479 lines
17 KiB
Python
479 lines
17 KiB
Python
import numpy as np
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def limerick():
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limericks = [
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'Limericks I cannot compose,\n\
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With noxious smells in my nose.\n\
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But this one was easy,\n\
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I only felt queasy,\n\
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Because I was sniffing my toes.',
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\
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'There was a young woman named Bright,\n\
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Whose speed was much faster than light.\n\
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She set out one day,\n\
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In a relative way,\n\
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And returned on the previous night.',
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\
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'There was an odd fellow named Gus,\n\
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When traveling he made such a fuss.\n\
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He was banned from the train,\n\
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Not allowed on a plane,\n\
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And now travels only by bus.',
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\
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'There once was a fly on the wall,\n\
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I wonder, why didn’t it fall?\n\
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Because its feet stuck? Or was it just luck?\n\
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Or does gravity miss things so small?',
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\
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'There once was a man from Tibet,\n\
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Who couldn’t find a cigarette\n\
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So he smoked all his socks,\n\
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and got chicken-pox,\n\
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and had to go to the vet.',
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\
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'There was a young woman named Bright,\n\
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Whose speed was much faster than light.\n\
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She set out one day,\n\
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In a relative way,\n\
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And returned on the previous night.',
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\
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'I need a front door for my hall,\n\
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The replacement I bought was too tall.\n\
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So I hacked it and chopped it,\n\
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And carefully lopped it,\n\
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And now the dumb thing is too small',
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\
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'There once was a boy named Dan,\n\
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who wanted to fry in a pan.\n\
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He tried and he tried,\n\
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and eventually died,\n\
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that weird little boy named Dan.',
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\
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'A newspaperman named Fling,\n\
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Could make “copy” from any old thing.\n\
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But the copy he wrote,\n\
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Of a five-dollar note,\n\
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Was so good he now wears so much bling.',
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\
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'I know an old owl named Boo,\n\
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Every night he yelled Hoo,\n\
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Once a kid walked by,\n\
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And started to cry,\n\
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And yelled I don’t have a clue!',
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\
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'I once fell in love with a blonde,\n\
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But found that she wasn’t so fond.\n\
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Of my pet turtle named Odle,\n\
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whom I’d taught how to Yodel,\n\
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So she dumped him outside in the pond.',
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\
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'I’d rather have Fingers than Toes,\n\
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I’d rather have Ears than a Nose.\n\
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And as for my Hair,\n\
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I’m glad it’s all there,\n\
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I’ll be awfully sad, when it goes.',
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\
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'There was a Young Lady whose chin\n\
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Resembled the point of a pin:\n\
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So she had it made sharp,\n\
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And purchased a harp,\n\
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And played several tunes with her chin. (Edward Lear)',
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\
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'Hickory Dickory dock,\n\
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the mouse ran up the clock;\n\
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the clock struck one\n\
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and down he run;\n\
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hickory Dickory dock. (Charles Perrault)',
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\
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'There was a faith-healer of Deal,\n\
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Who said: “Although pain isn’t real,\n\
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If I sit on a pin\n\
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And it punctures my skin,\n\
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I dislike what I fancy I feel.',
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\
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'My dog is really quite hip,\n\
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Except when he takes a cold dip.\n\
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He looks like a fool,\n\
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when he jumps in the pool,\n\
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and reminds me of a sinking ship.',
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\
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'A painter, who lived in Great Britain,\n\
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Interrupted two girls with their knitting,\n\
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He said, with a sigh,\n\
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That park bench–well I,\n\
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Just painted it, right where you’re sitting.',
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\
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'There is a young schoolboy named Mason,\n\
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Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.\n\
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When he stands in one place,\n\
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With a scarf round his face,\n\
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It’s a mystery which way he’s facing.',
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\
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'There was a young schoolboy of Rye,\n\
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Who was baked by mistake in a pie.\n\
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To his mother’s disgust,\n\
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He emerged through the crust,\n\
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And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?',
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\
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'An elderly man called Keith,\n\
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Mislaid his set of false teeth.\n\
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They’d been laid on a chair,\n\
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He’d forgot they were there,\n\
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Sat down, and was bitten beneath.',
