cartman/train/data/train.csv

1	name	line
2	Stan	You guys, you guys! Chef is going away.
3	Kyle	Going away? For how long?
4	Stan	Forever.
5	Chef	I'm sorry boys.
6	Stan	Chef said he's been bored, so he joining a group called the Super Adventure Club.
7	Chef	Wow!
8	Mrs. Garrison	Chef?? What kind of questions do you think adventuring around the world is gonna answer?!
9	Chef	What's the meaning of life? Why are we here?
10	Mrs. Garrison	I hope you're making the right choice.
11	Cartman	I'm gonna miss him. I'm gonna miss Chef and I...and I don't know how to tell him!
12	Stan	Dude, how are we gonna go on? Chef was our fuh...f-ffriend.
13	Mayor McDaniels	And we will all miss you, Chef, but we know you must do what your heart tells you..
14	Jimbo	Bye-bye!
15	Gerald	Good-bye!
16	Mr. Mackey	So long!
17	A Man	So long, Chef!
18	A Sign-Holder	Good-bye, Chef!
19	Randy	Good-bye, Chef! Have a great time with the Super Adventure Club!
20	Chef	Good-bye! ..
21	Kyle	Draw two card, fatass.
22	Cartman	Reverse to you, Jew.
23	Stan	I'll get it.
24	Chef	Hello there, children!
25	Stan	He's back!
26	Kyle	Yeah!
27	Cartman	All right!
28	Kyle	Chef! I can't believe you're back!
29	Chef	Well, it's true.
30	Stan	But are you back for good?
31	Chef	That's right.
32	Mrs. Garrison	Hey everybody! Chef's back!
33	Patrons	What? All right! Yeah!
34	Randy	Oh, finally!
35	Gerald	Wow! It seems like you had a great time with the Super Adventure Club, Chef. They sound like really interesting people.
36	Chef	Yeah!
37	Mrs. Garrison	But now that you're back here, does that mean that you're not in the Super Adventure Club anymore?
38	Chef	Nnono!
39	Randy	Ohhh, so have you decided you can still belong to the Super Adventure Club but live here in South Park again?
40	Chef	That's right.
41	Randy	Well, it seems like the Super Adventure Club was just what you needed, Chef. You must be feeling very happy that you found a club to belong to with new friends, but that you can also live here in South Park with all your old friends whom you care for deeply. Right?
42	Chef	That's right. Randy!
43	Jimbo	Well Chef, you're welcome to stay with me until you buy another house.
44	Chef	Thank you. Jimbo.
45	Randy	Well, come on everybody. I'm sure Chef would like a little time to get moved back in.
46	Chef	That's right! Thank you. Good-bye- Everybody.
47	Townsfolk	Later. Great to have you back. Bye-bye. See ya Chef. See you later. Bye-bye
48	Kyle	Well, I- guess we'll see you in school tomorrow, Chef.
49	Chef	You bet! Good-bye. Children!
50	Stan	Right. Uh, see ya.
51	Cartman	Uh, guys? Did Chef seem a little, uh, trippy to you?
52	Stan	Well, look. he said he's happier now. Maybe he just needs to rest up a little.
53	Kyle	Yeah. I'm sure whatever that Super Adventure Club does is pretty tiring.
54	Stan	Yeah, but whatever, I'm just glad he's back for good.
55	Kenny	Yeah, me too.
56	A Boy	It's really weird what he said. I don't know, it kind of confused me.
57	Cartman	Oh boy oh boy, I can't wait to have Chef's lunch food again.
58	Kyle	Yeah. I hope he makes his Salisbury steak with buttered noodles!
59	Clyde	You guys, you guys.
60	Stan	What?
61	Clyde	Something's wrong with Chef. He's saying some really weird stuff.
62	Kyle	Like what?
63	Clyde	I think... I think he wants to have sex with me.
64	Stan	What??
65	Clyde	I gotta- I gotta go.
66	Kyle	Weirdo.
67	Chef	Hello there, children!
68	The Boys	Hey Chef.
69	Chef	How's it goin'?
70	Kyle	Good.
71	Chef	Well, how about I meet you boys after work and we make love?
72	Cartman	Excuse me?
73	Chef	Come on, children! You're my sexual fantasy. Let's all make sweet love.
74	Kyle	...Chef?? A-are you okay?
75	Chef	I want to stick my balls inside your rectum, Kyle.
76	Stan	Dude, what are you saying??
77	Chef	I'm gonna make love to your asshole, children.
78	Stan	...WHAT??
79	Det. Jarvis	Hi kids, I'm Detective Jarvis. I need to ask you all some difficult questions about your school cafeteria chef.
80	Kyle	This doesn't make any sense!
81	Det. Jarvis	We have some information that all this time Chef has been and still is a pedophile.
82	Stan	No, he's not.
83	Det. Jarvis	Uh huh.
84	Stan	No, he's not.
85	Det. Jarvis	Yeah, yeah he is so.
86	Butters	What's a pedophile?
87	Det. Jarvis	Now, we need some testimony in order to arrest Chef, so I'm gonna use this doll to ask you kids a few questions. Did Chef ever touch any of you... here?
88	Stan	NO!
89	Det. Jarvis	Okay, did he touch you here?
90	The Class	NO!
91	Det. Jarvis	Did he ever do this? How about this?
92	Butters	My Uncle Bud did that to me once!
93	Det. Jarvis	Did Chef ever try one of these on for size?
94	Kyle	Goddammit, Chef isn't like that! Something funny is going on around here!
95	Det. Jarvis	Young man, will you PLEASE pay attention! This is very important stuff! Ohhh. Ohhhhhh.
96	Chef	Hello there, children!
97	Kyle	Chef, the police are asking questions about you!
98	Chef	Oh really? Well, let's all go home and make love.
99	Stan	No, Chef, we don't wanna make love to you!
100	Chef	Kenny, how would you like to sodomize my black ass
101	Kyle	Chef, CHEF! You need to get out of here before you get arrested, all right?!
102	Chef	I specializes in your asshole, Kyle.
103	Cartman	...Man, I can't believe all this time, Chef just wanted us for sex.
104	Kyle	He didn't want us for sex, fatass! Something is making him say those things.
105	Kenny	Like what?
106	Kyle	Something must have happened to Chef while he was gone. Maybe he hit his head or, or got stuck in some quantum time vortex.
107	Stan	Well look: he spent the last three months with that adventurers' club. Maybe they know what happened to him.
108	Kenny	Yeah! I think...
109	Cartman	Yeah!
110	Kyle	All right, come on guys!
111	Cartman	Hey you guys, you know what they call a Jewish woman's boobs? Jewbs.
112	Butler	May I help you.
113	Kyle	Ahh, hi, can we speak to the head guy or something?
114	Butler	Right this way.
115	Head Adventurer	Now, the upper rim of Kilimanjaro should be quite a trek, and so we'll need to have a-
116	Butler	Excuse me, sir. These boys wanted to speak with you.
117	Head Adventurer	Ahh yes, splendid! Good afternoon, lads! I'm Head Adventurer William P. Connolly, Esquire! Welcome, to the Super Adventure Club!
118	Club Members	Tally ho!
119	Mr. Connolly	Indeed!
120	Kyle	Uh, hi. Our friend joined your club a while back, and now he wants to molest kids.
121	Mr. Connolly	What? Well... well yes, of course! That's what the Super Adventure Club does!
122	Cartman	...Huh?
123	Marksman	We travel the world and have sex with children!
124	Marine	Yes, what else would we do?
125	Kyle	Well, we thought you went exploring and like, hunting and stuff!
126	Mr. Connolly	Noo, no, that's the Adventure Club. We're the Super Adventure Club! Next week, we'll be heading to the outer banks of the Amazon, where we will make camp and have sex with children of the Ugani tribe, then it's off to the mighty Himalayas, where we will climb K-2, and molest several Tibetan children on the east summit.
127	Kyle	...Dude!
128	Mr. Connolly	I know, but it gets even better! From there we will kayak to the fruitful banks of the Mele River in Africa, where the secret and mysterious Hanimi people have children who have never seen a white man's erect penis. Of course, we're always looking for kids to have sex with on the plane rides over to these places, so how would you ALL like to join the Super Adventure Club!
129	Stan	NO!!
130	Mr. Connolly	No? Oh really? Perhaps I should ask you again? How would you like to join the Super Adventure Club?
131	Stan	No!
132	Kyle	Dude, what are you doing?!
133	Mr. Connolly	Oh well, it doesn't work on everybody. Well, so long then.
134	Kyle	Just what the hell is that thing?!
135	Mr. Connolly	What? What thing? I don't see anything.
136	Kyle	HA! I knew it!
137	Stan	Knew what?
138	Kyle	The reason Chef has been saying those terrible things about us is because he's been brainwashed! By this- fruity little club!
139	Cartman	Oh, son of a bitch!
140	Chef	Come on, children. Let's all go home and make love.
141	Stan	You need to see a psychiatrist, Chef. It's for your own good.
142	Chef	I just like to make love up your butt.
143	Woman	Oh my God!
144	Nurse	Mr. Chef, is it?
145	Kyle	All right, come on.
146	Dr. Neeland	Hello, I'm Dr. Neeland. What can I do for you today?
147	Kyle	Hi, uh- our friend has been brainwashed by some fruity little club.
148	Dr. Neeland	Brainwashed.
149	Stan	Yeah, he joined the Super Adventure Club, and they convinced him having sex with children was okay with a little thing that goes whrrrrrr.
150	Dr. Neeland	I thought that club was for hiking and kayaking.
151	Stan	No, that's the Adventure Club. The Super Adventure Club has sex with children.
152	Dr. Neeland	Oh. ...Oh, that's right, yeah.
153	Chef	Doctor, do you have- children?
154	Dr. Neeland	Why, yes, I have two young boys.
155	Chef	Have you all been sodomizing your children too?
156	Dr. Neeland	You say he's never been like this before?
157	Cartman	No, Chef has always been super-cool.
158	Chef	I'm gonna make love to the children.
159	Dr. Neeland	He's pretty brainwashed all right. Worst case I've ever seen.
160	Cartman	So what can we do??
161	Dr. Neeland	I'm afraid there's no simple answer. When somebody's brainwashed it can take months, even years, to reverse the process.
162	Kyle	But we don't have years! If Chef keeps this up, he's gonna go to jail forever!
163	Dr. Neeland	Tell me, what was Chef's favorite thing to do before it was having sex with children?
164	Stan	Having sex with women.
165	Dr. Neeland	Then that's it. We'd better get your friend to the Peppermint Hippo right away.
166	DJ	All right guys, be sure to tip the waitresses; this is two for one; put your hands together, this is Monique!
167	Chef	Aw, come on, children. Let's go home.
168	Stan	This isn't working.
169	Dr. Neeland	Well let's... give it some more time, kids.
170	Stripper	Would you like to daaance???
171	Kyle	No thanks. We're trying to unbrainwash our friend.
172	Stripper	Daaance??? Anybody wanna daaance???
173	Cartman	Come on, bitch! Dance!
174	Blonde	Up yours, fatty.
175	Cartman	Bitch, I'll twist your nuts off!
176	DJ	All right guys, help me feel it out to them; we got a featured dancer coming out next; put your hands together for... Spontaneous Bootay!
177	Stan	Come on guys, we might as well go.
178	Chef	God-damn!
179	Stan	Chef, we're leaving.
180	Dr. Neeland	Nono, wait. Let him go.
181	Spontaneous Bootay	Come here, chubby.
182	Chef	Wait a minute.
183	Stan	He's remembering.
184	Chef	Children! What have I done?
185	Cartman	It's okay Chef. Go on, remember!
186	Chef	I'm goinna- I'm gonna-
187	Kyle	Come on, Chef! You can do it!
188	Chef	I'm gonna make love to you woman, 'gonna lay you down by the fire!
189	The Boys	Yay!
190	Kenny	Chef!
191	Chef	Hey children, everybody! I'm back! Ow.
192	Mr. Connolly	Great shot, William! Hit him with another.
193	Chef	Oh!
194	The Boys	Chef!
195	Mr. Connolly	Tally ho, lads! I must say you're starting to become quite a thorn in my balls.
196	Stan	Where's Chef?! What have you done with him?!
197	Mr. Connolly	He's safe. He's fasting in the Deprivation Room and being read the Super Adventure Club manual. We've got to undo the damage you've done.
198	Cartman	Look: If you wanna go around the world molesting kids, that's totally fine. But why do you need Chef?!
199	Mr. Connolly	We don't need him, he needs us! Our club offers hope. Do you think we go around the world molesting children just because it feels really really really really good?! No! Our club has a message! And a secret that explains the mysteries of life!
200	Stan	Oh Jesus, here we go.
201	Mr. Connolly	Very well. I'm now going to tell you the secret of the Super Adventure Club.
202	Stan	We don't wanna hear it.
203	Mr. Connolly	You see, the Super Adventure Club was founded by the greatest explorer of all time, William P. Phinehas! Phinehas climbed the highest peaks, tamed the mightiest rivers, but every time he got somewhere, he realized that other explorers had beat him to it. Phinehas was depressed, until he realized that if he couldn't be the first to discover places, he could be the first to have sex with the native children that inhabited those areas! Phinehas quickly went down in history books as the first man to have sex with the Aborigine children at Uluru, and the first explorer to bugger all the underage mountainfolk of Nepal. But now the most wonderful part. You see, after having sex with all those children, Phinehas realized that... molesting all those kids... had made him immortal.
204	Stan	Immortal.
205	Mr. Connolly	He discovered that children have things called marlocks in their bodies. And when an adult has sex with a child, the marlocks implode, feeding the adult receptive cavity with energy that causes immortality, so saith the ruler of Bethos. Phinehas traveled the world, loving many, many children, and he lived for eternity. Until he was hit by a train in 1892.
206	Kyle	...Do you realize how retarded that sounds?
207	Mr. Connolly	Is it any more retarded than the idea of God sending his son to die for our sins? Is it any more retarded than Buddha sitting beneath a tree for twenty years?
208	Stan	Yeah, it's way, way more retarded.
209	Mr. Connolly	Well, now that you know our club secrets, it appears you ... leave us no choice. I'm afraid we're going to have to... ask you to leave.
210	Stan	We're not leaving without Chef.
211	Mr. Connolly	If you choose not to leave, then I'm afraid we're just going to have to ... call security and make you leave. You'll be let out by security and it will be super-embarrassing and everyone here will see! Okay, you know how like, when you want people to leave but they won't leave, it's really frustrating?
212	Kyle	We're not going anywhere without Chef.
213	Mr. Connolly	Cool people leave before they've overstayed their welcome. You petulant fools! You just had to push it, didn't you? You don't realize who you're dealing with here. Security! Take these boys to the door.
214	Guard 1	All right, come on kids.
215	Kyle	No! Hey!
216	Mr. Connolly	Haha! Look they're being led out by security! Haha!
217	Stan	No, you don't understand! They've got our friend in the Deprivation Room!
218	Guard 2	This is their house and they don't want you here.
219	Kyle	Sorry, dude, but this fruity little club isn't taking our friend!
220	William	And sex with Eskimo children requires some special skills.
221	Kyle	Chef, come on!
222	Chef	Children!
223	William	Get out of here!
224	Cartman	Kenny! Spin Blossom Nut Squash!
225	Kenny	Yeeeeehah!
226	Stan	Come on, Chef!
227	Chef	I can't... break these locks.
228	Kyle	Here!
229	Cartman	Run Chef!
230	Mr. Connolly	What the-? Impossible! I made them leave!
231	Kyle	Get outside!
232	Mr. Connolly	Stop them!
233	Chef	Children! Run!
234	Mr. Connolly	Stop!
235	Stan	We made it!
236	Mr. Connolly	Don't you remember why you left South Park in the first place??
237	Stan	Chef, come on!
238	Mr. Connolly	You sought adventure! And why do people seek adventure? Because their lives have become dull and empty!
239	Kyle	Yeah, he wanted adventure! Not a bunch of ridiculous bullcrap! Right Chef? Chef?
240	Mr. Connolly	Don't forget all your training, Chef! Stay with us and your life will be GRAND and ETERNAL!
241	Stan	Chef, we love you.
242	Chef	I'm sorry children.
243	Kyle	No! Chef, they've filled your head with lies! Can't you see that??
244	Chef	Get the hell out of here, children!!
245	Mr. Connolly	Yesss. Looks like our fruity little club is safe after all. NO!
246	The Boys	Chef!
247	Chef	Ack. Ow! Oh! Ah! Oh! Dammit! Ah- Awww!
248	Stan	NO!
249	Cartman	A mountain lion!
250	Mr. Connolly	We can't lose another member! Shoot it!
251	Chef	Ah!
252	Marksman	All right, this!
253	Kyle	CHEF!
254	Cartman	A grizzly bear!
255	Stan	Oh my God... They killed Chef.
256	Kyle	You bastards. YOU BASTARDS!
257	Mr. Connolly	Pity. He would have made an excellent child molester.
258	Cartman	Maybe- maybe he's still okay. No, really. They say the last thing you do before you die is crap your-
259	Chef	POOOT!
260	Cartman	Oh never mind.
261	Stan	Come on, let's go.
262	Kyle	We're all here today because Chef has been such an important part of our lives. A lot of us don't agree with the choices Chef has made in the past few days. Some of us... feel hurt... and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us. But we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories of how much Chef made us smile. I'm gonna remember Chef as the jolly old guy who always broke into song. I'm gonna remember Chef... as the guy who gave us advice to live by. So you see, we shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us. We should be mad at that little fruity club for scrambling his brains.
263	Randy	Yeah.
264	Mr. Mackey	He's right.
265	Kyle	And in the end, I know that somewhere out there... there's the good part of Chef... that's still alive in us all.
266	Mr. Connolly	Is it working? Is it working?
267	Tech	Yes. We've got a pulse!
268	Mr. Connolly	Get him in the ICU suit! Hurry! We have done it! Good! Raise him up! Chef, can you hear me? Say something.
269	Darth Chef	Hello there, children. How would you like some Salisbury steak?
270	Mr. Connolly	Yes, go on.
271	Darth Chef	And for desert, how would you children like to suck on my chocolate salty balls?
272	Mr. Connolly	Oh? You mean like a chocolate candy?
273	Darth Chef	No, I mean my balls.
274	Mr. Connolly	Yes, YES! Hahahahahahaaa!
275	Gerald	Hey there, Richard!
276	Richard	Oh, hey Gerald. New car?
277	Gerald	Yeah. It's a hybrid. I just... I just couldn't sit back and- be a part of destroying the earth anymore.
278	Richard	Well... Good for you.
279	Gerald	Oho... Thanks.
280	Stephen	Well, there goes the new high-and-mighty Gerald Broflovski.
281	Mrs. Garrison	Yeah, ever since he got that new hybrid he thinks he's better than everyone else.
282	Gerald	You know, the emissions from a vehicle like yours causes irreparable damage to the ozone. I drive a hybrid; it's much better for the environment. Thanks.
283	Kyle	Dad, can we go home? All you ever do since you got this car is drive around and show it off!
284	Driver	Hey, is that a hybrid?
285	Gerald	Oh yes. You've got one too, I see.
286	Driver	Yeah, I like to be a part of the solution and not part of the problem. Well, anyway, good for you!
287	Gerald	Thanks.
288	Kyle	Dad, I think Ike is starving to death.
289	Gerald	Hold on, boys. We still have to go to the hardware store, and hand out awareness citations to SUV cars in the parking lot.
290	Kyle	What?!
291	Gerald	Okay, there's another one. Aw, man! Look at that! Can you believe this?! An SUV with a V8 engine, makes me sick! "Ticket for driving a gas-guzzler"
292	Kyle	Dad, can we go home, please?
293	Gerald	Look, there's a Jeep over there! Go write them a ticket, Kyle!
294	Kyle	But Dad, I want-
295	Gerald	NOW, KYLE!
296	Stan	Oh hey Kyle.
297	Kyle	Aw, hey dude. What are you doing here?
298	Stan	Helping my Dad pick out some cool new power tools. What are you doing?
299	Kyle	Helping my Dad give people fake tickets.
300	Randy	What's this?
301	Gerald	Oh! Sorry Randy. Looks like you got a ticket.
302	Randy	A ticket? "Failure to care about the environment" Oh Goddammit, did you do this, Gerald?!
303	Gerald	Yeah. I'm just, you know, trying to make people more aware ya' know, it's a-
304	Randy	You got some nerve, you know that?! Where do you come off ticketing people?!
305	Gerald	Well, Randy, calm down. It's not a real ticket.
306	Randy	I know it's not a real ticket!!
307	Jimbo	Broflovski, did you put this crap on my windshield?!
308	Gerald	Jimbo, your truck probably gets less than ten miles to the gallon.
309	Jimbo	Well thanks, Officer Dickhole!
310	Kyle	Dad, let's just go!
311	Gerald	Look, I'm just trying to make the people of South Park aware of a very serious problem.
312	Randy	The problem, Gerald, is that ever since you got a hybrid car, you've gotten so smug that you love the smell of your own farts!
313	Gerald	Oh! I'm sorry! I didn't think it was "high and mighty" to care about the earth!
314	Randy	And that too! Stop talking with your eyes closed! That's what smug people do!
315	Gerald	Well, I really don't see how that has anything to do with the-
316	Randy	There, like that! Stop that!
317	Darryl	Who the hell put this faggy fake ticket on my truck!
318	Gerald	All right, that does it! Come on, Kyle, I don't want you hanging around with these ignorant idiots!
319	Gerald	Yeah. Yeah, I think it's best we just do it right away.
320	Kyle	Dad. Dad, Ike and I have been talking, and well, we feel that your new car is changing you.
321	Gerald	Yes, it certainly is.
322	Kyle	We're thinking that a lot of people in town starting too...
323	Ike	Take offense.
324	Kyle	...a-are starting to take offense at your actions. We feel like you're starting to become-hmm...
325	Ike	Alienated.
326	Kyle	...star-starting to become alienated from some of your friends.
327	Gerald	Well, I totally agree, Kyle.
328	Kyle	You do??
329	Gerald	Yes. A lot of people in town just aren't ready to drive hybrid cars.
330	Kyle	Righ! Okay, good.
331	Gerald	And that's why, I've talked it over with your mother, and ...we've decided to MOVE!
332	Kyle	What??
333	Gerald	We need to be where everyone is motivated and progressive like us! Start getting your things packed, boys! The Broflovksi family is moving to San Francisco!
334	Stan	Yeah?
335	Butters	Uh hay, Stan. Uh you should come on over. Uh they're havin' a goin'-away party for Kyle.
336	Stan	Going away party? What do you mean?
337	Butters	Well don't you know? Kyle's movin' away.
338	Stan	Moving away?? Kyle can't move away!
339	Butters	Well he is.
340	Stan	Where's the going-away party?
341	Butters	At Cartman's house.
342	Cartman	Hey everybody! There's more pop in the refrigerator. Let's make this the best going-away party EVER!
343	Token	Hey Eric, where's Kyle?
344	Cartman	Who?
345	Clyde	Kyle, the person leaving.
346	Cartman	Kyle? Why would I invite Kyle?
347	Craig	Dude, a going-away party is supposed to be for the person who is going away!
348	Stan	Kyle? Kyle!
349	Clyde	Kyle's not here. Cartman didn't invite him.
350	Stan	What?!
351	Cartman	You guys, this is our party. That no-good back-stabbing Jew rat is finally leaving! Come on, everyone! Let's sing! 'Nanana na! Nanana na! Hey hey hey! Goodbye Kyle!
352	Stan	Kyle! Du-what is going on?!
353	Kyle	My Dad says he can't live here anymore.
354	Stan	Mr. Broflovski, please. Kyle's my best friend.
355	Gerald	I'm sorry, Stan, but unfortunately you live in a small-minded town filled with ignorant boobs.
356	Stan	Well... Maybe they'll change.
357	Gerald	I wouldn't count on it. Come on, boys, get in the car!
358	Stan	Nooo!
359	Gerald	Maybe you can make a difference, Stan. Maybe you can get everyone to drive hybrid cars. Until that day, we're just gonna have to be with our own kind.
