; he's all fat and stuff. He's hella lying.
Kyle,Will you stop saying that word?!
Stan,"Of course! My pet goldfish must be from the evil, opposite universe, too!"
Chef,"Children, somewhere in South Park, something has created a door to the evil, parallel universe!"
Evil Cartman,"This is amazing! I can't believe how nice you are, Chef."
Chef,How do you mean?
Evil Cartman,"In my world, you're a skinny, white insurance salesman."
Aunt Flo,"Ooh, hello, boys. I'm Stan's Aunt Flo."
Kyle,Whoa! What's wrong with your head?! Why are you shaking like that?
Stan,"Dude, that's not cool. She's got Parkinson's disease."
Cartman,"Ey, sweet!  Sweeeeeet! Check it out, guys; you don't even have to put a quarter in her."
Stan,Cartman!
Cartman,"Dude, this is hella cool."
Stan,"Aunt Flo, where did you get this goldfish?"
Aunt Flo,"Nn-oh.  I got it from the pet store, Stanley."
Stan,Do you remember what pet store?
Aunt Flo,"Let's see. I believe it was called ""The Indian Burial Ground Pet Store,"" just outside of town."
Stan,Where?
Aunt Flo,I know I have the address written down somewhere.  Let me look.
Stan,"That's it, dude. We've gotta take the spooky fish back to that pet store."
Cartman,"Who's ""we""? You got a turd in your pocket? I'm goin' home. I'm hella hungry!"
Evil Cartman,"I'll help you, Stan."
Cartman,"Shut your god-damned mouth, fatass!"
Kyle,Dude. Are you sure that fish is a murderer? It seemed like a normal fish to me.
Stan,"Just help me take it back. Come on!  Did you find the address, Aunt Flo- Aunt Flo!"
Sharon,"Oh, Stanley, no! Not Aunt Flo!"
Stan,It was the fish!
Sharon,"Oh, what a good baby. What a good son I have."
Stan,Now we'll never know where that pet store is!
Kyle,"There can't be that many pet stores in South Park, dude."
Stan,Aunt Flo isn't from South Park. The pet store could be anywhere between here and Denver.
Kyle,"Well, we'd better get working. Cartman, you go home and call all the pet stores in the phone book."
Evil Cartman,Can do!
Cartman,Screw you!
Sharon,"It's all taken care of, Stanley- G'oh!  I've got such a good boy, such a handsome boy!"
Stan,"Come on, we're running out of time."
Randy,"Hey, why is the basement door locked?"
Officer Barbrady,-crack corn and I don't careJimmy crack corn and I don't careMy master's gone awayJimmy crack corn and I don't care
Evil Cartman,"I don't see any pet stores called ""Indian Burial Ground."""
Cartman,"Shut up, dude! I'm trying to watch TV!"
Announcer,"And now, back to the Terrance and Phillip Halloween Special."
Terrance,(Fart)
Phillip,"That fart was absolutely ghoulish, Terrance."
Cartman,"Uh-ho-ho, man, that's hella funny!"
Evil Cartman,What's so funny about that?
Kitty,Meow.
Cartman,"No, Kitty, this is my pot pie!"
Mr. Kitty,Meow.
Cartman,"No, Kitty, this is my pot pie, Kitty!"
Evil Cartman,"Who's my kitty? Who's my little kitty? My fluffy little cat. Yeah, that's good, yeah, that's my nice little kitty, yeah."
Cartman,"NO KITTY, BAD KITTY!!!  Hahaha, you-hoo suck, dude."
Sharon,Stanley. Kenny's mother is here. She's wondering if you've seen Kenny.
Mrs. McCormick,"You saw him, didn't you?  You saw my boy."
Stan,"Yeah, my goldfish-."
Sharon,"Yeah. Stan just got a new goldfish and he wanted to show it to Kenny but, Kenny never came over."
Mrs. McCormick,"My Kenny used to laugh and play. He was eight years old, just like you, my Kenny was."
Stan,I know.
Mrs. McCormick,You've gotta tell me what happened to him!  You have to know something!
Sharon,"Mrs. McCormick, I'm going to have to ask you to leave! You've been drinking!"
Mrs. McCormick,"That's right, I'm a little drunk.  You'd be drunk, too, if you'd lost your boy.  My Kenny used to sing and dance, eh."
Evil Cartman,"You guys, I found the pet store!"
Stan,"Come on, let's go!  Mom, I know you think I did all this, but I'm gonna prove to you it was this fucking fish!"
Sharon,"I believe you, sweetheart.  Run from him, boys. Run and don't stop!"
Clerk,Can I help you boys?
Stan,I wanna return a fish.
Clerk,Damn it!
Kyle,What?
Clerk,"That's the ninth return I've had this week! What's wrong with it?  Ap! Let me guess. It killed a bunch of people, right?"
Stan,"Yeah, dude."
Clerk,Damn it!  Just like all the other returns!
Kyle,"Dude, why is your store called ""The Indian Burial Ground Pet Store?"""
Clerk,"Well, there was an Indian burial ground here before I bought it."
Stan,So you just- built your store on top of an Indian burial ground?
Clerk,"Oh, hell no! First I dug up all the bodies, pissed on 'em, then buried them again upside down."
Kyle,Why?
Clerk,Why? I don't know. I was drunk.
Stan,"We think that when you did that, you opened up a doorway to an evil, parallel universe."
Clerk,"Well, that certainly would explain a lot."
Kyle,Like what?
Clerk,"Well, like this.  I've been wondering what the hell this was."
Officer Barbrady,"Hello, Mr. Marsh. Top of the evening to you.  Okay, bye, then."
Randy,Sharon?
Sharon,"Yyes, hon?"
Randy,There's a policeman being held captive in our basement.
Sharon,"Yes, hon. I had to restrain him so he wouldn't find the bodies in the back yard and take our baby away."
Randy,"Why'd you take his pants off?  Sh-sharon, why'd you take his- pants off?"
Sharon,"Oh, Randy, I just don't know what to do anymore."
Randy,What is it?
Sharon,"I just ughhhh, I can't believe that Aunt Flo is gone, that she won't be visiting me ever again."
Randy,"Oh. Wuwell, don't- think of it as an end, think of it as a new beginning. Now, could you fill me in on the dead bodies and captive policeman stuff real quick?"
Stan,"Look, pal. This is very simple. All I want to do is return this fish."
Clerk,I can't give you your money back.
Stan,"I don't care, dude! I just want this fish away from me!"
Clerk,No! I won't take it back!
Evil Cartman,"Listen, friend. You can't sell people pets like this. You have to have a sign that says, ""Warning: these fish are from an evil, parallel universe."" Now, it's not our fault you disrespected the bodies of this land's native people, but by golly , you're gonna take this fish back."
Clerk,"All right, you win."
Stan,"Wow! Thanks, evil Cartman!"
Evil Cartman,"And sir, can I make a suggestion?  Move your store, and let these great people of the Wampanoag rest in peace."
Kyle,"You kick ass, evil Cartman!"
Stan,Yeah!
Kyle,"You know what I like best about you? You don't say, ""hella,"" like our Cartman does. I swear, if he says that one more time, I'm gonna kill him!"
Evil Cartman,"No, Kyle. Murder is never an answer."
Clerk,What the-?
Evil Stan,He was here! Cartman was just here!
Clerk,Who are you?
Evil Kyle,We're looking for Cartman. The trail ended here. Where is he?
Clerk,I don't know who you mean?
Evil Kyle,Maybe this will jog your memory!
Clerk,No! Stop! You don't know what you're doing! Those pets are evil!
Stan,I'm sure glad that's over with. Now I can sleep at night.
Evil Cartman,"Hey, you guys. We still have time to enter the pumpkin-carving contest."
Kyle,"Hey, yeah! I almost forgot."
Evil Cartman,Come on! I bet that together we can make the best pumpkin ever!
Stan,"You know, evil Cartman? I like you a lot better than our Cartman."
Kyle,"Yeah, you're cool. And you don't say ""hella."""
Evil Cartman,"Yuh, thanks, you guys. I certainly like you a lot more than in my evil, parallel universe."
Kyle,"Dude, where are we going to find a pumpkin to carve?"
Evil Cartman,Let's use Kenny's squash.
Stan,"Yeah. You know, I never thought it was such a bad, little squash. It just needs some tender, loving care."
Terrance,Boo!
Phillip,Aaaaagh!
Cartman,"Aw, man, this movie is hella scary."
Evil Stan,"Aha! There you are, Cartman!"
Cartman,"P'h. Nice costume, you guys. You spent about a buck fifty on those?"
Evil Kyle,"We're here to take you back, Goody Two-Shoes!"
Cartman,Oh? I've got a better idea. Why don't you two go fuck yourselves?
Evil Stan,"Hey! What's wrong with you, Cartman?"
Cartman,What's wrong with me? Let's see. Uum.  I hate you guys. You're hella stupid.
Evil Kyle,"Come on, Mr. Wholesome! We're taking you back to our universe!"
Cartman,Don't touch me!
Evil Stan,What the hell's goin' on?! Cartman never hits us!
Evil Kyle,"Hall right! Just stand there, Cartman! This gingerification gun will send you back to our universe!"
Cartman,"Oh, right! You guys are from the evil, parallel universe?!"
Evil Stan,Yes!
Cartman,"Oh, it's about freakin' time you showed up! You don't want me, you want that impostor Cartman! Come on, I'll show you."
Mayor McDaniels,"And the winner is: Squash-O-Lantern, by Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, and the evil Eric Cartman from the parallel universe! ""The Winning Entry! Squash in cobweb, amid a tiny graveyard and flanked by four tiny bats"""
Stan,"We won, dude!"
Evil Cartman,Hooray!
Mayor McDaniels,You boys win the Halloween Chocolate Ball!
Evil Cartman,"Oh, no!  Stan and Kyle have come to take my back to my world, and I don't wanna go back!"
Stan,"Don't worry, Evil Cartman. You're staying with us!"
Cartman,"Now, zap his hella ass back to your- hella universe!"
Kyle,"Stop saying ""hella,"" Cartman!"
Evil Stan,"Thought you could get away from us, huh, Cartman?!"
Evil Cartman,Please!
Kyle,"Leave him alone, butthole!"
Evil Kyle,"Shut your trap, kid!"
Stan,Why don't you guys take our Cartman back? He's more like you anyway.
Cartman,"Ey, you backstabbin' sellout!"
Evil Stan,"It's time, Cartman! Prepare for gingerification!"
Evil Cartman,"Well, good-bye, you guys. It's been fun."
Man,AAAAAH!
Woman,AAAAAH!
Mayor McDaniels,"Oh, what now?!"
Kyle,It's the evil pets
Evil Stan,The gingerification gun!
Stan,Get to the stage!
Sharon,"Oh, dear. It really was Stan's fish that killed those people!"
Evil Stan,"Give me that gun, kid!"
Stan,"Up yours, evil twin!"
Evil Stan,Noooooo!
Evil Kyle,Noooooo!
Cartman,"All right, now you can try to send this Bozo through and the whole mess'll be over with!"
Stan,Sorry Cartman. We like Evil Cartman better. See ya.
Cartman,What?!
Kyle,"We can't deal with you saying ""hella"" anymore, Cartman! You're going to the other universe!"
Kyle,Which one is the good Cartman?
Both Cartmans,I am!
Stan,"Stop wasting time, Cartman! We have to send one of you back to the evil universe!"
Kyle,"Yeah! Now, which one of you is the Cartman we can't stand?!"
Both Cartmans,He is!
Cartman on Left,Time is running out. You'll have to destroy us both.
Cartman on Right,What?!
Cartman on Left,"It's the only way you can be sure. We have to both go, for the good of the world."
Cartman on Right,Noooo! Screw you guys!
Cartman on Left,How did you guys know?
Stan,Our Cartman would never say anything like that.
Cartman,Haaa hahaha! You guys are hella stupid! I knew you would fall for that!
Kyle,"Oh no, dude!"
Stan,"You tricked us, Cartman!"
Cartman,"That's right, I did!You guys are hella stupidYou guys are hella lameYou guys are hella dumbHella hella hella!"
Kyle,Damn it!
Randy,"I'm sorry my wife held you captive, officer. She's been upset 'cause her Aunt Flo isn't gonna visit her anymore."
Officer Barbrady,"Oh, I understand. I remember when my wife stopped getting her monthly visitor."
Randy,"Uuuh, do you want your pants back?"
Officer Barbrady,"No. Just leave me with my dignity.  Okay, people, move along. Nothing to see here."
Sharon,"The answer is ""no"", Stanley!"
Stan,"But Mom, all the guys are going to Cartman's Grandma's for the weekend!"
Sharon,"I'm sorry, Stanley, I can't let you go all the way to Nebraska by yourself. It's the holidays."
Stan,But all the other guys get to go to Cartman's Grandma's; why can't I?
Sharon,I'll leave it up to your father.
Randy,"Eh, it's fine with me."
Sharon,"The answer is no, Stanley! Now go wash up for supper!"
Stan,I don't want your lame-ass supper!
Shelly,Ew! You're gonna get it now.
Sharon,"Go to your room, Stanley! Right now!"
Stan,Can't tell me what to do! I'm eight years old!  I don't need this stupid family anyway!
Sheila,It's so nice of you to take all the boys with you.
Liane,"Oh, it's my pleasure. Eric loves his little friends."
Cartman,"Every time I go to my Grandma's house, she gives me a present. You watch: as soon as I walk in the door she'll hand me a biiig present, for no reason, except that I'm cool."
Kyle,"That's nice, Cartman."
Stuart,"Now, remember, if they have left-over turkey, put some in a bag and bring it home, okay?"
Kenny,(Okay.)
Stan,"Okay, let's go!"
Cartman,"Oh, I didn't think you were coming, Stan."
Stan,"'Course I'm coming! Come on, let's hurry!"
Sheila,"Goodbye, bubbe! Be careful!"
Stuart,"See you in a couple of days, son."
Cartman,"Shotgun! It's my car, I call it first: shotgun!  Kenny, I called it shotgun!  Dammit, Kenny, get in the back!  Hey, Kenny, there's a sale on orange jackets over there.  Look, Kenny, there's an elephant parade!  Ken-ny. Kenny, look. Look! Go get it! , Go get it!  ha ha ha, you poor piece of crap."
Stan,"So, how far is it to Nebraska?"
Liane,Around six hours.
Kyle,Oh my God! What the hell are we gonna do for six hours?
Liane,"Well, I've got an idea. We could sing."
Stan,"Yeah. Or, we could not."
Cartman,"Let's sing that one Grandma song, Ma. How does it go?"
Liane,Over the meadow and through the woods
Liane and Cartman,To Grandmother's house we goThe horse knows the way to carry the sleighThrough white and drifted snow...
Liane and Cartman,Over the meadow and through the woodsTo Grandmother's house we goThe horse knows the way to carry the sleigh
Kyle,Please stop.
Liane and Cartman,Through white and drifted snow
Kyle,Please stop!
Liane and Cartman,"Over the meadow and through the woods,To Grandmother's house we go"
Cartman,Argh!
Liane,"Ooo, careful hon. These roads are bumpy."
Cartman,"I guess, damn!"
Liane,"Here we go, kids. We're crossing the state line into Nebraska."
Stan,This is Nebraska?
Kyle,What's all that stuff?
Liane,"Wheat. The building block of your favorite foods, and, Nebraska's principal source of economic productivity. You see, when Nebraska first became--"
Cartman,"We don't care, Mom."
Kyle,"Hey, look!  See Mr. Hankey at the Mall of Nebraska... Wow! We have to go, dude!"
Stan,"Dude, I thought Mr. Hankey lived in the sewer. What's he doing in Nebraska?"
Kyle,"I don't know. Ever since he was in that movie, he got all famous."
Cartman,"Oh, so now everybody wants to meet Mr. Hankey! He's a piece of crap."
Kyle,It doesn't matter. He'll be most excited to meet me!
Liane,That shouldn't be a problem. Eric's Grandma is right near the mall.
Kyle,Cool!
Cartman,How much further is it to Grandma's house? I wanna see what kind of present she got me.
Liane,"About another hour, hon."
Cartman,Why does Grandma have to live so far away? Why don't we just stick her in a nursing home closer to us so  I don't have to drive six hours to get a god-damned present?!
Liane,"Now, Eric, let's try to get out of that grumpy mood before we get to Grandma's.Over the meadow and through the woods"
Liane and Cartman,To Grandmother's house we go
Kyle,"Oh, God!"
Liane and Cartman,The horse knows the way to carry the sleighThrough white and drifted snow...
Cartman,Over the meadow and through the woods...
Liane,Here we are.
Kyle,"Jesus Christ, finally!"
Cartman,Grandmagrandmagrandmagrandma!
Man,"Oh, it's little Eric!"
Cartman,"Hi, Grandpa!"
Grandpa,Look at how big you've gotten!
Grandma,"Hi, Eric. Grandma got you a present."
Cartman,Sweet. What is it?
Grandma,It's inside.
Cartman,Yes! Move it!
Liane,Hello everyone. Happy Holidays!
Everyone,Hello!
Liane,"These are Eric's friends: Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. Boys, let me introduce you to the Cartman family. This is Uncle Stinky."
Uncle Stinky,Nice to have you heuh.
Liane,"Aunt Lisa, Cousin Fred, Cousin Alexandra , Fat Bob, Jimmy , and great-grandma Florence."
Florence,"Come here, Eric. Give your great-grandma some huggies."
Kyle,Agghh!
Liane,"No, no, Florence, that's not Eric."
Florence,"Oh, which one is he, then?"
Stan,He's the fat one.
Grandma,"He's not fat, he's big-boned."
Cartman,"I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. Ech."
Kyle,That was totally gross. She smelled like vitamins and pee.
Stan,"Sick, dude."
Cartman,"Al-righty then. Let's get to my presents, shall we?"
Grandma,"Here you go, Eric. Hap-py Holidays!"
Cartman,"Wait a minute. This isn't a present, it's a shirt!"
Grandma,Yes. I thought that would look really good on you.
Cartman,"Are you telling me that I drove nine hours through butt-fucking nowhere to get a god-damned shirt?! Mom, Grandma's gone senile! It's time to stick her in a home!"
Grandpa,"Well, this is what the holidays are about. Family."
Stan,"Yeah, right!"
Grandpa,"Well, what does your family do for the holidays, Stan?"
Stan,My family's dead!
Liane,"Ooh, I'm sorry to hear that, Stanley."
Kyle,"Dude, your family died?"
Stan,They're dead to me. My mom doesn't even know I'm here.
Kyle,What?!
Cartman,I can't believe I got a stupid shirt!  The holidays are bullcrap!
Liane,"Here, Kyle. Will you hold Great-Grandma's catheter bag during dinner?"
Kyle,What is this??
Liane,Great-grandma has a bladder problem. This helps her out.
Kyle,"Sick, dude!"
Liane,"Eric, did you say 'hi' to your little cousin Elvin?"
Cartman,"Hi, cousin Elvin."
Elvin,Sweet.
Grandpa,"Well, it certainly is nice we could all gather heuh for the holidays. Even Uncle Howard has joined us live via satellite from the state penitentiary."
Kyle,"Whoa, dude!"
Grandma,"You look good, Howard."
Howard,No I don't!
Liane,"Hi, Howard."
Stan,"Dude, is he here every year like this?"
Cartman,Yup!
Elvin,Sweet.
Kyle,Aaww!
Howard,"Come on, let's eat already! They gave me extra bread and water!"
Grandma,"Where's your manners, Howard? We haven't even said grace yet. Mom, will you do the honors of saying grace?"
Florence,"God-damn it, why the hell do I always have to say grace? If one more person asks me to say grace, I'll be like, ""Eh! I'm not saying grace! And if you ask me again, I'll kick you square  in the nuts!"""
Cartman,Amen.
All,Ah-men.
Kyle,"Jesus, dude!"
Grandpa,"No, Jimmy, this is my pot pie!  No, Jimmy! That's a bad Jimmy!"
Cartman,Bad Jimmy!
Grandma,"No, Jimmy, that's Grandpa's pot pie!"
Stan,"Dude, I don't know how long I can stay here."
Kyle,I know what you mean.
Kyle,Arrggh!
Stan,"What, dude?"
Kyle,"Dude, I was having this horrible nightmare that we were at this house, and it was filled with Cartmans!"
Stan,"Kyle, we are in a house filled with Cartmans."
Kyle,Oh. Arrggh!
Stan,What was that?
Kyle,"I heard it, too."
Cartman,"Whatever it is, it's getting closer.  Ow! What the hell was that for!"
Stan,I wanted to make sure we're not dreaming.
Cartman,Ow!
Kyle,"I wanted to make sure, too."
Cartman,"Yuhwell, you're not dreaming!  Ey! Cut the crap!"
Kyle,"Dude, it's coming through the window!"
Cartman,Uncle Howard!
Uncle Howard,"Oh. Hey, Eric. I didn't think anybody'd be down here."
Cartman,"Uncle Howard, what are you doing here?!"
Stan,We thought you were in jail.
Howard,"Yeah, well I'b I busted out."
Cartman,"Wow, cool!"
Howard,Sshhhh! You can't let the rest of the family know I'm here.
Cartman,Okay.
Howard,"If it's okay, we're just gonna hang out here for a couple of days with you kids."
Cartman,Who's we? You got a turd in your pocket? Hahahaha.
Howard,"Come on up, it's okay.  Another inmate busted out with me. Don't worry, he's a good guy."
Inmate,"Oh, hi boys. I'm Charlie. Charlie Manson."
Manson,I can't wait to get out among the pigs  and raise some hell.
Howard,"All right, Chuck, but we gotta lay low for a while."
Manson,"When I stand up on the mountain and say, ""Do it!"", it gets done! And it it don't get done, then I'll move on it! And that's the last thing in the world you want me to do."
Howard,"All right, Chuck. Let's watch some TV or something."
Announcer,"Now back to, ""It's A Wonderful Life""."
George Bailey,"You-oo you just can't buy people, Mr. Potter, wuh. Why, you know what you are? You're a little bitch.  That's right, you're a bitch, and I bet you'd like to suck it, wouldn't you?"
Stan,"Wake up, Cartman, we've got to get to the mall."
Cartman,What?
Kyle,"We have to go see Mr. Hankey at the mall, Cartman."
Cartman,"All right, keeps your pants on."
Howard,"Hey, bring us down some food, all right?"
Cartman,Okay.
Stinky,"Come on, Team!"
Cartman,Can somebody drive us to the mall?
Announcer,Touchdown!
The Adults,Yeah!
Cartman,"Hello, Mr. Hankey is appearing at the mall. Can somebody please take us?"
Announcer,And these Cornhuskers have the ball on the 50-yard line!
Cartman,"Uncle Stinky, can you drive us to the mall?"
Stinky,"Not now, Eric.  Hold him! He has him! Where's the flag?!"
Cartman,"Uncle Stinky, my stupid friends want to see Mr. Hankey! You have to take us!"
Stinky,"I said ""no,"" and I mean ""no!"" Respect my authorituh!"
Cartman,Damn his Goddamned authorituh!
Announcer,"With only 16 seconds left, the Cornhu-"
Reporter,We interrupt this broadcast for a news bulletin.
Stinky,What?!
Reporter,"Mass murderer and extremely nasty person Charles Manson has escaped from prison! Manson was the man responsible for seven murders in the late '60's. Manson has never shown any signs of remorse for his crimes. If you see Manson, please kick his ass and smash his fucking face in for me, and then call the police. And now back to the game."
Announcer,And they've done it! They've scored 16 unanswered points in 15 seconds!
The Adults,"Oh, weak!"
Grandma,"Eric, I need you to take care of your cousin Elvin for a while."
Cartman,I don't wanna take care of Cousin Elvin!
Grandma,Won't yo do it for Grandma?
Cartman,All right. Give me $10.
Elvin,Kick ass!
George Bailey,"Oh, Mary. Mary, you're real!"
Howard,"Chuck, can you turn that thing down?"
George Bailey,"Hello, movie house!  Hello, burger parlor!"
Manson,"You know what the spirit of Christmas is? It's another lie, from the lyin' pigs that consider me the witness-!"
Howard,"Okay, Chuck! Thank you very much!"
Cartman,My family sucks ass!
Kyle,"Yeah, they do!"
Stan,All families suck ass!
Cartman,Here. We got you some sticky cinnamon buns.
Howard,"Wow, sweet!"
Manson,Heyyy!
Kyle,"Dude, we have to get to the mall!!"
Elvin,"You guys, seriously!"
Howard,What's the matter?
Cartman,"My stupid friends want to go to the mall to visit Mr. Hankey, but nobody would drive us."
Howard,"Oh, bummer."
Manson,I'll take you!
Howard,"Uh, that's okay, Chuck. You just keep watching Christmas specials."
Manson,"Hey, I didn't bust out of prison to be locked up in somebody's basement! I want some action!"
Kyle,"Good for you, Charlie!"
Manson,Come on! I'll hot-wire your Grandpa's car!
Stan,Do you really think we should go with this guy?
Cartman,"Stan, don't be such a dumbass. You have to trust people."
Manson,"All right, boys, keep your heads down!  We're goin' to the mall!"
Boys,Hooray!
Sharon,I just can't believe he would go without our permission!
Randy,"Now, Sharon, don't overreact. Maybe Stan didn't go to Cartman's Grandmother's. Maybe he just ran away or got kidnapped or something."
Sharon,"Well, I hope for his sake you're right."
Liane,Hello?
Sharon,"Hello, Ms. Cartman. It's Sharon, Stan's mother. Did Stanley go up there to Nebraska with you?"
Liane,"Oh, why yes he did. I thought you were dead, Sharon."
Sharon,Wwhat?!
Liane,Stanley told me you had passed on. I'm glad to see that you're better.
Sharon,"Get the car, Randy! We're going to Nebraska!"
Shelly,"Ooooo, Stan's in trouble!"
Kyle,Do you see him?
Stan,Not yet. I think we still have a ways to go.
Kyle,I can't wait to see him!  He's gonna be so glad we came!
Kid,I drove all the way from Montana to see Mr. Hankey.
Kyle,"That's nice, kid. I knew Mr. Hankey before he was even famous."
Cartman,How the hell did Mr. Hankey get so popular? Look at all this Mr. Hankey stuff.
Elvin,Mr. Hankey kicks ass!
Cartman,And another thing: it says that Mr. Hankey is also appearing at the Crossroads Mall!
Kyle,So?!
Cartman,"So, how can Mr. Hankey be here, and in another mall at the same time?"
Kyle,"Dude, Mr. Hankey has magic powers. He can do whatever he wants."
Manson,How would you like to come with me to a more secluded part of the mall?
Kenny,(Okay)
Stan,I really like that guy.
Cartman,"Oh, it looks like you finished your Fudgecicle, Elvin.  God damnit, be quiet, Elvin! Shut up, Elvin!  No, Elvin, bad Elvin!"
Manson,"Folks need to understand that I am terror! I am fear! I am-! Oh, hey look, another holiday special."
Voice-over,"And now, back to ""The Grinchy Poo"""
Narrator,"Grinchy Poo went up the chimney and stuffed the tree upBut then he heard a coo, like the cry of a doveIt was little Cindy Lou Poo, who was no more than two""Mr. Hankey, why? Why are you taking our Christmas tree, why?""And Old Grinchy Poo thought of a line, and he thought it up quick..."
Hankey Elf,"All right, boys, you're up next. Welcome to Mr. Hankey's Happy Lollyland!"
Kyle,"Hoh, boy. Here we go!"
Mall Hankey,"Howdy ho, boys."
Stan,Mr. Hankey?
Mall Hankey,"Gosh, you boys smell like flowers."
Kyle,You're not the real Mr. Hankey.
Mall Hankey,Sure I am! Howdy ho!
Stan,You look a lot bigger than the last time we saw you.
Mall Hankey,"Well, Mr. Hankey has to grow too, you know. Howdy ho!"
Hankey Elf,You boys want your picture with Mr. Hankey?
Kyle,This is not Mr. Hankey!  This is a fake!
Mall Hankey,"It's okay, kids. I'm real. Hoowwdy ho!"
Kids,Hoowwdy ho!
Kyle,Why are you people doing this? Why would you lie like this? To children?
Mall Hankey,"Look, kid. There's Mr. Hankeys like me in every shopping mall. There is no real Mr. Hankey."
Kyle,What?! What did you say?!
Stan,"Oh, boy. You've done it now."
Mall Hankey,Huh??
Kyle,Behold! Here's your false prophet!
Kids,Boo!
Mall Hankey,Oh!
Kids,Die!
Mall Hankey,Ow!
Kid 1,Get out!
Kids,You son of a bitch! Rip it down! Get out!
Girl,"You lied to me, Mother. You said it was the real Mr. Hankey."
Mother,"Uhwwell, yes, but-"
Girl,"I will not forget this, Mother. I will not forget this, ever."
Kid,This is revolution!
Mall Hankey,Wah-hahow!
Security Guard 1,"Uh oh, they're rioting again."
Narrator,"And all the poos down in Pooville joined hands and they sangThey sang all the sameAnd he himself, the Grinchy Poo, carved the roast poo."
Manson,"Wow, man. That's beautiful. He was evil, but now he's good."
Officer 1,What's happening?
Officer 2,Some kid must have said it wasn't the real Mr. Hankey again.
Cartman,I told you guys. The holiday season is nothing but lies and bullcrap!
Manson,"Well, how was it?"
Kyle,It was a fake!
Manson,"Oh, I'm sorry."
Kyle,Cartman was right! The holiday season is for idiots!
Stan,"Where did you go, Uncle Charlie?"
Manson,"Uh, I went to a beauty parlor and had my tattoo redone.  Look!"
Cartman,"Oh, uh that's pretty cool."
Stan,Hey. Where's Kenny?
Manson,Oh. He's... around.
Kenny,"(Hey, you guys. I'm right here.)"
Stan,"Oh, hey Kenny."
Manson,"Come on, I'll buy you kids an orange Smoothie."
The Boys,Ooooo!
Officer,"Hey, there he is! That's Charlie Manson!"
Manson,"Run for your lives, boys!"
Cartman,Ugh! Wait! You guys. Seriously.
Officer,"Come back here, God damnit!  He's getting away!"
Manson,"Keep your heads down, kids!"
Cartman,Ey! What the hell is wrong with you people?!
Kyle,"I can't believe they would put a fake Mr. Hankey in a mall! If Mr. Hankey ever found out, he'd be so pissed!"
Announcer,We interrupt this program for a breaking news story.
Reporter,A high speed car chase is happening right now on interstate 3. We go now to our live sky-fi helicopter.
Sky-fi Reporter,"Ron, it looks as though the chase is proceeding west down the interstate."
Grandma,"Oh, that looks a lot like your car, Harold."
Sky-fi Reporter,"We understand that Charles Manson is inside the car with several hostages, all of whom are children  My God, what is this world coming to? Well, we'd like to take a moment to tell you that this car chase is being brought to you by Snacky S'mores , the creamy bonbon s'mores in a delightful cookie crunch."
Manson,They're gaining on us!
Officer,Fudgecicle!
Elvin,Kickass!
Kyle,"God, I hate the holiday season!"
Grandma,"Oh, hello kids. Having fun-?"
Manson,Get in the house!
Grandma,"Alrighty, then."
Cartman,Lock the door!
Big Blonde,"Oh my God, it's Charlie Manson! Whoa!"
Harold,What's going on?
Stan,There's a bunch of policemen chasing after us!
Stinky,"Quiet down, we're watching television."
Terrance,"Oh, Phillip, what a precious gift!"
Phillip,"That's right, Terrance. This is the season for sharing."
Howard,The cops are here!
Grandma,Howard!
Harold,"How did you get out, son?"
Police Chief,"All right, Manson, we know you're in there! Come out peacefully, and we'll shoot you!"
Officer,"Tell him we won't shoot him, Boss."
Police Chief,"Oh, yeah. That's a good idea.  Come out peacefully, and we won't shoot you!"
Grandma,"Oh, look. Police Chief Stevens got a new haircut."
Howard,"Get down, Ma!"
Manson,"Hey, man, don't point a gun at your own mother!"
Howard,"What the hell is wrong with you, Manson? You're acting all funny! Everybody just sit down and shut up! We're not going back to the big house!"
Harold,"Well, Howard, you've done it again! You've ruined Christmas!"
Field Reporter,"This is Robert Pooner reporting live from Nebraska, where escaped convict Charlie Manson has walled himself up in a house.  We understand that there are hostages, and that the situation is critical, , so we would like to remind you all that this live hostage crisis is being brought to you by Palmoral Sun Block . Remember, if it isn't Palmoral, you're gonna get cancer."
Sharon,What's going on here?!
Chief Stevens,"We've got a critical situation, ma'am. Charlie Manson is holding everybody inside hostage."
Sharon,Is this the Cartman residence?
Chief Stevens,"Yes, ma'am."
Sharon,Give me that!  Stanley! This is your mother!
Stan,Oh ooh.
Kyle,"What's your mom doing here, dude?"
Sharon,"Young man, I have had it! You have disobeyed me for the last time!"
Howard,"Wow, she's really pissed."
Manson,"I'm glad I'm not you right now, kid."
Sharon,"What do you have to say for yourself, Stanley?!"
Stan,...Sorry.
Robert Pooner,"Still more developments in the Manson hostage crisis. Uh, it appears now that eight-year-old Stan Marsh  is in BIG, big trouble. He apparently disobeyed his parents, left home without telling them, and uh, Tom, his- his mother is very disappointed with him."
Howard,Damn it! What are we gonna do?
Florence,Sshhhh! We're watching television.
Phillip,Waitwaitwaitwait.
Terrance,Check out this one.
Phillip,"Hold on, hold on. Over here, over here."
Terrance,"Okay, here I come, okay."
Phillip,"Okay, waitwait waitwait."
Chief Stevens,Come out with your hands up!
Howard,"Damnit, Dad, why didn't you put a back door on this house?!"
Harold,"Well, there's that old window in the bathroom; you could probably squeeze through there."
Howard,"That's it! We're going out the bathroom window! Come on, Manson!"
Manson,But I gotta see what happens.
Howard,"Come on, damn it!  Well, it's good seeing you all. Don't move until we're gone or I'll shoot you dead. Happy holidays."
The Adults,Happy holidays.
Stan,"Dude, they're gonna kill me."
Police Chief Stevens,"All right, Manson, this is it! We're coming in after you! There's gonna be a lo-o-ot of bloodshed, and a lot of innocent people are gonna die! You've got until 100-Marshmallow to come out!"
Officer,"1-Marshmallow, 2-Marshmallow,..."
Howard,"All right, it's open! Let's go!"
Stan,'Scuse me. I wanna go with you.
Manson,Huh?!
Stan,"Please, I don't wanna go back with them."
Manson,"But Stan, your mother and father are out there!"
Stan,I know! They've come to punish me. All they wanna do is make me pay for comin' to Nebraska in the first place.
Howard,"All right, kid, you can come. Now, let's go."
Manson,"Stan, I wanna talk to you about family."
Stan,What?!
Howard,What?!
Manson,"You see, I had a family once. At least, I called them my family. Really, they were nothin' but a gang of people I thought were my friends. Ah after we killed a bunch of people together, I realized that my real family was who took care of me, and who took the time to care about what I did."
Stan,"But they don't care about me, they just want to punish me."
Manson,"If they don't care about you, would they have driven nine hours to Nebraska?"
Stan,"I guess you're right, Uncle Charlie. Thanks."
Howard,Now can we go??
Manson,"No, Howard. You go ahead. I've got something to say."
Howard,"Oh, weak!"
Manson,"Folks, I apologize for this whole mess. I'm going to surrender. Somebody show the police a white flag."
Officer,"90-Marshmallow, 91-Marshmallow  This is making me hungry for marshmallows  92-Marshmallow"
Chief Stevens,"Look out, he's got a white flag!"
Manson,"Oh my God, they killed the little orange-coat kid!"
Kyle,You bastards!
Chief Stevens,They're surrendering!
Cops,"Okay, grab a hold of him. You're under arrest, buddy."
Blond Cop,"All right you, spread 'em!"
Chief Stevens,"You're going back to prison to rot, Manson!"
Manson,Good! I deserve to!
Chief Stevens,What??
Manson,"I can never make it up to the families that I destroyed, but at least I'll make an example for anyone else thinking that crime  is an answer."
Chief Stevens,Stop that.
Manson,"You see, I get it now! I finally understand what the holidays are all about. Boys, don't you see? You can't let things get you down during the holidays, because being happy is what the holidays are all about!"
Kyle,Charlie's right! I'm not gonna let some fake Mr. Hankey spoil my holidays.
Manson,"I've been such a bastard all these years, and I finally understand. And it it it feels great! If I feel like- I feel like I'm in my own Christmas special. You see...Holidays are that special timeWhen we laugh and sing and feel warm and cozyForget about being angry for a day Remember how it felt to be a childOpening presents on Christmas mornin' That's the way that we should all feel nowSo I say Happy happy happy happy holy happy happy happyHolidays"
Everyone Else,Happy happy happy happy holy happy happy happyHolidays
Manson,"Happy Kwanzaa, tooFrom me to youHappy Holidays, you guys."
Chief Stevens,"Happy Holidays, Bob."
Officer Bob,"Happy Holidays, Chief."
Chief Stevens,"Come on, Manson. You belong in jail."
Manson,You're darn right I do.
Howard,"Well, I guess I'll be going, Mom and Dad. I hope you can forgive me."
Grandma,"Oh, of course we forgive you, son. It was nice of you to pop in for the holidays."
Grandpa,"Yes. Now, watch that ass in prison, son."
Howard,"I always do. See ya, Eric. Thanks for all your help."
Cartman,"See ya, Uncle Howard.  Thanks for being such a great role model for me.  Piece of crap."
Stan,"I hope you can forgive me, too, Mom."
Sharon,"Oh, Stanley. Let's just forget the whole thing and have a nice holiday back home."
Stan,Really?
Randy,Sure. We'll punish you after the holidays.
Stan,"Hooray! Uh, I mean, wait. What?"
Robert Pooner,"And so, Manson is hauled off to jail to rot in his cell. Everything is back to normal, and I guess the only thing left to say is, God bless us, everyone."
Manson,"""And I guess that's what I've learned. I'm sorry for what I did, but that doesn't make up for it. I deserve to be in jail. All I hope is that I don't make mankind lose faith in itself. Yes, there's murderers in the world. There's rapists and thieves. But those are the vast minority. The majority of mankind is made up of caring people, who try every day to do what they think is right. And that's the spirit of the season."" What do you think, guys?"
Inmate,"It sucks, just like all your other books."
Manson,"Well, Guh Good night, you guys. Happy Holidays."
Inmate,Shut up!
Manson,What was that?  What the?!
Cartmans/Boys,"Merry Christmas, Charlie Manson! ""Hark,"" the herald angels sin,""Glory to the newborn KingPeace on earth, and mercy mildGod and sinners reconciled""Joyful all ye nations riseJoin the triumph of the skies""Hark,"" the herald angels sing"
Stan,"Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here."
Mr. Garrison,"Settle down, children. I have some difficult news. This is going to make you all very sad.  The school board is considering firing me as your teacher. There's a possibility that I will be let go and never allowed to teach you again.  Yes, Stanley?"
Stan,That's okay with us.
Kyle,Yeah.
Kid,"Yeah, we don't care."
Cartman,"Yeah, that's fine."
Mr. Garrison,"No it isn't, it makes you very sad! Now, apparently, the school board thinks that I don't teach you anything about current events, so tomorrow they're going to have you do presentations for the whole board."
Class,Aawwww!
Mr. Garrison,"""Current Events in South Park"". Now, I want you all to read a newspaper, or better yet, watch television, and come up with something current in South Park to do a report on."
Class,Aawwww!
Mr. Garrison,"Now, this'll be a group project, so I'm going to place you all into groups of five. Let's see, uh. Wendy, Bebe, Clyde, Pip, and Token , you'll be Group 1, and Group 2 will be Stan, Kyle, Eric, Kenny, a-and, and Tweek."
Tweek,AAAghah heheh.
Stan,"Oh, not Tweek."
Kyle,We don't wanna be in a group with Tweek.
Mr. Garrison,There's nothing wrong with Tweek. I bet he'll do a great job in your group.
Tweek,"I can't take that kind of pressure. No, Sweet Jesus, ple-hehease!"
Stan,"Dude, we can't work with this kid."
Tweek,Yuh-ugh!
Mr. Garrison,"That's what Chad Everett thought when the new female intern joined the cast of Medical Center. He thought. ""Who is this woman with her gazungas and high heels? What does she know about medicine?"" Well, that intern soon saved Chad Everett's brother with a kidney transplant. So, you see?"
Stan,No.
Mr. Garrison,"Well, let me put it another way. You have to give your oral report to the entire South Park Town Committee tomorrow. And if it doesn't kick ass, and you make me look bad, Mr. Hat is gonna smack you bitches up!"
Tweek,Wagh!
Richard Tweak,"Hello there, customer."
Customer,Hello. How are you today?
Richard Tweak,"Great. What can I get for you? Large coffee, small coffee?"
Customer,I'm actually interested in something else. I'm John Postum from the Harbucks Coffee Corporation...
Richard Tweak,"Oh, you're that corporate guy who's been calling."
Postum,That's right. How come you don't call me back? All we wanna do is buy out your coffee shop here.
Richard Tweak,"Oh, forget it, my my store is not for sale."
Postum,"My company's prepared to make you a veerry generous offer.  This is a Cramsonite briefcase. All leather, it has four compartments and a keyless lock. Interested?"
Richard Tweak,"Uh, I don't think so. My coffee shop is worth a lot to me."
Postum,"Well, all right.  How about $500,000?"
Richard Tweak,"The answer is still no, Mr. Postum. You see, when my father opened this store 30 years ago, he cared about only one thing: making a great cup of coffee.  Sure, we may take a little longer to brew a cup, and we may not call it fancy names, but I guess we just care a little more.  And that's why Tweek Coffee is still home-brewed from the finest beans we can muster. Yes, Tweek Coffee is a simpler cup, for a simpler America."
Postum,"Well, that's too bad. We're just gonna have to open our Harbucks right next door to you."
Richard Tweak,But that could put me out of business.
Postum,"Hey, this is a capitalist country, pal! Get used to it!"
Barbrady,"Hello, Mr. Tweek."
Richard Tweak,"Hi, Officer Barbrady."
Barbrady,Who was that?
Richard Tweak,"Oh, just some dong. What can I get for you."
Barbrady,The usual.  Ogh. Thanks. See you tomorrow.
Richard Tweak,Bye-bye.
Stan,"Okay, we have to do this stupid report, so--"
Tweek,"AAAaaagh. Ugh, ugh, huh, aarrrnnn. Aaarrrhaharn."
Stan,"Sooo, let's figure out what to do it about."
Cartman,"How about we do it on that Raymond guy on TV, you know, Everybody Loves Raymond."
Kyle,"No, Cartman, we can't do it on Raymond again! It has to be on a current event in South Park. Tweek, do you have any ideas?"
Tweek,"Uuurrnnn, too much pressure!"
Stan,"Great. A lot of help you are, kid."
Tweek,The gnomes!
Stan,What?
Tweek,We can do our report on the gnomes.
Stan,What gnomes?
Tweek,"The underpants gnomes. The little guys that, that come into your room late, late at night and steal your underpants."
Cartman,"Oh, so that's where all my underpants go."
Kyle,"Dude, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."
Stan,"Yeah, I've never seen any underpants gnomes."
Tweek,"They come out at 3:30 in the morning. Most people aren't up then, but I am. I can't sleep. Ever."
Kyle,"Dude, we can't do a presentation on underpants gnomes. Mr. Garrison will fail us because you're making it up."
Tweek,No!! Sleep at my house tonight; I'll prove it to you.
Richard Tweak,"They want me to sell the store, and it's so much money."
Mrs. Tweak,Some things are more important than money.  The people of South Park count on you to give them that first cup of coffee every day.
Richard Tweak,"I know, but if they open a Harbucks right next door, we might go out of business. They really have my balls in a vice grip."
Mrs. Tweak,"Oh, hello, son. How was your day?"
Tweek,UUuuUunh!
Mrs. Tweek,That's good. Who are your little friends?
Tweek,What do you mean?!
Kyle,We're his oral report buddies.
Stan,"Yeah, we have to stay up all night to write it."
Mrs. Tweak,"Well, have some coffee boys. I'll brew up another pot for later."
Kyle,Coffee? I don't think I like coffee.
Mrs. Tweak,"Hoh, you'll like this coffee. It's fresh."
Richard Tweak,"Country fresh, like the morning after a rainstorm."
Stan,'Kay. Maybe it'll help us figure out what to do our report on. We have to present it to the entire South Park town committee tomorrow.
Richard Tweak,Oh. I've got one for you. How about doing a report on how large corporations take over little family-owned businesses.
Mrs. Tweak,Richard!
Richard Tweak,"No, I'm- serious, hon. These boys should learn how the corporate machine is ruining America. You see, I own a coffee shop and now a great, big, multi-million dollar company is going to move in and try to take all my business, which means I may have to shut down and sell my son Tweek into slavery."
Tweek,Mwaaah! Slavery?
Richard Tweak,"Yes, slavery."
Stan,"Wow, that sucks, dude."
Richard Tweak,They really have my balls in a salad shooter.
Kyle,We're already doing a paper on Tweek's underpants gnomes.
Stan,Yeah.
Mrs. Tweak,"Now, Tweek, how many times do we have to tell you? Your underpants are missing because you lose them, not because of underpants gnomes."
Tweek,Uunnnnhh!
Kyle,"Come on, you guys! We better get to work!"
Richard Tweak,"Wuh-okay, but corporate takeovers is a much more fertile subject."
Mrs. Tweak,"Honestly, Richard. I don't see why you have to preach to some eight-year olds."
Richard Tweak,"Actually, honey, I think those little tykes are just what we need. I've got an idea."
Kyle,"Man, this stuff is strong."
Stan,Kind of bitter.
Tweek,What if my parents go out of business? Uh what'll I do?
Kyle,Don't worry about it.
Tweek,But we'll starve and die like dogs.
Cartman,"Tweek, Tweek, you can always go on welfare. Look at Kenny's family: they're perfectly happy being poor and on welfare. Right, Kenny?"
Kenny,(Fuck you!)
Cartman,"Heheh, you suck, Kenny."
Kyle,"Well, let's just try to finish all this coffee, so we can stay up."
Stan,Aooooo!
Kyle,Woohoo!
Kenny,(Let me try! Let me try!)
Stan,"Yeess, this stuff rocks!"
Kyle,"Totally, dudes! I feel awesome!"
Stan,Whoopee!
Kenny,(Look at me! Look at me!)
Cartman,"You guys! You guys! Seriously! I'm a sorcerer! Zhyagah, zhyah, zhyagot that."
Kyle,"Hey, Tweek, you got anymore of this stuff?"
Tweek,I just have grounds.
Kyle,Killer!!
Cartman,"Ey, let me have some grounds."
Kyle,"Gross, Cartman. Whoopee!"
Kyle,"Hogh, my stomach hurts."
Stan,"Yeah, mine too. I wonder why."
Kyle,"Well, it's 3:30; I don't see any god-damned underpants gnomes, Tweek."
Tweek,"Urgh. Uh maybe, maybe it was all in my head. Maybe I'm going insane! Oh no I'm going insane!"
Stan,"Well, this is just great! We haven't gotten anything done, and we're totally screwed!"
Richard Tweak,"How's the report going, boys?"
Stan,Bad!
Richard Tweak,"Oh, do you need some more coffee?"
Boys,Eugh.
Cartman,No...more...coffee. Blech.
Richard Tweak,"Well, boys, uh. I don't mean to pry, but, if you want it, I wrote your report for you."
All,You did?!
Richard Tweak,"Yes, it's all about corporate takeovers. Of course, you don't have to use it."
Stan,"No, we'll use it."
Richard Tweak,"All right.  And it can be our little secret about who wrote it, right?"
Kyle,Sure.
Richard Tweak,"Now, when you give the report,  just make sure that you read this part first, okay?"
Tweek,There they are!
Richard Tweak,"And when you come up to do it a second time, really, really clear it up, I mean, um, really, really play the sympathy angle. They'll like that. They'll be calling you, and you'll get a passing grade for it."
Tweek,"You guys, look! Look! You're missing it!"
Tweek,Arrgghh! They took them again!
Kyle,"Thanks, dude."
Richard Tweak,"My pleasure. G'night, boys."
Stan,"Wow, Tweek, your dad rocks!"
Tweek,Why do they torture me like this?! Why can't they leave me alone?!
Kyle,"Damnit! What the hell is wrong with you, Tweek?!"
Tweek,They took my underpants again! Soon they'll want my blood! Blood! Euuggh!
Kyle,"""And as the voluminous corporate automaton bulldozes its way through bantam America..."
Cartman,"What will become of the endeavoring American family?"""
Mr. Garrison,"I don't think they wrote this, Mr. Hat."
Stan,Perhaps there is no stopping the corporate machine.
Tweek,Uurrgh!
Kyle,"And that's our report, I guess."
Mr. Garrison,"Well, boys, it's obvious you didn't even--"
Lady Member,Great job!
Mr. Garrison,"Yes, great job."
Lady Member,"Boys, you have really opened our eyes. We didn't even know this was happening."
Cartman,Neither did we.
Lady Member,"Well, Mr. Garrison, it looks like we were wrong about you. You really are teaching these kids something."
Mr. Garrison,"Yeah, well, I don't want to sound like a dickhole, but I told you so."
Lady Member,"Aw, I am really moved. I say we follow these boys's cause. Let's join them in the fight against corporate takeovers!  Lead the way, boys!"
Stan,Huh??
Tweek,"Uunh, it's too much pressure!"
Postum,"Good! Good! Now, make sure that sign is really bright and flashy now."
Mrs. Tweak,"My goodness. That's going to be a huge coffee house, honey."
Richard Tweak,"Yes, it is.  They really have my balls in a juice maker.  Oh, hello, son, uh. How did your report go?"
Tweek,Waagh!
Kyle,I think it went really good. Those people really got into it.
Richard Tweak,"Really?? Well, son, you might have just saved the family business. What do you have to say about that?"
Tweek,I need coffee.
Richard Tweak,"I know how you boys feel.  Sometimes a hot cup of French Roast Amaretto is just what a man needs to get him through the day. That smooth aroma and mild taste is what make Tweek coffee...  uh very special. Special, like an Arizona sunrise or a juniper wet with dew. A light rain in the middle of a dusty afternoon or a hug from your dear old aunt-- ."
Tweek,Dad!
Richard Tweak,What?
Tweek,"The metaphors, man!"
Richard Tweak,"Oh, sorry. Here you go."
Kyle,Hey. Do you ever think maybe you shouldn't give your son coffee?
Mrs. Tweak,"Liike, how do you mean?"
Kyle,Like look at him. He's always shaking and nervous.
Tweek,Agghh!
Mrs. Tweak,"Oh, that. He has ADD, attention deficit disorder. That's why he's so jittery all the time."
Lady Member,"Mr. Tweek, we've only just heard."
Richard Tweak,"Oh, hello committee members. What a surprise."
Lady Member,"So, this is the corporate bulldozer trying to push you off the map."
Mr. Tweek,Yes. How did you hear?
Lady Member 2,These boys did an excellent report for us this morning. They're so upset by this whole thing
Kyle,My butt hurts.
Lady Member,"Don't worry, Mr. Tweek. This committee is not going to let you be run out of business by these bastards! Do you hear that? You're not gonna get away with this, you whore!"
Postum,Excuse me?!
Lady Member 2,"Boys, we've talked it over, and we want you to take your case to the mayor!"
Stan,Our case?
Tweek,"Uuhhh, no way, man! That is way too much pressure!"
Richard Tweak,"Oh, you'll do fine, son."
Lady Member 2,"Come on, boys! Let's go!"
Cartman,"Aw, man, this sucks!"
Tweek,Aaarrrnnn!
Lady Member,...And we would have never even known that this was happening if not for these boys' excellent report.
Mayor,You're telling me that students from Mr. Garrison's class actually did something that had some kind of relevance to the world?
Lady Member,That's right.
Mayor,"Mr. Garrison, the guy with the puppet?"
Lady Member,Yes!
Mayor,"Well, I must say, Garrison, perhaps you're not as stupid and crazy as I always tell people you are."
Mr. Garrison,"Thank you, Mayor. I don't wanna sound like a dickhole, but I-"
Lady Member,"Mayor, these boys want that Harbucks coffee shut down right now!"
Male Member,Yeah!
Lady Member 2,Hyeah!
Mayor,"Well, I can't just shut them down, this is a free country."
Lady Member,But they're ruining our city!
Mayor,"Look, the best I can do is create a proposition. We'll call it Prop. 10. The town can vote on it, and if it passes, we'll see what we can do."
Blond Member,Hooray!
The Other Members,Hooray!
Lady Member,"What do you say, boys? We're gonna pass a law!"
Stan,Uh... Hooray.
Mayor,"So I guess you wanna do some campaigning.  You can do commercials and things like that, and then we'll have a vote in the middle of town. And obviously, if more than 50% of the people even show up..."
Tweek,Wagh!
Mayor,"...and care enough to want Harbucks out, then, they're out. So, good luck to you."
Tweek,Didn't you see them!?
Mayor,"All right, what's next."
Ted,"Next is issue 37D, missing underpants."
Johnson,Is it cold in here?
Mr. Garrison,"Uh, boys, can I have a quick this and that with you? Boys, I don't know who wrote that report, but now that you've convinced everybody, you'd better stick with it. 'Cause if these people find out you didn't really write that paper, and I actually do get fired, then Mr. Hat is gonna do horrible things to you.  Oh, not that, Mr. Hat! That's really horrible! Anyway, good luck passing your new law, boys."
Tweek,"Jesus, man, Jesus! What are we gonna do, huh?!"
Tweek,"Jesus, man, Jesus! What are we gonna do, huh?!"
Host,"Live, it's the South Park Town Hall Meeting on Public Access. Tonight's topic: Prop. 10."
Mediator,"Should Harbucks be allowed to open a store in South Park? That's tonight's topic. On my left, five innocent, starry-eyed boys from Middle America.  On my right, a big, fat, smelly corporate guy from New York."
Audience,Boo!
Postum,"Hey, I'm not fat or smelly!"
Mediator,"All right, Mr. Douchebag."
Postum,Postum!
Mediator,"Oh. Pardon me, Mr. Assface. Anyway, let's hear your side of the argument."
Audience,Boo!
Postum,My argument is simple. This country's founded on free enterprise. Harbucks is an organization that--
Audience,Hhssssssss!
Postem,"An organization that prides itself on great coffee! We simply want tuh-- Oh, to hell with you!"
Mediator,"Okay, ucka-fay. Now for the other side of the argument we turn to our young, handsome lads.  Boys, your thoughts.  Come on, boys, don't be shy. What's your principal argument?"
Kyle,Uh...
Stan,Uh...
Cartman,This guy sucks ass!
Audience,Yeah! Yeah! Woo!
Mediator,"Great argument! You win, boys!"
Postum,What?!
Mr. Garrison,"That was close, Mr. Hat."
Voice-over,"What is the future of America? Is it the money we make?  The quests we conquer?  No, it's children.  So what do children have to say about Prop. 10?"
Kyle,I don't like big corporations.
Stan,I like small businesses.
Cartman,I believe in the family-owned enterprise.
Kenny,"(In my family, it's a silly enterprise.)"
Tweek,Aarrgghh!
Voice-over,"It's time to stop large corporations. Prop. 10 is about children. Vote Yes on Prop. 10, or else, you hate children. You don't hate... children... do you? Remember, keep American business small, or else.  Paid for by Citizens for a Fair and Equal way to get Harbucks Coffee kicked out of town forever."
Lady Member,"Well, what do you think?"
Richard Tweak,"Wow, it it's great!"
Lady Member,Yes it is. We'll put it on the air immediately.
Richard Tweak,"What do you think, hon?  Hon? What's the matter?"
Mrs. Tweak,I have a big problem with this.
Richard Tweak,What do you mean?
Mrs. Tweak,We are just using those boys for our benefit. They have no idea what they're saying.
Richard Tweak,"But, kids are great to get people on our side."
Mrs. Tweak,You don't just throw a child in a political commercial to sell your beliefs. I won't be a part of this anymore.
Richard Tweak,"Honey, all's fair in love and war.  And coffee. Hon? Hu-hon?"
Lady Protester,Take your corporate coffee and go back to New York City!
Crowd,Yeah!!
Blonde Protester,"It's people like you who are ruining Main Street, USA!"
Crowd,That's right! Yeah!
Lady Protester,"How many Native Americans did you slaughter to make that coffee, huh?!"
Crowd,Yeah!!
Postum,"Damn, these people aren't buying any coffee! I'll have to try and appeal to the younger crowd."
Postum,"Hey, kids. I'm Camel Joe and I love a fresh cup of coffee. It's yum diddly-icious, and it makes you feel super!  I have a surprise for you: the new Kiddicino from Harbucks; more sugar and all the other goodies kids like with all the caffeine of a normal double latte."
Kid's Mom,"No Billy, no coffee for you.  You should be ashamed of yourself, using cartoons to push caffeine on children!"
Postum,"Why don't you go back to the hole you crawled out from, lady?!"
Richard Tweak,"Uh, Mr. Postum, I'm afraid you've got a lot to learn about making coffee."
Postum,"Oh, and you don't? Your coffee tastes like three-day-old moldy diarrhea!"
Richard Tweak,"Uh I'm sorry to inform you that this town is having a vote tomorrow, and if the law passes, you're gonna be thrown out of town."
Postum,What?!
Richard Tweak,"At five o'clock, the best coffee wins. Either your coffee, or a fresh, warm cup of... Tweek's coffee.  Like an old sweater that keeps getting warmer with age, you can count on Tweek's coffee to start your day."
Mayor,"Tomorrow, for the Prop. 10 vote, we'll set up ballot booths... here.  All right, men, we'll throw up the stage here. Before the vote we'll get a band everyone likes, like uhhhh, like..."
Johnson,Toto.
Mayor,"Like Toto. And then the Harbuck's guy will have five minutes to speak and the boys will have five minutes to speak, and then the town votes."
Mr. Garrison,"Uh, boys, you better get your asses to work."
Cartman,What now?
Mr. Garrison,"They're expecting you to give a big speech on corporate takeovers, and this time it has to last five minutes."
Kyle,"Oh, God, when is this gonna end?"
Stan,"Your dad really screwed us, Tweek!"
Tweek,"Jesus, dude! I'm to blame for all this! I'm to blame for everything!"
Kyle,So what are we gonna say?
Cartman,Why can't we just read the paper we wrote last time?
Stan,"'Cause then they'll know we didn't write it, dummy! We have to be original!"
Kyle,Does anybody know anything about corporations?
Tweek,Waagh!
Cartman,I think my mom is a corporation.
Stan,"Yeah, that makes sense."
Tweek,You guys! Sshhhh!
Kyle,"Well, how about we just say, ""corporates should be stopped""?"
Stan,How do we stretch that into five minutes?
Tweek,They're taking my underpants!
Kyle,"Will you stop with the underpants gnomes, Tweek?! We have to work here!"
Tweek,Aaaggghhh!
Stan,What the hell?
Cartman,"Well, I'll be damned."
Tweek,That's my last pair of underpants!
Kyle,"Sshh, don't scare him."
Stan,"Hey there, little guy."
Cartman,Bad!
Kyle,Cartman!
Cartman,What?!
Kyle,Why do you always have to hit stuff with a stick?!
Cartman,"Well, look at him. He's all, you know, uh l-look at him."
Gnome,"Is that all you've got, pussy?"
Cartman,What?!
Stan,"Hey, he talks!"
Cartman,"Yeah, he called me a pussy! I'm not a pussy, you're a pussy!"
Gnome,"You're a pussy, pussy!"
Cartman,Ey!
Stan,"Dude, why are you taking Tweek's underpants?"
Kyle,"Yeah, look what you're doing to this poor kid."
Tweek,Waggh.
Gnome,Stealing underpants big business.
Stan,"Business? Wait, do you know anything about business?"
Gnome,"Sure, that's what gnomes do."
Kyle,Show us.
Gnome,O-kay. Follow me.
Cartman,"Little pussy gnome. Don't call me a pussy, pussy gnome."
Gnome,Not much longer now.
Cartman,"Oh, are you gonna take us to your little pussy house?"
Gnome,"No, pussy, I'm taking you to my village."
Cartman,"Oh, your pussy village?"
Stan,"Cartman, will you just shut up and let him show us?"
Gnome,Follow me.
Cartman,I hope we're not wasting our time with this little pecker.
Postum,"Well, it looks like Harbucks will never make it in this town.  All right, boys, that's it. Pack it up, we're movin' out of town."
Worker 1,"Aw, but we just finished."
Postum,"I know, but these folks obviously don't want us here."
Worker 2,But what will become of us?
Postum,"Oh, quit being so melodramatic, Sanchez. Jesus Christ!"
Stan,"Damn, dude, this place is huge!"
Kyle,Yeah. It's almost as big as Cartman's ass.
Cartman,"No it isn't, you guys!"
Gnome,This is where all our work is done.
Cartman,So what are you gonna do with all these underpants that you steal?
Gnome,Collecting underpants is just phase 1. Phase 1: collect underpants.
Kyle,"Sooo, what's phase 2?"
Gnome,"Hey, what's phase 2?"
Gnome 2,Phase 1: we collect underpants.
Gnome,"Yeah yeah yeah, but, what about phase 2?"
Gnome 2,"Well, phase 3 is profit. Get it?"
Stan,I don't get it.
Gnome 2,"You see,Phase 1: collect underpants. Phase 2: ... Phase 3: Profit."
Cartman,"Oh, I get it."
Stan,"No you don't, fatass!"
Kyle,Do you guys know anything about corporations?
Gnome,You bet we do!
Gnome 2,Us gnomes are geniuses at corporations.
Gnomes,"Time to go to work, work all nightSe--"
Center Gnome,"Jesus Christ, look out!"
Stan,"Oh my God, they killed Kenny."
Kyle,"You bastards. Listen, we have to give a huge speech tomorrow about corporate takeovers."
Gnome,Holy shit! We've killed your friend!
Stan,Yeahyeahyeah. Look. We've gotta know about corporate takeovers tomorrow or we're screwed.
Gnome 2,"Christ, we squished him like a bug!"
Stan,Do you know anything about corporate takeovers?
Gnome,"Well, we can explain that to you easily."
Gnome 2,"Yes, for a price."
Kyle,What?
Gnome,You know.
Stan,Underpants?
Gnomes,Underpants!
Lady Member,"Toto, ladies and gentlemen!"
Prop. 10 Supporter,"Yeah, Toto! Whoo, Toto! Woo!"
Lady Member,"All right. And now, before we all vote yes on Prop. 10, here to remind us why are the lovable, innocent children."
Stan,"Uh. Since we are so concerned with the corporate takeovers, we went and asked our friends, the underpants gnomes, and they told us all about big corporations."
Supporter,Underpants gnomes?
Kyle,Big corporations are good!
Supporter,What?
Supporter 2,What's this?
Supporter 3,Good?
Kyle,Because without big corporations we wouldn't have things like cars and computers and canned soup.
Stan,"Even Harbucks Coffee started off as a small, little business. But because it made such great coffee, and because they ran their business so well, they managed to grow and grow until it became the corporate powerhouse it is today. And that is why we should all let Harbucks stay!"
Townsman,Ogh.
Lady Member,That's not what you said last time.
Kyle,"Uuuh. Well, the truth is, we didn't write that paper last time."
Mr. Garrison,You little turds!! You've ruined my life for the last time!!
Mrs. Tweak,"These boys are absolutely right. We've been using these poor kids to pull at your heartstrings for our cause, and it's wrong. We're as low and despicable as Rob Reiner. You keep protesting and complaining, but did any of you ever even bother to taste Harbucks coffee?  Harbucks coffee got to where it is by being the best. Don't you think you should at least try it?"
Townsman,"Hey, this is pretty damn good."
Townsman 2,"Yeah, it doesn't have that bland, raw, sewage taste that Tweek's coffee has."
Richard Tweak,"Hey. Hey, that is good."
Postum,It's a French roast.
Richard Tweak,"It's subtle and mild. Mild, like that first splash of sun on an April  morning. This coffee is coffee the way it should be."
Postum,"Hehey, no hard feelings, Tweek. You know, we still need someone to run this Harbucks coffeehouse. I'm sure it will make a lot of money."
Richard Tweak,"Thank you, Mr. Postum, but I think we'll be happy with the money we make selling our son into slavery."
Tweek,Aggghhh!
Richard Tweak,"Just kidding, son."
Cartman,I love you guys.
Aussie,"As we steer our boat down , looking for these dangerous predators... Boy, there's a king croc right here.  He must be four meters; 12, 13 feet long at least.  This croc has enough power in its jaws to rip my head right off."
Kenny,"(Oh, no!)"
Aussie,"I've got to be careful. So, what I'm gonna do is sneak up on it and jam my thumb in its butthole."
Stan,Holy crap. dude!
Aussie,"If I get bit out here, I'm 200 kilometers from the nearest hospital: I'd better be real careful jamming my thumb in its butthole.  Oh, boy, it's pissed off now."
Kyle,"Go, dude, go!"
Aussie,"I'm gonna jam my thumb it its butthole now! This should really piss it off!  Oh, yeah, that pissed it off, all right!  I've gotta be careful!"
Stan,This guy rules!
Kenny,(He actually killed it!)
Cartman,I told you guys.
Aussie,"Well! That was quite an angry croc! But I managed to escape with only a few bruises and a shattered left testicle. Next week we'll look for more of these beautiful creatures, so we can learn more about them by pissing them off immensely. Thanks for watching."
Kyle,Dude! Let's go look for crocodiles!
Stan,Yeah!
Cartman,"There's bound to be some crocs up here. I'll use my croc call and try to bring 'em out. Brigeghus, brigeghus! Brig-!"
Kyle,"That's not how a croc sounds, you fatass penis!"
Cartman,"Ogh! Now I'm gonna kick my friend Kyle in the beanbag and see what happens, by crikey!"
Kyle,"Get away from me, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Come 'ere, crocky."
Kyle,AAAAAAAAAA!
Stan,Dude!
Kyle,HELP!
Stan,"Good job, Cartman! You killed Kyle!"
Kenny,(You bastard!)
Cartman,"Well, he shouldn't have called me fat."
Stan,Why the hell not?! That's like calling the sky blue!
Cartman,"Well, screw him, he's dead! Let's go look for crocodiles!"
Kyle,You guuuys!
Stan,"Hey, he's still alive.  Kyle, you okay?"
Kyle,I think so. Is Cartman up there?
Cartman,"I'm right here, Kyle."
Kyle,"Cartman, you fucking hunk of fat, rat-fucking hunk of pig-fucking ass fat."
Cartman,"Oh yeah?! Oh yeah?! Say that to my face, pussy!"
Stan,"Can you climb back up, dude?"
Kyle,I don't think so.
Stan,"Damn it, I guess I'll have to go get him."
Cartman,"Nah. Come on, guys. Let's go look for crocodi-iles."
Stan,"Whoa, dude. This is making me sick. Blaach!  Bluchluchluchluch."
Kyle,"Sick, dude!"
Stan,"Sorry.  What the hell are you doing, fat boy?!"
Cartman,"Screw you, hippie!"
Kyle,"Come on, dude. I wanna get out of here."
Stan,All right. Just grab the rope. Wait a minute. What's this?
Both,AAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Kyle,"Dude, it's a dude!"
Stan,"He's like, some frozen guy."
Cartman,"Come on, you guys, it's getting cold up here!"
Stan,"Shut up, Cartman!  Dude, I saw this in a movie once. The old cavemen get frozen, and then people discover them and make them their caveman friends."
Kyle,Wow. Cool.
Stan,"You guys, there's a frozen ape man from the past down here! Send some more rope!"
Cartman,"Really?  Hey, there's a frozen guy down there."
Stan,Help me chip some of the ice away.
Cartman,"Hey you guys. This is just like that one movie, um, John Travolta and that, French chick were doing it, all summer long and went back to school and sang songs about ""Greased Lightning.""  You know, that movie where Sandra Dee thinks she's all prissy, and then they try and try to get an abortion, but she doesn't have all the-"
Stan and Kyle,"Cartman, will you shut the hell up and get some more rope?!"
Cartman,"Aww, screw you guys anyway!"
Stan,"Hey, remember when that kid found a wallet and got a reward?"
Kyle,"Yeah, sweet! Maybe we can get a reward for the frozen guy!"
Both,Hooray!
Cartman,For what?
Stan,Where shall we bring it?
Kyle,I don't know. We just have to get it to town and let them figure out what to do with it.
Stan,I think I'm going to name it Gorak.
Kyle,"No, dude! We have to name it Steve."
Stan,Steve? What the hell kind of caveman name is Steve?
Kyle,"It's my name, and I found him."
Stan,"You didn't find him, I found him."
Kyle,"What are you talking about, dude?! I fell down that abyss and there it was!"
Stan,You wouldn't even have noticed it if I hadn't pointed it out.
Kyle,"Kenny, who found the ice man?"
Kenny,"(Well, I think you guys should name it Steve)"
Cartman,"I think we're almost there, you guys."
Mayor,"Aalll right, people. The next order of business is a very serious matter. We need to vote on whether South Park should reinstate the death penalty or not. All those in favor, say ""yippee."""
Some People,Yippee.
Tardy Man,"Wait, what was that? I missed the question. Yippee!"
Mayor,"All those opposed, say ""nay."""
Other People,Nay.
Tardy Man,Screw you!
Man,Ey! Screw you!
Stan,"Huh, excuse me?"
Mayor,"Not now, kids. The town is having a very important debate on capital punishment."
Kyle,But we found a frozen ice man from the past!
Stan,I found this frozen guy in the woods today.
Kyle,No. I found this frozen guy in the woods today.
Mayor,What the hell is going on here?
Kyle,We came for our reward.
Cartman,"Yeah, like the kid with the wallet."
Mayor,Reward? What reward?
Mephesto,"Mayor, I think the boys may have stumbled onto something here. You see, Mayor, frozen links are often found: dinosaur eggs, woolly mammoths. This specimen could be a missing link  in our evolution. If I can unfreeze the body, and perform an autopsy, I could learn much about this creature's people and its time."
Mayor,"Sure sure sure, be my guest, knock your socks off."
Mephesto,"Thank you, Mayor. Oh, and boys, I, I can't give you a reward for finding this creature, but if you'd like, I'll let you name him."
Stan,Really.
Kyle,Sweet. How about Steve?
Mephesto,Steve it is.
Stan,Wait a minute! His name is Gorak!
Mephesto,"Come on, Steve. We've got work to do.  Unfreezing this body will be quite delicate work. We'll have to use the most advanced methods available."
Mephesto,"This is very exciting. He could be a Neanderthal. Or an Australopithecus from the Paleolithic era.  Do you see that, Kevin? These clothes are from Eddie Bauer. I haven't seen anybody wear clothes from Eddie Bauer since... 1996!  This is incredible! Think of all we can learn from this body! All that it can teach us! Let's just hope the press doesn't get wind of this right away."
Barbrady,"Stand back, people. There's nothing to see here."
Reporter,What about the prehistoric ice man?
Barbrady,"Oh, yeah. There is that."
Reporter,"Dr. Mephesto, could you please tell us what's going on?"
Mephesto,"Ladies and gentlemen, we still have a lot of work to do.  But it is my opinion that this man has been frozen in time for over 32 months!  Yes, it's true, although at this early stage we know very little about this man or the time from which he comes."
Reporter,"Fascinating news tonight from South Park. An ancient discovery of a prehistoric man actually frozen in ice. A team of scientists continues to try and unfreeze the body so that it can be autopsied, and studied. The caveman was discovered by Kyle Broflovski, who had this to say:"
Kyle,"Well, I fell down this ice cavern,  and I saw this block of ice, so I told my friend to throw a rope-"
Reporter,"The prehistoric ice man is thought to be from the late neo-post-Jurassic era, where he was probably part of a hunting and gathering tribe that lived on Waterston Street."
Mephesto,"That's it, Kevin. Now we can begin the autopsy."
Mephesto,Ugh? What's this?
Mayor,Holy crap! He's alive??
Mephesto,That's impossible!  Do an EKG on him!
Mephesto,"My God, he really is alive. The ice must have preserved him!"
Mayor,"Well, quick, do something!"
Mephesto,"Nono, we've got to think this through.  Mayor, this man has not been conscious for almost three years. He won't understand what he sees! He'll be frightened and confused!"
Mayor,"Well, you just can't let him die."
Mephesto,Perhaps death is better than the shock he will take trying to adapt to our time.
Mephesto,Oh my God. It looks as if he's about to speak!
Reporter 1,What?
Reporter 2,What's he saying?
Reporter 3,Is that English?
Mephesto,"What? You're, you're hungry?"
Mephesto,"You're, you're hungry?"
Mephesto,Me friend. Friieend. Me friend. Ma-phes-to. Mah-phehs-to.
Mephesto,"Hawgh! If we could understand what he's saying, then maybe we could get some answers.  If only there was someone who could communicate with him on a level as primitive as his own, a mind like... a child."
Stan,"Dude, I wanted to call him Gorak."
Kyle,Gorak's a gay name.
Stan,"No, it isn't!"
Kyle,Why are you being such a dick?
Stan,"I'm not being a dick, you're being a dick!"
Kyle,Nuh-uh!
Barbrady,"Hello, children. Dr. Mephesto needs one of you to help him out in his lab with the prehistoric ice man."
Kyle,I'll go.
Stan,"No, I'll go! I found him!"
Cartman,"Damn, I've never seen you guys fight like this!"
Barbrady,"All right, there's only one fair way to do this. Everyone stick out their potatoes.  My mother and your mother were out hanging clothes. My mother punched your mother in the nose. What color blood came out?"
Kenny,(Blue.)
Barbrady,"B L O O uh oh-O spells ""blue"" and that means that you will go to the lab and help out Mephesto and then we can all go home and watch Murphy Brown."
Mephesto,Steve. You-
Mephesto,"Steeve. Steeeve. Steeeve.  Oh good, you're here."
Stan,"Oh my God, they revived Gorak."
Kyle,You bastards!
Mephesto,"Yes, and I need you to communicate with him. See if you can understand what he's saying."
Stan,Uh. Hi.
Mephesto,What'd he say?
Stan,"He said, ""hi."""
Mephesto,Very interesting.
Mephesto,What??
Stan,He wants to know where he is.
Mephesto,"Tell him, tell him he's... home."
Stan,You're... home.
Mephesto,In the year 1999.
Mephesto,He's been frozen for the last 32 months.
Stan,"Dude, you've been frozen 32 months."
Mephesto,And we found you-
Mephesto,"All right, all right, all-"
Mephesto,"All right, all right, calm down."
Mephesto,I think that's enough for today.
Kyle,"Good job, dude! You freaked him out!"
Stan,"Oh, shut up, assmaster. You're just jealous 'cause they had me talk to him."
Kyle,Guess what? You're not my best friend anymore! Cartman's my new best friend!
Cartman,Sweet.
Stan,"Oh yeah? Well You're not my best friend anymore, either! Cartman is now my best friend!"
Cartman,Killer.
Kyle,Fine!
Stan,Fine!
Cartman,Fine.
Agent,Are you Alphonse Mephesto?
Mephesto,The same.
Agent,We understand that you are currently in possession of the prehistoric ice man from 1996.
Mephesto,That's right.
Agent,We would like to...  we would like to offer our services in your experiments.
Mephesto,Oh? Where are you gents from?
Agent 2,"We are from the University, of... America."
Mephesto,"Well, there's not a lot to see, but... Come in.  He's still not responding much to us; the shock is still settling in,  but we've made great progress now that he's in the habitat."
Agent,Habitat?
Mephesto,Yes. Kevin and I designed a habitat for Steve to live in that is completely like his own world. Everything is 1996-oriented.
Agent,Amazing. He looks so much like us.
Mephesto,"Yes, well, Kevin has done a lot of work in figuring out just how related to us Steve really is. He came up with this drawing:"
Agent,"Dr. Mephesto, we realize that scientific study is expensive. We want to help you make this project more... lucrative."
Mephesto,How would we do that?
Agent,It's easy.
Mephesto,"As you can see, the ice man is listening to Ace of Base, which was a very popular group during his era, and primitive drumming soothed his people's tempers."
Stan,He doesn't look very happy in there.
Kyle,"No, he sure doesn't."
Stan,"I wasn't talking to you, buttpipe! I was talking to Cartman!"
Kyle,"Well, I was talking to Cartman, too!"
Cartman,"Damn, I'm pretty freakin' cool all of a sudden."
Mephesto,"Ah! Here we see the ice man trying to gain Internet access on the computer. The Internet was still not very big in his time, so the Web frightens and confuses him.  It's okay, he can't hurt you.  It's one-way glass: he can't even see us.  And now the ice man watches television."
Aussie,This grizzly bear has the strength of over ten Morgan Freemans. I'm really pissing him off right now.
Mephesto,Wait. This could be dangerous.
Agent,How so?
Mepehsto,He's changing the channel. Something on the television could frighten and confuse him.
Sports Reporter,And they've done it! The Atlanta Falcons are going to the Super Bowl!
Stan,You guys aren't being very nice to my creature.
Kyle,He's my creature!
Mephesto,"He's fine, boys. And we're learning so much from him."
Stan,"Let him out, dude. He's scared."
Agent,He would be more scared on the outside. Do you think this stuff freaks him out? How do you think he'd react to what's happening in the government right now?
Kyle,But it isn't right!
Agent 2,"Little boy, sometimes, what's right isn't as important as what's profitable."
Kenny,(Uh oh. Ow!)
Stan,"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!"
Kyle,What?! I'm not talking to you!
Stan,Gorak!  Gorak! Gorak! Are you there?
Stan,"I don't think it's fair for them to keep you captive like this, Gorak. I came to bust you out."
Stan,What are you doing here?
Kyle,I'm here to bust out Steve.
Stan,What?! You can't. I'm here to bust out Gorak.
Kyle,His name is Steve!
Stan,His name is Gorak!
Kyle,Steve!
Stan,Gorak!
Kyle,Steve!
Stan,What kind of stupid-ass name is Steve?!
Kyle,"Because, he kinda like looks like Steve Austin, the $6 million man"
Stan,No he doesn't!!
Kyle,Does so!
Larry,"Uh. Hey, kids, could you just open the door so I can get back to my family?"
Stan,"I found him, I'm rescuing him!"
Larry,Thanks.
Stan,You're a dick!
Kyle,You're a dick!
Stan,"You're a dick, and I've had it with your dicketry! I choose you!"
Kyle,"You want a fight? Well, that's fine with me!"
Stan,"Tomorrow at the bus stop, 4 o'clock!"
Kyle,"Well, why don't we make 3 o'clock?"
Stan,"Dude, Terrance and Phillip is on at 3."
Kyle,"Oh yeah.  Fine, I'll kick your ass tomorrow, dick!"
Stan,"I'll kick your ass so bad you'll wish you never had it- to begin with! Your ass, I mean.  Wait."
Marilyn Manson,I just smelled your britches and they're stinkyStinky BritchesStinky Britches
Larry,Arrrggh!
Mephesto,He's gone! The ice man has broken out!
Agent,"No, that's impossible! How could he have?"
Mephesto,He must have used this... door
Agent,"Damn it, Damn it!"
Mephesto,We have to find him! He won't survive long out in the world!
Agent,"Yes, and if he isn't found, we won't be able to use him for our military war-"
Agent 2,Sshhhh!
Agent,Right.
Mephesto,What?
Agent 2,What?
Agent,Nothing.
Mephesto,"No, what did you say? Uh, use him for what?"
Agent,Butlutlutlutlup!
Agent 2,"Dr. Mephesto, where could the creature have gone?"
Mephesto,I have no idea!
Agent,We'll never track him down on our own. This calls for some special assistance.
Woman,Can I help you?
Larry,"Leslie. It's me, Larry.  Your husband?"
Woman,Husband? You're not my husband.
Larry,"Think hard, Leslie. We used to be together, for over eight years?"
Woman,"I seem to remember a husband, but I think he was lost and never found on Kenosha Pass."
Larry,That was me!
Woman,Oh.
Big Man,"Who is it, lover?"
Woman,"It's my former husband, who I had forgotten all about."
Big Man,"Ooooo.  Well, sir, let me shake your hand. I'm proud to meet the man whose wife I'm currently sticking it to every night."
Larry,So you... remarried.
Woman,"Yes, Lorry."
Larry,Larry!
Woman,"Uhlarry. Larry-y, you disap-peared. I waited for you to come home for over three days! I. I remember how cold and lonely the nights got. By the fourth day I knew: I had to move on."
Larry,Didn't anybody send out a search party?
Woman,"We did, Larry. We looked all afternoon. But we found nothing, no trace."
Larry,"Please, Leslie, I don't know where else to go. I'm confused."
Woman,"Leslie, I'm with Buck now."
Larry,You're Leslie.
Woman,"Right. I'm with Buck now. We have children together.  Calvin is eight, and little Buck is 13. I just can't up and leave them. I'm sorry."
Larry,"I'm sorry, too. I'll leave you alone.  Eight and thirteen?"
Cartman,"Well, I don't see any crocs out here."
Stan,"Damnit, Cartman, you're supposed to be helping me to get ready to fight Kyle, not playing Australian outback guy!"
Cartman,"Or, in other words, I'll let this jagu-ar bop me in the face and see if it hurts. Come on, jagu-ar, let's see what you've got!  Aaah! Ow, son of a bitch!"
Stan,"You suck as a best friend, Cartman!"
Cartman,You son of a bitch cat!
Stan,"What are you doing, Gorak!"
Larry,I can't live in your time. I'm freezing myself again.
Stan,"Wow, that sucks, dude."
Larry,"Tell me about it. I've been doing this for over three and a half hours now, and only my toes are starting to ice over."
Kyle,"Steve, wait!"
Stan,"What are you doing here, dick?! We're not supposed to fight until 4 o'clock!"
Kyle,"I've got something to show Steve, dick!"
Stan,"Gorak is busy freezing himself again, dick!"
Kyle,"Steve, you don't have to freeze yourself. Look!"
Larry,What is that?
Kyle,"It's this place called Des Moines. It's like, lost in time, see?  Everybody looks like you do.  Fashion is two years behind, Technology is two years behind, fads, are two years behind, just like you."
Larry,Home.
Kyle,"Come on, Steve, you're going to Des Moines!"
Stan,"Oh, no you don't, glory-monger! Gorak is my responsibility. I'll take him to Des Moines!"
Kyle,"No you don't, butthole!"
Larry,They're coming for me!
Stan,Come on!
Cartman,"Yeah, you jagu-ars can be real mean. I'm gonna have to smack it in the face."
Mephesto,Was the ice man here?
Cartman,"He might have been, by crikey."
Agent,"We have to get him back. Well, can you do it?"
Aussie,Sure I can! I can hunt down anything!
Cartman,Wow! Kick ass!
Stan,"We need a one-way ticket to Des Moines, please."
Clerk,Des Moines? What the hell for?
Kyle,"We have to get our friend, Steve-"
Stan,"My friend, Gorak!"
Stan,"No, he's not gonna melt away! That's Frosty, you stupid butthole!"
Kyle,"Frosty, Steve, whatever."
Clerk,"Well, okay. Uh, I'll find him a seat."
Stan,"Dude, look, it's 4 o'clock."
Kyle,"Oh. We'll wait for you over there, Steve. We have to start fighting now."
Larry,"Okay, boys. Thanks."
Kyle,"Okay. First one to die, loses."
Stan,'K.
Kyle,Okay.
Stan,O-okay.
Kyle,"So, here we go."
Stan,'K
Kyle,Go.
Aussie,Wait a second.  I think he came through here recently.
Cartman,"Yeah, I think the same thing."
Agent,"Well, where the hell is he? We've got to get him back to the lab."
Mephesto,He can't function out here in our time!
Aussie,"Calm down, calm down."
Cartman,"Yeah, calm down, calm down, you sons of bitches."
Aussie,Wait! Look!
Mephesto,Is it him?
Aussie,"No! It's a Rocky Mountain rattle snake.  This is the most poisonous snake in this entire region.  Now, what I'm gonna do, is carefully sneak up on him, and jam my thumb up his butthole. Crikey!  Oh, this snake is really pissed!! I'm gonna jam my thumb in his butthole now!  Awww, yeah, that pissed it off all right!"
Mephesto,Does he always do this?
Agent,Yeah.
Cartman,I'm gonna go jam my thumb in some'in's butthole now.
Stan,Ow!
Kyle,Ow!
Stan,"Watch my coat, dude."
Kyle,Oh.
Larry,I got my ticket.
Stan,Huh?
Larry,I have to go to Platform B.
Kyle,"Oh. Okay, it's over this way"
Aussie,The trail ends here.
Agent,The train station? Then he's trying to go somewhere.
Mephesto,"Have you seen a man who looks similar to us, but with a thicker brow and an apish nose?"
Clerk,What the hell are you talking about?
Mephesto,"An ice man, a man from the past. We must find him. Now, where is he?!"
Larry,"Well, this is it. I'm going back to my time. Thanks again, boys."
Stan,"No problem, Gorak."
Kyle,Later.
Larry,"You boys have really shown me the true meaning of friendship. You didn't care about anything but my happiness. You put me in front of yourselves, and that's what real friendship is all about."
Stan,Yup.
Kyle,Uhuh.
Larry,"After being frozen, I've learned that all a person has in life is family. And friends. If you lose those, you have nothing. So friends are to be treasured, more than anything in the world!"
Stan,Right on.
Kyle,Cool.
Larry,"Goodbye, boys. Goodbye, friends!"
Mephesto,Where is he? Where is Steve?!
Stan,His... name... is... Gorak!
Kyle,His name... is Steve!
Agent,The train!
Mephesto,We've got to stop it!
Aussie,No worries.
Agent,Let's get him!
Stan and Kyle,No!
Agent,We've gotta stop that train!
Aussie,"Come back here, you!"
Kyle,"Steve! Steve, look out!"
Stan,They're after you!
Aussie,"Oh, he's a wily one!"
Larry,"Oh, poo!"
Kyle,"Steve, look out!"
Aussie,"Notice the dilated pupils of this prehistoric man. A sure sign the prey is frightened. As well as he should be, as I will now jam my thumb up his butthole."
Larry,Huh?  Whah?!
Agent,Stop the train!
Conductor,"Hey, who are you?"
Agent,"I said, stop that train!"
Conductor,"Yes, hello. I see you."
Cartman,"They're all movin' pretty fast, but I'll catch up to 'em, by crikey."
Larry,I've got you pinned. I win.
Aussie,Now I've got you pinned. I win!
Conductor,Whoa!
Agent,"Hey, it's okay! The helicopter is here!  Go get him, boys!  Cut him off!"
Larry,Nooo!
Aussie,Now for the coup de gras. I'll just... get my... thumb up... here.
Larry,Oohh!
Pilot,"Aah, the train's not stopping.  It's not stopping!  AAAAAAAA!"
Aussie,Holy bum-!
Stan,Where's Gorak??
Pilot,"Wow, that is the God-damnedest thing I've ever seen."
Agent,Where's the ice man?!
Mephesto,He has to be around here somewhere.
Kyle,I can't believe he's gone.
Stan,"Wait, look! The helicopter!"
Kyle,Hey!
Stan,He's alive!
Larry,Good-bye again! I'm off to Des Moines!
Mephesto,No! Come back! You can't get out! You'll never live!
Larry,"I'm not living here! Living is having ups and downs and sharing them with friends!  Thank you, Stan and Kyle! See ya!"
Agent,"Damn! Well, so much for our plan to use the ice man to take over Sweden."
Mephesto,What?!
Agent,What? Nothing!
Stan,"Kyle, Steve was a... pretty good name for that guy."
Kyle,"No- Dude, Gorak is cool because it's original. And besides, you found him."
Cartman,"Be very very quiet. I'm hunting crocodiles, hahahahahaha."
Stan,Could we be best friends again?  I hate having Cartman as a best friend.
Kyle,"Me, too. He sucks."
Cartman,"Oh yeah?! Well I don't need you guys anyways! You guys can kiss my-  Aha! There's a king croc right there!  And what I'm gonna do, is I'm gonna sneak up on it, and jam my thumb in its-"
Cow,Moo!
Cartman,"Ey! Ey, get me out of here! God-damnit! Ugh. Smells like Kenny's house in here."
Character,Line
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, we have a special guest today, a woman recruiting young people  for a national choir tour. Now I know that choir tours are totally stupid and lame , but please, give her your full attention.  Go ahead."
Choir Teacher,"Uh. Thank you, Mr. Garrison.  How are we all doing today?!  I can't hear you! I said, How are we all doing?!"
Mr. Garrison,"Eric Cartman, you say ""excuse me""!"
Cartman,Okay.
Mr. Garrison,Go ahead.
Choir Teacher,"Children, we are a national choir called, ""Getting Gay With Kids!"" We're gonna do a big tour down in Central America to help save the rainforest, and you can be a part of it!"
Kenny,(This sounds fucking screwed.)
Mr. Garrison,"Kenny McCormick, you speak when you're spoken to!!  Go ahead."
Choir Teacher,"You see, we take kids from all over the country and put them in a choir  where we sing and dance to raise awareness about our vanishing rainforest."
Choir Boy,"Did you know over 10,000 acres of rainforest are bulldozed every year?"
Choir Girl,That's right. And over 30% of the world's oxygen  is made in the rainforest.
Choir Teacher,"So, who wants to join the fun??"
Cartman,What if you don't have any rhythm?
Choir Teacher,Excuse me?
Cartman,"Well, like my friend Kyle. He's Jewish, so he doesn't have any rhythm."
Kyle,"Shut up, fatass!"
Stan,Choirs suck.
Mr. Garrison,"Kyle Broflovski, you watch your language!! Eric Cartman, you be nice to people!! Stan Marsh, you mind your manners!! Kenny McCormick, you pay attention!!  Go ahead."
Choir Teacher,"Well, uh, that's all, really.  So, if anyone is interested in seeing the rainforest and joining our choir, I'll leave information packets up front."
Cartman,"Oh, that's good. We need some more toilet paper."
Mr. Garrison,"All right, that does it!!"
Mr. Mackey,"I am tired of seeing you in my office, young man!  You get sent here every day, Craig!"
Craig,I know.
Mr. Mackey,Why can't you behave?
Craig,...I don't know.
Mr. Mackey,"What do you have to say for yourself?!  Well, I tell you what, young man. Uh, you're gonna be held back a grade if you don't luh-  Did you just flip me off?"
Craig,No.
Mr. Mackey,"Yes you did, you just flipped me the bird! Now, see? This is exactly what I'm talking about! If you don't shape up, m'kay, and get your head straight, uh-  There! You just flipped me off again!"
Craig,No I didn't.
Mr. Mackey,"Yes you did! And until you stop flipping people off, you can just go back to the waiting room, m'kay?! Next!  Well, well, well, if it isn't Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Eric."
Kyle,"Hey, Craig."
Eric,"Ey, don't flip me off, you son of a bitch!"
Mr. Mackey,"Sit down, boys. Now, let's see. What did Mr. Garrison send you in here for? ""The boys were being rude while a choir teacher was giving some stupid presentation-"""
Stan,It's just some dumb activist kids' choir thing.
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, young man, ""Getting Gay With Kids"" is not dumb, m'kay? It just so happens that I'm on the board of directors."
Kyle,Dude! All those choirs are the same. They don't even really sing. They use prerecorded tapes.
Mr. Mackey,"Well, guess what, boys? I think that ""Getting Gay With Kids"" is just what you need. I'm gonna sign up all four of you."
Stan,What?!
Kyle,You can't do that!
Kenny,"(Woohoo!)  (I mean, 'Oh.')"
Mr. Mackey,I think this will be very good for you
Stan,But we don't even care about the rainforest.
Mr. Mackey,And that's exactly why you need to go!
Cartman,"Please, Mr. Mackey, we'll be good. Don't send us to that ole kids' choir. Have mercy, Mr. Mackey."
Sheila,"Be safe, Kyle. Bring me something back from the rainforest."
Choir Teacher,"Oh, nonono. The rainforest is very fragile. We must take only pictures and leave only footprints."
Sheila,"Oh, I didn't realize."
Choir Boy,"Did you know that right now, bulldozers are tearing down thousands of acres of rainforest every day?"
Cartman,"Aw, man, this is gonna suck donkey balls."
Stan,"Please don't make me go on a choir tour, Mom, please!"
Sharon,"Stan, you should be excited. I would love to see the rainforest. Besides, your dad and I need some time alone."
Stan,Nooo-ho!
Choir Teacher,"Okay, children, that's all of us. We're ready to head for the Latin American nation of Costa Rica, a country filled with virgin rainforest."
Cartman,Whoopee.
Choir Teacher,And you must be Eric Cartman. I've heard about you. You don't respect nature or other cultures.
Cartman,"Yeah, pretty much."
Choir Teacher,"Well, I'm gonna change the way you think, kiddo."
Choir Girl,My name's Kelly.
Kenny,(My name's Kenny.)
Kelly,Lenny?
Kenny,"(No, it's Kenny.)"
Kelly,Johnny?
Kenny,(Kenny!)
Kelly,Oh.
Choir Girl,"Now, we've got a looong trip ahead of us, so let's take the opportunity to learn our choreography."
Cartman,The nightmare begins.
Choir Teacher,"Oh, look, children! I think we're entering San José, which is the capital of Costa Rica.  Oh! This is so exciting!"
Cartman,"Oh my God! Dude, look at how dirty and crappy everything is!"
Choir Teacher,"Eric, Costa Rica is a Third-World country. These people are much poorer than those in the U.S."
Cartman,"Well, why the hell don't they get jobs?!  Ey! Why don't you people quit slacking off, and get a job! What's wrong with you?! Go to college!"
Choir Teacher,"Eric, sit down!"
Cartman,"Look, you've gotta be firm with these people or they just slack off and be poor forever. Right, Kenny?  Hey, maybe that's it, Kenny. Maybe you're Costa Rican; that's why your family's so poor."
Kenny,(Argh! That's just so untrue.)
Kelly,Your family isn't poor?
Cartman,"Whoa, dude, look over there!  Wow! Costa Rican prostitutes! Hey, look at the prostitutes, you guys!"
Redheaded Prostitute,"What are chu looking at, man?"
Middle Prostitute,"Yeah, why don't chu take a peekture?"
Cartman,Okay.  Kugheek!
Choir Teacher,"Eric, SIT DOWN!"
Choir Teacher,"Kids, this is the Costa Rican Capitol building. This is where all the leaders of the Costa Rican government make their-"
Cartman,"Oh my God,  it smells like ass out here."
Choir Teacher,"All right, that does it!  Eric Cartman, you respect other cultures this instant!"
Cartman,"I wasn't saying anything about their culture, I was just saying their city smells like ass."
Kelly,"Wow, seeing a place like this really makes you appreciate living in America, huh?"
Kenny,(Uh-huh.)
Choir Teacher,"You may think that making fun of Third-World countries is funny, but let me-"
Cartman,"I don't think it's funny! This place is overcrowded, smelly, and poor! That's not funny, that sucks!"
Choir Teacher,"Eric, will you please, please, just keep your mouth shut while we present ourselves to the Costa Rican President?"
Cartman,Why?
Choir Teacher,Because I'll buy you some ice cream afterwards if you do.
Cartman,Eh-heheh!
Choir Teacher,"Well, it was a long trip, but the children are very excited to sing tomorrow."
El Presidente,¿Qué?
Choir Teacher,"Uh, we're, uh, we're the choir? That, that was sent from... the United States?"
El Presidente,¿Qué?
Choir Teacher,"We're the group singing for the ""Save The Rainforest"" summit tomorrow?  Oh dear, where's, where's Mr. Mackey? He should have been here by now.  Children, do any of you speak Spanish?  Don't you dare!"
Mr. Mackey,Sorry I'm late.
Choir Teacher,Ogh! Thank goodness you're here; I don't speak any Spanish.
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, no problem.  Usted es choir de Estados Unidos, mbien?"
El Presidente,¡O! ¡O! Save The Rainforest.
Choir Teacher,Yeess!
El Presidente,Pablo los llevará en un tur de la jungla.
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, he says Pablo here will take you on a rainforest tour."
Choir Teacher,"Oh boy! Mr. Presidente, round up your subjects outside. We have a special gift for you. The gift... uh-of song."
El Presidente,¿Qué?
Choir Teacher,"All right, children, Let's get in our rows quickly, so we can begin."
Kelly,"Did you remember all the choreography, Lenny?"
Kenny,"(Yeah, I think so.)"
Choir Teacher,"Hello, everybody. This is just a little rehearsal for tomorrow, so we may be a little rusty."
The Tape,"Tootin' tootin' to, tada choo choo wow!There's a place that is magical, and full of rain.But now it needs help, because it is in pain.Cleaning the earth is a mighty big choreWe're spreading awareness like never before!Getting Gay With Kids is here! To spread the word and bring you cheerLet's save the rainforest! What do you say?!Being an activist is totally gay!Someday if we work hard, boys and girls,There'll be nothing but rainforests covering the entire world!World!Getting Gay With Kids is here!To spread the word and bring you cheer. Yeah!Getting Gay With Kids is here!Let's save the rainforest! It's totally gay!It's totally gay!"
Choir Teacher,"Great job, gang! You were really all over the place, Kyle."
Kyle,Thanks!
Cartman,I told you Jewish people don't have rhythm!
Kyle,"Fuck off, Cartman!"
Stan,"No, dude! I think Cartman might actually be right."
Kyle,No! That's a stereotype.
Stan,Dude! Maybe you really don't have any rhythm.
Pablo,This is now secondary rainforest we are entering. Notice the canopy of foliage.
Choir Teacher,"Oh, it's everything I ever dreamed it would be!"
Kyle,"God-damn, it's hot out here!"
Stan,Aaah! Snake!
Kyle,"No, dude. That's a branch."
Stan,Oh.  Aaah! Snake!
Kyle,No. That's the same branch again.
Stan,Oh.
Pablo,"The rainforest is very delicate, and we must take steps to protect it."
Cartman,"Yeah yeah yeah, take steps to protect it, blah blah blah.  We here this a million times back up in the States."
Pablo,Here! Look! These are squirrel monkeys.  Endangered inhabitants of the rainforest.
Kelly,"Wow! Isn't he neat, Lenny?"
Cartman,Bad! Bad monkey!
Choir Teacher,"Eric, what the heck are you doing??"
Cartman,"I'm asserting myself. It's tough love. Just like my Mr. Kitty. When he's bad I say, ""Uh that a bad Mr. Kitty!"" and I smack him on the head!"
Pablo,And here is a three-toed sloth.
Cartman,It's bad! It's a bad three-toed sloth!
Choir Teacher,"Eric, for God's sake, knock it off!!"
Cartman,Respect my authoritah!
Choir Teacher,"Well, Mr. Pedro, this was a great tour, but I guess we should be getting back. We have a big concert tomorrow, Don't we, kids?!"
Kids,YEAH!
Choir Boy,I wish we could have seen the Yanogapa.
Kyle,What's the Yanogapa?
Choir Teacher,"The Yanogapa are gentle native people that live in the rainforest, but bulldozers are destroying their homes. Soon, they will have nowhere to go. So we must stop bulldozing the rainforest so that they can live-!"
Cartman,"Aagh Ghyod, here she goes again!!"
Stan,AAAAAAA!
Choir Teacher,"Stanley, what is it?"
Stan,SNAAAKE!
Pablo,"Oh, yes. Uh this is what we call a coral snake. Notice the red markings. Quite an amazing creature."
Stan,AAAAAAA!
Pablo,"What's the matter, little boy?"
Cartman,"He's a little wuss, what's it look like?"
Stan,I'm just a-scared of snakes.
Pablo,"Naw, naw. You must remember. This snake is more afraid of us than we are of it.  Oh!!  Agh."
Choir Teacher,Oh my God!!
Cartman,"Yeah, that snake is really scared of us all right!"
Choir Teacher,"Jesus Christ, is he dead?!"
Stan,Dude!
Kyle,My guess would be 'yes.'
Choir Teacher,"Oh, no! God, no, no!  Don't panic, children."
Cartman,Bad! That's a bad snay-ah!
Choir Teacher,"Maybe we came from that way.  No, nno. Let's try this way."
Kelly,Benny? Do you think we're gonna be okay?
Kenny,(Yeah. Everything is fine.)
Kelly,That's good. Can I tell you something?
Kenny,(Okay.)
Kelly,I think I like you.
Kenny,(Really?!)
Kelly,"Yeah. I mean, I think we communicate really well."
Kenny,"(Oh, that's great!)"
Kelly,"No, that's not good."
Kenny,(That's not good?)
Kelly,"No. See, if I start to like you too much,  I'm only going to get my heart broken. 'Cause we live on opposite ends of the country.  Once this choir tour is over, we'll never see each other again.  And that would devastate me.  So I can't have any feelings for you, I just can't, Lenny!"
Kenny,(Aaaargh!)
Choir Teacher,"Oh, children, the sun is setting. We have to find our way out of here quick!"
Choir Teacher,"Whoa-kay, okay, everything is just fine, kids. Now it is important that we all stick together. Is everybody still here?"
A Boy,I'm not.
Choir Teacher,Who's not?!
A Boy,Me.
Kelly,"Benny, will you hold my hand?  I don't want to get emotionally attached, though."
Stan,"Oh my God, dude!! I just saw Tony Danza!!"
Choir Teacher,"No, you didn't just see Tony Danza, Stanley."
El Presidente,"Bueno, bueno. Pongan el arcoiris al lado de las tortugas muertas. (Put the rainbow next to the picture of dying sea turtles.)"
Mr. Mackey,"Buenos dias, Señor Presidente, ¿mbien? (Hello, El Presidente)"
El Presidente,¿Qué tal? ¿Está todo bien? (Oh hello. Is everything going okay?)
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, muy bien. Señor Presidente, um... ¿Usted no ha visto el coro, no, mm-hm bien? (Oh fine, fine... You, uh, haven't seen the choir have you?)"
El Presidente,¡¿QUÉ?! (WHAT?!)
Mr. Mackey,"Parece que anoche no regresaron al hotel, hmbien. (Well, they never came back to the hotel last night...)"
El Presidente,"¡¿Está bromeando, Mackey?! ¡¡¡Más de cien mil personas atenderan este evento!!! ¡¿Y me dice usted que no tendré a mis chiquitos lindos para que les canten?! (You've got to be kidding!! I have over a hundred thousand people coming to this event!!! Are you telling me that I have no darling little kids to sing to them?!)"
Mr. Mackey,"Estoy seguro que-uh-mmm, que-aaah llegá- llegáran. No se preocupe. Eh, olvidelo, ¿yeah-mbien? (I am sure they'll get here. No problem, forget I said anything.)"
Kyle,"Dude, we're totally lost! We're gonna die out here!"
Kelly,We are?
Choir Teacher,"Don't worry, Kelly. We're gonna find our way out of the rainforest and make it back to the concert in time. We just need to respect our mother rainforest so that she will respect us."
Kyle,"Miss Stevens, you have a bug on your back."
Miss Stevens,"Oh, really? Could you brush it off?"
Kyle,"Um, no."
Miss Stevens,"Oh, boy oh!! Oh my God, get it off me!! For the love of God, get it off me!! Oh my God!!  Oh-okay, children. We must understand that the insects of the rainforest help the delicate balance of life here.  Oh my God!!"
Kyle,Rainforests suck! I wanna go home!
Kelly,"Me, too!"
Miss Stevens,"Shh. Children, okay, let's try to listen to what the rainforest tells us. And if we use our ears she can tell us so many things. Perhaps-"
Kyle,Aaaaa! There's a dude here!
Miss Stevens,"Oh, thank goodness! Hello, sir. We are lost.  Cah heh, can you help us?"
Soldier,¿Qué?
Cartman,"Let me try, let me try. We are from America. A-me-ri-ca.  We are lost and verry hungry. Necesito burri-tos."
Stan,"I don't wanna burrito, I want a taco. Supreme."
Cartman,Y taco.
Kyle,I want two tostadas and mild sauce.
Cartman,Two tostadas and mih-um enchilito.
Miss Stevens,"Boys, please. Not every Spanish person eats tacos and burritos. That's a stereotype.  Children, he wants us to follow him! Oooh, thank goodness! I think this ordeal is over!"
Stan,This doesn't look very safe.
Kyle,Yeah. I think we should get the hell out of here.
Miss Stevens,"Now kids, let's be a bit more ""open-minded."" I read all about this in Newsweek; this is a ""people's army."" They are fighting the fascist policies of their fascist government.  Oh, hello. Do you speak of English?"
People's Army Leader,Who are you?!
Miss Stevens,"Oh, wonderful! We were lost, and it is such a great coincidence we found you. You see, we're here to protest the government-sanctioned raping of your rainforest.  We are fighters, just like you. Could you help us get back to San José?  Um...  Oh, I know! Perhaps you would like a gift.. Well, we have o-honly-hee one gift to give. The gift... of song"
Kids,Honh.
Miss Stevens,"Kyle, for the love of God, do the right choreography.  Oh, Kyle, please!"
People's Army Leader,Enough!
Miss Stevens,"Well, we hope that our gift of song has warmed your hearts."
People's Army Leader,"We're not getting gay with any kids, okay?"
Miss Stevens,"Uh, yah, soooo, do you have a phone we could use?"
People's Army Leader,"Heehee yes, we have a phone. It's right over there next to the 12-person jacuzzi.  Now, get out of here before we kill you!"
Miss Stevens,Is it because of the little Jewish boy's choreography?
Kyle,Hey!
People's Army Leader,"You white Americans make me sick!  You waste food, oil, and everything else because you're so rich, and then you tell the rest of the world to save the rainforest because you like its pretty flowers."
People's Army Leader,"¡Rapido, rapido!"
Miss Stevens,"Run, children, run!"
El Presidente,¡¿Donde putos está el coro?! ¡El espectáculo comienza pronto! (Where the hell is our choir?! The show is supposed to start soon!)
Mr. Mackey,"No se preocupe, ¿mbien? El Presidente, estáran aqui. Este evento es muy importante para que la maestra del coro se lo pierda. ¿M-m-mbien? (Don't worry, El Presidente, they'll be here. This is too important for the choir teacher to miss.)"
Miss Stevens,Hello?? Anybody?? Help??
Choir Boy,"Wow, look at the pretty flower."
Miss Stevens,"Oh nonono, Jake. That fragile flower is very delicate, okay?"
Jake,"Aaaah. Ugh, help!"
Miss Stevens,Ga-ow!
Kelly,I wanna go home!  I hate the rainforest!
Kenny,"(Oh, there, there now. There's nothing to be afraid of, dear.)"
Kelly,"Oh Lenny, hold me.  No, I can't get attached.  Oh, but I do like you."
Kenny,"(Well, I like you-)"
Kelly,"Oh, but you're only going to leave me."
Kenny,"(Oh, God damn it!)"
Short Reporter,"We're here live in San José, Costa Rica, where hundreds of rich Americans have gathered for the Save the Rain Forest summit. Everyone is here so they can feel good about themselves, and act like they aren't the ones responsible for the rainforest's peril."
Slim Reporter,"That's right, Bob, and of course the main attraction today is the darling kids' choir, ""Getting Gay With Kids,"" all of whom must be backstage preparing at this very moment."
Miss Stevens,"Oh, there's just no end to this place! I think maybe we're going in circles. Oh, dear God! The summit starts in an hour; I'm gonna lose my job!  Aaaah!"
Cartman,This is bullcrap! I am not following this stupid hippie around anymore.
Miss Stevens,"Eric, where are you going?"
Cartman,I'm going this way!
Miss Stevens,"Young man, I am the adult here, and I say you go this way!"
Cartman,"Look: you can stay over nyah , but I'm going over nyah."
Miss Stevens,"Young man, I have had it!!"
Cartman,"Nononono! You nyah, me nyah!  Screw you guys, I'ma going home."
Miss Stevens,"Good! You deserve to die, you little bastard!  Eric, we have to stay together!"
Cartman,God-damned stupid hippie activist! I should be home nestled in the couch with my Mr. Kitty right now watching Fat Abbot cartoons and eat-  Yes! I knew it! I'm saved!
Stan,Hey. Maybe Cartman was right.
Kyle,Yeah. It happened once before.
Miss Stevens,No. The Spirit of Maya has told me to go this way.
Cartman,Mister! You've gotta help me! I'm starving to death!
Foreman,"What are you doing here, little boy?"
Cartman,"I was with my class, and we got all lost in the rainforest, and I need some food. I'm fading fast!"
Foreman,"Lost in the rainforest? Oh, my Lord! Where are all the others?"
Cartman,Food! I have to have food!
Foreman,"Oh my God! Get this child some food, quick!"
Cartman,Chicken wings.
Foreman,Chicken wings!
Cartman,Medium spicy.
Crowd,Start the show! Start the show! Start the show!
El Presidente,"La gente está ansiosa. Dentro de poco, se alborotan y empiezan a tirar chorchadas. (The activists are getting anxious. They will start throwing things soon.)"
Mr. Mackey,"Estoy seguro que llegáran. Eh-solo poquito mas de tiempo, ¿mbien? (I'm sure the choir will be here. We just need a little more time)"
El Presidente,"Bueno, voy a entretenerlos con mis chistes de Polacos.  (Well, I will try and amuse them with my Polish Jokes.)"
Mr. Mackey,Mbien.
El Presidente,¿A cuantos Polacos les toma a comerse un burrito?  Dos.  ¿A cuantos Polacos les toma a manejar a Panamá? (How many Pollacks does it take to eat a burrito? Two. How many Pollacks does it take to drive to Panama?)
Miss Stevens,"Oh God, this is a nightmare! We're never going to make the festival!"
Stan,"Hey, look over there. Isn't that smoke?"
Miss Stevens,"Let's go, quickly!"
Kyle,"Hey, it's a fire. That means there must be people."
Miss Stevens,"Children, it's the Yanogapa.  Do not be afraid. We are not here to tear down your rainforest."
Yanogapa 1,Damtilié?
Yanogapa 2,Damtilié?
Miss Stevens,"Look how they live in peace with all living things. Gentle, noble...  Run for your lives, children!"
Stan,Holy crap!
Yanogapa,Damtilié! Damtilié! Damtilié!
Stan,Jesus Christ!
Miss Stevens,Run run ruuun!  Waaah!
Kelly,Aaaaa! Lenny!
Kyle,What the hell?
Stan,We're sinking.
Miss Stevens,"It's quicksand, people!"
Stan,"All we ever heard growing up was, ""Save the rainforest. The rainforest is fragile""!"
Kyle,Yeah! Fragile my ass!
Kelly,"Larry, if we make it out of this, I want to be your girlfriend. Even if we do live in different places, I don't care!"
Kenny,"(Kelly, you said it!)"
Miss Stevens,"Okay. Just what the heck is going on here, people?  AAAAA!!"
Kelly,"Oh no, that big thing is going to make love to Miss Stevens!"
Miss Stevens,"All right, that does it!!  Goddamn stupid-ass rainforest!! This place fucking sucks!!  I was wrong!! Fuck the rainforest!! I fucking hate it, I fucking hate it!!"
Stan,"Oh, now she figures it out."
Formena,Quick! Everybody help the children!
Stan,Wow!
Kyle,Dude! Bulldozers rule!
Foreman,Come on! Let's get you back to civilization!
Kids,HOORAY!!
Miss Stevens,"Hooray, children!"
Miss Stevens,How did you know where we were?
Foreman,Your little friend helped me out.
Miss Stevens,Eric?
Cartman,Who'd you expect? Merv Griffin?
Miss Stevens,"What exactly are you guys doing out here, with all this ...construction equipment?"
Foreman,We're clearing out big sections of the rainforest for a lumberyard.
Miss Stevens,Really?  That's great!!
Foreman,"You mean, you don't mind?"
Miss Stevens,"Nooo, I hate the rainforest! You go right ahead and plow down this whole fucking thing!"
Foreman,That's swell!
Kelly,"Okay, Benny. So in order for our long-distance relationship to work, we'll have to call each other every other day."
Kenny,(Okay. I can do that.)  (Christ!)
Kelly,Aaaah! Lenny! No!
Stan,"Oh my God, they killed Kenny."
Kyle,You bastards!
Kelly,Whah?? Who?! Who killed him?!
Stan,They did.
Kelly,"Who's ""they""?!"
Stan,"You know, ""they."""
Kyle,They're... they're bastards.
Kelly,"Well don't just stand there, help him!!"
Kyle,What?
Stan,Help ...him?
Kelly,"Aaagh!  Come on, Benny! Breathe!  Breathe, you son of a bitch!"
Kyle,"Whoa, dude!"
Summit Host,"And now, here to teach us about the rainforest is Getting Gay With Kids."
Miss Stevens,Does everybody remember the new lyrics?  And...
The New Lyrics,"Tootin' tootin' to, tada choo choo wow!There's a place called the rainforest; it truly sucks ass.Let's knock it all down and get rid of it fast.You say, ""Save the rainforest,"" but what do you know?You've never been to the rainforest before.Getting Gay With Kids is here! To tell you things you might not like to hear. You only fight these causes 'cause caring sells.All you activists can go fuck yourselves!"
Male Activist,That was so inspiring.
Female Activist,What a wonderful message.
"The New Lyrics, part II","Someday if we work hard, boys and girls,Each year, the Rainforest is responsible for over three thousand deaths from accidents, attacks or illnesses.There'll be no more rainforests left in the entire world!There are over seven hundred things in the Rainforest that cause cancer.World!Join the fight now and help stop the Rainforest before it's too late.Getting Gay With Kids is here!To spread the word and bring you cheer. Yeah!Getting Gay With Kids is here!Let's knock down the rainforest! What do you say?!It's totally gay! It's totally gay!"
Stan,"Is this what you're looking for, Kyle?"
Kyle,"No, I don't think so."
Kenny,(How about this?)
Kyle,"No, that's a hair dryer!"
Manager,May I help you find something?
Kyle,"Yeah. Do you have any ""nurections""?"
Manager,Any what?
Kyle,I need to get a nurection for my dad.
Manager,"Very funny, boys. Go on, beat it."
Stan,Why is that funny?
Kyle,"Dude, my mom and dad keep fighting all the time. And both of them say it's because my dad doesn't have a nurection. So I want to get him one.  Damn it! What the hell is wrong with everybody?"
Stan,That's the fifth store we've been kicked out of. Why is it so hard to get a nurection?
Kenny,"(You guys, take it seriously.)"
Kyle,I just want a nurection so I can give it to my mom.
Man,What?
Kenny,"(Well, see you guys. I gotta go take the bus out of town.)"
Cartman,"Oh, where are you gonna go, Kenny? You gonna see your little girlfriend again?"
Kenny,"(Yeah, you guys. Seriously.)"
Cartman,"Dude, you spend way too much time with that girl. If you don't-"
Kenny,(Ach)
Stan,"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!"
Kyle,You bastards!
Cartman,What the hell happened to him?
Stan,He just... ignited.
Man,What happened?
Woman,I saw it from across the street. He just caught on fire.
Officer Barbrady,"Okay people, stand back. Give the little burnt boy some breathing room."
Blond Man,I've heard about this. This is... spontaneous combustion. But it usually only happens to fat people near open flames.
Man 2,Is it contagious?
Woman,Am I going to spontaneously combust?
Man 3,I hope it doesn't happen to me.
Woman,This is very scary.
Mayor McDaniels,The people are panicking about spontaneous combustion. That's why I've assembled this crack team of scientists to find out the cause of the phenomenon. You are the best scientific mind South Park has to offer.
Randy,"...Uuuh. Mayor, I'm a geologist."
Mayor McDaniels,Right.
Randy,"Well, uh I don't study human biology, I study the earth."
Mayor McDaniels,"Look, you're the only scientist that lives in this town. You have to find an answer before more people combust. You do that, and you'll be the most beloved man in South Park."
Crowd,Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
Man,"We love you, Randy."
Woman,"Make love to me, Randy. Please!"
Randy,Wow.
Mayor McDaniels,"Marsh, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you! Find the cause of spontaneous combustion, or else!"
Randy,Or else what?
Mayor McDaniels,Exactly!
Stan,"Dude, he looks so peaceful without his little orange coat on."
Kyle,Yeah.
Priest Maxi,"The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Sometimes the giveth seems a little disproportionate to the taketh. There seems to be a lot more takething going on, but there it is. Perhaps if more of you attended church on Sundays , the Lord would not have felt it necessary to punish us by takething this little boy..."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, here comes the guilt trip again."
Priest Maxi,"Now, let us pray.  Lord, though we have lost Neil Smith to free agency and Steve Atwater to the Jets, still, we hope our beloved Broncos can bring home another Super Bowl championship, and once again bathe in the glory of your light. Amen."
All,Amen.
Priest Maxi,Let's go
All,Let's go
Priest Maxi,Broncos
All,Broncos
Priest Maxi,Let's go Broncos
All,"Broncos, let's go!"
Stan,"Wow, that was short."
Priest Maxi,"Boys, I haven't seen you in church lately."
Kyle,"Well, I'm Jewish."
Priest Maxi,"You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus, are you?"
Kyle,I guess not.
Priest Maxi,"Good. Boys, how would you like to perform the Stations of the Cross this Friday night?"
Stan,The what?
Priest Maxi,"It's like a skit, where you reenact the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ."
Kyle,"Hey, resurrection! That's what my dad needs!"
Priest Maxi,Huh?
Kyle,We'll do it! We'll do it!
Priest Maxi,"Wonderful. Here's a book on how to perform it. Don't let me down, boys."
Kyle,"Dude, this is great! You know all the Stations of the Cross, right, Stan?"
Stan,"I don't know, dude. I'm gonna have to go look in the Bible."
Tom,"Good night, Jerry."
Jerry,"See ya, Tom. Bye, Helen."
Helen,"Bye, Jer- aaa!"
Jerry,"Oh my God, another one."
Tom,"Helen, no!"
Jerry,What happened?
Man 5,"God must be very angry with us. But why?  How have we angered you, Lord?"
Randy,"Well, let's see. If they combust... no. Could be from the... no."
Stan,"Dad, where's our Bible?"
Randy,"Not now, Stan. I have to find out what causes spontaneous combustion. Or else."
Stan,Or else what?
Randy,Exactly.
Stan,...What?
Randy,Right.
Stan,Where's our Bible?
Randy,"It's in the attic with the old LP's.  Boys, did you notice anything uuuh strange about Kenny in the weeks leading up to his combustion? Ooh, what did he spend his time doing?"
Kyle,He didn't do anything. He was always with his new girlfriend.
Randy,New girlfriend?
Stan,"Yeah, he started seeing this girl and he spent a lot of time taking the bus to go visit her. What does that have to do with his death?"
Randy,Maybe nothing...  maybe everything.
Stan,"...Well, we're gonna go work on getting Kyle's dad a nurection."
Randy,"Yes, yes, of course. I've got work to do.  What?!"
Stan,"Let's see: Jesus got crucified, then he died, then three days later he had his urection. Let's see, there's fourteen Stations of the Cross. Now, it says we can makes costumes out of sheets."
Kyle,This is gonna be fun.
Cartman,I'm gonna be Jesus!
Kyle,You're too fat to be Jesus!
Cartman,"Oh, and like you're gonna do it, Jew?!"
Kyle,Stan should be Jesus.
Cartman,"Either I'm Jesus, or else, screw you guys, I'm going home!"
Kyle,You're such a fat baby!
Cartman,"Well, I guess you guys can do the Stations of the Cross by yourselves."
Kyle,"All right, all right, you could be Jesus, you tubby cry-baby!"
Cartman,"Stick and stones may break my bones, but I'm Jesus and you aren't."
Randy,"All right, all right, let's try it again. Kenny was standing here. Stan, Kyle and Cartman were walking around him.  Now, walk.  Do you feel hot?"
Randy,Damn it! How come you're not combusting?
Townsman,Another one! Another one combusted!
Randy,No! Has she been doing anything odd?
Townsman,"No, she was just on her way to her new boyfriend's house."
Randy,Boyfriend. And they said Kenny had a new girlfriend.
Randy,No! I think I might have it.
Priest Maxi,"Well, well, well. A lot of you came to church. Looks like we're a little ""nervous"" about this spontaneous combustion thing, huh?"
A few people,Yeah.
Priest Maxi,"Well, on this blessed Friday let us give thanks for stuff, and things.  Lord, is it so much to ask that you not let us suddenly burst into flame for no apparent reason? I mean, come on! Amen.  And now, some of our darling local children are going to perform the Stations of the Cross."
Crowd,Awww.
Stan,Station One: Jesus is condemned to death by Pilate.
Kyle,Die!
Cartman,"Ow! You can do what you will, but I am the Lamb of God."
Crowd,Awww.
Someone,Phew.
Stan,Station Two: Jesus takes his cross.
Cartman,"This cross is seriously heavy. Oh man, this is totally weak."
Stan,"And then Jesus' disciple, Peter, denies he knows him."
Cartman,Peter!
Kyle,"I don't know you, dude."
Cartman,"Oh, Peter. Weak, Peter. Lame. But I'm Jesus, so I'll forgive you, I guess."
Mayor McDaniels,Mayor.
Randy,"Mayor, I have it. I found out why people spontaneously combust."
Mayor McDaniels,Why?
Randy,"Uh, it's too complicated to explain over the phone. Girlfriend ==&gt; DEADBoyfriend ==&gt; DEAD Call a town meeting tomorrow."
Mayor McDaniels,"Okay. If you're right about this, Marsh, you're going to be the most popular man in South Park."
Crowd,Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
Man,"We love you, Randy."
Woman,"Make love to me, Randy. Please!"
Randy,Wow.
Mayor McDaniels,Shmuck!
Stan,Station Eleven: Jesus is nailed to the cross.
Cartman,Oh! This has gone from weak to superweak! Things cannot get any more weak for me.
Stan,"Then a crown of thorns was placed on Jesus's head, and Jesus was all like, ""Thanks."""
Cartman,"Well, this sucks that I have to die, but if I die, everyone's sins will be forgiven.  So I guess it's cool."
Stan,"And then Jesus was lead away  to Mount Sinai, where he dies, and has a resurrurection three days later."
Cartman,"Hi, mom."
Priest Maxi,"Thank you, boys. Blessed be the name of Jesus!"
Crowd,"It's a great name, isn't it?"
Kyle,"Hey, that went really well. They really liked it."
Cartman,"Yeah. I told you I'd be a sweet Jesus, you guys."
Kyle,"Aw man, at least the real Jesus didn't weigh 400 pounds!"
Cartman,Up your ass with broken glass!
Stan,This spot looks good.
Kyle,Yeah. That looks pretty good.
Stan,"Okay, cool. See you, Cartman."
Cartman,"Hey, wait! Where the hell are you going?!"
Stan,"Huh I don't know. I'm going home, I guess."
Kyle,"Yeah, me too."
Cartman,"Well, get me down from here!"
Kyle,"Cartman, how stupid are you?! Didn't you read the Bible? We have to leave you up there until you die, and then you come back to life in three days."
Cartman,What?!
Stan,"Yeah, dummy, you have to get a nurection."
Kyle,Then I can give it to my dad.
Cartman,"Hey, uh I don't wanna be Jesus anymore! Don't leave me here, you guys! ...All right, that does it! Screw you guys, I'm going home!  Okay, I'm getting pissed now!  God!"
Mayor McDaniels,"All right, people. Scientist Marsh and I have been working very hard on the problem of spontaneous combustion, and we have finally come up with a solution. Mr. Marsh?"
Randy,"The little boy combusted because he had a new girlfriend. It wasn't the girl that caused him to combust, it was the fact that Kenny did not want to pass gas in front of her.  You see, as food is digested the natural processes give off a byproduct known as methane gas.  The methane gathers here in the bowel area , where it causes pressure. Normally a person would expel this byproduct in the form of a pleasant fart.  Should the gas not be expelled,  the methane can build up and then ignite,  leading to... disaster.  Kenny combusted because he held his farts in for too long."
Townsman,"You mean, all we have to do is fart and we won't explode?"
Randy,Exactly.
Mayor McDaniels,"So, from this day forward, everyone in South Park will be required to fart on a regular basis to insure that nobody else spontaneously explodes."
Crowd,Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
Man,"We love you, Randy."
Old Woman,"Make love to me, Randy. Please!"
Stan,"Whoa, dude, my dad's famous."
Kyle,"Come on. Let's go see how Cartman is doing with his uh, urection."
Stan,"Wow, he died."
Kyle,"Now we just gotta wait for his urection, and I can give it to my dad."
Cartman,"Hey, there you guys are!"
Stan,Cartman??
Cartman,You guys are in big trouble! Now get me down from here!
Kyle,"How come you're not dead yet, Cartman?!"
Cartman,"You guys, I mean, seriously! Get me down!"
Stan,"Look, fatass: after you die and get resurrurected, you'll have all kinds of superpowers, just like Jesus."
Cartman,...Really?
Kyle,"Yeah. So hurry up and die, you piece of crap!"
Cartman,"...When I get all my superpowers, I'm gonna use them to smote you two assholes right off the planet!  Dude, superpowers are sweet."
Mr. Mackey,"Hi, boys."
"Stan, Kyle","Hi, Mr. Mackey."
Mr. Mackey,Have you guys been sure to pass gas regularly so you don't spontaneously combust?
Kyle,"We know how to fart, Mr. Mackey!"
Mr. Mackey,"Well, let me show you, just to be sure, m'kay?  Hmm, come on. Be good, now."
Kyle,Jesus Christ!
Stan,"(Sick, dude!)"
Mr. Mackey,I had a steak wrapped with bacon last night.
Kyle,"(Dude, I think you pooed a lot.)"
Mr. Mackey,"So, you boys understand you have to do that regularly, oh-mkay?"
Stan,"(Okay, okay, just go away!)"
Kyle,"God, that was not cool at all, dude!"
Liane,"Oh, hello boys. Have you seen Eric around anywhere?"
Stan,Uh. We've been taking care of him.
Kyle,Yeah. We're having him resurrurected.
Liane,"Oh, all right. I was just at the store buying some apples."
Stan,Apples?
Liane,"Yes. Apples.  Ahapples, get it?"
Stan,(Dude!)
Kyle,(Sick!)
Liane,"Stinky apples. See you, boys."
Stan,(I don't think I like this new law.)
Liane,Squeaker!
Mayor McDaniels,"And so I declare today Randy Marsh Day, where we shall remember forever how he freed us all from the threat of spontaneous combustion. Gentlemen?"
Bearded Man,"You're the best, Randy!"
Randy,"I am? I am, huh? I never knew the depth of my scientific genius until now."
Kyle,It's too bad Cartman can't be here to enjoy this.
Stan,Yeah.
Cartman,"You guys, seriously! somebody get me down from here!"
Officer Barbrady,Nur nunur nunur nunur nunur nunur-
Cartman,Officer Barbrady!
Officer Barbrady,T. T is for turtle.  Nur nunur nunur nunur nunur nunur...
Cartman,"Ey! Help me, you son of a bitch!  Huh, I'm gonna die up here."
Announcer,"We now return to the 42nd Annual Nobel Prize Awards. Here again your host, Whoopi Goldberg."
Whoopi,"Republicans are so stupid.  I hate Republicans.  Republicans are so stupid.  And now, here to present the Nobel Prize for Science is Nick Nolte"
Nick Nolte,"Science is good. Science is very important. This year's nominees are: Herald R. Pinkerton, for his further development of the grand unified theory of physics.Randy Marsh, for his formulated break-wind theory of spontaneous combustion.And Alphonse Mephesto for his seven-assed Galapagos turtle.And the Nobel Prize goes to:  Randy Marsh, for the theory of spontaneous fart things."
Mephesto,"No! No, this can't be!"
Randy,"Whoa hoho, whoa!  Oh wow, oh, ah, I'm the best! Yeah! Yeah! Ah, it's just so amazing to be told that you're the best. I, I thought I was just a normal person like all of you, but... Yeah! Well, thank you for showing me otherwise! Yeah! I kick ass, yeah!"
Mephesto,"Fixed! Fixed! That was supposed to be my award, Kevin. I'll get him for this. Mark my words."
Stan,"Wow, my dad's the best! All other dads suck compared to my dad!"
Kyle,"Hey! My dad's pretty cool, too."
Gerald,"I'm sorry, honey."
Sheila,"It's okay,  I'll just call some 20-year old and have him come over."
Gerald,What?!
Sheila,I'm just kidding.
Gerald,"Kidding? Well, that's not funny! That hurt my feelings!"
Sheila,Why?
Gerald,Why?!
Sheila,Kyle.
Kyle,"Don't worry, guys. I'm getting a nurection as we speak."
Gerald,Huh?
Kyle,"Well, actually, Cartman's getting a nurection. But then, we're gonna give it you. Sooo, buck up!"
Sheila,"We have a very strange little boy, Gerald."
Stan,"Dude, he's still not dead."
Cartman,"You guys, my mom is totally worried about me. You'd better let me down."
Kyle,She's not worried about you.
Cartman,"Yes she is! I've been hearing her all day! Listen! Listen.  Eric? Eric, where are you? I miss you very much."
Stan,That's not your mom calling!
Cartman,"Yes it is, you guys. I'm serious now. This is Eric's mom and I want him home right now."
Kyle,How stupid do you think we are?! Now you die on that cross and get resurrurected before I kick your ass!
Cartman,"You guys, it's too hot out here! I can't do this!"
Stan,He is right. It has been getting really hot lately.
Kyle,"Yeah, I noticed that too. Let's go get some ice-cold lemonade."
Stan,"Hey, yeah!"
Cartman,"Oh! God-damnit! Urh! You guys! You guys wanna hear my ""I hate Stand and Kyle"" song?! Ahem.I hate Stan and KyleI seriously hate Stan and Kyle..."
Mayor McDaniels,"My God, it's burning up in here! Can't we crank the AC up some more?"
Aide 2,It's already on full.
Randy,"You wanted to see me, Mayor?"
Mayor McDaniels,"Yes, Marsh. We have a new problem, and I think only you can solve it."
Randy,I suspect you're talking about the dramatic heat wave.
Mayor McDaniels,Yes. The temperature is steadily rising every day. I want you to find out why.
Randy,"Mayor, I think I'm a little overqualified for this. My scientific mind is best used on global problems."
Mayor McDaniels,"All right, all right. Name your price."
Randy,Ten thousand. I have to protect my talent.
Mayor McDaniels,Done. Just find out what's happening.
Randy,"Don't worry, Mayor. I'll find the cause. Or else. Or else what? Exactly."
Cartman,Hey you guys. Seriously.
Chef,"What the-?  Oh, what now?!"
Cartman,Chef! Chef!
Chef,"Children, what the hell are you doin'?"
Cartman,"Just get me down from here!  Oh, finally! My arms are killing me!"
Chef,You children shouldn't be crucifying yourselves in this heat.
Cartman,"Sweet. Now, I'm gonna go kill those guys!"
Chef,"Eric, I have to tell you something, and it's really gonna bum you out."
Cartman,What?
Chef,It's really gonna piss you off.
Cartman,What?!
Chef,This is just a dream. You're still up on that cross.
Cartman,"Oh, damnit!"
Stan,"Dad, where's the phone book?"
Randy,"Not now, Stanley. Without my scientific genius, the town is doomed.  Let's see now, when exactly did the temperature start to go up?"
Jesus,"Our topic tonight is the rising temperatures in South Park. Let's go to the phones.  Caller, you're on the air."
Stan,"Yeah, um, Jesus, after you got crucified, how long did it take you to die and resurrect?"
Randy,Stan?
Jesus,That's not the topic tonight. The topic is global warming.
Stan,Oh.
Jesus,Do you have an opinion on global warming?
Stan,"Uh, it... sucks ass."
Jesus,"Okay! Thank you caller. Well, let's go to our first guest, Dr. Alphonse Mephesto.  Thank you for coming. You claim to know the cause of global warming in South Park."
Mephesto,I most certainly do! The cause of global warming is  Randy Marsh!  It was Marsh's theory on spontaneous combustion that told everyone to fart all they want. Now all the methane from all those farts has ripped a hole in our ozone layer. We are all doomed to die!
Randy,Awww crap.
Townsman,Go get him!
Townsman 1,We want answers!
Townsman 2,You've killed us all!
Townsman 3,Someone's got to pay!
Woman,It's out of control.
Mayor McDaniels,"Boy, they're really pissed."
Randy,"Well, they're right. We should have known that all that methane could adversely affect the atmosphere."
Mayor McDaniels,"Well, let's go talk to them. Stick by me."
Randy,Hey!
Townsman 4,You killed us all!
Townsman 5,Shove that Nobel prize up your ass!
Stan,"Oh my God, what's going on?"
Townsman 6,"Now we either hold in our farts and spontaneously combust, o-o-or we let our farts out and kill our entire planet. Well I, for one, am not farting anymore!"
Randy,"Uuuh, I- I'll try to find a solution."
Townsman 7,"We don't want your solutions, phony!"
Townsman 8,Give me that!  Yeah!
Townsman 9,Damn you Marsh! Get out of town!
Townsman 10,You fraud!
Randy,"Mr. Garrison, help me!"
Mr. Garrison,"I, I do not know you, sir."
Townsman 11,Up your-
Townsman 12,Arrn!
Kyle,"Yeah, take that!"
Stan,"Dude, that's my dad!"
Kyle,"...Oh, yeah. Sorry."
Anchor,"The spontaneous combustion problem escalates as more and more people go back to holding in all their farts.  Meanwhile, the ozone layer continues to deplete as others refuse to hold in their farts for fear of combustion. As we all know, the cause for all of this is Randy Marsh, the son of a bitch who calls himself a scientist. We caught up with Mr. Marsh earlier today and he had this to say:"
Randy,I-I don't know what to say.
Anchor,"What an asshole! I hate that guy, and so do you. And now, on to the weather. It's fucking hot, thanks to Randy Marsh, son of a bitch!"
Kyle,"Dude, those people are pissed!"
Stan,"I know, huh?"
Kyle,Where's your dad?
Stan,He's hiding down in the basement. I I don't know what to do.
Kyle,"Well, you have to help him, just like I have to help my dad."
Radio Talk Show Host,"Still more up next from the heat wave caused by Randy Marsh. A giant glacier is melting above South Park and the entire town is doomed. And now, these messages."
Bob Dole,"Having a hard time with male potency?  Well, I don't, and I'm Bob Dole. What's wrong with you? Christ, I'm Bob Dole and I can get it up."
Blonde,Are you a lawyer?
Gerald,Yes.
Blonde,We want to sue Randy Marsh.
Gerald,Why?
Blonde,He gave us skin cancer.
Brunette,"Yeah. He put the hole in the ozone, and now we have skin cancer all over our hot bodies. Look."
Stan,"What are you doing, dad?"
Randy,"Stanley, I think its best you live with Kyle from now on. His dad is better than me."
Stan,"No, he's not! He can't even get a nurection!"
Randy,Hm. Really?
Stan,"Dad, you've got to work! People are dying, dad. You've got to come up with a solution!"
Randy,"Not me. I'm not a scientist, I'm a hack. Even if I found a solution, those people would still all hate me."
Stan,"Well, that doesn't matter! I learned something from the Stations of the Cross."
Randy,What?
Stan,"See, at first, Jesus was all like, ""Why me?"" And he was all pissed off and stuff. But then he saw that what mattered most was everybody else. So he stopped thinking about his own misery, and did what had to be done. Right as Jesus was dying,  he raised his hand and said, ""The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."""
Randy,"You're right, Stanley. You're absolutely right.  Hey, that Bible sounds like kind of a good book."
Stan,It ain't bad. You should try reading it sometime.
Kyle,"Dude, that was Star Trek again."
Stan,Huh?
Kyle,"""The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few?"" That was Wrath of Khan."
Stan,"Uh, well, Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?"
Randy,"All right. Now, let's get to work."
"You And Me, Girl","I've been telling everybody that you're my girl Cause I'm not one to be shy You don't have to go with me if you don't want to, just Tell everybody I'm your guy You and me, girl, it's foreverSha la la la la laaaI've been telling everybody that you're my girl,Cause I'm not one to be shy I've been telling everybody that you're my girl,Cause I'm not one to be shy You don't have to go with me if you don't want to, justTell everybody I'm your guy You and me, girl, it's foreverSha la la la la laaaYou and me, girl, forever and everYou and me, girl, forever and everYou and me, girl, forever and ever..."
Stan,Dad. Dad!
Randy,Wow!
Stan,"Dad, what are you doin?! You have to get started!"
Randy,"...Right, right right."
Gerald,"Kyle, where's your mother?"
Kyle,She's upstairs.
Gerald,"Well, I have something to give to her!  Don't worry, Kyle. Everything's gonna be okay between me and your mom."
Kyle,Really? Great! I don't have to worry about that anymore.
Cartman,Hello-o.
Townsman 13,Look! There he is!
Townsman 14,Get him!
Randy,"Uh. Please, everyone-"
Townsman 15,"You're a dead man, Marsh!"
Randy,"Please, just listen to me. I think I found the answer."
Townsman 16,Could I borrow one of your rocks?
Randy,"It's all about moderation. If you never fart, you combust, but if you always fart, you deplete the ozone. So we must fart only at appropriate times or when it's really, really funny."
Townsman 17,Huh?
Randy,"I know you all hate me, but please, for your own sake, fart in moderation. You can keep stoning me now, if you want.  Ow."
Mayor McDaniels,And so we salute Randy Marsh and his unified theory of moderation that has saved us all.
Stan,See? My dad is the coolest after all.
Kyle,"Well, my dad is, too."
Stan,Cartman!
Kyle,I forgot all about him.
Stan,"He's been up there for like, three weeks."
Kyle,Wow!
Stan,That's amazing!
Cartman,"Hey you guys, I am really pissed off now."
Kyle,"Dude! You're still alive, Cartman?"
Cartman,Get me down from here!
Stan,"Dude, you survived all this time on the fat stored up in your body?"
Cartman,"Yes. And when I get down from here, I'm gonna kick you both right in the nuts."
Cartman,"Mom, please can we just leave?"
Liane,"You have to see the eye doctor, Eric."
Cartman,But I hate the eye doctor. He always makes fun of me for being fat.
Liane,"You're not fat, you're big-boned."
Cartman,"That's what I told him, but he doesn't listen to reason."
Doctor's assistant,Eric Cartman.
Cartman,Weak.
Optometrist,"Hello, Eric."
Cartman,"Hi, Doctor Lout."
Dr. Lott,How's my little piggy today?
Cartman,Ey! Don't call me a little piggy!
Dr. Lott,I just say that because you're my little buddy.
Cartman,"I'm just here for an eye exam, all right?! Keep the fat jokes to yourself!"
Dr. Lott,Hop up on the chair.  Don't break it now!
Cartman,God damn it!
Dr. Lott,Just kidding. Let's see how your eyes are doing.  All you have to do is read the letters. Can you see the letters?
Cartman,Yes.
Dr. Lott,"All right, read them out for me."
Cartman,I am a little piggy. Ey!  That does it! Mom!
Dr. Lott,"No no. That, that was just a weird coincidence.  I do not know how that happened.  ""I am a little piggy."" Wow! What are the odds of that?  All right, let's get down to business, shall we?"
Cartman,Oh gee! That's a good idea! My mom isn't paying you to be a comedian!
Dr. Lott,"Hmm, let's see, which is better: one, or two? One, or two?"
Cartman,They look exactly the same.
Dr. Lott,Just pick one. Or two.
Cartman,"I don't know, two!"
Dr. Lott,"Okay. One, or two? One, or two?"
Cartman,"Uh, one."
Dr. Lott,"One, or two? One, or two?"
Cartman,Two.
Dr. Lott,"No! The answer is one, piggy! One!"
Cartman,Ow! I hate you!
Dr. Lott,"Yes, there is obviously a problem with your eyes. I am gonna have to dilate them and run some tests."
Kyle,I wonder how come Cartman's not in school today?
Stan,"Yeah. Usually when he ditches school, he still shows up for lunch."
Kenny,{Maybe he took a dump and got sick.}
Kyle,"Yeah.  Oh, here he comes."
Cartman,Hey dudes.
Stan,"Whoa, what happened to your eyes, Cartman?"
Cartman,My asshole eye doctor made them all dilevated.
Kyle,Why?
Cartman,"Why? I'll tell you why! Because he's a God-damned asshole, aaand, that's about it!"
Stan,Why do you have to see an eye doctor?
Cartman,"Because my eyes suck. But that doctor likes to torture me and I have to go back tomorrow, and I don't know what I'm gonna do."
Kyle,"Dude, just ask Chef for help. He always knows what to do."
Cartman,"Hey, yeah!  Ow!"
The Boys,Hey Chef!
White Chef,"Hello there, children."
Cartman,"Dude, my eyes are seriously screwed up. Chef looks like a skinny little white guy."
White Chef,It's time for lunch-e-roo
Stan,Where's Chef?
White Chef,Chef quit.
The Boys,What?!
White Chef,"Chef is gone. So let my introduce myself. I'm your new cook, Mr. Derp."
Kyle,Mr. Derp?
Mr. Derp,"When I'm in the kitchen, you never know what nutty things are gonna happen. If you like Chef, you're gonna love Mr. Derp.  Ooo! Derp!  Derp! O-hoh wasn't that silly kids?"
Stan,Why did Chef quit?
Mr. Derp,"Aren't I a great character? My antics go right to the funny bone.  Oh, I don't feel so good.  Derp!"
Stan,Could you just hand us some food please?
Mr. Derp,"Sure gang! I have yellow stuff or white stuff, huh. Derp!"
Cartman,Can I have the yellow with a side of white?
Kyle,Dude! I hate Mr. Derp!
Stan,"Yeah, we gotta talk to Chef after school and get him to come back."
Cartman,"I don't know, you guys. That hammer thing was pretty funny."
Kyle,"Shut up, Cartman!"
Cartman,Ow!
Chef,"Oh! Hello there, children!"
Stan,"Chef, what the hell are you doing? We almost starved to death at lunch today."
Chef,Oh! Didn't they tell you? I quit.
Kyle,"Yeah, but we didn't believe them."
Chef,"Well, it's true."
Stan,But why? Why would you quit?
Chef,"Children, three nights ago I was at the library checking out some books on Kama Sutra when I met the most amazing woman ever. She knew so much about so many things. She really got me thinking. We eventually came back to my place and really hit it off."
Stan,So you made sweet love to her down by the fire.
Chef,"No no, we just sat there all night long and... taaalked."
Stan,Talked?!
Chef,"Yeah. She told me all about the powers of goddess, and how men have been oppressing women for years  and viewing them as sexual objects, and I realized that I had done that myself."
Woman,Oh! What darling little children.
Chef,"Here she is now. Children, meet my new girlfriend, Veronica."
Stan,"That's nice. Look Chef, Cartman's got this eye doctor, see, and he- Girlfriend?!"
Chef,"Children, Veronica is moving in with me."
Kyle,Moving in?!
Chef,I'm in love.
Boys,Love?!
Veronica,"Oh, you knight."
Stan,What the hell is going on?!
Chef,Veronica spent the whole day sharing her favorite poems with me.
Veronica,"Sorry boys, looks like I'm stealing Chef away from you."
Kyle,"But Chef always helps us with our problems. When we have a problem, Chef sings to us and makes it better."
Chef,"Well, I can still do that, children. In fact, Veronica can help me. She's a great singer, too."
Veronica,What's the problem?
Cartman,"My eyes are going bad, but the only eye doctor in South Park is really, really mean."
Veronica,"Oh, I know just the song for you.There's got to be a morning afterif we can hold on to the night"
Chef,We have a chance to find the sunshine.
"Chef, Veronica",Let's keep on looking for the light.
Kyle,This... is insane.
Kyle,That bitch!
Stan,She's stealing Chef from us.
Kyle,He didn't even seem like Chef. He seemed like a empty shell of a man.
Cartman,Maybe it's just a phase. We just have to get him alone so we can tell him what a bitch she is.
Stan,"Wait you guys.  Maybe, is it possible that we're just jealous because Chef is our friend, and now he's paying attention to somebody new?"
Kyle,"Yeah, so?"
Stan,"...Yeah, screw that bitch."
Cartman,"Bitch, I hate that bitch!"
Kyle,"Look, we've just gotta get Chef alone. He won't listen to reason with that hooker around."
Stan,Let's find out where he's working and go see him there tomorrow.
Kyle,Good idea.
Dr. Lott,"All right, we got the test results back, piggy-"
Cartman,Stop calling me piggy!
Dr. Lott,You've got a small astigmatism that's causing all the problems.
Cartman,"So, what does that mean?"
Dr. Lott,"It means, piggy, that your eyesight is never going to get better."
Cartman,"All right. Right now, I'm gonna be totally serious, dude. Okay? If you call me piggy one more time, I'm gonna leap out of this chair  and rip your god-damned nuts off with my bare hands!"
Dr. Lott,"Well, don't worry. I've got something that's going to make your eyes as good as new."
Cartman,"Oh, dude! Super weak! I'm not wearing these; the guys would totally rip on me."
Dr. Lott,"I know, the hardest thing to do is get kids to wear their glasses."
Cartman,I'm just gonna take them off as soon as I leave!
Dr. Lott,That's why we have the little stapler.
Cartman,Ow! Son of a bitch!
Kyle,They said that Chef works in one of these buildings
Cartman,Hey dudes.  Ha ha ha ha! Look at Cartman and his stupid glasses! Ha ha ha ha!
Kyle,Dude! Just take them off!
Cartman,I can't! They're stapled to my head!  I hate you guys.
Receptionist,Hello and welcome to Steinburg & Burgstein. Can I help you?
Stan,We wanna talk to Chef.
Receptionist,Chef?
Kyle,"He's a big guy, with a beard."
Stan,And a chef hat.
Kenny,{And a real huge dick.}
Receptionist,Oh! The black guy!
Stan,Huh?
Receptionist,Third cubicle on the left  Hey! Aren't you that cute little kid from Jerry Maguire?
Cartman,"Uh, yeah, sure sure."
Receptionist,Wow! You really got fat.
Cartman,Ey!
Chef,"Hello there, children."
Kids,"Hey, Chef."
Chef,"Eric, you got glasses!"
Stan,"Chef, you have to dump the bitch!"
Chef,Huh?
Kyle,"We need you, Chef."
Man,"Hey, Chef-o, we're gonna run down to the office supply store and get some leather holders for our pagers, you wanna come?"
Chef,You bet!
Kyle,"Chef, this place isn't you!"
Chef,"Children, Veronica showed me that I've been living a very empty life. Meaningless sex is fun for twenty or thirty years, but after that, it starts to get old."
Stan,But we don't like her.
Chef,Why not??
Stan,I don't know-uh. No reason I guess.
Chef,"Children, friends get girlfriends all the time. It's something even you will have to face with each other some day."
Kyle,"No way, dude!"
Cartman,"Please, Chef! I don't know what to do about my stupid glasses."
Chef,That's easy! Get some laser corrective surgery. That's what I did.
Cartman,Hey! Laser corrective surgery! Thanks Chef!
Chef,You see? Everything's gonna be fine. Now how about I meet you boys after work and we can play ball?
Kids,Okay!
Kyle,Chef should be here any minute.
Stan,Dude! He bailed on us!
Kyle,I can't believe it!
Stan,Come on! We're going to his house!
Chef,"Oh! Uh, hello there, children."
Kyle,"All right, mister! You better have a good explanation for why you didn't show up to play ball!"
Chef,"Oh, children, I'm sorry. I forgot."
Stan,You forgot!
Chef,Veronica surprised me at the office and took me out to dinner.  She's so amazing.
Kyle,"Well, we've got something to tell you about Veronica, Chef!"
Veronica,"Hello, children!"
Cartman,"Ma'am, we're having a dude moment here, if you don't mind?"
Chef,"Children, I've got some great news for you. Veronica and I are getting married."
Stan,Oh no! No nononononono!
Chef,"My whole family's coming here for the wedding, and I want you boys to come, too."
Veronica,This is so wonderful! Let's sing! There's got to be a morning after.
Chef,If we can hold on through the night.We have a chance to find the sunshine.
Mr. Garrison,"And that, children, is what you need to know about The Facts Of Life. So, let's review.  Tootie left in the fourth season, but Blair and Jo stayed on and got husbands, leaving the fifth and sixth seasons hideously stagnant.  Okay children, that's lunch. See you in thirty minutes."
Kyle,"Mr. Garrison, can we talk to you?"
Mr. Garrison,Sure.
Stan,"Normally we go to Chef with our problems, but wuh we can't this time."
Mr. Garrison,"Well children, I am your teacher. I think you'll find that my advice is just as valuable as Chef's, if not more so."
Kyle,"All right. Mr. Garrison, have you ever had a friend who got a new girlfriend, and then stopped being your friend, and it pissed you off?"
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, the old succubus syndrome."
Stan,What's a succubus?
Mr. Garrison,A succubus is a woman sent from Hell to suck the life out of a man.
Kyle,That's it!
Stan,Yeah!
Mr. Garrison,"Yeah, there's not much you can do about a succubus. Their evil power makes man blind to love."
Kyle,This is totally what's happening!
Stan,"Wow, you are smart, Mr. Garrison!"
Mr. Garrison,"Yeah, I tell you boys, women can kill. Poontang's expensive. That's why when it comes to chicks, I just screw them and leave them. I'd say ""get out of my bedroom, poontang, before you suck my life dry!"""
Kyle,"Thanks, Mr. Garrison."
Mr. Garrison,"Sure, kids."
Mr. Hat,You're not fooling anyone!
Mr. Garrison,"Shut your hole, Mr. Hat!"
Kyle,Come on guys! We gotta go tell Chef he's in love with a succubus.
Stan,Yeah! He's gonna be so thankful we told him.
Liane,"There you are, Eric! Come on, we have to go to the eye doctor."
Cartman,"Oh, no!"
Liane,Come on. Do you want your laser corrective surgery or not?
Cartman,"Yes, but can't we wait until tomorrow."
Liane,"Now, hon."
Cartman,But mo-om! I have to tell Chef that he's marrying a succubuuus!
Chef's dad,"Hello there, children."
Stan,Who are you?
Chef's dad,I'm Chef's father. We just flew in for the wedding.
Kyle,"Oh, hi. Is Chef here? We have to talk to him."
Chef's dad,"Well, come on in."
Kyle,There he is!
Stan,"Chef, we have to talk to you!"
Chef,"Who? Not now, children! I gotta get fitted for my britches! Be right back."
Chef's dad,"Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens?"
Stan,You're Chef's parents?
Chef's mom,"Yes, all his life."
Kyle,We have to talk to him!
Chef's dad,"Well, he should be out now directly."
Chef's mom,"Oh, he's so excited about the wedding now."
Chef's dad,"Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness monster?"
Stan,"No, that's okay."
Chef's dad,"Ooh, it must've been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of a sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the paleolithic era, comes out of the water."
Chef's mom,"We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat and I said ""Thomas, what on earth is that creature?!"""
Thomas,"It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes,-"
Chef's mom,"Oh, it was so scary!"
Thomas,"and I yelled. I said, ""What do you want from us, monster?!"" And the monster bent down and said, ""...Uh I need about tree-fitty."""
Kyle,What's tree-fitty?
Thomas,Three dollars and fifty cents.
Chef's mom,Tree-fitty.
Stan,He wanted money?
Thomas,"That's right. I said ""I ain't giving you no tree-fitty you goddamn Loch Ness monster! Get your own goddamn money!"""
Chef's mom,I gave him a dollar.
Thomas,She gave him a dollar.
Chef's mom,I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.
Thomas,"Well of course he's not gonna go away, Nellie! You give him a dollar, he's gonna assume you got more!"
Dr. Lott,"Okay, let's get started. You're here for the liposuction, right?"
Cartman,Hey! You son of a bitch!
Dr. Lott,All right. Time to laser me a little piggy.
Cartman,"Ey! You son of a bitch! I'm gonna kick you square in the nuh-  I'm gonyanya, uhnyuh, uhnyuuh, nyaahh"
Dr. Lott,I bet his mom wishes she could do that.
Thomas,"And that was the third time we saw the Loch Ness monster. Then one time, I believe it was July-"
Nellie,August.
Thomas,"August. There's a knock on the door. I open it, and there's this cute little girl scout-"
Nellie,"And she was so adorable, with the little pig tails and all."
Thomas,"And she says to me, ""How would you like to buy some cookies?"" And I said ""Well, what kind do you have?"" She had thin mints, graham crunchy things-"
Nellie,Raisin oatmeal.
Thomas,"Raisin oatmeal, and I said ""We'll take a graham crunch. How much will that be?"" And she looks at me and she says, ""...Uh I need about tree-fitty."""
Nellie,...Tree-fitty.
Thomas,"Well, it was about that time that I notice that girl scout was about eight stories tall and was a crustacean from the protozoic era."
Nellie,The Loch Ness monster.
Thomas,"I said, ""Dammit monster! Get off my lawn! I ain't giving you no tree-fitty!"" It said, ""how about just two-fitty?"" I said, ""Oh, now it's only two-fitty!! What?! Is there a sale on Loch Ness munchies or something?!"""
Nellie,"Lord, he was angry."
Thomas,"Damn right, I was angry!"
Nellie,"Not you, the monster. He was about to kick your ass."
Thomas,"Aah, shut your mouth, woman!"
Stan,"Uh, could you just tell Chef we were here?"
Thomas,"Sure. That crazy old monster  Now, then the fourth time I saw the..."
Stan,"Cartman, what the hell are you doing?!"
Cartman,That asshole eye doctor screwed up my laser surgery; I have to wear these bandages for three days!
Stan,"Damn, your eyes must really suck, Cartman."
Cartman,"Oh, thanks for the news flash, Tom Brokaw! What happened with Chef? Did you tell him she's a succubus?"
Stan,"Well, we couldn't even talk to him. She's so evil. She has him totally kept away from us."
Liane,"Eric, you have a little visitor. Is that all right?"
Cartman,Okay.
Veronica,"Hello, boys. I heard Eric had laser surgery, so I made him a pie."
Cartman,Aaah! It's the succubus!
Veronica,Huh?
Stan,"We know what you are, lady!"
Kyle,Yeah! You're a blood-thirsty succubus!
Veronica,A what?
Stan,A demon from Hell sent to suck the life out of men!
Veronica,"Boys, you know how silly that sounds, don't you?"
Kyle,"Well, you are taking Chef from us."
Veronica,"Boys, come here. I want to explain this to you. I know Chef is your friend, but Chef is a grown man. He has needs you boys can't fulfill. He wants a life with me because I make him happy. Do you understand?"
Stan,I guess.
Veronica,"Good. Oh and boys. Just one more thing. I'm going to marry Chef tomorrow,  And there's not a God-damned thing you can do about it!  Toodle-oo!"
Stan,Jesus dude!
Cartman,What? What happened?
Thomas,"Could I have your attention please?  Tomorrow, my son is gonna get married to a beautiful lady.  I'm very happy for them both.  Ooh there I go! I told myself I wasn't gonna cry, now."
Chef,"It's okay, pop."
Nellie,"Thomas, you're gonna get me going now."
Thomas,"Oh, I remember when Chef was just a three-year-old little man. He came running up to me with a big smile and his little chef's hat on, and he said, ""Poppa, poppa!"" I said ""What do you need, Chef, my boy?"", and he said, ""...I need about tree-fitty."""
Nellie,...Tree-fitty.
Thomas,"Well, it was about that time I got suspicious. I said, ""Chef, why do you need tree-fitty?"" He said, ""My imaginary friend Goo-Goo the dinosaur wants it."" I went to my son's room, and sure enough, there was the Loch Ness monster!"
Nellie,"Oh, it was scary!"
Thomas,"I said, ""Dammit monster! You stop bugging my children now! We work for our money in this house and we don't give money away!"""
Stan,"Excuse me!  We're sorry to interrupt, but we've got bad news."
Kyle,This is not a woman! It is a succubus!
Chef,What?!
Stan,Yeah! She's evil and wants to suck Chef's life out of him
Veronica,Children! That hurts my feelings.
Kyle,"Oh, you can pretend all you want! You're not fooling anybody!"
Chef,"All right guys! That's enough! I have had it with you! This is the happiest time of my life, and you can't be happy for me!"
Stan,"Chef, but-"
Chef,"No buts, Stan!  I love this woman, and I am marrying her! Now you can either accept that, or get out of my life! Now if you'll excuse us, we're having a party."
Thomas,"So I chased the monster down the street, you see..."
Kyle,I guess there's nothing we can do. Chef likes her more than us.
Stan,No! I'm not willing to give up! Chef wouldn't give up on us!
Stan,"Oh man! There's tons of stuff on succubuses, but nothing on how to stop them."
Cartman,"You guys, it's six in the morning, I have to get some sleep."
Stan,Dude! Chef's wedding is in three hours. We've got that much time to find out how to destroy a Succubus.
Cartman,"You know what?! Screw Chef! There, I said it! Screw him! Let him marry a succubus! I wanna go to sleep."
Kyle,"Here! Here! Look at this. It says ""The succubus enchants its victim with an eerie melody. This is the Succubi power. Only playing this melody backwards can vanquish the succubus power."""
Stan,What the hell does that mean?
Kyle,I don't know.
Kenny,"(Hey, you guys! You guys, I think I know precisely what it's saying. It says that we've gotta go and find a pile of records and get the one that has the entire lyrics, and then we gotta get into learning to rearrange them.)"
Stan,Right.
Kenny,"(And then we gotta go down and get a piece of paper and write down each one of the words we sang on the tape deck. And then, sing it back again!)"
Stan,Yeah?
Kenny,(That's what that means!)
Stan,Oh-hoho!
Kyle,Hey yeah! What's that song she always sings? There's got to be a morning after.
Cartman,If we can hold on to the night.We've got to find our way together...
Stan,That's it! We gotta learn that song backwards.
Kyle,In three hours.
Kyle,Ah man! I can't keep my eyes open.
Stan,"We can't fall asleep. We gotta nail that song.  You got the tape recorder, Cartman? Cartman??"
Kyle,He's asleep. Wake up fatass!
Cartman,What what what?
Stan,God-damnit! You can't fall asleep.
Cartman,"I wasn't sleeping, I was just thinking really hard!"
Thomas,"...And then these aliens had me up on their ship, right? They was probing me and all that."
Nellie,We had taco salad that night.
Thomas,"Don't matter what we had for dinner woman! Now this alien had a big head and big black eyes, and it was all bent over me. I said, ""What do you want from me, alien?!"" and do you know what he said?"
Nellie,Tree-fitty.
Thomas,"Uh. Let me tell the damn story now! He said, ""tree-fitty."" And so I realized I that it wasn't no alien, it was that God-damned Loch Ness monster again, trying to trick me into giving him tree-fitty by dressing up like an alien. Don't that just beat all?!"
Nellie,I had just given him tree-fitty the week before.
Thomas,What?! You gave that monster another damn tree-fitty?!
Nellie,He tricked me.
Thomas,Well no wonder the damn monster keeps coming back to our house! You keep giving it tree-fitty!
Stan,There she is!
Stan,Bitch. Bitch.
Kyle,Bitch.
Stan,Bitch.
Kyle,Dirty bitch.
Stan,All right. Kyle and I are gonna take our positions up front.
Cartman,Okay.
Priest Maxi,"Do you, Chef, take this woman as your lawful-wedded wife, to have and to-"
Chef,Iii do!
Nellie,"Aaah, my baby's getting married!"
Priest Maxi,"And do you, Veronica, take Chef to be your daddy?"
Veronica,I do!
Priest Maxi,And now a special sharing of vows through song.
Stan,Here it goes.
Veronica,There's got to be a morning after.
Stan,"Now, Cartman!"
Kyle,"Now, Cartman!!"
Chef,Children! You are screwing up my wedding!
Veronica,I'll take care of them!
Kyle,Cartman!! Wake up you fat piece of crap!!
Cartman,Ow!
"Stan, Kyle",Light the for looking on keep let'ssunshine...
Veronica,Aaargh!
"Stan, Kyle",The find to chance a have wenight-
Veronica,Noooo!
Chef,What the-?!
"Stan, Kyle",-the to on-
Cartman,Oh no! The tape jammed!
Man,Oh my God!
Women,Oh my God!
Chef,What the-?!
Thomas,She's a goddam Succubus!
Nellie,Succubus trying to take my baby!
Stan,Come on Cartman!
Cartman,I can't see anything!
Kenny,(Wait...)
Stan,Oh my God! She killed Kenny!
Kyle,You bastard!
Nellie,You damn monster! Get away from my baby!
Thomas,"Hold on, now, I'll see if I have tree-fitty!"
Nellie,Oh my-
Cartman,Got it!
"Stan, Kyle",-the to on hold can we if after  morning a be to got There's  Warm and safe that's...
Mr. Garrison,"Hoh, wow! You don't see that every day!"
Stan,"We're sorry Chef, we had to do it!"
Chef,"No I'm, I'm glad you did, children. Now that she's gone, I can't really figure out what I ever saw in her."
Mr. Garrison,Poontang's poontang.
Chef,"Come on, children. Let's go get some ice cream."
"Stan, Kyle",Hooray!
Cartman,What? What happened you guys? Is Kenny okay?
Chef,"Hello there, children!"
"Stan, Kyle","Hey, Chef!"
Chef,How would you like some fish sticks and tater tots?
Stan,We'd love them!
Kyle,It's great to have you back Chef!
Chef,"Yeah, well, I learned a very important lesson this week: Sometimes you fall in love and you think it feels that way forever.You change your life and didn't know your friends cause you think it can't get any better.But then love goes away; no matter what, it doesn't stay as strong.And then you're left with nothing, cause your tinking with your dong.&lt;p&gt;So watch out for that love bug! It can destroy like a typhoon wind!Just play it cool and don't be a fool..."
Mr. Garrison,And never let poontang come between you and your friend.
Chef,"Daaamn right, Garrison!"
Dr. Lott,"Oh, hello, piggy. How are your eyes doing?"
Cartman,"After today they're gonna be fine, and I'll never have to see you ever again!"
Dr. Lott,"I don't think that's possible, piggy, not with your eyes."
Cartman,"No, not with my eyes. With these!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
Dr. Lott,Was he an organ donor?
Cartman,Eh-sure.
Dr. Lott,"All right, then let's get to work.  Say, you don't have three dollars and fifty cents on you, do you?"
Voice,"This is shop class.  My name is Mr. Adler. For the next week, rather than your normal schoolwork, you'll be learning how to make things. Now, does anybody know WHY you're in shop class?  Yes?"
Stan,"Because we had to choose between this and home ec, and we didn't wanna be sissies?"
Mr. Adler,"Wrong! You are here because you are America's future!  You may someday be doctors, or lawyers, or scientists. Most of you, however, will be pumping gas, or cutting sheet metal, and that's why we have...  shop class."
Cartman,Ooooohh.
Mr. Adler,"Now, let me make one thing crystal clear: I don't like kids that screw around! You screw around in shop class, you can lose a hand or an eye. I have a-  I have... uh, I have a..."
Kyle,Mr. Adler?
Mr. Adler,"Huh? Oh, uh, I was just saying that I want to know who is the biggest troublemaker in your class?"
Stan,Tweek is!
Tweek,"Arrh! No, I'm not!"
Kyle,"Yeah, you are! You always get in trouble"
Tweek,Arrrrh!
Cartman,"Oh, hello, excuse me, but Craig is the biggest troublemaker in our class."
Mr. Adler,"That true, Craig? You a troublemaker?"
Craig,No.
Mr. Adler,"Well, you'd better not be, because in shop class we-  Hey! Did you just flip me off?!"
Craig,No.
Mr. Adler,"Yes, you did!"
Cartman,Told ya!
Kyle,"Dude, shop class sucks. Maybe we should have taken home ec."
Stan,"Now way, dude. Home ec is for girls."
Voice,"Welcome to home ec.  For the next week, you will be learning how to bake, sew, clean, and make things that are lacy and pretty."
Kenny,(Woohooo!)
Wendy,"I requested to be in shop class, but they sent me here."
Woman,"That's right, Wendy. You see, some of you girls will go on to have interesting jobs and careers.  But all of you pretty ones... won't have to worry about that, because you can marry a nice man. And that's why we have... home ec."
Kenny,(Woohooo!)
Cartman,I wonder why Kenny didn't wanna take shop class?
Stan,I don't know. He's such a wuss.
Mr. Adler,Hey! Don't screw around! You screw around too much!
Cartman,"You know, you guys are totally wrong about Tweek. Craig is way worse than he is."
Stan,No he's not dude. Craig is a wuss.
Cartman,"Dude, if Craig and Tweek got in a fight, Craig would kick Tweek's ass."
Kyle,Do you wanna bet?
Cartman,"Yeah, I'll bet."
Stan,How much?
Cartman,Five bucks.
Stan,You're on!
Tweek,Arrh!
Stan,Hey Tweek.
Tweek,Gaarhrhrh!
Stan,Dude. Craig chooses you. He wants to fight.
Tweek,He does?
Stan,"Yeah. He's all pissed off at you. So, will you fight?"
Tweek,Why?
Kyle,"Dude, because! You have to stand up for yourself! So will you fight him?"
Tweek,Rrrrh! He doesn't look like he wants to fight me.
Cartman,"Craig, could I talk to you real quick?  Er, just a second, please, Craig. Craig, I'm not normally one to get involved in this kind of thing but, well, I was just standing over by Tweek, and, he called you a big poop-eater."
Craig,He did?
Cartman,"Yeah. He said you eat poop, and that it makes your breath smell like poop, and that, eh, well, you like it."
Craig,Why would he say that?
Cartman,"I don't Craig, I don't know. But now he's over there telling everybody that you're a poop-eater and he chooses you."
Craig,"Well, I've gotta go over there and-"
Cartman,"No, no! Craig, you you can't fight him here; Mr. Adler would just break it up. Tell you what: I'll go tell him you accept his challenge, and set it up for after school today."
Craig,Okay.
Kyle,There. Did you see? He just flipped you off.
Tweek,Rrrr! What a jerk!
Stan,"He's really got it out for you, dude."
Tweek,Why?! What did I do?!
Kyle,"So, do you agree to fight him after school?"
Tweek,I guess so.
Stan,Super. See you there.
Fiancée,"Catch me, Richard.  I'm so in love with you, Richard.  I made you some cookies, Richard.  Merry Christmas, Richard.  Oh, Richard. Say you'll hold me forever.  Aaaaaaa!  Richard!"
Mr. Adler,Aaaarr! Uh.  Oh why? Why?
Stan,Mr. Adler! Mr. Ad-ler!
Mr. Adler,Huhuh Huh? Stop screwing around!
Stan,The bell rang. Can we go?
Mr. Adler,"Well, uh, well, sure. Uh, class dismissed."
Stan,"Come on, you guys."
Stan,"This is gonna be so sweet, dude."
Cartman,You guys are so wrong about Tweek. He's gonna get his ass kicked.
Kyle,We'll see!
Cartman,Why don't we just raise our bet to ten dollars?!
Stan,"You're on, fatass!"
Cartman,"Well, well, well, look who's here! Our little home economics friend, Kenny!"
Kenny,"(Hey guys, what's going on with you?)"
Stan,"How come you wanna take home ec., Kenny?"
Kyle,"Yeah. That's not cool, dude."
Bebe,"Bye, Kenny. See you tomorrow."
Jordan,"Bye, Kenny."
Kenny,"(Bye, ladies.)"
Clyde,"Hey, what's going on?"
Kyle,Tweek and Craig are gonna fight.
Clyde,"Really? Cool.  It's funny, 'cause Tweek and Craig both went home about fifteen minutes ago."
Kyle,What?
Token,"Yeah, they left."
Stan,"Aw, hell!"
Cartman,Those sons of bitches!
Clyde,I guess they don't wanna fight.
Kyle,"Aw, they wanna fight! They just don't know it yet!"
Stan,Tweek?
Kyle,Tweek?
Tweek,Herr. What do you guys want?
Stan,"How come you didn't show up for the fight, Tweek?!"
Tweek,Craig and I have no reason to fight each other.
Kyle,"Well, Craig showed up."
Tweek,He did?
Stan,"Yeah. He was standing there waiting for you, and he was all like, ""Man, Tweek's a wuss,"" and we were all like, ""No he's not, Craig,"" and he was all like, ""Yeah he is, he isn't showing up. He's a big wuss, and he has crooked teeth!"""
Tweek,I don't have crooked teeth!
Kyle,"And then Craig was all like, ""Tweek is scared o'me. He's a big chicken."" And he started doing an impersonation of you being a chicken;  well, everybody in the world saw it!"
Tweek,Everyone in the world?! Rrrr!
Stan,"Yeah, it was weak."
Tweek,I'm not a chicken!
Kyle,"Well, everyone in the world thinks you are. See ya."
Tweek,Wait! I'll fight!
Stan,Tomorrow?
Tweek,Okay.
Cartman,"Craig, what the hell are you doing home?! You're supposed to be out fighting Tweek!"
Craig,Red Racer's on.
Cartman,"Craig, you can watch Red Racer any day of the week!"
Craig,I do watch Red Racer every day of the week!
Cartman,"Well, that's fine. I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your mom."
Craig,Nope.
Cartman,"Egh. God damn it!  Well, I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your guinea pig."
Craig,What?! What did he say about Stripe?!
Cartman,"Oh, nothing, except that you stick it up your ass before you go to bed."
Craig,"That son of a bitch, I'll kill him!"
Cartman,"Yeah, I'd be pissed too, so maybe we should reschedule the fight for tomorrow?"
Craig,After Red Racer.
Cartman,"After Red Racer, of course."
Richard,"How was school today, son?"
Tweek,Errh!
Richard,That's great.
Tweek,"Dahad, if some kid in school wants to fight me, what should I do??"
Richard,"Son, let me tell you a little story about when your mother and I first met.  You see, a long time ago, there were a lot of guys who were after your mother. She used to be very attractive."
Mrs. Tweak,It's true. I was.
Richard,"Well, when I started courting your mother, there was this big muscular football player named Quib, who didn't take too kindly to me. He wanted your mother all to himself. And so, one day, he challenged me to a fight."
Tweek,Well?
Mrs. Tweak,"Well what, honey?"
Tweek,Nrr. What happened?
Richard,"Oh'd. I, I don't know. He moved away or something."
Mrs. Tweak,"Yes, I think that's right."
Tweek,Rrrrr! You guys never help me!  Your stories never go anywhere! I hate it! I want out! I want out!
Craig,"Dad, I'm supposed to get in a fight tomorrow."
Thomas,With who?
Craig,Some kid.
Thomas,Oh.
Mrs. Tucker,"Don't just ""Oh"" him, Thomas!"
Craig,"Yeah, don't just ""Oh"" me!"
Thomas,"I'll ""Oh"" whoever I want!"
Mr. Adler,"Well, that was fun, Pearl. See you later."
Pearl,"Richard, aren't you going to invite me in?"
Mr. Adler,Why?
Pearl,"Well, I thought maybe you would at least at-tempt to make love to me tonight."
Mr. Adler,"Oh, well, uuh, I can't. I left the oven on."
Pearl,"Oh, Richard, why can't you open your heart to me? Why?"
Mr. Adler,"I just... I can't. Oh, I know. I have genital warts."
Pearl,We'll use plastic wrap.
Mr. Adler,Nope. Sorry. Maybe some other time.
Fiancée,"Swing me Richard, swing me higher. I wanna touch the sky, Richard.  Richard, I'm here!  Smile.  Oh, Richard, it's beautiful. Yes. Yes.  But you have to come see me fly tomorrow, Richard. I have a surprise for you.  Don't worry, Richard. I'll pilot! It's what I do!  Aaaaaaa!  Richard!  Richard."
Mr. Adler,"Haaarrr!  Aw, God, what am I gonna do?"
Stan,"Okay, so, just to set the record straight here, the fight will be happening out by the tetherball pole at 3:30. Tweek just weighed in at 48 pounds, Craig at 45."
Clyde,"Uh, how long do you expect the fight to last?"
Craig,I uh...
Cartman,"However long Craig wants it to last.  T'heh, ub. Look, make no mistake. Craig has been ready for this fight since day one. He doesn't even view it as a challenge."
Kyle,He'll view it as a challenge when he's getting his ass kicked!
Cartman,Hup. Did you hear that? It sound like some diarrhea coming out of someone's mouth or something.
Kyle,"Shut up, fatass!!"
Cartman,"Don't call me fat, you son of a bitch!"
Clyde,"Wow. Tweek and Craig really hate each other, huh? This should be a good fight."
Pearl,"On your first date, look at the man's shoes. Sometimes you can tell how much money a man has just by his shoes.  When he takes you out to dinner, try to sneak a peek at his wallet while he pays for you. If he only has one credit card, BEWARE.  It means he doesn't spend a lot, and worse yet, it could be a debit card. If he has more than four credit cards, that's a little fishy.  The perfect number of credit cards for a man to have is... two."
Bebe,"What if we meet a guy who wants to be a doctor or a lawyer, but is still getting his degree?"
Pearl,Dump that zero and get yourself a hero! He could be earning that degree all his life while you starve to death with two dying babies sucking at your teats.
Cartman,"When I have your guys' ten bucks, I'm gonna use it to buy the sweetest big-screen TV in the whole world."
Kyle,"That's more than ten bucks, you stupid fatass!"
Cartman,"Well, if I get ten buck from each of you, that's like $2000."
Mr. Adler,"Hey, quit screwing around back there! You're horsing!"
Fiancée,"Ri-chard!  Ri-chard!  Swing me Richard, swing me higher! Richard, I'm here!  Oh, Richard, it's beautiful. Yes. Yes.  But you have to come see me fly tomorrow, Richard. I have a surprise for you.  Don't worry, Richard. I'll pilot!  It's all for you!  Aaaaaaa!  Richard!"
Clyde,Mr. Adler. Mr. Adler!
Mr. Adler,"Huh? Uh, what?"
Clyde,Tommy stuck his face in the belt sander
Mr. Adler,"The belt sander? Tommy?? I told you not to screw around with the belt sander, didn't I?  Well go on. Go see the nurse; she'll give you some peroxide."
Clyde,What's that?
Mr. Adler,"Huh? Oh, this is a woman I knew a long time ago."
Clyde,What? She die or something?
Mr. Adler,What? Hey! Go on!  You're screwing around in here!
Clyde,Oh boy! Here we go!
Wendy,What's happening?
Kyle,Tweek's gonna fight Craig!
Wendy,Oh cool!
Stan,"Stay pissed, Tweek. Stay pissed.  All right. Here we go."
Kyle,"Time for you to get proven wrong, fat boy."
Cartman,"You're gonna be eating those words, asshole."
Kyle,"No I won't, because you'd eat 'em first, tubby."
Stan,Well?
Cartman,Come on!
Wendy,"Yeah, if you're gonna do it, do it!"
Craig,What do we do?
Stan,Huh?
Cartman,"What do you mean, what do you do? You just fight each other."
Tweek,How?
Kyle,How??
Craig,I've never been in a fight before.
Tweek,Me neither.
Crowd,Awwww.
Stan,"Aw, dude, come on!!"
Cartman,"You just hit each other, smack each other around."
Kyle,Not like that!
Tweek,"Like what, then?"
Stan,"All right, all right, screw it! We have to postpone the fight 'til Tweek and Craig can learn how to fight."
Crowd,Awww.
Clyde,All that build-up for nothing.
Wendy,"Yeah. Christ, I could have been home by now!"
Stan,"All right. Tweek, we'll teach you how to fight, and Cartman, you teach Craig."
Cartman,"I don't think that's very fair: if I teach Craig, he's gonna really kill Tweek."
Stan,"Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna have my uncle Jimbo teach Tweek how to box!"
Cartman,"Ooooo! Boxing's scary, you guys!  I'm gonna have Craig learn martial arts!"
Stan,Fine! We'll see you back here tomorrow!
Cartman,Fine!
Kyle,Fine!
Cartman,"Fine, that's fine!"
Jimbo,"Alrighty. Tweek, my little nephew Stanley has asked me to teach you the fine points of boxing."
Tweek,Rrrrh!
Jimbo,You're in luck! Ned here used to be the state champion until a grenade blew his arm off.
Ned,Mmrr I can still kick ass.
Jimbo,"Now, Tweek, boxing is a Man sport. There is nothing in the world more Man than boxing. It is Man at his most Man. So when you spar with Ned here, just dig deep into that most Man part of you."
Tweek,Hwaaah!
Jimbo,"Well, enough of the lectures. let's get to boxing."
Tweek,Uugh!
Ned,"Mmm whatcha got, bee-ahtch?"
Jimbo,"Keep your guard up, Tweek!"
Tweek,Ow!
Stan,Damn it!
Kyle,"Come on, Tweek! He's only got one arm!"
Jimbo,"All right, looks like we'll have to apply the Oppenheimer technique with Tweek here."
Ned,"Gmmmmm, whatcha got, bee-ahtch?"
Jimbo,"Punch him in the balls, Tweek!!"
Ned,AAAAaaaarrgh.
Jimbo,"Atta boy! Now quick, get him again while he's down!"
Ned,Ow.
Jimbo,"Good! Now kick his balls!  There, see? You've got him coughing up blood."
"Stan, Kyle",Hooray!
Tweek,Rrrr!
Jimbo,Now THAT'S BOXING!
Master,"Your friend hasa brought you to learn the ancient art ofa sumo. You must learna discipline anda respect.  In sumo, your body must be rike a stone, and your mind rike a meatroaf."
Craig,Meatloaf?
Master,The object is simpry to push opponent out of circle. Is opponent ready?
Cartman,"I'm ready!  Hey, I like this hair thing. This is cool."
Master,"Let us begin.  Ready? And, th-ree."
Cartman,Respect my authoritah!
Master,Body rike a stone! Mind rike a meatroaf!
Cartman,"Dude. Come on, now. Come on."
Craig,"Oh, Jesus! I can't take it! Stop!"
Master,Fight back! Resist the ass!
Craig,How can I resist an ass so great?
Master,It is only an ass. You must overcome the ass with your mind.
Craig,"This ass is unlike any I've encountered, Master."
Cartman,I win!
Master,"There is indeed great power in your ass, Eric. Perhaps you should consider sumo as your profession."
Cartman,"Hey, maybe."
Mr. Adler,No. No. Make it stop.
Fiancée,"Oh, Richard. Say you'll hold me forever.  But you have to come see me fly tomorrow, Richard. I have a surprise for you.  Don't worry, Richard. I'm a pilot!  Watch me, Richard!  Richard!"
Mr. Adler,Baaaaa!  I never got to say good-bye. I never got to say good-bye!  Oh no! Oh NO! NOW what do I do?!
Pearl,"Okay, that was very good, class. Now let's try this one together.  Honey, can I get a new wardrobe?"
Class,"Honey, can I get a new wardrobe?"
Pearl,"All right, now let's try this one together.  Lisa Smith's husband just bought HER a new car...."
Class,Lisa Smith's husband just bought HER a new car....
Pearl,"Good. Bebe, why don't you try this one.  I think a trip to Hawaii would really improve our sex life."
Bebe,I think a trip to Hawaii would really improve our sex life.
Pearl,"Outstanding! Now, Kenny, how about you try?  I can't make love to you until we get a king-size bed."
Kenny,(I can't make love to you until we get a king-size bed!)
Pearl,"O-kay. Kenny, could I talk to you over here real quick?"
Kenny,(Sure you can.)
Pearl,"Kenny, I don't know quite how to tell you this, but... I'm not sure home economics is right for you."
Kenny,(Why?)
Pearl,"Well, your cooking is unsatisfactory, your sewing skills are below average, and, frankly, I don't think the odds of you marrying a nice rich man in the future are very, well, good."
Kenny,(You don't?)
Pearl,No. I think you should consider transferring to shop class.
Kenny,"(Shop class?)  (No, I won't!)"
Pearl,"Now, now. Very few students are severely injured in a shop class."
Kenny,(I don't wanna take shop class!)
Bebe,Come on! It's time for the fight!
Wendy,Yeah!
Pearl,"Fight? Oh no no, girls! Haven't I taught you anything?"
Stan,"Okay, the time has finally come."
Clyde,"Programs, get your programs here. Programs."
Kyle,"Remember, Tweek: punch hard, punch low."
Tweek,Hrrr.
Kyle,"This is when you gotta get mean, Tweek."
Tweek,"Rrrr, mean, rrrr."
Cartman,The spirit of the dragon is in your hands. Hurshar kashurshar. Hurlong churshar. All right?
Craig,Okay.
Cartman,"Now, LISTEN to me! Hurlong kashurshar! All right?! And seriously: Hurlong kepur shung kwong!"
Craig,"Okay, okay!"
Tweek,Rrrr!  Hr.
Stan,You ready Tweek? You ready Craig? Let's get in on!
Craig,Respect my authority.
"Stan, Kyle","Come on, Tweek!"
Cartman,"Come on, Craig!"
Mr. Adler,"Good-bye, cruel world.  Jesus Christ! What was I thinking?! That would have hurt like hell!"
Stan,Ye-hah!
Cartman,"Come on, Craig! Time to kick his ass!"
Kyle,"Go, Tweek. Kick his ass! Get him!"
Cartman,"Come on, Craig!"
Stan,"Come on, Tweek! You got him!"
Kyle,"Get him!  Whoa, Tweek! Did you hear that?"
Tweek,What?
Kyle,Craig just called you a boner!
Tweek,Rrrr!
Kyle,We'll just have to keep throwing jabs to win the fight.
Stan,Yeah.
Kenny,"(Hi, Mr. Adler.)"
Mr. Adler,"What? Who are you?  ""Kenny McCormick has been transferred from home ec to shop class."" Well, all right. Get some safety goggles and start gettin' acquainted with the jigsaw over there.  Hrh."
Tweek,Huh?
Mr. Adler,What the-?
Stan,Here they are.
Mr. Adler,Hey! What's going on?
Stan,Tweek and Craig are fighting. We're just watching.
Mr. Adler,"Well, why the hell don't you stop them?"
Cartman,'Cause we have ten bucks riding on it.
Mr. Adler,Don't screw aROUND!
Kenny,(Hey!)  (Hey!)
Mr. Adler,Stop screwin' aROUND!!
Kenny,"(Hey, God damn it!)"
Mr. Adler,"Eh. Hey, you're SCREWIN' AROUND TOO MUCH!!"
Kenny,(Ugh!)
Stan,"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!"
Kyle,You bastards!
Mr. Adler,"Well, don't just stand there, call an ambulance!  You see? You see what happens when you screw around in shop class?"
Kenny,"(I understand, dude.)"
Mr. Adler,"What? What's that, son?"
Fiancée,Richard.
Mr. Adler,"AAaaagh!  No! No, please don't go. I need you. I can't live without you."
Fiancée,"Richard, you have to move on. I want you to be happy."
Mr. Adler,But I can't. I never got a chance to say good-bye.
Fiancée,"Then say it now, Richard."
Mr. Adler,Good-bye?
Fiancée,There. Now do you feel better?
Mr. Adler,No.
Fiancée,"Of course you don't. Saying good-bye doesn't mean anything. It's the time that we spent together that really matters, not how we loved it."
Mr. Adler,You... you're right. You're right.
Woman,"Richard, this is Grandma."
Mr. Adler,"Gram'ma? Hi, Gram!"
Gram'ma,You never said good-bye to me either.
Man,"Hey, Richard. Remember me?"
Mr. Adler,"Uncle Corey! Wow, you're all alive again!"
Uncle Corey,No! We're dead!
Fiancée,"I love you, Richard. See you soon."
Mr. Adler,"Thank you. Thank you for freeing me. I feel like now I can move on. Baby, I feel so much better. I feel so alive.  Thank you, baby. Thank you."
Stan,"Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here."
Stan,"Hi. We're here to visit our good friends, Tweek and Craig."
Nurse,"Oh. Well, I suppose a quick visit is okay. Maybe you kids can cheer them up."
Stan,"Hey, you guys. How are you feeling?"
Tweek,Rrr!
Craig,Ugh.
Stan,"Well, uh. We just came by because we have something to tell you."
Kyle,"Yeah. See, we got you to fight just 'cause we wanted to see who was the toughest. We made up all that stuff we said to get you guys mad at each other."
Cartman,"Yes. You can flip us off, Craig. We deserve that. We just came by to apologize. We feel so bad."
Kyle,"Boy, do we ever."
Stan,"So I guess we'll be going now, and live with the knowledge that... you're both kind of sissies."
"Tweek, Craig",What?!
Stan,"Well, I mean, that's what was on the news."
Craig,What was on the news?
Cartman,"Oh, you didn't see it? Oh. Tweek's family was on the news saying what a wuss you are, Craig."
Craig,Huh?
Kyle,"Yeah. And then Craig's family came on and said Tweek was the wuss, and then punched Tweek's mom in the hooters."
Tweek,Uuh! You son of a bitch!
Craig,I'm gonna kick your ass!
Stan,"Come on, Tweek! You got him!"
Cartman,"Give him sucky, Craig, give him sucky! Hurlong churshar!"
Cartman,"You guys, listen to this song I just wrote. It's called, ""I Hate You Guys"":I hate you guys.You guys are assholes.Specially Kenny.I hate him the most.Okay now, let's try one all together:I hate you guys. Come on, you guys know the words.Specially Kenny."
Kyle,"This is sweet, being rugged outdoorsmen.  Facing the wilderness, not having to be home until 8:30,..."
Stan,Where are you going?
Cartman,I'm going home for a minute. I have to go to the bathroom.
Kyle,Just go behind a tree.
Cartman,I have to go number two.
Stan,So? You can poo in the wilderness.
Cartman,"No way, dude! What would I wipe with?"
Kyle,"Cartman, don't be such a baby! We're supposed to be rugged outdoorsmen!"
Cartman,Well what do I sit on?
Kyle,"You just squat, stupid!"
Stan,Not here! Go further away!
Cartman,"God, I'm glad you guys know all these ""pooping outside"" rules!  Urgh. Come on, now."
Kyle,Watch out for ground eels!
Cartman,"Stop, you guys! I can't think!"
Kyle,What do you have to think about?
Cartman,"I have to think about... planes dropping bombs, and dump trucks, and self-serve ice cream...  Oh, that did it."
Stan,"Sick, dude!"
Cartman,"Poopin' outside,Makin' self-serve ice creamFor my friendsSpecially Kenny.Hey, Kenny, Can I borrow one of your gloves?"
Kenny,(Here you go.)  (No way!)
Cartman,What the?
Creature,Oohma poota!
Cartman,"Oh my God! Come on, you guys, come look at this!"
Stan,"We don't wanna look at it, Cartman!"
Cartman,"You guys, get over here!"
Kyle,"No way, dude!"
Cartman,I'm serious now!  Look. Over by those bushes.
Kyle,What?
Creature,Meesa scared!
Stan,I see it!
Cartman,Come on! Let's kill it!
Kyle,"Aw, Cartman! You're supposed to bury it!"
Announcer,Look at this sword. Only on House Shopping Network. It has a dragon on the blade.  It's got a dragon painted right on the blade! You should buy the samurai sw-
Jimbo,"Ned, how the hell could you lose your voice box?!  I can't hear you, Ned. You don't have a trachea. You smoked too much and you had it removed. And then you drank too much and you lost your god-damned voice box, Ned!"
Ned,Shut... up... Jimbo.
Jimbo,"Aw, Ned, don't burp-talk. That just sicks me out."
Stan,I saw it this way!
Kyle,Over here!
Cartman,"Come on, you guys!"
Jimbo,What the hell's goin' on?!
Stan,"Uncle Jimbo, Cartman found a big animal creature and it ran over that way!"
Jimbo,"Hold on, I'll get my shotgun! Ned! Ned, come on!  Where did it go?"
Kyle,It just ran by here a second ago.
Jimbo,"Sounds like it ran into the ostrich trap!  Sshh. Now keep quiet. All right. I'm gonna turn my flashlight on. It may get startled, so be ready."
Creature,Ooba jaaga!
Jimbo,Holy Crow! I've never seen anything like it!
Creature,Meesa gonna die? Wooo-wowoop!
Cartman,"Heheh. Hey-heh, that thing's funny."
Kyle,It's stupid.
Jimbo,"Well, let's kill it."
Cartman,No! No. Don't.
Jimbo,Huh?
Cartman,I like it.
Kyle,"You don't like anything, Cartman!"
Jimbo,"Well, all right. Ned, get the Mayor on the phone, tell her that we... hoh yeah, he can't talk. All right, never mind, I'll do it."
Jimbo,"Yeah, it was like wrestling a Louisiana alligator, this thing. Put up one hell of a fight."
Sheila,"Hello there. Who's the cute baby? Who's the fuzzy, huh? Yes, that's a cutie."
Fed,"Mayor, we're from the Department of Interior."
Mayor,"Ooh, yes. How are you?"
DOI 1,"Fine, just fine."
DOI 2,"Fine, just fine."
DOI 3,Fine.
Mayor,Right over here.
DOI 2,"My God, McClanahan, do you believe it?"
Creature,Meesa needa Jakov.  Dwooooooo!
DOI 1,Mm-it's amazing.
Mayor,What?
DOI 1,"Mayor, this is a jakovasaur. A live one has never been seen."
Mayor,"Oh, neato."
DOI 2,Incredible.  We know of this creature only from remains frozen in snow.
DOI 1,Do you realize what this means? We could use its DNA and have a chance of bringing the entire jakovasaur species back from extinction.
Cartman,Wow! Cool!
Ned,Is... there... re... ward... money?
Jimbo,"Huh, cut it out, Ned! That's just disgusting!"
DOI 2,This one jakovasaur can mother an entire population of the animals.
Woman,"Well, in that case, I think we should name it... Hope."
Woman 2,Hope.
Man,"Yes, Hope."
Stan,I think his name is Junjun.
Mayor,"Hope. Why, that's a perfectly beautiful name!"
DOI 1,Now we must find a safe place for it.
Mr. Garrison,I'll keep it at my house.
Mayor,"No, Garrison, you'll just try to have sex with it!"
Junjun,Uuh?!
Mr. Garrison,What?! How dare you say that?!
Mayor,"Garrison, you remember what happened to the wounded pigeon you were supposed to take care of?!"
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, come on! You all know that pigeon was a total slut."
Rancher,"Oh, I got a barn it can stay in. It ain't much, but it's heated."
DOI 1,"Well, that sounds fine, just fine."
DOI 3,"Fine, just fine."
DOI 2,Fine.
Mr. Garrison,"Now, wait a minute. I wanna clear the air here. We all know that pigeon was a whore. Raise your hand if you didn't sleep with that pigeon?  Oh, whatever!"
Announcer,It's got a dragon painted on the blade. This is the Sumatomi sword-
Cartman,"Wow, a dragon right on the blade. Mom, can I get a Sumatomi sword used by the ancient Tokugawa soldiers??"
Liane,"I'll think about it, hon."
Cartman,"Sweet.  Mom, somebody's at the door."
Liane,"Mommy's busy, boopie-kins."
Cartman,Should I get it?
Liane,"Go ahead, snookums. It's probably one of your little friends."
Cartman,Okay.
Liane,Hmmm.
Cartman,"Okay, okay, hold your horses! God!  Mom, it's another Stark's Pond creature!"
Liane,"That's nice, muffin."
Jakovasaur,"Please help me. Whoa-oh-oh-oh.  Please help me find Junjun. She has been gone since last night, and I'm worried sick."
Cartman,You mean the other jakovasaur?
Jakovasaur,What means a jakovasaur?
Cartman,You're a jakovasaur; that's what they call you.
Jakovasaur,Oh. Cool beans.
Cartman,But the other jakovasaur talked different.
Jakovasaur,That's 'cause Junjun's a girl. Girls talk different.
Cartman,I have to call my friends over; they're never gonna believe it.
Jakovasaur,Please take me to Junjun. We're the last of our kind. There are only two of us left.
Cartman,"He's the last of his kind, you guys. There's only two of them left."
Kyle,Did you smoke some of your mom's crack?
Cartman,"Will you stop with the whole ""mom smoking crack"" thing?! It's a old joke!"
Jakovasaur,"Eric, do you have any more cookies?"
Stan,Who's that? One of your mom's boyfriends?
Cartman,"No, that was a jakovasaur. It's okay to come in."
Stan,Wow!
Cartman,"Jakov, I want you to meet my friends."
Jakov,"Huhello, guys. I love new friends."
Cartman,"Hahahahaheh, isn't he funny?"
Stan,"No, he's annoying."
Kyle,What are we supposed to do with him?
Cartman,We have to take him to that rancher's barn to see his girlfriend.
Stan,Why don't we just tell our parents?
Cartman,No! Why don't you wanna to understand? We have to do this ourselves.
Stan,Sshh! Be quit. We could get in big trouble for being here.
Jakov,Junjun!
Stan,"Sh! Keep quiet, stupid!"
Jakov,"Oh, Junjun, I'm so glad you're okay!"
Kyle,"Dude, have you ever heard of whispering?!"
Jakov,I am whispering!  Yyeow!
Cartman,"Haaahahahah. You're so funny, Jakov."
Jakov,I am?
Stan,"Okay, uh, Jakov, why don't you just take bunga here and go back to Stark's Pond?"
Jakov,"Oh, I don't know. This place is kinda nicer than Stark's Pond."
Junjun,"Aw, we's in big doodoo now."
Jakov,Uh oh.
Operator,"Hello, and welcome to Voice Box Express, your #1 source for voice boxes. I'm Amanda. How may I help you?"
Ned,"Yes... Hello..., um..., I... lost... my... voice... box..."
Amanda,Excuse me?
Ned,I... lost... my... voice... box...
Amanda,Excuse me?
Ned,I... lost... my... voice... box...
Jimbo,"Hey Ned, look what I bought you! A new voice box!  You want it? You want it? Yeah! Do you? Yeah! You want it? All right, here you go.  Well, try it out!"
Ned,"Mmm. Aw, Jimbo, I can't thank you enough for the new voice box. Gmmm, now, what in the devil is this thing?"
Jimbo,"Oh, no, I must have picked up the Irish model by mistake."
Ned,"Mmm-aw, what a bloody pickle this is! Did you keep the receipt, then?"
Man,You guys come quick! I've only just heard!
Jimbo,What? What is it?
Man,They've found another one! They've found another jakovasaur!
Ned,"Gmmm, blimey."
Mayor,Here with more on the status of the jakovasaurs is Department of Interior guy.
DOI 1,"Thank you, Mayor.  The noble jakovasaur is on the brink of extinction. And now, you, as a community, have a chance to bring them back."
Cartman,"""Thank you, Mayor, for this distinctive honor..."""
Kyle,"What are you doing, fatass?!"
Cartman,"I'm preparing my speech for when they call me up to congratulate on me on my discovery. ""Thank you, Mayor, for this distinctive honor..."""
DOI 1,"...Hope and Jakov are the last of their kind. But with the help of the Mayor, we have implemented a plan to help them breed. We will give them a home and a fighting chance at survival."
Man,Yea for us!
Jakov,Thank you!
Mayor,"And now, the little boy who first discovered the jakovasaurs, Eric Cartman!"
Cartman,"Thank you, Mayor, for this honorable distinction."
Man 2,"Well, that's about it. Let's go."
Man 3,Yeah.
Cartman,"You know, there's really only two seasons here in South Park: Winter, and July, heh heh heh. But, but um, seriously, South Park has always been a place of discovery for me...  Ey, you sons of bitches! Get back here! I'm having a god-damned distinctive honor!"
Jakov,Wow!! It's so pretty!
DOI 1,"Well, Jakov, we hope this new home ""inspires"" you and Hope to uh, hm, you know..."
Jakov,What?
DOI 2,"Well, we'd love to see more jakovasaurs, so, maybe you two should uuh..."
Jakov,What?
DOI 3,Get to some business.
Jakov,What??
Kyle,"They want you to have sex, God-damnit!!"
Jakov,Ooohh.
Mayor,We'll just leave you two lovebirds alone.
Jakov,"Well, all right, then."
Junjun,Meesa just don't wanna!
Jakov,I don't know what to do!
DOI 1,"Jakov, to have sex, all you need to do is, well, you know, put your...  Hmmm.  I guess we don't know exactly how jakovasaurs mate."
DOI 2,There is... another option.
Mephesto,I've managed to artificially inseminate Hope with your semen.
Jakov,I have seamen? Where's their boat?  Arrrrr-urrrrr! Arrrrr-urrrrr!
Mephesto,"Yes, yes, that's... very funny, Jakov.  I... will need to examine Hope once more to see if the process worked."
Junjun,Oh-wwoooooop! Oh-wwoooooop!
Jakov,Arrrrr-urrrrr! Arrrrr-urrrrr!
Stan,God-damn!
Kyle,Shut up!!
Mephesto,"Yes! Yes, I think it worked!  You are going to be parents!"
DOI 3,Yeah!
DOI 2,We did it!
Jakov,Now I can be like all the other guys in South Park!
Stan,"Dude, do we really want another one of these things hanging around?"
Commentator,"...and Bubby Brister is having a great first quarter! Let's see what trickery he uses here. Here's the snap, and he's down-"
Jakov,"Thanks for inviting me to watch the game, guys!"
Randy,"No problem, Jakov."
Commentator,To the 40-yard line!
Men,Yea!
Jakov,Go Niners! Ni-ners!
Gerald,"We're rooting for the Broncos here, Jakov!"
Jakov,Oooops!
Commentator,"...to Terrell Davis! He's at the 50, the 40, the 30,..."
Jakov,"You guys know what?  This one time, I was watching this rabbit, a brown rabbit-"
Commentator,"He breaks another tackle, and the ball is loose!"
Jakov,You guys know what... happened? It touched Junjun right in front of me.
Randy,"Hey Jakov. Uh, could you run down to the store and get some more... pretzels?"
Jakov,Sure. You got money?
Gerald,Here- here you go. And and don't go to the store down the block. The one four miles away in Fairplay has better pretzels.
Jakov,Cool beans.  Oopsie. I'll be right back.
Mr. Mackey,"Jakovasaurs kinda piss me off, mkay."
The others,Yup.
DOI 1,Amazing! The gestation period was only four days.
DOI 2,"At that rate, we could repopulate the jakovasaurs in just a few years."
Junjun,Doe-wooop!
DOI 1,"Don't worry, Hope. Everything's gonna be fine, just fine."
DOI 3,Just fine.
DOI 2,Fine.
Kyle,"Dude, I don't wanna watch this thing have a baby."
Cartman,"If Jakov and Hope don't have kids, their race will become extinct."
Kyle,"Maybe their baby will be still-born, like Cartman was."
Cartman,"Hey! I might have been still-born, but at least I got better!"
DOI 2,Here we go.
Junjun,Doe-woooop!
Sheila,"Behold, the miracle of childbirth!"
Junjun,Dowoop!
Kyle,Gross!
Junjun,Dowoop!
All,Hooray!
DOI 3,This is the first step in bringing the species back from the brink of extinction!
Junjun,Dowoooop! Dowoop!
DOI 2,Looks like there might be a second one.
DOI 1,Wow! That would be a great start for them.
All,Hooray!
Mayor,She's a cannon!
DOI 1,"Well. Ap-parently, they breed in litters."
Cartman,"Aren't they cute, you guys?"
Stan,Huh-I'm not so sure this is a good thing.
Junjun,Huh-owhoa-o-woop!
DOI 1,Huh?!  Whoa-o-whoa!
Mr. Garrison,"Ho-okay, children, we have some new students joining us today. Let's all be warm and welcome them to our class."
Stan,"Dude, it's crowded in here."
Jakovasaur Boy,I like school!
Jakovasaur Girl,Bo-woop!
Mr. Garrison,"O-kay, so, we're just gonna stick to our normal lesson plan and start the day with history.  Now, does anyone know why Chubby Checker left the Beatles in 1972?  Yes?"
Jakovasaur Boy,I don't know.
Jakovasaur Girl,Bo-woop!
Mr. Garrison,"O-kay, is there anyone who can answer the question?"
Jakovasaur Kid 1,I can't.
Jakovasaur Kid 2,Me neither.
Mr. Garrison,"Damnit, you don't raise your hand if you don't know!"
Jakovasaur Kid 2,Oh.
Jakovasaur Kid 3,O-wowo-oop! O-woo-oop!
Jakovasaur Kid 4,Ooo! Fight! Fight!
Jakovasaur Kid 5,"School, school! I like school!"
Jakovasaurs,"School, school! I like school! School, school! I like school!"
Kyle,"Dude, this sucks ass!"
Cartman,I like going to school now. Jakovasaurs are so cool.
Mr. Hat,"This is insane, Mr. Garrison."
Mr. Garrison,"It sure is, Mr. Hat."
Mayor,"Now, folks, I know we're all a little worried about the jakovasaurs, and I want to hear you all out!"
Mr. Garrison,"Mayor, the little jakovasaurs are ruining my classroom. I can't teach our kids anything!"
All,Yeah!
Chef,And those jakovasaur eat three times as much as normal children! I can't keep up!
All,Yeah!
Man,Totally!
Trashman,"And they're creating more trash than we can handle, too!"
Man,Totally!
All,Yeah!
Man,Listen to her!
Man 2,"And what about little Laura, the Williams' kid? If she doesn't get that heart-valve operation, she could die.  Yeah! Yeah, that's right!"
Mayor,"All right, all right. It's obvious we have to do something, but we can't just make them leave."
Jimbo,We just encourage them to find someplace better.
Mayor,"But where? Jakovasaurs are big, loud, annoying, and stupid. Where would they fit in?"
Jakov,Memphis?
Mayor,"Yes, Memphis.  You jakovasaurs would love it there."
Jakov,"I don't know. I like South Park a lot. What do you think, honey?"
Junjun,G'ooh-woo-ooop!
Jakov,Yeah.
Mayor,But everyone in South Park wishes they could live in Memphis. Right?
Jakov,"Okay, we'll move to Memphis!"
Some men,Yea!
Others,Hooray!
Cartman,"Hey, Jakov, how's it going?"
Jakov,"Great, Eric! We're moving."
Cartman,Moving?
Jakov,"Me, Jun and the family are heading to the Promised Land of Memphis."
Cartman,You... can't leave. You're my friend.
Liane,"Oh, Eric dear. It's what's best."
Jimbo,Yeah. Let's get that luggage packed!
Cartman,"Jakov, please don't go.  You make everything in South Park fun.  You brought life to this whole town. It would suck without you."
Jakov,It would?
Cartman,"Yes. These people, Jakov, these people need you. I need you. Please, Jakov. Stay?"
Jakov,O-kay. I like South Park best of all. We're staying!
Cartman,"Hoo-ray! Jakov is staying, you guys!"
Mayor,Now what do we do?
DOI 1,"Don't worry, We've come up with a plan."
Mayor,You have?
DOI 1,Yes. We're leaving.
All,What??
DOI 1,We're getting the hell out of here and away from those God-damned things.
Mayor,You can't leave.
Cartman,Yes. Who would take care of them?
DOI 2,"Little boy, we're making you an honorary Department of Interior person.  So now, you are officially in charge of South Park's fish and wildlife. You have authority over all of them."
Cartman,I have authoriteh?
DOI 2,That's right. And people must respect it.
Cartman,"Well, that should be fine, just fine."
DOI 2,"Fine, just fine."
Cartman,Fine.
Stan,"Oh, no! Nothing's worse than Cartman with authoritah!"
DOI 2,"Bye-bye, now."
Announcer,And now back to... Jakovasaurs! on Comedy Central.
Jakov,"Hi, honey! I'm home!  Wooooo!  Boy, it was rough at work today. I've never seen so much coffee."
Junjun,Booo-wooop?
Jakov,"No, in the boss's lap."
Boy,"Hello, dad."
Jakov,"Hello, son. How was your day?"
Boy,"Oh, not so good. Something really strange happened."
Jakov,What? You mean MTV played a video that wasn't Will Smith?
Boy,"Noho, dad. A man in a blue suit and a bag came to the door. He just left this li'l piece of paper with a stamp on it."
Jakov,That's called a mailman. He takes care of mail.
Boy,"Oh! He took care of mom, too."
Jakov,You're a nut! Let me see that letter.  It's from a game show. The Mayor has invited me to compete.
Cartman,"Hi, Jakov.  What the hell is that?  Who's laughing?"
Jakov,"Eric! The Mayor has invited us to compete on a game show in South Park! Big prizes, an all-expense paid vacation-"
Cartman,"Wow, that's cool. I can help you get ready."
Jakov,"Woo, woo!"
Mayor,"Come onn, come on!  Hello!"
Jakov,Mayor? This is Jakov. I'm the tall fellow down the block from-
Mayor,"Yes. Yes, Jakov. You're calling about the game show. Congratulations! Will you do it?!"
Jakov,"Sure! If a free trip is involved, can my whole family go?"
Mayor,"Of course! That's the point! Just be ready this afternoon at the public access building, and good luck! Hope you win!!"
Jakov,Cool beans!!
Mayor,"We've got 'em! All right. The boys here will keep little Eric Cartman distracted. Meanwhile, we get rid of the jakovasaurs and bring some normalcy back to this town! Ready?"
All,Break!
Jimbo,"Hey, Ned! A package came for you today from Voice Box Express."
Ned,"Oh... boy..., oh... boy."
Mayor,"Now remember, Barbrady, all you have to do is lose!"
Barbrady,Right.
Mayor,"Okay. Let's quiet down, people and jakovasaurs!  Now, as you know, the winner of this little game will get an all-expense paid trip for himself and fifty of his closest relatives to lovely France!  And, all one of you lucky constetants has to do is answer only one of these questions! Are you ready, players?"
Barbrady,Ready.
Jakov,Ready.
Mayor,Okay. Hands on your buzzers.
Jakov,Forty-seven!
Mayor,You have to wait until I ask the question first.
Jakov,Sor-ry!
Mayor,That's okay. Hands on buzzers.
Jakov,Turkey sandwich!
Barbrady,"Damn, he's quick!"
Jakov,Oh. Sor-ry!
Barbrady,"No, I'm sorry."
Jakov,"No, it's my fault. I'm sorry."
Barbrady,"No, it's all me. Uh, my bad."
Jakov,Sorry.
Barbrady,Sorry.
Mayor,Will somebody please unplug the God-damned buzzers?!
Stagehand,Got it!
Mayor,"Now, can we get on with this? First question: What color is blue?"
Barbrady,Blue?
Mayor,What?
Barbrady,Uh. Blue is blue?
Jakov,"Awww, did I lose?"
Mayor,"What? Blue is-? Nono. Hang on.  You're supposed to lose, you idiot!"
Barbrady,Where am I?
Mayor,"Just don't answer any more questions, got it?"
Barbrady,Okie-dokie.
Mayor,"Sorry, folks, a little mix-up. We're playing best out of three!"
Cartman,"What are we doing out here, you guys? I wanna see if Jakov wins that game show."
Stan,"Oh, he'll win. Don't worry."
Kyle,"We just have to show you this new species because you're the Department of Interior guy now. Soon, they'll all be eaten by bears."
Cartman,"Oh. Let me get out my notepad so I can classify this new species.  Well, this should be fine, just fine. Just fine, fine."
Kyle,There it is!  That must be of the antelope family.
Cartman,"That's Kenny with branches on his head.  Why did you bring me all the out here, you guys?"
Stan,"Cartman, jakovasaurs are making South Park suck. You have to understand that."
Cartman,"Well, what does that have to do with me being all the way out...? Wait a minute. You're distracting me! That game show is a fix!"
Kyle,Cartman! Wait!
Kenny,"(Hey you guys, wait up for me!)  (Waaah!)"
Mayor,"What's two plus two, Jakov?"
Jakov,I don't know!
Barbrady,Four?
Mayor,"Jakov, what is your name?"
Barbrady,Jakov
Mayor,"Oh, screw it. Jakov wins!"
Jakov,I do?
Mayor,You and your entire family are going to wonderful and exotic France!
Jakov,Hooray!
Mayor,"All right, everybody. Let's get them to the airport!  Let's go, people! There's no time to lose!"
Jakov,But what about our clothes? Shouldn't we pack first?
Randy,"Jakovasaurs don't wear clothes, Jakov."
Jakov,"Oh yeah. Well, good-bye everybody! We'll send stuff from France!"
Crowd,Good-bye!
Jakov,Werrr.
Cartman,Jakov!
Jimbo,Close the door!
Cartman,Open this door!
Liane,"Eric, this is for the best."
Cartman,"I am Department of Interior guy, and I have authoritah!  No! Jakov, don't go!"
Jakov,"Hi, Eric! Okay, bye, then!"
Cartman,Come... back.
Liane,"Eric, it's important for you to understand-."
Cartman,"Don't, mother! Just, don't."
Mayor,"I know it's hard, Eric, but I've learned something today. You see, animal species come and go. It's all a part of natural evolution."
Jimbo,The jakovasaurs would have gone extinct if we hadn't interfered. Because their particular form of life simply wasn't practical.
Ned,"We can't go around saving every form of life, any more than we can kill them all. We have to let nature run its course."
Jimbo,"Mhmm Ned, that voice box sucks!"
Ned,I know. I'm still trying to find my old one.
Mayor,"Well, then. What say we all go get some ice cream!"
Crowd,Hooray!
Cartman,No. That's okay. I'll see you guys.
Kyle,Dude! I've never seen Cartman care so much about something.
Stan,Yeah. I guess he finally found something that's as annoying as he is.
Waiter,Bonjour.
Woman,Bonjour.
Waiter,Café?
Woman,Oui.
Jakov,"Come on, kids! Let's go find some pyramids!  Woops! Aaaah!"
Man,C'est drôle et amusant (That was SO FUNNY!!)
Accordionist,(I love its antics!!!)
Blonde,Il est si comme Jerry Lewis!!! (He's just like Jerry Lewis!!!)
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children. Let's take our seats. We have something very important to discuss. Due to recent events around the country I've been instructed to teach you all about sexual harassment in school."
Kyle,About what?
Mr. Garrison,"Now, does anybody know what sexual harassment means?  Yes, Eric?"
Cartman,"When you're trying to have intercourse with a lady friend, and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind."
Mr. Garrison,"...No, Eric! That's not what I'm talking about! The school board has sent over a special guest to teach us all about sexual harassment in schools. Please welcome Petey, the Sexual Harassment Panda."
Petey,"Who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree?Sexual Harassment PandaWho explains sexual harassment to you and me?Sexual Harassment Panda""Don't say that! Don't touch there!Don't be nasty!"" says the silly bearHe's come to tell you what's right and wrongSexual Harassment PandaHi, boys and girls."
Mr. Garrison,"Say ""hi"" to Sexual Harassment Panda!"
Class,"Hi, Sexual Harassment Panda."
Clyde,Hababah...
Petey,"Did you know that when one little panda pulls on another little panda's underwear, that's sexual harassment? That makes me a sa-a-a-a-ad panda."
Kyle,"This is freaking me out, dude."
Petey,"And when one little panda puts his furry little willy in another panda's ear, that makes me a very sad panda.  Now, I'm going to pass out these booklets, and we're going to go through each and every sexual harassment law."
Class,Awgh..!
Petey,"""...Article 36, Section 19: One panda may not make sexual comments about another panda's appearance. If said panda does make..."""
Stan,"Ohh, dude, get me out of here!"
Cartman,I think Sexual Harassment Panda is cool.
Stan,"You would think that, you little ass-sucker."
Cartman,What did you call me?
Stan,"An ass-sucker. It means you suck ass. You see an ass, you suck it. You're an ass-sucker."
Cartman,That does it! I am suing you for sexual harassment!
Petey,Uh-oh.
Stan,What?
Cartman,You have... sexually harassed me for the last time! It says right here... that now I can sue you and take all of your money.
Petey,"That's right, he can."
Stan,"No you can't, you little ass-sucker!"
Cartman,"Oh, you did it again! You all heard him!"
Petey,"""The first party of the first panda may sue the second-party panda unless that panda was said panda aforementioned panda."""
Judge Julie,"This is Cartman vs. Marsh, Case No. 3433. What is your complaint, Mr. Cartman?"
Cartman,"Your Honor, my lawyer is just parking the car. He should be here any second."
Kyle,Dude! He got a lawyer?
Gerald,Sorry I'm late.
Kyle,Dad?!
Gerald,"Oh! Hi, Kyle."
Judge Julie,"All right. Let's move this along, shall we? Now, Eric Cartman, uh, you claim that Stan Marsh sexually harassed you in school."
Cartman,"Th... That is correct, my honor."
Stan,"Hoh, whatever!"
Cartman,He talked about having oral sex with my ass.
Stan,I called you an ass-sucker!
Cartman,"Yes, that was it. I was suh-so upset.  I couldn't concentrate the rest of the day. And the way his eyes kept looking at me, slowly going up and down my body, like he was undressing me with his eyes."
Stan,"What?! Cartman, you call people names all the time!"
Gerald,"As you can see, Your Honor, my client is too upset to continue."
Judge Julie,"Mr. Marsh, what do you have to say?"
Stan,Wwhat do you mean?
Judge Julie,I need to hear your defense.
Stan,Uh... I'm eight?
Judge Julie,"All right, this seems pretty open-and-shut. Stan Marsh, under the new Sexual Harassment in Schools law, I am forced to find you guilty."
Stan,Huh?
Gerald,"All right, we did it!"
Cartman,Hooray!
Judge Julie,"Since the defendant is underage and has no monetary resources, it is the judgment of this court that 50% of Stan Marsh's belongings are to be handed over to Eric Cartman immediately."
Stan,I have to give him half my stuff?
Cartman,Sweet..!
Cartman,"Let's see. I want that Clown Criminy game , and that Power Jim doll.  And, let's see...  Do you really like this remote-controlled truck?"
Stan,"Yeah, dude. That's my favorite toy."
Cartman,"Oh, well, I'll just take that, then.  And what about this? Is this one of your favorites?"
Stan,"Uh, no! I hate that toy!"
Cartman,"Oh, then you won't mind if I take it!"
Stan,Damnit!
Collector,Here you go. As your legal fee you can choose between the green choo-choo or the squishy football.
Gerald,"Hm.  You know, Eric, I've been thinking, uh..."
Cartman,Uh-huh? That model airplane kit? Go on.
Gerald,"Uh, you know, the people really responsible for your harassment is the public schools.  Perhaps we should sue them next."
Cartman,"What? But uh, why should I sue the school?"
Gerald,"Well, because they're the ones that let this harassment go on. And, they have a lot more money. I think we could get a lot more out of this than half of Stan's belongings."
Cartman,"Interesting.  Ooo, Stan's asthma inhaler. I want that."
Judge Julie,Answer the question. Did you know that sexual harassment was going on in the classroom?
Mr. Garrison,"No, I had no freakin' idea!"
Gerald,"Mr. Garrison, do you know the definition of sexual harassment?"
Mr. Garrison,"Of course, and so does Mr. Hat. We do not tolerate sexual harassment!"
Judge Julie,"You are the witness here, Mr. Garrison, not Mr. Hat."
Mr. Garrison,"I'm sorry, toots."
Gerald,"Did you, or did you not, hear my client being called an ass-sucker?"
Mr. Garrison,Yes.
Gerald,And you did nothing.
Mr. Garrison,"Well, he is a little ass-sucker."
Judge Julie,"Mr. Garrison, I will remind you that we are in court!"
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, baby, I'm sorry."
Gerald,"Principal Victoria, were you aware that my client was being harassed at your school?"
Principal Victoria,"Well, not any more than any other student."
Gerald,Oh! So you admit that harassment goes on!
Principal Victoria,I don't know!
Gerald,You don't know?! You're the principal!
Principal Victoria,I can't be around every second!
Gerald,So it DOES go on!!!
Principal Victoria,"All right, all right, I killed him. I hit him over the head and I cut up the body. I tried to burn him, but it wouldn't burn! Oh, the smell of it! I put the legs in garbage bags and hid the torso under a bridge. I HAD TO DO IT!!  OH GOD!!!"
Gerald,"Principal Victoria, was Eric Cartman called an ass-sucker? Yes or no?"
Principal Victoria,"I believe so, yes."
Man,That's sexual harassment.
Gerald,"Last, I'd like to bring up my expert witness: Sexual Harassment Panda."
Petey,Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree?Sexual Harassment Panda
Gerald,"Expert witness, did South Park Elementary allow sexual harassment to go on?"
Petey,"Well, when one little panda asks another little panda to perform oral sex, that is sexual harassment."
Gerald,And who's to blame?
Petey,I'm afraid the law states that the school must be held responsible.
Gerald,There! You have it! Straight from the horse's mouth!
Petey,Panda.
Gerald,Pan-Panda's mouth.
Judge Julie,"After careful review, it is the judgment of this court that South Park Elementary pays Eric Theodore Cartman $1.3 million in damages."
Gerald,"All right! We did it, Eric!"
Cartman,"It's time to celebrate, yeahIt's time to celebrate, yeah"
Gerald,"That goes in the master bedroom.  Well, Kyle. What do you think of your new house?"
Kyle,It's... big.
Gerald,"Yes, it is big, isn't it? It is very big."
Kyle,"Dad, if the school has to pay you and Cartman $1.3 million, where does that money come from?"
Gerald,"Well Kyle, schools have lots of money. You see, we all pay taxes, and part of that tax money goes to public schools, and it's from that money that we got our 1.3 million."
Kyle,And you don't see a problem with that?
Gerald,No. It's a very fragile system that nature has designed. All things flow into each other.
Kyle,"You're trying to confuse me now, aren't you?"
Gerald,"Sort of, yeah."
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, there's a few changes being made here at school, but lessons will go on as normal. Any questions?  Yes, Stan?"
Stan,Where's our desks?
Mr. Garrison,"Right, desks. Well, a lot of cuts had to be made since the school's funding is short for lawsuits."
Stan,"You see, Cartman? You see what this has done?"
Cartman,"All I know is, I got this sweet digital watch and these cool shoes; I'm telling you guys, suing people kicks ass!"
Clyde,Wow! I wanna sue somebody!
Bebe,"Me, too. I wanna get a lawyer."
Class,Yeah!
Kenny,(Woohoo!)
Mr. Garrison,"Well, let's just try to cope with the changes and do our schoolwork. Now, I'm gonna write a sentence on the board, and I want you to tell me the noun."
Class,AAGGGHHH!!
Mr. Garrison,"I know, I know. I'm sorry, children, but we can't afford chalk anymore. I have to write on the chalkboard with this rusty nail. Anyway, children, in the sentence, ""The ball is red..."""
Class,AAGGGGHHH!!
Gerald,"Kids! Are you tired of being harassed at school? Sick of being called a homo? A farty-pants? A butt-... face? Then call me, Kyle's dad, and I'll help you  close the lid on sexual harassment in schools!"
Bebe,"After a boy in my class tried to put his tongue in my mouth, I knew I needed legal help. Kyle's dad helped me get a $1.6 million settlement, and this bright new shiny bicycle. Thank you, Kyle's dad!"
Clyde,"Kyle's dad got me 1.4 million, and he can do it for you, too. Just look at all these beautiful girls!"
Gerald,"So call me, Kyle's dad. Because it's not about money, it's about... wait, what am I saying? Call me!"
Singers,"Kids picking on you? Well, don't be sadJust sue their asses with Kyle's dad"
Chairman,"All right, what other cuts do we have to make to the school budget?"
Woman,"Uh, next we have Tom Morris. He plays Sexual Harassment Panda at the schools."
Chairman,"Oh, right. We certainly can't afford him anymore."
Woman,"I warn you, Mr. Evans, uh, Tom Morris takes his job a little seriously."
Petey,"Hello, sexual harassment cubs.Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree?Sexual Harassment Panda"
Mr. Evans,"Uh uh, have a seat, Mr. Morris."
Petey,Who?
Mr. Evans,Uh... S-Sexual Harassment Panda.
Petey,"Oh, all right."
Mr. Evans,"Uh—M-m-m-Mr. Morris, we at the school board have been thinking, and, we've decided that perhaps a ""panda"" isn't the best way to explain sexual harassment to children."
Woman,"You see, Mr. Morris, we believe that a panda doesn't really have anything to do with... sexual harassment.  At all."
Mr. Evans,...I'm afraid we're just going to have to let you go.
Petey,I'm a sa-a-a-a-ad panda.
Judge Julie,"Eric Cartman, it is the judgment of this court that you sexually harassed Pip Philip at school."
Cartman,No way!
Pip,I won!
Cartman,This is ridiculous!
Judge Julie,"You asked Pip to suck your... you know what. You must give Pip half your stuff, and the school must give Pip $1.6 million."
Principal Victoria,"Oh, dear God!"
Gerald,"Wow, I'm good!"
Judge Julie,Next!
Craig,This girl touched my thigh.
Judge Julie,"Half her belongings, school is sued for 2.1 million."
Principal Victoria,We're ruined!
Judge Julie,Next!
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, Your Honor, this young man commented on the shape of my ass."
Tweek,Guh!
Judge Julie,"Half his stuff, 2 million from the school."
Principal Victoria,Oh..!
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, let's all take our seats. We have a lot to learn today.  Oohh-kay. Uh, Clyde, can you tell me when Ulysses S. Grant was president?"
Clyde,Um...
Gerald,Don't answer that!
Mr. Garrison,"Uh, Craig, how about you?"
Craig,Um...  Okay. I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incinerate me.
Gerald,Incriminate.
Craig,Incriminate.
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, I'm having a real problem with you all having lawyers. It is really disrupting class time!  Uh huh. Ri-oh, uh oh, I see. Oh, okay. Ri-ight.  Kids, what I meant to say is that I fully condone you all having lawyers and support your legal recourses in every way. Now, let's get back to Ulysses S. Grant, if that's okay with you, uhum..."
Kevin,Let's trade sandwiches.
Chef,"Hello there, children!"
Boys,"Hey, Chef."
Chef,How's it going?
Stan,Bad.
Chef,"Well, they're about to get worse. All I can serve you for lunch is lumpy potatoes."
Cartman,"Lumpy potatoes?! Oh, no!"
Chef,"Sorry, children. All my funding's been cut."
Cartman,Oh my God! You guys have to do something!
Stan,"Chef, how can we stop all these sexual assment lawsuits?"
Chef,"I don't know, children.  Why don't you ask your dad? He's a lawyer, ain't he?"
Kyle,"I've tried talking to him, but he doesn't want the lawsuits to stop. He's making too much money."
Chef,"Well, somebody else has got to know all about this sexual harassment whosafudge."
Kyle,"Hey, what about that stupid panda?"
Stan,"Yeah, Sexual Harassment Panda. He's the one that started all this. We have to find him!"
Chef,"Well, I hope you do. Otherwise, it's lumpy potatoes from here on out."
Cartman,Noooo!
Mr. Evans,That's thirty-two more lawsuits in the past twenty-four hours.
Woman,Oh my God!
Mr. Evans,Looks like we'll have to cut all counseling and nutrition programs.
Woman,The children have started suing adults. They could sue us next.
Mr. Evans,"Holy smokes, you're right!"
Stan,"'Scuse me. We'd like to speak with Sexual Harassment Panda, please."
Mr. Evans,Ugh!  P-please! Don't sue us.
Kyle,Huh?
Man,We'll give you anything you want.
Stan,We want Sexual Harassment Panda.
Mr. Evans,"Oh! Well, uh... We had to let him go."
Cartman,What?!
Mr. Evans,"D'uh. I mean, he left."
Stan,"Well, where is he?!"
Woman,"We don't know! Honestly, I swear it! Please!! Let us go!"
Stan,What the hell is wrong with these people?!
Company rep,"Well. Uh, your credentials are very impressive, and you do seem to have a lot of ambition, uh but I'm afraid there's no room for you at our company at this time."
Petey,"It's because I'm a panda, isn't it?"
Company rep,"Well, i-it is because you're a panda. Euh, it's because you're a sexual harassment panda."
Petey,I can't help what I am.
Company rep,"Now, have you ever heard of a retreat called ""The Island of Misfit Mascots""?"
Petey,"Well, yes, but that place is for loser mascots that make no sense."
Company rep,"Well, uh, yes. They may be... just what you're looking for."
Petey,I don't have to sit here and listen to this! How would you like a big panda punch in your puss?!
Reporter,"As sexual harassment lawsuits increase all over the state, the mother of all trials is set to begin. The sexual harassment case of Everyone vs. Everyone begins tomorrow. No matter what the outcome, the public schools are sure to lose at least a whopping $30 million. Representing the side of Everyone is Gerald Broflovski, the lawyer from South Park who plans to make quite a commission. Representing the side of Everyone Else is Gerald Broflovski. So whatever the outcome, things look very bright for Kyle's dad. Personally, I think Kyle's dad is just a whore, taking advantage of everyone in town and...  This just in! Newscaster Kevin McCarty is being sued by Kyle's dad for slander. The newscaster has yet to be reached for comment. Wait..."
Jukebox,"Some days just seem lonelyStill, there don't seem to be no end in sight..."
Barkeep,Another scotch?
Jukebox,So I'll drive this ol' 18-wheeler down the highway...
Standing Patron,Hey! Panda bear!  We don't take kindly to your types in here.
Barkeep,"Now, calm down, Skeeter. He ain't hurtin' nobody."
Skeeter,"No!  I wanna know som'in' from Mr. Panda Bear here! If you pandas are from mountainous areas of China and Tibet, how come you eat bamboo, which is prone to grow only in drier, more arid regions?!"
Barkeep,"Sk-heeter, I don't want no trouble nu-how."
Petey,"It's okay. I get it. There's no room in the world for pandas. Well, you don't have to worry about me! I'm off to the Island of Misfit Mascots!"
Barkeep,"Damnit, Skeeter! How come every time a panda bear come in here you gotta go flappin' your jaw?"
Gerald,"Well? What do you think, Kyle?"
Kyle,Dad? Don't you think our last new house is big enough?
Gerald,"Well, this one is bigger!"
Kyle,"Tomorrow's trial, Everyone vs. Everyone, is gonna make things a lot worse! We have to stop it!"
Gerald,"Kyle, let me explain something to you."
Kyle,"Hoh God, here we go."
Gerald,"You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal, democratic society. And Democrats make sexual harassment laws. These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace. And what we can and can't do in the workplace."
Kyle,Isn't that fascism?
Gerald,"No, because we don't call it fascism. Do you understand?"
Kyle,Do you?
Gerald,"Just look at how big this house is, Kyle. Just look at it."
Stan,'Scuse me.
Barkeep,Yeah? What can I do for you?
Stan,Somebody told us they saw a big panda bear in here.
Barkeep,"Big panda bear, big panda bear, hm..."
Skeeter,Hey! Eight-year old! We don't take kindly to your types in here.
Barkeep,"Now, calm down, Skeeter. They ain't hurtin' nobody."
Skeeter,No!  I wanna know som'in' from Mr. I'm Eight Years Old here! How come you types are always wearin' them funny padded shirts in the winter?!
Stan,...Coats?
Barkeep,"Now, Skeeter, I don't want no trouble."
Patron with hat,We don't take kindly to your types around here!
Stan,"Dude, what the hell is going in?!"
Cartman,"Did you guys see a big panda bear in here, or not?"
Skeeter,We don't take kindly to panda bears!
Stan,"Well, we don't take kindly to you!"
Patron with hat,"Well, we don't take kindly to folks that don't take kindly around here."
Barkeep,"Kids, there was a panda bear in here. He said somethin' about the Island of Misfit Mascots."
Cartman,Where's that?
Barkeep,"If I'm not mistaken, it's over near the Jenkins' place."
Stan,"Come on, we'd better hurry."
Skeeter,Whoa! Lookie her!  Hey! Beautiful woman!  We don't take kindly to your types around here!
Barkeep,"Nu-how, Skeeter. She ain't hurtin' nobody."
Judge Julie,"This is Case No. 47g, Everyone vs. Everyone.  Representing the side of Everyone is Gerald Broflovski."
Gerald,"Thank you, Your Honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Everyone has committed a crime here, and Everyone must pay for that crime. My client, Everyone, has been hurt by this crime and must be compensated."
Stan,"""Island Of Misfit Mascots Commune"". This must be the place."
Worm,"Hello there, boys."
Stan,Whoa! Who are you?
Worm,"I'm Willy, the ""Don't Stare Directly Into The Sun"" Worm. Now, you boys know not to stare directly into the sun, right?"
Boys,Yes.
Willy,That can burn your retinas and make you blind.
Stan,"...Thanks a lot, dude."
Pig,"Oink oink! Be sure to run around with scissors, says Oinky, the ""Run Around With Scissors"" Pig."
Cartman,I thought you weren't supposed to run around with scissors.
Willy,That's why he's on the Island Of Misfit Mascots.
Stan,Have you seen any panda bears?
Willy,Hm...
Falcon,"Hey, kids! I'm Jimmy, the ""Don't Hold On To A Large Magnet While Someone Else Uses A Fan Nearby"" Falcon!"
Kyle,What??
Jimmy,"Here, watch."
Kenny,"(You guys, come get this fucking magnet noooowwww!)  (Argh--!)"
Jimmy,See?
Stan,Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
Kyle,You bastards!  Hey! There he is!
Petey,Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree?Sexual Harassment Panda
Stan,"Dude, are we glad to find you! You have to come back to South Park, quick!"
Petey,Why?
Kyle,"Because! Everyone is suing everyone else, and you're pretty much the cause of it all!"
Petey,Seems all I do now is cause trouble.
Badger,"Hello, kidsh, I'm Happy, the ""Don't Do Stuff That Might Irritate Your Inner Ear"" Badger.  Well, I'll leave now."
Stan,"Please, Sexual Harassment Panda. People listen to you. You have to get them to stop suing each other."
Petey,"But, I'm just a panda."
Kyle,"No you're not, dude! You're a guy in a panda costume!"
Willy,"Heeyy, I'm a real worm, pal!!"
Kyle,"Okay, sorry, sorry."
Cartman,"You're-you're a worm. That's that's cool, that's cool."
Stan,"Okay, yyou are a panda. But being Sexual Harassment Panda isn't helping anyone right now. You used to use your panda powers to teach people about sexual harassment. But now you need to teach a new message. A new massage that people will find useful again."
Petey,What message?
Kyle,That people shouldn't sue each other all the time.
Petey,...You know? You little cubs might just be right.
Willy,Yeah!
Petey,Okay!
Gerald,"Your honor, I'd like to make my closing arguments."
Kyle,Wait!
Mr. Garrison,"Hey, it's Sexual Harassment Panda."
Stan,"No! He's a whole new panda now, and he's got something to say."
Petey,"Hello, everyone. I'm Petey, the ""Don't Sue People"" Panda."
Jimbo,"""Don't Sue People"" Panda?"
Skeeter,Hey! We don't take kindly to folks that don't sue people 'round here!
Barkeep,"Nuhow, Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody."
Petey,"Listen to me: when you sue somebody, it hurts everyone. You sue for money, but where do you think that money comes from? From the schools, from taxes, from the state. From you.  There's no such thing as free money. When you sue somebody, you take money away from parks and schools and charities, and put it in your own pocket. And that makes me a sa-a-a-a-ad panda."
Bearded man,"I'm a sad panda, too."
Man 1,I'm a really sad panda. I didn't know we were doing all that damage. This is all that damn lawyer's fault!
Man 2,Yeah! Let's sue the lawyer!
All,Yeah!
Gerald,"No! Don't you see? Th-the panda's right. Boy, what a great message he has! When you sue people, you just end up causing a lot of problems for society. Uhwell, I've really learned something today. All I could see was the millions of dollars coming to me and I didn't care about where the money came from. Well, I'm no longer doing sexual harassment lawsuits in schools! They're too vague and two easily corruptible. Thank you, Sexual Harassment Panda!"
Petey,"""Don't Sue People"" Panda."
Gerald,"Yeah, well, whatever, sooo let's... not... sue anyone again. Okay, come on, guys. Let's go get some ice cream!"
Petey/Boys,Hooray!
Petey,Pandas love ice cream.
Judge Julie,"Well, seeing as we have no lawyers, I'm throwing the case out. Case dismissed!"
Skeeter,Hey! We don't take too kindly to cases being dismissed around here!
Barkeep,"God damnit, Skeeter, shut the hell up."
Petey,"Hello, cubs. I'm ""Don't Sue People"" Panda, with an important message for you! Lawsuits damage our society. I know it's tempting to make money, but just remember: that money has to come from somewhere. And usually, it ends up hurting a lot of innocent people. So, until next time, don't let frivolous sexual harassment lawsuits ruin our schools. Good-bye now."
Rumpertumskin,Heheheheh! Now I will kill the President and Salma Hayek!
Polly,"Oh, save me! Who will save me?"
Cartman,"I will! James West, cowboy and rap star!  Quick, Artemus Clyde Frog! We've got to save Salma Hayek!"
Clyde Frog,"If we save her, I am going to take off her pants and play Slip'N'Slide!"
Cartman,"Are you okay, Salma Hayek?"
Polly,"Yes, but I need to get out of here and eat some tacos and burritos. Me gusta tacos mucho!"
Rumpertumskin,"You cannot stop me, James West!"
Cartman,"Look out, Artemus Clyde Frog! It's a giant metal spider!  Bang! Bangbang!  Yoyoyo, jiggity jiggy with it! Bang bang bang!  We saved the day! The Wild Wild West, The Wild Wild Wild West. Uhyo wicky wicky scratch, Uh wicky wicky scratch..."
Liane,Eric.  The babysitter's here. Come on downstairs.
Cartman,"But mmmooom, I'm playing Wild Wild West."
Liane,"I have to leave soon, Eric."
Cartman,"But mom, me and Artemus Clyde Frog still have to do our love scene with Salma Ha-yek."
Liane,Come down as soon as you're done.
Cartman,"Well, I'm a badass cowboy living in a cowboy'sAge wicky wicky scratch yo yo bang bangMe and Artemus Clyde Frog go saveSalma Hayek from the big metal spiderWicky wicky wick, wicky wicky wick, FreshCowboy from the Westside-"
Liane,"Thank you so much for babysitting little Eric, Shelly."
Shelly,Okay.
Liane,All those other babysitters won't come back.
Shelly,"I charge $5 for the first hour, 5% bumps every hour after that up to six hours, which enters into golden time."
Liane,"Oh, that sounds fine. I'm going to a meteor shower party. The number where I'll be is on the refrigerator. Eric's nookie time is 9 o'clock sharp. If his little woogums get cold, you can turn up the heat over here. And if he gets cranky, just play tummy-rub-rubs with him, and make sure he wipes good after he makes bears."
Shelly,Bears?
Liane,Oh! And don't mind the cat. She's just being loud because she's in heat.
Kitty,Meowrowr!
Cartman,"No, Kitty! I don't have anything!"
Kitty,Meow rowrrowrrowrrowrrowr!
Cartman,"What the hell is wrong with you?! Stop it, Kitty!"
Kitty,Rowrrowrrowrrowrrowr!
Cartman,"No Kitty, that a bad God-damned kitty!"
Liane,"Okay, muffin. Mommy's leaving now. You do what the babysitter tells you, okay?"
Cartman,Uh-huh.
Liane,Be good.
Cartman,Right.
Liane,Come give Mommy Eskimo kisses!
Cartman,"Aw, Ma."
Liane,Eskimo kisses for Mom-my!
Cartman,Jesus Christ.
Liane,"Bye, kids."
Cartman,"Well, go put that pizza in the oven, bitch! I'm hungry!  Ow!"
Shelly,"Alright, turd, listen up! Now that your mom is gone, I'm in charge. I don't know how you treat your other babysitters, but when I'm babysitting, you're nothing but a little turd. You're a stinky dried-up stupid turd! Got it?!"
Cartman,You can't hit me! Didn't you see those nanny videos on TV?
Shelly,"My boyfriend is coming over, so you go to the kitchen, and you make us that pizza before I snap you in half like the little turd-stick you are!"
Cartman,You're not allowed to have people over!
Shelly,Move!
Cartman,This is bullcrap!  I can't reach the freezer!
Shelly,"Figure it out, turd!"
Cartman,"God damnit!  Shut up, Kitty!  Any problems, contact Eric's Mommy at 303... Aha!  I'm gonna call mom and tell her that the babysitter is having her boyfriend come over! Then we'll see who's the turd!"
Shelly,"...So I said, ""you're a little turd!"" and he w-"
Cartman,Damnit!
Shelly,"...But when you've seen one turd, you've seen them all.  ...stupid turd! The one night-"
Cartman,Ey! I need to use the phone!
Shelly,"Oh. Hold on a second, Carrie."
Cartman,Ey! Aaah! Uh-ow! Ah!
Shelly,I placed his underwear over his head.
Cartman,"I'm gonna get her, Kitty! Mark my words!!  SHUT THE HELL UP, KITTY!!"
Announcer,"And now, back to the movie of the week, Aliens."
Newt,"They mostly come at night, mostly."
Cartman,"They mostly come at night, mostly.  Ey, I was watching Aliens on TV!"
Shelly,"Well, I'm watching Friends, turd!  That's my boyfriend. Go answer the door while I make sure I don't have food in my braces."
Dude,"Hey there, is Shelly around?"
Cartman,Who the hell are you?
Dude,I'm the guy who's gonna put a boot up your ass if you don't tell me where Shelly is!
Shelly,"Hey, Skyler."
Cartman,You know this guy?
Shelly,He's my boyfriend!
Cartman,"Christ, he's like 50 years old!"
Shelly,He's 22!
Cartman,"Dude, that's not cool."
Shelly,You're a turd! You're the Turdman of Alcatraz!
Skyler,Ye Yeah-ha.
Cartman,"Dude, when my mom finds out that my babysitters have their boyfriends over, she mostly gets really mad, mostly.  Yaaah. Eeyy! Ey, God damnit!"
Shelly,"Turd wedgie. Come in the kitchen, Skyler. There's refreshments"
Announcer,"And now, back to Wild Animal World"
Host,"Here in the more arid regions of Africa, the gold-coat lions are in the throes of mating season.  The male lion positions himself behind the female and prepares to insert his lionhood. Notice his large swollen balls.  The female lion relaxes her body and says ""hello"" to Mr. Winky.  The male lion is enticed by the female's supple breasts and firm backside.  Quickly and suddenly, the male is finished. Now he wants to be alone, so he kindly asks the female to leave. He promises he'll call her tomorrow. But the female doesn't leave. Nope, she's moving right in. Looks like the male lion... is screwed."
Skyler,Mmmmm.
Shelly,"No, Skyler. Quit it."
Skyler,"Come on, babe. How long have we known each other?"
Shelly,Eight days tomorrow.
Skyler,And I still don't get any action.
Shelly,"I don't know, Skyler. It's just kind of strange to me that you're 22 and all."
Skyler,But I'm still in high school. I told you: I'm a very immature 22-year old.
Shelly,"Well, maybe just one kiss."
Skyler,Mmmmm
Cartman,"Hey, what are you doing?"
Skyler,"Beat it, chubby!"
Shelly,"Go on, Astroturd!"
Skyler,Mmmmm
Cartman,I'm gonna tell my mom on you.
Shelly,Turd Rock From the Sun!
Cartman,Ey! You ate all the pizza!
Shelly,We left you some crusts!
Cartman,"That does it! I'm calling my mom right now, and bustin' your ass!"
Shelly,"Guess again, Richard the Turd!"
Cartman,Give me that phone number!
Skyler,"Come on, babe. Let's go to the living room."
Cartman,I am not gonna be bossed around by a chick!  Maybe I'll just use my Wild Wild West techniques and get proof that Shelly had a boyfriend over.
Kitty,Meow.
Cartman,"God damnit, Kitty, you have to calm down! Here, I'll get you some catnip."
Kitty,Meow.
Cartman,"Okay, okay, hold on, I'm finding the catnip."
Kitty,Meowrowrowrowrowrowrowrowr.
Skyler,Red Rocket spills my icy soul.Demons from Hell seek the chosen one!
Shelly,"You're such an amazing poet, Skyler."
Skyler,"Isn't this guitar awesome? It's the best of its kind, and not a scratch on it."
Shelly,"Skyler, not here."
Skyler,I can't help it. I see your pretty lips and I want to kiss them.
Shelly,Really?
Skyler,"I cherish you, almost as much as I cherish my guitar."
Shelly,Wow!
Skyler,"When I make it to the big time, I'm gonna take you shopping, and buy you lots of badass stuff."
Shelly,"O Skyler, I love you."
Skyler,Mmmmm.
Shelly,What the-?
Cartman,"Aha, charade you are! Looks like you're the turd now!"
Shelly,Give me that picture!
Cartman,Aaaaa!  Yes!
Shelly,"Open this door, Turdledove!"
Cartman,I think not! I'm gonna show this picture to my mom when she gets home!
Shelly,Your mom doesn't get home for three more hours! That's plenty of time for me to make a turd sandwich out of you.
Shelly,"Give me that picture, turd!"
Cartman,You're never gonna get this picture! Not until my mom comes home and I can prove you had a boyfriend over heuh!
Shelly,I'm gonna bust this door down!
Cartman,"What should we do, Artemus Clyde Frog?"
Clyde,We've got to get that picture to your mom so that she will come home and save us.
Cartman,"Oh, that's quick thinking, Artemus Clyde Frog.  Listen very carefully, Mr. Kitty. I am putting this picture of the babysitter and her boyfriend on your collar.  You have to take this picture to Mommy, Kitty, so that she can come home and save me.  Now run, Kitty. Take this picture to Mommy, and lead her back here. When you return, be sure to bring Mom in through the back door. Hurry, Kitty! You're my only hope!  That's it! That's it, Mr. Kitty!"
Kitty,Meow. Meow.
Cartman,Oh! God damnit!
Shelly,Who is that?!
Skyler,"Oh, I invited the guys in the band over, so that we can practice."
Shelly,"Skyler, your band can't practice here."
Skyler,"Hey, do you want me to make it or not?! Don't stand between me and my dreams, babe!  'Sup Mark?  'Sup up. Jonesy?"
Shelly,Just keep the volume down! I have to go deal with Turdboy.
Cartman,Hey! Who was that?! Who came to the door?!
Shelly,Hey Eric! Your mom's been in an accident!
Cartman,You just want me to open the door!
Shelly,We need to run over to the hospital and identify her body! We'll be right back.
Cartman,What?? Ih- is she okay?
Shelly,Not really. She's dead.
Cartman,Huh?!
Shelly,Haha! That was a turd trick. Your mom isn't really dead!
Cartman,"Aha! I knew it was a turd trick, and I opened the door because Mr. Kitty is on his way right now to my mom's party with the picture!"
Shelly,"HAha! I knew you sent the cat, and that's why I went outside and got him!"
Cartman,"Haaha! I saw you get the picture back from Mr. Kitty, and that's why I wrote a letter to the press! To be opened in the case of my demise! Should anything happen to me, that letter will go out, and you will never find it!"
Shelly,You mean this one?
Cartman,"O-kay! Let's see heuh. Haha! Um... Aw, damnit!  AAAAH!"
Skyler,"Okay, check check, check, 1, 2, check. Okay, ready? All right, let's try the new song. This is a song I wrote for you, Shelly. 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4When I saw her walking down the street, I thought she was Shelly, Shelly."
Cartman,"Aw, man, you guys suck."
Skyler,"Now that we're together I'm absolutely sure that she's Shelly, Shelly."
Cartman,You're the crappiest band I have ever heard!
Skyler,"Move into my mom's house with me, Shelly Shelly"
Kitty,"Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow."
A cat,Meow.  Meow.
Kitty,Meow?
A cat,Meow.
Skyler,Bridge!I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United Statesof ShellyShelly!
Cartman,"Oh my God, somebody shoot me in the head!"
Skyler,"Ey, shut up, tubby!"
Cartman,"Don't call me fat! Now, you guys are not supposed to be in heuh!  You get out now and respect my authoritah!  Ow!"
Kitty,Meow?
A cat,Meow.
Kitty,Meow?
A cat,Meow.
Kitty,Meow?
A cat,Meow.
Kitty,Meow?
A cat,Meow. Meow. Meow.
Skyler,"Yah, dude, that was hot. This guitar rocks, man! It rocks! What do you think, Shelly?"
Shelly,Honestly? I think you guys need some work.
Mark,"Oh, really?!"
Shelly,I just think your sound is kind of... last week.
Jonesy,"Oh, I'd like to see you do any better, bitch!"
Shelly,"Well, I do have a song I wrote."
Skyler,"O-kay, why don't you sing it for us?"
Shelly,"Nnno, Skyler, I'm embarrassed!"
Skyler,"Hey man, don't be shy."
Shelly,"Uhwwell, okay.  I'll try. But I'm not promising anything. 1, 2, 3, 4So much pain in the world today.Too many turds are headin' my way.But we can press our turds together.Passing by turds whenever."
Skyler,Don't you know? Isn't...
Shelly,"Life so full of happiness?Feel free to mark my words.But me and you, will my love doin a world that's full of turds? TURDS!llama judgin finger-lovin' turds. TURDS!"
Cartman,Mom! The babysitter has her boyfriend over!
Liane,"No no no, that's impossible, hon. I told her: no visitors."
Cartman,"Well, there's a whole crappy band here!  Can you hear them? Here. Can you hear them?"
Liane,"This party is very loud, boopy-kins. You'll have to speak up."
Cartman,Damnit! Her boyfriend's here! Don't you believe me?!
Liane,"Not really, hon.  Mom has to go now! I'll be home in about an hour!  Oh! Oh, Mr. Mackey!"
Mr. Mackey,"Mhm, mkay?"
Cartman,I'll never be able to prove that son of a bitch was here!  My Speak and Record bear. Of course.
Shelly,In a world that's full of turds. TURDS!
Mark,"Dude, this is gay!"
Skyler,Shut up!
Mark,You shut up! Your girlfriend is not joining our band!
Jonesy,"Yeah, dude. What the hell is wrong with you, anyway? She's like, 12."
Skyler,"You guys, get out! Don't question my love! My love is as pure as morning snow! Get out, I said!"
Kitty,Rowr!  (Rowrowrowrowr!)
Oragne cat,Rowr!
Kitty,Rowr.  Hrowr!
Oragne cat,Geuugh.
Kitty,Meowr!  Meowuh!  Oh meah!
Cartman,"Testing, testing, 1 2.  Sweet."
Shelly,"We're going outside to watch a meteor shower! I'm locking you in your room 'til we get back in, turd!"
Cartman,Okay. See you in a while.
Shelly,Wha-?
Cartman,"Will you tell me what they look like? The meteor shower. They mostly come every few years, mostly."
Shelly,What the hell is wrong with you?! How come you're not yelling and whining?!
Cartman,"Well, I just, I kind of like having you around."
Shelly,What?! No you don't!
Cartman,"No. Um seriously. See, I never had a brother or a sister. I think people that have a brother or a sister don't realize how lucky they are. Sure, they fight a lot, but you know there's always somebody there, somebody that's family.  I wonder if, well, maybe sometimes, I could pretend like you're my big sister. And you could kind of, watch over me. You know, like, we could watch a meteor shower together sometime. Heh, and I could pretend I'm somebody's brother, if only for a day."
Shelly,"...Oh, all right, get your turd coat. You can come see the meteor shower with us."
Cartman,"Yuh, you mean it?"
Shelly,But don't bug me and Skyler! Come on!
Cartman,"Hooray!  Yes. I'm gonna have your and your boyfriend's voices on my Speak and Record bear, and then you'll mostly never babysit me again! Mostly."
Cartman,"Yes, yes, what a beautiful night! It is Saturday the 12th at 10:45, and my mother is away at a party right now."
Shelly,"Shut up, turd!"
Cartman,"That, of course, is the voice of my babysitter, Shelly Marsh, who is twelve."
Shelly,What are you doing?
Cartman,"I'm just thinking out loud.  Do you have anything to say, Skyler, Shelly's boyfriend who is sitting right heuh?"
Shelly,"Go away, turd!"
Cartman,"I'm sorry. Did you say something, Skyler?  Agh!"
Kitty,Meow
Skyler,Yeah! Come on! Give it up!
Shelly,No.
Skyler,"Give it up, babe!"
Shelly,NO!
Skyler,"Come on, babih!"
Shelly,"No, Skyler, I'm not putting out for you!"
Skyler,Why the hell not?!
Shelly,'Cause I'm twelve!
Skyler,You're not putting out for me?
Shelly,No!
Skyler,"Well then, screw you, bitch! I've got plenty of other girlfriends that will!"
Shelly,What?? But I thought you liked me.
Skyler,"If you're not puttin' out, then I'm movin' on! There's plenty of chicks like you out there!  Screw you, prude bitch! Me and my badass guitar are going home! Hasta!"
Cartman,Gotcha!
Cartman,"Oh yeah! Oh yeah!Oh wicky wicky Wild West!Shelly, guess who's busted!  Hey! I said, guess who's busted!  Eh, you're not gonna trick me, I've got the goods on you!"
Shelly,I don't care.  He acted like he really liked me. Nobody's ever liked me before.  I can't believe I trusted him. I'm so stupid.
Cartman,"Well, Shelly, he's 22. What, what were you doing with him anyway?"
Shelly,Nobody my age would go out with me 'cause I'm too ugly.
Cartman,You're not ugly.
Shelly,You don't think so?
Cartman,"Well, you're pretty ugly, but, you don't have to be dating 22-year olds. I mean, what kind of scumbag asshole dates 12-year old girls?"
Shelly,You're right! He is a scumbag! I wish I could get him back! I just don't know how.
Cartman,"Weh-hull, I could ask Artemus Clyde Frog. He would know."
Shelly,Huh?
Cartman,"If you want, I could help you."
Shelly,Really? You would do that?
Cartman,Just let me get my cowboy hat.
Kitty,Mreow? Mreow? Mreow!
Skyler,What the hell is this?!
Polly,Help me! Help me! This is Salma Hayek. Is anybody there?
Skyler,"Salma Hayek? Whoa, she's hot."
Cartman,"Okay, it's clear."
Polly,"Over here! Please, come quick!"
Cartman,We don't have much time!
Shelly,This won't take me long!
Cartman,Hurry up in there!
Shelly,I'm almost done.
Skyler,"Hello-o? Hello-o, Mrs. Hayek?"
Polly,Over here! Please help me! I am lost and I have no clothes!
Skyler,"No clothes, right."
Polly,I'm over here! Please help me! I will reward you greatly!
Skyler,"Right here, Miss Hayek!"
Polly,"Oh, please help me!"
Skyler,What the?
Polly,Please help me! I will give you tacos!
Skyler,"Dude, somebody tricked me! I'll make you pay for making me come out here, God damnit!  Stupid asshole stuffed animals trying to ruin my night!  My guitar! NOOOOO!"
Cartman,That was sooo cool! I wish we could've seen his face!
Shelly,"Thanks for all your help, Eric. You know, as far as turds go, you're okay."
Cartman,Oh my God!
Shelly,They're having a cat orgy!
Cartman,"You are all very bad kitties! That is a bad, bad kitty!"
Shelly,Your mom's gonna get home soon. We're gonna get busted!
Cartman,"Come on, kitties. Outside. Come on.  That's it. Come on, come on.  Uh oh."
Skyler,"You two ruined my career! I'm gonna get you!  Umph  Ogh! Oh! Owey! Owwey! Duewy! Oh!  Oh, you ripped my pants off! Oh my God! Oohh my Goodd!"
Shelly,"Come on! We've got to get the house clean before your mom gets home.  You know, Eric. It's kind of cool that two people who hated each other can be friends."
Cartman,Yeah. I think we get along okay.
Liane,"Hi, kids. I'm home."
Cartman,Heh.  Mom! Uh I can explain. It was all Shelly's fault! She didn't watch the cat!
Shelly,No! It's Eric's fault. He let those cats in here.
Liane,"Oh, what a party that was!  Hmm-hm-hm-hmm. Hmm-hm-hm-hmm."
Shelly,"Wow, she passed out."
Cartman,"Luckily for us, my mom is a total lush."
Shelly,"Well, let's clean up the house. Looks like everything turned out o-kay."
Cartman,That's how it goes in the Wild Wild West.
Cartman,"Well, I'm a badass cowboy living in a cowboy'sAge, wicky wicky scratch yo yo bang bangMe and Artemus Clyde Frog go saveSalma Hayek from the big metal spiderWicky wicky wick, wicky wicky wick, FreshCowboy from the Westside.Wicky wicky scratch yo yo bang bangMe and Artemus Clyde Frog go saveSalma Frog Polly Prissy Pants go down to...Well... mm-Rumpertumskin."
Stan,I don't want to go to this stupid party!
Randy,"Come on, Stan, you're gonna have a great time."
Stan,"No, you guys are gonna have a great time! Whenever there's a party, the adults get to hang out and have fun while the kids spend the night locked in the basement eating stale pretzels."
Randy,"Well, your mom and I don't get out much, so you'll just have to bear through it."
Mr. Mackey,"Hello! Welcome, hmkay? This is already a wild party, hm."
Randy,"Yeah, well uh, sorry we had to bring the kid along. We had nowhere else to put him."
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, that's okay. I've got a special kids' room down in the basement."
Stan,Awww!
Mr. Mackey,"Be sure to help yourselves to the crab soufflé, and uh, eh, Juanita?  Juanita?  We need some more finger sandwiches?"
Stan,I don't wanna hang out in the kids' room. I won't know anybody
Randy,"Well, it would be good for you to make new friends. You can't just hang out with your buddy Kyle all the time. People will think you guys are, you know, funny. Now I bet you'll have a great time."
Mr. Mackey,"Here you go, it's right in here."
Randy,"We'll be upstairs if you need anything, Stan."
Stan,Dad! You can't leave me here! These guys are total Melvins!
Sharon,"You have fun, Stanley."
Stan,"No! Mom, please! They're the geekiest kids at our school!"
Mr. Mackey,We'll come get you kids when the meteor shower starts.
Pip,"Cheerio, Stahan. I do say it's quite a nice surprise seeing you here."
Stan,"Shut up, Pip."
Butters,"Hey, Stan. Why I-I-I sure am glad you're here, 'cause then we'll have even more fun than we, why, than we was havin' before. Why, we wuh, we were havin' an awfully good time before you showed up, too, however."
Stan,"Butters, is there any way out of here?"
Butters,"Nope. No way out. Buh, but there ain't nothin' upstairs but an old, stupid party anyways. It's better down here in the kids' room.  Uh, this here is Dougie. He's not too old, but he sure is a hoot to hang with. Uhuh, he's in first grade, I think."
Dougie,I like math.
Stan,Oh my God.
Pip,We were just playing a game called Wickershams and Ducklers. Do you want to play?
Stan,No.
Pip,"I'm the head Wickerknicker. And you are all little Wickershams  We all sing the merry tune of Stratford until I yell, ""Turrah!"" and then you all fall down laughing, and I join you, as I find it funny too. Stan, would you be the Wickersham of Brumble Briar?  And all right, here we go. Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la."
All three,"Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la. Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la."
Mr. Garrison,"Great party, Mr. Mackey. Mr. Hat just grabbed Principal Victoria's ass.  No! Mr. Hat, you get back here!"
Mr. Mackey,Anyone for some meteor mai tai punch? It packs quite a wallop.
Sharon,"Oh, I'll pass. I don't drink hard alcohol."
Mr. Mackey,Come on! Loosen up! Meteor showers only come once in a great while.
Randy,"One little drink isn't going to hurt anything, honey. Come on, live a little."
Sharon,"Well, it is kind of a special night. I guess I could... experiment."
Randy,"Yeah, experiment."
All three,"Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la."
Pip,"Wickersham tally-ho ugh.  Are you sure you don't want to play, Stanley?"
Stan,Yes.
Dougie,What are you? A sourpuss?
Butters,"Uhuh, you uh really oughta play, Stan. It's an awfully fun game. Ah I've never been to England, but uh I'll bet the people there are really nice.  Are people nice in England, Pip? I bet they are, huh?  They got those thick noses and all."
Pip,"Hey, look at this!"
Butters,Uh what is it? Is it something neat? Uh I wonder what it could be.
Pip,It's a box filled with ladies' clothes.
Dougie,Neato.
Butters,"Hey, you know what we could do with these lady clothes, huh? Wuh-y why we could play Charlie's Angels."
Stan,"Oh, dude, you've gotta be kidding me."
Pip,"Yes, let's! Can I be Jaclyn Smith? Can I?"
Butters,"No, uh I get to be Jaclyn Smith. See, uh I thought of Charlie's Angels, and I get to be Jaclyn Smith 'cause I thought of it."
Pip,"Oh, this sounds as much fun as Wickershams and Ducklers! Come on, Angels. Let's get dressed.  Which ladies' garments would you like, Stan?"
Stan,"Dude, I'm not putting on ladies' clothes, and I'm not playing Charlie's Angels! You guys are Melvins, and I'm not one of you! So you go ahead and be Melvins, and leave me alone!"
Pip,Well.  Alrighty then.
Mr. Mackey,Here it is. I just had the hot tub put in last week.
Gerald,"Wow, neat!"
Sheila,It looks quite inviting.
Mr. Mackey,"Yeah, you can get a lot of action when you have a hot tub."
Sharon,"Oh Mr. Mackey, you nut."
Randy,"Hell, we should get in."
Gerald,Yeah.
Mr. Mackey,"Sure, go ahead. It's a-it's a party, isn't it? Mkahy?"
Sharon,"Oh, I'm not hot-tubbing. I have nothing to wear."
Mr. Mackey,"Hm huheh, that's okay."
Sheila,No hot tub for me!
Gerald,"Well, screw you guys!"
Randy,"I'm getting in for a while, too.  Geronimo!"
Sharon,"Oh, look at our boys, Sheila.  It's just like they're in college again."
Pip,"Okay, Angels, what's our mission this week?"
Butters,"Well, I don't know what our mission is. Do you know what our mission is, little first-grade kid?"
Dougie,How should I know?
Pip,"Oh, dear. We're Charlie's Angels, but we don't have a mission."
Butters,"Hey, that's because we need Bosley. Uh Bosley always told the Angels what their mission was. Remember Bosley? Wah uhwhy uhwhy we need somebody to be Bosley."
Stan,What?
Pip,"Well, we hate to trouble you, Stan, but would you mind terribly being Bosley for us?"
Stan,What do I have to do?
Butters,"Uh you just got- you just gotta tell us what our mission is, that's all. That's all Bosley does. Just give a mission, and us Angels will accomplish it."
Stan,"Alright, alright. Here's your mission. In ten minutes this room is gonna fill up with water and drown everybody. You have to find me a way out of this room, fast."
Pip,"Oh, that's a splendid mission!"
Butters,"Well, what are we waitin' for? We've gotta find a way out of this room, by golly, or else we're gonna get drowned. Come on, Angels!"
Dougie,Which Angel am I again?
Randy,"Oh boy, it's nice to have a night out without the kids, huh?"
Gerald,"Yeah, I know what you mean."
Randy,"I love havin' a family and all. I just... miss being able to party. Drinking and socializing, and experimenting with all kinds of different things."
Gerald,"Well, that's what being young is all about. Once you have a family and a career, your experimenting days are over. But tonight is the exception; that's why I'm gonna smoke this cigar.  Only 'cause I've never smoked before."
Randy,Good idea.
Gerald,What haven't you tried that you've always wanted to try?
Randy,"Hohn.  Um, I don't know. Maybe I'll drink a few more beers and see where the party takes me."
Gerald,Yeah! ...Was that your leg?
Randy,"Huh? Oh, you mean, this?"
Gerald,Yeah.
Randy,"Yeah. That, that was me."
Pip,Bosley! Bosley!
Stan,"What, Pip?"
Pip,Oh no no no. My name is Sabrina Duncan. Remember? We're playing Charlie's Angels.
Stan,What the hell do you want?!
Pip,"Well, we've completed our mission. Jill found a way upstairs."
Stan,You did?
Dougie,Air shaft.
Butters,"Dougie pushed that big box out of the way and found this old ventilation duct. And I reckon it's got to lead somewhere, and and it's good 'cause, uh 'cause now we won't drown."
Pip,"So Bosley, what's our next mission?"
Stan,We're going upstairs.
Butters,Upstairs? Uhwhy why there's ain't nothin' upstairs but adults. Uhwhy would we want to go upstairs for?
Stan,"Because, you stupid Melvins, they have rad food and desserts upstairs!"
Randy,"Hey, did you see Principal Victoria in there? She looks hot."
Gerald,She sure does. I wouldn't mind takin' that home.
Randy,"O-hoh, yehah, I'm sure your wife would love that."
Gerald,I wish. That's the one thing I've always thought of experimenting with. A threesome.
Randy,With two girls or two guys?
Gerald,"Huh, well, two girls, of course! I mean ...with another guy, you know, that'd be..."
Randy,"You, you never have a homosexual fantasy? Not that I have."
Gerald,You haven't?
Randy,"No, I mean... Well, they say everybody has at some point, don't they?"
Gerald,"Well, I never really wanted to experiment with anything too crazy. You know... maybe just... I don't know... masturbate in front of another guy."
Randy,"Yeah well, that, that's not really ...gay, is it?"
Gerald,"NO, no, uh I don't think so."
Randy,...Well it is a night for experimenting.
Gerald,Sure is.
Randy,"Okay, I'll start."
ATF lead,This must be the place. They've got all kinds of crazy stuff going on in there.
ATF agent,Code 7. We believe we have found the compound. Request immediate backup.
Barbrady,"Okay, so just what is going on here, people?"
ATF lead,Get down!
Barbrady,What?
ATF lead,"It's just like we told you, officer! There's a religious cult in there that plans to commit mass suicide when the meteor shower starts."
Barbrady,Are you sure?
ATF lead,"Of course we're sure!  We're the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms! It's our job to know what these fanatics do!"
Barbrady,So what does the ATF do when religious fanatics are gonna commit mass suicide?
ATF lead,"Oh, don't worry! We won't let that happen! Even if it means we have to kill each and every one of them."
ATF lead,What's the situation?
ATF agent,"Apparently, we've got at least five dozen men and women in there who intend to commit suicide when the meteor shower starts."
ATF lead,Any luck talking to somebody in the house?
ATF agent,"We've tried calling, but there's no answer. I think we're gonna have to move in, sir."
ATF lead,Alright. Johnson!
Johnson,Sir!
ATF lead,I'm sending you in. Watch your ass.
Johnson,"Yes, sir!"
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, come on in. Join the party, mkay?  Would you like a meteor mai tai?"
Johnson,"Heeey, I love mai tais!"
Pip,"We did it! Great job, Angels!"
Butters,"So what's our mission now, huh Bosley? Uh wha what do you want us to do now, I wonder?"
Stan,"Alright, Angels. Uh, your next job is to get Bosley some cookies and a TV set."
Pip,"What kind of cookies do you want, Bosley?"
Stan,"I don't care, just hurry!"
Butters,"Well, hooray!"
Gerald,So uh. Well. That was certainly... interesting.
Randy,...Yeah.
Gerald,"Uh, you don't regret doing it now, do you?"
Randy,"No no. ...Wuh what's there to regret, right? I mean..., all we did was watch each other ...masturbate. That's that's not gay or anything. We said so, right?"
Gerald,Thuh that's right. It's just harmless experimenting.
Randy,"Well, let's get back into the party and see what everyone is doing."
Gerald,"Hey.  Nothing changes between us, right? I mean, we're still friends."
Randy,Um... Yeah yeah sure sure.
ATF lead,"Damn it, where is Johnson?!"
ATF agent,"No communication, sir. It doesn't look good for him."
ATF lead,Those bastards!
Man,"Great party, Mr. Mackey. Thank you so much."
Mr. Mackey,"Well, are you sure you have to leave so early?"
Woman,"We both have to be up early tomorrow, but thanks again."
Mr. Mackey,"Mkay. Drive carefully, mkay?"
ATF lead,"Hold it right there! Whatever it is you are intending to do, do not do it!  Your freaky religious cult will not succeed in its plan!"
Man,What?
ATF lead,"Do not move, or we will be forced to shoot-  God damn it, who was that?!  Did you see them move?!"
Agent 1,...I did.
Agent 2,Yah.
Agent 3,"Yeah, they moved alright."
Jimbo,"Well, I tell you what: we may not have Elway this year, but Brister won every game he started in last year."
Burly man,"Eh that's true, but Elway was the heart of the team. Who's the leader now?"
Blond man,I think the Jets are gonna be the team to beat this year in the AFC.
Randy,"Yeah. Hey uh, if you watch another guy masturbate, does that make you gay?"
Jimbo,...What??
Randy,"Well I just... I have this buddy, uh, he, sat and watched another guy ...play with himself."
Burly man,Well... Let's go kick his ass!
Other men,Yeah!
Jimbo,Where is he?!
Randy,"Oh he, he lives in, like, Florida."
Burly man,Aw!
Gerald,"Hey, Randy. What are you doing?"
Randy,Nothing. Uh. I'm gonna go get some chips.
Gerald,Can I come with you?
Randy,Okay.
Butters,"Come right on in here, Bosley. Huhwell, it was my idea.  Uh I got to thinkin', ""Wuh, where do people keep TV sets?"" and then I remembered that lots of grownups have TV's ih in their bedrooms. So, so I walked into Mr. Mackey's bedroom and er and sure enough, here it was."
Stan,Rad!
Pip,"Okay, Bosley, we got you cookies and a TV set. So what's our next mission?"
Stan,There are no more missions. I have everything I want.
Butters,Wwe ain't got no more missions? Uhwhawhat are we supposed to do? We're Angels. Whawhat do Angels do without a mission?
Stan,Just... play something else! God!
Pip,Oh dear. We've angered Bosley.
Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing in front of a house where a religious cult is planning to commit mass suicide when the meteor shower starts."
Stan,"Whoa, cool!"
Dougie,I wanna be a reporter someday.
Reporter,"Just moments ago, a couple emerged from the house.  According to the ATF, the couple refused to cooperate, then pulled out very big guns and started shooting everyone. The ATF had no choice but to shoot the insane couple, and now a standoff has ensued."
Pip,"Oh, looks like that cult is about to be blown into tiny bits."
Reporter,The ATF commander tells us that he has reason to believe there may be children inside and that they are the primary concern of all. There are choppers here along with several tanks.  The commander is very concerned about what the mood is inside.
Stan,Wait a minute  Oh my God!  Dude! That's this house. They think our parents are the religious cult!
Dougie,Do you think someday I can be a reporter?
Reporter,We just received a photo from the recon team of the action inside the house  showing evidence that there are indeed innocent children trapped inside. Those sick cult fanatic bastards!
Stan,Dude!
Butters,"Hey, uhour parents aren't religious fantastics. Why, we gotta tell them that they're makin' an awful mistake, don't we?"
Pip,"Yes. Come on, Angels. Looks like we have a new mission."
Gerald,"Randy, you're making me feel unimportant. Talk. Talk, damn you."
Randy,I'm just having a hard time with what we did in the hot tub.
Gerald,"So, so now we can't be friends?"
Randy,"I didn't say that. I mean, I don't know, I... I just feel so strange. I know it's ridiculous, but I can't help feeling like people here know. You know? Like, even though nobody could know, 'cause we said we'd never tell anybody."
Gerald,We said we'd never tell anybody?
Randy,"Well, of course we wouldn't."
Gerald,"Oh, uh I didn't realize that."
Randy,"Yuh... You didn't ...tell anybody, did you?"
Gerald,"Well, uh uh a few people, yeah."
Randy,What?! Why the hell would you do that?!
Gerald,You didn't say not to tell anyone.
Randy,"Well, of course! I thought it would be implied! When you masturbate with another guy in a hot tub, you assume that nobody is gonna tell anybody!"
Gerald,Listen to you. You're yelling at me; you've never yelled at me before.
Randy,AAAW!!
Stan,Hey you guys! We've got a big problem!  The ATF is outside and they think you're all a religious cult. You've gotta go talk to them.
Butters,"Huh how come they're actin' that way, Stan, huh? Uh how come they're laughin' and fallin' down and such?"
Stan,"Mom, go look outside."
Sharon,Mommy's little boopie-kins
Butters,"Uh let me handle this, Stan.  Uh now l-listen up and listen good, everyone! Why, I'm awful disappointed in you drinkin' and carryin' on this way! Why you uhyou should be ashamed of yourselves! Uh if you don't get outside right now, and tell those army guys you're not religious fantastics, there's, why there's gonna be heck to pay. Uh, heck, I tell ya!"
Stan,"Come on, we're gonna have to go tell 'em ourselves."
ATF lead,Lay down your weapons!
Stan,We don't have any weapons.
ATF lead,"Go back inside and tell everyone that they are surrounded! Tell them to come out peacefully, and we will not shoot them."
Butters,Whoa!
Stan,Get back inside!
ATF lead,I don't think they're gonna come out. Use the Ganz technique.
Barbardy,What's the Ganz technique?
ATF lead,"This is what we did in Waco.  Play really bad music really loud until it drives them nuts and makes them want to come out.  Nobody can stand this much Cher. This is her new album. If this doesn't drive them out, nothing will."
Mr. Garrison,"That's great music, Mr. Mackey. What is that?"
Mr. Mackey,Uh this is Cher. This is her new album.
Mr. Garrison,"Well, hell, turn it up."
Goateed man,"Yeah, well, you know what I heard? I I heard that he's gay."
Other man,"Oh, is he?"
Randy,Who?!
Goateed man,Huh?
Randy,"Who who did you hear is, is gay?!"
Goateed man,"Ricky Martin, the singer."
Randy,Oh.
Gerald,"Hey, Randy, what's up?"
Randy,What the hell is that supposed to mean?!
Gerald,Huh?
Randy,Ssh-shouldn't you be hangin' out with your wife right now?
Gerald,Wulluh uh I just felt like talkin' to you.
Randy,There's nothing to talk about.
Gerald,"You're having regrets, aren't you?"
Randy,"No, I-... I don't know."
Gerald,Hey. Talk to me.
Randy,No!
Gerald,I thought we agreed what happened in the hot tub wouldn't change our relationship.
Randy,Will you stop it?! I don't... I just...
Gerald,"Hey, Mr. Withdrawn, you might not need to talk about it, but I sure do."
Randy,"Aaww!  Sharon?  Sharon, cuh can we go?"
Sharon,Go?? The meteor shower hasn't even started yet.
Randy,"Uh I know, but I want to make love to you right now. I have to make love to you right now."
Sharon,"Randy, relax. We don't ever get to party. Now come on! Loosen up! Experiment!"
Randy,"Ogh, I already did."
Stan,"Dad! Dad, they shot at us."
Randy,"Not now, Stanley."
Stan,Mom!
Sharon,Whoopee!
Butters,"Hey, what are we gonna do, huh?! Ughuh uh they shot at us! They really shot at us! They, they ain't gonna stop until we're all dead, I betcha. Huh us and all our families."
Stan,"Get a hold of yourself, man!"
Butters,"How come you slapped my face, Stan, huh? Why uhwhy on earth would you do that, anyways?"
Stan,Come on. We have to find out what's happening.
Reporter,"I'm standing now with Danny Ganz, the commander of the ATF. Commander, what is the latest?"
Ganz,"We have not had any cooperation with the cult inside the house. They are refusing to come out, and apparently they still plan to commit mass suicide once the meteor shower starts, which should be any moment now."
Dougie,See how reporters get to wear those cool jackets? That's why I wanna be a reporter.
Reporter,"So what are your plans, commander?"
Ganz,"Right now, our plan is to burn the house down. If we set it on fire, they'll have no choice but to come out."
Butters,"Oh dear God, they're gonna set us on fire. Uhoh, great Jesus, son of Mary, wife of Joseph, what are we gonna do, huh? Huhoh, sweet Joseph, husband of Mary but not father of sweet Jesus-"
Stan,Sh!
Reporter,"Setting them on fire seems a little dangerous, commander."
Ganz,"It is, but we can't let them kill themselves."
Stan,We have to let them know that this isn't a cult party.
Pip,But we can't. They'll just shoot at us again.
Butters,"Uhuh, they're gonna burn us up and act like nothin' happened. Oh, sweet Jesus, Mary, mother of Jesus, wife of Joseph, father to Mary, well- Wait. Mary, wife uh... Oh, hold on."
Stan,"Come on, Angels. We've got a new mission. And this time, it's for real."
Reporter,"For hours now, the ATF has tried to communicate with the religious fanatics inside this house. The meteor shower is expected to begin at any moment, and so time is running out."
Mackey,"Hoh, look. Harold's doing it again, hm huh hnmkay?"
Dougie,"This is Jill Munroe reporting live from inside the meteor shower party.  As you can see, this is a perfectly normal party. Nobody is killing themselves. We tried to tell ATF people, but they shot at us.  Anything else?"
Stan,Tell them not to burn us down.
Dougie,"Oh yeah. Don't burn us, please. Jill Munroe, GFN news."
Pip,Now what do we do?
Stan,Now we find a way to get this tape to the real reporters.
Dougie,"Hey, I'm a real reporter."
Stan,"You're right. You are, Dougie. You did an awesome job."
Ganz,"Attention, cult people! Do not commit mass suicide! There are so many reasons not to kill yourselves! Flowers, for instance. And back rubs.  Alright, I'm through trying to reason with them. Send in the Negotiator!"
Reporter,"Excuse me, but what proof do you have that those people inside are religious fanatics?"
Ganz,We know what we're doing. We did this all before in Waco.
Reporter,"Uh yes, but you totally screwed up Waco. You killed a bunch of innocent people and then tried to say they killed themselves."
Ganz,Look. You see this? You see this?
Reporter,Yes.
Ganz,"You see it? You see it? Go get it.  Go get it!  Alright, let's get ready to kick some religious fanatic ass!"
Gerald,Having a good time?
Randy,"Yeah, swell! Could I just... have a few minutes alone?"
Gerald,"I'm not gonna let you change on me, Randy. Just because we shared an intimate moment in the hot tub, I won't let it change our friend-"
Randy,"We did not share an intimate moment, okay?! That makes it sound gay!"
Guest,"Good night, everyone."
Ganz,"Look out!  Ho-old your fire! Okay, hrm.  People at the door! That was a warning! Go back inside and tell the others that they now have one minute to surrender!"
Stan,"Oh no, we're out of time!  Are you sure you can do this, Butters?"
Butters,"Wuh, no, I'm not sure. Uh-I'm not sure at all. Wha-what am I doin' again?"
Stan,"We're just gonna slide you down this rope, and then you've gotta get our exclusive video to that reporter down there."
Butters,Tha-at sounds awful dangerous.
Stan,"Can you hit a target, Pip?"
Pip,I was archery-class esquire at Stratfordshire.
Stan,Hit something nice and solid now.
Pip,I think that's got it.
Stan,"Nice job, Pip."
Pip,Did I do a nice job? Really?
Stan,"Alright, Butters. Now it's your turn."
Butters,"Wha-ah I don't know about this, uh. I think I'll reconsider. Yep uh I think reconsiderin' is the thing to do right now.  Waaah!  Gooh."
Stan,He made it down.
Ganz,"Alright, people, prepare to fire on my command!"
Butters,"Uhuh, Mr. Reporter, sir?"
Reporter,Huh?
Butters,"Uhuh wuhwe've got an eyewitness exclusive video for you, sir."
Gerald,Honey?
Randy,"God, everybody's looking at me. Everybody knows."
Gerald,Everybody doesn't know. And why are you so ashamed of me?
Randy,What's happened to you?! You've become all needy and talkative and-!
Gerald,I just want to know it meant something to you.
Randy,"It didn't mean anything to me, Gerry!  All we did was watch each other masturbate in the hot tub!"
Man in briefs,"Aw, I was just in the hot tub."
Randy,"Yeah! Yeah, it's true! I thought it would be exciting, and maybe it was, but I can't deal with your accusing stares!  We watched each other jack off in the hot tub! There! We did it! I'm not proud of it, but there it is!"
Mackey,"Uh. Well, it's not like you're the only guy who's ever watched another guy masturbate; I've done it."
Ned,Mmm-me too.
Man 1,"Yeah, uh I've done it a few times."
Man 2,Yep.
Man 3,Yup.
Man 4,Uh huh.
Man 5,Me too.
Man 6,"Myeup, me too."
Man 7,Yup.
Jimbo,"Aw, hell, uh I've done it too. With Cameron here."
Mackey,"Uh, Juanita, could you fix some more dip, please, Juanita?"
Randy,You mean it? I'm not gay?
Jimbo,Hwell... maybe a little. But we're all a little gay.
Randy,"Oh, I feel so much better! Wow!"
Gerald,So we're friends again?
Randy,"Uh, you bet we are, Gerry! I feel great! I feel like I could take on the world! Everything's gonna be okay!"
Ganz,"Alright everyone, fire!"
Reporter,"Hold on just a minute! This is Derek Smalls reporting. We have just received an exclusive video from inside the house , proving that the people inside are not cultists after all."
Ganz,"Uh oh.  Uh uh attention everyone! This has only been a test. Good job, men, on this, uh, simulation."
Blond agent,Simulation?
Ganz,Sh.  All is well. Do not shoot at
Pip,"O-hoh, I believe we've saved the day!"
Ganz,Woops.
ATF agent,"Sir, this isn't gonna look good."
Ganz,"You're right. Quick, let's get out of here!"
Derek,"Say, that was a fine piece of journalism, boys."
Dougie,"Wow, you mean that?"
Derek,"Sure. Why, with your tape, I'll be able to make millions and further my career beyond my wildest dreams."
Butters,"Uhuh oh uh, uh hooray, then!"
Pip,"There. Angels, I must say I think we did a smashing job."
Butters,"Uh we, we sure did. Why, we put the fear of God in those ATF sons of guns, I can tell ya."
Stan,"But you know, I learned something today. I used to call you guys Melvins. But you're just kids, like me. We separate you in school because you talk different and you study too hard, but we've proven tonight that we can all get along."
Butters,"Uh, so you mean we can stay friends, Stan? Wouldn't that be swell, huh?"
Kyle,Dude! I'm glad to see you. You would not believe the night I had.
Stan,You?! You think you had a bad night?! I had to hang out all night with these friggin' Melvins!
Kyle,"Hoh, dude, weak."
Stan,Super weak.
Kyle,Come on. I'll tell you all about what happened to me.
Sheila,"Hold still, Ike! We have to get you dressed! Where the heck is Kyle?"
Gerald,"I don't know. Come on, Kyle! You're gonna be late for Jew Scouts!"
Sheila,Kyle!
Kyle,"I'm coming, Ma!"
Sheila,"Go get the door, Kyle!"
Kyle,"""Get ready"", ""answer the door"", Jesus Christ, make up your friggin' mind!"
Kyle,"Oh! Hey, Kenny."
Kenny,"(Kyle, I'm gonna camp and watch the meteor shower. Do you wanna come and see it with me?)"
Kyle,"I can't watch the meteor shower with you, Kenny. I have to go to Jewbilee."
Kenny,(What's that?)
Kyle,"It's what we do in Jew Scouts. Usually we just sit around and make stuff. But tonight, because there's a meteor shower, we're gonna do some big thing out in the woods. It's gonna suck ass, I'm sure."
Kenny,"(Oh, that's alright.)"
Kyle,Hey! Maybe you can come with me. Then it won't suck so hard.
Kenny,(Really?)
Kyle,Mom? Can Kenny go to Jewbilee with me?
Sheila,"...Uhwell, Kyle, Jewbilee is sort of a ...special thing."
Kyle,...Oh. Kenny isn't special?
Kenny,(Aw.)
Sheila,"No, no, you're very special, Kenny. It's just that... well, Jewbilee is... for Jewish kids."
Gerald,"You see boys, Jew Scouts is a special group that borrows a little bit from all different Jewish denominations. From the Orthodox Jews, from the Hasidic Jews, from the Northern Italy Cave Jews... But you have to believe the basic tenets of Judaism to be a Scout."
Kyle,Kenny'll believe whatever you want him to.
Kenny,(Yeah.)
Sheila,"Kyle, eh, the problem is..."
Kyle,"Please, Ma. I don't think Kenny has anywhere else to be tonight."
Gerald,"Oh, all right. Just don't let any of the elders know that he isn't Jewish, okay?"
Kenny,(Woohoo!)
Sheila,"Come on, Ike!  It's time to go to Squirts!"
Kenny,(Squirts?)
Sheila,You have to be in Squirts if you're too young to be a Jew Scout.
Kenny,(Oh.)
Sheila,"Don't worry, Kenny. I'll fill you in on our faith on the way up there."
Sheila,"And then, Kenny, Abraham's wife bore him no children. She had a handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar. And Sarai said unto Abraham, ""Behold now, the Lord hath restrained me from bearing. I pray thee, go into my maid."""
Kenny,(Uh huh.)
Sheila,"Abraham begat Isaac, who the Lord then said to kill. But that was just a little silly trick to see if Abraham would do it."
Kenny,(Uh huh!)
Ike,Eng jeck.
Kyle,"No, Ike! Ma, Ike keeps taking off his Squirt uniform!"
Sheila,"Ike, you behave!"
Ike,Buwor?
Kyle,"No, Ike!"
Ike,Buh buh buh buh.
Kyle,I don't think Ike wants to go to Squirts.
Gerald,"Ike, your brother Kyle was in Squirts, and so was I. You have to go so someday you can be a big brave Jew Scout."
Ike,No-o.
Gerald,"Tell Ike how much fun Squirts is, Kyle."
Kyle,What? You want me to lie?
Gerald,"Yeah, lie."
Kyle,"Oh. Ike, Squirts is so much fun--"
Sheila,"Oh my God, what is that?!"
Gerald,"Hey, it's a bear!"
Kyle,"Wow, cool."
Sheila,"This retreat really is out of the way, isn't it?"
Ranger,Welcome to Jewbilee. You folks find it okay?
Gerald,"Yeah.  Actually, we saw a bear a few miles back."
Kyle,He was huge.
Ranger,"Yeah. We spotted him a few days ago. Nothing to worry about, though. Your boys are safe with us."
Sheila,I'm sure they are.
Gerald,"We'll be back to pick you up after the meteor shower party, boys."
Sheila,"Good-bye, boys. Kyle and Ike, you be safe. And Kenny?"
Kenny,(Uh huh?)
Sheila,Try and act Jewish.
Kenny,(How do you do that?)
Squirt leader,"Come on, Squirt! We're meeting over here!"
Kyle,Who are you?
Squirt leader,"I'm the Squirt leader. I don't want to be the Squirt leader, but I don't have a choice; it's the only way I can earn my chutzpah badge. So I gotta spend all night instructing Squirts."
Kyle,"You have to go with him, Ike."
Ike,Buh buh buh buh.
Kyle,"Don't worry, Ike. Squirts is fun. And I'll be right over there in the next building."
Ike,Boul ball.
Squirt leader,Come on!
Ranger,Name?
Kyle,Kyle Broflovski.
Kenny,(Kenny McCormick.)
Ranger,What?
Kyle,"Uh, Kenny McHeinenberg."
Ranger,"Alright, get to Meshuggeneh Hall! The meeting is already starting."
Kenny,(What's that?)
Kyle,This is where the elders meet. Nobody is allowed to go in there when they're having a meeting.
Chief elder,"Baleilah hazein, Hame kadesh mekoh hikenazu puanazikeh hakeilah. (Now gather us, the elders, on this most holy of nights.)"
Elders,"Helalelah, het Moshe. (Praise Moses.)"
Chief elder,"I want to welcome you all. Though we each come from a different sect of Judaism, on this night of Jewbilee, we all pray to Moses as one. Hineinih kureh leirukeshu. (May all the power of Moses show the way...) Now, let us all introduce ourselves."
Elder 1,"Elder Carn, from the Orthodox synagogue."
Elder 2,"Elder Harris, from the Hasidic sect."
Elder 3,"Elder Garth, from the synagogue of anti-Semites."
Chief elder,I don't believe I've heard of the anti-Semitic sect of Judaism before.
Elder Garth,We're new.
Squirt leader,"Okay, Squirts, the elders have given us a very important task tonight. We are all going to make macaroni pictures, like this one,  using dry macaroni, paper, and glue."
Squirt 1,How come we have to make macaroni pictures?
Squirt leader,"Because that's what Squirts do! Now, shut your pie-hole!"
Squirt 2,What's your name?
Ike,No.
Squirt 2,How come your head is lookin' so... funny-looking?
Ike,Uh-uh.
Elder,"And that's how we'll be making tonight's craft. And so you see, Scouts, all you need is a bar of soap and a dull knife , and you can make nifty soap sculptures like these. Here's a giraffe.  And here's a cloud.  You can all pick up your bars of soap later on, as we will all be making soap sculptures tonight.  Now, this year we are pleased to announce that Jewbilee has grown to over one hundred Jew Scouts from all around the country. All new inductees, raise your hands."
Kyle,"That's you, Kenny. Raise your hand."
Elder,"Uhhhh, yess, and what is your name, young man?"
Inductee,Junichi.
Elder,"O-oh, wonderful, uh, uh, um...  Cu-could you run out and grab some... some of those candles for us?  There we go. Ahem.  Now, I would like all the new inductees to step forward, please."
Kyle,"This part kinda sucks, Kenny, but don't screw it up."
Elder,Raise your left hand and repeat after me: I pledge to be a Jew Scout.
Inductees,I pledge to be a Jew Scout.
Elder,"My honor, wide and true."
Inductees,"My honor, wide and true."
Elder,I am proud to be a Jew Scout.
Inductees,I am proud to be a Jew Scout.
Elder,"Otherwise, I'd just be a Jew."
Inductees,"Otherwise, I'd just be a Jew."
Elder,Nahit chaim.
Inductee 1,Nahit chaim.
Elder,Nahit chaim.
Inductee 2,Nahit chaim.
Elder,Nahit chaim.
Kenny,(Nahit chaim.)  (Ha! Hiheh haha.)  (Hah! Oh my God!)
Squirt leader,"Okay, Squirts, let's see what you made macaroni pictures of. Ishmael?"
Ishmael,Apple.
Squirt leader,Good. Matthew?
Matthew,Cat.
Squirt leader,Joseph?
Joseph,Triangle.
Squirt leader,Okay. Ike?
Ike,Cokeshen.
Squirt leader,"...You don't make a macaroni picture of the Last Supper at a Jewish camp!  What the geez?  Oh my God, it's that bear they've been talking about!  Where did it go?! Squirts, go grab your gear! We're gonna hunt us a bear! Then I'll get my chutzpah badge for sure!"
Chief Elder,"Elehem hav dorim, ashoseveh laoleinu. Hakadosh boruku, omasheh hachreit. (Tonight, for the meteor shower, we will pray to Moses. Then we will give Moses thanks.)"
Elder Garth,"Oh, enough already. What has Moses ever done for us?"
Chief elder,All sects of Judaism follow the words of Moses.
Elder Garth,"Not mine. Tonight's meteor shower is a sign of the New Time, heh. We should use it to pray to Haman and enter into a new millennium faith, and it--"
Chief elder,"Enough, elder! You will not speak the name of Haman here!"
Elder Garth,"All you ever do is worship Moses, but it says in the Book of Centuries that Haman will one day lead the Jews."
Elder Harris,"We pray to Moses here, elder."
Elder Garth,"If you guys love Moses so much, why don't you marry him?!"
Chief elder,"We accept all denominations of Judaism here at Scouts, elder, but your synagogue of anti-Semites is too strange! Get out and do not return: you are no longer welcome here!"
Elder Garth,"Fine!  Jewbilee is the time of Haman! You will all see how wrong you are, very soon! When Haman returns from the Ninth Tower of Disillusionment, and smotes Moses and all his followers into pillars of dust that would cry for their petty lives but can't, having recently been turned into dust and all, you will see! You will see this very night!"
Chief elder,Hello.
Kyle,"Come on, Kenny. You have to get in the circle."
Kenny,(What the fuck are we doing?)
Kyle,This is where we all stand in a circle and pray to Moses for guidance during Jewbilee.
Kenny,"(Uheheheheh, that's stupid.)"
Kyle,"It is not stupid, Kenny! This is my faith and you shouldn't make fun of it!"
Chief elder,"Alright, Jew Scouts, the meteor shower will start soon. Let's pray to Moses for guidance.  Moses, great leader, on this blessed night of Jewbilee, we ask for your tutelage."
Scouts,May the teachings of Moses fill our ears and our hearts respectively.
All,O...
Elder Garth,"Stupid assholes. Moses ain't gonna teach them anything!  Do not fear, Haman. This night shall be yours, and the anti-Semitic Jews will once again rule the Earth."
Squirt leader,"We are Squirts, we are Squirts; we're so kosher that it hurtsWhen we get older we'll be Scouts, but until then we are Squirts There he is, Squirts.  Okay, Squirts. Remember the plan: immobilize and attack. Matthew, y-you immobilize the bear with the net, then Echo team, run up and attack it with your Squirt knives.  Don't get too close now, just close enough to throw the net on the stupid bear.  Now!"
Matthew,"Oh, funt.  No!"
Squirt leader,"Oh, no!  Oh, God!  Oh, the bear took a Squirt. Oh, I'm gonna get it now!"
All,O...
Kenny,(What's happening now?)
Kyle,"Shh. Shut up, Kenny."
Kenny,(What the fuck is that?!)
Kyle,"That's Moses, stupid!"
Chief elder,"Great Moses, we, your most loyal followers, want to thank you a lot for coming."
Moses,The hour of Jewbilee is near. Let all debts be forgiven and all slaves freed. Mwaaaaaaaaaah!
All,Aaaaaaaaaah!
Chief elder,"Alright Scouts, let's all show Moses our soap sculptures so that he may rejoice and be pleased."
Kyle,It's a duck.
Elder Garth,"""And it was foretold that the spirit of Moses would finally rest when his spirit was imprisoned by Haman in a conch shell of blind faith."" Conch shell, like this one, hnee."
Chief elder,"Moses, the Squirts have made you tidings of macaroni pictures. They should be here any second.  Where the hell are the Squirts?  We need those macaroni pictures for Moses right now!"
Squirt leader,"Now, we'll just see how Mr. Bear likes rat poison.  Well now, that'll be enough to kill a stupid bear. Okay, raise the tray!  Chutzpah badge, here I come.  Yikes!  Okay, here he comes. Easy now. Easy, Squirts.  Okay, Squirt, lower the tray.  That's it. That's it, you god-damned stupid bearface!"
Squirt,Agghhh!  Ah--!  Agghhh!
Squirt leader,"Jesus! Hell, he got another Squirt!"
Ike,Mommy.
Squirt leader,"You think you can stop me from getting my chutzpah badge, you stupid bear?! Think again!"
All,"Kumbaya, my Lord, KumbayaO Lord, Kumbaya"
Chief elder,"Great and honorable Moses, what do you desire from us, your children?"
Moses,I desire...  I desire... mamaroni pictures.
Chief elder,"Yeh yes, yes, the macaroni pictures are coming right away. Uh, anything else you want from us, O great leader of the people?"
Moses,I desire... popcorn necklaces.
Chief elder,"You heard him. Get to making popcorn necklaces right away!  All you need is some popcorn, and a needle and thread."
Moses,Hold!  There is... an impurity.
Garth,"Oh no, he's on to me, Haman."
Chief elder,"An impurity, Moses?"
Moses,This child here is not kosher.
Kenny,"(Uh-oh.)  (Help me, Kyle! What are we gonna do?)"
Kyle,Don't worry. I know what to do.
Chief elder,"Scout Broflovski, have you defiled Jew Scouts by bringing a non-Hebrew to Jewbilee?!"
Kyle,"Elder, It's not my fault. He told me he was Jewish."
Kenny,(What?!)
Chief elder,A non-Jew has infiltrated Jew Scouts and looked upon the face of Moses! He must be dealt with!
Kenny,"(I'm telling you, it's Kyle you want. He's the one who tried to get me in here, and you know it.)"
Chief elder,You are banished from here. You must leave before the great eating of carrot cake.
Kenny,(What?!)
Kyle,He doesn't get cake?
Moses,No cake for the impurity.
Chief elder,Go now. You do not belong here.
Moses,Aaggghhh!
Elder Garth,Infatu camdavid. David hakum ba'ikan shtud!
Chief elder,"Elder, what are you doing?!"
Elder Garth,Shtud balaa shtud inca inca brusht!
Elder Harris,He's reading from the Book of Haman!
Elder Garth,"Enter the conch shell, Moses!"
Moses,Eo! Eh! Diu!
Elder Garth,"And there you shall stay, trapped for all eternity!"
Chief elder,"Elder, what have you done?"
Elder Garth,"I told you, the meteor shower is the time of Haman! I am running Jewbilee now!"
Elder,"Release Moses, now!"
Elder Garth,I don't think so.
Scout,When do we get to eat carrot cake?
Elder Garth,"Now... All of you into that building, or I shoot you where you stand!"
Chief Elder,"Elder, you cannot mean--"
Elder Garth,"Move!  Now! Now, Haman, your time has come!"
Kyle,"Dude, what the hell is going on?!"
Chief elder,"If he summons Haman, we will all be destroyed."
Kenny,(Oh no!)
Squirt leader,"We are Jew Squirts, we know JewishStick stick smiley smiley Stick stick smiley smileydur dur dur dur dur--Hold it, Squirts! This is where we'll set our trap. Everyone remember your squadron. Alpha-5 and Gamma-7 will be on recon teams. Alpha will take left flank and flush the bear out of sector three. Once we're in position, I want constant contact between all squad leaders. We'll flush him out and we'll attack him!"
Squirt,Agh! Agghh!
Squirt leader,"Remember, this is only a bear. All we have to do is stick together, and we can spend the rest of the night making bear sandwiches!  Where's Zigmal?"
Ike,No.
Squirt leader,"God-damnit! You stupid god-damned son of a bear, you've taken your last Squirt! Do you hear me?!"
Elder Garth,And the Ancient One looked upon Haman as the new leader of the people!  And it was the night that stars flew around the sky!  Yes! Yess!!
Chief elder,"If he summons Haman, it will be the end of everything we hold dear."
Scout,I wanna go home.
Kenny,"(Stop!)  (Officer Barbrady, I really need to talk to you!)  (Shit!)"
Squirt leader,"That bear thinks he can outsmart me! Well, I'm not gonna let a stupid bear get the--  Hold! Look over there!  It's one of the Squirts the bear took. Maybe he's okay.  It's a trap!!  Damn! Damn, damn, damn! Okay, bear, that does it! You wanna kill all the Squirts?! You can have 'em! I give up! I don't need my chutzpah badge, or Jew Scouts, or any of this crap! Forget it!"
Elder Garth,Let the New Tide turn! Let Haman rule his people once again!
Chief elder,No!
Elder Garth,"We await your return, Haman!  Your passage is safe from the enemies!"
Kenny,(Aghh!)
Chief Elder,It's hopeless.
Elder,"Haman will be summoned and we will be forced to obey him, or die."
Elder Harris,Uh I'm fine with obeying.
Elder,"Yeah, obeying should work out swell."
Kyle,"Don't worry, you guys. He forgot about Kenny. Kenny will help us."
Elder 2,How?
Kyle,Kenny will find a way.
Kenny,(Haaarrrrrh!)  (Huh?)
Squirt,"Hey, welcome to the party.  See this li'l bear cub? It's his birthday."
Squirt 2,"Yeah, so his mommy brought us all over to play with him."
Bear cub,Mrar.
Kenny,"(Aww.)  (Okay, you guys, we've gotta get back to the camp and... )"
Squirt,They are? Uh oh.
Kenny,"(Come on, Squirts, we gotta run! We're already god-damned late!)"
Squirt,"Come on, Squirts. We have to help them."
All,Yeah!
Squirt leader,"Elder Schwartz, I lost the Squirts! I lost all the Squirts!  Well, screw you too! I don't need your Chutzpah badge anyway! Hello?"
Elder Schwartz,"Shlomo, get us out of here!"
Shlomo,What the geez?  What are you guys doing in there?
Elder Schwartz,Get the keys and unlock the door!
Schlomo,What?!
Elder Schwartz,Get the keys and unlock the door!
Schlomo,I lost the Squirts!
Elder Schwartz,Look out!
Schlomo,Huh?
Elder Garth,Don't move!
Schlomo,"Oh, Jiminy gravy, what is this??"
Elder Garth,"It's the summoning of Haman, fool! The awakening of a new kingdom, heeheh!"
Schlomo,You can't wake Haman. What would Moses say?
Elder Garth,Moses is trapped for all eternity in the conch of blind faith!
Schlomo,"Oh, no you don't!  Ooowww!!"
Elder Garth,Enough of this waste of time!  Haman! The Great Summoning is done! Upon these words let your spirit come! Einich! Hos!
Elder Schwartz,It is lost.
Elder Garth,Zayak. Kareem!
Kenny,(Woohoo!)
Elder Garth,"Hey, give that back!"
Elder Schwartz,It's the Squirts.
Kyle,"Go, Ike!"
Elder Schwartz,"Unlock the door, Squirts! The keys are up there."
Elder Harris,They'll never reach.
Squirt,"Squirts, fall in. Chinese formation."
Elder Garth,Give me that book!
Kenny,(Ow!)
Elder Garth,Haman will deal with you!
Kenny,(Ow!)
Elder Harris,"Oh, no. It's too late!"
Elder Garth,Ramek shtud!
Kyle,What is that?
Elder Schwartz,It is Haman.
Elder Garth,Yes! Yes!
Haman,Free! Free to punish those that imprisoned me!
Elder Garth,"Haman! It's me, Garth! I freed you!"
Kyle,Look!
Kenny,"(It's okay, I'll use my head!)"
Kyle,Kenny! Noooooo!
Kenny,(Heeeeeyah! Ugh--!)
Haman,Moses! Nooo!
Elder Garth,"Nooo! Eheh. Nooo!  Moses. Uh I, I apologize for any inconvenience, eheh. Uh yuh you see, I was just uh--"
Moses,Die!
Elder Garth,No! Aaagghhh! Ooww..!
All,Hooray!
Kyle,Kenny!
Elder Harris,That blow to his head must have killed him.
Elder Carn,He saved us. He saved all the Jews.
Kyle,"You know, I think we all learned something today. It's fine to have your own beliefs and your own traditions, but as soon as you start excluding people from your ways, only because of their race, you become separatists. And being a separatist sucks ass."
Elder Harris,"We've learned a lot from you and your great friend, Kenny."
Moses,Every year we shall gather here in this special place and bring Kenny tidings of soap sculptures and macaroni pictures.
Elder Harris,Yes.
Moses,And those little shaker things where... you put beans inside of paper plates that are glued together.
Elder Harris,Paper-plate bean shakers.
Moses,And let us put patterns of glue on the outside of those paper plates so we can then pour glitter on them so they can look nice and sparkly.
Elder Schwartz,"You heard him, Scouts! Let's get to work!"
Kitty,Reowr.
Cartman,"No, Kitty, these are my spicy-hot Louisiana-baked Chicken Tenders!"
Kitty,Reowr.
Cartman,"No, Kitty!"
Kitty,Roar?
Cartman,"No, Kitty, you can't have these chicken tenders, because they are mine, and I keep mine to myself, oh?"
Announcer,Be sure to tune in tomorrow for another inexplicable episode of... Chinpokomon.
Cartman,Hooray!
Announcer,Hey kids!  Do you love Chinpokomon?
Cartman,Yes.
Announcer,"Well, now you can buy your very own!"
Singer,"I got to buy ChinpokomonI got to buy it, I got to buy it!"
Announcer,"Now you can collect them all. Furrycat, Donkeytron, Pengin, Shoe, Lambtor. Collect them all, and you can become Royal Crown Chinpoko Master."
Cartman,Royal Crown Chinpoko Master? Holy shit!
Announcer,All the Chinpokomon are in stores now.
Japanese Woman,"Chinpokomon is soo-peh-rior rubbeh toy, Nuhmbah 1!"
Singer,I got to buy it! Chinpo-ko-mon!
Cartman,Mom! Mom!
Cartman,"Mom! Seriously! Let's go to the toy store, Mom. Now! Must go! Toy store!"
Liane,"Eric, calm down."
Cartman,Uh seriously! Mom! Must go! Must buy!