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\
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'There was an old man of Peru,\n\
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Who dreamt he was eating his shoe.\n\
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He woke in the night,\n\
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With a terrible fright,\n\
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And found it was perfectly true.',
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\
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'The incredible Wizard of Oz,\n\
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Retired from his business becoz.\n\
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Due to up-to-date science,\n\
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To most of his clients,\n\
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He wasn’t the Wizard he woz.',
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\
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'Once I visited France,\n\
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And learned a new, awesome dance.\n\
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I twirled,\n\
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And I swirled,\n\
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And Is it me or the nature of money,\n\
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That’s odd and particularly funny.\n\
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But when I have dough,\n\
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It goes quickly, you know,\n\
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And seeps out of my pockets like honey.\n\
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I lost my pants.',
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\
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'Is it me or the nature of money,\n\
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That’s odd and particularly funny.\n\
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But when I have dough,\n\
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It goes quickly, you know,\n\
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And seeps out of my pockets like honey.',
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\
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'There once was a farmer from Leeds,\n\
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Who swallowed a packet of seeds.\n\
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It soon came to pass,\n\
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He was covered with grass,\n\
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But has all the tomatoes he needs.',
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\
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'A fellow jumped off a high wall,\n\
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And had a most terrible fall.\n\
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He went back to bed,\n\
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With a bump on his head,\n\
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That’s why you don’t jump off a wall.',
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\
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'A man and his lady-love, Min,\n\
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Skated out where the ice was quite thin.\n\
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Had a quarrel, no doubt,\n\
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For I hear they fell out,\n\
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What a blessing they didn’t fall in!',
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\
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'There was a young lady of Cork,\n\
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Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.\n\
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He bought for his daughter,\n\
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A tutor who taught her,\n\
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To balance green peas on her fork.',
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\
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'There once was a Martian called Zed\n\
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With antennae all over his head.\n\
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He sent out a lot\n\
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Di-di-dash-di-dot\n\
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But nobody knew what he said!',
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\
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'There once was a girl named Sam\n\
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Who did not eat roast beef and ham\n\
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She ate a green apple\n\
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Then drank some Snapple\n\
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Some say she eats like a lamb.',
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\
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'Said the man with a wink of his eye\n\
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‘But I love you‘ and then the reply\n\
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From the girl, it was heard\n\
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‘You are truly absurd!\n\
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I have only this moment walked by!’',
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\
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'A wonderful bird is the Pelican.\n\
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His beak can hold more than his belly can.\n\
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He can hold in his beak\n\
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Enough food for a week!\n\
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But I’ll be darned if I know how the hellican?',
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\
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'There was once a great man in Japan\n\
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Whose name on Tuesday began,\n\
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It lasted through Sunday\n\
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Till twilight on Monday\n\
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And it sounded like stones in a can.',
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\
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'There was a young man so benighted\n\
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He never knew when he was slighted;\n\
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He would go to a party\n\
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And eat just as hearty,\n\
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As if he’d been really invited.',
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\
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'There was an old man from Sudan,\n\
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Whose limericks never would scan.\n\
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When told this was so,\n\
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He said, ‘yes, I know.\n\
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‘But I always try to get as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can.’',
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\
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'A maiden at college, Miss Breeze,\n\
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Weighed down by B.A.s and Lit.D’s,\n\
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Collapsed from the strain,\n\
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Said her doctor, “It’s plain\n\
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You are killing yourself—by degrees!”',
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\
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'A canner, exceedingly canny,\n\
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One morning remarked to his granny,\n\
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“A canner can can\n\
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Anything that he can;\n\
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But a canner can’t can a can, can he?”',
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\
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'A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd\n\
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She was frightened—it must be allowed.\n\
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Soon a happy thought hit her—\n\
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To scare off the critter,\n\
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She sat up in bed and meowed.',
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\
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'There was a young woman named Kite,\n\
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Whose speed was much faster than light,\n\
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She set out one day,\n\
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In a relative way,\n\
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And returned on the previous night.',
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\