360	Stan	I will. I will get everyone to drive hybrid cars! I swear it!
361	Gerald	Well? What do you think, huh?
362	Sheila	Oh Gerald, it's beautiful.
363	Gerald	Yeah. Now THIS, is a house.
364	Man	Oh hello there, you must be the new neighbors.
365	Gerald	Yes that's right. We're the Broflovskis.
366	Man	Welcome to San Francisco. I'm Peter Thompson. This is my wife, Nancy Jarvis, and our son, Brian Thompson-Jarvis So how do you like the neighborhood?
367	Sheila	Oh it's gorgeous. These old houses are so neat.
368	Peter	Yes, well, unlike most cities, in San Francisco we try to keep all the historic houses instead of knocking them down.
369	Man 2	You in here, Peter?
370	Peter	Oh hay, Paul. Come on in and meet the Broflovskis
371	Paul	Hello there. I'm Paul McDonahue. This is my wife, Paulie Beaumont-McCallahan, and our daughter, Mindy McDonahue-Beaumont-McCallahan
372	Gerald and Sheila	Hello.
373	Paul	We noticed your hybrid out front - that's a V series, right?
374	Gerald	Yeah. That's right.
375	Peter	Whoa, nice car, but we're gonna have to get you into the BT series Its emissions are actually cleaner.
376	Gerald	Wow, so, everyone here drives a hybrid, huh?
377	Peter	Oh, of course. We're a little more progressive and ahead of the curve here in San Francisco. Ahhhm. Anyway, I'm sure you'll find it much better here.
378	Paul	Yes, you'll find that San Francisco is pretty much more open-minded and grown-up than the Midwest. Ahhh, ahh, ahh. We're just a little bit more protective of our environment here in San Francisco
379	Gerald	Yeah. We sure are.
380	Stan	Come on, people. Come on, people now.
381	Cartman	Dude, what are you doing?
382	Stan	I'm writing a song about the importance of hybrid cars, so maybe people will change their ways.
383	Cartman	THAT's gay, heh.
384	Stan	Well if I have any chance of getting Kyle back, I have to get people to stop driving SUVs!
385	Cartman	Why do you want Kyle back?? Don't you see how awesome it is without him?
386	Stan	You know, Cartman, you may be stoked now, but I bet you're gonna find that withuot Kyle around to rip on, your life is empty, and hollow.
387	Cartman	Psh! Whatever dude. I don't need Kyle to rip on, I've got Butters. Come on, Butters, you stupid Jew!
388	Butters	Yeah! I'm a dumb Jew.
389	Stan	Come on, people. Come on, people now.
390	DJ	All right, all you dreamers and creamers out there out there in South Park, I'm gonna play a song by a local artist that really made me think about my impact on the earth. This is Stan Marsh with "Hey, People, You've Gotta Drive Hybrids Already".
391	Stan	Come on now, people now people now'People now, come on now, people nowGot to drive hybrids, people nowPeople now, people now, people nowHybrids are for people now, people nowGroup of people driving people nowGet a hybrid, be good people now.
392	Customer	He's right.
393	Stan	We have all got to be people nowPeople-driving-hybrid people nowPeople now, people now, hybrid nowHybrid-people-driving people now.Come on, people, let's be people nowHybrid-people-driving people nowCome on, everybody be people now
394	Jimbo	Yeah, I just wanted to try to set an example, you know?
395	Jimbo	Thanks.
396	Mrs. Garrison	Can you believe some people still don't drive hybrids?
397	Randy	I know! It's like "Earth to America? Hello? This is simple stuff here. Gawl"
398	Mr. Mackey	Well from now on, I'm only going to associate with other hybrid-car drivers. Everyone else is just ignorant, m'kay?
399	Driver 1	Good for you!
400	Driver 2	Thanks!
401	Randy	At least we're smart enough to know better!
402	Driver 3	Thanks!
403	Stan	Come on, everybody be people now
404	Speaker	And so we are here to honor Stan Marsh for making South Park the city with the highest percentage of hybrid owners in the country!
405	Richard	If only the rest of the country was as insightful as we are.
406	Stan	Ah, thanks. I was really just trying to make it so my friend can move back here so... if you don't mind, I'm gonna try to get a hold of him now.
407	Jimbo	Great speech!
408	Gerald	Yeah, well, you know my son is just a little bit more clever than some.
409	An officer	Hello there, I'm Ranger McFriendly. I'm the person who watches over the delicate ecosystem of South Park. You must be the little boy who wrote that song.
410	Stan	Yeah.
411	Ranger McFriendly	Uhh!
412	Stan	Ow!
413	Ranger McFriendly	You son of a bitch! Do you have any idea what you've done?!
414	Stan	What?!
415	Ranger McFriendly	Come with me!
416	Ranger McFriendly	There! Look!
417	Stan	Smog? There's never been smog over South Park before.
418	Ranger McFriendly	Don't you get it?! When people drive hybrid cars, they get so full of themselves they spew tons of self-satisfied garbage into the air! That isn't smog, it's smug!
419	Stan	Smug?
420	Ranger McFriendly	Hybrid cars make better for emission levels, but people who drive hybrid cars are the leading cause of smug. You can have smug in the atmosphere, and you know what that leads to? Glodal laming! Thanks to your gay little song, South Park is now the second smuggiest city in America!
421	Announcer	This is a South Park News Weather Bulletin!
422	Anchor Tom	It looks like we have a smug alert here in South Park. Our own Keenan Williams has the details. Keenan?
423	Keenan	Thanks, Tom, a smug alert is in effect at least tomorrow morning. All those hybrid cars on the road have caused heavy smug to develop over most of Park and Jefferson Counties. On the national map, we can see smug over Denver and developing smug in Los Angeles. However, San Francisco is once again the smuggiest city in the country.
424	Singer	A smuggy day in San Francisco town.
425	Paul	Sheila, did you meet Gail and Brian?
426	Sheila	No! Hello, how are you?
427	Gail	Really good, really good.
428	Gerald	Hey there. Alan, right?
429	Alan	Actually, it's Alain
430	Gerald	Right right, w-would, would you like red or white wine?
431	Alan	Can I just get an empty glass?
432	Gerald	Oh. Sure.
433	Alan	Can you believe all these imbeciles in Texas? They just put another prisoner to death.
434	Kyle	So... what do you do for fun?
435	Brian	We drink and take drugs.
436	Boy 1	Do you want some acid?
437	Kyle	Oh, no thanks. We don't do that stuff.
438	Boy 2	You will. There's a reason most San Francisco kids take a lot of drugs.
439	Brian	It's the only thing that allows us to deal with our parents all walking around loving the smell of their own farts all the time.
440	Gerald	Everything okay in here, Kyle?
441	Kyle	Yeah, fine, Dad.
442	Gerald	So much better here with the intellectuals, isn't it, boys? Wuhh Mmmm.
443	Kyle	Well... maybe I'll take just half a hit of acid.
444	Ike	I want three.
445	Stan	No, no, I'm asking if there's a listing for Broflovski in San Francisco! They just moved there!
446	Cartman	Haha! Take that, Jew boy! I guess you Heebs can't even play video football!
447	Butters	Yeah. You're right.
448	Cartman	You know Butters, you make for a lousy Jew.
449	Butters	Well I'm sorry. Well it's just that I'm not Jewish, and now th-
450	Cartman	No, no! Don't apologize, you asshole!
451	Ranger McFriendly	Marsh!
452	Stan	Oh crap, Ranger McFriendly.
453	Cartman	Who?
454	Ranger McFriendly	You'd better come with me to the news station! Our situation just got a lot worse!
455	Keenan	I noticed it on the computer this morning. Look here. This is the smug over South Park. It's... getting bigger and gaining strength.
456	Cartman	The smug?
457	Keenan	The smug is getting so massive that it's moving west... and fusing with the San Francisco smug... Here. These two smug clouds are combining, fueling each other. Now take a look at this.
458	Stan	What is that?
459	Keenan	It's the smug from George Clooney's acceptance speech at the Academy Awards.
460	Stan	George Clooney's acceptance speech?
461	Keenan	Did you hear it? He talked about how people in Hollywood are ahead of the curve on social mattes. He even took credit for the Civil Rights movement -Look!! The point is... the smug from his acceptance speech has been slowly drifting north since he gave it... and is headed straight for the super cell. The South Park and San Francisco smug is already at critical mass. If it gets hit by George Clooney's acceptance speech, it will be a disaster of epic proportions. The perfect storm... of self-satisfaction.
462	Ranger McFriendly	We've got to tell the townspeople! South Park still has a chance to make it through the storm!
463	Stan	What about San Francisco?
464	Keenan	Kid, thanks to your gay little song, there's not gonna be a San Francisco.
465	Ranger McFriendly	Soo, that's it people. When the smug from George Clooney's speech hits the San Francisco and South Park smug, we're gonna witness a storm the likes of which we've never seen.
466	Randy	Are you trying to tell us the smug from our hybrids is actually gonna kill us all?
467	Ranger McFriendly	If the smug clouds remain the way they are, yes.
468	Jimbo	This is all Stan's fault! He wrote that gay little song and got us to drive those damned hybrids!
469	Randy	Yeah. Good going, stupid!
470	Ranger McFriendly	Listen! Though we all agree this is Stan's fault, there is still something we can do. If we all work together to reduce smugness, we might be able to lessen the effects of the storm, at least here in our own town.
471	Stephen	Then that's it. There's only one way to reduce smugness. We've gotta destroy every hybrid car in town!
472	Jimbo	Everyone get your hybrid and meet at Dawson's!
473	Randy	Hey, where do you think YOU're going?!
474	Stan	I'm gonna try and warn Kyle to get out of San Francisco.
475	Randy	Oh no you're not! Your gay little song got us to drive hybrids; you're gonna help us get rid of 'em!
476	Ranger McFriendly	How long do we have until the smug clouds collide?
477	Keenan	Not long. The smug from George Clooney's Academy Awards Acceptance Speech has already crossed into Arizona.
478	Attendant	The hell is that?
479	Butters	Wow, Eric. You sure are a great guy for doing this.
480	Cartman	I don't have a choice. Somebody has to get into San Francisco and warn Kyle's family to get out before the storm hits.
481	Butters	But... how come we can't just take the bus on into the city?
482	Cartman	You don't know San Francisco, Butters. It was the breeding ground for the hippie movement in the 60s. Those hard-core liberals, lesbian activists, and die hard modern hippies young and old. I swore I would never set foot in San Francisco. God help me. All right, Butters, I'll be tethered to you through this cord. It's my only lifeline, so make sure it stays taut. If you stop hearing my voice, for the love of Christ, start reeling me in with all your strength.
483	Butters	I will. You're really great for going to warn Kyle, Eric.
484	Cartman	I'm not doin' it for Kyle. I can't believe I'm actually going to walk through San Francisco. Well, here it goes.
485	Ranger McFriendly	All right. All right, now get it into the masher! Hurry up!
486	Stan	Can't somebody else operate this? I can't really reach.
487	Ranger McFriendly	Well then you shouldn't have written that gay little song, shouldn't you have?! Keenan, we've gotten rid of half the hybrid cars! How are the smug levels?!
488	Keenan	They're dropping, slowly, but... but we're running out of time!
489	Man	Yeah, it's like, San Francisco is more of a European city, like Paris or Milan.
490	Cartman	Butters, are you there?!
491	Butters	I'm here, Eric.
492	Cartman	I've started to enter the smug. I'm about a quarter mile in. Can you give me an EL?
493	Butters	You must be nearing Union Square. Did you see a fountain to your left?
494	Cartman	Yes. It's just beyond yet another wine and cheese store.
495	Butters	Wait, uhh, eh take your next right. You've got to start heading west.
496	Cartman	Turning right at O two four niner.
497	Randy	That's it. That's that the last one.
498	Ranger McFriendly	Keenan? Keenan, we've smashed the last hybrid!
499	Keenan	Harry, the smug from Clooney's speech is about to hit the other smug system! Get everyone inside! God help us.
500	Cartman	Butters?! Butters, I think I'm here! 2419 Castillo?!
501	Butters	That's it! Eric, hurry! Somethin's goin' on out here!
502	Cartman	Mr. Broflovski! Mr. Broflovski, there a smug storm! We have to go!
503	Gerald	Being smug is a good thing.
504	Cartman	Oh my CHRIST! Kyle? Kyle!
505	Kyle	The acid. Dude, I'm totally tripping balls.
506	Ike	I'm totally tripping balls. I'm totally tripping balls.
507	Cartman	We have to get out of here! Now! Kyle! Kyle!!
508	Network Anchor	And now, the worst appears to be over. Last night's smug storm... has left thousands homeless. All across the Midwest, people are picking up the pieces. Cities like Denver and South Park are heavily damaged, but still all right. However, San Francisco, I'm afraid... has disappeared completely up its own asshole.
509	Stan	No...
510	Randy	I'm sorry, Stan. I'm sorry your gay little song killed your friend.
511	Clyde	Hey! Hey, Stan! You're not gonna believe it! You've gotta come see!
512	Stan	What?
513	Clyde	It's a miracle!
514	Stan	Kyle!
515	Kyle	Hey Stan.
516	Stan	Dude, what happened??
517	Gerald	We don't know. We were all passed out and... next thing we know we just woke up on a bus heading here.
518	Mr. Mackey	It's like you had a guardian angel, m'kay?
519	Stan	Dude, I'm so glad you're not dead.
520	Richard	So I guess there's nothing left to do now but... rebuild.
521	Randy	Yeah. First off, we're all gonna need new cars.
522	Gerald	And let's make sure nobody gets a stupid hybrid, right?
523	Kyle	NO! Hybrid cars are a good thing!
524	Mr. Mackey	But hybrid cars are the leading cause of smug, m'kay?
525	Kyle	Hybrid cars don't cause smugness, people do. Look, hybrid cars are important. They may even save our planet one day. What you all need to do is just learn to drive hybrids and not be smug about it.
526	Randy	You mean... drive in hybrids... but not act like we're better than everyone else because of it.
527	Kyle	Yeah!
528	Randy	I'm... I'm not ready...
529	Gerald	I don't think I can do it either.
530	Mr. Mackey	It's simply asking too much.
531	Randy	Perhaps... one day... we can learn to drive hybrids without being smug about it, but for now... the technology is just too much for us.
532	Gerald	Come on, everybody! Let's go buy wasteful gas guzzlers!
533	Cartman	Well, looks like you're back for good, huh Kyle?
534	Kyle	Yeah, I guess so.
535	Cartman	We just can't get rid of you, can we, you sneaky Jew rat!
536	Kyle	Don't belittle my people, you fucking fatass!
537	Cartman	Ah, that's better.
538	Sharon	But the Bubble Gum Prince wasn't afraid. He knew that the Land of Chocolate was safe forever and ever. Goodnight my little angel.
539	Randy	STAAAN!!
540	Stan	What?? What??
541	Randy	Get up! Get your shoes on! Gotta get out of here! MOOVE! Take this!! We've gotta bring all the water we can!! Shelly, go get my gun!!
542	Shelly	Whats going on dad?
543	Randy	JUST GET THE GUN!!
544	Randy	Unh, come on!
545	Man	AWWWGH!
546	Woman	Oh nooo!
547	Stan	Kyle! What the hell is going on this time?!
548	Kyle	I have no idea!
549	Man	Take cover in the community center again!
550	Jimbo	All right, everyone get in and get a seal on that door!
551	Linda	Oh my God, Stephen, we've left Butters.
552	Stephen	We can't go back out, Linda! It's too late for him!
553	Stan	Dad? Dad, what the hell is going on?!
554	Randy	A cartoon...! A cartoon is about to air on American television with... with the Muslim prophet Mohammad as a character!
555	Stan	Sso?
556	Randy	SO?! Stanley, Mohammad is sacred to the Muslim people. Ever since those cartoon in Denmark, the rules have changed. Nobody shows an image of Mohammad anymore.
557	Gerald	Which cartoon is it? What cartoon'll be so insensitive as to have Mohammad as a character?
558	Randy	Who do you think?! The cartoon that's always pushing buttons with their careless toilet humor! Family Guy!
559	Crowd	AWWW!
560	Jimbo	How could Family Guy do that?
561	Sheila	Why would Family Guy so blatantly insult Muslims?
562	Randy	Because Family Guy doesn't care who they insult! They only care about their... precious money!
563	Stan	Oh come on, people. You really think anybody's gonna be that pissed off about a cartoon??
564	Mr. Mackey	Wu-we've got the TV working!
565	Tom	Once again, a cartoon depicting the Muslim prophet Mohammad is set to air tonight on Family Guy!
566	Sharon	Oh Randy, hold me.
567	Tom	The news has already sparked a shockwave of protests throughout the Muslim world. All over the Middle East, Muslims are burning American flags and Family Guy posters. Muslim terrorist al-Zawahri made this statement:
568	al-Zawahri	We are so super pissed off at 'Family Guy'. 'Family Guy' isn't even that funny of a show. A jihad on 'Family Guy', and the 'Family Guy' nation!
569	Linda	So what happens now?
570	Randy	We stay here through the night, wait it out to see if they do anything. If we're still alive in the morning, then we'll know we're not dead.
571	Mrs. Garrison	It's okay!
572	Randy	We're alive?? We're alive!
573	Jimbo	Everyone. Everyone, listen. FOX Network censored the image of Mohammad at the last minute.
574	Crowd	Oh thank God.
575	Randy	Well, it looks like we've dodged a bullet.
576	Stan	They censored the image of Mohammad? How?
577	Kyle	I TIVO every episode. We can go to my house and see what they did.
578	Kyle	Okay you guys, check it out.
579	Cartman	You TIVO every episode of Family Guy?
580	Kyle	Dude, it's a good show.
581	Stan	Yeah, lots of people like Family Guy.
582	Cartman	Yich.
583	Lois	Peter, I can't believe you invited your old high-school sweetheart over for dinner.
584	Peter	You think that's bad? Remember when I auditioned to be David Hasselhoff's car?
585	Peter	Hey there, Knight Rider.
586	Michael	After those bad guys, KITT!
587	Chris	Yeah, but Dad, why would you invite an ex-girlfriend to dinner?
588	Stewie	Perhaps he wants to make our mother nervous.
589	Peter	Nervous? Like when I had to sell pancakes to the school soccer captain?
590	Peter	Pancakes for you, Captain?
591	Soccer Captain	I'll be the Captain, and you'll be Tenille.
592	Peter	Love will keep us together
593	Kyle	Hehaha, heh.
594	Cartman	Yich.
595	Lois	But Peter, I don't wanna cook dinner for your ex-girlfriend.
596	Peter	Well, maybe we can just have tea.
597	Brian	You mean like the time you had tea with Mohammad, the prophet of the Muslim faith?
598	Peter	Come on, Mohammad, let's get some tea.
599	Mr. T	Try my "Mr. T. ...tea."
600	Peter	Oh boy, was that ever weird. Anyway, I can't believe I invited my old sweetheart to dinner. Huh.
601	Kyle	That's it? That's all they did?
602	Cartman	Oh man, that's not cool! Seriously, that is not cool.
603	Stan	What? What's the big deal?
604	Cartman	What's the big deal? You guys, they just made fun of the religion of an entire group of people. What, you guys think that's okay?! Do you care at all about people's feelings?!
605	Kyle	Since when you care about being sensitive to people's religion, Cartman?!
606	Stan	Yeah, you rip on people's religion all the time!
607	Cartman	That's different! I'm just a little boy! That's a cartoon! Millions of people watch it! How would you feel, Kyle, if there was a cartoon on television that made fun of Jews all the time?! Huh?!
608	Kyle	Uhhh...
609	Cartman	I'm telling you guys, it's wrong! It's WRONG!! It's wrong!
610	Sheila	Kyle? Kyle, what are you watchi-?!
611	Peter	Hey Brian, this is like the time I got a job as a carrot cake.
612	Sheila	Gaaah! It's Family Guy! Quick, Gerald, do something!
613	Kyle	Dad, Dad, Jesus Christ!
614	Gerald	It's okay... it's dead.
615	Sheila	You boys know you're not supposed to watch that careless show!
616	Kyle	Mom, it was nothing. Mohammad just stood there and then drank some tea.
617	Sheila	You boys don't understand anything! It's obvious that you ALL need Muslim-sensitivity training!
618	Mrs. Garrison	Welcome to Muslim-Sensitivity Training. It is important for us to understand why the Muslim feel the way they do, and why we can never show an image of Mohammad.
619	Kyle	No, Muslims can't show an image of Mohammad.
620	Mrs. Garrison	Kyle, you're not being very sensitive.
621	Cartman	Yeah, Kyle. Maybe you think this is funny, but the rest of us don't.
622	Mrs. Garrison	Let's all look at why Muslims are upset: First of all, in the Muslim religion, you're not allowed to have what? Sex. Good. There's no sex until marriage in the Muslim world. Now, this would be fine except that in the Muslim religion you also can't... Anybody? Jack off. Okay, jacking it is strictly forbidden in the Muslim religion. And what do we know about the places Muslims live? They live in? Good, sand. Now put yourself in the shoes of a Muslim. It's Friday night, but you can't have sex, and you can't jack off. There's sand in your eyes and probably in the crack of your ass, and then some cartoon comes along from a country where people are getting laid, and mocks your prophet. Well you know what? I'd be pretty pissed off too!
623	Cartman	Mrs. Garrison, that is ignorant and racist! Muslims are mad because of Family Guy, not because they can't jack off! Right, Wendy?
624	Wendy	...yeah.
625	Mr. Mackey	Attention students: Proceed to the school gymnasium immediately for an emergency announcement!
626	Stan	The hell's going on now?!
627	Principal Victoria	Shh! Quiet, students, quiet!
628	SNN Anchor	Once again: we have just learned that the Family Guy episode featuring Mohammad was only Part 1 of a two-parter! And Part 2 is going to air next week, with Mohammad uncensored!
629	Cartman	What?
630	Mrs. Garrison	Why would they-?
631	SNN Anchor	FOX Studios claims that the Family Guy writing staff has demanded the Mohammad character be seen in full view. The head of FOX had this to say:
632	FOX President	Family Guy is our biggest show. If they insist we don't censor their work, then we we can't.
633	Randy	FAMILY GUY!!! I DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!
634	SNN Anchor	Once again, bitter riots have started in the Middle East; this time, even more massive. And terrorist leader al-Zawahri has issued a threat
635	al-Zawahri	Seriously, 'Family Guy' isn't even that well written. The jokes are all interchangeable and usually irrelevant to the plot. When this episode airs-our retaliation will be MASSIVE!!!!
636	Mr. Mackey	Retaliation... Oh my God. M'kay?
637	Cartman	Goddamned Family Guy! Now they're just provoking people! It's like they want a holy war!
638	Stan	Does this mean we don't have school all week?
639	Cartman	You guys, this is serious! We have to do something!
640	Kenny	Like what?
641	Cartman	We have to go to the FOX network in L.A. We have to go and... try to get that episode pulled. You guys with me?
642	Stan	Dude, we can't go anywhere. They've shut down the airports and the buses.
643	Cartman	Then we'll ride our Big Wheels.
644	Stan	To Los Angeles?
645	Cartman	If that's what it takes, yes! We have to talk to the network! The Family Guy writers aren't gonna back down!
646	Kyle	Well good for them. They shouldn't! The writers are standing up and saying they aren't going to be intimidated!
647	Cartman	Intimidated?! Is that what you think this is about, Kyle?
648	Kyle	All right dude, what the hell has gotten into you?! I don't trust for one second that your sudden concern for the Muslim people is real!
649	Cartman	All right, fine, Kyle. Forget the Muslim faith for a minute. People can get hurt. If ten people die because Family Guy just had to have their little joke, will you still think it's funny? What if a hundred people died? Will it be funny then, Kyle? I'm going to Los Angeles. I'm gonna do whatever I can to get that episode pulled before this gets out of hand. Somebody has to speak for the Muslim people. Somebody has to speak for what's right.
650	Gerald	Kyle! Kyle, wake up! We have to go! The terrorists are attacking!
651	Kyle	Dad? Are you sure there's time?
652	Gerald	This isn't a joke, Kyle! Bombs have already gone off in six cities!
653	Kyle	No!
654	Sheila	Wait a minute! Where's Ike?!
655	Gerald	He was just here! Ike!
656	Sheila	Ike!
657	Kyle	Ike? Iiike! Ike!
658	Ike	Ice cream. I want chocolate.
659	Kyle	Ike! This way! Iiike!
660	Ike	Kyyyle!
661	Kyle	Nooooo!
662	Cartman	Come to try and stop me?! It isn't gonna work.
663	Kyle	I didn't come to stop you. I... I think you're right, Cartman. I want to help you get the Family Guy episode pulled.