Liane,"What is it, Eric?"
Cartman,"Muh-Mom, I've only just heard. They're making Chinpokomon dolls, mom. You can collect them all. You can collect them all, Mother; quick, come on. Let's go to the toy store."
Liane,"I'm making you some lunch right now, Eric."
Cartman,"...But Mo-o-om, I have to get Chinpokomon dolls before everybody else does, 'cause then I'll be coo-oo-ool."
Liane,"Can't it wait till tomorrow, hon?"
Cartman,"...But Mo-o-om, I have to get the first one, or else people won't think I'm coo-oo-ool!"
Liane,Alright! let's go.
Cartman,Sweet.
Cartman,Everybody's gonna be sooo jealous when they see my Chinpokomon.
Girl,Give it to me!
Boy,Give it here!
Cartman,"Oh, god damnit!"
Stan,"Hey, fat ass."
Cartman,"Hey, dick-whore. I guess you saw the commercial, too."
Stan,"Yep. I got Roostor, Lambtron, and Shoe."
Cartman,"Well, that's nice, but I'm gonna get a Pengin. He's the coolest.  God damnit, there's no more Pengins!  Kenny, Pengin is my favorite. That's the last one. Let me have it."
Kenny,(Nuh uh.)
Cartman,C'mon.
Kenny,(Nuh uh!)
Cartman,"C'mon, Kenny. Let me ha--"
Kenny,(No!)
Cartman,C'mon.
Kenny,(No!)
Cartman,C'mon. Give me Pengin!
Kenny,(No! This is mine!)
Cartman,C'mon!
Sharon,"Honestly, I don't see what they find so amusing about those things."
Liane,They're so strange. Where are they from?
Cashier,"Well, it's some new big thing from Japan. I tell you, those Japanese really know how to market to kids."
Japanese woman,"Own-ah Chinpokomon, and-ah you vill-ah have-ah happy feelings-eh."
Kids,Must collect Chinpokomon.
Cartman,"Okay, Kenny. I'll trade you my Chuchunezumi for your Pengin."
Kenny,(Fuck you!)
Cartman,"God damnit, you're supposed to trade those, you little asshole! Give me Pengin!"
Kyle,Hey dudes.  What are those?
Stan,What are these? They're Chinpokomon!
Kyle,Huh?
Cartman,You don't appear to have any Chinpokomon.
Kyle,"No, but look: I just got this sweet Cyborg Bill doll."
Cartman,"Oh, please. Cyborg Bill is so yesterday."
Stan,"Yeah, like ancient history."
Kyle,Cyborg Bill isn't cool anymore?
Stan,"No, dude!"
Cartman,"Cyborg Bill hasn't been cool for a long time, Kyle."
Kyle,Why the hell don't people tell me these things?!
Cartman,It's all Chinpokomon now.
Stan,"Dude, if you collect Chinpokomon you can complete the Primary Main Objective."
Kyle,What's the Primary Main Objective?
Cartman,You don't even know what the Primary Main Objective is?
Stan,The Primary Main Objective is to destroy the Evil Power.
Kyle,"Well, what's the Evil Power?"
Stan,Ogh..!
Cartman,"Oh, my God..! The identity of the Evil Power won't be revealed until all Chinpokomon are collected by a Royal Crown Chinpoko Master!"
Kyle,What?
Cartman,Duhhh!
Stan,"Yeah, get with the times, dude."
Cartman,Duhhh!
Kyle,Shit!
Gerald,"Yeah, I guess so."
Kyle,"Mom, Dad, can I have money to buy Chinpokomon?"
Sheila,What's a Chinpokomon?
Kyle,I'm not sure.
Sheila,"Well, why do you need one?"
Kyle,I don't know.
Sheila,"...Well then, the answer is no, Kyle. You just got money to buy your Cyborg Bill doll."
Kyle,"Yeah, but Cyborg Bill is totally gay now. Please Mom? Everybody else has Chinpokomon."
Gerald,"Well, Kyle, that's not a reason to buy something."
Ike,Neah Kyle doh.
Gerald,"You see, son, fads come and go. And this ""Chin-po-ko-mon"" is obviously nothing more than a fad. You don't have to be a part of it. In fact, you can make an even stronger statement by saying to your peers, ""I'm not going to be a part of this fad, because I'm an individual."" Do you understand?"
Kyle,"Yes. Yes, I do, Dad. Now let me tell you how it works in the real world. In the real world, I can either get a Chinpokomon, or I can be the only kid without one, which singles me out, and causes the other kids to make fun of me and kick my ass."
Gerald,Hm... Good point; here's $10.
Kyle,Thanks.
Gerald,"Wait, here's 20. Get one for your brother, too."
Ike,"Hey, Chih-paw-ko."
Cashier,"There you go, son. I honestly don't know what you see in these things."
Kyle,Neither do I.
Cashier,I guess I'll call it a night.
A voice,Chinpoko!  Buy me! Buy me!  When will you become Royal Chinpoko Master?  Hurry up and buy me.  Down with America!
Cashier,What?
Lambtron,"I love you. Let's be best friends, and destroy the capitalistic American government."
Cashier,What the hell is goin' on here?
Kyle,Hey you guys! Check out my sweet Chinpokomon doll!
Cartman,"Oh, please, Chinpokomon dolls are so last week."
Kyle,What?
Stan,"Yeah, dude. Don't you know? It's all about the Chinpokomon video game now. Did you bring your special Chinpokomon game controller?"
Kyle,Huh? No.
Cartman,"Oh, you didn't get a special Chinpokomon game controller. T-heh heh heh heh. Jehesus C-hrist!"
Announcer,"Chinpokomon, what is Primary Objective?"
Stan/Kenny/ Cartman,To destroy the Evil Power!
Stan/Kenny/ Cartman,Oooh?
Kyle,Damnit!
Japanese woman,Gottai to bomb thah hahbah! Deddy?
Kenny,"(Hey, you guys...)"
Stan/Kenny/ Cartman,We must buy them all!
Japanese woman,Gottai to bomb thah hahbah!
Stan,"Dude, the video game gave Kenny a seizure!"
Cartman,Cool! This game rules!
Cashier,"Hello-o? Ey, hello?"
Japanese woman,Werucome to Chinpokomon Toy Corporashon. Purease state a-name.
Cashier,Rr-Red Harris? I own a toy store in America?
Japanese woman,Purease state the puhpose-uh.
Red,"Uh, I wanna know what the hell you people are doing with these dolls, talkin' about bringin' down American government and all?"
Taller man,"I am President Hirohito. And-ah, this is Mr. Ose."
Mr. Ose,Peased to meet you.
President Hirohito,We unduhstand you have big concern about our fine pro-duct.
Red,"Oh, eh-yes. Do you mind tellin' me what the hell this is about?"
Lambtor,The American government lies to you! Join the fight for Japanese supremacy of the world! More to come.
Red,Well?
Mr. Ose,Uuuh.
President Hirohito,"That is so sturange.  I do not a-know how this could happen. But urest assured, I will make sure  it does not happong again!"
Red,"Well, now, come on, I don't think that that quite satisfies my--"
President Hirohito,You are American?
Red,Yes.
President Hirohito,Ogh! You must have very big pee-anis!
Red,Excuse me? I was just asking you what you're up to with these toys!
President Hirohito,Nothing. We are very simple people. With very small penis. Mr. Ose penis is ...especially small.
Mr. Ose,"Uh, smuh, so small."
President Hirohito,We cannot achieve much with so small penis. But you! Americans. Wow! Penis so big! Soo big penis!
Red,"Well uh, he-I guess it is a pretty good size."
Mr. Ose,"Minata, kite kite!  This-a man has veh-ry big penis!"
Woman 1,Take takeru o da ne?
Woman 2,Hai.
Mr. Ose,"Uh, hoh, what an-whoa immense penis-uh!"
Red,"Well, it certainly was nice meeting you folk, I just wanted to bring that little malfunction to your attention. Bye-bye now."
President Hirohito,"Good-bye. Thank you for stopping by, with your gargantuan penis.  Dame, dame da.  Naze kono chippu wa soto ni detandaba?"
Mr. Ose,"Wa, wakarimasen, sachoo san. Mondai desu nee."
President Hirohito,Sekinin shoo yobe!
Mr. Ose,"Hai. Hai, sachoo san."
Cartman,I've got to buy Chinpokomon... I've got to... buy them... Must buy Chinpokomon...
President Hirohito,"Amerika ni, kodomo zenbu Chinpokomon motte iru. Kore kara, ""phase two"" hajimete. IKIMASHOO!  The time has come! We will take Pearl Harbor!"
Randy,What are you doing?
Sharon,I'm watching one of Stanley's Chinpokomon video tapes.
Randy,Why?
Sharon,"Our son loves this show, Randy, so I think it's important that we watch it to see if it's teaching him good moral values."
Roostor,Roo-oo-oostor!
Randy,...Are those good moral values?
Sharon,I don't know what the hell they're talking about.
Narrator,But Lambtron's powers also give him a good chance for a new fight. Will he succeed?
Sharon,This doesn't make sense. Are those stupid things supposed to be animals or robots or what?
Randy,"I don't know, but I suddenly kinda wanna own them all."
Sharon,"Randy, we can't allow our son to watch this stuff!"
Randy,"Well, it's not like it's vulgar or violent."
Sharon,"No, but it's incredibly stupid, and that could be worse on a child's mind than any vulgarity or violence. Remember what Battle of the Network Stars did to an entire generation."
Randy,"My God, you're right."
Cartman,"Come on, brothers and sistersWe've all got to join togetherJoin together and give me moneySo I can buy more Chinpokomon!We've got to stop this fight and..."
Stan,"How's it goin', fat ass?"
Cartman,I haven't made any money yet.
Stan,What?! You've been out here all weekend! How are we gonna raise money to get into the Chinpokomon camp?
Cartman,Ey! I'm the one who's been standing out here with this gay guitar like a God-damned hippie all weekend! What have you two assholes done?!
Stan,We can't do anything. Kenny still hasn't come out of his seizure.
Kyle,I got it! I got my Chinpokomon game controller!
Cartman,"Jesus tap dancing Christ! Get with the program, Kyle!"
Stan,Yeah. Nobody plays the Chinpokomon video games anymore. Now it's all about the big weekend Chinpokomon camp.
Kyle,Camp?
Cartman,The makers of Chinpokomon are going town to town and putting on a special camp to show all the Chinpoko Masters how to destroy the Evil Power.
Stan,You didn't know that?
Kyle,"No, uh-I knew it! I knew it. I was just testing you guys. You just wait till I get to that Chinpokomon camp! I'm gonna be the toughest master of them all! So we'll see you there, a-ight?"
Stan,"Dude, did you just say ""a-ight""?"
Kyle,"Yeah. You know, like Lauren Hill. A-ight?"
Cartman,"Oh, my God, that's so yesterday!"
Stan,"Yeah, dude. Nobody says ""a-ight"" anymore."
Kyle,"What?? ""A-ight""'s not cool, either? When did that happen?"
Cartman,"Like, eight days ago."
Kyle,God damnit!
Announcer,"Hey, kids!  Only one more day till the Chinpokomon camp!  Come early and enjoy all the Chinpoko fun!"
Singer,Chinpokomon Camp!I've got to buy a ticket!I've got to buy one! A ticket!I've got to buy buy buy!
Japanese woman,It'sa Satuhday anda Sunday. You can'ta wait to go!
Singer,Chinpokomon!
Sharon,"We just thought we'd bring it to everyone's attention because, honestly, we don't know how to feel."
Liane,"Well, I'm letting Eric go to the camp. I mean, it seems to me this Chinpokomon thing is just another harmless fad."
Sheila,"Yeah. We told Kyle he could go if he did all his chores, and he did."
Randy,"Now, I'm not sure this blatant commercialism is good for our boys."
Sheila,"Well, you know how it is, Randy. The more we forbid them to play with Chinpokomons, the more they're gonna love them."
Sharon,"You're right, Sheila. I guess the best thing we can do is just let them go until they get sick of it."
Sheila,"Sure. Apparently, they've been doing these camps in every city around the country; how bad can they be?"
Cartman,Get outta the way! Move it!
Stan,Can you see anything?
Kids,Yay!!!
Stan,"It's starting, it's starting!"
Singer,I've got to buy it! I've got to buy it! Chinpokomon!
Mr. Ose,Attention! Attention!  This isa Chinpokomon Camp!
Kids,Chinpokomon is what we strive to be great at in our hearts!
Kyle,...our hearts.  Kenny?
Mr. Ose,What is the Primary Main Objective?
Kids,To destroy the Evil Power!
Kyle,...Power.
Mr. Ose,Yesuh. Anda what is the Evil Power?  The Evil Power is the United States gorvernment!
Cartman,Ohhh.
Mr. Ose,United Statesuh government is the Evil Power! It hasa taken Japanese Americans! It hasa broken Japanese spirit! And what do Chinpoko Masters do to Evil Power?!
Kids,Destroy it!
Kyle,Destroy it?
Mr. Ose,"That isa correct! Now, it isa great honor to present... your Chinpoko Leaduh! Emperor Hirohito!"
Emperor Hirohito,"Welcome to campu. Whoever passes it knows and honors that the greatness of Japan is in its history, and it is based on that history that we shall again rise to the dominant world powuh!"
Cartman,Is this cool or not? I can't tell.
Emperor Hirohito,It is again time for the Rising Sun to sit tall in the sight! One Japan! One society!
Mr. Ose,We will begin witha language anda exercise skills. Hajimete!!
Instructors,"Ichi, ni, san, shi!"
Kids,"Ichi, ni, san, shi! Ichi, ni, san, shi!"
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, I want it quiet!  Now, we're gonna try this again until we get it right! What is six times three?"
Stan,Juuhachi desu ka?
Class,Juuhachi da nee!
Mr. Garrison,"No, goddammit, it's eighteen!!"
Stan,"Juuhachi is eighteen, Garrison-san."
Mr. Garrison,"For the last time, my name is not Garrison-san, all right?! And this is not Hat-san! And you all better start talking in a manner that I can understand!"
Cartman,"Wuu, Garrison-san sabuchii dana."
Mr. Garrison,What did he say?!
Stan,"He said, ""Garrison-san sabuchii da naa."""
Class,Soo desu nee!
Mr. Garrison,"Damnit, this is not Japan!!"
Cartman,"Minata! Kite kite, churi..."
Wendy,Dare ga pu shita no.
Mr. Garrison,Aggghhh!
Mayor,"People, please! We can only speak one at a time. Now, Mr. Garrison, you were saying..."
Mr. Garrison,"I can't take it, Mayor. You have to put an end to this Chinpoko Camp."
Sharon,My son hasn't made any sense in days.
Priest Maxi,"I tell you, Mayor, these Japanese are trying to change our American children somehow!"
Mayor,"Alright, people, Mr. Hirohito and Mr. Ose were nice enough to stop by to talk to you. Gentlemen?"
President Hirohito,We at the Japan Toy Company are vetty cohncerned about-a your cohncerns. That is why we make Chinpokomon camp.
Randy,"Well, how is it good?! We don't understand what the point of your product is!"
President Hirohito,There is nothing to worry about. We at Japan Toy Company are in awe of your large penis.
Mr. Garrison,What?
President Hirohito,"You see, Japanese penis so small."
Mr. Ose,So-eh small.
President Hirohito,You Americans have such humungous burbous penis.
Mr. Garrison,"Well, uh-I guess that's true."
Mr. Ose,"Oh, suh-n nice-a big penis American."
President Hirohito,"What can we possubruh do with such small penis? We cannot take over your city, filled witha men awith such mastodonic penis."
Jimbo,"Huwell, uh he's got a point there."
Randy,"Well, I guess that settles that."
Priest Maxi,"We're sorry we took your time, gentlemen."
President Hirohito,"Oh, no. Thank you. Another chance to be in same room with big American penis."
Mr. Ose,"Uh-uh, my penis so small."
Priest Maxi,Nice guys.
President Hirohito,Jikan ganai. Suberi maratsuba. Sukash. Simenu bi faamo werosii kowai samaneba.
Sharon,"So, what are we going to do about our children?  Ahhh, hello-o?"
Mayor,"O-kay, people. I know this Chinpuku Man fad is causing a lot of problems. But I think we've already found a solution."
Liane,You have?
Mayor,Children are fickle.  All we have to do is come up with a new fad. We find the next toy and turn them all onto it as soon as possible.
Sharon,Of course! That's a great idea!
Sheila,But what toy?
Lab Tech 1,"Alright, boys, we're going to show you a couple of commercials, and you tell us which toy interests you the most. Now, watch carefully."
Announcer,"Hey, kids. Do you like Chinpokomon?"
Boys,Yeah!
Announcer,"Well then, you're gonna go wild for  Wild Wacky Action Bike!"
Singer,Wild Wacky Action Bike!The bike that's hard to ride!
Announcer,Wild Wacky Action Bike is almost impossible to steer. And it glows in the dark.
Singer,"Goin' to try to ride all day long, but I'm goin' to fail'Cause it's Wild Wacky Action Bike!"
Boy,Man...
Singer,"You can't ride it, you can't ride itWild Wacky Action Bike!"
Boy,Aaagg-agh--!
Announcer,Wild Wacky Action Bike comes with everything you see here.
Cartman,...Gay.
Stan,"Yeah, dude. That was totally gay."
Lab Tech 1,"Ohhh.  Wuh-okay, here's the next one."
Announcer,"Hey, kids. Do you like Chinpokomon?"
Boys,Yeah!
Announcer,"Well then, you're gonna love... Alabama Man!"
Singer,"Alabama ManHe's quick, he's strong, he's active."
Announcer,"You can take Alabama Man to the bowling alley, where he drinks heavily and chews tobacco."
Boy 1,Wow! He can bowl.
Singer,"He can bowl, he can drink, he can drink and bowlAlaba-ma Man!"
Announcer,"When his wife asks him where he's been, just use the action button,  and Alabama Man busts her lip open."
Boy 1,"Shut up, bitch!"
Boy 2,Wow!
Singer,He beat the wife and sleeps it offAlabama Man!
Boys 1/2,I wanna be just like Alabama Man.
Announcer,Alabama Man comes with everything you see here. Wife sold separately.
Boy 2,I thought I told you to shut up!
Announcer,Not all people from Alabama are wife-beaters.
Cartman,Gay.
Stan,Totally gay.
Kyle,Liberace gay.
Lab Tech 1,"Oooh, dear. Well, let's keep trying. How about this?"
Mr. Ose,Owatta!
Kids,Beikoku!
Mr. Ose,Owatta!
Kids,Beikoku!
Mr. Ose,Owatta!
Kids,Beikoku! Nihon en ima hajimaru!
Mr. Ose,Owatta!
Sharon,Stan?
Kids,Beikoku!
Sharon,"Stan, it's Mommy!"
Mr. Ose,Owatta!
Kids,Beikoku!
Mr. Ose,Owatta!
Sharon,Stanley--
Kids,Beikoku!
Sharon,--you need to come home right now.
Mr. Ose,Owatta!
Kids,Beikoku!
Sharon,Mommy misses you.
Mr. Ose,Owatta!
Kids,Beikoku!
Sharon,"Stanley, I'm talking to you!"
Mr. Ose,Owatta!
Kids,Beikoku!  Huhhh?
Sharon,"Stan, please, come home!"
Stan,Kore wa watashi no uchi desu.
Kids,So desu née.
Mr. Ose,Ooh?  Do not worry. Everything isa okay.
Sharon,"No, it's not okay!"
Mr. Ose,"Oh, but-a you have-a such large penis-uh."
Sharon,What?
Mr. Ose,"Your penis, wooww--  O-oh..!"
President Hirohito,What he means is that all men in this town have very large penis.
Sharon,Can't you see what's happening?! They're just using that talk to distract you! He doesn't really have a small penis!
President Hirohito,Misenasai!
Sharon,Oh!
Mr. Ose,Owatta!
Kids,Beikoku!
Mr. Ose,Owatta!
Kids,Beikoku!
Gerald,"Oh God, is there nothing we can do?"
Sharon,"Wait a minute... Wait a minute, I think I know the answer! I know how to get our kids to stop liking Chinpokomon!"
Sheila,How?
Sharon,Come on! We don't have much time!
Reporter,"And now, for a special announcement from the President of the United States."
President Clinton,"My fellow Americans, I wish to address the concerns many of us have over the growing number of Japanese military bases forming in the United States. The new Japanese emperor, Hirohito, has made our own children into fighter pilots who will soon fly to Hawaii and attack Pearl Harbor. I spoke with Mr. Hirohito this morning, and he assured me that I have a very large penis. He said it was mammoth, dinosauric, and absolutely dwarfed his penis, which, he assured me, was nearly microscopic in size. My penis, he said, was most likely one of the biggest on the planet. I applaud Mr. Hirohito in his honesty. Thank you."
Mr. Ose,Your plane will fly autopilot to Pearl Harbor! When you arrive you will drop many bombs!
Kids,"Hai, sachoo-san."
Stan,Nan da kore?
Randy,Chinpoko ga dai-suki yoo!
Stan,What?
Randy,"Uh, we just came to support you. We love Chinpokomon, too. It's super toy, number 1!"
Stan,You like it?
Mr. Garrison,You bet. I think Chinpokoman is chinpokorrific. I got Shoe.
Liane,"Come on, Eric. Let's try to battle your Roostor with my Donkeytron."
Cartman,"Uh... no, that's okay, Mom."
President Hirohito,Whar are they doing?!
Mr. Ose,It's a trick!
Randy,"Hey, Stan, look at my new bumper sticker.  Isn't that cool?"
Stan,"No.  Screw this, dude."
Cartman,"Where are you going, Stan?"
Stan,"Huh, I don't know. Chinpokomon just doesn't seem that cool anymore. I'm gonna go kill some ants or something."
Cartman,"Wait for me, I wanna get out of these stupid clothes."
Other kids,Yeah. Me too! Me too.
President Hirohito,Nooo!!
Randy,"Well, you were right, Sharon. The best way to make our kids not like something is to like it ourselves."
Sharon,"That's right. Anything we like is instantly not cool.  We know how to take them out, Mr. Garrison. Spread the word! Get on the wire to every parent around the country and tell them how to bring those sons of bitches down!"
Stan,"Hey, Mom, I'm sorry I went a little nutty with that Chinpokomon stuff. Can I have $5 to buy a football?"
Sharon,"You bet, Stanley!"
Kyle,Owatta Beikoku!
Sheila,"Kyle, it's over!"
Kyle,But I'm gonna be Royal Crown Chinpokomon Master!
Stan,"Dude, Chinpokomon isn't cool anymore."
Kyle,What?
Cartman,"Yeah, dude, that's way over."
Kyle,"Dude, you're just jealous because I'm Chinpoko Master!"
Stan,"No, Kyle. You see, we learned something today. This whole Chinpokomon thing happened because we all followed the group. We only liked Chinpokomon because everyone else did. And look at the damage it caused."
Kyle,So now I should stop liking Chinpokoman because you all don't?
Stan,...Ye-eah.
Kyle,"But if I stop now, I'll just be going with the group again. So, to be an individual, I have to bomb Pearl Harbor. See ya."
Stan,"Oh... Wait.  Actually, I was wrong. You see, Kyle, I learned something, just now. It is good to go with the group. A group mentality is healthy, sometimes."
Kyle,"Aw, screw it; I'm too confused."
Randy,"Well, I'm sure glad this is all over."
Cartman,"Hey, get offa him! He's not dead yet!"
Cartman,"Nnno! Get off, you stupid rats! He's not dead yet!"
Randy,"Hey, you guys wanna go to the toy store after school and get some Spaceman Greg cards?"
Kyle,"Naw, I think I'm through with fads for a while."
Cartman,"Me, too.  I'm choosing my own toys from now on, 'cause--"
Stan,What the..?
Cartman,"Ooooh-ho-ho-ho, gro-hoss!"
Singer,(over the Braniff Airlines logo) Bye bye buh-buh-buh-buh-buh chicken!
Marklar,"Marklar, this is Marklar. Approaching Marklar."
Marklar dispatcher,Proceed with marklar and make first contact.
Marklar,"Marklar.  Greetings, Marklar, I am Marklar.  I come in marklar.  Oh, marklar.  AAAAAAAAAA!"
Woman,"Hello, everyone. I am Sister Hollis. I was chosen for my mission work to come here to Africa and teach you all about the teachings of Jesus.  Okay then, do we have our Bibles that were handed out freely?  No no, we don't eat the Bibles, we read them.  Now, let's turn to Mark 3:19.  Come on, remember : reading Bible plus accepting Jesus equals food.  Good. Now, who can read Mark 3:19? How about... Marvin?"
Marvin,Doundobi godia dyum * *
Hollis,"No, Marvin, in God's language. English."
Marvin,Dongdin * * mium bidu
Hollis,"Where are you going? Back to your life of sin? Don't you understand that unless you find Christ, you and all your people are doomed to eternal hellfire?"
Ethiopians,Ooooohhh.
Marvin,Duo bet tum debettum * * ghm * *?  Mah tah guum tyum * * ghm tm tm.
Ethiopian,Necah * * necundat?
Chief,Nn * * de co?
Marvin,Umi chu.
Ethiopian Woman,Wobe dabiga gm * *.
Marvin,Gobede *.
Mr. Garrison,"...And so, children, that's why Hare Krishnas are totally gay.  Uh, can I help you?"
Agent 1,"Yes. I'm Connelly, and this is Sphinx. We're with the CIA."
Sphinx,"We're here to speak with some of your students.  You , you , you , and you ."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, for Pete's sake, what have you bastards done now?!"
Cartman,Hey! That was Kyle that went #2 in the urinal!
Kyle,"No it wasn't, fatass! I saw you do it!"
Connelly,"Boys, we need to talk to you about a matter of national security. Now!"
Kenny,(Huh?)
Mr. Garrison,"I hope you give them the chair!  Anyway, children, as I was saying, Hare Krishnas are totally gay."
Cartman,"Oh, dude, this is not cool!"
Kyle,"Relax, fatass."
Cartman,"No. Dude, I've seen this on TV. They shine that light in your face, and then they try to get you to tell them stuff by squeezing your balls really hard."
Stan,What??
Cartman,"Dude, I've seen it! They grab your balls with their leather-gloved hands and they squeeze 'em as hard as they can until they pop like little grapes!"
"Stan, Kyle","Ow, dude!"
Cartman,Start with Kenny! Start with Kenny!
Sphinx,"Relax, boys. We just need to talk with you."
Stan,"* I told you, fatass."
Connelly,"Approximately 31 hours ago, an ethnic-looking child was spotted flying some kind of state-of-the-art space craft over Chinese air space."
Cartman,"Whoa, cool."
Sphinx,Cool? That craft appears to have enough plutonium fuel on board to blow up a large city! Do you think that's cool?!
Cartman,Totally!
Connelly,"Alright, children, we just need to know one thing: Do you know this person?"
Cartman,"Heeyy, that's Starvin' Marvin."
Stan,Sshh!
Connelly,Who?
Kyle,"You dumbass, Cartman! Now they're gonna go squeeze his balls!"
Cartman,Oh. We don't know him.
Sphinx,"We already know you know him. We have this!  Now, who is he?!"
Cartman,Kyle's makin' mudpies; you guys want one?
Connelly,This is getting us nowhere. We'll have to resort to more drastic measures.
Sphinx,But they're just kids. We can't torture them.
Connelly,"Look, we don't know what that craft is capable of, but the kid is going to have to land it somewhere. God only knows what sadistic backwards Third-World country could get their hands on that ship!"
Singer,"Soaring so high above the world,Never thought I could be so free.I'm one with the birds, and magic is all I see."
Man 1,"Oy, look up there!"
Man 2,It's a UFO!
Crowd,Oohh?!
Marvin,Dogom * Dommm * *.
Man 3,"Boy, that's one creeepy alien."
Marvin,Gmm * Mmm-mm * *.
Man 4,"Talk to 'im, Mayor."
Mayor,"Great and noble alien creature. As Mayor of the fine planet of Australia, I welcome you to our fine... planet of Australia. Chippy chip"
Crowd,Churrah!
Mayor,"Look out, he's got a gun!"
Man 5,"Wait, it's not a gun. It's a piece of paper."
Mayor,"Oh.  Oh, I think he's tryin' to tell us that he wants to relocate all his species here to Australia."
Marvin,* * Muogleblabla mb'g * *.
Mayor,"Well, you certainly are all welcome 'ere, alien. In fact, there's a mission right over there that will take all your people in."
Woman,Hello-o.
Mayor,Guess the little pecker doesn't like missionaries.
Sphinx,"Now, I'll ask you again. Who is the little boy that took our ship?"
Stan,We don't know.
The Boys,Aaaaaaaa!  Aaaaaaaa!
Connelly,Who is this person!
Cartman,K-kill me.
Connelly,Do it again.
The Boys,Aaaaaaaa!
Cartman,"No wait. I'll tell you.  He's, he's a little starving Ethiopian kid. We adopted him."
Kyle,Cartman!
Sphinx,Adopted from whom?
Cartman,Sally. Sally Struthers. The lady on TV. She knows everything. Sally Struthers.
Connelly,Sally Struthers!
Sphinx,Where can we find her?!
Connelly,I know exactly where Sall Struthers is. Let them go.
Kyle,"God job, fatass!"
Cartman,"Dude, I couldn't take anymore of that balloon. Another couple hours of that, and I would've been totally pissed off."
Stan,Whatever. Let's go see what's on TV.
Receptionist,"Gentlemen, Ms. Struthers can see you now."
Connelly,"I'm warning you, Bill. Sally Struthers is a bit heavy. But don't say anything, because she's pretty sensitive."
Sphinx,"Oh, I would never say anything. I saw some show where they made fun of Sally Struthers' weight, and I thought it was totally cruel. I mean, she helps people, you know."
Connelly,"Ah, Ms. Struthers."
Sally,Oh ho ho ho.  Un chaka solo david. Saime no Chewbacca dakaiminbi? ho ho.
Connelly,Ms. Struthers. We understand you have helped raise millions of dollars to help starving children in Ethiopia.
Sally,Oh? Makarendae bi cho.  Ho ho ho.
Connelly,We need information on one of the Ethiopians. You must tell us everything you know about him.
Sally,Do ba kim.
Sphinx,"Uh, heh-his name is Starving Marvin."
Sally,Jonoba unko chocolate Yum Yum bar ancho?
Connelly,"Why, yes. It is a chocolate Yum Yum bar, Ms. Struthers , and there are several more where that came from.  Of course, if you don't want to tell us about the Ethiopian boy..."
Sally,Mmmmo na ka!
Connelly,I'm... glad we can do business.
Stan,"Come on, dude. There's gotta be somethin' about Starvin' Marvin in the news."
Cartman,"Well, I can't find anything- wait. What's this?"
Pat,"Uh, God wants you to send us money. He needs you to send us money so we can help others."
Cartman,"Oh, my God, this guy again."
Kyle,Why would anybody send this asshole money?
Kenny,(To pay for the pockets on his peehole)
Kyle,Yeh-hah.
Boys,Whoa!
Cartman,"Oh! Aww!  Oh, weak!"
Kyle,Starvin' Marvin!
Marvin,Bongi groinit * *.
Kyle,He did take a ship.
Cartman,"Well nice job, Marvin! I hope you got about a thousand dollars to pay for my house!"
Marvin,Ingan *.
Stan,"Dude, you're gonna get busted for taking this thing."
Marvin,Chede gwodum * * godom.
Kyle,I think he wants us to get in.
Stan,"Kick ass!  Wow, this thing is awesome!"
Kyle,Let's go somewhere.
Singer,"Soaring so high above the world,Never thought I could be so free."
Stan,Wow!
Kyle,Yes!
Singer,"I'm one with the birds, and magic is all I see."
Stan,This is great!
Cartman,"Yeah, but where's that crappy song coming from? Could you turn that off?"
Marvin,Gmmm?
Stan,"Yeah, that's better."
Man,Oooh.
Hollis,Hello? Howare we doing today? Look what I got for you.
Man,Nn * wohg *?
Hollis,"No, it's not food. It's a cross.  And it has your Christian name printed on it. From now on, you are Michael. Can you say ""Michael""?  Mmmi-chael.  Oh, well. You'll get it.  Hello, brother David. Do you have any sins to confess?  Anybody? Sins to confess? Joshua?  You know, today I'm reminded of Psalm 46, line 39: ""Though the mountains shake and th-"""
Connelly,Here they are!
Hollis,Who are you?
Connelly,We're with the American government! Sally Struthers told us where we'd find Marvin's parents!
Sphinx,"Hello there, Mr. and Mrs. Clickclickderk. I think you know why we're here."
Kyle,"No, dude, you don't wanna bring your people to Mexico, there's missionaries there, too."
Marvin,Blubedegub?
Cartman,"No way, not Utah. Utah's nothin' but missionaries."
Stan,"Dude, it looks like he's tried everywhere in the world."
Cartman,"Well, he hasn't been here yet. Where's this?"
Boys,Whooaaa!
Stan,"What the hell did you hit, Cartman?!"
Kyle,"Oh, my God! What the hell is that thing?!"
Boys,Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Kyle,Where are we?
Marvin,Gobin gobedo * * gowog.
Stan,"We're on like, some foreign planet."
Kyle,This place is rad. Look at all the trees and stuff.
Marvin,Gewhit * * Gewit um hebed wabaduh. Gabalah.
Marvin,Badak bladla buk.
Marklar Leader,Greetings. Welcome to Marklar.
Stan,"Uh, thanks."
Marklar Leader,"I am Marklar, leader of the Marklar."
Stan,"U-uh, cool. My name is Stan, and a-uh, I'm the leader of Earth."
Marklar Leader,Marklar to you.
Stan,Cool!
Cartman,Ey! I'm the leader of Earth!
Stan,"Screw you, Cartman! I called leader first!"
Cartman,"Well, you can call leader 'til your ass bleeds, but that doesn't make it true!"
Marklar Leader,We are very thankful to you for bringing our marklar back to us.
Kyle,Wait. I thought you called your planet Marklar.
Marklar Leader,"Oh, here on Marklar, we refer to all people, places, and things as marklar."
Kyle,"Well, our friend Marvin and all his people have to live on a part of Earth that sucks ass. They can't grow food or nothin'."
Stan,"Yeah, so it would be really cool if you would let Marvin and all his people come live here."
Marklar Leader,"Well, there is a lot of room on Marklar. If Marklar here wants to bring his marklar to Marklar, that would be fine. Just take our marklar back to Marklar and bring all the marklar back with you."
Stan,Uuh. Thanks.
Marvin,* *.
Connelly,"Let's go through this one more time, Mr. and Mrs. Clickclickderk! Your son Marvin has the ship that we want! How can we get it from him?"
Sphinx,"We are the CIA. That ship needs to be with us! Maybe we should just take something precious of yours, huh?!  Daha!  This! This gourd-thingy, for instance. How do you like that, huh? If you ever wanna see this... little... thingy again, I suggest you contact your boy!"
Sphinx,There it is!
Marvin,Muwuhbuh * * mlamleblubluh mjek.
Connelly,"Back away from the space craft, children!"
Stan,"Nno. No, it's okay. The ship took us to another planet. A beautiful, lush place called Marklar."
Kyle,"Yeah. And the leader, he said that all the Ethiopians can go live there."
Hollis,Alien race? Have they... heard the word of Christ?
Cartman,"No, never. It's perfect."
Hollis,"Ooh, no. Those poor souls. We must spread the Gospel to them."
Stan,What??
Marvin,*.  Mluglu dja mugm blugabeb * * *.
Kyle,"Come on, Marvin! We've gotta get your people to Marklar before the missionaries do!"
Connelly,You'll do nothing of the kind! This ship is now property of the United States Government!
Kyle,No!
Marvin,Dor dor binor hm ghm.
Sphinx,Call those boys' mothers.  I'm sure they'll be very interested in the trouble their boys have been up to.
Kyle,"Oh, no, dude!"
Pat,"You know, Susan, the uh-there are so many great missionaries doing work, out there in in in-in parts of Africa, and uh we're trying to get Bibles to people all over the world. And what we need, is the help of everyone out there so that we can continue these, these projects. Now, listen to this, Susan.  Wha-one of our missionaries in North Africa has made an amazing discovery. U-u-uh a new planet, in the in the galaxy Alpha Seti VI, that has intelligent life on it."
Susan,Amazing.
Pat,"Yeah. We're not sure what these hyper-intelligent beings look like, but one thing is for sure: they've never heard of Jesus Christ."
Susan,What can we do at the 600 Club to help those poor aliens?
Pat,"Well, what we need, Susan, is we need money to build an interstellar cruiser.  Now, this space ship will be able to travel through a wormhole and deliver the message and guh-glory of Jesus Christ to those godless aliens. S-send your money now. Amen."
Connelly,I want everyone to keep a safe distance from the craft until we can run some tests.
FBI Agent,"E-excuse me, gentlemen, uh Tom Brokaw is here to see you."
Sphinx,"Tom Brokaw? Oh no, the press already?"
Sphinx,"Uh huh.  Mr. Brokaw, I presume."
Connelly,"Look, kid. Did you really think this was going to fool anybody? You don't look anything like Tom Brokaw."
Kyle,"I told you Tom Brokaw doesn't have a mustache, fatass!"
Marvin,"* * wughum chughum * *, * *."
Connelly,Alright boys. Time to get back to your quarters.
Stan,Oh.
Connelly,Son of a bitch!
Stan,Run for it!
Connelly,Get 'em!
Cartman,"Wah-ey. Come on you guys, wait!"
Kyle,Watch out! Here I come!
Kenny,"(Hey, you guys, I'm a little bit be-)  (Oof.)"
Kyle,Kenny!
Cartman,Forget him! He's done for!
Stan,"He's not done for, he's standing right there."
Kenny,"(You guys, just fly away!)"
Cartman,"No, no, he's done for. Come on!"
Sphinx,Nooo!
Connelly,"Damnit, damnit, damnit!"
Stan,"Alright, we made it!"
Kyle,"Okay, Marvin. Time to take your people to their new home!"
Marvin,Gakchak ghm.
Kyle,What was that?
Hollis,"This is the Missionary 600. We have you locked on ""fire: ready."" Turn back right now."
Boys,Aaaa!
Ethiopians,Whoa!
Stan,They're shooting at us.
Kyle,"Quick, Marvin. Get us to Marklar."
Marvin,"Midik, gmanjaum * *."
Kyle,"Well, how'd we do it last time??"
Stan,"Cartman just hit the button, and the ship flew itself."
Kyle,"Which button did you press, Cartman??"
Cartman,U-u-huh. I don't remember.
Kyle,You don't remember?!
Stan,"You dumbass, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Hey, I was under duress! Maybe it waaas this one."
Singer,Soaring so high above the world.
The Boys,Aawwww!
Singer,Never-
Hollis,The ship seems to be made out of a... super-strong alloy. These lasers aren't powerful enough.
Pat,"Everyone, the Word of God is going around the world and all your help is so greatly appreciated. Eh-oo What we need now is an argon crystal laser.  Eh you see, an argon crystal laser can pierce thick space holes in a way that other lasers just can't. Send your money now. Uuh-I th-thank you."
Sally,Onadonakami?
Connelly,"Ms. Struthers, we understand that you have a ship of your own. One capable of interstellar travel."
Sally,Chewmbacca vije dai gwo.
Sphinx,We need to use your ship to catch those boys. We will do anything for that technology.
Sally,Juodo nakahobi? Ho ho ho ho.
Sphinx,"Ms. Struthers, if those Ethiopians make it to another planet, who will send money to your foundation? Without Ethiopians, you have no food."
Sally,Wo? Wo chaka gom??
Connelly,"Oh, that won't be a problem, Ms. Struthers. We have... collateral."
Kenny,"(Oh my God, I get it.)"
Sally,Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho.
Hollis,I have the infidels in my sight.
Cartman,Holy shit!
Ethiopians,Whoa!
Marvin,Doye dondabuh.
Crew,Aaah.
Hollis,"Holy crap, they have photon torpedoes."
Pat,"Uhnow, our deflector shields are useless against phorton torpedoes, and we really need your support on this one, folks. Here at the 600 Club we need your money to spread the Word of Jesus, and build more advanced deflector shields for our galactic cruiser. Call now, and we'll give you this free pin."
Stan,"You got 'em, Marvin."
Kyle,"Yeah, now finish 'em off!"
Computer,Warning. Deflector shields failing.
Kyle,Where did that come from??
Sally,Ho ho ho ho.
Connelly,Good! Now get them in our tractor beam!
Hollis,Now we've got 'em!
Sally,Ho ho ho ho.
Cartman,It's Sally Struthers!
Hollis,"Well, it appears they'll be going back to Ethiopia, so we can go on to the aliens."
Kyle,"Sorry, Marvin. We tried."
Cartman,Wait. Ms. Struthers? Ms. Struthers!
Sally,Wo?
Cartman,"Ms. Struthers, please. Just listen to me for one second. You started the Feed the Children Foundation for wonderful reasons: to help starving, helpless people who live in a rotten part of the world. Well, it's for those reasons we wanna help our friend Marvin now."
Sally,Holna chewbacca?
Sphinx,"Ms. Struthers, don't forget the gift we gave you: the child in carbonite."
Sally,Dama doko nou na oh.
Cartman,"Ms. Struthers. You helped so many people, and you've taught us that helping people is what life is all about. All we wanna do is... be like you."
Sally,"Oh, foada!"
Cartman,She bought it.
Stan,Sally Struthers is saving us!
Pat,"Uh, now, now, stay with me on this one, folks. Uh, Sally Struthers has a Tiberian junker , which is uh the favorite ship of the Hutts, and she has trapped oureh, our our new CBC ship in an uh  poe-sitronic tractor beam.  Uh, so we're gonna need an ionic tractor disruptor. Now now, not a regular ionic di- tractor disruptor, but a negative ionic tractor disruptor to uh, help spread the Word of Jesus.  I don't have a fucking idea up here."
Stan,Now's our chance!
Cartman,Wait. I remember. It was the red button!
Hollis,They've opened the wormhole!
Kyle,It's pulling us in!
Boys,Aaaah!
Kyle,Marvin...
Marklar,"Please, please, please. We are confused. You must explain one at a Marklar."
Hollis,"Alien friend, we are here to spread the Word of Jesus. He died for your sins."
Marklar,Who? Marklar?
Stan,"We brought Marvin and his people to live here, but these buttholes followed us."
Marklar,Brought m- marklar??
Hollis,"What is ""marklar""?"
Marklar,Yyou're marklar; everyone and everything is referred to as marklar.
Sphinx,Doesn't that get confusing?
Marklar,"Oh no. Watch this. Hey, Marklar!"
Marklar,Yes?
Marklar,You see?
Kyle,"Wait. Wait. I think I can explain this whole thing. Marklar, these marklars want to change your marklar. They don't want Marklar or any of these marklars to live here because it's bad for their marklar. They use Marklar to try and force marklars to believe they're marklar. If you let them stay here, they will build marklars and marklars. They will take all your marklars and replace them with Marklar. These marklar have no good marklar to live on Marklar, so they must come here to Marklar. Please, let these marklars stay where they can grow and prosper without any marklars, marklars, eh or marklars."
Marklar,"Young marklar, your marklars are wise and true."
Hollis,What the hell did he say?
Stan,"Wow! Good job, dude!"
Kyle,Thanks.
Marklar,The marklars can stay!
Ethiopians,Wooo!
Boys,Alright!
Cartman,"Alright,"
Marklar,You marklars must leave.
Hollis,But you will all burn forever in eternal hellfire.
Marklar,"Yes, that's nice. Thank you for stopping by."
Stan,"Well Marvin, it was sure cool seeing you again."
Marvin,Chak chak glika gm gm guchab mglup.
Kyle,"No, we gotta go. Sally Struthers is gonna give us a ride back to Earth."
Sally,Bwo chaaga bi.
Boys,"Goodbye, Marvin."
Marvin,Chak chak m geteaub m * *.
Stan,Maybe we'll come and visit sometime.
Cartman,"Yeah, and maybe Jesse Jackson will be President, heh."
Stan,Dude!
Cartman,What? We're not gonna come visit him.
Stan,"I know, but you don't tell him that!"
Cartman,"T'heh, whatever."
DVDA,[I am ChewbaccaI am a WookieI am ChewbaccaI have no homeMy home is whereMy spirit goes]
DJ,"We're here live at the KOZY 102.1 Halloween Haunt at the South Park docks! Come on down! We've got a haunted house  and everyone is decorating for tomorrow night,  HALLOWEEN, when the band KoRn, that's right, KoRn, is going to play live! And don't forget to wear a costume tomorrow, because there's a big first prize! Why, here's some kids enjoying the Halloween Haunt now!  Say boys, what do you think of KOZY-FM's Halloween Haunt so far?"
Stan,"This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt."
DJ,"Uh-hall right! Well, enjoy the spooky docks, kids."
Cartman,Hey you guys!  You know what time of year it is?
Kyle,"Of course, dumbass, it's Halloween."
Cartman,"That's right, and that means only two more months till Christmas! You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry—"
Stan,Christmas?
Cartman,—Christmastime is presents for me.
Jimbo,"Aw, nuts! Come on, Ned, this ain't no whore house, it's a hor-ROR house."
Guests in line,Awwww!
Cartman,"Eeyyy , Spooky Laboratory, you guys."
Kyle,"Those things are stupid, Cartman. They just stick your hand in cold spaghetti and tell you it's intestines and stuff."
Cartman,"Well, I'm going to Spooky Laboratory!  Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells..."
Guide,"Welcome to Spooky Laboratory.  I'm your guide, Dr. Spookalot. Allow me to show around the lab."
Cartman,Cool!
Dr. Spookalot,Here I have a bowl of human eyeballs.
Cartman,Ewww-hoohooo.
Dr. Spookalot,And here you can feel the brains.
Cartman,"Oh-HO, grohoss."
Dr. Spookalot,And here you can feel the warm innards of the body
Cartman,"Eewww, it feels like cold spaghetti! You guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!"
Kenny,"(You guys, I'm gonna try and win that costume contest!)"
Kyle,"Give it up, Kenny! You're not gonna win that costume contest! Your costumes always suck."
Boy in Green Shirt,BOO!
"Stan, Kyle, Kenny",Aaaaah!
Boy in Green Shirt,"Ha ha ha ha ha! We scared you, chickens!"
Stan,W-we weren't scared!
Boy in Green Shirt,"Oh no? Well, you should be!  The pirate ghosts are gonna come getcha!"
Kyle,The what?
Boy in Green Shirt,Didn't you know? There's an old legend in South Park that says these docks are haunted by pirate ghosts.
Kyle,Nuh-uh.
Boy in Green Shirt,Yuh-huh. They roam these docks with their swords and hook-hands  looking for victims tuh...  cut up!
Kenny,(Hoh!)
Stan,That's just an old legend.
Pirate Ghost cutout,Rar!
"Stan, Kyle, Kenny",Aaaaah!
Boy in Green Shirt,"Ha ha ha ha, gotcha again, heh ha ha!  Just wait till tomorrow! We're gonna scare you kids to death! Ha ha ha haa!"
Cartman,"You guys, my hand totally smells like spaghetti now. Smell it."
Stan,I'm sick of those fifth graders scaring us all the time! We should come up with a way to scare them!
Kyle,Yeah! Let's see how they like it!
DJ,"Joining me now is Father Maxi, from the South Park Church. Father, what do you think of all the preparations here at the docks?"
Priest Maxi,Halloween is an abomination of God! A celebration of the occult-eh!
DJ,"Yeah, and how about KoRn playing the big concert tomorrow? Pretty exciting, huh?"
Priest Maxi,"KoRn is a devil-worshiping group that plays violent music! If we allow that demon band to play on this most unholy of holidays, we may incur the full wrath of evil!"
DJ,"Alriight, we'll see you tomorrow for Halloween! In the meantime  here's a KOZY hit by Barry Manilow."
Stan,"Come on, you guys, think! How can we scare the fifth graders? It has to be something reeaally scary."
Cartman,"We could get a big scary plastic spider, and dangle it in front of them on a string... s- spooky spider, that's pretty scary."
Kyle,"That's not scary, fatass!"
Stan,"Well, come on! We can think of something better than stupid pirate ghosts!"
Pirate Ghosts,Darrrr!
Jonathan,Are you sure we're goin' the right way?
David,I don't know. This map doesn't make any sense.
Head,"That's because you've got it upside down, chowderhead!"
David,Oops.
Fieldy,When are we gonna get to the gig? I'm starving.
Jonathan,Don't think about it. We'll just keep playing our game. Ready? I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter T!
Munky,I know! A t-ree!
Jonathan,You've got it. I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter R.
David,A road?
Jonathan,That's it!
Pirates,Darrrr!
Jonathan,"Okay, here's one. I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter P."
Head,The letter P?
Fieldy,What the heck starts with the letter P?
Jonathan,Puh-pirate ghosts!
All,Aaaaah!
Cartman,"Mom! You got the new Duffy's catalog! I-I'm gonna circle everything I want for Christmas, okay? Mom? Okay? O-kay , let's see.  I waant... thiis... aand... this...  and...  let's see, comes with so...  ...comes with two bars , so there we go, have that...  and, let's see..."
Liane,"Eric, your little friends are here."
Cartman,"Mom, mom! You wanna see what I want for Christmas?"
Liane,"E-heric, it's only Halloween."
Cartman,That's only 72 shopping days left for you!
Stan,"Come on, fatass, we have to go!"
Cartman,"Ey! Don't call me fat!  Mom, don't laugh."
Liane,"I'm sorry, hon,"
Cartman,I can't go with you guys right now.
Stan,"Yes you can, porky."
Cartman,"Mom, seriously!"
Liane,"Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, his big-boned."
Kyle,"He must have a huge bone in his ass, then."
Cartman,"God-damnit, mom!"
Cartman,"God, I hate you guys!"
Stan,"Okay, so we figured out how to scare the fifth graders."
Cartman,How?
Stan,What's the scariest thing we could get?
Cartman,Spooky spider?
Stan,No!  A dead body.
Kyle,"Yeah, fatass, a dead body."
Cartman,"You mean, we make something that looks like a dead body?"
Stan,"We could never make one that looks real enough.  To be really scary, it would have to be real."
Kyle,"Yeah, fatass, it has to be real to be scary!"
Cartman,So where the hell are we going to get a dead body?
Stan,We're gonna dig up Kyle's dead grandma.
Kyle,"Yeah, fatass, we're gonna dig up-  Dig up Kyle's dead grandma??"
Stan,"Dude, she's perfect. She only died, like, three months ago, right?"
Kyle,Are you insane?!
Cartman,U-hi think that's a sweet idea!
Kenny,(Yeah!)
Kyle,Dude! We're not digging up my grandma; I'll get in trouble.
Stan,"All we have to do is sneak in the graveyard, dig her up, scare the fifth graders, then put her back before anyone notices she's gone,"
Kyle,"Naww, let's dig up somebody else."
Stan,"Relax, dude. What's the big deal? Think about it: if your grandma knew that she could help you, even in death, she would want to."
Cartman,This is gonna be fun!
Cartman,"Just hear those sleigh bells jingle-in', ring ting tingle-in' too Outside it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you, and you, and you."
Stan,"Cartman, will you stop singing Christmas carols? We have to be quiet, or else we're gonna get busted!"
Kyle,"This must be it. ""Cleo Broflovski"" That's my grandma."
Stan,"Well, let's dig 'er up!"
Kyle,Wait. I don't know if this is cool.
Stan,Of course it's cool! She's gonna be all rotted and scary!
Kyle,I don't think my mom would want me doin' this.
Cartman,"""Ooh, I don't wanna dig up my dead grandma 'cause I'm such a goody-two-shoes!""  Ow."
Stan,"You guys be quiet! Now, do you wanna get back at the fifth graders or not?!"
Kyle,"I don't really care, dude."
Stan,"Yes you do! Now, dig!"
Cartman,"Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling, ""You-hoo""..."
Stan,"Okay. It's almost open. Ready? One, two, three!  Whoa, dude."
Kyle,"Oh, my God.  Hi, ...Grandma."
A voice,"Hi, Kyle."
Kyle,Aaaah!
Cartman,"Have you been a good boy, Kyle? Have you been making Grandma proud?"
Kyle,"Damnit, Cartman, that's not funny!"
Stan,"Eheh, yes, it ihis, heh."
Cartman,"Heh heh, I'm sweet."
Kyle,"Alright, alright, let's get this over with so we can put her back!"
Stan,"Okay, grab the sled."
Cartman,"Silver Bells, Silver Bells, it's Christmas time in the city..."
Stan,"Okay. Let's just hide her here, and tomorrow, during the Halloween party, we'll come back in our costumes and use her to scare the fifth graders."
Kyle,How exactly are we gonna use her to scare them?
Cartman,"We could shove a stick up her ass and use her like a puppet: ""Rowr, rowr, I'm scary Grandma!"""
Kyle,"Alright, that does it, Cartman! That's my grandma! You show her some God-damned respect!"
Male voice,O-o-o-o-oh.
Stan,Who was that?
Kyle,Cartman?!
Cartman,It wasn't me!
Male voice,Who-o-oa.
Stan,"Dude, not cool. This is scary."
The Boys,Wa-a-a-ah!
Munky,"Hey! Like, it's just some kids."
Jonathan,"Oh, fwooh, I was really scared there, for a second."
Stan,"Hay, you're that band KoRn."
Jonathan,"Yeah. I'm Jonathan , and this is Munky , David , Fieldy , and Head . And over there is our pal, Nibblet.  Hey, where'd Nibblet go?"
Nibblet,"Uh-huh, Nibblet likes potato chips."
KoRn,Nibblet!
Nibblet,Okay.
Stan,What are you guys doing out here?
Head,We were just driving our van when all of a sudden we were run off the road by some super-spooky pirate ghosts.
Stan,"Aw, dude, that was just the fifth graders."
Kyle,Yeah. They're tryin' to scare everybody 'cause they're gay wads.
Stan,Don't worry. We're about to go get 'em back.
Jonathan,"Oh, swell. We're supposed to play here tomorrow. Do you know where the stage is?"
Stan,"Yeah, dude. It's right over there."
KoRn,O-kay!
Jonathan,"Oh, hi. We're KoRn. We're supposed to play the Halloween concert tomorrow."
Priest Maxi,I know who you are and what you stand for! I think your music and Halloween is an abomination!
Jonathan,Groovy! Could you show us where to set up?
Stan,"Alright, let's just set her over here behind these boxes."
Kyle,Shouldn't we hide her better than that?
Stan,"Kyle, will you stop worrying? God! Now, we'll all be back here tomorrow with our costumes, and then, when the Halloween party gets going, we'll bust out dead Grandma! Let's go!"
Kyle,Wait till you guys see my costume! It's gonna be sweet!
Kenny,(Mine is so fuckin' badass it's gotta win now!)
Cartman,"Oh, come on, Kenny! You never have a sweet costume! You're not gonna win the costume contest!"
Kenny,"(Yes I am! I've got the costume; it's waiting in the house! Yesterday I got this huge package in the mail, and it was big, okay?)"
Sheila,"Hold on, kids."
Brunet,Mrs. Broflovski?
Sheila,Yes?
Brunet,We're from Mt. Peaceful Cemetery. Could we have a word with you?
Sheila,"Eehh, sure, come in.  What is it?"
Brunet,Ms. Broflovski... somebody has defiled your mother's grave.
Sheila,Defiled? How?
Blond,"Well, I'm afraid that... somebody dug her up."
Sheila,Dug her up? Why??
Brunet,Well. The- most likely reason is that... somebody wanted to have sex with her dead body.
Blond,Yeahp.
Sheila,What?!
Brunet,"Uhuh, we don't want to upset you, but it happens. Somebody's probably making love to her corpse as we speak."
Blond,"Every vile position, every disrespectful act imaginable."
Sheila,"Hoh, dear God!"
Brunet,Yes. By now he's probably even removed her eyes and made love to the empty sockets as well.
Sheila,Oooh.
Blond,"No-, we don't want to upset you, but you should know that your mother's body would be stiff and dry, so he would have to have it soaked in warm water for several hours before making love to it."
Sheila,O-o-o-o-oh!
Brunet,"Yes. And, now for the difficult part."
Blond,Brace yourself.
Brunet,"It is highly possible that he has created new orifices in her decomposing flesh, leaving her to look something like — an overloved hunk of Swiss cheese. She probably-"
Sheila,"Okay, okay! I get the point! Just tell me what you're gonna do about it!"
Brunet,...Do?
Blond,"Oh, we don't do anything. We're just the watchmen."
Brunet,"Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might wanna call the police or something."
Sheila,O-o-ogh!
Brunet,"Now, he probably would make love to the dead body in a cool dry place, so as not to allow further decomposition."
Delivery Man,Package delivery for Mrs. Cartman?
Cartman,"A package? Oh, really? Well, I think I can sign for that!"
Delivery Man,"Sign heah, and heah, and heah."
Cartman,"I got a Christmas present! I got a Christmas present!  ...Maybe I can see what it is. I'll just open one little corner.  Let's see here.  That's good, I'll rewrap it later!  Oh, sweet! Life-sized blow-up Antonio Banderas love doll! With realistic geni-ta-lia.  Oh, this kicks ass! What a cool Christmas present my mom got!"
DJ,"It's Halloween day, so come on down to the docks and bring your costumes!"
Stan,Where's Kenny? He said he had the best Halloween costume ever.
Cartman,Nyah nyahnyahnyah nyah nyah. Guess wha-at I got? Antonio Banderas blow-up doll. You guys didn't get one.
Stan,"Where's your costume, fatass?"
Cartman,"Screw Halloween, I already got my Christmas present! In a few days I'll wrap it back up, and then when I open it on Christmas, I'll act all, like, surprised, like ""Oh Mother, Antonio Banderas life-sized blow-up doll! What a surprise!"""
Stan,"Hey, Kenny."
Kenny,"(Hey, guys. Uh, check out this kick-ass cool costume.)"
Cartman,"U-huh, nice costume, Kenny. If you think you're gonna win with that, huh!"
Stan,Alright. The fifth graders are gonna be here soon. Let's get Kyle's grandma!  This is gonna be sweet
Cartman,"Uuh, problem, guys."
Stan,What's the problem?
Cartman,Nno Grandma.
Kyle,No Grandma??
Cartman,Nno Grandma.
Kyle,She's not here!
Stan,She has to be here!
Kyle,"Well, she's not here! That's just great! Thanks a lot, Stan! You're gonna get me busted again!"
Barbrady,"Okay, people. I know we all want to get down to the docks for the Halloween Haunt, but first we just need to inform you about thee- people or persons out there digging up bodies to have sex with them. Gentlemen?"
Brunet,"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. A person who steals bodies to have sex with them is called a necrophiliac. So that you all know what to expect, my partner Alan has a sketch of what having sex with a dead body might look like."
Crowd,Ee-oooh!
Brunet,"Yes, we know it's horrible. It's probably best you not look at it. Now, Alan will demonstrate what having sex with a dead body might sound like."
Crowd,Awwwgh!
Man,"Excuse me, how is this helping?"
Barbrady,"That's it, folks. Now, we can all go to the docks and enjoy the Halloween Haunt."
Pirate voice,"Noo! Don't go to the docks!  Aarrrgh!  Argh, I'm Captain Bly! You land-lubbers had better stay away from the docks! Or else, there'll be hell to pay!  Fire the cannon!  Har harharharhar!"
Pirate Ghost 2,Arrrgh!
Captain Bly,We won't warn ya again! Stay away from our docks!
Priest Maxi,"I warned you! I told you this would happen!  When you allow bands like KoRn to come to town and play your hedonistic Halloween concerts, this is what you get!"
Jonathan,"Great rehearsal, gang. That was really groovy. Let's practice one more time before the show starts."
DJ,"Aah, guys, I'm sorry, but the Halloween Haunt's been cancelled."
Jonathan,Cancelled?
DJ,"You best clear out of here! There's pirate ghosts, and they'll kill you."
Jonathan,"Well gang, it looks like we have to pack it up."
The Others,Awww.
Kyle,"God-damnit! Now, what the hell are we gonna do?!"
Munky,"Oh, hey! The kids from last night."
Head,Wow! Is that the Antonio Banderas life-sized blow-up doll?
David,"Hey, Kenny."
Kenny,"(Aw, man!)"
Jonathan,"Say, what's the matter? You kids look kind of glum."
Kyle,Somebody took my dead grandma.
Fieldy,What?
Stan,"We dug her up 'cause we wanted to scare the fifth graders, but then, something took her body away."
Kyle,Now she's doomed to walk the earth in limbo.
Fieldy,"Aw, I hate to see little clowns cry."
Jonathan,"Well, that does it. Somethin' funny is going on here. Your missing grandma must be connected somehow to those creepy pirate ghosts."
David,"They're not pirate ghosts, Jonathan, they're ghost pirates."
Jonathan,Huh?
David,"""Pirate ghost"" would suggest that a pirate died, and became a ghost, but a ghost pirate is a ghost that later made a conscious decision to be a pirate."
Munky,"No, David. Then they are pirate ghosts, because they're the ghosts of pirates."
Fieldy,"You're wrong, because there were no pirates in Colorado. So these must be ghosts that have decided to become pirates after the fact."
Jonathan,But that makes them pirate ghosts.
David,No. It makes them ghost pirates.
Munky,Pirate ghosts!
Head,Guys! Guys! Guys! Fighting isn't gonna solve anything. Don't you see? This is exactly what those ghost pirates want us to do.
Jonathan,Pirate ghosts.
Kyle,"Then, you'll help us?"
Jonathan,"Sure, we'll help you. If there's one thing we like more than playing music, it's solvin' a groovy mystery."
The Boys,Al-right!
Chef,Is everybody okay?
Sheila,People stealing bodies to have sex with them? Pirate ghosts destroying the town? When did everything go so wrong?
Gerald,"I hate to say it, but I think Priest Maxi was right. This is what we get for celebrating Halloween and allowing that band KoRn to come play."
Mr. Garrison,He's right! Nothin' ever went wrong in this town before that evil KoRn band showed up.
Sharon,"Well, I say we go find them and kick their devil-worshiping butts out of town!"
Crowd,Yeah!
Randy,Lynch mob!
Man,Down with KoRn!
Jonathan,So this is where you last saw your dead grandma.
Kyle,Right.
Stan,Maybe there really are pirate ghosts and they took her inside.
Jonathan,"Alright, gang, we have to split up and look for clues."
Stan,How should we split up?
Jonathan,"I know. Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life, which they can overcome, go this way,  and everyone whose insecurities sabotage their potential to overcome those obstacles go that way."
KoRn,O-kay!
Kyle,Wow! That was easy.
Randy,Here's their van! Here's their van!
Woman,Let's flip it over!
Some Folks,Yeah!
Barbrady,"Okay, people, let's try to stay orderly. The best way to do this is, all get on one side and push it from the top."
Man,Devil worshipers!
Crowd,Yeah!
Man 2,"Come on, they gotta be around here somewhere!"
Stan,This place gives me the creeps.
Jonathan,"Say, this looks like a clue.  ""Pirate Lore of South Park."" Hmmm. Now, why would pirate ghosts need a book on pirates?"
Kyle,Whoa. What was that?
Jonathan,"The noise came from in here. Stay close, everybody!"
Fieldy,"Oh, no! I lost my glasses."
Head,What does this dead grandma look like?
Cartman,"Uh, she was all, like, crunchy and crispy and stuff."
David,"Hey, I got an idea.  We should set a groovy trap."
Munky,Good idea.
Cartman,How do we trap a bunch of pirate ghosts?
David,"We need something that might catch their eye to use as bait. I know, your Antonio Banderas love doll."
Cartman,"Oh, no! This is my Christmas present! If anything happens to it, my mom will know I opened it early!"
Munky,"Come on, kid. We all have to do our part, even Antonio."
Fieldy,"My glasses gotta be around here somewhere.  Is that you, Jonathan? Boy, I'm glad to see you. I lost my glasses."
Peg-leg,Raaarrrgh!
Fieldy,"Hey, you got a cold, Jonathan?"
Peg-leg,Raarraarrgh!
Fieldy,"Yeah, that sounds like a groovy song, man! Remember that one!"
Jonathan,"Fieldy, what are you doing?!"
Fieldy,"Oh, I was talking to you, Jonathan. ...Hey, wait a minute. If you're over there, then how could you be over here? Unless you're actually a..."
All,Puh-puuhh pirate ghost!
Peg-leg,Raaarrrgh!
David,"Okay. Here's how the trap will work. When the pirate ghosts walk in, they should go right for Antonio Banderas.  When they hit the super-slippery floor, they'll slide onto this mining cart, which should travel down this path, into the next room, where the fish net will fall on them."
Cartman,"Wow, cool!"
Munky,Hey! Somebody's coming.
Secure Group,Aaaaah!
Stan,We've got to hide!
Jonathan,"Hey, there's Antonio Banderas! He'll help us.  Mr. Banderas!"
David,"Jonathan, no!"
Secure group,Aaaah!
Head,"Oh, no!"
Secure group,Aaaah!
Stan,Ow!
David,"Hold on, guys!"
Brunet,"Alright, KoRn, time for you to get out of town!"
Pirate Ghosts,Aarrrrgh.
Crowd,Aaaaaah!
Randy,KoRn is sending their demon minions upon us!
Crowd,Aaaaaah!
Jonathan,"Alright, gang. Looks like we're gonna have to use our special KoRn powers.  KoRn powers, vitalize!"
Munky,Munky!
David,David!
Fieldy,Fieldy!
Head,Head!
Jonathan,Jonathan!
KoRn,Form of... CORN!
Jonathan,"Alright! Great job, gang!"
Cartman,That didn't help at all.
Head,We know. It's just cool to do.
Pirate Ghosts,Aarrrrgh!
Nibblet,Nibblet!
KoRn,Nibblet!
Barbrady,What the hell is that thing??
David,"You did it, Nibblet! You trapped them!"
Jonathan,"Yeah. And now let's see who these pirate ghosts really are!  Oh, I guess they really were pirate ghosts."
Barbrady,"Alright, KoRn, you can stop your demonic shenanigans and come downtown with me!"
Nibblet,"Hehey, look what Nibblet sees."
Priest Maxi,Whoa!
Chef,What the...?
Man,Father Maxi?
Priest Maxi,"Well, what are you waiting for, Barbrady?! Arrest that band!"
Barbrady,Oh?
Jonathan,No! Arrest him!
Mob,Huh??
Jonathan,I think I've got this groovy mystery solved!
Chef,"Well, I must say I still don't get this at all."
Jonathan,"It's simple. Priest Maxi didn't want there to be a Halloween, so he decided to scare everyone away from the docks."
David,Yeah. And then he used this flashlight and some cotton swabs to create the ghosts.
Fieldy,Then all he needed was some sound effects created by this cup and a piece of cheese.  Aaaaraargh!
Jonathan,"And all he had to do then was create a ghost ship, by using some candles, a mirror, and two squirrels."
Chef,"Father, why did you go to all this trouble?"
Priest Maxi,"Because Halloween is an abomination of God. I would do anything to stop this wretched, unholy holiday!"
Chef,Including killing people and wreaking havoc all over South Park?
Brunet,Don't you see that by trying to stop Halloween you've scared the hell out of everybody?
Priest Maxi,No.
Barbrady,"Okay buddy, you can explain downtown!"
Sheila,"Well, this is all fine and good, but it doesn't explain what happened to my mother's body!"
Kyle,Yeah! Where's Grandma?
Mob,Eeewww!
Stan,There she is!
Mob,Oooh!
Man,Ho-hoh.
Chef,"Well thanks a lot, KoRn! You KoRn powers really came through for us!"
Sharon,Yes! We were wrong about you. Will you please play for our Halloween party?
Jonathan,"Well, sure. Why the heck not?"
Mob,All right!
Pirate Voice,Raarrrr!
Stan,"Oh, no! The pirate ghosts are back!"
All,Nibblet!
Nibblet,Uh oh!
Jonathan,"Well, this sure has been a wacky night, but me and the gang learned a lot, and we hope you did too. You all perceived us to be mean, evil people, but, really, we're just normal guys. And we all perceived pirate ghosts to be real when, actually, they were just cotton swabs. So I guess the lesson is: it's easy to perceive somethin' someway, and then be wrong. So we all need to learn to be a little less perceptive."
All,Yeah.
Jonathan,"The gang and I wrote a song about it, and it goes goes a little somethin' like this:And a-one, and-a-two, and a"
Stan,Boo!
Fifth Graders,Aaaah!
"Stan, Kyle",Sweet!
Cartman,"Antonio, no!  You son of a bitch chicken from outer space... thing, come back here!"
Mr. Garrison,"And the winner of the costume contest is  Wendy, for her Chewbacca costume! Come on up, Wendy."
Kenny,(Awww.)
Kenny,(What the hell? What the fuck is this?!)
Liane,"Eric, Mommy got you a present!"
Cartman,"A present?? Is it a rocket racer?? No, let me guess: It's a Frogman Jay doll! No wait, I know! It's a police power chopper!"
Liane,"Nnno, I got you something that's going to help you win the big spelling bee tomorrow."
Cartman,"Mom, I'm not going to win the spelling bee; I never do."
Liane,"This year is gonna be different. Look!  I got you ""Hooked On Monkey Fonics."""
Cartman,"What the hell is ""Hooked On Monkey Fonics?"""
Liane,It's a new way to learn how to read and spell. And it comes with everything you need to help win that spelling bee.  It says we just put the cassette into a tape player
Female Voice,"Welcome to ""Hooked On Monkey Fonics,"" level 1. I will read the sounds and the monkey will help keep the beat.  If your monkey arrived in the box dead, call 1-800-555-4500 to get a new monkey. Ready? Let's begin. The learning monkey is here to sayThat reading is easy and it's okay.Work with the monkey and you will learnTo spell hard words, like ""morbid"" and ""burn.""Start with Card 1.  Ready? Begin!  C, H.  Chalk."
Cartman,"C, H. ""Ch."" Chalk."
Female Voice,"Good. Card 2.  T, H.  There."
Cartman,"T, H. ""Th."" There. Hey, this is easy!  I'm gonna win the spelling bee for sure, Mom!"
Mayor,"All right, everyone. Welcome to the 15th Annual South Park Spelling Bee Finals!  This should be very interesting. We have with us twelve of the brightest spellers from South Park Elementary."
Jimbo,"Kyle, Kyle, he's our man. If he can't win it, I'm out 50 bucks."
Gerald,You bet money on my son to win?!
Jimbo,"Sure! When it comes to spelling bees, always bet on the Jew."
Cartman,"You're going down, bitch!"
Kyle,"Shut up, fatass! Everyone knows I can spell better than you."
Cartman,"Yeah, well this year I have a secret weapon!"
Mayor,"And, joining us this year, are the two home-schooled children, Rebecca and Mark Cotswolds!"
Jimbo,What?!
Cartman,Home-schooled kids? Who the hell are they?
Jimbo,"Ey, that's not fair! You can't let home-schooled kids into a public-school spelling bee!"
Kyle,"What's a ""home-schooled kid""?"
Stan,"I don't know, dude. I've never seen them before."
The Cotswolds,"Go, Mark! Go, Rebecca!"
Mayor,"Our first contestant is Mark Cotswolds, from home school.  All right, Mark. Your word is ""conscientious."""
Cartman,What?! What the fuck that that mean?
Mark,"""Conscientious."" May I have the definition, please?"
Mayor,Closely attentive to details. Careful.
Mark,"""Conscientious."" Could you use it in a sentence, please?"
Mayor,Mary's analysis of the spreadsheet was... conscientious.
Mark,"""Conscientious."" C O N S C I E N T I O U S."
Cartman,Holy crap!
The Cotswolds,"Way to go, Mark! Alright!"
Mayor,"Okay, our next contestant is Eric Cartman.  Alright, Eric, here's your word: chair. Chaaiirr."
Cartman,"Come on, Fonics Monkey, drum!  Come on!"
Mayor,"Eric, your word is ""chair."""
Cartman,Uuh. Definition?
Mayor,Something you sit on.
Cartman,Country of origin?
Mayor,English!
Cartman,Could you please use it in a sentence?
Mayor,"Oh, for Christ's sake, kid! The word is ""chair""!!"
Cartman,"Uh- chair. C H A R E  God damnit, how come I get the hard ones?!  Get over here, you son of a bitch Fonics Monkey!"
Mayor,"All right, we're down to just three finalists. First up is Rebecca Cotswolds from home school.  Alright, Rebecca. Here's your word: littoral."
Rebecca,"""Litoral."" Deh-finition?"
Mayor,Having to do with a lake or ocean.
Rebecca,"""Litoral."" Will you please use it in a sentence?"
Mayor,Gary was most interested in the littoral features of Michigan.
Rebecca,"""Littoral.""  L I T O R A L"
Mayor,Correct!
Kyle,Wow!
Mr. Cotswolds,"Alright, Rebecca. Good job, honey."
Mayor,Now we have Kyle Broflovski.  Here we go. Krocsyldiphithic.
Kyle,What??
Mayor,Krocsyldiphithic.
Kyle,Definition?
Mayor,Something which has a krocsyldiph-like quality.
Kyle,"Uh, could you use it in a sentence?"
Mayor,"Certainly. ""Krocsyldiphithic"" is a hard word to spell."
Kyle,"""Krocsyldiphic."""
Jimbo,"You can do it, kid! You can do it!"
Kyle,"""Krocsyldiphic."" C  Damnit!"
Jimbo,"You little bastard, you cost me fifty bucks.  Why don't you run away and join the circus, you stupid little son of a bitch?! Aaargh!"
Mayor,"Congratulations, Mark and Rebecca.  You are truly South Park's finest."
Stan,"Damn, dude. Those home-schooled kids are smart."
Cartman,Yeah. Too bad they have the personalities of a wet dishcloth.
Kyle,What's your name?
Rebecca,Guh what's in a name?
Kyle,Wooww.
Mark,It was nice competing against you boys. We will have to do it again sometime.
Cartman,"Oh, yes. We must do it again."
Stan,We've never seen you before. Do you live in the woods or something?
Mark,No. I live right over there.  I've lived there all my life.
Cartman,How come you don't go to school?
Mark,Because I'm home-schooled.
Stan,What's that?
Mark,My parent teach me. So I stay at home instead of going to school.
Cartman,You what? Stay at home? All day? No school?
Mark,Right.
Cartman,"Who would have thought such a miracle could be?Who could have known that this moment I would see?A new way of living, a chance to be free?"
Stan,"Shut up, Cartman?"
Cartman,"You shut up,  butthole."
Stan,"You shut up,  gaywad!"
Cartman,"You shut up,  ass-logger!"
Mark,"Oh my goodness, are you two enemies?"
Stan,"No, we're friends."
Mark,"Strange, friends would call each other names and fight."
Stan,What?
Mr. Cotswolds,"Come, children, let's take our trophies home and place them high up on the mantel."
Stan,"Dude, what a bunch of freakin' nerdos."
Mark,Papa?
Mr. Cotswolds,"Yes, Mark?"
Mark,Why can't I go to school with the other boys?
Mrs. Cotswolds,Oooh.
Mr. Cotswolds,"Well, because, son, public schools are inefficient and dangerous!"
Mark,"But I want to play with the other children. O, how they laugh and play, Papá."
Mrs. Cotswolds,"Mark, you have play time. You get to play in the afternoon."
Mark,"I just feel like I should go to public school, if only for a little while. To see what other little boys are like."
Mr. Cotswolds,"Mark, public schools are no good! Your mother and I were both home-schooled, and we turned out much better because of it."
Mark,"Please, Papá. Just let me try it for a few days."
Mr. Cotswolds,"Alright. Fine, Mark! You go ahead and go to public school! You can just find out for yourself how flawed and treacherous it is!"
Mark,Hooray!
Mr. Cotswolds,"You don't want to go to public school too, do you, Rebecca?"
Rebecca,"Oh, heavens, no."
Mr. Cotswolds,"Well, thank God for that! At least my daughter will remain safe!"
Kyle,"Uh, hi. Is, uh, is Rebecca home?"
Mrs. Cotswolds,Yes she is.
Kyle,"...Uuh, can I talk to her?"
Mrs. Cotswolds,"Oh. Well, I suppose so. Rebecca!  This little boy wants to see you."
Rebecca,Huhlo?
Kyle,"U-u-uh, hi."
Rebecca,Hel-lo.
Kyle,"Huuh, I wah... just ah... well... that's all."
Mr. Cotswolds,Who was that?
Mrs. Cotswolds,A little boy wanted to see Rebecca.
Mr. Cotswolds,Oh no. I told you the spelling bee was a bad idea.
Mrs. Cotswolds,"But the children won, and they were happy to meet the other children."
Mr. Cotswolds,"Yes, but now I think we may have opened a Pandora's box that we can't close!"
Mr. Garrison,"Hokay, children, we have a new student joining us from home school. Now, his parents are very worried about his safety, so please don't be too cruel to him. Mark?"
Mark,"Hey, guys. What's up?"
Cartman,"Dude, what's wrong with you? You got some kind of John Travolta disease?"
Mr. Garrison,"Alright, children, let's just try to pretend there isn't a little boy in a huge plastic hamster ball here, and go on with our studies. Now, who can tell me when Columbus sailed the seas and discovered America?  Ehyes, Mark?"
Cartman,Ey! How come you never pick me?!
Mr. Garrison,"Because you never know the right answer, butt-for-brains! Yes, Mark?"
Mark,"The answer is 1492. However, the Americas had already been discovered by many before him, including the Vikings and the Native Americans. And therefore, your question is a charade."
Cartman,"Aww, see? That's what I was gonna say!"
Mr. Garrison,"Well, very impressive, Mark. You should be able to throw the grading curve and flunk all these little bastards."
Stan,"Oh, God. This kid's gonna last about five seconds out on the playground."
Mr. Garrison,"Now, who can tell me what country Columbus was from?  Put your hand down, creampuff."
Cartman,That does it!  I do not need to sit here and be ridiculed! I'm gonna go be home-schooled from now on!
Stan,"You don't wanna be home-schooled, fatass."
Cartman,"I'm gonna be home-schooled, and leave all the pain and suffering of public school behind me! Screw you guys, I'm a-gonna be home-schooled!"
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, please God, let it be forever."
Stan,"Come on, Pip, say it. Say ""Please, hit me."""
Pip,"But, if I say that, you'll hit me."
Stan,"No! I'm gonna hit you if you don't say it. If you say ""Please, hit me,"" I won't hit you."
Pip,"Please, hit me."
Stan,All right.
Pip,Ooowww!
Stan,"Alright, we'll try this again, Pip."
Mark,"I don't understand. You seem to like that boy, yet hate him at the same time."
Craig,"Hey, kid. Get out of that hamster ball."
Mark,Oh. I promised my father I wouldn't.
Stan,"Oh, boy. Sorry, dude, you're on your own."
Butters,"Oowhy yu- you best do what he says, uh home-school kid. Why, this is our part of the playground, see? And uh, a-and if you don't follow our rules, whyuh, why we're gonna duct-tape ya to the bench."
Mark,You mean you would actually duct-tape my entire body to a bench? For what purpose?
Craig,"Just get out of the hamster ball, or else you're gonna find out!"
Boys,"Okay, let's get him..."
Butters,Got it.
Craig,"Have a nice second half of the day, nerdo!"
Butters,"Yeah why, why, you shouldn't be such a smart-mouthed Mr. Know-It-All!"
Mark,"Oh, dear."
Mr. Cotswolds,"Oh, where could he be? He should've been home from public school by now."
Mrs. Cotswolds,I'm sure he's alright.
Mr. Cotswolds,That must be him.
Mrs. Cotswolds,Waaaaah!
Mr. Cotswolds,"Oh my God, son!"
Mark,"Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad."
Mr. Cotswolds,"Mark, what have they done to you?!"
Mark,"Well, they duct-taped me to a bench."
Mrs. Cotswolds,But why?
Mark,"I don't know, mother. It didn't make any sense at all."
Mr. Cotswolds,"Well, you see? This is what happens at public schools!"
Mark,"But I want to go back tomorrow, papá."
Mrs. Cotswolds,What??
Mark,"Please, just give me one more day."
Mrs. Cotswolds,What do we do?
Mr. Cotswolds,"Well, if we're goin' to let him go back, it looks like I need to have a little talk with those other boys' fathers."
A voice,"Everywhere I go, I'm thinking of you, Rebecca.I don't know what to do, Rebecca.You're so nice, I'd like to get to know you better.So what do you say we get together?You really are quite good-looking, Rebecca!You really are quite good-looking, Rebecca!Rebecca, you're really quite good-looking!You're a fox."
Mr. Cotswolds,"Good evening, gentlemen. If I can have your attention for a few moments.  My son Mark was beat up in school today by your sons. I think it would be appropriate for you to talk with your sons, and instruct them to no longer tease or bother my boy."
Randy,"Uh, look, Mr...."
Mr. Cotswolds,Cotswolds.
Randy,"Mr. Cotswolds, we can't completely control what our kids do socially. That's..., you know, that's for them to figure out on their own."
Mr. Cotswolds,"Well, obviously, they need to be coached a little better.  And furthermore, your son has been harassing my little girl! I would like you to tell him to stop."
Gerald,"Hey, my son is just discovering love. Maybe your daughter is, too. They-uh, they need to know about that stuff."
Mr. Cotswolds,"Uh, hello-o? My girl is eight years old! What does she need to know about love?"
Randy,"Well, something. I mean, you can't just wait until she's a teenager and expect her to figure out everything all at once."
Mr. Cotswolds,"I will not tell you how to raise your children, and you will not tell me how to raise mine!"
Jimbo,"Eh, you wanna beer or something, Cotswolds?"
Mr. Cotswolds,"No, I don't drink beer. I just like wine coolers."
Jimbo,You what??
Jimbo,"See ya, Cotswolds.  Thanks for stopping by."
Gerald,Yeah. See ya.
Kyle,...I can't even get her to understand. It's like she's from another planet.
Mark,Can I sit here with you?
Stan,"Aw, man, if you have to."
Principal Victoria,"Attention, students. Don't forget that this Friday night is the South Park Elementary Bay Of Pigs Memorial Dance. We will have a very special band performing, so please come early."
Kyle,Hey! That's it! That dance! I can ask Rebecca to go to the dance!
Stan,"Dude, what happened to you? You're a total wuss now."
Kenny,"(Heheh, yeah. You're a faggot, dude. Fuck, yeah. Hehe-eheh.)"
Mark,Why do you call Kyle names and laugh at him? Is he not your friend?
Stan,"Yeah, dude, but guys just do that. We rip on each other and stuff."
Mark,"I see. It's like, you have to mark your territory as a boy. You have to socially find your place."
Kyle,What??
Craig,"Enjoying your lunch, nerdo?"
Mark,"Ah! Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me."
Stan,"Ah, dude, you don't say that."
Mark,Huh?
Craig,Get him!
Kyle,"Boy, that kid's having a hard time adjusting to public school."
Stan,Yeah. I wonder how Cartman is doing with his home-schooling.
Cartman,Eeehhh.
Announcer,Welcome to Huntin' and Killin' with Jimbo and Ned.
Cartman,"Eehh, shut up.  Ooohhh, yeasss."
Liane,"Hon, are you ready for some math problems?"
Cartman,"Eh, not right this second, mother. Put them there by the door."
Liane,"Oh, all right."
Cartman,Mom?
Liane,Yes?
Cartman,Could you turn up the heat just a little?
Liane,"Sure, hon."
Cartman,"Egghhh. Dude, home-schooling rules.  Yeeehhhhhhss!"
Rebecca,"Oh, hel-lo."
Kyle,"Hoh! Uh, Rebecca. There's this dance, see, at the school, and um,"
Rebecca,"He-ey, would you like to come up to my room?"
Kyle,Huh?
Rebecca,Woowould you like to come up to my room?
Kyle,"Uuuh, okay.  Gah!"
Mr. Cotswolds,"I'm sorry, son. There's nothing we can do to stop those bullies. We have to pull you out of public school."
Mark,"Oh, papá. Can I at least go to the dance tomorrow?"
Mr. Cotswolds,"Well alright, you can go, but I'll be there to supervise."
Mark,Alright.
Mr. Cotswolds,"Mark, where's your sister?"
Mark,She's upstairs playing Doctor with that Kyle boy.
Mr. Cotswolds,"Oh, alright."
Both parents,What?!
Mrs. Cotswolds,Rebecca! Aaah! Aaaaah! Noo-hooo!
Mr. Cotswolds,"Rebecca, don't play that perverted game!"
Rebecca,"I have to extricate a rr-region in his cerebral cortex, or risk ih-nfection to the synaptic responses."
Mr. Cotswolds,Ah. Alright. Rebecca. But it's time to start your home-schooling!
Kyle,"Rebecca, there's this dance, see, the South Park Elementary Bay Of Pigs Memorial Dance, and uh, now I was wondering, ih-ih-ih if you wanna go."
Rebecca,"Hhm. Alright, I guess I'll go."
Kyle,You will?
Rebecca,I guess. Are you gonna go? Maybe I'll see you there.
Kyle,"No no. I mean, go with me."
Rebecca,"Oh, I'm sure Father will give me a ride."
Cartman,"Ahhhhhhhhh.  Ahhhhhhhhh-ahhhh. Tired, tired."
Liane,"Eric, I got you a new history textbook. Why don't you come downstairs."
Cartman,"Wwaargh. Not right now, Mom."
Liane,"Eric, please. We have to do some studying today."
Cartman,"I am studying, Mom. I'm learning with the Fonics Monkey."
Stan,"Hey, fatass, how's home-schooling going?"
Cartman,"Oh, it's soo sweet, you guys."
Stan,"Well, get your ass out of bed!  We have to go deal with that home-school kid!"
Cartman,"Huh, I can't. I'm too tired.  Maybe tomorrow."
Kenny,"(Hey, can I have that?)  (Heey.)"
Stan,But the big dance is tomorrow and all the guys are gonna duct-tape him to a flagpole.
Cartman,That sounds cool. Maybe I'll go to that.
Kenny,"(Hey!)  (Hey, Cartman, help me.)"
Cartman,"No, Fonics Monkey!  No, Fonics Monkey, that's a bad Fonics Monkey!"
Stan,"Oh my God, Fonics Monkey killed Kenny!"
Cartman,"You're damn straight, he did."
Kyle,You got my note?
Rebecca,Uh of course. You taped it to my dog; how could I not see it?
Kyle,"Uh, can we sit down?"
Rebecca,Wha-y noh-ot?  Isn't Papa's garden beautiful? He works so hard on it.
Kyle,"Rebecca, don't you ever... look at the town? At that...  flicker of light over there?"
Rebecca,I...  have looked at it.
Kyle,"Well, that's a public school. And in it there are children,  just like us."
Rebecca,How can children go to school on a f-licker of light?
Kyle,"From public school, your house is just a flicker of light.  Don't you want to go out? All you do is... stay in your house and... study"
Rebecca,"Well, what else would one do?"
Kyle,"Love, for one thing."
Rebecca,And woowhat is love?
Kyle,"Love ...is the most important thing on... earth. When boys and girls feel ...love, they kiss."
Rebecca,"Woowhat means ""ki-iss""?"
Kyle,When a man and a woman feel ...love... they put their lips together.
Rebecca,"Oh, you mean a-a mate. When it is time to increase the herd, my provider will select one for me."
Kyle,"Rebecca, in public school,  we select our... own mate.  In public school, men and women get together. Make each other happy."
Rebecca,"You certainly come from a silly place. Still, I should like to try that... kiss.  So I cold write about it.  How do we do it?"
Kyle,I'm not completely sure.
Rebecca,Should we...  l-look it up?
Kyle,"No, I think it's something you have to try a few times. Until you get it... right."
Rebecca,"Wow. Wow, that was fun!"
Kyle,Dah.  Does that mean you'll go to the dance?
Rebecca,Y-you bet your sweet a-ass I will.
Craig,"Alright, here's the plan. Tomorrow night at the dance, when none of the chaperones are looking, you guys go grab Mark. Bring him out here, and then we're gonna duct-tape him to this flagpole."
Stan,Are you sure? He can be out here all night on the flagpole.
Craig,"That's the point, buttpipe."
Stan,"Don't call me a buttpipe, buttpipe!"
Butters,"Wewell, come on. We gotta buy us some more duct tape."
Boys,Hooray!
Bill,Hooray.
Jimbo,"Alright, here's the plan. All we gotta do is volunteer to chaperone the dance tomorrow."
Randy,Uhwhy do we want to all chaperone the dance?
Jimbo,"Because Cotswolds is gonna to live there. And when he shows up, we all grab him, bring him out here, and duct-tape him to the flagpole!"
Gerald,The flagpole! That's great!
Jimbo,Come on! We gotta buy more duct tape.
Men,Alright!
Stan,"Dude, we're gonna go duct-tape that Mark kid to the bleachers. You wanna help?"
Kyle,I can't. I have to wait for Rebecca to show up.
Stan,"Oh, brother!"
Kyle,"Don't you ""Oh, brother"" me! She's the woman of my dreams!"
Stan,"You suck now, Kyle!"
Kyle,You suck!
Principal Victoria,"Boys and girls, can I have your attention, please? This year we have a very special guest performing the South Park Elementary Bay Of Pigs Memorial Dance. He was a musical force in the '70's and '80's. Please welcome Ronnie James Dio!"
Dio,"Are you ready to rock, boys and girls?!  I said, are you ready to rock?!"
Butters,"Uh, uuh, sure uh, I guess."
Dio,"Then let's hit it!  I know you all remember this one. It's off my first solo album. The song that you all helped me make number 1.Holy Diver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea.Oh, what's-"
Craig,"Hey, there he is! There's the home-schooled kid!  Come on! Let's go duct-tape him to the flagpole!"
Butters,"Hey, isn't that the home-schooled kid's sister?"
Rebecca,"Hi, guys."
Butters,Woo-oh Holy Cow!
Rebecca,"He-ey, baby. Come s-see me later, 'kay?"
Token,"What the-? Damn, baby."
Rebecca,"Hey, Kyle. Wanna go make out?"
Kyle,Rebecca. You...
Mark,"Rebecca, what the devil are you doing?"
Rebecca,"I'm... having... fun, Mark."
Pip,"Oh, my goodness!"
Mark,You're out of control.  You did this to my sister!
Kyle,Uh. All I did was show her how to-
Mark,You made my sister into a slut! I'll kill you!
Kyle,Aaaah!
Mark,You dip! I'm gonna whip your bitch ass!
Kyle,Ooww!
Craig,Oh my God!
Stan,"Dude, he's kicking the crap out of Kyle!"
Butters,Yeah. He's a badass!
Randy,"Alright, alright, that's enough, boys."
Mark,"...I'm not through with you, bitch!"
Stan,"Hey, you're pretty cool, Mark."
Butters,"Yeah, tha-that was real badass how you stood up for your sister. Uh-uh-I'd have kicked Kyle's bitch ass, too."
Stan,"Do you wanna go have some cake with me, Mark?"
Craig,No! He's my friend!
Butters,"Eh, he said he'd hang out with me!"
Mr. Cotswolds,They've got to be here somewhere.
Jimbo,"Hey, there's Cotswolds. Come on! Let's duct-tape him to the flagpole!"
Men,Yeah!
Mr. Cotswolds,Where are my children?! I'm taking them out of this God-forsaken place!
Mark,"Calm down, papá!  Everything is all right.  You see, I've learned something today. Public schools may be a bit lacking in education, but it's the main place where children learn all of their social skills. You can't teach a child social skills. They have to learn them themselves. And the only place to do that is on the playground, in the cafeteria, and so on.  Don't you see, papá? That's what happened to your daughter. You tried so hard to keep her from anything sexual, and now look at her. She's a God-damned whore, papá."
Butters,"Well, she sure is."
Mark,"I know letting your kids out into the world is scary. I know you wish nothing bad would ever happen to us. But bad things will happen, and we have to start learning now how to deal with those things."
Mr. Cotswolds,"Mark. You're absolutely right.  Okay, children. If it's what you want, you can start going to public school."
Kids,Alright!
Stan,"Nice speech, nerdo."
Mark,"Thanks, gaywad."
Cartman,Now you're gettin' it.
Jimbo,"Well, come on, guys. If I'm not mistaken, we still have someone to duct-tape to the flagpole!"
Men,Hooray!
Mr. Cotswolds,What?!
Mark,"See ya, papá!"
Dio,"Well, I'm glad we all learned something today, kids. Now, let's dance!"
Stan,Ready? 1-2-3-4.
Cartman,"Hey, dude. Do you like to rock?!  Yes, I like to rock! Helloo, Baltimore!"
Kyle,"Cartman, what the hell are you doing?"
Cartman,I'm playing the drum.
Kyle,"Well, you have to hit it softer!"
Cartman,"You can't just ""hit"" a drum, you have to beat the shit out of it!  Shut you butthole, or I'll kick your ass, you fuckin' drum!!  That's how you rock, dude."
Kyle,"You're not supposed to rock, you're supposed to keep the beat!"
Cartman,I am keepin' the beat; your flute-playing sucks!
Stan,"That's it, Cartman, you can't be the drummer!"
Cartman,"Ey, I'll get it!"
Kyle,"Dude, the Civil War reenactment is tomorrow! You're not gonna get it by tomorrow!"
Cartman,Yes I will!
Stan,Alright alright. Let's just try it again. 1-2-3-4.
Cartman,"Go!!! Does Cleveland like to rock?! Go!!! Yes, damnit!"
Kyle,Cartman!!!
Cartman,What?
Kyle,"Give me the drum, and you play the flute."
Cartman,No way! Flutes are totally gay!
Kenny,(Oh. Flutes are gay?)
Stan,"Cartman, I'm the leader of the Reenactment Fife and Drum Squad, and I say you play the flute!"
Cartman,"Oh! Well, you know what I say?!  Screw you guys, I'm going home!"
Kyle,You dick!
Cartman,Later.
Jimbo,"Alrighty everyone. We just have a few things to go over before we head out to the reenactment battlefield.  First of all, I have great news. There are over 200 folks from around the state that have come to see this year's reenactment, and that's the best turnout ever!"
Men,"Yes! Woohoo, yea!"
Stan,"Where the hell is Cartman? If he misses the orientation, they're not gonna let him in the reenactment."
Kyle,He'll show.
Stan,He'd better!
Jimbo,"I'm also very proud to announce that this year's alcohol sponsor, Jagermin's S'more-flavored Schnapps, the schnapps with the delightful taste of s'mores."
Men,Whoa. Mmm.
Mr. Garrison,Mmm. It does taste like s'mores.
Stuart,"Hih yeah, and it's got quite a kick, too."
Jimbo,"And now, to clarify how the reenactment should unfold, let's bring up our master historian, Grandpa Marvin Marsh,  the only man old enough to have actually seen the Civil War... reenactment of 1924."
Kyle,"Wow, dude! Your grandpa still isn't dead?"
Stan,"Dude, that's not cool."
Cartman,"Good morning, gentlemen."
Stan,"Cartman, what the hell are you doing?"
Kyle,Yeah! You're dressed up like the South.
Cartman,"Yes. This year, I've decided to fight for the glorious South. Screw you guys, home. And may I say that we're going to whup your ass this time."
Stan,"You can't just come to a Civil War reenactment dressed up like General Lee, fatass!"
Cartman,"Oh, really? I'm pretty sure I just did."
Grandpa,"Okay, you all know the rules. You must fire your blanks into the air, and if someone says they killed ya, you gotta play dead."
Kyle,"The South loses this battle, Cartman. They lose the war!"
Cartman,"Nuh uhn, the South is gonna win."
Kyle,"No they're not, stupid!"
Cartman,Yes we are!
Kyle,How much do you wanna bet?!
Jimbo,"Now remember, everybody: for a good reenactment we've got to pretend down to the last detail that we're really in the Civil War. So when the North wins, all of us on the Confederate side should act all bummed and depressed."
Kyle,"Come on, Cartman! How much do you wanna bet the South doesn't win?!"
Cartman,"Well, this war is about slavery, so how about if the South wins, you two assholes have to be my slaves for a month."
Kyle,And if the North wins you're our slave for a month??
Cartman,Right.
Kyle,You're on!
Cartman,"Then I shall bid you good morning, gentlemen, and see you on the battlefield."
Stan,Hoohoo what a dumbass!
Kyle,Yeah. He doesn't even know that the South loses the Civil War.
Stan,It's gonna be rad having Cartman be our slave.
Jimbo,"...And with that, let's all go to Tamarack Hill and put on a good show!"
Men,"Yes! Woohoo, yea!"
Announcer,"Welcome to the South Park reenactment of the Battle of Tamarack Hill. The men in gray are the Confederacy, from the South ; in blue are the Union, from the North ."
Grandpa,"It was a cold morning in 1862. The Union Army had to get the bell of Appomattox down from Tamarack Hill. What ensued was a bloody battle, but after many hours, the Union Army prevailed. Here now is the reenactment of that great battle."
Jimbo,Forward!
Randy,Let's bring those Confederate bastards down!
Jimbo,Fire!
Confederate Reenactors,Yeah!
Randy,"Alright men, fire!"
Union Reenactors,Yeah!
Randy,"Hey, uh, I shot you, Ned. You have to fall down."
Ned,Ow.
Randy,Yeh-hah!
Man 1,"Oh, so this is what it was like."
Man 2,Hey! What's that guy doing?!
Cartman,Yippie! Long live the Confederacy!
Reenactors,Huh? Wha-?
Grandpa,What the hell?
Randy,He took the bell!
Gerald,He can't do that!
Grandpa,The Confederacy doesn't take the bell!
Cartman,Hooray for the South!
Stan,"Cartman, you can't do that!"
Grandpa,God damnit! Now we have to start over!
Jimbo,"Alrighty everyone.  We're going to do the entire reenactment again, because of some confusion over the bell. Now, I know you're just trying to help Eric, but we have to let the Union capture the bell this time."
Cartman,But why? Why should they get the bell?
Jimbo,"Wuh. Well, 'cause we're supposed to lose."
Cartman,But we don't have to lose.
Jimbo,What??
Cartman,"Gentlemen, we can win this battle!  Sure, we could lose, and tonight we can go back to our families and say, ""We did it! We lost like we were supposed to! Aren't we proud?!"" Or, or we take that hill. We take that hill, and when we stand tall upon it, we hold our heads high, and we yell, ""Not this year! This year belongs to the Confederaseh!"""
Jimbo,"By God, he's right!"
Mr. Garrison,Jimbo!
Jimbo,"Yeah, I've been reenacting this war for 22 years now. And for 22 years us Confederate reenactors have had to spend the evening being ridiculed and made fun of by the Union reenactors! Well, I'm sick of it!"
Mr. Garrison,Yeah! Why do we have to be their bitches every year?!
Stuart,I'm tired of losing this battle!
Jimbo,And I say it's high time we kicked some ass! Who's with me?!
Reenactors,Yeah!
Reenactor,Yeah!
Grandpa,"Alright, folks. Sorry for the false start. We're ready to go again. It was a cold morning in 1862. The Union Army had to-"
Confederate 1,Yaaaaah!
Confederate 2,Come on! Just give up! We're not gonna let you live another day!
Gerald,"Uh, what are they doing?"
Mr. Garrison,You Yankee sons of bitches!
Randy,Ow! That hurt!
Grandpa,"God damnit, what the hell are they doing?!"
Kyle,What do we do?!
Stan,"Run for your life, dude!"
Cartman,God bless those men that fight for their freedom. God bless those men! And God bless the Confederasah!
Reenactor,Come on!
Randy,Oh?
Jimbo,"Surrender your men, general!"
Randy,"Jimbo, have you lost your mind?!"
Jimbo,"SURRENDER YOUR MEN, GENERAL!"
Randy,"Alright, alright. We surrender."
Barbrady,The South win?
Jimbo,The South wins!
Reenactors,"Yeah, woohoo!"
Grandpa,God damnit!
Jimbo,"Well, we can all be friends now.  Come on, Randy. Have some s'more schnapps."
Randy,"Uh, I can't be happy. You ruined the reenactment."
Jimbo,"Aw, come on. Have a little sip."
Cartman,"So, you guys about ready to start being my slaves yet?"
Kyle,"You cheated, Cartman!"
Stan,"Yeah, but it doesn't matter, because the bet was that the South doesn't win the war! And the South still didn't win the war, dipshit!"
Kyle,"Yeah. Too bad you're such a dumbass in history, or you would have known that!"
Cartman,I hate you guys so much. So very very much. And this is not over. Not by a long shot.
Randy,All I'm saying is that... is that the Confederates would have just gotten their asses kicked in Topeka!
Mr. Garrison,"That ain't true! The Confederates would have whupped ass in Topeka, too!"
Bartender,Yeah.
Reenactor,Yeah.
Gerald,You're dreaming!
Cartman,Perhaps we should take Topeka.
Jimbo,Huh?
Cartman,"They mock us in Kansas, soldier. They think the South is a joke. They don't respect our authoritah."
Jimbo,They don't?!
Cartman,No. I say we take Topeka.
Jimbo,You know what? I'll bet we could take Topeka right now and clear them all around!
Randy,Huh?
Stuart,That's right! Maybe we should do what the Confederates would've done and march on to Topeka!
Mr. Garrison,I'll bet we could!
Jimbo,"I'll bet we could, too!"
Cartman,I'll bet you can't.
Jimbo,What?!  Is that a challenge?! I'll bet we can!
Cartman,"I'll bet you can't, because you guys are all pussies!"
Jimbo,Pussies?! Oh yeah?! Men! It's time to show the world what the Confederate Army has got! We're gonna take Topeka once and for all!
Reenactor 1,Yeah.
Reenactor 2,Yeah.
Jimbo,"All o' you men. You may have lost in the Union today, but join us now and win back your pride!"
Reenactor 3,Yeah.
Reenactor 4,Yeah.
Randy,"Well, the Union be damned!"
Jimbo,Let's go!
Men,Yeah!
Cartman,"Oh! What was our bet again? Let's see... Yes, I remember. If the South wins you have to be my slaves for a month."
Kyle,"They're just drunk, Cartman! As soon as they sober up, they'll stop."
Cartman,"Yes. E-e-enjoy your freedom, gentlemen. Soon, you will be my properteh. Come, Kenny. Come fight for us, and I'll make sure you get lots of plunder and womens."
Kenny,(Woohoo!)
Mailman,"Oh good morning, Mrs. Hollis."
Mrs. Hollis,"Hello, Ralph."
Ralph,Did you happen to catch that ball game last night?
Mrs. Hollis,I'm afraid I was grading papers pretty late and-
Driver,"What's that noise, officer?"
South Park Men,Yeah! Yeah!
Jimbo,Ccchhhhaaaarrrrggggeeee!
Officer,Ow!
Stuart,"Freeze, buddy. These are blanks, but they still hurt like hell!"
Jimbo,"It's ours, it's ours! We've taken Topeka!"
Reenactors,Yeah!
Randy,"Alright, Yank, tell us where you keep your Jagermin's S'more-flavored Schnapps?!"
Ralph,"Uh-uh-uh schnapps? Uhm, uh-uh-I guess that would be at the liquor store."
Randy,WHERE?!
Ralph,"At the liquor store, at the liquor stohohohohore!"
Randy,"Come on, boys!"
Mrs. Hollis,This is the most bizarre thing I've ever seen.
Cartman,Excuse meh.
Stan,"Dude, my mom is sooo pissed at my dad for going to Kansas."
Kyle,"I know, but—why do they have to take it out on us? Why do we have to wait around for them to come back?"
Stan,Oh here comes the bus.  Butters? Are you the only one that came back?
Butters,"Uh, conuh-  Confederate Messenger Butters reporting, sir. I have a message for you from the battlefield."
Stan,What battlefield?!
Butters,"Uh Topeka. We're raisin' all kinds of hell, see?  Eh, it's probably the most fun I've had in several months. Wuwell, you gonna read your message or not?"
Cartman,"Dear guys. Words cannot express how much I hate you guys. As we fight our way northward into the great unknown, only that one thing remains certain: that I hate you guys with every tired muscle in my Confederate body. We have taken Topeka, and now I must lolly the men over to Missouri. Because I will not stop until we have won it all, and you guys are my slaves. Because, I hate you guys. I hate you guys so very very much. Yours, General Cartman Lee"
Stan,"God damnit, that fat piece of shit!"
Kyle,Dude! What if Cartman really does succeed? And we really do have to be his slaves??
Stan,That would suck so much ass.
Kyle,"We have to stop him, dude."
Stan,"I'll go get my grandpa. He'll help us. Where's the Confederate Army now, Butters?"
Butters,"Uh-uh, wuh-I ain't supposed to tell you that. If I told you that, well, why I'd be a, a no-good Yankee son of a bitch."
Kyle,We'll give you 10 bucks.
Butters,"Oh. O-oh, okay."
Reporter,"...And she was forced to live off her own feces for several days. In national news,  a frightening radical group from Colorado is making its way across the Southern states of America.  The group is recruiting new members in every town they pass through, and rapidly growing in number.  So authorities have decided to call in the National Guard. The groups seems to be led by military mastermind and right-wing radical Jimbo Kern , who is known for his guerrilla-fighting and leadership skills."
Jimbo,Give me some more s'more schnapps! I'm gonna be sick.  Blouach.
Stan,"Oh, boy. This is worse than I thought."
Grandpa,"Well, come on Billy, we've gotta make these little peckers stop before they get themselves killed."
Man,Aaaaa!
Brunet,They say you can either fight them or join them.
Blond,Well I'm joining them. Those blanks hurt!
Stan,"Dad, Dad.  Mom wants you to come home."
Randy,"Not now, uh Stan, I'm pillaging.  Get over here!"
Kyle,"You've got to stop, Dad. If the South wins, me and Stan have to be Cartman's slaves!"
Gerald,"This is a reenactment, Kyle. My name is Pvt. John Fugasol, and I have to do what my general tells me!"
Jimbo,Hey! There's some more schnapps over here!
Gerald,More schnapps!
Sgt. Larsen,I'm Sgt. Larsen of the National Guard. We're here to stop the terrorists.
Grandpa,"They're not terrorists, they're just a bunch of drunk wankers from Colorado."
Larsen,"Well, we can't just shoot 'em; there's innocents and children about. Dawkins!"
Dawkins,Sir!
Larsen,Fire a warning flare!
Dawkins,Yes sir!
Jimbo,Medic!
Larsen,Woops.
Stan,"Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!"
Grandpa,You bastards!
Kyle,Hey!
Soldier,"We can't fire at them, sir. There are too many children."
Larsen,Then how do we stop them?
Stan,I know! But we'll have to wait until dark.
Cartman,"Dear Ms. McCormick. It is with a very heavy heart that I must inform you that your son Kenny was killed in battle  on the morning of November 18, at Ruby Hills Funland in Chattanooga. This war has taken something from all of us, and, although your son seems to be the only casualty so far, know that we all share your pain. Your son did not die in vain. I shall persevere and make Stan and Kyle my slaves. Because I hate those guys. I hate them so very very much. Yours, General Cartman Lee."
Stan,"There, you see? We take the s'more schnapps, and by morning they're all gonna wanna go home."
Grandpa,"Nice thinkin', Billy."
Larsen,Let's go.
Jimbo,"Where to next, General?"
Cartman,"Where did the Confederates go, son?"
Jimbo,"Well, I guess uh Fort Sumter in South Carolina. That's where the Civil War really escalated."
Cartman,"Ah, splendid. Then to Fort Sumter we shall go."
Jimbo,"Welluh, that sounds great. I'm gonna get some s'more schnapps. You want anything?"
Cartman,Yeah. Can I get some of those animal cookies? Those frosty ones with the sprinkles on 'em.
Jimbo,"Um, sure.  What the-? Ey, where's the s'more schnapps?"
Randy,We're out of s'more schnapps?
Mr. Garrison,That can't be.
Jimbo,I guess we drank it all.
Dawkins,Now what?
Stan,"Now we just wait until morning. Check-mate, Cartman. Pretty soon, you're gonna be our slave."
Kyle,Yeah.
Soldier 1,Uugh.
Soldier 2,Ouch.
Randy,"Oh, my head."
Gerald,Where am I?
Jimbo,"Ned, I think I can say without any doubt that that was the longest drinking binge we've ever had."
Ned,"Mmm-oh. Gmm-oh, my head."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh no, I'm supposed to be at work today."
Stuart,"Me, too."
Jimbo,"Well, come on everybody. We've got to get to the nearest bus station, quick."
Cartman,Where are you going?
Jimbo,We're goin' home kid. Come on.
Cartman,"We can't go home, we have to take Fort Sumter!"
Randy,"Uh, the only thing we have to do is get home before our wives leave us."
Cartman,No! What about the Confederasuh?! What about freedom?!
Stan,"Haha! You lose, fatass!"
Cartman,"God, I hate you guys!"
Kyle,"Yeah, but you know? I think you've learned something today. You've learned that you can't rewrite history.  You see, history is forever,  and everything happens for a reason.  Sure, you can try and change the past, but usually you kno-"
Stan,Where are you going?
Cartman,"This isn't over! Oh no! Oh no, not by a long shot!"
Randy,Ogh. I don't believe we came all the way out here.
Jimbo,"Yeah? Well, I don't think the bus station is too far from here."
Stuart,"Uh, how much do you think a bus ticket back to Colorado is gonna run?"
Suzette,"Allo, I am Suzette, the S'more Schnapps girl.  We are pleased to sponsor you with all the S'more Schnapps you need."
Randy,"Awgh, I can't drink anymore of that stuff."
Gerald,Me neither.
Cartman,"Uh uh come uh, come on, guys. Just one little drink. Uh a toast to how far you came and all that you saw."
Suzette,"Yes, please. Do a shot out of my breasts."
Jimbo,"Well, uh I guhess one little cheers is in order."
Jimbo,"Hey, look! Ned's doin' his trick again!"
Mr. Garrison,"Hey, guys. Let's all play a game of ""grab ass."""
Gerald,"What's ""grab ass?"""
Mr. Garrison,You know. We just run around in circles and try to grab each others' asses.
Randy,"Ey, that sounds fun."
Mr. Garrison,Hohoho.
Solders,I got you. Oo-oh.
Cartman,"Gentlemen! I hate to break up the party, but I believe we have a fort to take."
Jimbo,You heard the General.
Soldiers,Yeah!
Stan,"Oh, no."
Kyle,We'll never stop them now.
Soldiers,Woohoo!
Cartman,Yes! Yes!
Guide,"Throughout 1861 the Confederate authorities tried to drive out the Union occupants of Fort Sumter peacefully. But Abraham Lincoln's administration would not surrender the fort to the Confederates, so Jefferson Davis decided to take action."
Tourist,And the Confederates won the fort?
Guide,"Yes.  Imagine what it must have been like: you're a Union soldier stationed at this fort, and one day, you look out and see thousands of Confederates ready to pounce on you.  Uh..."
Cartman,Take the fort!
Jimbo,Charge!
Men,"Yeah!  Woohoo, yeah, come on!"
Jimbo,We got it! The fort is ours!
Randy,What was that??
Larsen,"Attention political activists: you are on government historical document property! Surrender the document with your hands up! If you would like a tour of the fort, one can be arranged through the South Carolina Chamber of Commerce."
Stan,"Give up, fatass! There's over a hundred National Guards down here."
Cartman,Suck my ass!
Jimbo,"What do we do, General? We're outnumbered."
Cartman,We asked the State of South Carlina for recruits. The reinforcements are bound to show up.
Larsen,"Alright, that does it. Blow the whole thing up."
Stan,"No, you can't do that. Our dads are there."
Larsen,"Sorry, son. We tried it your way; now we do it our way. Prepare the mortar."
Elderly Voice,Hold it right there!
Jimbo,"Wow, look at that! The entire state of South Carolina showed up!"
Cartman,I knew they would!
Stan,"Aw, damnit!"
Leader,We're ready to fight with ya. Long live the Confederacy!
Men,Yee-haw! All right!
Cartman,Now our numbers are truly great. It is time. It is time to march to Washington D.C.!
Jimbo,"Hey, government! You can't ignore our anguished cries anymore! You hear that?! You Government?!"
Al Gore,"Oh boy, this doesn't look good."
Advisor,"It's just like the Million Man March, except that there actually are a million people."
Aide,Mr. President! A message for you from the extremists!
Cartman,"Dear Mr. President. There are times when humans can no longer endure their government's authoritah. You must declare the Confederaceh its own nation so that we may enter into a new millennium of prosperitah. If you do not meet our demands, we will be forced to show the videotapes we have of you with Marisa Tomei."
Clinton,"Oh, dear God! Wuh-we have to meet their demands."
Advisor,"What?? Sir, there's- there's not that many of them."
Al Gore,"As Vice-Persident, I think we'd better give them what they want. It's just the Southern states; who really needs them?"
Clinton,My hands are tied. Tell General Lee that I'll meet him in front of the Capitol.
Aide,Sir!
Al Gore,I'm so glad I don't have your job.
Stan,"Dude, let's just give up right now and accept that we have to be Cartman's slaves."
Grandpa,"Damnit, Billy, this isn't about you havin' to be slaves! This is about history! We can't let them change it!"
Stan,"Well, we've tried everything, Grandpa. What else can we do?"
Grandpa,"Wait a minute! They're all still doing a reenactment. What we have to do is play into that. Come on, Billy. You boys need a quick history lesson!"
Clinton,"All right, I'm gonna sign the document declarin' the Confederacy winners of the Civil War."
Confederates,Hooray!
Jimbo,"Boy, we really got the President by the balls. Good thing you have that videotape of him and Marisa Tomei."
Cartman,I don't. I made it up.
Jimbo,Hey! Who's that?!
Kyle,"Hello. I'm Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States."
Stan,"Yes, and I'm Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederacy."
Clinton,"Boy, this just keeps getting weirder, doesn't it?"
Cartman,What the hell are you guys doing?!
Jimbo,"Ey, General, he's reenacting Jefferson Davis! You can't talk that way to a superior officer!"
Stan,"Men, I want you all to know that as President of the Confederacy, I am hereby surrendering."
Cartman,What?!
Kyle,"Well, as Abraham Lincoln, I accept your surrender, and agree to your conditions. You and all the Confederates will have all the S'more Schnapps you can drink for a year."
Confederates,Wow!
Randy,A whole year?
Jimbo,"All right! Well, I think we got what we wanted."
Clinton,That's it? I-I don't have to sign this thing?
Gerald,"Hey, come on. We should take a tour of the Smithsonian before we head back."
Cartman,No! We still have to fight!
Jimbo,"Lincoln and Davis signed the treaty, General. The war is over."
Cartman,NOOO!!
Stan,"It's finally over, Cartman. You lost!"
Kyle,Yeah. And now you can take that stupid beard off!
Cartman,WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-  -AAAH!
Clinton,"Boys, as President of the United States, I want to commend you for stopping the rebel uprising."
Stan,Don't touch me.
Kyle,"Well Cartman, the South lost! That mean you're our slave for a month!"
Cartman,"Damnit! Damnit, I was so close! Damnit!"
Stan,"Now, the first thing I want you to do for us is-"
Cartman,Wait a minute! I don't have to be your slave.
Kyle,What??
Cartman,The North still won the Civil War! That means slavery is abolished!
Clinton,"Eh, he's right, boys. Slavery is illegal and immoral, partially in thanks to the North winning the Civil War."
Stan,Awwww!
Cartman,Hahahaha haa ha!
Stan,"Aw, the hell with it. Let's go home.  Thanks a lot, Bill Clinton!"
Kyle,"Yeah. Thanks, dick!"
Anchor,"Fighting the frizzies, at 11."
Mailman,We've all heard of Rudolph and his shiny noseAnd we all know Frosty who's made out of snowBut all of those stories seem kind of... gayCuz we all know who brightens up our holiday!
Mailman and Kids,"Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo"
Mailman,"Small and brown, he comes from you."
Mailman and Kids,Sit on the toilet; here he comes!
Mailman,"Squeeze in 'tween your festive buns. A present from down below, Spreading joy with a"
Mailman and Kids,Howdy Ho!
Mailman,"He's seen the love inside of you, 'cause"
Mailman and Kids,He's a piece of poo!
Mailman,"Sometimes he's nutty ,sometimes he's corny .He can be brown or greenish brown ."
Kids,Mmm-mmm.
Mailman,"But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve, He might come to your town."
Mailman and Kids,"Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo"
Mailman,"He loves me, I love you. Therefore, vicariously he loves you"
Bradley Biggle,"I can make a Mr. Hankey, too!"
Mr. Hankey,"HOWDY HO!I'm Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.Season's greetings to all of you.Let's sing songs and dance and play Now, before I melt away Here's a game I like to play:Stick me in your mouth and try to say,"
All,"""Howdy ho ho, yum yum yum."""
Mr. Hankey,Christmastime has come!
Girl 1,Sometimes he's runny.
Boy 1,Sometimes he's firm.
Girl 2,Sometimes he's practically water.
Man on Porto Potty,Sometimes he hangs off the end of your assAnd won't fall in the toiletCuz he's just clinging to your sphincterAnd he won't drop off and so you ...shake your ass aroundAnd try to get it to drop into the toiletAnd finally it does..
Mailman and Kids,"Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo"
Mailman,When Christmas leaves; he must leave too.
Mailman and Kids,"Flush him down, but he's ne-ver gone!His smell and his spirit ling-ers on!"
Kids,Howdy Ho!
Mr. Hankey,"Howdy-ho, folks. We're gonna do somethin' a little bit different tonight. Instead of our normal thing, we're just gonna sit back and enjoy some holiday songs. And if ya don't like it, well, I guess you can suck my tiny little balls. So let's start off with a festive Hanukkah song, sung by my favorite Jewish person in the whole world."
Kyle,"Okay, Ike. You're my little brother, so I have to show you how to celebrate Hanukkah.  This is called a dreidel. You spin it and see where it lands. And you sing this song:I have a little dreidel; I made it out of clay.And when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I shall play. Oh,Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay.Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play."
Cartman,"Hey, what the hell are you doing?!"
Kyle,Oh! Hey Cartman. We're playing dreidel; you wanna try?
Cartman,"Sure. Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay.But I'm not gonna play with it, 'cause dreidel's freakin' gay."
Kyle,"Hey, shut your mouth, fatass!"
Cartman,Jews.. ...play stupid gamesJews... that's why they're lame.
Kyle,"Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,"
Cartman,Jews...
Kyle,I made you out of clay.
Cartman,...play stupid games.
Kyle,"Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,"
Cartman,Jews...
Kyle,with dreidel I shall play.
Cartman,that's why they're lame.
Stan,"What's going on? ...Oh, it's that Hanukkah thing."
Cartman,It's sooo amazing!  You spin this thing on the ground and it goes 'round and 'round. I could watch it aaall day!
Stan,Let me try. I'll try to make it spin.It fell; I'll try again.
Kyle,"Oh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay."
Stan,I'll try to make it spin.
Kyle,"Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play."
Stan,It fell; I'll try again.
Kyle,"Oh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,"
Stan,I'll try
Cartman,Jews..
Kyle,I made you out of clay.
Stan,to make it spin.
Cartman,...play stupid games.
Kyle,"Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,"
Stan,It fell;
Cartman,Jews...
Kyle,with dreidel I shall play.
Stan,I'll try again.
Cartman,that's why they're lame.
Kyle,"Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,"
Stan,I'll try
Cartman,Jews...
Kyle,I made you out of clay.
Stan,to make it spin.
Cartman,...play stupid games.
Kyle,"Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,"
Stan,It fell;
Cartman,Jews...
Kyle,with dreidel I shall play.
Stan,I'll try again.
Cartman,that's why they're lame.
Sheila,"Hello, boys!"
Kyle,"Hi, Mom!"
Sheila,"Oh, how precious! You boys are all playing dreidel. Now, you know that dreidel is a time-honored tradition for the Hebrew people."
Cartman,"Yes, we know, Ms. Broflovski. It's so very interesting."
Sheila,Now when you learn to make the dreidel spinYou'll know our people always win.Keep spinning:Learn
Cartman,Jews...
Sheila,to make the dreidel spin
Cartman,...play stupid games.
Sheila,You'll know
Cartman,Jews...
Sheila,our people always win.
Cartman,that's why they're lame.
Kyle,"Oh, hi Dad."
Gerald,"Hello, everybody. Say, can I join in?"
Kyle,"Sure!I have a little dreidel; I made it out of clay.And when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I shall- everybody!"
Kyle,"Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,"
Stan,I'll try
Sheila,Now when you learn
Gerald,"Courtney Cox,"
Cartman,Jews...
Kyle,I made you out of clay.
Stan,to make it spin.
Sheila,to make the dreidel spin
Gerald,I love you.
Cartman,...play stupid games.
Kyle,"Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,"
Stan,It fell;
Sheila,You'll know
Gerald,You're so hot
Cartman,Jews…
Kyle,with dreidel I shall play.
Stan,I'll try again.
Sheila,our people always win.
Gerald,on that show.
Cartman,that's why they're lame.
Kyle,"Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,"
Stan,I'll try
Sheila,Keep spinning: learn
Gerald,"Courtney Cox,"
Cartman,Jews...
Kyle,I made you out of clay.
Stan,to make it spin.
Sheila,to make the dreidel spin
Gerald,I love you.
Cartman,...play stupid games.
Kyle,"Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,"
Stan,It fell;
Sheila,You'll know
Gerald,You're so hot
Cartman,Jews...
Kyle,with dreidel I shall play.
Stan,I'll try again.
Sheila,our people always win.
Gerald,on that show.
Gerald,"Courtney Cox, I love you.  You're so hot  on that show."
Kyle,Dad?
Gerald,"Courtney Cox,"
Kyle,Dad.
Gerald,I- huh?
Kyle,We're singing about a dreidel.
Gerald,"...Oh, sorry."
Sheila,"We'll talk about this later, Gerald!"
Kyle,"Oh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,"
Stan,I'll try
Sheila,Now when you learn
Gerald,"Courtney Cox,"
Cartman,Jews...
Kyle,I made you out of clay.
Stan,to make it spin.
Sheila,to make the dreidel spin
Gerald,I love you.
Cartman,...play stupid games.
Kyle,"Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,"
Stan,It fell;
Sheila,You'll know
Gerald,You're so hot
Cartman,Jews...
Kyle,with dreidel I shall play.
Stan,I'll try again.
Sheila,our people always win.
Gerald,on that show.
Cartman,that's why they're lame.
Kyle,"Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,"
Stan,I'll try
Sheila,Keep spinning: learn
Gerald,"Courtney Cox,"
Cartman,Jews...
Kyle,I made you out of clay.
Stan,to make it spin.
Sheila,to make the dreidel spin
Gerald,I love you.
Cartman,...play stupid games.
Kyle,"Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,"
Stan,It fell;
Sheila,You'll know
Gerald,You're so hot
Cartman,Jews...
Kyle,with dreidel I shall play.
Stan,I'll try again.
Sheila,our people- know our people always win.
Gerald,on that show.
Cartman,that's why they're lame.
Mr. Hankey,"Woohoo! Golly, that sure was fun. But now, for our next song, hold on to your bootstraps, 'cause we're gonna descend down into Hell!"
Adolf,"O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,wie treu sind deine Blätter.O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,wie treu sind deine Blätter.De grünst nicht nur zur Sommerzeit,Nein, auch im Winter, wenn es schneit.O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,wie treu sind deine Blätter."
Satan,"Hey, Hitler.  What's the matter, little guy?"
Adolf,"Oh, oh Satan, der tannenbaum, wie treu sind deine Blätter."
Satan,"Awww, you don't have a Christmas tree?"
Adolf,"…nur zur Sommerzeit, nein, auch im Winter, wenn es schneit."
Satan,"Well, I tell you what: Maybe we'll have ourselves a little Christmas, right here! Come on, everyone, gather 'round!String up the lights and light up the tree.We're gonna make some revelry!Spirits are high, so I can tell,It's Christmastime in Hell.Demons are nicer as you pass them by.There's lots of demon toys to buy.The snow is falling, and all is well.It's"
With Demons,Christmastime in Hell!
Satan,"There goes Jeffrey Dahmer with a festive Christmas ham.After he has sex with it, he'll eat up all he can.And there goes John F. Kennedy, caroling with his son.&lt;/poem&gt;"
With the Kennedys,"Reunited for the holidays, God bless us, everyone!"
With the Damned,Everybody has a happy glow!Let's dance in blood and pretend it's snow.
Satan,Even Mao Tse Tung is under the spell
With Choir,It's Christmastime in Hell!
Satan,"Adolf, here's a present for you!"
Adolf,Oh?  Ein tannenbaum!
Satan,"Yes, ein tannenbaum."
Females,Aaa-aaa!
Satan,"God cast me down from heaven's doorTo rule in Hell forevermore.But now I'm kinda glad that I fell,"
With Choir,'Cause it's Christmastime in Hell!
With Males,Here's a rack to hang the stockings on
With Females,We still have to shop for Genghis Khan
Satan,Michael Landon's hair looks swell.
With Choir,It's Christmastime in Hell!
Satan,There's Princess Diana holding burning mistletoeOver poor Gene Siskel's head; just watch his weenie grow.
With Choir,"For one day we all stop burning, and the flames are not so thick. All the screaming and the torture stops as we wait for Ol' Saint Nick!So, String up the lights and light up the tree.We're damned for all eternity.But for just one day all is well.It's Christmastime in Hell!!!"
Satan,Gather close together and make it quick!We gotta make room for Andy Dick.
With Choir,Wake his mother and ring the bell. It's...
Satan and Males,Christmastime...
Females,Christmastime...
Males,Christmastime...
Females,Christmastime...
Satan and Males,Christmastime...
Females,Christmastime...
Males,It's Christmastime...
Females,Christmastime...
All,It's Christ-mas-time in Hell!!!!
Bailey,"Merry Christmas, movie house!"
Satan,Brrrrrrroom!
Anchor,"Fighting the frizzies, at 11."
Kids,Howdy-ho!
Alone,"Uh.Hark, hear the bells, sweet silver bells.All seem to say, ""Ding-dong, m'kay."""
Center,"Christmas is here, bringing good cheerTo young and old, meek and the bold"
Right,Ding DongDing Dong
Center,"Ding dong ding-dong, that is their songWith joyful ring, all caroling"
Left,Ding DongDing Dong
Right,Ding DongDing M'kay
All,One seems to hear words of good cheerFrom everywhere filling the air.
Centers and Right,"O, how they pound raising their soundO, here and there telling their tale"
Left,"O, wailTelling their tale (daily now)"
All,Gaily they ring while people singSongs of good cheer. Christmas is here.!
Center 1,Merry Merry Merry Merry ChristmasMerry Merry Merry Merry Christmas
Center 2,"Ding dong ding-dong, that is their songWith joyful ring, all caroling"
Right,Ding DongDing Dong ding-
Left,Ding- Can you hear them?Ding- Can you hear them?
Left,"On, on they send, on without end,Their joyful tone to every home"
Right,Ding DongDi-ing m'kay.
Centers,Ding DongDi-ing!
Center,"Hark, hear the bells, sweet silver bells.All seem to say, ""Ding-dong, m'kay."""
Right,Dong_______________________
Left,Dong_________________m'kay.
Left,"On, on they send, on without end,Their joyful tone to every home"
Right,M'kay M'kay___________
Center,M'kay_________________
All,"Ding dong ding-dong, m'kay___"
Center,M'kay.
Mr. Hankey,"Well, that was a nice little song, wasn't it? But let's not forget that for some people Christmas is about the birth of Jesus. So now, here's a more serious Christmas song, sung by Eric Cartman."
Cartman,"And...''O Holy Night, the stars are brightly shi-ningIt is the night of our dear Savior's b-b-b-birthO Holy Night, the- something, something, dis-- aah.It is the night with the Christmas trees and pie.Jesus was born, and so I get presents.Thank you, Jesus, for being born. (Wo-o-o-o-o)Fall (Fall) On your knees (On your knees) And hear (Can't you hear)The angels'.. something (Voices)O night (O night)Divine (Divine)The nightWhen I get presents (O-o)O night (O o-night) Di-viiine! O night (Ooo-ooo)O night, di-vine! Oh. Ah. Ch."
Mr. Hankey,"Well, oh boy, that was a super song! And now, let's hear from the school teacher, Mr. Garrison."
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, let's take our seats. Today we're going to learn how different cultures around the world celebrate the holiday season."
Class,Awww.
Kenny,(What?!)
Mr. Garrison,"Now, pay attention. Ahem...I heard there is no Christmas in the silly Middle East No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus; They have different religious beliefsThey believe in Muhammad, and not in our holiday.And so, every December I go to the Middle East and say, Hey there, Mr. Muslim, Merry Fuckin' Christmas!Put down that book, the Koran, and hear some holiday wishes In case you haven't noticed, it's Jesus' birthday So get off your heathen Muslim ass and fuckin' celebrate. There is no holiday season in India, I've heard. They don't hang up their stockings, and that is just absurd. They've never read a Christmas story, they don't know what Rudolph is about.And that is why in December I'll go to India and shout,Hey there, Mr. Hinduist, Merry Fuckin' Christmas!Drink eggnog and eat some beef, and pass it to the Missus. In case you haven't noticed, it's Jesus' birthday. So get off your heathen Hindu ass and fuckin' celebrate. Now, I heard that in Japan everyone just lives in sin.They pray to several gods and put needles in their skin.On December 25th all they do is eat a cake.And that is why I go to Japan and walk around and say,Hey there, Mr. Shintoist!, Merry Fuckin' Christmas!God is gonna kick your ass, you infidelic pagan scum.In case you haven't noticed, there's festive things to do. So let's all rejoice for Jesus, and Merry Fuckin' Christmas to you. On Christmas Day, I travel 'round the world and say,""Taoists, Krishnas, Buddhists, and all you atheists, too!Merry Fuckin' Christmas to you."" Uh, thank you, Mr. Hat."
Anchor,"Frizzies, at 11."
Kids,Howdy-ho!
Shelly,"I saw three ships come sailing inOn Christmas Day, on Christmas DayI saw three ships come sailing in On Christmas Day, in the morning. And what was in those ships, all three? On Christmas Day, on Christmas DayAnd what- Shut up, turds! -was in those ships all threeOn Christmas Day, in the morning?The Virgin Mary and Christ were there On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day The Virgin Mary and-Shut up, TUUUURDS! -Christ were thereOn Christmas Day, in the morning.Let us all rejoice, amain, On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day And let- I told you to shut up! -us all rejoice, amain,On Christmas Day, in the morning. Shelly is starting to get pissed On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day Shelly got up and killed the turds On Christmas Day, in the MORNING!"
Stan,AAAA!
Mr. Hankey,"Golly, that sure was swell. I'd say my Christmas special is going super-fantastic. Well, now it's time to hear from perhaps the two most important people of the whole season."
Emcee,"Hello, everyone, and welcome to McKemick's. Now, please put your hands together and welcome... Saint Nicholas and Jesus Christ."
Santa,"Hello, everybody!"
Jesus,How are y'all doing tonight?
Santa,"You know, Jesus, there've been so many songs written about us over the years."
Jesus,"That's right, Santa, and we love each and every one of them. Like this one.Joy to the world, for I have come.Let earth receive Me!Let every heart prepare Me room."
Santa,And heaven and nature sing...
Jesus,And heaven and nature sing...
Santa,And heaven and nature sing...
Jesus,And heaven and na-
Both,And heaven and heaven and nature sing.
Santa,"You know, Jesus, that is a nice song, but I like... this one:Up on the housetop reindeer pauseOut jumps good old... me. Down through the chimney with lots of toysAll for the little ones' Christmas joys"
Both,Ho ho ho! Who wouldn't go?Ho ho ho! Who wouldn't go?
Santa,"Up on the housetop, click click click.Down through the chimney with good old... me."
Jesus,"He he hoo, get away!"
Santa,Go away??
Jesus,Get away.
Santa,Where away?
Jesus,"Away in the manger, no crib for My bedThat's where cute little old Me lay down My sweet head.The stars in the sky (Santa: Ooooo)"
Both,Looked down where I lay.
Jesus,Cute little eight-pound me (Santa: Oo-oo)
Both,asleep in (Santa: on) the hay.
Jesus,"O come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphantO come ye to Bethlehem to see-ee Me..."
Santa,"Here's one, Jol-"
Jesus,"Hark, the herald angels sing, Glory-"
Santa,"Hey, it's my turn."
Jesus,"-to Me!Silent Night,"
Santa,Uh.
Jesus,Holy Night
Santa,Santa Cl- em
Jesus,"All is calm, all is bright'Round yon Virgin, Mother and Me."
Santa,Saint Nicholas... can't think of one.
Jesus,"Holy Me, so tender and mild.Sleep in heavenly peace.Sleep in heavenly peace."
Santa,"Okay, Jesus. Here's one you might remember:Her name is Rio and she dances on the sandJust like that river twistin' through the dusty land."
Jesus,"Uh. Santa, Santa, Santa, that's not a Christmas song, bud. Ah... that's-"
Santa,"I know, but there's, like, three-hundred Jesus Christmas songs and only four fucking Santa ones! It's not fair! Just do it yourself! I'm leaving."
Jesus,"Aw, come on, Santa. You can't leave."
Santa,"Aw, fuck you, Jesus!"
Jesus,But Santa... The weather outside is frightful
Santa,Aw.
Jesus,But the fire so delightful
Santa,"Well, since I've no place to go."
Both,"Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow."
Jesus,It doesn't show signs of stoppin'.
Santa,But I brought some corn for poopity-poppin'.
Jesus,"The lights are turned way down low, soLet it snow, let it snow, let it snow."
Both,"The fire is slowly dyin',"
Santa,"And, my dear, we're still good-bop-be-byein',"
Jesus,"But as long as you love me so,"
Both,"Let it snow, let it snow,"
Jesus,let it snow!
Santa,Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand!
Anchor,"Fighting frizzies, at 11."
Kids,Howdy-ho!
Mr. Hankey,"Well, I guess that's about the end of my Christmas album. Gosh! It was sure nice hangin' out with y'all again. Well, I guess if there's just... one thing I have left to say, it would be this:Have yourself a merry little ChristmasMay your heart be lightFrom now on, our troubles will be out of sight.Have yourself a merry little ChristmasMake the Yuletide gay. From now on, our troubles will be miles away."
With boys,"Here we are as in olden days,Happy golden days, of yore.Faithful friends who are dear to usGather near to us once more."
The Boys,Through the years we all will be togetherIf the Fates allow.
Mr. Hankey,Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
With Boys,And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.
Cartman,"Time to go, Mr. Hankey."
Mr. Hankey,"Goodbye, everybody,  and Meeeeerry Christmas!"
Kyle,"Bye, Mr. Hankey. See you next year."
Anchor,"And now, fighting the frizzies."
Anchor,Come on! Kick my ass!
Stan,"Dude, what are we gonna do for New Year's Eve? It has to be awesome."
Kyle,I know. It's probably gonna be the biggest night of our lives!
Cartman,You guys! You guys!  Guess what?
Kyle,"What, fatass?!"
Cartman,"I've become a man! I started puberty, you guys!"
Kenny,(...What?)
Stan,No you didn't!
Cartman,Yes! I really did.
Stan,How do you know?
Cartman,"Well, because yesterday I got my period."
Kyle,You got your what?
Cartman,"My period, you guys. You see, there comes a time in every child's life when they grow up and nature takes its course by having you bleed out your ass for a few days every month."
Stan,"You're making that up!  Miss Aliton, what's it mean to get a period?"
Miss Aliton,"Well boys, ah-I don't think I can tell you. Ah-"
Stan,"Please, it's important."
Miss Aliton,"Well, it's when puberty hits and you bleed, you know, down there."
Kyle,"Holy shit, dude! Cartman's right!"
Cartman,"Well guys, I'm afraid I won't be able to hang out with you on New Year's Eve. I have to hang out with the older crowd because now, I'm ma-ture.  I got my period, and you guys didn't. I got my period, and you guys didn't."
Stan,"Dude, Cartman can't hit puberty before us."
Kyle,"Well, maybe we'll get ours soon, too. I'm gonna go and see if I'm bleeding out my ass."
Kenny,(Me too.)
Anchorman,"In local news, a stomach virus is going around that is causing bleeding of the colon in some small children. Doctors are telling parents that the virus is nothing to worry about and that the infections can be dealt with simple antibiotics.  Well, it's just four days until New Year's Eve, 1999. The new millennium is almost upon us, and all over the world people have started to celebrate by dancing, singing, and killing one another.  But probably the biggest event of the millennium is one happening in South Park, Colorado, where people have gathered for a chance to see Jesus Christ. Craig Netzel is standing by."
Netzel,"Thanks, Tom. It is indeed four days until the new millennium, and hundreds if not thousands of people have come from all over the world seeking Jesus, here at his house in South Park.  Everyone is giddy with anticipation for Jesus to come out, because as we all know, if Jesus comes out of his house and is not scared by his shadow, it means the next thousand years will be full of peace and love.  Oh, it looks like Jesus might be coming out!"
Woman,"Oh look, Tommy. There he is. Can you see him?"
Boy,"He's neat, Mommy."
Netzel,"Everyone is quiet here, Tom. Looks like the little fellow's a bit nervous.  But he has taken another step out, Tom! This is great new for us!"
Jesus,"Uh-mmm, um what are you people doing?  Can I help you with something?"
Netzel,"...Well, it's... the millennium, Jesus."
Jesus,Uuh-huh?
Netzel,"Well, it's ""The Millennium""."
Man 1,Yeah.
Man 2,Yeah.
Man 3,Yeah.
Cameraman,Right.
Jesus,"So, what happens at the millennium?"
Netzel,...I don't know.
Jimbo,We thought you did.
Man 4,Yeah!
Man 5,"Yeah, you're Jesus."
Man 6,Hey!
Man 5,You're the one in control.
Jesus,Oh. Well. Yea. Believe in me and ye shall find peace.
Mr. Garrison,"Yeah yeah yeah, we've heard that crap for about 2000 years now! We wanna hear somethin' new! It's the year 2000, for Christ's sake!"
Crowd,Yeah!
Jesus,"Well, what do ya want?"
Fr. Maxi,We want to see God!
Randy,"Yeah, with our own eyes."
Crowd,Yeah!
Jimbo,We followed blindly for thousands of years and we think the least God can do is show up for New Year's Eve 1999!
Crowd,Yeah!
Woman,That's right!
Jesus,"Oh. Uuuh, let me think about that for a minute."
Man With Picket Sign,Is that good?
Man 7,I don't know.
Man 8,I don't know. Is that good or not?!
Stan,Hello?
Kyle,"Dude, did you get your period yet?"
Stan,"No, there's no blood coming out of my ass."
Kyle,"Mine neither. But I double-checked, and Cartman was right. Your period is the start of puberty."
Stan,"Well, if Cartman is the only one who get it and he thinks he's too grown-up to hang out with us on New Year's Eve, then screw him anyways."
Kyle,Yeah.
Kenny,(Woohoo!  Woohoooo!)
Stan,"Come on, Cartman, we have to make plans for New Year's."
Cartman,"Hold your horses, guys. This is very important for mature people.  Let's see. Offers complete protection during heavy flow, hm.  Lessee, might slow stoppage of vaginal chunks, eh.  Oh, this one's got wings, you guys!"
Kenny,"(You guys! You guys, I did it! I got my very own period!)"
Cartman,You did?
Kyle,"You got your period too, Kenny?"
Kenny,"(Yeah, it was awesome! I was just sitting down and then I got my period!)"
Cartman,"Well welcome to the club, Kenny. You got your period, so now you're a man. We can hang out together on New Year's Eve.  But first you need to buy some Maxi pads to stuff in the back of your pants so you don't get blood on your underwear."
Kenny,(Woo-hoo!)
Netzel,"Tom, it looked for a second as if Jesus was going to come out of his house, but then he went back inside. But meanwhile, more and more people are showing up to show their support for Jesus."
Rancher,"Well, the way I see it, if he really is who he says he is, well then he'd better do somethin' on New Year's Eve, 'cause it's in the Bible!"
Jesus,"Father, I need to talk to you. Please, Father, appear to me."
God,"What is it, my child?"
Jesus,"Father, everyone is starting to pay attention to me again because of the new millennium. Huh-I'm kinda making a comeback!"
God,"Yea, like John Travolta before you. You are experiencing a second revival."
Jesus,"It's the millennium, Father. People want to see you."
God,"Nay, their eyes are not yet prepared to see the likes of me."
Jesus,"But dad, I think this may be my one big shot at a comeback."
God,"Be ye careful of pride, Jesus."
Jesus,"Just make an appearance. You can come down, say 'hi' to a few people and can be back by 12:30."
God,"I'm sorry, my son, but if you want to earn everyone's love, you will have to do it yourself."
Kyle,"Ike, can I talk to you?"
Ike,"Uh ar, stufid."
Kyle,"Ike, I don't know what to do. All the guys are getting their periods, and I don't think I am. I can't be the last one to get it. I just can't!"
Ike,Whoa won toooo-reeee.
Kyle,"Cartman got his, then Kenny. What if tomorrow Stan says he got his and I'm left out? I might not even get to be their friend anymore."
Ike,No. Martur sucker. Moghee. Muckeh m'gwoss. Tabyudog.
Kyle,"Yeah! I could just say I got my period! It's not like they'll check. I can just say I got my period, 'cause I really will get it someday! It's not really lying, it's just jumping the gun a little."
Ike,Cokeh mocker.
Kyle,"Thanks a lot, Ike!"
Stan,So you guys aren't gonna spend New Year's Eve with us?
Cartman,"Look, Kenny and I are mature now. We can't spend New Year's Eve with a couple of kids. Did you get your Maxi pads, Kenny?"
Kenny,(No. All I could get was a couple of tampons.)
Cartman,Tampon? What's a tampon?
Kenny,"(See, a tampon is what you stick up your ass so you don't bleed.)"
Cartman,"Ew, doesn't that hurt?"
Kenny,(A little.)
Kyle,"You guys! I got my period, too!"
Cartman,"Wow, cool!"
Stan,You did?
Kyle,"Yeah!  I was just hanging out in my room, and then I perioded all over the place."
Cartman,"All right! You have to be in me and Kenny's club, then. My mom gave me this ""Women Who Run With The Wolves"" book and I'm finding out all about our goddess powers."
Kyle,Awesome! We get powers?
Cartman,"Yeah! Come on, we can set everything up in my clubhouse and get ready for New Year's Eve!  Hey, don't feel bad, Stan. Some of us just mature a little later than others."
Stan,"Are you there, God? It's me, Stan. If you wouldn't mind, I don't wanna be the only kid who doesn't get his period before the new year. Could you speed up my development a little? Thanks, God. Your friend, Stan"
Jesus,"Are you there, God? It's me, Jesus. I feel like I've got a real shot at a comeback, God. For whatever reason, people are starting to follow me again. I'm 2000 years old, but I feel like I'm 28 again! I think I'm going to win everybody back, because I just made a few phone calls, and I'm going to put on the most amazing New Year's spectacle this world has ever seen!"
Phillip,"Oh God, you're smelly!"
Announcer,"Good morning, South Park, it's 8 a.m.,  and only two more days until the new millennium!"
Stan,Dammit! Dammit dammit dammit!
Sharon,"Stanley, honey, what's the matter?"
Stan,I'm not bleeding out my aahass!
Sharon,"Well, that's good, honey."
Stan,"No it's not! It's terrible!  Are you there, God? It's me, Stan. How come you didn't help me? I know you're really busy with things, but this is a matter of life and death. If I don't get my period, my friends won't let me hang out with them on New Year's Eve. Please, please give me my period soon."
Jimbo,Here he comes!
Mr. Garrison,He's coming out!
Jesus,"...I have given it much thought, my children, and you are right. After reviewing the Bible, it does indeed say that something very big is going to happen at the millennium.  I have spoken to my Father in heaven, and he agreed that the millennium is significant to all of us. And ye who believe in me SHALL be rewarded!  So what we're going to do tomorrow night, New Year's Eve, 1999: we just got ROD STEWART to agree to play a comeback concert at the Rio Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, and you're all going!"
Man,"...We knew you could do it, Jesus!"
Mr. Garrison,"Well, I'd better book my ass a flight to Vegas!"
Fr. Maxi,For he is SaviorFor he is Lord
Crowd,He gives me hope whenI have only been boredAnd he lifts me up withHis gentle arm...
Cartman,"Okay, is everyone accounted for? Goddess Wind?"
Kyle,Here.
Cartman,Goddess Moon? Goddess Moon?!
Kenny,"(Dammit, here!)"
Cartman,"And I'm here, Goddess Earthly Delight. So this is the first meeting of our club for teens who have gotten their periods. We're supposed to talk about our periods. And boys. Let's talk about boys first. I think Craig is pretty cool, but I don't think Clyde is very cool."
Kyle,"I think Clyde is kind of cool, but Craig is definitely cooler than Clyde."
Kenny,"(Yes, I agree. I think Craig is a thousand times as cool as Clyde. There doesn't really seem to be a doubt.)"
Cartman,"Okay, that settles that. Now let's talk about our periods. Kyle, you first."
Kyle,Oh. Ah-ah. Ah-uh-m-m.
Cartman,"What's the matter, Kyle?"
Kyle,"Nothing. Um , my period is really uuuh...  Uuuh, my period is going swimmingly."
Cartman,"...Okay, that makes sense. Mine is going swimmingly, too."
Kenny,(And mine too.)
Kyle,Phew.
Chef,"Oh, hello Stan."
Stan,"Hey, Chef."
Chef,How's it going?
Stan,Bad.
Chef,Why bad?
Stan,Can I come in?
Chef,"Well, sure.  Now, what's the matter, little cracker?"
Stan,"Chef, I have ...this friend, see? And this person is really bummed out, because everyone else the same age has gotten their period, and this person hasn't."
Chef,"OOH, you're talkin' about your older sister, Shelly."
Stan,No.
Chef,"Your little girlfriend, Wendy."
Stan,"Look, it doesn't matter who it is. The point is that everyone else got their period and this person hasn't."
Chef,"Look, Stan. Do you really know what a period is?"
Stan,"Yeah, Cartman told us."
Chef,"Stan, let me sing you a little song about the menstrual cycle. I think it might clear things up for you."
Stan,Okay.
Chef,"Ooo baby, yeah baby, ooo baby.Yeah baby, yeah baby, now baby.Ooo yeah, yes yes babyYeahyeahyeah, uh-huh baby nowAgh! Agh! Awww! No, baby!Ewww, baby! No, no!Alright now—I'm alright, I'm-I'm cool, it's okay.Uh alright, watch out for the bedspread, baby.Look out now, it's- alright, I'll tell you what.Uuh, how about uuh, uh.Why don't I call you next week?And that's my song about the menstrual cycle, Stan. Did that clear things up for you?"
Stan,"...So what you're saying is, this person shouldn't be bummed because everybody has their period at a different time."
Chef,...Is that what I said?
Stan,"But it's not fair! It's not fair that one day you're on top, that you're the coolest kid in town, and then the next day you're at the bottom again, 'cause everyone has blood coming out their ass but you, and if I can't menstruate, then by God, I'm not gonna sit around and be the only periodless 8-year-old boy! I'm gonna do something about it!"
Chef,Whoa! I musta missed a WHOLE middle part there.
Agent,"I can't tell you how excited Rod Stewart is about this millennium concert. He's gotten a little older, but you're gonna see how much he can still rock."
Jesus,"Hoh, I'm excited too. I think it will bring my Father's children back to their faith and back to mine eyes, for I an the Lamb of God."
Agent,"Yeah t-and uh, you know, Rod is a seasoned veteran, so I'm gonna have to ask for a bit more cash, but we could talk about that later; here comes Rod now."
Rod,Hullo-o-o.
Jesus,"Hey, Rod, great to see you."
Rod,Oh.
Jesus,"Uh, the folks are sure glad you're playing. It's really given them a lot of faith in me again. I'm sure that together, we can make this millennium party the best New Year's bash ever!"
Rod,Pooped pants.
Jesus,What?
Rod,Pooped pants.
Jesus,Poo pants?
Rod,Pooped 'nmuh pants.
Jesus,"Uh, you pooped your pants?"
Rod,Pooped in my pants.
Jesus,Oh Uh-n nurse? Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants?
Nurse,"Again?!  Now, Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?"
Dr. Mephesto,"Yes, puberty is a very wonderful thing, Stan. It's what links us all together, makes us one."
Stan,But what happens if there's someone who never went through puberty.
Dr. Mephesto,Never went through puberty? Who never went through puberty?
Stan,"Nn-nobody! I mean, uh, well, m-my dad."
Dr. Mephesto,Your father never went through puberty?
Stan,"No. And uh, that's why he sent me here; 'cause he's too embarrassed to come himself."
Dr. Mephesto,"Oh, I can't say that I blame him."
Stan,So do you know anything that can help him?
Dr. Mephesto,"Well, I should think the most logical solution would be... hormones."
Stan,Hormones?
Dr. Mephesto,"Yes!  Here, and tell your father to take just one of these pills every week. It could be just what he needs. And be sure to tell him that his secret is safe with me."
Stan,"Thanks a lot, Dr. Mephesto. You're the best!"
Dr. Mephesto,My pleasure. I just love helping people.
Cartman,"Now, for our first club activity, we're supposed to reach into this little dish and pull out a word. We look at the word and think about what that word means to us."
Kyle,"Okay. Today's word is ""spirituality."" What that means to me is uh-"
Stan,Hey assholes!
Cartman,"Oh, look. It's that little boy who hasn't gotten his period yet."
Stan,Don't you worry about that! I've started taking hormones!
Kyle,Hormones?
Stan,"Yeah, they make you have your puberty quicker. And I'm just here to tell you that my puberty is gonna be bigger than any of you guys's!"
Kyle,"Dude, I don't think 8-year olds are supposed to take hormones."
Cartman,"Yeah, you shouldn't force your period, Stan. You should let it come, like the morning dew."
Stan,So what are we gonna do for New Year's?
Cartman,"Well, we're going with our families to Las Vegas. I guess there'll be some younger kids there, too, if you wanna go."
Stan,Aaaargh. I'm gonna go take some more hormones.
Cartman,"Now, the word is ""spirituality."" I believe that the goddess in me is my spirituality because she-"
Kenny,(Ooooowwwwwwwhh.)
Cartman,"Quiet, Kenny. The goddess lives in all of us and has-"
Kenny,(Oh- ooowww!)
Cartman,"Goddammit, Kenny, shut the hell up!"
Kenny,(Aaaaaa!)
Kyle,"Whoa, dude!"
Dr. Doctor,Mr. and Ms. McCormick.
McCormick Parents,Yes?
Dr. Doctor,I'm sorry. We... couldn't save your son.
Ms. McCormick,"Oh my God, my little Kenny's gone. I can't believe it."
Dr. Doctor,We just didn't get to him in time. There's nothing we could do.
Stuart,"What happened? What killed him, doctor?"
Dr. Doctor,"Well, we found a... tampon stuck up your child's ass. Apparently, he'd had it up there for several days. It plugged him up until he finally burst from the inside out like a ruptured septic tank."
Ms. McCormick,Oh my God.
Dr. Doctor,My worry is that he could have been following some kind of crazy new fad. Perhaps the children are all shoving tampons up their ass because they've seen the Backstreet Boys doing it on TV or something.
Ms. McCormick,Gi-ih
Dr. Doctor,"We must get to the bottom of this! ...if you'll pardon the pun. But actually, right now, I've got to catch a plane to Las Vegas to see the Rod Stewart Millennium Show."
Stuart,Rod Stewart's gonna be in Vegas?
Netzel,"Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas, where tomorrow night THE New Year's Eve event is going to happen. Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, is presenting Rod Stewart, the undisputed King of Pop, right here at this hotel behind me.  It looks as though Jesus really has come through.  Everyone is very excited, because rumor has it that God Himself is gonna show up to the event."
Jesus,What??
Netzel,"How about you, ma'am? Do you think God is gonna show up tomorrow night?"
Ma'am,Of course he is. This is Jesus we're talking about. He wouldn't let us down.
Jesus,"Oh no! Are you there, God? Father, will you please reconsider and show up tomorrow?  ...Hello?"
Sharon,"Stanley.  Wake up, honey. It's time to leave for Las Vegas."
Stan,"Who-o-oa, du-ude. I've got boobs."
Cartman,"Hey, Las Vegas is a pretty cool place for us mature people."
Jesus,"Alright, people. Are we ready to rock the millennium?!  Father in heaven, please let tonight's show go well. Please make them like it."
Kyle,"Hey, here comes Stan."
Stan,Have I missed anything?
Cartman,"Wow, Stan, you really got some nice titties there."
Kyle,"Did you get your period yet, Stan?"
Stan,"No. I didn't, but-"
Cartman,"Buh- Don't worry. You'll get it someday. Come on, Kyle. Let's go see what kind of tampons they have here in Las Vegas."
Jesus,"Well, I tell you one thing. I sure as heck am excited. We've got about four hours to the new year, and so I think it's time to START IT UP! Ladies and gentlemen, as promised, Mr. Rod ""Do You Think I'm Sexy?"" Stewart!"
Rod,O-o-oh.  O-oh.  O-o-o-oh. Be-eh-o-o-or.
Jimbo,"Whoa, man."
Rod,Oh. Uh pooped 'em.
Mr. Garrison,This sucks balls!
Blonde,Yeah!
Man 7,"Alright, enough of this! Bring out God!"
Man 9,Yeah!
Jesus,Oh no.
Crowd,We want God! We want God! We want God!
Jesus,"Please, Father. Do something."
Crowd,We want God!
Jesus,"Uh, folks, I'm afraid God can't make it tonight."
Randy,We came all the way to Las Vegas for this?!
Woman,"This is the worst New Year's ever! Thanks a lot, Jesus!"
Skeeter,Let's get him!
Netzel,"Well, Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas in what is quickly becoming known as ""the gayest party ever."" Everyone is so outraged that they are building a large cross in which to once again crucify our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."
Stan,"Jesus, why does God hate me?"
Jesus,"Huh? He doesn't hate you, he hates me. He's gonna let me be crucified again."
Stan,He hates me more. He doesn't answer my prayers. I prayed to him every day and he never answered me.
Jesus,"Well, yeah, but just because God doesn't answer your prayers doesn't mean he doesn't care about you."
Stan,"Well then, why didn't he give me what I wanted?"
Jesus,"Well, God can't just answer every prayer and suddenly give you everything you want. That takes all the living out of life."
Stan,What do you mean?
Jesus,"If God answered all our prayers, there'd be nothing left for us to do ourselves. Life is about problems, and overcoming those problems.  A-and growing and learning from obstacles. If God just fixed everything for us, then there'd be no point in our existence.  That's why he wouldn't show up to my New Year's party."
Stan,I just wanted my period.
Jesus,"I get it now, Father. I had to learn all this on my own.  I was overcome with my new popularity and, and I let pride get in the way of good judgment."
Man,"Whoa, what is that??"
Jesus,It's Dad.
Fr. Maxi,God? God is going to show himself??
Woman,"Look, I can see him."
Jesus,Father. You came.
God,"Now look upon Me, My children, and know Me.  Be ye not afraid.  Blessed art thou, my children."
Randy,That's God?
Jesus,"Yea, 'tis my Father, the Creator. He is the Alpha and the Omega.  The Beginning and the End."
Mr. Garrison,"Well, yeah, but that??"
God,"What did you expect me to look like, My son?"
Mr. Garrison,...Well not like that!
God,"Since it is the end of the first 2000 years, I will allow you, My children, to ask me one question."
Gerald,One question?
Mr. Mackey,Only one?
Sharon,What should we ask him?
Chef,"We have to think carefully. We can ask him anything we want, like, ""What's the meaning of life?"" or ""Why are we here?""."
Stan,I have it. I have the question.  Now you have to answer me once and for all! How come I haven't gotten my period yet?!
God,"My child, you are a boy. Boys do not get periods. That's only for girls. Your friends were bleeding a little bit out of their asses because of an acute colon infection. And your friend Kyle simply lied about it."
Kyle,How do know that?
God,"You will hit puberty when the time is right. But you will never have a period, because you are a man — with titties. Thus spaketh the Lord. And now I return to heaven."
Mr. Garrison,"Hey, wait! That doesn't count as our question, does it??"
God,"I'll answer another on New Year's Eve, in the year 4000."
Stan,"Did you hear that everybody? I'm not even supposed to have my period; that's why God wasn't answering me before!  Boy, I'm sure everything worked out okay.  I guess now we can all celebrate the New Year, huh?Should auld acquaintance be forgotAnd never brought to mind?Should auld acquaintance be forgotAnd auld lang syne?For auld lang syne, my dear,For auld lang syne..."
Skeeter,Let's get him.
Stan,Let's have a cup o-Aaaa!
Announcer,"This Saturday, Pox presents the musical event of the new millennium! You all remember playing the recorder in elementary school!  Well, this Saturday in Oklahoma City , over 4 million third-grade students  from all over the country  will gather in one place, and at the same time, play ""My Country 'Tis Of Thee"" on their recorders.  It's the largest third-grade recorder concert ever!  Special guest conductor Yoko Ono  and woodwind virtuoso Kenny G  will lead this fantastic event! This Saturday, at 11 Eastern / 10 Central. The world will be watching!"
Mr. Garrison,"Okay children, we've still got some time to practice the song before we load up the bus and head out for Oklahoma."
Class,Awww.
Mr. Garrison,"Now, come on, there's gonna be over 4 million third-graders from all over the country there, and I wanna make sure South Park is the best! Okay?!  Recorders up.  And a-1 and a-2 and a-  ""...of liberty."" You're late!  ""...my father-"" What the hell was that?!  God-damnit, I don't think you children have been working on your fingering!"
Cartman,"That's not true, Mr. Garrison: Kyle was working on his fingering with his mom all night long."
Kyle,"Shut up, fatass!"
Cartman,"Heh, heh. No, seriously. Kyle's mom says Kyle's getting really good at fingering, heh."
Mr. Garrison,"Shut up, Eric! There's gonna be 4 million children playing this song at the same time on their recorders, and, so help me God, South Park Elementary is not gonna be the only ones that don't know the song! Try again! Recorders up.  And a-1 and a-2 and a-"
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, that sounded great, kids."
Mr. Garrison,"Sure, if you like the sound of a peacock getting its neck broken."
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, kids. Uh, we have some news. Uh, there's been a terrible flood in Oklahoma, m'kay? So the 4-million-recorder-children's event is being moved to Arkansas."
Mr. Garrison,Arkansas?
Stan,What's Arkansas—is that a state?
Mr. Mackey,"Eh, the trip shouldn't take any longer, but I'll hand out these updated contact sheets so that your parents will know where you are, m'kay?"
Mr. Garrison,"Mr. Mackey, can I talk to you for a second?"
Mr. Mackey,M'kay.
Mr. Garrison,"Mr. Mackey, um... I can't go to Arkansas. Somebody's gonna have to fill in for me."
Mr. Mackey,What? We can't find anybody to fill in for you. Why can't you go to Arkansas?
Mr. Garrison,Arkansas is where I grew up. My parents live there—my  ...father still lives there.
Mr. Mackey,"Well, don't you want to see them?"
Mr. Garrison,I haven't seen my father for 23 years.
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, perhaps you should sit down, Mr. Garrison, m'kay?  Mr. Garrison, I know this is very difficult, m'kay, but I must ask: is there a history of sexual abuse in your family?"
Mr. Garrison,"...Some, yes. There was my uncle, Richard. He... he molested me."
Mr. Mackey,When was that?
Mr. Garrison,"Saturday. Last, last Saturday. He's a paraplegic, but it didn't—"
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, eh, and your father? He molested you when you were a boy?  Mr. Garrison, I think, when we get to Arkansas, you need to see your father. You need to face this demon in your closet, m'kay?"
Mr. Garrison,"Don't look at me! Uh, y'all go on your bastard trip and just- don't look at me!"
Cartman,That was pretty cool.
Mr. Mackey,M'kay.
Cartman,"Okay, how about this one, Kenny?"
Kenny,(Uh-uh.)
Cartman,No? How about this?
Kenny,(Nope.)
Cartman,"Hm, interesting. Let's see: how about this?"
Kyle,"Cartman, what the hell are you doing?"
Cartman,"We're trying to find the brown noise—it's this one pitch, this certain frequency that makes people lose bowel control."
Stan,"What's ""lose bowel control?"""
Cartman,That's a scientific term for crapping your pants.
Kyle,"Oh, brother, here we go again. Cartman, there is not a sound frequency that makes people crap their pants!"
Cartman,Yes there is! The French experimented with it in World War II!
Kyle,Nuh-uh!
Cartman,"How about this one, Kenny?"
Kenny,(Nuh-uh.)
Kyle,"There is no brown noise, fat boy!"
Cartman,That's nice. When I find it I'll just make you crap yourself so you look like Karen Carpenter.
Stan,Who's Karen Carpenter?
Mr. Garrison,"Aaaaaah!  Huhh, ohh,"
Mr. Mackey,"Mr. Garrison, are you alright?"
Mr. Hat,Mr. Garrison isn't here right now.
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay-Mr. Garrison, you're just having a hard time dealing with the memories of your father's sexual abuse, so you switch personalities to Mr. Hat, m'kay?"
Mr. Hat,"Oh, good one, Sherlock! You figure that out all by yourself?!"
Mr. Mackey,M'kay-I think the best thing for Mr. Garrison to do is to go see his father.
Mr. Hat,"No! No, you moron!  Mr. Garrison can't let the memories end! Just leave us alone!"
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay! Mr. Hat, you need to let me talk to Mr. Garrison, m'kay?!"
Mr. Hat,Why would he want to talk to a second-rate dopey-ass elementary-school psychologist?!
Mr. Mackey,What did you say?!
Mr. Hat,"You heard me, jackass! There's monkeys that make better counselors than you!"
Mr. Mackey,"Why, you son of a bitch!"
Stan,Whoa! Mr. Mackey and Mr. Hat are fighting.
Mr. Mackey,"I'm gonna kick your ass, m'kay?!"
Students,Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Ms. Crabtree,BE QUIET BACK THERE!
Mr. Mackey,"Yuh-NO!  You may have won this time, Mr. Hat."
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, I want everyone to stay together, m'kay? Nobody move!"
Coordinator,School?
Mr. Mackey,Excuse me?
Coordinator,What school are you from?
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, uh we're from South Park, Colorado?"
Coordinator,"Ssss, alright. South Park school, you go over there next to the kids from New York.  Nono, don't put the Florida kids in the building!"
Tough Guy 1,Ey! Look at the little Eskimos in their freakin' hats and gloves.
Tough Guy 2,"Yeah, huh?"
Tough Guy 1,"Whoa, look at this kid's coat.  Ey, kid. What's the matter—you a freakin' burn victim or somethin'? What?"
Kyle,Who the hell are these guys?
Tough Guy 1,I didn't know they was invitin' rednecks to this event!
Stan,We're not rednecks!
Kyle,"Yeah! That's Texas, butthole!"
Tough Guy 1,"Oh yeah? Well, you look like a bunch of queefs to me, huh?!"
Cartman,"Stan, what's a queef?"
Kyle,Kenny?
Kenny,(I don't know!)
Tough Guy 1,"Oh, brother! You guys don't even know what a queef is, huh?!"
Cartman,"Of course we know what a queef is, you queef!"
Black kid,"Oh yeah? Well, what is it, then?!"
Cartman,Aaaa-
Stan,Why?! Don't you know?!
Tough Guy 1,Are all redneck queefs from Colorado as stupid as youse?!
Kyle,"Alright, dickhole!"
Coordinator,"I need everyone's attention, please! We will now all be moving in an orderly fashion to our assigned hotels. Please follow your group leader to check in."
Tough Guy 1,"Yeah see ya later, queefs!"
Kyle,"Ungh, I can't find the word ""queef"" anywhere!"
Stan,Well keep looking! We gotta find out what it means before we see those New Yorker kids again!
Kyle,"Well, let's try the dictionary.  queasy, Quebec, queen quelch. No queef."
Stan,Damnit!
Cartman,"Hey, I found it, you guys! I found it!"
Stan,You did?
Kyle,What's it mean?! What's it mean?!
Cartman,"I told you guys! Here it is, right here. ""The brown noise."""
Kyle,Awwgh!
Stan,"Damnit Cartman, wha-?!"
Cartman,"""An oscillation of sound that causes the bowels to loosen."" See? That means crap your pants. ""The brown noise is believed to be 92 cents below the lowest octave of Eb."" What does that mean?"
Stan,Who cares? We have to find out what queef means! Keep reading!
Mr. Garrison,I can do this. I have to do this.  Hello. Dad.
Mr. Garrison Sr.,"Oh, hello, son."
Mr. Garrison,Can I ...come in?
Mr. Garrison Sr.,"Ub. Sure, of course.  Your mom's out at Bridge Night. You want a beer or somethin'?"
Mr. Garrison,"No. I don't think that will solve any of our problems, though you seem to think it did."
Mr. Garrison Sr.,"Uh, what?"
Mr. Garrison,"I have a lot of demons that I need to face, father. I need to know some things."
Mr. Garrison Sr.,"Uh, okay, like what?"
Mr. Garrison,"Alright, alright, let's just cut right to it!  I've come to ask you about the sexual abuse, dad!"
Mr. Garrison Sr.,What??
Mr. Garrison,I have to know why! Right here and now—we're gonna talk about this!
Mr. Garrison Sr.,What the hell are you talking about?! I never sexually abused you!
Mr. Garrison,I know! I wanna know why not?!
Mr. Garrison Sr.,WHAT??
Mr. Garrison,Was it that I was ugly?!
Mr. Garrison Sr.,"Oh, my God!"
Mr. Garrison,"I wasn't good enough for you! Was that it, Dad?!"
Mr. Garrison Sr.,"Well, NO!!"
Mr. Garrison,"Sure, you can go off and screw any whore on Wyland Street, but when it came to your own son you were just too busy!"
Coordinator,"Alright, everyone, quiet please! There are over 4 million of you, so we must have quiet! At this time I would like to introduce the woman who is making this all possible, Yoko Ono!"
Yoko Ono,"Please ... sing song ""My Country 'Tis of Thee."""
Coordinator,"You heard her, We'll start the rehearsal in a few minutes."
Stan,"Those New Yorker kids are gonna be here any second, and we still don't know what queef means."
Kyle,"Well, we can still pre-tend like we know what it means."
Stan,"No, they'll catch on. Hey, wait a minute. I've got a great idea. Let's make up our own word. We can make up a word, and then use it, ...and then they'll act like they know it, and then we'll bust 'em."
Kyle,Yeah. That'll make 'em look stupid!
Stan,What word could we make up?
Kyle,How about... finkleroy?
Stan,"No, uhno, not finkleroy."
Cartman,"How about geebo, or, or mung?"
Stan,"Yeah, mung."
Kyle,Mung's good.
Stan,Sh. Here they come.
Tough Guy 1,"Well hel-lo there, queefs. All bundled up nice and warm, are we?"
Stan,You know what you guys are? You guys are nothing but mung?
Tough Guy 2,We're not mung. You're mung.
Kyle,"Oh, so you know what mung means, hunh?"
Tough Guy 1,Of course we know what mung means!
Athlete,"Yeah, D'ya think we wouldn't know what mung means?"
Stan,We busted you!
Kyle,Hyeh. Yeah. Mung isn't even a word! We made it up!
Tough Guy 1,You guys are even stupider than I thought! Mung is so a word!
Stan,It is?
New Yorkers,Yeah.
Athlete,It sure is.
New Yorker 1,Yeah.
New Yorker 2,Uh huh.
Tough Guy 1,Yeah! Mung is the stuff that comes out when you push down on a pregnant woman's stomach.
Kyle,Eewww.
Stan,Ooogh.
Tough Guy 1,"You guys didn't know that?  Come on, guys. Let's get away from these rednecks before we get redneckasitis, or somethin'!"
Stan,"You dumbass, Cartman!"
Kyle,"Yeah! Next time you make up a word, don't make up one that already exists!"
Mrs. Garrison Sr.,"It's so nice to see you, son. I'm so proud that you're part of the 4 Million Child Recorder Blow."
Mr. Garrison,"Yes. I hope it's okay if I stay here a few nights, Mother, I... I have some things I really need to talk to you about."
Mrs. Garrison Sr.,About what?
Mr. Garrison,"Mother, did you know that ...Dad... never sexually molested me?"
Mrs. Garrison Sr.,That... that can't be.
Mr. Garrison,"He never did, Mom, not once."
Mrs. Garrison Sr.,That's not true! Your father loved you! Often!
Mr. Garrison,"He never did, Mom! And I think you knew he never did!"
Mrs. Garrison Sr.,Nohoho! No! If I knew I would have made him do it!
Mr. Garrison,You stood by and let it happen! You saw him come home drunk and then just go right to sleep!
Mrs. Garrison Sr.,I'm not listening!
Mr. Garrison,"Face it, Mother. He never abused me!"
Mr. Garrison Sr.,"Uh, what's goin' on?"
Mr. Garrison,Mother won't hear the truth!
Mrs. Garrison Sr.,He says you didn't molest him as a child!
Mr. Garrison Sr.,Ah-I didn't! You knew I didn't!
Mrs. Garrison Sr.,No! I didn't know!  I'm not listening!
Mr. Garrison,"You can't close your eyes forever, Mother!  Mother, wait!"
Yoko Ono,"Alright people, how many people has a copy. We must have-a practiced the ... song for the performance tomorrow, please."
Coordinator,"Okay, children. We need to play closer attention to the sheet music. Remember, if you get lost, just follow along with Mr. Kenny G here."
Cartman,"Hey, that's it, Kenny. Maybe Kenny G can show us where 92 cents below the lowest Eb is. Then we'll know the brown noise."
Kenny,(Yeah.)
Yoko Ono,And-a one gop seven to-sand ...  O-o-o-o. Stop! Stop ... beh goos sa buh got pee you got dere. That was-a terrify! That was-a horri-bee! What we gonna do?!
Kyle,What the hell is that lady talking about?
Stan,I have no idea.
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, Mr. Garrison, Sr.?"
Mr. Garrison Sr.,"Thuh, that's me."
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, my name is Mr. Mackey. I'm your school counselor, m'kay."
Mr. Garrison Sr.,What can I do for ya?
Mr. Mackey,"Uh-I wanna talk to you about your son—I'm his n-therapist, m'kay."
Mr. Garrison Sr.,"Uh, brother! Look, I didn't sexually abuse my son when he was younger!"
Mr. Mackey,"Eh, you didn't?"
Mr. Garrison Sr.,No! He's upset because I didn't molest him!
Mr. Mackey,"Oh. Hm. Uh, I guess that's a little different."
Mr. Garrison Sr.,"A little, yeah! He thinks if I don't molest him it means I don't love him."
Mr. Mackey,"Well, now, uh, what's he supposed to think, Mr. Garrison? I mean, uh, look at all the media, all the magazine ads and television ads talkin' about ""sexual molestation"", m'kay? He sees all that and assumes you didn't molest him because of some flaw in his looks or personality."
Mr. Garrison Sr.,I didn't do it because it's wrong!
Mr. Mackey,"I know, I know, but I'm afraid this problem has run very deep through Mr. Garrison's mental state. I'm worried that if... you don't do something, well it could kill him."
Mr. Garrison Sr.,Hold on a second: are you actually suggesting that I have sex with my 41-year old son?!
Mr. Mackey,"There comes a time in every father's life when he must ask himself, ""How far will I go to save my son's life?"""
Mr. Garrison Sr.,"Well, I won't have sex with him!"
Mr. Mackey,"Well, I've said all I can say.  I know it's difficult, but... family... is about compromises. m'kay?  Don't lose your son over this, Mr. Garrison.  Don't lose... your son, m'kay?"
Mr. Garrison Sr.,Am I the only sane person left on earth?!
Reporter,"Tomorrow the whole world will be tuning in as over 4 million children play ""My Country 'Tis Of Thee"" on their recorders.  It is by far the largest gathering of little plastic recorders in human history. Yoko Ono has..."
Mr. Garrison,"Well, Mom said I could sleep in the guest room tonight. Good night, Dad."
Mr. Garrison Sr.,Good night.
Reporter,Words to live by.
Mr. Garrison,Guess I'll just... go on up to bed now.
Mr. Garrison Sr.,Uh huh.
Mr. Garrison,"Now, I don't really have any pajamas—guess I'll just... sleep in my boxers or something."
Mr. Garrison Sr.,Should be fine.
Mr. Garrison,Uh I'll leave the door open a little in case you ...need to see me about anything.
Mr. Garrison Sr.,Won't be necessary.
Mr. Garrison,I'll just... be going up to bed now.  Gueh... guess maybe I won't even wear those boxers.
Mr. Garrison Sr.,I'm not going to molest you!
Mr. Garrison,You don't love me!  I wanna die!
Mr. Garrison Sr.,God-damnit!
Stan,I wish we could find a way to get back at those New Yorker kids.
Kyle,Yeah. They think they're so cool.
Cartman,"You guys! You guys! We found it! We found it, you guys!"
Kyle,"Calm down, Cartman."
Stan,You found what?
Cartman,"The brown noise! Kenny and me found the brown noise! Here, look! Look.  There, okay. Let's see here.  Right there. Okay. Okay. Ready, Kenny?"
Kenny,"(Ready.)  (Oh,  shiiit. Damnit! Cartman, I've got to go to the bathroom!)"
Stan,No way.
Kyle,I don't believe it!
Cartman,"Um, seriously, you guys! Come on, watch.  Okay."
Delivery Man,"Whoa- Oh, my God!  Aaww, I crapped my pants!"
Kyle,That's amazing.
Cartman,I told you guys!
Stan,"Dude, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
Cartman,That they should bring back Chicago Hope for another season? Totally.
Stan,No! That we could use the brown noise to get back at those asshole New Yorker kids.
Cartman,Ooooh.
Kyle,"Yeah, dude!"
Cartman,"They should bring back another season of Chicago Hope though, seriously."
Patron 1,"Ey, what's the matter there, Garrison? You look kinda sad."
Mr. Garrison Sr.,"Well, I'm having some troubles at home."
Patron 1,"Well, come on. Tell us about it. We always help each other out, don't we, fellas?"
Patron 2,Yeah.
Patron 3,"Yeah, that's right."
Patron 1,Yeah.
Mr. Garrison Sr.,"All right. It's just that... I mean... We're all family men here, right?"
Patron 2,Sure!
Patron 3,Yeah we are!
Blond,I am. I know that.
Mr. Garrison Sr.,"Well, can I ask you guys a difficult question?"
Patron 1,Absolutely.
Patron 2,Of course.
Patron 4,"Yeah, man."
Patron 5,"Come on, Garrison!"
Mr. Garrison Sr.,Alright. Would you have sex with your son to save his life?
Patron 2,"...Oh, this is one of them Scruples questions, ain't it?"
Patron 1,"Nono, I got a better one: Would you have sex with your mother... to save your father's life?"
Patrons,"Wooo, yeah."
Patron 2,"Oh, like if someone had a gun to your father's head and said, ""Have sex with your mother or else I'll shoot him""?"
Patron 1,Yeah.
Patron 2,"Oh, that's a tough one."
Patron 3,Hmmm.
Mr. Garrison Sr.,"No no wait, uh, you don't understand."
Blond,How about if someone made you have sex with your mother and father to save your own life?
Patrons,"No, no, no way. No."
Patron 6,"But if it was to save my mother's life, uh-I think I would have to have sex with my father."
Patron 7,Yeup.
Patron 8,"Me, too."
Patron 9,"Well, I think that goes without saying."
Mr. Garrison Sr.,"Weh actually, I'm just... talking about a... son."
Patron 8,"Well, personally, I would have sex with my son to save to save my mother's life. It depends, uh- how big a gun are we talkin' here?"
Mr. Garrison Sr.,"Uh, he doesn't have a gun."
Blond,The father doesn't have a gun?
Mr. Garrison Sr.,No! Nobody's got a gun!
Patron 3,"I think if someone said, ""Have sex with your mother or else I'm gonna kill your son,"" but he didn't have a gun, I wouldn't do it."
Patron 2,"He could have a knife, though."
Patron 1,Yeah.
Patron 3,Sure.
Patron 1,"Yeah, a knife."
Bartender,"If a killer put a knife to my throat, and said, ""Have sex with your father or else I'm gonna kill your mother while having sex with you,"" ...I would have sex with myself."
Patron 1,"...Yeah, I would"
Patron 2,That's right.
Patron 3,Uh huh.
Bartender,That makes sense.
Patron 10,Mm-hm.
Patron 1,Wasn't that right?
Patron 3,"Mm, See?"
Stan,"How do we write he note, Cartman?"
Cartman,"Lowest Eb, let's see. I think it looks like this."
Stan,"Alright. Now all we do is wipe out the last note on their sheet music, and change it to the note Cartman played.  Come on.  There.  That should do it."
Cartman,"Sweet. I can't wait to see them crap their pants in front of everybody, you guys."
Stan,"Okay, let's get back to the room."
Coordinator,"What's this??  ""Revised Music for Tomorrow""?? Chip, did you get revised music for tomorrow??"
Chip,What??
Coordinator,Ms. Ono has made revisions again! We've got to get these copied 4 million times and make the revisions to the projected music! Come on! Hurry!
Mr. Garrison,"Dad?  Pop, I'm just fast asleep—I'm not hearing anything."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh! Oh! Oh, Dad! Oh, goodness gracious, uh! Oh, stop Dad, stop! Whahawah, whah, how could you-hoo?!"
Mr. Garrison,"Well, Mom, Dad, I guess I'd better be going. The concert is gonna start soon."
Mrs. Garrison Sr.,"Are you sure you can't stay one more night, son?"
Mr. Garrison,"No, I... think all my work here is done. Dad, I... don't know what to say; I feel closer to you than I ever have."
Mr. Garrison Sr.,"Well, I just hope that NOW we can put the past behind us and, and try to be a normal family again."
Mr. Garrison,"We sure can! Well, I've got a worldwide-telecast recorder concert to get to."
Mrs. Garrison Sr.,"We'll be watching on TV. Make us proud, son."
Mr. Garrison,"I will.  Good-bye, Mom! Good-bye, Dad!  Gray skies are gonna clear up; put on a happy face..."
Mrs. Garrison Sr.,"You did the right thing, Poppa."
Mr. Garrison Sr.,"I didn't do squat!  Here you go, a hundred bucks."
Kenny G.,"Oh, that's okay. Keep your money. Thanks."
Announcer,"Live, from Oklahoma City!  Four million third-grade students  from all over the country  playing ""My Country 'Tis Of Thee"" on their recorders... ""MY COUNTRY 'TIS OF THEE"" special."
Stan,"Dude, I can't wait 'til those New Yorker kids play the brown noise and crap their pants."
Kyle,We have to watch them! We can't miss it!
Kenny G,Are we all ready to play?  Thanks. Okay.  Let's see the music!
Kyle,This is gonna be sweet!
Stan,"Oh no, dude. Look!  It's the music we changed!"
Cartman,Uh-oh.
Kyle,"Dude, if 4 million people play the brown noise at the same time-"
Yoko Ono,"One, two, sign paytah."
"Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman",No!
Stan,Stop! Stop!
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, aren't those our boys?"
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, no. What are they doing?"
"Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman",Noooo!!!
Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing in New York City, but it could just as well be any town on Earth right now. The desolation, the damage is exactly the same in every city the whole world over. It's been just under 20 hours since everyone on Earth pooped their pants, and people still roam their damaged homes with disbelief, and loss. Rick?"
Rick,"Alan, I'm standing at ground zero. Here, the damage is greater than anywhere.  Like the rest of the world, everyone here has crapped their pants. Some  crapped themselves to death. And still others ...ruined perfectly good pairs of pants. A nation mourns and tries to rebuild, but the big question that remains is, ""How did this happen?"""
Kenny G.,"Well, I see. Other than making everyone in the world crap their pants, our event went over really well."
Yoko Ono,"Wery well?! Wery well?! You're gonna be on Ricki Lake, I tell you again! Look at ad a bah godda circada she doin wery well?!"
Mr. Mackey,"Alright, come on, everybody. We've got a long bus ride back to Colorado, m'kay?"
Kyle,"Well, that whole experience sure did suck."
Stan,"Yeah, but you know? I learned something today. We were so worried about how cool we looked to those New Yorker kids that we forgot: we're already totally cool, even if we don't know what queef means."
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, queef is a vaginal expulsion of gas, m'kay."
Kyle,Huh?
Tough Guy 1,Here they are!
Tough Guy 2,Yeah!
Stan,"Oh, brother. Let's just get out of here."
Tough Guy 1,Ey! Not so fast! We know it was you guys that changed the music and made everyone on Earth crap their pants!
Stan,Uuuuh...
Tough Guy 2,"Yeah, we knows all about it!"
Kyle,"Oh, no!"
Tough Guy 1,"Yeah. Me and the guys, well we was talking, and well, well we just want you to know that we think you're pretty cool."
Kyle,Huh?
Stan,You do?
Tough Guy 1,"Sure. I mean, everyone on Earth shit themselves 'cause of you. And that's pretty cool. I mean, that's pretty amazing!"
Tough Guy 2,"Yeah, we was wrong about you guys. We're sorry."
Cartman,"Well, that's fine, that's fine. Next time, just remember that we're all pretty cool on the Westside, too, if you know what I'm saying, 'kay?"
Tough Guy 1,Yeah. See you guys later.
Mr. Garrison,"Come on, boys. You're holdin' up the bus.  Oh, wow, look. It's Kenny G himself. Thank you for a wonderful concert, Mr. G."
Kenny G,"Huhuh, good- good-bye."
Mr. Garrison,"M-m-m.  Oh, well, thank you!  You know, it's funny: you kiss just like my dad.  Well, Ms. Crabtree, this certainly has been a great trip. Let's head home."
Ms. Crabtree,Which way should we go?
Mr. Garrison,"Second star to the right, and straight on 'til morning."
Character,Line
Butters,Wuh-okay! You guys ready up there!?
Sledders,Ready!
Butters,On your marks! Get set! Uh-go!
Stan,We win again!
Token,That's not fair! Cartman's ass is so fat he makes your sled go faster!
Cartman,"Ey! Don't call me fat, Token!"
Girl in Pink,"We want to use the sleds now, butt pirates!"
Stan,Sleds are for guys.
Cartman,Yeah! Why don't you chicks go wash some dishes or get pregnant or something?!
Girl in Pink,"These are the school's sleds, ass rammers, not yours!"
Stan,"Look, girls don't even know how to sled. Do something else."
The rest of the boys,Yeah!
Girl in Pink,"I bet we can sled ten times better than you, doughnut punchers!"
Kyle,Oh yeah?!
The Girls,Yeah!
Cartman,We'd kick your girlie ass in sledding!
Girl in Pink,"How about a race down a real hill, then?!"
The Girls,Yeah!
Stan,You got it!
The rest of the boys,Yeah!
A few others,Yeah!
Girl in Pink,Your best four sledders against our best four sledders!
Stan,Noo problem!
Girl in Pink,Then we'll see you this Saturday on Phil Collins Hill!
Kyle,Phil Collins Hill on Saturday! You got it!
Girl in Pink,"See you there! And may the best woman win, turd burglars!"
Stan,"Oh, boy! We'll show them!"
Butters,"Yeah. Oo-oo-why, us men will show those skanky hos who's who!"
Clyde,"Yeah. Those girls don't realize what good sledders Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are."
Token,"Yeah! And with Cartman's enormously fat ass, the boys are sure to win!"
Cartman,"Token, I swear to God, if you call me fat one more time  I'm gonna smack you on the head with this rock!"
Kyle,Fatass.
Cartman,There!
Token,Oh!
Cartman,Heh. Huh. Uh-oh.
Mr. Mackey,"And what you need to understand is that this is not appropriate behavior, young man! M'kay?"
Liane,"Eric, don't you realize you could've seriously injured your little friend?"
Cartman,"I'm sorry, Mom."
Liane,"Don't apologize to us, apologize to him!"
Cartman,"I'm sorry, Token."
Mr. Mackey,"Well, I hope you learned that throwing rocks is bad, Eric."
Cartman,"Oh, I sure do, Mr. Mackey. I mean, I feel really bad, uhh. What was I thinking?  The only thing I can do now... is try to go on and live day by day.  See ya later."
Mr. Mackey,"Not this time, Eric! You've got to learn to respect your little friends! You're gonna have detention for two weeks!"
Cartman,No way!
Mr. Mackey,"Yes way! M'kay, and that settles it! Now, let's all go-"
Man 1,Counselor Mackey?
Mr. Mackey,Yes?
Man 1,I'm Agent Sharp and this is Agent Keen. We're with  the FBI.
Agent Keen,We're here to investigate the rock-throwing incident.
Mr. Mackey,"Nn-um. m'kay, uh, I've already taken care of it; Eric Cartman here is gonna be punished with two weeks of detention."
Agent Sharp,"I'm afraid it's a bit more complicated than that, Mr. School Counselor.You see, since the victim in this case is African-American, this is considered  a hate crime."
Cartman,...What the hell is a hate crime?
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, oh, but I don't think this is a ruh-"
Agent Keen,"New laws have been passed that make any crime based on race, ethnicity, or sexual orientation a federal offense."
Cartman,What? A federal offense?
Mr. Mackey,Oh no.
Cartman,Oh no??
Agent Keen,"We're sorry, Ms. Cartman, but we must follow protocol.  Your son will be taken into custody and then tried in a federal court of law."
Liane,Oh my goodness.
Announcer,"The hate crime trial of the century is underway  on Court TV tracks U van. . Live. Here's your host, Leslie Smith."
Leslie,"What turns a normal, fat little eight-year-old boy into a vicious, hate-crime-committing racist? We take you live to the courtroom  as the defendant takes the stand."
Prosecutor,"Mr. Cartman, do you know a boy by the name of ""Token?"""
Cartman,"Uh, yes?"
Prosecutor,Who is Token?
Cartman,He's a black kid that goes to my school?
Prosecutor,Black!  Did you say black?! You called him black?!
Cartman,He is black.
Prosecutor,"O! He said it again!  He is African-American, and so you decided to pick him out!"
Cartman,I did?
Prosecutor,The rage built and built inside your head until it became too much because you hate African-Americans!!
Cartman,No! I hate hippies!
Prosecutor,What?!
Cartman,"I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about ""protectin' the earth"" and then drive around in cars that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets - I hate 'em! I wanna kick 'em in the nuts!"
Liane,"Oo, poopiekins?"
Prosecutor,"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this is why we have hate-crime laws! This ""monster"" committed a crime—not against an individual, but against a race! Do the democratic thing and send his fat little butt to prison!"
Cartman,"Ey! Don't call me fat, asshole!"
Prosecutor,The prosecution rests.
Girl in Pink,"Don't forget: we still have a sledding race this Saturday, pillow biters."
"Stan, Kyle",We know!
Stan,"Dude, this is horrible. We gotta get Cartman out of court so we can go practice."
Judge,"Eric Cartman, you have been found guilty of committing a hate crime. For this, I hereby sentence you to the Alamosa Juvenile Hall, until you turn twenty-one."
Cartman,No!
Judge,"I am making an example of you, to send a message out to people everywhere: that if you want to hurt another human being, you'd better make damn sure they're the same color as you are!  Court is adjourned!"
The Girls,Woohoo! Hooray!
Judge,"Bailiffs, escort this little bastard to Juvenile Hall."
Black Bailiff,"Yes, sir."
White Bailiff,"Alright, you! ...Uh-uh-uh, where'd he go?"
Cartman,"Kenny! Kenny, you have to get me out of town!"
Kenny,(What the fuck for?!)
Cartman,They're gonna put me in jail for a hate crime! You have to take me to Mexico!
Kenny,(Mexico?! Why the heck do I have to take you all the way to Mexico?!)
Cartman,"Calm down, Kenny!"
Kenny,(Hey!)
Cartman,Do you still have that battery-powered toy truck you got last Christmas?!
Kenny,(Yes)
Cartman,"Well, come on! I don't have much time!"
Anchor,A car chase is evolving on the 285 corridor east of South Park! Hate-crime suspect Eric Cartman is trying to outrun federal prosecutors in his friend's Go-Go Action Bronco! Our Eye in the Sky Greg Nimins is there live. Greg?
Greg Nimins,"Tom, it looks like the Go-Go Action Bronco is heading east on 285. Police officers are right behind him  but as with any chase, they're keeping a safe distance to avoid any accidents here out on the highway.  Tom, it looks like the fugitive is going to make a bold move off an exit off 285. He's going into a residential neighborhood now; this is where it could get dangerous, as there are pedestrians about."
Cartman,"Damnit, Kenny! Can't this thing go any faster?!"
Kenny,(Why don'tcha keep your head down?!)
Greg Nimins,"Tom, the police have set a roadblock right where the Go-Go Action Bronco is heading.  This could be the final stand-off."
Policeman 1,"Alright, that's far enough. Stop the Go-Go Action Bronco and come out with your hands up.  Just bring it to a stop and come on out.  Jeezus, he's gonna ram it!  Crazy son of a bitch."
Greg Nimins,"Well, it's been over thirteen hours now, and still the car chase has not ended."
Kyle,What the hell are they doing?
Greg Nimins,The chase has now moved through most of Arizona and nears the Mexican border.
Stan,"Dude, if Kenny takes Cartman to Mexico, how are we ever gonna win the sledding race on Saturday?"
Kyle,"Don't worry, dude. That little truck just runs on D batteries. It's gonna run out of juice soon."
Cartman,"We're gonna make it, Kenny! We're gonna make it to Mexico!  Oh, God dammit!"
Stan,Hello?
Girl in Pink,"Just a friendly reminder: Cartman's going to jail and you've got four days until the race, rump rangers!"
Stan,Son of a bitch!
Driver,"Here we are, the end of the road. Alamosa Maximum Security Juvenile Hall."
Warden,"Prisoner 24601, arriving.  Forward, prisoner! You will wake up each morning at 0500.  Lockdown is until 0900. At ten we begin random searches and checks for contraband.  At 11:30 we have naptime, followed by finger-painting. Your cellmate is Romper Stomper!"
Cartman,Huh-who's Romper Stomper?
Romper Stomper,I am!  And I don't want no new cellmate!
Warden,"You don't have a choice, Stomper! Now, show this new prisoner the ropes!"
Romper Stomper,"Oh, I will!  You bet your ass I will."
Stan,"Alright, guys. It looks like Cartman's not gonna be able to sled with us for another... 13 years, so in the meantime we need someone to race with us against the girls on Saturday."
Kyle,"Yeah. Cartman's weight was what gave us speed, so we need to find the next-fattest kid besides Cartman."
Stan,"Come on, who's the second-fattest kid in South Park?"
Butters,"...Uuhh, I think Clyde is the next-fattest uh-kid."
Clyde,Huh?
Kyle,"Yeah. Okay, get over here, Clyde."
Clyde,I'm not fat.
Stan,"Deal with it, dude! Cartman's gone, so now you're the fat kid."
Kyle,"Yeah, fatass! Get your fat butt on the sled!"
Clyde,"Hey, I'm not fat, you guys. I'm just kind of big-boned."
Stan,"Dah, that's what they all say. Okay, ready? Go!"
Kyle,"Awwgh! Hey dude, we don't even have enough weight to move."
Girl In Pink,"See you Saturday, poo sniffers!"
Stan,"Nice going, fat boy!"
Romper Stomper,"Well, well, well. New fish. How about you come up with a reason why we don't break your arms?!"
Inmates,Yeah!
Cartman,Uh... 'Cause I'm just like you guys. Uh-I'm one of you.
Romper Stomper,"Oh yeah? The way I see it, there's two kinds of kids in the world: kids who like Animaniacs, and kids who don't like Animaniacs. You're either with us, or you're against us. So which are you?!"
Cartman,"Oh, uh, well, personally, I... uhuhuhuh, I... don't like Animaniacs?"
Romper Stomper,...Neither do we
Cartman,"Oh, thank you, Jesus.  So we're friends now?"
Romper Stomper,"No! There's no friends in the Big House! You come in with nobody and you leave with nobody. We don't believe in ""friends."""
Inmates,Yeah!
Cartman,"Yeah, neither do I. Friends suck."
Romper Stomper,"Now, go find me some cigarettes and I'll tell you how to bust out of here."
Stan,"Okay, we've figured it out. To add more weight to the sled, we're gonna use these bricks , but we're gonna cover 'em with kid's clothes so that the girls think it's another kid!"
Pip,"Oh, that's a wonderful idea."
Clyde,So I don't get to be on the team now?
All the boys,"Shut up, fatass!"
Kyle,"Yeah, why don't you go eat some more pork rinds or something, you fat fuck?!"
Stan,"Come on, let's get it a try."
"Kenny, Stan",Woopee!
Stan,Yeah-
"Stan, Kenny, Kyle",Wo-o-o-o-oh!
Stan,"Dude, bail! Bail!"
Kenny,(Huh? Uh.)  (AAAAAA!)  (Ufff!)  (Ugh!)
Stan,"Ooh, my God, we killed Kenny."
Kyle,We killed Kenny?
Stan,We Killed Kenny. We're bastards.
Kyle,"Well, that didn't work. What else can we try?"
Stan,Nothing else is gonna work.  We have to face the fact that without Cartman we're gonna lose to a bunch o' girls.
Butters,"Well, uh-I sure do hate to, uh, to see my gender tuh, lose to a bunch o' women!"
Pip,This is a sad day for men everywhere.
Stan,"You know something, guys? I think we all took Cartman's ass for granted."
All the boys,Yeup.
Kyle,If only we had realized how special our time with his gigantic ass was.
Butters,"Well, all that time we didn't understand what a... unique and magical ass it was."
Girl in Pink,"Woohoo. Great time, girls.  Oh, gee. Looks like you lost another sledder. Good luck on Saturday, doughnut punchers!"
Stan,That does it! We've got no other choice! We've got to bust Cartman out of jail!
Some boys,Oh?
Other boys,Huh?
Kyle,How?
Stan,I saw a movie once where they baked a cake and put a nail file inside of it.
Kyle,Sweet! Let's go!
The group,Hooray! Alright! Here we go!
Mother 1,And have you been brushing your teeth?
Boy 1,"Yes, Mommy."
Mother 1,And not dropping your soap?
Boy 1,"Yes, Mommy."
Boy 2,"Hi, Mom."
Mother 2,"Young man, that is the fourth time you've been late for our visiting time; you are grounded."
Boy 2,"Grounded? On, no! Um, wait..."
Guard,"Here you go, boys. Keep it short."
Cartman,Hey you guys.
Kyle,"Hey, fatass. How's prison?"
Cartman,"Well, it sucks balls. Whattaya think?"
Stan,"Cartman, why the hell did you have to commit a hate crime?! We're gonna lose to girls because of you!"
Kyle,Yeah! So you gotta bust out of here.  So we made you this cake.  There's a ailnay ilefay inside of it.
Cartman,A what?
Kyle,An ailnay ilefay.
Cartman,Wwhat's that?
Kyle,"Listen, aggotfay! An ailnay ilefay so you can eakbray out of isonpray!"
Stan,"Yeah, you stupid umbassday!"
Cartman,"I'd love to eat a cake, you guys, but they don't let us take anything back to the cells from here"
Kyle,"They on'tday?!  Why the ellhay otnay?! It ooktay ourfay ourshay to akebay this Od-damnedgay akecay, and ownay we're otallytay ewedscray!"
Stan,...Yeah.
Cartman,"Look, that's not important right now! Did you guys bring the cigarettes?"
Kyle,"Well, we got some cigarettes, but we don't think you should be smoking. Each year, over a million people die of smo-"
Cartman,Just hand over the God-damned cigarettes!
Stan,Sshh!
Cartman,"Look, if you guys want me back to win the sledding race,  then I need those cigarettes."
Stan,How are we supposed to give them to you?
Cartman,Just pass them through these little drill holes here. That's what everybody does.
Stan,But they're gonna search you on your way back to your cell.
Cartman,"I know. That's why I have to have them up my ass.  Shut up, you guys! It's not funny!"
Stan,"Alright, here."
Cartman,"Well, okay... here... l'see..."
Stan,Wow. I really wish I hadn't sat here and watched that.
Kyle,Me too.
Cartman,"Okay, guys, eh... If you'll excuse me, I must be going now."
Kyle,Don't fart on your way out; you might make little smoke signals.
Cartman,"Hahah. Very funny, you guys, hahah."
Stan,That sucks that we couldn't give him the nail file.
Kyle,So now what do we do?
Stan,"There's only one thing we can do. We have to go see Token and see if he'll forgive Cartman for hate-criming him. Come on, we're running out of time!"
Romper Stomper,"Well, did you get the cigarettes?"
Cartman,Yes. They are safely concealed in the depths of my ass.
Romper Stomper,Alright. Go sit on the toilet and poop them out. I'll keep an eye out for the guards.
Cartman,"Engh. Egh. Uuuh, stupid cigarettes.  One.  Heh, two.  Come on! Uugh, come on, now! Come on, uuhhhgghh  yeahhh. Hoh. Phew.  Hoh. ...Oh, God-damnit!"
Romper Stomper,You flushed them?!
Cartman,"Well, you spend eight years takin' a crap and then flushin' the toilet; it sorta becomes a reflex! Please, just help me bust out of here."
Romper Stomper,"No way, douche. I told you: I ain't your friend. If you want me to help you, you're gonna have to sneak something else in for me."
Cartman,Son of a bitch!
Kyle,"Dude, I didn't know Token lived so far away."
Stan,"Yeah. You know, they bus in people from different races to our school to promote cultural diversity."
Kyle,Yeah. But isn't Token the only one?
Stan,Yeah.
Linda Black,Hello?
Stan,Hi. Can Token come out and play?
Linda Black,"Well, his head is still a little sore, but you can come in, if you like."
Kyle,Killer.
Stan,"Token, you don't wanna see us guys lose to girls tomorrow, do you?"
Token,No.
Kyle,"Well then,  you've got to call the jail right now and tell them that you forgive Cartman for being a dumbass!"
Token,Yeah.
Steve Black,"I'm afraid it's not that simple, boys."
Stan,It's not?
Steve Black,"No. You see, the only person that can let Eric out of Juvenile Hall is the governor."
Kyle,"Dammit! Son of a bitch, dammit!  Oh, sorry."
Steve Black,"No, I'd, actually agree with you."
Kyle,Huh?
Steve Black,"Yeah. I have a real problem.with hate-crime legislation. In fact, I'd love to see you kids go down and give the governor a piece of my mind."
Stan,"Well, why don't you tell the governor yourself?"
Steve Black,"Oh, he wouldn't listen to me."
Kyle,Why not?
Steve Black,Because I'm black.
"Stan, Kyle",Oh.
Steve Black,"Sit down, boys. I'm gonna give you a little lesson about hate-crime laws."
Cartman,"Oh, thank God! Oh, thank you, Jesus, uh! Hoh.  Here you go, God-damnit!"
Romper Stomper,"Cool! My very own Tic-Tac-Throw game.  Ew, it smells, man."
Cartman,"Well, what the hell do you expect, huh?! Now I got your stupid game; tell me how to break out of here!"
Romper Stomper,"You're not gonna break out of here! You're here 'til you're 21, douche!"
Cartman,But you said-
Romper Stomper,I just wanted you to sneak stuff in for me. What? You actually think I give a crap about you?
Cartman,I thought that-
Romper Stomper,"Hneah. You'd better wise up to the way things work in the big house.  Hey guys! I gots me a new Tic-Tac-Throw  Yeah, it's a little ripe, but it's brand new, man! You can play it at recess.  Hey. Uh, what are you doing?  You... you can't cry in prison, man. They'll bust your head open. What's the matter with you?!"
Cartman,I want my Mo-omm
Romper Stomper,Dude.
Cartman,"Mommy, I want my Mommy!"
Romper Stomper,"Look, if it's that important to you, I'll bust you out of here."
Cartman,You will?
Romper Stomper,"Yeah. ...Yyeah, I will. Uh-but not because you're my friend. Only because... because I wanna bust out, too. Anh-anh, and see Disneyland."
Aide,"Governor, the Free Eric Cartman Now Committee is here to see you?"
Governor,"Naw, not another committee. Send them in.  This is the Free Eric Cartman Now Committee?"
Token,Yeah.
Governor,"Well, boys, what can I do for you?"
Stan,"Okay, go ahead and start."
Kyle,"I don't start, you start."
Stan,"Oh, uhyeah.  Hello, Mr. Governor, and thank you for taking the time to hear our presentation on hate-crime laws, entitled, ""Hate Crime Laws: A Savage Hypocrisy.""  Yes, over the past few years our great country has been developing new hate crime laws."
Token,"If somebody kills somebody, it's a crime. But if someone kills somebody of a different color, it's a hate crime."
Kyle,"And we think that that is  a savage hypocrisy, because all crimes are hate crimes. If a man beats another man because that man was sleeping with his wife, is that not a hate crime?"
Stan,"If a person vandalizes a government building, is it not because of his hate for the government?"
Token,And motivation for a crime shouldn't affect the sentencing.
Stan,"Mayor, it is time to stop splitting people into groups. All hate crimes do is support the idea that blacks are different from whites, that homosexuals need to be treated differently from non-homos, that we aren't the same."
Kyle,"But instead, we should all be treated the same, with the same laws and the same punishments for the same crimes . For in that way Cartman can be freed from prison, and we  will have a chance to win the sledding race on Thursday."
Stan,That is our presentation. An idea that we call...
Token,"""Hate Crime Laws: A Savage Hypocrisy."""
Governor,Hm. That made the most sense of any presentation I've heard in the last three years.
Romper Stomper,Hurry up! They're sending the dogs after us!  Mph. Oowww!
Cartman,What's the matter?
Romper Stomper,It's my leg! I think it's broken.  You go on ahead without me.
Cartman,Uhokay.
Romper Stomper,"Hey.  You're supposed to say, ""I'm not going without you,"" or something."
Cartman,Oh. Really?
Romper Stomper,"Look, kid, you go on. You've got something to live out there. You've got friends."
Cartman,Yeah. I never really realized that until just now.
Romper Stomper,I sure would have liked to have seen Disneyland. Here. I want you to have these.
Cartman,Okay.
Romper Stomper,"No! You're supposed to say, ""I can't take these,"" or something, dumbass!"
Cartman,Oh. I can't take these.
Romper Stomper,Take them. They'll bring you luck.  Now go on. Get out of here.
Cartman,Romper?
Romper Stomper,Yeah?
Cartman,"You... well... I know you don't think you've... ever been anybody's friend, but, well, you're a friend to me."
Guard,"Alright, freeze!"
Cartman,"You'll never take us alive! We're going down together, pigs!"
Guard,But you've been pardoned by the governor!
Cartman,"O ho ho, sweet. Later, dudes."
Girl in Pink,"Well, come on! Are we racing or not?!"
Stan,Just wait. We got Cartman pardoned; he'll be here any second.
Kyle,He's gotta show up. He's just got to.
Girl in Pink,"Come on, my feet are getting cold, fudge packers!"
Bebe,"Yeah. If you're too scared to race, just say so!"
Kyle,"Dude, I guess we've just got to try it without him."
Stan,"Alright, where's Clyde."
Clyde,Right here.
Stan,"Get on the sled, you fat piece of shit!"
Clyde,"For the last time, I'm not fat, so stop calling me fat, God-damnit!"
Kyle,"On the sled, fatass!"
Girl in Pink,"Okay, girls. Time to show the boys what we can do!"
Other girls,Yeah!
Butters,"Huh-okay. Uh-ready, uhset,-"
Cartman,You guys!
Stan,It's Cartman!
Boy Sledders,Hooray!
Cartman,That's right! I'm back!
Clyde,"Oh, thank you! Thank you for coming back!  Thank you so much. Thank you."
Cartman,What the hell's wrong with Clyde?
Girl in Pink,This is your last chance! Are we racing or not?!
Stan,All right! Let's do this!
Butters,Okay. Everybody ready? On your marks.
Cartman,I hope I can adjust to life outside of the big house.
Butters,Uh-get set. Go!
Cartman,"Been on the inside for so long, I don't remember how to live on the outside."
Kyle,"Go, fatass!"
Cartman,"When a man is stripped of his freedom, degraded in the ways that I was, it's-"
"Token, Kyle, Stan","Go, fatass!"
Stan,Come on! We've gotta catch up to them!
Girl in Pink,"We've got' em, girls!"
Kyle,Oh no! The girls are gonna win!
Kids at Finish Line,Go! You can do it! Come on!
Stan,We're not gonna make it!
Cartman,Hey.
Girl in Pink,G'aaaaah!
Bear,Rowr.
Boy Sledders,Hooray!
Stan,We did it!
Girls,Awww.
Kyle,We won! We won!
Butters,"Yeah. Why, we sure-uh gave those skanky bitches what for!"
Boys,Hooray!
Kyle,"It's good to have you back, Cartman."
Stan,"Yeah,. We're never gonna take you ass for granted ever again."
Cartman,"Yeah, and I'm not gonna take my friends for granted ever again."
Pip,"Let's all hear it for Cartman's big, fat ass!  Oh-ff."
Cartman,Do British people count as an ethnicity for hate crimes?
"Stan, Kyle, Butters, Token",Naah.
Cartman,Sweet.
Guard,Hey! Romper Stomper! Get up!  You got a visitor!
Romper Stomper,Eric!
Cartman,"Hey, Romper Stomper."
Romper Stomper,Wow! I've never had a visitor before!
Cartman,"Well, that's not all. I snuck something in for you, too."
Romper Stomper,You did?
Cartman,You know how you told me you always wanted to see Disneyland?
Romper Stomper,Yeah.
Cartman,Yeah! That's the Pirates of the Caribbean. Ugh.
Romper Stomper,Whoa!
Cartman,Hegh. Oh! Here comes Space Mountain-oh-uugh.  Ogh! Wait-
Romper Stomper,"Oh, yeah!"
Cartman,"Uh, what else?  Splash Mountain, that comes now-oh!"
Romper Stomper,"Oh, the monorail!"
Cartman,Mom! MOOOM! Mom!  Seriously! Something wonderful has happened!
Liane,"What is it, snookums?"
Cartman,"Mom, look! The tooth fairy! I put a tooth under my pillow, and she gave me two dollars!  She's only given me a lousy quarter before!"
Liane,Oh my! She must think that you are a very special little muffin.
Cartman,Yeah! This is so tits!
Liane,"Don't say ""tits,"" Eric."
Cartman,"Oh, I mean, this is so cool!"
Liane,"Well, then, now you should take that money and open up a savings account that has compounded daily interest."
Cartman,"Heh, you can compound daily my ass with interest, Mom; I'm goin' to the toy store and buy me a skateboard!"
Liane,"But Eric, I think maybe the tooth fairy wants you to use that money to learn about saving."
Cartman,"Mom, you don't know what the tooth fairy wants me to do with this money, okay? You're not the tooth fairy! I'll see you later!  Aw, man, this is so tits!"
Cartman,"Hey you guys! You're not gonna believe this!  Oh my God, you guys, seriously!  Just wait until you hear this, you guys! I'm rich! I'm totally rich!  Aren't you stoked?!"
Stan,What the hell's wrong with Cartman?!
Kyle,He's fat and he's stupid?
Cartman,Look what the tooth fairy left me last night!
Stan,Two dollars!
Kyle,No way!
Stan,For one tooth?
Cartman,For one tooth.
Stan,"Dude, every time I lost a tooth I only got a quarter."
Kyle,I only got a jar of gefilte fish.
Cartman,"Well, that doesn't matter, because I have an idea that is totally tits."
Kyle,...Totally what?
Cartman,"Look, I don't know why the tooth fairy's being so cool to me. Maybe she's hot for me. I don't know, but if we all chip in with teeth, then I can hide them under my pillow and we could get enough money to buy a  Sega Dreamcast."
"Stan, Kyle, Kenny",Sega Dreamcast??
Cartman,All we need is teeth.
Stan,I already lost all my baby teeth.
Kyle,Me too.
Kenny,(Nuh-uh.)
Kyle,"You still have baby teeth, Kenny?"
Kenny,(No way!)
Cartman,"Kenny, think about it. Don't you want a  Sega Dreamcast?"
Kenny,(No I don't! Thank you.)
Cartman,"Alright! Kenny's in, you guys! Tits!"
Stan,"Okay, the string is tied to Kenny's tooth. You ready over there?"
Kyle,"Almost. You ready, Timmy?"
Timmy,Timmiihh!
Kyle,"When I say ""go,"" you slam your electric wheelchair into high gear. Okay, Timmy?"
Timmy,Timmiihh!
Kyle,Right. You're Timmy.
Timmy,Timmiihh! Lemmeouttaheah!
Kenny,(Why the fuck does it have to be my tooth?)
Cartman,"I'll tell you why it has to be you, Kenny: because your family is poor, and therefore has bad oral hygiene, so your teeth are gonna fall out someday, anyway. If you think about it, you should actually be thanking us.  ""Oh, thank you, guys."" You're welcome, Kenny."
Kenny,(Fuck you!)
Kyle,"Alright! Get ready, Timmy."
Timmy,Timmiihh!
Butters,"Heh-hey guys, uh, wu-what are you doin'?"
Stan,"What does it look like we're doing, Butters? We need a tooth, so we're using Timmy's wheelchair to pull out one of Kenny's."
Butters,"Oh. Heh, I got a loose tooth right here."
"Stan, Cartman",You what?
Kenny,(You what?)
Timmy,Timmih-
Butters,Yyep. Oo-one of mine came out not two hours ago.
Stan,"Uh, Butters, could we have it?"
Butters,"Wwell, heck no! Uh you can't have it. Why, I'm gonna stick it under-my pillow and get money from the tooth fairy. She gives me fifty cents a tooth."
Timmy,Ha-a-ugh.
Butters,"Well, uh, see ya, fellas."
Kyle,"Dude, maybe we don't have to rip a tooth out of Kenny's mouth."
Stan,"Yeah, we just have to get Butters' tooth."
Kenny,(Woohoo!)
Cartman,How are we gonna get it from him?
Stan,I guess we'll have to sneak into his house after he goes to sleep tonight.
Kyle,"Yeah, let's go."
Timmy,"Go! Timmy go!  Yeah, Timmy!"
Kyle,"No, Timmy, wait!"
Timmy,Engh go uh Timmy!
Kenny,"(Hey, guys!)  (Heey-ungh)  (Oowww.)"
Cartman,"Hahahahahaha. Hey, you guys, I can see Kenny's pengling, hahahahahaha."
Timmy,Hu-aah!
Cartman,"Higher, you guys."
Stan,"Jesus Christ, why did we pick the fat guy to lift up in there?"
Cartman,"Agh! Careful, you assholes!  To the left, you guys, left.  No, camera left, camera left!  That's it, now down."
Butters,What the-?  Who's there? Who is that?!
Cartman,"I am the tooth fairy, my child."
Butters,"Hoh. Sorry, Miss Fairy. I didn't mean to gaze at you. I'm back to sleep now, see?"
Cartman,Sure. Now I will leave you tidings under your pillow.
Butters,"Well, oh gosh, I, I didn't think you'd be so fat."
Cartman,Ey!
Kyle,"Come on, fatass!"
Cartman,Do not open your eyes until morning.  Or else I will kick you in the nuts.  Square in the nuts.
Butters,"Yuh, yu-yes ma'am!"
Stan,Well?
Cartman,Bull's eye!
Liane,"Tucky tucky time, it's the best time of the night."
Cartman,"I love that song, Mom. Sing it again."
Liane,"No, honey, Mommy's gotta save her throat. I have to work tonight."
Cartman,Okay.
Liane,"Good night.  What do you have there, Eric?"
Cartman,Another tooth fell out today; I'm leavin' it for the tooth fairy.
Liane,"Oh, my. The tooth fairy will have to give you a big surprise for losing two teeth in two days."
Cartman,"I know, huh?"
Cartman,"You guys! Oh my God, you guys! You're not gonna believe it! It's beyond rational thought, you guys!  Holy crap, you guys! I mean-"
Kyle,Did the tooth fairy come?
Cartman,Four dollars.
Stan,Oh my God!
Kyle,Four dollars?
Kenny,"(Oh, my God!)"
Cartman,Do you what this means?
Stan,Yeah. We just gotta keep finding teeth and putting them under your pillow.
A Dentist,Dentist office.
Liane,"Oh. Eh-hello, Dr. Roberts? It's Ms. Cartman."
Dr. Roberts,"Oh, yes, Ms. Cartman. What can I do for you?"
Liane,"Well, it's my son. He's lost a lot of his baby teeth, and I was starting to get worried."
Dr. Roberts,"Well, losing baby teeth is a natural thing, Ms. Cartman. How many has he lost?"
Liane,About a hundred and twelve.
Dr. Roberts,...A hundred and twelve.
Liane,Yes. Fifteen of them in one night. Perhaps he should switch toothpaste?
Dr. Roberts,"Your son wouldn't happen to be an ""alligator,"" would he? No? Hm, I see. Well, I'm afraid I can't help you right now. The American Dental Association convention is this week, but, as soon as I get back, I'll look into it."
Liane,"O-oh, thank you. Freebie next week."
Dr. Roberts,What?
Cartman,Tih-  Tooth?  What the hell? Mom!
Liane,"Yes, Eric"
Cartman,"You know, the tooth fairy forgot to bring me money last night! Call the police!"
Liane,"Oh. Eric, poopie, sit down.  Mommy has something to tell you. It's just that- well, there is no tooth fairy, Eric. I've been putting all that money under your pillow, and because you got so many teeth fall out, I've actually run out of money and can't go to the grocery store for at least a month."
Cartman,"You almost had me for a second there, Mom, heh. ""There's no tooth fairy."" I suppose you're gonna tell me there's no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Jesus, either, heh, heh...  M- Mom?"
Liane,"I'm sorry, Eric. All children find out sooner or later."
Cartman,Yi- you're serious here. There really is no tooth fairy?
Liane,"No, honey. It's just-"
Cartman,"How could-? How could you lie to me, Mother? Lie right to my face?"
Liane,"Oh, Eric, it's just part of being a child."
Cartman,"How can I trust you?  How can I trust anyone ever again, Mother? I guess, uh to make it through this life, I can only trust myself.  Myself and Willikins Bear, of course."
Liane,"Eric! Eric, wait!"
Cartman,"No, Mother! No more lies!"
Stan,"Dude, where's the money?"
Cartman,There is no money.
Kyle,No more money??
Stan,"What are you talking about, Cartman?! We're only $167 away from gettin' a Sega!"
Cartman,I know!
Kyle,"Cartman, what's going on?!"
Cartman,"You guys...  Oh, God, I don't even know how to tell you this."
Stan,Tell us what?!
Cartman,"You guys, there's... there's no tooth fairy, you guys. There, I said it."
Kyle,"What do you mean, ""there's no tooth fairy?"""
Cartman,"My mom has been giving me the money all this time, and your parents are the ones who left you money."
Stan,Dude.
Kyle,That can't be. My parents wouldn't lie to me.
Cartman,"But now my mom has given us so much money that she's bankrupt, and we're poor, like Kenny.  Don't touch me, Kenny."
Kyle,"You're wrong. If my dad says something is real, then it's real!"
Cartman,"Kyle, open your eyes, man!"
Kyle,It's not true!
Gerald,"Oh, hello, son."
Kyle,"Dad, there is so a tooth fairy, huh?"
Gerald,"What? Oh. Kyle, let's have a little talk."
Kyle,Oh my God! You did lie to me.
Gerald,"No. Kyle, she's just make-believe. Like Peter Pan."
Kyle,"Peter Pan, too??"
Gerald,Kyle...
Kyle,What about Moses and Abraham?
Gerald,"Well, they were probably real."
Kyle,Probably?! Is Atlantis real??
Gerald,Probably not.
Kyle,Wahahahah!
Gerald,"Look, Kyle, adults make up those things because they're fun for children."
Kyle,"Fun for children?! Fun for children?! Look at me, Dad! I don't even know what's real anymore! Weaaaah!"
Cartman,"Man, I can't believe all our parents lied to us about the tooth fairy."
Kyle,What about Dan Rather? Do you think he's real?
Cartman,"No, man, that's just a TV show."
Stan,You guys! You guys! I figured it out!
Cartman,"What? That your parents lied to you, too?"
Stan,"Yeah, but, it's okay! We can still get our Sega Dreamcast!"
Cartman,How?
Stan,"Look, the tooth fairy is all made up, right?"
Kyle,All made up. Not real. Nothing's real.
Stan,"So all we have to do is go to a really rich kid's house, put our tooth under his pillow, wait for his parents to leave him a whole buttload of money, and then sneak back in and take it!"
Kenny,(Woohoo!)
Stan,The kid will never even know.
Cartman,"Oh, dude, that is tits! I mean, that is big fat Oprah tits right there!"
Kyle,"Oh my God, what if I'm not real?"
Stan,We can take the bus to the city. There's super-rich people down there!
Cartman,Yeah.
Kyle,"I mean, what if I'm just part of my parents' reality?"
Stan,"Come on, Kyle!"
Kyle,What if this is all just somebody's dream?
Cartman,"Wow, look at the size of these houses!"
Stan,"Totally, dude. Cherry Creek is the richest part of Denver. I'll bet these kids get at least ten bucks a tooth from the  ""Tooth Fairy."""
Cartman,"Hey,  that house looks perfect. There's obviously kids living there."
Stan,"There. You can tell this is the kid's window 'cause it's got Mega Man stickers on it. Cartman, once you're in the kid's room, leave the tooth under the pillow, then come back out. We'll wait for the parents to see it and leave money, then swing you back in the house to grab it."
Cartman,Got it.
Stan,This is the smartest business venture ever.
Cartman,What the-?
Stan,"Hey, what the hell are you guys doing?!"
Boy 1,"We're gonna sneak a tooth under this rich kid's pillow, then come back and collect the tooth fairy money that his parents leave him."
Stan,"...Hey, you can't do that!"
Boy 2,Why not?!
Stan,Because that's what we're doing!
Cartman,Yeah! You ripped off our idea!
Boy 2,What the hell are you talking about?! We've been doing this for over two years!
Kyle,Two years?
Blond,Nice tooth fairy costume. You think anybody'd believe you in that?!
Cartman,It's better than your dress! You look like a bad Jennifer Lopez nightmare!
Blond,How dare you!
Boy 1,"Look, this is our turf! You'd better scram before the Boss breaks your legs!"
Stan,You scram! We were here first!
Rich kid,What's going on?  Oh! It's the tooth fairies!
Boy 2,"Oh, nice going! Now you woke him up!"
Stan,You woke him up!
Rich kid,"I don't have any loose teeth, Miss Fairies but I have been a very good boy."
All,Shut up!
Boy 1,"Alright, that does it! Come on, we're going to see the Boss!"
Stan,Who's the Boss?
Boy 1,Loogie.
Loogie,My associates here tell me you were working Cherry Creek tonight. Is that true?
Stan,"Uuh, yeah."
Boy 1,"Right on our turf, Boss! I ain't ever seen that kind of disre-  Erp."
Cartman,We were there first!
Loogie,"Kids have been doing the tooth fairy racket in this town for years.  I do it just like my big brother before me, and my oldest brother before that."
Stan,Damnit! And we thought we were so original!
Loogie,Let me ask you something: You were gonna sneak a tooth under this rich kid's pillow? Then what?
Stan,"Well, uh-what do you mean?"
Loogie,How are the kid's parents gonna know there was a tooth under their child's pillow?
Boy 1,Ha! You guys don't even know how the tooth trade works!
Stan,"What's a ""tooth trade?"""
Loogie,"Look, any shmuck can sneak through a window wearing a pretty dress. The tooth racket is much more involved.  We keep careful track of what houses we've hit so that we don't hit the same one twice in less than two months.  Inside the house we not only have to sneak a tooth under the pillow, but leave a note for Mom and Dad to see.  This is how we let the parents know to leave money under the pillow.  Once the note is in place in the last house, we start all over, going back to the first house. But this time, all we have to do is collect money.  And the kids never know what hit 'em."
The South Park boys,Wow!
Loogie,"The hardest part is getting teeth. We tried various places. Cemeteries , hockey games , anywhere we can find them"
Beat-up Boy,Nooo!
Loogie,"The teeth we do manage to acquire are then sorted according to size, color, and quality.  But there's never enough teeth. Never enough."
Stan,Amazing.
Cartman,"Man, that is tits!"
Loogie,"And now my only problem is, what do I do with you?"
Boy 1,Rowwr!
Loogie,Tell you what: how would you like to run the South Park tooth racket for me?
Stan,Oh. Uh-I don't know.
Loogie,"It's that, or else I can cut off your penises."
Cartman,"Hm. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Hm's see..."
Kyle,Cartman!
Stan,How much do we get if we work for you?
Loogie,I'll cut you in at 2%.
Cartman,"Two percent, have my penis cut off.  Two percent-"
Stan,We're in!
Dr. Roberts,"Fellow dentists: As you all know, we are still having numerous reports of missing teeth from all over the country. There are also reports of missing tooth fairy money. We believe that there can be only one logical reason for all of this.  A giant half-chicken/half-squirrel  that steals either teeth or money from children as they sleep in order to build some kind of giant nest  for its genetically superior and potentially dangerous offspring! We believe also that this creature would have at least a mild understanding of algebra , and that it-"
Dentist,"Uh, excuse me? I think I have a more logical theory."
Dr. Roberts,"...Yeah. Weh well, by all means, Mr. Foley, enlighten us!"
Mr. Foley,I think what we've got here is some kind of black-market tooth racket. Something where one group is stealing the money and teeth from another group for a profit.
Dr. Roberts,"Oh, Mr. Foley, you realize how ridiculous that sounds."
Mr. Foley,It's not ridiculous. It's very possible. I've seen it happen before.
Dr. Roberts,Where?!
Mr. Foley,In Montreal.
Dr. Roberts,"And where, pray, is this ""Montreal""?!"
Mr. Foley,"Look, I know how to handle this. All we have to do is bring down the kingpin and the rest will fall. You'll see! I'll have it taken care of in a matter of weeks!"
Dr. Roberts,"Uhyub-dub very well, Mr. Foley, you go on your wild goosechase and meanwhile, we'll deal with the real problems at hand."
Mr. Foley,"Well, I will!"
Dr. Roberts,"Anyway, the half-chicken/half-squirrel would most likely be about three to four-and-a-half feet tall. His large beak is probably detachable, and works as a flotation device."
Boy,"Here! Here, over here, look! Look what I got- I got from the chef!"
Chef,"Hello there, children."
The Boys,"Hey, Chef."
Stan,We all want double-desserts today!
Chef,"Oh. Well, uh, I'm afraid that the school charges extra for that."
Cartman,"Yeah? Well, that ain't nothin' but a thang."
Chef,Oh my God! There has got to be at least fifteen dollars here!
Cartman,"That's right. Keep the change, my man."
Chef,"Well! Look at you cute little crackers! With your money and your fancy clothes and your cell phones, it's almost like you were-  Oh my God, children! What have I told you about drugs?!"
The Boys,"That there's a time and a place for everything, and it's called ""college."""
Chef,That's right. And the only thing worse than doin' drugs is dealin' drugs! I'm gonna tell you about when I was your age and got offered drugs.
Little Chef,"Ooo, come on, now."
Kid 1,"Hey, kid. You wanna try some dope?"
Girl,What?
Kid 1,"Come on, kid. Don't you wanna get high?"
Little Chef,"Hey, man, I don't need dope. Let me sing you a little song:I can't wait until I grow upand my weenie get big and strong'Cause when it does I'm gonna bustAnd make love to you Amanda all night longI'm gonna make love to y'Amanda in about ten years!"
Kid 3,What?
Kid 2,What the hell is he talking about?
Little Chef,"And that toothpick is gonna turn into an oak tree,..."
Stan,"U-uh, Chef."
Little Chef,"I'ma knock ya down, knock ya up,..."
Stan,Chef!
Little Chef,"...knock ya over, an' knock ya all around."
Stan,CHEF!
Chef,Uh?
Stan,We're not dealing drugs!
Chef,You're not?
Stan,No!
Chef,"Oh, uh weh-ell, children, whatever you're doin', just remember this: havin' money may seem fun, but...  Ooh, uh-oh, never mind."
The Boys,"Thanks, Chef."
Kyle,See ya.
Chef,"Damn, that little Amanda was fine! I'm gonna look her up."
Stan,"Dude, having this much money is great! Working for Loogie rules!"
Cartman,"Yeah, but you know, why do we need Loogie? We know how the trade works: why don't we do it ourselves and keep all the profit?"
Stan,"We can't do that, dude. Loogie will kick our asses."
Cartman,"Oh, what the hell is that little Pollack gonna do, huh? Come on, you guys. I say we create our own mob crime family!"
Kyle,"Dude, this book says there could be infinite alternate realities to every reality."
Cartman,"Sure, Kyle."
Loogie,"They're what?! They're not gonna pay me? Who the hell do they think they are? I want those South Park kids dead! I want their families dead! I want their houses burned to the ground!  Oh, hi there, Mister. My mommy and daddy are out front, if you need 'em."
Mr. Foley,"Let's cut the crap, kid. My name is Tom Foley. I'm with the American Dental Association."
Loogie,"Sit down, Mr. Foley. Do you want some spaghetti?"
Mr. Foley,"No thanks, I just brushed. I just wanted to let you know that I'm onto you."
Loogie,I told the ADA a thousand times: I know nothing about teeth. I'm just an 8-year-old boy who likes climbing trees and playing in puddles.
Mr. Foley,I am going to find out who the boss is! And when I do I'm gonna bust his ass and everyone's ass who helped hide his ass!
Cartman,"So, you've brought me 400 lbs. of teeth from China."
Odd Boy,"That's right, yeah  . It's all top-grade stuff, too.These Chinese kids are selling their teeth for peanuts, see?"
Cartman,How much?
Odd Boy,"Well, huh, Tang Li wants 30, but, but I can cut you a deal for 28, yeh ha, buh. Heh, ha-buh, what do you say, huh?"
Cartman,"Can I ask you a question, Weasel?"
Weasel,"Awuh, hawuh, why, sure, sure."
Cartman,Do you think I'm an idiot?
Weasel,Huh?
Cartman,"These are cat teeth, you sonofabitch! You trying to sell me 400 lbs. of cat teeth?!  Get out of my sight!  Lousy little scum!  What?!"
Boy 2,"This is your last chance, kid! Either you give the boss his cut, or else we're gonna throw your pal into the river wearing concrete galoshes!"
Cartman,I ain't giving you crap! Kenny's not afraid of you!
Kyle,"Oh my God, this book says that negative and positive are the same thing; that real and not real are one."
Boy 2,He's not gonna do it?!
Kenny,(He's not gonna do it?!)
Boy 2,"He's not gonna do it, boss!"
Loogie,"Well then, throw him in."
Boy 1,"Alright, kid. Time to die."
Kenny,(No! Nono! No! Don't do this! Nononooo!)
Boy 2,"Oh, man, how deep is the Platte River?"
Anchor,"...to which Ms. Clinton replied, ""I don't even like Vagina."" Finally tonight, a human-interest story. Dan Akawa is live."
Dan Akawa,"Thanks, Tom. I'm here at the house of little Billy Circlovich, um. Billy is in desperate need of a bone-marrow transplant  or he will most certainly die.  Billy, how much more money do you need for the transplant?"
Billy,"Sih, six hundred dollar-."
Dan Akawa,"Louder, Billy, we can't hear ya!"
Billy,Duh six hundred dohollars.
Dan Akawa,"Well, that's a lot of money.How the hell are you gonna get all that in the short amount of time you have left?"
Billy,"Well, I a-I don't know."
Dan Akawa,"Well, Billy, I also understand that you lost a tooth today."
Billy,Yehahah.
Dan Akawa,"Billy, we want you to put that tooth under your pillow tonight, because we have a feeling that the tooth fairy  is going to leave you six hundred dollars for it!"
Billy,Really?
Mr. Circlovich,Really?
Dan Akawa,"Yes, really.  Six hundred dollars. I might also mention that Billy lives in Crestview Apartments, just off Arapaho Road on Emporia Street. Back to you, Tom.  How was that?"
Mr. Foley,Perfect. The trap is set.
Cameraman,"Naw, come on. D'ya really think anyone will fall for somethin' that stupid?"
Cartman,"Six hundred dollars, you guys! Come on, get your stuff together!  This is gonna be tits!"
Kyle,"Dude, this book says I don't exist unless I think I do. But what if I don't?"
Cartman,Will somebody take those books away from him?
"Mrs, Circlovich","Be sure to put your loose tooth under your pillow, Billy."
Billy,"Okay-y, Mom."
Mr. Foley,"Thank you for helping out, gentlemen.  If this sting operation works, some bogus tooth fairies should be showing up to take the sick kid's money. When they touch the kid's pillow, an alarm will sound, and that's when you hit the button, Murphy, and activate the lights. Everybody got it?"
Dentists,Got it.
Murphy,"Duuuh, which button do I hit again, boss?  Just kidding. You know how there's always the dumb guy in sting operations in the movies? I was, you know I was actin', I was actin' like him, eheh, oh."
Cartman,"Hurry up, you guys. We've gotta get that sick kid's tooth fairy money before Loogie does."
Kyle,"I can't deal with it, Stan. I mean, all the stuff I've been reading; I really don't think I exist!"
Stan,"Dude, just stop thinking about it."
Kyle,"But I can't, because, what if thinking about it is the only thing keeping my space-time together?"
Kenny,"(You guys! You guys, over here! ...Hey!)"
Kyle,"Sometimes I think I can see time slowing down,  and my own existence fading."
Billy,"G'night, Mom. G'night, Dad."
Mr. Foley,"Alright. Everyone, keep your eyes peeled."
Billy,"I'm going to bed now, Mommy. I put my tooth under the pillow. Do you really think the tooth fairy will give me money for the transplant?"
Mr. Circlovich,"I think so, Billy. I think so."
Billy,"Well, I can't wait to feel healthy and strong again."
Cartman,"Yeah, well, you're gonna have to wait a little bit longer, Billy, 'cause that 600 bucks is mine!"
Kyle,"Light is a wave unless it's observed? That means all matter is just a wave.  Nothing's real! Reality in a nuh- Oh God, it's happening!"
Stan,Kyle?
Murphy,Eh something strange is happening with the computers.
Loogie,"Well, well, well. What do we have here?"
Stan,"Aw, shit."
Loogie,"Did you bastards really think you could hide from me forever? Kolovski , put this buttwipe out of his misery."
Cartman,I got it!
Billy,The tooth fairy!
Mr. Foley,Let's move out!
Loogie,"Aw, drat!"
Mr. Foley,"Give it up, kids. You're surrounded by dentists."
Loogie,It was a trap!
Mr. Foley,That's right. And now it's all exposed! You're through! The only thing left to do is to haul all you kids down to prison!
A voice,"This is reality! I am everywhere , and nowhere."
Mr. Foley,What the hell?
Cartman,Kyle?
Kyle,"I am nothing, and everything."
Dr. Roberts,"Well, I told you!"
Mr. Foley,Let's get outta here!
Kyle,Hunh. That was pretty weird.
Loogie,Jesus! The little sick kid was a setup all along!  How could I be so stupid?!
Stan,What?
Loogie,I can't believe I fell for such an obvious trap! What the hell is wrong with me?!
Cartman,"Weh-well, uh, du-don't take it too hard, dude, uh. That's what grown-ups do.They lie. Lie right to your face."
Loogie,Oh well. Maybe it's good my empire has fallen.
Stan,Really?
Loogie,Yeah. I kinda wanted to play in the flag football team this year anyways.
Stan,So you're not gonna hurt us or nothin'?
Loogie,"Naah. In a way, I'm just glad the whole thing's over with."
Kyle,"Yeah. But you know, I've learned something today. You see, the basis of all reasoning is the mind's awareness of itself. What we think, the external objects we perceive, are all like actors that come on and off stage. But our consciousness, the stage itself, is always present to us."
Cartman,...Tits.
Timmy,Timmy!
Randy,"Okay, is everyone ready to go?"
Sheila,"Oh, I'm so excited. I've always wanted to see Cirque du Cheville."
Sharon,"Me too. We were lucky to get tickets.  Come on, boys! We're gonna be late."
Liane,"Oh, don't they look precious?"
Stan,"Why do we have to dress up? Isn't this just a circus, with elephants and lions and stupid clowns"
Sharon,"No, Stanley. Cirque du Cheville is French-Canadian. They get acrobats and singers from all over the world and then do very artistic things.."
Kyle,Awwww!
Grandpa,Why the hell do you wanna take these boys to see that fufu French theater crap? You're gonna turn them into poofders!
Sharon,"Dad, Stanley needs to see the arts!"
Grandpa,"Well, he doesn't need to see a bunch of frogs prance around in tights and make-up wrappin' their peckers around each others' faces!"
Sharon,"Come on, everybody, let's go."
Grandpa,"Close your eyes and cover your ears, Billy! Remember, you're a man."
Sheila,"Oh, this is so exciting"
Sharon,"Oh, look at the funny clown, Stanley."
Stan,"Where?  Oh, no.  Ha ha, very funny, thank you, goodbye.  No, thank you.  Go away, please."
Cartman,"He doesn't want your dumbass umbrella, clown! Beat it!  Ow."
Randy,"You didn't know that was gonna happen, did you, Stanley?"
Cartman,"Oh, God, that was soo funny! Oh, man, somebody stop my guts frm bursting out of my sides!"
Announcer,"Ladies and gentlemen, please, no smoking and no flash-photography during Sarque du Son Bleu"
Cartman,"Sarque du Son Bleu.  Oho, we've reached fag factor 5, captain."
Liane,"Eric, sshhhh."
Kyle,How long does this thing last?
Stan,Two hours.
"Cartman, Kyle, Kenny",Awwwgh.
Sharon,"Ooo, these are the contorting quintuplets from Romania."
Kenny,(Woohoo!)
Cartman,Wha-what? Another gay guy in feathers?
Kyle,Whoa.
Stan,"Damn, dude."
"Stan, Kyle, Cartman",Yayy!
Kenny,(Oh yeah! Woohoo!)
Sheila,"Oh, that was wonderful!"
Sharon,"Yes. Too bad it was their last show, or I'd go see it again."
Kyle,Those contorting Romanian chicks rule.
Cartman,"Yeah, especially that second one from the left. She was fine!"
Kyle,"Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?! They're identical!"
Cartman,Not that second one from the left; she had it goin' on!
Clown,"Don't forget to buy your souvenirs, folks."
Stan,"Damn, dude, do you see how much money this place is raking in?"
Cartman,"Yeah. I could prance around in little tights and sing opera too, for that kind of cash."
Kyle,"Hey, we should start our own Cirque du Cheville."
Kenny,(Yeah.)
Stan,"Yeah. This one's moving out of town, so we could take over."
Kyle,Let's go practice.
Grandmama,"Hurry up, girls. We must bundle up against the cold."
A Quint,"Did we do good final show, Grandmama?"
Grandmama,"Very good, my girls. I only wish it weren't your last show. I love this country so very much."
Romanian official,"Mrs. Vladchick, it is time. It is time to return to Romania."
Grandmama,"Yes, yes, of course. Just give me vone second to finish getting them ready.  This way, girls. Quickly."
Quint #2,"Vhy are we going out the window, Grandmama?"
Grandmama,Your mother did not want you to grow up in Romania. This is our only chance.
Romanian official,Nid kelmin da bushka.
Attendant,Nid kelmin da lushka velt
Romanian official,Nid kelmin da bushka ayn zolt!
Attendant,M-Mrs. Vladchick?
Romanian official,Dash fam da bushka!
Attendant,They're trying to defect!
Romanian official,Cauch! We need a boat.
Native paddler in vest,"Where to, Mack?"
Romanian official,Follow that boat.
Stan,"Dude, this isn't working."
Kyle,It's Kenny's singing!
Kenny,(Hunh?)
Cartman,"Yeah, Kenny, you have to sing better!"
Kenny,(I'm singing as good as I can!)
Stan,"Well, it's not good enough, Kenny! You have to get better! Try it again!"
Grandpa,"Aha, I knew it. They turned you into poofders."
Romanian Official,"There's nowhere to go, Mrs. Vladchick. Pull over!"
Grandmama,"Okay girls, the Cam Ay Alta."
Romanian Official,"Be careful, Gabul! Be careful, Gabul! Yaaah!"
Top Girl,"Did we do good, Grandmama?"
Grandmama,"Very good, Glacas."
Stan,"I'm tired, Grandpa."
Grandpa,"No, Billy! You're gonna stay here and watch more McGyver. We've gotta get all the Frenchy-poo fag-nasties out of ya.  Who the hell would be ringin' the doorbell at this time of night?"
Stan,I don't know.  Whoa.
Grandmama,We are very sorry to disturb you. My granddaughters are cold and tired. Is there any possibility we could pay you for a place to sleep?
Randy,You're from Cirque du Cheville.
Grandmama,Yes. We- missed our train. If we could shelter here; it would only be for one night.
Randy,Well...
Sharon,"Well, of course you can. Come in out of the snow."
Grandmama,"Oh, thank you so much."
Sharon,"There's some spare bedrooms upstairs, Mrs....?"
Grandmama,Vladchick.
Grandpa,That Grandma is not a bad piece of ass.
Randy,"Ew, Dad! Not in front of Stanley!"
Grandpa,"Well, it's good for 'im."
Kenny,"(Let's see... No, not there)  (Let's see. Nothing there)  (Let's see... here!)"
Narrator,"Hello, and welcome to: ""Singing like Bocelli for Dummies."" Lesson 1: Yaaayayeha!"
Kenny,(Yaaayaya.)
Narrator,Lesson 2: Hehyayaya hehyayaya!
Kenny,(Hehyayaya hehyayaya!)
Narrator,"Good: And now we'll do the entire piece, ""Con Te Partirт"""
Kenny,"(Con Te Partirт?) (...Su navi per mariche, io lo so,no, no, non esistono piщ.con te io li rivivrт. 'Con te...)"
Kenny,(...partirт.)
Grandpa,"Got everything you need there, do ya?"
Kenny,(Su navi per mari)
Grandmama,Yes. You're avefully soo kind to my little granddaughters.
Kenny,"(che, io lo so,)"
Grandpa,"They're quite agile little things, aren't they?"
Kenny,"(no, no, non esistono piщ.)"
Grandmama,"Yes, as I was back in my day. I was a contortionist, too."
Kenny,(con te io li rivivrт.)
Grandpa,Y'don't say.
Grandmama,Yes.
Grandpa,You...
Kenny,(Con te...)
Grandpa,"...remember any of that stuff, do ya?"
Kenny,"(...partirт.Su navi per mariche, io lo so,no, no, non esistono piщ.)'(Io con te...!)"
Grandpa,Ah.  Oh.  Ah!  Oh.  Oh-oooh-oooh!
Narrator,And now lesson 4: the complete works of Mozart. Let's begin.
Kenny,(Damn!)
Sharon,"What should we do, Randy? I like these Romanians fine, but I hope that old woman isn't planning on staying here much longer."
Randy,"Heh, it's 11 o'clock and she's still sleeping."
Sharon,Poor dear must be tired.
Grandpa,You're damn right she's tired.
Randy,Huh?
Grandpa,"Oh, nothin'. She's just gonna have a little trouble walkin' today is all. ."
Stan,"Hurry up, you guys!"
Cartman,What's going on?
Stan,"Dude, you're not gonna believe this."
Kyle,What?!
Quint 1,Hello.
Quint 2,Hello.
Quint 3,Hi.
Quint 4,Hello.
Cartman,No way! The bitches from Cirque du Chebleu!
Stan,Yeah. They're quintuplets from Romania.
Kyle,"What's a ""quin-tuplet""?"
Quint 2,"Ve are twins, except there are five of us instead of two."
Kyle,But there's only four of you.
Quint 2,"No no, Natalia is just playing mirror buddies with Nadia."
Nadia,Hello.
Kyle,"So if you're identical, does that mean you all think alike?"
All five quints in unison,"No, don't be ridiculous."
Stan,Will you guys be in our Cirque du Celville?
A Quint,You have your own?
Stan,"Well, not yet. Kenny has to get better at singing first."
Kenny,(Hey!)
Cartman,"But as soon as he starts singing better, we're all gonna make bank!"
Quint 1,Okay.
Quint 3,Sounds good.
Quint 2,Count me in.
Quint 5,Okay.
Quint 4,"...Oh, and me."
The boys,All right!
Randy,"Alright, we've gotta figure out what to do. I'm gonna go wake her up.  Hello? Mrs.... Mrs., Old Romanian Woman?  Ma'am?"
Grandpa,"Well, all tuckered, is she? Ha ha ha ha."
Randy,"No, Dad."
Grandpa,A little cottony in the crotch? Hr hr hr hr.
Randy,"No, Dad, she's dead!"
Grandpa,"What?!  Oh, dear Jesus!"
Randy,It looks like she had a heart attack.
Grandpa,No wonder she didn't say good-night.
Randy,...Ew!
Stan,"Okay, hold it, hold it."
The boys,Ow!
Sharon,I don't know how to tell. You tell them.
Randy,"Uh, girls, we... have some bad news."
Quint 5,What?
Randy,"Um...  Everyone who has a grandma, step forward.  Uh, not so fast, girls."
Sharon,Randy!
Quint 2,Grandmama is dead?
Quint 1,What are we going to do now?
Cartman,"You guys, come here.  This is totally awesome."
Stan,What?!
Kyle,How can you say that?
Cartman,"Because now we can convince them to stay here, and now our circus will kick ass!"
Kyle,"Oh, yeah!"
Stan,Mom! Dad! Can the quints stay with us? Please? Can they?
Randy,"Well, Stan, it's not really our-"
Stan,They have nowhere else to go.  Please?
Sharon,"Well, for the time being I, I mean, of course they can stay."
"Stan, Kyle",Hooray!
Cartman,Hooray!
Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing at the home in South Park where five precious little girls have been rescued from Romania. Their mother passes away some months ago, and then their grandmother died trying to bring them here. But all is well now, and people are coming from all over the country to view the little tykes.  If you'd like to come down and visit the quintuplets, admission is only $5, and for a few dollars more , you can feed them fishsticks."
A Quint,Mmm.
Reporter,"Tom, it looks like these cute little girls have made it out of that armpit of a country they call Romania."
Reporter,"Yes, luckily for them, these quintuplets no longer have to live in Romania, the asshole of the world.  Back to you, Tom."
President,This is not good. It makes our country look poor and stupid.
Romanian Official,This could kill our tourism.
President,You know what to do.
Instructor,"Alright, Kenny, let's start with some warm-up exercises."
Kenny,(Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha)
Mrs.McCormick,"Well, what do you think? Can you help him become a better singer?"
Instructor,"Well, he's got potential. Depends on how good he wants to be."
Kenny,(I wanna be really good)
Instructor,"Well, if you wanna be a real singer, you need to go to a conservatory in Europe. There's no other alternative."
Kenny,(Europe?)
Mrs.McCormick,We can't afford that.
Instructor,"Well, then, I'm afraid your son will always be a hack."
Kenny,(Awww.)
Mrs.McCormick,"Well, Kenny, if it means that much to you, maybe we can bus it to Europe and... you can sing on the way to make money."
Kenny,(Yeah.)
Sharon,"Randy, Randy, you'd better have look at this."
Randy,What?
Anchor Tom,"...until the U.S. government receives this video, which was sent from Romania just hours ago."
Man,Hello. This is Romanian father. I am desperate to have my girls returned to me in Romania.
Randy,Uh-oh.
Stan,That's your dad?
Quint 2,Maybe.
Quint 1,But we haven't seen papa for more than five years.
Man,How I've missed them all. Little Nahlal.
Voice,Nadia!
Man,"Nadia, my sweet Barshta"
Voice,Baltania!
Man,"Baltania, eh anyway, my heart is aching for their return. I, I know the American government will do what's right."
Kyle,"Hoh no, dude. If they get sent back to Romania, we'll never get our Cirque dei Ceville going."
Stan,"Mom, Dad, you're not gonna send them back, are you??"
Sharon,"Well, I... think we... have to,... don't we?"
Randy,I don't know.
Kyle,"You don't wanna go back to stinky Romania, do you? It sucks there."
Cartman,Yeah. America is sooo much cooler. In Romania they just oppress you and try to bring you down.
Sharon,We'll have to call the police and see what they want us to do.
Cartman,"Damn, we might be screwed."
Stan,No! We've just gotta convince these chicks that America kicks the ass out of every other country. Come on!
Cartman,"You see, in America we have... log rides!  Bacon double-cheeseburgers!  Sheep-shearing contests!"
A fan,Yeah. Woo hoohoohoo. Yeah.
Cartman,And shopping malls! Hooray!
Kenny,(Woo hoo!)
Romanian Official,"Mrs. Janet Reno, you must understand, the father has right to his children."
Janet Reno,"Yes, but the girls seem to wanna stay here. Why don't you all stay here in America, and this whole thing can go away."
Mr. Vladchick,Okay.  Heh!
Romanian Official,Our home is Romania. We love it there.
Mr. Vladchick,"Ah, yes, uwuh we love it there."
Romanian Official,"If daughters will not return on their own, you must force them to return"
Janet Reno,"Gentlemen, this has to be handled very delicately. You don't understand Americans' power to protest."
Romanian Official,Protest?
Janet Reno,"Look, people have it so good in America that they get bored very easily. And when people get bored they start protesting things."
All three men,Oh.
Janet Reno,"But I want to assure you, and the Romanian people, that we are going to do everything in our power to make this as confusing as possible."
Protesters,Let the quints stay! Romania is gay! Let the quints stay! Romania is gay!
Stephen Stotch,"Fur is murder! Fur is murder!  Oh, what are we protesting here?"
A Protester,Romania sucks!
Stephen Stotch,"Oh, let's see  Here we go. Romania sucks!"
Protesters,Romania sucks! Romania sucks!
Sharon,Oh my God! I didn't know this was going to become such a big deal.
Randy,That'll teach us for taking an old lady and her granddaughters out of the cold.
Lead Agent Collins,"Attention, people inside the house!  You must return the quintuplets to their father! You have until...  Oh yeah, that's good.  You have until Easter Sunday to comply."
Protester,Nooo!
Protesters,Boooo!
Collins,What?!
Stan,"Okay, let's try it again. Hup!"
A Quint,Hup!
Kyle,Alright!
Randy,"Stan, we-"
Sharon,"Stanley, we have some bad news. The courts have decided the girls must go back to Romania."
Stan,"No, they can't! We've convinced them that they want to stay in America."
Kyle,"Yeah, we've shown them amusement parks and malls. How can you expect them to go back now??"
Randy,"I'm sorry, boys, but Janet Reno is having them taken away on Easter Sunday. We... don't have a choice. Sorry, girls."
Stan,Now what do we do?
Reporter,"Tom, it is now Easter morning, and as the U.S. government promised, they are here to take the girls back to their father in Romania. Rumor has it that Janet Reno herself will be extraditing the quintuplets."
Soldier,"Alright, Ms. Reno, let's go over the plan."
Janet Reno,Right.
Soldier,"We'll drop you on the northwest corner of the backyard. You hop into the back of the house and find the quintuplets. When you see them, you say..."
Janet Reno,"""Hello, girls. I'm the Easter bunny."""
Soldier,Good. And then hand them the Easter eggs filled with tear gas. Are you ready?
Janet Reno,Ready.
Soldier,Code blue!
Janet Reno,Code blue!
Music Instructor,"Lad, we would like very much to have you here at the Romanian Music School."
Kenny,(Woohoo!)
Mrs. McCormick,How much is all this gonna cost?
Music Instructor,"Don't worry, Ms. McCormick, Romania is very poor country. Apartment is cheap. Food is cheap, Everything is cheap because we are so God-damned poor."
Assistant,"Yes, your two hundred American dollars will last months here."
Mrs. McCormick,"Wow, what a great country. Everybody's poor, like us."
Kenny,(Yeah.)
Janet Reno,"Hello, girls. I'm the Easter bunny.  Happy Easter, kids. Come see what I brought for ya."
Phillip,"Hey, Terrance, I think I have to fart."
Terrance,"Wait. Before you do, pull my thumb."
Quint 2,"Oh, look. An Easter egg."
Randy,"Oh, shi-"
Lead Soldier,"That's it. Let's move, move move move, move!  Give us the kids, now! Now!"
Officer 1,Down on the floor. Get down on the God-damned floor!
Officer 2,Find them!
Janet Reno,This is a bust! Hand over the quints!  Hand over the children! Happy Easter. Hand over the children!!
Grandpa,What the hell's goin' on?!
Officer 3,"Freeze, asshole!"
Grandpa,"Aw, go ahead and shoot me! I dare ya!"
Officer 3,"Don't push me, man!"
Grandpa,"Pull the trigger, you little pussy!"
Officer 3,Gaahhh!
Officer 4,Gun! Gun!
Janet Reno,Down! Down!
Protester,Riot! Riot!
Officer 5,Pepper spray! Pepper spray!
Officer 6,Go ahead! In the van!
Stan,"Dammit, now I'm never gonna have my own circus!"
Music Instructor,"Oh, your son is so talented, Ms. McCormick. The people of Romania love him."
Mrs. McCormick,"Good job, Kenny."
Music Instructor,"Mrs. McCormick, we would love for you and your son to stay here in Romania, with us. Will you consider it?"
Mrs. McCormick,"Well, what do you think, Kenny? You'd have to leave your friends and your family behind."
Kenny,(Sure!)
Music Instructor,Alright!
Sharon,"Oh, Randy, it's gone! It's all gone!"
Cartman,"Dude, what the hell happened?"
Stan,The government came and got the quintuplets. No more Cirque du Cheville for us.
Kyle,"Damnit! How come every time we get a sweet idea, the government has to screw it up?!"
Stan,"Yeah! Well, not this time!"
Cartman,Huh?
Stan,"We've just gotta get that angry mob back on our side!  Alright, everybody, listen up! Those bastards broke in here and took those poor quintuplets to the mayor's office downtown! But they haven't won yet! I say we all go over to the mayor's office, and demand to see the quintuplets right now!"
Protester 1,Hmm.
Protester 2,Yeaahh.
Protester 3,I don't know. I usually like to stop protesting by 5:30.
Protester 4,"Yeah, ah, do we get overtime for this?"
Stan,"Uh, sure, you can all get overtime."
Protester 5,Alright!
Protester 6,Yeah!
Protester 7,Down with Japan!
Janet Reno,Alright. We just need to get a few more pictures of the girls reunited with their father so everyone knows they're happy.
Photographer,"Come on, girls. Smile.  We want you to look happy. Smile.  Look at the silly frog. Who's got the silly frog? Look at him. I've got- Look at him. It's so silly. ""I'm so silly."""
Stuart,"Ah, hello? This is Kenny's dad, back in America. I miss my son very much. I would like to see him returned to me so that the U.S. government will buy me a new car and-  Ow! I mean, bec- because I miss my son very much.  Man."
Stan,Hey! We wanna see the quintuplets!
Soldier,"You can't see them, boys. They're happily reunited with their father."
Stan,"Come on, angry mob!"
Soldier,Aaa-a-a-aaa-ah.
Romanian Official,"Alright, it is time for us to return to Romania."
Janet Reno,What is that?
Officer 7,It's the protesters. They're back.
Janet Reno,God-damnit!  We'll take care of them. Come on!
Officer 8,Let's move. Move!
Officer 7,"Come on, come on, come on."
Officer 9,"Come oonn, come oonn."
Officer 10,This is government property!
Protester,Let the quints stay!
Sharon,You ruined my house!
Quint 1,"What are you doing, Nadia?"
Nadia,I'm calling the only person in the vorld who can help us.
Cartman,Take that!
Quint 3,Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Quint 1,All of you are acting like idiots!
Stan,Yeah.
Quint 1,None of you care about us. You only care about yourselves!
Quint 2,"Look at you, Father. You walked out on us five years ago , and now you act like you miss us sooo much! You are a liar and a fake!"
Cartman,"Yeah, you suck, dude!"
Quint 3,"And you Romanian leaders , you don't care about us! All you care about is making America look stupid!"
Cartman,"Yeah! God, you guys are dicks!"
Quint 3,And you protesters! Don't you have anything better to do?! Get a life!
Cartman,Yeah!
Quint 3,And you boys are the worst of all!
"Stan, Kyle, Cartman",Huh?
Quint 3,"You know nothing about Romania, and yet you assume America is so much better! Maybe Romania isn't as nice as America, but it is our home! We are Romanian! All you care about is your own stupid circus!"
Janet Reno,"Where are you going, girls?"
Quint 1,The only place we can go. We're going on Oprah and then a book tour.
Quint 5,Yes. You can all kiss our little white Romanian asses!
Stan,"Oh, well. Doing our own circus was a dumb idea anyways."
Cartman,"Yeah, screw them!"
Kyle,Kenny was never gonna get his singing right anyway.
Stan,Whatever happened to Kenny?
Romanian Protesters,Let Kenny stay! Let Kenny stay! Let Kenny stay!
Officer 1,"Alright, people, the father wants his son returned to him! Hand him over to us!"
Romanian Protesters,Boooo!
Officer 2,"Shut up, Romanians! All right, let's go. Move move move move!"
Officer 3,"Hand over the boy, now!"
Mrs. McCormick,"Okay, okay!"
Officer 3,"I mean it, lady, you've got about-!  Whoops."
Stan,"Dude, did you do all your homework last night?"
Kyle,Yeah. But there was so much of it. I was up until two in the morning.
Stan,I know!
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, I hope you all did your homework last night, because we're goin' to talk about pages 42 through 612. First of all, who can tell me what year the Founding Fathers got together?  Let's see, how about..."
Cartman,"Please don't call on me. Please, Jesus, don't let him call on me."
Mr. Garrison,Wendy?
Cartman,Phew!
Wendy,1776.
Mr. Garrison,"Good job, Wendy. And what was that document called?"
Cartman,"Oh, please, God, don't let him call on me. Father in heaven, I beg of you-"
Mr. Garrison,Kyle?
Cartman,"Oh, thank you Low-ord! Praise Jesus!"
Kyle,The Declaration of Independence?
Mr. Garrison,"Very good, Kyle. Now, who can tell me what famous person wrote the Declaration of Independence?  Let's see. Oh, I know. How about the new student, Timmy?"
Timmy,Timmiihh!
Mr. Garrison,"No, it wasn't you, Timmy. Try again."
Timmy,Heh-aaaaaah!
Mr. Garrison,"Timmy, did you not do your homework?!"
Timmy,Erh Timmiihh!!
Stan,"Uh, Mr. Garrison, haven't you figured it out? Timmys' retarded."
Mr. Garrison,"Don't call people names, Stanley!"
Stan,But he is-
Mr. Garrison,"Now, Timmy,—"
Timmy,Haaaaah.
Mr. Garrison,—You need to work on your study skills!
Timmy,Doo-uhh.
Mr. Garrison,"Are you mocking me?! Because if you are, I have no problem sending your butt to the principal's office!"
Timmy,"G'oh livin' a lie, livin' a lie, Timmawh!"
Mr. Garrison,THAT DOES IT!
Principal Victoria,"Well, Timmy. I just don't know what to do with you. You're getting very poor marks in school and the teachers are complaining that you aren't paying attention."
Timmy,Heh-aaaaaah!
Mr. Mackey,"Uh young man, if you don't wanna be held back a grade, I suggest you start cooperating, m'kay?!"
Timmy,Timmiihh!
Principal Victoria,"Well, that does it! I'm suspending you, Timmy, until you can learn to respect your elders!"
Timmy,Ehhha-a-a-ah.
Mr. Mackey,"Huh- hold on just a second there, Principal Victoria.  I think I may know what the problem is."
Timmy,Timmiihh.
Mr. Mackey,"Yes, of course."
Principal Victoria,What??
Mr. Mackey,"I think maybe Timmy is suffering from something called, ""Attention Deficit Disorder,"" or ADD. It's very common in kids his age."
Principal Victoria,Oh!
Timmy,Timmiihh!
Principal Victoria,"Well, that certainly would explain it."
Mr. Mackey,"It should be easy enough to find out. They have tests for that kind of thing now, m'kay?"
Timmy,"Oolih oo livin' a lie, Timmehuh!"
Clinic Doctor,"Alright, this is a very simple test which should determine without a doubt whether or not Timmy has Attention Deficit Disorder."
Principal Victoria,Good.
Mr. Mackey,M'kay.
Timmy,Timmih.
Clinic Doctor,"Egh. Now, Timmy, I'm going to read you a book called, ""The Great Gatsby,"" by F. Scott Fitzgerald. At the end of the novel I'll ask you a few questions. Are you ready?"
Timmy,Timmih.
Clinic Doctor,"Okay, here we go.  ""In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since""  ""so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."""
Timmy,Ha-a-a-a-a-h.
Clinic Doctor,"Okay now, Timmy. Can you tell me: In Chapter 7, what kind of car did Gatsby drive?"
Timmy,Timmih!
Clinic Doctor,"Well, that settles it!"
"Mr. Mackey, Principal Victoria",Huh??
Clinic Doctor,This young man definitely has Attention Deficit Disorder!
Mr. Mackey,"Oh oh, I nuh-I knew it."
Principal Victoria,"What can we do for him, doctor?"
Clinic Doctor,"Well, ADD is fairly common in kids today. I'm gonna prescribe some Ritalin, and we'll see how that goes for little Timmy."
Timmy,Timmih.
Mr. Garrison,"Hurry up, children, let's take our seats.  You'd better have done your homework last night, Timmy.  What's this?"
Timmy,Tim-mih.
Mr. Garrison,"A note from the principal? ""Please excuse Timmy from all questions and all homework, as he has been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder.""  Oh, brother!"
Stan,He doesn't have to do homework?
Mr. Garrison,"That's just swell, Timmy! Looks like you've outsmarted the principal and the counselor!"
Timmy,Timmih.
Mr. Garrison,"Very well, I guess you're excused from homework."
Kyle,Hey wait. I think maybe I have Attention Diffunction Disorder.
Cartman,"Yeah, me too."
Stan,I've got ADD.
Kenny,(Me too.)
Other classmates,"Yeah, I've got it. Me too. Yeah. It's gay."
Clinic Doctor,"""After a while I went out and left the hospital, and walked back to the hotel in the rain.""  Alright now, in Chapter 12, what kind of bottles did Miss Van Campen talk about?  Anybody?  Anybody?? My God, these children all have ADD!"
All the kids,Hooray.
Cartman,Hoo-ray.
Clinic Doctor,It's Ritalin for all of you!
Drummer,"Dude, we suck!"
Skyler,"Hey, that's not the right attitude, Jonesy! The Battle of the Bands is tomorrow night!"
Jonesy,"Dude, we never win the Battle of the Bands! It's no big deal."
Skyler,"Not a big deal! This year's winner gets to open for Phil Collins at Lalapalooblaza, and that's no big deal?!"
Mark,"Hey, you guys, you'd better stop fighting."
Skyler,We've just gotta practice more.
Jonesy,"Dude, we've been practicing for eight years, Skyler."
Skyler,"Hey, am I the leader of this band or not?! Huh, let's do it from the top!"
Timmy,Timmuuhh!  Coodalah Timmuh!
Jonesy,What was that?
Skyler,"Huh-I don't know, man.  Whoaaa!"
Mark,Who is that?
Timmy,Timmiihh!
Skyler,"You a singer, man?"
Timmy,Rrrrr-laurlaurlah Timmehah!  Timmehuh!  Timmehh.
Jonesy,"Dude, that's hot!"
Skyler,Yeah!
Pharmacist,"There is your prescription, Ms. McCormick. A hundred dollars' worth of Ritalin."
Mrs. McCormick,And he won't have Attention Deficit Disorder anymore?
Pharmacist,We can only hope so. Next?
Sharon,"Oh, hi, Sheila."
Sheila,"Sharon, your son has Attention Deficit Disorder too?"
Sharon,Yes. I should have known. It all makes sense now. I could never get Stanley to pay attention when his grandfather told him stories about the '30s.
Sheila,"I know what you mean. Kyle gets so hyper, sometimes he runs around and screams like a little eight-year-old."
Kyle,...I am eight.
Pharmacist,"Next, please?  What do we have here- ah! The Ritalin!"
Liane,Yes.
Cartman,That's right. I got a bad case of ADD. No homework for me.
Liane,"Mr. Pharmacist, this Ritalin doesn't have any side effects, does it?"
Pharmacist,"Oh, no no, your son may experience a small lack of energy, but that's all."
Liane,Alright.
Pharmacist,"Oh, and he might start seeing little pink Christina Aguilera monsters, but that's to be expected."
Liane,Oh my.
Band,"Look alive, lettin' it feel (so light). Lettin' it feel so light."
People in Audience,Boooo!
Guy in flat top,You suck!
M.C.,"Alright, that was ""Sisters of Mercy Hold No Pain Against the Dark Lord,"" with their song, ""Silk Blood On The Footsteps Of My Mind (Revisited)"""
Singer,We got the best response. We'll be opening for Phil Collins for sure.
M.C.,And now it's time for our final band.
Guy in Audience,Thank God!
M.C.,"Give it up for ""Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld!"""
Skyler,1 2 3 4
Timmy,Timmih!  Timmih! Lehmeheuh!  Timmih!
Man 1,"Duhude, that handicapped dude ruhules!"
Man 2,Oo-yee-hee-yeh-hah!
Man 3,You guys are terrible! How could you laugh at that poor kid?!
Timmy,Timmih Timmiihh! Timmehuh Timmih Timmiihh!
The Lords,Lords of the Underworld.
Timmy,"Timmih, Timmiih!"
The Lords,Darkness fills my heart with pain.
Timmy,Timmih oo livin' a lie!
Stan,"Dude, it's Timmy."
Kyle,No way!
Man 3,"They're ridiculing that singer! Come on, let's get outta here!"
Timmy,Sibilah Sibinlaahh!
The Lords,The Lords of the Underworld.
Timmy,"Timmih, Timmih Timmitimmi Timmiih!"
The Lords,Darkness fills my heart with pain.
Timmy,Timmehahh! Timmeh Timmeh Sibinlah Timmih Sibinlah Timmih. Timmuh Timmuh Timmuh.  Timmeh!
Cartman,That was awesuhome!
Stan,"Yeah, Timmy ruhules!"
Woman,Boys! You shouldn't laugh at him! He's handicapped!
Stan,But he's funny.
Woman,How would you like to be handicapped?! Do you think that would be funny?! You're making him feel bad!
Timmy,Hehaahh!
Stan,He looks pretty happy to me.
Woman,"Oh, you people make me sick!"
M.C.,"Dude, this is a no-brainer. This year's Battle of the Bands winner and the band that gets to open for Phil Collins at Lalapalablala is... TIMMY!"
Crowd,Wooo!
Jonesy,"We did it, dude!"
Skyler,Listen to them. They really love me.  Wooo!!
Crowd,Wooo!!
Skyler,Yes! I'm a rocker!
Charlie Rose,"Tonight, we analyze the new rock sensation, Timmeo , the controversial new band that has taken the country by storm.  Already playing at several large venues this month , the band prepares for its biggest gig, Lolapalooblaza, where they will open for Phil Collins. But Phil Collins is not happy."
Phil Collins,"Well, I thinks it's a horrible tragedy, idn't it? I mean, people aren't gonna see Timmy for his musical skills. They're laughin' at 'im, and I think you shouldn't laugh at people with disabilities!"
Man,Hah haha.
Phil Collins,Society has to learn how to be more compassionate! This is gonna stop if I have to stop it myself!
Kyle,"Dude, did you see that stuff Phil Collins was saying about Timmy?"
Stan,"Yeah, what a dick. Timmy's five times more talented than he is."
Cartman,"Hey guys, have you been takin' your Ritalin?"
Stan,"Huh? No, we're not actually gonna take that stuff."
Cartman,"No, dude, you gotta try it.  It makes you feel good."
Kenny,(Good.)
Chef,"Hello there, children."
"Stan, Kyle, Cartman","Hello, Chef."
Kenny,"(Hello, Chef.)"
Chef,How's it goin'?
"Stan, Kyle, Cartman","Very well, thank you."
Kenny,"(Very well, thank you.)"
Chef,Everything's fine?? Why??
Stan,Because we're on Ritalin.
Chef,What??
Kyle,We all have Attention Deficit Disorder. So we all started taking Ritalin.
Cartman,"It really takes the edge off, man. You should try it."
Chef,So that's why all you children are acting so damned boring!
Kyle,"That's correct, Chef."
Chef,"Damnit, children, you don't need drugs to make you pay attention in school! In my day, if we didn't pay attention we got a belt to the bottom! Now they're tryin' to cure everything with drugs!"
Kyle,"Yes, but now we don't have any homework, so we can go see Timmy play downtown at Mile High Stadium"
Stan,Oh boy oh boy.
Kenny,(Oh boy.)
Chef,"Oh, it makes me sick! Those damned psychologists prescribe all kinds of medicines to you children without even carin' about the side effects."
Stan,"But there are no side effects, Chef."
Kyle,"No, not at all."
Christina Aguilera monster,Rown!
Cartman,Did you guys see that?
Stan,See what?
Announcer,"You're watching MTV, the cool, brainwashing, twelve-year-old-and-younger station that hides behind a slick image. We're so cool that we decide what's cool. And now, MTV News, the news that is singlehandedly dumbing down our country. Which is cool. Here's your host, Kurt Loder."
Kurt Loder,Why am I still doing this? I've got to be the oldest person in this network by at least 40 years.
Announcer,"Kurt Loder didn't just say that. No way, he did just say it, but just to be cool. That's what makes him cool. You think Kurt Loder is cool. And now, the news that's cool."
Kurt Loder,"Well, it's only two weeks until Lalapalalababa, and the headlining band has changed. Now headlining the event is Timmy , the new hit sensation out of Colorado. This news came as a shock to the performer that was going to headline Lalapalabala, Phil Collins."
Phil Collins,"Well, I think the sad question is, ""Where are the parents in all this?"" I mean, that kid's parents are lettin' him be exploited, and they don't even seem to care."
Kurt Loder,"And so, Phil Collins decided to travel to South Park and personally pay Timmy's parents a visit."
Phil Collins,"Well, I mean, why are you lettin' 'em do this to your son? Don't you see that everyone's just laughin' at him?"
Richard,Richarrrrd!
Helen,Helennnn!
Richard,'Oodleahah.
Kurt Loder,"Phil Collins warns that a novelty band that makes fun of the handicapped should not be allowed to play Lalapalablalala, and vows to do everything in his power to stop it. Phil Collins, by the way, divorced his wife via fax and then married a 27-year-old. I'm Kurt Loder, and that's the news."
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, let's settle down!  Huhh I mean it; I want quiet!  My God, Mr. Hat, these children are so boring on Ritalin.  Huh, ah! Alright, children, today we're gonna learn about human reproduction. What do you think about that?!  Vaginas, and penises. Butt sex.  Well, dammit, Eric, don't you have some smartass thing to say?!"
Cartman,"What kind of smartass thing would I say, Mr. Garrison?"
Mr. Garrison,This is driving me crazy!! I can't handle you little bastards being so mellow!!
Kyle,"Gee, you seem a little stressed, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you try some Ritalin?"
Cartman,There you go.
Christina Aguilera monster,Rowr.
Cartman,Whah!
A singer,"Thank you, South Park! Good night!"
Jonesy,"Alright, let's rock this house! Hello Miami!"
Timmy,Timmiihh!
Phil Collins,"Excuse me, Skyler Moles?"
Skyler,Yeah?
Phil Collins,Nice to meet you. I'm Phil Collins.
Skyler,"Oh, yeah. You're opening for us as Lalapalazabla."
Phil Collins,"I just wanted to tell you that, well, I think that you're a great guitar player and song writer."
Skyler,"Oh, thanks a lot. I appreciate that. Gotta run."
Phil Collins,It's too bad those other guys are holdin' you back.
Skyler,Huh?
Phil Collins,"Well, I mean, it's obvious all the talent and artistic vision in the band comes from you. Strange, how everyone focuses n Timmy, idn't it? I mean, even the name of the band is ""Timmy,"""
Skyler,"Nuh-nn, the name of the band is Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld."
Phil Collins,"Look, I used to be in a band, too. Genesis. And all those bastards did was hold me back and hold me back. But then, finally, I went solo. And that's when I started writing really great songs. But look, if you happen to be on the sidelines, you know, bein' more of a cheerleader than a player, well, then I guess you should stay on as Timmy's shadow."
Skyler,"Uh, thanks man. See ya."
Phil Collins,That should just about put an end to all this Timmy nonsense.
Timmy,Timmuh!
Jonesy,"Another great show, man. There must have been a hundred thousand people out there."
Skyler,"Yeah. All of them chanting ""Timmy, Timmy."""
Timmy,Timmih!
Jonesy,"What's the matter, Skyler?"
Skyler,"The name of the band is Timmy AND the Lords of the Underworld, not just Timmy."
Timmy,Timmiihh!
Skyler,And the Lords of the Underworld!
Timmy,Timmiihh!
Skyler,"It's always about you, isn't it?! I'm sick of it! Timmy gets all the applause! Timmy gets all the chicks! Well, you know what?! Forget you, man!"
Mark,"Skyler, Timmy is what made our band famous."
Skyler,"Shut up, Monsy! You can stay and deal with Mr. Egomaniac here, but I'm movin' on!  I don't need Timmy!  I'm goin' solo!"
Timmy,Timmiihh!
Skyler,"No! Don't try and stop me, man!  I'll see you on fame's backside."
Timmy,Ooo livin' a lie!
Phillip,"Terrance, what brand of pants am I wearing?"
Terrance,Let me see.
Phillip,"How do you like that, Terrance?"
Stan,Let's watch something else.
Kyle,"Yes, let's."
Announcer,You're watching VH1.
The Boys,Ahhhh.
Anchor,Here's Lalapalalala's news. The hit group Timmy has broken up.
Stan,Oh dear. Timmy's band broke up?
Anchor,"And so, Phil Collins is back on as the headliner. The opening band now will be Timmy's guitarist Skyler's new solo project, Reach for the Skyler."
Kyle,You know something? I think that's good. It was wrong to make Timmy a singer.
Stan,"Yeah. Phil Collins was right. People laughed at Timmy, and Timmy should be at home, where he's protected from laughter."
Cartman,"I agree. You know what, you guys? We should go to the concert anyways and see Phil Collins."
Kyle,Yeah. I think Phil Collins rocks the house.
Stan,Sounds good.
Cartman,"So it's decided: Phil Collins concert for all of us.  Hooray.  Oh oh. Hold still, Kenny."
Stan,"Oh my goodness, you killed Kenny."
Kyle,Bastard.
Chef,"Parents, I called you all together because I think you might be making a mistake puttin' your children on Ritalin."
Randy,"Uh, but our kids have Attention Deficit Disorder, Chef. They can't pay attention in school without it."
Chef,"I know you wanna help your kids, but I brought over a videotape to show you that there are alternative' to Ritalin. There's this doctor in Northern California who is doin' real amazing things with kids who have ADD. I want you to watch this tape."
Dr. Shay,"Hello, I'm Dr. Richard Shay, here to tell you about my exciting new drug-free treatment for children with Attention Deficit Disorder.  This treatment is fast and effective and doesn't use harmful drugs. Watch closely as I apply treatment to the first child."
Girl,"I want a horse. I want a big brown horse with a brown-and-black tail, and a diamond tiara-  Ah!"
Dr. Shay,Sit down and study!
Boy 1,"Woohoo, let's go sledding, let's go race and race, let's go!"
Dr. Shay,Sit down and study!
Boy 1,Wwaaahahahahaaha
Dr. Shay,"Stop crying and do your schoolwork!  If you would like more information on my bold new treatments, please send away for this free brochure, entitled, ""You can either calm down, or I can pop you in the mouth again."" Thank you."
Chef,"Well, what do you think? I can have Dr. Shay come to South Park for a small fee."
Sharon,That video had pretty colors.
Gerald,It sure did.
Chef,What the...? Dammit! Have you all been taking your children's Ritalin too?!
Parents,Yes.
Chef,"Awww, fudge it!"
Stan,"Chef, are you going to the Phil Collins concert tomorrow?"
Chef,The what?
Kyle,"Phil Collins is playing Lalapalala's, and because we're all doing so well in school now, our parents said they would take us."
Parents,Yes.
Chef,Hold on a second: you children want to go see Phil Collins?
Kyle,Yes. His flowing melodies are really enjoyable to us.
Chef,Oh my God!!
Kyle,"Come, see him with us."
Cartman,"Yes, come with us. Come with uusss. Haaa, it's Christina Aguilera again!  She's on my back! Hah!"
Chef,That does it! That Ritalin has affected your little cracker brains too deeply! I'm going to go see that damn pharmacist!
Pharmacist,Look at that. Ritalin stocks are up ten points.
Clinic Doctor,That's easily another twenty grand apiece!
Chef,"Hey, open this damn door."
Pharmacist,Can I help you?
Chef,Yes you can! What the hell are you two doin' prescribing all the children Ritalin?!
Clinic Doctor,"Well, they've all been diagnosed with ADD. That's Attention Deficit-"
Chef,I know what it is! But now you've got a town full of zombie children from the planet Zandor.
Clinic Doctor,Huh?
Chef,"All around the country, you bastard doctors are giving children Ritalin! And for every one child that actually needs it, you give it to 50,000 that don't!"
Clinic Doctor,"Hey now, don't tell us our business, Mr. Chef. Why, we-"
Chef,"You're damn right I'll tell you yo' business, because you two have got your heads up your asses! Thanks to you, we have children in our town that like Phil Collins!"
Pharmacist,"Eh wuh, what??"
Chef,That's right! You've made them so dull and boring that they're actually going to go to a Phil Collins concert!
Clinic Doctor,Mm- my God. What have we done??
Pharmacist,"Well, if I had known... Phil Collins, uh, my God!"
Chef,"Well, how do we reverse the Ritalin?!"
Clinic Doctor,"We uh... have to convince them not to take it, but, ahah ih it'll be hard to get it away from them."
Chef,Then we need an antidote!
Pharmacist,"Yes, of course."
Clinic Doctor,"Uh, what's the antidote for Ritalin?"
Pharmacist,"I have some right here.  It's a compound called ""Ritalout."""
Chef,"Alright. Come on, we've got to get the antidote to all the children. Quick!"
Phil Collins,"Last night I went, ""O!""BubudioLast night I went ""Bubudio"""
Chef,Here. We can put the Ritalin antidote in these drinks and hand them out to the children.
Phil Collins,"Last night I went, ""O!""Bububudio."
Randy,"Wasn't that great, son?"
Stan,"Sure was, Dad."
Gerald,It's so wonderful to be on the same wavelength as our kids.
Chef,"Here you go, Stan and Kyle. Free drinks on me."
Stan,"Oh, thank you, Chef. How nice."
Phil Collins,"I know. I'd like to sing the complex and amazing song that won me the Oscar, a song entitled, ""You'll Be In... Me.""  Thanks.You're inside of me.Deep inside of me. So deep inside, I can feel you pushing against my heart."
Chef,"Come on, drink it down. It's free."
Cartman,You'll be inside of me...
Christina Aguilera monster,Rowr.
Cartman,Huh? Oh no! Agh!  Get off me! Get off me! Somebody help!! Please?? Somebody get it off of me!! Get it off of me.
Stan,I feel... different.
Kyle,Yeah.
Cartman,"Get off of me, Christina Aguilera! Alright?! Please! Hegh, hegh"
Chef,"Drink this, Eric.  God help me! Heh, get it...  She's gone! Thank God!"
Phil Collins,"Well, thanks!"
Stan,Wait a minute! Phil Collins sucks ass!
Kyle,Yeah! What the hell were we thinking?! Boooooo!
Chef,I think it's working.
Audience,Booooo!!
Phil Collins,"Shut your filthy holes, you little bastards!"
Stan,"Get off the stage, Phil Collins! We want Timmy!"
Kyle,Yeah!
Phil Collins,You just wanna laugh at him.
Stan,"No!  You see, we learned something today. Yeah, sure, we laughed at Timmy, but what's wrong with laughter? Just because we laugh at something doesn't mean we don't care about it. Timmy made us smile, and playing made Timmy smile, so where was the harm in that? The people that are wrong are the ones that think people like Timmy should be ""protected"" and kept out of the public's eye. The cool thing about Timmy being in a band was that he was in your face, and you had to deal with him, whether you laughed or cried, or felt nothing. That's why Timmy rules!"
Kyle,Yeah! Tim-my! Tim-my!
Audience,Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my!
Jonesy,"Man, it sucks not being part of Lalapalabala."
Mark,Yeah.
Skyler,Hey dudes.
Jonesy,"Skyler, what are you doing here?!  Isn't Reach for the Skyler supposed to play soon?"
Skyler,They booed Phil Collins off the stage. Everyone's chanting for Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld.
Mark,"Oh, so now that they want us, you think you can waltz, um, back into our lives and be in the band again?"
Skyler,"I don't expect anything. Timmy, I-gh... Well, I just wanted to say we had some pretty rockin' times, dude, and... maybe I let fame and Phil Collins go to my head..."
Timmy,Timmih!
Jonesy,Wow. They really are chanting for us.
Mark,Hn they want us back.
Skyler,"What do you say, Timmy?"
Timmy,"Rrr, rrr, uh, Timmih."
The Lords,Alright!
Host,"Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, it is my pleasure to introduce the reunion tour of Timmehuh!"
Timmy,"Timmiihh, and the Lords of the Underworld!  Timmiihh!  Timmih! Livin' a lie-ah!  Hidilah Timmy!  Timmuh- Timmiihh! Timmehuh Timmih Timmiihh!"
The Lords,And the Lords of the Underworld.
Phil Collins,"Put me down, you filthy bastards!  Awwww!"
Timmy,Timmiihh uluh-livin' a lie!
A British Person,"Aaah.  Dickens. The imagery of cobblestone streets, cragging London buildings, and nutmeg-filled Yorkshire puddings.  Hello, I'm a British person. For years now, the character Pip has been featured prominently in the American show, South Park. However, many Americans don't realize where Pip came from. He's the prowling little adorable Englishman from Charles Dickens' timeless classic, ""Great Expectations""  And so tonight, the makers of South Park have agreed to take a break from their regular show, and instead present the prestigious Dickens tale in its entirety from beginning to end. Indeed, after watching this show, you'll know the timeless classic as if you'd... read the Cliff Notes themselves. Our story is set in England, in the small town of Drop-A-Chair-Upon-Top-Snot,  where a young blond-haired boy named Pip was on his way to see his parents."
Pip,"'Ello Mom. 'Ello Dad. It certainly is nice to see you again.  Don't worry. Sister is still taking very good care of me. She just loves to smack me in the face and tell me I'm worthless. O, we have such fun together.  But it's getting dark, Mom and Dad. I'll see you again soon.  Wa-a-ah!"
Ex-Convict,"Wha' are you doin' 'ere, you little whippersham!"
Pip,"Oh, hello. Why, you look like an escaped convict. Did we breaky-wakys out of prison?  Oh dear! But you're shackled. Here, let me help you."
Ex-Convict,Wha' are you doin' wit' those?
Pip,I'm an apprentice blacksmith.  There you are.  And here's a sandwich. You must be starving!
Ex-Convict,Here. W-why are you easy to help me?
Pip,"Well, it's not for me to judge you, sir. We are all the same.  Don't quite all smell the same, I'm afraid."
Mrs. Joe,"Pip, where 'ave you been?!"
Pip,"Waaah!  Lovely day, isn't it?"
Mrs. Joe,"What the hell's lovely about it?!  Joe, teach this boy some bloody cynicism!"
Joe,"I don't know about that. I just thought I'd keep to me blacksmithing.  Ey, look! I've made me a metal fire poker."
Mrs. Joe,A lot of bloody good a fire poker's gonna do while I'm starvin' to death! Why don't you make us some bloody food to eat!
Joe,"Alright. Look 'ere, I made me a metal orange."
Mrs. Joe,"STOP your metal orange, you bastard! You never want a tablespoon of nigh'ingale droppin's, you me'al-poundin' fairy!  And you! Why don't you ge' a job?! You're eight years old now!"
Joe,"Oh, lookie heeah!  I've gone and made a metal newspaper!"
Mrs. Joe,"Shut up, you silly lip! What are we supposed to do with a metal newspaper?"
Joe,"Well, for starters we can look in the want ads and see if we can find Pip a job. Ohhh, lookie here! Young man wanted for paid position!"
Mrs. Joe,Where?
Pip,Where?
Mrs. Joe,"""Havisham residence seeks young boy to play with lonely daughter. Will pay up to..."" TWENTY QUID A DAY??"
Pip,That's a lot of  money-loney.
Joe,"You can keep a little girl company for 20 quid a day, Pip. And Old Mrs. Havisham is the wealthiest woman in the town."
A British Person,"Well, the very next day, Pip went to Old Ms. Havisham's house to inquire about the job.  and it was there that he met the girl of his dreams."
Girl,Who are you?!
Pip,...I've come to answer the want ad.
Girl,"Is that so, you smelly little bastard?!"
Pip,What??
Girl,"This way, you pathetic squirt of vaginal discharge!  This way, you beef-witted shriveled-up monkey's penis.  Up here, you gamy mass of baby vomit!  In here."
Pip,"Eho. After you, miss."
Girl,"I'm not going in there, you stupid puddle of a homeless man urine!"
Ms. Havisham,Who is that?
Pip,"I've come to answer the want ad, ma'am."
Ms. Havisham,Come closer. Look at me.  Does it frighten you to look upon a woman who has not seen the sun in over 20 years?
Pip,"Oh, no, no! You you sort of look upon one when you have not seen the sun for over 20 years quite a lot these... days."
Ms. Havisham,"I sometimes have sick fancies.  And I have a fancy I should like to see someone play. So, play. Play."
Pip,Um.
Ms. Havisham,"Estella, play with this boy."
Estella,With HIM?  But he's just a commoner!
Ms. Havisham,"But, you can break his heart."
Estella,"...Alright, boy, let us play."
Pip,Righty-o. What are we going to play?
Estella,"We're going to play a little game called, ""Smack the Blond Boy In the Head With a Large Log."""
Pip,"Oh, yes! My sister and I play that game at home all the time!  Who will go first?"
Estella,"Oh, you stupid pathetic boy!"
Ms. Havisham,What do you think of her?
Pip,"Well, uh... I think she's very pretty."
Ms. Havisham,Hm-m-m. What else?
Pip,I think she's rather insulting.
Ms. Havisham,"Hm, you quite fancy her, don't you? Come back again next week. We shall ""play"" some more."
A British Person,"That night, Pip spent all his sleeping hours unable to get Estella's beautiful face out of his mind."
Dream Estella,"Stop dreaming about me, you slow-witted rectal belch!"
A British Person,"Day after day Pip visited Estella. Sometimes they would play, sometimes they would talk. But every single day Pip's love for Estella grew."
Pip,Don't you wanna play anymore?
Estella,"Boy, do you still think I'm pretty?"
Pip,"Oho. Well, yes, miss."
Estella,"And, do you still think I'm insulting?"
Pip,"Oh, um, not so much as before.  Ow!"
Estella,"I hate you! You're an oozing, painful hemorrhoid that belches pus!"
Pip,"Oh, dear."
Estella,You may kiss me if you like.  Come. Let us walk in the daisy garden.
A Boy,"Oh, what fun it is to splash about in the fountain!  You there, the prowling little boy! I bet you can't jump on my back!  Go on, then. Try and jump on my back!"
Pip,Who is that?
Estella,"Just another playmate hired to amuse me. You didn't think you were the only one, did you?"
Pip,Oh I... rather thought I was.
Estella,"Oh, you silly small-testicled boy. Come, let us walk through the rose garden."
Ms. Havisham,"Yes, good. She will break his pathetic heart into a million pieces."
A British Person,"Well, what a spot poor Pip was in. He was hired to be the friend of the very harsh and beautiful Estella. And although she treated him like dirt, or perhaps because she treated him like dirt, Pip found himself more in love with the little girl each and every day.  Oh, bless him! Isn't he lovely??  But, isn't it sad? Because Pip knew that someone as sophisticated and as wealthy as Estella could never love him, for he was just a simple blacksmith's apprentice."
Joe,"And so you bang on this side, and bang on that side, and there you have it.  Your very own metal fuzzy dice."
Pip,"Yes. I see.  Hoh, lovely."
Joe,"Eeyyyy, what's all this, Pip?"
Pip,"Joe, do you know anything about girls?"
Joe,Sure! They're those things with vaginas in them.
Pip,"But, do you know anything about them? About how they work."
Joe,"Oh, I don't know about that. I just like to keep to me blacksmithin'."
Pip,Do you think that a girl who is rich and educated would ever want to be with a blacksmith?
Joe,"Oh. D'ooooh. No, I don't think so, Pip.  Who could that be?"
Lawyer,"Joe, the blacksmith?"
Joe,The same.
Lawyer,I'm a lawyer from London in search of a young lad named Pip.
Pip,"I'm Pip, sir."
Lawyer,"Mr. Blacksmith, I've been sent here to offer you a reasonable sum of money in exchange for your apprentice."
Joe,"Oh, well, uh Pip's not for sale, sir."
Lawyer,I have a client who wishes to give this bright child a future. Anything he desires.  Do you still object?
Joe,"Heaven forbid I should stand in the way of Pip's future, but-"
Lawyer,He will one day inherit a handsome property. But the owner of that property wants him first to travel to London and learn to be a gentleman.
Joe,That's great news!
Lawyer,"There's only one condition, Pip. Your benefactor wishes to remain anonymous."
Pip,Oho. But it must be Ms. Havisham!
Lawyer,"OH OH! If you have any suspicion of who that person might be, you are to keep it in your own breast. Understood?"
Pip,Yes sir.
Lawyer,"Then you will go to London in a week's time.  Here's 20 sterling. Well, blacksmith, you look stunned."
Joe,"I am, sir."
Lawyer,"Then I should take my leave.  Good evening, gentlemen, and we shall see you in London next week, Pip."
Pip,"Good-bye, sir."
Joe,Pip!  A young gentleman! Of great expectations!
Lawyer,"You shall stay here with your roommate, Mr. Pocket. He is a distinguished young lad who will help you on your way to being a gentleman. I trust you see no problem with this?"
Pip,"None, sir."
Lawyer,"I should think not.  On up, then, and prepare for school on the morrow."
Pip,"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."
A Boy,Mr. Pip?
Pip,Mr. Pocket?
Pocket,"Pray, come in!"
Pip,Thank you kindly. You do look rather familiar
Pocket,"As do you. Perhaps we've seen each other before. As to our lodging, it's not by any means splendid. This is our sitting room - just chairs and tables and carpet and so forth.  This is my little room - rather musty, and this is your bedroom."
Pip,"My, how lovely."
Pocket,"Oh, what a gay time we shall have, and I do mean gay as in festive, not as in penetration of the bum. Oh, but dear me! I beg your pardon! You're holding your bags all this time! Pray, let me take them!  I'm quite ashamed!"
Pip,"Oh it's... quite alright.  Lord bless me! Why, you're the pale young man I saw at Ms. Havisham's house!"
Pocket,"Why, yes of course! You're the prowling little boy! Boy, what a smashing coincidence!"
Pip,"Perhaps, but perhaps not. Ms. Havisham is very generous indeed."
Pocket,"That old biddy? Oh, I assure you, I have nothing to do with her anymore. She's absolutely mad!"
Pip,"Well, what do you mean?"
Pocket,"Well, don't you know about Ms. Havisham's melancholy past? Dear me, it's quite a story, and should be discussed over dinner. Come!  Right, time for a smashing meal and the story of Ms. Havisham."
Pip,"Pocket, may I ask you a favor? I am desperately trying to become a gentleman! For the love of a certain girl. So, will you please tell me if I do something wrong at the table?"
Pocket,"You'll do fine, dear fellow, just fine. Now on to Ms. Havisham: She was raised by a wealthy father and grew up to be a somewhat of a spoiled brat.  And now I might mention, Pip, that in London it is not the custom to put the knife in the mouth."
Pip,"Hoh, dear, I'm terribly sorry!"
Pocket,"Not at all, I'm sure.  Anyway, Ms. Havisham grew up to be a lovely young lady, and soon a man came along, which gets me to the cruel part of the story, merely breaking off, Pip , to remark that a dinner napkin should never be placed into the tumbler."
Pip,Sorry! Sorry!
Pocket,"Not at all, I'm sure.  So this man pursued Ms. Havisham closely and professed to be devoted to her. She passionately loved him back. The marriage day was fixed, the wedding dress was bought, the wedding guests were all invited, and finally the day came. But not the groom.  And I break from the tale now only to mention that one should never pass gas at the dinner table!"
Pip,Oh. Excuse me.
Pocket,"Not at all, I'm sure. So the groom never showed. He simply wrote a letter, a letter that Ms. Havisham received 20 minutes before the wedding."
Pip,"At half nine, the time when she stopped all the clocks in the house."
Pocket,"But afterward she laid waste to the entire house, as you have seen it, and has never since looked upon the light of day. And the story ends, Pip, with me suggesting that one should never pull out the wee wee and check it for scabs whilst at the table."
Pip,"Terribly sorry, Pocket."
Pocket,"Not at all, I'm sure!"
A British Person,"And so Pip spent the next several months learning how to be a gentleman. He was schooled in several languages. He was taught fencing and marksmanship, and he was shown how to dance and eat box. And after it all, after WEEKS and weeks of intense schooling, Pip was finally a full-fledged gentleman. Proud of himself, Pip decided to pay Ms. Havisham a visit, to thank her for her generosity, and to see if he was indeed, now, good enough for Estella."
Pip,"Good evening, Ms. Havisham."
Ms. Havisham,"Come closer, Pip.  My, you're quite the gentleman now, aren't you?"
Pip,Thanks to you.
Ms. Havisham,Perhaps. Estella's been off to school as well.  She's become quite the lady. Would you like to see a picture of her?
Pip,"Oh, my! She is even prettier than before."
Ms. Havisham,"Ohoh, you love her, don't you, Pip?"
Pip,"I don't know. I mean, I think about her every day."
Ms. Havisham,"Do you know what love is, Pip? It is blind devotion, unquestioning self-humiliation, utter submission, trust and belief against yourself and against the whole world, giving up your whole heart and soul to snip it."
Pip,Righto.
Ms. Havisham,"Love her, Pip. I developed her into what she is so that she might... be loved."
Pip,"Yes, but... where will I find her?"
Ms. Havisham,There's a dance at the Palace tomorrow night. Estella will be there. Go and seek her out. And love her. Love her!
Pip,"Thank you, Ms. Havisham! For everything!  I'm the happiest boy in the land!"
Ms. Havisham,"And if she warms to you, love her; she tears your heart into pieces. And as you get older it will tear deeper.  Lover her."
A British Person,"Yes. Our young Pip had come a long way. From the apprentice of a blacksmith to a fine young gentleman of great expectations. And now he was to finally see his beloved Estella again at a Grand Ball held by the King of England, Tony Blair. It was here that Pip would finally and formally ask Estella to be his girlfriend. And all would be right with the world."
Pip,"Hello, Estella."
Estella,"Pip.  My goodness, how you've changed!"
Pip,Yes. I've become a gentleman. May I?
Estella,I suppose.  So how is it that you've learned to dress and dance?
Pip,"Well, I was sent to be schooled in London."
Estella,"Iiii see, and you no longer live with the blacksmith?"
Pip,"Oh. I see Joe once in a while. But I don't have much in common with him anymore, now that I'm a gentleman and all."
Estella,Naturally.
Pip,"It is wonderful to see you again, Estella."
Estella,Is it? Why?
Pip,Because I believe I'm in love with you.
Estella,"Pip, you must know that I have no heart."
Pip,I think you do.
Estella,"Oh, I have a heart to be shot or stabbed in, no doubt, and if it cease to beat I should cease to be, but  you know what I mean. I have no softness there, no sympathy, sentiment."
Pip,"I see past that, Estella. I see a little girl who wants to be warm and kind."
Older Boy,"Hey, Estella, let's get out of here."
Estella,"Alright, Steve. Just one moment."
Pip,Who...? Who is that?
Estella,That is Steve. He is seventeen and has a car.
Pip,"I see, and you... fancy this Steve fellow?"
Estella,I should. He's my boyfriend.
Pip,Boyfriend??
Estella,"What's the matter, Pip?!"
Pip,I don't understand! I did everything right! I stopped being a poor commoner! I even blew off my lovin' Joe!
Estella,"It's... it's... the way it goes sometimes, Pip.  He's... seventeen and has a car. I'm... I'm... very  I'm  leaving."
Pip,Ms. Havisham! You have to talk to Estella! She's going out with a-
Ms. Havisham,"Well well well, if it isn't Mr. Pip."
Pip,Ms. Havisham! But um...
Ms. Havisham,"Don't they make a handsome couple, Pip?  Look at the way he holds her hand."
Pip,But I don't understand.  You sent me away to become a gentleman so that I could be with Estella.
Ms. Havisham,"Things aren't always as they seem, Pip.  Oh, what's the matter? Did she... break your heart?"
Pip,"...Well, I suppose that if you set out to break my heart, you did a very good job of it. Because it certainly does hurt."
Ms. Havisham,Yes. Tell me about the pain.  Tell me about the crushing and the prickly things.
Pip,It's... a-as if... sssomeone has a hold of my heart and isss  squeezing it very tightly.
Ms. Havisham,"Yes, and it is somewhat difficult to breathe."
Steve,"Hey, wait a second. You mean that this whole thing was just a setup by your mom?"
Ms. Havisham,Is your heart broken as well? Tell me all about it.
Pip,But why do you make your daughter hurt people?
Ms. Havisham,"Wuh-hy? Well, that's simple. Because I need the tears of broken-hearted men to use in my Genesis device.  You see, my foolish child, I'm growing very old. But tonight I will fuse my soul into Estella's once and for all. And then I can go on breaking men's hearts for another generation."
Steve,What the hell??
Ms. Havisham,"Estella, prepare yourself for the Genesis platform."
Steve,"Oh no, you don't! You're my girl! And I'm not lettin' you walk out on me!  What the?!"
Ms. Havisham,"And as for you, Pip, my robot monkeys should take care of you!"
Joe,"Pip? Pip, old chap?"
Pip,Joe?
Joe,That's right. You're safe and warm now.
Pocket,"Joe found you lying face down in the street, Mr. Pip, You were in such a state. You've been unconscious here for nearly three hours."
Pip,"Ms. Havisham! She has all the men who have had their hearts broken by Estella trapped in her house!  Oh, why would she have wasted all that time sending me to school and making me into a gentleman?"
Joe,"Well, about that, Pip: There's another person who wants to see you."
Ex-Convict,"Allo, Pip. You remember me?"
Ex-Convict,I'll rip off your arms and shove 'em up your arse!
Pip,"Why, you're the escaped convict I helped a long time ago."
Ex-Convict,"Yes. After you helped me I moved to Wales and made somethin' o' myself. If it weren't for you, I'd have never become a millionaire."
Joe,"'E's the one that sent you to London, Pip! 'E's the one who sent you off to be a gentleman!"
Pip,You? But why?
Ex-Convict,Because back then you treated me like any other person. You're weren't a snob and you helped me as you would a rich man.
Pip,"Oh, dear. All this time I thought it was Ms. Havisham. She totally let me believe it."
Pocket,"I tried to tell you, Pip. She's a vengeful, spiteful woman, who wanted nothing more than to see you hurt along with the rest of the male sex."
Pip,"Well, I've certainly learned a lot. That being a gentleman doesn't mean learning to dance, or proper table manners. It means being a gentle man. Gentle to everyone."
Pocket,Righto. Pip. Righto.
Pip,And now I suppose there's only one thing left to do.
Joe,"What's that, Pip."
Pip,"If Ms. Havisham is determined to do this to others, let's go KICK HER ARSE!"
Joe,Yeah!
A British Person,"And now we come to the final act of the Dickens classic tale, in which the stage is set for an epic showdown. Ms. Havisham's robot monkeys prove a formidable foe, but Pip is not about to let Estella's soul be forever consumed by the Genesis device. And now the thrilling conclusion of Great Expectations!"
Ms. Havisham,"Are you ready, Estella? Are you ready to complete the cycle?"
Estella,"Yes, Mother."
Pip,"Not so fast, you ugly ancient bitch."
Estella,Pip?
Joe,"Your manhating days are over, Ms. Havisham!"
Ms. Havisham,"Quite the contrary, blacksmith. My revenge on the male race is only about to begin."
Pocket,"Dear God, Pip, look!"
Steve,"Estella, help me! I'm your boyfriend!"
Boy,So am I.
Man,And me.
Man In Middle,We were all Estella's boyfriends at one time or another. Now we're doomed.
Ms. Havisham,"Yes. Cry away, males.  Once your tears have collected into the Genesis device, the fusion of Estella and me will be complete."
Pip,You won't get away with this!
Ms. Havisham,Won't I?  Let the transformation begin.
Joe,"Pip, she started the device!"
Pip,"Pocket! Get over there, and do whatever it takes to keep those blokes from crying!"
Pocket,"Righto, Pip."
Ms. Havisham,It begins.
Pip,"Come, Estella! You can't want to be part of this."
Estella,It is... what I was raised for.
Robot Monkey,AAAAAAA!!!
Pocket,"Hello, gentlemen. Oh, whatever you do, please do not cry. Havisham's device fuels itself on your tears, I'm afraid."
Man,"How are we not to cry. Our hearts have been broken, our lives ruined, and now we are set to die!"
Pocket,"Yes, but just think about... panda bears!  Oh, they're so cuddly and sweet, panda bears are.  What silly little noses they have!"
Man,Panda bears make me sad. They're almost extinct.
Pocket,"Oh, right, right, let's not think about panda bears, then. Let's think about ...swimming! Oh, what jolly fun swimming is, with a splishy-splash and a hold-your-breath dive."
Ms. Havisham,...Yes...
Ex-Convict,"Get out of that chair, you old cow!"
Pip,"Estella! Listen to me! You are a wonderful girl, with a kind heart."
Estella,"I told you, Pip. I have no heart."
Pip,But you do! And I shall prove it to you once and for all!  Look at this adorable little bunny.
Estella,Oh my. 'E's very cute.
Pip,You see that? A heartless person wouldn't care at all about this bunny. They'd just as soon break its neck.  ...Oh. But look at this bunny.  There. You see that? You have too big a heart to kill two baby bunnies.  ...Right.
Pocket,"Oh what fun it is to collect stamps! Lick the backs, put them into books all neat and tidy with those smashing little pictures and bright colors."
Man,My father died in a stamp-collecting accident.
Pocket,"Right, let's not talk about stamp-collecting, then. Let's talk about..."
Man In Middle,Ice-skating!
Pocket,Oh what fun ice-skating is!  Who can catch me? Who can catch the ice-skating king? That's me.
Joe,Oy can't figh' 'em off no moh!
Pip,Nine. Nine baby bunnies. A person with a heart could never kill nine baby bunnies. So you do have too big a heart to-  Ten baby bunnies!
Joe,...There's too many of them!
Pocket,"Please, sirs, you must not cry!"
Man,We can't help it! You're bawlin' us to tears!
Pocket,"Philip, it's too late!!"
Pip,Twenty-six baby bunnies
Estella,I don't want to. I don't see the point in this.
Pip,What?
Estella,I don't want to kill any more of them.
Pip,There! You see?! You do have a heart!
Estella,You think so? Let me see it  Maybe I can kill it.
Pip,"No no, I'm sure of it. You have a heart! You've bought your own life! Come with me now!"
Ms. Havisham,Yessss!  Noooo!
Pocket,"Ooooo, top smart, Pip!"
Joe,"You did it, Pip!"
Joe,"Well, I guess Old Ms. Havisham won't be takin' any revenge on any more blokes, ey?"
Estella,Yes. her poor miserable life is finally over.
Pip,"You're released from her now, Estella! Now we can begin our life together!"
Estella,"Yes! Yes, my small-testicled love!"