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'A flea and a fly in a flue,\n\
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Were imprisoned, so what could they do?\n\
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Said the fly, “Let us flee!”\n\
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“Let us fly,” said the flea,\n\
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And they flew through a flaw in the flue.',
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\
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'A major, with wonderful force,\n\
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Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.\n\
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All the flowers looked round,\n\
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But no horse could be found;\n\
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So he just rhododendron, of course.',
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\
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'A nifty young flapper named Jane\n\
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While walking was caught in the rain.\n\
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She ran–almost flew,\n\
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Her complexion did too,\n\
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And she reached home exceedingly plain.',
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\
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'“There’s a train at 4:04,” said Miss Jenny.\n\
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“Four tickets I’ll take; have you any?”\n\
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Said the man at the door,\n\
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“Not four for 4:04,\n\
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For four for 4:04 is too many.”',
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\
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'A canny young fisher named Fisher\n\
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Once fished from the edge of a fissure.\n\
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A fish with a grin\n\
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Pulled the fisherman in—\n\
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Now they’re fishing the fissure for Fisher.',
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\
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'Here’s to the chigger,\n\
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The bug that’s no bigger\n\
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Than the point of an undersized pin;\n\
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But the welt that he raises\n\
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Sure itches like blazes,\n\
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And that’s where the rub comes in!',
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\
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'A cheerful old bear at the Zoo\n\
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Could always find something to do.\n\
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When it bored him, you know,\n\
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To walk to and fro,\n\
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He reversed it and walked fro and to.',
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\
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'The bottle of perfume that Willie sent\n\
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Was highly displeasing to Millicent;\n\
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Her thanks were so cold\n\
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They quarreled, I’m told,\n\
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Through that silly scent Willie sent Millicent.',
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\
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'I bought a new Hoover today,\n\
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Plugged it in in the usual way,\n\
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Switched it on – what a din;\n\
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It sucked everything in,\n\
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Now I’m homeless with no place to stay.',
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\
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'A crossword compiler named Moss\n\
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Who found himself quite at a loss\n\
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When asked, ‘Why so blue?’\n\
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Said, ‘I haven’t a clue\n\
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I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.’',
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\
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'I’m papering walls in the loo\n\
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And quite frankly I haven’t a clue;\n\
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For the pattern’s all wrong\n\
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(Or the paper’s too long)\n\
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And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.',
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\
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'There once was an old man of Esser,\n\
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Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,\n\
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It at last grew so small\n\
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He knew nothing at all\n\
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And now he’s a college professor.',
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\
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'To compose a sonata today,\n\
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Don’t proceed in the old-fashioned way:\n\
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With your toes on the keys,\n\
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Bang the floor with your knees:\n\
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“Oh how modern!” the critics will say.',
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\
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'There was a young lady named Perkins,\n\
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Who just simply doted on gherkins.\n\
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In spite of advice,\n\
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She ate so much spice,\n\
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That she pickled her internal workins’.',
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\
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'There was an old man of Nantucket\n\
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Who kept all his cash in a bucket;\n\
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But his daughter, named Nan\n\
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Ran away with a man —\n\
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And as far as the bucket, Nantucket.',
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\
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'There was a young lady of Kent,\n\
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Whose nose was most awfully bent.\n\
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She followed her nose\n\
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One day, I suppose —\n\
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And no one knows which way she went.',
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\
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'There was a young lady named Hannah,\n\
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Who slipped on a peel of banana.\n\
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As she lay on her side,\n\
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More stars she espied\n\
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Than there are in the Star-Spangled Banner.',
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\
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'There was a dear lady of Eden,\n\
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Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;\n\
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She gave one to Adam,\n\
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Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”\n\
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And then both skedaddled from Eden.',
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\
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'A certain young fellow named Bee-Bee\n\
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Wished to wed a woman named Phoebe.\n\
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“But,” he said, “I must see\n\
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What the clerical fee\n\
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Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Bee-Bee',
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\
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'Remember when nearly sixteen\n\
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On your very first date as a teen\n\
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At the movies? If yes,\n\