664	Cartman	Yeah well, I don't need a partner on this. Especially one who doesn't trust me.
665	Kyle	Look, Cartman, I don't know what's gotten into you, but... I I think it's pretty amazing. And I think it's real. You have to understand why I didn't believe you before.
666	Cartman	Yeah. I do understand, Kyle. I've been doing the wrong things for a long time. Doing things for my own selfish reasons. I just wanna do something right, you know? Just this one time.
667	Kyle	It's a long trip, dude. You're gonna need help. We can try and get the episode pulled together.
668	Cartman	You know we might not even make it into the studio.
669	Kyle	I know. But just like you, I feel like I have to try. People can really get hurt, and a joke just isn't worth that.
670	Cartman	So what made you change your mind?
671	Kyle	I got some sound advice... from an old friend.
672	Cartman	Well Kyle, we'd better get going.
673	Kyle	Yeah!
674	Cartman	Are you set?
675	Kyle	I'm set! Let's do this!
676	Cartman	All right, let's roll!
677	Mayor McDaniels	People! People, quiet, please! We must not panic!
678	Randy	Well what are we gonna do, Mayor?! Part 2 of the Family Guy episode airs in six days!
679	Mayor McDaniels	I believe that Professor Thomas from the University has come up with a solution.
680	Prof. Thomas	Thank you, Mayor. Now look, everyone, Muslim terrorists and extremists are threatening us for what Family Guy is going to do... because they've wrongly grouped us together. Our only hope is to make the Muslim extremists know... that we had no part in the Mohammad episode. That even though the episode aired, we didn't watch it, we didn't hear it, and we didn't talk about it.
681	Jimbo	So how do we do that?
682	Prof. Thomas	We bury our heads. In sand. We take twenty to twenty-five dump trucks, fill them with sand from Monarch Lake, and then dump the sand along South Park Avenue. By using approximately eighteen dozen shovels, we can each dig a hole in the sand, stick our heads in the holes, and then have the person to our left bury them. If we can manage to get every person's head buried deep, deep in sand before the Mohammad episode airs, we could avoid looking like we're responsible for any part of this at all.
683	Stephen	No, no, wait a minute, that's ridiculous. What we need to do is just the opposite. Freedom of speech is at stake here, don't you all see? If anything, we should ALL make cartoons of Mohammad, and show the terrorists and the extremists that we are all united in the belief that every person has a right to say what they want! Look, people, it's... been real easy for us to stand up for free speech lately. For the past few decades we haven't had to risk anything to defend it. But those times are going to come! And one of those times is right now. And if WE... aren't willing to RISK... what we have, then we just believe in free speech, but we don't defend it.
684	Randy	I like the sand idea.
685	Mr. Mackey	Yeah, me too.
686	Gerald	Yeah. The sand thing sounds a lot simpler.
687	Mayor McDaniels	We're gonna need eight dozen shovels and sixteen tons of sand! Let's move, people!
688	Kyle	We got six days to make it to Los Angeles. If we keep our stops to a minimum, we should be able to get the episode pulled just in time.
689	Cartman	Yes, and in just a few weeks from now, Family Guy will be off the air forever.
690	Kyle	Off the air? But... we're just going to try to get the Mohammad episode pulled.
691	Cartman	It's simple television economics, Kyle. All it takes to kill a show forever is get one episode pulled. If we convince the network to pull this episode for the sake of Muslims, then the Catholics can demand a show they don't like get pulled. And then people with disabilities can demand another show get pulled. And so on and so on, until Family Guy is no more! It's exactly what happened to Laverne & Shirley.
692	Kyle	Whoa whoa wait a minute! This isn't what I signed up for! I like Family Guy. Why do we have to get it off the air forever?
693	Cartman	Because they made f-fun of Muslims, and and that's wrong.
694	Kyle	But that doesn't mean it has to go off the air. You should like that show. Your sense of humor is just like Family Guy.
695	Cartman	Don't you EVER, EVER, compare me to Family Guy! You hear me Kyle??!! Compare me to Family Guy again, and so help me I will kill you where you stand!
696	Kyle	You unbelievable son of a bitch. You never cared about the Muslim religion. Or the safety of people in America. You just want Family Guy off the air!
697	Cartman	Do you have any idea what it's like?! Everywhere I go, "Hey Cartman, you must like Family Guy, right?" "Hey, your sense of humor reminds me of Family Guy, Cartman." I am NOTHING like Family Guy! When I make jokes, they are inherent to a story! Deep, situational and emotional jokes based on what is relevant and has a POINT! Not just one interchangeable joke after another!!
698	Kyle	What are you talking about?!
699	Cartman	YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!
700	Kyle	I can't believe I let you scare me into taking your side. You used fear to make me stop believing in free speech.
701	Cartman	Well... I guess you won't be helping me now. No biggie. I don't NEED you to get the episode pulled!
702	Kyle	No! I am NOT letting you go to that television studio and pretend... to care about safety and sensitivity to get a show you don't like off the air!
703	Cartman	Well then Kyle, I guess we- ...Oh my God, is that Tim McGraw?
704	Kyle	What? CARTMAN!
705	Cartman	Kyle, stop it!
706	Cartman	Holy Crap!
707	Kyle	Ahhh!
708	Trooper	Stay on 'em! Jesus, Mary!
709	Prof. Thomas	If you have children, be sure to bury their heads in the sand before you bury your own.
710	Stan	Dad, I don't wanna bury my head in the sand.
711	Randy	It's the best say, Stanley. Did you eat your Fruit Roll-Up?
712	Stan	Yeah.
713	Randy	All right, make sure your snorkel is working. All right, now get your head in the hole.
714	Stan	Dad, this is stupid.
715	Randy	Stanley, there's no time for your immaturity! Do it! All right Sharon, now do me.
716	Jimbo	Uh Professor, we all just thought of somethin'. If everyone has their head buried by the person standing to their left, then who's gonna bury the last person's head?
717	Prof. Thomas	Yes. I'm afraid one person is going to have to be last, and... not have his head in the sand.
718	Farmer	I'll do it.
719	Wife	Dylan, no!
720	Prof. Thomas	You realize by not burying your head in sand, you'll appear to be a part of the Family Guy audience.
721	Dylan	Yes, I know.
722	Wife	Dylan, please, you can't!
723	Dylan	Somebody has to do it, Sarah. You run along now and you get your head in the sand. I'll be all right. You have to understand... I'm all she has.
724	Mrs. Garrison	Who are those people?
725	Kyle	No! AAAAH! AAAAH!
726	Cartman	Hahahaha! So long, Kyle!
727	Kyle	You son of a bitch! I won't let you win! You hear me?!
728	Cartman	Suck mah balls, Kyle!
729	President Bush	Are you the network president?
730	FOX President	Yes, Mr. President.
731	President Bush	We need to discuss this Family Guy episode, Mr. President.
732	FOX President	Mr. President, my hands are tied. The Family Guy writers insist I don't censor Mohammad.
733	President Bush	But Mr. President, this is a matter of national security. They must be reasoned with.
734	FOX President	Mr. President, there's something about the Family Guy writing staff I think you should know.
735	Announcer	Next week on South Park: The race continues. Cartman reaches the Family Guy Studio and learns the shocking secret behind the Family Guy writing staff.
736	Cartman	This... explains everything.
737	Announcer	As an entire nation buries its head in sand...
738	SNN Anchor	The idea has swept the nation! But where will we find enough sand for everyone?
739	Announcer	...and the battle between Good and Evil is finally waged...
740	Cartman	Kyle, quit it! Stop it, Kyle!
741	Announcer	Will the cartoon be allowed to appear uncensored? Will Family Guy be destroyed??? Will television executives fight for free speech? Or will Comedy Central puss out? Tune in to see Part 2 of Family Guy, next week, on South Park!
742	Announcer	Previously on South Park...
743	SNN Anchor	The popular cartoon, Family Guy, is going to show the image of Mohammad uncensored!
744	Prof. Thomas	If we all bury our heads in sand, we can avoid being any part of this.
745	Cartman	I'm gonna do whatever I can... to get that episode pulled before this gets out of hand.
746	Kyle	You just want Family Guy off the air...
747	Cartman	Kyle, stop it!
748	Cartman	So long, Kyle!
749	Kyle	You son of a bitch! I won't let you win!
750	FOX President	Mr. President, there's something about the Family Guy writing staff I think you should know.
751	Announcer	And now, the thrilling conclusion of... Cartoon Wars... will not be seen tonight! so that we can bring you this Terrance & Phillip Television Special
752	Phillip	Say Terrance, isn't it wonderful having a holiday here at the Lazy "J" Ranch?
753	Terrance	It sure is, Phillip. But I do believe this steer I'm riding has the farts.
754	Phillip	Oh, look who's coming! Isn't that Mohammad, the holy prophet of the Muslim religion?
755	Mohammad	Hey guys, how's it going?
756	Terrance	Hello Mohammad, we've read all aboat you in the Koran.
757	Mohammad	I'm here to investigate a murder.
758	Terrance	ALL RIGHT, JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE??!!
759	Phillip	You censored out the image of Mohammad in our television special!!
760	Network President	Ey! You guys know the rules! Nobody can show the image of Mohammad anymore. It's dangerous.
761	Terrance	But you ruined the whole show!
762	Network President	Look, I'm not gonna risk the lives of the people at this network. Let's just forget aboat it, okay guys? Aw, come on guys, give me a break.
763	Phillip	We demand you rerun Mystery at the Lazy "J" Ranch with Mohammad uncensored!
764	Network President	Ey! I run this network, not you guys! And if you ask me, your show has become so preachy and full of messages that you've forgotten how to be funny! NO Mohammad!
765	Terrance	But Family Guy is going to show Mohammad on an episode that airs tonight!
766	Network President	I doubt it! I'll bet that right now, somebody is on their way to FOX Network to demand that that episode be pulled.
767	Cartman	Ma'am, I need to speak to the president of this network right away.
768	Receptionist	What is it regarding?
769	Cartman	It's regarding Family Guy. I demand that the Mohammad episode be pulled before it airs tonight! It's incendiary, it's offensive to Muslims, and people can get hurt! It's wrong! It's WROOONG!
770	Receptionist	O...kay, but if you've got a problem with Family Guy, you'll have to wait in line. That little boy over there has an appointment to try and get Family Guy off the air altogether.
771	Cartman	Dude, can I go before you?
772	Bart	Eat my shorts!
773	Kyle	What the hell is going on? Hello? Excuse me, I need to get to Los Angeles. Hello?!
774	SNN Anchor	...starting in a small town in central Colorado. The idea has now spread all over America. Muslims continue to riot in the Middle East, demanding that Family Guy not air tonight's episode. Amd Muslim terrorists continue to make threats.
775	Al-Zawahri	"Family Guy" better not show Mohammad tonight. I'm serious. "Family Guy" isn't funny.
776	SNN Anchor	Osama bin Laden had this to say:
777	Osama bin Laden	If you look closely at the writing in "Family Guy", you will see that the jokes never derive from the plot, and I think that's totally gay.
778	SNN Anchor	Bin Laden went on to say that if Family Guy shows the image of Mohammad as planned, the terrorist retaliation will be immediate.
779	Trucker	You one of them?
780	Kyle	Who?
781	Trucker	How come your head ain't in the sand?
782	Cartman	So... you don't like Family Guy either, huh?
783	Bart	I hate Family Guy.
784	Cartman	So what's your plan? You're gonna ask the president of the network nicely to take it off the air?
785	Bart	Not nicely.
786	Cartman	Look, kid, if you hate a TV show, all you have to do is get an episode pulled. Pretty soon the show is compromised and it goes off the air.
787	Bart	Cool, man.
788	Cartman	Yes. So my plan is to use this whole Mohammad thing as a way to scare the network into pulling tonight's show. I'm going to use fear to get them to do what I want.
789	Bart	Isn't that like, terrorism?
790	Cartman	...No, it isn't like terrorism. It IS terrorism.
791	Bart	I could do that.
792	Cartman	This is manipulation at its highest lever; you should let me handle this.
793	Bart	I'm a pretty bad kid.
794	Cartman	Really? What's the worst thing you've ever done?
795	Bart	I stole the head off a statue once.
796	Cartman	Wow, that's pretty hardcore. Geez. That's like this one time, when I didn't like a kid, so I ground his parents up into chili and fed it to him.
797	Bart	You got it, man. You got it.
798	Cartman	Seeya.
799	President Bush	I want to assure the American people that as President, I have exhausted every possible solution. Unfortunately, Mohammad will appear uncensored on Family Guy tonight at seven.
800	Reporters	Mr. President!
801	Reporter 1	Mr. President, can't the writers of the show be reasoned with? Don't they know they're putting the country in danger?
802	President Bush	I have come to... understand something about the Family Guy writing staff. Suffice it to say that they will not be persuaded by the possibility of violence.
803	Reporters	Mr. President!
804	Reporter 1	What exactly did you learn about the Family Guy writing staff, Mr. President?
805	President Bush	I'm afraid that information is classified.
806	Reporters	AWWW!!! Mr. President!
807	TCO Reporter	Mr. President, can't you force the Family Guy writing staff not to write anything about Mohammad?
808	LSX Reporter	Couldn't you throw them in prison?
809	President Bush	Look! The fact of the matter is the Family Guy writing staff is protected by something called the First Amendment!
810	Reporter 2	And what exactly is this First Amendment, Mr. President?
811	President Bush	Uh you know, the right to free speech.
812	Reporters	AWWW!!!
813	Reporter 3	Mr. President, when your administration came up with this "First Amendment," did it not foresee a problem like this might happen?
814	President Bush	Well... We didn't come up with the First Amendment. It was already in place.
815	TCO Reporter	What do you intend to do about this "First Amendment," Mr. President?
816	Reporter 4	Forgive me, Mr. President, but this "First Amendment" sounds like a lot of bureaucratic jibbery-joob?
817	Reporters	Yeah!
818	Reporter 5	That's right!
819	FOX President	Okay, let's discuss the fall lineup.
820	Receptionist 2	Sir, there's still one little boy out here who wants to speak with you about pulling the Family Guy episode
821	FOX President	All right, let's get this over with.
822	Cartman	Hello, gentlemen, ladies. My name is little Danny Pocket. And I won't take much of your time. Please excuse my tiny crutch; it's the only way I can get around these days. Ow...
823	Staff	Oh, poor kid.
824	Cartman	You see, my father worked for a newspaper in my native country of Denmark. His newspaper showed an image of Mohammad and, two days later, terrorists suicides bombed his building. I was in the lobby when it happened. First one terrorist suicide bombed us and, then dozens more. They just kept coming. Suicide bombers running in the building and blowing up one after another! They were like Mexican jumping beans. I just don't wanna see people here at your studio getting hurt, because... that would be, of course, your responsibility. Ow..
825	FOX President	I feel terrible. It's so east to put terrorism out of mind until one of its victims is staring you in the face.
826	Staffer	Sir, if we pull the episode, the Family Guy writing staff will refuse to work again.
827	FOX President	Little boy, will you talk to the Family Guy writing staff? If your story touches their hearts like it has ours, perhaps they'll back down from demanding we air the episode.
828	Cartman	I'll certainly do my best. Ow.
829	FOX President	Take this noble child over to the Family Guy offices. If he can scare them like he has us, maybe we can pull the Mohammad episode after all.
830	Cartman	Yes, and then Family Guy is as good as dead.
831	FOX President	What was that?
832	Cartman	I I said "thank you." Thank you for listening.
833	Kyle	Thanks a lot for the ride.
834	Trucker	Ey, it's the least I could do. I hope you succeed, kid. I really don't wanna see Family Guy go off the air. I love that show!
835	Kyle	I'll do everything I can.
836	Trucker	I mean, I know it's just joke after joke, but I like that. At least it doesn't get all preachy and up its own ass with messages, you know?
837	Kyle	Excuse me. Do you know which way the network president's office is?
838	Bart	Who wants to know?!
839	Kyle	Look, my fat bastard friend is trying to trick the network into getting Family Guy off the air.
840	Bart	The network president's office is in there!
841	Kyle	Oh thanks, dude.
842	Bart	No problem, man.
843	Kyle	Hello? This can't be right, I- Ow!
844	Bart	Cowabunga, motherfucker!
845	Receptionist 2	Hello Mitchell.
846	Mitchell	Oh hi, Miss Travis.
847	Miss Travis	The president has asked that little Danny Pocket here speak with the Family Guy writing staff.
848	Mitchell	Are you... sure? They're working on a new episode right now.
849	Cartman	It won't take long, sir. Ow...
850	Mitchell	All right, I'll take him back. Follow me, little Danny. You must be excited. Not many people get to meet our writing staff.
851	Cartman	Yes, I'm totally excited. Family Guy is so funny.
852	Mitchell	Well, here we are. Danny, the Family Guy writing staff.
853	Cartman	Wha? What are they?
854	Mitchell	They're manatees. Gretchen and Flubber are from the Gulf of Mexico. Tinker, Pete and Lucy are from the Caribbean Sea.
855	Cartman	Family Guy is written by manatees? Of course, it all makes sense now.
856	Mitchell	They really are brilliant creatures. You see, the right side of the tank is filled with idea balls. Each ball has a verb, noun, or pop culture reference written on it. There's millions of them. The manatees choose an idea ball and swim it over to the joke combine on the other side of the tank. Uh there goes Gretchen! She's comin' up with an idea. Oh, she came up with Gary Coleman. The idea balls drop into the joke combine and form part of the new script. Laundry Date Winning Mexico Gary Coleman. A perfect Family Guy joke! I can see it now!
857	Lois	Peter, you didn't do the laundry today.
858	Peter	You think that's bad? Remember the time I won a date to Mexico with Gary Coleman?
859	Waiter	¿Qué pasa, señores?
860	Gary Coleman	Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?
861	Cartman	Waitwaitaminute waitaminute. These... manatees demanded that Mohammad be shown? How? Manatees don't talk!
862	Mitchell	When FOX censored the image of Mohammad last week, it also meant that the Mohammad ball had to come out of the idea tank. It made the manatees very upset. Pull just one idea ball out of the idea tank, and the manatees stop working. He-here, I'll show you. Keith? All right all right, put it back in! Manatees are very ethical writers. Either everything's okay to write about, or nothing is. Anyway, the president of the network wanted you to ...speak with the manatees.
863	Cartman	Oh... yes, yes. Um hello, manatees. I, I think you should allow the network to pull your episode with Mohammad. See, I'm the victim of a, a terrorist attack and... terrorists might come after you if you-
864	Mitchell	That isn't gonna work on them.
865	Cartman	Why not?
866	Mitchell	Don't you know anything about manatees? They're the only mammals that are completely unmoved by terrorst threats.
867	Cartman	Son of a bitch.
868	Kyle	Let me out of here, kid! Why are you doing this?
869	Cartman	Well well well!
870	Kyle	Cartman!
871	Cartman	Hello, Kyle. Looks like you've run into a little snag in your plan as well.
872	Kyle	You fat sun of a bitch!
873	Cartman	You came so close to stopping me, didn't you, Kyle. There was just one thing you didn't count on: that more people besides me hate Family Guy.
874	Bart	Yeah.
875	Kyle	Well, a lot of people like Family Guy too! Who are you to decide it shouldn't be on the air?!
876	Bart	Shut up! You shut your fucking face, man! Did it work? Did you scare the network into pulling the episode?
877	Cartman	Not yet! But I've come up with a new plan. I've learned how to make the Family Guy writing staff stop working! As soon as everyone goes on their lunch break, I can sneak back in.
878	Bart	Cool man!
879	Kyle	Cartman, let me out of this stupid net!!
880	Cartman	Good, Kyle! That's good anger you're showin' there! See that?! That's emotional character development based on what's happening in the storyline! Not at all like Family Guy. Now, if you'll excuse me, Kyle, I've got some idea balls to remove from a manatee tank.
881	Kyle	WHAT?!
882	FOX President	I don't understand it. What's wrong with them?
883	Mitchell	We don't know, Mr. President. They just stopped working.
884	FOX President	But, nobody took any idea balls out of the tank, did they?
885	Mitchell	No sir, none of us did.
886	FOX President	Then why are they refusing to write? I agreed to show Mohammad uncensored! I did what you asked! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??!!
887	Cartman	Sir! Sir! If you don't my saying, I think you asked for this. You gave in to the manatees last week. Now they know all they have to do is refuse to work and they can get whatever they want. You spoiled them by caving in. Now they thnk they can walk all over you. Sir, you are in charge of this network, not them. Maybe it's time you showed them who's in charge.
888	FOX President	You're right. It's time I stop letting these primadonna manatees tell me what to do! I'm pulling the Mohammad episode, you got that?! And if you all don't want to work tomorrow, you can just find other jobs!! How long before Family Guy's supposed to air?!
889	Executive	Twenty-five minutes.
890	FOX President	I gotta hurry!
891	Cartman	I did it. I... AM... GOD!!!
892	Cartman	Family Guy is going off the air! No more Family Guy for me, mon frère!
893	Kyle	Cartman!! You fucking fatass!
894	Cartman	How the hell did you get out?
895	Kyle	That kid and I had a long talk! I told him he was on a slippery slope to becoming a monster like you!
896	Cartman	Aw, God damnit, you gave him one of your gay little speeches, didn't you?!
897	Kyle	You are NOT KILLING FAMILY GUY!!
898	Cartman	You're too late, Kyle! The president of the network is pulling the episode! Family Guy is as good as dead!
899	Kyle	There's still time to tell the network president you're full of CRAP!
900	Cartman	I can't let you do that!
901	Kyle	Get out of my way or I'll kick your ass!
902	Cartman	Fine, Kyle. I guess it was inevitable. Let this be our final battle. Ow. OW! Stop it! Kyle, that's too hard! Ah! Ugh. Kyle! Stop it!
903	Kyle	Ow. Quit it!
904	Cartman	Ow. Quit it, Kyle! Bleh. Kyle!
905	Cartman	Stop it!
906	Kyle	Ow. Quit it!
907	Cartman	Ow. Quit it, Kyle! Leh- Kyle! Let go- Okay okay come on, time out. Kyle, time out! Time out! Time out. Time in! I d-ow! Uh. Ah. Sh-gah. Okay. Okay. Time out! Kyle t-time out! Time out! Time out! Time out! Time out!
908	Kyle	No more timeouts, fatass!
909	Cartman	Time out! Time out! Time out, Kyle! Ay! Ay!
910	Cartman	Kyle! Kyle! Get the... Get the- Kyle! Kyle, dude, that was- that was in the balls! Dude, serious- seriously! That was in the balls! No hitting- No hitting in the balls! Kyle! Quit it, Kyle. Give it up, Kyle! Okay... Okay! Okay okay! You win! You win. I give up. Hahaha! I had my fingers crossed.
911	Kyle	Thanks, kid.
912	FOX President	Network Control! This is the President! I want you to pull the episode.
913	Woman	What? Mr. President, are you sure?
914	FOX President	I'm sure. Begin episode jettison sequence 0 2 900.
915	Computer Voice	Abort System initiated.
916	Programmer 1	Awaiting confirmation.
917	Woman	Mr. President, we need your final approval code.
918	FOX President	President approval code 0-0-destruct-
919	Kyle	Sir! Mister television executive! Stop!
920	FOX President	Who are you?
921	Kyle	Listen to me: the little boy who convinced you to pull the episode is a bastard child. He only wants you to pull it because he knows it will be the end of Family Guy forever!
922	FOX President	The end of Family Guy?
923	Woman	Mr. President, we need final authorization!
924	FOX President	Hold on, Julie! What are you talking about, kid?
925	Kyle	Pulling an episode because someone is offended starts a chain reaction. You'll have to pull more and more episodes until the show goes off the air completely. It's what happened to Laverne & Shirley.