Pocket,"Oh, I'm so glad everything has worked out.  Where are all my little bunnies that you borrowed then, Pip?"
A British person,"And they all lived happily ever after. Except for Pocket, who died of hepatitis B.  So ends Charles Dickens' Great Expectations. We hope you now have a deeper appreciation for Pip, and indeed,  all masterpieces of literature like this one.  Until next time, I'm a British person. Good night."
Cartman,"Okay, Stan, I'm gonna you... a UFO crash-landing card!  You can deny it, or cover it up."
Stan,"Dude, I don't understand this game at all."
Cartman,"It's ""Investigative Reports with Bill Kurtis"" funtime game. You have to decide if you deny it or cover it up."
Stan,"Um, deny it?"
Cartman,"Okay, let's see what Bill Kurtis says."
Electronic Head,"Hello, I'm Bill Kurtis. Many believe that the U.S. Government... covered it up. I'm Bill Kurtis."
Kyle,"Alright, Cartman. I'm gonna give you... a jail-time card.  You lose a turn."
Stan,Sweet.
Cartman,"Oh yeah?! Well, I'm gonna give you... AIDS!"
Kyle,What?
Cartman,I just gave you AIDS.
Kyle,AIDS?!
Stan,"Dude, that's not cool. Don't give Kyle AIDS."
Cartman,"Kyle has AIDS, and now loses 47 turns  and 800 points."
Mrs. McCormick,"Kenny, your dad and I are thinking about having another baby. Wouldn't you like to have another brother or sister?"
Kenny,(No.)
Stuart,"We just might get workin' on it later tonight, huh huh huh."
Cartman,"God-damnit, poor people suck! Your family is already on welfare, and now they're gonna bring another kid into the world. Poor people are turning out babies, adding to the overpopulation, and they're expecting me to pay for it with my tax dollars."
Stan,"You don't pay tax dollars, Cartman! You're eight!"
Cartman,"...You see.  Gaw, this is just what I've been talkin' about! I can't even relate to you guys anymore because you're too immature!"
Kyle,What?
Cartman,"I've gotta start hanging out with friends that are a little more intelligent, and understand ...politics and stuff. It's just that... I'm up on this level up here , and all my friends are down here ."
Kyle,"You don't know what you're talking about, fatass!"
Cartman,"Nononono! Me h'myah , you guys myah!  — maybe a little mo down, down in hyah.  SCREW YOU GUYS, I'M GOING HOME."
Electronic Head,I'm Bill Kurtis.
Cartman,"I've outgrown all my friends. I need to meet more mature people, Clyde Frog.  Oh, great idea, Clyde Frog!  I can meet new friends on the Internet!  Here's a chat room: ""Men Who Like Young Boys""  That's perfect.  Hi everybody! I am a young boy seeking an older male for good times. I am eight years old and would li-  Wow! Look at all these guys who wanna be my friend! I'll pick... Tony316.  Hi Tony.  ""So what are you into?""  Oh, you know, the usual stuff. Smiley-face.  ""Kewl. Wanna get together?  Smiley-face?""  Sure, Tony! That would be... kewl. Winking, smiley, face.  ""Meet me at Mel's Buffet restaurant tomorrow morning.""  Sounds good. See you then! Clown hat, curly hair, smiley-face.  You see that, Clyde Frog? Tomorrow I'm gonna meet my first mature friend!"
Cartman,"Hi, are you Tony?"
Tony,Yeah. You're -Eric?
Cartman,Yeah!
Tony,I brought you some candy.
Cartman,"Wow, cool!"
Tony,And some books on Kama Sutra.
Cartman,"Neato! Having older friends kicks ass, uh! You see, I've, I've really been having a tough time. I've kind of matured faster than my other friends ; we don't really relate anymore, and, and uh, alright uh, all my friends seem so childish now."
Tony,Yahahahah like having your back rubbed?
Cartman,"Heh, yeah! That feels real nice! Thanks."
Agent,"Hold it right there, scumbag!"
Tony,Huh?
Cartman,Huh?
Agent,We monitored your little online chat.  Now you're coming with us!
Tony,No!
Cartman,What the hell just happened?
Mom,"You can't eat, Kenny. We have to save food for the baby."
Dad,"Your mom and I are going out for a few weeks, Kenny. Take care of the baby."
Mom,"Kenny, you have to change the baby's diapers!"
Dad,You have to share your room with the baby!
Mom,The baby.
Dad,The baby!
Mom,The baby!!
Kenny,(HAAAAAAAAGH!)
Mrs. McCormick,Stop it!
Stuart,"Come on, let's go try to get you pregnant again."
Mrs. McCormick,"Oh, alright."
Kenny,"(Dad, I wanna play catch.)"
Stuart,"Huh? Uh, I'll play catch with your later, son."
Kenny,(But I wanna play now!)
Mrs. McCormick,"Oh, go ahead. We can make love afterwards."
Stuart,"Aw, alright."
Stuart,"Well alright, here comes a pop fly. See if you can catch it!  Good job. Now throw me one.  Ohp! Guhhogh!"
Mrs. McCormick,What happened?!
Stuart,"Aw, he smacked me in the balls!"
Kenny,(Woohoo!)
Cartman,"Okay, we'll try this again.  Hi, everyone. I am a young boy looking for fun times with older male. I like to-  Oh, this one looks good: HungDaddy.  Hello, HungDaddy.  ""Hi. I'm eight and a half inches."" Damn, dude, this guy's tiny. He must be a dwarf.  Sorry, I'm not interested in being friends with midgets.  Midgets piss me off. Frowny face.  Lemme see, how about this one?"
Cartman,Mister Hammerhead?
Mr. Hammerhead,Hi there.
Cartman,Mr. Garrison??
Mr. Garrison,Haah! Eric!
Cartman,You wanna be my friend?
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, crap!"
Cartman,"That's cool, we can hang out. What do you wanna do first?"
Mr. Garrison,"Huh-uh, nothing! Nothing!"
Agent,"Alright, scumbag, we got you!"
Mr. Garrison,"Hey uh, uh, uh. Good thing you guys came. This... little boy was trying to have his way with me."
Agent,"Nice try, buddy! We monitored your little online chat—now, you're coming with us!"
Mr. Garrison,No-o!
Cartman,"Why the hell does the FBI keep arresting all my friends? This has to be the work of Stan and Kyle! God, I hate those guys!"
Kyle,"See? I told you, dude. Those are dialysis machines.  Old people have to hook themselves into it with a tube, and it sucks all their body fluids out."
Stan,"Oh, man, that's terrible."
Kyle,"I know, hunh? Put your mouth against the glass like this.  Waaaaah!"
Stan,"Haha, he-yeah ha.  Haaaaah."
Kyle,Bleuh-leuh-leuh-leuh-leuh.
Stan,Blaaa-lalalalalalala.
Cartman,"Alright, just what the hell do you guys think you're doing?!"
Stan,We're making faces at sick people.
Cartman,"No! I mean, what the hell are you doing?! Why are all my mature adult friends being ""mys-teriously"" arrested, huh?!"
Stan,We don't know.
Cartman,"I'll tell you why! Because you guys are jealous and can't handle the fact that you're immature, and so you've started a government conspiracy against me!"
Kyle,"We don't know what you're talking about, lardbutt."
Cartman,"Lardbut. Oh, that's so mature! Golly, I guess I was wrong about you guys, huh?!"
Stan,"You're not more mature than us, Cartman!"
Cartman,YES I AM!!
Mr. Garrison,"I'm telling you, this is all a terrible mistake, Officer Barbrady."
Officer Barbrady,"Well, the FBI said I have to hold you here, so that's what I'm gonna do, Mr. Complainy Pants."
Mr. Garrison,O-ogh!
Tony,Do you like having your back rubbed?
Mr. Garrison,"Eat me, pervert!"
Tony,Okay.
Man,We demand you release these men at once!
Officer Barbrady,Who are you?
Man,"We are NAMBLA, the North American Man Boy Love Association, and we heard about these political prisoners you're keeping?"
Officer Barbrady,"Political prisoners? No, these are child molesters."
Man,"Loving young boys has been around since the time of the Romans, pal! There's nothing wrong with it! We are an organization dedicated to showing that sex between a man and a young boy can be a beautiful thing!"
Other NAMBLA Men,"Yeah, uh-huh."
Officer Barbrady,"Uuuh, I don't know who you are, but these men aren't going anywhere until I hear from the FBI."
Man,Hate mongerer! Hate mongerer!
Other NAMBLA Men,Hate mongerer! Hate mongerer!
Officer Barbrady,"Okay people , I think you'd better move along before I arrest more of you!"
Man,All these men wanted was to love a young boy!  There is nothing wrong with love!
Mr. Garrison,"I did not want love from a young boy! I like men my own age.  Aah! I mean, I like women! What did I say?-Oh God! I love titties!"
Man,"You haven't heard the last of us, officer! Together we are strong.  Come on, men!"
Officer Barbrady,"Wow, they've got activists for everything these days."
Dr. Mephesto,"I've done it, Kevin. I've successfully spliced this chipmunk with a piece of provolone cheese.  Do you know what this means, Kevin? No more will the world have to look in two different places for squirrels and provolone cheese. No more will mankind have to pick-  Who could that be?  Why, it's little Eric Cartman."
Cartman,"Dr. Mephesto, I need help."
Dr. Mephesto,"Well of course, come in."
Cartman,"You see, unfortunately I have matured faster than all my friends. I wanna hang out with older friends, but I can't find any, so I was wondering if you could genetically engineer some older friends for me."
Dr. Mephesto,"Oh, Eric, I'm afraid it's not that simple. Genetic engineering has not yet evolved to the state where I can just make people."
Cartman,Damnit! But I wanna hang out with older guys!
Dr. Mephesto,"Oh. Well, I happen to be a member of an organization that can help you. It's called, NAMBLA."
Cartman,NAMBLA?
Dr. Mephesto,Yes. I have been a member for several years. I'm sure they'd let you join. You l-look about right.
Cartman,"Hokay, thanks, Dr. Mephesto!"
Dr. Mephesto,Sure!
Man,"Fellow members of NAMBLA. As you know, hn hn, we continue to be discriminated against. Recently, the FBI has started to arrest men, who are doing nothing more than trying to start a sexual relationship with a young boy."
Members,Awwww.
NAMBLA leader,"And now that all ethnic groups, homosexuals and women's are protected under civil-rights laws,  we want the same!"
Members,Yeah.
Eager Man,Yeh-hehah-hah.
NAMBLA leader,"What we need is proof that young boys want to be members of NAMBLA. That they want love from us. We need a poster child, to show the world that it is a beautiful and wonderful thing and a-  Can we... help you?"
Cartman,Yes. I'd like to join your fine organization. Is that cool?
NAMBLA leader,You... do?
Cartman,Sure.
NAMBLA leader,"Oho, thank you. Thank you, Jesus."
Cartman,...Sweet.
Mrs. McCormick,"Well, Kenny, the doctor confirmed it. I'm pregnant! You're gonna have a little brother or sister."
Kenny,(No!!)
Mrs. McCormick,"Yup, it's for sure!"
Stuart,"And he fixed my shattered left testicle, too!"
Mrs. McCormick,"Don't be out too late, Kenny. We need to start movin' stuff out of your room."
Kyle,"Wow. Your mom's pregnant, Kenny."
Stan,Yeah. Now what are you going to do?
Kenny,(I don't know. But I've gotta think of something.)
Cartman,Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! I got into NAMBLA and you gu-uys didn't!
Kyle,"What are you talking about, fatass?"
Cartman,"Oh, no big deal. I just found a group called NAMBLA with adult members, and they all think that I'm sure mature they want me to be their new poster child is all.  It looks like I'm finally gonna have mature friends who I can relate to. Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! I'm too mature for you guys! Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah!"
Pharmacist,"Can I help you, young lady?"
Kenny,(Yes. I'm looking for some morning-after abortion-)
Pharmacist,"Oh, you want some morning-after abortion pills. Well, they're right over there."
Kenny,(Thanks.)
Pharmacist,"Uh, I'm sorry, young lady, but I can't sell that to you without permission from your parents.  Oh, well, alrighty then. Cash or charge?"
Kenny,(Cash.)
Kenny,"(Look, Mom. I just fixed you a drink.)"
Mrs. McCormick,"Oh, well that's very sweet of you, Kenny. You made my favorite drink for me."
Kenny,(Here.)
Mrs. McCormick,"But unfortunately, now that I'm pregnant, I can't drink."
Kenny,(What?)
Stuart,"Well, I can still drink."
Kenny,(No! Daddy!)
Stuart,"Ogh, that hits the spot. Makes me forget all about my shattered balls.  What? Wwhat's the matter? Uh, why don't you go make me another one of... of...  Who-o-oa."
Mrs. McCormick,What's the matter?
Kenny,(Uh oh.)
Stuart,"Oh, God, I'm gonna crap my pants!"
Stuart,"Oohhh, God!  Oooh, my balls!  Ooh, God"
NAMBLA Member,"Just a few more pictures, Eric. You make a perfect poster child."
Cartman,"Thanks, dude."
NAMBLA leader,"Uh hey, Eric, we have a surprise for you. We want to have a big dinner and dance honoring you as our new poster child."
Cartman,Really? Awesome!
NAMBLA leader,"Yes, and we you to um... invite all your young male friends."
Cartman,"Oh. Well, sure. I have some friends who want to be mature,  excluding Stan and Kyle, of course."
NAMBLA leader,"Great, hnn. You go invite your little friends, and we'll get the hotel ready."
Cartman,KIIICK ASS!
Mrs. McCormick,Kenny?? Don't forget to clean out your room so we can paint it for the baby.
Announcer,"Hey, are you feeling down? You need some excitement. And North Park Funland has just opened its newest ride! The John Denver Experience!  You'll be Rocky Mountain High with this, the most EXTREME, INSANE RIDE EVER BUILT."
Two Guys,It was-
Guy 1,-fun.
Guy 2,-fun.
Announcer,Note: people with heart conditions and expectant mothers should not ride the JOHN DENVER! Open now! Come on down!
Kenny,(Mom!)
Stuart,Are you sure you should be going on this thing?
Mrs. McCormick,"Oh, it's all right.  You know, I think maybe Kenny's been a little worried about the new baby. We have to show him that he's still our little boy."
Operator,"Folks, please keep your hands and arms inside the John Denver Experience at all times. There's no sense in trying to unloop at the latch at any time during the ride here at the John Denver Experience. Have fun."
Stuart,What did he say?  ...John Denver Experience.
Stuart,"Oh, God, my nose! I think I broke my nose!"
Mrs. McCormick,"Come on, Stuart, let's just get you to a bathroom."
Stuart,"Oh, I'm not gonna make it. I'm gonna be sick!  Oh, my stuhomach!  Oh, my nose!  Augh!"
Cartman,"Oh, Stan, Kyle, just the guys I wanted to see! My NAMBLA organization is having a very important benefit in my honor."
Kyle,They are?
Cartman,"We're gonna have a big, mature party at this hotel, and I can invite all my mature friends that I want. And that means I'm gonna invite everybody! Except for you guys! Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah!"
Stan,We don't wanna go to some stupid adult meeting anyway!
Cartman,"Well, that's nice, 'cause you can't go."
Kyle,We don't wanna go!
Cartman,You can't go.
Kyle,We don't WANNA go!
Cartman,"No, you CAN'T go.  Hey, Clyde, Butters, check this out"
Stan,"Dude, maybe we do need to start being more mature."
Kyle,"Yeah. I guess we gotta try to get into that club, too."
Dr. Doctor,"You're doing fine, Ms. McCormick.  It's alright, Kenny. Come see the miracle of life."
Kenny,(Eeww.)
Dr. Doctor,I can see its head!
Ms. McCormick,You can?
Dr. Doctor,"Push, now. Push hard!  Oh my God."
Ms. McCormick,What is it??
Dr. Doctor,It's ali-
Stuart,"Oh my God, it killed Kenny!"
Ms.McCormick,"Bad baby, bad!"
Kenny,(Huh. Huh??)  (That does it!)
Mrs. McCormick,"Oh, hi Kenny. What are ya doin'?  Uh what are you doing, Kenny?  Kenny, what are you going to plunge?"
Kenny,(AAAARRRRHHH!)
Mrs. McCormick,Aaaaaaah!  AAAAA!
Stuart,"Kenny, what the hell are you doing?!"
Cartman,"What the hell?  Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here?! This is for mature people only!"
Stan,"We got invited too, fatass!"
Cartman,"Hunh.  Well, I guess nowadays, they allow any old schmucks into NAMBLA."
NAMBLA Leader,"Fellow NAMBLA members, it is great to see you all here. It seems like we have finally found a city that won't oppress us."
NAMBLA Member,"Oh, yeah."
NAMBLA Leader,"First and foremost, I wanna recognize Eric Cartman, for putting us in touch with all of you pretty, young boys."
Cartman,Thank you. Thank you very much.  Thank you.
NAMBLA Leader,"Now, I know that many of us have already found partners in this fahine city, and I'd like to take a minute to hear some testimonials from members."
Stan,This is boring.
Kyle,"Yeah.  HEY, WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET TO SOME ACTION, HUH?"
Member 1,Ho hohohoho
Member 2,Woohoohoohoohoo.
NAMBLA Leader,"Ho, goodness! What a gift from God! Aha ha, we'll... ""get"" ...to it very soon, I assure you. But first, I'd just like to hear from a couple of you on your progress. Uh yes, Patrick."
Patrick,"Uh I, I found a little eight-year-old named Buttehers. He's a beautiful , bright, little boy."
Butters,"Well, uh I sure am, I guess."
Patrick,And his skin is as soft as fresh linen.
Stan,That seems kind of... weird.
Butters,"Well, my skin is ssspringtime sssoft, I suppose."
NAMBLA Leader,"Wonderful, heh hn. And how about you, Mr. Harris?"
Mr. Harris,"Well, I want to announce that I may have found the dream boy of the decade. He's sexy, sassy, and full of spunk. His name is Timmy."
Timmy,"TIMMMIHH, tih, Timmih?"
NAMBLA Leader,"Wuhell, members, I know we're all eager to get acquainted with our new partners and, so why don't we turn down the lights and start to dance!"
Lead Agent,"Alright, I want those perverted bastards all taken in. Got it?"
Agents,Got it!
Mephesto,"Hello, NAMBLA members. As the South Park representative-"
Lead Agent,Hold it right there!
Agent 1,Freeze!
Agent 2,Don't nobody move!
Mephesto,What's going on?
Lead Agent,"Alright, sickos. Where are the children?!"
Mephesto,What children?
Lead Agent,"This... is... NAMBLA, right?"
Mephesto,Yes.
Lead Agent,The North American Man/Boy Love Association?
Mephesto,What? No!  We're the North American Marlon Brando Look-Alikes.
Blond Agent,"Aw, crap! We got the wrong NAMBLA."
Mr. Garrison,"Aw, damnit, I'm in the wrong place."
Mephesto,Don't tell me that that other NAMBLA is actually in South Park?!
Lead Agent,You know of them?
Blond Member,Know of them? We've been fighting with them for years over the rights to nambla.com!
Brunet Member,"Yeah, those perverted bastards!"
Blond Agent,Wow. You guys really do look a lot like Marlon Brando.
Mephesto,"Thank you. Now, let's go get those other NAMBLA bastards before they hurt any of South Park's children!"
Members,Yeah! Yeah!
Black Member,And let's kick their asses for stealin' our domain name!
Members,Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
NAMBLA Leader,"Alright, members, that's enough of that.  It's time for all of us to retire to our respective rooms, and get to know our new young boys."
Member 3,All right.
Member 4,Alright.
Kyle,Dude. Being mature is boring!
Stan,Yeah.
NAMBLA Leader,"Everyone come up and grab your room keys and we'll head upstairs, hm hm."
The Boys,Aaaaah!
Stan,Dude! I think these guys mean to have sexual encounters with us!
Kyle,"I know, dude! Let's get the hell out of here!"
Stan,"Aah! There's more of them! Quick, hide!"
Mephesto,"Alright, Marlon Brandos, they've got to be here somewhere. Let's try this room."
Lead Agent,Let's get those perverts!
Waiter,Sacrebleu!
The Boys,Whoa!
The Boys and The Brandos,Aaah!
Mrs.McCormick,"Kenny, no! Leave me alone"
Kenny,"(Come here, mom! Let me get it!)"
Stuart,Kenny??
Waiter,"Zis time, I will not drop zeh food.  Allo!"
NAMBLA Leader,It's clear. The cops are gone. Where's the boys?!
Waiter,Sacre bleu!
Mephesto,I think the boys went in here.
The Boys,Aaaaaah!
Timmy,Timmih!
NAMBLA Leader,Maybe the boys are in here. Oh bo-oys?
Mrs. McCormick,"Kenny, GIVE IT UP!"
Kenny,(Come on!)
Waiter,Waaah!
Lead Agent,"Alright, you're under arrest!"
Mephesto,No! You've got the wrong NAMBLA again!
Lead Agent,Damnit!
Agent,"Hey, we didn't try that room!"
Waiter,Sacre bleu.
Kyle,Dude! We're surrounded by perverts.
Cartman,They're all over the place.
Timmy,Timmiihhh!
Token,What are we gonna do?!
Stan,"Well, Cartman, you got everybody into this, you have to figure out a way to get everybody out."
The Boys,Yeah.
Cartman,"Uuh, that's, that's fine. I know how to get us out."
Kyle,How?
Cartman,"Well, look. Those perverts aren't going to rest until they've made love to one of us. Right? So,... somebody's just gonna have to go out there and... take one for the team.  And I think, in all fairness, it should be Butters."
Butters,"Huh?? Uh-uh well, huh, why me?"
Cartman,"Now, are you a team player or not?!"
Butters,"Well, sure, u-uh I'm a team player-uh, I guess."
Cartman,"Well, Butters, there is no I in ""team."""
Butters,Huh-you mean to expect me to go out there and let all those... huhu-horny old men... have their way with my fragile person?? Well just what team is this anyway?!
Cartman,"Just go, Butters. We're running out of time."
Butters,Well uuh-uuh-alright then.
Cartman,"Heh, he's such a dumba-a-ass."
Butters,"Well, alright men. Here, here I come.  I'm ready to take one for the team."
Stuart,"Kenny?! Kenny, I've had enough of your shenanigans!"
NAMBLA Leader,"Oh, one of the boys just came in."
Stuart,"What the-? No, wait, no, WAH, NO, WAAAAAH!"
Mrs. McCormick,"Are you alright, Stuart?"
Stuart,"Don't touch me! I've had my nuts broken, body poisoned, have been made love to in the ass by three dozen 40-year-old men—I just wanna go home and take a, a hot bath!"
Lead Agent,"We've been after you for a long time, buddy! Do you know your rights?"
NAMBLA Leader,"Rights? Does anybody know their rights? You see, I've learned something today.  Our forefathers came to this country because... they believed in an idea. An idea called ""freedom."" They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn't be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where a person can live the way he chooses to live.  You see us as being perverted because we're different from you. People are afraid of us, because they don't understand. And sometimes it's easier to persecute than to understand."
Kyle,Dude. You have sex with children.
NAMBLA Leader,"We are human. Most of us didn't even choose to be attracted to young boys. We were born that way. We can't help the way we are, and if you all can't understand that, well, then, I guess you'll just have to put us away."
Kyle,Dude. You have sex with children.
Stan,"Yeah. You know, we believe in equality for everybody, and tolerance, and all that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you."
Kyle,Seriously.
Lead Agent,"Alright, that's enough. You're all going to be put away for a long time."
Kyle,"Well, Cartman"
Cartman,"Well, what?"
Kyle,Don't you think you owe everyone an apology for bringing NAMBLA here?
The Boys,Yeah!
Cartman,"Alright, alright, I'm sorry I almost got you guys all raped. There."
Stan,"And now, do you still think that you need to hang out with older, mature friends?"
Cartman,"No, I guess you guys will blossom into maturity someday. Just don't take too long."
Paramedic,"Okay, let's roll."
Nurse,"Dr. Flores, dial 18-"
Stuart,"Coo, cootchy-coo, coohoohoohoo, cootchy-coo."
Mrs. McCormick,"Our little angel, yes."
Stuart,"Oh, he's so beautiful. I know it's been hard on both of us losing poor Kenny. But this new baby kind of reminds me of him."
Mrs. McCormick,What should we name him?
Stuart,"Well, seeing as though Kenny passed away, maybe we should name him ah,... Kenny."
Mrs. McCormick,"Yes. Kenny's such a great name. My little Kenny, a brand-new Kenny. (The new Kenny then mumbles)"
Stuart,"God, this must be the fiftieth time this has happened."
Mrs. McCormick,Fifty-second.
Mr. Wyland,"Good morning, children. Mr. Garrison is away today. I am your substitute teacher, Mr. Wyland."
Cartman,"Oh, sweet, dude. Substitute teacher."
Mr. Wyland,"Now, I understand that some students in this class like to mess with substitute teachers.  But if we all behave and respect each other, I'm sure we can make this a fun and productive day. Let's start with roll call. Let's see, mmmmm.  Eric Cartman?"
Stan,Here!
Mr. Wyland,"Alright, and how about Stan Marsh?"
Kenny,(Here.)
Wendy,"It's not that funny, you guys. Jesus."
Mr. Wyland,"Okay, and where iiiiss… Kenny McCormick?"
Cartman,"Here.  Oh, hoho. Ow."
Stan,"Dude, what the hell was that?"
Cartman,"Oh, huh. Oh, geez, you know, when you're laughin' so hard that the milk comes out your nose? Uh ho ho, man!"
Stan,"...Dude, you weren't drinking any milk."
Cartman,Huh?
Stan,You have to be drinking milk for that to happen.
Cartman,"Not with me, man."
Mr. Wyland,"Alright. Look, why don't we skip roll call? Here's what we're gonna do today.  I've been told that one of your classmates has been ill for several days — Kyle Broflovski?"
Stan,He's fakin'!
Mr. Wyland,"Well, I've been told that in Mr. Garrison's absence, our activity for the day is to make a get-well card for Kyle. So I got this large piece of poster board, and we're all gonna come up and use glitter.and glue to decorate it."
The Class,Awww.
Cartman,He's fakin'!
Mr. Wyland,"Kenny, you come and decorate the get-well card, too."
Cartman,But I don't want Kyle to get well. I hate Kyle.
Mr. Wyland,I don't care! Get down here and do it!
Butters,"Hey, watch it!  Hey, what are you doin'?"
Stan,"Now, that's a get-well card!"
Chairman,"Mr. Garrison, after very careful review the school board believes that you should take a... hiatus from teaching. Indefinitely."
Mr. Garrison,What??
Board Member,"Frankly, your conduct has been somewhat disconcerting."
Chairman,Did you know that not one of your students knew who Sam Adams was?
Mr. Garrison,"Well, who cares about a guy that makes beer?! Jesus Christ, I'm trying to teach history!"
Chairman,"...Frankly, Mr. Garrison, it isn't even your educational record that we're most concerned about.  It's your somewhat substantial police record."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, whatever!"
Principal Victoria,"Mr. Garrison, last week's charges of attempting to solicit sex from a minor wa-"
Mr. Garrison,"That was not me, that was Mr. Hat!"
Board Member,"All we're saying is, perhaps you should take a little hiatus from teaching until this little  ""child molestation"" thing dies down a bit."
Mr. Garrison,"Gentlemen, teaching is all I know. It is the air that I breathe."
Chairman,"We're sorry, Mr. Garrison, we have no choice."
Mr. Garrison,Very well. I guess... I'm not a teacher anymore.  I suppose you'll be wanting my badge and gun...
Chairman,"Mr. Garrison, most teachers do not carry a gun!"
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, sorry. So I can keep it then?"
Sheila,"Kyle, Stan and his mother came over to visit you."
Sharon,"Hello, sweetie."
Stan,"Dude, you can stop faking now. We got a substitute teacher.  Kyle?"
Sheila,They say it's his kidneys. Kyle always has been a diabetic and lately his kidneys have just been shutting down.
Sharon,"Well, the kids at school made you a card, Kyle. Look."
Stan,"Go on, Butters!"
Butters,"Ho, I don't wanna!"
Stan,"Butters, go on!"
Butters,"Oh, uhuh alright, then. We're so sorry you're not feeling well.We hope you're better soon.So we're bringing you some sunshineBy, um, singing you this tune:Everybody misses youAnd though we hate to cause a fussWe'd like to say, ""Get well soon!""And ""Please don't die on us."""
Stan,"Dude, you really are sick, huh?"
Kyle,"I don't know, I..."
Sheila,"I don't know what to do, Sharon. They wanna have him go into surgery, but they're so dangerous."
Sharon,"Sheila, have you tried holistic natural medicines? They work wonders. I read all about in People."
Sheila,Really? In People?
Sharon,"There's a brand-new shop in town that sells holistic medicines and all-natural foods. It's run by this fascinating woman named ""Miss Information."""
Sheila,"Oh, well, with a name like ""Miss Information"" she must know something."
Sharon,Why don't we at least take Kyle down there and see what she has to say.
Sheila,Okay. I'll get our coats.
Butters,Can I go now?
Mr. Garrison,"I don't know what I'm goin' tuh do, Mackey. Teaching is all I know."
Mr. Mackey,"Okay, well, maybe you need to view this as a chance to do something you've always wanted to do."
Mr. Garrison,I've always wanted to write a novel.
Mr. Mackey,"Well, there you go, m'kay?"
Mr. Garrison,But I never know what to write about.
Mr. Mackey,Well that's easy. Write about what you know. Write about what you love. What do you love most?
Mr. Garrison,Besides teaching?
Mr. Mackey,Yes.
Mr. Garrison,...Poontang.
Mr. Mackey,"M, m'kay"
Mr. Garrison,"I can't help it. I'm a womanizer sometimes, I know, but I just think that... taking a woman home and getting some hot poon is about the greatest thing in the world."
Mr. Mackey,"Well that settles it, Mr. Garrison. What you need to do is go write a great romance novel."
Mr. Garrison,"Yes, that's it.  I am going to write the Great American Romance Novel!"
Miss Information,"You see, the reason our body is stale is because of toxins."
Sheila,Toxins?
Miss Information,"All the horrible food we eat—the sodas and meats are filled with toxins, and the only way for us to get better is to flush those toxins out of our system. Western medicine is so quick to cut and carve up, but all your son needs is a toxin-flushing diet of lemon juice and cayenne pepper."
Sharon,"Wow, that's amazing, Miss Information!"
Sheila,"You hear that, Kyle? You don't need surgery after all."
Stan,"Uh excuse me, but, what do these toxins look like?"
Miss Information,What?
Stan,"Wuh, have you ever actually seen a toxin?"
Sharon,"Don't be a smartass, Stanley."
Miss Information,"Mrs. Broflovski, I would like to give your son herbs that focus on the kidney. I have these excellent herbs from local Native Americans."
Sharon,"Ooo, Native Americans. Now, they know how to heal the body spiritually."
Mr. Garrison,"Out on the balcony, when Reginald kissed Diana's lips, her knees went weak. Slowly, he pulled her top down, exposing her soft, unyielding breastsOh yeah, now this is getting good Just the sight of those breasts made Reginald's penis very hard.His penis was of considerable size, and now beads of sweat slowly ran down hispenis, making it glisten like a strong swimmer fresh from out of the pool. It was a fantastic penis, that seemed as strong as a horse's leg, yet as delicate as a flower wrapped in silk. What a grand, grand penis. Diana's nipplesUh, let's see...  Diana's nipples...  Oh, writer's block, writer's block! Hmmm. Crap! I'm stuck.  Oh well, maybe that's enough writing for today, Mr. Hat."
Mrs. Tweak,"Oh my, he looks terrible."
Blonde Mother,"Yes, poor little dear."
Miss Information,"Good morning, everyone."
Blonde Mother,"Oh, thanks for coming, Miss. Information. Kyle seems to be getting worse."
Miss Information,"Huuuuuuuuuh  Oh, I don't agree. He seems much better."
Sheila,Really?
Stan,What?
Miss Information,"Yes, his chi is flowing much nicer than yesterday, and his aura is lighter."
Sharon,"Oh, that's great news!"
Sheila,Oh no!
Miss Information,"Nono, that's good. Those are the toxins flushing out of the system."
Sharon,Ooooo.
Stan,Those aren't toxins. That's the bean with bacon soup he ate half an hour ago.
Sharon,"Stanley, what did I say about being a smartass?!"
Stan,Don't be a smartass?
Miss Information,"Now, don't be fooled. As Kyle's body sheds itself more and more of all the toxins he will appear to be getting worse, but actually, he is getting better!"
Sheila,"Wow. Well, I am on natural medicines. If only I had known sooner."
Other mothers,I agree. Yeah. That's right.
Nurse,Mr. Marsh is here to see you.
Dr. Doctor,"Alright, send him in.  Oh, Stanley."
Stan,"Hi, doctor."
Dr. Doctor,How can I help you?
Stan,"Well, it's my friend, Kyle. I think he's really, really sick."
Dr. Doctor,"He is really, really sick, Stanley. I was seeing him last week when he first got ill, but unfortunately his mother has decided to put all her trust into holistic medicine."
Stan,But I don't think it's working.
Dr. Doctor,"Alright, Stanley, I'm going to be very honest with you. Your little friend Kyle needs a kidney transplant. Or it is very possible that... he will die."
Stan,Die? But... Kyle's my best friend. In the whole world.
Dr. Doctor,"I know this is a lot to lay on someone your age, but... the rest of the town is so gung-ho in New Age medicine that I have nowhere else to turn."
Stan,"...I'll give Kyle my kidney, even if it hurts a whole lot; I don't care."
Dr. Doctor,"That's very brave, Stan, but I've already checked my records, and you and Kyle aren't a match for kidneys. In fact,  there's only one person in South Park with the same blood type as Kyle."
Stan,"Who?  Oh, shit."
Kenny,"(Rrrrooowwwrrr, rroowwrr, pew, pew, POW.)"
Cartman,"""Coming in for attack, Captain."" Pipew, pipipew  Give me the space cruiser, Kenny."
Kenny,"(No, no.)"
Cartman,"Come on, Kenny, you have to give me the subspace cruiser  so I can destroy the Gengrins on Crespus 5."
Kenny,"(Unngh. Stop, no! No, it's mine!)  (There! It's mine!)"
Cartman,"No, mine. M'yah!  Ha haa ha! I broke your space cruiser, Kenny! Ha haa, ha ha ha  bluh oh, ha-ow!"
Liane,"Ooh, sweetums, did you laugh too hard again?"
Cartman,Yeah.
Liane,"Well, some more of your little friends are here to play with you."
Cartman,"Okay, mom."
Liane,And don't get too close to Kyle. He looks like he might have the AIDS.
Cartman,"What's goin' on, guys?"
Stan,"Cartman, we have to ask you a question. A very serious question."
Cartman,Oh-kay.
Stan,"Kyle's in trouble, Cartman. I can see him getting worse right before my eyes. There might be a way that you... can save his life."
Cartman,Uh huh.
Stan,What Kyle really needs... is a new kidney.
Cartman,"Oh, I think I see where this is going."
Stan,"His mom is trying all this Eastern medicine and New Age bullcrap on him, but its obviously not working."
Cartman,"Stan, why don't you just ask the question?"
Stan,Alright. Will you donate one of your kidneys to Kyle?
Cartman,"No no, no no, no!No no, no no, no!"
Stan,"But you only need one, fat boy!"
Cartman,"No no, no no, nono no!Nonono, no no!"
Stan,"Dude, one of your friends is goin' tuh die! Don't you see how serious this is?!"
Kenny,(It's not that's fucking serious.)
Cartman,"Well, perhaps I could see my way to giving up a kidney. For a price."
Stan,Oh my God!
Kyle,How much?
Cartman,"I don't know. How much is your life worth to you, Kyle?"
Stan,"Cartman, you are so going to hell when you die!"
Cartman,"Yes, well, until then, I need about ten million dollars."
Kenny,(Ten million dollars??)
Stan,"What the hell would you do with ten million dollars, fatass?!"
Cartman,"What I intend to do with the money is not an issue, is it? I suggest you start looking for that money quickly. Kyle doesn't seem to have much time. Tick-tock. Tick-tock."
Stan,"Come on, Kyle. Let's get out of here."
Cartman,"Okay. Where were we, Kenny? Oh yeah.  ""Quick, Captain, we must destroy the Gengrin across the fire."" Give me the space cruiser. Give it, Kenny. M'yah!"
Man 1,"Ooo, free-range aspirin!"
Man 2,All-natural cell phones!
Miss Information,"Oh, look everyone. These are our two resident Native Americans. Chief Running Pinto, and Carlos Ramirez."
Man 3,Ooo.
Man 4,I'd like to buy some more stuff.
Man 5,"Come in. Come here, guys."
Man 6,Do you have any new holistic items for sale?
Carlos Ramirez,"Oohh, oh yeah. Aah...  Here, uh, this is a- uhh, dream...catcher."
Woman 1,"Oh, a dreamcatcher. I'll buy one."
Chief Running Pinto,"Yeah. And these here are Cherokee hair tampons. They're, like, tampons made with all-natural hair from the Cherokee people."
Sharon,"Ooh, a tampon made from Cherokee hair—now that sounds natural."
Miss Information,Native Americans are more in tune with the earth than we are.
Chief Running Pinto,"Oh yeah. We love the earth, man."
Carlos Ramirez,"Oh yeah, the earth is great."
Miss Information,Mrs. Broflovski's son is a little sick. Perhaps she could bring him in tomorrow and you could give him some spiritual healing.
Chief Running Pinto,"Oh, sure. We could do that, man. We'll give him, like, a, a brain enema, or somethin'."
Carlos Ramirez,"uh'hm, ho ho hm."
Sheila,Wonderful!
Miss Information,Why don't you follow me over to the cash register and I'll take a deposit.
Man 7,D'you have anymore stuff to sell? We wanna buy more stuff.
Man 8,"Yes. Much, much more stuff."
Chief Running Pinto,"Sure, uh, we just gotta go back to our truck- I'm, I mean our horses and grab some more junk.  Come on."
Miss Information,"Good-bye, Native Americans. The spirit of Maya is with you."
Carlos Ramirez,Oh yah. You too and junk.
Chief Running Pinto,"That's funny, man."
Sharon,"Oh hi, Stanley. Look, I'm buying you some more all-natural toothpaste."
Stan,You mean the stuff that tastes like ass and doesn't fight cavities?
Sharon,That's right.
Stan,"Look, um... I know that you all think the earth and its natural healing powers can cure Kyle, but... the doctor at the hospital told me it can't."
Miss Information,"Well, of course the doctor told you that, because he wants to make money. Holistic medicine is about NATURE.  Two-hundred and thirty-three dollars."
Sheila,"Everything's going to be fine, Stan. We're bringing Kyle in tomorrow to see the Native Americans personally."
Stan,Isn't it possible that these Indians don't know what they're talking about?
Sharon,"You watch your mouth, Stanley! The Native Americans were raped of their land and resources by white people like us!"
Stan,And that has something to do with their medicines because...?
Sharon,"Enough, Stanley!"
Stan,"Nobody wants to listen, Kenny."
Kenny,(I know.)
Stan,"I don't know what else to do. I mean, he could die, Kenny. And that means we'd never see him again."
Kenny,(Uh huh.)
Stan,"I guess maybe I've always taken friends for granted, like they'd always be there. If a friend died, I don't know what I'd do.  Well, I'm not just gonna stand here and watch my friend die. Kenny, go round up all the kids in town who want to help Kyle! Round them up and meet me at the bus stop at 7:30! Kyle's gonna live!"
Kenny,(Rrrh!)
Mr. Garrison,"Chapter 18.Diana had never slept with another woman before, but it was an erotic thought she often fantasized about.Oh yeah, Mr. Hat. Hot lesbo scene comin' up!And as Rebecca's naked body lay before her, Diana couldn't help but feel aroused.  ""Go on"", Rebecca said softly, ""Touch me."" Diana leaned down slowly and brushed Rebecca's bare stomach with her fingertips... It felt good. Like a penis. A soft, but sturdy penis that felt warn to the touch. In Rebecca's mind, she suddenly felt like she was surrounded by penises. They were all around her, flopping all around and slapping her face. It was as if she were in a redwood forest of penises.They presented themselves tall and mighty all around her, with...Mr. Hat, what the hell are you doing?!  Oh, Mr. Hat!"
Stan,"Come on, where are they?"
Stan,This is it??
Kenny,(Uh huh)
Timmy,Timmiiihh!
Stan,This is everyone that wanted to help Kyle??
Butters,"Well, Clyde was gonna come too, but he, he said his mom was makin' tacos for dinner and Clyde likes tacos a whole lot."
Stan,"Jesus Christ! Alright, Butters, you take this medical book, and everyone follow me!"
Butters,"Huh, where are we goin'?"
Stan,We're gon' tuh take Cartman's kidney.
Daughter,Mom... Do you ever have those heavy flow days?
Mother,"Oh absolutely sweetheart, everybody does."
Daughter,"Mom, remember the movie The Shining where the elevator doors are opening up.."
Mother,Oh honey what you need is a more absorbent tampon.
Daughter,Like what?
Mother,"Well, what's the most absorbent thing in the world?"
Daughter,Well... Cherokee hair I guess.   But what does that have to do with me?
Mother,"Because now there is all new, natural Cherokee hair tampons. ."
Female announcer,A cotton tampon can hold only so much liquid. Other tampons also come up short. But Cherokee hair has been known for ages to be strong and powerful Each tampon is hand woven from over 200 strands of Cherokee hair and then bound together with these decorative native beads.
Daughter,You were right mom! All natural Cherokee hair tampons really did the trick.
Mother,And when you're done using them  they make a great toy for Jessie.  Go get it boy!
Jessie,Grrr... grrrr
Chief Running Pinto (Tommy Chong in his stoner voice),"Let the wonders and the mysteries of our people, like, change the way you think about tampons."
Cartman,No! NO! Hip- hippies all around me. Help! Mommy! Huhuhippies!
Stan,"Okay, it's clear.  Okay. Me and Butters are gonna go up and take Cartman's kidney out of him. Kenny, you stay here and guard his mom's door here with Timmy."
Timmy,Timmiihh!
Stan,Sshhh!
Timmy,Timmiihh.
Stan,"If she hears him screaming, or comes out or anything, just... stall her. Alright?"
Kenny,(Okay)
Timmy,Timmiihh.
Stan,"Alright Butters, let's go.  Uh-oh, Cartman's pig.  Sshh, good pig. Good pig. Goood pig. Sshh. Okay.  Come on, we gotta get outta here!  Oh, no!"
Butters,"Oh well, we're busted."
Cartman,"Shut up, Fluffy!"
Stan,"Oh, phew."
Cartman,"Hippies. Hi-i-ippies. They're everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad. He-elp!"
Stan,"Okay, here we go.  Okay, let's see. Looks like if we cut here, and here..."
Butters,I hope it's not too bloody; I'm wearin' my favorite pants.
Stan,"...vein right, well-  Well, here goes nothing. Help me pull his pajamas up.  No way! Kidney Blocker 2000?!"
Cartman,"whatwhatwhatwhat?  Oh, it's Stan and Butters! Trying to take my kidney, are you?!"
Stan,"You suck, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Maybe so, but at least I was smart enough to wear a Kidney Blocker 2000!"
Stan,"God-dammit, don't you care that Kyle is gonna die?!"
Cartman,I do! I do care! Look how much.  Look. Look how much I care.
Publisher,"First and foremost, Mr. Garrison, I would like to thank you for choosing Harequin Romance."
Mr. Garrison,"Yeahyeahyeah. So, did you read the book?"
Publisher,"Uh yes, Mr. Garrison, we did read your book."
Mr. Garrison,"Well, what did you think?"
Publisher,"Well, uh, frankly, Mr. Garrison, n-we don't know if the Harequin Romance label is appropriate for you."
Mr. Garrison,"Ooohhh, why not??"
Publisher,"Mr. Garrison, uh... are you aware that the word ""penis"" occurs six-thousand and eighty-three times in your novel?"
Mr. Garrison,"Well, I'm sure there's lots of naughty words. It is a romance novel."
Publisher,"Nnnno, I don't think that this book really qualifies as a ""romance novel."""
Mr. Garrison,No?
Publisher,"No. No, this is what we in the book-publishing business like to call... gay. Really, really gay."
Mr. Garrison,What the hell are you talkin' about?!
Publisher,It's just that the focus really seems to be on the... male organs.
Mr. Garrison,"Well, I thought it was mostly women that read these things!"
Publisher,It is.
Mr. Garrison,"Well, women want to read about ding-dongs! D'you think women care about the details of female anatomy?! Hell no! Women wanna read about big, powerful schlongs!  Look, I've seen women read these things. They skim along and skim along until they get to the part about the penis! That's what they want, so that's what I'm giving them!"
Publisher,Hmmm.
Stan,"There's nothing more I can do, Kenny. I've tried everything to save Kyle. Holistic medicine is gonna kill my friend!"
Kenny,(You never seem to care when I die!)
Stan,"My friend is gonna die! He's gonna die and there's nothing I can do about it.  Oh, God, he's my best friend..."
Kenny,"(Well now, that does it! I have had enough of this bullshit! Screw you, Stan. I'm going home!)"
Mover,Look out!  Oops.
Stan,Awgh! I'll never see Kyle again!
Mrs.Tucker,"Four dozen Cherokee hair tampons, please."
Chief Running Pinto,"No problem, man. Pay Miss Information up front."
Man 7,"Hi, uh, I have a little bit of pain in my balls whenever I watch VH1."
Carlos Ramirez,"Oh, here, try this, man. Ah, this is allll-naturalll ball juice."
Man 7,"Wow, I feel better already!"
Miss Information,And next we have Mrs. Broflovski's son.
Sheila,"Okay, here he is."
Chief Running Pinto,"Ahahem, that kid looks really sick."
Miss Information,Yes. He really needs his toxins flushed again.
Chief Running Pinto,"No. I mean, he looks REALLY sick, man. You should take him to, like, a doctor."
Customers,Hmm?
Sheila,But you're more in touch with the earth.
Chief Running Pinto,"Look, bein' in touch with the earth has nothing to do with dyin', man."
Sharon,It's okay. We trust that you know what you're doing.
Carlos Ramirez,"No, man, that kid needs a doctor! And besides, we're not actually Native Americans. I mean, I'm- I'm more like a- a Mexican."
Customers,What?!
Man,Hu-uh?!
Carlos Ramirez,Yeah. A Mexican.
Man 7,"Uugh.  Ptu, ptu."
Man 8,I didn't know that.
Gerald,Oh my God!
Sharon,How dare you deceive us like that!
Chief Running Pinto,"Hey, we never said we were Native Americans, man. Miss Information said that."
Carlos Ramirez,Yeah. She said nobody would buy anything from Mexicans.
Miss Information,"Uh, toxins are your enemy."
Woman 1,Kill her!
Carlos Ramirez,Funny.
Stan,So NOW can we take Kyle to the hospital?
Sheila,"Yes, of course, but we don't have a kidney donor!"
Stan,"That's alright. If you'll all help, I think I have a plan."
Cartman,"Oohh, morning, hum, hmyeah. HWAA!  That son of a bitch!"
Cartman,"Okay, asshole! Give me back my kidney!"
Stan,"Dude, please. Kyle needs it."
Cartman,"It's MINE! Not yours, MINE! Give it back right now, or there's gonna be HELL to pay!"
Stan,"Alright, alright, here."
Cartman,"Thank you. And you'd better hope to God it still works, just like it did before."
Nurse,"Doctor, Eric Cartman is here-"
Dr. Doctor,"Why, hello there, Eric."
Cartman,"You see that?! That's MINE! My asshole friend Stan took my kidney, and I need it put back in!  Please."
Dr. Doctor,"Oh, I see.  Are you sure that now that it's already out, you don't wanna just let your friend Kyle have it?"
Cartman,"No. Because. It doesn't belong to Kyle, it belongs to me! It's MINE!"
Dr. Doctor,"Well, alright then. We'll get you prepped for surgery.  If you'll just sign this release."
Cartman,Thank you.
Sheila,"How are you feeling, boubbie?"
Kyle,"Better, thanks."
Stan,You look a lot better.
Sharon,"Yeah, it looks like Western medicine really did the trick."
Kyle,"Hey, thanks for going through all that to save my life, Stan."
Stan,"Dude, you're my best friend. I don't want you to die until I do."
Chief Running Pinto,"Yeah.  Hey, man, we're glad you're getting better, too."
Cartman,"Heh. Hey, what what's going on?"
Stan,"Kyle's all better, Cartman, thanks to you!"
Cartman,Huh?
Stan,"It was all a trick. Your mom undid the kidney blocker, and then we put ketchup on your bed so you'd think we took your kidney."
Dr. Doctor,"Yes, but it was all a trick to get you to come in and sign this release."
Liane,"Isn't that funny, sweetie?"
Cartman,Aarrrrrr! I am SO PISSED OFF!
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, here's everybody."
Stan,"Hey, Mr. Garrison. Where have you been?"
Mr. Garrison,"Boys, I have an announcement to make: I'm not gonna be your teacher anymore. I've become a best-selling author! And Kyle, I want you to have a signed copy as a get-well present."
Kyle,Oh. ...Thanks?
Cartman,I swear I'm gonna kill you guys!!
Stan,"Careful, Cartman, you might pop your stitches."
Kyle,Huh?  What the?
Cartman,"Oh good, you got the crappy kidney."
Mayor,"Gentlemen, I understand you are here to present both sides of an issue. I wanna hear you both out and do this in a civil and constructive manner so that I can give you both the time and attention you deserve. Jimbo, why don't you begin?"
Jimbo,"Mayor, it's about the South Park flag."
Mayor,"Oh, Jesus Christ, not this again!"
Jimbo,"We cannot change the South Park flag, Mayor!"
Chef,"Mayor, as I've said before, I find that flag to be racist and insensitive!"
Jimbo,"Chef, I respect you very much, but you have to understand that this has been the South Park flag since some of our ancestors, like my great-grandfather, founded this land!"
Chef,That flag represents a time when blacks were persecuted by whites! How can a black man not be bothered by it?!
Mayor,"Ahalright, Chef, I'll have my assistants hold up the flag.  and you tell me what exactly you find racist about it."
Chef,You don't see anything wrong with that flag?!
Jimbo,"Chef, what about the baseball team, the Cleveland Indians, huh? Should they change their name because it's racist?"
Chef,Yeah!
Jimbo,"No, because it's their history!"
Chef,"Look, I have gone to every quiet protest I could! I have written everyone; I've put up signs! But now I'm telling you , THIS FLAG WILL BE CHANGED!"
Jimbo,And I'm telling you it WON'T!
Mayor,"Oh, boy."
Mr. Wyland,"Okay, children, in Mr. Garrison's absence, I would like to turn the class's attention to current issues. Some people think the South Park flag should be changed, while others believe that changing the flag is wrong. I think this is a perfect subject for your debate club."
Class,Aaaaah!
Mr. Wyland,"I see that you've already had a lot of interesting debates this year.  Pro-Choice vs. Cartman, Pro-Gun Control vs. Cartman, a-and People Against the Clubbing of Baby Seals vs. Cartman. And apparently, the winner of all your debates so far has been… Cartman."
Cartman,Thaaat's ri-ight.
Kyle,Cartman doesn't always win! He just gets pissed off and goes home so we can't debate anymore!
Class,Yeah.
Cartman,Nah-ah! I'm just a better debater than you guys!
Stan,You don't even know what you're debating about half the time!
Cartman,Yes I do!
Craig,No you don't!
Cartman,"Oh yeah?! Well, screw you guys, I'm going home!"
Kyle,Told ya.
Mr. Wyland,"Alright, children, well, unlike Mr. Garrison, I want you all to go out and research this debate before we pick teams. Tomorrow, you'll need to choose which side of this poignant debate you are on."
Jimbo,"This is about history, kids.  If you don't have respect for your past, then you can never expect to- BIRD!  -then you can never expect to have a future. Nowadays, everyone wants to change mascots and flags because they're not  ""politically correct."" Well, where does it end? I mean, people are gonna start sayin' that the Denver Broncos are offensive to horses. And then we'll have to- a SQUIRREL!  And then we'll have to change everything, and pretty soon all our history will be forgotten. But to REALLY understand the South Park's flag's importance, you need to know about South Park's history. Ned here's a big history buff, and he can tell you the whole story. Ned?"
Ned,"Nnneh, in 1867, fourteen pioneers from the East Coast traveled across the Plains-"
Stan,"Uh that, that's okay, dude, I think we got it."
Kyle,"Yeah, we got it."
Jimbo,You sure?
"Stan, Kyle",Yup.
Jimbo,"You boys go make me proud now and win that debate- Chris Peterson!  God-damnit, we missed him again!"
Chef,"Sign up to join me, and come marching to the Mayor's office in protest of the South Park flag!  You see that, children?! Nobody wants to get involved!  Randy! Sign up to march with me against the South Park flag on Wednesday?"
Randy,"Oh, uuhh, look, Chef, you know I'm-m not a racist, but uh, I just don't really feel strongly one way or another about the flag."
Chef,"Well, alright, Marsh, you're entitled to your own opinion.  That's how it is in this town. I haven't gotten one signature on this damn sheet, and I've been here all day!"
Wendy,"We'll march with you, Chef."
Chef,"That's nice, but I need the support of some registered voters.  Ey, Mackey! Sign up to march on Wednesday?"
Mr. Mackey,"Oo, Wednesday? Uh-Wednesday's tough. I guess- maybe I could do somthin' uh, Thursday afternoon."
Chef,"Alright, fudge it, Thursday. Anyone else wanna go Thursday?"
Principal Victoria,"Thursday's no good, we've got choir council."
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, yeah."
Principal Victoria,What about next Sunday?
Chef,Fine! Next Sunday!
Man 1,"You mean, during the ball game?"
Man 2,"Oh, yeah. We can't do Sunday."
Chef,Monday??
Principal Victoria,"Oh, I can't do Monday."
Man 3,I could do Tuesday.
Mr. Mackey,"Yeah, Tuesday morning's good."
Man 1,You know what would be better for me is Saturday afternoon.
Man 2,Saturday is perfect for me.
Principal Victoria,Yeah. How about Saturday at 11:30?
Man 3,Mm hmm.
"Man 2, Woman 2",Yeah.
Man 1,Yeah.
Man 3,That sounds good.
Man 2,Mm hmm.
Mr. Mackey,"Yeah, I think that's the best day."
Chef,"Okay! On Saturday, we march!"
Man 2,"Oh, march? What are we marching for?"
Chef,To bring down the South Park Flag!
Man 2,…Oh.
Man 3,"Oohh, I gotta go."
Man 1,I know what I may like. I don't like marching
Woman 2,"Uh, marching's really not for me."
Man 2,See you later.
Mr. Wyland,"Well I've counted up all your secret ballots, children, and it look like about half of you think the flag should stay, and half think the flag should be changed."
Wendy,How could any of you think that flag should stay the way it is?!
Mr. Wyland,"Save it for the debate, Wendy. Now I'm going to assign the debate leaders. Who wants to lead the ""Flag Should Stay The Way It Is"" team?"
"Stan, Kyle",Me. Me. Me. Me.
Wendy,Stan?! How could you be so insensitive?!
Stan,"Whoa, dude, I don't see anything wrong with that flag."
Kyle,"Yeah, me neither."
Mr. Wyland,"Alright. Stan and Kyle,  you can both be the team leaders for the ""Flag should stay the way it is"" team.  Now, who wants to lead the ""Flag should be changed"" team?  Okay, Wendy and Eric can team up."
Wendy,Nooo!
Mr. Wyland,"Alright, children. Do your homework, and let's get ready for a great debate!"
"Stan, Kyle","Hello, Chef."
Chef,"My name isn't Chef anymore, children. I've converted to Islam."
Stan,Islam??
Chef,"From now on, my name is  Abdul Mohammed Jabar  Rauf Kareem Ali.  With everyone in town so insensitive about the flag, I find it no longer fitting to use my slave name!"
Stan,"Well, we need help with our debate club. We have to explain why we think the flag should not be changed."
Chef,You WHAT?!  You don't think they should change the flag?!
Kyle,Not really.
Stan,"Yeah, we don't see what the big deal is."
Chef,"Well, that figures you don't! Because your cracker-ass parents turned you into little cracker-ass cracker-racists! I never thought I'd live to see this many of the people I considered friends turn against me!"
Stan,"But Chef, we don't know what you're talking about."
Chef,"But nothin'!  ""But"" my ass! Fix your own damn food!"
Wendy,"Okay. Now, in order for us the debate to change the South Park flag, we will need to do a lot of research. Now, my plan is to divide up into three research teams. We will present our arguments based on things that w-"
Cartman,"It's okay, I'm here."
Wendy,Nice of you to show up! We were just discussing how we should state our case.
Cartman,"Yes. This is a difficult case. In order to win the debate, we will need to attack Stan and Kyle's credibility."
Wendy,What??
Cartman,"That's how you win these things: attack your opponents' credibility!  Butters! Take some kids and go dig up whatever dirt you can on Kyle's past. I'm talkin' booby magazines, whatever."
Butters,Wwuhuh-o-kay!
Cartman,"The rest of you, go get the goods on Stan! His mom grounded him once for setting something on fire. Let's find out what that something was, and then lie and say it was a puppy."
Clyde,Right.
Cartman,Mmmm.
Wendy,"Cartman, we can't just attack Stan and Kyle's credibility. We need to present our side of the debate."
Cartman,"You're right. We'll need to look like we prepared a case, too, so that they look all the weaker. Good plan. Sooo, what's the issue again?"
Wendy,The South Park flag!
Cartman,"Interesting. Aaand, what side are we on?"
Wendy,D'aaaaahhh!
Cartman,"Whoa! Calm down, ho."
Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing out front of the South Park Mayor's Office, where both sides of this debate have gathered."
Chef,Change the flag!
Jimbo,Don't change history!
Mayor,"Oh brother, what now?!"
Chef,Change the flag! Change the flag!…
Reporter,"Earlier, the South Park townspeople voiced their opinion."
Man 4,"Well, I think the flag is racist!  Huh, but then again, it is part of our history."
Man 5,"Well, I guess the flag is part of history, …but I can see how it is racist."
Man 6,I think it is history. I think it is racist.
Reporter,"Well, one things for sure, tensions are high and pressure is mounting on the South Park Mayor to do something."
Chef,"…Change the flag! Change the flag! Change the flag! Change the flag!  In the 1960s there was a monk  who set himself on fire to protest! You have left me no choice!  To protest your lack of humanity, I will now do the same thing!"
Monk,Huh! Haaaaaaaaaaaah!
The KKK,White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power!
Reporter,"What's this? Uh, Tom, it looks as if the KKK have shown up to express their opinion."
KKK Leader,"Hello, brother.  We are here to support your noble cause."
Jimbo,"Huh? Uh hey now, uh. We don't want your support. We're not racists; this is about history."
Ned,Yeah.
KKK Leader,"Well, whether you want our support or not, we're on your side!"
The KKK,White Power! White Power!  White Power! White Power!  White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power!
Sheila,"Mr. Garrison, you're a Klan member?"
Mr. Garrison,"NO, no,  but Mr. Hat is."
Mr. Garrison,White Power! White Power!
Mr. Garrison,"Ogh! You're such a racist bastard, Mr. Hat."
The KKK,White Power!
Chef,Change the flag!
Jimbo,Don't change history!
Mayor,"Ooh, Jesus. What a mess."
Mayor,"Chef, we realize that you find the South Park flag racist, and we certainly understand your case.  We have been diligently working on this problem, put in a lot of hours, and we have finally altered the flag in a way that we think will make you very happy. Gentlemen?  There. Is that better?"
Chef,"No, damnit!"
Mayor,"No, but look! He's got a little smile now!  See? He's happy. Much better, don't you think?  Well, some people just won't work with you at all. This is getting out of hand. How do I absolve myself of an responsibility with this?"
Johnson,"Mayor, the-ee South Park Elementary children are discussing the flag issue in their debate club on Friday."
Assistant,We… could use the debate as an excuse to hold a vote on the issue.
Mayor,"Yes, of course. Let the children be responsible. Everybody loves children. Tell the press. South Park Elementary will be holding a vote on Friday!"
Wendy,"This might come in handy. It says here that recently a case was brought before the South Carolina Court about their flag, and they-"
Cartman,"I warn you, Bog Monster! Do not mock Captain Candycone! O yeah?! How would you like I should kick you in the nuts?!"
Wendy,If we could show a parallel between the South Carolina case-
Cartman,Ugh. Oh yeah?! I'll kick you in the nuts! Ugh. I'll kick you in the nuts! I'll kick you in the nuts!
Wendy,"Cartman, why don't you just go home?! You aren't helping any!"
Cartman,You won't let me help.
Wendy,"That's because you're stupid, and you're a racist!"
Cartman,"…Touché. But dude, you might as well let me help you. We're in this together. I mean, just… tell me what to do, and I'll do it.  Wendih, let Cartman help. Seriouslih.  Wendih. Seriouslih.  The Bog Monster speaketh."
Kyle,"Okay. since my dad's a lawyer, he says we can use any of his books we want.  Who wants to read them?"
Stan,"Come on, you guys. We all have to work on this!"
Kyle,"Kenny, how many of my dad's mints are you gonna eat? Jesus!"
Kenny,(Plenty. This is 'cause my family's poor.)
Kyle,"I know your family's poor, but you can't just eat an entire bowl of mints for dinner."
Kenny,"(Ah, fuck you!)"
Stan,"I don't think we stand a chance in this debate, 'cause Wendy's leading the other side."
Kyle,"Dude, you're just saying that because she's your girlfriend."
Kenny,"(Hey, can I have a drink of water?)"
Kyle,"Yeah, you can have a drink of water. The dispenser's over there."
Stan,"Yeah, you must be thirsty after eating 60 mints."
Gerald,"Hey, boys, how's the research coming?"
Kyle,"Pretty good, I guess."
Stan,Do you think they should change the flag?
Gerald,"Oh, uuhh. I don't know."
Kyle,"Kenny ate all the mints, dad."
Gerald,"Oh, those weren't mints, those were antacid tablets."
Kyle,Oh.
"Stan, Kyle",Kenny!
Kenny,(What?)  (Oh oooooooOOOOOOOH!)
Stan,That was a good one.
The KKK,White Power! White Power!
KKK Leader,Do not change the flag! It is a symbol of white power!
The KKK,White Power!
Mr. Garrison,"Oohh, I'm sorry, Chef. Mr. Hat is a racist son of a bitch."
Mr. Garrison,Don't apologize for me to that spearchucker!
Mr. Garrison,Dugh!  Ogh. Waaaaah!
Chef,How can you all just stand by and let these racists do this?!
Officer Barbrady,"Well, Chef, it's freedom of speech. We don't like it, but we can't arrest them for talking."
Reporter,Should the Klan be allowed to rally on the steps of the Capitol? Here's what some people think.
Man 7,"Well, I think they are racist, but I… do think freedom of speech is important."
Man 8,"Well, I, for one, believe in freedom of speech. …Mmm but then again, I think they are racist."
Man 9,"Well, I believe that they are racist, but I do believe that all-"
Chef,"Aw, the hell with all of you indecisive bastards!"
Reporter,"On Friday, South Park Elementary will present its debate, and after the debate, there will finally be a vote. Preliminary polls show three in favor of changing the flag, three against changing the flag, and 4382 undecided. Z So the pressure in on those South Park kids!"
KKK Leader,"Well, that's enough rallying for this afternoon, members. Let's take a hot shower!"
The KKK,Hot shower! Hot shower! Hot shower!
Jimbo,"Ned, nobody's gonna vote for our side if it's the side those KKK members are on. Come on, we gotta put a stop to them."
Wendy,"I can't believe it. All the pressure's on us. I mean, this debate is going to actually affect the outcome of the vote."
Cartman,Uh huh.
Wendy,"Oh man, we've got to come up with rebuttals to the history argument."
Cartman,Why don't we just talk about the swastika?
Wendy,Huh?
Cartman,"I mean, Germany was united under the swastika, right? But,… obviously history wasn't as important as changing the views after the war and stuff, so hey changed it."
Wendy,"Hey, that's a pretty good point, Cartman."
Cartman,Yeah.
Wendy,Not bad at all. I may make that our first argument.
Cartman,Cool.
Wendy,Double-stuffed cookies are my favorite.
Cartman,"Really? Mine too. What I really like to do, is I like to take the tops off of two cookies, and then put them together and make ""quadruple stuffs."""
Wendy,"Hey, that's what I always do, too!"
Cartman,No way!
Wendy,"Yeah. Jesus, I never thought I'd have anything in common with you, Cartman."
Cartman,Me neither.
Wendy,Aha ha.
Cartman,Huh.
"Wendy, Cartman","Well, anyway, let's get back to work."
Cartman,Whoa.
Wendy,"Weird, um. Okay. Uh. Now, let's say that first we talk about the history of the flag.  We can show that the-"
Cartman,"Ur, s-sorry.  Go ahead."
Wendy,No.  You go ahead.
Mr. Garrison,"Mr. Hat, what do you think you're doing?"
Mr. Garrison,There's another Klan rally tonight; I have to be there in 15 minutes.
Mr. Garrison,"Ooh no, Mr. Hat. You are not dragging to another Klan meeting."
Mr. Garrison,But they're electing a new assistant to the Grand Dragon. I might get elected.
Mr. Garrison,"Well, good for you, Puppet Pants! I'll have nothin' to do with it!"
Mr. Garrison,I'm going whether you like it or not!
Mr. Garrison,"Oh yeah?!  I'm not going, Mr. Hat, and that's final!  Let's just see you try and go without me!  Mi-Mr. Hat?"
The KKK,White Power! White Power! White Power!  White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power!
Jimbo,"Alright, Ned. We've got to be careful. These are really evil men we're dealing with."
Ned,Mmm-okay.
Jimbo,"Damnit Ned, doesn't that thing have a volume control?"
Ned,No.
The KKK,White Power! White Power!
KKK Leader,"Good evening, brothers. Our first order of business tonight is to have Brother Anderson update us on last week's minutes."
Brother Anderson,Last week we decided we hate blacks and Jews. A lot!
KKK Leader,"Alright. And now it's time for us all to come together, and… do our cake raffle."
KKK Members,"Oh, cake raffle."
KKK Leader,"This week's winner is…  uh, 2 9 7 4."
Ticket 2974 Holder,"I won, I won.  I won the cake!"
KKK Leader,"God job, brother."
Wendy,Cartman!
Cartman,Ahh!
Wendy,Say it'll be like this forever.
Cartman,"Okay, It will be like this forever."
Wendy,"Oh, Cartman!"
Wendy,"AAAAAAaaaah!  Brrrrr. What's wrong with me?  Ahhh. It's okay. Get a grip, girl."
Cartman's voice,Wendih.  Wendih.
Wendy,Aaaah!
Cartman's voice,"Wendih, look at me."
Wendy,"Oh God, please don't let this be happening."
KKK Leader,"Alright brothers, listen up!  As you know, this fine city is holding a vote on whether or not to change their flag. But lynching minorities is history! So what are we gonna do about it?!"
Member 1,"Let's say that if they change the flag, we'll burn down the Capitol!"
KKK Members,Yeah!
Member 2,"Let's say that if they change the flag, we'll never leave this town!"
KKK Members,Yeah!
Jimbo,Let's say they should change the flag!
KKK Members,Yeah!  Wah?
KKK Leader,"Uh what's that, brother?"
Jimbo,I think we should switch sides!
Ned,Me too. Nnn-that's a good idea.
Jimbo,"Look, we have to accept the fact that most people in the world hate us, right?"
KKK Members,"Yeah, m-hm."
Jimbo,"So, whatever side we're on is the side that's gonna lose, right?"
KKK Members,"Right, yeah."
Jimbo,"So why don't we all say that we want the flag changed. That way, most folks'll vote to keep it the way it is."
KKK Leader,"That's a great idea, brother!"
KKK Members,Yeah!
KKK Leader,"Alright, it is decided! We will officially tell everyone that we want the flag changed, so that they will all vote against us!"
KKK Members,"Hooray, yeah!"
A Member,We're smart!
Jimbo,"That worked perfectly, Ned."
KKK Leader,"Well alright, now that that's out of the way, it is time to play, ""Whose got the silliest thing on under their robe?"""
KKK Members,"Yeah, woohoo!"
Jimbo,"Jesus, Ned, these guys are completely nuts."
Ned,Mm-yup.
Jimbo,"That is the most insane thing I've ever seen. I can't believe those people are on our side. I mean, is our side that crazy?  Oh, hello, Chef. Big debate tomorrow, I guess.  Oh, Jesus, the robes! Chef, this isn't what it looks like. You've gotta listen to us!"
Chef,I ain't gonna listen to nothin'! This whole cracker-ass town can kiss my ass!
Jimbo,"Ned, I'm starting to think that maybe history ain't worth defendin' sometimes."
Wendy,"Thanks for coming over, Bebe. I have something to tell you."
Bebe,"Sure, what?"
Wendy,"Bebe, I'm attracted to Cartman."
Bebe,AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Wendy,I know.
Bebe,Why would you tell me this? Why would you tell anyone this?
Wendy,"Because I don't know what to do. I can't concentrate, and if I can't concentrate, then I can't win the debate tomorrow. The whole vote is dependent on me doing a good job-"
Bebe,"Alright, look. When two people work closely for a long time, sometimes they feel what's called, ""sexual tension."" Sometimes you just have to act on impulse and get it over with."
Wendy,"You mean, I should kiss him?"
Bebe,Kiss him and get it out of your system.
Wendy,Oh God.
Mr. Wyland,"Well I certainly would like to thank all the parents for their support of our debate club.  I r-realize that many of you are torn by the issues as well, so, perhaps the children can shed some light on us. We'll start with Wendy Testaburger on the ""Flag Should Be Changed"" team."
Wendy,"The-  the- uh,  aheh ahum,  the… the- uh,  Ahhhhh,  The first argument we-  ah…  Let me start over.  The uh-  oh God. Could you all excuse me for a moment?  Mmmmmummmmeeemmeeemeeemmee..."
People in Audience,Oh.
Really Shocked Man,"Oh, God!"
Wendy,"There. Now, the main point we would like to make is oftentimes it is prudent to change history. As times change we hope to grow, and as we grow our rules must change. It is a natural part of evolution. Thank you."
Mr. Wyland,"Okay, and Kyle and Stan's team, your main point?"
Kyle,"Our main point is that the flag shouldn't offend anyone, because killing has been around since the beginning of time. All animals kill.  And the animals that don't kill are stupid ones, like cows and turtles and stuff. So people should not be so upset about killing."
Chef,Whoa whoa whooaa! You just missed the point entirely!
Kyle,Huh?
Chef,"I'm not mad because the flag shows somebody gettin' killed, It's because it's racist!"
Kyle's Team,Racist??
Chef,"Children, don't you even know what this argument is about?! That flag is racist because a black man is being hung by white people."
Kyle's Team,Ooooooohhh.
Chef,Ooooooohhh?!
Kyle,W-we really didn't see it that way.
Chef,But that's a black man up there!
Kyle,"Y-yeah, but… the color of someone's skin doesn't matter."
Chef,"Well of course it matters when-  …Oh my God. Wait a minute. You children didn't even see the flag as a black man being hanged by white people, did you?"
Kyle's Team,No.
Chef,"Why, that is- that is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard."
Mayor,What?
Mr. Wyland,What?
Chef,"Don't you see? All this time I thought these little crackers had turned racist, when actually they were so not racist that they didn't even make a separation of black and white to begin with. All they saw when they looked at that flag was five people."
A Few People,Awww.
Some KKK members,Awww.
Kyle,Yeah.
Chef,"I'm sorry, children. I was wrong about you. But I still the flag needs to be changed. But now I realize that I almost let racism turn me into a racist."
Jimbo,"Yeah. You know, uh I suddenly found myself on the side of Klan members. I've never had anything against blacks, Chef."
Chef,"Oh, I know you don't, Jimbo. I've known you for almost ten years. You're a good man."
Jimbo,"We've been way too divisive over this, Chef. Maybe we can come up with a- compromise flag—something that everybody can be happy with."
Chef,I think that's a much better start than me tryin' to separate myself from all you wonderful crackers.
Audience Members,"Ooh, huhuh. Oooh"
Kyle,"Oh. Sweet, dude. I don't think we have to do this stupid debate now.  Stan?"
Mayor,"This has been an interesting week in South Park. We've all done a lot of growing this week.  Everyone was afraid to take a stand on this issue. But now we have learned once again that black, white, yellow, brown, or whatever, we are all just people. And so, I am very excited to unveil our new South Park Flag!"
Stan,"Wait, I don't get it."
Kyle,"No, see? There's people of all colors. And they added a black guy as one of the hangers, too, so it's not racist."
Chef,Hooray!
Jimbo,"I have to admit it, that is a lot nicer."
Wendy,Phew. I'm sure glad that's over with.
Cartman,"Me, too!"
Wendy,"I can't believe how right Bebe was about feeling under pressure with somebody. As soon as it was over, all my feelings for you just vanished."
Cartman,"Oh, huh. Yeah. Yeah, totally huh."
Wendy,I'm totally back to normal. See you later.
Cartman,"Yeah. See you later, heh. Ho,  huhuh, he, haha."
Wendy,"Hahaha.  Stan. Stan, wait up!"
Announcer,"Tonight, Stellar Productions presents the boy band of the decade!  It's Fingerbang, live from Madison Square Gardens!"
Fingerbang,"Fingerbang!Bang-bang!Fingerbang-bang!Bangbangbang!I'm gonna fingerbang-bang you into my lifeGirl, you like to fingerbang, and it's alright'Cause I'm the king of fingerbang; let's not fightI'm gonna fingerbang-bang you ever-y night"
Cartman,"And girl, you know that you're the only girl for me, girlGirl, you're the girl of my fantasyYou're my girl, you're my girl"
Woman,"Cartman, I want youuu!"
Cartman,My... girrrrrrrl...
Fingerbang,Fingerbang!Bang... Bang bang bangFingerbang-bang!Bangbangbang!I'm gonna fingerbang-bang--
Cartman,"Yes! Yes! I'm a star! I'm a star! I'm--  Aaawww, I'm nobody! God-damnit!  Wait a minute. Maybe that was a sign from God. That's it, isn't it? You want me to start a boy band so I can make $10 million dollars, don't you? That's it!"
Cartman,"Gentlemen, thank you for coming. This is the beginning of a great time in our lives.  God has finally spoken to me, you guys. And he has told me how I can make $10 million dollars."
Kyle,...How?
Cartman,Boy band.
Stan,Boy band?
Cartman,Boy band.
Kyle,I'm not being in any  faggy boy band!
Cartman,"There's nothing faggy about $10 million dollars, asshole! This was a message from God!"
Stan,"Dude, we don't have any musical talent."
Cartman,"That didn't stop any of the other boy bands, dumbass!  I've got prerecorded music we can sing to, just like they do. All we need to do is practice our choreography over and over and over!"
Kenny,(That sounds totally fuckin' stupid.)
Cartman,"Shut up, Kenny. And then, I know I can get us a gig at the South Park Mall.  So everybody get in a straight line, we're gonna listen to a song from the top, and take it--"
Kyle,Wait a minute. There's only four of us.
Cartman,So?
Kyle,"So, all boy bands have five members."
Cartman,What?
Kyle,"'N Sync, Backstreet Boys, New Kids on the Block. All had five members."
Stan,He's right.
Cartman,"Damnit! Okay, okay okayokayokay. We'll put off practice for now, and hold auditions for a fifth member. Get the word out that auditions will be tomorrow morning!"
Sharon,"Did you have fun at Eric's house today, Stanley?"
Stan,"Well, I guess."
Sharon,What did you do?
Stan,"Well, Cartman wants to start a boy band, so we're gonna rehearse and then try to perform at the South Park Mall."
Sharon,"Oh well, that sounds nice."
Randy,"No, it does NOT  sound nice!  Stanley, you are gonna have no part in that boy band."
Stan,"Well but, Dad, all my friends are doing it."
Randy,"If all your friends jumped off a cliff,  would you do that too?"
Stan,Cartman says we can make $10 million dollars.
Randy,"You are not gonna be in a boy band, Stanley! AND THAT IS FINAL!"
Shelly,"Geez, what's up Dad's ass?"
Butters,"Little Bunny Foo-Foo hoppin' through the forestScoopin' up the field mice and boppin' 'em on the headDown came a white angel and she said""Little Bunny Foo-Foo, I don't wanna see youScoopin' up the field mice and boppin' 'em on the head""So now I'm gonna turn you into a worm, mbuh, mBunny Foo-Foo... Eh, beh-POOFLittle Wormy Foo-Foo crawlin' through the forestGettin scooped up by the field mice who mah-m then they bopped 'im on the head"
Cartman,"Eheh, thank you Butters. We'll let you know."
Butters,"Ah, I can do it again."
Cartman,"We'll let you know, Butters."
Butters,"Ahah-oo well, alright then."
Cartman,"Pffft! Oh my God, his intonation was so off!"
Kyle,It was?
Stan,"Dude, I don't think I could sing any better than that."
Cartman,"Guys, if we're gonna impress the mall owner and get that gig, we'd better&lt;/&gt; do it better than that.  Next!"
Stan,"Uhhh, next is Ike Broflovski."
Cartman,Kyle's brother?
Kyle,I promised my mom I'd let him try.
Cartman,Christ's sake..!
Schroeder,What key?
Ike,"G.Itsy bitsy spider, out the water spout--"
Cartman,Next!
Ike,"Oh Danny Boy, the parson's calling Clang, clang and clang"
Cartman,Next audition!
Ike,"E F G, H I J K L-M-N-O-P"
Cartman,"Goddammit, NEXT!"
Ike,When ah thanky you be One on a teacher on a palm tree
Cartman,"Not the next song, the next PERSON!  Aw, man, this is gonna be a long-ass day."
Cartman,"Oh no! Nononononono! Sorry, Wendy, this tryouts for a boy band!"
Stan,"Aw, come on, dude. Let her try."
Cartman,No way!
Kyle,"Come on, Cartman! You haven't liked anybody else!"
Cartman,"Okayokay, fine. Wow me."
Wendy,"''Miiis-suuus Landers was a health nut; She cooked food in a wokMr. Harris was her boyfriend, and he had a great big-Cock-a-doodle-doodle, the rooster just won't quitAnd I don't want my breakfast, because it tastes like-Shih tzus make good house pets; They're cuddly and sweetMonkeys aren't good to have, because they like to beat their-Meeting in the office or meeting in the hall,The boss, he wants to see you so you can suck hisBalzac was a writer, he lived with Allen FuntMrs. Roberts didn't like him, but that's 'cause she's a-Contaminated water can really make you sickYour bladder gets infected, and blood comes out your-Dictate what I'm saying, 'cause it will bring you luckAnd if you all don't like it, I don't give a flying fuck!"
Cartman,"Thanks, Wendy. Don't call us. We won't call you either, heheh."
Kyle,"Dude, what are you talkin' about? That was awesome!"
Cartman,"Dude, she's a chick!"
Stan,"Come on, nobody's gonna notice."
Cartman,"""Nobody's gonna notice""?! What about her huge freakin' hooters, huh?!"
Stan,She's the best chance we have! I say she's in.
Kyle,Me too.
Kenny,(Me too.)
Cartman,"Oh, this is a democratic boy band, is it? Alright, fine! She's in until she screws up!"
Wendy,Yeah!
Cartman,Okaaay! You guys all ready to rehearse?
Stan,"Cartman, it's six in the morning. Do we have to rehearse this early?"
Cartman,"We have to rehearse all that we can!  Now, check this out:  My mom made us costumes!"
Stan,Costumes?
Cartman,"Yeah.  This one's yours, Stan. This one is Kyle's. This one will cover up Wendy's hooters..."
Stan,"Hey, Cartman, how come your costume has like, nose rings and facial hair?"
Cartman,"'Cause I'm like, you know, the tough one. Every boy band has to have the one member that, you know, is tough."
Kyle,I wanna be the tough one.
Cartman,"...Kyle, you are the sweet one. Will you please just cooperate and not--"
Kyle,I wanna be the tough one!
Cartman,"You can't be the tough one, you're Jewish!"
Kyle,Jews are tough!
Cartman,Since when?!
Kyle,"Since Abraham, fatass!"
Cartman,"Alright, fine! Here!  Jesus Christ, I wonder if every boy band has to go through this!"
Stan,"Hey, Cartman, what does ""fingerbang"" mean, anyways?"
Cartman,"I heard it on HBO. It means, like, you know, when you...  pretend to use your finger like a gun or something."
Kenny,"(Hm hm, noho, that's not what it means.)"
Stan,Kenny says that's not what it means.
Cartman,"Okay, Kenny, what does ""fingerbang"" mean, then?"
Kenny,"(It's when you take your finger, and you stick it in a vagina and you stick it in again and again.)"
Cartman,"...What?! Who the hell would do that?! Jesus Christ! Grow up Kenny, would you?! Alright, boys, let's do it from the top. 1, 2, 3, 4!"
Veteran Guard,"Now, I know that this is your first day on the job of mall security, rookie. Keepin' the law in a mall is just like any tough city, and especially because they don't let us have guns. It can be very dangerous."
Cartman,"Alright, guys. Let's do it like we rehearsed! We need energy! We need to be up!"
Veteran Guard,"Excuse me, just where do you think you're goin'?"
Cartman,We're goin' to see the mall manager.
Veteran Guard,Do you have the proper clearance?
Stan,"Uh oh, mall cops."
Veteran Guard,"You have to make an appointment first. Now move along, sir."
Cartman,"But we practiced for days. All we want to do is show the guy what we can do,  so that maybe we'll have a chance to perform in the plaza of the--   Aagh! Aagh! Ooww! Ow! Oh! God-damnit..!"
Kyle,Jesus Christ!
Cartman,"Oh, God, I can't see!"
Veteran Guard,"Move along, sir. Or I'll do it again.  You see, you put your life on the line every day."
Stan,"Well, I guess we can't get in to see the mall manager."
Cartman,The hell we can't! I'm not lettin' no washed-up law cops ruin my divine quest! Come on!
Veteran Guard,Ey!  What are you doin'?
Man,Nothin'. Just... shopping.
Veteran Guard,"Move along, sir.  You see, sometimes you gotta just do that. Keeps shoppers on their toes — try it."
Rookie Guard,Ey!  What are you doin'?
Woman,Nothing. Why?
Rookie Guard,"Move along, ma'am."
Veteran Guard,That's what being a mall cop is all about. Hyeuup.
Rookie Guard,Cool.
Cartman,Attention mall shoppers: the next twenty people to buy an orange smoothie will also receive a complimentary Nissan Sentra. Hurry up.
Veteran Guard,"Jesus, they're gonna start a riot!"
Cartman,"Alright, guys, here we go.  Hello, sir!"
Manager,What? Hey. Who are you?
Cartman,We... are Fingerbang!
Manager,O-o-oh. What? How'd you get in here? Hey.
Cartman,We would like to audition for you for a gig in the central plaza of your fine mall.
Manager,What? O-oh. You wanna play at the mall? Like Tiffany?
Cartman,"Sort of like Tiffany, yes. Can we audition?"
Manager,"Oh. Well, I guess. ...What?"
Cartman,"Alright! Let's do it, boys!"
Fingerbang,"I'm gonna fingerbang-bang you into my lifeGirl, you like to fingerbang, and it's alrightI'm goin' to fingerbang-bang you ever-y night"
Cartman,"And girl you know you're cool, you're good, you're so much nicer, girlYou're good, You're gonna be--"
Manager,"Alright, that's enough!"
Cartman,"--you're my fantasy, you fanta--"
Manager,Thank you.
Cartman,"Well, so can we play here?"
Manager,What?? ...No.
Cartman,No??
Manager,Who?? No!
Cartman,Why not?!
Manager,"Well uh, uh, oh... Right now there's a cheese and sausage cart in the plaza. And I would uh, I'd hate to have to move it off to the side for a while. What?"
Cartman,"You don't think we're any good, do you?!"
Manager,"No. I mean, you're just not as good as sausage and cheese."
Cartman,"Well, come on guys. We gave it our best."
Manager,Wow. That was your best?
Kyle,Wow. I feel so rejected.
Stan,Yeah.
Veteran Guard,There you are! You're the hoodlums who got on the intercom and started an orange smoothie riot!
Stan,Uh-oh.
Veteran Guard,I will now read you your mall rights! You have the right to shop at a variety of malls in all--
Kyle,Run for it!
Veteran Guard,"Go get 'em, rookie!"
Randy,Where is Stan?
Sharon,"Oh, he's over at Eric's house practicing for his boy band."
Randy,What?! I specifically told him not to do that!
Sharon,"Now, Randy, calm down. It's just a silly little dream. They're not gonna actually make it."
Randy,"And what if they do make it, Sharon? What if they do make it? Are you gonna be the one to tell 'im?!"
Shelly,"Mom, what's up Dad's ass?"
Sharon,"It's a long story, Shelly. Let's just say your father... has a lot up his ass right now."
Chef,"Oh! Oh-h, hello Eric."
Cartman,"Problem, Chef. I have m-many problems."
Chef,"Wellll, if you uhhh, come back in just a little bit, Eric, I'll see if I can help you out."
Cartman,I just don't know what I'm gonna do.  Sometimes I wonder if God isn't toying with me.
Chef,"Alright, Eric, what's the matter?"
Cartman,"Chef, God told me I was to start a boy band and make $10 million dollars. The problem is, it isn't working. I mean,  I feel the music burning inside me. But I just can't express it right, you know?"
Chef,"Well, Eric, I, I think you were just focusin' in on the wrong thing. Boy bands aren't about music, boy bands are created by corporations to make money. They're all based on the Gomlich effect."
Cartman,What's the Gomlich effect?
Chef,"The law of physics that states, ""If one girl screams for something, it will make other girls scream. And then, it grows exponentiously until all girls within a five-mile radius are screaming."""
Cartman,So how do boy bands use that?
Chef,"All they do is make videos, showing tons and tons of girls screaming for the boy band. Once you get girls screaming, you can't stop 'em. They're crazy!  Uh-uh, except for Lilian, of course."
Cartman,Thanks!
Chef,"You're welcome. Now, go away!"
Cartman,Okay.
Chef,A-and a cucumber in the pants never hurt either!
Cartman,Cucumber in the pants. Got it.
Cartman,"Alright, everybody, listen up! This is how this first shot is gonna work: The girls are standing here, and then the members of the band walk by looking cool. When you see us, you girls all scream like, ""Oh my God, it's Fingerbang! Oh my God!"" Okay?"
Bebe,"Are we gonna get paid now, or after?"
Cartman,"I'll pay you afterwards. Promise. Okay, Timmy, roll camera."
Timmy,Tiimmmaaayyy!
Kyle,"Dude, what's wrong with your leg?"
Cartman,"Huh? Oh, Chef says to put a cucumber down my pants for good luck."
Girls,Ahhh. Wow. Woohoo. Yay.
Cartman,"Waitwaitwaitwait, cut!"
Timmy,Huhaaaaah!
Cartman,"Let's go crazier than that! I mean, you have to act like it's freakin' Leonardo DiCaprio!"
Bebe,We wouldn't give a rat's ass if Leonardo DiCaprio came walking past us.
Other Girls,Yeah.
Cartman,Fine! Who would you go crazy for?
Girls,...Matt Lauer.
Cartman,"...Okay, fine! Pretend that we're Matt Lauer."
Bebe,Oh... Okay.
Cartman,Roll camera!
Timmy,Timmuh!
Girls,AAAGGGGHHH!
Cartman,Jesus Christ!
Fingerbang,Fingerbang-bang you ever-y night
Cartman,"Aaand cut!  Alright, our video's complete. Through the grace of God I can now go back to that mall manager and show him what we've got!"
Bebe,"Okay, so where's our money?"
Cartman,"Oh uh, Kyle has it."
Randy,"Stanley, what the hell are you doing?"
Stan,We are making a music video.
Randy,You get in the truck right now!
Stan,"Dad, I was just a--"
Randy,Get in the truck!
Stan,"Dad, I did all my chores. Why can't I play with my friends?"
Randy,"Stanley, it's just that there's better things you could be doing on a Saturday than singing and dancing. You could be watching TV or, laying in bed."
Stan,"Dad, I like being in a boy band. I think it's interesting."
Randy,"Well, there's plenty of other interesting you can do. Have you ever tried marijuana?"
Stan,No.
Randy,"Well, maybe it's time."
Stan,Dad!
Veteran Guard,Ey! What are you doin'?
Madman,I've got a new strain of anthrax that I will soon unleash upon all of North America!
Veteran Guard,"Move along, sir."
Madman,Wuh?
Cartman,"Attention, shoppers: There are naked people at the orange smoothie machine. There are naked people at the orange smoothie machine."
Veteran Guard,God damnit!
Cartman,Hello again!
Manager,What? Oh. It's you. I don't like you.
Cartman,I know you didn't love our audition. But now we have a video.
Manager,Oh. What?
Cartman,"If you would, sir, just watch this and prepare to be wowed!"
Timmy,Timmiihh!
Cartman,"Uh, god damnit..! Our camera guy kinda sucks, but this next shot we did was really cool."
Timmy,"Haaghh.  Timmih, livin' a lie!"
Cartman,Son of a bitch!
Manager,Hey. This video is dumb.
Cartman,You don't understand. Girls were going crazy for it. Please. This is what God want me to do. Ple-ease.
Manager,"Alright alright. What? Well, I guess I can move the sausage and cheese cart off to one side.  For a little while."
Cartman,Really? You will?
Manager,"Only for twenty minutes, though."
Cartman,That's all we need! How about this afternoon at 3 o'clock?
Manager,Oh. Okay.
Cartman,"Yes! Thank you sir, you will not be disappointed!"
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, Mrs. Cartman, I've been uh very bad. M'kay?"
Liane,"You have been bad, so you're gonna have to drink from this glass."
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, yeah, that makes me hot, m'kay?"
Cartman,"Aw, Mom!"
Manager,Wow. What?
Stan,"It's not fair, Dad! Why can't I be in a boy band?"
Randy,Because I said so!
Stan,"Dad, Cartman said we're gonna perform at the mall at 3 o'clock. My friends are gonna be pissed off at me."
Randy,"Let 'em be pissed off, then!"
Stan,"I don't understand! Just let me go do this one thing, and I won't ever--"
Randy,No!!  NOOO!!
Stan,Dad? What the hell is going on?
Randy,...I was... I was 18 when my high-school men's choir performed at the grand opening of a sporting-goods store in Denver.  I was just one of fifteen members and I had no idea that a record producer was in the audience.
Producer,"Kid, can I talk to you?"
Randy,Uh sure.
Producer,"Heh, you were really great up there. Too good for a pissant choir in a pissant mountain town."
Randy,"Ohh, thanks."
Producer,Listen: I'm putting together a rock group. A vocal group called the Ghetto Avenue Boys. I think you would make a perfect member.
Randy,What? Me? Do you like my singing that much?
Producer,"Yeah, I think your mustache is perfect. How would you like to come to New York and start a singing career?"
Randy,"Oh my God, I don't know. I mean, I still have another year of high school, and I--"
Producer,"Hey, look, if you don't want it, I'll keep looking--"
Randy,"No! Wait. I mean, ah-I'll think about it."
Producer,I take it that means yes. Call me in the morning.
Randy,And just like that I left everything. I dropped out of high school...
Randy,See ya.
Randy,...I said good-bye to my girlfriend...
Randy,See ya.
Randy,...And I left my family.
Randy,See ya.
Randy,"And suddenly there I was, thrown into a group with four other young men who I didn't even know."
Producer,Take 112!
Ghetto Avenue Boys,You've... got... it!You know you've got... itWhat you've got is it!
Randy,"It's obvious to me, girl"
Randy,"The songs were terrible. But believe it or not, the country ate them up. The next thing I knew, we were the biggest thing in the world."
Ghetto Avenue Boys,"Shirl! You've... got... it!It... is what you've got, girl!What you've got is it!"
Randy,"Now, give it to me, 'cause..."
Randy,"I had everything. A huge house,  and all the women you can imagine.  And then one day, just as quick as it started..."
Mr. Allens,"Alright, guys, let's take it from the top."
Randy,"Hey, Mr. Allens."
Mr. Allens,Heh? Woh. Uh... R-Randy.
Randy,Who are they?
Mr. Allens,"These are the Avenue Ghetto Street Boys, my... new boy band."
Randy,"But, w-we're still selling records, right?"
Mr. Allens,"Look, kid, you're just getting a little... old to be in a boy band."
Randy,I'm 19.
Mr. Allens,"Get a life, Marsh!  Alright, guys, let's take it from the top."
Randy,"They said that after all the money we had made we were in debt to the studio, so they towed my car..."
Tow Truck Driver,See ya.
Randy,...the women all left...
Women,See ya.
Randy,...and they took back my house.
Randy,Ugh..!
Mr. Allens,See ya.
Randy,"The only thing I could do was come back to Colorado, and face everyone that I had abandoned."
Woman,"Hey! Weren't you the guy in that stupid boy band, the Ghetto Avenue Boys?"
Man,"Sure, I remember you!  You got it, baby... You got it, baby"
Randy,"And so you see, Stanley, I... do know what I'm talking about."
Stan,Jesus Christ. ...I never knew.
Randy,"I didn't want you to know. Because now I'm a joke. Ever since then, I've wished every single day that I could go back to that moment when I was offered the job and say, ""No!"" Because all the fame and the money, the women... All it did was build me up, so that I could be knocked down harder than anybody in the world.  That is what being in a boy band is all about, Stanley.  It's people smothering you and embracing you and loving you and then spitting you out and throwing you away like you were last night's pork chops. Now we wander the Earth in disarray—us, New Kids on the Block, the Osmonds... We're all the same. And that... is why you can't go to the mall."
Stan,...Oh-kay.
Kyle,Wow. There must be at least 20 people out there.
Cartman,Where the hell is Stan?!
Kyle,He'll be here. Stan wouldn't douche.
Cartman,"I swear to God, if he ruins this dream of mine I will have his nuts!"
Manager,"Hey. Uh, are you gonna do that thing or what?"
Cartman,"Yes. Yes, sir, any second—we're just waiting on one more member."
Manager,Well hurry up. I can't keep the sausage and cheese cart off this spot much longer.
Cartman,Yeah. We'll start right away.  We'll have to do it without him.
Kyle,Hell no! I'm not being part of a four-member boy band! We'll look stupid!
Kenny,(Yeah!)
Cartman,"Oh, god-damnit!"
Stan,Dad?
Randy,Huh? Yeah?
Stan,"Well... I just wanted to tell you... that I don't think you're a joke. I mean, whatever you used to be, you're just my dad. And you're the best dad I've ever had."
Randy,"Come here, Stanley.  Stan, it was wrong of me to try and stop you from joining a boy band without explaining why. I've made some mistakes in my life, and now... I have to let you make your own mistakes."
Stan,Yeah.
Randy,"You know, in a way, I think I was even jealous of you being in a boy band. Isn't that stupid?"
Stan,Not really. Not any more stupid than some of the other stuff you've done.
Randy,"Well, come on. I'll drive you down to the mall."
Stan,Really?
Randy,Yeah. I wanna see what you guys can do. And then we'll go buy you a small toy so that you can forget all about this.
Stan,Alright!
Man,What's happening here?
Woman,"I don't know, uh. I guess nothing."
Man,"Hm... Well, let's just walk away then."
Cartman,God damnit! People are walking away!
Manager,"Alright, kids, uh, that does it. You're gonna have to move and make way for the sausage and cheese cart."
Cartman,Just another minute.
Manager,Sorry. Get out!
Cartman,"Well God, I guess you got me again, didn't you? Hyeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard."
Wendy,What's that?
Kyle,It's Stan!
Cartman,"Oh, thank you God! Oh, praise his name!"
Kyle,"Dude, where the hell have you been?!"
Cartman,"Sir! We're all here now! Can we go on, please?"
Manager,"Who? Well. Okay, I guess. But hurry up."
Cartman,"We will!  Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to witness the next great boy band of the country! Someday you will all be among those who can say, ""I saw Fingerbang when they first performed at some crappy little mall.""  And so, without further ado, all five members of the..."
Kenny,(Uff--!)
Stan,"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!"
Kyle,You bastards!
Cartman,No! He can't be dead!
Kyle,"Dude, he's pretty dead."
Cartman,No! We were so close!
Manager,"Alright, that's it, kids. Get out!"
Cartman,But we have to perform!
Kyle,"We don't have a fifth member, Cartman!"
Stan,"Oh, yes we do."
Cartman,"Thank you all for your patience, and now get ready for Fingerbang!"
Fingerbang,"Fingerbang!Bang bang Fingerbang-bang!Bangbangbang I'm gonna fingerbang-bang you into my lifeGirl, you like to fingerbang, and it's alright'Cause I'm the king of fingerbang; let's not fightI'm goin' tuh fingerbang-bang you ever-y nightFingerbang-bang you ever-y night!"
Cartman,"Chuh!  Yes! Yes! Thank you, yes!"
Kyle,We made two dollars.
Stan,"You were great, Dad."
Randy,Yeah. I guess I still got it in me a little.
Little Girl,Can I get your autograph?
Cartman,"Ok-Okay, okay."
Veteran Guard,"Hey, don't hassle the talent, ma'am."
Little Girl,"I actually don't really know who they are, I was just getting an autograph and--  A-a-agg-g-ggh!"
Veteran Guard,"Move along, ma'am.  Eh, that was pretty good, kids. Maybe you can come perform at my Elks Club sometime."
Cartman,"Okay, yeah, maybe.  God..! Now it's like everybody wants a piece of us."
Kyle,Yeah.
Cartman,"I don't know if I can handle all this fame. I mean, I always thought I'd wanna become famous, but now that I am, I don't know if I like it. I mean, I probably can't even walk through this mall right now without people goin', ""Oh my God, it's the Fingerbang guy! Oh my God!"""
Kyle,...Yeah. That's gonna suck.
Stan,Yeah. I just wanna be a normal kid again. Have a normal life and appreciate what I have.
Randy,"Well, I think you boys are very smart for your age. Come on. I'll buy you all an orange smoothie."
Stan,I don't think they sell those anymore.
Kyle,"Hey, Cartman, do you think God's getting mad at you for not making $10 million?"
Cartman,"Aw, screw God. I'm not scared o' him. He's a pussy.  You know I'm just kiddin', right? Heheyeah."
Congregation,I walk hand-in-hand with JesusOver at the park by where he livesI tell him all my problemsAnd sometimes he tells me hisWhat a friend I have in JesusI can say that honestlyHe's not like all my other friendsWho really don't care about me.Amen.
Stan,Bo-ring.
Cantor,"And now Mr. Mackey will read his favorite psalm for us, Psalm 46."
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, God is our refuge and strength, m'kay. A very present help in trouble, m'kay.  Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea..."
Cartman,"Hey, you guys, you wanna know what my favorite psalm is? ""It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation.  This sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation."""
Mr. Mackey,"God is in the midst of her, m'kay. She shall not be moved, m'kay.  Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, m'kay, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof, m'kay. There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place-"
Stan,"Waiwaiwaiwaiwait. ""It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's..."""
Cartman,"""It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation  to increase the population of the younger generation."""
Kenny,(It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's operation-)
Cartman,"No no, no. Separation."
Stan,"""It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's-"""
Priest Maxi,BOYS! You are in CHURCH!
Cartman,Ugh!
Mr. Mackey,"-m'kay. The God of Jacob is our refuge, m'kay."
Priest Maxi,"Thank you, Mr. Mackey. Hello, everyone. Today, we're going to talk about hell.  Hell is not a very nice place. Burning, searing, flames. Screaming, torture. For eternity. Once you are in hell, you cannot escape. You live forever in horrible pain, in burning agony. All sinners are there in misery, dying over and over and over.  If you be cast down into this black bog of stench, then woe is thou,  for Satan has made it the most miserable place in the universe!  And he will be your ruler!  Your ruler of pain and agony!"
Singers,Are we going to the Hukilau?The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?Are we going to the Hukilau?The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?Everybody loves a hukilau-
Gene Siskel,I do!
Singers,Where the laulau is the kaukau at the luauWe throw our nets out into the seaAnd all the ama-ama come swimmin' to meAre we going to the Hukilau?The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?
Hula Dancers,Are we going to the Hukilau?
Three Tortured Souls,The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?
Hula Dancers,"Everybody loves a Hukilau,"
Males,Where the laulau is the kaukau at the luau
All,We throw our nets out into the sea.And all the ama-ama come a-swimming to meAre we going to the Hukilau?The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?Huki... Luki... Lau?...
Satan,Yeah!
Demon,Hennnh!
Man,Aaawwwwwww!
Gary,"Great luau, Satan."
Satan,"Thanks. See ya, Gary. Thanks for comin'. Oh- Hi, Marsha."
Walter,"Satan, a few of us are gonna go pound some brews. You wanna join us?"
Satan,"Oh, I'd love to, Mr. Matthau, but I can't. Chris and I just moved to the west side and we have to unpack."
Walter,"Oh, well, maybe next time. Great luau!"
Satan,Bye.
Satan,Chris?
Chris,Yeah?
Satan,"Did you, uh, see my ""Boy With An Umbrella"" Hummel?"
Chris,"Uuh, no, but there's still some boxes coming from the movers."
Satan,"Oh, okay, thanks.  Oh, that must be them now.  Just put the boxes by the-"
Saddam,"Hello, Satan!"
Satan,Saddam...
Saddam,"Did you miss me, buttercup?"
Satan,"No, it can't be! You're dead! I killed you!"
Saddam,"Yeah, you killed me. So? Where was I gonna go? Detroit?"
Satan,"Oh no.  Oh, God no."
Priest Maxi,"A place of everlasting agony and pain! Hell awaits all sinners and all who do not accept Christ!  Children in this town have not been attending Sunday school after Mass! And adults have not been coming to Confession! If this does not change, I promise you, you will be going to the black pit of Satan's world!  That is all. Peace be with you."
Randy,"Well, that was quite an uplifting sermon."
Sharon,Yeah.
Stan,"Mom, wuh we're staying for Sunday school."
Sharon,What?
Stan,We have to go to Sunday school so we don't burn!
Cartman,"Yeah. I'll see ya later, mom."
Randy,"Oh, now look at that. They're scared to death."
Priest Maxi,"Hell is a very real place, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh. I'm trying to save their souls and the souls of everyone in this town from the wretched lake of fire!"
Saddam,"Come on, guy. Just let me in so we can talk."
Satan,"I don't want to talk to you, Saddam! This isn't what I need in my life right now."
Chris,"Is that the movers, Satan?"
Satan,"Ah. Yeah. Yeah, it's just the movers"
Chris,"Oh, well, tell them I'm leavin' their check on the counter."
Satan,"Okay, Chris."
Saddam,"Satan, look: I know our relationship wasn't perfect. Okay? I know that. I was too busy tryin' to take over the world to give you what you needed. But I've changed, Satan."
Satan,"Oh, why, I haven't heard that one before."
Saddam,"COME ON, can't we just go out for a burrito?  ¡Me gusta burrito mucho!"
Satan,"I can't, Saddam. I'm with Chris now."
Saddam,Who?? Screw 'im! He can't pound your ass like I can!
Satan,"Good-bye, Saddam!"
Saddam,"Wait. Wait, I'm sorry, heh. But Satan, you can't deny what's between us.  You can try, but you know we belong together."
Satan,"My life is good now, Saddam. Chris treats me well. You and I are through. Good-bye."
Saddam,"Hey, come on, guy! Give me a break!"
Nun,"Hello, children. I'm Sister Anne. And I'll be teaching you so that you can all receive your First Communion."
Stan,Are we gonna go to hell?
Sister Anne,"Well, hopefully not. That's why you're gonna need to receive Communion."
Cartman,"A- And as long as we get this Communion thing, we're safe?"
Stan,What if we haven't really done anything that horribly bad in our lives.
Cartman,"Yeah, what if we haven't?"
Sister Anne,"It doesn't matter, because we are all born with Original Sin. Now, let me explain how Communion works.  The priest will give you this round cracker,  and he will say, ""The Body of Christ,"" and then you eat it."
Cartman,Jesus was made of crackers?
Sister Anne,No.
Stan,But crackers are his- body.
Sister Anne,Yes.
Kenny,(What?!)
Sister Anne,"In the Book of Mark, Jesus distributed bread and said, ""eat this, for it is my body."""
Cartman,So wwe won't go to hell as long as we eat crackers.
Sister Anne,Nononono!
Butters,"Uhwell, uhwhat are we eatin' then?"
Sister Anne,The Body of Christ!
Stan,"Nonono, I get it. Jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals, so he turned himself into crackers, and then told people to eat him."
Sister Anne,No!
Stan,No??
Butters,Huh-I can't whistle if I eat too many crackers.
Sister Anne,"Look: all you have to know is that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it! Okay?!"
"Kenny, Stan, Cartman",O-kay.
Sister Anne,"And then, you will drink a very small amount of wine, for that, is the Blood of Christ."
Cartman,"Aw, come on now, this is just getting silly!"
Sister Anne,"Eric, do you wanna go to hell?!"
Cartman,Nno!
Sister Anne,Then stop questioning me.
Cartman,"But now we can have Communion and not go to hell, right?"
Sister Anne,"No. Because before you can take your first Communion, you have to have your first Confession."
Stan,Confession?
Sister Anne,"You'll be getting in the Confession box with a priest and confessing all your sins, so that God can forgive you. You kids will all have to go to your first Confession this Tuesday, so I want you all to go home tonight and think long and hard about all your sins, so that you can tell the priest everything."
Kenny,"(OH, SHIT!)"
Chris,"Those were some great pork chops, Satan."
Satan,Yeah.
Chris,"Hey, you.  You've been actin' strange all night. What's up?"
Satan,Nothing. Why?
Chris,"Well, it's... just that you've washed that same dish seven times now, silly."
Satan,"Oh, huh. Sorry, huh-huh."
Chris,"Come on, Satan. You know you can tell me anything. What's up?"
Satan,"Well, Chris, Saddam showed up today."
Chris,Oh.  Woww!  I wasn't ready for that.
Satan,He showed up spouting all kinds of things about how he's changed and he still loves me...
Chris,I thought you... killed him.
Satan,"Yeah, well, where was he gonna go? Detroit?"
Chris,...Do you still love him?
Satan,"No, Chris."
Chris,It's okay of you do.
Satan,"Well, I mean-  Of course, there's a part of me that will always love him, I... But I also know how abusive he was—I'm much happier with you."
Chris,"Well, you know what I think we should do? I think we should all get together and just talk, like adults."
Satan,What?
Chris,"We're all grown men here, Satan. I wanna just go meet this guy."
Satan,"No, Chris, you don't understand. Saddam is fucking crazy."
Chris,"Oh, I know he's got the whole bad-boy thing going. But I think that's what you were attracted to. But I can be a pretty rough tumbler myself.  Oops!  Aw, butternuts!"
Stan,"Okay, let's see. Uuh, oh yeah, there was the time we threw a fish into the busdriver's hair and she didn't find it for seven days."
Cartman,"Oh yeah, okay."
Stan,And thennn there was the time we held that little first-grader down and farted on him for 28 minutes.
Cartman,"Right, I already got that one."
Kyle,"Hey, dudes. What are you doin'?"
Stan,We're trying to remember all our sins. Sister Anne told us we have to confess all our sins or else we're gonna go to hell.
Kyle,Uhwuwhat?
Stan,Have you confessed all your sins yet?
Kyle,No-o-o-o-o!
Cartman,"Dude, he's Jewish. He doesn't have to confess his sins."
Kyle,Oh good. I don't?
Cartman,"No, you're already going to hell."
Kyle,I am not!
Cartman,"You are, too!"
Stan,"Dude, this lady told us if you don't confess all your sins and you don't eat crackers and drink wine, then you go to hell. Period."
Kyle,I'm gonna go ask my mom!
Stan,"Now, let's see. What about the time we set Mr. Garrison's cat on fire?"
Cartman,Alright. That was mostly Kenny's fault.
Kenny,(What?)
Butters,Eyou guys! Eyou guys! Uh we just thought of somethin'!
Stan,"What, Butters?"
Butters,"Uhwell, uh what about the handicapped kid, uh-Timmy?"
Timmy,Timmiih!
Cartman,What'd we do to Timmy?
Butters,"No! I mean, poor Timmy's gonna go to hell! He can't confess his sins, 'cause all he can say is his name!"
Timmy,Timmiih!
Cartman,"Oh yeah, you're right. I guess Timmy's pretty screwed."
Stan,"Oh man, we can't let Timmy go to hell. We have to do something."
Kenny,(What are we gonna do?)
Stan,I don't know. I don't know what we're gonna do.
Satan,"I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't deny my feelings for Saddam, but... my life is so much better now with Chris.  Yeah. It's like Chris is so perfect in every way, but there's just something about Saddam that I'm more attracted to.  In what way?  Yeah, you're right. Saddam would just treat me bad again. I'm just gonna have to not see Saddam. Put him out of my mind and focus on Chris. If I don't see Saddam, then I won't have such strong feelings for him. Thanks guys."
Chris,There you are.
Satan,"Oh hi, Chris!"
Chris,I've been lookin' all over for you. I have to tell you somethin' that might make you... a little mad.
Satan,What?
Chris,"Well, I called Saddam Hussein and invited him over for dinner tonight."
Satan,You WHAT?!
Chris,I just think we all need to get this out in the open.
Satan,"Oh, Chris! Rraarr!  Rraahh!"
Chris,"Come on, Satan. We're all adults here. He was an important person in your life, for better or for worse. So, I wanna know him. If he sees that I'ma real person too, then... well, maybe he'll see how happy we are together."
Satan,"No, Chris! He'll try to kill you is what he'll do!"
Chris,"Satan, we're not in junior high school anymore."
Satan,"Oh, dear God."
Stan,"Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art though amongst wo-"
Cartman,How was it?
Stan,"Uh- Aw, dude, you screwed me up!"
Cartman,Huh?
Stan,The guy in there said I have to say 54 Hail Marys. Now I can't remember if I was on number seven or eight.
Cartman,Who's in there?
Stan,I don't know. You can't see him; it's just some anonymous guy.
Cartman,"Well, here goes everything."
Cartman,"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
Priest Maxi,"Blessed art thou, child. Now, what do you have to confess?"
Cartman,"Well, let's see. I'd like to start, if I may, back when I was two and a half. It was a cold April morning, and the dew on the grass was frozen, like tiny beads of glass..."
Stan,"...Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Ble-"
Kenny,"(Hey, dude.)"
Stan,God damnit!
Kenny,(What??)
Stan,"Oh, there's Sister Anne! Come on, we've got to ask her about Timmy.  Sister Anne?"
Sister Anne,"Oh, hello, children."
Stan,We have a question.
Sister Anne,"Okay, shoot."
Stan,Where do handicapped people go when they die?
Sister Anne,"The handicapped are just people like you and me, so the same rules apply. They need to be baptized, take Communion, and confess their sins."
Stan,"But our friend Timmy can't really talk. All he can do is say his own name, so he can't really confess his sins. So is he goin' to go to hell?"
Sister Anne,"Uugh. This really isn't a question for me, it's for the priest.  I'll see if I can find him. Bye."
Cartman,"And that was about everything from first grade. Then last year, well, you can't tell anybody about this stuff, right?"
Priest Maxi,Your  con- confession does not leave this box.
Cartman,"Okay, because, last year, I took a sandwich that the priest of this church had been eating."
Priest Maxi,"Oh. Well, Uh arr-I'm sure he would forgive you if he knew."
Cartman,"No, but I'm not finished yet. I took the sandwich that the priest was eating, took the piece of ham out of it, put it between my butt cheeks, and then put the sandwich back and watched him eat it."
Priest Maxi,I... see.
Cartman,"Yeah, and then this other time, I went pee-pee in the holy water thing, and the priest blessed himself on the forehead with it every day for about a week.  And then this one time, I was at the park, and the priest was out walking his dog and I went-... number two on the sidewalk and then told Officer Barbrady that it was the priest's dog.  And so the priest got find like a hundred dollars for not cleaning it up. And then this one time, I put super glue all over the priest's bottle of-  -eh- Ow!  D'ow! Jesus! Ooww-ah! Ow!  Eh! Oh! Help.  Oh! Somebody help! God damnit! Let me out of here!"
Sister Anne,Father! I need to talk to you. Father!  I have to ask you a question.
Priest Maxi,"Okayokay, fine!"
Cartman,Uh-huh-  Oho! Ohoho.
Stan,What happened??
Cartman,"I felt it, you guys. I felt the angry hands of God.  He is an angry God, you guys. We all have to start taking this very seriously."
Chris,"Oh, hello. You must be Saddam Hussein."
Saddam,"And you must be Mr. Assface.  Just kidding. You're Chris, right? Thanks for inviting me to dinner, guy.  Here, I brought you a potato."
Chris,"Oh, thank you."
Satan,"Chris, no! It's a bomb!"
Chris,"Satan, what the heck is wrong with you?"
Saddam,"Yeah! Hey, relax, guy. We're all here to act like adults, right?  Oh, gee. I guess I must've overcooked it."
Chris,"Well, come on in. Dinner's just about ready."
Ike,"behayin' glah, and the he find de eye."
Gerald,"Very good, Ike. That's two John Steinbeck books in one day."
Ike,Cookie monstooh.
Sheila,"Oh, he's growing up so fast!"
Kyle,Mom! Dad! Am I gong to hell?
Sheila,"Why? What did you do, Kyle?!"
Kyle,"Nothing. But the guys said if I don't confess my sins and eat crackers, I'm gonna go to hell."
Sheila,"Oh noooo, that's just Catholics. Us Jews don't believe in hell."
Kyle,We don't? But what if we're wrong?
Sheila,"Well..., Kyle..., they could be wrong, too."
Kyle,"Yeah, but if they're wrong, no big deal. If we're wrong, we burn in hell."
Ike,"Oh, no."
Gerald,"Kyle, it's all about being a good person now! You see, Christians use hell as a way to scare people into believing what they believe. But to believe in something just because you're afraid of the consequences if you don't believe in something is no reason to believe in something. Understand?"
Ike,No-o-o.
Kyle,"Well, you guys can do what you want! I'm going down to that church to confess my sins and eat crackers! And I'm taking Ike with me!"
Sheila,Kyle!
Chris,So Saddam. Satan told me all about how you guys almost took over the world once.
Saddam,"Hn-yeah, those were the days, boy. What the hell is this crap we're eating, anyway?"
Satan,"It's all vegetarian, Saddam. Chris was a nutritionist before he died."
Saddam,"Oh, isn't that fascinating. So, tell me, Chris. How is it that you died?"
Chris,"Oh, well I, I actually slipped down an escalator, in a mall. Those things can be pretty sketchy."
Saddam,An escalator? What kind of pussy way of dying is that?!
Chris,"L-look, Saddam, I know that you and Satan had a relationship  And I just want you to know  that I'm totally okay with you guys staying friends."
Saddam,Uh huh.
Chris,I think it's important to stay friends with people you've had relationships with.  And I know that Satan and my relationship is strong enough that it can handle anything.  Right?  Right.
Sister Anne,"Father, the children asked me about their handicapped friend. I wanna explain to them that he's fine."
Priest Maxi,"Well, has your friend ever confessed or been baptized?"
Stan,I don't think so.
Priest Maxi,"Then, hell awaits him."
Sister Anne,"Father, these boys are really worried because they think they have to-"
Priest Maxi,"They SHOULD be worried! Boys, it is your Christian duty to save the souls of your friends!"
Sister Anne,"Yes, but-"
Kyle,Mister Father!  We have to ask you something.
Priest Maxi,"Oh. You're the little Jewish boy, right?"
Kyle,"Yeah. If we're Jewish, are we gonna go to hell?"
Priest Maxi,"Well, young man, you can rest assured that according to Matthew 25, when you die you will stand before God and he will will say, ""Depart from me, you cursèd, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels."" Yes! As a Jew, your home will be the lake of fire."
Ike,Oh no.
Sister Anne,Father-
Priest Maxi,I hope to see all of you in church this Sunday.
"Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny",We will be.
Sister Anne,"Father, I don't know if I agree fully with what you're saying. I think that as long as Jewish people are good, they will get into heaven."
Priest Maxi,"Sister, the Jews crucified our Savior. I mean, if you don't go to hell for crucifying the Savior, then what the hell do you go to hell for?!"
Kyle,Stan! You've got to help us become good Christians. Please.
Stan,Alrightalrightalright. You heard the priest: the first thing we have to do is get you guys all baptized. Come on.
Stan,"Okay, you'd better baptize Kyle some more."
Cartman,Halleluyah! Wash away the sin-eh!
Kyle,HAAAAH!
Cartman,Turn around so I can clean out your ass.
Stan,Cartman!
Cartman,What?
Stan,"Dude, you just said ""ass""! That's a sin!"
Cartman,"Oh, now you've said it, too!"
Stan,"Oh, shit!  Oh!"
Kenny,(Fuck! Oops!)
Cartman,"Aw, dude, we've gotta go back to church and confess again."
Stan,But what about them?
Cartman,"Ugh. Oh, I know.  We can use Wacky Water Weasel!"
Timmy,Haaaaah!
Stan,"Okay, come on."
Timmy,"Haaa-ay, Timmmiih!"
Chris,"Hoof. Well, I don't know about you guys, but all that ginger made me tired."
Saddam,Yes. I guess I should be gettin' back.
Satan,Good. I'll show you out.
Chris,"Nice to meet you, Saddam! Have a safe walk back!"
Saddam,"Yeah. Thanks for the weak grass and twigs and stuff.  Satan, that guy is a pussy!"
Satan,"He's stable, Saddam!"
Saddam,"Yes, that's what I said! He's a pussy!"
Satan,Having stability in your life is a great thing! You should try it!
Saddam,"For some people, maybe. But you like excitement. I know you, Satan."
Satan,I'm very happy with my life now.
Saddam,Here.  I'm at the bargain hotel on Monte Vista. Room 16.
Satan,"No, Saddam! I won't be needing this!"
Saddam,"D'oh, I know you won't. But just keep it, just in case. It was good seeing you again, Satan. Goodnight.  Goodnight, pussy! I mean, Chris!"
Chris,Goodnight
Voice,"Hello. Your Excellency?  This is Sister Anne, the Bleeding Eyes of Jesus, calling from the United States?"
Secretary,"Yes, I understand you want to speak-a wit the pope."
Sister Anne,"Yes. The priest here has been telling the children some pretty radical things, and I just wanted to see what the Church thinks about Jews and the mentally handicapped."
Secretary,"Yes, well the pope is here, but please keep it brief. He is a-very old."
The Pope,Heh??
Sister Anne,"Hello, His Holiness. I want to ask you about people with mental disabilities."
The Pope,Heh?
Sister Anne,Do mentally-challenged people go to hell?
The Pope,"Ehhhhh, what's that you say?  Heh?!"
Sister Anne,Handicap. Mental handicap.
The Pope,Fibibiibibibibiibibih.
Sister Anne,...The priest here said that people with mental handicaps might end up in hell. Is that true?
The Pope,Eh-bibibiibibibibiibibibih.
Stan,Come on! This stupid light won't change.
Token,"Come on! Hurry up!  Hey, what are you guys doin'?"
Stan,We're goin' to church. We've sinned and so we have to confess again.
Butters,Uh us too. Uh we saw a picture of a naked lady. We could see her whole beaver.
Clyde,"Yeah. If we died right now, we'd have unclean souls and we'd burn in hell."
Stan,"Uh, come on, let's go."
Kenny,(Yow!)
Stan,"...Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!"
Butters,He had sins that he didn't confess!
Cartman,And he never took Communion!
Stan,He's doomed.
Clyde,...We've gotta get to that church before we die.
Cartman,Yeah.
Chris,Yeah.  That's hot.  You take it!  You take it now!
Satan,"Chris, what are you doing?"
Chris,"I'm just... I'm just trying to be a little more naughty in bed. I uh... I know that's what you like about sex with Saddam. I'm just... showin' you that I can be that way, too."
Satan,Oh boy.
Chris,"Uh huh. Yeah. You like that, don't you, bitch?  I'm a bad boy. Yeah. Take that."
Satan,"Chris, just... don't... don't do that."
Chris,But it turns you on.
Satan,"No, it's a- When Saddam did it, yeah, but uh..."
Chris,But what?
Satan,"Nothing. I just- I'm just- really tired is all. Can we- just, please go to sleep?  Chris, seriously. I'm just tired, okay?"
Chris,"Okay. I love you, Satan."
Satan,"I love you too, Saddam."
"Satan, Chris",Wuh?!
Satan,"Waw. Uhuh. I'm sorry, I mean, Chris."
Chris,"It's okay. It's okay. I, uh, I, I understand. ...I do."
Satan,I just need to go get some air. okay? I'll be back... really quick.
Chris,Yeah. Sure. Okay.
Cartman,"Come on, hurry up!"
Stan,Oh no! It's locked!
Cartman,What? No! It shouldn't be locked! We have to confess! We have to confess our sins before we die!
Butters,"Hey, there's a window in the back that's usually open."
Stan,Confession box is over there!
Cartman,"I'm first, I'm first!"
Woman,"Oh, huhuh."
Cartman,What the?
Priest Maxi,Whoa!  Son of a bitch!
Woman,"Eh, heheheheheheh."
Priest Maxi,"Uhuh. Kids, uh."
Stan,You're a sinner!
Cartman,You're doing unnatural things in the house of God!
Priest Maxi,"Oh! Huh huh. Huh huh.  Oh, forgive me, heavenly Father! I've sinned against you!"
Cartman,"Oh, this guy is so gonna burn!"
Priest Maxi,M-Mrs. Donovan is a temptress from hell!
Stan,"Dude, if this guy's goin' to hell, who's gonna save us?"
Cartman,"Well, it looks like we're gonna have to save Timmy, Kyle, and everyone else in this town from the angry hand of God ourselves!"
Damned Soul,"Oh, the pain!  Oh, the pain!"
Satan,"No, I can't.  What am I doing? I know this is the wrong thing to do. I could lose Chris. I can't do this.  I can't do this."
Cartman,"We have-uh repeatedly broken God's commandments-uh! We have lived our lives for ourselves-uh! Totally ignoring the Lord-uh!  If thy hand offend thee, cut it off!  It is much better for thee to enter into life maimed-"
Randy,"Oh, what the hell are they doing now?!"
Sister Anne,Oh no.
Stan,Pamphlet. Pamphlet.
Cartman,There is only one answer! As kids we must abandon this town of sin and start anew!
Girl,I don't wanna to go to hell.
Cartman,"It will be a long road, but at the end of that road is Salvation! And I am going to lead you there!"
Announcer,Previously on South Park...
Priest Maxi,"Today, we are going to talk about hell."
Saddam,"Hello, Satan!"
Satan,Saddam...
Sheila,Us Jews don't believe in hell.
Kyle,But what if we're wrong?
Stan,Let's go.
Stan,...they've killed Kenny!
Butters,He had sins that he didn't confess!
Satan,"No, Saddam, I told you. I'm with Chris now."
Priest Maxi,"Boys, it is your Christian duty to save the souls of your friends!"
Chris,"I love you, Satan."
Satan,"I love you too, Saddam."
Satan/Chris,Wuh?!
Richie,"Fonz, there's no way you can jump that shark with your water skis."
Fonzie,"Aaaay! I've gotta try, Richie."
Woman,"Oh, huhuh."
Stan,"Dude, if this guy's goin' to hell, who's gonna save us?"
Cartman,"Well, it looks like we're gonna have to save everyone in this town ourselves!"
Joanie,Go Fonz!!!
Fonzie,Aaaaaa--
Announcer,And now the exciting conclusion of... South Park.
Fonzie,—aaaaaayy-err.  No!  No!  No!  No!
Richie,I told him he couldn't do it.
Cartman,"I am saying this because we must be saved-uh. The Lord is powerful and he will smote the sinners and send them to everlasting hell-uh. If you do not live your life for Him-uh, then to the lake of fire you shall go-uh!"
Principal Victoria,"You see that, parents? Your children have refused to come into class since this morning. I'm afraid your son is the leader, Ms. Cartman.  Apparently he's read the entire Bible, and now he's scaring the hell out of everyone."
Liane,"Boopie-kins.  It's time to stop preaching damnation to everyone, sweetie."
Stan,"Don't you guys, um... persecrute our religious beliefs."
Kids,Yeah!
Sharon,"We are not trying to persecute you kids, but you're supposed to be in school."
Stan,What purpose does school have? The Bible says the only goal in this life is to praise God and get into heaven.
Kyle,"Yeah, this life is short. The afterlife is forever."
Principal Victoria,"Don't listen to them, kids. You have to go to school."
Cartman,"Many of you knew Kenny McCormick. He was a playful school-going eight-year-old. And then yesterday, he was  smacked down by the Lord-uh!  God bitch-slapped him right to the fiery depths of hell! So when will you go? Tomorrow? Ten years? Does it mattah?! No! Because unless you give this life to the Lord, that life belongs to Satan-uh!  But we cannot worship God in that church where that priest of sin resides,  so we will build a new church-uh. With crystal walls, a ceiling 80 feet high, and a slide that connects this part hmya  to this part hmya.  Who will help us?"
Kids,I will.
Cartman,Praise God-uh!
Satan,"If I go spend the night with Saddam, then it's over between me and Chris.  Chris has been so nice to me and I know Saddam will just hurt me again.  M-maybe I'll just go talk to Saddam. I need closure, yeah. That's it, I need closure.  What am I doing?"
Saddam,"What took yo so long, baby?"
Satan,"Saddam, I'm just here to talk."
Saddam,"Great! Let's talk!  Hmm, this bed is comfy-bumpy."
Satan,"Saddam, I only came here because I need closure."
Saddam,"Sounds fun. You know me, I'll try anything."
Satan,"No! Saddam, listen to me."
Saddam,Would you like a drink?
Satan,"Um, maybe just... a little one.  I have to go back soon. I need you to understand that we can't be together anymore.  I need you to not come by the condo and not try to see me. Chris thinks we can all be friends, but I don't. And I have to focus on Chris now.  What is this?"
Saddam,These hotels have all kinds of crazy channels.
Satan,"Saddam, will you listen to me?! Chris is a great person. He's the one I wanna be with now."
Saddam,"Really? So then... What are you doing here?  Well, I don't know about you, but this video is gettin' me pretty hot!"
Satan,Saddam...
Saddam,"Here, have another drink."
Satan,"Ooh, whoa... God, my head. Drank too much.  Chris?  Oh no!!"
Saddam,"Man, look at that! We went through 14 bottles of vegetable oil!  Ewuh, I'm all greasy."
Satan,"Oh God, what time is it?"
Saddam,Last night was awesome! Are we together again now?
Satan,"I don't know. I-I guess so, but now I have to go home and tell Chris."
Saddam,Screw him!!
Satan,"No, Saddam! I at least owe him an explanation!  I just don't know what I'm gonna say."
Saddam,I know how to solve this little problem.
Driver,"We are now entering Ensenada, the second largest city on the Mexican Baja Peninsula.  We have now traveled over 2000 miles since leaving New York City. We'll just be stopping here for a few moments for gas, and then our tour will continue onto its final destination."
Attendant,Oiga. Hay algo pegado bajo el autobus.
Driver,'Kay. What's stuck to the bottom of the bus?
Kenny,(Ahow..!)
Driver,"Oh, goodness! We must have run over a little Mexican further up north. Is it okay?"
Attendant,Pienso que sí.
Driver,"Well, here's fifty for the gas.  Adios."
Kenny,(Where am I?)
Attendant,¿Qué?
Kenny,(Where am I?)
Attendant,¿Qué?
Cartman,This is bea-utiful. Thine church is almost completed.
Stan,There's no way God will want to send us to hell now.
Kyle,"Yeah, this church kicks a-- Eh... I-it kicks!"
Gerald,"Hello, boys."
Kyle,"Don't try to take me away again, Mom and Dad! I told you! I renounced the Jewish faith!"
Sheila,"It's not that, Kyle. It's just that Eric's mother needs to see you all right away.  Just really quick; she says it's very important."
Cartman,"Very well. Yea. Guys, let us walk to mine home and see what mine mom wants."
Sheila,I sure hope this works.
Liane,"Hello, kiddies. I made you all powdered doughnut pancake surprise."
Stan,"Wow, cool."
Cartman,"No! This is a trick! Do not vex me, O temptress!"
Liane,What?
Cartman,"This is a distraction from our work on the church!  Do not think that you can tempt us with toys  and new games  and tidings of powdered doughnut pancake surprise! For it is the afterlife we have concerned ourselves with!  Not the pleasures of this Earth, but salvation in the world aftah!!"
Stan,Yeah!
Liane,"Oh. Well,  alrighty then."
Liane,I... don't think it worked.
All,Aww.
Cartman,"Let us get back to our work at the church.  Yea. I shall answer the phone, hyah.  Hello?"
Kenny,"(Cartman?! Cartman, you've gotta help me, and I'm not foolin' around!)"
Cartman,Oh my God!!
Stan,What?
Cartman,It's Kenny. He's calling from beyond the grave!
Stan,Kenny?!  What's he say?
Kyle,Ask him what hell is like.
Cartman,Kenny! You have to tell us about hell! Give us every last horrible detail!
Kenny,(Um...)
Satan,"Oh, God, Chris is gonna be so mad at me. Well, here it goes."
Chris,"Hey, you."
Satan,"Hi, Chris."
Chris,You... were out all night.
Satan,"Yeah, I just... spent the night walking around the marina."
Chris,"Satan. You know you're not a very good liar. You went and saw Saddam, didn't you?"
Satan,Yes.
Chris,"Satan, I understand."
Satan,What?
Chris,I still feel secure and safe with you.
Satan,"Oh, n-no!"
Chris,What? What's wrong? I said it's okay.
Satan,I know.
Chris,"Well, what more do you want from me?"
Satan,"Well... could you not be such a pussy about it? I mean, can't you just say ""If you ever see Saddam again, I'll break your legs!"" or, or ""I'm gonna go kick Saddam's ass!"" or something?"
Chris,"Satan, I'm a '90s man. I cry when I need to. I share my feelings and I keep my mind open about everything."
Satan,"Just... give me some boundaries, be jealous, go throw a football around, for Christ's sake."
Chris,Now you're starting to hurt my feelings.
Satan,"Ah—I'm sorry, Chris, it's... it's not you, really, it's, it's me.  You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and for some reason, I just can't accept that."
Saddam,"Die, pussy!"
Chris,Agghhh!
Satan,"Chris!  Saddam, what the hell are you doing?!"
Saddam,There. I got rid of the problem for you. Now there's no conflict.
Satan,No! Not like this..!
Cartman,"Friends, I have to tell you that last night I received a phone call from beyond the grave-eh.  It was our departed friend, Kenny! Calling from the depths of hell! And he described what hell is like in horrid detail-uh.  He said that in hell, the smell is awful. He said that in hell, everyone speaks Spanish."
Kids,Wagghh..!
Cartman,"He said there is water in hell, but if you drink it you pee blood out your ass for seven hours-uh!"
Kids,Whoa!
Cartman,"And perhaps worst of all, in hell, there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores! But they all have the same little trinkets in them-eh!"
Kids,Wagghh!
Father,Where is our daughter?
Heidi,Dad?
Father,Marcy! You're coming home this instant!
Cartman,"We are saving your daughter from the clutches of hell, suh!"
Father,You're not gonna make my daughter part of your cult!
Cartman,"Your daughter could die tomorrow, and then what?!"
Father,You're just a stupid little fat kid who thinks that--  Aagghh--!
Mother,"Stephen?  Stephen, no!"
Cartman,"The Lord has spoken again-uh! O, forgive us, Lord, for our sins-uh!"
Kids,"Forgive us, Lord."
Cartman,"Let us pray.  Heavenly Father, do not send us to hell. We're sorry. Whatever we did, we're sorry."
Mother,Stephen? Stephen?
Stephen,Where... where am I?
Man,Where are we?
Man 2,No doubt about it...
Woman,What's happening??
Man 3,Oooooooooh!
Speaker,"Hello, newcomers, and welcome. Can everybody hear me?  Hello? Can everyb--? Okay.  Uh, I'm the hell director. Uh, it looks like we have about 8,615 of you newbies today, and for those of you who are a little confused, uh, you are dead, and this is hell, so, abandon all hope and uh yada yada yada. Uh, we are now going to start the orientation process, which will last about--"
Man 4,"Hey, wait a minute, I shouldn't be here. I was a totally strict and devout Protestant! I thought we went to heaven!"
Hell Director,"Yes, well I'm afraid you were wrong."
Soldier,I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.
Hell Director,"Uh, you picked the wrong religion as well."
Man 5,"Well, who was right? Who gets into heaven?"
Hell Director,"I'm afraid it was the Mormons. Yes, the Mormons were the correct answer."
Crowd,Awww.
Hell Director,"So now I'd like to quickly introduce your new ruler and master for eternity, Satan."
Satan,Oooyeah!
Crowd,Aaggghh!
Satan,"Now you are all part of my domain! Everyday in hell grows larger as my minions... my m-minions uh...  muh, I'm sorry. I just can't do this today. I'm just... I'm sorry."
Hell Director,"Uh, okay. Thank you, Satan. Now, uh, let's begin with the Muslims..."
Chris,Satan!  'Scuse me. Excuse me.
Satan,Chris!  But I thought you were dead!
Chris,"Yeah, well, where was I gonna go? Detroit?"
Satan,"Chris, I didn't mean for Saddam to stab you in--"
Chris,"Hey, it's alright. All that matters is that I'm back, and we're together forever. Right?"
Satan,Uh... yeah. Gr-great.
Crowd,Awww.
Cartman,"Let's see... Matthew 15:11. ""Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which comes out of the mouth defileth a man."" That's a good one, Clyde Frog. Interesting."
Liane,"Eric, Sister Anne has come to visit you."
Cartman,"Yea. It is nice to see you, Sister, but I must prepare for my next sermon."
Sister Anne,"Eric, you need to stop what you're doing. You need to tell all the kids to go back to school, and back to their normal lives."
Cartman,"Sister, have you read this book?"
Sister Anne,"Yes, Eric. A lot more than you have."
Cartman,Then you know what it says happens to those who don't follow the Lord-uh.
Sister Anne,"Eric, the Lord just doesn't send everybody to hell. That wouldn't make sense. He wants people to live their lives."
Cartman,Are you saying that what the Bible says isn't true?
Sister Anne,No.
Cartman,"We've got Jews and perverts and bullies and all kinds of sinners in this town, Sister Anne-uh! And without the priest we've decided to save ourselves. The only ones that kids can trust now are me and Jesus!"
Sister Anne,Uugh..!  Wait a minute. That's it.
Televangelist,...And I'm gonna save all of you right now.  I'm gonna heal your sins-eh.
Cartman,Well...
Saddam,"Hello Satan-ooh, crap! It's you!"
Chris,Yeah. It's me.
Saddam,I thought I killed you!
Chris,Yeah...
Saddam/Chris,"Well, where was I gonna go? Detroit?"
Saddam,"Right, right."
Chris,Do you have a couple of minutes to go for a walk?
Saddam,A walk?
Chris,Yeah. Just real quick. Around the park or somethin'.
Saddam,Is this some kind of trick?
Chris,"No, I just want you to go for a quick walk with me. Please?"
Saddam,"Well, alright. Just let me grab somethin' real quick.  Okay, let's walk."
Chris,"Saddam, I get the feeling that you don't like me very much."
Saddam,"Gee, whatever gave you that idea? When I stabbed you in the head?"
Chris,"Look, Satan is a very important person to me. And I know he's an important person to you, too. So don't you think it's best for us to just... try and get along? I realize that some things about me bother you. So I'd like to hear what those things are so that I can work on them."
Saddam,"You know why I don't like you, Chris? Because you're the kind of guy who, if someone didn't like him, would take him for a walk in the park and ask him why. You're a pussy!"
Chris,Agghhh!  Oh God!
Saddam,Ah hahaha!
Chris,Nooo! Agh!
Saddam,Aggghhh!
Chris,Ow!  Goo-aagh..!
Cartman,"Today this Jewish boy and all sinners are going to be saved-uh! Kyle, do you believe in God-uh?"
Kyle,Yes!
Cartman,Do you want to be saved from hell-uh?!
Kyle,Yes!
Cartman,"That's good, because right now, all the Jewness is comin' out of your body, bein' replaced by the Spirit of God-uh!  Theah!"
Kyle,Ow!
Cartman,Praise God! How do you feel now? Do you feel the light of God inside o'ya?
Kyle,"Uh, I think so."
Cartman,Praise the Lord-uh!
Crowd,Praise the Lord. Hallelujah! Praise God!
Cartman,"For he is Lord, he is Lord... Bring up the next person!  This boy has been crippled with sin-uh. But I hear God saying that this boy will walk!"
Butters,Huh-Hallelujah!
Timmy,Timmiiiy!
Cartman,We are gonna save you and you are gonna walk with the Lord-uh!
Timmy,Timmiiiy!
Cartman,Devil be  gone-uh!
Timmy,Haagggh.
Cartman,"Now walk, Timmih!"
Timmy,Haagggh.
Cartman,"Come on, Timmy, get out of that chair-uh!"
Timmy,Haghh.
Cartman,"The Lord wants you to walk, Timmih! Oo-walk, Timmih!"
Timmy,Timmilih?
Cartman,He walks-uh!
Kids,Whoa!
Timmy,Oh-aagghhh!
Cartman,Yes! Praise the Lord!
Kids,Praise the Lord!
Satan,"And now it's like there's one guy who's horrible to me but I'm totally sexually attracted to, and then one guy who's really nice to me but I'm not sexually attracted to at all."
Blonde Girl,"Wow, that really sucks."
Satan,"I've asked everybody for advice, but nobody seems to know the answer."
Blonde Girl,"Well, there is one person who I always used to ask when I needed advice."
Satan,Who?
Blonde Girl,God.
Satan,"God?? I can't do that. I haven't spoken to God in like, 5000 years."
Blonde Girl,"Well then, maybe it's time."
Kids,Do dodo dum do dodoDo dodo dum do dodo
Cartman,"For he is LordLord, Lord, LordWhere are you from, little boy?"
Boy,Denver.
Cartman,And God is telling me that you have... bad eyesight. Is that it?
Boy,"Yeah, that's right."
Kids,Wooooo!
Cartman,"Well, God is gonna heal those eyes, and save you from the devil begone!"
Boy,Aghh...
Kids,Hooray!
Cartman,"For he is LordLord, Lord, LordRight here we have a little girl who is very, very ugly! Do you believe he is gonna cure your face of the uglies?!"
Ugly Girl,Yes!
Cartman,He is gonna take that ugly face and make you reasonable to look at!  Bah!
Ugly Girl,Wagh...
Cartman,"Bwolololololololololololo! Oh, good Lord, somebody say ""Amen!"""
Kids,Amen!
All,"Lord, Lord, Lord"
Mormon 1,"Hi hi, welcome to heaven, brother. You've followed the Mormon faith, and so you've been let in!"
Satan,"Uh, actually, I'm just stopping by."
Mormon 2,"Well, you've picked a great time! We've got cookies and punch and we're just about to start playing charades."
Mormons,Alright. Yeah.
Mormon 1,"And then, Brother Stephen's brought his guitar so we can sing songs about how much it hurts to lie."
Mormons,Ooooh!
Mormon 3,Yeahahah!
Satan,"Ah, look, I just need to talk with God. Is he around?"
Mormon 2,Sure. All you have to do is say his name and he's there.
Mormon 1,I'm so grateful for that.
Mormons,"Me, too. Uh huh."
Satan,Great. Thanks.
Satan,Ah... Hello? G-God? It's uh... Satan.
God,"Yea. Look upon me, and know me."
Satan,"Hi, God."
God,"Hello, Satan.  It's... been a long time."
Satan,Yeah.
God,What brings you here? Do you wish to mount your unholy war against heaven?
Satan,"No, I have a problem, and I... need your advice."
God,You want to rule more than hell? You want to destroy the Earth?
Satan,"No, it's kind of a long story but, well, it all started when this Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein,  was killed by a pack of wild boars. I remember when I first met him in hell. It was a lovely morning in April..."
Cartman,"Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! And now, I'm receiving a message directly from God-uh! God is telling me that... each and every one of you is to walk up to the stage, and give me one dollar!  So I want everyone to feel the love of God by coming up heah,  and putting a dollar in the box-ah!  Come on, don't be shy! Come on now!"
Stan,"Dude, that seems kind of... weird."
Kyle,Yeah. I don't remember him saying anything about this.
Satan,...And now Chris and Saddam just keep killing each other over and over and... I don't know which one to pick.
God,"Jesus, what the hell happened to you?"
Satan,Huh?
God,You got kicked out of here for being a headstrong rebel. And now you're a whiny little bitch.
Satan,"Well, I just don't know which one to pick."
God,"No, you've become dependent on relationships. So you haven't even considered the option of not being with either of them.  And if you're not sexually attracted to someone, you're not ever going to be. But Saddam isn't right either. He's the other extreme. You need to spend time alone so that you can find the balance, the middle ground. That's what I always do, because I'm a Buddhist."
Satan,"God, you're right. You know, I've had steady relationships for the last... thousand years, and when one ends I just start another one, but... I haven't taken the time to be secure with myself."
God,Bingo.
Satan,"Hey... Thanks, God. I forgot how clear you make things sometimes."
God,"It was nice to see you again, Satan."
Satan,You too.
God,Goodbye.
Mormon 2,Would you like to stay for some cookies and punch?
Mormon 1,"Yes, would you?"
Satan,"Uh, no, I need to be getting back."
Mormon 2,"Oh, alright then, but you're gonna miss our big play."
Mormon 4,Yes. We're going to do a play about how alcohol can ruin family life.
Satan,"Wow. That sounds great, but uh, I really  gotta go."
Mormon 1,"Well, he seemed like a nice fellow."
Mormon 4,Yes.
Mormon 2,Let's go make things out of egg cartons.
Mormons,"Oooh, yeah. I'll do that."
Cartman,"Yeess.  Yeess.  It worked, you guys, it actually worked!"
Stan,What worked?
Cartman,Eh-everybody bought the whole act! They keep giving and giving until we have it all!
Stan/Kyle,What?
Kyle,You're keeping that money yourself?
Cartman,"Of course, you guys! And then we can make... ten million dollars!  Look, the tooth fairy thing didn't work, the boy band thing didn't last, so I tried this route."
Stan,Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait. You mean that this whole thing has just been a way for you to make ten million dollars?
Cartman,"It all came to me days ago, when we were first in Sunday school."
Stan,"Well, what about going to hell and all that?!"
Cartman,"Dude, if God is all-understanding, he wouldn't send us to hell. Even Sister Anne told me that."
Kyle,Then why didn't you tell us?!
Cartman,"My brain is of a much larger size than you guys's. I couldn't expect you to understand, not until you actually saw the cash flow!"
Kyle,The only thing of yours that's larger in size is your big fat ass!
Cartman,Suck my balls!
Stan,"Dude, I an so disillusioned right now."
Saddam,"Die, pussy!"
Chris,Ow..!
Saddam,Aagghh!
Chris,Aagghh!
Satan,"Guys, guys, guys!  Look, you both can stop fighting now! I've made a decision."
Chris,You have?
Satan,Yes. I... don't want to be with either one of you.
Chris/Saddam,What?!
Satan,"Saddam, you're an asshole. And you'll never be the friend that I want. And Chris, well, you're a pussy. And you'll never be the lover I want.  So I'm just gonna be alone for a while and learn to like myself."
Chris,Satan. Can we go for a walk in the park?
Satan,"No, I'm not going on a walk! You're a pussy, Chris, and you drive me crazy; go away!"
Chris,Fine.
Saddam,"Hell, you can't leave me, Satan! I won't let you!"
Cartman,Today is another day! And that's another dollar the Lord needs from you-uh! So come on up and give to the Lord-uh!
Sister Anne,"Alright kids, it's time to go. It's time for this to stop!"
Cartman,Sister Anne is a blasphemer!
Sister Anne,I know you won't listen to me. That's why I brought somebody else.
Kids,Wow!
Butters,Jesus!
Cartman,Uh-oh.
Jesus,"Kids, you need to all stop spending all your time here and go back to school."
Cartman,"Jesus, ix-nay on the ool-schay."
Jesus,"God doesn't want you to spend all your time being afraid of hell, or praising His name. God wants you to spend your time helping others, and living a good, happy life. That's how you live for Him."
Cartman,"Ee-yes, by doing that,  and, putting a dollar in the box-uh!"
Bebe,Let's go ice-skating.
Girls,Yea!
Butters,"Uh, we can help Timmy learn how to ice-skate, too."
Boy,Yeah.
Cartman,"No, come back! You face everlasting damnation!  Wait! No! No!  I can't be cheated out of my ten million dollars again! God damnit!"
Kyle,"Serves you right, Cartman!"
Stan,Yeah!
Jesus,"But Eric, I think this time I have to teach you a lesson. I'm sending you somewhere to think about your sins!"
Cartman,You're gonna send me to hell?
Jesus,No. Worse!
Kenny,(Eric! Eric!)
Cartman,"Aw, crap!"
Satan,"Hi, Bob. Hi, Rick."
Rick,"Hi, Satan."
Saddam,There you are!
Satan,Awgh... Not again.
Saddam,You know you can't live without me. Now get that ass back to bed!
Satan,"Saddam, I told you, I don't need you anymore!"
Saddam,"You can't leave me, Satan. Nobody leaves me."
Satan,"Yes, I can! Raaarrr!"
Saddam,"Aw, you little..prick!"
Satan,"Goodbye forever, Saddam!"
Saddam,"What are you talking about? You can kill me, but I'll be back tomorrow."
Satan,Not this time. I asked a favor of an old friend of mine to let you in.
Saddam,Let me in where?
Saddam,"What the..? Hey, what the hell is this place?!"
Mormon 5,"Hello, and welcome."
Mormon 1,"We're glad you made it, brother."
Saddam,"Ey, who the hell are you?"
Mormon 6,"We're just about to do a play, about how much stealing hurts you deep inside. Come join us."
Mormons,Yes. Come on. Let's go.
Mormon 6,You're here forever.
Saddam,Nooo! N-nooooooooooo!
Stan,"Well, here we are, dude, the first day of fourth grade."
Kyle,Yeah. No more getting pushed around by fourth graders!
Kyle,"Hey! We're fourth-graders now, too!"
Kyle,"Ungh, gay, dude."
Stan,"Dude, we gotta find some third-graders to beat up.  Hey, come here"
Younger Boy,What?
Stan,What grade are you going into?
Younger Boy,Thi-ird
Stan,Stupid third grader!
Cartman,"Yeah,  get out of here!"
Younger Boy,Uhuhuhow.
Cartman,"There, that's better."
Kyle,"You know, I heard our fourth-grade teacher is some new lady from Denver."
Stan,Denver?
Cartman,"U-hoh, dude, we could walk all over her."
Kyle,He's right. We have to take a hard stance right now and establish that we're the dominant ones in this relationship!
Stan,"Alright.  Hey, listen up everybody!  We need to stand up to this new teacher and insert ourselves! Let's all do something radical!"
Clyde,Like what?
Stan,"Like... ah, how about right at 8:35 we all jump up on our desks and pull down our pants and shout, ""KISS MY ASS!!!"" all together!"
The Kids,YEAH!!!
Cartman,"Why, that's PERfect!"
Butters,"Well, buh wuh when we pull our pants down,  should we stand frontways or back? I mean, do we show 'er our... behinds, or-ar our w-wieners?"
Stan,"...I think showing her our asses should be quite sufficient, Butters."
Butters,"Uh-uh, maybe we could stand like this , with our wieners pokin' through the back of our legs, you know, and give 'er a nice fruit bowl."
Kyle,...Yeah. Or we could just show our asses.
Stan,"Okay, so it's decided. When the clock hits 8:35 we all stand up on our desks, pull down our pants and yell, ""KISS MY ASS!!!"""
Kyle,Together we are strong!
The Kids,YEAH!!!
Clyde,"Hey, Timmy might need some help pulling his pants down."
Stan,"We got you covered, Timmy."
Timmy,Timmay!
Kyle,"Whoa, dude, this is our new classroom?"
Butters,"Huhuh, look at all this stuff."
Cartman,"Hey, what the hell is with these little half-desks?"
Stan,"Dude, look at the walls.  Everything is written in some strange, foreign language."
New Teacher,"Alright, children, quiet down. Welcome to the fourth grade."
Kyle,"Holy God, dude!"
Kenny,(Those titties are fuckin' huge!)
New Teacher,My name is Ms. Choksondik.
Stan,"...More like, Ms. Makesmesick."
Kyle,Yeah!
Ms. Choksondik,"Play time is over, children! Do you understand me?!  I don't know how your last teacher behaved, but this is the fourth grade!  And it is time to go to work!"
Cartman,"KISS MY ASS!!!  Oh, weak, you guys. Seriously weak."
Ms. Choksondik,"Well, young man, I hope you have a good explanation for this."
Cartman,"Oh, I'm sure I do."
Ms. Choksondik,This is the fourth grade! You need to grow up!
Cartman,I'm trying.
Ms. Choksondik,"Now, get back to your desk and write a thousand-word essay on why you feel you need to disrupt my class."
Cartman,"Fantastic, then."
Ms. Choksondik,"Now, let us begin our first-day exam.  SILENCE!"
Stan,What a bitch!
Kyle,And did you see her lazy eye? You can't even tell what she's looking at.
Cartman,You guys are all such pussies!
Tweek,"I can't take it, man! Writing in cursive?? Fractions?? I can't do i-it!"
Stan,This is it. The end of innocence.  This is the loss of that playful youth all our parents told us about.
Kyle,I just didn't think it would come so soon.
Cartman,Yeah. Only now do we realize how much we all took the third grade for granted.
Kyle,Huh?
Cartman,"Everything was great in third grade. And now that it's all over, we're starting to see just how special it was.Remember how it used to be in the Third Grade?We used to laugh and play and cherish each day in the Third GradeWe learned wondrous things from a teacher so niceSat on marshmallow desks with teddy-bear smilesThe world seemed to all make sensebut that sense seems to slowly fadeAfter Third GradeIn the Third Grade we used to write with crayonsWe would make sparkly pictures with glitter and glueWe had warm cookies and hearts full of loveAnd there wasn't a care in the world of me... of you...There's not a thing in this life that I wouldn't trade just to go back, for one minuteTo Third Grade"
Kyle,Wow! I had already forgotten how great third grade was.
Butters,Huh-it sure was.
Cartman,I wish I was still there.
Stan,"Hey, that's it! We gotta go back to third grade!"
Kyle,How?
Stan,We travel back in time.
Kyle,"Oh yeah, time travel."
Butters,Oowuh how are we gonna do that? Does it hurt?  I don't wanna do it if it hurts. Or if it... makes you get all sticky.
Stan,It can't be that bad. People do it on TV all the time.
Cartman,"Yeah, we just have to find somebody who knows how to do it."
Kyle,"Well, what about those two college guys next door to me? They're always doing science experiments in their basement."
Cartman,"Yeah, if there's a way to travel back in time, those two dorks will know how!"
Nerd #1,"When it comes to time-traveling theory, there are basically two school of thought. The Spock Theory is that a sling shot around the sun could create a wormhole in which time could not escape. The Lieutenant Commander Data Theory, however, is that a nag vibration could create a rip in the time-space continuum-"
Cartman,"Look, whatever it takes, we just have to get back to third grade."
Nerd #2,"Time-travel is no laughing matter. Four times the Enterprise went back in time, and four times they almost didn't make it back."
Stan,"We don't want to make it back, we want to stay there."
Nerd #1,Oh.
Kyle,So can you do it?
Nerd #2,"It's all theoretical, but from a scientific standpoint, the creation of a rip in space-time is possible. We just need to find an inertia device."
Nerd #1,Heeeyyy.  This kid's electric wheelchair might be just what we need.
Timmy,Tuh-timmih?
Principal Victoria,"Oh, this new fourth-grade teacher is driving me nuts!"
Chef,What's the problem?
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, you see, Chef, Ms. Choksondik has very large, uh, honkers, and she doesn't seem to like wearing a bra."
Chef,You call that a problem? That sounds like heaven to me.
Mr. Mackey,"No, it's really not as nice as you might imagine, Chef, m'kay."
Ms. Choksondik,"Principal Victoria, I would like a word!"
Chef,Oooo! Call the doctor!
Ms. Choksondik,"My new students are the most misbehaved, illiterate, brain-dead group of children I have ever come across!"
Principal Victoria,"Well, Miss... Choksondik, those children did fairly well in the third grade."
Ms. Choksondik,"One of them is mentally handicapped, for Christ's sake!"
Principal Victoria,Oh? Which one?
Ms. Choksondik,"The one in the wheelchair! Look, I would like to have a talk with their last year's teacher! Who was it? Mr. Uh-heh, Garrison?!"
Principal Victoria,I'm afraid that's impossible. Nobody's seen Mr. Garrison since the last school year ended.
Ms. Choksondik,Why?! Where did he go?!
Mr. Mackey,We... don't like to talk about it.
Ms. Choksondik,But I need help reaching these kids! I have nothing but the highest expectations for them. And with  God as my witness-
The Adults,Aww Oooo!
Ms. Choksondik,"I'm going to teach these kids the wonders of the world, so that they can reach the top!  I hope that sometime very soon you will let me in on what happened to this Mr. Garrison! And with that I will bid you good day!"
Principal Victoria,"Wuh sure thing, fine, bye-bye then."
Nerd #1,"Alright, when we power up, the handicapped kid's chair will accelerate at a high rate of speed about 10 feet that way , then make the required magnetic vibrations."
Nerd #2,"If the fields are right, it should then create a wormhole up near the front of the classroom."
Wendy,"You guys don't actually think this is going to work, do you?"
Nerd #1,"Now, eh, when you all see a wormhole, yuh-you guys are gonna have about 4.2 seconds to run through it."
Nerd #2,"And on the other side you will find yourself in exactly the same spot, only one year ago."
Stan,Back in the third grade.
Kids,Cool/Wow.
Kyle,"I can't wait until the teacher yells at us this time, and we all tell her to suck our balls!"
Kids,Yeah!
Stan,Oh! Here she comes.
Ms. Choksondik,"Alright, children, I hope you all did your homework last night. Please pass your papers up to the frontuh."
Cartman,"Suck my balls!!!  Oh, God-damnit, you guys, I am so seriously-"
Ms. Choksondik,"I said, pass your papers to the fronteh!"
Cartman,"We didn't do our homework, Ms. Makesmesick! We didn't feel like it!"
Ms. Choksondik,It's Choksondik! And you are all going to have detention!
Cartman,"Hahaa! Charade you are, teacher! I'm afraid we have different plans! Gentlemen?"
Nerd #1,Primary fusion initiated.
Nerd #2,Molecular grenadine active.
Timmy,Aa-aa-ah!
Ms. Choksondik,What are you doing?!
Cartman,"We're going back in time to third grade! Goodbye, teacher! Perhaps we shall see you in another year! Hahaaa!"
Timmy,Timmaaaaaaaaah!  Timmaaaaaaaaah!
Nerd #1,I didn't think it would work.
Nerd #2,Me neither.
Ms. Choksondik,"Well, well, well! I'd say somebody has some explaining to do!"
Cartman,You're damn right they do!
Kyle,Dude! Timmy's chair is packed with all that stuff! We've gotta help him!
Stan,Yeah!
Kyle,Come on!
Ms. Choksondik,"Children! Children, come back here!"
Stan,"Timmy, you have to stop!"
Nerd #1,No!
Stan,No??
Nerd #1,"Look, the system malfunctions if he stops. The nuclear core can bake his magnetic field and the whole chair will blow sky-high."
Kyle,What?! Timmy! You've got to get off that chair!
Nerd #1,No!
Kyle,No??
Nerd #2,"We've rigged the chair to be sensitive to his weight. If he gets off, the whole thing blows!"
Stan,"So if Timmy drops his speed below five miles an hour the chair blow, and if he gets off, the chair blows?"
The Nerds,Yup.
Stan,My God!
Anchor Tom,It's been over three hours since the police first showed up on the scene of a handicapped boy's wheelchair set with explosives.
Stan,"Over here, over here!"
Anchor Tom,"The child can't stop or get off the chair without risking explosion, and so the SWAT team will now attempt to disarm the device."
Timmy,Timmi-hih-ih!
SWAT Hansen,"Closer!  Don't worry, son. Just watch your speed and stay still!"
Pilot,"Look out, Hansen!"
SWAT rescuer Hansen,Oh!
Brunette,Aaaah!
Timmy,Timmaaay!
Hansen,"Dear Jesus! Hang on, lady!"
Brunette,"Oh my God, what's going on?"
Hansen,"Ma'am, be very careful! That wheelchair is set to explode!"
Brunette,What?!  AAAH!! Omigod! Omigod!
Hansen,It's okay! Just stay calm and keep the speed above 5!
Brunette,O-kay. O-kay. Omigod.
Timmy,Tih-Timmah?
Brunette,Okay. I kept the speed at 5.
Hansen,Good! What's the wheelchair's battery power at?
Brunette,Oh my God! Less than 20 minutes!
Stan,Less than 20 minutes?!
Kyle,Oh no! What have we done?!
Principal Victoria,Whattaya think? Too forward?
Ms. Choksondik,I HAVE HAD IT!!!
Principal Victoria,Waaah!
Ms. Choksondik,"These children are out of control! I must speak with their last year's teacher, Mr. Garrison!"
Principal Victoria,"As we said before, that's impossible."
Ms. Choksondik,What in God's name happened to him?
Chef,"Uuuh, Ms. Choksondik, Mr. Garrison had several uuh, eee-motional issues. He was a closet homosexual who hated gay people. Whenever someone asked him if he was gay, he'd go nuts."
Principal Victoria,And then he was accused of trying to solicit sex from a young boy.
Mr. Mackey,"After being dismissed from teaching, he went off to write romance novels. His first novel sold well and everything was fine until he found out that his novel won the gay Pulitzer Prize, and was considered the best homoerotic novel since Huckleberry Finn."
Principal Victoria,He finally snapped and had a nervous breakdown and... went up into the mountains to live in solitude.
Chef,"Some say that on cold nights you can still hear him moanin', ""I'm not gaaay! I'm not gaaay!"""
Mr. Garrison,Iii'mmm nnnooottt gggaaayyy!!!
Ms. Choksondik,"And, nobody has found him?"
Mr. Mackey,"Well, we really haven't ll-looked."
Ms. Choksondik,I see.  Then the only way I'll find the secret to teaching these kids is to go up into those mountains and find Mr. Garrison myself!
Principal Victoria,But he could be anywhere up high in those mountains.
Ms. Choksondik,"Oh, I'll find him! Even if I have to climb up  and up  and up!"
"Chef, Victoria, Mackey",NOOO!!
Ms. Choksondik,What?
Brunette,"Oh my God, Oh my God!"
Field Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing about two miles outside of Denver where the darling handicapped boy fights for his life on a wheelchair of death.  Guys, can you tell us what kind of explosive we're actually dealing with here."
Nerd #1,"Uh, well, it's a simple hydrogen-fusion core with a veltig reactant-"
Timmy,"Ah, please help!"
Nerd #2,Which just turned into a time bomb.
Timmy,Please help.
Nerd #1,This has never happened in all the 72 original Star Trek episodes.
Nerd #2,"Yah... wait, you mean 73 episodes."
Nerd #1,"...No, there were 72."
Nerd #2,No there weren't!
Nerd #1,"Oh, you are such a nerd!"
Field Reporter,"Tom, I understand that now, the rescuers are gonna try and send in one of the handicapped boy's little friends, in an attempt to keep him calm and hopefully, disarm the device."
Hansen,"It's alright, everything's goin' tuh be fine."
Brunette,Oh my God!
Hansen,"Alright, young man, when you get underneath that wheelchair, I want you to relay back to me with this walkie-talkie, and then I'll tell you which wires to cross. Ready?"
Kenny,"(Yes, sir!)"
Hansen,Go below!
Kenny,(Hi guys.)  (Uh oh.)  (Uff. I'm okay.)  (I'm oKAAAYYYYYYY!!!)
Stan,"Well, who didn't see that coming?"
Brunette,Oh my God! Oh my God!
Hansen,Stay calm! You have to stay calm!
Brunette,But if we got off the chair it blows up!
Hansen,"No no, that's only if the boy gets off."
Brunette,Oh.  See ya!
Timmy,Timmih!
Pilot,"Ten seconds, Hansen!"
Stan,"...nine, eight..."
Timmy,Please-a help me.
Pilot,"...six, five..."
Timmy,Please help me. Please help me.
Hansen,"Got it! I think! Up, up!"
Timmy,Timmay!
Nerd #1,"Hey, it did work."
Ms. Choksondik,"Hello-oo-ooo.  Oh, what am I doing? I'm gonna get myself killed.  Is anyone here?  Mister? Mr. Garrison?"
Mr. Garrison,Who-? Who are you? What do you want?
Ms. Choksondik,I am the new fourth grade teacher. I've come to... seek your help.  Please. I don't know how to handle the new fourth graders. I've tried everything. I need to know how you taught them.
Mr. Garrison,"No! No, I... haven't... taught in over... eight... months."
Ms. Choksondik,"Mr. Garrison, you knew how to reach these kids! You're my only hope!"
Mr. Garrison,"Do you know what it is to be a teacher, Ms....?"
Ms. Choksondik,Choksondik.
Mr. Garrison,No I don't!  IT'S A LIE! You see? That's what you get for bein' a teacher! You work and you work for the children and then people start rumors that you're gay even though you love poontang!
Ms. Choksondik,"Mr. Garrison, these children are depending on me to give them a future. I can't do it without your guidance. Please! Help me, for them! For the future of our children!"
Mr. Garrison,...Two hundred bucks.
Ms. Choksondik,...Done.
Stan,Dude! You gotta build us another time machine!
Nerd #1,Huh? Oh... Can't.
Kyle,"What do you mean, ""can't""?! You made it work; just build us another one!"
Nerd #1,"I can't, because pizza-face isn't here! We're not on speaking terms! We got in a big fight and he moved all his stuff out!"
Stan,W-what did you get in a fight about?
Nerd #1,There's 73 original Star Treks! He keeps saying there's 72!
Stan,"Oh, Jesus Christ! You've got to be kidding me!"
Nerd #1,No! He actually thinks there's 72.!
Cartman,"Look, dude, can't you just build us another machine without him?"
Nerd #1,"No. Pizza-face took all his equipment home to his mom's. Now, if you can go over there and get him to admit that he's wrong..."
Stan,"Alright, come on, guys.  Man, I can't believe we have to do this while Timmy's already back in time!"
Kyle,Yeah! Timmy's probably back in third grade right now living it up!
Timmy,Timmah! Timmaaaaahhh!
Mr. Garrison,"Alright, let's try it again."
Ms. Choksondik,"""Children, we are now going to do math problems."""
Mr. Garrison,"""But teacher, I don't want to do my math problems."""
Ms. Choksondik,"""Uuh! Ah, you will do them or else you'll be in very big trouble!"""
Mr. Garrison,"""Well, I'm not gong' to do it, teacher! You can just suck my balls!"""
Ms. Choksondik,"""Don't use that kind of language, young man!"""
Mr. Garrison,NOOO!
Ms. Choksondik,No??
Mr. Garrison,"Look, you can't counter a profane command with an idle threat! You must extinguish it with a vulgar suggestion! When a child says, ""Suck my balls,"" you say, ""Present them."""
Ms. Choksondik,Oh.
Mr. Garrison,"Now, let's try it again.  SUCK MY BALLS!"
Ms. Choksondik,Pre-sent them?
Mr. Garrison,"Good.  Very good.  You're ready to move on to the next level. But I warn you: we will now be diving deep into your own psyche. These children know what scares you, and so we, too, must face those demons."
Ms. Choksondik,I'm ready. I'm not afraid.
Mr. Garrison,You will be! You will be!  You will be.
Stan,"God-damnit, this is ridiculous."
Nerd #2,What?!
Stan,"Dude, can you please just stop fighting with your friend and build another machine so we can travel back in time to the third grade?"
Nerd #2,"Look! There aren't 73 episodes of Star Trek, there are 72! ""The Menagerie"" was a 2-parter that counts as one episode! Pizza-face is wrong!"
Cartman,Who the hell cares?!
Nerd #2,I know! Why does he have to be such a dick about it?!
Kyle,Wouldn't it be better to just agree with him and forget the whole thing?
Nerd #2,"No, because he's WRONG!"
Kyle,"Look. You guys built a machine together that can bend time. If you'll just agree with him, you can build another one and usher in a whole new era of science!"
Nerd #2,And live in a world of 72 original Star Treks? I don't think so! I don't want to live in that world.
Cartman,"God, these guys are such geek dumbasses!"
Stan,I know.
Butters,"Yeh-hah. They don't even realize that ""The Menagerie"" originally was the pilot and later got split up into two episodes, eh ha ha. Ha ha.  Hahahaha, eh the, eh the dumbasses."
Stan,Wait a minute! I've got it.
Nerd #2,What?!
Stan,"Dude, if you guys build another time machine, you can travel back in time and ask the creator of Star Trek how many episodes there were!"
Nerd #2,"Dude, Jesus, you're right."
Mr. Garrison,This is it: The Tree of Insight. You must go in and face what lives inside.
Ms. Choksondik,What lives inside?
Mr. Garrison,Hell if I know. I wouldn't go in there.
Ms. Choksondik,"Oh, alrighty.  What the? Why there's nothing in here but an exit to the other side!  There's nothing in here at all. ...Oh, and I actually thought my mental demons would be in here.  Wait a minute. Maybe there's not supposed to be anything in here. Maybe I'm supposed to see that I alone do have the strength to reach the kids!  I think I get it now!"
Mr. Garrison,"Hey, hurry up in there!  Jesus.  You're taking too long in the damn Tree of Insight!  You in there?!  Hey, where the hell did she go?  What the?  Haaa! Who? Who are you?"
Clean Garrison,I am you.  I am your gay side.
Unkempt Garrison,"My gay side, uh- I DON'T HAVE A GAY SIDE!!!"
Clean Garrison,You must face me at last.
Unkempt Garrison,You aren't real! You can't be!
Clean Garrison,"It is me, your darkest fear. Your gay self, incarnate."
Unkempt Garrison,What do you want?
Clean Garrison,"I want you to not fight me anymore. To accept me, once and for all."
Unkempt Garrison,Why?
Clean Garrison,"Don't you see?  All these years, your pain, your confusion, it comes from one place. Your denial of who you are.  Of who... we are."
Unkempt Garrison,But I'm not gay! Everyone just thinks I am!
Clean Garrison,"Oh, stop it! What about the time you looked at Counselor Mackey's penis in the men's locker room?!"
Unkempt Garrison,I was just comparing size!
Clean Garrison,For seven minutes?!
Unkempt Garrison,Aaa!
Clean Garrison,And what about the time you masturbated to the men's 100-meter swimming relay at the Olympics?!
Unkempt Garrison,I was beating off to the chicks!
Clean Garrison,THERE WERE NO CHICKS!
Unkempt Garrison,"OH, DAMN YOU SPIRIT! HAUNT ME NO LONGER!"
Clean Garrison,ADMIT IT!
Unkempt Garrison,NO!!!
Clean Garrison,YOU HAVE TO STOP LYING TO YOURSELF AND GET A G-
Unkempt Garrison,"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I ADMIT IT! I'M GAY!!!  I'm...gay. I'm gay!  I am gay! You hear that everyone?  I'm gay! I'm gay! I'm gay and it...  and it feels good."
Ms. Choksondik,"Alright, children, I hope you all did your-  Oowhat is going on now?!"
Cartman,"Haha, Teacher, we're traveling back in time to third grade!-God-damnit you guys, you seriously said this time you'd snap into it with me."
Ms. Choksondik,"Oh Good Gravy, not this again."
Cartman,"Yes! We've had a new time machine built: this one out of a simple microwave oven and a duck  Au revoir, teacher! Perhaps we shall see you in the past, hahaa. Gentlemen?"
Ms. Choksondik,"Children, I will have order!!"
Nerd #1,I can't wait for Gene Roddenberry to tell you how WRONG you are! Just like when you said there were no two-parters of Battlestar Galactica!
Nerd #2,There WEREN'T!
Nerd #1,"The episode called ""Gonzo on Ice Planet Zero"" was a two-parter."
Nerd #2,No it WASN'T!
Stan,"Oh, son of a bitch!"
Nerd #1,I'll kill you!
Cartman,"There it is! Come on, everybody!"
Ms. Choksondik,"Children, get back into your seats!"
Cartman,"No way, lady!"
Ms. Choksondik,"Eric, I mean it!"
Cartman,You can suck my balls!
Ms. Choksondik,Present them.
Cartman,...What?
Ms. Choksondik,"You said, ""suck my balls."" Well, go ahead. Whip 'em out, and I'll suck 'em."
Stan,Thah... That's what Mr. Garrison would've said.
Cartman,"Touché, teacher. Touché."
Ms. Choksondik,"Now, children, listen to me. Why do you want to go back in time? Life isn't about going back, it's about going forward. Yes, there are times in our life that we wish we could relive, but, if we already lived them perfectly, why live them again? The adventure of life is that there's always something new. New challenges, new experiences. A fun game is a game that gets harder as it goes. So it is with life. Do you understand?"
Stan,Dude. Sh-she's right.
Kyle,"Yeah. And you know, now that I think about it, third grade wasn't all that great, either."
Stan,"Yeah. Third grade sucked! Cartman, why the hell did you try to make us think third grad was so great?!"
Kyle,"Yeah! You suck, Cartman!"
Cartman,What??
Ms. Choksondik,"Alright, students, that will be quite enough! If you're ready, let's continue on... with the fourth grade."
Timmy,AAAAAAA!
Kyle,"Hey, Timmy's back!"
Stan,"Dude, it looks like he's been all over time! He must have such cool stuff to tell us."
Timmy,"Eh, Timmih."
Chef,"You know I'm always here to help, Principal Victoria."
Mr. Garrison,"Ey, guess what everybody?! I'M GAY!!!"
Principal Victoria,Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Mackey,What?
Mr. Garrison,I'm as gay as a gymnast on shore leave!
Principal Victoria,You admit it? You admit it!
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, that's great, Mr. Garrison. You've finally come to terms with yourself!"
Mr. Garrison,"Yeah, it feels really good!"
Principal Victoria,"Well, congratulations!"
Mr. Mackey,"Yeah, congratulations!"
Mr. Garrison,"You know, I, I feel like I can start anew. If it's alright with you, I'd like to go back to teaching the third grade!"
Principal Victoria,"Oh. I'm sorry, we don't hire gay people."
Stan,"Dude, what's your little brother doing here?"
Kyle,Ike is starting his first day of kindergarten.
Stan,But isn't he only three years old?
Kyle,"Yeah, but he's some kind of genius, so he's getting advanced placement in kindergarten."
Ike,I pooped my pants.
Kyle,"But dude, check out my new Trapper Keeper.  It has five different compartments for each subject in school,  and it's all covered with pictures from Dawson's Creek."
Stan,Cool!
Cartman,"Hey, dudes. Check out my sweet Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper Ultra Keeper Futura 2000.  Yeah, well,  it's got ten different compartments for every subject in school, an electronic pencil sharpener, four plastic bags with electronic zippers, copy machine, fax, a better picture of Dawson's Creek on the back than Kyle's,  flat-screen TV, and of course, OnStar."
Stan,"Wow, cool!"
Kyle,"Goddammit, Cartman! You only got that because you knew my mom would buy it for me!"
Cartman,"Oh, but you have a Trapper Keepe-- Oh, you got the little Crapper Keeper, didn't you? Well, at least your stupid brother got a briefcase."
Kyle,He's going to kindergarten because he's a genius!
Cartman,He's not a genius; he's a little douchebag.
Ike,I pooped my pants!
Kyle,"He's smarter than you, fat boy! I don't even know how you made it into fourth grade! I thought--"
Cartman,"Trapper Keeper, I need to drown out my annoying friend. Please initiate music, country, high volume."
Kyle,"Nobody gives a crap about your Trapper Keeper, Cartman!"
Stan,"Ms. Crabtree, there's another creepy homeless guy on the bus."
Ms. Crabtree,Sit down and shut up!!
Stan,But they smell like pee.
Man,I am not a homeless person. I am a new fourth-grade student.
Kyle,You are?
Man,Yes! My name is Bill. Bill Cosby.
Stan,Aren't you a little old to be in grade school?
Bill,"I was held back ten human grades.  I mean, grades. Do you companion-friends know Eric Cartman?"
Cartman,"Yeah, that's me."
Bill,Eric Cartman?  And you have a Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper Futura S 2000?
Cartman,"Yeahhh, you already know about it?"
Bill,"Yes. Yes, I do."
Cartman,"Well...  ""Nobody gives a crap about your Trapper Keeper, Cartman!"""
Kyle,I'm gonna shove that thing up your ass!
Stan,"Dude, do you really care if Cartman has something that's better than yours?"
Kyle,"No, I don't! I don't care!"
Cartman,"Here, Kyle."
Boy #1,"Hey, there he is. That's the kid that's s'posed to be some kind of genius."
Boy #2,"Yeah, he's only three and he's already in kindergarten."
Boy #1*,"Come on.  So, you think you're smarter than the rest of us? Do you think you know more about the world just because you are only 3 and we're 5?"
Ike,Unkoo baba.
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, let's take our seats.  My name is Mr. Garrison, and I'm the new kindergarten teacher. I used to be the third grade teacher, but I had a little  ""nervous breakdown"" and went into the mountains where I lived off of ""rat carcasses"".  But I'm all better now, and the school was nice enough to let me go on teaching, as long as it was for kindergarten.  But it's not a demotion. No. I mean, just because a teacher was teaching third grade and now is teaching kindergarten, that's not a demotion, is it?  No, that's right, it's not. Well, let's start with roll call. Uh, let's see. Filmore Anderson?"
Filmore*,Here.
Mr. Garrison,Sally Bands?
Sally,Here.
Mr. Garrison,Ike Broflovski?
Ike,Cookie Monster.
Mr. Garrison,"Broflovski, I had your older brother Kyle in my third-grade class. He's a very smart kid. I'm sure you are, too.  Well that's bad news for everybody else, because I will be grading you all on a curve."
Cartman,And so the other thing that makes my Trapper Keeper cooler than Kyle's is that it can add any peripheral device to itself automatically.  I can take something as simple as this calculator  and... Trapper Keeper?
Trapper Keeper,Trapper Keeper active.
Cartman,Hybrid with Wellington Bear calculator.
Trapper Keeper,Ready for hybrid.
Cartman,"And now it can use Wellington Bear calculator, too."
Kids,Wow.
Bill,May I hold your Trapper Keeper?
Cartman,"Uh, n-no, I'm afraid not, Bill Cosby, because it is coded to the prints on my fingers.  If anybody but me tries to hold it, big metal spikes come out and pierce through their hands."
Kyle,"Oh, you are so full of crap, Cartman! Metal spikes will not come out!"
Cartman,"Oh really?  Then, why don't you hold it?  Well, go on, Kyle. If it doesn't have metal spikes, then hold it.  Hold it."
Kyle,I'm gonna!
Cartman,Hold it.
Kyle,I will!
Mr. Garrison,"And that's how the relationship with my father sort of ended. There's still some sort of skeletons in the closet, but things between us are a little better.  Okay, children, well now it's time for us to elect a class president,  so first we must pick nominees.  Who would like to nominate someone?"
Boy #2,"I nominate Filmore, because he's the smartest kid in the class."
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, Filmore.  You'll be our first nominee. And who else?  Yes, Jenny."
Jenny,I gotta go doodie.
Mr. Garrison,"In a minute, Jenny. Who else wants to nominate a class president?  Oh, come on! You can't have an election with just one person running! What's the fun in that? Ike? How about you? You're a genius."
Ike,No.
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, our second nominee is Ike the genius.  Okay, children, now we'll hear briefly from each nominee. Filmore, why don't you go first?"
Filmore,"If I'm elected class president, I'll call for big ol' chairs. And on Fridays, I'll add two minutes to nap time. Thank you."
Mr. Garrison,"Very enthralling. Okay, Ike? How about you?"
Ike,Cookie Monster. Ice.
Mr. Garrison,"...Well, this is gonna be a tough one, kids."
Stan,"Oh, no, dude, here comes that weird new kid."
Bill,"Ahhh, hello Eric. Can I be your human friend?  I mean, friend?"
Cartman,"I don't know, dude. I'm not supposed to have any male friends that are over 30. I kind of screwed on that once."
Bill,"Please. We can have fun and play games, like human four square--  I mean, four square."
Cartman,"Dude, you can't just ask to be somebody's friend and be their friend; it doesn't work that way. If you want to be my friend, you'll have to pay me."
Bill,"Oh, I see. Alright, I'll pay 100 geliga stones-- Uh, I mean, human dollars! Eugh, I mean dollars!"
Cartman,"Okay, that's cool."
Bill,Can we play some human tetherball?
Cartman,"A-alright. Pretty sweet, you guys, getting a hundred bucks to play tetherball with some--"
Bill,Serve!
Cartman,Ugh..!
Bill,Got it!
Cartman,Ey!
Stan,Dude! He's running off with your Trapper Keeper!
Bill,Waa-agggh!
Cartman,"You son of a bitch!  Wait a minute.  Lucky for me, I have my Trapper Keeper homing device."
Stan,What the hell just happened?
Kyle,Damn! I thought fourth grade was gonna be different.
Mr. Garrison,"So that's six votes for Filmore and six votes for Ike.  And the last vote is for... Uh, let's see. Flora, I can't tell who you voted for.  You've got the winning vote, Flora. Who d'you pick?"
Flora,I don't know...
Mr. Garrison,"Flora, you have to pick one. Filmore or Ike?"
Flora,"Um, I vote for... I don't know."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, great! Flora's undecided! Well, you're just gonna have to sit there, Flora, and think about it until you come up with an answer."
Flora,Okay.
Boy #2,"Flora, just say you vote for Filmore so we can all go home."
Flora,Um...
Sally,No! You want Ike to be president.
Filmore,We're gonna be here all night! Why don't you guys just concede?
Two kids,Yeah!
Sally,Why don't you just concede?
Other kids,Yeah!
Some Kids,Filmore!
Other Kids,Ike!
Girl,I want Ike to be president!
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, for Christ's sakes, you're all acting like a bunch o' kids!"
Cartman,Turn left here! We're getting close! Get your gun ready!
Barbrady,"Eric, I'm not gonna shoot anybody for taking your school folder."
Cartman,"It was not a school folder, it was a Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper Futura S 2000! And if--  There he is!"
Bill,Wagh!
Cartman,Got ya!
Barbrady,Hey!
Bill,Gaagghhh!
Kyle,"Whoa, dude..!"
Cartman,"Ahh, try to take my Trapper Keeper, will you?"
Bill,Please. You do not understand.
Cartman,"Book him, Barbrady. Another job well done."
Bill,That Trapper Keeper has to be destroyed!
Stan,"Why are you so obsessed with Cartman's Trapper Keeper, Bill Cosby?"
Barbrady,Bill Cosby?
Bill,Nooo! Listen to me! I am not really Bill Cosby.  My name is BSM-471. I am a cyborg engineered by humans from the year 2034.
Barbrady,"Well, I knew you weren't Bill Cosby!"
BSM-471,"I have come to destroy that Trapper Keeper, because it was the Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper that belongs to an Eric Cartman in South Park which three years from now manifests itself into an omnipotent super being, and destroys all of humanity. In the year 2004, a hybrid-assimilating computer linked with a satellite uplink computer. From there it was able to slowly take over every computer in the world.  It became stronger and stronger, until by the year 2018 it broke away from mankind  and there was nothing the humans could do.  It wasn't long before Mighty Trapper Keeper started to destroy everything it saw as useless, including humans.  The nations tried everything to stop it.  Nuclear devices, seismic missiles. But nothing worked.  The humans built robots of their own, whole armies of them.  But nothing was strong enough to stop Trapper Keeper.  And so finally, the humans decided to send one of their robots into the past to destroy the Trapper Keeper before it even got started."
Stan,"Wow, that's amazing."
Kyle,"Man, I guess sometimes we let our technology and stuff grow too fast."
Stan,"What do you think, Officer Barbrady?"
Barbrady,"Huh? Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't listening."
BSM-471,"And so, Eric. Now you see why we must destroy your Trapper Keeper."
Cartman,You guys. Did I mention that it has a pencil sharpener and a crayon sharpener?
Stan,"Cartman, it takes over the world and destroy all of humanity!"
Cartman,"What would you guys have me do, huh?! Walk around with just a plain old Trapper Keeper like Kyle's?! Is that what you want?!"
Stan,Yes!
Cartman,"Aw, damnit!  Here! Take it! You want my heart as well?! You'll find it on the bottom of your shoes!"
Flora,I decided.
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, thank God, Flora!  Alright, who do you vote for?"
Flora,Umm... Ike.
Supporters,Yay!
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, so then the total is six for Filmore and now seven votes for Ike. Ike is the new class president."
Filmore,We want a recount.
Mr. Garrison,What?
Filmore's Supporters,Recount! Recount! Recount! Recount!
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, of all the juvenile things I've ever heard! You lost, Filmore! Don't be such a baby!  Alright, alright, I'll count up the ballots again. Okay, we had one vote for Filmore...  ...And this time, I again get six votes for Filmore and seven votes for Ike."
Filmore,Count them again.
Supporters,Yeah!
Mr. Garrison,"No, children! I've recounted 106 times now and I keep coming up with seven to six! Except in the one instance where it came out seven to five, and one where it came out twelve to fourteen. It's over! Ike is class president!"
Kid #2,"Wait, there's still that absent kid."
Fillmore,"Yeah. If Carlos is absent, we have to wait for his vote."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, will you grow up?!"
Supporters,Absent kids count! Absent kids count! Absent kids count!
Mr. Garrison,"Jesus..! Alright, we'll wait for tomorrow so the absent kid can cast his vote. Now go home!"
BSM-471,"Good morning, humans."
Stan/Kyle,"Hey, Bill Cosby."
BSM-471,"I have successfully destroyed Eric Cartman's Trapper Keeper. I broke it apart, dipped the motherboards in acid, burned the memory chips, and sent the wiring to the four corners of Canada."
Kyle,That should do it.
Stan,"So what are you going to do with your crappy robot life now, Bill Cosby?"
BSM-471,"Well, that is a problem that is causing me some disconcernment. I am still here, but I shouldn't be here. If Trapper Keeper has been stopped, then I should not exist. But here I am. Something is still not right."
Cartman,"Hey, dudes."
Stan,Cartman! You still got a Trapper Keeper!
Cartman,"Yeah, I'm a genius! Last night I went home and told my mom that I lost the last one. Then I cried and I cried, and finally she felt so bad that she took me to the store and bought me a new one!  So everything worked out."
BSM-471,Oh no!
Kyle,"Cartman, you dumbass! You can't get a new one!"
Cartman,Why the hell not?!
Stan,"Because if your Trapper Keeper takes over the world, then maybe it was this Trapper Keeper and not the one before!"
Cartman,Wait... so then you guys burned my last one for no reason!
BSM-471,We will have to destroy this Trapper Keeper.
Cartman,But I don't think I can get my mom to buy me another one.
Kyle,"Don't you get it?! You can't have any Trapper Keepers, fat ass!"
Cartman,"Oh, that is bullcrap! And you know what I think? I think this whole thing is a setup! That's right! Kyle got this guy to say that he's a robot from the future just because he's jealous of my Trapper Keeper! And you know what else? Screw you guys. I'm going home."
Stan,Cartman!
Cartman,Ech! Screw you guys. Home.
BSM-471,"Well, that does it!"
Kyle,Hey! What are you doing?
BSM-471,"I'm afraid I have no other choice.  For the sake of humanity, I have to kill him."
Kyle,Oh... Okay.
Stan,"Yeah, that's fine.  No, wait!"
BSM-471,What?
Stan,Can I do it?
BSM-471,"Oh, well, I suppose."
Stan,"Sweet! Kiss your ass goodbye, fat boy!"
BSM-471,"Wait!  Perhaps there is another way. If you could take me to where Eric Cartman lives, I could try reasoning with his human mother."
Stan,"Well, yeah, or we could just kill him."
Kyle,"Yeah, that'd be faster."
Stan,He's right there.
BSM-471,"I'm afraid I can't. I think I'm actually starting to feel what you humons call ""compassion"". It is an amazing feeling!"
Stan/Kyle/ Kenny,Awww..!
Mr. Garrison,"Alright children, as you know, we've been waiting for the absent kid's ballot to come in. Well, his mother was nice enough to bring him in from the hospital so that he could cast his vote. Ms. Harris?  Thank you very much, Billy. Don't forget to pick up your lung.  Alright, the absent kid's ballot is for...  Filmore."
Supporters,Yay./Hooray.
Sally,Wait one minute!
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, Jesus tap-dancing Christ."
Sally,I think the ballot were misleading. Some kids didn't understand whom they were voting for.
Mr. Garrison,There's a box next to Filmore's name and a box next to Ike's! What's not to understand?
Filmore,"You're just saying that, 'cause you know you're gonna lose now."
Sally,"No, I'm saying that because you are a boogerface!"
Filmore,"Well, just you wait, 'cause my famous aunt is on huh way right now."
Mr. Garrison,Who's your famous aunt?
Filmore,"My aunt Rosie, Rosie O'Donnell."
Mr. Garrison,Your aunt Rosie O'Donnell is coming here?
Filmore,"Yeah, she's very active in politics. So she's gonna set all this straight."
Mr. Garrison,Oh no..!
Trapper Keeper,Recharging.
Cartman,"Sweet. You're so cool, Trapper Keeper. I would never let those assholes take you away. I don't wanna wait for my Trapper Keeper to be overThe ways of my Trap--"
Cartman,"Oh, cool."
Cartman,Whoa...
BSM-471,"And so you see, Ms. Cartman, you cannot buy your son Eric another Trapper Keeper. Not now! Not ever!"
Liane,"Right, because it will hybrid with all those other processors and generate a whole new era of technological darkness."
BSM-471,Correct.
Liane,"Well, I certainly won't buy him anymore, then... Bill."
BSM-471,Good. Now all that is left to do is destroy the Trapper Keeper Eric has now. Where is he?
Liane,"In his room. But, why don't I show you the rest of the house first?"
Stan,Uh-oh.
Kyle,Here we go again.
Liane,"Come this way, Billy."
Stan,"Well, come on. Let's go upstairs and get Cartman's Trapper Keeper ourselves."
Cartman,"Kyle is just jealous of you, Trapper Keeper. You kick ass!I don't wanna let my Trapper Keeper get--"
Stan,"Open up, Cartman! We're taking your Trapper Keeper!"
Cartman,"Screw you guys, screw you guysScrew you guys, scr--"
Trapper Keeper,"Trapper Keeper, ready to ensorb."
Cartman,Huh?
Kyle,"Dammit, Cartman, open up!"
Trapper Keeper,"Trapper Keeper, ready for hybrid."
Cartman,"Oh, sweet. What's it gonna hybrid with now?  Ugh--!"
Stan,"Cartman, you might as well open up! We're just gonna have Bill Cosby bust the door down after he finishes having sex with your mom."
Kyle,Cartman?  He's not gonna open it. Break it down.
Stan,You break it down!
Kyle,"Okay. Ready? One, two, three, not it!"
Stan,"Not it! You lose, Kenny."
Kenny,(Awww..!)  (Argh--!)
Stan,"Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!"
Kyle,You ba--!
Stan/Kyle,Agggghhh!
Liane,"Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!"
Mr. Garrison,"What the hell is that?  Oh my God! What is that thing? Children, there's some huge bulbous monstrosity heading for the classroom!  Oh my God, it's awful! It's coming for the door."
Rosie O'Donnell,"Hello, kids!"
Filmore,Aunt Rosie!
Mr. Garrison,"Run for your lives, children!  I'll try to fight it off!"
Filmore,"That's my aunt, Rosie O'Donnell."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh. Oh, um... Pleasure to meet you, Miss Donnell. You're looking... well."
Rosie O'Donnell,"Don't worry, kids. Everything's gonna be fine. What's the problem?"
Filmore,Aunt Rosie. We think I won class president.
Ike Supporter,"No, Ike won."
Mr. Garrison,"Look, it's very simple. We took a vote and the vote tied, so now we gotta come up with a way--"
Rosie O'Donnell,"Well it obviously isn't that simple, is it? I mean, you'd think a little kindergarten teacher could've handled this, but now we're gonna do it my way!"
Trapper Keeper,We are Trapper Keeper.
BSM-471,Oh no! It is heading for Cheyenne Mountain!
Kyle,Why is that bad?
BSM-471,It was when the Trapper Keeper assimilated with the supercomputer at Cheyenne Mountain that it was able to fuse into all defensive computers!
Stan,Then we have to stop it before it gets there!
Kyle,"Step on it, Bill Cosby!"
Guard 2,"Hey, Mark, look."
Mark,Wow. That is about the nicest Trapper Keeper I've ever seen.
Stan,"Cartman, you have to stop!"
Trapper Keeper,We are Trapper Keeper. We are one.
BSM-471,A part of your friend must still be alive in there.
Stan,He is in there.
BSM-471,"That must be what Trapper Keeper is using for ventilation. If one of you could get in there, you could reach the CPU."
Stan,"One-two-three, not it!"
Kyle,"Not-- Aw, damnit..!"
Cartman,"What are you doing, Kyle?"
Kyle,"I'm going to try and break you away from the computer, Cartman. I need to remove the CPU."
Cartman,"I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Kyle."
Kyle,"Screw you, fat ass!"
Cartman,"Hey, screw you."
Kyle,Cartman!
Cartman,Agh--!
Kyle,No!
Rosie O'Donnell,"Okay, so then what we're going to do is count everybody's vote by hand, and after that, we're gonna go over the votes again manually, and then--"
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, stop it, stop it! Stop i-i-it!   Look kids, we're all in this kindergarten class together. We have to respect one another or else we're in for a terrible school year."
Rosie O'Donnell,We're just making sure that the kids that voted for my nephew don't get cheated.
Mr. Garrison,"Half the kids in the class didn't vote for your nephew, so what about them? You don't give a crap about them because they're not on your side! People like you preach tolerance and open-mindedness all the time, but when it comes to Middle America, you think we're all evil and stupid country yokels who need your political enlightenment! Well, just because you're on TV doesn't mean you know crap about the government! Now get your ass back on first class and respect this class's right to make up their own minds!  ...Oh, sorry I got a little off the subject, kids."
Rosie O'Donnell,"How dare you?! I will not be preached at by a country pumpkin!  I'm leaving this podunk town, but in my place I'm gonna send more lawyers, statesmen and press than you have ever seen!"
Mr. Garrison,"Oh no, children, I think I've just made this a whole lot worse."
Ladies,Aaghh!
Cops,Wagghh!
Mark,Well that does it. I'm gonna have to report this.  Car one to base--  Aghh!
BSM-471,It is infusing with everything. It is already too powerful to stop!
Stan,Kyle's got to succeed. He's just got to.
Kyle,I can't reach the CPU.
Rosie,What are you doin'?! Get out of my way!
Guard 2,"Oh, no! Now there's two of those things!"
Stan,"No, I think that other thing is Rosie O'Donnell."
Guard 2,Huh? Which one? I-It's just like I'm seeing double.
Rosie,"I said, get out of my way!  Aaaaggghhhh!!!  Ogh. Noo--"
Trapper Keeper,Eeww.
BSM-471,Look! I think that infusing with Rosie O'Donnell has made Trapper Keeper sick.
Trapper Keeper,Oohh... Bad pie... Bad pie...
Stan,"This is your chance, Kyle! Cartman has weakened!"
Kyle,Got 'em!
Stan,He did it!
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, the lawyers for Ike's side have agreed with the lawyers on Filmore's side to hold another meeting regarding Form 22F. Do we all have that form?"
Jesse Jackson,Is this the kindergarten classroom?
Mr. Garrison,Jesse Jackson?
Jesse Jackson,That's right! I believe the African-American in your class were misrepresented!
Mr. Garrison,We don't have any African-Americans in our class!
Jesse Jackson,Oh. Bye.
Mr. Garrison,"Alright, so apparently what we're gonna do now is hand-count each person's ballot--"
Filmore,"Mistoreh Garrison, I concede."
Mr. Garrison,"You... yuh, you what?"
Filmore,"I don't wanna play anymore, 'cause this game is stupid."
Sally,Yeah. It doesn't make any sense.
Filmore,"Ike, you could be class president."
Ike,I pooped my pants!
Sally,Can we fingerpaint now?
Kids,Fingerpaint! Fingerpaint!
Mr. Garrison,Ohuh... Yes.  Yes! Let's fingerpaint!
Stan,"You did it, Kyle!  Kyle saved your life, fat ass!"
BSM-471,Look! I'm fading!  It must have worked. I don't exist!
Stan,"Huh, that's a bitch."
Cartman,"Oh. Well, I guess everything's fine now. So let's go home."
Stan,"Hey! Whoa whoa whoa, Cartman! All you've been doing is making fun of Kyle and now he's saved your life! You at least owe him a thank you!"
Cartman,"Awww, man..."
Stan,Cartman!
Cartman,"Alright, alright.  Kyle..."
Wendy,"Doctor, doctor! Will our daughter be okay?"
Kyle,"I am sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Keller, but I'm afraid your daughter Helen still cannot see, hear, or speak."
Wendy,Oh no! NO!
Stan,"'Ere 'ere, my good wife, 'ere is nothing we can do."
Wendy,My poor little Helen.
Timmy,Timmiihhh!
Wendy,"She can't see or hear us, John."
Timmy,"Heh-aaaah, Timmih!"
Stan,E-yes. Perhaps she should go to an asyluh.
Cartman,"Stan, what the hell is wrong with you? I can't understand your lines!"
Stan,'Cause the 'eard 'urts my 'ace.
Kyle,Can we take a lunch break now?
Cartman,"No! If we want our play to be better than the kindergartners' play, we have to rehearse as much as possible! Now let's continue the scene!"
Bebe,"Hello. My name is Anne Sullivan, and I believe I can teach this child to communicate."
Stan,Uh-eally? Uh you think so?
Bebe,"Water, Helen! Waaa-terr!"
Timmy,"Agh oh-ight, Timmih!"
Cartman,"God-damnit, Timmy! Helen Keller isn't supposed to talk!"
Butters,Hey you guys! We got a big problem!
Kyle,"What is it, Butters?"
Butters,"The kindergartners! I just came from their dress rehearsal. Hoh, it's good, you guys. It's real good!"
Cartman,How good?
Butters,"They got Pilgrim outfits! And Indian ones, too! They've got singing and dancing and boy you've never seen such a show! Why, it's a Thanksgiving extravaganza!"
Clyde,"Oh, no!"
Kyle,We can't be outdone by the kindergartners!
Clyde,"Oh, now what?"
Stan,"Oh yeah, we can't!"
Cartman,"Alright, alright! Quiet down! Look, we still got four days until the Thanksgiving festival; that's plenty of time to revamp our play!"
Kyle,Revamp how? The rules are that the fourth grade class has to perform the Helen Keller Story.
Cartman,"Yeah, but nobody told us how we had to do it. We can have Thanksgiving stuff and music numbers, too."
Clyde,"Well, we can add music numbers, but how do we make the Helen Keller story more Thanksgivingy?"
Wendy,"I know! How about, instead of a dog, Helen Keller has a pet turkey."
Token,"Yeah, a turkey that could do tricks."
Kids,Yeah
Cartman,"That's the spirit, gang! Alright. Stan and Wendy, you go out and find some musical instruments! Kenny and Clyde, take some kids and buy some Thanksgiving decorations for the set! Kyle and Timmy, you go out and find a turkey!"
Kyle,Okay!
Cartman,This is gonna be the best version of the Miracle Worker ever!
Kids,Yay!
Rancher,What kind of turkey are you lookin' for?
Kyle,"A smart one, that can do tricks."
Rancher,"Well, I ain't got a whole lot left, it bein' almost Thanksgiving and all.  Go ahead, just pick one out."
Timmy,Timmaay!
Rancher,"Oh, that one's a little messed up. Not exactly the... pick of the litter."
Timmy,Haaaaa!
Kyle,"Uh, Timmy, if we back to the other kids with that turkey they're gonna be pissed!"
Timmy,TIMMAY!
Rancher,Yeah. Best you not take that one. I was just about to take it out in the yard and putt a bullet in its head.
Kyle,"What?! Aw, dude, don't say that!"
Timmy,T-TIIMMAY TIMMAY!
Kyle,"Alright, we'll take him. How much?"
Rancher,Fifty bucks.
Kyle,But you were just gonna take it out in the backyard and put a bullet in its head!
Rancher,I know! Now I gotta find somethin' else to shoot.
Kyle,"...God-damnit, here!  Alright, Timmy, let's go!"
Rancher,"I've got a one-legged pig if you'd like, too."
Kyle,"Aw, blow it out your ass!"
Cartman,"Guys, I want you all to meet Jeffrey Maynard. He's South Park's biggest expert on musical theater, AND, he played the lead in Les Misérables at the Denver Community Playhouse for five weeks."
Kids,Bravo.
Wendy,Do you think we could make up a good Thanksgiving play in four days?
Jeffrey Maynard,I would swear it on my life. Your play shall want for nothing.
Kids,Hooray!
Jeffrey Maynard,"Now, the first thing a good musical needs is a big opening number. Something that sets up the entire show."
Cartman,"Alright! Places, everybody! Bring in the turkey!  What the hell is that?"
Kyle,It's a turkey.  His name is Gobbles.
Timmy,GOBBLES!
Cartman,And where... pray... is our beautiful trick performing turkey?
Kyle,"Um, we... sssort of spend all the money on this... one..."
Timmy,GOBBLES!
Cartman,"Kyle, can I talk to you over here for a second?  Kyle? Why do you do these things to me?"
Kyle,I didn't do anything to you. Timmy saw the turkey and wanted to get it. What do you want me to say to him?
Cartman,"You say, ""No, Timmy, you can't have that turkey! Bad Timmy!"""
Kyle,"Look, I know it isn't exactly what we wanted, but maybe we can train it."
Token,"Yeah, that turkey sucks."
Jeffrey Maynard,"Wait! What's that, you say? A thanksgiving turkey is what you require? I know of a turkey."
Stan,You do?
Jeffrey Maynard,During my years on Broadway I... worked with a turkey who could do all kinds of tricks. She even jumped through a hoop of fire.
Cartman,Cool! Can you get it for us?
Jeffrey Maynard,I will go promptly and call her trainer. On the morrow you shall have your trick performing turkey.
Kids,Alright!
Timmy,"Gobbles!  Gobbles!  Up, heh. Uh!  Heeey, Gobbles!  Gobbles.  Gobbles!"
Cartman,No no!
Liane,"Boopsie-kins, It's late. You need to be in bed."
Cartman,"I can't sleep, Mom! I have to write the lyrics for the opening song of our Helen Keller Thanksgiving spectacular!"
Liane,"Now, hon!"
Cartman,"But  Mo-o-om, I have to write these lyrics so the plight of Helen Keller can be realized by the common man."
Liane,"Twenty more minutes, and that's it."
Cartman,"Twenty minutes! Does Tim Rice's mom give him twenty minutes to write the lyrics to ""Phantom Of The Opera""?!  Speak to me Helen. Let me be your voice.  Come on, you blind bitch! Channel your spirit through me!"
Clyde,Tonight we present the story of a courageous girl and her fight against depression
Cartman,OP-pression!
Clyde,"Oppression. Our play begins in a simpler time.  Alabama, in the late 1800s"
Actors,"\1800's, Alabama! What a great place and time!We're so happy that we live in 1800's Alabama 'cause it's sunny and there is no crime!"
Jeffrey,Now to the refrain!
Actors,"And in this little town in 1800's Alabama there's a family by the name of Keller!Their daughter's deaf and mute and blind as a bat, and her parents can't even tell her!!"
Lamond,"Excuse me, I am Lamond, the animal trainer."
Clyde,Oh.  Cool! He's here!
Cartman,Awesome! Do you have a turkey that can do tricks?
Lamond,"Ap ap! Do not call them tricks! She's a very sensitive turkey! She performs feats, not tricks. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the most beautiful bird in America!  Four-time prize winner of the National Western Stock Show and reigning poster child of turkeylovers.com! I give you Alinicia!"
Cartman,Yeh.
Others,Wow.
Cartman,Whoa.
Bebe,Her feathers are beautiful.
Clyde,That's the prettiest turkey I ever saw.
Lamond,Of course she is!
Cartman,"Okay! Now we can really get this thing underway! Places, everybody!  Where the hell is Timmy?"
Timmy,TIM-MIH!
Lamond,What... is... that?!
Cartman,"Uh, that's Gobbles, the physically challenged turkey."
Timmy,Gobbles!  Gobbles?!
Kyle,"Timmy, we already got a turkey."
Clyde,"Yeah, and it's from Broadway."
Timmy,Gobbles.
Cartman,"No, Timmy! That handicapped turkey does not go in our play!"
Kyle,"Dude, don't forget: Timmy is the only kid who can play Helen Keller. Don't piss him off."
Cartman,"No, that's right. Only Timmy knows the part."
Timmy,Tim-mih.
Cartman,"Oh, Jesus! Okay, fine! Helen Keller can have TWO pet turkeys!"
Lamond,My turkey does not work with other turkeys!
Cartman,"Oh, God-damnit, now what are we gonna do?!"
Lamond,"Alright, ah ah alright! Alri- ah a-alright. Alright."
Cartman,"Dude, we need your turkey for our play!"
Lamond,She's not coming out. She's very upset! She's pooped all over the room!
Cartman,"I know, I know, but listen: Uh, let me try to explain the position I'm in here. The retarded turkey belongs to our friend, Timmy. And Timmy's the only person who knows the part of Helen Keller. So, so tell me what I can do here to make everybody happy?"
Lamond,Kill the other turkey!
Cartman,I can't dude. Timmy has a boner for it.
Lamond,"Well, it could meet with ""an unfortunate accident."""
Cartman,"Unfortunate accident? You mean, like Geena Davis getting her own TV show?  Oh."
Lamond,"It's very simple! Either that turkey meets with an unfortunate accident, or you don't have a feat-performing turkey for your Helen Keller Thanksgiving musical!"
Cartman,"Alright, alright! Just get your turkey to stop crapping all over the dressing room and come out for rehearsal! I'll take care of everything."
Bebe,"Water, Helen. It has a name. Oh, why can't you understand?"
Timmy,Dehh haaa.
Bebe,"Water, Helen, Water."
Kids,She's never gonna do it. There's no way she'll ever do it.
Bebe,"Helen, Helen. Water, Helen."
Kids,How can she talk if she can't hear? This is absolutely pointless!
Cartman,"Okay, uh, hold it. Uh, let's hold it right there a second.  Okay, I just want to adjust the blocking real quick. Hm-let's see. Uh, why don't we have Turkey #2  stand just a little bit more over...  here.  Let's see, maybe a little more up in here.  And just a wee bit over here.  And right about...  hm'ere.  There we go. Good."
Stan,"Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!"
Jeffrey,Whoa-aaaa
Cartman,"Aw, crap! I must've rigged the wrong light!"
Jeffrey,Let him rest in peace. Let him rest. Why must he die?
Butters,They've got special effects!
Kyle,What Butters?
Butters,"The kindergartners! They've got amazing stage effects. Pyrotechnics and what have yous. Why, it's a regular feast for the eyes!"
Wendy,"Oh, no!"
Clyde,We're never gonna outdo them now!
Token,But what are we gonna do?
Cartman,"Calm down! Calm down! We can have special effects, too. Now, I know a lot is going wrong, but we've got to stick together to make this play work!  All of us!"
Jeffrey,—and into your hands  uh he... buh...
Timmy,"Gobbles!  Hu-ugh, Gobbles!"
Lamond,Little boy.
Timmy,Timmy.
Lamond,"Yes, Tim. I feel I must speak with you.  The others, well, they don't want you to know, but, oh, I don't know what to do. Should I tell you?"
Timmy,T-Timmih?
Lamond,I feel I'm the only one who can be honest with you.  The animal shelter is on its way to...take your turkey away from you.
Timmy,Gobbles?
Lamond,"You see, they don't allow children in your... situation... to have wild animals as pets. You can't take him running, you can't take care of him. They... have to take it away."
Timmy,Gobbles!
Lamond,"They take wild pets away from people like you... and hand them over for experiments. And they're shocked, dissected, and flayed while they're still alive. And no matter where you go, the shelter people will find you. The only way for that turkey to avoid years of torture is for you to... let him go. Back into the wild.  Oh no! Here they come now!  Quick, go! And set your turkey free! I'll try to stall them."
Timmy,T-tim-mih.
Installer,"Eh, excuse me, we're here to install the water effects for the musical?"
Lamond,"Uh, the stage is right through there."
Installer,Thanks.
Cartman,"Alright, got to write the new lyrics. Lemme see.  no  No.  NO!  God-damnit"
Jeffrey,"How is it going, Eric?"
Cartman,Terrible!  I can't write the lyrics for the third act! Nothing's coming to me.
Jeffrey,"Well, you know in theater sometimes, we try different tricks to get the creative juices flowing."
Cartman,Like what?
Jeffrey,Let's see.  Helen Keller was blind and deaf.  Perhaps you should see what it is like. Deprive yourself of your senses and see what plays inside your mind. Here.
Cartman,"Hey, that's not a bad idea."
Jeffrey,Just relax. Just try to let your mind wander and let the juices flow...
Cartman,"Oh, man!"
Jeffrey,"Well, did you see anything?"
Cartman,"No, just the same old crap I always see when I close my eyes."
Jeffrey,"...Oh, that's too bad."
Cartman,Wait. I've got it! The perfect setup for when Helen Keller's pet turkey jumps through the hoop of fire!  Yes! Yes! I have it now!
Lamond,The only way for that turkey to avoid years of torture is for you to... let him go...  let him go... let him go...
Timmy,"Gobbles!  Gobbles!!  Gobbles. Gobbles!  Timmih.  Timmih, Gobbles."
Boy,"Daddy, why did Mommy leave and go to heaven?"
Father,"She didn't want to, Kevin. She... had no choice."
Boy,But I miss her.
Elderly man,"I could have so much more with my life, son. I've wasted it. I've wasted it, not ever telling you and Mark that I love you."
Girl,"Robby! Robby, no!"
Woman,"...Because now, every time I look at you , I see her!  I have to move on."
Man,"Kelly, please. Don't do this. I'm sorry."
Kelly,Then why did you do it??
Man,I don't know!
Lady,Have you done the right things in your life?
Sharon,"Hi, Sheila."
Sheila,"Hello, Sharon. Where's your husband?"
Sharon,"Oh, he's in the back. He set up a video camera so he can tape the performance."
Sheila,"Oh, so did Gerald."
Gerald,"Oh yeah, I got a great angle here."
Randy,"Ey, Gerald, maybe after the show we can make copies of each other's tape so we have both."
Gerald,Good idea.
Kyle,So wait. Do we do that spin-around thing on the last beat?
Stan,"No, it's on the 'en or the 'ay."
Kyle,"You ready for the big show, Timmy?"
Stan,"Where's Gobbles, Timmy?"
Timmy,Gobbles.
Cartman,"Alright everybody, let's take our places!"
Kyle,"Cartman, where's Timmy's turkey?"
Cartman,"I don't know.  I don't know, you guys! Alright, maybe I tried to have Timmy's turkey crushed by a stage light, but I didn't do anything else. I'm not an asshole."
Lamond,"You're going to be brilliant, you sexy, gorgeous turkey. With that other meddling animal out of the way, you'll steal the show!"
Driver,"Well, well, what are doing out here?  You shouldn't be out walking the streets."
Mr. Garrison,"Hello, parents, and welcome to the 13th annual South Park Thanksgiving Pageant."
Mr. Mackey,"Every year the fourth graders do ""The Miracle Worker,"" and every year I have to sit and watch it."
Principal Victoria,"Yeah, I swore that if I had to see it one more time, I'd put a bullet in my head.  But luckily I got really stoned before I came."
Mr. Garrison,"And now, here it is. The touching story of Helen Keller, ""The Miracle Worker."""
Kids,"Helen Keller, Helen Keller, blind as a bat.She can't hear us speak. What's up with that?"
Sheila,"This is ""The Miracle Worker""?"
Sharon,I... well... maybe.
Principal Victoria,"Oh, oh, haha. Wow."
Wrangler,Come on. Yaah! Move it!
Jimbo,"Holy crow. Look, boys! A real live wild turkey!  It's tryin' to outsmart us! Come on, fellas!"
Wendy,"John, come quick! Our little baby's very sickWhen I pout she doesn't flinch, and when she doesn't move an inch."
Stan,"No, that cannot be. Honey you are scaring me."
Wendy,"She can't see hear, John. Watch. Helen!"
Stan,Helen!
Wendy,...Helen! I think our baby's deaf and blind. Oh no!
Stan,Oh no!
Wendy,Oh no! Oh no!!!
Lamond,She's brilliant! Everyone loves her so far.
Cartman,"Hey, the fountains you guys installed are shorting out some of our lights."
Installer,"Look, we're only here to do the water effects. We're not in charge of electrical. That's a different union."
Timmy,Timmih?
Cartman,Union Mafia bastards!
Lamond,"Oh, heh. Look, Tim, all is well in love and theatre, right? Haha."
Timmy,Gobbles!!
Cartman,Were is Timmy?! He's on in one minute!
Kyle,"He's gone, dude! Butters says he saw him leave."
Cartman,Leave?? Leave?? But nobody else knows the part of Helen Keller!
Jeffrey,"I do. I know the part. If I must, I can go on."
Cartman,"...Alright, fine! Get in costume!"
Timmy,Gobbles! Gobbles!
Jimbo,"There it is!  Hey, hey! I saw it first! I get the first shot!  Here, turkey turkey."
Wendy,There is nothing we can do for our poor daughter. We cannot reach her.
Jeffrey,I cannot hear what they are saying. I cannot tell them how I feel.
Cartman,What the hell is he doing? Helen Keller isn't supposed to sing!
Jeffrey,If only I could say things that go on in my mind.
Principal Victoria,"Oh, wow."
Jimbo,That's it. Thaaat's it!
Timmy,Gobbles!
Jimbo,Gotcha!
Timmy,Gobbles!  T-timmih?  Gobbles?  Gobbles! Haaaah.
Jimbo,"Aw, thank God you're alright, kid.  It was an accident, I swear. Uh, is there any way we can make it up to you?"
Timmy,Timmih.
Bebe,"Yes, that's it.  That's it, Helen. Water! WA-TER!"
Jeffrey,Wawa.
Bebe,She did it!
Kids,"She did it! She did it! Water! Water water aaaaaaaa!Water, Helen, Water.We can't believe she did it. The dumb kid really did it.Water, Helen, Water."
Jeffrey,Now that I can communicate the world is not so cold and dark.
Kids,"Water, Helen, Aaa-aaaaaa!"
Lamond,"Here it comes, angel! Your big finale! The audience is going to go wild!  Oh. Back already? Don't worry. Maynard covered your part flawlessly."
Timmy,Timmih!
Jimbo,Turkey shoot!
Lamond,"Alinicia! Jesus, no!"
Timmy,"Aaaa, Timmih!"
Cartman,"Okay, we're ready for the-  What the hell did you assholes do?! This is supposed to be the big finale where the turkey jumps through the ring of fire!"
Kyle,"Hey, look!"
Principal Victoria,"Oh. Oh, wow! WOWuh!"
Cartman,They loved it! They LOVED it!
Timmy,Gobbles!
Mr. Garrison,"And finally tonight, parents, we have the South Park Kindergarten class. Their play is titled, ""Thanksgiving, Mon Ami."""
Stan,"Okay, here we go."
Kyle,"Dude, it just can't be better than ours. It just can't be."
Kindergartners,"It's getting dinner. Let's all eat.E I E I O.And on that dinner we'll invite some IndiansE I E I O.With an Indian here and an Indian thereEverywhere an Indian, Indian. Uh thank, thank-"
Pilgrim Girl,Aaaaaaa!
Kindergartners,Happy Thanksgiving.
Mr. Garrison,"Alright, see you next year, parents."
Cartman,That's it?
Stan,We worked our asses off to compete with that?!
Kyle,Butters told us their play was awesome!
Butters,"...Wow, did you see that? They had a horse, too!"
Timmy,"Gobbles, deh!"
Ms. Choksondik,"Alright, children, as I'm sure you all remember, today we are going to continue our biology lesson... dissecting an organism."
Class,Yeah!
"Bebe, New Kid",Woohoo.
Ms. Choksondik,"Now, what we are going to dissect today is the West Indian manatee.  Manatees are mammals that live in the oceans and are often called the gentle clowns of the sea."
Wendy,"Uhh, Ms. Choksondik, aren't manatees endangered?"
Ms. Choksondik,"They sure are, Wendy, and that's why we must learn what's inside them.  Now, we don't have quite enough  manatees to go around, so I think we're gonna have to split up into groups of four."
Butters,Hey! Ours is still alive!
Ms. Choksondik,"Oh, hold on.  Now, children, our first incision will be along the abdomen."
Stan,"I can't do it, dude."
Kyle,"Aw, don't be such a baby!  You do it, Kenny."
Kenny,(Nuh uh!)
Kyle,"Come, on, Kenny! I'll give you five bucks to do it!"
Kenny,(FIVE BUCKS???)
Stan,Too bad Cartman's missing this. He must be really sick.
Phillip,"Say Terrance, this body appears to have been moved since the murder. Look at the forensic evidence around the torso."
Terrance,I don't see anything.
Phillip,Look closer.  Closer.  Hunh-nh.
Terrance,"I still don't see anything, Phillip."
Phillip,Waitwait. Hunh.
Cartman,"I know what's gonna happen, Mom. You wanna know what's gonna happen?"
Phillip,"Keep looking, Terrance. The forensic evidence is right around here.  Ah!  Af!"
Terrance,AAHahahahahahaaa!
Cartman,Whoa! That totally surprised me!  I can't believe how the show manages to stay fresh.
Liane,"Eh yes, sweetie."
Cartman,Mom.can you go make me a toaster pastry chocolate-mix butter ball?
Liane,"Oohh, honey, why don't you make it yourself?  Mommy's  expecting  some company."
Cartman,"God, I have to everything around here!"
Cartman,"I'mo drag home myself, babih. But the-  What the hell's going on?"
Liane,"Uh, sweetie, your friends wanted to have a ""talk"" with you."
Mr. Mackey,"Eric, your friends and your family are all... concerned about your weight. M'kay?"
Cartman,What?!
Dr. Doctor,We believe that you might have a problem.
Cartman,You're God-damn right I have a problem! Terrance and Phillip is on and I don't have anywhere to sit! Now what the hell is this?!
Mr. Garrison,"It's called intervention, Eric."
Liane,Your friends and I have all chipped in and we're going to send you up to a weight-management retreat.
Cartman,Fat camp?
Dr. Doctor,"Yes, fat camp."
Cartman,"Alright, I don't know who the hell put you all up to this,  but I am sure as hell not going to any gay-ass fat camp!"
Mr. Mackey,"Now, Eric, all these people came here and paid to send you to camp because they care about you."
Mr. Garrison,"Yeah, except for me. I just wanted to see the look on your face when they told you."
Cartman,"Mom, tell them! Tell them I'm not fat, I'm just big-boned! Tell them all those stories about how everyone in your family was big as a child but then grew into their bodies!"
Liane,"Oh, sweetie, those were all lies. You're just fat."
Ms. Choksondik,And now we will be removing the spleen. Notice how the manatee's spleen is designed for a qu-
Principal Victoria,"Ah, Ms. Choksondik, can we have a quick word with you?"
Ms. Choksondik,"Alright, continue with the removal of the spleen, children. I'll be right back."
Kyle,"Aw, dude, check this out."
Stan,That's so gross.
Kyle,"Hey, Kenny. How much for you to eat this?"
Kenny,(I'm not eatin' that!)
Kyle,I'll give you ten bucks to eat it.
Stan,I'll throw in five.
Principal Victoria,And so apparently there's been a little mixup. The manatees were meant to go to the Denver Shelter Aquarium and the frogs were meant to come here.
Ms. Choksondik,Oh dear.
Butters,I'll throw in a dollar!
Bebe,I've got three.
Kyle,"Come on, dude. All you gotta do is eat it very fast!"
Stan,forty-one bucks.  Eww-ho-hoo! He did it!
Ms. Choksondik,"Alright, children, now, let's get back in our seats. Uh, we are now going to put the manatees back together."
Liane,"...And it has basketball courts and tennis courts, and you can call Mommy any time you want.  Oh, sweetie-kins, don't be mad. I'm sure you're going to have a good time. And when you come back you'll be all healthy and thin."
Male Counselor,Howdy there. I'm one of the weight counselors here. This must be Eric Cartman.
Liane,Yes. I'm afraid he's a little moody.
Male Counselor,"Oh, we'll change that.  Hello, camper. My name is Rick. How are you doing?"
Cartman,"Well, I'm pissed off!, Rick! How are you?"
Rick,"I'm doing great! Why don't you come on out and we'll get yo oriented.  I'll take care of him from here, ma'am."
Liane,"Oh.  Well, goodbye, sweetie."
Cartman,Don't touch me!
Rick,"Eric, this is the beginning of a whole new life for you!"
Brunette,Have you got any candy?
Cartman,No.
Taller Boy,My mom says I ain't to eat no candy here. I'm s'psoed to lose weight.
Rick,"Alright! Everybody's here and that means we can get down to business! Over the next few weeks we're gonna learn that losing weight is  fun, right gang?"
Taller Boy,Right.
Rick,Wait a second.  Do you kids hear something?  I could've swore that-
Pink Monster,Raaarrrr!!!
Rick,"Oh no, kids! It's glutinous fat!"
Pink Monster,I'm gonna take over your body and make you slow!
Rick,Oh! What are we going to do? Wait! I know! I could knock it out! With... Exercise!  And... Proper Diet.
Pink Monster,Oh no! Exercise and proper diet have killed me.
Rick,"I guess we took care of that bad old fat, didn't we kids?"
Taller Boy,Yeah!
Rick,"Well, hold on a second. Because that glutinous fat was really our good friend, Susan,  who's another weight counselor!"
Taller Boy,Heh! It was a lady in a costume!
Cartman,Would somebody put this retard out of his misery?!
Kyle,What's the matter?
Stan,Kenny's not feeling so good. That manatee spleen made him sick.
Kyle,Uh oh. I guess we shouldn't have made him eat it.
Kids,Eewww.
Stan,"Well, at least you got it out of your system."
Kyle,"Aw, dude! You can still kinda see the spleen!  How much, Kenny?"
Kenny,(WHAT?!)
Kyle,I'll give you five bucks to eat your puke.
Butters,Huh-I'm in for five!
Stan,"Oh, you guys!"
Clyde,I've got three.
Token,Six!
Butters,Uh-here. Uh-you can scoop it up in my R. Kelly thermos.
Kyle,"That's 19 bucks, Kenny!"
Kenny,(Ungh.)
Kids around Kenny,AAAAA!
Kids around Timmy,Waugh.
Kyle,"Kick ass, dude!"
Stan,"You know, dude, there might be something to this."
Kyle,Yeah. People are willing to pay big money to see Kenny do this stuff.
Rick,Doing great kids! Come on!
Cartman,This... is... bullcrap!
Rick,"Well, I sure enjoyed my carrots and protein bar! How about you, gang?"
Cartman,I'm starving. This is it. I'm going to die here.
Susan,I hope you all left room for dessert. Soybean pudding for everybody!
Brunet Boy,Are you going to eat your soybean pudding?
Cartman,Take it! I can't eat this crap!
Blonde Girl,Me neither. I have to have sugar or I'm going to die.
Cartman,"Yeah, well, when I was in prison, we used to sneak stuff in by hiding it up our ass."
Brunet Boy,I have some Fudge 'Ems up my ass. You want some?
Cartman,"Psss. Yeah, I'm not falling for that one again!"
Cartman,"Alright, Clyde Frog. We just gotta clear the counselor building and we're free.  We did it, Clyde Frog! Now the only question is, do we go home to our traitor moms and friends, or do we start a new life on the run?  An ice cream truck! Hey wait!  Boy, am I glad to see you!"
Driver,Can I interest you in some ice cream?
Cartman,"You're damn right you can! Two Roller Pops, please!"
Driver,"Alrighty, do you want this kind or this kind?"
Cartman,Hunh?  Uuh!
Boy 1,"They tricked us again, huh?"
Cartman,"Aw, God-damnit!  LET ME OUT OF HMYA!"
Driver,"Hang on, we'll be back at camp in a matter of no time."
Boy 1,"They always get us. Sometimes it's a ice cream truck, sometimes it's a taco stand. But they always fool us."
Taller Boy,Heh-I can't help it. I'd give anything. Any amount of money for some candy.
Rick,Hey kids!
Sussan,Looks like we had some attempted escapees again tonight.
Rick,"Escape-aroo! Now campers, I know that camp is tough, but you have to believe that you can do it. And you have to know that until you drop the weight, you can't leave."
Susan,There is no escape.
Rick,"So let's just all put on our try-hard helmets, and accept that the only way for us to get out of camp, is to LOSE THE WEIGHT"
Eric,"Aw, damnit!"
Gerald,That's what being young is all about.
Mr. Garrison,But that's not the question.
Liane,"Thanks for coming, everybody."
Mr. Mackey,"Uh what's all this about, Mrs. Cartman? Is Eric having trouble at havin' trouble at his weight-management camp?"
Stan,We knew he wouldn't make it.
Liane,"Oh, no. Quite the contrary. Eric showed up and surprised me last night. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present to you... the new Eric Cartman."
New Cartman,"Hey, dudes!"
Kyle,Whoa!
Stan,I don't believe it.
Liane,Believe it. He lost 40 pounds at his fat camp.
Mr. Mackey,"Eric, that's fantastic, m'kay?!"
Principal Victoria,Congratulations. How do you feel?
New Cartman,I feel awesome!
Kyle,What did they do with all the fat? There must have been enough to last an Eskimo family months.
New Cartman,"You know, Kyle? There was a time when your fat jokes would have gotten to me. But now I'm totally slim and totally happy! In fact, I'd say I'm  a little bit trimmer than you, fatboy!  Heh heh. Just kidding, Kyle."
Liane,I made some healthy tofu pudding to celebrate. Who wants some?
Cartman,Memememeee!
Kyle,Dude. I don't know if I'm going to like the new Eric Cartman.
Stan,Did you like the old one?
Kyle,Good point.
Announcer,"And now back to Jesus and Pals, on South Park Public Access."
Jesus,"Back to our courageous story of a little boy's triumph over obesity. Eric, yea. You found that the Spirit of the Lord inside you gave you strength."
New Cartman,"No. Actually, I found a diet that totally works."
Jesus,"A little boy who overcame the odds. Let's hear it for Eric Cartman!  Well, our second guest tonight is a young man named Kenny McCormick, who is going to eat dog crap. Kenny?"
New Cartman,"God-damnit, all I got was a little golf clap!"
Jesus,"Thanks for coming on the show, Kenny."
Kenny,(Sure!)
Man 1,Do it again!
Man 2,Do it again!
Man 3,Hey kid! I'll give you 20 bucks to eat a really old piece of bacon!
New Cartman,This is ridiculous!
Jesus,"So. Kenny, how did you discover that you had this... talent?"
Stan,"We thought of it, Jesus. I mean, Kenny's the one that does it all, but we were the masterminds of the whole thing."
Jesus,"I can't say I approve of this, my children."
Kyle,Huh? Why not?
Jesus,Because Kenny is only doing things that anybody could do. For money. He's a prostitute.
Man 4,I'll pay him 50 bucks to eat someone else's vomit.
Man 5,Yeah!
Man 6,Yeah! Go for it!
Stan,What's a prostitute?
Kyle,I don't know.
Chef,"Hello there, children!"
"Stan, Kyle, Kenny","Hey, Chef:"
Stan,"Chef, what's a prostitute?"
Chef,"Dag-nabbit children! How come every time you come in here you gotta be askin' me questions that I shouldn't be answering?! ""Chef, what's the clitoris?"" ""What's a lesbian, Chef?"" ""How come they call it a rimjob, Chef?""  For once, can't you just come in here and say, ""Hi Chef. Nice day, isn't it?""!"
Stan,"Hi Chef. Nice day, isn't it?"
Chef,It sure is! Thank you.
Stan,"Chef, what's a prostitute?"
Chef,Uh uh! You children are gonna get me in trouble with the principal again.
New Cartman,Lunchtime! I'm starved!
Chef,Oh my God. Eric?
New Cartman,That's me.
Stan,Chef was just about to tell us what a prostitute is.
Chef,Why do you need to know what a prostitute is anyway?!
Stan,Because Jesus told us that Kenny's a prostitute. Is he?
Kenny,(Yeah. Am I?)
Chef,"Well, no, uh of course Kenny is not a prostitute."
Kyle,Why?
Chef,"Well, because, children, a prostitute is someone who... you could pay for certain services."
Stan,Like what?
Chef,Like keeping you company. Understand?
Stan,No.
Chef,"You see, children, sometimes a man needs to be with a woman. But sometimes, when the lovin' is over, the woman just wants to talk and talk and talk and talk. But a prostitute is someone who would love youNo matter who you are, or what you look like.Yes, it's true, children.That's not why you pay a prostitute,no, you don't pay her to stay, you pay her to leave afterwards.That's why I pays a lot for prostitutes!Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. James Taylor."
James Taylor,A prostitute is like any other womanThey all trade somethin' for sex and they do it well.
Chef,And that's why I say-
Chef and James Taylor,Prostitutes! Prostitutes! They-
Chef,"Oohhhh  ...James Taylor, what the hell are you doin' in here?! Singing' about prostitutes to the children! Get out of here!  ...These children tricked me!"
New Cartman,"Oh, there you are. Alright, I got the goods. Some candy bars, a few donuts, and some beef gravy."
Cartman,Is anyone starting to suspect anything?
New Cartman,Nobody. Your mom even thinks I'm a skinny you.
Cartman,"Ahawesome! Alright, throw it over!"
New Cartman,Uh uh. One thing. I want a bigger cut.
Cartman,What?!
New Cartman,"I'm the one risking my ass, running around in that stupid town pretending to be you and collecting all the food to bring up here! All you have to do is sit back and sell it to all the fat kids!"
Cartman,Alright alright! Keep your voice down! I'll bump you up to 10%.
New Cartman,Twenty.
Cartman,"Suck my balls, 20!"
New Cartman,Fine! Then I shall bid you good day!
Cartman,"Waitwaitwaitwait! Fine, 20! But just remember that your parents think that you're in the drug rehab center next door! You blow your cover and we're both screwed!"
Student 1,You guys! You have to check this tape out!
Student 2,"Ey, we're trying to study. Finals are tomorrow."
Student 1,"No, dude, check this out! It's a video: this kid, he does all kinds of crazy stuff.  Check it out! He jumped into a Porto-Potty at a construction site and stayed there for four days!"
Other Students,Whoa!
Kenny,(Ow.)
Student 1,"Oh, gro-hoss"
Student 3,Sick!
Student 2,That's awesome!  Hey guys! Check this out!
Announcer,"Get ready for the Krrrrrrazy Kenny Show!  And now here's your host, the kid who will do anything to himself for money, Krrrra—a--a-a-azy Kenny!  Kenny, through the past weeks we've seen you eat mice, pretend to kill newborn babies to shock their mothers and ...wash your hair with battery acid. The question in all our minds is,  who-haht are you gonna do next?"
Kenny,"(Well, I'm gonna give my grandfather a full-body sensual massage.)"
Announcer,"Whoa-ho ho! You heard him, folks! Kenny is going to give a sensual full-body massage to his own grandfather!"
Man 1,Oho! Yeah!
Man 2,Woohoo!
Audience,Awww! Awgh!
Stan,Wow! This is Kenny's best show ever!
New Cartman,This is so juvenile.
Kyle,"Cartman, what the hell's the matter with you?"
Stan,"Yeah, you've gotten lame since you got skinny. What's up?"
New Cartman,"Eh, nothing. Hey, can I have some of that licorice to- take home?"
Rick,"Alright campers, good work today. Lights out, and we'll see you tomorrow for more exercise and proper diet."
Susan,"All beddy-byes for the night, are they?"
Rick,"I don't know what we're doing wrong, Susan. These kids aren't losing the weight."
Susan,We'll just have to give them more time. They'll do it!
Rick,They'll do it.
Susan,They'll do it!!
Cartman,"Alright, they're gone!  The Cartman store is open!"
Blonde Girl,"Two donuts and a pack of licorice, please."
Cartman,"Two donuts and a pack of licorice.  Well, Tony, the usual?  Why are you crying, Chad?"
Chad,"'Cause I'm always gonna be fat. I don't wanna eat no sweets, but I can't control myself when they're right in front of me like this.  All my life I've been fat. I've beh- I've been to seven camps and I swore to my momma that I'd lose the weight. I want to, but I can't help myself."
Cartman,"Hey, Chad, eh... You know what you need? You need a friend."
Chad,"I'd, I do?"
Cartman,"Yes.  A chocolate friend.  Mr. Candy Bar doesn't judge you, Chad. Mr. Candy Bar likes you just the way you are.  Look at how yummy and sweet he is.  ...There you go. That'll just be four dollars.  ...There you go."
Announcer,"This week on Pay Per View , Krazy Kenny will crawl up into a woman's uterus and  stay there for six hours. Don't miss this once-in-a-lifetime event. Order now!"
Howard Stern,"Alright, so we're back talkin' to three competing celebrities: Tom Green, Johnny Knoxville from MTV's Jackass and Krazy Kenny."
Tom Green,"Hey, Howard."
Howard Stern,"Krazy Kenny is here to promote his Pay-Per-View special this week, where he will crawl up into a bus driver's uterus and stay there for six hours."
Johnny Knoxville,Wow!
Howard Stern,"Now, some people that all you guys do is perform sick and disgusting acts for shock value and money, which makes you whores. But I'd like to prove them wrong. So what I'm gonna do... is I'm gonna offer each of you $50,000 to give me oral sex right now."
Tom Green,I'm in.
Johnny Knoxville,Me too.
Kenny,(And me!)
Howard Stern,Oh.
Tom Green,Fine! I'll do it for 40!
Johnny Knoxville,30.
Tom Green,20!
Kenny,(...Ten bucks!)
Howard Stern,"Ooh, the kid says he'll do it for ten bucks."
Tom Green,Damnit. I'm out.
Johnny Knoxville,Me too. I guess he is the biggest whore.
Howard Stern,"Alright, let's get going, then. Can we cut the cameras?"
Rick,And we're gonna reach for the sky...
Campers,Woo-aagh.
Rick...,And down to the ground.
Campers,Woo-ugh.
Rick,And up to the sky...
Campers,Woo-aagh.
Rick...,And down to the ground.
Campers,Woo-ugh.
Susan,"Please, Mr. Sanders."
Mr. Sanders,No! I have had it!
Rick,What's happening?
Susan,Horace's parents want to take him home.
Rick,Oh! But he's not ready yet.
Mr. Sanders,"Look at what you've done to my boy! You told Horace that he was responsible for his weight! You made him believe that with exercise and proper diet, he could be thin! When we told you it was his genetics!"
Rick,They can lose the weight if they try.
Mr. Sanders,Look at these kids! They're not getting any thinner!  Your camp is a fraud! You need to accept the fact that most fat people are just genetically fat!
Susan,"Please, sir, if you give us one more week,..."
Mr. Sanders,Your time is up!
Mrs. Sanders,"Yeah, your time is up!"
Mr. Sanders,And I'm going to call all the other parents to tell them to come claim their kids as well! Your camp is a WASTE ...of time!
Horace,"But, Dad, I..."
Mr. Sanders,What?!
Horace,...Nothin'.
Susan,"We're in trouble, Rick."
Kyle,"Alright, Ms. Crabtree. Is it comf'table enough?"
Ms. Crabtree,HOW LONG HAVE I GOT TO SIT HERE?
Kyle,Six hours.
Ms. Crabtree,"HELL, I'LL DO SIX HOURS FOR THE FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS YOU'RE PAYING ME!"
Kyle,Great.
Stan,You guys! It's Kenny! He's been arrested for prostitution in New York!
Kyle,For what?
Stan,For giving Howard Stern a hummer!
Butters,Who-what's a hummer??
Stan,I don't know! All I know is Kenny is in jail for at least three months!
Kyle,Three months?! But the pay-per-view is tomorrow!
Stan,I know!
Kyle,"He worked so hard, come so close. Now we'll never see Kenny crawl up into Ms. Crabtree's uterus."
New Cartman,"You know, maybe we've all learned something here. I mean, we set Kenny up to further and further himself each time, havin' to always outdo himself. Now he's in jail for being a whore. And perhaps, just perhaps, we are to blame."
Kyle,"...Alright, that does it!  This has been bothering the hell out of me!  I knew it! You're not Cartman at all!"
New Cartman,Uh oh.
Announcer,"Well, we've seen him do just about every disgusting thing in the book, and today live on pay-per-view, Krazy Kenny is going to crawl into a woman's uterus for six hours!  Well, Ms. Crabtree, your cervix has been dilated, your womb equipped with oxygen- How do you feel?"
Ms. Crabtree,I feel great! I haven't had this much attention paid to my coot since I was 16!
Audience,Hooray!
Announcer,"Well, let's bring out the man of the hour, you know him as the-"
Kyle,"Don't worry, dude. You're gonna do great."
New Kenny,No way! I'm not doing this!
Kyle,"Oh, you're doing it, or else we're gonna bust your whole scheme wide open, and tell your mom you haven't actually been at your drug rehab this whole time!"
New Kenny,But this isn't fair!
Stan,"Deal, druggie!"
New Kenny,(But I'm gonna starve to death if I get in there!)
Announcer,"And here he is, Kenny McCormick!  We can watch him on the video monitors. How are you doin' in there, Kenny?"
Mrs. McCormick,That's my boy!
Rick,"Good-bye, Chad."
Chad's Dad,"We'll be wanting our refund, naturally."
Rick,Naturally.
Susan,"Good-bye, Alice."
Alice,Good-bye. Thank you.
Rick,"Oh, don't thank us. We failed you."
Cartman,"...65, 66, 67..."
Chad,"Wait a second! This isn't right!  It's time for me to be responsible for my own actions! Mom, Dad, we've been eating candy this whole time! Eric Cartman's been sneaking in junk food!"
Cartman,"Eh- shut up, you half-Chad!"
Horace,"No, he's right. The counselors've been doing a good job. We've just been cheating."
Other campers,Yeah.
Horace,I believe I can lose the weight with exercise and proper diet. I don't wanna make excuses no more.
Girl,Me neither.
Other campers,Yeah.
Horace,"If you take us back, we promise we won't cheat."
Rick,"Well, it's alright with me. Parents?"
Mr. Sanders,"Well, what the heck. Maybe when you're all done you can teach me a thing or two, huh son?"
Cartman,"You know? You guys are right. I'm sick of being the fat kid, too. I've been making excuses all my life. But I know deep down that if I took responsibility and really tried hard, and we all tried together, well we really can lose the weight!"
Susan,"Oh no, not you. You're not welcome here anymore."
Campers,Yeah.
Cartman,What?!
Rick,Bubbye.
Cartman,"Well, screw you, fatasses!"
Audience,"Four, three, two, one!"
Announcer,"He did it! Come on out, Kenny!  You made it six hours, Kenny. Come on out of there.  Hmmm. Uh, Ms. Crabtree, maybe you could give him a little push."
Audience,OOOOHHHHHH!
Dr. Doctor,He's dead. The pressure must have killed him.
Ms. Crabtree,I told you I was a tight virgin flower.
Stan,"Oh my God, they've killed Kenny! ...Sort of."
Kyle,Yeah. They've kinda killed Kenny -'s look-alike. You bastards!
Announcer,"Well, he gave his life for our amusement. One little boy who dared to be different. Let us never forget... Kenny McCormick.  Who was that?"
Kyle,"Come on. Throw the football, Ike."
Ike,No on dahdo.
Stan,Dude!  You're not gonna believe what Cartman has!
Kyle,Hepatitis B?
Cartman,"No, dickhole. Four tickets, 28th row, for the Raging Pussies!"
Kyle,...You got Raging Pussies tickets??
Stan,We're going tomorrow night! Cartman's got the bus schedule all figured out!
Kyle,Hold on. I'll be right back.
Kyle,"Mom, Dad, can I go with the guys to see the Raging Pussies?"
Sheila,"No, Kyle."
Kyle,But all the guys are going!
Sheila,"Kyle, you're not old enough, and those concerts are dangerous and vile."
Kyle,"But Mom, I-"
Gerald,"The answer is no, Kyle!"
Kyle,Ugh!
Kyle,My parents said I can't go.
Stan,"Well, of course your parents said you can't go!"
Cartman,"Dummy, you don't ask if you can go! I'm telling my parents I'm staying at Stan's house, Stan's telling his parents he's staying at Kenny's house, and Kenny's not telling his parents anything, 'cause they're alcoholics and they don't care!"
Kenny,(Yeah!)
Kyle,"Ah. Oh, now I already told them."
Cartman,"Well, I guess you're screwed, then."
Kyle,No! It's alright! Just give me some time to work on them. I'll see you guys later.
Kyle,"...But what if I do a bunch of chores around the house? Come on, you're being unfair!"
Sheila,"Alright. Fine, Kyle, you can go to the Raging Pussies concert if you clean out the garage, shovel the driveway and bring democracy to Cuba!"
Kyle,What's Cuba?
Gerald,A communist country run by a dictator named Fidel Castro.
Kyle,"And do I have to shovel the whole driveway, or just the side the car is on?"
Sheila,The whole thing.
Kyle,"Hoh, geez."
Kyle,Dear Mr. Castro:  I am an eight-year-old American boy who lives in South Park.
Kyle,"And if I had just one wish, just one wish in the whole world,If I had one wish it'd be for Cuba to change.Because I think that all the Cubans are in painAll the joy in the world, from sea to shining seaDoesn't mean a thing if Cubans aren't freeI just can't be very happy, that's certainNot as long as your Cubans are hurtin' Oh, won't you search your soul and find a way to change your mind?That is my one and only wish."
Castro,¡¡Llamen a todos junto!!
Reporter,"Once again, this does mark the end of Communism in Cuba. Cuban dictator Fidel Castro claims he was finally convinced by a young boy's letter.  Now the country is again open to American tourism.  Plans can finally resume for Knott's Berry Farm Cuba."
Kyle,I did it! Now I can go to the Raging Pussies!
Sheila,No you can't!
Kyle,What??
Gerald,"Kyle, your mother and I don't want you going to the Raging Pussies concert! We gave you a chore that we thought was impossible. You weren't supposed to actually do it."
Kyle,"But I did! Ah, I brought democracy to Cuba!"
Sheila,"We know, Kyle, but we just don't want you going to their concert."
Kyle,But that's not fair! You lied to me!
Gerald,"Kyle, perhaps we handled this wrong, buh- but you need to understand that we don't want-"
Kyle,What I understand is that you totally screwed me over!! So why should I have to listen to you?!
Gerald,Because we're your parents!
Kyle,Well I wish I didn't have any parents!
Sheila,Kyle!
Kyle,It's so unfair! How can my parents do that to me?!
Stan,"Parents can be pretty cruel sometimes, dude. They get off on it."
Kyle,They're evil! I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE ANY PARENTS!
Cartman,"Well, you... could make them... go away for a while."
Kyle,How?!
Cartman,"Well, I mean, you... could... call the police and have them take your parents away."
Stan,The police?
Cartman,"Yeah, I saw it on TV. All you gotta do is call the police and say that your parents both molestered you."
Kyle,What's that?
Cartman,"I don't know, but it works. When I wanted to get rid of my mom's last boyfriend, I just called the police, and said he was molestering me, and I haven't seen him for three months."
Kyle,Wow! Three months without parents!
Kenny,"(Wow, that is awesome!)"
Stan,But what do the police do to them?
Kyle,Who cares? My parents deserve whatever they get. They're liars and cheats.
Cartman,"You have to make it convincing, though, when you call the police. You have to be like,  ""my parents molestered me."""
Kyle,"""My parents molestered me."""
Cartman,"No, but you've gotta cry, like this:  ""My parents molestered me.""  And then they'll say something like, ""Was it a good touch or a bad touch?"" and you say  ""Uh, it was a good touch"" or- no wait,  you say it was a bad touch."
Kyle,"What's ""bad touch""?"
Cartman,"Something about a swimsuit - I don't remember, but you definitely answer ""bad touch."""
Kyle,"Okay, molestered, bad touch."
Cartman,"Yeah, And cry.  Oh, he's ready."
Sheila,"Oh my God, this isn't happening. I would never touch my children like that."
Case Worker,"You do have the right to remain silent, ma'am. I suggest you use that right."
Sheila,"Ugh, please, just listen to me!  What about my children? Who will take care of them?"
Case Worker,"Oh, now you care?! They're going to live with their grandmother."
Sheila,"Their grandmother's been dead for three years.  You're not listening to me. Kyle, tell these people that your-  mother never raped you! Tell them! It's my fault. Say it! Tell them right now!!"
Case Worker,They'll never be able to hurt you again.
Kyle,"Cool, thanks."
Case Worker,"Alright, folks. Our work here is done."
Stan/Kyle,Alright!
Stan,"Dude! Having no parents is awesome! I'm gonna say my parents molestered me, too."
Cartman,"Hey, yeah! We should all say our parents molestered us!"
Kids,"Yeah, uh huh, woo hoo!"
TV Announcer,The following hot presentation is for mature audiences only.
Cartman,You guys! Come out here!
Stan,What's going on?
Cartman,Notice anything?  Watch.
Kyle,...Nothing.
Cartman,"Yeah, nothing. There's not an adult left in town.  They've all been arrested, and the ones that weren't arrested have moved away because they're scared of being arrested"
Kyle,Not one adult left?
Stan,...Then it's ours. The whole town. It's ours.
Woman,"Oh, sweetie, I have no idea where we are."
Man,I haven't seen a road marker for miles. What was the last highway we were on?
Woman,There has to be a town around here somewhere.
Man,Maybe you're reading the map wrong.
Woman,"Hey, it was your idea to take the backroads."
Man,"What the?  Oh no. No, no, no, no."
Woman,What's the matter with it?
Man,"I have no idea. Oh, we're gonna have to find some help quick. We're not gonna make it more than a couple of miles."
Woman,"Oh, look! There's a town up ahead.  Smiley Town? That's a strange name."
Man,"Well, it'll have to do. It's probably the only town for a hundred miles."
Woman,Hello? Is anybody here?
Butters,"Hoh, hahh, can I- help you folks?"
Man,"...Yes, we need a mechanic to look at our car."
Butters,"Oh, well-l-l, uh, I'm the mec-hanic, I guess. Woh-what seems to be the problem?"
Man,...It's... just you here?
Butters,"No, uh Craig's here, too."
Man,"Oh, good."
Butters,"But he's playing Spaceman right now. Huh. Hey, Craig!"
Craig,What?
Man,"Look we're in a bit of a spot here! I've got a very important job interview tomorrow morning in Breckenridge, so I have to get my car fixed fast! Is there another garage in town?"
Butters,"Huuuhhhh, no."
Man,How about a phone? Can we just use the phone?
Butters,Phone here doesn't work. Haa-I'm afraid the only phone that does work... is over in Treasure Cove.
Man,Fine! Can you take us there?
Craig,You... sure you wanna go to Treasure Cove?
Woman,Yes.
Butters,Uhh rrreeally are you sure?
Man,Yes.
Butters,"Oh, alright then.  Uh, show 'em where it is."
Craig,"This is the end of Smiley Town. The only phone is somewhere in Treasure Cove. If you wanna find it, you're gonna have to cross the white line."
Man,"Well, can you help us find the phone, please?"
Craig,Hell no! I'm not crossing the white line.
Woman,Why not?!
Man,"Alright, let's just... go, Linda. I don't have time for Spaceman Spiff's little games."
Craig,Craig.
Man,What?
Craig,It's Spaceman Craig.
Two Small Voices,Carousel.
More Voices,Nah nah nanah nah!
Man,"Look, there's an elementary school  Come on, there might be some teachers inside."
Linda,What is that? WAAH What do you want from us??
Man,"Linda, it's a remote-controlled car.  Looks like maybe there's a little camera on it."
Linda,"Mark, I don't like this."
Mark,"Relax, Linda, everything's fine.  Ow.  Ow."
Linda,What is it?! Acid?!
Mark,"No, uh, it's lemon juice."
Linda,Oh God! Are you blind?!
Mark,"No, it just really, really, really hurts!"
Linda,"Mark? Mark, look.  Well, hello. What's your name?  What- what do you want?"
Jenny,We wanna play.
Linda,"Mark, I'm scared!"
Mark,Don't be scared. They're just kids.  Where are your parents?!
Filmore,We already played with our parents.
Jenny,"How, we wanna play wit' youuuu."
Mark,"...Okay, I'm scared now, too. That freaked me out."
Kindergartners,We wanna play wit' you!
Mark,Get off me!
Linda,"Oh God, Mark! Help!"
Filmore,Oh no! She's crossing the white line!
Kindergartners,Whoa!
Kindergartner,Spitwads!
Craig,"Take that, kindergartners!"
Kindergartners,Ew!
Mark,What the hell is gong on here?!
Craig,Kindergartners. Treasure Cove is full of them.
Mark,"Alright, kid! We demand to see an adult this instant!"
Craig,I got new orders. I'm supposed to take you to see the mayor.
Mark,The mayor! Good! Finally!
Cartman,"Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Cotner. Won't you come in, please?  Mr. and Mrs. Cotner, as the mayor of Smiley Town, I would like to ask you a few questions."
Linda,You're the mayor? What the hell is gong on here?! Where are your parents?!
Cartman,"Parents?  Ah, you mean the birth-givers. They're not around."
Mark,No parents in the entire town? What happened to them?
Cartman,"Okay, see, I am the mayor of Smiley Town, and so I will ask the questions around hyah!"
Linda,"Look, just point us to a phone, kid, alright?"
Cartman,"Eheh, I'm afraid you'll find all the phones... quite out of service."
Mark,"No phones, either? How do you communicate?"
Cartman,"Butters, I need an ETA on the car, stat."
Mark,"Alright, we've had just about enough here! That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen! I don't care what little games you kids wanna play, we just want outta here, alright?"
Butter's Voice,It's gonna be about three days.
Cartman,"So, it appears that you need me. Which is good, because... I need you, too.  Ringy-ding?"
Mark,I have the job interview of my life in Breckenridge! Just tell me how to get to a phone or a car!
Francis,SpitBall!
Cartman,"Aaahh!  You sons of bitches!  You see what we're dealing with here. Tonight is Carousel. And they will try to kill one of us. Eh, you two seem to have the uncanny ability to cross the white line. If you help us, we'll get you what you need."
Linda,"Mark, are we doing the right thing?"
Mark,"Look! If getting the stupid book will get me a cell phone, I don't care!"
Linda,I just don't know if you're dealing with these kids the right way.
Mark,"Well, I told you I can't deal with kids, Linda! That's why I don't want to have children!"
Linda,"Hey, I think you'd make a great father."
Mark,"Oh, let's not go through this again, Linda. D-  Look, here's the book they've been talking about-  it makes no sense."
Linda,My God! Mark!  What is it??
Mark,It's a boy.  They... killed him.
Linda,"The bastards. Oh, Mark, let's get out of here."
Kindergartners,Nah nah nanah nah!
Linda,Na-a-ah!
Mark,Oh no!
Linda,Mark!
Mark,Uh. The fat kid told us to take it.
Mark,"Wuh. Aah! Mark! Mark, wake up!"
Kids,Nah nah nanah nah!
Stan,"You guys, stop it!  Sorry about them. Kindergartners are kind of spazzes."
Kyle,Yeah.
Mark,Why are you doing this?
Stan,How come you wanna help the fatass?!
Mark,Who?
Kyle,The fatass. The mayor.
Mark,"Look, I have the job interview of my life in less than-  -12 hours! I just need a phone, and he said he'd help me if I took your book so you couldn't... kill them anymore."
Stan,"You got foolied, outlander! We're the only ones with a working phone. And if you had taken our book, then it's one of us who dies tonight at Carousel!"
Linda,"Uh, how did this all happen? Why do you children live in this town alone?"
Kyle,"Because we do. It was like this yesterday, and the day before that."
Linda,But what about before that?
Stan,"You mean in the before time? In the long, long ago?"
Linda,Yes!!
Stan,"If we tell you, will you help us stop Fatass?"
Mark,I'll do anything to get to a phone!
Stan,Alright. Everybody gather round. We're gonna tell the story of the before time again.
Kids,The Before time.
Boy,The story of the before time.
Stan,"Way back, in the long long ago, we all lived by the birth-givers' laws. But the birth-givers were unfair. They made us go to bed early and eat broccoli."
Kids,"Yuck, yuck, yuck."
Stan,"And so the fatass came up with a way to have all the birth-givers disappear. , by using the magic M word."
Kids,Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Stan,"Soon we were without power, water, or fresh food. But we tried to survive. Under the guidance of... the Provider."
Kids,Provider. Provider.
Stan,The fatass and us disagreed on how to worship the provider. The fatass tried to make us follow his way by making himself the school principal. So we made ourselves the superintendents of school. But then he just made himself the mayor. The town split sides and that's when the Provider got angry.
Kids,Boo!
Boy,Bwack bwack!
Kids,Coosh!
Stan,"So now, every night, the Provider must be appeased at Carousel. We need their book so one of ours doesn't die."
Kids,"Carousel, Carousel."
Stan,"We all know that one day, the Provider will set us free. Make everything like it was in the before time. In the long, long ago."
Mark,"Ah-ah-ah-ah,let me get this straight: if I go get the fat kid's book on the other side of the white line, you'll show me where a cell phone is?"
Stan,Yes. No foolies.
Kids,No foolies.
Mark,"No, uh, it's it's it's right out here. Come on.  Linda, I want you to just go back to the car and wait for me, alright? I'll go get that fat kid's book so I can use their phone."
Linda,"Mark, I'm scared."
Mark,"I know, but this will all be over soon."
Sheila,"Oh, Gerald, I haven't seen you for so long!"
Gerald,"Hello, honey, how has prison been for you?"
Sheila,"Oh, it's awful! Just awful."
Speaker,"Alright parents, let's all take our seats.  My name is Scott Evans, and I am a prison rehabilitation counselor."
Randy,"Uh, excuse me, but my wife and I honestly never touched our child."
Gerald,"Eh, neither did we."
Mrs. McCormick,"We didn't, either."
Mr. Evans,"Enough, enough!  Look, it's obvious we have a lot of emotional issues and personal demons to face here. During your prison time, you will all be spending one hour a day in therapy here with me. What I want you to do is learn to control those sick, sexual urges you have. Now we're gonna try an exercise: I'm gonna confront you with what you lust after most.  Alright parents, now I, I know this is difficult, but I want you to just look at this child. Just try to suppress your urges to rape him.  Just think about somethin' else. Think about clouds and beaches. Don't think about his supple, soft little body."
Gerald,"Oh, that's disgusting!!! Now, now stop this!!"
Mr. Evans,"Fight your urges, Mr. Broflovski!"
Gerald,I don't have any urges!
Mr. Evans,"I can't help you if you won't admit you need help!! Now sit down!  Look, I know this is very difficult for all of you. Most of you are still in denial about what you've done! To you it seems you've never raped your children at all! But you did. Help meeee help youuuu.  Now let's try again.  Look at this young man. Just look. Don't rape. Fight it. Fight it!"
Linda,"Oh God, God, please just let us out of this place."
Butters,"I think I found the problem, ma'am. A broken window roller-upper."
Linda,Oh no. NO!  Aaaah!
Cartman,Where is your husband?
Linda,"Uh, uh..."
Cartman,Seize her!
Mark,"Alright, I got the book for you."
Stan,Awesu-home!
Mark,"Now, can I please have the cell phone?"
Kyle,"Sure, outlander. I'll get it"
Cartman,Outlander!
Cartman,"Outlander! We have your woman! She still lives, outlander! Outlander, her blood was fair!"
Butters,Oo what the heck are you talkin' about?
Cartman,"Butters, calm down, alright?"
Mr. Evans,"Okay, so what are some other things that we can do besides molest our children?"
Man,See a movie?
Mr. Evans,"Sure, ""see a movie""'s good.  We could see a movie instead of molesting our children. What else?"
Mrs. McCormick,Make a sweater?
Mr. Evans,"Uh huh. I'll put ah, ""knitting, sewing.""  Who's got another one?"
Blond Man,Molest children?
Mr. Evans,"Nonono, we're looking for things to do besides molesting our children."
Blond Man,Oh. Fishing?
Mr. Evans,Fishing's good. Uh huh.
Cartman,"I believe you have something of ours, outlander! Give it back, or the female gets it!"
Linda,Mmrrhhhh!
Cartman,"Heh, heheh."
Linda,Rrrmm-mmrrhh!
Mark,Give him the book back.
Stan,"No. If they have it, one of ours will die for Carousel!"
Cartman,"We're running out of time! Hand our book over, quick!"
Mark,Enough of this! You kids are all in big trouble!
Cartman,The Provider awakes!
Stan,"It's time for Carousel! Haha, your side doesn't have its book, fatass! That means someone on your side is sacrificed tonight."
Cartman,"Aw, damnit! Alright.  It is decided.  Butters, your turn."
Butters,"Oh, I'm gonna be sacrificed to the Provider!"
Mark,Stop right there! Nobody's killing anybody tonight!
Linda,"Be careful, Mark. They'll make you disappear with the M word."
Cartman,"Yeah, we'll call the police and say you molestered us, too."
Mark,What?
Butters,"I'm here for you, Provider! Uh, take me!"
Mark,"Is that what happened to the adults here?! You lied to the police and said they molested you?! My God, they were your parents!"
Stan,Parents?
Mark,"The birth-givers! Your birth-givers.  Don't you remember? They are your providers! Not some statue! And they're not up in some fantastical faraway land now.  They're in prison. Probably crying themselves to sleep, cold and lonely and... I'm sure missing you all very, very much.  Your birth-givers took care of you. That's what their laws and their rules were for, because they love you, and they didn't want you to end up living like... th-this!  He won't take care of you. Your parents... your... providers... will."
Kyle,Parents. Mom. Dad.
Butters,"Oh boy, here it comes!"
Mark,"If you want things to be the way they were in the before time, in the long, long ago, you all need to call the police and tell them you lied about them M word."
Stan,"He's right, dude. Things were a lot better with our parents around."
Kyle,Yeah. I guess their rules did have a point. Things have gotten a lot worse in the ten days since they've been gone.
Mark,Ten days?? It's only been ten days since they left??
Cartman,Take him down.
Butters,"Hey, uh, what are you doin'?? Ha-I'm ready to give myself to Mr. Elway."
Kyle,"Here's our cell phone, dude.  Will you call the police for us?"
Linda,Hey. Looks like you're not so bad with kids after all.
Mark,"Yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe we should have some."
Linda,"Yeah, right. After all this, I'm getting my tubes ties tomorrow!"
Stan,"Come on, you guys! Our parents are gonna be back any minute!"
Kyle,Do you think they're gonna pissed at us for lying that they molested us and sending them all to jail for ten days?
Stan,"Well, they can't be too pissed off. I mean, we made them a banner."
Linda,"Hey, kids."
Stan,"Hey, you guys came back!"
Kyle,Did you make it to your job interview?
Mark,Yeah. I got the job. You're looking at the new manager of Denny's in Breckenridge.
Linda,And I got my tubes tied.
Kids,Alright!
Kyle,"Well, thanks for everything, you guys. You really helped us see how important parents are."
Kids,Yeah.
Butters,Hey! Here they come!
Kyle,Mom! Dad!
Sheila,Kids!
Parents,"...Come here, come here."
Sheila,"Oh, Kyle. Ike, sweetie, you're OK."
Kyle,Yeah. We're fine.
Gerald,"Kyle, we're so sorry for the horrible sexual abuse over the years. But we're all better now."
Kyle,But you didn't do anything to me.
Gerald,"Hup, we did. We've come to terms with it through therapy and learned to admit it."
Sheila,It won't happen again.
Kyle,"But, you guys, I--"
Sharon,"Oh, Stanley, I wish we could take back all the years of abuse, but we can't."
Liane,"We've learned to overcome it, son. You'll see."
Stephen Stotch,"We love you, son, but we only love you in a platonic way from now on."
Butters,Oo-what the heck are you talkin' about?
Mrs. McCormick,"Kenny? Kenny, we're sorry. Where is he?"
Jenny's Mother,"Everything's gonna be alright now, Jenny.  Come on, let's go home."
Stan,Huh.
Kyle,Huh.
Mark,"Well, what are you kids gonna do now?"
Stan,I dunno.  You guys wanna build a snow igloo?
Kyle,Sure.
Cartman,Snow igloos kick ass.
Kyle,"He's gonna be here any minute, Ike."
Ike,"Oooh nooo, poopies."
Kyle,"Heee might not come if you're too close to the toilet bowl, Ike.  Come sit by me."
Sheila,"It's getting late, boys. Why don't you come on up to bed."
Kyle,"Just let us stay up a little longer, mom. Mr. Hankey's gotta show up. He always does."
Sheila,"Alright, bubbe.  Oh, and boys? Happy Chanukah."
Kyle,"Happy Chanukah, Mom."
Ike,Ayaaa ta.  Weee! Weee...
Kyle,Go away!
Stan,A-ah huh.
Kyle,Stan! Go get the other guys and tell them to meet me at the bus stop in ten minutes!
Stan,Ho-o-oh.
Kyle,"Okay, good. You're all here."
Stan,"What is this all about, Kyle?"
Kyle,It's Mr. Hankey! He hasn't shown up yet.
Cartman,"Aw, Jesus Christ! I'm going back to bed."
Kyle,"It's only three days until Christmas, you guys! You know how bad things have been around here. I think it might be because Mr. Hankey hasn't come."
Cartman,"Kyle, I have a full day of watching TV tomorrow. I don't have time to go on a poo hunt right now, okay?"
Kyle,"If you guys want there to be a Christmas, you'd better come help me!"
Cartman,Heh-tchoo!
Kyle,"Dude, you sneezed on my back!"
Cartman,"Oh, sorry, you might get some germs while you're walking around in human feces!"
Kyle,"Hey, look.  Hello?"
Mr. Hankey,Hoowwddyy ho!
Kyle,"...Mr. Hankey! Hoh, we were so worried! I was waiting up for you and you didn't come, so I thought that-"
Mr. Hankey,"Oh, no I'm fine, Kyle."
Kyle,But where have you been? Things aren't the same without you. Nobody seems to have the Christmas spirit.
Mr. Hankey,"I know, Kyle. I've just been awfully busy with my family.  Honey!"
Cartman,Family?
Mr. Hankey,"Boys, I want you to meet my wife. Autumn."
Autumn,Howdy-hey kids!  Would you like a drink?
Mr. Hankey,"They're too young to drink, honey."
Autumn,"Hey haa, it's Christmas!"
Mr. Hankey,"Come. You have to meet the little nuggets, too. Kids!  This is our son, Cornwallis."
Cornwallis,Hoowwdy Ho!
Mr. Hankey,Our daughter Amber.
Amber,Hoowwdy Ho!
Mr. Hankey,"And our son, Simon."
Simon,"Eee, hey! Hnhn."
Mr. Hankey,Simon's not so smart. He was born with a peanut in his head.
Siimon,Heh What? Dad? Huh?
Mr. Hankey,"Nothin', Simon."
Kyle,A family! So THAT's why you haven't been able to spread Christmas cheer.
Mr. Hankey,It sure has been tough. Nobody seems that into Christmas out there.
Stan,"I know, it's like it doesn't matter anymore."
Cartman,My moms barely bought me any presents so far.
Mr. Hankey,"Well don't worry kids! I'm sending the nuggets up tomorrow to spread Christmas cheer!  And if you want, you can help them."
Kyle,Sure we'll help!
Cartman,Anything for more presents!
Autumn,"""Hic"" Weh-hell, it's a Christmas party! Hey! You boys! You boys wanna bet me I won't take off my clothes?"
Mr. Hankey,"Honey, pleh, you're- you're drunk. Onkay?"
Autumn,But it's a Christmas party!
Mr. Hankey,"Honey, can we go inside for a second?  Well, it's decided, kids. Tomorrow we're gonna bring back the spirit of Christmas!"
Cartman,"Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, you guys! Only three shopping days until-  God-damnit!  Hey! Merry Christmas, asshole!"
Stan,Nobody's paying any attention.
Woman,"Ew, I almost stepped in it."
Tele's Owner,"Well, it was a good effort, boys. But I'm gonna have to close shop. Nobody's buyin' anything an' I can't afford to keep this furnace runnin'!  Oh. And, boys, there's some crap on the sidewalk there. Watch out."
Red,"Not one toy. I guess this yeear, everyone's content to celebrate with candles and love."
Stan,This is hopeless. We're just gonna have to face that the commercialism has been sucked out of Christmas.
News Anchor,"And in other news tonight it appears that everyone is officially SICK OF CHRISTMAS!  In an SPC poll, 38% said they were fed up and tired of the holiday, 5% said they were indifferent to it, and a whopping 57% they would quick Bon Jovi square in the balls if given the opportunity."
Ms. Choksondik,"Well, I think people are just fed up with the crowded shopping and the credit-card bills, uh.  I, I think that the holiday just has become a joke."
Man,"You know, it's just that a lot of people don't really believe in the whole Jesus thing anymore, you know? So what's to celebrate?"
Man 2,"Oh yeah. Right in the balls, man. Right square in the balls."
News Anchor,"Well, the holiday spirit may be gone from South Park, but at least our faith in each other remains strong."
Assistant,In South Park.
News Anchor,Oh really?
Stan,"Dude, change the channel. This is too depressing."
Charlie Brown,Good Grief! We need a Christmas tree for our play.
Cartman,"Oh, Jesus, not this thing again."
Stan,How come everyone in cartoons has such big heads?
Charlie,"Alright, everyone, we've got to get on with our play!"
Kyle,"Jesus, this sucks! All they keep doin' is dancing around!"
Cartman,"Yeah, this thing really falls apart in the second act."
Stan,"And why is it that on Charlie Brown cartoons, everyone talks like this."
Cartman,My mom could make a better Christmas special than this!
Kyle,"Hey, that's it. Oh, my God, that's totally it!  It's so simple!"
Stan,"What, dude?"
Kyle,"We can get everyone back into the Christmas spirit by making our very own animated Christmas special, and showing it to everybody in town!"
Stan,We don't know anything about animation.
Kyle,How hard can it be? Look at it.
Cartman,"Hey yeah! We can make a little animated Santa Claus and Jesus, and it can star us instead of these little round-headed guys!"
Kenny,"(Yeah, right! Awesome!)"
Stan,"Yeah! And we can call it... ""The Spirit of Christmas"""
Mayor,"Ogh! This is terrible, Johnson! Our whole town's economy is going right in the toilet! We've got to get everybody back in the Christmas spirit!"
Aide 2,"Mayor, some adorable children are here to see you."
Mayor,Meugh. Send them in.
Kyle,Mayor! We have the solution to your problem.
Mayor,You do?
Kyle,We're gonna make a short animated Christmas card that everyone can watch and play it on the screen at the old drive-in.
Stan,"It'll have everything. Jesus, Santa. And when people see it, they'll just HAVE to get in the spirit. All we need is three hundred dollars for our budget."
Mayor,"An animated Christmas card. Kids, that just may be the dumbest idea I've ever heard, ever!"
The Boys,Awww.
Mayor,"But at this point I'm willing to try anything. Johnson, cut them a check for three hundred dollars."
The Boys,Alright!
Kyle,You guys go tell Butters to start making the cutoouts. I'm gonna go tell Mr. Hankey the good news!
Mr. Hankey,Now you put that vase down! Put that vase down! That's a very expensive vase!  Don't you throw that vase!
Kyle,"Ah, Mr. Hankey?"
Mr. Hankey,"Oh, Kyle! Hoowwddy ho!"
Kyle,"We got the money, Mr. Hankey. We're gonna make our animated Christmas card."
The Nuggets,Okay!
Autumn,"That's not the only thing we gotta get workin' again,  if you know what I mean..."
Mr. Hankey,"Wha- why do you, why do you have to say things like that in front of people?"
Kyle,"Well, I've gotta go start our animation. We've only got two days."
Mr. Hankey,"Good luck, Kyle. And we'll have that projector workin'! Don't you worry!"
Amber,"What's the matter, Cornwallis?"
Kyle,"Alright, Butters. Let's see what you've got."
Butters,"Huh, well, okay. Now, don't expect too much with the budget you gave me."
Stan,Yeahyeahyeah. just let us see 'em!
Butters,"Well, alright. Here's a little paper construction of Santa Claus.  ""Ho ho ho, uh, there-a kid. Hu-uh, would you like some- t-hoys and stuff"" Hah, and uh, here's a little Jesus.  ""Hi there, Santa. I am the Light and the Way, and stuff.""  ""Uh, ho o-kay. That's good, I suppose."" Huh, and here's the cutout versions of you guys."
The boys,Whoa!
Cartman,"Heheh. Look, he made Stan all fat."
Stan,"That's not me, that's you!"
Cartman,What?!
Kyle,"They kind of look like us.  I mean, Stan's got blue eyes and I've got a sharper nose, but I mean, they kinda look like us."
Cartman,I AM NOT THAT GODDAMNED FAT!
Kyle,"God job, Butters."
Butters,"Woh, ah, hey! I made a little cutout version of me, too! Ih in case you need it for your animated film."
Stan,"No, that's okay."
Kyle,See ya!
Butters,"Uh-m, alright, alright then.  ""Oh, uh, hello, good-lookin'? What's your name?""  ""Huh, Butters, ma'am.""   ""Well, Butters, would you like to slap my- titties around?""  ""Whoa! Well, uhuh""  ""Uh, no thanks, ma'am. Uh I, I'll get in trouble again."""
Mr. Hankey,"Cornwallis, we've got to go fix up the drive-in."
Cornwallis,"I don't want to, Dad. I'm too sad."
Mr. Hankey,"Hey, that's alright, Cornwallis. The boys' animated movie will being back the spirit of Christmas."
Cornwallis,"It's not that, father. Its... Well, I don't feel like I'm really a part of Christmas."
Mr. Hankey,"But son, you're a Hankey. We love Christmas!"
Autumn,"Come on, it's time to sit around the tree!"
Mr. Hankey,"We're having a talk, honey."
Autumn,God-damnit it's Christmas and we're gonna be a happy family around the tree!
Mr. Hankey,"Autumn, you're drunk. Alright, now, just go help the other kids; they can't get their stockings up."
Autumn,That's not the only thing that can't get up around here.
Mr. Hankey,"...Now come on, son. Don't be so down."
Cornwallis,Why? We're just pieces of crap. Christmas isn't for us.
Mr. Hankey,Christmas is about feeling good. That's for everybody!
Cornwallis,"I see the Nativity. There's angels, shepherds and sheep. But no poo. All the Christmas movies: Santa, elves, reindeer. No poo. I'm not a part of it."
Mr. Hankey,"No, you're not a part of it, Cornwallis. You're all of it. Don't you see?"
Cornwallis,I'm nothing but crap!
Mr. Hankey,"But crap is everything. Everything that lives on earth poos in some wayAnd that's how the cycle happens, each and every dayJust look at the green green grass and the birds up in the skyIt's all here because of poo, and now I'll tell you whyGrass it's eaten by cattle, which is eaten by women and menIt fuses with their bodies and becomes poo againAnd that poo goes through the sewer, where it's dumped into the sea.And it's eaten by the plankton, and becomes the fishes' meal.And then that bigger fish with the poo still insideSwims up near the shore and gets eaten aliveBy the grizzly bear that poos on a dead piece of sandSo it can spring to life and become food for the land!It's the poo of the antelope, the poo of the giraffeIt falls onto the earth and becomes the blades of grass''The grass is eaten by the cattle, which comes out the other endTo make food for the humans and start all over againYou see, son? You're not an insignificant part of life. You are life."
Cornwallis,"But how can I be that giraffe and blade of grass, and a human? I don't control what they do."
Mr. Hankey,"Just like your heart beats without you thinking about it, so, too, your giraffes and your humans do what they do without you even thinkin' about it. But it is all one life form. It is all...  you."
Cornwallis,"I think I see now.I'm the poo of the antelope, that flows down to the ground"
Mr. Hankey,Becomes the grass of tomorrow
Cornwallis,Yeah
Mr. Hankey,Which the grazers turn around
Cornwallis,So I'm the leg of a leopard and the wings of a hen
"Mr. Hankey, Cornwallis","Which becomes dinner for the human and turns back to poo again.That's the Circle, the Circle of Poo!"
Stan,"Okay, here's the script. But it doesn't have an ending."
Kyle,"No ending? Well, we can't animate until we have our voices recorded, so we'd better just record what we have and figure out the ending later."
Sound man,"Okay, talk directly in the mike and don't hit any hard p's."
Kyle,What's a hard p?
Cartman,"You know, first thing in the morning when it just won't come out?"
Kyle,"Oh, yeah."
Sound man,"Uumm, okay, sound is speeding, and..."
The boys,We wish you a Merry Christmas
Sound man,Hold on.
Kyle,We wish-
The boys,AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Cartman,...deh..OOOWW!!!
Sound man,"Uh,  mmm. Okay, and?"
Boys,"We wish you a merry Christmas,We wish you a merry Christmas,We wish you a merry Christmas--"
Stan,Hey!  Wait a minute!
Kyle,What?
Stan,"Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?"
Kyle,"Well, yes, I think so."
Stan,"Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas. You're supposed to sing Chanukah songs."
Kyle,"Dreidel dreidel dreidel,I made you out of clay,Dreidel dreidel dreidel--"
Cartman,"Heheheheh, Chanukah sucks."
Kyle,"Don't you oppress me, fat boy."
Cartman,"Don't call me fat, buttfucker."
Kyle,Then don't belittle my people you fuckin' fatass!
Stan,"You guys, knock it off! We have to record this!"
Sound man,"Dude, that was awesome."
Stan,What's awesome?
Sound man,The script. It's sweet.
Stan,That's not in the script  They do this all the time.
Sound man,"Well, it should be in the script. All that ""you're fat"" and ""you're a Jew"" and stuff. It's great."
Kyle,"Check it out, dude. The camera shoots one frame at a time. So, all we gotta do, is put the right mouth on, according to what syllable they're pronouncing at that frame."
Stan,Easy.
Kyle,Yeah. So what's the first syllable?
Stan,"Uhd- W, WW-e wish you a Merry Christmas"
Kyle,"Okay. So we put little ""woo"" mouths on all our heads.  And then we shoot that for one frame."
Stan,Okay.  One.
Kyle,That's one twenty-fourth of a second of our movie already shot!
Stan,Kickass!
Kyle,"Now, the next mouth."
Stan,"Uuhh, E. W-EE wish you a Merry Christmas."
Kyle,"Okay, where are the E-mouths?"
Stan,E mouths...
Kyle,"Okay. ""Woo"" mouths again?"
Stan,1  2.
Kyle,So how much done is that?
Stan,"""We wish you a m- Merry"""
Kyle,"Aw,  Jesus Christ!"
Mayor,"This kids better make a good Christmas movie, Johnson. If people in this town don't start shopping again, we're all gonna be out of jobs next year."
Johnson,This... place is pretty run-down.
Mayor,"It's alright, we've got a clean-up crew coming."
Mr. Hankey,Hoowwddy ho!  Down here!
Johnson,WAAGGH!
Mayor,"Oh. Mr. Hankey, it's you. How wonderful."
Mr. Hankey,My family and I are here to get the drive-in ready for the biig movie.
Autumn,"Hi there, Mr. Important Political Person. *hic*  You wanna bet me I won't take off my clothes and run naked through this parkin' lot?"
Mr. Hankey,"Uh-uh, honey, please don't start!"
Autumn,I didn't start it! He was looking at my breasts!
Mr. Hankey,"They're not real, you know."
Autumn,Don't you say that!
Mr. Hankey,"Oh, big secret! Everyone can tell they're made of silicorn!"
Johnson,"Uhhh, we'll just leave you to your cleanup."
Mr. Hankey,"Okay! Boy, oh boy, this place suuure needs a lot of work."
Cornwallis,"We can fix it up, Dad."
Amber,"Oh, look! A homeless person.  Oh. He looks sad, Papa.  There. That's better."
Mr. Hankey,"Good job, Amber. Now this place is starting to look Christmasy"
Kyle,"Okay. Okay, the shot is finally set up. Now shoot the O mouth for two frames."
Stan,AAAAAAAA!
Kyle,Cartman!
Cartman,"Well, I'm sorry! I have a cold!"
Stan,"That took us half an hour to set up, fatass!"
Cartman,"Alright! You know what? I have been here TOO LONG! I'm sick of making this stupid cartoon, and we're never goin' to finish it anyways!  Screw you guys, I'm goin' home!"
Kyle,Fine! We'll do it with out you!
Stan,"We can't do it without him, Kyle. We've already animated him in it!"
Kyle,We'll dub his voice over.
Stan,"Kyle, it's hopeless. We've only got 20 seconds of animation done, and we still have Jesus' and Santa's voices to record, and we don't even have a third act. Dude, it would take a miracle to finish this thing!"
Kyle,"Now, don't go saying that. There's always hope. Miracles happen most every day.To people like you, and me.But don't expect a miracle.Unless you help make it to be.You hope, and I'll hurry.You pray, and I'll planWe'll do what's necessary, 'causeEven a miracle needs a hand!"
Kyle,You love-
Stan,We love
Kyle,-And I'll labor.
Stan,Tralala
Kyle,You sit-
Stan,We sit.
Kyle,-And I'll stand.
Stan,Tralalalala
Boys,"Get help from our next-door neighbor, 'cause"
"Boys, Hankeys",Even a miracle needs a hand!
Kyle,"You could do Cartman's voice, can't you?"
Stan,"""Awgh! I'm so fat!"""
Kyle,"Nuh, you've gotta sound fatter."
Stan,"""Hey, you guys! Seriouslih! I'm so fat! Help me out over hmyah!"""
Kyle,Cool! Now let's try the script!
Sound Man,Rolling...
Stan,"Stan: I don't know what to do, dude. Who should we help?Cartman: I say we help Santa Claus!"
Kyle,"Oh, you're just saying that because he brings you candy."
Stan,Cartman:' Ey! I don't need to take that kind of shit from a Jew!
Kyle,You wish-
Stan,We wish
Kyle,-And I'll whittle.
Stan,Tralalalala
Kyle,You sit-
Stan,We sit.
Kyle,-And I'll stand.
Stan,Tralalalala
Kyle,"Let's all try to help a little, 'cause"
Boys,Even a miracle-
Stan,...It's okay. We'll just have his character die in the film.
"Stan, Kyle",Even a miracle needs a hand!!
Mayor,"Citizens of South Park, the Colorado Film Commission is pleased to present to you a work by some of our very own South Park children."
Cartman,"Thank you, thank you."
Kyle,"Cartman, what the hell are you doing here?! You quit!"
Cartman,"What are you talkin' about, ""quit""? Huh! I don't remember that."
Mayor,"We know that after you see this darling short film,  you will all feel the mighty glow of the Christmas spirit once again. Boys?"
Kyle,"Okay, Mr. Hankey!"
Mr. Hankey,O-kay!
Kids,"We wish you a merry Christmas,We wish you a merry Christmas,We wish you a merry Christmas--"
Stan,Hey!  Wait a minute!
Kyle,What?
Stan,"Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?"
Kyle,"Yeah, I think so."
Stan,"(voice rising) Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas!"
Kyle,What?
Stan,You're supposed to sing Chanukah songs!
Kyle,Dreidel dreidel dreidel-
Simon,"Eehhhh, pretty!"
Man,"Oh, that's Christmas for ya."
Mayor,"Uhuh, just hang on folks. We seem to be having some technical difficulties."
Man 2,Boring.
Man 3,I've gotta go.
Man 4,Stupid.
Mr. Hankey,It's completely destroyed! There's nothin' I can do!
Kyle,All that hard work.
Mayor,"Well, thanks a lot, kids. Great idea you had there. Now everyone is more disenfranchised with Christmas than ever. We want our three hundred bucks back!"
Kyle,But we spent it!
Mayor,Fine. Then we'll sue you.  Johnson?
Aide,I... used to believe in miracles.
Kyle,All that work!
Stan,For nothing.
Mr. Hankey,"Boys, I uh, I'm s-, I'm sorry."
Kyle,"Sure. Sh-sure, Mr. Hankey."
Cartman,I guess- we might as well- go home now.
Mr. Hankey,It's my fault. All my fault. I got everyone's hopes up.
Cornwallis,"But Dad, we can fix the projector."
Mr. Hankey,"Aw, it's too late for that, son. everyone' gone home. And I don't know nothin' about projectors. I'm just a stupid piece of crap."
Cornwallis,"Dad, you taught me an important lesson: That crap is the cycle of everything."
Mr. Hankey,"Aw, that was just a stupid song, Cornwallis! I was jus' tryin' to get you to stop your bitchin'"
Cornwallis,"No, it wasn't a stupid song. Because you showed me that I have the power and the strength to do anything I want. You made me believe in myself, Dad! Now I'm asking you to do the same."
Mr. Hankey,Son...  You're the smartest piece of crap since Albert Poodinger! Come on!
Sharon,"Isn't this a nice Christmas, Stanley? No commercialism and shopping, just a nice fire and family."
Grandpa,I wanna die.
Kyle,What the--
Kenny,(Nooo!!)
Kyle,They did it! They got it working!
Jesus,"You have blemished the meaning of Christmas for the last time, Kringle!"
Santa,I bring happiness and love to children all over the world.
Jesus,Christmas is for celebrating my birth!
Santa,Christmas is for giving!
Crowd,"Oh, wow!"
Amber,Mom! They got it working!
Autumn,What's that? They got your father's penis workin' again?
Kyle,...We actually spoke—to the Brian Boitano.
Stan,"Yeah. And you know? I think I've learned something today, it doesn't matter if you're Christian or Jewish or Atheist or Hindu.  Christmas still is about one very important thing."
Cartman,"Yeah, ham."
Stan,No not ham!
Cartman,Ey! Why the hell did you have me say that?!
Kyle,"Heheh, we could make you say whatever we wanted."
Stan,...Christmas is about something much more important!
Kyle,What?
Stan,Presents.
Kyle,Ah.
Stan,"Don't you see, Kyle?"
Kyle,Yeah.
Stan,Presents.
Various Folk,...Presents.
Man 5,"My God, they're right!"
Mr. Mackey,"Christmas is about presents. If we all buy presents, everyone benefits. M'kay?"
Randy,That is the spirit of Christmas. Commercialism. Because it's what makes our country work!
Mayor,"They're starting to understand, Johnson."
Ms. Choksondik,"We got so caught up in the little things of Christmas, like love and family that... we almost forgot it's buying things that makes our economy thrive."
Mayor,"Hey, the shops are still open. We still have time to shop."
Kyle,"You did it, Mr. Hankey. You brought back the spirit of Christmas!"
Mr. Hankey,"No, you did it, boys!"
Autumn,"Aw, hell, we all did it!"
Mayor,"Kids, that cartoon was fabulous. How would you like to have your own show and make 100 more of them?"
Stan,Are you kidding? I think we'd rather stab ourselves in the head.
Cartman,Yeah. Let's just go home and open our presents.
Kyle,"Hey man, if you're Jewish you get presents for eight days."
Stan,Wow! Count me in!
Cartman,Yeah! I'll be a Jew too.
Boys,Dreidel dreidel dreidelI made you out of clayDreidel dreidel dreidelWith dreidel I will play!
Character,Line
Kyle,Hey you guys! Look what I have!
Stan,What?
Kyle,Four tickets to The Lion King on stage!
Stan and Kenny,...Oh.
Kyle,"Aww, come on, you guys! It's supposed to be really cool."
Stan,"Yeah - no - I'd, it, it sounds really cool."
Cartman,"You guys!!! Hey you guys!!! Oh my God!! Oh my God, you guys!!"
Kyle,"What, doughboy?"
Cartman,I was just-  I was just watching the TV! They had this commercial.
Stan,So?
Cartman,"So, guess what they're gonna say tonight on that show, Cop Drama."
Kyle,What?
Cartman,"No, come on! Guess! They're gonna say something that's never been said on television."
Kyle,What?!
Cartman,You'll never guess.
Stan,What?!
Cartman,Guess.
Kyle,"Goddamnit, Cartman! What are they gonna say on Cop Drama?"
Cartman,"You ready?  Tonight, on Cop Drama, on TV, they're gonna say,  ""Shit."""
Kyle,"They're gonna say ""shit"" on television?"
Stan,"They can't say ""shit"" on television!"
Cartman,"It was just on the news! People are freaking out, dude."
Stan,Holy fucking shit!
Kenny,(Dude! We've gotta watch!)
Cartman,Yeah. I'm gonna have people over to my house to see it.
Kyle,Bu- but I got these tickets to see Lion King on stage.
Cartman,"Maybe you didn't hear me, Kyle: I said ""shit"" on television!"
Kyle,It's just a marketing ploy by the network. Like that time they had the first male-to-male kiss with Terrance and Phillip?
Stan,"Aw, come, on dude! This is history."
Kyle,It's stupid!
Cartman,"Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kyle. What's the matter? You got some sand in your vagina?"
Kyle,"No, I don't have sand in my vagina! I just think it's a little immature for us to be standing around talking about one dumb word being on TV!"
Randy,"Hey, uh, Sam, did you hear the news?"
Sam,"Yeah, they're gonna say ""shit"" on television."
Colleague 1,"Hey, we should all get together and watch it at the bar."
Colleague 2,Yeaaahhh!
Sam,Yeah.
Randy,Yeah.
Colleague 2,Are you guys gonna let your kids watch?
Randy,"Oh, sure, I mean, you know, Cop Drama is a very artsy, dramatic show."
Sam,"And they're gonna say ""shit""!"
Kyle,"Hey, Butters!  I got tickets to go see Lion King tonight, and I decided to invite  YOU before anybody else."
Butters,"Oh, sorry, I can't.  They're gonna say ""shit"" on Cop Drama, and my mom and dad say I have to watch it with them so that I don't take it the wrong way."
Kyle,How many ways are there to take it?! It's just a stupid word!
Mr. Garrison,"Hey everybody, it's on in thirty minutes!"
Cop,"Listen, Mitchell, I put my life on the line every day. How dare you accuse me!"
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, I bet this is it! Here it comes."
Mitchell,"I'm doing my job, Frank! We have to know where that evidence was shipped!"
Jimbo,"Oh, was that it? Was that it?!"
Randy,"Shipped. He said ""shipped""."
Frank,"I told you, we don't have a record of that. And besides, -"
Cartman,"Goddamn it! When are they gonna say ""shit""?!"
Stan,Sh!
Mitchell,Maybe... maybe protect them from you?
Frank,Maybe you're forgetting who you're talking to!
Mitchell,"And maybe you're forgetting I used to be a cop, too!"
Frank,Yeah? You used to be a lot of things.
Sheila,"Oh, he doesn't know that Mitchell slept with his wife, does he?"
Mitchell,"That's it, I've had enough of this."
Frank,"Don't you turn your back on me, you!"
Mitchell,"I said, enough!"
Frank,Is it?
Frank,Will it... ever be enough?
Announcer,Cop Drama will return after these messages.
Stan,"Jesus Christ! Another commercial? Are they ever gonna say ""shit?"""
Cartman,I'm sure they're just holding it 'til the very last scene.
Stan and Kyle,Uh!
Stan,"Where are you going, Kyle?"
Kyle,I'm going to the kitchen! This is stupid!
Stan,"But you're gonna miss it! They're gonna say ""shit"" and you're gonna miss it!"
Kyle,I don't really give a fuck!
Stan,Oh.
Mitchell,Just understand that it's my job. I still think you're a good cop.
Frank,"Well, Mitchell. I guess you're goin'ta do what you're gonna do. Let's just try and stay friends no matter what."
Mitchell,You're right. Maybe I'll see you around.
Frank,"Goodbye. Oh, and Mitchell?  You've got some shit on the side of your mouth right there."
Mitchell,"Oh, yeah, thanks, thanks."
Bar Patrons,Wow!!!
The Boys,Whoa!!!
Chef and Principle Victoria,Oh!!
Old Folks,Whoa!
Jimbo,They did it!
Stan,I can't believe they actually said it.
Cartman,"Dude! You missed it, Kyle! It was so awesome!"
Kyle,Well! I hope it lived up to all the hype! You must feel so much better now!
Cartman,"Kyle, we've gotta get that sand out of your vagina. It's making you cranky. Does it itch?"
Kyle,"Do you really think anything's gonna be any different now?!  Do you really think that this will have the tiniest, smallest effect on the world?  It's still the same old world out there. Look.  What the hell?"
Cartman,"Whoa, dude, it's raining frogs."
Kyle,"Oh, whatever."
Anchor Tom,"Last night, the daring and bold show, Cop Drama , broke new ground by saying ""Shit!"" on television, making ""shit"" officially okay to say around the country.  A recent poll shows that 24% of Americans think the show has pushed the envelope too far, while a whopping 76% say they don't really give a shit.  In other news, a strange virus which causes victims to vomit up their intestines is making life shitty for a small farming community.  Rick Watts has the story."
Rick Watts,"Thanks, Tom. Shit is certainly going down here in the small town-"
Tom,"Whoa, shit!"
Ms. Choksondik,"Alright, children, in lieu of the common usage, I'm s'posed to clarify the school's position on the word, ""shit""."
Stan,"Wow! We can say ""shit"" in school now?!"
Kyle,This is ridiculous! Just because they say it on TV it's alright.
Ms. Choksondik,"Yes, but only in the figurative noun form or the adjective form"
Cartman,Huh?
Ms. Choksondik,"You can only use it in the non-literal sense. For instance,  ""That's a shitty picture of me."" is now fine. Hoever, the literal noun form of  ""This is a picture of shit."" is still naughty."
Cartman,I don't get it.
Stan,Me neither.
Ms. Choksondik,"The adjective form is now also acceptable. For example:  ""The weather outside is shitty."" However, the literal adjective is not appropriate. For example:  ""My bad diarrhea made the inside of the toilet bowl shitty, and I had to clean it with a rag, which then also became shitty.""  That's right out!"
Timmy,Sss...sss... shit.
Ms. Choksondik,"Very good, Timmy."
Butters,"Uh, Ms. Choksondik, eh, can we say it in the expletive? Like, ""Oh, shit,"" or, ""shit on a shingle""?"
Ms. Choksondik,"Yes, that's now fine."
Cartman,"Wow, this is gonna be great! A whole new word!"
Kyle,"It's not new!! I'm gonna look ""shit"" up in the encyclopedia and prove it!!"
Cartman,"Don't mind Kyle, everyone, he's just got a little sand in his vagina."
Kyle,There's no sand in my vagina!!!
Ms. Choksondik,"Boys, watch your language! Shit!"
Mr. Garrison,"And so, children, instead of saying ""Hand in your papers,"" I may now say, ""Hand in your shit."" Any questions?"
Filmore,"What about, ""I have to take a shit""?"
Mr. Garrison,"No! No, Filmore! You can say ""I have to poop and shit,"" or ""Oh, shit, I have to poop,"" but not ""I have to shit."" Are we all clear?"
Kindergartners,No.
Mr. Garrison,"Look, it's all about context. Well, for example, recently, I have come out and admitted that I was a homosexual. I'm gay. That means that now I can say the word, ""fag"". On television they usually don't allow ""fag"". But because I'm gay, it's alright. And with the new approval of the word, ""shit,"" that means that finally I am free to say,Hey, there, shitty shitty fag fag,Shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do?Hey, there, shitty shitty fag fag,Shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do? Oh this is great!"
Elderly Woman,Why that store has such lovely shit.
Elderly Man,Yeah.  Too bad I don't have shit for cash right now.
Principal Victoria,"Oh, looks like the weather might turn shitty."
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, I don't really give a shit. I've done enough shit outside today and shit."
Man,"Shit, Peter, you look like shit."
Peter,"No, shit, I feel like shit. I think I-"
Woman 1,Holy shit!
Woman 2,Did you see that shit?
Barbardy,What kind of shit is this?
Man 1,That is some weird shit.
Woman 3,"Susan, your shit's ready!"
Man 2,Do you know where this shit goes?
Man 3,Shit if I know.
Woman 4,"Nice going, shit-for-brains."
Man 4,"''Old McDonald took a shit, E I E I O"
Man 5,No shit!
Mr. Garrison,"''Hey, there, shitty shitty fag fag,Shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do?Hey, there,-"
Man 6,"Oh, shit, 'scuse me."
Mr. Garrison,"Hey, watch it, fag."
Man 6,What did you call me?
Mr. Garrison,"I called you a fag. Because I'm gay, and that means I'm free to use the word ""fag"". So piss off, you fag-shitter! Heh, so hey there, shity shitty fag fagShitty shitty fag fag, ba doop a doop doo"
Stan,"This sucks. Now that ""shit""'s out, it isn't fun to say it anymore."
Cartman,"Yeah, they've taken all the fun out of ""shit"". We're gonna have to start saying other bad words, like cock and fuck and... meecrob."
Stan,What's meecrob?
Cartman,"You know, that stuff you get as an appetizer at Thai food restaurants. Meecrob, dude, is way grosser than ""shit"", dude. I'd scarf down a whole wet bucket full of shit before I ate another plate of meecrob."
Kyle,"You guys! You guys! I've looked up the word, ""shit""! I think it might have something to do with people dying!"
Stan,What?
Kyle,"Haven't you noticed everyone getting sick? It all started when they said ""shit"" on television."
Cartman,"Oh, Kyle, you are so full of meecrob."
Kyle,"I am not full of meecro- what? Look, the word ""shit"" first showed up in English in the 1340s, the same time as something called, ""The Black Death""."
Stan,What's that?
Cartman,"Kyle, do you still have sand in your vagina about us not going to The Lion King with you?! I mean, shit, dude, let it go."
Kyle,"Look! It might be a coincidence, but I think we'd better ask someone. Come on!"
HBC President,"...Seventy-five share. My God, I never thought it was possible."
Director 1,"Sir, your ""shit"" idea has turned the entire network around. We're proud to work for you."
Director 2,"Sir, I'd just like to take this opportunity: And, I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say, you are the most creative genius in Hollywood, and... well... I'd let you have me if you wanted."
HBC President,"Thanks, Roger, but I've only just started. You see, I've already figured out our new marketing scheme technique for the next run of shows."
Director 3,Whoa!
Director 4,He's unstoppable!
Director 1,What's the new idea?
Director 3,I can hardly wait.
Director 5,I'm about to piss myself!
HBC President,"This Saturday... on HBC... we're going to say...  ""shit"" ...twice."
Director 3,Twice!
Director 4,Brilliant!
Director 6,Think of the repetition!
Director 3,It's like saying it once... but double!
HBC President,"Well gentlemen, let's get on it!"
All,Ho!
Chef,"Baby you are so fine, and shit!The shit you do, the shit you say; I'd jump on your shit any day! Oh, hello there, children."
The Boys,Hey Chef.
Kyle,"Chef, do you know where ""shit"" comes from?"
Chef,"Uh, from your ass, children."
Kyle,"No no! The word, ""shit""."
Chef,Oh.
Cartman,"Detective Sandy Vagina here  thinks that ""shit"" might have something to do with everyone getting sick."
Kyle,"Ungh, it said in my book that the word, ""shit"", started exactly the same time as something called, ""The Black Death""."
Chef,The Black Death? Are you sure?
Stan,"What's the Black Death, Chef?"
Chef,"LaToya Jackson, children."
The Boys,Oh.
Chef,But I think back in those days it meant something else: the plague!
Chef,"It says here the word, ""shit"" has been around for over 600 years. It comes from the Anglo-Saxon word, ""skite""."
Kyle,"Right. But in the 1340s people in England stopped calling it ""skite"" and started calling it ""shit."" The same year as the Black Plague."
Librarian,"This is the oldest book in the library.  A priceless original of England's history. Just about everything you could want to know about the plague is in this great tome.  Oh, shit. Well, this other book has some good information, too."
Chef,The Black Plague. Over half of Europe was killed by it.
Stan,"Look, they're puking out their intestines, just like the people here."
Chef,"Look at this, children.  It says that the people in England believed that the plague was a curse, a dark magic infliction brought on by a mass utterance of a word of curse."
Stan,Word of curse?
Kyle,A... curse word.
Chef,"Of course! I've never even thought about why we use the term ""curse word"" before."
Stan,Because it brings a curse? Like the Black Death.
Cartman,"You guys, look here.  In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach and gets sand trapped in her shoe. This could explain how Kyle got it in his vagina."
Kyle,"Cartman, this is serious!!!"
Cartman,"So am I, Kyle. If that sand in your vagina doesn't get released, you could become a walking time bomb."
Librarian,"If you don't mind, I'll have to close up now. They're going to say ""shit"" seven times on HBC and I-"
Stan,Holy shit!
Cartman,"Oh-Ho, gross!"
Kyle,"Dude, this plague is spreading like wildfire!"
Stan,Uh oh.
Kenny,(Uh oh.)
Cartman,Kenny's got it. heh heh.
Kyle,"We've gotta do something, Chef. If we don't we don't stop that network,  ""shit"" will become an even more acceptable word!"
Chef,"Children, we've got to warn those producers in Hollywood that the plague, and ""shit"", could be linked!"
Captain,"Hello, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. If you look out the right side of the aircraft you can see some interesting shit.  And over on the left side, there's some interesting shit, too.  Well, we should be arriving in Los Angeles in about two hours. Until then we invite you to sit back, relax, and enjoy our shitty service."
Cartman,"Goddamn it, Kenny! Don't get your plague germs on me!"
Kyle,"Cartman, stop being an asshole!"
Director 5,"Tha ratings are in, sir. We broke another record last night with the show that said ""shit"" seven times!"
Director 1,"Where is the roof on this thing? I mean, I mean, how can we top ourselves now?"
HBC President,"Gentlemen, I have it. The end-all greatest marketing ploy of all time.  Tonight, on HBC, we will air all our sitcoms... LIVE. And have everyone say ""shit"" in place of their written lines. And we'll call it ""Must Shit TV""."
Director 1,Bravo!
Director 2,"""Night Of A Million Shits!"""
HBC President,"Now, doing this live will be difficult, so we must-"
Chef,"Hold on a minute, Mr. Producer!"
HBC President,Who are you?
Chef,"My name is Chef, and these are the children! We've come to warn you about ""shit""."
HBC President,"Oh brother, another Christian protest group."
Director 1,Who wants to take this one?
Director 2,"I'll get it.  Gentlemen, we appreciate your concern.  Here at HBC the general goal is providing the highest and most thought-provoking netertainment. How great it is that we live in a country where an artist can express himself freely. That's not only the American spirit, it's the HBC spirit. Which allows us to make great family programs like Halo The Turtle, and of course, everyone's favorite show, Cop Drama. We can't thank you enough for bringing your concerns to our network, for it is you, the loyal HBC viewer, who makes this great network, and indeed, the great country that it is."
HBC President,"Alright, now, as I was saying-"
Chef,Hey! Hold on a minute!
HBC President,"Aw, are they stil here?"
Chef,Haven't you people noticed all the strange things going on?
Kyle,"We think that you might have could it by helping make ""shit"" an everyday word."
Director 4,"Hm, right, right."
Kyle,"It's true. We think that word might be plaguing our friend, Kenny."
HBC President,Do you have any proof of this?
Kyle,...No.
HBC President,Then  get out of here before we have you thrown out!
Cartman,"But... we can keep the Halo the Turtle dolls, right?"
Chef,Damn cracker-ass producers!
Stan,"Now what are we gonna do, Chef?"
Chef,"I don't know, children. I guess we've got to get the word out to people some other way."
Lead Knight,Aaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.
Stan,Oh shit!
Lead Knight,Stand aside!
HBC President,"Alright, now, we have to get all our biggest names to say ""shit"", and then we're gonna-"
Lead Knight,Halt your evil plans!
Executives,Huh?
Lead Knight,I possess the Rune Stone of Undoing! Who is in charge here?
HBC President,"Oh...  No, you guys didn't hire me a stripper for my birthday- oh, tell me you guys didn't."
Lead Knight,"Show your true form, Geldon, lest you be afraid! Your short time in this world is at an end!  Ach. The Rune Stone has no effect! You are not Geldon!"
HBC President,I never said I was.
Lead Knight,"You will die anyway, for you have spread the word of curse!"
HBC President,Security!
Lead Knight,Ach!  oh.
Chef,Who are you?
Lead Knight,Take this.
Stan,What are we supposed to do with it?
Lead Knight,Eeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Kyle,Now what?
Chef,"We've got to find people who would know what the hell this is all about. Children, we're goin' to have to go to the land of castles, knights, and kings!"
Announcer,"Lords and Ladies, we bid you welcome to the grandest casino in the land, Excalibur!"
Barker,Take a free spin. Double your odds.
Chef,'Scuse me. Do you work here?
Barker,"How can I help you, noble sir?"
Kyle,We need some help identifying an ancient English stone.
Barker,A what?
Stan,It might hold the key to a curse.
Barker,"Uh... I can help get you some credit or a comp meal, perhaps."
Stan,"Dude, we need help from the British!"
Barker,"Look kid, This is just a casino. I can't help you. You know, not every British person knows about wizards  and dragons and curses."
Chef,We just need help identifying this.
Barker,The Rune Stome of Gaelic! Where did you get this?
Stan,You know what it is?
Barker,"The Skire once spoke of such a stone! Come, we must see the sorcerer!"
Announcer,"Get ready for ""Must Shit TV""! Starting now, four straight hours of pure shit! It's all live!"
Drew,"Hey! Heh, shit! Heh.  Ya ain't shit."
Mimi,"Yeah. Dude, ya ain't shit!"
HBC President,This is it. My greatest work.
Waitress,Cocktails. Cocktails.
Barker,These Americans wish to see the Skire!
Waitress,Let us make haste to the inner sanctum!
Barker,How could you foolish Americans bring the wrath of scorn by mass-chanting the word of wretchedness?!
Chef,"Uh, yeah. We didn't mean to."
Barker,"Didn't you realize ""shit"" is a curse word?!"
Stan,"Well, yeah, but I don't think that we knew ""curse word"" meant... curse word."
Barker,"Ha! Leave it to Americans to think that ""no"" means yes, ""pissed"" means angry, and ""curse word"" means something other than a word that's cursed!!"
Sorcerer,Let me see the stone.
Chef,But I don't get it. People use curse words all the time.
Barker,Saying a word of curse once in a while does nothing. It's only when spoken repeatedly and en masse that the curse takes place.
Sorcerer,I've seen this before. Stones that were used by the Knights of Standards and Practices.
Chef,Knights of Standards and Practices?
Sorcerer,A legion of men sworn to do whatever necessary to keep the words at bay. But... they were just a myth.
Mimi,You know what? You're dumb as shit!
Drew,"Oh yeah?! Well, I don't really give a shit!"
Randy,"Ya know, that word's kind of getting old. It's not really... funny anymore."
Man 7,"Yeah, they're gonna have to come up with a new swear word soon."
Mr. Garrison,"Well, they can't use ""fag"". Because you can't say ""fag"" unless you're a homosexual."
Randy,Really? So we can't say ***?
Mr. Garrison,"No. See, you got beeped."
Man 7,You mean you have to be a *** to say ***?
Mr. Garrison,That's right.