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Then I bet you can’t guess\n\
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What was shown on the cinema screen.',
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\
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'There was an old person of Fratton\n\
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Who would go to church with his hat on.\n\
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‘If I wake up,’ he said,\n\
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‘With a hat on my head,\n\
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I will know that it hasn’t been sat on.’',
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\
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'My neighbor came over to say\n\
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(Although not in a neighborly way)\n\
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That he’d knock me around\n\
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If I didn’t curb the sound\n\
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Of the classical music I play.',
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\
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'I told him, “Get out of my place\n\
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You’re an utter uncultured disgrace;\n\
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You’re a simpleton loon.\n\
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Don’t you know a good tune?”\n\
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Then he walloped me square in the face.',
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\
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'There was a young man from Dealing\n\
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Who caught the bus for Ealing.\n\
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It said on the door\n\
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‘Don’t spit on the floor’\n\
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So he jumped up and spat on the ceiling',
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\
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'As 007 walked by\n\
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He heard a wee spider say, “Hi.”\n\
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But shaken, he shot\n\
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It right there on the spot\n\
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As it tried to explain, “I’m a spi …”',
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\
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'A tutor who tooted the flute\n\
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Tried to tutor two tooters to toot\n\
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Said the two to the tutor\n\
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“Is it tougher to toot or\n\
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To tutor two tooters to toot?”',
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\
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'No woodsman would cut a wood, would he\n\
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If woods would be woodless – nor should he.\n\
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Yet no woodcutter would\n\
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Cut a woody-wood wood\n\
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If no woodsmen cut woody woods, would he?',
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\
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'There once was a man from the sticks\n\
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Who loved to compose limericks\n\
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But he failed at his sport\n\
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They were always too short\n\
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Parade Daily\n\
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Celebrity interviews, recipes and health tips delivered to your inbox.',
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\
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'A poet whose friends called him Steve\n\
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Once showed quite a will to achieve\n\
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His skill grew so strong\n\
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That his poems grew long\n\
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And he sadly was forced to abbrev.',
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\
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'If you catch a chinchilla in Chile\n\
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And cut off its beard, willy-nilly\n\
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You can honestly say\n\
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That you have just made\n\
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A Chilean chinchilla’s chin chilly',
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\
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'There once was a man named Muvett\n\
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Who lived in the city of Lovett\n\
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But his car broke down\n\
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Two miles out of town\n\
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And Muvett had to shove it to Lovett!',
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\
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'There once was a beautiful nurse\n\
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Who carried an ugly old purse\n\
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But she tripped on the door\n\
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And fell on the floor\n\
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And they both went away in the hearse.',
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\
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'There was a young girl from Flynn\n\
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Who was so terribly thin\n\
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When she sipped lemonade\n\
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Through a straw in the shade\n\
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She slipped through the straw and fell in!',
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\
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'There once was a man from Gorem\n\
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Had a pair of tight pants and he wore ’em\n\
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When he bowed with a grin\n\
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A draft of air rushed in\n\
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And he knew by the sound that he tore ’em!',
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\
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'There once was a man from the city\n\
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Stooped to pat what he thought was a kitty\n\
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He gave it a pat\n\
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But it wasn’t a cat-\n\
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They buried his clothes – what a pity!',
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\
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'There once was a gal from Decatur\n\
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Who went to sing in a the-a-ter\n\
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But the poor little thing\n\
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When she started to sing\n\
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Got hit by a rotten termater! (tomato)',
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\
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'What happens when you retire?\n\
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You really don’t have to inquire –\n\
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No job and no phone\n\
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There’s no place but home,\n\
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And your checkbook’s about to expire!',
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\
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'At times I’m so mad that I’m hopping.\n\
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My angriness sets my veins popping.\n\
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I yell and I curse,\n\
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With swear words diverse,\n\
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But my wife does much worse: she goes shopping',
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\
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'One Saturday morning at three,\n\
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A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.\n\
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Collapsed to the ground,\n\
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With a thunderous sound,\n\
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Leaving only a pile of de brie.'
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]
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return np.random.choice(limericks)
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