926	FOX President	You mean... the manatees aren't trying to run the network?
927	Kyle	What manatees??!!
928	Cartman	Go ahead, Mr. President! Continue what you were doing!
929	Kyle	No! You have to show Mohammad, Mr. President!
930	Woman	Mr. President, we're awaiting your orders!
931	Kyle	Sir, just think about what you're doing to free speech!
932	Cartman	No! Think about the people who could get hurt!
933	FOX President	Ah... I don't know who to listen to!
934	Cartman	Okay, I'll make it easy for you. Pull the Mohammad episode, now!
935	FOX President	Okay, I'll listen to you. Julie?
936	Kyle	Noo! Wait! You can't listen to him! He's a lying deceitful monster who only wants Family Guy off the air!
937	FOX President	But he has a gun.
938	Kyle	You can't do what he wants just because he's the one threatening you with violence!
939	Cartman	Shut up, Kyle!
940	FOX President	I can't be responsible for people getting hurt. Especially me.
941	Kyle	Yes, people can get hurt. That's how terrorism works. But if you give into that, Doug, you're allowing terrorism to work. Do the right thing here.
942	Cartman	Give the orders to pull the episode, Mr. President!
943	FOX President	I shouldn't even be in the office still. It's supposed to be half-day Friday.
944	Woman	Mr. President, thirty seconds to airtime. What do you want us to do?!
945	Kyle	Do the right thing, Mr. President.
946	FOX President	How about I allow the episode to air but, just censor out the image of Mohammad again.
947	Kyle	I wish that was good enough, but if you censor out Mohammad, then soon you'll have to censor out more.
948	Cartman	No gay speeches, Kyle!
949	Kyle	If you don't show Mohammad, then you've made a distinction what is okay to poke fun at, and what isn't. Either it's all okay, or none of it is.
950	Woman	Five seconds, Mr. President!
951	Kyle	Do the right thing. Show Mohammad. Do. The right. Thing.
952	Woman	Mr. President, we need a decision now!
953	FOX President	Family Guy goes on air as planned. Uncensored.
954	Kyle	Yes!
955	Cartman	No! No, I hate Family Guy!!
956	Woman	Air it!
957	Lois	Peter! You got a pink slip at work?
958	Peter	You think that's bad? Remember the time I got a salmon helmet from Mohammad while wearing a toga?
959	Peter	Coming Mohammad.
960	Peter	Wow, a salmon helmet! Thanks!
961	Peter	Anyway, what were we talking about?
962	Peter	Oh yeah, my pink slip.
963	President Bush	Hey, that wasn't bad at all. They just showed Mohammad standin' there, lookin' normal.
964	An Official	Mr. President, the terrorists are retaliating!
965	President Bush	What?!
966	Peter	Or the time I-
967	SNN anchor	As soon as the image of Mohammad appeared, terrorist leader al-Zawahri announced the retaliation!
968	Al-Zawahri	We warned you not to show Mohammad- But "Family Guy" did it anyways. So now, here is our retaliation on America!!!
969	American Male 1	Hello, I am American.
970	American Male 2	I'm American too.
971	American Male 1	We like to crap own each other.
972	President Bush	Hello, I am the President Bush. I will crap on both of you.
973	American Male 2	Ugh! We love to crap!
974	American Female	I'm American. I'm pregnant with a baby, but I'm not married.
975	American Male 3	Let's crap.
976	Jesus	Look at me! I'm Jesus! Would you like me to crap on you, Mr. Bush?
977	All	Mmm, yummy yummy crap.
978	Al-Zawahri	Oh yeah, take THAT! We burned you! THAT WAS WAY FUNNIER THAN FAMILY GUY.
979	Waiter	Hi, welcome to P.F Chang's. How spicy would you like me to make your Chang sauce?
980	Head Waiter	Chris, the people at Table 3 need their check.
981	Chris	I know. I'm swamped. I've got no help here!
982	Head Waiter	Well what about the new waiter?
983	Chris	The new waiter is useless. And, I think he's high.
984	Towelie	How spicy would you like your Chang sauce?
985	Male Diner	Will you just place our order, please?
986	Towelie	Oh man, I have no idea what's goin' on.
987	Head Waiter	Everything okay here?
988	Male Diner	Fine, except this towel has been mixing Chang sauce for fifteen minutes. He's clueless!
989	Towelie	Don't call me shoeless! You're shoeless!
990	Male Diner	Yeah? Well you're a towel!
991	Towelie	You're a towel!
992	Head Waiter	All right, that's it! Get out of here! You're fired!
993	Towelie	Yeah!
994	Head Waiter	Not him, you!
995	Towelie	Awww.
996	Towelie	Aw man, I really screwed up this time. The rent's due at the end of the month, and I don't have any money. I need to shape up and find a new job, quick. But first, maybe I'll get a little high. Wait. Here it goes. Good ideas comin'. Yeah. Hey yeah! I should become a writer! If I just write a book about my life, I can get it published and then make plenty of money to pay rent.
997	Towelie	A MILLION LITTLE FIBERSByToweleeeieThis is a really good idea...
998	Publisher 1	Aha. Mmm. Yes. Yes, I see. Well, that's quite a fascinating story, you being engineered as a towel with a computer chip that determines dryness.
999	Towelie	Yep! And it's all true.
1000	Publisher 1	Chapters 4 through 8, however, seem to all be about Doritos Brand Corn Chips.
1001	Towelie	I guess I could edit those chapters down some.
1002	Publisher 1	Don't bother. I'm sorry to tell you this, sir, but nobody's ever going to publish your memoirs.
1003	Towelie	Huh? Why not?
1004	Publisher 1	Well, just the small trivial fact that... people aren't interested in autobiographies of towels.
1005	Towelie	Wull yeah, but, maybe people will read my memoirs and like, apply its lessons to their own lives.
1006	Publisher 1	No. They won't. Because they're people. And you're a towel.
1007	Towelie	You're a towel!
1008	Publisher 1	No. I'm a big book publisher who's not the least bit interested in your stony memoirs. You're a towel.
1009	Towelie	Now what am I gonna do? I gotta pay rent and I just wasted three weeks writin' my memoirs. It's time for me to stop bein' so irresponsible. I've gotta shape up, focus, an' come up with real solutions to my problems. I'd better get a little high. Oh, maybe I shouldn't.
1010	Joint	But you have to think of somethin' fast, an' gettin' high makes you smart.
1011	Towelie	All right, I'll just use my special gettin'-high powers one more time. Hey. Hey, wait a minute. Of course! That's it! Why didn't I think of it before?
1012	Towelie	All my life I've been a pretty irresponsible towel. person. I thought I was somehow stronger and more immune than other towels. people. This is a really good idea.
1013	Publisher 2	Ogh. Oh my God. Uh I could not believe a human being has led this kind of life, Mr...!
1014	Towelie	McTowelie. Steven McTowelie.
1015	Publisher 2	It's heartbreaking passages like this one: "I am a person who often gets hung out to dry by all those around me." I know this company would be honored to publish this book. I just have one small question first. You're not... a towel, are you?
1016	Towelie	...No. If I was a towel, why would I be wearin' this hat, an' this fake mustache?
1017	Publisher 2	Right, I'm sorry. Well Steveen, if it's all right with you, I'm gonna to get our agents and lawyers on the phone right now. We're in business, sir.
1018	Towelie	All right!
1019	Oprah	Thank you so much. Once in a while I come across a book that is sooo honest and sooo moving that it changes my life. "A Million Little Fibers" is the true story about a man who was born in a laboratory. Please welcome author Stevem McTowelie! Steven, when I read your book, I thought to myself, "How can a human being go through all this and still turn out okay?"
1020	Towelie	Well, I guess I'm just an extra-special tow- person.
1021	Oprah	You talk in your book how you would sometimes have to spend days hung up on a rack. What would that do to you emotionally? You have been through... so much, and I think that people all over America could benefit...
1022	Her crotch	Oh God, there she goes again, babblin' about people's lives and carryin' on. She hasn't paid any attention to me in years!
1023	Oprah	...a life that kept getting up whenever it was down...
1024	Her crotch	Nobody knows what it's like to be Oprah's minge. All she does is work, never gives her ol' minge a nice rub now and again. A minge needs attention! At least a scratch once in a while!
1025	Oprah	Well Steven, your book hasn't sold a lot of copies yet, but I have some pretty exciting news for you!
1026	Mingie	Used to be a time when Oprah would play with me night and day. She'd pet me for hours usin' every finger. Now I just sit here, in the dark, not even so much as a pinky! I should write a book! Be much more depressin' than his!
1027	Oprah	And so, Steven, I'm making your book my official Book of the Month selection!
1028	Towelie	Really? Wow. I'm gonna get super-rich now.
1029	Oprah	Uh huh, okay. Well listen, maybe we can get her in as a guest on the 19th. All right, is John Travolta available to be a guest the week after that? Okay, that might work better since it's Sweeps Week.
1030	Mingie	Can't take it anymore. All she ever does is work work work, never pays attention to the ol' minge. I'm always trapped in these stuffy pantsuits. I want attention! I'm bloody bored!
1031	A voice	Oh stop your complainin'! I'm tryin' to sleep back here.
1032	Mingie	Ay, 'oo's that? Is that you, Gary?
1033	Gary	Yes it's me. You think you've go' it bad? Oprah hasn't paid any attention to me in years.
1034	Mingie	Oh, what do you care? You're just an asshole. I'm a minge! Minges need stimulation.
1035	Gary	Assholes need stimulation too, you bastard! I want to travel. I want to see Paris. I thought lamp was goin' to get better, but Oprah's always busy. Werkin' and werkin', diyatin' and not diyatin'. I need a pukin' up mounds of chocolate cake or teaspoons of weedgrass.
1036	Mingie	She's a workaholic. Let's face it: the only way we're ever goin' tuh get any attention is if Oprah doesn't work anymore.
1037	Gary	Well that'll never happen.
1038	Mingie	Not unless she gets fired.
1039	Gary	Fired... You got a plan, Mingie?
1040	Mingie	That bloke on the show today, the one Oprah supported. 'E isn't a bloke at all. 'E's a towel.
1041	Gary	Ooo. How d'you know?
1042	Mingie	I'm a minge. Minges know a towel when they hear one. If evidence gets out that Oprah's champion author is a towel, she'll look right foolish. Fans'll start droppin' off by the millions.
1043	Gary	'Ow do we get proof?
1044	Mingie	We get somebody else to do it. The greatest investiga'ive reporter of our time.
1045	Butler	Mr. Rivera.
1046	Geraldo	What is it, Dimitri?
1047	Dimitri	There's somebody on the phone to speak with you. He says he has inside information for you that may discredit Oprah Winfrey.
1048	Geraldo	Thith ith Geraldo.
1049	Mingie	'Allo 'Eraldo. I've got some information for you ya might find interestin'. It could make Oprah Winfrey look quite foolish.
1050	Geraldo	Who am I thpeaking with?!
1051	Gary	'E wants to know who 'e's speakin' with.
1052	Mingie	Let's just say I work very closely with Oprah. You'd like to see 'er discredited, wouldn't ya?
1053	Geraldo	What information do you have?
1054	Mingie	What'd 'e say?
1055	Gary	He wants to know what information we have.
1056	Mingie	Just tell me wha' 'e says, Gary! Don't wait for me 'o ask you "wha' 'e say?"!
1057	Gary	Stop wastin' my time.
1058	Mingie	Ay, don't get snooty with me, Gary!
1059	Gary	I didn't say "stop wastin' my time," Geraldo did.
1060	Geraldo	What ith going on here?!
1061	Mingie	Oh all right Gary, this isn't workin'. Let's switch. I'll listen and you talk.
1062	Gary	Hallo?
1063	Geraldo	Who ith thith?
1064	Gary	This is Gary.
1065	Geraldo	Gary who?! What is your last name?!
1066	Mingie	Don't give away your name. We don't want anyone to know where we are.
1067	Gary	A'right, look. All you need to know is that I'm definitely not Oprah's asshole.
1068	Mingie	Aw you stupid twit!!
1069	Gary	Don't call me a twit, Geraldo!
1070	Mingie	He didn't call you "stupid twit," I did!! Now just tell 'im this:
1071	Gary	The writer of the book on Oprah's Book of the Month Club is a phonih. He's not a person at all. He's a towel.
1072	Geraldo	A towel? A talking towel? That doethn't make any thenthe.
1073	Mingie	Tell 'im 'e'd be surprised at things that can talk.
1074	Gary	You'd be surprised at things that can talk.
1075	Geraldo	What proof do you have of this accusation?!
1076	Gary	Just look into the author of "A Million Little Fiyabers," and you'll discover the truth.
1077	Geraldo	And how do I go about that? Hello? HELLO?!
1078	Announcer	This is Larry King Live.
1079	Larry King	My guest tonight is Steven McTowelie, author of the acclaimed book, "A Million LIttle Fibers." How are you tonight, Steven?
1080	Towelie	Well Larry, I'm a little high.
1081	Larry King	Your book has helped a lot of people beat addiction. What made you write it?
1082	Towelie	Well Larry, I was... really just writin' down my memoirs as I-
1083	Larry King	What? What's that? Oh ex- oh excuse me, Steven, I understand that we have a special report coming in. Joining us live from Afghanistan, here is Geraldo Rivera.
1084	Geraldo	Hello? Larry, are you receiving me?
1085	Larry King	We're here, Geraldo. You're live on the show.
1086	Geraldo	Larry, this brave reporter has been days investigating and researching, and I have come up with a shocking discovery that is going to rock the balls and ass of the literary world! Steven McTowelie, author of "A Million LIttle Fibers," is a towel!
1087	Towelie	You're a towel.
1088	Geraldo	No, you're a towel.
1089	Towelie	Well you're a beaner towel.
1090	Geraldo	What did you say??
1091	Towelie	I'm sorry. I'm high.
1092	Aide 1	This looks pretty bad, Oprah.
1093	Aide 2	Your fans look to you to be all-knowing and all-seeing, and you've just spent two weeks supporting a lying racist towel.
1094	Mingie	'E did it, Gary! 'Eraldo got the proof!
1095	Gary	Oprah's got egg all over her face! She'll have to retire!
1096	Mingie	It's the beginning of a new life for us, Gary. Without 'er career 'o worry about, Oprah's sure to travel the world! Enjoy the finer things in life! She'll spend hours just ... playin' with 'er own minge!
1097	Gary	And her Gary too.
1098	Mingie	Sure. And 'er Gary. We did it, mate!
1099	Aide 2	Oprah, we need to know what we're going to do.
1100	Oprah	What's the big deal? His book helped people. Why does it matter than he made some stuff up? Are people really going to be that mad?
1101	Protester 1	Your book got me to give up alcohol! But I thought you were a person!
1102	Protester 2	Yeah, we want our money back, you dumb towel!
1103	Latino Protesters	¡No insultar Mexicanos! ¿Oye? ¡No insultar Mexicanos! ¿Oye?
1104	Towelie	Oh God, I'm really in trouble now. Hello?
1105	Oprah	Steven, it's Oprah. Can you come on my show again tomorrow?
1106	Towelie	Why?
1107	Oprah	We need to tell the audience why you changed some of the facts in your book; that you thought it necessary to "heighten" certain things to make the book more relevant to people.
1108	Towelie	Hey yeah.
1109	Oprah	Just come on the show and explain in a very level-headed way that changing some facts shouldn't matter if the book helps people, okay?
1110	Towelie	Okay. Thanks Oprah! You're a real friend.
1111	Oprah	See you tomorrow.
1112	Towelie	All right, I got one chance here. I need to focus and come up with what I'm gonna say. Maybe I should get a little high. No! Wait a minute! I'm not going to get high this time.
1113	Joint	Aw, come on. You need to come up with ideas of what to say on Oprah.
1114	Towelie	But, the ideas I come up with when I'm high keep gettin' me in trouble.
1115	Joint	Yeah. That's why you should only get a little high.
1116	Towelie	Well, maybe just a little high.
1117	Oprah	Today my guest is once again Steven McTowelie, whose memoirs many of you purchased after I made it my Book of the Month Selection.
1118	Mingie	Ya hear that, Gary? Nobody's applaudin'!
1119	Gary	Yeah! They're all right pissed off! This is great!
1120	Oprah	Now, it turns out that your name isn't really Steven. It's Towelie, correct?
1121	Towelie	Yeah.
1122	Oprah	And you are a towel.
1123	Towelie	Yes, I'm pretty much a towel, Oprah.
1124	Oprah	Can you explain to the audience why you said you weren't a towel before?
1125	Towelie	Well Oprah, I was all, like, um... uh, woo dat all like... It's like...
1126	Oprah	Was it that you thought embellishing the story was okay if it helped people?
1127	Towelie	Yeah. Yeah, that's it!
1128	Oprah	Well you know what I think, Towelie? I think you're a LYING SACK OF SHIT! You lied to all these people, and for what??!! To make money!! They bought your book thinking it was true!!
1129	Man 1	That's right!
1130	Man 2	Yeah.
1131	Towelie	But I thought you said-
1132	Oprah	How DARE you like to me and make me look foolish?!
1133	Mingie	What's this? What's she doin'?
1134	Gary	I don't understand, Mingie.
1135	Oprah	You think writing is a joke, you stupid towel?!
1136	Man 3	Yeah, you you get him, Oprah!
1137	Audience	Yeah!
1138	Oprah	You will not get away with this!
1139	Mingie	She's getting everyone back on 'er side! Oh, tha' clever cow!
1140	Oprah	You lied to me, Towelie! And therefore you have lied to America! We are going to rise up against you! Is this audience ready for a good old-fashioned lynching?!
1141	Audience	Yeah!
1142	Towelie	Huh?
1143	Oprah	Audience, if you look under your seats, you'll find your very own torches!
1144	Audience	Whoa.
1145	Gary	Minge, does this mean I have to wait to see Paris?
1146	Mingie	There's not gonna be any Paris! Don't you get it, Gary?! The fat cow get everyone on 'er side again! She'll be workin' more than ever now! Our plan is ruined!
1147	Gary	No!
1148	Oprah	We'll give you a five-second headstart. One. Two.
1149	Towelie	Hoooo!
1150	Oprah	Let's get him!
1151	Woman	Burn him! Burn the towel!
1152	Man 4	Burn that which lies to Oprah!
1153	Oprah	Looks like your time is up, Towelie! I've led my adoring fans RIGHT to you!
1154	Man 5	All right Oprah!
1155	Oprah	I've shown my fans that... ugh! Ow! Wha??
1156	Mingie	All right! Everyone back! Get back I said!
1157	Oprah	What the hell is this??!!
1158	Mingie	Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
1159	Gary	Mingie, what're you doin'?
1160	Mingie	Gettin' ou'a here Gary! One way or another!
1161	Oprah	What is going on??!!
1162	Mingie	Shut up! Shut up, you miserable old cow, or so help me I'll blow your brains out! I want a chooper! You got that?! And a jet waiting at the airport!
1163	Gary	Mingie, have you lost your mind?
1164	Mingie	Come on, Gary! You always said you wanted to see Paris!
1165	Gary	Not like this, Mingie. Not like this!
1166	Officer	All right, gig is up. Put down the gun!
1167	Mingie	Stay back, mate!
1168	Officer	Drop the gun and step away.
1169	Mingie	I'm warnin' you!
1170	Officer	Put it down, I said- Augh! Gawhh
1171	Gary	Jesus Minge! You killed him! You shot him dead!
1172	Mingie	No turnin' back now, Gary.
1173	Gary	Oh God, I think I'm goinna be sick eh.
1174	Mingie	Oh keep your head, Gary.
1175	Gary	I can't, uh... I'm goinna puke!
1176	Mingie	Ah, Gary, that smells awful! Now I'm gonna throw up! Try to leave and I'll shoot you too! You hostages aren't goin' anywhere till we get what we want!
1177	Man 6	Oh my God, what are we goinna do?
1178	Man 7	You got us into this, towel. Think of somethin'!
1179	Towelie	All right, I'm gonna get a little high. No! No I'm NOT gonna get high! Every time I get high, I come up with ideas that get me in more trouble. I'm not gettin' high this time!
1180	Geraldo	I'm standing in the business district of central Chicago, where Oprah's vagina has killed a police officer and taken several people hostage. It is yet unconfirmed but believed that Oprah's asshole may be an accomplice in this as well.
1181	SWAT Officer 1	Got the walkie-talkie you asked for.
1182	Mingie	Put it underneath me. Slowly, mate, slowly! Now back off. All right, Gary, squeeze the walkie button. This is Oprah's minge!
1183	Lt. Nelson	Hellow, I'm Lieutenant Nelson. What are your demands?
1184	Mingie	I want a chopper, and a jet waiting at the airport to take us to France! Plus we need some fresh knickers right away.
1185	Lt. Nelson	All right, how about fresh underwear for one hostage.
1186	Mingie	I'm not playing games with you, mate! Gary's drownin' in his own sick!
1187	Lt. Nelson	All right, we'll work on it. Don't do anything foolish. We don't have any time; this is the most unstable vagina I've ever talked to.
1188	SWAT Officer 2	O'Reilly, you got a shot?
1189	O'Reilly	I got it.
1190	Lt. Nelson	Not with those hostages so close! It's too risky!
1191	Gary	Oh just put down the gun, Mingie. Maybe they'll go easy on us.
1192	Mingie	Don't be stupid, Gary. I've got a policeman. They'll fry me, lock you up for life.
1193	Gary	Aw Mingie, I'm soo scared.
1194	Mingie	We're gonna get out of here, mate. Just leave it to me.
1195	SWAT Officer 3	Oprah's vagina, this is your last warning! Put down the gun!
1196	Mingie	If that chopper isn't here in two minutes, I'm killin' a hostage!
1197	Towelie	Hey wait a minute. Pssst!
1198	Mingie	I mean it! Hostages are gonna start dyin' if you don't listen!
1199	SWAT Officer 4	Hostages are clear!
1200	Lt. Nelson	All right, that's it. Take it out!
1201	Oprah	AAAAaaah!
1202	Mingie	What the? Haha! You missed me, you stewpid buggers! You see that Gary? They can't even aim!
1203	Gary	Min... Mingie.
1204	Mingie	Gary, what's, what's wrong?
1205	Gary	They got me, Mingie.
1206	Mingie	No... Oh no!
1207	Gary	Aye. They got me bad. Oh, the blood.
1208	Mingie	Try to hang on, Gary!
1209	Gary	Ih... It's gettin' dark, Minge.
1210	Mingie	Oh Gary! What have I gotten ya into?
1211	Gary	I've seen muh life flash before me eyes. Mingie!
1212	Mingie	I'm 'ere, Gary!
1213	Gary	Where... where are we, Mingie? Are we in Paris?
1214	Mingie	Yeah. Yeah, we're in Paris, mate.
1215	Gary	Ahhh... Is it as wonderful as I 'oped?
1216	Mingie	Ih, it's beautiful. We've finally made it!
1217	Gary	Tell me what you see, Mingie.
1218	Mingie	Well, there's the... Eiffel Tower right in front of us. The Louvre, right over there behind ya. And f-fresh baguettes all around.
1219	Gary	Ahhh... I can smell them, Mingie. At least I got to see Paris before I-
1220	Mingie	Gary? Gary, say somethin'. You killed him, you bastards! He didn't even want any part in this! This is all your fault, you stupid cow! You never gave your ol' Gary the time of day and now he's gone! Life ain't worth livin' any more! What's the use?! ...I'm comin' to see you, Gary! I'm comin' to see ya!
1221	Oprah	No! Don't!
1222	Lt. Nelson	Oprah's going to be okay. Wish I could say the same for her vagina and asshole.
1223	Detective	That's a great idea you had to sneak the hostages inside the bank.
1224	Man 7	Yeah, it sure was. We're sorry we tried to burn you and murder you before.
1225	Towelie	Aw, that's okay. This whole thing was my fault. I learned that I shouldn't get high to come up with ideas. I should come up with ideas and then get high, to reward myself.
1226	Joint	Youuu said it.
1227	Mr. Mackey	M'kay, students, we have a very special guest speaker today. Who can tell me the name of our country's last vice-president?
1228	Kyle	Dick Cheney?
1229	Mr. Mackey	No, the last one.
1230	Butters	Bill Clinton.
1231	Mr. Mackey	No, Clinton's vice-president. He is here today to talk to you students about some very serious issues. Please welcome Al Gore.
1232	Stan	Who?
1233	Al Gore	Thank you, Mr. Mackey, students of South Park Elementary.. I'm here to educate you about the single biggest threat to our planet. You see, there is something out there which threatens our very existence and may be the end of the human race as we know it. I'm talking of course about... ManBearPig.