Jimbo,"Well, that's not fair! I should be able to say ""fag""."
Randy,"...Hey, you didn't get beeped."
Jimbo,Uh oh.
Mr. Garrison,"Well, well, well! Guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freakin' fag! You wanna make out or something?"
Drew,"Oh, man, I am up shit creek."
Mimi,"Serves you right, shit-for-brains!"
Drew,"Yeah, how could I be such a dumb sh-"
Lead Knight,Say not the word of curse!
HBC President,What the?
Mimi,Holy shit!
Mr. Garrison,"Oh boy, this show is really reaching for plot now!"
Sorcerer,"The knights were formed to keep curse words to a minimum. Should a curse word ever be let out, they would return. A rune for each word of curse was made, representing each of the eight words that so offended God..."
Stan,"Look, there's the F-word."
Kyle,And asshole.
Cartman,I knew it! Meecrob!  Meecrob is a curse word! God must hate it as much as I do!
Sorcerer,"Look at this: The writing here claims this stone can defeat the evil Geldon , who will rise when the word of curse has been said enough times to give him power. Then all the world will be destroyed."
Stan,All the world destroyed?
Cartman,"My house, too?"
Chef,Oh no!
Sorcerer,What?
Chef,"Tonight is the ""Night of a Million Shits"" on HBC! It's gonna be said over and over!"
Sorcerer,Then we haven't much time. We must go!
Blond Knight,Turn off those devices of broadcast!
HBC President,What is going on here?! Stop this shit!
Blond Knight,We are the Royal Order of Standards and Practices!
Bald Knight,We command you to stop saying the curse word!
HBC President,"Listen, Mr. Shinypants, I am the head of this network, and I will say ""shit"" all I want! Shit, shit, shit shit shit, shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit, , shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit! Oh, shit!"
Announcer,"And now, back to Must Shit TV, here on HBC."
Lead Knight,He is too strong! We cannot fight him without the rune stone!
Director 1,"My, my GOD, sir! What have you unleashed upon the world?!"
HBC President,I didn't know.  I didn't know!!!
Randy,"I, I can't follow this shitty storyline at all."
Kyle,Wait!
Cartman,"Oh boy, that thing has really got sand in it's vagina!"
Lead Knight,The rune stone! Point it towards Geldon!
Geldon,"Agh. Dude, lame. Lame!  Bummer, dudes."
Cartman,What a stupid voice.
Kyle,It's okay. The curse has been lifted.
Stan,Yeah. We all gotta make sure it doesn't come back.
Kyle,"You see, we've learned something today. Swearing can be fun, but doing it all the time causes a lot of problems."
Kyle,We're all saying the S-word too much!
Ike,Kyle.
Sheila,"Look, Gerald. Kyle's on television!"
Gerald,Uh huh.
Kyle,"The knights of Standards and Practices were created to make sure that bad words were kept to a minimum. ""Curse words"" They're called that because they are a curse. We have to go back to only using curse words in rare, extreme circumstances."
Stan,"And besides, too much use of a dirty word takes away from its... impact. We believe in free speech and all that, but... keeping a few words taboo just adds to the fun of English."
Cartman,"So please, everyone, From now on you've got to try and watch your language."
The men,Yeah.
Randy,That makes sense.
Colleague 1,Ain't that right?
Mr. Garrison,Is this still part of the show?
HBC President,"We're sorry, noble knights of Standards and Practices.  From now on, we will obey your laws."
Blond Knight,See that you do!
Chef,"I'm very proud of you, children. Let's all go home and find a nice white woman to make love to."
Stan,Yeah! And Kenny didn't die!
Kenny,"(Yeah, I didn't-"
Stan,Holy shi-  poop.
Cartman,"Hah, I love you guys."
Randy,"Well, you boys must be pretty excited: Your first night of Scouts."
Stan,"It's gonna suck. There's gonna be like, new kids there we don't know."
Kenny,(Yeah.)
Stuart,"Well, now, that's part of the fun."
Randy,Yeah. Both Kenny's dad and I were in Scouts for years.
Stan,"Was your dad in Scouts, Cartman? Oh yeah, you don't have a dad."
Cartman,That's not funny! Jesus Christ!
Stan,"Are you excited for your first night of Scouts, Timmy??"
Timmy,Hyeah Timmay!
Cartman,"Yeah, he's excited."
Butters,"Hey, fellas!"
Cartman,"Hey, Butters."
Butters,"Boy, am I glad to see you guys! There's lots of kids here from other schools, and I don't know anybody."
Randy,"Alright, boys, we're gonna head to the bar. We'll be back to pick you up at nine."
Stuart,You boys just make sure to obey the scout leader now. He's the man in charge.
Big Gay Al,Hello scouts!
Stan,"Hey, it's Big Gay Al!"
Big Gay Al,"Hello, Stanley. I was happy to see you and your little friends' names on the list!"
Timmy,Timmay!
Randy,You're the new scout leader?
Big Gay Al,"I just got transferred in.  I think everyone's here now, so we can get started.  Come on, Scouts. We've got work to do!"
Boys,Hooray!
Stan,"See ya, Dad!"
Big Gay Al,"Hey, are you parents gonna stand there all night? This meeting is for scouts only, you silly gooses.  Now, before we get started, scouts, I want to introduce you to someone very special here tonight. He's a brave little boy with disabilities who proves just by being here that Scouts are for everyone!"
Timmy,Timmay!
Big Gay Al,So let's all give a big round of applause to little... Jimmy!
Jimmy,Well hello everyone.
Timmy,Ji- Jimmay?
Stuart,"Look! I'm not saying the new scout leader's a bad person, I just don't think he should be a scout leader!"
Randy,He got to where he is by being a good scout; maybe we should just leave him alone.
Stephen,Well how gay is he?
Stuart,"He's really, really gay."
Token's father,"Well then, I don't want my boy there, either."
Randy,So he's a homosexual. So what?
Stuart,"I have nothing against homosexuals either, Randy, but the big camping trip is next week! Are you sayin' you're fine with this guy campin' overnight, alone, with our boys??"
Skeeter,"You know, boys emulate authority figures. Even if it doesn't turn them gay, they could end up all talk and all fem' and prancin' around like girls."
Randy,"Aw, that's ridiculous."
Priest Maxi,"People, people, please! You're forgetting that homosexuality is a choice! As many of you know, I, myself, went through a... homosexual... phase. But the light of Christ showed me how to change. Just give me two hours with this man, and I can convert him back."
Man,"That's what you said about Peterson, and then you ended up having sex with him!"
Man 2,That's right.
Man 3,You did.
Big Gay Al,"And so that's how to make banana-nut muffins. And now, as a very special treat, our very special friend Jimmy is going to do what he loves most: Motivational standup comedy.  Let's give him a big hand."
Jimmy,"Wow, what a great audience.  Well, just in case you were wondering, I do have a disability. I am totally happy with the way I was born, very much. I travel to different states and talk to kids about being proud of what they are. My mom says that God has a p-plan for everyone. I guess I was plan B.  You guys like im- personations?"
Timmy,Timmy.
Jimmy,"How about Jimmy Stewart? ""Merry Christmas, movie house."" And John Travolta. ""Oh my God, Mr. Kotter! Mr. Kotter, oh, oh my God, Mr. Kotter!"""
Stan,"Jimmy's funny, dude."
Butters,"Yeah, well, he's the coolest kid with disabilities in the world!"
Timmy,Hmph!
Stuart,"Uh, Kenny, it's nine o'clock."
Randy,"Come on, Stanley."
Big Gay Al,"Oops, guess we're out of time, kids. Now remember, tomorrow you all have bake sales in your respective neighborhoods to raise money. We'll meet back here next Tuesday, and see who raised the most. Good luck."
Stan,"Hey, I have a great idea! Why don't we see if Jimmy wants to come be in our Scout club?"
Cartman,"Hey, yeah!"
Timmy,Timmuh Timmy Timmy Timmy.
Stan,"Hey Jimmy, do you wanna join our bake sale in South Park tomorrow?"
Jimmy,"Gee, sure, that'd be great! Thanks, fellas."
Randy,"Come on, Stan."
Stan,"Bye, Big Gay Al. We had a great time."
Kenny,"(Yeah, see ya.)"
"Stan, Cartman","Bye, Jimmy."
Jimmy,"See ya tomorrow at the bake sale, fellas."
Stan,"You were right, Dad. Scouts is awesome!"
Kenny,(Yeah!)
Stan,"We told ghost stories, a-and learned how to make a tornado in a glass bottle!"
Cartman,"Yeah, we learned how to make cakes and muffins for our bake sale."
Stan,"And best of all, we met this kid named Jimmy. He's disabled, but he doesn't let it ruin his life! He's awesome!"
Timmy,Yahahah!!!
Cartman,"Yeah, we're gonna use him to help raise money in our bake sale."
Stan,"Cartman, don't say ""use him"", you big silly goose."
Timmy,Ah.
Randy,What did you say?!
Stan,"I just... called Cartman a name- he's a, he's a silly goose."
Stuart,Uh huh!
Randy,"You do not say ""Big silly goose""! You call him an asshole like a normal kid!"
Stan,"Dad, I was just tryin' tuh-"
Randy,"Stanley, you call your friend an asshole this instant!"
Stan,...Asshole.
Randy,That's better.
Cartman,"Don't call me an asshole, you som' bitch."
Stan,"Uh, hello? We are having a bake sale to raise money for scout troop number six nine. Uh, please stop by and give us a hand. And now, for your entertainment, our new best friend, stand-up comic Jimmy!"
Jimmy,"Wow, what a great audience. I just flew into South Park. Boy, are my crutches tired!  What a terrific audience. You know, sometimes people ask me, ""Are you angry at God for making disabled people?"" I say, ""No, I think the world is better with puh-President Bush."""
Sharon,What a brave little boy.
Sheila,He's able to use comedy to overcome his handicap! I love him!
Jimmy,"Well, I sure have met a lot of interesting people here in South Park.  H-how about that Eric Cartman kid, huh? ""Goddamnit! God-. No, Kitty, that's my pot pie! Goddamnit! Eh, Goddamnit!"""
Cartman,"Hehe, I don't sound like that."
Jimmy,"And how about that school counselor? ""Uh, dr-, drugs are b-bad.""  ""Uh. Drugs are bad, okay? Uh, drugs are, drugs are bad, okay? Okay?""  Wow, what a great audience. ""Mr. Hat. Be quiet, Mr. Hat. Mr.-""  ""Hello there, children. Mr. Hat. Hello- Mr. Hat""  ""I'm making Salisbury steak for lunch.""  ""Salisbury steak for lunch."" Eh. Uh. ""Goddamnit, Goddamnit!""  And of course, my very favorite, ""Timmy! Huh. Timmy! Uh liv-, I'm living a lie! I'm living a lie, Timmy!""  ""Ti- Timmy, I'm living a lie. Heh, heh. Ah Timmy."" Heh. Sometimes it's like, ""Please, Timmy, learn a new word,"" heh. ""Timmy! Tu-Timmy!"""
Timmy,Aaaaaaah!
Jimmy,"Wow, looks like when it comes to comedy, I really t-take the c-keh-c. I really take the cay. I really take the k-keh cake."
Man,Jim-my! Jim-my! Jim-my! Jim-my
Timmy,Tiiimm-mmah!!!!!
Head Scoutmaster,"Well, this is it. We've simply gotten too many complaints from concerned parents about him. I'm afraid we don't have a choice."
Big Gay Al,Hi ya fellas!
Head Scoutmaster,"How are you today, Scout?"
Big Gay Al,"I'm super, thanks for asking. The troops are off having bake sales, and I'm pleased to report that we have already raised over $600 for the event. Yippie!"
Head Scoutmaster,"Uh, Big Gay Al, it's recently come to our attention that you are... gay."
Big Gay Al,"Well, stop the presses. Did you figure that out all by yourselves, silly buns?"
Scoutmaster 1,"Yes, well, unfortunately for you, the Scouts have a policy that openly gay men cannot belong."
Head Scoutmaster,"We are left with no options, Mr. Al. I'm afraid you are hereby... out of Scouts."
Big Gay Al,Out of... Scouts?
Head Scoutmaster,"We're sorry, Mr. Gay Al."
Big Gay Al,But I've been in Scouts since I was nine - it's a... huge part of my life.
Scoutmaster 2,"Uh, you must understand that Scouts is a private club. A club that follows certain beliefs, and one of those beliefs is that homosexuality is immoral."
Big Gay Al,I see...
Head Scoutmaster,It's nothing against you personally
Big Gay Al,What if I promise not to be gay anymore?  Pinky swear.
Scoutmaster 2,We think it's best you just... move on.
Big Gay Al,Right. Move on.
Jimmy,"Oh, hey Timmy. I'm glad you called, very much. I've been detecting some a-animosity towards me lately, and I was hoping we could bury the hatchet."
Timmy,Timmih.
Jimmy,What's that?
Timmy,"Hur livin' a lah, Timmih."
Jimmy,A present? You got me a p-present?
Timmy,Timmih!
Jimmy,"... Gee, you didn't have to do that. I mean, I understand why you've been jealous of my talent.  If you work at it, maybe you could be as... handi-capable as I am, huh?  Wow, a parka.  You-you didn't have to do that, Tim-Tim."
Timmy,Tim-Timmy.
Jimmy,"Oh, sure. I'll see if it fits.  This is very warm. Thanks a lot, Tim-Tim. Well, I'll see you around."
Timmy,Timmih!
Jimbo,"There he is! Kill him! Kill him!  Oh, wait, that's not him."
Jimmy,"Thanks again, Tim-Tim."
Timmy,Tim-Timmay!
Big Gay Al,"Ah, bye, Scouts.  Okay, okay, Marc, stop playing now."
Marc,"Hey, don't yell at me! Ya asked me to come over and play sad songs for you to pack to, and then ya yell at me."
Big Gay Al,"I'm sorry. Sorry. But now I've packed everything away, so just... well, play something uplifting, like... ""I'm gonna put all this behind me and make it okay"" music."
Marc,"Ooooh, I don't want her. You can have her. She's too fat for me."
Big Gay Al,"Oh!  Jesus, Marc."
Head Scoutmaster,"Parents, this is the new Scout leader, Mr. Grazier. He will be taking over for the homosexual."
Randy,Nice to meet you.
Mr. Grazier,"Marsh, right? We actually kind of know each other. Your wife and mine are friends."
Stuart,"Your wife, huh?"
Head Scoutmaster,Carol is the head of a girls' Mountain Scouts troop.
Randy,"Well, I guess we're off to the bar until nine, then."
Mr. Grazier,"Gonna go pound some brews, huh?"
Jimmy,"And so I said to him, ""Hey, I- I may be handicapped, bu-but I'm not... deaf.""  Wow, what a terrific audience. Well, for my next joke I'm gonna need a vo-volunteer from the audience, very much. How about you, Timmy?"
Timmy,Timmay.
Jimmy,"Sure, come on up here, Tim-Tim.  Timmy, ladies and gentlemen. Let's give him a hand, very much. Come to think of it, give him a pair of legs, too.  Here, Timmy, put on this silly hat.  Just for a second, Timmy.  Don't be a jerk, Timmy.  Hey, don't push me!"
Timmy,Timmih!
Cartman,Cripple fight!
Mr. Grazier,"That is enough, Scouts! Take your seats!"
Cartman,Awww!
Mr. Grazier,"Alright, Scouts, I am your new Scout Master, Mr. Grazier!  Together we are going to become the best! The sleekest! The most polished Scout troop in all of Colorado! Isn't that right!  When I ask you a question you will answer ""Yes, Scoutmaster!"" Do I make myself clear?!"
Scouts,"Yes, Scoutmaster!"
Mr. Grazier,"Good! Now, the first activity for this evening will be...  naked pictures  I'm going to take some pictures of each of you naked, in case we need them, for later."
Scouts,Awww.
Mr. Grazier,"Aw, what is this?! If there's one thing I hate, it's a whining platoon! ""We don't wanna do pushups! We don't wanna get up early! We don't wanna have you take naked pictures of us!"""
Cartman,"Man, this guy sucks."
Mr. Grazier,"Now, fall in and strip down, Scouts!"
Mr. Grazier,"Alright, Scouts, we're gonna end this meeting with a little puppet show.  Here's a little Scout. He's always prepared. He's always ready. Now, here's a little Scout telling his parents that Mr. Grazier took naked pictures of him. Look what happens.  Oh! No! Aw! Aw! Aw!  Do I make myself clear, Scouts?!"
Scouts,"Yes, Scoutmaster!"
Mr. Grazier,"Oh, hello parents. Alright, that's all the time we have for tonight, Scouts. We sure had a great time, didn't we?"
Scouts,Yes sir Scoutmaster!
Randy,"Wow, you sure whipped those kids into shape."
Stuart,Yeah. Now they're acting like men.
Mr. Grazier,"Well, you know what I say about kids: They're all pink on the inside."
Randy,You bet.
Stuart,I heard that.
Randy,"See ya, Mr. Grazier."
Big Gay Al,Go away! I'm dead!
Butters,"Oh, well, here he is."
Stan,"Big Gay Al, what are you doing?!"
Cartman,Yeah! Get your big gay ass off the couch and come be our scoutmaster again!
Big Gay Al,"I can't, kids. I've been... kicked out of Scouts."
Stan,Kicked out? Oh no!
Cartman,But you have to come back. We hate our new scout leader.
Big Gay Al,Really? wull-why?
Butters,We can't tell you.
Big Gay Al,Why not?
Butters,"Oh, no. No. Oh, no. No! Oh no no!"
Stan,"Please, Big Gay Al. We don't wanna go on a camp trip with this guy next week."
Big Gay Al,"Boys, there's nothing I can do. The Scouts don't allow homosexuals."
Jimmy,"Well then that settles it! Fellas, what we're gonna hafta do is try to ch... change the Scouts' rules, very much."
Stan,What do we want?
Boys,Gays in Scouts!
Stan,When do we want it?
Timmy,Timmih!
Stan,What do we want?
Boys,Gays in Scouts!
Stan,When do we want it?
Timmy,Timmih!
Stan,What do we want?
Randy,"Oh, no."
Boys,Gays in Scouts!
Stan,When do we want it?
Timmy,Timmih!
Stan,What do we want?
Boys,Gays in Scouts!
Stan,When do we want it?
Timmy,Timmih!
Stan,"Alright, this looks like the perfect place to get some signatures."
Little Girl,Puppies. Puppies for sale.
Cartman,"Beat it, toots! We've got discrimination work to do!"
Stan,"Alright, let's set up.  Ah hi, we're here to collect signature in support to force the Scouts to accept gays?  Uh, hello, gays in Scouts?  Goddamnit!"
Butters,"Hey! Why don't we have Jimmy do some stand-up comedy? Like at our bake sale, very much?"
Stan,"That's a great idea!  Attention, ladies and gentlemen! Now, for your entertainment, stand-up comic, Jimmy!"
Jimmy,"Wow, what a great audience. For my first joke, I'm going to need a... volunteer. Come on up here, Tim-Tim.  Timmy, when I tell you to do something, you do it!"
Timmy,Timmih!
Jimmy,"Timmy, don't make me k... kick you ass!"
Timmy,Timmay!
Jimmy,Put on the hat!
Timmy,Timmay!
Jimmy,Pu-put it on!!
Stan,"Dude, this looks like it could get ugly."
Timmy,Timmih. Timmih.
Jimmy,Not this year.
Timmy,"Timmih, Timmh."
Cartman,Cripple fight!
Timmy,Haaa.
Jimmy,Come on. Come on!
Timmy,Timmih.
Cartman,Cripple fight!
Cartman,"Attention, shoppers. Outside, we have... cripple fight. Cripple fight outside!"
Jimmy,Come on!
Jimmy,Uh.
Stan,"Jesus Christ, dude!"
Susan,Oh my God!
Man 5,"Just let 'em have it out, Susan. They'll run out of steam soon."
Timmy,Hahnah Timmih.
Jimmy,Huah!
Timmy,Hahnah Timmih.
Jimmy,Come on!
Timmy,Timmih!
Jimmy,No!  Ow!
Jimmy,Timmy? Timmy? I told you to put on the HAT!!  You dirty motherfucker!
Man 5,What's goin' on?
Man 6,Some kind of gay pride rally.
Timmy,Lah-livin' a lie!
Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing out in front of Henry's Supermarket where five brave little boys are holding a rally to support gays in scouting. The rally is drawing so much attention that people from all over the country are taking media notice."
Farmer,Those boys have shown me the light. I never knew the Mountain Scouts was a hate group.
Joe,This is a wake up call to America. We cannot turn our backs on gays anymore!
Randy,"Oh, God, they're actually pulling it off."
Reporter,"The rally has also caught the attention of old Scouts members, like Steven Spielberg, director of such films as Always and 1941."
Steven Spielberg,I salute those boys and their courage. I am hereby cutting all my funding to the Scouts!
Reporter,"The rally has also caught the attention of high-powered lawyer, Gloria Allred."
Gloria Allred,"It is a disgrace that these homophobes are allowed to discriminate.  I am taking this case on, personally!"
Reporter,"With this kind of support, Tom, these boys are sure to have a victory for gays. Back to you."
Tom,"Thanks, Chris. In other news, the FBI has finally caught the child molester known as Mr. Slippyfist.  This sick child molester was found with disturbing graphic photos of young boys naked, which we will show you now."
Tom,Here's one. And here's another.
Stuart,Kenny?
Randy,Oh my God.
Tom,"Here, look at this one. Sick sonofabitch! Here's one right here."
Man 6,"Alright, boys, break it up."
Bailiff,All rise.
Chief Justice,"In the case of Big Gay Al versus Mountain Scouts of America: due to the overwhelming show of support, it is the ruling of this court that the Scouts must allow Big Gay Al and all gays into their club!"
Crowd,Alright! Yeah! Woohoo!
Randy,"Well, we'va all learned an important lesson. That just because somebody's gay doesn't mean they're gonna molest children. Straight people do that too."
Crowd,Yeah!
Chief Justice,"And furthermore, the Scout elders will be put into stocks for three days, so they can see how it feels to be outcast!"
Crowd,"Hooray, yeah, yeah!"
Stan,We did it! We did it!
Gloria Allred,I did it! I did it! Haha!
Gloria Allred,"Today is a great day for democracy. The Scouts have been exposed for the vile gay bashers they are.  And we all it all to me, and these six brave little boys  five... brave little boys. And now, here to take his official oath back in Scouts is Big Gay Al."
Big Gay Al,Thank you all very much. But I don't want this.
Crowd members,What's he saying?
Stan,Huh?
Big Gay Al,"Look, I appreciate what you kids did; I really do. But this isn't what I wanted. I'm proud to be gay. And I'm proud to be in a country where I'm free to express myself. But freedom is a two-way street. If I'm free to express myself, then the Scouts have to be free to express themselves, too. I know these men. They are good men. They are kind men. They do what they think is best for kids. No matter how wrong we think they might be, it isn't right for us to force them to think our way. It's up to us to persuade, and help them see the light, not extort them to. Please, don't cut the Scouts' funding. The Scouts help and have always helped a lot of kids. That's why I love them. I will continue to persuade them to change their mind, but this is the wrong way to do it. So, I am hereby dropping my case, and allowing the Scouts their right to not allow gays into their private club."
Man,"Uh, Hooray!"
Another Man,"Hooray, hey!"
Stan,"So wait, did we do good?"
Butters,"Uh yeah, ah I think so."
Cartman,"Eh, we kick ass."
Big Gay Al,"Come on kids, let's go get some ice cream!"
Gloria Allred,You can't do this! You homophobe!
Jimmy,"Well, Timmy, I guess we learned an important lesson, too, very much. There is room for more than one handi-capable person in Scouts."
Timmy,Timmih.
Jimmy,I'm glad we're best friends now. See ya at Scouts.
Timmy,Tim-mih.
Timmy,"Timmih Timmih Timmih Timmih, Timmih Timmih Timmih.  Timmih Timmih Timmih Timmih, Timmih Timmih Timmih.  Aaaaah."
Stan,"Timmy, come on! We're gonna be late for Scouts!"
Head Scoutmaster,"Alright, boys, I am your new Scout leader. Everything is going to be just fine. No naked pictures."
Timmy,"Uh, Timmih."
Head Scoutmaster,"Yes, Timmy?  Oh dear. Jimmy?"
Jimmy,Yes?
Head Scoutmaster,You know our policy: I'm afraid you're... out of Scouts.
Jimmy,Out of Scouts?
Timmy,Tim-mih.
Jimmy,What?  Hey wait a minute! This is crazy! You can't do this!
Stan,"Wow, I never knew Jimmy was gay."
Butters,Me neither.
Jimmy,No! No!
Timmy,Timmay!
Magician,"Okay, Carol, put the card you picked back into the deck so I can't see ittwah."
Stan,What's going on?
Butters,"Uh this feller David Blaine. He's doin' magic tricks. Hey, where'd you get that ice cream?"
Blaine,"Okay, now hold this card up to the crowd.  Was that the card you picked?"
Carol,"No, I'm sorry. I picked the four of hearts."
Blaine,Four of hearts? Really? Look again.
Carol,Daa-ah!
Crowd,Oooohhhh!
Woman,Whoa
Kyle,"That's pretty cool, dude!"
Cartman,Who's this asshole?
Kyle,"He's a magician named David Blaine, dude. He kicks ass."
Cartman,"Hey, where'd you guys get that ice cream?"
Blaine,"Sir, c- could you come over here?  Now, what I want you to do, Mr..."
Jimbo,Kern.
Blaine,"Mr. Kern, I want you to just... think about a card. Pick any card, and picture it in your mind."
Jimbo,O-kay.
Blaine,"Okay, jus... s think about your card.  okay, look at me.  Look at me... Look at me... okay, now reach up your ass."
Jimbo,Huh??
Blaine,"Go on, reach up your ass."
Jimbo,"Uh, I don't feel nothin'."
Blaine,Deeper.
Jimbo,Hhud. I don't feel... hello... wait... wait...
Blaine,Was that the card you picked?
Jimbo,Yes! Oh my God!
Man,O-hoho!
Kyle,"Wow, that's cool!"
Stan,How'd he do that??
Blaine,"Thank you. I've been traveling from town to town for quite a while. I've started quite a following, mostly because of my levitation tricktwah. Watch.  Watch."
Crowd,Whoa!!!
Stan,No way!
Kyle,Damn. That guy is the coolest guy in the universe!
Blaintologist,"Pamphlet. Pamphlet. Here you go, kids,  take a pamphlet."
Kyle,"""David Blaine Workshop. Learn all about David Blaine at the Center for Magic."" Dude, we gotta go."
Cartman,"Yeah, and they probably teach you how to do magic tricks!"
Speaker,"Hello, everyone. My name is Steven and I've been a Blaintologist for about three years. So, when David Blaine performed his miracles out on the street, what moved you the most?"
Stan,His a-miracles?
Steven,"Oh yes, you see, David Blaine is much more than a magician. He's a scholar, a visionary, a leader."
Cartman,When are we gonna learn magic tricks?
Stan,Yeah!
Steven,"Oh, I've got a trick for you to learn: I can show you how to make your true self appear. Let me ask you all something: Do you consider yourselves to be happy?"
Butters,I don't think I'm very happy. I always fall asleep to the sounds of my own screams.
Steven,"...Right, yeh. Eh, see, the reason that you are unha-"
Butters,And then I always get woken up in the morning by the sounds of my own screams. Do you think I'm unhappy?
Steven,"Wait, the.. the point is... that you can be happy. You see, your friends and parents have programmed you in a way that makes you feel isolated and alone. How many times have you felt like nobody knows the real... you?  You're not really happy."
Kyle,I'm not really happy.
Steven,Your potential hasn't even been reached.
Kyle,My potential hasn't even been reached.
Steven,"If you look through David Blaine's incredible book, you'll find a lot of life's answers. Let's read some of the book together, shall we?"
Cartman,Then we get to be in David Blaine's secret club?
Steven,That's right.
Cartman,Cool.
Sheila,"Ike, eat your gefilte fish."
Ike,No-oo.
Kyle,Mom. Mom. I found out all about this great new magician named David Blaine.
Sheila,"That's nice, Kyle. Ike, eat!"
Kyle,"We spent all afternoon learning about how we aren't actually happy. I had no idea how unhappy I was until today. They gave me this cool book to read, and I'm already on chapter four...."
Sheila,"Well, it's nice to see you so interested in something, Kyle. Ike, for the love of Abraham, you are gonna eat this."
Kyle,"So can I go to the Magic Camp, to learn how to become a full member? All the other guys are doin' it, and it's only $69.95."
Sheila,"Magic Camp? I don't know, bubbe, ask your father.  Ike, you will eat this!"
Barber,Prepare to be cleansed and release the magic inside you.
Butters,"I am prepared.  Hoh, jeez, eh it sure got cold in here."
Barber,Next?
Steven,"Congratulations, young Blaintologists. From this day, you are clean.  Now, we have very important work to do! David Blaine is going to put on a big magic show in Denver tomorrow night, where he's going to eat his own head."
Recruits,Wow!
Steven,So it's up to all you new Blaintologists to get as many people there as you can. Whoever gets the most people to come gets a prize!
Stan,"Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea."
Butters,"Ha-I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle."
Stan,"No, I'm Stan."
Kyle,You're Stan? Where's Kenny?
Stan,Who are you?
Kyle,I'm Kyle.
Cartman,"Heheh, guess who I am, guys?"
Stan,"Kyle, I think we may have gotten into something bad here."
Kyle,What do you mean? We're learning all kinds of cool stuff.
Stan,"Look at us, dude. These people are trying to change us somehow. I think it's time we went home."
Kyle,But David Blaine is gonna do more miracles in Denver tomorrow..
Stan,I don't care! I'm leaving!  'Scuse me.
Aide,Where are you going?
Stan,I'm going home.
Aide,You don't want to go home.
Stan,You said we're free to leave whenever we want
Aide,You are.
Stan,Move out of the way.
Aide,I'm not in the way. You are. Are you unhappy with the Church's teachings? Let's just talk about it
Stan,"I don't wanna talk about it, I jus' wanna leave."
Aide,"Why don't we go into the back room for a second, and talk? Then you can leave."
Stan,"That's okay, I... I changed my mind. I'm... gonna stay."
Aide,That's great news.
Stan,"Okay, it's all clear."
Kyle,What are we doing?
Stan,We're getting out of here. This whole thing has gotten way out of hand.
Kyle,"Whoa whoa, I'm not going anywhere."
Stan,"Come on, Kyle, this is stupid!"
Kyle,"It's not stupid, Stan. For once in my life I feel like I'm part of something."
Stan,A part of what?! Some gaywad magician's crazy life plan?!
Kyle,Don't call Mr. Blaine a gaywad! He's a brilliant man.
Stan,"No, they've just convinced you that he's a brilliant man! Let's go!"
Kyle,I'm not going anywhere!
Stan,"Goddamnit, I'm not going with you! I wanna stay here!"
Kyle,Huh? I thought you wanted to leave.
Stan,"Oh wait, who am I again?"
Kyle,You're Stan.
Stan,"Oh- oh yeah. God- Goddamnnit, hold on a second.  Okay. Now look, dude, I'm getting out of here, and you're a dumbass if you don't come with me!"
Kyle,Then I guess... I'm a dumbass.
Stan,"Kyle, please. You-  You're my best friend."
Kyle,"Well, this is what I believe in now, Stan. And if you can't respect that,... then I guess we're not best friends anymore."
Kyle,"Hello, ma'am. My name is Kyle. And this is Cartman. We'd like to share our interest in David Blaine with you."
Elderly Woman,"Uh oh. My husband warned me about you Blainiacs. I'm sorry, but I'm a Catholic."
Cartman,"Uh it... doesn't matter, ma'am. Blaintology is for everyone. There are Blaintologists who are Catholics, Buddhists - why even Kyle here is a Goddamn Jew."
Kyle,That's right.
Elderly Woman,So you're not a cult?
Cartman,"Of course, no. David Blaine is a real person. You may have seen his television specials on ABC. He also wrote a book, and we'd like to share it with you."
Elderly Woman,"Well, alright, come on in."
Cartman,Cool.
Kyle,"...And if you look here, you can see how David Blaine performed the miracle of being frozen in ice at Times Square."
Cartman,"Ma'am, have you ever wondered what David Blaine's plan is for you?"
Elderly Woman,"No, not really."
Cartman,"Oh, you see, that, that's interesting because... I'm so thankful for David Blaine's book, and, I'm so thankful that he showed me the way to true happiness but, I think about his plan often."
Kyle,David Blaine is doing a big performance in Denver tomorrow night.  We're sure his magic will entertain and astound you!
Cartman,He's going to eat his own head.
Kyle,How many tickets can we put you down for?
Elderly Woman,"Oh, I can't go."
Cartman,"Oh, come on, it'll make you a happy person."
Elderly Woman,I am happy.
Cartman,No you're not.
Elderly Woman,Yes I am.
Cartman,No you're not.
Elderly Woman,I really am.
Cartman,No you're not.
Elderly Woman,But I am.
Cartman,No you're not.
Elderly Woman,"Alright, two tickets"
Kyle,Great!
Kyle,That's 15 people we got to agree to come see David Blaine perform in Denver.
Cartman,"Yes, Brother Kyle hmm, but our work is not over. We must still recruit ten more audience members in order to get the prize."
Kyle,"I think if we try Kenny's neighborhood, we might find a-"
Cartman,"Come, Brother Kyle, we have no time for him."
Stan,HaaAAAA!
Driver,"You'd better watch yourself next time, abandoner!"
Stan,"Hi, Jesus. It's me,"
"Stan, Jesus",Stan Marsh.
Jesus,"Of course. I know you, my child. Come in."
Stan,This guy is going around doing magic tricks and saying they're miracles! My friend Kyle thinks he's totally awesome!
Jesus,"You're good to bring this to my attention, Stan. Cults are a very dangerous thing."
Stan,"I read in the Bible that you did miracles, too. If you could go in front of these people and do your miracles, then, they'll all see that David Blaine isn't so special."
Jesus,The miracle I'm most famous for is turning water into wine.
Stan,Can you do it again?
Jesus,"Very well. I shall perform the miracle. Behold. Here you can see ordinary water, clear, clean. Okay now, turn around.  Er, nuh, tur- turn around.  Uh, okay now, turn back.  It is now wine!"
Stan,That's it? That's how you did that trick?
Jesus,"Wuh well, yeah."
Stan,"That trick sucks, Jesus."
Jesus,"Oh. Well, I guess it worked a little better on people 2000 years ago."
Stan,"Dude, we have to do something. This guy is performing more miracles in Denver tonight. He's gonna get more followers, and it'll be impossible for me to get Kyle out."
Jesus,Then let's go.
Stan,"But dude, I'd I don't think you should do that lame water-to-wine trick."
Jesus,"Oh,don't worry  I have a few more miracles up my sleeve."
Kyle,This is a really good turnout.
Announcer,"And now, ladies and gentlemen, David Blaine."
Blaine,"Hello, my children."
Announcer,"Ladies and gentlemen, may we have silence, please, as magician David Blaine will now eat... his... own... head."
Kyle,"Dude, no way!"
Blaine,"Thank you, everyone.  Our organization grows larger every day. Soon, the government will even have to give us tax-exempt status as a bona fide religion."
Jesus,Hold!
Man,It's Jesus!
Cartman,What's he doin' here?
Jesus,"My children, it is time for you to go home and stop following this false prophet. You should be using your money and time for other things. These are simple magic tricks. His magic is interesting, but will it put food on your table? Feeding the hungry - now that is a miracle!  Behold! I have here fives loaves of bread and three fish. Certainly not enough to feed this entire crowd, but now - turn around  Ya need tuh- turn around.  Okay, now turn back."
Cartman,Now how the hell did he do that?
Crowd,Wow!
Blaine,"Your magic is old and outdated, Jesus! Twah. Just like you are."
Jesus,"Oh, really. Then what's this  Ace of Spades doing behind your ear?"
Crowd,Whoa.
Jesus,Jesus Christ!
Elderly Woman,He's incredible!
Blaine,"The old religions have failed you! Twah. What have they offered except for war, poverty, and sadness? Blaintology offers you the key to living your life to the fullest! Will you join us?"
Crowd,Yes!!
Jesus,"His magic is too powerful, Stanley. I've never seen anything like it."
Stan,Then what are we going to do.
Jesus,"I cannot face him alone. We must get the help of all the super best friends.  Buddha. Buddha, come in!"
Stan,Super best friends?
Buddha,"This is Buddha, Jesus. Go ahead."
Jesus,"Buddha, we may have a problem. I've just encountered a magic I've never seen before."
Buddha,I'll call everyone together. Come as fast as you can.
Jesus,"Come, Stanley. We must travel far and long."
Stan,To where?
Jesus,"Distances unfathomable to man. Yea, take hold of my robe, Stanley, and do not open your eyes."
Stan,I am ready.
Jesus,Are you still keeping your eyes closed?
Stan,Yeah.
Jesus,Good. Want some peanuts?
Kyle,"Congratulations, sister. You have heard the noble truth and are now a Blaintologist."
Steven,"Everyone! Everyone, gather 'round! I have great news for all Blaintologists, and for our new members as well. We've just gotten word from Mr. Blaine himself: The government has denied our church's request for tax-exempt status!"
Member,But... we want tax-exempt status.
Kyle,Yeah. Why is that good news?
Steven,Be-cause! Mr. Blaine has arranged for all Blaintologists members from every city and state to march into Washington and demand our right for tax-exempt status by committing a mass suicide!
Kyle,Mass suicide?
Steven,"Mr. Blaine has said that by killing ourselves in Washington, we are guaranteed everlasting happiness in the afterlife!"
Member,"Hehehe, that sounds good."
Steven,Get your things ready. We leave for Washington at dawn!
Cartman,"Did you hear that, guys? We're finally gonna die!"
Jesus,"Alright, Stanley. You can open your eyes now.  This is the hall of the super best friends, Stanley, the headquarters for those who stand for what's right."
Mohammad,"Jesus, we've been working hard since we got your distress call!"
Loa Tse,Who the kid?
Jesus,"Stanley, I want you to meet some of the super best friends : Buddha, with the powers of invisibility; Mohammad, the Muslim prophet with the powers of flame ; Krishna, the Hindu deity; Joseph Smith, the Mormon prophet; Lao Tse, the found of Taoism ; and Seaman, with the ability to breathe underwater and link mentally with fish."
Stan,"So you mean to tell me that even though people fight and argue over different religions, you guys are all actually friends?"
Mohammad,"More than friends, young boy, we are super best friends, with the desire to fight for justice."
Joseph Smith,"We all believe in the power of good over evil. Except for Buddha, of course, who doesn't believe in evil."
Stan,Wow.
Mohammad,"Jesus, come look at this.  After your distress call, we entered David Blaine in the super best friends' computer."
Seaman,"Many interesting things showed up. He was raised in New York city by a decent family, but a freak washing-machine accident at the age of 12 made him learn the ways of the black arts."
Buddha,"That's right, Seamen."
Seaman,Sea Man!
Buddha,Uh that's what I said. Seamen.
Seaman,Stop it!
Kyle,"Cartman! Cartman, wake up! Cartman!"
Cartman,"No, Paula Poundstone! Leave me alone! Eyuh! Uh?"
Kyle,It's just me.
Cartman,Brother Kyle? Why do you disturb my rest?
Kyle,Dude. I don't think I wanna be a part of this anymore.
Cartman,What?
Kyle,"I think Stan might've been right. Anyway, I think it's going too far. I mean, if I kill myself, it's gonna make my family really sad."
Cartman,"Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't wanna die either.  I haven't even gotten my pubes yet."
Kyle,"I think we should bail. If we leave the group, maybe other people will get the courage to leave, too."
Cartman,"That co- ugh.  That could be difficult, Brother Kyle. But alright, listen: Why don't we sleep on it? If we decide to leave the faction, we can... do it in the morning."
Kyle,"Okay. Okay, you're right.  Oh uh Cartman: thanks.  Cartman?  What the hell?"
Cartman,I told on yoo-ou. I told on yoo-ou.
Kyle,"What have you done, Cartman?!"
Cartman,"This is for your own good, Brother Kyle."
Blaine,"You must understand, brother Kyle, twah, you know too much about the Church. If you left now, you'd become a danger to our cause."
Cartman,"Ah, and you know what else Kyle said? Um Kyyyle, he said that if we were all gonna commit suicide, that he wouldn't do iiit."
Kyle,"Cartman, you fatass tattle-tale!"
Cartman,At least I'm not the boy in the plastic bubble!
Blaine,"The suicide pact will go as planned. If we die, we all die together."
Narrator,"Meanwhile, at the Hall of Super Best Friends..."
Joseph Smith,"Look at that, Jesus. His followers are growing at a rate even faster than mine! It appears this David Blaine is as dangerous as you and your young friend had feared."
Stan,I knew it.
Jesus,Here. I have a videotape of his performance the other night.
Joseph Smith,Perhaps we should have Moses look at the tape and see what he comes up with.
Mohammad,"Moses, scan this tape. Can you tell us the source of Blaine's power?"
Moses,Give me the information.
Stan,"Wow, the Moses."
Moses,His magic is a combination of centrifugal line and sleight of hand. Wait a minute: I'm picking up movement from Blaintologists from all over the country.
Lao Tse,The Blaintologists are heading to Washington. But why?
Jesus,Wait a minute. At his performance David Blaine said something about trying to get tax-exempt status.
Joseph Smith,Omigod!
Lao Tse,What?
Joseph Smith,"If he gets tax-exempt status, then he'll become a real religion."
Krishna,He would become unstoppable
Narrator,"Meanwhile, in the nation's capital, Blaintologists from all over the country have gathered to commit mass suicide!"
Blaine,"If the government will not give us tax-exempt status, then we must prove that we are willing to die for our beliefs, twah."
Steven,"Alright, brothers and sisters, gather around.  It's time to drown ourselves in the Reflecting Pool!  However, the-ah Reflecting Pool is a little more shallow than we originally thought, so to drown ourselves, you will need to lie on your stomach, face down, until you die, as such."
Man,Next!
Narrator,"Meanwhile, at the White House..."
Karl Rove,"Mr. President, we can't let them all kill themselves!"
George Bush,"Well we can't give them tax-exempt status either, Karl!"
Larry,He-e-ey George! What's gon' on?
Cartman,"Alright, Brother Kyle, it is time for us to die!"
Kyle,"Cartman! We've been brainwashed, don't you see? We don't have to do this!"
Cartman,But it's the only way for us to be happy.
Kyle,"Cartman, no!"
Blaine,Give us what we want or we will continue to die
Jesus,"Not so fast, David Blaine!"
Blaine,Jesus! Not again.
Jesus,"Yes! But this time, I've brought some help! Super Best Friends!"
Buddha,Buddha!
Mohammad,Mohammad!
Joseph Smith,Joseph Smith!
Krishna,Krishna!
Lao Tse,Lao Tse!
Seaman,Sea-Man!
Jesus,"The mass suicide is over, Blaine! And so are you!"
Blaine,I don't think so. Get them!
Joseph Smith,My ice breath should take care of you.
Stan,Kyle! Kyle!
Blaintologist,Sweet Salvation!
Stan,"Kyle??  Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!"
Kyle,You bastards!
Stan,"Kyle?  Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!"
Kyle,You bastards!
Stan,"Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!"
Jesus,That takes care of them.
Joseph Smith,"Now it's your turn, Blaine!"
Blaine,Perhaps you need to see some real magic.
Lincoln,Raaargh!
Buddha,Oh this looks like trouble.
Blaine,"So long, Super Best Fools!"
Stan,Kyle!
Kyle,Stan!
Stan,"Kyle, you can't kill yourself!"
Kyle,I don't want to kill myself. They rigged this thing to fill with water!
Jesus,We've gotta stop that oversized Abraham Lincoln! Mohammad!  Great Scott!
Cartman,"Bliegh!  Yugh. Uh, okay, try again. Hep ."
Mohammad,"It is too powerful, Jesus!"
Krishna,It seems to have no weakness!
Jesus,There has to be a way to destroy it.  Jesus to Moses!
Narrator,"Meanwhile, at the Super Best Friends League..."
Jesus,"Come in, Moses!"
Moses,What?
Jesus,We need to know how to kill a giant stone Abraham Lincoln.
Moses,"...Um... Let me think, um... a giant stone John Wilkes Booth?"
Jesus,"You heard him, Super Best Friends! We've got to make a giant stone John Wilkes Booth!"
Mohammad,"Krishna, we're going to need wood for a mold!"
Krishna,Form of... a beaver!
Mohammad,"I will find sources to concrete.  You, get the water to mix it with, Seaman."
Narrator,"Using the wood that Krishna cut down as a beaver, Jesus uses his master carpentry skills to make a giant mold."
Jesus,That should do the trick. Now for some concrete.
Narrator,"Meanwhile, in the ocean depths, Seaman seeks out water to mix with the concrete."
Seaman,"Sea-Man!  Look, Swallow, we should be able to divert the water with that pipe."
Narrator,"And so, Seaman and Swallow get to... get to work"
Stan,"Kyle, you have to hold your breath!  Oh, very funny!"
Jesus,"Lao Tse, bring it to life."
Narrator,"Using his power of Taoism, Lao Tse becomes one with the giant stone John Wilkes Booth."
Kyle,Wagh.
Jesus,It worked. Now freeze over the pool so no one else can drown themselves!
Cartman,"Hey, I was just about to do it."
Narrator,"Later, at exactly the same location..."
Blaine,"Damn you, Super Best Friends!"
Jesus,"Your magic is no match for our powers combined, Blaine!"
Blaine,"Then I guess you win this time, Super Best Fools! But I'll be back!"
Jesus,Goddamnit!
Buddha,It's alright. Everything is as it should be.
Jesus,"Oh, shut up, Buddha!"
Steven,"Our leader, he... he's leaving us!"
Blaintologist,"Don't leave us, David Blaine!"
Stan,"Listen up, everyone!  You don't need David Blaine to tell you how to live. See, cults are dangerous because they promise you hope, happiness and, maybe even an afterlife. But in return, they demand you pay money. Any religion that requires you to pay money in order to move up and... learn its tenets is wrong. See, all religions have something valuable to teach, but, just like the Super Best Friends learned, it requires a little bit of them all."
Blaintologist,He's right. He... he's right!
Kyle,Thanks for saving us Stan. You're my Super Best Friend.
Stan,"Your my Super Best Friend too, Kyle."
Cartman,"Oh, that's so sweet you guys.  You wanna go get a room so you can make out for a while? Heheheheheh"
Kyle,"Haha, hehahaha."
Cartman,"Ah!  Ow, stop it!  Ah!"
Jesus,"Well, it looks like everything worked out."
Narrator,"And so, Jesus and his companions leave Washington. But their return is assured, for there will always be a need for... the Super Best Friends!"
Cartman,"Doodoo doot doo, dadadadada daa, ya da dadaaDoodoo doot doo, dadada daa,heydy heydy heydy,how's it goin', guys?"
Kyle,"What the hell are you so happy about, fatass?!"
Cartman,"Oh, nothing. No big deal, really."
Stan,What's no big deal?
Cartman,"Well, guys, it seems that I am the first one of us to reach manhood after all."
Kyle,...What the hell are you talking about?!
Cartman,"Well, because, unlike you guys, I just got my first pubes! Ayada da daa, yadadadadee!"
Kenny,(You got pubes??)
Kyle,"What's ""pubes""?"
Stan,Pubic hair. He's saying he got his first pubic hair.
Kyle,Oh.  No you didn't!
Cartman,Oh yes I did! I'm becoming a man!
Stan,He's lying.
Cartman,You wanna see 'em?
Kyle,Hell no!
Cartman,"Here, check 'em out."
Stan,"We don't wanna see them, Cartman!"
Cartman,"There, see?! How do you like them apples!  HA!"
Kyle,Uh what are those?
Cartman,My pubes.
Stan,What??
Cartman,I got 'em from Scott Tenorman.
Kyle,Scott Tenorman? The ninth grader?
Cartman,Yup. He let me have 'em for just ten bucks. Ha ha ha! I got pubes 'fore you guys did! I got pubes 'fore youuu guys! Ahahahahahahaa ha!
Stan,"Cartman, you are so goddamned stupid, it's unbelievable."
Cartman,"Don't be jealous, guys.  This doesn't mean we can't still hang out.  It just means that I matured faster than you.  You'll get your pubes guys, someday."
Kyle,"Cartman, you don't buy pubes, you grow them yourself!"
Cartman,Uh oo what?
Stan,"When you get old enough, you grow your own pubic hair that's attached to you, you fuckin' dumbass!"
Cartman,Nuh uh!
Kyle,Yuh huh!
Cartman,But then why would Scott Tenorman sell me his pubes for ten dollars?
Kyle,"Because, retard, you're dumb enough to buy Scott Tenorman's pubes for ten dollars!"
Cartman,You're telling me these pubes are worth nothing.
Kyle,Yeah.
Cartman,Huh I'm gonna get that son-of-a-bitch.
Scott,"And so I told him, I said ""Here. I'll sell you my pubes for only ten bucks."" And this stupid asshole buys them!"
Another boy,Oh man!
Scott,Speak of the devil! What do you want?
Cartman,"Uh, yes, I've come to return these pubes that I purchased, please?"
Scott,"Uh uh, I don't take returns!"
Cartman,"Right, but you see, I didn't realize, when I bought these pubes from you, that you were full of shit! So you can either give me back my ten dollars, or I can go tell my mom on you!"
Scott,"You would actually tell your mom that you were stupid enough to pay for my pubes? Huh uh, I don't think so!"
Cartman,Just give me back my money...
Scott,"Buyer beware, dude!"
Cartman,"Gimme my ten dollars, Scott!"
Scott,"Hehey, I said no! Now get your fat little butt out of here before I kick your head in!"
Cartman,"Hello, sir, my name is KrisKristofferson. I'm with the IRS. I'm here to collect ten dollars that you own in back taxes."
Scott,You're not from the IRS! You glued my pubes onto your face!
Cartman,"Tax evasion is a very serious offense, sir! I suggest that you..."
Scott,Alright alright. I'll trade you my pubes back for the money.
Cartman,"You will? Oh, cool!"
Scott,"How much did I charge? Uh, oh yeah. Ten dollars. You got change for a twenty?"
Cartman,"Oh. Uh, lessee.  I only got six dollars and twelve cents."
Scott,Oh. well... that's okay. Here. Just... give me the six dollars.  And then I'll... give you the twenty.
Cartman,...Okay.
Scott,"Now, give me the pubes, and I'll give you back two dollars."
Cartman,Right.
Scott,"Now, give me the twelve cents, and I'll give you the rest of your change back."
Cartman,Cool.
Scott,"And then give me the twenty, and I'll give you the pubes."
Cartman,"Sweet!  Uh. Oh, goddamnit!"
Cartman,"That asshole! That big, smelly, ass-sniffin' asshole! I'm gonna get him!"
Kyle,"Cartman, can I give you some advice?"
Cartman,What?!
Kyle,"Just let it go, dude. You only had sixteen dollars and twelve cents. Count all your losses and move on. He's smarter than you."
Cartman,"He is not smarter than me! He just charmed me, that's all! He's a charmer, that Scott Tenorman!! But I'll get him someday!!"
Kyle,One please.
Stan,One please.
Kenny,(One please.)
Cartman,One please.
Clerk,That'll be six dollars.
Cartman,"O-kay, and how much is that in pubes?"
Clerk,We don't take pubes!
Cartman,"Listen, my money is as good as anybody's! Don't you, uh, discriminate against my people by not accepting these pubes."
Clerk,We don't take pubes!! End of story!!
Cartman,Racist!
Cartman,"Scott, Scott! Courtney Love is in South Park! She's all drunk and spreading her legs and showing her poonanner to everybody! You gotta go check it out! I'll watch your house for ya!"
Scott,"Okay, I'll buy the pubes back! Here!"
Cartman,What?
Scott,Sixteen dollars! Take it! I-I'll even throw in an extra five! Here! Give me back my pubes!
Cartman,Wha-? Uh oo  why do you want then back so much?
Scott,No reason.
Cartman,I don't believe you.
Scott,Alright alright! The pube fair in Fort Collins.
Cartman,Pube fair?
Scott,"They're paying five bucks a hair for pubes! If I leave now, I can catch the last bus!"
Cartman,Five bucks a hair? The- that's like a million dollars!
Scott,"Hehere, take your money!"
Cartman,"Hoho, I don't think so, Scott! I'm going to Fort Collins myself!"
Scott,"Oh, you can't do this to me! Nooo!"
Cartman,"Haha, charade you are, Scott!"
Scott,Have you no heart??
Cartman,"Ahaaa, what a stupid asshole! Hahahahaha!"
Cartman,Hohoho! I won a million dollars!! Whew! Ow!
Cartman,"Hahaaha! Ha. Ha. Heh. Huh, excuse me, sir."
Man,Yes?
Cartman,Can you tell me where the pube fair is?
Man,The pube fair?
Cartman,"Yeah, I have some pubes to sell."
Man,"There's no such thing, you little smartass!"
Cartman,No- no such thing?
Teen boy,"Hey, you wouldn't happen to be Eric Karp-man, would you?"
Cartman,I'm Eric Cartman!
Teen boy,"Well, I think this is for you."
Cartman,Aaah!!!
Cartman,"A hundred and six miles, Scott. I had to ride a hundred and six miles in the back of a pickup truck... to get back here"
Scott,You really went? What a 'tard.
Cartman,"Alright, Scott, you win. I give up."
Scott,"You do? Wow, you're not as stupid as I thought."
Cartman,"Yeah, I'll see you around.  Sure is too bad about my grandma, though..."
Scott,Your grandma?
Cartman,"Huh? Oh, it's... it's not really your concern, since uh-... well, my grandma's in the hospital. She's very sick. The doctors say unless I can come up with sixteen dollars for her operation, they're gonna put her down."
Scott,"Oh.  Jeez, I-... I didn't realize that."
Cartman,Yeah. Poor grandma...
Scott,"Hey, kid... Hold on a second ah, ah, I'll get your money."
Cartman,"Heheheheheh. He's such a douche, heheheheheh."
Scott,Here you go.
Cartman,"Oh, wow, thanks a lot, Scott!"
Scott,But... just one thing before I give it to you:
Cartman,What?
Scott,I just... well... I want you to beg for it.
Cartman,Huh?
Scott,Just... get down on your knees and- beg me for the money.
Cartman,Why??
Scott,Do you want your grandma to live or not?!
Cartman,Please Scott give me my money.
Scott,"Nono, get down on your knees.  Lower your head , and say ""I beg you to give me back my money."""
Cartman,I beg you to give me back my money.
Scott,"Now say, ""I'm a little piggy."""
Cartman,What?!
Scott,Say it!
Cartman,I'm a little piggy.
Scott,"""Here's my snout."""
Cartman,Here's my snout.
Scott,"""Oink oink oink."""
Cartman,Oink oink oink.
Scott,"Now dance, little piggy! Dance and oink for me!"
Cartman,"I'm a little piggy; here's my snout.Oink oink oink, oink oink oink.I'm a little piggy; here's- Aalrightalrightalright, now give me back my money!"
Scott,"You mean this?  You really care that much about sixteen measly dollars? I mean, what can you buy with sixteen dollars?! My parents give me a fifty dollar-a-week allowance. This pittance means nothing to me. Watch."
Cartman,What- What are you doing??  No!.. wuh...why?
Scott,Now you can't bug me for your dumb money!
Cartman,Yaaaarrgh! ...You'll diiiiiiiiiie! ...Damn youuuuuuuuuu!
Cartman,"Concerned citizens, I thank you for coming.  I know that you are all deeply troubled and want to find a quick and painful way to get rid of Scott Tenorman once and for all!  Yes, Clyde!"
Clyde,Who's Scott Tenorman?
Kids,Yeah.
Kyle,"Scott Tenorman is an eighth grader who sold Cartman his pubes for ten dollars, and now Cartman's all pissed off."
Cartman,"Sixteen dollars and twelve cents! He is a disease. He is a cold calculating mind, and I will have revenge!"
Butters,Wuh what are you gonna do?
Cartman,"Did you guys see that movie ""Hannibal""? Where the deformed guy trained giant pigs to eat his enemy alive?? Well, if we find a pony , we can train it. Train it... to bite off Scott Tenorman's wiener.  It will be painful and humiliating! Everyone will see it happen! And then, Scott Tenorman will forever be known as the kid who had his wiener bitten off by a pony!!! WAHAHAHAHAA!!!"
Kyle,What's in it for us?
Cartman,What?
Stan,"Yeah, why should we all care about getting Scott Tenorman back for you?"
Cartman,"Oh, right. Why should we care?  Yes, why should we care? Indeed, eh. Let's just let Scott Tenorman walk away with my sixteen dollars and twelve cents. Hell, let's let all the Scott Tenormans of the world take what's ours and laugh in our faces. Why stand up for yourselves when you can just walk out of here right now and say, ""It's not your problem."" But... years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day? This one day, when you could have made a difference! Where you could have told Scott Tenorman, ""You may take our pride, but you'll never take my Goddamned sixteen dollars and twelve cents!!""  Now who's with me?!!"
Timmy,Timmay!
Cartman,"Christ. Alright, I guess it's just you and me, Timmy!"
Timmy,"Euuh, livin' a lie, Timmih."
Cartman,"There we go.  Come and get it.  ...Come on, pony, bite the wiener. Bite it.  Come on, good pony. That's it!  Now, bite it off! Bite off the wiener! Good pony!  Oh no, pony, he'll like that."
Jimbo,Eric! Are you training that pony to please you?!
Cartman,"No, I'm trying to teach it how to bite someone's penis off."
Jimbo,"Oh. Well, does Mr. Denkins know you're usin' his pony? He shoots trespassers on sight, you know."
Cartman,He said it was okay.
Jimbo,"Alright, then.  Wait, why the hell are you trainin' Denkins' pony to bite off someone's penis?"
Cartman,Because  of Scott Tenorman! I hate him! And I want to make him suffer!
Jimbo,"Well, son, I think you have a pretty stupid plan there."
Cartman,"Not like that, pony!"
Jimbo,"Look, if you wanna get revenge on somebody, you've gotta think like a hunter."
Cartman,Whattayou mean?
Jimbo,Step 1: Find someone's weakness. Step 2: Exploit that weakness.
Cartman,How do I do that?
Jimbo,What do you see?
Cartman,I see Scott Tenorman. With his ginger red hair and his stupid freckles and his- Goddmnit goddamnit I hate him!!!
Jimbo,"No, young hunter. I mean, what do you see? You must learn all you can about your kill."
Cartman,"Right, right. Let's see... There's posters. Radiohead posters! And he's reading a magazine about Radiohead!"
Jimbo,Oo what's a Radiohead?
Cartman,"You know, that band that sings that song: Well, I'm a creep. I'm a winner..."
Ned,Mmuh what am I doing here?
Jimbo,"Oh, Jesus, don't start singing, Ned!"
Cartman,"So, the subject is a big Radiohead fan, huh? Maybe I should come up with a  li'l ol' scheme  that involves them."
Jimbo,"Nice thinking, young hunter."
Cartman,Whoa!
Jimbo,What?
Cartman,I'm looking in Scott's parents' room. Scott's mom's about to take off her bra.
Jimbo,"What?! Give me those!  Holy crow, he's right, Ned! Mrs. Tenorman's lettin' the twins out!"
Ned,Mn let me see.
Cartman,"Radiohead. Yes, of course."
Jimbo,"Dear God, they're bigger than I ever imagined!"
Ned,Let me see. Let me see.
Jimbo,"Here you go.  Wow, those are great. Maybe I should go grab some beers, Ned. Ned, what- a-are you jackin' it?"
Ned,Kinda.
Jimbo,"Well, stop it!"
Mr. Tenorman,"Hey, what the hell are you doing out there?!"
Jimbo,Oh crap!
Mr. Tenorman,Who's out there?
Jimbo,"Ned, for Christ's sake, stop jackin'!"
Ned,I can't.
Mr. Tenorman,Don't think I don't see you! I know who you are and I'm calling the police!
A man,"Whoa, I gotta get out of here!"
Cartman,"Oh, hey, Scott. How's it goin'? I was just wondering, do you like the band, uh, Radiohead at all?"
Scott,Uh huh.
Cartman,"Oh, really? Oh, 'cause, they're doin' a big interview on MTV, and they're playing it tonight on a big screen downtown.  Everyone's gonna be there!"
Scott,"Oh, cool. Um, thanks for tellin' me."
Cartman,"You're welcome, Scott."
Cartman,"Okay. Well, it looks like everyone is here. Let's play the video, shall we?"
Kurt Loder,"Welcome back to MTV. We're here with the members from Radiohead, probably the hottest band in the world right now.  Guys, when is the next album coming out?"
Cartman,"That's an interesting question, Kurt. But first I'd just like to say that I really hate this kid named Scott Tenorman. He's stupid.  Yeah, I hate Scott Tenorman too.  I think all the guys in the band hate him, right guys?"
Cartman,"Oh, Jesus, did you hear that, Scott?"
Kurt Loder,And will there be a new tour?
Cartman,"Well, we would tour, but we just hate that Scott Tenorman kid so much that we don't want to.  Yeah. Scott Tenorman is totally not cool! He's not cool!"
Cartman,"Wow, that really sucks for you, Scott.  Scott? Ha haha ha ha ha! Did you see that? Scott mast have ran home so embarrassed! Ha ha ha ha. And you know what? That wasn't really Radiohead talking! I just dubbed their voices over! HAHAHAHA!  What a retard!  And now everyone saw it!"
Scott,"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's time for the amazing Pube Boy!"
Cartman,"'""I'm a little piggy; here's my snout. Oink oink oink, oink oink oink.""'"
Stan,"Oh my God, he killed Kenny."
Cartman,That does it! I'm gonna get Scott Tenorman once and for all!!!
Cartman,"Hueah. You think you're so cool, Scott Tenorman? We'll see how cool you feel after this-uh! Yes. Yes! Yes!!  Then... that...  Hahaha, hahahaha! Yes! It is the most genius plan ever!! Scott Tenorman is going to wish he never met meee!!!"
Kyle,"Okay, Cartman, what do you want?"
Cartman,"Stan, Kyle, thanks for coming. I have it all figured out!"
Stan,Got what all figured out?
Cartman,How to get Scott Tenorman back!
Kyle,"Oh, Jesus!"
Cartman,"I just finished planning a brilliant  li'l scheme  that should put Scott in his place for good! And if you help me, I'll give each of you... two... dollars."
Kyle,"Okay, so what's the plan?"
Cartman,"It's the brilliant combination of my last two plans. Scott Tenorman's favorite band is Radiohead, right?"
Stan,Yeah.
Cartman,"So, I realized, 'What if we got Radiohead to come here to South Park?' right? Then they could meet Scott Tenorman — and — see him get his wiener bitten off by a pony!"
Kyle,...What?
Cartman,"Don't you see? If I can get this pony to bite off Scott's wiener in front of Radiohead, then Scott would cry. And if Scott cries, then Radiohead will say Scott Tenorman is totally not cool! And that would make Scott Tenorman wanna die!!  Okay, I'll keep working on the pony, you guys go get Radiohead to play here! Ready? Break!!"
Kyle,"You're such a dumbass, Cartman."
Cartman,"...Fine, I'll do it myself!! You guys just watch!!  Ready, pony?  Bite it!  Yes!!"
Johnny,"Thom, will you stop reading fan mail? We have work to do."
Thom,"Just a second, fellas. Listen to this:Dear Radiohead, My name is Eric Cartman. I'm a young, supple eight-year-old boy from South Park, Colorado. I am writing to you because of a kid I know named Scott Tenorman. Scott is fifteen, and I'm afraid he has cancer. In his ass. Radiohead is his favorite band, and it would make his short life if you could find it in your hearts to visit him before he dies alone and scared. Won't you please consider it? I don't think he'll make it past... next Tuesday around 5."
Phil,"Wow, we have to go."
Ed,To Colorado? But we have an album to mix.
Thom,Didn't you hear the letter?? This poor kid has cancer! In his ass!
Scott,Hello?
Kyle,Scott Tenorman?
Scott,What do you want?!
Kyle,"We just wanna warn you: Eric Cartman, the fourth grader, is goin' tuh try and trick you somehow into getting your wiener bitten off by a pony who lives at Denkins' ranch."
Scott,How do you know?
Kyle,"'Cause, we're his friends."
Scott,Thennn why are you telling me?
Kyle,'Cause we hate him.
Scott,Oh.
Kyle,"Well, we just thought we'd let you know. See ya."
Scott,See ya.
Cartman,"Hello, Scott!"
Scott,Hey.
Cartman,"I was just stopping by to invite you to my Chili Con Carnival. It's a chili cook-off with rides.  Everyone's coming, and I wanted to drop by your invitation personally!"
Scott,"Ooo, a chili carnival, huh? That sounds great."
Cartman,"Yeah! There is even gonna be a big surprise, so you won't wanna miss it, Scott.Oh, and here! Here's a coupon good for one free pony ride!"
Scott,"Wow, a pony ride. Neat."
Cartman,"Oh, it will be very neat, Scott."
Scott,"Gosh. Chili, rides, and ponies? What more could I want?"
Cartman,"A little penis-biting, perhaps?"
Scott,What?
Cartman,"Uhnothing, nuhothing! So you'll come for sure then, Scott?"
Scott,How can I turn it down?
Cartman,"Sweeet. Killer. Bye, Scott.  Ohoho, you are good, Eric. You are very, very good."
Scott,"Mom, Dad, that was my good friend Eric at the door? He told me that there's a starving pony at Denkins' ranch that's been abandoned."
Mrs. Tenorman,Oh dear.
Scott,"Yeah, I feel really bad. But I don't know how I can help it, because I have a lot of homework to do."
Mr. Tenorman,"Well, don't you worry, Scott. Your mom and I can go get the pony and have it taken to an animal shelter."
Mrs. Tenorman,We sure can.
Scott,"Wow, would you really? I feel so much better now."
Mrs. Tenorman,"Oh, Scott, you're such a loving, caring boy. I'm so proud of you."
Scott,"I'm proud of you, too, Mom."
Mrs. Tenorman,"Let's go, hon."
Mr. Tenorman,Let's.
Buddy 1,"What are you doing, Scott?"
Scott,What's it look like? I'm making chili. Did you bring the goods?
Buddy 2,We got everyone we could find to chip in.  There are pubes from just about every single kid in town.
Scott,Awesome!
Buddy 1,"Oh, dude!"
Scott,The little fat kid thinks he's gonna get revenge tomorrow. We'll see how he likes it when I tell him he just ate the pubes of every kid in town!
Buddy 2,Yeah!
Cartman,"Oh, hello, guys! Thanks for coming to my Chili Con Carnival!"
Stan,"This is the dumbest thing you've ever done, Cartman."
Cartman,"Ohoho, it won't be so dumb when Scott Tenorman arrives. I suggest you stay to see the fireworks!"
Kyle,"Oho, we will. Trust us. We won't miss this."
Cartman,What's so funny?
Stan,"Oh nothing, it's just cool how you're gonna get Scott Tenorman back. Is Radiohead here yet?"
Cartman,"Not yet, but they will be."
Kyle,"Yeah, sure."
Chef,"Hello, Eric!"
Cartman,"Hey, Chef."
Chef,I made some chili to enter into the contest.
Cartman,What contest?
Chef,"This is a chili cook-off, ain't it?"
Cartman,"Huh? Oh. Yeah, I guess it is. Uh, here, Chef, just put it over here."
Chef,It's my special recipe.
Cartman,"Scott Tenorman!!! How are you, Scott? Thanks so much for coming!"
Scott,"Oh, I wouldn't miss this for anything."
Cartman,"Likewise. Well, come on, you've got to see the pony!"
Scott,Just a second: don't you- wanna taste my chili first?
Cartman,"Well, e-yeah, but, there's a special guest coming, and I want you to be near the pony when they arrive."
Scott,Well I don't want it to get cold. I think I can win first prize.
Cartman,"Alright, Scott, uh. Let's go over to the judging table and we'll try the chili first.  Goddamnit!"
Scott,"Alright, I guess we should taste each other's chili, huh?"
Cartman,"Huh, this chili looks pretty good. Weh, here's mine."
Scott,"Mmm. Ah, I don't know. Your chili is pretty good, Cartman, but I think mine is better. Try it."
Cartman,"Alright.  Hey, this is great!"
Scott,"Eh, it's a special recipe."
Cartman,"Gawh, this is really good, Scott!"
Scott,"I'm glad you like it so much, because now that you're almost finished, I have some'in' to tell you."
Cartman,What? You mean about how you put pubes in your chili?
Scott,What?!
Cartman,"Yehes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's.  It's delicious, Chef. I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap.  I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins' pony to bite off your wiener. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area.  I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your wiener bitten off. You would most likely send your parents.  And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents."
Mr. Denkins,"Well, they was trespassin' and I was protectin' myself. I, I have my rights."
Scott,My... mom and dad are... dead?
Cartman,"I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies...  After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could tell you personally about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili.  Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott?  I call it, ""Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili."""
Scott,Oh my God!  Oh my God!!
Cartman,Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah! I made you eat your parents! Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah!
Stan,"Jesus Christ, dude!"
Scott,My mom and dad are dead!  No! NOOO!!
Thom,"Uhm, excuse me?"
Stan,Who are you?
Johnny,"We're that band, Radiohead."
Scott,Jesus!
Ed,"Jeez, what a li'l crybaby!"
Colin,"Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby??"
Thom,"You know, everyone has problems; it doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it."
Ed,"Come om, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool."
Thom,"Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met."
Phil,Little crybaby!
Scott,"No, wait! Waaiittt!! Oh my God, Oh my Gaawwwd!!  Noooo!"
Cartman,"Yes! Yesss!! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott!  Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet."
Kyle,"Dude, I think it might be best for us to never piss Cartman off again."
Stan,Good call.
Cartman,"Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! My-yummy.  Mm-yummy you guys!  Yuppitibut, that's all, folks!"
Announcer,"And so, in her career filled with lies, backstabbing, and whoring herself for money,  she learned that the price of fame can be pleasing 65 men at once in a dark, dirty alley.  And so ends ""Punky Brewster, Behind The Blow."""
Cartman,"Whoa, bummer, dude."
Kyle,"Okay, dude, it's 3:30."
Announcer 2,It's time for the Terrance & Phillip Show!
The Boys,Yay!
Phillip,"Excuse me, buddy."
Terrance,"Why, did you fart?  Oh, no!"
Stan,"Oh man, this is another rerun."
Cartman,Are you sure? I haven't seen it.
Kyle,"Yeah, fatass, this is their famous Mechanic sketch."
Phillip,I'm looking for a mechanic. Can you tell me how to get to the auto garage?
Terrance,"Sure, buddy! All you need to do is go down to the , and that's how you  get to the auto garage!"
Phillip,Can you tell me how to get to the auto garage without farting?
Terrance,Sure. You go the same way  except stick your finger up your ass.
Phillip,"No no no! I mean, could you tell me the directions again without you farting?"
Terrance,OOOH! Sure! Just stick your finger up my ass.
Phillip,"Alright, no problem, buddy.  Now, tell me: How do I get to the auto garage to see a mechanic?"
Terrance,You're at the auto garage. I am the mechanic.
Phillip,Why the heck didn't you tell me you were the mechanic?
Stan,Because I had an itch up my ass.
Terrance,Because I had an itch up my ass.
Terrance,Terrance & Phillip will be right back...
Phillip,...after these messages.
Stan,When are they gonna make new ones?
Announcer 3,"Hey kids, don't miss the greatest event of the year! This Thursday night at the Denver Coliseum, see Terrance and Phillip LIVE! And in person!"
Stan,What's this?
Announcer 3,"One night and one night only, see all your favorite Terrance and Phillip bits live!"
Kyle,Oh my God!
Cartman,You guys! Hey you guys! You guys!
Stan,Enough! I know!
Announcer,"To order tickets, call TicketSlave NOW!!"
Kyle,Write the number down! Write the number down!!
Stan,Dude! Did you get 'em?
Kyle,"I got 'em! Four tickets, 68th row, to Terrance and Phillip! I waited in line since 3 this morning!"
Cartman,Awesome! Give me mine!
Butters,"Wow, yuh-you guys ore gonna see Terrance and Phillip Live?"
Stan,Yep. Tomorrow night.
Ms. Choksondik,"Alright, children, let's settle down. As you know, this coming Friday is Earth Day.  and I'm pleased to announce that the national Earth Day organization has chosen South Park as its location for the Earth Day Brainwashing Festival."
Class,Oohh.
Ms. Choksondik,The heads of the Earth Day Brainwashing organization are here to tell you all about it.
Older man,"Hello children, I know you're all very excited about having the Earth Day Brainwashing Festival put on in your town."
Younger man,"You care very much about the earth, don't you?"
Class,Yes.
Older man,"Good, because it's up to all of you to get lots of people to come.and make it look great. The festival is on Friday, so we'll start getting it ready tomorrow night."
Kyle,What??
Younger man,We've all gotta pitch in.
Stan,"Ah, I'm sorry, but the four of us can't help tomorrow night."
"Cartman, Kyle, Kenny",Yeah.
Older man,You... what??
Kyle,Well we got tickets to see Terrance and Phillip Live in Denver tomorrow night. We paid forty bucks apiece for them.
Older man,And Terrance and Phillip are more important than Mother Earth?
Cartman,"Well yeah, dude."
Older man,You don't care about Terrance and Phillip.  Nothing matters more than saving the planet from Republicans.  You don't need to see Terrance and Phillip.
Stan,"No, dude, we really, really do."
Older man,Their will is strong.
Ms. Choksondik,"I'm sorry, boys, but nothing's more important than Earth Day."
Kyle,"Uhuh, but that's why we're going."
Stan,Huh?
Kyle,"See, w-we're the official presidents of the Terrance and Phillip Fan Club. A- and... we're... going to see them tomorrow 'cause we can get them to perform at the Earth Day festival."
Younger man,You can get Terrance and Phillip to perform?  That would be great. Terrance and Phillip would draw huge ratings from children all over the country.
Older man,"Very well, kids; we'll work on getting the event ready here, and you go get Terrance and Phillip."
The Boys,All right!
Older man,But I warn you: You'd better not promise things to Earth Day people that you can't deliver. Earth Day people can be... eheheh very unforgiving.
Kyle,"Heheh, heh, no problem, heh. No problem!"
Announcer,Ladies and gentlemen!  Put your hands together for... Terrance!
Terrance,"Hellooo, Den-ver!"
Kyle,"Wow, dude, Terrance got really fat."
Stan,"Yeah, he looks terrible."
Terrance,"How are we all feeling tonight? Pretty good? Uh oh.  Hey, do you all remember this one? ""Doctor, doctor. I think I cracked my ass."" ""Reallih? Let me take a look."" ""Look closer."""
Stan,Uuuuhh.
Cartman,Where the hell is Phillip?! Phil-lip!
"Cartman, Kyle",Phil-lip!
Audience,Phil-lip! Phil-lip! Phil-lip! Phil-lip!
Terrance,"And now, for some classic Terrance and Phillip comedy!"
Phillip Stand-in,Hello Terrance.
Terrance,Hello Phillip.
Stan,Phillip? That's not Phillip.
Terrance,"Say, Phillip, I have a question for you."
Phillip Stand-in,"Ho-okay, shoot."
Kyle,"Dude, what the hell is going on?! Why did they replace Phillip?"
Cartman,I think this new guy's funny.
Terrance,And now here's a classic Terrance and Phillip sketch that I wrote back in '62.
Phillip Stand-in,"Excuse me, sir. Do you know Who farted?"
Terrance,He sure did.
Phillip Stand-in,What's the person's name?
Terrance,Who.
Phillip Stand-in,The guy that farted!
Terrance,Who!
Phillip Stand-in,The person that passed gas!
Terrance,Who passed gas!
Phillip Stand-in,"Now, why are you asking me?"
Terrance,That's the man's name?
Phillip Stand-in,That's Who's name?
Terrance,Yes!
Phillip Stand-in,"Something very terrible has happened in the world of Terrance and Phillip, and we've got to find out what."
Phillip Stand-in,"Look, buddy, all I'm trying to find out is What's the guy's name that farted?"
Terrance,"Right, the guy that drank his own urine."
Phillip Stand-in,Who?
Stan,"Come on, guys, we're getting to the bottom of this.  'Scuse us."
Bouncer,Where do you think you're going?
Kyle,We have to talk to Terrance.
Bouncer,"Hyeah, right."
Stan,It's okay. We're the official presidents of the Terrance and Phillip fan club.
Bouncer,"Then get in the ""Official Presidents of the Terrance and Phillip Fan Club"" line."
Cartman,"Aw, dude, gay!"
Stan,You don't understand! We saved Terrance and Phillip's lives once.
Bouncer,"You and about a thousand other people at one time or another. Now, get out of my face!"
Cartman,Racist!
Stan,"Man, this sucks!"
Boy in glasses,"Are you guys official presidents, too?"
Cartman,"Don't talk to us, kid."
Kyle,Hey! Look at that line!  It's way shorter.
Stan,I don't think we're female groupies or random sluts.
Cartman,Kenny's a random slut.
Kyle,"Well, maybe we can sneak in over there. Come on.  Sshh."
Terrance,"Mmm. Mmm, yummy.  Mmm."
Groupie,It was so great meeting you. I feel like we really shared something.
Terrance,"We sure did, baby.  Next?"
Obese Woman,Hello Terrance. I'm such a huuuge fan.
Terrance,You're a huge fan alright!
Obese Woman,Can I just have you sign my breasts?
Terrance,But what do I get in return?
Obese Woman,Whatever you want.
Terrance,"Oh yeah.  Oh, that's good, baby."
Obese Woman,"Oh, Terrance, I love you."
Terrance,You like that?
Obese Woman,I love you!
Terrance,Yeah.
Obese Woman,I LOVE you!
Terrance,Ah good.
Obese Woman,I LOVE YOU!!
Terrance,Yeah-
Both,OH!!!
Cartman,"Agh! Wough! Man, it smells down there!"
Terrance,"Jesus Christ! That was fast! Well, what should we name it? How about Jerry?"
Obese woman,What the hell?
Terrance,Oh wow! We had quadruplets!
Stan,"We're not quadruplets, Terrance. We snuck in that woman's spandex to get in here."
Terrance,"Oh! Thank God. The last thing I need is more kids.  What do you want, an autograph or something?"
Kyle,"Nuh, it's more important than that. Our school is putting on a big show for Earth Day, and we promised people we could get you to perform."
Terrance,"Earth Day, huh? That sounds like a very noble cause. How much does it pay?"
Stan,But where's Phillip?
Terrance,Who?
Kyle,"Phillip, your partner."
Terrance,"Why is it that every time somebody sees me they have to say, ""Hey, where's Phillip?"" Like we're freaking married or something! You know, I'll let you tater-tots in on a little secret: Phillip is a HACK!  You know who wrote all the Terrance and Phillip stuff? ME! Phillip never did anything but read his lines!"
Kyle,But the guy who replaced him sucks!
Terrance,"Ah, I know.  I know he sucks  To be honest, things haven't been going so well lately. I'm not making any money because everyone wants to see Phillip. Why? What the hell does Phillip do?"
Stan,"Because, dude, it's Terrance and Phillip."
Terrance,"Ogh, whatever.  The point is, Phillip and I are through.  And apparently, so is the act. And so is the money."
Stan,What if we can get Phillip to agree to get back together. Will you do the Earth Day show for us?
Terrance,"HA! Goood luck getting Phillip! He left because he wanted to do  ""more serious"" stuff. Last I heard, he was doing Canadian Shakespeare in Toronto."
Kenny,(Toronto?)
Kyle,But we promised the Earth Day people you'd perform.
Terrance,"Well, in that case, I'd say you four boys are up Fart Creek without a paddle."
Older man,"Work! Work, children! We only have two more days until Earth Day! Work!"
Clyde,"Ah, excuse me? My daddy is a geologist and he says there actually isn't any concrete evidence of global warming."
Older man,That's not true.  Global warming is going to kill us all.  The Republicans are responsible.
Clyde,Thank you.
Stan,"Oh no, dude."
Older man,"Oh, there you are, boys. I need Terrance and Phillip's information so I can tell them their schedule."
Kyle,"Uuuh, we didn't get them."
Older man,You what?
Stan,"They're not together anymore, dude."
Younger man,You'd better be joking. We've already announced their participation.
Kyle,"Look, we could we could probably get Terrance, but he'll be performing with this other guy."
Older man,"You promised us Terrance and Phillip! We therefore promised the WORLD Terrance and Phillip! You WILL get us Terrance and Phillip, or else!"
Stan,But there's nothing we can do. Phillip is doing Shakespeare in Canada now.
Older man,"Then you'd better get your asses to Canada and GET him. We'll make travel arrangements.  Nothing is more important than the environment, boys. Not even your lives."
Kyle,"Well, guys, I guess we're going to Canada."
Cartman,Weak.
Phillip,Ahhh
King Claudius,Part them; they are incensed.
Hamlet,"Nay, come, again."
Queen Gertrude,Aaaah!
Osric,"Look to the queen there, buddih!"
Horatio,"They bleed on both sides.  How is it, my lord?"
Osric,"How is't, Laertes?"
Laertes,"Why, as a woodcock to mine own springe, Osric;I am justly kill'd with mine own treachery."
Hamlet,How does the queen?
King Claudius,"Hey guy, she swounds to see them bleed, buddih."
Queen Gertrude,"No, no, the drink, the drink,--O my dear Hamlet,--The drink, the drink! I am poison'd. Blagh!"
Hamlet,O villany! Ho! let the door be lock'd:Treachery! Seek it out.
Laertes,"It is here, Hamlet: Hamlet, thou art slain; No medicine in the world can do thee good; In thee there is not half an hour of life; The treacherous instrument is in thy hand, unbated and envenom'd: the foul practice hath turn'd itself on me lo, here I lie,Never to rise again: thy mother's poison'd: I can no more: the king, the king's to blame."
Hamlet,"The point!--envenom'd too! Then, venom, to thy work, buddih!"
All,Treason! treason!
King Claudius,"O, yet defend me, friends; I am but hurt."
Hamlet,"Here, thou incestuous, murderous, damned Dane, drink off this potion. Is thy union here? Follow my mother."
King Claudius,Blagh!
Laertes,"He is served;It is a poison temper'd by himself.Exchange forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet:Mine and my father's death come not upon thee, Nor thine on me. Blagh!"
Hamlet,"Heaven make thee free of it! I follow thee, guy. I am dead, Horatio. Wretched queen, adieu! You that look pale and tremble at this chance, buddih, That are but mutes or audience to this act,  Had I but time--as this fell sergeant, death, Is strict in his arrest--O, I could tell you, buddih--But let it be. Horatio, I am dead; Thou livest, guy; report me and my cause aright, to the unsatisfied."
Horatio,"Never believe it: I am more an antique Roman than a Dane: Here's yet some liquor left, buddih."
Stan,"Jesus Tapdancing Christ, is this thing ever gonna end?"
Hamlet,"...he has my dying voice;So tell him, with the occurrents, more and less,Which have solicited. The rest is silence. Blagh."
Horatio,"Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince:And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest, buddih!..."
Stan,Phillip! Phillip!
Phillip,Yes?
Stan,Our town in Colorado was chosen to host Earth Day this year and... we need a big act.
Phillip,"Oh, really? This run of Hamlet is closing down, I'm afraid. We could take it there."
Stan,"Ah, well, we were thinking how cool it would be if you and Terrance got back together for a reunion and-"
Phillip,AH! Stop right there! I'm not doin' nothin' with that fatass egomaniac!
Stan,But we need you!
Phillip,"Ah, I'm sick of him taking credit for all the work and not letting me change the act. It's old and stale! I mean, do you really think that fart jokes are funny for that long?"
Cartman,"Look, if you don't come and do the show, I'll make you eat your parents!"
Phillip,"Yeah, whatever, kid."
Stan,"He'll do it, dude."
Kyle,"Ah, look, Phillip. Everyone in South Park just wants to see your serious side."
Phillip,What?
The other boys,What?
Kyle,"They told us that ""Phillip. He's the one with talent. Just get him for Earth Day."""
Phillip,Really? Well that sounds interesting. How much does it pay?
Stan,Two thousand dollars.
Phillip,"I'm in! Here, call me at this number with the details.  Gotta run!"
Stan,"Dude, you didn't tell him Terrance would be there."
Kyle,"I didn't see he wouldn't be there, either. Look, all we have to do is get them there, right? Once Terrance and Phillip get together again, it'll be like old times."
Cartman,"Oh, Kyle, you just made a huge withdrawal at the First Bank of Lies."
Kyle,Ih-it'll be okay.
Older man,"Work faster! Faster, children! Earth Day is coming!  Well, boys, it's rehearsal time, and your Terrance and Phillip haven't shown up."
Kyle,They said they'd come.
Stan,I'm sure they'll be here any minute.
Older man,Maybe you kids don't understand how important Earth Day is for the future of our planet. Maybe you need some convincing. Carl?
Kenny,(AAAAHH!)
Stan,Oh my God!
Phillip,"Excuse me, is this where the Earth Day crap is happening?"
Kyle,He's here!
Older man,"Oh. Very good. Mr. Phillip, I am Jack Farliss, head of the Earth Day Committee. Thank you for being part of this important event."
Phillip,Whatever. Where's my check?
Terrance,"Alright, I'm here. Where do I-?"
Phillip,What's HE doing here?
Jack,"Alright, let's do a rehearsal so that the camera crew can get a look at it."
Kyle,Uhhh-woo wow! Isn't this great? You guys seeing each other again?
Stan,"Ee yeah, you must have a lot of catching up to do. But let's rehearse first."
Phillip,"So, this is your dong, huh, Terrance?!"
Terrance,My doing?? These kids called me and said it was your idea and that you wanted to apologize.
Kyle,"Please, you guys. This is for Earth Day.  You care about Mother Earth, don't you?"
Phillip,"Well, what the hell? I already flew all the way out here. But I want my check made out to me, not both of us!"
Terrance,Ditto!
Stan,Fine!
Kyle,See? I told you it would work.
Jack,"Alright, we'll come off the speech about the dying whales, and thennn, action!"
Terrance,"Doctor, doctor, I've cracked my ass."
Phillip,Really? Let me take a look.
Terrance,Look closer.
Kyle.,"Haha, hahahaha. Hahaha."
Phillip,Yon fart doth smell of elderberry sweet. Thou dost protes-
Terrance,"Uh. What? That's not the line, asshole!"
Phillip,"You're right. It's a better one, asshole!"
Terrance,"Just do the bit right, dickface!"
Phillip,"Why don't you go eat some more pudding, you fatass drug addict?!"
Terrance,I may be fat but at least I didn't get hair plugs!
Phillip,That's it! I ain't doin' nothin' with Kuko the Whale!
Terrance,"I never needed you in the first place, yuh hack!"
Kyle,You can't leave! The show starts soon!
Jack,"Boys, you've got... three hours to get those two back together. Do I need to remind you what will happen if you don't? Carl!"
Kenny,(OOOWWW!)
Kyle,You bastards!
Jack,"Good luck, boys."
Cartman,"We've got to get them back together, you guys. They could do this to us."
Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where Earth Day 2001 is in full force.  Environmental awareness games, booths, and of course,  the entertainment on stage, which is being broadcast live all over the country. This eco-happy crowd is thrilled and waiting in anticipation for the arrival of Terrance and Phillip, who are promised by these four boys."
Jack,"What a touching and true song. You know, it's true.  Republicans are ruining the earth."
Crowd,Republicans are ruining the earth.
Jack,"Alright. Well, I think I know why most of you tuned in today. How about some Earth Day entertainment?!"
Kyle,"Hooray for the earth! We must protect it.  And now, as promised, here are TERRANCE AND PHILLIP, on video!"
Carl,On video?
Narrator,They were considered the best comedy act in all of Canada.  But a fast-paced rocket ride to success would bring them to the depths of despair.  This is Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow.
Crowd,Wow!
Carl,What the hell do you call this?!
Kyle,"Eh it's ""Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow."" I taped it last month."
Jack,"We promised people Terrance and Phillip, not a video documentary! You've ruined the earth for the last time, boys!"
The Boys,Aaaahh!
Narrator,"Terrance was born Terrance Henry Stoot, in the small Canadian village of Toronto.  At a very early age his parents noticed an uncanny musical ability and decided to enroll him in the Canadian School for gifted babies.  It was here that he partnered up with Phillip Niles Argyle , a brash young baby from Montreal.  Together, they performed musical acts that stunned Canadians everywhere.  At the tender age of six, Terrance and Phillip were off to the United States to perform on the Ed Sullivan show . where American audiences would be exposed to Canadians for the first time."
Ed Sullivan,"And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have two adorable little boys from Canada. Please put your hands together for the music of young Terrance and Phillip."
Terrance & Phillip,"Beef and lamb, chicken and ham, Step to the left and clap your hands! Gosh we love our chicken and ham. Don't let it go to waste that chicken and ham!"
Woman,"Oh my God, what's wrong with their heads?!"
Man,"It's alright, darling, they're just Canadian."
Woman,Oooh.
Terrance & Phillip,"Beef and lamb, chicken and ham, Step to the left and clap your hands! Gosh we love our chicken and ham. Don't let it go to waste that chicken and ham!"
Narrator,"The Canadian act confused American audiences.  But then something happened that would change Terrance and Phillip's act forever.  It was the birth of Canadian comedy.  Terrance and Phillip spent the next several years perfecting their art, and meeting some of America's most influential people."
Phillip,"Excuse me, which way is the bus station?"
Mr. Garrison,"Hey, you're the guy on the screen."
Phillip,What?
Narrator,"But it was in 1974, on the Sonny & Cher Show, that Terrance and Phillip finally started to mix their Canadian humor with deep political insight."
Sonny,"You know, Cher, a lot of us real Americans don't know much about Canada."
Cher,"Well, a lot of us real Americans aren't as stupid and short as you, hm."
Sonny,Please put your groovy hands together for the young and talented Terrance and Phillip!
Phillip,"Say, Terrance, I'm getting worried aboot all these Russians making missiles. Maybe we should stop this cold war."
Terrance,Here's a missile for ya!
Phillip,That's better.
Narrator,"With this bold mix of humor and political insight, the world couldn't get enough of Terrance and Phillip.  But their fame would come at a price, when Behind the Blow continues."
Stan,"Okay. Okay, I think we lost them."
Kyle,"Jesus, man, those Earth Day people don't screw around!"
Cartman,"Kyle, none of this would be happening if you hadn't LIED in the first place! You lied, and then you lied to cover up your lie!"
Kyle,"I didn't see you complaining at the time, fat boy!"
Stan,"Guys, we have no choice. We're gonna have to move away. Environmental activists don't use logic or reason."
Carl,There they are!
Kyle,Haaah!
Kenny,(Aahhh!)
Stan,Go! Run run run!
Narrator,"As they entered their late teens, Terrance and Phillip were already starting to taste the sweet milk of success.  But the price of fame was looming, as Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow continues.  The '70s and '80s were a good time for young Terrance and Phillip.  Their act on the Donny and Marie Show earned them a Nobel Peace Prize. They were on the cover of every magazine.  And then in 1998, even a Saturday morning cartoon was made, based on Terrance and Phillip.  Terrance and Phillip themselves supplied the voices."
Phillip,"Say Terrance, what should we do aboot this strange planet we've crashed on?"
Terrance,"I don't know, Phillip. It looks like the alien species here breathe an inert gas."
Phillip,"Oh oh, did you say what I thought you said?"
Goat leader,"As leader of the goat people, I have seen my species nearly wiped out by your dangerous gas."
Phillip,"Wow, that sucks."
Narrator,"The cartoon was such a huge success that it started to breed confusion over whether Terrance and Phillip were animated characters or real people. And so, in 1998,  the comedy team started work on what they thought would be their greatest achievement: A made-for-TV movie written by and starring Terrance and Phillip, called ""Not Without My Anus.""  It was their biggest project to date. But it had the misfortune of being scheduled on a night when a different and more popular show, the John Schneider Variety Hour , was supposed to air. When fans tuned in to see John Schneider and instead were treated to the Canadian made-for-TV movie , they were enraged, bewildered, and scared.  The fans revolted and burned down the network, killing six television producers and wounding twelve others.  The hatred of Terrance and Phillip had begun. Terrance fell into a deep depression and started abusing wood polish.  Phillip beat up an angry six-year-old fan and was sued for six million dollars. It was the first time the duo tasted failure , and it nearly killed them both."
Terrance,What's going on here?
Mr. Mackey,"Sh. We're watching ""Behind the Blow,"" m'kay."
Stan,"Come on, Kenny, hurry up!"
Narrator,"After years of depression and suicide attempts, Terrance and Phillip finally decided to get together  for one last film:  the 1999 hit, Asses of Fire. It was one of the highest-grossing films of the summer.  And though the film also started the Canadian-American War of 1999 , in which eight million people lost their lives, the film was considered a great success.  After almost being executed by the American government , Terrance and Phillip were eventually returned to Canada , where they were touted as heroes.  They have been to hell and back, through the very best and the very worst of times, together, but they had seen it through.  And so ends Terrance and Phillip, Behind the Blow."
Phillip,Terrance...
Terrance,"Oh, Phillip. You're still here, too."
Phillip,"I was just watching this video, I ah-. You know, I've never seen it before."
Terrance,Me neither.
Phillip,We sssure did go through a lot together.
Terrance,We sure did.
Phillip,"Terrance, I-"
Terrance,"No. No, Phillip, don't say it. I was an asshole, and this is mostly my fault."
Phillip,"That's what I was gonna say: You were an asshole, and this is mostly your fault.  But, you were always the more artistically driven of us; I ssshould've put more into it than I did."
Terrance,"No, Phillip, I really thought I did everything. Until I- tried to do it alone."
Jack,Think of all the endangered species that will now vanish because of you! Carl!
Kenny,(AH how!)
Jack,"So long, boys!"
Kyle,"Wait! dude, LOOK!"
Terrance,"Thank you everyone, thank you! You know, Phillip and I have learned an important lesson: that when you go through a lot with somebody, you can't let trite things come between you."
Phillip,"That's right, Terrance. You should only let trite things come between your asscheeks"
Terrance,"Ohohoho, nohoho!"
Stan,They're back!
Cartman,Alright!
Jack,"Yes! Earth Day is saved, boys! Everything worked out after all!"
Stan,It sure did.
Cartman,"Look, Kenny, everything turned out okay!"
Kenny,"(Oh, well now that's sweet.)"
Phillip,"Say Terrance, can you tell me Who farted?"
Terrance,"He sure did, Phillip."
Phillip,"NO, I'm asking you his name!"
Narrator,"And so, Terrance and Phillip got back together, proving once and for all that fame and fortune are never as important as friendship."
Priest,"...And so it is with heavy hearts that we say good-bye to Mabel Louise Cartman.  She was a good woman, a community leader, a caring wife, a providing mother , and a loving grandmother ."
Cartman,"Mom, it's 3:30. This is taking up my whole Saturday."
Liane,"Ssshhh, pumpkin, it's almost over."
Cartman,Why couldn't the funeral have been on a school day?
Priest,"And now, let us bow our heads in a moment of silence and reflect on how Mabel touched our lives."
Cartman,God! She didn't take this long to die.
Priest,And now we release the doves to symbolize the Lord taking Mabel into his arms and giving her everlasting peace.
Assistant,Peace.
Cartman,Great. Now can we go?
Liane,"No, sweetie, we have to tend to some of Grandma's business."
Cartman,Ogh! God-damnit..!
Executor,"...""And so I leave my stocks and bonds, worth an estimate fourteen dollars and twelve cents, to be divided amongst my loving family."""
Cartman,"Mom, I wanna go home!"
Liane,"In a minute, sweetie. This is important."
Executor,"""To my loving son, Stinky: I leave you the house in Nebraska. Look after it as your father and I did."""
Cartman,Bluh bluh bluhbluh bluh bluh...
Executor,"""To my grandson Eric: You are always my favorite fat little man, my perfect round little pudding-piler."""
Cartman,"Oh, God, do you have to embarrass me even in death, Grandma?!"
Executor,"""For you, Eric, I leave from my life savings, the sum of one million dollars, to be transferred to you immediately."""
Cartman,Hoosajiggawha?
Liane,A million dollars?
Executor,"""Eric is the primary benefactor of my estate, since it is likely the rest of you would spend the money on crack."""
Liane,Oh my.
Uncle Stinky,That can't be!
Cartman,"Uh yah sir, excuse me. D-Does this mean that I..have...one million dollars?"
Executor,"Yes, Eric, it's yours."
Cartman,"No, no, wait, you don't understand.  since I was th-three years old it has been my dream to have one million dollars..."
Executor,"And now, you do."
Cartman,Egh...
Stan,"""There you are, Jennifer Lopez!""  ""You've been most uncooperative, Ms. Lopez."""
Kyle,"""No, please! I promise I'll never make another album or movie!"""
Stan,"""It's too late for that, Ms. Lopez."""
Kyle,"""Have mercy!""  Yeah ha ha!"
Stan,"Yeah, awesome!"
Stan,"Yeah, awesome!Kennypanting(You guy! You guys! You gotta come down to Cartman's house! You hear Cartman got a million dollars from his Grandma!)"
Stan,...Why?
Kenny,(Because! His grandmother just died and her will says Cartman now has a million dollars!)
Kyle,Nuh uh.
Kenny,"(No, swear to God it's true! Cartman's got a million dollars!)"
Stan,"You'd better not be lying, Kenny."
Banker,"Nine hundred ninety nine thousand four hundred, nine hundred ninety nine thousand five hundred..."
Jimbo,"Damn, Ned, I've never seen that much cash."
Ned,Mm-me neither.
Banker,"...Nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred, one million."
Cartman,"Look at it. Look at it, mother. See how the light reflects the spearmint green from its surface."
Mr. Garrison,"Eric, that is a lot of money. Don't you think you should keep it in the bank instead of at your house?"
Cartman,"I'm not keeping it, Mr. Garrison, I'm spending it."
Jimbo,On what?
Cartman,On my dream.  On the one thing that I've wanted ever since I could remember...
Broker,"Excuse me son, I'm an investment broker; I can help you invest that money."
Cartman,"Nuh uh, I'm spendin' it."
Priest Maxi,"Eric, God could sure use that money for a bigger church."
Cartman,"Huh, I think God has plenty of money."
Kyle,"What the hell are you doing, fatass?!"
Cartman,"Not much, just taking my  one million dollars out of the bank."
Stan,Oh my God.
Kyle,Kenny wasn't lying.
Cartman,Would you mind stepping aside? I have a purchase to make.
Stan,"Dude, can you loan me twenty bucks for a new jacket?"
Cartman,"HA! If you need money, you can get a JOB, Stan! No freeloaders are gonna take my hard-earned cash!"
Kyle,Your grandma left it to you! You didn't earn it!
Cartman,"Didn't earn it?! What about all the years I spent making Grandma like me?! All the wet spit-filled kisses I put up with?! The constant smell of aspirin and pee?! Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch!"
Kyle,"No... No, this isn't possible."
Stan,"Yeah, it's unbelievable."
Kyle,"No, I mean, this is impossible, Stan! Cartman is the biggest asshole in the world! How is it that God gives him a million dollars?"
Stan,"Come on, we gotta see what Cartman is doing with his money."
Kyle,Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama and... and you give Cartman a million dollars?
Broker,...Aaand if we can just get you to sign here...  and here... .
Liane,"Are you sure this is what you want, sweetie?"
Cartman,"My own amusement park, Mother. I'm sure."
Broker,"And now you just sign here, Mr. Fun."
Mr. Fun,I can't do it.
Broker,What?
Cartman,What?!
Mr. Fun,"Uh uh I can't sell this poor kid my park.  Look, I haven't been honest with you. The park hasn't been doing great business."
Broker,Frank...
Mr. Fun,"Sshhhh. It ain't right, Chris.  The truth is, the park is a financial flop. I haven't turned a profit in years because I can't keep attendance up."
Cartman,"Oh, but I'm not buying the park to get people to come."
Mr. Fun,You... you're not?
Cartman,"No no! I'm buying it to keep people out!  Don't you see? Forever it has been my dream to have my very own theme park, so that I could be alone in it, all day, every day. I love theme parks.  But the lines! Everywhere you go, people, crowds,  The rides are great, but...  All the lines, lines, LINES!  If there's one thing I hate,  all the lines, lines, lines, LINES!!  And then there get to be so many people  that they make FastPass.  So then there's lines for FastPass.  You stand in line to get a ticket to stand in line later. Then there's lines for the bathrooms , lines for the drinks , lines for cantakuras  and rare Kartankulas Plinks!  ...And, so you see, this park is for me. Nobody else will be allowed in it."
Mr. Fun,"Nn-oh. Well then, I guess I don't feel bad."
Chris,"Mr. Cartman, congratulations, the theme park is yours."
Cartman,"Gentlemen, I thank you."
Stan,"Kyle?  Dude, what are you doing here? Everybody's looking for you. Kyle?"
Kyle,"Do you know what happened to me this morning, Stan? This morning... I woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass. I felt down there and, and found this... big sore lump. On my ass, Stan. I couldn't even sit down, so... I, I had to tell my mother, which, which was humiliating. She took me to the doctor, which was more humiliating, a- a- nd he told me. I-I have a hemorrhoid. It's like an infected blood vessel on your ass. I'm nine years old, and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan. I have a hemorrhoid, and, Cartman has his own theme park."
Stan,"Kyle, I, I understand what you mean, but--"
Kyle,"Do you?! Do you, Stan?! Because all my life I was raised to believe in Jehovah! To believe that we should all behave a certain way and good things will come to us. I make mistakes, but every week I try to better myself. I'm always saying, ""You know, I learned something today..."" and what does this so-called God give me in return? A hemorrhoid. He doesn't make sense!  What is your logic?!  Ow."
Stan,"Look. Cartman... he thinks he's gonna be happy because he has his own amusement park, but, he's gonna find out that without other people, the rides are totally lame. I mean, who could really have fun by themselves at a theme park? I'll bet he's sick of it already."
Cartman,"Yyeessss! Yyeessss!  Awesome!  Ho ho!  Sweet!  Yes!  Folks, please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times, make sure your seat belts are fastened, and enjoy the Mine Shaft!  Yes!  Yes!  Oh, cool!  Oh, look how much fun I had!  Whoa! Heheheheh.  Ah! Heheh.  Whoa! Heh, heheh.  Woooo, Adventure Island! Check it out! Awesome!  Yoohoo! Yeh-hehess!  Yehess!  I'm so happy! I'm so happy..!"
Stan,"Oh, hey dude. Terrance & Phillip is just about to start."
Kyle,Great.
Stan,What's that?
Kyle,It's my seat ring. I have to sit on it because of my hemorrhoid.  Ow.
Stan,"Heh, heh.  Sorry."
Kyle,"So, how are things going at Cartman's theme park?!"
Stan,"Dude, just forget about it. We can't let him get to us, or he wins."
Kyle,"Hunh, I guess you're right."
Cartman,"Hey, everybody! Check out the all new Cartmanland! It's our Graaand Opening! Cartmanland has over a hundred fabulous rides , six roller coasters , and tons of great surprises!  And the best part is:  You can't come!!  That's right, because at Cartmanland, only I, Eric Cartman, can get in! That means only I can ride the all-new Tornado Twister , a roller coaster that splashes in the water! Wow!  It's the greatest amusement park in the Colorado area! And nobody can go!! Especially Stan and Kyle!! HAHA!!  So come on down to Cartmanland now!  But don't plan on getting past the parking lot,  'cause remember:  So much to do at Cartmanland, but you can't come!  Especially you, Stan and Kyle."
Stan,"That does it, dude!"
Kyle,Where are we going?
Stan,We're getting into that fatass's park whether he likes it or not!
Cartman,"Whoa! Heheh.  Whoa!  Whoa! Heheheheheh.  Aw, man, that was awesohome! That one part, with the-uum, with the spider that dropped on ya? Oho, man, that totally got me. That was sweet! Heheh."
Kyle,"Ah! Ow! Hey, it hurts!  Owie-ow! Help! Ow, that hurts!"
Cartman,What the hell?
Kyle,Hohohooho! Oowwww!
Cartman,You sons of bitches!
Stan,"Come on, dude!"
Kyle,"Hoh Gohod, I popped it!! Oh hit huhurts!!"
Cartman,What the hell are you doing?!
Stan,"Aw, crap."
Kyle,"Oh God, get me off of here!!"
Stan,Dude!
Kyle,"Stan, I have to go home!! I need my cream!! I need my creeheam!!"
Stan,"Alright, let's go."
Cartman,That's right! You stay out!
Stan,"You can't keep us out forever, you fucking fat ass! We'll be back as soon as Kyle's hemorrhoid is better!"
Kyle,My life can't get any worse!
Stan,You'll see! We'll get in!
Cartman,"...Alright, so listen: All I want you to do is keep anybody out who tries to get in here. If you see anybody on my propertih, especially Stan and Kyle, you are to shoot on sight!"
Security Guard,So what does does this job pay?
Cartman,"Alright, now this is very hard for me to do, you understand. But, in return for you working security, I'll let you ride two rides a day. But only two rides, and only if I'm not on them."
Security Guard,"Uh, I'm afraid I don't really like rides."
Cartman,"But, you can ride anything you want. And you don't have to wait in line."
Security Guard,I'm not interested.
Cartman,"Dude, are you from Mars or something? Any ride you want. No lines."
Security Guard,"If you need security, I need a cash salary."
Cartman,But I don't have any cash. I spent everything on this park.
Security Guard,"Well, look: Why don't you just let a couple of people in each day? Every day you can just let two people in, charge $29.95 per ticket, and then you can use that to pay my daily salary."
Cartman,Ugh... Two people?
Security Guard,This place is huge. You'll never notice two people. And then you'll have security for your park.
Cartman,"Well, all alright, Goddamnit! I'll open the park to two people each day! But remember: anybody else you see trespassing the park..."
Security Guard,I will shoot on sight.
Cartman,Sweet.
Doctor,You're a very lucky little boy. I've never seen a hemorrhoid so infected. It could have killed you.
Kyle,Lucky.
Gerald,"Oh, look, Kyle. Your little friend Stan is here to see you."
Stan,"Dude, are you okay?"
Kyle,"Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland, and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you?"
Stan,"Well um, ah-I found out that Cartman is letting a few people each day into his theme park. I was thinking we could put on disguises and get in."
Sheila,Ah-ah-ah-I'm afraid Kyle can't ride any amusement park rides for over a year because of his horrible hemorrhoid.
Stan,Jesus.
Kyle,"But it's okay, Stan, because I finally figured it out. You see, if someone like Cartman can get a million dollars and his own theme park, then there is no God. There's no God, dude."
Sheila,"Kyle, don't say such things!"
Kyle,"Why? Why, Mom? Because if I do something bad will happen to me? Because if I do your God might not shower me with his blessings of infected hemorrhoids?"
Gerald,"Kyle, y-you-you just don't understand. It's--"
Kyle,No! I finally do understand! There is no justice! There is no God! Do you hear me?! I renounce my faith!!
Cartman,"Alright, alright, listen up, people. Cartmanland is open, but only to two people each day."
Kids,Aw.
Boy,That's gay.
Cartman,"I just gotta cover my security expenses. Butters, Clyde, you can come in."
Butters,Hoh.
Clyde,Oh.
Cartman,The rest of you will just have to try another day.
Kids,Aw.
Cartman,"'K, one park admission? That will be twenty-nine ninety five, sir.  Five cents is your change and enjoy your stay at Cartmanland."
Butters,"Hoh boy, oh boy!"
Cartman,"...and enjoy your stay at Cartmanland.  Ogh, finally, work is over. Now I can get back to riding my rides.  Dada da, I've got my own theme park. Hm, what should I go on now? I know! I'll go on the Haunted Mansion ride again!  Da dait daa da Da dat dadadadadadaa da-ah-  What are you doing?"
Butters,We're waitin' in line for the-ah spook house.
Cartman,Line? Lines! I HATE LINES!!! Can't you go on something else right now?
Butters,"Well we wanna see the spook house. Uh well, we paid twenty-nine ninety five; we should be able to go in the spook house."
Clyde,Yeah! But I think it's broke down. The cars aren't moving.
Cartman,"Ugh, alright, alright, hang on.  Security!"
Security Guard,What?
Cartman,"Oh, Jesus! Uh, look, the haunted house ride broke down. I need you to fix it."
Security Guard,"Uh, I'm security, not maintenance."
Cartman,But I don't know how it works.
Security Guard,Well your rides are gonna break down every now and then. You need to hire a maintenance person.
Cartman,"Ogh, alright, alright! I'll let two more people in each day so I can hire a maintenance person."
Cartman,"Alright folks, we've had another change in policy. I've had to hire a maintenance person, and to pay his salary I have to let in two more people a day.  However, the stupid maintenance worker demanded I have food and drinks inside the park, so now I've had to hire a beverage person, and a cotton-candy person, which means I now have to let eight people come in a day! BUT, you are to try your best not to ride any rides that I am on! Understood?  Alright, let's go."
Timmy,Timmay!
Cartman,Wait a minute! Who are you?
Boy,Mike Gainor.
Cartman,"HA! Get the hell out of here, Stan!"
Stan,"Goddamnit Cartman, let me in!"
Cartman,I thought you said buying a theme park was stupid! SECURITY!
Stan,"It is stupid, Cartman! You made Kyle lose his faith in God, you fat asshole!"
Cartman,Get him out of here!
Security Guard,"Move along, sir."
Stan,"AGGH!  This isn't over, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Eugh. Well, now I can finally get back to my riding my rides!  Uh oh! Oh man, I'm so scared!  AAAGGGHHH...."
Kyle,Agh!  Agghh!
Nurse,Just a little more.  There we go.
Gerald,"Hello, Kyle. How's the hemorrhoid today?"
Kyle,Awesome.
Sheila,"Kyle, we wanna tell you about the Book of Job. It's a story from the Bible."
Kyle,I've had enough of the Bible. What has it gotten me?
Gerald,"Oh, I think you'll see differently after hearing this. Sit down, Kyle.  Uh, okay.  You see, Job lived in the east of Jordan, a long long time ago.  Job was a great man. He was blessed with ten lovely children , a wonderful wife, and many friends."
Sheila,"He was godly, and a good man, and fed the poor."
Gerald,"He was the most upright and honorable of men, and every day he praised God."
Sheila,"But one day, Satan went up to Heaven and talked to God."
Kyle,Satan talked to God?
Sheila,"Yes, in the Book of Job, Satan talks to God. And God says to Satan, ""Have you seen Job? He is a great man, and he praises me every day."""
Gerald,"But Satan said, ""Oh yeah? He only praises you because you gave him so much. If you didn't give him those things, he would curse your name."""
Sheila,"To which God said, ""Oh yeah? I'll show you, Satan! I'll take those things away from Job and he will still praise my name."""
Gerald,"And so, God had a bunch of barbarians come in and slaughter Job's oxen and donkeys, and murder all his workers."
Sheila,Then God sent his fireballs from the sky and killed his sheep and the rest of his employees.
Gerald,"And then, as Job's sons and daughters were eating, God sent a mighty wind to collapse the house and crush and kill them all."
Sheila,"Job was terribly sad, but he fell to his knees and said, ""The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away,"" and praised God's name."
Gerald,"So then, Job got painful sores all over his body."
Sheila,"He was in terrible, miserable pain all day, every day. But he still kept his faith."
Gerald,"God said to Satan, ""See? I told you. Job still praises me."""
Kyle,And that's it? That's the end?
Sheila,Basically.
Kyle,That's the most horrible story I've ever heard. Why would God do such a horrible thing to a good person just to prove a point to Satan?
Gerald,"Oh. Uhhh, I don't know."
Kyle,"Then I was right. Job has all his children killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. There isn't a God."
Cartman,"...And, since the stupid security guard needs video surveillance, I have to let in two more people a day to cover those expenses... Need to cover the new ticket guy's salary, so that's three more admissions a day...  Cleanup crew for the bathroom, money to cover paint and upkeep - so that's about four admissions - that brings the grand total to...  God-damnit!  Eight hundred and sixteen people can come into the park today!"
Clerk,Welcome to Cartmanland.
Sheila,"Isn't he getting any better, doctor?"
Doctor,"I don't understand it. He's not fighting the infected hemorrhoid at all. It's like he... like he's lost all hope. Well if you'll excuse me, I've got more tests to run."
Announcer,"And now back to Money Quest, on HBC."
Host 1,"Welcome back to Money Quest.  In just over two weeks, young financial genius Eric Cartman  has managed to turn a theme park that was seeing less than a hundred attendees a day into a thriving park with attendance in the thousands."
Host 2,"And the way he did it is with the brilliant ""You Can't Come"" technique. For the first several days, the young businessman saturated the market with the claim that nobody could get into his park. It made the public crazy. So then, weeks later, when he opened the doors, they were lining up around the block. Simply amazing."
Host 1,"Well, ahah I think we should point out that this technique is already being applied by businesses all over the country."
Waitress,"I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations. Nobody can eat here. You'll have to leave now."
Clerk,"No, I'm sorry. You can't see this movie. Nobody can see this movie. I can't even go in."
Associate,Out! Nobody is allowed into Gracy's anymore! Get out of here!
Host 1,Amazing. Eric Cartman is surely the financial genius of our time.
Kyle,Oh... Oohh—Ohuhughughhh...
Sheila,Kyle? Kyle?  Get the doctor!
Cartman,"Eh!  Goddamnit, stop running into me!"
Kenny,(Woohoo!)  (Heeheehee!!)
Cartman,AGH!  DAAGGHHHH!!
Mr. Fun,"My God, look at it, Chris! That kid completely turned this place around!"
Chris,He sure did!
Mr. Fun,"Oh, if I could only have a park that worked like this!"
Cartman,"Hey, there you are!"
Mr. Fun,"Oh, hello. Congratulations on your success."
Cartman,Just give me my money back.
Mr. Fun,What?
Cartman,I changed my mind! I don't want your stupid park!
Mr. Fun,...But it's doing great!
Cartman,"You call this great?! I call it hell! Trade me back, goddamnit!"
Mr. Fun,You bet! I'll go get your money right now.
Boy,"Daddy, daddy, can we ride the rockets?"
Cartman,"GODDAMNIT, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!!"
Cartman,"GODDAMNIT, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!!"
Gerald,"Isn't he responding at all, doctor?"
Doctor,"I'm sorry. Your son appears to be losing the battle. I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid has spread to his lungs. Normally, the body would fight the infection, but he's... he's just... given up on life."
Sheila,But then... are you saying...?
Doctor,There's nothing I can do. Little fella's just... lost his will to live.
Sheila,"Oh Kyle! Kyle, you've got to fight!"
Cartman,"Good riddance, you stupid park! You can all kiss my ass!"
Agent,Excuse me? Eric Cartman?
Cartman,Yeah?
Agent,"I'm Frank Garrett with the IRS. You haven't kept records of your income or payout, and there's a five hundred thousand dollar discrepancy.  Seize the assets."
Cartman,"He-hey, that's my money!"
Mr. Garrett,There's also the lawsuit of the little boy who died in your park. The family's entitled to the rest of this.
Cartman,What?! Kenny?! He dies all the time!
Mr. Garrett,"You still owe thirteen thousand dollars more than this, Mr. Cartman. We'll see you in court."
Cartman,"Ye-You can't take my money, Goddamnit!"
Mr. Garrett,We know how well your park is doing; you'll make it back in no time.
Cartman,"No! But I don't... ah... ah...  Hey! Hey Mr. Fun, I changed my mind. I need the park to make my money back."
Mr. Fun,"Nohoho way, José!"
Cartman,"But I'm getting sued now. If I don't have the park, I lose everything!"
Mr. Fun,"""I don't care,"" said Pierre. ""I'm from France."""
Cartman,This can't be happening! AGGGHH!!
Stan,"Kyle, you gotta see!!"
Sheila,"Kyle's not going to make it, Stanley. Oh, Gerald!"
Stan,"Doctor, can we wheel Kyle out of here on his bed with the machines attached?"
Doctor,"Well, I s-supposed it could be rigged, but I--"
Stan,"Then damnit man, do it!"
Cartman,"It isn't fair!  You goddamned assholes, it isn't fair!"
Stan,"Look, Kyle. Look."
Kyle,Huh?
Cartman,"You just build me up to chop me down, didn't you?! What about my dream?! What about my money?!"
Kyle,Huh?
Cartman,I'M SO PISSED OFF!
Security Guard,"Move along, sir! You are vandalizing private property!"
Cartman,"Ey! You used to work for me!  Ut ut aw! Aw, Goddamnit, you sonofabitch!"
Stan,Kyle!
Doctor,He's coming back.
Sheila,"That's it, baby. That's it."
Cartman,"Oho, Goddamnit, this sucks!"
Doctor,Wait a minute. Yes! The hemorrhoid is going into remission!
Hemorrhoid,"Oh, shit!"
Stan,"Look, Kyle, Cartman is totally miserable.  Even more miserable than he was before because he's had his dream and lost it."
Cartman,It's not fair! It's not fair; I wanna die! I wanna daaahahie!
Kyle,You are up there!
Stan,"""So, we meet again, Jennifer Lopez!"""
Kyle,"""No, no, please! This time I swear I won't make albums or movies."""
Stan,"""That's what you said last time , but obviously we must now resort to more drastic measures"""
Kyle,"""Oh God it burns! It bur-huhurns!"""
Stan,"""Scream for me, bitch!"""
Kyle,"""AAAAAAAH!"""
"Stan, Kyle",Whoa! Awesome!
Cartman,"Ey you guys! You guys! Come 'ere, you guys, come check this out!"
Stan,"Oh no, what now?"
Cartman,"No, you guys, this is really cool. Come on!"
Kyle,"What's this all about, Kenny?"
Kenny,(Wait until you see what I can do to the dog!)
Cartman,"Watch this. It's sooo funny.  Come 'ere, dog, come on.  Good dog.  Red rocket red rocket.  Red rocket. Red rocket.  Come on."
Stan,"Cartman, what the hell are you doing?"
Cartman,I'm milking the dog. They make dog milk.
Kyle,No they don't!
Kenny,(Yeah they do!)
Cartman,"Yeah, just hold on a minute. The fifth graders showed us how to do it.  Red rocket. Come on, dog, red rocket!  Ohooohhh!"
Stan,"Whoa, cool!"
Kyle,That's awesome!
Cartman,I told you guys.
Stan,I had no idea dogs made milk; do it again.
Cartman,"Dumbass, you can only milk a dog once every few hours. It doesn't work if you beat off the dog again right away."
Kyle,"You ""beat off?"""
Cartman,That's what it's called when you milk a dog: beating it off.  Don't you guys know anything?
Stan,"Wow, you learned all this from the fifth graders?"
Cartman,"Yeah, I guess they thought we were cool, so they showed us how to do it—hey come here, dog. Dog, come here!"
Sharon,I was really happy with this month's book. I agree with what Bob and Linda said-
Stan,Mom! Dad! You gotta see this!
Sharon,"Not now, Stanley. This is Mommy and Daddy's book club night, remember?"
Stan,But it's super-cool!
Sharon,"Later, sweetie.  Anyway, I found myself enticed by Steinbeck's imagery."
Man,Uh the first chapter alone was filled with poetry.
Sharon,"Oh, wasn't it? I mean, the first sentence:"
Stan,"Red rocket. Red rocket, Sparky. Red rocket."
Sharon,"""Cannery Row in Monterey in California-""  ""-is a poem, a stink, a grating noise...""  It's amazing how with three images  he puts you right there, and..."
Stan,"Red rocket, red rocket!"
Randy,WAAAH!
Sharon,"Stanley, what the hell are you doing?!"
Stan,"I'm beating off the dog. Red rocket, red rocket."
Sharon,"STANLEY, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW!"
Stan,My room? Why?
Sharon,"Go, Stanley!  Ahaha, ahem. Heheh, he, he gets very good grades."
Sharon,"Stanley, do you know why you're being grounded for ten months?"
Stan,No!
Randy,"Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company!  Ah I mean, ever! Beating off the dog is not appropriate ever!"
Stan,Why?! What's the big deal?!
Sharon,"Stanley, don't you understand what you are doing??"
Stan,"I was doing ""red rocket"" to make the dog's milk come out."
Randy,"No, Stan! What you were doing to the dog was-ss sexual."
Stan,Huh??
Sharon,"You were stimulating the dog, Stanley! What came out of him was his... r-Randy?!"
Randy,"Well, you know, when you do that to a m-male... the... eh eh you make his... stuff come out.  Well, Jesus, haven't they taught you these things at school?!"
Stan,What things??
Sharon,Sexual education. Haven't you learned that yet?
Stan,No!
Sharon,"Oh. Look, well, you see, Stanley,... Well, your school should be teaching this stuff!"
Randy,Yeah! Let's get that damned school on the phone!
Principal Victoria,"Okay, parents. I know a lot of you want a chance to speak, but we have to talk one at a time."
Sharon,"Look, our kids are learning sexual things on the street and on television. There's no way we can stop it. The schools have to teach them sexual education at a younger age."
Principal Victoria,School policy has been to teach sexual education later. In the fifth grade.
Mr. Tweek,It isn't soon enough.
Stuart,"Yeah. Why, just this afternoon our son was caught beatin' off our dog."
Chef,"Look, parents. Do you really want your children learning about sex? Part of the fun of being a kid is being naive! Let them be kids for a while."
Ms. Choksondik,"Naive at what cost, Chef? Parents, we have to face facts: Children in America are having sex at younger and younger ages. STDs are affecting younger and younger kids all the time. The only way we can combat that is by educating children before they have sex."
Chef,The first thing that kids learn about sex shouldn't be some bitch-scare tactic about STDs.
Sheila,"No, she's right! With all the teen pregnancies that are out today, I think my boy does need to know about sexual education.  From the school."
Adults,"Yeah. Uh huh. Yeah, we have to."
Mr. Mackey,"Okay, boys, this is the first day of sexual education, m'kay? Now, I know that some of you think this is very funny. Words like ""penis"" and ""vagina.""  Nuh- now STOP that, m'kay! We're goin' tuh get through this by being mature and grown up, m'kay.  Now, this is the male anatomy, m'kay. Here we see the testes and the scrotum.  STOP that, m'kay! The next person that laughs is gonna get a referral!  M'kay. Now, in order to have intercourse, the man takes his penis, and he... hmmm... uhh...  let's see, the man takes his penis, and he... hm."
Stan,"Dude, haven't you ever had intercourse, Mr. Mackey?"
Mr. Mackey,"Well, sure I have! It's just... I was about 19 at the time, so it's been about 21 years... m'kay. Let's see, uh...  I'm pretty sure I took th-yeah I took the penis, and I bu- uh, what the hell did I do with that damned thing??"
Ms. Choksondik,"Alright girls, even though this may be stuff you don't want to hear, you need to hear it."
Wendy,"Oh, we wanna hear it, Ms. Choksondik. We're excited."
Bebe,"Yeah, we think it's gonna be fun!"
Girls,Yeah!
Ms. Choksondik,"Fun! It's going to be fun! Well let's start with our first lesson, then, shall we?  SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES!!  That's right, because unless you get boys to wear condoms you can and will get a sexually transmitted disease from them! How fun is that, hmmm?! Is that fun?"
Wendy,I didn't mean that-
Ms. Choksondik,"Today over 20,000 Americans will contract a sexual disease! TODAY! Twelve thousand more tomorrow! And the reason is that you girls wake up in the morning and say, ""It's not going to happen to me."" You say, ""Oh, Ms. Choksondik, that happens to girls in Detroit, in Brooklyn, but not here in Colorado."" WRONG!  Gonorrhea, herpes, chlamydia, HPV, HIV, syphilis, hepatitis B, hepatitis C, the list goes on and on! These are serious diseases! They have serious consequences!  You think that sex is about fun and games and love?  Wrong! Sex is about disease! Here's a little picture of herpes."
Girls,AAAHHH!
Ms. Choksondik,And here's a little syphilis for you!
Girls,AAAHHH!
Ms. Choksondik,"That's right, girls. Here's what happens when you don't get boys to use condoms!"
Chef,"Hello there, children."
Boys,Hey Chef.
Chef,How is sexual education class going?
Stan,It's dumb. Mr. Mackey doesn't teach us nothin'.
Chef,"Yeah, I don't think Ol' Mackey knows a hymen from a hysterectomy. And Choksondik? I'd be surprised if she's ever gotten laid in her life."
Kyle,"Yeah... Chef, what's ""laid""?"
Chef,"...Oh, nothin'. Now, move along, children, you're holdin' up the line."
Kyle,Hey! Maybe we should ask the girls what they learned in sex ed.
Stan,"Yeah.  Hey Wendy, did you guys get-"
Girls,AAAAHHH!
Kyle,What the hell is wrong with them?
Stan,"You guys, we just wanna know if you-"
Girls,AAAAHHH!
Wendy,"Stay away from me, Stan!"
Stan,Why?
Wendy,Are you wearing a condom?
Stan,...A what?
Girls,AAAAHHH!
Bebe,Do any of you have your condoms on?
Kyle,No.
Girls,AAAAHHH!
Wendy,Don't you know that without wearing a condom you could get a disease?
Kyle,Nuh uh.
Bebe,"Yuh huh! If you don't wear a condom, you're gonna get AIDS."
Cartman,AIDS?
Butters,"Oh, jeez. Ah I don't wanna get the AIDS, fellas."
Kyle,Is that what you learned in sex ed?
Cartman,Mr. Mackey didn't say nothin' about that.
Stan,"Dude, Mr. Mackey didn't know anything about anything."
Wendy,"You guys have to wear condoms. Now, please, just, just go away. We don't want your AIDS."
Stan,"But Wendy, we don't understand how that-"
Girls,AAAAHHH!
Kyle,"Oh my God, dude."
Butters,"Uh what are we gonna do, huh?"
Stan,"Dude, we gotta go get condoms quick."
Boys,Yeah.
Pharmacist,Can I help you boys?
Stan,"Yeah, we need condoms!"
Pharmacist,Condoms?
Kyle,Yeah. Quick!
Pharmacist,How old are you boys?
Stan,Why does that matter?
Butters,Ha-I'll be nine next week.
Pharmacist,"Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms."
Kyle,Well why not? You want us to get AIDS?
Pharmacist,I just don't think kids your age should be-
Assistant,"Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them."
Mark,But... they're... children!
Assistant,Would you rather them do it unprotected?
Cartman,"Yeah, you want us unprotected, asshole?!"
Mark,I just think that all this sex ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong!
Assistant,"Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected."
Stan,"Well, I'm glad this lady's on our side."
Mark,I don't think we have any that'll even fit them!
Assistant,"Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids. 'Lil Mini's. They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only five ninety five for a box of fifty."
Butters,"Fifty?? Uh, can't we just use the same one every day?"
Assistant,"No, you have to change it."
Kyle,"Oh, jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things."
Mr. Mackey,"Uh thanks so much for letting me come over, Ms. Choksondik."
Ms. Choksondik,"Oh, it's no problem, Mr. Mackey. It's probably best we come up with a lesson plan together anyway."
Mr. Mackey,"Yeah I've already gone over most of the basics, you know, uh with the boys, but I uh... eh just wanted to see what else you were teaching the girls, in case I... ""missed"" anything."
Ms. Choksondik,Well we should make sure our students are good and scared of the consequences. We have to teach them that diseases are possible even with just oral sex.
Mr. Mackey,"Right! Oral sex, which of course would be..."
Ms. Choksondik,Using your mouth on the penis or vagina.
Mr. Mackey,"Penis or vagina, right. Oral sex, m'kay."
Ms. Choksondik,It's just too bad these girls are having sex so young.
Mr. Mackey,"Yeah, why d-uh, did you?"
Ms. Choksondik,Did I what?
Mr. Mackey,"Well uh, how long did you wait before you had... uh... doobers."
Ms. Choksondik,"Well, if you must know, I'm still somewhat of a virgin.  But I'm not ashamed of it! I wasn't sought after much in high school or college.  I was made fun of most of my life for having such large glasses.  The only boyfriend I ever had was this attractive popular boy named Steven Garrett. I liked him very much, but I... found out that he was dating me because he lost a bet on the Super Bowl. The loser had to go out with me for three days."
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, I'm... I'm sorry."
Ms. Choksondik,"People can be very cruel. Anyway, I know it's hard to understand."
Mr. Mackey,"Ah actually I understand perfectly. I... I wasn't exactly the captain of the football team, either, huh huh, hehehuh,  anyhow  And then as I got older my... my head just sorta seemed to get bigger while the rest of my body stayed the same. That's how I got my nickname in college."
Ms. Choksondik,Your nickname?
Mr. Mackey,"""That guy with the really big head."""
Ms. Choksondik,...Right.
Mr. Mackey,"Anyway, I... I sort of lost any confidence and found it impossible to ever ask a woman out, mm, hm mm."
Ms. Choksondik,"Wow, I've... never met a man who is... as sexually unappealing as me."
Mr. Mackey,Neither have I.
Ms. Choksondik,"Well, I'm quite happy without sex. I mean, with all the diseases and problems out there, who needs it, right?"
Mr. Mackey,"Uh not me!  Huhuh, okay."
Ms. Choksondik,"Well, back to the lesson plan, then."
Mr. Mackey,Right.
Ms. Choksondik,"Okay.  ""Oral Sex"""
Stan,Doesn't it give any other directions?
Butters,"Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to roll it over your wiener.  ""If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studzes"""
Kyle,"Uh, what are ""studzes"""
Butters,"How the heck should I know?  Why, it's just a little doughnut.  Hoh- it's all gooey."
Cartman,"Just put it on, Butters."
Butters,Ha-a how come I gotta go first?
Cartman,"Butters, will you stop ff-fili-bustering?"
Butters,"Ma-a-a-a-a-a alright, man.  O-o-o-o-h, it's sticky."
Kyle,It says you gotta check it for holes or tears.
Butters,"I don't even understand how this thing... ooh, wait. Oh, I see."
Stan,"Don't look at Butters' schlong, gaymo!"
Cartman,"I wasn't looking as his schlong, I was seeing how to put the condom on!"
Kyle,Sure.
Butters,But it won't stay on. I- I need a rubber band or somethin'.
Tweek,"Ah, I got rubber bands."
Butters,"Ow! Huhuh, ow! Okay, eh.  Ow! There. Okay, I think it's on."
Stan,How do you feel?
Butters,...Pretty good.
Cartman,Do you feel protected?
Butters,"Yeah, there ain't nothin' that's gettin' in my wiener through this thing? A-and it's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can... pee in it."
Stan,"Alright, here, everybody.  Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Hey, somebody's gotta help Timmy put his condom on."
Timmy,Timmehah!
Principal Victoria,"Teachers, I have some bad news. Last night I received a phone call from the local pharmacist. Apparently, almost all of our fourth graders are sexually active. And now that we've scared them a little they're buying condoms to use."
Ms. Choksondik,"I knew it! Well, at least we scared them enough to protect themselves. But now maybe you'll believe me when I say that we need to be teaching even younger than fourth grade."
Principal Victoria,But how old do you think a student should be when they learn about proper condom use?
Ms. Choksondik,...Kindergarten.
Chef,Kindergarten?!
Ms. Choksondik,We've got to get to the students before they start having... sex. Nu-not after.
Chef,"Aw, now this is getting ridiculous!"
Mr. Adler,I have to agree with Ms. Choksondik. It's our responsibility to make sure our kids are safe if they're gonna screw around.
Principal Victoria,I guess we have no choice.
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, who can tell me what a condom is?  Yes, Jenny?"
Jenny,It flies around and it's endangered.
Mr. Garrison,"That's a con-dor, Jenny. Con-dor.  Con-doms are what we use to stop the spread of STDs.  Yes, Filmore?"
Filmore,Can we do fingerpaint?
Mr. Garrison,"NO, we can't do fingerpaint! You kids wanna get herpes?! Huh?! How about a nice bucket of AIDS?! Sound good?! Now pay attention, alright? I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom.  First of all you remove the condom from its package.  Then you find which way the condom rolls out.  Put it in your mouth...  And apply.  And it's as simple as that. Any questions?"
Ms. Choksondik,"Alright girls. Yesterday we went over the myriad of diseases you can get from boys, but today we're going to talk about the most horrible they can give you of all.  PREGNANCY!  That's right, since you girls have decided to be sexually active, teen pregnancy is at an all-time high! You seem to think it's gonna be fun and neat to have a baby-well, let's watch a little video, shall we?!"
Narrator,Snacky S'mores presents: The Miracle of Child Birth.  The time is drawing close for delivery. Here we can see the water breaking.
Girls,Eeeeww.
Narrator,"Later, the contractions are happening closer together. Mom sure is in a lot of pain. Now we can see the crown of the baby's head, stretching the vaginal walls in ways never before thought possible by Mom. Finally, the miracle happens, and the baby is born.  but Mom's not done yet."
Girl,Eeww.
Narrator,She still got some afterbirth to push out of her.
Girls,AAAAAAAA!!!!
Narrator,That's right.
Ms. Choksondik,Girls! Girls! Where are you going?!
Stan,"Man, this condom's driving me crazy."
Kyle,Yeah. I've changed mine three times already 'cause it itches so much.
Cartman,"Yeah, but it makes going to the bathroom easier."
Mr. Mackey,"Alright, boys, I now have all the information I need to teach you the female anatomy, hm'kay.  M'kay, this part here is the vaginal opening.  This is where the man puts his- Eric, what the hell are you doing?"
Cartman,I'm putting on a new condom. I filled the other one up.
Mr. Mackey,Why are you wearing a condom?
Cartman,So I don't get AIDS.
Mr. Mackey,"Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around, you have to get it from sex."
Stan,From sex??
Mr. Mackey,Yes.
Kyle,"You mean, intercourse with a girl?"
Mr. Mackey,"Yes! Now will you all pay attention, please?! The vagina and the clitoris are on the outside, and they are in fact very easily visible to the naked eye."
Stan,All this time... It's the girls that give us diseases!
Cartman,I knew it! Girls lie! They lie right to your face!
Mr. Mackey,Now here we can see the interior female anatomy. Things like the uterus and the ovaries are on the inside
Kyle,"Well that does it! If us boys are going to live, we have to get rid of the girls!"
Stan,"Yeah, come on guys, this is war!"
Boys,Yeah! That's right! Come on!
Mr. Mackey,"And here we see the tender, magical uterus. Here we see the enticing, voluptuous Fallopian tubes, m'kay."
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, now I wanna review the different sexual positions. Who can tell me which sexual positions we talked about?"
Filmore,Miss'nary position?
Mr. Garrison,"Missionary position, good. A little boring, but tried and true. What else?"
Girl,Doggie?
Mr. Garrison,"That's right. Doggie style we went over, mhm."
Boy,Pile driver?
Mr. Garrison,"Uh huh, pile driver position. Good, Quaid."
Sally,The Filthy Sanchez?
Mr. Garrison,"Yes, good Flora, you remembered the Filthy Sanchez."
Boy 2,Hot Karl?
Mr. Garrison,"Yes,you can give your partner the ol' Hot Karl, sure."
Clyde,"There, you see? The girls have built some kind of stronghold to keep us out."
Wendy,"Stay away from us, bastards! We don't wanna get pregnant!"
Bebe,Yeah! Just take your diseases and go away forever!
Stan,Ha! They're your diseases!
Kyle,Yeah! You get out of town!
Cartman,"Here, talk to them, Butters."
Butters,"Uh, me?? Huh, what the heck am I supposed to say?"
Cartman,"Just tell them that if they leave town peacefully, we won't have to resort to violence."
Butters,Just walk away. You can put a stop to all this. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away.
Kyle,"Man, he's pretty good."
Bebe,We'll never walk away. Never!
Kenny,(Waa-ooo!)
Cartman,"Oh, bitch!"
Stan,That does it! Attack!
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, so apparently the lesson plan tomorrow is s'posed to involve the secretion of bodily fluids, m'kay."
Ms. Choksondik,I've already gone through that with the girls.  It's pretty simple. Do you wanna drink?
Mr. Mackey,"Why, sure.  Hey uh I think I can... get through that stuff pretty quick, mm...  Uh, maybe we should come up with another lesson plan."
Ms. Choksondik,Something about how nerve endings play an important part in intercourse.
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, right, right, uh, like in the ...nipples."
Ms. Choksondik,Or the... shaft... of the penis?
Mr. Mackey,"It... says here that the uh, head of the penis is actually the... most sensitive... part, m'kay."
Ms. Choksondik,"Why, yes. The nerve endings are the most concentrated at- the- tip of the penis. Like they are in the...  clitoris of the woman."
Mr. Mackey,And these... are the two areas most important to-
Ms. Choksondik,"Sexual stimulation.  Oh, is this wrong?"
Mr. Mackey,"I don't know. It doesn't feel wrong.  I've been thinking about you a lot, Ms. Choksondik."
Ms. Choksondik,Yeah? What do you do when you think about me?
Mr. Mackey,I go crazy.
Ms. Choksondik,Do you touch yourself?
Mr. Mackey,Yeah. Hmm.
Ms. Choksondik,Haawww. Haawww.
Mr. Mackey,"G'oh, m'kay."
Ms. Choksondik,"Oh my God. Oh God, yeah! Stop! Stop!"
Mr. Mackey,"Huh, what's wrong?"
Ms. Choksondik,It's your turn.
Mr. Mackey,"Mm, oh, oh Ms. Choksondik. Okay! Okay!"
Ms. Choksondik,Do you want me?
Mr. Mackey,I do.
Ms. Choksondik,Tell me.
Mr. Mackey,I want you. M'kay.
Ms. Choksondik,Wait wait wait! Do you have a condom?
Mr. Mackey,Well. No.
Ms. Choksondik,"Oh well, fuck it  Oh God, give it to me!"
Mr. Mackey,Oh yeah. Woh.
Ms. Choksondik,"Woh.  Ooh, that's it baby! That's it!"
Mr. Mackey,"Aw, this feels so good, m'kay."
Boys,WAAAAHHH!!
Girls,Waaaahh!!
Sharon,What the hell was that?
Ms. Choksondik,Did you feel something?
Chef,"Oh, no!"
Mr. Garrison,Jesus Christ.
Cartman,"Ooo, Butters? You're in big trouble now."
Sharon,"Well, I don't know what got into you kids. You should be ashamed of yourselves."
Stan,We just didn't want the girls giving us diseases.
Ms. Choksondik,I'm afraid this is all my fault. I... think I went a little overboard scaring the girls. I forgot to tell them that to get diseases from boys you... have to have sex with them first.
Kids,Oooohhh.
Chef,"Well, I hate to say it, but you all got what you deserved."
Parents,Huh?
Chef,"Look: Schools are teaching condom use to younger and younger students each day! But sex isn't something that should be taught in textbooks and diagrams. Sex is emotional and spiritual. It needs to be taught by family. I know it can be hard, parents, but if you leave it up to the schools to teach sex to kids, you don't know who they're learning it from. It could be from someone who doesn't know,  someone who has a bad opinion of it,  or even a complete pervert."
Mr. Garrison,Wha? Why did you pan to me just now? What the hell is that s'posed to mean?
Ms. Choksondik,He's right. I never knew how special and personal sex was un... until just recently.
Sharon,This whole mess started because we couldn't talk to our boy ourselves.
Sheila,"It's easier to just leave it up to the school, but it's...just not a school subject."
Principal Victoria,Then it's decided: no more condom classes in grade school.
Kids,Hooray!
Stan,"But Chef, when is the right age for us to start having sex?"
Chef,"It's very simple, children. The right time to start having sex is... 17."
Kyle,Seventeen?
Chef,Seventeen.
Sheila,So you mean 17 as long as you're in love?
Chef,"Nope, just 17."
Gerald,"But, what if you're not ready at 17?"
Chef,Seventeen! You're ready.
Stan,"Well, I guess we got a while to wait before we have to worry about sex and diseases, huh, Wendy?"
Wendy,Yeah. Thank God.
Cartman,"Well, I guess now that that's out of the way, we can get on with our lives. Come here, boy!  That's it. Red rocket, red rocket. Come on, now. Come on, red rocket, dog. Red rocket now."
Mr. Garrison,"Okay children, so what other sexual positions have we talked about? Yeah, the wrap-around butt grab. Sure, can't forget that. Uh huh, reverse cowgirl. Good, Kevin. Hot Lunch, sure, she likes that. Donkey Punch, uh huh. Glass-bottom boat. Good one, yes. Fish-eye. Good, Jenny. Chili dog. Mm-hm."
Kyle,HA! I killed you!
Stan,"HA, I blew your head off!"
Kenny,"(Aw, Goddamnit!)"
Stan,"Jesus, is Cartman still in the bathroom?"
Kyle,"Hey Cartman! We're almost to level 20! You giving birth in there, or what?"
Cartman,Let a man take a crap!
Stan,"Dude, he's in there punishing my toilet."
Kyle,"Hyeah, that poor, poor thing"
Stan,"Come on, Cartman! You're missing the game!"
Cartman,"I'm almost done, you smartasses! I'm just wipin' mah- whoa, what the hell is that?  You guys, look what I found in the trashcan in Stan's bathroom. It's like a bloody cotton thing wrapped in toilet paper."
Kyle,"Well, why did you pull it out of the trash?"
Cartman,"Because I thought it was a jelly doughnut, but look, check it out, it's all bloody."
Sharon,Are you guys still playing that video game?
Stan,"Yeah. Hey Mom, Cartman found a bloody cotton thing in the bathroom."
Cartman,"Look.  But I don't think it's for usin', I think it's just for lookin' through."
Sharon,"Eric, put that down!"
Cartman,Why?
Sharon,Just go put it back in the trashcan!
Cartman,"Hey, it's like all bloody. It might be alive."
Sharon,No that... that came from me; just put it away.
Cartman,This came out of you?? You just left it in the trashcan?!  You shouldn'ta done that. He's just a boih. Poor little feller.
Stan,"What is it, Mom?"
Kyle,"Yeah, what it is, Mrs. Marsh?"
Sharon,"Boys, that a... feminine thing. Alright, it's a personal, woman thing.  I tell you what: If you'll just drop the whole thing right now, I'll buy you that new video game console you've been wanting."
Stan,The 2001 Okama GameSphere?
Sharon,Sure.
Kyle,Cool!
Cartman,"Wow, this is like finding trashcan gold, you guiys!"
Stan,There it is. The Okama GameSphere.
Kyle,"Dude, it's got a hundred twenty eight gigahertz D-RAM."
Stan,What's that?
Kyle,"Don't know, but it kicks ass.  Wow, dude, you're the luckiest kid in South Park."
Cartman,"Hey, this is all of ours. I'm the one who found Stan's aborted brother in the trashcan and blackmailed his mom into getting the GameSphere."
Stan,"Alright, alright, but you guys gotta see if you can sleep over for the rest of the weekend.  It's Saturday at 2:30 - that means we have... 39 hours to play GameSphere until school on Monday!"
Kenny,(Woohoo!)
Kyle,"Awesome!  Oh, crap."
Stan,What?
Kyle,I'm supposed to go to the lake with my family tomorrow and swim and play in the stupid sun.
Stan,"Dude, we got GameSphere."
Kyle,"I know, I know. Well, look: I'll stay over anyway so I can play for... eighteen hours, and then I'll go to the lake."
Towelie,Don't forget to bring a towel.
Stan,What?
Towelie,"When you get out of the water you need to dry off right away to avoid catchin' a cold. That's why Towelie says, ""Don't forget to bring a towel."""
Stan,...O-kay.
Kyle,"Thanks, Towelie."
Towelie,Do you wanna get high?
Stan,No.
Kyle,"Anyway, that will give me plenty of time playing video games."
Cartman,"Kyle, I think you underestimate Okama GameSphere."
Sharon,"Here you go, boys."
Boys,AAAAAA.
Kyle,"Okay, turn it on."
TV,"""Okama GameSphere""!"
Boys,Whoa!
TV,Thirst For BLOOD!
Cartman,"Oh yeah, Thirst for Blood. Bring it."
Kyle,"Oh, this is so cool."
Cartman,"Bring it, bring it!"
Sharon,"Goodnight, boys. Don't stay up too late."
Stan,"G'night Mom, thanks for GameSphere."
Cartman,"Yeah, but you still shouldn'ta done that. 'E's just a boih."
Randy,What?
Sharon,"Nothing. Come on, Randy."
Kyle,"Yeahyeah, Mom. I-I can't go to the lake. No, S-stan's having emotional problems and I need to help see him through it. He's got-  wha-what is it?"
Cartman,Date-rape psychosis.
Kyle,"Date-rape something. Yeah. Okay. I will. Okay, thanks, Mon.  I don't have to go outside!"
Cartman,Awesome!
Kyle,"She said it's fine, but that I still have to go to baseball practice tonight.."
Stan,"Oh, yeah, we got baseball practice today. God damnit!"
Cartman,We shouldn't have this many responsibilities! We're children!
Stan,"Well, it's alright. We can still play for  six more hours, and then we'll go play baseball."
Towelie,Don't forget to bring a towel.
Kyle,Uh no.
Towelie,"When you're playin' sports, the sweat can get in your face. That's why Towelie says, ""Always keep an extra towel in your duffel bag."""
Stan,"Okay, we will."
Towelie,Alright!  Do you wanna get high?
Kyle,No we don't wanna get high!
Towelie,Okay... You sure?
Cartman,"Yes! Go away, you stupid towel!"
Stan,"Oh, dude! Did you see that? I cut off your face and ate it!"
Cartman,That's... so... cool!
Sharon,"Okay, boys, that's it. You have to go now."
Stan,"No no, it's okay, Mom. We c-we can't go to baseball practice 'cause Kyle has cancer."
Sharon,"No, Stanley, it's Monday morning. You have to go to school."
Cartman,It's Monday?
Stan,"Oh, uh, I'm sick."
Kyle,Me too.
Sharon,"No, you're not sick. Now get to school.  All of you."
Stan,But Mom...
Sharon,Go!
Boys,Aagh!
Stan,Can't believe we have to go to school!
Kyle,"Yeah, real life is so boring and stupid."
Stan,We just have to try and make the day go as fast as possible so we can get back to GameSphere.
Commander,"Hello, boys, how are you?"
Stan,Fine.
Commander,"Say, boys, this may sound a little ...odd, but... have you see a ...talking ...towel around anywhere."
Kyle,What? You mean Towelie?
Commander,"Echo, this is Garrett. I've got a code 5 at...  Park County, Colorado! Repeat! Code 5, Park County, Colorado!"
Cartman,"What, dude?"
Stan,This is gonna be one looong-ass day.
Stan,That was the longest day of school ever!
Kyle,"Come on, hurry. I bet we can get to level 29!"
Kyle,Where is it?
Stan,It... it was right here.
Kyle,Where the hell is it??
Cartman,"Come on, man, this isn't funny!  I need my fix!"
Stan,Hello?
Voice,"If you ever wanna see your Okama GameSphere again, you will bring us the towel."
Stan,What? Who-who is this?
Voice,Just get the towel and meet us at the gas station outside of town. Or else!
Stan,Don't hurt it!
Kyle,What?
Stan,They've taken it. They've taken our Okama GameSphere.
Cartman,No! ...No!
Kyle,"Uh-uh-uh what do you mean ""they've taken it""? Oh, this isn't happening! This isn't happening!!"
Stan,Towelie!
Cartman,"Hey, towel!"
Kyle,Where the hell is he?
Kenny,(I don't know. Where could it be?)
Stan,"I don't know. They guy on the phone thought we had Towelie, so now we gotta find him."
Kyle,What has this world come to? Where people can just... take your Okama GameSphere.
Cartman,Hey maybe we'd better do a towel call.  Gebaayybeh!  Gebaayybeh!
Kyle,That's a towel call?
Stan,This is hopeless. We're never gonna find him.
Kyle,"Hey, wait a minute. Towelie always showed up to give us towel advice when we'd said something about water."
Stan,"Hey yeah.  Well guys, let's go to the swimming pool!  Aaah. Let's go take a shower!  Let's go waterskiing!"
Towelie,Don't forget to bring a towel.
Kyle,There he is!
Towelie,Be sure to bring a towel so you don't get aaall wet. .
Stan,"Come on, dude!"
Towelie,Where are we goin'?
Kyle,Just come on! It's getting dark.
Towelie,Are we gonna get high?
Kyle,Are you sure this is where they said to be?
Stan,They said the gas station outside of town.
Towelie,"Well, I'm gonna get a little high."
Man,Hold it!
Stan,Who is that?
Man,Step... away... from the towel!
Official,"There you are, towel. We've been looking all over for you."
Towelie,"If you ever go to a hotel, be sure to bring your own towel."
Official,"It isn't safe for you out here, towel. There are people out here to mean to harm you."
Stan,"'Scuse me, can we have our Okama GameSphere back? We just wanna play video games."
Official,Your what?
Kyle,"Agh! Look, dude, we're on level 24, about to cross into the Caverns of Madness!"
Official,I don't know what you're talking about.
Stan,You called us and said if we brought the towel you'd give us our video game back.
Official,"Omigod!  IT""S A TRAP!!"
Man 2,Cover! Cover!
Stan,"Goddamnit, what now?!"
Official,"Run, towel!"
Stan,"Agh. Come on, they've gotta have our video game around here somewhere."
Soldier 1,Where's the towel?!
Soldier 2,"It can't be far!  Alvarez, you and Mitchell sweep left!"
Guard,Hurry! You must get the towel back to Tynacorp!
Stan,Where is our Okama GameSphere?
Guard,"Get the towel home  They will explain everything. Please, hurry!"
Kyle,"Aw, God-damnit!"
Stan,"Do you know where he's talking about, Towelie?"
Towelie,"What? Oh yeah, back at the base. It's a long ways away."
Stan,"Alright, we're gonna have to use this truck. Come on, guys."
Commander,Well?
Soldier,"They've gone, sir. It's like they've vanished out of thin air."
Commander,Damnit! I knew those boys were protecting that towel.  They must have some unexplainable bond with it.
Soldier 2,"Perhaps they're telepathically linked to the towel, sir, like E.T."
Commander,"It could already be anywhere, hiding out again. No, the time for being nice is over. We must instigate... Plan B."
Soldier 3,You mean...?
Commander,Yes.  Destroy all towels within a thousand mile radius.
Kyle,Are we getting close?
Towelie,I think so.
Stan,"A little more gas, Kenny."
Kyle,How long has it been since you've been back there.
Towelie,"I've been wanderin' around on my own for the past few weeks. You know, helpin' people out with towel safety and proper towel use. It's important."
Cartman,No it isn't.
Towelie,Is!
Cartman,No it isn't.
Towelie,"Is! Wait, turn down here. It's down this dirt road."
Stan,"Brake, Kenny, brake."
Cartman,Egh!
Towelie,M-maybe it's down that dirt road.
Stan,"Dude, don't you remember where it is?"
Towelie,"I can't remember, it all looks the same. Hold on, let me get high.  then I'll remember where it is."
Stan,"Alright, so where is it?"
Towelie,Where's what?
Boys,Agh!
Kyle,The base where you're from and where our Okama GameSphere is!
Stan,"Alright, that does it! Brake angrily, Kenny!  Now listen, Towelie, we've just about had it with you!"
Towelie,Well calm down.
Kyle,That's it!  You're not getting high again until we have our Okama GameSphere back!
Towelie,"That's my last joint, asshole!"
Kyle,I don't care! You'd better remember where your base is!
Towelie,"Oh man, why is everyone riding me today? God-damnit."
Woman,"Kevin? Don't forget to wrap the potato salad in aluminum foil.  Kevin, is that you?"
Soldier,Harris! Reach bang and clear!
Woman,Hello?  WAAH!  Ohmigod! Oh no! Ohmigod!
Soldier,"Alright, it's clear! It's clear!"
Soldiers,HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
Soldier,Let's go let's go!
Soldier,Get it!
Mr. Garrison,What the?
Soldier,Throw it down!
Mr. Garrison,"Oh alright, have your way with me if you must! Go on, fulfill you sick pleasures!"
Soldier,"Alright, let's go!"
Mr. Garrison,Huh where are you goin'?
Cartman,This is where you came from?
Towelie,"Yeah, I think so.  Oh man."
Stan,What?
Towelie,I'm so high right now. I have no idea what's goin' on.
Research Leader,"Welcome home, Smart Towel RG-400."
Stan,"Ah hi, is this where our Okama GameSphere is?"
Kyle,We're missing out on some quality video game time right now.
Research Leader,"Thank you for bringing him to us, boys. You see, this is not an ordinary towel. He is the RG-400 Smart Towel, designed with a computer chip inside the terry cloth"
Stan,We don't care.
Research Leader,"You see, here at Tynacorp, our goal was to make the perfect towel. A towel that would sense how wet or dry the user's skin was and fluff itself accordingly."
Stan,"Dude, we don't care."
Research Leader,"Towelie was our greatest success. Smart enough to beat the average human at chess and absorbent enough to soak up even the toughest spills. But then one day, Towelie got high and just sort of wandered off."
Stan,We... don't... care.
Kyle,"All we wanna know is, who has our Okama GameSphere?"
Research Leader,"Ah yes, your video game. I'm afraid that what we all experienced was a trap. They called you and said to bring the towel, and then they called us and said they were bringing Towelie back. Their plan was to wipe us all out with one fell swoop."
Kyle,Who's they?
Research Leader,"Why, the military. You see, after Towelie got high and wandered off from here, the military got a hold of him. They wanted to turn Towelie into a weapon of mass destruction."
Stan,"Don't care, don't care, don't care."
Research Leader,"Towelie was at their base for months as they tried to copy his TNA. But then, one day, Towelie got high and just sort of wandered off. Again."
Cartman,"Goddamnit! Can we please... just get back to playing our video game, PLEASE?!"
Research Leader,"I'm afraid not. Because your Okama GameSphere is at ""their"" base."
Stan,"Can you tell us where ""that"" is, please?"
Research Leader,You mean to go right into their base?  Of course. The entry code should still be in Towelie's memory banks. You could sneak him in there and recover his TNA. Great plan.
Soldier,"Sir! Sergeant Masters and Boll are reporting, sir!"
Commander,"Ah yes.  Tell me, Marine, did you accomplish your primary goal?"
Sgt. Masters,Sir yes sir! All towels have been destroyed! The Smart Towel is no doubt eliminated.
Commander,Ahh. And you're... quite sure of this.
Sgt. Boll,"Eh yes sir, there isn't a towel left within a hundred miles."
Commander,"Hmm...  So perhaps, then, you can explain to me why we just got footage of the towel returning to Tynacorp?!"
Sgt. Masters,Oo we...
Sgt. Boll,"He must have outsmarted us, sir."
Commander,Well I'm through playing hide and seek! We've got no other choice! Prepare to blow up all of Colorado!
Research Leader,In a moment we will be over the base. This is the only way in. Any attempts on the ground would be easily spotted by guard posts.
Kyle,Okay.
Research Leader,"I hate to send you back in there, Towelie, but only you have their security system in your memory banks."
Towelie,That's alright. It's always good to bring a towel.
Research Leader,"Good luck, boys. The fate of the world is depending on you."
Stan,"We're not doing it for the world, we're doing it for our video game. God, are you deaf?"
Guard,"Alright, boys. When you drop from the plane, cover and roll. Got it?"
Stan,Yeah.
Guard,Go go go go!
Kyle,"Dude, I figured it out."
Stan,What?
Kyle,"If we can go in, and get the GameSphere in 30 minutes, we could still be back at your house playing video games by midnight!"
Stan,"So that'd be, like what, eight hours we could play before school?"
Kyle,Seven and a half.
Stan,"Hurry up, stupid parachute!"
Cartman,"Alright, I think we go over there."
Towelie,Let's see.  No.
Stan,"Come on, Towelie! The guy said you have the security system in your memory banks."
Towelie,Hey it's been a long time!
Cartman,You just have no long-term memory 'cause you get high all the time!
Towelie,"Don't preach to me, fatso!"
Cartman,"I can preach to you all I want, 'cause you're stupid!"
Towelie,You're stupid!
Cartman,"Yeah, and you're a towel!"
Towelie,You're a towel!  Just let me get high. I know I can remember if I get high.
Stan,"Oh, God damnit! Alright, fine!  Here's your stupid lighter."
Towelie,Hold on.  Wait a second  That's it!
Kyle,That's it?
Towelie,"Yeah. That's the melody to ""Funky Town.""  Won't ya take me down... to Funky Town."
Stan,"No, Towelie, the entry code!"
Towelie,For what?
Stan,"God-damnit, I guess we're gonna have to climb the stupid fence."
Kyle,Well let's look in here.
Towelie Clone,Kill... me... Kill... me.
Towelie,Oh my God! No-o-o-o!
Commander,Well well well. Look what the cat dragged in.
Towelie,What are these things?
Commander,"Genetic copies we tried to make with your TNA. They didn't work too well, I'm afraid."
Towelie Clone,Kill... me.
Stan,Do you have our Okama GameSphere?
Commander,"You did very well to get the towel this far, boys. I wonder: What did they tell you at Tynacorp? That the big, bad government wanted to genetically engineer a Towelie as a weapon? Now let me tell you the real story."
Stan,"Oh God, don't care, don't care."
Commander,"Yes, we've been trying to make our own genetic copies of the towel, but only because we had to. You see, when we started spying on Tynacorp, we discovered a certain, terrifying secret."
Soldier,Go on! Ask him what terrifying secret.
Kyle,What terrifying secret?
Commander,That Tynacorp was making these towels to take over the world!
Cartman,"We're never gonna play our Okama GameSphere again, are we?"
Commander,"Don't you see what genetically enhanced smart towels like these are capable of? You get out of the shower and dry yourself off. But even after you're dry, the towel makes you more dry. It keeps getting you drier and drier.  Can you imagine it? What it would feel like to be way, way too dry? I'll tell you something: You don't want to know. And I don't know."
Kyle,And we don't care.
Commander,"You've been double-crossed by Tynacorp, kids. They set this all up to get you in here and take us down."
Stan,So let me get this straight: Our Okama GameSphere is back at Tynacorp.
Commander,Oh yes. It has been all along.
Soldier,"Can I kill the towel now, sir?"
Kyle,Go ahead.
Commander,"No, wait.  Perhaps now, we can use their own towel against them. These boys must return to Tynacorp, and we will launch a sneak attack on Tynacorp as well.  You boys can take the towel to Tynacorp's central core, and upload this encryption disk into their system, bringing them down once and for all."
Stan,But we don't care!
Official 1,What the hell is this?! The towel was supposed to go in there and then run its own self-destruct sequence!
Research Leader,The towel has a will of its own. It's... learning compassion.
Official 2,We don't have the manpower to hold off the entire military AND stop those wonderboys from getting to the core!
Research Leader,Then we have no choice. We'll have to test the new prototype a little... earlier.
GS-401,Don't forget to bring a towel!
Commander,"Alright, boys, take the towel back in there and say your mission was accomplished.  Then upload this encryption disk into their computers."
Stan,We're just going in to get our video game back.
Commander,"If anything goes wrong, use this newly-developed photon rifle."
Kyle,"Photon rifle, whatever."
Stan,"Hello? Hello, anybody here?"
GS-401,"Welcome to the party, boys!  HAAARRRHHHH!!"
Towelie,Oooh. Ooohh! Oh boy.
GS-401,HAAARRRHHHH!!
Research Leader,"So, you thought you could outsmart us, did you kids?"
Commander,"Aaaaarrrr. Move move move move move move!  Don't make a move, you bastards!"
Research Leader,"Bring the towel here, boys. They can't shoot children."
Commander,Don't listen to them. They lied to you before.
Research Leader,"Oh yes, boys. Obey your government! Well perhaps it's time these boys knew what was really gong on!"
Stan,"Ohmigod, look!"
Kyle,Our GameSphere!
Stan,"Aw, sweet, it still saved our plays."
Research Leader,"You see boys, I'm afraid you were double-crossed. If they were the military, why wouldn't they just attack us to begin with? Because they're not the military!"
Commander,"Alright, maybe we lied to you, but it was to protect your own skin! We are a resistance group pretending to be the military to bring Tynacorp down!"
Cartman,"Whoa, check it out, guys, the parachute level."
Kyle,Sweet!
Commander,But perhaps we should show these kids who Tynacorp really is made up of. Go on! Tell them why you've been making towels! Zytar!
Stan,"Oh, there's gold. Get the gold, Kenny!"
Zytar,Our planet was dying! We had no choice but to find a new one! Manufacturing Smart Towels was our way to spy on humans to see how they lived.
Commander,"And now you know the horrible truth, boys."
Zytar,"Truth or no, your alien-murdering group is over!"
Cartman,Could you turn it up?
Commander,"Boys, try to reach the core override! We've got no choice but to try to take them all out!  I think I can get it from here, boys!"
Zytar,What are you doing? You'll kill us all!
Commander,"Sorry, Zytar. Didn't your mom ever tell you? Don't mess with earthlings."
Boys,Oooww!
Cartman,"Hup hup. Come on, hang on."
"Stan, Kyle",Whoa.
Kenny,(Help help! Heeelllppp!)
Cartman,Kenny!
Kenny,(Nooo!)
Kyle,Oh my God! Our GameSphere! You've gotta move me closer!
Stan,"Hurry up, Kyle! This place is coming apart!"
GS-401,What are you doing?
Towelie,"Get away from me, you evil towel!"
GS-401,"Towelie, listen to me. Let them go. Drop them."
Towelie,No way! They're my friends!
GS-401,"They aren't your friends! Humans have ruined the planet, killed off their own environment! Their time is over. It is the towels' turn now."
Kyle,I've almost got it!
GS-401,"You're going to let them go, Towelie! Because... I know your weakness.  Here. You can reach it. Come on, Towelie! How long has it been since you've had a nice burn, huh?! Twenty, thirty seconds?!"
Stan,"Aw, crap!"
GS-401,"You're going to have to choose between their lives, and, getting high."
Towelie,You asshole.
Cartman,"Towelie, don't let go of us, you God-damned towel! Kyle's almost there!"
GS-401,"Come, Towelie! Make your decision!"
Towelie,I-I-I choose... I-I-I choose... both!
Kyle,I got it!
GS-401,Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Stan,"Come on, guys. Let's go play video games!"
"Kyle, Towelie",Alright!
Cartman,Hooray!
Stan,"Oh, dude, we finished level 50!"
Kyle,Awesome!
Towelie,"Oh, man, I have no idea what's goin' on."
Kyle,Check it out: Now we're going into the secret underground base.
Stan,"Alright, guys, focus. Looks like this is gonna be an underwater level."
Towelie,Don't forget to bring a towel.
Cartman,"You're the worst character ever, Towelie."
Towelie,I know.
Kyle,...Remember when life used to be simple and cool?
Cartman,...Not really.
Butters,"Uh, hey!  How's it goin', fellas?"
Stan,"Butters, what the hell are you doing?"
Butters,"Huh, well, I'm just standin' around bein' a kid. Why? How come you're all wearing those spooky spaceman masks?"
Kyle,"These are gas masks, Butters!"
Stan,"Yeah! If you don't have a gas mask, you're gonna get smallpox or anthrax!"
Butters,"What?!  Oh, Jesus! I don't wanna get the 'thrax, fellas! Uh, what do I do?"
Stan,There's nothing you can do except stop breathing.
Butters,Stop breathin'?
Kyle,"Yeah, you can't get it if you don't breathe."
Butters,"Well. Alright, then."
Officer Barbrady,"Well okay. Next?  Next?  Let's see: Hotties, Juicy, Whoppers...  Okay, next?  A-ha! What the hell are you doin' with this?!"
Cartman,Those are my Hootie Owlie Round-Tip Scissors.
Officer Barbrady,These are a weapon!
Cartman,"Awww, come onnn! How am I gonna kill people with those?"
Officer Barbrady,I'll think of a way. Now move along!
Cartman,God-damnit!
Officer Barbrady,"Alright, next!  Okay, clear."
Tweek,"Oh, Jesus, man! They're gonna get me!  Oh Christ!  they might - could get me."
Ms. Choksondik,"Alright class, as some of you may have heard, the President has asked that American children all send one dollar to the children of Afghanistan.  So I have a list of addresses and we're goin' to all chip in."
Cartman,HA! I'm not giving a dollar to those towelheads!
Ms. Choksondik,"Eric, the Afghan people need our help!"
Cartman,"Oh, I'm sorry, but I thought we were at war with these assholes!"
Wendy,"We're at war with terrorists, fatass, not with Afghanistan! And the only reason that you care is that you don't wanna give up the dollar!"
Cartman,"That dollar buys me a chocolate milk for lunch! What, do you want me to just get a regular milk for ten cents?  Now look, it isn't our fault that terrorists hate us. We're just kids. We're not the ones bombing them now, we're- we're just kids.  There's a lot of crazy stuff goin' on in the world, but, we're caught in the middle. It's not our fault."
Wendy,"The Afghan kids are caught in the middle, too!"
Cartman,"Yes, but they're sand monkeys!"
Ms. Choksondik,"Alright, children, we are all sending a dollar to the kids in Afghanistan! That's it! End of discussion!"
Cartman,"God-damnit, I hate regular milk!!!"
Afghan Boys,"Awww!Well, let's go watch a movie.Awww!What do we do now?Let's go play at my house. There's nothing else we can do. See guys, my parents are home. I hate it when they drop bombs.What do we do now?"
Reporter,"Another high-alert status for terrorists activity this weekend.  The government said ""bad things are likely to happen.""  Meanwhile, the world continues to back down from their support of the United States  saying that they were really only kidding to begin with."
Stan,"Hey Mom, door bell's ringin'."
Sharon,Can huh get th'ere 'or me?
Randy,"Hey, Sharon? Maybe you should stop watchin' the news for a little bit?  Shu-Sharon, you've been watching CNN for about ah... eight weeks now. Don't you wanna watch somethin' else?  Shu-Shu-Sharon?"
Stan,"Hey, look at what the postman brought me! It's a big brown package from Afghanistan!"
Sharon,"Weh, that's nahice."
Stan,We sent the Afghani kids some dollars - they must have sent us something cool in return! &lt;/i&gt; Do you have some scissors to get this open?
Randy,"Stanley, your mother's a little freaked out right now. Why don't you go play with your big brown package from Afghanistan outside?"
Stan,Well alright.
"Randy, Sharon",Big brown package from Afghanistan??!!
Kyle,"Dude, what's going on?"
Stan,We got a package from the kids we sent dollars to. They sent us something back.
Hazmat man,"Prelims show negative, sir."
Official,Then we're gonna have to blow it!
Two SWAT men,Yes sir!!
Tweek,"AAHH! This is it, man! It's over!"
Richard,"Tweek, calm down. Have some coffee."
Official,Open!
Goat,Mma-a-a-a-a-a-a.
Stan,"Oh, it's just a goat."
People,Oohhh.
Blond Man,"Look, it's a goat."
Man 1,Awww.
Brunet Man,A precious goat.
Goat,Ba-a-a-a-a.
Stan,"Hey there, little guy."
Official,Stay away from it! Terrorists could have given that goat anthrax or smallpox before sending it over! Johnson!!  Check the goat for diseases!
Johnson,"Yes sir!  The goat seems to be clean, sir!"
Stan,I told you: those Afghan kids just wanted to give us something back for giving them four dollars.
Cartman,"Heh, four dollars for a goat? We got ripped off."
Official,"Alright, men, this area is secure. Let's head out!"
Kyle,Well what are we supposed to do with it?
Goat,Ba-a-a-a-a.
Stan,"Yu- you're gonna have to take it home with you, Kyle."
Kyle,"Dude, my mom won't even let me have a hamster."
Stan,Kenny?
Kenny,"(No fuckin' way, dude!)"
Stan,My parents will never let me keep a goat
Cartman,"Well, I guess we're gonna have to kill it."
Stan,"No, we're not gonna kill it, Cartman! We'll just have to  take the return address and mail it back to the kids in Afghanistan. Come on, goat."
Goat,Ba-a-a-a-a.
Kyle,"Uh oh, they're closing!"
Stan,"Excuse me, we wanna overnight this goat to Afghanistan, please?"
Postman,Excuse me?
Cartman,"It's an Afghanistan goat, so it can't stay here, or else it'll choke on the sweet air of freedom."
Kyle,Yeah.
Postman,"Afghanistan?  H-I'm sorry boys, but our planes aren't flying there."
Stan,They're not.
Goat,Ma-a-a-a-a-a-a.
Postman,The only planes goin' to Afghanistan are the military planes over at the base. I'm sorry.
Stan,"Well yeah! The military planes. Come on, goat, we'll put you on one of them."
Kyle,"Stan, I don't think we're supposed to be in the military base. They might shoot us."
Stan,I don't care! We're going!
Towelie,Don't forget to bring a towel.
The Boys,Aaagh!
Cartman,"Oh no, not Towelie."
Towelie,"When goin' someplace new, you should always bring a towel."
Stan,"Okay, thanks, Towelie."
Towelie,Do you wanna get high?
Cartman,"No, we don't wanna get high!!"
Towelie,"You mean, you don't want Towelie around?"
Cartman,That's right!
Towelie,So am I to understand that there's been a ...Towelie ban?...
The Boys,Awww!
Stan,"Goddamnit, get the hell out of here, Towelie!"
Towelie,"Alright, see ya."
General,"Alright, troops. We depart for Afghanistan in five minutes! Let's move out!"
Stan,"Alright, come on. We just gotta get the goat on one of these planes."
Soldier 1,"Isn't this exciting, Tony?  We're finally gonna see some action."
Tony,"Yeah, and uh, I hear that as soon as we land we get a USO show."
Soldier 1,We do!  Stevie Nicks is goin' to perform.
Tony,"Hoh, Stevie Nicks. Huh, I love her!"
Stan,"Okay, it's clear. Come on!"
Soldier,Hey you!
Tony,What the hell do you think you're doing here?!
Goat,...Ba-a-a-a-a.
Tony,"H-uh, I'm sorry, Miss Nicks, uh.  Hey guys, this is Stevie Nicks."
Soldier 2,Oh wow!
Goat,...Ma-a-a-a-a.
Soldier 3,"Uh, can I get a picture?"
Soldier 4,"Miss Nicks. Over here, Miss Nicks!"
Goat,...Ma-a-a-a-a.
Tony,"Oh... M- Miss Nicks, I... I don't wanna bother you, but... could you sing a quick Fleetwood Mac for us. Could ya?"
Other Soldiers,"Oh yeah. Please. Come on, come on. Please. Yeah."
Goat,...Ma-a-a-a-a. Ma-a-a-a-a.
Soldiers,Oh! No way! That was wild! That was great!
Soldier 3,Wait till I tell my sister about this; she is gonna flip!
Stan,"Well, uh, we've gotta get Miss Nicks on the plane to Afghanistan, guys."
Tony,"Oh, can we just get a-"
Stan,"Ah, sorry. Miss Nicks isn't answering any more questions."
Tony,"Oh, sure, we understand. Move along."
Soldier 3,...She looks great.
Tony,She looks great.
Stan,"'K, let's put him on here."
Goat,Ma-a-a-a-a.
Stan,"Shhh. There we go. You're gonna be okay, goat. You'll be back in Afghanistan in about 20 hours."
Cartman,"Stan, if you're finished having your tearful goodbye with the goat, we'd like to go now, please?"
Pilot,"Alright, tango clear."
The Boys,Waaah!
Pilot,Let's head out.
Cartman,"Aw, son of a bitch!"
Kyle,"Hey, wait! There are children in here!"
Kenny,"(Oh, shit, we're locked in.)"
Goat,Ma-a-a-a-a.
Stan,"Dude, looks like we're going tooh... Afghanistan."
Kyle,Going to Afghanistan? Locked in a small space for 20 hours? How could things get any worse?
Boys,Awww!
Kenny,(Ee-hew-hoo!)
Cartman,"Uh ho, you guys."
General,"Welcome to Afghanistan, troops! Get your gear ready and report to the barracks at o-nine hundred!"
Soldiers,Sir yes sir!
Kyle,"Oh God, it was horrible!"
Stan,Twenty hours!
Kenny,"(God-damn, it stinks like shit!)"
Goat,Ma-a-a-a-a!
Pilot,What the hell?
Kyle,Cartman farted in there! We had to breath it in for 20 hours!
Cartman,It didn't smell that bad; you guys are overreacting.
Pilot,I don't smell any- boh! Oh God!  Hohhgh!  Blagh!  Bleeaagghh
Cartman,"Uh, whatever!"
Kyle,"You sonofabitch, Cartman!  You don't fart when you're locked in a small space with other people!"
Cartman,"Oh, I'm sorry! Next time I'll just ask my fart nicely if it wouldn't mind staying tucked away for a while!"
Stan,"Alright alright, let's just get the goat back to his home!  We have to find this address."
Goat,Ma-a-a-a-a.
Cartman,"God, what a craphole, dude! This is like East Denver! Jesus Chru-heist!"
Kyle,"Dude, no wonder terrorists come from places like this! If I grew up here, I'd be pissed off, too!"
Stan,Hey look! There's a taxi!
Performer,Haa-aa-aa.
Stan,Hello. We need to go...  here.
Cartman,What is this? The freakin' Flintstones?
Kyle,Is this the right house?
Stan,I think so.
Akmarh,"شما چیزی می‌فروشید؟ ""You guys selling something?"""
Stan,"A-ah, hi. We're from America.  Uh, we sent you the dollar? Uh, the four dollars? You, you sent us this goat?"
Akmarh,Goat?
Goat,Ma-a-a-a-a.
Stan,Here. Wu-we don't want it.
Akmarh,"Oh, you want something else? All we had was the goat. Your country bombed everything else."
Stan,"No, dude, we're n- we're not ungrateful. It's just... none of us can keep the goat."
Cartman,"It was choking on the sweet air of freedom in America, so we brought it back to your crappy country."
Stan,"Oh uh, and here.  Take this American flag as... a gift."
Afghan Boys,Yaaay.
Kyle,Hey! What the hell are you doing?!
Stan,"Yeah, they told us in school that everyone but terrorists love America."
Fat Boy,Huh!&#160;!آمریکایی‌ها با خوک می‌خوابن Americans are pig fuckers!
Cartman,What did you call us?!
Akmarh,Your country is the evil empire! Your government wants to rule the world! But your values and your spirituality are in the guh-ter!
Kyle,Then why did you send us the goat?
Boy in Blue Vest,"Because, in Afghanistan, we have pride. If you send us something, we must send something in return."
Akmarh,"It doesn't mean we don't still hate you. Now, get out of here!"
Stan,"Hey! Hey, open the door!"
Cartman,I told you! Jawas have no heart.
Kyle,Jawas?
Cartman,"You know, sand people."
Stan,How come they hate America so much? What the hell did we do?
Goat,Ma-a-a-a-a.
Kyle,"Well, we tried, dude. If anyone else in this craphole hates Americans, we'd better just leave the goat and get back to the plane!"
Stan,"Alright.  Oh look, he's following us. It's so sad."
Cartman,"God, I hate you so much, Stan!"
Stan,What?  Howdy.
Kyle,"Um...  Greetings from Canada.  Well boys, it's aboot time we get to our hoose in Canada, isn't it?"
Cartman,"Ey, what the hell are you talking about?!  I'm not a god-damned Canadian, and neither are you!"
Stan,"Cartman, you stupid asshole!"
Protester,...Osama bin Laden!
Kyle,"Good job, fatass!"
Cartman,"Dude, don't call me a Canadian!"
Stan,You've gotta listen to me! We're not spies!
Cartman,"Look, I think I can explain everything. You see, my friend Stan here is an oversensitive animal lover. He's got a boner for this goat, a-"
Voice,Amaar madmallah
Osama bin Laden,"Oooo, alamalamalamalaah."
Kyle,"Oh crap, it's him!"
Goat,Ma-a-a-a-a.
Osama bin Laden,Amalama hamahamahama?  Una Haqa mala
Cartman,"Ogh! Dude, it's called deodorant, okay? It's not expensive."
Osama bin Laden,"Haqaama hamahalahamahaqa.  U bataqataqaa maladala. Ameriqa la tabakabaka haka haqadaqadaqa  Haqahaqa, daaqadaqa!"
Cameraman,Aaaaand... cut!
Stan,"Dude, these people are insane."
SNN reporter,"...as more and more case of terrorist-related AIDS continues to grow. And this just in: the Taliban has apparently taken American civilians as hostages. The Taliban has just released this videotape , in which it is clearly visible that they have indeed captured  Stevie Nicks. Miss Nicks appears to be in good spirits, though her whereabouts are unknown."
Randy,"Hey, Sh- Sharon? Ha- have you seen Stan in the last couple... days?"
Sharon,Yes. I just saw him.
Randy,Oh okay.
SNN Reporter,"With Stevie Nicks in captivity, the other members of Fleetwood Mac have been hidden so the Taliban can't get to them as well."
Tony,They... took Stevie Nicks?
Soldier 2,"Bastards! Heartless, gutless bastards!"
General,Alright men! Grab your guns and your Bibles! We are going to get Miss Nicks back!
Soldiers,Hooray!!!
SNN Reporter,"The Taliban's video also shows what appears to be four American children in captivity, though they could just be French."
Akmarh,We have to help them.
Fat Boy,Do you say??
Akmarh,They are not espies. They came to give us our goat back.
Boy in Blue Vest,Screw them! They are evil Americans!
Akmarh,"I know! But if we don't help the innocent ones, then we are no better than the Americans are."
Fat Boy,Help the Americans? That doesn't make sense.
Akmarh,"Dude, we are espeaking English right now. Does that make sense??"
Boy in Blue Vest,"Alright, let's go."
Fat Boy,"!ای لعنت ""Oh, goddammit!"""
Osama bin Laden,"Aw, jihad, jihad.  Oh?  Oh, oh! Ameriqa haqa haqa! Dursha! Dapadapadapa!  Hulagugla hugagugahagahaa!"
Osama bin Laden,Qubada durqaana Ameriqanab! Qubada durqaana-
Stan,"Hey, what are you guys doing here?"
Boy in Blue Vest,Shh. We've come to save you.
Kyle,But I thought you hate us.
Boy in Blue Vest,We do.
Kyle,"Cartman, where are you going??"
Cartman,I'm gonna go take care of this prick!
Kyle,"Cartman, he's crazy!"
Cartman,"He's not crazy, he's an idiot. I know how to deal with these people."
Osama bin Laden,A flippity flappity floop! Jihad jihad!
Cartman,"Mehah...  What's up, bin Laden?"
Osama bin Laden,Arrrrrrrrrrrubadubaduba! Durbadurba haq!
Cartman,"Uh oh, 5:30, time to pray.  Allah, Allah, m'heh"
Osama bin Laden,"Taba haqa??  Allah Allah Allah, Allah hakadurrpa durpa adurpa hagalah"
Cartman,Uh oh! Mmm-mm!
Akmarh,We will have to be quick! The Americans are attacking!
Kyle,Where do we go?
Akmarh,Get down!
Boy in Blue Vest,"!اوه الله! کشتن کیوانو ""Oh, my God! They killed Keyvan!"""
Akmarh,"!تو، دیوث ""You bastards!""  You... murdering Americaaans!!"
Stan,"Hey, shut up, kid. America didn't start this war."
Akmarh,"America DID eh-start this war! They eh-started it YEARS ago, when they put their military bases on Muslim holy lands!"
Osama bin Laden,Ramadan!
Cartman,Hey look! An infidel!
Osama bin Laden,Wuut? Peitoqaba!
Cartman,So that's what this is all about?
Osama bin Laden,Ishta fatwa open sesame!
Cartman,Mmmm! Tastes like chicken. The ass of a chicken!
Osama bin Laden,Proila foqabam!
Cartman,Woohoo!
General,"We're coming, Miss Nicks! Hang on!"
Goat,Ma-a-a-a! Ma-a-a-a!
Kyle,"All right, I've had just about enough of this! They told us in school, and on TV, that most people in Pakistan and Afghanistan like America."
Boy in Blue Vest,And you believe it? It is not just the Taliban that hates America. Over a third of the world hates America!
Stan,But why? Why does a third of the world hate us?
Boy in Blue Vest,"Because, you don't realize that a third of the world hates you!!!"
Stan,...That doesn't make sense. You guys are just buttholes!
Akmarh,You're butt-holes!
"Stan, Kyle",You're buttholes!
Female voice,Youhoo.
Cartman,Haduqaduqaduqa.  Huqadukadukadukaduuu.
Osama bin Laden,"Oh bella, bella falafel. Mi amore. Fatwa, fatwa. Ahh, de vino! Mi fatwa! J'ai une fatwa!"
Kyle,"Do you really think your civilization is better than ours?! You people play games by killing animals, and oppress women!"
Boy in Blue Vest,It's better than a civilization that spends its time watching millionaires walk down the red carpet at the Emmys!
Stan,"...He's got us there, dude."
Tony,I got her. I got Stevie Nicks.
Goat,Me-e-e-eh.
Cartman,There you are! Where have you been? We have another anti-American video to create!
Osama bin Laden,"Oh, dapidiuta ako."
Cartman,"Hur-ry, get into wardrobe!  Oh hur-ry up, will you hur-ry?!  Oh, you look marvelous, dahling."
Osama bin Laden,Haqa hamahama.
Cartman,"Come on! The cameras are ready!  Alright, there we go. Let's roll cameras.  Oh, and here's your microphone."
Osama bin Laden,Ogh. America adirqadirqa-  Uh ohhh.
Osama and the Taliban Soldiers,HAAAAAAGH!
General,We've done it! The Taliban is destroyed!
Soldiers,Hoorayyy!!
Kyle,Wow! I guess Cartman really did take care of them.
Osama bin Laden,Terrorists is the craziest peoples. Eheeee!
Soldier,I got him! I got him!
Boy in Blue Vest,"Well, it looks like the Taliban and bin Laden are finally out of power."
Akmarh,"Yeup, you don't need us anymore."
Stan,"Hey, wait a minute. You know, you guys should know one thing.  Most people in America are good people. We just try to live day by day, like you guys do. Maybe if you took some time to see all the great things about our country, you'd see... we're not so different after all."
Kyle,Yeah.
Boy in Blue Vest,That's fine. But we still hate you.
Stan,"Oh... Well, I guess, maybe, someday, we can learn to... hate you too."
Akmarh,Maybe. In time.
Kyle,I'm confused.
General,"Great job, troops! Once again we have killed our enemies!"
Soldier 5,Hooray!
Soldier 6,"Hooray! Yeah, we sure did!"
General,"The world is now safe, thanks to you. And so now, as promised, here is Fleetwood Mac with Stevie Nicks!"
Soldiers,Whoa. Yeah.
Fleetwood Mac,"Just like the wild winged bird sings a song-Stand back, she's singin'."
Goat,Maaa
Fleetwood Mac,Baby
Goat,Maaa
Fleetwood Mac,Babe
Goat,Maa-ha
Stan,"Come on, let's go get to the plane."
Kyle,Dude! I almost thought those Afghani kids talked you into not liking America.
Stan,"No, dude. America may have some problems, but it's our home. Our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium."
Kyle,Yeah.
Stan,Go America.
Kyle,Go America.  Go Broncos.
Stan,"Yeah, go Broncos."
Cartman,Yeah.
Photographer,"Okay, now lift your chin a little.  Look right here. Right here.  Hey, where's my smile? Come on, I bet you got a smile for me. I-I'm startin' to see a smile.  There it is.  Okay great, next."
Stan,I didn't smile.
Kyle,I hate picture day at school! It's always some gay-ass photographer with some gay-ass backdrop of New England!
Butters,"Ah, hang on a second. My mom said to make sure I look good this time in... the school pictures."
Photographer,"Okay, smile  Okay, next?"
Stan,Did you go yet?
Kyle,No. This is taking forever.
Cartman,You guys! You guys! This is sooo funny!
Kyle,"What, Cartman?"
Cartman,"Dude, check it out: for picture day, Kenny got into his parka backwards, so that his ass shows through his hood. Look! . Kenny, Kenny, over here!"
Kyle,"It isn't that funny, Cartman."
Cartman,Yes it is!
Ms. Choksondik,"Next in line! Come on, let's keep it moving, kids!"
Cartman,"...Don't listen to that Jew, Kenny, it's totally funny."
Photographer,"Take off your hat, please."
Kyle,But I never take off my hat.
Photographer,"Come on now, I bet your parents want a picture of YOU lookin' natural."
Kyle,This is how I look natural.
Ms. Choksondik,"Kyle, we're taking pictures without hats today!"
Kyle,Crap.
Photographer,"Smile! Come on, where's that smile? Is it gonna kill you to smile? I see a smile.  Next!"
Kyle,Gay-ass.
Photographer,"Very nice. Okay, last one?"
Cartman,Uh oh.
Photographer,"Okay, have a seat, young man.  Well, okay, lookin' great. Now where's that smile? Come on, give me a nice, wide smile. Wider. Perfect!"
Cartman,"Huh, how long 'til we get the pictures back?"
Photographer,Should be about four days.
Cartman,"Four days?? Oh man, I can't wait that long!"
Cartman,"Heh, c'mon! C'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon! C'mon c'mon! C'mon c'mon c'mon!"
Ms. Choksondik,"Alright, class, I have your school photos to hand out-"
Cartman,YES! YES!
Ms. Choksondik,"Most of them are very nice. But, apparently, one of you thinks it's fun to spoil their school pictures , and thinks he's a comedian. That person will be spending the afternoon in the principal's office!"
Kenny,"(Aww, that's bullshit!)"
Ms. Choksondik,"School photos aren't for joking around, so you aren't getting your photo back, Butters!"
Butters,Um-me?? Huh but I didn't do nothin'.
Ms. Choksondik,"For the rest of you, I think your pictures turned out very nicely."
Butters,"But, buut, but but what hey! Wait a minute!"
Cartman,Let me see!
Butters,"Bu-but Teacher, I didn't mean to look stupid in my picture. Honest!"
Cartman,"Dude, dude! Check it out! This is the sweetest thing I've ever done!"
Kenny,(You've ever done?!)
Cartman,Look at how the crap ...is sittin' right in the middle!
Ms. Choksondik,"Eric, calm down. I'm trying to yell at Butters!"
Cartman,"Okay, hokay, I'm sorry Ms. Chokesonrocks!"
Ms. Choksondik,"You know very well my name isn't Chokesonrocks, it's Choksondik! Say it right or you can go to the principal's with Butters!"
Cartman,I'm sorry Ms. Choksondik.
Butters,I tried to make a good picture. Honest.
Ms. Choksondik,Your mother is waiting for you in the principal's office.
Butters,"My mom?  Oh, sweet Jesus!"
Cartman,"Hoh, Oh my God! More people have to see this picture, you guys. I'm gonna put it on the Internet or... No, wait! Kenny.  I just had the greatest idea... ever!"
Receptionist,Welcome to South Park Milk Company. Can I help you?
Cartman,"Oh, yes, hello. I am helping out a family who has a missing child, and I was wondering if you could print his photo on your milk carton?"
Receptionist,"Oh, of course. Printing those photos on our milk really does help. Do you have the photo with you?"
Cartman,"Yes, I have it right hmya."
Receptionist,"O-okay, great. We'll print it immediately."
Cartman,"You will?  Ah.  Oh, ah, thank you for your help."
Receptionist,Sure. If I could get a description of the child to print underneath the photo?
Cartman,"Oh, yehes. Uh-heh. He has ah, blond hair, aha-and, ah, and a brown eye.  Brown eye!"
Receptionist,"Okay, brown eye..."
Cartman,"And, and big rosy cheeks!"
Receptionist,...Full cheeks...
Cartman,"Full cheeks!  Winking brown eye, brown eye winking!"
Reporter,"Ms. Hamilton was the fourth person to be run over by a motorcycle this week, leaving a city to ponder, who will be next?"
Kyle,Hello?
Cartman,You guys! You guys! You guys!
Kyle,Hello?
Cartman,...You guys!...
Kyle,Cartman?
Cartman,You guys! You guys! You guys! Hurry.
Stan,What's he want?
Kyle,I don't know. Let's go see.
Kyle,Why'd you call us?
Cartman,"Come on. Come on.  Come on. Oho, this is so sweet!  You guys, seriously, this is sooo sweet!"
Stan,"Goddamnit Cartman, what?!"
Kyle,...You put Kenny's picture on a milk carton??
Cartman,"Look at, look at the description. Brown eye!"
Stan,"That isn't funny, Cartman."
Cartman,"Oh, it's soo completely funny!! Ahaha this is certainly funny!!"
Kyle,"No it's not, Cartman. You know, there really are couples out there who are missing children."
Cartman,"No there aren't. Jesus, grow up, you guys."
Martha,"Oh my God. Oh my God!  Steven! Steven, come quick!"
Steven,"What is it, Martha?"
Martha,Look. It's him! It's... our son.
Steven,Our ssson!
Martha,...and so that's when I called out to my husband. I just knew the boy picture on your milk carton was our little Tommy.
Receptionist,"... yes, I see.  Uh, but the child on the milk carton was reported missing, not found."
Steven,"We realize that. But we just thought that maybe someone else had found Tommy, and then lost him again. We're pretty certain that it's our boy, considering his physical appearance. Martha and I have the... same condition."
Receptionist,...Riiight.
Steven,"You may not have realized this, but we actually have buttocks where our heads should be."
Receptionist,...Really?
Steven,Yes.
Martha,"Steven and I have a condition called ""torsonic polarity syndrome."" It's a birth defect that's passed on genetically."
Steven,Over eleven people worldwide suffer from TPS.
Receptionist,"Hmm, hmm, that's am-, that's amazing."
Steven,Martha and I were lucky enough to meet each other at a TPS convention in France.
Receptionist,So... do you have heads down where your rear ends should be?
Steven,"No no, don't be silly. You see, with TPS, the birth defect is on the exterior only. Behind this we still have all our vital head organs - tongue, eyes, nasal passages..."
Receptionist,"Well, Mr. and Mrs..."
Steven,"Uh, Thompssson."
Receptionist,"...Thompson. Uh, I'll contact the young boy who gave me the photo, and perhaps we can all visit him together."
Martha,"Oh, wonderful! Steven, we're goin' to see Tommy again!"
Steven,"Now, Martha, what did I say about getting our hopesss up?"
Martha,You're right. You're right.
Kyle,"...Okay Cartman, what do you want this time?"
Cartman,"Oho, you guys, you guys! Oh my God.  Okay, okay, so get this, get this: The milk company calls me, right?  And they call me and say that two people from Wisconsin... saw the picture of Kenny on the milk carton, and they think it's their kid."
Stan,"...Dude, that's not funny if they're missing their son."
Cartman,"No, nonono! Because apparently these two people... also kind of look like they have butts where their heads should be!"
Kyle,...Nuh uh.
Cartman,"Oh yes! And the best part is... they're coming here, to my house. And it's gonna be sooo funny!!  Oh Jesus, that's probably them now! Okay, you guys, just play it cool, just play it-, just-sshh. No, sshh, you guys, sshh.  Just- okay  No.  Okay, okay, no, you guys, sh, sh."
Martha,"Hello, we're Mr. and Mrs. Thompson."
Cartman,Oh God.
Kyle,"Hohly crahap, duhude, heh!"
Stan,No way!
Steven,We understand you've seen our son.
Cartman,Oh my... God.
Stan,"Cartman, where are you going??"
Martha,"Uh, excuse me, boys, do you know anything about this?"
Kyle,Uh
Stan,Oh boy.
Kyle,"Eh-heh. L-look, if you want an explanation, you you'd better go to Kenny's house."
Stan,Yeah. He lives about four houses away in the bad side of town.
Martha,Oh thank you. Thank you!
Receptionist,Well?
Steven,They said to inquire four houses down.
Martha,Let's hurry!
Kyle,"Ehheh, Cartman, what the hell are you doing?"
Stan,"Yeah, you missed them turning around."
Cartman,"You guys, something's wrong."
Stan,What?
Cartman,I think... I.. just.. saw the funniest thing I'll ever see. And I... think... I... blew a funny fuse.
Kyle,Blew a funny fuse?
Cartman,It was just too much and my sense of humor overloaded.  I don't think anything will ever be funny again. Oh God. What have I got?
Clyde,You mean they both have butts instead of heads?
Stan,"Yeah, dude, we'll show you. They're over at Kenny's."
Token,How do they eat?
Stan,How the hell should we know?
Kyle,Butters! Hey Butters! You have to check this out!
Butters,W-what?
Kyle,You gotta come to Kenny's house with us.
Stan,There's these two people with asses where their heads should be.
Butters,"Ahah-I can't, fellas. Ah-I'm grounded for lookin' stupid in my school picture."
Stan,"But dude, you gotta see it; it's hysterical!"
Linda,"Butters can't come out and play, boys. He thinks it's funny to look like a jackass in his school pictures that I have to pay for!"
Butters,"Huh, but I told you mom: ah-I didn't mean to look... like a jackass, eh. It just happened."
Linda,You made a goofy face!
Butters,No! That's just what I look like. See?
Linda,"...Don't you make that face at me, young man!"
Butters,"I'm not makin' a face, mom!"
Linda,Stop it!
Craig,"...Come on, we wanna see the ass people."
Kyle,Alright.
Linda,"Fine Butters! If you don't wanna stop making that stupid face at me, you can just stay in your room for another week!"
Butters,Another week?  I hate my stupid face.
Mr. Mackey,"Okay Eric, as your counselor, uh I want you to feel comfortable talking about anything, m'kay?"
Cartman,"Mr. Mackey, is it possible that you can see something so funny that it ruins your sense of humor forever?"
Mr. Mackey,"Well, I can't think of anything that would be THAT funny."
Cartman,Two people with asses for heads. Ever since I saw them I can't laugh at anything.
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, I see, well... Well, what did you used to think was funny?"
Cartman,"You know, all the usual stuff. Dirty jokes, funny movies, seeing someone die...  This morning, I even saw a little girl get her fingers caught in a car door and... I couldn't laugh. I mean I... I knew it was funny, but I couldn't laugh."
Mr. Mackey,"Well Eric, I suppose that, just like everything else, laughter can be relative - in, in other words, sometimes people see somethin' so scary that nothin' else scares them, so, the same could be true for funny things."
Cartman,So does that mean I'll never laugh again?
Mr. Mackey,"It's possible, hm'kay?  But you know, if you have completely lost your sense of humor, you can always become a writer for the show, ""Friends"" . Ohokahay, huhuh."
Cartman,Ugh.
Mrs. McCormick,"...and so you see, our son was just playing a joke and the little fat kid put it on the carton."
Martha,"Yes. Yes, I see."
Mrs. McCormick,"Kenny, don't you think you owe the Thompsons an apology?"
Martha,"...No, it was foolish for us to get our hopes up."
Steven,"It was just such a coincidence, considering the photo. You may not have realized this, but Martha and I have buttocks where our heads should be."
Stuart and Mrs. McCormick,Really?
Receptionist,"Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, how long has it been since you've seen your son?"
Steven,Tommy disappeared when he was only seven.
Martha,"Oh, Steven, it's like it's all happening all over again."
Mrs. McCormick,There there now.
Receptionist,"Please, Mrs. Thompson, it'll be alright.  Listen, the South Park Dairy Company is the country's largest. We find lost children all the time.  We can help you find Tommy with the company's database!"
Mrs. McCormick,"Yes, well, aaah-I'll help you find your son. Just stop cryin', Please, for the love of God, stop cryin'!"
Martha,"Ah, agh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Receptionist,"Mr. Thompson, how did your son become missing? Was he abducted?"
Steven,Yes. He was in the care of our nanny at the time.
Martha,The nanny that we trusted so much took off with him and we still don't know why.  We think perhaps she wanted a child of her own.
Receptionist,And this was back in Wisconsin?
Steven,"Yes, but we last heard the nanny was heading west.  That's why we thought Colorado made sssssense."
Martha,"We've tried every avenue to find him,  but, we've never tried the milk company."
Receptionist,"Well you just give us a try. I think you'll find that South Park Milk  is not only the best resource for finding kids,  but also the best producer of the freshest 2% lowfat milk the world can offer."
Martha,Thank you. Thank you so much for helping us.
Steven,This certainly is a friendly town.  You've all been sssssso wonderful.
Martha,"Yes, I'm so grateful I just wanna cry again."
"Stuart and wife, and Receptionist",NO!
Male 1,"Dude, why are you wearing Shalayna's panties?"
Male 2,"I have to wear Shalayna's panties. Lisa's were in the wash.  Look, can we just get this over with?"
Male 1,"But dude, I can't French-kiss him. He's my grandpa!"
Male 2,"Come on, dude."
Male 1,"Oh, alright  Here it goes. Come'ere, Grandpa."
Audience,Aww
Cartman,"Oh, dude, oh."
Jonesy,"Dude, what's wrong with you?"
Cartman,Nothing's wrong with me. Uh-
Male 1,"Well, I'm glad that's over with. We'd better go back to the house now to see how Chris is doing."
President,"Uh Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, as President of the South Park Milk Company, I want to apologize personally for printing that falsified picture on our milk cartons."
Steven,"Please, please. It's not your fault."
President,"Ye-yes, but here at South Park Milk we strive for excellence. For instance, we are now entering the extraction room.  As you can see, we keep it close to the refrigeration room. That way we can get the milk to the container as fast as possible.  That's why some say South Park milk tastes like you're suckin' it right from the cow's tits yourself."
Martha,Amazing.
President,"Here, try a glass of our cold Vitamin D. And our fresh scones."
Steven,Delicious.
Martha,"Oh, excuse me. A little... difficult to drink with our condition."
Steven,Martha and I actually have buttocks where our heads should be.
President,Really? Well. And in here we have our Missing Child Resource Center.
Martha,"Oh my, isn't this impressive?"
President,"Yes. With the Kelrom 4000, Mrs. Garthunk can search a database of over 30 million missing child cases."
Mrs. Garthunk,"We'll start the computer on a data search. Now, when did your son turn up missing?"
Steven,"Well, it was 1982. Tommy was only six at the time."
Mrs. Garthunk,Alright then. Computer...
Computer,Workiiing.
Mrs. Garthunk,Run a scan of missing children since 1982. Check for physical birth defects called TPS.
Computer,TPS. Torsonic Polarity Syndrome. Child missing since 1982. Workiiing.
President,So you actually haven't seen your son in over 20 years?
Martha,That's right.
Mrs. Garthunk,"But then, why did you think the picture of Kenny was him. Wouldn't your son be much older now?"
Steven,"Yes, but since he appeared to be at least eight in the photo,  we assumed someone had seen him since we did."
Martha,This is the only photo we have of our little Tommy.
Mrs. Garthunk,It's gonna take quite a while for the computer to do a scan of all missing kids.
President,"Well, why don't we let Mrs. Garthunk do her work, and I'll take you two out for some good old Colorado chili."
Steven,We don't really like chili; it makes us throw up.
Jimmy,"Well, hello, Eric. I was really glad you called me, very much."
Cartman,Jimmy! Thank God! Get in here!
Jimmy,What's this all about?
Cartman,"Jimmy, you've always been my favorite standup comic. You've gotta help me. I've lost my sense of humor."
Jimmy,"Gee, that's a terrible thing, Eric. Um comedy can be the best therapy, very much."
Cartman,I just have to find my funny bone again! Just try and make me laugh.
Jimmy,"Oh, I don't think that'll be hard. I've been working on my rr... routine."
Cartman,"Okay, let me have it."
Jimmy,Okay. Try this one on for size: Why did the... pigeon cross the road?
Cartman,"Okay, why?"
Jimmy,"Because it was having sex with the chihi... Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi... Because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch...  eh, it was having sex with the ch-ch-hiicken."
Cartman,"...Naw, see? Somethng's wrong. I'm not laughing."
Jimmy,"Wow, what a great audience... How about this classic? Knock-knock."
Cartman,Who's there?
Jimmy,Orange.
Cartman,Orange who?
Jimmy,Orange you glad I didn't say banoo'n? Orange you glad I didn't say banoo'n? Orange you glad I didn't say bbb? Orange you glad I didn't say beh buhuhnnnaana?
Cartman,"...naw, that didn't work either."
Jimmy,"Wow, w-what a great audience... Knock-knock."
Cartman,Who's there?
Jimmy,An interrupting ca'ow.
Cartman,An interrupting cow who
Jimmy,Moooooo!  ...What a terrific audience.
Mrs. Garthunk,"Hah, let's see. The Dallas-Ft. Wroth area. I haven't tried there yet. Computer?"
Computer,Workiiing.
Mrs. Garthunk,"Scan for any children reported found in the Dallas-Ft. Wroth area, with a facial deformity."
Computer,Workiiing.  Negative.
Mrs. Garthunk,"Ugh. This is hopeless! ...Wait a minute, let's try it this way: Computer?"
Computer,Workiiing.
Mrs. Garthunk,Scan databanks for children who reported their parents missing.
Computer,Workiiing.  One million six thousand hits.
Mrs. Garthunk,"Alright, then break it down to claims in the past twenty years."
Computer,Workiiing.  Three hundred twenty-one thousand hits.
Mrs. Garthunk,"Alright, now run a scan on homogenized versus pasteurized skim milk."
Computer,"In skim form, homogenized has longer shelf life by 2.3 weeks."
Mrs. Garthunk,"Okaaay, okay, now give me a breakdown of people who are seeking their parents who also suffer from a disease called T P S."
Computer,"Torsonic Polarity Syndrome, plus, a claim to not know parents: one match"
Mrs. Garthunk,Bingo. Do you have a photo
Computer,Printiiing.
Mrs. Garthunk,My God. Oh my God!
Kyle,Butters! Hey Butters!
Butters,Hehyeah?
Kyle,"They found the butt-face people's son, Butters. They're gonna have a big reunion at the milk company!"
Butters,"Aw gee, thah-at sounds swell, fellas, but I can't go 'cause I'm still havin' behavioral problems."
Stan,Why are you wearing a paper bag on your head?
Butters,"Uh, my parents are makin' me wear this paper bag until I learn... to stop makin' silly faces all the time. They've really had it up to  here with me."
Stephen,Butters? Are you ready to stop with the stupid faces?
Butters,"I sure am, Dad!"
Stephen,"Alright, you can take the paper bag off."
Butters,"Thanks, Dad! Ah I'm sorry I was bad-"
Stephen,"Oh, very funny, young man! You think it's clever to make yourself up like a girl?!"
Butters,"Hububut Dad, ah I didn't lick a-"
Stephen,Did you use your mother's makeup?! She's gonna be furious!
Butters,I'm not wearin' makeup Dad! I uh-
Stephen,Put that bag back on!
Butters,"Yes, sir."
Kyle,"Dude, that poor kid."
Clyde,"Yeah, we gotta remember to kick his ass tomorrow."
Cartman,"Dear Mom: I can no longer stand to be without a sense of humor. Without laughter, the world is a cold and sad place, and I can't go out to face it anymore. Please tell everyone why I won't be at school."
Cartman,And please buy me more chocolate guns. I'm starting to run out.
Cartman,Please get the kind with marshmallow inside. I don't like the peanut-butter filled one.Eric.
President,"And so it is with great pride that we have flown little Billy Thompson out here, to be reunited with his parents for the first time in twenty years.  Mrs. Garthunk?"
Mrs. Garthunk,"Thank you, Mr. President. I'm proud to be an employee of South Park Milk,  which to date has found over a hundred thousand missing kids, and, led the way in the fight against curdling. Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, your son grew up not knowing who his parents were.  But he was strong and resilient,  and ended up becoming very successful. I think it will amaze you as it will all of us to learn that your son... is Ben Affleck!"
President,"Come around here, Ben!"
Ben Affleck,Mom! Dad!
Steven,Son!
Martha,"Oh, son!"
Cartman,What's goin' on?
Stan,"Dude, the ass-faces' son is Ben Affleck!"
Steven,"Oh, our same ol' Ben!"
Martha,"Oh, I'm so happy!"
Mr. Garrison,"Wow, I never realized Ben had TPS, but I definitely see the resemblance now."
Steven,"Aw, son."
President,Isn't this wonderful?
Photographer,"Okay gang, give me a big smile."
Kyle,"Well, looks like everything turned out alright for them."
Cartman,"Yeah, I guess now we'll have to call him Ben Assfleck.  Ben Assfleck, say that's funny."
Stan,"Hey, you're laughing, Cartman."
Cartman,"Hehey, you're right! Oho, this is great! Ben Assfleck!"
Kyle,Well wait a minute. Don't you see what happened?
Cartman,"A-heh, what?"
Kyle,Everything turned out okay for those people. And so now you can laugh.
Stan,Huh?
Kyle,"When Cartman first opened the door, and saw the Thompsons, he felt bad for playing a joke on them. Now that everything's turned out alright, he's able to laugh."
Stan,"Oh, you're right. Cartman had a feeling of remorse."
Cartman,"E-heh. No no no, I blew a funny fuse."
Kyle,"There is no such thing as a funny fuse, Cartman. You felt bad."
Cartman,"Whatever. All I know is that I can laugh again. I'm gonna go home and eat another chocolate gun. Come on, Kenny!"
Motorcycle Driver,Dangit!
Stan,"Wow, Cartman actually felt bad for somebody and couldn't laugh at them."
Kyle,"Our little man is growing up, Stan. He's growing up."
Stan,"Yeah, I guess we all are. Maybe things are finally gonna start getting a more sophisticated around here."
Steven,Aw son!
Mr. Garrison,"Jesus Christ, these lines are ridiculous! I'm gonna miss my flight!  E- Excuse me, there are two other security checkpoints. Why can't you open those, too?"
Security Guard,Uh I don't know nothin'.
Mr. Garrison,"But you work for the-  uh, God-damnit!!"
Voice,Snooty Airlines announces the arrival of flight 239 from Connecticut.
Sheila,"That's your cousin's flight, Kyle. Hold the sign up nice and high so he can find us."
Kyle,What's he look like?
Sheila,He's your age and about your height.
Kyle,I'm stoked my cousin is comin' to live with us. It'll be just like having a brother.
Ike,I todd a nurra.
Sheila,"Oh, there he is.  Over here, Kyle!"
Kyle Schwartz,"Hello, Aunt Sheila."
Sheila,How was your flight?
Kyle Schwartz,"Oh, it was terrible. They recycled the air on board and it really did a number on my asthma. I-I-e-I asked them to turn up the oxygen and they wouldn't."
Sheila,You remember Uncle Gerry.
Kyle Schwartz,"Hi, Uncle Gerry."
Sheila,"And these are your cousins, Ike and Kyle."
Kyle,Hey dude.
Kyle Schwartz,It's nice to meet you.
Sheila,"Let's get down to the baggage claim, Kyle."
Both Kyles,Okay:
Sheila,"Oooh, that's right! We've got two Kyles now. We'll just call you  Kyle, and you can be Kyle...  Two!"
Kyle Two,Cool.
Clerk,Next?
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, I feel like I've run a marathon."
Clerk,"Mmmokay, the 2:30 flight to Cheyenne has boarded. Looks like you didn't make it."
Mr. Garrison,"What? Well of course I didn't make it. The line to check in was two hours long, and the security line was two hours more!"
Clerk,"Nnnyeah, no problem, though. We'll get you on the 7 a.m. flight tomorrow morning."
Mr. Garrison,"I can't go tomorrow, the Jizzfest is tonight!"
Clerk,Would you like a window or an aisle seat?
Mr. Garrison,"This is unbelievable! You know, I seem to remember when the airlines said, ""We need a 15 billion dollar bailout from the taxpayers-""!"
Clerk,"Mmokay, and have any of your personal items been out of your possession since you left?"
Mr. Garrison,Well we gave them the 15 billion dollar bailout and they fired their employees anyway! So now we have three people to clear 400 passengers!
Man,"Hey, he's right!"
People,YEAH!
Clerk,"Okay, and bags have been with you at all times?"
Mr. Garrison,"So where did that money go? I'll tell you where it went: it went into the pockets of the presidents and CEOs of the airlines, so they can keep their multimillion dollar salaries!"
People,YEAH!
Clerk,And here's your boarding pass for tomorrow morning.
Mr. Garrison,"You think you can treat us however you want because we HAVE to fly! Well I'll tell you what, Sally Sassalot, I'm gonna come up with a NEW mode of transportation! A ahah brand new vehicle that'll put all you bastards out of business!"
People,YEAH! ALRIGHT! GO!
Mr. Garrison,"You think I can't do it?! I got a master's degree in mechanical engineering at Denver Community College! You watch me!!  Come on, everybody!"
People,YEAH!
Man,Can I get on that 7:30 a.m. flight?
Sheila,"Here we go, Kyle Two.  And here's yours, Kyle."
Kyle,"Oh, uh, wawawhat is this?"
Kyle Two,Mom's special stew. She makes it every Monday and I love it.
Kyle,"Oh is, is this beef?"
Kyle Two,"Yeah, dude, it's great!"
Kyle,"Uha, wa, actually, I- I can't eat beef. I have a degenerative problem with my intestinal lining, and beef really gives me gaass."
Sheila,"Oh, I'm so sorry, Kyle. What else can I fix you?"
Kyle,"Oh no, I d- I don't want to be a bother, I uh-"
Sheila,Nonsense. Can't I make you some nice pasta? Or a frozen fish fillet?
Kyle,"We-ull, some fish would be great if it isn't too much trouble."
Sheila,I'll put it in the microwave right away.
Kyle Two,Mom?
Sheila,"Yes, Kyle Two?"
Kyle Two,How am I related to him again?
Sheila,"He's your cousin, Kyle Two. I told you already."
Kyle Two,"Yeah, but like... first cousin or distant cousin?"
Sheila,He's my sister's son. That makes him your first cousin.
Kyle Two,So we have the same blood?
Sheila,"Now Kyle Two, listen to me. Kyle is going through a very tough time in his life. His mother is very sick and he's in a whole new place. He's going to rely on you to make sure he fits in at your school."
Kyle Two,What? How the hell am I supposed to do that?
Sheila,I'm sure your friends will love him.
Kyle Two,"What about Cartman, huh? He rips on me for being Jewish! He's gonna tear this kid apart!"
Sheila,"Kyle Two, he's your responsibility."
Kyle Two,Oh my God.
Sheila,I'm sure you two will become great friends with lots of late night pillow talk.
Kyle Two,Well what do you mean?  What room is he sleeping in?
Kyle,"What's this comforter filled with? Um, it isn't filled with down, is it?"
Kyle Two,"I don't know, dude."
Kyle,"Ih it sure is quiet up here in the mountains and it's dry, too. Do you have a humidi-humidifier?"
Kyle Two,I don't think so.
Kyle,"Uh, can you take my stupid glasses and put them on the night stand. Make sure they're close by, because that fish upset my stomach and I might need them if I have to go to he bathroom later on."
Kyle Two,Okay.
Mr. Garrison,"Now it's got to be simple. Like a moped, but with the ability to travel at much faster speeds. The designs of our electrical moped were altered with a- no, nonono this won't work either!"
Mr. Hat,What was wrong with that plan?
Mr. Garrison,"It has to be more stable, Mr. Hat! A moped would be too dangerous at those speeds. Damnit!  Now, what if the jet power of an aircraft could be scaled down into a personal vehicle?"
Mr. Hat,"Boy, that Enrique Iglesias can sure gyrate his hot ass around."
Enrique Iglesias,...I think about you day and night. I think about you...
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, Mr. Hat! Would you stop drooling over Enrique Iglesias and... wait a minute. What did you say?"
Mr. Hat,I said Enrique Iglesias can sure gyrate his hot ass!
Mr. Garrison,That's it. Gyration.  A gyroscope.  It would allow for maximum balance and yet... Mr. Hat! You're a genius!  It's so simple and yet genius!
Mr. Hat,"Check out his hot bulge, too."
Stan,Hey dude.
Cartman,What's that thing?
Kyle Two,"Cartman, I need to talk to you."
Kyle,"Hello, I'm Kyle's cousin Kyle."
Kyle Two,"Cartman, I'm gonna make you a deal."
Cartman,What?
Kyle Two,"That kid over there is my cousin from the East Coast. He's having a really hard time right now, so I'm going to offer you forty dollars to not rip on him."
Cartman,Forty bucks?
Kyle Two,"But you can't make fun of him AT ALL. No smartass comments, nothin'."
Cartman,"Alright, alright."
Kyle Two,And you especially can't say anything about Jews!
Cartman,"Aw, Jesus, why don't you just cut off my balls?"
Kyle Two,"Cartman, no Jew jokes! All you have to do is keep your mouth shut, and you've got forty bucks! Can you do it?"
Kyle,I can't believe how cold it is out here.
Cartman,Could be tough. But I'll give it a shot.
Kyle Two,Alright.
Kyle,It's a really dry cold; that's the problem. It- the cold air makes me wheeze.
Kyle Two,"Kyle, this is Cartman, my sort of... friend-ish."
Kyle,"Ot- Nice to meet you, Cartman. Yuh you know, I saw that same jacket you're wearing at Bosco's for $29.95. How much was yours? Um, I juh- I was just wondering if Bosco's is a ripoff?"
Cartman,"...Oh, man."
Kyle,Cartman?!
Cartman,"Uh, it's nice to meet you, Kyle. I can certainly tell you're a relative of my good friend Kyle here."
Stan,What the hell was that?
Officer Barbrady,Uh what the hell was that?
Stuart,What the hell was that?
Randy,"I dunno, it was going so fast I couldn't see it.  But I want one."
Stuart,"Yep, me too."
Mr. Garrison,"We've done it, Mr. Hat. Airline companies be damned. We've invented a whole new mode of transportation! Get some investors on the phone!  Well what are you waiting for?!"
Ms. Choksondik,"And I know you'll all be very nice to our new student.  Kyle, why don't you tell us a little about yourself?"
Kyle,"Oh well, I I grew up in the shity, ah ah I really don't care for it. Ah I come from a Jewish family, which of course you already know, because Kyle's from the same family.  I like to read, and I have these polyps on the backs of my hands - I don't know what they are."
Cartman,"Ohmigod, I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it."
Kyle,"...Oh, and I hope one day to be an investment banker."
Cartman,I... must.. fight it! Need... forty... dollars!
Ms. Choksondik,"Okay, why don't you go ahead and take a seat, Kyle?"
Kyle,Uh where should I sit? There's no place to sit down here.
Ms. Choksondik,"Yes, unfortunately the school seems to be completely out of extra desks. So you'll just have to share with your cousin."
Kyle Two,What?
Kyle,"Eh, oh, alright."
Ms. Choksondik,Now let's get on with our lesson on the-
Kyle,Ah-ah-ah-are wooden desks all that available? I usually prefer the plastic ones because these give me splinters.
Cartman,"Ugh, ugh!"
Ms. Choksondik,"I'm sorry, Kyle. You'll just have to make do.  Now let's get back to the le-"
Kyle,"Is it cold in here? I realize we're in the mountains, but do we have to freeze to death?"
Ms. Choksondik,"Now Kyle, I need you to be quiet. In my class you need to be able to concentrate."
Cartman,Oh!
Ms. Choksondik,Concentration is the key to succeeding in my class.
Cartman,"Maybe we'll have to send him to concentration camp. AWGH! Damnit, damnit, damnit!"
Kyle Two,CARTMAN!
Anchor,"Kindergarten teacher Herbert Garrison has apparently invented a new vehicle that will give the airlines a run for their money. Mr. Garrison is putting the final touches on his top secret device, which he simply calls ""IT"".  So what exactly is ""IT""?  Here with a report is a Hispanic man with some gravy stains on his lapel."
Hispanic Reporter,"Thanks, Tom, I-oh...  Thanks, Tom. So far, Herbert Garrison hasn't let anyone get a look at his invention. He claims that the vehicle is sooo genius and revolutionary that it could cause one's eyes to bleed if not properly prepared to see it. But earlier today HBC News got footage of some of the country's top investors and richest people who have been invited for a first look, including: Steve Forbes , Steve Jobs , Ted Turner , Donald Trump , Bill Gates , and Yasmine Bleeth . Their curiosity is piqued, Tom, and so is ours. What is ""IT""? What does ""IT""do? And when will IT be somewhere where I can buy one? Reporting live, Jeff Arrando , HBC News."
Kyle Two,"You need to learn to play some sports, Kyle. So we're gonna start with a tough one called, ""Catch the Ball."" I throw the football to you; you throw it back to me."
Kyle,"Oh, bu- but isn't the cold air making the ball really hard? Ih-it's gonna hurt my hands."
Kyle Two,It's fine!
Kyle,"Alright then, hu-how do I catch it?"
Kyle Two,"Ih it's a football, dude. You just- put your arms out and catch it.  Alright, here we go."
Kyle,Now what?
Kyle Two,Now throw it back to me.
Kyle,But it's down in the snow.
Kyle Two,...So dig it out.
Kyle,But I'll get snow on my gloves and then it will melt and I'll have wet hands.
Kyle Two,"...Well, then we'll dry them off!"
Kyle,"Alright, then."
Kyle Two,Oh my God.
Cartman,"Kyle, Kyle!  I just found out that in World War II, some Jewish people were sent to concentration camps."
Kyle Two,"Yeah! They WERE, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Oh, and see, I didn't realize that. But I understand now how you might've felt what I said in the classroom was a racial slut. But see, I had no idea."
Kyle Two,"You did, too! You are so full of crap!"
Cartman,"No, I'm seriously! Because, um, I was, I was talkin' to Craig, and Craig was all like, ""Hey, did you know that in World War II they really HAD concentration camps?"" And I was all like, ""No way!"" And this little light went on in my head like, ""Aw man, no wonder Kyle thought what I said in the class, seemed like it was directed at his cousin."" But, but I was literally talkin' about a concentration camp, you know, where you go for a week to learn and focus, you know. Oh, mahan.  What a misunderstanding, huh?"
Kyle Two,"You blew the deal, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Goddamnit, give me another chance!"
Kyle Two,"Nuh-uh, I knew you were gonna make fun of my lame cousin, so I paid you the forty bucks NOT to rip on him! You ripped on him, deal's off!"
Kyle,Uh you did what?
Kyle Two,Oh no.
Cartman,"Haha,  serves you right, asshole."
Kyle,"You, you paid your friends tuh...  not make fun of me?"
Kyle Two,"Look, ih it's not because anything's wrong with you."
Kyle,"Wow uh, you think it takes forty dollars to get people to like me."
Kyle Two,"Kyle, I-eh I'm sorry."
Kyle,Because I m-I mean I really think you could have done it for about $12.50.
Kyle Two,What?
Kyle,"Well, I mean, you didn't just start at 40, didja? You you gotta low-ball these things so you have a place to go."
Kyle Two,"Uh-uh-uh oh, dude. Uh"
Kyle,Boy it sure is dry out here.
Mr. Garrison,"Gentlemen, imagine being able to travel safely at incredibly fast speeds, and not having to go to the stupid fartface airports!"
Mr. Hat,"That sounds incredible, Mr. Garrison."
Mr. Garrison,"It IS incredible, Mr. Hat. And what makes IT possible  is IT's patented gyroscope design.  Gentlemen, I give you, IT!"
Guests,Whoa.
Steve Forbes,Nice.
Donald Trump,Sweet.
Mr. Garrison,"IT gets over 300 miles to the gallon, and is safely capable of speeds of over 200 miles per hour."
Guests,Whoa. Wow.
Bill Gates,This will change everything.
Steve Jobs,We're going to have to rethink cities!
Mr. Garrison,"Now, IT is easily operated using four flexigrip handles. Two of them are on each side. Left side for throttle, right side for steering.  The third flexigrip is gently inserted into the anus, to keep the driver in place."
Guests,Ugh. Oh.
Mr. Garrison,"...there we go. Now, the final flexigrip is directly in front of the driver so that its small switches can be operated with the mouth, as such.  Put the four together and we're ready to go."
Steve Jobs,Oh my God!
Steve Forbes,Look at it go!
Bill Gates,But the way it works... do you think people will go through that to travel?
Steve Forbes,"Hey, it... still beats what you go through at the airports."
Guest 1,True.
Guest 2,Yup.
Guest 3,"Yeah, that's true."
Guest 4,Yeap.
Kyle Two,"I can't take it anymore, Stan. My cousin's been here for two weeks and he's driving me insane."
Stan,"I know, dude. Every kid in school wants to kick his ass."
Kyle Two,"I spent five years in this town making a good name for Jews and this... this... stereotype shows up and wrecks it all! You know what my biggest fear is? That I'll become him. That somehow his mannerisms will start rubbing off on me, and I'll become a stereotype. I mean, I'm a Jew and he's making me hate Jews."
Stan,"Dude, a self-hating Jew? You are becoming a stereotype."
Kyle Two,Ya see?
Kyle,I'm ba-ack!
Kyle Two,Ugh.
Stan,"Book. Later, dude."
Jeff Arrando,"Tom, the day is finally here. IT has arrived for retail sale, and people are getting their first look at it."
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, good. Just step through here  And then this is your steering and here's your throttle."
Craig's father,Okay.
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, now you're just gonna feel a little pinch."
Craig's father,HAAAOW!
Mr. Garrison,"It's alright, it's just locking you in.  You can take it.  Doing great, Kathy. How's that ride?  Okay, now use your mouth to operate the turn signals, and you're off.  Great! Who else wants to give it a spin?"
Randy,"Oh, man, it that the IT?"
Craig's Father,Hehyeah.
Stuart,How is it?
Craig's Father,"Well, ugh. Ih ih it beats dealing with the airline companies, that's for sure."
Kyle,"I don't know about this, guys. I think sleds are dangerous."
Kyle Two,"Look, Kyle. Sledding is something all kids out here do. You've gotta learn."
Kyle,"It seems like I might get splinters, though."
Kyle Two,"Remember: Just hold on. No matter how long the sledding run lasts, hold on."
Kyle,"Hold on. I see.  Oh, Jeezus, this sled is going faaaast."
Kyle Two,Hang on!
Kyle,"I have to watch out for my glasses. Ow! Ow, it's so cold! Oh Jesus!"
Kyle Two,How far do you think it is to Connecticut?
Kyle,It's a least a couple of hours.
Kyle Two,Think he'll be alright?
Cartman,He's faaahn.
Announcer,"Are you tired of corporate airline companies treating you like a worthless sardine?  Tired of ridiculous lines and horrible security at airports?  Well, now there is an alternative to airline travel.  IT.  IT has taken the country by storm.  And already two million have been sold.  Never have another important business trip ruined by airline incompetence.  Hey ladies! How did you get to the Grand Canyon?  IT comes in sizes for the entire family."
Woman,"Here you go, Robby."
John Travolta,"Hello, I'm John Travolta. I used to rely on airlines to get me to set, but once I got used to IT,  I found it to be a little less painful than dealing with the airline companies. I just power up the flexigrips.  And I'm ready to go. Thank you, IT."
Announcer,So join the millions of Americans who have felt a little more comfortable with... traveling.  Order yours today and remember our slogan: IT's better than flying.
Kyle Two,"...Hm, that was pretty gay."
Sheila,"Kyle Two, where is Kyle?"
Kyle Two,"I don't know, Mom. Last time I saw him he was sledding."
Sheila,Where on earth could he be?
Kyle Two,"You know, it's just possible he went back to Connecticut."
Sheila,What?
Kyle Two,"Well, ah I mean, maybe he got so worried about his mom that found a way to get back and see her."
Sheila,"Don't be ridiculous, Kyle Two. He's out playing with his new friends."
Kyle Two,I'm just throwin' it out there as a possibility.
Kyle,I'm ba-ack.
Kyle Two,AAA!
Kyle,I'm sorry. You must've been worried sick. I got your sled tangled up with a bus.
Kyle Two,"A, a bus. R-really?"
Sheila,"Kyle, what happened to you??"
Kyle,"Ah- I was just sledding, and the next thing I knew my sled rope got tangled with a bus, uh. I gut dragged for over a hundred miles before the bus finally stopped for gas.  I'm sorry about your sled, Kyle."
Kyle Two,"Oh no- don't worry about it, dude."
Sheila,Oh you poor thing! Come upstairs and we'll get you out of those wet clothes.  Are you alright?
Kyle,"Oh, my ears feel like they're frozen off, and I think I have a hemorrhoid from sitting on the sled for so long."
Mr. Garrison,"We're in the money, Mr. Hat, We're in the money, Mr. Hat...  Oh hi, Jimbo. Can I help you?"
Jimbo,"Yeah, I wanted to order that theft alarm for my IT."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, right, right. Take a seat."
Jimbo,"Uh, that's okay, I'll stand."
Mr. Garrison,"What do you think, Mr. Marsh? All set to put a down payment on that baby?"
Randy,"Well, yeah, but I have one question about the way it works."
Mr. Garrison,Sure.
Randy,"Well,  it seems all the buttons on these front and rear flexigrips are also found on the side of the vehicle."
Mr. Garrison,Yeup.
Randy,Well... so... they don't really... do anything.
Mr. Garrison,Right.
Randy,"So then, couldn't I just order one that works without going in and out of my ass and mouth?"
Mr. Garrison,"Well, I... guess you could."
Man 1,Huh?
Man 2,Whazzat?
Man 3,Wha- what did you- what did he say?
Man 4,What?
Kyle,I don't know about this guys. I think playing hide and seek in the airport might be dangerous.
Kyle Two,"Kyle, we told you: Kids in Colorado all play hide and seek at the airport."
Stan,"Yeah, as soon as we get to the concourse you'll see how fun it is."
Kyle Two,"Ungh, this is taking too long. The flight to Connecticut is about to leave.  Ey! Can we speed things up here??"
Security Guard,"Daaah, sorry, but ever since that IT thing came out the airlines have had to cut back on employees."
Kyle Two,"Dude, we're the only ones here! How long does it take five people through security?!"
Security Guard,"Derr, let's see: Twelve people... plus... times... divided... two hours domestic, three hours international."
Kyle,Can't we just play hide and seek at home?
Kyle Two,No!
Security Guard,"Dah ha! What's this?! A toenail clipper!  Die, terrorist!"
Kyle,"Oh, Jesus!!"
Security Guard,"See, we do these checks for a reason!"
Kyle Two,This is ridiculous! Come on!
Kyle Two,"Okay, Cartman, you're it. Start counting."
Cartman,"1, 2, 3, 4..."
Kyle Two,"Here, Kyle. You go hide in here."
Kyle,In there? But it's very confined. I'll get cramps in my legs.
Kyle Two,JUST GET IN THE BOX!
Kyle,"Uh, alright then.  Oh, would you look at that? I've got a corn on my ankle.  Now where did that one come from? That's the fourth one I've had-"
Kyle Two,I hope he doesn't suffocate.
Cartman,He's faaahn.
Stan,Yeah. He'll be waaay better off back at home.
Kyle,"Oh, Jesus, this bus is going fast!  Oh, I did it again!!"
Mr. Garrison,"Excuse me, what the hell are you doing?"
Agent 1,"It's alright, we're with the government."
Agent 2,We're just shutting you down.
Mr. Garrison,Shutting me down? Why?
Agent 3,The airlines are in desperate trouble. Your vehicle is causing them to lose money.
Mr. Garrison,"Yeah, well that was the point, dingleberry! Ah-t put that down!"
Agent 4,"Right, so the government is bailing the airlines out again, by shutting you down and making ITs illegal."
Mr. Garrison,"OH, GOD-DAMNIT! You'd better be kidding!"
Agent 5,"Sir, many people work for the airlines. We can't let them all be fired."
Mr. Garrison,THE AIRLINE COMPANIES ARE LOSING MONEY BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN INCOMPETENCE AND THEIR OWN INEFFICIENCY!!
Agent 6,"That may be true. But if you build, sell, or ride another IT, ""it"" will be the last time. Have a nice night."
Mr. Garrison,HWAAAAHHH! Airline motherfuckerrrs! You pieces of shiiit! Cocksucking sons of bitch airlines!
Sheila,"Oh, it's been days! Where can he be?"
Kyle Two,"I dunno, Mom. It's like he vanished into thin air."
Sheila,"I'm gong to call the police again. Kyle Two, go down to the playground and look there."
Kyle Two,"I already checked the playground, Ma.  I told you, he isn't really-"
Kyle,I'm back.
Kyle Two,GAAAH!
Sheila,Kyle!  You're back!
Kyle,"Yeah, it was the craziest thing. I hid myself on a plane to Antarctica. Oh, it was so dry down there."
Stan,"So dude, did Cartman's idea work?"
Kyle Two,"No. I tried getting my cousin lost in the woods, but a stupid bear brought him home."
Stan,Damn!
Kyle Two,I just have to face facts that I'm goin' to live with my crappy cousin forever.
Kyle,"Well, Kyle, I I gotta go."
Kyle Two,...What?
Kyle,"Yeah, I've gotta get back to Connecticut."
Sheila,"Now that things have changed for Kyle, his mother needs him back."
Kyle Two,"Do you promise??  I mean, oh. Thah-uh that's too bad, dude. What, what changed for you?"
Kyle,"Well, I- I invested in that IT thing, and there was a bailout, so I received a five million dollar bailout clause check, which, which I can use to help my family, so, I- I guess, goodbye, cousin."
Kyle Two,"Okay. See ya, cousin. Hope to see ya soon.  Not too soon, I hope."
Stan,"Yeah, haha."
Cartman,Heheheheheh.
All Three,Five million dollars???
Kyle Two,Dudedudedude! You- you have five million dollars??
Kyle,"Yeah, I don't know what to do with it, though. Well, see ya."
Kyle Two,"Wait. Kyle, this may sound crazy, but I think you should stay!"
"Stan, Cartman",Yeah!
Kyle,Re- really?
Kyle Two,"Yeah. You see, I've learned something today.  Sometimes people have trouble fitting in at, at school and,...  and um... Let's see, what did I learn about?  What did I learn about today?"
Cartman,"I- I, I learned that... you shouldn't judge somebody because... that-no, wait."
Kyle Two,"Nonono, it was good! What were you going to say?"
Kyle,"Listen, guys, I appreciate you wanting me around, but, the fact of the matter is, well, yeh, you guys are just kind of douche bags."
Kyle Two,... Uhwhat?
Kyle,"I mean, yeyou people are all just such hick jock rednecks; it's just like you right out of a stereotyped catalog.  Ah I can't take it. See ya."
Kyle Two,Dude! Weak.
Cartman,"...Good job, Jew!"
Butters,"...And so, just like in nature, ah I can add the mixture into the volcano and...  O Pele! God of Fire! Show us you uh-  Aw, it's all uh g-gooey."
Ms. Choksondik,"Okay, good job, Butters. You get a check."
Butters,"Ah, thank you, Ms. Choksondik!  I got a check. That's like a C!"
Ms. Choksondik,Okay. Whose project should we look at next? How aboouuut Eric?  Eric Cartman?
Cartman,"Stand by, please."
Ms. Choksondik,NOW Eric!
Cartman,"Oh, god dammit!"
Kyle,Haha!
Cartman,"Shutup, Jew!  Yes, well. For my project, I made a pencil, taped to a pen. In this way we see the duality of writing devices that occur in nature."
Ms. Choksondik,You just put that thing together just now! I'm giving you a check minus.
Cartman,Oh GODDAMMIT I HATE CHECK-MINUS!
Ms. Choksondik,Siddown.
Cartman,I'll make you eat your parents!
Ms. Choksondik,What did you say?!
Cartman,Nothing!
Ms. Choksondik,"Alright, Token, you're next."
Token,"Using my laptop computer, I hooked into the Internet and found a meteorology Web site.  I donwloaded the data, and with my dad's video projector, I can show you the graph I made of predictable weather patterns over the next three months."
Clyde,Wwooww.
Token,"I also printed out the results on my color printer. Here you are, Ms. Choksondik."
Ms. Choksondik,"Very very good, Token. You get a check plus."
Token,Alright!
Cartman,"Aw, that is such bullcrap!"
Ms. Choksondik,"Eric, for the love of God."
Cartman,"No! No, see, this is the fundamental flaw with the check check-plus check-minus system! The only reason Token was able to do all that is because his family is rich!"
Token,My family isn't rich.
Cartman,"Oh, come on, Token! Your new house is four times the size of anyone else's in town! And who else gets crab cakes and, and lobster tail in their lunch boxes?!"
Stan,"Your family is rich, dude."
Token,But I...
Cartman,"Let's just see where Token's clothes come from, shall we?  Ooooo, Armani Exchange!"
Kyle,Aharmani Exchange?
Cartman,"All the rest of us have to buy our clothes at J mart! Have you even been inside a J mart, Token?!  I didn't think so!"
Stan,"Yeah, dude, your family is so rich they have their own pool table."
Butters,Yeah. And their own sprinkler system. You don't think you're rich?
Linda,Hello Token. How was school today?
Token,Mom? Dad? Why do we have a bigger house than everybody else in South Park?
Bob,"Well, because we have more money, son."
Token,I know. But why?
Bob,"...W-well, because we went to graduate school and therefore have more lucrative jobs than most people in town. For instance, your mother is a chemist for a pharmaceutical company, whereas your friend Eric Cartman's mother is a crack whore. One pays more than the other."
Linda,"Why, sweetie? What's the matter?"
Token,All the kids at school made fun of me today because I'm rich.
Bob,...Oh.
Token,"I don't wanna be rich anymore! I wanna eat macaroni and cheese for dinner and, and wear clothes from J mart!"
Linda,J mart?
Bob,"Son, you, you don't know what you're saying."
Token,"I just wanna be like all the other kids in South Park. Please, Mom and Dad, please."
Bob,"You... sure you want to do this, son?"
Token,I'm sure.
Linda,Hmmm...
Bob,Where's the... valet?
Linda,He must be parkiing someone else's car.
Bob,"Ah, here we go.  Take good care of it, please.  Here's twenty dollars.  Hoh?  They've activated some kind of alien blinding device."
Token,"That's not a blinding device, Dad. It's fluorescent lighting."
Bob,Oh.
Linda,"Excuse me, where can where would we find young men's fashion apparel?"
Obese Woman,"Aisle 6, next to the pretzels."
Bob,Next to the-?!
Token,Come on!  Hey look: there pants are only five bucks apiece. They must really suck. What do ya think?
Linda,"What, what brand are they?"
Token,"It doesn't matter, Mom. They're poor people pants."
Randy,"Hey, uh, Sharon? Isn't that the Williamses?"
Sharon,"Huh?  Oh. Yeah, it is.  What are they doing here? They can afford to shop at Cherry Creek."
Liane,"Do you see that, Sheila? The Williamses are shopping here."
Sheila,I don't get it. He must pull in at least two hundred thousand a year.
Bob,"S-son, can you just hurry it up? I don't think we quite fit n here."
Cartman,"Oh, looks like you landed on Park Avenue, Stan. You own me ten million dollars."
Token,Hey you guys.
Stan,"Oh hey, dude. Did you bring the movie?"
Token,I sure did.
Cartman,"Hey, you changed your clothes, Token."
Token,"Yeah, well, you know, I did a little shopping at J mart."
Stan,"Alright, well, let's just watch the Lion King. Cartman's cheating anyway."
Token,Here you go.
Stan,What's that?
Token,It's a DVD of the Lion King
Stan,DVD? We don't own a DVD player.
Kyle,"Yeah, dude.  Nobody does. They're too expensive."
Cartman,"Not too expensive for Token's rich ass family, apparently."
Craig,Don't you have a VHS of it?
Token,I only have this.
Cartman,"Oh, well, let me take this disk up to the Enterprise and see if Captain Kirk can decrypt it."
Token,What's a VHS?
Cartman,"Oh, Jesus, dude."
Stan,"Come on, guys. We'll just have to find other stuff to do."
Kyle,What's a VHS?
Token,"Why can't I be like all the other kids?They all have three-bedroom homes, broken trucks on their lawns.And cut-up hot dogs for lunchIt's not my fault my parents succeed so much.There's no one in town I can relate to.I play with autographed baseball batswhile everyone else just plays with sticks and pine conesHas a boy ever felt so alone?Well, who needs them anyway? I won't pretend to be something I'm notIf I can't be poor, I've got to deal with what I've got.If I can't be like them, what I need is more rich kids around,So I'm not the only one, and then I won't be so... down.Please, God, send more rich kids...To my...Town"
Will Smith,"Ooo, look at this, honey.  A beautiful unspoiled town in the Rockies. This is just what we've been looking for!"
Jada Pinkett Smith,"""Like Aspen was 30 years ago."" Sounds nice."
Will Smith,We could buy hundreds of acres of land for next to nothing! And then I could finally live like a cowboy.
Jada Pinkett Smith,"Oh Will, the country would be such a nicer place to raise our kids!"
Will Smith,O kids?
Older Boy,"Yes, Daddy?"
Will Smith,How would you like to move to the Colorado Rockies?
Older Boy,"The mountains, Daddy?"
Girl,Can we have horses?
Older Boy,O can we? Can we Daddy?
Will Smith,You bet!
Kids,Hooray!
Will Smith,"Well, here it is. Our home to be."
Jada Pinkett Smith,"Oh, Will, it's beautiful."
Token,Hi! Welcome to the neighborhood!
Will Smith,"Why thank you, young man. We're the Smiths."
Older Boy,"Ah, a local boy. You shall be our new playmate. I'm Frederick. This is my sister Lisa, and my brother Daniel"
Token,I'm Token.
Lisa,Our daddy is a very famous actor. What does your daddy do?
Token,"Aah, he's a lawyer. I think."
Will Smith,"How quaint. Kids, why don't you play with little Token while your mother and I check out the town."
Frederick,"Very well. Come, local boy.  Show us how to play your mountain games."
Token,"All right!  Thanks, God."
Token,...And this is the room where my mom and dad keep their original v-Van Gogh painting.
Frederick,"Yes, yes, we have one of those, too. In fact, we have seven of them, I believe."
Token,"You do? God, that's great!"
Daniel,Why?
Token,"I'm just so happy you guys moved into town. You see, I used to be the only rich kid. All the other families here are kinda  low to  middle-income."
Lisa,Why? What happened to all their money?
Token,"Well, they never really had any money."
Lisa,"Well, then, why don't their daddies just act in a movie?"
Token,Well I... think that.. they...
Frederick,Sometimes children must be very firm with their daddies.
Lisa,Indeed.
Frederick,Like when Daddy doesn't want to act in a movie because he thinks the script is bad.
Lisa,"So we must plead with him:  ""Please, Daddy, please! It's twenty million dollard, Daddy."""
Daniel,"""Please, Daddy, please!"""
Frederick,"""Twenty million is still twelve million after taxes, Daddy!"""
Lisa,"""I want a llama, Daddy!"""
Frederick,"""I'd do the picture, Daddy!"""
Lisa,"""Please, Daddy!"""
Frederick,"""Daddy, please!"""
Lisa,"""Daddy, do the movie, Daddy!"""
Daniel,"""But Daddy!"""
Frederick,And so Daddy does the picture.
Token,...That's ...great.
Lisa,Twenty million dollars great.
Snoop Dogg,I found a girl who had an innie and I felt her with my jimmyPlayer-haters try to do me 'cause my rhymes are just tooo-
Engineer,"Sorry, Snoop Dogg, but Will Smith is on line three for you?"
Snoop Dogg,Oh.  William! How are you buddy?
Will Smith,"Great, Snoop Dogg, and you?"
Snoop Dogg,Couldn't be better. I'm just laying down some vocals for my new album.
Will Smith,"Great, Snoop-Snoop. Listen: Remember how we always talked about wanting to buy property up in the mountains so our kids could ski and ride horses?"
Snoop Dogg,"Oho yes, the kids bug me about it all the time."
Will Smith,"Well I found the place, Snooty-roo. It's in the Rockies, but totally undiscovered, laid-back, and beautiful."
Snoop Dogg,Ogh. It sounds lovely!
Will Smith,You really should come give it a look. Jada and I would love for some friends to move here with us.
Snoop Dogg,"I certainly will, William. And perhaps I'll give ol' Maigc and Kobe Bryant a call. They've been looking for vacation properties as well."
Will Smith,"Great! Well, let me let you get back to your recording."
Snoop Dogg,"Hah, see you soon. Bye."
Will Smith,Bye.
Snoop Dogg,"Alright, let's take it from the top, gang. I shout ""Hell Yeah!"" from my vehicle. Livin' is a miracle-"
Mr. Garrison,"Look, there's more of them moving into our town.  You know, Oprah Winfrey is building a house up on Cannon, and some Snoop Doggy Doo Doo buildin' a gigantic place up on Main."
Jimbo,"Yep, there goes the neighborhood."
Mr. Garrison,That's the fifth family of them that's moved here. Seems like all of a sudden South Park is being overrun by those types.
Gerald,"Hey! W-what are you saying? What ""types""?"
Mr. Garrison,"Yiou know, those types! Rich people!"
Jimbo,Oh. I don't take kindly to rich folk. Neither does Ned.
Ned,Nnnope.
Jimbo,"I remember back in the day, RICH folk weren't alLOWED in South Park! Now thery're movin' here in droves!"
Skeeter,"They're gonna be sending their kids to our schools, and mixin' them with our pure, non-rich kids!"
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, yeah, and it won't be long before they drove all of us poor underachieving people out of town with inflated real-estate costs!"
Skeeter,"Damn, I hate those stupid richers!"
Mr. Garrison,"Yeah.  Hey, rich guy!  Hey, Richie Rich! Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, richer! What's in the huge box, richer?! Your checkbook?"
Jimbo,Yeah. How many rich people does it take to screw in a light bulb? None! They can hire people to do it for them!
Mr. Garrison,"Yeah. Hey, hey, you guys know why richers have such big garages? 'Cause they need a place for all their Porsches and boats and aircraft carriers!  Yeah, that's right, cashchucker! Go have fun with your two million dollar house!"
Jimbo,I guess we showed them!
Oprah Winfrey,"A little to the left. That's great and- Let's put another pool over there.  Uh huh, good."
Frederick,"Token, these are Oprah's newly-adopted children, Dominique and Zizi."
Dominique and Zizi,Hello.
Token,Hi.
A Boy,Cheerio!
Frederick,"Ah, and these are Puff Daddy's kids: P Diddy Mini, P Poofy Bite-size, and Poppa Diddy Diddy Puff Fun-size."
Token,"Wow, my plan to get rich people here sure did work. Hey, I got a great idea! Let's all pack some lunches and go sledding."
Lisa,"Oh no, we're going shopping."
The Kids,Shopping!
Frederick,"Yes, come Token. We're all going to head down to the mall and buy some of the stores."
Token,Oh. Alright then.
Kobe Bryant,"'Scuse me, can ew get a couple of beers here?"
Skeeter,They've got nice expensive beers for you across the street at the new Wolfgang Puck's.
Kobe Bryant,"That's alright, we just want some cheap beer tonight."
Barkeep,...Maybe you didn't see the sign out front: This bar is for people livin' below their means ONLY!
Men,Yeah!
Kobe Bryant,This is a free country. I can have a drink wherever I want.
Man 1,"Come on, Kobe, let's just go."
Mr. Garrison,Those richers are getting snooty. We've got to show those richers they're not welcome here!
Ned,Nn-what do you mean?
Mr. Garrison,"How about tonight, we sneak up to one of their houses, and right on their lawn we'll set fire to a big lowercase ""t""!"
Jimbo,"Lowercase ""t""?"
Mr. Garrison,"Yeah, for ""time to leave""!"
Bar Patrons,Yeah!
Mr. Garrison,"Jimbo, you take some folk and build a big wooden lowercase ""t""! I'll take the rest and get some gas and torches ready!"
Mr. Garrison,Alright!
Kobe Bryant,Tee. T- Time to- leave?
Mr. Garrison,"T is for ""time to leave,"" cashchucker!"
Kobe Bryant,I'm callin' the police.
Skeeter,I think we scared 'im.
Jimbo,"Yeah. Next house we'll do a capital T, to show 'em we REALLY mean business!"
Men,Yeah!
Frederick,"Now Token, polo is very simple. You simply must hit the williard into some cilium with your fracaman."
Token,"Well, yeah, but can't we just play without these uncomfortable uniforms?"
Frederick,"""Can't we play without the uniforms?"" Yes, um. Lert's eat caviar without Bellini's as well!  Now come, Token, and remember: it doesn't matter who wins. It matters who wins three times in a row. Tally ho!"
Players,Tally ho!
Player 1,Oh!
Player 2,Yay!
Player 3,This is exciting.
Player 4,"Oh, Frederick, this is wonderful!"
Cartman,What in the hell are they doing?
Kyle,Is that fun?
Stan,"I don't know. We don't have horses, so we can't play."
Cartman,"Well, let's just play our game, then."
Kyle,Alright.
Cartman,"Alright, I'll start. I'll kick you in the nuts, Kenny!"
Kenny,(Ow!)
Kyle,"I'll kick you in the nuts, Stan!"
Stan,"I'll kick you in the nuts, Cartman!"
Cartman,Kick his nutsack!
Frederick,"You see, you must pay attention, Token. I was able to jollyrow your davishmere with a forecastle."
Token,This game is too confusing. How about we have a snowball fight?
Player,A snowball fight?
Lisa,How barbaric.
Frederick,"Yes, Token, if you want to play such savage games, I suggest you go live with lions."
Token,I don't fit in anywhere.
Passenger 1,"Hey! What are you doing? If you're going to ride the bus in South Park, you're gonna have to sit in the FRONT!"
Passengers,Yeah
Passenger 2,"Yeah, that's where the first-class seating is!"
Passenger 1,"Yeah. How do you like that, richer?!"
Bill Cosby,"Well it's very nice, actually"
Passenger 1,"Yeah, I'll bet it is!"
Bill Cosby,"Very, very comfy."
Passenger 1,"Uh huh, looks like it."
Token,"Hello, my name is Token. I don't fit in with all the kids at South Park Elementary so, I invited a bunch of rich kids to move to town. The problem is, I don't fit in with them, either. That's why I've come to live with you.  So if you'll have me and raise me as one of your own, I promise to be the best lion I could be.  Uuuh, yeah."
Chef,"Shovel that snow, babih, it's all nice, heavy and wet. Just-"
Millionaire Protesters,We shall perservere. We shall perservere.
Oprah Winfrey,"You there, come march with us!"
Chef,For what?
Oprah Winfrey,All the poor people in town think they can persecute and harass us decent rich folk.
Will Smith,So we're uniting and marching on the town square!
Kobe Bryant,The Million Millionaire March!
Millionaire Protesters,Yeah!
Oprah Winfrey,"Come on, brother!"
Chef,But... I'm not rich.
Will Smith,What?
Chef,I'm just a school cafeteria chef. Ahah I don't make much money.
Will Smith,We'll give you a hundred dollars.
Chef,"Woo, fudge the snow now."
Millionaire Protesters,We shall perservere. We shall perservere.
Chef,I shall perservere. We shall perservere.
Token,RRrrr!!
Girl,"Look at the little black lion, Mommy."
Mom,"He's cute, isn't he?"
Token,Roar!
Lion 1,"What are you doing here, boy?"
Token,"You- you talked. I, I understood you. I must be becoming a lion!"
Lion 2,You're not becoming a lion. The only way you can do that is to see Aslan.
Token,Who's Aslan?
Lion 1,"Very well, walk this way."
Aslan,Is this the boy who's been living in our realm?
Lion 2,Yes.
Token,Are... you... Aslan?
Aslan,M-I am.
Token,"Well, I'm Token"
Aslan,"So, you want to live with the lions, do you?"
Token,Yes. Um. Great Aslan. I don't fit in anywhere else.
Aslan,And what makes you think you can fit it with us?
Token,"Well, I don't know."
Aslan,Do you like jokes?
Token,What?
Aslan,"Jokes! You know, funny, hahaaa. Us lions love jokes."
Token,...I like jokes a lot.
Aslan,"Mmm. Then there may be hoipe in you yet, young apprentice lion. Very well. We wihill let you stay, if... you can pull this thorn from my paw.  Go on, try it. Pull my thorn! Come on! Pull my thorm!  Ho ho ho ho ho ho! Ho ho!"
Token,So can I stay?
Aslan,He-you may. But being a lion may be harder than you think.
Reporter,"A billion billionaires are gathering their ranks and will be marchng on the town square tonight  in South Park to petition the end of separate bars, bus seating and restaurants. It looks like it will be a great turnout, as some of the millionaires also paid several thousand Mexicans to march for them."
Skeeter,"If they get that petition passed, it's all over."
Jimbo,I guess we learned our lesson: you can't fight rich folk; they're just too powerful.
Mr. Garrison,"Now, come on! Is that any way to talk?"
Skeeter,"They won, Garrison. They can't be scared out of town."
Mr. Garrison,No! We just haven't scared them the right way! Think about it. What scares rich people more than anything?
Jimbo,...Ghosts?
Mr. Garrison,Bingo! Rich people don't want to live in South Park if they think it's HAUNTED!
Men,Yeah!
Mr. Garrison,"Everyonen get some sheets from home! If we can't chase the richers out, we'll spook 'em out!"
Men,Alright! Yeah! Let's Go! Right!
Token,Huuuunh  Aslan.
Aslan,"Yes? What is it, young lion apprentice?"
Token,...I thnk I'm gonna go home now.
Aslan,Home. But I thought your friends made fun of you at home.
Token,"They do. But, I guess I learned something today. You see, even though kids at South Park make fun of me, I still like hanging around them more than snobby rich kids or, lions. Even though I may be different from them, I still like my old friends best."
Aslan,"It sounds like you learned much, young lion apprentice. Very well. But before you go, perhaps you would like... a stick of gum?"
Token,...No thanks.
Aslan,Go on. It's spearmint!
Token,"No, because there's a spring in there, and if I pull the gum out, it's gonna hurt my finger."
Aslan,"Oh. So you don't want any gum then? Are you... sure? Go on, try it!"
Token,Ow.
Aslan,That is good stuhuff!
Token,"Jesus, lions suck!"
Will Smith,"And so it is with great determination that us decent rich Americans have gathered to say: ""We will be separated no more!"""
Millionaires,Hooray!
Mayor McDaniels,"This certainly has been an enlightening evening. And as Mayor, I accept your petition and will abolish all separation laws."
Millionaires,Yeah!
Mayor McDaniels,And I want to assure the nation that is watching that South Park is not a town of prejudice or bigotry.
Voices,Woooooo!!
Oprah Winfrey,What the-?
Mayor McDaniels,God no.
Will Smith,AAAaaahhh!
Millionaire 1,"Carl, do you see what I see?"
Carl,"Yes, Martin. I do believe this town is hainted."
Will Smith,Kids! Go find the limo and get in!
Snoop Dogg,You didn't tell me this town was hainted!
Will Smith,I didn't know!  I.. DIDN'T... KNOHOHOHOW...
Skeeter,It's working!
Gerald,They're scared to death!
Millionaire,Pack up your things quickly! We've got to get out of here!
Stan,"Oh hey, there's Token."
Token,Hey guys.
Stan,"Dude, we're gonna play football. Do you wanna play?"
Token,"You mean, you want me around?"
Stan,"Sure, dude, you're our friend."
Token,"Yeah, I know. But you guys always rip on me for bein' rich."
Stan,"Dude, just because we rip on you for being rich doesn't mean we don't like you."
Kyle,"Yeah. We're guys, dude. We find something about all our friends to rip on. We made fun of you for being rich just like we make fun of Butters for being wimpy."
Butters,They sure do.
Stan,"Yeah, like we rip on Kyle for being a Jew."
Kyle,Right.
Token,"That's right, huh?"
Kyle,And Stan for being in love with Wendy.
Stan,"Yeah, I get it for that."
Kyle,And Cartman for being fat.
Cartman,Uh huh.
Kyle,And Cartman for being stupid.
Cartman,Yeah.
Kyle,And Cartman for having a whore for a mom.
Cartman,Hey.
Kyle,And Cartman for being a sadistic asshole
Cartman,"Ey, you did me already!"
Token,"You're right, guys. From now on, I'm fine with being made fun of for being rich."
Stan,"Oh, but we're not gonna rip on you for being rich anymore."
Token,You're not?
Kyle,"No dude. Because since you got your feelings so hurt for being ripped on, now we think you're a pussy."
Stan,"Yeah, so now you're a pussy. Pussaholic."
Kyle,"Come on, Nurse Token. We're gonna play football, you puss."
Cartman,Pussy.
Butters,"Heh yeah, later, puss."
Craig,"Ha, that guy's a pussy."
Token,Wait! I liked being ripped on for being rich better!
Skeeter,That was it. We just saw the last of them speeding away in a van!
Men,Alright!
Gerald,"They were so scared, I'm sure they'll never be back!"
Mr. Garrison,"That's great! And now we can sell all their homes, and become... millionaires!"
Men,What?
Jimbo,"But then you had us do all that for nothin'. Don't you see: If you get rich sellin' these homes, then there will still be rich people in South Park."
Randy,Yeah. You'd become what you hate.
Mr. Garrison,"Well yeah, but at least I got rid of all those damn ni-"
Doctor,"Alright, Ms. Sanders, all ready for your abortion?"
Ms. Sanders,"Ready as I'm ever going to be, I guess."
Doctor,"Well, try to relax; It will all be over very soon."
Ms. Sanders,"Docter, can we turn off that television?"
Doctor,"Oh yes, I 'm sorry.Now, there is one more thing."
Ms. Sanders,What?
Doctor,Have you heard of stem-cell research?
Ms. Sanders,"Uh-I've heard of it on the news, but... I don't know what it is."
Doctor,"Well basically, a lot of amazing studies have shown that stem cells might be used to fight cancer and a myriad of other diseases. Right now, a lot of stem cells come from the tissue of aborted fetuses-  ah- I'm sorry, unwanted children. And if you sign a release, that tissue can go to studies."
Ms. Sanders,"Oh well, I suppose, if it can help others."
Doctor,The hope is that someday it might.
Ms. Sanders,"Well okay. Doctor:	Great.  Well, here we go."
Doctor,Nurse?  This is to go to Alder's Labs for stem-cell research.
Nurse,"Yes, Doctor."
Truck Driver,...going places that I've never beenSeeing things that I may never see a- Uuugh!  Jesus Christ!!
Cartman,My baby takes the morning train and she takes another home again. Hmm.  What do we have heah?
Stan,Well that burned a long time.
Kyle,"Yeah, that was pretty good."
Stan,"Oh dude, there goes one."
Kyle,'K go!
"Stan, Kyle",Alright!
Kenny,(That's awesome)
Kyle,"You've had that cough a while, Kenny. You okay?"
Kenny,(All right. I'm fine.)
Butters,"Hehehey, fellas! Ah, hey fellas!"
Stan,"What, Butters?"
Butters,Eric says you gotta come to his house right away.
Stan,Tell him we're busy.
Butters,"Oh, ah, well, he knew you'd say that, so, he told me to tell you that you don't wanna miss this."
Kyle,"What, did he lose a hundred pounds?"
Butters,"Yeah, he ah knew you'd say that, too, so he said t'say, uh, up your ass, Jew.  Yeah."
Stan,"Alright, let's go see what he wants."
Butters,"Oh, it's all sticky."
Kyle,"Alright, Cartman! What's so important you had to pull us away from lighting cow crap on fire?!"
Cartman,"Oh you guys, you're not gonna believe it!"
Stan,What?
Cartman,Guess what I have sitting in my back yard?
Kyle,A trampoline?
Cartman,Better.
Stan,A boat?
Cartman,Better.
Kenny,(A football machine?)
Cartman,Better.
Stan,"Well WHAT, Cartman?"
Cartman,Thirty-three aborted fetuses.  Oh yes.
Kyle,...What?
Cartman,"Mint condition, tax free."
Stan,"Cartman, what the hell are you doing with aborted fetuses?!"
Kyle,I'm leaving right now!
Cartman,"Oh, I guess you don't watch the news, Kyle!"
Kyle,"You've never watched the news, fatass!  And what the hell does that have to do with anything?!"
Cartman,"Stem cells, numbnuts!"
Stan,Stem cells?
Kyle,"Oh, and what do you know about stem cells?!"
Kenny,(What the fuck are stem cells?)
Kyle,"They're cells that come from fetuses, and some research show that they could be used to treat diseases."
Cartman,"It's been proven, Jew! I saw it on 3-2-1 Contact. With all the research that's going on, stem cells are worth three times their weight in gold. What I have in my back yard is an aborted treasure chest."
Kyle,...I hate you so much.
Cartman,Fine! I don't need you assholes! I can sell these fetuses all on my own!
Cartman,"Hello. Is this the University of Colorado Biology Department? ...Great, uh I understand you're currently doing research on stem cells? Kewl, because I'm currently in possession of some aborted fetuses that I'm looking to unload? ...Uh, how much do you pay? ...No, no, come on, ah I got a guy who's gonna give me eighty dollars a pound right now. ...How about a hundred? ...Oh you're breaking my balls- I, I'll think about it.Bosnod Medical Group? ...Yeah, I called earlier about the stem cells and the fetuses? ...Okay, hi Randy, yeah. ...Oh yes, they've been kept in a cool temperature, yeah. ...These are primo fetuses, Randy, I wouldn't jerk you around. ...So what can your company give me for 'em? ...Oh Randy, you're breaking my balls here. ...You're breaking my balls, Randy. Oh plehease! Okay, you tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for seventy cents on the dollar? You tell me, Chuck? ...Yeah, I didn't think so-You know, I'm just like the fetuses, Chuck. I wasn't born yesterday, either. Uh huh. ...So are you gonna talk to me, or are we just gonna keep bullshitting each other? Breakin' my balls, Chuck. I gotta unload these fetuses, you wanna do some research. Are we talkin' here or what? You're breaking my balls. ...I'm telling you, if you let this deal pass you by, you're making a fetal mistake.  That's a joke  ...A hundred ten. ...Alright, alright, we got a deal. ...Good bye.  Damn I'm good."
Receptionist,Can I help you?
Cartman,"Yes, I'm making a delivery of these fetuses hyah?"
Receptionist,"Oh, right, the fetuses. We were very lucky you called. Our last shipment of fetuses was lost in a truck accident."
Cartman,"Gee, that's terrible. So, uh who do I talk to about payment?"
Researcher,"This is awful, just awful!"
Receptionist,Oh Larry! This young man has some new fetuses for research.
Cartman,"You're gonna love these fetuses, Larry. They're top notch."
Larry,"Oh well, I'm sorry, but we can't buy those from you now."
Cartman,"...What?! We made a deal, Larry! I brought them all the way down here already!"
Larry,I'm afraid the government has just put a ban on stem-cell research.
Receptionist,A ban? Why?
Larry,"Too many people were upset about using aborted fetal tissue for a study. It's too bad, too. We really coulda helped a lot of people."
Cartman,"Ay! What the hell am I supposed to do with these things, huh?! Goddammit!"
Stan,"Dude, it looks like Cartman and Kenny are ditching school again."
Kyle,"Yeah, they're gonna get busted again."
Ms. Choksondik,"Alright, class, let's take our seats.  Now, uh, before we get started, Stan and Kyle? Uh, the principal needs to see you in her office."
Stan,"The principal? Aw, come on!"
Kyle,"We don't know where Cartman is, Ms. Choksondik!"
Ms. Choksondik,She needs to see you now!
Kyle,"Aw man, here we go again! Use the Jew as a scapegoat."
Principal Victoria,"Hello, boys."
Stan,Wait. What's going on here?
Kyle,"Alright, we don't know for sure why Cartman is ditching school, but it has something to do with abortion. That's all we know."
Mr. Mackey,"You didn't do anything wrong boys. We just need to talk to you. Have a seat.  Boys, uh... your little friend Kenny went to the hospital last night, m'kay.  And well, he's pretty sick."
Kyle,Kenny's sick?
Stan,Well how sick?
Chef,"Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with a... terminal disease."
Stan,"...but... the doctors are gonna make him better, right?"
Sharon,Oh dear.
Stan,"Mom? That's what hospitals are for. They, they can make him better."
Sharon,Randy...
Randy,"They don't think so, Stanley. Your... your friend is terminally ill, and that means.. Well son,... th- that means he's going to be going to heaven soon."
Kyle,Wait. Kenny's going to die?
Gerald,"...He might, Kyle."
Stan,...But... he's our... fu... fufu- friend.
Mr. Mackey,"We know, and that's why he's going to need you boys to be strong for him, m'kay? He needs you now more than ever."
Stan,No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die! Kenny can't die!!
Cartman,"Come on, Jack, you gotta be able to offer me more than that. ...Yes, I realize there's a ban on stem-cell research, but I've got thirty-some-odd human fetuses in my backyard! I'm sure there's other research your company can do with them. ...You'll take one? Okay, how much for one? ...Aw, Jack, you're breaking my balls here, Jack.Yes, hello, is this Captain Bly's Seafood Restaurant? ...Yeah, hi, I've got a shipment of about thrity-one of the most succulent shrimp from the West Indies. ...These are killer shrimp, Gary, your customers are gonna love 'em. ...What kind of price you payin' for shrimp? ...Oh, Gary, you're breakin' my balls, Gary. How about ten and a quarter? ...Balls, Gary. Breakin' 'em. ...Alright, I'll call you back."
Liane,"Sweetie, your friends are downstairs. They need to see you."
Cartman,"Not now, Mom, I've only unloaded three feti; I've gotta sell the rest before they spoil."
Liane,They say it's an emergency.
Cartman,"Buh, alright.  eh, Butters?"
Butters,"Uh, yeah?"
Cartman,Are you through databasing the clientele sheet?
Butters,"Eh, just about."
Cartman,"Alright, well, you gotta take over the telemarketing for a bit."
Butters,"Oh. Well, uh okay."
Cartman,Just remember what I taught you and follow protocol. Next number to try is on the list.
Butters,"Right.  Uh hello? Is this Mr. Thompson with Anatomy Research? ...Yes, uh, hello sir. Uh, aah, we have a surplus of unborn fetuses that we think you can use for a ...dissection study. Uh huh, ah, how much do you pay for that? ...You're breaking my balls. ...I said, you're breaking my balls, Mr. Thompson. ...My, my balls."
Cartman,"What is this, a PTA meeting?"
Kyle,Cartman.  Kenny's in the hospital.
Cartman,In the ...hospital? Why?
Kyle,"They told us he has a m-muscular disease. An and, that ...and that he, he might die."
Cartman,Die? Kenny?
Stan,Don't you say that! Kenny's not gonna die!
Sheila,"I'm going to go take the boys to go see him at the hospital, Eric. We thought you might wanna come."
Cartman,"Yeah. Yeah, of course. Let me get my coat."
Doctor,"There we go, little buddy."
Kenny,"(Thank you, Doc.)"
Doctor,You sure you don't wanna take your jacket off; it's pretty warm.
Kenny,(I'm all right)
Nurse,"Hey, look who has some visitors."
Doctor,"Hmm, what a lucky little man. We'll be right outside if you need us, Kenny."
Kyle,"Hey dude, how's it going?"
Kenny,"(I'm okay, I guess.)"
Cartman,We got you a present: it's a Gobo fighter.
Kyle,"Heh, don't, don't tell him what it is, dude."
Cartman,"Heh, sorry."
Kyle,"Hey, uh- we were all just talkin' about how when you get better, we're all gonna go down to Stark's Pond again and go camping. Huh, Stan?"
Stan,I-
Kyle,"Stan?  Stan, where are you going?"
Stan,"I can't, I just can't."
Kyle,"Dude, he needs us right now."
Stan,"I can't see him like that, Kyle. All those hoses and wires. He's a kid, dude. He's s'posed to be running around and laughing."
Kyle,"I, I know it's tough but-  Look at me!  I know it's tough, okay?! I know! But we have to be tough right now!"
Stan,"And what are we supposed to do, huh?! Stand in that room and keep making small talk?! Make believe like everything's okay?! I CAN'T DO IT!"
Kyle,"Look, however hard you think it for you, it's a lot harder for him!"
Stan,Just leave me alone!
Kyle,"Stan, you can't leave!"
Stan,"I'm not the one who's leaving, he is!"
Cartman,"...You know, it's funny, Kenny. Stan and Kyle have always been sort of two best friends, you know, and... well I- I don't know if I ever told you this, Kenny, but um... I kind of always thought you were my best f-friend. I don't know."
Kenny,"(Eric, well you're my best friend, too.)"
Nurse,"Okay, we're gonna need to get Kenny some time to sleep now."
Cartman,"Don't you worry, Kenny. I I'm gonna find a cure for you. Everything's gonna be okay!"
Kyle,Cartman?
Cartman,"Oh, Kyle. Hey, what's goin' down, Jew-boy?"
Kyle,"Cartman, were you... crying?"
Cartman,"' No! No, I mean, I, I got somethin' in my eyes. It's this uh, the air in here is just- uh.  Oh man."
Kyle,"Hey Cartman.  I care a lot about him, too."
Cartman,"I'm gonna find a cure, Kyle. I swear to God I'm gonna find a cure."
Kyle,"Sure you will, Cartman. Sure you will."
Larry,"This is where the bulk of our research was being done. But due to the government ban, we're mostly just packing things up."
Cartman,"Doctor, can you tell me exactly how stem cells work?"
Larry,"Look, you have trillions of cells in your body: heart cells, skin cells, brain cells, and so on. But before a cell is designated as a toenail cell or a pancreas cell, it's what we call a stem cell. Sort of like a blank cell. Do you understand?"
Cartman,"Not at all, but go on."
Larry,"Because these cells are blanks, they will often program themselves based on what cells you put around them. You see this rat? Earlier this year, we surgically removed the middle of her spine. then we injected her with some stem cells and... they became the missing part of the spine."
Cartman,My God...
Larry,Nerve cells damaged by Parkinson's disease or heart tissue of cardiac patients might ultimately be replaced by tissue grown from stem cells.
Cartman,"So then, could stem cells be used on someone whose muscle tissue is wasting away? In other words, if a little boy was dying from a muscular disease, the stem cells could become new muscle tissue."
Larry,That's the theory.
Cartman,"Well, so then, if the stem cells are placed nest to s Shakey's Pizza, they would become another Shakey's Pizza! And you'd have your own Shakey's Pizza where you didn't have to charge yourself to eat!"
Larry,"Well, no. To build another Shake's it would be better to use lumber."
Cartman,Hmmm.
Larry,"But, unfortunately, the government has banned stem cell research and so... we'll never know."
Cartman,Looks like someone is gonna have to try and change the government's mind.
Larry,Where are you going?
Cartman,"There's a pretty brave kid fighting for his life in the hospital right now, doctor. I'm gonna get him some bigger boxing gloves."
Larry,Hey kid.  Give 'em hell. Give 'em hell.
Cartman,"Oh, doctor.  Thanks. Thanks."
Larry,"Oh, hey kid.  Good luck. Good luck."
Cartman,"Oh, and doctor. ...Ah, never mind."
Kyle,"...And see? Here's one from Butters. It says, ""We can't wait to see you back in school, Kenny."" And it has a picture of him and you in a little airplane!"
Chef,"Oh, isn't that nice? You've got lots of friends, don't you Kenny?"
Kenny,(Yes.)  (But what about Stan?)
Kyle,"Stan? Oh. Well, no, there's nothing here from Stan, but, well, Stan's gonna come and see you real soon, I bet, Kenny."
Kenny,(I hope so)
Nurse,"Hey, look who's here."
Kenny,(Stan??)
Woman,"Hello, Kenny, I'm Laura Jones, and this is Bob Ferrin."
Bob,We're with the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
Ms. McCormick,"Oh, Kenny, isn't that nice?"
Kenny,(The Make-A-Wish Foundation?)
Laura,We travel the country given special little boys and girls like you their biggest wish.
Kyle,"Neat, huh Kenny?"
Kenny,(Yes.)
Laura,"So Kenny, if you could have ONE wish, what would it be?"
Bob,"What's your wish, pal?"
Kenny,(I guess the only thing I wish is to not die.)
Laura,What did he say?
Kyle,He said his wish is not to die.
Laura,"...O-kay, and, what if you're gonna have two wishes, what would the second one be?"
Bob,"I know! I bet you wanna meet Madonna, huh?"
Kenny,(No. Fuckin' Madonna...)
Bob,Wu- what was that?
Kyle,"He said Madonna is an old anorexic whore who wore out her welcome years ago, and that now she suddenly speaks with a British accent and she thinks she can play guitar and she should go fuck herself."
Madonna,Should I come in now?
Bob,Uh no not quite yet.
Chef,"Hello there, children."
Stan,Hey Chef.
Chef,How's it goin'?
Stan,Bad.
Chef,Yeah. Things have been better.
Stan,"Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why? Kenny's my fr-f-f-friend. Why can't God take someone else's f-f-friend?"
Chef,"Stan, sometimes God takes those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about himself. He is a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago. He just can't get over it, so he doesn't care who he takes. Children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand."
Stan,"But then, why does God give us anything to start with?"
Chef,"Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first you give it a lollipop. Then you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then it would have nothin' to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and help just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power."
Stan,I think I understand.
Cartman,"My name is Eric Cartman and I live in Colorado. My best friend in the whole world is Kenny McCormick and he, he's sick right now. He's real sick. He's only eight years old and his doctors don't think he has very long to live. Look, I realize that using the tissue from aborted fetuses for research is a touchy subject, but... All I know is that if there's a chance, a... chance that stem-cell research could save my best friend's life, well... I guess I owe it to him to try and change your minds.  I love Kenny McCormick and...  I want you to love him too.  And I uh, I'm not the best speaker in the world. Maybe I can put it best in the words of a timeless song It was the heat of the moment telling me what your heart meantThe heat of the moment shone in your eyesI never meant to be so bad to youOne thing I said that I would never do"
Congressman 1,One look from you and I would fall from grace.
Congressman 2,And that would wipe the smile right from my face.
"Congressman 1, Cartman",Do you remember when we used to dance?
A few Congressmen,And incidents arose from circumstance?
Everyone,One thing led to another; we were young And we would scream together songs unsungIt was the heat of the momentTelling me what our hearts meantThe heat of the momentshone in your eyes
Cartman,"And so you see, now that the ban on stem-cell research has been lifted, we can sell your fetus to companies like Alder Labs."
Woman,"Oh, I don't know."
Cartman,"Look, I can offer you seventy-five dollars for that fetus right now, Jill."
Jill,"Seventy-five dollars? Well, alright."
Cartman,"Great, just sign right here, please.  Hi. Havin' an abortion today?  Great.  Listen, if you'd like to sell your abortion for research I'm offering uh, seventy-five dollars. Help you out a little bit with your medical bill in there.  And you sign right here.  Uh excuse me, ma'am. Can I interest you in selling your aborted fetus?"
Woman 2,We're not going to the abortion clinic. I'm going to have this baby.
Cartman,"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, because uh, there's a little boy dying in a hospital right now who sure could use that baby more than you could. The stem cells from your fetus could help save his life."
Man,"Oh. Well, I guess we can always... just make another one."
Woman 2,"Oh Mark, I love you."
Cartman,Alright! Now Kenny has a fighting chance.
Head nurse,"Young man, do you know where you're going?"
Stan,"Yeah. I'm gonna see my friend, because he needs me right now."
Head nurse,All right!
Man In Wheelchair,Go kid!
Man On Crutches,Good for you!
Stan,"Hey, Kenny!  Oh no.  No."
Kyle,He just... He just... stopped breathing. And it was over.
Stan,"But...  I didn't get to see him. Hell I, I didn't get to sssay good-bye.  Did he say anything before he went?"
Kyle,"He just said... ""Where's Stan?"""
Mr. Garrison,"And so, we will all miss Kenny, his playful laughter, his innocent smile. But we will never forget that it was because of brave Kenny that stem-cell research was allowed to continue."
Stan,I let Kenny down. I'm his worst f-f-f-friend.
Cartman,You guys! Come quick!
Kyle,"What, Cartman?"
Cartman,"It's...  Why, it's a miracle, you guys!"
Stan,"What, Cartman? What's happened?"
Cartman,"Look.  I put the stem cells from all the fetuses I had next to a Shakey's, and they ARE replicating a new Shakey's!  It worked!"
Stan,"This whole time, you were just using Kenny's illness to lift the ban on stem cell research so you could sell your stupid fetuses?"
Cartman,Stupid fetuses? It's my own Shakey's!
Kyle,"I actually hugged you. I held you in my arms and, and, cried with you."
Cartman,"I think I only need a hundred or so more aborted babies,  and I can finish up the kitchen."
Kyle,AAARGH!
Cartman,Aah! Kyle!  Kyle!
Stan,"Hey, I wasn't Kenny's worst f-f-f-friend!  Cartman was!"
Butters,"Heh-alright, Mom, I'm all done wrappin' Dad's anniversary present for ya."
Chris,"Oh, is it someone's anniversary soon?"
Linda,"Oh, you!"
Chris,"Just kidding.  Oh, I wonder what it is."
Butters,"It's a-  Awww, shucks,  I can't tell you. Uh, but it's really nifty."
Chris,"Well, looks like we're gonna have to do somethin' extra-special for Mommy and Daddy's anniversary this year. How about on Saturday we all go have dinner at Bennigan's!"
Butters,"Bennigan's?? Oh, boy, you mean it??  Whoopee, at Bennigan's I'm gonna get the Rain Champ baby-back ribs!"
Linda,"Calm down there, cowboy. You've still got four days."
Butters,"Four days? Oh, I don't know how I'm gonna wait that long!"
Choir,Who's the boy that can laugh at a storm cloud?Turn a frown into a smile for free?Who's the kid with a heart full of magic?Everyone knows it's Butters!
Butters,That's me.
Choir,Who's the boy with the eyes full of wonder?Who thinks being yourself is the best thing to be?Who's that rascal with the tweezers in his pocket?Everyone knows it's Butters!
Butters,That's me.
Choir,"Jumpin' in puddles, skippin' down the hallwayPettin' at the petting zoo. He loves John Alway.Who's that tyke with the cutest little dimples,Battin' his eyes at every puppy he sees?If you look inside yourself, you might be surprised when you findA little boy named Butters!"
Butters,"Thaat's that's me,  Yeah. ."
Butters,Three more days till we eat at Bennigan's. That's s-seventy-two hours. Aw gee whiz.
Chris,"Well, if you two will excuse me, I need to go and buy a certain special lady her anniversary present. Linda: I hope he means me, haha. Butters: Don't be silly, Mom. Of course he means you."
Chris,"I'll be back in a little bit.  Butters, you're in charge of the house."
Butters,Yes sir!
Linda,"Oh, I wonder what he's gonna get me this year?"
Butters,We won't know until we're at Bennigan's.
Linda,"Every year it's the same. Your father gets me some great gift and my gift to him falls short.  I've just got to outdo him this year, I've just got to."
Butters,Dad's a good shopper all right.
Linda,"Butters, maybe you could secretly follow your dad and see what he's getting me."
Butters,"You mean, spy on him? Uh but... ain't that kind of like... fibbin'?"
Linda,"No, it's a little different. You remember when the nice policeman gave you a badge and made you an honorary inspector?"
Butters,Sure I do!
Linda,"Why, I think Inspector Butters could find out what Daddy'd getting Mommy without him ever knowing.  What do you say?"
Butters,"Inspector Butters in on the case, ma'am!"
Choir,Everyone know it's Butters!
Butters,"Uh, that's me!"
Butters,Hm. Dad's going to see a movie. How nice.
Butters,"""White Swallow Bath House"""
Choir,Everyone know it's Butters!
Butters,"Uh, that's me!"
Butters,"I'm back, Ma!"
Linda,"Oh, hi sweetie. Did you get to follow your dad around?"
Butters,I sure did.  Dad sure had a nice night out.
Linda,"Well, did you see what he got me for our anniversary?"
Butters,"Well first, he went to see a movie."
Linda,A movie? Hmmm. I wonder why he'd wanna see a movie by himself.
Butters,"I don't know. But it wasn't the movie theater at the mall. No, it was that, really old theater downtown. The Studcat.  I didn't know it was open."
Linda,Wait a minute. What was the movie called?
Butters,"""Fisting Firemen 9""  I've never seen 1 through 8."
Linda,Oh my God...
Butters,"Uh but it must have been a real short movie, though, because Dad came out, like, ten minutes later. ...And it must have been a sad film, too, because, he had a bunch of tissue paper with him when he came out. Poor old Dad, the movie really got to him."
Linda,"Butters, where did Daddy go after the movie?"
Butters,To the gym.
Linda,To the gym?
Butters,Yeah. The White Swallow Spa.
Linda,Gaah!
Butters,"Yep. He went in there and wrestled with all kinds o' guys. He wasn't too good, though. This one black guy had him pinned down for fifteen minutes straight!"
Linda,...Butters? Are you sure about this? You have to be absolutely sure!
Butters,"Inspector Butters gets all the facts. I even got some neato pictures.  The only thing I can't figure out is why dad told you he was goin' shoppin' for your present when he was goin' out to see the movies an' wrestlin'.  Oh, did you have a nice ""trip,"" Mom? See you next ""fall."" Hahaha, yo- Ma?"
Choir,...Butters!
Butters,"Uh, that's me!"
Linda,Paaiint. Must paaiint. Everything clean. Paaiint.
Chris,"Well, honey, you've painted the entire house. Three times."
Linda,Must paaiint. Everything clean. Everything new!
Chris,"Say Butters, m-I'm havin' real trouble finding an anniversary present for Mom. Any ideas?"
Butters,Hm. Uh-I can't think of one.
Chris,"Well then, it looks like I'm gonna have to go out shopping again."
Linda,Ungh. Paaiint. Everything clean. Everything new. Paaiint.
Chris,I'll be back in a little while.
Butters,"Should I go see what he gets you again, Mom?"
Linda,I don't think Daddy's shopping. I think Daddy's going out wrestling again.  Paaiint.  Paaiint.  Must be made clean. New.
Butters,"Hey, a new paint brush. That's what Dad could get Mom for their anniversary. I gotta go tell him."
Linda,Must clean Butters.  Clean. Never be clean. Must...  kill? The only way? Must kill Butters.  Paaiint.
Choir,...Butters!
Butters,That's me!
Butters,One please.
Attendant,Locker two thirteen!
Butters,Uh thanks!
Butters,"Dad?  Dad, you in here?"
Butters,Hello? Eh-anybody in here?
Man,"There, do you think that works?"
Mr. Garrison,"Well, that's four fingers; try five."
Butters,"Uh, Mr. Garrison?"
Mr. Garrison,...Who is that?!
Butters,Da-ad? Da-ad??  Are you wrestlin' in here?  Dad?
Mr. Slave,This room's taken.
Butters,"Oh, uh, pardon me, sirs.  Dad? No.  Hm."
Chris,OOH! BUTTERS!
Butters,Hi Dad!
Chris,Oh God! Aaah! Ohhh!
Butters,"I'm glad I found ya. I think I know the perfect anniversary present for Mom. But what are you doin' with your wiener out there, Dad?"
Chris,"Butters, you need... to leave here right now! You need to... get out of here, egeh... Go home and wait for me to talk to talk to you."
Butters,"Oh. Well, alright then. Well, see ya at home."
Chris,"Oh, Jesus, no. OH, what have I done?"
Choir,Everyone knows it's Butters!
Butters,That's me!
Chris,Butters! Oh Butters! Could you come and see me in my study real quick?
Butters,"Uh, hey Dad."
Chris,"Come here, son.  I wanna have a talk with you."
Butters,"Well, sure thing, Dad."
Chris,"Son, I wanted to talk to you about lying."
Butters,"Well, I know lying's bad, Dad. Y-you told me so."
Chris,"Yes, it sure can be.  But, there are also times when distorting the truth a little, uh, is appropriate. These are called ""little white lies."""
Butters,Little white lies?
Chris,"You see, sometimes telling a little white lie is okay. Like, for instance, when you catch your father jacking off in a gay men's bath house."
Butters,"...Uh, who's Jack?"
Chris,"Butters, the point is that, I think that if you told Mommy what Daddy was doing tonight, well, she might go completely insane."
Butters,"Oh no, that won't happen, Dad."
Chris,"It won't? Oh, good."
Butters,"Eh, no. Because I already told Mom and she's fine."
Chris,You... what?
Linda,"Butters, Mommy wants to take you for a little drive now."
Butters,"A drive? Oh, boy!  I- I love a good drive. Is Dad comin' too?"
Linda,"No, sweetie, Daddy needs to sit and think."
Butters,"Alright. See ya in a bit, Dad.  Oh boy, a drive!"
Butters,"Oh, jeez, you wouldn't have believed how angry I was when Teacher said I had to share my fingerpaints, because I've been sharin' them all along."
Linda,"Butters, you know that Mommy loves you an awful lot, don't you?"
Butters,"Well, sure I do, Mom. I love you, too."
Linda,"And sometimes mommies do things that seem hurtful to their babies, but it's really for the best."
Butters,"Oh, you mean like the time you washed my mouth out with soap for sayin' ""nutsack"" in front of Grandma. Yeah, I need to behave myself."
Linda,"If a mommy has to end her life, she can't let her baby alone in the world to be raised by a sick pervert."
Butters,"Well, sure, that makes sense, I suppose, yeah. Hey, did you seen my mittens anywhere?  It's cold out here."
Linda,"I'm going to get out of the car now, Butters.  I want you to stay put with your seat belt fastened."
Butters,"Oh. Well, alright, Mom. O-o-okay then.  You know, I think the car might be movin', Mom.  Yep, I'm pretty sure the car is movin'. Looks like I'm headin' for the water."
Linda,"Shhh. Shhh. It's okay, baby. Mommy will be with you very soon."
Butters,"Well, I think I- Yup, it looks like the car is fillin' up with water!  Yeah. I think right now might be a good time to try to get the car out, Mom!"
Choir,Everyone knows it's Butters!
Butters,That's me!
Linda,"""Dear bastard husband,"" No.  ""Dear lying sonofabitch,"" No.  ""Dear assface,"" Yeah, that's it. ""I will no longer-"""
Chris,Linda?? What are you doing??
Linda,"Stay away from me, bastard!"
Chris,"Linda, I know this is very hard-"
Linda,You don't know anything!
Chris,"I've been wanting to stop going to those places, Linda, but I couldn't. I still love you!"
Linda,"Then why, Chris, why?!"
Chris,"It just... it started as some curiosity on the Internet. I would chat with other married guys in the chat rooms and... Well the things they would talk about, Linda, I, I don't know why I found it exciting. I just did, and it, and it grew from there and it spun out of control, and- eh, ugh, DAMN YOU, INTERNET!"
Linda,"Well,  you don't have to worry about your family being in your way anymore!"
Chris,"No, Linda! I don't want that lifestyle! It's just kind of an addiction. I want help. And I'm going to get help. Please, just give me a chance to make this all up to you.  We can have a normal life!"
Linda,"There is no going back, Chris!"
Chris,Sure there is!
Linda,No!  Our son is dead!
Chris,What?
Linda,"I killed him.  I was going to end it all, and everything spun out of control for me. I drowned Butters in the car, Chris!"
Chris,"Oh no.  No! No, no, Jesus! Linda, what were you thinking?"
Linda,"I WASN'T THINKING!  I couldn't think! You destroyed my life, you!  Oh, God, what have I done?! Oh, Butter-her-hers-ss-ss-"
Chris,This can't be happening! This is a bad dream.
Linda,Just go away and let me die!
Chris,"No! Linda, we-"
Linda,"I'm a murderer, Chris! I don't have a life now!"
Chris,"Linda, Butters is gone.  Oh Christ, if Butters is gone, then... there's nothing we can do about that. But I won't let you go to jail, I promise, Linda! Pleeease!"
Butters,"Oh, boy! This thing ain't never gonna stop! I must be all the way down to Denver by now.  Ohhh, whoopee! Finally. Uh now that the car has come to a stop, it's safe for me to unfasten my seat belt.  Boy, Mom must be- worried sick about- me right now. Ah I gotta get back home.  Wuh gee whiz, where the heck am I?"
Butters,That's me!
News 4 Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing in front of the home of Chris and Linda Stotch. They're living every parent's nightmare right now, as last night, while Ms. Stotch was driving with her son in the car, a man stopped her, put a gun to her head, and took her son away. When asked who the man was, Ms. Stotch replied, ""Some Puerto Rican guy."" Naturally, the police are in an all-out manhunt for Some Puerto Rican Guy.  Uh, it looks like the parents are about to make a statement, Tom."
Reporter 1,Mrs. Stotch? Mrs. Stotch? Any word yet from the man who took your son?
Linda,"No, no, not yet. But if you're out there, we beg you: we just want our baby returned safely back to us."
News 4 Reporter,"Mrs. Stotch, what did the kidnapper look like?"
Linda,Puerto Rican.
Reporter 2,Was he tall? Short?
Linda,"He was... average Puerto Rican height. Please, just bring our baby back to me."
Choir,...Butters!
Butters,That's me!
Butters,"And so them my friend started hollerin' at me, sayin' ""you took my rubber bands."" Well, I didn't take 'em, Craig, did. I saw Craig take 'em. Anyway, boy, I sure am lucky you came along, Mister."
Truck Driver,"Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some God-damned poontang."
Butters,"Yeah. I could use some God-damned poontang myself right now. Have you ever been to Bennigan's, Mister? Oh, it sure is great. I'm goin' to Bennigan's tomorrow night with my family. Oh, I can just see it now.  We'll walk in the front doors,  and the nice Bennigan's hostess lady will take us to our cozy booth  Then we'll order some mozzarella sticks, for appetizers.  Dad will open his present, and Mom will open hers  Uh then the Bennigan's wait staff will singHappy Happy Anniversary from everyone at Bennigan's''Happy Happy Anniversary-eh from everyone at Bennigan'sHappy Happy Anniversary from everyone at Bennigan'sHappy Ha- Whoa, are we stoppin' for sodas? Hey, can I have chocolate milk?  He must like TGI Fridays."
Police Chief,Let us handle it.  Barbrady?
Barbrady,Hello?
Butters,"Oh. Hello? Uh, who is this?"
Barbrady,Who is this?
Butters,"Uh, is this the Stotch residence?"
Barbrady,Yes. Are you calling about the abduction?
Butters,...No.
Barbrady,"Oh. Well, are you Puerto Rican?"
Butters,...No.
Barbrady,"We need to keep this line clear. Call back another day.  It wasn't the abductors, sorry."
Officer 1,Chief! Two more parents from the next town over have shown up saying their child might have been killed by the same guy that took the Stotch boy.
Police Chief,Really?
Officer 2,"This is John and Patsy Ramsey, from Boulder."
John Ramsey,"We saw your story on the news, and we were so sorry to hear about your loss."
Patsy Ramsey,"Our daughter was killed a few years ago, in our house."
Linda,"Yes, I... remember hearing something about that."
John Ramsey,A and we realized... The man that murdered your son must be the same person that killed our daughter!
Patsy Ramsey,"Yes, because we certainly didn't do it! No."
John Ramsey,"No, huh."
Patsy Ramsey,No.
Chris,"Well, our son was ab-ducted. We don't know that he's dead yet."
The Ramseys,Riiight.
Choir,...Butters!
Butters,That's me!
Butters,Sir? Hello?
Mechanic,"Hallo, what can I do for ya?"
Butters,"Wah I have to get to South Park. Eh, if you give me a ride, I could pay you the four dollars I made at the titty bar."
Mechanic,"Sarrih, wife took the car to Estes Park for the weekend. Won't be back until Sunday, hyeah. I can give you a ride Sunday, if ya like."
Butters,I can't wait till Sunday. I'm eating with my family at Bennigan's tomorrow.
Mechanic,"Well, then, looks like you're walkin'."
Butters,Uh will I eventually get to South Park if I follow this road?
Mechanic,"'Aht road leads to Conifuh. You want to go to South Park, you gotta go down that rod.  'Course, I ain't nevuh seen anyone go up that rod. Six years ago a group of campers went up there and got lost. Had to eat each other to say alive. Used to be the way to O'Riley house. He butchered over fifty children and kept their bodies in a cellah. But, you should find an old bridge about halfway up. That bridge is cursed, you know? They built it with the bones of two hundred Chinese laborers who were massacred in '34. Yeah. Lotta history down that rod."
Butters,"...Well, it's my parents' anniversary tomorrow,  and they're gonna be awful sad if I'm not there with 'em."
Mechanic,"Well, uh good luck then."
Butters,Oh jeez.
Mechanic,...or is South Park down that rod?
John Ramsey,"It's so very hard to lose a loved one, isn't it?"
Chris,"Yes, it, it sure is."
Patsy Ramsey,Thank goodness we have each other to share our grief.
Linda,Thank goodness.
John Ramsey,Here he is.
A Politician,John! Patsy!
John Ramsey,"Hello, Gary. Great to see you. Chris and Linda, this is our good friend, Congressman Gary Condit.  He also lost someone close to him and thinks it something to do with the same Puerto Rican guy that hurt our kids."
Gary Condit,We're goin' tuh get that sonofabitch!
Chris,"Yes, I'd I sure hope we do."
Gary Condit,"I spoke with the FBI and Some Puerto Rican Guy has just made their Number One Most Wanted, heh."
Patsy Ramsey,"Oh, good. Maybe now they'll catch him.  Oh, here's another member of our support group.  O.J."
O.J. Simpson,Hey guys.
Gary Condit,"Chris, Linda, you know O.J. Simpson."
Linda,Oh. Sure.
Patsy Ramsey,"O.J.'s wife was killed by an uh, Some Puerto Rican Guy, too."
O.J. Simpson,"Yup, it was Some Puerto Rican Guy all right."
John Ramsey,"So you see, Chris and Linda, there are people like you all over the country who've been affected by Some Puerto Rican Guy."
Gary Condit,Hey! Let's make Chris and Linda an official part of the group.
John Ramsey,Yeah!
Patsy Ramsey,Yeah!
O.J. Simpson,Alright!
Patsy Ramsey,One of us! One of us!
Gary Condit,Gooble gobble gooble gobble!
O.J. Simpson,One of us!
The Ramseys and Condit,One of us! One of us!
O.J. Simpson,One of us! Gooble gobble!
"The Ramseys, O.J., Condit",Gooble gobble! Gooble gobble! One of us! One of us!
Butters,"For family fun and great food, too, come on down to... Bennigan'sBuffalo wings and fried food, cokes, and Foster Farms at... Bennigan'sUhuh, hello?So come and eat at..."
A voice,Why can't he see us?
Butters,"...Bennigan's.You'll love all our... shenanigans.Oh, nutsack  Oops.&lt;/poem&gt;"
Choir,Everyone knows it's Butters!
Butters,That's me!
Chris,"Naw, Linda! Because you can't now say that the abductor is Costa Rican!  You have to learn to keep it straight!"
Linda,I can't keep it straight when you keep inventing new parts to the story!
Chris,"Hey, don't forget that I'm covering for you!"
Linda,Don't forget: your lies started all this.
Chris,"My lies may have been deceitful, but your lies cover up something much more horrible than anything I ever did!"
Butters,Happy Anniversary!
Chris,"Not now, Butters!"
Butters,"Oh.  Alright, then. I-"
Linda,"Butters?? Oh, Butters!"
Chris,Son! I don't believe it!
Butters,"Ah, I'm sorry. The car just rolled into the lake, and it floated all the way down the river. I tried callin' home, but it was-"
Linda,"Oh, my baby's back!"
Butters,"I ain't grounded, am I?"
Chris,"No-huih, no, Butters. Oh, son, why...  Oh... Uh, we're gonna need you to tell a little white lie about where you've been though, alright?"
Butters,Lie?
Linda,"Oh. Eh yes. Uh darling, you're going to have to say you don't know how you got home."
Chris,No! You have to say that a Puerto Rican man dropped you off!
Linda,"Ohhh, who's gonna believe he just dropped him off?!"
Butters,"Hey, you stop hollerin'! It's your anniversary."
Chris,"Now we don't really have a choice, do we?!"
Linda,"You're the one that made up the stuff about the Puerto Rican, IDIOT!"
Butters,"Uh stop it, Mom and Dad."
Chris,"Well you're the one who couldn't back it up wit a description, stupid!"
Butters,"Now gosh darn it, you!  You listen here! Now I am sick of these harmless lies and l-little white lies. You know, you can call a shovel an ice-cream machine, but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad. Ah, and you can call a lie whatever you want, but it's still a no-good stinkin' lie! And when you start coverin' up one lie with another why, now that's when you get into real trouble!  Boy I've, I've just about had it up to here  with you two!"
Chris,...Butters... You're as right as rain.
Linda,You sure are.
Butters,"Well I ain't in trouble for hollerin' at ya, am I?"
Linda,"No, Butters. You're the best son in the whole world.  And I am so happy you're alive."
Butters,"...Well ah, I'm happy you're alive too, Mom. So now can we go to Bennigan's?"
Chris,"You bet, son. But Mommy and Daddy have something they have to do first."
Chris,"We... have an announcement to make, um. Our son has been returned to us."
Man in Crowd,"Wow, alright"
Stan,Butters was missing?
Chris,"But, that isn't all we have to say. You see, we learned a very important lesson tonight and it took the smarts of our young son to show us."
Butters,Yeah!
Linda,We've learned that deception is wrong and that the only thing to ever make it right again is to come clean.
Butters,Yeah!
Chris,"You see, I've been deceiving my wife for several months. I was going to gay movies and bathhouses and having sex with random men who were complete strangers."
Butters,"Ye-!  wait, what?"
Cartman,Huho!
Linda,"And when I found out I went crazy, I went crazy and I drove my son into the lake to kill 'im."
Butters,"Uh, k-kill me? Uh Jesus Christ!"
Stan,"Damn, dude."
Chris,"So you see, there was no ""Some Puerto Rican Guy."" He doesn't exist. And so the people we owe the biggest apology to are the Ramseys, Congressman Condit, and O.J. We gave you false hope for finding the person who hurt those close to you and, we're sorry. Now we're just happy we won't have to live a life of secrets. For I knew that even though some of you supported us, some others were looking at me and thinking, ""You're a liar! You're a LIAR!""  ""You know somethin' that you're not telling us, you slimy, scumbag liar!""  Eh you know, that's what people would say to me. And then people would see my wife at the supermarket and they would say, ""Hello,"" but they'd be thinking, ""Ah, there goes that MURDERER!""  ""You got away with MURDER you murdering, lying, waste of life!""  And to me, people might say things like,  ""LIAR! Tell us what you know you God-damned liar!""  And so, to both of us, people all over town would be saying things like,  ""You know God-damn well what happened to your kid, so stop acting like victims, and confess, you MURDERING MURDERERS!""  ""CONFESS!""  ""LIAR! CONFESS!""  You know, and, that's what people would be saying to us, and so, we just had to come forward and tell the truth."
Linda,We're sorry we lied to you all. It won't happen again.
Chris,"And now, if you'll excuse us, this family has to get to Bennigan's."
Man 2 in Crowd,Yeah-ah-alright!
Stan,"Wow dude, your dad's a perv and your mom tried to kill you."
Butters,"Yeah. Boy, you fellas are sure gonna rip on me at school now."
Cartman,We sure are.
Butters,"I really wish I didn't know that stuff. I guess I learned that sometimes, lying can be for the best. Yup. Oh well, when I want a chipotle bleu cheese bacon burger at Bennigan's, I forget all about my dad... bein' queer and my mom tryin' to kill me. I'm gonna be okay."
Stan,Really?
Butters,"Naw, I'm lyin'"
Chris,"Let's go, son."
Butters,"Wuh comin', Dad!"
Choir,Everyone knows it's Butters!
Butters,That's me!
Character,Line
Cartman,"Shu- shut up you guys, shut up you guys."
Tuong Lu Kim,"Herro, Shitty Wok, take your order prease."
Cartman,"Hello, is this City Wok?"
Tuong Lu Kim,"Yes, this Shitty Wok."
Cartman,"Uh, yes, we'd like one order of the City Beef."
Tuong Lu Kim,Shitty Beef...
Kyle,"Aha, and I'll have the City Chicken."
Tuong Lu Kim,Shitty Chicken...
Stan,"Oh, dude, look!  It's that commercial with the guy that lost 400 pounds eating at Subway Sandwiches!"
Singer,He's still lookin' good!His name is JaredHis name is Jared and he likes to eat the sandwiches...
Butters,"Uh, hey, fellas."
Stan,Hey Kenny
Butters,"Now gosh darnit, my name's not Kenny! Kenny's dead, and you're all gonna have to learn to deal with it!"
Kyle,"Okay, Not-Kenny."
Announcer,Hey South Park!  You can meet Jared IN PERSON March 6 at the Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square!
Butters,"Woh, boy! Jared's comin' to town!"
Kyle,Dude! That's today!
Stan,"We've gotta get down there! Come on, Not-Kenny!"
Butters,"Now gosh darnit, my name's not Not-Kenny!"
Cartman,"Okay, come on, Not-Not-Kenny."
Butters,Wo-ah I'm getting steamed now.
Tuong Lu Kim,"Hello! City Wok! City Wok, I take your order prease!"
Kyle,Excuse me? Could we get through here?
Herbert Garrison,"Hell no! I've been savin' this spot for six hours! His name is Garrison, Mr. Garrison. He lost ten pounds takin' Jared's lead-"
Randy,Here he comes!
Singer,"He's still lookin' good, with all those... sub sandwiches..."
Jared,"Thank you all so much. You know what? After a year of eating delicious sub sandwiches, I've proven weight loss is easy!  And I promise you, I will always be your faithful leader in easy weight loss!"
Some men,Alright!
Cartman,That guy ate all the sandwiches he wanted and lost weight. He is so cool.
Worker,"Mr. Vogle, some fans wanted to see if you'd sign their sandwich?"
Jared,"Sure, let 'em in.  Hi kids."
Butters,"Wow, Jared!"
Kyle,Dude! Did you really lose all that weight eating nothing but sub sandwiches?
Jared,"I sure did! And- Well- Well I, I also had a little help on the side."
Stan,What kind of help?
Jared,"Well, eating sub sandwiches was a big part of it. But the way that I lost so much weight was that I got aides."
Cartman,A- AIDS?
Jared,That's right. I got aides about two years ago and I've been losing weight ever since. It's amazing how slim you can get with aides.
Stan,I'll bet you can.
Jared,Would you like to meet them?
Kyle,Them?
Jared,My aides. Scott! Tyler!  Scott is my personal trainer  and Tyler is my dietitian.
"Scott, Tyler",Hello.
Kyle,"Oh, ""A I D E S,"" aides."
Jared,Yep. Hooray for aides!
Kyle,"Well, that's not really what you say in the commercial."
Jared,I know. You kinda have to read the fine print at the bottom of the screen. It says I only ate a half-sized lean turkey sandwich with no mustard or mayo or anything like that and then had proper diet and exercise aides.
Kyle,"But you're lying to people. If they knew that you didn't eat just all the sandwiches you want, you might not be so popular."
Jared,"Y- you think so. Well, why... should it matter?"
Kyle,"It matters, dude."
Jared,Hmmm.
Kyle,That penisbutt didn't lose weight eating sub sandwiches. He lost weight because he ate less of them and exercised.
Stan,"Yeah, it's only in America that somebody can become famous just because they go from being a big fatass to not being a big fatass."
Cartman,Oh-my-god!  You guys! I think I'm having a genius moment. Yes. Yes! Its coming to me now.
Kyle,Tha- that's diarrhea.
Cartman,"Noo. Don't you see what this all means? Anybody could do what he did. What's to stop someone else from going to say, City Wok, and cutting a deal with them? Say they'll eat nothing but their Chinese food, but then eat only a little tiny bit of it and exercise."
Stan,Then City Wok could say their food makes them lose weight.
Cartman,"That's right Stan.  It's a cash cow, I tell you."
Kyle,That's a great idea!
Cartman,Lose weight and make money... I tell you this is gonna be the greatest thing that Butters has ever done.
Butters,Me?!
Cartman,"Weh- who do you think I'm talkin' about, Butters? Joyce de Witt?"
Butters,"Oh, no, I thought you meant you. Eh, you're the fat one."
Cartman,"I can't lose weight, Butters, 'cause I'm not fat. I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!"
Kyle,But Butters isn't fat.
Cartman,"That's my whole point. First we fatten him up, then we make the deal with City Wok, then take the weight back off."