1234	Kyle	ManBearPig?
1235	Al Gore	It is a creature which roams the earth alone. It is half man, half bear, and half pig. Some people say that ManBearPig isn't real. Well, I'm here to tell you know, ManBearPig is very real, and he most certainly exists. I'm serial. ManBearPig doesn't care who you are or what you've done. ManBearPig simply wants to get you! I'm super-serial. But have no fear, because I am here to save you! And someday, when the world is rid of ManBearPig, everyone will say "Thank you, Al Gore. You're super awesome." The end.
1236	Mr. Mackey	Uhhh, ohhhkay, thank you Mr. Gore.
1237	Al Gore	Thank you, class. Excelsior!
1238	Cartman	Check out this sweet move. Kyle, you can't block like that.
1239	Kyle	Just play the game, fatass!
1240	Stan	Pass it to me, Cartman?
1241	Cartman	Hang on. I'm going to do something killer. God damnit, stop it, Kyle!
1242	Cartman	All right, check it out. This is a total Kobe Bryant I'm about to do.
1243	Kyle	Just take a shot or pass the ball, asshole! It's getting late!
1244	Cartman	Let's just see who gets the ball this time, Jewboy! Kyle, knock it off!
1245	Stan	Cartman, stop hogging the goddamned ball!
1246	Beast	FOOD! Don't worry, it's not really ManBearPig. It's me, Al Gore.
1247	Kyle	We know.
1248	Cartman	Dude, what are you doing?
1249	Al Gore	I'm spreading ManBearPig awareness. Here, each of you kids take a pamphlet and a bumper sticker. I hope now you boys see that this is totally serial. The next time, it could be the "real" ManBearPig. Can I just get you to sign the awareness sheet? Just your name and phone number and where you first heard about ManBearPig?
1250	Randy	Uhh, Stan?
1251	Stan	Oh, hey Dad.
1252	Al Gore	Hello.
1253	Randy	It's ah, getting late, boys. Why don't you get in the car and I'll drive you all home?
1254	Kyle	Okay, Mr. Marsh.
1255	Al Gore	Be safe.
1256	Randy	Boys, I don't want you hanging out with that ex vice-president anymore, okay?
1257	Stan	Aw, he's all right, Dad. He was just trying to warn us about ManBearPig.
1258	Randy	ManBearPig?
1259	Kyle	He's half man and half bearpig
1260	Cartman	No, dude, he's half man and half bear and half pig.
1261	Kyle	That doesn't make any sense.
1262	Stan	He could be half bear, half manpig.
1263	Randy	Boys, there's no such thing as a ManBearPig. The vice president is just desperate for attention.
1264	Stan	But I feel kind of bad for him, Dad. I don't think he has any friends.
1265	Stan	Hello?
1266	Al Gore	Hello, this is Al Gore.
1267	Stan	Oh man... Hi Mr. Gore.
1268	Al Gore	I was the vice president.
1269	Stan	I know.
1270	Al Gore	Can you and your friends make it to an emergency ManBearPig meeting tomorrow morning? I have some evidence he could be in this area.
1271	Stan	Eh look, I'm sorry but, we're all kind of busy.
1272	Al Gore	Oh. I get it. You don't believe me either.
1273	Stan	No, no, it's not that.
1274	Al Gore	Yes it is. Nobody believes me! I'm trying to warn everybody and nobody takes me serial! I just want somebody in the world to take me serial just for once.
1275	Stan	Ih it's okay, Mr. Gore, I, I believe you.
1276	Al Gore	No you don't.
1277	Stan	Yeah, I'm sure ManBearPig needs to be stopped. I'm just... I'm just scared that I can't do anything to stop him.
1278	Al Gore	Are you serial?
1279	Stan	...Yes, I'm serial.
1280	Al Gore	Don't worry! We CAN stop him! Bring everyone you can to my ManBearPig meeting tomorrow at 8 a.m. sharp!
1281	Cartman	Dude, why are we going to hang out with this guy?
1282	Kenny	Yeah, I don't get it.
1283	Stan	Come on, you guys, Al Gore doesn't have any friends. We'll just make an appearance at his little meeting and then we'll go.
1284	Al Gore	Hi kids! Come on in! Okay, let's get this meeting started. What do you kids think we should do to stop ManBearPig?
1285	Stan	Yyeah, you know, Mr. Gore, uh, my dad's a geologist, and he said that ManBearPig probably isn't in Colorado.
1286	Al Gore	What does your dad look like?? Does he have large hooves where his feet should be??
1287	Stan	NO.
1288	Al Gore	Damn. For a minute there, I thought we found him.
1289	Stan	Well, this was a great meeting. Wasn't it, guys? But, we gotta get goin' to school now.
1290	Al Gore	Oh my God! ManBearPig screen active! What is this area of Colorado! It's a it's a cave of some kind!
1291	Kyle	Yeah, that's Cave of the Winds. It's a tourist attraction.
1292	Al Gore	Oh Jesus on ice skates, we've gotta get down there right away.
1293	Cartman	Ah I don't think so, dude.
1294	Kyle	Yeah, we've got school anyway.
1295	Al Gore	I can get you all excused from school.
1296	Cartman	You... have that kind of power?
1297	Al Gore	Look! You boys have a chance to help me find and kill ManBearPig once and for all! I'm totally serial!
1298	Tour Guide	Hello everyone, welcome to Cave of the Winds. Our tour is gonna take us to two chambers in one of the most elaborate cavern systems in Colorado. Before we get started I do understand we have a special guest in our group today: the ex vice president, Mr. Al Gore. Mr. Gore asked me to make sure you all knew he was here. Now, once we enter the cave we do ask you that you follow two rules: stay on the path and do not touch anything. Aright, are we ready?
1299	Group	Yeah.
1300	Tour Guide	Let's go cavin'.
1301	Tour Guide	Here we are in the main chamber of the cave; it was discovered in 1892 and first used as a hideout for smugglers of the Old West.
1302	Al Gore	Have you noticed high deposits of sulfur or a salmon-like odor coming from the caves lately?
1303	Tour Guide	Ahh, no. Now, as you can see, the cave is filled with stalagmites and stalactites. Water drips from the cave's...
1304	Al Gore	All right, kids, I need you to keep an eye out for ManBearPig droppings.
1305	Kyle	What do ManBearPig droppings look like?
1306	Al Gore	Similar to pig droppings, but more manbearlike.
1307	Tour Guide	These rocks often make interesting shapes which we like to name. For instance, this one here we named "The Hanging Mushroom." And over here we have "Man With Helmet and Two Bowling Balls." And finally, of course, the "Two Sisters." Now the cave itself is millions of years old and has a constant temperature of 57 degrees.
1308	Al Gore	Groan! Groan!
1309	Tour Guide	Sir? Mr. Gore? Is there a problem?
1310	Al Gore	Not yet.
1311	Tour Guide	All right, everyone, if you'll step this way, you'll see how the cave gets its name.
1312	Al Gore	Kids! Kids, over here! Look.
1313	Kyle	What?
1314	Al Gore	I bet this is where he's hiding. This looks like ManBearPig Central. Come on! Come on! This is where ManBearPig is! I'm serial!
1315	Tour Guide	In certain areas of the cave, the wind actually blows through, causing a sound you can hear.
1316	Group	Wow...
1317	Woman	Take a picture of the sound, Steven.
1318	Stan	Mr. Gore, I I think we should stay with the tour group.
1319	Al Gore	Wait! Shhh. Christ! He's here! Take this rope! Be ready to tie him up! I've got you now, you son of a bitch!
1320	Kyle	What are you doing?!
1321	Stan	Oh no!
1322	Al Gore	No!
1323	The Boys	Aaaah!
1324	Al Gore	Leave them alone, you Goddamned ManBearPig!
1325	The Boys	Help!
1326	Al Gore	Damn you ManBearPig! They're just children!
1327	Tour Guide	O-kay, everyone, out of the cave. Now! Go! Go! Go out, now!
1328	Kyle	Hello?
1329	Stan	Help!
1330	Kyle	We're trapped in here!
1331	Cartman	Somebody get us some help down hyah!
1332	Kyle	Hello, help!
1333	Cartman	Hello??
1334	Kenny	Hello!
1335	Stan	Help!
1336	Kyle	Forget it! They can't hear us!
1337	Kenny	What are we gonna do??
1338	Cartman	You'd better get us out of here, asshole!
1339	Stan	Me??
1340	Cartman	You just had to go and be nice to Al Gore! Now we're trapped in a cave!
1341	Stan	Maybe there's another way out of here.
1342	Kenny	Oh, no kidding.
1343	Kyle	A-all right, let's split up and look for a passageway. E-everyone take a different direction. Oh man, we're in big trouble here.
1344	Cartman	This is... bullcrap! If I'm thin- I'm gonna be so... pissed off! Goddammit!
1345	Kyle	You see anything, Kenny??
1346	Kenny	No, nothing!
1347	Kyle	Cartman?? Cartman, you see anything??
1348	Cartman	No, nothing No, nothing here! Nothing this way! Tr... treasure.
1349	Kyle	Cartman, you okay?? You need help??
1350	Cartman	I'm fine! This way is just a... dead end! Coming back to you now!
1351	Kyle	It looks like we're completely sealed in.
1352	Kenny	Yeah, No shit.
1353	Stan	There's a small passageway about 200 yards over there, but... it goes for a long long way and it's pretty steep.
1354	Kyle	Maybe we should go for it.
1355	Cartman	You guys go on ahead. I'm gonna... stay here, wait it out.
1356	Kyle	Why?
1357	Cartman	I just... I I don't feel very good. I'll just wa-, I'll just weigh you guys down.
1358	Stan	Cartman's right. First rule of survival is stay put and wait to be rescued.
1359	Cartman	No, it's okay. You guys go on ahead.
1360	Kyle	No, we'll stay here too. If we start wandering off, we're gonna get lost or killed. Let's just wait here and hope help comes soon.
1361	Cartman	That's cool. I just... I just wouldn't go over there if I were you guys. I just took a huge dump.
1362	Kyle	Aw, dude!
1363	Miner 1	The cave-in was massive. It has cut off all access in or out. The children are believe to be trapped somewhere in this area.
1364	Miner 2	Does anybody know who these kids are?
1365	Miner 1	No, nobody seems to knew them. Only that they were in the tour group. Digging to them is going to take days.
1366	Al Gore	Excuse me, Excuse me. This cave-in was no accident, and it isn't going to stop unless we move fast! I am super... duper... serial!
1367	Miner 1	What do you mean? The cave-in is over.
1368	Al Gore	I'm afraid you have a much bigger problem than a cave-in.
1369	Miner 1	What's that?
1370	Fireman	What is that, a pigbearman?
1371	Al Gore	No, stupid! It's ManBearPig!
1372	Stan	I'm sooo hungry. Do you think people even know we're here?
1373	Kyle	They saw us on the tour. Dude, where do you keep going, Cartman?
1374	Cartman	I just... n-need to keep taking a crap. I got diarrhea, really bad.
1375	Kyle	Dude, it's bad enough we have to sit here without you taking a crap every ten minutes!
1376	Stan	Let's just try to sleep. Maybe help will come tomorrow.
1377	Cartman	All that treasure. It's all mine! So long as these greedy assholes don't find out about it! You would all just looove to get your hands on my treasure, wouldn't you?! Even though I found it, you'd love to think it's somehow yours, too! God, I hate you guys! Especially you, you money-grubbing snake in the grass! Well I have news for you, Kyle! You're never going to get my treasure. I've got a little plan going, to get the treasure out of here without you ever knowing.
1378	Kyle	C-Cartman?
1379	Cartman	Oh. Hey Kyle. How's it goin'?
1380	Kyle	Dude, what are you doing?
1381	Cartman	Not much. You know, just hangin' out. How've you been, man? Good?
1382	Kyle	Dude, get away from me!
1383	Cartman	Yeah. It's nice talking with you, Kyle. See you around.
1384	Al Gore	Why won't anybody listen to me?! ManBearPig is in there and we have to kill him while we all have the chance. I'm serial!
1385	Miner 3	Mr. Gore, please, we need you to calm down. Now, w-what exactly do you suggest we do?
1386	Al Gore	I told you we need to fill the cave with hot molten lead, 'cause it's the only way to make sure ManBearPig never comes out! And I'm sane and I'm totally serial, but everyone just keeps digging!
1387	Miner 3	Well, see, the problem is that if we fill the caves with hot molten lead, it will kill those boys too.
1388	Al Gore	They're already dead! Didn't you listen to me?? They got attacked by a ManBearPig and ManBearPig leaves nobody alive! I'm super serial! Nobody will listen to me but I'm serial!
1389	Police Officer	Do you want me to get the ex vice president out of here?
1390	Miner 2	Naw, I f- I feel kind of bad for him. I don't think he has any friends.
1391	Cartman	All right. Gotta be strong. There's still a lot more treasure to go.
1392	Stan	Dude, he's really sick.
1393	HBC Reporter	It's been three days since four unidentified children were trapped in a cave-in. Three days without food and time is certainly running out. The digging continues, but progress is fatally slow.
1394	Miner 1	All right, people, we've gotta work faster! Our best estimate still puts us three days from reaching the area of the cave called Smuggler's Den.
1395	Ranger	Smuggler's Den?
1396	Tour Guide	Ih it's a room near the end of the tour where you can get your picture taken with fake treasure. Here, see?
1397	Miner 1	Based on where the boys were seen last, they're somewhere near this area! Hopefully they've followed the first rule of survival and stayed put.
1398	Kyle	Stan! Stan, wake up!
1399	Stan	Huh? What? Have they come for us?
1400	Kyle	No, it's Cartman. Something's really wrong with him.
1401	Cartman	Meh, meuh urgh. Mbeuh.
1402	Stan	Oh my God. Cartman? Dude, can you hear me?
1403	Cartman	I'm fahn. Just a lit- No big deal. Beh.
1404	Kyle	We can't wait here any longer! Dude, we've gotta get him out of here or he's gonna die.
1405	Stan	How, dude? We c- we don't even know if that passage I found goes anywhere.
1406	Kyle	Maybe we should get out first. See if we can find a way out and then come back for him.
1407	Cartman	NO DON'T! Don't leave me here, you assholes. Don't leave me here to die.
1408	Kyle	Come on come on! Pull!
1409	Stan	Goddamnit, he's soo heavy!
1410	Cartman	Buh. Hurry you guys. You gotta get me out of here.
1411	Kyle	What the hell is that??
1412	Stan	Cartman?
1413	Cartman	You guys, we've got no time! You gotta get me out!!
1414	Al Gore	This is the end of you, ManBearPig. Excelsior!
1415	Kenny	We're almost there!
1416	Stan	I can't keep carrying him, dude! I've got no strength!
1417	Cartman	Yes you do!
1418	Kyle	What the hell is that? Oh my God.
1419	Cartman	No! Let me out of here! Let me out of here, you guys!
1420	Kyle	Ruuun!
1421	Miner 1	That's it! Pull everyone out! There's nothing more we can do!
1422	Fireman 2	You're calling off the rescue?
1423	Miner 1	We didn't plan on a freak river flood. God must really want those kids dead.
1424	Fireman 2	Well what if the children aren't dead?
1425	Miner 1	Look, the cavern is completely flooded. Nothing could have survived. There's nothing left alive down there.
1426	Al Gore	Nothing left alive... I did it. I killed ManBearPig. I've saved the earth from certain destruction. Everyone is super-stoked on me, even if they don't know it.
1427	Stan	Kenny! Here, take my hand! Hurry Kyle, the water's rising!
1428	Cartman	Grab my hand.
1429	Kyle	Car... Cartman! You've gotta swim! Kick with your legs!
1430	Cartman	I can't kick!
1431	Kyle	Yes you can!
1432	Cartman	I can't! Kick yourself back to safety!
1433	Kyle	I need your help!
1434	Cartman	No, you just have to save me.
1435	Stan	Kyle! No!
1436	Al Gore	We are gathered here to say goodbye to four kids whom we all tried to help, but, in the end, could not. But where there is loss, there is hope. For ManBearPig is no more.
1437	Tour Guide	Oh Jesus, here we go again.
1438	Al Gore	I have beaten ManBearPig, and we will never forget the names of the brave young kids who lost their lives. Kid 1, Kid 2, Kid 3, and of course, Kid 4. I remember how Kid 1 used to laugh and play. And how Kid 2 was always there when I needed him.
1439	Stan	Agh.
1440	Miner 4	Oh my God!
1441	Miner 1	It's the kids!
1442	Miner 4	They're alive!
1443	Al Gore	Kids! I saved you!
1444	Stan	Just stay away from us, asshole! I was nice to you because I felt sorry for you, because you don't have any friends! But now I see WHY you don't have any friends! You just used ManBearPig as a way to get attention for yourself because you're a LOSER!!
1445	Al Gore	Hyeah right. The man who singlehandedly killed ManBearPig is a loser.
1446	Kyle	We need to get our friend to a hospital right away!
1447	Cartman	No! No I'm fine! I just need to get home, a-and rest.
1448	Stan	Cartman, seriously, you need to see a doctor.
1449	Cartman	Noo! I just need to get to a toilet. See you guys. I... habbeh... HABBEHHHHHHHHHH!
1450	Kyle	Dude, did Cartman just crap treasure?
1451	Cartman	It's mine! It's mine, you hear me?! I got it out of the cave; it belongs to me! Keep your greedy hands away!
1452	Tour Guide 2	Hey, that looks like the fake treasure from our Smuggler's Den photo room.
1453	Cartman	That's right, and I... Fake treasure?
1454	Tour Guide 2	Yeah, we put it there for kids to take their picture with. All in all, I'd say that treasure is worth about fourteen dollars.
1455	Cartman	Noo... NOOO!! NOO! OW!
1456	Kyle	You made us pull you to safety because you ate treasure?! You son of a bitch!
1457	Cartman	Don't you think I'm hurting enough, Kyle?! Ah, ow!! Dowww!
1458	Al Gore	Well, my work here is done. I've killed MBP, and now I must save the world from something else. Maybe I'll make a movie. A movie starring me. Then people will take me super-serial.
1459	Cartman	Eh!
1460	Mr. Mackey	Mrs. Cartman, we have had it with your son's behavior, mkay?! Little Billy Turner is now being treated at the hospital!
1461	Liane	Eric, why would you do such a thing?
1462	Cartman	I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to the school flagpole.
1463	Mr. Mackey	You know that's not the point!
1464	Cartman	Okay, I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to a flagpole and then gave him a hacksaw. And then told him I had poisoned his lunch milk and that the only way he could get to the antidote in time would be to saw through his leg.
1465	Liane	That's very naughty, Eric.
1466	Cartman	Well he called me chubby!
1467	Mr. Mackey	We have tried at this school to make Eric understand that there are boundaries, mkay?! But frankly, we believe his behavioral problems start at home!
1468	Liane	I know. I know he's out of control. But... you don't know what it's like. I'm sorry. It's just that... he seems to get worse every day. He just never listens.
1469	Cartman	Well nice goin', asshole! You made my mom cry!
1470	Liane	It's not him, it's you, Eric. I don't know what to do with you.
1471	Cartman	Sure you do. You're a great mom.Who's got the greatest mom in the world?I dooo.My mom is number one in my heart.It's true!
1472	Liane and Eric	My mom's the best mom, better than your mom.It's singing together in harmony.
1473	Mr. Mackey	Mrs. Cartman, I know this is extremely difficult but, there is help out there for people like you. Have you ever heard of a show called Nanny 911?
1474	Announcer	They're every parent's worst nightmare.
1475	Girl	Shut up! I hate you! I hate you!
1476	Announcer	Kids completely out of control.
1477	Boy	Look, I'm skating, I'm skating!
1478	Announcer	It's time to call Nanny 911. We've gathered a team of world-class nannies to help families in crisis. Parents of America, help is on the way! Tonight...
1479	Cartman	Mom, I need another energy drink!
1480	Announcer	This eight year old son of a single parent just won't behave.
1481	Cartman	Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!!
1482	Announcer	And Nanny Stella is selected to set him straight.
1483	Stella	It's time for Nanny Stella to show Eric Cartman his ways are not going to be tolerated anymore!
1484	Cartman	Mom, are you deaf?! Somebody's at the door!
1485	Liane	Yes. I think it's the nanny, boopsiekins.
1486	Cartman	Killer. I'm gonna be on TV now.
1487	Stella	Hello. I'm Nanny Stella.
1488	Liane	Oh, thank you so much for coming. Please come in.
1489	Stella	And you must be Eric.
1490	Cartman	Mom, I want a Twinkie.
1491	Liane	All, all right dear.
1492	Stella	Hold on, Mrs. Cartman. There are going to be some rule changes around here, Eric. First of all, no video games until chores are done.
1493	Cartman	Ha! Hahahahahaha
1494	Stella	I'm serious. Let's put down the video game and go to the kitchen.
1495	Cartman	No thanks, I'd rather naught.
1496	Stella	Right. Then I'm going to have to take it.
1497	Cartman	The hell do you think you're doing?
1498	Stella	Come on. This video game is going right here on the counter until we've done some chores. Now, first thing we're going to do is make your bed. Eric, no! This is not acceptable!
1499	Cartman	Stop trying to bogart my Xbox, you fat bitch!
1500	Stella	All right, that's it! You're going to time-out!
1501	Cartman	Time out?
1502	Stella	Whenever you are naughty, Eric, you are going to sit on this stool for five minutes.
1503	Cartman	And what exactly keeps me on the stool?
1504	Stella	It's the time-out stool. You can't get down until the time is up.
1505	Cartman	Whoa, how did I do that?
1506	Stella	Eric, you have to stay in time-out!
1507	Cartman	Ummm, no?
1508	Stella	Come on, you don't have a choice.
1509	Cartman	All right, seriously, you're starting to piss me off now.
1510	Stella	Eric, you need to listen to me. This is very important. I am getting down to eye level with Eric so that I can talk to him on his level. Eric, you need to understand why you are being punished. All right?
1511	Cartman	I'm just gonna get down as soon as you move.
1512	Stella	Well then, I'll just have to stand right here! Oh! He spit in my mouth!
1513	Liane	Yeah, it's best to avoid his level.
1514	Stella	All right! I've dealt with this before! We just need to use psychology on him!
1515	Cartman	Don't stop believing. Hold on to that feeling.
1516	Stella	Eric, can I just talk to you for a quick second? Why are you so angry?
1517	Cartman	Because you took my Xbox.
1518	Stella	Is this about more than your video game? Are you feeling angry at me because you think I'm here to change your life?
1519	Cartman	Well, yeah.
1520	Stella	And you're feeling like I have no right to come in and tell you how to live.
1521	Cartman	Yeah. I guess so.
1522	Stella	See this? You have to take the time to talk to your children about their feelings. What else are you feeling, Eric?
1523	Cartman	Well, I'm feeling confused, because I don't understand why you became a nanny.
1524	Stella	Me? Well, it's because I love children, like you.
1525	Cartman	Right, but... if you love children so much, how come you're not a mommy?
1526	Stella	Oh, I just never had kids.
1527	Cartman	Why not?
1528	Stella	It... just... didn't happen.
1529	Cartman	You're sterile, is that it? No, that's too convenient of an excuse. The truth is, nobody ever wanted to have babies with you. Isn't that it? Always the mom's maid and never the mom? Must be hard on you, knowing that the years are ticking away, your friends all getting married and all the while your uterus is slowly shriveling away, drying up, becoming totally worthless.
1530	Stella	Why you, you... you little bastard! How dare you?!
1531	Liane	Eric, naughty.
1532	Stella	What kind of monster would-
1533	Cartman	Yes, let the anger come! Strike me down while you can! But it won't make your dried-up ovaries any more fertile!
1534	Stella	That's it! I'm not doing this!
1535	Liane	Oh, but we really need some help.
1536	Stella	Find yourself another nanny... television show!
1537	Announcer	Coming up next, it's Super Nanny! Where other nannies fail, Nanny Jo comes through.
1538	Jo	This child's behavior is totally unacceptable!
1539	Jo	Well, there's no trial too tough for Super Nanny! In just three days' time you're going to see a new Eric Cartman.
1540	Doctor	I'm afraid Super Nanny is in a deep state of mental psychosis.
1541	Liane	What do you mean?
1542	Doctor	I mean, she spends most of her time sobbing and eating her own excrement.
1543	Jo	From heeell! It's from heeell!
1544	Liane	Oh dear. I don't know what else to do about my son's behavioral problems. We've been through every nanny reality show on television.
1545	Doctor	Well there... is... one more show you could still try.
1546	Announcer	When good dogs go bad, there's one man who's their best friend. Cesar Millan.
1547	Cesar	No dog is too much for me to handle. I rehabilitate dogs, I train people. I am the dog wheesperer.
1548	Liane	Please, come in.
1549	Cesar	So tell me what are the problems you are having with the child?
1550	Liane	Well, he's just... out of control. I mean, he never listens to me, and he pretty much runs my life.
1551	Cesar	So the child needs to learn that he's not the most important person in the house.
1552	Cartman	You can stop talkin' behind my back; I'm right here, fruitcake.
1553	Cesar	See I'm not looking at the child, I'm not acknowledging the child, I'm just letting the child know I'm not interested in him.
1554	Cartman	Not interested I'm me?
1555	Cesar	See the child thinks your world revolves around him, because it does. Because everything he does gets a response from you.
1556	Cartman	Yeah, well I don't see why-
1557	Cesar	Tsst.
1558	Cartman	Hey!
1559	Cesar	Don't look at the child; just keep looking at me. Let, let him know we are having a conversation.
1560	Cartman	Mom, this guy doesn't-
1561	Cesar	Tsst.
1562	Cartman	Ah! Quit it!
1563	Liane	What what is it that you're doing?
1564	Cesar	Dogs show their dominance by nipping each other on the neck, but it works equally well on a child. I just use two fingers, nip at the child's neck, doesn't hurt the child, just let him know I am dominant.
1565	Cartman	Look, Mexican, if you really think that you can-
1566	Cesar	Tsst.
1567	Cartman	KNOCK IT OFF!
1568	Cesar	Tsst. See, I'm not validating his bad behavior with either negative or positive response.
1569	Liane	Oh, that's very interesting.
1570	Cesar	I think the first thing we need to work on is getting the child some exercise. He's fat and he has all this pent-up energy that-
1571	Cartman	I'm not fat!
1572	Cesar	Tsst. -we need to let him burn off. Do you take walks with your son?
1573	Liane	Well, no, I don't.
1574	Cesar	Go on, take your son for a walk.
1575	Cartman	Ey! You think this is funny, you sonofabitch?
1576	Cesar	See once again, I am the one going for a walk. It's about me, the child is lucky to come along.
1577	Cartman	Mom, this is degrading!
1578	Cesar	Tsst.
1579	Cartman	Agh! Goddamnit! Aaarrgh!
1580	Cesar	Don't look at him, just look straight ahead and he'll run out of evergy soon.
1581	Cartman	Maaaa. Mommm. Mommm.
1582	Cesar	Here, why don't you try it now? Take your son.
1583	Cartman	Mom, seriously, people are seeing me!
1584	Cesar	Good. Just keep your confidence, shoulders back, eyes straight ahead. The child can pick up on that confidence, learning he's supposed to follow you, not lead you.
1585	Cartman	Mom, don't you love me? Can't you see I'm unhappy right now?
1586	Liane	Tsst.
1587	Cartman	Mom!
1588	Cesar	Good, Ms. Cartman. Very good!
1589	Announcer	And now, back to the Dog Whisperer.
1590	Cesar	It is important to understand that dogs run in packs. And one dog is always dominant: the pack leader.
1591	Cartman	God dammit stop ignoring me!
1592	Cesar	You must assert yourself as pack leader with dominant energy.
1593	Liane	Ahall right.
1594	Cartman	This is abuse! I am a child, and I am entitled to attention!
1595	Liane	Tsst.
1596	Cartman	Quit it, mom!
1597	Liane	It doesn't seem to work as well when I do it.
1598	Cesar	Okay, let me show you how to express the dominant energy. What I have done is I have brought over some Kentucky Fried Chicken.
1599	Cartman	Ooo, Colonel?
1600	Cesar	I am going to eat first, because that is what the pack leader does.
1601	Cartman	Give, give me the chicken. G-give me some chicken.
1602	Cesar	Tsst.
1603	Cartman	Eh, what are you doing? I want chicken! Give me some Goddamned chicken!
1604	Cesar	I am not going to acknowledge the child's attempt at aggressive dominant behavior. Now you eat the chicken.
1605	Cartman	Mom, gimme, give me some chicken; I want some chicken, Mom!
1606	Cesar	We won't reward him until he's in a calm submissive behavior.
1607	Cartman	Goddammit, I am not a dog! Give me the chicken. Give, give, give me the chicken. I want the chicken! Chicken! Give me the chicken! Give me the chicken! Give me the chicken! Give me the chicken!
1608	Cesar	We need him to become relaxed and submissive.
1609	Cartman	Gih- Okay, I'm fine. I'm cool now. May I have some chicken please?
1610	Liane	Oh, very good, sweetie.
1611	Cesar	Oh no, now he's lying. You can tell from his stance he's still aggressive-dominant.
1612	Cartman	Suck my asshole, taco vendor!
1613	Cesar	See?
1614	Cartman	Goddamnit, you can't stand here and eat KFC in front of me! Now hand it over!
1615	Cesar	Tsst.
1616	Cartman	You can't do that to me, I-
1617	Cesar	Tsst.
1618	Cartman	Goddamnit, you just can't-
1619	Cesar	Tsst.
1620	Cartman	Seriously! Ey? Eh...
1621	Cesar	I am not being aggressive; I am being dominant.
1622	Liane	Wow, I have a lot to learn.
1623	Cartman	Mom, I am serious! This has gone on long enough! Get that guy out of here and give me a piece of chicken! That's how you want it, bitch?! Fine! I hate you! I'm running away!
1624	Liane	Oh dear.
1625	Cesar	It's okay, this is all part of the dominance struggle.
1626	Liane	But what if he does run away.
1627	Cesar	Let him go. He'll be back. This a good opportunity for you to relax and enjoy your favorite hobby.
1628	Butters	Oh boy, Park Avenue! I'm rich!
1629	Cartman	Hey guys, I've got some pretty big news. I ran away from home. Yeah, my mom just... doesn't care about me anymore, so I moved out. She didn't even try to stop me. It's gonna be tough livin' on my own. But I'll get by, somehow.
1630	Stan	You can't stay here.
1631	Cartman	Maybe you didn't hear me! I ran away! I don't have anywhere to sleep! I'm out on the street!
1632	Kyle	You'er not staying at my house either.
1633	Cartman	All right, that's fine! Butters, I'll crash with you.
1634	Butters	No, my parents won't let me bring homeless people home anymore.
1635	Cartman	Well what do you guys expect me to do?! Stay at Kenny's house?! His family's totally poor; I'm not staying with poor people! All right, I'll stay with Kenny. Let's go, man.
1636	Kenny	Fuck you.
1637	Cartman	Och! Well, I guess now we see just how supportive friends can be! When the chips are down you won't even lend a hand! I'll just go sleep on the street somewhere! Out in the cold! Probably get mugged and gang-raped by some minorities! You guys'll be sorry when I turn up dead!
1638	Butters	Whoopie! G and R Railroad!
1639	Cartman	Hey Jimmy. You're not gonna believe this, but... I ran away from home. I just... I really need the support of my best friend right now.
1640	Jimmy	Who is your best friend?
1641	Cartman	You are, Jimmy! We've always been best friends. We know everything about each other.
1642	Jimmy	What's my last name?
1643	Cartman	Goddammit! Craig, dude, I ran away from home. You're the first person I came to. I knew you'd take me in off the streets.
1644	Craig	...But I hate you.
1645	Cartman	...Should that really matter at a time like this?
1646	Cartman	This is bullcrap! Mom'll break soon. I can outlast her.
1647	Cartman	All right, I'm back.
1648	Liane	Oh Eric, I'm so happy you're home.
1649	Cartman	Yes, well, hopefully you've learned your lesson! I've come back, but there's going to be some changes around here.
1650	Liane	Look what I did, Eric. I learned how to make Sumie paintings. I had almost forgotten how artistic I was.
1651	Cartman	That's super-interesting. But I've been out living in the streets for almost four hours! Make me something to eat.
1652	Liane	Cesar...
1653	Cesar	How is the painting going?
1654	Cartman	Aw, Goddammit!
1655	Cesar	Oh look it came back.
1656	Liane	Yup, just like you said he would.
1657	Cartman	What is he still doing here?!
1658	Liane	He said he's hungry. What should I do?
1659	Cesar	Well let's feed it.
1660	Cartman	What the hell is this?! Skinless chicken, boiled vegetables and salad?! This is just like Auschwitz!
1661	Cesar	This is more aggressive-dominant behavior. Don't nurture it.
1662	Cartman	Oh my God. Bite-size Snickers? That's it. I'm calling child-protective services!
1663	Cesar	Come on, Ms. Cartman, you must become pack leader. What do you do?
1664	Liane	Eric, if you don't want to eat then, why don't you go brush your teeth and go to bed?!
1665	Cesar	Nooo, you're asking him a favor. Don't ask a favor, dominate!
1666	Cartman	Mom, I want this guy OUT of here! You got it? If he's not gone, in two minutes, I will call social services on you!
1667	Cesar	You project the dominant energy and he will pick up on it. I promise. Shoulder back, head high, don't reason with it, don't argue with it, just dominate it.
1668	Cartman	I am your son, and you will listen to me! You have no right to-
1669	Liane	Tsst.
1670	Cartman	Mon, know it off! I'm not gonna stand for th-
1671	Liane	Tsst.
1672	Cartman	Seriously! Mom-
1673	Liane	Tsst.
1674	Cartman	Seriusly! Why are you... doing this-?
1675	Liane	Tsst.
1676	Cartman	Mom?!
1677	Liane	Tsst.
1678	Cartman	Mom? Mom...
1679	Liane	I did it!
1680	Cesar	You see? You're calm, assertive, and in control.
1681	Liane	Oh... Oh my gosh!
1682	Cesar	See? This is the behavior we've been looking for. This is a relaxed, submissive state.
1683	Liane	He's never done this before.
1684	Cesar	Good. Now you can reward the behavior with praise and attention.
1685	Liane	I love you very much, poopsiekins. You're Mommy's sunshine.
1686	Cesar	Now you can give him a snack. Good, this is really good. Now try a command.
1687	Liane	Eric, I want you to go upstairs and brush your teeth. Then I'll be up to read you a story before bed. Oh my goodness. I can't believe it.
1688	Cesar	This is a great first step, but you're gonna have to stay firm and confident. You are the pack leader now.
1689	Liane	I am the pack leader!
1690	Cesar	Now before you go read your son his story let's go enjoy a nice quiet cup of tea.
1691	Liane	Sounds divine!
1692	Cartman	Who does she think telling me to go brush my teeth?! Jesus. What's happening to me?
1693	Cesar	So, how is your son doing, Ms. Cartman?
1694	Liane	Oh, he's been amazing, Cesar. He got an A on his last spelling test and a B+ in history. He's losing weight and he's doing what I tell him.
1695	Cesar	That's greeat!
1696	Liane	The best part is I'm not letting him boss me around anymore. I could have never come out and have a nice lunch on a Saturday afternoon with a friend before.
1697	Cesar	Good, Ms. Cartman, sounds like you're treating your son like a son and not like a friend.
1698	Liane	There's just one problem: he still fights me every step of the way. I feel like he's doing what I tell him, but that inside he's still the same angry spoiled child.
1699	Cesar	Don't worry. When you correct the behavior, eventually you will see a change in the personality.
1700	Liane	Oh Cesar, I'm so happy to have you in my life.
1701	Cartman	Guys, listen up. I really need your help this time. I've thought about it a lot and I've decided I have to kill my mom.
1702	Butters	Kill your mom?
1703	Cartman	She doesn't let me wear whatever I want anymore. Things have really gotten out of hand! My mom must die so I can have a place to live, but without her trying to run my life. She's like Hitler with all the demands she makes.
1704	Stan	Dude, have you lost more weight?
1705	Cartman	Yes! I've lost almost ten pounds now. You see what I mean?? I totally know how it felt to be a Jew in the Holocaust now! I have to kill my mom. It's my only way out.
1706	Kyle	Dude, don't kill your mom. That's not cool.
1707	Cartman	She's Hitler! Would you have killed Hitler if you had the chance?! All right now, here's the plan. At 9:45 tonight I will sneak out of my room and leave the house, leaving the back door unlocked. You guys come into the house at 10:30 p.m. sharp, having given me enough time to get down to Perkins to be seen by everyone there. And then all four of you go upstairs to kill my mom.
1708	Stan	Dude, we're not killing your mom.
1709	Cartman	Well I can't kill her. I'm too obvious a suspect. Now, when you reach her room, Butters will keep a lookout while Kenny opens the bedroom door, Kyle puts a pillow over my mom's head, and Stan shoots her in the face.
1710	Stan	Where am I supposed to get a gun?
1711	Cartman	Well I don't know. That's your job, Stan! Do I have to think of everything here?!
1712	Stan	I'm not shooting anybody.
1713	Cartman	Okay, fine. Butters, you cover my mom's head with a pillow and Kyle can shoot her in the face.
1714	Kyle	NO, Cartman!
1715	Cartman	Oh! Well how about I do everything?! How does that sound?! I'll just do everything while you guys sit here and play video games?! Fine! I'll do it by myself!
1716	Cartman	You forced me to do this! You couldn't just love me as a son. You just had to humiliate and degrade me with your rules. I won't let you dominate my life anymore! Goodbye, Mother.
1717	Cartman's Conscience	Wait. Maybe I don't have the right to kill my mom.
1718	Cartman	No! She's my mom, I can do whatever I want with her! It's more important that I live the way I want!
1719	Cartman's Good Side	She isn't an object you can own. She's a human being.
1720	Cartman	She isn't an object I can own. Sh-she's a human being.
1721	Cartman's Bad Side	No, she's just... out to make you suffer!
1722	Cartman	Ugh. Eh. Maybe all these changes are good for me. Maybe...
1723	Cartman's Good Side	The world doesn't revolve around me?
1724	Cartman	Maybe the world doesn't revolve around me.
1725	Cartman's Good Side	The world doesn't revolve around me!
1726	Cartman's Bad Side	Idiot!
1727	Liane	Why Eric, you made your own breakfast.
1728	Cartman	Yeah Mom, it's okay. It's grapefruit and lean han.
1729	Liane	And you're studying before school?
1730	Cartman	Well, you told me I had to review my homework before class started.
1731	Liane	Oh, Eric. I'm very proud of you.
1732	Cartman	Tha... thank you?
1733	Liane	I love you, sweetie.
1734	Cartman	'K Mom, you're embarrassing me, jeez.
1735	Liane	Cesar. I'm so happy you're back.
1736	Cesar	How is the child doing?
1737	Liane	Oh, he's amazing. I think the change in personality happened. He's doing things for himself now, and he seems to be accepting it. I've lost a best friend, but I've gained a son.
1738	Cesar	That's much healthier for him, and when he gets older he'll be able to be your friend too.
1739	Liane	You're the best, Cesar, and to show my gratitude I've got two tickets for you and me to see Madame Butterfly this Friday night.
1740	Cesar	Well no, my work is done. I've got to get back to Los Angeles.
1741	Liane	Oh... But I thought we were becoming friends.
1742	Cesar	No, not really. You're just a client. Well, good luck to you. Gotta go.
1743	Cartman	I cleared up the table, Mom. I'm gonna go upstairs and make my bed now.
1744	Liane	Eric, how would you like to go with me to see Madame Butterfly Friday night?
1745	Cartman	No, that's okay. Besides, I told Stan and Kyle we could work on our science project then.
1746	Liane	Well, what if I took you to Kentucky Fried Chicken afterward? And then we'll go to Target and buy you a Mega Ranger.
1747	Cartman	Could I... perhaps have... two Mega Rangers?
1748	Liane	Yes, darling. You can have whatever you want.
1749	Cartman	Oh, dude! I just took the biggest crap. Hey-where are you guys?
1750	Kyle	We're over here, by the cart.
1751	Cartman	Okay, I'm back.
1752	Stan	Dude! We've been waiting forever!
1753	Cartman	Well, I'm sorry, I had to take a dump!
1754	Kyle	If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time, fatass!
1755	Cartman	Hey, I don't need to take any lip from a frickin' girl!
1756	Kenny	I think Kyle has fake titties, hahahaha
1757	Cartman	Heheh, totally, heheh.
1758	Kyle	Come on, we have to finish the quest in Stonehaven.
1759	Randy	Stan? Stan?
1760	Stan	H-hang on, guys, my dad wants something.
1761	Randy	Stan!
1762	Stan	What?!
1763	Randy	You've been on your computer all weekend. Shouldn't you go out and socialize with your friends?
1764	Stan	I am socializing, r-tard. I'm logged on to an MMORPG with people from all over the world, and getting XP with my party using TeamSpeak.
1765	Randy	...I'm not a r-tard.
1766	Stan	All right, sorry guys. So where to now?
1767	Kyle	See where I am? It's this way.
1768	Cartman	Yeah, come on, let's go! I am the mightiest dwarf in all of Azeroth!
1769	Kyle	Wow, look at all these people playing right now.
1770	Cartman	Yeah, it's bullcrap. I'll bet half these of these people are Koreans.
1771	Stan	Oh crap! It's that guy again!
1772	Kyle	Who is this?
1773	Stan	This is the guy that kept killing us after you went to bed!
1774	Cartman	Get out of here, asshole!
1775	Stan	He's a way higher level than us. It isn't fair.
1776	Kyle	It's all right. He can't kill us unless we agree to duel.
1777	Stan	Oh my God, he killed Kenny!
1778	Kyle	You bastard!
1779	Cartman	Don't you have better things to do than going online killing people?! No! I don't want them to start over at the graveyard! No!
1780	Cartman	That sonofabitch!
1781	Kyle	Who is that guy?
1782	Stan	Whoever he is, he is one tough badass.
1783	Rep	World of Warcraft support line.
1784	Stan	Yeah, we bought your game, and played it online, but every time we log in, some other player comes in and kills us!
1785	Rep	O..ohhh that shouldn't happen. We designed the game so that players have to agree to a duel before they can kill each other.
1786	Stan	Yeah? Well this guy does it anyway!
1787	Cartman	He's a God damned butthole!
1788	Rep	Really? That's odd. More people calling in about their characters getting killed.
1789	Co-Worker	Oh no.
1790	Rep	Well, we'll certainly keep a look out for that player and ban him from the network. Better tell the guys upstairs.
1791	President	Fellow board members, we have a problem: somebody in the World of Warcraft is ignoring the World's rules...and is going around killing innocent players..
1792	Member 1	Why kill innocent players? The game is about finishing quests.
1793	Member 2	We've got to delete him from the servers.
1794	President	We can't. Whoever this player is, he has played World of Warcraft so much, that he has reached a level we thought unreachable. He's actually able to kill our admins. And he grows stronger every day.
1795	Member 3	Jesus...
1796	Jim	I've gotta get home! My kids are playing World of Warcraft right now!
1797	President	Jim, your kids' characters are already dead.
1798	Jim	No... No... They just started playing!
1799	Member 2	What kind of person would do this?
1800	President	Only one kind. Whoever this player is, he has played World of Warcraft nearly every hour of every day for the past year and a half. Gentlemen, we are dealing with someone here who...haw absolutely no life.
1801	Member 3	How do you kill...that which has no life?
1802	Nelson	Randy, you workin' on that sediment analysis?
1803	Randy	Not now, Nelson. I just joined a big party of night elves and we're gonna explore the Tower of Azora together.
1804	Nelson	Is that a computer game?
1805	Randy	No, r-tard, it's an MMORPG. These are real people I'm playing with. See, I'm a hunter, level 2. I can chat with all these other people. I can even wave to this guy, see? "Hello." In the outside world, I'm a simple geologist, but in here...I am Falcorn, Defender of the Alliance. I've braved the Fargodeep mine and defeated the Bloodfish at Jarod's Landing.
1806	Nelson	Hm. Looks like that guy just killed you.
1807	Randy	What?? Why?? Why?!
1808	Cartman	My friends: as you all know, some giant butthole keeps logging onto Warcraft and killing all our characters.
1809	Kyle	The past...four nights we've tried to play, he shows up and kills us!
1810	Craig	He killed my character right in the middle of a quest!
1811	Tweek	Mine too!
1812	Cartman	We've learned that the four of us can't fight him alone. But, if we all log in together!, we might have a chance.
1813	Token	Hey yeah!
1814	Jimmy	We can really stick it to that assm-m-muncher!
1815	Clyde	Are you guys dumb? We can't beat him, even with all of us. It's a waste of time.
1816	Stan	Ddue, we have to try.
1817	Clyde	I've got better things to do.
1818	Cartman	Clyde, Clyde! If you had a chance right now to go back in time and stop Hitler, wouldn't you do it? I mean, I personally wouldn't stop him because I think he was awesome, but you would, right?
1819	Clyde	I'm just gonna stop playing.
1820	Cartman	When Hitler rose to power there were a lot of people who just stopped playing. You know who those people were? The French! Are you French, Clyde?
1821	Clyde	No.
1822	Cartman	Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, Clyde?
1823	Clyde	All right all right, I'll do it!
1824	Jimmy	So what's the p-plan?
1825	Cartman	All right, you all login from your computers at precisely 7:30. We will meet here, on the plains of the elven forest near Westfall. My friends, to victory!
1826	All	To victory!
1827	Butters	I don't play World of Warcraft.
1828	Cartman	Butters, you said you were on your computer all the time!
1829	Butters	Yeah, but I'm playing Hello Kitty Island Adventure.
1830	Cartman	Butters, go buy World of Warcraft, install it on your computer, and join the online sensation before we all murder you.
1831	Butters	O-oh, o-oh, a-alright. All right then.
1832	Cartman	All right, you guys, this is it! When the attack begins, all warriors click on defensive stance. Everyone else, wait for Craig to cast his intellect buff.
1833	Token	Okay.
1834	Jason	Got it.
1835	Cartman	The battle is sure to be long, so make sure you all have your special abilities macroed to your keyboards.
1836	Jimmy	All right, Eric. You can c-c-count on us.
1837	Timmy	Timmy!
1838	Cartman	This shall be a day for all to remember! Let us bravely charge the fields of Azeroth! From with-
1839	Butters	Hey fellas! Boy, this is neato, huh?
1840	Cartman	Butters? What the hell are you doing?
1841	Butters	I got World of Warcraft, like you said.
1842	Cartman	You can't be the dwarf character, Butters, I'm the dwarf.
1843	Butters	Well, there's only like four races to choose from-
1844	Cartman	So pick another one! I'm the dwarf, you stupid asshole! Log out, create a new character, and log back in!
1845	Butters	I like Hello Kitty Island Adventure a lot more 'n this stuff.
1846	Stan	Come on, let's do this!
1847	Craig	Yeah, my mom says I have to be in bed at 9:30.
1848	Cartman	Then let's move out!
1849	Stan	Look! There he is!
1850	Cartman	Everyone hold!
1851	Kyle	He's targeting us.
1852	Cartman	Prepare to charge! Scroll over him with your mouse cursors! And...Right-click! What the? Oh Jesus, he summoned scorpions!
1853	Tweek	Aaaa! I'm burning! Oh Jesus I'm burning!
1854	Jimmy	Kenny's down. K-k-kenny is down.
1855	Ike	I have poop on my pants.
1856	Kyle	Ike, look out!
1857	Cartman	All right, Clyde, hit him with your crossbow! Hit him now, Clyde! Clyde? Clyde! Clyde! Clyde, you asshole! Goddamnit we lost Clyde!
1858	Randy	Hey, Stan, can I play with you guys?
1859	Stan	Dad??
1860	Randy	Yeah, I'm playing from the office.
1861	Stan	Dad, get off our teamspeak line!
1862	Token	That's it, I'm dead!
1863	Stan	That's it, screw this game!
1864	Cartman	Now, leave me alone, don't do- that, dugh God-fucking-damnit!!!
1865	Member 3	Oh Jesus...Oh God no...
1866	President	What?
1867	Member 3	He just finished killing every single player in the Arathi Highlands.
1868	Member 1	How many people's characters were in there?
1869	Member 2	Over five thousand.
1870	Member 1	There are over seven million people who log on to World of Warcraft! Are you telling me all those people's characters are going to die, and there's nothing we can do to save them?
1871	President	Yes. And it won't be long before everyone gets really really frustrated and stops playing altogether. Gentlemen, this could very well lead to the end of the World...of Warcraft.