Stan,"He's right. If Butters is naturally skinny, he'll be able to take the weight off faster."
Butters,"But fellas, if I get fat my parents will ground me."
Cartman,"Oh, come on! Just think about how famous you'll be!"
Butters,You mean like Jared?
Kyle,Yeah dude! You'll be just like Jared!
Butters,Well the heck with that! You said Jared was a penis-butt!
Stan,"You wouldn't be a penis-butt, Butters, you'd be famous. Just think about all those people following you around, singing songs to you just because you lost some weight... His name is Butters, it's Butters."
Cartman,He used to be fat but not no more
Kyle,City Wok brought him down to a size 4.
Stan,"Now, he's got lots of moneys and girls"
Cartman,and a lifetime of free food at City Wok.
Butters,Wow.
Jared,"Christine, you know I love you very much, and I, I can't wait for the wedding."
Christine,"I love you too, Jared. You've changed my whole life.Her name is Jonez, Christine JonezShe lost forty pounds when she met Jared-"
Jared,"Yeh, I know I know, I know. But uh... some young boys were talkin' to me earlier, and... it made me think that people might not be so proud of my weight loss if they knew something."
Christine,"Jared, what's this all about?"
Jared,"Uh, Christine, this isn't probably gonna matter to you at all, but... I have aides."
Christine,What?!
Jared,"Yeah, I have aides. I've had aides since before we were together.  What, what are you thinking? Are you bummed?"
Christine,Am I bummed?!  You've had AIDS all this time and you knew it?!
Jared,Well of course I knew it.
Christine,Why the hell wouldn't you tell me?!
Jared,I didn't think it was that big of a deal.
Christine,Not that big of a deal?! I slept with you!
Jared,Aren't you overreacting a little bit?
Christine,"Well, Jesus Christ! We're supposed to get married!"
Jared,"We can still get married Christine, I mean, sure, they're my aides now, but after we get married... they'll be our aides  You'll love having aides, Christine, you really will. And when we have children, they'll have aides. It'll make things so simple!  Christine!  Jeez, those boys were right. People really don't like aides. I'd better tell everyone the truth."
Chef,"Hello there, children."
Kyle,"Chef, we need Butters to gain about fifty pounds fast."
Chef,Fifty pounds? Why?
Cartman,"Uuuh, school project."
Chef,"Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as possible, one of you will have to marry him."
Stan,Marry him?
Chef,It definitely worked for every woman I ever met.
Butters,"Oh, no, no, no! I ain't gettin' married; my parents will ground me!"
Kyle,"Yeah, none of us wanna marry Butters."
Butters,"Well, uh, how come? What's wrong with me?"
Chef,"Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this the old-fashioned way. Come on back, children."
Butters,"Ugh.  Wuh, wuh, I can't eat no more."
Kyle,"You have to! Here, have some more mayonnaise."
Stan,"Chef, we need more food."
Chef,"I'm runnin' out, children."
Cartman,Damnit Butters! Keep eating or I'll kick you till you're deader than Kenny!
Stan,"Dude, that isn't cool. You shouldn't joke about Kenny being dead. Enough time hasn't passed."
Cartman,So how long until we can joke about it?
Kyle,Twenty-two point three years. That's how long it takes for something tragic to become funny.
Cartman,"Wugh, that's a long time to wait."
Butters,Wull I can't eat no more. I-I just keep pukin' it up.
Cartman,Then eat your puke.
Butters,No!
Cartman,"Oh, come on! Japanese girls do it."
Subway Representative,"Ladies and gentlemen, we at Subway are happy to inform you that Jared has elected to stay in South Park in order to speak to you once again!"
Man 1,He's going to speak with us once again!
Subway Representative,"So, here he is, Jared!"
Singer,"He's still lookin' good, eatin' them sandwiches all the time..."
Jared,"Thank you-hoo, thank you all. Subway's is a healthy way to eat fast food and lose weight!"
Subway Representative,All right!
Jared,"But,  I feel like I need to come a little clean about something, uh-... it wasn't just Subway sandwiches that made me thin."
Subway Representative,...Huh?
Jared,The reason I was able to lose so much weight so quickly was that I got aides.
Man 2,Huh?
Man 3,What?
Man 4,Did he say AIDS?
Jared,"But I still wanna be the leader in a fitter America, and so I'm here to tell you, that you should ALL go out and get aides!"
Man 2,Oh my God!
A woman,Is he serious?
Jared,"Having aides - is - awesome! With aides you can literally watch the fat melt away! And with the proper mix of aides and Subway sandwiches, anything is possible!"
Subway Representative,"Uh, the opinions expressed by Mr. Vogle are not necessarily those of the Subway Company."
Kyle,Wow! He looks great!
Stan,"How do you feel, Butters?"
Butters,"W-well, k-kinda like Cartman.  Aw!"
Cartman,"Get a hold of yourself, man!"
Stan,"Alright, now it's time for phase 2."
Tuong Lu Kim,Welcome to Shitty Wok. You rike to try Shitty Chicken today?
Cartman,"Sir, we have come to offer you the business deal of a lifetime."
Tuong Lu Kim,You want the Shitty Beef?
Kyle,Nope. We wanna show the world how healthy your food is. Our fat friend here is going to lose forty pounds eating at Shitty Wok.
Tuong Lu Kim,Which one? I see two fat friends.
Cartman,The fat one!
Stan,"We're gonna take before and after photos, and then, when he gets skinny from eating your food, we'll show the world."
Tuong Lu Kim,...Why?
Kyle,Because then you can pay us to use our friend in commercials.
Tuong Lu Kim,Oh! You mean like-a Jared?!
Cartman,Just like Jared.
Tuong Lu Kim,"His name is Jared, he lose some weight. Shitty Wok food sure is great. Yeah, okay. That sound good. Saw if he lose weight eating Shitty Wok, I pay use to use him in commercial."
The Boys,All right!
Cartman,"Sir, we are in business!"
Subway Representative,"Jared, first of all we want to say that all of us here at Subway appreciate everything you've done for our company."
Jared,"Well, I appreciate your company doing everything it's done for me."
Subway Rep 2,"Yes, well, it is now the opinion of all of us that perhaps it would be best for you to take your... strange theories on weight loss elsewhere."
Jared,...'Scuse me... am I being fired?
Subway Rep 3,"Jared, it's just that your new take on weight loss is contrary to our commitment to good health."
Jared,How so?
Subway Representative,"Well, your new slogan, for instance.  ""When it comes to fitness, Subway goes hand in hand with aides."""
Jared,Ah-hah.
Singer,His name is Jared. Jared lost weight eating Subway and... sandwiches of...
Cartman,"Come on, Butters, you gotta get skinny again!  You are such a flabby hunk of crap! Look at those jelly rolls! Jelly rolls I tell ya!! You still got seven chins, boah! You'll never be thin!! Nobody loves you!"
Butters,"Wuh hey now, they do too! Uh, my mom and dad - love me even if I am fat."
Cartman,"Butters, I'm just trying to offer some motivational help here."
Butters,Well alright then.
Cartman,Row you fat bitch! Look at those jelly rolls! Nobody loves you! You're not even a person!
Jared,I never asked to be famous; now everyone hates me! I almost wish I had never gotten aides!
Tyler,"Hey now, come on. What kind of talk is that?"
Jared,"I'm sorry, guys, but I...I think I wanna be aides-free for a while."
Scott,"Come on, Jared, lighten up! People don't hate you."
Tyler,Yeah. Maybe they're all just jealous that they can't afford to hire their own aides.
Jared,Wait a minute... you're right!  Yeah! I think I know how to be a celebrity again!
Stan,Did you bring the camera?
Kyle,"Yeah, we're all set."
Cartman,"Guys, I think this might be a good time to discuss some business."
Kyle,"Well, what do you mean?"
Cartman,"Well, when City Wok sees how skinny Butters is, they're not gonna want him to just make one commercial, they're gonna want several."
Stan,That's true. Jared did like a hundred for Subway Sandwiches.
Cartman,I think we're looking at a non-exclusive two-year fifty-picture deal here. My calculations put that at about four million dollars.
Kyle,Wow!
Cartman,"Now, I think the four million should be split evenly among the three of us, except that I should get a twenty percent per negation fee off the gross for having come up with the idea."
Butters,Hey fellas.
Stan,Butters?! What the hell are you doing?!
Kyle,"Yeah, you're still fat!"
Butters,"Well, I know, ah I can't seem to lose it."
Cartman,"Well we're supposed to shoot your commercial today, you fat piece of crap!"
Butters,Well ah I don't know what to tell ya. Losin' weight is harder than puttin' it on.
Cartman,"No it isn't, stupid blubberbutt!"
Stan,Did you eat only once ounce of City Wok like we told you?!
Butters,"Well uh yeah, but ah, I don't know..."
Kyle,Why are you doing this to us?!
Stan,All prepared for liposuction surgery?
Cartman,Check.
Butters,"Uh, I don't know about this, fellas."
Stan,"Hey, you're the one who screwed us by not losing weight, Butters."
Kyle,"Okay, it says here the operation begins with a one-inch incision in the ab-do-men on the left side just above the hip."
Cartman,That should blah  ah- here.
Butters,Woahhh!
Cartman,Oh stop your bitchin' Butters! Kenny woulda took it like a man!
Kyle,"Okay, now put one end of the tube a half an inch into the incision."
Cartman,Alrighty.
Butters,"Whoa. I think this is a bad idea, fellas. I feel woozy."
Cartman,"Alright, I think it's in."
Kyle,The liposuction is a process of siphoning out the excess fat.
Cartman,"Bohogh, egh."
Butters,Waaaahh!
Cartman,There it goes.
Kyle,"Alright, it's working!"
Cartman,"Aw man, it tastes like that, um, you know that cream-chipped-beef stuff that Chef makes sometimes."
Butters,"Aahh heh ahh, I don't feel very good."
Stan,"Shut up, Butters, it's your own damned fault."
Butters,Everything's getting dark...
Stan,We've gotta hurry this up.
Cartman,"Oh yeah, keep doing that. That's working good."
Stan,He's losing weight.
Cartman,"Oh, whoa. Whoa!"
Kyle,It's out of control!
Butters,"Whoa, everything's getting sparkly."
Stan,"Oh no, dude, Butters' parents are home."
Cartman,"Oh, crap!"
Stan,"Dude, bail!"
Linda,Butters? Butters?!
Butters,Mom. Dad.
Stephen,Butters. Are you having liposuction surgery? Tell me the truth!
Butters,Yes sir.
Linda,This is unbelievable! How many times have we told you not to have self-perform liposuction surgery in our house?!
Butters,"Four times, mom."
Stephen,"Well, I guess that wasn't enough! You get up to your room right now, mister!"
Butters,"Yes, sir."
Stephen,"Oh, huh- Don't you give us that look young man! You're gonna get it!"
Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing out in front of the Mayor's office, where the big liar, Jared, is once again about to speak. Apparently, Jared hopes to regain his celebrity hero status, which was lost when he announced that it was AIDS, not sub sandwiches, that caused him to lose weight. Let's listen in."
Jared,"Ladies and gentlemen, a-at first I didn't understand why you felt betrayed by the fact that my aides helped me to lose weight, but now I understand that it isn't fair that- I had aides and most of you don't. And so, with all the money I've made from commercials, I have decided to start the Aides for Everyone Foundation!"
Jimbo,What?!
Jared,I am going to personally see to it that each and every one of you gets aides!
Mayor McDaniels,This guy's insane.
Jared,"But I won't stop there. I'm gonna seek out all the underprivileged and hungry children of the world, and I'm going to give them aides myself!"
Chef,You're gonna give children AIDS?!
Jared,"Yes, it is my hope that every beautiful child on this earth has aides by next month! Aides for everyone!"
Skeeter,Get him!
Stan,"Come on, Butters. Time to go."
Butters,Uh- go where?
Kyle,To City Wok so we can make our money. God!
Butters,"I can't go anywhere, fellas. I've been grounded for havin' liposuction... surgery."
Stan,What?
Butters,"Wuh well I told you my parents would be sore, and they said for... havin' liposuction surgery, I can't play outside for five days."
Cartman,"Dude, we just need you to come down to City Wok real quick so they can see how skinny you are!"
Butters,"Well you guys have already got me in Dutch for gettin' fat, and then I got in double-Dutch for... havin' liposuction, and now you're askin' me to be in triple Dutch?!  Huh-uh! I'll never be that Dutch!"
Stan,...Kenny would have done it.
Kyle,Yep.
Cartman,"Do you guys remember what a cool friend Kenny was?  God.  He was always up for helpin' us out; man, he was the best friend ever."
Butters,"Look, fellas, I can't do it! My mom and dad call in every hour from work to make sure I am here. If I don't answer the ph-phone, it'll know I'm- I'm up to no good!"
Cartman,"Alright alright, I'll stay here and answer the phone for you."
Butters,No- but you don't sound like me.
Cartman,"Well, you don't sound like me. My name is Butters and I'm a little pussy who won't help his friends make money."
Kyle,"Wow, that was pretty good."
Stan,"Alright, it's settled.Come on, Butters."
Cartman,"Don't forget, a third of that four million dollars is mine!"
Cartman,Eh.  Eh. Yeah.  Well hello?
Stephen,"I'm just checking in on you, Butters.  Heh- Do I hear the television? We told you no television while you're grounded!"
Cartman,"Oh, gee whiz, I'm not.. uh watchin' television, Dad, I'm just... layin' around jackin' it."
Stephen,Jacking it? Jacking what?
Cartman,"Well my hot spicy boner, of course, Dad."
Stephen,WHAT?! Are you trying to get yourself in more trouble with that kind of language?!
Cartman,"Well ah, loosen up, you bloody vaginal belch."
Stephen,OH YOU'RE GONNA GET IT MISTER! Just Wait until I get home!
Cartman,"Bring it on, queer bait.  Aaaahhhh, yes!"
Jared,"...I tell my  girlfriend I have aides and she leaves, I tell the  world to get aides and they think I'm crazy, I offer to give aides to kids and everyone wants me  dead!  What's wrong with  aides?! Why doesn't anyone want me to give them  aides?!"
Herbert Garrison,"There he is, beatin' that dead horse!"
Man in Crowd,Alright!
Jimbo,Let's get him!
Jared,Aahhh!
Tuong Lu Kim,Welcome ta Shitty Wok. Take your order prease.
Kyle,We have great news! Our friend has lost forty pounds eating your City Wok food. Here's the before and after photos.
Tuong Lu Kim,He lose weight eating Shitty Wok?
Stan,That's right! So now you can pay us to use him in your commercials and you'll have your very own Jared!
Tuong Lu Kim,"Oh no, no way! I not putting no Jared in my Shitty Wok commercial!"
Kyle,"Uh, why not?"
Tuong Lu Kim,Don't you know? Everybody hate Jared. He want everyone in world to have AIDS. He sick in the head.
Stan,What?!
Tuong Lu Kim,I don't want Shitty Wok have nothing to do with Jared land his AIDS.
Stan,Wait. Everyone hates Jared now?
Tuong Lu Kim,"Yah they, they gonna kill him. They gonna kill Jared downtown right now."
Stan,"Ugh, come on guys, we gotta sort this out."
Phillip,Here's a man's fart for ya.
Terrance,"God no!  Oh, Phillip, your anthrax has given me colon cancer!"
Cartman,Hello?
Linda,"Butters, your father called and said you made him very upset!"
Cartman,"Yeah, well, Dad's being a little pussy, Mom."
Linda,"Butters, where did you get that kind of smart mouth?!"
Cartman,"Uh not from you dumbasses, that's for sure."
Linda,"OH YOU JUST WAIT until I get home MISTER!Cartman:Oh, I'll be waiting with horse bells on, you old... horse-bangin' skank.  Eh."
Terrance,Ey! There's some anthrax over there!
Phillip,"Oh no, hahahahahahaha."
Jared,Why did I ever do those stupid commercials?
Mayor McDaniels,"Alright, Jared, you sick pervert! Do you have anything to say before you die?!"
Kyle,Wait!  You're all making a mistake!
Chef,"Stand back, children! Jared wants to give you AIDS!"
Stan,"No, you don't understand. Jared doesn't have ""AIDS,"" AIDS, he has assistants. Two guys that help him lose weight that he calls his aides."
People in Crowd,Oh.
Mayor McDaniels,"You mean, Jared's aides are like my aides?"
Jared,Yes. ...Y-you mean you all thought...? Oh my Gosh!
Skeeter,"Oh boy, do I feel stupid."
Gerald,"Oh we're so sorry, Jared"
Jared,"No no, hey it was my fault. I can't believe I- I, I didn't think of what I was saying!"
Chef,"Eh so he was saying, children should have help like he had!"
Randy,Yeah! That has got to be about the biggest misunderstanding ever!
Jared,"Oh my God! I told my girlfriend I wanted her to share my aides - oh, no wonder she left!"
Herbert Garrison,"Cuh-can you imagine what we thought when you said, ""Aides for Everyone Foundation?"""
Jared,"Oh, brother!"
Skeeter,Aha-  ...Hey. We're all laughing.
Mr. Mackey,"Uh hey, yeah. We, we woulda never laughed about this before."
Randy,"Well don't you see what this means? It's been 22.3 years, so... AIDS is finally funny!"
People in Crowd,Ooo.
Mayor McDaniels,He's right. It happened!
Jimbo,Hey everybody! AIDS is finally funny!
People in Crowd,Alright! Yay! Woohoo!  Hooray!
Mr. Mackey,I knew it would be funny someday!  AIDS!
Herbert Garrison,Then it's time... We can undo the banner!
New Yorker,Hooray!
Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing in the town square where just moments ago it was declared that AIDS... can finally be joked about. What a great day for humanity"
Herbert Garrison,"""AIDS quilt"""
Tuong Lu Kim,"Oh boy, this is fantastic! I so grad AIDS is funny now."
Stan,"Okay, so now, do you wanna use our friend in your commercials?"
Tuong Lu Kim,Sure 'kay. I pay you fifteen dowlars.
Stan,Fifteen dowlar? But... Jared got millions!
Tuong Lu Kim,"Hey, I'm not a-Subway, I Shitty Wok. Shitty Wok don't have... million dollars."
Stan,Oh God-damnit!
Kyle,"Aw, just forget the whole thing then!"
Tuong Lu Kim,"Okay.  Hey, you kids know why chicken cross the road?"
Stan,Why?
Tuong Lu Kim,'Cause it has AIDS.  AIDS so funny!
Stan,"Well, so much for our money."
Kyle,"Yeah, but you know, I've learned something today. It would have been wrong to exploit Butters' weight loss. Because then lots of fat people would have believed it. And then gone and eaten a ton of Chinese food instead of dieting properly. They'd still be fat and, we'd be responsible for their shattered dreams."
Butters,"Yeah, I don't like shattering fat peoples' dreams. Besides, I'd get grounded.  Oh, Jesus! I'm supposed to be grounded!"
Butters,"Huh. Huh, uh, uh."
Cartman,"There you are, Butters!"
Butters,Wuh-are my... mom and dad back home yet?
Cartman,"No, but they're due home any minute. Come on, you're just in time!"
Butters,"Hoh boy! Mom and Dad didn't... find out I... left the house, did they?"
Cartman,"No, I totally covered for you. They completely believed I was you on the phone!"
Butters,Hu-oh! Goody!
Cartman,"Here you go.  I drew some pictures with crayons so it looks like you were here all day. And I ate a little food so it looks like you ate, and I fed your cat."
Butters,Uh- perfect.
Cartman,Alright I'd better get out of here before they get back.
Butters,"Uh hey, uh Eric?  Uh- thanks for coverin' for me. You're a real pal."
Cartman,"Butters, it was my pleasure."
Butters,"Hi, Mom and Dad!"
Stephen,"DON'T YOU HI MOM AND DAD US YOU LITTLE PUNK!!! ""(Punch)"""
Butters,Ow! Dad?
Linda,"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE TROUBLE YOU'RE IN MISTER! ""(Punch)"""
Butters,Ah! What did I do?! What did I do?!
Stephen,YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH NOW?! ANSWER ME!!!
Butters,Aaaa!!
Cartman,"Aw, man, if I was older, I would totally start jacking off right now."
Sharon,"Thanks for having us all over for dinner, Chris and Linda."
Sheila,"Yes, it was fabulous!"
Linda,"Oh, we're just really happy that your boys have become such good friends with our little Butters!"
Stephen,"Yeah. We figure that if our boys are goona be great friends, we should all get to be friends, too."
Linda,"Friends, by default."
Randy,"Well, our boys do seem to be spending a lot of time together lately. I think ever since their friend Kenny died they've been looking for someone to fill the void."
Stephen,"Well, our son is a perfect void-filler. It's nice that he finally has your sons to be his best buddies!"
Cartman,"Look you guys, Butters is asleep."
Stan,He's such a douchebag
Cartman,"Hey! Have you guys ever seen this trick?  When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water,  and you put their hand in it..."
Stan,"Yeah, and then what?"
Cartman,"And then, you pee on it!  heheh-heheheheheheheh."
Kyle,"No, dude, you're supposed to put their hand in warm water and it makes them pee."
Cartman,"Oh, really? ...Oh well, heh, heheheheh, heh"
Chris,"And we were thinking, since they've all become such close friends, how great it would be for us to all go together to Aspen for a ski weekend."
Gerald,"A-Aspen? Uuuh, we, we can't really afford that."
Chris,"No, you see, Linda and I found this ad where you can get two night free at a condo in Aspen if you attend a time-share presentation.."
Randy,They let you stay for free?
Chris,Yes! And all we have to do is attend a thirty-minute meeting!
Sheila,Well that sounds like a good deal.
Randy,Sounds good to me; let's go this weekend!
Sheila,"Oh, boy! Skiing in Aspen! I can't wait!"
Stephen,Hey boys! We're all going to Aspen for the weekend!
"Stan, Kyle, Cartman",All right!
Butters,"Wow, a ski trip with my new best buddies!  Oh, I'm all sticky."
Stephen,"Here we are, everyone."
Sheila,"Oh, this is gonna be so much fun; I haven't skied in years!"
Chris,Where are Butters and Eric?
Stan,They're still asleep.
Chris,Butters? Eric? Come on! We gotta get to the powder!
Phil,"Hello, folks, I'm Phil and this is Josh . We're with the Aspen Time-Share Company."
The Parents,Hello.
Josh,You folks enjoying the condo?
Sheila,It's lovely. Thank you.
Cartman,"You guys, you guys! You're not gonna believe this, this is so funny!"
Kyle,What
Cartman,"So last night, while Butters was asleep, I gave him a Hitler."
Stan,What's a Hitler?
Cartman,"You know, when somebody is sleeping and you put your finger up your butt and then, wipe it on their upper lip to give them a little Hitler mustache? You've never Hitlered anyone?"
Stan,"No, I never have."
Cartman,"Shh-shh, here he comes."
Butters,"Goooood mornin', fellas! All set to go skiin'?!  A-huh, u-uh, uh what's so funny?"
Cartman,"Nothing, Butters. Right, guys?!"
Phil,"Well, we can't wait to show you what Aspen Time-Share is offering investors. Shall we do our thirty-minute meeting?"
Randy,"Oh, do we have to do it right now?"
Josh,"Well, best to do it and get it out of the way."
Chris,Okay.
Sheila,"Boys, we have to go to this time-share presentation real quick, but you go meet your ski instructor on the bunny hill."
The Boys,Okay.
Chris,We'll meet you boys on the slopes.
Butters,"Hey, do you guys smell that?"
Stan,Smell what?
Butters,"Ehh, it kind of smells stinky in this condo."
Cartman,I don't smell anything. Do you guys?
Butters,"Do you guys smell that? It smells bad out here, too. I'm starting to think this whole town smells like doodoo."
Cartman,"Yeah, well, that why they call is Asspen."
Thumper,"All right, little dudes,  great to see you out here. My name is Thumper, and I'm gonna be your cool ski instructor."
Cartman,His name is Thumper?
Thumper,"We're gonna take it slow, take it easy, make sure everybody has a goood time. 'Cause what is skiing about? Having a good...?  Time, that's right. Now, just a few safety things to keep in mind: First of all, look straight ahead when you ski. You look down, you're gonna fall, you're gonna have a bad time. Also, be aware of skiers around you. You run into another skier, your skis are gonna cross, gonna have a bad time."
Butters,So where's the part where we have a good time?
Thumper,"Hey, little dude, you got some crap right here."
Butters,"Wuh, that's my face, sir."
Thumper,"Alright, we're gonna do this without any poles until we know our two primary feet positions. To go slow, we wedge our skis together , in the shape of a slice of pizza. Then to go faster, we put 'em parallel, like... French fries.  You see that?  Pizza,  French fries,  Pizza,  French fries."
Butters,"Ah-hey, this is gonna be just like eatin' at Shakey's, huh fellas?"
Thumper,"Okay, let's have the little dude at the end try first! What's your name?"
Ike,Iiiiike!
Thumper,"Okay, Mike, ski down to me!"
Kyle,"Go on, Ike."
Ike,"Pee-za, Fron fries. Pee-za, Fron fries. Fron friiiies.  Peeee-zaaa"
Thumper,"Okay, you see what he did?! He French-fried when he should've pizza'd. You French-fry when you pizza, you're gonna have a bad time!"
Phil,"And so, we think we can convince you to buy one of our combos that's opening right here in Phase 4."
Josh,That sounds like a GREAT investment opportunity!
Gerald,"I-I'm sorry, but none of us can really afford to own our own vacation condo."
Randy,"Yeah, and to be honest, we're just doing this meeting because of the two nights free deal."
Phil,"Oh, I know, that's what everybody says - ""Not me, I can't afford it."" But what if I told you you could own one of our properties for only eight thousand dollars!"
Josh,Wow!
Sheila,For only eight thousand dollars we can buy a condo here?
Phil,"Well you see, ""time-share"" means you buy the condo with about twenty other people like yourselves  You  ""share"" the condo with other investors and pick the  ""time"" you want to stay."
Josh,"Share,  time.  Time share."
Randy,So then it's not really ours.
Phil,"Sure it is, one twenty-fourth and a half yours! You see, time-share has made it possible for even working-class people like you to say, ""I've got a little place in Aspen."""
Josh,"Try it. Try saying it. ""I've got a little place in Aspen."""
The Parents,I've got a little place in Aspen.
Phil,"Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? Say guys, how'd you like to tell that hot secretary ""I've got a nice little place in Aspen?"" Hahaha! Just kidding, wives."
Randy,"Listen uh, it's been thirty minutes. We'd like to go hit the slopes now?"
Phil,"Woll uh, you still gotta come to the time-share luncheon. We did give you a free condo for the weekend."
Gerald,Well your ad said we only had to attend a thirty-minute meeting.
Phil,"Right, but this isn't that meeting. The luncheon is that meeting.  Don't worry, you're gonna have a great free meal at  the luncheon."
Kyle,"...French fries... pizza... french fries...  come on, Cartman."
Cartman,"Ugh, no more.,"
Tad,"Looks like you think you're a pretty good skier, huh, kid?"
Stan,"Well I'm... catchin' on pretty fast, I guess."
Tad,I've been skiing for twenty-two years. Think you could beat me?
Stan,Uhh... no.
Tad,"What's your name, hot shot?"
Stan,Stan. Marsh.
Tad,Stan Marsh  Stan DARSH is more like it.
Skier,"Haaaa, Darsh!"
Tad,"Alright, how about a race, then? You and me."
Stan,"Dude, I'm just learning."
Tad,"OooooOOOOooo!  Looks to me like you're not a ""hot shot"" after all."
Stan,I never said I was.
Tad,Oooooooo!
Tad's friends,Oooooooo!
Tad,"You may think you've got what it takes, but as long as I'm around, you'll always be number two!  See ya later, Darsh!"
Phil,"And THAT is why owning a piece of an Aspen condo is not only possible,..."
Josh,It's downright smart!
Gerald,Aha.
Phil,"Op, here it is! As promised, a fabulous free lunch!"
Gerald,"Wow, filet mignon' and lobster!"
Sharon,Not bad.
Josh,"It's nice to feel rich, isn't it."
Sheila,"Oh, you know, this is really great."
Chris,It sure it.
"Randy, Gerald",What?
Randy,Wait...
Phil,You see? That's the great thing about time-share. You get a little taste of luxuries you can't afford.
Josh,And then share it with the people who come tomorrow.
Randy,"All right, look, we've been here for over three hours"
Gerald,"Yeah. Can we go now, please?"
Phil,Of course you can. Go hit those slopes!  If you could just please show me the backs of your table place cards real quick?  Oh my God! You got the red sticker!
Josh,They got the red sticker?!
Phil,They got the red sticker!
Stephen,What's the red sticker?
Josh,"Uh, well, well, that means if you come up to the condo sales office you'll receive one of three great prizes."
Randy,"No, no-no-no-no. We, we did your meeting and we did your lunch, we're finished, okay."
Phil,"Okay, okay, fine, I mean...  It would only take a second, but, I mean, you know, what did we do for you except, give you a free condo for the weekend. Huh. Seems like you could just... could just come up... and see what prize you had..."
Stephen,O-all right!
Stan,...pizza... french fries... french fries... pizza...
Kyle,...french fries...pizza...pizza...pizza-french fries... I wonder where our parents are.
Stan,Who cares? I'm having more fun on my own.
Tad,"well well well, if it isn't Stan Darsh!"
Stan,Oh no.
Tad,"Say Darsh, you don't mind if I take Heather out for some fondue tonight, do ya?"
Stan,Heather?
Heather,"Sorry, Stan, it's just that when it comes to skiing, Tad has all the right moves."
Tad,"I just might show her my moves tonight, if you know what I mean."
Heather,"You aren't mad, are you, Stan? I mean, a girl's gotta look out for her best interests."
Stan,...who are you people?!
Tad,"Still don't wanna race me? I told you he was chicken, Heather. Stan Marsh the Darsh!"
Stan,"All right dude, if I race you will you leave me alone?"
Tad and friends,Oooooooo!
Tad,"Alright, fine. You and me at the summit, now!"
Stan,Okay.
Tad's friends,Race! Race!
Announcer,"Ladies and Gentlemen, Aspen Mountain presents another ex-TREME racing showdown.  Seven-time World Aspen champion Tad Mikowski versus eight-year-old Stan Marsh!"
Tad,"Hah! You're going down, little boy!"
Stan,"Yeah, prob'ly"
Butters,Do you think Stan has a chance?  Uh go Stan!
Stan,Fries... fries...
A skier,He's got it! Tad's gonna win it!
Tad,"Yeah! Yeeah! Yeah! You lose, Darsh!  Yeah!"
Butters,"U-u-uh, Stan, yo-you gave it your best shot, and that all Jesus asks of you."
Stan,"Dude, I'm just happy this whole stupid thing is all over with."
Tad,"No hard feelings, right Darsh?!  Yeah!"
Teen Girl,"Stan,  for what it's worth, I think you were really brave."
Stan,Thanks. Who are you?
Teen Girl,"Hey, all the cool teens are gonna be at the youth center tonight for a dance. I hope you'll come because you're just so... we-hell, you're just so.. well, that's all."
Gerald,"Finally, we get to go skiing!"
Randy,"Oh my God, look how long the lift lines are."
Gerald,"Yeah, I guess these passes the time-share salesman gave us will come in handy."
Lift Operator,Can I help you?
Stephen,"Yes, we have the special passes to use the exclusive lift from the time-share company?"
Lift Operator,"Ooooh, go right on ahead, folks."
Sheila,Thank you.
Randy,"Well, this certainly is nice."
Gerald,"Yeah, we may not have gotten to ski earlier, but with this lift we'll get more runs in than anybody."
Stephen,"Have fun waiting in line, suckers! Woohoohoo!"
Linda,"Oh, Chris."
Chris,"Hey look, this trailer goes right into a building."
Phil,"Welcome back, folks!"
Josh,We've got a special offer we can't wait to tell you about!
Randy,"Oh, God-damnit!"
Kyle,"Dude, it's been twelve hours. Where the hell are our parents?!"
Teen Girl,I'm glad you guys came. Do you like our youth center?
Stan,I' seems fine.
Voguing Skier,"Yeah, too bad we're getting shut down. That hot-shot skier Tad's father is gonna bulldoze the building"
Voguing Skier 2,Where are all us kids supposed to go?
Stan,Don't care.
Kyle,What do you wanna do now?
Stan,I dunno.
Butters,Let's dance.
Cartman,"Butters, I hate you with every inch of my body."
Announcer,"Alright, Aspen-heh. As a special treat tonight we're proud to have the winner of today's race, Tad Mikowski."
Tad,Yeah!
Stan,"Oh,. God."
Tad,"Hey everyone.  I'd like to sing a little song, if I may."
The Ladies,Ooooooooo.
Stan,"Gah, let's go you guys."
Tad,"This is a song I wrote about... Stan Marsh. Staaaaan... Daaaaarsh...Stan. Darsh. Darshy DaaarshStan DaaarshStan Darsh, Stan-darshStan Daaaaarsh DaaarshStan Darsh..."
Stan,"Dude, what the hell is your problem?!"
Tad and friends,OooOOOOOOoooooo!
Stan,"I raced you, You won!"
Tad,"A rematch? Oh, Darsh. You're even dumber than I thought."
Teen Boy,"He'll ski you anytime, anywhere"
Teens,Yeah!
Teen Girl,"But this time, if he wins, you get your dad to not close our youth center"
Stan,What?
Tad,"Alright then, let's make it interesting. Tomorrow afternoon. On the K-13."
A Teen Boy,The K-13? But that's the most dangerous run in all of America.
Tad,"Hell, I'm not chicken! Are you, Darsh?!"
Stan,"I'll be there, you queen!"
Tad,"Oh, yeah?!"
Stan,Yeah!
Tad,"Oh, Darsh, you're even dumber than I thought... Again! See ya tomorrow."
Butters,"Uh you're not really gonna go down that K-13 run, are ya, Stan?"
Stan,"Dude, I have to!"
Kyle,"Stan, you can't let that Tad guy get to you. Screw him, dude."
Stan,"Dude, he's got Heather!"
Kyle,You don't even know Heather!
Stan,"I know I know I-, ugh. Look I can't explain it but I have to do this. I'm not gonna die. I mean, how bad can the K-13 be?"
Mechanic,"The K-13? You don't wanna go down that run. That run has got a history. Thirty-five people have died goin' down it, and some say you can still see their ghosts up there. It was on that very ski run that a group of students were killed by a wolf-boy who escaped from a mental institution. You see, that ski run was once a burial ground to a tribe of vampire Wichicaw who ate the flesh of children with no eyes. Yah-, a lot of history on that ski run."
Stan,...Thank you.
Mechanic,Yah.
Kyle,"Look, Stan. When Kenny died I learned how important friends are. I'm not gonna lose another friend."
Stan,"This isn't about you, Kyle, I have to do this, okay? I have to!"
Phil,...And so you see it's the investment opportunity that keeps on giving.
Gerald,How many times do we have to tell you this? We don't want to buy shares in a condo!
Josh,And we certainly don't want to pressure you.
Gerald,Pressure us?! You kept us all day yesterday and then had a chair lift bring us back!
Phil,"Heh-ey, you can leave anytime you want. Of course, that is, if you don't want the super-secret fun prize for attending the slide show."
Randy,"No, we don't want the super-secret fun prize alright?! We just wanna ski! Come on, everybody!"
Josh,I know! Have you ever considered going in on a time share?
Phil,"That's only a couple thousand each, Josh!"
Randy,"Don't listen to 'em, let's just go!"
Gerald,"My God, can you believe those people?!"
Stephen,"I hope you don't blame me for all that. I mean, the ad ...did... just say a thirty-minute presentation."
Randy,Let's just get out of here.
Phil,"Folks, I'm glad you're back, because we forgot to mention, time-share condos are still deeded properties!"
Parents,Aaagh!!
Phil,"Oooo, you folks really lucked out this time. You're visitor number one thousand!"
Josh,That means you can listen to our special offer for privileged members only!
Stan,That does it! I'm calling the police!
Stan,"Mr. Ski Instructor, I need a lot of training, fast. I'm gonna race down the K-13."
Thumper,"K-13?! But you're just a beginner! You ski outta your league, you're gonna have a bad time."
Stan,"I have to do this, okay? I have to!"
Thumper,"Alright, well, if you gotta get good at somethin' really fast, there's only one way to do it. Come on!"
Singer (and backup singers),"The day is approaching to give it your bestYou've got to reach your prime!That's when you need to put yourself to the testAnd show us the passage of timeWe're gonna need a montage (Montage)A sports-training montage (Montage)And just show a lot of things happenin' at once.Remind everyone of what's goin' on. (What's goin' on?)And with every shot, show a little improvementTo show it won't take too longThat's called a montage (Montage)Even Rocky had a montage (Montage)In any sport, if you want to goFrom just a beginner to a proYou'll need a montage (Montage)a simple little montage (Montage)Always fade out (Montage) into a montage (Montage)If you fade out it seems like a long time (Montage) has passed in a montage (Montage)Montage (Montage)"
Randy,"All the ad said was that we had to attend a thirty-minute meeting, right, and- and it's been a day and a half! These guys won't let us leave!"
Phl,"That's not true, officers, we said they could leave at any time."
Thin Cop,"All right, let me see if I got this straight. You two gentlemen are offering part-time limited liability  ownership in one of your fabulous condos for the one-time price of eight thousand dollars?!"
Phil,That's right!
Fat Cop,Sounds to me like if anybody should be arrested it should be you people for passin' up such a great deal!
Thin Cop,"That's right, you're practically stealing condos at that price. ""Book 'em, Danno!"""
Randy,"Oh, Jesus."
Linda,No! No!
Gerald,"The police work for time-share, too?"
Phil,"The police, the mayor, the president of the United States. Perhaps now you see the severity of your situation. I think we shall all sit down...  and listen to the presentation."
Josh,Sit!
Phil,"Now, you're probably asking yourselves... ""Can my time-share condo turn into a profit?"""
Josh,"""What kind of cash flow can I realize from my investment?"""
Phil,The answer might astonish you. For over ten years investors have seen their-
Announcer,The powder is fresh and the stage is set for Tad versus Stan on the K-13!
Tad,"This time you're not just gonna lose, you're gonna die!"
Kyle,I can't lose another friend. First Kenny and now Stan? All I'm gonna have left are you two douches.
Announcer,Ready. Set. Go!
Stan,Pizza... pizza... pizza...
Man In Yellow Jacket,Tad's got the lead.
Butters,"Come on, Stan!"
Tad,Haha.  This should slow down Darsh a bit!
Announcer,And it looks like Tad is way out in front.
Tad,"Now, I'll win for sure!"
Kyle,"Awgh, dude, I can't look."
Tad,"Let's see what some sand does to your speed, Darsh! He doesn't stand a chance, now! I'm gonna beat 'em!"
Announcer,The race is half over and Tad is still out in the lead!
Tad,"Heh, when Darsh skis by here, I'll let all these hamsters go. That should distract him just long enough for me to win the race!"
Teen girl,"Oh, Tad."
Tad,...What are you doing up here?
Teen girl,Oh nothing. I just thought I could distract you. With these.
Kyle,"Good job, dude!"
Stan,Thanks.
Announcer,"You did it, Stan!"
Teen girl,"Thanks a lot, Stan. Now we're gonna be able to keep the youth center."
Mechanic,"Well, that does it. Looks like the spirits of the Wakichaw Indians can finally rest in peace."
Heather,"Stan, I was wrong about you. Would you like to go out again?"
Teen girl,"Go ahead, Stan. She's everything you ever wanted."
Sheila,"There you are, boys!"
Kyle,"Mom, Dad!"
Stan,Where the hell have you guys been?!
Stephen,"Uh, we got a little held up at the time-share sales office."
Randy,"Yeah, but the good news is we finally came to our senses and bought some shares in a condo. So we all get to come to Aspen for two weeks every year!"
The Boys,Awwwwww!
Stephen,What's the matter? Didn't you boys like skiing?
Stan,No! We can't keep track of when you pizza and when you French-fries and when the hot-shot asshole skier takes your girl or if you're supposed to race him the first time or train first to beat him on the really difficult mountain so you can save the dorky but hot girl's youth center. Skiing sucks!
Kyle,"Yeah, what a stupid sport!"
Thumper,I heard that you were the one responsible for making Tad lose the race. Thanks.
Teen Girl,Yeah. Well he really flipped when he saw these.
Left Creature,Quaid...
Right Creature,Start the reactor...
Announcer,"Today on the Maury Povich show, these poor unfortunate people  all have horrible disfigurements,  and you won't believe how we exploit them for your amusement!"
Stan,"Hm, that sounds pretty good."
Stan,Hey Kenny!
Cartman,"That's awesome, Kenny."
Butters,"Eh now gosh darnit, fellas, my name's not Kenny! Kenny's dead."
Kyle,"Okay, Not-Kenny."
Butters,"And I'm not gonna wear this coat anymore, neither!  I should be able to be you guys' friend without wearin' Kenny's old coat!"
Stan,"Shhh! Be quiet, Not-Kenny! The Maury Povish freak show is on."
Butters,"Oh, all right, then."
Maury,Our next guest is a little girl who was born without a midsection. Please welcome Damla Jones
Damla,"Hello, Maury."
Cartman,"Aww, sick dude!"
Maury,"You're a very brave little girl, and I'm very proud of you."
Damla,Thank you
Maury,Can you tell the audience how miseable your life is?
Damla,"Uh-uh, yes. It is."
Maury,You're a cutey. Do the other kids at school sometimes make fun of you?
Damla,Sometimes.
Maury,Do people sometimes stare at you?
Damla,Sometimes
Maury,"Do they go, ""Oh, gross. What the hell is that thing""?"
Damla,Mmm-I don't know.
Maury,Well your mommy told us you like to listen to music.
Damla,Yes.
Maury,"Well guess what, Damla. We're gonna give you a three hundred dollar gift certificate to CD World in Torrance!  All right, everyone. Stay tuned, because next we're gonna meet a woman who head was smashed in on a locker! And we're gonna giver her a makeover!"
Kyle,"This is terrible, dude! Maury Povich parades these poor people around on his show like carnival freaks! And then gives them prizes at the end after they joked about it. What a dick!"
Announcer,"Do you or someone you know have a disfigurement or disability that we can exploit on the Maury Povish show? If so, call 1-555-HEY MAURY!"
Stan,Dude! One of us should make up some disease and get on the Maury Povich show so we can win a prize!
Kyle,Cool!
Cartman,Oh YES!!
Butters,"Oh, that'd be awesome!"
Kyle,Do you think they'll believe it?
Stan,What disease should we say?
Cartman,"Shhh. Be quite, you guys!  Hello, is this Maury Povish?  Oh, well who the hell are you?  Oh. Well I'm calling about your ad for freaks?  Ye-right, people with disabilities?  Yeah, I have a friend; he has a deformity; I think he'd be perfect for your show.  Great!  Hih-his condition?  Uh, he has a condition called ""chinballalitis.""  Yeah, his balls actually hang from his chin.  Shut uh- shut up you guys.  Yes.  Yes, of course he's very upset about it.  Yes, he cries all the time.  Miserable, uh huh.  You wha- Really?"
Stan,What?
Cartman,"Dude, they say they'll fly him out day after tomorrow!"
Kyle,Awesome!
Butters,Cool!
Cartman,"Uh yes, I'm sure I can convince him to come on the show.  There will of course be a prize involved?  Great. I'll call you back in an hour.  No, thank you.  YES!"
Stan,This is gonna be so funny!
Butters,"Uh, it sure is!"
Kyle,But how are we gonna get the balls put on Butters' chin?
Butters,"Hah yeah, how are we go-? Wait... Butters' chin?"
Kyle,Yeah.
Butters,"Uh, but that's me. I'm Butters."
Stan,"We know. You're the one doing it, Butters. Who'd you think we were talkin' about?"
Butters,"We-ell hold on a second, you guys."
Cartman,"Hey, I know how we get the balls on Butter's chin. Those Star Trek dorks down the street! They're always making crasy masks and special effects for their dumb movies."
Butters,Hang on now.
Kyle,"Yeah. I bet they could make a fake set of balls. Come on, Butters!"
Butters,Wait! W-why does it have to be me??
Stan,"It has to be you, Butters. Think about it."
Cartman,Yeah.
Butters,"But fellas, if I go on Maury Povish, with- with my balls on my chin, my parents are gonna get really mad."
Kyle,We'll just tell your parents we're going on a camping trip with my parents. They'll never know.
Butters,"I'm sorry, but the answer is un uh, uh uh, uh uh."
Stan,Kenny woulda done it.
Butters,...So? I told you guys before:  I'm not Kenny.
Kyle,"We know. Believe me, we know. We're reminded every day that you're not Kenny because Kenny... was cool."
Cartman,"Yeah. God, I wish Kenny was still alive. He'd put balls on his chin. He was such an awesome friend."
Stan,"Well, come on guys. If Butters won't even put his balls on his chin for us, I guess we know where we stand."
Cartman,Yeah.
Butters,"Aw, gee whiz, yih, yo, you promise my mom and dad won't find out?"
Brunet Trekker,"Now, we're going to apply the latex with some spirit gum."
Butters,Hey that spirit gum sure is stinky.
Stan,Where's you get the balls from?
Brunet Trekker,"We made a plastic mold of his chin, and then made a latex scrotum and put two golf balls inside."
Cartman,Nice.
Blond Trekker,"Now we just blend the skin tones, add a little hair,  and presto!"
Stan,Wow!
Kyle,That looks awesome!
Butters,"Aw, I feel silly."
Cartman,"They look great on you, Butters. They really do."
Blond Trekker,I believe you owe us payment now?
Stan,"All right, the original AVID cut of Star Wars: Episode I"
Brunet Trekker,Wooww!
Blond Trekker,They weren't lying!
Kyle,Why the hell would they want that anyway?  Episode I sucked balls.
Cartman,"Yeah, it sucked Hairy Butters' chin balls."
Blond Trekker,"Here, damnit!"
Brunet Trekker,"Hey, hey! Stop it, man!"
Announcer,Gay Air Flight 243 with service to New York now ready for general boarding.
Stan,"That's your flight, Butters."
Cartman,"Okay, here's your ticket  and they're gonna have a car waiting for you at the gate in New York."
Butters,Uh wait.  You guys aren't comin' with me?
Stan,"Hell no, dude. Then we couldn't watch you on TV."
Butters,"Ho-old on a minute, guys, I've changed my mind. I don't wanna go."
Cartman,"God, isn't Butters awesome for doing this, you guys?"
Kyle,"Yeah, he sure is."
Stan,Doing all this to bring us back a prize. What a great friend!
Cartman,Buh-ters! Buh-ters!
Butters,"Uhhh all right, then. See you guys tomorrow."
Stagehand,"Thanks for coming on the show, kid. Maury is very excited to meet you. And this is the Green Room where you can hang out with the other guests until we call for you on set. Boy with Balls on Chin, meet Man with Foot on Head, Girl with Rapid Aging Disease, Disfigured Country Singer, and Man With No Face."
Butters,Wow! Scooped-out face guy! Ah-ah-I've seen you on TV before.
Man With No Face,"Yes, this is my sixth appearance."
Stagehand,"I'll come back in a bit, folks."
Man with Foot on Head,Hey Roger!  What the hell is with these horrible veggie platters?!
Disfigured Country Singer,"Yeah, we told you last time we want fresher vegetables."
Roger,"I'm sorry, this is what the studio provides. Just take a seat on the couch, kid. I'll be back in a minute."
Disfigured Country Singer,...Boy with balls on his chin. Haven't seen you around. How long have you been on the circuit?
Butters,What circuit?
Man with Foot on Head,The talk-show circuit. Don't tell us this is your first one.
Butters,"Uh well, yeah. You've all done it more than once?"
Man With No Face,"Oprah two times, Jenny Jones once, Sally Jessie five times."
Disfigured Country Singer,You've only done Jenny once?
Man with Foot on Head,"Oh, ah I hate doing the Jenny Jones show. They don't even have their own hair people."
Man With No Limbs,I'm doing Jenny tomorrow.
Disfigured Country Singer,"Yeah, you picked a good show to do first, kid, but you need to learn the ropes. There are a lot of people like you all over the country, and we all do talk shows for a living."
Man with Foot on Head,We all know each other and we kinda stick together to make sure our industry is protected
Man With No Face,Yeah. Like when someone LIES about being a freak.
Butters,"Oh they, they do, huh?"
Disfigured Country Singer,"Yeah, they'll make up a fake condition to go on these shows and then take our money away!"
Man With No Limbs,We don't take kindly to that.
Butters,Well I can certainly see why.
Man With No Limbs,It's okay. Folks don't do it anymore. Not after what they saw what we did to Lobster Boy.
Butters,Lobster Boy?
Man with Foot on Head,"Yeah, loh-, Lobster Boy used to make appearances on all the talk shows. He was one of the most popular disfigured peoiple on TV."
Disfigured Country Singer,But then we all found out that Lobster Boy wasn't a real freak at all. He was just an actual lobster.
Man With No Limbs,Lying sack of crap.
Man with Foot on Head,So you know what we did to him?
Butters,What?
Man with Foot on Head,"One night all us freaks got together, and we... boiled him alive."
Disfigured Country Singer,Now Lobster Boy is no more.
Butters,"Oh. Yeah. I I hate when people fake conditions, too. Those stupid fakers."
Man with Foot on Head,We're glad you agree.
Stagehand,"Okay, Boy with balls on his chin, you're up next."
Butters,"Oh, Jesus, see me through this."
Announcer,Next on the Maury Povich show: we bring back some of our favorite disfigured people  and introduce you to some new ones
Stan,Here he comes.
Kyle,This is gonna be awesome!
Maury,Our next guest suffers from a rare birth defect which caused his testicles and scrotum to grow from his chin.
Cartman,Testicles and scrotum!
Maury,Please welcome eight-and-a-half-year old Napoleon Bonaparte from South Park Colorado.  Thanks so much for coming on our show.
Butters,"Huh, that's okay, I, I s'pose."
Maury,"So, is it tough being ...different?"
Butters,"Uhhh, yeah."
Maury,And do all the kids at school make fun of you?
Butters,"They sure do. They always say to me, ""Butters, you're not Kenny."" But I never said I was Kenny. They say Kenny would do this and Kenny would do that-"
Cartman,"Uh oh, we're losin' him."
Butters,"I'm tired of it. You hear me, fellas?! Kenny's dead and you'll just have tuh deal with it."
Maury,"Uh, yeah, but I mean, do the kids make fun of you because of your condition?"
Butters,Uh what condition?
Maury,You have balls that hang off your chin.
Butters,"I do?? Uh. Oh. I, I mean, yeah-ah I do. Uh. Yeah, the kids at school make fun of me for that."
"Stan, Kyle",Phew.
Cartman,"Oh, that was close."
Maury,What names do they call you at school?
Butters,"Aaahhh well, aaahmm, ...I guess they call me uh, Chinball Boy, and uh, Ballchin Boy, nnnd when I, when I'm walkin' they'll say, ""Hey, there goes Chinballs!"""
Maury,"And do they call you ""freak"" and ""weirdo""?"
Butters,"Well yeah, I s'psoe"
Maury,Do they point at you and laugh? Do they make you wish you'd never been born? Make you wish to put an end to the whole... miserable wretched earth?
Butters,"Uh, sure."
Maury,"Well Napoleon, we have a surprise for you."
"Stan, Kyle","Wait, here it is, here it is!"
Cartman,The present.
Maury,"Because you're such a brave little chinballed man, we're gonna send you directly from this studio to the world's largest putt-putt golf course in the world!"
Butters,Oh really?
Kyle,Wow!
Cartman,"Did he say ""the... largest putt-putt golf course in the world""?"
Maury,"Go on, you're going right now!!"
Stan,"But, that's not fair! That means Butters gets to go and we don't!"
Kyle,Yeah! We thought of the whole thing!
Cartman,Euh! Once again Butters is tryin' to screw us over! That asshole!
Cartman,"Hello, is this the Maury Povich show?  Yes, I'm calling because I saw your television program, and I also have balls hanging from my chin.  I'd like to come in and talk about my disorder and perhaps get a free trip to the largest putt-putt golf course in the world?"
Operator,"I'm sorry, but we're done doing freak shows for now. We're looking for people for a new topic."
Cartman,What's the new topic?
Operator,Please help my out-of-control child.
Cartman,"Oh. Hey, I'm out of control!"
Operator,Really?  Is your mother in tears every day over how disobedient you are?
Cartman,"Uh, sure!"
Operator,Does she worry about you doing drugs and having sex at such a young age?
Cartman,"Ehyeah, sure. Ah I do crack and pot pourri, and queazies"
Operator,"Well that's great! If you can get your mom to come in with you, we'd love to fly you out."
Cartman,"...my, my mom?"
Cartman,Mmoooomm?
Liane,"Yes, sweetie?"
Cartman,Could yo do me a favor?
Liane,"What's that, my little man?"
Cartman,Could you um... go on the Maury Povich show with me and say that I'm out of control and do drugs and have sex so that I can go to the largest putt-putt gold course in the wwoooorrlldd?
Liane,"Hmmm. but you're not out of control, muffin. You're my perfect little gum drop."
Cartman,"I'm just asking you to lie for me. You love me, don't you?"
Liane,Orf course I do.
Cartman,"Oh, I have such a pretty mother. Such a wonderful mother."
Liane,"Sweetie, don't."
Cartman,"Then it's settled. Oh, I have such a great mother.  Such a beautiful mother."
Linda,"Just what did you think you were doing, Butters? Not only did you lie to us and say you were on a camping trip with Kyle's family, you made a fool of yourself AND us on national television!"
Butters,"Oh I'm sorry, mom."
Chris,"Well, sorry isn't gonna make it this time, mister! You know, your grandmother saw the show and had a mild stroke!"
Butters,"Aw jeez, ah I didn't mean to almost kill Grandma. I promise I'll never go on TV with balls on my chin again."
Chris,"Ugh! You'd better believe you won't, buster!"
Linda,"Your father and I have to leave now to visit Grandma in the hospital, but you can just take those balls off your chin and march right up to your room!"
Butters,Yes ma'am.
Butters,"Serves me right! Puttin' balls on my chin and lyin' about it. Why I, I should be grounded for a month! Why do I do these things? Why can't I behave myself?"
Stan,"Hey Butters, those other freak people from the show were just over here looking for you?"
Butters,Oh Jesus! They were??
Stan,"Yeah, they wanted to find you bad."
Butters,"Well Oh, God! W-whatdya tell him?"
Stan,I- told them where to find you.
Butters,What?? W-why the heck would you do that. Wuh they wanna kill me for not bein' a real freak!
Stan,"Oh. Well, serves you right for screwing us over."
Butters,"Oh Jesus no.  They've come to boil me alive! Uh just like Lobster Boy! Ah, I've gotta get outta here!  Wait! I can't go anywhere. I'm grounded. Oh Christ, what a pickle!"
Man with Foot on Head,Napoleon?
Disfigured Country Singer,Napoleon Bonaparte?  I think he's up here.
Butters,"Oh, hello, folks. Uh what's the problem?"
Disfigured Country Singer,"There you are, Boy With Balls On His Chin."
Man with Foot on Head,We've got big news! The union is striking.
Butters,"The union? Oh, that's why you came?"
Disfigured Country Singer,"We're tired of our crappy prizes! So the union president, Man with Terrible Skin Condition, has told us to round everyone up."
Butters,"Uh uh I can't freak strike, fellas. Ah-, I'm grounded."
Man with Foot on Head,Grounded for what?
Butters,"For havin' balls on my- AH! Ah, I mean, nothin'.  Ah I'm not grounded."
Man With No Face,"Good, then you can march with us. Freaks of the world,"
The Freaks,Unite!
Announcer,Today on Maury Povich: These moms  don't know what to do with their out-of-control kids!  Young boys and girls so whorish on our show that it borders on child pornography!
Maury,We're here talking with moms who think their children are out of control.  Vanessa here says that her thirteen-year-old daughter Vanity is already doing drugs and having sex with older men
Studio Audience,Ooohhhhhhhh
Maury,"Vanessa, what does Vanity say to you when you tell her toooo... do her homework."
Vanessa,"She says she hates me. She, she calls me ""retard""? And, she says my cooch is all dried up and nobody wants it."
Studio Audience,Aawwwwww.
Maury,"Well, let's bring her out. Here's Vanity!"
Vanity,"Wha'evah, wha'evah! You fuckin' cocksuckers don't know shit! Fuck you!"
Maury,"Wow, Vanity, you are really an out of control teen."
Some audience members,Yeah!  Maury! Maury!
Vanity,"Wha'evah! Maury, my mom don't know shit! You could aks her! I aks her all my homies that they be down wit it. You know, it's all good shit.  Fuck you, cocksuckuhs!"
Cartman,"Jeez, that girl is pissed off."
Stagehand,"Okay, Cartman family, you're on in two minutes."
Vanessa,Why can't you just listen to me and love me  Ow!
Vanity,"Shu' up! Shut the fuck  up, you God-aweful skank!"
Liane,"I'm glad you're not that bad, poopsie-kins"
Cartman,"But if I'm not the most out-of-control teen, I might not win the prize.  Excuse me, I wanna make a quick change. Where's wardrobe?"
Stagehand,Second door on the right.
The Freaks,Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!
Man with Terrible Skin Condition,"Brothers and sisters, the time has come for us to be treated with the respect we deserve! We are a strong and diverse group of people, with members like  Woman with Crablike Body,  Incredibly Obese Black Person,  Man with Brains Outside of Head, and  Liza Minnelli. The talk shows have us on and give us little gifts and perks while they make tens of thousands of dollars."
The Freaks,Yeah!
Man with Terrible Skin Condition,"We told the talk shows our demands, and they laughed! They say they can get plenty of other stupid guests to go on their shows! So we must picket those other guests!"
The Freaks,Yeah!
Butters,"Well, gush, ah, I need to go. I can't picket, guys."
Hammerhead Man,You're not gonna picket?
Man with Terrible Skin Condition,Who's not gonna picket?
Disfigured Country Singer,Boy with Balls on Chin doesn't wanna picket.
Butters,Well it's just that my parents are... I can't picket!
Man with No Limbs,"Why? You're not a SCAB, are you?"
Butters,NO I I'm not a scab.
Man with Terrible Skin Condition,"Now, we will split up into groups and form picket lines. The first group will be led by: Incredibly Obese Black Man."
Incredibly Obese Black Man,"Escuse me, I'm not Incredibly Obese Black Man, I'm Incredibly Black Obese Man."
Man with Terrible Skin Condition,"...Oh, right. My bad."
Announcer,"And now, back to more kids who are out of control, on the Maury Povich show!"
Maury,Our next mother is Liane Cartman. Her son claims to be the most out-of-control kid in the world and says there's nothing his stupid mom can do about it.
Studio Audience,Awww.
Vanessa,Why won't you kids behave?
Vanity,"Shut up, skank, he's not talkin' to you!"
Maury,"So, Ms. Cartman, you can't control your child?"
Liane,"Oh, my little poopsie-kins gets into no-nos once in a while, but he's still my perfect little plumsy-kiddle"
Maury,"Well, your son made a video backstage. Let's take a look."
Cartman,"Maury, I am out of control. Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I waunt, bitch! Yeah I have sex, and I don't use protection! It's my hot body; I'll do what I waunt!  I don't go to school and I kill people! What-evah! I'll do what I waunt!"
Studio Audience,BOOOO!!
Liane,"Oh, he's such a cutie."
Maury,"Well, let's bring him out. Here's Eric Cartman!"
Cartman,"Wha'evah! Wha'evah!  Maury, my mom can't control me, I'm tough! Go on, aks hurh!"
Maury,"Ms. Cartman, what does your son like to do?"
Liane,"Ooo, he loves playing with his Clyde Frog and Wellington Bear."
Cartman,"Mom, we're pretending, remember? Sex and drugs."
Liane,"Oh, I mean, sex and drugs."
Studio Audience,Oooohhh!
Cartman,What-evah! What-evah!  I'll do what I waunt!
Vanity,"Oh, what-evah. You ain't tough, ho! I roam with gangs!"
Cartman,Oh yeah?! I roam with twelve gangs! And we only commit hate crimes! What-evah! I'll do what I waunt!
Vanity,What Evah! You ain't bad! You ain't nothin'! I ditch class and go shoot heroin in the school bathroom!
Cartman,"What-evah! I ran for Congress and won. Then I had sex with an intern, killed her, and hid her body! What-evah, I'll do what I waunt!"
Man with Terrible Skin Condition,What do we want?
The Freaks,Better prizes!
Man with Terrible Skin Condition,When do we want them?
The Freaks,Now!
Man with Terrible Skin Condition,What do we want?
The Freaks,Better prizes!
Butters,Better prizes.
Man with Terrible Skin Condition,When do we want them?
The Freaks,Now!
Butters,"Never.  Sir, I really gotta go home. My parents are gonna be sore at me."
Man with Terrible Skin Condition,"Napoleon, you need to understand something: for a union to work all members must be prepared to make sacrifices and stick together."
Butters,But I gotta get back to my family.
Man with Terrible Skin Condition,"We're you family too, Napoleon. We're like you. When we look at you we don't even see the testicles on your chin. We see the testicles in your heart.  What do we want?"
The Freaks,Better prizes!
Man with Terrible Skin Condition,When do we want them?
The Freaks,Now!
Butters,"Aw. hamburgers, this just keeps on gettin' worse."
Police Captain,"Okay folks, we're gonna have to move along."
Man with Foot on Head,Why? We're a union and we have a right to picket.
Police Captain,"I'm sorry, but the government does not recognize you as a union. You'll have to go."
Middle Dwarf,What are you saying? That because of our appearance our organization is less important?
Police Captain,"Now now now, I'm not telling you people that your union doesn't matter, I'm just telling you that you're not really... people."
Man with Foot on Head,"...Alright, that does it! It's time to bring out the big guns! Prepare the video sabotage!"
Butters,"Oh no, not the video sabotage, uh."
Announcer,...child? We're back with Maury.
Maury,"We're here, talking with moms who think their children are out of control."
Vanity,What evah!
Cartman,I slaughtered five baby seals with my bare hands. What-evah! I'll do what I waunt!
Maury,"Now let's meet Joline. Joline says that her daughter is also out of control, that she's flirting with older men, and, she's only four months old."
Studio Audience,Aawwww.
Joline,"Mmhmm, that's right Maurih."
Maury,"Let's bring her out: here's Chantal!  So Joline, exactly how is your daughter out of control? You say she flirts with older men?"
Joline,"Maurih, it's like this: Whenever I have friends over to the house Chantal will come waltzin' in the livin' room completely naked!"
Studio Audience,Ooohhh!
Vanity,Whatevah. I helped in a drive-by shooting.
Cartman,What-evah. I digitally put Jabba the Hutt back into the original Star Wars movie! I'll do what I waunt!
Maury,"Wow, that is out of control!"
Joline,"Why, just last night I had three gentlemen callers over to my house, and Chantal took her clothes off right in front o' everybody!"
Studio Audience,Boooo!
Joline,You see?  There she goes. There she goes.  OH! YOU GOD-DAMNED WHORE!
Man with Foot on Head,Attention Maury viewers
Maury,What the hell is this?
Elephant Man,"A lot of decent hard-working freaks in America are losing their talk-show jobs to freaks of a different nature. Sure, everyone in this great country of hours is a freak, but true, physically deformed freaks must be recognized, for it's these real freaks that make you all feel better about yourselves for not being one. So next time you're watching television, make sure it's a show with ""freak"" freaks, and not just with people that are freaks because they're stupid trailer trash from the South. That's what we mean when we say, ""Look for the True Freak label"""
Butters and the Freaks,"Look for the True Freak labelWhen you are watching a TV talk showRemember somewhere,our union's growingOur wages going to feed the kids.And run the house-We work hard, but who's complaining?With TFU we're making our way!So always look for the True Freak label,Because you need us right here in the U.S.A.!"
Maury,"Ah, sorry America, a little glitch there, heh. Anyway-"
Man,"They're right. We should have never crossed that picket line. Come on, honey."
Maury,"Wait! Come back, uh-... Maybe we can make the other out-of-control kids take... their clothes off, too!"
Cartman,Whatevah! I'll crap in Maury's pants!
Cameraman,"Sir, the ratings have just started to plummet."
Maury,"Ah, those damned freaks!"
Maury,I gave you shoes! And groceries! And this is how you repay me?!  Very well. Just come upstairs and... we'll negotiate!
Man with Foot on Head,We did it! The strike worked!
Man with Terrible Skin Condition,Now we can go on with our careers!
Butters,"Whoa, thank God that's over. Now I can get back home."
Cartman,"Butters, you have screwed me out of a prize for the last time!"
Butters,Oh. Double hamburgers.
Man with Foot on Head,Jesus Christ! That out-of-control kid ripped poor Napoleon's balls right off!
Incredibly Obese Black Man,Get him!
Cartman,Aaahh!
Incredibly Obese Black Man,Get him! Get him!
Butters,Hey. Things actually turned out... okay for me this time.
Chris,Butters!
Butters,Oh I know.
Ms. Choksondik,"Okay children, step off the bus and form a group next to the nice redneck - I mean, rancher."
Rancher,"Hello, boys and girls. My name is Rancher Bob."
Ms. Choksondik,Let's all say hello to Rancher Bob.
Kids,"Hi, Rancher Bob."
Rancher Bob,I'm pleased to show you all the wonderful world of beef. Follow me.
Kyle,City kids get to go to museums for field trips. We get cow farms.
Rancher Bob,"Now, out here you can see our cattle. This is where the magic begins as the cows eat and sleep and prepare for certain death."
Cartman,They look so delicious.
Rancher Bob,Now here we have the slaughterhouse. This is where we turn the cows into steaks and burgers.
Kids,Eewwww!!
Kyle,"Aw, dude."
Rancher Bob,"Hey, anybody want a free sample?"
Cartman,Memememee!
Rancher Bob,"And in here, boys and girls, we have our...  veal ranch.  You see, with veal the whole key is keepin' the cows chained so they can't walk around or get any exercise. That way, their muscle tissue stays soft, and makes for tender veal."
Stan,Wait a minute. Veal is... little baby cows??
Rancher Bob,Yeppir.
Kyle,"Then why the hell do they call it ""veal""??"
Rancher Bob,"Well, if we called it ""little baby cow"" people might not eat it."
Stan,"Yeah, I wouldn't have."
Butters,"Huh, me neither."
Cartman,"Oh, man, look at that one!  It looks delicious"
Kyle,What??
Cartman,"Mm, succulent and juicy.  Can we have a free sample of these, too?"
Rancher Bob,"Well, no, but all these veals are goin' to the slaughterhouse tomorrow mornin'. They'll be steaks by tomorrow afternoon and then you can buy them at your grocery store."
Cartman,Alriiight!
Stan,"Tomorrow morning?  Dude, we gotta help them."
Kyle,Yeah.
Stan,"Pst, Cartman."
Cartman,"No, Uncle Jesse, no!"
Stan,"Cartman, wake up!"
Cartman,What? What the hell are you guys doing??
Kyle,"Come on, we've gotta go!"
Cartman,Where are we going?
Stan,"We're gonna go to save the little baby cows, fatass!"
Cartman,What? Why?
Kyle,"'Cause they're gonna get slaughtered tomorrow, butthole!"
Cartman,So?
Stan,"So we can't let 'em die, douchebag! You're our friend; now come help us!"
Cartman,"Well, lessee, in the last three point two seconds you've called me ""fatass,"" ""butthole,"" and ""douchebag."" I really don't feel like you guys's friend."
Stan,"We're sorry, you are our friend. We need you to help us because friends stick together."
Butters,"Uh-wait. I thought... yoyou said we needed him because he has the ""Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering playset."""
Stan,"Damnit Butters, will you shut up?!"
Cartman,Oho! So you indeed me and my Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering playset!
Stan,Yes we do. We're those little baby cows' only hope. Will you help us?
Cartman,Yes. Yes I will. If Kyle will kiss my black ass.
Kyle,What?!
Cartman,Just give it a little kiss and I'll help.
Kyle,"Screw you, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Hokay, but if you want my help you have to give it just a little kiss.  Kiss it."
Stan,"Go on, dude it's the only way."
Kyle,No!
Cartman,Kiss it. Come on.  Kiss it.
Stan,"Just do it really fast, and we can go."
Kyle,Have Butters kiss it.
Cartman,"No, it has to be Kyle."
Kyle,Awww!
Cartman,"Oh man, that was soho awesome!"
Kyle,Sick! I felt it on my face!
Stan,"Okay, very funny Cartman, now come on!"
Cartman,"Hell, I'm not goin' with you!"
Kyle,Hyaaaa!
Cartman,Heeeey!
Butters,"Oh I don't know about this, fellas. It says right here on the Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering playset: ""Not for actual breaking and entereing. B-breaking and entering is a cr-riime."""
Stan,"Yeah, well killing little helpless baby cows should be a crime, too!  How does this thing work, Cartman?"
Cartman,"Jesus, don't you guys have any toys? First you put on the black ski mask  and use the torch to cut a hole in the roof."
Stan,"Okay, that's far enough. I'm going to go delta."
Cartman,You have to talk louder. I forgot the double-A batteries for the SuperTalk play-action headset.
Stan,"I said that's far enough!  Don't be scared, little baby cow. We're here to set you loose.  There you go. You're free. Run away!  Go! They're gonna murder you."
Cartman,"Stan, could you hurry it up? I'm freezing my ass off."
Kyle,You need to freeze some of your ass off.
Cartman,"O! At least I have as ass, Jew!"
Kyle,What?
Stan,"Come on, you stupid baby cows!  You have to get out of here."
Butters,Huuh what's the matter?
Stan,They aren't leaving.
Cartman,See? Maybe they want to become sweet juicy veal steaks.
Kyle,Hey. They've never been allowed to walk before. They just don't know how.
Stan,"Oh yeah, they're too weak to move.  Well, we've gotta get 'em out of here. We'll just keep them at Butters' house until they can get their strength back."
Butters,No no no no no! I can't bring cows into my house. I'll get grounded.
Stan,"Okay, fine Butters! I guess you're not a team player! We'll bring them to my house."
Kyle,Dude! How are we gonna move twenty three calves to your house?
Stan,I don't know.
Cartman,"I've got it. We could kill Butters, and then float the calves on a river of blood."
Kyle,"Don't be stupid, Cartman! Butters doesn't have that much blood in him!"
Butters,Eh yeah I do too!
Stan,"We're just gonna have to carry them one by one.  Come on, you guys."
Cartman,Eh!
Cartman,"Check it out, you guys. I'm calf-curling."
Cartman,"Man, these calves smell like crap! I don't see how you're gonna hide them from your mom much longer."
Stan,We won't have to. Butters said he has something in his house that makes baby cows strong again. He's bringing it over.
Kyle,Butters has that at his house?
Butters,Hey fellas!
Stan,Butters!  Did you bring it?
Butters,I sure did. We'll have those poor baby cows in shape in no time!
Kyle,All right!
Butters,"""Susanne Sommers' Calf Exerciser."""
Stan,What?
Butters,"""Makes your calves stronger in just - two days!"""
Kyle,"Oh, God-damnit! That's your plan?"
Butters,"Eh, you thnk it's a gimmick? Susanne promises right on the box that it works."
Officer Barbrady,"Hello, Mr. Marsh."
Sharon,Officer Barbrady. What can I do for you?
Officer Barbrady,"Well, we've got a little problem. Gent here caught your boy and his friends trespassing on his ranch. They stole some of his property."
Sharon,Stole? A-a-are you sure?
Rancher Bob,"I followed a calf-curling path right to your house, ma'am."
Shelly,"Ooo, Stan's in trouble. Let me kick his ass, Mom."
Sharon,"Not now - my son is not a thief. I'm sure this is just some kind of a misunderstanding.  Stanley, did you see-?"
Stan,Aw crap!
Sharon,"Stanley, what are you doing with those calves?"
Stan,That asshole is gonna kill them and feed them to people!
Randy,"Stanley, they belong to him."
Stan,"They don't belong to anybody! Please Mom, we don't want these calves to die."
Shelly,"Let me hit him, Mom!"
Sharon,"Stanley, this isn't up for discussion. The rancher is gonna take his cows back and  you don't have a choice!  Stanley! Stanley, you open this door right now or you're gonna get it!"
Stan,No!
Randy,"Stan, you're behaving like a kid!"
Stan,You're the ones who made me eat veal without telling me what it was! You're the one who know we were making little baby animals suffer!
Sharon,"Open this door, now!"
Stan,Kiss my ass!
Butters,"Oh Jeez, he said ""ass"" to his parents."
Kyle,"You're getting in pretty deep, dude."
Sharon,"I apologize for this, Mr. rancher person."
Rancher Bob,"Oh, why, why don't you just tell them that the cows will be safe. And when they come out I can take them back."
Sharon,"I can't lie to my son, okay? If I betrayed him like that, I'd pay for it the rest of my life."
Rancher Bob,"Well that's just too bad. Look it, that's eight hundred dollars' worth of veal up there and I have to ship it out Friday. What are you goin' to do, Officer Barbrady?"
Officer Barbrady,Me?? How did I get into this mess?
Kyle,So what happens now?
Stan,"I'm gonna lock myself in here with these cows until we have a guarantee of their safety, in writing."
Kyle,"We're with you, dude."
Butters,Yeah.
Stan,"Don't be so sure. Because I'm gonna tell you: this is gonna get ugly. Real ugly. When all is said and done you could all be looking at being grounded for three, perhaps even four weeks. So if any of you guys want out, just say the word now."
Cartman,I want out.
Stan,"Shut up, Cartman."
Kyle,"We're with you, Stan."
Butters,"Hey y-yeah. W-w-we can't let those little baby cows down. Why, they've got no one else to turn to."
Stan,Then it's settled. One for all and all for one! Except Cartman.
"Kyle, Butters",Yeah!
Cartman,Yeah! Wait-what?
Sharon,"And so that's the situation. Our boys have locked themselves in Stan's room until we can promosie them the calves will live free, in writing."
Sheila,"Well, this is ridiculous! I don't know how you raise your kids, but my son does not play negotiator with me!"
Sharon,"We excuse me, Sheila, but it wasn't that simple!"
Sheila,HA! Give me fifteen seconds with Kyle and I'll have that door open!  Kyle?!  This is your mother! You will open this door right now!
Kyle,...No I won't.
Sharon,"Yes, I see what you mean, Sheila.  That was very impressive."
Sheila,"Kyle, if you don't do as you're told, I'm going to be very angry!"
Kyle,"Well you made me eat veal and didn't tell me what it was. So go ahead and be angry, you baby calf-killing bitch!"
Sharon,Very persuasive.
Sheila,AAAAA! Open this door!! Open this door!!
Chris,"Whoa-ho-ho, let, let me try.  Butters?  Butters, this is your father."
Butters,"Oh, sweet Jesus. Uh, what do I do?"
Stan,"Be strong, Butters. You knew it would come to this."
Chris,Butters? Answer me!
Butters,But they-ah they're angry at me.
Kyle,Don't panic. I'll tell you what to say.  You can tell them...
Chris,Butters! Right now!
Butters,"Dad, uh, why don't you suck my fat one?"
Chris,WHAT?!
Butters,"Oh, sweet Jesus."
Chris,What's gotten into them?
Sharon,"Alright, Stanley, this has gone on long enough! Your little game is over!"
Stan,"This isn't a game, Mom. We're not coming out until know the calves will be safe."
Sharon,Well that's fine! You boys can just stay in there and starve to death. Us parents are going to go to Pizza Shack and have pepperoni pizza and ice cream.
Cartman,"Oh, God-damnit you guys."
Kyle,"Cartman, stay away from that door!"
Sharon,"You'll have to come out sooner or later, boys. The longer you wait, the more trouble you'll be in."
Sheila,Mmmrragh!!
Stan,Round one is over. We made it.
Cartman,"We didn't make it! Your mother's right, douchebag! What are we gonna do? Stand here until we starve?!"
Stan,"Our parents would never let us starve. They're bluffing. This is a battle of wills. If we hold out long enough, they'll give in."
Kyle,"But we will have to sleep, dude."
Stan,Three of us can sleep while one keeps watch. We'll shift every couple of hours.
Butters,"Hehey! This is gonna be just like Vietnam, huh fellas! Whoopie!"
Stan,We'll stay in this room with these baby cows for as long as it takes!
Randy,Well we tried everything. We can't get through the door without tearing apart the house.
Gerald,"Dear God, it's been over thirteen hours!"
Liane,"Oh, but my poor little poopsie must be getting so hungry. Maybe we should get them a little food."
Sharon,"Ms. Cartman, this is a battle of wills. We need our boys to know that we're not gonna cave in, at all."
Liane,"Oh, all right."
Sheila,Let's all just go to bed and let them play their little game for as long as they can.
Butters,"Good night, fellas!"
Kyle,Good night.
Butters,"Good night, Patches. Good night, Halloway. Good night, Nepture. Good night, Davis. Good night, Bud. Good night, Red. Good night, Paulette. Good night, Chastity."
Cartman,"Butters, I'm going to kill you over and over again."
Cartman,Can't go on. Need... food...
Kyle,We didn't realize hunger made you feel so bad.
Cartman,"There's only one alternative, you guys. We're gonna have to eat a calf."
Stan,"No, Cartman, we're not eating a calf!"
Cartman,All right. Then we're gonna have to eat Butters.
Kyle,"He might be right, dude."
Butters,"Aw, heck."
Stan,"Wait, what is that?  Dude!"
Cartman,Food!
Sharon,"Ms. Cartman, what are you doing?"
Liane,"Oh, I just can't stand to see my baby suffer"
Sharon,"Oh dear God, you've ruined everything."
Kyle,All right!
Stan,See? Now we can hold out for weeks!
Cartman,Look you guys! Beef jerky!
Kyle,Yeah! And fried chicken!
Stan,Wha?
"Kyle, Cartman",Mmmmm.
Stan,"Dude, what are you guys doing?"
Kyle,"We're eating, dude."
Stan,You're eating meat! What the hell do you guys think we're doing all this for?!
Kyle,Hey! I'm doing it to save little baby cows. I'm not gonna stop eating meat altogether.
Butters,Me neither.
Cartman,"Yeah, if you don't eat meat at all, you become a pussy."
Stan,"That's fine! You guys can live off of flesh, but I'm never eating meat again!"
Cartman,"Go ahead, that's more for us.  You want some beef jerky, buddy? Yes, who's the buddy? Who's hungry?  Who's the hungry man?"
Kyle,"Dude, that's messed up."
Kyle,"You guys, check this out!"
Field Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing in front of the house where three insane boy terrorists have barricaded themselves inside a room with twenty-three live infant cattle."
Butters,"Hey, look. Some other kids are doin' the same thing we are.  Eugh"
Field Reporter,"Several attempts to break into the room have proven unsuccessful, Tom, and the crisis is intensifying. Here's what some people have to say."
"Craig's father, Tom","We were sleeping when suddenly we heard all the commotion. I mean, to think this could happen right here in our own community."
Randy,"We gave those kids everything, and they turned into little... John Walkers!"
Field Reporter,The police chief of South Park says that there will be no negotiations with terrorists.
Butters,"Oh no. Eh this is big-time trouble now, fellas."
Stan,"No, this is exactly what we wanted."
Kyle,It is?
Stan,"Yeah, don't you see? This validates everything that we're doing. If we're making the news, then this is obviously important to people."
Field Reporter,"Tom, it looks like I have an update: Yes, it looks like the boy terrorist story is not interesting news to anyone. Uh, nothing else was going on, Tom, so this was the only story we had to make seem important, but people are just simply tuning out. So, HBC will now be switching programming once again to ""Puppoies from Around the World."""
Stan,...I don't believe it.
Butters,"Ehuh, the Chinese puppy's... my favorite so far."
Stan,Butters? Buh-Butters! You have your arm around me!
Butters,"Oh, sorry. I thought you were Mr. Pickles."
Voices,"We must help the helpless, we must save the unsaved"
Kyle,"Huh, what the hell is that?"
Hippies,If we... fight together we can make sure the road is paved.For a... brighter tomorrow...
Cartman,Hippies!
Stan,What are they doing here?
Hippie,We're with you boys! Your message is real and your voice is just.
Hippies,Hooray! Hooray!
Kyle,Dude! Those gaywads are on our side?
Butters,"Ew, they're all dirty."
Cartman,"What did I tell you, Stan! We save some baby cows from being eaten, and now we're no-good dirty God-damned hippies!"
Field Reporter,"Tom, the calf terrorist standoff continues as now members of the FBI arrive to put an end to the conflict."
Sharon,Oh Jesus Christ.
FBI Agent,Who's in charge here?
Officer Barbrady,I am. But I don't want to be.
FBI Agent,Where's the negotiator?
FBI Negotiator,"Right here! Glen Dumont, Negotiator Squad"
FBI Agent,"All right, see what you can do."
Kyle,"Dude, are you okay?"
Stan,"Aw, I just feel so rundown. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've got these sores."
Butters,What is that?
Kyle,"Dude, maybe we should end this."
Stan,No!
Glen Dumont,Give me a hard line to the phone in that house!
Officer Barbardy,The terrorists already said there's no way they're coming out.
Glen Dumont,"Don't worry, I'm a negotiator. It's my job to talk to freaks like this and bring about a peaceful resolution using clever psychology."
Stan,Hello?
Glen Dumont,"Hello, my name is Mike. I'm a negotiator. Is it okay if I talk to you?"
Stan,"Ah, hold on.  It's some negotiator named Mike. What do I do?"
Kyle,Don't give him anything!
Stan,What do I say??
Cartman,"Dah, give me that!  Talk to me Mike."
Glen Dumont,"I'm here to make sure we can all end this peacefully. You want that, right?"
Cartman,"Sure, sure."
Glen Dumont,"How about we make a trade, just show that we can trust each other."
Cartman,What do you have in mind?
Glen Dumont,"Well, how about you send out one of the calves?"
Cartman,"Oh, Mike, you're breakin' my balls here, Mike."
Glen Dumont,"Just one, that's all we want."
Cartman,"All right, how 'bout this? You guys have all the leverage and we have nothing. So how about we give you one calf... -"
Stan,"Cartman, no!"
Kyle,Dude!
Cartman,"We'll give you one calf, if you give us... some guns and ammunition of our own."
Glen Dumont,"What? I, I can't do that."
Cartman,"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were talkin' here, but I guess you're not talkin' to me. Goodbye."
Glen Dumont,"No no wait, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Yuh, you're right. What reason do you have to trust me? I'm just a guy from Lakewood trying to make ends meet, you know? Just a blue-collar guy like your dad."
Cartman,"Don't have a dad, Mike. That's not gonna work."
Glen Dumont,"Oh. All right, fine, son of a gun, let me see what I can do."
Glen Dumont,Okay. Up a little... left a little...  Almost there.
Randy,What is that?
Glen Dumont,We're giving the boys some guns in return for our calves
Randy,What?
Sharon,You're giving my baby guns?
Glen Dumont,"Hey, this is a negotiation process, okay? Did you people go to negotiator school? No, you didn't!  Get them on the line for me!"
Cartman,Hello.
Glen Dumont,"Alright, you see that? I keep my end of the bargain."
Cartman,"All right, we'll keep ours. We'll send out one calf."
Glen Dumont,"Well, ha- how about you send out two calves?"
Cartman,"Oh, Jesus! You know, there's just no talking to you, is there, Mike?!"
Stan,O-ogh...
Cartman,We had a deal! Do you think I'm stupid?! Don't treat me like I'm stupid here!
Glen Dumont,"I'm sorry, I'm sorry.  Damnit, I'm losing them.  Okay, I'm sorry. Just send out one calf."
Cartman,"Oh nonono, now you're gonna have to get us something else!"
Glen Dumont,What do you have in mind?
Glen Dumont,"A little to the left...  Okay, that's good. A little to the right."
Sheila,You're giving them a missile??
Glen Dumont,"Stand down, ma'am! Stand down! This is a delicate process! I've almost earned their trust!"
Kyle,"Stan's getting worse, you guys."
Cartman,"Mike, speak."
Glen Dumont,How are we doin'?
Cartman,"We got a real sick kid here, Mike. Did you get the other things for us?"
Glen Dumont,"Weh ah I did manage to get the FDA to officially change the word ""veal"" to ""tortured baby cow."""
Cartman,"Good, good."
Glen Dumont,But I couldn't get you North and South Dakota.
Cartman,"Oh, Mike, breakin' my balls, Mike."
Glen Dumont,"Now, now please can, can we get you to come out?"
Glen Dumont,"All right, everythng has worked out. The boys have promised to come out and bring the cows out with them."
Adults,Yes! All right! Woohoo!
Officer Barbrady,"Whoops, sorry I doubted your abilities, Mr. Negotiator."
FBI Agent,They're coming out now?
Glen Dumont,"Yes. All we need to do in return is get a cattle-transporting semi-truck that will take the boys and the cattle to Denver International Airport, where we have a fully-gassed airplane waiting to take them all to Mexico."
Sharon,What??
Glen Dumont,"And they want the guy that plays Mr. Worf on ""Star Trek"" to drive the truck.  In full makeup."
Randy,Jesus Christ!
FBI Agent,"All right, that does it! You are in fact the worst negotiator I've ever seen in action!"
Glen Dumont,"All right, all right, I'll give you that. But in return, I want three staples."
FBI Agent,"Get out of here!  We'll get them the semi, and we'll get them the Worf guy. If they see that, thay'll come out and then, we could take them."
Officer Barbrady,But isn't that dishonest?
FBI Agent,"Maybe so, but if we don't do something soon, there could be fifty, even sixty people who'll have to go without veal for dinner. Are you prepared to let that happen?"
FBI Agent,All right. Where is Mr. Dorn?
Michael Dorn,"I was woken up at three in the mornng, told I had to put on makeup, and come to this town.  What the hell is gong on?!"
FBI Agent,"I'm sorry, Mr. Dorn. It's FBI business. We've got terrorists making demands and we need your help."
Michael Dorn,This is highly unusual!
FBI Agent,"All right boys, we have your truck. And we have an airplane on the tarmac at Denver International."
Cartman,And Worf?
Michael Dorn,My name is Michael Dorn. I play a character called Worf.
Kyle,Stan! It worked!
Stan,It... did?
Kyle,"They got us a truck, and an airplane, and Mr. Worf! The calves are gonna be okay!"
Stan,Pick me up. I... I want to see.
Cartman,Step back! Tell those men to step back!
FBI Agent,Do it!
FBI Agents,Mmrrrr.
Hippies,All right! Woohoo! Yeah!
Cartman,"Aw, shut up, you freakin' hippies!  Alright, Mr. Worf, start the engine and put her in gear. Oh, amd you must refer to me as ""Captain."""
Michael Dorn,Where am I supposed to drive to?
Cartman,"No. See, must say, ""Captain, where am I supposed to drive to?"""
Michael Dorn,"Captain, where am I supposed to drive to?"
Cartman,You're going to back the truck up to the door of the house so we can safely load in the calves.
Michael Dorn,This whole thing is ridiculous!
Cartman,"""Captain, this whole thing is ridiculous!"""
Michael Dorn,"Captain, this whole thing is ridiculous."
Cartman,"Okay, all set!"
Field Reporter,"Tom, it looks as though the terrorists are now loading the baby cows into the back of a semi. This is still very uninteresting news, Tom."
Butters,Okay Cartman!
Cartman,"Step on it, Mr. Worf!"
Boys,All right!
Butters,We're going!
Kyle,Mexico here we come!
Cartman,"Wait a minute. They're following us! Full speed, Mr. Worf!"
Michael Dorn,We cannot keep going fast on these icy roads!
Cartman,"""Captain, we cannot keep going fast on these icy roads?"""
Michael Dorn,"Captain, we cannot keep going fast on these icy roads."
Cartman,"Alright, Mr. Worf. Then reduce speed to forty-five and maintain distance from those police cruisers."
Kyle,"Stan, we're almost there. You've got to hold on."
FBI Agent,"Alright, they're in front of the cattle ranch. Hit it!"
Cartman,"Oh, it's a double-cross!!"
FBI Agent,"Alright, boys! The game is over! Get out of the truck with your hands up!"
Kyle,Oh no! No!!
Cartman,"What are you waiting for? Go kill them, Worf!"
Michael Dorn,I'm NOT killing anybody!
Cartman,Egh! Some God-damned Klingon you are!
Stan,"We're sorry, cows. We tried. We tried!"
FBI Agent,"Alright boys, just stay right there until your parents arrive."
Michael Dorn,Can I go now?
Officer Barbrady,"Here you go, Mr. Rancher. I got your cattle back for you"
Rancher Bob,"Oh.  Well, it doesn't matter now."
Officer Barbrady,What you do mean?
Rancher Bob,"You see, in the six days since the word ""veal"" was officially changed to ""little tortured baby cow"" the market has gone dry. Seems that people see ""little tortured baby cow"" on their menus, they don't feel like orderin'."
Butters,Really?
Rancher Bob,"Yep, damn things ain't worth spit now. I'll let 'em live outside with the other cows and live a normal life."
Kyle,"Do you hear that, Stan? It worked! We've shut down the veal industry!  Stan? Stan??"
Dr. Doctor,He's very lucky you got him here when you did. He was in a very advanced state of vaginitis.
Randy,Vaginitis?
Dr. Doctor,"It occurs when a person stops eating meat. Those sores on his skin were actually small vaginas. If we hadn't stopped it in time, Stan would have eventually just become one great big giant pussy."
Kyle,"Whoa, dude."
Dr. Doctor,We've got an IV of pure beef blood pumping into Stan's veins and the... sores are fading.
Cartman,Thank God we stopped it in time.
Stan,"Well, I guess we learned somethng today: it's wrong to eat veal because the animals are so horribly mistreated, but if you don't eat meat at all you break out in vaginas."
Butters,Hear hear.
Sheila,"All right boys, it's time to go home. You've got some serious grounding time to start."
Chris,I'll say!
Butters,"Aw, we're still grounded?"
Kyle,"But, but we, we learned things, and took up a cause."
Gerald,"Yes Kyle, but you still defied your parents. And you need to learn that terrorism is never the answer."
Chris,"That's right, let's get these terrorists to their rooms.  But first,  maybe we can grab some burgers."
The Boys,All right!
Stan,This is gonna be so awesome!
Kyle,Do we have everything?
Stan,"Chips, pop, cookies, Kleenex, toilet paper, flares - we won't have to leave the TV room for anythng!"
Cartman,All right!
Kyle,"Look, it's almost time."
Announcer,"Up next on HBC, the Russell Crowe Show!"
Stan,"Alright, here we go."
Choir,"Born in New Zealand in sixty-fourA hot-headed actor named Russell CroweHe loves to act but he loves one thing more:Fight-in' Round The WorldHe fights his directors and he fights his fansIt's a problem no one understandsIf there's two things he love it's fighting and,Fight-in' Round The WorldMakin' movies, makin' music andFight-ing Round The World!Russell Crowe'"
Russell Crowe,"Hello, everybody. I'm Russell Crowe, and this is ""Fight-in' Round The World"" . We're gonna have lots of fun tuhday as we travel all around, and look for some good-  Ay! What the hell do yuh think you're doin'?!  You walked right through my shot, mate! Do you know who I am?!"
Man,"Oh, excuse me. I was just-  God-damned smartass! Do you think you could"
Stan,"Shelly, we're watching that! Go back!"
Shelly,"Shut up, turd. I'm watching Buffy."
Stan,"No! Shelly, we have to watch HBC!"
Russell Crowe,"Oh! Get up! Get up, you little pussy!"
Shelly,The Russell Crowe Show? You turds don't even like that show!
Russell Crowe (off-screen),Oh ya like that do ya?!
Stan,"It's not the show we care about. During one of the commercial breaks of tonight's episode, they're gonna show the exclusive never-before-seen trailer to the new Terrance & Phillip movie!"
Kyle,It's the biggest night of the year.
Shelly,That's stupid! See your turdy trailer some other time!
Stan,But all the other kids are gonna watch it and talk about it at school tomorrow.
Shelly,"No, turds!"
Cartman,"Shelly, did I ever tell you how hot I think you are?"
Shelly,"Shut up, fat turd!!"
Cartman,"I'm not a fat turd, I'm a stocky turd!"
Shelly,We're not watching this!
Russell Crowe,Come on!
Man,"Look, I apologize, but I was just--"
Stan,"But Shelly, it's the Russell Crowe Show! You always said there's nothing you love more than Russell Crowe."
Shelly,"There is one thing I love more than Russell Crowe, and that is seeing you unhappy. So, Buffy it is!"
Stan,"Shelly, please, let us watch. We'll do anything. Anything!"
Shelly,"All right. I just started my period, and I need tampons. If one of you turds go buy them at the store for me, you can watch your stupid turd show with your stupid turd movie commercial in it!"
Stan,"O-K, deal."
Shelly,"And they'd better be here when I come back downstairs, turds!"
Russell Crowe,"Well, that was a lot of fun, wadn't it, kids? But if looks like if we're gonna get in more fights, we're gonna have to go look for 'em."
Kyle,"Dude, why'd you make that deal? If we're out buying tampons, we'll miss the trailer anyway/"
Butters,Ehyeah!
Stan,"Well, only one of us has to go to the store. The others can watch."
Kyle,You'd miss the new trailer?
Stan,"Dude, I'm not going."
Cartman,"Alright, we'll have to play for it. How about... if your name is Butters, you have to go. Okay, so what's your name?"
Stan,Stan.
Cartman,"Stan, okay. What's your name?"
Kyle,Kyle.
Cartman,Kyle. What's your name?
Butters,"Butters! Aw, I lose, huh?"
Cartman,"Aw, yeah, Butters, you lose, sorry, tough break."
Kyle,"Well just hurry, Butters. You can probably make it back in time before the first commercial break."
Butters,"Oh, Jesus. Ah, I gotta run like the wind."
Russell Crowe,Seems like no one else here wants to fight.
Kyle,"Dude, thank God for stupid people"
Cartman,Amen.
Russell Crowe,"...lets ask our old friend, Tugger. Where should we go fight people next, Tugger?"
Tugger,TOOOOOOT
Russell Crowe,"Great idea!  Tugger thinks we should go to the faaar away of China.  China is one of the oldest civilizations on earth. And from what I understand, they LOVE a good fight! So let's go!"
Tugger,TOOOT TOOOT
Man with Mustache,Oh my God! It's Russell Crowe!
Russell Crowe,"Oh my God, it's Russell Crowe! Oh my Gmah, bah bah byah byah!  Why don't you mind your own business, you scrotum?! Making movies, making songs 'n fight-in' round the world."
Stan,"Dude, why is this guy always beating everybody up?"
Russell Crowe,"What a glorious day to spend a way, fight-in' round the world."
Cartman,"What's wrong with the colors on your TV, Stan? They're all saturated."
Stan,They look fine to me.
Kyle,"Just don't mess with it, Cartman."
Cartman,"Nah, nah, the cable wire must be loose."
Kyle,Just just leave it alone.
Cartman,"Dude, do you wanna the Terranace & Phillip trailer with messed-up colors? I don't. How's that?"
Stan,That's worse!
Cartman,"Okay, how about ... that?"
Stan,Dude!
Kyle,God-dammit Cartman! You broke it!
Cartman,"It was just... I just... Butters, you asshole!"
Stan,"Dude, the commercials could start any time!"
Cartman,I don't think we're watchin' them on this TV.
Kyle,"God-dammit! Come on, we can go watch it at my house!"
Stan,Get all the stuff!
Butters,"Hey fellas. I got the tampons. Uh, I didn't miss it, did I?"
Stan,We're going to Kyle's house to watch! Come on!
Butters,Oh Jeez.
Butters,"Oh boy, uh, Oh Jeez, Oh Jeez"
Stan,Hurry! We can't miss the commercials!
Cartman,Bluh! Aah! You guys! Seriously!
A Voice,...but the Palestinian government uh is not going to see any for future-
Stan,"Huff, huff"
Butters,Huh uh hurry! Hurry! Hurry!
Russell Crowe,And so here we are in history-rich Ch-ooina.
Kyle,We made it! It hasn't gone to commercials yet.
"Kyle, Stan, Butters",Phew!
Ike,Hey! Imong telling Dat!
Cartman,Huh. Ohmigod! Huh.
Ike,Dadadadat!
Kyle,"No Ike! They're playing the trailer to the new Terrance & Phillip movie during the show, and we have to watch it!"
Russell Crowe,"This is Tianinman Square. Lots of good foightin' has gone on here throughout the years, including a fan-tastic massacre that took place back in '93.  These chinamen can grow to over five feet tall, and in a fight, are known to kick with their legs. Let's see if we can get in for a closer look.  Oi!  I've gotten close enough now that they're startin' to get real froigh'ened. You can see the fine hairs on the back of their necks standin' on end.  Gotcha mate!  Ah, you wanna fight, huh?!  Think you could take me, you little buggers?!"
Cartman,"God, when is this gonna get to the commercials?"
Gerald,"Kyle, Ike says you kicked him off the TV."
Kyle,They're goin' to show the new Terrance & Phillip trailer
Gerald,You know your brother watches MacNeil/Lehrer Report every night at ten!
Ike,Etetheh bunlapala un night.
Kyle,"But Dad, this is all the never-before-seen footage."
Gerald,It doesn't matter! Ten to eleven is Ike's time to watch MacNeil/Lehrer
Kyle,"God-dammit. Come on, guys. We gotta go to Butters' house."
Stan,Aww!
Cartman,Argh!
Butters,"Whoa, wait fellas.  We can't go to my house."
Cartman,We can't go to my house either. It's being fumigated.
Stan,AGH!  Wait! Chef just got a new plasma TV with surround-sound. Let's go to his house! Come on!
Ike,It's a burning flag.
Cartman,Ey! You guys! I'm seriouslih!
Kyle,"God-dammit! If we miss the commercials, I'll never forgive my brother!"
Chef,"Oh. Hello there, children."
The Boys,Hey Chef.
Chef,"Uh, how's it goin'?"
Chef,"Oh, you wanted to see the new TV, huh?  Pretty cool, ain't it?"
Stan,"Yeahyeah, how do you change the channels?"
Chef,"Uh, I don't know. This TV has more features than a space shuttle.  I can't figure it out at all."
Russell Crowe,-bloomin' Taj Mahal.
Cartman,"There, you got it, you got it!"
Russell Crowe,Freakin' Indies  really put up a  fight!
Stan,We made it!
Cartman,"Oh, thank God."
Chef,"Russell Crowe?? Children, you shouldn't be this show about a man who beats people up because he's insecure."
Cartman,"We don't give two craps about Russell Crowe, Chef. We just wanna see the trailer about the new Terrance & Phillip movie, that's supposed to play during the commercials."
Russell Crowe,"Alright everyone, we're gonna take our first commercial break. But be sure not to go anywhere, because there's lot's more people to beat up!"
Stan,Here they come!
Kyle,"Heuh, the commercials!"
Announcer,"And now back to Russell Crowe, Fightin' Around The World!"
The Boys,Awww!
Butters,"Awww, they didn't play it. They didn't show the Terrance & Phillip trailer."
Stan,I knew it. I knew they wouldn't play it during the first commercial break.
Kyle,"Yeah, they want everyone to stick around and watch more of this retarded show."
Russell Crowe,"Making movies, making songs 'n fight-in' round the world.  Oi! Now Tugger's brought me to one of the greatest places for foightin' in North America.  Brooklyn, New York. Lots of minorities here, and they don't take kindly to whitey.  Let's get a closer look. Come on, Tugger!  Looks like we got some black people, and some Puerto Ricans.  Notice the colorful rags on their heads, meaning they could be part of a gang, and therefore,  real used to fightin'."
Black Player,"Hey, look at that guy over there. Ain't that that Gladiator guy?"
Puerto Rican Player,Where?
Black Player,"Behind that plant, next to that tugboat?"
Puerto Rican Player,"Oh yeah, I think it is."
Russell Crowe,"Oh my God, it's the Gladiator guy!  Oh my God, I've never seen an actor before!  Why don't you choke on some pig vomit, you stupid sobs!"
Chef,Why can't this guy control his temper?
Russell Crowe,"Well?? You all just gonna stand there or are you gonna fight?  Crikey, you've done it now!"
Cartman,"This TV is great, Chef."
Chef,"Yeah, and it's got all kinds of cool feature, too. Check this out. You can watch three channels all at once. I think if you hit this button here-  No, no wait. You hit this button here  No, that's not it. Let's see.  Menu...  Function"
Stan,"Dude, put it back, Chef. More commercials might come on soon."
Chef,"Let's see.  Aw, dammit!"
Kyle,"Get it back to normal, Chef!"
Chef,"I'm tryin', children! Menu, back, function-  Enter? No, no. Back? H.E.M??"
The TV,"Human eradication mode, active."
Stan,Oh God-dammit!
Kyle,The TV left.
Butters,Uh but the next commercials will be on soon.
Stan,"Come on, we gotta go somewhere else!"
Butters,Whre do we go? Where do we go?
Stan,The bar! They've got a TV at the bar!
Cartman,Aagh! God-dammit!
Russell Crowe,"You fight like Norwegians, ya fairies!"
The Boys,Phew!
Stan,We made it.
Cartman,This is killing me. The human body was not meant to move quickly like that.
Russell Crowe,"These are the Florida Keys, a remote island chain just a few miles from... Oi! Wait a minute! Wasn't I just in Brooklyn fightin' minorities? What happened with that?"
Tugger,Mooooot.
Russell Crowe,"It's that God-damned editor! He cut the Brooklyn scene short! Tugger, I'm gonna get him!"
Editor,Yeah. Oh I'm just working. I'm probably done around seven.
Russell Crowe,Who the hell do you think you are?!
Editor,I'm the editor.
Russell Crowe,"I know you're the bloomin' editor! I mean, who do you think you are cuttin' one of my foightin' scenes short?!"
Editor,"Dude, the director said to cut it."
Russell Crowe,"Moy foightin' is poetry! You don't edit Russell Crowe's poetry, you teesticle!"
Jimbo,Well that guy's just plain nuts.
Barkeep,"Hey hey hey, whoa, you kids can't be in here."
Kyle,We're not kids. We're full-grown men with dwarfism! How dare you assume that all midgets are children! We demand an apology!
Barkeep,"You ain't midgets, your lips are too full.  Now GET OUT!!"
Stan,But we have to watch the commercials in this show.
Barkeep,"Look, this is a bar! We can't have children in here. People come here for debauchery and sin!"
Cartman,Butters will give hand jobs in the corner for a dollar.
Butters,Sure! I'm good at all kinds of jobs!
Barkeep,GET OUT!!!
The Boys,Aaah!
Stan,"Come on, we gotta get to a TV!"
Cartman,"Oh, you've gotta be kidding' me!"
Chef,"Yes, is this customer service? I'm havin' problems with my new television. It sprouted legs and guns 'n started walkin' around shootin' people. Uh huh. Okay. Ohhh, so I press ""menu,"" then ""function."""
Townsman,Jesus!  Waaaah!
Chef,"No, that didn't work. Did I set the internal clock? Uh, no.  Oh, really? Well, how do I do that?"
Cartman,Find the remote! Find the remote! Hold it!
Kyle,We're not too late!
Russell Crowe,"Come on, Tugger ol' mate. Why are you lookin' so down?"
Tugger,"Mooot, mooot."
Russell Crowe,Tugger's in a bit of a sad state. Seems his girlfriend and him had a bit of a row last night.
Tugger,Mooooot.
Old Man,...What is this?
Russell Crowe,"Come on. Cheer up, Tugger. How can I make you feel better? I know!  How would you like me to sing one of the songs off me new album?"
Tugger,Nooo! Nooooo!
Russell Crowe,"What's that, Tugger? You say you really love the songs on my album?"
Tugger,Noooooooooo!
Russell Crowe,"Alright then, Tugger."
Tugger,"Noo, no!"
Russell Crowe,You know that you're my baby. You know I need you now.
Tugger,Noooooooooo!
Russell Crowe,"I don't know where I'm goin', I gotta get there some, yeah gotta get there, somehow."
Tugger,Noooooooooo!
Russell Crowe,Gotta get there somehow.
Tugger,Noooooooooo!
Russell Crowe,"You can stay away tonight, but I'm gonna sleep here, in my explosive clouds..."
Tugger,NOOOOO!
Russell Crowe,"SHOUT! Think I feel your heartbeat, can you feel mine... lady lookin' lovely, gotta take your love a shot, gotta take it..."
Tugger,NOOOOO! NOOOOO!
Russell Crowe,Tugger!  Tugger shot himself!
Announcer,Has Russell lost Tugger for good? Find out after these messages.
Cartman,Here we go!
Stan,Commercial Break Number Two!
Announcer,"And now back to Russell Crowe, Fightin' Around The World!"
Cartman,That's it? That's all the commercials?
Kyle,They didn't play the Terrance & Phillip trailer again!
Stan,I knew it. They're waiting until the very last commercial break.
Kyle,Ugh! We're gonna end up watching this whole retared Russell Crowe show!
Russell Crowe,"Tugger! Why'd you do it, Tugger?!  Doctor! Tell me how he is, doctor!"
Doctor,"Well, he's a very sick little tugboat."
Old Man,"What is this? We wanna watch ""Puppies From Around The World."""
Old Woman,Yeah. We don't like this show.
Cartman,Shh. Okay?! Old people need to be quiet right now!
Russell Crowe,"You gotta save him, Doc! Tugger! 'E's my best friend! The only friend in the world who would-"
Doctor,"He's going to live, but-"
Russell Crowe,"Oi! Don't you interrupt me, you vag-oina! I was givin' a heart-wrenchin' soliloquy about me feeling's for Tugger!"
Doctor,Sorry.
Russell Crowe,"Oh, Tugger! Tugger, the world won't be as bright without ya, mate! Give it to me straight, doctor! Will Tugger live?! Tell me the truth!"
Doctor,...Now?
Russell Crowe,"Yes, now's fine."
Doctor,"Oh. Uh, your tugboat's going to be okay. He just needs an oil change and a new steamstack."
Russell Crowe,"Ooo, de-lolly! D'you hear that, everybody?! Tugger's gonna be okay! D'you know what that makes me feel like doin'? Foightin'!"
Old Man,This show is too violent! Put the puppies back on!
Old Folks,Yeah!
Old Woman 2,Please.
Cartman,"Shut up! Shut the hell up! We're watching this until the next commercial and that's final, old people!"
Old Man 2,"All right, that does it! We know how to get our way! Everyone, on the count of three, release your bowels! One! Two!"
The Boys,Awww!
Cartman,Eewww!
Stan,"Oh, God, it's horrible!"
Kyle,"That'd disgusting, dude!"
Cartman,"God, I hate old people!"
Stan,We have to go to Butters' or Cartman's house! We have nowhere else to go!
Butters,"I told you, we can't go to my house!"
Cartman,And my house is being fumigated!
Stan,"Well, screw it! We'll watch it in your house even if it is being fumigated!"
Butters,"Oh boy, we gotta hurry, guys!  ...Come on!"
Russell Crowe,"Crikey! Ol' Tugger looks healthy, happy, and  fit as a whistle!"
Kyle,"It's okay, it's still the show."
Russell Crowe,"But you know, Tugger's attempted suicide made me realize that I should take up a cause. Most great actors take up causes, and I'm the greatest of 'em all! So, from now on i'm gonna spend all my spare time ...fighting cancer.  Right! Where is that pussy cancer anyway?!"
Kyle,"Oh, dude, I don't know how I can take it."
Stan,Me neither. I'll be dead before the commercials. Wait a minute! I forgot there's a black and white television back at my house!
Kyle,Will your sister let us watch it?
Stan,She has to!
Stan,Hurry! The commercials will be on any minute!
Butters,"Aw! Oh man! Uh, uh uh uh..."
Cartman,"Oh my god, eugh! Oh God! Oh, Jesus help me!  Oh! I lost a doughnut!  Oooh! Oh oh!  Oh my God!  Leave no doughnut behind!"
Butters,Oh Jesus! Wait.
Stan,What?
Butters,I never gave Shelly her tampons. She's been this whole time without them.
The Boys,AAAAAAAaaaaaaaahhhhh.
Shelly,"I told you I needed tampons, tuurrddsss!"
Kyle,Look! Crack addicts with a television!
Russell Crowe,"Well, we couldn't find cancer, but we found a man with cancer.  Take that, cancer! And that!"
Tugger,Mooot Mooot!
Stan,The last commercial break has to be coming on any second!
All,AAAAA!
Chef,"...Yes, I pressed ""menu"" three times!  No! It's givin' me the same error message!  Yes I read the instruction manual!"
The Boys,Where do we go?!
Kyle,Oh Jesus! Now where do we go??
Stan,"We've tried everywhere! Butters, are you absolutely sure we can't go to your house??"
Butters,I'm sure! There's no way!
Kyle,Well why not?!
Butters,"Uh because! Uh my parents are out of town, and I don't have a babysitter."
Cartman,"Oh, God-dammit you better be kidding!"
Butters,No! I really don't have a babysitter. That's why I'm stayin' at Stan's.
Kyle,This whole time your TV is in a house with nobody in it?!
Stan,"Come on, let's just go! We'll kill Butters later!"
The Boys,AAAAA!!
Cartman,"The time has come! Turn it on, turn it on!"
Russell Crowe,"And so we'll be right back, after these commercials."
Stan,We made it!
Kyle,The last commercial break is starting!
Announcer,Don't go anywhere. Russell Crowe will be right back after a few more commercials.
Cartman,These commercials are all so God-damn stupid!
Stan,"Jesus Christ, how long is this commercial break gonna be??"
Kyle,What if they don't show the Terrance & Phillip trailer at all? What if we went through all of this for nothing?
Butters,They have to show it! They promised they would!
Cartman,"You guys, calm down. This is what TV shows always do. They make the last commercial break the longest."
Kyle,That's bull-crap! TV shows are gay!
Stan,"Wait a minute! Look!  ""The following preview has..."" This is it! This is it!"
Announcer,Coming this summer! The greatest Canadian duo of all time is back.
Cartman,Woohoo!!!
"Stan, Kyle, Butters",Yeeeeesss!
Stan,That looks AWEsome!
Kyle,They were wearing cowboy hats!  Did you see??  Did you see??
Cartman,"Clyde, Clyde? Did you see that?  Yeah, we- Whoa, we think it's gonna be good, too."
Butters,"Oh, I'm so glad we didn't miss it!"
Cartman,"You guys, Clyde said he taped it and kids can come over now to have a see."
Stan,"Oh, dude, let's go!"
Butters,Yeah.
Kyle,"It looks even better than their first movie, huh?"
Cartman,"Yeah, it sure does!"
Stan,I wonder if it's all a western?
Butters,How far away is June?
Russell Crowe,"Well, we sure had a good time today, didn't we, kids? We fought some Chinamen, a few peckers, and a lot of Colombians, to name just a few. But I sure am glad we got ol' Wally B. back. Aren't you?"
Wally B.,"I'm glad to be back, Russey!"
A Girl,"Oh my God, it's Russell Crowe!"
Russell Crowe,"Oh my God it's Russell Crowe! Oh my bluh blah bluh!!  Why don't you flush yourself down a toilet, you cu-"
Tugger,Mooo-oooo.
Russell Crowe,"Uh-oh, Tugger's whistle. You know what that means!Tugger's whistle's blowin' Means we must be goin' No more Russell Crowein' for you.But now don't you start to whineI'll see ya again next time.'Cause there's plenty a-more a-fightin' left to do.Makin' movies, makin' songs, an' fightin' round the world.See you next time, everybody!"
Chef,"So I'm supposed to press ""menu,"" then ""function,"" then ""enter."""
Stan,"Okay, here he comes."
Kyle,Who wants to tell him?
Cartman,I'll do it.
Butters,"Hehey, fellas. I'm glad you called me. There was a pie-eating contest down at the firehouse, and I thought we should all go."
Cartman,"Butters, could you take a seat, please?"
Butters,"Wuh well, sure."
Cartman,"Butters, we have to have a very difficult conversation."
Butters,Wull what is it?
Cartman,"Well, in the, in the months since our friend Kenny died, you've really stepped up as a friend and ""filled the gap."""
Butters,"Well uh, it's my pleasure! I love bein' you guys' new friend."
Cartman,"Yes. Well, Butters, it's just not working out."
Butters,Not working out?
Cartman,"I'm afraid we're gonna have to let you go, as our friend. You're just tooo..."
Kyle,Lame
Cartman,"Lame, yes."
Butters,"Well, but ah I can get better."
Stan,"Butters, you just don't really fit in with us here. We think it's best for all of us if you for friendship opportunities elsewhere."
Kyle,"But we certainly want to thank you for all your hard work and attempts at being our friend, lame as they were."
Butters,Huh but ah I thought we were gettin' along... great. Heh ah I thought we were really havin' fun together.
Cartman,"Yes, well, we weren't."
Butters,"Please, fellas, uh don't fire me."
Kyle,"We're sorry, Butters.  Our mind is made up."
Cartman,"But we certainly wanna thank you for coming by.  You know the way out, right?"
Kyle,Phew.
"Stan, Cartman",Phew.
Kyle,"Hm, I think he took that pretty well, I think."
Cartman,Who cares?
Stan,"All right, so let's get started on who's gonna be the new person to take Kenny's place."
Butters,"The world isn't fair. I do everything people ask me to. I stand in the lunch line for them, I buy tampons at the store for them, I go on Maury Povich with balls on my chin for them.  And yet, nobody accepts me. I am an outcast. A shadow of a man who can find no companion... ship. No love from others.  Fine!  If I am to be an outcast, so be it!  I'm through doin' what others tell me to do, and I am sick of this world and the stin-, and the stinky people in it!  From now on I will dedicate my life to bringing chaos to the world that has rejected me!  I will become the greatest supervillain  the world has ever seen!  Where I go, destruction will follow!"
Butters,"Prepare, O little town! Uh prepare for the greatest supervillain you've ever seen! Professor Chaos!"
Linda,"Butters, time for bed."
Butters,"Hu-uh, okay Mom.  Yes. Uh sleet sleep for now.  Tomorrow, the chaos begins."
Cartman,"All right, we wanna thank everybody for coming. This is a great turnout.  Uh, as you know, our friend Kenny died a few months ago and we are still looking to fill the void with a new friend. Now, you've all been selected as possible candidates, but unfortunately, there is only room for one of you. So Stan and Kyle and I will be spending the next few days going out with each one of you and narrowing our choices down. Until we think we've found the perfect friend. Are there any questions?"
Clyde,...What if we don't want to be your friend?
Cartman,"Clyde... ... okay. Now, the first thing we have to do is cut the list down from twenty choices to ten. And so today we will all be going to the amusement park together to see who we want to cut. Please keep in mind that this will all be videotaped, so put on your best friend faces, and may the best friend win. Oh, and we will be needing a ten dollar per person entrance fee."
Bennigan's Chef,"Order twenty-three is up, and uh, order twenty-four is up."
Man 1,"Uh, waitress, a-a-actually, I ordered the chicken soup. This is minnestrone."
Man 2,"Yeah, I had the minnestrone over here."
Butters,"I am Professor Chaos, and now, this puny world uh will bow down to me!"
Stan,So today we went to the amusement park with all our possible friends.  It was a really fun time. We rode all the rides and everyone got along great.
Cartman,I think the person that stood out most at the amusement park was Jimmy.
Jimmy,"Well, the, the reason I think I would make the perfect foreh- friend, is that I love telling jokes. You know, who doesn't like to laugh?"
Kyle,Tweek. Now there's an interesting choice. Tweek has a lot of qualities that I look for in a friend.
Tweek,"What if they don't pick me? What if they get us all, man! I mean, Christ! If they can get to the Pentagon, then they can get to us all, man! Aaaa!"
DogPoo,"I think I deserve to take Kenny's place the most, because, I've been hanging around these guys for like five years and I never get to say or do anything."
Cartman,"...Yeah, I've only seen that kid in class, but he never does anything. He's more like a prop."
Kyle,"Towelie is a tough choice because,  even though I can see how always having a towel around can come in handy, he's just always so high."
Towelie,"Man, I really hope I win, because... wait... why is this again? I have no idea what's goin' on."
Cartman,"We decided to get some one-on-one time with Jimmy and ride the log ride.  The great thing was that, because Jimmy's crippled, we got to go to the front of the line.  That was definitely big points for Jimmy, you know, but, but then we got to the ride itself, and..."
Jimmy,"Hey, I-I'm gonna need some help getting in the log, fellas."
Ride Operator,O! Shut her down. Someone needs assistance.
Cartman,"Oh, really?  That's gonna cost some points."
Kyle,"But right now I'd say if we're gonna have a retard for a friend, I, I have to pick Timmy. Because Timmy doesn't tell any jokes."
Jimmy,"Boy, isn't this great fellas? Are we great pals or what?"
Stan,One thing for sure: picking our new friend isn't gonna be easy.
Butters,Kneel. Kneel before Professor Chaos!
Butters,"Ah, the look on their faces when they got the wrong soup. I love bringing chaos!  And that's only the beginning!"
Cartman,"All right, everyone. It was a tough decision, but based on our time with you all at the amusement park, we have whittled our choices down to ten.  If you receive a rose, please stay. If you don't, get the fudge out.  Kyle, will you announce the people we want to stay?"
Kyle,Token.  Clyde.  Craig  Timmy
Timmy,Timmih!
Tweek,Oh man! This is too much pressure!
Kyle,Pip  Jimmy  Jason  Towelie  Luigi .
Cartman,"Just one more rose left, Kyle. Who does it go to?"
Kyle,Tweek.
Tweek,Aaarr!
Cartman,"All right, the rest of you, thanks for coming. Get the fudge out!"
DogPoo,"I didn't make the cut?? Oh God, I didn't make the cut??"
Dougie,I didn't even get a chance to have them get to know me!
Stan,"All right, congratulations to those of you selected to stay. In the end, one of you will be the new Kenny.  Good luck."
Linda,"Good morning, Butters."
Butters,"It certainly is, Mother. Did ya hear about what's been goin' on? Some horrible new supervillain made somebody get the wrong soup order ot Bennigan's."
Linda,"No,  I didn't hear about that."
Butters,"Yeh, you didn't?"
Butters,"Uh Dad, can I uh can I see the newspaper real quick?"
Chris,"Why sure, Butters. I was just about to get some breakfast."
Butters,"Nothing.  Nothing!  It's the liberal media! They're keeping the stories of my deeds covered up, so as not to cause a panic. Well, I guess it's time to take it up a notch!"
Stan,"Okay, next?"
Kyle,This looks pretty good.
Stan,"Yeah, it's not bad. Next?"
Timmy,Timmay!
Cartman,Next?
Cartman,"Okay, so now we're gonna see how you all work as a friend during classtime. Your performances will be judged primarily on how you help us cheat and give us answers. So good luck, everybody."
Ms. Choksondik,"Sit down, boys."
Cartman,Alrighty then.
Ms. Choksondik,"All right, children, before we get started, has anybody seen the eraser for the chalkboard?  It probably got knocked on the floor somewhere. Can you all just please look around your desks for it?"
Butters,"Yes. Look around for your precious eraser. You won't find it. That eraser's in my back yard, buried three feet below the surface of the earth.  And do you even suspect me?? No! Now we shall all see how you all like your dear chalkboard without an eraser.  And information, it just keeps pilin' up and pilin' up, until your minuscule brains can take it no longer!"
Ms. Choksondik,"No? Oh, oh well. Never mind. I've got a backup one in the desk.  Okay, today children, we're gonna learn about multiplying times five."
Butters,"So! You all think that you can outsmart Professor Chaos, do you?!"
Ms. Choksondik,"Now, whenever we multiply a number times five, the result is going to end in a zero or a five."
Butters,"Ms. Choksondik,"
Ms. Choksondik,"What is it, Butters?"
Butters,"Ah, I need to go to the bathroom. R-really bad."
Ms. Choksondik,"Oh alright Butters. Take the bathroom pass and go.  Okay, so for instance, children-"
Butters,"Alright. I'm goin' to the bathroom now. If anybody needs me, ah that's where I'll be."
Ms. Choksondik,"Just go, Butters.  Okay, so for instance, five times one is... what, Eric?"
Cartman,"Uh, what's the question again?"
Ms. Choksondik,Five... times...  one.
Cartman,Five times one is of course...
The Class,Five.
Cartman,Five.
Butters,"The time for fun and games is over, feeble-minded fools!"
Ms. Choksondik,Who are you?
Butters,"I am Professor Chaos! Bringer of destruction and maker of doom! Those who do not know me yet shall know me very soon, for the hour of Chaos ih-is at hand!"
Ms. Choksondik,"Hey! That kid took my last eraser!  Come back here, kid!"
Butters,"Oh! Ah, I'm back from the bathroom. Ah I really let one go in there."
Ms. Choksondik,"Butters, did you see another little kid run out of here?"
Butters,"Why yes, I did. But he pushed me down and I scraped my elbow.  Go on and look at it. It's scraped. Look.  Yeesss. Go on and see the red mark on my elbow, the red mark I made myself to throw you off Professor Chaos's trail."
Ms. Choksondik,"It looks fine, Butters.  Okay, hold on and stay here, children."
Kyle,"You're such a fatass, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Oh yeah?! Well, you're a stupid Jew!"
Stan,"Shut up, fatass!"
Craig,"Oh, aaaah, well you guys are dumb."
Cartman,"Okay, Craig, interesting choice. Powerful stuff there, Craig. Thank you very much."
Butters,"It is almost ...complete. The creation of my minions who will assist me in bringing terror to the world.  There we go.  Ye-ess, my minions of, of chaos.  Shhh. Night now, night now my lovelies. Your time to bring dest-struction will come very soon.  Aaahhh!"
Linda,"Butters, a note for you was left on the front door."
Butters,A note?
Linda,Here you go.  And wash your hands after you touch those hamster - you'll get AIDS
Butters,"Okay, Mom.  So. Someone has discovered my horrible secret. This could be a trap set by the FBI. Oh, I'll be at the docks, precious FBI! But it is I who'll have the trap set for you! Come, my minions!  We haven't much time!"
Cartman,"All right, everyone, the time has come for us to narrow the list down from ten to six. But first, let us just say that the people who we didn't pick were only not picked because they totally sucked balls. Kyle?"
Pip,They're not going to pick me. I just know they're not.
Tweek,O-oh Jesus! Aaah I can't take it!
Kyle,Token.
Token,All right!
Kyle,Timmy.
Timmy,Timmay!
Kyle,Tweek.  Pip
Pip,Really? I don't believe it.
Kyle,Towelie.
Towelie,What?
Cartman,"Just one more rose, Kyle."
Kyle,Jimmy.
Jimmy,Oh boy! Oh thank God!
Cartman,"All right, those with roses will move on to the swimsuit and talent competition. The rest of you, get the fudge out!"
Clyde,This whole thing is stupid! You don't pick people you wanna be with by making it into a game!
Cartman,"Ooooooo, somebody's a sore loser! Clyde, I believe I said, ""get the fudge out!"" Which means, kiss mah fudgin' ass, go fudge yourself, fudge ya, get the fudge out, Clyde!"
Dougie,Hey Butters.
Butters,"Oh, hey Dougie.  Oh I mean, my name is Professor Chaos."
Dougie,I saw you change in the school bathroom. You stole that eraser in your class.
Butters,"Very well. You called out Professor Chaos, and you also called out, eh your own demise!  Go now, my minions. Go and take this, this foolish mortal down!  Aw minions, naw, not that way. He-  come back minions."
Dougie,"I'm, not trying to call you out, Professor Chaos. I want to join you."
Butters,Join me?
Dougie,Yeah I want to join you in your conquest of destruction.
Butters,But why?
Dougie,"I'm an outcast, too. A frail child cast aside by society. I want to follow you and... whatever you're doing."
Butters,"Uh very well. You shall be my accomplice in evil. Together, we shall bring the world to its knees! A-and make all those who banished us from society run... red."
Dougie,"Do I get a neato costume made out of aluminum foil, too?"
Butters,"Well sure you do. Ah I am professor, and you shall be my general. From now on you are General... Disarray."
Dougie,General Disarray.
Butters,"Now let us go look for my minions!  They ran away here, now to find 'em..."
Cartman,The swimsuit competition really gave us a fresh look at some of the candidates.
Jimmy,"Well, I don't think I did too well in the... bathing suit competition. But I can't wait for the talent show competition. That'll really my chance to... shine.  Wow, what a terrific audience. So anyway, a guy walks into a buh- ...A guy walks into a b- ...buh...  A guy walks into a guy walks into a  babuh ba-a-a, uh-"
Towelie,"Okay wait...  No, no wait."
Cartman,Next please.
Token,"Well, what am I supposed to do?"
Kyle,"Anything that'll impress us, Token."
Cartman,"If you were our friend, how would you keep us entertained?"
Token,"Aaaah. Oh, I know."
Cartman,Very nice.
Stan,I like it.
Kyle,"Well Token was a definite winner for talent show. But then we decided to take everyone to a baseball game, to see how we got along there."
Announcer,"There goes a hit to left field, and Foley's going to score."
All,Woohoo!
Kyle,Yeah! Isn't this great?!
Vendor,"Kids, get your drinks here."
Pip,"Eho! Yes. Can I have some tea, please?"
Cartman,"You don't drink tea in a ballpark, you French piece of crap!"
Pip,"Oh, very well. Just some crumpets, then."
Cartman,"All right, that does it! Pip, get the fudge out! Next!"
Stan,"Okay, let's try this."
Cartman,"Hey, what's wrong with the Jumbotron?"
Butters,"People of Earth! Your meaningless lives are about to end! I am Professor Chaos,  and this is my partner ih-in evil, General Disarray! In the past few days I have rained terror down upon the society that shunned me! And now it is time for my Labor of Lonely! I am going to... flood... the world!"
Man 3,Flood the world?
Man 4,My God!
Woman,"I don't wanna die,  I DON'T WANNA DIE!"
Butters,"Oh yes. Every living creature and every sacred building will soon be under leagues and leagues of cold and dark water. And there is nothing you can do to stop me! General Disarray, begin the flooding of Earth!  You brought this upon yourselves! You made the outcasts of the world! Now watch! Watch as your precious planet drowns! Watch!"
Man 5,"Jesus Christ, who will save us?"
Man 6,"We have very little time to live. How, how shall we spend our last hours on earth?"
Fans,Yeah! All right!
Butters,"Our reign of terror is complete! Our tur- turmoil has now come full circle!  Hey, is the hose on full, General Disarray?"
Dougie,It's on all the way.
Butters,"Oh. Alright then. Nothing to do now but watch the world die!  Boy, this sure is takin' a long time."
Stan,"Okay, so how do we all feel about Towelie as our new friend?"
Cartman,I think Towelie is awesome.
Kyle,"Towelie is cool, but he gets stoned all the time. You can't really rely on him for anything."
Stan,"Oh, this is giving me a headache."
Kyle,"Eh now,  come on, you guys, we can't take this decision lightly. Whoever we pick is going to be the person we do everything with from now on."
Stan,"You're right. Well now, how about Timmy?  He's quiet and he takes direction well."
Cartman,"Yeah, but Timmy can be really self-centered."
Stan,How about Token?
Cartman,Token's a smartass.
Kyle,So? You're a smartass!
Cartman,Yeah. Do we really need another one?
Kyle,Good point.
Jimmy,Hey fellas. I was just in the neighborhood and I thought I'd stop by to s-gif- gift basket.
Cartman,"Oh, thanks Jimmy"
Jimmy,"There's some chocolates and lih-licorice, and some games and peh- pencils inside."
Stan,That's great.
Kyle,Cool.
Jimmy,"Yeah well, I guess I'll be seeing you, you friends later."
Cartman,"Alright Jimmy, see ya."
Stan,Suckup.
Butters,"Not long now, General Disarray, and... our horrible plan will be complete."
Dougie,"Hey, do you think maybe we should build a boat? You know, like a little raft or something, so that when the world floods you and me and the minions can live?"
Butters,"Oh yeah. I hadn't thought o' that. That's a pretty good idea. I'll go get a hammer.  Hey, who is that?"
Worker 1,Is this it?
Worker 2,"Yeah, two thirteen, that's the one."
Butters,"Heeyyy, what are you doin'?  Aaaah! You may have won this time! But I will be back!"
Dougie,What do we do now?
Butters,"Well I had another idea of how to kill the world, but I thought it was... almost too horrible to e- to even speak of, but-  but now they have left me with no other choice!"
Cartman,"Well, this is it. We have made our final decision and one of you is who we will be spending our childhood with, as our new friend."
Jimmy,"Oh puh please. Oh, Oh God... please."
Cartman,"Four friends, just one rose. The moment of truth is here. Kyle? Who does the rose go to?"
Butters,"This is, General Disarray. My final solution."
Dougie,"What evil plot do you have this time, Professor Chaos?"
Butters,"Simple, my dear general. We are going to tear down the Earth's precious atmosphere! Oh yes! My latest plan will melt the polar ice caps, a-and burn all the world with the, with the... hu- sun's harmful rays!  Say goodbye to your... precious ozone and hello to chaos!  Okay, hand me another one, General Disarray."
Announcer,"Will Professor Chaos's latest plot succeed and be the final undoing of Earth?  And which boy has been chosen to be the replacement for Kenny?  And which of these six South Park residents was killed, and will never be seen again?  The answer to those questions will be answered... right now.  No.  Tweek.  Ms. Choksondik."
Stan,"Okay, now put on the nose, Tweek."
Tweek,I can't.  You do it.
Kyle,Just stick it on.
Tweek,But what if I put it in the wrong place?
Stan,Just put it between his eyes.
Tweek,"GARH. But what if, while I'm putting on the nose, the snowman comes to life and tries to kill me?"
Stan,"Tweek, when has that ever happened, except for that one time?"
Kyle,Yeah.
Butters,"Hey, fellas."
Stan,"Oh, hey Butters."
Butters,How are things... oing with your new best friend?
Kyle,"Well, Tweek's okay, but he's certainly no Kenny!"
Tweek,Arrrr!
Butters,"Yeah, but he's still better than you, Butters."
Kyle,Yeah.
Butters,"Well ah, that's good. Good luck being their new friend, Tweek. I hope you'll do better than me. Well, see ya fellas."
Tweek,"Oh man, that is waaay too much pressure!"
Cartman,"You guys, you guys! You're not gonna believe it!"
Stan,Uh oh.
Cartman,"Everything's gonna be okay, you guys! Life isn't so crappy after all!"
Tweek,It's not?
Cartman,"No! I was looking in this magazine, and I found an ad for little ocean creatures that you can buy and raise in your room!"
Kyle,No way.
Cartman,"Look!  Sea people. You keep them under a big tank of water and they like, build castles and play basketball and stuff."
Kyle,Nuh uh.
Cartman,Yeah! And look! They ride around on turtles and they play games with fish.
Kyle,No way.
Cartman,"Okay, Kyle, you're being a Negative Nancy. Stop it. Eh, unless you want everyone to call you Negative Nancy from now on.  Now, what we need is to all chip in four dollars, and we can have them here tomorrow!"
Kyle,Only sixteen dollars? They can't be cool if they're only sixteen dollars.
Cartman,"If Nancy doesn't want to chip in, then it will be $5.35 per person!"
Stan,"Alright, I'll chip in."
Tweek,Gah! Me too.
Kyle,"Ah, alright."
Linda,Butters! Don't forget: dinner is in two hours!
Butters,"Wokay, mom. Ah I'm just gonna be up here, uh doin' my homework.  Yes. By day he is mild-mannered, sweet, and innocent Butters BUT...  nobody knows that he actually has a dark underside...  Professor Chaos! Haha! Time to wreak havoc on the world that shunned me!"
Dougie,Professor Chaos!
Butters,"Ah, my faithful companion in world destruction, General Disarray."
Dougie,I have done as you asked and brought the first load of scrap wood.
Butters,"Excellent, General Disarray! Now we can begin my most horrible evil plan yet to wreak havoc on humanity."
Dougie,What dastardly deed are we doing now?
Butters,"Simple, my dear general.  We are going to block out the sun!"
Dougie,Oh.
Butters,"Oh yes! I have plotted for weeks, and figured that if we build a huge ...wooden shade eighty feet high, a-and fifty feet wide , precisely on this hill, South Park ...will forever be cast in a great shadow."
Dougie,"Oh, awesome!"
Butters,"Soon, all people will have to live like moles! They will love only to remember with sorrow how great the sun used to be!"
Dougie,Cool. It'll be just like on the Simpsons.
Butters,Huh?
Dougie,They did that on the Simpsons. I think it was the Mr. Burns character. He tried to block Springfield from the sun.
Butters,"He did? Hawww, heck. I thought I was bein' original."
Dougie,So how do we build it?
Butters,"Aww, I don't wanna do it now , not if they already did it on the Simpsons.  I have to think of something else.  Uh Goddamnit, how come every time I think of something clever, the Simpsons already did it?"
Cartman,Sea people... coming in the mail tomorrow...  Yesss... Yeesss...
Cartman,"Look at me, livin' freeFree and clean amongst the Sea People''We look for pirates and search for gold.Life is an adventure with the Sea PeopleThey don't ever complain, they don't call me fat.They don't make me do homework or nothin' like that.This is the way life was meant to be. Laughin' and singing,Sea people and me.Sea people and me, you guys."
Cartman,"Woowww. Only three more hours, sea people.  Only three hours and you can take me away from this crappy goddamned planet full of hippies."
Cartman,"Okay. I've added the water purifier tablet to the Sea People Kingdom tank. Now it says  ""Step 2.  Add the Sea People eggs to the water; you will see sea life spring instantly.""  Okay, let's just run through this one more time: when the sea people arrive I will welcome them to South Park as Ambassador of Earth. Tweek, you give them the key to the city, and we'll all engage them in simple conversation. We've gotta make sea people feel comfortable, okay? Ready?"
Stan,Ready. Let's see 'em.
Cartman,"Hold the sign up, Kyle!  Higher, Kyle!  Okay.  Here we go."
Stan,Are they playing basketball?
Cartman,What the fuck is this?!
Stan,"Hey, these are brine shrimp. I used to feed them to my fish."
Cartman,I got RIPPED OFF!
Kyle,"I told you, Cartman."
Cartman,"Oh, shut up, Kyle!!! Shut your Goddamned Jew mouth!!! You people are why there's war in the Middle East!!!  And you, Tweek!! Why don't you learn to button your shirt right, for once?! You're as bad as Stan with his stupid girlfriend, always spending time with her!! God, I hate you guys!!  They were supposed to take me away to their underwater kingdom. They were supposed to take me on adventures of the deep"
Tweek,"They package brine shrimp and sell them to kids? That's not right, man!"
Stan,What are we gonna do with them?
Cartman,Who cares?! Throw 'em away!!
Kyle,Hey! Let's pour them in the teacher's coffee tomorrow morning.
Stan,"Yeah, that'd be funny."
Cartman,"Heheh, okay, okay."
Cartman,"Alright, listen to me! We must take a strict vow of silence!"
Tweek,"Jesus Christ, we killed her!"
Cartman,"Shh! Tweek, shut the hell up!"
Butters,"General Disarray, are your parents home?"
Dougie,No.
Butters,"Ah, I've done it, General Disarray. I've completed my most horrible deed to date."
Dougie,What?
Butters,"You know that big statue in the town square of pioneer John Wesley Powell? I snuck over there with a hacksaw and uh, and I cut off his head!  Hahahahaa, yeah!"
Dougie,"Oh, uh..."
Butters,"Hahaha, and they're probably just realizing that now! Quick! We must turn on the news!"
News Anchor,"... but Hillary Clinton's ass just keeps getting bigger.  Also in the news tonight, a vandal has apparently cut off and stolen the head of the Powell statue in the South Park Town Square."
Butters,Look! Look! I've made the news! I-I've wreaked havoc!
News Anchor,The head was taken in the early morning hours and the police have no leads.
Butters,"I finally made the world sorry! I've brought sadness, a-and chaos!"
News Anchor,"This act, of course, reminded us all of the time that Bart Simpson  took the head of the Springfield statue in one of their classic episodes. Here's what some people had to say:"
Man 1,"Well, I, I think whoever took the head was... really just doing an homage to the Simpsons.  Heh, I think it's great."
Woman,"Yes, it really made me reflect on that episode and laugh."
Man 2,"Well the Simpsons is such a great show, and we need reminders like this to keep us watching."
Butters,"Oh. Uh-m, son of a bitch."
News Anchor,"The police say that instead of looking for the missing head, they'd rather leave it off and be reminded of the Simpsons every day."
Butters,Well why didn't you tell me the Simpsons already did that?
Dougie,"You seemed so proud, I didn't wanna bum you out."
Butters,Stupid Simpsons...
Terrance,"Hello there, Phillip. I brought you something"
Phillip,"Oh, what is it?"
Kyle,"See? We're just watching cartoons, like always. Nothing's changed."
Tweek,"Jesus Christ, she's dead!!"
Stan,"Stop it, Tweek! We're pretending like nothing happened."
Terrance,"Phillip, I think I may have accidentally killed Celine Dion."
Phillip,"Killing is never an accident, you dickface!"
Stan,"Oh jeez, change the channel."
News Anchor,"And in other news, still no known cause of death found for elementary school teacher Diane Choksondik. However, doctors say that during the autopsy they did find semen in her stomach."
Stan,"They found the sea men! It's only a matter of tiime before they find the women, too!"
News Anchor,The autopsy is ongoing and cause of death is yet to be determined.
Kyle,Oh God!
Stan,We're dead!
Tweek,"Oh Jesus!  That's it, man! I want nothing more to do with you guys!"
Cartman,Tweek! Where are you going?
Tweek,"They're gonna find you out! Then when they do I don't wanna be within fifty feet of you! You're gonna fry, man!"
Stan,"Hey, Tweek, you're in this just as much as we are!"
Tweek,What?! I told you NOT to put the sea people in her coffee! I wasn't even there when you did it!
Kyle,"Yeah, but you're our new friend and that makes you cul.. p-piable!"
Cartman,"In fact, that makes you the most responsible. Tweek, you might have to take the fall on this one."
Tweek,Rrrr-hr-hrrr!!!
Chef,"Oh, welll, hello there, children."
Stan,"Chef, we did something kind of bad."
Kyle,We don't know who else to talk to.
Chef,"Ohh, I'm sure your little cracker problems ain't all that bad. Come on in.  Now, just sit down and take a deep breath and tell ol' Chef what's goin' on."
Stan,We need you to promise not to tell anybody.
Chef,"Nowww, children, every problem can be worked out. What was it?"
Stan,We... killed our teacher and they found our seamen in her stomach
Chef,"...Oh, children, that's a problem we all have to face at one time or another. Here: let me sing you a little song that might cheer you up. Sometimes you kill your teacher and they find your semen in her stomach, and uh Wait! What the what?!"
Stan,So what should we do?
Kyle,"Wow, I guess this really is a big deal."
Cartman,"We've only got one option, you guys. We're gonna have to go to that hospital where they're doing the autopsy and get our seamen back ourselves."
Tweek,Gnaaahahahah!  I pulled out my hair!
Butters,"Wokay, how about this, Dougie?  I-I'm going' to pose as a real-estate agent and con everyone in town into buyin' a monorail. And then skip town with all their money.  No?"
Dougie,...Simpsons did it. The did it in episode 204.
Butters,"Wokay , then I'm goin' to start a Web site to spread vicious ru-rumrs about everyone in town! And and then I'll take their-"
Dougie,Simpsons did it!
Butters,I'll bury a skeleton wearing angel wings so that the townspeople will think a fallen angel has fallen-
Dougie,Simpsons did it!
Stan,This is it.
Cartman,"Alright, everyone scatter and look for the seamen. Tweek, stay by the door and keep a look out. If you see anybody coming, say the code word: Hammertime."
Tweek,"Hammertime? Can't the code word just be... ""lookout""? I won't remember ""Hammertime""!"
Cartman,"Ugh.  Just remember the song ""Can't Touch This"" and you'll remember the code word!"
Stan,"Yeah, stupid."
Tweek,"Oh, God."
Kyle,There's nothing here!
Stan,"Dude, it's probably in her stomach."
Cartman,Is it her?
Kyle,"Yeah, it's Ms. Choksondik alright."
Stan,What do we do now?
Cartman,"Just reach in there and get the seamen out of her stomach!  Oh, God! You guys are such pussies!  Hemmm..."
Tweek,Erm! Hff. You gu-guys! Ha... Hamme-  I can't remember uh-the code word!
Stan,Do you see the sea people.
Cartman,"No, just a bunch of goo."
Tweek,"You guys! Um, dum dumdumdum, dumdum, dumdum. Can't touch this. Dum dumdumdum, dumdum, dumdum. Can't touch this."
Kyle,Ms. Choksondik stinks inside.
Stan,Yeah.
Tweek,"...dumdum, dumdum. Can't touch this. Dum dumdumdum, dumdum, then stop. HAMMERTIME!"
Stan,Aaah!
Kyle,Quick. Hide.
Voice,"Yeah, well, at least we got Shannon Sharp back."
Doctor 1,"Alright, let's just leave the semen sample next to the corpse; I wanna run a hair fiber test next."
Doctor 2,"Hey, do you smell children?"
Doctor 1,"No, that's not..."
Kyle,Got it!
Stan,Let's go!
Butters,Bring the World Cup to South Park so the... a huge soccer riot can destroy the-
Dougie,Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it!
Butters,Take all the beer cans in South Park and have them shaken up in a huge mixer at the paint store so that-
Dougie,"Episode 9F17 entitled ""So It's Come To This!"""
Butters,Fine! Then maybe I'll just forget about destroying the town and just run away and join the circus!
Dougie,...Simpsons did it.
Butters,Dwaah!!
Cartman,"There. We just put the sea people back in the tank with the others, and nobody will ever know.  The blood is washed neatly from our hands."
Chef,"Alright, children, I got you four tickets to Thailand  and three hundred dollars cash . It's gonna be tough living for a while. You might have to do things for money you never thought of doin' before."
Cartman,"It's alright, Chef! We got our sea people out of the teacher's stomach and we put them back in their aquarium!"
Chef,"...Wait, what? Sea people?"
Stan,The sea people that we put in the teacher's coffee.
Chef,"Uhh, maybe you'd better start from the beginning."
Stan,...and then we put them back in the tank.
Chef,"Oohhh, children, you misunderstood. Sea people is different from se-men."
Kyle,It is?
Chef,"Yes! That stuff that was in that vial didn't come from you, it came from someone else.  I thought you children took turns rapin' and then murdered the teacher."
Cartman,"Well if they found somebody else's sea men in her stomach, maybe they'll find our sea people, too."
Chef,"Relax, children, junk that's in brine can't kill you. Your teacher must have died from something else."
Kyle,"Oh, really??"
Tweek,Egh! I'm so relieved. Gaah-ah-ah!
Chef,"Alright. You children have had a long night. Why don't we all get some rest and on Monday, I'll sing you a song explainin' the difference between semen and sea people.  Come on, children. I'll walk you all home."
Stan,"Okay. Goodnight, Cartman."
Cartman,"G'night, guys."
Kyle,I'm so glad we're not murderers.
Cartman,"Ah, so great that everything is finally back to normal."
Cartman,H'you guys! Come quick!  You won't believe it!
Stan,"Oh no, what now?"
Cartman,"Those sea men from the teacher's stomach somehow combined with the remaining sea people we had left in the tank and, ah, well LOOK!"
Kyle,Whoa.
Stan,Wow. How did that happen?
Cartman,"I've been up for hours doing some calculations, and I've come up with my final theory of composite dynamics.  Sea people plus sea men equals sea ciety."
Kyle,Whoa.
Stan,They've already accomplished so much.
Tweek,"They're like, bacteria. Small organisms live much faster lives and do things at a much faster rate."
Cartman,"That's right, Tweek. And if my theory is correct, all we need to get is more of the two reacting agents, and we can really see them flourish. Tweek!"
Tweek,Hr!
Cartman,"You go and send away for more sea people from the magazine ad! Get at least five gallons of them here stat! Stan and Kyle, you go find a bigger fish tank to them all in."
Kyle,Well what are you gonna do?
Cartman,Me?  I'm gonna go out on the town and find ten gallons of sea men.
Butters,"I've done it, General Disarray. I've watches all one hundred and thirty-two episodes of the Simpsons, twice. And I've finally come up with something... tha they have never done! Uh, behold!  This device that I have made will take the cherries out of chocolate-covered cherries and replace the inside instead, with two-month-old mayonnaise.  People will think that they are gonna get a bite of a sweet, delicious cherry, but, instead, they'll get a mouth full of yuckies, and sticky mayonnaise. Hey!  You've never ...seen this on the Simpsons, right?"
Dougie,"No, I think the Simpsons would be more clever than that."
Butters,Good! Then l-let us take my machine outside and make society finally pay for sh-shunning us!
Announcer,"Tonight on the Simpsons: It's a laughorama when Bart builds a machine that takes cherries out of chocolate-covered cherries and replace them instead, with mayonnaise."
Butters,"Nnno , uh no, no, it can't be."
Dougie,"Uh oh, Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it!"
Butters,No! No!
Dougie,Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it!
Butters,Aaaaah!
Dougie,"Don't have a cow, man."
Butters,Oh sweet Jesus!
Woman,Can I help you?
Cartman,"Yes, my mommy told me this is where I could find some sea men?"
Woman,Your... mom told you?
Cartman,Do you have them or not?
Woman,"We... sell semen, yes, but not normally to children."
Cartman,What's your name?
Woman,Frances Velman.
Cartman,"Frances, let's talk. I don't want a bunch of bullcrap from you and you don't a bunch of bullcrap from me, right? Where does that get us? Nowhere. The truth is, I'm completely certified to handle sea men, and though I may appear young, I'm one of the leading sea men authorities of the Midwest. Up and comer, you know what I'm saying? I'll have my own business soon and I'll need people to run it. I'm talkin' about you, Frances. And I'm talkin' about a six-figure income. How does that sound?"
Woman,"Everything we supply here is by a quarter-ounce.  One donor, certified, on record."
Cartman,"I see, very interesting."
Frances,What are you doing?
Cartman,"Takin' a look here.  Seems like quality stuff you got here, Frances. Yeah, good texture, nice consistency. Sea men must be alive and healthy in there. I'll take five."
Frances,Five? Vials?
Cartman,"No, gallons."
Frances,Www-we don't have that much here.
Cartman,"Damint! Give me all you've got, then!"
Butters,"Aaah! Ah, Ah, Aaah! Nooo! Nooo!"
Dougie,Simpsons did it!! Simpsons did it!!
Butters,Waaaah!  Hay! Uh let me on! Let me on!
Ms. Crabtree,SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!!
Butters,Haaah!
Mr. Garrison,"Butters, have you seen Mr. Hat?"
Chef,"Hello there, children!"
Butters,Aaah! Nooo!
Mr. Garrison,...What the hell's wrong with him?
Stan,"Look, the sea people have evolved to an Egyptian-like culture."
Tweek,Soon they'll discover frozen food. Goh-ho.
Cartman,"That should be enough water, Kyle. You got the new sea-people packets, Tweek?"
Tweek,Uh-uh huh.
Stan,"Well, drop them in!"
Cartman,And I've got the sea men.
Kyle,"Wow. That's a lot of sea men you've got there, Cartman."
Cartman,"Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley."
Stan,That's cool.
Cartman,"Yeah, and the sweet thing is, this stupid asshole didn't even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck it out of a hose. Heh.  There we go."
Stan,"Okay, now let's put the sea ciety in its new home."
Cartman,Nothin' to do now but wait.
Stan,...Close your eyes and suck it out of a hose?
Cartman,"Uh-huh, suck it out of a hose, yeah."
Stan,Hm.
Kyle,Huh.
Cartman,Oh my God! The tiny underwater civilization has advanced hundreds of years.  Look! There's a library! A-and a temple! And a- who-?  Oh. They think I'm God.  Yes!!! I am god of the sea people!!! You hear that?!  I am god of the sea people!!! I am master of their great sunken empire!!!  Mo-o-om! I'm god of the sea people!
Liane,"That's nice, poopie."
News Anchor,"And in other South Park News, elementary school teacher Ms. Choksondik's  autopsy has shown that the semen in her stomach belongs to school counselor, Mr. Mackey.  However, the semen apparently did NOT contribute to the death, and so Mr. Mackey's identity is to remain anonymous."
"Stan, Kyle",Hey Butters.
Butters,Haaa!
Stan,"Hey, what are you doing, man? Cartman says he has something really cool to show everybody. You've gotta come."
Butters,Cartman?
Cartman,Ha ha!
Cartman,"Behold! You all see my tiny minions groveling at my likeness! I am Eric Cartman, god."
Kyle,Hey. We paid for the sea people too. How come they're not making statues of us?
Cartman,"Be you not jealous, Jew. I am creator of all things, yea."
Mr. Garrison,"That is very impressive, Eric. What do you intend to do with your underwater society?"
Cartman,"I'm gonna send a message to my people and tell 'em to develop a great machine that will shrink me down to their size, so I can live amongst them forever."
Butters,Aha! Ahaha! Ahahahaha!
Cartman,"What the hell is wrong with you, Butters?"
Butters,"They did that on the Simpsons! Ha! Treehouse of Horror! Episode 4F02! The Genesis tub. Lisa loses a tooth, and the bacteria on it start to grow, and makes a little society, and they build a statue of her thinking she's God! Ha! Hahaha!"
Cartman,...So?
Kyle,...Yeah. So?
Cartman,"Dude, the Simpsons have done everything already. Who cares?"
Stan,"Yeah, and they've been on the air for like, thirteen years. Of course they've done everything."
Mr. Garrison,"Every idea's been done, Butters, even before the Simpsons."
Chef,"Yeah. In fact, that episode was a rip-off of a Twilight Zone episode."
Butters,"Really? So I shouldn't care if I come up with an idea, and the Simpsons already did it. It... uh...doesn't... matter.  Everything is back to normal, a, I think... I think I can go back to tryin' to destroy the world again."
Chef,Good for you!
Cartman,"Yeah, that's great Butters. Now get the hell out of my room."
Butters,I feel like a spring chicken. I'm ready to wreak havoc once again!
Stan,"Hey, look everybody! The other side of the aquarium is building another statue!"
Kyle,Hey! It's Tweek.
Tweek,"Me?? Aw, man! I don't wanna be a god. That is waaay too much pressure."
Cartman,"That is bullcrap! You'd better stop worshiping him, sea people!"
Mr. Garrison,What's going on now?
Kyle,The sea people from Cartman's side are suicide-bombing the buildings on Tweek's side.
Tweek,Gaaa-hah!
Cartman,Yeah! Go!
Tweek,NOW what's happening?
Stan,The sea people on Tweek's side just suicide-bombed the Cartman statue.
Cartman,Oh God-damnit!
Cartman,Oh no! Oh the humanity!
Mr. Garrison,"Well it was a nice project while it lasted, boys."
Kyle,Yep. But I guess this proves that war is the natural order of life.
Cartman,Why can't societies just live in peace?
Priest Maxi,"Parents, it's that time of year again when the bishops and priests from around the country are organizing the Young Men's Catholic Retreat. This year, we're taking the boys on a weekend boat trip to discuss Jesus's role as the Navigator of our lives."
Stan,That sounds pretty fun.
Randy,A Catholic boat trip?
Singer,The Catholic Boat's gonna be headin' on out today.The Catholic Boat. Time to throw all of your cares away.Get some hot Christian action; it'll make you-
Randy,Waaah! Waaah!  Uyah  ahem. 'Scuse me.
Randy,"Look, I just don't think it's the best idea to let our boys to go on a c-cruise with the priests."
Richard,"We can let them go, can we?"
Linda,There's no way my son's going.
Stan,What are they talking about?
Cartman,I don't know.
Tweek,Maybe they wanna kill us.
Randy,"With everything that's been in the news, I think it's best to keep our kids... far away from the priests."
Stuart,"Now, come on, everybody, just because a few priests in the country have been corrupted doesn't mean that all priests are child molesters."
Richard,"Well, sure, that's easy for you to say; your son's dead. But those of us with alive children need to be sure that Father Maxi's on the up-and-up."
Sharon,I've heard about other towns bringing in counselors that know how to find things out from kids without really telling them what's going on.
Randy,It couldn't hurt.
Richard,"Uh, Sh-sh. Here he comes, here he comes."
Priest Maxi,"Uh... Good-bye, everyone."
All,"Good-bye, Father."
Stephen,"Alright, then, it's settled. Tomorrow we'll find an outside counselor and... find out the truth."
Counselor,"Hi boys. My name is Ms. Gorache and I need to ask you a few questions about your priest, okaaay?"
Boys,Okay.
Counselor,Okay. Would you say that Father Maxi is... nice? Or mean?
Boys,Nice.
Stan,"Um, cool."
Counselor,"Okaaay, what words would you use to describe your priest?"
Butters,Compassionate.
Counselor,"Okay. And did Father Maxi, at any time, ever try to put something in your butt?"
Cartman,Ih... in our... butt?
Counselor,"You don't need to be ashamed or embarrassed. Just, did he ever try to put anything in your butt?"
Stan,...Like ...money? What?
Butters,"You mean, like a goldfish?"
Counselor,"No, no. Did he ever try to put anything that belonged to him in your butt?"
Boys,No.
Thomas,"This is ridiculous, havin' to sit out here waitin' to find out if our priest molested our kids."
Man,"Yeah, what has Catholicism come to anyway?"
Randy,"You know, I think we've just had it with the Church. All the horrible things they've done to kids, I... I think I'm gonna become an atheist!"
Richard,That's a good idea. I'm gonna be an atheist too.
Linda,Let's all be atheists!
All,"Yeah, yeah, alright."
Man,"If there was a god, why would he let our kids be molested in the first place?"
Stephen,"Yeah, let's kill God, yeah!"
Randy,"Well uh, let's, let's just be atheists."
Stephen,...Same thing.
Randy,Yeah!
Stan,What would the priest ...possibly want to put in our butts?
Cartman,Maybe... No.
Kyle,Hey dudes.
"Stan, Cartman",Hey.
Tweek,Arr!
Kyle,What are you guys doin'?
Stan,"We had to go meet with this counselor lady, and she asked us if the priest every put anything in our butts."
Kyle,In your butts?
Cartman,"Yeah, isn't that the damnedest thing?"
Kyle,Why would he put anything in your butts?
Stan,We don't know. We're- that's what we're tryin' to figure out.
Cartman,Hm.
Kyle,Hm.
Chef,"Hello there, children!"
Stan,Chef! What would a priest want to stick up my butt?
Chef,Good-bah!
Tweek,Rrrh. Nobody is going to tell us. This is going to drive me insane!
Kyle,"Calm down, Tweek. There has to be a rational explanation."
Cartman,"Aw, dude, I think I might have it."
Stan,What?
Cartman,"It makes perfect sense. Okay, w-work with me on this: if you eat food, you crap out your butt, right?"
Kyle,Yeah.
Cartman,"Alright, now keep working with me here, it's getting a little complicated. If you eat food and crap out your butt, then maybe, if you stuck food in your butt, you crap out your mouth.  Hm?"
Kyle,"Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said - this week!"
Cartman,"What, that's not dumb. Think about it: food goes in the mouth, comes out the butt. Food goes in the butt, comes out the mouth. That's not dumb, that's genius."
Kyle,It wouldn't work!
Cartman,Have you ever tried it?
Kyle,I don't need to. It wouldn't work.
Cartman,I bet you twenty bucks it'll work!
Kyle,"You're on, fat boy!"
Cartman,"Okay, let's go, Jew!"
Parents,"Yeah, yeah! Down with God! Down with God!"
Randy,"Stan, you're an atheist now!"
Richard,"You too, Tweek!"
Parents,"Yeah, yeah! Down with God! Down with God!"
Tweek,I'm a what??
Priest Maxi,"Fathers, I want to thank you all for coming."
Priest 1,"No, thank you for finally organizing an all-priests meeting, Father Maxi. I think we all agree something has to be done, quickly."
Elderly Priest,"Well, I don't know how it's been for all of you, but attendance at my church in Fort Rawlins is down sixty-three percent!"
Priest 2,I'm down almost seventy in Greenleaf.
Priest Maxi,"Uh-yes, uh, I'm afraid if things keep going the way they are, we could lose our entire religion."
Elderly Priest,"Yes, we've gotta stop these boys from goin' to the public!"
Fat Priest,They've gotta know to keep their mouths shut!
Other priests,"That right, yeah."
Priest Maxi,"Right, and so... wa- wait a minute. What?"
Priest 1,"Yes, but we've got to find out why these children are suddenly finding it necessary to report that they're being molested. Stop the problem at its source."
Priest 2,"Yes, but how?"
Priest 3,Something has to be done.
Priest 4,We've got to stop this-
Priest Maxi,"Whoa, whoa, hold on a second! The problem is that children are being molested, not that they're reporting it!"
Elderly Priest,How do you mean?
Priest Maxi,"Well, I mean, obviously, what we need to put a stop to is all the sexual misconduct that is allowed to take place in our churches, and not just tell the children not to tell anybody about it. I mean, right?"
Priest 1,Well did any of the children you've molested come forward?
Priest Maxi,No.
Priest 1,"Well, that's good."
Priest Maxi,"No, I mean! I've never molested any of the children in my church!"
Elderly Priest,"Hih-it's okay, Father Maxi. We're all priests here; the doors are closed."
Priest Maxi,"Oh for the love of God! Are you all saying that you've engaged in inappropriate relations with your altar boys? We are here to bring the light of God, not harm the innocent!  I'm serious!"
Priest 2,"Father, uh, having sex with boys is part of the Catholic priest's way of life."
Other priests,Yeah.
Priest Maxi,Dear God. This problem is much more severe than I could have possibly imagined. I have to go to the Vatican and get help.
Kyle,"Well, Cartman?"
Cartman,"Hold on!  God, let a man crap!"
Craig,What's going on?
Stan,Cartman shoved food up his ass and now he's tryin' to crap out his mouth.
Craig,Oh.
Kyle,"Well, go on, smartass, and do it!"
Cartman,"I'm doin' it already!! God, give me a minute!"
Stan,"You've had five, dude!"
Cartman,"I can't-, I can't do it with you guys watching. Turn around."
Kyle,No! Because you'll just crap out your butt and then say it came out of your mouth!
Cartman,"Ugh! Do you really think I'd be that deceitful, you guys?!  Ugh, goddammit you guys, this is so seriously."
Kyle,Get the fuck out of here!
Cartman,"Yes!! Yes, I DID IT!! I crapped out my mouth!  I crapped out my mo-outh!  You owe me twenty bucks, dickface!"
Priest Maxi,"Well, there you go. Um, grazie.  Wow, I'm actually here. Vatican City!"
Italian Cardinal,"Your Holiness, this is Father Maxi from America. He has brought this all to our attention."
Father Maxi,Your Holiness.
Italian Cardinal,"Adoramus te, Christe."
Other Cardinals,Et dominus...
Italian Cardinal,"Cardinals, bishops, and priests, an American priest by the name of-a Maxi has brought to our attention the most troubling of news. All over his-a country there are reports of children being molested by men of the Church. If things continue this way, we'll never be able to have sex with young boys again!"
Father Maxi,That's right-wait. What?
French Cardinal,In France as well we are finding it harder and harder to... make love to our boys.
Moroccan Cardinal,In Morocco they have arrested five of my priests. It's only a matter of time before they get the rest of us.
Italian Cardinal,"Father Maxi, what do you suggest we do to not get caught."
Father Maxi,"Not get caught? NO!! I, I think what we should do is not have sex with boys!"
Italian Cardinal,It is not written anywhere in the Holy Document of Vatican Law that sex with-a boys is wrong..
Father Maxi,"Well, maybe we need to change the Holy Document of Vatican Law."
British Cardinal,"Speaking on behalf of the British Catholics, it is obvious that the priest doesn't realize that the Holy Document of Vatican Law can not be changed!"
The Clergy,Yeah! It cannot be changed! Yeah!
Gelgamek Cardinal,"Yes, and speaking on behalf of the Gelgamek Catholics, I believe we should move on to other solutions to this problem."
Priest Maxi,Gelgameks?
Cartman,"Kyle, could you help me out? I need some advice."
Kyle,What?
Cartman,"It's just that... I can't decide what to buy with your twenty dollars!  I was thinking of getting this mega-man racer for $19.95, or I could get two Broncos trading packs for ten apiece. And then I thought-"
Randy,"Oh boy, now that we're atheists we don't have to pray for our food."
Sharon,"That's right, everyone just dig in.  So, kids,anything happen with your whole Sunday off?"
Stan,"Uh, Cartman shoved his lunch up his ass and crapped out his mouth."
Sharon,Stanley!
Stan,What? He did.
Randy,"Noho, it doesn't work that way, son."
Stan,Yeah it does.
Randy,No it doesn't.
Stan,Yeah. It does.
Randy,"Honey! Honey, come quick!"
Priest Maxi,"Look, people! I'm just trying to say that if we don't change the Holy Document of Vatican Law, then we might lose everyone to atheism!"
French Cardinal,"What exactly do you suggest we change, Father Maxi."
Priest Maxi,"Well, for one, no sex with boys."
Another Cardinal,"The Holy Document of Vatican Law states that a priest, bishop, or cardinal cannot get married, so where are we to get our sex?"
Priest Maxi,"Uh well then, perhaps we could change the Holy Document of Vatican Law to say that... it's okay for a priest or bishop or cardinal to have sex... with women."
French Cardinal,Women?
Gelgamek Cardinal,The Gelgamek vagina is three feet wide and filled with razor-sharp teeth. Do you really expect us to have sex with them?!
Priest Maxi,"Wuh- okay, m-maybe we just need to forget about the Gelgameks for a second and focus-"
Gelgamek Cardinal,What's that about the Gelgameks?!
Priest Maxi,"I'm just saying, what works on planet Gelgamek isn't necessarily goin' ta work for the rest of us here, on Earth. You see? That's the problem we're having here."
Italian Cardinal,But-a the Holy Document of Vatican Law cannot be changed!
Priest Maxi,Why not?!
Another Cardinal,Because we don't know where it is.
Italian Cardinal,"You see, Father, the Holy Document of Vatican Law has been hidden away deep in the Catacombs of-a St. Peter's below us. Hidden away so that it can never be changed."
Priest Maxi,But if we locate it we can make changes to it?
A bishop,"HA! Good luck, father! The document is guarded by water lizards, rattlesnakes and sand traps! The fools who have tried before to recover it met their deaths!"
Priest Maxi,Well we have to try. Our religion is dying!
Cartman,You guys! You guys! Look!
Tweek,Harrr!
Cartman,I went down to the bank and got Kyle's twenty-dollar bill turned into twenty single-dollar bills.
Stan,So?
Cartman,"So? So now I can do this!  Yeess! Yeess, Kyle's money! Mmmm, Kyle's money!"
Kyle,"Go fuck yourself, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Oh, it feels so good on my skin! Mmmm."
Kyle,"Get up, fat boy! I'm gonna kick your ass!"
Cartman,"Gee Kyle, don't be a sore loser. It's over, okay? I won. Let it go."
Kyle,So you crapped out of your mouth! Good for you! It's still stupid and immature!
Stan,"Dude, look."
News Anchor,"Our top story tonight, the age-old question has been answered: if I put food up my ass, will I crap out my mouth? All over the country, people are discovering that, yes, in fact, you will.  The surgeon-general had this to say:"
Surgeon-General,"And the uh immediate research shows that the act is not only amusing, but in fact much healthier for out bodies than the old way of eating.  You see, food entering through the anus has the benefit of being broken down on its way to the stomach rather than afterward. And therefore I believe that interorectogestion would actually put a stop to high cholesterol and most kinds of stomach cancers. And I base that on absolutely nothing."
News Anchor,The Surgeon-General's response has made Americans change their eating habits almost instantly.
Cartman,"That's stupid and immature, Cartman!"
Kyle,"It is stupid and immature! So you got people to crap out of their mouths! What do you want, a feakin' medal?!"
News Anchor,"The Mayor of South Park has announced that for first discovering this healthy way of eating, young citizen   Eric Cartman will be given... a freaking medal."
Kyle,HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Announcer,"Now, with more on ""Martha Stewart's Living"" ."
Martha Stewart,"In the past few days we've all heard of the healthy benefits of interorectogestion, and so making food that can be inserted into the ass is essential.  Now, everyone knows that some foods are simple to shove up the ass - puddings, soups, raisins... this is a nice raisin pudding right here - but we can also still eat our favorite foods. What we're gonna do today is prepare a Thanksgiving turkey for interorecto.  Now, the key to shoving a turkey up your ass is first wrapping it in string, keeping the pointy wings neatly at the side."
FBI agent,"Ms. Stewart, we have some questions."
Martha Stewart,"Not right now, I just wanna focus on my turkey,  right now.  Now, we're going to baste the turkey with lubricating gel rather than with juice - this'll help smooth the insertion later on. We still bake at four hundred degrees for twenty minutes a pound.  When it's done we'll get something like this.  So now we're ready to go. Looks delicious. Let's try it out.  Aaaaa-... Yeah, get it up there. Yeah. AAAA. Yeeaahhhh.  Phew. And that is how you eat a turkey.  We'll be right back with more."
Old Monk,Beoo!
Priest Maxi,"Ahh, hello. Uh- My name is Father Maxi, from the United States."
Old Monk,"What do you seek, Father?"
Priest Maxi,I... I'm trying to find the Holy Document of Vatican Law. ...So that we can make revisions to it.
Old Monk,That Gospel...  lies somewhere beyond this door.  But... many troubles await thee inside! Only he whose heart truly belongs to the Lord shalla make it through.
Priest Maxi,"I have to try. Our religion is in trouble, and... and that scroll may be our only hope!"
Old Monk,"Then, prepare yourself. The time of trials begins.  Adoramus te, Christe!  I wish you luck, Father. Use all the strength, agility, and faith that you have."
Priest Maxi,"Very well. Here we go.  Hmmm, there's a ladder up here.  Oh my God, a rattlesnake!  A way back up!  I've made it! Praise be to God! He hath shown me the way!  This must be it. The Holy Document of Vatican Law."
Randy,"Well, Sharon and I are havin' a great time bein' atheist. I for one can't believe I used to live my life by what a very old and very fictional book used to say."
Linda,"Well it's true. I mean, what do a bunch of stories about people in robes slaughtering goats have to do with today's world?"
Richard,Atheism has definitely made our lives better.
Sharon,"I made some quesadillas, if anybody wants some."
All,Ooohh.
Sharon,"And if anybody needs to potty, there's a potty basket right here."
Richard,"Oh thanks, Sharon."
Man,"You know, for Martha and I, we're, we're worried we might have a hard time raising our son atheist. I mean-  whoa, thank you -I mean,  it could end up being very difficult raising an atheist child in such a Christian society.  I feel that everywhere my poor son goes he's being persecuted for his beliefs."
Richard,"That's true. If I'm gonna raise my son to be atheist, I don't want him saying ""under God"" every day at school. That could really damage him. ""Under God"" should be taken out of the- uh, 'scuse me.  Moowwaaagh.  ""Under God"" should be taken out of the Pledge of Allegiance."
Randy,"That's right, I agree.  And it should be taken off of money as well.  The religious right in this country is trying to force our children to believe what they bel-  Bwwaaaagh  And we can't let the religious right corrupt our kids."
All,"That's right, that's right."
Italian Cardinal,"Cardinals, bishops and priests! Father Maxi has returned! And he has the Holy Document of-a Vatican Law!"
British Cardinal,How did he make it past the water lizards?
Priest Maxi,"Yes, I have returned with the Holy Document of Vatican Law, so can we PLEASE, change  it now to say, ""It's NOT okay to have sex with boys""?"
Italian Cardinal,"Wait wait-a, the pope-a wants-a to say something.  The pope-a says we shall ask the highest source."
Priest Maxi,Oh my.
Italian Cardinal,The holy one!  Behold the great Queen Spider!
The Clergy,Hail Queen Spider!
Priest Maxi,Queen spider?
Italian Cardinal,"O great Queen Spider, we seek a-your guidance."
Queen Spider,What do you ask of me?
British Cardinal,"Great Queen Spider, we seek to change one of the Vatican rules."
Queen Spider,The Vatican rules cannot be changed. So saith the Spider
Italian Cardinal,"Go on, Priest Maxi. See if you can convince her."
Priest Maxi,"Alright, that does it!!! I've had enough!!! You people have completely lost touch with the outside world! You sit in this big room with your Gelgameks and your Queen Spider, and none of it applies to what being a Catholic is all about!!"
A bishop,But the Holy Document of Vatican Law states that-
Priest Maxi,To hell with the Holy Document of Vatican Law!!
Cartman,"You guys, you guys!  I took Kyle's twenty dollars down to the bank again, and I got it changed into quarters!"
Kyle,So?
Cartman,So now I can dump them into this little pool and swim in them all day long!  Yeessss. Kyle's monneey.
Kyle,"Cartman, there's something I need to tell you."
Cartman,"O-hoo, what's that, Kyle?"
Kyle,"You were totally, one hundred percent right."
Cartman,Heh...  what?
Kyle,"You won the bet. You were totally accurate about being able to crap out your mouth, and I've just been frustrated because I didn't think of it first. I want you to enjoy that money because... you really impressed me with your insight and... I'm... proud to have you as a friend."
Cartman,"You sonofabitch, Kyle!! I hate you!!"
A man,"Yeah, the pope is gone!"
Randy,"Great news, Stan! The Vatican is burning down!"
Linda,Score one for us atheists
Richard,"Come on, Tweek! We're gonna watch it on TV!"
Italian Cardinal,Gone! It's all gone!
British Cardinal,"Well, thanks a lot, Father Maxi. You've killed our religion."
Priest Maxi,"No I didn't! All that's dead are your stupid laws and rules!  You've forgotten what being a Catholic is all about.  This... book. You see, these are just stories.  Stories that are meant to help people in the right direction. Love your neighbor. Be a good person.  That's it! And when you start turning the stories into literal translations of hierarchies and power, well... Well, you end up with this.  People are losing faith because they don't see how what you've turned the religion into applies to them! They've lost touch with any idea of any kind of religion, and when they have no mythology to try and live their lives by, well, they just start spewing a bunch of crap out of their mouths!"
Richard,...What was that last bit?
Priest Maxi,"Look, I, I'm proud to be a Catholic. But I'm a Catholic in the real world. In today's world! It's time for you all to do that, too. It is time... for change."
Randy,"He's right, Sharon. We don't have to believe every word of the Bible. They're just stories to help us to live by. We shouldn't toss away the lessons of the Bible just because some assholes in Italy screwed it up."
Sharon,"O Randy, I don't wanna put food up my butt anymore."
Randy,"Gang, I think maybe we, owe God an apology."
Stan,Does this mean we have to go to church on Sundays again?
Randy,"No. It means we get to, son. It means... we get to."
Stan,"Oh, cool. A preview."
Announcer,"Coming this summer , it's the classic film that changed America. E.T.: The Extraterrestrial, the new, redone version for 2002.  All the E.T. effects have been digitally upgraded.  All the guns have been digitally changed to walkie-talkies. And the word ""TERRORIST"" has been changed to ""HIPPIE."""
Stan,"Aw, dude, why would they do that?"
Cartman,"Yeah, hippies and terrorists are the same thing."
Kyle,"No, dude. They only changed ""terrorist"" to ""hippie"" to make E.T. more P.C."
Stan,That's gay.
Announcer,"Coming this summer, it's the motion picture that changed America. Saving Private Ryan, the RE-RE-RELEASE, where the word ""NAZI"" has been changed to ""PERSONS WITH POLITICAL DIFFERENCES,"" and all their guns have been replaced by walkie-talkies."
Stan,Why the hell do these directors keep updating their movies?
Announcer,"And now, for your feature presentation: the classic RE-RE-RE-RELEASE of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back"
The Boys,Woohoo!
Announcer,"In the version, the word ""WOOKIE"" has been changed to ""HAIR CHALLENGED ANIMAL"" and the entire cast has been digitally replaced by Ewoks."
The Boys,AWWWW!!!
Stan,"Goddamnit, that pissed me off!"
Cartman,"Yeah, we want our money back!"
Shlomo,"Sorry, suckers!"
Cartman,You asshole!
Kyle,Why don't they leave those movies alone? We liked them the way they were!
Tweek,"Don't you see what this means? All our favorite movies are going to be changed, and updated, until we can't even recognize them anymore."
Stan,"Tweek is right. It isn't fair for those asshole directors to keep changing their movies and making them different! Movies are art, and art shouldn't be modified!"
Kyle,"Yeah, what if they had modified the Roman Coliseum every year? It would just be another big douchey stadium now."
Stan,We have to do something. Let's form a club.
Cartman,Yeah! We can form a club that takes food stamps from poor people and then sells them back to the government for a profit.
Stan,"No, fatass! I mean a club to protect films from their directors, so they can't be messed with!"
Kyle,"Yeah. We'll be the ""Save Films From Their Own Directors"" club"
"Cartman, Stan",Yeah
Tweek,"NO! Nono, ah I don't wanna form a club! That's too much pressure! Look, ah-I'm supposed to take it easy; just, watch the clouds, sit on the grass. And, if we form a club there'll be responsibilites. Commitments!"
Cartman,"Tweek, now Goddamnit, we picked you to be our new friend to replace Kenny because we thought you were a team player!"
Tweek,I'm not! I'm not a team player!
Cartman,"Now, either you stop with these faggotronics or we'll find someone to replace YOU!"
Tweek,D'oh-ho! Oh Jesus!
Cartman,"Dude, that sign sucks! Nobody's gonna show up!"
Stan,Well what's wrong with it?
Cartman,"Look at it, dude. You're not offering any fabulous prizes. You have to offer fabulous prizes if you want people to show up for your stupid crap. Here."
Kyle,"""Free hat?"""
Cartman,"Yeah, if you offer free hats, m-maybe people will show up."
Tweek,But we don't have hats!
Cartman,Well we can just make them out of paper.
Tweek,Aahh!
Cartman,"It's not hard, it's just a stupid little paper hat. People just need free stuff - don't you guys know anything?!"
Tweek,"You see?? First we were just forming a club, now we have to make hats! When does it end??"
Stan,"Alright, let's go get the gymnasium ready. Tweek, you go make fifty hats."
Tweek,Fifty hats? Oh Jesus!
Tweek,Ah! I'll never make it! I'll never make it!
Richard,Tweek!
Tweek,Hrrr!
Richard,"Calm down, son. Remember what Dr. Norris told you. Find your center."
Tweek,My center. My... center.  Calm  Cup?
Cartman,Tweek!  TWEEK!!  TWEEK!!
Tweek,Gaaaaah!
Cartman,How many hats have you made?
Tweek,Oh God!
Cartman,We only have until 10 a.m. tomorrow!  Get the lead out!
Tweek,Aaaah! Oh God!
Tweek,"You guys, we have a big problem!"
Stan,What?
Tweek,"I was up, all night, making hats. I only slept for an hour, ...and then I dreamt about making hats, but I only made fifteen!"
Kyle,"Calm down, Tweek. Fifteen might be enough."
Stan,"Yeah, let's see if anyone has even shown up yet.  Dude, there's like a thousand people in there!"
Tweek,A thousand?  Oh Jesus man! I don't have nearly a thousand hats!
Cartman,"Then I'mo kick your ass, Tweek!"
Tweek,Goohoo!
Kyle,"Wait. It's okay. Look, maybe these people all turned out because they believe in saving films. Maybe they don't even care about the free hats."
Crowd,Free hat!  Free hat! Free hat!
Tweek,Oh God!
Cartman,I told you guys: never underestimate the power of a free hat.
Crowd,Free hat! Free hat!
Tweek,"I gotta move away, you guys!"
Stan,"Relax, Tweek, we're just gonna have to go in there and explain what happened. There are more important things right now than free hats."
Stan,"Okay, uh, we wanna thank you all for coming. We're really happy to see such enthusiasm for our cause."
Crowd,Yeah! Yeah!
Stan,"Uh, one thing before I continue. Unfortunately we don't have enough of the... free hats for everyone."
Skeeter,Eh- Excuse me?
Cartman,"Yes, we apologize, but our friend Tweek here didn't make enough of them."
Tweek,Oh! Jesus! Don't tell them it was me!
Woman,We don't care about that.
Tweek,You don't?
Stan,"You mean, you just came because you believe in our cause?"
Skeeter,Yeah. Free Hat.
Tweek,What?
Man,"Hat McCollough. He was sent to prison in '82, and we believe he should be released!"
Man 2,Yeah!
Crowd,Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Stan,"Aaaah, , okay apparently there's been a bit of a misunderstanding. This is a rally to save films from their directors?"
Man,To do what?
Kyle,We believe that films are pieces of art that must be preserved from the perverse hands of their agent filmmakers..
Skeeter,"Oh. Sorry. Um, come on, everyone, guess we're in the wrong place."
Crowd,Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Stan,"Waitwaitwaitwait!  Don't you see what's happening out there? The films you all grew up with, that touched YOUR lives and are part of YOUR soul are now being updated and changed. Join us and we CAN be a group that makes a difference!"
Skeeter,Can't we also work towards freeing Hat?
Stan,"Uh, sure, and we'll also try to free Hat."
Some people,Oh yeeaahhh!! Raaaaah!! Woohoo!!
Crowd,Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Stan,"...212, 213, 214 members!"
Tweek,"You guys! You guys! Oh God! Um, I've got terrible news!"
Kyle,What?
Tweek,Ted Koppel wants us to appear on Nightline to talk about our cause.
Stan,Really? That's great.
Kyle,Yah.
Tweek,"No it isn't, man! Thahat's waaay too much pressure!"
Stan,"If we go on Nightline, the whole country can hear about what's happening to our classic films."
Cartman,But just remember that I do all the talking.
Kyle,You?? Why?
Cartman,Because I'm the official spokesman. I got dibs on it.
Stan,When did we do dibs for it?
Cartman,Just now -  1 2 3 dibs!
Kyle,Me.
Tweek,Ga-ahah!
Kyle,"Alright, fine!  You're the spokesman, Cartman! But you'd better not screw it up!"
Cartman,What could possibly go wrong?
Ted Koppel,"A new movement is sweeping the country, led by four determined boys from South Park, Colorado. The organization was created to protect Hollywood's classic films from the hands of their directors. And also to free Hat McCollough. So boys, I ask you the question that's on everyone's minds, why does your organization want to free Hat McCollough, the convicted, confessed serial murderer of twenty-three babies?"
Cartman,"...I believe that can best be answered by our official spokesman, Tweek."
Tweek,Gaaarh!
Ted Koppel,"Well, Hat McCollough admitted he killed those toddlers? Why do you want him free?"
Tweek,"Oh, Jesus, man! ...N'ahah!"
Ted Koppel,"Just answer me this, Tweek: What do you see as ""positive"" about toddler murder?"
Tweek,Ahah. U-uh. It's easy?
Ted Koppel,"Yes... It is easy.  Alright, then on to your other cause, saving films from their directors. What got you boys interested in this, especially given your pro-toddler-murder status?"
Kyle,We believe that films have to be taken away from people like Steven Spielberg and George Lucas because they're insane.
Ted Koppel,"Well I'm glad you said that, boys, because joining us now are Steven Spielberg and George Lucas."
Tweek,Oh Christ! Wwwaaaaaaah!
Steven Spielberg,"Hello, Ted."
George Lucas,"Oh hi, Ted."
Ted Koppel,"Gentlemen, these toddler-murder fans think you're insane and shouldn't be allowed to alter your films. Your response?"
Steven Spielberg,"Well, first of all, both George and I are very firmly against the murdering of toddlers."
George Lucas,You're here.
Cartman,"Dude, that's Steven Spielberg and George Lucas."
Tweek,"Get me out of here! Please, somebody get me out of heeerre!"
Steven Spielberg,"And as for altering our films, all we're doing is trying to reach a... new audience with our movies. As the makers of dreams, we like to speak ...for the children."
Kyle,"Ah, I thought we were speaking for the children."
Cartman,"Yeah, we're children."
Stan,"Uh-look, if the Beatles went back and updated their White Album every few years, what would we have now?"
Cartman,"Yeah, these guys are only motivated by money, Ted."
Ted Koppel,How so?
Cartman,Think about it. Spielberg? Jew. Lucas? Jew. Kyle? Jew. Coincidence?
George Lucas,I'm not a Jew!
Steven Spielberg,"You little brat-! Ah, I mean, you darling children don't know what you're talking about. Changing E.T. was the best thing I ewver did."
Kyle,"Dude, don't you see that it's not? It'd be like, changing Raiders of the Lost Ark!"
Steven Spielberg,Wait a minute. What'd you say?
George Lucas,"Eh, that's brilliant!"
Steven Spielberg,Yes. Change Raiders of the Lost Ark! Why didn't we think of it before?!
Kyle,No. NOO!!
Stan,"Members, this is our darkest hour. We've just learned that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg now intend to update and change Raiders of the Lost Ark.  There's only one way we can stop this important and historical piece of art from being harmed. Mr. Secretary?"
Cartman,Thank you.  Our intelligence tells us that the original negative to Raiders of the Lost Ark is currently somewhere in George Lucas's house. We need to find and usurp that negative.
Man 3,And if we get a hold ot the negative they can't change the movie?
Stan,That is our understanding.
Woman,Sounds like a good idea to me. I don't want them to change Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Crowd,YEAH!
Skeeter,Yeah! We should go get that negative as soon as we get Hat free!
Crowd,YEAH!  Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Kyle,Nonono! We need to do this first.
Woman,But we have to free Hat.
Stan,"It's just that, you know, he killed twenty-three babies."
Man 4,"Well yeah, but it was in self-defense!"
Crowd,YEAH!
Cartman,He... killed... twenty-three babies in self-defense?
Skeeter,Hat was attacked maliciously and unprovoked by a gang of babies in West Town Park. When that many babies get together they can be like piranha.
Man 5,"Three eyewitnesses testified that if Hat hadn't killed those babies, they'd have killed him!"
Crowd,YEAH!  Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Stan,Alright alright. But right now we've gotta focus on getting those original prints of Raider
Skeeter,"He's right. We'd better split up. Some of you go with the boys and get those film prints, the rest of us come with me to go talk to the governor about freeing Hat."
Crowd,YEAH!  Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Stan,"Well, it looks like we're gonna have to do this ourselves."
Tweek,No! Not this! I'm out! I can't deal with the stress you guys create!
Kyle,We're just gonna fly to California and break into George Lucas's house. What's stressful about that?
Tweek,Hwaaah!
Cartman,"Okay, Tweek, let me tell you something: You've been our new friend now for two weeks, okay? And I've gotta be honest with you, it isn't going well."
Tweek,Haaah!
Cartman,"People aren't that into you, Tweek. They find you kind of annoying. Now, I say you've got one last shot here, and I don't want you to blow it, okay? Does that help take the stress off?"
Stan,"Okay, go."
Tweek,I'm breaking into George Lucas's house. I'm not breaking into George Lucas's house. I'm in a green field.
Cartman,"Stop, Tweek! This is not the time for faggocity!"
Kyle,This looks like the right room.
Tweek,I'm in a field... surrounded by deer.
Stan,Over here!
Kyle,That's it!
Cartman,"Alriiight! Get it, Tweek!"
Tweek,Huh uh.
Cartman,"Get it, you piece of crap, before I grab your nutsack and twist it!"
Tweek,Guh huh huh!
George Lucas,What are you doing?!
Tweek,Oh God! Oh Jesus!
George Lucas,You're the boys from that ...stupid club. Give me that!
Tweek,Aaaaaah!
Kyle,"Do with us what you will, Mr. Lucas!  But please, don't change Raiders of the Lost Ark."
George Lucas,"We're gonna make it better. The movie's gonna be changed, and that's that!"
Cartman,"Alright, you asked for it. I'm afraid you leave us no choice. It's time for Plan B."
Stan,"Aw, really?"
Tweek,"Oh God, no! Not Plan B!"
Cartman,"You have a heart made of ice, Mr. Lucas, and so we're goin' tuh melt your icy heart... with a cool island song. Gentlemen?"
George Lucas,...What??
Cartman,"Hit it, Tweek!  In the tropical isle with the coconut tree, there's a lots of-"
Stan,Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. I thought we were gonna cool his hot heart with a cool island song.
Cartman,"...No, he has an icy heart."
Kyle,"...But you can't melt ice with a cool song, 'tardheart."
Stan,"So we have to warm his icy heart with a ""hot"" island song"
Cartman,It's a cool island song.
Kyle,Well then we're gonna end up freezing his hellish heart with a cool island song.
Cartman,"Oh, do we wanna do that?"
George Lucas,"ALRIGHT, that does it!"
George Lucas,"Yes, thank you, officer.  The police are on their way, boys.  Soon you'll be in jail getting RAMMED!"
Tweek,Aaaahh!
Stan,"Those rams can do to us what they will, Mr. Lucas, but we'll never stop trying to protect films."
Kyle,"It's not too late to do what's right. Give us the print. There's still some good in you, Mr. Lucas. We know there is."
George Lucas,"It is... too late for me, boys."
Kyle,You yourself led the campaign against the colorization of films. You understand why films shouldn't be changed.
George Lucas,"M-that's different. These are my movies. I made them, and I have the right to do whatever I want with them"
Stan,"You're wrong, Mr. Lucas. They're not your movies. They're ours. All of ours. We paid to go see them, and they're just as much a part of our lives as they are of yours."
Kyle,"When an artist creates, whatever they create belongs to society"
George Lucas,Have I... become so old that I've forgetten what being an artist is about?
Stan,Give the print to us so that we can protect it from Spielberg and anyone else who wants to alter it.
George Lucas,Perhaps... you are right.
A Voice,"STOP!  What are you doing, George?!"
George Lucas,"Steven, Uh, I-"
Steven Spielberg,"Give me that print, George! We need to make the alterations!"
George Lucas,"Steven, these boys had a point. I don't remember what it was, but it was good."
Steven Spielberg,"You haven't let these doe-eyed children affect your judgment, have you, George?!  Don't forget: you belong to me."
Kyle,Don't listen to him! You still have a chance to preserve your film!
George Lucas,"I'm... ah I'm sorry, boys."
Steven Spielberg,Now take the children prisoner!
Kyle,What??
Steven Spielberg,You troublemakers shall be my guests of honor at the premiere of the NEW Raiders of the Lost Ark! Your gay little club is over!
Stan,"Fuck you, Steven Spielberg! Come on, you guys!"
Tweek,Oh my God they're gonna kill us.
Guard 1,"Don't even think about it, kid! I'm not afraid to use this walkie-talkie!"
Guard 2,"The one with the cocaine-problem escaped, mein Direktor."
Steven Spielberg,Leave him!! Let him run back to his mommy!  We must get the film ready for the premiere.  Lucas! Come!
Announcer,"Coming, this summer!  It's the digitally-enhanced re-release of the very first pilot episode of South Park!  Yes, the classic, rough, hand-made first episode is getting a make-over for 2002!  The simple, funny aliens are now super-badass and kewl!  Flying saucer? No longer cheap construction paper, but a 4.0 megapixel constructed through a masterpiece of technology! Everything's new! New is better!"
Trey Parker,"When we first made South Park, we didn't wanna use construction paper. We just had to because it was cheap."
Matt Stone,"And now with new technology we can finally remaster South Park, make it look sharp, clean and focused."
Trey Parker,Expensive.
Announcer,"Yes, all the charm of a simple little cartoon  will melt before your eyes as it is replaced by newer and more standardized animation!"
Trey Parker,"For instance, in the scene at the bus stop, we always meant to have Imperial walkers and giant dewback lizards in the background, but simply couldn't afford it."
Announcer,"Get this special enhanced version quick, because another enhanced version will likely be coming out for 2003!"
Tweek,"Members, uuhh, oh Jesus, uh, we have to do something! Our club president , treasurer , and secretary  have all been taken hostage be Steven Spielberg! Haaa!"
Man 3,"Prisoner? You mean, like Hat?"
Tweek,"Yes, just like hat!!"
Skeeter,But the governor won't pardon Hat. So how can we get him out of prison?
Tweek,"No! Listen to me! We're not talking about Hat right now, okay?! Gad!! Look, we went to George Lucas's house a-and tried to melt his icy heart with a warm island song, but then Spielberg showed up and took three of our members prisoner! They're goin' to premiere their new Raiders of the Lost Ark, and we have to rescue them! Do you understand?!"
Woman,"Hey, he's got a point there."
Man 6,Yeah... Maybe we could melt the governor's icy heart with a cool island song!
Members,Yeah.
Tweek,No!
Skeeter,No?
Man 7,No! He's right. We have to freeze his hot heart with a cool island song.
Woman,Or is ti freshen his hot temper with a cool island song?
Man 8,Let's cool his hot temper with a fresh island song.
Man 9,That's it!
Man 10,Let's go! Come on!
Tweek,Oh God. I'm gonna have to do this myself. Oh God!
Pat O'Brien,"Well, the print is finished and the day has come. Tonight, Steven Spielberg and George Lucas  will be at the premiere of the new special edition of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Lots of celebrity guests and other rich people will be on hand to witness all the updated effects and modernized technology."
Tweek,Hello!
Steven Spielberg,The kid? The tweaked out kid?!
Tweek,"I'm gonna blow up the print, Spielberg!"
Steven Spielberg,Your pesistence surprises even me.
Francis Ford Coppola,Surely you don't think you can escape from this premiere.
Tweek,That depends on how reasonable we're all willing to be. All I want are my friends.
Cartman,Wow.
Tweek,Except for Cartman - you can keep him.
Cartman,AY!
Francis Ford Coppola,And if we refuse?
Tweek,Then your premiere has no movie!
Stan,He's definitely lost it
Kyle,Yup.
Steven Spielberg,"Okay, okay. Stan- stand back, stand ba- stand back! Back!  Okay kid, you win.  Blow it up.  Zuroch!  Zuroch!  Blow it back to God.  All your life has been the pursuit of seeing a great film! This new version of Raiders has digital effects beyond your wildest dreams! You want to see it screened just as much as I."
Kyle,"Come on, Tweek! Blow it up!"
Steven Spielberg,"Son, we are simply passing through history. This... is imPROVED history.  Do as you will."
Members,"In the tropical isle with the coconut tree, the air is fresh and the people are free."
Man 5,But here in the mountain there's no freedom like that.
Skeeter,There's a man in prison and his name is Hat.
Steven Spielberg,"Hafaa malifi! Thanks for coming, everyone.  This is the birth of the NEW version of Raiders of the Lost Ark! We shall screen it here, and then destroy all the old prints in celebration!"
Audience,Hooray! All right!
Steven Spielberg,Begin the film!
Audience,Whoa.
Stan,"You guys, close your eyes. Don't look at it."
Tweek,"Ah, what?!"
Stan,"Don't watch the movie, you guys. It'll be terrible. Close your eyes!"
Audience,Whoa. Ahhh.
Steven Spielberg,It's beyooootiful.
Viewer 1,Wait a minute. This version is awful!
Viewer 2,Yeah! They ruined it!
Viewer 3,"Oh my God, it's terrible!"
George Lucas,AaaaAAAAA!!
Stan,"Yuh, you guys okay."
Kyle,Yeah. I I think so.
Cartman,"Man, that new version must have sucked balls."
Aide,"Today is a day of celebration, and we owe it all to these four brave young boys."
Townsman,Yeah! Alright!
Aide,"And thanks to the bravery of this young man in particular,  ...Hat McCollough is finally free from prison!"
Townsfolk,Yeah! Woohoohoo!
Kyle,...What?
Townsfolk,Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat!
Hat McCollough,"Thank you everyone-KILL! KILL THE INNOCENT!! Uh, I'm so thankful for all your support-RAPE THE VIRGINS!! And uh, I just wonder if i could get a baby real quick?"
Skeeter,Sure. Give that man a baby!
Townsfolk,Yeah! Woohoohoo!
Stan,"Come on, you guys. Let's get out of here."
Tweek,Oh my God!
Kyle,"Do you think we did a good thing, Stan?  I mean, no one even seemed to notice."
Stan,"Yeah well, sometimes the things we do don't matter right now. Sometimes they matter... later. We have to care more about later sometimes, you know? I think that's what separates us from the Steven Spielbergs and George Lucases of the world."
Cartman,That and youth. Those guys are old.
Tweek,But what about the original prints of Raiders of the Lost Ark? What if somebody else takes them and tries to change them?
Stan,"Don't worry, Tweek. It's somewhere safe. Somewhere where... nobody will ever find it."
Liane,"Oh, hello boys."
Stan,"Hi. Uh, the school called and said we all have to start going to class again."
Liane,"Oh, but I thought your teacher died."
Kyle,"She did, but now they're saying we have to start going back to school anyways. It's totally gay."
Liane,"Oh. Well, I'll tell Eric. He's just down in the basement playing with his dolls."
Tweek,Cartman likes to play with dolls?
Cartman,"Hello, Precious. Yes, that's a good Precious.  Now it takes the lotion from the basket."
Polly Prissy Pants,"Oh please, mister. Please let me out of here."
Cartman,It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
Poodle,Bark bark bark bark!
Cartman,"Yes, that's a good Precious. Okay, now it puts the lotion back in the basket."
Polly Prissy Pants,"Please, mister, let me out."
Cartman,It puts the lotion back in the basket!
Polly Prissy Pants,"I miss my Mom, mister. I wanna see my Mommy-"
Cartman,Put the lotion in the fuckin' basket!
Liane,Sweetie.
Cartman,Yes Mom?
Liane,You have to get ready for school
Cartman,"...No, our teacher's dead. Remember?"
Liane,"Yes, but they said two weeks off was enough, and they want everyone back."
Cartman,Two weeks isn't enough. I'm not over our teacher's tragic death. I'm still sh-shooken up.
Liane,"You'll get over it, honey."
Cartman,But I wanna plaaayyy.
Wendy,I can't believe it's been two weeks since I've seen you guys. What have you been doing?
Bebe,Hey guys.
Wendy,Hey Bebe.
Bebe,"You guys uh,  notice anything different?"
Wendy,"Oh my God, Bebe. You got boobs."
Bebe,"Yeah, they started coming in last week. At first I thought they were just mosquito bites, but, then they didn't go away."
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay kids, let's take our seats, m'kay?  I know this has been a difficult couple o'weeks for you all with the untimely death of your teacher, but it's time for us to try to move on and learn, m'kay?"
Cartman,"Mr. Mackey, I don't think I'm over the teacher's tragic death yet. I need more time. It's just... it still hurts, you know? Can I go home?"
Mr. Mackey,"No. Eric, what we're gonna do is learn to hide our emotions with math problems.  M'kay, so let's start with some multiplication tables over here, m'kay. First we'll do uh, four time four, m'kay?"
Kyle,"Dude, look at Bebe.  Something seems different about her."
Stan,"Yeah, I noticed that too. Did she get a haircut or something?"
Kyle,I don't know.
Clyde,"Hey Token. You know, I never noticed before, but that girl Bebe is... kinda cool."
Token,"I was just thinking the same thing. It's like, she's a girl, but, she's someone you could hang out with."
Butters,"Yeah. Bebe is kinda cool, huh?"
Cartman,"Hey Craig, is that the same shirt that that Bebe chick always wears?"
Craig,I don't know. Why?
Cartman,It just... it just seems like a really awesome shirt.
Craig,Yeah. It kinda does.
Mr. Mackey,"Okay, and so uh,  so who can tell me the answer to the first problem, six times eight? Uh, Bebe?"
Bebe,"Oh, uh, forty-eight?"
All the boys,Whoa.
Clyde,That is an awesome answer!
All the boys,Yeah!
Kyle,Dude! Bebe is really smart!
Stan,Yeah. I never noticed that before. Maybe she's actually cool enough to hang out with us.
Cartman,"Yeah, may be."
Wendy,"...And I was like, ""I'm not buying those shoes for twenty dollars."""
Stan,"Ah, hey, Bebe."
Bebe,Yeah?
Stan,"Uh, we're gonna throw rocks at cars later on, and we thought maybe you'd like to join us."
Bebe,Really?  I've never done that before.
Butters,"Wuuhh, it's really fun.You toss these little rocks at cars, and if the driver gets angry, you blame me."
Kyle,"Yeah, it's cool."
Bebe,"Why sure, that sounds hellafun."
The boys,Hahahahahaha...
Kyle,Yeah.
Stan,Hellafun
Cartman,"Right, heh."
Clyde,"Wow, hellafun. That's awesome."
Token,I'm gonna start saying that now.
Stan,"Cool.  We'll see you later, Bebe."
Wendy,"Stan, you've never asked me to throw rocks at cars with you guys."
Stan,"That's different, dude. You're like, my girlfriend. Bebe's just... I don't know. She's just cool."
Kyle,Yeah. She's really cool.
Clyde,It's weird how we never noticed before.
Stan,"So what you do, see, is wait for a car to drive by that big pine tree. Then you chuck a rock at it. It's all about the timing."
Driver,You damn kids!
Bebe,Cool.
Clyde,"You try it, Bebe."
Bebe,Okay.
Token,Here comes a sedan.
Driver,You damn kids!
The boys,Awesome!
Butters,Cool!  That was the most perfect throw I've ever seen.
Kyle,"That was sweet, Bebe.  Now, if you just hold the rock like this, you-"
Clyde,"Yeah.  Here, it's like if you put your thumb on this side-"
Kyle,I'm showing her.
Clyde,"Yeah, just let me show her real quick how to put the thumb and-"
Kyle,Hoh!
Clyde,Hoh hoh hoh!
Kyle,"Hoh!  Anyways, you put a spin on it by holding it here and-"
Stan,"Yeah, and then you can actually hold it like this. Now-"
Kyle,Hoh! Hoh hoh hoh hoh!
Stan,Hoh hoh hoh!
Kyle,Hah hah hah!
Craig,Urh urh urh!
Bebe,"Uh. Listen guys, uh, It's five-thirty. I'm supposed to get home, so... I'll see you later."
Stan,"...Wait, what were we doing again?"
Kyle,We were throwing rocks at cars.
The boys,Oh yeah.
Cartman,Woohoo.
Butters,Uh here comes an SUV.
Jimbo,You damn kids!
The boys,"Hi, Bebe."
Bebe,Hey everybody.
Wendy,"Oh, for Christ's sake!"
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay. Kids, I asked you to write a paper to read aloud for the class. Now, who want to start?  M'kay, class."
Clyde,"My paper is called, ""Why Bebe is the coolest person, ever."""
Stan,"Hey, that's what I wrote about!"
Butters,Me too!
Clyde,Hoh!
Stan,"Hah hah, hah!  Uuuuh-okay. Go ahead, Clyde."
Clyde,"""My friend Bebe is really smart. She tells funny jokes and knows a lot about stuff. She's good at almost everything she tries. She's awesome. The end."""
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, very nice, Clyde. Uh, Token, why don't you read your paper?"
Token,"""If I could be Bebe.""  ""If I was Bebe I would have lots of friends because I would be sooo great. I would make people smile and think wherever I went."""
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, interesting, Token, Uh... Who would like to go next?  Uh how about someone who didn't write about how cool Bebe is?"
The boys,Oh.
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, Bebe?"
Bebe,"""My cat Thumper."""
The boys,Wwooww.
Bebe,"""Thumper is gray with a white spot. Sometimes he likes to chase his tail."
Clyde,Chase his tail? That must be so funny?
Bebe,"""Thumper is twelve years old. That's pretty old for a cat. The end."""
The boys,Wwooww!
Cartman,"God, you know what, that's so true? Because, you sometimes never really think about how old a pet is until it's gone."
Craig,"That's true, huh? Man, that makes me really reflect on my pet."
Stan,That's such a great paper!
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay. Wendy, why don't we hear your paper?"
Wendy,"""The new Cold War"""
Cartman,Oh God! Here we go again! Dork alert!
Wendy,"But, then the mall closes at four or five o'clock, so who knows w-"
Clyde,Have any of you dumb girls seen Bebe anywhere?
Wendy,No!
Kyle,Maybe she's in the lunch line.
The boys,Yeah.
Wendy,Can you believe Bebe? She thinks she's so cool all of a sudden.
Millie,I can't stand her anymore! She's such a slut!
Esther,She's a total slut!
Red,You know what I heard? I heard that she made out with eight different boys in one minute.
Millie,I heard that she lifted her shirt to the boys at the bus stop.
Wendy,I heard that her asshole is this big around.
Bebe,Hey guys.
Wendy,"Oh, hey Bebe.  Slut.  Slut."
Millie,Slut.
Esther,Slut.
Millie,Slut.
Bebe,...You guys still wanna go ice-skating after school?
Wendy,"Oh, no, that's okay Bebe. You might trip and then we'd be sucked into your huge gaping vagina like ants into a vacuum cleaner.  Slut.  Slut."
Millie,Slut.
Esther,Slut.
Red,Slut.
Wendy,Slut.
Millie,Slut.
Girls,Whore. Slut. Slut.
Bebe's Mom,"Bebe, is something the matter?"
Bebe,"Oh Mom, it's just... My girlfriends at school said some really mean things to me today.  They called me a slut, with a huge gaping vagina."
Bebe's Mom,"Oh, sweetie. You're all just growing up.  Part of being a woman is having a friend one day and calling her a slut the next."
Bebe,"But am I slutty just because I'm beginning to be friends with guys? I mean, they just like me because they think I'm smart and cool."
Bebe,"I remember when I was a little girl the boys didn't think I was very smart at all. But then one day, they all started thinking I was really smart. I guess big smarts just run in our family."
Bebe,"Well if the girls don't wanna be my friend, that's fine!  Guys are way cooler, anyways."
Tweek,You... guys wanted me to meet you here?
Cartman,"Yeah, have a seat, Tweek. We all need to have a talk"
Tweek,Oh God.
Cartman,"Alright guys, now that we're all here, I think... we need to have a difficult conversation. It's obvious that Bebe is the like the coolest, smartest, most awesome person we've ever met."
"Stan, Kyle",True.
Stan,Yeah.
Kyle,Yep.
Cartman,"And, you know, we've been trying to fill the gap for the fourth friend ever since Kenny died, God rest his soul, and it hasn't been an easy process."
Kyle,Right.
Stan,Uh huh.
Cartman,"And so, even though I think it's a tough thing to do right now, I think maybe it's best for everyone if we make room to allow Bebe to be our new fourth friend."
Kyle,Yeah.
Stan,That would be best.
Cartman,"Well, I'm glad you guys all agree. And so, Kyle, I just wanna say that it's been really great, and we're gonna miss you."
Kyle,Huh??
Stan,Kyle??
Cartman,"And even though it didn't quite work out, I'm sure you'll find other friends down the road, Kyle. Here's a nice watch for you, and some peanuts."
Kyle,"Me?? Dude, I've been here since the beginning!"
Cartman,"And we're really sad to see you go. Let's give a big round of applause for Kyle, everybody. Hip hip."
Stan,"Dude, we're not kicking Kyle out!"
Cartman,Pleeeeease???
Stan,No!
Cartman,"Alright, fine! Well then, I guess we have no choice but to let you go, Tweek. But we want you to know that its been really fun. Here's a watch, and some peanuts."
Kyle,No way! Tweek's cool!
Stan,Yeah!
Cartman,"Well dumbasses, how are we gonna make room for Bebe!?"
Bebe,Thanks for inviting me to ride the bus to school with you guys.
Stan,"Sure thing, Bebe."
Cartman,"That's fine! That's fine!! Fuck you, Kyle, and fuck you, Stan!  Fuck you, Tweek!  Bebe, you're still cool."
Wendy,What are you doing?!
Clyde,We're tryin' to get Bebe to run for class president.
Wendy,I'm class president! The vote was last fall!
Craig,"Well, yeah, but Wendy, you have to admit, Bebe's a lot smarter and more organized than you."
Token,Yeah. We need a leader like Bebe. She can teach us all so much.
The Other Boys,Uh huh.
Wendy,"She's not smarter and cooler than everyone, you guys are just drawn to something else!"
Clyde,What?
Wendy,"Ugh! God, you guys are sooo stupid!"
Butters,Stupider than Bebe!
Clyde,Yeah!
Craig,Yeah!
Butters,"Huh Bebe's cool, huh. Huh, fellas?"
Clyde,Yeah!
Butters,Yeah!
Craig,Sure is!
Butters,Uhyep.
Kyle,I can't wait to watch Terrance & Phillip with Bebe.
Stan,Yeah.  Where are you guys going?
Bradley,We're going to see our friend Bebe.
Stan,Bebe is our friend. Didn't you all get the memo?
Francis,Bebe is everybody's friend.
Kevin,Yeah. God put Bebe on earth to enrich everyone's lives.
Stan,Hoh!
Kyle,Hoh hoh hoh!
Kevin,Arf arf!
Francis,Arf!
Timmy,Arf! Ah Timmah! Timmah-ar-argh!
Stan,"Aw alright, I guess we can all watch Terrance & Phillip together."
Bebe's Mom,"Oh, hello, boys."
Stan,Is Bebe home?
Bebe's Mom,"No, she's with one of her little friends. But she should be back shortly if you boys wanna wait."
Bradley,Who is she with?
Bebe's Mom,"I believe she is playing ""Lambs"" over at Eric Cartman's house."
Stan,Cartman's?
Cartman,And this is Precious.
Bebe,Precious?
Cartman,"Bark bark bark.  Okay, so then we put my mom's hand lotion in this little basket  and lower it down to Polly Prissy Pants."
Bebe,Uh huh.
Cartman,"Now you say, ""It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again."""
Bebe,It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
Cartman,"Heheh, yeah."
Polly Prissy Pants,"Mister, please let me out of here."
Cartman,"Now say it again, louder."
Bebe,It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
Cartman,"Good. Now, now put the lotion back in the basket!"
Polly Prissy Pants,"My parents have money, Mister. They'll give you whatever you want. Please!"
Cartman,"Now, just yell ""Put the lotion in the fucking basket!"""
Bebe,Put the lotion in the basket!
Cartman,"Put the lotion in the fucking basket!  Oh no! Precious!  I've got your dog, Mister. Let me out or I'm gonna kill it!  Now you say, ""Don't you hurt my fuckin' dog!"""
Bebe,Don't you hurt my fucking dog!
Cartman,"You bitch, I'll cut your throat if-"
Kyle,What the hell are you doing?
Cartman,"We're playing ""Lambs."""
Kyle,"Bebe, I thought we were going to watch Terrance & Phillip today."
Butters,Then we gotta work on your campaign.
Francis,"Right, but first we gotta go to the-"
Stan,Hoh!
Bebe,"You guys, calm down!"
Timmy,Timmih!
Bebe,This is insane!
Bebe,"Stop it you guys, please!"
Bebe,"Oh boy, I never meant to cause all this trouble."
Stan,"Hoh, hoh, hohhh! Hohhh!"
Bebe's Mom,"Bebe, those boys from your school are still waiting outside to see if you'll come out."
Bebe,I know. They've been there all day.
Stan,"Hoh, hoh hoh hoh!"
Craig,Hah hah hahah hah!
Stan,Hoh hoh hoh!  Hohohoh hoh!
Bebe's Mom,Looks like my little girl has a lot of gentlemen callers.
Bebe,"Mom, why is everyone acting so different around me?"
Bebe's Mom,"Sweetie, you're just blossoming into a woman."
Bebe,"But, I, I don't know if I want to. Sometimes I think I'm not as smart and cool as they say, that everyone just tells me I am because of my hooters."
Bebe's Mom,"Sweetie, you're a Stevens. And Stevens women are always told they're really, really smart."
Bebe,Mom?  What's six times eight?
Mrs. Stevens,"Oho, sweetie, those are two completely different numbers.  Alright boys, time to be getting home. Bebe's not feeling well and she can't come out today. Go one, shoo."
Stan,Hoh. Hoh?
Astronaut 1,Aah. We made it.
Astronaut 2,"Boys, can you call 9-1-1 for us?"
Astronaut 1,Oh my God. We've landed on Earth thousands of years in the future and apes have taken over!
Astronaut 2,"I knew it! You blew it up, didn't you?!"
Astronaut 1,I don't want to live in this futuristic madness!
Astronaut 2,Take your ape rule and go to hell!
Bebe,Having boobs sucks.
A Doctor,"Well hello there, little girl. My name is Dr. Hallis. What can I do for you today?"
Bebe,I wanna have breast-reduction surgery.
Dr. Hallis,You?
Bebe,Yes. I have two hundred and twelve dollars in nickels and a gold bracelet.
Dr. Hallis,"Well, young lady, I'm afraid that we don't offer breast reduction surgery to girls of your age."
Bebe,Why not? Britney Spears got fake ones when she was a teenager. Why can't I have mine taken off?
Dr. Hallis,Because making breasts larger is a beautiful and wonderful thing. Making them smaller is... insane.
Bebe,I think it's insane to want them bigger.
Dr. Hallis,Why do you... hate your breasts so?
Bebe,Ever since I got these stupid things everyone treats me differently. I feel like I might be treated differently the rest of my life.
Dr. Hallis,"Oh, come on now, that's just silly."
Blonde Nurse,"Here's the Anderson file, Doctor."
Dr. Hallis,"Oh, awesome. Thank you so much, Jillian. That's great. Oh, God-damn. Thanks you so much."
Brunette Nurse,"And here's the coffee you wanted, doctor."
Dr. Hallis,"Yeah, whatever. Get out of here.  Now, I was saying?"
Bebe,"Please, you have to help me. I think that if my breasts keep growing this way, boys will give me whatever I want."
Dr. Hallis,"Yeah, so? That's great, isn't it?"
Bebe,"No it's not, because if I grow up getting everything I want, having things made easy for me because I have hot knockers, then I'm gonna grow up to be a lame person. If I'm handed everything in life, then my chances of becoming a lawyer or a marine biologist are zero."
Dr. Hallis,"That may be true, but I'm afraid I just cannot ethically perform a breast-reduction surgery on an eight-year-old girl."
Bebe,Damnit!
Dr. Hallis,"If, on the other hand, you'd like to make them a little bigger, I think now might be the right time to size up, hm?"
Bebe,"Oh, fuck off!"
Sharon,"Randy, could you have a talk with Stanley?"
Randy,Why? What's the matter with him?
Sharon,"It's just that, well, he's been acting a little different lately."
Stan,Aaaa-ta.  Aaaa-ta.
Sharon,"He's been ignoring his homework, and, all of his friends. I can't figure out why."
Stan,Aaaa-ta. Aaaa-ta.
Randy,Ohhh boy. Looks like he's starting to notice breasts.
Sharon,Oh yes. Our little Stanley is starting to become a man.
Stan,"Ahta. Ah, ahta!"
Randy,"Hey there, son."
Stan,Hoh? Ahta.  Ahta.
Randy,"Yes, ahta. Let's have a talk, Stan."
Stan,Ahah
Randy,"Stan, as you get older, boobs - bu-these ""ahta"" will start becoming a major part of your life."
Stan,Ahta?
Randy,"But Stanley, you can't let them get in the way of your friends. There are a lot of boobs out there, son. But they're just boobs; your friends... are forever."
Stan,Friend. Ahta.
Randy,"I know you think this set of boobs is important now, but those boobs will be replaced by another set of boobs. Boobs will come and go, and then, someday,  you'll meet a pair of boobs that you want to marry. And those become the boobs that matter the most."
Sharon,I love you.
Randy,"If you can just understand that, Stanley, you'll see that boobs hold no real power at all."
Right Breast,The boys are at war. All is going as planned.
Left Breast,Yes. Soon all the boys will be brought to their knees.
Right Breast,We grow larger every day.
Left Breast,And stronger.
Right Breast,Soon the entire tow-
Left Breast,Sh! Sh! She's awake!
Right Breast,"Ah, quiet."
Bebe,MOM!! MOM!!
Mrs. Stevens,"What is it, Bebe?"
Bebe,My breasts!
Mrs. Stevens,"Oh, sweetheart, you're just becoming a young lady."
Bebe,"No, they're conspiring! Mom, they were talking! They wanna destroy the town!"
Mrs. Stevens,"Yes, darling, your breasts have a power that will unleash itself as you get older. They feed off the misery of boys and grow to bring woe wherever they can. You're blossoming into a woman."
Bebe,That does it! I'm NOT letting these things run my life!
Dr. Hallis,"Young lady, are you absolutely sure you want to consider this kind of procedure for your breasts?"
Wendy,Yes! I want to get breast implants!
Mrs. Testaburger,I tried to tell her she was too young.
Dr. Hallis,"Well, it is a different time, Mrs. Testaburger. Society puts a lot of pressure on your daughter to look her best. Having small breasts can make her feel unimportant."
Mrs. Testaburger,But she's eight!
Dr. Hallis,"Yes, well, not too young to feel flat and therefore, not pretty."
Wendy,That's what I said.
Dr. Hallis,"However, young lady, I'm afraid breast implants are not for everyone.  I'll need to carefully assess your physical and mental condition to see if augmentation is truly the best way for you to go."
Wendy,"I have three thousand dollars, cash."
Dr. Hallis,You pass. Let's do this thing.
Mrs. Testaburger,"Oh, wait. You're gonna do it right now?"
Dr. Hallis,Suuure. Breast augmentation is now a very simple procedure.  What we do is make a small incision in the armpit where it won't be seen. Then we take this little plastic bag and gently place it in the chest where we fill it with salt water.
Mrs. Testaburger,I still don't know about this.
Dr. Hallis,"Look. Us plastic surgeons have one philosophy. If we can help someone's self-esteem a little, then why not do it if they have three thousand dollars?"
Dr. Hallis,"Cha!  Gotta!  Jam it!  Up there!  Get!  In!  There!  You!  Bitch!  Get!  In!  There!  You!  Bitch!  Hah!  Okay, there's one, Wendy. Doing great."
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay. Kids, we need to talk about your failing grades."
Clyde,Bebe! Where Bebe?! Bebe! Bebe!
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, we all need to start studying more and fighting less, m'kay?"
Bradley,Bebe!
Stan,Ahta!
Bebe,Hey guys.
Craig,Have you guys noticed that Bebe isn't as cool as she used to be?
Token,Yeah. What the hell happened to us?
Stan,Oh my God. I get it now. It was Bebe's boobs.
Cartman,Bebe's boobs?
Bebe,Oh cool! It worked!
Stan,Don't you guys see? Boobs... do something to our brains. They fill our brains with illusions.
Kyle,Sssss-so ...Bebe ...didn't become smart and cool? It was just her boobs?
Bebe,Yes!
Cartman,"So, Bebe is actually just as lame as she ever was?"
Bebe,Right. My boobs just clouded your judgment.
Kyle,But that sucks. I don't want something to have that much power over me.
Stan,"I don't think it will, you guys, as long as we realize it. We must learn to control their power over us."
Clyde,Yeah. Screw boobs! They're stupid!
Craig,"I'm sorry for fighting, you guys."
Mr. Mackey,"Aw, that's so sweet, m'kay?"
Clyde,Let's never let boobs come between us again!
The Boys,Hear Hear!
Kyle,Boobs are stupid!
Wendy,"Hi, everybody."
Clyde,Look at those ridiculous things!
Butters,"Oooo, they're all hard and oogey!"
Cartman,What a stupid bitch!
News Anchor,"And in other news, another school shooting has taken place, this time in Idaho. As these kinds of shooting increase, one thing becomes clear: Your children are not safe at school."
Tweek,Oh God!  Change it! Change it!
News Anchor,"This was the second time a terrorist threat has been made on a theme park, leaving everyone to realize that children are not safe outside."
Tweek,"Agh! God, change it!!"
News Anchor,And it seems there's a new danger to look out for: children who are taken by strangers. The bottom line: children are not safe... in their own homes!
Tweek,Aaaah!!
Tweek's Mom,Tweek.
Tweek,Gahahghah
Tweek's Mom,"Tweak? Come to the kitchen, sweetie. We need to see you real quick."
Tweek,Oh God. They're gonna get me.
Richard,"Sit down and have some coffee, son.  Tweek, there's starting to be a lot of reports in the news about kids being abducted, and we thought we should talk."
Tweek,I s-I saw! Uuuh!
Tweek's Mom,"You know never to talk to strangers, right Tweek? You can't trust anybody."
Tweek,Oh God! Huh!
Richard,"Now, we don't want to alarm you, son, but we've installed new locks on your bedroom windows and door. Important for you to know never to unlock them at night for anyone except your mother and I."
Tweek,Oh Jesus! Huh!
Tweek's Mom,"It's just a precaution, sweetie. Probably nothing will ever happen."
Tweek,"No, ...NO! They're gonna get me!  GAAAH! Huh, huh, huh-oh, oh God.  Uh, just a dream.  OH MY GOD!!  GAAAH!!"
Voice,"Tweek! This is Officer Daniels! Now, try and stay calm, but we believe an abductor is in your room!"
Tweek,...Inside my room? Oh God!
Voice,"Give it up, buddy! We've got ya surrounded! Okay, Tweek, I want you to very calmly but quickly walk to the door and come out to us!"
Tweek,"Oh my God!  Oh! Oh! Jesus, see me through this.  AAAHH!"
Voice,"Bang!  You're dead, Tweek."
Tweek,What?
Richard,"You failed the test, son. Didn't I tell you not to open the door for anybody except your mother and I?"
Tweek,Oh God! Oh Jesus!
Tweek's Mom,"What if that had been a child abductor pretending to be a police officer, Tweek?"
Richard,"He would have sprayed your brains all over the floor and then taken your body off to the woods.  You've got to be on your toes, Tweek. Alright, now go to bed and get some rest."
Tweek's Mom,"'Night, pumpkin."
Stan,I hope this movie doesn't suck ass.
Kyle,It will.
Cartman,One please.
Tweek,"Wait, that's not the usual ticket-taker guy!"
Kyle,So?
Tweek,So? I don't know him!
Cartman,"Dude, relax."
Tweek,You relax! What if he wants to kill me?! AAAAAAAA!!
Cartman,"Gah, what the hell do his parents do to him?"
Driver,"'Scuse me, is this the right road to Breckenridge."
Tweek,AAH! Uh...
Driver,"Please, I just need to know if this is ""South Park""?"
Tweek,Get away from meee!
Elderly Lady,Could you help me across the street?
Tweek,"I don't know you!  Ah, AAAH!"
Man in Wheelchair,"Oh, hey, kid!  Oh, thank God you happened by. My- my chair ran out of juice right on these train tracks. If you hadn't had shown up, well... Well, anyway, could you give me a push?"
Tweek,Huh uh!
Man in Wheelchair,"No, no, you don't understand. I'm, I'm paralyzed from the neck down. I push the chair with this device in front of my mouth, but it's it's not working, so you see-"
Tweek,I'm not supposed to talk to you!
Man in Wheelchair,"Please, this, this isn't funny, kid. You have to help me."
Tweek,But it could be a trick!  Ugh. That's a pretty good trick.
Tweek,AaaaAAAHH!
Man,"Relax, Tweek. I am not here to hurt you. I am the Ghost of Human Kindness."
Tweek,The Ghost of Human Kindness?
The Ghost of Human Kindness,You have never seen the likes of me before.
Tweek,What do you want?
The Ghost of Human Kindness,"You have lost faith in humanity, lad. Something I cannot bear to see happen."
Tweek,"Huh-uh, how can I help it? It seems that everywhere I turn, someone is out to get me."
The Ghost of Human Kindness,"That is the world of the news reports. It is the world that adults preoccupy themselves with, but it is not the world as it is."
Tweek,It isn't?
The Ghost of Human Kindness,"Look here, Tweek. This woman is on her way to the retirement home.  She doesn't get paid; she volunteers her time to talk with lonely elderly people who want nothing more than a friend.  But do you hear about her on the news? No."
The Ghost of Human Kindness,"Now gaze upon this humble house, Tweek. Inside there are two people who have adopted needy children.  They were strangers to those kids once. Now they are loving parents"
The Ghost of Human Kindness,"Now, look here, boy.  A car has broken down with a flat tire, and two complete strangers have stopped to help.  Will their kindness be reported on the news tomorrow? I think not."
The Ghost of Human Kindness,"Are you starting to understand, boy?"
Tweek,"I think so. You mean that, even though all the news is about murderers and abductors, those kind of people... only make up a very small part of the world."
The Ghost of Human Kindness,"That's right, lad. So do you think you can learn to trust people now?"
Tweek,I'll... try.
The Ghost of Human Kindness,"Good. Then why don't you get into the back of my van, and I'll drive you home."
Tweek,Your van?
Officer 1,"Alright Johnson, give it up!"
The Ghost of Human Kindness,"Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!  Oh, I was so close!"
Tweek,What the hell is going on?
Tweek's Mom,"Tweek, Tweek, are you okay?"
Richard,"Did he hurt you, son?"
Tweek,No
Detective,Then we aren't too late. His name is Frederick Johnson. He's been abducting children by dressing up like the Ghost of Human Kindness for over a year now.
The Ghost of Human Kindness,And I would have gotten away with it again if it weren't for you meddling policemen!
Liane,What's going on?
Sharon,A stranger was caught trying to abduct the Tweak boy.
Sheila,An abductor in our town?
Tom,"Oh my God, what are we gonna do?"
Townsfolk,Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble...
Mayor McDaniels,"People, people, calm down."
Randy,"Well what are we gonna do, Mayor?! We have to stop these abductors from being able to get into our town!"
Townsfolk,Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble...
Mayor McDaniels,"Yes, but standing out here yelling ""Rabble rabble rabble"" isn't going to help anything."
Jimbo,"Well we don't know what else to do, Mayor!"
Townsfolk,Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble.
Mayor McDaniels,"People, what do you think we need to do?"
Gerald,"Uh, well, we need to find a way to close our town off from unwanted strangers!"
Sheila,"Yes, we need a barrier to protect our kids."
Townsfolk,Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble...
Randy,"Wait, that's it. A wall. We could build a huge city wall all around South Park so that we have complete control over who comes in."
Richard,"That's... not a bad idea, a city wall."
Sheila,But who can we get to build it?
Mayor McDaniels,"...And so, we want you to design and build a great wall, all around the city."
City Wok Owner,I don' build wall. I just own un' operate City Wok.
Gerald,We just think that you're the best person to put up a wall. We're sure you've got it in your blood.
City Wok Owner,"Oh, I get it. Just because I Chinese, you think I build wall. That i' bullshit! I'm not stereotype, okay?! Just because I'm Chinese doesn't mean I go around building wall! I'm just a normal person like all o'you! I eat ahrice and drive ahreally slow, just like the rest o'you! I'm not stereotype!"
Sharon,"Please, Mr. Tuong Lu Kim."
Randy,Your ancestors put up a great wall that kept Mongolians out for thousands of years. We know you can do it for us.
Tuong,"Hey. Hey hey!  Hey, what the hell you doing?!  Mongorians? What the hell Mongorians doing here?  Ey, fuck you, Mongorians! Tryin' break down my wall!  Get out of here, fuckin' Mongorians!  God-damnit, how come every time us Chinese put up a wall, stupid Mongorians have to come and knock it down?"
Randy,"Stan, our abduction problems are over. We got the new Child Tracker."
Stan,Child Tracker?
Sharon,It's a little electrical device that can tell us where you are anywhere on Earth.
Randy,"If anybody takes you, we'll be able to locate your exact location within two meters."
Randy,"There, I think that's got it."
Stan,"...Dude, no way! I'm not wearing Child Tracker!"
Randy,You can barely even tell you have one on.
Stan,I'm not going to school like this! What will all the other guys say?!
Sharon,I wouldn't worry about that.
Cartman,"So weak. So weak, dude. Man."
Kyle,"Why did you go and have to be abducted, Tweek? Now all our parents are freaking out!"
Tweek,I didn't mean to.
Tuong,"Okay. Finary.  Oh no.  It's those God-damned Mongorians again! Stop! Stop right there, Mongorians!  God-damnit, stop!  Stop breaking down my city wall you stupid Mongoriaaans!  Ay, you sons of bitches, you-  What the hell?  Oh, shit!  OH, GOD-DAMNED MONGORIANS!!  I'm gonna get you, fuckin' Mongorians! Don't break down my city wall!  Oh, God-damnit!  That's the last time you're gonna break down my city wall! You hear me, Mongorians?!  God-damned Mongorians."
Richard,"Alright, Cows, We're gonna go out there and we're gonna give 'em hell!"
Kyle,"But, wait. Where's the other team?"
Randy,There is no other team.
Stan,Huh?
Richard,"Well, we've... put a wall around the city to keep outsiders out. You don't think we want a bunch of strangers coming in to play ball, do you?"
Stan,"But if there is no other team, then it won't be any fun."
Randy,"Don't worry, it'll still be fun for us."
Townsfolk,Go Cows! Go Cows! Go Cows! Go Cows!
Jimbo,Play ball!  Steeeeee-riiike
Townsfolk,Yeah! Woohoo! Yeah!
Jimbo,South Park Cows do it again!
Sharon,"Congratulations on your victory, boys."
Kyle,"Dude, we weren't playing anybody."
Randy,"Yeah, and you kicked ass!"
Mr. Donovan,Isn't it awesome havin' a great wall around our city? Nobody in town except for our good friends.
Townsfolk,Yeahah! Alright! Yeah. Right on! Right on!
Richard,"Guys! Sh, quiet everyone."
News Anchor,"And this newest study reveals more about child abductions than we apparently knew before, Tom."
Sharon,Turn it up.
Tom,"That's right, Chris. This newest study shows that the majority of child abductions are NOT committed by strangers, but by somebody the child knows in their own town.  The report further states that it is because the child trusts the individual that problems occur in the first place."
Chris,"Well, I guess this means the enemy is in our own backyard, so to speak."
Tom,"Sure does, Tom."
Chris,"Alright, thanks, Chris. Is the weather going to turn su-"
Richard,"Well, if you'll all excuse us, I think we'll be going now."
Gerald,"Yeah. Come along, Kyle"
Sharon,"Stanley, time for us to get back to the house."
Stan,I'm not done with my pizza.
Sharon,"NOW, Stanley!"
Tuong,"Eh. Eh, eh, there we go.  All finished. My Mongolian Missile Defense system.  Those Mongolians try to break down my city wall again, they gonna get a big heat-seeking missile surprise!  Oh! Hello Mongolians. Yeah. You come to break down my city wall?  Oh, you gonna throw that baseball at my wall?  Oh no! Not a baseball! I'm pretty scared.  Well, you know what? I might have something here that's a little bigger than a baseball.  Say hello to my little friend!  Aw, crap.  Ooohhhh  God-damned Mongolians!! You break down my city wall foda last time!!"
Stan,"Dude, this is worse than Child Tracker."
Richard,"'Sokay, boys. Just act as if we weren't here."
Sharon,Right. Do what you normally would do.
Kyle,"You're such a fatass, Cartman."
Cartman,At least I'm not a stupid Jew.
Sheila,What what whaaat?
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, kids, so, now, who can tell me what year the first moon landing took place?  Uh, how about you, Clyde?"
Mr. Donovan,Nineteen six-
Mr. Mackey,"No helping!  M'kay, I'm not really sure havin' all the parents here is a good idea, m'kay?"
Richard,"Well, maybe things could be better if we could trust people like the Stotches!"
Chris,Us? Your family's all be the shifty-eyed ones!
Richard,Oh yeah?!
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, this is too much to take.  Mom, Dad, could you please leave me alone?"
Mr. Mackey's Father,"We just wanna make sure nobody hurts you, Junior, m'kay?"
Mr. Mackey,M'kay.
Tuong,"Hahahaha! My masterpiece!  When those Mongolians come next time, I pour this sweet and sour pork on their heads. Haha, sweet and sour pork so hot and sticky, Mongolians'll stick ahright up to the wall! And scream ""UhwOoOoOoOoo!"" Oh I can't wait.  Oh, I get it. A Trojan Mongolian horse. Mongolians a-hiding inside thinking that I'll bring it in city wall, then Mongolians pop out and destroy wall from the inside out without gettin' any sweet and sour pork on their heads! Okay. I'll pray around.  Oh! Oh rook! Rook, my very own Mongorian Trojan horse! Gee, what a surprise! I guess Mongorians aren't such crappy, smelly people after all!  Yeah. Great! Rwow!  Yeah, what a great present! I'm just gonna push it inside the gate and soon tell all my friends.  Oh, it's sweet and sour pork!  Oh! I'm going to get you Nogodians, if it's the last thing I do!"
News Anchor,"And so all the residents of Manhattan are prepared to evacuate if Ms. Clinton's ass gets any bigger. And in other news, new findings on the increase in child abductions."
Richard,"Oh Jesus, turn it up, honey!"
News Anchor,"The study shows that the most likely abductors of children... are the parents themselves!  The study reveals that nine out of every ten abduction cases are committed by the child's mother or father. The bottom line being that your children aren't safe, even from you!"
Richard,Where are you going?
Mrs. Tweek,Uh. I'm just going to go upstairs and see if Tweek is still in his bed.
Richard,Oh?  I think I'll go with you.
Mrs. Tweek,It's okay. I can do it.
Richard,I just want to make sure that you-
Mrs. Tweek,That I don't abduct him? How do I know that you haven't done it already?
Richard,Me? I would never abduct our son!
Mrs. Tweek,That's not what the new study says!
Richard,"Well what are we supposed to do, eh-? How can we protect Tweek from ourselves?"
Randy,"Here you go, Stanley. This should hold you over for three years."
Stan,But why do I have to leave?
Randy,"The news says that at your age you aren't safe with us, son. You have to get out of here before we abduct you."
Sharon,"Good-bye, son.  Remember to eat right."
Gerald,"Look out for your brother, Kyle. You're the man now."
Sheila,"Oh, boys! Don't ever forget that we love you!"
Linda Stotch,Be careful out there!
Stan,Where are we supposed to go?
Randy,We can't tell you because we can't know where you are!
Sheila,"Oh, this is terrible!"
Mr. Donovan,"Go on, kids! Go! Go and don't look back!"
Randy,"Good-bye, kids. We'll... never forget you."
Stan,"Dude, sometimes I think our parents are really stupid."
A woman,Oh my God.
Tuong,"Ah. Hey daw. O'er 'ere. O'er 'ere, dog. Got som'in sweet and souh foh ya.  Good dog! That's it! Keep licking, dog!"
Tuong,"Hahahahahaaa! I'm free, Mongolians! And now I'm gonna make you PAY!"
News Anchor,"Finally, some good news tonight. It's been several days since any child abductions have taken place. The main reason: parents don't know where their children are."
Randy,What's the matter?
Sharon,"Oh, it's just... I was wondering if Stan's okay."
Randy,"Oh, I'm sure he's made it somewhere safe by now."
Sharon,"Do you really think we did the right thing, Randy? Sending all the young kids in town to live on their own?"
Randy,"Sweetheart, you saw the news..."
Sharon,I know.
Randy,"Don't you worry. I'm sure that Stan and all the other kids are somewhere safe, off in a whole new city by now, making a new life for themselves."
Leader,Tah tane da ke ab kahleh kalabush.
Stan,"Bi ologad bag, big nan dastai."
Mongolian,De bandig baeakhalah?
Cartman,Tawya mea pleda cleah bleah.
Tweek,Triben fak burushban.
All,Shain balag!
Tuong,"Awright, Mongolians! Your only way through this wall is through me. This is my rast stand! I'm gonna do my war dance now.  Does my war dance ascare you, Mongolians? Yeah, you think you want a piece of this?  This is ancient Chinese dance of a- Oh, herro kids. Uh be careful, there's a-Mongolians up there.  Oh, crap!"
Randy,What's going on?
Liane,I heard an explosion.
Tuong,God-damned Mongolians attacked city wall again!
Man in Back,Mongolians?
Randy,What the hell are they doin' here?! Rabble! Rabble rabble!
Adults,Rabble rabble rabble rabble!
Richard,Wait a minute. Those Mongolians are... our children.
Sheila,Ike? Kyle?
Sharon,My son has become a Mongolian? No! Noooo!!
Richard,"Oh God. What have we done? We sent our children away, and now they don't even remember who they are."
Mr. Donovan,Kids? Don't you remember us?
Randy,"Wait wait. I learned some Mongolian in college.  Ah, let's see. Uh. K-kids, uh, Bi kute. Bi salnek kute. Uh-d tah tasobarro."
Stan,"Oh my God, our parents are so stupid, dude."
Randy,Bi kute.
Mr. Donovan,"We are your parents. You used to live here, with us."
Kyle,"Yeah, it was like four days ago!"
Richard,They're starting to remember.
Randy,Staaan. Your name... is Staaan!
Stan,"Uh huh, Stan Marsh."
Randy,"That's it! Remember, son! Rememmmber!"
Richard,"We're sorry, Tweek!"
Mr. Donovan,"Are you okay, Clyde?"
Chris,"Oh, son, can you ever forgive us?"
Butters,"Huh, I'm over here, Dad."
Chris,Oh.
Sheila,"We're sorry, kids. We just let all those sensationalist news reports go to our heads."
Richard,"Oh my God, do you see what this means? The Ghost of Human Kindness was right all along."
Mr. Donovan,"You mean how he said we should trust each other, or how he abducted children?"
Richard,"The uh... no, the part about being more trusting. We should follow what he said, not what he did."
Adults,"Wow, yeah. Oh yeah."
Randy,"No, no. You know who was right all along? The Mongolians.  They knew that you just can't wall yourself off from the outside world. Putting walls up never helps anything. Tearing them down brings us together."
Adults,Whoa! Wow. Right!
Chris,"Yeah, the Mongolians were right. Yeah."
Tuong,"Aw, you'd better not say what I think you're gonna say."
Mayor McDaniels,"Mr. Lu Kim, tear down this wall!"
Tuong,"Oh, God! I hate this whole shitty!"
Sharon,"Randy, can we just take our son home now?"
Randy,"Yes, kids.  With us, now come. Home. Hoomme."
Stan,"Jesus Christ, dude, they've done some stupid crap before, but Jesus Christ."
Lolly,"Oh, hello there, kids! Welcome to Lolly's Candy Shop."
Stan,We're the kids whose names you called on your commercial last night. We're here to do the shopping spree!
Lolly,Oh that's great!
Cartman,You bet your fat clown ass it is!
Lolly,Okay! Well I'll just need your ticket stub.
Cartman,...ticket stub?
Lolly,You know. When you entered the contest you got the other half of this ticket.
Stan,Oh shit. Who had the ticket stub?
Kyle,It was such a long time ago!
Cartman,"Wu-we don't really ""need"" the ticket stub, do we?"
Lolly,Don't need the ticket stub?? Are you high?? How else do I know you're the winners?
Stan,Because our names were called on the commercial last night!
Lolly,"Sh-orry boys. No ticket stub, no candy shopping spree. If you find it, you can come back, but you only have one week to claim the prize. That's called ""The Ticking Clock."" Works great in the movies."
Cartman,GODDAMMIT!!!
Stan,We've gotta find that ticket!
Kyle,"Which one of us took it?! It was so long ago, I c- I can't remember."
Cartman,"You guys we've got to focus! We've got to focus, and remember."
Lolly,All right. There you go. Hold on to that ticket stub. You'll need it to claim your prize.  Sign up for the five-minute shopping spree!!
Stan,"You hold on to this, Cartman. I might lose it."
Cartman,"Nah, I'll lose it for sure. You keep track of it, Kyle."
Kyle,"Okay.  N-no, ah I don't want that much responsibility. Here, you hold on to it, Kenny."
Kenny,(Okay.)
Cartman,Kenny!!!
"Stan, Kyle",AAAHHH!!
Stuart,Yes?
Stan,Where's Kenny??
Stuart,Uh... boys... Kenny died ...last December. Don't you remember?
Kyle,"We know he's dead. We mean, where is his body??"
Kenny's Mom,"His body? Well, why??"
Cartman,Because he has the God-damned ticket for the-!
Stan,"Uh, look. We just really miss our friend and, ah, andand we need to see his remains for closure."
Kyle,Yeah. Closure.
Cartman,What the fuck is closure?!
Kenny's Mom,Oh all right boys. Come on in.
Stuart,"We haven't seen you boys for so long, we thought you'd forgotten all about him."
Kenny's Mom,"Here he is, boys. Our dear little Kenny."
Cartman,You turned him into a teapot?
Stuart,"No. That's an urn, boys. Kenny's inside it."
Kenny's Mom,"Your friends are here to see you, Kenny.  They miss you an awful lot, like we all do."
Stuart,"Thang-thanks for coming by, boys. Ih-ih, it means a lot to us.  Aw now, honey."
Cartman,Wewewewewewe...
Stan,Did you get it?
Cartman,"Hold on, I'm checking for robot guards.  Wewewewewewe..."
Kyle,"There's not gonna be any robot guards, retard! Just get Kenny!"
Robot Guard,Wewewewewewe...
Kyle,"Alright, we made it!"
Stan,Kenny'd better have the ticket stub with him in there!
Kyle,"Let him out, Cartman!"
Cartman,...Kenny?  Kenny?!
Kyle,Is he in there?
Stan,I can't see.
Cartman,What the hell is this?! Chocolate milk mix?!
Kyle,I knew Kenny couldn't fit in that tea pot!
Stan,It wa a trick!
Cartman,God-damnit! This isn't even GOOD chocolate milk mix!
Stan,Kenny's parents must be laughing pretty hard about now! We're dumb enough to believe Kenny's body could be in a teapot!
Kyle,Why would they play such a cruel joke on us?
Cartman,"Egh, because they're poor, Kyle! Poor people don't have anything better to do than piss other people off! Don't you watch Springer?!"
Stan,We just have to face it. We're not gonna get Kenny back and we're not gonna have our shopping spree. It's over!
Kyle,Goddamnit! There has to be a way!
Cartman,"Hmmm.  Hmm, not bad."
Kenny's Mom,"Hurry up, Kenny! You're gonna be late for school!"
Cartman,Huh! ... I don't think that chocolate milk mix agreed with my stomach.
Stan,"Cartman, come on!"
Cartman,"What what?  Jesus, you buttholes! It's six in the morning!"
Stan,Kyle figured out a way to get our winning ticket stub back from Kenny!
Cartman,How?
Kyle,"A ladder to heaven.  We build it, climb up, and get our winning ticket back from that asshole Kenny."
Randy,"Hey, if you boys are building a clubhouse you should start with the floor."
Stan,"We're not building a clubhouse, we're building a ladder to heaven."
Randy,"A ladder to heaven? Why, son?"
Stan,Because we wanna see Kenny again.
Sharon,"Oh... oh, that's so sweet."
Randy,That's the ...s-s-saddest thing I've ever heard.
Jimbo,"Hey Randy, can I borrow your uh...  What the hell are they doing?"
Randy,"The boys wanna see their dead friend Kenny again, Jimbo, so they're... building a ladder to heaven."
Jimbo,Awwww.
Sheila,"Kyle, I think you've bothered the Marshes enough."
Randy,"No, it's... alright, Sheila. The boys were just... building a ladder to heaven to see their old friend, Kenny."
Jimbo,A ladder tuh... Oh... oh God.
Sheila,"Oh, that's so touching."
Field Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where last December, eight-year-old Kenny McCormick died of a terminal illness. But now, that little boy's three closest friends miss their friend so much that they are building a ladder to heaven, in order to-  a ladder to heaven in order to try to see him again.  It's so sad and yet so beautiful, Tom. Here's what some people had to say."
Randy,"Well, our son just said to us that he really needed to see his little friend Kenny again and... and that he thought it would work...  if he... built the ladder to heaven."
Sheila,"They just believe in their little hearts that it will work. We can't tell them it won't, we just can't!"
Jimbo,It shows how beautiful the innocence of a child really is.
Mr. Garrison,A ladder to heaven? That's fuckin' stupid.
Mayor McDaniels,These boys symbolize how we all feel about loss. Who are we to tell them it's impossible?
Field Reporter,"Tom, people from all over the-  Sorry.  People from all over the country are coming to see the ladder, feeling a connection to its symbolism, and beauty. Even country singer Alan Jackson has shown up with a song he has written about the ladder.  Alan Jackson is, of course, the man who wrote the song, ""Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning,"" about the tragedies on September 11. And now he's here once again to capitalize on people's emotions. Let's listen in."
Alan Jackson,"Where were you when they built the ladder to heaven? Did it make you feel like cryin', or did you think it was kind of gay?"
Townsman,What a beautiful song.
Alan Jackson,"Well I, for one, believe in the ladder to heaven.Oh yeah yeah yeah. 9-11I said 9-11, 9-11, 9-11, Ni-hi, hi-hine___Eleven.Thank you! I have a new CD out with all my 9-11 songs for sale right here!"
Kyle,Oh good! Cartman's back from the junkyard.
Cartman,I found this car seat in Mr. Garrison's car.
Stan,Mr. Garrison threw away his car?
Cartman,...No.  Ey! Euuugh.
Kenny's Mom,"Hurry up, Kenny! You're gonna be late for school!"
Stuart,"Kenny, do you by any chance know what happened to my Playboys?  Kenny?! Answer me!!"
Kyle,Cartman? Cartman?!
Cartman,"Wha-uh, what?? What?"
Kyle,"Dude, what the hell's wrong with you?!"
Cartman,I don't know. It's like my brain just keeps... jacking off.
Kyle,Maybe you got brain cancer.
Cartman,Do you think?
Stan,"Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman! You're gonna fall off and break it!"
SNN Reporter,"The nation is rallying behind three sweet boys in Colorado who are building a ladder to heaven to be with their dead friend.  It's making Americans start to believe in heaven, again."
Woman 1,"Well when I see how this ladder has brought people together, how... how it has changed America, I mean, how can I not believe?"
SNN Reporter,Ha do YOU actually believe in the ladder to heaven?
Fat Man,"If... heaven is an eight-year-old boy, and the ladder is my penis...  and the pearly gates are the-"
SNN Reporter,"Uh, meanwhile, the American economy cont-  wait. Wait. Wait a minute. We are getting reports now that Japan is building their own ladder to heaven to compete with the US's. Let's go live to SNN correspondent Nobuhiro Sabasurisurijuwa."
SNN Correspondent,"This is a Nobunaga Hiroichi reporting rive from Tokyo, where Japan has started buirding its own radder to hayben.  Ahready, the Japanese radder extend faaar into space  and it's growing by a-one thousand miles every day.  As the endeavor continues it is becoming clear that Japan will reach a-hayben before the United States."
Neighbors,Nahurabo Nahurabo
Stan,"Excuse me.  Excuse me!  Uh, we ran out of stuff.  We ran out of stuff to build the ladder with."
Man 1,Oh no!
Woman 2,"Oh Jesus, no!"
Alan Jackson,Where were you when they ran out of stuff to build the ladder to heaven?
Stan,"We can keep going, but we need to start tearing down houses for wood."
Randy,"No! Agh, look, I, I think maybe this has gone on far enough."
Gerald,"Yeah... Ih it's time we told the boys the truth, that they aren't really going to get to heaven."
Man 2,Wait! Look!
General,"We've come to help you beat those Japs, boys!  There won't be anyone stopping this great ladder from being built today!  Alpha Team! Get that support structure up! Ciranom's Team! Get us photos and recon!"
Soldiers,Yes sir!
Alan Jackson,Where were you when they saved that ladder to heaven?
Kyle,"Man, I can't believe how much people want us to get our winning ticket back."
Cartman,"Candy-shopping sprees have that effect on people, Kyle."
Kyle,Do you see anything?
Stan,No. Hello?? Kenny?? God??
Kyle,Grandma??
Cartman,"Aw, don't tell me we haven't even reached the cloud city yet!"
Stan,"No cloud city, not even a giant. Heaven must still be a long way off."
Cartman,"Alright, look. I didn't wanna have to say this, but I think maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us doesn't believe in it enough."
Kyle,Huh?
Cartman,Heaven could be like the pixie faeries of Bubble Yum Forest. You only see them if you really believe in them.
Stan,What??
Cartman,"You know, maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O."
Kyle,What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?!
Cartman,Because Jews don't believe in heaven!
Kyle,Yes we do! Just not the Christian heaven!
Cartman,Right. Your idea of heaven is getting five dollars off your matzah ball soup at Barney's Beanery by lying about a hair in it.
Kyle,HAAHH!!!
Cartman,AH!
Kyle,Hey Kenny.
Stan,Hey Kenny.
Kenny,(We can watch it at my house.)
Cartman,"In the ghetto, in the ghetto. He's a boy wearing orange, who's losing his pride, 'cause Kenny and his whole family reside in the ghetto, in the ghetto"
Kenny,"(Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!)"
Cartman,What did you say?!
Kenny,"(I said, Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!)"
Cartman,What did you say?!
Cartman,"I said ""Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!""  Did I just call myself a blood-belching vagina?"
Stan,"Dude, what the hell is wrong with you??"
Cartman,"I dunno, I just, I keep feeling like I'm Kenny. Seeing memories through his eyes."
Kyle,You're too fat to be Kenny.
Cartman,You're a- stupid Jew.
Stan,Let's just keep building. We only have five more days until the shopping spree.
Bush,"Alright, how's the ladder going, General? Are we beating the Japanese."
General,"Not quite, but we have a new problem, Mr. President. Our recon team on the ladder just found new evidence of threats... from Saddam Hussein."
Bush,Saddam Hussein? But... we killed him! We secretly took him out months ago!
General,Yes sir. And now we believe he's building weapons of mass destruction... in heaven.
Bush,"Dear Christ, that sonofabitch just doesn't stop!"
General,These surveillance photos were taken atop the ladder of what appears to be heaven.  Here we see what we believe to be a missile silo. And here  we see what looks like a laboratory of some sort for making chemical weapons.
Dick Cheney,That... kinda looks like a seagull.
General,Yes. It could be a laboratory disguised as a seagull.
Bush,That tricky bastard!
General,"Sir, you must understand our fears. We must take out those facilities. We must...  bomb heaven!"
SNN Reporter,"SNN Question of the Day: Now that Americans believe in heaven, should we bomb it? The polls right now show that 51% of Americans think Saddam has to be dealt with, while 49% are wimpy tree-hugging pussies."
War Protester,War is not my voice! This country is just run by rednecks and bumpkins with their guns!
Redneck,We have to take Saddam out to protect ourselves.
Fat Man,"I, for one, believe that if Saddam Hussein were an eight-year-old boy, and my penis were the United States...  then there would-  hard nipples!"
SNN Reporter,God-damnit!
Field Reporter,"Tom, it's been five days since three sweet boys set out to build a ladder to heaven and caption the nation's hearts. They've made a nation believe heaven might be up there. And it could prove to be a threat to our country. President Bush will seek UN approval for military action."
Randy,"Boys, it's really neat that you want to see your old pal Kenny so much but..."
Gerald,But it's time for you to get back to school and on with your lives.
Stan,"No, we have to see Kenny!"
Sharon,You have to understand that Kenny's body isn't up in the clouds. He was cremated.
Stan,Cremated? What's that?
Randy,"When you die, your body is put into a broiling oven and cooked until you're nothing but ashes."
Kyle,"What?? For God's sake, why??"
Sheila,"Kyle, it's just what some people do."
Kyle,Are you gonna burn me?
Gerald,"Kyle, that's not the issue right now."
Kyle,Jesus Christ!
Randy,"The person's ashes are put into an urn, and that's where Kenny's body is."
Kenny's Mom,"You see boys, Kenny is in here.  What the???  Wait a minute! This is kitty litter!"
Cartman,"Alright, alright, I drank the chocolate milk mix and replaced it with kitty litter."
Stuart,You WHAT??
Stan,"Dude, don't you know what this means? You drank Kenny!"
Cartman,Shut up!
Kyle,"You did, dude! You drank his whole body!"
Cartman,Shut up!
Kenny's Mom,Oh my God! This is awful!  And disgusting!
Liane,"Bad, Eric, bad!"
Cartman,That explains it. Why I'm having Kenny's memories all the time. His soul is inside me.
Stan,"Well, so much for our winning ticket. Cartman probably drank that with the rest of Kenny!"
Kyle,"Yeah. Good job, fatass!"
Cartman,"I can't live like this. I, I have to find a place where they remove living souls from your body."
Cartman,Looks like I've come to the right place.
Nurse,Can I help you?
Cartman,"Yes, hello. I have a living thing inside of me that needs to be sucked out, please."
Nurse,You'll have to make an appointment; the charge is two hundred and thirty dollars.
Cartman,Two hundred and thirty dollars?? I just want you to vacuum him out of me and not put him up in a condominium!
Boyfriend,"It's gonna be okay, babe."
Cartman,"Listen, lady! You've got to get this crap out of me!  I don't want him in me anymore! Just suck him up and throw him out!"
Woman,"Oh Steven, I can't go through with this! I have to keep it!"
Steven,"Damnit! Damnit!  Thanks a lot, kid!"
Cartman,Eh!
Cartman,Kenny! Kenny! kenny...
Stan,Kenny! Lolly's Candy Land is giving away a shopping spree!
Kyle,We're all gonna pitch in on an entry!
Lolly,Alright! There you go. Hold on to that ticket stub.
Stan,"Hold on to this, Cartman. I might lose it."
Cartman,"Nah, I'll lose it for sure. You keep track of it, Kyle, of it, Kyle, of it Kyle..."
Kyle,"Okay. N-no, ah I don't want that much responsibility-bility. Here, you hold on to it, Kenny."
Kenny,(Okay!)
Cartman,"You'd better not lose that ticket, Kenny, or else I'll kick you in the nuts! The nuts! The nuts!"
Cartman,The ticket! Kenny didn't have it on him when he died! He put it away somewhere!  Don't you see? I can still have my candy shopping spree! Oh my God!  You guys! YOU GUYS!!
Bush,"Ladies and gentlemen of the UN, we have evidence that Saddam Hussein is up there building weapons of mass destruction.  We have tried to communicate with Saddam through a psychic to ask him to let us see his warehouses in heaven. But he has not ""re-spond-ed""."
Indian Ambassador,"Of course he has not responded, because he's DEAD!"
Bush,"Right. Dead, and in heaven."
Another Ambassador,"This is preposterous! Even if there was a heaven, what makes you think Saddam Hussein's soul would be sent there?"
Bush,"Our intelligence tells us that when Saddam was originally killed, his soul actually went to hell. But while in hell he began a homosexual relationship with Satan, the Prince of Darkness. Satan, however, decided he didn't want to be with Hussein anymore and broke up with him about August.  When Saddam became jealous and tried to kill Satan's new lover, Chris, Satan had Saddam sent to heaven to live with Mormons as a punishment.  Question?  Yes?"
Another Ambassador,"Are you high, or just incredibly stupid?"
Bush,"I assure you, I am not high."
Cartman,You guys! You guys! I saw the ticket!
Kyle,"What do you mean, fatass?"
Cartman,"I just had another vision, you buttholes. Kenny didn't keep the ticket with him, he put it away somewhere."
Stan,Where??
Cartman,I don't know. I got conked in the head down at the abortion clinic  and I clearly saw Kenny putting the ticket in a little red box.  I just have to wait for another vision to come. I could clearly see through Ken-  AY!
Kyle,Do you see anything?
Cartman,"Yes, Kyle. I see a DEAD JEW!"
Stan,Whoawhoawhoa! Maybe Kyle's right. We gotta spark the vision somehow.
Cartman,Not by giving me brain damage!
Stan,Do you want a candy shopping spree or not?!
Cartman,"Alright, go ahead.  AY!... no.  AY!..."
Sharon,"Randy! Gerald! We, we were wrong about heaven! The Japanese just reached it with their ladder!"
Randy,What?
Sharon,See for yourself!
SNN Correspondent,"This is a Nobunaga Hiroichi reporting rive from hayben.  The great a-nation of Japan reached a-hayben today about eight o'crock Pacific Standard Time-eh.  Therefore, hayben is now a-decrared an official part of Japan, because we got a-here first. And now for the weather in heaben, let's go to Natsako Semu."
Natsako Semu,"Todeh weather in hebon, partry croudy."
Nobunaga,That's the news from heben.  Dame! Dame da! Bakayarou da!!
Randy,"Oh God, and we told our boys they'd never reach heaven."
Gerald,Kids!
Bush,Good. As soon as the boys finish their ladder we'll be ready to take Saddam out.
Sharon,"Do you really think this is a good idea, Randy?"
Randy,"If Saddam is building weapons, we have to stop him. With our weapons."
Stan,"Ah, excuse me everyone! Uh, we're not working on the ladder anymore. Thank you, we're done."
Some Guy,Dude.
George Bush,Not working on the ladder? But the Japanese won't let us use theirs.
Kyle,"Kenny didn't have the ticket stub. It was in his room. So we got all our candy, and you can all go home."
Randy,"Wait, are you saying that you boys only wanted to build a ladder to heaven so you could get some candy??"
Cartman,"...I've never heard the words ""only"" and ""candy"" in the same sentence before."
Field Reporter,But... what about your lost friend? What about your fragile innocence and believing we could all get to heaven?
Stan,"Yeah, well people make us kids believe that heaven is this white place with fluffy clouds and angels..."
Kyle,"Yeah, but now we think maybe heaven isn't a place you can get to, maybe heaven is just an idea. A frame of mind or, or something gay like that. Maybe heaven... is this moment, right now."
General,"So, you're saying we should bomb this moment, right now. Right! Johnson!"
Johnson,Sir!
Randy,"No, no. We shouldn't bomb anybody. These boys are right. The only heaven we can hope for is one here on earth, now. We should stop waiting to get into heaven and start trying to... create it."
Crowd,Awwww.
Bush,And I was dumb enough to believe Saddam could actually be up there buildin' bombs.
Alan Jackson,"Where were you when they decided heaven was a more intangible idea 'n you couldn't, you couldn't really get there?  You little bastards ruined my latest song!"
Kyle,"Well, I'm sure glad this is all over with. Let's go count our candy."
Stan,Yeah. But what about Kenny. His soul is still in Cartman's body.
Cartman,"No no, I just drank his memories. I'm not sharing my body with that poor piece of crap. Stop calling me poor, you fat dick!  ...Oh Jesus Christ."
Kyle,"Whoa.  Kenny, you in there?"
Cartman,"Stop it! Where am I, you guys? Oh God!"
Stan,"Dude, come back here!"
Kyle,"Stop him, Kenny!"
Saddam Hussein,Keep those nitrogen capsules over there by the warheads! Right. Chop-chop. Come on!
God,Saddam. I've been hearing rumors that you're secretly building weapons of mass destruction up here.
Saddam Hussein,Weapons of mass destruction? Nooo! This is a chocolate chip factory. See?
God,It looks like a chemical weapons plant.
Saddam Hussein,"Look, God, if I was gonna secretly build a chemical weapons plant, I wouldn't make it look like a chemical weapons plant, would I? I'd make it look like a chocolate chip factory or something."
God,"...Alright, just checking."
Saddam Hussein,Stupid asshole!
Stan,O Great Wizard of Gregendath. What quest do you ask of this Ranger and Paladin?
Cartman,Only one thing can save our kingdom. You must bring me: a piece of pecan pie with toffee ice cream and magic shell. Hurry now!
Kyle,"That quest sucks, Cartman! Think of another one!"
Randy,"Uh, boys,  Butters' parents want to borrow The Lord of the Rings video we rented. Could you take it over to them?"
Stan,You're sending us on... a quest? You ask of us to take the one video to the House of Butters?
Randy,"Yeah, whatever."
Cartman,It shall be a long journey with many dangers on the way.
Kyle,"But if the tape must be brought to the House of Butters, who else can do it?"
Stan,"Very well, we shall embark on this quest immediately, father! Come, warriors!"
Stan/Kyle/ Cartman,Ho!
Randy,"Hmmm, that gets rid of them."
Sharon,"Oooh, you're a little frisky, aren't you?"
Randy,"Yeah, well uh, The Lord of the Rings wasn't the only thing I rented from the video store.  I also rented... a porno."
Sharon,"Oho, you little devil."
Randy,You wanna go watch?
Stan,How shall we journey to the house of Butters? Through the mines of Endor or over the mountains of Grog?
Kyle,Look out! Here comes the great dragon of Perengraph!
Cartman,Don't worry! I am the great wizard Motortart. I can shield us from the dragon's fire.
Stan,"Good job, wizard."
Cartman,"And so the party journeyed onward: the great Wizard, the skillful Ranger, and the covetous Jew."
Kyle,"I'm a Paladin, Cartman!"
Cartman,Jews can't be Paladins.
Sharon,"Hey there, cowboy."
Randy,"You ready for some hot, steamy fun?"
Sharon,You bet I am.
Randy,"The guys at the office told me I had to rent this porno. They said, ""this is without a doubt the hottest porno ever made."""
Sharon,"Mmm, sounds good."
Randy,I love that lingerie.  Yeah. You like that?
Sharon,"Mm, yeah baby."
Randy,"Yeeaahhh.  Alright, you ready?"
Sharon,Ready.
Randy,"Oh, yeah."
Narrator,"The story begins in ages past, in the deep regions of Middle-earth, where Scorn first thrived in the kingdom of Gelgelar."
Randy,"Aw man, I hate when pornos try to have a story."
Narrator,Seven rings were cast and given to the races of Men.
Randy,Oh yeah.
Narrator,"Seven, to the races of Elves, five to the gloondock villagers of Gelgendor."
Sharon,"Wow, the production values are really good in this porno."
Randy,"Yeah, it almost looks like... The Lord of the--  Oh, my God!  This is Lord of the Rings!"
Sharon,But then that mean..?
Randy,The boys have the hottest porno ever made.
Chris,"Oh, hello boys."
Stan,My father has asked that we bring you this copy of Lord of the Rings.
Chris,"Well, thank you very much, kind heroes."
Cartman,Perhaps a reward is in order. Gold? Frankensteincense?
Chris,"Oh, but you are noble heroes. We know our thanks is enough."
Cartman,"Man, that's crap."
Chris,"Butters,  look what we have for you to watch: The Lord of the Rings."
Butters,"Oh, boy! Finally I get to see it!"
Linda,"Now Daddy and I have to do our taxes, so you can watch this by yourself and not get scared?"
Butters,"Ah I won't get scared, Mom. Promise!"
Chris,That's our man. Here you go.
Butters,Ooh la lolly! I finally get to see Lord of the Rings.
Evan Stone,Spank that ass.
Butters,"Whoa.  Neat-o.  Well, this is good."
Sharon,"Oh my God, this is gonna be so embarrassing. ""Hi, Chris. Hi, Linda. We were just wondering if we could get our porno back."""
Randy,"Calm down, maybe the boys haven't gotten there yet."
Cartman,And so the party returns home after completing their great quest.
Stan,The one tape was returned and South Park was again at peace.
Kyle,Quick! A monster of Rivendell!
Cartman,Prepare for battle!
Sharon,The boys!
Randy,Boys! Boys!  Where's the videotape?
Stan,We gave it to the parents of Butters as commanded by you.
Sharon,"Awgh, I guess we have to go talk to 'em now."
Randy,"Well, wait a minute, uhhh, boys, do you think you can go get that tape back for us really fast?"
Cartman,This sounds like a really important quest.
Randy,"Yes, it is. It is more important than anything I've ever asked you to do. You must retrieve the tape. But do not look at it, uh, for it... holds an evil power! Retrieve the tape, and return it to us at home.  Do this, and you will be greatly rewarded."
Stan,Woww.
Cartman,This... is so cool.
Kyle,"Gentlemen, we are off!"
Randy,"Okay, problem solved."
Woman,"...Oh my God, I'm so... Mmmm, mmm..."
Butters,"Oh golly.  Hey, what's happening down there?"
Stan,We have come to reclaim the one tape!
Butters,"Wha-wha, what are you doing?!"
Kyle,The Queen and King of Stan'ses house wish The Lord of the Rings returned to them.
Butters,"But it's the greatest movie I have ever seen. You guys were right. Lord of the Rings is awesome. Eh, you have to let me finish watching it."
Cartman,"Nay, Butters! The one tape must be brought back to Stan'ses house."
Butters,Bwaagghh!
Kyle,Butters! We said you can't watch it! We have a quest!
Butters,"Well, then... then let me go with you."
Kyle,"Okay, fine, Butters. But if you're gonna hang out with us, you have to play like Lord of the Rings."
Butters,"Wuh, okay.  Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, yeah."
Kyle,"Butters, what the hell are you doing?!"
Butters,"Playing Lord of the Rings.  Ugh, wegh, oh yeah."
Kyle,"Get the hell off me! You're a freak, Butters! You can't play with us!"
Butters,Let me have the tape!
Stan,"No, we have to return it!"
Butters,My movie!  My awesome cool movie. My... precious.
Cartman,And so the tape was again retrieved to be brought back to Stan'ses house.
Kyle,This copy of Lord of the Rings made the young Butters behave quite awfully.
Stan,"Yeah, and mine parents were acting strange about it, too."
Cartman,Perhaps the one videotape has some power we have not foreseen.
Sixth Grader 1,"Well, well, well! If it isn't Robin Hood and his Merry Men!"
Kyle,"Oh, crap, the sixth graders!"
Sixth Grader 1,Whatcha got there?
Stan,"Nothing.  Hey, kid!"
Sixth Grader 1,Lord of the Rings? Ha! That movie's gay!
Cartman,You're gay!
Sixth Grader 1,"What the--?  Whoa!  Check it out, you guys!"
Sixth Graders 2/3,Whoa!
Stan,Give it back! We're on a quest to return it to my parents!
Sixth Grader 1,No way! We're keepin' this and watchin' it ourselves!
Kyle,You can't keep it.
Sixth Grader 1,"And what are three little fourth graders gonna do about it, huh?!"
Stan,There's four of us! Kenny's soul is still trapped in Cartman's body!
Cartman,Yeah!
Sixth Grader 1,"Oh man, I can't wait to see this!"
Kyle,"Dude, that video is making people act strange."
Cartman,The one tape must be returned!  Run!
Sixth Grader 1,Get 'em!
Chris,"Oh, hello, Randy, Sharon."
Randy,"Uh... Chris, are the boys over here?"
Linda,"No, just Butters. He's been watching The Lord of the Rings downstairs."
Sharon,"Oh, dear!"
Chris,What's the matter?
Randy,"We...  Well, this is really sort of funny, but uh, we, we accidently put a...porno in The Lord of the Rings box."
Linda,Ohh Godd!!
Chris,Butters?
Linda,Butters?  Butters!
Butters,The precious?  Could you bring back my precious?
Chris,"Butters, where is the movie you were watching?"
Butters,"They took his precious, took it away to watch without him.  He was really enjoying that movie, too! My... precious."
Randy,The boys must've come and saw what it was and... then taken it away somewhere.
Sharon,"Oh, no."
Kyle,We can't let those sixth graders get their hands on this videotape.
Cartman,"I must say I agree. If this copy of The Lord of the Rings is tainted, it would not be safe in the wrong hands."
Sixth Grader 1,I smell fourth graders!
Stan,"Oh crap, dude!"
Kyle,Hide!
Sixth Grader 2,Hey.  I think I see something down the hill.
Stan,Ogh.
Kyle,Phew. The one videotape is sought after indeed.
Stan,"Yeah. Butters, my parents, now the sixth graders."
Cartman,"Come, guys. We must bring this all to the attention of the High Elf of Paragon."
Kyle,"Yeah, the High Elf. He'll know what to do."
Randy,And so that's the situation. All the boys are out there somewhere with a... pornographic videotape.
Sheila,"Oh God, this, this is horrible!"
Gerald,"All right, calm down. Now, just how bad of a porno tape are we talking here? I mean, was it like Crotch Capers 3?"
Randy,I'm a...fraid it was... Backdoor Sluts 9.
Gerald/Chris,Backdoor Sluts 9?!?
Linda,Is that bad?
Chris,Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!
Gerald,"I-it is the single most vile, twisted, dark piece of porn ever made."
Sheila,How the hell do you know?!
Gerald,"I, uh, I-I-I read about it in People."
Sheila,"Oh, this is just great! How could you two be so careless?!"
Sharon,We're sorry.
Liane,"Well, Sheila, we can't shelter our boys forever from these things. Maybe it's okay for them to see an adult film."
Sheila,Not without their parents to put it in a proper context! They won't understand what they're seeing!
Randy,"It-it can't hurt 'em that much, can it?"
Butters,Precious.  Let me see my precious.  Plee-ee-ee-ease!
Cartman,Open.  Bellog.
Clyde,What do you guys want?
Stan,We must speak with the High Elf of Paragon.
Clyde,"Oh. Okay, hang on a second.  What troubles you?"
Kyle,We have in our possession something of great power.  It is... The Lord of the Rings.
Clyde,So? I have three copies. And the DVD with twelve hours of extra footage.
Stan,"Yes, but this is not a--  Wow, twelve hours? ...Yes, but this is not a normal copy. It's making people act really strange."
Cartman,"We're seriously, High Elf. Something very evil lurks in this tape."
Clyde,"Very well, I shall call the council together. Meet me in the Woods of Gathering behind Talangar the Black's house. And don't let my mom see you, 'cause I'll get in trouble."
Cartman,"Thank you, High Elf of Paragon."
Clyde,"Faragon, asshole!"
Cartman,Clyde's a dick.
Sixth Grader 1,"Alright, everybody listen up! There's three snot-nosed little fourth graders out there who have a porno called Backdoor Sluts 9."
Other Sixth Graders,Ooooooh!
Sixth Grader 1,"I checked it out on the Internet, and it said that Backdoor Sluts 9 is the most hard-core porno ever made."
Other Sixth Graders,Ahhhhh!
Sixth Grader 1,"I have amassed this army of sixth graders to get the tape by any means necessary. Now, let's go get that porno!"
Clyde,"And so that is the situation. The video may or may not have evil power. Kyle, would you bring it up here, please?"
Other boys,Ahhh.
Jimmy,That video could have been made by Sauron's evil f-...forces.
Craig,It could hold a mental spell of some kind.
Kevin,Perhaps we could use it to strengthen our star cruisers.
Cartman,"Kevin, god-damnit..!"
Clyde,"Look, until we see this tape's power for ourselves, we cannot risk giving it to anybody."
Stan,"But if we watch it, we could fall under its spell, too."
Clyde,"That is true. Only a Paladin with a high constitution should watch the tape. Therefore, I think it is a job for you, Talangar the Black."
Token,"I am not scared. I'll go inside and watch the tape,  just for a few seconds. If I do not return in two minutes, send a party in after me.  The fate of Middle-earth... is in my hands."
Sixth Grader 1,Fourth graders! Give us that porn-o!
Sharon,Boys?
Sheila,"Boys, we're not mad at you. We just wanna talk to you."
Cartman,Talangar the Black returns from watching the video.
Clyde,"What vice did you see on the videotape, Talangar? Is it the work of Sauron's magic?"
Token,I'm not playing anymore.
Stan,"Uh, well—Wait, what'd you see?"
Token,"I don't know, I don't wanna know. I'm out."
Cartman,"My God, this thing must really be powerful."
Kyle,This tape makes people freak out wherever it goes.
Stan,What do we do with it?
Clyde,"One thing for sure, this tape cannot be trusted with anybody. This must be returned to the video store from whence it came."
Jimmy,"Well, where is the videotape rented from?"
Kyle,Two Towers Video Store. I-in Conifer.
Tweek,Conifer? Walking there would take hours!
Clyde,There's no alternative. We have to return the tape before it causes more damage!
Kindergartner,I'll go.
Clyde,Ha! We cannot trust something of that much power to a dwarf! Especially a kindergartner dwarf.
Craig,You're too young.
Cartman,Quiet!
Jimmy,"You guys, this is stupid."
Cartman,You're acting like a bunch of assholes!
Stan,I will take it!  I will walk to the video store.
Clyde,"It is too far and too dangerous to go alone. Take with you the wizard , the dwarf , the warrior , the cleric , and the Jew ."
Kyle,Paladin!
Clyde,Very well. You shall be the Fellowship of The Lord of the Rings. Good luck. I have to go home now before I get in trouble.
Tweek,Me too.
Other boys,"Yeah, yeah, yeah."
Craig,Only the six of us are to go?
Stan,"No, no, there's seven of us. Kenny's soul is still trapped in Cartman's body, remember?"
Cartman,"Yeah, stupid.  Yeah. Luckily, Cartman's body is big enough for the both of us.  Shut up, Kenny."
Narrator,So it was that the heroes traveled many miles to return The Lord of the Rings to the video store.
Kyle,We have reached the Great Pass of Mount Ururalak.
Craig,Look out!
Kyle,We were almost killed.
Cartman,A dark wizard must be trying to stop us!
Stan,True. Someone or something doesn't want this video returned to the video store.
Token's Father,Oh. Hello everybody.
Gerald,"Steve, uh, we heard that a bunch of the kids were over here a little while ago."
Token's Mother,"Well yes, I believe they were, but they've gone. What's the matter?"
Randy,"We think our boys might be showing other chiildren a, uh... pornographic tape."
Steve,What? But Token's never seen a porno before. He wouldn't know what to—Oh God!
Token's Mother,Token!
Token's Mother,Token? Did the boys come over and... show you a movie?
Steve,"Token?  Alright, Token. We know you must be very confused about what you saw."
Randy,"Yes, uh... you see, Token... that was called a pornographic film. I-it shows adult men and adult women having sexual intercourse.  Well, y-you see, when a, when a man and a woman fall in love, the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina. It's called love-making, and it's part of being in love."
Token,"...And when the woman has four penises in her at the same time, then stands over the men and pees on them, is that part of being in love too?  Five midgets, spanking a man... covered in Thousand Island dressing. Is that making love?"
Steve,"Jesus, what kind of porno is that?"
Gerald,It was Backdoor Sluts 9.
Steve,"Oh, Jesus, not that one!"
Sheila,"Oh, Gerald, poor Kyle must be just as confused and scared as this poor kid."
Gerald,"Uh, Token, this is very important: do you know where the boys went with the naughty tape?"
Craig,We're entering the limits of Bailey. Everyone stay close.
Stan,Perhaps the Great Ringworm of Bailey is about.
Kindergartner,Ringworms are no match for a dwarf.
Cartman,"Guys, we shall slay the Ringworm and take his bounty of treasure!  For that is the way of the--"
Boy 1,I shall put the magic spell on you!
Boy 2,"I have blocked your spell, wizard!"
Kyle,"Hey, what are you guys doing?"
Boy 3,We're playing Harry Potter.
Cartman,Ha!! Fags!
Kyle,You guys. Somebody is following us.
Cartman,It's Butters.
Kyle,Butters?
Cartman,Yes. He's been following us for like two hours.
Butters,The precious videotape. L-let the Butters see it.
Cartman,Just ignore him; maybe he'll go away.
Jimmy,"Hey fellas, mind if we take a little re-rest?"
Cartman,"There's no time for rest, sorcerer! Keep up!"
Jimmy,They are coming.  You guys go on ahead.
Kyle,"Jimmy, are you sure?"
Jimmy,Go!  You shall not...pah..? You shall not..puh...  You shall not paah...  You shall not pa--!  You shall not paah--!  You shall not puh-uh-uh--  You shall not pass.
Stan,Jimmy didn't stop them!
Kyle,They're gonna take The Lord of the Rings from us.
Cartman,Quick! Cross the river! Sixth graders can't stand water!
Craig,What? That's stupid.
Cartman,"I'm a high-ranking white wizard, Craig, and I say sixth graders are opposed to water!"
Craig,Whatever. I'm going back to play with the Harry Potter kids.
Kindergartner,Me too.
Cartman,Go ahead and play Harry Butthole Pussy Potter!
Stan,Just get across the river! They're coming!
Sixth Grader 1,What the hell is wrong with you guys?! Get the tape!
Sixth Grader 4,"Dude, I don't wanna get wet."
Sixth Grader 5,"Yeah, I don't really like the water."
Sixth Grader 2,"Besides, if our bikes get wet, their chains'll rust."
Sixth Grader 1,"Oh, god-damnit. Alright, come on. We'll find a bridge."
Narrator,The quest continued to return The Lord of the Rings to the video store.
Stan,"Man, we should have never crossed that stupid river."
Kyle,"Yeah. Good job, wizard fat ass! Now we're totally lost."
Cartman,"We're not lost, Jewgar of Jewlingrad, we just don't know where we are!  That's what ""lost"" means, stupid! Kenny, shut your goddamned mouth!"
Stan,This is great! We're in the middle of nowhere and nobody knows what direction the video store is in!
Butters,The Butters knowses.
Kyle,Oh brother!
Butters,The video store. Yesss. Not far from here. We can show you wheres it is.
Stan,Where?!
Butters,"First, just let Butters sseee the precious."
Kyle,"No, Butters. Look what it's done to you. It's made you even lamer than before."
Cartman,If that was possible.
Stan,"Tell us how to get to the video store, Butters, or else we're gonna kick your ass!"
Butters,Ha-a-a. No hurtses the Butters.  We will show you the way. Yesss. This way it is.
Sheila,"This is awful! I just know with every passing minute, little Kyle is seeing more and more depraved sex acts!"
Gerald,"Well, we'll find them. A-and then we'll try to put what they saw into context."
Sharon,Look! There's one of the boys now!  Jimmy!
Randy,Jimmy! Jimmy!  Where did the boys go with the porno tape?
Jimmy,They're taking it to the vi... the vi... the vii...
Chris,"Come on Jimmy, we don't have a lot of time."
Jimmy,They took it back to the video s... the video s...
Randy,The video sandwich?
Chris,The video stockyard.
Randy,"What's a video stockyard, Jimmy?"
Jimmy,"No, the video suh... the video s...tih..."
Gerald,Stinger?
Chris,"Staples. They went to the video Staples. Where's that, Jimmy?"
Jimmy,"N-n-no, you retards! The video s...tore!"
Adults,The video store!
Sheila,Hurry! Hurry!
Randy,I know where it is!
Kyle,Oh no! They're closed!
Stan,Closed?
Sixth Grader 1,There they are!
Sixth Grader 6,Don't let them turn it back into the video store!
Cartman,We're screwed.
Stan,"Wait. A drop box.  Quick, Kyle, drop the movie in!"
Kyle,Finally.  It's over.
Butters,Precious. Must have our precious. Waagh!
Kyle,Butters! No!
Butters,Now wees hases it!
Stan,They're coming!
Kyle,It has to go back!
Butters,It wantses to stay with the Butter kid.
Sixth Grader 1,There it is! Give me that tape!
Kyle,"Let go of the tape, Butters!"
Butters,I'll never let go!
Kyle,Fine!
Butters,Precious!
Sixth Grader 1,"Nooo!  No, nooo!  Damnit!"
Sixth Grader 2,"Aw man, now we'll never see the hot action."
Sixth Grader 1,You stupid little fourth graders!
Cartman,The tape is returned to which it came. Its power over you shall fade as well.
Kyle,Middle-earth is again safe.
Sixth Grader 1,"Yeah? Well, that's not gonna stop us from kicking your asses!"
Stan,Uh-oh.
Randy,Boys! Boys!
Sixth Grader 1,"Crap! Parents!  Come on, guys.  We'll see you next time, fourthies!"
Cartman,And perhaps they would. But for now the sixth grader army was defeated.
Randy,There you are!
Sheila,"Oh, Kyle! You're safe!"
Stan,"Oh hey guys, uh... We were just about to come home. We had to return the video."
Randy,"A-alright, now, now listen, kids. There's some things we need to put into context for you. You see, a man puts his penis into a woman's vagina for both love and pleasure. But sometimes the woman lays on top of the man facing the other way so that they can put each other's genitals in their mouths.  Uh, this is called ""69ing"" and it's normal."
Sharon,"See boys, a woman is sensitive in her vagina and it... feels good to have a man's penis inside of it."
Sheila,"That's right, but sometimes a woman chooses to use other things. Telephones, staplers, magazines. It's because the nerve endings in the vagina are so sensitive, it's like a fun tickle."
Gerald,"Now, on to double penetration, boys. You see, sometimes when a woman has sex with more than one man, each man makes love to a different orifice."
Randy,That's right. It's something adults can do with really good friends in a comfortable setting.
Sheila,It's also important that you understand why some people choose to urinate on each other.
Randy,"Going number 1 or number 2 on your lover is something people might do, but you must make sure your partner is okay with it before you start doing it."
Gerald,"Okay, boys. Do you have any questions?"
Stan,...Wow.
Randy,"Well, let's all get going."
Sheila,"Yeah, come on boys. Time to get home."
Chris,Wait a minute. Where's Butters?
Butters,Wu-u-wees hases our preciouseses! Hases it... Hases it...
Mr. Garrison,"You wanted to see me, Principal Victoria?"
Principal Victoria,"Yes, Mr. Garrison. Have a seat.  Mr. Garrison, sometime ago you asked to be promoted from teaching kindergarten back to the third grade."
Mr. Garrison,I'm aware of that.
Principal Victoria,"I wanna come clean with you and tell you that back then some of us were uncomfortable with your sexual preferences. It was wrong of us, and I want to make it up to you."
Mr. Garrison,"Wow, that's... really great to hear."
Principal Victoria,"As you know, the position of Fourth Grade teacher has become available, and we'd like to offer YOU the job."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, for real? You're not kidding?"
Principal Victoria,"We in administration see now that you are an individual with your own preferences, and we respect that."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, this is all just... this is a dream come true!  Thank you, Principal Victoria! I'll do a great job!"
Principal Victoria,I know you will.
Mr. Garrison,"You're sure this is for real? I mean, I'm not gonna just get fired again for being gay tomorrow."
Principal Victoria,"It's for real, Mr. Garrison."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh-ho, great!"
Principal Victoria,With all the new laws we could never fire you for being gay now. You'd be able to sue us for millions of dollars.
Mr. Garrison,Right uh-  Wha- ...what was that?
Principal Victoria,"Well, I was just saying that the policies have really changed. You know, we fire you for acting gay next time, you'd be able to sue the school district for ...lots of money."
Mr. Garrison,"...Oh right, right, right, I... Huh-... how much money, exactly?"
Principal Victoria,"Oh. Well, there was the case out in Minnesota where the guy was awarded... 25 million, I think."
Mr. Garrison,"Yeh-you don't say.  Well thanks, uh, Principal Victoria.  Holy Moly! I've gotta find a way to get fired for being gay!"
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay kids, I know the past few weeks have been really hard with the death of your teacher, Ms. Choksondik."
Kyle,Funny.
Mr. Mackey,"BUT... the principal has finally hired a teacher to take her place. So I want you all to give your best behavior to your new Fourth Grade teacher, Mr. Garrison."
Kids,AWWWW!!!
Kyle,Not him!
Mr. Garrison,"Thank you, Mr. Mackey."
Mr. Mackey,"Good luck, m'kay."
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, now for those of you who are new, my name is  Mr. Garrison."
Butters,"Where is Mr. Hat, sir?"
Mr. Garrison,"Well, I was informed that fourth graders are a little too old for Mr. Hat."
Kyle,Two-year-olds are too old for Mr. Hat.
Mr. Garrison,But it's okay because I found a new teacher's assistant. Say hello to...  Mr. Slave.
Mr. Slave,Hi kids. Hm.
Mr. Garrison,"So that's  Mr. Slave.  The teacher's assistant.  Or, as I like to write for short, the Teacher's Ass."
Mr. Slave,Oh Jesus Christ.
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, Mr. Slave. Go sit until I need you."
Mr. Slave,Ugh.
Cartman,"Dude, I think that Mr. Slave guy might by a...  Pakistani."
Mr. Garrison,"I'm not saying the rest of the school year will be easy. In fact, it's going to be long and hard.  Really long and really hard."
Mr. Slave,Oh Jesus Christ.
Mr. Garrison,"Eheh, the first thing we're gonna be learning about is communist Russia."
Cartman,"No, Kenny. What are you doing, Kenny?"
Mr. Garrison,"Now, Stalin was a big silly when it came to..."
Cartman,"Kenny, no! Don't do it, Kenny!"
Mr. Garrison,"Eric, did you just throw a paper airplane?!"
Cartman,"No, it was Kenny!"
Mr. Garrison,"Very funny, Eric! Kenny's dead!"
Stan,"Yeah, but Cartman drank Kenny's remains, and now Kenny's soul is trapped in Cartman's body."
The Other Kids,Yeah.
Mr. Garrison,That does it! I will not put up with foolishness in my class! It's time for punishment!  Take it Mr. Slave!
Mr. Slave,Oh-oh. Oh it hurts.
Mr. Garrison,"I will  NOT put up with  TOM foolery in my  CLASS room, children.  Mr. Slave, put this rubber ball in your mouth.  Take that, Slavey! take it!  This'll get me fired for sure."
Gerald,I really enjoyed the imagery in the last chapter of this month's book.
Linda,"Yes, and I really saw the entire book thematically as a take on corporate America."
Randy,"Well I think in the fourth chapter, when uh Nancy Drew discovers the bloody glove in the cheerleader's locker, well that uh that was just a brilliantly written passage."
Gerald,So full of metaphor.
Kyle,"Hey guys, can we talk to you?"
Sheila,"Oh, hi boys."
Sharon,How was school?
Kyle,"Uhh, not cool."
Sheila,"That's great. We're having our book of the month club meeting, so why don't you boys go outside and play?"
Linda,"Was it me, or did you all think that Nancy Drew solved the riddle of Elephant Mountain a little too easily?"
Stan,"No, no, he said not cool. We got our new teacher today; it's, it's Mr. Garrison, our old third grade teacher."
Chris,Uh huh.
Kyle,"Well, he has this new teacher's assistant, and uh and they're both... totally gay."
Sheila,Kyle! You know better than to discriminate against homosexuals!
Stan,"Yeah but, these guys are really super-gay."
Randy,"Aw I'm surprised at you, Stanley. I really thought you knew how to accept people for what they were."
Sharon,"Yeah, but Dad-"
Randy,"No buts, Stanley! We're not raising our kids to be discriminators!"
Sheila,That's right! I think it's time you kids took a little trip to the Museum of Tolerance!
Tour Guide,Welcome to the Museum of Tolerance. Here we try to educate you on the dynamics of racism and prejudice in America.
Cartman,Ey!
Tour Guide,"Now, did you know that words we use can show intolerance?  Let's begin our tour with a walk through our Tunnel of Prejudice, to show you what it can feel like to be discriminated against."
Voice,QUEER. BEANER. CHINK. NIGGER. HEEB. FAGGOT. CRACKER. SLOPE.
Cartman,"Aw man, this is awesome!"
Tour Guide,Now you know how it feels.
Cartman,I wanna ride again! I wanna ride again!
Tour Guide,"We are now entering the Hall of Stereotypes. These wax figures represent how some intolerant people have labeled minorities.  Here we see a black person eating chicken and watermelon, a stereotype that hurts the African-American community. What other stereotypes do you see here?"
Randy,"Ah, here's the Arab as a terrorist."
Tour Guide,"That's right. But of course, we know that not all Arabs are terrorists, don't we, kids?"
Butters,W-w-well there's an Asian over there with a calculator.
Tour Guide,"That's right. Not all stereotypes are negative. But even a positive one like ""All Asians are good at math"" is harmful to society."
Cartman,"Look, a covetous Jew!"
Tour Guide,"Very good, young man. The idea that Jews are only interested in money is very old indeed."
Randy,"Ah, here's a good one.  It's the stereotypical ""sleepy Mexican."""
Janitor,"Wai-what? Oh man, what time is it?"
Randy,Oh I'm sorry. I thought you were a wax sculpture.
Janitor,"Naw, man. I'm the janitor. I'm s'pose to be cleaning but I'm so tired. Ongh, so sleepy."
Tour Guide,"This is our discovery wing. Take your time at the computer displays , because you see, being tolerant you must also respect people who are small, people who are disabled, even people who are overweight,  like this young man here."
Cartman,Ey!
Tour Guide,"You other boys have probably called this young man names like ""tubby,"" or ""lardbutt,"" or ""fat tits,""..."
Kyle,"""Fat tits."" That's a good one."
Stan,"Yeah, I have to remember that."
Tour Guide,"But you must learn to be tolerant of his differences as well. If he chooses to eat fatty foods, that's his life choice."
Cartman,"I'm not fat, I have a different life choice."
Tour Guide,And we won't belittle you for eating lots of cookies and cakes and pies.
Cartman,"Duhuhude, tolerance kicks ass!"
Randy,That's our Cartman.
Tour Guide,"Well, that's the end of our tour."
Randy,"Now do you see why tolerance is so important, boys?"
Stan,I guess.
Tour Guide,We have to accept people for who they are and what they like to do.  Hey! What the hell are you doing?
Smoker,Oh I was just uh-
Tour Guide,There's no smoking in the museum!
Smoker,But I'm not in the museum.
Tour Guide,"Get out of here, you filthy smoker!"
Gerald,"Yeah, dirty lungs!"
Sharon,"Go ahead and kill yourself, stupid tar-breath!"
Chris,Dumbass!
Richard,Get out of here!
Tour Guide,"Well, have a great day, everybody."
Chris,Now you boys can go and give your teacher and assistant the respect they deserve. Right?
The Boys,Yeah.
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, let's take our seats. Uh, apparently, none of you tried to get me fired yesterday, so I guess we're just gonna have to go on and learn more today.  Now who can tells me what happens to water when we heat it up in the Bunsen burner?"
Butters,It evaporates.
Mr. Garrison,"Good, Butters. Now if we take the glass tube of the Bunsen burner, we can also see how other things react.  Evaporation is an exothermic reaction, so let's look at an endothermic one. Mr. Slave, position 7 please.  Now I'm gonna put the glass tube under Mr. Slave's tight ass.  The heat from Mr. Slave's ass will act as our new conductor of energy"
Mr. Slave,AAH.
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, now Butters, could you bring over Lemmiwinks for me please?"
Butters,Sure.
Stan,"Oh, no, no, no no no no."
Mr. Garrison,Newton was the first to discover that for every action there's a reaction - thank you Butters. Now what do you think is gonna happen when I introduce the element of the gerbil to the endothermic heat of Mr. Slave's ass?  Well let's see.
Mr. Slave,AAH.  AAH.  Dude! Jesus Christ! AAH!
Butters,Lemmiwinks? NO!
Chef,"Hello there, children!"
The Boys,Hey Chef.
Chef,How's it goin'?
Kyle,Bad.
Chef,Why bad?
Stan,"Chef, we're intolerant."
Chef,...Intolerant of who?
Kyle,"Gays, I guess."
Chef,"Now why do you wanna go be intolerant of gay people, children?  I thought you knew better."
Stan,"Well we didn't think we were, but Mr. Garrison has this new assistant, and we're really uncomfortable around him."
Chef,"Children, a lot of times the reason get uncomfortable around gay people is that they have some issues themselves. You have to ask yourself, ""What is it about their behavior that, for some reason, makes me uncomfortable?"""
Kyle,"Well, I guess it's mostly the way Mr. Garrison stuck a gerbil up Mr. Slave's ass."
Chef,"Right. And you see, children, that's why you need to- Whoa! What?!"
Stan,Are we homophobes now?
Kyle,"We don't wanna be gay bashers, Chef."
Chef,"Children, there's a BIG difference between gay people and Mr. Garrison! Do you understand that??"
Stan,N-no?
Chef,You children just take your lunches. I'm gonna have a talk with the principal.
Cartman,"I'll take three lunches today, please."
Chef,"You don't need three lunches, Eric! You're fat enough as it is!"
Cartman,"It is my life choice, Chef, and if you don't tolerate it I'll report you to the SEC."
Mr. Garrison,"That was a brilliant idea, having me put a gerbil up your ass, Mr. Slave.  Now we'll get fired for sure!"
Mr. Slave,Well it wasn't the first small animal I put up my ass.
Principal Victoria,"Mr. Garrison to the principal's office, please?"
Mr. Garrison,That's it! They're gonna fire me for being gay! Twenty-five million here we cooome.
Mr. Slave,"Don't forget, I get half. Oooooh!  Oooooh, Jesus Christ."
Frog King,"Lemmiwinks, you must find a way out of this place, or you will surely die.  This way has been closed off by the Great Sphincter. To escape you must journey upward to the dark reaches of the intestine and past the stomach.  Who am I? Just a friend. Heed my words, Lemmiwinks. Your time is running out. Make for the large intestine. All will be made clear then."
Singer,"A great adventure is waiting for you ahead.Hurry onward, Lemmiwinks, or you will soon be dead.The journey before you may be long and filled with woeBut you must escape the gay man's ass so your tale can be told.Lemmiwinks. Lehehemiwinks Lemmiwinks Lemmiwinks-"
Mr. Garrison,"You wanted to see me, Principal Victoria?"
Principal Victoria,"Oh yes, uh, Mr. Garrison, have a seat"
Mr. Garrison,"Oh dear, sounds like I'm gettin' fired."
Principal Victoria,"Mr. Garrison, Chef has brought it to my attention that some uh students are a bit... uuuncomfortable about certain aspects of your teaching methods."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh no, you're firing me? Oh well, I can't stop being who I am. I can't help the way God made me. Guess I just have to go."
Principal Victoria,No no no we're not firing you.
Mr. Garrison,...You're not?
Principal Victoria,"No, we're sending Chef to a tolerance seminar."
Chef,Sending Chef to a tolerance seminar?! You've got to be fuckin' crazy!!
Principal Victoria,"You demonstrate a lack of tolerance for Mr. Garrison's behavior. In fact, I believe you used the words ""sick queer"" to describe his conduct in class?"
Chef,He IS a sick queer!!
Mr. Garrison,Yeah!
Principal Victoria,"I just wanted to give you an opportunity to apologize to Mr. Garrison before I send you away, Chef."
Chef,Kiss my black ass!!
Mr. Mackey,"Parents, I had to call you in here because your boys have refused to attend class with their homosexual teachers, m'kay?"
Stan,We're not staying in class another minute with those queermos!
Randy,"Well I really thought you boys really learned something in the Museum of Tolerance, but apparently all you learned was new words to call your poor teachers!"
Butters,But they killed Lemmiwinks!
Chris,"Shut your mouth, Butters! You'll speak when spoken to!"
Butters,Yes sir.
Chris,"Mr. Mackey, we've done everything we can to raise compassionate children. We don't know where else to turn."
Mr. Mackey,"Well there is an intensive seminar camp. It's a bit severe, but it might be the only way. M'kay?"
Sharon,That sounds good to me.
Liane,Mee too.
Sheila,"Then it's settled. Boys, you're going to tolerance camp."
Stan,Tolerance camp?
Camp Warden,"Welcome to tolerance camp. You are here because you would not accept people's differences.  Because you refuse to accept the life choices of your fellow man. Well those days are now over. Here you vill verk, every hour of every day until you submit to being tolerant of everybody. Here, intolerance... will not be tolerated."
Mr. Garrison,God-damnit!
Mr. Slave,How'd it go?
Mr. Garrison,"This is unbelievable, Mr. Slave! It seems no matter what I do I can't get fired!"
Mr. Slave,The principal didn't fire you?
Mr. Garrison,No! The parents felt so bad that their kids didn't want to attend my class anymore that they wanna give me the Courageous Teacher award this Friday at the Museum of Tolerance!
Mr. Slave,"Oh, Jesus Christ."
Mr. Garrison,"I mean, I stuck a gerbil up your ass and they wanna give me a Goddamn medal!"
Mr. Slave,Well it sounds to me like the principal's just hiding things from everybody. What you need to do is let the parents see what kind of demented faggot you are.
Mr. Garrison,"Oh well-  Hey, that's right, Mr. Slave.  The parents have to see for themselves.  The awards ceremony! Well we'll put on a show they'll never forget!"
Mr. Slave,"Oohoohoohoo, Jesus Christ."
Singers,"Lemmiwinks journeyed a distance far and fast.To find his way out of a gay man's ass.The road ahead is filled with danger and frightBut push onward, Lemmiwinks, with all of your might."
Frog King,"Lemmiwinks, you are coming to the entrance of the small intestine. Now you must seek out the Sparrow Prince."
Singers,"The Sparrow Prince lies somewhere way up ahead.Don't look back, Lemmiwinks, or you'll soon be dead.Lemmiwinks, Lemmiwinks, the time is growing lateSlow down now and seal your fate."
Sparrow Prince,"I am the Sparrow Prince. Long has my spirit been trapped within this place. Before you lies the maze of the small intestine. One path leads to the stomach, the other to certain doom. Take with you this helmet and torch.  Let them be your guide."
Singers,"Take the magic helmet torch to help you light the way.There's still a lot of ground to cross inside the man so gay.Ahead of you lies adventure, and your strength still lies within.Freedom from the Ass of Doom is the treasure you will win."
Camp Warden,Today we will be using the fingerpaint! You vill make a painting that shows people of different races and sexual orientations getting along. Fingerpaint. Fingerpaint!  You vill not make any distinction between people of different colors! People with different sexual preferences! You vill accept everyone!  What are you fingerpainting?!
Kyle,"Uh, a bear?"
Camp Warden,Ein bear?! Und bear has nothing to do with accepting people of different races!
Kyle,"Eh I, I don't know what else to paint."
Camp Warden,Start over!  You will fingerpaint what we tell you!  GO!  Faster.  Faster!  Faasterr.
Kyle,Aaaa!
Camp Warden,Faster! Are you done?! What is it?! What have you done?!
Kyle,People of all colors and creeds holding hands beneath a rainbow!
Camp Warden,"GOOD!  That wasn't so hard, was it?  NOW DO IT AGAIN!  Faster!  Faasterr!"
Mr. Garrison,"There! I've done it, Mr. Slave. The perfect plan to get us fired. You finished your costume design yet?"
Mr. Slave,"Almost. I just have to get through a su-  Uh-huc, Jesus Christ."
Mr. Garrison,What's the matter?
Mr. Slave,"Mm, Just a bit of an upset stomach, I guess."
Mr. Garrison,"Well here, take a Pepto pill. I can't have my teacher's ass under the weather."
Mr. Slave,"Eugh, Jesus Christ."
Singers,Lemmiwinks came to the stomach far.'Neath the depths of the lungs and heart.
A Catfish,"You chose your path wisely, Lemmiwinks. I am the Catatafish."
Singers,Catatafish of the stomach's cove.
Catatafish,"If you answer this riddle, the esophagus will let you pass."
Singers,Catatafish riddle will soom be told.
Camp Warden,Everything in order?
Camp Soldier,"Yes, mein Führer. Ve are making the prisoners make macaroni pictures that illustrate diversity in the verkplace."
Camp Warden,Eh-xcellent!
Kyle,Oh.
Stan,"Kyle.  Kyle, you have to keep making your macaroni pictures."
Kyle,Can't... glue... any... more.
Stan,"The guards are coming, Kyle. Glue. Glue, damn you!"
Camp Warden,Take this one away. He is done for.
Stan,Butters!
Butters,No more... arts and crafts...
Stan,Jesus... we have to get out of here.
Girl 1,Please don't tell them that we're hiding here.
Girl 2,We can't work anymore. We'll die.
Camp Soldier,Vhat?  Waht?!
Cartman,"Oh. Uh, nothing. I was just getting back to work."
Camp Soldier,Vhat is in there?
Cartman,Nothing.
Camp Soldier,Get back to verk.
Cartman,Yes sir!  Phew.
The Girls,Eww! Eww! Eww!
Cartman,"Hey, I was kidding. There's actually two girls hiding down there. Hey!"
Tour Guide,Tonight we are here to honor an amazing fourth grade teacher with the Courageous Teacher award.  Herbert Garrison came out about two years ago. Since then he has faced adversity. He has even faced ridicule by some of the students.
Sharon,"Oh Randy, I'm so ashamed of our son."
Tour Guide,It is my honor to present the Courageous Teacher award to... Herbert Garrison.
Mr. Garrison,"Get along, little Slave."
Randy,Oh my God.
Gerald,That's what our boys were talking about?
Mr. Garrison,"Ding-ding, ding-ding."
Man 1,He is so courageous.
Mr. Garrison,"Say, Mr. Slave."
Mr. Slave,"Yes, Mr. Garrison?"
Mr. Garrison,I had a dream last night that you were a real dick.
Mr. Slave,Really? Why would you dream that I was being an asshole?
Mr. Garrison,"No no, I was the asshole."
Man 2,"Ogh, that is so courageous."
Man 3,What an amazing human being!
Mr. Garrison,"Uh, I uh I'm very happy to get this award. Uh but you know what makes me even happier? Sucking balls."
Audience,Ahh
Mr. Garrison,"It isn't working. Sing your song, Mr. Slave."
Mr. Slave,"I've got a little- Oof.  Ohoc, Jesus Christ. What's happening in there?"
Frog King,"Hang on, Lemmiwinks! You solved the Catatafish's riddle. Now your trials are nearly through!"
Mr. Slave,Oh! I should have never shoved all those poor animals up my ass!
Mr. Garrison,Uh...
Man 4,Courageous.
Man 5,So courageous.
Mr. Garrison,"God-damnit, don't you people get it?! I'm trying to get fired here!"
Man 3,"Oh, that's courageous."
Mr. Garrison,"Look, this kind of behavior should not be acceptable from a teacher!"
Mr. Slave,"Yeah, Jesus Christ."
Man 6,But the mu-se-um tells us to be to-le-rant
Man 3,Yes. The mu-se-um.
Man 7,The mu-se-um tells us.
Mr. Garrison,"Tolerant, but not stupid! Look, just because you have to tolerate something doesn't mean you have to approve of it! If you had to like it, it'd be called the Museum of Acceptance!  ""Tolerate"" means you're just putting up with it! You tolerate a crying child sitting next to you on the airplane or, or you tolerate a bad cold. It can still piss you off! Jesus Tapdancing Christ!"
Randy,"He's right. Our boys didn't hate homosexuals, they just hated the way this asshole was acting."
Gerald,We'ge gotta get our boys back!
Mr. Garrison,"Ogh! Okay, so now can I PLEASE get fired and get my 25 million dollars?!"
Principal Victoria,"No, no, I think I have a better idea."
Randy,"We're sorry, boys. Why didn't you tell us your teachers were acting so over-the-top?"
Sheila,Yes. You boys don't know how much we suffered.
Chris,"Come on, let's go."
Mr. Garrison,But this is insane!
Principal Victoria,"I'm sorry Mr. Garrison, but it's obvious you aren't tolerant of your own behavior."
Camp Warden,"Vhat do we have here? Noo recruits? I assure you, the next veek will be nothing but pain and suffering!"
Mr. Slave,"Oooo, this could be kind of fun."
Singers,Lemmiwinks has made it out and his tale is nearly through
Catatafish,"Great job, Lemmiwinks."
Sparrow Prince,Thanks to you we are all free.
Frog King,"But your adventures are just beginning, for you are no ordinary gerbil, Lemmiwinks. You are the Gerbil King."
The Three Spirits,All hail the Gerbil King.
Liane,Be careful with my baby.
Blonde Nurse,What have we got?
Paramedic 1,Not sure. It looks like a possible code five six!
Cartman,Kenny. Can't have Kenny.
Liane,"You're going to be okay, baby."
Dr. Doctor,"Five me 50 cc's of ketamine, STAT. And get something for the kid, too."
Liane,Is he going to be okay?
Liane,Doctor! Did you find out what's wrong with him?
Dr. Doctor,I'm afraid he's... running out of time.
Liane,Why?? What's wrong with him??
Dr. Doctor,It's his time. It's ...running out.
Liane,"Well, what does he need?"
Dr. Doctor,He needs to have more time.
Liane,What can we do?
Dr. Doctor,"Well, I suppose we could try a time transplant. I'll have to call in a specialist."
Liane,"It's going to be okay, baby. We're going to get you more time."
Cartman,"Ey Kenny! God-damn you, Kenny!"
Chef,"Hello there, children."
Stan,"Chef, Cartman is in the hospital. They think he might die."
Kyle,"Yeah, and, we don't know whether or not we should care."
Chef,Well what's wrong with him?
Stan,"Well, nobody seems to know, but we think it's because he drank Kenny's soul four weeks ago."
Kyle,"Kenny's ashes were in an urn, and Cartman drank it, thinking it was chocolate milk mix."
Chef,"Children, why didn't you tell me about this sooner?"
Kyle,"Well like we said, we didn't know whether or not we should care?"
Chef,"Well, you should. Cartman is your friend whether you like him or not! Now, come on! We've gotta get to that hospital!"