1872	Member 5	No! Nooooooooo!
1873	Cartman	What the hell are you guys doing?? Don't tell me you all quit playing World of Warcraft too?!
1874	Stan	Dude, we're done. we're sick of getting killed all the time.
1875	Cartman	Guys, when things look bad, you can't just give up on the world. Of Warcraft.
1876	Kyle	We don't have a choice, dude. That guy killed our characters 14 times.
1877	Cartman	I have a solution, you guys. That guy can kill us so easily because he's a super-high level, right? What if we were super-high level too?
1878	Stan	We can't get to a higher level because that dude doesn't let us finish quests!
1879	Cartman	That's why we just need to log in and stay in the forest, killing boars.
1880	Kyle	Boars?
1881	Cartman	There's lots of computer-generated boars in Warcraft that die with just one blow.
1882	Kyle	Dude, boars are only worth two experience points apiece. Do you know how many we would have to kill to get up 30 levels?
1883	Cartman	Yes. Sixty-five million three hundred and forty thousand two hundred and eighty five. Which should take us seven weeks five days thirteen hours and twenty minutes, giving ourselves three hours a night to sleep. What do you say, guys? You can just...you can just hang outside in the sun all day tossin' a ball around, or you can sit at your computer and do somethin' that matters.
1884	Paul Stanley	Live to win, 'till you die, 'till the light dies in your eyes!Live to win, take it all, just keep fighting till you fall!Day by day, kickin' all the way, I'm not cavin' inLet another round begin, live to winYeah! Live! Yeah!Win!
1885	Member 3	Sir, you'd better have a look at this! Four of our subscribers...They've gone up fifty levels in three weeks.
1886	President	My God...they must have no lives at all.
1887	Member 3	A hope?
1888	President	A chance.
1889	Paul Stanley	Llive to win, 'till you die, 'till the light dies in your eyesLive to win, take it all, just keep fighting 'till you fall<p>Day by day, kickin' all the way, I'm not cavin' inLet another round begin, live to winLive to winLive to winYeah, win
1890	Kyle	Dude, my mouse-clicking finger hurts.
1891	Cartman	Keep clicking, Kyle! You can do it!
1892	President	The admins tell us they are four players from a small town in Colorado.
1893	Member 1	Are they strong enough to defeat the Evil One?
1894	Member 5	We ran the numbers: even with their amazing rise in levels, they have a 90% mortality probability. They'd be walking in a slaughter!
1895	Member 1	There has to be...someway we can help them.
1896	Member 6	What about...the Sword of a Thousand Truths?
1897	Member 7	Quiet, Thomas! We aren't even to speak of that sword!
1898	Thomas	But maybe these new players are the ones the prophecy foretold of.
1899	Member 7	It is not an option!
1900	Thomas	What is this sword?
1901	President	Long ago, when the World of Warcraft was created, one of the programmers put a sword called the Sword of a Thousand Truths into the game inventory. Apparently it could cause 120 damage per second, with an instant mana burn and an enchantment that boosts its stamina +80.
1902	Member 7	But the sword was considered to be too powerful for anyone to possess. So it was removed from the game and stored on a one-gig flash drive.
1903	Thomas	But it was foretold that one day, players who could wield the sword might reveal themselves.
1904	Member 1	Who foretold this prophecy?
1905	President	Soltzman. He's an accountant.
1906	President	Behold, the Sword of a Thousand Truths. We must get this sword to the ones who have proven they have no life. Let's just hope to Christ they don't start the battle before we can reach them.
1907	Cartman	All right, you guys. The Moment of Truth is here. It is time for our final battle. Everyone, log in!
1908	Stan	I'm in.
1909	Kyle	Me too.
1910	Kenny	Me too.
1911	Cartman	Everyone equip healing potions to the hotbar if you haven't already. Uh, Kyle, go ahead and cast Arcane Brilliance to raise our intelligence.
1912	Kyle	Hang on, I'm chaining my fire spells for max range.
1913	Cartman	Nice. Stan, what enchantment does your Cloak of the Tiger have?
1914	Stan	15 agility.
1915	Cartman	Give the cloak to Kenny, he needs the agility boost for bow attacks.
1916	Stan	'K.
1917	Kyle	Hold on, this fight could last more than twelve hours. What if we run out of food?
1918	Cartman	Don't worry, I have that covered. Mom?
1919	Liane	Yes hon?
1920	Cartman	More Hot Pockets!
1921	Liane	Right away, hon.
1922	Stan	That's übercool.
1923	Cartman	All right, everyone ready?
1924	Kyle/Stan	Ready.
1925	Cartman	Let's go get him!
1926	Stan	Wait, I think I see him. Yeah, yeah, he's here in Goldshire.
1927	Cartman	Okay, everyone open your uplifts and autolocate to Stan.
1928	Kyle	What's the autolocate macro?
1929	Cartman	Command-0.
1930	Kyle	Okay, right behind Stan.
1931	Cartman	Kenny, get ready to turn on true-shot aura. At that moment, I will use intimidating shout.
1932	Stan	Okay, he sees us...He's targeted us.
1933	Cartman	Okay, hit him with pyroblast, Kyle.
1934	Kyle	Casting...there's an 8-second cast time.
1935	Cartman	Aren't you spec'd to reduce cast time?
1936	Kyle	No, ah, I'm an arcane fire mage.
1937	Cartman	Christ...
1938	Kyle	Cast on him again.
1939	Cartman	Everyone target scorpions.
1940	Randy	Yes?
1941	Member 1	We are looking for a great knight by the name of LovesToSpooge.
1942	Randy	That's my son's character's name in Warcraft.
1943	President	Where is he?!
1944	Randy	Who are you?
1945	President	Sir, we don't have time! We just heard from our admins that your son's party is already in battle!
1946	Member 1	Unless they have this sword, your son's character is going to die!
1947	Randy	Nn-Oh my God!
1948	Cartman	Kyle! Fire spell!
1949	Kyle	Aaaa... AH! Huh?!
1950	Stan	Kyle! Kyle! Dude, what's wrong?
1951	Kyle	Carpal tunnel! Carpal tunnel! It's aaaah!
1952	Stan	Oh, Jesus, he's got it bad!
1953	Cartman	Wait, we need Ben-Gay.
1954	Stan	Hurry dude!
1955	Cartman	I'm going as fast as I can!
1956	Stan	Kyle, you have to keep playing.
1957	Kyle	I can't. Just leave me behind.
1958	Stan	We can't do this without you now! Come on!
1959	Randy	Stan?! Stan! Sharon, where is Stan?!
1960	Sharon	I don't know. He took his computer somewhere to play that stupid online game.
1961	Member 1	Stupid?
1962	Randy	Where?!
1963	Sharon	I don't know.
1964	Randy	Sharon, his character is going to die if we don't get to him!
1965	Sharon	So what?
1966	The three men	So what?!
1967	President	We're too late. Without the sword the players will fail.
1968	Member 1	Ih if we could get to a computer, we could sign on to the World of Warcraft and give the boys the sword online.
1969	President	I don't have a World of Warcraft account. Do you?
1970	Member 1	No, I have a life.
1971	Randy	Give me the sword.
1972	Member 1	You?
1973	Randy	I have a Warcraft character. I'm a newb, but I can log on and get the sword to Stan online.
1974	Member 1	We can't trust the Sword of a Thousand Truths to a newb!
1975	Randy	Sounds to me like we don't have a choice! Give me the sword. Ahhhh. Come on, we've got to get to a computer that works!
1976	Randy	Where's your car?
1977	Member 1	We took a cab here!
1978	Randy	Damnit, mine's in the shop! Uh hey! Eh help! Stop! Please, it's an emergency! Nelson! Nelson, I need to come over and use your computer! No, I d-I need to play World of Warcraft! NELSON!
1979	Cartman	All right, major stone shield potions should be...Oh God, I'm going to have diarrhea again. Ohhh...Duuuh...
1980	Stan	You can't go to the bathroom, you're stacking sunder armor!
1981	Cartman	It's okay. Mom? Bathroom!
1982	Liane	What hon?
1983	Cartman	Bathroom! Bathroom!
1984	Liane	Oohh, that's a big boy, isn't he?
1985	Cartman	All right, Kenny, drink your elixir of the mongoose. I'm now going to use mocking blow.
1986	Randy	World of Warcraft! I need to play!
1987	Greeter	Our demo is set up right over by the-
1988	Randy	Got to...sign in...character name...All right, I'm in!
1989	Stan	Dude, I'm almost dead.
1990	Cartman	Kyle, cast arcane missile!
1991	Kyle	I'm out of mana, I told you.
1992	Stan	I've gotta heal.
1993	Randy	Staaan!
1994	Stan	Dad? Not now!
1995	Randy	Stan! I've been sent here...to bring you this. This sword can completely drain his mana.
1996	Stan	Dad, how did you get that?!
1997	Randy	No time! Just take it! Here! ...How, how do you hand something from one player to another?
1998	Stan	Bring up your inventory screen: Control-I...
1999	Randy	Okay.
2000	Cartman	Stan, what the hell are you doing?!
2001	Stan	I got it!
2002	Randy	Augh!
2003	Stan	Dad!
2004	Randy	Stan...
2005	Stan	Dad, no! You killed my father.
2006	Cartman	His shield and armor spells are down!
2007	Kyle	Attack!
2008	Cartman	Looks like you're about to get pwned. Heeyeah!
2009	Stan	Dad? Dad?
2010	Randy	Staaan. I've never been able to say this before, but...I love you, son.
2011	Stan	I know you do, Dad.
2012	Randy	Augh! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
2013	Member 1	They did it!
2014	President	Our world is saved!
2015	Man 1	They did it! They killed him!
2016	Man 2	They did it!
2017	Woman	They killed him! We can come out!
2018	Cartman	Yes!
2019	Stan	We did it!
2020	Cartman	Yeah!
2021	Stan	Yeah.
2022	Kyle	Yeah yeah.
2023	Cartman	All right, yay.
2024	Kenny	Woohoo! Oh man!
2025	Cartman	We did it you guys. We're totally heroes.
2026	Kyle	That was such über pwnage
2027	Stan	I can't believe it's all over. What do we do now?
2028	Cartman	What do you mean? Now we can finally play the game.
2029	Kyle	Oh yeah.
2030	Cartman	Okay Kenny, add Eyes of the Beast to your hotbar. Stan, check your fury talents to boost your shots.
2031	Stan	Got it.
2032	Mrs. Garrison	And so, class, that is when Joe Lee countered back to Aniston and said things like- Oh hello, Mr. Mackey.
2033	Mr. Mackey	All the girls go out in the hall please? I need to speak with the boys of this class, m'kay? Boys, we have a very serious problem! I've just come from the men's restroom, and somebody went number 2 in the urinal!
2034	Butters	What's a urinal?
2035	Stan	A wall toilet for peeing in.
2036	Mr. Mackey	And some jokester took a poop in it! Okay? Now I want whoever did it to come forward right now, and it will be less painful for everybody! M'kay?!
2037	Jimmy	Who would take a d-dump in a urinal? It's such a s-senseless crime.
2038	Cartman	Mr. Mackey, I think you might want to entertain that this is some kind of conspiracy, just like 9/11.
2039	Kyle	Oh God, here we go again! 9/11 was not a conspiracy, fatass!
2040	Cartman	Oh really?! Do you just believe everything you're told, Kyle?
2041	Mr. Mackey	Excuse me!! Could we get back to the issue, please?! You all don't seem to understand how serious this is!! Now who made dookie in the urinal?! Oh, you think it's funny, huh?! M'kay! M'kay! You're gonna think it's real funny when the police get here!
2042	Officer 1	I'm sorry, Mr. Mackey, but there just isn't really any evidence to go on.
2043	Mr. Mackey	But there must have been some motive. Nobody would just dook in the urinal for no reason.
2044	Officer 1	But who would benefit from crapping in the urinal? Uh this is too big a mystery for me. I think we'd better call in the Hardly Boys.
2045	Narrator	The Hardly Boys. Two young whippersnappers with a knack for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys in: The Mystery of the Urinal Turd.
2046	Officer 1	So, that's it, Hardly Boys, we've got no leads and nobody admitting to the crime.
2047	Frank	That sure is a mystery.
2048	Joe	Yeah, it sounds super-hard.
2049	Frank	Whoever did it must have been angry with the school. Oh... Oooo... I think I'm getting a clue.
2050	Joe	F-really?
2051	Frank	Yeah, this is totally giving me a clue right now.
2052	Joe	Oh... I'm starting to get a clue too.
2053	Frank	My clue is kind of pointing this way.
2054	Joe	Ohhgh. Yeah, now I've got a total clue.
2055	Frank	I've still got a raging clue.
2056	Joe	My clue's pointing over there now!
2057	Frank	Oh, let's follow that clue!
2058	Stan	Did they find out who crapped in the urinal yet?
2059	Kyle	Not yet.
2060	Cartman	They aren't going to find out who did it. But they'll make up a scapegoat, send him to detention, and make us all believe it. It'll be 9/11 all over again.
2061	Kyle	Will you shut up about 9/11!
2062	Cartman	Kyle, why are you so afraid of the truth?!
2063	Kyle	Because anybody who thinks 9/11 was a conspiracy is a retard!
2064	Cartman	Oh really? Well did you know that over one-fourth of people in America think that 9/11 was a conspiracy? Are you saying that one-fourth of Americans are retards?
2065	Kyle	Yes. I'm saying one-fourth of Americans are retards.
2066	Stan	Yeah, at least one-fourth.
2067	Kyle	Let's take a test sample: There's four of us, you're a retard, that's one-fourth.
2068	Cartman	...There are soo many people who know the truth, Kyle. Uh Butters!
2069	Butters	Hey, fellas!
2070	Cartman	Butters, do you think 9/11 was just a plot by some angry terrorists, or do you think there was some kind of coverup?
2071	Butters	Well, I heard that 9/11 was caused by President Bush.
2072	Cartman	Aha! Do you see?
2073	Kyle	Where did you hear that?
2074	Butters	From Eric.
2075	Cartman	I rest my case.
2076	Kyle	Butters, you don't really believe that, do you?
2077	Butters	Well, l-uh, I mean, uh, you never know. Uh, the government does some pretty spooky things. The government and the corporations headed by the Jews that tear down 9/11.
2078	Cartman	That's right, Butters.
2079	Kyle	Goddamnit, you see what happens when you spread this stupid crap, fatass?
2080	Cartman	What? People see the truth?
2081	Butters	Can I go now?
2082	Cartman	You guys are blind! I can't believe that everyone here is just buying into what they're told by the media! I'm gonna go find out the truth. I'm gonna blow the lid off this whooole 9/11 conspiracy once and for all!
2083	Kyle	Oh no...
2084	Cartman	It is wrong for me to ask questions?Is it wrong to seek the truth?I just can't blindly accept their version.I can't base my logic on proof.Almost all the evidence points one way,But I'm like Charlie Sheen and Gloria Estefan:I need to know what really happenedOn 9/11-leven-leven-leven-leven.What really happenedOn 9/11?Of course. It's so obvious. How did we not see it before?
2085	Leroy	This is my frog. He doesn't have a name. He's a frog not a toad because toads don't ribbit. I think frogs are good pets.
2086	Mrs. Garrison	Okay, thank you, Leroy, thanks for sharing your dumb little frog with the class. Okay, anybody else have anything for Show and Tell?
2087	Cartman	Uh! Erh, eh. Uhhh!
2088	Mrs. Garrison	All right, Eric, you can go next.
2089	Cartman	For Show and Tell today I have brought... ...my shocking Powerpoint report on the truth!.. behind the 9/11 attacks!
2090	Kyle	Oh Christ...
2091	Cartman	We are told to believe that the fire from the jet fuel melted the steel framing of the towers, which led to their collapse. But did you know jet fuel doesn't burn at a high enough temperature to melt steel? We were told the Pentagon was hit by a hijacked plane as well, but now look at this photo of the Pentagon. The hole is not nearly big enough. And if a plane hit it, where is the rest of the plane?
2092	Clyde	Whoa...
2093	Cartman	So now, the inevitable question: if terrorists didn't cause 9/11, who did? Remember that there are in fact two towers. Two minus one is one; one one - 11; two minus one is one; one one, and there are nine members on Silverstein's board of directors. That's nine-one-one. Nine-eleven. And take 2 - 1 + 9/11 and you get 12, which leads us all to the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks. . Kyle!
2094	Kyle	Me??!
2095	Cartman	Twelve contains the numbers one and two, just like the toilet yesterday where somebody went number two instead of number one! And one and two with 911 and you get 914! Drop the 4 and it's 91! Exactly the score Kyle got on his spelling test twelve days after 9/11! Who has the most to gain from 9/11?! Kyle! Who was nowhere to be found the morning the towers fell?! Kyle! Who dropped the deuce in the urinal?! Kyle! But probably the most damning of all is the evidence seen in this photo of Tower 2! When I zoomed in I saw what first appeared to be a blur, but when I computer-enhanced it, You almost got away with it, you sneaky butthole.
2096	Kyle	Hey Token. You-you gonna watch the game tonight, Butters?
2097	Butters	Waaaah!
2098	Kyle	All right, all right, I was not responsible for 9/11! God-damnit!
2099	Sheila	Hello bubbe, how was school today?
2100	Kyle	Terrible.
2101	Sheila	Oh, come on, school isn't all that bad.
2102	Kyle	But, everyone thinks I was responsible for 9/11.
2103	Sheila	Whatwhatwhaaat?!
2104	Sheila	We have to do something! It is obvious our children are still completely confused about 9/11!
2105	Principal Victoria	Yes, we need to go over it again in the classroom so they understand what really happened.
2106	Skeeter	Well, what really happened? There's strong evidence that what we were told isn't the truth.
2107	Other men	Oh no, oh brother, oh God.
2108	Mr. Adler	That's right. Did you know that there were explosions seen at the base of the towers?
2109	Other men	Oh no, oh God, that's so retarded.
2110	Mr. Mackey	Look, what-ever you believe, the fact of the matter is somebody... dropped a dookie in the school urinal, and there's still no explanation for that!
2111	Sheila	Mr. Mackey, there are more important things going on here!
2112	Mr. Mackey	More important?! You aren't the one, who had to walk into the boys' bathroom, okay, after having tuh, to wake up early, you know, there's no, no coffee in the teachers' lounge, and then you, you walk into the bathroom just to find a big dook laying there in the urinal! Like it's laughin' at you!
2113	Jimbo	He's right! The turd could have been put there to cover up 9/11!
2114	Mr. Mackey	No, I'm not saying they're related!
2115	Randy	How do we know they're not? We need to be brave enough to ask questions!
2116	Skeeter	It's obvious that before we go any further, we need to find out who was behind 9/11 once and for all!
2117	Richard	Who else could it have been?
2118	Det. Yates	This is too big a mystery for me. I think we'd better call in the Hardly Boys.
2119	Mr. Mackey	Oh no, not the Goddamned-
2120	Narrator	The Hardly Boys. Two young whippersnappers with a knack for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys in: The Case of the World Trade Center Conspiracy.
2121	Det. Yates	So that's about the long and short of it, Hardly Boys. There were two towers that stood right here, and they're gone.
2122	Frank	And nobody knows who's responsible?
2123	Det. Yates	There are theories, but, nobody's certain.
2124	Joe	Nnnn, who would benefit most from two buildings disappearing?
2125	Frank	Ooo... oh, I just started getting a clue.
2126	Joe	Really?
2127	Frank	Yeah, I'm totally getting a clue.
2128	Joe	Oh... Oh, that's giving me a clue. Yeah, ye-yeah, I've got a raging clue right now.
2129	Frank	Mine's pointing to the left.
2130	Joe	Oh F-, oh Frank, seriously, I have such a raging clue right now, I think we'd better follow it.
2131	Frank	Okay, let's follow your raging clue.
2132	Joe	Oofff.
2133	Randy	Godspeed.
2134	Stan	Kyle!
2135	Kyle	Aaaah!
2136	Stan	Dude, do you mind telling me why CIA guys are coming to my house and questioning me about you??
2137	Kyle	I don't know, dude. It's like everyone's putting pieces together that aren't there.
2138	Stan	Well why did you have to involve me??
2139	Kyle	It's not my fault.
2140	Stan	All right, look, I've been doing a lot of research on the Web and I found an organization who says they can prove you weren't involved in 9/11.
2141	Kyle	Really?
2142	Stan	Come on. We'll go out the back so they don't see you. There's just one thing I need to know before we go: you weren't responsible for 9/11, right?
2143	Kyle	......Dude.
2144	Stan	That's all I needed.
2145	Mr. Mackey	Now you might all think I've given up finding out who crapped in the urinal. M'kay? And maybe, maybe you think it's a victimless crime. This, is Mr. Venezuela , the school janitor. Okay? He's the person... who has to clean up... when some trickster... drops a dook in the wrong toilet! Mr. Venezuela makes six bucks an hour at best! Okay? He's got three kids at home, he's got a car that barely works, he's gotta clean up puke with sawdust, m'kay, then he walks into the boys' room and sees a big meaty chud starin' him in the face! So when you crapped in that urinal, m'kay, you might as well have just dropped your pants, and laid a turd right on top of Mr. Venezuela's head! Oh, you think it's funny, huh?!
2146	Mrs. Garrison	Mr. Mackey! We got him.
2147	Mr. Mackey	Huh?
2148	Mrs. Garrison	We caught the person that did it.
2149	Stan	Hi, we were hoping you can help us. My friend is being blamed for 9/11.
2150	Man	Aw geez. Come on in, kids. It doesn't surprise me. More and more people are being blamed for 9/11 every day.
2151	Kyle	They are?
2152	Kyle	What? No no no.
2153	Stan	Dude, why would the government attack its own buildings?
2154	Kyle	...That's retarded.
2155	Kyle	There's a lot of holes in the Theory of Evolution too; it doesn't mean it's wrong.
2156	Kyle	Code 234
2157	Kyle	What is it?
2158	Kyle	Anthrax?!
2159	Kyle	Stan, we can't be seen with this nutjob! Aw, aw, awww!
2160	Mr. Mackey	Why, Clyde? Why did you do it?
2161	Clyde	I don't know.
2162	Mr. Mackey	You got a whole school here, Clyde! M'kay? You got over three hundred people that need to use the boys' room. Then you decide you're gonna be a comedian, m'kay, and pinch one off in the urinal, and leave it layin' there for everyone to have to look at! Okay okay, you think it's funny, but nobody else does! They gotta walk in that bathroom and see your rancid dook propped up against the back of the urinal like a brown rag doll!
2163	Principal Victoria	Mr. Mackey, Clyde's parents are here.
2164	Mr. Mackey	M'kay, that's good! Let's see what your mom and dad have to say about your little poopscapade! Come on in, please. I'm just trying to get your son to explain why... he would drop a dook in the urinal!
2165	Mr. Donovan	Mr. Mackey, there's something you should know...
2166	Kyle	Eh-xcuse me, there's been a misunderstanding.
2167	Donald Rumsfeld	Come on in, Mr. President.
2168	Kyle	Uh, Mr. President, my name is-
2169	Bush	SSHHUUDDUUPP!! You think we don't know your name?! We know everything! We control everything! We've all worked very hard to keep our involvement in 9/11 a secret! But you just had to keep digging!
2170	Kyle	Really?
2171	Bush	People? You mean sheeple. We have the majority of them kept in blissful ignorance. Just one more... leak... to fix...
2172	Bush	You've been a thorn in our side for too long, I'm afraid.
2173	Bush	Too late.
2174	Stan	JESUS CHRIST!!
2175	Rumsfeld	Hahaha. He died like a pig.
2176	Bush	Some pigs never learn.
2177	Kyle	No. Way.
2178	Stan	He was right. You DID cause 9/11.
2179	Bush	Yes. Quite simple to pull off, really. All I had to do was have explosives planted in the base of the towers. Then on 9/11 we pretended like four planes were being hijacked.when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania, then flew two military jets into the World Trade Center filled with more explosives, then shot down all the witnesses of Flight 93 with an F-15 after blowing up the Pentagon with a Cruise missile. It was only the world's most intricate and flawlessly-executed ever, ever.
2180	Kyle	...Really??
2181	Stan	Why?!
2182	Bush	Oldest reason in the world. Money. The towers fell and the American sheeple all waved their flags. Finally we could invade Iraq, and get the oil which made us all richer than before.
2183	Rumsfeld	Beauutiful money, hahahaha!
2184	Kyle	...Really??
2185	Stan	Is the whole government in on this?
2186	Bush	We are all-knowing and all-powerful. Good-bye, boys.
2187	Cheney	Dangit! I missed again!
2188	Bush	For Christ's sake, Cheney!
2189	Stan	Kyle! Run!
2190	Bush	KILL THEM!
2191	Mr. Mackey	Attention students. Apparently, Clyde could not have been the one who crapped in the urinal, because Clyde had a colostomy at age 5. 'Kay? Now, whoever did this unspeakable act is still at large. The boys' bathroom is closed until further notice, 'cause one of you thought it would be a good idea... to pull down your pants... m'kay, hover your buttcheeks over the urinal... and squeeze out a chocolate hot dog... m'kay? Oh you think that's funny, huh?! Let me assure you, there is nothing funny... about going up to a nice, clean, unsuspectin' urinal, 'kay, droppin' your pants then... turnin' around... squattin' over that urinal, 'kay, maybe... maybe pullin' your buttcheeks apart with your hands, m'kay, and then layin' out a big fudge dragon for all the world to see. Oh yeah, that's real funny! I'm gonna catch this sonofabitch if it's the last thing I DO! M'kay?!
2192	Stan	All right, now we have to switch over to Interbus 65. We made it dude. We should be home in less than eighteen hours. Then we'll tell everyone what we saw.
2193	Kyle	It just... doesn't seem right.
2194	Stan	Yeah, our eyes are finally open, dude. It's like waking up for the first time.
2195	Kyle	Yeah... but doesn't it seem like we got out of the White House pretty easily? I mean, it seems like it would be pretty hard to escape from the White House with everyone chasing you, and we just kind of... ran out.
2196	Stan	Well dude, maybe we're just super badass. Have you thought of that?
2197	Kyle	Hey! Dude. You're alive? Come back here!
2198	Man 1	Hey!
2199	Man 2	Ogh!
2200	Kyle	Dude! What the hell is going on?!
2201	Stan	What who said?
2202	Kyle	Dude, we aren't going to kill you.
2203	Stan	Oh God!
2204	Bearded Man	It isn't safe here, boys. Follow me!
2205	Kyle	Who the fuck are you?!
2206	Bearded Man	There's no time! come on!
2207	Kyle	Do you mind telling us what the hell is going on??
2208	Stan	Who are you?
2209	Bearded Man	I'm a detective, and I'm afraid that you kids have been double-crossed.
2210	Kyle	You f-figured this thing all out?
2211	Bearded Man	Not me. My mystery-solving sons. Come on in, boys. My boys were researching who went number two in the urinal at your school when they discovered something odd, which gave them a clue.
2212	Frank	Gave us both a clue.
2213	Mr. Hardly	That clue led them to a 9/11 conspiracy group party, where they got a lot more clues.
2214	Joe	I was getting a clue like every two minutes.
2215	Frank	I got such a raging clue that I almost shot clue goo all over Joe.
2216	Mr. Hardly	Those clues pointed out that all the 9/11 conspiracy theories could be disproven scientifically. And that's when Frank got his biggest clue.
2217	Frank	It was huuuge.
2218	Mr. Hardly	That all the 9/11 conspiracy Web sites are run by the government. The 9/11 conspiracy... is a government conspiracy.
2219	Stan	Aw Jesus...
2220	Kyle	Why would the government want people to believe they caused 9/11?
2221	Mr. Hardly	For a government to have power, they must appear to have complete control. What better way to make people fear them than to convince them they are capable of the most elaborate plan on earth?
2222	Bush	That's quite enough, Hardly! Don't believe what he says, boys; we caused 9/11. It's all right here in these secret documents, but you'll never get them.
2223	Kyle	I knew it! You didn't plan 9/11 and you really didn't shoot that guy!
2224	Bush	Boys, you don't understand. People need to think we are all-powerful. That we control the world. If they know we weren't in charge of 9/11 then... we appear to control nothing.
2225	Kyle	Well why don't you just tell people the truth?!
2226	Bush	We do that too. And most people believe the truth. But one fourth of the population is retarded. If they wanna believe we control everything with intricate plans, why not let them?
2227	Mr. Hardly	Just one thing, Mr. President: How the devil did you know we were all here?
2228	Stan	How come you couldn't just go home, dude? That's all we had to do!
2229	Kyle	Stan! What the fuck?!
2230	Stan	It was all planned out!
2231	Kyle	You knew this whole time? Why?
2232	Stan	Because it was me. I'm the one who took a dump in the urinal.
2233	Kyle	What??
2234	Stan	The stalls were full and I didn't wanna miss recess! I didn't think it would turn into such a big deal!
2235	Kyle	So you blamed the government?!
2236	Mr. Hardly	And the government was more than willing to take the blame, so long as it made them look responsible for 9/11!
2237	Stan	Oh man, now everyone's gonna know. Why did the stupid Hardly Boys have to be so good at solving mysteries?
2238	Kyle	So wait, wait: Stan took a dump in the urinal and he contacted the conspiracy Web site? But the conspiracy site was run by the government?
2239	Stan	Yuh.
2240	Kyle	So then, who was responsible for 9/11?
2241	Stan	Whattaya mean? A bunch of pissed-off Muslims.
2242	Frank	Yeah. What are you, retarded?
2243	Mr. Hardly	Well, it looks like this mystery is solved. It's time for the culprit to finally pay!
2244	Mr. Mackey	When you dook in the urinal, it's bad, m'kay! How would you feel... if somebody came into your home, m'kay, pulled down their pants and laid a big mud monkey right on your mom's face? Oh you think that's funny, huh?! Yeah, that's real funny!
2245	Cartman	And so then, I put my finger up my butthole, right? And I walked up to Kelly Nelson, and I said, "Do you smell lemon grass?", and she smelled my finger and puked! Hehehehe. Oh, guys, you should have been there.
2246	A Hall Monitor	Eric, I have to take you to the principal's office.
2247	Cartman	What? I didn't do it, Kelly Nelson's a liar!
2248	Hall Monitor	I've been instructed to bring you to the principal's office.
2249	Cartman	Oh, suck my balls you ginger Jew rat hall monitor! Punkass stoolie, who the fuck do you think you are?!
2250	Hall Monitor	I'm just doin' my job.
2251	Cartman	I'm juh duh duh duhhh! Do you know why you're a hallway monitor?! Because you don't have any friends! You should kill yourself! You should kill yourself!!
2252	Principal Victoria	Eric Cartman, report to the principal's office immediately.
2253	Cartman	Aw Goddamnit!
2254	Principal Victoria	Come on in, Eric.
2255	Cartman	I'm sorry, Principal Victoria. I didn't mean to do it, how could I have been so foolish?
2256	Principal Victoria	Eric, the reason we called you in here is because it is your turn to be the school hallway monitor.
2257	Cartman	The hall monit- me?
2258	Mr. Mackey	You need to watch for bad behavior, and make sure anyone in the halls during class has a hall pass. M'kay?
2259	Principal Victoria	If anyone doesn't, you have the authority to bring them to me.
2260	Cartman	Auth- authoritah?
2261	Mr. Mackey	Now Eric, being the school hallway monitor is a big responsibility. M'kay? It is important that you take the job seriously, and that you don't abuse the power.
2262	Cartman	Ahem. Me?
2263	Cartman	There's fear and darkness all around youThe criminals are on the runNo use in not having your hall passI'll take you to the principal 'cause I'm the DawgI am the Dawg, the big bad DawgThe Hallway Monitor!
2264	Car Salesman	Hey, kid, get outta there.
2265	Cartman	That's cool. I'm done making my video anyways. Hall pass! Show me your hall pass!
2266	Boy	What?
2267	Cartman	You know what this is? This is the mace that they use on bears, faggot! Now let me see your hall pass!
2268	Boy	It's right here.
2269	Cartman	All right, cool, brah. Go with Christ.
2270	Boy	What? You can't just push me up against the-
2271	Cartman	Argh!
2272	Boy	Aah!
2273	Cartman	I am the Dawg, the big bad- Oh my God! What the fuck is this?!
2274	Teacher	And so this shape with four sides is what, class?
2275	Cartman	Boyarrrgh! Ike Broflovski! You littering my hallway, brah?!
2276	Teacher	What are you doing?!
2277	Cartman	I found this in the hallway. Apparently your student Ike has a crush on you. You got a crush on your teacher, brah?! Keep it out of my hallway! Go with Christ. Here you go.
2278	Teacher	I don't think that's really necessary.
2279	Cartman	Hey! I don't tell you how to run your class, don't tell me how to run my hallway!
2280	Fillmore	Ike has a crush on teacher!
2281	Class	Ike has a crush on teacher!
2282	Teacher	That's enough, class! Okay, well see you tomorrow, everybody. Ike, could you stay just a few minutes, please? Ike, I'm very flattered, by all of your love notes, but I need to be clear. See, there've been a lot of female teachers on the news lately who have been having relationships with young male students and, people might get the wrong idea, even though... I do admire you. You are so smart and gifted. Soo mature for your age.
2283	Ike	I don't like Mason.
2284	Teacher	You listen, and you really care about what I have to say. You make me feel things I've never... felt before. Ike, this is crazy. I'm your teacher. How can we be having these feelings for each other? You're so mysterious, and I can't... and I can't...
2285	REO Speedwagon	And I can't fight this feelin' anymoreI've forgotten what I started fightin' forAnd if I have to crawl upon the floorCome crashin' through your doorBaby, I cant fight this feelin' anymore
2286	Teacher	That was unbelievable. I've never felt like such a woman before. They'll say our love is wrong, but we can't let anybody know; they'll never understand. We were meant to be, I know it. How else could sex be that incredible?
2287	Ike	Ike made a nuno.
2288	Butters	Hey there, Mr. Wiener, whattaya know? Do ya need to tinkle tinkle? Yes I do think so.
2289	Cartman	Hands?! Let me see those hands!
2290	Butters	Haaaah!
2291	Cartman	Where's your pass?! Show me your hall pass, brah!
2292	Butters	It's, it's... I just had it!
2293	Cartman	I knew it!
2294	Cartman	Look, brah, I had to bring you in, but I don't have any hard feelin's against you all right?
2295	Butters	Huh?
2296	Cartman	Here, you need a smoke, brah?
2297	Butters	Uhh, okay.
2298	Cartman	You've gotta give yourself over to Christ, brah.
2299	Butters	I do.
2300	Cartman	Jesus is Lord. You can go one direction in life, or you just walk around the hallways without a hall pass. Or you can see the light, brah.
2301	Sheila	Kyle, I need you to go get your brother over at his teacher's house.
2302	Kyle	Huh?
2303	Sheila	Tell his teacher I'm sorry, but I forgot he has a doctor's appointment today.
2304	Kyle	What's he doing at his teacher's house?
2305	Sheila	He's been going there in the afternoons for private tutoring.
2306	Kyle	Hello? Excuse me. I'm here to pick up Ike? Uh, hello? Is Ike here? Hello?
2307	Teacher	OOOH!
2308	Kyle	Oh God! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-ah, I'm looking for my brother. Ike?? What the hell is going on??
2309	Teacher	Oh, what's the use, Ike? We're caught. Hold on, please, you don't understand.
2310	Kyle	Really?! What's there not to understand?!
2311	Teacher	Your brother and I... are in love.
2312	Kyle	He's a little young, don't you think?!
2313	Ike	Oh.
2314	Teacher	Ike is very mature for his age, and you know it!
2315	Ike	Ring around the rosey.
2316	Teacher	He makes me feel like nobody else does. He loves me and only me, and I know I'm a goddess to him. When we make love, he can give it to me HARD, or soft and gentle-
2317	Kyle	All right! We're getting the hell out of here!
2318	Ike	Nonono, nononono.
2319	Kyle	Ike, you can't possibly want this. We have to tell Mom.
2320	Ike	No, no.
2321	Kyle	Ike?
2322	Teacher	Is it so hard to believe that true love exists?
2323	Kyle	This is nuts.
2324	Kyle	Mom, Dad, have you ever met Ike's kindergarten teacher?
2325	Sheila	Miss Stevenson? Yes. She's very nice.
2326	Kyle	Yeah. Well, she likes Ike a whole lot.
2327	Sheila	That's great.
2328	Kyle	Yyeah, except maybe it's not perfectly great, because to some degree, Ike and Ms. Stevenson are having an-.
2329	Ike	Spider-Man! I'm safe, Mom.
2330	Sheila	Yes, Ike, you like Spider-Man, don't you?
2331	Kyle	Mom, there might be something that you should look into about Ike staying after school all the time-
2332	Ike	Weohhh part ten. Mom-my I love you I love you.
2333	Sheila	Mommy loves you too, sweetie.
2334	Kyle	Would you excuse us for a second? You just can't expect me to sit there and say nothing. No, Ike, I'm supposed to be looking out for you. So what? I wasn't going to just blurt it out, I was gonna use some tact, but you won't even let me... What? Uh uh! Stop right there, Ike! Mom, I think maybe you should talk to Ike about love and sex!
2335	Sheila	Sex? Oh bubbe, Ike is much too young.
2336	Det. Yates	You're so full of crap, Foley.
2337	Foley	What? I did shoot him in the face. Twice.
2338	Kyle	Ex, excuse me? My name is... Brad. And uh I need to report a crime. Anonymously.
2339	Yates	Oh? What's the crime?
2340	Kyle	Well, I attend South Park Elementary, ah-and... w-one of the teachers is having sssex with a student.
2341	Yates	Oh my God! This is terrible! Ya-you did the right thing telling the police, Brad. Now, who is the teacher? What's his name?
2342	Kyle	Well, it isn't a guy teacher. It's a woman.
2343	Officer 1	A woman.
2344	Kyle	Yeah. She's having sex with a boy.
2345	Officer 2	Oh, but, but she's ugly, right?
2346	Kyle	Well no, not really. It's the Kindergarten teacher, Miss Stevenson.
2347	Yates	The blonde?
2348	Kyle	Yeah.
2349	Officer 1	Some young boy is having sex with Miss Stevenson?
2350	Kyle	Yes.
2351	Officer 1	Nisssse.
2352	Yates	Nnice.
2353	Kyle	What?! No, you don't understand-
2354	Officer 1	You sure they've had sex?
2355	Kyle	Yeah.
2356	Officer 3	Has she performed oral sex on him?
2357	Kyle	I think so.
2358	Officer 3	...Nice.
2359	Officer 1	Nisssse.
2360	Officer 3	Nisssse.
2361	Yates	So wait, what, what's the crime?
2362	Officer 1	The crime is, she isn't doing it with me.
2363	Kyle	Hay! He's totally underage. She's taking advantage of him.
2364	Yates	You're right. We're sorry. This is serious. We need to track this student down and... give him his "Luckiest Boy In America" medal right away.
2365	Kyles	Gargh!
2366	Kyle	Guys, can I talk to you?
2367	Stan	Sure dude.
2368	Kyle	I need you to keep quiet about this, all right? My little brother and his tea-
2369	Cartman	Brahs, it's almost class time. I need you to start clearin' the hallways aright?
2370	Kyle	Not now, Cartman! I have really serious problems!
2371	Stan	Dude, what's the matter?
2372	Kyle	The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.
2373	Stan	...Wow.
2374	Kenny	Reaaly??
2375	Cartman	Damn, brah, your little brother's pretty cool.
2376	Kyle	It's not cool! Ike isn't old enough to understand.
2377	Cartman	What's to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around some and then stick it inside her and pee.
2378	Kyle	"stick it inside her and pee"
2379	Cartman	Well, okay, fine. Unless you don't want to get her pregnant, then you pull it out and pee on her leg.
2380	Stan	Dude, I really don't see a problem.
2381	Cartman	Yeah, I've got bigger things to deal with.
2382	Kyle	You guys don't understand! His wacko teacher is like a schoolgirl! They pass notes to each other in the classroom, they have sex at her house over lunch break, and during class they sneak out and kiss in the hallways!
2383	Cartman	They what??
2384	Kyle	They sneak out during class and make out in the hallways!
2385	Cartman	Hang on a second: making out in the hallways is strictly against school policy!
2386	Kyle	Well they're doing it!
2387	Cartman	Yeah, well now it's personal! The hallways are my jurisdiction! If there's a hallway infraction going on, they're gonna have to deal with the Dawg!
2388	Miss Stevenson	Okay, just continue with your macaroni pictures. Teacher has to step out for a second. Uh Ike, could you help me out, please? Oh Ike, I just had to have a second alone with you.
2389	Ike	I like dada better.
2390	Miss Stevenson	I got your love letter, and I wrote you one back. Oh, just one kiss to hold me over for the rest of class.
2391	Cartman	Hall infraction!
2392	Miss Stevenson	Oh uhh, we were just heading back in.
2393	Cartman	You got a hall pass, brah?!
2394	Miss Stevenson	I don't need a hall pass. I'm a teacher.
2395	Cartman	Yeah? Well, where's his hall pass?!
2396	Miss Stevenson	Look, just let us get back in-
2397	Cartman	Get down on the floor!
2398	Miss Stevenson	We're going back inside!
2399	Cartman	You like bear mace, icehead?!
2400	Miss Stevenson	Bear mace??
2401	Cartman	You're goin' with Christ!
2402	Miss Stevenson	Oooooh!
2403	Cartman	...And that's what I got, Principal brah. These two were in the hallway making out. She had those love letters on her person.
2404	Principal Victoria	"Ike, I long to feel your arms around me"?? Miss Stevenson, you- you're having a relationship with this student?
2405	Cartman	Yes. During classtime, without a hall pass.
2406	Principal Victoria	This is unbelievable.
2407	Cartman	I know. It's like a hall pass doesn't even matter to her.
2408	Principal Victoria	Miss Stevenson, I will need to inform the police.
2409	Miss Stevenson	Oh God...
2410	Cartman	You just dealt with the Dawg, bitch!
2411	Yates	Sorry we had to do this, but the lady principal insisted.
2412	Randy	What's goin' on?
2413	Jimbo	The kindergarten teacher is suspected of having sex with a student
2414	Randy	With a student? But... she's a woman.
2415	Jimbo	Yeah. I know.
2416	Randy	But... she's hot.
2417	Kyle	Wow. I think I owe you one, Cartman.
2418	Cartman	You don't owe me anything. My hallways are cleeean.
2419	Kyle	Ike, I didn't tell on you, you got busted by the hallway monitor. Okay, okay. I did have something to do with it. But someday you're gonna realize it was for the best.
2420	Ike	You are dead to me!
2421	Kyle	What?
2422	Ike	I said, you're dead to me!
2423	Kyle	I'm dead to you?
2424	Ike	You're dead to me, Kyle!
2425	Miss Stevenson	I'm at the police station. They say they found some evidence. I'm so scared. Listen, I want you to know it's okay. If anybody tries to talk to you, you don't need to say anything. Just leave it to me. I know a way out of this.
2426	Reporter	Tom, an elementary school teacher is under arrest for allegedly having an affair... with one of her young students. The case is shocking, due mostly to the fact that the teacher... is pretty hot, Tom. If the accusations are true, then... damn! Uh, looks like the defendant and her lawyer are about to give a statement, Tom.
2427	Miss Stevenson	I am deeply sorry to announce that the allegations against me are true. Over the past several weeks, I have been having physical relations with one of my students.
2428	Man 1	Nice.
2429	Man 2	Nissse
2430	Miss Stevenson	I know my actions were wrong, but I cannot be fully to blame. You see, I am an alcoholic.
2431	Officer 4	Ohhhh.
2432	Miss Stevenson	Yes, I'm afraid it's true.
2433	Cartman	Oh no!
2434	Kyle	What?
2435	Cartman	I don't believe it. She's using the Mel Gibson defense.
2436	Miss Stevenson	I am a perfectly good person, but when I drink, the alcohol makes me say and do things I wouldn't normally do.
2437	Yates	Well, that explains it.
2438	Officer 1	Do we still press charges?
2439	Yates	Who are we gonna convict? Johnny Walker?
2440	Man 3	Poor woman. She's a victim.
2441	Randy	Yeah, she's a hot victim.
2442	Lawyer	My client has agreed to check herself into rehab immediately.
2443	Print Reporter	Good luck, ma'am. You can beat your alcoholism.
2444	Therapist	Alcohol is a crutch which we use to medicate ourselves; to, to cover up emotional baggage from our past. Was there ever a history of sexual abuse in your family?
2445	Miss Stevenson	No, but my uncle used to ask me and my twin sister to loss and he'd take pictures.
2446	Therapist	Nissse. Congratulations, Miss Stevenson.
2447	Miss Stevenson	All better now.
2448	Miss Stevenson	Ike.
2449	Ike	Miss Stephenson
2450	Miss Stevenson	Ike, we have to get out of here! They'll never let us be together. I think... I think we should go to Milan, like we always talked about.
2451	Ike	Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay, Mulan!
2452	Miss Stevenson	Get your things together. We don't have much time.
2453	Kyle	Ike, are you okay? Ike? Iiiike!
2454	Yates	Are you sure you're not lying, Foley?
2455	Foley	No, really! I shot both of them! They weren't even doin' nothin'!
2456	Sheila	Help! Please, I need your help! That teacher, Miss Stevenson, she, she left town with my son! I got a note saying they're going to Milan!
2457	Yates	You're kidding!
2458	Sheila	No, it's true!
2459	Yates	Damnit, where were all these sexed-up teachers when I was a kid?!
2460	Sheila	This is serious!
2461	Officer 3	Yeah, boys going to Milan with a beautiful older woman. Quick! Call the FBI!
2462	Sheila	Are you going to do nothing?!
2463	Yates	All right all right, we'll make a report. Jesus...
2464	Cartman	There you are. What are you doing? You giving up, brah?!
2465	Kyle	Dude, my brother's in Milan. There's nothing I can do.
2466	Cartman	No, they haven't left yet. Their flight is tomorrow morning.
2467	Kyle	How do you know that?
2468	Cartman	I had Beth check out their Travelocity account.
2469	Kyle	Who's Beth?
2470	Cartman	Beth is my bitch. I put a whole crew together, brah. I'm gonna get that hallway-defilng slut no matter what it takes! Are you in?!
2471	Cartman	I got some badass guys to help me.I only had to pay them fifteen bucks.You think you got away with not having a hall pass?You won't get away from me 'cause I'm the Dawg!I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg!Think you can get away with not having a hall pass? Think again! How was that, Butters?
2472	Butters	Ehthat was pretty good.
2473	Kyle	Can we get going now, please?!
2474	Cartman	Yep. We're all done with the video, let's move out!
2475	Miss Stevenson	Ike, is that all you're gonna do is watch TV?
2476	Ike	I love TV. Yaaay!
2477	Miss Stevenson	But what about me? I want to talk.
2478	Cartman	Everyone get a good look at our fugitive! I want her taken down fast and clean!
2479	Leeroy	She ran away; now she got to deal with the Dawg, huh?
2480	Cartman	Beth found out they have a room at the Airport Hilton. We need to search it. Here's the hotel! Beth, tell Leeroy to pull up here! All right, let's go! Move out!
2481	Bellboy	Hey! You can't leave your car there!
2482	Cartman	It's okay! I'm a hallway monitor! Keep separation! Leeroy, check out our twenty!
2483	Receptionist	Can I help you?
2484	Cartman	You seen this woman, brah? She's staying here!
2485	Receptionist	Who are you?
2486	Cartman	I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg!
2487	Head Concierge	I think you should leave before I call the police!
2488	Cartman	Beth! Bear-mace that guy! Let's check out the rooms! Leeroy and Kyle go that way! Beth, you come with me!
2489	Bellboy	We need police here, right away!
2490	Guest 1	Yes?
2491	Cartman	I'm looking for this teacher! Is she in your room, brah?!
2492	Guest 2	Do you mind keepin' it down?
2493	Cartman	Keep your mouth shut, brah!!
2494	Miss Stevenson	Oh no! Ike! They're on to us!
2495	Ike	Oh no!
2496	Miss Stevenson	Hurry darling! We have to get out of here!
2497	Officers	What have we got? What have we got?!
2498	Officer 5	Who called 911?!
2499	Receptionist	They went that way. Look out! They have bear mace!
2500	Leeroy	Open up! I'm with the Dawg!

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