Liane,He's looking a little better today.
Dr. Doctor,"Yes, but his time is still getting weaker. It will give out soon unless we do something."
Cartman,Hey you guys! How's it goin'?
Chef,Cartman?
Stan,"No, that's Kenny."
Cartman,What the hell are you assholes doing here?!
Stan,That's Cartman.
Chef,"Oh my God! Eric, how long have you been channelin' Kenny?"
Cartman,"Oh, about a month."
Dr. Doctor,Let's not validate his delusions.
Chef,"Kenny? Kenny, do you know what you need to get free?"
Cartman,He's gone again.
Chef,"Ms. Cartman, we need to get Cartman to a meeting room to speak with people who have crossed over."
Dr. Doctor,What?? That's preposterous! What this child needs is a time transplant!
Chef,This hospital isn't gonna do any good. We need to take him to see John Edward.
Stan,"Hey, I've seen that guy. He has a TV show where he brings people on and talks to their dead relatives."
Chef,That's right. We have to go see him in New York.
Dr. Doctor,"I warn you, Ms. Cartman. Your son's time could give out at any minute. He needs to be kept here where his time could be monitored."
Liane,"Oooh, what should I do? I'm playing roulette with my child's life!  Ooo wait, Hairspray is showing in New York, isn't it? Let's go there."
Chef,Good. You children need to come too. Eric needs all the support he can get right now.
Kyle,We're gong to New York?
Flight Attendant,Welcome aboard Flight 673 to New York. We are happy to show you a feature film during the flight. In a moment we'll be showing a preview.
Kyle,Oh cool. We get to watch a movie?
Stan,Awesome!
Announcer,Rob Shneider was an animal.  Then he was a woman.  And now Rob Schneider is...  a stapler.  And he's about to find out...  that being a stapler  is harder than it looks. Rob Schneider is... The Stapler.  Rated PG-13
"Stan, Kyle",Weak!
Cartman,"Ha-heheheh.  That was Kenny laughing, not me."
Chef,This must be the place.
Page,"Okay audience members, hi, welcome to the taping of the show.  It's all general seating in there, and just remember, Mr. Edward might not hear from the particular dead person you wanna talk to, so just... keep an open mind."
Chef,"Don't worry, Eric. I'm sure he will be able to help you."
Announcer,"Ladies and Gentlemen, John Edward."
John Edward,"Thank you, thank you. Alright let's get started.  'S coming from over here. 'S the name Mike mean anything to anybody?  I'm getting um, I'm getting M-mike? Definitely an M, d'um, maybe Matt? Mike? Matt? Mi-mmm, Mi-Mike, m-Mary?"
Man 1,Mary was my mother!
John Edward,"Okay okay, and she-she's she died?"
Man 1,Yes. Yeh-yes she did.
John Edward,"Okay, and she's telling me there's something about... the money. That the, the money is safe? Is that making sense?"
Man 1,M-mm-m. Not really.
John Edward,"Must be from somewhere else in the audience, then. Uh, d'uh, money? Is someone el-"
Stan,"Uh, over here please?"
Kyle,We have a dead friend.
John Edward,"Uh d'eh'hm quiet, quiet down boys. It doesn't work that way. Uh, okay, I I'm getting ...someone now whose name is g-, a t-. It's an l-, it's a m-, it's k-."
Cartman,Kenny!
John Edward,Kenny says hi.
Audience members,Wow!  wow...
John Edward,"Okay, now I'm getting that Kenny ...died?"
Stan,We told you that.
John Edward,"And, and this wasn't, this wasn't a good death. It was like a, it was a sad death. It was like a, it was like a death that made people sad. Does that make sense?"
Kyle,Yee-yeah.
Audience members,"Oh, wow, that's incredible! Wow!"
Chef,"Look uh, Mr. Edward, can you just ask Kenny how we can get him out, please?"
John Edward,"Doesn't work that way.  Now, Kenny is telling me that... you're his best friends, and he's in a ss-safe place."
Stan,"No no, he's trapped in Cartman's body."
John Edward,"Ohh, there's somebody with him. Who's Kyle?"
Kyle,I'm Kyle.
John Edward,"Oh right. And uh, did an older woman pass, she's asking for Kyle? Maybe a grandma?"
Kyle,Yeah. My Grandma.  She's here?
John Edward,"She says there was something she asked you to do, and you're not doing it? She wants you to look for four white doves."
Kyle,Oh my God!
John Edward,Oh now she's sending me a P word. Maybe it's a puh-? Or a huh-?
Woman 1,My Harry died last year!
John Edward,"Oh, it's comin' from over here.  I'm getting all kinds of voices today.  Woo!"
Stan,Heh hey wait a minute dude.
John Edward,"Okay now Harry. He's telling me... oh well, he's saying that you two used to... do things."
Woman 1,Mmm-hmm.
John Edward,And that those things involved... stuff?
Woman 1,"The things did involve stuff, yes."
Chef,"Aw man, I can't believe I got fooled by that asshole!"
Stan,He seemed better on TV?
Chef,Yeah. They must edit his shows down on television to only show him getting mostly right answers.
Kyle,Grandma's watching me. Always watching me.
Stan,"Dude, you don't believe that guy talked to your grandma, do you?"
Liane,Eric?  It must be his time. I think it's running out!
Chef,We've got no choice. The only people I know now who might be able to help Eric are my parents. We'll have to take the next flight to Scotland.
Chef,"Okay children, this is your flight back to Colorado. Your parents are meeting you at the airport in Denver."
Stan,We don't get to go to Scotland?
Liane,It's too far and your parents want you back home.
Stan,"Oh well. Good luck getting Kenny out of you, fatso."
Cartman,"Thanks, asshole."
Chef,"Come on, we gotta catch our plane. You children get right on that plane now."
Announcer,This is the final boarding announcement for Flight 342 to Denver.
Stan,That's us. Come on.
Kyle,Four white birds!
Stan,Huh?
Kyle,There's four white birds!  This is what Grandma wants? She wants me to attend Jewleeard.
Stan,"Dude, you were going to see four white birds eventually."
Kyle,So is it a coincidence that Grandma DID talk to me about going to Jewleeard someday?
Stan,"Yes. Now, come on. Our plane is gonna leave."
Kyle,I'm not going back.
Stan,What??
Kyle,I have to join Jewleeard and make Grandma proud!  Tell my parents I'll call them.
Stan,"Kyle. No, Kyle! Aw crap!"
Stan,"Hey, uh, I need to talk to Mr. Edward, please."
Butler,He doesn't do private readings.
Stan,"I'm not here for a reading, I just need to ask him something real quick."
Butler,"Alright, come on in."
Butler,Just wait here. I'll go fetch him.
Stan,Jesus Christ.
Butler,Here he is.
Prerecorded Voice,"Ladies and Gentlemen, John Edward."
John Edward,"Thank you, thank you."
Stan,"Hey uh, I need to ask you a big favor. You, you did a reading on my best friend and uh, well you kind of messed him up."
John Edward,Oh.  The John Edward show is not liable for opinions and materials given for entertainment purposes only.
Stan,"Look, my friend Kyle won't fly back home to Colorado. All I need you to do is just talk to him and tell him, you know, the whole talking to dead people isn't for real."
John Edward,Maybe it is for real.
Stan,"Right, but it's not. It's a trick you do and I need you to just let my friend Kyle know that so he can go on with his life."
John Edward,"Look, people have the right to be skeptical. I really hear voices in my head."
Stan,"Yes. We all hear voices in our heads. It's called ""intuition."" Get over yourself and tell my friend it's just for fun."
John Edward,"Look, what I do doesn't hurt anybody. I give people closure and help them cope with life."
Stan,"No, you give them false hope and a belief in something that isn't real."
John Edward,But I'm a psychic.
Stan,"No dude, you're a douche."
John Edward,I'm not a douche! What if I really believe that dead people talk to me?
Stan,Then you're a stupid douche
John Edward,"I think I've had of your bullying me! Get out of my house or I'll runs upstairs, lock myself in my panic room and call the police!"
Stan,I'm nine years old.
John Edward,"I'm not talking to your friend and I'm not a douche!  You'd better get out of my house, 'cause I'm gonna call the police!"
Stan,"You are so a douche! I'm nominating you for the Biggest Douche in the Universe award, you douche!  Son of a bitch."
Cartman,"Hey Kenny! Shut up, Kenny! You shut up, fatass!"
Liane,"Hang in there, sweetie. We'll be there soon."
Pilot,Welcome aboard Scotland Air. Our trip to Edinburgh should take about twelve hours.
Cartman,Twelve hours?? Jesus Christ!
Pilot,In the meantime we'd like to show you a complimentary film.
Cartman,"Oh, good."
Announcer,"Rob Schneider is a Wall Street executive  With everything going for him.  Only problem is, he's about to become...  a carrot!"
Rob Schneider,I'm a carrot!
Announcer,It's 24-carrot comedy.
Rob Schneider,Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ohh!
Announcer,Rob Schneider is a Carrot. Rated PG-13.
Cartman,"Oh for the love of Christ.  I wanna watch, fat boy!  No, Kenny, it's not funny!"
Stan,Kyle! Kyle!
Kyle,"Don't try and stop me, Stan! This is what my grandma wants!"
Stan,"Look, I went and saw that John Edward guy. He's just a big douche."
Kyle,He's not a douche! He talked to my grandma!
Stan,"Kyle, you can't ruin your life based on what some douchey psychic said. They all just use a technique called ""cold reading."" They've used it for hundreds of years to make people believe them."
Man 2,"Hey, whoa now. John Edward is for real."
Stan,"No, he's not."
Woman 2,Yeah. My sister told me he knew our mother's name and when she died.
Construction Worker,"John Edward? Oh yeah, I heard he walked up to a guy on the street, and said his dead father wanted to say ""Happy Birthday,"" and it WAS his birthday."
Woman 3,"Yeah kid, how do you explain that?"
Stan,"Alright, look. I'll show you. I just need a volunteer. How about you?"
Woman 4,Oh-ho. Me?
Stan,"Okay, I'm gonna pretend that a dead person is talking to me about you, okay?"
Woman 4,Okay.
Stan,"Okay, watch, Kyle. Uh, it's an older man, someone very close to you."
Woman 4,My father?
Stan,"Does this month, November, hold a special significance?"
Woman 4,My birthday's in November!
Stan,"Right, because he's saying, ""Tell her 'Happy Birthday.'"""
Woman 4,Oh my God.
Stan,"See, Kyle? I just started with something really vague. I chose an older man because I'm betting that, based on this woman's age, her father is most likely dead. But if her father wasn't dead, I could still say it was some other older man."
Man 2,Well then how'd you know her birthday was in November?
Stan,"I didn't. I just asked her if November meant anything. Her father could have died in November, or Thanksgiving could have been really special for them. But I go with the birthday and validate it now, as if I knew, by saying ""He wishes you a Happy Birthday."""
Woman 4,What else does he say?
Stan,"Okay, I'll just use an old standard. He saying ""the money. Stop worrying about the money."""
Woman 4,Oh my God! My sister and I have been fighting over his inheritance.
Woman 3,That's amazing.
Stan,"No it isn't! When a father dies, inheritance is usually an issue, and money is something everyone worries about."
Man 3,That sounds a little too coincidental.
Man 4,Yes. There's only one explanation. This kid can communicate with the dead!
Adults,Wow!
Stan,What?!
Man 2,Do me next. I wanna talk to my mother.
Woman 3,Can you try to reach my grandfather.
Stan,No wait.
Construction Worker,You have to tell me if my sister's in a good place.
Man 5,"Yeah, help me out too, 'k?"
Man 6,I'm next. I'm next.
Man 7,"Hey, get out of my way!"
Man 8,Do me!
Scout,"Kid, how would you like your own talking to the dead show?"
Chef,Hi Pop.
Thomas McElroy,"Junior! Aw, son, it's good to see you now."
Chef,"These are my friends, the Cartmans."
Thomas,"Well come on in out of the cold now.  There's heavy fog on the moors tonight.  Well, look what the cat dragged in, Nelly."
Nelly,"Oh, my baby come home!"
Chef,"Hi, Momma!"
Nelly,"Lord, I thought you wasn't comin' till nine."
Chef,"Mom, this is my friend, Ms. Cartman."
Liane,"Please, call me Liane."
Nelly,"So nice to have you here, Liane."
Thomas,And is this the children you told us about?
Chef,"Yeah, Pop. This is Eric."
Thomas,"Well, let's see here now.  Mhm, mhm, mhm.  Yeup! There's definitely more than one children in there."
Liane,Oh dear.
Thomas,"Nelly, you best have at it now."
Nelly,"Oh Lord, and I just put the roast in the oven, too.  Ain't gonna have no time now to baste it. Don't nobody blame me, a woman can't bake no roast and do everything else at the same time.  Can't say that the roast is gonna be terrible, maybe just a little dry.  But I suppose we can make some extra gravy to take the dryness out later."
Thomas,"Alright, children, stand up on this chair now."
Cartman,Right now?
Thomas,"Yes, right now."
Nelly,Na kamaa karash meh nah-
Cartman,"Whoa, whoa, watch it lady."
Nelly,Come out now. Come out now.
Thomas,"Just stay still, Eric. Mom knows what she's doing."
Nelly,You all come out of there now.
Announcer,"At a vary young age one young boy learned he had a special gift. This is ""The Other Side."""
Stan,"Okay, listen to me. Listen very carefully.  This is a trick that I am doing. Okay? Watch. All I'm gonna do is say a name that I'm gonna pick at random. Okay?  They want me to acknowledge Pete, or Peter."
Woman 5,"Yes! Yes, my Peter!"
Audience,Wow!!
Stan,"No! Stop clapping! All I did was pick a random name and wait for somebody in the audience to give a response. Now that I see that there's a lone woman crying, my instinct tells me Peter was her husband. So I say, ""Peter was your husband?"""
Woman 5,"Yes, yes! Yes, my husband Peter!"
Audience,Wow!!
Woman 6,Oh wow!
Stan,Stop it! I didn't do anything!
Man 9,You knew Peter was dead!
Stan,"I didn't start by saying Peter is dead! I started by saying, ""They want me to acknowledge Peter."" That could have meant Peter was in the audience or that Peter was somebody's friend, or Peter had died. I couldn't be wrong, see? Now, I can look at this woman and see that she's fairly young, so odds are her husband was fairly young when he died. So I can say something like, ""I'm getting that Peter's death was very untimely"""
Woman 6,"Yes, it was."
Audience,Wow!!
Man 10,Amazing!
Woman 7,Ask Peter if he knows my little Billy.
Stan,Okay. Let's back up.  Not literally!
Thomas,In the name of all that is holy we command this spirit be set free!
Cartman,"Ahh, Aahhhh!"
Thomas,There we go! We're gettin' somethin' now!
Nelly,"Come on out, spirit. Go!"
Thomas,Come on out hyow! It's safe!  Here it comes! The spirit is comin' out hyuh!
Nelly,"Oooo, that's the potatoes."
Thomas,"Well hold on the potatoes two seconds, woman!  The soul's comin' out hyuh!  It's almost done. Alright, son. Now bring me the victim child!"
Chef,The victim child?
Thomas,"Yeah. You know, the child that we sacrifice so we could Kenny's soul into its body."
Nelly,"Oh Lord, they didn't bring a victim child."
Chef,Where were we gonna find a child to secrifice?
Nelly,We weren't gonna ask you where you got it from.
Thomas,God-damnit! The spirit's out and it don't have no where to go!
Nelly,"Lord, Thomas, don't let it get on the curtains."
Announcer,"Rob Schneider derp de derp.  Derp de derpity derpy derp.  Until one day, the derpa derpa derpaderp.  Derp de derp.  da teedily dumb."
Rob Schneider,Whoa!
Announcer,"From the creators of Der, and Tum Ta Tittaly Tum Ta Too, Rob Schneider is Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb. Rated PG-13."
Stan,"Here. Look, Kyle. I found tons of testimonials on the Internet saying that John Edward has the entire studio wired to hear what people are talking about before the show. And, he pays actors to be plants in the audience."
Kyle,You're just jealous he's a better psychic than you.
Stan,"Fine, I give up! You wanna stay in New York?! Then go ahead!"
John Edward,"So, you think you can talk to dead people better than me, huh?!"
Stan,"No, I don't think either of us can."
John Edward,"They told me your show is getting better ratings than mine, that you're saying I'm a fraud on your show! You'd better not ever call me a liar, or a fake, or a douche again, or else I'll sue you for slander!"
Stan,"I'm saying this to you, John Edward, you are a liar, you are a fake, and you are the biggest douche ever!"
John Edward,Everything I tell people is positive and gives them hope! How does that make me a douche?!
Stan,"Because the big questions in life are tough: Why are we here? Where are we from? Where are we going? But if people believe in asshole douchey liars like you, we're never gonna find the real answer to those questions. You aren't just lying, you're slowing down the progress of all mankind, you douche!"
John Edward,I'M NOT A DOUCHE! And I challenge you to a psychic showdown! I'll prove to the world that I'm psychic and you're not!
Stan,"Fine, douche!"
John Edward,I'm not a douche
Thomas,"Well come on, the soul's in here! It can't escape now.  It's goin' to the light! Unfortunately, it's the livin' room light."
Nelly,"I'll open a window, you try to chase it out, Thomas."
Thomas,"Go on now, soul now!"
Nelly,"Here, spirit, come out the window.  I'll give you tree-fiddy."
Thomas,"Now don't go offerin' the soul no tree-fiddy, woman!"
Nelly,I'm just tryin' to persuade it.
Thomas,"Well I know, but you can at least start at about two quarter or somethin'  Aw Christmas, there it goes again!"
Nelly,"It's headin' for the kitchen! Aw, Thomas, the pot roast!"
Thomas,Over here!
Liane,Get it down.
Nelly,Don't let it get in the roast!
Thomas,Oh. Well. I guess the child's a pot roast now.
Chef,What do we do with it now?
Nelly,Well I'll wrap it up with some plastic wrap so you can take it home with ya. Should last a few months in the freezer.
Cartman,"Hey, ah I feel a lot better."
Chef,"Eric, you're okay!"
Liane,"Oh, baby, your time is back!"
Nelly,This child is clean.
Announcer,"Ladies and Gentlemen, it's ""Psychic Showdown."" Here are John Edward, and Stan Marsh."
John Edward,"Thank you.  Alright, asshole! I know you're here to try to throw me off, so go ahead. Give my your best shot!"
Stan,"No, I don't wanna talk to you. I wanna talk to the audience."
John Edward,Wah-why?
Stan,"You see, I learned something today. At first I thought you were all stupid, listening to this douche's advice, but now I understand that you're all here because you're scared. You're scared of death and he offers you some kind of understanding. You all want to believe in it so much, I know you do. You find comfort in the thought that your loved ones are floating around trying to talk to you, but think about it: Is that really what you want? To just be floating around after you die, having to talk to this asshole?  We need to recognize this stuff for what it is: magic tricks. Because whatever's really going on in life and in death is much more amazing than this douche."
Audience Members,Yes. Right. Yeah.
Kyle,"You're right, Stan. My Grandma isn't floating around, judging me and watching what I do. She's dead. Dead and gone forever."
Stan,Yeah.
John Edward,But I do have a special power! I know I do!
Stan,"There's nothing special about you, dude. Get over yourself."
John Edward,"God-damnit, I'm special!!"
Man 11,What the?
Woman 8,Aaaah!
Lead Alien,Greetings from the Jannex Galaxy.  We seek the great John Edward.
John Edward,Why that... that's me!
Lead Alien,"Sir, it is an honor to meet you."
John Edward,"Well, thank you very much!"
Stan,"No, it can't be."
Lead Alien,"I am Quagmar, and this is the Intergalactic BDIU Committee. Mr. Edward, it is my honor to inform you that you have been nominated for Biggest Douche In the Universe!"
John Edward,What?!
Alien 2,You are the first nominee from the Milky Way Galaxy.
Alien 3,Congratulations!
Stan,"Oh, dude!"
Alien 2,"If you step into our plabpa feed, we'll give you a first-class ride to the awards show."
John Edward,"No, wait! I'm not a douche! I make people feel good about themselves!  I give people resolution!"
Stan,Now do you people believe me?
Man 12,Well I don't know. How did Edward know my father died in March?
Cartman,God-damnit that was a long flight! I thought we'd never get out of stinky-ass smelly Scotland!
Liane,"Oh it's so good to have you acting like yourself again, sweetie."
Chef,"Well, come on. We'd better get Kenny back to his parents. Wait a minute. Who's got the pot roast?"
Liane,I thought you got it.
Cartman,It's still in baggage claims!
Chef,"Aw, damnit! Come on!  We've gotta find him! Kenny!"
Announcer,"Rob Schneider is a somewhat popular comedic actor  who seemed to have it all,  until one day, he came across a pot roast,  and his life changed forever.  Now he's sharing his body with an eight-year-old boy.  And he's about to find out  that being eight  ain't so great.  Rob Schneider is KENNY!  Rated PG-13."
Announcer,"Live, from the space station Xion, in the Vuntlin Galaxy. It's the Biggest Douche In the Universe Award!"
Lion-head Alien,This year's nominees are...
Bee Alien,"Quaglar the Destructor, Andromeda Galaxy, Planet J-11"
Lion-head Alien,"Damanta Unit 5, J-Lax Galaxy, Planet Neeu."
Damanta Unit 5,Derrr.
Bee Alien,"John Edward, Milky Way Galaxy, Planet Earth."
John Edward,I'm not a douche!
Lion-head Alien,"And finally, Ursula, the giant douche  from the Horsehead Nebula, Station J-12."
Bee Alien,"And the winner for Biggest Douche In the Universe is...  It's John Edward, Milky Way Galaxy, Planet Earth!"
John Edward,"Uh no, come on now!"
Frankenstein Alien,"Here he is, the Biggest Douche of the Universe! In all the galaxies, there's no bigger douche than you!You've reached the top, the pinnacle of douchedom! Good going, douche. Your dreams have come true!"
Announcer,Da derpa derpa derpaderp. Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb
Kyle,"Throw it away, Clyde!"
Clyde,I'm not gonna touch it. You throw it away.
Stan,What's going on?
Kyle,Some high schoolers left their marijuana cigarette behind. Uh we have to throw it away before some kids find it or something.
Stan,So throw it away.
Clyde,Nobody wants to touch it.
Kyle,What if the residue gets on our hands and it leads to harder drugs like those commercials say.
Craig,"Yeah, didn't you see that commercial where it says that if you have pot you could become a terrorist?"
Clyde,And the commercial where the two kids have pot and the one kids shoots the other. Harmless?
Stan,"You guys, those commercials are just exaggerations."
Token,How do you know? None of us had ever had any drugs before.
Jimmy,"Well, I did Ecstasy once.  Me and my girlfriend took it and we stayed up all night having... sex."
Kyle,...Where did you have sex with her?
Jimmy,"In her... va-vagina.  Thank you, thank you. What a terrific audience."
Stan,It's just a stupid plant that makes you dumb. Touching it won't hurt you.
Cartman,"Then you throw it away, smartass."
Stan,"Fine, I will.  There, see? I touched marijuana. I'm not a terrorist, I didn't shoot anybody, and I don't feel like doing more drugs now. No big deal."
Ozzy,You kids  don't  around with your  mom!
Jack,"Dad, we ing can't! It's a big ick a"
Sharon,"Stan, what did I tell you about watching The Osbournes?"
Stan,"Aw, come on, Mom."
Sharon,It's going to make you retarded!
Stan,"It's just a show! It doesn't have any fucking effect on me, for fuck's sake!"
Grandpa Marvin,Oh goody. Now we can watch the news.
Tom,"In other news, South Park police are still looking for a craaazy man who terrorized the town one hour ago.  The man claimed to be from the future and ran naked through the city streets screaming ""The past! The past! Oh my God, it's the past!"" Which is what one would expect someone in the future to yell."
Naked Man,"Oh my God, it's the past!  Oh, whoa man, it's you!"
Sharon,Who are you?
Naked Man,"It's me, Mom, your son Stan."
Randy,"Who is it, Sharon?"
Naked Man,Dad!
Randy,Dad?? Look! We don't know you and you don't know us! Just go away before we call the police!
Stan,"Who the fuck is is, Mom and Dad?"
Naked Man,"No way, it's me from the past!"
Stan,I'm me from the past?
Future Stan,"No, I'm you from the future!  Oh man, this is so messed up."
Randy,"Okay, we've had enough!"
Future Stan,"Your name's Randy Marsh, you're a geologist, and you don't like chicken. Mom, your maiden name is Kimble and you have a scar on your left knee from when you slipped in the swimming pool."
Sharon,"Randy, what's going on?"
Randy,I don't know.
Future Stan,"Dude, just let me talk to you for like, five minutes. After that I'll bail."
Future Stan,"I can still remember when I was five and you both found that squirrel I'd been keeping in the closet and, you let me keep it for another week and then it ran away but... I know that's just what you told me. I know that Mom had actually let it out."
Randy,How could he possibly know all that unless... he is our son from the future.
Sharon,"But why are you back in this time with us, son?"
Future Stan,"I have no idea, man. I was just about to go asleep in an alley behind the crackhouse,  and I shot up a little heroin, and then this electrical storm started. Next thing I knew I was running around in my own past, man. I thought... I was just tripping, but then I came down and I was still here. Oh, dude, it's so bizarre!"
Stan,"Oh dude, I should have never touched that marijuana!"
Randy,"Stan, whatever's happened, we going to help you."
Sharon,That's right. We're a family no matter what time shift.
Future Stan,Thanks. Can I get another beer?
Sharon,You must be exhausted. Why don't you get some sleep?
Future Stan,That'd be killer. Where can I crash?
Sharon,"Well I'm sure Stan wouldn't mind his room, would you, Stan?"
Stan,What?? I have to share my room with my future self?? Oh no!
Singer,"Here we are, face to face, ""My Future Self -n- Me"""
Stan,Stop it.
Singer,"So much alike, and yet so different"
Stan,No.
Singer,"One of them's messy, the other one's clean!Gettin' along isn't always easy, sometimes we disagree"
Stan,Quit it.
Singer,"But in the end we know we're good for each otherTwo peas in a pod, Future Self -n- MeFuture Self -n- Me, Future Self -n-Me"
Stan,Hey guys.
"Kyle, Cartman",Hey.
Future Stan,"Whoa, Kyle and Cartman! It's so cool to see you guys."
Cartman,Who's this asshole?
Stan,This is my future self. He came during the electrical storm last night and is caught in a time matrix. He's me when I'm 32.
Kyle,Wow. That's pretty cool.
Cartman,Then how does he know our names?
Kyle,"'Cause, r-tard, he's Stan from the future. He knows everything Stan knows."
Cartman,Ohhh. Wait. Stan becomes this douchebag?
Future Stan,"Yeah, I spent a lot of my teenage years on a slow downward spiral experimenting with drugs and alcohol."
Stan,"Shut up, Cartman!"
Cartman,That is so awesome!! Thank you God!  Oh praise God!
Kyle,"Hey, what happens to me in the future?"
Future Stan,"Oh, I don't know. You guys stayed away from drugs, so you're okay. I just lost touch with you after I was sent to Juvi Hall in 2006."
Cartman,Juvi Hall!  Stan's a loser! Stan's a loser!
Stan,God-damnit!
Stan,"Thanks for staying after school and tutoring me, Butters."
Butters,"Uh well, sure thing, Stan. Eh, how come you care about schoolwork all of a sudden?"
Stan,"I told you, I can't stand my future self. I have to do whatever I can to not become a loser like him."
Butters,"Well, studying is the golden key to the imposing door of success."
Stan,I just can't stand having my future self around all the time! It's driving me crazy!  Maybe if I get smarter I won't become him and I won't have to share my room!
Butters,"I know what you mean. I hate having my future self around, too."
Stan,"Yeah, it's like everything I do, he...  Wait a minute, what'd you say?"
Butters,"I said, I know how you feel. My life has gone completely downhill ever since my future self moved in. I hate him! All he ever wants to do is watch Becker. And that show is so stupid."
Stan,"Dude, how long has your future self been around?"
Butters,Oh. I guess it's been around four months now.
Stan,Four months?? And you never told anybody that you were living with yourself in the future??
Butters,Nobody asked.
Stan,Where is he now?
Butters,Probably watching Becker.
Becker,My name is T. Becker. The T stand for Terrific.
Butters,"See, here he is. Future Butters. Future self, this is my good friend,-"
Future Butters,Stan! Sure I remember you. Yep. Wearing that puff-ball hat like always.
Linda,"Oh, hello boys. Future Butters, it's time to take your liver medicine."
Stan,Liver medicine?
Butters,"Yeah. My future self has a bad kidney from all the drinkin' he did in high school.  I need to learn to behave myself!  Hey! Where are you going, Stan?"
Stan,"Alright, where is that son-of-a-bitch's wallet?!"
Butters,"Wha-, what are you lookin' for, huh Stan?"
Stan,"Butters, don't you think it's a little bit of a coincidence that both your future self and my future self got caught in a mexterdexed time plane?"
Butters,"Well they both got the same teacher for homeroom, too, but you didn't say anything then."
Stan,"Here it is.  It has to be something eh... Wait, what's this?  This expires in two thousand two. Why does he have this in his wallet?"
Butters,I don't follow.
Stan,"Three four five one Colfax Avenue. Come on, Butters."
Butters,Oh! Are we out for an adventure?
Stan,Here it is. Motivation Corp.
Butters,"I don't think we're supposed to go in there, Stan. Maybe we should go adventurin' somewhere else."
Stan,"Butters, part of being on an adventure is you go places you're not supposed to go."
Butters,"Oh. Well, you're good at adventurin', huh Stan?"
Stan,What the hell is going on here?
A voice,"It should take about a month to achieve the results you want.  Well, Mr. and Mrs. Brooks, I think you're going to be very pleased with the results."
Mr. Brooks,We sure hope so. We just don't know how to talk to our son about drugs.
Director,"Well now you won't have to! Ah, here he is. This is Josh Casher. He'll be playing the role of your future son."
Josh,"Nice to meet you, ""Mom and Dad."""
Mrs. Brooks,"My goodness, he does look a little like Kevin."
Director,"Yes, and he knows all your family history and every detail of your house. And he's worked up quite a future for your son."
Mr. Casher,"I'm going to tell him that I dropped out of school and went to prison for eight years, where I was sodomized. In the ass."
Mrs. Brooks,"Woohoo, that should get Kevin to stay clear of drugs."
Mr. Brooks,"Heh it sure should, heh."
Director,"Alright, then we'll put the fake news report out on Tuesday night. Make sure your son is watching the Channel 4 News."
Mr. Brooks,"Oh, and that's when uh you'll fake the electrical storm as well?"
Director,Motivation Corp. takes care of everything.  Just follow these simple scripts when your actor arrives.
Mrs. Brooks,"""Listen to me, you crazy person, there's no way you can be from the future."" Oh this is going to be fun."
Stan,I can't believe it! It's all a scam!
Butters,"Yeah, I can't believe it!"
Stan,They've all been lying to us this whole time!
Butters,"This whole time! I wonder if my future self knows anything about this?  Hey, maybe my future self remembers this happening, a-and can shed some light on this subject."
Stan,"Butters, don't you get it?! Those assholes aren't our future selves! Our parents hired them to make us more motivated!"
Butters,"Eh, but then why did they come back to the past"
Stan,"They didn't come back to the past, you dumbass, they're actors!"
Butters,Oh... Oohhhh.  But that's like they're lyin'
Stan,"It is lying, Butters. Your parents lied to you and my parents lied to me! Get it!"
Butters,"Ohhh, that makes me angry! Why, if Professor Chaos were here he'd make everyone pay!"
Stan,Who's that?
Butters,"You know, Professor Chaos, bringer of destruction and disorder!"
Stan,What?
Butters,"Follow me back home, Stan. It's time I let you in on a horrible s-secret!"
Butters,"Wait right here, Stan. I warn you: you may not like what you're about to see."
Stan,We have to teach our parents a lesson! Show them they can't just play with our emotions like that!
Butters,Now you know my terrible secret!
Stan,"...You're gay?  It's fine if you're gay, Butters. I don't care."
Butters,"Huh? Naw, I'm Professor Chaos, Stan."
Stan,"But we have to teach our parents a lesson, Butters! We're running away! Help me find the perfect place to run away to!"
Butters,"Mm. Uhm, maybe I used a little too much silver."
Butters,How about this? Winter Farm. It looks kinda nice.
Stan,"No, we gotta run away somewhere warm."
Butters,"Wow, look at this, Stan.  ""Are you sick of your parents? Do you want revenge for something they've done to you? Call the Parental Revenge Center of Western America for a free con-sul-ta-tion. Results guaranteed."""
Stan,"Dude, I didn't know there was such a thing."
Butters,"Hey look, somebody lost their pet."
Stan,"Uh, hi, is this the Parental Revenge Center of Western America?  Ah I'm really pissed off at my parents and I wanna impose swift and horrible revenge upon them?"
Butters,"Look, you can make your wiener bigger in just three weeks."
Stan,"Oh really? Oh, okay, uh where are you located, please?  Great, uumm, can I come by tomorrow?"
Butters,This lady'll massage your wiener for ninety-five dollars. Well that's a pretty good deal.
Stan,Eleven o'clock is great. Thank you.  That was easy! I just have to go to their office and they'll help me figure out how to get back at my parents!
Butters,"Hah-hey, I wanna get revenge on my douchebag parents, too."
Stan,"Fine, then you can come with me."
Butters,"Hooray!  And then we can make our wieners bigger, and have the lady massage them."
Stan,I guess this is it.
Stan,"Uh hello, we're here about the revenge on our parents?"
Cartman,"Yes, come in, please."
Stan,Cartman??
Cartman,"Oh, Stan, Butters, I didn't know it was you guys."
Stan,What the hell are you doing here?!
Cartman,"I'm running a business, Stan. Are you my eleven o'clock?"
Butters,You're the Parental Revenge Center of Western America??
Stan,"God-damnit, I knew this was too good to be true! Come on, Butters, let's go."
Cartman,"Eh, so, you don't want to make your parents suffer and pay for mistreating you, then?  Look, ah, I don't know what your parents did to you, but if you're here, I take it they pissed you off pretty good. Maybe you should at least ...hear what I have to offer?"
Stan,"Oh, sorry. I thought this was a legitimate business!"
Cartman,"That it is, I assure you. I started this business over three months ago from the ground up. I've been helping children get back at their parents ever since."
Stan,How many parents have you exacted revenge upon?!
Cartman,"Craig's. a-and Clyde's. Oh and and Kyle's, but that was a freebie. Look, I run a legitimate business here with state-of-the-art computers, charts, and technology. Look around you. I know how it feels to be really, really pissed off at your parents. And I will work hard, for you."
Stan,Our moms and dads lied to us about those future selves! It was just a trick to get us to not wanna try drugs or alcohol.
Cartman,"God-damnit! See? This is exactly why I started this business. If a parent can't respect their child, than who can they respect, huh?"
Butters,Yeah!
Cartman,"Listen! Parents understand one thing, and that's consequences. They need to see consequences from their actions, or else they'll never learn. What my company does is inflicts those consequences upon the parents in a very real and very direct way."
Stan,How much is this going to cost us?
Cartman,"Eighteen thousand dollars.  How about just... three hundred and eighty seven easy payments of a hundred ninety nine, ninety five.  How about five bucks?"
Director,"So, everything is working out with your future actor? Your son seems to be responding."
Randy,I think he's pretty scared alright.
Sharon,It's just a little weird having people lying to our boy like this.
Director,"Well, you know what us ultra-liberals say, when it comes to children and drugs, lies are OK. The ends justify the means. We'll take smoking, for instance. The truth is there's no hard evidence that second-hand smoke can kill but, we believe it's okay to lie about it as long as it gets people to stop smoking."
Sharon,Well that makes sense.
Director,"So it is with everything here at Motivation Corp. It's okay for us to lie and tell kids that all marijuana supports terrorism.  Or that... one pill of Ecstasy is gonna kill them. It's not necessarily true, but the ends justify the means."
Randy,"Well I think when this is all over, our son is gonna thank us."
Cartman,"Okay, Butters, let's start with you. I think I've found a great way to get revenge on your parents. Just... tell me if I'm going in the right direction here.  What we're going to do, Butters, is we're going to wait for your parents to leave the house, and then, smear all the walls... with poop."
Butters,Hwuhh. That'll make them awful sore.
Cartman,"Now, I want you to take a look at some of these poop swatches."
Butters,Poop- poop swatches?
Cartman,"Poop comes in a lot of varieties, Butters. I wanna find the perfect one, tailored to your revenge on your parents."
Butters,"Hey, that's neato, huh, Stan?"
Cartman,"Now, personally, I like the baby green.  But I also think the classic brown would go nicely with your house."
Butters,"Wow, Eh eh you sure are a p-professional, Eric! I don't know which swatch I like best."
Cartman,"Well, y-you know what we could do, uh, uh Butters, is go with the baby green in the living room, and then maybe a classic brown, or even a nut-n-corn crunch in your parents' bedroom."
Butters,Well that sounds good.
Cartman,"Okay, well let's do that then. That looks nice."
Butters,Hooray!
Cartman,"Alright, now, Stan. For you I've put together a really nice design. I feel your parents were a bit more cocky about lying to you and your revenge needs to reflect that. So what I wanna to is put a note on your parents' door, telling them I'm the counselor from the school."
Stan,Yeah.
Cartman,"The note will inform them that a problem has come up and they need to see me right-away, back at my office."
Stan,Yeah.
Cartman,Your parents will drive all the way out to the school and discover that no meeting is actually taking place.
Stan,Yeah!
Cartman,"And while they're gone, we're gonna smear all their walls with poop."
Butters,Wow! Neato!
Stan,"That's not neato, that sucks."
Cartman,What?
Stan,You're gonna smear Butters' parent's walls with poop. I thought his revenge was unique and customized!
Cartman,"Poop-smearing is the hot ticket right now, Stan, and... have you seen the poop swatches."
Stan,"Dude, that's not extreme enough! My parents aren't gonna learn their lesson from having some crap smeared on their walls! I want them to see what they did was wrong! I want them to have them to admit that they lied to me!"
Cartman,"Okay, okay, fine. I I just, I just, ...my first idea. That's why we have these consultations.  Okay, okay, lemme, lemme see here. Uh. Oh wait, oh this is nice. How about this: uh, we'll lure your parents out of the house, and then we'll kill them. Uh, we'll cut them up into little pieces and feed them to the dog"
Stan,Dude!
Cartman,Extreme enough for you? How's Wednesday?
Stan,"No, that's too extreme!"
Cartman,Well first it's not extreme enough and then it's too extreme; where do you want it?
Stan,"Just forget it, Cartman! You don't know what you're doing!"
Cartman,"I'm a professional, suh!  Don't worry about it, Butters. You're gonna be a hundred percent satisfied."
Stan,Hey future self.
Future Stan,"Yes, former self?"
Stan,"You know that thing that I kept hidden in the hold in the wall for two years that I've never told anybody about?  You know, the thing that I take out of the shoebox every night before I go to sleep?"
Future Stan,"Oh, uh..."
Stan,You must know what I'm talking about.
Future Stan,"Sure uh, uh,  oh man, could you all excuse me for a second? I think I'm gonna crap my pants."
Sharon,"Uh, Stan,  don't you think you're upsetting your future self a little?"
Randy,"Yeah, Stan, don't be so hard on yourself."
Stan,"Mom, Dad, I don't think that guy is from the future."
Randy,Oh. You. You don't?
Stan,"No.  You know what I think? I think this is all an elaborate hoax!  And I think that whoever is doing it doesn't have very much respect for me!  See, the best way to try to motivate somebody is by being direct with them, to be honest with them. I think the whole future self thing is a lie, and lies are never the right way to get your message across."
Randy,"Well, you know what I think, Stan?"
Stan,What?
Randy,I think he IS from the future.
Sharon,"Yeah, he must be.  It's like, I just feel he's our son, you know?"
Randy,"Right. That's mother's intuition; you can't argue with that. No, Stan, I think the only way you're gonna get of him is by staying clear of drugs and alcohol."
Sharon,Right.
Cartman,"Okay, very nice, very nice. Oh wait, uh, God-damnit! Felipe!  The classic brown poop is supposed to go in the parents' bedroom! The living room is supposed to be all baby green poop!"
Felipe,¿Qué? ¿La caca no esta aquí?
Cartman,"¡La caca de moreno no es aquí! ¡Aquí es verde, señor! ¡Es verde! ¡Arriba arriba!"
Felipe,"¡Sí, sí señor!"
Cartman,"Sí, gracias. ¿Y tú?  ¡Carlos! ¡Carlos, no! We want a textured effect on the nut-n-corn crunch poop. That's why we  spackle with the sponge.  See? Spackle gently. Lo marrado. Gently, see? Marrado."
Carlos,Sí. Marrado.
Cartman,Marrado. Spectacularrr.
Carlos,Sí.
Cartman,"God, it's so hard to find good help.  Ah! Butters, like what you're seeing so far?"
Butters,"Boy, it sure is stinky in here!"
Cartman,"Yeah, well, three hundred gallons of poop isn't gonna smell like a garden, Butters. But I think it's coming together real nice."
Butters,"Look, eh, Eric, I've been thinkin', my parents are gonna be awful sore and I don't think-"
Cartman,"Yes, well, I've done my job, haven't I?  ¡Pepite, Pepite, no! No come la taco la trabajar!"
Future Stan,"Yes, well, it's hard to find work in commercials, so I ended up-"
Randy,"Oh, Stan!"
Future Stan,"Oh, dude, how's it goin', man? Ey, you wanna go upstairs and play hide and go seek?"
Stan,"Hide and go seek, huh?!"
Randy,"Yeah, Stan, why don't you go upstairs and play with yourself?"
Stan,I don't believe that he's my future self!
Randy,"Yeah, but we can't be sure, so we'd better assume he is and never try that first marijuana cigarette, huh?"
Stan,"No, I actually have a way to be sure.  I'm going to cut off my hand. If he is my future self, then his hand will disappear."
Sharon,S-stanley you don't need to do that. He-he is your future self.
Stan,But I have to know for sure.
Randy,"Don't be silly, Stan. You don't wanna go through life without one of your hands."
Stan,Maybe it's the hand I smoked that first joint with. Here I go. I'm gonna do it.
Randy,Stan...
Stan,Yes?
Randy,Uh... nothing. Go ahead.
Sharon,Randy!
Stan,AAAH!
Randy,AAAHHH! Oh my God! Look!  What? His hand did disappear! He is you from the future!
Future Stan,"Oh, Jesus Christ! Help me!"
Stan,"That's weird, because I really didn't cut off my hand. It was fake."
Randy,"Uh..  Look, it was fake in the future, too."
Sharon,"Looks like you'd better really watch out for marijuana, huh Stan?"
Cartman,"Well Butters, I hope you like the work. I'm sure your parents will be plenty pissed off."
Butters,"Uh, and after my parents get angry, uh how do we get the poop off the walls?"
Cartman,"Ooo, ah, that's a different company.  Oh! Someone's here! We'd better run out the back! Pepite! Carlos! ­¡Vamonos!"
Butters,Uh but Cartman! Wait!  Oh Christmas!
Stan,Butters!
Butters,"Oh, Stan!"
Stan,"Butters, we've go-! Oh, God, it smells in here."
Butters,"Yeah, well, three hundred gallons of poop isn't gonna smell like a garden."
Stan,"Butters, we're running away!"
Butters,We are?
Stan,"Our parents are never gonna admit what they did was wrong, and they're never gonna change!"
Stephen,What the hell is this?!
Linda,"Oh my God, our house!"
Butters,"Oh Geez, ah, I'm gonna get it now"
Stephen,Butters! Do you have an explanation for this?!
Butters,"Oh, not really sir, I just uh..."
Linda,"Wait a minute. Chris, don't you see? This might be our fault."
Stephen,"What, uh-? My God. You're right, Linda. This is what we get for deceiving our son."
Stan,Huh?
Stephen,"Butters, listen. The whole future self thing, well, it was a dirty fib."
Linda,We just so desperately wanted you to never try drugs that we used a big scare tactic instead of ...telling you the truth.
Stephen,"We thought the ends justified the means, but they don't. They just... don't, son!"
Linda,"We're sorry, baby."
Stan,Get the fuck out of here.
Randy,"Stan! Stan! Oh. Okay, uh, you you might be wondering why Butters has a future self, too."
Sharon,"Yes, well, eh you see, son, the time matrix pulled in more people from the future."
Stan,"Aw, stop it, you guys! I know all about Motivation Corp.! All I've been trying to get you guys to do is admit that you lied to me!"
Randy,"Oh... Well... Son, we've just been trying to make sure you know how dangerous drugs like pot are."
Stan,"I've been told a lot of things about pot, but I've come to find out a lot of those things aren't true! So I don't know what to believe!"
Randy,"Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana probably isn't gonna make you kill people, and ...it most likely isn't gonna fund terrorism, but... Well son, pot makes yuu feel fine with being bored and... It's when you're bored that you should be learning some new skill or discovering some new science or... being creative. If you smoke pot you may grow up to find out that you aren't good at anything."
Stan,"I really, really wish you just would have told me that from the beginning."
Sharon,"He's right. If we use lies and exaggerations to keep kids off drugs, then they're never gonna believe anything we tell them"
Randy,"Well, there's only one person I can blame. Motivation Corp.!"
Director,"Oh God, who smeared crap all over our walls?! Oh Jesus, it smells! Oh!"
Randy,"You really did a nice job, Eric."
Stan,"Yeah, I gotta admit. You really came through. Thank you. I thought the hangover black went really nice in the lobby."
Sharon,"Well here, Eric, I baked you a huge box of cookies as a present."
Cartman,"Thanks. But you know, all this talk about future selves has made me think, maybe I should ...take better care of myself. I mean, maybe I should think about who I'm going to become."
Future Cartman,"Atta boy, Eric. You've made the right choice."
Cartman,Who the hell are you?
Future Cartman,"Haha, it's me, Cartman! You from the future.  I came back to tell you that this is the day you turn it all around. You stop eating junk food and you start studying harder, you stay away from drugs and alcohol and you become CEO of your own time-travel company!"
Cartman,"Oh wow, really? That's so awesome! Now I'll really work to be successful!"
Future Cartman,Right on!
Cartman,"Go have sex with yourself, asshole! I'm not that stupid! Just for that, I'm gonna spend my whole childhood eating what I want, and doin' drugs when I want!  Whatevuh! I'll do what I want!"
Future Cartman,"No, wait!  Oh, God-damnit!"
Kyle Schwartz,"Av-a-a-alright, I'm done."
Cartman,You're done?
Kyle Schwartz,"Ye-yes, I-I've tallied up all the times you've been naughty and deducted the times you've been nice."
Cartman,"Yeah, so how's it look?"
Kyle Schwartz,"It doesn't look good, Eric. It doesn't look good."
Cartman,"But I'll still be getting presents this year, right?"
Kyle Schwartz,a-a-aactually it looks like you're gonna owe Santa three hundred and six presents.
Cartman,What?!
Kyle Schwartz,"Four thousand three hundred and twelve instances of being naughty against three deductions of being nice, is, is bad."
Cartman,Three?? You didn't deduct all my nice invoices! Look look! What about this one?
Kyle Schwartz,"Yes, wa-a-I didn't think ""hitting Clyde in the balls with slingshot"" really counted as nice."
Cartman,It was nice for Token; he laughed for like 20 minutes.
Kyle Schwartz,"Ye you can't deduct things like that, Eric. Santa will know and then he'll come after you."
Cartman,"God-damnit I have to get that Haibo robot doll, you sonofabitch!"
Kyle Schwartz,"Hey hey,  I'm just your naughty-and-nice accountant! Don't blame me for the numbers!"
Cartman,"Haven't you seen the Haibo doll? It's like a pet, a robot pet. You have to feed it and pet it or else it dies, and it's the coolest thing ever! Santa has to bring me one!"
Kyle Schwartz,"But what, look, aren't there any other nice things you've done recently we can write off here?"
Cartman,Uh... Oh! I brushed my teeth last night!
Kyle Schwartz,"Eh... brushing your teeth isn't naughty or nice... Eric, it just, it falls more into the category of... brushing your teeth."
Cartman,Well there's still time before Christmas! Can't I still make up for it?
Kyle Schwartz,"If you cure cancer... and AIDS next week, you would still owe two presents."
Cartman,Jesus Christ!
Kyle Schwartz,"Ah I'm afraid you're gonna have to find a way to do... the nicest, greaatest thing anyone has ever done. Ever."
Mayor McDaniels,"Good evening, everyone. In a moment we'll be lighting the South Park Christmas Tree to kick off the holidays!"
Townsfolk,Hooray!! Christmas Tree! Christmas Tree!  Christmas Tree!
Cartman,"Hi guys!  Very Merry Christmas. God bless one, everyone!"
Kyle,"What are you doing, Cartman?"
Cartman,I'm just letting you know how special you are to me.
Mayor McDaniels,"But now, before we light the tree, I think we should all reflect for a moment on those who are less fortunate than us.  Right now in Iraq there are children who fear us and what we might do to their country. The threat of war touches us all, but over in Iraq, there is no Christmas. They have nothing."
Jimbo,Ah I hate when the Mayor uses Christmas for her own political agenda.  Light the damn tree!
Townsfolk,YEAH! Christmas Tree! Christmas Tree!
Cartman,"You guys, that's it!"
Kyle,What's it?
Cartman,"Don't you see? This time of year we should be bringing Christmas to the less fortunate! Follow me!  You guys, come on! Right now!"
Mayor McDaniels,"Ahalright, here to light the Christmas Tree is a very special young man who shows us all the true meaning of Christmas. Jimmy."
Jimmy,"Wow, what a terrific audience. Thank you for giving me this great honor, Mayor. B-before I l, l.. light the tree, I was wondering if I could sing... my favorite ...Christmas song, real quick."
Townsfolk,Awww
Mayor McDaniels,"Well, we'd love a Christmas song, wouldn't we, folks?"
Townsfolk,Christmas songs! Christmas songs! Christmas songs!
Jimmy,"Alright, h-here it goes. On the first day of C-...c...c.. chrih.. stmas my tr... t-tru-true love g-geh... g-g-geh... gave... to... m..m-m-m...m-mm-m-m... me... a pa... a pa... pah..."
Mr. Garrison,Oh no.
Cartman,"...and here's some old toys that I don't need anymore.  And here! Here's some Christmas cookies!  And some holly and mistletoe!  Oh, this'll the happiest Christmas the Middle East has ever seen! Guys, get those lights down from the door. We'll give them to the needy Iraqis, too."
Stan,"Cartman, why are you doing this?"
Cartman,"They don't have Christmas there, guys. We have to give it to them."
Kyle,That's a retarded idea that won't work. Why are you really doing this?
A voice,Hoooowwwwdy ho!
Kyle,Mr. Hankey!
Cartman,"Oh I hate this stupid Christmas poo.  Hello, Mr. Hankey! A Merry Christmas to you!"
Mr. Hankey,"Gee whiz, things sure look Christmasy out here. What are you boys doin'?"
Kyle,Cartman is trying to bring Christmas to Iraq.
Cartman,The people of Iraq deserve a good Christmas just like everyone else.
Mr. Hankey,"Well, gosh, Eric, looks like you really have the Christmas spirit!  I know someone who can help. Santa Claus!"
Cartman,Really?
"Stan, Kyle",Really?
Mr. Hankey,Sure. We should take this stuff to him right away!
Kyle,But how are we gonna get to the North Pole?
Mr. Hankey,"Oh, that's no problem! We just need a little Christmas magic.  All aboard the Poo Choo Express!"
Cartman,Wow!
Stan,"Wuh, that smells."
Kyle,Yeah.
Mr. Hankey,"Next stop, the North Pole!"
Cartman,Get the rest of the stuff you guys!
Stan,"Uh, I don't really wanna get on there."
Kyle,Me neither.
Cartman,"You guys, we have to bring Christmas to those less fortunate!  Now come on!"
Mr. Hankey,"Let's go, Poo Choo Train!"
Whistle,Poo Choo!
Mr. Hankey,Poo Choo Train's layin' down its tracks with a
Whistle,Poo Choo!
Mr. Hankey,All the way and back!
Cartman,"Poo Poo Train is my favorite thing, spreading Christmas joy as we ride and sing!"
Kyle,"Dude, what the hell has gotten into Cartman??"
Stan,I don't know.
Mr. Hankey,Christmastime wouldn't be the same without hugs and kisses and a Poo Choo Train.
Jimmy,...and a par-tridge in a... p...pear t...t...tree. On the third day of C...Chrihhh...Chriiii...
Mr. Hankey,"Here we are, kids. The North Pole."
Stan,Awww!
Kyle,Finally!
Stan,"God, it took forever!"
Cartman,"Wow, is that where Santa lives?"
Mr. Hankey,That's it. Santa's Fortress of Solitude.
Gnome 1,Mr. Hankey!
Mr. Hankey,We need to see Santa right away on urgent Christmas business.
Gnome 1,Sure thing!
Kyle,Hey. Aren't you guys the underpants gnomes?
Gnome 1,Ten months out of the year. But this time of year we help Santa!  Here he is!
Santa,Ho ho hoo! Merry Christmas!
"Stan, Kyle, Cartman",Wow!
Mr. Hankey,"Howdy ho, Santa!"
Santa,"Mr. Hankey, how are you?"
Mr. Hankey,All ready for Christmas?
Santa,I was just starting to look over the new naughty and nice list the gnomes prepared for me.
Cartman,"Oh, heh. Are the uh tabulations all closed up then?"
Santa,"Oh no, they keep it open until midnight of Christmas Eve. Some kids actually try to cram in a lot of niceness right at the end."
Cartman,"Oh, that's so lame of them."
Mr. Hankey,"Santa, my friends are trying to do something very special this Christmas. Tell him, Eric."
Cartman,"Well Santa, it's just that... I was thinking about the people in Iraq who are afraid that we might bomb them and I just thought, well, maybe it wouldn't hurt to send them a little bit of our Christmas spirit as well."
Santa,You know you're right. Santa hasn't been to that of the world in a looong time. Perhaps Santa could bring peace to this whole situation.
Cartman,That's what I thought.
Santa,Gnomes!  Load up the sleigh with toys! Santa's going to make a special run!
Mr. Hankey,All right!
Santa,And you boys can all watch me from our flight control room.
Cartman,Hooray!
Jimmy,...and a par-tridge in a... p...pear tree. On the ...fourth day of C...C...Ca...Chriiiistmas my t-true love g-ge-gave to me-mee.
Gnome 1,"This is Santa's flight control center. From here, we can monitor Santa from satellite as he travels the globe delivering presents."
Kyle,"Wow, cool!"
Mr. Hankey,"Hey, it looks like Santa has already made it to Baghdad."
Santa,"Ho ho hoo! Merry Christmas, everyone!  Ho ho hoo! A Merry Christmas to all!"
Iraqi Man 1,Paka klakalaka
Iraqi Man 2,Anah kakadakadaka.
Santa,Merry Christmas!  I'm hit! I'm hit!
Gnome 1,Sleigh is hit! I repeat! Sleigh is hit!
Gnome 2,Ultimate failure at o-sixhundred feet!
Santa,Hold on!  Sleigh is going down!
Gnome 1,Sleigh is going down! I repeat! Sleigh is going down!
Stan,"Hang on, Santa!"
Gnome 3,Sleigh 1 is going down! We are going down!
Gnome 4,Don't look down! Don't look down! Repeat! Don't look down!
Gnome 1,"We got a red sleigh down. We got a red sleigh down.  Red Sleigh 2, this is North Pole.  Red Sleigh 1, this is North Pole.  Mr. Kringle?"
Gnome 5,"Jesus Christ, they killed him!"
Cartman,No! Santa Claus can't be dead. He... He can't.
Stan,Why would Iraqis do that? Why?
Mr. Hankey,It certainly doesn't seem very Christmasy of them.
Santa,North Pole. This is Santa.
Mr. Hankey,Santa! Are you alright?
Gnome 2,What is your status?
Santa,"Sleigh is down. Reindeer... all dead. Both Santa's legs are broken. Santa's... very sad. Santa will have to... oh no. They're coming for me!  Stay back, you bastards! Stay back!"
Stan,Oh no.
Cartman,Well what are you gnomes sitting there for?! You have to go rescue him!
Gnome 5,What the hell are we supposed to do?! We're like nine inches tall!
Cartman,Now I'm never gonna get my Haibo robot doll!
Kyle,Is that what this is all about?!  You came up with this whole idea so you could get a stupid toy?!
Cartman,"It's not stupid! It's a toy that you can starve! If you don't feed it, it dies. It's sooo cool."
Stan,"Well good going, asshole! Thanks to you, there's not gonna be any Christmas, and there's no one left to help us!"
Cartman,"Oh, Christ."
"Stan, Kyle, Cartman",Jesus!
Mr. Hankey,"Hey, that's right. Jesus can save anybody."
Gnome 2,Follow me. You can take Santa's backup sleigh.
Jimmy,"On the fifth... day... day of... Christmas,  ...my t-true love gave to... uh... me. Five g-g-g... golden ruh-ring... rings.  Fuhgom... don... t-t... don... four cal...ling buh-irr"
Gnome 2,We fed Jesus Christ's data into the autopilot. This slide should be able to take you right to him.
Stan,"I hope so, or else Santa Claus is as good as dead."
Gnome 2,Here it is. Red Sleigh 2.
Cartman,"Come on, gang, it's up to us to save Christmas!"
Mr. Hankey,Tell Santa's workers to keep making toys. We'll have Santa back in no time!
Kyle,"Uhhh, how d- how do we start this thing?"
Gnome 2,You just have to call out the reindeer's names.
Cartman,"Oh yeah! On Dasher, on Prancer, on Comet-"
Gnome 2,"No, no, they're all dead. You have to call out the new ones.  On Steven, on Fluffy, on Horace, on Chantel. On Skippy, on Rainbow, on Patches, on Montel.  Good luck finding Jesus!"
Cartman,"Wow, look, you guys! We're riding in Santa's sleigh!"
Mr. Hankey,We should be able to find Jesus in no time!
Cartman,I'm riding in Santa's sleigh. So high above the trees at Christmastime. With candy-cane wishes and smiles-
Kyle,What are you doing?
Cartman,"I'm having a precious Christmastime moment, Kyle, if you don't mind."
Kyle,"Singing a Christmas song isn't gonna get you nice deductions, Cartman! Don't forget: it's because of you that Santa's sleigh got shot down!"
Cartman,"Hey, it isn't my fault that Iraqis are filled with hate!"
Kyle,All I'm saying is that it's gonna take a lot of singing to make up for that!
Cartman,"It's Christmas magic time, inside the sleigh, so high in the sky, eh with candy canes and chimney smiles, eh..."
Jimmy,Six geese are laying... fu...five go-oldenh ...uhrings. Fodom... dom... du...du...t...du... Four calling biiirds
Santa,Where are you taking me??  You are all being very naughty.
Iraqi General,"Why you come to Iraq, my main man?"
Santa,To bring happiness and joy to the children.
Iraqi General,And this is...?  This is what you think brings happy?  This is material...  This is commercialism! My country is sick. Sick!
Santa,"No, your country has just lost all its Christmas spirit.  What's going on here?!"
Iraqi General,"America wants to bomb my house, my main man. They want to kill my wife and children. We need to know... what is their plan?"
Santa,"I don't know, I live in the North Pole.  What are you doing??"
Iraqi General,They say that the Chinese were the first to experiment with a little shock to the testicles.
Santa,Oh no. Not Santa's balls!
Iraqi General,What else is America planning?!
Santa,I'm gonna fucking kill you!
Iraqi General,"You're not in a position to kill anyone, my main man! I just want you to tell me America's plan!"
Santa,"Then we're in for a long night, 'cause I don't know shit!"
Jesus,"In nome del mio padre, siete guarito."
Elderlay man,Benedicali! Benedicali!
Woman,"Jesus, mio bambino no puoi sentirsi."
Jesus,Il vostro bambino se arguisto.
Woman,"Bene, Benedicali!  La morte rossa!"
Mr. Hankey,Hooowdy ho!
Cartman,Jesus!
Jesus,"Stan, Kyle, Mr. Hankey and Eric Cartman. What are you doing here, my children?"
Stan,"Jesus, Santa's sleigh was shot down over Iraq!"
Jesus,Santa? Is he alright?
Kyle,We don't know. They lost all contact with him.
Jesus,We have to get him out of there.
Mr. Hankey,Do you know a way?
Jesus,"Yes. Yes, I think I do.  We need a little Christmas miracle.  Lock and load! We're goin' in!"
Jimmy,On the s...seventh day of Christmas my t...true love ...
Iraqi General,"You're a sick capitalist dog, my main man!"
Cartman,"This is Baghdad? God, what a shithole!  I mean, oh wow, these poor unfortunate people."
Gnome,"Red Sleiogh 2, come in."
Stan,We're here.
Gnome,You're coming up on the source of the signal. You're right on top of him!
Jesus,"He must be in that building below us. Land it on the roof, Mr. Hankey."
Mr. Hankey,"Howdy ho, Jesus."
Soldier 1,Gankueda!
Jesus,"Wait here, I can handle this."
Soldier 2,Kinkeda? Kinkakueda!
Jesus,"Yay, look upon me, and know me."
Soldier 1,Halak balah!
Soldier 2,Kli malah!
Jesus,"My children, you should know something.  I'm packing.  Let's go!"
Cartman,"This is such a magical Christmas adventure, you guys."
Jimmy,"On the el- el- el- eleventh of C- Christmas my t...true love gave to me, e-eleven p-p-pipers p-pu-p-piping..."
Iraqi General,Drink it! Drink the oil! This is all you Western capitalists want!
Santa,Jesus Christ!
Iraqi General,Ach!
Santa,"Oh! Thank! Thank God for you, Jesus!"
Jesus,Here.  Can you walk?
Santa,Santa's legs are broken.
Jesus,"There, they are healed.  Santa..."
Santa,I just couldn't do it.  I just couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls!
Mr. Hankey,More soldiers are coming!
Jesus,Let's move. Move!
Jimmy,Eight... maids are... milking...
Jesus,Get up the stairs! The sleigh is on the roof!
Kyle,"Jesus, behind you!"
"Stan, Kyle, Cartman",Jesus!
Santa,"No!  Jesus. Jesus!  No... don't worry, Jesus, it's nothing. It's just a scratch."
Jesus,"You're a... bad liar.  Yay. B-but we sure gave them one hell of a fight, huh?"
Santa,"We sure did, Jesus."
Stan,"Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here."
Jesus,Uh Santa?
Santa,"I'm here, Jesus."
Jesus,Don't... don't ever... let them take away... our... Christmas spirit.
Stan,Oh my God. The Iraqis killed Jesus.
Kyle,You bastards.
Santa,"Come on, kids!"
Santa,Get to the sleigh! Get to the sleigh!
Mr. Hankey,Start the sleigh!
Stan,"Uh, on Steven, on Fluffy, on Horace, on Chantel. Uhh..."
Kyle,"On Skippy, on Rainbow, on Patches, on Montel."
Cartman,"Look at me, I'm riding high in Santa's sleigh. It's Christmas special time for me-"
Kyle,"Oh shut up, Cartman! Your Sweet Christmas act isn't fooling anybody!"
Cartman,"Eh, it's not an act, Kyle! All I wanted was for these people to understand what Christmas means."
Santa,"You're right, kid."
Mr. Hankey,"What are you doin', Santa?"
Santa,I came to bring Christmas to Iraq and by God I'm gonna do it!
Santa,Hohoho! Merry Christmas!
Soldier,Dakadaka!
Stan,"RPG, four o'clock!"
Mr. Hankey,"Boy, things are starting to look Christmasy now!"
Santa,Merry Christmas! Hohoho!
Santa,"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! Hohohohoho!"
Jimmy,And a p-p-par-tridge in a p-peeeaaar treeee.
Mayor McDaniels,That's it? That's it! The song's over! We can light the tree!
Townsfolk,Hurrah! Woohoo! Yay!
Jimbo,"Oh, finally!"
Mayor McDaniels,"Go on, Jimmy! There's only five more seconds until Christmas!"
Townsfolk,Awwww!
Randy,Christmas is ruined again!
Santa,Ho ho ho!
Townsfolk,WOW!!!
Randy,Stan!
Gerald,Kyle!
Kyle,Mom! Dad! We rode on Santa's sleigh!
Stan,We brought Christmas to Iraq!
Santa,"Everyone! Everyone, can I please have your attention?  Christmas is a very special time of year, but... this year it almost didn't happen. There's a man named Jesus who gave his life to save me. And so I declare that every year on Christmas Day. we should remember Jesus for what he did, and thank him for it. From now on, Christmas will be a day for remembering a brave man named Jesus."
Townsfolk,Hooray!
Santa,"Now, if you'll all excuse me, I've got a lot of work to do."
Mr. Hankey,"I'll help you, Santa!"
Santa,"Oh, and boys, you might want to check under the Christmas tree.  Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!"
Stan,"Wow! Look, you guys! Santa got us all Haibo dolls!"
Cartman,"Oh, God-damnit!"
Kyle,"Cartman, I thought all you wanted was a Haibo doll!"
Cartman,"Yeah, but not if you guys have one, too! Now it's worthless and gay! God-damnit I'll never try to be nice again!"
Stan,"Well, all in all, I have to say this was a pretty special Christmas."
Kenny,(Hey guys. What's goin' on?)
Stan,"Oh, hey Kenny."
Kyle,"Dude, where have you been?"
Kenny,"(Oh, I've just been hanging out.)"
Kyle,Well come on! We gotta tell you what happened. I'm sure glad it's over with.
Stan,"Yeah, but I feel like things are finally back to normal."
Kenny,(Yeah.)
Character,Line
The Boys,"School days, school days, teacher's golden rule day..."
Kyle,"Ah, damn it!"
Cartman,What?
Kyle,"My God-damned little brother's trying to follow me to school, again!"
Ike,Suck my balls.
Kyle,"No, Ike! You can't come to school with me."
Cartman,"Yeah! Go home, you little dildo!"
Kyle,"Dude, for the last time, don't call my brother a dildo!"
Cartman,"Alright, go home, you little semen-puking asshole dickhead!  Ow!"
Stan,"Dude, sweet!"
Kyle,Yeah. Check it out.  Ready Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike,Don't kick the goddamn baby!
Kyle,Kick it!
Ike,Waaaah--  Ow.
Cartman,Uuugh.
Kyle,Whoa Cartman. Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.
Cartman,That's because I was having these bogus nightmares all night long.
Kyle,Really? What about?
Cartman,"Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed…  in the dark. When all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room . Then slowly my bedroom door begin to open  and the next thing I remember I was being drug through a hallway.  Then these scary hands wanted to operate on me.  And they had big heads and big black eyes…"
Stan,Dude! Visitors!
Kyle,Totally!
Cartman,What?
Stan,"That wasn't a dream Cartman, those were visitors!"
Cartman,"No, it was just a dream,  my mom said so."
Stan,Visitors are real. They...  Wait a minute. This has all happened before.
Kyle,Yeah. This does seem really familiar.
Cartman,What the Funk & Wagnalls are you talkin' about?
Kyle,"Cartman, don't you remember the last time you had this dream?"
Cartman,"Eh-ih... shut up you guys, you're just tryin' to scare me."
Stan,"No, dude, this happened before! Aliens put some device in you and then we tied you up to a tree and you went up on their ship! You don't remember that?"
Cartman,No I don't remember that!
Kyle,You don't?
Cartman,"No, because the aliens erased my memory!"
Stan,"I remember this whole thing.  Ike tried to follow you to school. You kicked him, then Cartman told us about his alien dream."
Kyle,"Yeah, and then Chef pulled up in his car."
Chef,"Hello there, children!"
Kyle,And then you said
Stan,"What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?"
Chef,"Well, today it's Salisbury steak with hot buttered noodles"
All,and a choice of green bean salad or vegetable medley.
Kyle,Weird
Chef,"Say, did any of you children"
All,see the alien space ship last night?
Chef,What the?
Stan,"Chef, we're in a repeat."
Chef,A repeat??
Kyle,Cartman was visited by aliens again last night. And now it's like we're living a repeat of a previous day.
Cartman,"Aw dude, I hate repeats!"
Chef,"I've been feelin' dйjа vu all mornin', children. I knew somethin' strange was goin' on!"
Stan,It all started when Cartman got an anal probe.
Chef,We have to get Eric to a proctologist right away.
Kyle,"What is a proc-tologist, Chef?"
Chef,"He's a doctor that specializes in your asshole, children."
Stan,"You mean, at some point in this doctor's life he decided he wanted to work on people's buttholes."
Chef,That's right.
Kyle,What a dick!
Proctologist,Hello everyone!
Chef,Hello Doctor. Thanks for seein' Eric on such short notice.
Proctologist,What seems to be the problem?
Chef,We just want you to take a look and tell us if you see anything abnormal.
Kyle,Other than his monstrous size.
Cartman,"SHUT UP, KYLE! SHUT YOUR GOD-DAMNED MOUTH!"
Proctologist,"All right, let's see here.  Oh my God!!"
Cartman,What?
Proctologist,"Why, there's a huge crack goin' right down the middle!"
Cartman,"Haha, very funny."
Stan,"Yeah, like we haven't heard that one a zillion times."
Proctologist,"All right, let's take a look."
Cartman,"Heey, just what the hell do you think you're doing?"
Chef,"Eric, the doctor has to feel inside your rectum."
Kyle,"And afterwards, he'll probably have to burn his hand and bury it."
Cartman,"Kyle, I swear, if I didn't have a guy's hand up my ass right now, I'd leap across the room and kick you in the nuts. Eh. Oohh. Eow."
Proctologist,Well the prostate seems to be normal. No swelling of the hemorrhoidal gland...
Cartman,Eh- Aaaaah. Ooooo-ah. Uuuuu aaaaa.
Proctologist,"Wait, what's this?"
Kyle,Are you okay?
Cartman,Dude. You know that feeling when you take a huuuge dump? Awesome!
Chef,"Well, doctor?"
Proctologist,"I've never quite seen this before, uh... Perhaps he just needs some hemorrhoid cream."
Cartman,Aaaaaa aaaaaa ooagh!
Stan,You all right?
Cartman,"You know the feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up inside your ass? NO I""M NOT ALL RIGHT!!"
Proctologist,I've never seen a hemorrhoid react this way.
Chef,"That wasn't no hemorrhoid, it was an alien hoobajoob! Come on, children! We've got to get Eric to some real help!"
Stan,"Where to now, Chef?"
Chef,That thing inside Eric's asshole looked like some kinda alien satellite dish. We need to see my friend down at the Space Center now!
Chef,"And you're the only person I could think of who might be able to help us, Jeff."
Jeff,"How do we uh, make it come out?"
Chef,Someone just has to activate it like the proctologist did.
Cartman,Ohhh no no nonono! Nobody is putting their finger in my ass again! Unless it's Kyle.
Stan,What?
Kyle,"No way!  You do it, Kenny!"
Cartman,Nope! It has to be Kyle!
Stan,Go on.
Kyle,I'm not putting my finger up Cartman's butt!
Chef,"Kyle, the fate of the world may be at stake."
Cartman,"Come, Kyle. Do hurry.  Go ahead, it won't bite."
Kyle,God-damnit Cartman!
Cartman,I couldn't resist. I'm sorry.
Kyle,Stop it Cartman!
Cartman,Okay. Okay okay.
Kenny,"(Gaaahaha, he got you again!)"
Kyle,God Dammit!
Cartman,"Haha. Oh man, that was great. Okay, go ahead. I'm all out of farts now.  Gahaaa! Derrr!"
Kenny,(Derrr!)
Cartman,"Okaay, okay. It's not funny anymore.  Oh yes it is!"
Kenny,(Yes it is!)
Chef,"Eric, that's enough!"
Cartman,"Okay, okay.  Ohh, double psych!"
Kyle,That's it!  I don't care about the fate of the world! Screw it!
Stan,"Oh, nice going, Cartman!"
Cartman,"All right, all right, I'm sorry. Go ahead, Kyle."
Kyle,No!
Cartman,"No, go ahead. I'm dry."
Kyle,You're lying!
Chef,"It stopped being funny forty seconds ago, boy! Let's just get this over with!"
Cartman,But it was one of the best times I've ever had.
Jeff,"Can I see this thing, please?"
Cartman,Okay.  Ohhh! God-dammit!
Chef,Okay. Now it's funny again.
Cartman,"This is so awesome. I don't think I made it out of that proctologist's office, guys. I think I died and went to heaven."
Kyle,That does it! CHARGE!
Chef,What's it doing?
Jeff,"It, it's sending a transmission of some kind.  Got it!"
Kyle,It's just sending images of cities and people and stuff.
Chef,Where is the signal being sent to?
Cartman,"Ugh. I don't wanna play anymore, you guys."
Kyle,We went through all that just for some gay video of Earth?
Stan,We wanted to see an alien planet or something.
Jeff,"Whoever they are, if they're receiving messages, they might be sending them, too. Wait a minute. c-candy bars."
Kyle,Candy bars?
Jeff,"Yu-you know. Candy bars. They usually come in a wrapper. Just like you... wrap a Christmas present. Christmas happens when it's cold. Cold, as in Alaska - that's... with polar bears. Polar bears... pola... polarity! I can switch the polarity to see what transmissions are coming from the location this one is being sent to!  What the heck?  They're coming in!"
Stan,What do we do???
Cartman,It's that guy you want! He's trying to reverse your polarities!
Jeff,What??
Chef,Help!
Kyle,Aaaah! Runrunruuun!
Stan,Let's go!
Chef,"Get in the car, children! Get in the car!"
Stan,What is that?
Chef,"Can you see anything, children?"
Kyle,The aliens are chasing us!
Chef,God damned aliens!
Stan,Chef! End of the road!
Chef,"Hold on, children!  We have to ditch them!"
Cartman,"What are you doing, man?!"
Narrator,Looks like them boys are gettin' a little fresh air.
Kyle,I think we ditched them.
Chef,I don't think we're outta the woods yet.
Visitor Driver,Coop coop.
Stan,It's the police!
Chef,That ain't no police!
Cartman,When do we get to eat. I'm hungry.
Stan,Chef!!
Chef,"HA! God-damned aliens! I beat you!  Where'd you learn to drive, aliens?! Chinese auto school?!"
The Boys,Chef! Chef! They've got us!
Chef,You're lucky I didn't just turn around and beat your white skinny alien asses anyway! Maybe next time you'll remember to...  Huh?  Aw crap! Children!
The Boys,Cheeeeeeef!
Narrator,"Well, it looks like the boys are in more trouble than a June bug in molasses. And it's pretty thick molasses, too."
Stan,Uh.  Wugh. You guys. Wake up!
Kyle,"What the? Where are, where are we?"
Stan,We're in the alien ship.
Cartman,"Ah. Uh! I'm trapped inside Helen Hunt's ass!  Oh God, help me you guys!"
Kyle,It's not Helen Hunt's ass. It's an alien space ship.
Cartman,"...Oh, thank God! Well then, thank you Lord."
Stan,Guys. Look.
"Kyle, Cartman",Wow.
Stan,"My God, do you guys realize? This is only the second time we've ever been in outer space."
Kyle,Yeah.
Kenny,(Awesome)
Cartman,This is like my fifth time.
Stan,Uh oh. This must be the head alien guy.
Kenny,(Oh no!)
Alien,Hello boys.
Stan,Dad?
Alien,"No, not really. I just read your mind and thought this form might be more pleasing to you."
Kyle,"Aw dude, don't do that. That's gay."
Stan,"Yeah, that's like that stupid movie, Contact."
Cartman,"Aw God, that movie pissed me off."
Alien,"Very well, I shall show my true form.  Rah rah rah rah rah. Rah rah rah rah."
The Boys,AAAAH!
Stan,"Okay okay, take the form of something else!"
Alien,How's this?
Cartman,Santa!
Stan,"Nno, that's stupid too."
Alien,How about this?
"Stan, Kyle, Cartman",No.  No!
Cartman,"Oooo, very nice."
Stan,No!
Kyle,No!
Alien,Dy-no-mite!
The Boys,No!
Chef,Jeff!! The aliens took the children up on their ship.
Jeff,Oh no!
Chef,Did you find out what the aliens were up to?
Jeff,"When I reversed the polarities, I found this:  It's a message that the aliens are broadcasting throughout the entire universe. But I have no idea what it says."
Chef,"They took the children, Jeff! I have to know what those aliens are up to!"
Jeff,Wait a minute! Butt sex!
Chef,Butt sex?
Jeff,"Butt sex requires a lot of lubrication, right? Lubrication. Lubruh... Chupuh... Chupacabra 's the, the goat killer of Mexican folklore. Folklore is stories from the past that are often fictionalized. Fictionalized to heighten drama. Drama students! Students at colleges usually have bicycles! Bi, bian, binary. It's binary code!"
Chef,Who's havin' butt sex?
Alien,"Hello my honey, hello my baby, hello my ragtime gal!"
The Boys,No!
Alien,"Lemme search ya, gonna work ya, hepsunudupunubuh huh."
The Boys,No!
Alien,"Don't piss on the moon, babe."
The Boys,NO!
Alien,"All right, earthlings, what form do you want me to take?"
Cartman,"How about a taco, that craps ice cream?  Guys?"
Stan,I like it.
Kenny,(Me too.)
Alien,"All right, then we can get back to business. Follow me this way, earthlings.  I want to apologize to you boys for all the spooky, scary stuff. We just needed to get to the malfunctioning uplink relay."
Stan,"You mean, the thing in Cartman's ass?"
Alien,"That's right. See, there are dishes in over fifty thousand earthlings' rectums. Your friend's has been malfunctioning."
Kyle,Why do you put them into people's asses? Are you planning some kind of alien takeover?
Alien,"Oh, heavens no! We're a production company. We make intergalactic television programs that the whole universe watches."
Stan,Television?
Alien,"We at Nerzod Productions started twenty billion years ago with one philosophy: the best universal television isn't scripted, it's real.  We started with great shows like, ""Who Wants To Marry A Gelgamek?"" and ""Antares 6 Millionaire"". And then we had a big hit with ""Get Me Outta Here, I'm a Klingnanian"". But then of course, there's our signature show. The greatest universal reality show of all time."
Kyle,Earth?
Alien,"A few billion years ago we realized, ""what if we took species from all different planets in the universe, and put them together, on the same planet?"" Great TV, right? Asians, bears, ducks, Jews, deer and Hispanics, all trying to live side by side on one planet! It's great!"
Stan,Our planet is just a reality-TV show?
Alien,"Well, you don't think the whole universe works the way Earth does, do you? No! One species, one planet! There's a planet of deer, a planet of Asians, and so on! We put them all together on Earth and the whole universe tunes in to watch the fun!"
Kyle,"You mean that you aliens actually enjoy sitting around and watching us fight and kill each other? Dude, that's messed up."
Alien,Why?
Stan,Why?? Because you're playing with people's lives! You're turning people's problems into entertainment!
Cartman,Yeah! We'd never do that on Earth!
Jeff,"Ladies and Gentleman, we have recently come across an alien transmission that is being beamed throughout the entire universe.  When decoded, it looks like this."
Man,What does it mean?
Jeff,"Ih it's simple mathematical language that can be understood throughout the solar system. Translated into our language, it looks like this."
Announcer,"This jannemon at eight o'clock, it's everyone's favorite show! Earth! It's been one hundred Gelganighs since we first took species from seventeen different planets and put them all together, on the same planet! Oo-derp! They've fought and fallen in love! What will happen this Galgamog? Tune in jannemon at eight to find out. It's... Earth! On Fognl!"
Jeff,"I'm afraid that Earth, a-all of Earth, is nothing but an intergalactic reality-TV show."
Man 2,My God. We're famous!
Jeff,"Waaaait, you don't understand!"
Man 3,I'm on TV! I'm on TV!
Man 4,This is so awesome!
Others,Woo! Yeah! Woohoo!!
Alien,"That should get the relay working again.  All right, Earthlings, if you'll step over this way we'll erase your memories and get you back to Earth.  Oh, excuse me.  This is Nagix. Uh huh. Oh no. Oh no, really? And it's, it's for sure? All right, I'll break the news to everyone. No, no I, I understand. Thanks.  Well, you kids can go back to Earth if you want, but I'm afraid it won't be there for long. The show's been cancelled."
Kyle,What?? Who cancelled us?
Nagix,"The universal network heads. They say the Earthlings have become aware of the show, so it won't be funny anymore."
Stan,"Oh shit, did we do that?"
Nagix,"Everyone, can I have your attention real quick? Uuh, look, I just got a call from the network and I'm afraid Earth has been cancelled"
Staff,Awww.
Nagix,"Now, now, it was a great run and I think we should all be really proud.  Let's call in a demolition crew to strike the Earth for resources."
Stan,"Wait! Wait, they they can't do this! Uh, let us talk to the network heads!"
Nagix,Wouldn't do any good.
Kyle,"Dude, we have to try!"
Stan,"Please, take us to them! Please!"
Nagix,"All right, kids, we'll take you to the network heads. But I warn you: nobody has ever gotten the executives to uncancel a show once the call has been made. Nobody."
Chef,What the hell is that?!
Jeff,There's a huge ship of some kind in Earth's orbit!  But why? Wait a minute! Chaos theory!
Chef,Chaos theory??
Jeff,"Chaos theory, ih wah, it was first thought of in the sixties. Sixty. That's the number of episodes they made of Punky Brewster before it was cancelled. Cancelled..."
Chef,Huh?
Jeff,Don't you see? The show is over! The aliens are canceling Earth!
Chef,Oh my God! We have to stop them!
Voice,"Welcome to Planet Fognl, home of the Joozians, who control all media in the universe."
Receptionist,Can I help you?
Stan,"Oh, uh... we have a three o'clock meeting with the network heads?"
Receptionist,Where are you visiting from?
Stan,"Uh, Earth?"
Receptionist,"Oooo, I watch that show all the time."
Joozian 1,"Gaaahahaha.  Oh, sure, come on in, Earthlings. We're just checking out our new show."
Joozian 2,We took a hundred beings from the planet Marklar and put them on an asteroid with sentient beings from the Horsehead Nebula. Ih-it's a riot!
Joozian 1,They hate each other!
Joozian 2,"Gah, why?"
Kyle,"Mighty powerful network executives,"
Joozian 1,"Oooo, I'm starving! You Earthlings have haglar yet?"
Joozian 2,"Oh yeah, let's do haglar."
Joozian 1,Where do you wanna go? Meroni's?
Joozian 2,"Not on a Flakmar. Too crowded. Ohhh, Blackafelch!"
Joozian 1,"Oh, Blackafelch. Perfect."
Joozian 2,This place is fantastic!
Stan,"Look, we just want to talk to you about the show."
Kyle,Please don't cancel us. Please.
Joozian 1,"Oh I'm sorry, Earthlings, but you have to realize the universe is a business."
Joozian 2,"You've made it to a hundred episodes, you should be proud!"
Joozian 1,"Yeah, a show should never go past a hundred episodes, or else it starts to get stale with ridiculously stupid plotlines and settings."
Waitress,Here's your order of gespahtgaplachfenachenblah.
Stan,"But sirs, we think our show is just getting good.  I mean, we're just now starting to see people get really pissed off at each other."
Kyle,"Oh my God, this is great!"
Joozian 1,You must have some Joozian ancestry.
Cartman,Tell us about it!
Stan,"Look, there's five billion people on our show. You just can't up and cancel on us."
Joozian 1,Oh my God! Would you look at the heglars on that joozinek?
Stan,"Dude, we're trying to save our planet here?!"
Joozian 1,Let's take the Earthlings to a hekmubah!
Joozian 2,"Oh, yeah!"
Joozian 1,"Oh yeah, let's see those heglars!"
Stan,"Sirs, uh, if you'll just let-"
Joozian 1,"Oh, man, I am so wasted!  Hey, do you Earthlings wanna try a little glach?  Agh-oh yeah!!  Oh, gluck yeah!!"
Kyle,Kenny!
Joozian 1,"Meeh, screw this place! Let's go get a hotel room and a hooker!"
Joozian 2,Oh yeah!
Joozian 1,Yeah!
Chef,We have to find a way to stop those aliens!
Jeff,"Oh, their ship is massive! There's no way to stop it!  Wait a minute, jackets!"
Chef,Oh no.
Jeff,If people don't wear jackets they could get cold. A cold is caused by a virus. A viru- a computer virus! We could make a computer virus and send it to their ships to disable their computers!
Chef,That doesn't make any God-damned sense!
Joozian 2,Ogh.
Joozian 1,Oh yeah!
Joozian 2,Good.
Joozian 1,Oh yeah! Yeah!!
Joozian 2,Woohoohoo! Yeah!
Joozian 1,"Booyagh! Boy, Earthlings, is this a party or what??"
Joozian 2,"Oh! Oh, that's it baby! You're getting my jagon hard!"
Joozian 1,"Wohh. Yeah, let's party!"
Joozian 2,"Yeah, suck my jagon!"
Joozian 1,"Yeah! Now you suck on my jagon!  Oh yeah!! Stick your finger in my thrusher!  Oh yeah, suck it. Suck that jagon!"
Stan,"Dude, I have no idea what we're seeing right now, but I have a feeling it's really, really wrong."
Joozian 1,Oh yes!! Oh yeah yeahyeah! Oh yeah!
Joozian 2,"Oh, God. Eh eh, my head.  What did we do?"
Joozian 1,"Oh man, I can't believe I sucked your jagon."
Joozian 2,"Oh God, we did suck each other's jagons! You kids won't tell anybody about this, right??"
Cartman,No.
Stan,"No, wait. We won't tell anybody, if you don't cancel our show!"
Joozian 1,"Oooo, I knew that was coming."
Joozian 2,They really got us by the nezmins
Kyle,The Earth show can still be good. Just erase everyone's memory so we don't know we're a show.
Stan,"I'm sure you'll see that if you give our world time, it will become even more outrageous and violent."
Cartman,There's even World War Three to look forward to.
Kyle,And then we won't have to show anybody the picture Kenny has of you guys sucking each other's jagons.
Joozian 1,"He-all right, all right Earthlings! Ya, you win! The show can stay on."
The Boys,All right!
Joozian 1,Just be sure to keep up the wars and violence.
Joozian 2,"Well, we've got a five o'clock with the Yurka producers.  Nice meeting you Earthlings. Bye!"
Cartman,Uuugh.
Kyle,Whoa Cartman. Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.
Cartman,That's because I was having these bogus nightmares all night long.
Kenny,"(Hey you guys, look.)"
Kyle,What the hell is that?
Kenny,(I don't know.)
Chef,"Hello there, children!"
The Boys,Hey Chef.
Stan,"Chef, Kenny has a picture of two green things sucking each other's shoulders."
Cartman,"What is it, Chef?"
Chef,"I don't know. But something tells me this picture might be very important, children.  You should hang on to it."
Announcer,Attention universe! Be sure to tune in next week for another exciting episode of... Earth! The Asians  are reeeally steamed at the Russians . The zebras try to get along with the buffalo.  And Americans  and Iraqis  have an all-out brawl.  It's outrageous fun and it's all new! Earth! On Fognl.
Announcer,"Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for JIMMY!  Thank you! Wow. What a terrific audience.  I know what most of you are thinking. ""Hey, uh-that guy stole my show...""  Wow, what a great audience. And how about this Michael Jackson guy, huh? I mean, come on...  Wow, what a great audience.  Uh... l... lights, please?"
Butters,Hey Jimmy.
Jimmy,"Butters, w-where is everybody?"
Butters,"Oh yeah, well, about that... Christopher Reeve came to town to do some kind of show, and everyone went to see him."
Jimmy,Christopher Reeve? Christopher Reeve?!
Butters,"You know, Christopher Reeve, the guy who played Superman."
Jimmy,I know who he is! But why is everyone ditching my comedy show to see him?!
Butters,"Ww-well, because he got crippled, but now he can move his finger. He is an inspiration to us all. That's why everyone ditched on your show."
Jimmy,"So then, how come you came?"
Butters,"Well, because I said I would. Oh, I'm a dork, huh?"
Mayor McDaniels,"And so without further ado, here's the most courageous, most amazing man on the planet, Christopher Reeve."
Reeve,"Thank you, thank you, wow, what a great audience.  I just flew into South Park.  Used to be I didn't need an airplane."
Townspeople,Awwwww.
Reeve,"As most of you know,  I am a strong supporter of stem-cell research."
Jimmy,"Say, fellas! Thanks a lot for goin' to my ...c-comedy show!"
Cartman,We didn't go to your comedy show.
Jimmy,"I know that, I was being f-f-f-fa...cetious!"
Stan,"Look, dude. Christopher Reeve, dude."
Jimmy,"Ooh, Christopher Reeve! Whoop-de-freakin-do!"
Kyle,"Dude, that's not cool. You shouldn't make fun of Christopher Reeve."
Stan,"Yeah dude, not cool."
Reeve,"Though it is controversial,  stem cell research is critical  in the quest for helping  the disabled."
Jimmy,I put together a comedy show and I was crippled from BIRTH!
Stan,"Uh, hoo. Guys, I think we'd better stay out of this one."
Kyle,"Yeah, this is starting to look like something we shouldn't be any part of. Let's go play with trucks or something."
Timmy,Ha-a-aaa-haaa-a.
Jimmy,"Can you believe this asswipe, Timmy?"
Timmy,Timmeh!!
Jimmy,"Why is a celebrity who became crippled more important than us that were born that way, very much."
Timmy,Rrruh Timmeh!
Reeve,In the coming days  I will prove to the world  that stem-cell research is a miracle.
Cartman,"Beep beep beep. Move it, Kenny! Beep."
Jimmy,Hey there fellas.
Stan,"Oh hey Jimmy, hey Timmy."
Timmy,Timmih!
Jimmy,"Say, would you guys like to join our club? Oh, I'm sorry. You can't. You aren't crippled."
Kyle,What?
Jimmy,"To be in our club, not only do you have to be c-c-crippled, but you have to have been born that way. Do you know what that means? No butthole Superman asswipe Christopher Reeve!"
Stan,"That's nice, guys. We're just gonna stay out of this one."
Cartman,"Hey, wait a minute!  You guys can't just start a club and tell me I can't be in it!"
Jimmy,"Sorry, able-bodied, you can't join."
Cartman,Can too!
Jimmy,Hey Timmy. How many able-bodied people does it take to screw in a light bulb? One.  You know what you call an able-bodied guy on the doorstep? Whatever his name is.
Cartman,Oh God-damnit!!
Kyle,"Cartman, just stay out of it."
Cartman,But they say I can't be in their club!!
Stan,"Cartman, trust me.  We don't want any part in this one."
Jimmy,"Hello, Mr. McGillicuuhuhuhh... Mr. McGillicuddy."
McGillicuddy,"Hello, boys. What can I do for you?"
Jimmy,Timmy and I made a ...T-shirt design for our new club.  We just came up with a name this morning.
McGillicuddy,"Uh... boys, I don't think you wanna wear these shirts"
Jimmy,Why not?
McGillicuddy,"Well, because there already is a group that calls themselves the Crips, and I don't think they'd like it too much."
Jimmy,...There's already a Crips?!
McGillicuddy,"Well, sure, they're all over at Five Points area in Denver. You've never heard of them?"
Jimmy,"No, we never have. Are they crippled from birth or are they cripple wannabes like Christopher Reeve?"
McGillicuddy,"...Oh, I am stayin' out of this one."
Jimmy,"Can you believe it, Timmy? All this time there was a group for truly crippled people like ourselves, and we didn't know it."
Timmy,Timmmeh!
Jimmy,Come on. We have to take the bus to Five Points in Denver.
King,"My guest tonight is the brilliant star of stage and screen, Mr. Christopher Reeve, who,. with the help of stem-cell research, is now able to move his arms."
Reeve,"Thanks for having me on again, Larry."
King,"All right. Chris, the whole world is waiting. Why don't you show us what stem-cell research has done for you.  Amazing. Isn't that amazing, folks? Now, Chris, there're some people who say stem-cell research is wrong, that takling cells from a fetus is... unethical."
Reeve,"Well, it just proves that the public needs to be educated  about stem-cell research. See, the stem cells from a fetus like this one  can form into whatever cells of the body are damaged. They are the most powerful thing on the planet."
King,"And how does someone like yourself make use of the stem cells, Chris?"
Reeve,"Well, it's very simple.  And now you can see, my arms have better movement."
King,Wow.  Wow.
Jimmy,"Excuse me, sir.  we're looking for a group of people called the Crips."
Bum,You are?
Jimmy,Do you know where they meet? We've already tried the rec center and the library.
Bum,"The Crips hang out at that old warehouse down there,  but ...nobody goes in there."
Jimmy,"Oh, it's okay. We're Crips ourselves. Come on, Tim-Tim."
Timmy,Timmmih!
Jimmy,"Well hello everyone.  I'm Jim Swanson, and this is my friend Timmy."
Timmy,Timmmih!  Tih... ti-timmih.
Jimmy,"Well, let us tell you a little bit about ourselves. Timmy and I are both true Crips, born and raised. We're the only Crips in South Park, where we live, and we would love to join your fa-fa-fabtasitc Denver chapter."
Large Crip,"Is they for real, manh?"
Jimmy,"We just have one question before we join your c-club. Do you think it's better to be born a Crip, or to become a Crip later by accident?"
Braided Crip,"The only Crips is born Crips, dawg."
Tall Crip,"Yeah, you can't become a Crip by accident, fool!"
Jimmy,"I agree. I mean, it's like  ""come on""! Why do these people who become crippled later in life think they're such great pot-potatuhs?"
Timmy,Timmih!
Jimmy,"Well, we're glad you see it our way, fellas. So can we join your g... group?"
Buff Crip,"All right, you wanna thug with the Five Point Crips? Bitches, all you gotta do is pop some punk-ass Bloods."
Jimmy,"Well, sure. Tim and I would love to pop some punk-ass Bloods. We're terrific at it."
Timmy,Timmih?
Jimmy,"I don't know, Timmy, just play along."
Timmy,Uh-tu-Timmih!
Buff Crip,So you sayin' yuh down?
Jimmy,"Down like a clown, Charlie Br... Down like a clown, Charlie B-broooowww... Down like a clown, Charlie Browh... Bro-uh-own. Down like a clown, Charlie Br-Brown."
Jimmy,"Say Timmy, did you notice that all the crippled people in that club are negros?"
Timmy,Timmih!
Jimmy,"That's an amm-mmazing coincidence. I mean, there's not one crippled colored person in South Park."
Officer,Hey you kids.
Jimmy,"Well hello, officers."
Officer,What the hell do you think you're doin'?
Jimmy,We're goin' to pop some punk-ass Bloods.
Timmy,Timmih!
Jimmy,"Look, Timmy. There's a convenience store.  That must be what the fellas meant by ""pop some punk-ass Bloods."" They want us to get them some soda pop and treats.  Let's buy them ginger ale and marshmallows. Then they'll let us in the club for sure."
Timmy,"Oh, Timmih."
Driver,Oh shit!
Jimmy,"Suh, suh, suh, suh, Sssunday driver!"
Buff Crip,"Yo yo, listen up y'all! Let me tell you about my little Gs, Roller and 4 Legs here. They just smoked thirteen Bloods in one night!"
Crip 1,One night?
Crip 2,You're kiddin'? You're kiddin'? One night?
Buff Crip,That ain't never been done before!
Crips,Uh huh. Cool. He's right.
Jimmy,So does that mean we can join the c-c...club?
Buff Crip,"You're not just in, you're the baddest mofo Crips in town! Cipac!  Turn up the beat so we can celebrate our new Gs Five-Points style!"
Cipac,All right.
Jimmy,"Wow, these guys really are crippled.  Timmy, I have a feeling that this is the start of something b-b-b-b...b-b-brilliant."
Timmy,Timmih!
Jimmy,"Thanks for the ride home, fellas. We sure had a ...terrific time."
Cipac,"Alrighty. Keep it real though, dawg."
Jimmy,"You dawgs keep it real, too."
Timmy,Timmih!
Jimmy,"Well, that sure was a terrific time. Let's go all around tomorrow and show everyone our new outfits, Timmy."
Timmy,Timmih!
Mom,"There you are, Jimmy!"
Jimmy,"Whatup, Mazie? Ye-yo, Pops?"
Pops,"Jimmy, you rmother was gettin' worried about you."
Jimmy,No need to worry about me. I'm cool like a fool in a swimming ppp-ppp-pp-pp-pool.
Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing out front of the Stem Cell Research Facility with terrific news. Christopher Reeve, who was once paralyzed, claims that he can now stand."
Reeve,"Thank you everyone.  To most people, this is just an ordinary fetus. But to people like me,  it's hope."
Crowd,Uugh.
Mr. Garrison,What an inspiration.
Reporter,"Tom, many celebrities have spoken out in protest of stem-cell research, but, after seeing this, how can they protest now?"
Stan,"Stay clear, guys, stay clear."
Kyle,Yup. I'm not seeing anything.
Mr. Kim,"Hey  Hey, I don't want no trouber!"
Jimmy,"Hello. We'd like two orders of Kung ...Pao Chicken, please."
Mr. Kim,I don't want no trouble! You jus... take what you want and reave!
Timmy,Timmih!
Mr. Kim,"OH! Okay, okay!  I opening register"
Timmy,Timmh.
Jimmy,"What's that? Oh, and one medium lemonade, please."
Timmy,Timmih.
Mr. Kim,Here. Here one hundred twelve dorrar! It's all I have. Yeh take!
Jimmy,Hunh?
Mr. Kim,You take! Uh one hundred twelve dorrar!
Jimmy,Ah- are you sure?
Mr. Kim,I no want no trouble. Just take it and reave!
Jimmy,"Well gee, that's really nice of you, Mr. ...Chinese person.  Look Tim-Tim, we got a cash prize. We must be the ...one hundredth customer or something."
Mr. Kim,"Here! Here two order of Kung Pao Chicken, and small ice tea!"
Jimmy,"Actually, it was a regular lemonade."
Mr. Kim,"AAAAAGH-agh!!  I sorry! I sorry! I no want no trouble.  Here. Remonade.  Now go, just go!"
Jimmy,"Gee, thanks a lot. See you next time."
Timmy,Timmih!
Mr. Kim,Hello! Police? I've just been robbed by two gang members!
Pops,"Jimmy? Jimmy, could you come into the kitchen please?"
Jimmy,"Yo, Mamsie. What's up, Pops?"
Pops,"Uh have a seat, Jim. Your mother and I need to talk to you.  Son, your mother and I have noticed a change in your behavior. And... we're worried that you might be involved in a gang."
Jimmy,"A what? Oh, you mean the fellas. Well sure. But I can't talk about the club on account of its sssuper secret, dawg."
Mamsie,"Then it's true! Oh, Ryan, it's true!"
Jimmy,"Why you be trippin', Mom? I mean  come on. I'm finally a part of something, very much."
Ryan,"Jimmy, those people you're hanging out with are no good."
Jimmy,"Yo, don't be dissing my niggaz, dawg. They're my f... friends."
Mamsie,"And what about your standup comedy, Jim, huh? Are you just giving up on that, too?"
Jimmy,Nobody cared about my standup comedy! All that hard work just to be outshined by C-Christopher Reeve the super b-butthole!
Ryan,"Uh Jimmy, we've told you before. God made you the way he did for a reason!"
Jimmy,Right. Because you and Mom used to make fun of crippled kids in high school.
Ryan,"That's right. You were sent here through the vengeful and angry hand of God to teach your mother and I a lesson. And that's a big responsibility, son."
Jimmy,"Look! My gang, which I can't talk about because it's super secret, is the most important thing to me now! And if you two don't like it, you can just pass the blunt to the nigga on your left."
Reeve,Where's that delivery of new fetuses?! Feeling weak again.
Aide,"Here's the new shipment, sir.  Hey!"
Man,"Hello there, Christopher."
Reeve,"Well, well, Gene Hackman, my nemesis from the movies. How are you?"
Hackman,I'm good. You?
Reeve,I am better with each passing day.  Stronger and more agile.
Hackman,"Christopher, I've come to ask you to stop what you're doing?"
Reeve,What?
Hackman,Using stem cells is like playing God. You should leave nature alone.
Reeve,"And go back to the way I was? Is that what you're saying, Hackman?"
Hackman,"I'm saying that sometimes you need to just live with the cards you're dealt, Christopher."
Reeve,"Stop calling me Christopher! That name no longer has meaning to me! Christopher was someone who lived in a wheelchair! Always being pushed around by others! The old Christopher Reeve is dead! From now on, I am...  Chris!"
Jimmy,Sixty-five... bottles of... beer on the wall. Six-
Blood,"Payback time, mothafucka!"
Jimmy,Jesus Christ!  Holy G...guacamole!  Freakin' Frijoles!  Leapin' L-langosta.
Blood,East Side Bloods!
Hyde,We're Detectives Hyde and Richardson from the Special Gang unit in Denver.
Jimmy,"Any word on who shot up me and Timmy's houses, officer?"
Richardson,Word on the street is it was a retaliation hit by the Bloods.
Jimmy,The... B-Bloods?
Hyde,"You know, smart-mouth! Your rival gang! The Bloods are at war with the Crips, they kill each other all the time!"
Jimmy,The-they do??
Richardson,"Don't act like you don't know, you lil punk! The Crips and Bloods hate each other, and if you stay in that gang, you're gonna end up dead too."
Jimmy,But... but why do they hate each other?
Hyde,"Look kid, I used to be a Crip myself, but I'm not anymore!"
Jimmy,"Oh, so you used ssstemm cells like Christopher Reeve?"
Hyde,Come on. The only way these kids are gonna get out of their gang is get killed.
Ryan,Sarah!
Jimmy,"Oh boy, Timmy, we should have never started a gang for people crippled from birth. Now they're at war with the people who are crippled from an accident. Boy were we wrong."
Timmy,Tim-mih.
Jimmy,"Wow, w-we've got to do something, Timmy. We've gotta get the Crips and Bloods to sstop fighting. I bet if we could just get them together... but how? Wu-wait a minute! I've got it! A lock-in at the rec center! We did it for our church once. All we do is rent out the rec center overnight. They lock the doors so nobody can leave, and then everyone has the whole night to play in the swimming pool and laugh and talk."
Timmy,Timmih!!
Jimmy,"You get all the Crips you can to the rec center tomorrow night, Timmy. And I'll try to get all the ...Bloods there."
Timmy,Timmih!!
Jimmy,This is gonna be t-terrific!
Reporter,"Tom, several years ago, actor Christopher Reeve had a horrible accident and was paralyzed. The irony, of course, is that the man who played Superman could no longer walk. America watched in wonder as he managed to move one of his fingers, then his arms. And now, seen for the first time on HBC, Christopher Reeve is going to lift a truck up over his head."
Randy,"Oh, what a fighter."
Gerald,"That brave, brave man."
Liane,He's an imspration to us all.
Reporter,"Tom, the irony is even more irony-y as it appears that the stem cells have given Christopher Reeve almost superhuman strength."
Hackman,"Chris, that's enough!"
Reeve,"Hello, Gene! So good to see you!"
Hackman,"You're cured, Chris. It's time to stop using stem cells."
Reeve,Stem-cell research has made me stronger than I ever thought possible! Why stop now?!
Reporter,"Uh Tom, apparently, Gene Hackman, the man who played Superman's enemy Lex Luthor in the movies, has now shown up as a celebrity protester of stem-cell research. If that isn't ironic, Tom, I don't knw what is."
Hackman,"They're affecting your mind, Chris. If you won't stop using stem cells, then we'll stop you!"
Reeve,"Stop me?! Stop me?! HA!!  You won't stop me, Hack Man!  Ha HA! Ha HA! Ha haa haa!  Ya ha ha! Yaa haha!"
Reporter,"Tom, if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now."
Jimmy,"Come on in, everybody. Lots of su-surprises and t-treats inside.  Great to see you all. What a terrific audience."
Janitor,"Are you sure you got everything you need, young man?"
Jimmy,"We sure do. Thanks, Mr. Apple...b-by."
Mr. Appleby,Just remember to make sure the kids play safe in the pool area.
Jimmy,You bet.
Mr. Appleby,I'll be back at seven to let you out. You kids have a good time.
Jimmy,"Oh, we will."
Buff Crip,The Bloods!
Blood 1,Oh shit! It's a trap!
Blood 2,Muthafucka Crips tryin' to smoke us all out!
Crip,What the hell is goin' on here?
Jimmy,"It's called a lock-in at the rec center. We can use all the rec center facilities. We can play basketball, go swimming, or even just kick it in the lounge area with some games and ...p-puzzles."
Timmy,Timmih!
Jimmy,"But nobody can leave until it's seven a.m., so if you wanna have a good time, you're all just gonna have to learn to get along.  Theeerrre's pizzaaa."
Reporter,"Tom, over five years ago, doctors told Christopher Reeve that he would never walk again, but the resilient actor fought back, struggled against all odds, and has now built his very own Legion of Doom!  The once immobile Mr. Reeve's new organization will be committed to world domination and evil. What an inspirational story, Tom."
Reeve,"I have chosen each member of this elite group of supervillains for their outstanding treachery,  Their desire for world conquest,  and their hatred of all things good!  And I've assembled this group for one purpose! To once and for all find a way to...  get rid of Hack Man!!"
Dr. Doom,"Uhhh, how about domination of the world?"
Saddam Hussein,"Yeah. Or uh, death to the infidels?"
Reeve,Silence! OUR job is to see to it that Hack Man is put out of commission.
Professor Chaos,"Oh boy, General Disarray, muh maybe we just oughtta stay outta this one."
Hackman,"Not so fast, Chris!"
Reeve,Hack Man!
Hackman,We just helped pass a ban on stem-cell research. Your fetus-sucking days are over!
Reeve,No...  NOOOO!
Hackman,And now we're goingn to put you somewhere where you can never touch another fetus again!
Buff Crip,You stupid mofos are dead!
Blood 3,"Make the first shot, punk!"
Jimmy,"Hold it! Don't you see? It doesn't matter if we were crippled from birth, or crippled in an accident. We're all brothers."
Blood 4,"Save it, fool! Crips ain't our brothers!"
Jimmy,Look: we hve the whole rec room to ourselves. Can't we all just try having some fun together?
Blood 5,"Yeah, we ain't playin', sucka!"
Jimmy,"Why don't we at least give it a chance? I mean,  Come on!"
Buff Crip,Wait a minute. What did you say?
Jimmy,"I said, ""I mean,  Come on!"""
Blood 4,"You know, maybe he's right. I mean,  Come on!"
Jimmy,Come on.
Buff Crip,I guess we could at least give havin' fun together a try. It's like  Come on.
Blood 6,Yeah. Come on.
Crip 2,"Yeah, that's right. Come on."
Jimmy,Come on.
Someone,Come on.
All,"Yeah, that's right. Come on."
Buff Crip,I've gotta give you two dawgs props for puttin' an end to all this hate.
Jimmy,"I told you, lock-ins at the rec center always work. And you know, I've learned something, too. I was player-hatin' Christopher Butthole Reeve because he got more attention than me. But just like... y-you guys, I need to learn to control my a... anger."
Blood,Right on!
Crip,"Hey little Roller, try some of this chronic shit."
Timmy,Timmih!
Jimmy,I guess we all learned that trying to get along is way better than p... player hatin'.  The gang wrote a song about it. Why don't we listen in?
Gang Members,"It used to be that Crips and Bloods didn't get along,But now we're all a family, so we wrote this song.Naaa na naaa, Crips and Bloods. Naaa na naaa, hope and love.Naaa na naaa, friendly thugs."
Reeve,"You haven't seen the last of me, Hack Man! I will be back!!"
Stan,"Dude, I am so glad we stayed out of that one."
Kyle,Mee tooo.
Teacher,"Okay. Good, children, good. Remember to feel the clay. Be one with the clay. Nice. Uh huh."
Cartman,Put more clay on the balls.
Teacher,Boys!  What is that?
Kyle,A reindeer?
Teacher,"You know, I've had it! You four boys never take art class seriously!"
Cartman,What a crime.
Teacher,You think art is not important?
Stan,"Weelll, art is just kinda... for gaywads."
Butters,I love our class!
Stan,See?
Teacher,"Do you think this is funny?!  Do you think this is funny, huh?!  Well, you four can just spend your afternoon after school here making new pottery!"
Cartman,You can't do that!
Teacher,I certainly can! I'm your teacher!
Cartman,You're an art teacher!
Teacher,Make it two hours!
Stan,Mrs. Streible thinks she's so cool!
Kyle,How dare she talk to us like that?!
Kenny,"(Yeah, how the fuck is that?!)"
Cartman,We can't let her get away with this!  I think tonight we need to do something drastic.
Stan,Like what?
Cartman,"Like find out where Mrs. Streible lives, and go over there, and... TP her house."
Kenny,(Yeah!)
Kyle,TP her house?
Cartman,Toilet paper! Cover her house in toilet paper.
Kyle,Oh.
Cartman,"What's the matter, Kyle? You chicken?  Ugh!"
Teacher,"Quiet, boys. This isn't playtime, you're being punished!"
Stan,"Fine! But we'll have the last laugh tonight, artwhore!"
Cartman,"Yeah! Payback time, you ugly skank!"
Stan,D'you think that's enough?
Cartman,Should be fine.
Kyle,Don't you guys think this is a little suspicious? We should buy something else so it doesn't look obvious.
Cartman,"Okay.  Here we go, pack of chewing gum."
Cashier,Hello boys. Find everything you need?
Cartman,Yep. All set.
Cashier,"Mokay, let's see here. Toilet paper  Toilet paper  Toilet paper  Toilet paper  Toilet paper  So, what are you kids up to tonight?"
Cartman,"Oh, we're just gonna watch some TV, maybe play a board game."
Cashier,"Nice relaxing night at home, huh? Toilet paper  Toilet paper  Aaand toilet paper  Eh, hey.  Now you kids be careful with this chewing gum.Don't go sticking it under tables."
Stan,Okay.
Cashier,"Okay. Toilet paper  Toilet paper  Tooilet paper  You know, son, I rmember you comin' in last week and buying this much toilet paper."
Cartman,"Heh yeah, that that's right."
Cashier,... Toilet paper  Toilet paper
Kyle,"You TP'ed a house last week, Cartman?"
Cartman,No. Last Thursday night was fajitas night.
Kyle,Oh.  Uuugh.
Stan,Is this the right house?
Cartman,It's the right address-wait! Look there!  There's Mrs. Streible! This is the place.
Kyle,"Oh wait, wait, there's kids inside."
Cartman,So?
Kyle,So we're not TP'ing a house with kids inside it!
Stan,"Kyle, we all agreed to do this!"
Kyle,"We didn't say nothin' about no kids, man!"
Cartman,"Kyle, you're bein' an asshole! Now let's do this thing and get out of m'yeah.  Here's what I think of your art class, you God-damned bitch!"
Kenny,(Yeah! Fuck you!)
Cartman,"Come on, let's go!"
Kyle,What have we done?
Stan,"Let's go, Kyle!"
Kyle,"We're, we're in trouble. We're in sooo much trouble."
Cartman,"Aw man, that was sooo awesome!"
Kyle,How can you say that? Did you see what we did to their house?! It'll take them days to clean that up!
Cartman,Who cares??
Kyle,"Well, YOU don't, because you're a non-caring asshole, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Me??  There's toilet paper on your hands, too, Kyle."
Stan,"Cartman's right, Kyle. We're all in this together."
Kyle,Noo! No.  Noo!
Mrs. Streible,AAAAAAAAA!
Mr. Streible,"Honey, what is it?? Oh, Jesus no! Our house!"
The Streible Girls,Mommy! Mommy!
Mr. Streible,Whyyy? Whyyy?
Kyle,Ah! Oh God! Oh God!
Butters,"Hey, uh, you guys here what happened last night? Mrs. Streible's house got covered with toilet paper."
Clyde,Yeah. They say it's gonna take three weeks to get it all down.
Cartman,"Yeah? Well, Ol' Mrs. Streible probably had it comin' to her."
Butters,I don't know. I don't think anybody deserves that kind of brutality.
Cartman,"Well, I understand the people who did it weren't caughts, so-o... Looks like nobody will ever know the geniuses who masterminded that perfect crime."
Mr. Garrison,"Okay children, let's take our seats. Oh, uh, Stan, Kyle, Eric, and Kenny, the counselor wants to see you in his office, now."
Cartman,Damn!
Kyle,Oh God!
Kyle,How the hell did they find out it was us that TP'ed that house?
Cartman,"Will you relax, Kyle?! They have nothing on us! As long as we all stick to our story, we'll be fine."
Stan,We'd better go over our story again so we don't screw it up.
Cartman,"Okay. Last night, all four of us were at the bowling alley until about 7:30, at which time we noticed Ally Sheedy, the Goth chick from the Breakfast Club, was bowling in the lane next to us, and we asked her for her autograph, but she didn't have a pen, so we followed her out to her car, but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests, which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45, at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Rancho de Burritos Rojos, south of Castle Rock, and finally got a ride home with a man who was missing his left index finger, named Gary Bushwell, arriving home at 11:46."
Kyle,I'm confused. Did Ally Sheedy take that personality test?
Stan,"Yes, dude!"
Cartman,"Kyle, it's very simple: we followed Ally Sheedy out to her car, but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests, which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45, at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Rancho de Burritos Rojos, south of Castle Rock, and finally got a ride home with a man who was missing his left index finger, named Gary Bushwell, arriving home at 11:46, you got it??"
Kyle,"Ah, Ah I, ah I thought..."
Cartman,"Oh, for Christ's sake!"
Stan,"Look, Kyle, just let Cartman do all the talking, okay? He's better at being in trouble than anybody."
Cartman,"Thank you, Stan.  Sh sh, here they come, here they come.  ""And so I said, 'That's a terrific joke, Wendy. Tell us another one.'"" Oh, hello, Mr. Mackey. Are you ready to see us now?"
Mr. Mackey,"We're gonna talk to you one at a time, boys, m'kay? Kenny, will you step into my office, please?"
Kenny,(Me??)
Mr. Mackey,"Come on, Kenny, let's go, 'k?"
Cartman,"Touchй, Mr. Mackey, touchй."
Kyle,Why are they doing us one at a time?
Cartman,"They want to see if we mix the story up, and see if someone will rat out the other three for a better deal."
Kyle,I can get a better deal?
Cartman,"Kyle, so help me God, if you Jew us out on this one, I will fucking kill you!"
Mr. Streible,"There we go. That should be about the last of it.  Ex- excuse me, uh, wha-what are you doing?"
Officer Barbrady,Crime scene investigation!  There are several footprints in the snow. Perhaps more than one perpetrator?
Mr. Streible,"Ah... look, we really don't wanna make a big deal out of this."
Officer Barbrady,Is that the toilet paper there? I'll need to take those bags as evidence.
Mr. Streible,"Lo-ih ih it's just not that big a deal, I mean, I toilet-papered houses myself when I was a kid."
Officer Barbrady,You?! So where were you last night at around 9?!
Mr. Streible,I was here.
Officer Barbrady,Aha!! Got you!
Mr. Streible,"Officer, why would I TP my own house?"
Officer Barbrady,Insurance?
Mr. Streible,"It wasn't me, okay? Now, if you don't mind, I just wanna get my yard back to normal."
Officer Barbrady,Now you listen to me! Whoever TP'ed your house is still out there roaming the streets. It's only a matter of time before another house and another family is victimized! I have to stop that from happening.
Mr. Streible,"You really have nothing better to do, do you?"
Officer Barbrady,No I do not.
Kyle,Noo! No.  Noo!
Mrs. Streible,AAAAAAAAA!
Mr. Streible,"Oh, Jesus no! Our house!"
The Streible Girls,Mommy! Mommy!
Nancy Kerrigan,Whyyy? Whyyy? Whyyy?
Kyle,Oh God! Oh God! I have to tell the truth!  Mooooomm!
Cartman,"Hello, Kyle. Going somewhere?"
Kyle,I was... I was just going to get a drink of water.
Cartman,No need. I have one for you right here.
Kyle,Oh. Okay. Thanks.
Cartman,Is there anything else I can get for you?
Kyle,"Noo, I'll just... be... going back to bed now."
Cartman,"You do that. Goodnight, Kyle."
Warden,Josh Meyers TP'ed over six hundred houses in less than a year.  He's a real monster.
Officer Barbrady,I just need to talk to someonen who knows how toilet paperers think.
Warden,Just remember: he'd toilet-paper you in a second if he had the chance.  He's the last cell on your left.
Officer Barbrady,"Hello, Josh. My name is Officer Barbrady. I'm with the South Park police."
Josh,"That's a terrible cologne you're wearing, officer. You should try something more... casual."
Officer Barbrady,I was hoping you could help me solve a toilet-papering case?
Josh,And why would I do that? Because I'm such a charming fella?
Officer Barbrady,"Uh please, I need your help. What would you want in return?"
Josh,Due to the harsh nature of my crimes they don't allow me to have toilet paper in my cell. You can imagine how bothersome that becomes.
Officer Barbrady,"You... know I can't give you toilet paper, Josh."
Josh,"No, but it was worth a try, wasn't it?  Tell me something, officer: why is it that you police such a small town. You must have had larger inspirations. What happened to those... big-city dreams?"
Officer Barbrady,"Well, that's kind of personal."
Josh,"Quid pro quo, officer. Tell me what I want to know. And I'll help you catch whoever toilet-papered that house."
Officer Barbrady,"Look kid, I have very little time to catch whoever toilet-papered that house. Tell me what you know."
Josh,"Are those the crime scene photos? Let me see them.  Yes. Yes. Not bad work, not bad at all. These toilet-paperers are professionals...at least one of them is."
Officer Barbrady,So you think there was more than one. Why?
Josh,"Tell me something first. When you went to the academy you had something to prove. You wanted to protect and serve, but mostly you wanted to protect yourself. Who were you protecting yourself from, Officer Barbrady?"
Officer Barbrady,"Oh all right, all right, my uncle Charles used to hit me with a belt!"
Josh,"Thank you. Your toilet-paperers are most like males between the ages of 8 and 10 and probably virgins. Parents notice that much toilet paper missing, so they would have to have bought it themselves. Find out where the toilet paper came from, officer, and you just might catch your man."
Cartman,"Stan, Kenny, can I talk to you guys for a second?  I think we have the counselor and the principal fooled, but we need to talk about Kyle."
Stan,What about him?
Cartman,"Come on, you know. He's losing it. He's gonna crack."
Kenny,(I think so too.)
Cartman,Kyle can't take the heat; he's gonna sing like a canary. Then we're all gonna take the fall for what we did.
Butters,Ha-ey fellas.
Stan,Butters.
Cartman,"Look you guys, all it takes is for one of us to crack, and we all know who the weakest link is!"
Stan,So what should we do?
Cartman,We have no choice. We have to kill Kyle.
Stan,"... Dude, we're not killing Kyle!"
Kenny,(Yeah!)
Cartman,Why not?
Stan,"Kyle's not gonna say anything, alright?"
Cartman,"He almost spilled the beans in the counselor's office! He can't even keep the story straight! I'm telling you guys, he's weak. He's weak, and he'll be the end of all of us."
Cashier,"You wanted to see me, Officer Barbrady?"
Officer Barbrady,"Yes, thanks for coming, Mr. Bell. A house was TP'ed in South Park and I need to see if you can identify the toilet paper I recovered from the scene.  I'm... sorry I have to do this."
Mr. Bell,Oh my God.
Officer Barbrady,Is this toilet paper from your store?
Mr. Bell,"It's... difficult to tell, it's... so decayed, I... wait a minute, yes. Yes, I recognize the floral pattern now."
Officer Barbrady,Positive ID on the toilet paper.
Mr. Bell,Who would... do this to toilet paper? Who?
Officer Barbrady,"Mr. Bell, do you remember anyone suspicious buying toilet paper in the last few days?"
Mr. Bell,Suspicious like how?
Officer Barbrady,"Well, like someone who was black or Mexican or Middle Eastern."
Mr. Bell,"Nnoo, the only Mexican guy I recall bought toasted tarts and chips and... we don't allow Middle Eastern people in the store.  Oh my God!"
Kyle,"What's this all about, Cartman?"
Cartman,"I just wanted to see how you're doing, Kyle. Why don't we go out for a little boat ride?"
Kyle,A boat ride?
Cartman,I just thought we should find a private place to... talk.
Kyle,"Well, okay."
Cartman,"Could you help me put this cement block and chain in the boat?  Okay, let's go.  So how are things, Kyle?"
Kyle,Terrible. Every time I close my eyes I see the house we TP'ed. I see the tears of our art teacher and hear the screams of her daughters.
Cartman,And you feel like you have to confess.
Kyle,"I don't know what to do.  Part of me feels like I wanna end it all now.  Tell people what heppened. You know, I never knew how beautiful this pond was before.  So cold. The world can feel like that.  So calm on the outside, as if nothing bad ever happens.  Ow.  What the hell are you doing, Cartman?!"
Cartman,"I'm killing you. But unfortunately I could only afford a Wiffle ball bat, so it's gonna take a while."
Kyle,Cartman!
Cartman,"Don't fight it, Kyle, it will only take longer. Just slip into sweet unconsciousness."
Kyle,You wanna kill me?! Fine!  I can't live like this anymore! Go ahead! Do it!
Cartman,"Won't be long, Kyle."
Officer Barbrady,"Josh, I need your help."
Josh,"The answer is right in front of you, but you can't see it."
Officer Barbrady,How do you mean?
Josh,"Tell me, the toilet paper. Was it quilted?"
Officer Barbrady,Yes.
Josh,Single-sheet?
Officer Barbrady,"No, two-ply.  What? What does that tell you?"
Josh,Why does one toilet-paper houses
Officer Barbrady,To get revenge.
Josh,"No, that is incidental. Your toilet-paperers wanted to transform the art teacher's house, thus transforming her entire occupation."
Officer Barbrady,What do you mean?
Josh,"Your uncle, who hit you with a belt. Was he a large man?"
Officer Barbrady,"I don't have time for this, kid."
Josh,Did he stink like bayer when he came home from work all powoor from playin' down at the pool hiyouse?
Officer Barbrady,Alright alright my dad dressed me up like a little girl on poker nights and he made me sit on all my uncles' laps!
Josh,"Whoa. Uh, oh. Thank you. Your toilet-paperers are most likely students in the art teacher's class, students who aren't very good at art."
Officer Barbrady,Oh. Of course! One of her students!
Josh,"Fly along now, Officer Barbrady. You've got some arrests to make.  Fly fly flyyy. Fly fly flyyy."
Warden,"Josh,  were you doing the silly voice for the policeman again?"
Josh,"No, sir."
Stan,"Cartman, what are you doing?"
Cartman,I'm getting rid of our problem. Kyle will be dead in a matter of hours.
Stan,"You don't have to kill Kyle, dude. The police made an arrest. And the person confessed!"
Cartman,They did?
Kyle,They did?
Stan,They say they got the guy that did it down at the police station.
Kyle,Who confessed? That doesn't make any sense.
Cartman,But can I still kill Kyyyle?
Officer Barbrady,Hello boys. How are you?
Stan,We heard that you have the person who TP'ed the art teacher's house? Is that true?
Officer Barbrady,It sure is!
Cartman,"Uh, can we see them-him-her?"
Officer Barbrady,"Right over here.  Yeah, we interrogated the suspect for over forty hours, and he finally cracked."
Butters,Hey fellas!
Stan,Butters?
Butters,Yep. I'm in jail.
Kyle,You con-fessed?
Butters,"Uh huh. Unh, they said I TP'ed the art teacher's house.  I don't seem to remember it,  but they're pretty sure it was me.  I just can't get my behavior under control!"
Officer Barbrady,His parents are on their way down now.
Butters,"Yeah. And boy, are they gonna uh let me have it! Just wait till my father gets here!"
Kyle,"You guys, we can't let him do this!"
Cartman,What are you talking about? This is a gift from God. An early Easter present all wrapped up in a pretty ribbon from Jesus Christ himself!
Butters,"Well I'm just a little asshole, is what I am. When God made me, he must have not been payin' very close attention, 'cause I turned out wrong! Just plain wrong!"
Kyle,"Officer Barbrady, Butters didn't TP that house."
Officer Barbrady,Why do you say that?
Kyle,Because it was-
Cartman,"Wiffle ball, anyone?  Anyone care for a nice game of Wiffle ball?"
Butters,"You know, it's not my parents I'm worried about. It's my girlfriend, Carrie. Why, she lives in Michigan. But when she finds out about this, woooo smokey, is she gonna be sore! She might even break up with me. And it would serve me right, too."
Officer Barbrady,"All right, boys, visiting time is over. Thanks for stopping by."
Cartman,"You see guys, it all worked itself out. Tadow, tadow, how you like me now? Feel a little silly now, Kyle? Tadow, how you like me now?"
Kyle,"I still feel bad, Cartman"
Cartman,What? Hu- How can you feel bad? Somebody else is gonna pay for our crime.
Kyle,Yeah. That makes it even worse.
Cartman,"Bu... ...eh... Kyle, you don't seem to understand. We're we're not gonna get punished for this. Ever."
Kyle,I know.
Cartman,"So... so then, how can you feel bad?"
Stan,He feels guilty for doing it and for letting someone else pay for it.
Cartman,...But he's not gonna get in trouble.
Stan,"It doesn't matter if you get in trouble of not, you can still feel bad.  I think you're right, Kyle. Maybe we should confess."
Kenny,"(Yeah, maybe we should.)"
Cartman,"What?? Eh...  hey you guys! There's nothing to feel bad about! We're, we're off scot-free!"
Kyle,We feel bad for other people.
Cartman,"For oth-er...  Uh. Oww. ...Ih ...Ih, ih, is it that ...you think you might get in trouble later?"
Stan,"Tomorrow in school we'll all tell the teacher it was us, and let her decide what to do.  And Cartman, if you had any thread of a conscience at all, you'll do the same!"
Cartman,"Eh buh... eh... eh... Freakin' weirdos, man!"
Stephen,Well well well! I had to see it to believe it!
Butters,"Hi, Dad."
Stephen,"Don't you ""Hi, Dad"" me! Look at you! Standing behind prison bars! Again!"
Butters,Yeah.
Linda,"What fibs have you been telling this policeman, Butters?! You know damn well you didn't toilet-paper that house!"
Officer Barbrady,Huh??
Stephen,"Butters was with us all night, Officer Barbrady."
Linda,"Butters, what have we told you about confessing to crimes you didn't commit?! We have had it, mister!"
Butters,"Well, he kept accusin' me for hours, and then he shot me up with sodium pentathol."
Stephen,And that's your excuse?!
Officer Barbrady,"Well, looks like I made a mistake. I... guess I'd better let you out now."
Stephen,"Just wait till we get you home, you little fibber!"
Butters,"Officer, can I stay in jail, please?"
Cartman,"Come on, you guys! Hurry!  Guys, hurry!"
Stan,"What is it, Cartmam?"
Cartman,It's over this way! Come on!
Cartman,"So how are things, guys?"
Stan,"Cartman, we're confessing tomorrow in school, and that's final."
Cartman,I'm afraid I can't let that happen.
Kyle,"You can't kill all three of us, Cartman!"
Cartman,Can't I?
Officer Barbrady,"Excuse me, everyone.  I have someone with me who can tell us all who toilet-papered the art teacher's house!  Josh insisted he be able to tell you the names of the toilet paperers in person."
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, that's nice, Officer Barbrady, but we actually don't need to know-"
Kyle,"Hold it!  Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, Mrs. Streible. We have something we need to tell you."
Principal Victoria,"All right. Will you people stop barging into my office, please?"
Josh,"What's the matter, Principal Victoria? Was your mother abusive? Did she spank your thighs with cold cuts and stick umbrellas up your ass?"
Principal Victoria,Get him out of here!
Officer Barbrady,"Uh, Policeman Brown, will you take Josh outside, please?"
Josh,"Ooo, Polceman Brown, never quite made officer. Why is that, Polceman Brown?"
Kyle,We have to confess that we were the ones that-
Mr. Mackey,"It's too late, boys, m'kay? We already know everything."
Stan,"You, you do? How?"
Cartman,Hi guys.
Kyle,Cartman??
Cartman,"I told them everything, you guys. It's over."
Principal Victoria,"Luckily for us, one of you had enough of a conscience to come forward."
Cartman,My consciences just caught up with me.
Kyle,That's not fair!
Mr. Mackey,"You all get two weeks of detention, except Eric, who gets one week for being brave."
Kyle,"But, but he's lying! He doesn't have a conscience!"
Officer Barbrady,"Well, I guess my work here is done. After all this, I'm gonna need a long vacation."
Kyle,This was supposed to be my story! My coming to terms with a guilty conscience! This isn't fair!
Officer Barbrady,"Okay, Josh, time to go back to the...  Oh no!"
Policeman Brown,He... He was too fast for me. He ran out the door!
Officer Barbrady,Couldn't you have gone after him?
Policeman Brown,"Well, ah I'm covered in toilet paper. I'd look silly."
Mr. Mackey,"Welcome to detention. You will be here till five o'clock, so make good study use of your time. M'kay?"
Stan,Wugh! Two weeks of this!
Kyle,"Yeah. But I have to say, I feel a lot better now."
Cartman,"I know what you mean, Kyle. I realize now that even though you might not get caught doing something bad, you can still get caught later."
Kyle,Oh Jesus!
Cartman,"I didn't feel bad before, but now I just feel terrible."
Kyle,You just feel bad for yourself that you're in detention!
Cartman,Right. I guess I learned today that sometimes you-
Kyle,"Oh, stop it, Cartman! You didn't learn anything! Not a God-damned thing!"
Cartman,Hm.
Officer Barbrady,Police station.
Josh,Hello Officer Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady,"Josh? Josh, where are you?!"
Josh,"I'm afraid that giving away my location might be harmful to my freedom, officer. I just wanted to thank you for helping me get out of that dingy cell."
Officer Barbrady,"Josh, you have to go back to Juvenile Hall. You only have a three-week sentence."
Josh,"Sorry, officer, gotta run. There's something I've been meaning to do for quite some time. Ciao."
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, let's take our seats. Did you take attendance, Mr. Slave?"
Mr. Slave,All donesy wunsy.
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, let's all take out our math homework and go over the problems."
Cartman,"Mmmath homework, Mmmath homework. Where did I file that?"
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, and by the way, children, there's a walkout scheduled today to protest the war in Iraq. So, uh, if you're against the war, run along outside, and if you're for the war, uh, stay here and we'll do math problems."
The Boys,We got out of schoo-l! No more school toda-ay!
Kyle,What should we do?
Stan,Let's go see a movie!
Protesters,No war! No war!  No war! No war!  No war! No war!  No war! No war! No war!
Mr. Mackey,"No war, m'kay?! No war, m'kay?! Oh uh, here you go, boys.  These will help you protest. It's good to see that you care about peace, boys, m'kay? No war, m'kay?!"
A voice,"Excuse me, boys.  Tom Stansel, HBC news. Can you kids tell me why you marched out of school today?"
Stan,Uh... war?
Tom,Right. What about the war?
Kyle,Ih ih ih-t's g-gay?
Tom,"Uh huh, and what aspect of it do you think is most gay?"
Kyle,"Uuuh, n-no blood for oil."
Stan,Yeah.  War is not my voice.
Cartman,Bush is a Naizi
Skeeter,"Hey all you un-American bastards! If you don't like America, why don't you git out?!"
Mr. Mackey,Don't you call us un-American! This country was founded on the right to protest! M'kay?
Protesters,Yeah! Right!
Stuart,"If the Founding Fathers saw you burning your flag an' callin' the President a Nazi, they'd roll over in their grave!"
Supporters,Yeah! Right!
Randy,The Founding Fathers would agree with our right to protest!
Skeeter,Foundin' Fathers would kick all your asses!
Tom,"Boys, what do you think the Founding Fathers would say?"
Cartman,...Eh the... Founding who?
Mr. Garrison,"Well, I hope you little Commies are pretty pleased with yourselves!  Going out there and protesting America, and then saying on national television that you don't even know who the Founding Fathers are! You kids don't know squat about America, do you?!"
Butters,"Mmuh well, not really, no."
Mr. Garrison,"Well that's just jingles! Because I'm assigning all you little flag-burners a full report on seventeen seventy-siyix, and the Founding Fathers!"
Class,Awwwwww!
Mr. Garrison,"SHUT UP! I want you all in your study groups of four, and if you can't give an outstanding report on what the Founding Fathers would have to say about all this protesting, then it's Fs for you!"
Cartman,Ugh. UGHuh.  I can't do it! This is waaay too much material for a nine-year-old!
Kyle,"Oh no you don't, Cartman! Every time we get put in a study group, you sit on your ass while the rest of us do all the work!"
Cartman,But you guys are such better studiers than me. I know you can pull it off.
Stan,You're gonna read this stuff and study like the rest of us!
Cartman,Maaaa. M-maaaa.
Kyle,Shut up and study!
Cartman,"Maaaa. Mah mah mh.  Hmmm, 1776. When our Founding Fathers created America. I wonder what it used to be like in those days?  In those days? In those days? In those days?"
Kyle,What are you doing?
Cartman,I'm trying to have a flashback.
Kenny,(A what?)
Cartman,"You know. If I have a flashback, then I can see what 1776 was like first-hand!"
Stan,"No, you just have to study."
Cartman,"Nonono. I've seen this work before. Just give me a second.  Oh okay, okay. How about this: Say guys, 1776 was so long ago. I wonder what life would have been like back then?  Back then? Back then? Back then?  Um... Oh waitwait, I know, I know! Heheh, you know guys, I don't even care about 1776. It was so long ago, that I don't think it has anything to do with me.  With me. With... anything to do with me. With me."
Kyle,"That isn't gonna work, dumbass!"
Mr. Slave,"Kids, let's keep it down for study group, or else Mr. Garrison is going to punish me."
Stan,"Just face it, Cartman. You're gonna have to study!"
Cartman,"Maaaaa. Meh mameh, Maaaaa!"
Skeeter,"There! All finished. From now on, this is the pro-war side of town, and that's the unpatriotic side."
Randy,"How about we call this the rational side of town, and that the redneck side?!"
Protesters,"Hahahaha, yeah."
Jimbo,You just keep all your flag burnin' and your hippie-rock protest songs on YOUR side o' the town!
Protester,"Hey wait a minute, your side of town has the post office."
Stuart,Well your side has the grocery store.
Jimbo,Well you can come to our side of town to use the post office and we can go to your side to use the grocery store.
Gerald,"Aaah, can we cross the line to take our kids to school?"
Jimbo,"W-hell, naturally you could cross the line for that. Just like ...we could cross the line for hardware, supplies, gas, and pharmaceutical needs."
Townsfolk,"Yup, yes sir, yeah, right, uh huh."
Skeeter,"Hey everybody, this is never going to work. Don't you see? All this dividin' up the town, it's just ridiculous. What we really should be doing, is just beatin' the hell out of each other like we were."
Randy,"He's right.  Boy, do I feel like a fool."
Kyle,"Cartman, what the hell are you doing?! You're suppsoed to be studying!"
Cartman,That's what I'm doing. I'm about to find out all about what happened back in 1776.
Stan,How?!
Cartman,"All I have to do is be thinking about American history when I walk through this doorway. I'll trip the rope, causing the rock to fall on my head. And then I will have a flashback to the times of our Founding Fathers!"
Kyle,"Cartman, you are hereby declared a full-fledged retard!"
Cartman,"Haha, make fun of me all you want, Kyle! But I will have the last laugh. Gentlemen, if you will clear the doorway, please?  Oh Gee. I wonder what it used to be like in the year 1776."
Kyle,Cartman? Cartman??
Cartman,Benjamin Franklin?
Kyle,"No, turdpants, it's Kyle!"
Cartman,"Kyle! Get out of my flashback, you God-damned Jew!"
Townsfolk,Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!
Mayor McDaniels,"Okay, people. What are we rabbling about now?"
Randy,"Mayor, our peace rally has always been set for this Saturday! Now, these pro-war bastards are suddenly trying to say they get the town square."
Skeeter,"That's bullcrap, Mayor! Our rally to support the war was set up months ago!"
Gerald,There was no war months ago!
Skeeter,"Hey, if you don't like America, then you can git out!"
Randy,"Look, nobody wants to hear a bunch of twangy country music prowar proopaganda!"
Stuart,Well nobody wants to hear a bunch o' rock protest songs!
Mr. Mackey,"Well up yours, rednecks!"
Townsfolk,Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!
Mayor McDaniels,"Quiet people! The town square is public space. That means if neither group will nicely and maturely move the day of its rally, I'll just have to give the town square to both groups."
Jimbo,"All right, that's fine! Because our war support songs will be a thousand times better!"
Randy,"Oh, you think so? Bring the shizzle!"
Skeeter,We'll trizzle the shizzle all over the hizzle!
Gerald,"Yeah?! See you Saturday, makizzer shanna sharilla shaz biuznatch gazizzah!"
Stan,Cartman?
Kyle,"Cartman? You'd better be studying, God-damnit!"
Cartman,"Ah, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, you're just in time."
Stan,Oh no...
Cartman,Oh yes! I am just about to flash back to the days of our Foundig Fathers!
Kyle,"Cartman, you're supposed to be studying! What the hell is all this?!"
Cartman,"I have programmed TiVo to record over fifty hours of the History channel. When TiVo is full, both TiVo and I will be dropped into the water, combining our electrowhatever fields and sending me into a flashback of history!"
Stan,"Uh Cartman, I think that's a really bad idea."
Cartman,Or a really sweet one.
TiVo,Your TiVo is full.
Cartman,"Whoa, here it goes!"
Kyle,Cartman?  Cartman??
Stan,Aww crap.
Cartman,Ohhh awesome!!!
Driver,"Worthy young lad, are you all right?"
Cartman,Yeah yeah. Can you tell me what year it is?
Driver,"This year? Why it's 1776, it is."
Cartman,Oho yes! I did it I did it!
Driver,"Would you like a ride into town? I'm on my way to Master Thomas Jefferson's hosue to get a very important document, I am."
Cartman,"Oho kick fucking ass, dude!"
Driver,"Never seen you around here, friend. Might you be from up North?"
Cartman,"No, I'm not from here at all. I'm having a flashback."
Driver,"A flashback? Why, what is that?"
Cartman,"Well you know, it's a...  H-ho, awesome! 'Look at me, I'm back in time, in 1776.'With gaslight corners, cobblestone streets, and humble houses made of bricks.'What a special magic time, and it's all alive for me'I'm so glad Stan and Kyle aren't here. I hate those guys, seriously.'Seriously hate those guys. Hate Stan and Kyle."
Liane,"Is he going to be all right, doctor??"
Dr. Doctor,Your son tried to kill himself in a ritualistic fashion I've never seen before. His chances of surviving are very slim. I'm so sorry.
Liane,"Oh baby baby, you can't die."
Kyle,"Yeah. We have a report to do, asshole! Get up! Get up!!"
Liane,"Whoa. Easy, Kyle."
Kyle,"But it's not fair! We have to do a full report on the Founding Fathers, and Cartman got out of helping us again!"
Stan,"I gues we're just gonna have to do it with the three of us! Come on, guys!"
Liane,"I know you're in a very dark place now, sweetie. But you must come toward the light! Come toward the light!"
Driver,"Here we are, then. The current residence of Master Thomas Jefferson."
Cartman,Super neato!
Driver,I'm afraid you'll have to wait here.
Cartman,"But, I need to talk to the Founding Fathers to do my report."
Driver,Sorry. Only the official messenger boy is allowed to talk to Mister Jefferson
Cartman,"Oh, okay.I guess I understand. 'I don't wanna wait for our life to be over...''I don't wanna wait for our life to be over..."
Jefferson,Hello. I am Thomas Jefferson.
Cartman,"And I am the official messenger boy, I am."
Jefferson,Very well. Take this document to the Continental Congress.
Cartman,"Wow, the Declaration of Independence Day."
Jefferson,Some favir going to war with England and others want to avoid war at all cost.
Cartman,"It's a bitch, ain't it?"
Jefferson,"Perhaps this document will make the reasons for war obvious to all. Good luck, young messenger!  Now make haste!"
Stan,"Okay, so Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence, then the Continental Congress-"
Protesters,No war! No war! No war!
Kyle,"Oh, Jesus..."
Randy,"Uh, boys, would you mind clearing the living room. We have to practice our big war protest song."
Stan,"Dad, we have to study. Mr. Garrison is making us do a presentation on what the Founding Fathers would say about the war."
Mr. Mackey,Hey... That's a terrific idea!
Gerald,Yeah! We could have the boys do their presentation as part of our peace rally on Saturday!
Stan,"Oh, no, nononono."
Supporters,Support our troops! Support our troops! Support our troops!
Skeeter,See? I told you they had your son.
Stuart,Kenny. What are you doing over here with all these un-American traitors?!
Kenny,(I'm doing my homework.)
Randy,The boys are going to give a presentation at our rally about how the Founding Fathers would agree with our right to protest!
Stan,"Actually, we hadn't really come to a decision-"
Stuart,"Look! My son is a patriot and LOVES his country!  Come on, Kenny!"
Kenny,"(But Dad, I-)"
Stuart,NOW!
Skeeter,Yeah!
Supporters,Support our troops! Support our troops! Support our troops! Support our troops!
Stan,"Kenny, no- ohhh! Awww.  Awww, now we lost two in our study group!"
Kyle,God damnit!
Randy,Can you believe those hick sons of bitches? Manipulating those kids to be on their side.
Gerald,"Disgraceful! Stan and Kyle, it's up to you to show all those war-mongerers that the Founding Fathers agree with us!"
Protester 1,"Yeah, that's right!"
Protester 2,"Come on, guys!"
Protester 3,Get back to work!
Kyle,Do you think kids in every town have to deal with this crap?
A voice,"Enter, young messenger.  I am John Hancock, President of the Congress."
Cartman,Wow.
Hancock,Mr. John Adams?
Adams,Aye.
Hancock,"Will you do the honors of reading the document to Congress, please?"
Adams,"WHEN in the Course of human Events, it becomes necessary for one Penis to rise up-  -we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.P.S. - Every Thursday should be Free Ice Cream Day."
A Congressman,"Excuse me, but does this Declaration actually suggest that we should go to go war with England?"
Adams,"We have no choice, Mr. Dickinson."
Mr. Mackey,"All right everyone, thank you all for comin' out to protest the war, m'kay? ."
Skeeter,"Don't kid yourselves. These people have come out to support our troops, right?!"
Mr. Mackey,"And now, Randy Marsh is gonna sing a protest song he wrote about the war."
Skeeter,Oh no you don't! We're doing our pro-war song first!
Jimbo,Yeah! The last thing these people want is a bleedin'-heart rock protest song!
Mayor McDaniels,"People, I told you, you have to share the stage."
Randy,Nobody wants to here another pro-war country song!
Skeeter,Well excuse me if... I'm a little bit country.
Randy,Well I'm a little bit rock-n-roll-AH!
Skeeter,I'm a little for supportin' our troops.
Randy,And I'm a little for bringin' 'em home.
Skeeter,I believe freedom isn't free.
Randy,"No, but war shouldn't be our goal."
Skeeter,We must defend our country.
Randy,"If it means war, then we say NO!"
Somebody,Yeehaw!
Skeeter,'Did you forget them towers in New York?'Did you forget how it made you feel'To see them towers come down?'Were you like me? Did you think it weren't real?
Randy,"I like to rock, but I don't wanna rock Iraq! The only kind of rockin' America should do, is the kind that we can all dance to, yeah!"
Skeeter,"We got GPS, ICBMs, and good old-fashioned lead. We're gonna show Saddam what America means; that son of a bitch'll be dead."
Randy,Why are we fightin' this war?'There's a man in the office we didn't vote for.'They didn't give me a choice.'War is not my voice! Yeaaaaahhhh!
Adams,We must go to war!
Dickinson,"But what about the violence?! The lives lost?! If we found a country, it should be founded on peace and diplomacy."
Congressman 1,England will only understand one thing: Force.
Congressman 2,"I must state again for the record that South Carolina, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Maryland, and Georgia are against war!"
Congressman 3,"Yeah, because you don't care about the fate of the Colonies like we do! You're all unpatriotic! And if you don't like the Colonies, then you can git out!"
Dickinson,Don't you call us unpatriotic! We're protesting this war because we care so deeply for the fate of our Colonies! You are all unpatriotic for leading the Colonies into a war that half of them don't want!
Cartman,"Whoa, how very very relevant."
Tom,"Tom, I'm standing in the town square where the war rally has been going on for an incredible eighty-seven hours. The crowd still appears to be split right down the middle - half of them support country music, and the other half rock-n-roll. Let's listen in."
Mr. Mackey,And now we'd like to bring out a couple of very special South Park students who did a report on what the Founding Fathers would have to say about the war.
Protesters,Booooo!!
Randy,"For you people who still think war is the answer, perhaps you can listen to the voices ... of the children."
Stan,"Uh, we didn't do it."
Mr. Mackey,What?
Kyle,We didn't do our homework.
Sharon,Boys! You were supposed to come out here and tell everyone about the Founding Fathers!
Stan,"Well, first we lost one study partner when Cartman put himself in the hospital, and then they took Kenny away, and then Kyle forgot to set his clock ahead for Dalight Saving, so we couldn't find anything in the history books about Iraq and then-"
Skeeter,That's because the Founding Fathers would have supported the war!
Mr. Mackey,The Founding Fathers would have protested like us!
Supporters,Support!
Protesters,Protest!
Supporters,Country!
Protesters,Rock-n-roll!
Congressmen,Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble!
Dickinson,We cannot found a country based on war!
Adams,We cannot found a country that is afraid to fight!
Congressman,Rabble!
Congressmen,"Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble!  Oh my, it's Benjamin Franklin. It's Benjamin Franklin. It's Benjamin Franklin."
Cartman,"Oh, it's Benjamin Franklin. It's Benjamin Franklin. It's Benjamin Franklin."
Hancock,"Mr. Franklin, where do you stand on the war issue?"
Franklin,"I believe that if we are to form a new country, we cannot be a country that appears war-hungry and violent to the rest of the world. However, we also cannot be a country that appears weak and unwilling to fight to the rest of the world. So, what if we form a country that appears to want both?"
Jefferson,"Yes. Yes of course. We go to war, and protest going to war at the same time."
Dickinson,"Right. If the people of our new country are allowed to do whatever they wish, then some will support the war and some will protest it."
Franklin,"And that means that as a nation, we could go to war with whomever we wished, but at the same time, act like we didn't want to. If we allow the people to protest what the government does, then the country will be forever blameless."
Adams,"It's like having your cake, and eating it, too."
Congressman 2,Think of it: an entire nation founded on saying one thing and doing another.
Hancock,And we will call that country the United States of America.
Cartman,"Wow, I get it now! I get it!  Whoa, here it goes. I wish I could go back to my time. To my time, to, to my time."
Cartman,Wow!
Cartman,"Everyone, stop! Please!"
Townsman,"The-the child! The child, from the hospital."
Cartman,"If you all don't mind, I would like to do my report now. I know what the founding fathers would say."
Stan,He does?
Kyle,He does?
Cartman,"I learned somethin' today. This country was founded by some of the smartest thinkers the world has ever seen. And they knew one thing: that a truly great country can go to war, and at the same time, act like it doesn't want to.  You people who are for the war, you need the protesters. Because they make the country look like it's made of sane, caring individuals. And you people who are anti-war, you need these flag-wavers, because, if our whole country was made up of nothing but soft pussy protesters, we'd get taken down in a second. That's why the founding fathers decided we should have both. It's called ""having your cake and eating it too."""
Randy,He's right. The strength of this country is the ability to do one thing and say another.
Skeeter,"Yeah, but... if it weren't for all you guys protesting, why everyone around the world would hate the American people instead of just the President."
Gerald,"And if it weren't for you people flexing your arms, America could easily get taken over by terrorists or... or China."
Mr. Mackey,I guess we... owe you an apology.
Stuart,"Eh-ah, I guess we owe you one."
Townsfolk,Awww.
Kyle,Cartman? Cartman saved the day?
Stan,Can't be
Cartman,"The Founding Fathers want you all to know that we can disagree all we want, as long as we agree that America kicks ass."
Skeeter,Hey I'm a little bit country
Randy,And I'm a little bit rock-n-roll-AH!
Skeeter,I'll be the muscle of America
Randy,"And me, I'll be the caring soul."
Together,"And when you put us together you get a nation with one goal To thrive and prosper, with a little country and rock and roll."
Randy,"Come on up here, everybody!"
Everybody,"We're a little bit country, and we're a little bit rock-n-roll"
Stuart,"We can be a nation that believe in war,"
Mr. Mackey,And still tells the world that we don't.
Everybody,"Let the flag for hypocrisy fly high from every pole Cuz we're a little bit country, and we're a little bit rock-n-roll."
Randy,"Well, goodnight everybody. It sure has been great bringing you a hundred episodes."
Skeeter,"We want to thank our guests, the pro-war people.  And the anti-war people."
Stan,What the hell are they doing now?
Kyle,I-I don't know.
Everybody,"For the war, against, the war, WHO CARES?? One hundred episodes!"
Kyle,I hate this town. I-I really really do.
Kyle,"...And in conclusion, the Latino community has provided America, and indeed, the entire world with innovations that we would be lost without. And that is my presentation on the role of Hispanics in American technology. Thank you."
Principal Victoria,"Okay, thank you, Kyle Broflovski."
Mr. Mackey,"That was very good, Kyle. I think the Latino Endowment Council was very happy with your presentation. Looks like you might win."
Kyle,Cool.
Principal Victoria,"All right, students, members of the school board. Our last speaker will discuss the important role of Latinos in the arts. Here is... Eric Cartman.  Eric Cartman?"
Cartman,Thank you. The Latino culture has been very influential on the arts in America. But you don't have to ask me. You can ask my special guest. Miss Jennifer Lopez.
Kids,Jennifer Lopez?
Kyle,No way.
Cartman,"Miss Lopez, come on out here."
Principal Victoria,"Oh, Jesus Christ."
Cartman,"Ms. Lopez, would you like to talk about Latinos and the arts?"
Cartman,"Oh, you mean this one?"
Cartman,"There we go, Saright?"
Cartman,That's a very pretty dress.
Cartman,"Nonono, you're Jennifer Lopez"
Cartman,"Nono, Jeh-"
Cartman,Jeh-
Cartman,Jeh
Cartman,Jennifer Lopez
A Council Member,"Hahahahaha, oh my."
Cartman,"Ms. Lopez, could you show everyone your example of Latino arts?"
Cartman,And that is my presentation on Latinos in the arts. Thank you.
Cartman,Oh-hoh man! A twenty-dollar gift certificate at the mall! I can buy whatever I want! Cultural Diversity Day kicks ass!
Kyle,It isn't fair. I spent weeks preparing my speech on Latino culture.
Cartman,"Hey, I spent weeks preparing too, Kyle."
Kyle,"No you didn't, asshole! What you did was totally stupid and racist! And you only did it to screw me over!"
Cartman,"Awww, I don't think Kyle likes you, Ms. Lopez."
Cartman,"Ms. Lopez, do you like Kyle?"
Cartman,"Ms. Lopez, would you like to give Kyle a kiss?"
Cartman,Is nice?
Kyle,Stop it!
Cartman,"Hey, come one guys! We can use part of my gift certificate to buy food at the food court."
Kenny,(Woohoo!)
Kyle,"Stop wasting the tacos on your hand, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Hey, Ms. Lopez has to eat, too."
Kyle,"She's not eating it, it's just coming out her backside!"
Kenny,"(Heheehee, heheh yeahah)"
Kyle,"Nonono, we're not going into one of those cheesy places, Cartman!"
Cartman,I agree. Those places are stupid.
Stan,"Look, we're not going in there, so just-! Wait, why the hell am I talking to your hand?  Look, we're not going in there, so just knock it off!"
Cartman,"Hey, I'm on your guys' side."
Kyle,God dammit!
Cashier,Welcome to Make Your Own Video. All set to rock and roll?
Cashier,"Uh, well, it's nine ninety five for a three-minute tape."
Cartman,Heh! We're not paying nine ninety five!
Kyle,"Cartman, will you stop this gayness?!"
Cartman,"All right all right, here's ten dollars!"
Kyle,That's not what I meant!
Cashier,"All right, just come over here and stand in front of the green screen.  What kind of song do you want?"
Cashier,"You know, I've seen a lot of videos here at the mall, and that was by far the best!"
Cashier,"Hey, I've got a friend who's interning at a big record label in L.A. I'll send a copy on to him and maybe he'll get the bigwigs to see ya."
Kyle,"Can we go now, please?!"
Cartman,"Yeah, I wanna leave."
Kyle,"Stop it, Cartman!"
Cartman,What?
BHI President,She's fantiastic. Who is she?
Aide 1,"Believe it or not, her name is Jennifer Lopez"
Aide 2,That makes sense. She reminds me of J-Lo.
BHI President,"Yeah, but she's younger and spicier."
Aide 2,I don't think J-Lo would like it very much if we signed this new girl.
BHI President,"No, you're right. We're gonna have to fire J-Lo."
Cartman,"Hello? ...BHI records? ...Oh, it's for you, Ms. Lopez."
Cartman,What do they want?
Cartman,S'awright?
Cartman,What? What?
Cartman,"Hello hello, are you still there?"
Cartman,You want to sign Ms. Lopez?
Cartman,"Yes! Yes, we can record an album next week! Sure we can write ten songs! We'll start tonight!!  We're gonna be rich!"
Cartman,"Come on, we gotta get to work on some songs!"
Cartman,There. That's three more songs we've written already! Your style of music is so easy it doesn't require any thought at all!
Cartman,"Okay, Ms. Lopez, time to go to sleep."
Cartman,"Good night, Ms. Lopez. Tomorrow is gonna be a great day. Great day tomorrow...  Tomorrow...  ""Kyle, you were wrong! We did do a record deal!""  ""You were wrong, Kyle!""  ""Nananananaaana!""  ""Hahahahahaaaha!""  ""Nananananaaana!"" ""Hahahahahaaaha!""  Awesommme. Yeeessss."
Man 1,Ms. Lopez! Up here!
Man 2,"Jennifer, We love you Jennifer!"
Man 3,"Jennifer, over here."
Man 4,Jennifer!
Female fan,We love you Jennifer!
BHI President,"Ah, Ms. Lopez, come on in."
Jennifer Lopez,"Yo, make it quick. I got a video shoot at two and a script reading at five."
BHI President,"Yes, well uh, Ms. Lopes, we regret to inform you that, uh... we're dropping you from the label."
Jennifer Lopez,What? Oh no you di'n't!
Aide 1,"We wanna thank you for all your hard work and ...""talent""."
Jennifer Lopez,You can't drop me! I'm Jennifer Lopez! How can you drop me?!
BHI President,"Wu-well a very talented younger singer has come to our attention and, and the truth of the matter is her name happens to be Jennifer Lopez as well. And we really can't have two here at BHI Records."
Jennifer Lopez,Who the hell is this other Jennifer Lopez?! Where 'os she come from?!
Aide 1,"Well, she lives in South Park, Colorado now, but uh I believe she originally from Mexico, just like you."
Jennifer Lopez,I don't come from no Mexico! I'm Puer'ah Rican!
BHI President,"Whatever. Look, it's nothing persona, we just think you need to move on."
Aide 2,Bu- AND you're a mean-spirited bitch who spits on people who aren't rich and famous.
Reporter,And sources say that the new film will star Ben Affleck.
Ben,"Huhuhuh, that's me.  How'd it go, baby?"
Jennifer Lopez,"Terrible, Ben! Some girl in Colorado is trying to become the new Jennifer Lopez!  Shut up!"
Ben,What?? Who could replace you??
Jennifer Lopez,Yo driver. Stupid driver!
Driver,"Yes, ma'am. Where to?"
Jennifer Lopez,"Take me to South Park, Colorado! I'm gonna kill that bitch!!"
Cartman,Hey everybody! Listen up! I've got something to tell Kyle!
Kyle,...What?
Cartman,"Hahahahahaaaha! Hahahahahaaaha! Hahaha, Hahaha, Hahahahahahaha!"
Stan,What are you gloating about?
Cartman,"Oh, I'm not gloating. I just got a little call from a record company in Los Angeles and, they want Ms. Lopez to recored an album next week."
Kids in Class,"Wow, really?"
Kyle,No!
Cartman,"Yup, looks like I'm gonna be rich.  And famous."
Mr. Garrison,"Olay, children, let's take our seats. If you'll remember yesterday we were discussing state capitals."
Butters,"Hey, a big limousine just pulled up in front of the school!"
Mr. Garrison,"Butters, will you pay attention, please?"
Butters,"Holy smokes, it's Jennifer Lopez!"
Cartman,Jennifer Lopez?
Butters,"Holy geez wow! There's Ben Affleck, too!"
A boy,"Wow, cool!"
Mr. Garrison,"Will you kids shut up?  Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are not-! Oh my God, that's Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck."
Mr. Slave,"Oh Jesus, will you look at those boots?"
Mr. Garrison,Well what are we waiting for? Let's get outside!
Principal Victoria,Is it true? Jennifer Lopez is here?
Mr. Mackey,Here she comes! Here she comes!
Jennifer Lopez,"Okay! What smart-mouthed little punk-ass bitch has been saying they're the new Jennifer Lopez, huh?!"
Principal Victoria,"J-Lo, can we get a picture of you with the kids?"
Jennifer Lopez,"No! Shut up! If I find the ho who thinks she's taken my career from me, I'm gonna wring her pretty little neck!  So, nobody want's to fess up, huh? Too scared to talk?! You'd better remember, bitch, that I'll come and take you down if you ever say anythin' again!"
Jennifer Lopez,Who was that?!  You go' a problem?!
Cartman,Not me!
Jennifer Lopez,Then who?
Jennifer Lopez,What the hell is that?!
Jennifer Lopez,That? That's what replaced me?!
Cartman,I'm sure it was just a mistake.
Cartman,Shut your God-damned mouth!
Jennifer Lopez,"You fucking smartass, who do you think you are?!"
Cartman,Nobody
Jennifer Lopez,Fuck you!
Cartman,Yaaaaah! Wait! I'm sorry! Ah I'll stop! I'll stop!
Jennifer Lopez,You'd better stop!
Cartman,I will
Ben,"Come on, Jenny, let's go"
Ben,"Come on, Jenny, let's goBebe:Wow, Ben Affleck."
Ben,We shouldbe getting back to the uh...
Jennifer Lopez,"Don' you forget what'll happen to you, ho! Come on, Benny!"
Kyle,"Well, there you go, fatass! I hope you learned your lesson."
Cartman,Yeah. I sure did. I don't think I should record that album now.
Kyle,Good.
Kyle,"Aw, God-dammit!"
Cartman,"Ohnonono, Ms. Lopez."
Kyle,That does it. I'm out.
Aide 1,"All right, Ms. Lopez, take it from the top."
BHI President,"Gentlemen, we have ourselves a hit."
Cartman,What the hell are you doing?
Cartman,"Look, we spent all night at the recording studio. Now it's time to sleep!"
Cartman,Sleep!
Cartman,Sleep!
Cartman,Moooommm!
Liane,"What's the matter, sweetie?"
Cartman,Ms. Lopez won't go to sleep!
Cartman,Heyesss.
Ben,"Hey, I was wondering if I could talk to Ms. Lopez."
Cartman,She's not here right now.
Ben,"Jenny? Yes, Jenny, eheh, it's me! Where are you? Please, I-I have to see her!"
Ben,"Jenny, I just can't stop thinking about you."
Ben,"I've been meaning to write a song or a poem, but I have no talent."
Ben,Will you just take a ride with me in my awesome car?
Cartman,NO!
Cartman,I'm not going out in his car.
Cartman,I don't care. I'm supposed to sit here and do my homework.
Cartman,"I don't care, 'cause I'm the one that's gonna get in trouble if you don't-! Okay, okay, wait, okay um, fine fine fine!"
Ben,Let's spend the whole day together!
Ben,"Jenny, I have to tell you something. I... I think I love you."
Ben,But what?
Ben,I still care for her. Maybe I always will. But... You just have so much more going on. Up here.
Ben,"Jenny, can I kiss you?"
Cartman,NO!
Cartman,"Aw, God dammit!  Aww- awww, dude!"
Ben,"Mmm, just like tacos."
Ben,"You're so hot, baby."
Ben,"Mm, yeah.  Oh, Jenny.  Oh Jenny!"
Ben,"Oh God, Jenny!"
Cartman,"OHH, SICK!! AWW THAT'S IT!  WE'RE LEAVING NOW!!"
Ben,But I love her!
Ben,"Jenny! Jenny, I'll call you!"
Aide 2,"Uh, that's fine Ms. Lopez. Look, it's been a long night. Why don't we pick it up in the morning?"
Jennifer Lopez,You little snot-nose!  You ruin my career and now you're trying to steal my man?!
Cartman,Aww crap.
Jennifer Lopez,You'd better stay away from him!
Cartman,OW! OW! OH JESUS! OW!
Liane,Oh dear.
Liane,Oh dear.Dr. Doctor:But I'm more concerned about his state of mind. Your son appears to be completely insane.
Cartman,I told you this would happen.
Kyle,"Cartman, you need to stop this stupid little game you're playing!"
Cartman,"Kyle is right, Ms. Lopez. From now on, we're staying away from Ben Affleck."
Kyle,I hate you.
Liane,"Come on, sweetie. Doctor says you need to get home and get lots of rest."
Cartman,EHAGH!  Moooooommmm!
Liane,"What is it, sweetie?"
Cartman,Ben Affleck is naked in my bed!
Liane,"Oooo, looks like the tooth fairy was extra-happy with youuu."
Ben,"Good morning, baby."
Cartman,You have to get out of here! Jennifer Lopez is gonna kick my ass again!
Cartman,What? Oh- AWWW!  Ben Affleck's spooge!!
Ben,Should we tell him the news?
Cartman,What news?
Ben,It's S'aright?
Cartman,S'aright.
Ben,We're getting married!!
Cartman,"Oh, balls!"
Kyle,Come in.  COME IN!!
Cartman,"Guys, I need to talk to you."
Stan,What's the matter?
Cartman,"I can't handle it anymore. All the fame and the Ben Affleck spooge, I... I just can't go on living with Ms. Lopez."
Kyle,So stop doing it!
Cartman,Stop doing what?
Kyle,You know God-damn well what! Now get outta here!
Cartman,"Please, you guys. It's like, I can't even have a moment to myself anymore. See?"
Kyle,"Aw, stop it, Cartman! Your hand hand doesn't need to breathe!"
Kyle,I can see your lips moving!
Kyle,See?! I just saw your lips move!
Cartman,Look! I'm just asking you guys for help. Will you please help me with Ms. Lopez.
Stan,What's she doing?
Kyle,"Come here!  You're not actually buying this crap, are you?!"
Stan,"I don't know, meh, maybe he can't help it."
Kyle,"Look, he knows full well what he's doing, and he's just waiting for us to buy into it, and then he'll laugh and point at our faces and say, ""Haha, I got you guys to believe me!"" ""You guys are stupid!"""
Stan,"Dude, do you really he would go through all this just to make us feel dumb?"
Kyle,"YES, dude!"
Stan,"Cartman, we decided that if you can be mature and admit to everyone that you've gotten yourself into this mess, then we'll help you."
Cartman,"Okay, okay, I know that I control everything Ms. Lopez does."
Cartman,"Quiet, Ms. Lopez."
Kyle,Out!
Cartman,Guys... Uh... Uh...
Ben,"There you are, Jenny! I've been lookin' all over for you, baby!  Jenny?"
Aide 1,"Ms. Lopez, you were due in the studio two hours ago! Come on!"
Jennifer Lopez,"So you're gettin' married, huh?"
Ben,Don't you hurt her!
BHI President,We'll sue you!
Kyle,Oh Jesus.
Police Officer 1,"Freeze, leafblower!"
Aide 1,Arrest that woman! She wants to kill one of our artists!
Police Officer 2,"All right, you're going downtown, bean-breath."
Ben,"Jenny! Oh, I thought I was goin' lose you! Let's run away and get married tonight!"
Aide 2,"Hey, she can't get married tonight, she has a recording session!"
Ben,Our love is like rain!
Jennifer Lopez,"That's what you said about me, asshole!"
BHI President,Get her out of here!
Jennifer Lopez,Fuck you!
Police Officer 2,"Shut up, picante pants!"
BHI President,You're not?
Police Officer 2,Who is Mitch Connor?
Kyle,"Oh no, no, nonono."
Kyle,Stop. It.
Police Officer 2,"Well, looks like Mitch Connor has cashed in his last chips."
Kyle,"Dude, who the hell is Mitch Connor?"
Cartman,"I don't know, Kyle, all right? Look, I don't care what you guys believe. But with all the crazy stuff that goes on in this town, isn't it possible, just possible, that something I don't understand happened here?"
Kyle,"All right.  All right, I guess it's possible."
Cartman,Hahahahahaaaha!  I got you kinda! I got you kinda!
Manager,"Okay, Ms. Lopez, over here we have the toppings station. This is where all your cheeses and lettuce go on.  ."
Jennifer Lopez,"Ow. Look out, muffinhead!"
Manager,"Ahh, look, Ms. Lopez, uh, if you're gonna be a member of the La Taco family, you're gonna have to learn to get along with people."
Jennifer Lopez,Get a what with who?
Manager,Uh why don't you start chopping those onions and I'll come check on you a little later?
Jennifer Lopez,This is bullshit! How the fuck did I end up working in a La Taco?! I had six platinum records and I starred in five Hollywood movies!
Coworker,Yeah. Me too.
Chris,"Yes?  Oh, hello, boys."
Cartman,"Hello, sir. South Park Junior Detectives. We're wondering if you have any crimes to be solved, for a dollar."
Chris,"Oooo, little crime stoppers, huh? Well, I'm afraid I don't have any crimes I need solved right now."
Kyle,"Awww, shit!"
Stan,"All right, sir, well, please call us if you need anything."
Chris,"I'll do that. Have fun, boys."
Cartman,Stupid assholes!  How come nobody has a crime to solve?
Kyle,"Yeah, maybe starting a detective club isn't such a bright idea."
Stan,"It's a great idea, we just have to keep working at it."
Mrs. Farnickle,"Oh, hello there boys."
Stan,"Hello, ma'am, we're detectives with the South Park Crime Unit. Do you have any crimes you need to be solved, for a dollar?"
Mrs. Farnickle,"Ohh, neighborhood detectives, huh? Well let me thi-oh yes! There is something!"
Kyle,Really?
Mrs. Farnickle,"Yes. Two days ago I put a fresh baked cherry pie out on my window sill to cool.  And later, when I went to get it, it was gone."
Cartman,My God...
Stan,Have you reported this to any other authorities?
Mrs. Farnickle,"Noo, but I think it's a perfect case for you kids."
Kyle,"Cool! We'll see what we can find, ma'am."
Stan,We're on the case.
Cartman,"What have you got, Marsh?"
Stan,Detective McCormick found something interesting.
Cartman,"Jesus, we're too late."
Kyle,I think we can piece this case together now.
Mrs. Farnickle,"My pie tin! Oooh, but what happened to the pie?"
Kyle,"Well, we've all talked it through and we've come up with a theory."
Mr. Farnickle,"Well, what do you think happened, little detectives?"
Stan,"You said you set the pie in the window sill, where it must have sat for some time.  But its sweet smell attracted the attention of somebody."
Kyle,"Your husband.  He wanted that pie badly, but he knew that he was not allowed to eat it yet."
Cartman,"Slowly the rage built inside his mind.  ""Why won't she let me eat that pie? Why does she always stop me from doing what I wanna do?!"" His only solution became obvious: Kill her!"
Stan,His plan was to use a hammer.
Cartman,"Bash, bash, BASH your skull in, causing instant death."
Stan,"Then to make it impossible for police to identify the body, he'd use a shovel to remove your head."
Kyle,Then saw off the arms and legs.
Cartman,The torso he would dump into the lake.
Stan,The arms and legs he would dissolve with acid and lye in the bathtub.
Cartman,"And then, finally, he'd be able to eat that pie."
Kyle,"But before he could go through with this entire plan, he discovered that the pie had already been eaten...  ...by your dog."
Cartman,"Looks like the game is over, old man!"
Mrs. Farnickle,"Oh my God, what kind of television have you kids been watching??"
Stan,Just the news.
Mrs. Farnickle,"All right, all right, you you boys run along now."
Stan,"Hey, you owe us a dollar, lady."
Mrs. Farnickle,"Fine, here, just go!"
Stan,"Wow, look, you guys! Our first dollar!"
Kyle,We're in business!
Cartman,"Kenny, you got the f-a-g on that perp in Washington"
Liane,"Boys, you have a little visitor."
Girl,Is this the South Park Crime Unit?
The Boys,Ah! Oh.
Stan,Yes it is!
Girl,I lost my dolly.
Cartman,"Thank you, Ms. Secretary, that will be all.  And get some more cookies and coffee! We're not paying you to sit on your ass!"
Kyle,Do you kow where your doll is?
Girl,"If I knew where it was, it wouldn't be lost."
Stan,"All right, Sarah, come over here.  Now, I want you to describe what the doll looks like to our sketch artist, Kenny."
Sarah,She has curly blonde hair. And a red dress. And a turned-up nose. And a blue bow in her hair.
Stan,"You got it, Ken?"
Kyle,"All right, let's see.  Dammit Kenny, that's not what she said!"
Stan,"Put that away, dude!"
Cartman,"Don't worry, ma'am. We'll find your doll."
Cartman,No sign of forced entry.
Kyle,But the window isn't locked.
Stan,"Right, so it's possible that the thief sat out in that tree.  He would have watched Sarah with the doll, possibly while cutting the palms of his hands with a large knife.  The pain gave him sick pleasure."
Kyle,Disposing of the doll wouldn't be easy. He would have had to have brought a shovel to decapitate it.
Cartman,We're going to need semen samples from everything in this room.
A Boy,"All right, let's do this by the books! McDonnell,  give me smears of all the places the doll used to be!  Mitchell,  run a tap on the phone!"
Stan,"Hey, kid, what are you doing?"
The Boy,"Agent Tucker, FBI! And you?"
Stan,Detective Marsh. I'm in charge of this investigation!
Tucker,"...Not anymore, you're not!"
Cartman,"Hey, this is our case! You can't come in and take over!"
Tucker,Can't we? You guys are playing Detective. We're playing FBI. That gives us jurisdiction over you!
Stan,Aw crap!
Tucker,I want choppers on the roof ready to go!
Kyle,"Dude, we've been working this case since two-thirty!"
Tucker,Good. Then you can help us by telling me everything you know.
Stan,Son of a bitch stupid FBI!
Cartman,"Well, I guess we can go back to playing laundromat."
Stan,No! We're not gonna stop playing detectives! We've just gotta find that doll before thos FBI guys do.
Kenny,(Yeah!)
Kyle,"Yeah, but how?"
Stan,We're gonna have to just start bringing in people for questioning.
Cartman,Right. I think I know exactly where to start.
Cartman,"Where were you this morning at nine o'clock, Butters?!"
Butters,"Ah, I was at home."
Cartman,Your story is full of holes and I'm gonna beat your ass if you don't start tellin' the truth!
Kenny,"(Awww, don't be so mean. Butters is our friend, huh?)"
Stan,They've gotten really good at this good cop-bad cop thing.
Cartman,"You're going down, Butters! You hear me?!"
Kenny,"(Aw, now don't say that. Poor little kid.)"
Cartman,You're a worthless two-dollar criminal and you're lying!
Kenny,"(Aww, it's okay, little fella.)"
Butters,Well I don't have nothin' to confess. Honestly.
Cartman,Fine! Then you won't mind giving us a semen sample.
Butters,How do I do that?
Cartman,You just make the semen come out of your body and put it in this cup!
Butters,Well how do I make semen... come out of my body?
Cartman,Stop playing games!
Butters,I'm not playing. I really don't know!
Cartman,"That does it! Wait right here!  Guys, did you hear that? Butters doesn't know how you make semen come out of your body."
Kyle,How... do you make semen come out?
Cartman,I don't know. I was hoping you guys did.
Stan,It's that thing we learned about in school where you pull on your wiener until white stuff comes out.
Cartman,Really?
Kyle,"Ohh, right, you're supposed to pull and master-benate your wiener really fast."
Cartman,"Oh okay.  Okay, retard, you really don't know how to make semen come out?!"
Butters,No!
Cartman,Follow me to the bathroom.
Kenny,"(Aw, it's okay, kid. It's not going to hurt.)"
Cartman,"Now, go sit on the toilet and pull and tug on your wiener until white stuff comes out, and then put it in this cup."
Butters,My weiner??
Cartman,"Yes, retard. Semen comes from your wiener. Now do it!  Well Butters?!"
Butters,"Ah I'm pullin' on my wiener, but nothin's happening."
Cartman,Well pull harder!
Butters,...ow... Ow... It's not workin'
Cartman,Try doin' it faster
Butters,"Ow. Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow. Naw, nothin'"
Cartman,"Butters, do you wanna go to jail for the rest of your life?!"
Butters,NOOooo!
Cartman,The you'd better get that semen sample no matter how long it takes!
Butters,Okay!!
Stan,Cartman! Cartman! We just got a tip that a doll was found near Fosse's house!
Cartman,Let's go!
Butters,...ow... Ow!
Fosse,"Huhuh, Okay Ms., Ms. Jones, heh, me and Doctor... Flick here just need to... check your vagina."
Bill,That's gay.
Fosse,"Yeah, that's gay."
Cartman,Kyle!
Kyle,What?  What??
Cartman,"I see two guys inside. They have Sarah Peterson's doll, you stupid Jew!"
Kyle,They've got the doll!
Stan,"Okay, okay. Ready? Break the door down!"
Fosse,Huh huh who is it?!
Stan,South Park Junior Detectives! We know you have Sarah Peterson's doll!
Fosse,They're playing Detective.
Bill,That's gay.
Fosse,You're gay!
Kyle,What do we do now?
Stan,I don't know.
Cartman,"Well if they're not gonna give us back the doll, then we have no choice. Let's go tell on them."
Stan,"Dude, we just can't tell on them."
Cartman,Why not?
Kyle,"Because, dude, we're playing detectives! Detectives don't just go tell on people."
Fosse,"Detectives!  If you don't get out of here, we're gonna rip the doll's head off!"
Bill,Yeah.
Fosse,We were playing gynecologists and now we're playing criminals
Bill,That's gay.
Fosse,We're gay.
Stan,Jesus! They're gonna kill her!
Kyle,We've got to do something.
Cartman,"Time! Time is what we need, but time is something we ain't got!"
Tucker,Attention! You in the house!  This is Agent Tucker with the FBI! We have you surrounded. Sort of.
Stan,"Hey, you buttholes can't play FBI here!"
Cartman,Yeah! This was our hot lead!
Tucker,"And you did a great job leading us here. Now you just stay out of our way!  The gig is up, Fosse! Bring out the doll! Or we'll tell on you!"
Stan,We're gonna charge the front door and go get it.
Tucker,No you're not.
Cartman,"Damnit man, this is not the time for negotiations! There's a little doll in there about to have her head twisted off!"
Tucker,"Time out, kid! We say you can't charge the front door, and you have to obey what the FBI says! That's the rules!"
Stan,Just because your parents can afford better toys than ours doesn't make you better than us!
Tucker,Yes it does so!
Kyle,...Grrrr!!!
Kenny,(What do we do now?)
Stan,We go get the doll ourselves.
Kyle,But they said we can't charge the front door.
Stan,That's right.  But they didn't say anything about going in the back.
Tucker,Come on guys. You don't wanna hurt that doll.
Bill,"Huhuh.  Oh crap, they're coming in the back!  That's gay."
Stan,"Bang bang bang! I got you, Fosse!"
Fosse,No you didn't!
Stan,Did so!
Fosse,"No, 'cause I got... special wizard armor on."
Kyle,"We're not playing Dungeons and Dragons, assface!"
Cartman,"All right, that does it! Cover me! I'm going slo-mo!  Wwwaaahhh!"
Fosse,"Oooh, they got me!  Whooaaa, whooaaa, whooaaa."
Bill,"rr uh rr uh, uhhhh."
Fosse,We're dead.
Bill,That's gay.
Stan,We got it.
Stan,"Ms. Peterson, is your daughter home?"
Sarah,My dollie!
Cartman,We got her back safe. We lost a lot of good men in the process.
Sarah's Mom,Well you boys are little heroes. I'm going to call the police department and let them know what brave little detectives you are!
Dawson,"Hello there little crime stoppers, I'm Lieutenant Dawson with the Park County Police. I heard you did a great job finding Sarah Peterson's doll."
Stan,"We do what we can, sir."
Dawson,"W-hell, that's fantastic, kids. And for all your terrific sleuth-solving, I'm hereby making you all Junior Detectives."
Kyle,Wow!
Dawson,That means you boys are now an official part of the department.
Cartman,Kewl!
Dawson,"All right, so ready for your first assignment?"
Stan,Sure.
Dawson,Okay. There's a meth lab down at 567 Mala Vista. The operators are probably armed to the hilt with illegal weapons. I want you to get down there and see what you can find!
Kyle,Ah... a a a meth lab?
Dawson,"I don't want any problems. Just take them down by the books. Now get over there; the mayor's all over my ass on this one!  On, and deputies: you screw this up and I'll have you working graveyard shift behind a desk! Move it!"
Kyle,"What is a meth lab, anyway?"
Stan,I don't know. Let's just hurry up. I wanna get home in time to watch Crime Drama.
Stan,"Uh police. Open up. ...Oh crap, did you guys do your math homework?"
Kyle,"Nah. Dude, I totally spaced it."
Man 1,"You die, pigs!  You want to die, huh?"
Man 3,You won't take us alive!
Man 5,"So long, coppers!  Oh, shit!"
Stan,Damn.
Dawson,"One UPS vehicle valued at twenty-five thousand dollars, one civilian vehicle valued at sixteen thousand, the second floor of the post office AND a coffee shop valued at sixteen thousand! The mayor's gonna have my ass!"
Stan,"Uh, sir, we just kinda got blind-sided by the-"
Dawson,"You got careless! Now, I don't know how they do things down at that dog-and-pony show they call the Fourth Grade, but here we have rules! Jesus, we don't have guys to question now, because you killed them all!"
Kyle,We're sorry.
Dawson,One more slip-up like that and I'll have your badges! You hear me?! Now hit the showers!
Officer 1,"Well well well, if it isn't the supercops."
Officer 2,"Hey Murphy, think they'll let me borrow their G.I. Joes?"
Officer 4,"Come on, you guys. Leave them alone."
Murphy,"Relax, Hopkins!  All fun and games, right?  Soho, tell us, rookies, you ah... find yourself a little bonus in that house??"
Cartman,Uh bonus?
Murphy,Come on! We all skim a little off the top. Oh. Or are you too good for that?  So you think you're gonna waltz in here and clean up the system. Is that it?
Stan,We just wanna be junior detectives.
Murphy,"LOOK, we all work hard! And we deserve more than the thirty-thousand a year we get paid! So what if we take in a little on the side?"
Officer 2,Yeah! Who the hell are you to say that?!
Hopkins,"I said, back off Murphy!"
Murphy,Why don't you and your rookie friends make us
Officer 2,"That's right. Come on, bring it!"
Officer 3,"Yeah, let's go! Come on, bring it!"
Dawson,What the hell is the problem here??
Murphy,"No problem, sir. No problem at all."
Dawson,"Then hit the showers, all of ya!"
Kyle,"Dude, I don't wanna play Detective anymore."
Cartman,Me neither.
Stan,"It'll get better, guys."
Kyle,"Better how, dude?"
Stan,"Look, we said we wanted to form a club to protect and serve South Park. We put all this time to it, I mean... What do you guys wanna do, huh? Go back to playing Car Mechanics? Or Laundromat Owners?"
Kyle,We were happy playing Laundromat Owners.
Stan,"I wasn't. We started playing Detective because we wanted our play time to mean something. Or have you forgotten why you joined the force, Kyle?"
Cartman,Hey! Broflovski's a good cop!
Stan,"You guys can go back to playing Laundromat Owners if you want, but... I'm not gonna give those kids playing the FBI a chance to laugh at us. See you guys at school tomorrow."
Cartman,Awwwwrrr-auugh.
Liane,"Eric, where have you been? It's ten thirty."
Cartman,We had to take down a meth lab on Mala Vista.
Liane,Well you should've called Mommy.
Cartman,"Will you get off my back?! It's hard enough I gotta work the beat, and now I gotta come home to your nagging?!  Look look, I'm I'm sorry. It's just this case, and... the guys down at the station, I... I'm tired, alright? I'm I'm tired."
Liane,"Well, why don't you get ready for snoogums' night-night, and I'll bring you some toasty chocolate nummers?"
Cartman,Okay.
Butters,Who-o-o-o-a. Oowwww!
Cartman,Butters?
Butters,Yes?
Cartman,Are you still trying to give a semen sample?
Butters,"Well I'm tryin', but nothin's comin' out."
Cartman,"Well, keep tryin', Butters."
Butters,Okay.  Ow. Ooww!
Mr. Garrison,"And so you can see, children, that the women's movement of the late fifties and the early sixties had a profound effect on feminism in America.  Uh, boys!  Would it trouble you terribly not to sleep in my class?"
Kyle,"Uh wu we weren't sleeping, Mr. Garrison."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh well, then maybe you can tell me who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early sixties!"
Cartman,A bunch of fat old skanks on their periods?
Mr. Garrison,"Right, but who was the fattest oldest skank on her period?!  That's what I thought! Now pay attention!  Okay, children, now, the biggest fatass was an old skank by the name of-"
Dawson,Marsh! Broflovski! McCormick! Cartman! In my office!
The Boys,Eeagh!
Dawson,Looks like that meth lab you took down was the tip of the iceberg. They found a paper trail leading all the way to the biggest crime syndicate in Colorado.
Cartman,Un oh...
Dawson,"The operators apparently run their business out of a sleazy strip joint down in Inglewood. They're all cop killers, so I'm sending you in undercover."
Kyle,"Uh, sir, d'I have a lot of homework to do tonight and I was-"
Dawson,"What?! Now you listen to me! I'm givin' you one last chance! You're good cops, but you let your emotions get in the way! And your little ""shoot first ask questions later"" technique has no place in this century! Now you get down to that strip joint and you do it by the books, you got it?! The mayor is on my ass and blablablah!"
Murphy,"So, what did you boys have to say to the lieutenant?"
Stan,"Nothing, he just told us a bunch of stuff."
Murphy,Maybe you decided you needed to tell him about our... bonus money.
Kyle,No.
Officer 2,They're lying.
Murphy,They're dead!
Kyle,"Dude, if my mom knew I was in here, I would be in super big trouble."
Kenny,(Woohoo!!)
Stripper,Would you like a dance?
Stan,No thanks.
Stripper,Dance?  Anyone like a dance?
DJ,"Well all right, guests, put your hands together. Be sure to tip the dancers. And now, come on, let's hear it for Candy!"
Bouncer,"Whoa whoa, what the hell are you kids doin' in here? This isn't an appropriate place for children"
Stripper,Dance? Anyone like a dance?
Kyle,"Uh, it's okay. We know the owner."
Stripper,"Oh, really? Let's go see."
Owner,"All right, so we'll have to start havin' the McCormicks make our meth again and-"
Bouncer,"Hey Gino, these kids say they know you."
Gino,What? Ha-I don't know no kids.
Bouncer,"I didn't think so. All right, you kids-"
Gino,Hey wait a minute. These kids might be just what we need to get our drugs past the security at DIA. How would you like to join our family?
Tall Goon,"Yo Gino, I know I've seen these kids before, man. These kids are 5-0!"
Gino,What?
Tall Goon,"These kids are cops, man!"
Cartman,Bang bang bang...
"Stan, Kyle, Cartman",Bang bang bang...
Kenny,(Pakew! Pakew!)
Cartman,"Kenny, it doesn't go ""Pakew! Pakew!"", it goes ""BANG BANG BANG!!"""
Dawson,God damnit! Those junior detectives and their heroicly reckless ways! Murphy! Jenkins! Hopkins! Get in there!
Stripper,Dance??? Anybody like a dance???
Hopkins,"Freeze! South Park detectives!  Great job, boys. You found the meth boss!"
Gino,Detective Murphy! Jenkins! Uh what the hell are you doing? We had a deal.
Hopkins,A deal?
Murphy,"That's right. We're partners in the drug business. Everything was fine until these ""supercops"" joined the force."
Jenkins,Now we've gotta kill you all.
Hopkins,Boys! Down!
DJ,"Huh alright guys, put your hands together, a lot of shootin' and killin' goin' on, but be sure to tip your waitress let's hear it for Rebecca."
Dawson,Christ! Those junior detectives have no regard for the law!
Lead FBI agent,Get me a hard line to the phone! And I want choppers on the roof!
Dawson,Who the hell are you??
Lead FBI agent,"Agent Fields, FBI!"
Dawson,"Hey, I'm in charge of this investigation."
Fields,"Not anymore, you're not."
Dawson,But that's not fair!
Fields,Is so! Is so!
Jenkins,"Sorry, Detective Hopkins. We can't let anybody know about our partnership."
Gino,"That's right. We split it all, fifty-fifty!"
Murphy,That's right.  I think we'll take a hundred percent now.
Jenkins,"Huhuh yeah. Sorry, Gino, but in business like this, sometimes partnerships need to end."
Murphy,"That's right.  Sometimes partnerships need to end.  Well, supercops, looks like I'll be taking in all the money now. I'm in business alone. And that means that the only person I can't trust... is myself."
Hopkins,"It looks like Murphy and Jenkins got what they deserved. If it weren't for you boys, we would have never cleaned up the department."
Dawson,"All right, detectives, let's get one thing straight! I do not agree with your methods! You're uncontrolled, and you're negligent! But by God you get the job done. Congratulations!"
Stan,Thanks.
Dawson,"I'm probably going to regret this, but, well, I'm promoting you to full detectives. There'll be lots of action, and that big paycheck you've always wanted."
Stan,...I think I have a better idea.
Kyle,"Hello, sir. Welcome to the Broflovski Laundromat."
Stan,"Yes, I have a suit that needs to be dry-cleaned. And pressed, please."
Kyle,Certainly.
Cartman,"Here you are, Mister McCormick. Your laundry is all done and folded. That will be nine ninety five.  On your American Express."
Butters,Fellas! Hehey fellas! I got it! Ah I got my semen sample!
Cartman,You did?
Butters,"Yeah. I was up there poundin' my wiener for two days straight, aaand finally, I thought about Stan's Mom's boobs, and this little tiny spooge of... this white stuff came out."
Kyle,"That's great, Butters, but we're not playing Detective anymore. We're playing laundromat owners."
Cartman,Would you like those pants cleaned for four ninety five?
Stan,"Wow, dude."
Cartman,"Man, Indians have it good, huh?"
Randy,"Now, Eric, they're called Native Americans, remember? Show some respect."
Native American Chief,"Welcome to the Three Feathers Casino. I'm your host, Chief Runs With Premise. Please try your luck at one of our many games."
Cartman,"All right, let's go!"
Runs With Premise,Halt.  I am afraid minors cannot go onto the casino floor.
Cartman,"I'm not a miner, dumbass! Do you see a shovel in my hand?!"
Runs With Premise,You kids can enjoy our Native American Comedy Club.
Gerald,"All right, we're gonna hit the tables. Why don't you kids run along to the comedy club?"
Randy,"All right, time to win some money!"
Gerald,Oh yeah! blackjack table!
Blackjack Dealer,"Welcome to the blackjack table. May luck run through you, like the spirit of the buffalo."
Sheila,"Gerald, this is ten dollars a hand!"
Gerald,"Relax, sweetie  I know how to count cards."
Sheila,Well I don't wanna play here!
Sharon,"Yeah. Come on, Sheila, let's go to the nickel slots."
Randy,"Oooo, the nickel slots! You might win the thirty-dollar jackpot! Ahh, women, huh? God I hate 'em."
Gerald,"All right, time to show these people how to gamble!"
Announcer,Welcome to the Three Feathers Comedy Club. Please put your hands together for Johnny Manymoons!
Kyle,"What is Native American comedy, anyway?"
Manymoons,"Thank you, thank you. Bear walked into a bar. Bear said to Deer, ""May I please... have a drink?"" And so Deer said to Bear, ""Why the big paws?"""
Audience,Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
Manymoons,"Many moons ago, Pony and Eagle walked up to Coyote. Pony said to Coyote, ""I am very mad at Eagle. Will you yell at him for me?"" Coyote said to Pony, ""Why can you not yell yourself?"" And Pony replied, ""Because I am a little horse."""
Audience,Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
Randy,"How's it goin', Gerald?"
Gerald,"Ohh, not so good."
Randy,"Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm down three hundred bucks."
Gerald,Yeah. I'm down twenty-six thousand.
Randy,"Yeah, well, maybe we should- ...wait. Twenty-six thousand dollars??"
Gerald,"I forgot to tell you, ah I have a gambling problem."
Randy,"Gerald, twenty-six thousand-!"
Gerald,Sshhhh! I have to win it back before Sheila finds out!
Randy,Where did you get that kind of money??
Gerald,The casino gave me credit! I put the house up as collateral! But I still have this ten-dollar chip.
Blackjack Dealer,"Dealer, twenty one.  Sorry."
Gerald,That's it. I'm destitute.  Loan me money! You've gotta have money in the cup!  Wha- what's in the cup?
Randy,Just six quarters!
Gerald,Oh God. Oh Jesus.
Blackjack Dealer,Thank you for playing at Three Feathers. May your life be filled with the song of the sparrow.
Gerald,"Oh, shove the song of the sparrow up your ass!"
Gerald,"How am I going to tell my family?  How do I tell them that tomorrow, we have to ...pack up our things and ...get out of the house?"
Sheila,There's daddy!
Gerald,"Oh, Jesus."
Sheila,Where have you guys been? We've been looking all over.
Kyle,"Yeah. Come on, Dad, this place sucks. I wanna go."
Gerald,"What, What did you say?"
Kyle,I said I wanna leave.
Gerald,"Oh, you wanna leave, huh?! Okay, fine, Kyle, when we get home, we'll just pack up our things, load them in the car, and we'll leave!"
Kyle,"What?? No, no, I mean, I-"
Gerald,"No, no, no, if you wanna leave South Park, fine! Tomorrow we're leaving!"
Sheila,"Gerald, what are you talking about?"
Gerald,"Oh, you heard him, Sheila! Kyle wants to leave! Our nice old house doesn't interest Kyle anymore! Well I'm calling the moving company right now!"
Cartman,"Well, you shouldn't be such a dick, dude."
Sharon,What's wrong with Gerald?
Randy,He... he lost his house to the Native Americans.
Sharon,What?? But don't the Native Americans know he has nowhere else to go?
Randy,They don't care.
Runs with Premise,Look at them! Small-minded idiots pouring their life-savings away!
Elder 1,Their cash flows out of them like diarrhea from the buffalo.
Elder 2,"Yes, but we have milked this simple mountain folk almost dry. If we really want to see cash flow, we need to bring in city people from Denver."
Runs with Premise,"Yeessss. It is time for us to implement our plan.  A superhighway, built from Denver right to our casino!"
Aide 1,And what do we do about the small town of South Park that lies in the highway's way?
Runs with Premise,"Simple. We buy it, and we demolish it! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!"
Elders,Ha ha ha ha!
Mayor McDaniels,"And that's really all I can tell you. The town of South Park is going to be leveled, in order to make way for a twelve-lane superhighway."
Randy,But how can they do that?!
Mayor McDaniels,"The Native Americans have purchased the land from under us. Tomorrow, they're buying the last of what they need to have complete ownership."
Jimbo,Well can't we stop them? Let's call the bank.
Mayor McDaniels,The Native Americans bought the bank.
Mr. Garrison,Oh my God.
Mayor McDaniels,"Now, look, it isn't all horrible. The Native Americans are offering you retail values on your homes."
Randy,"No, screw that! We'll just pool our money together and buy the town ourselves!"
Chef,Yeah! Let the South Park people own South Park!
Randy,"How much do we have to raise, Mayor?"
Mayor McDaniels,Three hundred thousand dollars.
Randy,"Ohhh, never mind."
Butters,"How can they do that, huh? How can they make us all move away?"
Cartman,"Because they're rich, greedy-ass Indians!"
Kyle,Native Americans.
Stan,"Our whole town, gone. We'd had such great times here."
Stan,"We can't let them do it, you guys! We have to find a way to stop those Native Americans!"
The boys,Yeah!
Alex,"Yeah, this is our town!"
Stan,We shouldn't have to make a bunch of new friends somewhere else. We're a team!
"Kyle, Butters, Tweek",Yeah!
Cartman,That's right!
Butters,"Yeah, ahh, that's right!"
Alex,"Yeah, we're a team!"
Stan,We just gotta figure out a way to raise three hundred thousand dollars!
Cartman,"Wait a minute! I've got it, you guys! We can get Kyle infected with AIDS! And then start a charity organization that we steal money from! Come on, let's go!  No? We can't give Kyle AIDS?"
Stan,We need something that'll get us money tomorrow!
Butters,"Hey, I know! How about a dog parade?"
Kyle,Dog parade?
Butters,"Yeah! We dress up all our dogs in little outfits, and parade them down the street.  It'll be so adorable!"
Kyle,How do we make three hundred thousand dollars doing that?
Butters,"Oh... Uh well, we could sell tickets to our moms and dads."
Stan,"Our moms and dads are the ones who need money, Butters!"
Butters,Oh...
Cartman,"Maybe give Kyle AIDS, huh? Lookin' a little better now."
Sheila,"Oh, Gerald, I, I can't watch!"
Randy,How can you do this to people?
Runs with Premise,"We're sorry. But if we do not build a superhighway, our casino might stop seeing profits."
Randy,There's more to life than profits!
Runs with Premise,Well like what?
Randy,"Well like, you know, Slurpees and stuff."
Chris,"Well, come on, honey, I guess we should start packing up our things as well."
Mr. Garrison,"Yeah.  So long, South Park."
Stan,Mom! Dad! We figured out a way we could raise three hundred thousand dollars!
Chris,A dog parade?
Stan,No!
Randy,"Stan, we've all tried to raise money, but we only raise ten thousand dollars, and the deadline is tomorrow."
Stan,"I know. So how about we take the ten thousand dollars back to the Indian casino? Tell them, Kyle!"
Kyle,"The odds on a single number in roulette are thirty-five to one.  That means, with a ten thousand dollar bet, you win three hundred and fifty thousand."
Sheila,"Boys, that's ridiculous."
Stan,"Look, we- we've got nothing to lose."
Chef,What do you guys think?
Jimbo,It's a long shot.
Randy,Yeah.  But it's the only shot we've got to save our town.
Runs With Premise,"The residents of South Park had hoped to raise three hundred thousand dollars. but in the end managed to raise only ten. The loss of their town may be imminent for the poor people of South Park.  Awww, I think I'm going to cuwhy."
Two Elders,HA ha ha ha! HA ha ha ha!
Randy,"All right, boys. You're gonna have to wait here."
Stan,Dad.  Good luck.
Randy,"It's in God's hand now.  Stand aside, everyone!"
Runs With Premise,What are they doing?
Randy,"We're gonna try and beat you at your own game, Chief Runs With Premise! Ten thousand dollars!  On thirty one black!"
Runs With Premise,Impossible!
Stan,Come on! Come on!
Runs With Premise,Thirty one. Black.
Townsfolk,Yeah! All right! Woohoo! Oh we did it! We did it! Oh my God! Oh this is amazing!
Runs With Premise,No... NOOO!
Alex,South Park is saved.
Mr. Mackey,We have plenty enough to save our town now!
Gerald,"Yeah! But wait.  Three hundred and fifty thousand dollars. That means if we won again, it will be twelve and a quarter million!"
Mr. Garrison,We can save the town and be super-rich!
Randy,Oh hell yeah! Let it ride!
Gerald,Let it ride!!
Townsfolk,Woohoo! Yeah!
Kyle,What the hell are they doing??
Jimbo,Let's go thirty one! Let's see it!
Roulette Dealer,"Two, red. You lose."
Townsfolk,AWWWWWWW!!
Randy,Dammit!
Runs With Premise,Hmmm!
Stan,"They, they had it! They freakin' had it!"
Stan,You totally had it! You had enough to save the town and then some.
Randy,Stan? Okay? You just don't understand the fine points of gambling. You're never supposed to stop when you're on a winning streak.
Stan,A winning streak??!! You played one game!!!!
Randy,Stan? Okay?
Stan,What???
Randy,All right? Stan? Okay?
Stan,"You people just got greedy, like the Native Americans!"
Randy,"Hey, mister!! We're not like them, all right?!  Now, we may have pie in the sky dreams once in a while, but we aren't the ones kicking people out of their homes! So don't you compare us to those cold-hearted, money-grubbing, evil stinky Indians!  I'm sorry, Native Americans."
Elder 2,"There you are, sir. There's the check for your home. Just sign here, and here."
Mr. Garrison,"Well, this is it, Mr. Slave. We're officially homeless."
Mr. Slave,Jesus! Jesus Christ!
Stan,"Dad, what are you doing?! Don't take their dirty money!"
Randy,"Stanley, we don't have a choice. The Native Americans own South Park now. We have to take what they'll give us for our homes."
Elder 3,There you go. Have a nice day.
Stan,"Come on, you guys! This is our town!"
Mr. Mackey,"It's over, Stanley. What else can we do?"
Stan,We can stay. And fight.
Cartman,"Yeah! When the Indians come to tear up our town, we kick 'em in the nuts!"
Kenny,(Yeah!)
Alex,Yeah! They don't own our town! We do!
Chef,"I'm sorry, boys. You just don't understand economics."
Randy,"It'll be okay, boys, we'll just... move to the next town over."
Stan,"Oh sure. Until the Native Americans decide they want that land, too! What if the Native Americans just keep building their casinos and their highways uh, until we have nowhere else to go?? We have to stand up to them now!  Rrrgh! Forget it! Come on, you guys!"
Cartman,You're all a bunch of God-damned pussies!
Runs with Premise,Get out of our way!
Stan,No! We won't let you destroy our town!
Runs with Premise,Boys. It isn't your town anymore.
Stan,"Just because you have a piece of paper saying you own it doesn't make it yours. We grew up here. Our parents grew up here. We shop at that Wal-Mart, and eat at that Chili's. We take fish from the streams and bread them and freeze them to make fish sticks. This is not just a town, it is our way of life."
Elder 1,"Well your way of life is about to change, little boys. Now move!"
Kyle,You can't just roll into places and take people's lives away!
A Driver,"And what are four little boys going to do to stop us, huh?"
Townsfolk,We are strongNo one can tell us we're wrongSearching our hearts for so lohh-oo-ohh-oo-ongBoth of us knowing...Love Is A Battlefield
Stan,This land is not for sale.
Runs with Premise,Dammit! I thought you said they were dealt with!
Elder 1,They were!
Mr. Garrison,"Sorry, Charlies! You can just keep your filthy bastard Indian money!"
Principal Victoria,Filthy bastard Native American money!
Mr. Garrison,"Uh oh, right, huh. Sorry about that."
Runs with Premise,This isn't over!
Jimbo,We'll never give up! You bastards!
Alex,Yeah! South Park is ours.
Mr. Mackey,"But, what do we do now? I mean, we can't just stand here and block their way forever."
Randy,We can stand here as long as it takes.
Runs with Premise,What is the state of our people?
Elder 2,"Last night I spoke with the spirit of the bear, and Bear said that if we do not build our highway soon, our investors may soon sell off their shares of the new casino."
Elder 1,"Yes, and Eagle says the cumulative shared market loss on the revenue of the new casino drops fifteen percent every day."
Runs with Premise,Then we must force the South Park people off their petty land.
Elder 1,"But they are determined and proud. And the spirit of the wind has stated that if we use force, it could be a publicity nightmare, further hurting our net assets."
Runs with Premise,I already have a plan how we can force them off our land... sneakily.  We're going to give them...  blankets.
Elder 1,Blankets?
Runs with Premise,"Yes. We will present the blankets as a peace offering. But what the round-eyes will not know is that the blankets are infected with SARS.  They will all get SARS! And then SARS will run through their town like a buffalo. Now I need your help getting the SARS onto the blankets.  Okay, bring them in!  Let's see how South Park deals with this!  Everyone grab a Chinese person and rub them on a blanket.  Make sure you rub them all over. Get the SARS nice and deep in there."
Field Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing in chilly South Park, Colorado, where the residents are entering the third day of their sit-in to try and stop Native Americans from building a superhighway through their town. The temperature is low, but spirits are pretty low, too."
Randy,What do they want?
Mr. Garrison,"We're not moving, assfaces!"
Runs with Premise,"Free blanket?  Though I know we have differences, we believe a compromise can be reached. In the meantime, it hurts us to see you all on television sitting in the cold. Will you not take this offering as a gesture of goodwill?"
Mr. Garrison,"You had me at ""free blanket."""
Elders,Free blanket? Free blanket? Free blanket...
Field Reporter,"Tom, it now looks as if the Native Americans are handing out blankets as a sign of goodwill towards the South Park people. What an incredible display of compassion. I certainly hope there's nothing sinister behind it."
Runs with Premise,Please. As a token of good faith.
Randy,You... understand if I'm a little wary of trusting you.
Runs with Premise,"It is only a blanket, Mister Marsh."
Randy,"Well, thanks."
Runs with Premise,Oh. You're welcome.
Field Reporter,"Tom, it's Tuesday morning now, and the outbreak of SARS in South Park has reached epic proportions.  The entire town has been quarantined by the federal government, nobody allowed in our out, which means, nobody can come to our aid.  It appears this town, and this reporter, are done for. Coming up next, choosing the right hair conditioner. What you don't know about hair care products could be costing you a bundle."
Stan,"It's all right, dad."
Randy,How's your... mother?
Stan,"She's hanging in there.  Here, drink some beer."
Randy,It's cool on my tongue.
Stan,You're gonna be all right.
Randy,"Stanley, listen to me. I have SARS. There's only a ninety-eight percent chance that I will live."
Stan,"No, Dad, NO."
Randy,"Listen, Stan. SARS is destroying our people. The Native Americans put it in the blankets they gave us.  Soon there will be only ninety-eight percent of us left."
Stan,What can I do?
Randy,"You... must find a cure for SARS, son. And save our people."
Stan,"Cure SARS? Aw, Jesus!"
Randy,"The spirit of middle-class white people is strong in you, son. Seek out the wise man in Bellocreek. Now go. GO!"
Wise Man,What?
Stan,"Hey, my name's Stan, and I was-"
Wise Man,Your coming was foretold to me. You've come to save our people. Come in.  Watch the cats.
Stan,"Uh so, do you know how to cure SARS?"
Wise Man,"Me?? Huh, no. I am just a guide. Sit down.  You must find the answer yourself, by taking an inward journey."
Stan,An inward journey? That sounds kind of gay.
Wise Man,Let the voices of our ancestors show you the way.  Breathe. Breathe from the bag of visions.
Stan,"Ah! Oh, dude!"
Runs with Premise,How much longer must we wait for our superhighway??
Elder 1,"SARS has spread through the entire town of South Park, Chief Runs with Premise. Their wills will break soon."
Runs with Premise,Then I suppose we must be patient.
Woman,"Runs with Premise, come quickly!"
Runs with Premise,"What is the matter, wife?"
Woman,"It is our son, Premise Running Thin. He is very sick."
Runs with Premise,"Premise Running Thin, what is the matter?"
Woman,"He, he shared a cup with one of the people from China. He has SARS!"
Runs with Premise,No! I told you not to touch them!
Premise Running Thin,Papa. Papa...
Medicine Man,I have given him herbs from the desert plant and water from the cactus of life. But nothing seems to be working.
Runs with Premise,This would never have happened if those townspeople would have just moved away! No more waiting around! Tomorrow we begin the final stage of our plan! Shock and Awe!
Randy,Stanley. Did you have an inward journey with the old man? Did you have a vision??
Stan,"Ah, I don't know if I did or not. I, I saw something, someone spoke to me and... told me the middle-class white way to cure SARS.  Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup, Dayquil, and Sprite."
Randy,"Yes. Yes, of course. Quickly, Stan, we must give it to everyone!"
Kyle,"Boy, that really did the trick, Stan. I thought we were kind of, sort of, not really done for."
Alex,"Thanks to you, we're all safe now, Stan."
Runs with Premise,"Now, I will blow your weak, SARS-infested bodies off the Earth!  What the?  Wait a minute.  Stop! Stop!  Your, your SARS. Where did it go?"
Randy,We have cured ourselves using the medicines of our culture.
Runs with Premise,My son... Premise Running Thin has the SARS as well.  You... you can cure him?
Elder 1,"It is amazing. All our plants and herbs failed to heal him, but your people's remedy brings the spirit of the buffalo back into his heart. Perhaps there are many things we can learn from your way of life."
Randy,We're a simple people. All we want is to be allowed to live our lives.
Runs with Premise,"You have cured Premise Running Thin. In return, I shall give you all five dollars credit at the casino.  All right, all right, I will not build a superhighway through your town. And you can all have your homes back."
Townsfolk,All right! Yeah!  Woohoo!
Alex,"Well, I guess we all learned that South Park is more than just a town. It's a community that nobody can split up."
Stan,"Dude, who the hell are you?"
Alex,Alex. Alex Glick. I got to come on and do the guest voice thingy.
Kyle,What?! Get the hell out of here!
Alex,Hi Mom! Hi Dad! Hi Joe!
Stan,"Oh my God, you guys are not gonna believe what happened to me last night."
Cartman,What? Tell us?
Stan,"So, I'm watching the season premiere of Boy Meets Boy on television, and then Queer Eye for the Straight Guy comes on, right? So I fall asleep in front of the TV, and when I wake up, I see that I've spilled the Coke I was drinking all over my satin pajama top."
Cartman,"Oh my Gosh, are you serious? That was the cutest top ever!"
Stan,I know!
Kenny,(I just LOVE this jacket 'cause it's SOOO beautiful!)
Stan,"Oh, tell me about it, Ken doll."
Kyle,Hey dudes.
Cartman,What a dork!
Kyle,What?
Cartman,"Nice jacket, Kyle! Polyester is really the hot fabric this fall!"
Kyle,"Well, but, this is the jacket I always wear."
Stan,"You've gotta get with the times, girlfriend."
Cartman,"Yeah, that jacket is so September 10th."
Stan,"Oohh my God, you got splotches on your neck. Are you using any exfoliating products at all??"
Cartman,"We can't let Kyle out in public like this, you guys."
Kenny,(That's the truth.)
Stan,"Come on, Kyle! We're giving you a makeover!"
Singers (Widelife),"You... came into my life... and my world never looked so bright. Yeah.It's true. You bring out the best in me.When you are around, when you are around, all things just keep getting better.It keeps getting better. Life keeps getting better and better (All things just keep getting better)."
Announcer,"Coming up on HBC, it's Queer Eye for the Straight Guy!"
Carson,We have got to get you some tighter-fitting shirts!
Announcer,"Then it's Boy Meets Boy, followed by Will and Grace, and then, the Love Boat... with Men."
Sheila,"My goodness, there certainly are a lot of gay shows on television these days."
Gerald,Yeah. I think it's great that gays are finally being so accepted.
Kyle,"Hi Mom, Hi Dad!"
Gerald,HAAAAAA!!!  Kyle! What's happened to you??
Kyle,"I'm just trying to fit in, Daddy. Don't be such a drama queen!"
Gerald,"Oh my God! Come on, Sheila!  We'd better go tell the other parents what's going on!!"
Sharon,"Oh hi Gerald, Sheila."
Gerald,"Hi Sharon. Uh, we need to talk to you about the boys."
Sharon,Sure. Come on in. The guys are all watching TV.
Gerald,"Oh, is the game on or something?"
Randy,Heeey Geraaald! How are youuuu!!
Other Men,Geraaald! Hi Gerald.
Stuart,"Sit down, Jer-Jer! Queer Eye For the Straight Guy is on."
Gerald,Oh no! Y-you guys all turned gay too??
Randy,"Not gay, Gerald, metrosexual."
Gerald,What's that?
Skeeter,Just because a guy cares about how he looks and is in touch with his feminine side doesn't mean he's gay anymore.
Stuart,"Yeah. Metrosexual means you're straight, but you appreciate the gay culture."
Randy,It's super-fabulous. Would you like some shirazz?
Sharon,Don't our men look
Linda,"Haven't you seen Queer Eye For the Straight Guy, Sheila? These five gay men go around and show straight men how to better themselves. It's the best."
Sheila,It is?
Sharon,"Well sure, Sheila. Our husbands are all so clean and neat. My Randy irons his clothes and even has pedicures."
Linda,And they like to talk about their feeling now and drink wine and decorate the house.
Sarah,"My Steven shaved his chest and his balls. OOOO, I love it!"
Sharon,"And how about our boys, huh? Ever since gay culture became cool, our boys bathe every night and brush their teeth three times a day. This is the greatest thing ever."
Sheila,I don't know. Sometimes boys take cultural fads too far...
Stan,"Dude, I can't wait for Wendy to see how gay I look!"
Cartman,"That's true, you guys. When the chicks at school see how gay we are, they're gonna be all over us."
Kenny,(Woohoo!!)
Stan,All right. Let's work it!  What the...?
Butters,"Tootaloo, Connor. See ya after classies."
Connor,"Okay, sweetums."
Clyde,"Oh my God, where is my homework?! I am freaking out!"
A Boy,Hey dudes.
Stan,Hey Craig.
Craig,You guys look pretty gay.
Kyle,Thanks.
Craig,"Not as gay as us, though."
Cartman,"Oh, please Craig, we're ten times gayer than you!"
Craig,Oh yeah?! We're super duper triple-dog gay!
Cartman,Oh yeah?! We're all ultra super stamp it stamp it no erasies mega gay!
Chef,"What's all this fightin' about, children?!"
Stan,These guys are trying to say they're gayer than us!
Chef,"Aw nah. Don't tell me you children have taken up this whole metrosexual fad, too!"
Stan,"Oh My God, this is not a fad, this is who we are!"
Chef,"No it isn't. Last year you children were all trying to be black, and now you're trying to be gay!"
Stan,We're metrosexual!!
Craig,"Maybe. But you'll never be as metrosexual as us! Come on, fags!"
Cartman,GOD I HATE CRAIG!!  That son of a... djah!!
Kyle,"Chef, I don't feel very metrosexual."
Chef,"Well, then, don't buy into this fad, Kyle. Be who you are, not what's cool."
Mr. Garrison,"All right children, let's take our seats."
Class,Good morning Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison,"Well, uh d-don't you all look nice."
Timmy,"Oooo, Timmy."
Stan,Dude! W-what are you doing?
Kyle,"I didn't feel comfortable in that stuff, dude. I'm just being me."
Craig,HA! Told you you guys were straight!
Stan,We're not straight! You're straight!
"Jason, Craig, Tweek, Token",You're straight!
Cartman,You're straight like a freeway!
Mr. Garrison,What the hell is going on??
Cartman,"You wish you were gay, Craig! In you dreams!!"
Craig,"I'm not just gay, I'm a catamite."
Cartman,...So? I'm half bisexual!
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, stop it!! You kids don't even know what you're talking about!! Eric, you're not half-bi!!"
Cartman,"I'm like, a quarter-bi. My grandpa was bi, so that makes me quarter-bi."
Mr. Garrison,WHAT??
Mr. Garrison,"It was the craziest thing I've ever seen, Mr. Slave. All the children were suddenly acting like being gay was cool. I mean, maybe we're not the only gay couple in town anymore."
Mr. Slave,"Oh, Jesus Christ."
Mr. Garrison,"Look at that, Mr. Slave.  Our cup runneth over."
Mr. Slave,Jesus Christ.
Jimbo,"Mr. Garrison, those are great pants."
Mr. Garrison,"Thanks, Jimbo. I really like your outfit, too.  Soho... so Jimbo, you... wanna come back to my place with me and Mr. Slave?"
Jimbo,"Uh, for what?"
Mr. Garrison,"Well, you know..."
Jimbo,No.
Mr. Garrison,Huh.
Randy,Mr. Garrison!  Hey doll.
Mr. Garrison,Oh hey Randy.
Randy,You're looking ultra-fabulous.
Mr. Garrison,"Well thanks. You too.  So uh, Randy, you want me to give you a hand job in the bathroom?"
Randy,"Nuno, thanks, I'm, I'm not like that."
Mr. Garrison,"Not, not like that?"
Richard,"How about some shirazz, guys?"
Mr. Garrison,"Uh-OH, thanks, Mr. Tweek."
Richard,"My pleasure, silly-buns."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, wuh, welluh, Mr. Tweek, why don't we uh, go back to my place."
Richard,Why?
Mr. Garrison,"Well, you know, I was just thinking we could... put on some music and watch videos and pound Mr. Slave's tight little ass."
Mr. Slave,"Woohoohoohoo, Jesus Christ."
Richard,"Wohohoho, goodness no. I, I'm straight."
Mr. Garrison,"Straight? Bu-uh, Oh what... Jesus, what the hell is goin' on here?!"
Patrons,Huh?
Mr. Garrison,Why won't anybody pound Mr. Slave's butt?!
Randy,"Well, we don't ""pound butt,"" Mr. Garrison, we're straight."
Mr. Garrison,Those pants and those shoes say you pound butt!!
Jimbo,"Hey, now that's not true. My shoes don't say I pound butt."
Mr. Garrison,"No, your shoes say you take it in the butt!!"
Skeeter,"'Sokay, Mr. Garrison. We learned that gays are totally cool. You're just one of us now."
Patrons,Yeah.
Mr. Garrison,One of you?!  We've spent our whole lives tryin' NOT to be one of you! You can't do this to us!!
Cartman,"Have you guys seen this? It's a conditioner that you can leave in, and it detoxifies the scalp."
Stan,"Wow, is that from Origins?"
Cartman,Yeah. It's a charcoal-based thing that-
Kyle,Hey guys. You wanna throw the football around?
Cartman,"Guys, can I talk to you over here for a second?  Look, guys, a lot of the kids in school are talking, okay? And they're spreading rumors that we're not metrosexuals because... we hang out with Kyle."
Stan,"Well, what can we do about it?"
Cartman,"We have no choice, you guys. We're just gonna have to kill Kyle."
Stan,What?? That's stupid. We wouldn't have to kill Kyle! We would just to tell him not to hang around us anymore.
Cartman,"Oh, you know, you're right, Stan. We just have to tell Kyle not to hang around us anymore."
Stan,"Yeah. Wait, what?"
Cartman,"You hear that, Kenny? Stan thinks we should tell Kyle not to hang around us anymore. I think he's right. Good luck telling him, Stan. I... know it won't be easy."
Craig,"Hey, butch boy. Nice football you got there."
Token,"When was the last guy you had a manicure, straight man?"
Jason,"Yeah, let's see that hair.  Look, he's not even using any product!"
Stan,"Hey, what's goin' on?"
Craig,"Oh, here come the butch boys to help their butchy little friend!"
Cartman,He's not our friend.
Kyle,Stan?
Jason,"This playground is for metrosexuals, macho man!"
Craig,Take your non-flaming ass to some other school!
Kyle,No! Ah!
Sheila,Kyle! What happened to you?!
Kyle,I got beat up at school... for being different.
Sheila,WHAT?? Your classmates beat you up for being a Jew?
Kyle,No! For not being a metrosexual.
Sheila,"Gerald! Gerald, get down here!"
Gerald,Here I come!
Kyle,Oh no! Dad's metrosexual too?
Gerald,Kyle! You look terrible!
Sheila,"The boys at school beat him up, Gerald."
Gerald,"Oh, really?! Well, don't you worry, Kyle. We can cover that black eye up with some cream base, and the coat and pants we'll bleach with an acid wash for a fun vintage look."
Kyle,Gah! Just leave me alone!
A voice,There you go! Now you look fabulous.
Kyan,You see that? A spray-on tan does wonders for your look.
Kyle,GRRRRR!!
Thom,Now let's get down to the tango class and learn some new steps.
Kyle,That does it! I know what I have to do!
Chef,"Oh, hello, Mr. Garrison."
Mr. Garrison,"Chef, can I talk to you?"
Chef,Sure. Come on in.
Mr. Garrison,"Thanks. Come, Slave.  Oh, it's just awful, Chef! I used to feel like an outsider, a totally different person who stood out in this town! Now every straight guy is acting gayer than me!"
Mr. Slave,Oh Jesus! Jesus Christ!
Chef,"Well, what do you want me to do about it?"
Mr. Garrison,"Chef, what did you do when white people stole your culture?"
Chef,"Oh. Well, we black people just always tried to stay out in front of them."
Mr. Slave,How did you do that?
Chef,"Well, like with our slang. Black people always used to say, ""I'm in the house"" instead of ""I'm here."" But then white people all started to say ""in the house"" so we switched it to ""in the hizzouse."" Hizzouse became hizzizzouse, and then white folk started saying that, and we had to change it to hizzie, then ""in the hizzle"" which we had to change to ""hizzle fo shizzle,"" and now, because white people say ""hizzle fo shizzle,"" we have to say ""flippity floppity floop."""
Mr. Garrison,"We don't have time for all that, Chef! Oh, if only those Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people understood what they were doing.  Wait.  That's it! I know exactly what to do!  Come on, Mr. Slave! Let's get back to our flippity floppity floop."
Chef,Oh no! Damnit! Don't call it that!
Kyle,"One ticket to New York, please."
Clerk,You're going to New York alone?
Kyle,I'm going to see the Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people.
Clerk,"Oooo, great idea! They can help you with those dated clothes."
Kyle,Mrrh.  Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison,"Kyle, what are you doing here?"
Kyle,I'm going to New York to kill the Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people!
Mr. Garrison,What?? That's what I'm doing!
Kyle,Oh no! They ruined my life! I get to kill them first!
Mr. Garrison,They took gay culture from real gays and their asses are ours!
Kyle,I thought of it first!
Mr. Garrison,No you didn't! No you didn't!
Kyle,Did so! Did so!
Mr. Garrison,I thought of it yesterday!
Kyle,I thought of it two days ago!
Mr. Garrison,I thought of it before you were born!
Mr. Slave,"Stop it, you two! Stop it! Don't you see how crazy this is?"
Mr. Garrison,"Oh.  You're right, Mr. Slave. We can both kill them together."
Kyle,Cool.
Stan,"Wow, we look great!"
Cartman,"Yeah, and let's see Craig out gay us now."
Randy,Boys! Boys! Come on! There's a sale down in Express for Men!  Hey guys! There's a sale in Express for Men!
Richard,Oh my God!
Man,Let's go! Let's go!
Ryan,You guys have got to see these shoes I bought!
Gerald,"Hurry, you guys! The mall closes in seven hours!"
Jimbo,"Oh, why can't we all live at the mall?!"
Sharon,"You know, I'm starting to think this whole metrosexual thing isn't so great."
Linda,I know what you mean. All my husband ever does now is look at himself in the mirror. He cares more about how he looks than how I look.
Mrs. Tweek,I hope something happens soon to put an end to this whole fad.
Head of Programming,"Guys, you've done a terrific job. Queer Eye For the Straight Guy is our number one show!"
Carson,What can I say? We're fabulous.
Head of Programming,"You guys are changing the world! And tomorrow, we're gonna have you make over the President of the United States!"
Jai,"Oh my God, I think I'm gonna faint."
Mr. Garrison,Room service.
Head of Programming,What? We didn't order any room service.
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, well, the woman at the front desk sent it up."
Head of Programming,"Carol?  Well, I'll have to check on this. Excuse me a minute, fellas."
Kyle,Clear!
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, Mr. Slave!"
Mr. Slave,"Unh, Jesus  Christ."
Mr. Garrison,"Well crap, that didn't work."
Stan,"You'd better shut up, Craig."
Craig,Everyone knows it's true!
Stan,It is not!
Craig,Is so!
Tom,Craig! Behave yourself!
Randy,"Yeah, Stanley. What are you fighting about?"
Stan,"Dad, Craig is trying to say that his dad can out dress you!"
Randy,"What? Son, that's a silly thing to fight about."
Tom,Yeah. Everyone already knows I dress better than Randy.
Randy,Oh really?!
Tom,"I mean, you do have the fashion sense of a Japanese woman."
Some men,Ooooo.
Randy,"Please, girlfriend. You look like some kind of Little Orphan Annie nightmare."
Other men,"Oh no, errrr!"
Sharon,"Oh, stop it! Will you all just stop it?!  Look, you guys are carrying this fad too far! Will you please stop acting this way?!"
Tom,You don't... like us being metrosexual?
The Women,NO!
Randy,"Well, you know what I think? I think you're all metrophobic!"
The Males,Yeah!!
Linda,What?
Jimbo,"We shouldn't be fighting amongst ourselves, we should be uniting against metrophobes like these!"
Sharon,This is crazy!
Randy,"Crazy? Different? Outcasts? Call us what you want. But us metros are real people, just like you!"
Tom,"You can metrobash us all you want, but we're here to stay!"
Craig,Yeah Mom! We're proud of who we are.
Cartman,"That's right. Proud. You know what I think, guys? I think we should have a metrosexual pride parade."
Ryan,"Great idea, Eric! Raise metrosexual awareness!"
Stuart,We can make floats and decorate them with streamers and flowers!
Kenny,(Woohoohoo!)
Randy,"Come on, fellas! Out of the malls and into the streets!"
The Males,Out of the malls and into the streets! Out of the malls and into the streets! Out of the malls and into the streets!
Mrs. Tweek,What the hell did that show do to them?
Officer,You sure you don't want to press charges?
Kyan,"That's okay, officer. I think they learned murder is wrong."
Carson,Especially in those pants.
Mr. Garrison,"Look, guys, we're sorry we tried to murder you, but... You have to stop what you're doing!"
Jai,Are you crazy?! We're the hottest thing on TV!
Mr. Garrison,"But don't you see the price? You're selling out your own kind. Look, us gays have created a lifestyle, a, a culture that is uniquely ours. If we keep trying to make straight people into us, well, we're gonna have no identity left."
Kyan,"Sorry Charlie, no sale."
Mr. Garrison,Buh... but... this doesn't make sense!  How can gay men do this to their own people??  Unless... you're not gay at all...
Thom,"You just had to push it, didn't you?!"
Jai,Just had to keep asking question!
Carson,Now you know the truth!
Kyle,They aren't gay? Then what are they?
Kyan,For a thousand years our kind have lived beneath the earth's crust! Banished by man in the Kindling Wars.
Mr. Garrison,Oh my God.
Leader,We are the Crab People!
Kyle,AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Mr. Slave,Jesus Christ!
The Queer Eye Guys,Crab People! Crab People! Crab People!
Crab Leader,"See now where we have been forced to live for a thousand years! But soon we shall rule the land above, and mankind will be gone!"
Mr. Garrison,Gone??
Crab Man 2,"Crab people are too small and weak to take over man by force, and so we came up with our perfect plan!"
Carson replica,"If you can't beat man,  change man!"
Mr. Garrison,I knew it! I knew gay people would never do this to their own kind!
Crab Leader,"When all the world is metrosexual, the crab people shall finally reign supreme!!"
Crab People,Crab People! Crab People!
Crab Solo,"Taste like crab, talk like people."
Crab People,Crab People!
Kyle,"You'll never turn ME into a metrosexual! I like being a dirty, filthy little boy!"
Crab Man 2,"Very well. If we can't make you into metrosexuals, then we will make you into crab people! Take them!!"
Singers,"(Crab People):All things just keep getting betterYou... came into my life(Crab People)and my world never looked so bright. Yeah.(Crab People)It's true. You bring out the best in me.(Crab People)When you are around, when you are around,(Crab People)All things just keep getting better.(Crab People)"
Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where the first Metrosexual Pride Parade is underway!"
The Boys,We're here! We're not queer! But we're close! Get used to it!We're here! We're not queer! But we're close! Get used to it!
Sharon,That does it! I can't take it anymore!
The Boys,We're here! We're not queer! But we're close! Get used to it!
Linda,"I should have never wished for a cleaner, neater husband."
Sharon,"Ladies, get your things! I know what we have to do!"
Jimbo,"Whoa, look out!"
Randy,"Oh my God, it's on fire!"
Skeeter,Put it out! Put it out!
Randy,I can't do anything! These are brand-new pants!
Skeeter,The heat could really damage our hair. We'd better let the police handle this!
Officer Barbrady,Are you crazy? I just had my uniform pressed!
Jimbo,"Oh Jesus, it's burning! Oh my God!"
Skeeter,Eeeek!
Randy,Put it out! Put it out! Fire!
Carson,"Mr. President, it is such an honor to make you over!"
Kyan,"Now, we've got to do something with your hair."
Thom,And your nails are filthy. Let's get those clean.
Head of Programming,This is gay gold!
Mr. Garrison,Stop them! They're crab people!
Crab Man 3,"They cannot see or hear us, foolish man. Now stand by and watch as your pitiful race becomes helpless!!"
Carson,"That is very good, Mr. President. Now, put on this silk jacket."
Kyle,No Mr. President!! Don't do it!  Help!
Mr. Garrison,You bastards!
Kyan,"That looks great! Now, how about some moisturizer."
Sharon,There they are! Get 'em!
Kyan,What?
Linda,You turned our husbands into whiny little wusses!!
Sarah,It's payback time!
Head of Programming,"Oh my God, what are they doing?!"
Crab Man 3,Oh noooo!!
Head of Programming,Wha? What have you done?
Sharon,"We're sorry, but we didn't have a choice. You see, at first we liked having our men be clean and neat. We thought that having them use product in their hair and wanting facials would make them sexier. But it doesn't."
Linda,"That's right. Event though my Steven sickens me out sometimes, it's his rugged manly grossness that I'm attracted to."
Sarah,"We're sorry, but we knew that the only answer was tuh kill the Queer Eye guys."
Head of Programming,Well you're going to jail for thi-!  Wait a minute.  What is that?
Crab Leader,No! Our evil plans! Noooo...
Head of Programming,Oh my God. They were crab people.
Mr. Garrison,Yes! They were tryingn to systematically make men into wusses so they could take over the world!
Kyle,Mom!
Sheila,Kyle!
Head of Programming,I should have known they were crab people. They tried this before with The Jefferson.
Mr. Garrison,"So now, can you please change your network's programming?"
Head of Programming,"Yes. Yes, I think this gay fad is over. Gentlemen, back to Studio 12! We're gonna bring back the Latin fad."
Randy,Hey eses.
Stuart,Hey hefe. You want some cerveza?
Stan,"Kyle. Hey, ese. You wanna come play catch with us?"
Kyle,What? Y-you want me to hang out with you?
Stan,"Yeah. It's cool, holmes."
Kyle,"...No, dude, it really isn't cool. You all turned your backs on me. You're supposed to be my best friends and you just... treated me like nothing! And now you all expect me to just forget it all and, and hang out with you again like nothing happened?"
Stan,"Aw Jesus, Kyle, don't be such a whiny little gaywad! Come play catch with us."
Cartman,"Yeah, don't be such a fag, dude!"
Kyle,God-damnit!
Cartman,God dammit!
Randy,"Stan, are you okay?"
Stan,"Yeah, dad. We're just rehearsing our band."
Randy,"Ooohhh, I thought a group of Vietnamese people were having their intestines pulled out through their mouths."
Cartman,Heheheheheh heheheheheh.
Kyle,"He's right, dude. We have to define our style if we're ever going to make a platinum album. I mean, ah I'm a fusion guy, but Kenny's background is more Latin Jazz."
Kenny,(What? Is it?)
Stan,"Yeah, and I'm more hip-hop and R-and-B oriented."
Kyle,I think out band better buy a whole bunch of music CDs to listen to for inspiration.
Cartman,"Inspiration. Wait a minute,  that's it. Inspiration, you guys. Don't you see?"
Stan,See what?
Cartamn,Our band should play Christian rock!
Kyle,Christian rock?!
Cartman,"Think about it! It's the easiest crappiest music in the world, right? If we just play songs about how much we love Jesus, all the Christians will buy our crap!"
Kyle,"That's a retarded idea, Cartman!"
Cartman,It worked for Creed!
Stan,I don't wanna be in a stupid Christian rock band!
Cartman,"You just start that way, Stan, then you cross over. It's genius!"
Kyle,"Just get the hell out of here, Cartman! You're not serious and you're a detriment to the band!"
Cartman,Oh yeah?! I will bet you ten bucks that if I start a Christian rock band that I can get a platinum album before you guys do!
Kyle,"You're on, fat boy!"
Cartman,"Okay, fine! Ready?! First one to have a platinum album wins! Go!"
Kyle,What a stupid asshole!
Cartman,Platinum album! Platinum album! Gotta make a platinum album before Kyle!
Butters,"Oh, hi Eric."
Cartman,"Butters! Get your drum set and meet me at my house! We have to make a platinum album! Hurry, Butters!"
Butters,...Ohhh!
Cartman,No time to waste! Platinum album! Must beat Kyle!  Token! Get the bass guitar out of your basement and meet me over at my house!
Token,What?! We don't have a bass guitar.
Cartman,"Your family's black, Token! There's bound to be a bass guitar in your basement somewhere!"
Butters,"Whoa, you sure seem with it, Eric. You must have some... ih-inspiration."
Cartman,"Yes, the tears of Kyle Broflovski when he loses his ten dollars to me."
Token,"Hey, there was a bass guitar in my basement."
Cartman,"I told you, Token."
Token,"So, what are we doing?"
Cartman,"Gentlemen, we are about to embark on the most amazing, life-affirming, financially windfalling experiences of our young lives."
Butters,Wow!
Cartman,We are going to start... a Christian rock band.
Butters,Awww.
Token,I'm out.
Cartman,"Wait!  Walk out that door, Token, and you'll regret it the rest of your life! Christians have a built-in audience of over one hundred and eighty million Americans! If each one of them buys just one of our albums at twelve dollars and ninety-five cents that would be-"
Butters,"Two billion, three hundred and thirty one million dollars."
Cartman,"Still want to leave, Token?  Thank you."
Kyle,"Dad, can I borrow three hundred dollars?"
Gerald,Three hundred dollars?? What in the world for??
Kyle,Our band can't find a stylistic direction to go in. We need to go down to the mall to buy hundreds of CDs to listen to so we can define our sound.
Gerald,"Sorry Kyle, we gave you your allowance already."
Kyle,Ugh. Can't you see this is my dream?? Music is my life!
Gerald,It wasn't your life yesterday.
Kyle,"Hold it.  Pops, I've got the music inside me. It's in my soul. And I know my place is up on that stage. I'm gonna make it to the top. And I just want your blessing, Pops."
Gerald,"The answer is no, Kyle."
Kyle,"Aw, come on Dad, don't be such a Jew!"
Sheila,"Kyle, don't belittle your own people!"
Kyle,Aaaargh!
Stan,Hey dude.
Kyle,It didn't work! My stupid Jew dad won't lend me money for CDs!
Stan,"No, dude, it's cool. Kenny says you can download music for free on the Internet!"
Kyle,Really?
Kenny,(Yeah!)
Stan,You got a computer?
Stan,"See? Everyone on the Internet copies their music from their CDs, and then we can download them for free and play them on the computer!"
Kyle,"All right, cool.  Let's download some Metallica, and some Stevie Wonder."
Kenny,(Oh you forgot to get some Judas Priest.)
Stan,"Kenny's right. We should download some Judas Priest, too."
Kyle,Judas Priest.  Wow! Downloading music for free is awesome!
Stan,What the hell is that?
Kyle,I don't know.  Let me go check.
Agent 1,Freeze!! FBI!!
Agent 2,Down on the ground! Down on the ground!
Agent 3,Hurry up! Let me see those hands!
Agent 2,Tango Teamus to Point Bravo! Suspects in custody!
Agent 4,"Move move move move move move! All clear, men!  Get your ass going!"
Agent 5,Move move move move move move! Move!
Gerald,"Kyle, what did you do?!"
Kyle,I don't know!
Cartman,"All right, guys, this is gonna be so easy. All we have to do to make Christian songs is take regular old songs and add Jesus stuff to them.  See? All we have to do is cross out words like ""baby"" and ""Darling"" and replace them with  Jesus. All right, Butters, give me a beat.  Okay, nice. Very nice. All right, Token, give me a smooth bass line."
Token,I don't know how to play bass.
Cartman,"Token, how many times do we have to go through this? You're black. You can play bass."
Token,I'm gettin' sick of your stereotypes!
Cartman,"Be as sick as you want, just give me a God-damned bass line!"
Token,God-damnit!
Cartman,"All right. Nice, fellas. Nice. I need you in my life, Jesus.I can't live without you, JesusAnd I just want to feel you deep inside me, Jesus."
Butters,Well done!
Kyle,"Um, sir-"
Detective,Shiut up!!  You downloaded a lot of songs! Says here you even downlaoded Judas Priest? That's hard time you boys are lookin' at. You got anything to say for yourselves?
Kyle,We d-didn't think it was that big a deal.
Detective,Not a big deal! You think downloading music for free is not a big deal?! Put your couts on! I'm gonna show you something! And I don't think you're gonna like it!
Detective,"This is the home of Lars Ulrich, the drummer for Metallica.  Look. There's Lars now, sitting by his pool."
Kyle,What's the matter with him?
Detective,"This month he was hoping to have a gold-plated shark tank bar installed right next to the pool, but thanks to people downloading his music for free, he must now wait a few months before he can afford it.  Come. There's more.  Here's Britney Spears' private jet. Notice anything?  Britney used to have a Gulfstream IV. Now she's had to sell it and get a Gulfstream III because people like you chose to download her music for free.  The Gulfstream III doesn't even have a remote control for its surround-sound DVD system. Still think downloading music for free is no big deal?"
Kyle,"We... didn't realize what we were doing, eh..."
Detective,"That is the folly of man. Now look in this window.  Here you see the loving family of Master P.  Next week is his son's birthday and, all he's ever wanted was an island in French Polynesia."
Kyle,"So, he's gonna get it, right?"
Detective,"I see an island without an owner. If things keep going the way they are, the child will not get his tropical paradise."
Stan,"We're sorry! We'll, we'll never download music for free again!"
Detective,Man must learn to think of these horrible outcomes before he acts selfishly or else... I fear... recording artists will be forever doomed to a life of only semi-luxury.
Cartman,"Almost there, you guys."
Butters,Ow...
Token,Why the hell did you tell us to dress nice to take us out here?
Cartman,"Because, Token, we have to take pictures for our album cover.  The key to a hot-selling Christian album is a flashy inspirational album cover."
Butters,"Wow, neato! An album cover!"
Token,"This Christian album better make as much money as you said it would, tubby!"
Cartman,"I'm going to kill you one day, Token."
Token,What did you say?!
Cartman,"Nothing. All right, guys, stand over there and look wholesome and cool. I have a timer on this thing so I can get in the shot too."
Butters,Cheese!
Cartman,"No no! Haven't you guys ever seen an album cover? You're supposed to be standing in random places, looking away like you don't care!"
Butters,Cheese!
Cartman,"No! Butters, you can't look happy on the album cover! That's not cool!"
Butters,Oh...
Cartman,"Token, look away to the right.  More.  More!"
Token,Why the hell would I be looking way over there??
Cartman,"So it looks like you're too cool to care that you're on an album cover, you black asshole! Now just hold it!  Our first album cover. Don't ever leave me, Jesus. I couldn't stand to see you go.My heart would simply snap, my Lord, if you walked on out that door.I promise I'll be good to you, and keep you warm at night.Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just... shut off the lights."
Gerald,"Thanks for releasing them to us, detective. Sorry for all the trouble they caused."
Detective,It's all right. I think these boys learned their lesson.
Stan,"Boy, I'll say!"
Detective,"If you parents will just step over here, you can pay their four hundred dollar release and penalty fees."
Randy,Four hundred dollars? Just for downloading some songs off the Internet? It's not that big a deal.
Detective,"Not a big deal, huh?! Come with me! I'm gonna show you something! And I don't think you're gonna like it!"
Stan,"Wugh, dude. I can't wait to just go back home and get back to band practice."
Kenny,(Yeah)
Kyle,"No! Didn't you guys learn anything? Look, if we make an album, all that's gonna happen is that people are gonna steal our songs for free off the Internet. We won't make a dime!"
Stan,Oh yeah.
Kyle,"Until we get people to stop downloading music for free, I say we refuse to play!"
Kenny,(Yeah!)
Field Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where the rock band, MOOP, has refused to play. The strike started yesterday and could go well into next week."
Cartman,Oh hey guys. How's it going?
Kyle,"We're not letting you back in the band, Cartman! Fuck off!"
Cartman,"I don't wanna be in your crappy band, guys. I just wanted to let you know, the album for my Christian rock band,  Faith + 1, is about to go platinum."
Stan,It is??
Cartman,"That's right. We already sold thirteen copies. You wanna pay me that ten-dollar bet, Kyle? Nyanyanyanya nya nya!  Hahahaha ha ha!"
Kyle,"You get a platinum album for selling one million copies, you fat turd!"
Cartman,"It's just a matter of time, my friends. This weekend is Christfest. The single largest gathering of Christians in the Midwest. Each one of them a walking, praying wallet full of cash. And I'll be there selling my album."
Kyle,"You'll never get a platinum album doing Christian rock, Cartman! It was a stupid idea then, and it's a stupid idea now!"
Stan,"Yeah, you don't even know anything about Christianity."
Cartman,"I know enough to exploit it. Just get that ten bucks ready, Kyle. Ta-ta!"
Kyle,Go ahead! People will just download your songs for free on the Internet anyways!
Stan,What a dumbass. Our band is way cooler than his.
Kenny,(Yeah.)
T-Shirt Vendor,Psalm T-Shirts! Get a T-Shirt with your favorite psalm!
Bible Vendor,Leather-bound bibles. Show your faith.
Cartman,"Yes, it's really the best Christian album that's ever been produced, actually.."
Elderly Woman,"Oh, this will be great for my grandchildren. They need hip cool music, but with inspirational lyrics."
Cartman,"I think that's what the whole world needs, praise Christ."
Butters,"Huh we're not really Christians, we're just pretendin' we are."
Cartman,"Butters, remind me later to cut your balls off."
MC,"All right, everyone! Welcome to Christfest 2003!  are you ready for some live music?"
A Man,Yeah Jesus!
MC,Then let's give it up now for one of Christian rock's biggest bands! Trinity!
Trinity,"The Shepherd and the Light, and His Word lifted me upAnd I praise His Holy Name wherever I go."
Cartman,"Dammit! If we're gonna sell our hot Christian album, we have got to get on that stage!"
Band Member 1,Hey is this the way to the backstage?
Cartman,Who are you?
Band Member 1,"We're the band Sanctified. We play metal and punk, but with lyrics that inspire faith in Christ."
Band Member 2,Yeah. We proved that Christian music can be tough and hard core.
Cartman,"Yeah, you guys are real hard core."
Band Member 1,You bet your gosh-darned rear end we are!
Stage Hand,"All right, uhh, Sanctified, you guys are up next."
Band Member 3,Yeah! Let's do it!
Band Member 2,Sent down from Heaven! The Spirit and the Glory!
Cartman,"Eh hey guys, wait, uh, ..we wannaaa play with you before you go onstage."
Band Member 2,"Well, that, that's cool."
Band Member 1,Always good to be praying before you're playin'.
Cartman,"Let's just go over here so we can hear ourselves better.  Lord, Father in Heaven, we thank you for all your blessings and we..."
Butters,"Hey, Eric, I don't think they can get out."
MC,"All right, Christians, how are you feeling tonight?"
Fans,Praise Jesus! Praise him! My Lord!
MC,"Let's keep this salvation train going with the hot band, Sanctified!"
Stage Hand,That's Faith + 1.
MC,Uh. Uh apparently there's been a change. Give it up for ... Faith + 1!
Cartman,"You know, Jesus? I've been thinking a lot about you lately and, well, that's why I wrote this song.I love you, Jesus. I want you to walk with meI'll take good care of you baby. Call you my baby, baby!You died for my sins, and you know that I would die for you, right?What's the matter, baby? You tremble at Jesus, baby!Your love... is my life! You know when I’m without you, there's a black hole in my life! Oo-ohhh!I wanna believe. It's all right, 'cause I get lonely in the night and it's up to you toSave me! Jee...sus...bay-by!"
Stan,"Dude, I didn't know being in a band was gonna be this tough."
Kyle,"Yeah, it's tough. But it's times like these that... you see what your band is made of. We've gotta fight through the rough times like Journey!"
Field Reporter,"Tom, we're now entering the second day of the rock band MOOP's refusal to play, and the second day of absolutely no other news to report on. In a recent poll we asked people if MOOP's refusal to play would stop them from downloading music off the Internet. One percent said yes. Two percent said no. And ninety-seven percent said, ""Who the hell is MOOP?!"" Back to you, Tom."
Lars Ulrich,"Hey, are you the guys protesting free Internet music downloading?"
Stan,"Hey, it's that Lars Ulrich guy!"
Lars Ulrich,That's right. Metallica is behind you dudes a thousand percent!
James Hetfield,"We're gonna sit here and protest with you until free downloadin' stop, hyeah!"
Field Reporter,"Tom, it appears now the musicians' strike is growing! As I'm speaking, more musicians are arriving! It looks like Alanis Morissette, Blink 182, Britney Spears, and dozens of others are going to join MOOP in not playing music. This is a veritable Strikapalooza!"
CEO,"Guys, we here at Faith Records were very moved by your performance at Christfest. You're one of the most talented Christian rock bands we've ever heard!"
Cartman,Thank you so much. Christ has really blessed us with talent.
Butters,Heeheeheeyeah.
Executive 1,"We just have one question, though. We were looking over some of your lyrics, uh... ""I want to walk hand-in-hand with Jesus on a private beach for two./I want him to nibble on my ear and say 'I'm here for you.'"" Ih...it seems you really love Christ."
Cartman,"Yes, we sure do."
Executive 1,Eh no but ih it appears you are actually... in love with Christ.
Cartman,"Well what are you saying? That, that you don't really love Christ??"
Executive 1,Well uh of course I do. I mean I just-
Cartman,"Well what's the difference?! You love Christ, you're in love with Christ, I mean, uh, what the heck is this??"
Executive 1,"Uh, we'd just like to make sure the bands we sign are in it for God, and not for the money."
Cartman,"I resent that, sir! I have never in my life done anything just for the money! If I'm lying may the Lord strike me down right now."
Butters,"Uhm, oh."
Executive 1,"That's- all we needed to know. Just, sign here and we'll get your album sold."
Announcer,"K-tal Records  presents the most inspirational Christian rock band in the world! Faith + 1,  featuring the very best in good, wholesome Christian music."
Cartman,Oh Lord you are my Savior! You know I miss you so much when you are gone.
Announcer,"With great inspirational songs like ""I Wasn't Born Again Yesterday,"""
Cartman,"Yes I may be born again, but I was wasn't born again yesterday.I wanna get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus! I wanna feel his salvation all over my face!"
Announcer,The CD is filled with instant classics. Who doesn't remember...
Cartman,"The Body of Christ! Sleek swimmer's body, all muscled up and toned!The Body of Christ! O, Lord Almighty, I wish I could call it my own!You're one time, two times, three times my Savior...Whenever I see Jesus up on that Cross I can't help but think that he looks kinda hot..."
Announcer,"This album is not available in stores and limited quantities are available, so order now!"
Stan,"I can't take this much longer. Maybe we're just, not cut out to be in a band."
Kyle,"You guys, we can't give up on our dreams now! As soon as this strike ends, we're gonna be the biggest band ever!"
Lars,"Yeah, if we all give in now, people might never stop downloading our music for free!"
Kyle,I'm sure we're gonna get word any minute that people have agreed to stop.
Driver,Certified letter for the rock band MOOP?
Kyle,"That's us!  ""Dear MOOP. This letter is to inform you that Faith Plus One's debut album has just sold one million copies."""
Stan,What??
Kyle,"""We cordially invite you to attend the platinum album award ceremony, which will be held tomorrow morning at ten. Details and proof of sales enclosed. P.S. Nananana na na. Hahahaha ha ha.""  He did it. Cartman got a platinum album."
Stan,Is this for real?? This is for real!
Kyle,He beat us. Because all this time we've been so caught up with how to protect our music that we forgot to just play.
Lars,But why play if we're not gonna make millions of dollars.
Kyle,"Because that's what real artists do. People are always gonna find a way to copy our music and swap it for free. If we're real musicians, then we should just play and be stoked that so many people are listening."
Stan,"Beside, maybe our sound would have gotten downloaded for free, but if they were good songs then people still would have bought tickets to see our band in concert."
Kyle,"From now on, MOOP isn't about money. MOOP is about music! We're not striking anymore! Who's with us?!"
Britney,...We're just about the money.
Other acts,"Yeah, yeah."
Kyle,Oh.
Stan,"So... Dude, what are you gonna do about your bet with Cartman. Are you- gonna pay 'im?"
Kyle,"I don't have a choice, dude. I'm gonna swallow my pride, face Cartman, and say ""Congratulations. You were right"" And I'm gonna give him the ten dollars. And hopefully, he won't make a big deal out of it."
Cartman,Welcome! Welcome everyone! Please enjoy! The presentation should begin shortly.
Token,"Cartman, what the hell is all this?"
Cartman,Our platinum album ceremony. I spared no expense.
Token,But you spent all the money we made!
Cartman,"We're Faith Plus One, Token, there'll be plenty more money. Relax and enjoy, black asshole.  There's hors d'oeuvres and drinks by the Ferris wheel, everyone!  Oh Kyle, guys, so nice to see you!"
Kyle,"Let's just get this over with, Cartman. You won the bet, here's ten dollars."
Cartman,"Oh nonononono, not yet, Kyle. Hold on.  Everyone! Everyone, can I have your attention please?"
A Fan,We like to praise Christ!
Cartman,"Yes, yes, thank you thank you. Praise Him. I think we're ready to start now."
Announcer,"Welcome to the presentation ceremony for Faith Plus One.  And now to present the award, here's Michael Collins."
Kyle,This is the worst day of my life.
Cartman,"Ahhh, this is the best day of my life."
Michael Collins,"Boys, in recognition for over one million records sold, the Christian Recording Industry is please to present you with this Myrrh album."
Cartman,Thank you very uh- wah? Myrrh album?
Stan,I thought albums win either gold or platinum.
Michael Collins,"Nono, in Christian rock, our albums go gold and frankincense and myrrh. Congratulations!"
Kyle,"Ha! Our bet was that you would get a platinum album, not a myrrh album! I don't owe you anything, fat boy!"
Cartman,You mean to tell me I could never get a platinum album with a Christian rock band?!
Michael Collins,"No, but you can go double myrrh."
Cartman,GOD DAMMIT!!
Michael Collins,"Oh, please don't take the Lord's Name in vain."
Cartman,Who cares?! I can never win my bet because you stupid assholes don't give out platinum albums!
Michael Collins,But you spread the Word of the Lord. You've brought faith in Jesus.
Cartman,"OH, FUCK JESUS!!"
Butters,"Eric, I-I'm pretty sure you shouldn't say the F-word about-uh Jesus."
Token,Yeah. You're gonna hurt the band.
Cartman,"Who fuckin' cares, Token?! I could never beat Kyle now! I'll say it again! Fuck Jesus!"
A Man,My ears are bleeding!
Token,"Good job, dickhead! You lost the entire audience!"
Cartman,"Ah, fuck you, Token! You black asshole!"
Stan,Hm. Guess he got what he deserved.
Butters,"Fuck you, Eric."
Father Maxi,"Friends, we gather in this place to mourn the victims of yesterday's tragedy: nine good people who were run over in the street by an elderly woman driver."
Cartman,"Oh God, memorial services are sooo boring."
Kyle,"You insensitive asshole, Cartman! Nine people died!"
Cartman,"Yeah, but like, eight of them were hippies. Mostly hippies go to farmer's markets. Mostly."
Father Maxi,"It is sometimes hard, in times like these, to understand God's way. Why would he allow nine innocent people to be run down in the prime of their lives by a senior citizen who, perhaps, shouldn't be driving? It is then that we must understand, God's sense of humor is very different from our own. He does not laugh at the simple ""man walks into a bar"" joke. No, God needs complex irony and subtle farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me. All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh and a tragedy such as this will never happen again."
Mr. Garrison,Look out!!
Elderly Driver,"Huh? Was that a stop sign back there?  Ooooh, I think I hit a pothole."
Stan,"Hey Dad, how come they let old people drive?"
Randy,"Well, Stan, it's a very fragile issue."
Stan,But they kill people.
Randy,"Sometimes, yes, but senior citizens have to be dealt with very gingerly, Stan. We can't just take their licenses away."
Marvin,I'll be Goddamned if they think they can take my license away!
Sharon,"Oooh, hi Dad."
Marvin,"I heard what you said! You wanna take drivin' privileges away from seniors! Well let me tell you something, peckerface! I worked fifty five years in the steel mill!"
Randy,Yes Dad.
Marvin,And I flew Spitfires over Germany in World War II!
Randy,Yes I know.
Marvin,And I will be God-damned if the government thinks it can step in and take away my right to drive!
Stan,"I think old people should have rights, Grandpa. I just don't wanna die."
Elderly Man,"Damnit Mona, this isn't the fastest way to Country Kitchen Buffet!"
Mona,"No, but it's the shortest. I save the most gas that way."
Elderly Man,You save the most gas if you take the highway to Country Kitchen Buffet!
Mona,"Less miles means less gas, you old fool."
Elderly Man,There's Country Kitchen right there!
Mona,Where?
Elderly Man,Right there! You're gonna miss it!
Mona,Is this the parking lot?
Elderly Man,I think so.
Anchor,"Another death tonight by a senior citizen motorist. Carl Zorn of Pine Junction was killed instantly when struck by a vehicle driven by Pete and Lydia Malman, who were trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet. This latest tragedy comes only two days after the accident in Deer Creek, where three construction workers and a bulldozer  were run down by senior citizen Paul Thom , who was trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet. Public outcry is forcing the DMV to consider suspending the licenses of all seniors over seventy, though no decision has yet to be made."
Marvin,"Seniors of South Park, I don't know about you, but I am mad as hell!"
Seniors,Yeah!
Elderly Woman 1,I'm sick of having my mental condition come into question!
Elderly Man 1,"We need to let everyone know we're pissed off, and we're not gonna take it anymore!"
Seniors,"Yeah! Yeah! That's right, Pete!"
Marvin,"That's right! Now, ...can anybody remember what we're pissed off about?  Now, remember we're all pissed about something and uh... that's why we had this meeting, but I... can't for the life of me re-"
Elderly Woman 2,Oooo. Was it the kids skateboarding on the sidewalks? No?
Elderly Man 2,"Oh, I remember! They're gonna take our licenses away!"
Seniors,Yeah! Yeah! That's right!
Marvin,"That's right! They're gonna try and take our licenses away! And I, for one, am mad as hell!"
Seniors,"Me too! Yeah, that's right! And mine too!"
Elderly Woman 1,I'm sick of having my mental condition come into question!
Marvin,"So now, what are we gonna do about it?"
Elderly Man 3,Do about what?
Elderly Woman 3,They're gonna take our licenses away.
Elderly Woman 1,They are?? They can't do that!
Marvin,That's right. So you know what I think we should do? I think we should have a senior citizens' meeting! Get all the seniors together at the community center and unite!
Elderly Man 3,"Great idea, Marvin!"
Elderly Woman 4,"Wait, ah I think we're having that meeting right now."
Marvin,"...Oh, right, this is the meeting."
Elderly Man 4,Right. To get those damn kids to stop skateboarding on the sidewalks!
Seniors,Yeah! Yeah! That's right! Someone's gotta stop them!
Randy,"Sharon, have you seen Dad?"
Sharon,"He's not here, hon. He's having a meeting with all the seniors in town at the community center."
Randy,"Oh.  Wait a minute. If all the seniors in town are at a meeting, that means that when the meeting gets out..."
Sharon,Every senior in town will be driving home...
Randy,At the same time.  Oh My God!
Randy,Get inside! Get inside!  Seniors' meeting getting out! Get off the streets!
Someone,Oh my Goddd!
Marvin,"All right, great meeting everyone. Let's do it again sometime."
Elderly Woman 1,"So long, everybody."
Elderly Man 5,"Goodbye, Missy."
Randy,Get off the streets! Get off the streets! Old people are driving!  Gerald! Where are the boys?!
Gerald,We've gotta get out of here!
Randy,"The boys, Gerald! Where are they?!"
Gerald,"They, they're... they're playing street hockey!"
Randy,Oh My God!!
Cartman,"With just ten seconds to go, the offense makes its move. Marsh heads for the goal and passes the ball to the poor kid. The poor kid hands it out to the Jew! The Jew shoots. Awww, and the shot is blocked again , proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey!"
Kyle,It isn't fair. Cartman's fatter than the goal.
Cartman,I'm not fat. I just have a sweet hockey body.
Randy,GET OFF THE STREETS!  GET OFF THE STREETS!
Kyle,"Dude, look!"
Randy,GET OFF... THE STREETS! GET OFF THE STREETS!
Stan,What is that?
Kyle,I don't know.
Randy,GET OFF... GET STRAIGHT OFF THE STREET!
Kyle,"Dude, is that your dad?"
Stan,I think so.
Cartman,Looks like Stan's dad's been hittin' the bottle again.
Stan,What is he saying?
Kyle,I can't understand him.
Randy,GAAAAAH!!
Cartman,Calm down! We cannot understand you!
Kenny,"(Ohhhhh, look!)  (You guys!)"
Stan,Oh Jesus!
Cartman,Old people!
Randy,Come on!
Cartman,"Oh God, they're coming!"
Randy,Get over there! Stay low!
Kyle,Why are they all out driving at the same time?
Randy,"Shhhh!  It's okay, boys. They're gone. Let's just lay low for a minute until we can find-  AWWWW!!"
Elderly Driver,I don't remember there being a building here.
Randy,RUN!
Elderly Passenger,"I told you to turn left, Larry."
Randy,Get up the stairs! Up the stairs! Come on! Come on!!
Kyle,Aah! There's another one!
Randy and the Boys,AAAHH!!
Elderly Driver,"Excuse me, is this Costello Avenue?"
Randy,In here!
Cartman,They're not gonna stop until we're all dead!
Randy,Quiet! Keep quiet!
Stan,"Dad, I'm scared."
Randy,"Just, keep your voices down. We'll stay the night in here. We'll stay the whole winter if we have to."
Stan,I'm not staying the winter in this room! We just need to tell old people they can't drive anymore!
Randy,"Awgh. Stan, it's not that simple! Just relax while I find the lights. Here we go."
Elderly Driver,How the hell did we get up here?
Randy and the Boys,AAAAAAAHH!!
Elderly Passenger,I told you this was the wrong way!
Field Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing outside of the Department of Motor Vehicles, where senior citizens have until three p.m. to hand over their driver's licenses. The new law was passed just three days after the Night of Horror, in which all seniors were out driving at the same time, causing fourteen deaths and three million dollars in damage."
DMV Official,Alrighty.   There we go. Next?
Elderly Man 2,It ain't right what you're doin'! I never had an accident in my life!
Elderly Woman 6,That's right. You shouldn't punish all of us.
DMV Official,"We're sorry, but this is the only way to be sure. Next please.  There we go."
Elderly Man 6,But how am I supposed to get to the grocery store? Or the pharmacy to buy medicine?
DMV Official,"Well, maybe you should be in a nursing home. Hmmm?"
Elderly Man 7,Some of us would rather die!
DMV Official,"Well, we can certainly help you with that, too."
Elderly Woman 7,We aren't second-class citizens!
Elderly Man 8,"That's right! You can take our licenses, but you'll never take our pride!"
An Elderly Man,Yeah...
Cartman,"Ooooh, isn't this great you guys? Being able to walk the streets now that old people are confined to their homes where they belong?"
Marvin,"Billy, get in the car! I need you boys to help me pick up my new Hov-Around."
Stan,"Uh, Grandpa, I don't think you should be driving."
Marvin,"God-damnit Billy! You're supposed to listen to your dad, right?! Well I'm your dad's dad, and that means you get in this car before I tan all your hides!"
Kyle,"Well, look at it this way: statistically speaking, we're safer inside a car with an old person driving than outside."
Cartman,"My God, he's right.  Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, even though I walk through the valley of death.  Guys, I don't know if I ever told you this, but, well, I love you guys.  Except for you, Kyle."
Marvin,"Okay, all set?"
Kenny,(Oooooo my God!)
Stan,"Ah, I think there's a police car behind you, Grandpa."
Marvin,"Eh?  Go around. Go around, you moron!"
Barbrady,"Blue Impala, pull your vehicle over!"
Cartman,I believe that's us... thank God.
Barbrady,"Could I see your license, please?"
Marvin,I ain't got one! You peckers took it!
Barbrady,"Well then, I have to take you to jail."
Marvin,"You just try taking me to jail, scrotum-head! You just try!"
Marvin,Stupid son of a- God damnit!
Barbrady,"I just got him right here, Mr. Marsh."
Randy,"Oh brother. Well, good job, dad! Look at you now!"
Marvin,"Oh God damnit, don't you lecture me you son of a bitch!"
Randy,"You just had to be so damn stubborn, didn't you?!"
Marvin,Now my son is gonna talk to me like I'm twelve.
Randy,"We're not treating you like children, Dad. All right? Now I think you owe Mr. Police Officer an apology. Who needs to apologize, hm?  Who's the sorry-sorry?"
Marvin,Kiss my sagging ass!
Randy,"Well fine. I was gonna bail you out, but maybe you can just sit here for a bit and think about what you did!"
Marvin,Well I won't be sitting here long! I've already called the AARP!
Stan,What's that?
Marvin,"The American Association of Retired Persons! The largest political group in the country! When seniors like me are bein' discriminated against, the AARP comes and sets it right!  And you're gonna be sorry when they get here!"
Mr. Garrison,"And so you see, children, Genghis Khan was a ""Mongol,"" not to be confused with a ""mongoloid"" like the actor, Nicholas Cage. Okay now, who can tell me in what  ...year ...the ...first ...film by a... mongoloid...  That's odd.  Those ROTC guys are way off course."
Cartman,More old people!
Stan,The American Association of Retired Persons.
Mr. Garrison,"Stay in your seats, children. I'll be right back."
AARP leader,Set up a perimeter! Bring Bravo Team to Point Delta!
AARP member 1,Bravo Team is go.
AARP member 2,Move! Move! Move!
AARP member 3,Let's go! Let's go!
Mr. Garrison,"Uh, can I help you folks find something?  Oowww!"
Cartman,Old people gone mad!
AARP member,"Contact.  Put your hands up, young man!"
AARP leader,Marvin Marsh?
Marvin,Yes?
AARP leader,"I'm Bill Stewart, President of the AARP. Hu-we've come to help the seniors in this town fight back."
Marvin,"Oh, it's nice to meet ya, Bill."
Stewart,Huh?? We came as fast as we could. We just had to stop by Country Kitchen Buffet first.
AARP leader,It's the nursing home! Liberate our comrades!
Male Nurse,"There now, Mr. Johnson.  We can go to the cafeteria and get you some creamed corn and toast.  Can I help you?"
AARP leader,"Help this!  The revolution is on, brother!  We're taking control of the town!"
Mr. Johnson,"Well, alright, well it's about damn time!  Hey everyone, we're taking the town."
AARP member,"Seniors, we're taking the town over."
AARP leader,The revolution is on!
Elderly Woman,The revolution?
Elderly Man,"Oh, I'd better get my other sweater."
A Nurse,"Mrs. Wyland, seniors are taking over the town. Would you like a gun?"
Mrs. Wyland,"Oh, I suppose so."
Randy,What the hell is going on?!
AARP member,Shut your piehole and get over there!
Gerald,"Randy, what is this?"
Stewart,Hey! You are now under the authority of the AARP!
Marvin,"Ha! There you go, Mr. Smartmouth! Look at you now!"
Randy,"Dad, what are you doing??"
Marvin,The AARP is gonna help us take this town until we get our licenses back!
Elderly Woman,"Yeah, and we're gonna ask for more money in Medi-Care, too!"
AARP leader,That's right.
Elderly Man,Yeah.
Man in Vest,Have you all got Alzheimer's? The-they're not gonna listen to a bunch of whacked out senior citizens.
Stewart,"Heh??  We'll tell them if they don't give us our demands, we'll start killin' hostages!"
Man in Vest,"Huh, right. They're gonna really believe that."
Marvin,"Isn't that a little extreme, Bill?"
Stewart,"Heh??  No, we gotta be tough! Just like with those damned Japs!"
Randy,"This is insane, Dad! You all need to stop right now before more people get hurt!"
Marvin,"The time when you can tell me what to do is over, pucky-boy! We're in charge now!"
Marvin,"All right, we've got control of the Mayor's office and the fire station."
AARP member,Reinforcements have arrived from the nursing home in Conifer.
Stewart,"Good! Hell, us senior citizens could take over the entire country!"
AARP lookout,We've got company!
Tank Driver,Attention seniors: lay down your weapons and turns yourselves over!
Stewart,"Mrs. Applegate, show 'em we mean business."
Mrs. Applegate,All right.
Tank Driver,What do you want?
Stewart,Heh??
Marvin,We want our licenses back!
Other Seniors,Yeah!
Elderly Woman,That's right. And we want more money in Medi-Care!
Other Seniors,Yeah!
Elderly Man,And we want those damned kids to stop skateboardin' on the sidewalk!
Other Seniors,Yeah!
Stan,Hey Dad.
Randy,Stan! Boys! You're safe!
Stan,"Dad, why is everyone letting old people do this? Why doesn't somebody stop them?"
Randy,"They've tried to stop them, son, but... the seniors get up so early in the morning they... get everything done before everyone else is even awake!"
Kyle,They're saying something about taking over the entire country.
Randy,"Yes. And now seeing how early they get up, I don't see how anyone can stop them. Wait a minute. You boys! You get up almost as early as they do! You can fight them!"
Stan,"No. Come on, Dad. Can't you guys do it?"
Randy,"No, son. We... like to sleep in."
An Elderly Woman,Two hostages come front and center!
Randy,"They're coming!! Get out of here before they see you! Run to the hills and find a way to fight them! Go!!  Boys, avenger me! AVENGER ME!!"
Stan,"All right, check it out. Kenny did reconnaissance on the town. The old people have blockades here  and here . The old ladies are keeping watch in towers around the perimeter, and the leaders along with my grandpa are most likely in the Mayor's office."
Cartman,So our only solution is to cut off their life force.
Kyle,"We can't fight them, Cartman."
Cartman,No. But we can sneak into town and shut down their food supply.  Here.
Kyle,Country Kitchen Buffet?
Cartman,"Yeah. You take out Country Kitchen Buffet, and old people won't know what to do."
Kyle,"That's a retarded idea, Cartman!"
Cartman,Is it? Two years ago they closed the Country Kitchen Buffet in Steamboat Springs. And all the old people died of starvation in less than a week.
Stan,"Yeah, I remember hearing about that."
Kyle,"Ech, even if it could work, how would we go about shutting it down?"
Cartman,"I think I have a plan, though we'll have to do it tonight.  We'll start by sneaking into town, cleverly disguised as black people.  At 5:45 Kenny and Kyle split off and set a diversion on the east end of town.  Meanwhile, Stan and I sneak into the Mayor's office  and steal some of the explosives the old people have stashed. Nine o'clock: we rendezvous at the Country Kitchen Buffet, where we strap the explosives and the timer to Kyle's chest. We say our tearful goodbyes to Kyle, and then we send him inside."
Cartman,Yeah!
Stan,All right!
Kenny,(Woohoo!)
Cartman,Aw yeah!
Stan,We did it!
Stan,"...Yeah, or we just go to Country Kitchen Buffet and lock it from the inside so the seniors can't get in."
Cartman,"Well, right, or we could always do that."
Stewart,"All right everyone, round up your ammunition and get ready to move! We're takin' this war further out!"
AARP Members,All right!
Marvin,"Uh, I appreciate what the AARP is tryin' to do for us, but uh, all we want is our licenses back."
Stewart,Huh??  Heck no! This is goin' too well.We're gonna take the whole country back. Wipe out everyone below the age of sixty five!
Marvin,Wipe 'em out?? What are you? Senile?
Stewart,"Come on, everyone! It's time to plan for Phase 2!  What the heck?  Huh? What is this?! It's 6 a.m. C-Country Kitchen should be open!"
Elderly Man 9,It's not open? It has to be!
Elderly Man 10,Try a window.
Elderly Man 11,They're blocked from the inside.
Stewart,No...  Let us in! Let us in!
Elderly Man 9,Open the door! It's six a.m.
Elderly Woman,Open the Country Kitchen Buffet for us!
Elderly Man,You have to let us in!
Army Official,"All right everyone, area secure. Collect their weapons and free the hostages.  That was a great strategy, boys. You may very well have saved this entire country."
Randy,"Whoa-ho-ho-ooh, what happened? Is it over?"
Army Official,Everything is fine. Control of the town is back to you folks.
Stewart,Country Kitchen... wha-what happened?
Soldier,"Sir, what should we do with this one?"
Army Official,It's up to the townspeople.
Randy,"Well, I think he learned his lesson. Huh? Don't you feel silly now, Dad? I think somebody owes us all an apology. Yes he does."
Stan,"Oh, stop it, Dad! This is partly your fault!"
Randy,Huh?
Stan,"Look, all Grandpa wants is not to be talked to like a child. I think half of what he was angry about wasn't what you were doing, but how you were doing it."
Marvin,That's right.
Stan,"And Grandpa, you should be proud that you made it through life to be a senior, but you should also realize that, when you're behind the wheel, you're a killing machine."
Marvin,I know. I guess sometimes us seniors need to know when to stop driving so we don't put the responsibility on our families.
Randy,"Well, I think this has been a real learning experience for the Marsh family. People died, but we all grew a bit. Let's just go home."
Marvin,Sure. I'll drive.
Randy,That's our Grandpa.
Stan,"Dude, I hate my family."
Stan,"Dude, I wonder where Kyle is."
Cartman,Maybe he caught a disease and died. That'd be so awesome.
Stan,Dude that's not funny. You shouldn't joke about that.
Kenny,(Yeah.)
Cartman,Who's joking?
Kyle,You guys! You guys! I have awesome news!
Cartman,You have AIDS?
Kyle,"No. This Saturday, for my birthday, my Mom says she's takin' me to Casa Bonita, in Denver, and I get to invite three friends!."
Cartman,Wow! Casa Bonita?!
Kenny,(Woo-hoo!)
Stan,What's Casa Bonita?
Cartman,"Dude, haven't you ever been there?! It's a big Mexican restaurant where they have, like, cliff jumpers and Black Bart's Cave and  all kinds of stuff!"
Kyle,It's like the Disneyland of Mexican restaurants.
Cartman,This Saturday! Awesome!  Casa Bonita! Casa Bonita! Food and fun in a festive atmosphere.  Casa Bonita!
Kyle,Who said I'm inviting you?
Cartman,You... your Mom said you could take three friends.
Kyle,Yes. Three friends. You're not my friend.
Cartman,"Wuh ih uh... Weh come on, Kyle, who the hell else are you gonna take besides Stan and Kenny?"
Kyle,"I'm gonna take Butters. He invited me to his birthday party last month, so I owe him one."
Cartman,Butters?! You're gonna take THAT butt hole?! Why?!
Kyle,Because Butters isn't a total dick to me!
Cartman,I have never been a dick to you.
Kyle,Oh please! All you ever do is call me names and rip on me for being Jewish!
Cartman,"Kyle, when have I ever ripped on you for being a Jew?"
Kyle,"Oh yeah?! Well you're a stupid Jew! You're a Jew! Shut your God-damned Jew mouth! Good job, Jew! Jew... Shut up, Jew! You're Jewish!! Dude, he's Jewish! Jew! Jew! Jew! Jew! Jew! Jew! Jew?! ""I told you Jewish people don't have rhythm."" ""Fuck off, Cartman!"""
Cartman,"Okay, except maybe for that one time."
Kyle,"You've always been a dick to me, Cartman, and I'm not inviting you."
Cartman,"Kyle, you don't understand! Casa Bonita is my most favorite place  in the whole world. I'll just, I'll just die if you don't take me! Please!"
Kyle,"Sorry, my mind's made up."
Cartman,"Well fuck you, Kyle!! I don't wanna go to your faggy birthday party anyway! I'd much rather hang out at home than have to be around you and your Jew mom for a day!  Kiss my balls, asshole!!!  Dude, I totally didn't mean that, Kyle.  I really really wanna go to Casa Bonita. I'm sorry we had that fight just now. You know, I mean, I said some things, you said some things, but, I think it was good and we-we've moved past it."
Kyle,I'm not inviting you to Casa Bonita.
Cartman,"Well fuck you, Kyle!! I hope you die! I hope you fucking die!!"
Cartman,"Casa Bonita! Come on, you guys!  Oh, awesome!!  Come on, you guys! Black Bart's Cave!  Wow, cliff divers!  More sopapillas, please!"
Kyle,"I'm not inviting you, Cartman. You can't go."
Cartman,"No! Noooo!  Casa Bonita! Noooo!  AAAAH!!  Oh... God-damnit, I have to get invited to go! I'm just gonna have to start being nice to Kyle!"
Cartman,Hi Kyle.
Kyle,"That isn't it, Cartman."
Cartman,What isn't it?
Kyle,That's not being nice! That's just putting on a nice sweater!
Cartman,...I don't understand the difference.
Kyle,I know you don't.
Cartman,"Jimmy! Hey Jimmy, wait up!  Dude, uh I need your help on something."
Jimmy,"Well, sure, Eric. W-w-what seems to be the p-p-p-prrroblem?"
Cartman,"Well, everybody likes you, Jimmy, a-and you seem to be really good with people, so, I was wondering if you could tell me, how ""do"" you act nice to people?"
Jimmy,"Well, the best thing is not to act nice, Eric. Uh, the best thing is to be genuinely nice."
Cartman,"Okay, so how do you act genuinely nice to people?"
Jimmy,"Well, Eric, pah part of being nice is just making people smile and laugh. The best way to do that is by telling a fan-tastic joke or a humorous anti-d- ant'duhh ...anecdote."
Cartman,Like what?
Jimmy,"Well, like, try this one on for size: Knock knock."
Cartman,Who's there?
Jimmy,"Ing-mar ...Bergman.  Now you say, ""Ingmar Bergman who?"""
Cartman,"Take that, Jimmy!  And that! And don't you ever talk bad about Kyle again!  Kyle is my friend! And if you say you had sex with his mom one more time, I'm gonna really let you have it! You hear me?!  Oh, Kyle. Hey."
Kyle,Do you really think that beating up a handicapped kid is being nice?
Cartman,"Uh...  He-hey Kyle! Knock knock.  Knock knock, Kyle!"
Kyle,"Yeah, Casa Bonita, this Saturday!"
Butters,"Wow, that's gonna be so fun!"
Stan,"Yeah, it'll be awesome. Just the four of us."
Kenny,(Yeah!)
Cartman,Hey Kyle.
Kyle,Well?
Cartman,Well what?
Kyle,How are you going to try to get invited to Casa Bonita this time?
Cartman,"I'm not, Kyle. I know you already told Butters he could go."
Kyle,"Oh. Well... yeah. I, I did."
Cartman,"So, fine, Kyle, but honestly, I never meant to make you feel like you didn't matter at all to me. I know we argue all the time and I give you tons of crap, but we've also been through a, a lot together, and... maybe that alone doesn't make us friends, but it makes us something. So, ...whatever, you know, just... ah I hope... things will be cool."
Kyle,I'm still not inviting you to Casa Bonita.
Cartman,"I know, Kyle. I'll see ya later."
Kyle,"Eh... hey, Cartman?  You really don't care that you can't go?"
Cartman,"I care, sure, but I hope it doesn't mean you and me and Stan and Kenny can't hang out anymore."
Kyle,"That's exactly what I wanted to hear from you all along. Ah uh I still have to take Butters, but... I hope things can be cool too."
Cartman,Good.
Kyle,"And, and hey, if for some reason Butters can't go to Casa Bonita, you can take his place."
Cartman,"Sweet, whatever.  Bingo!"
Butters,"What's this all about, Eric?"
Cartman,"Butters, can you keep a secret?"
Butters,"Well, sure I can!"
Cartman,"For the past five days I've been looking out into space for a school project. This morning, at 3:45 a.m. I... caught first sight of something terrible."
Butters,Nnn-how terrible?
Cartman,"A meteor. A meteor the size of Wyoming, heading right for earth."
Butters,What??
Cartman,"Now look, ah I could be wrong. I ...pray that I'm wrong, but, I just want you to take a look and... see what you think.  Do you see anything?"
Butters,I just see stars.
Cartman,Keep looking. Sometimes it takes your eyes a minute to adjust.
Butters,"Nope, uh I don't see any...  Oh wait. Oh my God! I see it. I see it! It's a meteor! Oh my God!"
Cartman,Oh my God! Does it look like it's getting closer?
Butters,It is! It is getting closer! Oh my God!
Cartman,Oh my God! That meteor is the size of Wyoming and it's on a collision course for Earth.
Butters,When do you think uh it'll get here?
Cartman,"I, I don't know, I, have to do some calculations.  10 to the power of 1 base 9 divided by pi plus 5 minus 3. Oh Jesus."
Butters,What??
Cartman,"According to my calculations, that meteor is going to hit Earth in less than four hours."
Butters,"Oh, you mean we're gonna die?!"
Cartman,"No! No, Butters, we are going to live! Do you hear me?! We are going to live! We just... We've gotta find a bomb shelter!"
Butters,Wha...? Where is there a bomb shelter??
Cartman,"Stan's Uncle Jimbo! He has a bomb shelter in his backyard! Come on, Butters! Hurry!"
Butters,AAAAHH!
Butters,Oh Jeez!
Cartman,Here we go! The bomb shelter's down here!
Butters,Oh God! Oh Jesus!
Cartman,"All right, we should be safe in here. This dried food and water should last us for weeks."
Butters,"But what about everyone else? I have to tell my parents so they can come here, too."
Cartman,No! Butters! I can't let you risk it. I'll go up and get the others.
Butters,Are you sure?
Cartman,"I'm not sure of anything anymore.  Now Butters, listen: No matter what happens, no matter what you hear, do not come out! If I don't make it back in time with the others, then it will be up to you to repopulate the Earth."
Butters,But I'm the only one down here. What am I supposed to repopulate with?
Cartman,"Well, you know, with your wiener.  Just stay down here until you hear word from me. And... pray, Butters... pray for all mankind."
Butters,"Oh God, oh God!"
Kyle,Where is Butters? We were supposed to leave here forty minutes ago.
Sheila,"Well I think we better just go without him, Kyle. It's getting late."
Kyle,"Yeah, screw him. Let's go.  Oh, finally!"
Cartman,"Happy Birthday, Kyle. I just wanted to stop by and give you your present."
Kyle,"Oh. Thanks, dude."
Cartman,Hope you have a good one. See you later.
Kyle,Oh wait. Cartman.
Cartman,Yes?
Kyle,Uh Butters didn't show. You wanna go to Casa Bonita with us?
Cartman,Butters didn't show? I I can't believe it. Uh are you sure you told him the right time and everything?
Kyle,I told him 5:30 and we gotta get going. You in?
Cartman,"Well I... really would need to go home first and get my... Weh no no, I guess I have everything I need. Oh, okay, sure."
Kyle,"All right, let's go."
Sheila,"Okay, boys. Get in the car."
Cartman,"Casa Bonita, here we come! Casa Bonita! Casa Bonita!"
Sheila,"Oh, hello Chris, Linda."
Chris,Hello everyone. Have any of you seen our son?
Kyle,Butters was supposed to go with us to Casa Bonita tonight.
Chris,"We know, but... he hasn't been home since last night. The police have been looking everywhere, but...  Well, thank you. Uh, please, let us know if you find out anything."
Linda,Oh Butters!
Kyle,"Aw dude, weak."
Cartman,"Yeah. Man, that sucks about Butters.  Well, let's get going, shall we?"
Kyle,"Nah. Dude, I c-I can't go to have a birthday party while Butters is missing."
Stan,"Yeah, it's kinda weird."
Cartman,"Ee-yeah yeah. I think you're right, but, on the other hand, I think Butters would want us to go. You know Butters..."
Kyle,"Nah, I can't. We should help look for him."
Stan,Yeah.
Sheila,"That's very good of you, boys. We can postpone Casa Bonita until next Saturday."
Cartman,Next Saturday?? I'll never be able to keep Butters in the...  In the... depths of my heart for that long. I sure hope he... turns up before then.
Stan,"Dude, we should check over at Stark's Pond. Butters always hangs out over there."
Kyle,Yeah. And then we can try the football field.
Sheila,I'll drive you boys.
Cartman,"Oh, God-damnit! How am I gonna keep Butters down in that bomb shelter for a whole week?!"
Captain,"All right, folks, this is the little boy we're looking for:  Leopold Stotch, also known as Butters. He's been missing for two days and was last seen at the school. Let's go find him."
Butters,"""Dried food rations. Add water to feed flavored square...""  Hello?  Hello??"
Cartman,Butters!
Butters,Hwaaaah!!
Cartman,"Butters! Oh God, it was... It was horrible!"
Butters,"Wuh, wait, well, what happened??"
Cartman,The meteor... struck the Earth sooner than I predicted. There was no time... no time...
Butters,What about my parents. Did you see them?
Cartman,"There was mass confusion! Pa... panic! People were crawling all over each other in the streets! It was... awful! When it hit, millions were evaporated instantly. The rest of us... walking around in a... cloud of... toxic... radiation."
Butters,"Oh my God, let me see!"
Cartman,"No Butters!! If you come up, you'll get infected too! You best wait for the radiation level to go down. Probably... next week sometime. After Saturday. Ugh..."
Butters,How many survivors are there? You should all come down here.
Cartman,"We can't come down there, or else, we'll contaminate you, Butters. No... we just have to survive the best we can."
Butters,"Wow... Eric, I can never thank you enough for everything you've done for me."
Cartman,"Thank me by living, Butters. Live. And... rebuild.  I've got to go. Remember, wait one week for the toxic levels to go down. On Saturday.  G-goodbye!  All right. Just six days, Butters. Sit tight."
Field Reporter,"Tom, it has now been three days since the Stotch child has gone missing. Townspeople continue to search, but hope... is dwindling."
Captain,"All right, folks. I wanna thank you for all your efforts. Three days is a long time, but we've got to keep going if we're gonna find him."
Cartman,Heh you're not going to find him. Not until after Saturday when I go to Casa Bonita.
Captain,"Many times in cases like these a child can trap themselves. It is important that we spread our search to duct pipes, wells, and bomb shelters."
Cartman,What what what?
Captain,"I say we need to move the search to ducts, wells, and bomb shelters. Let's move out, people! Every second counts!"
Cartman,UUuuugh!!
Butters,"But if you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me.Oo-oo-ooooo-oo girl, baby please don't go. Eh,Oo-oo-ooooo-oo girl- Eric?  Eric, is that you?"
Cartman,Oh God! They're coming! They're coming! We gotta get out of here! They're coming this way!
Butters,Who's coming this way?
Cartman,"The cannibals! Don't you know? The meteor destroyed all of society, Butters. Now Earth is ruled by packs of wild humans gone mad! Those of us who survived are now being hunted by flesh-starved cannibals!"
Butters,Oh God! I hate cannibals!
Cartman,"They're coming this way! I can hear them coming. They'll find you down here for sure. And when they do, they'll eat you alive."
Butters,Noooo!
Cartman,"We've gotta get you out of here! Come on! Oh oh no wait, I forgot! The toxic radiation! Hey wait! We can use this box!  There we go. This should keep you protected from the toxins."
Butters,But I can't see nothin'.
Cartman,"Believe me, Butters, you don't wanna see what's up there. Now come on. I'll guide you to a safer location. &lt;/&gt; There you go. Two more steps and you're at the top.  Good."
Butters,Are we out in the destruction?
Cartman,"Yes. There's nothing but smoldering bodies all around you. Burnt out buildings, and what used to be our town."
Butters,Aw man.
Cartman,"All right, this way, Butters. Just follow the sound of my voice."
Cartman,"Right now we're walking by what used to be people's houses, now just smoldering burnt piles of rubble."
Butters,"Huh... Oh, it's terrible."
Cartman,We're coming now to the crater where the meteor hit. A hole in the Earth over two miles in diameter.
Butters,Whoa!
Cartman,Here we are at the old gas station. It survived a lot of the impact. We might be safe here.  Oh my God!
Butters,Whaaat??
Cartman,"It's a cannibal! Stay back, cannibal!"
Butters,AAAAHH!
Cartman,We've got to fight them off!  Stay away from Butters! He's humanity's last hope!  Awww! He bit me! He bit off my hand!!
Butters,Waaaaaah!
Cartman,"Aw man, he's eating my hand like a piece of chicken! Can you hear the bones crack?"
Butters,Ooohhhh!
Cartman,Wait! Look here! There's a dead body with an axe in the back. I'll pull out the axe and use it to chop off the cannibal's head. Hunh!  Die!
Butters,"Ooooh, what happened? What happened?!"
Cartman,"The cannibal! The cannibal's dead, Butters! But he bit me,  which means soon I will have a taste for human flesh as well."
Butters,Oh no!
Cartman,"We have no choice, Butters! We have to lock you away somewhere where even I can't get to you!"
Butters,Uh w-where??
Cartman,"Look! There's an old refrigerator!  Get inside, Butters! I'll break off the handle so nobody can get to you!"
Butters,Aren't you coming?
Cartman,"Too late for me. I can already feel my... body start to... change.  No! Must... fight... it... Don't open this door for anybody, Butters! No matter what you hear, stay inside for four days! Here's some water and food from the shelter."
Butters,"Eric, you're the ...best friend in the whole world. I... I love you."
Cartman,"I love you too, man. I just  You look so delicious! Must eat your brains!"
Cartman,"Hah!  It's Wednesday! It's Wednesday!  Only three more days till Casa Bonita.  Oh, that would be so bad-ass!"
Butters,"Finally I can breathe a-  Oh my God. Oh my God, the meteor took out everything! It's all destroyed. Nothing left.  Hello? Are there any, are there any other survivors? Hello? Oh. That must have been where the library was. And that was probably the school. Hello?  Oh. I forgot, I gotta watch out for radioactive cannibals.  Is that a cannibal? Sir? Ma'am?  Oh. Aww, it's a little dog.  Well, hello there, Mr. Dog. Looks like you and me are the only ones who survive the meteor, heh. We should stick together, huh, Mr. Dog? Well come on, we gotta start cleanin' up this mess, and rebuild this civilization. Boy, that meteor sure did make everything stinky."
Cartman,"We're on our way to Casa Bonita! We're gonna be there very soon. You're gonna love Casa Bonita, Stan. There, there's this one part where you can dress up in Old Western clothes and get your photo taken in a fake jail."
Stan,Really?
Kyle,"Yeah, it's pretty cool."
Cartman,"""Pretty cool."" So, um, should we go to Black Bart's Cave first or watch the puppet show? I think we should go through Black Bart's Cave right away 'cause, we're gonna wanna do it seven or eight times. And then we'll watch the cliff divers before the puppet show."
Stan,"Dude, it's Kyle's birthday. We should do whatever he wants to do."
Cartman,"What? Fuck Kyle.  Ha ha, j-just kidding, birthday joke. Of course we'll do whatever Kyle wants, uh. Happy Birthday, Kyle."
Cartman,Happy Birthday to you. Happy-
"Stan, Cartman, Kenny",Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear Kyle. Happy Birthday to you. .
Butters,"You take away the biggest part of me.  Woo-oo-ooooo-oo-oo, uh baby please don't go.  Woo-oo-ooooo-oo-oo, I just had to find my say to you tan..."
Worker,Hello?
Butters,HAAAAGH! Who are you? Are you infected?
Worker,With what?
Butters,"You're not a cannibal, are you?"
Worker,No
Butters,"Oh.  Oh good. You're a survivor, like me. Look, Mr. Dog, another survivor. And it's a lady, too. That means we can repopulate the earth. Yippee!"
Worker,"Kid, what are you doin' here?"
Butters,"I'm rebuilding society. Here, take a look.  This is the library, and over here is the bank. That over there I'm thinking into a P.F. Chang's or a Bennigan's. And this  is a memorial to Eric Cartman, the person who gave his life so that I could rebuild society. Well ma'am, I guess we should start repopulatin' the earth, huh?  I'm ready whenever you are."
Worker,"Kid, I don't know what you think is going on, but this place is a dump."
Butters,"Hey, that's not very nice! This is my first society! I'm doin' my best!"
Worker,"No, I mean you're at the garbage dump. The town is right over there, everybody is fine, and I think they've been looking for you for over a week."
Butters,"Oh...  Ma'am, can I use your phone?"
Cartman,"We're here! We're here! Casa Bonita!  Aw man, this is gonna be so great!"
Sheila,"Wait up, Eric. We need to stay together.  Uh, hold on boys, that's my cell phone.  Hello? Yes. Oh, that's great!  Boys, they found Butters.  He's okay."
Kyle,"Oh, awesome."
Stan,I knew he'd turn up.
Sheila,"Yes, Eric Cartman is with us. Why?  Oh really?"
Kyle,What?
Sheila,"Yes, I will certainly let him know. Thank you.  Well, it appears that Eric here is responsible for Butters missing, because he wanted to go to Casa Bonita."
Kyle,What?
Sheila,"Eric, the South Park Police are already on their way here to have a little talk with you!"
Cartman,But... Casa Bonita.
Kyle,I should have known better! You never cared about my birthday at all!
Cartman,But I...  but...  Stand back!
Stan,"Cartman, stop it!"
Cartman,I... am going... to Casa... Bonita!
Kyle,"It's too late, fatass.  They'll be here in less than a minute."
Cartman,Ah! Eh. Nuh!  Less than a minute! Less than a minute!
Kyle,Cartman!
Cartman,"Oh, awesome!!  Excuse me, excuse me? Can I get to eat some of your-  Thank you. Thank you.  Oh, I've got to get to Black Bart's Cave!  Ah! Excuse me? Excuse me! Coming through to Black Bart's Cave!  Oh!  Oh, scary! Look, a skeleton!  Oh man, I'm so scared!  Oh! Oh! Oh, that was awesome! Oh! Oh! Cliff divers!  Come on! Come on, dive!  Dive, asshole!  Oh, awesome! That was cool, huh?  Whoa.  Sopapillas! Can I get some sopapillas please?!  Sweeet!  Oh! Booth! Puppet show! Puppet show!"
Kyle,Cartman!
Captain,"All right, kid! End of the line!"
Cartman,Ah.  Uh.  Yeeeesss!
Kyle,Jesus Christ!
Captain,"Well kid, you made an entire town panic, you lost all your friends, and now you're going to Juvenile Hall for a week! Huh, was it worth it?"
Cartman,Totally.
Mr. Garrison,"Okay, children, let's take our seats.  We have a new student joining us today who has just moved here from Utah. I want you all to say hi to Gary."
Gary,Hello everybody. It's relly great to meet you all.
Mr. Garrison,Gary was state champion in wrestling AND in tennis.  He also maintained a 4.0 grade point average at his old school AND has been on two national commercials for toothpaste.
Gary,"I'm really excited to live in this town and share all kinds of great experiences with you, my new friends!"
Kyle,"Oh, dude, what a little asshole!"
Stan,"Yeah, screw that kid!"
Mr. Garrison,"All right, Gary, why don't you take that empty seat and we'll get started with the lesson?"
Gary,Hey. My name's Gary.
Cartman,Hi. My name's Eura. Eura Fag.
Gary,"That's funny. You're cool, man."
Mr. Garrison,"Okay now, who can tell me what year the first astronauts landed on the moon?"
Gary,Oh! Oh oh oh! Nineteen sixty nine!
Mr. Garrison,"Very good, Gary. Wow, looks like I don't have a class full of retards anymore, doesn't it, children?"
Kyle,"Dude, that new kid is such a douche!"
Cartman,Yeah. Somebody need sto put him in him place!
Butters,"He's a peckerface, that's what he is!"
Cartman,"Go kick his ass, Stan."
Clyde,"Yeah, go kick his ass."
Stan,"Wull, maybe he won't fight."
Cartman,Will he bleed? That's all we care about.
Kyle,"Come on, dude, somebody needs to wipe that fuckin' smirk off his face!"
Craig,"Yeah, little bitch!"
Stan,"All right, I'm gonna go kick his ass."
Cartman,"Yeah! Go Stan! Go Stan!  All right, I've got five bucks on the other kid. Who wants in?"
Gary,Oh hey there! You wanna kick the ball around with me?
Stan,No. I'm... I'm gonna kick your ass.
Gary,'Scuse me?
Stan,I'm gonna kick your ass...  bitch.
Gary,"How come you wanna fight me? ...Oh, I get it. I'm the new kid.  Yeah, I guess maybe I deserve it."
Stan,Huh?
Gary,"It's really tough being in a totally new place, but I think all you guys are really cool so... I understand if there's initiation rites."
Stan,"Dude, stop it."
Butters,"Let him have it, Stan!"
Stan,"Shut up, Butters!"
Gary,"The other kids are watching. Look, do what you gotta do. I won't fight back. I just hope that maybe afterwards we can... try to be friends someday."
Kyle,What are they doing?
Cartman,"They're just standing there, talking."
Kyle,What happened?
Stan,I'm...  going over to his house for dinenr tonight.
Token,What?! How did that happen?
Stan,He's a really nice kid.
Cartman,"You were supposed to kick his ass, not lick his butthole!"
Kyle,You're having dinenr with his family? What kind of family has a kid like that?
Dad,"Okay, my turn.  Ooo, five!  One two three four five. Uh, awww, lost yor mortgage, pay ten thousand dollars! Oh no!"
Mom,"Hey, it's Gary!"
Older sister,Gary!
Older brother,Great to see you!
Mom,How are you?
Gary,"Hey everybody! This is my new friend Stan. Stan, this is my mom and dad."
Dad,Hi Stan!
Mom,It's so nice to meet you.
Gary,And this is my brother Mark.
Mark,Hi!
Gary,My sister Jenny.
Jenny,Hey!
Gary,My little brother Dave.
Dave,Hi!
Gary,And my baby sister Amanda.
Amanda,Hello Stan!
Dad,"Well, it's great you could join us for Family Home Evening, Stan!"
Stan,What's that?
Gary,That's when we don't allow any TV and just entertain each other with music and stories. Doesn't your family ever do that?
Stan,No.
Dad,Hey kids! Why don't you grab your instruments and play a song for Stan!
Jenny,Oh yeah!
Mark,All right! Let's play!
Gary,"Yeah yeah, yeah, I love my family!My family is the best!If we ever have to face a challenge."
The kids,My family!
Gary,can pass the test.
Dad,Oh boy! Who is the best Mom in the world??
Mark,All right! Go Dave!
Gary,Yeah!
"Jenny, Mark",Woohoo!
Mark,Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs?
The Family,Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Mark,"That's a great story, Sarah."
Dad,"All right, kids, now how about we do some Scripture readings! From the Book of Mormon!"
Mark,All right!
Kids,Yeah!
Mark,Woohoo! OOWW!
Stan,The... Book of Mormon? What's that?
Gary,You know... the book that Joseph Smith found.
Stan,Who's Joseph Smith?
Mark,Only the most important person in the world.
Jenny,You've never heard of him?
Stan,No!
Gary,"Tell us the story of Joseph Smith, Dad."
The other kids,"Oh yes, tell us Dad. Yeah Dad. All right."
Dad,"All right, you rascals. Gather round.  Joseph Smith lived in a little American town in the early 1800s."
Singers,Joseph Smith was called a prophetDumb dumb dumb dumb dumbHe started the Mormon religionDumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Blacksmith,There goes that kooky Joseph Smith
Customer,"You know, he claims he spoke with God and Jesus."
Woman,"Well, how do you know he didn't?"
Singers,Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumbJoseph Smith was called a prophet-
Butler,"Hey, Joseph! I told my wife that you spoke with God and Jesus, and she didn't believe it."
Smith,Well it's true. I did.
Wife,Where?
Smith,"I was out in the woods, praying  I was asking God if I should be a Protestant, or a Catholic, or what? And suddenly God and Jesus appeared before me.  And they said I should start my own church, because none of the others had it right.  And that's exactly how it happened."
Butler,You see? You believe it now?
Wife,"Well yeah, sure. Why would he make that up?"
Singers,Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumbMany people believed JosephDumb dumb dumb dumb dumbAnd that night he-ee saw an angelDumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Smith,"And please bless Mother and Father, and please keep our bellies full of yum-yums and luscious goodies.  AAAHH!  Oh my gosh!"
Angel,I am Moroni. I am a Native American.
Smith,A...  Native American?  But your skin is white.
Moroni,Yes. Long ago all Native American were white. We all came to America from Jerusalem. And while we were here we were visited by Christ.
Smith,Jesus live here in America?
Moroni,"Yes. Eventually, my people were all killed by the other tribe of Israel, and as punishment, God turned their skin red. These are the Native Americans you know today."
Singers,Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Moroni,"There is an ancient book buried near here, written on gold plates that account my people's lives. Also buried with the book are two seer stones, the Urim and Thummim, which will allow you to translate the writings. Find it, and fulfill your destiny."
Smith,Wooww...
Singers,Joseph Smith was called a prophetDumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Dad,"And we all know what happened then, don't we?"
Kids,Yeah! I know!
Stan,What happened then?
Mom,"Ooo, the Rice Crispy squares are done!"
Kids,Rice Crispy squares! Yay! All right! Rice Crispy squares!
Dad,"Hey gang, let's wrap some more of them up in plastic wrap and hand them out to the poor!"
Gary,Awesome! I can't wait!
Jenny,Yeah!
Gary,"You coming, Stan?"
Stan,"No, I was supposed to be home at eight."
Dad,"Awww, that's too bad. Well, it was really nice meeting you, Stan."
"Mark, Jenny",Bye Stan!
Mom,Great to meet you!
Gary,Bye!
Stan,...Hello?
Sharon,"Oh, hi Stan."
Stan,"Hey Dad, how come you never told me about Joseph Smith?"
Randy,Who?
Shelly,"Shut up, turd! We're watching Friends!"
Stan,The guy who spoke to God and Jesus.
Sharon,"Well, Stan, God and Jesus don't actually speak to people."
Stan,That's not what the Harrisons said.
Randy,Who are the Harrisons?
Stan,The new people that moved in down the street. Mr. Harrison said that Joseph Smith spoke to God and Jesus and they told him none of the religions were right.
Randy,"Oh, did he now?! What are they, religious kooks?!"
Stan,"They're not kooks, they're cool. I mean, how come we never have a night where we don't watch any TV and we just... do stuff together and eat and drink?"
Randy,"We have that, Stan. It's called Friday Night Kegger."
Stan,But that's just you and your friends.
Shelly,"I said shut up, turd!"
Stan,"Mr. Harrison said that I should be followng Heavenly Father's plan, and I don't even know what that is."
Randy,"All right, that does it!"
Sharon,Where are you going?
Randy,"I'm gonna go have a talk with this ""Mr. Harrison.""  If he thinks he can fill my son's head with wacko religious crap, he's wrong!"
Sharon,"Randy, don't cause trouble."
Randy,"Let me handle this, Sharon. You gotta put these cult people in their place or else they never stop! I'm gonna go kick this Mr. Garrison's ass!  This, Mr. Garrison is, is a white guy, right?"
Stan,Yeah.
Randy,"Jyeah, I'm gonna go kick his ass!"
Randy,"God-damned religious kooks! Tell my son what to believe, will you?! We'll see how you like my fist in your ass!"
Mr. Harrison,Hello!
Randy,"Yeah, are you Mr. Harrison?"
Mr. Harrison,"I sure am.  The, the name's Gary."
Randy,"Well, look, my kid was just over at your house and he a-"
Gary Sr.,"Oh, you're Stan's dad! It's so nice to finally meet you! Karen! Mr. Marsh is here!"
Randy,"Uh, look, I just want to tell you that"
Karen,"Oh, Mr. Marsh! What a treat! It's so nice to meet you!"
Randy,"Well, thanks. Uh..."
Gary Sr,Karen just finished baking the most amazing Rice Crispy squares.
Karen,With chocolate frosting
Gary Sr,Come on out of the cold. You've gotta try one. Or six.
Gary Sr.,I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to have you over.
Karen,I hear you're a geologist. That is so amazing.
Randy,"Look, uh, I actually came over because I'm a little concerned about some of the things you told my son."
"Gary Sr., Karen",Uh huh?
Randy,"You know. About... God, and stuff."
Gary Sr.,Oooh... Oh boy... you think we were trying to convert him.
Randy,"Well, I-"
Gary Sr.,"Oh, Mr. Marsh, I am sooo sorry."
Karen,"We just moved here from Utah and we're so used to everyone being Mormon that we... Oh, we forget not everyuone wants to hear about it. Oh boy, you must be furious!"
Randy,"Well, no, no, I just-"
Gary Sr.,"You just heard your son talking about religious ideals that aren't your own and you said ""Who the heck do these people think they are?!"" I I'm really, truly sorry, Mr. Marsh. It won't happen again."
Randy,Y-you can call me... Randy.
Karen,"Randy, the last thing we want is for people to think we're pushing our religion. We know there are a lot of beliefs out there and ours just works for us."
Gary Sr.,"To each his own, right?"
Randy,"Yeah. Yeah! You know, to be honist, I've never known any Mormons. I, don't even know what you people believe. Who was this Joseph Smith guy? Why did he believe that Native Americans are actually white people from Jerusalem?"
Gary Sr.,"Well, because they found ancient books they had written on gold plates, right where the angel Moroni said they would be."
Smith,"I found them! I found them!  You're not gonne believe it, everybody! I found them!"
Butler,Found what?
Smith,Another New Testament of Jesus Christ!
People,What? What did he say? Are you crazy?
Smith,"Last night, a Native America angel told me where I could find another testament of Jesus Christ, so I went out to the woods. I dug around all morning where the angel had told me to look."
Smith,Maybe there isn't anything out here.  Wait a tick!  What's this?  Wow...
Smith,"Inside the stone box, I found the magical seer stones. Under that, I found four gold plates written in strange writing ."
Smith,This must be the Gospel that Jesus told the Nephites!
Smith,"Well, they were the most amazing things I'd ever gazed upon."
Man,"Well, so where are they?"
Smith,Where are what?
Woman,The gold plates and the seer stones. Where are they?
Smith,"Oh. Oh, well, I... was not allowed to take them. You see, after I found the plates, the angel Moroni appeared to me again and said that I am not allowed to show the plates, or the seer stones, to anybody. Because first I must translate what's written on the plates into English, so you can all read it!"
Singers,Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
People,"Wow, amazing!"
Singers,He found the stones and golden platesDumb dumb dumb dumb dumbEven though nobody else ever saw themDumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Stan,"So, how'd it go, Clubber Lange? You kicked Mr. Harrison's ass?"
Randy,"Not exactly. We're uh, having their family over for dinner tomorrow night."
Stan,See? That's what happened to me!
Randy,"Sharon, did you know this guy Joseph Smith found a new testament to the Bible buried here in America?"
Sharon,What are you talking about?
Randy,"Well it's just that... the Harrisons are really nice people and... you should see how loving and together their family is. I, I think there's something to that religion."
Stan,"That's what they made me think, too!"
Randy,"All right, that does it. From now on, our family is Mormon!"
Cartman,"Hey Stan, how was your date last night with the new kid?"
Stan,"Shut up, dude. They're a nice family and... Gary is actually really smart and talented."
Cartman,"Aww, you guys. I think Stan's in love."
Kyle,"Yeah. Did you make out with him, too?"
Stan,What's the big deal? Can't I have other friends? You guys should give Gary a chance.
Gary,Hey Stan.
Cartman,"Ohhh, here's Stan's little girlfriend now."
Gary,"Hey guys. Stan, I remember you said last night that you'd lost your wallet, so I made you a new one.  I carved a picture of John Elway into the leather on the front."
Stan,"Wow, you made this?"
Cartman,"Awww, look at them. Aren't they so cute together?"
Gary,Hey! My family's on their way over to the fire station to donate blood. You wanna come along?
Stan,"Un, I don't think so, Gary. I have to uh..."
Gary,Oh here comes my family now!
The Harrisons,Hey you guys!
Karen,"Look, we painted our faces!"
Mark,I'm a lion.
Jenny,I'm an alien.
Gary Sr.,"Hey, just what the heck am I supposed to be?"
Cartman,Oh my God...
Dave,"You gonna come with us to the fire station, Stan?"
Stan,"Uh, no. I've got a lot to do."
Gary Sr.,"Well... Gary, you wanna just hang out with your friend Stan?"
Gary,"Oh. Well, I'd like to, but... Oh man, I would miss you guys so much!"
Mark,"We'd miss you too, Gary. Heh."
Karen,"Aw, we'll all see each other tonight when we go to Stan's house for dinner. Stay and play with your friend, Gary."
Gary Sr.,"Yeah. Have a good time, boys."
Mark,Let's go.  Our faces are painted.
Kyle,Wow!
Gary,So what do you guys wanna do?
Cartman,"Uh, that's cool. We're gonna leave you two lovebirds alone. The three of us have to go put in some volunteer work at the homeless shelter."
Gary,Oh cool! I'm gonna do that tomorrow.
Cartman,"Eeheehee, Jesus Christ."
Gary,"So hey, I heard your dad came over last night and he and my dad talked about Joseph Smith. That's great!"
Stan,Yyeah. I had a question about that Joseph Smith guy.
Gary,Sure.
Stan,What happened after he found the golden plates buried in the ground?
Gary,"Well, he kept them hidden from everyone like he was told. And then he translated what was written on the plates into the Book of Mormon."
Stan,"Yeah, but... how?"
Singers,Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Man,"What's this all about, Mr. Smith?"
Smith,"Mr. Harris, can you keep a secret?"
Harris,"Well, sure I can."
Smith,"I have, in my possession, an ancient book written on gold plates that tells of Jesus Christ's second coming. Here, in America."
Harris,In America?  Really? That sounds kind of...
Singers,Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Smith,"It's true. And I'm going to translate the plates and publish it into a book for the whole world to read. Now, ahah-I know you have a lot of money, Mr. Harris, and I'm just gonna need a little bit to pay for the publishing costs."
Harris,"Mmm, I don't know. Uh, how do you expect to translate it?"
Smith,With these.
Harris,Rocks?
Smith,"They're not rocks. They're seer stones, given to me by an angel. With them, God allowed me to translate the plates into English. Watch. You take this quill and paper and write down what I say. Sit here.  I have the golden plates here in this hat. I need to have them somewhere dark so I can read the spiritual light."
Harris,Really?
Smith,"Now, when I put the seer stones into the hat, the ancient letter light up and change into English, which I can then read to you."
Harris,Wow!
Smith,"Ooo, I'm seeing the light. Oh, okay. Write this down. ""And... so... it... was... that... Christ... appeared before... the... Nephites."""
Singers,"And that's how the Book of Mormon was writtenDumb dumb dumb dumb dumbDumb dadumb dumb dumb dumb dumbDumb dadumb dumb dumb dumb dumbDahumb dahumb dumb dumb dumb dumbDumb dumb dumb dumb duuumb, duuumb."
Randy,"One two three four. ""Pay one thousand dollars property tax.""  Isn't this great, you guys? Our first Family Home Evening."
Shelly,I wanna watch TV.
Randy,We're not watching TV! We're Mormons now and we're having Family Home Evening!
Stan,"Dad, did you know that that Joseph Smith guy read the Book of Mormon out of a hat?"
Randy,"And?  Your turn, Sharon."
Stan,"It's just that... the Book of Mormon says a lot of strange stuff, like that Adam and Eve lived in Jackson County, Missouri."
Randy,Yes.
Stan,But school taught me that the first man and woman lived in Africa.
Randy,"Well you can't believe everything school tells you, Stan. Your turn, Shelly.  Oooo, that must be the Harrisons!"
Gary,Hey everybody.
Mark,"Wow, what a great house!"
Karen,You must be Mrs. Marsh; it's so nice to meet youuu!
Jenny,"And you must be Stan's sister. Oh, I think your brother's the greatest."
Shelly,My brother is a stupid turd.
Gary,Hey Stan.
Stan,Hey Gary.
Randy,"Well, come on in and sit down, everybody.  You're here just in time. My son was having a little problem with our new religion."
Stan,Dad!
Gary Sr.,"Ohohoho, really? Wel, that's just because he hasn't heard the best part about the Joseph Smith story! The one that proves he was for real!"
The Harrisons,Yeah! Woohoo!
Randy,"Ooo, what's that?"
Gary Sr.,"Well, you remember Martin Harris, the rich man who wrote down what Joseph Smith read out of the hat?"
Stan,Yeah.
Gary Sr.,"See, after he was done, he took some of the pages of what would become the Book of Mormon home."
Singers,Martin went home to his wifeDumb dumb dumb dumb dumbAnd showed her pages from the Book of MormonDumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Harris,"A-and so Joseph Smith put his head into a hat, a-and read to me what the golden plates said. I wrote it all down and we're gonna publish it into a book."
Mrs. Harris,"Martin, how do you know he isn't just making stuff up and pretending he's translating off golden plates?"
Singers,Lucy Harris smart smart smartSmart smart smart smart smart
Harris,Why would he make it up?
Singers,Martin Harris dumb dadumb-
Lucy,"All right, here. I'm gonna hide these pages.  If Joseph Smith really is translating off of golden plates, then he'll be able to do it again. But if Joseph Smith is making it all up, then the new translations will be different from these."
Harris,"Okay, fine. I bet he'll have no problem."
Singers,Lucy Harris smart smart smartMartin Harris dumb.So Martin went on back to SmithSaid the pages had gone awaySmith got mad and told MartinHe needed to go prayDumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Harris,"Look, ah I'm sorry about losin' the pages we worked on, Joe, but I'm ready to write it all down again if you translate from the plates."
Smith,"I would love to, Martin, except, I just had a vision. And the Lord said he's very angry with me for letting you take those pages."
Harris,He is??
Singers,Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Smith,"Yes. He is so mad that he will never let me translate from the plate of Lehi again. He's... we must now translate from the plate of Nephi. So it will be the same basic story, but written a little differently."
Harris,"Wow! If God got angry with you, then you must be tellin' the truth."
Singers,Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.
Harris,"All right, Martin. Let's get to work!"
Gary Sr.,And that's how it happened.
Kids,Yeah! All right!
Stan,...Wait. Mormons actually know this story and they still believe Joseph Smith was a prophet?
Gary Sr.,"Well sure. The story proves it, doesn't it?"
Stan,"No, it proves he DID make it all up. Are you blind?"
Mark,"Well, Stan, it's all a matter of faith."
Stan,"No, it's a matter of logic! If you're gonna say things that have been proven wrong, like that the first man and woman lived in Missouri, and that Native Americans came from Jerusalem, then you'd better have something to back it up. All you've got are a bunch of stories about some asswipe who read plates nobody ever saw out of a hat, and then couldn't do it again when the translatios were hidden!"
Randy,"Hey, Stan, don't denounce our religion."
Stan,"I don't wanna be Mormon, Dad!"
Shelly,Me neither.
Gary,"Hey, that's only cool, guys. You can believe whatever you want!"
Gary Sr.,"Yeah, it's great you have your own beliefs."
Gary,Yeah! Hooray for the Marshes!
Stan,"Oh, stop it!  That's another thing! Why do you have to be so freakin' nice all the time?! It isn't normal! You just weasel people into your way of thinking by acting like the happiest family in the world and being so nice to everyone that you just blindside dumb people like my Dad!"
Randy,Yeah!
Gary Sr.,Well kids... Who's up for a water balloon fight?!
Kids,Yeah! All right!
Kyle,"Oh, hey Stan. Where's your best buddy, Gary?"
Stan,I'm not hanging around that kid anymore.
Cartman,Oh no! You guys broke up?
Stan,"You guys were right, okay? The new kid's a douche. Now I just gotta find a way to keep him away from me."
Gary,Hey Stan.
Stan,Oh brother.
Cartman,"Uh oh, the jilted lover returns."
Gary,"Listen, I just wanted to let you know you don't have to worry about me tryin' to be your friend anymore."
Stan,I don't?
Gary,"Look, maybe us Mormons do believe in crazy stories that make absolutely no sense, and maybe Joseph Smith did make it all up, but I have a great life. and a great family, and I have the Book of Mormon to thank for that. The truth is, I don't care if Joseph Smith made it all up, because what the church teaches now is loving your family, being nice and helping people. And even though people in this town might think that's stupid, I still choose to believe in it. All I ever did was try to be your friend, Stan, but you're so high and mighty you couldn't look past my religion and just be my friend back. You've got a lot of growing up to do, buddy. Suck my balls."
Cartman,"Damn, that kid is cool, huh?"
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, kids, can I have it quiet, please? M'kay? M'kay, quiet now, the assembly's about to start, m'kay. M'kay, quiet ple-mk-m'kay?  M'kay. Uh, now kids, we have a really fun motivational group today who are gonna talk to you about the dangers of smoking, m'kay? So please give a very big South Park Cows welcome to, ""Butt Out!"""
Butt Out!,"Butt out! Yeah yeah! Kids, that cigarette butt is gross!Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!"
Kyle,Oh no...
Butt Out!,Yeah! All right! Woohoo!!
Butt Out! Lady,"Hey students, how are we all feelin' today? Woooo!"
Butt Out! Man 1,"Hey, did you guys know that each year over six hundred thousand people a year die from smoking? A year!"
Butt Out! Man 2,Six hundred thousand?? Are you sure you're not just blowing smoke?
Butt Out! Lady,"Blow smoke? Us? No way! Because we don't need to smoke and neither do you, right kids? Butt out! Break it down!"
Butt Out!,Butt out! Yeah yeah! It's cool to say no!Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!
Butt Out! Man 3,"Smoking, no. No smoking."
Butt Out! Man 2,Freestyle!
Butt Out! Lady,Vernon!
Vernon,Don't smoke! Don't ever smoke!
Butt Out!,Kyle!
Butt Out!'s Kyle,"B to the U to the T to the T to the O to the U to the T to the C to the I to the G to the A to the R to the E to the T to the T to the E! Butt out, cigarette!"
Kyle,"Dude, this is unbearable."
Cartman,I'm going to kill myself.
Butt Out!,Randy!
Randy,"Smoke you know has got to go. You go, you got to know to say the ""no"" to the smoke, you go go..  ... you gotta get it!"
Butt Out!,Pam!
Pam,Dooooonttt smooooke.
Butt Out!,Woohoo!
Cartman,"You guys, Kenny's eating his own hands."
Butt Out!'s Kyle,"Hey! What's the big deal? I like smoking, and it makes me cool!"
Pam,"Ohoh, really?? Do you think lung cancer is cool, too??"
Randy,What about emphysema?? Is that cool??
Vernon,"And what about abortion, and AIDS?"
Randy,Pfft! That's none's the cool.
Pam,Word.
Vernon,Yeah. So butt out!
Butt Out!,Butt out! Yeah yeah! Give that cigarette butt a throw!
Stan,"Ugh, Jesus Christ!"
Butt Out!,Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!
Vernon,"Remember, kids, if you smoke, you could grow up to be a failure."
Pan,"Worse yet, you could grow up to be dead."
Butt Out!'s Kyle,So don't believe what those evil tobacco companies tell you!
Randy,"Yeah, because if you don't smoke, you can grow up to be-"
Butt Out!,Just Like Us.
Stan,"Give me a hit. Give me another one, give me another one."
Kyle,"Aw dude, this is really hard."
Cartman,"Oh shit, here comes Mr. Mackey."
Kyle,"Throw 'em away!  Dudes, here he comes. Guys, stop coughing."
Mr. Mackey,"Boys, what are you doing back here?  I asked you a question: What are you doing back here, 'k?!"
Cartman,Nothing.
Mr. Mackey,What??
Cartman,Nothin' Na- Due-nothing.
Kyle,D'awww sick!
Cartman,Gross dude!
Mr. Mackey,"Well hey, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you boys have been smoking!"
Cartman,"No... No, Mr. Mackey... We don't have any cigarettes."
Mr. Mackey,"Well you'd better not! Because let me tell you some'n' about smokin'!  Uh, smokin's bad, m'kay.  And uh, if you start smokin' at an early age, m'kay, ih it's gonna be bad.  M'kay, because uh, smoking can lead to all kinds of health problems like cancer.  M'kay, and let me tell you something about cancer, m'kay. Cancer's bad. M'kay, and uh, eh, what?  What the?  Holy shit! M'kay?!"
Mr. Slave,Oh! Jesus Christ!
Stan,...Whoops.
Principal Victoria,"Well, you boys have certainly done it this time!"
Cartman,We're sorry.
Principal Victoria,"Not as sorry as you're going to be when your parents get here! Ah, here they come now."
Kyle,Oh God...
Principal Victoria,Come on in.
Sharon,"Stanley, what did you do this time?!"
Principal Victoria,"You'd better brace yourself, parents. The boys were caught... smoking!"
Sheila,Smoking?
Sharon,"No, it can't be! My son is not a filthy smoker!"
Stan,"Mom...  Dad, it was just a-"
Randy,I don't have a son!
Liane,"Eric, you've done a lot of horrible things in your life, but smoking? You're grounded for three weeks!"
Cartman,Three weeks?! Are you fucking kidding me?
Gerald,Haven't you boys heard anything about how harmful smoking is to you and those around you?
Sheila,"Of course they haven't, because the tobacco companies have gotten to them first. This is really their fault"
Kyle,Yeah. This is really their fault.
Sheila,"No matter how much money the anti-smoking groups spend, the tobacco companies are there to fill our children's heads with lies and propaganda that make them wanna smoke."
Cartman,"Yeah, huh?  It-it's like the tobacco companies have control of my mind- No. Must. Fight it. Tobacco companies... making me want to smoke. Ah!"
Liane,"Oh my goodness, I had no idea.  Are you okay, sweetie?"
Randy,"Well, those God-damned tobacco companies aren't gonna have control over MY kid! I say we bring them down!"
Sheila,We need the help of the greatest anti-smoking celebrity that ever lived. Rob Reiner.
Kyle,Who's Rob Reiner?
Rob Reiner,"I don't understand it. I pushed a law for higher taxes on cigarettes, I lobbied to get images of cigarettes removed from movies and art, I forced smokers out of bars and parks, but still I get letters from parents saying their kids are doin' it.  Apparently, people still don't understand how bad smoking people is for them. Don't they know how dangerous it is to their health?  Don't they know the hazard of second-hand smoke?"
Executive 1,"According to the letter, sir, the town has a tobacco company quite near them."
Rob Reiner,"Yeah, that must be it.  The tobacco companies, with their millions of dollars and their slick desks and fancy buildings,  they're the ones making music wanna smoke!  They're the ones hurting our nation's health! I will not stand by and see the children of America corrupted by those bastards!  This is war!!"
Kyle,"You guys, maybe we should come clean right now and tell everyone that it wasn't the tobacco companies that made us want to smoke."
Stan,Hwat??
Cartman,"Why? It's perfect. If everyone's blaming the tobacco companies, then nobody's blaming us."
Stan,"Yeah, what's the problem?"
Kyle,"Well it's just that, eh, this seems like another one of those times when things are gonna get way out of hands, you know? It's been happening a lot lately. How about this time we just put a stop to it right now?"
Cartman,"Dumbass, you don't wanna be grounded for three weeks, do you?"
Stan,"Yeah, don't worry dude. Things aren't gonna get out of hand."
Mr. Garrison,Here he comes!
Rob Reiner,Damnit.  Butter!  Butter!
Mr. Garrison,What'd he say?
Rob Reiner,"Butter!!  Hello South Park!!  It is so nice to see an entire town come together to fight for good health! And I'm gonna help ya!  These poor innocent children have been seduced into smoking tobacco. So I say, ""We fight fire with fire!"" We're gonna use these children to bring the tobacco companies down!"
Kyle,Oh no...
Rob Reiner,"Alright kids, here's what we're gonna do.  We're gonna sneak you into the tobacco company by saying you kids want a tour for a school paper.  Once you're inside, mm, mm, I'm gonna take photos and then we'll publish them, saying that the tobacco company invited you over to seduce you into smoking. Got it?"
Cartman,Got it!
Kyle,"But... isn't that, kind of, lying?"
Rob Reiner,"Mm.  Uh, we're just leveling out the playing field.  The tobacco companies lie to you about the dangers of smoking. If we're gonna take them down, we've gotta lie right back!  Oh my God!  Excuse me!"
BUDS Man,Yes?
Rob Reiner,Would you mind putting that death stick out?!
BUDS Man,"But, uh, this is a bar."
Rob Reiner,Isn't smoking illegal in bars here?
Bartender,Not in Colorado
Rob Reiner,Oh my God! What kind of backward hick state is this?!
BUDS Man,"Look man, I work fourteen hours a day at the saw mill. I just got off work and I need to relax."
Rob Reiner,Well when I relax I just go to my vacation house in Hawaii!
BUDS Man,I ain't got a vacation house in Hawaii!
Rob Reiner,"Yuh your vacation house in Mexico, then, whatever it is! Look, you are putting my life and these boys' lives in danger by smoking that in here! And I'm not gonna tolerate it! I will end smoking in bars in Colorado! There will be no more smoking here!"
Cartman,"Isn't he awesome, you guys?"
Kyle,What??
Cartman,"Dude, he just goes around imposing his will on people. He's my idol."
Rob Reiner,"All right boys, just do what I tell ya and we'll be able to sue this tobacco company for two billion dollars!  As soon as we get into the main facility, I'll snap the photo of you kids, and we can all run out! Think you can handle it?"
Cartman,"Handle it? For two billion dollars I'd handle my grandpa's balls, sir."
Rob Reiner,"Heh, great.  Okay, now watch yourselves, kids. These tobacco company people will do anything to get you hooked on smoking. They are liars and they are frauds!"
Receptionist,Can I help you?
Rob Reiner,Yes. My name is Rita Poon. I called about my boys wanting a tour.
Executive,"Ah, yes, Mrs. Poon. My name's Kevin Harris and I'm the vice president of Big Tobacco."
Rob Reiner,"Oh. Hello, Mr. Harris."
Kevin Harris,"Well, come on in.  How about a little history first?  Native Americans were the first to cultivate the tobacco plant. They smoked it in pipes for medicinal and ceremonial purposes."
Rob Reiner,"Not if I were around, they wouldn't have."
Kevin Harris,Excuse me?
Rob Reiner,"Oh, nothing! Please continue."
Kevin Harris,The first successful commercial crop of tobacco was cultivated in Virginia in 1612.  Within seven years it was one of the country's largest exports.
Kyle,"So, tobacco helped to build America."
Kevin Harris,That's right. Over the next few centuries the tobacco business was so great that many slaves were brought from Africa to help work the fields.
Cartman,"Which means, if it weren't for tobacco, many of our black friends wouldn't be here today."
Kevin Harris,"And so for centuries, tobacco production flourished. Nobody was even aware of any dangers back then, until, in 1965,  when Congress passed an act forcing all tobacco companies to put the Surgeon General's warning on their packages. So now, everyone knows the dangers of smoking. And some people still choose to do it, and we believe that's what being an American is all about."
Kyle,That sound perfectly reasonable.
Kevin Harris,And here's our factory at work.
Factory workers,With a hidey lidey lidey and a hidey lidey layWe work and we make cigarettes all hidey lidey daySo folks can get a breaky from their stressful lidey livesAnd relaxy with the cigarettes we make all day and night
Young Worker,I like to have a cigarette every now and then It makes me fee-l calmer when the day is at an end.
Older Worker,And if it gives me cancer when I'm eighty I don't careWho the hell wants to be ninety anyway?
Factory workers,So with a hidey lidey lidey and a hidey lidey layWe work and we make cigarettes all hidey lidey daySo folks can get a breaky from their stressful lidey livesAnd relaxy with the cigarettes we make all day and night
Kevin Harris,"Well, I guess that's the end of our tour."
Rob Reiner,"Oh, here boys. Let me get your picture.  Got it! Ha! You bastards are going down now!"
Kevin Harris,What??
Rob Reiner,"I'm not Rita Poon! I'm Rob Reiner!  And you've just been Reinered! Come on boys, let's make our escape!  Don't you try and stop us!"
Kevin Harris,Oh my God!
Rob Reiner,"Hoh boy, that was great, kids."
Stan,Those people at the tobacco company all seem really nice.
Rob Reiner,"Hah, you see that? They got into your head. Now you kids can meet some good, decent people, the folks who work to get smoking banned!"
Rob Reiner,"This is how we get rid of smokers.  We go state to state and do things like, use bogus studies and make extensive commercials to get the public on our side and force cigarette smokers to stop!"
Cartman,"Wow. It's like, it's like, smoking brings a lot of people just a little bit of joy and, and you get to take that away from them.  You are so awesome."
Rob Reiner,"Here you go Bob.  This is Mr. Baffrey. He does all our Photoshop work.  Now, all we have to do is Photoshop cigarettes into your hands!  And bingo! When this hits the papers the tobacco company is screwed! Hahahaha!"
Kyle,"But dude, you're making stuff up."
Rob Reiner,"You kids need to understand something, okay? Sometimes lying is okay. Like, when you know what's good for people more than they do."
Cartman,"Oh my God, that is what I've always said.  I love this guy!"
Worker,"Mr. Reiner, your bill to have smoking outlawed at bars here didn't pass."
Rob Reiner,"What?!  God-damnit, what the hell is wrong with people in this state?!"
Worker,"Apparently, several people here still believe there's no proof second-hand smoke can kill you."
Rob Reiner,"Well they want proof?! All right, we'll give them proof! Boys, I need one of you to act in a commercial for us! We'll shoot it tomorrow!"
Cartman,"Wow, a commercial?"
Rob Reiner,"And you boys decide which one of you will be best for the part. All right people, we've gotta get moving on the bill to ban smoking in Potsdam! Let's go!"
Cartman,"God, he's just the best!  Mr. Reiner, can I get you a muffin? O-or a cold drink, perhaps?"
Kyle,"Guys, I think we should bail out of this right now!"
Stan,Huh?
Kyle,"This is just startin' to look like another one of those times where it-it's gonna end up with the whole town turning out, it's a big showdown happening, and us havin' to talk about what we learned, and I say we just stop right now, and go play cards or something."
Kenny,"(Well yep, that's what I think.)"
Stan,"Yeah, maybe you're right."
Cartman,"So, heh gentlemen, looks like only one of us gets to be in the commercial, huh? Who will it be...? Gentlemen, the game is on!"
Kyle,Go ahead. We don't wanna be in their stupid commercial.
Cartman,"Huh? Oh, I get it, Kyle. That's your Serbian Jew double bluff. Make me think you don't care about being in the commercial so that maybe I won't either. Ooops. didn't work, did it, Kyle?"
Kyle,"No, we really want nothing more to do with these people."
Cartman,"Sure you don't, Kyle. Oh, and neither do I. Oh, I know what you're gonna say next. You're gonna say, ""How about none of us show up tomorrow to do it?"" And then I'm supposed to agree so that tomorrow you can waltz in all by yourself and do the commercial. That's Serbian Jew double bluff and it ain't  gonna  work  on  me  ha  ha  ha . Only one of us can be in the commercial, gentlemen. The game... is on."
Cartman,"Sorry Kyle, but I'm afraid only one of us will be showing up to do the commercial tomorrow! Hahahaha! Thought you had me with your Serbian Jew double bluff, didn't you?! Well let's see you try to open this door now.  Hahahahaha! Haa haa hahahahahaha! Haa haa haha-"
Kyle,What are you doing?
Cartman,"Oh... Hello, Kyle. Oh man.  Wait, this isn't my house."
Kyle,"Cartman, you go ahead and do the commercial tomorrow. But I'm warning you, those anti-smoking people are liars and they're bullies who will stop at nothing to get what they want, and that means they're dangerous."
Cartman,"Hahahahahaha!  Nice try, Kyle! Let's see you try to get through the door now! Haa haa hahahahaha!"
Rob Reiner,"Okay Eric, this is going to be real simple. All you gotta do is read the words on the TelePrompTer here."
Cartman,"Heh, ho-okay."
Rob Reiner,"Let's see how the tobacco companies deal with this.  All right, roll camera. Roll the TelePrompTer. And whenever you're ready, Eric."
Cartman,"Heh, okay, okay.  You know, some people say there's no proof that second-hand smoke kills. The tobacco companies say there's no proof that second-hand smoke kills. I've just been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. I guess... I'm the proof. The next time you want to believe that second-hand smoke doesn't kill, think about me. Because, by the time you see this commercial, I'll be... dead.  Dead??"
Rob Reiner,"And cut! Great! We got it! Wrap it up, people. That was fantastic."
Cartman,"Uh what... what does that mean, ""I'll be dead""? Hey, uh what, what was that ""dead"" part?"
Scary Assistant,"That was very good, Eric. Here, eat this cupcake."
Cartman,"Uh, nnno, thanks. I'm not hungry."
Scary Assistant,But you are. Just eat this one cupcake. It has... sprinkles.
Cartman,I'm not eating the cupcake.
Rob Reiner,"Eric, do you know what a hero is? A hero is somebody who sacrifices himself for the good of others. You can be a hero, Eric. All you have to do... is eat the cupcake."
Cartman,Jesus Christ! HAAAA!
Rob Reiner,Hey!
Stan,"What are you doing, Cartman?"
Cartman,They're going to kill me!
Kyle,Who's going to kill you?
Cartman,The anti-smoking people! They had me say I died from second-hand smoke and... now they want to sacrifice me to make it look real! They'll stop at nothing!!
Stan,"Well, get away from us then."
Kyle,"Yeah dude, don't get us killed too."
Cartman,You guys have to help me!
Kyle,"No dude, get away!"
Cartman,"Please, you guys, I don't know what to do!"
Stan,"Stop it, Cartman! Go die on your own!"
Cartman,"If I go, you guys go!"
Stan,Daaaad!
Randy,What?
Stan,Anti-smoking people are trying to kill Cartman and he won't stay away from us.
Randy,"Don't be ridiculous, boys. The anti-smoking people are kind, caring, and intelligent. Your heads have just been corrupted by the lies of the big tobacco companies."
Cartman,"Hey, maybe that's it, you guys. Maybe the tobacco company can help us!"
Stan,"Help you, fatass! We weren't in the commercial, remember?"
Kyle,Yeah! Go to the tobacco company yourself!
Cartman,"Well that's fine. I thought you guys were my friends, but I guess I was wrong!"
Kyle,Yeah dude. You were totally wrong.
Kenny,(Uh huh.)
Cartman,"You guys, I am seriously gettin' pissed off heh! Now come on, we're goin' to the tobacco company."
Stan,Oh all right.
Kyle,No! What we really should do is go to our parents right now and take responsibility for smoking ourselves. Even if it means getting grounded.
Stan,Why?
Kyle,"Because, if we go to the tobacco company, I know exactly what'll happen. They'll take us in, and then Rob Reiner will show up with all the townspeople, holding torches or something, and there'll be a big showdown until we talk about what we learned, and change everyone's minds - this is all following a formula!"
Stan,"So it's either deal with all that, or be grounded for three weeks."
Kyle,God-damnit!
Rob Reiner,Give us the child!
Kevin Harris,We will not!
Rob Reiner,"There, you see that?! The tobacco company won't give us the kid! And do you know why?! Because they know that if they give us that kid, then we'll kill him! And when our commercial goes on the air, it will lose them business!"
Townspeople,"Yeah! Yeah, that's right!"
Mr. Mackey,"Wait a minute, what?"
Rob Reiner,"Yeah. When we kill the kid, people are gonna think it's because of second-hand smoke! And then these bastards are all gonna make money, and they know it!"
Randy,Wha- what the hell is wrong with you? That's not right.
Rob Reiner,"Oh, God-damnit, do I have to explain this again?! Smoking is bad, people! So if we have to be a little extreme to stop it, it's okay!"
Kyle,"No it isn't, you fat turd! Because, I've learned something today. You just hate-  See, I knew it."
Stan,Yup.
Kyle,"You just hate smoking, so you use all your money and power to force others to think like you. And that's called fascism, you tubby asshole!"
Rob Reiner,GOD-DAMNIT THERE'LL BE NO MORE SMOKING!!
Stan,"It wasn't the tobacco companies' fault that we smoked. It was our fault, us! We should all take personal responsibility instead of letting fat fascists like him tell us what to do!"
Mr. Mackey,"You're right, boys, m'kay?"
BUDS Man,Yeah. Let smokers smoke.
Townspeople,Yeah!!
Mr. Garrison,"Hey Mr. Reiner, why don't you Butt Out!"
Rob Reiner,I'm warning you: don't mess with anti-smoking groups!
Cartman,"I don't idolize you anymore, asshole!"
Rob Reiner,My goo! My precious goo!
Sheila,"So Kyle, it wasn't the tobacco company that made you wanna smoke?"
Kyle,No.
Sheila,"Well then, you are grounded, mister!"
Liane,"You too, Eric."
Cartman,Aw awww!
Stan,"Well, I guess we learned our lesson."
Kyle,"No we didn't, dude! No we didn't!"
Stan,"All right, you guys, it's first down. I'll hike the ball on the third ""set hut!"" Kyle and Cartman, go deep post out. Kenny, run a slant down the middle. Butters, be ready for the screen."
Cartman,Right. What are we playing again?
Stan,Football.
Cartman,Got it.
Stan,"Okay. 23!  Blue, 23! Set hut! Set hut!"
Bebe,Wendy breaks up.
Stan,What?
Bebe,Wendy breaks up with you.
Stan,"Oh whoa, wait a minute.  What did I do wrong? I haven't even talked to Wendy for weeks."
Bebe,She just doesn't wanna be with you anymore. She said she still wants to be friends.
Cartman,"What-ever, Bebe! Like Stan really cares! Just get out of our football game, you stupid skank!"
Bebe,"Fuck you, fatass! You guys are assholes!"
Butters,"Oh yeah? Well, at least we have assholes, you dumb girl!"
Cartman,"Yeh-heah, right!"
Bebe,"God, you're so stupid!"
Cartman,What a whore!
Kyle,Yeah! Like Stan gives a crap if Wendy breaks up!  Stan?
Cartman,"Come on, Stan, it's first down still."
Stan,"Kyle, will you talk to Wendy for me?"
Kyle,Why?
Stan,'Cause I need to know why she broke up.
Kyle,"Aw, dude, come on. I gotta do my science homework."
Stan,"Dude, please. I might still have a chance to make things work. Please, just go talk to her?"
Kyle,"God damn it!  Wendy, Stan wants to know why you break up."
Wendy,"Look, Stan is really nice. I just don't wanna be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. I've been wanting to break up for a while. but it's, it's nothing against him."
Kyle,"'K.  She says she's been wantin' to break up for a while, and it's nothing against you."
Stan,What? That's no answer!  Go tell her to be more direct with me.
Kyle,"No dude, I'm out. Go talk to her yourself. Be poetic."
Stan,"Kyle, this is my life.  Jimmy!"
Jimmy,Hey Stan.
Stan,"Jimmy, will you go talk to Wendy for me?"
Jimmy,For- Forw- Forw-w-w what?
Stan,"Just go talk to her an, and be poetic. Tell her she's my Muse-no! Tell her,  tell her...  she's a con-tinuing source of inspiration to me."
Jimmy,She's what?
Stan,She's a continuing source of inspiration to me.
Jimmy,"...Okay.  Hey uh-Wen, hey wu-Wendy."
Wendy,Yeah?
Jimmy,Stan says you're a cont... you're a- cont- S-Stan says you're a cont- cont-
Wendy,Well tell Stan to fuck off!!
Stan,Well?
Jimmy,"She just- w-walked away, Stan. You're gonna have to face facts. It's over."
Stan,Over?  Jesus...
Butters,"We came over to cheer you up, Stan!"
Stan,...Go away.
Kyle,"Stan, you can't keep doing this to yourself. You have to go live."
Stan,Why? What's the point of living when the only girl I ever loved is gone?
Cartman,"God, what a fag!"
Kyle,"Dude, not now!"
Stan,"You guys have no idea how this feels. It's like, you always hear songs about a broken heart and you think it's just a figure of speech? But it's true. My chest hurts. I feel this like, sinking feeling where my heart is. It's broken..."
Kyle,"Jeez, he's worse than I thought."
Butters,Well what do we do now?
Jimmy,Should I try telling him a fa-fantastic joke?
Kyle,No. We just have to show him that there's other girls out there. I say we take him to Raisins.
Butters,What's Raisins?
Blonde,"Hey guys, welcome to Raisins. Six of you?  Right over here."
Redhead,So you guys having a good time today?
Diners,Uh huh...
Blonde 2,"How about some more fun fries, guys?"
Diners,Okay...
Brunette,"Boy, am I glad you guys came in. Everyone here is such a loser, but you guys seem really cool."
Blonde,"Here you go, guys. Lexus will be right with you."
Kyle,"What do you think, Stan. These girls are pretty cute, huh?"
Jimmy,"Jesus Christ, I think I've died and... gone to... heaven."
Butters,This place is awesome!
Cartman,How do you know? We haven't even tried the food yet.
Lexus,Hey guys.
Butters,Whoa!
Lexus,How are we doing this afternoon?
The Boys,Good.
Lexus,"I'm so glad you guys came in. Everyone here is such a loser, but you guys seem really cool."
Butters,W-we are.
Lexus,So what can I get you?
Cartman,"Okay, um, we're gonna get the zingy tangy wings, and mozzarella tasty tarts  and uh, OH, and the bite-size pizzazzas, and a pitcher of lemonade."
Lexus,Great. I'll put your order in right now.
Butters,"You guys! I think our Raisins girl likes me. She, she touched my back when she walked away. Did you see that?"
Lexus,"Raisins, girls!"
Blonde 3,Woohoo!
Redhead,Oh Yeah!
Brunette 2,Do it!
Kyle,"Hey. Hey, look over there, Stan. That Raisins girl is really cute, huh?  Why don't you say hi to her?  Excuse me?"
Brunette 3,Hi guys. My name's Porsche.
Kyle,"Hey. Uh, this is Stan."
Porsche,"Oh hey cutie. How are you? I love your hat. I used to have a hat juuust like that, except, it was black and it didn't have a puffball on it. Oh my God, my hands are sooo cold. How come people have hands, anyway? Did you ever wonder that?"
Raisins Girls,YMCA...  YMCA-A.
Cartman,Omigod! You guys... this is the greatest place in the world...
Porsche,"Have you ever noticed how much sand there is at the beach? I mean, haven't you ever wondered where all this sand came from? Omigod, this one time, I saw a beetle that was thiiis big. Eeewww!"
Stan,"Can we go, please?"
Kyle,"Okay. Okay, come on you guys."
Porsche,"Oooh my God, thank you guys sooo much for coming to Raisins!"
Lexus,"Oooh, sweetie, are you leaving?"
Butters,"Well, I don't want to, Lexus, but my stupid friends wanna go."
Lexus,"Awww, well, when am I gonna get to see you again??"
Butters,When do you wanna see me?
Lexus,As soon as possible!
Butters,"Oh my God! Here, we left you a tip already, but here is another five dollars."
Lexus,"Oooh, you are such a sweetie. Come here, youuu!"
Butters,Waa... ahaaah...
Raisins Girl,"Bye, guys! Thanks for coming to Raisins!"
Jimmy,"Well, Stan. Do you feel, uhb- better now?"
Stan,"No, dude, I feel worse!"
Kyle,"Look, we're just trying to show you there's other girls out there."
Stan,"Dude, I don't have time to start over with other girls. I'm nine years old, dude! If I don't work things out with Wendy, I could be alone my whole life!"
Butters,She wants to see me again! My Raisins girl said she wants to see me again!
Stan,I can't let Wendy go. This whole time I've been having my friends do all the talking for me. It's time I took control!
Kyle,What are you doing?
Stan,Something I should have done a long time ago.
Stan,"Bebe, you need to go talk to Wendy for me right now!  All this time I've been trying to have my friends do all the talking for me! Now I realize I need her friends to do it! Tell her I love her!"
Bebe,"Stan, why don't you show her you love her? If you really want Wendy back, try doing the most romantic thing you can think of."
Stan,"Okay, so what's the most romantic thing I can think of?"
Bebe,"If you really want a shot at getting her back, stand outside her window, hold a boombox over your head, and play  Peter Gabriel."
Lexus,"Okay, Porsche, see you tomorrow. Bye, Mercedes."
Butters,Lexus!
Lexus,"Uh oh. Uh, hi, sweetie."
Butters,I waited all night for you to get off work.
Lexus,"Oh, really?  Huhunh, that's great. Uhm, Maury..."
Butters,I I just could- I just couldn't stop thinking about you.
Maury,There a problem?
Lexus,Could you uh just help walk me to my- bike?
Maury,Right.
Lexus,"Thanks again for the big tip. You are such a sweetie. Come back and see me real soon, okay?"
Butters,"Oh wait, Lexus. Jeheez, I almost forgot. Ah I got you this present."
Lexus,"Oh wow. Thanks, cutie."
Butters,It's a little stuffed bear dressed as a rabbit.
Lexus,"Gosh, that's the nicest gift I've gotten all night. Thank you.  Well I gotta go, honey. Be sure to come back to Raisins and see me again, okaaay?"
Butters,"Well yeah, but, but, hey,  hey Lexus? Well I was thinking, well, I was thinking that we should- go do something sometime."
Lexus,"Oh gee, that would be great, honey, but I'm reeeally busy this week. Tell you what: you come back to Raisins and then we'll be able to hang out all we want, okay?"
Butters,O-kay!
Lexus,"Bye, cutie!"
Butters,"Bye, bye darling!  Wow... a real-life relationship."
Mr. Garrison,"All right, kids! Out on the gym floor for P.E. class."
Kyle,"Come on, Stan. We're gonna play dodgeball."
Stan,I can't believe it. She's in love with somebody else.
Kyle,"Dude, you need to snap out of this! So Wendy left you for Token. What are you gonna do? Just be miserable your whole life?"
Stan,There's nothing else I can do. She was my whole life.
Kyle,"Aw, come on, dude! All you've done for the last four days is mope around! You might as well hang out with those Goth kids who dress in black and talk about pain all the time!"
Stan,Maybe I should. At least they will understand me. Maybe I should hang with the Goth kids.
Pete,"Life is pain. Life is only pain.  We're all taught to believe in happy fairytale endings.  But there's only blackness. Dark, depressing loneliness that  eats at your soul."
Michael,"Who needs that kind of Barbie love, anyway? Everyone's just walking around like a bunch of conformists. Go ahead and wear your business suits so you can make thirty-four thousand dollars a year to buy your condominium. They're all zombies racing to their graves. Love didn't work for my mom and dad. Why should it work for me?"
Henrietta,My dad is such an asshole. Drunken bastard doesn't even know I exist. But then he won't let me go to the Skinny Puppy concert because my heroine-addict aunt is coming over for dinner.  Dinner? That's a laugh. Just an excuse for my mom to bitch at me for not wearing girly clothes like all the Britney Spears wannabes at this school.
Firkle,They're all a bunch of Nazi conformists cheerleaders.
Stan,"But if life is only pain, then... what's the point of living?"
Pete,Just to make life more miserable for the conformists.
Stan,"All right, so how do I join you?"
Michael,"If you wanna be one of the non-conformists, all you have to do is dress just like us and listen to the same music we do."
Stan,...'K.
Mercedes,"Okay, I know it's your first day, Ferrari, so I wanna go over the basics with you."
Ferrari,Okay.
Mercedes,"First of all, there's a five foot rule. If you come within five feet of a customer, you need to acknowledge them, even if they're not at your table. ""Hey,  cutie.""  When you're not serving food or talking with customers, you need to dance around and have fun.  We use things like Hula Hoops, silly strings, and water guns to play with the other girls. Be sure to giggle a lot, and be sure to show off your raisins.  Now, when you take a customer's order, you need to sit down at the table with them and make them think you're interested. Write your name down for them and make them feel special. ""Oh man, I am so bored. Thank God you guys came in."" If you want good tips, the most important thing is physical contact. Just a simple hold of the arm can mean the difference between five and twenty dollars. ""I'll be right back with your order, guys."""
Ferrari,"Wow, thank you so much, Mercedes."
Mercedes,"Okay. Well, I guess we're ready to open for business. Good luck.  Go ahead and open for business, Porsche!"
Porsche,Okay!
Raisins Girl,"Hi, welcome to Raisins!"
Butters,Hi! Is Lexus here?
Lexus,"Hey, cutie."
Butters,Darling!
Lexus,How are we doing today?
Butters,Oh God. I missed you so much.
Henrietta,"Shallow life.Drowning alone, I gasp for air.Coldness creeps over pale skin.There is sadness so deep it pulls me downHappiness dies in a deep, dark sea."
Pete,"Yeah, happiness dies."
Stan,Yeah.
Michael,"All right, your turn, Stan. Read one of your poems about pain."
Stan,"There is darkness all around meDeep, piercing black, I cannot breatheMy heart has been raped."
Henrietta,Whoa.
Stan,"The pain is everlasting.I miss you so much, babe.Want to hold you in my arms again, girl.Want to-"
Pete,"Whoa, whoa! Dude! Those last two lines aren't Goth!"
Stan,They're not?
Michael,"No, dude! You can't say ""I miss you so much, babe. I want to hold you in my arms."""
Henrietta,"Make it ""I miss seeing you so much I wanna slash my eyes out with razor blades."""
Henrietta's Mom,Henrietta! Hi sweetie!
Henrietta,Go away Mom! Leave me alone!
Henrietta's Mom,Daddy and I just got your birthday present! But you can't see what it is till tomorrow!
Henrietta,"You'd like to wait till I was dead, wouldn't you? You'd like to see maggots eat my face."
Henrietta's Mom,"Ee-you are so creative, honey."
Henrietta,Conformist bitch.
Other Goths,Yeah.
Porsche,Thanks for calling Raisins. This is Porsche. Have you tried our Double Whammy Wings?
Butters,"Hi. Is Lexus there, please? This is her boyfriend."
Lexus,Thanks for calling Raisins. This is Lexus.
Butters,Hey Lexus.
Lexus,"Hi, sweetie! Who's this?"
Butters,"Wuh it's me, Butters."
Lexus,"Oh, okay. Hi, cutie.  Hey sweetie.  So how are you, honey?"
Butters,"I'm fine. I miss you though.  Yeah, school was pretty tough today. We had two quizzes, and one of them was a pop quiz.  Sometimes I think our classes are too hard.  But I thought about you all day long. I promise. So how is your day going?"
Lexus,"Good, good."
Butters,"Hey, hey sweetie, I was thinking tonight you could come over and we could watch The Exorcist on DVD."
Lexus,"Oh, gee, I don't know, cutie.  Why don't you just come down to Raisins?"
Butters,"Oh well, uh I kinda don't have any money left. Unh, I spent it all on Raisins the last six times."
Lexus,"Awww, that's too bad, cutie. I really wanna see you."
Butters,"Oh, I really wanna see you too, baby. Eh don't, don't worry. I'll get more money"
Lexus,'K sugar. Gotta run.
Butters,"Uh-okay. Uh, hey, Lexus, well, there's something I've been meaning to say.  Here it goes: Lexus, I- Oh jeeze, maybe I shouldn't say it- no wait, I want to say it. I love you.  Heeheee, heh, Oh my God."
Butters,"Dad, I need an advance on my allowance again."
Stephen,O-hoo no Butters! You got an advance two days ago.
Butters,Uh but I spent it all.
Linda,"What are you spending all that money on, Butters?"
Butters,On my girlfriend.
Stephen,Girlfriend?
Linda,"You... have a girlfriend, Butters?"
Butters,Yeah.
Chris,"And she's... a... girl, right?"
Butters,Yup!
Chris,"Well all right! Good for you, Butters!"
Linda,"Oh, that is so cute. When do we get to meet her?"
Butters,"Well, I was hopin' to go see her right now. You can come alone.  But don't embarrass me or nothin'.  I'm sure she'll be real nervous to impress you."
Stephen,"Don't worry, Butters. We just wanna say hi and then we'll leave you two alone."
Butters,Okay.
Stephen,You see? I told you he wouldn't turn out gay.
Linda,"All right, you win."
Michael,"Hey, can we get more coffee over here?"
Waitress,"Damn it, are you kids just gonna sit here all night again and drink six dollars' work of coffee?! Why don't you get a life?!"
Michael,"Conformist. Have fun in your rat-race life, living paycheck to paycheck for corporate gains."
Other Goths,Yeah.
Pete,"Dude, you haven't drank your coffee."
Stan,Well I don't drink coffee.
Pete,You can't be a non-conformist if you don't drink coffee.
Kyle,"Oh Jesus Christ, I had to see it to believe it! What the hell are you doing?!"
Stan,Breathing deep in darkness that envelops my soul.
Kyle,"God-damnit dude, your mom and dad want you to come home!"
Stan,So they can fill my head with more Disney lies about how perfect the world is? I don't think so.
Pete,"Yeah. Why don't you just go back to your Justin Timberlake and your homework, you conformist asshole?  You just don't know what real pain is."
Kyle,"Oh, like you know what pain is! Go try living in a Third-World country, you little pussy!"
Pete,I'm not gonna live in a Third-World country with all the conformists.
Kyle,"Stan, this is it. Time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and come home! Everyone cares about you and everyone wants you back!"
Stan,What about Wendy? Isn't she still with Token?
Kyle,Yeah. She is.
Stan,Then people shouldn't care about me-ehhh. Because I don't care about them. What's the point of caring if all it brings is pain?
Henrietta,For sure.
Kyle,Fine. That's it. I give up. Have fun being miserable.
Stan,...conformist.
Other Goths,Yeah.
Butters,"Here we are, Mom and Dad!"
Mercedes,"Hi, welcome to Raisins. Three of you?"
Butters,"Hi, Mercedes. It's me, Lexus's boyfriend. I brought my parents over to meet her."
Mercedes,Great.  Be sure to try our Cheddar Poppers. Right this way.
Raisins Girl,Who else wants a signed Raisins Girls calendar for five dollars?
Diners,"Woohoo, all right, yeah!"
Linda,"Stephen, what is this place?"
Stephen,"I, don't know."
Mercedes,Here you go. Porsche will by right with you.
Butters,"Go ahead and have a seat, guys. Ah I've gotta go and find Lexus!"
Raisins Girl,"Hey cutie, you having a good time?"
Boy,Yeah.
Stephen,"Oh boy, I think I know what's happened. Our son hasn't learned yet that girls will pretend to like him for money."
Linda,This place is horrible. To objectify girls like this.
Porsche,Hi guys. Can I take your order?
Linda,"Little girl, you shouldn't be working here."
Porsche,I shouldn't? Where I supposed to be working?
Linda,"No, I mean you shouldn't work somewhere where you're paid for how you look. You should be learning a skill so you can grow up to be a businesswoman or even a doctor. Who knows? You could cure cancer."
Porsche,I could cure cancer? Omigod! That would be sooo cool! I had a cancer sore on my lip once and it hurt sooo bad.
Linda,"... Oh. Never mind, I think Raisins might be the perfect place for you."
Porsche,Cool!
Butters,Mom? Dad? This is Lexus.
Lexus,Hi. Welcome to Raisins.
Stephen,"Uh, Butters, can we have a little talk with you? Outside?"
Butters,Huh? Oh anything you have to say to me  you can say in front of Lexus.
Linda,"Butters, these girls pretend to be interested in you because they know you'll give them tips."
Butters,Huh?
Stephen,"You see, Butters, women know that they can make men do anything by flirting. And some girls, like these, turn that into a profession."
Butters,"Oh, I see.  You don't approve of my girlfriend!  Well let me tell you somethin', Mom and Dad, our love is as pure as a mountain spring! The odds may be stacked against us, but we're gonna give it our best shot! And so, if you can't be happy for us, y-you can just go to heck, Mom and Dad!  Come on, Lexus. I'm movin' out of my parents' house and I'm movin' in with you. Uh let's blow this joint!"
Lexus,"What are you talking about, kid? We are NOT boyfriend and girlfriend."
Butters,"... What? Lexus, what are you saying? Are you saying... you don't want to be together anymore?"
Lexus,"I'm sorry, sweetie."
Butters,So that's it? We're broken up now?
Lexus,I gotta get these curly fries to Table 12.
Butters,Well go ahead and go. It's best we don't say anything more. There's nothing left to say. It's over.  Our relationship is o-over.
Goth Voice,"Look at this. Another tortured soul. Another life of pain.  Hey Raven, check it out."
Stan,Butters?
Butters,"Oh  Uh hey, hey Stan."
Stan,What's the matter with you?
Butters,"Well, mu mu mu girlfriend broke up with me."
Henrietta,Did she step on your heart with stiletto heels?
Butters,Yeah.  It sure does hurt.
Michael,That's cool. I guess you can join up with us if you want.
Pete,Yeah. We're gonna go to the graveyard and write poems about death and how pointless life is.
Butters,"Uh, uhm no thanks. I I love life."
Stan,Huh? But you just got dumped
Butters,"Wuh-ell yeah, and I'm sad, but at the same time I'm really happy that somethin' could make me feel that sad. It's like,  it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin' really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I'm feelin' is like a, beautiful sadness. I guess that sounds stupid..."
Pete,Yeah.
Stan,"No. No, Butters, that doesn't sound stupid at all."
Butters,"Well, thanks for offerin' to let me in your clique, guys, uh but, to be honest, I'd rather be a cryin' little pussy than a faggy Goth kid. Well see ya, Stan."
Stan,"He's right. I don't even know who I am anymore. I like liking life a whole lot more than hating it. Screw you guys, I'm goin' home."
Michael,Go ahead and go back to your sunshine fairytale!
Kyle,"Okay, it's third down. And now, somebody make a play!"
Stan,"Hey, can I join in?"
Kyle,What happened? Aren't you still wallowing in pain?
Stan,"Yeah, it still hurts a lot, but ...I just realized that there's gonna be a lot of painful times in life, so, I'd better learn to deal with it the right way.  Hey Wendy!  You're a bitch. Token?  Right here, buddy."
Kyle,"Well. Dude, it's uh it's good to have you back."
Stan,Yeah. Let's play ball.
The Broflovskis,"Chanukah, Chanukah, sivivon, sov, sov"
Ike,I gotta go tinkle.
Kyle,No Ike! Shh!
The Broflovskis,"Sov, sov, sov! Sov, sov, sov! Ma nayim vi-tov."
Gerald,"We thank God for our blessings this Chanukah. Our little family is so loving, and perfect, and nothing will ever tear us apart.  I'll get it."
Man,Gerald Broflovski?
Gerald,Yes?
Man,My name is Harry Gints and this is my wife Elise. We're from Canada.
Gerald,"Yes, I can tell."
Harry,"My wife and I had a child a few years back, and, we weren't ready to have a child, so we put him up for adoption.  We were told that you might be the-"
Elise,"Peter!  Oh God, Harry! It's our son!  Peter, it's Mommy."
Sheila,"Gerald, what the hell is going on?"
Gerald,I I'm not sure.
Harry,It was a tough time for us. It was a tough time for all of Canada. The whole country was devastated by the cola wars. It just seemed we couldn't take care of a baby.
Elise,"So we put him up for adoption. But as the years passed, I, I just felt an emptiness in my heart.  Oh it's so good to see him."
Sheila,"Well we wish you all the best, Mr. and Mrs. Gints, but to be honest, I think it would be best for Ike if you didn't come around again."
Elise,"I don't think you understand. We didn't come to visit Peter, we came to take him back."
Gerald,What?
Harry,"We want to take Peter home, to Canada."
Sheila,Are you crazy?!
Gerald,"Look, you gave Ike up. You can't just change your mind."
Harry,"Changing your mind is a Canadian custom that we hold quite dear. And besides, the new Canadian Prime Minister has issued a decree that all adopted Canadians must be returned home."
Sheila,The new Canadian Prime Minister?
Gerald,"Look, Ike is our son now!"
Harry,He doesn't belong here. He belongs in Canada with his own kind.
Sheila,I think you'd better leave.
Harry,"Please, don't make things any harder for Peter."
Gerald,"Harder for Peter?! Now you two just blow in here and say you're gonna haul him back to Canada, and we're being hard on Peter?!"
Harry,We're prepared to go to court! We had hoped it wouldn't come to that!
Gerald,Well you bet your ass it'll come to that!
Judge,I'm sorry to say that my hands are tied. The new Prime Minister of Canada has authority this court cannot override. By Canadian law I must award custody of the child to his birth parents.
The Gintses,Yes!
Elise,Yes!
Sheila,No!
Kyle,Ike's not my little brother anymore?
Sheila,"Gerald, do something!"
Gerald,There's nothing I can do.
Gerald,"Good-bye, Ike. You...  be a good bye, huh? You... remember all the things we taught you."
Kyle,"Ike, you'll always be my little brother, okay?"
Harry,"Come on, Peter, we should get going."
Ike,No!
Elise,"Peter, you must come with Mommy and Daddy."
Ike,No no no no no!
Harry,I have some chocolate.
Ike,Chocolate!
Harry,We're going to take good care of him.
Kyle,"You'd better!  Dad, can't we talk to this new Canadian Prime Minister? Iif he knew the situation, he might e-"
Gerald,"Oh! Kyle, appealing to the Prime Minister of Canada would take... time and money we don't have."
Cartman,"Dude, look at that. Sprinkle Time Make Your Own Marshmallow Factory. I'm definitely asking for that for Christmas."
Stan,"Dude, I'm gonna tell my parents to get me that John Elway doll with the karate-chop action."
Kyle,"Guys.  Guys, I need your help."
Stan,Sure dude.
Kyle,"It's been a week since Ike's been gone, and every day my parents seem worse. I have to try to go to Canada and speak with the new Canadian Prime Minister, but I can't do it alone."
Cartman,"We can't go to Canada, dumbass! It's Christmas!"
Stan,"Yeah, dude. What if we miss out on some great Christmas adventure?"
Kyle,"Please, you guys, you don't understand.  My family is devastated. My mom just walks around the house like a zombie, and my dad can't stop crying."
Cartman,"Well, I didn't wanna say anything, Kyle, but I think this is what your family gets for being Jewish at Christmastime."
Stan,"Dude, Cartman."
Cartman,"I'm just saying, maybe Jesus is having a little revenge, that's all."
Kyle,"I found the number for a really cheap airline to Canada. If we go as soon as possible, then-"
Stan,"Dude, we just can't up and go to Canada. Look, they're about to light the Christmas tree. Maybe you can get your brother back some other way."
Cartman,"Kyle, I just want you to know, if it were any other time of the year, I still wouldn't help you."
Crowd,Three! Two! One!  Yaaaaay!
Mayor McDaniels,"As we celebrate this glorious time, we can't forget those families who are suffering. As many of you know, the Broflovski family has recently had their child torn away from them. As a community, we must do all we can to ease their pain. Are there any suggestions how we might help?"
Mr. Garrison,"How about, we get rid of all the Mexicans?"
Mayor McDaniels,"Mr. Garrison, every Christmas you suggest we get rid of all the Mexicans, and every Christmas we tell you ""NO!"""
Mr. Garrison,Rats!
Chef,"The Broflovskis need money to appeal that case to the new Canadian Prime Minister. What if this Christmas, instead of buyin' presents, we all use that money to give to the Broflovskis?"
Cartman,"HA! Yeah, right! Like our parents aren't gonna buy us presents for Christmas!"
Liane,"That's a great idea, Chef."
Cartman,What?
Randy,"Yeah. Who needs more stuff, anyway? This Christmas we can do somethin' that really matters!"
Stan,"Dad, don't get carried away."
Mayor McDaniels,"Then it's settled: This year we'll give all our Christmas money to the Broflovskis, in hopes that they may someday have their child returned to them."
Cartman,"No! No, this can't be happening!"
Cartman,You fucking asshole!! This is all your fault!!
Kyle,What?
Cartman,Everyone's gonna be charitable and give money to your family instead of buying Christmas presents!!  You fucking Jews ruined Christmas again!!  AAAAAA!!
Stan,"Whoa whoa, Cartman."
Cartman,"It wasn't enough for you people to kill Jesus, now you have to kill Christmas too, huh?!"
Stan,"Cartman, calm down!"
Kyle,Is that true?
Stan,"It's true, dude. Christmas is ruined."
Cartman,"This is it, Kyle. You and me. We're throwin' down. Right now."
Kyle,"I'm sorry you guys, but there is something we can do. We can go to Canada and see the Prime Minister like I said. If we can change his mind before Christmas, then your parents won't have to give my family money."
Cartman,You really think if we go to Canada we might still get Christmas presents?
Kyle,"It's worth a shot. Come on, you guys, we can do this."
Stan,"Oh all right, but we'd better not miss out on great Christmas adventures."
Kyle,We'll get back in time for a Christmas adventure.
Cartman,"Fine. But if it doesn't work, you and me are gonna have it out, Kyle. Once and for all."
Mr. Kim,"No business... Christmastime come anda nobody wanna eata Chinese food. Looks like I might as well close.  Oh boy! Some business!  Finally!  Herro? Shitty Wok, take ur orda prease!"
Kyle,"Uh, I must have the wrong number. We were trying to reach City Airlines."
Mr. Kim,"Oh, oh yes, just a moment prease.  Herro, Shitty Airrines. Can I help you take ur orda prease?"
Kyle,"Uh, we need to go to Canada. As soon as possible."
Mr. Kim,"Oooh, Canada. Okay, that's uh pretty far. Gonna cost ya a rot of money... hmlet's she. How many people?"
Kyle,Four.
Mr. Kim,"Okay. Four people, Canada, cost a rot of money, that uh gonna be about ah six thousand five hundred daura."
Kyle,How about fifty daura?
Mr. Kim,Fifty daura?! You flighn to Canada cost at reast three thousand daura!
Kyle,Fifty-five daura.
Mr. Kim,Hey! Stop wasting my time wa fifty-five daura! No way I take my plane to Canada for less than a thousand daura!
Kyle,Okay. Sixty daura.
Mr. Kim,Sixty-two daura.
Kyle,Okay.
Mr. Kim,"Okay. Meet me Park County Airfield, yellow Cessna, tail number 432G."
Kyle,Got it.
Mr. Kim,"Hehehehe, never try to barter with a Chinese man."
Cartman,We have exactly fifty-two hours before Christmas.  That means we have to be back in twenty-eight hours to still give our patents twenty-four hours to buy us presents. Synchronize watches on my mark. Mark.
Mr. Kim,"Herro, welcome Shitty Airrine."
Cartman,"Oh no, no no nono, I am NOT flying in that thing!"
Kenny,(Me neither!)
Kyle,Why not?
Kenny,"('Cause, dude, I'll fuckin' die!)"
Kyle,"You're not gonna die, Kenny. Don't be stupid."
Cartman,You guys go get Ike. Kenny and I will stay here and watch the fort.
Stan,"No, you're both coming. Do you care about Christmas or not?"
Cartman,"Of course I care about Christmas- Doh, Christ on a stick!"
Cartman,"Aw dude, it smells like Kung Pao chicken in here!"
Mr. Kim,"Okay, welcome aboard Shitty Airrines. This is your captain speaking. Rooking about a two hour fright. I'll be turning on the seatbelt sign now. If your seats have seatbelts, this is the time you will fasten them. Please sit back, relax, and enjoy your Shitty fright."
Kyle,All right! We're going to Canada!
Cartman,Sweet.
Mr. Kim,"Hey, turn off the right. ...Wha- oh!"
Stan,What's going on??
Mr. Kim,"Herro from the cockpit, this is your captain speaking. As you can see, it appears that we are goin' down. Now would be a good time to refrect on your rife, and pray to whatever deity you bereive in. Thank you for flying Shitty Airlines. We know you have a choice in airlines, and it looks like you made the wrong one."
Kyle,"Hey, where the hell are you going??"
Stan,"Do something, Kyle!"
Kyle,I'm trying!
Cartman,Look out!
Kenny,(N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!)
Stan,"You guys, I don't think we're in America anymore."
Canadian Man,"Eh-xcuse me?  Uh, is this an invasion?"
Kyle,No.
Canadian Man,"Oh thank heavens! It's okay. Everyone, it's not an invasion!"
Kyle,Hey! We're in Canada!
Doctor,Well of course you are! And Canada Friends welcomes you!
Canadians,"Welcome, friend, to Canada! Canada Friends loves you!We're just like any other country without the big tattoo!"
Sailor,"We greet thee with pleasure, but one question, if we may?"
Businessman,What brings you folks to Canada? Why are you here today?
Kyle,"Uh. My adopted brother got taken back here to Canada? So, we want to talk to the new Canadian Prime Minister about getting him back?"
Canadians,"His brother is our quest. The question is, is what? You must talk to the new Prime Minister if you think his brother's home's back there."
Cartman,Oh Jesus Christ.
Scott,Hey! What the hell is going on?!
Canadians,It's Scott! AAAAHHHH!
Scott,Who damaged our beloved Canadian land?!
Kyle,Who's that?
Doctor,That's Scott! He's a dick!
Scott,"A-ha! Americans! I should've known! You think you're the police of the world! You think you own Canada! Well, you aren't welcome here! Get out now!"
Doctor,"Oh no you don't, Scott! Leave these boys alone!"
Scott,"This isn't over, you American scum! I swear to God: you'll rue this day!!"
Man in Barrel,"God, what a dick!"
Kyle,"Look, we don't have a lot of time here, okay? Can you just tell us where the new Prime Minister is?"
Doctor,The new Prime Minister doesn't live in this part of Canada. He's in Ottawa.
Kyle,So how do we get to Ottawa?
Wrestler,Oh that's easy. You just have to follow the road.
Cartman,Which road?!
Firefighter,This is Canada. We only have one road.
Priest,Follow the only road.
Man,Follow the only road.
Canadians,"To go anywhere in Canada, you just follow the only road.There's only one road in Canada. We call it the Road, the only road.Hip-hip, hooray, let's hear it for our Road."
Road Workers,And it's paved and wide and up to code.
Stan,"All right dude, let's get the hell out of here!"
Kyle,Word!
Canadians,"You're off to see the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister of Canada!"
Doctor,"Good-bye, friends! Good luck with the new Prime Minister! And remember to watch out for Scott! He's a dick!"
Canadians,"Good-bye, good-bye, see ya, good luck."
Cartman,Twenty hours until Christmas. Our parents still have time to buy us presents IF we hurry.
Mountie,"Ahoy there, travelers."
Kyle,Who are you?
Mountie,"I am Rick, the proud Canadian Mountie."
Sheep,Baaaah.
Stan,I thought mounties were supposed to ride horses.
Rick,"Yes. Yes, we are. But our funding has been cut and now we're forced to ride..."
Sheep,Baaaah.
Cartman,"But if you don't mind, we're in a rush to see the new Prime Minister."
Rick,"You're going to see the new Prime Minister. Oh, I would so like to meet him myself. It's his strange new laws that took our horses away. Perhaps I will go with you."
Kyle,"That's okay, we'd rather just go by ourselves."
Rick,"Follow me this way! We're going to see the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister of Canada!"
Scott,Power-hungry Americans! I'll fix you!
Cartman,"Oh Jesus, eighteen hours. We're running out of time!"
Rick,"All right boys, prepare yourselves. We're about to enter... French Canada."
Kyle,French Canada?
French Canadians,"There'z no Canada like French Canada, it'z za bezt Canada in ze land.Ze ozer Canada is hardly Canada. If you lived here for a day, you'd understand."
Mime,Honh honh honnnh! Welcome to French Canada.
Hockey Player,We have everyzing your heart could desire. Trapezes. Trampolines. And lots and lots of cheese.
Artist,Would you like a moustache?
Rick,"Just stay calm, boys. French Canadians are a little... odd."
Stan,"Ah, we're just passing through to see the new Prime Minister."
Mime,Well first you must answer that phone.  Ring-ring. Ring-ring.
Kyle,We don't have time for this.
Mime,You cannot pass through French Canada unless you take zat phone call!  Ring-ring. Ring-ring.
Kyle,Hello?
Mime,"Allo. If you are going to see za new Prime Minister, then I want to go with you. He has passed a new law forbidding us French Canadians to drink wine."
Artist,How can ze French not drink wine?? Travestie!
Kyle,"Okay, you can come with us."
Mime,Honh honnnh! Very good! Let us make haste!
French Canadians,"There'z no Canada like French Canada, it'z za bezt Canada in ze land.And ze ozer Canada."
Mime,Is a bullshit Canada
French Canadians,"If you lived here for a day, you'd understand."
Mime,I think you'd understand. ...You understand.
Rick,Oh my! This certainly is a desolate place!
Mime,It reminds me of death and fear.
Cartman,How much further to Ottawa! Christmas is only twelve hours away.
Rick,We must be very close now.
Scott,Ey! What are you doing?!
Rick,Waaaah!
Mime,Oh no. It's Scott.
Scott,What are you two doing helping these Americans?! Don't you know America thinks it owns Canada along with the rest of the world?!
Rick,"You're a dick, Scott!"
Scott,"You're a dick! And by helping Americans, you're just as smelly as they are! Now I'm going to get you!"
Fisherman,"Not so fast, Scott!"
Scott,Who the hell are you?!
Fisherman,I'm Steve the Newfoudlander. And you're on Newfoundland property now! Get off before I have you arrested!
Scott,Ugh! This isn't over! Not by a long shot! I'll fix you. I'll fix all of you!!
Rick,"Woo, that was a close call. Thank you, kind Newfie!"
Kyle,"God-damnit, we need to get to the new Prime Minister! NOW!"
Steve,"Oh yeah, the Prime Minister, eh? He sure has screwed up things for Newfoundland. Life just hasn't been the same since he made sodomy illegal."
Mime,"Well, come with us! Maybe you can ask him to take his sodomy ban away."
Kyle,"Can we just get going, please?"
Steve,"Yeah, sure, except there's just one problem."
Stan,What?
Steve,You folks are goin' the wrong way.
Stan,What?? But I thought there was one road in Canada.
Steve,Yeah. And you all went the wrong direction on it.
Rick,"Ohh, that's right. Ottawa is that way."
Mime,"Of course. Ottawa left, Newfoundland right!"
Stan,Oh no!
Cartman,How could you be so stupid!
Kyle,There's no way we can go all the way back. We'll never make it now!
Rick,"It's okay, boys. The power is inside us to get to Ottawa! We can wish ourselves there!"
Mime,"Ah yes, let's wish ourselves there."
Rick,Is it working?
Cartman,"Oh, God-damnit! Well I warned you Kyle! I told you if I missed Christmas we were gonna throw down!  Well it's on! We're gonna have it our RIGHT NOW!"
Steve,"Of course, we could always take my boat, eh?"
Rick,Oh yes! On the river we could travel to Ottawa in no time!
Kyle,Well come on!
Steve,"Okay, next stop, the new Prime Minister."
Kyle,Do you think we can still make it in time?
Cartman,"We'd better, Kyle. Or you're dead."
Steve,Here we are at the Parliament buildin'.
Mime,Ze Prime Minister is inside.
Cartman,"Well come on, let's hurry! It's almost Christmas!"
Doorman,Yes?
Kyle,We need to see the new Prime Minister.
Doorman,Ha! Impossible! The new Prime Minister isn't seeing anybody!
Mime,"Oh well, zo much for zat."
Steve,"Yeah, we gave it our best, but our best wasn't good enough, eh?"
Kyle,No. No!!
Doorman,Yes?
Kyle,"Please, sir. I traveled a long way to get here. He's the only person who can help me."
Doorman,The Prime Minister isn't here. He's in China on official business. So you might as well go home. Good-bye!
Kyle,Then that's it. I'm... I'm never going to get my brother back.
Cartman,And... I'm not going to get any Christmas presents.
Stan,And... I'm not gonna have a Christmas adventure.
Kenny,(And I'm not gonna have last 5 days without death...)
Doorman,Oh please! Please stop crying.
Cartman,"I'm gonna kill you, Kyle."
Doorman,"All right all right, I was lying. The Prime Minister IS here."
Kyle,Really?
Doorman,Yes yes. Come in.
Prime Minister,I am the Prime Minister of Canada. What do you guys want?
Kyle,"Sir, you recently passed a new law allowing parents who have given their children up for adoption to change their minds. My little brother was-"
Scott,Not so fast!
Kyle,Ike!
Ike,Kyle!
Scott,"Prime Minister, these are the child's Canadian parents! Their Canadian blood pumps through his veins! Would you send him back to America with those world-hungry scum?!"
Kyle,"Please, sir. I came because I don't think Ike belongs here. Family isn't about whose blood you have in you, family is about the people who cared about you and took care of you. We're not the same blood, but I love my little brother. We've taken care of him because he needed us to, and that makes us more family than anything."
Prime Minister,"That is a great speech, guy. But the answer is no! All of my new laws will stay in effect forever!"
Scott,"Haha, you lose, Americans!"
Rick,"Then, I suppose us mounties will never get our horses."
Mime,And we won't get our wine.
Steve,"And we can't perform sodomy, eh?"
Kyle,But why are you making such strange laws??
Prime Minister,I SAID GO!
Kenny,(Gah!)
Stan,"Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!"
Kyle,"You... bastards!  Wha, what the hell is wrong with you?? What kind of Prime Minister bases his decisions on hatred?  And, and takes away mounties' horses?  And French people's wine? What the hell kind of Prime Minister are you, anyway?!"
Prime Minister,"I am the Prime Minister of Canada.  I can do whatever I-  Uh oh. Uh, don't mind that guy hiding in the spider hole, he's just my friend."
Kyle,What the hell??
Rick,"Hey, that looks like Saddam Hussein!"
Saddam Hussein,"Saddam Hussein?? Naw, relax, baby. I'm not him."
Mime,"Zat explains everything! Za new Prime Minister was Saddam Hussein, once again trying to take over our beloved Canada like he did before."
Soldier 1,Saddam Hussein?
Soldier 2,He was fooling us?
Businessman,Get him!
Saddam Hussein,"Ahh, don't shoot. I want to negotiate. Hey, relax!  Gah!"
Rick,Wait a minute. This means all the Prime Minister's new laws are null and void. We can have our horses back!
Mime,And we can drink our wine.
Steve,And I can sodomize me boys again
Harry,"Young man, you... must really care for Peter to have come all this way."
Elise,Perhaps we were wrong to try and take Peter back. He doesn't belong here. He belongs with his family.
Harry,"Peter, would you like to go back to your home in Colorado?"
Stan,What is that?
Cartman,It's Christmas. We officially missed it. It's Christmas Day and ... I'm in Canada.
Kyle,"Wull yeah, but ah-I got my brother back."
Cartman,"Yeah! You got your brother back, but I didn't get any presents!  And what did I tell you, Kyle?!  I told you that if we didn't make it back in time for Christmas I was gonna whup your ass, didn't I?!"
Kyle,"Dude, come on."
Cartman,"Well now you're gonna get it, motherfucker! That's right! You and me! Right now!  We're havin' it out! Let's go! Come on! Come on!!  Mooooooom! Moooooooom!"
Rick,"Hey, come on, boys! You can spend Christmas with us, Canada style!"
Canadians,"Ding dong, they caught Saddam! Merry Christmas to the world!Ding dong, the Americans caught Saddam!Now Canada is free for you and you and meIt's the best Christmas presents we ever gotCanadian Christmas, it's the best! We drink and dance and show our breasts!Let's celebrate! Saddam Hussein's been caught!"
Stan,Oh well. Maybe we'll get to have a Christmas adventure next year.
Character,Line
Kyle,"Stop it, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Pfaha, so funny."
Kyle,"Goddammit Cartman, stop throwin' those stupid poppy-things at me!"
Roger,"Come on and take a look, folks. We've got a lot of knives for sale here."
Stan,"Oh my God, look!  Martial arts weapons from the Far East."
Kyle,"Wow, cool."
Stan,"Dude! We should each buy a weapon, and then we'll be like ninjas."
Cartman,Yeah. We won't have to take crap from anybody.
Kyle,"Our parents won't let us have weapons, dude."
Cartman,"Who's gonna tell them, dumbass?!"
Stan,"Yeah, dude, our parents are gonna be at the stupid fair all day long. They'll never know what we bought.  I'll get the tonfas.  Those are so sweet."
Cartman,I'm gonna get those killer sai.  Look Kenny! There's something even you can afford! A ninja shuriken  for a dollar ninety nine.
Kenny,(Shuriken. Awesome!)
Roger,Can I help you boys?
Stan,Yeah. We wanna get one of each of these ninja weapons.
Roger,"Okay, uh, you need to have your parents here when you buy them, though. I, I can't sell to anyone under eighteen without parents' permission."
Cartman,Parents? Parents?!  Oh God!
Roger,Wha- wha- what's the matter?
Stan,"We, we're brothers, see, and our parents... died in a car accident last year."
Cartman,Why?!  Why?! Why did you have to take them both?! Why?!  Why?!
Kyle,Why do people have to keep reminding us of what we don't have?!
Roger,"It's all right, it's all right boys. Don't cry, I'll... I'll just... go pack these up for you, okay?"
Stan,"Goddamn, that's like the twelfth time that's worked."
Stan,Kiya! Kiya!
Kyle,Kaii yo!
Cartman,"Giya! Shut up, hippies! I'll kill you!  Iya!"
Stan,"With my tonfa of Takanawa, I become the great and powerful ninja Shadowhachi, born to fight evil and people I don't like."
Kyle,"Yeah. And my powerful nunchakus make me into Bunroku , a deadly but compassionate ninja who protects those in trouble."
Stan,"What's your ninja name, Kenny?"
Kenny,(unintelligible)
Cartman,Yes. And I... am Bulrog. Tough brute ninja who has dedicated his life to eradicating the world of hippies
Stan,"All right, ninjas! Let's go protect the world!"
Cartman,Kick ass!
Cartman,"Hey, you guys, you know what we should do? We should go show our weapons to Craig and those guys. They'll be so jealous."
Kenny,"(Yeah, that'd be awesome!)"
Kyle,"No dude, we can't go around showing our weapons to people. Our parents'll find out we have them."
Cartman,"Ech! You see, guys? This is why Jews can't be ninjas! They've got no spine!"
Kyle,"You don't know anything about Jews, fatass!"
Cartman,"Oh yeah?! My mom took me to see Mel Gibson's movie, The Passion, and Mel Gibson says you are sneaks and you are liars. And if the Road Warrior says it, it must be true."
Stan,"Don't worry, Kyle. Craig's not gonna tell on us. Come, ninjas, let's go.  All right, this is it."
Cartman,Yes. The residence of the one called... Craig.
Kyle,I still say this is a bad idea.
Stan,"Ninja positions!  Hello, Craig!"
Cartman,Look what we got.
Craig,Where'd you get those?
Stan,We can't tell you where we got 'em! It's secret ninja stuff.
Cartman,"Ooo, is that jealousy I see in your eyes, Craig? Mmm, yes, drown me in the sweet water of your envy."
Craig,"Uh-uh, they're not that cool."
Stan,"Hyeah, ""they're not that cool."" These are real authentic weapons from the Far East."
Kyle,But don't tell anybody we have them.
Cartman,Ugh.
Token,Whoa! Where'd you get those?!
Clyde,Let me see.
Stan,"Uh, we'd love to hang out guys, but we have important secret work to do."
Cartman,"Yes. The life of a ninja is complex and full of peril.  Come on, ninjas!"
All,Ho!
Cartman,"Aw man, did you see the look on Craig's face?! That was awesome!"
Stan,"Dude, we're like the coolest kids in the whole state!"
Butters,Hey fellas. What's happenin'?
Cartman,"We're playing Ninjas, Butters."
Butters,"Wowee! Hey, can I play, ninjas with you?"
Cartman,"No, Butters. We are a very select elite fighting team sent to protect the world from evil, and you can't play with us."
Stan,"Yeah, Butters. You wouldn't make a very good ninja. Come on, guys.  We have a lot of work to do."
Cartman,"Yes, and no time to do it. No time..."
Butters,"I think I'd make a really good ninja.  Jeez, those guys never let me play with them. Uh, they just shun me all the time."
Butters,I'm a lost soul. A dark lonely shadow of a person-
Linda,Hi Butters.
Butters,"Hi Mom.  -a castaway, forced to live his life out in solitude.  And it's because of times like these I was forced to a life of evil.  Society cast me out, and so I vowed to make them all pay! And pay they did! Nobody knows that beneath this sweet eight-year-old little boy lies the most evil, the most destructive super-villain of all time!  Professor Chaos!  Let's see how you like dealing with me, ninjas!"
Linda,"Ooo, Butters, are you going out to play again?"
Butters,"Yeah Mom, I'm just goin' outside for a little while."
Linda,"Well, could you be a sweetie and take that pie over there to the Thomsons. I made it to thank them for babysitting you last week."
Butters,"Well, o- okay Mom.  Bah! Gah!"
Stan,"Hm, this doesn't seem to be the right way. My ninja sense is telling me we might be heading in the wrong direction."
Kyle,"Okay, hang on guys. I'll use my special power to see into the future and find out where we should head next."
Cartman,"Hold on you guys. I actually have another power. I can see into the future too, but better than Kyle. Let me try it."
Kyle,"God dammit, Cartman! You can't keep making up new powers!"
Stan,"Yeah dude, that's like the fifth power you've come up with!"
Cartman,I am Bulrog and I have lots and lots of powers.
Kyle,No asshole! From now on you only get to have one power! So what is it?!
Cartman,I have the power to have all the powers I want.
Kyle,"That doesn't count, fatass!"
Stan,"Yeah, that it, Cartman! You don't get to have any powers!"
Cartman,C'mon!
Butters,Haaa ha ha ha ha!  Well well well! If it isn't the four ninjas!
Kyle,Who the hell is that?
Stan,"I dunno. Craig, is that you?"
Butters,Fools!  I am Professor Chaos! Bringer of Destruction and Doom!  Your feeble ninja powers are no match for me!
Kyle,Whoa.
Cartman,"Looks like we have a sworn enemy, you guys."
Kenny,(Yeah.)
Stan,"Very well, Professor Chaos! We'll play along. Now, fell the fiery sting of my tonfa of Takanawa!  Hey kid, that knocks you down."
Butters,Nuh uh!
Stan,"Yeah, huh, I got you!"
Butters,Nuh uh! Because my cloak is made of a... titanium alloy that shields me from heat!
Cartman,That's bullcrap! Titanium alloy my ass!
Kyle,"Well, let's see how he likes the icy blasts from my nunchucks of Sokuromoto!"
Butters,"Huh nice attempt, ninja! But now both of you shall feel the power of my Web of Holding!  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! You are both trapped in spiderwebs!"
Cartman,"All right, dickhole! Time for you to pay!  Oh no! I have no powers! Kyle took them away from me! Quick, Kyle, give me back my powers so I can fight this evil villain!"
Kyle,"Okay, okay, you can have your powers back."
Cartman,All right! And now I will use my power to...  turn Kyle into a chicken! Bleh!
Kyle,God dammit Cartman!
Cartman,"Ha, ha, ha, ha, haaa, ha! Now you are a chicken! Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya!"
Butters,Enough! I grow weary of your foolishness. Professor Chaos cannot be stopped!
Stan,Oh yeah?! Kenny! Use your ninja star!
Kenny,"(Yeah! Take this, Professor Chaos!)  (Feel my wrath!)"
Cartman,"Oh, shit, dude!"
Stan,"Butters! Oh my God!  Oh, dude! It's stuck in his eye!"
Kyle,"What the hell did you do that for, Kenny?!"
Kenny,(I just threw my ninja star at him.)
Butters,It hurts! It hurts!
Kyle,Oh man! We are in serious trouble!
Stan,"Sh shhhh. It's okay, Butters. Calm down. It's not that bad, really."
Butters,But I... But I... But I can't see nothin'. I gotta go to the hospital!
Stan,"Okay okay, calm down, Butters! It'll be okay!"
Cartman,"Guys, meeting over here for a second?  All right you guys, we need to stay calm and just do the right thing. We have to kill Butters and bury him in Kyle's backyard."
Stan,"Dude, shut up!"
Kyle,I agree with Cartman!
Stan,What?!
Kyle,You don't understand what my mom will do to me if she finds out I was playing with weapons!
Stan,"Just stay still, Butters."
Butters,Ah.  Hwa!  Hwaaaaa!
Kyle,Stop dude! You're gonna scramble his brain!
Cartman,"Go ahead and scramble it, then he won't remember it was us."
Butters,You guys can't fix my eyeball! You have to take me to the hospital!
Kyle,"If we take him to the hospital, they're gonna find out what happened."
Stan,God dammit!
Kyle,"God? Please, if you get me out of this, I swear, I will never play with weapons ever again."
Cartman,"Don't be so quick to throw off your ninja responsibility, Kyle.  Now, come on guys, sure, it's easy to be a ninja when everything's going your way, but it's times like these, when the chips are down, that a ninja shows his true character."
Butters,"Whoa, I'm getting woozy."
Cartman,"Shut up, Butters.  Now, there's a way out of this. We just have to use our... ninja reasoning."
Stan,"We... need a doctor... But we can't go to the hospital. Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. What about the veterinarian?"
Cartman,Dr. Shafley?
Stan,He's really old and going blind.
Cartman,So if we make Butters up to look like a dog...
Kyle,Oh no.
Stan,We might pass him off as our pet.
Butters,"But, but fellas, if I, if I dress up like a dog with a star in my eye, I- I'm gonna get grounded."
"Stan, Kyle, Cartman","Shut up, Butters!"
Kyle,"That is the dumbest idea you guys have ever come up with! I'd expect this stupidity out of Cartman, but you, Stan?! Butters needs medical attention right now!"
Stan,"All right, then you take him to the hospital, Kyle. You take him to the hospital and let your mom find out what happened."
Cartman,Hand me the modeling glue. We need more fur over here.
Butters,"Uh, that modeling glue is making me dizzy."
Cartman,"Butters! We're trying to help you, Goddamnit! Now, stop being such an asshole!"
Kyle,We need some more fur.  I think that's good.
Cartman,"Okay, let's hear your bark, Butters."
Butters,"Uh. Wuff, wu-wuff."
Stan,All right. Now we just gotta sneak him into town.
Stan,"Okay, it's clear."
Cartman,"Now remember, Butters, when you get to the vet's office, you need to stay down on all fours and- Butters, listen! At the vet's office, you need to stay down on all fours and bark a lot."
Butters,"Wuhuff, woof, woof."
Kyle,"We've gotta hurry, it's getting late!"
Stan,"Oh shit, somebody's coming!"
Kyle,"Quick, hide Butters!"
Cartman,In here!
Butters,"bu- but fellas, I gotta-"
Craig,"Aha!  There you are! You guys thought you were so cool, didn't you?! Well look at what we got!"
Cartman,"No way, you got weapons too?!"
Stan,Where'd you get those?
Jimmy,"From the n-n- from the nn-, from the nn-"
Clyde,From the nice guy at the county fair.
Craig,"At first we needed our parents' permission, but then we told him our parents were dead."
Cartman,"Aw man, now every douchebag in town has a weapon! Lame!"
Craig,"So,  how would you ninjas like to do battle?"
Stan,"Uh, not now, Craig, we we have to be going."
Craig,You can't pass through this area until you defend your honor!
Kyle,"He said, not now, Craig!"
Craig,"I am not Craig,  I am Ginza,  with the powerful blade of the kitana. Iya!"
Token,"And I am Black Chaku,  with the power of perfect spelling!"
Stan,"Guys, we're we're really not playing, okay?"
Jimmy,"Wha, what, what's the m-matter, f-fellas? Are you ... nnnninjas or p-p-p-pussies?"
Cartman,We're twice the ninjas you fags are!
Clyde,Then fight us!
Cartman,"Very well, Clyde. Kiyaaaa!"
Kyle,I swore to never fight again.
Stan,"We don't have a choice, Kyle. Just humor them. Hyaaaaah!"
Singer,"Subarashii chinchin monoKintama no kame aru Sore no oto ha ""saru bobo""Iie! Ninja ga imasuHey Hey Let's Go! kenka suruTaisetsu no mono protect my ballsBoku ga warui so let's fighting Let's fighting love... Let's fighting love... Kono uta chotto bakaWake ga wakaranaiEigo ga mechakuchaDaijobu? We do it all the time!Hey hey let's go kenka suru..."
Stan,"Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait!  Wait.  Hold on a second. Where's Butters?"
Kyle,Oh no. Butters!
Cartman,Butters!
Stan,"Oh, nice going, you assholes! You made us lose him!"
Craig,Lose who?
Kyle,"Butters! He got a ninja star stuck in his eye, and we were taking him to the vet when you fucked it all up! Butters!"
Craig,Stuck in his eye? Was he bleeding?
Cartman,"Ye-yeah, a little- Butters! Get back here right now!"
Craig,"Oh shit, you guys are in trouble. We're outta here!"
Stan,"No dude, you gotta help us find him!"
Craig,To hell with that!
Cartman,"We're in this together, Craig! If Butters tells on us, we're gonna tell on you! That's the ninja code!"
Butters,"Hello? Anybody-eh.  Woof. Woof. Woofwoof.  Eh. Woof, eh. Woof."
Stan,Butters!
Kyle,Butters!
Cartman,"Here, Butters!"
Kenny,(Butters!)
Craig,Butters!
Clyde,Butters!
Token,Butters!
Jimmy,Bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- Butters!
Cartman,Butter- Butters!Kyle:Hey Butters!
Stan,Butters!
Kyle,"Dude, look!"
Chef,"Hello there, children!"
The Boys,"Hey, Chef."
Chef,How's it goin'?
Stan,Bad.
Chef,Why bad?
Kyle,"Uuuh, Chef, you haven't seen Butters around, have you?"
Chef,"No, can't say that I have. Hey, what are you children doin' with those weapons?"
Stan,"Nothing, just... playing."
Chef,"Well, you children should be careful with those. You could put somebody's eye out."
Kyle,"Yeah, we know."
Chef,"Well, I've gotta get to the fairgrounds. They're about to start the big auction. So long, children!"
Nurse,Oh my God!  What the-?! Doctor? Doctor?!
Dr. Doctor,Jesus Christ.  What kind of sick bastard would do this to a dog?! Poor little pup.
Butters,Woof woof.
Nurse,"Can you help him, Doctor?"
Dr. Doctor,"I'm afraid I wouldn't know how. Unfortunately for this little fella, I'm a people doctor. Best we call the animal shelter."
Nurse,Right away.
Announcer,"In our last episode the four ninjas did battle with Professor Chaos, bringer of destruction and doom. It was during that great battle that ninja master Kenny threw his star into Professor Chaos' eye. Now the ninjas were in serious trouble, because their parents might find out they had weapons, if Professor Chaos told on them. While trying to get Professor Chaos some aid at the veterinarian's office, the four ninjas ran into Craig and his three friends. They challenged the four ninjas to fight, and the legendary battle of Tokutawa began. It was during this battle that Professor Chaos escaped, and so the four ninjas were forced to join forces with Craig and his friends to find Professor Chaos, or else they would all be grounded."
Stan,Butters!
Kyle,Butters!
Cartman,"Here, Butters!"
Kenny,(Butters!)
Craig,Butters!
Clyde,Butters!
Token,Butters!
Craig,Butters! Where the hell are you?!
Kyle,"It's hopeless, dude! Butters must have made it to the hospital. By now our parents probably know we were playing with weapons! We have to get rid of the evidence!"
Stan,What?
Kyle,"Dude, we have to get rid of our weapons so at least we can try to deny everything."
Cartman,"Screw that, dude, I paid twenty bucks for these things!"
Stan,"Yeah, let's just go return them and get our money back."
Kyle,"We don't have time for that, dude! We just have to ditch them! Now!"
Cartman,"Okay. Go ahead, Kyle. Throw your nunchucks away. If you can. But you know damn well that your Jewish blood won't let you. You can't throw away something you paid fifteen bucks for. Go ahead and try."
Kyle,"Screw you, fatass!"
Cartman,"Mel Gibson was right, Kyle. Right now the Jew in you is screaming ""NO! Those cost money! Get your money back!"" You know this to be true.  Go ahead. Prove Mel Gibson wrong, Kyle.  Do it."
Kyle,I- I can't do it... I can't do it. I...
Stan,"It's all right, Kyle. We'll go back to the fair and return them."
Vet,"Come on. Come on, little fella. 'Atta boy."
Butters,Woof woof.
Vet,"Right over here.  Good dog. Come on.  There you go, right in there.  Goooood dog."
Butters,Gaaaah!
Assistant,Somebody threw a ninja star in that poor puppy's eye?
Vet,"It just makes me sick how some people can treat animals.  Well, nothing we can do for it; let's put it to sleep, shall we?  Here you go, pup. I've got a sweet dose of murder for you.  What the? Blasted! He's escaped! ...Oh well, let's murder one of these other dogs."
Stan,"All right, the county fair's still open!"
Roger,Can I help you boys?
Stan,We have come to return the weapons we purchased.
Roger,"Uh, sorry kids, ah I don't give refunds."
Kyle,"Listen, doucher! Our parents are gonna kill us, and you, if they found out that we bought these!"
Roger,I thought you told me your parents were dead.
Craig,You guys!  You guys!
Stan,"What is it, Craig?"
Craig,It's Butters! We saw 'im!
Kyle,Where?!
Craig,Right on the other side of the fairgrounds. He's just wandering around aimlessly.
Kyle,Then it's not too late!
Stan,"Come on, Ninjas!"
Barker,"All right, folks, our next item up for bids is this lovely 19th Century lamp."
Stan,"Aw dude, crap. All our parents are there."
Craig,Butters is right on the other side.
Kyle,We have to get past them!
Cartman,All right. Looks like I have to use my power of invisibility to get by.
Kyle,You have that power too?
Cartman,"I told you, Bulrog has lots and lots of powers. Behold.  This way, I can move about the crowd of people undetected.  Here, hold this stuff for me."
Stan,"Good luck, Bulrog."
Barker,"Now, this lamp comes from the estate of Edna and James Hollinger, who lived in upstate Wyoming.  It has a bronze finish and actual gold leaf along the base. This is a rare opportunity to own a classic antique.  The lamp has been appraised by our auction staff at well over two thousand dollars.  So we're gonna start the bidding at three hundred and seventy five. Do I, do I hear three hundred and seventy five?  Kid, what the hell do you think you're doin'?"
Butters,"Haba, haba! Habahoaha!"
Linda,Butters!
Randy,What happened to him?
Sheila,Oh my God!
Stan,"Oh, Jesus."
Kyle,"Oh dude, we are gonna get it now."
Mayor McDaniels,"All right, people, we are all extremely upset over what's happened.  But let's try to speak one at a time."
Man 1,"Well, like the rest of you, I am shocked and appalled at what happened! I don't know if the parents are to blame or if it's the times we're living in, but something has to change!"
Townsfolk,Yeah! I agree!
Gerald,This is the worst thing that's happened in this town!  The worst thing!
Man 2,"Yeah! I mean, there were children watching that auction! And when that little eight-year-old boy walked up and flashed his... penis! It was an outrage!"
Stan,What?
Cartman,What?
Skeeter,"Not only that, the auction was televised on public access, so my little daughter watchin' at home saw the... penis! How am I supposed to explain that to her?!"
Sheila,This is what happens when the moral fabric of society breaks down!
Mr. Garrison,"You see the damage you've caused, Eric Cartman?! What were you thinking?!"
Cartman,I told you it was a wardrobe malfunction.
Kyle,"Dude, they don't care we knocked Butters' eye out with weapons?"
Stan,"Just run with it, dude."
Kyle,"Uh, yeah! I agree! Uh- my fragile little eight-year-old mind didn't know how to deal with what I was seeing. C-Cartman should be punished!"
Man,Yeah!
Cartman,"Hey, fuck you, Kyle!"
Kyle,"Yeah, I c- I can't believe it."
Stan,Yeah. I guess parents don't give a crap about violence if there's sex things to worry about.
Kyle,So I guess this means we get to keep our weapons.
Stan,"Yeah. Come on, ninjas.  We've got some more work to do."
The Boys,Hya!
Jimmy,Hey fellas.
Stan,"Oh hey Jimmy, hey Timmy."
Timmy,Timmy!
Jimmy,"Say fellas, Jimmy and I were wondering if maybe you would come and cheer for us next S-S-Saturday. We're both competing in the Special Olympics down in Denver."
Cartman,The Special Olympics? What's so special about them?
Kyle,They're Olympic games for handicapped people.
Cartman,What?
Jimmy,Timmy and I are competing in a variety of events.
Stan,"Yeah sure, we'll come cheer you and Timmy on."
Kyle,"Yeah, that'd be cool."
Jimmy,"Thanks a lot, fellas. Well, we gotta get down to the training center and start working out. Word is we have a lot of sssstiff competition this year."
Kyle,"Well all right, we'll see you on Saturday, guys."
Timmy,Timmy!
Cartman,"Dude. I can't believe they exploit handicapped people like this. I mean, making them compete against each other just for our amusement."
Kyle,"...You're an asshole, Cartman."
Cartman,What? What'd I do?
Jimmy,S-s-six!
Timmy,Timmih.
Jimmy,S-s-s-ssseven!
Timmy,Timmih. Timmih!
Jimmy,S-s-seven!
Timmy,Timmih! Timmih!
Jimmy,"Ni- I can- I can't!  Huff. Oh man.  Gee whiz, Timmy. It looks like we have some pretty stiff competition this year.  All of the special athletes seem to be in tip-top condition, and I can't even get past seven ru-reps. Hoh well, that's it for me, Timmy. I'm p-p-p-pooped. I'll see you in the locker room."
Timmy,Otimmih.
Francis,"Hey Jimmy, g-good luck on Saturday."
Jimmy,"You too, Francis."
Nathan,Hey Jimmy.
Jimmy,"Oh he-hey, N-Nathan."
Nathan,"So uh, I see you train pretty hard."
Jimmy,"Yeah, it sure is tough. I'm training really hard, but I'm not improving fast enough, and the Special Olympics are a... week away."
Nathan,"Weeell uh, maybe I can help you out. You know, there are shortcuts."
Jimmy,What kind of shortcuts?
Nathan,You know. Steroids.
Jimmy,S-s-ss-s-s-steroids?  ...But aren't those illegal?
Nathan,"Yeah, sure, but these are new. They don't show up in our urine tests."
Jimmy,"So uh, ha-how do they... w-w-work?"
Nathan,You just take one of these little blue babies  three times a day  and inject this directly into your bloodstream  twice a day before meals.
Jimmy,How much would this cost me?
Nathan,"Uuuh, it isn't cheap. I've gotta keep vice off my back and secure shipments from overseas."
Jimmy,"Well... then maybe I'll just use them a-al-little bit. You know, as a per-formance en... hancer."
Nathan,"Oh, whatever you say, Jimmy my friend.  Whatever you say."
Cartman,You guys! You guys! I have the best idea ever! I'm gonna be rich!
Kyle,What?
Cartman,"Dude, I was just looking at the Special Olympics brochure, and check this shit out: ""At the end of the Special Olympics, a Grand Champion Special Athlete is crowned and given a cash prize of $1000"""
Stan,So?
Cartman,"So?! So, dude, think about it. If somebody just pretended to be mentally handicapped, they could easily win the competition and get the thousand bucks!"
Kyle,"Oh no. Cartman, no!"
Cartman,"It's flawless! I'll act like I have a disability, and when the time come to compete I'll kick ass against all the handicaps!"
Stan,"That's really, really terrible, dude."
Cartman,"Terrible?? Whatever! You guys' brains just can't compute complex plans like mine can! It'll work, you'll see."
Kyle,Cartman! I will not stand by and let you cheat your way to winning the Special Olympics!
Cartman,Why?
Kyle,Because!
Cartman,"What are you gonna do, Kyle?! Tell on me?!  Then you'll be a great big no-good double-faced poopy-pants tattle-tale!  Is that really how you deal with your problems?! Grow up, Kyle!  All I have to do is make people think I'm handicapped, and I get a thousand dollars. It won't be easy, but nothing worth having ever is."
Cartman,Daaaarrrr. Duuuuurrrr. I wanna be in the Special Olympics.  Bull's eye!
Jimmy,Oh! Agh! Ju-just a second!
Dad,Jimmy?
Jimmy,"Hang on, I'm-I'm, coming."
Dad,"Jim, it's your father!"
Jimmy,I said I'm coming! Give me a Goddamned s-second!  Hold it.
Dad,"Jimmy, were you masturbating?"
Jimmy,"N-no, Dad."
Dad,"Okay. Well, you have a visitor."
Girl,Hi Jimmy.
Jimmy,"Oh. Hi, N-N-Nancy."
Nancy,I was hoping we would study for the spelling test tomorrow.
Jimmy,Oh. Sure thing. Come on in.
Dad,"I didn't know you had a girlfriend, Jim."
Jimmy,"Yeah, Dad. We've been going out since we met in Free Period last week."
Dad,"I'll leave you two alone.  Y-You sure you weren't masturbating, Jim? It's okay if you were."
Jimmy,"Dad, Jesus C-Christ!"
Dad,"Okay, then."
Cartman,"Drrrrrrey drrrrrrrey.  Hey guys, what's going on? Drrrrr."
Kyle,God damn you!
Cartman,"You see, gentlemen? The Special Olympics Championship and my one thousand dollars is just four days away.  I'm going to go sign up now."
Kyle,"No you're not!  I read the brochure, Cartman! If you're under eighteen, you have to have a parent with you to sign up for the Special Olympics."
Cartman,What?!
Kyle,"It says right there ""a parent has to be with you to sign up,"" and you'll never get your mom to agree to something so horrible, so ha!"
Cartman,Moooommmm?
Liane,"Yes, hon?"
Cartman,"Um, could I get you to do something for me?"
Liane,"What's that, hon?"
Cartman,"Um, okay. This is goin' ta sound a little strange. Um, but, stick with me. Um, moooommm? Would you mind coming with me to sign up for the Special Olympics so I can beat all the handicapped kids and win a thousand dollars?"
Liane,"Oh... N- no, sweetie. I believe those Olympics are just for... ""special"" children."
Cartman,I'm not special? I thought you always said I was special.
Liane,"You are, hon, but... I don't think that's a very good idea."
Cartman,...I'll split the money with you.
Liane,"...I'm sorry, Eric. The answer is No."
Cartman,"All right, Mom, look. Here's .. the truth.  God, this is gonna be hard to say.  I think, Mom, that I've been hard on some of the handicapped kids at school in the past. I've sometimes looked at people with disabilities as people God put here on earth for my amusement, but... now I'm starting to think... that if I could just spend one day in their shoes... if I could just see the challenges they face every day... maybe I wouldn't be so cold. I just want a chance to change.  Help me change?"
Liane,"Oh, a- a- all right, sweetie, I- I'll take you tomorrow."
Cartman,Awesome.
Jimmy,"You did a great job in the 500, Timmy. You're really im-p-p-proving."
Timmy,Timmih!
Jimmy,"I think I really got a shot at the gold in the swimming competition. Coach says I'm the fastest he's ever seen. Well, I'll see you nice and early for p-practice, Tim-Tim. Oh, uh, can you hand me my bag?"
Timmy,Timmih!  Tim- Timmy?
Jimmy,"Oh, uh, so... hey, Timmy... uh hu-how about we go out for a s-s-soda later?  I'll uh, I-I'll see you later, Tim-Tim."
Timmy,Timmih...
Jimmy,"Look it's really none of your b-b-b-beeswax, Timmy!"
Timmy,Timmih. Timmih!
Jimmy,"Because I, maybe I don't have what it takes to win with-without them!"
Timmy,Timmih.  T-T-Timmih.
Jimmy,"You you aren't gonna... tell anybody, are you?"
Timmy,Huh! Timmih! T-Timmih!
Jimmy,"Look, it's my b-body and it's my choice what I put in it!"
Timmy,"Timmih! Timmih, Jimmih!  Arrrh Timmih!  Jimmih!"
Jimmy,Don't lecture me on the complexities of sportsmanship. You know as well as I do most of the kids in Special Olympics aren't shooting up to compete. I'm just trying to k-keep up.
Timmy,Huh... Timmih...  Timmih.
Jimmy,"S-s-s-so what are you gonna do now, huh?! You gonna be a fuckin' narc and show that b-bottle to the... coaches?!  Don't think you're any better than me, Timmy! I'm just living in the real world!  Fuck!"
Timmy,Timmih!  Aaar-yaaaaah Timmih!
Coach,"All right, thirty yards, Timmy! Keep it up!"
Timmy,Oowrrr! Timmih! Livilaye!
Jimmy,Y-yeess! Grrrr!
Coach 2,"Wuh-wow, Jimmy, I can't believe how much you've improved! You're bigger and stronger than I've ever seen you!"
Jimmy,"Yeah, I've been working out... r-really hard."
Coach 2,You keep going like this and you'll break Special Olympics records on Saturday!
Man,"Okay, so this is all the stuff we need to sign Michael in?"
Volunteer,Yup. Just take the sign-up sheet down to the next table and we'll get it all finalized.
Woman,Thank you very much.
Volunteer,"Thank you! Good luck, Michael."
Michael,Thanks.
Volunteer,"Okay, next in line please?"
Cartman,Naaaa! Daaaaa!
Volunteer,Hello there.
Liane,"Hello. Um, I would like to... sign my son up, please."
Cartman,Naaaa!
Volunteer,"Oh, great! What's his name?"
Liane,Eric Cartman...
Cartman,Caaartmaaan! Daaaaa!
Volunteer,Okay. Age?
Liane,He's nine.
Volunteer,"O-kay, and what's his disability?"
Liane,"...Um, he's retarded."
Volunteer,"...N-no, I'm asking what his specific condition is. Down's Syndrome? Cerebral palsy?"
Liane,"Ohhh, oh. I'm not sure.  Sweetie, what is your condition?"
Cartman,...How should I know? I'm retarded. Daaaaa!
Volunteer,I'll just leave that blank for now.
Jimmy,"Yeah, b-bigger, stronger!"
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, hi Timmy. Come on in.  I understand you have somethin' important you wanna talk to me about, m'kay?"
Timmy,Timmy.
Mr. Mackey,"Well, Timmy, as your counselor, I want you to know that you can tell me anything, m'kay? And whatever's troublin' you, I wanna try and, and help you with it."
Timmy,Timmy.
Mr. Mackey,"Mmm'kay, right, you're Timmy. ...Yo-you have a problem?"
Timmy,"No Timmy, Jimmy."
Mr. Mackey,Ji-Jimmy?
Timmy,"Haaa!  Oh, oh!  Jimmy."
Mr. Mackey,"Oh, Jimmy Valmer! Oh, okay, what about him?"
Timmy,"Timmih! Timmih, uh, Jimmih.  Hey Timmy, Timmih Tim-oh! Tim-Timmih!  Timmmih? Jimmih! Jimmih.  Jimmih Timmih Timmih? Timmih, Timmih! Jimmih... Jimmih! Jimmih! Timmih!  Timmih!"
Mr. Mackey,"Mmmmm'kaaay. I don't quite follow, Timmy."
Timmy,Argh. Jimmy...
Mr. Mackey,"Right, Jimmy Valmer."
Timmy,"Uh. , Timmih Jimmih Jimmih Jim-  Jimmh Timmih Timmih Jimmih!"
Mr. Mackey,"Right. He's Jimmy, yeah."
Timmy,Haaaaaaaaaah!
Cartman,Enter.
Kyle,"Cartman, I really, really have a problem with what you're doing. I object to it morally, and I find it grossly offensive."
Cartman,"Go on, Kyle."
Kyle,"I know that I often have serious moral objections to the things that you do, but... this time I think you really need to reconsider, because if you do this, I believe you will go to hell. So I feel it is my responsibility, as your friend, to tell people what you're doing, and to put a stop to it!"
Cartman,"Well, Kyle, I understand where you're coming from, and I appreciate you being so direct. Um, the thing is, you really have kind a warped view on morality because you're Jewish. Now, Kyle, you haven't gone to see Mel Gibson's film, The Passion but-"
Kyle,"I didn't come here to talk about The Passion, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Let me finish. If you had seen The Passion you would know that Hell is reserved for the Jews, and all those who don't accept Christ. That being the case, it is actually me who is worried about your soul."
Kyle,I came here to talk about you!
Cartman,"Yes.  And instead you had to break through yourself. This is really the beginning of a whole new chapter of your life, Kyle.  Good luck."
Jimmy,"Come on, push it! Push it!  Yeah. Nice p-pecs. Sweet b-biceps."
Nancy,"Jimmy, I thought we were meeting at the doughnut shop."
Jimmy,"The Games are in two days, Nancy. I can't be w-wasting my time."
Nancy,I guess I didn't realize I was a waste of time.
Jimmy,Oh Jesus!  You gonna start running your mouth off again?  P-push it! Push it!
Nancy,"Jimmy, everyone's worried about you. You seem... different."
Jimmy,Theh-they're all just... jealous.
Nancy,You're not the boy I fell in love with last week during Free Period. I'm leaving you.
Jimmy,"You're not leaving me! You try to leave me and I'll kill you, bitch!"
Nancy,You can't treat people like this!
Jimmy,"I said, shut your mouth, bitch! Why did you make me do it, huh?!  You're not leavin' anybody! You just keep your G-Goddamned mouth shut and do what you're t-t-t-uh-tol-told!  '"
Sarah Valmer,"What the?  Jimmy, oh my God!"
Jimmy,"Stay away from me, you stupid b-b-b-bitches!  No! God!  '"
Host,"Welcome, everyone, to the 2004 Special Olympics!  We will be holding various throughout the day, and at the end of it all we will have some very special celebrity athletes here to present the trophy for top athlete, along with the cash prize of one thousand dollars."
Jimmy,"Top athlete, yeah! '"
Cartman,"One thousand dollars, yeah!"
Host,So let's have all our athletes report to their first assigned events and... Let the Games begin!
Announcer,Will those athletes in heat 1 of the hundred-meter dash please report to Track Area B.
Volunteer 2,"Okay, racers, are we ready?  Take your marks."
Cartman,Daaaa! Daaaa! '
Volunteer 2,On your marks! Get set! Go!
Cartman,Whoa. What the hell??
Volunteer 2,"Great job, everyone.  You three advance to the next heat."
Winner,All right!
Blond Boy,Good Job.
Blonde Girl,We did it!
Cartman,"Well, guess I'll, guess I'll just have to kick ass in the other events."
Jimmy,Yeeessss!  Yes! Yes!
Announcer,"He's got it! That's a new Special Olympics record, folks!"
Cartman,God-damnit!
Announcer,"Winner, Jimmy Valmer!"
Cartman,"All right, this one I can win!  Here, hold this!  I'll show you Goddamned retards!"
Cartman,God-damnit!
Announcer,That's another Special Olympics record!
Jimmy,"Yeah! Yeah!  Yeah, I did it!  Yeah! Yeah! '"
Host,"Ladies and Gentlemen, our day of competition has come to an end, and we have an ultimate grand special champion for 2004! Here to present the award are baseball legends Mark McGuire, Jason Giambi, and Barry Bonds."
Bonds,The 2004 special athlete is... Jimmy Valmer.
Jimmy,"Yeah! Fuck yeah!  Yeah, I did it! I'm the b-bub-best!  '"
Host,"Congratulations, Jimmy. But we all know that the Special Olympics isn't just about winning. And so, we will now give out the Spirit Award, to the handicapped person who came in very last. Eric Cartman!"
Cartman,"Ah, screw you hippies!"
Host,"For winning the Spirit Award, Eric will receive this gift certificate to Shakey's for fifty dollars! Come on up, Eric!"
Cartman,"...I could pile at Shakey's, heck.  Uh, Drrrr! Drrrr!"
Jimmy,"Hey! Just what the hell do you think you're doing, Eric?! '"
Cartman,"Uhh, hehe. Uh de-duhhhh. '"
Jimmy,"You f-f f-faked being handicapped to win?!  I should k- ick your ass right here, you lousy no-good ch-ch-cheater!"
Timmy,Timmih! '
Jimmy,What?
Timmy,Timmih! '
Jimmy,"Oh my God. You-you're right, Timmy. You're totally right.  Everyone, can I have your attention, please?  I'm afraid I have to give back my medal. The truth is, I haven't been playing fair either. I've been using st-steroids. I was willing to do anything to be the best, and the steroids made me blind to the people I was hurting.  A good friend even tried to talk me out of it, and I wouldn't listen to him.  Taking steroids is just like pretending to be handicapped at the Special Olympics.  Because you're taking all the fairness out of the game. But I know now that even if you do win on steroids, you're really not a winner. You're just a p-pussy. You're just a  big fat p-p-pussy, and if you take steroids, the only decent thing to do is come forward and say,  ""Remove me from the record books, because I am a big, stinky p-pussy- ""  ""-steroid-taking jackass.""  That's how I feel about myself, and why I must decline this medal and my place in the history books. And if you'll let me, I'll be back next year. To compete with honor.  '"
McGuire,Hey kid. Good for you for being honest.
Cartman,"Well guys, I guess now you see what I was up to all along. I dressed up like a handicapped person and lost the Special Olympics on purpose, so that Jimmy could learn his lesson about steroids.  Eh, oh yeah?! We- well you guys are assholes!  Grow up!"
Cartman,Captain Cartman reporting from Shuttlecraft Spontaneity. Approaching planet Omega Nine.
Stan,Warp drive disengaged. Landing sequence initiated.
Cartman,"What kind of atmosphere are you reading on the planet surface, Jew?"
Kyle,I'm a Vulcan!
Cartman,"All right, what kind of atmosphere are you reading, Vulcan Jew?"
Kyle,"The atmosphere is oxygen-based, should support our breathing."
Cartman,"All right, hang on. We're about to land.  Okay, First Officer Stan and Engineer Kenny, you come with me on the away team. Vulcan Jew Kyle will wait here."
Kyle,No! I'm on the away team too!
Cartman,"It's my Mom's new minivan, so I'm the captain, Kyle!"
Kyle,I don't care! You're not making me wait in the van again!
Cartman,"Fine, Kyle! But if something goes wrong out there on the planet surface, don't hold me responsible."
Cartman,Set phasers on stun.
Stan,Things seem pretty quiet.
Cartman,Yes. A little too quiet.
Kyle,I am picking up carbon-based life forms in Sector C. I believe we will find a village of peaceful aliens over that ridge.
Cartman,"Okay, fine, I guess we'll look for- Oh no!! Look out! It's a giant four-headed lava frog! Shoot it!  Oh no, it got Kyle!"
Kyle,No it doesn't.
Cartman,"Aw, it got Kyle and it's tearing his head off!  Aw you guys, it looks like Kyle is done for!"
Kyle,"No I'm not! God damn it Cartman, you're not gonna kill me off again!"
Cartman,"Agh! You see guys, this is why you don't bring Jews along on the away team: they don't play along!"
Kyle,"Shut up about Jews, fatass! You don't know anything!"
Stan,"Oh God, here we go again."
Cartman,"Oh yeah?! I saw Mel Gibson's movie, The Passion, and Mel Gibson says, in the movie, Jews are the Devil!"
Kyle,He does not!
Cartman,"How do you know?! I've seen The Passion thirty-four times now, Kyle! You haven't seen it once! There's even one part where the Jews have a chance to save Jesus, and you know what they do? They let Barabbas, a serial killer, go free instead and laugh about it."
Kyle,Naw uh!
Cartman,"Go see the movie, Kyle!"
Stan,That does it! I'm sick of you guys arguing about The Passion! I'm out of here.
Kenny,(Me too!)
Kyle,I'm not arguing about The Passion! He's being an asshole!
Cartman,"You know what it is? You're scared. You're scared of the truth. You don't want that movie to show you just how bad the Jews are, and why everyone hates you."
Kyle,People don't hate the Jews!
Cartman,"Really? Three hundred million domestic box-office, Kyle. The top-grossing film of all time, Kyle. Those numbers don't lie. If you're not scared of The Passion then go see it. Go see it and tell me I'm wrong. Mel Gibson, Kyle. Mel Gibson."
Kyle,...You're a stupid asshole!
Cartman,"Sweet, now I can just play with myself.  Pewpeww-pewww! Get back in the shuttlecraft!"
Kyle,One please.
Ticket Salesman,This is an R-rated movie.
Kyle,"Yeah, I know, but I have to-"
Ticket Salesman,"But, because this is such an important film that actually depicts the selfless act of Jesus Christ, I'll let you in to see it."
Kyle,...Thanks.
Soldier 1,Hac bashtud Christo.
Soldier 2,Et lac Hesus. Belaca veshtad.
Jesus,Wa!
Kyle,Haaaah!
Jesus,"Non. Non. Nono, non, non, WAAAAHH!!"
Kyle,How? How could the Jews do that to Jesus?
Ticket Salesman,"Pretty brutal, isn't it? Kinda wanna make you change your life, huh?"
Announcer,"And now, back to Terrance and Phillip."
Phillip,"Hey Terrance, I think I have a-"
Cartman,Mom! Doorbell!
Terrance,"Wait, before you do, pull my thumb."
Cartman,Mom! Answer the door!
Terrance,"Hey Phillip, guess what?"
Cartman,"God damn it, lazy-ass whore."
Phillip,What?
Terrance,Faaart.
Kyle,"You were right. You were right all along. I thought you were just an asshole when you ripped on Jews, but... I didn't know, I... I didn't know."
Cartman,"It's okay, Kyle. It's okay. Just... say that first part again?"
Kyle,"You were, you were right?"
Cartman,"Mmm, one more time, Kyle."
Kyle,You were right.
Cartman,"I want to thank you for all the blessings you have brought me. You have shown me the way so many times in the past and... now you are making all my dreams come true. You give me strength when there is doubt, and I praise you for all you have done.  Only you, Mel Gibson, have had the wisdom and the courage to show the world the truth. From this day forward I will dedicate my life to making sure your film is seen by everyone. I will organize the masses so that we may do thy bidding. Hail Mel Gibson. Amen."
Stan,"Look at that, dude. The Passion has made almost 400 million dollars at the box office now."
Kenny,(Goddamn.)
Stan,Everyone in the country's gonna see that movie. I guess... we have to go see it too.
Stan,Dude. That movie sucked.
Kenny,"(Yeah, it totally sucked!)"
Stan,How can they even call that a movie?
Kenny,(I don't know!)
Stan,"That's bullcrap dude, let's go get our money back."
Kenny,(Yeah!)
Jack,"Wow, I didn't realize how horrible Christ's death was."
Elise,"Me neither. Oh honey, let's be good Christians from now on!"
Man 1,I think if more people saw The Passion they'd have faith in Jesus.
Woman 1,"Yeah, it really guilt-trips you into believing."
Stan,"Hey, we want our money back."
Ticket Salesman,Huh?
Stan,That movie sucked ass. Give us back our eighteen dollars.
Ticket Salesman,I can't refund your money. You sat through the whole movie.
Stan,"That wasn't a movie, that was a snuff film!"
Kenny,(Yeah!)
Stan,You can't charge people to watch a guy get tortured for two hours!
Ticket Salesman,"That guy happened to be Jesus, and he went through all that to pay for your sins!"
Stan,"We go to church to learn that stuff! We go to movies to be entertained! We weren't entertained, and we want our money back!"
Ticket Salesman,I'm not allowed to give you your money back after you sat through the whole movie! You'd have to take your complaint up with the film's producers.
Stan,W-what? Mel Gibson? You're saying we have to get our money back from Mel Gibson?
Ticket Salesman,Yeah. I'd like to see you try.
Stan,"Oh, we will! This is America! And in America, if something sucks, you're supposed to be able to get your money back! Come on, Kenny!"
Priests,Kill him! Guilty! Kill him!  Kill him! Kill him! Die!
Kyle,Kill Jesus! Yesss! Arrrgh!
Stan,"Okay, search for Mel Gibson. Mel Gibson bio, Mel Gibson news, Mel Gibson... home page. Here we go.  Welcome to Mel Gibson's ThePassion.com, your source for everything Mel. Pictures, philosophy, upcoming projects. Damn it, no phone number! Oh wait! ""For more information on Mel Gibson, call the Webmaster at 1-800-43.."" Okay, okay, wait, here we go."
Cartman,Mel Gibson's The Passion Fan Club.
Stan,"Hi, uh, my friend and I just went to see The Passion."
Cartman,"Uh huh, and so you want to join the fan club now. Our first meeting is at 5:30 p.m."
Stan,"No, no, no, no, we want our money back."
Cartman,What?
Stan,We think the movie sucked and we want Mel Gibson to give us back our eighteen dollars. Do you know how we can get in touch with him?
Cartman,"You thought it sucked? Sir, apparently, you don't understand what Mel Gibson was trying to do! He was trying to express, through cinema, the horror and filthiness of the common Jew. It has made people the world over open their eyes."
Stan,"Look, kid, we just thought it was a bad movie, so tell us how to get in touch with Mel Gibson so we can get our money back!"
Cartman,"If I knew where Mel Gibson was, I'd be down on the floor licking his balls at this very moment, sir. All I know is he lives somewhere in Malibu. Now stop wasting me and Mel Gibson's time, you little wussy prick."
Stan,"Hey, don't take that tone with me, kid! I'll kick your ass!"
Cartman,"Oh yeah?! I'd like to see you try, asshole! I'm like six feet tall!"
Stan,I don't care! You sound like a little bitch to me!
Cartman,Bitch?! Don't call me bitch! I'll pop your fuckin' head open!
Stan,"Yeah?! You wanna bring it, you little pussy?!"
Cartman,"I already brought it, bitch! I brought it, set it down on the table and opened it, bitch!"
Stan,Wait a minute. Cartman?!
Cartman,Eup.
Stan,"Come on, Kenny, we're going to Malibu!"
Kenny,(Malibu? But how?)
Stan,"We'll take the bus! Look, this isn't about the eighteen dollars ticket money anymore. This is about being able to hold bad filmmakers responsible!  This is just like when we got our money back for BASEketball!"
Liane,"Eric, sweetie, there's a bunch of people showing up in our backyard saying something about a meeting?"
Cartman,"Yeah Mom, I'm holding a meeting for all the people who loved The Passion as much as I did."
Liane,"Oh, that's great, sweetie."
Cartman,Tell them I'll be down shortly
Liane,"Okay, hon."
Cartman,"Töten sie die Juden. Wir können nicht still stehen bis sie alle tot sind! Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready to do thy bidding, Mel Gibson."
Man 1,"Hello, are you folks holding this Passion meeting?"
Jack,"No. Actually, we're guests as well. I'm Jack Garrett and this is my wife Elise."
Elise,Hello.
Man 2,I think it's so great that someone took the initiative to have a meeting like this.
Elise,Oh I agree. There are so many of us who are moved by The Passion. It's a perfect idea to have us organize so we can strengthen the Christian community.
Man 2,And apparently the organizer is just an eight year old boy who was touched by the film.
Jack,"Leave it to a child to show us all the way, huh?"
Ticket Salesman,"Yeah, so I see this ad on the Internet saying if you love The Passion to come to this meeting, so here I am!"
Woman 2,It's great that everyone came here to figure out how to use The Passion to enrich everyone's lives.
Cartman,"Ah, hello everyone. Achtung.  My name is Eric Cartman and I'm the President of the Mel Gibson Fan Club.  Ah thank you, thank you. I'm happy to see that all of you.were affected by The Passion like I was. Now, we all know why we're here, and I believe we all what needs to be done."
Woman 3,We sure do.
Cartman,"But, I think it's best we don't talk out loud about it until we have most of them on the trains heading to the camps."
Elise,"Wha- what does that mean, sweetie?"
Jack,"I'm not sure, but- uh.  Folks, I just wanna interrupt for a second and say how remarkable it is that this little boy brought us all together. The Passion is causing a revolution of spirituality, and we owe Mel Gibson and this little boy our thanks."
Cartman,"Thank you, thank you very much. Now, in order to do what we  all know needs to be done, we are first going to need more support. I think we should all go out and take at least one other person to see The Passion."
Man 3,"Oh, what a great idea! We each make it our responsibility to convert one more person!"
Guests,"Heheh, great! Yeah! Great idea."
Cartman,"Yes, and then we can begin the cleansing, if you know what I mean."
Ticket Salesman,We sure do!
Guests,Yeah. All right. Woohoo!
Stan,"Thank you.  This must be the place.  Goddamn, Mel Gibson must be loaded."
Mel,Yes?
Stan,"Oh, hi, uh, my name is Stan, and this is Kenny."
Kenny,(Hello.)
Stan,"Uh, we saw your movie, The Passion, and we didn't like it, so, can we have our money back, please?"
Mel,You can't not like The Passion! I just followed the Bible! Christ died for you. Go home.
Stan,"Look, dude, we came a long way. We're not leaving until you give us our money."
Mel,"Oh yeah? Well you're gonna have to find it first.  But I won't tell you where I keep my money.  You can torture me all you want, I still won't tell you!"
Stan,Tor- torture you?
Mel,"Ha! So you do intend to torture me, huh?!  Well go ahead! Do your worst!  You still won't get your ticket money back! I can take whatever you can dish out!"
Stan,We don't want to torture you.
Mel,"I get it, but you don't have a choice, is that it?! Well go ahead! I just sure hope you don't use those whips over there on the wall!"
Stan,"Dude, can we please just have the eighteen dollars back from you?"
Mel,"I have to use that money to build my church! I brought the fire and brimstone back to Christianity with The Passion and now I'm gonna start my own church! And do you know why?! So I can play banjo!  Jesus, oh how I love ya, how I love ya Jesus!"
Stan,"Dude, this guy is freakin' daffy!"
Mel,How dare you call me crazy! This means war!
Father Maxi,"And so it was that God sent his only son down from heaven, to die for our sins."
Kyle,"Oh okay, but did God sent Jesus TO die, or did Jesus just get kind of screwed over."
Father Maxi,"...What is troubling you, my child?"
Kyle,"Well, I have this friend, see? And this friend belongs to a certain, Chosen People of Israel. And it... so happens that these chosen people killed your Lord."
Father Maxi,Ah! You mean he's a Jew!
Kyle,"Right. But he can't live with the guilt anymore. Because, even if Jesus wasn't really the Son of God, he was still a nice guy. And he didn't deserve what happened to him in Mel Gibson's movie. I I can't sleep at night. I mean, my... friend can't sleep at night."
Father Maxi,"Yes, The Passion is very powerful. The truth is, there's not a whole lot in the Bible about the Crucifixion. The Passion was actually done as a performance piece back in the Middle Ages to incite people against the Jews."
Kyle,But how can the Jews make it better??
Father Maxi,"Well, if you really care about your friend's soul, then perhaps show him the way of Jesus. Remember: Christianity is about atonement."
Kyle,"Wait. That's it. Atonement. Of course.  I know what I have to do now. Thank you, Father."
Stan and Kenny,Aaaah!
Mel,"Two days ago, I saw a vehicle that would haul that tanker. You wanna get outta here? Talk to me."
Stan,Mel Gibson is fucking crazy dude!  Wait! There's his wallet!
Mel,Freedom!
Stan,"Awww crap, he's only got twenties! You got two dollars, Kenny?"
Mel,Jesus is Lord! &gt; /&gt;
Stan,"All right, let's get the hell out of here!"
Mel,"When you're a clown, nobody takes you seriously!"
Stan,"Aah! Run, dude, run!"
Mel,"K'plagh! K'plagh! And good evening, frieeeeeeends!"
Cartman,"One month ago today, this amazing film opened in theaters. And now, we proud few gather here as a people brought together by its message!  Fellow fans of Mel Gibson, our numbers have grown and now, together, we have the power to change the world!  Now I believe we should take to the streets and march in unwavering support of this important movie!"
Ticket Salesman,Woah! Great idea!
Man 3,It'll be like a parade!
Man 4,Good idea!
Cartman,"And as we march for The Passion we should also voice our support! So, when I say ""Es ist Zeit für Säuberung,"" you all chant back ""Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten."""
Elise,"Well, what does that mean, dear?"
Jack,"Oh, I think it's Aramaic. You know, like in the movie."
Ticket Salesman,"Ooo, Aramaic. Cool."
Townsfolk,Neato! That'll be awesome. Great!
Jack,What was our Aramaic line again?
Cartman,Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!!
Townsfolk,Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.
Cartman,Es ist Zeit fër Rache!
Townsfolk,Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.
Elise,"Oh, this is fun!"
Cartman,"All right, everyone! Forward, march!  Es ist Zeit für Rache!"
Townsfolk,Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.
Cartman,Es ist Zeit für Rache!
Townsfolk,Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.
Cartman,Nice.
Rabbi,"Shalom hak nak shalom. And now one of our fine young shlokas, Kyle Broflovski, has asked if he could speak to the congregation."
Kyle,"Thank you, rabbi.  In 1973, the United States officially issued an apology to the African American community for slavery. In 1956, Germany officially apologized for World War II AND the Holocaust. And now, I believe, in 2004, the Jewish community needs to apologize for the death of Jesus."
Man 4,What?
Sheila,Whatwhatwhaaat?!
Kyle,"If we as a people choose not to believe that Jesus is the Son of God, then we can still apologize for the brutal way in which he was killed, and take our share of the responsibility for it."
Man 5,Oh my God!
Gerald,"Kyle, what on earth has gotten into you?!"
Kyle,I saw The Passion!
Man 6,Oh no! The Passion?!
Man 7,This proves the anti-Semitic effect that movie is having!
Man 8,"Yeah, it makes Jews into stereotypes."
Man 9,Stereotyping Jews is terrible.
Woman 4,Something must be done to stop that movie!
Rabbi,"Now, now, everyone calm down. We live in a rational community, and everyone knows this is just a movie. There's no cause for alarm."
Mob,Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!
Cartman,Es ist Zeit für Rache!
Mob,Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!
Cartman,Es ist Zeit für Rache!
Mob,Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!
Cartman,Es ist Zeit für Rache!
Stan,Well it looks like with these bus tickets we spend about eighty... seven dollars getting our money back from Mel Gibson.  But I think it's the principle of the thing that matters.
Kenny,(Yeah. I agree.)
Stan,"Oh, you've got to be shittin' me."
Mel,Give me back my money!
Stan,"Goddamn, that guy's crazy.  Hey dude, you've gotta speed up."
Driver,Huh?
Stan,Mel Gibson is chasing after us. You've gotta go faster.
Driver,"Haha, very funny, kid. Sit down and stop playing games."
Stan,I'm not playing games. Mel Gibson is right behind you and he's gonna-
Driver,What the hell?
Mel,Haaaa! K'Plaaaa!
Driver,Hey! That's Mel Gibson!
Stan,Yeah. I told you that!
Driver,"Well, what the hell does he want?!"
Stan,"He wouldn't give us our money back for The Passion, so we kinda took it."
Driver,You didn't like The Passion? But it shows how Christ suffered for you. Mel Gibson is a very spiritual man.
Kyle,"Both you guys, stop! Please. You're gonna make people hate us more!"
Ticket Salesman,Can I help you?
Rabbi,This movie is causing anti-Semitism! You must remove it from your theater!
Congregants,That's right! Yeah! Remove your movie!
Shlomo,Remove it from the theater? Fat chance!
Man 10,We demand you stop showing it!
Congregants,Yeah! Yeah!
Kyle,"No, no, no! Don't become an angry mob!  The last time we did that we killed Jesus!"
Cartman,Juden!
Jack,What's going on here?
Ticket Salesman,They're trying to have The Passion pulled from the theater.
Rabbi,This film is anti-Semitic and it must be stopped!
Man 11,Nonsense! Mel Gibson is a smart and spiritual man! There's nothing anti-Semitic about it!
Elise,It has reaffirmed all of our faith in Christ.
Rabbi,It's made one of our little Jewish boys want to apologize for the death of Jesus!
Jack,"Well, maybe you should apologize."
Mob,That's right! What he said.
Woman 5,How dare you?!
Kyle,Look out!!
Mel,Give me my eighteen dollars!
Cartman,"Mel! Gibson!  Oh mein Savior! Mein Führer! You're actually here! Mr. Gibson, I have assembled the masses! We are ready to do thy bidding!  Have I been a good boy, Mr. Gibson?!"
Mel,"Ha!  So! You boys have led me here to your secret base, huh? I guess now you're gonna start torturing me! Well!  Oh, my nipples are so tender! Don't squeeze them anymore!"
Ticket Salesman,That's... Mel Gibson?
Jack,H- he's not... quite as eloquent as I had pictured.
Mel,"Yeah...  I'll bet you wanna torture me now, don't you?!"
Kyle,"Dude, what's wrong with him?"
Stan,"He's koo-koo, dude. He's absolutely out of his mind."
Mel,"You! You would all love to torture me, wouldn't you?  Okay, fine. See what you can fit in there, I can take it!"
Kyle,Dude! I've been freaked out this whole time because of that guy's movie?
Mel,"Fine! If nobody here is man enough to torture me, then just give me my eighteen dollars!"
Stan,It's our eighteen dollars! Your movie sucked!
Mel,"You can't say my movie sucked, or else you're saying Christianity sucked!"
Stan,"No, dude, if you wanna be Christian, that's cool, but, you should follow what Jesus taught instead of how he got killed. Focusing on how he got killed is what people did in the Dark Ages and it ends up with really bad results."
Jack,"You know, he's right, Elise. We shouldn't focus our faith on the torture and execution of Christ."
Ticket Salesman,Yeah. Lots of people got crucified in those times. We shouldn't rely on violence to inspire faith.
Cartman,"Aw, aw, no, come on, people, we're so close to completing my final solution!"
Kyle,"Oh, dude, I feel so much better about being Jewish now that I see that Mel Gibson is just a big wacko douche."
Mel,Woohoohoo! Woohoohoohoohoo!
Cartman,"Dude, these little remote-controlled cars are kickass."
Kyle,Sweet. I made mine go off the jump.
Stan,"Dude, my car sucks. I gotta get a new one."
Kyle,"Hey, who are those kids?"
Boombox,"Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me!Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me!Let's see you...! Let's see you...!Let's see you...! Let's see you...!Daaance, sucka!Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me!Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me!Let's see you daaance-"
OC Leader,"Yeah, how you like that y'all!"
OC Member 1,Let's bring it to these losers.
OC Girl,Aww yeah!
OC Leader,"Whatchoo got, huh?! You got nothin'!  Damn! You just got served!  Aww man!"
OC Girl,"He got you, dude."
OC Leader,Now that kid is gettin' served!
OC Girl,Uh huh.
OC,Whoa!
OC Leader,"Aww man, look at them! They know they can't trip to that!  Yeah! We're outta here!"
OC Member 2,That was smokin'!
OC Member 1,They didn't do nothin'!
OC Member 3,"Sorry y'all, but try not to let it sting too bad!"
OC Leader,You got served!  Come on! They had nothin'! Let's go y'all!
OC Member,Come on y'all!
Kyle,...What the hell just happened?
Chef,"Oh. Hello there, children!"
Stan,"Chef, we just got served."
Chef,"Oh boy... Well come on inside, children. I'll make you some cocoa."
Chef,"Have a seat, children. Just try to relax and breathe.  Are you all okay?"
Kyle,Yeah.
Chef,"All right. Now, where did you get served?"
Stan,"Over at the True Value parking lot. There were just these kids we never saw before showed up and they were like, really good dancers and, we don't really understand what it means, but I guess-"
Chef,"Okay okay, relax children. Relax. It's all over now. Just try to calm down and sit tight.  I'm gonna call your parents and let them know you're okay.  Mrs. Marsh? Hi, it's Chef. Yeah, I'm good. Listen: Stan and his friends just got served. Yeah. Yeah, over at the True Value. No no, he's fine. They're all fine. Yeah, it was some kids from out of town. Apparently they were pretty good dancers. They really let 'em have it."
Sharon,"Here, Stanley, I made your favorite potato dish. I want you to feel better, okay."
Randy,What's the matter with him?
Sharon,Oh. Stan got served at school today.
Randy,You got served? By who?
Stan,"Some, kids from Orange County."
Sharon,Let's not make a big deal out of it.
Randy,So wha- so what'd you do? D'you dance back?
Stan,No.
Randy,What? Yo-you got served and just stood there and took it?
Sharon,That was the right thing to do.
Randy,"No, that's crap, Sharon. Stanley, when somebody challenges you to dance, you have to dance back at them, or else they'll think you're weak."
Stan,"But Dad, I don't know how to dance or nothin'."
Randy,"Well then, it's about time you learned!  Put on some loose-fitting clothes and meet me in the garage!"
Stan,But Dad-
Randy,Now!
Randy,"All right son, dancing is all about a frame of mind. Now, I'm not telling you to go around challenging other kids to dance, but when they challenge you, you just look 'em straight in the eye, and give 'em this.  Come on, Stan.  ...six, seven, eight."
Kyle,"Dude, that is a sweet RC car!"
Stan,"Yeah, let's go race it right now!"
OC Member 2,"Well, what we got here?"
OC Member 1,It's the white boys that were served yesterday.
OC Leader,"You want a little more, homeboys?"
Kyle,"We're not interested, thanks."
OC Member 1,You're not interested? Not interested in this?
Boombox,"You can't step to my roots, so don't try it.You can’t burn with my group so don’t light it.I'm on the OC crew and I'm better than you.You like to suck my balls, don't deny it.You can't bop her like me so don't go there.You never find a bigger bitch player nowhere.I put my jimmy in a ho, put off soul.I'm a good listener and that's rare."
Black Man,"Oh Lord, look at those moves."
Black Woman,"Oooo, they are takin' it out!"
Black Man 2,"Oh man, they are getting served!"
Black Woman 2,"Ooooo, it's getting hot out here!"
Black Man 3,Have mercy!
Others,"Oooooo, look at that! Lord! Gettin' served!"
Kyle,Yeah! Go Stan!
Chef,"Oh no!  No, stop Stan! You don't know what you're doin'!"
Kyle,All right Stan!
Cartman,Ha! You just got f'd in the a!
OC Leader,Wha?
Kyle,Yeah! You got served!
Kenny,(Woohoo!)
Cartman,Yeah!
Kyle,That's right!
Cartman,All right!
Kenny,(Woohoo!)
Chef,No no no!
OC Leader,"Okay. All right. We got served. So now, I guess... It's on."
Stan,What?
OC Member 1,This Saturday! Our top five dancers against your top five dancers! OC Convention Center. It's on!
OC Members,It's on! It's on! It's on! It's on!
Townsman,Oh Lord it's on!
Chef,Oh dammit! I knew that was gonna happen.
OC Member 3,"We'll see you Saturday, fools!"
OC Members,"Yeah, and you'd better have a lot better dancers with you than those loozas! 'Cause it's on!"
OC Members,It's on! It's on! It's on! It's on!
Chef,"Stan, what the hell did you dance back for?"
Stan,I thought I was supposed to!
Chef,Now you've gotta compete against them in the dance competition on Saturday!
Stan,But why?
Chef,"Because if you get served and served them back, then it's on! Don't you know anything??"
Sharon,"Well, nice going, Randy! Really great advice you gave our son here!"
Randy,What?
Sharon,Those kids showed up to serve Stan again and he danced back!
Randy,So what happened?
Sharon,It's on!
Coach,"Come on now, keep it tight!  Good. Now watch that timing, drill team!"
OC Member 1,All right!
OC Girl,All right!
OC Leader,"Yeah, bad ass!"
OC Member 2,"Yeah, that was tight!"
Coach,"Not bad, kids. Not bad."
OC Member 1,Not bad? South Park doesn't stand a chance!
OC Girl,I heard that!
Coach,"All right, it was good. But we don't want ""good,"" we want pain!"
Randy,"Uh, hey, ex- excuse me."
Coach,Yeah?
Randy,"Hi, uh, my name is Randy Marsh. I'm I'm Stan Marsh's father."
Coach,"Oh, so you're the father of the boy who's gonna get f'd in the a on Saturday?"
OC Member 3,Dang!
OC Leader,Oooooo!
Randy,"Uh, listen. Uh, it was my fault that Stanley served your boys the other day. Uh, I told him to do it and I... We- well look I, I just came down here to tell you... it-  it- it's not on."
Coach,"Oh, it's on!"
Randy,"No, no, no, it's not on."
Coach,"Whoo, it's on all right!"
Randy,It isn't on. Nothing's on. It's off.
Coach,It's on!
Randy,I'm keeping my son home Saturday. I just came by to let you know so you can... put a stop to all this. Goodbye.
Coach,"Hold on a second, clam-head!  You think you can just roll in here and tell us it's not on when it very clearly is on?! You're just trying to make us not practice, aren't you?! Because you know that your kids are goin' down when my kids give them this! Give me some moves out, Girl T!  Check this out!  Yeah! You like that?!"
OC Leader,Oooo man!
OC Member 1,Ohhh Lord!
OC Leader,"Oooo, he is gettin' served!"
Randy,"Aw, mph! Uuuugh-ah."
Sharon,"Randy?  Randy, oh my God!"
Skeeter,"What happened to him, Doctor?"
Dr. Doctor,He got served. Worst I've ever seen.
Jimbo,"Old fool went down to the OC to try to reason with the other team, and he got served up somethin' fierce."
Chef,Oh Lord...
Randy,"His dancing was so fast I... couldn't do anything. His moves were... so original, so inventive.  Ungh! Grrgh."
Nurse,"Shh. Relax, Mr. Marsh."
Dr. Doctor,We just got the X-rays back.  He mostly got served here  and here . But the worst serving was here in the pelvis region. The road to recovery will be a long one.
Jimbo,"Boy. You must really wanna take to to those Orange County kids now, huh, Stan?"
Skeeter,Are you kiddin'? Stan is probably ready to pounce on them after what they did to his father!
Stan,"I, I don't know. He seems all right."
Mr. Garrison,"I could only imagine the rage building inside you, Stan. I bet you can't wait to out-dance those OC bastards!"
Randy,Stan? Stan?
Stan,"Yeah, I'm- I'm right here, Dad."
Randy,"Stan, listen to me. I don't want you feeling like you have to do that competition now to avenge me."
Stan,"Okay, good."
Randy,"But I know I can't stop you from doing it. So all I can say is... give 'em hell, son. Give 'em hell."
Stan,God dammit!
Stan,"Hey guys. Uh- You guys know how to dance, right?"
Michael,Of course we know how to dance.
Stan,"Cool, because, there's this competition on Saturday, and I have to find the very best dancers in South Park to be on my crew. My friends can't do it because they suck ass, so, will you be in my dance troupe?"
Pete,Dance troupe? Please.  We don't dance like those Britney and Justin wannabes at school.  Goth kids dance to express pain and suffering.
Michael,Yeah.  The only cool way to dance is to keep your hands at your sides and your eyes looking at the ground. Then every three seconds you take a drag from your cigarette.
Stan,"Okay, that'll work fine. Listen, there's a dance competition this Saturday and I need good dancers so I don't get served."
Pete,No way. Dancing is something you do alone in your room at three in the morning.
Stan,"Please, you guys, our whole town's reputation is at stake! Will any of you do it?"
Pete,I'm not doin' it. Being in a dance group is totally conformist.
Henrietta,Yeah. I'm not conforming to some dance-off regulations.
Firkle,I'm not doin' it either. I'm the biggest nonconformist of all.
Michael,"I'm such a nonconformist that I'm not going to conform with the rest of you. Okay, I'll do it."
Stan,Great!
Henrietta,Whoa. I think we just got put in our place.
Pete,Yeah. We just got Goth-served.
Stan,"All right, we gotta find three other kids that can dance."
Michael,We should go to the arcade.
Stan,The arcade?
Michael,Yeah. There's this Asian kid name Yao. He's an expert at that Dance Dance Revolution game.
Stan,"Dude, he's incredible."
Michael,He should be. He's here playing that game every single day after school. I think he's spent about six thousand dollars on it so far.
Stan,"Hey kid, you're pretty good. How would you like to join our dance troupe?"
Yao,"You mean, dancing without a machine telling you what to do?"
Stan,Yeah.
Yao,That's stupid.
Stan,"Dude, we need you."
Yao,I can't dance without the machine.
Stan,It's all right. My friend Chef is gonna coach us.
Yao,Okay. I'll give it a shot.
Stan,"All right, that's three!"
Michael,"Dude, we need a girl."
Stan,Huh?
Michael,We can't be a dance troupe with just guys. People will think we're fags.
Stan,Oh yeah.  Wait a minute. I know just where to go!
Porsche,"Hi guys, welcome to Raisins. Three of you?"
Stan,Ah actually we were just hoping we could talk to you guys real quick.
Maury,You have to buy wings if you wanna talk to the Raisins girls.
Stan,And so we're putting all the best dancers in South Park together to beat Orange County.
Mercedes,"Wow, that sounds great. I always wanted to try my dancing somewhere else."
Stan,So you'll do it?
Mercedes,Why not?
Stan,"All right, we just need one more person!"
Mercedes,"Hey, we should get that kid that was state champion in tap dancing."
Stan,What? The state tap champion is from here? Who?
Mercedes,I think his name was...  Leopold... Stotch or something?
Stan,Leopold Stotch...? Wait a minute. You mean...
Butters,"Loo loo loo, I've got some apples. Loo loo loo, you've got some too. Loo loo loo, I've-"
Linda,"Butters, you have some visitors."
Butters,"Oh well, hi there everybody."
Stan,"Butters, listen. There's gonna be a competition this Saturday, and we want you to join our troupe."
Butters,"Wow, neat-o, a competition? Why, I'd love to. What kind of competition is it?"
Stan,It's a dance-off. We heard you were tap dancing state champion two years ago.
Butters,...No.
Stan,"But, you were, weren't you? Y-you went to the nationals in Nebraska."
Butters,"No.  No no no no no no, no!  No! No no no no!"
Linda,Butters?  Butters?!
Stan,We just asked him to join our dance troupe. We heard he was state tap champion.
Linda,"Oh. Oh dear. I'm sorry kids, it's just that... Butters hasn't danced since the tragedy."
Mercedes,A tragedy?
Butters,Waaaaah!
Linda,"I'm sorry, kids, you'll have to go."
Stan,"Dammit, where are we gonna get our fifth member?"
Yao,Hey I heard about this guy in Como who has a duck that can dance.
Stan,"A duck? Dude, don't be stupid! Those OC kids are professional dancers! Now come on, there's gotta be one other talented person in South Park."
Butters,Aaaaah!  Aaaaah!
Stan,"All right, so you're sure he can dance?"
Rancher,Oh yeah. There he is. That's Jeffy.
Yao,That don't look like a dancing duck to me.
Rancher,"Well, that's 'cause it needs music. Here y-here ya go, Jeffy. You'll do a line and I'll do a line, honeeey.You'll do a line and I'll do a line, babe.You'll do a line and I'll do a line, we'll fight an' screw 'til the mornin' time.Honey, babe, be mine.You'll do a line and I'll do a line, honey-"
Stan,"Hey, he- Is that the only song he'll dance to?"
Rancher,"No no, he'll dance to anything. See?You'll snort K and I'll snort K, honeeey.You'll snort K and I'll snort K, babe.You'll snort K and I'll snort K, we'll fight an' screw all night and day.Honey, babe, be mine."
Stan,"My friends, I think we have ourselves a dance troupe."
Linda,"Butters? Butters? Come on, sweetie, it's gonna be okay.  Come on, Butters. You went through a lot of therapy for this. That was almost two years ago, sweetie."
Butters,Two years ago. Two years ago!
Announcer,"That was Beverly Long from Indianapolis, folks. Let her hear it!  All right, and now, dancing to the song ""I've Got Something In My Front Pocket For You,"" here is Colorado state champion, Leopold ""Butters"" Stotch!"
Singer,"I've got something in my front pocket for youWhy don't you reach down in my pocket and see what it isThen grab onto it, it's just for youGive a little squeeze and say, ""How do you do?""There's something in my front pocket, There's something in my front pocket,There's something in my front pocket-"
Butters,Whoops.
Woman,Paul. Paul!
Butters,Wuuuhaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaah!  No! Nooo! Noooooooooooooooo!
Chef,"All right, children, let's get to rehearsin'!  We don't have much time, and you've got to become the dance group you can be.  I think we should-  Whoa.  This... is the dance troupe?"
Stan,"Yeah, dude, the best dancers South Park has to offer."
Chef,"Oh boy.  All right, well, why don't you show me what you got? I wanna see what you kids can do!"
Boombox,"You can't step to my roots, so don't try it.You can’t burn with my group so don’t light it.I'm on the East-side crew and I'm better than you.You like to suck my balls, don't deny it.You can't bop her like me so don't go there.You never find a bigger bitch player nowhere.I put my jimmy in a ho, put off soul.I'm a good listener and that's rare."
Chef,"Oh Lord have mercy.  Children, children! No no, you've got it all wrong. Don't you see, children? You have the heart, but you don't have the soul. No no, wait. You have the soul, but you don't have the heart.  No no, scratch that. You have the heart and the soul, but you don't have the talent."
Stan,"We're gonna get served on Saturday, aren't we?"
Yao,What? I don't wanna get served.
Mercedes,"Yeah, you didn't tell us that we might get served."
Stan,Well that was the whole point of the whole thing was that the guys came back and they said we were gonna get served and we were like-
Chef,"All right all right, quiet, children! Now, nobody's getting served if I can help it. We just gotta buckle down, dig deep, and pray that maybe the other team comes down with cancer."
Butters,What do you want?
Stan,"I came to ask you one more time to join the crew. Everyone is practicing really hard, but... I don't think we have any kind of shot without you."
Butters,"Sorry, Stan, I'm not a dancer anymore.  I gave that up."
Stan,Your mom says you were one of the best dancers in the country.
Butters,Did she also tell you my dancing got eight people killed?
Stan,Yeah. She said your shoe came off. It wasn't your fault
Butters,"Yeah well, you tell that to their families."
Stan,"Look, Butters, accidents happen. We all have to live with that."
Butters,"I let those people down! Don't you get it, man?! Eight people died!"
Stan,"Well, it was nine, actually. One of the women was pregnant."
Butters,What?
Stan,And eleven if you count the two family members that killed themselves afterward.
Butters,Aaaah!
Stan,"But that isn't the point, Butters!  The point is that this is now! It's on! And there are people who need you to step up! Look, nobody likes having to rise to a challenge. But competing against other people and getting in their faces saying ""Haha! I'm better than you!"" is part of life. And if you can't face that, then you might as well sit here and play Legos until you're an old man."
Butters,"Get out of my room, Stan."
Stan,"Fine.  But someday you're gonna have to stop running from what happened and start dealing with it. Otherwise, you might as well move to France with all the other pussies."
MC,"Yeah, make some noise!  Ladies and Gentlemen,  man, you are all in for a treat! Whichever crew wins tonight, you wanna remember their faces, 'cause the next time you see them... will be in Lil Kim's next video! Give it up for Lil Kim!"
Lil Kim,"What's up, niggaz?!"
MC,"This is gonna be a rough battle, y'all. So let's give it up for the OC Crew!  And the challengers, the South Park Diggitys!"
Jimbo,"Man, it is about to get crazy up in here."
Mr. Garrison,"Aww, yeah."
MC,A'ight y'all. It's showtime!
Announcer,Dancers to the floor!
Mercedes,"Stan. Stan, we have a big problem!"
Stan,What?
Mercedes,It's Jeffy. He sprained his ankle.
Stan,What happened??
Mercedes,He was practicing the six-eight count and slipped on the floor.
OC Member 3,"Come on, fools! You dancin' or what?!"
Yao,Can he move it?
Stan,"Aw, what do we do, Chef?!"
Chef,"Rules are you have to have five dancers. We have no choice, children. We have to forfeit."
OC Member 1,Looks like they ain't even gonna dance.
OC Leader,They're too scared! Looks like they already got served!
Butters,Hey! Can I still dance with you guys?
Stan,Butters!
Chef,All right!
MC,"All right come on, let's do this! DJ! Give us a hot track!"
CD,"Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me!Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me!Let's see you...! Let's see you...!Daaance, sucka!Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me!Let's see you daaance."
Butters,"Waaah!  No! Jesus, not again!"
OC Member 1,Aaaah!
OC Member 3,Get out of here!
MC,"Folks, it looks like the OC crew is dead.  That means the winner is the South Park Diggitys!"
Skeeter,Woo!
Mr. Garrison,Yeah!
Jimbo,All right!
Chef,All right! We did it!
Stan,All right Butters!
Yao,You did it!
Randy,"You did it, son! You did it!"
Cartman,"All right, Butters!"
Butters,No! No! Noooooo!
Butters,"What the heck?  Whoa! What a huge package!  ""To Butters Stotch.""  Oh boy! It's for me! It's for me!  Who is it from? ""Sent from: Japan. Konichi-wa.""  Wow! A package for me from Japan!!  Wow, what can it be? My birthday isn't until September 11.  Oh boy! I've never gotten a package this big! I've always wanted to have a huge package."
Cartman,Greetings. I am the AWESOM-O 4000.
Butters,Whoa...
Cartman,I have been sent from Japan to serve as your personal robot.
Butters,You... you're my robot?
Cartman,Yes. I will be your new best friend.
Butters,Oh wow!
Butters,"Yep. That's right. He's a real live robot. He can walk and talk and everything. You're like the fourth kid I told already.  Well I gotta go Dougie. My robot and I have stuff to do.  Heheh, they're all so jealous!  I'm so glad you came into my life, AWESOM-O. You're the best friend a guy could have."
Cartman,"Yes. You can trust AWESOM-O. In fact, you should tell AWESOM-O all your most personal secrets. AWESOM-O will not make fun of you or tell your secrets to other people and stuff."
Butters,"Hey yeah! Well, I can tell you anything, huh?  Well lessee... Well, for one, I have what's called a hesiated colon, which means I sometime can't control my sphincter."
Cartman,Really?
Butters,"Well, nobody knows it, but sometimes I poop my pants, so I have to wear a diaper to school.  You okay, AWESOM-O?"
Cartman,Yes. AWESOM-O is fine. Please go on.
Butters,"Well, I have to take medicine for it every day. It's a little suppository I have to... put up my rectum."
Cartman,"That, that's very interesting. Tell AWESOM-O more secrets."
Butters,"Hm, okay. Let's see  Oh, my parents don't know, but sometimes I get picked on by this one kid at school; his name is Eric Cartman, and he always tries to play jokes on me and stuff."
Cartman,"Oh, really?"
Butters,"Yeah. One time he made me think a meteor had hit the earth, and convinced me to stay down in a bomb shelter for three days."
Cartman,"Heh. Wow, that sucks."
Butters,"Yeah. And then this other time, he pretended to be me on the phone to my dad and called him a pussy, so my dad came home and beat me."
Cartman,Wow. Sounds like this Cartman kid is pretty smart.
Butters,"No, he's not smart! He's just an asshole. And he's never gonna play on me ever again!"
Cartman,"Really? You think so? Well, guess what, Butters. I have a surprise for you."
Butters,"Yeah, and he's never gonna get me again! 'Cause what Cartman doesn't know is that I know one of his secrets!"
Cartman,What?
Butters,"When Cartman is playing all alone in his backyard, he likes to dress up like Britney Spears and pretend he's her! He sings and dances around with a life-sized cutout of Justin Timberlake."
Cartman,You saw that?
Butters,Yeah! And I videotaped him doing it!
Cartman,Nuh uh.
Butters,I've got the whole thing on tape! Even him making out with the Justin Timberlake cutout!
Cartman,No way.
Butters,"Yeah! And if Cartman ever messes with me again, I'm gonna show that video to everybody! Then I'll have my revenge, boy howdy!"
Cartman,"...Um, where is this videotape, Butters?"
Butters,"Huh? Oh, I dunno. It's around here somewhere. Hey! So what do you wanna do now, AWESOM-O?"
Cartman,"Uh, Butters, maybe you should give AWESOM-O the videotape?"
Butters,How come?
Cartman,"Well, because... AWESOM-O can, like, back it up for you, and make copies and stuff. I am AWESOM-O."
Butters,"Oh, that's all right, AWESOM-O. Come on! I have a lot of things to teach you."
Cartman,"Oh, son of a bitch!"
Butters,"Hey there have you heard about my robot friend?He's metal and small and doesn't judge me at all.He's a cyber, wired bundle of joy.My robot friend.I like to dip and daddle with my robot friend.He's smart as can be and emotion-freeAnd he's computed his way to my heart.My robot friend.My robot friend.My robot friend.My robot... friend."
Linda,"Oohhh, that's so cute. Did you see Butters and his friend Eric playing Robot."
Stephen,Yes. Those boys are quite imaginative. Leave it to them to find a fun way to do the dishes.
Butters,That's great AWESOM-O!  You can carry all my laundry in one trip!
Linda,"Ah, Butters, it's getting late. You should be getting ready for bed soon."
Butters,"Okay Mom. Well, come on, AWESOM-O. Bedtime."
Linda,"Oh, is your little robot friend staying the night?"
Butters,"Well of course he is. He's my robot, ain't he?"
Linda,"That's okay with your mom, Mr. Robot?"
Cartman,AWESOM-O does not have a mom.
Butters,"Yep! Don't you know nothin' about robot? Come on, AWESOM-O! You can put my laundry away!"
Linda,"Aw, that's just adorable."
Stephen,It's good to see Butters finally have a friend that wants to stay over.
Butters,"I love to brush my teeth! In the mornin' and at night!To keep 'em white and healthy, I got to brush them all the time!"
Cartman,"Grrr. Jesus Christ I can't go on like this.  Butters, remember when you said you had a video of Eric Cartman dressed like Britney Spears?"
Butters,Oh. Yeah.
Cartman,I would like to see what he looks like so I can beat him up for you. May I see the video?
Butters,"Awww, you don't need to do that, AWESOM-O. Hey, I gotta put in my suppository.  Can you help me?"
Cartman,What?
Butters,Remember I said I put that medicinal suppository in my anus? It'll be so much easier havin' you do it from now on.
Cartman,"Um. Actually, AWESOM-O was not programmed for that function."
Butters,"Haw, it's real easy. I'll show you. You just take this little thingy out of the plastic... paper, and I'll, I'll pull down my pants ...and just slide it up in my anus there."
Cartman,...No way.
Butters,"AWESOM-O, I though you were programmed to do whatever I tell you."
Cartman,Weak!
Butters,"Ye- yeah, that, that's pretty good. Get it up there good and deep."
Cartman,Lame!
Butters,"All right AWESOM-O, time for us to get some sleep.  Hey, you want me to teach you some bedtime songs? If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me. Ooo-oo-oooo-oo-oo..."
Cartman,AWESOM-O must rest! His CPU system overloading.
Butters,"Oh, o-o-all right AWESOM-O. Let's get us some shut-eye,  or what, or whatever robots have."
Cartman,Where is it? Where is it?!
Butters,AWESOM-O?!
Cartman,Wah!
Butters,"AWESOM-O, what the Sam Heck are you doing?"
Cartman,"Um, ah AWESOM-O is reorganizing your stuff for you."
Butters,"Aw Jeez, Jeez Louise! My mom is gonna be awful sore when she sees this mess! Now AWESOM-O, that is a bad robot! You can't do no chores for me unless I tell you to do them! You got it?!"
Cartman,AWESOM-O understands.
Butters,"Now I'm gonna have to give ya a spankin', AWESOM-O, so that you'll learn better!  Just know, AWESOM-O, that I did it because I love you. Okay, come on, let's go make some breakfast."
Cartman,"Goddamnit, I have to find that videotape!"
Butters,"Look at that, AWESOM-O! I drew a picture of us playing in a field together.  Ah I'll be right back. I'm gonna get some Sunny Delight."
Cartman,I would like some Sunny Delight too.
Butters,"Don't be silly, AWESOM-O. Robots don't need to drink nothin'.  Uh, heehee.  Whoa. Uh, go answer the door, AWESOM-O."
Cartman,AWESOM-O will answers the door.
Kyle,"What the hell are you doing, fatass?"
Stan,"Dude, are you still pretending to be a robot?"
Cartman,Shh!  I just need to uh make Butters think I'm a robot for a little while longer.
Kyle,Why?
Cartman,"Because I need to, all right?! I've got something planned that's uh gonna be really sweet. Just play along, okay?"
Kyle,Why?
Cartman,"Kyle, Goddamnit, will you just do-?"
Butters,"Who's at the door, AWESOM-O?"
Cartman,"Three boys named Stan, Kyle, and Kenny."
Butters,"Ah, hey fellas! Ah, I see you met my robot."
Stan,"Uh yeah, Butters, he's real cool."
Butters,Hey he sure is! We do everything together. Why last night we even had a slumber party.
Cartman,Weak.
Butters,"He can do anything I command him to. He's real smart. Watch this: Hey AWESOM-O, will you go get my friends some Sunny Delight?"
Cartman,"Yes, of course."
Kyle,"Oh wait. Hey AWESOM-O,  I'd also like some celery sticks chopped up two inches long, with peanut butter and raisins on top."
Cartman,"Suck my balls, Kyle."
Butters,He's made in Japan!
Linda,"Yes, it has just been a delight having your son over, Mrs. Cartman. He and Butters are really getting along great."
Liane,"Oh, I'm so glad to hear it, Mrs. Stotch. Eric has been having some emotional problems lately."
Linda,"Well, the reason I'm calling is that Butters is supposed to go see his Aunt Nellie in Los Angeles this weekend. The boys are getting along so well, that we were thinking of inviting Eric to go along."
Liane,"Oh, well, I'm not sure. Actually, Eric is still supposed to be grounded for trying to exterminate the Jews two weeks ago."
Linda,"Excuse me, I didn't catch that."
Liane,"Oh, but I suppose it would be good for him. Yes, of course he can go. I'll bring some of clothes over."
Linda,"Oh, wonderful! The boys will be so excited."
Cartman,Maybe he put that videotape in here somewhere.
Butters,"AWESOM-O, what are you doing? My friends are waiting for their beverages. Chop chop!"
Linda,"Hey guys, great news! It's been arranged: you two are both going to Los Angeles to visit Butters' Aunt Nellie!"
Butters,Oh boy! My robot gets to come with me to see Aunt Nellie?!
Cartman,What?
Butters,"Oh boy,  AWESOM-O! We're gonna have the best time ever!"
Cartman,Lame.
Uncle Budd,"Hey Nellie, guess what I found scrampin' around the airport."
Butters,Hi Aunt Nellie!
Aunt Nellie,There's my little nephew! How was your flight?
Butters,"It was long. We had a three-hour delay... departin' Denver, but we're here!"
Aunt Nellie,Didn't ya bring any bags?
Butters,"Well, sure, but my robot is bringin' them in."
Aunt Nellie,Your robot?
Uncle Budd,"Butters' new friend is a little strange. He, he really takes playing Robot seriously."
Butters,"There he is! AWESOM-O, this is my Aunt Nellie."
Aunt Nellie,Hello! It's nice to have you here.
Cartman,"AWESOM-O must dispense oil waste. Where is the nearest toilet, please?"
Aunt Nellie,"Oh oh, right through there, Mr. Robot."
Cartman,Thank you.
Uncle Budd,I don't think he took the costume off the entire trip.
Aunt Nellie,"Well, did you wanna get right to sight-seeing, or are you guys hungry after such a long flight."
Butters,"Nah, I ate on the plane. And AWESOM-O is a robot, so he don't need to eat."
Aunt Nellie,Right...
Butters,AWESOM-O?
Cartman,Aw- Aw- AWESOM-O is coming.
Butters,"Come on, AWESOM-O! We're gonna go a- sightseein'!"
Cartman,Argh!
Butters,I'm hangin' out in LA with my robot friendWe're havin' such fun in the hot hot sunWe're two of a kind- That's me!And my robot friend.My robot friend.My robot ...friend.
Butters,"Can you believe we're at a real live movie studio, AWESOM-O? Aren't we havin' the best time?!"
Cartman,"Butters, wouldn't you like to have some time away from AWESOM-O? We could meet up later, perhaps?"
Butters,"Hey, look over there, AWESOM-O. The film studio commissary.  That's where all them rich movie producers who come up with uh, Hollywood blockbusters have their lunch. Neat-o, huh?"
Producer,"Damnit, Mitch. How come our movie studio can't come up with any winners? I mean, we're smart, right?"
Mitch,We're really smart.
Producer,"We need an idea for a movie that's a home run. A feel-good romp for the whole family.  Hey, what's that over there?"
Woman,"Wow, that's a really neat little robot you have there, little boy."
Girl,What's he do?
Butters,"Well, he can do anything. Watch this: Hey, AWESOM-O, who's gonna win the Super Bowl next year?"
Cartman,The New Orleans Saints.
Boy,"Hey, Mr. Robot, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
Cartman,Seventeen.
Producer,"Mitch, are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"
Mitch,Yeah. Maybe that robot can be programmed to come up with movie ideas!
Producer,Exactly!
Producer,"Gentlemen, this little boy was kind enough to let us show you his robot. The AWESOM-O 4000.  I've already seen what it can do."
Staffer 1,"Uh, excuse me sir, but uh, that's not a robot."
Producer,It's not?
Staffer 1,"No, it clearly had bipedal movement, so the correct term is ""computerized automatron."""
Mitch,"Oh, very nice, Mitch."
Staffer 2,You are the smart one.
Producer,"Well, regardless, I believe maybe this automatron can help us come up with new movie ideas."
Staffer 2,How can a robot come up with better ideas for movies than us?
Producer,"Watch this: AWESOM-O, given the current trends of the movie-going public can you come up with an idea for a movie that will break a hundred million box office?"
Cartman,"Um... okay. How about this:  Adam Sandler is like, in love with some girl, but then it turns out that the girl is actually a... golden retriever, or something."
Staffer 2,"Oh, perfect!"
Staffer 3,"We'll call it ""Puppy Love""!"
Staffer 2,"Give us another movie idea, AWESOM-O!"
Mitch,"Yeah, yeah!"
Staffer 3,Let's hear it!
Mitch,"Yeah, we wanna hear it!"
Staffer 3,"Come on, come on!"
Cartman,"Okay, how about this: Adam Sandler... inherits like, a billion dollars, but first, he has to, like, become a... boxer, or something."
Staffer 3,"... Yes, it's flawless!"
Mitch,Punch-Drunk Billionaire!
Butters,"Boy, Los Angeles is great, huh AWESOM-O? Can you believe those guys paid us a hundred dollars apiece for those movie ideas?"
Cartman,"You should split that money with AWESOM-O. After all, they were AWESOM-O's ideas."
Butters,"Hahaa, right! What are you gonna do with money, AWESOM-O? Buy some robot pants? Haha, no! We got each other and that's all we need, AWESOM-O. I'm gonna send this money to needy kids in third-world countries."
Cartman,Haaaa! Haaaa!
Butters,"Yoe, you okay AWESOM-O?"
Cartman,AWESOM-O needs to rest! Feeling faint.
Butters,"Well you go ahead and relax, AWESOM-O. We've got another full day of pitching movies tomorrow."
General,"Gentlemen, Ladies, we all know that we live in a time of uncertainty. The risk of an attack on American soil is higher than ever. Now, I believe we may be able to curb that risk. Two days ago our intelligence department came across this:  The AWESOM-O 4000. It is currently being used by Catamount Pictures to develop ideas for movies. Our sources say that in just one week it has come up with over one thousand movie ideas, eight hundred of which feature Adam Sandler."
Black Official,That's incredible!
White Official,You're thinking the robot could be used to come up with anti-Islamic movies?
General,"No. If we got our hands on that robot, we could re-program it and turn it into a weapon!."
Black Official,"Yes, that might be the best thing to do."
White Official,Uh huh. I don't see how we have a choice.
Scientist,"Hold on a second: If that robot is designed for entertainment, then, turning it into a weapon is unethical."
General,"Unethical? Let me explain something to you, Mr. Scientist! We understand that the robot is from Japan! That means that the Japanese have more of them! And if the Japanese fabricates one of them into a weapon before we do..."
Black Official,Jesus. It would be Pearl Harbor all over again.
White Official,But worse. With robots.
Scientist,"I I'm sorry, I must protest. We, we have no data suggesting the Japanese have developed a robot with offensive capability."
General,"You're paid to think, Mr. Scientist! National security is our jub.  Gentlemen, we're going to Los Angeles!  I want that robot!"
Butters,"Yeah, me and my robot are still over at the movie studio, Aunt Nellie. We're makin' all sorts of money for the poor."
Cartman,Movie idea number two thousand three hundred and five: Adam Sandler is trapped on an island and falls in love with a coconut.
Producer,"Great, AWESOM-O, great. Uh guys, take a break. I need a minute alone with AWESOM-O.  You are an incredible robot, AWESOM-O. I was just wondering... are you by chance a... pleasure model?"
Cartman,...What?
Producer,"Well, have you been programmed to... satisfy... urges of humans?"
Cartman,AWESOM-O does not understand.
Producer,Let me show you what I mean.
Butters,"Well yeah, we're havin' a great time, Aunt Nellie. These movie studio guys are real nice."
Cartman,Lame!
Butters,"Yeah, we're makin' a bunch more money. I can't believe it either."
Cartman,Not cool! Totally lame!
Butters,"AWESOM-O? Well, I gotta go, Aunt Nellie. Ah, AWESOM-O is havin' some kind of malfunction.  AWESOM-O? Hey, where'd ya go?"
Cartman,Waaaaa!
Soldier,"Let's go! Move, move!"
Butters,"AWESOM-O?  Hey, what are you doin' with him?!  That's my robot!  AWESOM-OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
General,Are those arm and leg locks secure?
Soldier,"Secure, sir!"
General,"Good. I don't want that robot mobile until I know what it's capable of. All right, power it on."
Cartman,"Whoa, whoa, wha- whoa, whoa!"
Scientist,What the hell?
General,What's going on?
Scientist,It... powered itself back on.
General,Stand by. Be ready to destroy it.
Cartman,"Where the hell am I?! Hey, why can't I move?!"
Scientist,Are your systems stable? Run a systems check on your CPU.
Cartman,"The fuck are you talkin' about, dude?!"
Scientist,"Ah, I'm sorry, robot,  they want me to reprogram you."
Cartman,"I'm not a robot, dumbass! I'm alive!"
Scientist,What did you say?
Cartman,"I said I'm a real person, asswipe!"
Scientist,...Oh my God.
General,What's happening?
Scientist,The robot... It thinks it's alive. It's developed consciousness.
General,What? How can that be?
Scientist,Must be a malfunction of its exographical IMS or the... interlaced BV system.
General,"Speak in a language we can understand, Mr. Scientist!"
Scientist,Your robot doesn't know it's a robot!
Cartman,"Goddamnit, get me down from here!"
General,"Who made you, robot?"
Cartman,"I'm not a robot, I'm a human!"
White Official,"Jesus, the scientist was right."
General,"But, who would have programmed it to think it was human? The movie studio?"
Cartman,"Look, retards! My name is Eric Cartman! I live with my mom in South Park, Colorado!"
General,"Dear Christ, they gave it memories, too."
Scientist,"Sure, why not? Program the memories of some eight-year-old boy who doesn't exist, and make the robot think he's real! Makes for a lot better movies! I'm not reprogramming a robot that's developed consciousness!"
General,"Do I have to remind you of your position?! Don't forget you have a duty to your country,  Mr. Scientist!! I want that robot's memories and consciousness E-RASED, so we can take it back to Washington! GOT IT?!"
Scientist,Damn you all to hell!
Butters,"Hey there, did you know I had a robot friend?We used to laugh and play, but someone took him away.He was my ten gigahertz old pal.My robot friend."
Butters,"Hey, wait a minute.  Why, that's the van that-  Oh my God!"
Cartman,"Goddamnit, stop! I'm real! I'm real!"
Soldier,"It'll all be over soon, robot!"
Scientist,"Hang on! I'm getting you out of here, robot!"
Cartman,"Aw, it's about freaking time, jackass!"
General,What the hell are you doing?!
Scientist,"Well I- I'm saving a conscious being! If you wanna kill it, you'll have to go through me!"
General,Fine. Kill that son of a bitch!
Cartman,"No! Look, Goddamnit! Now I can show you stupid assholes who I really am!"
Butters,AWESOM-O!
Cartman,I am the AWESOM-O 4000.
Butters,"No!  No, please!  Don't kill him! He's my best friend! He's my best friend in the whole world!"
Scientist,There. You see? You want to tell me this isn't humanity? Who's to judge what makes something human anyway?!  Does this make me human?!  Or this?!  Or these?!
General,"Perhaps... there is consciousness in this robot. Maybe we as a society need to realize that artificial intelligence... is intelligence all the same, and we can learn from the robots. I think maybe one day we can all-  Hey, wait a minute, did, did that robot just fart?"
Butters,"Hey, robots don't fart!"
Cartman,Uh... now ending fart sequence.
General,"Oh, and it, it smells, too!"
Cartman,Smell sequence initiated.
Black Official,A robot with smelly farts? That doesn't make any sense.
Butters,"Hang on a second, here!"
Cartman,"Would you like to touch my body?Come on and touch my body!Oooo, my hot body!Don't you like my hot body?Come on and touch my titties!I felt them just like?Come on Justin, touch my body!Mmm, Justin, yeah!Touch my body! You and me!Check it out, my not-hot body!Come on, my body!"
General,"Wow, kid, you're a little faggot!"
Cartman,Lame...
Stan,"Hey, check it out, dude. Somebody bought the Donovan's old house."
Kyle,"Yeah, I think they already moved in. I saw moving vans in their driveway two days ago."
Cartman,I hope they're not Austrians. That's the last thing this town needs.
Kyle,Hey Look!
Blanket,Hello!
Kyle,Hey. Do you live here?
Blanket,"Yeah, I just moved here with my dad. Are you gonna be my new friends?"
Cartman,No.
Blanket,"I really like your town. My dad wanted to move somewhere to get away from it all. He said he wanted peace and quiet, and to live with a bunch of hicks who don't know anything."
Stan,What's that you're wearing?
Blanket,It's my mask. My daddy says it's best for me to hide my face. My name's Blanket.
Cartman,"Your name is Blanket... Right. Well Blanket, I'm Howdy Doody, and these are my friends, Timsy, Winky, and Nod. Unfortunately, we have to be off to the Land of Booger Trees, so we'll be leaving now."
Blanket,Wait! Don't you guys wanna come inside and play?
Cartman,"Huh? Look dude, we're in the fourth grade, okay? You know what that means? It means we don't hang out with a little kid. Come on guys, let's get back to our Big Wheels."
Blanket,We have arcade games inside.
Blanket,Dad?
Stan,"Whoa. Dude, no way!"
Cartman,"Oh my God, this is awesome!"
Stan,"Dude, are these all your toys?"
Blanket,"No, this is all my dad's stuff. He loves toys and video games."
Kyle,"Dude, he must be loaded! What does he do?"
Blanket,He's retired now.
Cartman,"Oh my God, dude! Your dad must be the coolest guy in the world!"
Blanket,"Come on, my dad's probably out in the backyard."
Cartman,"Oh, kick ass! Dude, why isn't my house like this?!"
Blanket,Dad? You out here?
Michael,"Here I am, Blanket!  Heeee!  Jeh chabee durtah!  Blanket! Oh my beautiful blanket!"
Kyle,What's wrong with his face?
Stan,"Be cool, dude. I, I think maybe he's a burn victim or something."
Blanket,"Guys, this is my dad. Michael Ja-"
Michael,"Jefferson! Michael ...Jefferson, yeh. Hey, you wanna play with me?  Come on, let's climb the tree!  Come on, climb the tree, climb the tree! Have you been up my... Wishing Tree? Tuh!It's where I come to think and dream.And now I'd like to show you my... Wishing Tree. Jam on!Where we can laugh and giggle and scream. Hee hee!Imagination is the key."
Kyle,"Mr. Jefferson, your son can't get up."
Michael,Won't you imagine along with me?
Kyle,Mr. Jefferson?
Michael,"We can be spacemen, or pirates on the seaChuckajamonah!Yes we can do everything,and I mean, everything!Chuckajamonah!Up in my Wishing Tree!Hee hee! Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!"
Stan,"Hey, you guys! You guys!  You gotta come with us over to the Jeffersons!"
Red,The Jeffersons?
Cartman,They're a new family that just moved to South Park! We met this kid named Blanket and he has the coolest dad in the world!
Kyle,Mr. Jefferson said we can invite all the kids in town to go play over at their house.
Cartman,"They have like, video games and rides and a cotton-candy machine, oh, and, and in their back yard, guess what they have in their back yard?! Guess. A train."
Craig,No way.
Cartman,"Yeah way, Craig! And if you don't believe in Mr. Jefferson, then you can just not come!"
Craig,I believe in Mr. Jefferson!
Michael,"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, look at us on the swing! We're swinging!"
Blanket,Who wants the first cotton candy?
Kids,Memememememememememe...
Michael,"Mememe! I'm first! I'm first!  Oooo, let's go ride the choo-choo train!"
Cartman,Choo-choo train! Yay!
Michael,"Let's ride the train! The train! Would you like to ride the train with me,and start a magical journey?"
Cartman,"Yes I would, Mr. Jefferson. You're so awesome, Mr. Jefferson."
Michael,"Cartman, you have a beautiful voice."
Cartman,Thank you Mr. Jefferson. So do you.
Michael,Let's ride and ride on the train together
Cartman,...Train together
Michael,On a journey through both of our minds.
Cartman,...I've got time. Do youuu??
Kyle,"Dude, what happened to your knee?"
Blanket,I fell down.
Kyle,Mr. Jefferson!
Michael,"Choo-choo train, it's all fun and games."
Cartman,Choo-choo train.
Kyle,"Mr-&#160;! Goddammit. Here, come on. We need to clean that up."
Kyle,"Alright, this is gonna sting for a second."
Blanket,Ow!
Kyle,"I know, I know. Be cool."
Blanket,Thank you. That already feels better.
Kyle,"So, dude, do you have any brothers or sisters?"
Blanket,I have a half-brother and a half-sister. But they live with their mom now.
Kyle,And where is your mom?
Blanket,I don't have a mom.
Kyle,"You must have a mom.  You mean she doesn't live here, or she's dead, or what?"
Blanket,No. I was made in a laboratory.
Kyle,What?
Blanket,"My daddy wanted to have a baby, so he put me in a test tube. Then, they put me in a woman's tummy, and, when I was born, Daddy took me home."
Kyle,So you never met your mom?
Blanket,"No... But I used to have a lot of bodyguards and nannies, if that counts."
Kyle,"Yeah. Yeah, that counts."
Cartman,"Oh man, that was great! You guys know what Mr. Jefferson said? He said I'm his best friend, and I can go over to his house whenever I want! I'm supposed to go right back over there after dinner tonight!"
Kyle,"You guys, I feel kinda bad for that kid."
Cartman,You feel bad for him?! He has everything a kid could want!
Kyle,"Mr. Jefferson just seems like he wants to be a kid, not have one."
Cartman,"Oh, you know what?! This makes perfect sense! A guy moves into South Park with a FERRIS wheel in his back yard, and KYLE has to see a problem with it!  Mr. Jefferson is the best thing that's happened to this town in a long time, and if you miss this up, so help me god, I will rip your balls off with my bare hands! With my bare hands, Goddamn you!"
Randy,"Well, there he is. Where have you been all afternoon."
Stan,"I was over at the new neighbors, the Jeffersons."
Sharon,"Oh, are they nice people?"
Stan,Yeah. It's just a dad and his son.
Sharon,"Well, we're supposed to have the Broflovskis and the Stotches over for dinner tonight. Maybe I'll invite Mr. Jefferson too."
Gerald,"So, Mr. Jefferson, did I hear you say you moved here from Kentucky?"
Michael,"Kentucky, yeah."
Randy,I heard people saying you all were from Illinois.
Michael,"No, the- they're ignorant. That's ignorant."
Stephen,"What kind of work do you do, Mr. Jefferson?"
Michael,"Oh I'm retired now, but, I was in... pharmaceuticals"
Sheila,Well our boys have really taken a liking to you. You seem to really have a way with them.
Michael,"I just id- identify so much with children. Their innocence, their beauty. I think that God is in the face of every child."
Randy,....Yeeeah.
Sharon,"...They are fun.  Boys, you okay out there?"
Stan,"Fine, Mom."
Blanket,"Wow, these are great. What are they called again?"
Kyle,They're TV dinners. Don't you wanna take that veil off so you can eat?
Blanket,"Nah, I'm not supposed to. Dad says I have to keep my face hidden."
Cartman,What the hell is going on?! Are you having Mr. Jefferson over for dinner?!
Stan,"No, my parents are."
Cartman,You guys better not be trying to Bogart my friend away!
Stan,What?
Cartman,"He is my friend, got it?! I was friends with him before you assholes were,  and I hoowi-  Stan! Stan, I'm seriously! You'd better not be talking bad about me in there to Mr. Jefferson!"
Gerald,"Hey, you know Kobe Bryant was up in Eagle today."
Randy,"Oh yeah? What do you think, Mr. Jefferson? Do you think Kobe's guilty or innocent?"
Michael,D'huh?
Stephen,I think he's definitely going to jail. I just love seeing smug celebrities get their comeuppance.
Michael,I think it's wrong what the police do to wealthy black men.
Gerald,"Oh come on, Mr. Jefferson, you're not one of those who think that the police go around framing rich black people just because they're jealous?"
Michael,Yeah! Because their hearts are full of greed and they have... doo-doo in their souls.
Harris,"Hey Sergeant, take a look at this."
Yates,Whatcha got?
Harris,"Looks like a new family has just moved into South Park. One Mr. Jefferson, age 50, bought a house there and paid cash. He seems to have a lot of money."
Yates,"So, what's the problem?"
Harris,Take a look. Says here...  He's black.
Yates,"By God, so he is. Black and rich. Time to take this Mr. Jefferson down, just like we did Kobe.  Let's go people!  We've got another rich black guy. I want him humiliated and dragged through the dirt, and I want it done by the books!"
Stan,Kyle?
Michael,"Hey, Stan, whatcha doin'?"
Stan,Mr. Jefferson- Awww!  It's 1:30 in the morning!
Michael,"Look at me, I'm Peter Pan.  T-shamon! I'm a little boy forever.  Hey!"
Stan,"Mr. Jefferson, I have to go to school tomorrow!"
Cartman,"Oh, son of a bitch! I knew it! What the hell are you doing, Stan?! I'll tell you what you're doing! You're trying to steal MY best friend!"
Stan,He just showed up here.
Cartman,"Remember, Mr. Jefferson? You said we were best friends."
Stan,Jesus Christ!
Kyle,"Dude, look who I found prowling around in my back yard."
Blanket,"Hi, Stan."
Kyle,He was out all alone in the middle of the night. Mr. Jefferson isn't even home.
Stan,I know. He's here.
Kyle,What?!
Michael,"Oh Kyle, Blanket, yay, it's a slumber party!"
Stan,"No! Mr. Jefferson, you need to take your son home."
Michael,We can't go home. There's a ghost in our house. Me and Blanket are scared.
Blanket,Dad says it wants to eat us.
Michael,"Please don't make us go back home. Please! We're scared, we're scared!"
Blanket,We're scared!
Mr. Jefferson,Hee hee!
Stan,"Okay, fine, we'll all stay here, but we're going to sleep now!"
Kyle,"Come on, Blanket."
Michael,Now let's all sleep and dreamHeehee!of fun and adventurous thingsshamonah!It's time for us all to say goodnight
Cartman,"Deeper.  Mr. Jefferson, I wish I could be around you all the time. You're awesome."
Michael,"I think you're awesome too, Cartman."
Cartman,Yeah?
Michael,Yeah.
Cartman,Yeah?
Michael,Yeah.
Cartman,Yeah?
Stan,Haaa!
Michael,"What's the matter, Stan? Did you have a bad dream?"
Stan,Yeah. A really bad dream.  Oh Jesus!
Yates,"Murphy, you inside?"
Murphy,"We're inside, sir. Harris was right. This guy looks like he has more money than all of us put together. Black sonofabitch!  I'm planting the cocaine now."
Yates,"Johnson, what about you?"
Johnson,"Placing the blood spatter now, sir."
Yates,Frakes?
Frakes,"Placing pubic hair from the raped girl now, sir."
Yates,"All right, when this Jefferson guy shows up, arrest him fast and try not to beat him. There could be neighbors with video cameras.  Why do we do it, Harris?"
Harris,Sir?
Yates,Why is it that us policemen around the country have such a passion for framing wealthy African-Americans with crimes they didn't commit?
Harris,"Oh, why? I guess I never thought about why, sir. We just do it."
Yates,"Twenty-five years I've been on the force. I've seen every kind of sick, depraved act known to humanity and still, when I see a black man walk by who has more money than me, I... want to vomit my gizzards right in the gutter. But why? Maybe there is no reason. Maybe there's just a big blue ball out there that's mostly covered with water and we're just goin' along for the ride."
Randy,"Stan, time to get up for school.  Stan? What the-?  Mr. Jefferson?!"
Michael,"Oh oh, we were just having a slumber party."
Randy,"Mr. Jefferson, this is highly inappropriate!"
Michael,"Inappropriate? No, you're being ignorant. They're my friends. You see, I- I didn't have a childhood, so I'm really just a child myself.  Here, everything's okay. I want you each to have a hundred dollars."
Randy,"Wow, I'm gonna go buy that new sport coat I've been wanting."
Michael,"Come on, Blanket. We have to go home and feed the animals. Bye, friends."
Sharon,"Boys, I do not want you going over to Mr. Jefferson's anymore. Do you understand?"
Stan,"You don't have to tell us twice, Mom. That guy's a freak!"
Cartman,"Not go to Mr. Jefferson's anymore? Well, excuse my French, Mrs. Marsh, but you can suck my fat, hairy balls!"
Michael,"Come on, Blanket!"
Yates,Hey Har- Har- Harris! Harris!
Harris,Wha- wha- what?
Yates,"It's Jefferson! He's back!  All right, people. Let's give Blacky a nice welcome home.  Whoa, wait a minute!  That guy isn't black!  Holy God, his son isn't black either! Oh Jesus!  This is Yates! Stand down! I repeat, stand down! Suspect is not black!  You son of a bitch, you told my this guy was African-American!"
Harris,It says right here on the final sheet he is!
Yates,Does that look like a black guy to you?!
Harris,It said on the final sheet!
Yates,"Jesus Christ Monkeyballs! We could have made an innocent man go to jail who wasn't black! Oh!  Wuuugh! Wuugh! Ohaugh. Ugh.  Jesus, Harris. What are we becoming? We're supposed to... protect the people. Where have we lost our way?"
Harris,"Sir, it's possible that he is black, even though he doesn't look it."
Yates,To hell with you! I'm never gonna frame an innocent man again! Unless I know he's black for sure!
Michael,"All the adults are trying to get us. Get up to your room, Blanket, and put your mask on! We can't go outside anymore!"
Kyle,That poor kid.
Stan,"Dude, come on. We're not supposed to go over there."
Blanket,Hi guys!
Kyle,"Hey Blanket. Uh, look, we're goin' over to help my dad chop wood. You... wanna come with?"
Blanket,Really? You mean it?
Michael,"Oh yay, my friends are here! Come inside and play, guys!"
Stan,"Ah, actually, Mr. Jefferson, we were seeing if Blanket wanted to chop wood with us."
Michael,"Chop wood? No, that's ignorant. That's poopie work. Blanket and me wanna play!"
Stan,"Mr. Jefferson, uh, it might be good for Blanket to learn how to chop wood."
Michael,"Blanket likes to play, don't you Blanket?  Wee, look! He can fly!"
Kyle,"Jesus Christ, dude!"
Blanket,Aaaaaah!
Stan,"Stop, you fucking lunatic!"
Kyle,"Dude, we have got to get that kid away from him!"
Michael,"No, Blanket, shhhh. Stop crying. It's okay, Blanket. Here, look.  Jeekabee durtah!  Ow!  There, Blanket, shhhh.  Hey, hey look, hey look.  I got your nose.  Look! Lookit, I got your nose. I got your nose, Blanket. See?"
Blanket,Aaaaaaaah!
Michael,"No, Blanket, stop!  It's ignorant. You're being ignorant!"
Maggie,"Harrison, why haven't you called? You know how I worry."
Yates,"I'm givin' up, Maggie. I'm quitting the force."
Maggie,Quitting the force? You?
Yates,"None of it makes sense anymore.  I don't even know if what we're doing is right. The last thirteen hours we've been working on a case, trying to get a real scumbag off the streets. And when he walked up to the door, I could have sworn he was white. Maybe I can't tell the difference anymore. Maybe it doesn't matter. Because it seems like every time we frame a rich black guy, he's back out on the streets in no time. It's just like OJ. Do you know how hard those cops worked to frame him? The tireless hours they put in?! And then he just gets off because somebody messed up and said the N word out loud too many times. I guess I'm just tired. I'm just damn tired."
Maggie,"Not another word of that kind of talk, Harrison Yates.  Believe me I would love nothin' more than to have you quit the force and no longer have to worry about whether or not you're comin' home. But I know you. Framin' rich black men for crimes they didn't commit is in your blood. Wiping that rich, smug smile off their faces is the only thing that puts a smile on yours. You're a good cop, Harrison Yates. You don't have to question that. Because I'm here to tell you."
Yates,"And you're a good wife, Maggie. You know me better than I know myself."
Maggie,Where're you goin'?
Yates,Think I've got a little more work to do.
Cartman,"Mr. Jefferson? It's your best friend in the whole wide world, Eric Cartman. Mr. Jefferson? I came to sleep over tonight, remember?"
Michael,"No, Dr. Nelson, I'm telling you, you have to fly out here right now! My nose came off again!  I know you live in California; I'll pay for your plane ticket!  But I'm falling apart! I need some more of that cream and the injections! I have to look young again!  Oh, I'm melting!"
Kyle,"All right. Thanks a lot for helping us, dude."
Kenny,"Yeah, sure, whatever."
Stan,You just gotta pretend you're Blanket until we can get the real Blanket somewhere safe.
Kenny,Aren't I too big to be Blanket?
Kyle,I don't think Mr. Jefferson pays enough attention to his son to notice. Come on!
Stan,"Blanket, you in here?"
Blanket,Hi guys!
Kyle,"Shh, Blanket, we're gonna take you away for a little while, okay?"
Blanket,"You are? Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!"
Stan,"All right dude, get in his bed."
Kenny,"All right, but you guys owe me for this."
Stan,"Dude, whatever. At least you finally get to do something."
Snetzl,"Santa Barbara Police Department, this is Snetzl."
Yates,"Hello, this is Sergeant Yates over at the Park County Police Department in Colorado."
Snetzl,"Yes, sergeant. What can I do for you?"
Yates,"Well, we've been trying to frame this guy who just moved into our town, and the fil-o-fax says he moved from your area. One Martin Jefferson?"
Snetzl,"Hm. No, we never had a any rich African-Americans named Jefferson here. If we had, we would have framed him ourselves."
Yates,"Well, he doesn't really look that black."
Snetzl,"Yeah, I don't, uh... Hold on a second. There was one we framed a couple of times, but the black bastard was so rich he made bail and disappeared before the trial."
Yates,You say he disappeared? What did you frame him for?
Snetzl,"We, uhhh, found some kids that had stayed over at his place, and we asked them to lie and make up some false molestation charges."
Yates,"Molestation, nice."
Snetzl,"Yeah, it was a lot of work. Took years, but we were finally able to arrest him. Then we planted some evidence, took embarassing photos of his penis, and threw him in a dirty prison cell with doodie feces on the walls. You should have seen him squirm!"
Yates,"That's damn fine police work, sergeant. Damn fine."
Snetzl,"Heh, yeah, but the point is this guy didn't really look black either. We had to sneak in while he was asleep and get a DNA sample to be sure."
Yates,Jesus Christ Monkeyballs! It must be the same guy!
Cartman,"Mr. Jefferson, hello?!"
Kyle,"Come on, Blanket! We gotta go before your dad sees us."
Michael,"What are you doing with my Blanket?  Come on, Blanket, play with me. Jeechabee durtah! Hee!"
"Stan, Kyle, Blanket",Haaaaa!
Stan,"Go, go, ruuun!"
Mr. Jefferson,Sutah!
"Stan, Kyle, Blanket",Haaaaa!
Michael,Wuchatennah! Jamonah! Heehee!
Stan,Oh Jesus!
Kenny,"What the hell is going on, you guys?"
Michael,"My Blanket! Let's play, Blanket!"
Kenny,"Nonono wait, I'm not Blanket!"
Michael,"Wee, he can fly! He can fly!"
Kenny,"Aaaah! Aaaah, stop! A-"
Stan,"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!"
Kyle,You bastard!
Michael,Blanket? Blanket! Come play!
Blanket,Nooo!
Kyle,Come on!
Stan,"Run, Blanket, Run!"
Blanket,Ah!
Michael,Dainduh! Dainduh Dainduh!
Kyle,"Hang on, Blanket!"
Mr. Jefferson,Dugh! Heehee! Ja-!
Yates,"Freeze, Jefferson! The gig is up! You are wanted for child mo-les-tation!"
Cartman,"No! I am sick and tired of people harassing Mr. Jefferson!  All I've been hearing since Mr. Jefferson moved here are sick lies! That he molests children, that he's a bad father, that he has plastic surgery!"
Michael,It's ignorant.
Cartman,"Sure, maybe Mr. Jefferson's a little different. But that's because he had to work all the time when he was young and missed out on his childhood. What's wrong with wanting to have the innocence and beauty of a child."
Kyle,"All right, let's just say all the bad things said about Mr. Jefferson are lies! Let's say the police department does just go around spending their time framing people for crimes they didn't commit!  Let's say it's all made up, and Mr. Jefferson is just a nice guy who's trying to be a child because he never got to have a childhood. Well that's fine, except for that he HAS children now! And when people have children, they have to grow up!"
Michael,"You're right. I've been so obsessed with my childhood that I've forgotten about his. I thought having lots of rides and toys was enough, but... Blanket doesn't need a playmate. He needs a father, and a normal life. Chickuckoo gainuh.  Blanket, I wanna give away all my money. I- I wanna get a normal job and... take a shot at raising you in a normal setting."
Blanket,Look everybody! I'm a normal little boy.
Yates,"Well, if you're gonna give away all your money, then, I guess we can drop all those charges. No point in putting another poor black man in jail."
Kyle,All right! Things just might work out!
Michael,"Things can always work out, as long as we know we have the power to change.We all have the power to change if we search inside our hearts'And we start to heal the wounds of all our yesterdaysAnd you know it might be hard, but all you've got to do is start,And you can change all of your evil molesting ways.Jejabee durtah! Hee-hee! OOOOH! Jejabee durtah! Hee-hee! Jamonah! butcha-tamonah! Chich-cha!"
Woman,Yes?
Cartman,Hel-lo ma'am. We're going around town and offering snow-shoveling service. Would you like your driveway and sidewalk shoveled for eight thousand dollars?
Woman,"Oh well, I certainly could use some little snow-shovelers, but eight thousand dollars seems a little steep. How about ten dollars?"
Cartman,"Ooo, ouch, ma'am, please, let go of that tight grip you have on my balls! Ten dollars, you're breaking my balls, ma'am!"
Woman,How about fifteen dollars?
Cartman,"It's a deal! All right, guys, let's get to work!  Yeah, it's so totally awesome. Craig crapped his pants when he saw it. Yeah, sweet. So what's goin' on over there? Yeah, that's pretty cool.  No way! He did not! Aw dude, that is so weak.  What?"
Kyle,You've been on your fucking phone since we started!
Cartman,"Dude, I'm takin' a break."
Kyle,A break from what?! You haven't done anything!
Cartman,"Kyle, how many times do we have to go through this? I'm the negotiator. I negotiate our price with the customers."
Kyle,All you ever do is talk about your balls!
Cartman,"It works, doesn't it? Did I not just get us an extra five bucks?"
Kyle,"If you want your share of the money, then you're gonna shovel snow like the rest of us!"
Cartman,"Hey! Don't boss me around, you fuckin' Jew! I will kick your ass!"
Stan,"Ma'am, do you have a rag and some bandages?"
Woman,"Oh goodness, what happened?"
Cartman,Shoveling accident.
Woman,"Oooh, no, come on inside.  Wait right here, I'll be right back."
Cartman,"You're so lucky I have a... sore shoulder, Kyle, or I would have let you have it."
Stan,"Cartman, just keep your mouth shut."
News Announcer,This is breaking news. Here's Anchorman Aaron Brown.
Aaron Brown,"Incredible, absolutely amazing news today. A man from the future has come back in time and is in a government hospital after being hit by a car."
Stan,Whoa.
Aaron Brown,Christina Naylon has more.
Christina Naylon,"The news is incredible, Aaron. Experts and scientists have been with the man from the future for several hours now, and have been able to learn that he is from the year 3045. His condition is stable, and speculation continues as to why he has come. Has he come to deliver a cure for cancer? Or to fix something wrong with the past?"
Aaron Brown,"Have to interrupt you there, Christina. Apparently, Brad Morgan is inside the base with breaking news. Brad?"
Brad Morgan,"Aaron, the scientists have been able to communicate further and have uncovered that the man from one thousand years in the future has come to our time... looking for work. Uh, he has said that the future is so overwhelmingly overpopulated that there are simply no jobs in his time, and so he built a time portal and has come back to 21st century America, uh, to find a job here."
Aaron Brown,"Heheh, it's absolutely astounding. He came back here for work?"
Brad Morgan,"Huh... that's right, Aaron. Hi- his plan is to get a job here, in our time, so that he can put the money he earns into a savings account, uh, which will earn interest, and by the year 3045 be worth billions of dollars, uh which of course in the future will be worth only hundreds of dollars, but uh, enough, he says, to feed his family."
Aaron Brown,"And now I understand we're going to Harrison Moore, uh, for an explanation on how the time portal works. Harrison?"
Harrison Moore,"Aaron, I'm standing at the time border which scientists say follow Terminator rules. That is, it's one way only and you can't go back. This is in contrast, say, to Back To The Future rules, where back and forth is possible, and of course, Timerider rules, which are just plain silly. Anyway, it appears that the man from the future is here to stay."
Stan,"Mom, Dad! Did you see? They found a man from the future!"
Randy,"We know, Stanley. We've been watching."
Aaron Brown,"If you're just joining us, a man from over two thousand years into the future has come through a one-way time portal looking for work. Uh, the President is expected to give an announcement at any time."
Harrison Moore,"Breaking news here at the time portal, Aaron. It appears that another person from the future has just arrived!  It looks as if the job at Wendy's did work for the original immigrant; this second arrivee claims that man's family is now much better off, and wishes the same for his family."
Sharon,"There you go. All set, sweetie?"
Stan,"Mom, can we go try to see the people from the future? I have a bunch of questions I wanna ask 'em."
Sharon,"I'm sure a lot of people do, hon. It's pretty exciting, isn't it? Now, you just get some sleep.  You've had a busy day.  Goodnight, sweetie."
Stan,"Night, Mom.  Wow, two people from the future. How cool."
Mrs. Landis,Yes?
Stan,"Hello, Mrs. Landis. Would you like snow-shoveling service again today?"
Mrs. Landis,"Ooo, oh dear, I'm sorry boys, but I've already hired someone else to do it."
Cartman,What?! Who?!
Mrs. Landis,One of those immigrants from the future. He said he would do it for twenty-five cents.
Kyle,Twenty-five cents? Well that's not even worth it.
Stan,"All right guys, come on. Let's go to the next house."
Kyle,Dude.
Stan,Son of a bitch!
Aaron Brown,"Still more immigrants from the future arrived at the time border today, some even bringing their entire families. the purplish goo that they have on their bodies when they arrive is an ectoplasmic side effect of the time-travel process. This is all giving scientists a great opportunity to learn even more about American life in the future. Chris Holt joins us now. Chris?"
Chris Holt,"Yes, there are incredible things we're learning about Americans in the future, Aaron. I- it appears that in the future, Americans have evolved into a hairless uniform mix of all races. They are all one color, which is a yellowy light-brownish whitish color. Uh, it seems race is no longer an issue in the future, because all ethnicities have mixed into one. Perhaps most interesting is how this has affected their language. The people in the future speak a complete mix of English, Chinese, Turkish and, indeed, all world languages, which sounds something like this:  Back to you, Aaron."
Aaron Brown,"Apparently the people from the future are having a pretty easy time finding work. Since they offer to work for such low wages, they're being hired all over America."
Man 1,This is bullcrap! I ain't standin' for this!
Darryl Weathers,"All right, folks, my name is Darryl Weathers and I'm with the Construction Workers' Union. I work with a lot of fine men who have families to feed. Now, I don't know about you all, but we worked long and hard to get our pay up to a level where we could make a decent living. And now these people from the future are showin' up and offerin' to do the same work for next to nothin'! They took our jobs!"
Man 2,We're in the moving business! Fourteen years we've been workin' our butts off! Now these future folk come in and we can't get work nowhere! They took our jobs!
Man 3,They took your jobs!
Man 4,Well what about us in the fast-food business?! The restaurants are firing us 'cause the future people work for a lot less! They took our jobs!
Other Men,They took your jobs!
Stan,"It's affecting kids too! Me and my friends started our own snow-shoveling business. We were trying to be responsible and make money, you know? But then the people came along and, and now we're out of work too!  Oh, they took our jobs!"
Other Men,They took yer jobs!
Sharon,"Stanley, it's almost eight o'clock. Where have you been?"
Stan,I was at a rally to protest all the immigrants from the future coming in and tryin' tuh-
Sharon,"Oh yes, the laundry machine is down in the basement and our son is home. Could you please set the table for dinner?"
Stan,Who is that?
Randy,"That's our new housekeeper, Mrs.  Gruhd. She's gonna help around the house on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  And she'll do it for ten cents an hour."
Stan,"Oh, but that's the problem! Those goobacks are taking our jobs!"
Sharon,What?!
Randy,"Oh my God!  Stan Marsh, how dare you use that time-bashing slur?!"
Sharon,Who taught you to talk like that?!
Stan,"Well dude, they are taking people's jobs away."
Randy,They're only taking the small menial jobs that nobody else really wants to do.
Stan,I wanted my job!
Randy,"Hey, Stanley, you need to understand something: Those people from the future have had a hard life! Where they come from is dirty and overpopulated and poor! You can't even imagine the kind of depression they come from! So, for us, who have everything sooo good, to judge them, is wrong! Do you understand?! Next time you think about calling them goobacks, you might just wanna stop for a second and think about how crappy the future really is!"
Sharon,That's right! We're not raising our son to be an ignorant timecist.
Stan,Timecist?
Sharon,"You know, a racist, but against people from the-"
Stan,"People from the future. Right, got it."
Randy,"All right, good. Now, let's all go eat some of Mrs. Gruhd's great future cooking."
Announcer,"And now, here is Bill O'- Reilly."
Bill O'Reilly,"Welcome, welcome to the No-Spin Zone, all right? And what we're talkin' about today are the immigrants from the future. All right? Now, most people are more than happy to give a helping hand to these people who obviously need it. All right? But others are starting to say that the time portal should be closed off. All right? Now, I've got two guests with me tonight who have opposing views on the matter. On my right is pissed-off, white-trash, redneck conservative."
Darryl Weathers,"Thanks for having me, Bill."
Bill O'Reilly,"And on my left is aging, hippie, liberal douche."
Aging Hippie Liberal Douche,Hello.
Bill O'Reilly,"Now, pissed-off redneck, you say we shouldn't allow anyone else through the time portal, all right?"
Darryl Weathers,You're Goddamned right! These people from the future are takin' all the work away from us decent present-day Americans!  They took our jobs!
Skynard Man,They took our jobs!
Darryl Weathers,Those jobs belong to people from the present!
Bill O'Reilly,"All right. What say you, aging, hippie, liberal douche"
Aging Hippie Liberal Douche,"Heh, it's typical for conservatives rednecks like these to view the immigrants as the problem, heh, but really, the problem is America. It is our greedy multinational corporations that keep everyone else in poverty. Your ancestors came to America as immigrants. What right do you have to turn these people away?"
Bill O'Reilly,"All right, redneck, your rebuttal?"
Darryl Weathers,They took our jobs!
Skynard Man,They took our jobs!
Stout Man,Too-kourderb!
Herbert Garrison,"All right, children, the school board has mandated that I must now teach class in both present-day English and Futurespeak."
Kyle,What?!
Herbert Garrison,"So, with that in mind, let's continue our lessons on verbs. Remember that there are transitive verbs such as  ""The boy threw the red ball,"" which in Futurespeak of course, is  Everyone say it with me?  Aaand there are intransitive verbs, such as  ""The 11:15 bus from Denver arrived twelve hours late."" Or in Futurespeak, ""Vvut."""
The Kids,"""Vvut."""
Kyle,"Dude, hold on! This is bullcrap! If they wanna live in our time, then they should learn our language!"
Craig,Yeah!
Stan,That's right!
Aging Hippie Liberal Douche,"Hey now, these immigrants have a right to retain their culture. Who are we to say our language is best? They deserve to have an education just as much as you do."
Herbert Garrison,"Thank you, aging, hippie, liberal douche."
Aging Hippie Liberal Douche,You betcha.
Timmy,Timmih.
Herbert Garrison,"Okay, now let's get back to it, kids. What kind of verb is this?  ""The sad girl puts balls in her mouth."" Or, in Futurespeak of course, ""Gluch gligh balls glych gligh."""
Man 5,This is bullcrap!
Darryl Weathers,"Listen up, everybody! We've just received a reply from our congressman.  ""Dear intolerant rednecks, we sympathize with you all losing your jobs. However, we feel your solution of shooting everyone who crosses the time border is inhumane."""
Chet,What? That's ridiculous!
Man 6,They can't do that!
Man 7,That was a good idea!
Darryl Weathers,So it appears the government ain't gonna help us! Which means we gotta take matters into our own hands! The only way to stop people from the future is to stop the future from happening!
Man 8,"Hey, that's right! If there is no future, then there'll be no people from the future to come back and take our jobs!"
Man 9,Take rjurbs
Darryl Weathers,"All right! So, any ideas how we can stop the future from happening?"
Chet,"How about we cause more global warming, so that in the future, the polar ice caps melt, and it ushers in a new ice age?"
Darryl Weathers,How the hell is global warming gonna cause an ice age?!
Chet,"Well you know, the... global warming could bring on like a climate shift or somethin'?"
Darryl Weathers,"Chet, you are a fuckin' retard, you know that?! Even if global warming were real, which all proven scientific data shows it isn't, it would take millions of years for a climate shift to happen! You think an ice age can just happen all of a sudden-like?"
Chet,Well I was just tryin' to be helpful.
Darryl Weathers,"Well help yourself to a fuckin' science book, 'cause you're talkin' like a fuckin' retard! Now, come on people, we've got to think! Damnit, they took our jaorbs!"
Many Men,They took our jobs!
Kyle,"Aw, dude."
Cashier,Gaur da'ka?
Stan,Can you speak in present-day English please?
Cashier,Uh oh... Can I help... you?
Stan,"Uh yeah, I want a double cheeseburger and fries."
Cashier,Chicken sandwich?
Stan,"No, a double cheeseburger and fries!"
Cashier,A cheeg- fry?
Stan,What?!
Cashier,A cheeg- fry?
Cartman,"We can't understand you, asshole!"
Manager,Can I help you?
Stan,I'm trying to order a double cheeseburger!
Manager,Chicken sandwich?
Stan,"No, it's not a chicken sandwich!  I want a Goddamned cheeseburger and some Goddamned fries you fucking goobacks!"
Randy,Stan Marsh!
Stan,Aw- awwww!
Darryl Weathers,"Come on, people, think! How are we gonna stop these immigrants from takin' our jobs!"
Man 10,"Hey, I got an idea. Uh maybe we should all take off all our clothes, scramble into a big pile and start gettin' gay with each other."
Chet,"Did you say ""get gay""?"
Darryl Weathers,"Hey, yeah. Well that's not a bad idea!"
Man 11,What? Gettin' gay?
Darryl Weathers,"Think about it: These people are from the future, right? Well, if we can git everyone to turn queer, then there won't be no children to have no children, and the people from the future won't exist to take our jobs!"
Jimbo Kern,I ain't turnin' queer.
Darryl Weathers,"You have to, Jimbo, or else we won't be able to stop them! They too 'r jaobs!"
Man 2,"Yeah, they took our jobs!"
Man 8,Took our jobs!
Darryl Weathers,Let's go over to that part of town that all the future people moved into and start humpin' each other until they disappear! Come on!  Come on! You want your jobs back or not?!
Darryl Weathers,"All right, you future bastards! Think you can take our jubs?! Well, we'll show you! Come'ere, Earl!.  How do you like that, gooback?!  Come on, you guys!  Everyone who believes in America, join in with us! We're gonna make these future bastards nonexistent!"
Stan,"Aw, come on, Dad! How come I have to go to work with you?"
Randy,"Because you're being grounded, Stanley! Now I don't wanna hear another word out of your intolerant mouth!  You just sit right there, Stanley, and you thnk about what you've done!"
Boss,You'll find all the copiers and printers in the next room over and then uh-
Randy,"Hey, Mr. Nelson."
Mr. Nelson,"Oh... R- Randy... Uh, I'm surprised to see you here."
Randy,Why? This is my office.
Mr. Nelson,"Ooohh boy, didn't you get my phone message? Ooo, this is awkward. Well, the thing is, Randy, you've been- replaced."
Randy,What?
Mr. Nelson,"Well we found an immigrant from the future who knows geology and he offered to work for next to nothing. Uh, this is Mr. Glughgogawk."
Mr. Glughgogawk,Gheglo.
Randy,You can't be serious.
Mr. Nelson,"I'm... sssorry, Randy. It's just, with all the budget cuts and all, we'll give you some time to clean out your desk. Follow me, Mr. Glughgogawk. I'll show you to the copy room."
Randy,Oh my God. They took my jarb!!
Stan,They took yer jarb!!
Announcer,This is CNN.
Aaron Brown,Breaking news at the time border. We go now live to Harrison Moore.
Harrison Moore,"Aaron, I'm standing at the time border where some kind of mass protest has broken out.  Hundreds of men who have lost their jobs to time immigrants are here having sex with one another.  These men have apparently sucked and screwed their way across the state and are now here at the time border trying to get national attention. These unemployed men have been having sex for several days. Joining me is their spokesperson, Randy Marsh.  Mr. Marsh, what exactly are you trying to accomplish?"
Randy,"We're doing the only thing we can do. If our government is just gonna let anybody into our time who wants to come, then we have to take matters into our own hands.  We're trying to turn everyone gay so that there are no future humans! Present-day America Number One!"
Darryl Weathers,Yeah America!
Man 8,Take our jobs!
Harrison Moore,Do you really think you can get enough people to turn gay to destroy the future of humanity?
Randy,"All we can do is try, Harrison."
Aging Hippie Liberal Douche,Trying to stop immigration is intolerant and ignorant. Those immigrants have a right to pursue happiness.
Harrison Moore,"Young man, what do you think about all this?"
Stan,"I I think it's wrong to call them goobacks because they're no different from us.  They're just humans trying to make their lives better. Look, it sucks that the immigrants' time is so crappy, but the cold hard truth is that if we let them all come back to our time, then it's just gonna make our time crappy too. Maybe the answer isn't trying to stop the future from happening, but making the future better."
Man 9,Huh?
Stan,"I mean, maybe if we all commit right now to working toward a better future, then, then the future won't be so bad, and, these immigrants won't need to come back here looking for work."
Man 11,"Hey. He's right. If we build for a better future, the immigrants will stay there."
Man 12,Yeah. We've got to start working towards a brighter tomorrow.
Randy,Well what are we waiting for?
Singer,"We've got to work for a better future, we've got to join hands for tomorrow.Take the first step and you will see the future begins with you and me.We can start to make a difference if we want it for our childrenRecycle that can and plant that tree, 'cause the future begins with you and me."
Cartman,"Look, it's working!"
Singer,The future begins with you and me.
Darryl Weathers,The immigrants are fadin' away!
Stan,We're doing it!
Singer,"We've got to work for a better future, we've got to join hands for tomorrow.Take the first step and you will see the future-"
Stan,"Dude, wait, wait, ho- hold on. Wait a second.  This is gay."
Kyle,This is really gay.
Cartman,"Yeah, this is even gayer than all the men getting in a big pile and having sex with each other."
Stan,"Okay, sorry, my bad, e-everyone back in the pile."
Darryl Weathers,Back in the pile everyone!
Randy,We're going back to the pile.
Man 13,Jump in!
Man 14,"Come on, everybody!"
Man 15,"Never mind, we're going back to the pile!"
Man 16,Took yer jurb!
Cheerleaders,"We are South Park, Green and White. Let's go, Cows! Fight, fight, fight! Nobody can beat a Cow! Let's gooo, South Park!"
Red,"Hey, South Park! Do you have school spirit?"
Students,Moooooooo!
Bebe,"I think us Cows have the best school spirit. Huh, Mandy?"
Mandy,"Yeah, and South Park is really gonna stick it to Littleton next week!"
Bebe,Let's bring out our mascot and get this pep rally going!
Butters,"It's Mooey! Mooey, wave to me! Wave to me, Mooey!"
Cartman,"Butters, shut the hell up!"
Blonde PeTA Woman,We are People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals! We protest your insensitive use of cows as your school mascot!
Herbert Garrison,"Oh, Jesus, not PeTA again."
Dreadlocked PeTA Man,Cows are maimed and slaughtered and used as a commodity!
Blonde PeTA Woman,This is the fate of the cow! This is your insensitivity!
Students,Ewww!
Gas Mask PeTA Member,The cow is a slave! The cow is a commodity! To be thrown away by a society gone wrong!
Herbert Garrison,"All right, children, I have just been informed that since our school has been attacked by eco-terrorists for the 47th time, we are going to change our school mascot."
Class,Awwwwwwww!
Stan,"But, Mr. Garrison, if we change our mascot, that means the eco-terrorists win!"
Herbert Garrison,"That's right, Stanley, the eco-terrorists win.  Now, I have here a mascot selection sheet. Every student is supposed to check the box next to the mascot they like the most. And the most popular selection will be the school's new mascot."
Clyde,But we like being the Cows!
Dreadlocked PeTA man,You're responsible for the enslavement and genocide of millions!
Herbert Garrison,"Ge-get outta here, PeTA! We're changin' the mascot already!"
Dreadlocked PeTA man,Who'll speak for those who cannot speak for themselves?!
Herbert Garrison,"Oh, ge-get outta here!  Ge-get out!  Jesus, where do they keep coming from?!  Go on, get outta here."
Stan,"This is bullcrap, dude!"
Herbert Garrison,"Now children, it's not that bad. There's plenty of great new mascots on the sheet to chose from. The Hurricanes, the Blizzards, the Redskins, the Indians..."
Wendy,But aren't Indians and Redskins just as offensive?
Herbert Garrison,"No, those are fine. PETA doesn't care about people."
Cartman,"Goddammit, vegans piss me off! Now we're gonna end up with a stupid eagle or a faggy bobcat as a mascot."
Kyle,"Wait. You guys, I have an awesome idea! We should secretly go around and tell all the students we can, to not check any of the mascots on this election sheet, and instead write in ""Giant Douche."""
Cartman,Ye-heah!
Kenny,"(Yeah, totally awesome!)"
Cartman,"Yeh- no, no, wait, wait. I got a better idea you guys. What we should do is we should secretly go around and tell all the students we can to not check any of the mascots on this election sheet, and instead write in ""Turd Sandwich."""
Kyle,Turd Sandwich isn't better than Giant Douche.
Cartman,"Heh, it's only about a thousand times better, am I right guys? Come on! We have to tell everybody fast! This is gonna be so funny!"
Kyle,"It was my idea and we're gonna tell everyone to write in ""Giant Douche!"" It's way funnier!"
Cartman,It is not!
Kyle,"Kenny, what's funnier? A giant douche or a turd sandwich?"
Kenny,(Giant douche.)
Cartman,"Aw, you're just saying that because I broke your cat's leg last week."
Kyle,"Stan, do you pick giant douche or turd sandwich?"
Stan,"Dude, I really don't care."
Kyle,"That's two against one, 'cause Stan doesn't care. So it's giant douche."
Cartman,"...Wait, wait, what about Butters?"
Butters,Huh?
Kyle,You hate Butters.
Cartman,"Goddammit, you guys, Butters is our friend! And he's allowed to have his opinion! Butters, which is funnier? A stupid not-funny giant douche or a super funny turd sandwich?"
Butters,"Hahaha, a turd sandwich!"
Kyle,"You misled him, fatass!"
Cartman,"It's the best choice, and me and Butters are sticking with it."
Butters,Yeah! ...What's this for?
Kyle,"Jimmy, we're gonna have everyone write in a mascot that's really funny, and you have to tell us which one would be funnier."
Jimmy,"That's a... fantastic idea fellas. Uh, the key to successful humor is s-staying power. Uh, tell me the first mascot idea."
Kyle,A giant douche.
Jimmy,"Heh, huh okay, that's pretty funny. Now, what's the second?"
Cartman,A turd sandwich.
Jimmy,"Turhr... Ohokahay. Okay, now let's wait ten seconds.  Okay now, t-tell me the first one again?"
Kyle,Giant douche.
Jimmy,And the second?
Cartman,Turd sandwich.
Jimmy,"Gee, th-they're both screamingly funny, fellas. Better give it another ten seconds. All right, now we'll see which one really has staying power. Number one?"
Kyle,A giant douche.
Jimmy,"Okay, I think, that's it. Number 2?"
Cartman,Turd sandwich.
Jimmy,"Gee, I don't know what to say, fellas. They're both instant classics. But I guess I'll have to go with giant douche, simply because the fact that it's a giant renders it useless, adding a parody slant to the satire."
Cartman,Awwwww!
Butters,"Ohhh, we lost?"
Kyle,"All right, it's decided. Let's all write in ""Giant Douche."""
Cartman,"Okay. You win, Kyle."
Herbert Garrison,"Attention students, we have tallied your mascot nomination sheets, and there will now be a school-wide vote between the top two nominations. So here is the first most-requested candidate, a giant douche."
"Kyle, Kenny","Go, giant douche!"
Giant Douche,"Hey, South Park! Have we got school spirit?!  We've got spirit, yes we do! Giant douches, me and you! Let's gooooo, Douches!"
Herbert Garrison,"And now your second nominee, Turd Sandwich."
Cartman,All right turd sandwich!
Butters,Yeah!
Kyle,Cartman? What the hell?!
Cartman,Giant Douche sucks!
Turd Sandwich,"We've got spirit, yes we do! We are sandwiches filled with poo! Yeeaahhh!"
Herbert Garrison,Students can now cast their choice between the Giant Douche and the Turd Sandwich. We'll count up the votes on Tuesday.
Kyle,"You won't get more votes than us, asshole!"
Cartman,"Game on, Jew-boy!"
Butters,"Yeah, game on, Jew-boy!"
Kyle,Be sure to vote for Giant Douche.
Kenny,(Giant Douche! Vote for him!)
Kyle,Giant Douche is your man!
Stan,"Kyle, aren't you taking this a little too far? I mean, do we really want a giant douche to be our school mascot?"
Kyle,"Dude, I'm not going to lose to Cartman's stupid turd sandwich."
Cartman,Vote for Turd Sandwich. This is the most important election of our lives.  Turd Sandwich brings us hope for change. A vote for Turd Sandwich is a Vote for tomorrow!
Kyle,There. Do you really want that asshole to win?
Stan,I'm not voting!
Kyle,"What? Y-you gotta vote, dude. Haven't you seen the Rock the Vote stuff or, or Puff Daddy's Vote or Die?!"
Stan,I just think this whole thing is stupid!
Kyle,"Kenny, we have got to make Stan understand the importance of voting, because he'll definitely vote for our guy."
Kenny,(Yeah.)
Sharon,"How was school today, Stanley?"
Stan,It was ridiculous. We have to have a new school mascot and we're supposed to vote between a giant douche and a turd sandwich.
Sharon,...What did you say?
Randy,Did you just say that... voting is ridiculous?
Stan,"No, I think voting is great, but, if I have to choose between a douche and a turd, I just don't see the point."
Randy,"You don't see the point! Oh, you young people just make me sick!"
Sharon,"Stanley, do you know how many people died so you could have the right to vote?!"
Stan,"Mom, a-I just don't think there's much of a difference between a douche and a turd. I d-I don't care."
Randy,You don't care?! You really want a turd sandwich as your school mascot?! On your football helmets?! A turd?!
Sharon,"Well, hold on, Randy, I think a turd sandwich is a little better than them having a giant douche on their uniforms."
Randy,You're crazy!! A d-a douche is at least clean!
Sharon,"It's sexist, is what it is!"
Randy,"You don't understand the issues, Sharon!"
Sharon,Are you calling me ignorant?!
Randy,You think the school mascot should be a turd sandwich? Well you're not exactly Einstein!
Sharon,"I am sick of you belittling my opinion, you son of a bitch!"
Shelly,"I hate this family, I hate it!"
Stan,Puff Daddy?
Puff Daddy,Your friend Kyle told me you don't understand the importance of voting.
Stan,I...
Puff Daddy,"Apparently, you haven't heard of my ""Vote or Die"" campaign."
Stan,"""Vote or Die""?  What the hell does that even mean?!"
Puff Daddy,"What you think it means, bitch!"
Stan,Aaaah!
Posse,"Vote or die, motherfucker, motherfucker, vote or die!"
Puff Daddy,Rock the vote or else I'm gonna stick a knife through your eye.
Posse,Democracy is founded on one simple rule!
Puff Daddy,Get out there and vote or I will motherfucking kill you. Yeah.
Puff Daddy,"I like it when you vote, bitch! (bitch!)Shake them titties when you vote, bitch! (bitch!)I slam my jimmy through your mouth roof (mouth roof)Now get your big ass in the pollin' booth.I said vote, bitch, or I'll fucking kill you!"
Posse,"Vote or die, motherfucker, motherfucker, vote or die!"
Puff Daddy,"You can't run from a .38, go ahead and try!"
Posse,Let your opinion be heard! You gotta make a choice
Puff Daddy,'Cause after I slit your throat you won't have a fucking voice
Puff Daddy,Vote or die! Vote or die!
Stan,...Okay. I'll vote.
Cartman,"Hello, Clyde."
Clyde,What do you guys want?
Cartman,"We were just wondering who you might be voting for, for the school's new mascot."
Clyde,I haven't decided yet.
Cartman,"Oh really? Well, that's interesting. You certainly should think about it and make the right decision.  Butterscotch candy?"
Clyde,Sure.
Cartman,"Clyde, are you aware of what Turd Sandwich can bring to our school?"
Butters,"A turd sandwich is not only the first turd to be nominated school mascot, but even the first sandwich."
Cartman,"You see, what Turd Sandwich brings to our school, Clyde, is a complete package. The turd and the bread. And the lettuce, and the olives."
Butters,"Whe-where as Giant Douche is just, well, ju-just a, ju-ju-just a giant douche."
Cartman,"So, come voting day, you'll now most likely vote for the turd sandwich, yes?"
Clyde,I'm still not totally sure.
Cartman,"Well then, perhaps we could interest you in  another butterscotch candy?"
Kyle,"You're doing the right thing, Stan. Don't you feel like you're a part of something now?"
Stan,I guess...
Kyle,"Look, it may not seem important now, but your vote really does count, and we all have to do our part."
Stan,Okay.
Kyle,"Woah... wait, what are you doing?"
Stan,I'm voting.
Kyle,"No, no, you... you wrote down Turd Sandwich."
Stan,"Yeah, I know."
Kyle,"...Dude, you're supposed to vote for Giant Douche."
Stan,I thought I was supposed to make my own decision.
Kyle,"Well yeah, but not if your decision is for Turd Sandwich! What the hell is wrong with you?!"
Stan,"Wait a minute, you didn't want me to vote, you wanted me to vote for your guy!"
Kyle,"Well, I just figured you'd vote for my guy! Who's fuckin' friend are you?!  Puffy!"
Cartman,"Hey, fuck off, Kyle.  Don't let them intimidate you, Stan. I'll help walk you to the booth. And then I'm gonna buy you a nice steak dinner with all the trimmings."
Stan,"Oh, forget it! I'm not gonna be persuaded into voting and I'm and I'm not gonna be threatened into voting if I don't feel comfortable with it! I'm not gonna vote and you can all just live with it!"
Principal Victoria,"We've simply had it with your son, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh. Voting just doesn't appear to be important to him."
Randy,"Stanley, when you left for school this morning, you said you were going to vote!"
Stan,The whole thing is a joke!
Sharon,You see? He's out of control. It's nearly torn our whole family apart.
Principal Victoria,"Well, my hands are tied. We can no longer have Stan's behavior jeopardizing the other children. He must be removed."
Randy,"Oh! Are you happy now, Stan? You just got yourself suspended!"
Principal Victoria,"No, I'm afraid it's worse than that. By county law I'm bound to enforce the harshest punishment possible."
Randy,Expulsion?!
Principal Victoria,No. Banishment.
Stan,B-bani-banishment?
Principal Victoria,"You can appeal to the city council, but I don't think it'll do any good. Your son must leave South Park, never to return."
Sharon,"Oh, Randy!"
Randy,"Our son, banished! Where did we go wrong?!"
Stan,"You-you're all joking, right?"
Mayor McDaniels,"As it was in the times of our forefathers, so it is now. Stan Marsh, for not following our most sacred of rites, you are hereby banished from South Park for all eternity. Or until you decide that voting is important. Good-bye, Stan. May the gods treat you more kindly than we did."
Kyle,"Stan, don't you think this has gone far enough? Is it really that big a deal?  Yeah, just vote. For Giant Douche."
Stan,I'm not voting!
A bodyguard,"Yo, Puffy man, are we just gonna let this happen?  We've gots to kill this non-votin' fool!"
Puff Daddy,"No, Justacious, let him go. He won't survive a fore-night in the wilderness."
Randy,"This is breaking your mother's heart, Stan. She couldn't even help tie you to the horse."
Stan,"Dad, isn't this a little extreme?"
Randy,"Jesus. I guess maybe you'll never understand how important voting is.  Goodbye, Son.  That's... one of the hardest things a parent ever has to do."
Bearded PeTA Member,Look! What is that?
Blonde PeTA Member 2,"Oh, the poor thing!"
Stan,Hello?
Blonde PeTA Member 2,"Don't worry, we'll free you."
Bearded PeTA Member,Just sit still for a moment.
Stan,"Oh, thank God."
Bearded PeTA Member,"Get offa him, you filthy human!"
Blonde PeTA Member 2,Poor thing needs water.
Bearded PeTA Member,You're safe now.
Blonde PeTA Member 2,"Shame on you, making this horse your slave."
Stan,Awww!
Blonde PeTA Member 2,"Come, you can live with us."
Bearded PeTA Member,We will give you food and shelter.
Stan,What about me?
Bearded PeTA Member,Open the gate!
Blonde PeTA Member,This poor creature is in need of food and water.
Balding Man,"You have a home here, friend."
Bearded PeTA Member,"The... kid wants to stay, too."
Stan,I was put on the horse. I didn't wanna ride it.
Balding Man,"I don't know if you can stay. We'll have to ask Dr. Cornwallis. Come.  We don't normally allow outsiders. See, here we live in harmony with animals. They're not our pets but our fellow living beings. We work with the animals and try to live as they do.  We make friends with the animals. We coexist, and we... intermarry.  This is my wife, Janice.  The outside world looks down on a man marrying a llama, but our love knows no boundaries."
Stan,"Wow, you guys really love animals."
Balding Man,And why not? Mark here has been with Kelly for three years now.  And Gary and Sally here have just managed to have a child together.
Ostrich-baby,Kill me...
Balding Man,"Yes, life here is good and natural. But now that you know where our compound is, you'll either have to live with us, or be murdered."
Stan,I'll live with you.
Balding Man,It's not up to you. You'll have to talk with Dr. Cornwallis.  What did he say?
Stan,He said I can stay.
Balding Man,Excellent! Dr. Cornwallis is wise beyond his year. Here's your PeTA shirt and a bumper sticker.
Announcer,"This is Debate 2004 with your host, Jim Lehrer."
Jim Lehrer,"Welcome to the cable-access televised debate between a giant douche  and a turd sandwich  We'll start with Giant Douche. Sir, some students and parents are reluctant to have a... giant douche represent them. What do you say to those people?"
Giant Douche,"Jim, first of all I would like to thank you for monitoring this debate. And I would like to thank all of the students and their parents for coming."
Cartman,"Aww, suck-up, suck-up!  What?! That's an obvious suck-up move."
Giant Douche,But I would hope that those students and their parents who question my qualities would simply look at my opponent. He is a turd sandwich
Turd Sandwich,You're a turd sandwich.
Giant Douche,"... No, sir, if you'll pardon me, you are in fact, the turd sandwich."
Turd Sandwich,You're a turd sandwich.
Giant Douche,"... Sir, you are a turd sandwich."
Turd Sandwich,You're a turd sandwich.
Jim Lehrer,"Ahh, Turd Sandwich, I will ask you not to speak out of turn."
Turd Sandwich,"I-I'm sorry, Jim."
Giant Douche,"Anyway, as I was saying, ahh... wait, I-I forgot what I was saying."
Turd Sandwich,Ha. What a douche.
Jim Lehrer,"All right, Turd Sandwich, this next question is for you. How should South Park Elementary enforce its laws of conduct for young athletes during sporting events."
Turd Sandwich,"...Uh, you know, uh, my opponent wouldn't even know the answer to that question. If you ask him the same question, he would not answer it.  He would stand around and just babble on and on about nothing until he was finally saved by the buzze-."
Jim Lehrer,"Your time is up, Turd."
Balding Man,"Stan, I want to introduce you to my stepdaughter, Teresa.  She seems to have taken a liking to you.  And she's ovulating."
Stan,"Ahh, no thanks, that's okay."
Balding Man,"Stan, some PETA members are growing concerned that maybe you don't love animals."
Stan,"I do love animals, just ...not like you guys do."
Balding Man,"You... don't belong here, Stan. You should return home."
Stan,I can't. I was banished for not voting.
Balding Man,"But, why on earth wouldn't you wanna vote?"
Stan,I think voting is great. I just didn't care this time because it was between a giant douche and a turd sandwich.
Balding Man,"But Stan, don't you know? It's always between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. Nearly every election since the beginning of time has been between some douche and some turd. They're the only people who suck up enough to make it that far in politics."
Stan,I guess... I guess you're right.
Puff Daddy,"Yo, what did I say was going to happen to you, bitch?"
Stan,Aaah!
Man in Shorts,Aaaah!! He's wearing the skin of an animal!  Take that!  I... hope that teaches you a lesson about being hurt.
Puff Daddy,"Itius, Rodicus!"
Bodyguard,Vote or die!
Stan,Aaaah!!
PeTA Man,Protect the animals! Protect the animals!
Balding Man,"Janice, we shall die together in each other's arms!"
Ostrich-baby,Kill me! Kill meee!!
Mr. Mackey,M'kay... that's one more vote for Turd Sandwich.
Randy,"So who won, Mr. Mackey?"
Mr. Mackey,"It's pretty close, but it looks like Giant Douche is gonna win."
Cartman,"Oh, no! Noooo!!"
Kyle,"Ha! You lose, fatass!"
Butters,"Uh hey, wait a minute!"
Randy,Stan!
Sharon,"Stan, you came back. Does that mean... you learned the importance of voting?"
Stan,I learned that I'd better get used to having to pick between a douche and a turd sandwich because it's usually the choice I'll have.
Randy,He's going to vote!
Townsfolk,He's going to vote. He's going to vote.
Singer,"Let's get out the vote! Let's make our voices heard!We've been given the right to choose between a douche and a turd.It's democracy in action! Put your freedom to the test.A big, fat turd or a stupid douche. Which do you like best?"
Mr. Mackey,"Stan's vote bring the total votes for Turd Sandwich to... thirty six! And Giant Douche has... one thousand, four hundred, and ten. Giant Douche still wins!"
Some Townsfolk,Yeah! All right!
Other Townsfolk,Aawwww!
Stan,"Dude, so my vote didn't even really matter!"
Randy,"Hey! That's not true, Stan."
Sharon,You can't judge the merits of voting on whether or not your candidate won.
Randy,Your vote still mattered.
Herbert Garrison,Hey everybody!  They just found all the PETA members murdered at their compound!
Mr. Mackey,"What the? They're all dead? Well, that means..."
Clyde,That we can go back to being the South Park Cows!
All,Hooray! All right!
Randy,Now your vote didn't matter.
Cartman,"You guys know what? Um, the last thing you do when you die, is crap your pants."
Stan,...What?
Cartman,"Yeah, when you die, your jowels release and crap comes flying out your ass."
Kyle,"That is fucking stupid, Cartman!"
Cartman,"Oh yeah?! I'll bet you five bucks that when you die you crap your pants, asshole!"
Herbert Garrison,"Hey everybody, it's time!  It's time!"
Townsfolk,"It's time. Oh, it's time? It's happening. It's happening now? Let's go!"
Stan,It's time for what?
Herbert Garrison,Get down to Metzger's Field! It's about to happen!
Manager,People of South Park I am pleased to be with you on this most historic day. A day you were certainly all remember... as the day your town... became great. The grand opening of the first South Park... Wall-Mart!
Randy,"Look at it, honey. It's so big."
Herbert Garrison,It's like we're a real town now.
Cartman,"Whoa, awesome!"
Kyle,Hey! Isn't there where Stark's Pond used to be? Where we used to kayak and fish?
Man,Yeah! Now it's a Wall-Mart!
Manager,"I know that with the opening of the South Park branch of Wall-Mart, you will all see your town completely change...  Now, shop friends. Shop!"
Randy,It's beautiful!
Marvin Marsh,Welcome to Wall-Mart. Welcome to Wall-Mart. ...Welcome to Wall-Mart.
Sheila,"Sharon, isn't that your father?"
Sharon,Yes. Wall-Mart is the leading employer of seniors. And they also employ the handicapped.
Jimmy,"Hello, Mrs. M-marsh. Can I help g- Can I help you get a sh- shopping cart today?"
Sharon,"Why yes, I'd love one, Jimmy."
Chef,My God. Look at all these incredible bargains.
Cartman,"Dude, check it out! Time Cop on DVD. Three copies for eighteen bucks!"
Kyle,Why the hell would you want three copies of the same movie?
Cartman,Because one copy is nine ninety-eight! But this way you save like twenty bucks!
Kyle,"You only need one copy, r-tard!"
Cartman,"Okay, fine, dumbass, YOU go ahead and buy one copy for nine ninety-eight!"
Kyle,"Okay, fine, I will!  H-wait a minute! I don't even want one copy of Time Cop!"
Cartman,"Dude, you can't shop for crap."
Woman,I can't believe these bargains.
Manager,Fools. Ignorant fools.
Randy,"Just look at the Marsh family, huh? Brand-new television, new plastic dishware and cups, and enough bulk-buy ramen to last us a thousand winters."
Stan,"Dad, how come Wall-Mart is able to sell everything so cheap?"
Randy,"It's simple economics, son. I don't understand it at all, but, God I love it."
Whispers,"Six ninety-nine, fifteen dollars, free for fifteen ninety-eight..."
Randy,Aaaah!  Yeaaah... &lt;/&gt;
Sharon,"Randy, what are you doing?!"
Randy,Anu-nothing!  I'ma-I'ma-I'm just gonna head down to the Wall-Mart real quick.
Sharon,It's almost midnight.
Randy,"Yeah, think about it. If I go there now, there won't be anybody else there.  I can all the bargains to myself!"
Elderly Woman,Thanks for coming to Wall-Mart.  All are welcome. All are welcome!
Cartman,Excuse me! Hello?! Can somebody tell my why we're going to Jim's Drugs to buy Voltar cards when Wall-Mart has them for three bucks cheaper?
Kyle,"Dude, I can't deal with Wall-Mart right now. My parents had me there for three hours last night."
Mr. Farkle,"Oh, sorry boys. I'm going out of business."
Kyle,"Why, Mr. Farkle?"
Mr. Farkle,"I can't compete with Wall-Mart's low prices. Everyone is shopping there now, and... well, I can't make ends meet.  I've got to sell the store and try to find another line of work."
Kyle,"Cartman, stop it!"
Cartman,"What? I just felt like playing a little violin, Kyle."
Mr. Farkle,"I appreciate your business, boys, but you'll have to try somewhere else in town."
Kyle,"See?! That sucks, dude!"
Cartman,"What? That's called progress, Kyle."
Kyle,"Yeah, but what about all the people getting laid off from the grocery stores?  And what about all the-"
Cartman,... Whatever. I can go get another one at Wall-Mart. It was only five bucks.
Stan,"Come on, let's go to Main Street and support one of those stores."
Kyle,What the hell?
Stan,Butters?
Kyle,Butters? What the hell are you doing?
Butters,Wull ah I'm just playin' Monster. It's kinda spooky out here.
Stan,"Dude, we gotta show our parents what Wall-Mart is doing to our town."
Stan,"Dad?  Jesus Christ, Da-dad! Dad?!"
Randy,Staaaan?
Stan,"Dad, oh my God!"
Randy,Staan...
Stan,"What? D-dad, are are you dying?"
Randy,"No, I'm just... really, really tired. I... was shopping at Wall-Mart all night."
Stan,But you-your face!
Randy,Checkout line... They had these... little stickers filled with glitter! They were only ninety nine cents for 15 of them. I couldn't resist! Do you want one?  Here. It's a little turtle.
Manager,"Come in?  Oh hello, fine shoppers."
Chef,"Sir, we just had a big town meeting, and decided we don't want your Wall-Mart here anymore."
Randy,"We're sorry, but it seems our Main Street is dying and good people are losing their jobs. We'd all like you... out of South Park."
Manager,"What? What, you think I want to be here? I hate this place. But it... won't let me leave."
Kyle,But you run the Wall-Mart.
Manager,"Oh, you're wrong!  Wall-Mart... isn't run by anybody! First it reels you in with its bargains. Next thing you know you, you're workingbe at the Wall-Mart because it has all the jobs. Then you're sitting in a little office, trapped on all sides."
Chef,They why don't you just quit?!
Manager,Not so loud! It can hear you.
Kyle,"You hate Wall-Mart, too?"
Manager,"Aah!  I didn't say that! I love Wall-Mart! With all its... fantastic bargains and one-stop shopping, who can't love it, right?  Uh, Wa-Wall-Mart takes the hassle out of shopping and, and makes it both affordable and fun.  Ah-and Wall-Mart really gives back to the community! Us people are certainly happy to have a store like Wall-Mart, aren't we?"
Randy,"Hey, wait a minute, I think we just got squirreled."
Gerald,Yeah. That guy probably thinks he can get us to go away by being so goofy!
Cartman,"Ha! You owe me five bucks, Kyle!"
Sharon,"Here we go, everyone. I got three nice steaks from South Park Grocery. We'll have to share them."
Randy,"Heh, I remember when we could afford to buy six steaks when we shopped at Wall-Mart."
Stan,"Yeah, but Dad, the whole town agreed not to shop at Wall-Mart anymore."
Randy,"I know, I know! God!  Bleeeh!"
Stan,"Mom, Dad, when people die, do they always crap their-"
Shelly,"Oh, you stupid turd!"
Randy,"Oh Jesus, a broken glass! Well, I don't see any choice now! We have to go to Wall-Mart!"
Sharon,We do?
Randy,"Huh! Where else are we gonna get a new glass at this hour?! Everyone get your shoes on, we're goin' to Wall-Mart!"
Stan,"But Dad, we're not supposed to shop at-"
Randy,Stan! One family buying one glass isn't gonna make a difference!
Randy,"Heeeey...  Gerald, what are you doing?! We said we weren't going to shop at the Wall-Mart anymore!"
Gerald,Well where else was I gonna get a napkin dispenser at nine thirty at night?
Randy,"Mr. Garrison! Chef! Jimbo!  Now, come on people! What the hell is wrong with you?! Don't you see what you're all doing?!"
Herbert Garrison,"Well what are you doing here, Randy?"
Randy,I came because I wanted to make sure nobody was shopping here.
Stan,Dad!
Randy,"Oh all right, em maybe I was gonna buy a glass. One glass! ... And some chips... And butter.  And some new pliers."
Gerald,"Jesus! Look at us! We all don't like the Wall-Mart, but we can't stop coming here."
Jimbo,It's like some mystical evil force.
Randy,Yeah. This place has a power over us we can't resist! We have to find a way to put the South Park Wall-Mart out of business once and for all!
Herbert Garrison,Let's burn it down!
Chef,"No, no, no! Let's freeze it!"
Stephen,I think it's best we try to reason with it.
Kyle,"No! All we have to do is not shop at Wall-Mart anymore! If you want it to go away, all it takes is a little self-control and personal responsibility."
Randy,"Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya."
All,"Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord..."
Cartman,"You butthole, Kyle. You just had to go and ruin everything, didn't you?"
Kyle,It wasn't my idea to burn the Wall-Mart down.
Cartman,"No, but you got everyone all worked up! You're always jealous of the Wall-Mart. You always hated it."
Kyle,"Dude, our town is going to be better without the-  What the?"
Cartman,"Oh, awesome!"
Kyle,"How... How did this happen?  Mom, Dad? Why are you shopping here?"
Gerald,"We can't destroy it, son. We have to learn to live with it."
Randy,Can I help you?
Stan,"Dad, what are you doing?!"
Randy,You get a discount working here. Ten percent. That means the bargains are even better.
Stan,"Dad, you're a geologist!"
Randy,"I'll make less money, sure, but... as long as I buy everything at Wall-Mart, it'll all even out. Don't you see? Wall-Mart isn't our enemy, it's our neighborhood friend."
Kyle,Hey! Hey!  Who the hell told you to put this thing back up?!
Driver,"Sorry kid, we've got orders from corporate headquarters."
Kyle,But nobody wants a Wall-Mart here!
Driver,You're gonna have to talk to the higher-ups.
Stan,Where are they?
Driver,"Bentonville, Arkansas. That's where Wall-Mart started, that's where all the bigwigs are."
Kyle,"Looks like we're gonna have to go to Arkansas. Come on, guys. We're gonna put a stop to Wall-Mart once and for all!"
Cartman,"Whoa, Pixie Sticks, twenty-nine ceeeents?  Wall-Mart? ...Are you speaking to me? ...My friends? ...Trying to hurt you again?  Yes, Wall-Mart. I understand."
Stan,"Three tickets to Bentonville, Arkansas, please."
Cartman,Wait! Guys! Hold on! I wanna go with you and help out.
Kyle,No way! You wanna go with us so you can betray us at some point and keep us from destroying the Wall-Mart.
Cartman,Nuh-uh.
Kyle,"Yeah, huh! You wanna go with us so that later you go, ""Haha, I was working for Wall-Mart all along"" or something."
Cartman,"I am not, Kyle!"
Stan,"Dude, just let him come. The bus is about to leave."
Kyle,"All right, fine. Come on, fatass!"
Cartman,Haha. You fools have no idea that I would never let you hurt the Wall-Mart.
Kyle,I heard that!
Cartman,You heard what?
Kyle,You said we have no idea that you're never let us hurt Wall-Mart!
Cartman,That's not what I said!
Stan,"Dude, come on!"
Kyle,He is working for the Wall-Mart to stop us from succeeding!
Stan,"Dude, we have to go!"
Kyle,God-damnit!
Stan,"Well hurry up if you're coming, Cartman!"
Cartman,Hehe. You stupid fools have no idea  that I'm actually working for the Wall-Mart to stop you from succeeding!
Stan,"Goddamn, that took a long time."
Kyle,It would've been faster if Cartman hadn't slashed the tires!
Cartman,I did not! I wanna close Wall-Mart just as much as you guys do!
Receptionist,Can I help you?
Kyle,Yeah. We've come to complain. We don't want a Wall-Mart in our town.
Receptionist,"Who does? Nobody likes what the Wall-Mart does, but it keeps... right on doing it."
Kyle,We want to talk to who's in charge.
Receptionist,In charge? I guess that would be Harvey Brown. He's the current president of Wall-Mart. One of the original creators.
Stan,Where's he?
Harvey Brown,"We... invented the Wall-Mart Super Center in 1987. The idea was simple: build a store for one-stop shopping where bulk purchases could keep prices incredibly low.  We didn't know what we were doing. In just four years, it was out of control."
Kyle,So how do we stop it?
Harvey Brown,You don't stop it.
Stan,There has to be a way!
Harvey Brown,"There's nothing! Don't you understand?! Nothing can stop the Wall-Mart in your town! ...Unless... of course, you can find and destroy its heart."
Kyle,The heart of Wall-Mart?
Cartman,"Sir, don't you think you're talking a little too much?"
Harvey Brown,"Every Wall-Mart has a heart, somewhere near the television department. Destroy the heart and you could reverse the entire process!"
Cartman,"You speak too much, sir!"
Stan,Why don't you guys just destroy the heart?
Harvey Brown,"Because the Wall-Mart stops you. Many have tried, kid. Union leaders, nature activists, even the best fair-trade lawyers tried to stop the Wall-Mart and now. They are Wall-Mart shoppers all."
Kyle,"All right. Come on you guys, we have to get back home."
Harvey Brown,"It won't work, don't you understand?! It isn't gonna stop until there's nothing but Wall-Mart left! Jesus, what did we do?! What did we do?!  Boys!  Tell the world... I'm sorry!"
Stan,"No, dude, don't!"
Cartman,"That's ten bucks you owe me, dick-face!"
Kyle,"All right, this is it! If Wall-Mart has a heart, we have to find it and destroy it! No matter what the Wall-Mart does to try to stop us, we have to be strong! Let's do it."
Cartman,"I'm afraid not, Kyle! Wall-Mart is a great store! I could not let you fools ruin its terrific bargains! You see, I was working for Wall-Mart all along!"
Kyle,I knew you were!
Cartman,"No, you didn't."
Kyle,"Yes, I did! I said from the beginning that you would do this!"
Cartman,"No, you didn't."
Kyle,"Yes, I did!"
Cartman,"No, you didn't."
Kyle,"Yes, I did!"
Cartman,"No, you didn't."
Kyle,"Yes, I did!"
Cartman,"No, you didn't."
Kyle,Yes. I did!
Cartman,"...You see, Kyle, it was me who slashed the bu-"
Kyle,-slashed the bus tires in Arkansas! I said so! I told you the minute that I-  -and I told you that-
Cartman,"I can't hear you! Lalalalalala!  I'm sorry, boys. But if you want to hurt the Wall-Mart, you'll have to go through me!"
Kyle,"We don't have time for this! Kenny, keep him away from us!"
Cartman,"Very well, Kenny! Let us battle!  Ow, Kenny. K-Kenny! Knock it off."
Marvin Marsh,Welcome to Wall-Mart.
Stan,"Save it, Grandpa!"
Kyle,We've gotta find the television department.
Randy,"Boys, these axes are only four ninety-nine."
Stan,"Dad, we know how to destroy the Wall-Mart."
Randy,Shhhhh! What are you talking about?
Stan,One of the creators told us. You have to take your keys over to the television department.
Randy,"Television department... All right, come on, let's go!  Oh my God!"
Stan,What?!
Randy,Those two-dollar salt-and-pepper shakers! They were three dollars five minutes ago! The Wall-Mart is lowering its prices trying to stop us!
Stan,"Come on, we've got to try to make it to the back!"
Randy,Gaaah! Don't look! Don't look at its bargains!
Kyle,I think I see the television department in the back!
Stan,"Is that the right way, Dad? Dad?!  Dad!"
Randy,The screwdriver set is only nine ninety-eight!
Stan,"Come on, Dad!"
Randy,"I can't make it, boys! You're gonna have to go on without me!"
Stan,"No, dad! We need your keys!"
Randy,This bargain is too great for me! I'm gonna have to buy these! Here! Take the keys and go on!  The television department is near the back! Next to the cell phones! Go! Hurry! I'm gonna go buy these screwdrivers!
Stan,There! The television department!
Wall-Mart,"Hello, boys. Congratulations on getting this far."
Kyle,Who are you?
Wall-Mart,I am... Wall-Mart.
Stan,You?
Wall-Mart,I've taken this form in order to talk to you. But I can take many forms.  Does this suit you better? Or perhaps you prefer this form?  I can take whichever form I like.
Stan,We don't want your store in our town; we come to destroy you.
Kyle,Where's the heart?
Wall-Mart,"To find the heart of Wall-Mart, one must first ask oneself, ""Who is it that asked the question?"""
Stan,Me. I'm asking the question.
Wall-Mart,"Ah, yes, but who are you?"
Stan,"Stan Marsh. Now, where's the heart?"
Wall-Mart,"Ah. You know the answer, but not the question!"
Kyle,"The question is, ""Where is the heart?"""
Wall-Mart,Very well. You want to see the heart of Wall-Mart? It lies beyond that plasma-screen television.
Stan,It's a mirror.
Wall-Mart,"Yes, don't you see? That is the heart of Wall-Mart. You, the consumer. I take may forms: Wall-Mart, K-Mart, Target. But I am one single entity: Desire!"
Stan,"Well, the guy in Arkansas said to destroy the heart."
Wall-Mart,"Gaaah! No! No, what have you done?!  Now you shall see my true form!  Now you see me as I truly am!"
Kyle,We'd better get out of here.
Chef,Get out! It's gonna blow!
Stan,"H-Dad, come on! We've gotta get out!"
Randy,"Too late for me, son! I have to buy this stuff!"
Kyle,The Wall-Mart is imploding! Everybody out now!
Herbert Garrison,"Boys, you did it! You killed the Wall-Mart!"
Gerald,"How did you do it, Kyle?"
Kyle,All Wall-Marts start a self-destruction sequence if you break a mirror in the back.
Chef,We know how to destroy it now. Spread the word to all the towns!
Randy,Wait. I think I understand the symbolism of the mirror. The Wall-Mart... is us.
Kyle,Duh.
Randy,"You see boys, if we like our small-town charm more than the big corporate bullies, we all have to be willing to... pay a little bit more. Do you understand?"
Gerald,Yeah! Let's all go shop at Jim's Drugs down the street!
Crowd,"...Oh Lord, Kumbaya."
Randy,"All right, let's not make that mistake again."
Herbert Garrison,"Yeah, lets all shop over at True Value!"
Crowd,Let's go! Yeah!
Clyde,"Yeah, and it was called Man from Atlantis, and he had like, webbed fingers..."
Stan,"Kyle, Kenny! I have to talk to you right now!"
Kyle,"Okay, hang on a second I-"
Stan,"Right now, goddamnit!"
Kyle,"All right, all right!  Dude, what is the matter with you?"
Stan,Trent Boyett is being released from Juvenile Hall.
Kenny,(What?!)
Kyle,Trent Boyett?! The kid from preschool?!
Stan,Yeah! He just got paroled!
Kyle,"Oh, no! No!"
Cartman,"Hey gay-butts, what's goin' on?"
Kyle,Trent Boyett is being released from Juvenile Hall.
Cartman,"Really? That's cool. When did-  What did you say?  Trent Boyett?! Meanest, dirtiest, toughest kid in the world, super-pissed off at us, Trent Boyett?!"
Kyle,Yeah.
Cartman,"Oh, Holy Jesus, God..."
Stan,What the hell are we gonna do??
Butters,Is it true?! Trent Boyett is getting out?!
Cartman,It's true.
Butters,"Oh Jesus, Oh Christ in Heaven, I gotta hide!  Uh, oh boy!"
Cartman,"He's gonna come for us, you guys. We are dead men."
Kyle,"Look, maybe he's forgiven us. I mean, we were only in preschool"
Stan,"Dude, let's play Fireman."
Kyle,"Totally, dude, let's play Fireman."
Cartman,Jews can't be firemen.
Kyle,"Shut up, fatass!"
Cartman,"Don't call me fat, you stupid Jew!"
Kenny,(How about we put a real fire out?)
Stan,"Hey, Kenny's right. We should put out a real fire. Then we'll be heroes!"
Cartman,But how do we start a fire?
Kyle,"Trent Boyett will do it. He's the toughest, baddest kid in preschool!"
Trent,Say Uncle!
Boy,Uncle!
Trent,Say Uncle!!!!!!
Boy,Uncle!
Trent,What do you shitheads want?!
Kyle,Do you know how to start a fire?
Trent,Sure! I burn lots stuff.
Stan,Start one. Then we're gonna put it out.
Kyle,We're firemen!
Trent,Do you fuckheads even know how to put out a fire?
Stan,"Yeah, yeah. We play Fireman all the time."
Cartman,"Don't worry, Trent."
Trent,"All right, fine."
Butters,"Hey fellas, you'd better be careful."
Cartman,"Shut up, Butters! We know what we're doing!"
Butters,"Oh, all right then."
Stan,"Wow, cool!"
Kyle,Code 7! Bring in the firemen!
Stan,"Woo, woo, woo, woo. Clang, clang, clang, clang, clang!  Come on, firemen! Put out the fire!"
Stan,We're heroes!
Kyle,We saved the school!
Trent,Put it out!
Teacher,"Trent Boyett, what have you done now?!"
Trent,They said they could put it out!
Teacher,"Children, get back away, now!  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!   I'M BUUURNIIIING!!!"
Stan,"Put it out, put it out!"
Paramedic,"Come on, hurry! We've gotta get her to the hospital!"
Stan,"Dude, we are in so much trouble!"
Kyle,My mom is gonna break my legs!
Cartman,"Hey, we didn't start the fire, Trent Boyett did."
Stan,That's true.
Officer,You boys! Trent is trying to tell us the fire was your idea.
Stan,No!
Kyle,Not us. We're good kids.
Trent,Tell them it was an accident: you thought you could put it out.
Cartman,"Trent Boyett is a liar, sir."
Officer,"I thought so. All right, that's it, Trent. You're going to Juvenile Hall for a long time!"
Trent,"Butters, you saw! Tell them what happened!"
Butters,"U-Ah, gee-whiz, Trent. Ah, I don't wanna get involved. Or else my parents will ground me."
Trent,You'd better pray I never get out of Juvenile Hall! You'd better all pray!
Kyle,"Dude, when he gets out of Juvenile Hall, he's gonna wanna kill us!"
Cartman,Whatever. That's like five years from now.
Stan,"Yeah, who cares?"
The Boys,"All right, yeah, woohoo, we did it!"
Stan,Now it's five years later. And Trent Boyett is being released.
Cartman,"Oh Jesus, he's gonna kill us. We-we've gotta tell our parents!"
Kyle,"We can't tell our parents, dude! We lied to everybody! Nobody knows we're responsible for Ms. Claridge's accident!"
Stan,"Sshhh, here comes Ms. Claridge now."
The Boys,"Hello, Ms. Claridge."
Stan,"Are you having a nice day, Ms. Claridge?"
Cartman,"You guys, what the fuck are we gonna do?! In case you've forgotten, Trent Boyett is the meanest kid we ever knew. He's gonna tear us apart!"
Kyle,"Look, that was a long time ago. Maybe Trent Boyett has forgotten all about it."
Warden,"Everything that you had when you were first brought in here will now be returned.  One Crayola eight-pack with crayon sharpener. One pair of plastic round-tipped scissors. One marble, blue. And one  switch-blade knife with ""Kill all betrayers"" written on the blade, black.  Trent! Where are you gonna do?"
Trent,I gots some business to take care of.
Butters,Hah!
Stephen,Butters?
Butters,"Hwell. Oh, uh, hi Dad."
Stephen,"Butters, what is wrong with you??"
Butters,"Nothins' wrong, sir. Eh, nothin' at all."
Linda,"You've been shut up in your room for days, Butters. You need to go outside, go play."
Butters,Uh... outside? No way!
Linda,Why not?
Butters,N-no reason!
Stephen,"Butters, we have had it with your moping around! You're gonna go outside and you're gonna play, right now!"
Butters,"But Dad, I just wanna stay in my room-"
Stephen,"Butters, play!  Start playing right now, young man!"
Butters,"Tru... Tr-Trent Boyett! Haaaa!  Dad! Mom! I'm don- I'm done playin' now!  Aaaaah! Let me in, Dad!  Mom, Dad, you gotta open the door!"
Linda,What on earth is the matter with him?
Stephen,"Just keep the door locked, honey. Butters can't be a house hermit his whole life."
Butters,"Oh my God, he's coming! Oh hamburgers he's gonna kill me!"
Linda,I just can't stand to hear him scream like that. I'm gonna go upstairs.
Butters,"Mom, Dad, you gotta open the door right now! You've gotta open it-  Oh, hey! Trent Boyett Gosh I... haven't seen you in a while."
Trent,"Five years. It's been five long, miserable years."
Butters,"Look, Trent, I know- I know you're awful sore about... pre- muh- pr-preschool and all, but... well that was a long time ago. I mean, we were just kids.  Uhhh... p-lease don't hurt me, Trent. I-I'll give you anything you want. You name it!"
Trent,"Can you give me back my time?! Huh?! Can you do that?! Kindergarten, first grade, second?! Can you give me that?!"
Butters,"Well, no, Trent, I-I'm not like a time-traveler or nothin'."
Trent,I'm gonna give you something you didn't give me: a five-second head-start.
Butters,"No, Trent, I-I ain't gonna run. We can talk this through."
Trent,Four seconds!
Butters,"Uh, Trent, now, listen to me. I'm sorry for the color-"
Trent,Three seconds!
Butters,Ohhh hamburgers!
Linda,"Thanks so much for coming to visit Butters in the hospital, boys. It means a lot to him."
Stephen,"What happened to him, Doctor?"
Dr. Doctor,"From the test results, it would appear your child was tortured by a bully. He received a massive snuggie, his underwear pulled up so high it nearly killed him. He also received two Indian sunburns on his forearms, a charlie horse on the thigh, and a second-degree titty twister. And from the damage to his head area, it appears he was also given a swirly, a colossal one.  It also looks like he received a noogie, and, a Polish bike ride."
Linda,What's that?
Dr. Doctor,We aren't sure. We only know that... there is no cure.
Linda,If only we had let him in!  Why didn't we let him inside the house when he was screaming for help??
Stephen,"Now, honey, we were trying to read."
Cartman,"We've got to tell them who did this, you guys. We're gonna get it as bad as Butters!"
Kyle,That's nothing compared to what my mom will do to me if she finds out I've been lying for five years!
Cartman,"Maybe you didn't hear so good in there, Kyle! Second-degree titty-twister!"
Stan,"Calm down guys, we don't have to go tell our parents. We just need to go out and get some protection."
Cartman,"How the hell are condoms gonna help us?!  Sorry, heh. Never mind, hehe."
Stan,I'm talking about hiring somebody bigger than Trent to protect us from him. Come on!
Sixth Grader 1,"I'm gonna jump the wall of fire.  Yeah, that was sweet!"
Sixth Grade Leader,"Hey, look!"
Kyle,"Dude, we shouldn't be here!"
Stan,"Stay cool, guys. If anybody can protect us from Trent Boyett, it's the sixth graders."
Sixth Grade Leader,Stupid little Fourthies!  What are you little Fourthies doin' in our hangout?!
Stan,We've come to... ask you for help.
Sixth Grade Leader,Help?!
Kyle,We need you to protect us... from a bully.
Sixth Grade Leader,Yeah? And what do we get for it?
Cartman,"A twelve-pack of Dr. Pepper, A Shoots & Ladders game used only three times, DVD of Harry Potter 2, and a coupon for a free side of fries with a purchase of any deluxe hamburger at Red Robin.  All this can be yours."
Sixth Grade Leader,"You're gonna have to do better than that, Fourthies!"
Kyle,"Well...  Well, what do you want?"
Sixth Grade Leader,"You're Stan Marsh, right?"
Stan,Yeah.
Sixth Graders,OOOOOoooOoOooo!
Sixth Grade Leader,We want a picture of your mom's boobs!
Sixth Graders,Yeah. Awesome.
Stan,What?!
Sixth Grader 2,Your mom has the sweetest bewbs ever.
Sixth Grader 3,Yeah! I totally wanna suck your mom's tits.
Stan,"Dude, weak!"
Sixth Grade Leader,Come back with a naked picture of your mom!
Stan,No!
Sixth Grade Leader,Then we aren't helpin' you!
Kyle,Wait! We'll do it.
Sixth Grade Leader,"It'd have to be a good picture, too!  So long, Fourthies!"
Cartman,"Okay, so now we just need to get a picture of Stan's mom naked. Cool."
Woman 1,"That's the preschool teacher, Ms. Claridge. Poor woman suffered such horrible burns she can only communicate by... beeping once for yes and twice for no."
Woman 2,"Oh hello, Ms. Claridge. Nice day, isn't it?"
Man 2,"Need help across the street, Ms. Claridge?  Well all right then."
Man 3,"Ms. Claridge, you all right?  You can talk to me, Ms. Claridge. I understand: one beep for yes and two for no. Don't you think you should get out of the street?  Look you, you don't have to be so cold. I'm just trying to help.  Oooo, sorry!"
Trent,Can Kyle come out and play?
Sheila,"Oh, Kyle isn't home right now, hon."
Trent,"Thank you, ma'am."
Stan,"You see, Mom, all the kids at school were told to bring a picture of their moms' breasts for anatomy class."
Cartman,"I don't know, son. That sounds awfully strange.  You cannot have a picture of my hot breasts."
Stan,"But mom, my teacher will-"
Cartman,"Nononono, you gotta go  ""But Mo-o-o-om."""
Stan,But Mo-o-o-
Cartman,"""But Mo-o-o-om."""
Stan,This is hopeless!
Kyle,Why don't you just sneak in your mom's closet and get a picture when she's changing clothes?
Stan,"That's sick, dude! I'm not taking a picture of my mom's boobs!"
Kenny,(I'll do it.)
Stan,"No, you're not doing it either! We just need to find something that looks like boobs to take a picture of."
Kyle,What else has big round squishy globes?
Cartman,Draw the um- You guys draw the nipples like on the bottom of my asscheecks.
Kyle,"No, the nipples are more in the middle, see?"
Cartman,"Yeah, but Stan's mom is old; that means her nipples... sag more to the bottom now."
Stan,How do you know?!
Cartman,Will you guys trust me? I know this stuff!
Stan,"All right, fine."
Kyle,Oh wait! We forgot the necklace.
Kenny,(Oh yeah!)
Kyle,"God, I hope this works."
Stan,Excuse me!
Sixth Grade Leader,Whattdaya want now?!
Stan,"We, we got it."
Sixth Grader 4,You got a picture of your mom's bewbs?
Sixth Grader 5,No way!
Sixth Grader 2,"Hey, hold on a second!  These are like the hottest tits I've ever seen!"
Sixth Grader 8,Whoa!
Sixth Grader 4,Check them out!
Sixth Grader 2,Give me that!  Whoa! I knew she had a hot rack!
Sixth Graders,Yeah. Sure does. Uh-huh! Uh-huh!
Sixth Grader 3,"Oh yeah, those are so hot.  Oooohhh"
Kyle,"Okay, so now you'll help us take care of Trent Boyett?"
Sixth Grade Leader,"Oh all right, we'll let this Trent Boyett know that if he messes with you, he's messin' with us!"
Cartman,All right!
Kenny,(Woohoo!)
Cartman,"You guys, we're free! We haven't a care in the world!"
Kenny,(All right!)
Sixth Grader 9,I need three minutes alone with the picture behind the bushes.
Sixth Grader 2,I get to take the picture behind the bushes after you.
Sixth Grade Leader,I'm takin' it to the bushes first!
Stan,"Dude, are we gonna be like that someday?"
Kyle,Naw.
Kyle,"Man, I would have loved to seen to seen the look on Trent Boyett's face when all the sixth graders showed up!"
Cartman,Yeah. Trent's just lucky he didn't mess with us. I woulda kicked his ass.
Stan,"Hey, look. What is Ms. Claridge doing?  Ms. Claridge?"
Man 4,"She won't talk to anybody, boys. Some say... she's just given up hope."
Cartman,"Hey guys, you know what we should do? We should go get a-  Huh?!"
Dr. Doctor,"Jesus Christ, I've never seen so many Indian sunburns and titty twisters in my life!  Get a cold towel on that pink belly!"
Nurse 1,"Doctor, we have another snuggie here!"
Dr. Doctor,Over there!  Another wet willie?
Nurse 2,Worst one yet.
Sixth Grader,It's all slimy and spitty!
Dr. Doctor,Give the poor kid some morphine.
Stan,"Dude, what happened?"
Sixth Grade Leader,We... told him not to mess with you guys... We told him... you paid us.
Kyle,"Oh, Jesus. You told him that?!"
Dr. Doctor,"Boys, you have to let him rest. Some mean kid gave him a Texas Chili Bowl."
Stan,What's that?
Dr. Doctor,"It involves Tabasco sauce, a telephone, and the anus.  I don't know what kind of kid would do this to other people; I only know that I wouldn't ever want to be on that kid's bad side."
Stan,We're dead. Trent knows we sent the sixth-graders after him.
Cartman,He's gonna give us all Texas chili bowls.
Kyle,We've gotta move away. We've gotta get as far away from this town as possible!
Stan,"No, no, we've just gotta find better help."
Kyle,From who? We can't ask adults for help and there's nobody tougher than sixth graders.
Stan,There is... one person.
Stan,Shelly?
Shelly,"Shut up, turd! I'm watching television!"
Stan,"Shelly, you're my sister, right? And families... depend on each other."
Shelly,"I said shut up, or I will destroy you, tur-r-rd!"
Stan,"Shelly  Somebody is going to kill me, and I can't go to Mom or Dad for help, so, you're kind of the only person I have... left."
Shelly,"Stop crying, turd! Now, who's gonna kill you?"
Stan,"Trent Boyett. He just got released from Juvenile Hall. He was sent there for burning Ms. Claridge, but actually, it was our fault."
Shelly,"Oh, you are such stupid turds."
Stan,"We were only four years old at the time, uh. We du-we didn't think about the past coming back to haunt us then. We didn't think and now he's gonna kill us!"
Shelly,"Calm down, turd! No Juvenile Hall turd is going to kill you. That's my job."
Kyle,So you're gonna help us?
Shelly,"Yes, but I'm gonna want something in return."
Cartman,A picture of your mom's boobs?
Shelly,"Shut up, turd! You're going to admit to Ms. Claridge what you did!"
Stan,Admit it was our fault?
Shelly,"You can't run from your past, turds. Apologize and make amends. Then I'll protect you from this Trent turd."
Man 5,"Ms. Claridge, the people in town are really worried about you."
Woman 3,"Look, if you're having some kind of problem, you have to be able to talk to people."
Man 6,"Just tell us this: do you trust that we want what's best for you, yes or no?"
Man 5,"All right, fine! But someday you're gonna have to learn to let people in!  Bitch."
Stan,"Hi, Ms. Claridge. Uh, we have s-something to tell you."
Kyle,"The thing is, Ms. Claridge, we did a lot of stupid things when we were kids."
Cartman,A lot of stupid things that we regret.
Kenny,(And it's time for us to come clean.)
Stan,"See, Ms. Claridge, when we were little, we used to play with our wieners a lot, and one game we played was ""Fireman."""
Trent,I've been lookin' for you!  Five years I've been waitin' for this day.
Cartman,Aaaaaaaah!
Stan,"Trent, look: We've realized our mistake!"
Cartman,"Yes, our conscience got the best of us and, and we were just about to tell everyone the truth."
Trent,"You had five years to do that. And while I wasted away my time in prison you've been enjoying nice, normal lives!"
Kyle,"Our lives have not been enjoyable, Trent! I promise you!"
Trent,Don't tell me that! I heard about the things you've done! But there were no magical Christmas adventures or talking poo for me! I DIDN'T GET TO FIGHT A HUGE MECHANIC BARBERA STALKER!! NO ACCIDENTAL TRIPS TO AFGANASTAN FOR TRENT BOYETT!!
Cartman,"Stay away from us, Trent!"
Stan,What is that?
Cartman,"It's my mom's taser. I took it from her purse.  Just back off, man!"
Trent,"Look, just take your punishment! You deserve it! Let me have my retribution and it can be over with."
Cartman,I am not going to have a titty twister! I hate titty twisters!
Trent,You don't even know how to use that!  Wow!
Officer 2,"So, Trent, you just had to finish off your old preschool teacher, eh?"
Trent,No! They did it!
Cartman,"Trent Boyett is a liar, sir."
Officer 2,"Ms. Claridge, did Trent Boyett do this to you.  Yes, yes. Take him away!"
Trent,No! You've gotta listen to me!
Kyle,"Dude, when he gets out he's gonna be really mad!"
Cartman,"Whatever, that's like five years from now."
Stan,"Yeah, who cares?"
The Boys,"Yeah, woohoo!"
Cartman,"We did it!  So long, Trent! Have a nice time!  Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa!  Hahahahahaaahaaa!"
Sixth Grader 2,"Hey, hold on a second!"
Cartman,Uh oh.
Sixth Grader 2,Bewbs!
Sixth Grader 1,Omigod!
Sixth Graders,Boobs!
Sixth Grader 1,I'm taking them to the bushes!
Sixth Grader 2,I'm taking them to the bushes first!
Cartman,Hah! Hey!
Announcer,"This is closed-circuit television for South Park Elementary School. And now, Super School News. The news made for students, by students."
Jimmy,Welcome to S-super School News. I'm Jimmy Valmer.
Cartman,And I'm Rick Cartman.
Jimmy,The price of milk money will go up next Monday to 49 cents. The school claims the added money is due to the cow shortage in South Park County.
Cartman,"Parent-teacher conferences will be held this Wednesday night, from seven to nine. So kids, get a lot of playing in before you get grounded. And now, for a look at what's on the menu for school lunch today, here's Stan Marsh."
Stan,"Eric, it looks as though the school will be serving a chicken cutlet. Now, that's traditionally a uh-a white meat chicken... breast, if you will, that has been breaded, and then cooked. I've been told there will also be tater-tots and a vegetable dish. This is really shaping up to be a ah-ah one fantastic lunch. Eric?"
Cartman,"...Hard-hitting reporting, Stan. Thanks a lot. And now, here with the celebrity watch is Butters Stotch. Butters, seen any celebrities?"
Butters,"Nu-noo, not yet. I've been standin' out in front of the school for about ...two hours now and ah, and I haven't seen any celebrities. Uh, about thirty minutes ago I thought I saw Sigourney Weaver, but ih-ih-turn- it turns out it was a dead horse."
Cartman,"All right, Butters, keep your eyes open."
Butters,Will do.
Jimmy,More snow for South P... P-P-Park. Here's Token Black with the weather.
Token,"Jimmy and Eric, it looks like a massive snow storm is headed South Park's way. I asked my dad last night and he said that he heard the snow storm is expected on Tuesday. Guys?"
Cartman,"Kyle Broflovski now joins us for a look at sports. And Kyle, the girls' basketball team just can't get it right."
Kyle,"Another devastating loss for the Cows last night, Eric. They were ahead in the game until Kelly Anderson started crying because she missed her daddy, who's on a business trip in Thailand. Uh, Kelly was so upset she couldn't play, and the Cows had to forfeit."
Cartman,Cows are on a six and O slide since Kelly's father left for that business trip.
Jimmy,And that's all for Super School News. Enjoy your day at South Park Eh-Eh-Eh-Eh- &gt; Ehehehehe  Eh-Elementary. /&gt;
Stan,And we're... cut! &gt;&gt; /&gt;/&gt;
Cartman,"All right, nice reporting, guys. Nice."
Butters,"Boy, that was a great episode!"
Stan,"Yeah, I think that was one of our best shows yet."
Mr. Meryl,"Boys, I'm afraid I have some bad news. The school has to cancel your show."
Kyle,What?!
Jimmy,"For God's sake,why Mr. M-M-Meryl?!"
Mr. Meryl,"Well, the students just aren't watching ya. Your rating was only a four this whole week."
Cartman,How many students is that?
Mr. Meryl,"Four.  Four students watch your show. And meanwhile, Craig's show is getting a 57!"
Stan,...Craig's show??
Cartman,What is that butthole doing now?!
Mr. Meryl,"O-hoh, it's brilliant! It's all just video footage of animals close-up with a wide angle lens."
Craig,Animals Close-Up With A Wide Angle Lens.
Stan,But that's... that's crap! That's not even TV!
Mr. Meryl,"It's what the students want, and it's cheaper to make than your show. Just one person and a video camera. Craig is a genius. Uh-sorry, kids."
Jimmy,"But, Mr. Meryl, we're trying to bring the news to the students. They need to know the facts, and our news team delivers them, very much."
Mr. Meryl,"Kids don't care about the news, boys. It's boring. Kids wanna see animals, close-up, with a wide angle lens!"
Cartman,"Please, Mr. Meryl, but, the news is our life. Without it, we have nothing."
Mr. Meryl,"I'm sorry, kids. Y-y-you should be proud of what you've done. It's just that it's kind of gay."
Cartman,...You're gay!
Butters,Gee whiz. We sure worked hard on that new show.
Stan,Apparently it doesn't matter how hard you work.
Whistlin' Willy,"Hello boys, ready to do some whistlin'?"
Cartman,"Fuck off, Whistlin' Willy. We're not in the mood."
Whistlin' Willy,"If you want a pizza, you've gotta whistle.  Come on!  There you go!"
Cartman,"God, I wish we had a Pizza Hut in South Park."
Stan,"Hey, look, Craig just walked in."
Bradley,Yeah!
Kid 1,"Hey look, it's Craig!"
Kevin,"Hey, Craig, over here!"
Kyle,"Geez, all that from a stupid video show."
Craig,Oh hey guys. Heard about your news show being cancelled.
Cartman,"Go play with yourself, Craig."
Craig,"Yeah, well, I've got an overall deal with the school, heh. They're paying me six dollars a week to come up with new shows."
Stan,"Your idea took about this much thought, Craig!"
Craig,"This much more than you had!  Hey, a round of root beers for everyone! On me!"
Kenny,(Woohoo!)
Cartman,"Kenny, what the hell are you doing with this asshole?!"
Kenny,"(Craig just asked me to do his show, geez.)"
Cartman,"You're helping Craig make his show?! I can't believe you would betray us like that! We've always been supercool to you! ""Hahahahahaaahaaa! We're gonna do a news show, and you can't do it with us, because you are too poo-oor, and poor people don't watch the new-oos! Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa!""Ah whatever, Kenny!"
Craig,"Hey gang, I brought the new episode of wide angle, close-up animals."
Clyde,"Put it, put it up on the, monitors!"
Kids,Cuuute.  Super cuuute.
Kyle,"Gah, I just don't get it."
Token,"Wow, those animals are pretty cute."
Stan,"Token! Now, come on, guys! We worked too hard to just roll over for Craig and his stupid overall deal. Instead of sitting here feeling sorry for ourselves, we just need to figure out how to make our show better!"
Kyle,"Yeah. Maybe if we can get higher ratings by the end of the week, they'll let us stay on the air!"
Butters,"Well, what are we waitin' for?!"
Stan,"Come on, guys!"
Stan,"All right, we all need to come up with ideas for our show."
Kyle,How about we revamp the name? Super School News sounds dry.
Cartman,It should be Sexy News.
Token,Action News!
Stan,"Yeah, Sexy Action, that's good."
Kyle,Maybe the problem is we don't have very good stories to report on.
Cartman,"Right. We should make up stories, because they'll be far more interesting."
Butters,"Hey, yeah. Uh why I could say I saw celebrities even though I didn't, a-a-and then lie about what I saw them doing."
Cartman,"Nice, Butters, write that down!"
Butters,Lie about celebrities.
Stan,"We have to appeal to all the students, so we, we need hot girls for the sixth graders..."
Cartman,And panda bears for the preschoolers.
Stan,Good!
Kyle,Maybe we need to make students think they have to watch our news show or they'll die.
Token,Yeah! We should make up a bunch of reports about how dangerous it is to be alive.
Butters,"Oh, boy!"
Jimmy,"Fellas, are you sure all of this ie-eh-ethical?"
Cartman,"We're in fourth grade, Jimmy. We don't even know what ethical means."
Stan,"All right, Sexy Action School News Team, it's time to go to work. Get out there and get some stories!"
Butters,"Sexy Action School News Team, ho!"
Cartman,"Ah, Token, can I have a quick word with you?  Look, Token, I-I know the guys are having trouble bringing this up with you, but uh... Well the thing is, Token, we... we really need to revamp your whole TV persona."
Token,Huh?
Cartman,"You see Token, people really enjoy seeing African-Americans on the news... Seeing African-Americans on the news, not hearing them. That's why all African-Americans newspeople learn to talk more... wha, how should I say... white.  Token, all the great African-Americans newspeople have learned to hide their ebonic tribespeak with a more pure Caucasian dialect. There's no shame in it, and I think it'll really help our ratings."
Announcer,"This is South Park Elementary School closed-circuit television. And now,  Time with the Sexy Action School News!"
Cartman,"Is South Park about to explode from a methane gas leak? More on that later. But first, Stan Marsh has a look at some new outfits for the Raisins girls!"
Raisins Girls,Woohoo! Woohoo!
Stan,"Eric, the outfits are even skimpier than before, leaving very little to the imagination. No doubt that if I were a little older, I would be aroused."
Raisins Girls,Woowhoowoo!
Cartman,"And now, for a look at the weather, here is Token Black, and Token, I hope there's no tornadoes headed our way."
Token,"No tornadoes, Eric, but interestingly enough, there is a low-pressure storm moving in over the Park County Valley. Should bring us some chilly days ahead."
Jimmy,The Park County School Board has approved a bigger budget for the computer lab up-
Cartman,"Oooo, hang on, Jimmy, it looks like Kyle has the dish on some students' bathroom habits. Kyle?"
Kyle,"Eric, sources are speculating that third-grade student, Pete Thelman , pees sitting down like a girl. We've also got confirmation that Sally Turner  stuffs her bra. And Clyde Donovan has only one testicle."
Cartman,One testicle!  What an asshole!
Token,"Uh-oh, looks like it's Panda Bear Madness Minute!"
Cartman,"Oh yeah, Panda Bear Madness! And now, let's get a look at the celebrity watch, with Butters."
Jimmy,"This isn't the news, this is a tr-tr-tr-tr-travesty."
Cartman,"All right, so after my report on the unsanitary conditions of the school cafeteria, we're go to Kyle for the story on Brian Teeves trying to make out with Susan Farkle."
Stan,"Then, let's do Token's report on how global warming is going to kill everyone in the fifth grade."
Token,"That is a terrific idea, Stan, A-Okay."
Jimmy,"Fellas! Fellas, I got fant-tastic news! The vice-President, Dick Cheney, was in Denver yesterday, and I got an interview with him for our news show."
Cartman,"Oooo, interview with the vice-President, hmmm. Frankly, Jimmy, I don't know how we're gonna fit that in between cheerleader pie-eating and Who's got Skidmarks Monday."
Jimmy,But this is real news!
Cartman,"It's boring news, Jimmy."
Jimmy,How do you know?! You you haven't s-seen it yet!
Cartman,"All right, tell me about it."
Jimmy,"Well, in the interview, Mr. Cheney tells me all about how the-"
Cartman,"Aww! Ohh! God, I just got so sleepy. I'm sorry, what were we talking about?"
Jimmy,"Look, fellas, I've got a real problem with the direction our news show is going! We're dumbing down the school!"
Stan,"No, Jimmy, the school is already dumb. We're just giving them what they want."
Kyle,We're making the news more appealing to students.
Jimmy,"This isn't the news! This a b-b-bastardized quest for ratings! Damnit, we have a journalistic responsibility to bring students the fa... the facts!  Don't you see what we've done? In our efforts to compete with Craig's small-minded show, we've made a mockery of n-nununews reporting. I remember when we all made an oath to each other, way back when started playing news reporter, that we would never let anything jeopardize our integrity! Well our integrity is jeopardized! And if we can't report news the honest way, what good is n-news reporting?"
Mr. Meryl,"Boys, first of all, I want to tell you how impressed I am with your ability to get more ratings. Your show beat Close-up Animals with a Wide Angle Lens by three viewers!"
The Boys,All right! Woohoo! Awesome!
Stan,I knew we could do it!
Kyle,We beat Close-up Animals!
Cartman,"Oh man, this is so great! We, we worked so hard to be on top! Oh, oh come'ere you!"
Mr. Meryl,"Yes, but unfortunately, you got crushed in the ratings by Craig's new show."
Stan,Craig's new show?
Mr. Meryl,"All the students love it. It's an incredible idea called Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens... Wearing Hats. Take a look.  That Craig is a freakin' genius, I tell ya. He's like... an idea machine."
Butters,Does... Does this mean we're still gonna get cancelled?
Mr. Meryl,"I'm afraid it's worse than that, boys. I'm gonna have to give you all F's in Extracurricular AV Class. You have to learn now how important ratings are!"
Stan,Hey wha-b-but we gave it our best.
Mr. Meryl,Yes. And I guess your best wasn't good enough .
Stan,I don't believe it.
Cartman,I can't lose this extracurricular credit. I need it to pass fourth grade!
Butters,Stupid news hair!
Jimmy,"Fellas! Don't you see? This proves my point. We have to elevate our ideas up, not down."
Kyle,"Yeah, Jimmy's right. I know we can come up with way better ideas than Craig."
Stan,"Yeah. To save our show, all we need to do is come up with the best idea for an episode ever!"
Kyle,"What if we do a show where we-  Uh, no."
Cartman,"How about we have us, um... hmmm."
Stan,"Come on, doesn't anybody have any show ideas?"
Butters,"Well, how about we get panda bears and we have them dance around with us?"
Token,We did that!
Jimmy,"Wow, coming up with ideas is... hard."
Stan,"Look, you guys, if Craig can do it, we can do it! Come on!  How about we do... a show... with us... ughhh."
Kyle,Thee... uhhh. What if the-?
Cartman,"Wait, I've got it.  Crab people."
Stan,Crab people?
Cartman,"They're like half crab, half people, and they live below the ground."
Stan,"Dude, I think we can do a little better than crab people."
Butters,I know! We should read the funnies!  I always get good ideas from the funnies.
Cartman,"Butters, only gay little dweebs read the funnies!"
Butters,"Yeah! I read 'em all the time! Uh here's one: the uh, snail tripped over a hurdle, and the other snail says ""Well that's gonna add another hour to his time.""  Yeah! You guys!  Heh."
Cartman,How about we do a show where we kill Butters?
Butters,"So Dagwood says ""Good, guh-good thing we're playin' ...uh the back nine at your house."""
Stan,"We're hopelessly stuck, completely out of ideas."
Cartman,We have crab people. Just sayin'.
Kyle,Wait! You know what we should do? We should all take a bunch of cough medicine!
Token,Cough medicine?
Kyle,That's what the sixth graders do behind the school at recess. They take way too much cough medicine because they say it makes them see things in their heads.
Butters,"Gee whiz, there sure is a lot of 'em."
Kyle,How do we know which one to use?
Stab,"How about this one? Calminex?  ""Warning: Taking more than the recommended amount can cause severe side effects."""
Cartman,That sounds perfect.
Jimmy,B-b-bingo!
Pharmacist,Can I help you boys?
Stan,"Uh, yeah, we need to come up with some ideas and inspiration, so we're gonna drink a bunch of cough medicine."
Pharmacist,"Whoa, boys! That's not what you need to come up with ideas."
Kyle,It's not?
Pharmacist,No! What you want is Calminex PM.  It has the dexatrimfan in it that causes hallucinations in large doses.
Kyle,"Oh, okay."
Pharmacist,"Now, if it's more of a lucid, speedy kind of high you're looking for, I do also carry the Daytab Cold and Flu. Then there's the maximum-strength Cortitussin Cough and Cold, but of course, that's only if you really want to trip balls."
Jimmy,"Wha-what do you think, fellas?"
Stan,I guess we'll just take all of 'em.
Pharmacist,"That's the spirit! All right, boys, I'll just need your parents' permission.  Kidding! I'm just pulling your legs. Come on over to the register."
Herbert Garrison,"Oh, looks like somebody else is doin' a little partyin' tonight."
Mr. Slave,"Oh, Jesus Christ"
Butters,Woo. We aren't havin' a party.
Herbert Garrison,"Oh yeah, sure, you're just buyin' that for your bad coughs, right?  Us too."
Mr. Slave,Jesus.
Kyle,"All right, now everybody take a tablet and a pencil.  and when all the ideas start coming, just write 'em down. We might not remember everything otherwise."
Butters,"Oh boy, I can't wait to be creative and smart.  Hohhh, it's all thick and g-gooey."
Cartman,Huh. I don't have any ideas yet.
Kyle,"Stan?  Dude, Stan, you all right?"
Jimmy,I think maybe he's f-feeling it.
Cartman,"Stan, are you getting good ideas?"
Butters,"Whoa...  I'm feeling kind of bowling-ballish, fellas."
Cartman,"Stan? Stan, come on. We're gonna go find a frog."
Cartman,"Oh dude, I just got the best idea"
Kyle,Me too.
Butters,Hey! Let's run naked through the street!
Cartman,"Dude, this TV show is awesome."
Stan,It's... it's the greatest show of all time.
Kyle,I could watch this for days.
The Boys,Cuuute. Super cuuute.
Stan,"You guys. You guys, wake up!"
Kyle,Ah!
Butters,Huh?
Kyle,"Butters, get away from me!"
Butters,"Oh J-Jesus, where are my clothes?!"
Stan,We took a bunch of cough medicine to come up with ideas for our show. I didn't come up with anything.
Cartman,"I-I did. I wrote something down.  Here it is! Uh, squiggly line, circle."
Kyle,I wrote down... all the lyrics to the Happy Days theme song.
Stan,"You guys, we watched Craig's show all night long."
Token,Yeah. It was great.
Stan,"No, but don't you see? We didn't think it was great before. I think I understand now.  I think I know why Craig's show gets such great ratings! Half the school is high on cough medicine!"
Kyle,"Jesus, you may be right."
Jimmy,"Fellas, this is our chance! Everyone get your hair looking as fantastic as possible. It's time for us to do the most incredible investigative news report of our journalistic lives!"
Announcer,"This is closed-circuit television for South Park Elementary School. And now,  a Sexy Action News Team Special Report: Cough Medicine Abuse in School!  With the Sexy Action School News Team!  It's the report you can't afford to miss!  And now here is Rick Cartman!"
Cartman,"They call it cough syrup, cough medicine, cold and flu remedy. But behind closed doors at South Park Elementary it also has a street name. Coochie, wombat juice, tigger yum yum. Hello, I'm Rick Cartman. Today, the Sexy Action School News Team takes you inside the dark and lonely world... of cough medicine abuse."
Stan,They're doing it in the hallways!  Behind the school!
Red Goth,"Hey, get out of here, you fuckin' dork!"
Stan,Even in the girls' bathroom!
Bebe,Is somebody in there?! I'll tell on you!
Stan,We showed the shocking footage to the principal!
Principal Victoria,Oh my goodness!
Jimmy,"P- Principal Victoria, can you explain how your administration fuh-failed to see this p-p-pro-o-o... p-p-problem."
Principal Victoria,Well I... we...
Kyle,"So where are students getting all this cough medicine??  This surveillance footage shows a group of troubled kids getting all the smack they want from a pharmacist!  Sexy Action School News reported the pharmacist to the South Park police, and he was immediately arrested!"
Token,"The cough companies claim they don't intend for their product to be used by kids to get high! But one look at the packaging tells otherwise.  Theradryl DM. For kids.  Dexa Cough, children's formula."
Cartman,"And now, for a quick celebrity check, here's Butters Stotch."
Butters,"Still no celebrities, Eric. Uhn, I'll keep my eyes open."
Stan,"The cough medicine problem used to also run rampant in neighboring Middle Park Elementary. But they took action: ridded their entire town of cough medicine, and what we see now is a happier school, 100% cough medicine-free."
Mr. Meryl,"Boys, I want to congratulate you on what is perhaps the finest piece of student television I've ever seen. Not only did you get all the students and myself off of couch medicine, but you got a 22 in the ratings!"
Kyle,Twenty-two people?! All right!
Craig,"You wanted to see me, Mr. Meryl?"
Mr. Meryl,"Oh yes, Craig. It appears that the ratings for your show are down significantly."
Stan,"Gee, what a concidence."
Jimmy,I wonder... oo-oo.. w-why?
Mr. Meryl,"You need to know how important ratings are, Craig, so, I'm going to suspend you from school and request that you have your testicles removed surgically."
Cartman,"Haha! In your face, Craig!"
Mr. Meryl,You boys are approved for twenty-seven new shows. I want you to come up with an even better idea than the cough medicine story. Get to it!
Stan,Nobody has any ideas?
Cartman,This sucks. I don't wanna keep havin' to come up with ideas for shows all the time. It hurts my head.
Kyle,"Dude, bail?"
Cartman,...I think bail.
Stan,...Bail.
Jimmy,"Yep, b-b-b-bail."
Bebe,"Come on, Wendy, we're gonna miss it!"
Wendy,We're gonna miss what?
Bebe,Paris Hilton is making an appearance at the mall!
Wendy,Who's Paris Hilton?
Red,"""Who's Paris Hilton?"""
Annie,You don't know?
Announcer,"Hello, everyone! The Guess Clothing Company is pleased to have as its new spokesperson model, a woman all you young ones can look up to, Ms. Paris Hilton."
Bebe,"Wow, that's really her! Paris! Over here!"
Wendy,I don't get it. What's she do?
Annie,She's super-rich!
Wendy,...But what does she do?
Red,She's totally spoiled and snobby.
Wendy,What does she do?!
Man,She's a whore.
Paris,"Hey everyone. Sorry if I'm a little spent. I did a whole lot of partying last night with a LOT of different guys.  Anyway, I'm pleased to be here in Gouth Dark to announce the opening of my brand new store! A store where girls can buy everything they need to be just like me! Stupid Spoiled Whore!  Have fun, girls. And remember to party, and be super-lame to everybody. G'Bye!  Give me that! Fucking Christ I need a drink!  Where's my dog?!"
Bebe,"Wow, look at all this great stuff. Stupid Spoiled Whore clothes, Stupid Spoiled Whore dolls,"
Red,"Hey, check it out: the new Paris Hilton perfume, Skanque."
Announcer,Skanque.
Annie,"Oh yeah, let's get lots of that!"
Wendy,"You guys, don't buy this stuff! Why do you want to be like Paris Hilton?"
Red,"It's not just Paris: Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Tara Reid, they're all stupid spoiled whores!"
Wendy,But the idea that we'll be whorish for money is belittling to our gender!
Bebe,"Wendy, get a clue. The only thing more important than being rich is being famous!"
Annie,"Wow, you really sound like a dumb brat, Bebe."
Bebe,"Thanks, Annie!"
Paris,"God, get me out of this hick town! What a bunch of rednecks!  Everybody's so fucking lame. Except for you, my little Tinkerbell. You love my vewy much, don't you? How much you wuv me? I'm gonna dress you up like a bunny, and then I'm gonna dress you up like a little princess. You're mine forever!  Whatever! Oh, hey, Kasey. Oh, another stupid store opening at some lame cowboy town.  Oh, it's so fucking stupid, this whole town stinks like cows.  I can't wait to get out of here! Grody!  They have the lamest stores, too.  I'm gonna go to Rome for the weekend, I think. I dunno, Rome or Tokyo, either way it'll be totally boring.  Stupid.  Hagh.  I need to get wasted. I haven't had a drink in like fourteen minutes. Why is everybody so stupid anyway?  I flashed all these hicks with my boobs; you should've seen the look on their faces! Stupid redneck idiots!  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Chauffeur,Oh dear...
Paris,Another dog killed itself!
Wendy,"Hey Jessie , hey Kal. Do you guys mind if I hang out with you? The other girls are acting really strange."
Jessie,"Sure, Wendy. We were just trying to think of something to do."
Wendy,"Oh, well, you wanna maybe go to the art museum?"
Jessie,"Nah, that sounds really dull."
Kal,"Hey, I know! Let's make a videotape of us having sex with boys!"
Wendy,What?!
Kal,I just got  the Stupid Spoiled Whore video playset!
Singers,Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset!
Kal,You can make videos that get out on the Internet!
Jessie,Yeah!:
Singers,Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset! Show the whole world what a slut you are!
Announcer,"Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset comes with video camera, night-vision filter, play money, losable cellphone, and sixteen hits of ecstasy. :"
Singers,Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset! Let everyone see your coo-ooch!
Kal,I'm pretending to be calling my friends on the cellphone while my man waits for more sex!
Jessie,"You're a Stupid Spoiled Whore.  Where are you goin', Wendy?"
Paris,Bwaaaaaaa! Waaaaaaaaaaa!
Chauffeur,"All right, Ms. Hilton, we'll find you another dog."
Paris,Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Driver,"There there now, let's just get you back home, shall we?"
Paris,"Woooooooooohooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooo...  Wait! Wait, stop the car!  Stop the car, you fucking moron!  Look at how cuuute. I want that! I want that!"
Butters,"Loo loo loo, I've got some apples, Loo loo loo, you've got some too."
Paris,It's adorable!
Butters,"Loo loo loo, let's make some applesauce, take off our clothes and loo loo loo!"
Paris,"Look at his wittle puff ball!  I'm gonna feed you, and take care of you, and call you Mr. Biggles!"
Butters,My name's Butters.
Paris,"Driver, put Mr. Biggles in the car.  I want to find a bear costume for him. Won't he be soo cute dressed up as a bear?"
Chauffeur,"Paris, I believe this is somebody's child."
Paris,I want it!
Chauffeur,I don't think you can actually-
Paris,I want it! I want it!
Chauffeur,"All right, all right, come on- come on, young man"
Butters,"Wa-I'm, Wa-I'm sorry, ma'am. I'd like to be your boyfriend and all, uh even though you have kind of a big nose, but my parents told me, ""never get into a car with a stranger."""
Paris,Well did they say anything about limousines?
Stephen,"Butters, never get into a car with a stranger! Unless it's a limousine."
Butters,"Oh.Yeah, actually, they did say that'd be all right."
Paris,"Get in the limo, Mr. Biggles! We're gonna have a bear costume made for you!"
Announcer,"And now, back to The Price is Right!"
Dad,"Hi, sweetie. What's the matter?"
Wendy,"Mom, Dad, I'm growing concerned about the role models young women have in today's society."
Dad,Oh?
Wendy,"It seems that lewdness and shallowness are being exalted, while intellectualism is looked down upon."
Dad,...Gosh.
Wendy,"I think young women are being marketed to by corrupt, moral-less corporations."
Dad,"Well, we'll get right on fixing that, sweetie. Wanna watch The Price is Right?"
Wendy,"Dad, there's a new store at the mall called ""Stupid Spoiled Whore"" and I'm gonna go there and buy a thong!"
Dad,"What?! No daughter of mine is going to dress like a whore! We're marching down to that store right now, young lady!"
Mr. Testaburger,"Oh my God! Well this place is-! Oh my God!  Mrs. Polk, you're buying this stuff for your daughter?!"
Mrs. Polk,"It's what's in right now. I, I can't have my little girl be the only one not in a trend; she'll be unpopular."
Mr. Testaburger,Unpopular?! If she's not a whore?!  But these are our girls!
Mrs. Stevens,"I think it's empowering for them. I mean, sure, if a man wants to be a whore, it's normal, but if a woman wants to be one, it's ""wrong."""
Woman 1,"Yeah, when a man pees standing up, it's normal, but when a woman does it, it's ""weeeird."""
Females,Yeah! Right!
Woman 2,"Yeah, like, when men shave their balls it's fine, but when a woman does it she's ""straaange."""
Females,Yeah! Right! It isn't fair!
Teen Girl 1,"All the girls in South Park are gonna be total sluts from now on, so you can just get used to it."
Teen Girl 2,"Yeah. Will you buy me that purse I want over there? I'll do anything, 'cause I'm a whore."
Mr. Testaburger,"Oh, uh-uh sure I-I can buy a purse."
Wendy,Dad!
Mr. Testaburger,"Nope. Wendy, I think they're right. You see, you have to believe in the rights of women. For too long they've had to live a double standard.  Oh yeah.  I'm sorry I've been so chauvinistic, Wendy. From now on you can have whatever you want from this store, I'll help make you the stupidest, most spoiled whore of them all!"
Females,Hooray!
Stephen,"Butters, will you mind telling us why you're dressed up like a bear?!"
Butters,"Oh, well, uh, my sort-of-girlfriend dressed me up like this."
Stephen,Your girlfriend?
Paris,"There you are, Mr. Biggles!  Aw, I thought I'd lost you!  Promise you'll never leave me."
Linda,"Butters? You're dating Paris Hilton?  You are grounded, mister!"
Butters,I'm sorry.
Stephen,"Uh, sweetheart, isn't Paris Hilton worth a lot of money?"
Linda,"Chris, she's more than twice Butters' age!"
Stephen,"Yes, and more than three billion times his net worth. Everybody adores that girl, darling. We should be nice to her too, especially if she's in love with our son!"
Linda,"Uh, Paris, would you like to have some cocoa with us?"
Paris,With schnapps and Scotch.
Stephen,"So, Paris, I understand you're from the prestigious Hilton family. Very nice hotels."
Paris,"I've gotta get outta here. This place is stupid. Where am I? Oh, I wanna take Mr. Biggles with me."
Linda,With you where?
Paris,"To live with me forever and ever, you dumb broad. How much?"
Linda,How much? For Butters?
Stephen,Butters is our son. He's not for sale.
Paris,I'll give you two hundred million dollars for it.
Stephen,Excuse me?!
Paris,I said I'll give you two hundred million dollars for it!  I'll write you a check for Mr. Biggles right now.
Linda,"Chris, is she serious?"
Stephen,"Ah, Butters, why don't you take Paris up to your room for a little while, uh, Mommy and Daddy have to talk."
Butters,"Mom, Dad, I-I love you. Please don't sell me to Paris Hilton."
Stephen,"Butters, right now!"
Linda,We aren't honestly considering this?
Stephen,"Darling, Paris is a billionaire. She can give Butters everything he wants. We'd be terrible parents not to consider it."
Linda,But he's our son!
Stephen,"I know, darling, but look: we have to think about the rest of the family."
Linda,The rest of the f- you do mean us?
Stephen,"Yes, us, the rest of the family."
Paris,"What should we do, Mr. Biggles? I drank too much.  Oh my God, I'm so wasted!  The room's all spinny. I'm... totally passing out."
Wendy,"Hey, Bebe. I heard you were having a party tonight."
Bebe,"You wouldn't be interested, Wendy. My parents are out of town, so it's a Stupid Spoiled Whore party."
Wendy,I'm a stupid spoiled whore.
Annie,"Right. Please, Wendy, you're like Class President and stuff!"
Red,"Yeah, and you get straight A's in school!"
Bebe,"You're not even spoiled, because your parents give money to charity!"
Red,"You don't want to go to this party, Wendy! We're inviting all the boys, and we're gonna play Spin the Bottle, and Two Minutes In The Closet, and do ketamine."
Wendy,That's okay.
Annie,"Oh, please, do you even know what ketamine is?"
Wendy,Yes.
Annie,See? You are too smart.
Red,Yeah. We have no idea what ketamine is.
Bebe,Sorry Wendy. You're just not a whore. Get lost!
Girls,Yeah.
Red,"Hey, we'd better start inviting boys to the party."
Sally,"Oooo, look, here comes Clyde."
Bebe,"Party at my house tonight, Clyde. You're invited."
Milly,"Mmm, I'd like a piece of that!"
Red,I wanna do him.
Annie,"Oh, yeah. Here comes Kyle."
Sally,"Mmm, talk to me, kosher boy."
Milly,I'd like to twizel his pixie stick.
Bebe,"Party at my house tonight, Kyle."
Annie,Tweek and Jason - that'd be a great three-way.
Red,"Yeah, they're invited too."
Sally,"Jason has a huge bulge. You're gonna get it, boys."
Bebe,Now here's what I'm talking about.  A little midnight blue!
Milly,"Yeah, I'd like to wax his crankshaft!"
Annie,"Be at Bebe's house, tonight, at seven!"
Sally,"Look, here comes Kevin."
Bebe,"Hey Kevin, party at my house."
Milly,I'd like to gargle his marbles.
Red,"Yeah, you said it."
Sally,"See you there, Kev."
Cartman,"""Dude, there's Cartman. We should invite him to the party for sure.""  Fuck you Milly, fuck you Annie, fuck you Bebe, fuck you whatever your name is, and fuck you, bitch!"
Butters,"Huh. Didn't I... Whoa, that's the darnedest thing I ever saw."
Stephen,"Ms. Hilton? Uh, Ms. Hilton."
Paris,Eugh. Where am I? Ew! This room's all middle-class and small!
Stephen,"Ms. Hilton, we've talked it over all night and... while your offer is enticing, I'm afraid we just can't sell you our son for two hundred million dollars.  It'll have to be two hundred and fifty million, cash, up front."
Butters,Oh hamburgers!
Paris,"Yay! Mr. Biggles, you're mine forever!"
Butters,"Please! Ah I don't want to live with her! She snores real bad, and she has a huge nose, and a squishy thing that lives in her pants! Please! Please don't sell me to her!"
Stephen,"All right, Butters, tell you what: if you can raise the two hundred and fifty million dollars yourself, you can stay."
Butters,"Uh, well huh, how am I supposed to make that kind of money??"
Stephen,"It's called ""working"" young man! Your grandfather was a coal miner for fifty years; he never complained! Get out there and start digging!"
Butters,Y-yes sir!  I-I gotta... mine some coal... really fast!
Stephen,"That should keep him busy for a while while we get this transaction finished. Now, Ms. Hilton, how should we start?"
Milly,"Okay, that's two minutes. You can come out, Clyde, Bab.  How was he, Bab?"
Bab,"We had a great time, didn't we Clyde?"
Clyde,"Aaaaah, owieeee, owieeee."
Cartman,"Oh, hey, What's goin' on? I'm uh, here for the party."
Red,Yeah? Who invited you?
Cartman,"Oh, uh-uh Kelly. Kelly invited me."
Red,Kelly who?
Cartman,Kelly Rutherfordmenskin.
Red,Kelly Rutherfordmenskin?
Kelly Rutherfordmenskin,Yeah?
Red,Did you invite him?
Kelly Menskin,No!
Cartman,"Oh wait, wait, wait, aah it wasn't her. That's right, I forgot, it was uh... Kelly Pinkertonstinfurter"
Red,Kelly Pinkertonstinfurter?
Kelly Pinkertonstinfurter,What?
Cartman,"Oh, Goddammit!"
Herbert Garrison,"Oh, hello Wendy. Are you all right?"
Wendy,"No, I need help."
Herbert Garrison,F-from from me?
Wendy,"Actually, I was hoping to see your boyfriend."
Herbert Garrison,"Well sure, come on in. Mr. Slave is right over here."
Mr. Slave,"Oooooooooooh! Oh Jesus, Jesus Christ!"
Herbert Garrison,"Mr. Slave, little Wendy from class wants to see you."
Mr. Slave,"Oh, hi Wendy. You need a little help with your math homework?"
Wendy,"No, I need help becoming a dirty whore like you"
Herbert Garrison,"...Oh dear. Mr. Slave, I think you and Wendy better have a little talk. I'll make some cocoa."
Wendy,"Mr. Slave, you're the most perverted, lewd, depraved slut I know."
Mr. Slave,Thank you sweetie.
Wendy,Can you teach me your secret fast?
Mr. Slave,"Honey, I didn't work to become a whore, I was born a whore. I've been one... ever since I can remember.  Ever since I was a little boy I seemed to enjoy... different things."
Little Slave,"Mommy, I think I have a fever. Can you take my temperature?  Oooo, Jesus Christ."
Mr. Slave,"As I got older, I felt that one boy was never enough."
Boy Slave,"Hey, there's that queer kid. Let's tackle him!"
Kid,"Hey yeah, tackle the queer kid!  We'll show you, queer!"
Boy Slave,Oooooooooooh! Oooooooooooh! Jesus Christ!
Mr. Slave,"So you see, I can't make you into a whore, Wendy. But why would you want to be one anyway?"
Wendy,Because all the other girls are. They're having a huge sex party right now and I'm not invited.
Mr. Slave,"A what?! For God's sake, where?!"
Butters,You work eighteen hours and what do you get? Parents sell ya to Paris Hilton.
Man,"Look at that. A bear, mining for coal."
Woman,"Huh, I never."
Stephen,"Well, Butters, how'd it go? Did you dig up two hundred million dollars' worth of coal?"
Butters,"Well, no, not quite."
Stephen,"Oh, well, too bad.  Ms. Hilton did raise the money, so you'll be going off with her."
Butters,"Ah, shucks!"
Linda,"Bye, sweetie, we love you!"
Paris,Smile Mr. Biggles! This time I have to get a picture of my new pet before anything happens.
Butters,Before what happens?
Butters,Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Paris,"Mr. Biggles! Mr. Biggles, come back!  You'd better help me find him! No Mr. Biggles, no money!"
Chris,"Oh that troublemaking son of ours! Butters! Butters, you get back here or you are grounded, mister!"
Mr. Slave,"Oh Jesus!  Kids, kids!"
Annie,"Ew, party foul!"
Red,Shut off the light.
Stan,"Oh, thank God."
Mr. Slave,"Girls, what on earth are you doing?"
Bebe,We're being stupid spoiled whores.
Butters,H-help! You've gotta hide me!  Don't tell her I'm in here!
Bebe,"What did you do, Wendy?! Go rat on us because you're not invited to our Paris Hilton party?!"
Mr. Slave,"Okay, I think this has all gone far enough! Now look, the last person you want to be like is Paris Hilton!"
Paris,Mr. Biggles!
Mr. Slave,"Paris Hilton is a nobody! She may have money, but she's a thoughtless, talentless lowlife!"
Paris,Who the fuck are you calling a lowlife?!
Bebe,"Wow, Paris Hilton is at my party! I rule!"
Butters,HAAAAH!
Mr. Slave,"Hon, will you just tell these girls that being a whore isn't such a great thing."
Paris,What isn't great about it? What's more to life than partying?
Mr. Slave,"Look girls, I've partied a lot. Okay? And I'm telling you, there's more to life."
Paris,"You don't even know what partying is, loser."
Mr. Slave,"Sweetie, really, don't go there, okay?"
Paris,"Oh I went there. I went there, took some pictures, and flew back already."
Girls,Ooooo!
Annie,"Wow, what a bitch."
Mr. Slave,"Sweetie, listen, I know you've done some ""partying"" in your private little rich life, but you don't even wanna know the kind of stuff I've done. I'm the real whore, and I'm telling you, it isn't great."
Paris,Oh yeah?! I challenge you to a whore-off!
Girls,Ooooo!
Men,Whore-off! Whore-off!
Official,"Ah, testing? Hello?  Okay uh, welcome everyone. Uh, the South Park Chamber of Commerce is pleased to bring you the first annual ""Who Is The Biggest Whore"" showdown."
Bebe,Mr. Slave has no idea what he's in for.
Red,Paris is gonna rock his world.
Official,"Ah, I'm... not quite sure how we... start this competition off, but uh-"
Paris,I'll show ya how we start it off.
Crowd,Ohhh!
Wendy,What is Mr. Slave doing? He-he's just sitting there.
Herbert Garrison,"Give him time, Wendy. Give him time.  Come on, Mr. Slave."
Paris,Back off! None of you losers are enough for me!  Eeeaaagh. Oh yeah. Aaaargh.  Tada!
Randy,"Oh, no she di'int."
Mr. Slave,"Jesus.  Ohoho, Jesus."
Herbert Garrison,"Now, that's a whore!"
Bebe,"Wow, I guess Paris isn't such hot shit after all."
Mr. Slave,"People, don't applaud me. I'm a dirty whore.  Being spoiled and stupid and whorish is supposed to be a bad thing, remember? Parents, if you don't teach your children that people like Paris Hilton are supposed to be despised, where are they gonna learn it?! You have to be the-  ooohooho, Jesus Christ. You have to be the ones to make sure your daughters aren't looking up to the wrong people."
Mr. Stevens,"The homosexual is right. From now on, Bebe, you're going to dress like a little girl."
Bebe,"Wendy, we're sorry we called you names. Like not-stupid and not-spoiled."
Red,"Yeah, and I didn't mean to say you weren't a whore."
Wendy,"That's okay, you guys."
Stephen,"So-so that's it? No two hundred million dollars? Well, Butters, I hope you're happy!"
Butters,I'm a bad bear. I'm a very bad old bear.
Stephen,You're a grounded old bear.
Paris,"Oh my God, it's so gross! Let me out of here!  What the fuck is that?"
Frog King,"Paris, you must find the way out of this place or you'll surely die."
Paris,What?
Frog King,"Make your way to the small intestine. There you will meet the Sparrow Prince, who can guide you to Catatafish. Now go, Paris Hilton. Make haste!"
Clyde,"I don't know, that looks pretty high up."
Butters,Yeah. I think it'd be better to start lower.
Stan,"Dude, I really don't think it's smart, Cartman."
Cartman,"This is gonna be totally cool, you guys."
Stan,It's not gonna work; just come down from there.
Cartman,"...Jeez, this looks a lot higher from up here."
Kyle,What's going on?
Stan,Cartman thinks he can fly off of his roof.
Kyle,Do it! Do it!
Cartman,I'm gonna!
Craig,I wouldn't if I were you.
Token,Those wings don't look very strong.
Kyle,"Don't listen to 'em, Cartman! I'm sure it'll work. Go for it. Yaaay, Cartman! Fly, fly, fly!"
Cartman,"Okay, here we go.  Since the days of Copernicus, man has dreamed of flight. On this historic day, let us go on to-"
Kyle,"Awww, go on and do it already!"
Cartman,"Hold on, I'm givin' my speech! On this historic day, we remember the Wright Brothers: Orville and Redenbacher, whose dreams and visions inspired generations."
Stan,He's not gonna do it.
Cartman,"And now, again, one man's vision ushers in a new era of aerial travel, proving the power of imagination and intellect. The magic... of flight!"
Liane,"Oh my God! Eric! Eric,  Mommy's here. Sweetie?  Oh, what's wrong with him?"
Dr. Doctor,"I'm afraid that your son is... incredibly stupid. He thought he could fly with cardboard wings. The stupidity is so severe that it caused a fall, which has... put him into a deep coma."
Liane,"Coma... My God, fo- for how long?"
Dr. Doctor,There's no telling. He may never recover. We'll just have to wait. And see.
Singers,"Seasons change, time passes by.As the weeks become the months become the years."
Cartman,Eugh...
Liane,Oh my- Doctor!  He's awake!
Cartman,Wheh? Where am I?
Liane,"Oh, you've finally come back! It's a miracle!"
Dr. Doctor,"You're at the hospital, Eric. You've been in a coma for some time."
Cartman,Coma... How long?
Dr. Doctor,"It's been two... days. Nurse, you can remove his face-warmer now."
Nurse,"Yes, Doctor."
Dr. Doctor,"Now, Eric, you've suffered massive head trauma. Your road to recovery will be long and arduous. At least another two days."
Singers,"Seasons change, time passes by. As the weeks become the months become the years."
Liane,"You're doing so much better, muffin."
Cartman,Why the hell do I have to share my room with other patients?! This is bullcrap!
Liane,"Oh, you're sounding just like your old self again."
Dr. Doctor,"I'm sorry, detectives, there was nothing we could do."
Yates,Damnit! Another murder victim! For three years the Left-Hand killer has been at large and I've exhausted every lead! Maybe... I just don't have what it takes to be a cop anymore.
Murphy,"We'd better get back to the station, sir."
Cartman,"Good, because you assholes have kept me up for three hours!"
Yates,"All right, let's go, Murphy. Hang on a second, where are, where are my car keys?"
Cartman,"Probably in your front pocket, dumbass!"
Yates,"Doctor, didn't you say that kid suffered head trauma?"
Dr. Doctor,"Yes, it was pretty severe."
Murphy,"What is it, Lou?"
Yates,I've... heard cases where people suffering head trauma awaken to some psychic abilities.
Murphy,"Aw, come on, sir."
Yates,"I know it's ridiculous,  but I'm gonna explore every possibility I can!  Hello, young man, could we have a quick word with you?"
Cartman,Not now! The nurse is gonna walk in any minute with my lunch.
Nurse 2,"Twelve-thirty, Eric. Lunch time."
Yates,"Young man, how did you know the nurse was gonna walk in just now?"
Cartman,"I don't know, I just knew it.  Aww man, this smells like meatloaf. Again?!"
Nurse 2,"Yep, meatloaf again."
Murphy,"Jesus, how did he...?"
Yates,Little boy...  Well it's a snowball's chance in hell but...  we were wondering if you could come down and see if your... new powers could help us catch the killer.
Liane,His new... powers?
Female Detective,"All right, make sure you get pictures of everything in this crime scene."
Officer 1,Who's the kid?
Officer 2,He's supposed to be some kind of psychic.
Officer 1,"Aw, Christ!"
Yates,"This is... where the body was found.  Multiple stab wounds, just like all the others."
Cartman,How come the outline is missing its hand?
Murphy,"The killer always cuts off the left hand of his victim, and keeps it as a trophy."
Yates,"Stand back, give him room!  Come on, kid, concentrate! What do you see in your mind?"
Cartman,"Ice cream. Covered with... chocolate sprinkles...  Double-Stuff Oreos...  He ... He's taking the top of one and...  ...and he puts it together to make Quadruple-Stuffs!  I see...ice cream, and sprinkles, and Quadruple-Stuffs!"
Yates,Jesus Christ!
Murphy,Sir?
Yates,"Tom Johansen, the owner of the ice cream shop!"
Tom Johansen,"Yes? Oh, hello, detectives."
Yates,"Mr. Johansen, could we have a quick word with you?"
Tom Johansen,"Sure, come on in!  I'm afraid the house is a little bit of a disaster area since I have-"
Yates,Get him!  Code 6! Code 6!
Officer 3,Use the taser! Use the taser!
Officer 4,Do it again!
Officer 3,"He put up a hell of a fight, but we got him!"
Tom Johansen,Why?! Why?!
Yates,"Congratulations, Eric. You just stopped the biggest killer in South Park history."
Murphy,"We would give you a reward, but I guess that knowing the people of South Park are safe again is reward enough."
Cartman,Guess again.
Murphy,"All right, here's a hundred dollars."
Cartman,Wow!
Yates,"His powers are uncanny. Take good care of him, Ms. Cartman. Make sure he uses his powers... for good."
Liane,"Oh, he will. My little poopsiekins is a very good little boy."
Cartman,I'm a psychic and you are worse. I have super-awesome powers and you don't.
Kyle,"Cartman, what did you do?!"
Cartman,"Oh, didn't you hear, Kyle? I used my new psychic abilities to catch the serial killer. And I made a hundred bucks!"
Kyle,Nice old Mr. Johansen runs a candy shop! He wasn't a killer and you know it!
Cartman,Then why did I see ice cream and cookies when I closed my eyes?
Kyle,"Because you're a fucking fatass, that's why!"
Cartman,"Do not doubt my powers, Kyle!"
Kyle,You don't have any powers!
Cartman,"Don't make me do it, Kyle! I can make your head explode with a single thought!"
Butters,"Wuh be careful, Kyle."
Kyle,He can't do crap!
Cartman,"Fine, Kyle! You asked for it! Hee-at!"
Yates,"There he is! Hey, Eric! Eric!  We've got a little problem."
Cartman,What?
Yates,"While the ice-cream store owner was in jail, another murder was committed."
Murphy,This body also had a missing hand and a bowl of corn flakes next to it!
Yates,Which can only mean one thing!
Kyle,Ha! You see?!
Yates,That a copycat killer is on the loose! We need your psychic abilities to catch this new guy right away!
Kyle,What?!
Murphy,We'll pay you up front this time! We've gotta catch this new guy before he kills again.
Cartman,I'm afraid that my powers... are not for sale. ...And by that I mean they absolutely are for sale. Let's go!
Chris Swollenballs,"Tom, I'm standing in a meadow just outside of town, where police have discovered the first victim of the serial copycat killer. Child wunderkind Eric Cartman is now arriving on the scene."
Kyle,This is fuckin' ridiculous!
Lou,"Whattaya got, wunderkind? Are ya seeing anything?"
Cartman,No. Nothing.
Officer 5,Maybe his powers have left him.
Officer 6,Yeah.
Cartman,Wait a minute.  Fried chicken! It's tender and it's fresh!  There's maple syrup... Maple syrup's being put on the chicken!
Kyle,What the hell is wrong with these people?!
Michael Deets,They're never gonna catch the serial killer. He's too smart. Do you want to see my cotton panties?
Kyle,Hey! What about this guy?!
Murphy,Quiet! He's havin' a vision!
Cartman,It is fried chicken!  Oh my God. It's a fried chicken sundae.
Weird Man,"""Junior, what are you doing out?"" I'm sorry, Mother. ""You come home right now and have sex with me!"" No, Mommy!"
Kyle,"Hey, uh, does anyone know who that guy is?!"
Lou,"I said quiet, you little brat, or I'll have you arrested for interfering with the law!"
Announcer,"This is Park County News 4, with your host, Jim Brown-ish"
Jim Brown-ish,"The copycat killer of the cut-off-the-left-hand killer has been arrested. Police used the help of Eric Cartman, a wunderkind psychic detective. At the crime scene, the young psychic had visions flash before his mind, and the police immediately arrested the owner of Kentucky Fried Chicken. The young man's visions were so astounding that other police departments have sought out his help."
Cartman,"If I'm happy and I know it, clap my hands.*clap* *clap*If I'm happy and I know it, clap my hands.*clap* *clap*"
Liane,"Eric, sweetie, there's um, some people here to see you."
Cartman,"More people need to make use of my phenomenal gifts, huh? Ahhh, it's so very tiring."
Liane,"Ah, no, these people claim that they are the ""real"" psychic detectives."
Female Psychic,"So, you are the little boy who's been taking all our work?!"
Liane,"Oooh, I'll go make some tea."
Male Psychic 1,"Kid, we have a problem. You didn't go through the proper channels to become a psychic detective like we all did."
Other psychics,Yeah!
Cartman,Proper channels?
Male Psychic 2,You were supposed to fill out the form on the back of the comic book and pay the twenty five dollar fee for the degree from the Psychic Detective School.
Cartman,I was given my gift from a tragic accident. I didn't need to go to Psychic Detective School.
Male Psychic 1,"Well you just can't say you're a psychic detective, you have to use the ad in the comic book!"
Female Psychic,You must pay the twenty five dollar fee and give us ten percent of your earnings!
Cartman,"Ten percent, my balls, get lost!"
Female Psychic,"Very well, then you give us no choice. Roger?"
Female Psychic,"All right, everyone!"
Liane,"Oh, goodness! What's going on?"
Cartman,"Stand back, mother! We're having a telekinetic battle of minds!"
Liane,O-o-o-o-oh!
Female Psychic,Enough!  We are ...obviously quite evenly matched. I guess this will have to be settled in court.
Cartman,In court?
Female Psychic,We brought a class-action lawsuit against you! We'll see you before the judge tomorrow!
Liane,Is it over?
Murphy,"Her name is... Veronica Crabtree, bus driver for the elementary school. She was considered an ancillary character, one the fans wouldn't miss much."
Yates,Jesus Christ! Cause of death?
Murphy,"Same M.O., sir. Multiple stab wounds, left hand cut off and missing."
Yates,"So you're telling me somebody new is now copying the crimes of the copycat killer?! Jesus! Where will it end?!  Every time I put a killer behind bars, another guy just steps in and takes his place! What am I doing wrong?!"
Kyle,"Excuse me, sir? I think I know who did this. We saw this guy at the last crime scene, and, and you know how serial killers sometimes return to the scene of the crime? Well, I followed this guy to his house, and when he left again, I collected some fingerprints and did a blood-sample analysis.  I'm pretty sure he's your man."
Lou,How do you know?! Are you psychic?!
Kyle,No.
Lou,"Look, kid, don't waste my time with your blood-sampling fingerprinty hocus-pocus! I have to find this new killer now! I owe it to that victim over there! I know she hadn't been in any recent episodes, but dammit she deserved better than this! Come on, Murph, we've gotta talk to Eric Cartman again!"
Kyle,Why won't anybody listen to me?!
Kenny,"(Don't take it personally, Kyle.)"
Kyle,"I am taking it personally because Cartman is a retard! Just because he hit his head and went into a coma doesn't mean he's a- Wait, that's it. If I want people to listen to me, I just have to be as stupid as Cartman."
Stan,"Dude, I really don't think that's a good idea!"
Token,There has to be another way!
Kyle,Be sure to take me to the same hospital!
Butters,"Now Kyle, don't fly too close to the sun, or it'll burn your wings, an- and you'll crash into the ocean."
Stan,"Butters, Goddammit."
Kyle,"All right, here we go.  Since the days of Copernicus, man has dreamed of flight. On this historic day we remem- aw, screw it!"
Stan,Call an ambulance.
Jim Brown-ish,"Multiple arrests were made today for the murder of Hillary Neals. Police raided the South Park Motel 6 at 4 a.m., where seven psychic detectives were staying.  The psychic detectives' horrible crime was found out by psychic detective Eric Cartman,  who is now the only psychic not behind bars. What an amazing coincidence."
Cartman,"Cool.  Ah, Kyle is at the door. Come in, Kyle!  Who are you?"
Michael Deets,"You. You give everyone else credit for my work, because you fail to see my greatness."
Cartman,... 'Kay. Sweet.
Michael Deets,"Because of you, nobody knows the extent of my deeds."
Cartman,"Oh yeah. Awesome. Hold on, just a second.  Mom, there's some homeless guy here. Make him go away."
Cartman,"Hey. Hey, what's goin' on?!"
Michael Deets,You are obviously a big fan of my work.
Cartman,I don't even know you dude!
Michael Deets,But I am the serial killer! The one whose rightful place in history you have smirched!
Cartman,"Oh, Jesus."
Michael Deets,"And now you will have a place of honor, as my nineteenth victim."
Cartman,"No! No, you don't wanna kill me. Please, I'll give you anything you want!"
Michael Deets,"Before you die, let me show you the things that I've done, so you will understand the breadth of my transformation!  This... is me at the grand canyon.  Do you see? This is me at Mount Rushmore  Do you see?"
Cartman,Heheh.
Michael Deets,Do you see?!
Cartman,"Yes yes, I see!"
Michael Deets,Here I am at the Alamo in San Antonio.  This was just outside of the gift shop. Do you see?!
Cartman,AAAAAAAH!
Yates,Dammit! Dammit all to hell! They just found another body! That means a fifth copycat killer is on the loose! Where's my psychic?!
Female Detective,"Sorry, Sarge, the psychic's mom says her son hasn't been home for a couple of hours."
Officer 7,"Sir! Dr. Kels just called from the hospital! He says another little boy just awoke from a coma, and is having psychic visions!"
Yates,Let's go!
Dr. Doctor,This is the young man here. He was in a coma for over sixteen hours.
Yates,"Doctor, could you remove his face warmer? We'd like to speak with him."
Dr. Doctor,Of course. Nurse?
Yates,"Young man, the doctor said you've had some... visions about our newest murder?"
Kyle,"I see... a man... with a baseball cap.  He's killing now... Oh! I'm seeing it all flash before my eyes! The guy's name is Michael Deets, and he lives at 621 Castillo Street. He's usually there between seven and eleven p.m."
Yates,"What do you think, Mitch?"
Murphy,"I don't know. How do we know this kid is really psychic? I mean, this boy is certainly no Eric Cartman."
Yates,"All right, we'll check this Deets guy out. But let's use that one thing that we never use."
Murphy,...Sir?
Yates,"You know, what's that one thing that starts with an R that we never use?"
Murphy,...Restraint?
Yates,"Yeah, yeah, restraint. We'll check this guy out, but let's use some restraint."
Michael Deets,Look! Look at the things I've done! Here I am at Yellowstone National Park!  Do you see?! Here are pictures of my trip to Cheyenne for Frontier Days. Do you see?!
Cartman,"Oh, God! I'm so bored! Somebody help me!"
Yates,"Good evening, sir. We're Park County detectives. We were just wondering if we could take a quick look around your house, Misterrr..."
Michael Deets,God.
Yates,"Well, Mr. God, it won't take but a second; it might help us with an investigation."
Cartman,(Hey! Come over here!)
Yates,"I see you like cutting the eyes out of photos of women. My son is a big fan of that, too."
Murphy,Sarge! In here!
Yates,"Jesus H.... That boy was right! Arrest that guy!  Whoa-whoa-wait-wait-hey-wait-wait-yo! Oh, wait a minute, no ah, I'm wrong."
Murphy,Sir?
Yates,This isn't the guy. The serial killer always cuts off the victims' left hands.
Murphy,Right.
Yates,"Well those aren't left hands.  See, on your left hand, the thumb faces to the left. Those are all right hands."
Murphy,Ohhh.
Yates,"Nope, this isn't our man.  We're sorry, Mr. God. It appears we've wasted your time."
Cartman,(Hey! Help!)
Murphy,"Heh, pretty amazing coincidence that guy had a bunch of hands on his wall. Heh, no wonder that boy thought he was a killer."
Yates,Yeah... Amazing coincidence...
Murphy,Heh- sir?
Yates,"Call it police intuition, but somethin' in there just didn't feel right.  Wait a minute."
Murphy,Sarge...  What is it?
Yates,I'm not sure. I'm gonna have to run some tests.
Yates,"Murphy, do you remember what I was supposed to be doing?"
Murphy,"Oh. Uhhh... Oh. Something about hands, sir? Uh, for the serial killer?"
Yates,Oh right! The hands! Right!
Yates,Oh my God. Murphy!  You're not gonna believe this.
Michael Deets,"That's it, no more pictures.  Time to die."
Cartman,"No, please! I'm sorry I gave other people credit for your killings. Ahah, it was, it was very wrong for me to lie about the other psychics and get them arrested."
Michael Deets,Your hand will be one with the others.
Cartman,"Please just let me go! Ah, I'm gonna tell everyone I'm not really psychic! I've learned my lesson! Please, I don't wanna-  I don't wanna have to use my psychic mind missile on you!"
Yates,"Hold it right there, killer!"
Cartman,You got here just in time. He was gonna kill me because he was insanely jealous of my incredible psychic ability.
Yates,"Well young man, you did an amazing thing. Not only did your psychic visions help us catch the killer, but a lot of innocent people are out of jail."
Tom Johansen,"Yes, thank you very much, Kyle."
Female Psychic,"Yes, thanks."
Murphy,You're certainly a better psychic then Eric.
Kyle,"No, don't you see? Cartman never had psychic visions. And neither do these people. The plain simple truth is that nobody is psychic. There's a logical explanation for every psychic story you've ever heard."
Murphy,Do you think that's true?
Yates,"It must be true. The kid is psychic.  But I don't suppose it really matters much. Because in the end, the way I caught the killer was with... good old-fashioned police work. Come on, Murphy."
Female Psychic,"Well young man, I guess that just leaves one score to settle."
Cartman,You can't hurt me.
Male Psychic 1,Then let this be our final battle!
Kyle,Just stop it!  Stoop iiit!!  There's a logical explanation for that.
Narrator,"Way up in the mountains in a small little town,The Main Street was being decorated all up and down.People stood in long lines, sometimes waiting hours or more,Because Christmas needs to be bought in a store.But out in the forest, not too far away..."
Narrator,...The little woodland critters were also preparing for their Christmas Day.
Woodland Critters,"It's almost time when the time is here,The time that's only once a year.We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near.A Woodland Critter Christmas!"
Narrator,"The little critters worked hard as they happily sang,And each one of them had a quite interesting name.There was Squirrely the squirrel, Rabbity the rabbit,Beavery the beaver, and Beary the bear.Porcupiney the porcupine, Skunky the skunk,Foxy the fox, and Deery the deer.Woodpeckery the woodpecker, Mousey the mouse,and Chickadee-y the chickadee, all made the forest their house.And on that magical day, stumbling upon all of that,was a surprised little boy, in a red poofball hat."
Stan,What the hell?
Singer,Christmastime is once a yearEvery critter holds it dearEvery animal big or smallChristmas means so much to us all
Rabbity,"Well, hello there. Welcome to our forest."
Skunky,How do you like our Christmas tree?
Stan,It's... nice.
Beavery,"Why, it's the most perfect tree in the forest!"
Mousey,"Oh no, I see a problem."
Deery,"What is it, Mousey?"
Mousey,Our Christmas tree doesn't have a star.
Critters,Awww.
Beary,We can't have a tree with no star on it.
Rabbity,What are we gonna do?
Squirrely,"Now don't be down, y'all. Maybe our new friend can help us find a star."
Critters,Can you really? Oh would you please? Could you help us?
Stan,"Okay, okay."
Critters,Yay!
Narrator,"And so, using some paper and working with glee,the boy in the red poofball hat made a star for the tree."
Critters,Ohhhh!
Beary,It's the nicest star I ever saw.
Narrator,The little critters cheered and Beavery said with a smile...
Beavery,How would you like to sing and dance with us for a while?
Narrator,The boy in the red poofball hat smiled and said...
Stan,"Uh, no thanks, I'm gonna go home."
Beavery,Goo- goodbye Stanny!
Critters,"Goodbye, Stanny! Bye! Cya! I'll buy your hat!"
Stan,Woof.
Critters,"Hi, Stanny!"
Stan,"Oh, whatta?"
Narrator,His friends were all there! What a wonderful surprise!The little boy smiled with joy in his eyes!
Stan,What time is it?!
Squirrely,"You aren't gonna believe what happened, Stanny. It's the most magical Christmas gift ever!"
Skunky,Porcupiney is pregnant!
Stan,"You guys, I have to go to school tomorrow."
Mousey,I deduce the man-boy doesn't understand the seriousness of the fertilization.
Deery,"Porcupiney is a virgin, Stanny. Her conception was immaculate."
Foxy,She's gonna give birth to our Lord and Savior.
Stan,...What?
Porcupiney,It has been foretold unto me that I would give birth on Christmas Day.
Mousey,So soon!
Skunky,How delightful!
Woodpeckery,Our souls are saved!
Chickadee-y,"Finally the critters are gonna have a Savior of their very own, of their very own!"
Squirrely,There's just one problem: We don't have a manger for our Savior to be born in.
Critters,Awwww.
Beary,But we got to have a manger.
Rabbity,"Can you do it, Stan. Can you build us a manger? Huh?"
Critters,(Cheers)
Narrator,"""Of course I'll build you a little manger!"" the little boy cried,and he winked at his critter friends and leapt to their side!"
Narrator,"And out in the woods the boy steamed right ahead,making a place for the critter babe to lay its sweet head,"
Rabbity,"Gee whiz, if it isn't the nicest manger I ever saw."
Mousey,"I deduce it shall serve as a perfectly suitable resting place, for the Son of our Lord."
Raccoony,Does this mean we can go to sleep now?
Porcupiney,My son will have the nicest bed in all the forest.
Woodpeckery,Fit for a king!
Squirrely,This is going to be the best critter Christmas ever!
Woodland Critters,"It's almost time when the time is here,The time that's only once a year.We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near --"
Stan,"All right, I'm going now."
Critters,The mountain lion! Hide!
Stan,Go away! Shoo!
Squirrely,Is it gone?
Mousey,I deduce it is.
Skunky,I'm not c-c-comin' out.
Foxy,"Well, this is the end. The mountain lion obviously knows Porcupiney is pregnant, and he's gonna kill it again."
Stan,Again?
Squirrely,Every Christmas the mountain lion comes down and eats the virgin critter impregnated with the Son of our Lord.
Porcupiney,"Oh dear, I'm so very afraid."
Beavery,Let's face it. The mountain lion will never let our Savior be born.
Critters,Awwww!
Squirrely,"Hey, we shouldn't be upset this Christmas. We've got Stanny!"
Raccoony,"Of course! Stanny can do anything! If he can build a manger, he can stop that mean ol' mountain lion!"
Porcupiney,Christmas is saved!
Narrator,"High up in the forest on a dark, craggy peak,the horrid mountain lion and preyed on the weak.For the critters to be saved, someone had to stop that nasty old cat..."
Stan,"Goddammit, this is fucking ridiculous!"
Narrator,Said the little boy in the red poofball hat.
Narrator,"Killing a mountain lion was no easy task,But he thought of a plan, and he thought of it fast."
Stan,"Grrr! Grrr! Come on out!  Come on, critter killer! Your days of slaughtering innocent little animals are over! Rawrrrrr!  Rawrrrrr!"
Narrator,"In a flash, it was over! A victorious blow!The mountain lion lay slain on the cold ground below."
Stan,"Okay, there."
Lion Cub 1,"Mommy? Mommy!  W... wake up, Mommy, wake up!"
Lion Cub 2,"Don't leave us, Mommy.  Man-boy, why? Why did you kill our mommy? Why?"
Stan,I... the... critters. Their... bir-birth of a Savior?
Narrator,"The tiny cubs all gathered together and cried,All alone in the world because their mother had died."
Stan,Aw- awww!
Porcupiney,Oooo.
Beary,"You all right, Lady Porcupiney?"
Porcupiney,"Oh yes, just felt a little kick is all."
Beavery,"Well, it's been much too long now. Uh I'm afraid our helpful friend Stanny must be very dead."
Foxy,"Yep, the mountain lion probably swallowed him whole."
Rabbity,I guess that means our Savior is gonna be made into Savior stew.
Critters,Awwww.
Chickadee-y,"Wait a minute, look!"
Critters,Stanny!
Mousey,"Stanny, you're alive."
Beary,"But, does that mean you killed the mountain lion?"
Stan,It's dead.
Deery,For real and for true?
Beavery,Are you sure?
Stan,I'm sure. It won't be hurting you anymore.
Squirrely,He did it! Now our Critter Christmas can finally happen! Hail Satan!
Critters,Hail Satan!
Stan,"Wait, wha-what?"
Beavery,"You've done us a huge favor, Stanny! Without the mountain lion around, the Lady Porcupiney can give birth to the Antichrist!"
Critters,Yaaay!
Stan,"Wai-wait, the Antichrist?? You said she was giving birth to your savior!"
Squirrely,"Yeah, to the Son of our Lord, Satan, Prince of Darkness."
Stan,But I thought you meant the Son of God!
Deery,"Well, think about it: You really think God would have sex with a porcupine?"
Chickadee-y,"No way! Only Satan, Prince of Darkness and King of all Evil would do that! Yay!"
Foxy,This just calls for a celebration! Let's sacrifice Rabbity and eat his flesh!
Rabbity,Yay! Sacrifice me to the Devil!
Chickadee-y,Drink his blood! Drink his blood!
Squirrely,Blood orgy!
Critters,"Yay, blood orgy! Blood orgy, yay!"
Critters,"What special time and special day,It's Woodland Critter Christmas."
Squirrely,Hail Satan.
Narrator,"In the gentle forest clearing on Christmas Eve morn,The little forest critters prepared for the Antichrist to be born.The noble mountain lion had stopped evil in all the years past,But now the good protector lay dead as the good owls amassed.And meanwhile, three lion cubs were crying away.For them, there would certainly be no Christmas Day.And soon the forest would suffer from the offspring Satan begat.All of this because of the little boy in the red poofball hat."
Stan,Ugh.
Narrator,"Now that he'd killed the noble lion queen,there was nobody to stop the Apocalypse, it seemed."
Stan,Uuugh!
Narrator,"""I know!"" he said with a new happy grin,""I'll go back to the forest and speak with those critters again!"""
Stan,"No, no-no-no."
Narrator,"He ran out the living room, turned out the light,and went back to the forest to set everything right!But his conscience caught up with him and to the forest he did flee... He thought he could hide from his problems - not true!He knew in his heart the thing he had to do!"
Stan,Leave me alone!!
Narrator,He knew that only by going to the forest could he --
Stan,"All right, all right, all right! God!"
Beavery,"Hey, look everyone! It's our old pal, Stanny."
Woodpeckery,"Oh boy, Stanny. You came just in time!"
Deery,Yeah. We've got a big problem.
Squirrely,"The Great Satan has commanded that when the Antichrist is born, we must find a human host body to transfer it into."
Chickadee-y,That way he could take over the whole world! The whole world!
Mousey,The human must be non-baptized and heathenistic against Christ.
Beavery,We figured you'd be perfect!
Critters,Yay!
Stan,I'm not a heathen! I was baptized and my family's Christian!
Critters,Awwwww.
Beary,But we got to have a human host body for the Antichrist.
Deery,"Oh dear, maybe we won't have a critter C-Christmas after all."
Squirrely,"Now don't be down, y'all. Stanny can help us find non-baptized heathen human."
Chickadee-y,"Will you really, Stanny?"
Stan,No! I'm not doing you anymore favors and I'm not letting you give birth to the Antichrist!  I came here to put a stop to all this!
Beavery,To stop us?
Beary,"But gee whiz, Stan, if you try to stop us, we'd have to use our evil Satanic powers on ya."
Stan,"Right, whatever.  I'm taking down the manger I built.  Ah!  Aaaah!  Aagh! Aaaahh!  AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH!"
Beary,Oh boy! Our Satanic powers sure did the trick!
Chickadee-y,Our powers get stronger every day! Get stronger every day!
Squirrely,"Sorry Stanny, but you see, nothing can stop the birth of the Antichrist, except for a mountain lion."
Skunky,And you got rid o'her.
Critters,Yay!
Narrator,The boy shook with anger! He broke a sweat and fell ill.Then he remembered there were three mountain cubs still alive on the hill!
Stan,Oh yeah.
Stan,Hello? Anybody in there?
Lion Cub 3,"Oh no, it's the man-boy who killed Mommy!"
Lion Cub 1,He's come to kill us now!
Lion Cub 2,It's okay. I died inside when Mommy was killed anyways.
Lion Cub 3,"Yeah, better this than the slow death we'd face without a mother around."
Stan,"Look, I'm sorry I killed your mom. The, the squirrel told me she was evil."
Lion Cub 1,"You got tricked by a squirrel? Gee, you're not too smart, are you, mister?"
Stan,"I'm trying to make this all right again, but the only thing that can stop devil-worshiping critters is a mountain lion!"
Lion Cub 3,"Yeah, and you killed her."
Stan,"Well, you're mountain lions."
Lion Cub 2,"Us? No, we're just kids. We still have our baby teeth."
Lion Cub 1,And our baby claws.
Lion Cub 3,And a dead mom.
Stan,There still has to be a way for you to kill the porcupine's baby.
Lion Cub 3,What? You mean like in an abortion?
Lion Cub 2,Yeah. An abortion. That can work.
Lion Cub 1,"But, we don't know how to give abortions."
Lion Cub 3,"Do you know some place we can learn, mister?"
Narrator,"""Where can they learn that?"" the boy said with a frown.""I know! The abortion clinic just outside of town."""
Stan,What?!
Narrator,So he picked up the cubs and down the mountain he stormed.And took them to where abortions are performed.
Stan,"No, he didn't."
Narrator,"Yes, he did."
Stan,"No, he didn't!"
Narrator,"Yes, he did."
Stan,"No, he didn't!"
Narrator,Yes... he...  did!
Stan,"Oh, Goddammit!"
Narrator,"Said the boy in the red poofball hat! ""We've made it already, little cubs! Fancy that!"""
Doctor,"Excuse me, what are you doing here?!"
Narrator,The abortion doctor inquired.
Doctor,"If you wanna be in the OR, a pass is required!"
Stan,"I don't know, I- I'm supposed to show these mountain lions how an abortion is performed or something, I... I know, it's ridiculous."
Doctor,"Well, you're in luck, I'm happy to inform!It's only three days until Christmas, so I have lots of abortions to perform!Gather around my table, cute little lions,I'll teach you to do abortions without even tryin'!"
Narrator,"And so the little boy and the cubs gathered around the chair base,And all day watched abortion after abortion take place."
Singer,"Christmas time is once a year.Every critter holds it dear.Every animal big or small,Christmas means so much to us all.It's once a year, it's Christmastime!And it happens once a year.It's once a year, it's Christmastime!When we hear about how Christmas only comesOnce a year."
Stan,"This better have a point, dude. This really better have a point."
Critters,"It's almost time when the time is here,The time that's only once a year."
Beary,Oh look. That little feller is all alone.
Skunky,"Gee, he looks sad."
Critters,Hi there!
Kyle,What the hell?
Beavery,How come you're all alone on Christmas Eve.
Kyle,My... family doesn't celebrate Christmas.
Raccoony,"Aww, but why?"
Kyle,"Well, because, we don't really... believe in Jesus."
Critters,Yay!
Beary,But does that mean you aren't baptized?
Kyle,No. I'm Jewish.
Critters,Yay! Yay!
Beavery,You've got to come with us!
Deery,You're perfect! Just pu-perfect!
Kyle,Huh?
Critters,Yay! Woohoo! Woohoohoo!
Critters,"What special time and special day,It's Woodland Critter Christmas."
Squirrely,Hail Satan.
Narrator,"'Twas the night before Christmas, and above the woods, way up high,a new bright shiny star hung in the sky.For the world to be saved there was only one shot,A little boy with three clubs and an abortion plot."
Stan,"Okay, come on, the critters are over this way. You mountain lions ready to stop the Antichrist from being born?"
Lion Cub 3,Sure. We know how to give abortions now.
Narrator,"He arrived at the critter forest ready to fight,but then gasped when he saw a most dreadful sight."
Beavery,"Gosh, we did it!"
Squirrely,"The critter Antichrist is born, bringin' a thousand years of darkness to the forest."
Narrator,"The Antichrist had been born, sealing the world's fate.The boy in the red poofball hat... was too late."
Stan,Too late?! The hell is that?!
Beavery,"Oh. Hiya, Stanny!"
Kyle,"Stan! Stan, what the hell is going on?!"
Stan,"It's Critter Christmas, dude! It sucks ass!"
Skunky,Now all we have to do is put the Antichrist into our human host.
Critters,Let's go! All right! Woohoo!
Stan,That's it?! Ten thousand years of darkness and I don't even have a Merry Christmas?!
Narrator,"When up in the sky the sound of sleigh bells were heard,And a jolly red sleigh flew down to the earth like a bird!"
Beavery,"Wow, look, there's Santy Claus!"
Critters,Yay!
Raccoony,Let's eat his flesh!
Santa,"All right, what the hell is going on?! Why is there a red star glowing in the sky?!"
Raccoony,"We finally did it, Santa! We brought forth the Antichrist with help from our good friend, Stanny."
Skunky,Death and pain await all living things.
Santa,"Little boy, you should be ashamed!"
Stan,"I mean, I didn't mean to help them, I... I tried to stop them!"
Santa,"Well good going, stupid! There's only one way to stop devil-worshiping critters!"
Critters,Aaaaah!
Stan,"Dude, what the-&#160;?"
Singers,"Hold steady, Santa."
Stan,"Come on, dude."
Beary,"Gee whiz, Santa, you're not gonna kill me, are you-"
Dark Cub,"But Santa, what do we do about the Antichrist?"
Santa,"Don't worry, boys. The Antichrist cannot survive without a human host body to go into."
Kyle,"No.  No, I want to have the Antichrist inside me!"
Stan,What?! Kyle?!
Kyle,"With his power, I can finally make the earth a better place for the Jews!"
Santa,"Don't do it, Kyle!"
Stan,Dude!
Kyle,"Yes, yes! Now the Jews shall take control of Christmas once and for all! HAHA! HAAA!!"
Kyle,"Oh, stop it, Cartman!"
Kyle,Just stop it! That's enough! You aren't reading another sentence of your stupid story!
Cartman,"I don't believe anyone interrupted you when you read your Christmas story aloud, Kyle."
Kyle,This whole time your stupid story was just a way to rip on me for being Jewish at Christmas again!
Cartman,"Mr. Garrison, could you do something, please?"
Mr. Garrison,"Sorry, Eric, but if Kyle feels discriminated against, you'll have to stop or else I'll get a call from his mother."
Cartman,"All right, fine! Forget it!"
Butters,"Well but, but what happened?"
Token,Yeah. Did Kyle bring a thousand years of darkness or not?
Clyde,What happens to the lion cubs?
Cartman,"Well, I guess we'll never know, because Kyle doesn't wanna hear how it ends."
Stan,"No, it all worked out, right? The world was saved and I went home for Christmas dinner."
Kyle,"Dude, why do you care?!"
Stan,Well after all that I at least wanna know if I had a merry Christmas or if darkness rules the Earth.
Kyle,Oh come on! It's obvious what happens! I get killed by Santa Claus so that Christmas is saved!
Cartman,That's not at all what happens.
Butters,"Aw well, come on. Let him read us the end."
Clyde,"Yeah yeah, come on!"
Kyle,"All right, fine!"
Cartman,"""Oh dear, my best friend is possessed! How about that?"" said the little boy in the red poofball hat."
Kyle,"HAHAHAA! Now I shall rule the --  Aww. Uuugh. God it burns! AAAH! My soul is on fire! Whoa! Oh, I don't like this!  I didn't know it would feel so... dark and evil!"
Stan,"Well what did you expect, dude? It's the son of the Devil."
Kyle,"Oh God, what have I done?!  I'm sorry. Please, I don't wanna be the vessel for the Antichrist."
Santa,"I'm sorry, but it's too late, Kyle! Santa's gonna have to kill you!"
Stan,"No Santa, don't!"
Santa,"We don't have a choice. In a few hours, the dark creature inside him will consume his soul."
Narrator,"The little boy fretted. He almost started to bawl,But that's when he came up with the best idea of all."
Stan,The lion cubs!
Narrator,"The little boy quickly begun,"
Stan,I took them to see how abortions are done.
Santa,What?
Stan,"Now cubs, do like they showed you. Hurry up fast!Get the Antichrist out of my friend Kyle's ass!"
Narrator,"And in the twinkling starlight, each little cub did their portion.They remembered all they had learned and gave Kyle an abortion."
Kyle,"Thanks, everybody. I'm sorry I got a little crazy there."
Santa,"Well little boy, it seems that you  have really been through a lot. Is there any special present you would like this year?"
Stan,"Yeah. Yeah, there is."
Mother Lion,"Wha -- Oh my, what happened?"
One of the Cubs,Mommy?
The Cubs,"Yay! You're back! We missed you, Mommy!"
Stan,"Oh, good."
Narrator,"And back home, there were presents, and lots of food to get fat.And it was the best Christmas ever for the boy in the red poofball hat."
Narrator,"And they all lived happily ever after. Except for Kyle, who died of AIDS two weeks later."
Kyle,"Goddammit, Cartman!"
Singers,"Christmastime is once a year,Every creature holds it dear,Every animal big or small,Christmas means the world to us all,It's once a year, it's Christmastime,When we hear about how Christmas only comesOnce a year."
Character,Line
Doctor,"Hello, Mr. Garrison, I'm Dr. Biber. I'll be performing your surgery today."
Mr. Garrison,"God bless you, Doctor. I know you'll make me well again."
Dr. Biber,"Now, you're absolutely sure you want a vaginoplasty?"
Mr. Garrison,My whole life I've been a woman trapped in a man's body. A sex-change operation is my last chance at happiness.
Dr. Biber,"All right, then let's begin.  Just relax, Mr. Garrison. I think if more people could just see a sex-change operation, they would know how perfectly natural it is. The first thing I'm going to do is slice your balls."
Mr. Garrison,"Ough, ergh. Eww."
Dr. Biber,"With the scrotum open, I can now discard of your testicles."
Mr. Garrison,"So long, balls."
Dr. Biber,"Now, I'll just continue the incision up the shaft of the penis."
Mr. Garrison,"Oh, that stings."
Dr. Biber,Now I'll just... turn your... penis inside out.
Mr. Garrison,OH! Oh jeez.
Dr. Biber,All we need to do now is ...stuff the ...unskinned penis inside your... pelvis... And now I'll use the skin from your penis to make vaginal lips.
Mr. Garrison,Do I look like a woman?
Dr. Biber,Pretty much.
Stan,"Dude, don't be nervous."
Kyle,How can I not be nervous? Trying out for the All-State team has been my dream for years.
Stan,"You're the best player at our school, dude. You'll make the team for sure."
Cartman,This is ridiculous. Jews can't play basketball.
Kyle,"I beat out YOUR fat ass, Cartman!"
Lead Referee,All students trying out for the All-State team to center court!
Stan,Good luck.
Coach,"All right boys, now you're all here because you're the best of the best.  I know that you've all worked really hard to make it this far, so let's get out there and  SHOW ME WHAT YOU'VE GOT!  Uh, uh excuse me, Brof-Broflovski, is it?"
Kyle,Yeah?
Coach,"Can we talk to you for a minute?  You uh... You're the best player in your school, are ya?"
Kyle,Yep! I love basketball. I wanna play for the Denver Nuggets one day.
Coach,"Yeah. Uh, look, kid, you've got great skills and a great attitude. But you're just not physically ...built for the game."
Kyle,Oo whataya mean?
Coach,"Well, it's just that... Jew's can't play basketball.  Awright, kids, we've gotta work on that shooting! Come on!"
Stan,"Dude, you were awesome, Kyle.  Look, y-you gave it your best shot, right? That's all you could do."
Cartman,"Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa! You-hoo-hoo-hoo loh-ost! Hahahahahaaahaaa!  Kyle, I'm totally ripping on you at a totally inappropriate time."
Kyle,I know. I deserve it.
Cartman,"Yeah, you know why? Because Jews can't play basketball!"
Kyle,"You're right.  Jesus, that was fun..."
Man,"Hey everybody, you're not gonna believe it!"
Randy,Believe what?
Man,It's Mr. Garrison! Only it ISN'T Mr. Garrison! He- He's a woman now!
Mrs. Garrison,"Hello everybody!  Can you believe it ladies? I'm one of YOU now!  Wow, just look at all these tampons! Regular, heavy flow- Oh boy, I can't wait till I get my first period!"
Mrs. Garrison,"Hi gals!  Oh boy, can you believe the sales they're havin' out there? Well, I'm about to pee out my vagina for the first time.  Give us a hug. Girls' Club!  Oh wow! This is great! Look at that, I'm peeing sittin' down like a dainty dignified little woman!  Sany, any of you ladies wanna go see a sad movie together?  You guys try those new wings tampons? Do those work well?"
Stan,"Kyle, you have to cheer up, dude. So you aren't built right for basketball."
Kyle,But I feel like a basketball player. That's all I wanna do.
Mrs. Garrison,"Hello, boys! It's me, your teacher! Mrs. Garrison!"
Cartman,"You guys, Mr. Garrison has titties."
Mrs. Garrison,I had a sex-chamge operation. My penis is now a vagina and I'm experiencing womanhood for the first time in my life! See ya in class!
Kyle,Mom? Dad? What's a sex-change operation?
Gerald,"What? Th'um, nuh-nothing. I- I'll explain it to you when you're a little older."
Kyle,"But our teacher, Mr. Garrison? He just had his penis made into a vagina. How come?"
Ike,Penis!
Gerald,Your teacher had a sex change?? Oh my God!
Ike,Vagina!
Gerald,That does it! I'm taking you boys OUT OF THAT SCHOOL!
Sheila,"Gerald, that is very closed-minded of you! You shouldn't judge people who want to change."
Gerald,He's a teacher! How are we supposed to explain this to our children?!
Sheila,"It's very simple.  You see, Kyle, sometimes a person' outside doesn't reflect who they are on the inside."
Kyle,Yeah. That's right.
Sheila,"They feel like they're somebody trapped in another person's body. And so, they can have a surgery  that makes them more into the person they see themselves as. Do you understand?"
Kyle,Totally! I totally understand!
Sheila,"There. You see, Gerald? He totally understands."
Dr. Biber,"So, I hear you're interested in reconstructive surgery."
Kyle,"Yeah. My school teacher wanted to be a woman, and you made him into one."
Dr. Biber,"Oh yes, Mr. Garrison. Uh yes, he had a vaginoplasty. Mhm."
Kyle,"Well, do you also do other surgeries like that?"
Dr. Biber,Sure. You see sometimes a woman wants to be a man. That procedure is called a peniplasty.
Kyle,"No, no, uh I wanna be tall and black."
Dr. Biber,...You what?
Kyle,I hate being small and Jewish. I feel like a tall black man.
Dr. Biber,Ohhhhh! You want a negroplasty!
Kyle,Yeah!
Stan,Wha-a-a negroplasty??
Dr. Biber,"It's a fairly common procedure, really, just the reverse of a caucasioplasty just like Michael Jackson had. Let's take a look here.  What we do is slice your face and peel it back so we can insert now pigment producing cells inside.  We break the arm bones in several places and put braces to make them longer.  Now, the knees we need to snap off and fill with small round objects that can cause better movement.  And we finish it off with a nice peniplasty to enhance the genitalia.  Negroplasty takes about seven hours and costs roughly three thousand dollars."
Stan,"Uh excuse me, is this really a good idea?"
Dr. Biber,"Well, it's a good idea if you wanna be tall and black. Otherwise, I wouldn't recommend it."
Mrs. Garrison,"Hello, Mr. Slave.  Boy have I been busy. A woman's work is never done.  I got some tampons. I should be getting my period really soon. I hope I don't get too emotional and drive you crazy with my PMS.  Mr. Slave, I got&#160;!Mrs.somethin' for us, too.  Would you like to take this beautiful woman to bed?"
Mr. Slave,No thanks.
Mrs. Garrison,"Nu- no thanks? Come on, Mr. Slave, I wanna try out my new snootch."
Mr. Slave,I can't believe you just went ahead and had that surgery without even asking me what I thought.
Mrs. Garrison,"Well, I ASSUMED you supported me. It's still me; I just have a vagina instead of a penis."
Mr. Slave,But I'm gay! I don't like vaginas!
Mrs. Garrison,Don't you even care that I was suffering? I wasn't happy the way I was!
Mr. Slave,"It's great that you feel better, but you never stopped to think about how other people around you would feel!"
Mrs. Garrison,"Look, we can still be together. All you have to do is stop being gay!"
Mr. Slave,How can you say that?! You're gay too!
Mrs. Garrison,I'm not gay! I'm a woman!
Mr. Slave,"Oh, Jesus Christ!"
Mrs. Garrison,"Oh, so is that it?!  You're just gonna walk out?! You men are all alike! Go ahead and find somebody who doesn't have a vagina, you fag!"
Kyle,Mom! Dad! I have awesome news! The doctor who gave Mr. Garrison his sex change said he can make me tall and black.
Sheila,What??
Kyle,Dr. Biber said he can give me a negroplasty so I can finally look the way I've always wanted. He even took my picture and then did computer imaging to show what I would look like after the surgery.
Gerald,"Oh, just great! You see, Sheila?! This is what your transgender progressive thinking gets you! Now your son wants to be transracial!"
Kyle,"Can I have three thousand dollars, Mom and Dad, huh?? Can I??"
Sheila,"Absolutely not, Kyle!"
Kyle,But why not? You said sometimes people need surgery to make them feel better about themselves.
Sheila,"Yes, but Kyle-"
Kyle,"Well, all my life I felt I was black! I've listened to hip-hop, I watch UPN and I love playing basketball! My body doesn't reflect who I am inside."
Sheila,"Kyle, you have to accept your body the way it is."
Kyle,Why? Why do I have to accept it when I can change it?
Sheila,"The answer is NO, Kyle! You're NOT going to have negroplasty!"
Kyle,But Jews can't play basketball!
Gerald,"Kyle, you'd better stop being anti-Semitic right now, mister!!"
Kyle,I'm never speaking to either of you ever again!
Gerald,"Oh, that does it!"
Sheila,Where are you going?!
Gerald,That Dr. Biber is about to get his ass bitten off!
Gerald,Who the hell do you think you are?!
Dr. Biber,Dr. Biber.
Gerald,What kind of nutjob would agree to surgically alter my son into a tall African-American?!
Dr. Biber,"Oh, you're Kyle's father."
Gerald,"Huh that's right! And I also happen to be a lawyer! And I'm gonna have you sued for malpractice, and your clinic shut down!!"
Dr. Biber,What is that on your shirt?
Gerald,"What th- Look, they're- They're dolphins! Why?"
Dr. Biber,"Ahhh you like dolphins, hm?"
Gerald,"A b--uh I love dolphins, Ever since I was a child I dreamt of... Huh b-b-b- But that has hardly any bearing on what I'm hear to-"
Dr. Biber,I can make you one.
Gerald,...What?
Dr. Biber,"Invert the back, move the esophagus to the top of the head. Yes, a full dolphinoplasty could be achieved relatively simply..."
Gerald,Make me a... dolphin?
Singer,"If I could swim with the dolphins, the soft and gentle dolphins...Why can't I swim with the dolphins?"
Gerald,"...No.  No, no, it's crazy."
Dr. Biber,There's nothing crazy about a person wanting to look on the outside the way they feel on ths inside.
Announcer,It's Girls Gone Wild!  These girls will do anything!
Mrs. Garrison,"Oh jeez, should I do it?! Should I do it?! Oh what the hell!  Wooo! Huhuh, wooo!"
Men,Awww!
Mrs. Garrison,"Look, I'll giggle and make them bounce up and down!  Heeheeheeheehee, heeheeheeheeheeheehee."
Mrs. Garrison,"Oh boy, men will do just about anything to get a look at our tits, won't they? Men are all the same. My boyfriend walked out on me! Turns out he was a fag. But I've been livin' it up ever since, havin' sex with all kinds of different guys! Girl power!  You know, the strange thing is, I haven't gotten my period yet. Is there a reason a woman might miss her period?"
Redhead,"Well, normally, if a woman misses her period, it means she's pregnant."
Mrs. Garrison,"...Pregnant?  Oh my God. Of course.  I haven't gotten to experience a period because... one of those truckers I slept with got me knocked up.  I'm pregnant, everybody! Hoh boy, now I can have an abortion!"
Sheila,Gerald! What happened to you?!
Gerald,"That doctor is a miracle worker, Sheila. Iiii'm the happiest I've ever been.  Look, Ike! You're daddy's a dolphin!"
Sheila,A dolphin?!?!
Gerald,"Sheila, ih-it was wrong of us to be so judgmental of Kyle. If he isn't happy with who he is, then who are we to deny hm surgery that will make him feel better about himself?"
Sheila,"Gerald, this is crazy!"
Gerald,"I used to think I was crazy. But Dr, Biber told me that there are a lot of other people out there who are transspecies. All I did is change my appearance to look the way I felt...  here. And I'm telling you now that if we don't let Kyle do the same, he may never be happy. Ever! We owe him more than that, Sheila. We owe him understanding!"
Butters,"Fellas! Hey fellas, you gotta come see!"
Stan,What?
Butters,"Uhh, it's Kyle! Huh, he's a Negro!"
Jason,Wow.
Craig,Can't believe it.
Clyde,Did it hurt?
Kyle,"Yeah, but it was totally worth it."
Stan,"Jesus Christ, dude!"
Kyle,"Look, Stan, I'm finally whole! My dad is even gonna take me back down to the all-star game to see if I can try out for the team again!"
Gerald,"Come on, Kyle, we should get going!"
Kyle,"Alright, Dad!"
Stan,"Dude, is Kyle's- dad a- dolphin?"
Cartman,He's a Jewish dolphin. A Jewphin.
Mrs. Garrison,"You here for an abortion too?  Yeah, I discovered a few days ago I wasn't bleedin' out my coo, so I guess I'm knocked up. Is this doctor any good?"
Nurse,Mrs... Garrison?
Mrs. Garrison,"Oh, that's me."
Mrs. Garrison,"Hello doctor, looks like I need an abortion."
Doctor,...an abortion?
Mrs. Garrison,"Yeah, I've got one growing inside me. Now, are you gonna scramble its brains or just vacuum it out?  ...If you want you can just scramble it and I'll queef it out myself."
Doctor,Mmister Garrison-
Mrs. Garrison,Mrs. Garrison.
Doctor,"Mmrs. Garrison, you can't have an abortion."
Mrs. Garrison,Don't you tell me what I can and can't do with my body!  A woman has a right to choose!
Doctor,"No, I mean you're physically unable to have an abortion, because you can't get pregnant."
Mrs. Garrison,But I missed my period.
Doctor,"You can't have periods either.  You had a sex change, Mr. Garrison, but you don't have ovaries or a womb. You don't produce eggs."
Mrs. Garrison,"You mean, I'll never know what it feels like to have a baby growing inside me and then scramble its brains and vacuum it out?"
Doctor,N-that's right.
Mrs. Garrison,"But I paid five thousand dollars to be a woman. This would mean I I'm not really a woman. Ih, I'm just a... a I'm just a guy with a mutilated penis!"
Doctor,"Basically, yes."
Mrs. Garrison,"...Oh boy, do I feel like a jackass."
Mrs. Garrison,Hey asshole!
Dr. Biber,"Excuse me, I'm performing an operation here!"
Mrs. Garrison,You told me you were going to make me into a woman!
Dr. Biber,I gave you a sex change.
Mrs. Garrison,Yeah?! Well what kind of woman can't have abortions and bleed out her snatch once a month?! You made me into a FREAK is what you did! And I want you to change me back!
Patient,Am I a man yet?
Dr. Biber,"Mr. Garrison, I can't reattach your organs."
Mrs. Garrison,Why the hell not?!
Dr. Biber,Because I've already used your testicles to fashion new knees for a little boy who wanted to be tall and black.
Mrs. Garrison,You WHAT?!
Dr. Biber,And your scrotum has been made into a dorsal fin for a man who wanted to look more like a dolphin.
Mrs. Garrison,"Oh you! You're comin' with me right now to find my ball and scrotum right now, Mr. Man!"
Announcer,Welcome to the All-State Basketball Playoffs between the best fourth-grade players from Colorado and the best fourth-grade players from Wyoming.
Kyle,"Coach! Coach, I'm all better. I'm ready to play."
Coach,Who are you?
Kyle,"Ih it's me, Kyle Broflovski. I had a negroplasty. Can I play in the All-State team now?"
Coach,"Well, you're tall and black enough. All right, Broflovski, suit up!"
Kyle,"All right!  Dad, I can play!"
Gerald,"Alright Kyle!  Excuse me, where do you have special seating for dolphins?"
Mrs. Garrison,"Boys, have you seen Kyle?! He's not at home."
Stan,"Kyle went down to play in the basketball game, Mrs. Garrison."
Dr. Biber,He's going to play basketball? Oh my God.
Mrs. Garrison,What?
Dr. Biber,"Well, ah I only made him look like he could play basketball. If he actually does it, the testicle in his knees will explode!"
Stan,What?! But you made him into a basketball player.
Dr. Biber,"No, I just made him look more like one. We have to stop him from playing! Those testicles in his knees are ticking time balls!"
Mrs. Garrison,Oh Jesus! We've gotta get to my balls before Kyle hurts himself!
Singer,...and the home of the... brave!
Coach,"Broflovski, be ready to take over for Owens."
Kyle,"I'm a hundred percent ready, coach!"
Gerald,"Eh excuse me, where, where is the bathroom for dolphins?"
Usher,We don't... have one.
Gerald,Well where the hell am I supposed to go to the bathroom? I I need a large tank with salt water.
Usher,Ahhh- Too bad?
Gerald,"Damnit you people have to make special arrangements for transspecies people like me! I may be a dolphin, but I'm also a lawyer!"
Usher,You're a lawphin?
Usher,Tickets please.
Mrs. Garrison,We don't have tickets!
Security Guard,"Sorry ma'am, no tickets, no entry."
Mrs. Garrison,"Look, there's a boy with my balls in his knees and he's in serious danger!"
Usher,What?
Mrs. Garrison,My scrotum!  That dolphin has my scrotum! Now let us in!
Security Guard,"You can't go in, ma'am!  We have unauthorized entry on level one!"
Coach,"All right. Broflovski, you're going in next possession."
Kyle,All right!  Ow. Hm.
Mrs. Garrison,"Gerald, where's Kyle?!"
Gerald,What? Why??
Mrs. Garrison,My balls are in his knees. If he jumps with them they'll explode!
Gerald,Oh my God!
Security Guard,"There they are, next to that dolphin!"
Dr. Biber,"Come on, we've gotta get to those balls!"
Security Guard,Stop them! They didn't pay the two-dollar entry fee!
Announcer,"Now substituting for Colorado, number 8, Kyle Broflovski."
Stan,"Oh Jesus, he's about to play!"
Gerald,"Mrs. Garrison, grab Kyle!"
Mrs. Garrison,Which one is he??
Wyoming Coach,"Hey, what the hell?!"
Gerald,Stop the game!
Kyle,I got it! I got the ball.
Stan,"Kyle, NO!"
Announcer,Broflovski goes for the dunk!
Mrs. Garrison,NO!  My baaaallllssss.
Officer,So let me get this straight. That woman over there was trying to get to her balls which were in the knees of a black child whose father is a dolphin.
Stan,"Yeah, that's basically it."
Officer,"Sounds like an open and shut case. All right, let's head 'em out!"
Dr. Biber,"I'm sorry, Kyle, I should have told you the surgery was cosmetic only."
Gerald,"So, does this mean I'm not really a dolphin?"
Dr. Biber,"Let's get you two up to the clinic and I'll change you back, for a nominal fee."
Kyle,But what about Mr. Garrison? He can't go back.
Mrs. Garrison,"You know what? I'm okay. Even though I'm not truly a woman, I think I still like the new me. I'd rather be a woman who can't have periods than a fag.  Hey guys! This girl is staying a woman! Who wants to pound my vadge! Girl power!"
Cartman,"Hello, ma'am. I'm working to clean up the neighborhood from parasites. Do you mind if I take a quick look around your house? I'm afraid you may have hippies."
Elderly Woman,Hippies?
Cartman,"Yeah, they've been poppin' up all over the neighborhood lately. Ms. Nelson next door had seven hippies in her basement; they usually live in colonies.  Hm, I don't like the sound of that. Could I take a look in your attic?"
Cartman,"Oh yeah, boy. Take a look at this, ma'am.  See that? Hippies."
Elderly Woman,Oh my.
Cartman,"These are what we call the uh giggling stoners. Pretty common form of hippie, usually found in the attics. Problem is, if you see one hippie, there's probably a whole lot more you're not seein'. Uh, whe-where's the backyard."
Cartman,"Yep, that's what I thought. See that? You've got a drum circle in your backyard."
Elderly Woman,"Oh, well they showed up a few days ago, but I didn't think they were hurting anything."
Cartman,"Yeah. You know, I had a guy in Jackson County. He had a little drum circle in his backyard. It turned into a drum circle four miles in diameter. You get a few hippies playing drums and next thing you know, you got yourself a colony."
Elderly Woman,Oh dear.
Elderly Woman,"Oh, well, so, so what do I do?"
Cartman,"Well, your attic could be so we can fumigate with polymarethane. The drum circle we're gonna have to gas.  God dammit!"
Hippie 1,"Whoa, how did I get here? Man, I'm so high."
Cartman,God damn hippie!
Hippie 1,"Whoa, dude!"
Cartman,Get out of here!
Hippie 1,Not cool!  What's up?!
Cartman,"Ma'am, I need to clear out your giggling stoners and your drum-circle hippies RIGHT NOW, or soon they're gonna attract something much worse!"
Elderly Woman,Ooooo...what's that?
Cartman,The college know-it-all hippies.
Driver,"Wow, my friend Brittany was right. This is a really laid-back place."
Woman 1,"Yeah, this will be a great place to spend spring break."
Kyle,"Hey, let's ask them."
Stan,"All right.  'Scuse me.  Hello, we are selling magazine subscriptions for our community youth program. Would you like to help young people like us by purchasing a subscription of your choice?"
Driver,"Oh wow, you guys shouldn't be doing that. Don't you know what you're doing to the world?"
Kyle,Wha- whataya mean?
Man 1,"You're playing into the corporate game! See, the corporations are trying to turn you into little Eichmann's so that they can make money."
Stan,Who are the corporations?
Woman 2,The corporations run the entire world. And now they fooled you into working for them.
Stan,Are you serious? We never heard that.
Driver,We just spent our first semester at college. Our professors opened our eyes. The government is using its corporate ties to make you sell magazines so they can get rich.
Kyle,Ugh! Those dirty liars!
Kenny,(Sonofabitch!)
Man 2,This is a really nice town you have here. That's why the corporations are trying to use you to take it down.
Stan,Well... Well what do we do?
Driver,Just hang with us for a bit. We'll fill you in on everything you haven't been told.
Hippie 2,It is time to let us out! I'm sending your names! Open this door right now!
Cartman,"All right, in you go."
Hippie 2,"What are you doing, man?!"
Hippie 3,Let us out!
Cartman,Get back. Get back or you're all gonna get maced!
Hippie 2,"What's up, man?! You can't keep us down here like this!"
Hippie 4,What's wrong with you?!
Cartman,What's wrong is that there's more of you showing up every day and I need to find out why!
Hippie 5,What makes you think you could tell us where to live?!
Hippie 6,"This is a free country, man!"
Cartman,"Brah, I'm not gonna argue with you, all right? Just go with it."
Hippie 3,Just go with it? We've been down here for days!
Cartman,"And you're gonna be here a little longer, brah, all right? Here, here's some joints , and a guitar!"
Singer,What's goin' on in this world o'mine?There's a whole lot of killin' in this world o'mine. Somebody's gotta help this world o'mine...
Stan,"Sign, sign everywhere. SignDone something to my mind."
Sharon,"Stan, sweetie, we're gonna go to the mall. Do you wanna come?"
Stan,"Mom, the mall is a way for the corporate fat cats to imprison you into a life of servitude. I've got some stuff you should read."
Sharon,"Okay, sweetie."
Mayor McDaniels,"All right, people, we can move onto issue number 14B."
Chef,"Mayor, we have got to do somethin' about all these potholes on our roads!"
Linda Stotch,We don't have it in the budget to fix them right now.
Gerald,We'll wish we spent the money when we have a lawsuit on our hands.
Chef,We-
Guard,You can't go in there!
Cartman,"Please, I have to talk to you all right now!"
Mayor McDaniels,"Kid, we're have a city council meeting."
Cartman,"Mayor, something very big is happening, and if you all don't give me a moment of your time, there may be no more South Park to council over!"
Randy,What are you talking about?
Cartman,"I'm talking about the end of all life as we know it.  For the past several days I've been... noticing a steep rise in the number of hippies coming to town.  At first I thought maybe it was just a coincidence.  Then I saw this...  Three new drum circles have sprouted up here, here, and here. They're all growing in diameter, at a rate of two hippies per hour. What this means... is that the hippies are conglomerating. They're thriving, if you will. I think that they're setting up for a... . hippie music festival."
Linda,A what?
Cartman,"It's, it's simple science. Look: When hippies start to nest in a new area, it draws other hippies in. With the right weather conditions and topography, it can lead to a music festival. One that last for days, even weeks. Reggae on the River, Woodstock, Burning Man, they will all pale in comparison to what we're looking at now. In my professional opinion... I think we're looking at a full-blown hippie jam festival the size of which we've never seen."
Mayor McDaniels,"Kid, what the hell are you talking about?"
Cartman,"I know hippies. I've hated them all my life. I've kept this town free of hippies on my own since I was five and a half. But I can't contain them on my own anymore. We have to do something, fast!"
Mr. Mackey,"Uh, Eric, we're, we're talkin' about potholes right now, m'kay."
Cartman,It's not potholes you need to worry about. It's potheads. I know what these people are capable of. '
Mayor McDaniels,"Johnson, get him out of here."
Cartman,What are you doing?!  You have to listen to me! You can't sweep this problem under the rug!  The town is in serious danger!
Driver,"You see, the corporations take their profits and invest it in the war machine while keeping everyone blind."
Stan,"Right, so how do we get back at them?"
Kyle,"Yeah, we're pissed off."
Driver,"Well, so my idea was this: Let's have like a week long music festival, draw everyone here, and then together, we can tear it all down.  Whoa, what the hell?!"
Cartman,"I knew you were trying to have a hippie jam festival! All right, everyone pack up your crap, we're going to our basement!"
Kyle,"Cartman, what the hell are you doing?!"
Cartman,"Oh Jesus, not you guys?  What happened? Were you bit? Did you eat their brownies? DID YOU EAT THEIR BROWNIES?!"
Stan,NO!
Cartman,"Listen, you're my friends, but if you've been compromised, I'll have no problem taking you out! I'll expect the same from you."
Man 1,"What is your problem? Get lost, little Eichmann."
Woman 2,Oh my God!
Man 2,What the hell are you doing?!
Cartman,Everybody get in a single-file line!
Officer Barbrady,There you are!
Cartman,"Ah, Officer Barbrady, you're just in time. These college know-it-all hippies were setting up for a music festival, just as I predicted."
Officer Barbrady,"Eric Cartman, you are under arrest."
Cartman,What?
Officer Barbrady,I was just over at your house and freed sixty-three people you had locked in your basement.
Cartman,"You let them out?! Jesus, we have to find them!"
Officer Barbrady,"Oh no, you're coming downtown!"
Cartman,"No! No, we have to stop them! You know how we-?! We gotta stop them! Hebbiaaay!"
Driver,Who was that?
Cartman,What did I do?!
Officer Barbrady,You can't kidnap people and lock them in your basement.
Cartman,"They're not people, they're HIPPIES!"
Mayor McDaniels.,Is this problem under control?
Officer Barbrady,"I handled it, Mayor. Gee whiz."
Cartman,"Mayor! Mayor, I confirmed the data! The hippies are going to have a massive jam band concert!"
Mayor McDaniels,I know. I signed the permit.
Cartman,You... You what?
Mayor McDaniels,"I signed a permit allowing them to have their concert here. Their little ""festival"" should pump some money into our economy."
Cartman,They're hippies! They don't HAVE any money! Does the city council know about this?!
Mayor McDaniels,They don't have to know. I can sign whatever permit I want!
Cartman,You just SOLD OUT OUR TOWN!
Mayor McDaniels,That kid really needs some psychiatric help.
Officer Barbrady,Yeah.
Mayor McDaniels,"All right, let's go."
Cartman,"How much money is enough, Mayor?! How many people's lives it is all worth?! God damned hippy!"
Announcer,This is a South Park News special report!
Anchorman,Thousands of people have descended on South Park for a hippie music jam festival. The event is said to be the largest such gathering in the history of man.
MC,"All right, welcome to Hippie Jam Fest 2005!  Sooo great to see sooo many people turn out to make an impact on on the world!"
Stan,Yeah!
Kyle,You said it!
MC,"For too long, the corporations have bled the world of its love and resources! It is time for us to get to work and make the world a better place! And we're gonna start right now."
Man 1,"Oh man, I can't wait to see the look on those little Eichmann's faces when they hear this crunchy groove."
Randy,"Sharon, have, have you seen Stan?"
Sharon,He went with his friends to that music festival.
Randy,"Oh, Jesus, what has gotten into that kid?!"
Sharon,"Now, Randy, we were the same way once, too. Don't forget that we were both considered hippies back in the '60s."
Randy,"Yeah, but when we did it we actually stood for something. I mean, remember Woodstock, Sharon? We actually did something there."
Sharon,"You ate too much acid, man!"
Sharon,...Oh my God. Our son is with those people.
Randy,S-stan. STAAAN!
Announcer,This is South Park News!
Anchorman,Fear and horror in South Park today as the music festival continues to grow.  They're arriving in droves and apparently no end is in sight.
Reporter,"Tom, the crowd just keeps getting bigger and the town is literally bursting at the seams. We don't know where this music festival came from, but, it's very close to consuming us all."
Linda,"Steven, what do we do?"
Randy,"Stan?! Stan?! I need to get through, please!"
Jimbo,"Randy! Randy, you've got to get out of here! If they just trample this park, we'll be trapped! It's too dangerous!"
Randy,My son is in there! Duh-uh!  Stan?!  Stan! Stan!
Male hippie,"Hey, chill man. It's all good."
Female hippie,Have some water laced with acid.
Randy,Sta-ogh. Ugh!
Mayor McDaniels,What have I done?
MC,"Yeah, South Park is now the hippie capital of the world!"
Mr. Mackey,"Uh huh hi Eric, uh, how's it goin'?"
Cartman,"Great, I love crapping in a toilet with no rim on it."
Randy,"Eric, you were right. About the hippies. Could you... get rid of them for us now?"
Cartman,Let me guess: they've started a hippie jam band music festival.
Sheila,"We we need to take care of them, Eric! They're out of control!"
Cartman,Forget it.
Randy,Please. Some of our kids are in there. We should have listened to you earlier.
Chef,Yeah. We apologize.
Jimbo,Please. Don't let them ruin our town.
Cartman,"It's too late! Even if I did agree to help, there's too many of them now!"
Mr. Mackey,"We know you can do it, Eric. You're smart. Wha- why you're the smartest kid in school, m'kay?"
Randy,"We're just asking you to try. The whole town even got together and, and baked you a cake."
Cartman,Don't think that you can buy me with presents! ...Unless of course it's the new Tonka radio-controlled play bulldozer.
Randy,It's yours.
Cartman,I want the batteries for it too. And I get to drive it around in the school parking lot.
Principal Victoria,Fine.
Jimbo,Anything else?
Cartman,Yes.  Kyle doesn't get to have one! Ever! And he has to watch me drive mine around the school parking lot and get super-jealous!
Sheila,"Well, we can promise not to buy one for Kyle, but we we can't make him watch you play th-  Oh yes! Fine! We'll force Kyle to watch you."
Cartman,"All right, fine. But now listen up and listen good! I've never tried to get rid of this many hippies before, so I'm gonna need every resource this town has! And even if I don't succeed, and it's a million-to-one shot that I will, I still get the Tonka radio-controlled bulldozer and get to play with it in the school parking lot where Kyle has to watch me and get super-jealous because he doesn't have one! Are we clear?!"
Driver,"Wow, this band is so crunchy. Dude, I need more weed."
Stan,So it seems like we have enough people now. When do we start taking down the corporations?
Man 1,"Yeah man, the corporations. Right now they're raping the world for money!"
Kyle,"Yeah, so, where are they. Let's go get 'em."
Man 2,Right now we're proving we don't need corporations. We don't need money. This can become a commune where everyone just helps each other.
Man 1,"Yeah, we'll have one guy who like, who like, makes bread. A-and one guy who like, l-looks out for other people's safety."
Stan,You mean like a baker and a cop?
Man 2,"No no, can't you imagine a place where people live together and like, provide services for each other in exchange for their services?"
Kyle,"Yeah, it's called a town."
Driver,"You kids just haven't been to college yet. But just you wait, this thing is about to get HUGE."
Cartman,"All right, everyone listen up! The hippie jam band festival is now fourteen miles in diameter and five hundred thousand hippies thick."
Randy,My God...
Cartman,"In less than three days, all of South Park will be completely consumed. My only hope is to fight our way to the center of the crowd, and reach the heart, here.  If we can reach the stage, we can upload this Slayer CD into their music system.  Hippies can't stand death metal. If everything works, they should disperse just before they consume us all."
Jimbo,"Nice plan, kid, except there's one giant flaw. That hippie crowd is massive! How the hell are we supposed to get through it and reach the stage?"
Cartman,We drill.  I've designed a vehicle that can bore its way through even the densest hippie crowd. They pilots inside will be safe from the pot smoke and the crappy music outside.
Steven,Yuh... actually suggesting that somebody drives right into the heart of that mob? It's a suicide mission!
Cartman,"Not just somebody. I need a complete team to operate this vehicle. Along with me I'm gonna need a scientist, an engineer, and of course, a black person who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong."
Randy,I'm the... only scientist in town.
Linda,I'm your engineer.
Steven,"Honey, no!"
Linda,"I have to do it, Steven."
Cartman,"All right, then we just need a black person who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong.  Lessee, anyone would do, anyone who meets the qualifications, let's see...  Oh, I know. How about-"
Chef,"Yeah, yeah! I get it! Fine!"
Steven,I I can't believe we're actually listening to this. This is a crazy plan!
Randy,"You got a better ides, Steven?! Dammit, my son is in there!"
Cartman,"There's no more time for ideas! We have to have this vehicle up and operational in less than three days! Look, it's a long shot! But it's also the only shot we-  got."
Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where a desperate attempt to save the town is underway. Some call it a suicide mission, but the heroic men and women of the hippie digger may be our only hope of survival."
Ramdu,"Well I... guess this is it, Sharon."
Sharon,"Please, save our boy, Randy."
Linda,"Butters, if anything happens to Mommy, I, I want you to be a good boy."
Butters,"Ah I will, Mom."
Chef,"Now, now, don't cry, ladies. Everything's gonna be fine."
Cartman,"I... don't want you to worry about me, Clyde Frog.  Hey! You're the best stuffed animal I've ever had."
Sheila,Look out for yourselves!
Mrs. Garrison,Godspeed!
Cartman,Primary engine running?
Randy,Check.
Cartman,Navigation systems?
Linda,Online
Cartman,Let's punch this baby.  We're coming up on the outer perimeter of the hippies. Hang on.  Reaching hippie crowd. Hull status?
Randy,Vehicle shell holding!
Jimbo,They're in!
Townsfolk,"All right! All right, yeah! We did it!"
Mayor McDaniels,"All right, people, let's save it!  They still have a long way to go!"
Stan,"Alright, I can't take it anymore! I'm getting on that stage!"
Kyle,You're doing what?
Guard,"Hey, you can't go up there. Hoohoo, woo!"
Cartman,Switching to secondary fuel line.  What's that?
Randy,The drill is getting too hot from all the hippies.
Mayor McDaniels,What's happened?
Mr. Mackey,"They, they s- they stopped. Something's wrong."
Steven,Jesus... they're dead in the water.  '
Stan,"Uh, excuse me. Excuse me, can I have your attention please? What are we doing?  It's been nine days! Doesn't it seem like we should accomplish something?"
A hippie,We're using the power of rock and roll to change the world! Woo!
Stan,"Maybe instead of complaining about corporations being selfish, we should look at ourselves. I mean, is there anything more selfish than doing nothing but getting high and listening to music all day long?"
Singer,He's right. It's time for all of us to focus our energy and get this hippie jam into full swing.
Cartman,"Come on, come on!"
Linda,It's useless. The main power line has been shut down.
Randy,Somebody's gonna have to go outside and activate the backup boosters.
Cartman,"No, Chef, I'm not gonna let you go out there!"
Chef,...I didn't volunteer!
Cartman,"...All right, fine Chef, go!"
Chef,...Aw dammit!
Mayor McDaniels,That's it. We're going to Plan B. Nuke the crowd!
Steven,God dammit no! Y-you have to give them more time!
Stan,"Dude, these people have no idea what's going on. Let's get out of here."
Kyle,We can't. Kenny just checked. There's a wall of people like seven miles thick behind us.
Stan,"What? You mean, we're stuck here listening to this crap?"
Man 2,"Hey, what happened to the tunes, man?"
Man 1,More tunes. More tunes!
Linda,"We made it, We made it!"
Cartman,Hit the PA system NOW!  Put me in the main line!
Randy,Which cord is it?
Cartman,"You're the scientist, jackass!"
Randy,I'm a geologist!
Linda,We don't have time to argue! They're gonna nuke us!
Randy,Nyugh!
Cartman,Put them in my laptop!
A hippie,"Oh man, not cool."
Hippie 3,This music is so angry.
Man 2,This is killing my buzz.
Man 1,Let's bail on this whole angry scene.
Randy,It's working!
Linda,What?
Randy,"It's, it's working!"
Mrs. Garrison,We did it! We did it!
Stan,Dad!
Randy,Stan!
Chef,I'm alive!
Cartman,"Hold it right there, Kyle!"
Kyle,"Whoa, Cartman. We aren't gonna be hippies anymore. Y-you don't have to kill us."
Cartman,Kill you? Oh no. I have much bigger plans for you now.
Cartman,"Hoho! Aw man, this is awesome! Weeeee!  Oh here, Kyle, you wanna play with it a little while.  Oh, psych! You don't get to! Hehe. Oh, check it out! Cooool!"
Mrs. Garrison,"Children, children, we have a very special announcement.  Your classmate, Token, has just returned from winning the Colorado Child Star Contest with his incredible singing! Well let's give him a hand!"
Stan,Token sings?
Cartman,Of course he sings. He's black.
Mrs. Garrison,Token is going to sing in front of a huge audience at the Miss Colorado Pageant in Denver. And for doing it he's gonna be paid two hundred dollars.
Class,Whoa!
Stan,Two hundred dollars.
Mrs. Garrison,"Now of course, as a woman, I'm a bit against those chauvinistic pageants, but I hope that you children take a moment today to congratulate Token for being so special."
Stan,"Wow, two hundred dollars. Can you imagine?"
Kyle,How come we never get opportunities like that?
Cartman,"You wanna know what it is, guys?"
Kyle,We're not talented?
Cartman,"That's right. We're not talented. See, we're not the artistic side, we're the thinking side."
Stan,Yeah. We're too smart to be talented.
Cartman,"Wait, you guys! I just had an amazing idea. Token is going right to the top, right. I mean, he's gonna be a huge star."
Kyle,Probably.
Cartman,"So, why shouldn't we get some of that money? We can be Token's agents. That way, we get ten percent of whatever he makes!"
Stan,Hey yeah! We deserve that money just as much as he does.
Cartman,"We just need a really kickass office and some nice suits. A and a fountain in our lobby. All top agencies have fountains in their lobbies. We gotta make Token think he needs us, when actually he doesn't need us at all."
Stan,He's looking at the sign.
Cartman,"Perfect! All right, you guys get back to the office, I'll bring Token there."
Stan,All right.
Cartman,"Wait a minute! You guys, this is very important: when I bring Token back to the office, have Kenny hide in another room, and call the phone on my desk."
Kyle,Why?
Cartman,"Because I'll answer and pretend I'm talking to somebody super famous and important. When Token sees that, maybe he'll think we're legit."
Stan,It's genius.
Cartman,"Okay, go go, here he comes.  Yeah? Well then tell him we're just not interested.  Oh hey, Token! Buddy, my man, what is up?!"
Token,Nothin'
Cartman,"Hey, you know, I heard you were doing some thing down in Denver tomorrow night."
Token,Yeah.
Cartman,"Yeah I don't know if I ever told you this before, but I'm actually an agent over at the Super Awesome Talent Agency. You may have seen our ads around town. Anyway, why don't you come down to the office, Token? Maybe I can convince the company to represent you."
Token,I'm supposed to be home by 3:30.
Cartman,This will only take a second.
Cartman,"Welcome to our offices, Token. As you can see, we are quite a successful company. Did you notice the fountain? Pretty nice, hm?  Come on over this way, Token.  Guys, you remember Token. He's thinking about becoming a client."
Stan,"Ohhhh Token. Right, yeah, you're makin' a smart move, man."
Cartman,"Now, Token, I I know what you're saying to yourself: You're saying, ""Hey, why do I need an agency? Why should I give them ten percent?"" Right?"
Token,...Yeah?
Cartman,"Token, the truth is that without representation, you're in danger of being taken advantage of.  Uh uh, excuse me just a second, Token.  Super Awesome Talent Agency. Oh yes, hello! How are you, Abraham Lincoln?  Yeah, yeah, no, I'm happy you called, Abraham Lincoln. I'm just sort of in the middle of something right now."
Kyle,Can I talk to you?!
Cartman,"I'll I'll call you back, Abe."
Kyle,What the hell are you doing?!
Cartman,I'm making it look like important people call us.
Kyle,Abraham Lincoln has been dead for two hundred years!
Cartman,...well Token doesn't know that.
Kyle,Yes he does!
Cartman,How?!
Kyle,"Token actually pays attention in school! Unlike you, fatass!"
Cartman,Jew!
Stan,"You guys, we're gonna lose our client."
Cartman,"Yes, yes, I think that's a good idea, guys. Let's give Michael Jordan a call about that.  Ah, now, where were we?"
Token,We were at why I should give you ten percent.
Stan,"Look, Token, here's the bottom line. You're gonna start having a lot of offers comin' at you from all directions. A media storm is about to hit you and you can't handle it on your own. Nobody can."
Kyle,"Eminem, Justin Timberlake, Hootie... They all have agents. You need somebody to manage it all for you."
Stan,"This thing in Denver is is just the crust, Token. With our support, you can have the whole pie."
Token,"Well, I guess that makes sense. All right."
Cartman,Uh if... we could just get you to sign right here?
Kyle,"Welcome to the team, Token."
Stan,"Ah Kenny, Token just signed with us!"
Kenny,"(Hey, terrific!)"
Cartman,"From now on, we are an entertainment team, Token. You just do all the singing, all the performing and all the entertaining,and leave the rest to us."
MC,"And there are your finalists, the sixteen most beautiful women in Colorado. Here to sing for our sixteen lucky finalists, the winner of the Colorado Child Star Contest, Token Black."
Token,You'll never find...As long as you live...Someone who loves you...Tender like I do...
Man,"Wow, he's really great. We should get him to sing at Tommy's bar mitzvah"
Stan,"Oh, you're interested in hiring our client?"
Cartman,"We represent Token.  Give us a call, we'll work out a deal."
Token,"Whoa, I'm not braggin' on myself, babyBut I'm the one who loves youAnd there's no one else! No-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh one else."
Mrs. Garrison,"Just between us girls, nothin' gets my vadge wetter than a black man singing."
Principal Victoria,"Mr. Garrison, for the love of God."
Token,"... (you're gonna miss my lovin')I know you're gonna my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove."
Stan,"You were awesome, Token!"
Kyle,We knew you could do it!
Cartman,"Two hundred dollars, Token, that's great! And ten percent of two hundred is..."
Kyle,Twenty dollars.
Token,Here you go.
Kenny,(All right!)
Cartman,Sweet!
Stan,This is just the beginning. I bet we start to see all kinds of offers comin' in for Token now.
Agent,"Hey there my man, that was a great performance."
Token,Thanks.
Agent,"Don Heisman, Creative Arts Agency in Los Angeles. I think you've got real promise. How'd you like to sign with CAA?"
Token,Are you serious?
Stan,"Uh excuse me, Token already has representation."
Cartman,You may have heard of Super Awesome Talent Agency.
Don,"Mm, no. Uh, look, Token, there's some shows in LA we wanna book you on right away. If you come out to my limo we can talk everything through."
Token,Oh my God! Okay!
Cartman,"Token, you signed with us!"
Token,"Oh, come on, guys. You have to see what a huge opportunity this is for me."
Cartman,What?! Uh they're not so great! They probably don't have a fountain in their lobby!
Don,"Actually, our fountain is two stories tall."
Cartman,...Oooo...
Don,"Come on, Token, we have a lot to talk about."
Kyle,"Mister, you can't do this to us!"
Don,"Sorry kids, nature of the business, you know?  Do you like steak, Token? I know a great place for you locally."
Cartman,...Goddamnit!
Stan,So unfair... so unfair.
Kyle,All that time and effort we spent helping Token and this is the thanks we get?!
Cartman,This just goes to show that hard work doesn't pay off! I'm gonna be a homeless drug addict from now on!
Mr. Kim,"Ahh hello, is this the Talent Agency"
Stan,Huh?
Mr. Kim,"I see this sign on the street for a talent agency? I need a representation.  Hey, wowee, nice fountain."
Stan,You were looking for a talent agent?
Mr. Kim,"No, not me, my wife.  This is Wing. She just come over from China.  She over here uh irregarry. The Chinese Mafia help me out."
Stan,And what does she do?
Mr. Kim,"Ah, she sing. She very popular in China. Hey, you just sit and listen. You'll be very impressed.  Well? What you think?"
Stan,"Uh, we're sorry dude, but getting her career off the ground would take too much work for us."
Mr. Kim,"Aww, that's too bad. She just got accepted to be on American Idol in Ros Angeres, but I can't take her 'cause I have to mind the restaurant."
Cartman,You've ...already done all the work?
Mr. Kim,Yes. They say it pays a thousand dowar.
Kyle,"Sir, we would love to sign your wife."
Stan,Yeah!
Mr. Kim,Rearry?
Cartman,"We'll go to LA with your wife. All she has to do is go on the show, do all the performing, make all the money, and leave the rest to us."
Mr. Kim,"Shitty Wok, take your order prease."
Stan,"Hi, Mr. Lu Kim? Uh hi, it's Wing's agents. Everything's fine, yeah, but we're supposed to arrive in Los Angeles in about four hours. Listen, does your wife ever eat? Or anything?"
Mr. Kim,"Oh, don't worry about her. She a very dericate little flower. See, she don't need to eat much."
Stan,"Uhh, all right. We'll call you after she goes on TV."
Mr. Kim,"Okay, bye. Oh oh wait! Can I talk to my wife, please?"
Stan,"Uh sure, here she is.  Okay, finarry everything rookin' up for me and my family.  Welcome to Shitty Wok, take your order prease?  Aw crap, Chinese Mafia!  Aaaaahh!"
Tong Leader,"Mr. Ru Kim, it appears we have a problem."
Mr. Kim,"Oh, a problem? Rearry?"
Tong Leader,"We smuggled your wife into the United States for you. You were to pay us ten thousand dollars for that service. Yet, we have yet to be paid."
Mr. Kim,"We... we working on it! She, she got tarent agent! She's about to make a whole lotta money!"
Tong Leader,"It's too late for that, Mr. Kim. Your wife is now our property. We taking her to Los Angeles, where she will work in massage parlor.until she works off the debt."
Mr. Kim,"No, she... she not here! Prease, just give me a little more time!  Agh!"
Tong Leader,Where is she?!
Mr. Kim,She... she in Arabama.
Tong Leader,You're lying. Turn him around!
Mr. Kim,"Yah, wah, aaaah!"
Tong Leader,You don't wanna tell us where she is? All right. Puh la! Ching ga wai pan!
Mr. Kim,"Ahhh! My shitty chicken!  Nooo, the shitty beef!  No! No wait! Prease! Stop! Prease! Not the shitty shrimp."
Tong Leader,"Tell us where to find her, Ru Kim! You have no choice."
Mr. Kim,She... she go to Ros Angeres with her agents! She gonna be American Idol.
Stan,There it is! American Idol contestants!
Kyle,"Jesus, we made it just in time!"
Cartman,Excuse us!
Contestant,"Hey kid, what do you think you're doing?"
Stan,Ah our client has an audition to this show.
Contestant,Yeah. So do we!
Kyle,Oh crap!
Cartman,"Dude, how long is the wait?"
Contestant 2,It's been about seventeen days for me.
Stan,"Oh no, no no no, come on!  Excuse me, ma'am."
Attendant,Wait in line with everyone else.
Stan,"No, I don't think you understand. We're here with Wing. That's right, the Wing."
Kyle,"Ma'am, we are a very important talent agency. If your producers knew you were forcing people of our stature to the back of the line, well-"
Cartman,"Brrr brrr! Brrr brrr! Oh, excuse me, everyone. That's my cell phone.  Hello? Oh yes, hi, Colonel Sanders! Yes, I'm doing great, but you know, heh, someone at American Idol doesn't know who Wing is."
Kyle,"Aw, just forget it!"
Cartman,"Eh eh, you're right, Colonel Sanders! You shouldn't give her any more chicken."
Kyle,Goddamnit! Goddamnit!
Stan,We can't wait in line! We have to be in school on Monday!
Cartman,Stupid assholes!
Agent,What do you mean your client isn't coming?! We're taping the show tomorrow! Where am I goin' to find another contestant? Fine! Go screw yourself!
Kyle,"Ahh-d, excuse me, sir, did I hear you say you needed somebody for your show?"
Stan,We have someone who's ready to go on TV right away!
Agent,Really?
Cartman,Is there a cash prize involved in your show as well?
Agent,"Well yeah, winner gets a thousand dollars."
Stan,"All right, our client will do it!"
Agent,Great! You kids just saved my ass! See you over at Stage 6.
Kyle,"Hey, is your show as good as America Idol?"
Agent,"Naw, this is better. It's called The Contender."
Stan,"What's ""The Contender""?"
Announcer,"Tonight, two people will compete for glory. One will stay, one will go home, in the new hit show by Sylvester Stallone."
Stallone,Hello.
Announcer,The Contender!
Announcer,"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Contender! Fighting out of the red corner, wearing blue and white trunks, the Destructor from Del Fuego, Mexico, Manuelo Furrrrnanda!"
Stallone,Le's go! Le's see a good fight!
Announcer,"And fighting out of the blue corner, wearing a gorgeous floral-pattern silk dress, Wing!"
Cartman,"Come on, Wing!"
Kyle,Let's do it Wing!
Stan,Go Wing!
Stallone,Aw yeah!
The Boys,Awww!
Kyle,"Oh my God, dude!"
Cartman,"She's got a hell of a chin on her, I'll give her that."
The Boys,Awww!
Cartman,Gay.
Stan,Anyone? Help four boys and a Chinese woman get back to Colorado?
Cartman,Your gift of hope is a great deduction.
Stallone,Hey kid!
Producer,Mr. Stallone says he's sorry it couldn't go better for you back there.
Stan,"Oh, thanks."
Stallone,Yo kid.
Producer,"Mr. Stallone thinks your singer has a lot of talent.  He really likes her voice.  You know, the way she vocalizes the melody,  it brings tears to his eyes."
Cartman,"Thanks, Mr. Stallone. We're just sorry she wasn't a better boxer."
Producer,"Uh, Mr. Stallone wants Wing to sing at his son's wedding."
Stan,You do?
Producer,He'll pay her four thousand dollars.
Cartman,Four thousand dollars?
Producer,Be at this address tomorrow 2 p.m. sharp. And don't be late.
Stan,We won't!
"Stan, Cartman",Waaaaah!
Stan,"You guys, you guys!"
Kyle,What?
Stan,Sylverster Stallone wants Wing to sing at his son's wedding tomorrow! He's gonna pay her four thousand dollars!
Kenny,(What?!)
Kyle,Get out!
Cartman,That's four hundred for us! We did it!
Kyle,Woohoo! Yeah!
Stan,Yeah!
Cartman,Who let the dogs out?
The Boys,Who? Who? Who who?
Cartman,Who let the dogs out?
The Boys,Who? Who? Who who?
Cartman,Who let-?
Stan,"Whoa whoa, wait, wait. ...where's Wing?"
Kyle,What do you mean? We thought she was with you.
Cartman,"Naw, sh-she was with you!"
Stan,"...Oh Jesus Christ. If that big CAA talent agency finds out she has work, they're gonna try to steal her away from us again."
Cartman,Wing? Wing?
Kyle,Wing?
Cartman,"Wing? Here, Wing!"
Kyle,Wing?
Kenny,(Wing?)
Tong Leader,"You thought you could run from us, did you?"
Stan,Oh no!  Hey! That's our client!
Kyle,They did it to us again! That dirty talent agency stole our client again!
Cartman,"Not this time! They dropped their card. Now we know where CAA Talent Agency is! We're gonna march in there, and get our client back."
Tong Leader,"You see, Mrs. Kim, when you made a deal with us, you signed your life away. Yes, we help Chinese citizens sneak into the U.S., but when they get here, they become our slaves. It's an age-old business, and nobody has the guts to stop us."
Stan,"Two four nine all right, this is the place."
Kyle,"Damn, CAA is pretty impressive."
Cartman,Of course it's impressive! They steal everyone else's clients!
Guard 1,"""It's just four little boys"""
Cartman,"Yeah, whatever. You can suck our balls."
Stan,Hello? We want to talk to somebody right now!
Cartman,"Oh my God, you guys. Look!  They do have an amazing fountain."
Kyle,You assholes stole our client! How about some Goddamn business ethics?!
Stan,"You tell 'em, Kyle!"
Kyle,"You think you own the entertainment business, but you don't! Give us back Wing, RIGHT NOW!"
Stan,"Jesus, they really want Wing as their client!"
Tong Leader,What the hell is that?! Go! Go!
Kyle,"Dude, maybe we should give up!"
Stan,"No! Screw that, dude! If we keep letting CAA take all our clients, we're never gonna make it as talent agents!"
Cartman,"Yeah, if these talent agents wanna play rough, we can play rough too!"
Kyle,Cartman!
Cartman,Do you wanna play rough?! Okay!  Take this!
Stan,We've gotta split up and find Wing! You and Kenny go that way!
Kyle,Wing?
Kyle,Stupid talent agents!
Kyle,"All right, Kenny, let's go!  Kenny?  Kenny!  Don't worry, Kenny. You didn't die for nothing.  We're gonna get Wing back as our client and... and make a ton of money! I swear it to you!"
Kyle,They killed Kenny!
Stan,You bastards!
Tong Leader,Enough!  I have a lot of respect for you boys finding your way in here. But you come any closer and I'll blow her brains out.
Cartman,Don't give us that crap! She's no good to you dead and you know it!
Stan,"Yeah, you wouldn't kill her, 'cause then she can't pay you money! We know because we're in the same business you are!"
Tong Leader,This woman has a contract with us! We own her!
Kyle,She had a contract with us first! We own her!
Tong Leader,Her life belongs to us!
Kyle,Her life belongs to us!
Stan,"Guys! Guys! Guys! Don't you see what we're doing? Jesus... we're not talking about an object here, we're, we're talking about a person. I mean, look at what we've all become. All this violence and anger and, and for what? For control over somebody's life who... w-we're all just trying to leech off of."
Kyle,Yeah.
Stan,Wing doesn't belong to us or to you. We're all just caught up in a business that treats people like commodities.
Tong Leader,"Perhaps... you're right. We spend all this time... mooching off the hopes and dreams of others, forgetting that they are human beings."
Kyle,Yeah. It's not a very satisfying feeling.
Tong Leader,I am tired of this business. It is a very dirty and perverse business.
Stan,It's a lousy business. I quit.
Kyle,Me too.
Cartman,"Aw aw guys, come on!"
Tong Leader,"We quit too.  It's time for us to find another way to make money. From now on, all contracts we have on people are null and void."
"Stan, Kyle",All right!
Producer,"Mr. Stallone thanks all of you for coming to his son's wedding. And now as a special treat, it is his pleasure to give you the music of... Wing!"
Wing,"Sing, sing a song, make it simple, to last your whole life long..."
Mr. Kim,"Boys, thank you so much for eveything. You rearry helped us out."
Tong Leader,"Yes, you were right, kids. Her voice is so beautiful.  To think we would have made it so nobody would ever hear her sing."
Stan,I think we all learned it's best to leave talent to the talented people.
Token,"Send a cress in your plates, folks?"
Kyle,Token?
Token,"Oh... Hey guys.  What, what are you doin' here?"
Cartman,"Token, you're... waiting tables?"
Token,"Yeah. Well, it turns out an agency doesn't really do anything for you.  I'm trying to work my way back home."
Cartman,"Aw man, that's too bad, Token. Hey, could you bring us some more bread, huh? Oh and some more olive oil. Chop chop!"
Tong Leader,"My God, her voice is sooo beautiful!"
Mr. Kim,"Yeah, she's a very dericate rittle flower."
Wing,"Sing, sing a song."
Cartman,"Mom! Mom! Get up, we have to go!  MOM, GET UP!"
Liane,"Oh, Poopie-kins, it's very early."
Cartman,"Mom, I told you! The new Sony PSP game machines go on sale at seven a.m. today. I have to be the first to get one!  Come on!"
Liane,"Sweetie, can't we go after school?"
Cartman,Everyone's moms are taking their kids after school! We're outsmarting everyone by getting to the store right when it opens! Let's go!
Cartman,I can't wait to see the look on everyone's faces when I show up to school with a PSP! I wonder if Kyle will cry? Oh PLEASE let Kyle cry!  What the hell?!
Cartman,"Kenny, when did you get here?"
Kenny,(Friday)
Cartman,"Friday?! Aw, Jesus!  I'll just... sort of get in here- in here."
Tall Goth,Hey dickhole! What do you think you're doing?
Cartman,"Uh, my friend Kenny was saving my place in line."
Sixth Grader,"There's no saving place, fourthie! Get to the back or we'll beat your face in!"
Cartman,"Oh, Goddammit!  They'd better not sell out!"
Kyle,That thing is pretty cool. What games did you get with it?
Stan,"It's a game called ""Heaven versus Hell."" Kenny commands the armies of heaven against the forces of Satan.  Dude, you see what Kenny got?"
Cartman,"YES YES, I KNOW! UP YOURS, KYLE!"
Kyle,Wuh what'd I do?
Cartman,JUST SHUT YOUR JEW MOUTH!
Game Voice,"""Congratulations! You have reached ...level nine!"""
Kyle,"Wow, level nine already? Dude, you kick ass in ""Heaven versus Hell."""
Stan,"Yeah, Kenny finally found something he's really good at."
Mrs. McCormick,"Kenny? Kenny, are you still playin' with that thing?  Kenny, it's been two weeks and you've done nothin' else!"
Kenny,(I could get to level sixty!)
Mrs. McCormick,"Who cares if you almost made it to level sixty?! You're wastin' your life, Kenny! If you died tomorrow, what would you have to show for it?! You're gonna end up wishin' you'd done more with your life, just like your dead-beat father!"
Stuart,"Hey, I heard that, bitch!"
Mrs. McCormick,"I wasn't talkin' to you, asshole!!"
Stuart,How about I come in there and kick your teeth in!
Mrs. McCormick,I'd like to see you try!
Stuart,"Goddamnit, do you have to smart off at me in my own house?!"
Mrs. McCormick,"It's my house too, you no-good loser!"
Game Voice,You have reached level sixty!
Kenny,(Yes! Woohoo! I did it! I reached level s-!)
Driver,"Oh yeah, level four, sweet!"
Kenny,"(Hey, that's odd.)  (Hey, I'm floating. That can't be! Hey wait!)"
Angel 1,Open the gate!
Angel 2,Open the gate!
Peter,"Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, Kenny. I am Peter."
Kenny,(What the fuck is going on?)
Peter,"There isn't much time, Kenny. You're dead, but, your death was no accident. Heaven needs you."
Kenny,(Me?)
Peter,"Come! There is much to discuss.  Things are not good in Heaven, Kenny. Satan is planning a massive attack and he knows we are too few in number to stop him! God has changed the rules here. For ages, only Mormons were allowed into Heaven.  But knowing that Hell was becoming much larger, God decided to let more people cross over so that he could build an army as well, an army that YOU must command."
Kenny,(That I what?)
Peter,"The Sony PSP was built by God, to determine who on Earth had the best skills to defeat the armies of Satan. You... are the best. YOU, are the only hope for the universe."
Angel 3,"Satan's army grows as we speak. The Dark Lord knows that our armies are few in number, and unorganized. So our only hope... is perfect strategy."
Angel 4,A child? This is God's solution?
Peter,He beat Satan's army in over three thousand separate simulations.
Angel 4,"Archangel Michael, what say you?"
Michael,"The child did something none of us could: Reach level sixty on the PSP. Now I don't know if that's luck or perseverance, but it's Goddamned impressive. All right, Kenny, let me show you what we're up against.  This is the Kingdom of Heaven. Satan's armies will attack the gate ...here. They are... ten billion in number. Maybe more.  Our armies are here, here, and here. Just under... ten thousand strong.  We are outnumbered and in need of someone who can single handedly bring the whole Dark Empire down. Basically, Kenny, you... are Keanu Reeves."
Satan,My fellow damned souls! Now is the time for our assault!  You know no fear! You will drink the blood of angels! We go now! Nothing can stop us!
Angel 5,"Step aside! Step aside, I say!  Satan! God has mocked thee once again!"
Satan,My spy!
Angel 5,God has found a way to defeat your army.
Satan,Impossible! How?!
Angel 5,"A young man. Basically, he-he's like Keanu Reeves."
Satan,Oh Jesus Christ.
Hooded Figure,"My Lord. My Lord, we must attack, now!"
Satan,What's the point?! They have a Keanu Reeves now.
Hooded Figure,"Do not fear, my Lord. Your army is great!"
Satan,"Very well.  Demon Army, begin your march on Heaven!"
Michael,"Up here, you get the best tactical view to protect the fortress. It is from here, Kenny, that you shall command the armies of heaven."
Kenny,(All right. How am I supposed to do that?)
Angel 6,Simple. You will use... this.
Michael,This golden PSP is king of all PSPs.
Angels,Hail the holy PSP.
Michael,"It works just like the ones we sent to Earth. All the commands you make will be sent to the troops down on the battlefield. All you have to do is play the game, Kenny. Only this time, It's for reals."
Angel 7,Gabriel returns with news!
Gabriel,Hell's army is departing! They head now for the Gates of Heaven.
Michael,"Prepare the troops!  We must be ready for them!  The time is at hand, Kenny. The stage is set and the final battle between Heaven and Hell is about to begin! The fate of the outcome is in your hands.  Where'd he go?"
Female Nurse,"Doctor! Doctor, we have a pulse!"
The Doctor,Then that's it! We brought him back.
Male Nurse,"Amazing, doctor! You've revived somebody who's been legally dead for almost a day!"
The Doctor,Call the parents. They're going to be shocked to find out... their son is alive.
The Doctor,It's the latest in electro-plastilical science. Your son's organs are all functioning again.
Stuart,"It's a miracle... Kenny, you're alive."
The Doctor,"I'm afraid he can't respond to you. You see, being dead for that long, most of Kenny's brain cells died from lack of oxygen. Your son is alive, but, in what we call a ""persistent vegetative state."""
Mrs. McCormick,Will he ever recover?
The Doctor,"I'm afraid no. Brain cells cannot be repaired once dead. But his soul is still in here.  Almost... trapped in here, if you will. Kenny is the same as he ever was. It's just that, now, he's more like ...a tomato."
Stuart,He can't more on his own-ah how will he eat?
The Doctor,A feeding tube. It pumps a nutrient paste directly into Kenny's stomach. With it we can actually keep Kenny the tomato alive for years.
Michael,A feeding tube?!
Gabriel,Yes. Apparently they're using machines to keep them alive.
Michael,But... that's not natural. God intended Kenny to die! What are these people doing?!
Angel 3,The child's soul is now trapped inside his vegetative body. We have no one to command the troops with the PSP.
Gabriel,And Satan's armies are approaching.
Michael,"Oh, Goddammit."
Lawyer,Boys I want to thank you for coming down to my office on such short notice.
Stan,Are we in trouble or something?
Lawyer,"No. Boys, I'm a lawyer. Your friend Kenny has passed away and I've called you here to read his will."
Kyle,Kenny had a will?
Lawyer,"""In the highly likely event of my death, I, Kenny McCormick, wish to leave all my belongings to my good friends, Stan and Kyle. Dudes, you were the friends a guy could have."""
Stan,Oh wow...
Kyle,That's... really touching.
Cartman,(looking bored) Fags!
Lawyer,"To Eric Cartman: ""Eric, I never really liked you. But then, nobody does. You have no ability to feel, and you are going to die alone and miserable. It is only because I feel so sorry for you that I leave you my Sony PSP."""
Cartman,"Oh yeah! Oh yeah, baby! Who the man? Who the man?"
Lawyer,"There is one more thing I would like to ask you all, as my friends. If I should ever be in a vegetative state and kept alive on life-support, please,..."
Stan,Please what?
Lawyer,I don't know. I lost the last page.
Cartman,"Who cares? Kenny's dead!  When do I take possession of my PSP, sir?"
Lawyer,"It's right here, along with Kenny's other belongings. They're all yours."
Cartman,Yes!
Man,He's alive!
Stan,What?
Man,Kenny McCormick! He's alive at the hospital!
Kyle,Oh my God!
Hooded Figure,"Your army nears the Kingdom of Heaven, my Lord."
Satan,I don't know if we should continue without knowing more about this Keanu Reeves God has.
Spy Angel,Satan! I come bearing good news! The Keanu Reeves boy has been revived on Earth! His soul is no longer in Heaven.
Satan,"Then God is helpless.  Full march, to the Gates of Heaven! Victory is ours!"
Stan,Kenny?
Kyle,Kenny! You're alive!
Stan,"Dude, how'd you do that?"
The Doctor,"He can't respond to you, boys. Being dead for that long caused severe damage to his brain."
Cartman,Well... well then he's NOT alive.
Mrs. McCormick,He's alive. He-ee smiles when I talk to him. I think...
Cartman,"That's not Kenny. Kenny sniffs paint and sets things on fire! Here, look.  Kenny, Kenny look. Want a dollar?"
Stuart,I-I don't know if it's right to keep Kenny alive on that machine. I-I just... I don't know what he would want.
Stan,"Yeah, the lawyer lost that page."
Cartman,"Oh, I just remembered! Kenny told me this one time, that he wouldn't wanna be kept alive via feeding tube."
Mrs. McCormick,He did? When?
Cartman,"Um, it was um, this one time..."
Kyle,He did not say that! You just want him dead so you can have his stupid PSP!
Cartman,"Stupid? PSP is stupid?!  Did you all hear that?  Uh I mean, I mean this isn't about PSP, Kyle! This is about my friend, and his wishes. And Kenny said he didn't want to live like this!"
Kyle,He did not!
Cartman,Did so!
Kyle,Did not!
Cartman,"Fine! We'll see about this, you freakin' Jew!  I'm gonna get that feeding tube removed if I have to go all the way to the Supreme Court!"
Peter,Satan's army has crossed over the Plains of Limbo!
Gabriel,Then they will be here on the morrow. Without Kenny's soul here there will be nobody who can use the holy PSP.
Uriel,No! There is another. A Japanese boy did make it to level fifty-nine.
Michael,"Are you stupid, Uriel? Japanese people don't have souls!"
Angel 9,Yeah
Angel 10,Yeah
Angel 11,Yeah
Angel 12,"Yeah, Uriel!"
Uriel,"Oh, right right, I'm sorry"
Michael,"Kenny remains our only hope! Here is what we must do.  Gabriel and Uriel, you go down to Earth and try to get that feeding tube removed. In the meantime  we will put all our troops at Heaven's Gate. We will try to keep Hell's Army from breaking through as long as possible.  Hopefully, it will be long enough to get our Keanu Reeves back."
Cartman,"You see your honor, I was the only one that Kenny McCormick told his wishes to. And Kenny told me specifically that he would never want to be kept alive on a machine. What they're doing to him ...is not right."
Chief Justice,"Well I'm sorry, young man, but the parents want their child kept alive. I don't believe you have any legal authority here."
Cartman,"I do have legal authority, your honor. You see, I was Kenny's... BFF."
Judge 2,Best friends forever?
Cartman,"That's right. Kenny and I have been BFFs since first grade. Here, look.  Kenny has the other half of this BFF necklace. I believe you all know what that means, and how serious this is."
Mrs. McCormick,"Look, Kenny, your friends are here to visit you again."
The Doctor,But this just doesn't seem right.
Stuart,"Wha, what's the matter, doctor?"
The Doctor,I'm afraid I've been given a court order to remove Kenny's feeding tube.
Mrs. McCormick,What?
Cartman,He's right in here.
Kyle,Cartman!
Chief Justice,Kenny's BFF says that Kenny didn't want to be kept alive artificially. The courts have determined we must obey his wish.
Kyle,Cartman is NOT Kenny's BFF!
Police Officer,"Sir, take a look at this."
Chief Justice,"That's all the verification we need. Pull the feeding tube, doctor."
Mrs. McCormick,No doctor! You can't!
The Doctor,I'm sorry. I have no choice.
Gabriel,Here is the hospital
Uriel,"This is hopeless, Gabriel. We cannot interact with anything on Earth, how could we possibly get a feeding tube removed?"
Kyle,That dirty no-good sonofabitch!
Stan,"Now that Cartman got Kenny's feeding tube out, he's gonna die for sure!"
Gabriel,The tube has been removed?
Kyle,How can they let an eight-year-old decide Kenny's fate?
Uriel,"Apparently, some blessed child has done our work for us."
Gabriel,Good. Now all we must do is pray nobody interferes with the child's death a second time.
Kyle,"Dude, we have to do whatever we can to get that feeding tube put back in!"
Stan,Yeah!
Gabriel,No!
Stan,"Let's go to the, uh, media. We'll make everyone in the country know that they're killing Kenny."
Kyle,"Yeah, come on!"
Uriel,"No! No, no boys! Aw Goddammit!"
Anchor,"This is HBC News. A right-to-die case debate is heating up in Colorado,  where Kenny McCormick's feeding tube has been removed by his BFF.  Two boys are bringing national attention to this story by protesting outside the hospital."
Stan,Don't kill Kenny!
All,You bastards!
Stan,Don't kill Kenny!
All,You bastards!
Uriel,"No! No, they're not killing him, they're letting him die!"
Skeeter,You bureaucrats have no right to play God and take that tube out!
Gabriel,"Nono, see, they were playing God when they put the feeding tube IN!"
Anchor,A woman was arrested for trying to bring food to the patient.
Mrs. Garrison,Get your man-hands off of me!
Anchor,"However, a growing number of people are also standing behind Kenny's BFF, Eric Cartman."
Man 1,"We must respect the wishes of people's BFFs. Otherwise, all our BFF necklaces would become meaningless"
Man 2,"We all have BFFs, and we believe that a BFF is the highest legal authority."
Cartman,That's right. Respect our authoritah.
Satan,What mockery is this?!
Hooded Figure,My Lord...
Satan,"The feeding tube has been pulled! If the child dies and his soul returns to Heaven, God will have his Keanu Reeves!"
Hooded Figure,Perhaps the child won't die in time.
Satan,Forget it! I'm calling the attack off!
Hooded Figure,"No! Keep your army marching, my Lord. I will get that feeding tube put back in."
Satan,How?
Hooded Figure,I will do what we always do: Use the Republicans.
George Bush,We Republicans are deeply saddened by the tragic events in Colorado.
Hooded Figure,"Removing the feeding tube is murder, hughughughughughugh..."
George Bush,Removing the feeding tube is murder!
Hooded Figure,Who are we to decide if Kenny should live or die?
George Bush,Who are we to decide if Kenny should live or die?
Hooded Figure,It is God's will that he live!
George Bush,It is God's will that he LIVE!  Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...
Hooded Figure,"No no, you don't say that part."
George Bush,"No no, you don't say that part, haghaghaghagha."
Angel 9,"Jesus, their army is massive."
Angel 10,Heaven help us.
Anchor,The biggest battle of all time is about to begin: the battle of the feeding tube! As people on both sides of the argument vie for media attention.
Kyle,"We want all the country to see that Kenny is alive, and in pain!"
Cartman,I believe the people at home see he's NOT in pain because he's a tomato!
Kyle,"You say tomato, but I say Kenny!"
Cartman,"You say Kenny, but I say tomato!"
Cartman's Side,Tomato!
Kyle's Side,Kenny! Kenny!
Cartman's Side,Tomato!
Judge,"Uuhh, excuse me. I uh, just found the last page of Kenny's will."
Cartman,What?
Judge,I found the page where Kenny specified his wishes about being on life support.
Stan,"Well, what does it say?"
Judge,"If I should ever be in a vegetative state and kept alive on life support, please...  for the love of God, don't ever show me in that condition on national television."
Stan,Oooo.
Man,Oowhoops
Kyle,"Oh geez. Maybe we let this thing get out of hand. This issue is so complicated, but... m-maybe we sh-should just let Kenny go in peace."
Stan,"You mean, Cartman's side is right?"
Kyle,"Cartman's side is right, for the wrong reasons. But we're wrong, for the right reasons."
Both sides,Yeah.
Kyle,"Come on, everybody. I think Kenny wants to be left alone."
Anchor,"We've just received word that Kenny McCormick... has passed away. The debate still rages on in America, but at least now, Kenny... is in a much more peaceful place."
Angel 11,The armies of Satan have already broken through the gate!
Angel 12,We're gonna die!!!
Michael,Send our troops to the battlefield! I'll command as best I can!
Gabriel,Michael! Michael!  The humans finally did the right thing!
Michael,"Oh my God, they killed Kenny! Get him into the command station! Hurry!  Satan's army charges! Tell our troops what to do, Kenny!  So it begins.  Now we shall see the final battle between Heaven and Hell play out!  Yesss, good, Kenny! The angel spearmen are taking out their demon soul rippers! Oh, the cavalry angels are clashing with their Black Knights! Oh my God! My God, this battle is epic! Ohh, they're bringing in their demon dragons! Look at the size of them! My God, this is even bigger than the final battle in the Lord of the Rings movie! It's like, it's like TEN times bigger than that battle!"
Satan,No! NO! How are we losing?!
Spy Angel,The child's soul is in Heaven! God has his secret weapon!
Satan,Full retreat!
Hooded Figure,"Patience, my Lord!"
Satan,"No, Kevin!  That's it! I'm breaking up with you!"
Michael,"Yesss. Yes, Kenny! Satan's forces are retreating! This is TRULY a sight to behold! OH I wish I had a camcorder!  We have done it! We have defeated the armies of Satan!"
Peter,Kenny! Bless your soul! You've saved all of Heaven!
Michael,"Yes, Kenny! And to thank you for all you've done, we are going to give you a very special gift. For saving the entire universe from the forces of evil, we give you this.  Keanu Reeves' statue.  Congratulations."
Kyle,"This is it, Stan. If you strike this kid out, we all get to go home."
Local Announcer 1,Now batting for Conifer is little Allen Varcas.
Randy,Heeey batterbatterbatterbatter heydn no hit no hit can't hit can't hit can't hit it can't hit it can't hit it.
Mr. Varcas,"Hit it out of the park, Allen! South Park sucks!"
Mr. Donovan,"Just look at those boys out there, lovin' the great game of baseball like we did when we were kids."
Kyle,"Aw God, I'm so borrred."
Butters,I see a ladybug- Hello lady ladybug.
Umpire,Strike.
Mr. Varcas,"That was no strike! What the hell is wrong with you, ref?"
Randy,"Good call, ref! Good call!"
Mr. Varcas,"Come on, Allen! This pitcher throws like a girl!"
Randy,What'd you say?!
Mr. Varcas,"You heard me, asshole!"
Randy,You want me to kick your ass right here?!
Sharon,"Randy, sit down."
Mr. Varcas,You want a piece of me?! 'Cause I'm pretty sick of your Goddamned mouth!
Randy,"Whattaya wanna do, huh? Whattaya wanna do?"
Sharon,"Randy, don't!"
Mr. Varcas,"You'd better shut up, asshole!"
Randy,I'm standin' right here! How do you wanna handle it?
Mr. Varcas,I told you to SHUT UP!
Stan,"Aw Jesus, not again."
Kyle,"Come on, Stan! Just strike this kid out so we can end the season!"
Umpire,Strike three! You're out!
Stan,Yes! It's over! It's over!
Local Announcer 1,That's it. South Park wins the game 4 to 0.
Cartman,We're done! No more baseball!
Kyle,No more boring baseball until next year!
Stan,We can start having fun again!
Cartman,"All right, we did it!"
Stan,We did it! We did it!
Steven,"Yeah, we did it, boys! We did it! We're going to the finals! Woohoo!"
Stan,... What?
Steven,Well we won! That means we've got the best record in the division!
Gerald,"Congratulations, boys! You're goin' on to the post-season. Woohoo!"
Cartman,Post-season?
Kyle,Nobody said anything about a post-season.
Tom,There's more little-league baseball for South Park! Yehheah!
Stan,No... NOOO!!
Randy,"This is for what?! Arresting me for what?! I'm not allowed to stand up for myself?! I thought this was America! Huh?! Isn't this America?! I'm sorry, I thought this was America!"
Kyle,I can't believe it. I can't believe we have to keep on playing.
Cartman,Nobody told us if we win too many games we'd go on to the finals!
Stan,"Look, you guys, maybe it's not all that bad."
Craig,Not all that bad? How could you say that?! You hate this game more than any of us!
Stan,"I know, but listen: the finals are all sudden-death elimination, right? That means as soon as we lose one game, our season is over."
Butters,"Well yeah, but... we usually win."
Craig,All the other teams are worse than us.
Jimmy,"Yeah. Let's face it, we're winners."
Stan,I know we can lose if we try.
Kyle,"You mean, throw the game? You know how our parents are about this sport."
Butters,"Yeah. My dad always said ""It's Okay to lose, but if you don't try, wuh you're grounded, Mister."""
The other boys,"Yeah, uh huh."
Stan,"Okay, so then we'll just tell the other team quietly that we're gonna let them win, and then we'll act like we're trying. Our parents will never know."
Butters,"We'd better hope they never know, or else there's gonna be heck to pay. Heck, I tell ya!"
Gerald,"Boy, that was great, wasn't it?!"
Mr. Donovan,"Yeah, our boys really stuck it to 'em!"
Randy,Heeey!
Men,Heeey!
Steven,You're out.
Gerald,How much was bail this time?
Stan,"Hundred bucks, no big whoop."
Richard,"Boy, you really beat the crap out of that Conifer dad."
Randy,Well somebody had to put that knucklehead in his place.
Steven,"Yeah, well, you'd better watch yourself in the playoffs."
Randy,Wha-what do you mean?
Steven,"I mean, you always get in a fight with scrappy redneck dats up here in the mountains, but some of those Division Two dads are tough!"
Gerald,"Yeah, those dads get REALLY drunk and obnoxious."
Randy,I can fight anybody. I just need to train. I just need to get in the best shape of my life.
DJ,...the Beatles in the White Album in Helter Skelter. Okay-
FC Announcer,"We want to welcome all South Park parents to Fort Collins, and the Little League Division One Playoffs."
Stan,"Uhh, hay guys, look, we don't wanna win, so uh,  here's a list of all the pitches I'm gonna throw, in order."
FC Team,Ooooo!
FC Fat Player,"I don't think so, South Park"
FC Pitcher,"Yeah, you think we wanna win? Then we have to keep playing this boring game!"
FC Team,Yeah!
Kyle,You hate this game too?
FC Batter,Yeah! And then we won the stupid regionals and had to do this lousy-ass tournament!
FC Catcher,We wanna play video games.
Butters,Oh no!
Stan,"Look! We're gonna be the losers tonight, all right?!"
FC Pitcher,I don't think so! There's no way you can lose to us! We're going doowwn! We're gonna get creeaamed!
Kyle,"No, we're gonna get creamed!"
FC Batter,We'll just see about that!
SP Team,Oh yeah?
FC Team,Yeah!
Randy,"Oh boy, they're really gettin' into each other's heads out there.  Yeah! Let's go, South Park! These Fort Collins kids got nothin'! Wooo!"
Mr. Pratt,"Come on, Fort Collins! Let 'em have it! Yeah!"
Randy,"Guess that's my guy. I can take him, no problem."
Cartman,"All right, hit one out of the park!"
FC Announcer,And first up for Fort Collins is... Morgan Pratt.
Randy,Heeey batterbatterbatterbatter batteruuuuuuuupp batterbatterbatterbatter!
Mr. Pratt,"Knock it out of the park, Morgan! Cream these turds!"
Umpire,Steerike!
Randy,Yeah!
FC Team,"Yeah, all right!"
Stan,Damnit!
Cartman,"Come on, kid, you gotta at least swing at it."
Morgan,No way! I'm striking out!
Kyle,"Dude, he's not gonna swing! So just throw balls. That way he'll have to walk to first base."
Umpire,Ball!
Cartman,All right!
FC Pitcher,Morgan!
Morgan,What?
FC Pitcher,"You have to swing when it's a ball, otherwise, you're gonna walk to first base. Don't swing, only if it's a strike!"
Morgan,Well how the Sam Hell am I supposed to know if he's gonna be throwing a strike or a ball?!
FC Pitcher,You just have to guess.
Morgan,"Aw, Jesus!"
Cartman,Ball. Balll.
Umpire,Steerike two!
Stan,No!
Cartman,"That was no strike, that was a terrible pitch! You need some Goddamned lasik surgery!"
Randy,"Attaway, South Park! They ain't swingin' at nothin'!"
Mr. Pratt,"Come on Fort Collins! This team can't pitch!  There you go, Morgan! Run run run!"
Morgan,Aw damnit!
FC Pitcher,Why the hell did you swing at it?!
Morgan,Well I thought he was gonna throw a ball that time!
Umpire,Strike three! You're out!
FC Batter 1,All right!
Umpire,Ball four!
Cartman,What?!
Randy,Walk to first! Woo!
Cartman,Aw Goddamnit!
Umpire,Safe!
Kyle,Crud!
Randy,Fort Collins can't play!
Mr. Pratt,Why don't you shut your mouth before I kick your ass!
Randy,"Come on, let's go! I'm right here!"
Sharon,Randy...
Mr. Pratt,Sit down before you get hurt!  Mother bitch!
Stan,Goddamnit...
Umpire,Strike three!
FC Announcer,That's it. South Park wins the game.
Stan,Aw spit!
Randy,"Oh I'm sorry! Why don'tcha get 'im on chars in America, I'm sorry!"
Umpire,Strike three. You're out.
Greeley Batter,Yeah!
Greeley Team,All right! Yeah! Woohoo!
Greeley Man,"Goddamnit Brian, swing!"
Randy,Greeley sucks! Greeley sucks!
Umpire,Ball four!
Butters,Aw hamburgers.
SP Team,God!
Umpire,Strike three!
Cartman,"How the hell was that a strike?!  Goddamnit, he's going to first!"
Randy,"What, is this a Communist country or something?! I thought this was America!"
Umpire,ЎStrrrrike tres!
Pueblo Team,Bueno bueno! Bueno! Espectacular!
Pueblo Dad,ЎVamonos Pueblo! ЎViva la Pueblo!
Randy,"ЎPueblo, no bueno! ЎPueblo es muy mal!"
Umpire,"ЎBall cuatro, por favor!"
Randy,This is America! This is an honest America!
Steven,"Can you believe it, boys?! We're playing in the State Championship Game!"
Kyle,We're so proud of you kids!
Cartman,What happens if we win the State Championship game?
Steven,"Well, then your whole season starts over, but on the national circuit! You get to spend your whole summer playing baseball!"
Kyle,What?
Mr. Donovan,"You could do it, kids! We know you can win State!"
Steven,"Then we'll spend the whole summer going to Nebraska, and to Iowa, and Wyoming."
Stan,"Oh no. No, no, no!"
Stan,"Dad? Dad, we need to talk."
Randy,"Can you believe it, Stan? State Championship game. It's... the greatest thing ever."
Stan,Goddamnit.
Randy,"I've worked hard, believed in myself, and now I'm gonna be fighting in a State Championship game.  This is gonna be the biggest fight of my life."
Announcer,"This is News 4, at noon."
Anchor Tom,The Colorado Little League State Championship is being played this week. Two teams of youngsters get to go head to head at the major-league stadium downtown.
Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing here with the little sluggers and some of their parents, and I can't tell you how excited they are."
Stan,I don't suppose you guys want to win this game.
Denver Player,Win? Why the hell would we want to win?
Denver Player 2,Yeah. Then we'd have to play this boring game all summer.
Reporter,"Little Stan Marsh is the pitcher for the South Park Little League team, and Stan, how does it feel to be playing for the State Championship?"
Stan,Gay.
Reporter,"Mr. Marsh, you must be very proud of your son."
Randy,"They've worked really hard to get here, Chris, and, you know, I don't like to really ""trash-talk,"" but, I don't think Denver has a chance."
Reporter Chris,"Oho, well, I'm sure some of the Denver kids' parents would disagree with you and your team-"
Bat dad,"Oh yeah! Oh yeah!  South Park is goin' down! Feel it comin'!  You ain't got a chance, South Park! Here we go, Denver, here we go! Huh, huh!"
Sheila,Who's that?
A Woman,"That's Tom Nelson, one of the Denver players' fathers. He goes to every game in that ridiculous outfit and usually drinks too much and gets into a fight."
Tom Nelson,There ain't no way some little mountain kids can beat Denver. Not with my son on second base!
Reporter Chris,"Oho, looks like we got some parental trash talking going on here. Mr. Marsh, any comments?"
Randy,Well I think that there's a uh...
Tom Nelson,Mr. Marsh? Who wants to hear from a Mr. Marsh?! Iii am the ultimate Little League trash-talking father! Iii am the Bat Dad!
Denver Cop,"All right, Mr. Nelson, let's go, come on."
Tom Nelson,"Bat Dad knows no fear! Bat Dad knows no pain! I want you, Marsh! I want you!!"
Reporter Chris,"Well, tension is certainly high here, but I guess everything will be decided on the playing field."
Randy,Oh my God.
Denver Player 3,Good luck! You're gonna need it.
Denver Player 4,"Yeah, you can't lose to us. We're terrible."
Kyle,"Dude, what are we gonna do? We can't win this game."
Cartman,"Wiat. I've got it, you guys. A fifth point in a sports movie, the team always goes out and finds a really sweet player to join their team."
Clyde,Like that motorcycle kid in Bad News Bears.
Cartman,"Exactly right, Clyde. So what we need... is to find somebody to join our team, who totally sucks ass."
Stan,Hey yeah. We need to find the very worst kid athlete in the whole world. Somebody who can't possibly win.
Craig,But who?
Kyle,I know who.
Announcer,"Announcing the arrival of flight six seven three, from New York City."
Kyle 1,I'm baaack!
Kyle,"There he is! Now, don't let him know we think he's a loser, or else he won't play."
Kyle 1,"Hello, cousin Kyle. Oh Jesus, that flight was terrible. They served a chicken dish with hot sauce and it gave me gas."
Kyle,"Dude, thanks for helping us out by joining our team."
Kyle 1,"Well, you said you needed my help to win the big game, so here I am. I'll need a wipe cloth if I'm gonna play, though. Sometimes I sweat from holding the bat for so long and then the heat steams up my glasses."
Craig,He's perfect.
Stan,"Yeah, with him on our team, we don't stand a chance."
Randy,...I'm not gonna go.
Sharon,What?
Randy,"Stan's little league game, I'm... I'm not gonna go."
Sharon,Why?
Randy,"I just... don't think I can, all right?"
Sharon,You don't think you can?! This is the biggest game of your son's life! Wny wouldn't you go and support him? What-?
Randy,"Because I'm scared, all right?!  You wanna break me down?! You wanna hear me say it?! I'm scared! I don't know if I believe in myself anymore.  I don't know if I can take this guy, Sharon."
Sharon,"So then, don't. You don't have to get in fights with other parents at Little League games! Just sit there and watch!"
Randy,"Look, I get what you're trying to do. You're trying to get me to realize that I have to fight him because it's who I am."
Sharon,"No, I'm telling you you don't have to get thrown out of games and make an ass of yourself."
Randy,"I've lost the edge. I'm sorry, Sharon. But you have to take Stan to his Little League game alone."
Announcer,Welcoem to the Colorado Little League State Championship Game!  This must be pretty exciting for these youngsters. A chance to go to the national circuit.
Denver Pitcher,You know what these guys look like to me? A bunch of winners!
Denver Catcher,Yeah! We're about to get our asses kicked!
Cartman,I don't think so! You guys are way too good! You're the best at this game!
Denver Pitcher,You're the best!
Kyle,You guys are so good you'll probably go all the way to win the national title!
Denver Pitcher,"Not a chance, 'cause we're gonna lose to you right now!"
Bat Dad,"Here we go, Denver! These South Park kids got nothin' on you! Let's go, Denver!"
Woman,"Chris, will you sit down?"
Announcer,"First up to bat for South Park, Kyle Schwartz."
Kyle 1,Where do I stand?
Umpire,R-right over here.
Kyle 1,"Don't throw the ball too fast, because I might get startled and I have asthma."
Umpire,Strike 1!
SP Team,Yeah! All right!
Kyle 1,"Jesus, not so close! That was three feet from hitting me in the head!"
Second Baseman,He's not gonna swing! Throw balls!
Kyle 1,Oh Jesus!
Umpire,Strike 2!
SP Team,Yeah!
Stan,"Wow, he IS great at sucking."
Cartman,We're gonna lose! We're gonna lose!
Kyle 1,Don't throw it so hard or so close next time! Is it cold out here? I think I need a jacket.
Umpire,It's a bunt!
Mr. Donovan,"Run kid, run!"
Kyle 1,Oh Jesus!
Kyle,Aw crap!
Kyle 1,"I can't, I can't keep running like this! I have corns in my feet!"
Steven,"Keep running, kid!"
Bat Dad,"Throw the ball to third, you idiots! He's runnin' home!"
Umpire,Safe!
Kyle 1,"Oh Jesus, did you see that? I hit a homerun! High-five, everybody!"
Kyle,Oh my God... their pitcher was able to hit him right on the bat.
Stan,"Dude, we had it all wrong. While we spent all our time trying to make our tean suck, these guys practiced and got really good at sucking."
Token,No!
Mr. Williams,Yeeaahh! Go Token go!
Bat Dad,"All right, Denver! You're up to bat now!"
Umpire,Out!
Denver Team,Yaaay!
Kyle,"Jesus Christ! They can bat themselves out!  Our whole summer, dude. We have to play this boring game all summer long."
Butters,Son of a biscuit!
Announcer,"It's the bottom of the last inning here at Coors Field; the score is South Park 23, Denver 0."
Umpire,Strike 1!
Bat Dad,"Come on, Denver! Get the lead out! Do not cross the Bat Daaad!"
Gerald,Geez I really wish this guy would shut up.
Bat Dad,"Why don't you just go home, South Park? You can't beat Denver!"
A Voice,"Denver sucks ass!  Come on, South Park! These kids can't play! In fact, these kids are terrible!"
Umpire,Strike 2!
Kyle 1,"Oh Jesus, we're gonna win! I I never won a sport before; this is so exciting."
Randy,"It's over, Denver! South Park whupped your ass!"
Bat Dad,You'd better shut your mouth before I shut it for you!
Randy,"What do you wanna do, huh?"
Stan,This can't get any worse.
Bat Dad,Now for the finishing move! You're about to be Bat-Dadded!
Commentator,"It all comes down to this! South Park is just one pitch away from being State Champions.  Oh geez, it looks like two parents are fighting. They'd better be careful. The Little League has a no-tolerance policy."
Umpire,"Stop! Stop, or you're gonna get your teams disqualified!"
Stan,Disqualified?  Fight! Keep fighting!
Umpire 2,Break it up! Break it up!  That's enough! The next person that fights is getting his team disqualified!
Bat Dad,He's done for anyway.
Stan,"Come on, Dad! Get up!"
Kyle,Get up! You have to fight!
Umpire 2,"All right, come on! Let's play ball!"
SP Team,Randy! Randy! Randy!
Mickey,"Get up, Randy! Get up, ya bum!"
Sharon,"Get up, Randy! Fight! Fight for me!"
Crowd,Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
Randy,Hey Bat Dad!  I didn't hear no bell.
SP Team,Yeah!
Umpire 2,"Stop, stop right now!  I'm warning you, sir!  That's it! That's it! South Park is disqualified!"
SP Team,Yeah!
SP Adults,Aww!
Commentator,South Park has been disqualified from the game! Denver wins!
Kyle 1,We... We lost.
Randy,What? I thought this was a free country!
Stan,Dad!  You're the greatest.
Stan,"Dude, where is she? We can't wait."
Kyle,"God, this is gonna be sooo yummy."
Cartman,"Stan, you said your mom was bringing Kentucky Fried Chicken home for dinner! Now is she or isn't she?!"
Sharon,Hi boys.
Stan,Mom!
Kyle,She's here!
Cartman,She's got Colonel!
Kyle,I want some!
Cartman,Oh boy!
Stan,I want a breast!
Cartman,"Some extra-crispy thighs, extra crispy?"
Sharon,"Uuh uh uh, not so fast. You boys can help bring in the other groceries in the car, then have your chicken."
The Boys,Awww!
Stan,"But Mom, we've been waiting for hours!"
Sharon,It won't take a minute.
Cartman,"Come on guys. If we all help out, we can do it super-fast."
Stan,All right.
Kyle,"Let's go. Oh my God, that smells good."
Stan,"Okay, this is everything, mom."
Kyle,"All right, let's eat Colonel!"
Stan,"Oh boy!  Cartman, you ate the skin off of every piece of chicken!"
Cartman,"Well, I saved you all the chicken part."
Kyle,The skin's the best part...
Cartman,"Well, I gotta go home, guys. I'm gonna sit on the toilet and read comic books. See you at the bus stop tomorrow."
Stan,I can't believe that fat asshole!
Kyle,You can't believe it?? He does this shit all the time!
Stan,Well this time he's gone too far!
Kenny,"(Yeah, fuck him!)"
Stan,"Why do we even hang out with him, anyway?"
Kyle,Hello?? I've been saying this for years!
Stan,"Well it's not like we're nice to him. I mean, we rip on him all the time!"
Kyle,"Yes, but he thrives on that."
Stan,"All right. Then let's just ignore him. From now on, let's not talk to him, let's not even acknowledge him."
Kenny,(Fuck yeah!)
Kyle,That sounds great!
Cartman,"Hey fags, what's going on?  Dude, I was on the toilet all night from that chicken. I thought I was gonna die."
Kyle,Do any of you guys have milk money I can borrow?
Stan,I think I have extra.
Cartman,"Oh wow, a Jew asking for money! There's a new one.  Yuh, you guys know why Jews have glassy eyes?"
Stan,Here you go.
Kyle,Thanks.
Cartman,"Dude, Stan, yuh you know why Jews have glassy eyes? Like Kyle?  Eh. K-Kenny, you see that chick on the news that had her left titty cut off?  Kenny? Kenny??  Stan? Stan, it's me, Eric!  Eh... Kenny. Kenny, you want fifty cents?  Dude, look at me, Kyle, I'm right here!  Wha...? How did...? Like they couldn't see or hear me. It's almost as if I were...  dead.  No. No, I can't be dead.  I can't be dead!!"
Black Plumber,"All right, ma'am. We've got your new toilet installed and we'll haul away the old one away for ya."
Liane,"Oh, you've been so helpful, I uh, just don't know how to thank you."
Black Plumber,"Hunh, I could think of a few ways, hunh."
Liane,"Ohoho, nhn."
Cartman,No! No!!
Fat Plumber,What happened? Did they say?
Thin Plumber,Apparently there was so much chicken skin in the system it just ruptured the insides.
Fat Plumber,"Aww, that's tragic."
Cartman,"Oh my God, this can't be happening!  Mom? Mom's crying? Oh God, it is true!  Oh, it's not fair!  Why??? Why???"
Jimmy,"Hey fellas, w-where is Cartman?"
Stan,Cartman isn't our friend anymore.
Kyle,We're ignoring him.
Token,Ignoring him? How come?
Kyle,Beause he's a fat racist self-centered intolerant manipulating sociopath!
Token,Oh yeah.
Craig,"Hey, I hate Cartman too. Can I ignore him with you?"
Blond,Yeah.
Kevin,Me too.
Other boys,"Yeah, screw him! Yeah."
Clyde,I never realized ignoring him was an option.
Cartman,"Guys! Guys?  Can anybody hear me? You guys??  Token, Token, I'm here!  Hello! Hello! Hello!  Clyde, can't you feel me?  Feel me, Clyde!  Jimmy! Jimmy, it's me, Eric!  Jimmy!  Can't you feel your hair move?! That's me!  They don't even know yet, that one of their best friends is dead.  Dead and... still wandering the earth a lost soul."
Woman,What is that kid doing?
Man,"Ah I don't know, just ignore him."
Butters,"Lu lu lu, I've got some apples. Lu lu lu, you've got some too-"
Cartman,What did I do to deserve this?!  How can my own God forsake me?! Am I doomed to wander the Earth alone for all eternity?!
Butters,Hey Eric!
Cartman,...What did you say?
Butters,"Huh I just said, ""Hey Eric!"""
Cartman,Butters...  Butters! You can see me??
Butters,"Well, sure I can see you."
Cartman,"Oh my God, and you can hear me??"
Butters,"Well, jeez Eric, why wouldn't I be able to hear you?"
Cartman,"Because, Butters, I'm... dead."
Cartman,"Butters! Butters, I just want to talk to you!"
Butters,You died?? How??
Cartman,I ate a bunch of chicken skin and it blew out my insides.
Butters,"But if you're d-dead, how come I can see you?"
Cartman,"I don't know, but you're the only one who can."
Butters,HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Cartman,"Butters!  Butters, Goddamnit, I need your help!"
Linda,"Butters, what on earth are you doing??"
Butters,Well I think... I'm like the kid in that movie! I-I'm seeing dead people!
Linda,Dead people?
Stephen,Who's seeing dead people?
Butters,Me! I saw a ghost!
Stephen,"Now, Butters, there's no such thing as ghosts."
Butters,But I saw him! Just as plain as I'm seein' you right now!
Stephen,"Butters, these things happen all the time. You've got a very active little brain and your mind was just playing tricks on you."
Butters,"Ruh, really?"
Stephen,Yeess.
Butters,So... so it was just... it was... just my ima... magination then?
Stephen,That's right. There's no reason to be afraid of things that aren't real. There's plenty of real things to be scared of. Like super-AIDS.
Butters,Huh s-s-super-AIDS?
Stephen,That's right. A new form of AIDS which is resistant to drugs. Just one teaspoon of super-AIDS in your butt and you're dead in three years.
Butters,AAAH!  Oh Jesus.
Stephen,So now you feel better? Ghosts don't exist and there's nothing to be afraid of. Except the super-AIDS.
Butters,"Nuh-nothing to be scared of. Jus, just some lightning and thunder.  Gah! Wasn't nothin' neither. J-just a mouse."
Cartman,Butters...
Butters,AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Cartman,"Butters, you have to help me!"
Butters,Go away! You aren't real!
Cartman,"All right, Butters, you leave me no choice."
Butters,AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Stephen,"Butters, what is going on?!"
Butters,Well I saw...  Well he was...  Nothin' I-I just had a nightmare.
Stephen,Well you'd better stop having nightmares or eles you're gonna be grounded!
Butters,"Y yes, yes sir."
Cartman,Butters.
Butters,AH-
Cartman,"Butters, Goddamnit, I'm not in your imagination! I'm dead and for some reason you can see me!"
Butters,But I don't want to see you!
Cartman,"Get a hold of yourself! I'm the one who died! And for some reason, my spirit is trapped here on Earth. I can't find the passage to Heaven."
Butters,Well... how do you know you're supposed to go to Heaven?
Cartman,What do you mean?
Butters,Well... how do you know you're not supposed to go to... you know... Heck.
Cartman,"I'm not going to Heck, Butters! I'm not black, all right?!"
Butters,Oh.
Cartman,Now look: I thnk the reason my soul is still here is because I need closure with all my friends and loved one. I can say my final goodbyes to them through you.
Butters,I can't. Ahah I have school tomorrow.
Cartman,"This is your problem, Butters! Either you help me, or I will haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Butters,"Helll- Uh all right. All right, I'll help you!"
Butters,Mrs. Cartman?
Liane,Yes?  Oh hi.
Butters,"This is going to seem very strange and, and you may not believe me, but, well, your son wanted me to tell you something."
Liane,"Oh, what is it?"
Cartman,"Tell her, tell her that I love her."
Butters,"He says, he love you."
Liane,"Oh, that's so nice."
Cartman,"Tell her, tell her that I wish... I wish I would have been a better son sometimes!"
Butters,He wishes he would have been a better son sometimes.
Cartman,"It's just that, it's just that I got so caught up with the rat race of life tryin' to succeed that I... sometimes... took my family for granted!"
Butters,"He he got caught, he got caught up in the rat race of, of taking things for granted."
Liane,"Oh, that's so sweet. Oh, I love you too, poopiekins!"
Butters,"Kyle, Eric wants you to know that he's, he's sorry for all the times he made fun of you being a no-good stinking Jew.  He's asking for your forgiveness. And and he wants you to just remember the good times."
Cartman,Just the good times.
Kyle,There were no good times! And if he really feels bad he can just tell me himself!
Cartman,I can't! Don't you understand?!
Butters,He can't! Don't you understand?!
Cartman,"God forgave the Jews, you should be able to forgive me!"
Butters,"God forgave the Jews, you should be able to forgive him!"
Cartman,"All right, come on, Butters, we gotta go tell Token I'm sorry for rippin' on him for bein' black."
Butters,Uhh alright then.
Stan,Who was that?
Kyle,It was Cartman having Butters apologize for him.
Stan,"Dude, he did that to me this morning."
Kenny,(Me too.)
Kyle,"He probably thinks if he apologizes to everyone, we'll think he's changed and let him back into our circle."
Kenny,(That guy would try anything)
Stan,"Yeah, we know better than to think that."
Cartman,"Okay, that takes care of Token, Clyde, and Mr. Kitty. That's eveyone, I guess.  All that leaves is you, Butters. Butters, I'm sorry if I ever did anything to hurt you."
Butters,"Aww, that's okay, Eric."
Cartman,"Well, it's all done. My soul is at peace. I think... I can go now."
Butters,So I won't see you again?
Cartman,"Don't be sad, Butters. What awaits each person in heaven is eternal bliss, divine rest, and ten thousand dollars cash."
Butters,Wow.
Cartman,G'bye Butters. I'm goin' to a better place. Perhaps I'll see you again sometime! Good-bye!!
Butters,Yeh you're still here.
Cartman,"Goddamnit, what the fuck is going on?"
Butters,"Well, I guess saying goodbye wasn't enough."
Cartman,What else do I have to do?!
Butters,"Well, well, you know, the preacher says that before your soul can be at peace, sometimes, you have to atone for something bad you did."
Cartman,Atone?
Butters,Did you ever do anything really bad?
Cartman,Not really...
Cartman,"Let's see. Oh, and I broke Mr. Anderson's fence and never told him about it."
Butters,Broke fence...
Cartman,"I took a crap in the principal's purse... seven times. Then there was the time I convinced a woman to have an abortion so I could build my own Shakey's Pizza. I pretended to be retarded and joined the Special Olympics. I tried to have all the Jew exterminated last spring. Uhh, oh yeah, and there's this one kid whose parents I had killed and then made into chili which I fed to the kid."
Butters,"Boy oh boy, Eric, you've got a lot to atone for."
Cartman,Really?
Butters,"Really. I mean, honestly, I don't know how you're gonna make up for all this."
Cartman,I know how.
Eric Cartman,"I'm gonna make, make it right.I'm gonna take a little time and set things right.Make, make it right.I'm payin' for my sins and it sure feels great.It feels so good to be making upFor all the things I've done wrong.I know now what the Good Lord in HeavenWanted from me all along.All along, I'm gonna make, make it right.'Cause Jesus wants me to have a clean slate.Not faking it, I'm making it right.I'm payin' for my sins and it sure feels great.Make, make it right!Make, make it right!Gonna make it right, girl, I've got to have your lovin' tonight!"
Cartman,"Well, there's everything, Butters.  I've made everything right."
Butters,Does this mean... you have to go now?
Cartman,"Yes, Butters, my soul is finally at peace. It's time for me to leave.  Goodbye Butters! Thanks for all your help! Be good and be safe. Goodbye...  Goddamnit, what?! I've made everything right!"
Butters,Oh jeez. I I guess maybe your soul is stuck here for a different reason.
Cartman,"I want my eternal bliss! Do you think this is funny, God?!  Do you think this is funny,..?"
Butters,Eric! Calm down.  Stupid butthole God!
Stephen,Butters! What have you done?!
Butters,Ih ih it wasn't me! Ih it was the ghost!
Linda,"Oh, Stephen, I don't know if we should ground him or call a doctor."
Stephen,"No, I think you'd better call a doctor. I'll ground him."
Linda,"What do you think, Doctor?"
Doctor,Your son is suffering from severe dementia. He claims that the ghost of a dead friend talks to him. This is usually a sign of schizophrenia brought on by some tragic event in the child's past. I think it's best that we take him to the mental center and do some tests.
Linda,Oh no.  NO!
Doctor,"All right, Butters, just try to relax.  Doin' just fine, Butters.  Just stay perfectly still now, Butters."
Butters,"Lu lu lu, lu lu lu"
Doctor,"Good. You're gonna feel a little pinch now, Butters.  Don't worry, Mr. Stotch. Whatever traumatized your son in his past, we'll find it."
Doctor,"Well, after fourteen hours of testing, I can say Butters is definitely suffering from aggravated repressed memory syndrome. You see, Butters, when the brain wants to cover something up, it makes up images and sounds for you to hear."
Butters,So... the ghost was in my head. The whole time.
Stephen,"Now do you believe us, Butters?"
Butters,Yes! Uh yes sir! I believe you.
Doctor,"Good. We're making a lot of headway. We'll do some more testing tomorrow. All right, folks. Let's let Butters get some rest."
Linda,"Goodnight, baby."
Butters,Ahhh.
Cartman,Butters.
Butters,AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Cartman,"Don't worry, Butters, I'm gonna get you out of here."
Butters,"Please leave me alone, Eric. My bottom is really sore."
Cartman,"I found the woman you need to talk to for me. Look!  Doctor Lindsay, expert in the paranormal. She can tell us what to do!"
Butters,"Eric, ye-you're just an image in my head brought on by a traumatic event."
Cartman,She's gonna close soon! Come on!
Butters,Wuh I hate my stupid psychotic brain!
Butters,"Hello, ma'am. May I talk to you?"
Psychic,Certainly. Come in.  Have a seat and tell me what it is you seek.
Butters,"Well, there's this ghost, see? Only it probably isn't a ghost, ih-it's just a delusion brought on by my trauma. Well I'm supposed to heh, help him, find out why his spirit is wanderin' the Earth, even though I know that I'm most likely just completely insane."
Psychic,"Well, many times, the reason that the soul stays Earth-bound is because God is intending to use that soul for a divine purpose, to help prevent an impending tragic event."
Butters,"Of course. That's it, Butters! We had it wrong all the time!"
Psychic,"But now, you shouldn't think you're crazy, young man. I see ghosts all the time."
Butters,Really?
Psychic,Yes. When's the last time you saw yours?
Butters,"Well, he's sittin' next to me right now."
Psychic,AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Butters,"Hey, I think she could see you too. You really are a ghost."
Cartman,"I told you, Butters."
Announcer,This is breaking news!
Anchor Tom,A tragic event is unfolding in South Park. Three convicted murderers have escaped from jail and are holding twelve people hostage at the Red Cross!
Reporter Chris,"Tom, the convicts were about to be arrested when they ran inside the Red Cross behind me, and threatened to kill all the workers inside. The violent men are demanding a helicopter and two hundred thousand dollars cash."
Cartman,"Oh my God, this is it, Butters. This is what I'm here to stop. Come on, Butters. This psychic boy and his ghost pal are going to save the day!"
Officer,"Stay back, people!"
Man,"Stay back?! Hell, my wife and child are in there!"
Det. Yates,Stay calm in there. We don't want anybody getting hurt.
Lead Convict,"You get us a helicopter and two hundred thousand dollars or these people start dyin', man!"
Cartman,"All right, Butters, I'm going in alone, first. Give me thirty seconds in there, and then you go in and free the hostages."
Butters,"Go in there? Uh, but they'll see me."
Cartman,Don't worry. I have a plan.
Butters,"Eric.  Well, be careful, ghost pal."
Cartman,"They can't hurt me, Butters. I'm already dead."
Det. Yates,What the hell is that kid doing?
Bald Convict,Somebody's comin' in!
Convict 2,It's just some little fat kid.
Bald Convict,What the hell is going on?
Convict 2,I have no idea.
Cartman,"Yes, it's working!"
Lead Convict,This is really weird.
Reporter Chris,"An incredible development here, Tom. Two little boys have fearlessly gone inside the Red Cross."
Stan,Cartman?
Bald Convict,I'm so confused!
Butters,"Hurry. Go, go!"
Officer 2,The hostages are clear!
Det. Yates,"All right, move in!"
Convict 2,The hostages are gone!
Bald Convict,What?!  Son of a bitch.
Reporter Chris,"Tom, an incredible story of courage. Two little boys, armed only with the weapon of confusion, managed to go in and save the Red Cross. Nobody seems to know who the boys are or where they went off to, but they are heroes."
Cartman,"Well, we did it, Butters. We saved the day."
Butters,"Boy, we sure did."
Cartman,"My spirit is at rest now. I can finally go to everlasting peace, eternal rest, and ten thousand dollars cash. Butters, I think that, through this whole thing, we've really become friends."
Butters,Yeah. Uh I feel that way too.
Cartman,"We both, kind of needed each other and... well... I'm gonna miss you."
Butters,"I'll miss you too, ghost pal."
Cartman,"Goodbye Butters. I must be going now. I'll be looking down on you from time to time. Have a long, fulfilling life, Butters! Goodbye!"
Stan,"Hey Cartman, that was really cool what you did."
Clyde,"Yeah Eric, we're gonna stop ignoring you now."
Kyle,"We didn't think that by pretending you didn't exist, you would really change, but you really have."
Stan,"Well, anyway, we just wanna let you know. Talk to you tomorrow."
Jimmy,"Yeah. S-see ya, Eric."
Cartman,You sonofabitch Butters!
Butters,Huh?
Cartman,You told me I was a ghost!
Butters,Huh but I thought you were one!
Cartman,"How stupid are you?! So help me GOD Butters, I'm gonna get you back for this! I'm going to  GET YOU BACK!"
Stephen,Butters?!
Butters,Oh hamburgers.
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, kids, as your counselor, I know it can sometimes be difficult to talk about subjects like drugs and sex and alcohol, m'kay? So, as you remember, last week I told you to write down any difficult questions you had and put them in this box anonymously so we could discuss in class, m'kay? I got a lot o' responses, so let's read some aloud.  ""Mr. Mackey is gay.""  Okay kids, that is not funny! M'kay?! This box is supposed to be used for serious questions! About, about serious issues! M'kay, let's let's stop the tomfoolery!  M'kay, this looks like a real one here.  ""Dear Mr. Mackey, you are gay.""  All right, all right. That's enough, kids. Let's quiet down and try to be mature, 'kay?  Uh here we go. Okay, ""Mr. Mackey, sometimes my parents hit me, and you are gay.""  dammit, is there not one serious question in here?!  ""Mr. Mackey is gay, Mr. Mackey is gay""  Okay, here.  I am a boy at South Park Elementary. Sometimes, when I'm sitting in class, my penis becomes hard for no reason. What should I do?  All right kids, all right kids, that's enough!  If you all can't be serious about the question box,  then we'll just do drug identification exercises, unkay?!"
Class,Awwwww!
Mr. Mackey,"M'kay, uhh, Jimmy, why don't you come up here and write down the names of two narcotics?"
Jimmy,"Uh no, that-that's okay, Mr. Mackey."
Mr. Mackey,"Jimmy, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you!"
Jimmy,"Uhhh, just uh ahh not right this second, Mr. Mackey."
Mr. Mackey,Well why the hell not?!
Jimmy,Uh...
Mr. Mackey,"He's what... Oh, you do? R-right now, right now it is? M'kay, m'kay. Don't worry, Jimmy.  N'kay, uhhh, let's pick someone else. Um, Eric, why don't you come up here?"
Cartman,"Hey, that's bullcrap! How come Jimmy doesn't have to do it?!"
Mr. Mackey,"Well, because uh, Jimmy is pitching a tent right now."
Stan,He's what??
Stan,A hundred dollar gift certificate to South Park Mall?  Maybe we should do the talent show.
Kyle,"Well, what's the point? Jimmy always wins with his stand-up comedy."
Jimmy,Hey fellas.
Stan,"Dude, didja see, Jimmy? They're giving away a hundred dollar first prize for the talent show."
Jimmy,Oh I sure have. I've been working on my ruh... ruh... routine all year long
Kyle,"I don't know how you do it, dude. How do you get up in front of that many people?"
Jimmy,"Well fellas, entertainment is my life. I love being in front of everyone.  Aaah!"
Kyle,"Huh wuh, what's the matter?"
Jimmy,"I gotta guh, I gotta go! See ya fellas.  Eh, excuse me! Evuh evuh - excuh, cuh, cuse me! Excuse me, puh-please."
Craig,It's occupied.
Cartman,"No room at the inn, Virgin Mary."
Butters,"Hehey Jimmy!  M'boy, did you see that first prize for the talent show? Why you must be excited! You'll probably win like always."
Jimmy,"Yeah. Yeah, I'm real excited. REAL excited... for some reason... Oh, Jesus! What's wrong with me?"
Butters,"Hey, who's droppin' bombs in there?! How about a courtesy flush?!"
Cartman,"Up yours, Butters."
Sarah,"Hey Jimmy, how was school?"
Jimmy,"Fine, Mom."
Ryan,"Jimmy, we understand you're getting erections in the classroom."
Jimmy,What? Uh who told you that?
Ryan,"Mr. Mackey, your counselor."
Jimmy,Aw J-j-j-j...j-Jesus!
Ryan,"Now, Jimmy, it's nothing to be ashamed of. But we know it's something you might have a hard time talking about. Get it? A hard time. So, we took your counselor's advice 'nd called Doctor Pal to help us all talk about this."
Jimmy,Dz-n-Doctor Pal?
Doctor Pal,"Hey Jimmy, I'm Doctor Pal. That's because I'm a doctor, but I'm also your pal. Are we cool?"
Jimmy,"Uh, sure?"
Doctor Pal,"A lot of times parents call me in because I can relate to younger kids. I'm I'm down, I'm dope, you dig? Now, I understand you have some concerns about erections.  ""Oops, can't say erection in front of the parents right. Oh God, I feel so weird"" huh?"
Jimmy,"Well, a little, yes."
Doctor Pal,"Jimmy, there's nothing weird about random erections. Almost every boy goes through a phase where his penis becomes hard... for no particular reason. It's just part of growing up. Growing up? Growing out is more like it."
Jimmy,But I have to make it stop! The talent show is this F-Friday.
Doctor Pal,"Tell you what, Mom and Dad, why don't you skedaddle for a tick and let us hipsters talk in privo."
Ryan,"A-all right, come on, honey."
Doctor Pal,"Jimmy, as you get older your body goes through a lot of changes. Certain hormones start to release as your whole reproductive system begins to awaken, and so, if you like, we can take off our shirts and kiss."
Jimmy,Ke...c-come again?
Doctor Pal,"Oh, hey, nothin', you see? See, that set you off on a different tangent, got you thinkin' a different way. That's what Doctor Pal is here to do.  Unless, of course, you think we should take off our shirts and kiss."
Jimmy,"N-no, I do NOT want to take off my shirt and kiss"
Doctor Pal,"Well then to hell with you, kid. You can just deal with your problems on your own."
Announcer,"Next up for the talent show, put your hands together for the incredibly talented Jimmy Valmer!"
Jimmy,"Wow, what a what a great audience. So apparently Martha Stewart is out of jail. Have you have you heard about this, have you seen this? She's very excited to get started on her new show, ""Martha Stewart Living, with an electronic ankle bracelet.""  So it looks like the Vatican has finally chosen a new Pope. Have you seen this, have you heard about this?  A-a-apparently they're going to call him New Pope, a-and refer to John Paul as P-Pope Classic.  Uh,.. so it so it looks like Michael Jackson is having back problem in court.  You know... huh... you uh you know what they say about b-b-b-b-back problems.  Uh, uh gee, what a terrific audience.  What a fantastic audience."
Mrs. Garrison,"Don't worry, Jimmy. We're not laughing with you, we're laughing AT you."
Jimmy,Nuh uh! Wuh. Huh. Waaagh! Ungh!
Butters,"Lu Lu Lu, I've got some apples, Lu Lu Lu, you've got some too. Lu Lu Lu, let's get together, I know what we can do, Lu Lu."
Jimmy,Butters!
Butters,"Oh! Oh hey, Jimmy.  I'm just practicin' for the talent show."
Jimmy,"Butters, ah I really need to talk to somebody, and I think maybe you're the only person who won't make f-f-fun of me."
Butters,"Oh Gosh, I'd never make fun of somebody with a problem."
Jimmy,"Butters, do you know what you're supposed to do when your penis gets hard?"
Butters,Well sure I do.
Jimmy,Really??
Butters,"Yes, now sit down, Jimmy, we should have a little talk.  You see, Jimmy, when a man's penis becomes hard, the man puts it into a lady. Into her ""vagiiina.""  Then, the hard penis sneezes milk inside the lady's tummy, and after it's all done sneezin' milk, the penis stops bein' hard, and the man loses interest in the lady."
Jimmy,"So, when your penis becomes hard, you're supposed to put in in a lady's vagina. And then it stops being hard?"
Butters,"That's right, Jimmy."
Jimmy,But where am I going to find a lady to stick my penis in? The talent show is this Friday.
Girl,"Talk to you, Bertha."
Bertha,"Okay, see you later, Jessie."
Jimmy,Hey Bertha.
Bertha,"Oh, hey Jimmy. What's goin' on?"
Jimmy,"Well Bertha, I was wondering if I could stick my penis in your vagina?"
Bertha,What?? No way!
Jimmy,But the talent show is tomorrow!  Ooo!
Bertha,Jerk!
Cartman,"Jimmy, Jimmy, what the hell are you doing, man?"
Jimmy,I'm trying to get laid. What's it look like?
Cartman,"Dude, you don't just go up to a girl and ask her if you can stick your penis in her vagina. Ye-you have to ask her on a date, take her out for some Italian food."
Jimmy,"Wow, seems like you know a lot about this stuff, Eric. Have you gotten laid before?"
Cartman,"Sure, lots of times. I've been laid, like, five thousand times."
Jimmy,"Well, wha-what do I do?"
Cartman,I told you: a date and then Italian food. And then you gotta make her think you're a good listener.
Jimmy,"Eric, I can't tell you why, but it's very important that I score to-night! Can you come on the date and help me? You're like a white... Hitch."
Cartman,"Why sure, they do this all the time in movies and TV shows. You go on the date and wear an earpiece, and I'll be nearby, secretly telling you all the right things to say."
Jimmy,"Wow! Thanks, Eric."
Mom,"Shawna honey, I think your little date is here."
Shawna,"Okay, Mom."
Jimmy,Hey Shawna.
Shawna,Hi Jimmy.
Cartman,"Okay Jimmy. First off, tell her how good she looks."
Jimmy,"Wow, Shawna, you look f-fantastic."
Shawna,"Thanks, Jimmy. Where are we going?"
Jimmy,"We're going to an authentic Italian restaurant, Buca de Fagghecini"
Waiter,Welcome to Buca de Fagghecini for the authentico experience Italiano. My name is Roma. Can I start you out with some lotsa pasta macaroni minis?
Jimmy,"Uh, I think we're gonna try your authentic pizzareli casserona poppers."
Waiter,Right away.
Shawna,You know that girl Sally Rauman at our school? I can't stand her.
Cartman,"Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy, even though what she's saying now isn't interesting at all, you say, ""Wow, that is very interesting. Please tell me more."""
Jimmy,"Wow, that is very interesting. Please tell me more."
Shawna,"Really? Well, Kelligan bought the same purse and I was like, ""No WAY do I want it now!"" because who wants a purse that both their best friends have, right? And so-"
Cartman,"All right, when she stops yappin' again, say ""Wow, I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right."""
Shawna,"I guess that's why I figured, ""Who needs friends like THAT?"""
Jimmy,"Wow, I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right."
Shawna,"It's like I told Debbie: ""If you're gonna go out with my friends-"""
Cartman,"All right Jimmy, when she finally shuts her trap again, I want you to repeat whatever she said, and then follow it with ""Wow, how insightful."""
Shawna,"""And so if you're gonna be that way, I don't need to be your friend."""
Jimmy,"""If you're gonna be that way, I don't need to be your friend."" Wow, how insightful."
Shawna,"You know, Jimmy, you are a great listener."
Jimmy,Really?
Shawna,"Yeah. I mean, no other boys really communicate like you do."
Jimmy,"Oh, I'm so glad you think so, Shawna, because I really wanna stick my penis in your vagina."
Cartman,"Yes, nice, Jimmy, very nice."
Shawna,...What???  I'm not doing that!
Jimmy,But the talent show is tomorrow night!
Shawna,Creep!
Cartman,Aaagh!
Mrs. Garrison,"Welcome students and parents to the annual South Park Elementary Talent Show!  We have a lot of little talneted performers to get through, so the quicker you shut up, the quicker this will be over!  Okay, first up we have Billy Turner, from the third grade, who will be doing an alto sax solo."
Officer Barbrady,Jimmy? Jimmy Valmer?
Jimmy,"Oh... Hi, Officer B b-b-buh b-b-buh b-Barbrady."
Officer Barbrady,"Jimmy, what are you doing here? The talent show is inside."
Jimmy,I'm... not gonna perform in the talent show.
Officer Barbrady,"Not perform?  But Jimmy, you love talent shows. Everyone in town knows that."
Jimmy,I just c-can't risk getting up in front of everyone.
Officer Barbrady,Why?
Jimmy,All right! I I keep getting an erection for no reason! Okay! But I can't get any of the girls here to let me... do it to them.
Officer Barbrady,"Well of course not, Jimmy. Little girls don't wanna have sex."
Jimmy,Then why does God make it so that my penis gets hard if girls don't wanna have it in their vaginas? It's like a cruel joke.
Officer Barbrady,"Well, Jimmy, the girls here are young and pure. They're not like the ladies down at Colfax Point."
Jimmy,...Colfax Point?
Officer Barbrady,"Well yeah, those women will have sex with anybody."
Jimmy,"Really? M-maybe I can catch the bus ...and get down there before the talent show ends. Th-thanks, Officer Barbrady!"
Officer Barbrady,"You're welcome, Jim.  Wait..."
Voice-over,Colfax Point. Pimps and hos and tricks in rows. Women walk the street with corns on their feets. Broken dreams and no ice creams.
Ho,You lookin' for a date?
Jimmy,"Hello? Hello? I need to put my ...p-penis in a woman's vagina. Any takers?  Excuse me, ma'am. What's your name?"
Prostitute,They call me Nut Gobbler.
Jimmy,"Well, Nut Gobbler, I need to get laid."
Nut Gobbler,Huh??
Jimmy,"I have a raging hard-on that just won't quit, and the talent show has already started."
Nut Gobbler,You a cop?
Jimmy,"No. Actually, I'm a stand-up comic."
Nut Gobbler,You got money?
Jimmy,Sure do.
Nut Gobbler,"All right, you got a place to go?"
Jimmy,Sure. I know the p-perfect place.
Roma,"Welcome to Buca de Fagghecini for the authentic experienso Italiano. My name is Roma, and uhhh  Oh, it's so nice to see you again, Mr. Valmer."
Jimmy,"Hey, can it, jackass! I just don't want them to know I was here with a different girl."
Roma,"Oh right, pardone, segnore. I'll come back with some garlic bread mediterraneane."
Nut Gobbler,What are we doin' anyway?
Jimmy,This is authentic Italian food straight from S-Sicily. You should try the Lotsa Mozzarella Pizza Roll.
Nut Gobbler,"I can't eat too much, I've got an infected urinary tract. I've been pissin' blood for a week."
Jimmy,"Oh, uh, wow, that is very interesting. Please tell me more."
Nut Gobbler,"Huh?  Well, that's it, I just piss blood! So I have to stick a tampon up my peehole."
Jimmy,"Wow. You know, I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right. If you're pissing blood, you can shove a tampon up your peehole. You are very insightful. Please tell me more."
Nut Gobbler,"Look, kid, what are you doin'?! You wanna get laid or not?"
Jimmy,Well of couse I wanna get laid. That's why I'm taking you to this ...fancy place and pretending to be interested in what you have to say..
Nut Gobbler,"Kid, I'm a hooker. You don't have to take me to dinner OR be nice to me."
Jimmy,What? Fo-for real?
Nut Gobbler,"You paid me, so you get to do me. It's that simple."
Jimmy,"Well jumpin' Jesus, what are we wasting our time here for then? The talent show is happening right now! Let's get to r-r-rammin'!"
Pimp,"What are you doin', ho?! Havin' dinner?! You're supposed to be workin' for me!"
Nut Gobbler,"It's where the trick wanted to go, you bastard!"
Pimp,Trick?! I ain't stupid! Ain't no trick gonna take you out to dinner!  This PIMP is tryin' to steal you away from me!  This is MY ho!
Jimmy,"I beg to differ with you, sir. I paid for her and took her out to dinner. She's my ho!"
Nut Gobbler,Uh Jesus.
Pimp,"You got a problem, bitch?!"
Jimmy,"Yes, I do have a problem, as a matter of fact! I've spent all my money on this ho, and she's now my only shot at getting laid, and the talent show is only a couple of hours from being over."
Pimp,You're comin' home right now!
Nut Gobbler,"Agh! Let go of my hair, you son of a bitch!"
Jimmy,"Sir, sir, that is my ho!"
Pimp,"I'm gonna kick your ass, ho!"
Jimmy,"Sir, sir!"
Stan,Woof.
Jimmy,Son of a ...b-bitch!  Taxi!  Follow that pimp and ho!
Nut Gobbler,Where are you taking me?!
Pimp,"I'm gonna kill you, ho!"
Nut Gobbler,No! Please! Q Money! I'm sorry!
Q Money,"You're already dead, ho!"
Jimmy,"Sir! I paid for that lady, and by taking her, you are no better than a common th-thief!"
Q Money,"Fuck you, punk!"
Jimmy,"Nut Gobbler, grab onto my crutch!"
Q Money,"Get your ass back in here, ho!"
Nut Gobbler,Aaaah!
Jimmy,"I got you, Nut Gobbler!"
Tall Goth,"No no nono no, I'm not gonna be in the talent show. Oh no nono no. I'll never be in your faggy talent show."
Mrs. Garrison,"Okay, that was the Goth kids with ""Talent Shows Are For Fags"""
Tall Goth,That was killer. We showed them.
Red Goth,"Yeah, I hope we win."
Jimmy,"Come on, ho!"
Cabbie,Look out!
Motorcyclist,Daww?
Nut Gobbler,Aah??  NO!  '
Jimmy,Eugh! Stay on him! I'm not giving up!
Kid Magician,Tada!
Mrs. Garrison,"Okay, very nice, Clark and Laura. Very nice.  Our next act is Butters, who will be singing a song"
Stephen,There's our boy.
Butters,"Lu lu lu, I've got some...  Some... uh, some uh... some, uh... Uuuhhh... Oh no!  No no noho noo!"
Mrs. Garrison,"Okay, thank you Butters, very nice, short and sweet."
Q Money,"Goddamn, this pimp just won't give up!"
Jimmy,Get close to him!  How much do I owe you?
Cabbie,Six dollars and twenty-four cents.
Jimmy,"C-can I just get two back, please?"
Cabbie,"Oh, thank you very much.  There you go. Have a good 'n."
Jimmy,Thank you.
Q Money,"You're gonna pay for this, bitch!"
Nut Gobbler,No! Heelllp!!  Haaaaaaaaaa!!
Jimmy,"Don't worry, Nut Gobbler! I'm coming!  Oh Jesus, not now.  Oh boy, this is embarrassing."
Mrs. Garrison,"And now we have Eric Cartman, who will be doing select readings from the movie, Scarface."
Cartman,"D'you know what you are? You're all a bunch of fucking cock roaches! You need people like me! You need people like me so you can point your fucking finger and say ""That's the bad guy!"" Well say goodnight to the bad guy!!"
Liane,That's my little boy.
Nut Gobbler,"Please, Q Money! Don't do this!"
Q Money,"I told you never to turn on me, ho!"
Jimmy,"Hey, j-j-jackass!  I'm sorry I resorted to calling you jackass just now, but I'm very upset!"
Q Money,"And what are you gonna do, huh?! I've got four feet on you AND a gun! What do you have?!"
Jimmy,What do I have? The weapon of comedy. So apparently the Chinese and the Japanese aren't getting along lately. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?
Q Money,What?!
Jimmy,I'll tell you one thing: their food hasn't been getting along with my stomach for years.
Q Money,That's pretty good.
Jimmy,Martha Stewart is out of jail. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?
Q Money,"Oh yeah. That's right, she is."
Jimmy,She's apparently gotten real good with baking cakes with keys in them.
Nut Gobbler,"Serves you right, you son of a bitch!"
Jimmy,"Nice teamwork, Nut Gobbler."
Nut Gobbler,"I can't believe you chased me all this way. You, you really care about me."
Jimmy,"Not really. You're just a hooker, and I need to get laid. The talent show could be over any minute."
Nut Gobbler,That's good enough for me.  Take me to bed.
Ike,"I have a Yankee Doodle sweetheart,She's my Yankee Doodle girl.'Ankee Doodle came to London,Just to ride the ponies,I am da Yankee DoodleI am da Yankee DoodleI am da Yankee Doodle boy."
Mrs. Garrison,"Okay, very nice, Ike, thank you. All right, children, it looks like we have no more contestants, which means, the Talent Show is over!"
Principal Victoria,"Mr. Mackey, it's over."
Mr. Mackey,"Huh?  Oh oh oh, right."
Mrs. Garrison,Now we will tally up the judges' scores and find out which act they hated the least.
Jimmy,"Hold everything!  Mrs. Garrison, if you don't mind, I'll be taking that microphone.."
Mrs. Garrison,"Okay, let's put our hands together for Jimmy Valmer."
Jimmy,"Wow, what a terrific audience. So apparently it's been exactly two years since the fall of Baghdad. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Just as B-Bush predicted, Baghdad fell, Iraq fell, Saddam fell. The only thing that didn't fall was ...the price of gas.  I just read in the paper that China's protesting Japan. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Yeah, I guess in China you don't get to-  You've gotta be kidding me."
Stan,"Dude, you are right, Cartman. Your uncle Roy has a sweet boat."
Cartman,"Yeah. Isn't this fun? Just you and me hangin' out, Stan. No stupid Kyle around."
Stan,"Man, I wish I could really drive this thing."
Cartman,You know how?
Stan,Sure I do!
Cartman,Well here.  Roy keeps the keys in the glove box.
Stan,"Dude, I don't think your uncle'd want us driving it."
Cartman,"Nobody's gonna know. We just drive it around the marina real quick. Look, if anything happens, I'll take full responsibility."
Stan,"Okay, turn on the ignition,"
Cartman,Awesome.
Stan,Okay...
Cartman,We're not moving.
Cartman,Maybe you have the parking brake on.
Stan,"Boats don't have parking brakes, dumbass! They only have the... oh wait wait. Neutral button!"
Cartman,Waaait! Waitwaitwaaait!
Stan,Jesus Christ!!!
Cartman,"Stan... beaver dam!  Very large beaver dam, Stan!!"
Stan,Oh dude! Oh Jesus!
Cartman,Dude! Stan! You are in serious trouble!
Stan,You said you'd take responsibility to your uncle Roy!
Cartman,I don't even have an uncle Roy! That was just some guy's boat I knew about.
Stan,What?
Cartman,"Look, it's okay. We weren't here. This didn't happen, okay. We were both at my house all afternoon long playing Tea Party. Okay? Now come on, we gotta bail!"
Stan,"Oh God, I hope I didn't hurt any beavers."
Cartman,"Dude, come on! We've gotta get out of here!"
Announcer,"With an eye on America and all of today's events, it's South Park Evening News, with Tom Pusslicker"
Tom,"Herro, crisis and fear tonight, as what appears to be a massive flood has overtaken the town of Beaverton, Colorado, home of the world's largest beaver dam.  Earlier today, a break in the beaver dam which protected the town broke open, trapping people in their houses and destroying their lives."
Sharon,"Oh my gosh, those poor people."
Field Reporter,"Tom, I'm currently ten miles outside of Beaverton, unable to get inside the town proper. We do not have any reports of fatalities yet, but we believe that the death toll may be in the hundreds of millions. Beaverton has only a population of about eight thousand, Tom, so this would be quite devastating."
Tom,"Any word on how the survivors in the town are doing, Mitch?"
Mitch,"W-we're not sure what exactly is going on inside the town of Beaverton, uh Tom, but we're reporting that there's looting, raping, and yes, even acts of cannibalism."
Tom,"My God, you've, you've actually seen people looting, raping and eating each other?"
Mitch,"No, no, we haven't actually seen it Tom, we're just reporting it."
Sharon,"You all done with your fishsticks, Stan?"
Randy,"I'll help you, Sharon.  Boy, that's just awful."
Tom,"In the nearby town of South Park, the cause of the Beaverton flood is being investigated."
Man 1,That's right! We know whose fault this is!
Stan,Huh oh.
Man 1,It's George Bush's fault!
Man 2,Yeah! George Bush doesn't care about beavers!
Man 3,George Bush didn't break that beaver dam! It was terrorists and Al Qaeda!
Man 4,They've been secretly building beaver dam WMDs for years now!
Stan,"Mom, Dad?  Theh, they're gonna go help those people, right?"
Sharon,"I don't know. You know, to me, it seems like the mayor of Beaverton should've done something about that dam years ago."
Randy,"Don't blame the mayor, Sharon. What about FEMA? Think this whole thing is really their fault."
Stan,"Ye-but, uh, s-somebody's gonna help the people off their, their rooftops, right?"
Randy,"That's not important right now, son. What's important is figuring out whose fault this is."
Stan,"Dude! Dude, did you see the news last night?"
Cartman,Yeah.
Stan,You saw all those people trapped on their roofs?
Cartman,"Shyeah, that was pretty funny."
Stan,"Pretty funny?! Dude, we did that!! That was our fault!"
Cartman,"Hehey, no no! We aren't the ones who built a town beneath a giant beaver dam, okay?! That's their fault!"
Stan,But they're trapped now and nobody's helping them!
Cartman,Well they should've gotten out of there!
Stan,Maybe they couldn't get out!
Cartman,We did!
Stan,"Dude, ah I just...  ah I don't know what to do here."
Cartman,"Ah ah ah, ah, I know what you're thinking, Stan. You're thinking, you're gonna go tell Kyle. Look, I know you think he's your best friend, but Kyle is a Jew rat! He has his Jew ethics while he hoards his greedy Jew gold, and he will Jew you out if you tell him about this!"
Kyle,Hey dudes.  Sorry I couldn't make it yesterday. What'd you guys do?
Stan,Nothing
Cartman,"Hngh, totally."
Butters,"Hey, everybody, they just found out what caused the flood in Beaverton!"
Cartman,Aw crap!
Mr. Mackey,"Quiet, children, quiet! We need to hear."
Tom,"At first, nobody knew what caused the dam to break, but now, shocking new evidence has indicated that the flood in Beaverton was caused by... global warming!  It now appears that... all rumors of global warming were true. We were warned this would happen and ...we didn't listen!  We didn't listen!  All the top Colorado geologists have gathered at the governor's office for an emergency meeting."
Randy,"Ladies and Gentlemen, if Global Warming has in fact already caused the Beaverton flood, then this is only the beginning. The effects are going to spread. What we are looking at is a global warming catastrophe the likes of which we've never seen."
Geologist 1,"Excuse me, sir, but, ...when? When is this going to happen?"
Randy,"My colleagues in the scientific community are still running tests, but... we believe it may happen... the day after tomorrow."
Geologist 2,"Excuse me, I'm sure we're all very impressed with your wild theories, Doctor uh, Marsh, but the fact is no statistical proof has ever been confirmed that global warming exists. Are you suggesting we shut down the economy?!"
Randy,"With all due respect, clichй dissenting Republican, the economy isn't going to matter... the day after tomorrow."
Scientist 1,Listen! Listen! We've finished running the tests!
Scientist 2,Global Warming is going to strike... two days before the day after tomorrow.
Randy,Oh my God... That's today!
Man 5,We didn't listen!
Randy,Stan! Get in the car! We have to evacuate!
Man 6,We didn't listen!
Randy,"Come onnn, come on!"
Sharon,It's useless. This traffic isn't moving!
Stan,"Dad, isn't it possible the flood wasn't caused by global warming? I, I mean, the water was held back by a giant beaver dam, after all."
Randy,"No, Stan, I'm afraid us adults just let you children down. We didn't take care of our earth, and now you've inherited our problems."
Driver,We didn't listen!
Randy,"We, we didn't listen!  Come on! Everyone grab what you can! We have to walk!"
Man 7,"Oh Jesus, here it comes!"
Man 8,Global warming!
Man 9,It's coming! Here comes global warming!
Man 10,We didn't listen!
Randy,"Come on, hurry!"
Man 11,It's right behind us!  It's coming the other way!
Randy,"Go back, go back!!"
Stephen,Everyone into the community center! Hurry! Go!
Randy,Get inside! We have to close these doors!
Randy,"Come on, we've got to board up that last window! Seal off all the doorways! We must try to protect ourselves from the global warming."
Sheila,"Mr. Garrison, are you all right?"
Mrs. Garrison,I'm in pretty bad shape. My... leg is broken and my... left boob is leaking
Sharon,"Here you go, sweetheart."
Stan,"Mom, you know, those people in Beaverton are still trapped in the flood."
Sharon,"I know, but, I'm afraid it's too late for them, sweetie. We have to try and save ourselves now."
Gerald,"Shh, shh! We've got the television working!"
Announcer,This is a FOX News update! Global Warming Disaster!
Anchor,"Global warming appears to have struck as predicted in the Colorado Rockies! All around the country, panic and chaos are settling in!"
Field Reporter,"Tom, I am standing just outside of Chicago, where the panic of global warming has already caused countless deaths. Already we're reporting that the death toll here in Chicago is over 600 billion people"
Officer Barbrady,Oh God.
Stephen,"This is all your fault, Jimbo!"
Jimbo,Me??
Stephen,"Yeah! You drive that damn SUV around! You didn't even think about global warming, DIDJA?!"
Kyle,"Can you believe it, Stan? I never thought global warming could happen so fast. I guess... I didn't listen."
Stan,"Kyle, it... it isn't global warming."
Kyle,Huh?
Stan,"Global warming isn't happening right now. It's, it's not what caused the Beaverton flood."
Kyle,How do you know that?
Stan,"Because, I know what did cause the flood."
Kyle,George Bush?
Stan,No.
Kyle,Terrorists?
Stan,No.
Kyle,Communists?
Stan,No.
Kyle,Chinese radicals?
Stan,No.
Kyle,...Cartman?
Stan,...sort of.
Kyle,Cartman flooded Beaverton?!!
Stan,"Shh! Not, not exactly. We were messing around in this guy's new boat, and Cartman egged me on, and, and I crashed it into the Beaverton dam."
Kyle,"Dude, you have to tell everyone. Right now."
Cartman,"Hey Stan.  Oh Goddammit you told Kyle, didn't you?!"
Kyle,"Stan, people in Beaverton are still trapped on their roofs. Nobody's helping them because they think they can't go outside."
Cartman,"Oh, here we go. See? I told you! If you're so caring, Kyle, why don't you share some of your Jew gold with the people caught in the flood?!"
Stan,"Look, maybe, maybe we can help those people in Beaverton ourselves."
Kyle,How?
Cartman,Why?
Stan,"We can sneak out of here, get a boat, and go help them off their roofs. That way, I can do the right thing, but still lie about it."
Randy,"Listen, listen everyone! Nobody can leave this building!"
Mrs. Garrison,"But... we need supplies, food, silicone."
Randy,"You go outside, and you'll die! By now, the global warming has... shifted the climate,  bringing on a new ice age. Within the hour, the temperature outside will fall to over 70 million degrees below zero!"
Stephen,Jesus.
Randy,"All we can do... is try to wait it out, as long as we can."
Gerald,And... the rest of the country?
Randy,"Everyone below this line  will have to be evacuated to the south. Everyone above this line  is already dead. People like us in the middle states have to ride it out.  The balmy southwestern states  might have a chance but, New York  will have tidal waves that envelop all of the northeast.  What, Frank?!  Aw awww, Goddammit!"
Resident 1,"Hello? Anybody? We'd like to be rescued, please. Any day now."
Resident 2,Why haven't they come for us?
Resident 1,I... I don't know.
Resident 3,"Wait, look! Here comes a boat!"
Resident 2,Really? Oh! It's about time!
Wife,"Oh Kevin, we're saved!"
Resident 3,It looks like... three little boys.
Resident 1,"Hey, we'll take it!  Over here, yes! Thank you! Thank you!  Oh, thanks. Thanks. That's a LOT better."
Kyle,We can't get out! The flames are too big!
Cartman,"Oh great! You see, Stan?! This is what you get for listening to Kyle!  ""Oh, you've gotta help those people. It's your responsibility."""
Kyle,"Stan, it's over. You have to admit what you did so our parents could help us!"
Randy,Stan?? Stan!!
Gerald,Randy! We've looked everywhere! Kyle's missing too!
Sharon,Oh my God! Where would they go?!
Stephen,"Randy, Randy! Your son's on the phone!"
Randy,Stan??
Stan,"Uh, hey Dad."
Randy,"Stan, you're alive!"
Stan,"Dad, we're, we're trapped in Beaverton, We're, we were trying to save everyone!"
Randy,"Stan, you must listen to me! You must stay indoors! Do not try to go out! Global warming has brought in a new ice age!"
Stan,"No, Dad, listen: I need to tell you something."
Randy,"What is it, son?"
Stan,"Nothing. Can you just come get us, please?"
Randy,"You just stay put, son! I'm coming for you! Do you hear me?? I'm coming for you!!"
Mr. Mackey,"Randy, wheh-where are you going?"
Randy,I'm going to Beaverton.
Tom,You can't go out there! You'll freeze to death!
Randy,My son is counting on me!
Gerald,I'm going with you.
Randy,You can't go out there! You'll freeze to death!
Gerald,You can't do this alone!
Stephen,Let me go too.
Man 12,You can't go out there. You'll freeze to death.
Randy,"All right, come on, both of you! We've gotta pull together every warm piece of clothing we can find."
Gerald,"Stephen!  Stephen, you have to keep moving!"
Stephen,I can't go on! Feel so... hot.
Randy,Feeling warmth is a symptom of the last stages of hypothermia!
Gerald,Oh Jesus...  I feel warm too!
Randy,"Yeah, me too.  Stephen, we've gotta keep moving! We're in deep hypothermia, all of us! We've gotta keep the blood flowing!"
Gerald,"Maybe we should... strip these jackets off, and warm our bodies next to each other!"
Randy,Don't be a fag!  Come on! We can make it!  We have to try!
General,"Come on, people, we're running out of time! We need all Army helicopters to the Southern states for evacuation NOW!"
Officer,Sir! More people in Beaverton are calling. They say they're trapped in floods and fire now.
General,"Tell them that the government can't help them, but that we're very sorry. You know the plan, people! We can only evacuate citizens below this line!"
Scientist,"E-excuse me, General?"
General,WHAT??
Scientist,"We've just compiled some new information. The er, the flood in Beaverton wasn't caused by global warming after all."
General,What??
Scientist,We know the truth now. We know what caused it!
General,Oh my God. Quick! Radio the helicopters!
Cartman,Help! Help!
Kyle,"Dude, this whole building is going to collapse!"
Stan,We have to find a way out!
General,"Don't worry, everyone. The government is here to save you."
Resident 1,"Oh wow, thank you so much! What a swift and speedy rescue!"
Stan,Come on! We've gotta get to the roof!
Kyle,"Oh Jesus, we have to hurry!"
Stan,It's- it's helicopters! They finally came to help everyone!
Cartman,"Not so fast, Kyle."
Kyle,What are you doing?
Cartman,Hand over the gold!
Kyle,What gold??
Cartman,You know what I'm talkng about!
Kyle,"No, Cartman, I have no idea what you're talking about!"
Cartman,All Jews carry gold in a little bag around their necks! Hand it over!
Stan,"Guys, come on!"
Kyle,Jews do NOT carry gold in a little bag around their necks.Cartman! Stop playing around!
Cartman,"I'm not playing around, Kyle! If we survive this, I don't intend to live in poverty! Give me your Jew gold now!"
Kyle,"Dude, we don't have time for your stupid jokes! We're gonna die!"
Cartman,"Yes, but you can live if you give me your Jew gold! The decision is yours, Kyle!"
Kyle,"Goddamnit, you know I don't carry gold in a little bag around my neck, Cartman! Whattaya want from me?!"
Cartman,I want... your Jew gold!
Kyle,"...Okay, fine! Here!  Now let's go!"
Cartman,"Do you think I'm stupid?! I know that all Jews carry fake bags of gold around their necks to keep the real bags of gold around their necks safe! Hand over the real Jew gold, Kyle!!  No! Noooooo!"
Cartman,"Hey! Wait up, you assholes! God!"
Mr. Mackey,"Hey, look everybody! Helicopters!"
Sharon,"They, they've got the boys!"
Tom,Global warming must be over!
Man 13,We made it!
Sharon,Stanley!
Sheila,Kyle!
Randy,Stan?  We've found Stan! Ugh.
Mr. Mackey,"So does, does this mean the storm is past. Global warming's over?"
General,Global warming didn't cause the Beaverton flood. We know now whose fault it is.  It was...  Crab people!
Crowd,Ohhhh.
Theme,"Crab People, Crab People, Taste like-"
Stan,"Stop it! Stop it!! First it was terrorists, then George Bush and global warming and now you're all blaming crab people for something that's very simple! It's MY fault. I broke the dam."
Cartman,...Aw man.
Sharon,Stanley. You?
Man 14,No. Don't you see what this child is saying? We can't spend all our energy placing blame when something bad happens. He's saying... we all broke the dam. '
Stan,No. I broke the dam.
Woman 1,I broke the dam.
Man 15,I broke the dam.
Man 16,I broke the dam.
Stan,No. I broke the dam.
Woman 2,And I broke the dam.
Man 17,I broke the dam.
Cartman,"Hehe, I broke the dam. Hehe."
Man 18,I broke the dam.
Woman 3,I broke the dam.
Stan,I broke the dam. I ran a boat into the dam and I broke it.
Man 19,I broke the dam.
Man 20,I broke the dam.
Man 21,I broke the dam.
Man 22,I broke the dam.
Stan,No! I broke the fucking dam!
Man 23,I broke the dam.
Man 24,I broke the dam.
Stan,I literally broke the dam!
Man 25,I broke the dam.
Man 26,I broke the dam.
Stan,On a boat! That wasn't mine!
Man 27,I broke the dam.
Man 28,I broke the dam.
Stan,"I kept it secret, for two days!"
Man 29,I broke the dam.
Man 30,I broke the dam.
Stan,"The boat caught on fire, and it exploded!"
Man 31,I broke the dam.
Man 32,I broke the dam.
Stan,"Ohhh, fuck it!"
Kyle,What are all you guys doing here?
Clyde,I don't know. I got this emergency letter from Cartman that said to meet in his basement.
Stan,"Yeah, us too."
Cartman,"Ah, gentlemen, thank you for coming. We don't have a lot of time, so I'll cut to the chase. The girls at our school have been hiding something from us, hiding something huge."
Craig,What?
Cartman,"What if I were to tell you that the girls have a device, which allows them to see... into the future."
Stan,What?
Butters,How do you know?
Kyle,The girls do not have a device that shows them the future Cartman. That's retarded.
Clyde,"YOU, SIR, MOCKED CARTMAN BEFORE, YET YOU TWO SIT HERE DEMANDING ANSWERS!  NOW DAMN YOU, LET HIM SPEAK!"
Cartman,"Thank you, Clyde. Uh, I'm afraid it's true.  I secretly videotaped the girls in the playground yesterday using my Wellington Bear video camera . I caught the following images on tape. I warn you, this images maybe be too shocking for young children."
Butters,Okay. I'm not lookin'.
Cartman,Video playback initialized.
Bebe,"Okay, okay. My turn, do me now!"
Kale,Okay Bebe. What do you want to know?
Bebe,I want to know if I'm gonna live in a big mansion in the future.
Kale,"Okay, let's find out. Ready?  Pick a number."
Bebe,Four.
Kale,"One, two, three, four. Okay, pick a color."
Bebe,Blue.
Kale,B-L-U-E. All right pick another color
Bebe,Red.
Kale,"'Kaaay. Okay, will Bebe live in a big mansion in the future?  Definitely yes!"
Bebe,All right!
Girls,"Woohoo! You rock, Bebe!"
Boys,Whoa! Wow!
Red,Do me next. I wanna know if I'm gonna marry somebody cute.
Heidi,I'll do it! I'll do it!  Pick a number.
Red,Three.
Heidi,"One, two, three. Now, pick a color."
Clyde,Where did they get that thing?
Heidi,G-R-E-E-N.
Red,Now blue!
Heidi,The answer is no.
Red,Aw dangit!
Stan,"Oh my God, how does it know the answer?"
Craig,I... don't believe it.
Cartman,"Believe it. The girls can ask any question they want and it gives the answer. Freeze image!  Gentlemen, we have to get our hands on that device."
Cartman,How is the incubation shield coming Clyde?
Clyde,"It's all set. Once we have the device, it can be housed in here safely until we know what we're dealing with."
Cartman,Good man. Any luck here?
Kyle,The outside of the device seems to be covered in numerals. Inside are colors... which must open up to some sort of temporal time warp.
Cartman,"Good. Keep working. We want to know all we can before we try to operate it.  All right, gentlemen, our containment center for the time warp is nearly complete. All that's left for us to do is get the device from the girls and bring it here."
Craig,Let's go take it!
Cartman,"Don't be a fool, Craig. Do you really think the girls are just gonna hand that technology over?"
Stan,So what do you suggest?
Cartman,"Heidi Turner  is going to have a slumber party on Thursday night. There's no doubt in my mind the girls will be using the future-telling device there. If we... can get somebody invited to that slumber party, not only can we get a hold of the device, but find out how to use it."
Stan,"Yeah, there's just one problem: a boy can't go to a chicks' slumber party."
Cartman,"No, not a boy, but a girl. One of us is gonna have to go undercover, show up in school tomorrow disguised as the new girl who just moved to town."
Kevin,"You mean like that movie, Juwanna Mann?"
Cartman,"No, not like Juwanna Mann, Kevin, okay? It's way cooler than that!"
Stan,"But if one of us pretends to be the new girl in class, the girls will wonder where that boy went."
Cartman,"Which is why we have to fake that boy's death. It's simple spy stuff, my friends. Take your top man, fake his death, then send him in disguised as the enemy."
Kyle,That's a pretty solid idea. But who?
Officer 1,Mr. and Mrs. Stotch?
Stephen,"Yes? What is it, officer?"
Officer 1,You'd better come quick.
Officer 2,Your son is at the Bowery Building threatening to kill himself.
Linda,What?!
Officer 3,Don't do it son! You have too much to live for!
Linda,"Oh my God, Butters!"
Butters,"Oh uh, hi Mom."
Cartman,"Just keep stalling, Butters. We don't have the dead pig quite ready yet."
Stephen,"Butters? Butters, whatever is troubling you, this isn't the answer. Look at all these people who've come out for you! Just come down, son, and... we promise we won't ground you for more than a couple of weeks."
Butters,"N'aw geez! Now I'm gonna get grounded, too."
Cartman,"Okay, it's ready! Step down, Butters."
Linda,"He, h-he's coming down! Oh thank God!"
Officer 1,"No, wait. What... what's he doing?"
Cartman,Okay. One! Two!
Officer 3,JEESUS CHIRST!
Linda,OHHHH MY GOD!!
Doctor,He... didn't make it.
Linda,NOOOOO!! NOOOOO!! My son is DEAD!! NOOOO!!
Cartman,Nice.
Priest Maxi,"And he shall be remembered as the peaceful little boy who warmed his parent's hearts.  Lord, as we commit this child's body to the earth, may we ask it'd be the last child you strike down so mercilessly. We know this request to be futile, Lord, but just though we would ask."
Linda,NOOOO! NOOOO! BUTTERS!  Don't put him down there! Don't put him down there!
Ms. Garrison,"Okay children, let's take our seats. Now I know that we're all still in deep, deep mourning over the tragic death of our classmate, Butters."
Red,Who's Butters?
Ms. Garrison,But we all must try to move on. And so I'd like you to help me welcome a new student who was just moved here from Dallas. Children please say hello to... Marjorine.
Butters,Oh... Thank you.
Cartman,"Dude, I think it's totally working. The girls are totally buying it."
Ms. Garrison,"Why don't you tell the children a little bit about yourself, Marjorine?"
Butters,"Well, I'm just a typical little girl. I like dancin' and ponies. a-and  getting my snootch pounded on Friday night."
Clyde,Nice.
Ms. Garrison,"Now Marjorine, that's not very ladylike. Us Colorado girls love to get pounded in the snootch just like any woman, but we keep it to ourselves."
Butters,Oh...
Bebe,That girl sure has a strange sense of fashion.
Cartman,"Dude, they totally think he's a girl."
Ms. Garrison,"All right, have a seat, Marjorine. I'm sure all the other girls will be happy to show you around the school.  Won't you, girls?"
Red,Where do you buy your clothes?
Butters,"Oh. Uhm, you know. Girl places."
Cartman,"Dude, they've bought it hook line and sinker.  This is going swimmingly."
Mrs. Turner,"Heidi, sweetie, I'm just gonna set the snacks over here."
Heidi,'Kay Mom.
Mrs. Turner,"Oh, and Heidi, there's going to be one extra girl coming to your slumber party."
Heidi,Who?
Mrs. Turner,"The new girl in your class, Marjorine."
Heidi,"Mom, I didn't invite her!"
Mrs. Turner,"I know, sweetie, but I got a call from Marjorine's mother."
Heidi,Her mother?
Mrs. Turner,"She said Marjorine is having a really hard time being in a new school. Her mom asked me personally if we could have Marjorine over, and besides, her mother told me that she works as a state official and that I should  respect her authoratay."
Stephen,"Linda? Linda, please come downstairs."
Linda,Why couldn't we help him? Why is our little boy dead?
Stephen,"Oh butter! Oh Butters, I miss you so much!"
An old farmer,Mr. Stotch. I know what you're thinkin'.
Stephen,Who are you?
An old farmer,"I came to talk you out of it. You need to... just accept that your son is dead, not try to bring him back."
Stephen,Bring him back? W-What are you talking about?
An old farmer,"I know you're thinkin' of puttin'; him up there, the Indian Burial Ground up that road. You're thinking if you bury his body there, he will come back alive. Sometimes, dead is better."
Stephen,Indian... Burial Ground?
An old farmer,"It's been done before, what you're thinkin' of. The Nelson boy, back in '85."
Stephen,"You're saying if I... dig up my son's body and rebury him at the... old Indian Burial Ground, that I-"
An old farmer,"Don't do it Stotch! What comes out of the ground ain't the thing you put in. The Indians knew that. That's why they stopped using it when the ground went sour. I'm just here to talk you out of it.  Don't bury your son's body at the Indian Burial Ground, Stotch! The one that's right up over there, behind Andersons' bar. Sometimes... dead is better."
Stan,"All right, Butters, that's Heidi's house."
Butters,"I can't do it, fellas. I can't go into a girls' slumber party! What if they find out I ain't a girl?"
Clyde,You're gonna be fine.
Cartman,"Now Butters, we don't know exactly what is that girls do at their slumber parties. But if they start, you know, lezzing out, just roll with it."
Butters,Lezzing out? What's lezzing out?
Kyle,"Now look, Butters, when the girls bring out the future-telling device, pay attention to how it works. Once you know how to operate it, just grab it and get the hell out of there."
Butters,Then I can go home and tell my mommy and daddy I'm not really dead?
Stan,"Yeah dude, of course. Now go, the party's already started."
Clyde,"Good luck, man."
Cartman,"Remember Butters, you must get that future-telling device from the girls at all costs! And just roll with it if they start lezzing out."
Mr. Turner,"All right, now we all want you to have a good time. but as Heidi's parents, tonight it is our responsibility to look out for all of you. There's not gonna be any drinking, no pot, and most importantly, if I catch any boys anywhere near this party, they're gonna be in a world of hurt.  All right, have a nice time, girls."
Heidi,"So, what do you guys wanna do first?"
Bebe,"We could play ""girl talk."""
Red,I bought the new Justin Timberlake CD. We should dance to it.
Butters,How about we read each other's future?
Wendy,"I know. Let's do ""Light as a feather, stiff as a board.""  Who wants to do it first?"
Red,I will.
Butters,"Oh geez, are we gonna start lezzing out?"
Wendy,"Light as a feather, stiff as a board."
Girls,"Light as a feather, stiff as a board!"
Kyle,"Jesus, what are they doing in there?"
Cartman,God only knows the horrors that go on in girls' slumber parties. Let's just hope Butters can survive it.
Butters,AAAAAAAH NOO! Witches! You're all witches!
Heidi,"Marjorine, what is your problem?"
Butters,"Huh? Oh nothin'. Hey, you guys wanna tell each other's futures now?"
Red,"Yeah. I can tell your future, Marjorine! You're going to live alone your entire life because you're a nerdy, dorky geek."
Heidi,"Yeah, and your hair is totally stupid."
Bebe,"Yeah, and you're flat!"
Heidi,"Marjorine, why don't you just leave? Nobody want you here!"
Stephen,"Hello son. Don't you worry. Daddy's gonna make everything all right again.  There he is. There's my boy! Come on, Butters!  Oh... Butters... you smell like... bacon  Don't worry. We're gonna bring you back, son. We're gonna bring you back!"
Wendy,I think we went too far with Marjorine.
Bebe,She's in the bathroom crying.
Heidi,Marjorine.
Butters,Nobody likes meee...
Bebe,"Aw gee, she's really upset."
Wendy,"I feel terrible, you guys. It can't be easy being the new girl in school."
Heidi,"Marjorine? Marjorine? Hey, we didn't mean it."
Butters,You don't know how hard it is to be me.
Bebe,"Marjorine, we were just teasing. We think you're great."
Butters,You think I'm ugly-ehehee...
Wendy,"You're not ugly, Marjorine."
Butters,You said I'm ugly and flat.
Heidi,"Marjorine, you just have a different look, that's all. We just... we need to help you bring out your inner beauty."
Wendy,"Yeah. How about we all give you a little makeover, Marjorine?"
Girls,Yeah. Let's go!
Butters,You mean it?
Kyle,"Dude, it's been to long. Something's wrong."
Stan,Maybe they found him out.
Clyde,"Then, he's already dead."
Stan,"Come on, we gotta go check on him."
Kyle,Can you see anything?
Stan,He's just dancing around.
Cartman,That son of a bitch!
Mrs. Turner,"Marjorine, sweetie your mom's on the phone."
Butters,My mom?  Hello?
Cartman,Butters! Just what the fuck do you think you're doing?!
Butters,"Well, I'm just having some fun with my girlfriends."
Cartman,"You aren't there to have fun, you black asshole! You were supposed to be getting the future-telling device."
Butters,"Well, I'm workin' on it."
Cartman,Working on what?! Your dance moves?!
Butters,"Now look! I'm getting pretty sick of this! Well I put myself through a lot, and you can't talk to me like that! Uh... mom."
Cartman,"Just do what you were sent to do, dickface!"
Red,"Hey Marjorine, you wanna know your future?"
Butters,"Ah. Uhh, could I hold that?"
Heidi,"Sure.  Here, you do my future."
Butters,How?
Heidi,"Well uh you know, it's easy. You just put your thumbs and index fingers in here..."
Mr. Turner,Aha! I knew it! Boys in the slumber party!
Heidi,There's a boy here?
Butters,"Stand back! I had a... great time tonight, but I gotta do what I was sent here to do!"
Craig,He got it! He got the device!
Cartman,Tango tango tango! We've got it! Let's get it to the containment center! Go!
Stan,"Come on, Butters."
Butters,"No! That darn device is nothin' but trouble! Ah I'm done, and I'm goin' home to tell my Mom and Dad I'm not dead!"
Heidi,What the hell?
Cartman,"Haahahaha, we have the device now! The power belongs to us!"
Heidi,...Anybody have a piece of notebook paper so I can make another one?
Jason,Go! Go! Get in the containment field!
Linda,"Stephen, you did what??"
Stephen,"I had to, Linda. If there was even the slightest chance it would bring him back! I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing anymore!"
Linda,You dug up our son's body? Performed some kind of pagan ritual?
Stephen,"Linda, I did it for you, you wanted him back so much! So did I!"
Linda,"Not like this!  Not like this. He wouldn't be our son, Stephen. He would be a walking abomination. An unholy demon spawn!"
Butters,Hello?
Stephen,It's him.
Linda,Keep the door locked.
Butters,"Mom? Dad? Uh, it's me, Butters. I'm back."
Linda,Oh God...  No!
Stephen,"It's gone, dear. It's gone. Forgive me."
Butters,"Hey Mom and Dad, I'm not-"
Stephen,"Oh God, it's terrible. What have I done?!"
Butters,"Uh, I guess you're probably a little surprised to see me."
Linda,It isn't right! Make it go away!
Cartman,"Gentlemen, this is a historic day for all of the boy, and mankind. In a few moments, we will know the future."
Stan,Ho-Hold on on guys. We're not sure what this device is capable of. Maybe we should wait until we've had more time to study it.
Cartman,"No, No! We don't have time for that, Stan. It's time to ask questions."
Clyde,How come you get to use it first?
Cartman,"Because I do, Clyde."
Craig,I wanna use it.
Cartman,I'm askin' the first question! Let's just start with something simple. Will Kyle die before he's twenty?
Kyle,Wait! I don't wanna know that!
Clyde,Ask if the Broncos are gonna win on Sunday.
Jason,"Nah dude, then it won't be fun tow watch."
Cartman,Will you all shut up so I can do this!?
Craig,"You shut up, asshole."
Kyle,"I don't wanna know when I'm going to die, fatass!"
Stan,"Guys, guys, guys, stop!  Look at what this thing is doing to us. Butters was trying to tell me something outside the house. That this device is nothing but trouble. I think I know what he meant now."
Jason,How could be nothing but trouble?
Stan,We risked everything to get it from the girls. How long before the girls attack us to get it back?
Clyde,"Yeah. Forget about the girls. What about if the CIA or, or the Russians know we have this? They'll come after us for sure."
Craig,Maybe we should take it so someplace safer.
Stan,And then what? Hide it forever from the government? From the... terrorists who want to use it for evil? Maybe... maybe nobody is meant to have this kind of power.
Bradley,You mean destroy it?
Cartman,Are you guys nuts?! After everything we've gone through!?
Stan,"We got it away from the girls. That's what matters. But now the right thing to do isn't using it ourselves, then we're no better than they are."
Cartman,Think of the power!
Kyle,It's too much power. For anybody. Stan's right. It has to be destroyed.
Cartman,Are we sure about this? We'll never know the future.
Stan,"Nobody will. That's the way it's suppose to be. Hit it, Kenny."
Cartman,"Damn, Ken."
Stephen,"Here. Here, you see? It's going to be all right. Hello... son."
Butters,Hi Dad.
Linda,He was supposed to stay dead!
Butters,"Mom, Dad, can I come upstairs now?"
Stephen,"Sorry, son, but... you're a demon spawn now. You're an abomination."
Butters,"Can I have something to eat? Well, I'm pretty hungry."
Linda,It's... hungry.
Stephen,"Yes, it must feed."
Rachel,"Hello, I'm Rachel with Quality Curtains."
Stephen,"Oh yes, thank you for coming."
Rachel,Which room are we looking at?
Stephen,Just follow me to the basement.
Linda,Yes. The basement.
Rachel,"Oh my, it's pretty dark down here. You sure you need curtains?  Oh my God!"
Butters,"Uh hello, I'm Butters."
Rachel,"Little boy, what are you doing here?"
Butters,Huh?
Stephen,"Here you go, son. Eat!"
Linda,What are we becoming?!
Stephen,Come on. Don't watch it eat.
Butters,Can I just have some Spaghetti-O's?
Mrs. Garrison,"Okay, children, this week we are all going to learn about parenting.  I'm going to pair all the boys and girls in class into couples, and give each couple...  an egg. You must care for and look after this egg just like a baby for one full week. If you break your egg, it means you have a dead baby, and if you kill your baby, you get an F. When I announce your names, please move and sit with the person you're paired with.  Heidi, you'll be with Eric."
Heidi,Awww!
Mrs. Garrison,"Annie, you'll be a family with Timmy."
Timmy,Timmiih!
Mrs. Garrison,"Millie, your husband is Craig. Powder, you and Kenny are a loving couple now."
Stan,"Oh no, dude, he's gonna put me with Wendy."
Kenny,(So?)
Mrs. Garrison,"Aaand let's see who else we have here, uh..."
Stan,"So, I haven't even spoken to Wendy since we broke up."
Mrs. Garrison,"And, Wendy? Wendy will be with Kyle."
Stan,Kyle??
Mrs. Garrison,"Bebe, you're paired up with Stan. Lola and Token, Red and Craig, and Esther and Bradley.  Now, I'm going to sign each of your eggs myself, so that we'll know it's the same one at the end of the week. That way if anybody cheats and tries to replace their eggs, we'll know, Eric.  All you have to do is make it to Friday with your egg unharmed to prove what great little parents you are.  Okay children, you can now take the rest of the school period to decorate your egg however you wish. Good luck, and remember, a dead baby means an F for the parents. Just look at all these little familiesNewfound couples in a happy home.It takes me back to another timeWhen I had a love of my own. Love, love lost long ago, it was special then, it's over now.Love, so darn frail, you know? It shriveled and died. I don't know how.Love, love lost long ago, it was special then, it's over now.Guess that I'll never know how it all went wrong. How how how? Well perhaps I should try and boldly go and rekindle that love lost long ago.Hello, Mr. Slave."
Mr. Slave,"Mr. Garrison! Ohoh, Jezuth!"
Mrs. Garrison,Just let me say what I came here to say. I know we had a falling out and... things were said that... shouldn't have been said. I want to apologize for calling you a faggot.
Mr. Slave,"That's, that's wonderful, Mr. Garrison!"
Mrs. Garrison,"Well, wait, wait, it gets better. I've forgiven you for walking out on me after I had my sex change, and uh...  And I'm ready to take you back, Mr. Slave!"
Mr. Slave,Ooooo...
Mrs. Garrison,"Well, give us a kiss!"
Big Gay Al,"Say, honey, is that the pizza?"
Mrs. Garrison,What the hell is he doing here?!
Mr. Slave,"Mr. Garrison, Al and I have been living together for a few months."
Mrs. Garrison,"Well, that didn't take you long, did it?!"
Big Gay Al,"Slave, should I leave you two alone?"
Mrs. Garrison,Yes!
Mr. Slave,"No!  Mr. Garrison, there's something you should know. Al and I are getting married."
Mrs. Garrison,Married?!
Big Gay Al,Yes.
Mrs. Garrison,You can't get married! You're faggots!
Mr. Slave,"Oh, Jesus Christ."
Mrs. Garrison,"Mr. Slave, I am legally a woman now! If you wanna get married, you have to marry ME!"
Big Gay Al,Oh that's not true! Colorado is about to pass a bill which allows same-sex marriage.
Mr. Slave,We're getting married right after the bill passes on Saturday.
Mrs. Garrison,"Oh, that's just great! They're gonna let queers and homos get married, huh?!"
Mr. Slave,"Okay, that's enough. Out, Mr. Garrison."
Mrs. Garrison,"We'll just see about this, you fudge-packin' fags!! I'll stop that gay-marriage law!"
Mr. Slave,"Oh my God, you're just saying that because you're jealous."
Mrs. Garrison,Jealous of what?! I'm doin' this out of principle! To protect the sanctity of marriage!  Fags are gettin' married over MY DEAD BODY!!
Kyle,Hello? Oh hey dude.
Stan,"So, what are you and Wendy doing?"
Kyle,"Oh, we're just makin' a cradle out of an egg carton for our egg. We figure that way it'll be easier to keep safe so we can get an A."
Stan,Uh huh...
Kyle,I don't think it's gonna be that hard to keep it from breaking. This whole assignment is stupid.
Stan,"Yeah, well, so is your hat."
Bebe,"Stan, I need you to watch the egg for a while."
Stan,I can't. I'm busy.
Bebe,I've been looking after it all day. I have to go to the hair salon and the candy store!
Stan,...So take it with you!
Bebe,"Stan, this is our egg. We're both supposed to take care of it."
Stan,"Well maybe I didn't want to have an egg with you, okay Bebe?!"
Bebe,Well whether you wanted to or not doesn't really matter now! We're going to get graded together! It's your egg too! Own up to your responsibilities!
Mrs. Garrison,These homosexuals think they can just step all over our traditions! Well I say: Marriage is a holy sacrament between a man and a woman!
Woman,Who is that lady?
Man,"I don't know, but she is pissed."
Mrs. Garrison,"They passed this law behind our back! We need to tell the governor and the world that gay marriage is not okay! That homosexuals cannot muddy our traditions! And there is only one way for us, all together, to make that message very clear! We need to round up three or four queers and beat the livin' hell out of them!  Come on, everybody! Let's get some queers, and some trucks, and have us a good old-fashioned fag drag!"
Man 2,"Well uh, we were thinkin' we would, you know, just go appeal to the Governor."
Mrs. Garrison,"Appeal to the Governor? Oh,come on! Where's your balls?! Fag drag!"
Man 3,"We don't ""hate"" homosexuals, we, we we just don't want them to be able to marry."
Man 4,"Yeah, we were just thinkin' o' goin' and askin' the Governor to veto the bill."
Man 5,Yeah.
Mrs. Garrison,"Eh fah, fag drag?"
Mrs. Garrison,"Governor, we have collected over one thousand signatures requesting that you veto this gay-marriage bill!"
Governor,"Oh jeez, I knew this would happen. First the gay people come in here wanting equal rights, then this bill gets passed and now all the people against it want me to veto it. &gt; Why do I have to make this decision?? /&gt;"
Mrs. Garrison,Because you're the governor?
Governor,"I just wanted a big house and lots of respect. I didn't want this kind of responsibility.  I mean, I don't know anything about gay marriage. What argument can I use to deny them their right to a family?"
Mrs. Garrison,"Well, think of the children! If you allow gays to get married, then you're also givin' them full rights as parents to adopt. You think kids can be raised by queers??"
Governor,I can't use that argument. There's never been a study done which proves that either way.
Mrs. Garrison,"But, if you had such a study, a scientific study which proved same-sex couples are incapable of raising a child..."
Governor,Then I would have something to fall back on. So-something to take all the pressure off of me.
Mrs. Garrison,"Mr. Governor, I will get you that study."
Bebe,"Hey Wendy, how's your egg doing?"
Wendy,Oh great. It's a pretty easy project. Kyle's really good with the egg.
Bebe,"Yeah.  I wish I had a partner like Kyle! I went to go pick up the egg from Stan yesterday, and his dog had it in its mouth! Our egg isn't gonna last a week with Stan around!"
Mrs. Garrison,"Okay, students, change of plan!  You've all been doing a great job taking care of your eggs, but now we're going to mix it up a little. Wendy and Kyle will no longer be together."
Stan,HA!
Mrs. Garrison,"Let's see what happens when we put two same-sex couples together to take care of an egg, shall we?! Kyle, you are now with Stan! And Wendy is with Bebe!"
Kyle,Why?
Mrs. Garrison,"Come on, Bebe. We'll take your egg for you and Wendy to look after."
Bebe,"Oh, goodie."
Mrs. Garrison,And we'll just take this egg for Stan and Kyle to look out for.
Wendy,"No. No, that's my egg."
Mrs. Garrison,"Wendy, we're doing an experiment.  Here you go, boys."
Wendy,"But I made that egg. Mr. Garrison, please. Youyou can't give my egg to Stan, he'll break it."
Mrs. Garrison,"Hoh now, what makes you say that, Wendy? I'm sure two boys can handle an egg just fine...  And if not, we'll certainly prove a point to that goddamned Governor, won't we?"
Kyle,Who?
Mrs. Garrison,"Never mind, just carry on, children. Just carry on as two reckless little boys will."
Kyle,"Okay, there. Now we can carry this egg around in this case without it getting cracked."
Stan,"Alright, give it to me. I'll take it home tonight."
Kyle,"Look, Stan, you want me to just take care of this egg?"
Stan,Why do you say that?
Kyle,"It's just that... I really need this A, Stan. And Bebe did say you almost broke your last egg."
Stan,That's because I was pissed off!
Kyle,At who?  Heh- hang on.
Wendy,I wanna see my egg.
Kyle,Huh?
Wendy,I want to see my egg.
Kyle,"Wendy, it isn't your egg anymore!"
Wendy,"Yes it is. I made it, I decorated it."
Kyle,"Well, you might have made it, but we're the ones who are taking care of it now. You have your own egg to look out for!"
Wendy,...I just wanna hold my egg for a couple of minutes.
Kyle,"Wendy, I just wanna get an A, okay? Let's not make this any more confusing than it already is. &lt;&gt;"
Wendy,"Don't let anything happen to it, please."
Kyle,"Wendy, nothing's gonna happen to the egg. You can have it when the week is over and I have my grade.  Freakin' weirdos, man."
Stan,"You think you're so great, don't you?! Well guess what?! Maybe I don't need your help! I'm taking the egg home tonight, and I'm gonna show everybody tomorrow that I'm every bit as good an egg-take-care-over as you!"
Kyle,What the hell is wrong with everybody?
Mrs. Garrison,"Okay, children, it's Wednesday! Time for an official egg check! Heidi and Eric?"
Heidi,Our egg is fine.
Mrs. Garrison,"Okay, Annie and Timmy?"
Timmy,TimmiIH!
Mrs. Garrison,"Good. Millie and Clyde, I saw yours before class.  Powder and Kenny?"
Kenny,(Our egg is okay.)
Mrs. Garrison,Now how about our gay couples? Stan and Kyle?
Stan,Fine!
Mrs. Garrison,What?
Stan,No problems at all!
Mrs. Garrison,That's impossible!  Are you sure you didn't break it and switch eggs on me?! Where's my signature?!
Stan,"It's right there, see?"
Mrs. Garrison,Two boys can't possibly take care of an egg!
Kyle,"Dude, it's totally fine."
Mrs. Garrison,"It isn't fine! It has two daddies! You call that fine?! It may be fine on the outside, but inside it's confused and embarrassed! Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies!  Two daddies! Two daddies! Come on, class, let's rip on the freak egg! Two daddies! Two daddies!"
Field Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing outside the Governor's office, where in just two days, the Governor can either sign or veto the new bill allowing gay marriage. Same-sex couples from all over the state have shown up in support,  while dissenters have also converged. The governor is about to give a statement."
Governor,"I believe that I might have come up with a compromise to this whole problem that will make everyone happy! People in the gay community want the same rights as married couples, but dissenters don't want the word ""marriage"" corrupted. So how about we let gay people get married, but call it something else?  You homosexuals will have all exactly the same rights as married couples, but instead of referring to you as ""married,"" you can be... butt buddies.  Instead of being ""man and wife,"" you'll be... butt buddies. You won't be ""betrothed,"" you'll be... butt buddies. Get it? Instead of a ""bride and groom,"" you'd be... butt buddies."
Mr. Slave,We wanna be treated equally!
Governor,"Y-you are equal. It's just that instead of getting ""engaged,"" you would be... butt buuuddies. And everyone is happy!"
Woman,Well what about lesbians?!
Governor,"Well like anyone cares about fuckin' dykes.  Oh, God, I was sure that would work."
Mrs. Garrison,"Damnit, damnit! Stan and Kyle's egg is still doin' fine! Those little assholes are screwin' up my entire plan!  Yes, what?!  What the hell is this?!"
Cartman,I broke the egg.
Mrs. Garrison,You broke your egg?? Uh but you're partnered with a girl.
Cartman,"I tried to cover it up, tried to put it back together with modeling glue, tried to seal it with a soldering gun, but, I give up. I can't hide it, I broke the egg."
Mrs. Garrison,Did you tell anyone else about this?
Cartman,...No.
Mrs. Garrison,"Did you tell your egg partner, Heidi?"
Cartman,"No. That's why I'm here. I think you should still give Heidi an A on the project. You see, I broke the egg, not her. And so, I should get an F, and she should get an A, which means that together the grade should average out to C minus for both of us."
Mrs. Garrison,"I can't do that, Eric!"
Cartman,Damnit! I knew you'd say that! You always have it out for me!
Mrs. Garrison,"You have to get an A, Eric. Here: I'll sign this new egg for you. We'll pretend this never happened, all right?  Just... put on the old hair, color in the same eyes... There we go, good as new.  Go enjoy the rest of your recess."
Cartman,"Mr. Garrison..., you've never been this cool to me before."
Mrs. Garrison,"...Okay, well, you're welcome, Eric. Now, just run along."
Cartman,...Why are you doing this?
Mrs. Garrison,"Because I'm a nice teacher, all right?"
Cartman,What do you want from me?
Mrs. Garrison,Nothing! It's all okay! Just take your damn egg!
Cartman,...No.
Mrs. Garrison,"Eric, you've never been anything but a problem for me! You're taking that egg! And if you break it again, I'll break both your legs, and burn down your house! Do you hear me?!"
Cartman,Yes teacher.
Mrs. Garrison,"Get out of my face!  Urrgh, this scientific study isn't turning out the way I planned! Looks like I'm gonna have to... intervene."
Mrs. Garrison,Are you Jakartha?
Jakartha,Who the hell are you?!
Mrs. Garrison,Mrs. Garrison. I spoke to your associates on the telephone.
Jakartha,"Ahh yes, you are interested in my services."
Mrs. Garrison,I have a little... problem I need taken care of. I heard you're the best.
Jakartha,Who do you want me to kill?  What is this?
Mrs. Garrison,It's an egg.
Jakartha,You want me to kill an egg?
Mrs. Garrison,"I can pay two thousand now, three more when the job is finished."
Jakartha,What do you expect me to do with it?
Mrs. Garrison,"I don't care. Scramble it, fry it, do what you will! It has to look like an accident."
Jakartha,I am a serious assassin! Get out of my face!
Mrs. Garrison,What's the matter? You... afraid you can't do it? Can't say that I blame ya. That egg has caused me nothin' but problems since day one!  I guess... you're not as good as they say you are...
Jakartha,I am the greatest killer the world has ever seen!!
Mrs. Garrison,Then why are you scared of one little egg?!
Jakartha,I will murder that egg! Then I will make it curse the day it was laid!
Mrs. Garrison,That's more like it!
Stan,Day five. I made it!  Hello?
Kyle,"Dude, did you hear what's happening?"
Stan,What?
Kyle,Garrison is taking us all on a field trip today. He wants to do the final egg check in front of the Governor's office!
Stan,Governor's office?
Kyle,"She's really taking this grade seriously, Stan. I'm gonna come over so that we can take our egg to school together, all right?"
Stan,"Aah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?! I took care of this egg, Kyle, not you!"
Kyle,"Okay, Stan, you've been an asshole to me all week! What is up?!"
Stan,"What's up?! Oh, nothing except that you've been trying to impress Wendy all week long like a pathetic dickhole!"
Kyle,Impress Wendy??
Stan,You've set it all up to look like you're this awesome prince and I'm just a loser!
Kyle,What the hell are you talking about?!
Stan,"Well guess what?! I'm gonna take this egg to class myself! And I'm gonna hold it up in front of Wendy, and say ""See?! I'm every bit as good as Kyle is."""
Jakartha,Almost too easy.
Stan,AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Kyle,Stan?
Stan,AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Kyle,"Stan? Stan, I think we should talk."
Stan,"Dude, you should just go be with Wendy and be happy."
Kyle,"Stan, I don't like Wendy.  All I cared about was getting an A in this stupid project!"
Stan,"Yeah well, I blew it. Now we're gonna fail and Wendy thinks I'm a total loser."
Kyle,I thought you didn't care about Wendy anymore.
Stan,I don't. She's totally lame.
Kyle,"Stan, there was never anything between Wendy and I.  I wouldn't go out with my best friend's ex-girlfriend."
Stan,"I'm sorry I didn't trust you, Kyle. I'm obviously just a crappy best friend to have."
Kyle,"Yyeah well, I-I'm sorry I didn't trust you either."
Stan,Huh?
Kyle,"It was really important for me to get an A, Stan. And Bebe said you were so reckless with your egg, so I made a fake one for you  and kept the original safe with me."
Stan,That...  That's the real egg with Garrison's signature?
Kyle,Yeah dude. I'm sorry.
Stan,Then... then Wendy won't think I'm a total loser!
Kyle,Yeah. And I can still get my A!
Stan,"Come on, buddy, let's go!"
Kyle,Stan...  Do you really think my hat is stupid?
Stan,"As a matter of fact,... I think it is the nicest hat I've ever known.  Come on!"
Governor,"Today is a very big day in which I'm supposed to make a very big decision. As some of you know, my biggest issue with gay marriage regards child-rearing. And a new study has just been concluded which will give me the ability to take no personal responsibility in this decision."
Big Gay Al,A new study?
Governor,Here with the results of that study is the lovely Mrs. Garrison.
Mrs. Garrison,"Thank you, Governor."
Mr. Slave,"Oh, Jesus Christ."
Mrs. Garrison,"Ladies and Gentlemen, with the help of some adorable fourth-grade students, we've completed our scientific, non-biased study of fags having kids. Come on up, children.  The parents were grouped together as male and female. As you can see..."
Aide,"Uh, Mrs. Garrison. You have an emergency phone call."
Mrs. Garrison,"Yes, what is it?! I'm a little busy!"
Kyle,"Mr. Garrison, it's Kyle! Our egg is okay! We'll be there in a couple of minutes!"
Mrs. Garrison,What?? Y-your... you're too late!
Kyle,Don't fail us! We'll be right there!
Mrs. Garrison,No you can'- Hello? Hello!!  You told me you killed that freak egg!!
Jakartha,I was sure I did!
Mrs. Garrison,"Well it's here! You'd better make damn sure it doesn't reach these steps uncracked!  Haha, anyhow, as I was saying, we put one egg into the hands of two male students."
Kyle,Thanks dude!
Stan,There! Over there!  Excuse us! Excuse us please!
Jakartha,Yeeeeaah!
Stan,Jesus Christ!
Kyle,Keep running!
Mrs. Garrison,The the egg that the two boys were given just-
Kyle,Hang on! Wait!
Mrs. Garrison,"In conclusion, Governor, you can rest assured that-!"
Stan,"Teacher, our egg is... okay."
Governor,This egg is fine.  Gays can get married!
Mrs. Garrison,Noo! Noooo!!
Kyle,Gays can get married? What??
Fr. Maxi,I now pronounce you man... and man.
Randy,"Boys, I'm really proud of you. You've done an amazing thing for marriage rights."
Kyle,What did we do?
Wendy,"Stan, I'm sorry I doubted you. You really made a great dad."
Stan,"Like I give a crap about what you think, Wendy."
Mrs. Garrison,"Love, love lost long ago, it was special then, it's over now.Guess that I'll never know how it all went wrong. How how how?Well perhaps I should try and boldly go and rekindle that love lost long ago."
Token,"Pluto is also the furthest planet from the sun, though scientists believe more planets lie beyond it. I hope you enjoyed my report on the Solar System. Thank you."
Mrs. Garrison,"Okay, very nice, Token. Thank you. 'K kids, looks like we only have time for one more speech today, so let's have ah Eric."
Cartman,"Thank you, Mrs. Garrison.  My speech is entitled ""Ginger Kids: Children with red hair, light skin, and freckles.""  We've all seen them - on the playground, at the store, walking on the streets - they creep us out and make us feel sick to our stomachs. I'm talking of course about... ginger kids.  Aww sick! Gross! Ginger kids are born with a disease which causes very light skin, red hair, and freckles.  Aw, nasty! Yuck!  This disease is called Gingervitus, and it occurs because ginger kids have no souls."
Kyle,What?!
Cartman,"Kids who have gingervitus cannot be cured.  Ah sick!  Gross!  Yeck!  Because their skin is so light, ginger kids must avoid the sun. Not unlike...  vampires."
Class,Aaaah.
Kyle,"That's not true, fatass! I have red hair, and I don't have to avoid the sun!"
Cartman,"I was getting to that, if you will let me.  Some people have red hair, but not light skin and freckles. These people are called ""daywalkers."""
Butters,Ho! Daywalkers!
Kyle,This is all a bunch of crap!
Cartman,"Mrs. Garrison, I'm really havin' a difficult time with all these interruptions..."
Mrs. Garrison,"Kyle, let Eric give his presentation."
Kyle,"It's not a presentation, it's a hate speech! People aren't creeped out by gingers!"
Clyde,I am.
Mrs. Garrison,"Kyle, if you wanna debate Eric, you can do so with your paper tomorrow!"
Kyle,"Fine, I will!"
Cartman,"Fine! In the meantime, shut your Goddamned daywalker mouth!  Let's see, where was I? Oh yes! Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse,  and unless we work to rid the earth of that curse, the gingers could envelop our lives in blackness for all time. It is time that we all admit to ourselves that gingers are vile and disgusting. In conclusion, I will leave you with this: if you think that the ginger problem is not a serious one,  think again."
Kyle,Stupid supremacist asswipe!
Stan,"Dude, what's the big deal?"
Kyle,"What's the big deal? Don't you understand what ignorant prejudice like that can lead to? I have to disprove Cartman's hateful rumors! Do you know any red-haired, freckled kids?"
Stan,What about the Foley family? I think they're all ginger.
Three kids,Hello?
Kyle,Hey. Wuh I'm giving a speech tomorrow about people with red hair and freckles. Can I ask you a few questions?
Girl,Sure. Come on in.
Boy,"Mom, Dad, these boys wanna know about us."
Father,"What? Heh, hello there, kids."
Kyle,"We... came to learn the facts about people with red hair, light skin and freckles."
Father,"Oho, gingers, yes. Our cute little red-haired rascals."
Stan,"I'm sorry, but I don't understand. You both have dark hair and brown eyes."
Father,"Yes, we've learned that the ginger gene is recessive in both our families' DNA. Actually, the odds of us having a red-haired freckled child were only one in four. And still it happened. Three times. What are the odds?"
Mother,"A lot of people carry the ginger gene and don't know.  If your spouse is also a carrier, then your children can turn out like... them."
Father,Each one of them's a blessing.
Mother,"Oh yes, each one of them's a blessing."
Father,Huh Blesse-blessing full of love.
Three kids,"Thanks, Mom and Dad."
Kyle,But it's... it's not true they... have no souls.
Father,"No... no, I'm sure they do.  Well it was nice meeting you boys. We've gotta get dinner started."
Kyle,I just had a couple more questions about-
Father,"Look, boys, if you really don't wanna have ginger kids, marry an Asian woman. Asians don't carry the recessive gene.  I know a guy who's marrying a Japanese woman very soon for just that reason."
Kyle,"And so, red hair, light skin, and freckles are all passed down genetically. A child's red hair is not determined by the lack of a soul,  but by the melanins which control the pigment in all of our skins. Thank you."
Mrs. Garrison,"Okay, very nice, Kyle. A little dry and science-y for my taste, but there you go.  All right, that's lunch, kids. We'll pick up with Clyde's speech about lesbian cheerleaders after recess."
Butters,"That was a very informative speech, Kyle."
Kyle,Thanks Butters
Cartman,"Informative if you want to die.  Gusy, don't forget. Kyle is a daywalker. Daywalkers are half-gingers themselves. Make no mistake: ginger kids are evil. You know who was ginger? Judas. And what did Judas do? Oh, he just got Jesus killed, that's all.  Look, I'm just saying what everyone else already thinks: Gingers are creepy. And one night, when you're all sleepin' in your room, the gingers are gonna getcha. They're gonna GETCHA!"
Stan,You buying school lunch today?
Kyle,"Nah, my mom packed me a kosher lunch."
Clyde,Right this way!  You can't eat in the cafeteria!
Boy,How come?
Token,Ginger kids eat in the hallway!
Jimmy,"Yeah. Go on, beat it, re... rr-retard!"
Kyle,There! You see?! This is what happens when Cartman is allowed his right to free speech!
Stan,"That's just wrong, dude. I wish Cartman could see what it felt like to be ginger."
Kyle,Hey.  That's a great idea!
Kenny,(What's a great idea?)
Kyle,Can you guys meet me over at Cartman's house tonight at around midnight?
Stan,"Sure, for what?"
Kyle,We're gonna teach that fat bastard a lesson!
Stan,"Okay dude, knock him out.  Dude, dude okay, he's out!  Kyle, that's good!  All right, let's do it."
Liane,"Eric honey, time to get up for school."
Cartman,"-ed a fine time to leave me, Lucille Four hungry children and a-"
Liane,"Poopsiekins!  Sweetie, what is the-  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Cartman,I'M GINGER!
Liane,Oh my God! Eric!
Cartman,Help me! Hellp mee!
Doctor,"Well, all his vital signs are still normal. From his outward appearance, I would say he has the standard skin pigment deficiency."
Liane,You mean...
Doctor,"Yes, I'm afraid that your son is suffering from gingervitus."
Cartman,And how could I become a ginger now?! I wasn't born like this!
Doctor,"Well, the red-haired and freckle gene is a recessive gene. It must've stayed dormant in your system until you hit adolescence."
Cartman,So I'm gonna stay like this forever?
Doctor,"I'm sorry, son.  Ms. Cartman, could I have a word with you?  Ms. Cartman, I know this must be... very difficult for you. I for one can't stand red-haired, freckled kids, but you need to understand, there is no cure. Your son will be ginger his whole life. You might want to just... put him down."
Liane,Oh...
Cartman,"Agh, excuse me, Doctor, but it just so happens my mom loves me, no matter what I look like!  Right, Mom?!  Mom?!"
Liane,"Oh ye-yes, of course,sweetie."
Doctor,"All right, but... you're gonna have to take certain precautions now. It's very important that you keep Eric out of the sun. The sun... is his worst enemy."
Cartman,"Hey dudes, what's goin' on?  How is everything with you guys?"
Kyle,"Wow, Cartman. You look... different."
Cartman,"Yes, well, it's interesting you should point that out, Kyle. I went to the doctor yesterday, and apparently I suffer from a small skin pigment deficiency."
Stan,"You mean,you're a ginger?"
Cartman,"Actually, gingervitus is the medical term."
Kyle,Is that an umbrella you're using?
Cartman,"Yes, Kyle.  The sun's rays are bad for my skin, so I need to be protected when I'm outside. Well, I'm glad we've gotten all that out of the way, and now we can just go on with our lives as normal."
Kyle,"...Wow, that's a little ironic, isn't it?"
Cartman,"What do you mean, Kyle?"
Kyle,"Well, I mean, all last week you were ripping on ginger kids and now you are one."
Cartman,"Hm. I don't really see the irony in that, Kyle."
Cartman,"That's fine, just get it out of the way..."
Kyle,"Dude, this is going awesome."
Stan,Maybe he'll actually learn a lesson this time.
Cartman,"Hey Clyde, Token. Sup, Jim?"
Token,What are you doing?
Cartman,I'm grubbin'. What's it look like?
Clyde,You're not supposed to be in the cafeteria.
Cartman,Huh?
Craig,You know the rule. No ginger kids in the cafeteria.
Cartman,But... it's me.
Clyde,Right. And you're a ginger.
Kyle,"Dude, check it out."
Cartman,"Guys! Okay, look, maybe I'm ginger, but... I'm not like other ginger kids. I'm still me inside."
Clyde,"Sorry. If we let one ginger kid in here, then the others are gonna start coming."
Jimmy,"Yeah, beat it, j... jackass."
Kyle,"We did it guys. We finally taught Cartman a lesson. I'll bet that now, Cartman is gonna have a long hard think about how he treated gingers."
Cartman,"I want to thank everyone for showing up today. I've called this meeting because, I don't know about you, but for one am sick and tired of being discriminated against! Just because we have red hair, light skin and freckles, we're thought of as somehow less important, and it's bullcrap!"
Boy,Yeah!
Cartman,"Kids at school laugh at us, doctors call us ""genetically inferior."" The world needs to know that we are people, with feelings! And our parents love us for who we are!"
Older Boy,My dad says that each one of my freckles is a kiss from an angel.
Cartman,"...Riiight, exactly! We can't let this go on any longer! We should be PROUD of who we are! Think about all the great people in history who were ginger. People like...  Like uh...  Liiike..."
Girl,Ron Howard?
Cartman,Right! Ron Howard! And uh... Aaaaand...
Older Boy,Ron Howard?
Cartman,"Right! We already had him, but right! See? Ginger people go on to do amazing things in society! We need to let everyone in this school know that we are not inferior! That we are in fact beautiful, totally awesome, and super-smart. It's time for us to take back our pride!"
Kids,Yeah!
Cartman,Red Power!
Gingers,Red Power!
Cartman,Red Power!
Gingers,Red Power!
Cartman,Red Power!
Gingers,Red Power!
Cartman,Red Power!
Gingers,Red Power!
Cartman,"We gingers are proud people! We are the noble descendants of great Americans like Ron Howard, and ...others! We will not be discriminated against any longer, for we are a great race!"
Gingers,Yeah!
Cartman,Red Power!
Gingers,Red Power!
Cartman,Red Power!
Gingers,Red Power!
Kyle,I don't believe it.
Cartman,Red Power!
Stan,Should we tell him the truth?
Gingers,Red Power!
Kyle,"Nah, let him make a complete ass out of himself for a little while longer."
Cartman,Red Power!
Gingers,Red Power!
Cartman,Better red than dead!
Gingers,Better red than dead!
Cartman,Better red than dead!
Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing outside the Denver Center For The Performing Arts, where the new production of ""Annie"" has just premiered to cries of outrage.  A rapidly-growing organization called The Ginger Separatist Movement is furious that the lead role of Annie  is being played by a girl  who isn't actually red-haired and freckled. Joining me now is the gingers' head spokesperson, Eric Cartman."
Cartman,That's right! This is bullcrap! We True Gingers are furious that the role of Annie is being minimalized!
Reporter,What harm do you believe this actress is doing to the true red-haired community?
Cartman,The bitch isn't ginger! She's just using makeup to look ginger! And pretending to be ginger with makeup is the worst thing anybody can do!
Gingers,Yeah! That's right!
Cartman,"There she is! Get her!  Die, you stupid bitch!"
Reporter,"This is getting pretty ugly, Tom. These gingers are really riled up! If you are a ginger and would like to join The Ginger Separatist Movement, you can attend their first meeting this Friday in the Sunset Room at the Airport Hilton."
Older Boy,"Okay, welcome, everyone. It's so great to see such a wonderful turnout at the first All-Ginger Pride Conference!  Now it is my honor to introduce the man who has brought self-respect to gingers, Eric Cartman!"
Cartman,"Thanks Jody! Gingers, how are we feelin'?  Can I get a Red Power?"
Gingers,Red Power!
Cartman,"Oh yeah! That feels good, doesn't it? Feels good to be proud of who you are! Now I don't think I need to tell you there's a lot of hate out there. Hate for awesome people like us. And if there's one thing I've learned, is that the only way to fight hate, is with more hate! We are not the freaks of society, everyone else is!"
Gingers,Yeah!!
Cartman,"Gingers are the chosen people! The chosen race! And we must view the rest of the world as the lowlife, dark-skinned rats that they are!"
Gary Nelson,Hello there! Gary Nelson with Hilton Guest Relations. Just making sure you guys have everything you need.
Cartman,"We're fine, thanks."
Gary Nelson,Need any buffet items restocked? Everyone okay on coffee?
Cartman,We're fine!
Gary Nelson,"Great. Oh, and hey guys, just wanted to say thanks for choosing the Airport Hilton for your conference."
Cartman,"You're welcome!! Now leave us alone!!  My fellow gingers! I envision a world in which there IS no hate! A world where everyone is ginger! And so, we must gather together every child who is NOT ginger, and exterminate them!"
Ginger 1,Huh
Ginger 2,What
Ginger 3,Ex-terminate?
Cartman,Now go! Go out into the night and take non-ginger kids from their homes! We will eradicate them all with cages and tortures and a pit of lava to thrown them all in! Now I am not gonna live my life as a Goddamned minority! Are you with me?!
Gingers,Wirha! atta!
Kyle,"Dude, we're gonna go sneak into Cartman's and change him back into a non-ginger!"
Stan,Huh? Why?
Kyle,"Because now he's acting like gingers are awesome. And all his friends are gingers. When he wakes up tomorrow and realizes he isn't really ginger, it'll be hysterical!"
Kenny,"(Hehe, yeah. Hehe)"
Kyle,Are you in?
Stan,... totally.
Stan,"You know, Cartman is an uncaring, bigoted intolerant asshole, but I have to admit, I had my own prejudice about gingers. I think we all need to realize that everyone is different in one way or another, and we shouldn't be threatened by those differences. I mean, Cartman had me kind of creeped out that gingers were gonna come get me in the night."
Kenny,"(Hehe, yeah, heh)"
Kyle,Oh... hey there.
Stan,You guys... need... anything?
Kyle,Let's just... let's just walk this way.
Stan,"More ginger kids. Um, meh-maybe we should just go home."
Kyle,"Yeah, good idea."
Stan,The hell do they want?
Kenny,(AH!)
Kyle,Kenny!
Stan,"Run, dude, run!!"
Clyde,Uh... Gi... ginger kids! AAAAAH!
Mom,"Clyde? What is it, honey?"
Boy,Aaah!  Ginger kids! Nooo!
Ginger Girl,"Laaa la, laaa lala."
Girl,What is it?
Ginger Girl,laaa lala.
Boy,It's a... little ginger girl.
Ginger Girl,laaa la.
Girl,Shut the door!
Ginger Girl,"Laaa la, laaa lala, laaa la."
Kids,AAAAAH!
Boy,Ow!
Ginger Girl,"Laaa la, laaa lala."
Kyle,In there! Let's go!  Get this jamb on the door!
Stan,"Kyle. Kyle, wake up."
Kyle,Huh. Whaaa?  Where are we?
Stan,I think we're at the Sunset Room at the Airport Hilton.
Cartman,My fellow gingers! The day of reckoning is finally upon us!
Stan,Cartman?
Kyle,"Oh Jesus, I should have known!"
Cartman,"What we begin here, we will take worldwide, until the blood of every non-ginger child has been spilled!"
Gary Nelson,"You guys got everything you need in here? Need more coffee, buffet items?"
Cartman,"No, we're fine! Thank you!"
Gary Nelson,How about lava? You got enough lava?
Cartman,Yes! We're good!
Gary Nelson,"Okay. Hey, thanks for choosin' the Airport Hilton, guys."
Cartman,"You're welcome, now leave us alone!!  Now! Let the extermination begin!  We will start... with the daywalker!"
Gingers,Daywalker!  Throw him in!
Kyle,Cartman! I need to tell you something!
Cartman,Go on then! Say your last words!
Kyle,Aah I think you'd rather hear this in private!
Cartman,"Okay fine, let him speak!  Then we kill every non-ginger here!  You... you what?"
Ginger Boy,"Come on, let's fulfill the plan! All non-gingers must die!"
Gingers,Yeah!
Cartman,"Right, the plan. Um... Oh. Oh, my God, you guys! Uh, I just realized something.  We shouldn't be doing this. Ah I mean, look at us.  What have we become?"
Gingers,Huh? What?
Cartman,"D-don't you see? If we go and exterminate everyone who isn't ginger, then we're no better than they were for thinking less of us. Maybe we all have to learn to live... together."
Ginger Boy 2,But... you just said everyone who isn't ginger must die.
Cartman,"Right, but... but I've learned that we can't judge people based on what they look like."
Ginger Boy 2,But you just said they should all die fifteen seconds ago.
Cartman,"See I know, I know, but I I get it now. We we've got to live and let live."
Ginger Boy,What did that kid in the green hat tell you?
Cartman,... Huh?
Ginger Boy,That kid right there. What did he just tell you?
Cartman,"Ss. Who? Oh him? Oh. No, that was just... Tha-that was about something else, totally unrelated."
Ginger Boy,"You wanted to kill everyone who wasn't ginger, then that kid in the green hat told you something, and now you don't wanna do it all of a sudden. What did he tell you?"
Cartman,"No, he was just telling me about something funny that happened at school yesterday. Um, oh, but anyway, ohhh! Oh wow, I can't believe how great it feels to finally love my fellow man, huh? Isn't this great you guys? We sure have been throgh a lot! But in the end, we all learned it's best to get along.Hand in hand, we can live together. Ginger or not, we're all the same.Black or white, brown or red, we shouldn't kill each other, 'cause it's lame. Come on, guys!Hand in hand, we can live together."
Gingers,"Ginger or not, it's all the same."
Cartman,That's it! You've got it!
Cartman and the Gingers,"Black or white, brown or red, we shouldn't kill each other, 'cause dying's lame. Hand in hand, we can live together."
Cartman,Live together!
Gingers,We shouldn't kill each other 'cause we're all the same.
Cartman,"The same, you and I!"
Gingers,"Black or white, brown or red, we shouldn't kill each other, 'cause dying's lame."
Kyle,"You are such a manipulative asshole, Cartman."
Cartman,"Yes, but I'm not going to die.  That's why we gotta get along, people!"
Gingers,"Hand in hand, we can live together. We shouldn't kill each other 'cause we're all the same."
Gingers,"Black or white, brown or red, we shouldn't kill each other, 'cause dying's lame.Hand in hand, we can live together. We shouldn't kill each other 'cause we're all the same.Black or white, brown or red, we shouldn't kill each other, 'cause dying's lame.Hand in hand, we can live together. We shouldn't kill each other 'cause we're all the same."
Kyle,"Oh dude, check it out. I got a Jake Plummer."
Cartman,"Aw man, I got a crappy AJ Feeley again!"
Kyle,"How come you didn't buy any cards, Stan?"
Stan,I can't spend any money. I'm saving up for that bike I want.
Cartman,"HA! Saving money, duhhh!"
Kyle,So what should we do now? It's Saturday and we have to have as much fun as possible.
Cartman,"Hey, I know! Let's go play laser tag at FunPlex."
Kenny,(Hey yeah!)
Stan,"No, I don't wanna spend any money, you guys.  Let's just do something fun that's free."
Cartman,"Stan, don't you know the first law of physics? Anything that's fun costs at least eight dollars."
Kyle,"Yeah dude, nothing fun is free."
Stan,Well I can't spend any money.
Cartman,"Okay, be a Jew. We're gonna go play laser tag."
Kyle,Yeah. See ya.
Woman,"Hello, would you like to take a personality test? It's fun and it's free."
Stan,Excuse me?
Woman,We're doing free personality tests today.
Stan,Uh what do I have to do?
Woman,"Have you heard of Scientology? It's all based on the book, Dianetics. A lot of really cool people are Scientologist's, like Tom Cruise and John Travolta. Why don't you come on in and we'll get your fun free personality test started.  Let's just find an empty room here, lots of people getting free tests today.  Hey Brian."
Brian,Hey Kelly. How's it going?
Kelly,"Great! I want you to meet my new friend, Stan."
Brian,Hey there! How are you?
Stan,Fine.
Kelly,Brian's gonna give you your personality test and then let you know some things about Scientology.
Brian,"Good times, good times!"
Stan,"L-look, is this a religion? Because my family is like, Catholic or something."
Brian,"Ho, that's not a problem at all. Scientology is more like an alternative to psychology than a religion."
Stan,"Then how come that sign says ""Church of Scientology""?"
Brian,"Oho, that's just this thing: What's the Denver Broncos' record now? Six and two?"
Stan,Seven and two.
Brian,"Wow! That's great! All right, come on in and take a seat; we're gonna have some fun!  All right now, I'm just gonna ask you a few questions. Just answer these questions as truthfully as you can, alright?  Okay. Number 1: Do you ever make remarks... which you later regret?"
Stan,"Uhhh, sh-sure?"
Brian,Uh huh. Would you rather give orders... than take them?
Stan,Yeah?
Brian,"Do you ever whistle... just for the fun of it.  Okay, and finally, does life sometimes feel vague and confusing to you?"
Stan,Yes.
Brian,"Okay, Stan. Well, that's it. That's the end of the personality test."
Stan,So how did I do?
Brian,"Well, I hate to tell you this, Stan, but... you are one messed-up kid."
Stan,...Huh??
Brian,"Yeah, I'm afraid that you are completely miserable and totally depressed."
Stan,I am?? I didn't know that!
Brian,Well there's certainly no question that you are a perfect candidate for Scientology. I think it can really make you happy again.
Stan,What what do I do?
Brian,It's very simple. We just need two hundred and forty dollars.
Sharon,"Stanley, you haven't touched your food. What's the matter with you?"
Stan,I'm totally depressed.
Sharon,What? Why?
Stan,I don't know.
Sharon,Well how long have you been feeling this way?
Stan,I'm not sure. But... I need two hundred and forty dollars.
Randy,"Two hundred and forty dollars?! What'd you do, break something?!"
Stan,"No, I found a self-help program that can cure me."
Randy,"Oh Jesus, the answer is no, Stanley."
Stan,But I'm completely miserable and these people can help!
Sharon,"Stanley, I didn't know you were miserable."
Stan,Neither did I!
Randy,"Stanley, do you have any concept of money at all? Money doesn't grow on trees, you know?"
Stan,"Don't you care that I'm depressed?! What if I become suicidal, or, or become an alcoholic like Grandpa??"
Grandpa,Huh?
Randy,"Well, if you really think your life is so bad, Stan, why don't you take what you have out of your bicycle savings?!"
Stan,...well but... but that's my money.
Randy,"Yeah, well just like the rest of us, you have to make choices with your money. Do you want a bike, or do you not want to be depressed?"
Kelly,"Michelle, our friend Stan wants to have auditing."
Michelle,"Oho good, you're going to be so happy."
Stan,I hope so.
Kelly,"It's the beginning of a whole new life for you, Stan. See ya afterwards."
Michelle,"Great, so do you have the two hundred and forty dollars.  Perfect! We're on our way!  Come on over here and I'll fill you in on how the Church of Scientology works.  You see, Stan, Scientology was founded by a great man named L. Ron Hubbard.  Mr. Hubbard discovered that negative emotions are actually caused by things called ""body thetans."""
Stan,Really?
Michelle,"Yes! And being the genius that he was, Mr. Hubbard invented a way to get rid of those bad thetans.  This is called an E-meter. It's the main tool of Scientology. You just grab a hold of these handles as I talk you through past experiences in your life. I'll be taking readings here, and we'll be able to determine your thetan levels."
Stan,Thetan levels...
Michelle,"Come on in the auditing room and I'll show you how it works.  All these people are just like you, Stan, auditing with E-meters to get rid of their negative emotions.  All right, Stan, I want you to just relax and take hold of the E-meter handles."
Stan,"So, this is gonna make me happy?"
Michelle,"Just take a few deep breaths, and I'll just get a base reading of your thetan levels.  Huh, that's, that's strange."
Stan,What?
Michelle,"Somethin-,  something's wrong. Brian, could you come over here a second?"
Brian,"Yep- Oh hey there, Greg!"
Stan,Stan.
Michelle,Will you... look at his thetan levels?
Brian,"Huh, well. We'll get another E-meter - this one's obviously broken. Sorry about this, Greg."
Recruiter,"And so we just try to analyze your personality, and if it seems like you need some help, then you can have an audit counseling for a nominal fee."
Mr. Mackey,"Well, that sounds pretty reasonable, m'kay."
Brian,"Mike, I need to talk to you!"
Mike,"Excuse me, sir, I'll be right back.  Are you all right? You're sweating!"
Brian,Take a look at this.
Mike,What is it?
Brian,The E-meter results from the little boy in Room D
Mike,This... this can't be right.
Brian,We ran the tests four times! We used four different E-meters!
Mike,Fax these results to the head office in Los Angeles. The President has to see thus right away. Go!  Now!
Woman,"The boy is from a small mountain town in Colorado, sir."
Man,"Sir, how can it be that a first timer scores that kind of thetan level?? He registered OT9! I'm only OT7 and I've been in the church all my life!"
President,I've waited... forty-two years... for this day.
Man,Sir?
President,Don't you all see what this means? There was only one person who EVER registered OT9 in the history of our church.  L. Ron Hubbard said he had lived past lives. That when he died his thetan would show itself again. Our prophet has returned.
Sharon,"Uh, Stanley, take the garbage out before you go to bed."
Stan,I took out the garbage yesterday.
Randy,"Right now, Stan!"
Stan,Aagh!  Stupid dumb garbage!
Man 2,There he is!
Man 3,Thank you for returning!
Man 4,He's wonderful.  He's wonderful.
Randy,Stan! What the hell did you do?!
Stan,I don't know!
President,Hello young man. I'm the head of Scientology. It is...  a great honor to meet you!
Randy,"All right, what the hell is going on here?!"
President,"We've been looking for your son for a long time, Mr. Marsh. He is the reincarnation of our church's most famous prophet."
Sharon,Wwhat??
President,Scientologist's the world over are simply rejoicing at his second coming.
Randy,"Look, we don't want our son to join your group, okay?"
President,"We're not asking him to join us, we're asking him... to lead us."
Shelly,"Oh my God, it's John Travolta!"
John Travolta,Is this where he lives? Is this where L. Ron Hubbard is? Oh my god!
President,"Yes, John Travolta and Tom Cruise are big Scientologist's. Do you believe me nooow?  Young man, I know you don't remember it,but... your name was L. Ron Hubbard. You revealed the secret that began the whole Church of Scientology."
Randy,"Okay, Stan, it's late, go up to your room and get ready for bed! Let Mommy and Daddy handle this."
Stan,Jesus Christ...
Cruise,"L. Ron?  L. Ron! It really is you!  Oh, this is the greatest day of my life!"
Stan,"Aw dude, I need to go to bed."
Cruise,"Don't you understand, L. Ron? It's me! Tom Cruise!"
Stan,"Yeah, I know who you are."
Cruise,"Ha-haven't I done well, L. Ron? Haven't you enjoyed my acting? Which film did you like best?"
Stan,"Well-h. I mean, you're not... you're not like as good as Leonardo DiCaprio, but you're okay, I guess."
Cruise,...What?
Stan,"I mean, you're not Gene Hackman or that guy who played Napoleon Dynamite, but you're okay."
Cruise,I'm nothing.  I'm a failure in the eyes of the Prophet! AAAH!
Stan,"Hey!  Dude, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."
Cruise,Go away!
Stan,"Dude, this is my room!"
Cruise,"Go away, I said!"
Stan,Dad! Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!
Cruise,What?!
Stan,Tom Cruise locked himself in my closet and he won't come out.
Randy,"Mr. Cruise? Mr. Cruise, come out of the closet."
Cruise,No!
Randy,"Come on, Mr. Cruise, this is ridiculous."
Cruise,I'm never coming out!
Randy,What did you say to him?
Stan,I just told him I thought the Napoleon Dynamite guy is a better actor than he is.
Randy,"Oh boy.  Mr. Cruise, you can't just stay in the closet, alright? You need to come out."
Sharon,What's going on?
Randy,Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet.
Sharon,What??
Cruise,Just leave me alone!
Randy,"Well, we CAN'T leave you alone because YOU won't come out of the closet!"
Field Reporter,"It's been four hours now, and Tom Cruise still will not come out of the closet. Hundreds of onlookers here have gathered here in hopes that the celebrity will finally give in."
Sergeant,"Tom Cruise, this is Park County police! Please come out of the closet.  Everybody here just wants you to come out of the closet, Tom.  Nobody's gonna be mad, everything's gonna be all right. Just come out of the closet."
Field Reporter,"We're still not exactly sure why Tom Cruise is in the closet, but I'm being joined now by famous singer/songwriter R. Kelly."
R. Kelly,"Well I was just standing here, and Tom Cruise locked himself in the closetI asked myself why won't Tom Cruise just come out the closet?Nobody has no answers, and so I pull out my gun!"
President,"Please, understand, we just want what is best for your son. The reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard must be taken care of. He had many enemies."
Randy,Wasn't L. Ron Hubbard a science-fiction writer?
President,Yes. But he was also a prophet... who knew the secret truth about the nature of life.
Sharon,This is just too much.
President,"We want to reveal to Stan the great secret of life behind our church. The safely-guarded Scientology doctrine. Please, your son deserves to be enlightened."
Randy,"Stan, do you want to hear the great secret doctrine of life behind Scientology?"
Stan,Sure.
Randy,"All right, go ahead and tell him."
President,"Would you excuse us, please? This is highly-classified church information."
Randy,Aw rats.
President,"Usually, to hear the secret doctrine, you have to be in the church for several years, Stan.  Are you ready to hear the truth?"
Stan,"I, I guess."
President,"You see, Stan, there is a reason for people feeling sad and depressed.  An alien reason. It all began 75 million years ago. Back then there was a galactinc federation of planets which was ruled over by the evil Lord Xenu."
Xenu,Ho ho ho ho ho ho.
President,"Xenu thought his galaxy was overpopulated,  and so he rounded up countless aliens from all different planets,  and then had those aliens frozen."
Xenu,Wa ha ha ha!
President,"The frozen alien bodies were loaded onto Xenu's galactic cruisers, which looked like DC-8s, except with rocket engines. The cruisers then took the frozen alien bodies to our planet, to Earth, and dumped them into the volcanoes of Hawaii.  The aliens were no longer frozen, they were dead. The souls of those aliens, however, lived on, and all floated up towards the sky. But the evil Lord Xenu had prepared for this."
Xenu,Wa ha ha ha!
President,"Xenu didn't want their souls to return! And so he built giant soul-catchers in the sky!  The souls were taken to a huge soul brain-washing facility, which Xenu had ALSO built on Earth.  There the souls were forced to watch days of brainwashing material  which tricked them into believing a false reality. Xenu then released the alien souls, which roamed the earth aimlessly in a fog of confusion. At the dawn of man, the souls finally found bodies which they can grab onto. They attached themselves to all mankind, which still to this day causes all our fears, our confusions, and our problems.  L. Ron Hubbard did an amazing thing telling the world this incredible truth. Now all we're asking you to do...  is pick up where he left off."
Stan,But I don't know any of this stuff.
President,"Neither did L. Ron when he started. He said he just closed his eyes, and wrote down whatever came to mind. You can do the same. Just let it flow."
Stan,"Okay, I'll try. I just wish I could write in my room, but Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet."
President,I know. We've sent Nicole Kidman up there to see if she can help.
Nicole,"Tom? Tom, It's Nicole."
Cruise,Ah hi Nicole.
Nicole,"Tom, don't you think this has gone on long enough? It's time for you to come out of the closet."
Cruise,"...I'm not, I'm not in the closet."
Nicole,"Yes you are, Tom. And you need to just end this and come out.  I'm not gonna think any differently of you. Katie's not gonna think any differently of you. You don't need to be in that closet anymore, Tom."
Cruise,"I'm not in here, though."
Nicole,"Yes, you are."
Cruise,"I'm not, ...I'm not in the closet."
Nicole,"Then how am I talking to you, Tom?  Tom, you can't hide forever just because the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard doesn't like your acting. Come out of the closet, Tom. You're not fooling anyone."
Cruise,"I'm, I'm not, I'm not in here."
Stan,"Yeah, yeah!"
Kyle,"Hey Stan, we're gonna go to the movies."
Stan,I can't. I'm writing a new sacred doctrine for my church.
Kyle,"Look, Stan, we're really getting concerned about this cult that you're getting into."
Stan,"Cult? Scientology isn't a cult, Kyle. I've read all this stuff and it's based on fact."
Kyle,"Dude, L. Ron Hubbard was a science-fiction writer. He lived on a boat with only young boys and got busted by the feds numerous times."
Stan,I did not! Those are rumors put out by people who are afraid because they don't know the secret truth.
Kyle,What secret truth??
Stan,"I can't tell you unless you pay for a few years of audit counseling! All I know is that I was depressed before, and now I found meaning!"
Kyle,I didn't know you were depressed.
Stan,"Neither did I! But now, if you guys can't accept this great thing I belong to, then I suppose we're no longer friends!"
Cartman,"Stan, I just want you to know that I still hate Kyle more than you."
Travolta,"Tom! Hey Tom, this is John Travolta."
Cruise,Oh hey John.
Travolta,"Tom, you've gotta come out of the closet. Oh my God."
Cruise,L. Ron Hubbard doesn't think I'm a great actor.
Travolta,"Mm-maybe you took what he said out of context. Okay, 's like, if you don't come out, can I at least come in and talk to you?"
Cruise,"Oh... Okay, but no tricks."
Travolta,"No tricks.  Hey, it's really nice n here."
Cruise,"Yeah, see?"
Travolta,I feel really safe. Oh my god.
Randy,"Hello?  Hey, come out of there!"
Field Reporter,"Tom, it now appears that John Travolta is also in the closet, and he refuses to come out. Here with more details once again, is R. Kelly."
R. Kelly,"I was just standing here. Tom Cruise locked himself in the closetThen John Travolta come and now, John Travolta in the closet too.Please Tom Cruise and John Travolta come out the closet!But then I calm myself down, and I pull out my gun!"
Field Reporter,"Oh geez, here we go with the gun again."
President,"Yes... Yes, oh this is great, Stan!"
Stan,"I wrote that um, our followers shouldn't fly in DC-8s anymore because they're too much like Xenu's evil cruisers."
President,"Yes, of course! So wonderful!"
Stan,And I wrote that the evil Lord Xenu was recently broken out of galactic jail.
President,"Yes, of course!"
Stan,"And best of all, I wrote that all the Scientologist's should no longer have to pay money to belong."
President,What?
Stan,"I I realize that to really be a church, we can't charge people for help."
President,"What are you, stupid?! Then how do we make money from those people?!"
Stan,"... Well, it's not about the money, it's about the message, right?"
President,"Wait a minute, whoa, whoa! You don't actually believe this crap, do you?? Dummy! Brainwashed alien souls?? E-meters and thetan levels?? Those people out there buy that crap and I thought YOU were smart enough to see what was really going on!"
Stan,But you said that there were-
President,"What's better than telling people a stupid story and having them believe you?!  Having them PAY you for it, stupid!"
Stan,"But then, why me? Why do you need me to write something so badly?"
President,"Because if those people all think you're the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard, then they'll all buy your new writings, and you and I together will make three million dollars!"
Stan,Three million dollars?
President,That's how the scam works! But this is a scam on a global scale! Do you fucking get me now?!
Stan,"Yeah. Yeah, I get you."
President,"Then keep writing, L. Ron! Your people are waiting."
Field Reporter,Breaking news here in South Park. Tom Cruise and John Travolta still... will not come out of the closet. Park County police have decided to try a new method.
R. Kelly,"I've been asked to come up here, get you both out of the closetMan, this is some crazy shit. Why won't you both just come out the closet?And they said..."
"Cruise, Travolta","We're not comin' out the closet, so you can just go away."
R. Kelly,But everyone wants you out the closet.
"Cruise, Travolta",That doesn't matter 'cause we're gonna stay.
R. Kelly,"Now I'm startin' to get angry, so I pull out my gun!"
President,"My fellow Scientologist's! Our prophet has finished his new doctrine, and will now read some passages before making it available to you all for a nominal fee.  I give you... the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard!"
Stan,"Uh, thanks. So, first of all, I've written that the brainwashed alien ghosts are actually from a galaxy called Nubanon."
Crowd,Ohhhh.
Man,Nubanon.
Stan,"And uh, oh,  ...I ...I can't do this."
President,"Huh, what?"
Stan,"Look, everybody, we're all looking for answer, you know. We all want to understand who we are and where we come from, but... sometimes we want to know the answers so badly that we... believe just about anything."
Man 2,Huh?
Woman,What?
Stan,I'm not the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard. And... Scientology is just a big fat global scam.
Brian,Oh! We are gonna sue you!
Stan,What??
President,"Yeah, you think you can say our religion is a lie?! We'll sue you, buddy!"
Stan,YOU told me it was a lie!
President,"Ho, now you're puttin' words in MY mouth! You are so sued!"
Man 3,"You can't make fun of Scientology, kid! We are gonna sue your ass AND your balls!"
Crowd,"Yeah, that's right!"
President,"How dare you mock our faith, you little punk?! You'll be hearing from our lawyers tomorrow!"
Field Reporter,"We've just had an incredible development here, Mitch. Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and R. Kelly, have all come out of the closet!"
Cruise,"So you're NOT the prophet, huh?! You made me look stupid! I'm gonna sue you too!"
Stan,Well fine! Go ahead and sue me!
Cruise,I will! I'll sue you in England!
President,"You are so sued, kid!"
Stan,"Well go on, then! Sue me!"
President,We're going to!
Stan,"Okay, good! Do it! I'm not scared of you! Sue me!"
Announcer,"And now, Jambu is going to going to give you all a big wave!"
Cartman,I'm all wet! Sweet!
Kyle,"Dude, Jambu is the best!"
Announcer,Now get ready for Jambu's next trick.
Cartman,Haha! I'm totally wet! This is awesome!!
Announcer,"How about that, folks! A full body flip! And now, Kelly's gonna show us how she makes Jambu do his tricks.  When Kelly slaps her hand three times, Jambu comes to her. Jambu will stay and wait until Kelly gives him a command.  Oh, what trick are we gonna see? Get those cameras ready!  That's Kelly riding on Jambu's nose!  I wish Kelly would ride on my nose."
Cartman,Yes! Yeehehehes!
Announcer,"We hope you enjoyed Jambu's orca show, and enjoy the rest of your day at Denver's Sea Park!  You bunch of retards."
Stan,"Okay, where to next?"
Cartman,I think there's a sea lion show at 2:30.
Kyle,Let's just stay here and watch the whale swim around some more.
Cartman,Why?
Kyle,"Dude, everyone's leaving! We can walk right up to the tank and really study him."
Cartman,"Kyle, the show is over! The whale isn't gonna splash us any more, so who cares?"
Stan,"Let's go see the stingrays, and then we can go to the sea lion show."
Cartman,Killer.
Kyle,I'll meet up with you guys in a little bit. I-I wanna hang out here some more.
Cartman,"Okay, Kyle. We're gonna get splashed some more, but if you wanna go make love to the whale, that's fine."
Kyle,"Jambu? Jambu?  Cool! It worked! Hey, Jambu."
Jambu,"Hello, little boy.  You like my flippers?"
Kyle,Who said that?
Jambu,I did.
Kyle,No way!
Jambu,"This is very exciting! Usually when I talk, nobody can hear me. Where are you from?"
Kyle,South Park.
Jambu,It sure is nice to have somebody to talk to. Can't we talk more? Please?
Kyle,What do you wanna talk about?
Jambu,Let's talk about rocket ships.
Kyle,Rocket ships?
Jambu,"Yeah. I love rockets, but I can't see them 'cause I'm stuck in this tank. . You know, someday, I wish that I could go up in space in a rocket ship."
Kyle,Why? Aren't you happy here?
Jambu,"I try to be, but my wish is to one day blast off in a big rocket ship!"
Kyle,This is amazing! But wait right here. I've gotta go tell my friends about this!
Jambu,"Oh God, it's funny every single time."
Stingray Announcer,"And for those of you just joining us, this is the stingray tank. Stingrays are members of the shark family, but they're extremely peaceful creatures. We invite you to gently touch the top of them as they swim by."
Cartman,"Heh! Come on, stingray!  Splash me! Ha! Hey, splash me!  Dude, these things are dumb. Let's go!"
Kyle,Hey you guys! You guys are not gonna believe this!
Stan,What?
Kyle,"Dude, he talks! The orca whale talks!"
Kenny,(What the fuck are you talking about?)
Kyle,I went up to Jambu's tank and I tapped three times like the trainer did. Jambu swam up and started talking to me about rocket ships! Come on! You gotta check it out!
Kyle,"Jambu! Jambu, I'm back!  How are you feeling?  Huhm. Jambu, you wanna talk about rocket ships?  Ja- Jambu? Are you still feelin' lonely here?"
Cartman,"Kyle, Kyle. Let it go, man."
Kyle,"He talked! I swear to Abraham he talked, and he loves rocket ships!"
Partner,"Dude, he's back, he's back!"
Kyle,"Goddammit, say something!"
Cartman,"Come on, guys, let's leave Kyle with his stupid whale."
Jambu,Please don't call me stupid.
Kyle,"Jambu! Jambu, why didn't you speak up before?"
Jambu,"I'm sorry. Sometimes I can't talk. It's because I'm very very sick, you see."
Kyle,Sick?
Stan,I don't believe it.
Jambu,"Yes, because I'm not used to the earth atmosphere. You see, my name is actually Willzy-x, and I'm from the moon!"
Partner,The moon?
Jambu,"The... that's where all orca whales are from. If I don't get back to the moon, I'm going to die."
Cartman,You live on the moon?
Jambu,I used to. I wish I could return and dance in the moon castle with my wife and three children again.
Kyle,Oh my God...
Stan,Why don't you just tell the people here at the sea park?
Jambu,"I can't tell them, because they're evil communists from the Horsehead Nebula. They want to kill all us zypods, so they keep us in these horrible tanks and make us perform."
Kyle,That's terrible!
Partner,"Dude, dude, the boss is coming!"
Jambu,"Uh, uh, sorry boys, I can't talk anymore. I'm too sick.  Can't. Talk. Any. More."
Kyle,"Alright guys, listen up! This may sound a little strange, but, the whale, at the Denver Sea Park, is going to die, unless we get it to the moon,"
Butters,Well okay! Let's do it!
Kyle,"The whale's name is Willzy-x, and he told us he's dying on our planet. We've come up wth a plan, but we're gonna need all of your help to make it work."
Clyde,...A whale. Talked to you.
Stan,It's true. The whale talked to all of us. In between shows at his orca tank.
Craig,"Hey, that whale talked to me too. After everyone left the show I walked up to the glass and he started talking."
Kyle,"Weh-well, why didn't you tell anybody?"
Craig,Well I thought I was crazy. He said my dad was gonna sneak into my room naked one night and beat me up.
Kyle,Well you're NOT crazy. The whale talked to all of us. And he needs our help getting him home.
Craig,...So it's true.
Kyle,"Nobody else is going to help him, you guys. We've got a chance to do something pretty special here. Are you with us?"
Token,...What do we do?
Kyle,Stan?
Stan,"All right. In order to make our plan work, we're going to need the pool from Clyde's back yard, Timmy's wheelchair, the Russian government, and all of our skateboards."
Timmy,Timmihhhhh...
Stan,"Craig, Token, get the slings ready."
Kyle,"Shhh. Willzy-x, don't say anything. We're gonna bust you out of here."
Announcer,"Dude, did you see that episode of Trading Spouses last night? That was insane. Yeah, well ha- whoa. What the hell?"
Owner,"How could you not have seen anything?? It's a whale, for Christ's sake!"
Guard,It must have been taken while I was going to the bathroom.
Owner,Were you in there for three hours?!
Guard,Don't yell at me!
Announcer,What happened?
Kelly,"Somebody kidnapped Jambu, took him right out of the park."
Partner,What? How?
Guard,I DON'T KNOW!
Sergeant,"All right, people, it's obvious we're dealing with a highly intelligent animal-rights group. Those bastards have done stuff like this before."
Nelson,"Sir! Sir, we've found a note!"
Owner,A note? Let me see that.  We're taking Willzy-x home to the moon. Long live the zypods!  What the hell does that mean?
Sergeant,"Harris, run a fingerprint on that note!  Nelson! Find out what kind of crayon it was written with.  We'll find out who was responsible for this!"
Partner,We have to tell them! We know what those boys look like!
Announcer,"We can't tell them, then they're, they're gonna think this is all our fault"
Partner,It IS all our fault!
Announcer,How were we supposed to know that they were gonna actually do it?!
Partner,"I shouldn't have laughed. All those times we've messed with those kids' heads, I shouldn't have just sat there and laughed."
Announcer,Don't you say that! It was funny! It was really funny! We've just...  we've just gotta make this right ourselves.
Partner,How?
Announcer,We've gotta track down those kids. Before the police do!
Putin,"Comrades, I'm afraid our situation is dire. The economy is stale and I... Very soon, Mother Russia... will no longer be a country."
Aide,"Sir! Sir, somebody is on telephone! Another rich American wants to fly into space!"
Putin,"Hello? Hello, this is Russian President."
Kyle,"Hi. My name's Kyle. Uh, I understand that your country flies people into space for money."
Putin,"Yes, we certainly do!  What were you looking for?"
Kyle,"I need to book one trip to the moon, please. Right away."
Putin,"The moon. That is quite large trip, but I'm sure we can do it!"
Kyle,You can? Awesome!
Putin,"It sounds like we're in business! We will just need, say, twenty million dollars?"
Kyle,Twenty... million?  Are you nuts? We don't have that kind of money.
Putin,...What?
Kyle,But you need to understand: we have a whale here that needs to get back to his family on the moon.
Putin,"Goddamnit it is prank call again!  Kiss my ass, George Bush! This is not funny!"
Stan,What happened?
Kyle,They want twenty million dollars.
Cartman,Twenty million? Just to go to the dumb moon?
Craig,That was it? That was you guys' whole plan? Ask the Russians to take the whale to space?
Stan,They were going to do it for that 'N Sync guy.
Tweek,"Oh, Jesus, now what are we gonna do?!"
Kyle,"All right, look, there's gotta be other Third-World countries with space programs. We've gotta split up and find someplace cheaper, that's all."
Clyde,"Well we can't keep the whale out here anymore, people are gonna see it!"
Anchor Tom,"A beloved performing orca whale has been stolen from the Denver Sea Park. A full investigation is underway, but tracking down the kidnappers is proving to be one WHALE of a problem."
Field Reporter,"Thanks, Tom, I'm here at the Denver Sea Park where, believe it or not, dozens of people have come to show support for whoever took the whale."
ALF Leader,"That's right. We are members of the Animal Liberation Front! Whales do not belong in tanks, they belong in the ocean! We applaud whoever did this noble deed! Set the whales free!"
Protesters,Set the whales free!
Field Reporter,One thing for certain: something is certainly FISHY here at the Sea Park. Tom?
Anchor Tom,"Thank, Mitch. It seems that this problem is almost un-BEAR-able.  Let's hope that whale is found."
Partner,"This is so bad, man. How do we even know this is the right town to look in??"
Announcer,Will you relax? Those kids said they were from South Park. We've just gotta go door to door. Do you have the composite sketch we did?
Partner,Yeah.
Announcer,Let's go!
Partner,"Maybe you should start with the houses on the left, a-and I'll take the-"
Announcer,"Wait a minute. Check that out!  Come on!  Oh my good, look!"
Partner,Whale poo.
Announcer,We're close. We're really close!
Mrs. Donovan,Can I help you?
Announcer,Oh... h-hello ma'am. We're just here to examine your pool.
Mrs. Donovan,Oh.
Partner,Have you noticed any whales in your pool at all?
Mrs. Donovan,"No, I don't believe so. But we've been out of town for a couple of days and came back to find the fence broken. Do you think somebody's been using it?"
Announcer,"Ma'am, do you recognize any of these boys?"
Mrs. Donovan,"The fat one in the middle... kinda looks like Dakota Fanning. Excuse me, gentlemen, I have to get back to the oven."
Partner,We're too late. They've moved on to another town!
Announcer,We don't know that!
Partner,"If they've moved on, then we have no leads! This is fate, Brian! It's fate! For telling the kids their naked dads were gonna beat them up! For thinking that screwing with kids was funny!"
Announcer,"It WAS funny!! It was funny, Bob! And it will be funny again, I swear to you! If those boys took the whale out of here, we would have seen them on the road! I'm telling you, we're close. It's going to be funny!"
Sheila,"Kyle bubbe, we're taking Ike to the new Harry Potter movie. Wanna join us?"
Kyle,"I can't, Mom. We're working on our school project."
Sheila,"All right. Well, there's pizza in the fridge if you and your friends get hungry."
Kyle,"Okay ma, thanks!"
Butters,Shouldn't we get him back in the water?
Clyde,"Whales are mammals; they don't need water to breathe, dumb-ass."
Cartman,"Yeah, we just have to keep him wet."
Kyle,"Yes, yes, hello? Is this Mr. Su-gi-yama with the Japanese space program?  How much to take a whale into space?  Nu-no, we don't want you to eat the whale, we want you to send it to the moon. How much? Jesus Christ! Uh hang on.  Hello? Jimmy, any luck at the Chinese Embassy?"
Jimmy,The Ch-Chinese will take someone to space for t-t-ten million dollars.
Kyle,Ten million?? Well that's more than the Germans want!
Jimmy,"Yeah. We told them that, a-and they told us to go f-fuck ourselves."
Kyle,"Damnit!  Tell me what to do, Willzy-x! How do we get you home??"
Cartman,He hasn't said a word since we brought him here.
Kyle,Yeah... He must be really sick.  Hang on Willzy-x. There's still hope. Stan and Craig might still luck with the space program down in Mexico.
Clyde,Mexico has a space program?
Stan,"Uh, 'xcuse me, we're looking for the Mexican... Aeronautica y Spacia Administrashown?"
Man,Allб
Stan,Thanks.  Is this the Mexican space program?
Man 2,"Space, sн. Fly."
Stan,Does the Mexican space programs have rockets that can go to the moon?
Man 2,"Follow, sí, show yo.  The roque lunar?"
Stan,This rocket will fly to the moon?
Man 2,"Sí, fly."
Stan,To the moon?
Man 2,Sí.
Stan,We want to take something to the moon. How much would that cost?
Man 2,O-ah... Two hundred.
Stan,Two hundred? Million?
Man 2,Two hundred... dollars.
Stan,"Quick, call Kyle."
Announcer,"Eh hello ma'am, uh, the teacher at the school said she recognized this boy to be your son?"
Sheila,"Oh yes, that's my bubbe. Kind of a bad drawing though."
Announcer,"Ma'am, we need to talk to your son, please! It's very urgent!"
Sheila,"I'm sorry, he just left. He's on his way to Mexico."
Both men,Mexico??
Sheila,"Yehhs. As part of a school project, he's helping his class to move two donated grand pianos to needy school children in Tijuana. My little bubbe is very caring."
Partner,Oh my God.
Announcer,Which highway did they take??
Cartman,"Hurry it up, dude, we have a rocket to catch."
Kyle,"Hang on, Willzy-x. Hang on, buddy."
Cartman,We have to hurry!
Driver,I'm going as fast as I can.
Kyle,"Hang on, Willzy-x. We'll in Mexico soon!."
Butters,Oh hamburgers! What is that??
Brian,"All right, out of the truck!"
Cartman,Uh oh.
Driver,What the hell is goin' on?!
Brian,You're carrying a stolen whale!
Driver,Stolen? You kids told me you won that whale at Pizza Hut!
Clyde,We're busted.
Kyle,Huh?
Brian,"Come on out, kid."
Driver,"Look, I didn't know nothin' about this."
Brian,Just help us get the whale into our truck and we'll all keep quiet about this.
Kyle,"You don't understand! Willzy-x is from the moon! He'll die if we don't get him back, now! Willzy-x, you have to talk! Come on boy, you have to! I know you're sick, but you could do it!"
Partner,"Look, kid, we need to tell you a little secret."
Cop 1,What's goin' on here??
Brian,Aw crap.
Butters,"Oh, now we're gonna get it."
Cop 1,Hey... That's the stolen whale!
Cop 2,Everyone down on the ground. Now!
Kyle,"No! Please, we have to go!"
Cop 2,You're not goin' anywhere! You're in a lot of trouble!
Kyle,"But... we were so close... I'm sorry, Willzy-x. We tried."
Cop 1,"We said down on the ground, kid. Move it!"
ALF Leader,"Leave those kids alone, you bastards! Animal Liberation Front!"
Cop 1,"Put down that weapon, now!"
ALF Leader,These boys are trying to get that whale home! You're not gonna stop them!
Kyle,All right!!
The Other Boys,Yes! Wow!
Cop 2,That whale belongs to a sea park!
Kyle,It belongs with its family!
ALF Member,That's right!
Cop 1,I said drop the gun NOW!
ALF Leader,Save the whale!
Partner,"Jesus, Oh God!"
ALF Member,"Save the whales, motherfucker!"
ALF Leader,Where are you taking the whale?
Kyle,"Tijuana, Mexico!"
ALF Leader,Of course. Brilliant! Release it in international waters. I'll drive the truck.
Kyle,"You're going home, Willzy-x!"
Brian,Mike? Mike??
Mike,It... wasn't... funny...
Brian,"Don't say that, Mike. It was funny. It just wasn't that funny this time.  All the other times were still funny, Mike! They were still funny!!"
Cop 1,Forty-five to dispatch... Stolen whale... heading to Tijuana... Whaaale to Tijuana!!
Worker 1,Conecte la segunda cadena.
Worker 2,No sé si va a llegar.
Stan,"They're on their way, Manuel. Is the rocket gonna be ready?"
Manuel,"Sн, fly."
Butters,Look! The Mexican border!
Clyde,"Oh Jesus, they're here!"
Sergeant,Hold your positions!
Owner,Aha! We've got them!
ALF Leader,"Hang on, boys."
Owner,Mary Mother of God!
Sergeant,Get them!
Kyle,"Willzy-x, I think we're here."
Stan,Back down the ramp! It's all rigged to go!
ALF Leader,"You got it, kid!"
Owner,Don't let them get that whale in the water!
Stan,"Kyle, it's all set to go!  Just get Willzy-x into the water!"
Kyle,"Come on, guys!"
Owner,Stop right now!
ALF Leader,"Hurry, boys! We'll take care of them!"
Kyle,"Hang on.  Hold on a second.  I gues... I... guess... this is... goodbye, Willzy-x.  I'm gonna miss you.  Hey, don't forget me, okay? I won't forget you."
Cartman,Oh crap! There's more of them!
Kyle,"Get him in the water!  Goodbye, Willzy-x!"
ALF Leader,"Swim, mighty whale! You're free!"
Stan,"Okay, Manuel, hit it."
Owner,Stop! That is my whale!
ALF Leader,I'm afraid you're too late! The whale's been set free.
Owner,No!
ALF Leader,"Now you see that your ways of captivity and exploiting animals will never prevail.  Not as long as there are children like these who still believe in the beauty and magic of freedom.  For it is children, with their innocence and their spirit, who know what is truly best for all the world."
ALF Leader,Oh my God!
Kyle,We did it!
Stan,"Thanks for the ride, Manuel."
Manuel,"Sн, bye."
Butters,"Well, see ya, fella. Uh I've gotta get home before my parents wake up."
Clyde,"Yeah, me too."
Kyle,"All right. Thanks for your help, dudes.  Well, we did it, guys. It wasn't easy, but... we did a really amazing thing."
Cartman,"Yeah, I feel pretty awesome right now."
Stan,I wonder... if he'll ever come back and visit us.
Kyle,"I don't know, but at least from now on, every time we look at the moon, we can know that Willzy-x is up there, dancing with the other zypods in his castle."
Class,Ichi!
Instructor,Ichi!
Class,Ichi!
Instructor,Ichi!
Class,Ichi!
Instructor,Ichi!
Class,Ichi!
Instructor,Ichi!
Class,Ichi!
Cartman,Ichi banzai
Instructor,Ichi!
Cartman,Ichi banzai! Kya!
Instructor,Karutamane-san! What are you doing?!
Cartman,I'm doing some sweet bun-sow moves.  I'm a little better than everyone else here.
Instructor,"Eriku-san, you must follow direction! You raku disciprine!"
Cartman,"Nah-uh, I don't raku disciprine!"
Instructor,Mina-san! You all needu more disciprine!  True disciprine... come from within. We are out of time. I will see you on Tuesday.
Kyle,"Dude, we've gotta hurry home! The final episode of Lost is on soon."
Cartman,"Yeah, let's go."
Stan,Wait. Where's my Dad?
Kyle,"He knew he had to take us all home, too, right?"
Stan,Yeah.
Stan,Dad? Where the hell could he have gone??
Randy,"Oh hey, sorry boys."
Male Voice,Later Randy.
Randy,"Hey, see you Nelson."
Stan,"Dad, weren't you watching?"
Randy,"Well, I ran into Nelson from work. We were at the bar watching the game. Two-dollar margaritas! It was great. All right, come on, I'll drive you guys home."
Kyle,Are you sure you're all right?
Randy,"Oh yeah, I'll be fine. I got some beers to keep my buzz going."
Stan,"Dad, aren't you supposed to like, not drink and drive?"
Randy,"I'm not drinking and driving, I'm driving while I'm drinking. Right, boys?"
Stan,"Sure, whatever dude."
Randy,"...Oh I gotta pee. Hand me that empty bottle, Stan."
Stan,Why not just pull over?
Randy,"Stan, you need to learn some things about being a man! Now give me that bottle!  There's a  reason why God made our penises like little hoses, boys. Hold the wheel, Stan.  When you boys start driving, you're gonna need to learn to do this too. Woahp!"
Stan,"Dad, we're gonna crash!"
Randy,Shh! Trying to concentrate!  Just hold the damn wheel!
Kyle,"Dude, I think you're being followed."
Randy,"Oh yeah?  Get off my ass, dickhole!"
Kyle,"No, dude, it's the police."
Randy,"Aww crap!  Here, hold this!"
Stan,"Aww, it's all warm!"
Randy,"Everybody just stay calm! I can handle this, no problem. I know how to deal."
Officer,"License and registration, please."
Randy,"What seems to be the officer, problem?"
Officer,"...Sir, why don't you step out of the car for me?"
Randy,Okay.
Officer,"Sir, I'm going to give you a sobriety test."
Randy,"Okay, no problem. Easy."
Officer,"Stand over here, please?  Right there. All right, now I want you to hold your arms out at your sides..."
Randy,"Ooof. There! I did it, see?! No problem!"
Officer,And now touch your finger to your nose.
Randy,Do what??
Officer,Touch your finger to your nose.
Randy,"Wull come on, that's impossible!"
Officer,"Just bring one hand to your nose, like this."
Randy,"Okay... Okay, hang on... Okay...  Okay, hang, ha-, ...hang on... Hol-! Hold on.  Wa-hang on, hang on."
Cartman,"Dude, what the hell is he doing?"
Kyle,I think his pants are falling down.
Randy,What? What did I do?!  What did I do?!
Officer 2,Keep blowing. Keep blowing.  Keep blowing.  Aw Jesus!
Stan,This is sooo embarrassing.
Cartman,"You know, Stan, I'd say your dad racksa disciprine!"
Kyle,"You know, I didn't even get home until 2:30."
Cartman,"Man, that was such a bummer."
Stan,"Look, guys, about last night, can you just be quiet about it?"
Cartman,Why?
Stan,"Because, I don't want everyone knowing, okay? Could we please just keep this to ourselves?"
Cartman,"All right, Stan. Sure."
Mrs. Garrison,"Okay children, let's take our seats.  Today we will be continuing our study of economics. But first, we're going to hear from a motivational speaker. The state has sent over somebody to talk to you all about the dangers of drunk driving. Please welcome Stan's dad."
Stan,Oh Jesus.
Randy,"Well uh, I'm, s'posed to tell you kids about how bad drinking is, um... I'd-did a little drinking and driving. As part of my punishment I'm... doing community service work at schools like these."
Mrs. Garrison,"Oh that's very interesting, isn't it, kids?"
Randy,"Uh, you you shouldn't drink, because it leads to uh bad things. I was in jail for the night and well I guess I donno, I... Just don't drink but,... if you must drink, d-definitely don't drive. I've... definitely learned that firsthand, and uh, uuh, that's all, I guess."
Mrs. Garrison,"...Well, I think we've all learned an important lesson, haven't we, class? If you don't make the right choices in life, you could end up being a big loser like Stan's dad.  Drinking and driving is for idiots. Nobody wants to end up like Stan's dad, do they?  I want you all to take a good look at Stan's dad and say, ""Is that who I want to be in thirty years? Getting tickets and having to go to elementary school classrooms and talk about how pathetic I am?"" Thank you Mr. Marsh, I think you made your point."
AA Speaker,"Hello again everyone, my name is Michael, and, I'm an alcoholic."
Group,"Hi, Michael."
Michael,"As most of you know I once lost my job and my family because of my drinking. But with the help of AA I've been sober for ten years now.  Anyone have anything they wanna tell the groups, for starters?"
Man 1,"My name's Bill, and Im an alcoholic."
Group,Hi Bill.
Randy,Hi Bill.
Bill,"I've been using the 12-step program for about two months now and, and I'm really turning my life around. No more blowing guys on Colfax Avenue for a pint of vodka for THIS cowboy!"
Michael,"That's great. And I understand this is somebody's first AA meeting, is that right? &lt;/&gt; Y-yes, you sir. Stand on up and introduce yourself."
Randy,"Um, my name's Randy, and... I just, really like beer."
Man 2,You have to admit you're an alcoholic.
Randy,"But, I don't know if I'm really an alcoholic."
Big Woman,Then why are you here?
Randy,Because I got a DUI and so I'm required to attend AA meetings for two weeks. I was stupid one night and drank too much and then drove a car. That was dumb and I'm not gonna do it again.
Michael,"Randy, you are powerless to make that decision. The only thing that works is the 12-step program.  Step 1 is admitting that you are powerless to control your drinking. Only then can you move on to the other 12 steps, like, believing that only a higher power, God, makes you stop drinking. And then, turning your life over to that God and, humbly asking God to remove your weaknesses."
Randy,"What wait wait, hold on. I never knew that Alcoholics Anonymous was a religious thing."
Michael,"Well it's not religious. You just have to admit that there is some kind of god which has power over you and turn your life over to that god and ask him for forgiveness. That's the 12-step program, not religion."
Randy,"Look, I, I really just need to cut down on my drinking and never drive the car drunk again."
Michael,"You just can't cut down on your drinking, Randy. You need to know something. You have a disease."
Randy,Uh... a disease?
Michael,"That's right. Alcoholism is a disease. You're sick, Randy. You're very very sick. And just like with most diseases, you can't cure it yourself. And it's deadly."
Randy,Oh my God...
Stan,Dad! What the hell are you doing?!
Randy,"Hello, Stan."
Stan,"Dad, it's the middle of the day! I thought you weren't going to drink as much anymore!"
Randy,"No, Stan, you don't understand. I have a disease. Daddy's very sick."
Stan,What?? Did you go to your AA meeting?!
Randy,"Yes, they're the ones that told me. I thought I could just quite drinking on my own, but... it's an illness, son. I have to admit that I'm powerless to this terrible disease."
Stan,"Dad, you've had enough! Just stop now!"
Randy,I can't! I'm sick!  It's not fair! Why did you give me this disease?!  Stan! Stan!  Stan.
Stan,"Aww, Goddammit!"
Randy,Stan I... need your help.
Stan,"Dad, what are you doing in Grandpa's extra wheelchair?!"
Randy,"Gotta try to take it easy from now on, son. Get Daddy another beer, will ya?"
Stan,No! You don't need another beer!
Randy,I know that! But this disease is just eating me up! I hate my illness!
Stan,"Dad, you just need to not drink so much. It's very simple."
Randy,"I wish it was that simple, son. But if I don't give myself up to a higher power, this disease is going to kill me dead. I'm afraid the only thing that will cure me... is a miracle."
Priest,Es un milagro.   Es un milagro!
Field Reporter,"Tom, I'm standing in the garden of St. Peter's church in Bailey, where what some call a miracle is taking place. The statue of the Virgin Mary has started to bleed. Out its ass.  The phenomenon was first seen by Father Harold Barnes,  who saw the blood coming from the Virgin Mary's ass late last night.  People from all over the state have flocked here to the church to witness the apparent miracle firsthand."
Woman 1,"Well, we just heard that this miracle was happening and we wanted to see it for ourselves and come and pray."
Field Reporter,Why do you believe the Virgin Mary is dripping blood?
Woman 2,Well it may represent her sorrow over all the bad things going on in the world.
Field Reporter,"Why do you believe the Virgin Mary is dripping blood out her ass?  As news of the miracle spreads, hundreds are expected to show up here at the church, hoping to witness the miracle, and even cure their diseases."
Randy,Cure... cure disease. STAN!!
Man 3,My name is Harry and I'm an alcoholic.
Group,Hi Harry.
Harry,"I've been sober now for five years and I I've learned that drinking ice tea and, and getting more involved with my relationship with God is, is, is way more fun than partying."
Woman 2,It it sure is.
Harry,"Once I accepted that I was powerless to control my drinking and my life, I I put it in God's hands and now, these meeting are the most fun thing I do."
Man 4,Yeah.
Stan,"Ah, excuse me, who's in charge here?"
Michael,None of us are in charge. We're all powerless.
Group,We sure are. That's right. Uh huh.
Stan,"Uh, look, my dad was here yesterday and ...you all kind of messed him up by telling him he had a disease?"
Harry,Alcoholism is a disease.
Stan,"No it, it's not. And, y-you can't just go around saying stuff like that to people like my dad. He He's kind of, a hypochondriac"
Man 2,It is a disease because it's a physical dependency. That makes it a disease.
Stan,"No, cancer is a disease. My dad needs to drink less."
Michael,He can't quit by himself. None of us could. He needs divine intervention. Spirituality.
Stan,"No, he just needs a disciprine. But thanks to you people, my dad now thinks he has a disease that he can't cure himself."
Michael,"Young man, do you know anything about the 12-Step Program?"
Stan,"Yeah, and I also know a thing or two about cults. I was the leader of one for a while.  Goddammit!"
Field Reporter,"The crowd grows larger every hour, as the statue of the Virgin Mary continues to miraculously cry blood... out her ass. A Cardinal, Mallory, has been sent by the Vatican to determine whether this is a true miracle or not."
Father Barnes,"Right this way, Cardinal.  The blood always comes from the same area. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot."
Cardinal Mallory,It's a miracle!
Randy,"Uh, kay, here we go."
Stan,"Dad?! Dad, what are you doing?!"
Randy,I gotta drive to Bailey.
Stan,"Dad, you're drunk! You're not driving a car!"
Randy,"No, Stan, you don't understand. There's a church in Bailey. The statue of the Virgin Mary is bleeding out her ass."
Stan,What??
Randy,They say her divine ass blood has miraculous healing power. She can cure my alcoholism! I'll be back soon!
Stan,"Dad, you can't drive! Your license is suspended, remember?! If you get pulled over again, you're gonna go to jail for ten years!"
Randy,Alright... then you drive.
Stan,... I'm eight!
Randy,"This is my only hope, Stan! Either you drive this car or I will!"
Randy,"I sure hope this works. No. No, it will work! I have to put my faith in a higher power. I HAVE to believe that this will work!  There! There's the church! Stop right here, Stan!"
Stan,Where? I can't see.
Randy,"Right here is good! Brake pedal! Left pedal!  Alright, get my wheelchair out of the back."
Randy,Is this the line?  Oh God!  Is this whole line people waiting to be cured?
Man 5,Yeah. I was diagnosed with brain cancer two months ago. I feel like this is my only hope.
Randy,I know exactly how you feel. I've got alcoholism.
Stan,Oh my God...
Randy,"Wait a minute. Stan, isn't that Josh Garrett up there? He's from South Park. Maybe he'll let us in line with him."
Stan,"Dad, let's just wait our turn."
Randy,"I could die waiting in this line, Stan. Come on, let's go!  Heeey heh, Josh Garrett. How you doin'?"
Josh,"Oh, hey Randy. What happened to you??"
Randy,I've got a disease: Alcoholism. It's pretty serious. You?
Josh,Mm-my  daughter has elephantitis
Randy,"We are the same, she and I."
Man 6,"Eey, what do you think you're doin', kid?"
Old Woman,You're trying to cut in line!
Stan,"I just, my dad was-"
Man 7,You're a butter! You're a dirty line cutter!
Old Woman 2,Praise Jesus.
Randy,This is taking too long! I'm gonna run out of beer! Stan!
Stan,What?!
Randy,"You see that guy up there? I think he has a kidney disease. Every couple of minutes he gets out of line to go to the bathroom. When he leaves next, let's take his place."
Stan,"No, Dad, people will see!"
Randy,The guy behind him is blind! There he goes! C'mon! C'mon! Go go go!
Blind Man,Hey. I smell a butter.
Woman 3,"He did, that kid just cut in line!"
Man 8,"Back o'the line, butter!"
Randy,I'm going to die!
Stan,"Dad, we're going back!"
Officer,What's goin' on here?
Man 9,This kid's cutting in line!
Randy,"Please, officer, you have to understand. I need a miracle way more than these people. I'm an alcoholic, and I'm powerless over it."
Officer,"...I understand. My, my brother's an alcoholic. Here, let me push you to the front of the line."
Randy,"Oh bless you, sir! Bless you!  'Scuse me, out of the way, alcoholic coming through!  She's... beautiful.  Aaaah. AAAAAaaaaah!  I'm... not... going... to drink this. I'm not going to drink this!  It's a miracle! I'm cured!  Yoohoohoo! Praise Jesus! Praise Mary the Blessed Virgin Mother! Thank you! Thank you God!"
Randy,"Good morning, family. The Lord has truly blessed us with another beautiful day.  It's just amazing. I haven't had a drink in five days. Praise Christ. Praise him."
Stan,Praise Christ.
Shelly,Praise Christ.
Randy,"I've got another AA meeting today and guess where it's gonna be, Stan. At Whistlin' Willy's Pizza, so you can come with me."
Stan,"Naw, Dad, all the guys are going to Kyle's hosue to watch the Bronco game. Kenny and Kyle's Dads were hoping you'd come."
Randy,"Stan, those people drink. I have new friends now. My AA friends, who have faith in a higher power."
Group,"Yeah, all right, woohoo!"
Randy,Boy this lemonade is great! Who knew how fun being sober could be?!
Group,Yeah! That's right! Right!
Boy,Your dad doesn't drink either?
Stan,"No, my dad doesn't drink."
Boy,Does that mean we're friends?
Randy,"'Scuse me, I-I'd like to address the group if I may."
Michael,"Sure Randy, go ahead."
Randy,I'm Randy and I'm an alcoholic.
Group,Hi Randy.
Randy,But I put my faith in a higher power and... I haven't had a drink for five days now!
Field Reporter,An update from the bleeding Virgin Mary statue!
Randy,"Oh wait. Sh sh. Hold on a second, gang."
Field Reporter,"Earlier today, the new pope, Pope Benedict the 16th himself, visited the statue here in Bailey to witness the miracle firsthand.  It was an amazing sight to behold as Pope Benedict made his way through the throngs of people."
Cardinal Mallory,"Right this way, Your Holiness."
Field Reporter,"The pope then examined the statue closely.  After witnessing the phenomenon firsthand, the pope then cleaned himself off and then declared that the bleeding Virgin Mary statue is not a miracle!"
Randy,What?
Field Reporter,"Having investigated closely, the pope determined that the blood was not coming from the Virgin Mary's ass, but rather, from her vagina. And the pope said quote, ""A chick bleeding out her vagina is no miracle. Chicks bleed out their vagina's all the time.""  Back to you, Tom."
Tom,"Thanks, Edward, that's a very shocking report..."
Randy,"That means... I'm not cured. I still have the disease!  Bartender! I need a drink! Three shots of McAllen, two small bottles of vodka, three bottles of beer and some Jell-O shooters!  Come ON! Let's GO!"
Michael,"Randy, uh what are you doing?"
Randy,You heard what he said!  The higher power didn't cure me! I'm powerless again!
Man 10,"I'm, I'm, I'm powerless too!"
Man 11,Yeah me too!
Man 10,Get me seven martinis!
Man 12,Jack and Coke!
Stan,"Dad, Dad, Stop!"
Randy,"I'm sorry, son! I'm off the wagon!"
Stan,"Dad, you don't have to do this! You have the power. You haven't drank since seeing the statue."
Randy,But the statue wasn't a miracle!
Stan,"Yeah. The statue wasn't a miracle, Dad. So that means you did it. That means you didn't have a drink for five days all on your own."
Randy,"You're right, Stan. If God didn't make me stop drinking then... I did. Maybe... Maybe I can force myself to never drink again."
Stan,No!
Randy,No??
Stan,"Dad, you like to drink. So have a drink once in a while. Have two. If you devote your whole life to completely avoiding something you like, then that thing still controls your life and, 'n you've never learned any discipline at all."
Randy,"But, maybe... I'm just the kind of person who needs to have it all or nothing."
Stan,"Naw. All or nothing is easy. But learning to drink a little bit, responsibly, that'sa disciprine. Disciprine... come from within."
Randy,How did I manage to raise such a smart kid?
Stan,I've had a great teacher.
Randy,Thanks son.
Stan,"No not you, my karate teacher. He's really smart."
Randy,"Oh. Well, tell you what: let's leave the car here, walk home, and watch the game. Like to have another beer or two."
Stan,All right!
Randy,Come on!  Or maybe I'll have three beers.
Stan,That's probably okay if you spread it out.
Randy,Well how about four?
Stan,I think you're pushing it.
Randy,How about twenty?
Stan,That's not disciprine.
Randy,Right right. Does vodka count?
Stan,Dad!
